#like ive met men who are okay human beings but they were all already taken thats what im saying

[erospourfemme]

i really need to stop hating men sometimes soon bc i genuinely want to get married and live a heteronormative lifestyle like thats such a dream for me tbh. like if i could clone myself and have my clone change sexes i'd genuinely be the happiest person alive. i wish i could reproduce by binary fission. finding a man i like all too difficult i really have not met a single man i dont find utterly disgusting in the past four years

[yolkyeomie]

Humanity of the Inhuman | Kim Sunwoo

summary — legends are meant for the wild fantasies of the dream world, but when one myth suddenly comes true, you find yourself tangled within its webs of reality.

word count — 4.8k words

pairing — sunwoo x female!reader (ft. x juyeon)

genre — college au, gumiho au

disclaimer — !! light mentions of death, blood, and injury !! this was supposed to be only three parts but because I’m tired I have to put the rest into a part 4 🙂☝🏽

part I | part II | part III | part IV?

I.

It’s been a week since you last saw Sunwoo in your house, and don’t worry it’s for a good reason. The gumiho didn’t just up and leave all of a sudden, he was a little too true to his word when it came to the nine tailed fox honor code.

He was simply doing what he set out to do in the first place: prove that Juyeon was a gumiho out to get you. Though seeing as it’s taken a week so far, there wasn’t a lot of information he was gathering.

It would get a little odd when you would walk into the mythology class the two of you shared and there was Sunwoo sitting in the very back. He wasn’t as close to the point where it would be suspicious but it was close enough to keep an eye on Juyeon. The awkward part was that sometimes you’d feel like the gumiho’s eyes were burning into the back of your head as well.

And yet despite his hard stare, Juyeon didn’t seem to notice at all. The first two days of Sunwoo spying on the two of you was uncomfortable but thanks to the boy’s kind nature, it was as if the gumiho’s presence disappeared completely.

You didn’t even hear the fox bead most of the time and that was your sure fire way of figuring out whether he was truly there or not.

“You wanna be partners?” Juyeon asked, closing the notebook in his hands and the class began to disperse around the two of you. “For the project I mean! Do you wanna be partners for… the project…?”

You thought about it for a moment, you always had a habit of just doing projects on your own ever since you were a child. While yes doing a project with a partner would make it easier and not as heavy of a load on you, you couldn’t stand working with others. There was always someone who decided to be the freeloader yet still got all the markers for the work. Plus, it was just faster to do it on your own.

But Juyeon is a good person, he’s been your class friend since you first stepped in the class. There was no reason for you not to believe he was a bad worker. “Sure why not,” you shrugged, “It would probably lessen the workload on the both of us and I’m sure you’ve got other things to do outside of campus.”

“How’d you know that?” He asked rather quickly, turning to you with rather curious eyes.

“I don’t know, you just seem like a busybody and a sociable guy,” you replied, giving him a half smile as he finally started to grab all of your belongings. “People like you have large friend groups and millions of extracurricular activities to keep themselves occupied.”

“Now I wouldn’t say I’m a busybody,” he tried to counter, his mannerism similar to those of a puppy’s as he spoke, “but you’re right, I do like to hang out with lots of my friends. Being around people is just… so much better than being alone.”

At those words you take a quick glance over toward where Sunwoo sat, though the gumiho was long gone now. If Juyeon liked hanging around people more than being by himself, it must have made it incredibly hard for Sunwoo to follow him around without looking suspicious.

You could just see it now, the gumiho trying to look as ordinary as possible as he practically chased down Juyeon and his abnormally large friend group. The boy lived in the dorms too so there was no way that Sunwoo was getting him completely alone. You almost giggled at the thought of the gumiho struggling.

“So where do you want to meet so we can work on the project?” Juyeon piped up, steering the conversion back to the project. Though the boy sounded a little too excited to be talking about it. “There’s the cafeteria on campus, a pretty decent coffee shop that’s nearby… oh and our homes! You know, my dorm will always be open to you. And Hyunjae will be more than happy to clean up around the place for you as well.”

“How about we just meet at my apartment for now?” You offered, standing up from your seat and urging him to follow suit.

“Really? You want me to go over to your house? Just me alone?”

You nodded your head, a laugh escaping your mouth as you replied,”I mean, yeah? It’s just a project and I trust you enough to—“

“—hey,” the two of you turned your heads, unsure on who was interrupting your conversation in such a fashion. Sunwoo stood behind the two of you with an almost amused grin, playing with his near fluffy hair with one hand and the other shoved deep into the university sweatshirt he wore. You thought he had left already, he must have blended in almost perfectly with his surroundings. “Let me join your group for the project.”

“Huh?” Both of you responded, different levels of shock exposed on your faces. Though Juyeon was the one who kept talking, “I’m sorry, but this is a solo or partner project. You’ll have to find someone else, I don’t know if we are allowed a third…”

“Don’t worry about that,” Sunwoo assured them, giving Juyeon his signature mischievous smile. You think this is the first time that the gumiho has personally interacted with the boy in public. “I’m sure the teacher will be fine with it, aren't I right?”

You both turned to look at your instructor at the front of the class, but the glint of amber yellow amber in his eyes didn’t go unnoticed to you. The teacher was attending to another student, but took a moment to look up and toward the trio that was staring back at him. He smiled at the three of you before nodding his head, “he already asked about groups of three earlier, it’s fine with me! This whole class is either going solo or in pairs and he didn’t want to be alone so this can be a small exception to the rule.”

Juyeon nodded his head in understanding, turning to face Sunwoo again before giving him a compliant half smile. “Whatever authority says goes I guess. If Y/N is okay with it then��,” he glanced at you for a second and you nodded your head, not really wanting to hear the gumiho’s complaints later if you disagreed, “welcome to the group then. I’m Juyeon, by the way. You are…?”

“You can call me Sun,” he answered, replicating the same compliant expression Juyeon had as he introduced himself. “It’ll be a pleasure working with you.”

“If that’s all then I’ll be going now. I’ll call you about times to meet for the project,” Juyeon excused himself, turning to you with his kind gaze and giving you a proper goodbye before grabbing his belongings and making his trek out of the mythology class.

You watched him leave for a moment, making sure that the boy was out of the room completely before turning to the gumiho beside you. “So? A week of following him and he was just your normal human being wasn’t he? So now your next step is to invade his daily life to try and get dirt on him?”

“What I can say, he was a slimy guy to follow,” Sunwoo admitted, moving to sit on the table you had just used as a desk. “Not only am I doing this to keep my eye on him, but I’m also doing this because you willingly invited a gumiho to your house? Now you really need my protection.”

You rolled your eyes at his claims, beginning your own journey off the campus as you replied to Sunwoo, “I told you to prove to me that Juyeon was a gumiho and I still don’t have that information yet. Until you get solid evidence, I’m going to continue to trust him like I’ve done before I met you. Plus! He’s shown no red flags to me and I’m very good at catching red flags.”

“Red flags of human men maybe, but I’m telling you!” Sunwoo argued, following after you closely, “Juyeon is not of this mortal realm and nearly killed me.”

“If Juyeon nearly killed you, how did he not recognize you the moment you asked to be in our group?” You asked him, not only to antagonize the gumiho but because you had a genuine question on the matter.

“If I’m being honest,” Sunwoo thought to himself for a moment, “I don’t know. Just mentioning the sun part of my name should have at least triggered the fight in him, but he took it like a champ…”

“Maybe the gumiho that was chasing you and tried to kill you wasn’t Juyeon,” you suggested, stopping in your tracks and turning to him before he could give you his regular counterclaim, “maybe the gumiho that was following you was just using Juyeon’s appearance as a disguise? Can’t you guys shapeshift? It would make sense that the Juyeon you saw wasn’t the real one.”

Sunwoo only let out a deep sigh, not wanting to consider your words but the logic was a little too strong to just set aside. “That makes sense but… I just can’t agree. I know that Juyeon was the one who attacked me and is targeting you, I just have to find a way to prove it.”

II.

Why did you even offer your apartment to be the meeting place for the project? What type of rose tinted glasses were you hearing in order to make that type of decision?

Because of your horrible decision making, now you were sitting in your living room on the exact couch you nearly crumbled into when Sunwoo had kissed you not even a full week before except the gumiho wasn’t the one sitting next to you. It was Juyeon. Sunwoo was sitting on the floor in front of the two of you, his smug expression was enough to know the thoughts that were running through his head.

“Since the project is about gumihos, we can easily split this up into three parts,” the boy offered, unwillingly becoming the team leader since the unseen tension between you and Sunwoo had left you speechless, “one of us does the presentation, the other person finds images to add to the presentation, and then we split the research into two parts. I was thinking Y/N could do the presentation since you definitely have a better eye than me when it comes to decorating…”

You had practically cut out Juyeon’s voice in your head. You were a little guilty of doing so, but you couldn’t help it! Not when the gumiho’s mischievous stare was burning holes into your head and the memory of you and Sunwoo sharing an intimate moment on replay in your head. You can replay the situation almost scene by scene in your head actually, that’s how ingrained in your mind it was.

It just had been a very prevalent thought in your mind recently because Sunwoo was gone most of the time. But now he’s here, and so is Juyeon.

“I don’t think Y/N wants to do the presentation actually,” Sunwoo intervened, a foxish grin appearing on his face as he offered, ”I think she wants to do the research instead. It looks like she’s got some… things… on her mind.”

“What?” You quicked added, trying not to seem as disoriented as you actually were. “No— it’s fine. I can do the presentation. You don’t have to worry about that.”

“Now that you mention it, Sun,” Juyeon nodded, a frown beginning to cross his features as he watched you, “Y/N… you do seem a little out of it.”

“Maybe we should do this another day… don’t we all want to be focused on our project so we can get a good grade? If someone is distracted, we might not do as well as we can do.” Sunwoo continued, lying straight through his teeth as he encouraged Juyeon’s kindness for you.

You wanted to stop him, you wanted to prove to both of them that you were perfectly okay, but that jingle of the fox bead within Sunwoo’s possession seemed to say otherwise. “Sure, let’s meet another day. How does the day after tomorrow sound? It’ll be right after class too.”

“I’m fine with that,” Juyeon agreed and Sunwoo only nodded in response. “I’ll text you the roles I think we should all have later so you can think about what you want to do in advance. Make sure you let Sun know too.”

You all exchanged goodbyes and wanted until Juyeon left first before sitting in complete silence. You were too ashamed of letting the past distract you and Sunwoo was simply enjoying the moment that he had created.

“Well, I guess that’s my cue to go and follow him,” the gumiho exclaimed, rising off the ground and stretching his limbs. “What a busy day today has been. This is the most I’ve done in a while now… maybe I’ve gotten too comfortable just living here—“

You stop him before he can walk past him, your nails threatening to dig into his skin while the other hand is hovering over the conspicuously placed talisman you own. You felt Sunwoo’s skin crawl as soon as he noticed it and gave you his most innocent smile and big baby doll eyes. “Something the matter?”

“Find out if Juyeon is a gumiho, quickly.” You hissed at him, hoping the very obvious threat was getting through that thick skull of his. “Because I don’t know if I could spend another minute on this couch with him in my house knowing damn well we kissed because of your need to be proven right.”

“What can I say!” The gumiho gleefully responded, leaning down towards you and whispering, “being a gumiho makes me a really good kisser. Of course you wouldn’t forget it so easily.”

Sunwoo yelped as you nearly punched him, slapping the talisman onto his cheek and letting go of him. You watched the nine tailed fox grovelled in pain on the ground, wanting to snatch the paper talisman off but not having the ability to touch it in the first place. “Say that again and next time everything in the house will be covered in a talisman!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry okay!” He begged, his true form struggling to tear itself out of his humanoid body. The talisman was doing its job trying to dispel and absorb the evil energy and Sunwoo was doing his best trying to keep himself from going into a withdrawal.

You couldn’t stand to watch him lay there in agony anymore. Sure it was funny for a few seconds since you got your revenge, but as time passed you noticed it was taking a lot more energy than you thought for him to keep himself stable. “Stay still for like two seconds okay? Even though that might be… a little hard for you but… whatever just— hold on!”

You drop to your knees in an instant and tear the talisman off like a bandaid, wincing on Sunwoo’s behalf as you watch him take the deepest breath he possibly could. The gumiho form of him seemed to dissipate almost immediately now that he has control over his power but it only made your mind wander.

If a small talisman months old could cause so much damage to him, you wondered how exactly he could go head to head with a gumiho of a nearly full fox bead. “You’re not like… hurt right? The talisman didn’t leave a scar or something because they looked like it hurt really badly.”

“I… really need that fox bead back.” He spoke in between breaths but that sentence gave you all the information you needed to know. The fox bead was probably the primary source of strength for gumihos, sure without it they were still dangerous but in a state like Sunwoo’s who said his was empty? You might have just reduced him to a killable state.

“I am… so sorry,” you apologized, taking the smallest step back as you watched Sunwoo get off of the ground. “If I knew you were that screwed without your original fox bead I would have never touched you with it. It’s my fault, seriously.”

The gumiho shook his head, “No, you’re fine, don’t worry. It’s the person with my fox bead we have to worry about. I don’t think I truly realized how badly of a situation we’re in right now. If I get proof that Juyeon is a gumiho and he catches me? There is no way you or me will get out of that situation alive.”

III.

And oddly enough, a week has gone by since that incident. No, not a week, a month actually.

You finished your project with Juyeon despite the fact that Sunwoo bailed at the last minute, and you've barely seen him since. He went charging after your mythology class friend to find his fox bead and gather the information you needed to prove his claims so he didn’t go far, it's just… been a moment since you’ve seen him.

You know for a fact that he’s still alive because every so often you’ll hear noises in your house while you're trying to sleep and hear the quite yet familiar tone of Sunwoo’s voice curse. But other than that? You don’t see him. Your life had gone back to normal as if you were never being hunted by a gumiho in the first place, as if you never met Sunwoo in the first place.

You did in fact get rid of that talisman though, just in case he came back and wasn’t watching his step.

“Maybe I just need to get out of the house,” you admitted to yourself, staring aimlessly at the ceiling of your room. “I don’t leave much anymore… Maybe Kevin wants to hang out or something?” You had to admit, you did not realize just how boring your life was outside of being associated with Sunwoo. Your days were nothing but wake up, go to class, come home, and repeat.

You reach for your phone amid the blankets folds, grumbling and mumbling to yourself only to grab a hold of it snatch it away from its prison. It was almost dead but that was your fault, you came in your room and immediately collapsed into the bedsheets without question. Where was your charger? Knowing yourself you probably left it in the living room without thinking, who would have known you were going to get up in the first place?

“It’s nearly midnight, Kevin is probably fast asleep by now,” you concluded, thinking about your words for a moment before a text appeared into your notification bar. “Oh, never mind.”

Though, it wasn’t the usual cryptic text you received from the boy. Actually it wasn’t Kevin at all, but it was Juyeon. The last time he had spoken to you over the phone first was when you blacked out after finding Sunwoo.

With your eyes glued to the bright white screen, you forced yourself out of the bed and practically leaped over to the living room to search for your charger with newfound energy. You reached over to flick the lights on but immediately backtracked when Juyeon started to call instead.

“Juyeon,” you start, trying to sound as normal as possible. “What brings you to my phone number tonight?”

“Can I be honest with you?” He questioned, his breaths sounding as though he was forcing them to be rhythmic and slow. You raise an eyebrow at his soft yet rather serious tone, this wasn’t a Juyeon you usually interacted with. “It’s… kinda important honestly.”

“Of course, we’re friends right? I mean… like class acquaintances… but friends nonetheless,” you agree and you might have mistaken his huff for a slightest scoff for a moment. You choose to point it out whether it was serious or not, “what's with that frustrated tone in your voice? Got an attitude or something?”

“No, no that’s not it,” he quickly countered, “it’s just that every time you say that we’re friends, you always have to mention the fact that we're just college friends. It’s a little bothersome sometimes.”

You raise a brow at his words, falling into the couch as you respond, “I mean… is that not what we are…?”

There was a pause on the other side of the phone and you patiently waited for the boy to give you a reply. Instead, he just jumped to the next topic. Typical conversation tactics of a man. “I have something for you and something to tell you, but it has to be done in person. It would feel right if it was over the phone. I was wondering if you would be free to come by the dorms sometime tomorrow?”

“That’s what you wanted to tell me in the middle of the night?” You teased, almost rolling your eyes at his decisions before answering him. “Sure, I don’t think I'll have any classes that afternoon so it should be fine.”

You could almost hear the smile on Juyeon’s face, “perfect! You have to come okay, no bailing out on me now. I’ll be waiting for you!”

You didn’t even bother answering him, slowly sitting up in your seat as goosebumps began to trail down your arms. “Y/N?” He questioned once he noticed your abnormal silence, “are you okay?”

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” the boy didn’t even get another word out of his mouth before you hung up on him, staring out the window of your apartment and trying your best to withhold a scream that wanted to escape. There in the corner of your window stood a figure, glowing amber yellow eyes piercing through the glass and staring straight into your soul. Unfortunately for you, you knew that amber yellow tint a little too well from your mythology studies and first hand experience.

Now you were regretting throwing away that talisman.

Though the fear that crept up your throat like bile dissipated within a moment as the light jingle of bells rang in your ear. The fox bead must be nearby, if you can hear it ringing then that means the gumiho was in the area.

You did have to be careful though, just because you could hear the fox bead didn’t necessarily mean that it was Sunwoo. After all, you haven’t seen him for about a month now. Who knows what could have happened to him… but let’s not let dark thoughts cloud the mind, right?

“Sunwoo…?” You hesitated, inching ever so slowly toward the window. You had to be careful, just because you saw a pair of glowing eyes didn't necessarily mean it was the gumiho you had come to know.

The figure didn’t respond though, in fact it barely moved from its position at the window. You stopped in your tracks, ready to run to your room for safety, when it teetered to the side before falling out of the frame. A loud thud could be heard as they fell to the ground and you finally sprung out of your seat to check. Don’t worry though, you were still extremely cautious going about your next actions.

You cracked open the door just slightly, peering your eye through the crevice to scope out the area. You didn’t exactly give yourself enough room to look around though, just barely seeing the moon’s shine on the night sky.

You were just being cautious! What if you need a quick escape back into your house because a gumiho suddenly attacked? You did live alone after all, who were you going to call if you got into trouble? Definitely not the police. Would they even believe you if you said a nine tailed fox was trying to—

“You suck at being stealthy,” your body was pulled across the doorway as the door opened wide, not even giving you a chance to react before you found yourself outside of your apartment. You looked up with a nervous grin on your face to see Sunwoo towering over you. “I’m surprised you haven’t been taken in as a gumiho’s latest feast yet.”

“You’re back,” you stand up tall, completely disregarding the nine tailed fox’s statement to talk about something else. “Where have you been? I mean— I know where you’ve been, don't get me wrong. But you were gone for a month! Any longer and I think I would have forgotten about you completely.”

“I was doing my job was I not?” He smiled, though it wasn’t his usually mischievous grin plastered onto his face. In fact, he looked a little… strained.

The way he was leaning onto the door and holding it steady so he barely had to move a muscle wasn’t helping his case either. “Now I’m back to have a nice comfortable rest, I’ll probably leave again tomorrow though, you know… gotta catch the gumiho!”

“Hold still for me,” you demanded, reaching out for his shirt collar to inspect something .

Sunwoo swiftly dodged your hand, moving away like it was a bullet coming straight for him. “I said hold still.”

“Why? Do we have a problem or something?” The gumiho asked, grabbing a hold of your curious hand this time with his free hand as Sunwoo let out a shameless giggle. “Did you miss me that much? One month away and now you can’t get your hands off of me!”

“I’m not trying to be handsy,” you scowl, pushing the door with your foot and watching Sunwoo stumble about for the loss of his support before taking his shirt collar in your hand, “I can tell your bleeding through your shirt.”

He winced as the fabric skidded against his skin, revealing the very fresh and oozing red blood that was spilling out of scar on his neck. No, it would be undermining the damage if you simply called it a scar. It was more like a wound, a wound that was rich with fresh blood and scaling down from his neck down to his side… who knew how far down it went actually.

That was just one injury you had spotted, but there were probably countless scars and wounds that dotted his skin.

Each one seemed to be of such increasing severity that it was making you nauseous. “How long have you been like this?” You asked, letting go of his shirt to save yourself from a possible black out. You made sure to grab onto Sunwoo’s arm after, seeing as he barely had enough energy to actually stand on his own.

“You’ve been gone for a month, please don’t tell me you’ve been this badly injured for a month,” you demanded, “I know you’re this… this crazy mythical creature and what not but the severity of those wounds… it’s bad, Sunwoo, even worse than when I first found you. You need to go to a hospital.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” the boy tried to reassure you, “I’m a gumiho, remember? I’m going to heal much faster than a mortal ever could so there’s no need to go to a hospital—“

“Sunwoo! Look at yourself!” You practically screech, letting go of him and watching the gumiho cling into your door frame for support. “You are hurt, Sunwoo, heavily, from your neck down. Any sane person, mythical or not, would know that you need to get proper treatment and not rely on my poor first aid knowledge and your resortive abilities!”

“For the last time, Y/N, no means no. I’m not going, everything will heal if you just give me time.” Sunwoo begged, on the verge of throwing a fit like a child at your constant nagging. He leaned up against the doorframe and slid down it with his arms crossed, a pinch of annoyance struggling to stay hidden behind his attitude.

You have to physically hold yourself back from wrapping your hands around his neck and wringing him out like a wet towel. If his wounds didn’t end up killing him then surely you would end up being the gumiho’s demise. “Fine, can you at least tell me why you’re injured and when all of this… happened?”

Sunwoo glanced toward you, resting his head in his hands as he thought about your words for a moment. You can see the usual mischief in his eyes as he did, the audacity of the gumiho to think that he wasn’t going to share this crucial information with you is absurd. “I hope you’re not in love with Juyeon, Y/N,” he told you, his eyes shifting into that amber yellow tint, “because you’re about to get your heart broken.”

You stood there for a moment, unsure of what to make of the gumiho’s words before it hit you. “Oh… you can’t be serious.”

[blues-fandom-bullshit]

'Normal' Meetings

Mono (Classic/Tale)- Will most likely happen when he's checking in on you during the night, or curious as to who he now has to protect in a state different then saving your ass from an animalistic werewolf.

You turned to look out the window, surprised for two reasons.

The first being it was already dark out. Had time really passed that much since you had put all your furniture in and had finally finsihed fully furnishing everything in your new house?

The second being the male peering through with wide, shocked sockets staring back at you, upside down, hanging off the side if the porch.

Then.. He fell..

After the momentary shock of what happened, you rushed outside to see if he was okay, and why he was peering into your house.

Mono now sat in the porch, rubbing his skull from the impact, before he jumped up.

"Are you okay? Are you alri-"

"Don't freak out human! I'm-"

You both cut each other off.

"Y-you go fi-" "No- you-" You both stammered to each other.

You gestured to him after a moment, to which he sighed.

"Human, I am a gargoyle. My name is Mono and I guard this house, its land, and now you." 'Mono' stated in a deep, raspy tone, before kneeling. Depsite his calm exterior, he was freaking out internally.

Humans weren't supposed to know he was alive, especially not on the first night.

"It is a pleasure to meet you, New Master." Mono said, his sudden sweet and polite tone sounding forced and too much effort put in.

The sudden title had you taken aback.

"You don't need to address me! I'm Name. Please, call me such." You responded, trying to ease the tense air as the slight shift in the gargoyle before you.

He raised his head, his sockets narrowed some as if he was studying your features for deciet. He was so uses to human supremacy. This was new..

"Please, just.. Is your head okay?" You asked, offering a smile. "And, thanks for saving me the other night.."

Maybe.. Maybe Mono could trust this human.

Talie (Puff/Tale)- Will more than likely be during a visit to the lake to unclog the water system behind the house and in the woods.

As you walked calmly through the trees, you couldn't help but feel eyes on you. It was.. Probably an animal! Yeah..

Upon reaching the lake, you sighed some, admiring the clear water with the small fish swimming around. Now just to figure how you could get to the water pump without much hassle.

Soon, you were waist deep in the water, wading towards the pipe cover in the muddy grounding when you suddenly noticed the water getting darker from more than just dirt.. Or rather a shadow looming over you in the now dark water.

A yell left your mouth as something wrapped around your waist and yanked you back.

"Human! Human! It's Okay!" A voice called, a pair of hands being placed in your shoulders as you were turned around to take in the sight of whoever now held you.

Your eyes widened as the large creature processed in your mind.

A large skeleton with a soft, sweet face with sharp canines.

Glancing down, you found orange tentacles wrapped around your waist.

Your mouth fell open as the skeleton was quick to start talking about before you screamed.

"Human! It's Okay! I Am Just Trying To Help!" He said quickly, swiftly pulling anither tentacle out of the water to reveal a snapping turtle in his grasp.

"You Were Only A Few Feet From Them And I Didn't Want You Losing A Toe!" He stated quickly, watching your expression go from shocked horror to scared realization.

He quickly put the turtle back into the water for them to swim baxk down stream.

Then, the skeleton released you.

"Human! I Can Finally See You! I'm Talie! The Great Talie!" He introduced, sticking out a hand eagerly for you to shake, as if kraken skeletons were an everyday occurrence to be caught by.

"N-Name.." You said back after a moment, regaining yourself as you shook his hand nervously.

"Well, Name, Do You Need Help?" Talie asked with a bright grin.

Envei (Berry/Swap)- After meeting two skeletons in such a close time, you decides to cool off in another pond, stripping from your outer clothing to a swimming suit.

As you got into the water, you relaxes around, wading and walking through the water for a while as you sughed happily.. Only for something to brush your legs as you jumped back.

A.. Another skeleton slowly emerged from the water, peeking his nasal up from the water as he stared at you with bright blue eyes.

You could see, on the sides of his head, were fins. Oh no.. Another one.. A.. Merman?

Before you could say anything, you found the skeleton sunk down into the pond, before suddenly appearing in front of you with an incredulous expression.

Before you could even breathe, the monster had let out a loud laugh as he placed his webbed hand onto your shoulders and waist, suddenly lifting you with and spinning you around like childhood friends.

You let out a yell which caught his attention, him setting you down with a bright smile.

"S-Sorry Human! I Can't Control Myself! You're The First I've Seen Of Your Species In A While And Now I Can Talk To You In Person! Gosh, You're Much More Attractive Up Close." He stated, getting closer to you, smirking to reveal his sharp teeth.

"Oh! My Manners!" He suddenly whispered to himself, backing up as his smirk turned to a grin.

"I'm Envei!" He introduced, quirking a brow encouragingly to your hesitance.

"...Are.. Are you a mermaid?" You couldn't help yourself. He was.. Intriguing?

"No. If I Was, I'd Be A Merman. I'm A Siren." He corrected, his tail swishing under the water eagerly. At your more concerned face, he quickly switched to reassurance. "But Don't Worry, I Don't Like Human! I Prefer Animals And Plants!" His voice was upbeat, but a but nervous as he fiddled some with his scarf.

"Name." You finally said after a moment, watching as he perked up some curiously. "That's my name, Envei."

This was the start of a long matches of water games and scares.

Taif (Stretch/Swap)- Will mostly occur when you're needing to go into the woods, wanting to gather some berries or something for a snack. However, that note was stuck in your head.

"A....Al?" You called, watching for a long moment, feeling stupid as you peered into the trees ahead as if something would happen.

Sighing some, you let the thought slip from your mind and prepared to take a step.

"Human! No!" A voice called, reaching for you and pulling you back before you could go into the vegetation.

Turning around, you saw another skeleton. This.. Wasn't as much as a shock since you'd figured out probably all of who you met that first night a week ago were skeletons.

"Never go that way! That's to Domni and Vipers caves." The skeleton stated, sockets wide and voice a bit frantic. Then, he processed your shocked expression as he realized he was still holding your shoulders tightly and quickly recoiled back.

