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spyoikawa · 3 years

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Peonies for Goshiki Tsutomu, you can write the confession however you please.

@2-player-game yay, another new character! Thank you for this request!

Also, I would figure people would know this seeing its goshiki, but just in case, ⚠️spoiler warning for the karasuno vs shiratorizawa game⚠️

Rion's Flower Shop: Peonies

(Goshiki Tsutomu)

♡romantic♡

Goshiki was REALLY clueless when it came to having a crush. And it didn't help that all his senpais had different ideas on how to woo a person.

"Do it in the spring with cherry blossoms, I see that in manga a lot!" -tendou

"Try writing a song or poem, thats something they can treasure forever, and its made just for them" -semi

"Just tell them, the worst that can happen is a rejection" -shirabu

He wasn't sure who's advice to take, so he ended up pushing it away for a while. He had to focus more on his volleyball matches anyways.

But thats harder to do than he thought, seeing how you never failed to miss a match.

Everytime he looked up, he could see you in the audience, watching the match as intently as possible. And if he was completely honest with himself, thats where it started. When he sees you watching the ball, and the players, and the court with a passion and support for your school.

And it was after one of these games, that goshiki spoke to you for the first time. Or rather, you spoke to him.

"Hey!" You piped up, "Goshiki!"

He nearly dropped all his stuff right then and there, and it took everything the team had not to laugh at him.

"Y/N! I mean- y/n, did you need something?" He stammered out

You grinned, happy to see he was willing to talk with you. "Yeah! I just wanted to let you know, you did great back there! The line-shot was incredible, and you looked so confident, like you knew you were gonna hit it no matter what! It was amazing!"

*goshiki.exe has stopped working*

Well what does he say now?! His crush is right in front of him, and they just complimented his play-

"You could be the ace someday!" You interrupted his thoughts.

That's it. Nope. Goshiki was a goner.

"Give me one second" he silently said to you, before whipping around, dragging his teammates around the corner. Everyone was a little confused at this.

"Um... goshiki...? You alright there?" Semi asked, "you look pale and red at the same time, I dont think that's norma-"

"WHAT DO I DO" he cut through his senpai's sentence, "I dont know what to do- I mean I know I could just tell them, but that seems to basic doesn't it?"

Shirabu rolled his eyes at this, "dude. Just do it. Or don't, if you dont feel like doing it, then say 'thanks for the compliment yada yada' move on and leave, not that hard"

Goshiki sucked in a breath, knowing he was right. "Okok, I got this"

He walked around the corner, facing you again.

You tilted your head a bit, "you ok? You look pale and red at the same time? You don't have a fever right?"

*cue muffled laughter of tendou and semi*

"I'm 100% a-ok, I am good, thank you for the compliment, and thank you for coming to our games, have a good day" he stated before walking away, leaving you to stare in confusion.

And now comes the hardest part for the both of you. The avoidance.

He really didn't want to go through that experience again, speaking to you, he felt like his heart would leap out of his throat and he doesn't want to be caught like that.

His solution? Don't speak to you for months. It was rough, seeing you enjoyed chatting with him about random things and volleyball. And it was rough on him to have to avoid you, simply because he didn't know how to handle this sort of thing. And he went all out to make sure you didn't cross paths. He would do a full 180 in the hallways, even if he was talking with someone else or his class was in the other direction, after practice he would clean up at speeds that freaked out the team, and did his extra practice someplace else, knowing that you come to the gym after school.

Time passed, and soon came the next game, against karasuno.

It was rough on everyone, the team fought so hard, only to be swept down by the new team who came to the top out of nowhere. It was crushing to everyone, the 3rd years played their last game and they were so confident in winning.

Goshiki was by himself, packing his stuff before you came up behind him.

"Goshiki?" You quietly asked.

He jumped slightly at this, and panic flooded his senses when he realized you were here.

"Y/n- what are you doing here? The game ended ages ago, why didn't you go already?"

He was nervous, but he'd be damned if he showed it.

"I wanted to speak with you," you started, "I'm really sorry about the game, I know you were excited and ready for it"

He sucked in a breath, not ready for the pep talk that would allow the fact that they lost to really settle in.

You continued, not noticing, "and the thing is, you did your absolute best, so it doesn't matter! Because I know that despite the outcome of the game, you are the better volleyball player, and- wait are you ok?"

You had paused when you realized he was looking up at you. And before you knew it, he was hugging you.

"Please stop," he barely whispered, "please don't say that. Just let me have this and it can be said without you speaking"

You loosened your body, releasing the initial tension that took you when he embraced you.

"Right sorry, I'll be quiet now" you whispered.

After what felt like ages, he released you and wordlessly gathered his stuff. You walked beside him in comple silence to the bus stop.

"Hey... ive gathered my thoughts now" he mumbled, voice raw from the earlier game, where he had used so much breath and yelling.

You looked up in curiosity, "what are you talking about?"

He inhaled sharply.

"Im sorry for avoiding you for a while, and I'm sorry for telling you to stop talking earlier. I was upset. I was so focused on volleyball and what would happen, but the season's over now. So I guess I can say it now"

The bus he would take pulled up, interrupting him for a second, opening the door.

"I like you, and I wasn't sure what to do"

And with that he pecked you on the cheek, and walked into the bus without another word. Leaving you stunned.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

*across the road*

"👁👄👁"

"😐"

"D-did he really just do that?" Tendou stammered out in confusion.

"I guess so...?!" Semi's eyes were wide open, watching your shocked figure, still frozen at the stop after the bus had left.

"At least he did it. Horribly. But he did it" Shirabu sighed, "what do you think senpai?"

Ushijima looked over, realizing he was being addressed, before shrugging.

"Im glad he did what I told him to do" he stated simply before walking away.

"WHAT-"

I'm sorry if this was bad, I'm really not familiar with goshiki, but it was still fun to write! If you want me to try again, let me know and I will fix it!

God I really feel like I messed up sorry-

But still, thank you again for the request, it let's me try new things! And to those of you who aren't aware, this is a part of my event, so go check it out please!

#goshiki #goshiki tsutomu #goshiki x reader #goshiki x y/n #goshiki hcs #goshiki headcanons #goshiki scenario #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x y/n #goshiki fluff #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu scenario #haikyuu hcs #haikyuu headcanons #oririon flowershop event

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 3 years

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Trigger warning: gaslighting, cheating, possible COCSA

I am seeking: support and validation

In about the 7th grade I was struggling with feeling like my friends loved me and didn’t think I was an annoying burden on them and I fucked up big time in that current relationship. I had already felt like an outsider in my own friend group and my own closer inner circle right before school was ending. And to not beat around the bush I had cheated on my at the time partner and hated myself for it. I also can’t talk to the person who I cheated on them with anymore because I feel gross and tainted from the experience, looking back I didn’t want to do it either. I kept feeling pressured to keep going and I just couldn’t say no but I also couldn’t say yes to them. when I finally came out about that night I lost everything. I had a semi-close friend and partner of one of my inner circle friends gaslight me for the entire summer. Or at least, I think they gaslit me, every time I use that word I feel like a fraud. I can feel my own brain invalidate me and I can’t stop it and it kills me inside. I had lost contact to all those friends, even my inner circle childhood friends for months, hating myself every minute and making amends to my partner (which we had fully come together and patched everything up for months after the incident) while still having that one person chatting in my ear bringing up the incident time after time but I kept reaching out because I was just so lonely and desperate. And the one time I reached out to the others and they welcomed me back they swooped in and kicked me out and made me vulnerable again to their abuse. I felt like an irredeemable villain for that, I still flinch mentally when people bring up cheating even on the internet in passing posts because I feel that guilt rise in my gut and I hear their words over again. I know I fucked up and I can’t escape it but I was also just a kid, I knew it was wrong I know I knew it was wrong but it kills me that they chose to make my private fuck up their personal play ground to abuse me mentally. I reconnected with my close circle again too, when school started back up, they asked me why I hadn’t come back, they told me about how they missed me and missed hanging out with me. I felt sick at that moment, I wish I had gone back, I wish I had never done that in the first place but I know I can’t change that. I lost touch with the other people, I lost touch with most of my old friends once I started Highschool. I don’t regret leaving them for the people I have now, I’m kinda coming to terms that I didn’t like them all too much in the first place. I have newer, better friends now and they’ve helped push me to ask for support from a therapist which ive gotten. I don’t think I can tell my therapist about the cheating or the abuse though, I don’t think I could handle their reaction. I imagine them shaming me even if I know that’s not what would happen. I think that I imagine it like that because of the experience I had that summer. I wish I knew how to escape these memories.

Cheating doesn't magically turn someone into a bad person. One action does not define your entire life, especially when you didn't want it to happen. You are not an irredeemable villain. My partner had an affair 2 years ago. And yes, it sucked a lot and was traumatic for me. I still don't think he's a bad person. He's a good person who made a bad choice. And after making that bad choice, he worked hard to make better choices in the future. That says more about his character than the affair.

I would never wish abuse on him, because he doesn't deserve it. Even if he wasn't remorseful about it, he still wouldn't deserve abuse. And you don't deserve the way you were treated by your friends after what happened, either. Nobody deserves to be treated like that no matter what they did.

I'm glad you have newer, better friends, and I do think that getting support from a therapist could be helpful. It can be hard to find a therapist who might be able to help, but you should be able to book a free consultation phone call with a therapist and that is a good chance to ask about whether they're comfortable discussing cheating and setting their own personal moral judgments to provide support to someone. You deserve compassion and support for the horrific way your "friends" abused you, and for being in a situation where you felt you couldn't say no (and being left with guilt over it).

- Mod Allison

#trauma talks #tw abuse #tw cheating #tw infidelity #mod allison

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thejoshuaglenn-blog · 3 years

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You're a Good Boy, Charlie Brown

The key purpose of a Tumblr blog here is really a brain dump: logging thoughts, feelings, narrative and such is easier in long form than via a brief Facebook post that generates half a dozen "oh no, what happened" comments. As I'm writing this, most of it seems like bullet points and organized timelines. If you're looking for a TL;DR or current state of thoughts, it's the last section titled The Day After, and the Day After That.

A few days ago, Niko and I said goodbye to our first dog, Charlie Brown.

I'm not keen to chat about it a lot. There's more to process than I have time to type; most of it centers around being fair to myself and to Niko, taking the time to appreciate his life without beating ourselves up, and avoiding the overwhelming mire that grief can become.

Joining the Family

CB was a rescue, a hapless victim of the 2016 Louisiana floods and a happy-go-lucky participant in a "dog for a day" event hosted by a local shelter. I fully expected to rent him out for a day, give him a few great experiences, and return him. For myriad reasons, we never did bring him back to Pet Rescue by Judy, and he's been with us ever since.

At adoption, he was estimated to be around 4-8 years old. With a kicked-in shoulder that offset his collarbone and ribcage, some assorted dental issues, and other little signs of damage (cigarette burns, what the heck is wrong with people), it was tough to really gauge his age. That means he left this world at the ripe old age of something like 9-13, which isn't terrible considering all he'd been through.

Charlie Brown was the iconic good boy. He seldom barked, he never licked or jumped, and just wanted to be in the same room as his favorite people. He had a few toys that he cherished, never ripping them up, just carrying them with him from room to room and whining a bit, unsure of where he could store them for safekeeping. Apart from some separation anxiety issues and an occasional urge to bolt out the door and book it as far as he could, CB was by all accounts an easy first dog: more like a low-effort cat than anything else.

Slowly Falling Apart

Over time, the health issues increased. Intermittent but predictably regular upset tummy. Bad gums, bad teeth. Random gooey skin lesion. Eye ulcers. Since October, we've been averaging 2-3 unplanned vet visits a month — many incurring some hefty bills. We'd take out another credit card, find another financing plan, but it adds up. So does the emotional toil on the family; so does the anxiety toll on the dog.

You start to think about quality of life for the dog, you know? He'd had a few teeth removed to sew up his gums after they kinda detached and fell apart from his jawbone — so he couldn't chew anything hard. Couldn't even chew a tennis ball, which was the only toy he took interest in anymore. Couldn't have any fun treats like peanut butter or other soft chews, as his tummy would have bad flare-ups that usually ended up with him attached to an IV bag. After finally settling in and learning to play well with Atlas, Charlie Brown started to get pretty irritable whenever Atlas got frisky.

He still loved running around outdoors, and was in otherwise great health.

I can't tell you how guilty that makes me feel, even now.

Moving to Waltham

Before we left Orlando, there were so many crisis moments in emergency vet offices where Niko and I talked about how long he could ride this roller coaster. CB obviously was not a fan of vet visits: loved the staff, but was notably anxious and panicky when separated from us, and he had grown very loathe to the process of poking, prodding, and whatnot.

Shortly after moving to Waltham (he was a champ in the U-Haul), Charlie Brown had a severe colitis flare-up. He was losing so much fluid and was growing very lethargic over the day. Vets are hard to get into these days: with the sweep of "pandemic puppy" adoptions, the vet industry as a whole is saturated with demand, and practices are responding as best they can. There were just no emergency clinics available to us within 20 miles, except one that noted "we have no availability, but you can come and wait, and we might be able to see you in 4 or 5 hours." So we did.

It was a very late night. Charlie Brown came home with us with another round of the same antibiotics he'd been taking almost regularly since December for his assorted ailments, and some probiotics. The next day, CB seemed a bit better and brighter, and Niko and I went into the city for part of the day. We came home to find he'd had an accident, but it was just... blood. So so much. And he looked so in pain, so ashamed, so guilty, so anxious.

So we went back to the vet ER. It was another very late night. I didn't know how many of these late nights we could afford; neither of us knew how many of these late nights it was fair to expect Charlie Brown to endure.

Do you plan on letting a pet go after an extended crisis visit? Do you plan on letting a pet go in a time of relative peace?

Camping Analogy, and a Best Last Day

When you're off on a long hike, and you see daylight start to fade as the sun begins to set, you begin to think about finding a good place to set up camp for the night. It's abysmal to do this after the sun has already gone down: where you could have had preparation and structure, you have chaos by flashlight.

A dog's life is in your hands. You're his whole world: all food, adventure, pampering, challenge, treatment, and care come from you. More than anything, we wanted Charlie Brown to have a peaceful, restful life. Now that we started thinking about it, we wanted to be able to give him a peaceful, restful passing as well: not as the climax of another overnight crisis with injections and yelps and beeps and cowering and anxiety and fear, but in the still quiet of familiar sounds and smells.

His very last day was a great one. Fresh Pond in Cambridge: a massive stroll around a colossal lake with an absurd bounty of new smells, kind people, happy dogs, and a brisk New England breeze. He got to swim in a little side pond — that boy lived for jumping into random lakes. He ran around the broad field that is Kingsley Bowl, chasing a thrown ball the very very farthest his sad pop could throw it — and he brought it back. We bought him a steak. We told him how much he brought to our lives.

