#like my brain did that thing where it dumps out everything I have ever learned the moment I finished c1

[lunalikestowriteanddraw]

So I just finished reading the first two volumes of VM origins, and like. I love this group of disasters so much. I especially love when the future-couples meet for the first time

(Minor spoilers under cut)

Keyleth: hi!

Vax, realizing that he is, in fact, not hallucinating due to blood loss, and this random half-elf girl is real and just saved his life:

Scanlan: I should probably talk to them, you know, since we’re both gnomes and all

Pike: hi!

Scanlan:

And then there’s Vex, who’s like “who is this human we don’t have a human on our team gods dammit Keyleth stop picking up strays oh my gods”, and then she sees that Percy is actually not useless, and so she goes “I’m okay with this actually”

And don’t get me started on Grog and Nahla. Bro literally went up to her and went “me grog. You pretty girl” and she was like “alright” and literally gave him her heart. It’s so ridiculous I love it

[ooostarwarsfandom501st]

Reunion

Hunter x Fem! Jedi reader

Summary: you reunite with your old squad after Order 66...

Warnings: Mild descriptions of injuries, a bit of angst, fluff, happy ending, kissing, Order 66 mentions, I think Hunter deserves his own warning as well ;-)

Hey! This is my first small one-shot on Tumblr. I have been writing a few stories and other things in my life, but it is not something I've done in a while, so it's probably not my best. But please, feel free to leave a comment with some ideas for other one-shots etc. Enjoy!

Kallar.

Worst kriffing planet in your life! Not so much the planet itself, but more the traumatic events that happened there.

Before the war, you were a young Jedi Knight. Your old master, Plo Koon, had supervised most of your training, and you were thriving. At least, until the war came and you were thrown into a big pile of galactic bantha shit.

At first, you served with the 104th battalion along with your old master. You and Commander Wolffe worked well together and things were always a little bit easier, when you did it together.

But after a bit you grew more and more restless, not really having a feeling of being useful - at least, as much as you used to have. You tried pushing those ridiculous thoughts away, but that proved a lot harder than you thought.

Although you loved the Wolfpack who had all become your friends, despite the Jedi Code, you knew it was probably time to move on.

That's when Clone Force 99 came into the picture.

Those boys were everything you loved and longed to be. Diving headfirst into battle with a more or less reckless plan, but somehow always pulling it off. Sometimes, it honestly surprised you how well they worked, considering there were only 4 of them.

Crosshair was the most difficult one to connect with. He didn't really understand the need for a Jedi General, when him and his brothers had always worked alone. You did understand his point of view, but you weren't going anywhere. You loved this squad. It took many rotations, but after a rather difficult mission where you saved his life in a daring manner, he slowly began warming up to you.

Then came Tech. After you got over his ridiculously huge brain, you started paying more attention to his, as his brothers call them, 'info-dumping's' and it turned out that they were actually quite interesting. And when Tech realized that you were paying attention and sometimes even asking him questions, he always found you whenever he had something new to share about the planet you visited, or when you discovered an animal.

Wrecker was the easiest one to connect with. He was a giant with a heart of gold, always making you laugh until you couldn't breathe, always showing some new work out, and always having a blast with you, whenever you blew something up together. Being friends with Wrecker came as naturally as breathing.

And then Hunter.

The dark, mysterious, smoky and broody Sergeant of Clone Force 99. The first time you ever laid eyes one you, you were afraid your heart was giving out. Everything about him was captivating. His eyes telling but a million secrets, his voice sending shivers down your spine despite saying the most regular things, his majestic hair that you one time were allowed to braid because the temperature on Tatooine was unbearable Maker even his scent drove you crazy. When you learned about his enhanced abilities, you instantly knew that he must have heard your raping heart, but by the little smirk he send your way, he seemed to like it.

Although you cared deeply for all the boys, Echo as well when he joined the squad, Hunter was different. Your relationship wasn't labeled or anything. But it definitely wasn't platonic either. Not judging by the looks you always sent each other, or the way you always looked out for each other, touching each other in some small way like fingers brushing against each other, a hand on your back or on his arm. It was something much deeper. And you both knew it was so wrong. If you were caught, it would mean the end. But that didn't exactly stop you.

Not until Kallar.

When the troopers turned on you and Master Billaba, and you were the only one who got away, albeit with a nasty blaster shot to your shoulder, you turned and ran and you didn't look back once.

You heard the news. The Clones killed all the Jedi.

Your world was turned upside down. You thought about your old Master, about your old battalion, but mostly about Clone Force 99. If you faced them, you knew, you wouldn't be able to kill them.

So instead, you ran.

And for a while you hopped from planet to planet, earning credits by doing small jobs here and there. You hid everything. Your lightsaber was safely tucked away on you small ship, and instead you carried a blaster. You changed hair color, clothes and everything else you could, to change your appearance. You were constantly checking over your shoulder, afraid that the Empire would show up. Or worse, Hunter.

And then you met Phee. Completely random on the street, when you were running a job for some wealthy family. You were weary of her first, but then she showed you Pabu and now you owe her your life.

Life on Pabu was something else. Calm, warm, and everyone was so nice. And the best part of it, no one knew how you were. It was perfect.

As you were on your usual morning stroll, you got a comm from Phee, telling you to come to the square and meet her new friends. This wasn't the first time this had happened, and you were excited to see who Phee had met this time.

"Alright Phee, I'm here. Now who are..." you trailed off, freezing in your spot, when your eyes came in contact with the ship that had been your home many rotations ago.

Your brain was working overtime to find the best possible escape route, but it was too late. Four heads turned and starred at you, their eyes wide and mouths open.

"Y/N..." Wrecker was the first to open up, a smile spreading on his lips. But when he took a step forward, you took a step back on instinct and you saw the hurt flashing in his eyes.

"We... we thought, you were dead... is it really you?" He tried again, but you still said nothing.

"Uhh Y/N do you know them?" Phee was obviously confused

"Well obviously she must be rather cautios of us, given the circumstances in which we saw her last. But I believe she looks to be in good health" Albeit a surprised tone, Tech spoke up, adjusting his goggles.

It was too much for you. You were scarred, you couldn't look any of them in the eyes, especially not Hunter. So you turned and ran. Just like you did on Kallar.

Ignoring the calls from behind you.

______________________________________________________________

They couldn't believe their eyes, when they saw you. Hunter had been heartbroken that day on Kallar, and he never thought, he'd ever feel better. Then Omega showed up, and he suddenly had a new purpose in life. But when he saw her standing there on the square... he felt his world turn upside down again.

"Who was that?" Omega asked carefully, making Hunter look at her with soft eyes.

"An old friend who we thought had passed away" Hunter explained, not wanting to go into too much detail right away.

"You should talk to her" Echo nudged him, "We'll go with Omega"

Hunter shot his brother a grateful look and rushed after his cyare.

When he found you on the beach, his heart did a flip. You looked just a beautiful as the last time he saw you. You had changed, yes, but you were still you.