"S-sorry.." He apologized, cradling his hands to his chest as he looked away, as if in shame.

After a moment, you regained yourself enough to talk. "Are you.. Al?" You ask softly, the skeleton glancing at you as he lifted his head some, and nodded. Offering him a small smile, you extended your hand.

"Name. It's a pleasure to meet you, Al."

'Al' was hesitant, before shaking your hand as he visibly relaxed.

"So, what're we looking for?" He asked, turning towards a different part of the forest.

Something felt off about him.. Like he wasn't telling the truth, but he held no malicious aura to him..

Domni (Red/Fell)- Oh boy.. There is no subtlety. He openly goes to your house to just straight up talk to you like you've been friends for a lifetime.

You were just chilling at you place, when you heard knocking on the door. That's.. Odd.. No one lives around here, and you hadn't ordered anything..

Maybe it was Mono, or Al? But, why would either of them need you?

Approaching the door, you hesitated a moment, before grabbing a hold of the doorknob. As soon as you started twisting, the door was pushed open and someone pushed into your house.

"Ah, so yer da human that pissed off my brother? Hah! Good one! Haven't seen 'im so mad since Undyne tried to take the guard position again!"

Okay, who was this jackass?

He pushed his way into your house to just start talking as if he hadn't just shoved his giant ass into someone else's house.

As you were about to say something, you froze at seeing his large wings and tail.

How the hell did you get into this situation? You asked yourself, the reality of the situation hitting you. Monsters aren't supposed to be real.. They're supposed to be myths.. Stories.. Tales..

Now you're surrounded by, as far as you could tell, about ten? All of which hadn't seemed to want to you around.. Except Talie and Envei, but even they seemed dangerous at some points.

Maybe it'd be better if you started packing now.. You honestly just wanted to get away from the city and stress, but got thrown into a fantasy world of hiding monster men.

"..an...-Hum... Human!" A voice boomed, you suddenly breaking from your thoughts to see the dragon character in your face, eyes narrowed and mouth pursed. "You alive in that head of yours?"

You blinked a bit, before jumping back as he snorted some from your momentary surprise.

"Yer a weird one." He commented, before chugging a.. Bottle of mustard?

"Hypocrite.." You muttered, to which he stopped drinking the condiment and eyed you as if in offense.

"What ya say?" He asked, words a bit incoherent some from yellow substance in his mouth.

"H-...Hypocrite." You repeated, getting a spurt of courage. "Hypocrite."

He scoffed in mock offense. "An' tell me how?"

Ugh, his voice was so annoying! Even if it was deep, with a rough edge and a brooklyn accent.. No! He was a major dick! "Firstly, you come into my house without permission, then take my stuff, and proceed to insult me. All within five minutes."

This actually seemed to get to him, him opening his mouth slightly as his sockets opened some as he seemed to visibly process his words.

His lips then curled up into a grin as he started laughing as if you'd said the worlds funniest joke. "I like ya human! Names Domni." He stated, grinning wider to shoe off his sharp teeth and golden tooth.

You crossed your arms at him, unimpressed with him as he looked around a bit. "What?" He asked, completely oblivious to your annoyance.

After a moment, you sighed and shook your head. "Name.."

Viper (Edge/Fell)- He.. He was forced to apologize to you genuinely by Domni after his brother had hung around you for while two weeks.

"I DON'T WANT TO! GET YOUR FLITHY HANDS OFF OF ME! SANS YOU ABSOLITE LIZARD!" A loud voice screeched out front from your house.

You were currently behind your house, talking with Talie and Envei at the lake at the back of your house. The boys sighed, parting goodbye with you as you left the water, them seeming to recognize the voice.

You'd been swimming to relax in the hot weather. The perk about living far off in the woods in near solitude? You could walk around in just a swimsuit without a Karen yelling at you or having the fear anyone would be watching.

As you rounded the house, wrapping a towel around your shoulders, you caught sight of Domni flying off. Quirking a brow some, your gaze landed on the half skeleton throwing a hissy fit as he waved his arms up and down angrily.

"YOU GODDAMNED, ABSOLUTE SWINE! I'LL KI..LL...YOu.. sans.." His, rather loud, voice fell to a whisper as his own gaze landed on your form.

His face flushed a nice shade of crimson as his pinprick trailed down your body, watching water slide down your skin.

During this, you took in the sight of his large snake lower half. Ruby red with black scales speckled here and there. Was that.. A pink underbelly?

Unlike him, you hand the decency not to state for too long. After a moment, you rose your hand to cough awkwardly into it as he finally shook himself from his trance.

"HUMAN! I AM THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE VIPER! MY BROTHER HAS BROUGHT ME HERE TO APOLOGIZE FOR TRYING TO ATTACK YOU. HOWEVER, I REFUSE AND HE CANNOT MAKE ME!" He declared, crossing his arms and looking away as his blush started to die down.

Watching him a moment, you outstretched your hand. "Name." You said simply, which made him gaknced at you and then do a double take.

"EXCUSE ME?" He asked, trying, and failing, to mask his tone of confusion.

"Name," You restated. "That's my name, Viper." You shook your hand some, as if to bring his attention back to it as he slowly pulled his own from his pouting and shook yours.

With that, you moved passed him and towards your door.

"HUMAN! WAIT!" He called as you opened the door. "TOMORROW. MIDDAY. JOIN ME FOR SOME TEA." He.. Offered? Ordered? Either way, he was too intimidating to say no.

Centri (Black/SwapFell R)- You ended up meeting him after your tea meeting with Viper, actually.

Walking back from Vipers cave den at the base of the cliffside when something straight up duve bombed you to the ground.

"GOD DAMMIT! IT'S YOU AGAIN! ARE YOU TRYING TO GET YOURSELF KILLED?!" A loud voice yelled at you, making you wince some from the vokume as the weight got off you.

Sitting forward, you were greeted by Feathers, the guy who pushed that very weird skeleton off of you that first night.

"WELL?" He squawked, eyeing you like an upset parent, including crossing his arms as his wings folded behind him.

"I-I.. U-uh-um.." You stammered, looking down. He sighed, pulling you to your feet.

"ARE YOU CURIOUS, COURAGOUS, OR JUST PLAIN STUPUD?" He asked, before continuing without waiting. "NO HUMAN IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD CONSCIOUSLY AND WILLINGLY STAY IN THIS FOREST! I WOULD HAVE EXPECTED HUMANS TO HAVE SOME SENSE, BUT AP-" "Thank you." "-LY YOU- .....WHAT?"

"Thank you." You repeated.

He stared at you a moment, slow to processing this.

"For saving me that night," You elaborated. "I might of died if it weren't for you."

This made a deep blush rise to the surface of his face as his sockets widened and he stammered. Did his wings just puff up?

After he regained himself seeing you laugh a bit, smiling some, he crosses his arms and looked to the side with his sockets closed. "O-OF COURSE! I COULDN'T LET AN I-IDIOT HUMAN LIKE YOURSELF DIE! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG SO FAR."

Was that a compliment? An insult? Was everyone here confusing?

Monsters were supposed to be evil and bloodthirsty.. Well, Viper did try to kill you..

"IT WAS YOUR FAULT." His voice echoed in your head.

He then dropped his stubbornness in his stroked ego and stuck out a hand. "CENTRI. THE GREAT HARPY CENTRI."

Harpy? Weren't harpies all female? And were their wings attatched to their arms? Why were you questioning? Everything was weird and confusing here.

"Name." You responded.

Centri scoffed. "What?" You asked.

"NO TITLE? *SIGH* YOU HUMANS AREN'T ANY FUN. THE MARVELOUS NAME? THE AMUSING NAME? NOTHING?"

You gave him an odd look. "Those make me sound like a kids show magician." You commented, which made him laugh some.

"THE AMUSING NAME IT IS."

"W-what?"

Relib (Mutt/SwapFell R)- Most likely the only -partially normal- one of the group when it comes to meeting him.

You really needed a chill day..

Talie and Envei were constantly trying to get you to explore the far ends of the forest with them. Taif and Mono.. Were pretty chill. But those reptile brothers were constantly on your ass about doing something, agreeing with one and not the other, deciding who's right and who's wrong, who woukd hang at with you at one day and the other.

They were exhausting, and it was hard for you to say no to them, especially being new neighbors.

So, when you heard a knock on the door, you groaned some, sinking into your chair before the sound of the knock and outside processed. Quiet. Both of them. The knock was shaky, quiet, and the sound from your porch was.. Silent.

Standing, you approached the door and slowly opened it, revealing a.. Tall skeleton monster.

Gee, really narrows that down. But, this one had.. Two tails? And.. Ears? Was that a gypsy outfit?

The monster, upon realizing the door wss open, squeaked some as he straightened his posture. His fave was also flushed a rusty color..

"Hello?" You said after a moment, which made him jolt some before thrusting a thermos your way.

"H-here! Coffee!"

Taking the thermos, since there was seemingly no other option. "Thanks..?" What a strange fellow..

After you two stood there a moment, he finally seemes to break his awkward and tense shell. "I'm Relib!" He stated, pushing his hand to you to shake, which you did.

"Name," You replied, watching as he visibly relaxed.

"S-sorry.. I-its just.. I haven't seen anyone new around here in.. A while.." He managed out through a quiet voice as he fiddled with his hands, looking down at them. Aw.. His ears even folded down..

"It's fine, Relib. Why not come in?" You offered, to which he seemed surprised, before shaking nodding and giving a small smile.

Inten (Crooks/Horror)- Probably the most energetic out of all of them. And the most sudden heart attack you've ever had from shock.

You had just been walking in the forest, exploring, when suddenly you were in the arms of someone with wind rushing passed you.

Disoriented, you ended up looking down.. Only to see forest hundreds of yards below..

Squeaking, you clung onto whiever had you tightly as you finally processed them laughing and cheering.

"I've Caught A Human! Yes! Human!" The male voice cheered down to you, making you look up from clinging to him as he processed your scared look and his excited expression left to concern then sympathy as he.. Dive bombed down towards the ground before opening his large, black wings and flying through the trees.

"Better Human?" He asked, to which you nodded some, body tense from the stranger that just picked you up and took you so far high you felt like death and swooped down and carried you away.

It was then he came to his senses. "Oh! My Apologies, Human! I Could Have Thought Ren Had Killed You The Other Night.. Oh Well, Must Have Been Someone Else." His words.. Did not appease your spinning mind.

"Oh! I'm Inten! The Great Inten!" He introduced, landing on the forest floor as he switched to holding you bridal style instead of by the waust to his body. "So, Human. What Shall We Call You?"

"N-Name.." You manage, still dizzy from the suddeness of what's happened.

"Name.. Hm.. I Like It! Now. Would You Like Some Cookies?"

Ren (Axe/Horror)- It's.. Unconventional..

You honestly just wanted a calm night.. A relaxing weekend.. But every night a large creature was peering through the windows, scratching at doors or even trying to scale walls.

It was terrifying to say the least. And Mono just told you to stay inside and ignore it. It wasn't anything that could break in.

It always seemed like he was lying.. He said before he was to protect the land and the grounds owner, but he seemed to just tell you moments too late or just half hearted advice of safety, like he couldn't care if you died or not.

Then again you were a grown person and that was just anorher unnecessary chore added to his.

Well, after a few night you decides to hang out in the oorch and just admire the stars above from the porch. You never saw them in the city, and it was mesmerizing. Maybe that's why you nearly screamed at the creeping figure slowly climbing over the side of your porches banister and closing in on you.

Instinctively, you bolted for the door, but that snapped the large, large creature from their trance and pouncing on you as a scream tore from your throat.

This was it.. You were a deadman.. A goner..

Well.. Not exactly.

As you bid the world farewell, you felt a face pressed into your neck, giving in because there was no way this amount of strength could be broken from.

Well.. Death wasn't exactly in the near future.

Yes, a face was buried in between your neck and shoulder and a massive weight was on you, but.. No teeth sunk in, or claws drew lines down your body.

Instead, you heard a deep inhale and the weight of whoever was on you lessened as they relaxed.

Your fave flushed as your mouth released a squeak as a tongue licmed at your skin and a fluffy mass swept over your legs, which made a deep.. Purr? Growl? Chuckle..? Escape the beings throat as boney hands grabbed your shoulders as whoever this was sat up and held your -in comparison- tiny figure to their chest.

Looking up, you saw it was the same skeleton that attacked you up on the cliff side the first night, skull opening and all.

At seeing you look up to his face, a small grin broke across his face and his large eyelight softened as he nuzzled his nasal into your head.

Only seconds later did you see Mono, Al, Viper, Domni, and Inten appearing in the clearing with varying looks of concern on their faces that quickly melted to shock at your state.

A small human wrapped in the bulky arms of one of- scratch that! The most dangerous and unstable monster in these forests that seemed to just melt from that normally snarling and absolutely feral werewolf.

When you reached towards your friend group as a silent plea for help, Al stepping forward with immediately made the skeleton holding you snap his hesd up as his single eae folded back and he bared his sharp teeth while tightening his already strong grip around you, threatening anyone that got closer.

Al got the message and tool two steps back, which made the wolf holding you turn away some.

"Brother!" Inten suddenly gasped, as if processing finally what's happened. "What Are You Doing?" He asked, partially exasperated as he approaches the living prison holding your frame without a hostile wanting this time.

When Inten tries to reach for you, his brother only tugged you away and wrapped his large around around you more while hunching over, before lifting his shirt and pushing you into his ribcage and even zipping up the puffy jacket he wore to ensure your stuck.

"Brother! You Can't Just Keep That Human!" Inten scolded lightly, his vocie muffled by the barriers.

It was pretty warm in here.. And oddly comfortable.. But.. A red light illuminated the area. Looking up, a floating heart was above, cracked. Something told you not to touch the heart at all.

"HUMAN! WE'LL GET YOU OUT SOON!" Vipers loud vocie called from afar.

"We'll Have To Wait All Night Now.." Inten huffed.

"Dammit Ren.." Mono's voice came, a harsh, barely mutter.

Well.. Lets say when you woke up, a whining and desperate werewolf was searching for you while Mono secured windows and doors.

[inawickedlittletown]

I’m With You (3/?)

Summary:

Having a crush was nothing to be ashamed of...lying to the family and friends of said crush about being the guy’s boyfriend, that was a whole other problem. When Buck saves the life of Andrew Diaz and accidentally makes a nurse think that he’s Andrew’s boyfriend, Buck soon finds himself lying to Andrew’s firefighter friends/coworkers as well as Andrew’s family including Andrew’s very suspicious and attractive brother, Eddie.

Based on the 1995 movie While You Were Sleeping.

Words: 4,366

Notes: I updated the fic summary since I wasn't too happy with what I had originally. We finally have some Eddie in this chapter. Enjoy. :)

Read on Ao3

Masterpost

Previous Chapter

--

When Eddie first heard that his brother was in the hospital, he thought it was something to do with a call gone wrong. They were firefighters, ending up at the hospital as a job hazard and everyone knew that Andrew was a bit reckless. What he didn’t expect was for some weird accident while he was picking up coffee to be the reason. 

“But he’s going to be fine, Eddie,” Bobby told him. “The doctors all say he will wake up soon.” 

Looking at Andrew on the bed, his skin paler than normal and a cannula in his nose, an IV line connecting him to fluids, and a rather large bump on the back of his head, it made Eddie want to punch something.  

It was later when he’d stopped by his abuela’s house that he got other details of what happened when she started telling him about the lovely young man that had saved Andrew’s life which would have been fine until Pepa chimed in to tell Eddie that the guy was also Andrew’s boyfriend. 

“Uh, no. No, that can’t be.” 

“No, Eddie, es verdad,” abuela said. “El estaba ahí cuando fuimos a verlo.”

[“No, Eddie, it’s true,” abuela said. “He was there when we went to see him.”]

Eddie just didn’t buy it. Andrew was straight. He was as straight as Eddie was not and so there was no way that Andrew had a boyfriend. Andrew did not like men in any romantic or sexual capacity — that was Eddie’s purview.

“Maybe this reaction is why he kept him from us, Eddie,” Pepa said when Eddie expressed that. 

Or he was some sort of scam artist. Maybe even responsible for Andrew being in the hospital in the first place. It made Eddie just a little annoyed that it had all happened on the one day that Eddie was off work because everyone else seemed to believe the whole boyfriend story. Even Bobby. But Eddie hadn’t been there to see the guy and find out for himself if he was somehow telling the truth or just bullshitting all of them. 

The next morning, he went into the hospital with Pepa and abuela. The boyfriend wasn’t there and they didn’t see him at all the entire time that they were there. That felt suspicious to Eddie as well. 

“And if he’s his boyfriend, then where even is he?” Eddie asked eventually. “Shouldn’t he be here?” 

“You’ll meet him soon enough, Eddie. And then you can stop being so damn suspicious,” Pepa had said, pinching his arm for good measure. “He’s coming over for dinner at Bobby and Athena’s tonight. And don’t agitate your abuela.”

“I’m not—”

But maybe he was, after all she was probably already stressed out about Andrew being in the hospital and Eddie really couldn’t be adding on to that. His abuela was getting older and she wasn’t exactly in perfect health. So, he kept his suspicions to himself and listened to the doctor when he filled them in on what was going on with Andrew. His coma and their optimistic expectations that Andrew would wake up with all his capacities when he did. When Bobby and Athena stopped by he tried to ask them about Buck — and who the hell was named Buck? — but they both seemed just as taken with the guy. 

When he spoke to Hen and Chim about it, neither seemed to find anything suspicious. 

“Sexuality is fluid, Eddie. The two of us know that, don’t we? Maybe that reaction is what’s kept him from telling us about Buck this whole time,” Hen said. “People can figure out things about themselves at any point in their lives.” 

Eddie let it drop. The thing about it was that nobody knew Andrew as well as Eddie did. Andrew was his little brother and Eddie knew the ins and outs of the way his brother thought and the things that made him who he was and Eddie knew that Andrew was straight. 

“And he did save him,” Chim added. “I talked to the 115, they were the ones on the scene and Buck literally pulled Andrew out of oncoming traffic and he did everything he could to make sure that he’d be okay. If nothing else, we have to be thankful for that.” 

But when he asked any of them for more information on the guy no one had any idea. Athena hadn’t even bothered to run a background check. All they seemed to know was his name. Evan Buckley. He liked to be called Buck. No one even knew what he did for a living. 

What Eddie failed to expect was for Buck to be so gorgeous. He was handsome and cute rolled into one. His eyes were blue and expressive and Eddie was a sucker for blue eyes and this guy had the prettiest eyes. And then Buck was smiling at his aunt and when he smiled he looked even more beautiful. On his left eyebrow there was something that looked like a scar, but it only served to make him more interesting. More alluring. 

After Buck finished hugging Pepa, she led him towards abuela and he bestowed another brilliant smile her way before he bent down and kissed her cheek and abuela just pet Buck’s cheek and said something that made him grin even more before he laughed. His laugh was even captivating because it was genuine. 

“Hey, man,” Chimney said. “Glad you made it.” 

Buck nodded at him and then Pepa led him away towards the kitchen and it gave Eddie the time to compose himself because it wasn’t fair that that guy was Andrew’s boyfriend. And Eddie was maybe more wont to believe that Andrew was at least bi-curious after seeing the man that may have led to the curiosity. It didn’t make it fair that his brother could have managed to get someone like that to go out with him.  

“Eddie, estas bien?” 

[“Eddie, are you okay?”]

“Si. Si, abuela. Solo...no pensé que el novio de Andrew y va ser—”

[“Yes. Yes, abuela. It’s just...I didn’t think that Andrew’s boyfriend was going to be—”]

“So handsome?” abuela asked. “And he is, isn’t he?” 

Eddie coughed. “Abuela!” 

She just laughed. “Oh, calm down, Eddito. I’m just having a bit of fun. You know, it did surprise all of us.”

“I know,” Eddie said and he was sure that abuela was thinking about the big conversation that Eddie had had with his family when he realized he was bisexual and wanted to tell them. 

He’d made such a big deal of it back then and as worried as he’d been about negative reactions, Eddie had expected at least his brother to remain at his side. Instead, the whole family had been accepting and understanding even if the word bisexuality was a bit foreign for some of them. 

“And, you know, it’s probably about time that you start looking for someone new,” abuela said. “Like your brother did.”

Eddie heard that from her every once in a while and he knew it was because she meant well. She’d nagged Andrew about it plenty too but now he was clearly winning since he had a boyfriend. One that abuela liked too. 

Buck was in the kitchen talking to Bobby. Athena had gone over to join them at some point and apparently Buck already had them under his charm going by the way that they were smiling and laughing. He seemed to just fit in. 

“Daddy,” Christopher said and Eddie’s attention shot to his son. 

Christopher was pretty much Eddie’s reason to live. He was his entire world in the form of one tiny human person. 

“Yeah?” 

“I’m thirsty.” 

Christopher had been busy coloring with Harry pretty much from the moment they arrived at the Grant-Nash house. They were making “Get Well” cards for Andrew. It was a nice sentiment seeing as no one knew for sure when Andrew would be waking up. The doctors were just positive that he would. 

“Okay, buddy. I’ll get you some juice,” Eddie said and he ruffled Christopher’s curls. 

Christopher didn’t even fight him on it. 

“You boys want anything?” Eddie asked Harry and Denny. 

They both shook their heads.  

Eddie didn’t even think about how Buck was in the kitchen when he headed that way until he was a few feet away from him. But Eddie figured that he would need to meet him eventually. After all this was Andrew’s boyfriend and apparently his possible future fiance. 

“Oh, Eddie,” Athena said. “I don’t think you’ve met Buck yet. Or have you?”

Eddie hadn’t even made it to the fridge. 

“I haven’t,” Eddie said. 

Buck turned his attention on him, his eyes were so blue and his lips were quirked up into a smile as he extended a hand towards Eddie. Buck had a strong handshake, his hands were big and strong but the hand fell away a few seconds later. 

“Well, I’m Buck,” Buck said. “And from the resemblance, I take it you’re related to Andrew.”

“I’m his brother,” Eddie said. “I guess I should be thanking you for saving his life.” 

Buck’s cheeks tinged pink. It was interesting, the way that he seemed to get a bit bashful. His face turned down and he looked up at Eddie through his eyelashes. 

“Anyone would have—”

“No, they wouldn’t have,” Eddie said.

Athena nodded in agreement just as Eddie heard the clinks of his son’s crutches and then Christopher was at his side, an arm wrapped around Eddie’s legs. 

“Daddy, where’s my juice?” 

“Oh. I’m so sorry, kiddo. I’ll get that for you right now.” 

He walked over to the fridge and left Christopher. It was when he turned back around that he found Buck crouched down to Christopher’s level and Christopher was giggling a bit and although Eddie couldn’t see him, he was sure that Buck was smiling. 

“Here you are, bud,” Eddie said, returning with a juice box in hand 

“Thank you,” Christopher said. “See you later, Buck” Christopher then turned away and walked back to where the other kids were.  

“You have an adorable son,” Buck said. “I, um, I love kids.”

Of course he did. But Andrew didn’t. Andrew hated kids. He barely tolerated Christopher, Denny, and Harry. Everyone knew better than to ask Andrew to babysit, he was a last resort and even then you had to be desperate. Andrew was just not the kid person. He wasn’t even a pet person. 

“I love that one,” Eddie said and it sounded lame to him even after he said it. 

“Yes. I imagine so,” Buck said with a grin and then he turned towards Bobby. “Everything smells delicious.” 

“Just wait until you try it,” Athena said. “My husband is an amazing cook.” 

“Well, is there anything I can do to help?” Buck asked. 

Athena shook her head and she wrapped a hand on Buck’s bicep. “No. No. You should come sit. We can have a chat and really get to know each other. We’ve been dying to find out more about you.” 

Eddie watched as Buck was led away before he turned to Bobby. “So, what do you think of him?” 

“I think he’s a good kid. Why? Do you not like him?”

It wasn’t that Eddie didn’t like him. That wasn’t the problem at all. “No,” Eddie said. “I just...I wonder if he’s too good to be true. None of us have heard of him and Andrew’s never dated men before. I just wonder if there isn’t anything more to him.” 

“So, he’s too likable,” Bobby said with a chuckle. 

Eddie shrugged. There was just — something about the whole thing didn’t add up. Eddie couldn’t help it that he was suspicious. 

—-

Buck wasn’t going to tell them. It was just too hard. They were all just too nice and everyone seemed to be having a good time in spite of Andrew being in the hospital still and Buck just couldn’t rain on the happiness. He couldn’t be the person that ruined the night for everyone. Isabel seemed to be doing okay and when Pepa took him over to Bobby in the kitchen, Buck had felt himself relax a little because Bobby had this welcoming energy that made it easier to be there. 

“How are you doing?” Bobby asked. 

“Good. Good. Just—”

“Overwhelmed,” Bobby said. “I know it’s a lot of us. The firehouse is like a family.”

Buck glanced back and he could see it. They were exactly like a family. “It’s nice,” he said. “I, um, I don’t really have much family. So this is...it’s not something I’m used to.” 

“Well, I think you’re part of this now, Buck,” Athena said, smiling at him. Gone was the intimidating police officer that he’d met at the hospital. Maybe it was to do with the lack of uniform, or more that she was looking at him without any suspicion and warmth. 

���You are,” Pepa said. 

He wasn’t though. He had no right to them or to the way that they were including him. Pepa smiled at him once more and then excused herself, leaving him with Athena and Bobby. 

“So, what do you do, Buck?” Athena asked. 

“I’m a barista,” Buck said. 

“Coffee Time,” Bobby said. 

Buck nodded. “It’s just for now. While I try and figure out what I want to do with myself.” 

He always said that because he knew how it sounded to be just a barista at a coffee shop. It was also true. Buck wanted more than just that for himself, it was just that he didn’t know what more meant. He’d been sort of stuck on that for a while too. 

“Oh, Eddie,” Athena said. 

Buck’s attention switched from Bobby to Athena and the man that had entered the kitchen. Eddie.  

“I don’t think you’ve met Buck yet. Or have you?” Athena asked. 

“I haven’t,” Eddie said. 

He was attractive. There was a resemblance to Andrew there, Buck could tell, but he was also something else entirely. He had this strong jaw line and it was currently covered in scruff. His hair was swept back but it looked soft and fluffy. His eyes were a beautiful brown and they were boring into Buck as if they were seeing right through him. 

Buck extended his hand out to him. “Well, I’m Buck,” Buck said. “And from the resemblance, I take it you’re related to Andrew.”

“I’m his brother. I guess I should be thanking you for saving his life.” 

Saving his life, lying about being his boyfriend, keeping up the lie and being a coward about telling the truth. Yes, he really did deserve all the thanks. He ducked his head, unable to meet Eddie’s eyes but then he had to look back up at him. 

“Anyone would have—”

“No, they wouldn’t have,” Eddie said, cutting him off. There was a shortness to the way that Eddie spoke but it was masked with a strange politeness. Buck had no idea what to make of it. 

Buck saw Athena nod and then just behind Eddie one of the kids came, using forearm crutches and going as fast as he could to reach Eddie and wrap an arm around Eddie’s legs. He was a cute kid and his voice was soft and just a little raspy. Atop his head was a mess of curls and he had glasses strapped to his face. 

“Daddy, where’s my juice?” 

“Oh. I’m so sorry, kiddo. I’ll get that for you right now,” Eddie said. 

He turned away, leaving the boy behind and Buck...well, he loved kids and this one was adorable and staring at him now that he had a clear sight of Buck. 

“Who are you?” the boy asked. 

Buck raised an eyebrow and then he bent down to his level. “Hi. I’m Buck. And you are?” 

“Christopher,” the boy said. 

“That’s a good name,” Buck said. 

“Buck’s a silly name,” Christopher said, so completely candid and childlike that Buck couldn’t help but laugh. 

“It’s a nickname,” Buck explained. 