And then we waited.

Lap of Love is a sort of home delivery service of dignified passing for pets. There's more to say on that hour than I care to pen, but throughout the procedure, we never left him. Charlie Brown passed enveloped in our arms and laps and sobs and hugs.

The Day After, and the Day After That

The rest is just thoughts. Your head starts to feel like a coffee shop where your grief comes in, sits at a table with you, and unloads. You nod, listen, and wish them well. I hope I can keep processing this way — I find it helpful, and less overwhelming.

I wish he had been able to play with his tennis ball more. Since his jaw surgery — even out on Kingsley Bowl, nearly a month and a half after he should have been fully healed — any kind of chewing would cause renewed bleeding and pain.

I wish we had hugged him more. But truth be told, he didn't like hugs. They made him uncomfortable. So we gave him a hand to lay his head on, or a knee for him to pop his head upon, as often as he liked.

There were so many times I felt inconvenienced by owning a dog at all. They weren't the majority, but... now each remembered time feels like a splinter of selfishness.

I miss how familiar the back of his neck felt under my hand, just behind the ears, where the waves of fur meet and crash and make a long cowlick of foof and fluff.

His happy smile and his stressed smile were very similar, but you could still tell which was which.

I loved being there for him in thunderstorms.

When you think about it, we sort of were hospice care for him. We weren't his original owners; we just wanted the rest of his life to be painless and fulfilling. He had so many trust issues when he first came to us. And in the end, he loved anyone he met.

I miss feeling around with my feet to make sure I don't step on him on my way to bed. I miss setting my feet on the floor as I wake, stooping down, and giving his head a good squishy rub.

He never did get to see Boston snow. I mean... thousands of dogs never get to see snow. But I was really looking forward to sharing that experience with him.

I wanted so badly to bring him to a point of health, and then say goodbye when he was feeling well. Seeing him have his Best Last Day, part of me whispered "murderer" with cold accuracy, and I have a hard time shaking it. He was so happy — but between jaw bleeding after playing with a tennis ball, seeing him scratch his eyes that were starting to ache with ulcers again... I know the unbridled happiness came with the reality of his declining health.

Atlas was the best thing that ever happened to that boy. I know Charlie Brown was at least a little disgruntled that his easy-going day-to-day had been interrupted by a chompy puppy, but Atlas brought out the young pup in CB: ripping palm fronds to shreds, playing tug, playing tag, meeting new dogs with confidence and assurance.

I used to get so mad at my mother-in-law for feeding Charlie Brown cinnamon donuts. I wish I'd given him more. Heck, I wish I'd given him more peanut butter. I'm frankly surprised he hadn't died of peanut butter overdose years ago.

Where Charlie's health had limits, we kept going with Atlas. That might mean taking Atlas out to play with a ball or a tug toy, because CB couldn't. It breaks my heart now to think of Charlie at the glass door just watching it happen, all because he physically couldn't play the same. I know he didn't understand that.

We took him out to Park Ave maybe once or twice. I wish it had been more. Truth be told, it was the same as the dog park, though: he was kind of a loner. Loads of people or dogs made him anxious. So while I might idealize the past and wish he had sat at our legs for lunch after lunch at an outdoor thoroughfare, ... I think he would have been miserable. I think he would have rather just curled up at the base of the couch and dozed while we watched a show.

He was so trusting. I could just drag him onto his back and onto my lap for cuddles and a good tummy rub. No complaints.

He looked so gaunt these past few months. I keep looking at earlier photos, and I really didn't realize just how grizzly and drawn he had become lately.

I miss seeing him randomly waiting for me outside the bathroom door — or curled up on the bath mat while I was in the shower, having sneakily nosed the door open and wanting my company while I was rinsing.

For his first few years with us, he was incredibly playful. I've been going through old videos — it's like going outside just blew his mind, and toys were either for cherishing daintily, or thrashing about and throwing to oneself and gnawing. He lost that after a time. He regained it a bit when Atlas joined the party. But it still faded. I'm sure that's inevitable, but it makes me sad to see the early vibrant puppy in those old recordings, and how different he had been in recent months.

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got-to-love-a-badboy · 3 years

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So I decided to do a totally random Kalvin Phillips one shot ... those who don’t follow football he is an English footballer, he plays for Leeds united and recently played for England in the euros. He is absolutely gorgeous! And such a little sweet heart!, so yes this is my one shot of Kalvin 🥰

**I got you**

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

Football had always been a huge part of your families life, from being small you remembered going to the match with your father and your older brother, the memories of the atmosphere and the ringing in your ears from the crowd chanting, it all added to the experience of attending a football game. It gave you goosebumps back then and now, as you was four days shy of your 28th birthday walking up the stairs and looking out over the pitch it still took your breath away.

You knew the stadium like the back of your hand, I mean you practically grew up there!, your father had been the teams physio for the last 30 years, up until 6 months ago when he had to take early retirement due to his bad back, he still visited most training days. This meant you knew the players first hand, they were a lovely bunch of guys, and their wife’s were even sweeter, they invited you in like you was one of them, deep down you knew you cared more about the game than they did but it was nice of them to involve you in their pre game drinks.

As you sat in your seat waiting for the game to start the players began making their way into the stadium, your seat was just behind the players benches so as they headed over the players began noticing your father, you and your brother, then you locked eyes with the new midfielder, number 23 Kalvin Phillips, he looked at you with a coy smile before whispering something into team mate, Luke Ayling’s ear, you looked away and began looking on your phone.

After a few moments of your father talking to the players he made his way down the stairs to “look” at a players reoccurring injury with the new physio, you smiled at your father, he had always been the go to guy for the players and this was his happy place.

Right then your thought was interrupted by Luke Ayling calling your name, “Y/N, hi, how are you?”, he asked as he leaned on the railing just in front of you, you smiled up at him being polite, he had a strange smile on his face, “I’m good thanks Luke, how are you?” You asked him, knowing he was going to ask a favour, he usually did, something like ‘do you have any gum’, he looked at your father the back at you, “yeah I’m good, I have a question though”, he admitted, you rolled your eyes at him before replying, “of course you do!” With a light chuckle, he smiled back at you before leaning in and saying “have you seen our new player Kalvin”, you looked to the right to see Kalvin peaking from behind the players box, “you mean the little cute one hiding over there, yeah iv seen him”, you told him, “that’s all I needed to know” Luke smiled and winked at you before walking off.

You never thought anything else of your chat with Luke you just enjoyed the game, it was a fantastic game, Leeds won 3-1 moving them up the table.

After the match finished you always went to the players bar, usually just to accompany your father and drive him home after, your brother always went out with his friend after a game so that left you as the designated driver, you didn’t mind as it meant your father could keep his match/drinks/home routine and that’s all that mattered to you, to see him happy again.

Your father was in full conversation with players/staff etc so you just took your self off to the bar for a soft drink, “il just take a Fanta please” you told the girl behind the bar, “is that all your drinking” you heard coming from behind you, you turned around expecting to have to yell at someone but it was then new player, Kalvin Phillips, “hey, oh uh ye, can’t drink I’m the designated driver”, he licked his lips and nodded his head before sitting next to you, “can I sit here?” He asked you politely, you smiled at him before telling him “oh ye of course, how you finding it at Leeds?”. What he did next sent butterflies to your stomach, he looked you up and down before saying “yeah seems great so far”, something tells you he didn’t mean to let you catch him starting because he looked away straight after.

“PHILLIPS!!” You heard being called from across the room, you both knew the voice and like in sync you and Kalvin rolled your eyes, before long Luke came bounding through the crowd, “ah! Here you are Kalv!, with Y/N none the less”, he was a little drunk, Kalvin just simply nodded at him but Luke wasn’t a discrete kind of guy, you learnt this a long time ago, “so Y/N, has Kalvin confessed his undying love to you yet?”, you just looked between the two of them not wanting to say anything and upset anyone, luckily Kalvin spoke up first, “man come on, go get some air”, Luke just brushed it off and began walking away, not without calling out “your in anyway she said your cute”, he winked at you, laughed and staggered off.

The two of you looked at each other and began laughing, “shall we go sit outside?” You asked him, “sounds perfect” he said and smiled at you. You began grabbing your bag, phone and drink but Kalvin grabbed your drink and helped you off the high stool, “I’ve got you”, he told you, somethin told you that he meant that. He held out his hand for your tiny hand to fall inside as he guided you through the crowd and out into the little garden area outside.

You and Kalvin talked for about an hour, about everything, music, movies, your career and families, it was perfect ..... until the heavens opened and the two of you got soaked, Kalvin grabbed your hand as you both ran towards the door. You soon realise that you couldn’t open it from the outside, luckily there was a small roof over the door, Kalvin pulled your hand an guided you to the corner where you both squeezed in to keep dry. He put himself in the corner and you stood in front with your back to his chest, it felt very intimate, very soon but also very natural.

After a few moments the rain began getting faster, Kalvin put his hand on your hip and pulled you closer to his chest to keep you dry, without thinking you let out a small moan as his hand touched you, the second you realised what you did you turned to face him, he had a huge smile on his face as you looked at him in shock, “I ... uh... I...” is all you could get out, Kalvin grabbed your hip again and pulled you closer but this time you were face to face, “don’t explain” he said, then at that point you don’t know what took over you but you pushed your lips against his, Kalvin pulled you even closer to him, as his hands were roaming all over you, caressing your face and rubbing your hips, his mouth tasted like mint gum.

The two of you kissed for what felt like forever but was only about 5 minutes, you only pulled apart when you heard what sounded like thunder, only it wasn’t. There were 28 Leeds players banging on the window above you, they started singing “THERES ONLY ONE KALVIN PHILLIPS!!” you hid your face in Kalvins chest and laughed.

I hope you Kalvin Philips fans enjoyed this! I loved writing this.

#kalvin phillips #Kalvin fanfic #phillips #Yorkshire pirlo #fanfic football

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x-lulu · 4 years

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gurl 1-99 I dare you😄

haha no if that's too much just 1, 2, 24, 32, 77, 85, 95

well I finally answered them all babe, took me a week haha 💗

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most? world away by tonight alive, you give love a bad name by bon jovi, amnesia by five seconds of summer, had enough by lower than atlantis, take it out on me by thousand foot krutch, if I could fly by one direction, I just named the first that popped in my head

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? YOU

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17? a wind came in off the harbour, bringing the smell of the sea

4: What do you think about most? I’m an overthinker with anxiety so yeah I think about everything a lot, so I wouldn’t know what I think about most

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? just an okay haha

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on? with, an oversized shirt and underwear

7: What’s your strangest talent? latin maybe?

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence) I don’t know rock? I’m not really the kind of person that puts a gender in things

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you? uhm I don’t think so, now I feel unimportant haha

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? I’m more an using a hairbrush as a microphone kind of girl

11: Do you have any strange phobias? probably, I’m scared of a lot of things

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? don’t think so

13: What’s your religion? officially I’m Christian, I’m a bit searching for what I believe in tho, I do believe in jezus but not like walking on water and coming back from the death, I might believe in the Greek gods and nature gods

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? enjoying the fresh air, going for a walk/ride and look at cute animals

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? behind

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? even if you kill me I don’t know what band to say

17: What was the last lie you told? I lied about not being sad

18: Do you believe in karma? I don’t know, sometimes, but like there are people who’ve done terrible things, where is their karma?

19: What does your URL mean? it’s just my nickname, I didn’t want to make it fandom related because I’m a multi fandom and I didn’t want to have to change my url a lot, I also didn’t want to put my real name because I don’t want people to find me who I know in real life haha

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? my insecurity is my greatest weakness I think, I don’t know my greatest strength... maybe being a person who people feel loved and welcome by? Idk if people feel that way and idk if it’s a strength. If I’m gonna be poetic I have to say my greatest weakness and strength are both that I love someone with my whole heart, when I start loving you, I love you so much, I would do anything for you, but when someone fucks up, I’ll still love them even tho they don’t deserve it, so that comes with a lot of pain so yeah a weakness and a strength

21: Who is your celebrity crush? rudy pankow and dylan obrien

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping? yes

23: How do you vent your anger? I keep everything to myself till I explode and start screaming

24: Do you have a collection of anything? music records, stones and just memories from places I’ve been to

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? neither? If I’m comfortable I do enjoy video chatting especially in times like these where you can’t speak in real life

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become? this is hard one, I’ve never been happy with who I am, I do like me better than who I used to be

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? sound I love is when you’re walking trough the woods just the birds, can’t think of one I hate, I definitely have some they just don’t come to mind rn

28: What’s your biggest “what if”? what if I keep going through and it doesn’t get better

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? yes and yes/maybe

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. my laptop and my pillow

31: Smell the air. What do you smell? flowers

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to? xanten

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast? uhm west coast? Idk haha

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? harry styles is the first one that pops in my head

35: To you, what is the meaning of life? to find love, can be someone something, experience things that make you happy, enjoy it, learn, better the world

36: Define Art. creating something, it can have a meaning but it also can’t, a lot of people give it a deep meaning, which can be it, I just think art doesn’t always have to be deep are spectacular it can be someone making something because they have so much going in their head and they find peace in creating art and get inspired by their own experience, people also can it just do for fun, there are so many different kind of art and artists, I don’t think it can’t be defined

37: Do you believe in luck? I don’t know

38: What’s the weather like right now? rainy

39: What time is it? 9:54 pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? no licence

41: What was the last book you read? a fanfic on Wattpad fight or flight by ffsumth

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline? yes 🙈

43: Do you have any nicknames? lu and lulu obviously, loesje , samantha, pinguïn, polar bear, you called me lulu bear hehe

44: What was the last film you saw? I don’t remember...

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? uhm ive broken a few things, my toes and my arm, but nothing really bad actually

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly? no, I don’t want to, I have seen some really close, they’re beautiful

47: Do you have any obsessions right now? again you haha, but like all the stuff I post on here are my obsessions

48: What’s your sexual orientation? I don’t know, I think straight, but I don’t know for sure

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you? yeah

50: Do you believe in magic? I’m not certain, maybe I do :) I do live by the saying ‘just because you haven’t seen it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist’

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? sadly yes, like I won’t be mean to you or anything, but I will never ever trust you again, if I’m hurt I’m hurt and sadly I haven’t found a way yet to leave it behind, so I’m feeling a lot of pain and I’m never gonna forget that pain, so yeah...