"Y/N please don't run away again" he begged, and when you turned around and finally met his eyes, you had tears in them.

"I- Hunter" was all you said. All you could manage to say. You still kept a small distance.

"I thought, I had lost you. When the regs starting shooting at you and Master Billaba... we are not with the Empire, cyare. I promise" his words were firm, but his voice were shaking.

Carefully, he took a step forward, and you stayed.

"Why did it happen?" You asked, having about a million questions.

"It's a long story, why don't you come back and I'll tell you everything?" he moved closer and closer until finally, he stood right in front of you.

You felt yourself breaking again, tears streaming down your face as you let Hunter embrace you.

"Oh Hunter..." you choked.

"Cyare... I missed you" he whispered, kissing the top of your head.

"I- I missed you too" you spoke, wiping your tears away after calming down.

For the first time you looked at him with love again, smiling softly at him. So much had happened. So much was lost. But now you had finally gained something again.

You didn't waist another second as your lips crashed against Hunter's, who let out a surprised groan, but quickly kissed you back, sneaking his arms around you as your lips moved in sync.

It was everything you and dreamed of for so long. It was perfect.

If possible, you pulled each other even closer and only pulled away to catch your breath, Hunter's forehead leaning against your own.

"Let's go back, I still have a million questions for you and the boys" you whispered, a pleasant smile on your face.

"On one condition" Hunter said, making you raise a brow at him. "No more hiding this. I love you, cyare. Will all my heart"

You didn't think it was possible, but your smile grew and you pecked his lips again.

"I love you too, Hunter. Now let's go back before Wrecker eats all the dinner"

And as you both laughed and bathed in the morning sun, you took his hand and for the first time since forever...

You were truly home.

______________________________________________________________

Okay, this is not my best work, but I still quite like it. Hope you all enjoyed as well <3 Again, feel very free to comment ideas for other one-shots etc. also, which characters you want to see. It can also be other clones or other Star Wars characters<3

Also - I probably wont be writing crazy smut, maybe spicy stuff but not full on crazy haha.

Bye <3

[melonteee]

I enjoyed OPLA and really did like some of the changes they made but now that it's marinated in my brain a bit. It's hard out here being a Sanji enjoyer fr

I feel like it didn't really show his sensitivity and vulnerability. You said something about Baratie arc feeling like a checklist and GOD yeah it really felt like that :'D I always forget the Mihawk fight happened there honestly and am disappointed that parts of the episodes were dedicated to tension between Nami, Luffy and Zoro about the duel rather than... you know... blorbo from my shows

He really did feel like a side character to his own story cause some of the most memorable things about him were completely missed or skimmed over. I h8 that he just talks about the All Blue and it's not that goofy smile from the animanga. Also that he doesn't watch the fight or have this moment of "wait, my dream is worth fighting for". It's kinda said to our face that "he doesn't leave cause he owes Zeff" but I don't feel it the same way I do in the animanga. I have so many weird feelings cause I love some aspects to OPLA. But as a Sanji fan, I'm sad that he's kinda barely in it? And that what they left in were just surface level observations about him: "he's a chef who fights and flirts" um, where's that self-loathing and self-destructive kindness huh??

At least he calls Zoro mosshead once though and I got the joy of replaying that scene in different languages and now know what "mosshead" is in a plethora of languages.

...also have you seen the YOUTOOZ figures for OPLA cause I'm haunted

I just...everyone was stripped of character but Sanji and Usopp were especially so ruined I really do not understand it. Like I'm sorry, using Sanji's pain and trauma as a lesson for Luffy IS a despicable way to frame it, even worse with Luffy not even ACKNOWLEDGING IT??

One's pain in One Piece does not exist to teach any other characters a lesson, Sanji starving on a rock for 2 months does not exist so he can just tell Luffy how hard it is to be a captain. Which doesn't even make SENSE because Zeff wasn't even SANJI'S CAPTAIN AT THE DAMN TIME. NOR HAS HE EVER BEEN?

I feel crazy because everyone seems very lukewarm on it, and maybe I am just insanely attached to Sanji and feel greatly touched by his story, but is using a character's original written trauma as a plot device for ANOTHER character not insulting? Is there ANY respect for Sanji's 2 months of hell there? There's a damn good reason Sanji's story existed to be his OWN and not a motivational speech for LUFFY??

Imagine if Zoro was like "My best friend died, changing the course of my life and putting me through a grief so heavy I now carry her dream with me. Sometimes death of a loved one is an inevitable factor" and Luffy's like "L+ratio+I would kill MY best friend for Sanji" LIKE...WHA....

This is pure insanity I feel like I'm being shot left and right with everything I hear, like I'm glad people are enjoying bits and pieces, truly, but the flaws and disrespect of original character are just so apparent they're doing my head in - especially with how tons of people are choosing to just ignore it.

They tried to give Luffy this weird Water 7 moment, where he had to learn how to be a captain, but this script failed to consider Luffy had to learn that HIMSELF of his OWN circumstances and decisions with Usopp. Yes he was helped by Zoro in Water 7, but Zoro didn't suddenly just trauma dump about how awful a past he had for Luffy to go "Cool. ANYWAYS!" LIKE I JUST...REALLY? Am I crazy or overly biased or what because god damn I'm just jaw dropped at all of this fhgkd

The Baratie is meant to be Luffy witnessing SANJI'S character, and learning of SANJI'S personality and morals - with Sanji then being inspired from Luffy. Where was that? Where was any of that? Why was Sanji's kindness, stubbornness and self-sacrifice side-lined for a character we've been with LONGER at that point to get a bigger spotlight? It's so weird I don't GET IIIIT DFGHJKD

HOWEVER, yes I have seen the merchandise and it scared me KHDFGJKD sorry for that I...truly had a lot of thoughts hhh

[petersbaby]

My little girl

Part 4 ♡

(Part 3)

Warnings: ddlg themes, choking, creampie, cockwarming i’m going to hell

This is kinda foul LMFAO I’m so sorry

-

“I’ve returned, little one”, he calls out as he walks in and shuts the door behind him. Right on time. After last time he left, you agreed on a system. He got you a watch, and you’d wear it to keep track of time.

Before going out, he gives you a time that he’ll be back by. So you watch the little clock, feeling better knowing he’ll be home definitely at a certain time, no more fears.

You practically run down the stairs to him at the bottom. It was actually quite scary to be in this house alone, but really, it felt scary to be anywhere without him.

Even in the safest place in the world, it wouldn’t be safe to you unless peter was there. You hug him tight, and he laughs at your excitement.

“Okay, I got you some clothes at the thrift store, just for now. When I find work, I will buy you better things. Promise.” he hands you the two big plastic bags. They’re heavy, but you run upstairs with them anyways.

“Let me guess, fashion show?”

“Fashion show!!”

He thinks you’re ridiculous but in the most adorable way possible. He comes upstairs and waits outside of the bedroom door for you to come out. You do, and you have first tried on a large brown knit sweater, oversized and fitting almost like a dress.

“Very cute, a little big, though.”