“Oh,” Christopher said and he looked like he was thinking. “Kinda like when tio calls my daddy idiota?” 

Buck couldn’t help but laugh and Christopher giggled with him and Buck was pretty much sure that Christopher knew exactly what ‘idiota’ meant so that made him not only cute but smart too and funny. 

“Not quite,” Buck said but he couldn’t stop smiling. 

Christopher just giggled some more. “I’m not supposed to call him that,” he whispered to Buck. 

“I won’t tell,” Buck said and winked for the proper effect. 

“Here you are, bud,” Eddie said, holding out the juice box to Christopher. 

Buck stood up. 

“Thank you,” Christopher said as he took it. He walked away without saying anything else. 

“You have an adorable son,” Buck said. “I, um, I love kids.”

“I love that one,” Eddie said. 

“Yes. I imagine so,” Buck said with a grin. He couldn’t imagine that anyone wouldn’t love Christopher. 

After being pulled away from the kitchen by Athena, Buck got to meet Athena’s kids. There was May who was just short of turning 18. She was nice and friendly and reminded Buck of her mom. Harry, her younger brother said hello before turning back to coloring something with Christopher and Denny. Athena then introduced him to Michael, her ex-husband and it was a little odd for Buck to see how well they got on. 

It was as they were walking away that Athena explained. “He, uh, he’s gay. Was lying to himself about it and I guess to me for a long time but he’s still one of my best friends and the father of my children.” 

And that was why none of these people had probably even blinked at the possibility that Andrew was interested in men when he hadn’t been before. 

“It wasn’t always easy,” Athena said. “But things are better now.”

 They wound up sitting by Hen and Karen.

“So tell us about yourself, Buck? We really know nothing about you,” Hen said. 

“And maybe he’s not here to be questioned by everyone,” Karen said and she nudged Hen.

“No, it’s, uh, it’s okay,” Buck said. “What do you...what do you want to know?” 

He was opening up a can of worms. He was being so stupid at the moment, thinking that he could just keep pretending and keep taking their kindness and the way that they were being so welcoming. It would blow up in his face, he knew, but somehow he still wanted to just enjoy what he could get. 

“I’m a barista,” Buck said. “I was a bartender before that and so many other things. I still don’t really know what I want to do.”

“I was just like you,” Hen said, “before I figured out that what I wanted was to help people. So I became a paramedic and a firefighter. Before that I didn’t really feel like myself, I guess.”

“That’s sort of what I need,” Buck admitted. “Maybe I’ll figure it out one day.”

Hen smiled at him. “You will.” 

“And how did you and Andrew meet?” Karen asked.

“So much for not questioning him,” Hen muttered.

Buck smiled at them. “Uh, he came into my job and I mean you’ve all seen him. Hard not to want to get to know someone like that.”

Except that he was a coward and he’d never once made the attempt to actually speak to Andrew. Things might have been different if he did. Or maybe they wouldn’t have been but either way, Buck might have been better equipped to talk about Andrew as if he knew him. 

“So we talked a few times and hung out and here we are,” Buck said. 

“And he never once mentioned you to us,” Hen said. 

“I — I don’t know why he didn’t,” Buck said. 

Somehow the conversation fell off of him, then, and Hen started telling them about one of the 9-1-1 calls they had responded to recently. Buck listened enraptured in the story. He could feel the adrenaline in Hen’s words as she talked about the fire and when Chim joined them and brought in his part of it, it really made the story even that more vivid. 

“And in the end, no casualties,” Chimney said. “Just a bit of smoke inhalation.”

When dinner was ready, Buck helped Athena with the table. It expanded to fit more people and Athena had him help with getting the table ready. The kids — including May — stayed in the living room eating at the coffee table as everyone else moved over to the table. Somehow, Buck wound up sitting next to Eddie and across from Pepa and Isabel. Chim was on his other side and he’d wiggled his eyebrows at Buck when he sat down as if asking if Buck was going to tell the truth. But he just couldn’t. He just hoped that Chimney wouldn’t judge him too hard over it. Instead, he just joined in on whatever they were discussing. 

He learned that Chimney had once been in an accident on the freeway that involved rebarb going through his head and that he’d somehow survived it and come out of it just fine. 

“One month recovery time,” Chimney said. 

“Yes, he likes to brag about that,” Eddie said with a chuckle.

Eddie didn’t say much. He either nodded in agreement or added a thought here or there, but mostly he listened. Buck couldn’t tell if that was because he was distracted by making sure his son was okay or because he was just a quiet person.

“Well, I just gotta say this food is amazing, Bobby,” Buck said halfway through dinner. 

Bobby had made spaghetti with meatballs and Buck could tell that Bobby had even made the sauce. 

“Thank you,” Bobby said. 

“First homemade meal I’ve had in a while,” Buck said. “I’m hopeless in the kitchen.” 

The others chuckled at that. 

“Good thing you have Andrew, then,” Eddie said. 

“Uh, yeah. I guess I am,” Buck said and because it had been implied. “He’s good in the kitchen. One of us has to be.” 

Chimney gave him a subtle shake of the head which was how Buck knew he’d put his foot in it. When he looked at Eddie, Eddie looked calculating, like he was trying to figure it out. And he was closer to the truth than any of the others. It could have made for the perfect moment to come clean, except that Buck just couldn’t do it. Instead, he decided to explain. 

“What?” Buck asked. “Is he not a good cook?” He was practically holding his breath. 

“That boy would burn water,” Pepa said. 

Buck gasped and he laughed. He had to come up with something quickly and he hoped that they would buy it. “So I guess when he told me he cooked us dinner he was just pretending it was him that cooked it.” 

Hen cackled at that. Buck heard Chim let out a sigh. Mostly, Buck felt like he was in over his head. There would be other questions and other details that Buck would be guessing at and probably not getting right. This was just the first. He really needed to come clean. And soon. 

“That sounds like Andrew,” Hen said. “I guess he was trying to impress you.” 

Buck shrugged his shoulders. “Well, he did.” 

—-

Eddie was still suspicious. It wasn’t that Buck wasn’t likeable. He was friendly and nice and charismatic and Eddie could see exactly why everyone else already liked him and accepted that he was Andrew’s boyfriend. Eddie still couldn’t buy that his brother would date a man. He knew Andrew too well to believe that his brother would ever be attracted to a man, even one as gorgeous as Buck. And yet trying to catch Buck out with a simple comment about cooking skills did nothing but endear Buck to everyone else because Andrew would fake cooking skills to impress someone. Actually, Eddie was pretty sure that his brother had done that on a few occasions with girls. But never a guy because Andrew was as heterosexual as they came. 

After they finished dinner and Buck tried to help with clean up but was refused, Eddie found himself sitting with Hen in the living room. He spotted Buck talking to May and Michael and from what he could hear it was about college applications. But what did someone that worked as a barista know about college? It was a bit of a judgemental thought and Eddie disliked himself a little for it. 

“You don’t like him,” Hen said. 

“I just can’t buy that Andrew would date a guy. We all know him, Hen, and he’s very very straight. And not only that, but he’s not exactly the relationship type or a kid person. So even if he is, I don’t know, bi or whatever, this still makes no sense. This guy — Buck — he doesn’t make sense for Andrew.”

“Eddie, come on,” Hen said. “People change and grow and maybe you acting this way is what kept your brother from telling us about Buck in the first place.” 

“There’s change and then there’s this,” Eddie said. “Just look at Buck and who he is.”

Buck was at that moment talking to the kids and looking at the cards they had finished making. The way that he was with the kids, it was so obvious that he was someone that enjoyed spending time with children. Eddie couldn’t remember ever seeing his brother acting that way with the kids with genuine interest and care. 

“He isn’t remotely Andrew’s type without even considering that he has a dick,” Eddie said to Hen. 

Eddie knew he had a point. Andrew was just...he was Eddie’s brother and Eddie knew him and Buck didn’t make sense in relation to Andrew. 

“So why do you think he’s here then?” Hen asked, motioning to Buck who had somehow ended up helping Christopher pick up some crayons that rolled onto the floor. 

“I don’t know,” Eddie said. “But I’m going to find out.” 

--

Next Chapter

Notes: I had a lot of fun writing the Eddie bits in this one. Let me know what you all thought! :)

[shibuemiyuu]

Desires - Hakuoki Fanfiction - Chapter 9

Here’s another chapter! I want to thank for all the reader for giving a chance to read my story. I forgot to say that start from the previous chapter (chapter 8), the story will roll into the angst one. And in this chapter something important will be revealed that will be the main key of Hijikata and Chizuru’s s situation. 

Even if we know that Chizuru is in love with Hijikata, but I don't think that the need to be near and the weird tension in the Shinsengumi is something just from their unsolved situation. For me it's a little bit weird if there is no some solid explanation behind that.

And also thanks to @impracticaldemon for the editing on this chapter (no matter when, thank you for the help Oni-chan!)

Let’s get on with the story. May you enjoyed then :3

Chapter of the stories:

Prequel - Prologue - I - II - III - IV - V - VI - VII - VIII

@hijichiweek @kirakirachiizuru

-IX-

"Phew~!"

That was the first word Sen spoke after she sat inside Chizuru's room. The owner of the room sat next to the princess. And her bodyguard was waiting outside the room.

"The tension inside that room is suffocating. I can hardly breathe inside." Sen inhaled a deep breath and exhaled it out in relief. "Their reaction was not the one I expected. I thought that they would agree to the offer. They kind of give off an aura that they don't want to get involved with an oni matter. I guess, your bond with the Shinsengumi is not something I put into the equation."

Sen was less formal now that they were not in the same room with the captains. Chizuru smiled when she remembered the captains' reaction. "Yeah. I guess you are right. And, um… I'm sorry. You know, they said some pretty mean things to you earlier."

"It's okay. Like I said, I didn't know that your bonds with the Shinsengumi were pretty deep. Don't sweat it." Sen gave an easy smile to Chizuru. "So… Enough about them. We are here to talk about you. How about you Chizuru-chan? Have you given any thought to my offer? Do you want to leave with me or not?"

Chizuru indeed had a thought about the offer. The problem was she didn't know what she should do regarding the matter. If the princess had come to ask her when she had first arrived in Kyoto, she would have gladly taken the offer and gone with her, leaving the Shinsengumi. If only she had met the princess much earlier before the things in the past months had happened… No, if only Sen had met her before she bonded with the Shinsengumi members, before she fell for the oni fukuchou…

Chizuru went into silent mode and Sen looked at her face with concern. "Chizuru-chan?"

Chizuru snapped from her thoughts when she heard Sen call her name, "U-um… Osen-chan. About your offer…. Honestly, I don't know." She cast her eyes to the ground and muttered her confusion softly.

Sen took one of Chizuru's hands and gave a light squeeze to her confused friend. "Chizuru-chan, the Shinsengumi seems to believe that they can protect you from Kazama. I acknowledge their dedication, but like I have said before, I doubt their ability against an oni strength. I'm not sugarcoating it, but the oni power is not something humans should underestimate. The reason why the Yukimura clan was murdered was because the humans that knew about them were afraid of them. We can overpower them easily. And knowing of Kazama's character, they can get killed when they are defending you from him. I know you will feel devastated if that happens."

Chizuru lifted her eyes and looked at Sen. What Sen had said was true, she had acknowledged it. The right thing that she had to do was leave the Shinsengumi. From several encounters with Kazama, she knew that Kazama was indeed extraordinary. And after the confirmation that he was oni, she wasn't surprised. Maybe because she and Kazama were both oni, she could feel his big power and strength emanating from him. Even before she knew that they were oni. If Kazama became serious and attacked the Shinsengumi… she didn't want to imagine it.

She knew it, she realized it. Still…

"Chizuru-chan!" Sen called her name and shook her a little, pulled her from her deep thought. "Why are you looking so, I don't know, like you want to cry. You're so drawn into your thoughts that you didn't realize I have called your name a few times…. Why are you finding it so hard to decide?" Sen looked at Chizuru with a meaningful gaze. "Is there something that you want to tell me?" Sen said in a solemn tone.

"I-I…" Chizuru tried to speak, but in the end, she just stayed silent. She averted her gaze from Sen and pulled her hands back to her lap. Sen didn't question why Chizuru pulled back her hands from her. She didn't want to force Chizuru to speak. She could feel that there was something that made Chizuru so reluctant form leaving the Shinsengumi. And whatever it was, it was not an easy matter to talk about. She waited in patience.

Chizuru was struggling with her thoughts, whether she should tell Sen about her and Hijikata's situation or not. It was obvious that the thing that made her so reluctant to leave the Shinsengumi was the infamous oni fukuchou. Their situation wasn't solved yet. And to leave from the compound with their situation like this, it would leave a bitter taste in her mouth. Not to mention that for some reason she just couldn't, didn't want to be far from the vice commander. She bit her bottom lip.

'Osen-chan has given me an offer to protect me from Kazama. I know… I can feel that her offer is an honest one. She really cares about me. Of course, she will be confused about why I am so reluctant to leave the Shinsengumi.' She turned her head to look again at the demon princess. Her eyes were serious, but she could feel that Sen was really concerned and worried about her being. Her eyes, while they were serious, were also honest and warm. 'I guess I should tell her about it. And honestly, I need to talk to someone about this matter.' Without Chizuru realizing it yet, her situation with Hijikata had nearly made her suffocated. She didn't have anyone to talk to about her situation. She had pushed the matter deep inside her and unconsciously it had eaten her from inside more than she had realized. It had bottled up inside her. A ticking time bomb that was near its time to explode.

She would tell Sen about her situation and hoped that Sen could help her about the matter. But when she opened her mouth and was ready to tell her story, suddenly the door of her room was opened and Kimigiku poked her head inside the room.

"Pardon for my intrusion, but the two of you have been silent for quite some time. May I ask if everything is okay?" The kunoichi, a term for a ninja woman, had been listening to their conversation from the outside. She stood a few meters from the door, not exactly in front of the door. She wanted to give privacy to the two girls.

"There's nothing for you to worry about." Sen answered her bodyguard without turning her head to the woman. While Sen seemed calm, Chizuru was surprised with the sudden intrusion. She forgot that Kimigiku was also stood outside her room. She just intended for Sen to be the one that would hear what she wanted to talk about. She thanked whoever had given the opportunity for the sudden interruption.

"In fact, Okiku please go to the common room and stay with the other men of the Shinsengumi. We will go to that room if we finish our talk later."

"Hime-sama-"

Sen turned her head and looked at Kimigiku with authority in her eyes. "I need to talk to Chizuru about something and I really need the privacy. Please leave and wait for us there."

The kunoichi knelt to her mistress and closed the door before disappearing without another word.

"Now Okiku has gone. You can continue whatever you wanted to tell me before she came Chizuru-chan!" Sen encouraged Chizuru to continue from where she left before.

"But, isn't there something that you want to tell me Osen-chan? You told Kimigiku-san that you wanted to tell me something?"

"That was just an excuse for her to leave both of us alone. I saw your expression when she entered the room before. And I would bet that whatever that you wanted to tell me earlier was not something that you want another to hear and know. It's not me that has something to tell about. Chizuru-chan, you can trust me on this one. I will never tell anyone of your secret." Sen gave Chizuru a reassuring smile. Chizuru that never had any girl-friend that she could share with and talk to, felt touched by Sen's intention. She nodded to her friend.

"There's some reason that makes me not want to leave the Shinsengumi," she started slowly. "And it started about half a year ago. The matter has not been resolved since then. Many things have happened in the Shinsengumi that make the matter remain unsolved."

"Is it something so big and complicated that it already takes about 6 months and it hasn't been solved?" Sen was curious about whatever problem Chizuru had.

"Well…. rather than something, it is more of like…. Someone." Chizuru whispered the last part.

"So the problem is this someone…. AH!" Sen exclaimed suddenly. She looked at Chizuru with narrowed eyes and for some reason had a mischievous glint in it. "Correct me if I'm wrong. That someone that makes you not want to leave this place is someone that you like, isn't it?"

Chizuru blinked her eyes, flabbergasted with Sen's sudden change of mood. Once the princess' question had gotten into her mind her cheeks started turning red. And she gave a small nod to answer her friend's question.

"Really?!" Sen said excited. "Who?! OH! Would that be one of the men in the common room?" She teased her tomato-face friend.

"...Yes."

Once again Sen grabbed Chizuru's hands and gave a little squeeze to them. Chizuru looked straight at Sen while the latter gave a warm smile to the former. "So, you don't want to leave this place because you can't leave behind this man." Chizuru nodded again. "But Chizuru-chan, if you stay and Kazama comes, you would also risk this man's life. Losing someone that you loved is not a thing that I want you to regret later." Sen emphasized the situation that they were in with her serious tone. "It is not that you two can't meet later in the future. I will arrange it so that you and he can meet frequently without the two of you having to risk your lives by meeting and countering Kazama. Believe me, he's not someone that you want to get mess with."

Her mind was processing Sen's words.

"Osen-chan..." Sen gave another squeeze. "If the only problem is like what you've said, that we couldn't meet each other, I wouldn't be so reluctant to leave this place. The thing between me and him is much more complex and complicated than what you've said."

The princess silently listened to Chizuru. It was Chizuru's time to speak and she's afraid if she cuts into her story, it would take some other time for her to be brave enough to tell her story.

"Something happened between me and him about 6 months ago. Something that only myself is aware of."

Sen tilted her head, confused with Chizuru's words. "Eh?"

Chizuru gulped and clenched her hands, bracing herself for the upcoming revelations. "Osen-chan…. I have slept with him."

"…" Blink. "Sorry?"

"I'm no longer… virgin."

"….." Blink. Blink. "What?"

"And the worst part is he was drunk when we slept together and he didn't realize that he had slept with me. He also doesn't remember or have any recollection about this."

"….." Blink. Blink. Blink. "W-WHAT?!" Sen pulled her hands from atop Chizuru's hand and placed them on her cheeks, while exclaiming her horrified shock. Sen felt her body go limp. She felt that her energy had gone somewhere far away. The revelation of Chizuru's confession was too shocking for her. She didn't prepare for anything this… this shocking! It looked like her outburst wasn't so loud that it would alert the occupants in the common room to burst into the room. She felt relief for that. But still!

Women in the Bakumatsu era, the era that the Shinsengumi existed, didn't have any significant value other than to bear the man a child and to be a good wife. Any woman that was found that to have lost her virginity outside marriage would be looked down on by others. Not to mention that she would be a shame to her family. If men that didn't have a wife were looking for some pleasure without attachment, there was a red light district for that purpose. That's why virginity was so valuable for a woman in that era. Losing virginity was like losing your value as a woman already.

Chizuru was a girl that had been raised with such knowledge since she was little. She wasn't afraid of what her family would think about her. The only family that she had was gone missing. The matter would be addressed properly after she had found her father. And no one knew about her condition except herself. But to let another person be aware of her condition would be another matter. She still felt ashamed of what she had done. To share her condition with another would be embarrassment on another different level. That's why she was so horrified when she knew that Kimigiku almost heard about her condition.

Sen widened her eyes and they nearly fell from their sockets. She was speechless. Never in her wildest dreams would she dare to imagine that Chizuru would be in this big trouble. She didn't give any vibe of being such a character that would be daring enough to do that thing. Her head was spinning. She took a deep breath and heaved it loudly before setting her eyes again on the other occupant. "May I know, who is it?"

That was the question that Chizuru had expected to be ask since she told her story. But still to speak out loud the name of the man, it made her insides churn and honestly she didn't want to tell it.

"It's…. It was…" She darted her eyes to anywhere but Sen. 'You have told it so far Chizuru. It would be weird if you don't put a name to the man that you just informed your friend you had slept with. And after you told her that only you that were aware of the situation.' She opened her mouth but was frozen by the next words Sen spoke, which cut all the words from her.

"It's Hijikata isn't it?" Looking at her still friend confirmed her suspicions. She had pondered why Hijikata's reaction was kind of… odd before, when she was assessing the captains' reactions. Looks like she didn't read into his reaction too much like she had thought earlier. Because indeed there was something between Hijikata and Chizuru. She just didn't realize that this something would be this… big.

Plus, Chizuru nodded her head a little to confirm Sen's conclusion. Her bangs were covering her eyes.

"Osen-chan…. I'm sorry."

"Chizuru-chan…."

"I know that what I've done is not something that I should do. Even right until now I feel so ashamed of myself. That one spur of a moment, blinded by my desire, I've crossed a line that I should not cross. But one thing that you must know," she lifted her head to look straight at Sen with a firm gaze, "I did not regret it. And if you ask me how I feel about it right now, my answer would be same: I don't regret what I've done." Her voice didn't waver. She hoped that her friend could be convinced of what she had felt.

Sen looked back at Chizuru with a knowing expression. "You love him, don't you?"

Such a short question. A question that was not a question, rather than more like a statement that needed to be confirmed. A question that for the first time someone other than herself had asked her to answer. A question that when she had realized it for the first time, she had felt dread and denied the answer with all her might. Because there was no way she could fall to a person that would kill someone without a second thought, someone that showed nothing but cold and stiff expression, someone that would not hesitate to kill her if just in a slightest he thought that she threatened the existence of the Shinsengumi…. Someone that didn't care or like or love her at all!

But also, a question that for the first time made her look beyond the man that he showed and what other people believed him to be. Beyond that cold and stiff exterior. Beyond that oni demeanor. Beyond the vice commander of the Shinsengumi…. In which she found the very man that she had fallen in love with. Behind the persona that he always exuded for the exterior, the other side of him, his inside persona had made her heart flutter like no other man had. A question that she could answer in only one way to the demon princess.

"Yes."

Sen knew that look. Even if she hadn't had the luxury to feel that way toward a man, she had seen it on some other people. A look of someone in love. Chizuru gave that look without any hesitation. And for that she felt sorry for her friend. Looks liked Chizuru had no idea at all, of what kind of trouble she had gotten herself into.

"When did this thing happen?"

Chizuru thought back to that night. For some reason, her body was getting a little bit hot. "It was at the same night when we met in Shimabara."

"Oh my…" Sen was lost for words.

"There was a man that pushed me to a room beside our room after I parted from you. And in that room, I found him drunk alone. Things happened and it escalated to something that led us to have a sexual intercourse." Her blushing face got redder. "Osen-chan…. I did that on my own decision. Even though I feel ashamed of what I've done, I would never forget that night. He made me…. a woman. It was as if he knew what he was doing and with whom he did that. My body never reacted like that night before. Only him that could make me feel that way. And because of that, I could accept my feeling that I love him.…

"I could feel it, that night was not just a night to satiate a need. We… We made love. I know that sounds absurd, with him not aware of the situation and who he had slept with. But…. When he gazed at me, in his drunken stupor, I could see that it wasn't only lust that reflected in his eyes. Even though I couldn't describe what I had seen, I could feel it. His caresses, his kisses…." Chizuru hugged herself to prevent herself from moaning at the memory of that night. "Osen-chan… I was loved that night. And I gave my love back to him with the same intention that I felt he gave to me." Tears had sprung to her eyes, overwhelmed by the feeling that slowly was too much for her to suppress. She looked hopelessly at Sen. "I...I…."

Sen hugged Chizuru. "I'm sorry. But I guess you could use a hug right now. Calm down Chizuru. Just pour out your feelings slowly. You must have bottled up this feeling without someone to talk to. I won't go anywhere until we finish this."

Chizuru placed her forehead on Sen's shoulder. "There's this feeling." Chizuru spoke again, slowly. She clutched her kimono in front of her chest. "I don't know why, but since that night I always want to be near him. The need to be near him and to be with him was almost too much to bear. A desire to be quenched. For the first month after that night, there was this weird and high tension in the compound that had made kind of a suffocating atmosphere. I knew that some of the captains felt that tension. And it didn't go away until sometime later." Chizuru lifted her head from the princess' shoulder. "And I knew that tension must be from the unquenched desire from my body. Each second it called for it to be satiated. I could suppress it for the most time. And maybe the tension had gone because somehow I could control my feelings.

"I barely can make it in this state. I don't know how I would cope if I have to separate from him. I know how dire the situation is and how it's imperative for me to leave. It's not I don't want to. But I can't." A lone tear escaped from her eyes. It had been a long time since she could pour out her heart, to share her feelings with someone else. Sen had offered to listen to her, and she used it to her heart's content. After all she really needed this talk.

Sen hugged Chizuru again and rubbed her back. Chizuru was confused about why she was feeling what she felt right now. Her friend was clueless of what situation she was in at the moment. Well, she was a kid when she got separated from her family. Her supposed father didn't give her what she needed to know regarding this situation. And if he was kind of hiding her heritage of being an oni, it was to be expected she guessed. Because no human had this kind of thing like what the oni had. She was the one that had to explain it to her friend. She heaved a sigh and pushed Chizuru to arm's length.

"Chizuru-chan. I have something to tell that would explain your situation and why you felt the feeling that you felt toward Hijikata." Sen spoke solemnly. "It's kind of a long explanation, so I need your focus in here. But first you need to calm yourself."

Chizuru nodded. She was regaining her composure. She breathed in and out, and after a few moments her breath was calm. "I'm all ears."

"Have you heard anything about Oni no Kizuna (Demon's Bond)?"

Chizuru dug in her memory and shook her head in the end.

"Oh, sorry, I forget that you don't remember any memory of you being a demon. Because Chizuru the cause that have make you feel that strong to be inclined toward Hijikata is this bond that you have unconsciously formed with Hijikata."

"I don't understand. What bond?" She looked confused and did not understand one bit of Sen's words.

"Chizuru-chan, you have created this bond when you slept with Hijikata." said Sen bluntly.

Chizuru blinked her eyes rapidly, still didn't understand what Sen told her meant. "Osen-chan, what kind of bond?"

"The bond that you have created is a bond that tied your soul. In this case, yours and Hijikata's. As an oni finding our partner is like a matter of life and death, because once you have bonded with your partner you can never annul or break this bond. And we perform that bond by having sexual intercourse; in other words you bond if you have sex with or, if you are fortunate enough, make love with your partner. We, the oni, can only bond once in our life. Even though our partner is dead, we can't make another bond because our soul has merged and will be together with our partner's forever.” explained Sen. “The weird atmosphere you told me before that lingered around this place previously was most likely because of the bond. Maybe it happened because the bond is incomplete, that it unconsciously made you and Hijikata called toward each other. You must feel like there's some strong urge to always be near him."

Chizuru remembered ‘the urge’ that Sen had mentioned. She absentmindedly nodded. Of course, she remembered what Sen referred to as the urge. How many times she almost lost to that urge and just went to Hijikata and threw herself toward him? The first time she felt that urge, she almost did what her body told her to. But being her clumsy self, she tripped herself and instead of Hijikata, she met with the hard, cold floor and got a nasty bump on her head. Fortunately, no one noticed her action. But she swore she had felt Hijikata gaze toward her before she plunged to the darkness, unconscious from the bump she got. Inoue told her later that Hijikata was the one that brought her to her room and until he arrived, Hijikata was the one that tended her injury. That was just one of the many urges that she had felt during the past months. It wasn't that she had been getting used to it, because the urge was as strong now as the first time she had felt it. She had learnt to control it, even though it would slip from time to time if she didn't focus enough.

"That urge won't go away unless you complete the bond. From what you told me of your story I can tell that you haven't completed the bond." Sen continued with her explanation.

"….What should I do for completing the bond, Osen-chan?"

"Don't worry. It isn't a hard thing to do. You just have to drink each other's blood while saying a vow to each other that you are bonded to each other."

"But… if we have to complete the bond, that means that I have to tell him that we are bonded to each other, and I have to tell him what happened that makes us bonded to each other." Chizuru bit her bottom lip hard and said her next sentence in a heavy tone. "I CAN’T do that,” said Chizuru adamantly. "….Osen-chan, I don't want his pity." She said in defeated tone. "I knew him, know him enough that he would try to take responsibility for what happened if he knows. That is one of his characteristics that has made me fall for him. His sense of justice is so strong. But in this case, it is also his flaw. Rather than tell him so that he will be forced to be together with me unwillingly, out of duty, it would be better that he doesn't know our situation at all."