52: What is your astrological sign? capricorn

53: Do you save money or spend it? uhm both? depends on how I feel and what time of the year it is, I have the bad habit to save it for a few months and then spend a lot of it

54: What’s the last thing you purchased? a apple pen so I can start trying digital art

55: Love or lust? love

56: In a relationship? with you hehe

57: How many relationships have you had? none official relationships, I’m just not lovable okay leave me alone haha

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue? no oops

59: Where were you yesterday? home, school, therapy

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? a pillow

61: Are you wearing socks right now? no

62: What’s your favourite animal? polar bears

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? no idea haha, I don’t have one

64: Where is your best friend? at home, like 20min away

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr. this is hard so I’m just gonna name the first five that come in my head @nxsmss @rafej-cambanks @thegreatestofheck @chrlsgillespie @nedleed

66: What is your heritage? I don’t know 🤷‍♀️

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM? sleeping, I had to get up early today

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name? never thought about it

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? no

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? Is it bad to say yes? I mean I hate myself but I do think I’m a good friend

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? save the dog obviously!!!!

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? I think I would tell people, I’m not sure, but like so have people got the time to say goodbye the way they want to, I would travel the world I think, do everything on my bucket list, maybe some illegal stuff 🙈 (where no one gets hurt tho obviously), I don’t think I would be afraid... I mean I’m suicidal, I’ve literally been connected to death my whole life, if you understand what I mean

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love. uhm trust I think? If I would have love but don’t have trust I wouldn’t really feel loved anyway, I do really want to experience how it feels like to be loved tho...

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? the first song that came to mind is love my life by Robbie Williams, I rarely listen to it, but the lyrics really gives a boost of happiness and confidence

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? 51 54

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? loyalty and trust, you don’t have to agree on everything or be interested in the same things, you do have to be there for each other

77: How can I win your heart? YOU ALREADY HAVE

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity? yes I think so

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? to get dogs

80: What size shoes do you wear? uhm 38 eu, 4,5 uk and 7 us

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone? a loving ... I hope to be a loving daughter, friend, wife and mother, someone who was always there for others

82: What is your favourite word? fuck haha, no idk but that is definitely a word I use a lot

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. pain....

84: What is a saying you say a lot? enjoy the little things

85: What’s the last song you listened to? ignorance by paramore

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours? uhm I do love black, I also like pastels and like a turquoise kind of colour

87: What is your current desktop picture? me and my friend

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? no one, there are a lot of people who did wrong, the need to be in jail, but I’m not saying someone deserves to die

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? what goes on in my head, how I’m feeling

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? scream probably haha

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? teleportation, I would travel the world haha

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? when I was in Ireland by the cliffs of moher

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? uhm this is a hard one, maybe seeing my father almost dying? (he is okay btw, we were lucky), I’ve had nightmares and anxiety ever since

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? I find this so weird to say for some reason... if I have to give a name it would be harry styles I think, because damn look at that man, but I don’t know, I would rather be friends with him than sleep with him tbh, I know you can do both haha, but idk I’m not like yes I want to sleep with him haha, I think I’ve read too many fanfics about him that I would find it awkward

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? ice land or canada

96: Do you have any relatives in jail? don’t think so, not close ones anyway

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car? no, I got out in time haha

98: Ever been on a plane? yes, when I went on a trip to georgia in west asia

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? you’re all ignorant assholes haha, no idk what I would say, there are a lot of good people on this world I know, but man there is some fucked up shit, so maybe I would educate some people or it would have something to do with mental health, maybe about loving yourself or that it’s not a sign of weakness and that we should be treated as equals to physical pain, we should be taken seriously... I don’t really know, there are so many things haha

#asks #lara #games

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marshmallowprotection · 4 years

Note

Well, hey, if youre willing to write for it im delighted to request it! If you dont already have an idea in mind, how about snapshots of each rfa member with the rfas unofficially/officially adopted child? Or what each would do if they needed to pick them up from school cause they got sick? I kind of love this whole idea so ive already thought up way too many ways to use it haha, but id be happy with literally anything related to the rfa communally raising a kid

I've written some little blurbs for you, nothing long but something just enough to get a taste of what it might be like. I couldn't decide on a specific kid to use so I'm just going to swap between a boy and a girl for whichever it feels right for.

Yoosung

"Sungie, do you always get to see so many animals?"

"Mmm. Yeah, it's part of my studies. If I wanna be a great Vet someday, I have to learn about all kinds of animals and meet them."

"Really cool! I wouldn't mind if I got to hang out with puppies all day."

"Well… It's not always like that."

"Oh, right, there must be kitties and bunnies too!"

They always chatted like this.

Yoosung spent the time that he did have free with everybody's favorite son. He was often one of the least busy members of the group but only during the afternoons while the others were working. They would waste a lot of time playing games that he enjoyed or LOLOL, which Yoosung liked.

They got along really well. Yoosung had taken to him like a big brother, and while he wasn't entirely sure if he was doing it right, he enjoyed the time they spent together.

He wasn't ever really that close with his big sister, so to have a little buddy to hang out with like this was so different!

He wasn't the youngest person now, so a lot of the words directed towards him were now thrown to the wayside. It made him feel like he was pretty mature!

That wasn't always the case, though.

Video games were an easy way for them to interact and because of that he got a little too invested in them. Of course, just because he was older didn't mean that he always won those games.

The kid took it ten times more seriously than he ever did and he had to actually try to win what they were on. He never really had that issue before without having many people to play against. But, it was like Seven had been tutoring him on how to destroy others.

Today was no different.

"I WIN!" he shrieked as he jumped off of the couch and thrust his hands in the air as Yoosung hung his head in defeat.

"Looks like you win again," he laughed, though still a little embarrassed.

Zen

She was a star, a bright shining star.

All she wanted to do was be the one who made all the sad stuff go away, far, far away from here! It was a dream of hers to be as cool as her family was, and she thought the best way to do that would be to practice for the next party!

She got the idea from Jaehee, cause she always said that Zen could shine so brightly that it made her feel better.

So, who else to ask for tips then Zen?

So, she put on her little show as best as she could for him.

"You're doing great, keep it up out there, princess!" Zen cheered her on as she spun around in circles and circles on end, pretending to perform for the little crowd of plush toys and Zen.

He clapped as she finished up her little routine a few minutes later, with her arms stretched out wide and little chest heaving from all the little motions.

Her eyes twinkle with such joy. It was a blessing to see her look so happy and all she ever wanted to hear was that she was getting better at this.

She puffs out her cheeks when he doesn't say much more, "D'ya like it, Zenny? I can't show everybody else less you think s'good!"

This little girl was an absolute darling to everybody that she came into contact with and it was no surprise given her parent, who had been the kindest soul ever to walk the face of the planet. She never caused any trouble and all she wanted to do was have a little fun every now and again.

Zen wasn't all that great with kids, at least, he never felt like he was. He didn't exactly do a perfect job all the time, but he did try his best when he could.

She had insisted that he sit down and watch her perform this time around. She wanted to show that she could be as dazzling as Zen was, and he would stand to agree that this little girl had a future in talent if she wanted to pursue it.

Even if she was a little bit pitchy with her own rendition of Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.

Zen let out a little laugh. He pressed his hand against the top of her head and ruffled her hair. "It was very good. You'll blow everybody away at the next party for sure, okay? I need to watch out. You're going to give me a run for my money."

Jaehee

The little boy clutched at his locks, clearly frustrated with the paper of homework in front of himself. It just wasn't making any sense to him and he really wanted to just give up and quit it.

He had been trying so hard to do it all on his own so nobody would get worried.

That hadn't worked because Jaehee caught him looking so dejected in the corner of the café.

There was no hiding anything from that woman. She just knew when something was wrong and wouldn't let the subject go when she started talking.

She always got onto him. It wasn't rude or mean though!

She was just looking out for him, he knew. It didn't change the fact it was a little embarrassing.

Jaehee looked over his notes and instead of scolding him for the bad marks, she merely hummed and nodded her head. She pointed out some of the troubling areas for him and tapped the spots.

"So you see, you'll need to do this first before you start doing this part of the question. You're getting ahead of yourself when you're working on these types of problems."

He stared at the paper for a moment with pursed lips, "...Oh. I guess I didn't think about that."

"Why don't we try some together and see where it's confusing, okay?" Jaehee smiled.

He may have felt unsure of himself but he knew that he could trust her judgment at times like this.

Jumin

"You look lovely today… I see you and Elizabeth the 3rd are wearing matching bows."

"Oh, you noticed? I tied them all by myself too!"

"Did you? That's very crafty of you to do so, princess. Elizabeth seems positively pleasant about it. Why, may I ask, did you do it?"

"Oh! Elizabeth and I are having a tea party today. We can't have one without looking cute n' stuff. You think my Mommy would like these?"

"She would. That's her favorite color."

Jumin had never been sure how to act around children. He had never really been a normal child himself, and by the time he figured it out, he was already well grown into an adult. Now, he was really learning how to interact with children.

This little girl had stolen not only his heart but the hearts of everybody she came into contact with over the past few months.

She was bubbly and sweet, never out of line, she had a penchant for cute toys and little accessories, and she liked to make her own things and play pretend.

Most importantly, she was the only person in this world who could get CEO Jumin Han to sit in a small chair and pretend to drink tea.

That's what he was doing right now.

Elizabeth the 3rd was sitting on her own chair as the girl pretended to pour out some tea into her cup with a smile, "You want some more, Elizabeth? Really? Okay, more tea for the lady!"

Once she set it down she glanced over at Jumin with a big grin, "I'm glad you like it too, I tried really hard. I made some for everybody to wear! I made you a purple one!"

And if anybody thought he wouldn't wear a bow in his hair for this kid, they were wrong.

Seven

“I did it! I think I put it together, it works, it really works!“

She always looked at the world with stars in her eyes.

Every new experience was something great to watch happen and it didn’t matter what it was that she was doing or trying out. She always smiled and laughed. It was a great sound, and it had been such a long time since Seven had even heard anything like that.

This little girl was equal parts smart and sweet.

If Seven handed her something to work on, she would devour it and figure out what was wrong or what needed to be fixed within a couple of minutes. Seven let her tinker with some of his old robots. Granted, he didn’t give her anything really complex, but still, she learned fast.

It didn’t always work out, but she never lost her big grin.

He beamed. “Oh? So you did! That’s impressive. Good job! Meowy 2.0 here is looking much more lively, huh?”

She gripped onto the little bot and nodded her head. “Mhm! I wasn’t sure if I was gonna be able to figure it out, but thanks to your help, I got it.”

He couldn’t have been more proud.

Seven didn’t know what it was like to have many older people in your life care for you like this in a way that was more domestic and typical. He never thought that he would ever have to chance to be around kids like this, but it was something that he always wanted to do.

She had stolen his heart, though. He would do anything for the kid.

“That’s right,” Seven nodded. ”You don’t have to do everything alone to figure stuff out. It’s actually better to ask for help when you don’t know what to do next time.”

She was quiet for a moment and grinned. “...Yeah, about that. I was wondering, how hard would it be to add a flamethrower?”

Nobody tell the others about that though.

"Does it matter if I make my sky a different color then blue? Why does it always have to be blue? Is it wrong to do something like that? Can it only be blue…? I don't understand."

"Well, the sky isn't just blue, you know. It can be almost any color you want it to be, it's your drawing to paint so it's your choice what it looks like. Why do you ask?"

He hung his head, not wanting to look V in the eyes. "... Some kids told me I was stupid and wrong. I guess... I’m just not as good as you thought I was."

V frowned. He got to the boy’s level and pressed his hands against his shoulders, "Hey… that's not true at all. I love your sky, that's why we put it up on the fridge."

He had really low self-esteem. It wasn’t something that was always remedied by the fact that he had a support system behind him. For some children, it was hard to connect with others in some capacity.

This boy was always radiant and smiling when he was with the RFA. But, when he was alone or by himself, there were those times when the unease shined through. It wasn’t for a lack of love. Those feelings could affect anyone no matter their life or background.

V hated to see that.

“Are you sure?” he asked, quietly. “I would understand if you didn’t.”

Because he was special, not only to him and the rest of the RFA but to himself as well.

“I’m sure. I would never lie to you. Now, let’s see what we can do about this problem of yours at school, okay?”

Saeran

Saeran was always wary of children.

He always thought of his parents and how badly they had screwed him over as a kid, and his first fear was that he was going to do something as bad as what they did to him to somebody else. That was the last thing that he wanted to do to anyone.

It wasn’t easy for him to build a bond with MC’s little girl, but he did try every now and again. For some reason, the girl really liked him and stuck to him like glue at every chance that she got. It was kind of hilarious to see somebody so bright and cheery reaching out for somebody as dark looking like him.

There were times when she would talk somebody’s ear off, but she would never do that to anyone apart from the people in the RFA. She was often quite shy and anxious. With Saeran, though... she was quiet and didn’t often press him for talk and chats.

She seemed to understand that he really wasn’t much of a guy for chatting, and they both could just hang out without worrying about anything. Today was a little different though.

He had walked in the room that she was sitting in, and noticed that she was crying. His body stiffened, and he felt rather uncomfortable. He knew that he could have directed somebody else to the situation but at the same time, he didn’t think he could make himself do that.

He had been in that position too many times as a kid and nobody was there for him. Against the dread in his gut, he sat down next to her and didn’t say anything at first. She was clearly looking over at him.

“S-Saeran?”

“...Mmm.”

“I wasn’t... cryin’... just got dust in my eyes.”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want too,” he said, quietly. “I just figured you would feel better if you had some company.“

“...Thank you.”

#anon #ask #mod kait #prompt #mystic messenger #mysme #saeran choi #saeyoung choi #jumin han #hyun ryu #jaehee kang #yoosung kim #jihyun kim

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lgbtyrus · 5 years

Text

Three Fish and a Malfunction

First place price of my fanfic giveaway for @lilaaugenringe ! She wanted a fanfic of TJ and Cyrus at the fair :) This is a post bench scene fic where they’re not boyfriends or haven’t kissed yet.

Words: 3,122

It had been about a month since TJ and Cyrus held hands on the night of Andi’s party. Nothing was really official yet, though. It kind of made Cyrus nervous because he didn’t know exactly how serious TJ was about him or if he was even serious at all. He did hold his hand every waking chance that he got and listen to him talk about his day every day. It felt unreal that he got to talk to the boy he had been crushing on for months, knowing that he liked him, too.

He just couldn’t call him boyfriend or anything. He was honestly just scared they were going to end up in another Jonah and Andi situation, and it was all going to fall over.

Cyrus was laying in his bed, about to fall asleep when his phone went off. He checked it and saw it was a message from the group chat. Not only did it have the GHC, but it also had Marty, TJ, and Jonah.

Buffy: Me and Marty were thinking about going to the fair tomorrow and thought it’d be more fun as a group. You guy’s down?