You frown. “I like it like this, it’s comfier”

“Very well. Okay, next outfit”

He motions for you to go back in the room and continue trying stuff. You do, deciding to just dump the bags out onto the bed instead of digging through them. Next you find pajamas, cute red flannel ones, matching pants and top. It was very Christmas-ey. Not quite the “most wonderful time of the year” yet, but you liked them anyways.

You come back out, hoping he says something sweet because you love when he does that.

“Really cute. Adorable.” He says with a soft smile. You blushed and walked closer to him and wrapped your arms around him in a hug.

He did the same, his scent still managing to be somewhat sterile just as it was in the lab as you breathe him in. The scent brings you back, and you remember how glad you are to have gotten out.

At the same time, though, you had a really weird homesick feeling. You feel safe with Peter, but being secured in there was a different level of safety. The world outside it was scary, unforgiving. Dangerous. But the place you’re thinking of no longer exists, you helped it get destroyed.

The scariest part, though, is that you feel no remorse. It had to be done in order for there to be a future for the two of you, you would have never been allowed to be together.

This was the only way. Now, it can be just you forever and ever. Til death do you part, at least you hope.

The hug must’ve lasted a little longer than normal, because he pulls away from you looking concerned.

“What’s wrong, hm?”

“Nothing. I’m okay, I just had a thought that I wish would go away.”

“What is it? The thought?”

You sigh, plopping down on the bed.

“Just thinking about where we came from, just remembering everything.”

“You don’t have to think about that anymore, we got out, okay?”

“I know I don’t have to think about it, my brain kinda just… does.”

“Well then we’ve got to figure out a distraction for you, yeah?”

“Maybe. Not right now though. I just wanna be with you.”

You put the clothes back in the bags for now, leaving them on the floor. You lay in silence for a minute, but your mind starts to wander again.

“Peter.”

“Hmm?”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Yes, baby.” And you do. Before, you were filled with adrenaline and it all went to fast. You learn, in that moment, that there’s no activity other than kissing him you’d ever want to do more.

You deepen it, tilting your head slightly to the side to do so. He was expecting just a sweet little kiss from you, never something this lust filled and passionate. Still sitting beside eachother on the bed, he turns to face you and you do the same.

His hand rests on your face at first, thumb caressing your cheek, but it soon moves down until both are resting on your hips.

He takes the opportunity to pull you with him as he lays back, landing you on top of him in his lap.

Since you seemed so eager, he wanted to let you take the lead. He would only do what you wanted, never more.

This was a great way for you to show him some of the things you want to do. You roam your hands around, touching his face at first and then running your hands through his blonde curls, bunching them up in your fingers and accidentally tug. He makes a slight grunting noise at this, so you do it harder and he groans this time.

The way you were touching him was so sweet but so vulgar at the same time. It was like you knew exactly what you wanted to do, and did just that with everything you had in you.

You start to move your hips, wanting to feel that hardness grow right beneath you, and it did. It only encouraged you to go harder, faster.

The way his boner was rubbing against your clothed heat was so good, indescribable. You unbutton and shrug off your top, leaving your chest out for him to indulge in if he wanted. He groans and reaches up to grope your tits, squeezing hands full of them.

You push his chest so that he falls back onto the bed and lean so you’re on top of him still but this time hovering over his body which he was just practically watching you use as you wanted to.

You tug on the collar of his shirt, and he starts unbuttoning it until his whole abdomen is exposed.

You start to kiss and lick down his neck, but stop to pay extra attention and gentleness to the scars he has from being burned and electrocuted.

You take a break, heated breaths filling the air around you. You slide off of him in order to take your bottoms off and he starts to do the same with his own.

Once he has them down all the way, you return to your place and grind again, this time without the layers of clothes.

Just running your pussy lips over the length of him, just enough to spread the wetness without actually having him inside you yet.

His hands are on your hips again and you reach down to get him positioned and you sink down onto him, to which you can’t control the sound that came out of your throat.

It was a filthy sound, but maybe he liked it because he was just staring at you, as if in a trance. His mouth hangs slightly agape.

He grips your hips tighter and starts to move them for you after you sit still for a little too long. It’s so deep that you swear you feel it all the way up in your stomach.

Your body chooses to react by basically turning into a rag doll. You fall forward again, bare chest to bare chest. So much warmth between the two, burning hot like fire at contact.

“Oh my god”, you murmur.

“Tired already?” He smiles.

“No.. maybe.. just feels too good” he decides to take control back, flipping your bodies so that he was on top of you now.

He starts fucking you in missionary, watching your sweet face as your expression shows outwardly how much pleasure you were experiencing.

He leans down to kiss your neck, sucking and biting with teeth every now and then. The feeling of the sharpness on such sensitive skin made you squirm.

“Gentle, please, daddy. That hurts.”

“Sorry princess.” He places light kisses on the marks he’s made and continues to thrust in and out of you. You start to feel as if something’s missing, something that you’re not getting.

You reach down between where your bodies connected and and start to rub yourself while he fucks you, not needing to do it for very long before you were about to fall apart underneath him.

“Please don’t stop, please, please-“ a hand on your throat.

“Shh, baby, I’m not stopping.” And he doesn’t.

You can hardly speak so you just cry out in desperation before you went over the edge and clenched tightly around him as an orgasm rocked your entire body. “Shit.”

You’ve never actually heard Peter curse, now that you think about it. He was very against that type of thing usually, but it slipped out. Either that, or maybe he just doesn’t care about rules anymore? His motions get harder, with great intensity before becoming sloppy and cumming inside you.

The warmth you felt when he did this was an indescribable feeling, it was the best sensation you’d ever felt and it made you feel loved knowing that he was still inside you even when he wasn’t.

You wanted to keep it there, and so after he pulls out and lays next to you, you try to squeeze your legs shut to keep the cum from escaping.

“What’re you doing, baby? Did I do something wrong, does it hurt?”

“No no it doesn’t hurt.. I just.. wanna keep it in”

He looks confused for a minute but connects the dots. He pushes your hip to turn you on your side and does the same himself, settling into a spooning position and sliding his cock back inside of you.

He winced just slightly at the sensitive feeling, but it went away once he stopped moving.

You lay together like that for a while, and you feel content in every way possible. You think about the fact that maybe one day you’d like to have kids with him.

You shut your eyes as you start to imagine what life could be for you guys, and soon drift off to sleep.

