#like in retrospect. thats PRETTY funny

[mumblesplash]

only tangentially related to that last post but anyway shoutout to when i avoided mentioning that i was in a relationship on here for over a year because some insane part of my brain was convinced everyone following me only liked me because they thought i was hot. which made literally no sense for many reasons including but not limited to the fact that i have never posted a single photo of myself

[jibunwo]

JUST REMEMBERED THE FIRST TIME I EVER GOT DUMPED. CRYING…

[proteuus]

turns out those may have been symptoms of the disorder

[thisgodwontforgiveyou]

goddddd going back to strive after kof 15 holllly shit this game is trash

[franciskirkland]

Alright to start this ask off I'm just gonna say my interactions w/ you have genuenly been one of the funniest ive had in a long ass time. I've read ur recent post and I empathyse a lot. You seem incredibly funny and genuine. Idk your situation and your background and even your age, but I think you can and are pulling through. Things will get better even if you dont actively want them to. Im not saying this in a vague hope to make the situation you are in better. Im telling you, as a person who from the age of 14 went from therapist to therapist, somehow been on meds that dont fuckin exist yet in croatia, someone who feels trapped in the very /country/ she lives in with no means of escape, someone who is "waiting" for things to finally financially/academicaly/politicaly be better so that I can make something of my life. As it did for me, you will feel joy again in what you do, in what you have, and in what you can achieve. I think it's ok to be down, its ok to feel like "if a bus hit me tomorrow i wouldnt protest" but the thing about people is we adapt rather quickly. So putting yourself out there, going to places you are scared to and believe yourself to be an outcast from is exactly what gets you to meet people and see things that youll remember forever. And after a while the outcast will stop coming to these places, the person there will be someone who belongs. Apathy is a way of saying "fine whatever i dont even care anymore" but youll see how much you care.

I started getting ok after a full decade of *trying* and what I've always found is that for me the saying "don't take anything seriously" is no.1 rule. I get worked up, anxious and overwhelmed with so much so many times.

You may have problems with people at work with friends and whomever, but the main thing you gotta remember is *you cant change anyone but yourself*

And its not a change of personality, hair color, interests, its how much something will get to you, how willing are you to give something up thats not working out and how you will percieve something.

I have no doubt that you know all of this crap but i guess i wanted to say all of that just bc there is no greater pain for me than when i see someone feel like i did regardless of the reason or situation.

Keep on truckin and doing what u love even if its mpregfrance posting. I will always be here to send you to liking-france-jail, mwah <3

hello my sweaty angle <3 i'm sorry i'm just replying to this now. i had to sleep on it because your thoughtfulness deserves a sincere reply.

first of all - thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being so kind, sweet and insightful and offering your support.

the fact that you would take the precious time out of your day to write this out for me is, in a word, unbelievable. i really appreciate you checking in, it's an incredibly caring thing to do. to be honest i'm a little overwhelmed by the magnitude of this unexpected message and i wish i knew how better to express my appreciation.

i really do love to hear that i made you laugh. i live to shitpost. i've always prided myself on my sense of humor and sometimes i feel as if it's slipping away, so it's reliving to hear i've still got it.

unfortunately i still haven't had the strength to eat. i'm heading to work in a bit. things are pretty rough right now, but when have they not been? obviously my present circumstances aren't the root cause of all my problems. in fact my life has improved since moving here.

extensive bianca lore and vulnerability under the cut, apologies in advance.

basically, in so few words, my current situation is that i'm nearly 25 and have nothing to show for it. i've lived in different cities across the US, had great jobs, apartments, friends, roommates, relationships, etc. i have done a lot of living in a short amount of time. but then, in retrospect, it feels like it stopped.

about 3 years ago i was in a very bad place mentally due to the isolation of the pandemic, and i met my husband online. in early 2022 i gave up everything, saved over $10k for the visa and moving costs, and relocated from the US to australia to live with him. our relationship itself has improved from how it used to be, but since the beginning we've had seemingly endless bad luck and financial setbacks.

last year, not long after our (very disappointing) wedding, i suffered a devastating miscarriage. ruptured ectopic, massive internal bleeding, required emergency surgery etc. not only was that traumatic emotionally, but i wasn't eligible for healthcare at the time bc of my immigration status, so we're still paying off the medical bill.

we share a house with my mother in law who is a domineering, emotionally incestuous single mom and an emotionally abusive narcissist. i don't throw that term around lightly, as so many people do these days, but i honestly believe she's devoid of empathy. she's admitted that she dislikes me and thinks i'm stupid because i don't talk much, and goes out of her way to make me feel unwelcome.

so i'm stuck in an area that feels, to me, like the middle of nowhere. i'm not homesick, i love this country. it's just that i'm not used to suburbs. i feel most comfortable in a city where there's people and places and things, neon lights and background noise and stuff to do.

i'd would be happy to live anywhere as long as it's not with her. it honestly feels like a prison sometimes. that sounds dramatic but she's cultivating an unbelievably hostile environment that causes me to feel on edge whenever she's around.

needless to say we need to move, desperately. it's our #1 priority. more than anything else i want a place of our own and eventually a family. we've been actively househunting for the better part of a year, but the rental market is catastrophically bad right now. it's not even about the money, since we're both working we can afford a decent place. it's just that it's so competitive. every showing i've attended, there's been like 30 other prospective tenants. we've been turned down from every apartment we've applied for.