Even though Chizuru said her confession in her defeated tone, Sen could hear there was some conviction behind her tone. Chizuru might look soft and weak. But she was one of the most stubborn people she had met. Within the short time that they had met and spent together, she could see that Chizuru had this stubborn streak. Not to mention that she also had the pride of an oni, that wouldn't like to be look down to and would rather die than someone took pity at her.

She was proud that Chizuru didn't lose her pride and dignity as an oni, but as a woman she was frustrated with Chizuru's decision.

"But Chizuru-chan. You would suffer for unknown time." Sen had heard stories of some oni that didn't complete their bond with their partner because of some dire or special situation. The agony and longing that Chizuru would feel was something that Sen didn't want her friend to feel later. It could push you to insanity because of the intense pressure of the incomplete bond. "I don't want to scare you, but this is not something that you should decide so easily. As I told you before, this is a matter of life and death. It can kill you if it isn't done in a right and complete way."

A pregnant silence stretched in the room. Neither of the two occupants had any idea of what they should do regarding the matter. It was Chizuru that broke the silence first.

"Osen-chan, I want to ask you a question."

"What is it?"

"Can you know if someone, an oni has bonded with another without that said oni telling you that they have bonded?"

Sen shook her head. "No. I would not know at first glance at you that somehow you have bonded with whoever, Chizuru-chan."

"Then Kazama will not know that I have bonded with someone else."

"No. The bond is a sacred thing that only the ones that have created it can feel."

Chizuru nodded and went silent again. For a moment, she was afraid that the other oni (Kazama) could know that she had bonded with Hijikata. Kazama was coming for her because of his intention of making her his bride. If he found out that she was no longer available to be his bride and it was because of someone that was his enemy… The scene would not be pretty, surely. A relief spread through her body after Sen told her that there was no way the other could know, oni or not, of the bond beside the two persons that had created it.

"Chizuru-chan, even though you could hold the urge and desire inside of you all this time, but you won't be able to hold it for much longer. You have to complete the bond as soon as possible."

"…No."

"Chizuru-chan!"

"No, I can't. At least for now, I can't. Give me time."

They were exchanging stares. One with determination, one observing. In the end, for the umpteenth time that night Sen heaved a sigh. "I hope that time won't be too long."

Chizuru gave a grateful smile to her friend.

"I guess asking you to leave from this place is out of the question now."

"I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize. It's your decision. And it can't be helped." Sen gave her a rueful smile while she shrugged her shoulders.

"Thank you, Osen-chan."

"No. Don't thank me. You just don't know what misery you have signed yourself into." Sen sounded defeated.

"No, I mean it. Thank you for listening to my situation."

The demon princess could feel the sincerity and gratitude from Chizuru's smile. While she still felt frustrated with Chizuru, she was happy that she somehow could help her.

"You're welcome, Chizuru-chan."

---

When the two female demons entered the common room again, all the captains greeted them with an anxious look. Discreetly, Sen gazed at Hijikata and analyzed his reaction when Chizuru told them that she would not be leaving the compound.

She could only sum up in one word what she saw reflected in his eyes.

Desire.

She didn't know if she should smile or feel sorry because the man himself was oblivious to the situation he had gotten himself into.

For Hijikata himself, relief beyond anything spread through his body when he heard that Chizuru would be still with them. With him. And he knew that the demon princess had stared at him when she had entered the room. Frankly he didn't want anything to do with her. And he didn't detect any bloodlust from the princess, so he just let the princess do whatever she wanted to do. It didn't do him any harm.

The other captains were happy that Chizuru would stay with the Shinsengumi. They were rushing to her side and promising to keep her safe.

"The Shinsengumi accepts responsibility for your well-being, Yukimura-kun," Kondou said in his warm tone.

"Just relax and leave it all to me!" said Nagakura while grinning.

"Glad to have you around," Harada said while patting her head.

"But I have to wonder, what kind of girl would want to stay with the Shinsengumi, huh?" Okita snide remark wasn't as mean as before. It just his way to show his concern.

And last, when she looked at him, the soft smile that she had seen a few times only, greeted her sight. "This doesn't make you some kind of special guest. You get the same treatment that you always have."

What Hijikata didn't say to Chizuru was that the treatment that she would get would be the same from anyone other than him. He swore to himself that Chizuru would be treated in his own special way from now on.

Chizuru bowed her body and said her thanks: "Thank you for letting me stay!"

Before Sen departed from the Shinsengumi's compound, she took Chizuru's hands in hers and let her eyes rest on Chizuru. "Do be careful. And remember, I am on your side. If there's anything that you would like for me to help with, you know what you should do. And Chizuru-chan, don't ever hesitate to seek for my help. After all we're friends, aren't we?"

"Yes, we are. Thank you, Osen-chan." Sen gave Chizuru one last warm smile, and then she and Kimigiku, the kunoichi, were gone.

---

After they had walked for some distance, the demon princess and her bodyguard stopped and turned their head to look back. Sen silently looked back at the place that they had just walked out from.

"Hime-sama?" Kimigiku could sense the unease from Sen.

Sen didn't acknowledge Kimigiku's call. She stared back for several minutes before facing the front and beginning to walk again.

"Let's go, Okiku."

And the kunoichi followed her mistress back to their village without another word.

'Ganbatte, Chizuru-chan.'

---

Three figures blanketed in dark shadow strode toward the Shinsengumi later that night, not long after Sen and Kimigiku left the compound. Two of them only accompanied the third figure to accomplish the goal that one figure had.

And no one could stop him from what he wanted. He always got what he wanted.

"Found you."

To be continued

Note: Okay, you get a glimpse that a figure will come and make some havoc inside the Shinsengumi. You DO know who is he and at how the story would turn into. But... This won't be a fanfic if I don't do something of what will happen for the next event. 

For some reasons, this chapter was harder for me to write. Chizuru's feeling has been bottle up for so long that it's not easy to tell someone of her feelings. That's why she was beating the bush and go round about before telling Sen her story. 

Hijikata has got his turned to share his thought with someone (Kondou) and that helped him with his feelings. I guess it's unfair that Chizuru didn't get to talk and share her bottle up feelings, isn't it? So here comes Sen, to the rescue! I always like the friendship between these two.

Stay tuned for the next update and see u on next chapter. 

Jaa ne~

[my-one-love-is-music]

Sing, Little Bird Ch. 2

Also on AO3!

“Dick?! Dick!” Wally cried, framing his face with his hands. “Dick please, you can’t do this!”

He knew he was becoming more and more hysterical. He knew he needed to calm down and to think clearly so he could help Dick. He wasn’t doing either of them any good by letting his emotions get the better of him. But seeing Dick look so pale and lifeless and covered with his own blood made thinking clearly utterly impossible.

Dick was so small. So human. And Wally had never noticed it before. He never noticed that between the two of them, Dick was more likely to get seriously hurt because he couldn’t heal as fast. It was hard to think your best friend wasn’t invincible when he could dodge bullets like a pro and take down men two and sometimes three times his own size without superpowers.

“What’s going on back there?” Bruce’s gruff voice called from the pilot seat.

“Dick’s not responding,” Wally said, his own vision blurring as tears threatened to spill down his cheeks. He bit his lip, his heart constricting painfully. He needed to help him. He needed to save him.

“Check for a pulse,” Bruce demanded. “And stay calm. We’re taking him to medical. He’s going to be fine. This is your mission now.”

Wally tried to take a steadying breath. He heard Bruce calling someone over the comms and it sounded like he mentioned them needing medical attention and the Watchtower. That helped to calm him down. If they were going to the Watchtower, then Dick had to be okay. They had the best doctors in the universe and they wouldn’t let him die. He just had to keep it together until they got there.

Wally pulled off his glove, finally realizing how badly his hand was shaking because of the terror constricting his limbs. He grit his teeth and pressed two fingers against Dick’s neck, swallowing as he tried to focus on finding a pulse and worried he wouldn’t find it.

It was faint, but it was there. And seemingly too slow compared to his own hummingbird heartbeat.

“He has a pulse,” Wally called, voice cracking. “It’s weak.”

“Regularly check is pulse. Make sure it does not stop. Is he breathing?” Bruce asked.

Wally swallowed. He leaned over Dick’s small body, pressing the side of his face next to his parted lips. He waited for the puff of air that signaled he was exhaling. And waited. And waited.

“Batman, he’s not breathing!” Wally cried, his hands hovered over Dick’s body, too afraid to touch for fear of making things worse, but wanting to help.

“Start administering rescue breaths,” he barked.

Wally felt the Batplane bank harshly.

“We’re at the BatCave and will be landing soon. Keep giving him air as we Zeta up to the Watchtower and get him to medical.”

Wally’s heart constricted. He rolled Dick onto his back and grasped his chin, tilting his head back so he could pinch he nose and cut off any outlet for the oxygen to ensure it was getting into his lungs. He sucked in a breath and slotted his mouth over Dick’s giving him his first breath of air.

It wasn’t how he imagined his first kiss with Dick going and his brain was too overrun with panic to really register that on some level he was kissing Dick. Dick’s condition was more important than any of that.

He was moving in slow motion. Every second crawled by. He focused on every breath he gave and waited for his chest to lift to accept the air. He waited for him to suck in a gasp of air on his own so that he was breathing and conscious and living.

The plane jolted, and Wally barely moved, keeping his focus on what he was doing. He only had eyes for Dick and in the worst way possible.

“Let’s go,” Bruce said, striding back to him.

Wally nodded and collected Dick in his arms, heart clenching when he was forced to stop his rescue breaths. Dick didn’t make a sound and Wally almost wanted to jostle him if it meant getting a reaction.

“We can zeta him up on a gurney and keep administering medical care during transport,” Bruce continued as wally hurried after him through the Cave that Wally had been in a few times before. “A team of doctors is set to meet us and will take over care of Dick when we beam in.”

Alfred was waiting for them, a stricken look on his face that only seemed to fall further when he took in Dick’s limp body in Wally’s arms. He pushed the gurney forward and Wally set Dick down, going back to the methodical counting and breathing that was the only thing keeping him sane.

Bruce placed a hand on the gurney and rolled it smoothly behind him as he headed for the zeta tube. He punched in several commands on the keypad and waited as it booted up, the blue light enveloping all three of them.

Recognized: Batman – 02, Robin – B01, Kid Flash – B03.

A flurry of noise and movement greeted their arrival.

“What injuries is he facing?”

“Hook up that IV over there.”

“Check for a pulse and breathing.”

Wally was pulled away from the side of the gurney as several medical personnel took his place, blocking his view of Dick.

“Kid Flash,” Bruce said, cutting through his thoughts and shock at being brushed to the side so quickly.

“Y-yeah?” he asked, belatedly tearing his gaze away from the mass of people to look at Bruce and another doctor standing next to him.

“What are Robin’s injuries?”

“Cuts and abrasions across his back, arms, and legs. Broken ribs and possibly a concussion,” he recited.

“Get him to the OR stat!” the doctor said, pushing the gurney forward as people continued to care for Dick and assess his condition. “Broken ribs could mean a punctured lung and that’s why he’s not breathing. Lungs are priority. Second priority is a brain scan to check for any swelling and other head trauma.”

Wally took a shaky step forward before a hand landed heavily on his shoulder. He couldn’t let Dick disappear in front of him. He couldn’t let that happen. Not again.

He looked up and found Bruce standing next to him, his lips in a thin line.

He opened his mouth to speak and Wally expected him to be booted back to Mt. Justice or forced from the Watchtower. He tensed, ready to run if it meant planting himself at Dick’s side until he was awake and safe.

“Let’s get to the waiting room,” Bruce said.

“What?” Wally asked, blinking.

“The waiting room,” Bruce repeated. “We can’t stay here and take up space in the middle of the hallway and we need to wait for updates. The doctors don’t need to be forced to chase us down.”

Wally nodded, gaze falling to the floor as they walked. Bruce used the hold on his shoulder to guide him through the unfamiliar hallways. He barely saw the heroes they passed or the halls they walked through. He didn’t care. His mind was already on the other side of the base wherever Dick was.

He wouldn’t die. He couldn’t die. They were best friends. They did everything together. They’d barely been apart since they’d met. The only things keeping them from each other were their respective cities and any missions Batman or the Flash needed their partners for.

Wally needed Dick. He didn’t know what he’d do without him. He’d break. His heart would shatter into a million pieces and…and he loved him.

He grit his teeth at the thought, the tears that he’d been able to push back in favor of taking care of Dick finally spilling over. He fisted his hands at his sides and grit his teeth as the tears traced warm paths down his cheeks.

“We’re here,” Bruce said, catching his attention.

He looked up and found a clinical waiting room outside two double doors. Barry stood from his spot in a chair. His cowl was pulled back and he immediately looked at Wally, gaze filled with worry. He hurried over to them, well, hurried by human standards, and placed a hand on Bruce’s shoulder.

“I’m so sorry to hear about Robin,” he said softly.

Bruce nodded and retracted his own hand from Wally’s shoulder before moving around them both to have a seat in one of the chairs closest to the doors.

“Hey, Kid,” Barry said softly, placing his hands on his shoulders.

Wally ducked his head, shoulders shaking as more tears spilled down his cheeks. Barry sighed and pulled him into a tight hug. Wally clung back just as tightly, feeling like part of his heart was breaking. He didn’t even realize he was talking until the words had left his mouth.

“I need him to be okay, Uncle Barry,” he whispered, sniffling. “If he’s not okay I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

Barry hushed him and tightened his hold around his shoulders. “He’s going to be okay. Because he knows that you’re out here waiting for him and he can’t leave you behind.”

Wally laughed, and it sounded as fragile and broken as he felt, catching in his throat and ready to shatter the last toothpick holding him together. “Yeah right,” he muttered.

Barry sighed. “He’ll come back to you. He will.”

“But what if he doesn’t?” Wally asked, feeling his heart twist at the thought. “I…I don’t know…what am I going to do if he doesn’t…I don’t’ know if I can…”

“He’ll make it. He’s a tough little bird,” Barry murmured. “Let’s sit down and you can rest. You’ve been through a lot and should take a minute for yourself after the day you’ve had.”

Wally nodded and let himself be taken to one of the empty chairs. He practically fell into it, folding in half as he rested his elbows on his knees and tangled his hands in his hair.

Somewhere behind those double doors was Dick. He was on a medical table as people fought to help him. To save him. Wally saved people every day. They both saved people every day and here he was, stuck sitting in a chair while his friend was being taken care of by someone else.

Which meant he was the biggest fucking idiot in the universe.

He was on his feet before he even registered the movement and a heavy hand caught his elbow. He looked down at the fingers digging into his skin and followed the hand and arm up to Barry’s face who was watching him with a sad expression.

“You can’t go back there, Wally. They need to focus on Robin and there’s nothing you can do,” he said, voice quiet and apologetic.

“He’s my best friend!” Wally cried, feeling some of his helplessness turn into anger. “I can’t just sit here and do nothing!”

“You haven’t done nothing. You helped him when he needed it the most. You were the one who alerted Batman to his disappearance and had him track down his location. You carried him to the Batplane and watched over him, administering what little medical care you could. You gave him someone to hold onto when he needed it the most and was at his lowest point tonight.”

Wally reeled back, whirling around to find Bruce standing behind them.

“Just because you’re not able to do anything right now, and there’s nothing you could do considering you don’t have a medical degree, doesn’t mean you haven’t already helped Robin more than you know. He needed a hero tonight and you were the one to go to him in his time of need.”

“But…he…” Wally said weakly, his knees wobbling as everything seemed to drain out of him. A hundred realizations crashed down on his shoulders at once.

The double doors were pushed open, framing a woman in a white lab coat.

“Batman, come with me please,” she said.

Bruce turned on his heel and followed her through the doors. As they swung shut and clicked, misery filled every inch of Wally’s being and he fell to his knees on the floor.

“Kid,” Barry sighed and knelt next to him. He placed a hand on his back and thought better of it, wrapping it around Wally’s shoulders to pull him against his chest.

He didn’t say anything else and Wally wasn’t sure if he was happy or not. The silence was suffocating and made each second stretch longer and longer. But he didn’t think there was anything his uncle could have said to make things better. It was pointless. Half of his heart was missing and there was nothing he could do to bring it back except wait seconds, minutes, hours, centuries for it to come back.

If it ever did.

“Are you hungry?” Barry asked after several minutes of silence had stretched between them.

His stomach felt empty. He hadn’t refueled since before the mission and had used most of his juice in the fight and then when the team had gone to find Dick. But he didn’t want to eat. He didn’t think he could when it didn’t feel right. Not when he had no idea what was going on. Not when he wasn’t sure if he friend was going to survive.  

He shook his head.

“Kid, you can’t punish yourself over this. You need to eat,” Barry pleaded.

“Not hungry. Don’t want to.”

“Wally,” Barry said, voice firm. “You’re not going to do yourself any good by starving. You need the energy. Batman could come out here any time and say that Robin needs you-“

“You know that’s not going to happen,” he snapped, scowling at Barry. “I can’t do anything. Hell, Rob was taken when we were fighting together with the rest of the team. I could’ve done something. I should’ve known sooner. I could’ve gotten to him and spared him some of that pain and then maybe he wouldn’t have stopped breathing and wouldn’t need such extensive treatment!” he exclaimed, pulling at his hair roughly.

“Wally…” Barry started. “Do you…surely you can’t blame yourself for what happened to Robin?” he asked.

Wally froze, letting his hands fall away from his hair so he could stare at his palms. “What if it was my fault?” he whispered.

“Wally,” Barry said, grabbing his shoulders and forcefully turned him so they were facing each other. “You can’t seriously think that you’re to blame for what happened to him? He was kidnapped by a lunatic!”

“But there must’ve been something I could’ve done! I could’ve gotten away from the gas or whatever knocked us out and made sure that we were all safe. I could’ve protected the team and fought to wake them up or-“

“Wally, stop,” Barry said gently. “There was no way you could’ve known this was going to happen. They’d planned a premeditated attack on your team. They were prepared, and you had no reason to suspect they were singling out Robin. You did everything you could for him. You were the one who thought to look for him. You saved him, Wally. He has a chance at living because of you.”

Wally stared at his uncle. The defenses he thought he might have been able to build up to keep himself from breaking down again crumbled do dust in the face of his uncle’s words. It felt better being able to blame himself for what happened to Dick because then he wouldn’t have to let himself feel so helpless. Because if he was to blame then that meant he’d screwed up somewhere and there was something he could’ve changed to make sure this hadn’t happened. But if there was nothing…then he was hopeless. And helpless. And his best friend was still in the operating room while he waited.

Wally squeezed his eyes shut as the tears spilled over yet again. “I don’t know what to do,” he admitted. “If he doesn’t make it, I’ll…”

“He’s going to make it,” Barry said, firmly. “And when he does, you need to make sure you’ve taken care of yourself because he’s going to need you. He’s going to need you so much and you need to be able to help him.”

“How are you so sure?” Wally asked, feeling miserable.

“Because I see how the two of you are together. I’ve watched you grow up for years, and besides Batman, you’re the first person he’s going to want to see. And you need to be ready for that. So, let me get you something to eat. I can run down to the kitchen and get you some chocolate or a protein bar.”

Wally sighed, head hanging heavily between his shoulders. “Okay.”

Barry pulled Wally to his feet and he staggered, trying to find any bit of strength he might have left to keep himself on his feet. Wally sagged into a chair, struggling to hold his body upright when he felt so damn empty.

“You’re not going to run off as soon as I leave, are you?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “Because I’ll be back here in two seconds and I know the only direction you’re headed in. It won’t take me long to track you down.”

“No,” Wally said, miserably. “I’ll be here when you get back.”

Barry gave him one last pointed look before he sped off.

Wally watched him go before his head rolled back to the side and he looked at the double doors. It wouldn’t be so hard. He just had to find the right room and he’d be where he needed to be. It would be so easy. No one would really notice him. He could probably come up with a convincing lie to make anyone who was suspicious believe he was supposed to be there.

Wally gripped the arm rests of the chair and pushed himself to his feet, feeling wobbly and anxious.

“I thought I told you to stay put,” Barry sighed, catching his shoulder and shoving him back down into the chair. “And you’re going to have to be quicker than that if you want to get the jump on me,” he said, shoving a chocolate bar under his nose.

“Yeah, I guess,” Wally sighed, taking the candy and tearing open the wrapping. He took a huge bite out of the side, barely tasting it as he chewed and swallowed, eyes focused on the double doors.

He blinked when they were pushed open roughly. He hadn’t been expecting any change. And especially hadn’t expected Batman to step through them, his gaze immediately landing on them.

“Flash, Kid Flash, come with me,” he said, turning on his heel with a flutter of his cape.

Barry and Wally shared a look before they jumped to their feet and hurried after him, catching up in seconds.

Wally’s heart kickstarted in his chest as hope bloomed to life, his muscles shaking in anticipation even though he didn’t know anything yet.

If you enjoy my work, please reblog or consider buying me a ko-fi!

[whichwaytowonderlandep]

Whatever It Takes | Ch. IV

Pairings: (Yoongi/Reader/Hoseok)

Genre: Romance, Angst

Words: 4,638

Tags: Gang AU, Cop AU, Smut

Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four 

Chapter Four

"You mean to tell me she's the daughter of a man no one has seen or heard from in twelve years?" Hoseok asks as he chuckles in annoyance, not really believing what his people had come up with. "How do we know it's actually her? We don't exactly have a photo to compare her to."

"About that," Jimin gestures towards V, grabbing the file in his hands. "We may not have a picture, but we have DNA on both."

Hoseok is intrigued by this information. "Are those the results?" He asks as he holds out his hand, "They're a match" Hoseok mumbles with raised eyebrows. He definitely wasn't expecting that.

"Not only that, he's also the boss of one of the best and most dangerous gang out there" Jimin continues, "He's the king of kings. Now, my question is... what was his daughter doing at our little event last night?"

Hoseok stares at the wall with a serious expression on his face, subconsciously playing with the rings on his fingers.

If he had you on his side, that meant he had the most powerful man in the world by his side. Oh, the things he could do with that much power in his hands. "I don't know about that, but it seems we've struck gold with our unexpected guest."

He smirks, the gears in his head moving at a rapid speed as millions of ideas run through his mind. "Where is she staying?" He asks as he looks towards V, who was now standing silently in the corner —waiting for an order like a good little soldier. "She's staying at the Melrose Hotel" Taehyung answers, his eyes glaring slightly at the man in front of him. Just because he temporarily works for the man, doesn't mean he has to like him.

"Anything you can get on her, I want it in my possession as soon as possible. Now." He continues, watching as V nods before walking out of the office. His curious eyes watch the younger man leave the room.

"Did he pass your little test, yet?" Hoseok asks, nodding towards the door. "He's trustworthy enough. We can just get rid of him if he fucks up, but at the moment, his the best at what he does" Jimin answers him as he sits down on one of the chairs in front of his desk, crossing one leg over the other as he chats with his long time friend. "Good. Where are we on the Russian deal?" Hoseok inquires as he opens the file that was marked as yours, picking up the photo that was taken of you at the ball last night. It didn't do you justice.

Hoseok nods as Jimin continues to speak about the new shipment that was coming in tomorrow. He didn't bother listening to every detail, he had been in this business long enough to know how everything went. Right now that wasn't his top priority. Right now, the number one thing on his list was you.

"Fine, make sure to bring more men." Hoseok answers, watching Jimin stand up from the chair. "They tend to get a bit unpredictable when things don't go their way." He finishes off, his hand reaching for your picture. He didn't even notice the small smile that appeared on his face as he took every inch of you — all the things he could do with you by his side.

This is going to get very interesting — The thought ran through his mind as he threw down your file into one of his desk drawers. He stood up, buttoned his suit jacket and made his way out the door; Jimin following behind him. "Who's our first victim of the day?" Hoseok asks as he made his way into his car, with a smile on his face that seemed almost child like.

You watch with a look of disgust on your face as Jungkook slurps up the cream in one of the cannolis, That boy is not normal— thinking to yourself as you shake your head , finally managing to look away from him. "That is just disgusting" You take a big gulp of your coffee, your eyes scanning the board filled with surveillance pictures, reports from Taehyung and old/new data Jungkook had collected at the beginning.

There was still no way Hoseok's empire will come crashing down, he was thorough and made sure nothing could ever be traced back to him. Lucky for you, you love the thrill and adventure that comes with the challenge.

You hear the front door of the apartment open behind you, "Where are we with Taehyung?" Yoongi says, throwing his coat onto the couch before standing right next to you —his hands on his hips. Yoongi had been taking turns here and at the office, he was joining the team and leaving his second in command in charge of the station.

"Met with Hoseok this morning, gave him info on (Y/N)" Jungkook replies, making Yoongi nod, "Okay. Good, good. We're getting somewhere, let's move on with the next step."

"And that is?" You yawn into your cup— not your most attractive moment — feeling it burn the back of your throat as you gulp it down.

Yoongi turns towards you, "You're moving out" He says before walking away from you. You knew for a fact he had officially entered the investigation, he was running the whole thing now —somehow you couldn't help but wonder if this was the only reason he had even agreed to let you in on it in the first place.

You continue drinking your coffee as you stare back at the board, the creeping feeling you in your gut when you know something bad was going to happen. You decide that's it's better to ignore it than to keep thinking about it.

You sat in the back of the car, watching as the run down buildings turn into mansions and expensive boutiques. The people in the car beside yours matching the present atmosphere. You sigh as you cross your legs, the short dress riding up on your thighs as you look towards the driver.

This time, Yoongi wasn't there with you. The decision to have a legitimate driver this time was made and you were already thrown into character. You didn't say much as you take out your room key out of your purse, seeing the gold shine when the light coming through the window would hit it at just the right time.

"How much longer?" You ask your new driver, putting the card back in your purse. The same nervous feeling as before creeping up again. "We're almost there, Miss" you hear him say.

"You've been asking him that for the past thirty minutes."You hear Yoongi say into the earpiece, smiling to yourself as you hear an exaggerated sigh coming from Jungkook. You could already imagine him running his hands across his face as he does so.

"I can't help it, I'm bored" you whisper to yourself, knowing that they had most likely heard you. "Find something else to entertain yourself with, before the guy drives himself into a wall." Yoongi hinted, leaning back into his chair.

His eyes drifting over to Jungkook as the younger began to sloppily eat his ramen. Being the tech guy usually meant you didn't get to go out a lot — maybe that's why Jungkook forgot how to eat in front of another human being. His social skills were dwindling with every investigation, Yoongi knew he needed to send Jungkook on a real mission — let him do the physical work for once.

Yoongi looks away already used to such a scene, glancing at the monitors once again. He didn't really have a visual of how you were doing, he could only hear you and everything within your personal bubble. Other than that he couldn't exactly tell what was happening around you, but he could definitely take a wild guess.

His hand reaches up to scratch the back of his neck as he leans his head back further into the chair, the sound of the car engine and your breathing fill his ear.

You could only feel excitement as the Melrose Hotel came into view, making you sit up in your seat as you  put on your sunglasses. "Miss" You hear as soon as your door is open.

You smile a thank you in his direction as you grab your purse, stepping out of the car as you look at your new surroundings. This is where you were going to spend most of your time in, might as well get familiar with it.

You smile as you catch sight of how the bright lights flooded into the hotel suite. The way the room was completely open and boy free was a sight as you tip the bellboy who had helped you bring your bags up. You nod in his direction as he bows before leaving the room and as soon as the door closes behind him you drop the act of the perfect heiress as you kick your heels across the room.

You always loved cases like these, the ones where you could just lay around all day and still catch the bad guys. The ones where you didn't have to put that much effort into things.

You throw yourself on the king sized bed, bouncing as you spread your arms wide across,"I freaking love my job" You moan out loud as you sink further into the soft cotton sheets, feeling the mattress engulf you as it adjusts to the curves of your body.