Marty: come thruuu

Andi: What time?

Buffy: 1?

Andi: sure sounds fun :)

Jonah: down

Cyrus didn’t really want to go. He had nothing but bad experiences at the fair. He didn’t want to have to admit to TJ he was afraid of most of the things at the fair and would probably throw up. But at the same time, he wanted an excuse to spend time with TJ and the rest of the crew before summer started wrapping up.

Cyrus: see ya’ll there

TJ: same here

Buffy: this feels fake. Making plans with a friend group this large should not be this easy

Andi: we’re not 20 yet

Cyrus slid out of the group chat and went to go message TJ privately as the rest of them went off on a tangent about growing old.

Cyrus: just so you know, I’m afraid of basically everything at the carnival

TJ: its okay cy. We can just stay low and play some games and share a pretzel or whatever

Cyrus: I mean, I can get on rides if you want. Just not more than three unless the we want the pretzel to come back up

Cyrus: we don’t

TJ: gjhsfjkghs don’t worry cyrus we don’t have to go on anything you find scary

TJ: unless

Cyrus: oh no

TJ: you want to get some carnival rides off your list of things you can’t do

Cyrus: i really put some carnival rides on there?

TJ: just three. We can do one or two if doing three gets too much.

Cyrus: what rides did I put on that cursed list

TJ: you put down the hammer, the haunted tunnel, and the mirror maze???

Cyrus: I think I have a repressed memory in the mirror maze bc I literally can’t remember why ive never gone in there and I guess we can do the haunted tunnel if you hold my hand

TJ: deal :)

TJ: shouldn’t you be asleep???

Cyrus: yah

TJ: goodnight cyrus <3

Cyrus: goodnight teej <3

Cyrus woke up and remembered his plans for the day. He felt like he was going to throw up the breakfast he hadn’t eaten yet. He sighed and got up to get ready for the day. He quickly checked his phone and saw that there was 206 unread messages in the group chat. It must’ve been a boring night compared to their usual 800. Then again, he wasn’t up to double text.

It was a few hours before TJ and his mom picked him up. It was a nice car ride. TJ’s mom didn’t know that TJ was gay, but Cyrus had a gut feeling that she knew something was up between them. She didn’t really treat him differently, but she had that look mothers had in their eye when they knew something was up.

That's the way Cyrus mom looked at him when he first started bringing TJ around. She sort of knew, but she didn't say anything. Cyrus kind of hoped she would say anything else besides, "I like that TJ kid." But she didn't, so he did. It wasn't as hard as he thought it would be. He knew his parents loved him, so he doesn't know why he was so scared, but he still was.

It was like being with TJ. He knew TJ liked him, so he didn't know why he was scared.

TJ and Cyrus entered the fair and sat at the bench that the others would show up. They started holding hands the minute TJ's mom drove away. It was nice. Summer wasn't overbearing, and TJ looked nice in his stripped navy blue T-Shirt and tanned skin. Cyrus couldn't help but stare for a little.

"See something you like?" TJ smirked, leaning back on the bench and pretending to do a hair flip.

Cyrus rolled his eyes and said, "Yeah. That piece of gum stuck on this bench seems pretty appetizing." TJ immediately looked around and saw the piece of gum stick between them on the bench.

"Gross," TJ shook his head.

"Hey, guys," Jonah showed up smiling. The boys greeted him as they saw the rest of them walk up behind him.

"You guys ready to go?" Buffy grinned, holding hands with Marty who was staring at her the same way Cyrus was staring at TJ.

"Yeah," TJ nodded, "let's go throw up."

"I'd rather not," Andi laughed as TJ and Cyrus stood up. They walked around as a group, looking at carnival games. It was fun watching Buffy and Marty get competitive and end up with too many stuffed animals in less than an hour. They had to hand some out to some little kids walking by.

TJ pulled Cyrus to the side and won him a stuffed frog in a basketball game. Cyrus could've taken the extremely big stuffed animal, but the smaller frog had a tight lip "smile" that reminded him of TJ.

"Thanks," Cyrus smiled, looking up at the taller boy.

"It's nothing," TJ laughed, putting his arm around him. "Let's go find the rest before we get lost." Cyrus and TJ caught up to Andi and Jonah who were trying to get a fish.

"Where are Buffy and Marty?" Cyrus asked as Andi tossed a ball into a fish bowl. It went to the side.

"In the mirror maze," she pointed in a different direction. "I'm trying to help Jonah win a fish."

"It's the only pet the apartment lets us have, so," Jonah shrugged before tossing another ping pong ball.

"Want to do the mirror maze?" TJ raised his eyebrows at Cyrus. Cyrus agreed without hesitation and walked over with him. They didn't have to wait in line and walked right in.

"Why did you put this in the list?" TJ asked him as they held hands through the thing.

"I have no idea?" Cyrus laughed. "Maybe it was about my self-esteem. You can only look at yourself for so long before you start to think that you're ugly."

"Well, you're not," TJ said, squeezing his hand tighter as they went through a corner. Cyrus looked in the mirror ahead and saw that TJ was softly smiling. "You're actually really cute."

Cyrus expressed a content smile as he continued following TJ through the rest of the maze.

"You're cute, too, TJ," Cyrus finally told him after a few seconds of silence. "A lot cuter than a piece of gum."

TJ burst out laughing, "Gee, thanks, Cyrus," he turned back for a second to smirk at him. "My self esteem is through the roof right now."

"I do what I can," Cyrus smiled. They continued walking, the mirrors getting blurrier and some having distorted vision.

"Do you hear that?" TJ asked him. "I think Buffy and Marty are ahead." Cyrus listened and like TJ said, Buffy and Marty were laughing up ahead. They followed their laughter and found them at the exit of the maze where they were laughing at their funky appearances. Buffy turned to them and waved.

"Come take a picture with us," she laughed, "this is gold." The boys approached them and posed for a few photos for Buffy before they all walked out. They went to go look for Andi and Jonah who were sitting at a bench, three goldfish in their laps. "Oh my gosh," Buffy ran up to them. "Why did you get so many?"

"How did you get so many?" Marty asked, standing right behind Buffy.

"I felt bad only having one alone, and I ended up with three," Jonah shrugged. "I already named them Baby Tator, Tator-Tot, and the Patoto Famine."

"One is not like the others," Cyrus said, at they all laughed at Jonah's names.

"It's kind of like the others," Jonah said.

"How are you going to get on rides if you have fish now?" Marty asked him.

"I was going to wait, but I already have an upset stomach from the hot dog smell, and I'd rather not," Jonah smiled.

"Are you sure?" Buffy asked. "We're going on the hammer next?"

"Cyrus can take my place," Jonah smiled. "I'll take care of your guy's things."

Buffy smiled excitedly at Cyrus, "You want to go on the hammer?" Before Cyrus could say anything, she dragged him by the arm away.

"Buffy," Cyrus gasped, "I haven't even agreed yet."

"That's why we're going before you change your mind!"

"Your logic has a lot of faults in it!" Cyrus said as she stopped at the line. Cyrus looked up at the tall ride going as people screamed their lungs out. He looked to the side and saw a girl throwing up in a garbage can. He winced. TJ, Marty, and Andi showed up after a few minutes. Cyrus held TJ's hand very tightly. "I can't believe I'm doing this."

"I believe in you," TJ told him, "it'll be fun."

"You agreed to hold my hand the entire time and if I'm scared enough to suddenly become strong and break your hand, I'm sorry." TJ chuckled.

"It's going to be fine, Cyrus," TJ reassured him, "I promise." The line got shorter and shorter, and Cyrus felt his heart shrink every second. Next thing he knew, he was strapped in and screaming.

"The ride hasn't started, Cyrus," TJ laughed, reaching over to hold his hand. "It'll before over before you know it." Within a few seconds, the ride was on and Cyrus was screaming his lungs off along with TJ. But it wasn't horrible. He started having fun after a few moments after the initial terror. He smiled that he could finally enjoy rides like these with his friends instead of staying back every time.

When he got off, everyone was looking at him.

"Well," Andi grinned, pieces of hair sticking out of her headband, "did you like it?"

"Yeah," Cyrus smiled, "I actually did." The rest of his friends cheered on before walking out to the busy fair to look for something else.

"I promised you that it would be fine," TJ told him, putting his arm around him as they walked.

"It's now noted that you keep your promises," Cyrus told him with a huge smile. His heart was beating extremely fast and both the closeness to TJ and the fair ride had made him sweat. But he didn’t really care. He was really comfortable around TJ.

“So,” TJ said to him, “ready for the tunnel of horror?” Buffy quickly turned around to look at them happily.

“Cyrus!” she gasped. “You want to go on the Tunnel of Horror?”

“Can I say yes this time?” Cyrus raised and eyebrow at her as she jumped back and forth on her heels.

“I guess,” she said, waving her arms around.

“Ye-“ before Cyrus could finish, Buffy was already dragging him to the next ride like she had for the first one. “Do you even know where it is?”

“I know everything,” she said like it was a fact. Cyrus felt content as he heard the rest of his friends trail behind them. TJ and Marty were talking and Jonah caught up to them with his arms full of fish. It was a good day to try new things.

They got to the short line for the tunnel of horror. “I think we’ll be able to go on by the next set of cars,” TJ said as he stood next to Cyrus, holding his hand once again.

“I heard it kind of sucks this year, so it shouldn’t be too scary for Cyrus,” Buffy nudged him. “If not, I wouldn’t bring him in. The last two years have been horrifying.”

“Are you just trying to make me feel better?” Cyrus asked.

Buffy raised her arms up in defense, “The line is short for a reason.” The next set of carts showed up individually every 30 seconds, each one holding two people. First, Marty and Buffy got on one and disappeared into the tunnel. Next, Andi, Jonah, and Jonah’s three kids got on. Finally, TJ helped Cyrus onto the cart and they pulled the bar down to lock themselves.

The car started moving and Cyrus and TJ were being pulled into the dark tunnel, creepy music playing instantly. A fake door shut behind them loudly as they were in, hiding the last ounces of daylight. One hand on the bar, Cyrus used the other one to hold TJ’s hand.

“How long is this ride?” Cyrus asked TJ right before getting startled by a monster jumping in then out.

TJ strained to hold back his laughter as he said, “Maybe five to ten minutes? Why?”

“I am not having fun in this dark space,” Cyrus said, holding his hand tighter, jumping once more as a fake witch laughed behind him.

“It’s okay, Cyrus,” TJ said. “None of this is real. We’ll be out before you know it.”

Then the ride stopped. Cyrus and TJ looked at each other, barely able to see anything in the dark. Then the music stopped, and the lights turned on. Cyrus knew he looked terrified. He felt stuffed in the cart even if they had so much room. He looked around the tunnel and saw all the fake monsters and lanterns strewn around, the fake bats on the ceiling. A little bit ahead, there was a projection of a wolf howling at the moon. Then he looked at TJ who wasn’t saying anything either.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” someone said over the intercom, “there has been a failure in the system, and we are getting mechanics on the grounds immediately. Both of the main doors can’t open at the moment so please remain in your seats until further notice to avoid getting harmed. If this takes more than hour, we will call 911.”

Cyrus was sweating now. A lot. The tunnel felt like it was radiating nothing but heat, and he pulled his hand away from TJ’s in embarrassment. But in a few seconds, he wanted it back. He wasn’t sure what was going on in his head anymore. He looked forward and saw the projection of the wolf howling. Over and over and over again. And again. And again. And he looked up at the fake bats. They started looking fuzzier, they had eyes now. Cyrus was sweating anymore. Then he realized TJ had been talking to him the entire time. TJ had his arm around him and was squeezing his hand

“Hey, Cyrus. Cyrus. Talk to me? Cyrus? Are you okay?” TJ nervously talked to him. He also seemed shaken up. “I need you to take a few deep breaths for me, okay? Cyrus? Nod. Can you nod so I know you’re listening?” Cyrus nodded. TJ sighed in relief, “Okay, Cy. Let’s take a deep breath in.” Cyrus breathed in. “Now out.” Cyrus exhaled. They did that a few times. “Good job, Cyrus,” TJ said as Cyrus rested his head on his shoulder.

Things felt fine now.

“Are you feeling better?” TJ asked him. Cyrus weakly nodded. “Just think of good things. Your family, friends, music, the spoon, baby tators… the patato famine,”

“People died, Thelonious,” Cyrus whispered, cracking a tiny smile and making TJ let out a small snort. That made Cyrus laugh himself. “Did you just snort,” Cyrus sat up to look at him. TJ was blushing, hiding his face with the back of his hand. “That was cute.” TJ put his hand down after a while.

“Well,” TJ sat back, “I didn’t promise that we’d be out in a little bit.”

“I think I’d rather go on the hammer again,” Cyrus sighed, looking at him closely. TJ turned to look at the brown eyed boy and smile.

“I like that you liked the other one more. It’s funny,” TJ said, reaching over to brush some hair out of Cyrus’ forehead.

“Why?” Cyrus said, leaning his head into TJ’s hand.

“Just is,” TJ was whispering now, looking between Cyrus’ eyes and his lips. “Can I kiss you?” Cyrus’ heart could have not beat faster any other time in his life. He nodded and leaned into TJ who had already found his lips with his own.

So kissing is supposed to feel like a bunch of stars Cyrus thought to himself.

When they pulled away, Cyrus’ nose was touching TJ’s, and he asked him, “What are we TJ?”

“I was just waiting for the moment, actually,” TJ have him a smile, giving him another small his before saying, “I think now is an alright time to ask you to be my boyfriend.” Cyrus nodded happily, kissing him again.

The two boys were in the tunnel for about forty minutes, laughing and talking about a lot of cheesy things, before the wagons started moving again. Only, the lights stayed on as they heard over the intercom, “Thank you for waiting. We are sorry for the inconvenience. All riders will be taken off immediately as the ride is going to be shut down for the day.”

The group met outside, TJ and Cyrus being the last ones to get off.

“You guys alright?” Andi asked them as they approached them.

“All good,” Cyrus nodded, smiling widely.

“Too good,” Buffy smirked, “dish it out.” TJ and Cyrus blushed, wondering how she figured it out so fast.

“Uh,” Cyrus said nervously, “I guess we’re boyfriend and boyfriend now.” The entire group let out of loud cheers and tackled them both into a group hug, making Cyrus’ heart feel full of love. Maybe fairs weren’t so bad after all. You just needed the right group of people. The right person. TJ was his person.