on top of our living situation i have complex health issues that are just getting worse. my energy is zapped. trying to balance work work and housework leaves me with almost no free time to write.

this barely scratches the surface of why I Am The Way That I Am™. i'm not saying any of this to evoke sympathy or brag about 'having it hard'. simply trying to explain. my upbringing was abusive and dysfunctional in a number of ways. i just barely graduated high school. i never had traditional opportunities, i was raised in a way where there's basically no assumption/expectation that you'll ever be successful or fulfilled. i'm diagnosed with ADHD, PTSD and bipolar 2 - haven't been able to get my proper meds in australia. i've been addicted to hard drugs and alcohol. i'm not pleasant to be around. i will probably always look like and act like the lower class, white trash girl that i am. i have spent my entire life in survival mode.

i'm always in the midst of some identity crisis or running away from something. so yeah, i've been hurt and downtrodden. i've also experienced the beautiful side of life from time to time. i've gained a breadth of knowledge and met incredible individuals who introduced me to new perspectives and i'm forever grateful for them. with the way i've lived, i'm very lucky to not be dead or incarcerated right now.

ok, pity party's over. for real this time.

you're pretty much describing exactly how i feel. you know the struggle. the part about waiting to live my life; that's precisely where i'm at. i don't necessarily have a desire to fit in, i just want to get away into somewhere that i can adjust better to.

my isolation is partially due to a lack of energy but also i don't seek out interaction because i'm afraid no one else can understand me. not because i believe i'm too 'complex' or 'damaged' to be understood. that's a load of self-pitying bullshit. it's just scary to be truly seen. or vulnerable. or genuine. bc the results of such openness are unpredictable and uncomfortable.

it's hard, but i know i have to find it within myself to take that push. what's holding me back right now is mainly my material conditions, circumstances out of my direct control. i have no doubt i'll feel at least 50% better when i stop living with this woman.

i certainly have no problem with starting over if something doesn't work for me. contrary to what i might've described, i believe i'm pretty well adjusted, self aware and rational. as is obvious i don't take many things that seriously lmao. i went from caring wayyy too much about everything, being overly emotional and sensitive, to going entirely with the flow and accepting what i can't control or predict.

also i am well aware that you can't change people, that's never been my goal lmao i've never needed someone to tell me that <3

tl;dr, thank you. so much. this really uplifted and inspired me meli, thank you so much for being so thoughtful and compassionate.

it sounds like you're also stuck between a rock and a hard place in your own environment, and i'm sorry to hear that. it's a wretched feeling but i believe you you will thrive no matter the setting, because in all seriousness, you're incredibly talented. i hope you know you should follow your dreams. hell, it looks like you already are and you're giving us the privilege of witnessing it. your art is stunning, the passion and care you put into your work is obvious. your matthew is absolutely beautiful - like his maman.

from a rabidly devoted france woobifier to the designated france hater, i'm only going to say this once but you are validated in your distaste. i understand. you gotta admit though, he is a MILF.

if one thing is certain i will never stop frussyposting. in fact right now i am thinking about france hetalia big fat juicy boobies mmmm milky squishy. i'm giving her a teensy tiny little slut waist and childbearing hips. i would give him a brazilian butt lift but he doesn't even need it!!!

if that is a crime then lock me up. please. strap on the handcuffs and throw me in the crate for naughty little freaks teeheehee >:3

be careful tho. if you keep sending me gay ass love letters like this they're gonna start shipping toxic yuri melianca even harder <3

[sergeifyodorov]

Connor for the send me a character ask 👀

FIRST IMPRESSION

Have to preface this with the fact that I was really into baseball six or seven years ago when mcdavo was winning art ross number like. One or two. This was about 2016 or 2017 and i had the thescore app and I was looking at their simple ranked stats because i was bored, and instead of staring at the baseball ones over and over again I poked around on the other sports. I was not yet a leafs fan (born and raised in toronto so like, you support the leafs, but i wasn’t what i am now) and i looked at the points rankings and there was this annoying little orange background man in first. He had a nice 100 points and nobody else had that. And I was annoyed because I didn’t like that this Edmontonian fucker was doing better than anyone else. In retrospect it is very funny that my Oilers Hate Campaign is older than my actual hockey fandom.

IMPRESSION NOW

I have a lot of thoughts about Connor. I strongly disagree with the boring-sayers. He is not boring; he’s stiff and bland on camera out of both intention and The Tism and clearly has a lot actually going on once the panopticon is looking away (oxymoron statement but u know). Obviously he’s best in the world type whatever beat but thats like. The least interesting thing abt him. Dude is SO haunted it’s like you took a good portion of the sort of hockey curse an entire team typically develops and then dropped it right on his head like some sort of cartoon piano. But he is blissfully oblivious to the genre and is tragically determined to power through. 

I think he’s kind of spineless ultimately and this is what makes him say such vanilla things and let himself get so thoroughly and obviously managed by lk1 and stuff. but also that he is very single-minded and knows what he wants and is unafraid to pursue that at the cost of neglecting everything else in his life. Which is a pretty self-destructive habit when you have curses and whatnot but again, completely unaware of that, so he’s just barreling head-on towards the void, head down skates pumping

His edges are decent but he’s a speed skater by trade far more than a figure skater… jason brown could win 5 art rosses but connor mcdavid could NEVER do riverdance!!!