"Don't get to comfortable" You hear Jungkook through your earpiece, "and... It's ruined now" You sigh deeply before you stand up from the bed, walking over to your bags you start to rummage through the expensive clothing that you had borrowed from an old friend. "You need to be ready in the next two hours, of course I need to ruin your peace and quiet" Jungkook finishes with a smirk, before leaning back into his chair, crossing his hands behind his head. He was the one giving the orders now, at least until the chief came back.

"Yeah, yeah" You roll your eyes, taking out your earpiece and placing it gently on the desk. You didn't know how long you were going to be staying at the hotel, but you were going to squeeze every little cent out of it.

This is the long awaited vacation that you needed in the last three years and you were planning to enjoy every last minute of it.

"Then if he tries to hurt me, I'll shoot him in the testicles" You tell Yoongi as you walk around your hotel room. You woke up to the sound of your new phone ringing nonstop inside your purse. You were confused when you saw the name MOM flashing on your screen, before you remembered that it was Yoongi's contact. That could've gone so many different ways.

You slip on the short black dress up your body, feeling it become tighter as you zip it up. You walk back towards the laptop, watching as Yoongi's eyes widen at the sight of you.

"(Y/N), You can't hide a gun in a cocktail dress." You hear Jungkook say, sounding as if he was on the other side of the room. "Fine. I'll stab him with my fork, can I go now?"

"Yes, with your new security detail. They should be coming up now." Yoongi tries to argue once again, the idea of just sending you alone with nothing but your wit and your fists to protect you, —although with very good reason — did not settle well with him.

"I don't need security, Chief,I'm fine on my own" You tell him without even looking at him. You were making sure that your make up was intact, before opening the door to your hotel suite. You could that the two men who stood in front of you were newbies  —most likely fresh out of the academy, trying to suck up to the man who signs their paycheck.

Yoongi might have your best intentions at heart, but he was basically putting you on babysitting duty. "You need to look the part" He sighs, only you would question his every motive, "You need to have bodyguards. It's an order."  Yoongi says, before the whole screen went black making you groan in frustration. The fact that he had sprung this on you at the last second made it harder to turn down. You take a deep breath, trying to find zen —whatever the hell that meant— and you force a smile on your face as you hear a knock coming front your front door.

You make your way to the front door of your hotel suite, "Det-" "Don't even finish that sentence" You interrupt, walking past them as you make your way down the hall and to the elevator, you could hear the rushed footsteps quickly following behind you. You could feel their stares on your exposed legs as you wait for the levarle to arrive. "Never call me by my tittle when on the job." You clarify as you wait for the elevator doors to open. "I'm just (Y/N) to you two today."

This is what you get when you sign up as a teacher — a lot of teachable moments on the field. You get into the elevator first, turning around you notice them frowning from being scolded. "Are you both just waiting for an invitation? Get in." They may not like you now, but they will be thankful when they're leading their own investigations.

"So this is how it's going to go," You say, watching the numbers flash as the elevator goes down to the lobby. "The two of you are going to stay out of my way, but make sure the mark knows you're there" You turn around, watching the looks of confusion flash across their faces, "Understood?"

"Uh..." You wanted to laugh at the baffled looks on their faces. Man, did you love your job.

"Understood!?" You yell this time, receiving a "Yes, Sir!" in return. You roll your eyes, turning back around as the elevator doors open. "I'm surrounded by idiots." You mumble to yourself as you make your way out and into the half empty lobby.

"We can hear you." Yoongi hinted into your ear, "You were meant to" You respond as you begin to strut towards one of the bars. The sassy you was back as you made yourself fit into your new persona.

It was hard not to notice all the people looking in your direction. You were a diamond in their eyes and someone they needed to be next to, someone they needed to be to live a good life — but of course that was the whole point.

You walk into the bar watching the people dancing around the place with a drink or two in their hands. "This music makes me want to kill myself" You mumble to yourself as you make your way into one of the stools, gesturing with your eyes to the men following behind you to back off.

You watch as they finally take the hint and make their to the end of the bar, their eyes never straying from were you were sitting. You had to give it to them, you could tell they were newbies and yet you knew they were taking their job very seriously.

Your face is adorned with a flirty smile as you make your way to the bar, signaling to the bartender before your eyes glance over the tall tables placed across the room.

"A glass of red wine, please." You tap your red colored nails against the counter top as you sit back on your stool —as comfortable as you could get.

"Put it on my tab" You smile at him, handing over your room card. "I've got it" A male voice says from behind you, before a two twenty dollar bills were placed on the counter in front of you. The familiar smell of his cologne fills your senses, "Nice to see you again Mr. Jung" You turn your head slightly, giving him the up and down before you look away.

Hoseok takes this as an invitation, sitting right next to you as he still manages to keep his distance.

Your eyes glance down at the his battered and bruised hands tapping against the black marble counter as you take a sip of your wine glass. "How about we get you something a little stronger?" Hoseok suggests, gesturing over to the bartender.  "Maybe help you loosen up a little more." He gives you an obnoxious smile.

"How about a sex on the beach?" You scoff at the mention of the girly drink, interrupting him before he embarrasses himself any further. "Actually that sunset rum looks better." You smile sweetly at Hoseok, "and much more expensive"

"Fine." Hoseok agrees as he nods towards the bartender, "and a vodka for me."

"It's like you want me to carry you out of here" Hoseok smirks, "Don't worry, that's never happened before. Either way, my guys can do that for you." You point towards your new bodyguards, they were staring at the both of you like a hawk.

Good to know they're taking their job seriously— You think as Hoseok looks back at him, "And I'm going to go ahead and say that the other pair of eyes across the room belong to you" You say as you pick up your rum, taking only a small sip and feeling nothin gas it runs down the back of your throat.

"So you pay attention" Hoseok turns back towards you, biting his bottom lip as his eyes glance up and down your body once again. The fact that she's hot is definitely a bonus—the thought crosses Hoseok's mind.

"So what brings you to Korea?" Hoseok continues, his eyes finally meeting yours. "Last I heard you were in South America" this makes you chuckle.

"Shouldn't you first buy a girl dinner before you start looking into what she's been doing for the past year?" You take a sip of your drink as you look at him with a questioning and curious look, the smile on your face was still present.

"I like getting to know said person before I continue anything" He quickly responds, somehow the atmosphere still calm and playful. "And you are one woman worth pursuing." He looks at you with that signature look all guys give, the one where they think they have you trapped in their clutches.

"I'm sorry. Is this you flirting with me?" You ask, a hint of curiosity in your tone. There was no harm in making him work for it a little longer, even if you both knew the end result.

"Oh no, I'm full-on hitting on you" Hoseok answers with another smirk, leaning in closer to your body. You chuckle, turning in your seat towards him, "Is there a difference?" You challenge him, "Yes, flirting is perceived as innocent, I prefer to go for what I want and right now — I'm looking straight at her" You genuinely chuckle, "A man who knows what he wants," a smirk, "I like it"

You always thought that the best part of your job was that most of the time, you didn't really need to pretend to be somebody else. "And I like a woman who can give me a challenge."

You could hear Jungkook gagging from the other side of the earpiece, making you bite your lip as you hold back a laugh. You can just imagine Yoongi's face of disgust as he does the little bunny scrunch he does with his nose, at how corny this conversation turned out to be.

You were sure Hoseok thought the same thing the moment he said it, he shook his head with a chuckle. "Is this conversation a little cheesy for you?" Hoseok finally gives in as he sees you trying to silently hold in your laughter. "I swear I have more game than this." He might as well try something else, being cocky and suave isn't exactly working.

You end laughing out loud at that. The once cold gangster was gone and the man trapped behind him appeared. "A little bit" You giggle, biting your bottom lip as he looks anywhere else but you.

"Uh, let me start over" He laughs silently, licking his lips as he takes another drink. He needed liquid course if he was going to get anywhere near you tonight.

"I'm usually not this sleazy" Hoseok assures you, inching his chair a little bit closer to yours. Now this side of him you can work with — it seemed almost sweet.

"I'll be the judge of that" You smile at the genuine look he was giving you. You take another sip of your 'rum', feeling absolutely sober. For some reason, you think to yourself that maybe it didn't have any alcohol in it and only one person would pay the bartender to do that.

You don't waste time as you continue to act as if the alcohol was flowing through your veins and flooding every single coherent thought in your mind. You sway your body from side to side, moving your hand to rest up high against his thigh.

You didn't dare move it out of the way and by the look on Hoseok's face, he certainly didn't mind.

"How about I walk you to your room?" Hoseok offers, taking a gulp of his vodka as his eyes catch the way your body sways from side to side — the half empty glass of rum resting lonely on the counter.

"That would be a good idea right about now." You giggle at him, wrapping your arms around Hoseok's neck. You lean your head on his chest, feeling his hands around your waist.

You watch over his shoulder as your 'bodyguards' stand up instantly, their eyes on high alert as they see you being carried out by the target. You wave your hand in their direction —telling them to sit down, that you were fine— as Hoseok holds you closer, carrying you towards the exit.

"Don't fall asleep on me now." He grunts as he feels your weight on him, feeling the swells of your breasts press against his side as he waits runs into the open elevator doors.

All Hoseok wanted to do at that moment was place his hands all over your body, to have the satisfying feeling of your skin touching his with absolutely nothing in the way. He was tempted and as the elevator doors open to your floor, he took a deep breath before he held you closer.

You look up at him through half lidded eyes, smiling as your giggles resonated through the empty hall. Nothing was funny about the situation, but you acted like a happy drunk. Hoseok's eyes glance down your dress, biting his lips as he them jiggle with every step you took.

God, how he was tempted to just push you against the wall and have his way with you. The thought of doing things to you almost made him act it out in real life and as he reached your door, he noticed your men following a couple of feet away.

"Where's your room key?" He sighs, shaking his head as if that small movement could get rid of his wicked thoughts. You took this moment to take him by surprised, leaving him with something to remember you by.

His soft, thin lips move rough against yours as his hand instantly grip on your hips, tightening and with every movement of his tongue against yours, he brings your body closer to his.

"(Y/N)?" You moan as you suddenly hear the familiar voice calling out your name, "(Y/N)?, Are you okay, I can't hear anything. What's happening?" Yoongi's panicking voice fills your ears as you finally pull away. You clear your throat, feeling yourself blush for getting lost in the kiss.

"Stop hitting the computer, it wasn't cheap!" You could hear Jungkook yell, to who you presume to be Yoongi. "I know, I'm the one paying for it!" You flinch a little as you hear feedback coming from the other side as the other two continue fighting.

"Why did you stop?" Hoseok asks, almost breathless. His eyes were still close as he swayed slightly in his spot. "Let's keep going" He jested as he leans in once again, resting his forehead against yours. "I liked where this was going." Hoseok whispers against your lips.

"How about we call it a night?" You chuckle, patting his chest before stepping out of his arms. You reach out with your hand, wiping his lips of any extra lipstick you may have passed onto him in your little moment of no self control.

Hoseok takes this moment to grab onto your hand, bringing it close against his lips. You smile as you feel him leave a lingering kiss on your lips. "Then," He smirks, his hand running up and down your sides, "go out with me tomorrow. I'll show you all the things your missing by being stuck in this hotel."

I think I just got goosebumps, you think to yourself. "Okay." You nod at his request, earning a peck on the lips, "I'll hold you to that" he whispers against your lips before the warmth radiating from his body disappears.

You watch his retreating back, confidence radiating from him in rays as you push the door your hotel suite open. "Will you two stop fighting already?" You yell out, hearing complete silence come from the other side. "I swear the two of you are like children" You mumble under your breath, finally able to throw your heels across the room.

"Please do remember that I sign your paycheck" Yoongi's annoyed voice rings out and for a moment you though of answering something related to the bedroom and who was really the boss, but then you remember Jungkook.

Letting him hear something like that with the vicinity in the room was a horrible idea —not that Jungkook will ever let you live it down. "That is irrelevant and I'm tired. Goodbye." you argue before you take off your earpiece, throwing it on one side of the bed. You throw yourself on the other side, feeling the ache in your ankles from having your heels on for so long.

"Nooo..." You open your eyes when you feel your phone vibrating against you, the name MOM flashing repeatedly before you put it on silent. "Go away." You mumble against the pillow before throwing it to the couch on the other side of the room as your eyes close once again. You'd answer his calls later.

Yoongi could only stare at the phone in frustration as he tried calling you again. He knew you weren't going to pick up this late, probably already snoring away.

To you, it never did matter if he was your boss, but then again it was his idea to continue doing whatever it was you two were doing. A relationship? Just sex?

Yoongi didn't really know. He just knew that he likes having you around him, it makes him feel all soft and tingly inside.

He lets out a deep sigh, giving up on calling you. You had done your job for today. "Stop drinking so much Red Bull" he tells Jungkook, grabbing the van from the younger ones hand and taking a sip of it himself. Leaving Jungkook dumbfounded at the action.

This is going to be a long night, he thinks to himself as he yawns, his eyes glancing at the monitors for what seemed like the hundredth time that day.

<< Chapter Three | Chapter Five >>

[priincesspacificaarchive]

ntiitaniumxwill replied to your post “40) things you said when you met my parents crime au”

*kicks door down* oKAY SO i finally got around to reading this and my eyes teared up????? like for real?????????? i love this world and this AU has a special place in my heart and ive never even thought of dip's parents and i am............... Aghast at myself but u, my lovely and incredible wife, you are so AHEAD of me?????? i dont even know where to start. all of this is so beautiful, so detailed, the emotions , the atmosphere. i might be SCREAMING

*cue me flinching at the idea of a door being kicked down near me even tho i love this “meme”* i remember feeling almost numb writing it bc i was so worried about how i was going to write major’s parents. i didn’t want him to be too distant from them, but i wanted it to be obvious they were unaware of the situation. i wanted them to be unaware of everything that had happened after stan’s death. i wanted that awkwardness of meeting your bf/husband/whatever’s parents for the first time. i wanted there to be an obvious strain, an obvious change that no one was going to talk about bc “at least our boy came back”. i wasnt sure what i was going to do with them, everyone sees them so differently, i think. so i took a kind of middle-road approach, with them having instilled certain things in their children. i really was unsure of how i was going to handle the “killing blow” scene. i knew it was what i wanted to do w why they were visiting, but i wasnt sure how i was going to have their parents react. i’ve never lost a child, i’ve barely lost a loved one. i’m not very familiar w grief personally, so i was unsure how to paint these characters w it, especially since they’re still v static i think in general. women are p much biologically coded to be more willing to show emotions and to cry than men (it’s testosterone okay) so i knew i was going to have the mom cry. most of the men in my family go into some form of shutdown when they get overly-emotional so that’s what i went w for him. also i pulled the names out of my butt and didn’t realize the “ma” part of maggie, mabel, and mason until i was in the middle of that scene and had written it like five times. so that was completely on the fly. but this is honestly something i could’ve seen easily being tens of thousands of words one-shot material. i am so so so honored you loved them, bc i was so so unsure of them the whole time i was writing them. this whole drabble was new territory. i’d never written a “meet-the-parents” scene and have barely experienced any irl so i wanted to make sure it was the right amount of awkward/heart-warming/strained-bc-of-their-life-choices thing. i wanted so desperately for it to feel like major and lioness are almost emotionally detached from the whole thing, but i knew that even if major wasn’t dipper anymore, his parents would still inspire a small piece of what might be left in major. and lioness would be nervous for so many reasons and one of them would certainly be if they’d like her. if they’d think she’s the reason he hadn’t come home in so long.

again, i always see my writing in my head like a movie, and do my best to put that movie into words. the scene at the end, w them in major’s old room, i fought w the wording and pacing w it. i wanted it to feel like a time machine and a nostalgia trip and a little bit like a funeral all at once. i wanted it to feel like what a parent must feel to walk into their child’s room when they’re no longer there. i wanted it to be a mourning period, especially for pacifica, who mourns the loss of dipper more than almost anyone else. she loves major more than anyone in the universe, more than herself, but she will always, always miss the opportunity to know dipper. to fall in love with dipper. it’s not hers to regret, but she wishes so hard she could’ve known who that boy could grow up to be. what kind of man he could’ve become.

pls never worry about thinking about the parents. i almost never think about characters parents unless they’re important for plot reasons (like paz’s).  i literally made them up as i went. i tried to take into account how old they’d be and then like, compared it to my own parents and grandparents and tried to hit an idea of what they’d do w their time. watching wheel of fortune and game shows like that is something we often do in the evenings at my one set of grandparents’ house so that’s where that came from. and then someone had give mabel even the idea of knitting so i thought her mother would be a good place (plus my grandma knits so. jacked that from her too).

also also also the whole “they can’t stay here” line of thought came from a fic i’d re-read recently and i knew that was the tone i was going for.

thank you so much for reading this and also babe i LOVE YOU and ALL THE SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT YOU’VE GIVEN ME OVER THE YEARS!!! YOU’RE ONE REASON I KEEP COMING BACK AND WRITING. THANK YOU!!!

as i mentioned i remember feeling numb writing it, and now when i read over it i feel distanced, like i’m watching from afar. i might revisit this and extend it or something bc as much as they’re static-feeling i love how i portrayed their parents and would love another opportunity to expand on them. it felt like such a big thing to tackle, bc i knew there needed to be so much written to even cover why they’d go back to california. at one point i thought maybe i’d put them in their teens and they’d be there for the tradition of introducing your partner to your parents. maybe it would be after they’re married and it’s a stop on a short honeymoon. i had a handful of ideas why, but i knew this one was the right pick as many times as i wanted to make it something else.

the “opening scene” of them in the car, in my head there’s no background muisc, maybe the rushing of the wind through open windows, but no music. i can hear something soft and melancholy and aching when they’re in major’s old room, when they look at mabel’s door is when it’d start probs. that sad full house violin music when major’s trying to tell them mabel’s gone. when he’s explaining why. (literally that track makes me cry every time) something soft but ultimately happy plays when they reunion begins, hitting a crescendo when maggie throws herself down the stairs to her son. a sort of sinister music when lioness and major are telepathically talking about what major’s done to his father’s mind.

gosh i might have to do more parts bc i can see them staying for at least a weekend if not an entire week just talking to the parents and helping them understand and cope.

i’m so glad u love it, wife, and i’m so thankful that you see the details, but ultimately i think i could’ve given even more and extended it even further. this is definitely a thing i’m open to writing more of.]

[edit: the scene where they tell them about mabel, paz mentions her empathy spiking. i’ve lowkey decided that she’s so connected to major that some of what’s given him his telepathy has sort of flowed into her, and because she’s taken on being major’s humanity, she’s extremely empathic, and the supernatural just enhanced it. so she actually feels what others are feeling. this allows her to be more aware of major’s emotional state, but also can be used to manipulate enemies and lackeys alike. she can’t manipulate their emotions, but she can use what she’s feeling from them to sway them one way or another. touching mr. pines in the scene where her body is screaming at her to be comforting could’ve been disastrous bc his emotions are running so high from less than a foot away that she already felt like she was grieving as hard as he was. she might’ve completely lost herself in his emotions if she’d touched him. it was kinda a last-minute decision in that scene but it’s an idea i like a lot. she probably wouldn’t start to develop it until she’s been with major for years.

so yeah that was supposed to be a subtle thing but idk how subtle it was so i’m explaining it all now.]

[starlit--dreams]

What’s Bred in the Bone: Part IV

Mass Effect: Andromeda

Jaal x Sara Ryder

A 600 year nap and a 2.5 million light-year journey to find out the answer: are humans and angara genetically compatible?

Rated M for strong language, some sexuality and violence. Alien-human pregnancy fic.

Spoilers for Jaal’s romance and loyalty mission, and end of game.

Part IV of ??? - Part I - Part II - Part III - Part V

“What do you mean that intel wasn’t sent by you?” Jaal growlled at the vidcom. Evfra’s holo-image crossed its arms, scowling.

“It. Wasn’t. Sent. By. Me,” he said again, emphasising every word. “In fact, I believe I distinctly told you that I would not involve the Resistance against Akksul.”

“If it wasn’t you, then who did?” Scott cut in.

“It came from the Resistance’s Headquaters,” Jaal said. “Code Kya-Teem-Uni. Only high ranking Resistance officers would be able to use that.”

“Damn it,” Evfra muttered.

“Sounds like you might have a mole,” Scott said. “But what I still don’t understand is why. Why would Akksul warn us? Why not lure us there, and go after Sara while we were busy? Or just try to get us out of the way right then?”

“He claimed it was for honor,” Jaal snorted. “But I believe it’s more for his Roekaar’s benefit than ours. I doubt they could all stomach such a thing without a warning issued first.”

“And I don’t appreciate you accusing my men and women of being moles for the Roekaar,” Evfra growled.

“What other explanation is there?” Scott asked, irritated. “If the code is only for high level Resistance -- ”

“Be at peace,” another voice broke in, and a new figure appeared in holo, next to Evfra’s image.

“Moshae Sjefa -- ”

“I sent the message,” she said matter-of-factly. “Though I didn’t think Akksul would even consider such a thing.” Jaal could hear the strain in her voice, a break in the undertones. The sorrow. He let out a deep breath. All of this and she still loved Akksul so much. She still harboured such a blind spot for the man. It was… disappointing. And heartbreaking, in a way.

“Really? You didn’t think the man with the anti-alien agenda would consider hybrid children to be anathema?” Scott started, voice getting heated.

Three pairs of hard angara eyes locked on him, and the human abandoned the train of thought.

“I thought Akksul just wanted to exchange words with Jaal,” the Moshae sighed. “I was wrong.”

“He did,” Scott sighed, letting go of his anger. “But now I think he’s going to back up those words with action.”

“And what will you do?” the Moshae asked. It was not in her usual sharp, unfettered tone. It was soft, almost defeated.

“We plan to bring Sara back onto the Tempest,” Jaal explained. “Then Akksul can’t find her so easily.”

“Well, good enough for now,” Evfra grunted. “But that’s not a long term solution.”

“We thought -- ”

“The answer is no. The Resistance will not get involved in this. Take her back to her own people, Jaal.”

“She is my wife,” he said slowly. “She is family.”

“No. The Council certainly has not decided such a thing. The Assemblage hasn’t even begun to discuss it. She has no rights under our laws.”

“She could become it,” the Moshae spoke up, a hint of her old fire back in her voice. “The Council and the Assemblage will most certainly have to address it, especially if the Ama Darav family puts pressure on the Provincial Governor. Aren’t they related by marriage to your sister’s husband’s family?”

“To my cousin Tael’s husband, they are,” Jaal confirmed. “I will speak with my mothers about it. Certainly the family has taken Sara in as one of us.”

“Use that,” the Moshae said, her voice getting stronger. “Sara must gain citizenship if you are to protect her from Akksul.”

He nodded at his former mentor, but a wave of sadness washed over him. He wasn’t entirely sure she was giving him advice for his and Sara’s sake, or Akksul’s. And the thought was crushing.

Scott ended the vidcall with the press of a button. “That went well.”

Jaal just glanced at him, and the human visibly flinched. He realized after a moment that he had misread Jaal’s guarded expression for anger, and the angara turn to face him more openly.

“I’m not angry,” he explained. “Just… weary.”

Scott ran a hand through his short hair -- the same color as his sister’s. They looked remarkably alike, although he still had trouble telling some humans apart. But they were twins, there was no mistaking that. Even from the way their eyes flicked as they were thinking about what to say, or how they rocked on the balls of their feet when they were excited about something.

“Look… Jaal. I know we don’t know each other very well. But we both love Sara, and I think we both will do whatever it takes to keep her safe. And the twins, too. I’d like us to be friends. And to trust each other.” He offered Jaal his hand.

It was all Jaal could to laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Scott asked, sounding a little hurt.

“You sister did the same thing when we first met,” he explained, grinning at him. And he took Scott’s wrist the same way he did Sara’s so long ago, correctly positioning it before laying his arm against it.

“We’re family now, Scott,” Jaal said. “And angara take that seriously.”

“I think it’s a good idea,” Lexi said as Sara lay down on the medbay bed.

“Of course you do -- so you can monitor me all the time.”

“Yes,” the asari said, “but I also think it’s good for you, Sara.” She pulled Sara’s shirt up, revealing her rounding belly in all its glory. “The Tempest is your home.”

“I just… wanted Havarl to be, too.”

“It can be, one day,” Lexi soothed, putting her hands on Sara’s belly and beginning to feel. She measured from public bone to the top of her belly -- the fundal height, she told Sara -- and said she was measuring well.

“Besides, we’re hoping it will give the marriage legitimacy,” she said. “There are… political benefits, too.”

“Wouldn’t actually living with your husband do the same?” Lexi deadpanned.

“Well… I don’t know. Maybe.”

“And you are Pathfinder. They can’t exactly expect you to give that up, legitimate or not. Pregnant or not.”

“Weren’t all of you telling me that I shouldn’t be doing a Pathfinder’s work anymore?”

“Well, certainly not the getting shot at part,” Lexi said, sighing and starting a full body scan. “Your levels look good. Iron’s a bit off… SAM, please bring up the comparison stats for angara. Looks like it’s within range for both species, although I think you need to add more iron-rich foods to your diet.”

Sara groaned. “I’m already eating enough, doc.”

“Just add some more spinach to your morning breakfast shakes,” she teased. “Has the nausea passed?”

“Mostly, but -- ” the rest of her sentence died on her lips. There was something… something different. A fluttered feeling, in her stomach, but lower. Like a butterfly caught in a net. “Oh.”

“What?” Lexi asked sharply, turning her attention back to Sara.

“I-I think… I think I felt them.” Her voice was a choked whisper, eyes wide. She felt like vomiting.

“Let’s see what they’re up to,” Lexi said, bringing up a scan of Sara’s womb. Two tiny figures appeared in 3-D in a holo. It shocked Sara to see them.

They weren’t human. They looked far more angara than that. But they didn’t look like angara either. Sara covered her open mouth in shock.

“It’s alright, Sara,” Lexi soothed. “They actually look a lot like the scans of angara fetuses I’ve seen.” The doctor looked amused at her, and Sara flushed with heat. Tears stung in her eyes. How could she laugh at her like this? So much worry came crashing out at once, releasing as angry tears.

Lexi was taken aback. “Oh, Sara, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” She went immediately to Sara’s side and wrapped her arms around the woman’s shoulders. “I apologize. I should have been more sensitive about your worries. But just from glancing at the scan, they look fairly normal, Sara. I still need to do an in depth anatomical scan, but I think they have a chance.”

That only made Sara cry harder, and curse the pregnancy hormones. Exasperated. Lexi asked SAM to call Jaal to the medbay to calm Sara down, only to get a reply that he was in a vidcom call and couldn’t come at the moment.

She called Suvi instead, who brought three mugs of steaming tea and a blanket for Sara, which the women wrapped her in.

“I’m sure Jaal will come when he can,” Suvi said in her soothing brogue. “Meanwhile, do you mind if I be in here Sara? I don’t want to impose, but -- ”

“It’s fine,” Sara replied, sighing as she finished her tea. “It’s the least I can do for you sharing your tea with us.”

“I never studied much biology,” Suvi said, sitting next to Sara and holding her hand. “But, oh, what miracles these wee things are.”

Lexi started up the scan again, and Sara’s heart lurched. She gave Suvi’s hand a squeeze, and the other gave her one in return.

The legs were digitigrade, curled up against their bellies. Tiny fists were curled up in little balls at the end of thin, tiny arms. Sara could see that their hoods were starting to develop, though they would only really develop after birth, she was told.

“Fraternal twins,” Lexi said.

“Like Scott and I,” Sara said, blinking back tears. One of the twins stretched out their legs, and Sara could actually feel it as she watched it happen. It was amazing.

Lexi began to measure on the scan, taking images and making notes on each.

“Everything okay?” Sara asked nervously.