#stars writing #Andi Mack #tyrus #tj kippen #cyrus goodman

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hazzabeeforlou · 4 years

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Well, it’s four years to the day. Anyone interested in an anniversary ramble, it’s below <3

When I’d woken up from the first surgery two days earlier, it was kinda like existing in another plane; I couldn’t open my eyes or breathe because it felt like knives were slicing into my lungs. The nurse asked me “should I try giving you morphine?” and I said no, because she’d informed me they already had given me three IVs of Percocet, and I, even in my blind teeth-chattering state, was worried about an overdose. So that’s how my week four years ago started, and it culminated in a second emergency surgery that removed a twins-sized cyst and left me with a huge scar and chronic pain. All that badness to say, there was a point in that first year (many points, honestly) where I wished I had died on that operating table, where I honestly thought life could offer no fulfillment or fun or happiness anymore. My career was shattered, my body useless, my mind suffering from trauma (I learned later this is why I stuttered afterwards, and forgot words, and couldn’t remember names or read music easily for over six months). It was in this fragile state that I found Harry, and his music. You’ve all heard that story.

Near-death experiences really mess with your mind and your perception of the world. More perhaps when they’re ‘fated’ things. I’m a bit of a witch, I guess, and I’d had this feeling since I was little that I would die young. I couldn’t explain it, I just knew. So I never made plans for a wedding or dreamed of a house or... idk, just anything future like that. When the cyst happened it felt inevitable. This thing was a flaw in my genetic makeup that, save for modern medicine, would have killed me, was killing me, slowly crushing my vital organs and my lungs. It was another year or so later, after I’d joined the fandom proper, that I realized the coincidence, but I was still so fragile then that it felt like fate all over again, and I felt so fucking guilty, so wretched to have survived, when I found out that the same day doctors gave me another chance at life, they told Jay hers would end. In fandoms like this people often cling to little things that tie them to their idols and make them feel closer, and I was no exception, but this proved too much. I remember absolutely sobbing about being alive and doing nothing useful with my life when Louis’ mum was gone, when all those babies have to grow up without her. Guilt led to this weirdly obsessive drive to do do do, to make, to create, to not waste another chance at living. All my creativity these past four years, from fic to music to art, is some kind of attempt at making myself worth it. Constantly there’s this pressure to not idly spend time; a ticking clock might as well live in my scull.

When my musician friends ask why I’m so chill about auditions, why I don’t deflate like a flower at rejection anymore, I want to scream because it’s not going to kill me, because I know how lucky I am to even be here now, because this no longer is the worst that can happen to me. A few days ago I had another ultrasound to see if the one remaining ovary is acting up, and I’ll know soon. It has started to before... it’s going to be one of those life-long things. A year ago I had two CTs because the scar tissue caused problems with my intestines, and in future could crimp them up. These are things at the back of my mind every day, the foundation of my house of cards.

BUT. And here’s why I wrote this. I have lived so much life in four years. Life that, despite the pain, was worth it. Not only have I found joy in this fandom and in the boys’ music, and in writing fic and doing fan art and reading SO many beautiful love stories from you all, but I’ve found my sister and niece and nephews, I’ve loved the cutest bunny, I’ve kissed a girl (okay, more than kissed) I’ve realized and embraced that I am QUEER? I’ve written a nearly 100k novel? I’ve played so many BEAUTIFUL exciting concerts? I’ve planted beautiful flowers and taken incredible hikes and seen mountains and rivers in the glow of sunset and I’ve sat around musky fires that warmed the chill air and I’ve cheered for movies and laughed at hilarious group chats and read soul-stirring books and eaten delicious meals... and I’ve come out as a liberal to all my family and friends (which is the only coming out I’ll do for a while but still a BIG thing) and gotten a tattoo (thank you Phoenix) and immersed myself in crystals and energy healing and witchy things and MOST importantly, I’ve made so so many wonderful friends, in person and here. And it’s interesting to reflect on the different roles both Harry and Louis have played in my dealing with guilt and grief and hopelessness; and to once again realize just how important they've been in my life and in the lives of so many others who have found universal comfort and belonging under their wings.

So what I’m saying is, no matter the pain you find yourself in, no matter the little voices that say it’s not worth it, I’m here to tell you that it IS. And not just for other people, don’t just stay because they would miss you, stay because there is beauty and goodness out there. Happiness is the mountain peak we’re all told to climb towards, as if you can achieve this state of contentment that lasts forever. That’s unrealistic. There will be days that suck and weeks that seem endless. But amidst all that there will be joy, and that’s what makes life worth living. Love you all, Toni

#personal #four years today #thank you all endlessly for your love #it really does mean so much

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frccdomfell · 4 years

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So, this is only a little over 1600 words... I have a lot of people to thank. I’ve had Stevie boy here for five months, but I’ve been around Tumblr rp for a long time and thought I’d take this opportunity to thank those of you that have been such lights this year. This year has been extremely hard for me for a number of reasons I won’t get into in this happy post! So, this is for those who were there for me this year:

My Main Peeps:

@liftingxrocks : firstly, i have to thank my incredible fiance. you were here every step of the way this year and it has made all the difference. i couldn’t have gotten through it without you and i’m so goddamn lucky i get to call you mine. proposing to you was easily the best thing i’ve ever done and when you said yes was the single best moment of my life. we met through rp and I love every character you try your hand at. thanks for being such a light in my life, babygirl. i love you.

@bytheanchor : b! you total fucking nerd. god, you’re the best! i’m so glad to call you my friend and you’re definitely one of my best online friends. you never fail to be positive and brighten my day. you’re so kind and encouraging. we talk practically every day. those two weeks you went away were SO BORING! i love all your characters so much, you know that. writing with you is easily one of my favourite past times. you are always just as excited and willing to write stuff as i am and i love it. thank you for being such an amazing friend.

@spitefulandspectacular : i mean you never check your tumblr notifications, but i don’t care. you were so important this year so you get a spot on the list. man, you were such a great roommate. we each had our things, but honestly i’m so happy my first real roommate was such a quality person. i miss ya like hell and can’t wait to see you real soon hopefully. thanks for being such a great friend and taking care of our boy. you’re a gem.

@mangohub : monroe, what can i even say? you’re such an incredible friend and i’m so thankful for you. anytime i’m dealing with anything you’re right there for me, ready to listen. i don’t think i’ve met a better writer in my entire life, no joke. i love your alec more than life itself and writing with you is always such a fulfilling experience. even jut plotting with you is so much goddamn fun. you’re such a bright and loving person. thanks for being one of the good things about my 2019.

@warricrsbcw : my mollee. hey hun. i just want to thank you for being such a stand up friend since we reconnected. you’ve been there for me every single time i’ve needed it and i hope i’ve been able to do the same. you’re such a sweet person and you deserve all the nice things. not to mention that i love your alec to hell and back! magnus would go to the ends of the earth for that boy.

@lcdgerbled : hayley, you are so awesome! I’m so lucky that when i left my magnus blog i was able to take you with me in a way. you’re such an insanely talented writer and an even better friend. you’ve been so great and always there if i need anyone to talk to about my ED. your natasha is perfect! steve adores her with his entire heart and wants to buy a place in a new york and have ten kids with her lol. thanks so much for making this year a little more bearable.

New Friends:

@divabarnes : so, you were actually the reason i remade my steve into a blog. he was just available on discord but you reignited my love for him. your bucky sparked my steve back to life and i can’t thank you enough. i love him so much. your writing is so in character and makes my jaw drop every time. i love writing with you (even though im slow and trash). thanks for everything you didn’t even know you did.

@ivorysatin : i know we haven’t known each other a super long time but i absolutely adore you! you’ve been so kind and friendly and you’re writing is PHENOMENAL! your magnus, anna and blair! i’m so in love with all your threads and verses. every time i see your blair i’m so tempted to remake my charles so you need to STOP! but, seriously, you’re such a friendly bean, thanks!

@semiistable : hello friend! so i know we literally just met like four days ago, but in that time i have totally fallen in love with your writing and you so freaking nice and chill. my steve is head over heels for your bucky, and writing with you never fails to make me smile. i hope we continue to be friends for a long time.

@mischieftomake : bonjour jas! so i’ve been dying to write a loki/steve pairing for so long but could never find anyone that clicked with my steve. and, i’m so lucky that the one who did also has such a phenomenal mun! you’re so much fun to plot with and to play around with what we want to do. i’m loving our soulmate verses so much! i hope we continue to become close in the new year!

@tcnystcrrk : thank you thank you thank you! i’m so happy we met and i feel so lucky to get to write with you. my steve just gravitates to your tony. you’re actually the only tony i’m properly active with. i just love plotting and writing with you. you’ve been so kind and excited and it’s made me so happy. i hope to write loads with you both ic and ooc in the new year. stay frosty.

@heyqxeens : beep boop. we don’t write a lot, and that’s mostly because i’ve been hella busy and whatnot. but, i love your peter. even without writing with you i’ve been heavily enjoying reading your other threads. honestly just the fact that you're on my dash makes a huge difference in my tumblr experience. also, we still need to do that thread where they both work at the bugle lol. hope your new year is full of fun.

@hcpefell : nyxie. again, i’ve been bad at keeping up bc life is super hectic right now but thank you so much for being part of the harder part of this year. the second half really took a lot out of me and meeting and writing with you really helped! i love how you write gwen and steve adores her. thank you so much!

Honorable Mentions: (a.k.a. those i stalk)

@stolenparticles : so hi! i’ve been following you since even before i had steve i believe. even when i never thought we’d write together (bc of the vastly different fandoms) i still needed to follow you. cassie is such an interesting and complex character and i love to see someone taking her and just running with it. i love to read all your threads on the dash, it’s always such a good time.

@stormweathered : we’ve chatted here and there, but i low key am IN LOVE with your characterization. your thor is so beautiful and on point! i read all of your answered memes when they show up because your writing is just so impressive. one day i’ll stop being a potato and actually get to work on saying a proper hello.

@kendolled : SOOOOO... i lowkey stalk your blog daily! you’re right up there with @ivorysatin making me want to remake charles. every single time i read your replies alli can see is mr. archibald. i swear, you encompass him so well. ive been rewatching gossip girl for the past seven months or so (bc im slow and easily distracted) and trust me when i say your nate is spot on! i read literally almost everything you post because it’s so perfect!

@spidaeyaunt : so i lowkey adore you. all the love and devotion you put into may is inspiring. i love reading your headcanons and i adore your threads with tonys and peters. but i think the big reason i follow you is your personality. i love seeing your ooc posts on the dash and your tags always make me laugh! keep it up, you cool cat.

@exposestruth & @smallvxlle : i grouped you together because i found you through each other. smallville was such a huge and important part of me growing up. it will forever be one of my top three shows. having both of you bring these characters to life has meant everything. makes me totally miss my ollie every time i read your individual threads. plus all the smallville gifsets on my dash make me SO HAPPY!

@moqul : omg! your cat is FLAWLESS! i love reading your headcanons and your tags are always so freaking hilarious! i laugh so much whenever you’re on the dash and it’s something i value so much. i love supergirl so much, i played kara for a while and i still play barry (since hes a cw super) and your cat is just perfect. i don’t think anyone else could do her the kind of justice you do.

@hakune : OH MY GOD!! your steve *holds chest* I just love him so much. you write so well and your passion for our boy comes through so clearly. i love reading your threads and just watching you interact on the dash is a blast. keep up the good work, fellow steve.

@madebythejungle : you are so fucking talented, wtf? to take such a cool and interesting character and just explode him into life is so impressive. i love reading your stuff whenever i come across it on the dash. one day i’ll get up the courage to actually come say hi, but until then have this little thank you. thank you for making my dash that much better.

#°♡° magnus bane owns my soul | ooc #°♡° i know this neighborhood | save #thank you all so much #(i didnt proofread it but what else is new?)

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vacuousauto · 4 years

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📃🎥🏳‍🌈

tysm for tha ask molli!! ill talk abt kny here bc its takin over my life rn qwq

spoilers ahead 4 tha whole series!!

📃 what is the plot of your hyperfixation? and is it a movie, game, show, etc?

kny is a manga w an anime adaptation thats had 1 season so far n a movies bein made of my fav arc!! (also this plot desc may not b perfect bc i havent read it in like 4 months)

its abt a boy called tanjirou whos whole family got killed by a demon, n his sister nezuko got turned into a demon (which fun fact: in kimetsu theyre man-eatin creatures w different powers called blood demon arts!!)

hes sent by giyuu (a demon slayer!) 2 join tha demon slayer corps so hell become stronger n mayb get a little revenge. as a treat (and also mayb find a way 2 turn nezuko human?)

as he trains he learns how 2 do water breathing (a sword technique taught by him n giyuus mentor, urokodaki) n his final challenge is 2 cut a massive boulder in half w his sword

its real hard 4 him (as u can imagine) so 2 kids in fox masks named sabito n makomo come n help him, but after tanjirou cuts tha rock n tells urokodaki abt him its revealed theyre dead???