[a-substantial-trash-pile]

id be so interested in learning abt ur hlvrai2 idea...

ough ok sorry i’m about to brain dump my unformulated unorganized ideas all over this post (tysm for the ask btw). i don’t expect anyone to read all this, but it’s nice to actually write all the ideas down. WARNING long ass post under cut 👇

so like as i rambled about in this post, essentially the science team is stuck in an endlessly looping simulation that was made as an early test of black mesa’s virtual reality/ai tech. it’s built a lot like a game because that format makes it easier to run tests over and over.

anyways, hlvrai happens, they beat benrey, they go to chuck e cheese. but the party is also a cover for gman to temporarily isolate the science team in a little mini pocket simulation as he tries to fix whatever-the-hell is wrong with the main test one. except he fails.

hlvrai2 starts with gordon waking up on the tram, playing this game to test this cool vr tech for black mesa. except gordon is not excited this time. in fact gordon is freaking out because he remembers everything from the previous loop and he is wondering WHY he’s back here. why isn’t the test over. also he only got to eat 1 slice of pizza at chuck e cheese before everything blacked out so that sucks too.

gordon’s not the only one who remembers the last loop. everyone else who aren’t just random npcs also remember. before it was just tommy, gman, sunkist, and benrey who retained memories of previous loops. tommy and gman because their job is to keep the simulation intact, sunkist because tommy made her like that, and benry because he’s an anomaly (human consciousness and alien program/virus thing melded into one). in benry’s case, the memories are more jumbled and muddled in his head. so things don’t make a lot of sense for them.

anyway my idea is that this new loop that they’re in is even more screwed up than the last one. like the seams are really breaking and shit’s getting through. enemies that never appeared in any iteration before are appearing now. sections of the map have either moved or are missing entirely. there are new places too that don’t exactly look like they belong (bubby opens a closet door to reveal a forest, “what the hell is this narnia shit”). it’s super obvious that their world isn’t “real” and coomer, bubby, and darnold have to come to terms with the fact that they’re ai. although maybe bubby not so much because honestly xe doesn’t really give a shit about having a crisis over it (“I’m already a test tube baby—what difference does it make”). but bubby, like the others, would like to escape these endless loops. so that becomes the team’s main goal: find a way out. oh, and find gman too because he’s been missing ever since the loop restarted and tommy doesn’t know where the hell he is and it’s kind of concerning.

darnold joins the science team because he also remembers the last loop and wow this whole situation is just really messed up i guess i HAVE to go on a epic quest now dang. she takes up the healer role with her potions (not a huge fan of the violence), plus he just tends to fret over others in general. benrey rejoins the science team, which of course leads to tension that has to be worked out. now that benry isn’t coded as the antagonist/final boss anymore, he doesn’t have malicious intentions, but they’re still a little shit. they feels bad about what they did but doesn’t really know how to express it other than riling up gordon. though things get better between gordon and benrey as the adventure progresses and they have to save each other’s asses multiple times. he even says sorry eventually.

sooo i don’t exactly know how they break out yet, but they will stop the loops and escape into the actual main simulation of reality, the one that irl black mesa made to preserve humanity. the science team’s simulation was one of the tests that helped black mesa build the main simulation except nobody thought to stop running that test program—hence why the team’s been looping all this time. but yeah i’m still thinking about how it all ends. and also what the heck i want to do with forzen. i think i want him to be similar to be an ai that a piece of alien virus/coding latched onto. i think the alien virus/code used to be bigger and more intact before irl black mesa began messing with the alien tech, then it got fractured off into pieces that eventually found things in the system to latch onto, which is why forzen’s like “we used to be best friends” to benry. because technically there’s a part of them that used to be part of a bigger thing. idk. i think i want forzen to play a bit of an antagonist role, but not as a really bad one or anything. he’s just misguided. and maybe confused. let’s be real he doesn’t really know what he’s doing.

gman is missing because he’s dealing with his “Employers.” aka the super advanced hivemind ai that helps keep everything running in the background. they think the test simulation isn’t worth having around anymore because it’s becoming more trouble than it’s worth and they think gman isn’t able to handle it, so they’re stepping in. they aren’t the reason the test simulation is breaking down—the deterioration just got their attention. gman’s trying to either convince them to NOT erase it all or just stall them long enough in hopes that the science team figure a way out before the hammer comes down.

i was thinking who the main antagonist WOULD be, but maybe there doesn’t actually need to be one. it’s mostly the science team vs the test simulation. i guess the Employers could be seen as the main antagonist, but they’re just doing what they think is best to keep everything running smoothly.

ok that’s it im going to stop i’ve drained my brain resources. if anyone’s actually read all the way through, wow. thanks for slogging through my ramblings. :’)

[daedalusdavinci]

I love, love, love your Twobats fic with college!Bruce and Two-Face-but-not-yet-called-that. It's so fulfilling to see Two-Face and Bruce interact before the whole acid shebang.

(Side note...do you have any headcanons on college TwoBruce?? They've wormed their way into my brain and just won't leave.)

thank you!!! ;;;;;;;; i have a lot of very passionate feelings abt bruce knowing 2f before he became 2f ykwim

college bruharv is so important to me and college twobruce is perhaps even MORE important to me. yes yes we all KNOW that harvey and bruce spent their college days entirely wrapped up in each other in a tentative space between friends and something more wrestling with homophobia and their personal demons alike and i COULD talk about that for ages but LISTEN. LISTEN.

first of all i think most people dont realize that its incredibly unlikely that 2f just suddenly popped up after the incident. i think 2f is more likely one of the first alters and has been around for a long time, though due to how hard harvey has tried to suppress his did (and continues to try) they have a very complicated relationship that leaves 2f spending most of his time before that point pretending to be harvey and feeling unsure about who he is (and probably suffers from extremely low self esteem due to being a trauma holder with no support network). so, then, when theyre in college, weve got them at a point where theyve done some therapy (in multiple canons harvey knows he has did and was diagnosed with it relatively young, and went to therapy to address it (btas), tho his therapist was..... not great) and theyre living away from their father probably for the first time which any victim of child abuse knows is a whole thing. which is pretty much the perfect time for them to meet bruce

bruce in college is starting his plans to become batman. hes figuring out how to act like a playboy, planting the seeds of the brucie image, and simultaneously trying to learn everything he can without looking like thats what hes doing. hes sorting through trauma in a big way and trying to figure out how to turn it into something constructive, or make it "good damage." harvey is doing much the same thing, albeit less crazy, and for bruce its almost too easy to latch onto this guy who 1) is a huge egghead and helps him study and 2) understands. so they become friends (and a little more), and 2f is suddenly in a position where hes fronting around this guy who believes that hes his best friend in the world

and its bruce. hes a good friend, a safe friend, and when harvey quietly admits that he has did and theyre struggling to get through school life, hes supportive. hes there for them. he doesnt know when 2f is there, but 2f sees him getting books on did, sees him trying to learn, changing his language, trying to understand and support them. he doesnt get all of it but no one has ever even tried before and for the first time in his entire life 2f feels like there might be a person he can be himself around. so slowly, carefully, he starts letting bruce know when hes fronting

i think bruce is 2fs first friend thats his. i think bruce is the first person outside of a therapist who gets to meet 2f and he regularly stops 2f in his tracks just because he knows and yet somehow he doesnt hate 2f. he doesnt blame him when things go wrong, he doesnt think theres anything wrong with him, he just loves him unconditionally the exact same way he loves harvey. its the first time 2f really gets to be himself and explore the ways hes different from harvey around another person and having bruce is huge for him. harvey has so much resentment for 2f and yet bruce just has none, and its the first time anyones really loved 2f and i think that sits with him for the rest of his life. like, years down the line, when 2f is pissed at batman and tearing around the city, hes still got this little soft spot somewhere in his heart for bruce wayne.