“I’m not seeing any major defects, but I am still somewhat unfamiliar with angaran fetal development. I am working with several colleague within the Initiative as well as the Angaran government on your pregnancy. When we’ve discussed the scans, we’ll know more.” She looked at Sara, and sighed. “I don’t want to give you false hope, Sara. There could be something I’m not seeing.”

“But right now, there is still hope?”

“Yes,” Lexi said, smiling softly. “There is still hope.”

The medbay door slid open, and Jaal stalked through. “I am sorry I didn’t come...” his voice trailed off when he saw the holo image of the twins in Sara’s womb. Transfixed, he stepped closer, mouth slightly ajar.

“Those are…?”

“I’m sorry we started without you, Jaal,” Lexi said. “But I really needed to get this scans off to Aya and the Nexus to get them back at any reasonable time.”

He broke off to fix Lexi with his stare. “Those are my children,” he said plainly.

“Here, Jaal,” Suvi pipped up, wanting to break the sudden tension. “Come take my place.” She scrambled out of the way, dropping Sara’s hand. “Sara just needed a little moral support while you were busy.”

Wordlessly, Jaal went to his wife’s side, taking her hand and smoothing back her hair.

“Do you want to know the genders?” Lexi added, trying to lighten the mood.

“No -- ”

“Yes -- ”

“Ah,” Sara said, flushing. “You don’t want to know?”

“You do?” Jaal returned.

“I -- yes, I do. You know, so we can pick out names and get clothes ready.”

Jaal sighed. He sounded so… tired. “If it makes you happy, dearest. I only care if they are healthy.”

Lexi looked to Sara.

“I’ll… hold off on it, doc. Just for now. Maybe when you get the results back we can find out to celebrate.”

“Sounds like a good plan to me,” the asari said. She resumed her notations, and Sara watch Jaal’s face as he studied the holo.

“Do they look… normal?” she asked timidly.

“I… haven’t seen many fetal scans. They are considered very private, Sara.”

“Oh. Humans love to share theirs. I always thought they looked like al-- uh, like little demons or something.”

Jaal gave her a bemused look. “Don’t go showing them around Aya. Although Sahuna will probably ask to see them, in a roundabout fashion.”

“Do angara share the scans with their family?”

“It depends on their bond. Do you share your very personal, intimate details with your brother?”

“Not… all of them,” Sara said, making a face.

“And there is your answer.” He still chuckled at her. She sighed, starting to relax despite herself. Somehow, he always made her feel safe. When they had first met, he could be prickly and sarcastic, but even when his words were the same, his tone of voice was never mocking. She felt she could be the most honest person she was with him.

Lexi was very thorough with her scan, but Sara didn’t complain. She didn’t want a single thing missed, either. When she was finally allowed up off the bed, she had to pause a moment. Tenderly, she took Jaal’s massive hand in hers and pressed it firmly to her belly, just in time to catch the end of a large flutter of movement: the twins protesting at Mama changing position so quickly.

The grin that spread across Jaal’s face was indescribable. He pulled her into his arms, cradling her tenderly. Only Sara’s protests of needing the bathroom in a hurry made him let go.

[comingsoontoaskalt2d]

Parker

Like most important things, it begins over breakfast.

2D is feeling unusually peppy this morning, waking up before his boyfriend for once. He yawns contentedly, stretching, then heaves himself out of bed with difficulty. He pads to the closet and slips his dressing gown on over his nude, comparatively chubby body.

A loud snore interrupts his vague thoughts, and he smiles over at the lumpy pile of blankets that hide his boyfriend. 2D shuffles over to Stu's side of the bed and tries to bend down to kiss his cheek, then winces and rubs his lower back as a small spike of pain shoots up his spine. He rests a hand on his bulging stomach. "Always in the way, ain't ya, love?" he whispers affectionately to Parker as he quietly makes his way into the living room.

He lets the puppies out to play and do their business in the garden, giggling a bit as they blink bewilderedly at the slight sting of frost on their little paws. After bringing them all back in and pouring their food into their bowls (only spilling a small amount), he has the brilliant idea of making breakfast in bed for Stuart.

Humming to himself, he scrambles some eggs, makes toast, even fries a bit of bacon. 'E's gonna be so surprised, 2D thinks, smiling. A lovely breakfast, the dogs already taken care of so there's no rush to get out of bed...maybe they'll even have a bit of time to fool around before heading to the studio. He lays their food out on a tray and carefully carries it into their bedroom, intending to wake Stu with either the delicious aroma or with a kiss– a successful one this time.

Instead, Stuart wakes to the sound of a loud, sudden gasp of pain, followed by the clatter of a tray full of food falling to the floor. He sits bolt upright, eyes still sleepy but alert with panic. "Bluebird, what's–"

One look at his boyfriend's face is all he needs in order to know instantly what's happening. But 2D tells him anyway, voice trembling in pain, fear, and overjoyed excitement as he rests a shaking hand on his stomach.

"S-Stu...she's comin'. Our– our baby's on her way."

—

By this time, they’ve reached the hospital. Stu skids to a stop, parks, and rushes over to 2D’s side of the car to help him out. “C'mon, love, we’re here, it’s okay, holy shit, it’s gonna be okay…”

His boyfriend nods, clutching his stomach. There are tears in his dark eyes from the painful contractions, but he’s smiling. “D-don’t let g-go of my hand, o-o-okay?” he manages.

“Don’t worry. I’m never lettin’ go of ya, bluebird.”

—

At the hospital, the nurses have put 2D in a wheelchair to make it faster for him to be taken to the delivery room. He’s got a death grip on Stuart’s hand as his boyfriend trots alongside him through the hallways.

“Heh, ’s like the dodgems, innit love?” he mumbles offhandedly. Stu looks at him in bewilderment, so he explains, “The wheelychairs. ’S like– ah!” He cringes as another contraction sends a jolt of pain through his body.

“Sure, love. Just– just hold on, yeah?”

—

2D, pale and panting, is wheeled into the delivery room. Stu keeps clutching his hand as he’s laid down.

“Okay, the procedure will take about an hour,” the doctor tells them as the IV, catheter, and screen are set up. “The anesthesiologist will be here soon, so you won’t have to worry about any pain.”

—

“Where’s ev'ryone?” 2D mumbles as the anesthesia starts taking effect.

“They’re on their way, sweetheart.” Stu kisses his forehead as the doctor prepares him for the surgery. “They’ll be in the waitin’ room, and then once Parker is all set and safe– oh my god I still can’t believe this is happening– once Parker is finally in your arms they can come in and see ya.”

—

“It…it feels funny.” 2D’s eyes, already hard to get a read on, are a bit glassy from the anesthesia. His breathing has slowed to a normal rate and he’s feeling a bit calmer– as opposed to his boyfriend, whose heart feels like it’s going to burst out of his chest.

“It d-doesn’t hurt, does it? They said it wouldn’t hurt!” He glares accusingly at the doctors.

2D pats his cheek in a reassuring way. “Nah, it don’t hurt. Just…a funny pinchin’ feelin’. You're– you’re squeezin’ me hand too tight, love.”

“S-sorry.” He loosens his grip, but only a little. “I’m just worried and excited and– r-right, that probably isn’t helpin’ you. Right. Just– breathe with me, yeah?”

His boyfriend smiles. “Yeah.”

—

And then they hear her. A high, piercing wail. 2D gasps and Stuart’s vicelike grip on his hand loosens in joy and relief.

She’s tiny and wrinkled and red, screaming her little lungs out as the doctor gently lifts her. “Mr. Pot, would you like to cut the cord?” she asks, smiling. Stuart can barely nod. His hands tremble as he carefully cuts the umbilical cord with the instrument handed to him.

“Stu, she's– she’s perfect,” 2D whispers. “She’s ours, a-and she’s here, and she’s perfect.” Stuart can’t hold back a small, undignified sob as he and his boyfriend look wonderingly at their daughter.

Her face is somewhat red and squashed-looking, but it’s already clear that she’s inherited her fathers’ thick eyebrows. She has 2D’s pre-accident brown eyes, Stuart’s long, slightly upturned nose– and a downy thatch of light blue hair. She blinks up at them, squinting.

“Welcome to the world, Miss Parker.”

—

The entire time the incision in 2D’s lower stomach is being stitched up, he’s a fidgety mess. “Where is she? I wanna see ‘er!”

“She’s being cleaned up and stabilized, Mr. Pot,” the doctor tells him. “You’ll be able to hold her soon, don’t worry. And we need to make sure you’re all set, too.”

2D frowns. “I’m fine! Why’s it takin’ so long?!”

“We need to conduct some tests to make sure she’s healthy. It’ll only be a few more minutes.” She puts her tools down. “Okay, it’s safe for you to try and sit up now.”

He does, with his boyfriend’s help. Just as he leans upright against the headboard, a nurse comes in holding Parker. She’s swaddled up in clean, soft blankets, brown eyes half-lidded and tiny lips pursed.

“She’s quite healthy,” the nurse informs them. “Six pounds, one ounce, and a healthy set of lungs. The only problem is her hearing.”

Stuart nods, unable to take his eyes off the tiny human they’ve created. “Yeah, w-we knew she’d be deaf.”

“Actually, no.” Both blue-haired men shoot their heads up. “From the initial tests, it appears she’s only deaf in her right ear. As she ages, even that may change.”

2D lets out a small, happy sob as an incredulous grin spreads across Stu’s face. “She…she can hear us?” The nurse nods, carefully handing Parker to 2D.

2D cradles her close. “Hullo, love,” he whispers. “It’s real, real nice t'meet ya. We’re your dads.”

—

Shortly after 2D falls asleep, Stuart’s leg starts jiggling. He’d had to use the bathroom since that morning– obviously, the circumstances of their morning had put his bladder completely out of his mind. But now that all three Pots were at the hospital, safe and happy and healthy, he finds himself shifting uncomfortably in his chair. Regretfully, he stands up, Parker cradled safely in his arms, and goes to find a nurse to take the baby for a short time.

After he’s come back from the toilet, he’s greeted by the sight of a still dozy 2D, who smiles groggily at him. “Where’s th’ baby?” he asks upon seeing Stuart’s empty arms.

He lies down next to his boyfriend– luckily the beds are large enough for two in the maternity ward– and kisses his cheek. “She’s with the nurse. You can go back to sleep, bluebird, ya don’t have to worry about anythin’.”

2D sighs, snuggling comfortably up next to him. “Ahh…’m so lucky, Stu. Lucky to ‘ave you, lucky to 'ave Parker…’m so happy, I could jus’ burst.”

“Thought you already did that a few hours ago.”

He snorts and tucks his head against Stuart’s neck. “Gross. ’S more magical than that, love.”

And that’s the word for it, thinks Stuart. Magical. Magical that he and 2D had met, magical that he had gotten pregnant– actually, literally magical– and now with the uncomplicated birth, not to mention her hearing loss being loads less severe than they’d anticipated. It really was like the universe had come together to make all this happen for the two of them…for the three of them. And he couldn’t be more grateful.

[creative-ive]

Top Albums of 2017

2017, the weird year of political distress, independence as an option, an entirely evolving digital music world where artists were born for the new age. 

Creative-ive chose to give our creatives an opportunity for their voice to be heard. They were brave enough to put down their thoughts on the album most impactful on their lives/culture this year. (They are in no particular order)

Enjoy the reviews. Please share it with those you love.

______________________________________________

We begin with the Saturation Trilogy

Saturation 1 - BROCKHAMPTON

The fascinating thing about a creative collective is the ability to see every individual’s contribution to the whole. Being a part of a creative group and still maintaining the voice that makes you, you isn’t just a feat but something to be admired. So for the 12 member Brockhampton boy band to seemingly come out of nowhere and drop this 17 track album uniquely constructed with fuck you heavy bangers and beautifully vulnerable songs as a debut album is nothing short impressive. Like reallyyyyyy impressive.

“I’ll break your neck so you can watch your back” is one of the furious rhymes Brockhampton lay down on the opening track that shows the pure aggression of the young collective. Lyrically, this album delivers haymaker type bars on all of its tracks.The album is reminiscent of the exciting power that the Wu-Tang brought on 36 Chambers (yea, I just said that. Brockhampton has the talent and balls to be THAT influential). However, as aggressive as several of these tracks are, this album brings to the table a flavor that doesn’t get discussed nearly enough. This album brings gives you sincere emotional honesty. On the standout track, Milk you get a moving personal account to what it means growing up and finding yourself. Not in the cliche travel to Rome, fall in love and find yourself way, but in the personal testimonies, the group tells all. The themes on this song are nothing short of amazing for anyone let alone a debut album; understanding letting go, coping with heartbreak, realizing you’re not okay, fearing losing the people you love, and ultimately moving forward with all those feelings in your heart and continuing on your path.

If you want an album you can relate to in a brutally sincere and genuinely furious capacity, do yourself a favor and spin this.

Written by Oscar Aquino

Saturation 2 - BROCKHAMPTON

Brockhampton, the boyband that flipped the game upside down and continuously impresses with consistency. The first one made people pay attention and while they did, quickly released a second album to cement their talents. This album propelled them into the masses and the ears of Tyler who booked them for his Camp Flog Gnaw Carnival. In the Brockhampton documentary, Kevin mentions capitalizing on the hype and to continue riding the Saturation wave with messages that compel their audience. To saturate with real messages in a world of processed music. This is what has caused this young generation to stan this group much like we did for Odd Future years ago.

Gummy, a five-letter word, begins the album where the rest are too, aside from the final track. Kevin Abstract starts off with the anger of not being appreciated enough despite his influence. He takes the perspective of a hater mentioning the fact he can’t rap and stays playing a role of high school loser yet he’s already in 20’s. Kevin’s self-awareness, as well as the rest of group, is incredibly impressive. Ameer Vann, the man on the album’s cover, starts off by saying he’s the king that deserves a crown made of thorns like Jesus. Dom McLennon says, “I could get shot in my back and they’d tell the world that I fought ‘em,” to which he’s referencing Michael Brown and the state of police in our country. He shows no fear in bringing such a touchy subject into his verse and make positive use of his platform.

The Rap God said, “let there be light”, and on that day, he united a boyband to save Hip-Hop.

Queer, Matt Champion expresses his insecurities about having no muscles which would often represent femininity in males. He talks about having to walk to work and mindlessly work for 8 hours. Now that he’s reaping some success as an artist he can’t stop, there’s no chance he’s going to vacation. Matt shares that he has depression and it is not erased by fame. Yet he will continue to grind at it. Merlyn Wood starts off by saying “fuck Dolce & Gabbana, racist mothersuckers tyna be my pana (partner),” this is such a rebellious take where most rappers would flaunt a brand, they’re taking shots at their non-sensitive advertising. “The Waco is far away, I don’t even mind, as long as you stay right here, right next to my side,” Kevin sings on the hook. They all seem to take perspectives of their rising fame and going away from their hometown of Waco in Texas. I feel the word queer is used in the context of weird, for their position in the rap game and being “radical” enough to think they can make it in music. If they remain a resilient support group for each other, they will continue to elevate themselves.

To me, the craziest part is the fact most of them met through KanyeToThe forum where they all decided to move to LA and start a boy band. On Jello, Kevin raps “met all my friends through Kanye West and I ain’t met him yet.” Ameer always raps about the duality of being a gangster/drug dealer to now garnering success through making records. He says, “turned rap into the new pop,” which is the best lyric of this song solely because of their desire to break the conventional stigmas on words such as boyband and what pop music is.

Teeth is an interlude which only features Ameer showcasing his personal dealings with racism and hardheadedness towards his mother. She only wanted him to excel by putting him in white schools where all he “learned” there was that he was different (by his skin color). He professes that Brockhampton will soon have stars on Sunset Boulevard. Reminiscent of Kanye West’s Homecoming line, Ameer leaves off with a shining piece of wisdom, “if you shooting for the stars, you only headed one way.”

Swamp entails their ability to “[fuck] commas up from the outside,” the outside is their place in rap where they’re still not being taken seriously. Merlyn, “never would’ve met my friends if not for satellites … luckily professor failed me at the proper time.” He has often expressed the leap of faith that he took moving to California with the rest of the group. The internet made them what they are, there’s magic in the connectedness of the web.

Tokyo themes around insecurity, regret, and past mistakes. Joba expresses his inner conflict of what-ifs in his life. They discuss the notion of what has you “shook” on a Saturday or any day.

Jesus is where Kevin’s talking about a toxic relationship. “Remember when I was trippin’ off some wack shit, when I thought the automatic had an answer?” Kevin says to himself. Often when we’re stuck in maniac depressive state we think that a gun or suicide will have the solution to our inner problems. But in hindsight, Kevin’s chuckling at how wack that problem was and his happiness of not taking his life.

Chick, Matt is honest with his purpose to make “loot” for himself while inspiring “some of you, to do what you do despite all the fuck you’s.” Those that are around you that don’t support you are often projecting their own insecurities. The message is to continue through all the hate because they won’t ever realize the vision until you’re “shitting on the toilet with Grammy’s in your lap.” Ameer raps about “[people] talk a lot of shit, in a safe place, aiming with they keyboard, they shootin’ up a case (uppercase).” He tweeted his anger about internet trolls and how it affects him due to insecurities.

Junky, Kevin wastes no moments in delving into the landscape of being a gay rapper. Kevin uses his platform to speak for those that can’t. “And for me to be onstage in front of that many kids and for them to be like, damn, I identify with this person – now they have a new hero that looks like them,” Kevin said in his interview for the Guardian. Matt uses his verse to discuss the notions of patriarchy and males power over women in feeling they owe us something (sexual favors). This is a beautiful idea that is often not present in a machismo culture that rap is. He calls for men to respect these women as individuals with choices in their actions. Women are humans too, not objects to stick our junk into.

Fight, Ameer states, “my male role models drug dealers and thugs,” wherein the black (minority) community rings true too loudly. He explains how he deserves to be hanged from trees like the rest of history by his teachers. Black people are “born with a target” which is stuck on their skin unable to be removed. Ameer understands that he will have to live with this for the rest of his life.

Sweet, my favorite track on the album starts off with Matt talking to his subconscious representative of his care-free/alter ego self. He expresses his successes or issues to which it replies to him. He asks himself questions that as a rising star should have it figured out based on the perception of fame. A big ego, girls flocking like seagulls, paying off your mom’s house so she can live comfortably for the rest of her life. The standout verse of the whole album hands down is Joba’s. His journey of leaving for LA with $300 dollars to his name, living off of Ramen, to now eating $500 dollar dinners not even having to pay. He reflects on his teacher’s hard instilled thoughts of having to go to college to be successful in life. His flashback to his Walkman days of listening to NSYNC that a desire to be Justin Timberlake inspired his dream. Ironically, what was the biggest boyband of possibly all time now has a new flame reaching for their spot: Brockhampton.

Gamba, off the hook, seems to be in the perspective a baby callin’ for their parents, trying to reach them only to trip and fall. The parent then asks them “what you gonna do when you older? What you gonna do when you grow?” This seems to be the running theme throughout the entire Saturation Trilogy, that they’re reaching for their dreams.

Sunny, the standout lyric is how now Ameer’s making clean money and working 7 days a week non-stop, “My daddy called me, said he seen my last video, looking at a young me, coulda had a heatstroke.” His father seemed to always nag him about being a respectable man and now he’s finally doing it. His father is proud of his success, reflecting on his younger self, he would have fainted.

Summer, the most beautiful song on the album with the vocals of bearface. With the production so elegant and its guitar sweet-sounding to that of Kanye West’s Gorgeous off My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. Tells a story of summer love in the heat of it all, that person you meet that is so different from the rest.

Saturation 2, my personal favorite of the entire trilogy stands out to me as their official stamp in the rap industry to prove they were no creative fluke. Kevin Abstract has formed his “own dynasty” much like Def Jam, a total force in creativity. Not only as a boyband but as a record label, a media company/ad agency. There’s so much to be learned from this group and that there are no excuses for your potential success. It’s all a matter of how much you want it. “There’s also Apple, it started in a small room and it becomes this huge corporation. Basically, how I wanna be.” Kevin says in an interview with Fader. They’re not following a specific blueprint, they’re winging it and believing whole-heartedly in their visions. That ideal of friends lifting other friends up towards stardom. It inspires me, it makes me want to dream more, go after what I want. There are no excuses in the internet age of not taking hold of your dreams. You are who you surround yourself with. The people around you become the boiling pot of how you’re brewed for the world’s consumption. Surround yourself with dreamers, shoot your shot, in all directions because you don’t want to limit yourself to only one way.

Written by Erik De La Cruz

Saturation 3 - BROCKHAMPTON

If you don’t know who BROCKHAMPTON is by now, don’t worry, they’ll keep flooding the internet with content until you do. With their final installment in the Saturation Trilogy, the unorthodox collective has somehow managed to do the unthinkable; progressively improve each studio project within a year span.

Saturation III is by far the most enticing and diverse narrative from the LA based group. From the heavenly R&B falsetto on BLEACH, to the chaotic opening dance number in BOOGIE, this album offers a little bit of something for both casual listeners and All-American Trash stans alike.

With their latest work BROCKHAMPTON offers a more mature and vulnerable take on their music. Partnered with incredible production from members Romil, Q3 (Jabari & Kiko), and Bearface, the album serves to tackle taboo themes such as isolation, sexuality, and mental health. The track Sister/Nation stands out with first half production reminiscent of an early Odd Future. Here member JOBA, channels his inner Marshall Mathers with vocal stacks acting as multiple personalities. At the 3:51 mark the title production abruptly transitions into a synth and layer heavy canvass where members Ameer and Dom recite verses addressing societal normalities in adolescence and racial division.  

In my personal opinion, BROCKHAMPTON member JOBA, completely stands out with his contributions to Saturation III. His versatile abilities include but are not limited to singing, songwriting, rapping, production, and engineering. Whether it be background vocals on STUPID, unorthodox cadences on ZIPPER, or production on TEAM, JOBA’s signature is somehow stamped on every Saturation III track.  

I will admit when I heard that BROCKHAMPTON planned on releasing three studio projects in 2017, I was extremely skeptical. However, it is the end of December and I am currently sitting here writing a review for the biggest musical surprise of 2017. It’s become apparent that with creative direction led by Kevin Abstract, non-replicable chemistry, and unconventional practices, BROCKHAMPTON has all eyes on them for 2018.

Standout Tracks: SISTER/NATION, BLEACH, JOHNNY

Standout Lyric:

“It seems I’m destined to fall apart when I’m depressed, it’s all a test, scream at God from my bedside, I glue my hands together, life’s got me hog-tied.”

 Written by Tommie Brown 

Laila’s Wisdom - Rapsody

“A better one.”

The opening lines of Laila’s Wisdom, Rapsody’s Grammy-nominated second studio album, echo the popular phrase of Miami’s larger-than-life DJ Khaled. However, when it comes to making classic albums, her goal isn’t just “another one.” On this album, named after her maternal grandmother, Rapsody sets her sights on making it “a better one” than her last, and she succeeds with gusto.

Let’s get the obvious out of the way: Rapsody has been killing it for years. Anyone who’s heard her rhyme knows that she can hang with the best. Just take a listen to her standout verse on Kendrick Lamar’s “Complexion (A Zulu Love).” One listen to that verse and anyone can see that she’s a star. She deserves all the recognition for her lyrical ability, complexity, wordplay, and depth. One play-through of a Rapsody verse is not enough; her lyrics are those that you must go back and listen to repeatedly to fully grasp the triple-entendres and flips that she laces in her stories.

Now that we’ve established her past, let’s talk about the present, especially as it relates to the gift of an album we were blessed with this year. Before even listening to the album, a look at the production credits for this project should let you know that this is something special. 9th Wonder’s contributions to this project cannot be overstated. It’s common knowledge that this man is an absolute legend and beast when it comes to his samples and chops, but this work is something special. 9th and Rapsody have a musical bond that dates back to her signing with his indie label It’s A Wonderful World Music Group back in 2008 and it’s clear as day on this album. He’s credited as a producer on 9 of the album’s 14 tracks (7 of those being solo); this goes a long way in making a project that’s both lyrically AND sonically cohesive.

It’s hard to pick out some of my favorite songs on this project, seeing as how they’re all fantastic, so I’ll just go straight through. The title track of the album is a powerful opening over a sample of Aretha Franklin’s “Young, Gifted, and Black.” Rapsody sets the tone early on, that we’re about to be blessed with the lessons of her grandmother she carefully laced throughout the album. “Power” is easily a standout track, outside of Kendrick and Lance Skiiiwalker’s assists to Rapsody’s musings of power, both external and internal. “Chrome (Like Ooh)” has one of the BEST beat switches I’ve heard all year, outside of DUCKWORTH (produced by 9th, unsurprisingly.) Producers Khrysis and Ka$h Don’t Make Beats both knocked that one out of the park, and continue the flow beautifully into “Pay Up.”  On this song, Rapsody creates a tale of two gold-diggers, both female and male, the latter a flip on the common view of women as opportunists in the music industry.

Ridin’ is a come-down from the upbeat pace of the previous track. It’s smooth and silky, something that you can spark one up to and ride around your hood with your friends, contemplating your places in life. This song comes with another gorgeous beat switch, featuring a Busta Rhymes sample (more on him in a bit) that switches the scene to a house party that gets rolled up on by the cops. Rapsody promises to turn down the volume, only to turn it right back up as soon as the doors close in direct and unapologetic defiance. This is a party for Rapsody and her friends to unwind from daily strife, and she’ll be damned if a cop kills the vibe.

Now I’ll admit, though I didn’t feel the vibe on “Sassy” that much, it’s still an amazing track, and I wholly understand that it’s not for me. By that, I mean that this is a track of empowerment, especially for women; this is evident in the references to Maya Angelou’s “Still I Rise.” Rapsody uses her words to continue the message of the original: that she is going to thrive at being exactly who she wants to be, regardless of whether or not others find it offensive (and if you do, the 1950’s is where you can take ALL of your seats). The album continues into “Nobody,” with features in the forms of Moonchild and Anderson .Paak’s gorgeous vocals and Black Thoughts always stellar words of wisdom.

In the interest of brevity, I’m going to skip ahead a couple tracks, but not without mentioning Busta Rhymes’ feature on “You Should Now.” It’s gorgeous and makes you just want to love your significant other with all of your heart. The contrast of his trademark gruff with the sensitivity and passion that he feels for this woman is perfection and is capped off by the final lines and chuckle that he delivers.

“A Rollercoaster Jam Called Love” is a special song; Rapsody starts off talking to a lover about her need for space, but not too much of it. She wants to strike the perfect balance of love with this person, where they can both be themselves while still enjoying their time and bond together. She knows that it’s not an easy task, but also knows that the work it takes is necessary to maintain the healthy relationship. 9th’s transitions on this track mirror the ups and downs of a relationship; not every day is the best, and it’s necessary to be okay with letting things slow down at times to really build a life-long partnership. The track closes out with the couple splitting, and the breakup is solidified on “U Used 2 Love Me.”

“Knock on My Door” finds Rapsody telling the story of her pining for a neighbor of hers, wishing that he would come and knock on the door of her life and let her take care of the rest. It’s the feeling that we’ve all felt before; your mind’s imagination runs through all the possibilities of how you and your crush will finally get together. The final verse plays out as an imaginary conversation with this new boo, revealing Rapsody’s imagination of what the vibe would be like between the two.

.Paak returns for “OooWee,” injecting his signature vocals to bring an extra helping of soul into this track where Rapsody talks that talk in full glory. She knows she’s got the juice and isn’t willing to let the people know that she’s a boss.

And now, the final track, “Jesus Coming.” This song is something special. 9th’s simple loop with minimal percussion gives the song space to let the emotion of Amber Navran’s vocals seep through before Rapsody begins her tale of loss. The first verse seems to be from the perspective of someone dying of an overdose after being peer-pressured to partake in drugs/alcohol/etc. The background “Time to Go Home” sample replays throughout, which Rapsody incorporates into her lyrics. The second verse is from the perspectives of a mother and a daughter who are shot and killed in a park by stray gunfire stemming from a nearby argument. The mother notices the men escalated tensions and tries to leave but it’s too late, and Rapsody provides their final words as they lay dying. In the final verse, Rapsody closes out the song from the perspective of two dead soldiers on opposite sides of the same war, drawing the parallels in the two and how they were more alike than they could have imagined. She injects raw emotion into each of the verses, changing up the delivery perfectly to make each of the stories hit home, regardless of your background.