Completely unrelated to my thoughts on connor at all but the endless font of ohl bodies and the churning mill of eteri girls. It’s the same it’s all the same

FAVOURITE MOMENT

don’t say mccheatgate it’s not worth it--

In all honesty. Either Connor mc lukewarm gay rights statement, the adorable little standbyme video at the draft where it’s him n mitch and dylan and none of them can really sing and they’re all so obviously terrified but trying to cheer each other up bad, or that one ad where they’ve dolled him up and made him act. And he’s like beach chair lounging in the middle of the ice and stuff

IDEA FOR STORY

i think the most ideal thing narratively to happen to davo is Catastrophe. like we all know he has this very rigid and unquestioned worldview because he has never bothered to really look outside what the nhl straighttrack/lauren kyle has planned for him it’s most compelling to just. completely upend that

mccareer changing injury is a good one but ive already seen that one said. i do have this scrap of 9734 floating around thats like. leon gets fridged and he cant live with oilerhood after that so he goes the 1 other place he can stomach himself being (torono) and then falls in deeply toxic-homoerotic-codependency love with am34. and obviously is forced to reconsider his entire worldview about the ticking clock and the impermanency of life and grief and curses and haunting because damn leo you’re supposed to be dead why do i keep seeing u everywhere etc. it is important for my NARRATIVES that mcdavid is widowed and/or divorced

UNPOPULAR OPINION

i realize this one in context to the last sentence makes it look like i hate drai. I do not hate drai drai is the best oiler and his only competition is nuge. That being said.

I had a friend (knows nothing about hockey) and she thinks that connor is hotter than draisaitl. And like. I don’t completely agree. But i mostly do agree. very shallow of me yes i know but davo is CUTE and his cringefail ghost swag is kinda HOT and the long hair/mcjesus flow was SEXY

FAV RELATIONSHIP

bobby orr is a family friend and he knows wayne gretzky quite well because of oilersness and stuff. so im going to say his relationship with All That Came Before is my favourite

2997 close second tho. Get more divorced

FAV HEADCANON

the tism is kind of verging on the nebulously canon but like. Im not going to formally diagnose a man i dont know and enjoy sexualising on the internet so it’s getting put in here

[buckieduckie2]

why i joined tumblr and why i ship byler- cause i want to info dump cause i can

i wanna tell everyone why i got on tumblr because i can and i want to

so i got on tumblr because of byler during august. i started shipping byler during july.

i was kinda late to the stranger things party and i didnt actually watch it until may of 2022, but funny enough, it WASNT because of season 4 at all actually. my friend just really really wanted me to watch it because she thought id like it. she was riiiiiggghhthttttt.

yeah lmfao i didnt watch stranger things cause there was so much hype around season 4, i watched it because i wanted something gay to watch cause my heart stopper hyperfixation had just gone away and i still needed something gay to watch. i dm my friend saying "hey, do you have anything gay to watch because i need to watch something gay" and she gave me a list and was like "richie from IT is gay" and "will from stranger things is gay" and of course MY brain translated this to "mike is gay" because of notions from before hand i had about this little known to me character mike and also the fact that i knew that finn wolfhard played richie so i mistook will for mike because i was thinking the FCU and- yeah

so yeah i watched stranger things because a) my frined really wanted me to and b) the knowlege that mike was gay and thats what pushed me

anyways to safe to say i was THOROUGHLY confused when they started pulling the mike and el narraitve cause i LEGITEMATELY just thought it was straight canon like genuinelly- i had already imagined what i thougt the coming out scene would be like for him- LMFOAOOOO

anyways back on track- so then mike and el kissed and ill admit i was a lil disappointed but i was like fuck it ig theyre cute and then proceeded to be BLINDEDDDDDD by comp het. twas a very sad three next seasons for me in retrospect 😔

so then i saw the "its not my fault you dont like girls" and then i was like- oh yeah this is the dude my friend was talking about

ANYWAYS

so yeah why i got on tumblr?

cause i got on pinterest andnndndnd yk naturally statrted filling my feed with stranger things stuff and of course i loved will cause he was gay and that made me so like omgggggg yass hes gay and that makes me so happy- but like i didnt ship byler- I THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA GET TO SEE ONE DUDE IN THE VERY LAST SCENE HELP 💀🖐 i now realize im allowed to hold myself to better standards

so everytime i would see something byler related id be like, yeahhhhhhh its cute but not for me </3 cause i was like "yeah will likes mike but obvi mike doesnt like will back 🙄" and i thought it was a lil kookie and also was a firm believer that mike was straight cause yk i love throwing away all my suspicions that were raised while watching season 4 yk i love just forgetting everything 💀

and THEN one faitful day in july i was over at my friends house (The same gril who made me wtch stranger things) and we were watching gay stranger things edits on tiktok (as ya do) and GIRLIE

there was one edit- (and usually as i was watching these compilations i would just ignore the byler stuff and-) it was a rink-o-mania edit

need i say more

i saw that look

i SAW THAT LOOK

and i knew

we paused the video immediately and were like "well- i mean i know that mike is straight-" "yeah exactLy-" "but-" "but-" "but right there-" "yeah i dont know that-" "that seemed pretty gay-" "but mike is straight, right?" "yeah- yeah..- mike is straight..." "yeah..." "...yeah..."