this wound up basically being a huge dump about how i vaguely think of their relationship in college in overarching terms but if you want specific headcanons i can do that too alskdjnfsdf just probably in a different post bc this is so long and i got so carried away

[ofmymuses]

heads up! below the cut is long and personal (probably oversharing too KSDFJH)—

hi friends!! i'm in the mood to word vomit about the past few months so, here goes nothing~ if you have any comments or questions or anything like that, both my dms and inbox are open ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ ♡

so, i've been in a transitional "era"(?) for the past few months as i try to navigate a whoooole lot of change - too much change almost. i won't get super into it rn but one of the changes is that i've recently made the decision to stop my antidepressants.. and let me tell you.......... it's been an experience; like i said above, i'm trying to navigate all of these new thoughts and feelings since coming off

obviously i've noticed a big change in myself - mostly with how i think and how i feel emotions. i can't afford therapy right now so i've been talking to my best friends and my fiancé instead and we all agreed that i have bpd (they're diagnosed with bpd so i very much trust their opinions). despite this, i'm still going to get professionally diagnosed once i save enough money to do so. regardless of what it is, i've known that my brain's wiring is different for some time now so i can't say i'll be very surprised

i don't think i ever really showed symptoms of bpd before because i was medicated, you know? but now that i'm off of it, my true self is shining more. it's been interesting learning new things about myself. it's honestly really cool learning things about myself that i didn't know before. but i (desperately) need to learn how to manage all of these new experiences because i've never dealt with them before. i'd been on meds for....... god. a very long time. if anyone has any recommendations for videos or books or posts about managing bpd or anything along those lines, i would appreciate them being sent my way!! i probably won't publicly answer them so that i can save them so thank you in advance to anyone who sends resources my way ♡♡

something i also wanted to quickly note is my fiancé.. so, as you may know, i broke up with my long-term boyfriend back in the summertime and shortly after that, i met the literal light of my life. we met at school but how we "met" was just us looking at each other across the room and smiling. i eventually wrote him a little note that i liked his art and when i went to the washroom, he slipped one back saying that he really likes my smile and the rest is history 🥺 we just recently moved in together into the cutest little apartment we went to the mall not long ago and we were looking at one of the merchandiser's jewelry and he jokingly said something along the lines of: "i would ask you to marry me with one of these $10 rings, i don't care" and i said back "and i would say yes" so he told me to pick one out and i picked up the first one that caught my eye (it resembles a tiara with a blue heart in the middle + white crystals going across).. at this point, the cashier was almost done ringing up his order so i had to pick quickly and it turned out that the one that had caught my eye fit perfectly on my ring finger. so i took that as the biggest sign of approval and went with that one. later that night, i got him to help me adjust it and as he was giving it back, i told him to ask before giving it back (mostly as a joke) so he got on one knee and "proposed" before sliding it on my finger. technically, it was a proposal and i did accept but we're seeing it as more of a promise ring until he can get an actual ring. but i still like to call him my fiancé and he calls me his girl + his wife and i'm just :'')) very happy

sooooooooooooooo, yeah! that's pretty much all i wanted to dump DFGKHGJ this year has been the biggest transition of my life but i finally feel like i'm where i'm supposed to be. i don't know if this is going to make any sense but the person i created myself to be in order to fit in growing up doesn't fit the environment i feel i'm supposed to be in so unlearning everything and letting my authentic self come out has been challenging but so rewarding. it has made me a bit sad that a few of my family members have been worried about me because imo, there's nothing to worry about. but anyway

i feel like i could go on and on about the shit that's been going on but one or two topics is enough for now. so thank you for reading my brain dump! i hope you have a lovely rest of the weekend 🥰

(also i didn't proofread this so please ignore any mistakes)

[edge-oftheworld]

“yknow as a fandom I think we could do a better job of appreciating Sierra Deaton”

No just have less appreciating Sierra cause she’s been anti-black, a creep towards fans, invalidated a 5sos fan’s mental health because they’re a fan, trauma dumped on young fans and overshared, slut shamed Ashton, and so on and so forth

hey anon!! Thanks for this concise little list. But seriously, thanks for making me think and pull together a bunch of ideas in my head; I hope in this essay really you can see some of my thought process. I can’t imagine how hard it’d be to be reaching out with something really hard and expect compassion and get a negative interaction instead—if that was you or whoever it is I hope they’re doing better and finding community and people who care. And I don’t want to pretend she’s perfect or has done everything right, we know that’s not how it is, Sierra knows that, Luke knows that, so does, idk, God.

and I’ll admit I’m a bit old fashioned when it comes to cancelling people and I do like to try and see the good in people where possible—sometimes imo it’s the only way to get any positive change. to look beyond the superficial where someone might lash out—is it in malice, or fear, a momentary impulse they might regret later or maybe realise for some reason were pushed to a point where they couldn’t manage anything better. I know I’ve been to that point and I know how I spiral if I don’t know how to forgive myself. I also know this is a fandom where shit gets real and we’re young and hurting and sometimes that just makes us defenceless against our idols and those around them being human, and the shitty side of human we all have potential to become too. And we live in an era of systemic racism and lack of access to mental health services which both causes and exacerbates so many issues that, was the world not so anti-black; had every mentally ill child and youth a support network in real life (instead of the way many of us often spend years only ever feeling seen by the songs we listen to, 5sos songs easily filling in that need)—we might be a little more able to be like ‘wtf that’s not cool but that’s a her problem’ and move on. and can I say we do deserve a world that doesn’t discriminate. And in order to get what we deserve we have to make it. and in order to make it we have to learn how to do better and let people learn to do better—these people aren’t going anywhere. somehow bad people have to turn into good people and yes in order to do that they have to be made accountable. Repentance is truly a beautiful thing; it’s also something that can’t happen when we feel scared and in our survival brain. When we feel like that we tend to easily get into us vs them and dig deeper into our (often wrong) convictions and that’s actually an evolutionary response to when we have to fight against predators; we don’t have time to think ‘but what if they’re actually in the right’ when we’re fighting for our lives.

and this isn’t the place to psychoanalyse Sierra. I don’t know exactly what goes on in her head, I don’t know if she’s sorry or even remembers these things but I do know the rift between her and fans has been quite heated and even scary at some points over the years. And maybe I have the privilege of never being someone who has been hurt by her to have grace for the fact that ‘gotta be nice to this fan they’re having an experience of a lifetime to be interacting with my partner and I’m gonna give the benefit of the doubt that they’re not one of the individuals in a sea of fans who all look identical to me sending me death threats’ is a hell of a lot to put your brain through every single day. If she (and it’s not if, we know she did) make mistakes. If there was too much trauma to hold and she put it out on the internet to cope in a season of her life. If the insecurity became jealousy of one of the most important people in her s/o’s life which became insults that were thrown around back in high school before everyone realised how uncool they were and tried to stop using them but they were still burned in their brains to come out on impulse (I actually have no idea how that specific event went down, or if there were one or multiple). I hope they sorted that out internally; I don’t know what else I can do but trust that it’s something they’re capable of doing and care for each other enough as a group of friends and songwriters to do.