@ final selection (basically a demon slayer entrance exam where u win by surviving on a demon-infested mountain 4 seven days) he learns from a real fucked up demon that hes exclusively been targetin urokodakis students n that not even sabito could slice its neck open?? (thats how him n makomo died)

after tanjirou kills tha demon n basically puts all tha water breath students’ souls @ peace he passes tha exam!! its been 7 days n now he gets his nichirin blade (the only kinda sword that can kill a demon, tha only 2 ways they can die is thru a slice 2 tha neck from a nichirin blade n sunlight)

turns out nezuko was turned by the strongest demon of all, michael jackson muzan kibutsuji, n so he sets out 2 hunt him down n try 2 kill him

but he aint so strong @ first so he needs 2 try 2 take down tha twelve kizuki first (the 12 strongest demons besides muzan)

another reason he needs 2 kill tha kizuki is 2 gather their blood for a demon named tamayo n her assistant yushirou!! tamayo can make a cure if tanjirou can gather blood samples 4 her (the stronger tha demon tha more of muzans blood they have so hes gonna have 2 aim high)

he meets a bunch more slayers along tha way, includin zenitsu (a scaredy cat thunder breath user who basically simps 4 nezuko n becomes a badass when hes asleep) n inosuke (a rowdy beast breath user who wears a boar mask n lived in tha mountains)

after lower moon 5 gets killed by giyuu, nezuko unlocks her blood demon art (exploding blood!) n tanjirou remembers how 2 use tha hinokami kagura, him n nezuko get captured by a slayer called shinobu qwq

turns out she n giyuu are 2 of the nine hashira, the strongest of all tha demon slayers!! but theyre all havin a debate over whether they should kill tanjirou n nezuko 4 goin against corps rules n travelin w a demon

eventually oyakata-sama (tha leader of tha slayer corps) comes in n tells em its ok, urokodaki sent a letter explainin that nezukos never hurt anyone n if she does, tanjirou giyuu n urokodaki all have 2 die basically

oyakata-sama also tells em that tanjirous met kibutsuji, at which everyone goes feral at (and understandably, none of em had ever even seen him before hes that elusive)

so they get 2 live bc theyre like. tha best hope the slayers have @ findin kibutsuji

the rest of the hashira are kyoujurou (flame), muichirou (mist), mitsuri (love), obanai (serpent), gyoumei (stone), tengen (sound) n sanemi (wind)

theres also kanao (shinobus pupil, flower breathing) n genya (sanemis brother, eats demons 2 gain power n basically become a demon temporarily, also He Has A Gun)

ive gone on a lot here so ill try 2 keep it brief now but i HAVE 2 explain infinity train or ill die (slight suicide tw but no one actually does that outside of dreams)

BASICALLY the lower 6 moons have a meetin @ kibutsujis infinity castle, muzan decides 2 dismantle tha lower moons bc they keep fuckign dying

all of em get their shit wrecked except enmu, who avoided death by usin muzans “dont tell me what 2 do” rule against him n beggin 4 death basically

so he gets a metric fuckton o blood n goes off 2 kill tanjirou

turns out he keeps killin people on his train n kyos gone 2 investigate!! the main gang (the kamaboko gang as the fandom calls it) are there too bc tanjirou needs 2 investigate what hinokami kagura really is (turns out its sun breathing, the og form and ones that only folks w the same mark on his forehead can use) n if anyone knows abt the alleged “fire breathing” as they know it rn its the fire hashira!!

so they get on tha train (inosukes lovin tha experience bc hes Literally Never Seen A Train Before) n kyo basically adopts the whole group

they take some tickets n promptly fall asleep HERES WHERE ENMUS DEMON ART COMES INTO PLAY!!! DREAM MANIPULATION BABEYYY

BASICALLY he can make people fall asleep in a buncha ways (the mouths on his hands, his weird eye thingies, the tickets) n once thats happened he n his henchmen can access said dreams (he can even control em!!) n if they find tha “spiritual core” they can destroy it n essentially leave em as an empty shell thatll never wake up!! yaaaaaay /s

he fails bc tanjirou realises a way out n its by cuttin his own head off in his dream, eventually everyones awake again n tanjirou finds enmu on tha roof(?) of tha train

after a while he does manage 2 decapitate him but surprise!!! hes not dead

turns out he literally FUSED WITH THA TRAIN n is plannin on eatin everyone inside, includin kyo n the gang

but he doesnt bc Main Protags Cant Die(tm) n dies while complainin that he wants a redo (sorry enmu, ily but u cant turn back time unless ur yoshikage kira)

also sidenote enmus tha only kizuki w/o a canon backstory as far as i can remember and????? H??

ANYWHO after that whole debacle basketball akaza (UPPER moon 3) shows himself!!! FUCK

n after all that struggle against the 8th strongest demon of all time now they gotta deal w tha 4th strongest????? damn,

so yeah it goes how youd imagine, its a tough fuckin battle n its Not Fun but it turns out kyoujurou fucking dies n i genuinely didnt realise until he said “kamado my boy, lets have one final chat” bc i was so in denial n lets face it i still am now

long story short idk how im gonna manage 2 get thru the movie w/o breakin down @ the end

anyway after that horrible horrible time tanjirou goes n meets senjurou, kyos little bro, who gives him kyos sword guard thing (its shaped like a flame!!) n i havent read it in a while so i cant FULLY remember but i think this is where he learns abt sun breathing??

after that they end up goin on a mission in tha red light district w tengen, his 3 wives are there 2 serve as spies (theyre kunoichi, which i think are ninjas of some kind??) n the boys have 2 find em

they do manage 2 find em but not after runnin into upper moon 6, who are 2 twins called daki n gyuutarou

after that fight tengen has 2 retire bc he got fucked up p bad from that fight n he wants 2 make sure tha girls are ok above all

so after that arc tanjirou n nezuko go down 2 tha swordsmith village (bc the guy who usually makes his swords is fuckin tired of repairin it) n run into mitsuri!! she tells tan that theres smth in tha forest thatll make him stronger

ngl this is tha arc i remember tha least abt so this desc is prolly SO inaccurate despite havin 2 o my favs in it)

but muichirou shows himself too n hes mean 2 tanjirou >:/ (he does get nicer eventually but 2 him specifically)

a 10 y/o kid named kotetsu shows tan this 6 armed trainin robot called yoriichi type 0 (based on tha first slayer 2 use sun breathin) n tanjirou breaks it by accident qwq

but he keeps trainin thanks 2 kotetsu but tha kids a harsh fuckin trainer ill tell u that

anyway so we have a whole buncha demons 2 deal w here except most of em are 1 demon split into different parts

hantengu n gyokko, upper moons 4 n 5 respectively!! mui deals w gyokko while mitsuri genya nezuko n tanjirou deal w hantengu

in these fights mitsuri n mui get their demon slayer marks!! these are marks that they get when they surpass the limits of tha human body n they look like tha marks demons have (muis looks like clouds on his cheeks n mitsuris is 2 hearts on her collarbone)

next up is tha hashira trainin arc!! everyone gets trained by each of tha hashira 2 try n unlock their slayer marks

each have a dif trainin style that focuses on dif stuff (for example gyoumei focuses a lot on physical strength n stuff like that, obanai is more abt accuracy) n this is where giyuus backstory gets revealed bc he doesnt think hes worthy o bein a hashira :((

basically him n sabito were absolute besties!! they both trained together n sabito basically told him not 2 die ever

but it all goes wrong @ final selection- sabito manages 2 take down every demon on tha mountain but one of em, that bein the hand demon that exclusively targets water breathers (theyre easy 2 distinguish bc of their blue haoris n custom made fox masks)

he manages 2 save giyuu n everyone else from tha selection except 4 himself (this is why giyuus haori is like that- its made from his sister n sabitos haoris)

giyuu blames himself 4 both of their deaths bc he failed 2 protect em n says that he doesnt deserve 2 have passed tha selection let alone b a hashira,, but tanjirou convinces him otherwise!! ^^

then one day while giyuus trainin w sanemi disaster hits- oyakata-sama, his wife n two of their kids just died

the 2nd to last arc- the infinity castle!! thingsre gettin real n muzans revealed himself

in tha infinity castle EVERYONES there but can u really blame em theyve been workin up 2 this 4 millenia

shinobu runs into upper moon 2- douma, aka the bastard that killed her sister as well as inosukes mum

she is. justifiably pissed. n she gives it her all but he kills her :(( douma ily but also FUCK YOU.

so perfect timing!!! heres her adopted sister!! as well as inosuke!!!! revenge battle time >:0

in the end shinobus poison is what kills him- her whole body is filled w wisteria poison thats deadly 2 a demon so he basically consumed her whole body weight in poison rip

but ofc word gets out via messenger crow that shes dead n its just a real sad moment tbh :( but theres no time 4 that bc giyuu n tanjirou just ran into akaza >:((

so tanjirous pissed as hell now n w their combined efforts they take down tha basketball lookin bastard (bastardball??)

meanwhile obanai n mitsuri (n yushirou iirc?? he uses his own art 2 control her @ some point tho i cant remember when) deal w tha new upper moon 4 (nakime, whos also shiftin tha rooms around w her blood art n makin tha fight super fuckign annoyin tbh) n muichirou genya sanemi n gyoumei deal w kokushibou (upper moon 1, also tha original sun breathers twin brother so he gets moon breathin >:3)

mitsuri n obanai fake their deaths w help from yushirou n muzan falls 4 it, which comes in handy later ;3

zenitsu also deals w his former bully, upper moon 6 aka kaigaku aka dickhead supreme who if zenitsu didnt kill i would personally kill w my bare hands

so after everyones taken down all thats left is muzan >:( muzan kills tamayo real early on n everyones goin all out on him

we also learn that he has multiple brains n hearts in his body eww

also the hashira have their marks now!! but all but sanemi n giyuu get killed n giyuu loses his arm :((((

genya also gets killed noo

eventually ofc the battle is won thanks 2 everyones relief, it took for fuckin ever bc the only way muzan can die is tha sun so they had 2 kill time n keep him out in tha sun 4 a long time

also nezukos been cured!! shes a human!! n shes comin 2 help!!

but OH GOD OH FUCK MUZAN TURNED TANJIROU INTO A DEMON N GIYUUS CRYIN N INOSUKES CRYIN THRU HIS MASK N ITS GOIN SO FUCKING WRONG but he gets tha will 2 turn back bc Fuck You Muzan, The Power Of Friendship Defeats All

the 2nd to last chapter is tha happy endin, the kamaboko gang visit tanjirou n nezukos house, giyuu cuts his hair n SMILES n tha hashira have their final meetin w oyakata-samas son kiriya

i cried readin it ngl their sufferin is finally over...... it cost a lot but now theres no more demons,,,

chapter 205 is set in tha modern day! kanao n tanjirous descendants are shown, as well as zenitsu n nezukos

everyone who died/never had kids get reincarnated (for example gyoumei is now a daycare worker, kyos reincarnation toujurou is besties w one o tans descendants n giyuu (giichi) is friends w sabito again!! makomos their friend too!!

ALSO KIRIYA IS STILL ALIVE hes the oldest man in japan!! this is huge bc the ubayashiki family dont usually live past 30 bc of a curse that was put on em when they had muzan

yushirou is still alive too but thats bc hes a demon n he paints tamayo for a living qwq

it just made me cry so hard bc waaah,,, everyone gets 2 live a demon-free life now,,, anyway typin this took me like an hour im sorry mint (as well as anyone else who read this)

🎥 do you have any favorite scenes from your hyperfixation?

tha infinity train arc as a whole tbh??? its basically enmu n kyoujurous big moment and. i care them sm. i cant wait 4 tha movie qwq except 4 their deaths ofc

🏳‍🌈 do you have any headcanons (lgbt, race, neuro, etc) that are important to you?

i have a lotta headcanons really!! outta my f/os favs tho i hc:

giyuu is trans bi n autistic

kyo is gay n has adhd

muichirou is nb n pan

mitsuri is pan

douma is gay

enmu is nb pan n autistic

#long post #ask 2 tag #death tw #asks #vacuous answers #menherapiers #vacuous rambles #kny

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paulwalltran · 4 years

Text

Dungeons and Dragons Loneliness

Another interview with lofi music. Today was a pretty shitty day, alot on my mind. Here to unload.

Today’s mood: Fuck it all...

It’s a mad addiction, a horrendous one. It’s all I think about, it’s all I want to talk about. Or almost anything fantasy related. I’ve recently gotten a little closer with one of my co workers. Delerner Banks, everyone calls him Del. He’s always in the tunnel, and always brings warhammer books to read and do work (whatever it is he’s working on.) We talk about fantasy related things all the time, and sometimes we bounce ideas off each other, feeling out our thoughts of settings and lore. Talking to him about some fantasy before leaving work made me feel alot better. The loneliness inside has been eating at me.

I know it’s salt, I know its jealousy, that I’m mad at my friends. They been hanging out more without me, playing cards and shit. Its not a passion of mine, its fun sometimes, but its still not me. Its what they bond over, its what they do together, and that’s what theyre into. If I had to guess, they’re okay with Dungeons and Dragons, but even my best friend said that I take it too serious. Its fallen out of their favor, it eats up a lot of time, and they each have their version of what a fun campaign would be like. In me, I said to myself, “Fine, fuck it. I’ll have to assemble another crew to play with.” Tough situation then isn’t it? Wanting to play a social game that needs bodies, during an age where social gatherings are frowned upon, because they carry a potential to spread a virus... Still, this is what I want to do. I want a group of friends, who share the same passion I do. My current friends must think ill of me, they may just want to hang out. They think that if they come hang with me, I’ll want a game of DnD without a doubt. They just want to chill and kick it, they don’t want to roll dice. But ask me once and I’ll tell you yes twice, to playing DnD.

I love it with all my heart, all of the contents and materials are here, ready to play. No extra investments, no money needed to be spent, we can get going off of nothing like we did back then. A table top roleplaying game, we started with cardboard and lego figures, and just two books to share. But there was fun to be had, and a few heated sessions. But fun it was, the more we played the deeper i grew fond of the game. I’m even willing to experiment with other systems if I have someone to guide me. With cards, you gotta constantly update your arsenal to keep up with the meta, and let’s be real, not playing anything remotely close to meta isn’t as fun. Different formats allow different decks, and to keep current you gotta keep up. I dont have the fundings for it, I dont have the luck. I would rather buy a module that’ll last for years, versus a pack of cards. I have two books that have skyrocketed in value, cards go up and down like stocks. But thats the appeal I suppose, I don’t care for it though.

Back to the thing at hand, I’m in their group chat as they make plans. I can’t be there for all that. But fuck it, that’s all Im going to say. Fuck it, on repeat, until its engraved into my head. Pride is getting the best of me, I refused to be denied again. If it’s not something they want to do, so be it, I need to look out for me in the end. I must muster up the courage to start playing online again, the first one wasn’t bad, but it fell apart. I need to get the courage to be social, and get over the fear that everyone expects you to be a pro player. I’m scared going into this green still, roll20 isn’t my forte. But if I want to play DnD, this seems to be my only option. It may fulfill my wish, to find friends who are just as passionate as I. My other friends, they’re over on the other side. Its fine, it truly is, they have one another, and I need to be strong. I need to find the strength in this loneliness, even though its tearing me apart. My circle becomes smaller, thats just the way of the world. Adapt to survive, be formless like water...

Dungeons and Dragons, my greatest escape. I can be anybody, and do things I normally can’t. I can clobber up bad guys, indecent folk, and finesse my way out of punishment from the law. I can save a village, a town, a kingdom, when I can hardly save myself. I can fly, cast spells, break locks, imagination is my only limit. I can hoard and amass vast amounts of riches, I myself can even become a dragon. I don’t have to be me, although a bit of me resides in everyone I’ve made before. I can never truly separate myself, from those Ive breathed life into. For hours on end, I can go anywhere, do anything, I melt into the world thats placed before me.

Because the reality is that I’m practically shit, and nobody. The world is fucked up and jacked up and spiraling down the drain. I’m mentally fucked and my physicality is pretty much the same. I’m stuck in place when the world is demanding me to change. I lost with no real direction. No map in hand, no guide, and I’m scared out of my mind. I don’t know whether to trust the process or commit suicide. Im not sure where I’ll end up, if it’s good or bad. Im struggling, I’m suffering, and there seems to be no end. I could say I’m trying, but I would be lying, if I had to look at the brighter side. The positive things in life are so hard to identify. But my emotions are raw and hit hard, slamming against the walls in my skull. Demanding me to give them attention...and attention I give them, as they tear me up. Like being pulled at by the limbs, drawn and quartered is the method it seems like today. I was thinking that I couldn’t drink forever, my body would eventually reject. But what if I drank energy drinks on end, a heart attack to get me out of this place. I can down those all day long, so whats stopping me from taking that way out of it? Less grotesque and violent, it’ll probably be painful as hell. An organ seizing up, as the body ceases the function. I get said thinking about it sometimes, but one day, enough will be enough. But damn that lady...damn her for speaking those words... Tomorrow. If nothing is better by tomorrow, then do as you may. But sleep it off, tomorrow is another day.