literally how it went

anyways so then im like- its running thorugh my head all evening and like- that sole video was enough to like 99% convince me he was gay- like cmon fellas lets be real here. anyways so yeah i was now 99% convinced that mike was gay or not straight yk (im a gay mike truther now) and we talked about it for a lil and

yeah so then i started paying more attention to the byler posts on my pinterest page and i started reading theroies, all of which were tumblr screen shots and i started really convinceing myself- still was on the fence but-

the one post, and one of the first posts that i read. and the post that conviced me was "Why I no longer think Mike Wheeler is Bi, but Gay" yk the iconic post from @kaypeace21? yeah so i read that and was like "fuck im convinced" and then i proceeded to read the entirety of the byler slides over the course of a 3 day period and fully fully convinced myself

and yeah i kept looking at theories on pinterest screen shotted from tumblr and yk byler was my everything (and still very much is) and i loved pinterest and spent all of my time on there and- 💀 i read- i read w- wh- wattpad fics 💀😟 BUT ITS OKAY because i actually found a pretty good collection of one shots on there but- nah man after one specific fic i found i had to call it quits cause i couldnt handle it anymore 💀💀💀💀

and then i found one poster on pinterest that would just do daily updates on the byler tag on tumblr and eventuallyyyyyy i decided tumblr looked really fun and i was tired of just watching afar tired of WAVING FROM A WINDOW WOOOOAAHHHOWOWAHHHOOOHHH

yeah so i decided enough was enough and i wanted to be directly at the source and part of the action

and now im here <33333

and yeah so i have officially upgraded from Pinterest and Wattpad™ to AO3 and Tumblr™ and thank the lord too 😟🙏

@l0v3c0r3e peer presuring you into reading this entire unit of a post

[for-gilded-cups-are-empty]

Katalepsis after live-read thoughts collection

So, now that im caught up about in time for book 1 to end, i am just regurgitating half-thoughts ive had along the ride, doing some retrospection and working my way through all the stuff i still want to draw.

I think thats one of the big things i really noticed and appreciated about katalepsis. Theres just drawability to it. I havent decided yet if its Hungrys writing style in general, the genre, or most likely, a characteristic of Heathers that got me to figure out i can use my laptop as a drawing tablet. Heather in her internal monologue just has a real appreciation for spaces.

A space is rarely a backdrop to do a scene in, the places and buildings and dimensions are characters to heather in a way that just makest a lot of sense for someone who grew up seeing the personified spirits of the everyday world as well as the varied wilds of Outside.

When the Stairwell trap is sprung, theres a very real feeling of betrayal, the willow house has forsaken raine and heather, who previously thought it a sanctuary.

We later learn that the space was bound, artificial, forced to act against its inhabitants in a way a house usually would not, which fits some themes that come up waaaaayy later.

I originally thought this would just be a quirk of heathers, some flavor to her thought processes, but it really did get picked up as an actual story beat, not just an aesthetic, with the soul of edward lilburnes house.

The Outside places are a bit more metaphorical about this, but strangely more clearly alive as well. The Library is an extension of the catalogue, wonderland is dominated by the eye. Ooran Juhs Projected space is his own physical gullet. Carcosa is the stage of a living play. The very first outside space we get to properly see is on the back of some giant creature, hairs and all.

Theres just Personality to every place that keeps them all so very, very vivid.

Ive been planning to draw wonderland ever since the mirror incident at the very beginning of the story, and in a very funny way, as ive drawn other stuff along the way ive been training for wonderland and the eye along with the cast. I really want to do it justice.

Staying on said cast for a bit, ive already talked about raine for a good bit, but theyre all amazing. I was always happy to see that an arc or a few chapters would become a cast members designated backstory time, because i really do want to know more about them and how they work as people. After about the middle point of the story though, those moments and how they connected became pretty hard for me to keep track off

For a reader who was along for the ride since the start, having to wait between chapters as they come out, the pacing probably works way better than it did for me.

I found myself really wishing for more time with the spookycule in each stage of development it had. Early katalepsis with just raine evee and heather is probably where it was the closest to ideal for me, in terms of just vibes i enjoy and things to keep track of.

I dont want to be too analytical, im bad at that, but for example we only see the fractal used to banish a sharrowford cult servitor once.

There could have been way more time spent in the twilight of magic, the street level zone, where every accidental slip outside is a moment of grand terror, and heather learns to live with the idea that the spirits are real.

For someone who gets called “Shaman” a lot later on, we only really see her asking a spirit for directions once (the wrecking ball hands gorilla), where i was expecting that to become a very integral bit of her kit as a character. I love the cephalopod changeling we got instead, but i do feel there could have been a heather who learned to work with her non brain pain vomit inducing abilities for practical reasons, at least for a little while.

After that comes the Messenger demon and maisies message. Knowing the rest of the story, i love that the primary motivation set up here has jack and shit to do with Ed or Alex. This isnt a story about killing the bad guy, its in a very serious way a story about love and that is what should motivate the characters.