This album was criminally under-appreciated by the masses this year, and I believe this is largely because of the sheer quantity of music that was released in 2017. Though it’s easy for great bodies of work to get lost in the sauce, this album does not deserve that fate. This is an album that deserves to be recognized as the best album of the year.

Laila’s Wisdom will be a classic that will be talked about for years to come, and I’m excited to see Rapsody continue to grow and build a career that will see her go down as one of the all-time greats of hip-hop.

Written by Lewis Holloway

Digital Druglord - Blackbear

My favorite album of the year comes from the artist by the name of blackbear. One where the central themes of women and drugs are prevalent but he’s still able to convince the listener into feeling for him. Making you feel what he feels, whether it be lust, betrayal, or feeling numb. Digital Druglord does just that. Whether you put yourself in his shoes or you tie in his lyrics to your own life, emotions will be felt. So, in essence, the act of feeling and feeling nothing, are the main drive in the creation of this album. The inner struggle with drugs, being taken advantage of, and not being able to love is broad but connects to plenty of hearts. Feelings of bitterness and a sense of hopelessness are stained in each track and will leave you alone to wonder if you could be able to cope with such a lifestyle and self-reflect.  Sonically, it comes together elegantly with Blackbear’s vocals layered on top of each other with melodic and catchy beats. It’s an album that’s worth to be listened to with an open mind, there is at least something you can take away personally from this project.

if i could i would feel nothing, stands out as the outlying track that sums up the album and puts a whole new meaning to being numb. It’s a song you play when nothing seems to be going your way or when life feels like in a cycle you cannot change. Blackbear is his most vulnerable on this track, from lyrics from, “Mixed prescriptions, bad decisions, world is cold and life’s not fair,” to “I’ve been prayin’ they won’t find me, laying somewhere in a ditch,” blackbear is having trouble accustoming to his newfound stardom.

Written by Kevin De La Cruz

Flower Boy - Tyler, The Creator

Out of all the albums that came out this year, I would have to say that amongst the group Flower Boy by Tyler the Creator stuck out to me the most. As someone who has listened to Tyler from his early on cockroach eating days in his video for Yonkers, Tyler has come a long way with Flower Boy. This album as a whole is as bright as it’s album art and in my opinion a true artistically defining moment for Tyler. Tyler expressed that after his performance at his festival Camp Flog Gnaw he was glad to no longer had to perform Yonkers which was the song that got him on the map. He believed he had enough great songs on his album to retire that song from his performances, he was glad that he could finally be himself and not the crazy Tyler everyone expects him to be. In Flower Boy, there are 14 tracks each their own work of art. What stuck out to me about this album is that each song is catchy in their own way, each song has a hook that almost everyone can sing along to examples being “Run it, run it, run it, run it I rock, I roll, I bloom, I glow (I glow)” from Where This Flower Blooms or “who dat boy, who him is” from Who Dat Boy and “ boredom, boredom, boredom, boredom” from his song Boredom with Rex Orange County and Anna Of The North, to name a few. However, the song that sticks out to me the most was Where This Flower Blooms which featured Frank Ocean. The song is essentially a story talking about his early beginnings about living at his grandmother’s house and having to sleep on the floor due to having no bed. There were nights where he had nothing to eat but had supportive friends that would let him stay at their place and cook for him, which he saw as his second family. He talks about how the Rent-a-Center, a furniture store known for allowing payment plans would call and show up to his home for repossession of the items due to lack of payments. However, now he can afford luxuries such as expensive cars which is something he brings up numerous times in the album.

“Now I skrrt, skrrt, skrrt, skrrt, in toys I only dreamed that I could afford, now I roll through Okaga”

In that he means that he can now drive his expensive cars he dreamt about through Okaga which has been speculated to be a place where Tyler can be free to do whatever he wants due to the success he has worked so hard for throughout the years. In the hook, he says “I rock, I roll, I bloom, I grow (I glow)” which to me means his progression as an artist, Tyler has truly bloomed from this album which may be the reason he named the album Flower Boy. He is not only seen as a rapper but a true creative. Tyler has come far from his early days of sleeping on the floor to being a rapper, record producer, music video director, and now designer of his own brand. Flower Boy truly captured his growth and I believe is a true representation of who Tyler Okonma truly is.

Written by Stephanie Salas

Cozy Tapes Vol.2: Too Cozy - A$AP MOB

Grab your surfboards, A$AP MOB making waves again!

The second installation of A$AP’s Cozy Tapes was released as part of “The AWEGEST” campaign which saw the release of Asap Ferg’s Still Striving, Twlevyy’s album 12 and the unveiling of a website, awgeshit.com, a home base created by The Mobs influences in music fashion and culture. Back to the album haha

Cozy’s intro is a roast session among teens, in a bus on the way to Yamborghini High, letting you know A$AP is about to take you to school. The engineering is top of the line. Contributions from A-listers Hit-Boy, RZA, and Hector Delgado (an A$AP staple) deliver intoxicating posse cuts: Perry Aye and What Happens mixed in with tracks that make you want to spazz out like the Bahamas, Please Shut Up, and of course Feel So Good. Along with producers comes a bevy of featured artists (Jaden Smith, Gucci Mane, Frank Ocean etc…) who know the standard, and drop verses that exude confidence and challenge each other to prove who has the sauce, no one is just collecting a check here. The definite standouts on the album are Playboi Carti age 20 at the time of release age and Smooky MarGielaa age 15. 15!! Each deserve a rookie of the year award for hanging with veterans and not skipping a beat. Those honorable mentions shed light on the fact that the A$AP brand shows all the signs of growth for the future, consistency, and no slowing down. From its inception in Harlem to its blog on Tumblr led by A$AP Yams {R.I.P} to its rise in power from rap crew to Monolith, A$AP Mob has cemented itself as a pillar in Hip-Hop. Evident as the leaders in music fashion and whatever else they put their hands on, A$AP is going to continue to push boundaries influence and inspire the future generations as they are doing now. Wrapping up the album, the message for “shit is real out here love each other lift each other up … do whatever you want but you can’t change this fucked up world if you’re dead.” Always Strive And Prosper. Insert wave emojis xxx

Written by David Magadan

Verse 2 - JJ Project 

JJ Project did a comeback after 5 years on July 2017 with the most beautiful and meaningful album I’ve ever heard this year.

“Tomorrow, Today” the song title talks about how people between 20-25 go

through a phase where they are lost and don’t know what to do with their life. I believe many people can relate to this song because nowadays a lot of young adults are facing this in their lives where they’re lost and want to give up, where they expect people to take them and guide them when the reality is that you have to look for yourself and have to find your own path. All the songs have meaningful lyrics talking about life, relationships, and friendship.

You can definitely feel the meaning of the songs and not only the lyrics, the music is amazing with vibes of R&B and Soul that can make you feel at peace and happy.

The mission of JJ Project was to make a beautiful and meaningful album to help us find our way and they achieved it because thanks to this album I feel like I’m not the only one facing a lot of things. Even if it’s in Korean you should take a time to listen (and look up for the translations of the songs of course) I assure you this album will help you find your way.

Written by Carolina Maddox

Tell Me You Love Me - Demi Lovato

Demi Lovato, the prized Disney starlet, comes back in 2017 with a vengeance to be respected by the world, she’s gracefully singing to the world to tell her they love her, and she’s not sorry for it. Through her YouTube Red documentary, you see her story of this albums process and it’s both wonderful and alarming.

Tell Me You Love Me, the title track tells a story of insecurities, needing to have a significant other in her life, and the need to fill that void within her. She’s vulnerable in her flaws and the strong urge to keep this relationship intact. From the infatuation driven honeymoon relationship of Sexy Dirty Love, she seems to be exploring her sexuality casually with others till finally finding one that drives her crazy in the best ways. 

You Don’t Do It For Me Anymore, tells a story of her breaking up with her past-self filled with addictions and an eating disorder. Often, we feel bad for ourselves and expect pity from external sources, she finally picks herself up and decides enough is enough. To leave a lover is one thing, but to rip apart a past version of yourself is the most difficult breakup anyone can ever have. To want to grow and unlearn all these past agreements instilled in ones mind it brutal and excruciating mentally. 

Daddy Issues, she explores the duality of effects a father leaving a daughter emotionally drained at an early age could do in her future relationships. She expresses the fact she’s in love with broken men with commitment issues - a tough reality to admit. “You’re the man of my dreams, cause you know how to leave,” just like her father, she longs to find that in her soulmate. No matter how shitty he treats her, “lucky for [him]” she’s got daddy issues and will stay doing whatever he wants to keep him from leaving forever – like her father.

She insists jumping the boundary of having a platonic relationship to “Ruin the Friendship.” She talks about the sexy, fun, and a bit scandalous idea of wanting to hook up with a close friend or best friend. In what is a continuation of the last song, she expresses her strong desire to fill voids in Only Forever, giving that person a lifetime of chances. She’s firm in her request only to say that she’ll wait no matter how long it takes for them to be together.

Lonely and Crybaby showcase her effects of being left heartbroken to a lover she gave her all to. Demi seems to contradict herself throughout the album which is the foundation of humans. Lonely is Demi longing for her past lover yet continuously chasing love in hollow one-night stands. Crybaby shows her stubbornness to claim she isn’t one but admits that this lover really hit her heart where she had no choice but to weep. Those that hold themselves to be invincible emotionally when they do fall, they crash hard.

Games, in a digital age with Tinder and Bumble, relationships have become sort of a game to score. Technology has enhanced our ability to have options while simultaneously flooding our tear ducts with more hurt. Left on read, no double texting, late night “wyd” texts - all a result of lack of communication.

Occasionally through this harsh world, you meet a fantastic lover that can leave you scavenging for water and the inability to "Concentrate” after sex. She is so awestruck by the performance she’s willing to do anything and be a sex slave. I appreciate Demi’s ability to be so confident in her sexual urges without feeling shamed.

Demi from heartbreak to taking romantic risks in going on adventures with someone she trusts. Hitchhiker, tells a story of just going along for the ride and not overthinking all the labels people tend to put on relationships. She’s young, sexy, and confident. She has every right to be vulnerable while taking the risk at this new love that’s driving her wild.

I wanted to shed light on this beautiful album. She truly wowed me with her vulnerabilities, contradictions that make her human despite her celebrity, and flaws in self that make her, her. Although it was Grammy snubbed, it deserves to be recognized as a coming of age masterpiece. She uses her platform to tell girls it’s okay to be recklessly confident in yourself, it’s okay to rely on a lover and needing them, it’s okay to show weakness in this maddening hookup culture. She’s fearless in her desire to want to be heard for who she is. There’s duality in love, the good and bad will always be there and no human can be perfect. Neither is Demi, so give it a listen, and go tell her you love her.

Written by Erik De La Cruz

Harry Styles - Harry Styles (Self-titled)

If there is one thing to be true about the year 2017, it is that it has been one hell of a year for music. Harry Styles is definitely in my top 10 albums of the year and I was hesitant to listen to him at first since I was never a huge fan of One Direction. Let me tell you, I was completely wrong. Get ready to transport back to the 60′s with this funky rock and roll inspired album. There is a song for every mood and every song is a fresh new take on some of your favorite classic bands. On the contrary, Harry isn’t afraid to be vulnerable with this album, and you hear this in acoustic songs like Two Ghosts, Sweet Creature. His voice on melodic ballads of piano and guitar makes my heart melt and I am definitely all up in my feels when it comes to these songs. I love that the acoustics are balanced with fun and quirky rock songs like Kiwi and Carolina. You can catch me blasting these playful numbers in my car with my best friend belting out all the words. The energy is amazing and none of these songs ever get old.

The songs that spoke out to me the most would probably have to be Sign of the Times or From the Dining Table. Sign of the times is such a successful single that I believe goes into how hard and dark life can be. We have all felt lost and hopeless but we still have to keep moving forward. Our life here on Earth is very short lived and we go through many experiences but we all end up in the same place. This is a heavy song yet beautifully written and recorded. It showed us all a side of Harry that he kept hidden. He has grown so much since he first started his career. Harry’s From the Dining Table hits such a chord with me I don’t know if it’s because of his soft voice on a beautiful guitar piece or the simple yet powerful lyrics of being stuck in the middle of a love triangle. It is just the perfect way to end the album. He uses a symphony to break the bridge, which just emphasizes how perfectly layered his songs are. All of the different sounds and instruments give you the perfect listening experience. I would say this album is best heard in your headphones while walking out on the town, but that isn’t to say that you can’t listen to it all the way through on a nice long drive.

There is a song for every mood that you’re in, and it really shows how eclectic Harry is in his own music. Harry definitely proved to be such a great and charismatic solo artist and I am dying to hear what else he comes up with next. The nostalgia this album brings is just the icing on the cake. Whether you are a 13-year-old fanatic or an adult who was growing up during the greatest rock age of all time, this album is a go to. It’s nice to see how many different styles Harry has up his sleeves. If there is any music I am looking forward to in 2018, it is Harry’s next album. Don’t wait another minute, go stream Harry Style’s debut album right after you read this article, I promise you won’t regret one thing!

Written by Whitney Paramore

SweetSexySavage - Kehlani 

Feelings.

We all have them and we all deal with them every single day. Some in healthy ways, and in other ways not so much. We constantly search for ways to cope with our feelings and it’s not always easy trying to find something that will help get you through. SweetSexySavage was that album for me and that’s why I think it was one of the top albums of 2017.

Released on January 27, Kehlani’s debut studio album SweetSexySavage is a project that dropped so early in the year that it sometimes doesn’t get the credit it deserves. But if you take the time to listen and digest each track on this album, you’ll hear and feel the care and dedication paid to each song and understand the effort that went into making each song its own unique musical journey.

Kehlani’s strength lies in her most endearing quality; her relatability. Gay, straight, tatted-up, male or female it does not matter. She WILL have a song for you.

When the project first dropped and the title of the album was revealed it reminded of something but I couldn’t figure it out right away. After considering it a little bit, Kehlani drew inspiration for the album’s title from TLC’s classic cut CrazySexyCool.

And as a fan of 90’s R&B, she did an excellent job of drawing on older inspiration while curating a project that stayed true to her new sound that she nails so effortlessly. “Too Much” from the jump gives off those classic R&B vibes that make you wanna sing and dance like you’re in a 90’s music video. Producer Jahaan Sweet absolutely bodied this beat and it allowed for Kehlani’s lyricism and confidence to shine through for one of the highlight tracks off this album.

Speaking of confidence, Miss Parrish does little to dissuade from the idea that’s she’s lacking any. Songs like “Escape”, “Distraction” and “CRZY” all highlight Kehlani’s brash nature but they’re unique because they are all done in different ways.

“Escape” could be related to the Sweet portion of this album. It almost sounds like a ballad but after listening to the lyrics you realize it’s a woman who wants to be with someone, but not at the expense of either persons’ goals or personal happiness. She doesn’t want anything long-term; she simply asks “baby, can we, Escape?”

“Distraction” keeps the emphasis on the short term in a very sexy way. The Grammy-nominated track does not shy away from keeping things “100” in this type of situation. Making it very clear that she’s not looking for anything serious. “Are you down to be, a distraction?” is an ode to all of us who have felt at one time or another that a relationship isn’t something I probably want to have with this person, but I wouldn’t mind having a little fun with this person either. I would also strongly recommend you watch the music video for this song if you haven’t already. It furthers highlights the sexuality Kehlani wanted to evoke in the song while giving off an early Destiny’s Child vibe with all the creative set pieces throughout the video. Definitely one of my favorite videos and songs for the year.

“CRZY” was the lead single that dropped for the album and it let you know right away that she wasn’t going to just rest on her laurels after coming off a Grammy-nominated mixtape You Should Be Here. The song is as savage as it gets. The song is filled with lyrics that let you know that she is a force and will be around for the long haul so you better get used to it. She lets you know from the beginning of the record that “I got it, and you goin respect it” and if you have any questions about who she is, she’ll be straight up and tell you “If I gotta be a bitch, Ima be a bad one”.

Like all of us, however, we all don’t feel confident 24/7. We have our moments of insecurity and feelings of vulnerability and she has songs like “Advice” and “In My Feelings” that connect to that.

“Advice” can hit home with almost anyone who listens to it; a relationship has gone wrong, leaving one with lingering questions as to why it didn’t work out the way we thought it would. “How is the man of my dreams, not a man of his words?” is a line that people who have felt wronged in relationships can immediately gravitate to. However, Kehlani does offer a silver lining. Even with all the hurt that this relationship has brought, she makes it known that “it’s time to take my own advice” and sometimes that’s all most of us really need. We’ve all had times where we’ve given other people relationship advice but when it comes to ourselves, the answers don’t appear so easily. Kehlani let’s you know that you’ve been hurt, but now it’s time to get up, move on and start taking your own advice.

“In My Feelings” piggybacks off of the idea of confused thoughts and temporary feelings. Kehlani keeps the relatable lyrics going with “and I don’t know why I’m even still here…why do I feel this? I’m in my feelings”. At some point, there has been that person in your life that you felt you had some sort of connection with and even with the signs saying you shouldn’t keep messing with this person, something about that person keeps you interested in them. Kehlani’s right there with you; saying you’re not the only one probably holding on to something that really isn’t there.

We could go into the production and the lyrics for hours and hours when it comes to this album. Don’t get me wrong, they’re all top notch and the quality is outstanding. But it all circles back to one main reason why we listen to music. To help us feel a certain type of way. Very few artists today can pull off that feat with such style, confidence, and passion the way Kehlani can. I know that when I’m feeling depressed, ecstatic, hurt or happy I can throw on a Kehlani song and immediately know that there is someone out there who is feeling what I’m feeling and can relate to what I’m going through. As you listen to Kehlani’s incredible voice and captivating lyrics bump through your speakers, be ready to feel all types of emotions from one the best singers we have in our generation today. It won’t take long for you tell why SweetSexySavage was one of the best albums of 2017.

Written by Leonard Pinckney

Soft Sounds From Another Planet - Japanese Breakfast

The human experience is one akin to that of a celestial being. It feels like it is out of the scope of our minds, and not meant to be understood. After all, humans are just animals burdened with this consciousness. The word burdened is used intentionally here because that is what it is. Sure, humanity is what it is because of it, but this anxiety about existence, is draining. It is obscenely frightening. It is suffocating, entrancing, engrossing, claustrophobic. To many, the mere thought of it drives them to temporary insanity. Being a human is not easy. Navigating the social constructs erected by humans of the past is exhausting. It is fucking confusing. Things like love, death, and sex make up the most polarizing facets of being a human, and they deserve to be celebrated and analyzed. It feels almost mundane to not worry about what else is beyond us. It feels like we are doing the world a disservice by not understanding our existence or purpose. The beauty of it is being able to revel in the human experience of others, and music is a perfect medium to share experiences like these through. Music is such an easy way to connect because there are no words that can explain abstract concepts such as those in any succinct way. Human vocabulary just cannot convey such specific and complicated information.

Michelle Zauner, also known as Japanese Breakfast, aims to ease your anxiety about life in her new LP, Soft Sounds from Another Planet, where she covers everything from femininity and self-love, to the duality of humans and their actions. Michelle communicates her experience and masterfully crafts an epiphany-inducing sonic journey that will take your breath away upon first listen, and demand many, many more subsequent ones. This album came at a perfect time for me. 2017 was the year of loss, change, disappointment, and heartbreak. 2017 was the year where I felt that everything I was sure about was utterly wrong. It was the year I got lost. Lost in my thoughts. Lost in the past. Lost in the future. Lost in the world. This album, however, has left seeds of hope and happiness in the voids where there were only encroaching voids of endless despair.

The first single on the LP, Machinist, details falling in love with a robot. This track is filled with sweeping synths and Michelle’s voice is obfuscated with an impressive layer of auto-tune, which is a joy to listen to. It is a sci-fi narrative that comes together to materialize an upbeat, jazzy nu-disco track that will make you want to dance until you listen to the lyrics and realize how the love portrayed in this track mirrors what love feels like between humans. To me, this song is about loving a “robot”. Not necessarily a real robot, but someone who is cold, and does not have your best interests at the forefront of their minds. To me, it is about loving someone selfish, and no matter what, they have “total control”, as the monotonous voice in the song professes. It seems almost inevitable when in love, however, one person is always going to care more, and the one that cares less ultimately has all the power in the relationship. To me, that is why this track is so powerful. We tend to forget that sometimes, and we need to realize love is about more than you. Love is not about control, love is about nurturing your partner and yourself. This track is a cautionary tale to those in love to not lose focus, and become a “robot,” because sometimes we become robots inadvertently in our daily lives.

The next single, Boyish, details a scene of jealousy, and self-consciousness. Where Zauner shows the unhealthy side of jealousy and the irrationality of it all. More importantly, however, she shows the humanity in it. She really emphasizes the fear of being unwanted by the one you love. It evokes such a commanding tone of self-deprecation and self-hatred. Michelle belts out lyrics like, “So here we are, we’re just two losers/I want you and you want something more beautiful”, where you can feel the disappointment in her voice. You can feel the hurt. If you know the feeling, your heart will sink and you’ll be brought back to the time when your own insecurities absolutely tore you apart and made you feel unloved by your significant other, over something seemingly insignificant. This track is so clever because, at the end, we realize she is feeling this way because he had looked at a waitress in the restaurant they were at and she felt like she was inferior to her. I think it just shows how sensitive, and irrational we become when it comes to love, and when it comes to being sure of ourselves. It shows the fragility of the perception of ourselves, and how easy anger and jealousy can completely take over at times. Humans tend to lose control when they feel like what is theirs is threatened, in this case, it is feeling like the other person is theirs. It seems like these kinds of attachments are unnecessary and only cause suffering, might it be a necessary evil? Maybe.

The third and final single off the album, Road Head, is an upbeat, guitar-filled romp about trying to save a dying relationship. In this track, Zauner recalls a moment where she did what seemed like a last-ditch effort to save a relationship through something wildly sexual, such as, road head. Listening to her speak about this experience is heartbreaking because she obviously was so deeply in love with this person, she would’ve done anything to save the dying relationship. Ultimately though, it was for the best, as she mentions that this person was abusive and told her that she would never make it in the music business. Again, this just holds to what was shown in the first single about being the one who cares more in a relationship, the other person has all the power and you’d do almost anything to save it. The feeling of unwanted-ness seems almost inevitable for one side. This song is important because it ends with her running away and chasing her dreams, which to me really resonates with the period of growth most people try to chase after heartbreak, which is the most important part. The growth.

To me, one of the most powerful tracks is called, 12 Steps, which is about Zauner’s own experience in ending in a relationship, where she had met the love of her life in a bar while she was dating someone else at the time. Michelle says this song is somewhat an apology to that person, but I think it really explains what goes on when love has run its course. Sometimes love ends, and sometimes we need to move on and find our own way. Changes like these are devastating but sometimes necessary. That is the message this track speaks to, and to me, it is relieving, from either side.

The rest of the album visits themes like surviving trauma and dealing with death. The track, The body is a blade, talks about moving on with your life even as your mental state deteriorates. To me, it really shows the disconnect between the physical world and your mental world. No matter what happens to you, the world is going to keep moving, and your body is going to keep moving. What needs to happen is your mind needs to catch on and you need to allow yourself to move along with the world.

This album is a guiding light. It is cathartic. It is enlightening. It is raw emotion from another human, that has been distilled into pure musical bliss. It conveys the lowest feelings that we can ever feel but leaves you with the hope to recover. To me, that is beautiful.

Written by Eduardo Escoto

Luv Is Rage 2 - Lil Uzi Vert

Lil Uzi Vert. The Stephen Curry of rap. In my opinion, Lil Uzi is talented but substance and culturally he has adapted to the typical mumble rap that is today where everyone raps about is bitches, money, jewelry, cars, drugs. Uzi in LUV IS RAGE 2 does follow this path but he shows glimpses of actual talent in his songs.

Dark Queen: Lil Uzi in this song talks about how he is an artist and rappers in all generations get swallowed by the industry and change. Mostly for the bad with substance and crime. He talks about how his mom was worried that he will spend time in jail and he promises he will wash up and show his mom that he wants to stay true to himself and his family despite having this high class and famed lifestyle. When I heard this song while just playing this album in the background of me playing basketball this sounded very different from all the other songs he had in this album. I could tell he really poured extra time and effort on this song and other songs which I’ll get to.

The Way Life Goes: This is personally my favorite song on the album and maybe even from all of Uzi’s music. This song sampled landslide by oh wonder. I think Uzi took the part that reflects more with what he was going through and which was heartbreak. He talks about his ex-girlfriend Brittney. And how their relationship seemed so promising and that there was a side of Uzi that he really wanted to change to “that perfect companion” to her because she deserved that and she was the only person he wanted to change for but to let go of the lifestyle he had aspired to chase his entire life was too hard to give up especially after just obtaining it and grasping the industry at such a young age. He hints at getaway vacations he had with Brittney like in Hawaii where they were already in serious talks of full commitment. But because of him still wanting to keep the Rockstar lifestyle she left him for a man who was fully committed to her. Which is something he couldn’t give but meant the most to her, not the money. Then Uzi really realized he’s missing something that he can’t buy with money. Which is true love that he can offer and fully commit to one. He continues to hint that he’s still heartbroken through most of the songs on the album which is called LUV IS RAGE 2 for a reason.

Pretty Mami: Pretty Mami isn’t the most relevant song to my main point of the side of Uzi that he really pours into love. But in pretty Mami, Uzi found a girl in the coast. Not clear where but he says, “Spanish girl named Rosa and she from the coast”. He states that this girl is a temporary hold for the hole that that is empty in his heart that used to belong to Britney. This girl was pretty, nice, good but he misses even how Brittney would tell him when he’s wrong so he learns from that. He prefers that than “a yes-women” who agrees and just goes along with what Uzi wants instead of telling him when he’s wrong to make him a better person. Now, the most popular song on the album and of Uzi’s career.

XO TOUR Llif3: This song not only is good but Uzi pulls in different parts of what’s going on in his life into this one song. In this song, Uzi really goes into the lonely life that he has now. He has everything he needs but he truly doesn’t have any “friends” he refers to his friends as the faces on dollar bills as his only friends that never change because of his fame. He hints at his ex-girlfriend Brittney in here in the chorus saying how she was suicidal because the way Uzi treated her during the end of their relationship while she tried to make it last but Uzi clearly had other things that were more important at the time than her. The way his relationship ended with her truly made him turn to drugs to help numb the pain that he’s feeling. And because of that, the drugs led him to other drugs that turned him suicidal and really contemplated about “blowing his brains out”. In the music video of this song, you see the satanic side of him showing that he sold his soul to the devil or he just truly vows to Lucifer which he mentions multiple times in this album. His girlfriend admitted that she wasn’t afraid to kill herself no matter what happened throughout the outcome of their relationship which stuck in the back of Uzi’s mind that he felt bad for making her go through that. And almost led him to do the same and was only “pushing him to the edge of suicidal”. Overall this album was my favorite throughout the year. The beats in this album were crazy and I saw a side of Uzi that I never knew existed and I really like that from him and I hope to see more of this side from him because I really enjoy this side of him and some of my favorite songs from him are his heartbreak songs.

Written by Anthony Pantoja

War & Leisure - Miguel

Miguel has long been one of the premiere R&B singers. If there’s any detriment to Miguel’s ability as an artist, it’s that he arrived on the scene around the same time as Frank Ocean and The Weeknd. However with neither of the latter releasing an individual album during 2017 (although you could argue Frank Ocean’s singles were arguably better than many albums this year) Miguel is given space to show off one of the best voices in music. In Miguel’s 4th solo album, War & Leisure, he finds the perfect balance between of upbeat Pop/R&B and dark brooding guitars that contrast the album.