It’s not verbatim, but its the gist. Just wait for tomorrow, and hopefully things will change. The choice is still mine to make, and something in me pushes me forward, keeps me going on. Sometimes I think about who I’m leaving behind, and maybe how much it’ll hurt. The evil darkness inside me says that they’ll get over it, they have to, and time doesn’t wait. I won’t be immortalized, I’ll simply end up a statistic. That maybe itll be a few years the sadness remains fresh, but wounds always heal. Discrediting my actual existence, and any form of relations. Like I wouldn’t have made any actual impressions, people don’t weep for me now. People kind of forget I exist already, what makes me think they won’t after I’m gone?

I think about my folks, my grandma, my girlfriend, my second family, and other close dear friends. I think about how many last will letters I would have to put out there, before I call for the curtains. Sometimes, I say I will start writing them, but they give me pause. I end up not wanting to leave this world, after pouring out my heart. Because I don’t want to leave any questions behind for people who matter, I want them to know how I felt before I passed. I want to leave with them apart of me, so they would never forget.

Still it doesn’t change, shit is rough as of lately, work has been eating me up. I feel like Im never hundred percent, and me back on gaming is making it worst. I’ve gotten back onto Elder Scrolls Skyrim, its been my virtual version of DnD. Waiting for the Outer World Expansion, so I can get addicted to that again. All I want to do is play Dungeons and Dragons, the question is how do I make that into a living? I think being a Matthew Mercer is one in a million, I don’t think I’m that great. I’m willing to learn, grow, evolve because it is my passion, but I’m always scared of making mistakes. To be one of the greater Dungeon Masters, to be THE Wizards of the Coast Dungeon Master, it may possibly be the dream. To eat, sleep, breathe, Dee en Dee. My obsession isn’t that crazy though, I’m still behind on the lore of creatures and settings, I haven’t studied at all. But with the right drive and motivation, I would, especially with something as real as a legit group.

Enthusiastic players, who show up every week, bi weekly, once every month even, to play this fantastic game. Group of chill folks who is willing to take the Dungeon Master Mantle with I get burned out and have the desire to be in the player seat. One of those is the driving force, they make me want to plan. They make me want to make the world, the style, everything in general better, with the constructive feedback. I mean it’s been so long as I was a player in a campaign until the end, I’m beginning to think paying for a Dungeon Master wouldn’t be so bad. Once a month? A couple of hours? I mean I’m thinking like seven USD per hour? Eight isn’t bad, but after that it becomes a questionable amount. It repeats in my head, “No DnD is better than Bad DnD”, this much is probably still true. I say still because I still might want at least one session with said game, so I can at least say it was the worst after having attempt it, rolling something. Ha ha, I kid myself, I’m lying because I know the rage would be all to real and caution is my game most of the time. But I mean, I just might have to start exploring the idea, I was definitely going to ask on FaceBook if any Roll20 games was recruiting a newbie.

Alas, today won’t be the last time I speak on the matter, Dungeons and Dragons haunt me everyday. I stare at minis, I stare at the upcoming books and modules, and I watch youtube where they tell RPG Horror Stories, Its become a huge part of my life, such as dancing once was. It almost links right into my earliest talents...writing. I love to write, just like I’m doing now. Im fairly decent at the writing game if I must say. Hey, real life failed Bard here, I should make one who always ends up playing big bro, and end up being friendzoned by all his interests. Im short, so Halfling is very true. Am I charismatic? Who knows, I can’t say for sure. But yes, I feel like this is what I need, a solid weekly game, maybe once every two weeks, hell, once every month would still be great. Something to look forward to the very least, in this life of routine and mundane. Something to look forward to for me, something that’s my own. Something I don’t need my closer friends to be apart of, since they’re not interested anyhow. I’m really talking shit because I’m hella salty, but at least I’m being upfront. Get it all out now, before the typing is done.

It’s been a productive session, I may have to attribute it to Lofi it seems. The Lofi Hip Hop Radio on YouTube, also found on Spotify. Some tracks still strike me deep in the chest, giving me horrible flash backs and feeling in my chest. Others keep me going, forward, almost propelling. I’m currently training myself to be accustomed to the sounds, because I at first was very scared. That it would just transport me to a dark place and keep me there. I’ve been trying to confront my feelings more with this music, I think I felt better after last session like this. The more I faced myself, the better I became. Yes, I most definitely referenced Persona 4, another amazing and loved title because of the message it portrays. I always wondered what my shadow self would look like, and what they would say. But eh another time, I’m about to start rambling again. I have to conclude here, before I get off topic.

Until next time Tumblr...

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lenjaminmacbuttons · 4 years

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Hope you’re doing okay, I know there’s been a lot going on the past couple weeks. 🌈🌈💛💛

FOOF YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN

thank you for the good vibes anon, i love you and it means a lot to me. however unfortunately now im gonna use this to vent dump exactly how much has been going on the past couple weeks off the top of my head. this is actually pretty far from Everything thats happen but im so tired and dont want to think about any of it anymore

my grandma passed away last week. we were prepared for it and we know she’s at peace in a better place et cetera et cetera, her body was all full of restraints & impediments that she doesnt have to deal with anymore and the next time she’s in a body it’ll be all New And Improved and awesome. i missed so much work in anticipation of this that now i can’t get work off on the day of the funeral, so i can still go to it but i’ll have to go immediately to work right from it and have to pretend everythings fine and dandy and nothings going on.

everyone at work Does know there’s something going on however and the two coworkers i have who are actually like i consider them friends mostly they’re all like Hey Im Here For You Talk About Your Feelings Honestly with me and i. dont. want. to talk about my feelings at work. thats not what work is for and i dont like talking about my feelings anyway and i dont want them to ask anymore

the changes to the handbook and the honor code have completely sunk my heart. i had so much hope up until those hideous ridiculous unfathomably transphobic things they wrote and now i don’t feel like i can trust or have hope in ANYTHING the institution does anymore. ive been up all night going back and forth over whether i want to go to church today. or ever again. it’s not bringing me joy. it’s making me feel anxious and depressed and frustrated and alone. i keep seeing people just on the street or on facebook who are so happy and content with the church and whatever it does and i just…i get struck every single time with this thought of “they don’t care about me. they don’t care about any of these problems. they’re not affected personally by it and so they don’t care.”

and then that makes me feel like such a hypocrite because!!! ive been them too for so long!! what makes this moment so different!!!!! why is this the straw that breaks the camel’s back when the camel should have thrown off the whole burden and run to join its friends at the first strike of the owner’s whip!!!!!!

plus it’s making me feel gross about my mormon memes blogs. idk if i can keep running those anymore.

im failing this semester anyway and i keep getting emails about it. i was planning to take a break from school After this semester but ive missed so much class that i just really can’t go back to any of them so i guess im just dropping out right now. as much as i’d love to participate in all the incredible amazing protests going on right now i really really cant be on campus at all without feeling literally physically ill. and my Hope was to do really well this last semester and then submit mission papers and that way i’d know exactly what next to do with my life until i decide what After, and id be able to Get Out somewhere and travel someplace while still feeling like my life has some semblance of structure and direction. however! HOWEVER!!!!!!!!

i’ve been feeling so, so horrible and so worn down and i dont even know where or what my testimony is anymore. but that’s probably a lot lower on the list of Why I Can’t Serve A Mission, because a. i still don’t trust my Local Bishop enough to talk to him about things The Handbook says to b. i am finding it harder and harder and harder to be perceived as female. i never really have dysphoria about my body or my presentation or anything but like, when people say Sister and Ma’am and Miss and Daughter and Hey Pretty Lady It’s Me Your Relief Society President it’s like…that’s not me. that feels gross. and i wear suits and ties to church, have done so for a while and never get any flak for it, and im gradually working up the nerve to maybe start introducing myself as lev or levi instead of lillie buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut. socially transitioning apparently is not allowed.

not to mention my temple recommend expired ages ago anyway. anxiety about bishops prevented me from ever going in for an interview to renew it. i haven’t visited the temple once since before graduating high school. but every time i see it or think about it i long for it so badly and it hurts so much.

and also like, i get that same kinda horrible regretful longing feeling whenever i hear violin music? because i played violin for a few years and then stopped but i still have the instrument because it was given to me by my grandmother. who played it herself until sickness wouldn’t let her anymore and she entrusted it to me and i Stopped Playing but then i hoped to pick it up enough to at least learn how to play her favorite song and aw wouldn’t that be so nice to play that for her on her violin except i never actually got around to printing out the sheet music or practicing At All. and now she’s gone.

and one of the last things she said to me was that she would love to hear my book since her eyesight was too gone to read it so i said i’d record it as soon as i got the right software/hardware to do that and then i never did that either. also i promised alla yalls that book would be Published Published coming up on four months ago now and i still haven’t done that

i took a pair of safety scissors to my forearms as mentioned in a previous post and surprise surprise, the lines have not healed still, it’s getting warmer outside and thus harder to wear long sleeves, and guess what! a while ago on a separate occasion i complained that i kinda wished my self harm scars looked more like the classic cutter lines and Now They Do!! And I Hate It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and a couple nights ago my little sister saw them and so i told her i got attacked by a spider-pawed bear and fortunately my brother Understands and backed me up like “dang what do they teach in schools these days i cant believe youve never heard of the spider-pawed bears that live in the mountains and are totally normal and real”

and steven universe is ending. that’s a thing.

and like….okay. not everything in my emotions right now is bad. some of it is just complicated. one coworker friend i have recently confessed that she’s had a crush on me for several months now. fortunately when she said this i was able to be honest and say that im not super eager for a relationship right now, im not ready in the slightest to settle down or anything, im still hung up on my high school crush and also dealing with issues from my last relationship, and she replied that’s all perfectly fine and she doesn’t have any expectations and she’s great being friends and we can take things at whatever pace is good

except i also now have a date with said high school crush loosely planned for tomorrow and i told this coworker friend about it and she admitted it’s making her a little jealous and then she said jealous is an ugly word and amended it to Insecure and i feel bad about that

but i also like. am really excited for this date. like it’s not really a for sure romantic capital-d Date and that’s fine, but i haven’t seen this friend irl for so long and ive been missing her so much over this past little while that we’ve been internet chatting and that ive been i guess officially falling back in love with her but i also like, i dont know what her deal is romantically right now i don’t want to presume anything but i really really really am itching to see her

work is stressful. it’s only gonna get more so as weather gets warmer. but we’re getting two new managers with loads of experience and glowing reviews next week. i have hope that they’ll makes things a little lighter.

and there’s also. good things. peridot took off her visor for the first time ever in canon and i saved like 50 different gifs of it to my computer cus it rocked my world. sonic has she-ra toys for the kids meals and i managed to snag a tiny inflatable version of the sword. i’m making cosplays of the tres horny boys from the adventure zone and they’re all very exciting and making things makes me very very happy. i’m finding joy in all the fanfictions i’m writing right now and in talking about dungeons & dragons with my brothers and friends. ducknerva is a very beautiful Good Ending version of marahope which makes me happy and taako is a super effective projection outlet. i bought cupcakes today and they were delicious. and when i think about those good things, when i think about any good thing no matter how small, everything else disappears.

whatever happens happens i guess.

she who lives will see.

#talkyllama #hey if anyone needs tags on posts like these please please let me know asap #i always forget that actual people see the things i post #i dont usually trigger tag cus i dont usually think i need to but if i do i will

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artificialqueens · 5 years

Text

in the sky with the fire below (branjie) - holtzmanns

AN: This was going to be a small 5+1 drabble, but somehow turned out to be much longer. I think it’s one of my favourite things I’ve written to date. As always, thank you to writ and bean for being the certified Best™ and making writing so much fun. Title taken from ‘Reforget’ by Lauv.

(read on ao3) | (find me at plastiquetiaras)

Five times that Brooke doesn’t know what to say, and one time that the words can’t be held back.

“We’re done.”

The two words knock him out one after another, caving in his chest like they’re anvils. They may as well be, from the way that he can’t breathe anymore, how the world feels slightly tilted off of its axis.

Vanessa looks at him with a challenge in his eyes, daring him to say something. To fight him, yell, plead, anything but what he’s doing now.

But he doesn’t.

Brooke is tired. Tired of the bickering, tired of being on completely different pages, tired of not being able to give Vanessa what he wants. Tired of not being enough, the way that he should.

Is it worth it? Is he worth it?

He’s seen relationships fall apart around him. His friends’, his parents’, ones that start so promising and are recalled breathlessly with so much happiness. But only last for so long.

The characteristics that people love about each other turn out to be the same ones that push them apart. Two sides of the same coin that can never quite land the way it’s supposed to.

He thought waiting for the right time, the right guy, would keep him from it. From experiencing the way that a person can turn from being the most beautiful one in the room to one that needs to be avoided at all costs. He had thought that he’d found it, found a person that wouldn’t make him want to pull away.

He was wrong.

Vanessa had always said that he wanted someone to fight for him. To give him that romantic moment, the movie ending that makes the audience wish that they had packed a box of tissues when heading to the movie theatre.

“So that’s it? You’re not gonna say nothing?”

He doesn’t.

“Coward.”

ii.

Oh, lord.

“Well, wasn’t that just spicy!” His fellow queen that is co-hosting the viewing party looks positively delighted.

The audience is cheering along with her, some of them yelling ‘Miss Vaaaanjie’ because he’s never gonna be able to escape from Vanessa now, is he?

He should have remembered that this episode was going to be the first one where they kissed. Not even a kiss, just a light peck. Them fooling around in the workroom, smack dab in front of the cameras because they were having fun, damnit.

It didn’t even mean much, back then. They were just messing around. It was before things had shifted and Brooke fell into it with his whole heart, only to be left in a bottomless pit that he’s still trying to escape from, to get back out of.

He realizes that his co-host is looking at him with an expectant expression. “Well?”

Fuck. She must have asked something. “Uh, what?”

“There you have it, folks. That little kiss was apparently so good that it’s still leaving her speechless. My, my, my, Brooke Lynn. Didn’t think you were the type to go after those cookies on national television.”

The audience is cheering louder and louder, and it makes him wish that he could disappear into his chair, fucking vanish from the face of the planet. How many weeks of this does he have ahead of him? Of more than just a light peck on camera, of feelings and arms wrapped around each other and kisses that meant so much more than that first one and their lip sync against one another, when one half of his heart got sent home without him?