Ed and Alex really are just invaders to the story, who grasp at threads that should not concern them at all, with their meddling eventually causing the collapse of Alexs portion of the cult under the Eyes gaze.

I dont quite know how much actual space is in between Kimberly and Zheng joining the household, but this is really the part of the story where just a lot happened at once. We get both badger and sarika, the entire abyss transformation and zheng so very close together.

During the time of the dead hands there is actually some breathing room though. Mostly because set dead hands keep us consigned to a breathable atmosphere for a bit.

The other big stretch of story that i wish lasted longer is the post proposal journey with sevens and saldis through carcosa. Given how time works outside, that whole stretch of time could have really stretched for a while without threatening the maisie limit, and i do wish that some of sevens later character development had happened in here, since i didnt quite know what to think of her after they left the palace, whereas right now in the end she is one of my favourites. I still dont know what i think of the king in yellow being in this story at all, but thats a me issue.

Yeah, so given that most of the smaller thoughts ive already posted in the liveread chat, i guess ive now covered my two big thoughts. I love how katalepsis treats spaces, and the only thing i had any problems with was the pacing, which tbh might just be because i didnt take my time when reading at all.

Time for even less structured thoughts now, just a rapid fire of things that come to mind after reading:

I hope we eventually get a perspective on the worlds cosmology from a mage fully unconnected to the vaguely interconnected british underworld of mages, im very curious how deeply different interpretations of outside, the abyss, demons and beyonders a person might have if they never interacted with the humunculus wars environment. The abyss beeing wet and aquatic seemed to be a general truth, to edward, zheng and even lozzie, until we met taika for example. I want to see more of that.

I said earlier that sevens has become one of my favourites, which is kinda stupid since most characters are my favourite at something by some measure, but Raine and Evee are still the two that are the most meaningful or connected to me. Ive already gone into maybe too much detail on how Raine just works in a way that ive never seen portrayed in anything for some reason. What i havent really realized until about now is how similar evees struggle is. There is that same need to feel useful. They both define their fundamental self via a skill that is in some way repulsive to them for whatever reason, and must cling to another to point them in a direction where they feel they can use it to do good. Evee has to feel useful, has to justify her presence and her dangerous knowledge to herself to some degree, and helping heather is how she does it for now.

The fundamental difference i think is that Raine chose to define herself that way, as knight errant, as supporter, while evee feels any other option to act on the world was taken from her by her mother. This mostly takes the form of her physical disability often stopping her from acting in time, reaching places, but also stopping her anorgasmia seemingly stopping her from loving in the way she thinks is correct (at that point of the story at least. Both of those are changing of course, mostly thanks to Praem).

It kind of lines up with Kimberly in a funky way, since she essentially decided not to use sorcery to justify her presence, both in the house and the story, but still remained around and appreciated, as a sort of in universe counterpoint to evees negative view of herself.

Thats all i can think of for now, i dont actually now how to end this, this isnt a sotry analysis, i have no conclusion except that im glad i caught up so close to the end, because im excited to see all of us react to whatever crazy shit is going down live!

[jaded-of-mara]

LEGENDS CON RETROSPECTIVE

COSPLAY THOUGHTS

I suffer from specialist little boy syndrome. every local con i've gone to, i've been the only mara jade. HOWEVER. i knew that there would be multiple maras at legends con. and i was right

when i saw barbara hambly was going to speak at legends con, i knew i was going to have to cosplay callista. because i suffer from specialist little boy syndrome.

this is my own interpretation of callista, based on a combination of several official art pieces that i just didn't vibe with tbh. i do what i want

BUT in retrospect. if i ever decide to work with this type of vinyl again. please shoot me

anyway. a few people recognized me. i probably shouldve asked for a photo with barbara hambly but i chickened out.

i'm glad fandom is starting to reevaluate callista. because the misogyny present in some of those older fics? woof

also: new definition of hell unlocked: sitting trapped in a lightsaber sales pitch while your wig cap crawls up your head underneath your wig and you have to sit there nodding politely while trapped in a sensory nightmare

CONVENTION THOUGHTS

pretty tight. lotta good panels

got the unofficial guide book for dark horse star wars writers. some stuff thats applicable to fic some stuff not. vv funny to see how many of its rules the new canon violates tho

also some panels that were actually sales pitches

also some panels that couldve used some audience q&a rather than just prepared questions, but who knows what guests stipulate

i recognize that with every con there will always be some panel overlap, but the 15 minute overlap specifically felt a little harsh. day-of it wasn't as much of an issue bc of last-minute reschedulings

artist alley was a little bare, but it was a first con, things can only go up from here. shocking the places that supernatural merch can creep into tho

SOCIALIZATION THOUGHTS

i shouldve come out of my shell more. or cajoled a friend into making the thousand-mile drive with me.

i might have made more friends if i had gone to cantina night but i don't drink so idk what the vibe wouldve been

i did end up meeting a tumblr mutual for breakfast in burbank proper and that was fun

to make up for not making friends day of i have been following everyone whos posted in the legends con tag. from my main which has a cring url so who knows if they know i was there

HOTEL THOUGHTS

i wish i had checked out the hot tub but i didnt see the sign for where it was until i was checking out. i thought the only pool was outdoors and (see photos above) me and outdoor pools don't mix well

this is a very white trash and/or dean-coded thing to say but every hotel room should come with both continental breakfast AND a microwave

staff were vv nice but also i did feel silly walking around in my costume in the fancy lobby during an actual like. work convention