The first four songs of Miguel’s War & Leisure are some of his best work as an artist. This quarter of the album plays out like waking up the morning after a nostalgic, buzzed night. 

On Miguel’s opening track “Criminal,” brooding, dusty guitar riffs blend seamlessly with Miguel’s voice before it gives way to one of Rick Ross’ better verses in recent memory. 

“Pineapple Skies” (my favorite track on the record) sounds like a fusion of tropical house and funk. This track also showcases the incredibly wide range of Miguel’s singing ability and, in my mind, further cements him as one of the best active singers in modern music.

“Sky Walker” is probably Miguel’s most popular track from War & Leisure and for good reason. The chemistry between Miguel and Travi$ Scott is unmistakable. Perfectly complimenting each other in a way that almost sounds like Miguel doing a Travi$ Scott impersonation in his own unique way and vice versa. The album takes a darker turn as soon as we come to track 5 “Wolf,” with a song that sounds all too familiar for Miguel. Heavy uses of distorted guitars and Miguel’s cadence on this track give off a punk 50’s crooner feel to the song. “Harem” is another highlight of the album and in my opinion, one of the smoothest songs Miguel has made to date. From the slow drum beat, spacey guitar riffs, and Miguel’s ability to switch his pitch at moment’s notice this is a near perfect track in my mind.

The only song that feels out of place from a cohesion standpoint is the song “Told You So.” After which the album maintains a darker tone to it. Caramelo Duro was also an incredibly unique track in which Miguel finally sings a verse in Spanish on his album. The first time he’s ever done so (to my knowledge) and he executes perfectly.

All in all, this is a fantastic album that has made me realize how much I’ve missed Miguel in the R&B space. He brings an unmistakable and authentic feel to his music while maintaining the sound that has made him one of music’s best.

Written by Alex Perry  

Sonder Son - Brent Faiyaz

2017 was Brent Faiyaz’s year. From singing the hook of the century in Goldlink’s Crew to dropping his debut album ‘Sonder Son’, Brent Faiyaz has garnered the attention from the world that he deserves. This year was an exceptional year for R&B and it is easy to get lost in all of the commotions that albums like Freudian’ and ‘Ctrl’ have created, but ‘Sonder Son’ is not one of those albums to get lost in the mix. Faiyaz’s debut album gives us something authentic, genuine, and pure. While his voice is already all of those qualities in and of itself, ‘Sonder Son’ puts our ears under a stethoscope to explore the different pulses of his life thus far. The 22-year-old beautifully introduces himself to the world through the songs in his debut album. The word sonder means; “the realization that every passerby is living a life as vivid and as complex as our own – causing each of our experiences to flow into each other.” Faiyaz grants us entrance into his own vivid and complex life through this album in hopes that it will somehow connect to our own experiences. The rich picture that he paints about his life through his words highlights our humanity and the struggles we face as people. The raw emotions felt from his incredibly silky smooth voice is R&B at its core. Music as personal and vulnerable as this can be credited to the incredible push he and his manager made to be an independent artist. ‘Sonder Son’ is a perfect example of what it is like to make music from your heart without the restrictions and agendas that the labels want to push onto talented artists. Overall, ‘Sonder Son’ is a refreshingly vulnerable album that gives us insight into the struggles of a now successful artist that listeners will undoubtedly appreciate.

Written by Kyle Solano

Mansionz - Mansionz (Self-titled)

As the year winds down and I reflect on the music that was released, Mansionz always comes to my mind as one of the most memorable albums this year. Mike Posner and Blackbear collaborating was a stroke of genius and a breath of fresh air. With the oversaturation of monotonous trap and mumble rap, Bear and Mike keep it refreshing and honest when it comes to the lyricism and instrumentals.

One of the things I really enjoyed about the experience of this album was the separate personas that Mike and Bear play into. Mike plays the artistic and more introverted side of humanity while Blackbear plays the party animal, the asshole, the selfish side of humanity. Together, the two creatives represent a duality that comes with fame. While one side of being famous wants to push the envelope and expand on art, the other side wants to party hard, drink and do drugs. This contrast, whether intentional or not, add so much to this masterpiece of an album and plays perfectly into every song.

Tracks like “My Beloved”, “A Million Miles”, “White Linen”, and “Gorgeous” all explore the idea of this duality and finds the artist having different perspectives on subjects such as women, relationships, and fame. Where Mike will be happy that he got to play his guitar, Bear talks about having a threesome at some party. Mike wants to have a stable relationship while Bear wants to spend all his money and go on vacation trips. This is where the album really shines for me in showing that, deep down, everybody has conflicting emotions that question our morality. Mansionz isn’t afraid of being honest and straightforward about how they think and behave.

While the duo has different views on certain subjects, they also seem to agree on much of the time. Both “STFU” and “Dennis Rodman” portray Mike and Bear being assholes and wanting to live life how they want to, not bound to social norms or opinions. “Nobody Knows” finds Mike and Bear admitting that, no matter what they say or do, they really don’t know anything. No amount of alcohol, women, or religion can assure anything because, to the duo, they have no certainty. Both artists repeat that they hate everything they love, and in turn, they love all the things that they hate, which gives off a tone of uncertainty, being lost, and loneliness. While depressing, the duo agrees that life isn’t simple and no matter how much you believe, you’ll probably end up believing in too much.

Of course, there is much more to Mansionz than a dual mindset; the group has much more to say. “Rich White Girls” is a very satirical song about white girls and their daddy issues, describing the difficulty in trying to please them.

“I’m thinking about horses” seems to be the odd one out of the bunch, in that, it is a spoken word poem performed only by Mike Posner, nobody else. The poem consists of random thoughts that Mike has that relates to his existence and purpose, like comparing horses, who are mighty and powerful but “trade their freedom for a dependable meal,” to humanity, revealing that maybe we are all slaves but yet have the power to break free. Or comparing his father’s growing age to standing against a growing tidal wave, unprepared without swimwear, showing how uncontrollable his situation is. Not only is the track extremely poetic and beautiful in its comparisons and metaphors, but the performance is extreme and heart-wrenching. Mike’s deepest thoughts and fears scream out with passion and pain. “I’m thinking about horses” fits perfectly as an interlude that shifts the focus of the album from being “assholish” to being more compassionate and poetic. Much more can be discussed about this track as it is the deepest cut on the album, but this review would go on for way too long if I did, so I’ll leave it at that.

The album finishes off with “The Life of a Troubadour” which plays out like a story. Both artists represent who they are, Mike being the artistic Troubadour who just wanted to spend the night with the princess, to Bear who plays the power-hungry Mad Hatter who wants to steal the throne. The track ends with The Mad Hatter killing the Troubadour, which represents the death of art in modern day music. The ending is fitting and sums the entire album up nicely in a sort of bedtime story.

Aside from all the metaphorical and poetic ties that this album has, sonically, it is a fun experience. “Wicked” sounds like a fusion between a 90’s pop song and a Blackbear song, and it’s amazing. Other tracks like “Dennis Rodman”, “My Beloved”, “Nobody Knows”, and basically every other track on this album all have great energy and synergy between Mike and Bear. Although this album is not My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy levels of production, the production is solid and very enjoyable.

After all is said and done, why should I listen to this album, you may ask. Aside from being poetic and artsy, the music sounds incredible and each track weaves perfectly together to create a unique experience that I’ve never heard before. Other than that, there’s not much more I can say other than just to go and listen to it right now. I could stand and preach all day about this album and how it deserves more recognition but in reality, it’s up to you, the reader, to decipher for yourself as to why Mansionz is such a gem of an album. Maybe it’s the best album or maybe it’s the worst, nobody knows.

 Written by Alexander Apodaca

Melodrama – Lorde

My favorite album of the year was Melodrama by Lorde! I became a really big fan of Lorde’s in 2015. Her album Pure Heroine brought me back to my teenage self and Lorde touched my soul. Fast forward to June 19th when I heard Melodrama for the first time … I sat on my bed with my journal in hand and earphones on full blast. A sigh of relief! Lorde makes me feel very emotional. She will put you on a rollercoaster of emotions throughout the album. From happy dance parties, to feeling sad, lonely, to feeling good and loving yourself! Lorde makes me feel free! I can dance and cry to her music in one sitting.

Hard Feelings/Loveless is my MOST favorite song on the album. I wrote in my journal to remember this feeling. It was a perfect moment, feeling relief & Lorde was speaking to me. I even shed a tear or two. It is two songs in one, but they mesh so well together. Lorde calls the second half, Loveless, a bizarre little outro. She said the song altogether is a heartfelt breakup song. She is finding solitude in being alone and caring for herself.

Standout lyrics:

“I light all the candles, cut flowers for all my rooms, I care for myself the way I used to care about you, these days, we kiss and we keep busy, the waves come after midnight, I call from underwater, why even try to get right, when you’ve outgrown a lover, the whole world knows but you.”

Loveless transitions into its own song with Lorde saying “baby” very faintly and then Paul Simon saying “what is this tape? This is my favorite tape,” that she sampled. I feel like it’s her rebellion speaking of wanting to be heartless, “bet you want to rip my heart out, bet you want to skip my calls now. Well, guess what? I like that.” I feel like after a major heartbreak we become a bit of rebel ourselves. We rebel to love. Are we actually a L-O-V-E-L-E-S-S generation?

When I heard Supercut for the first time I was very emotional and sad, but happy too. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions. Lorde said it is a sister song to Ribs from Pure Heroine. Ribs is my MOST favorite Lorde song. In my journal, I wrote, “hearing this for the first time feels so great.” Although I was talking about one song – it’s how I feel about the whole album. In an interview with The Spinoff Lorde says, “I felt the way I used to feel when I made music as a kid and it felt like I could cry because it’s such a relief to get out how you’re feeling for the first time.” I felt this when I heard Supercut also because it was nostalgic to listening to Pure Heroine. So many feelings at the same time and it’s a relief to feel. Reliving memories of people you love and remembering the feelings you felt. It’s like remembering a dream.

“In my head, I play a supercut of us, all the magic we gave off, all the love we had and lost, and in my head, the visions never stop, these ribbons wrap me up, but when I reach for you, there’s just a supercut.”

Liability was a surprise single from Melodrama in early March 2017. To be a “liability” is to be burdensome. Lorde said in a Beats interview: “I had this realization that because of my lifestyle and what I do for work there’s going to be a point with every single person around me where I’m going to be a tax on them in some way.” She found self-love and understood that she needs to be happy with herself. Although it may be a liability with her lifestyle she will always have herself to love and care for. Self-love is something I personally have tried very hard to work on. It will always be a work in progress, but remember to love yourself. Nurture the relationship you have with yourself and you’ll no longer feel like a liability to others.

“So I guess I’ll go home into the arms of the girl that I love, the only love I haven’t screwed up, she’s so hard to please but she’s a forest fire, I do my best to meet her demands, play at romance, we slow dance in the living room, but all that a stranger would see, is one girl swaying alone, stroking her cheek.”

Lorde went from teenage angst in Pure Heroine to coping with a breakup, finding self-love, and finding comfort in solitude in Melodrama. “I’m actually rewiring to become an adult. All that is insane.” The theme throughout the album is about the highs and lows of a relationship. You will definitely get into your feelings while listening to the album. Melodrama deserves so much recognition! Lorde co-produced every song on the album! She worked alongside Jack Antonoff, Frank Dukes, Malay, and many others. Her songwriting is absolutely incredible. It was playing on my speakers throughout this year. Luckily for me, I was able to see her live for the first time in 2017. Lorde did not disappoint live or with her sophomore album Melodrama.

Written by Valerie Rosales

CTRL by SZA

After a string of EPs, various features on fellow-TDE tracks, writing credits for both Rihanna and Beyoncé, endless album delays, internal label drama, and a sudden threat to quit music, it seemed like SZA’s album would never see the light of day. However, on June 9th, 2017, the First Lady of Top Dawg Entertainment finally released her debut full-length album entitled, CTRL. Vulnerability. Insecurities. Womanhood. Losing control. Gaining control. Everything real and relatable is actualized in SZA’s breakthrough album. Both lyrically and vocally, the songstress’ most cohesive work to date pushes the boundaries of the R&B realm. Even in 2017 – a year in which R&B seemed to thrive like never before, SZA established not only her own unique sound but her worthy place in the genre. Fourteen tracks of ethereal vocals, overlaying mesmerizing synth-induced beats, sprinkled nostalgic references to ‘90s pop culture, seamlessly mixed in JT, River Tiber, and Drake samples, and features from Pharrell, Travis Scott, Isaiah Rashad, James Fauntleroy, and Kendrick Lamar, the long-awaited release of CTRL has proven to be well worth the wait. 

The album explores the perils of modern dating, sexual freedom, and the internal battles of self-love in the most brutally honest way. SZA exhibits a vast amount of self-awareness by asking herself, “Why I can’t stay alone just by myself? / Wish I was comfortable just with myself / But I need you” in “Supermodel” and in “Drew Barrymore,” bluntly admits, “I get so lonely, I forget what I’m worth / We get so lonely, we pretend that this works.” She plays with one-sided love, illustrated in “Love Galore” asking her temporary lover, “Why you bother me when you know you don’t want me? Why you bother me when you know you got a woman?” but is accepting of the chaos of it all in “The Weekend” singing, “The feelin’ is reckless / Of knowin’ it’s selfish / And knowin’ I’m desperate / Getting’ all in your love / Fallin’ all over love, like / Do it ‘til it hurts less.” After all that promiscuous havoc though, SZA, ultimately, is in search of a worthy and grounding kind of love asking her potential lover, “Can you remind me of my gravity? Ground me when I’m tumblin’, spiralin’, plummetin’ down to Earth / You keep me down to Earth” in the song “Garden (Say It Like Dat)”. An album so multifaceted with songs about temporary lovers, past lovers, and weekend lovers, it is impossible to not find something applicable to our own complex forays in love.

In a society where women are still scrutinized for owning their sexuality, CTRL delves into the subject full force. Throughout the entire album, SZA displays complete comfort in her sexuality. In the Kendrick Lamar featured track, “Doves In The Wind”, she gives power to the pussy with K. Dot rapping, “Niggas’ll lose they mind for it / Wine for it, dine for it–pussy / Spend time for it, see no colored line for it–pussy” which is representative of the idea that men will do anything for it. In the song, “Normal Girl” where she samples Drake’s “Controlla” she croons, “You like it, when I be, aggressive / You like when I say to you / Get it if you got it, I’m ready and waitin’ for it / I’m callin’ to put it on, yeah” revealing how she isn’t like a “Normal Girl” and in such a patriarchal subject, she knows what she wants. In a sense, SZA is gaining CTRL by finding empowerment in her sexuality versus the societal norm of shame when it comes to women on this subject matter.

The album poetically sums up the quarter-life crisis with authentic candor. SZA acknowledges the things we have trouble admitting to ourselves in a manner that simultaneously stings but reassures us that we are not alone in these inner conflicts. In the song “Prom”, she expresses the constant internal musings of a young adult trying to find a sense of purpose, “Fearin’ not growin’ up / Keepin’ me up at night / Am I doin’ enough? / Feel like I’m wastin’ time” and, again, on “20 Something” singing, “All alone still / Not a thing in my name / Ain’t got nothin’, runnin’ from love / Only know fear.” Her lyricism displays the fluctuating self-esteem of the average 20-something. To tie it all in, scattered in between songs are words of wisdom from SZA’s own mother and grandmother. Throughout the entirety of CTRL, SZA displays the true strength in vulnerability. It is a reminder in the form of an album that lets us all know we don’t all have it together and that that’s okay.

CTRL thoroughly tackles what it’s like to be a 20-something searching for love, entertaining temporary highs, struggling with insecurities, and the harsh realities we face while trying to find our purpose in the world. As of October 2017, the album has been certified gold and with her single “Love Galore” hitting platinum, and “The Weekend” (which wasn’t even released as a single) also hitting platinum, her success knows no limits. With such a strong breakout year, there’s no telling how far her talents will take her. There’s no question as to why she is the most nominated female artist for the upcoming Grammys. This is just the beginning of SZA taking CTRL.

Written by Rachel Reyes

Freudian - Daniel Caesar

Daniel Caesar, the Canadian R&B and soul singer-songwriter, risked it all for his music career. He became frustrated by his stagnation and moved to the city homeless pursuing stardom. The night of his graduation he left with a garbage bag full of clothes. Where he had to make his own family. He struggled early with his parents because of his desire to sing love songs in which they would tell him, “if you’re not going to sing songs glorifying God, anything that isn’t doing that specifically is glorifying Satan.” To which they finally came down to a mutual understanding that “God is love.”

“This whole album is the arc from the inception to the death of just the most intense relationship of my life.” – Beats 1 Interview

Get You became his breakout single which has amassed millions of streams pushing him into mainstream stardom. The song entails him being awe-struck with his capability of getting such an out of this world and way above his perceived “type” of a lover. The world is constantly experiencing droughts, famine, and natural disasters. Daniel explains how whenever he’s with her it’s like being in their own world. The song is in a self-reflective state where Daniel feels he doesn’t deserve everything he’s been given but simultaneously appreciative of it. In this relationship, they were both going through so many things together so being able to have that enhanced their bonding. He states that during this period he would have nonstop sex because there was nothing better to do. This is the first moment that Caesar introduces a principle of Freud, with the id. The id is the unconscious, impulsive part of the psyche which operates on the “pleasure principle” which seeks immediate pleasure and gratification. Kali Uchis states, “the memories, it’s all just memories” may allude to the suppression principle included in Freud’s studies. Kali displays gratitude towards her lover knowing that nothing is forever and to appreciate what you have now.

Best Part is the smooth honey-like duet we didn’t know we wanted. Alongside H.E.R. they express their adoration for their significant other. The beauty of being someone’s favorite anything is something long romanticized and fantasized about. He compares her to water when you’re stuck in a desert as someone he can’t live without. She is “the sunshine of [his] life” which is ironic that she is both the water that quenches him and the sunshine on his life which would dehydrate him in the first place. Despite the duality of love, she is the best part of his life. In a digital generation, the importance of movies and videos is extreme. A favorite movie is usually held close to someone’s heart and calling a lover the “best part” about it, is worth swooning over. “If you love me won’t you say something,” is both a plea and a question. Unaware if this person feels requited love for him. Often when you begin to hang out with someone feelings rise to the point of uncertainty – do they feel the same? Especially if they become the best part of your life’s movie. In a subtle beg, he whispers “love me, won’t you…?”

Hold Me Down, an interesting tale of insecurities and love that is tearing apart at the seams. It starts off with a soft conversation between Daniel and his girl asking “could you, could you say? ‘I love you Danny’” to which she replies, “you want me to?” and then she does. It then transitions into the chorus, “if you love me baby let me hear you say it,” he is certain that he is her favorite despite being left in the basement, thrown on the pavement. This imagery reminds me of Toy Story where Andy first gets Woody and expresses such love and admiration for it. Daniel/Woody’s ego blinds him to see no other reality but the fact he is the favorite despite being played with like a toy. Daniel becomes infatuated to the point he’s willing to start a family with her. The pussy is so good to Daniel that he self-emulates like a Buddhist. He even astral projects into another dimension of how great it feels. He shows his imperfections by saying his spectacle of a life is a sad story and hopefully one day he will find glory – hopefully with her alongside him for the flight. All he wanted was to take her to “higher heights” yet she resisted leaving her comfort zone. He even acknowledges she had “dreams of a better life” possibly marriage but this time there seemed to be no hope of “making it through.” In the bridge, the female is introduced in the form of conversation with Daniel’s previous statements. On how Daniel is traveling far away with music that she’s left behind with pain where she begins to carry resentment. With his success bubbling the superego of Daniel could be strengthening to the point she is asking him who he thinks he is, “some kind of celebrity?” and threatening him to ‘wait and see’ if she sticks around much longer because of that. All Daniel asks her is to stay true to him and having to remind her of all the things he does. He played the game (music industry/being a toy) where all he wants is for the moment; some reassurance that she will hold him down.

Neu Roses (Transgressor’s Song), tells a story of his girlfriend who cheats on him. Neu Roses is wordplay for new roses/neurosis which portrays two forms of a dying relationship brought by infidelity hence she transgressed the trust. “Neurosis is a relatively mild mental illness that is not caused by organic disease, involving symptoms of stress (depression, anxiety, obsessive behavior, hypochondria) but not a radical loss of touch with reality.” This girl still recalls the fateful day she threw the love away of Daniel. It appears the resentment she held in the previous song caused her to act out of spite only later to beg for him not to leave. She realized that she made a big mistake, and to not “turn [her] sunshine to shade” as once she was that to him. She then states, “I know this is a game we play,” which would make it seem that they both had their “friends too” while she always came back because he took her breath away. He admits he “fucked with some empty cups” meaning hollow sex with multiple girls. He knows she has various partners, but he doesn’t want to run out on his luck, so he considers stopping from running amok. This could be reaction formation, a Freudian concept which one would switch unacceptable impulses into their opposites or a form of passive aggressiveness. Projection is another term that could be used here in his need to call her out for his own mistakes.

Loose is Daniel talking to himself about his toxic relationship and rationalizing the need to cut the rope. He begins to realize that she has built a depression (cloud over her head raining with thunder). The positives are outweighed by the negative. He is quick to lose patience with her and cause fights. He calls himself out on being a coward because he isn’t helping anyone not even himself by grasping onto a dead relationship. Daniel contemplates his power in this relationship and how if he can’t do it for himself, he should do it for her. Often, we see only the good in others we are with to the point that we stick out through horrid cycles of pain. We can’t seem to let go of what brings sunshine to your life and scared of the darkness that comes after.

We Find Love, a song about the beauties in the ugly of a relationship. He comes off in somber tone aware of the fact that it’s over, but still nostalgic about the good times. “You don’t love me anymore, let’s see how you like this song,” is a spiteful statement coming from a place of resentment and ego. He immortalizes her through this album, that’s where his power lies – in the success he obtains. He realizes since the day they met she was the “girl of his dreams” which is what Get You entails but deep down he knew they could never be no matter how hard they try. The hearts fragile tendencies fall down into which they break into pieces. This seems to showcase the cycle of what love is - finding it, uplifting your spirits, falling down, and then ultimately giving up on the love you would have died for.

Blessed showcases Daniel’s vulnerable state of awareness to his flaws. He has become dependent on this girl to the point he can’t go a moment without her. Her presence must be around or else he feels empty. Despite his horrible traits, he feels blessed to have a girl that is willing to stick with him through all his trials and tribulations. He considers her a home despite how broken he is, he will come back to her.

Take Me Away, he wants to sit back and enjoy the creation that God has manifested to him in the form of a beautiful woman who’s willing to cater to him. “Every time she tops me off, it’s celebration,” this is a double entendre for when you top off champagne it’s filled up to the brim. The double meaning is that she is performing oral sex on him as he sits back – what a reason to celebrate. “She loves to top me off … all she wants to do is please me.” Her willingness to perform oral sex on him is possibly due to an oral fixation she has which is an ideal of Freud through the oral stage. He asks himself what life has become due to his “strange new love” he has with her where they don’t speak much. The communication comes in the form of lust. She begs him to take her away to an orgasmic state. This next line I believe is the central and most crucial line in the whole album due to is the central theme of Freud, “Every time I go inside of your protected, place with reverence, I’m reminded of a time I was neglected.” It could mean at a time where he felt neglected in a relationship, but more so I believe it’s from neglect of love from his parents specifically his mother. His adoration and admiration of constant sex and wanting to escape reality comes from the psychosexual stages of the id’s pleasure-seeking energies – genital stage. This is the personality development concepts that Sigmund Freud discovered in his career.

Transform, the premise of the entire song is the ego and his battle with it for love. “If a leopard never changes its spots, how can I change what I’ve got?” he questions the way nature is and how it’s unfair that he’s expected to change if no one never questions the natural course that animals live their lives. Ego is in the way of his ability to change for his lover. He could feel mad now but once it fades away he will not have her there – a lonely life in the kingdom. He’s aware of his non-attractiveness so if this girl loves him, maybe he should come around. He’s addicted to her love and the energy with it, he baptized himself because it “saved his soul like Jesus.”

Freudian like DNA intertwines two strands of both his mother and his lover. The first verse has Daniel expressing to his girl that she is the reason she sings and hopes to preserve her in the form of art (or save their relationship). He takes a moment to thank her for saving his life and giving him advice that ultimately changed his life despite how they ended. The second verse is about his mother and the need to bring her honor. Through psychoanalysis, people are driven by two things: life instinct (the need for sexual and emotional bonding) and death instinct (aggressive drive). Sigmund Freud is famous for his Oedipus Complex which is characterized by a boy experiencing a form of sexual desire toward his mother or vice versa (for a female). The fact that he went back and forth with both his mother and girlfriend brings about the concept in an interesting way. We long for the reflection (or opposite) of our parent in our lovers. “Send me kisses when it’s grey skies, it’s been so long, look how time flies, if you love me won’t you let me know,” shows a longing for his past lover of wanting to know if she still has feelings for him. He now has the same grey skies he would give her and his sunshine is long gone.

Freudian (Outro), plays on an organ as Daniel sinks into an abyss of his own mind. “Isn’t it nice, human sacrifice,” and the universe’s form of “natural selection” of people and of ourselves. In many ways, that girlfriend is dead to him. As aforementioned, the “death instinct” is apparent here in his ability to sacrifice himself as an artist.

In his Beats 1 interview, he says, “I’m trying to live out Hero’s Journey, it’s sacrifice to a point… I’m putting my business out there.” The supernatural or even superego, where he meets helpers along the way in the form of lovers, to his death and rebirth, transformation and return to his highest being.

My personal favorite lines are: “They say I’m a martyr, charge that to my ego, I just want all the lights.”

He hears others call him a martyr for being vulnerable which only boosts his ego in thinking he is sacrificing himself for the greater good. When his selfishness drives him to only pursue his name in lights rather than for humanity. He continuously takes the “easy way out” each time where he brings dishonor to his own self.

“Vulnerability is the greatest thing. The reward is very high but the price is… [the danger is there, fear is there] but I guess that’s why it’s so awesome, ya know?”

The thrill of being open with your flaws is admirable for not many are able to accomplish such a feat in a compelling way. The risk to be shamed, “killed” through critique, and the online trolls that are out there in this world.

“It’s Freud, I’m trying to analyze, I’m like looking at myself, trying to figure myself out. It’s like looking in the mirror.”

To look at others we can easily project our fears and perceptions onto them without realizing it. However, the bravest thing one can do is look at themselves, look within themselves to decipher one’s own code. Why we are the way we are, psychoanalyze not just our positive but embracing our negative to become the complete hero.

Written by Erik De La Cruz

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Honorable Mentions: 

DAMN. by Kendrick Lamar

Process by Sampha

Black Ken - Lil B

Peak - Choker

The Thrill Of It All - Sam Smith

Drive Slow - Mac Ayers

American Teen - Khalid

Everybody - Logic (for its concept)

Dua Lipa - Dua Lipa

Fin - Syd

About Time - Sabrina Claudio

Frank Ocean Singles (could’ve been its own album)

ADDED AFTER:

Coco Music Soundtrack - Pixar (Various Artists)

Cybersex - Blackbear

Funk Wav Bounce Vol. 1 - Calvin Harris

SYRE - Jaden Smith

Trip - Jhene Aiko

Yours Truly Forever - Phora

Loverboy - Russel (aka Pryde)

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I just wanted to say thanks to all those that helped and participated in the album reviews with me. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you all.

I appreciate them all and the hard work you put into helping this to come to life!

Let me know if you have thoughts, opinions, or your own albums you feel like we missed!

By Erik De La Cruz

CEO of Creative-ive (pronounced ivy).

contact: erik@creative-ive.com

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