I wanted to save the lateral racism example for last because I feel like everything above is kind of a metaphor for it, if you follow. I’m coming from a place where I’m southeast asian and part white living in a largely western country, so is Sierra, so I’m automatically going to see her as ‘like me’ (and can I say how rarely I get this kind of representation?) whereas if you’re black, or if you find your experience more relatable to blackness, then you’re going to experience this very differently. I can’t know your experience. I also know that asians can be brutal in this area: it’s the reason my childhood best friend hasn’t told her dad she got engaged to her partner nearly a year ago. Lateral racism isn’t okay. But unfortunately what happens is often when you’re discriminated against in some ways we’re conditioned to take the side of the oppressor against someone who’s discriminated against in other ways. It’s all ‘okay maybe I’m x and I should be y but at least I’m not z’ and again it’s that evolutionary survival instinct to not be at the bottom of the pile; channeled in horrible ways into today’s society. It takes a lot of effort and self awareness to be like ‘we’re united in this experience of being oppressed, together we have the power to make a stand that this is Not Cool’ and most of us fail the first few times. but what’s important is we keep trying. we can all heal together when we do.

so anon I have no idea who you are or your background or how much you’ve had to wrestle with this yourself, if you’ve had to stand up against communities who were hostile, if you’ve had to do this while being discriminated against from outside as well, if you know the experience of not fully being one race but not fully being another etc. and also you’ve got no obligation to like Sierra, this is such unsolicited advice but this whole release period for boy ep I’ve really just been thinking ‘it’s healthy to feel our feelings even when it’s not always pleasant isn’t it’ and wherever that hurt is please love it embrace it bring it into the light whatever you do to realise you’re valuable and you don’t have anything to be ashamed of. even your mistakes and where you’ve hurt people and regret that, you’re gonna grow so much from that and have so many chances to do better. maybe you’re young and you haven’t had the chance to hurt anyone yet. I hope you manage to stay that way but if you do, I hope you can forgive yourself too. I hope you dip your toes in activism for Black Lives Matter, for mental health, for sex positivity, I can see you really value these things and that’s really encouraging to see.

and in the end: sometimes I have to be annoyingly human and come down to the fact that I really enjoy the songs that Sierra writes. I’ve fanned enough about gothic summer on this blog already. I enjoy the things she writes and so I listen to them, and I’m not actively boycotting Sierra specifically, I love the creative outcomes when she works with 5sos as a whole, with Luke, with other artists I love as well. As a result I do care about her as a person, I always do, and hey, I respect her funny little routine donations and the undertones of her UNICEF donation back in October and the random animal sanctuary and the occasional nod to some Australian mental health charity.

I’ve inferred a lot about how much more relaxed and at ease and free to feel things and process life at his own pace Luke seems to be with her than beforehand—and the fan in me who’s so protective of these guys just desperately wants someone to be there for them in ways that really matter and I feel like we have seen that, even despite the often rocky nature of the relationship between Sierra and Luke’s fans. Luke is someone I relate to a lot, and there are some experiences that are really hard to come back from, and I’m really proud of him right now and I do get the impression being with Sierra has really helped him get there. I don’t know for sure, I could be wrong, but I’m always going to be grateful when celebrities get to be human and not have their lives and choices dictated by fans either directly or indirectly. I’ll take the allies I can in my activism and even if there are criticisms around sincerity I do generally see Sierra trying and I want to appreciate that. I don’t want to say she hasn’t hurt anyone ever and I pray for resolution and peace for the fans, for Ashton, for her, for the Black community in general, for everyone who’s been hurt in the wake of colonialism and the generational trauma it breeds. And then I’ll go listen to bloodline and think, maybe in some ways we were born inheriting the sins of our parents before we knew better. But every day I discover ways of choosing better and compassion takes us so far and I hope every day I learn a bit more about how to channel that.

thank you for the ask, it really got me thinking and the opportunity to compile some thoughts I’d had that I didn’t realise formed a neat little mindmap around Sierra as a case study!! Much more fun than regular sociology. And I didn’t even get to delve into the political history of Saigon that I’ve been trying to understand more about!!

[toraavanak]

Hi so I heard Twitter is dying so I'm reposting the Guardian 20 Questions challenge I haven't finished in hopes that I'll EVENTUALLY finish it (according to Twitter, I gotta answer up to 14 but I guess I'll base it off this now-)

Yvaine || Warlock || she/her

1. What is her Ghost's name?

I call him Nix! Yvaine named him after they arrived in the Last City. Both their names are taken from books and datapads she read in the Tower library.

(Massive props to people who can draw Ghost shells this gave me so much pain-)

2-3. Where was she first rezzed? How long ago was it?

Yvaine is a Cosmodrome blueberry, but she was only a Guardian for a few months before the Red War. Nix thinks she might have been a scavenger in her past life but they never did find out where exactly she came from.

4. What is her preferred subclass and/or loadout?

Before Beyond Light, Yvaine was exclusively a Dawnblade. Then Shadebinders became a thing and the rest is history. She still uses Dawnblade as her go-to Light subclass but as a support for her fireteam.

Her favorite use of Stasis is to throw turrets everywhere.

REPOST UPDATE: She now uses all four subclasses pretty frequently depending on the situation, but she still defaults to Stasis Turret throwing.

5. How did she react to being revived?

Yvaine's first revive wasn't violent but she was very disoriented and confused. Nix info dumping did not help-

6. Did she struggle learning to use her Light?

Yvaine couldn't jump to save her skin (literally) and always forgot to use her rifts. Even after the Red War, she was still slipping off of everything (clumsiest Dawnblade ever).

What eventually taught her how to jump were the Expunges during the Endless Night.

7. Does she remember her past or does she care to?

Yvaine wonders what her past self might have been like, if they were similar in anyway.

She still visits the site Nix first raised her, usually when she's feeling lost and isn't sure who to talk to. It's an oddly calming exercise.

8. Is she a loner or does she have a fireteam? Who is her fireteam?

Yvaine 100% works best in a fireteam. Most of them are a little shy (and I don't have permission to draw them) so it's just Lucien the Voidwalker joining us today.

REPOST UPDATE: Lucien got his hands on a really good Starfire Protocol and has since been a Fusion Grenade main. Lucien the Dawnblade, everybody.

9. Dredgen, Snitch or Neither?

In the time between Cayde's death and the Pyramid's arrival, Yvaine spent most if not all of it outside the City. If she was there, she would have sided with the Drifter but she'd tell Ikora after everything settled down.

10-11. What are her thoughts on Darkness? What about the Traveler?

Her feelings for Darkness and Light are the same: they are forces, tools if you will, that can be used for good and evil. She does prefer using Stasis but is comfortable in her Dawnblade support role.