CONCLUSION

one of the organizers informally speculated that the next legends con might not be until spring/summer 2025. if thats the case, good, bc it means my body will have forgotten what it was like driving from green river utah to burbank in one day (do not recommend)

[sc0rpi0sys]

some things we did throughout our life that should've clued us into the fact that we have various mental conditions, but didn't bc we didn't have proper education on mental health!

including but not limited to:

literally talking in our head like there is a number of people there with different opinions and different things they want to do (osdd)

eating ultimately three things throughout our whole childhood (autism)

having very specific headcanons on certain fandoms and characters. seeing some other headcanons, saying "oh, i like that!" but never putting them in our personal works/rps/etc for unknown reasons, even though i wanted to (osdd, introjects)

hating shopping until i was able to shop by my rules. it's either quick, with minimum try-ons, clothes a few sizes bigger than it fits, or we're unhappy, getting cranky super fast and hurry to leave cus it's boring/uncomfortable (autism)

ditching our best friend since kindergarten up to primary school in primary school cus she started being friends with another person and i felt ignored (bpd)

being borderline romantic with another best friend all throughout middle school, but never having actual romantic feelings for her. being jealous of her other friendship (bpd)

terrible, terrible, AWFUL memory. we still have a running joke with a friend of how my memory cuts out around her 12th birthday, she doesn't know we're a system (osdd)

only being able to wear specific clothes. wearing the same hoodie for weeks in middle school cus it was the only safe choice (autism)

starting to "date" a boy in middle school i didn't even like in a try to fit in with our best friend who had a crush on that boy (autism) (funny thing is, she didnt have a crush on him. she was mimicking me while i was mimicking her. yes, she's trying for RAS atm)

never being able to have a conclusive opinion on anything except sensory stuff. felt like our opinions switched sometimes daily (osdd)

feeling like i never knew how it is to like something. instead of just liking something it felt like we just chose to like something one day (all three, i account it to all three. its a mess)

just so many sensory problems (autism)

buying clothes i Loved in the shops and ending up not wearing them once or wearing them Onlg once bc they didnt seem so good later, to the point sometimes we would cringe at some stuff we bought (osdd)

not being able to cry, but at the same time wanting to so badly it hurt (osdd)

rage fits. over little things, big things, any things that bothered me (bpd)

obsessive interests. so obsessive i wouldn't talk about any other stuff for weeks no matter if my friends were interested in listening to me (autism)

but at the same time having some interests that turned on and off with time. examplified by our team's favourite: reading homestuck for over two years because some weeks we binged it to the best of our abilities and some weeks we weren't interested even in the slightest (osdd and autism)

"kinning" characters in a very specific way. not trying to act like them consciously, but ending up doing it naturally. not being able to stop on demand, even if demand came from myself (osdd, introjects)

reckless behaviour, adrenaline seeking even. im not about to confess to my crimes on social media but we might or might not stole a couple of things back in the day (bpd)

having drastically different styles day-to-day if we went somewhere that is not school (osdd)

usually getting along with younger kids better than with peers (autism)

k lol thats it. its not an exhaustive list by any means and i purposefully didnt include any heavier stuff just bc. i dont want to lol. its not fun and games all the time, but its also not always awful, some things are pretty funny in retrospect

[sonicenvy]

so i decided to learn to crochet and my mom and i had an argument about it, which in retrospect was 50% funny and 50% depressing.

i was like just vibing crocheting a shitty scarf as my first project (as one does) and my mom was all like "you're wasting your time doing this and procrastinating on things that you need to do" (sidenote it is like 8:00 PM during this conversation lmao).

im all like "oh? why?" and she goes "well you can just buy a scarf from the store for like $10."

personally i think that this crocheting for me is a lot like pottery in that it is more about the practice of making than about the object itself. i am "getting my hands dirty" with a real, tangible and useful object. this is like the opposite of wasting my time playing video games or dicking around on tumblr dot com or something. i find making stuff and things, especially practical simple items kinda spiritual actually and i feel this sense of connection with the past and with our ancestors when i make stuff. plus when i use a thing that i made in my day to day life, like having a bowl of soup i made from scratch in a simple green bowl that i made with toast i made from bread i made from scratch on simple plate i made i feel things. there's something magical and wonderful about simple useful things and making idk.

that said, like no matter what i said she just ... didn't get it and insisted that doing this is a waste of my time. #momfinallyundestandhobbies2023

we circled around to the "you have nothing to show for yourself despite being out of college for almost 4 years" argument which was fun and the "you did nothing this week".

which. like. i painted 3 doors on monday. i had CANCER removal surgery on tuesday. i went to work for 7 hours on wednesday and taught a group of children how to make paper snowflakes. today i finished some overdue online work training modules, went to the doctor and had blood drawn and then went to the craft store to buy replacement buttons for a dress im rehabing and then went to the grocery. i also worked on figuring out what was wrong with a broken family heirloom camera that i inherited. and i did crochet. so. like. i didn't do nothing this week. sure i slept the back half of the day on tuesday and overslept (in til 9AM) today, but like. i am in a lot of pain (between 5/10 and 6.5/10) from a burned hole in my head with stitches. so uh. yeah.

idk i think that the fact that im not dead (and still employed, if part time) despite months of extreme fatigue and crippling depressive episodes, lots of shitty death and family drama, and oh. yeah. fucking CANCER. TWICE, is actually pretty good. idk. maybe thats just me.

anyways 2021-2022 have been big ass FML years and i just want it to stop. god if you're real you're a bitch.