The ending of the commercial break feels like a lifeline, when the eyes that are focused on him shift towards the projector screen as the episode starts up once more. He breathes a sigh of relief when it appears that no one is looking at him, takes a swig of his drink.

He’s gonna have to think of some better answers. Some prepared ones that don’t leave him bumbling like an idiot, stuttering as he tries to answer questions about moments on television which barely scratch the surface of their relationship.

Past relationship.

He needs a cigarette.

iii.

‘Crazy in Love’ is playing.

It shouldn’t be a big deal - it’s usually not enough to make him even blink; the song is present in the music libraries of pretty much every bar that he goes to.

But tonight he’s just finished a show in a bar in Tampa, and already thrown the last makeup wipe into the trashcan of the dressing room, packed up his drag. He’s ready to go home, really.

Well. His hotel room. Not home.

But ‘Crazy in Love’ echoes over the speakers as he tugs his small suitcase out of the dressing room, past drunken partygoers and queens still in a half-state of drag. The beats, the setting, everything is so familiar; gives him a sense of déjà vu.

September 2018. When Vanessa had a gig here at his home bar in Tampa and Brooke spent a whole day driving down from Nashville to surprise him.

The noise of delight, the way that Vanessa had thrown himself into his arms and hadn’t wanted to let go had been worth it.

Brooke had come to Vanessa’s gig, watched him get in drag and perform for loving fans. Had rained money on him because Vanessa deserved it, deserved to be appreciated, to be adored.

They had made out in the very same dressing room, Brooke wiping the smudges of lipstick off of his own lips, slightly drunk but not enough to explain the giddy smiles on both of their faces.

‘Crazy in Love’ had blared as Brooke helped Vanessa pack up his drag, looped an arm through his. They had gone through the same hallway, singing along obnoxiously off key and loud enough for a fellow queen to exclaim ‘Goddamn, shut the fuck up!’

They had gone back to one of their hotel rooms, and for a few hours nothing had mattered - no flights to catch, no unsaid feelings, no timezone changes completely fucking up their systems.

It’s different tonight.

No Vanessa - just him, the way he’s wanted, right? The way it had seemed to just be easier, right?

Right.

Brooke can’t really stop himself as he taps out Vanessa’s number with the pulsing beat of the music overhead. He needs to tell him about the song, where he is right now. He waits for it as it rings once, twice, three times.

Listens as he doesn’t pick up.

He steadies himself during the voicemail spiel (“I’m not here, ho, leave a fuckin’ message, BYE”), though it’s not enough to keep him from flinching during the resultingbeep.

The line crackles. He’s silent, watches the seconds pass by on the clock on the wall before the answering machine beeps again, signalling that he’s run out of time to record a message.

He doesn’t call again.

iv.

Brooke can handle it.

The idea of touring with Vanessa and the rest of the season eleven cast had initially filled him with trepidation. Doing shows with Vanessa - not just one, where they’d kiki for only a few hours, but instead night after night. Travelling between cities by bus and plane and being around him all the time, in a way that they haven’t been since they were…well.

But it’s fine. They’re friendly, they are. Brooke believes it. He can talk to Vanessa without the telltale knife that’s been buried in his chest for the last few months twisting itself even more. Seeing Vanessa doesn’t make him want to run away, or smoke until his lungs crackle and burn they way that it did before.

Oh, yeah. He’s cutting down on that, too. Not only because it’s bad for his health (he knows that, he does), but because it gives him something to focus on, to do. Something to control, to distract him. Somehow, as backwards as it is, he’s been holding on.

He feels like he’s in a delicate homeostasis with Vanessa - a combination of elements that are unstable on their own, heading towards destruction, but when combined together create a strange balance, a calm, no matter how imperfectly they fit.

Brooke’s able to joke around with him, have a normal conversation - so what if it’s a bit more of a surface level dialogue than he wants it to be, what does it matter?

They have a stability. It’s not perfect, but it protects not only their sanity, but that of their tourmates too.

Brooke starts to believe that they’re gonna get through this tour in one piece.

That is, until Calgary.

Brooke’s black catsuit sits around his waist and his pointe shoes dangle from his fingers. He has approximately 17 minutes until he has to be ready to go in the wings for his number, to step on after Ra’jah’s performance.

But he wants to grab a snack, and Nina always knows the best snacks from the catering table to mix together. As a result he never goes on a snack run without her, but she’s not in any of the dressing rooms, nor is she chatting with any crew members in the halls backstage.

Which leaves the stage and the wings.

Brooke approaches the wings carefully, years of dance training instilling in him not to make any noise. Nina’s yellow wig is easy to spot between the curtains, and she shushes him with a hand before he can even mutter the word ‘snacks’ into her ear. She gestures to the stage, and suddenly Brooke can see why.

Vanessa.

The first and last time that Brooke had seen Vanessa perform to ‘No Drama’ was during filming, the lip-sync with Shuga where he had fucking sang his heart out to stay. Ru had described it as magical. Brooke agreed. It was an experience so ethereal that he saw the pieces Vanessa had left of himself on the stage, the frustration and the emotions and feelings that he couldn’t keep in any longer. The release in Vanessa’s shoulders when he was told that he was staying. Brooke couldn’t tear his eyes away, couldn’t let go of Vanessa once they were off stage, holding his shaking body as he cried into his shoulder.

Watching Vanessa right now, whipping the same leopard print caftan around the stage with so many emotions flitting across his face - anger, pain, passion - is enough to make Brooke never want to tear his eyes away. He can’t, not even while Nina is tapping his shoulder because nothing else matters, not when his force of nature (no, not his anymore, he should remember that) is on stage and creating magic again.

Does Vanessa do this every night, every tour stop? Release what’s in his heart to the audience because it’s all too heavy to carry on his own? How has Brooke never seen it before?

He only realizes that the number is done when the roar of the audience is too loud to ignore, when Vanessa grins that ever-so dazzling smile of his and takes a bow, wiping the stray tear tracks on his face.

Nina lets out a whoop beside him when Vanessa gets closer, ducks into the wings. He looks up at him with those brown eyes which always say so much without even trying, while at the same time leaving Brooke himself at a loss for words.

That was amazing. You’re amazing.

I love you.

He doesn’t say any of it, breath hitching in his throat. Nina’s talking to him, to them, Vanessa’s saying things back but he doesn’t hear it. Not after the words are still washing over him, bringing down his resolve brick by brick.

I still love you.

Brooke is not really sure how to deal in the aftermath. The realization that keeping Vanessa at an arm’s length, staying friendly and professional is not sustainable.

He can’t do it.

But who is he to ask for more? When Vanessa seems okay and thriving and happy and living his best life on tour? He goofs off with Silky and A’keria out of drag, voice carrying throughout the tour bus and Brooke wishes that he could be a part of it. He preens in front of thousands of fans that call his name, lighting up the stage with his smile (how can Brooke not watch every night now?) because he’s incredible and he knows it and deserves all of the praise that he gets.

It’s not like Brooke hasn’t known that he still loves Vanessa. He had said so at the reunion, he said it to Vanessa backstage away from the cameras, and every time it had been received with a pang of bitterness because of the words that Brooke hadn’t said.

That he couldn’t handle the relationship, that he wanted space and room to enjoy the post season eleven hype. That a relationship hadn’t been his highest priority.

Funny how things change. Now Brooke is the one pining like an idiot, his love for Vanessa colouring his vision, his own performances, how much he drinks to try and forget. Vanessa is the one enjoying life, doing just fine without him.

Nina squeezes his shoulder when he tells her about the fact that he’s completely, utterly fucked. Replies that she knew, she can tell, the entire fucking cast can tell because his big puppy eyes aren’t exactly subtle to everyone who isn’t Vanessa.

“Tell him. He should know.” Nina’s eyes are encouraging, almost pleading. He knows that’s on him, because Vanessa makes him broody and twitchy and Nina has certainly been on the receiving end of things. He needs to fix that.

“He’s happy now. I can’t pull him back down again.” He doesn’t want to ruin Vanessa a second time, be the cause of their destruction no matter how much his heart is telling him to do just that.

“How do you know it won’t pull both of you back up instead?”

She has a point.

So he plans to do so in Seattle, to at least try because doesn’t he owe himself that? Some form of closure?

It feels too strange of a term to apply to his relationship with Vanessa. Even if over, it feels like they’re constantly drawn to each other, two planets trapped within one another’s gravitational pull, to weak to separate. He’s not sure if they can ever get closure.

But he wants to be honest. Wants Vanessa to know that he’s all in. He’s an option, if Vanessa wants it.

The two shots of tequila that he took at the bar light up his veins, mixing with the high of another successful performance, another show ticked off the list. He weaves through the crowd, avoiding the drunken partygoers and his fellow queens out of drag enjoying yet another afterparty.

Brooke cranes his neck, listening for Vanessa’s telltale booming voice that more often than not acts like a beacon when trying to figure out where he is. It doesn’t project over the pulsing music the way that it normally does, and for a second Brooke starts to wonder whether Vanessa is still even at the bar. But then he sees him.

Leaning against a pillar, smiling up at some guy whose back is facing Brooke, but who is definitely tall and blonde. Real great. He’s fine, it doesn’t matter.

Vanessa tugs on the guy’s collar, leans in on his tiptoes to whisper something into his ear and it’s fine, really, Vanessa is allowed to do that. Brooke has no right to say anything at this point, he really doesn’t. He shouldn’t, anyway.

Vanessa is happy. He’s moved on. He deserves to be happy.

Why does it feel like his heart is being torn apart, then?

He’s not sure how long he stands there, frozen, his feet lead bricks that drag down, down, down, into the core of the earth, unable to move. Though when Vanessa leans in and the guy wraps an arm around his waist and cups Vanessa’s face and kisses him, the ground lets go of Brooke. His feet are moving and he has to go, get out, past the other sweaty bodies and into the cool air because he needs to breathe in something other than the matching ugly tastes of jealousy and yearning that poison his insides.

He’s not going to say anything.

+ i.

Brooke bangs his fist on the glass of the vending machine, trying to make the can of pop fall from the precarious position that it is currently wedged in. It doesn’t budge.

The side of his hand hits it one more time with a thud, rests there as he leans his forehead against the glass, lets out a growl. He needs the caffeine, the sugar. Of course he’d pick the one that gets stuck. Typical.

“What you looking so pressed for, Mami?”

Fuck. Not now. He doesn’t want to deal with Vanessa, with the way that he rips his heart clean open, not now.

He’s just managed to push everything back down to where it is supposed to be. The last few tour stops he’s kept himself away from Vanessa, focusing on his performances and his mug and taking all of the extra shots that are offered to him because he can.

So what if Nina looks at him with that look in her eyes laced with pity, the one often accompanied by a pat on his shoulder and an apology? There’s nothing to be sorry for. He’s fine.

He is.

He can put himself into tiny neat boxes, keep himself compartmentalized during this tour the way that he knows how.

But Vanessa standing directly behind him, saying his name with a soft voice is enough to spill all of the contents of the boxes out onto the ground for everyone to see.

“The can is stuck.” Hell, if Brooke’s going to feel like he’s dying while he talks to Vanessa, he may as well get him to help retrieve his drink.

“Lemme try.” Vanessa brushes past, hand pushing Brooke back slightly so that he can take his spot in front of the machine, and the touch feels like it’s burning into his chest. Not that Vanessa notices.

Vanessa’s small fist hits the glass, trying to shake the can. “C’mon!”

It’s enough to make Brooke nearly crack a smile. He loves listening to Vanessa. Sue him.

“Fuck this shit.” Vanessa reaches into his pocket, then, pulling out some change and stuffing it into the vending machine. “Come on, come on, come on.”

The can falls as the metal in the machine turns, makes another can fall right after it. Vanessa lets out a whoop. “There you go, bitch.”

But he doesn’t care about the pop cans anymore, not when Vanessa’s fingers graze the inside of his wrist and send a lick of flames up his arm, lighting it on fire. Vanessa’s hand lingers, dragging down against Brooke’s palm, his fingers, brushing against each other like they’re not going to explode at any second.

Brooke looks at him. Vanessa’s looking right back up with a defiant set in his jaw, his eyebrows raised as if he’s waiting for Brooke to say something.

“Don’t.” One word is what Brooke can get out right now.

“Don’t what?” Infuriating. Absolutely infuriating.

His breath hitches when Vanessa’s fingers trace up his arm.

“You don’t get to do that anymore.”

“This?” Vanessa’s nails, lightly pressing into his skin.

Fuck it. Fuck any other guys, fuck keeping himself safe in pretty boxes. It doesn’t work, anyway. Not with Vanessa.

“If you’re going to touch me, then touch me like you mean it.”

It’s all Vanessa needs; Brooke’s back hits the vending machine and the glass is cold but he doesn’t care. Vanessa’s on his tiptoes, wrapping his arms around his neck and biting at his lower lip and it’s like no time has passed at all, nothing has changed.

Except it has and Brooke’s brain is still travelling at a million miles per hour because it’s happening, this is happening, it’s fucked but he doesn’t care.

He uses his core strength to push himself off of the vending machine and flips them around, cradling the back of Vanessa’s head before it hits the glass. Brooke presses biting kisses to his skin, the column of his neck and behind his ear and his whine makes him push a knee between Vanessa’s legs, makes his dick twitch when Vanessa immediately grinds against it.

He pulls back, suddenly, because there’s so much to say that he hasn’t in so long and he needs to, and how can he do this without being clear?

“Do you know how hard it is to try and get over you? To forget you?” He punctuates his sentences with a hand raking up Vanessa’s sides, feels him shudder. “I can’t. I fucking can’t. I can’t do it.”

Vanessa chases his mouth, whines when Brooke pulls back. “Then don’t. Why do you insist on making this shit difficult?”

“Because you deserve more. More than this.” It’s bitter, it’s empty, accompanying the nip that Brooke dots on his jaw.

“You ain’t getting it, are you?” Vanessa tugs on his belt loops, somehow pulls him in closer than they already are. “I don’t want nothing else. Tried to. But I only want your sad ass.”

Brooke tugs on his hair. “I’m not sad.” He’s not.

“Yeah, you are. Sad little puppy eyes is what you have. Now get over your bullshit. If you think I deserve more and you’re gonna keep pouting like that, then show me. Be it.”

Vanessa knows exactly what he’s doing. Brooke can tell. Sees it in the challenge on his face, the raise of his eyebrows. The way Vanessa lifts his head up slightly, dares him to come closer again.

So he does.

#rpdr fanfiction #brooke lynn hytes #vanessa vanjie mateo #branjie #angst #angst with a happy ending #5 + 1 #holtzmanns #submission

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