(Armor is so hard to draw why do I have so many sets-)

REPOST UPDATE: As mentioned before, she does use all four subclasses now, and her new go-to Light subclass is Void because she got Collective Obligation (don't come hunting me please-).

12. What are her thoughts on her Ghost and do they get along?

Yvaine and Nix are super close and share the same brain cell (most of the time). Yvaine is easily confused and Nix over-explains everything but the general idea is usually the same.

AND THAT'S ALL FOR NOW!

I still have to do questions 13 and 14 (but if this ends up with more likes than my og Twitter post I'll do the rest too-)

I know it's been a super long post but thank you for reading up until this point! Have fun, stay safe and thanks for stopping by my tiny corner of the internet ^^

[askaborderline]

I know this is more of a vent then a bpd issue, but,,your blog brings me a lot of comfort and I have no safe place or safe person to talk about it. I got back with my abuser who I have a trauma bond with, I'm fully aware its abusive. When we started talking again, he called me pathetic and acted extremely dismissive towards me- But I still got back with him. I haven't told any of my friends, in fact, I did worse. They kept worrying because I was keeping my distance from them again- (1/?)

Alright I'm not sure what April's policy is on answering vents and such, but fuck it we ball

Alright, first of all anon, I want to start this all off by saying I have been in very, very similar situations in my life - not exactly the same, but quite close, so I do have a perspective of where you are and what's probably going on in your head right now. Second of all, you are not a monster - I'm not wiping you clean of mistakes, I'm not saying you've done nothing wrong, but this does not make you a monster. Monsters are something evil we can't understand. You aren't evil, and I can understand you.

Okay, so let's get down to this issue. I'm going to try to point out a lot of objective facts because I know that's what BPD brain compartmentalizes the best.

Fact: Your partner is horribly abusive. You deserve better.

Fact: Your "partner" seems a whole lot better, and they might be willing to give you a chance. You have a shot at better.

Fact: Your friends will find out eventually. Trust me, if there's one thing I've learned from years of suffering from borderline/antisocial/narcissistic personality disorders, it's that nothing ever stays hidden forever no matter how well you keep a secret.

Fact: Your attachment to your abusive partner is a trauma bond and likely an obsession brought upon by them seeming to be your FP. It doesn't have to stay that way.

Fact: You likely suffer from emotional permanence, which is to say that you can't remember feeling anything other than strife and sadness. You have felt other emotions, and you will again.

Fact: There are solutions out of this, and they will hurt. But not forever.

Going with all this, I can only say that I think you need to bring this all out on your own terms. It's not going to be easy, not by a long shot, and I know a lot of this has to do with your disorder, but your best shot at keeping some friends around and your "partner" is admitting to what you did without a mask and dumping your abusive partner. I know it's damn near impossible to see that right now, I know the very idea sounds like suicide and ruining everything you've had, but some of your friends might forgive you. Some of them might stay. You can get a new FP, one who won't use you. Hell, by the sound of this guy, it seems like he knows what your symptoms are (at least subconsciously) and is using them to his advantage, knowing you'll never leave no matter what he does. I've met a ton of fuckers like that, and the only way I got away was when they threw me away.

I am currently trying to dig out of a pile of wreckage that used to be a life because I never stood up for myself, I never admitted to my mistakes, I never left people that were bad for me. Please don't do what I did.

It's gonna sting like hell, and it's gonna feel like the end of the world for a while, but there's a life beyond your partner, and you don't need them. You've made it this far. You're stronger than you know. Don't make the mistakes I did. Dump him, own up to your friends, ask for forgiveness, see what happens. If it doesn't go well, you will find new friends, new opportunities. Life will go on. I know everything seems apocalyptic right now, but it never stays that way.

And please, do not die for your partner. You don't deserve to go out that way, and he does not deserve to kill you.

If you need someone at any point, if you need help digging out of the wreckage, you can find me at @fearofahumanplanet. Call me if you get lost.

I hope you make it and find better people, and I mean it. I really do.

Mod Jane

[nerdyprocrastinator]

Weather Update: Bullet Journalling

It’s been a while since I last talked about my journey of finding the best way to help me get organized and productive. The most recent one that I have tried is using a bullet journal (also known as a bujo). Considering how long it’s been since the last time I gave an update on this, you can say it’s been very useful (except for when it comes to doing this). Here is a bit of information about the process as a whole and my thoughts and experiences with it.

What is Bullet Journaling?

A bullet journal is, in it’s simplest form, a journal that you keep in order to jot down thoughts (sometimes using bullet points therefore giving it the name) and help keep yourself organized. They are meant to be super customizable, so you can do whatever you want in the books, whether it be making spreads where everything has a specific purpose on the page or opening up to a random page and just brain dumping. Either way, it is meant to represent and function in a way that is meant to make you, specifically, stay productive.

A few great YouTube channel or TikTok/Instagram accounts to check out if you’re interested in starting your own or just want to learn more about bullet journaling are:

Bestdressed/Bestmess on YouTube

Study Quill on YouTube

Bullet Journal on YouTube

JashiiCorrin on YouTube

Planningwithkay on Tiktok

Studywithsoybean on TikTok

Memoriesbymeyers on TikTok

Pros

Completely customizable Having a bujo means that whatever is inside is whatever will help you be and stay productive. Depending on how often you want to spend time setting things up, you can change things based on what works for up on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis. It can be as detailed or as vague as you need it to be.

Relaxing Because of the way I have set up my bujo, I spend about 30 minutes a night just setting up and perfecting my spread for the next day. While this is not at all necessary in order to make this effective, it is very nice to have one activity a night where I feel like I am both being productive and unwinding at the same time. Or this time could be used in order to help you get into the working and being productive mindset. Either way, it is an excellent transition activity.

Cons

Investment Because of the way I got into keeping a bujo, it cost a lot of money for me to get an extremely good quality notebook that I would be happy to use all the time, as well as to get the butt ton of stationary. However, this is completely optional since you don’t have to go off the deep end immediately, if you just want to try it out and see if it actually works for you.

High maintenance This is not going to be true for everyone all the tie, this mainly applies to what I have done myself. It can seem fun for a little bit when you are just starting, but there will inevitably days that you can’t keep up with the way you set up your journal if you go the way I did. And because of these drop offs, it can be very hard to get back on if you choose to make your bujo a bit on the complicated side.

Reflection

I feel that this is an amazing tool for anyone who is needs to write things down constantly. I love keeping a bujo, but sometimes it can be hard to keep up with it. My advice to anyone just starting out with it is to take it easy when you first start, don’t fully commit immediately. That will lead to burn out; however, don’t be afraid to just test random things at the start so. You can better find what does and doesn’t work for you. One of the best things is the customization, so fall into it as you go; rely on it.

Let me know if you guys have ever made a bujo and your experience with it. What tips and tricks do you have for people just starting out? I love hearing from you guys.