[hirokiyuu]

actually i changed my mind i'm doing liner notes while fic is stlil fresh in my brain

i wanted so so badly to title this "how could i ever be so dumb to believe i'd be the one you would adore" but it was too long. heartbreaking. this would still have been such a baller title. i did consider "the one you would adore" but i think the title i settled on was better lol

i also wanted to use smth from no love in february which is also pretty dyssol for this exact scenario u kno. wnating sol to have reached out to him and hten not getting it <3 "where were you when i needed to hear you say / turn around i'm right behind you!" all that shit its soooo good for htem tbh

originally sym emerged "from the shadows of the forest" and my beta was like "there's no forest this is the ridges, the whole point is there's no forest" and i had to pull up the literal in-game text that has him emerging, quote, "from the shadows of the forest." they were so angry it was immesnely funny. i did cut it tho bc it's technically inconsistent w/worldbuilding LMFAO

i kind of wish it'd come up more but part of this sol is characterized by being unaugmented. real fucked up that people just give u extra kudos for not being augmented lmfao i do think abt that as the perk a lot

this sol's also super poly. i wanna go into this in another ficlet maybe but she was genuinely really vibing with dys's crush on sym from the start (which is part of the reason he was confused abt whether or not she liked him, lol)

originally this run was gonna be ot3 but i fucked up the timing of sym's last event but honestly? ive mentioned this before but hinge poly sol/dys/sym? does vibe. tfw ur boyfriend is clearly in love w/ur girlfriend who shes not dating also and u jsut ahve to deal w/that

a lot of the convo ended up rearranged from canon to better flow, and some stuff got cut. im still SO sad i couldnt work in dys droppign his entire dinner in the fire thats like one of my favorite parts. dyssol is best when they are both STupid <3

also sad in retrospect i had to cut the whole "where were you" but again it did not fit. i just wanted them yelling stupidly at each other tbh LAKHSGLKAHSLDKG

so i wrote this entire fic out of order starting with "you absolute spacehead, i am in love with you" which means when i wrote the part where sym cuts in my beta, who never got this scene, went SYM WAS JUST THERE? and i was like. yeah. thats canon btw thats part of the canon scene. and they lost it

"i am so stupid into you, i love you more than anything or anyone in this whole dumb universe" as a dramatic love confession is fun i think. simultaneously very like...... desperate and aching and also kind of stupid u kno. very nineteen of her. one of my fave lines from this in general tbh

the funniest possible note from my beta on the middle of the kiss

"i want all those kids tammy and i picked out dumb names for when we were nine" is another personal fave lmfao. again. dumb teens trying to talk abt the future and what they want

it was really important to me that sol didn't look pretty while she was crying. snotty + wet-faced and kind of ugly about it u kno. dyssol are a little gross and they love each other about it! it's aprt of the love

ive always thought abt dys not having anyone to find him on the spaceship (if hes not sols childhood friend) and connecting that to him disappearing on the ridges. the vibes. impeccable. of course he goes home with sol then if they ask, it's the first time anyones come looking. god. (thinking abt dyssol) GOD

dys: hey does anyone think its weird youer both just dating me now. no? just me? okay

i mean obviously the polyam negotiations DO come but again. this sol+sym in general are both just like. sweet more people to love dys

i didnt tag this as marz+dys or utopia+dys but it is immensely importnat to me that he has multiple people who love and worry and care for him. marz fucks up a lot as kids but i like how if u try to bully dys in her 10 shes like :/ no you moron im trying to KEEP him from dying :////

"clinging like he's five years old" This One Was On Purpose

originally at the end there was a joke sol made abt jumping him but it didn't fit tonally. i do think its immensely funny conceptually still tho

WOW THESE GOT LONG LMFAO anyways i lvoe ridgefic the whole ridge confession really did smth to my brain. enjoy the fruits of my disease

[pilotheather]

k. finale time

ep 11 - dark water

preface this by me saying im doing dogshit right now so idk if im going to get through this ep in one go we'll see

again. kinda wish i saw these live. i bet the reveals in this finale were crazy. and again bugh... im thinking again about current who and sigh bc we're never gonna get that again are we. sorry i whined already. it was just nice to watch stuff with ppl even if youre, like, alone. now its just straight up alone. LOL.

like i dont even know what was happening at this time. do the reddit live reeaction threads exist from back then. did they know danny was abt to die right now. like was that leaked. im certain therre was missy speculation which speaking fo im excited to see her again. missy come home

like jesus fucking christ

WHY IS MADGE FREOM BENIDORM HERE I FORGOT SHEWAS LIKE CLARAS NAN HLEP ME sorry that took me out of it

CLARA YOU'RE SO FUNNY FOR THIS

THE WAY HE DOES NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF. "DANNY PINK IS DEAD." HE'S LIKE UM. AND? STOP. CHRIST.

why did it make the splunch.mp4 sound when she chucked it.

i think its funny. i still lowkey hate clara for season 7 and a lot of the... very irritating qualities written into her. but i am also kind of obsessed sometimes. i wish companions could be wretched cunts like this more often.

i keep thinking about how much i'd kill myself bass boosted if i did manage to actually off myself properly and there was still more. and if chris addison was the one there to tell me that.

hi missy

shes so funny shes so funny fo rhtis everything about missy is maybe the funniest fucking thing conceieved i need moffat desperately for this in retrospect this is such an insanely thing to do with the master but also shes just havbing fun

THE WAY SHE JUST JUMPS HIM LIKE CHRIST ITS SO GOOD

"My heart... Is maintained by the Doctor..." "Doctor... Who? 🤨" "... 🥺............... DOCTOR CHANG!!! 🤬"

i forgot how kinda dopey these cybermen looked

guys i miss the s10 finale

i need her so bad 👆

ep 12 - death in heaven

its funny i dont remember that much from this finale but comparatively i swear i rate it like. relatively highly as being pretty solid.

thats not saying jack shit so many of the finales are dog shit

OSGOODDDD YOUR RELENTLESS SLAYYYYY

"87. Ocd." help me.

i forget help why did you sedate him youre insane

the really dodgy fucking crowd outside saying the mos t obvious shit is making me giggle. also ilove this absolute bullshit scifi mumbo jumbo, even worse than usual, like i forgot they did it like this. like what the fuck are you talking about. the rain forming perfect metal suits around them. hang on does it have a name

https://tardis.fandom.com/wiki/Cyber-pollen

you're lying to me (<- he would later find out they said this in the episode)

i wish they'd done something with the designs to make it look more organic and to make it look like it literally grew over the corpses. i get that that would be more expensive but it would be tight as fuck. i love it when the cybermen lean into horror more.

why did they make him the president. its so messy.

clara just yapping

also classic fucking moffat giving his special little girl the same birthdya as doctor who fuck off man.

isnt it crazy how missy and 12 are so toxic yuri

its bewildering to me how danny is somhehow the only one that did not hit that fat delete button like i guess ok fin hes one of the last few in there but help me. is there really no one else. i guess if you simulate them ALL feeling eerything they would all jsut delete in the end but still

Permission to squee!

YOU, DOCTOR, ARE A HATER.

THE THANK YOU AND THE LITTLE KISS IS SO FUNNY

IT JUST SENDS ME INTO HYSTERICS THE WAY THIS WHOLE TIME CLARA IS JUST HUGGING HER METAL BOY TOY.

SOLDIERS

WE MUST FIGHT IN THE KILL YOURSELF WAR

EVERYONE. FLY UP AND EXPLODE RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

"All of it is on you." GIRL HE DID NOTHING

BRIGADIER JUST THERE LIKE EHRM. 🧍‍♂️

danny you are such a little angel baby pookie pecan pie with sprinkles and cherries

this is so fucking rough man

imagine if this was 12 and clara goodbye. help me. that would have been so funny

[ser-zoras]

its pretty funny in retrospect that tumblr once showed me a screenshot of MY OWN POST being made fun of in the "based on your likes!" thing on my dash. like i found out people were tagging my shit as fandom wank because tumblr thought i would like to know and thats fucking hilarious

[liquidstar]

Hi! I haven’t read the Kaguya-sama manga, only watched the anime, and I was wondering how different the tone is once Kaguya and Shirogane start dating? Is it like, considerably less funny or is it funny in a different way?

well there are a lot more serious arcs that last for longer. (spoilers: almost immediately after their first kiss theres a pretty heavy one that centers around kaguya's dissociative disorder that goes on for a few volumes, we're gonna see that one this season actually) the further into the story you get the more "arcs" and continuing plot-threads there are in general. but the humor doesnt go away all together, there are still plenty of bullshit stupid comedy chapters. sometimes they have some more serious stuff peppered in, or maybe it just seems more serious now that we have proper context (like how in the early volumes and season 1 there was plenty of stuff you can look back on in retrospect and see was setup for the more serious character stuff). but the lighthearted tone doesnt go away all together, even the serious chapters have their moments of comedic relief. the jokes sort of stop being centered around “getting them to confess” and more-so just general character antics, and the occasional comedic misunderstanding. 

SPOILERS but i feel like my only real complaint is sometimes i wish the story would balance its side characters a bit better, because i honest to god am not as invested in any of the other relationships. i feel like the ishimiko relationship was given way too much focus on miko's end (did we really need that whole falling-out arc between her and kobachi? just felt tedious). and then on ishigami's end he just sort of woke up one day and was like "actually im over tsubame. i like miko now." but like. on paper i do like their dynamic! i think its a cute concept! also the romance between fujisaka relationship was sort of like, set up, forgotten about, and then returned to like 100 chapters later lol. but im honestly just glad they made the moeblob character gay so ill take it (and its possible there were limitations on that end from the publisher or editor, since both characters are popular "waifus" so its only being done now that the manga is ending. thats total speculation though). also im sorry but mikado’s character did nothing like. he had potential but i feel like he was just kind of There.... like hes fine and all, but he sort of felt unneeded for the story, it doesnt feel like his presence amounted to much, sadly. wish wed seen more of the ttgc tho