[meat-pvppet]

Tell me about your OCs

HI OK SO due to no specification im just gonna info dump on a bunch of them that have been stewing around in my brain

ok so firstly ill talk about Dr. Malcom Ransom cuz hes one of the few characters i have for completely original stories that i actually still like

i dont like his current design tho so ill be redesigning him soon

here is he btw

anyway, dr malcom here is a high end robotics engineer who runs his own company RansomWare (very ironic) who also works with body modification and prosthetics

RansomWare is a really well known company and his robots are literally everywhere

kinda like elijah kamski from dbh

as you can probably tell by his current design with his arms and legs being prosthetics, he's been in some freak accidents

or maybe he just did that on purpose as hes always hated how soft and squishy the human body can be

and anyway with his current mostly robotic body its easier to do his work

on the darker side ig, hes completely aware of whatever his robots see and hear

he gets daily reports on all of it and scans through it all to make sure nothing is wrong with his bots conditions

on to fan ocs cuz those are plentiful and i like talking about them

for now im just gonna talk about Chasm and Captain Rivers who are from completely different fandoms

this is Chasm

specifically Chasm-56

hes an exo warlock from destiny 2

mans been through alot as hes one of the first exos made in Braytech since he used to be a scientist there that was researching on how to even go about making humans into exos

of course, he doesnt really remember that

or anything at all about his past honestly due to many many many deaths that lead to his memory deteriorating

he doesnt even remember if he was ever human since as his memory deteriorated, he started acting more robotic than human

fun fact: most of his deaths were from the crucible or from "accidents" within fireteam related missions

moving on from that we have Captain John Rivers, who is my latest character that i made out of my own mental illness

if my recent posts dont make it obvious, hes an oc for the 1988 rendition of treasure island

hes a naval captain stationed in bristol

he kinda works like a priveteer tbh as he usually patrols bristol and look for pirates on their way for treasure so his crew can "intercept" that

he also used to be a doctor and kinda works as his own ship doctor as well

most of his voyages usually end in gathering up medicinal herbs and learning something new about the medical field tbh

when it comes to his own health, hes rather conscious about others checking on him or trying to treat him

will usually just deal with whatevers going on with him in silence and treat himself

if hes able to of course

this is mostly cuz he cant be too sure about those around him as he has a bit of a target on his back so its best to take care of it himself instead of risking the possibility of someone making it worse

he also has this weird thing going on where he knows about

literally everything going down on his ship

fun fact: he doesnt wear a powdered wig

he just oils his hair and powders it to dye it white as a powdered wig would be rather bothersome for him to deal with

[teashadephoenix]

I looked up an old friend today, for no real reason other than I thought of her randomly. (Actually it was her birthday four days ago. Maybe that’s why she was lurking in the dark parts of my brain.) 

Things did not end well between this person and I. We were friends for eight years. Most of that time was spent “breaking up” bc she was the type of person who lost interest in me if she got a boyfriend, and she had to have a boyfriend, but she had bad judgment (like everybody does when youre 17) so they would cheat on her or were bad boyfriends, or whatever. So she’d dump them and come be my friend again-- for a few months, until she forgave the boyfriend or found a new one. This was exacerbated by the fact that even when we were hanging out, we fought. I couldn’t tell you what we ever fought about, but I do know that I wrote letter after letter telling her I was done with being treated badly and that I didn’t want to be friends with her anymore. But she always managed to find a way back in.

It wasn’t until after my mom died and I ventured into the adult world that I really saw how abusive she was. She talked down to me. She talked over me. My opinions were worthless. She had no respect for my beliefs (she was always trying to convert me to Christianity by way of “casually” reminding me I was going to Hell if I didn’t.) She was openly homophobic at a time in which I was just beginning to really question my own sexuality. I knew I would never be able to be honest with this person --who called herself my best friend-- about who I was. I’ve also referred to this person occasionally when talking about my asexuality journey, because she was the one who kept trying to set me up on blind dates and could not accept that I was happy being single. (Which, I get. I get that it’s hard to understand where someone is coming from when it’s so different from your own place. But that’s literally part of being a compassionate human being: accepting others’ differences even if you maybe don’t fucking get it.)

There is just... so much damage that this person did to me, that still affects me today. She was my first real brush with a Christian who wasn’t my mother, and she’s laid the foundation for all the Christians who followed her. I still have a hard time trusting people who say theyre Christian, bc I know no matter how much I beg and plead for them not to, the conversion attempts will follow. She is why I have a hard time talking things out when I am frustrated, why I simply let things fester in resentment-- because I couldn’t discuss any problem that arose between us without calling a guilt trip down on my own head. Any criticisms were mortal wounds to her ego, and she played the victim until I was apologising for bringing it up. I know the narcissist’s handbook now but 16 years ago I did not. She’s probably the reason I don’t like having people in my house, because she used to come over and stay nine, ten hours, and of course I couldn’t ask her to go home, because she would take it personally. (And no, before you ask, I did not have any other friends. I had been convinced, a little bit by her and mostly by my own self, that I was bad with people and couldn’t make other friends, so I had to hang on to the one that I had.)

Even just writing this out is bringing back the anxiety that I used to feel when she’d texted to say she was on her way to my house. I haven’t seen her in years and it’s as real as it was the last day I saw her. And I’m so fake, even now, with people. I can have so much anger and frustration boiling under the surface and you’d never know because Im so used to pretending everything is fine. 

Anyway, all this to say:

It isn’t just parents or romantic partners that can hurt you. How we relate to people is built by all the people we know, parents, teachers, regular faces in the crowd. And friends. That is how we learn how to people, by being with people.

And anybody can abuse you, especially when you trust them not to. Friends have a special key to your heart and you must be wary who you let in there. 

Because friends who talk down to you are not your friends. Friends who make you feel afraid to be who you are are not your friends. Friends who give you anxiety attacks at the mere idea of them coming over are not your friends.

But if you let them have a key, they can trash the place and you are the one left picking up the mess. Sometimes that shit takes years. Sometimes you can think it’s okay, that everything’s back where it’s supposed to go, and then you remember it’s their birthday and everything just upends itself off a table.

[mlacks]

Becoming an investment banker Progress report November 2023 - March 2024

Written by Michael, on Mar. 12 , 2024 

Image stolen from the Dolphine Project progress report - Short link

As I transition out of the military, Its time to apply more pressure to the areas of my life that will move me into investment banking. I want to document as much as possible so that I can both keep track of my changes and others can follow in my footsteps. Big updates are I'm not out of the military, I've completed a pseudo internship at Goldman Sachs, and have a new job at Accenture Federal Services paying about the same as my previous job - not accounting for taxes.

In some more important news, I am testing a new 'operating system' for myself that has more checks for productivity and progress making. It's been a challenge to get into a good rhythm that works with my wife and my own needs at the same time, but it is getting easier as time goes on.

Add to all of that a marathon of my first ever internship applications and my internship prep, and another course I signed up for and you've got yourself a BAIB Progress Report.

Enjoy.

Notable Changes

Started using Toggl again from a reminder on a Rian Doris video. I've been following Rian Doris for a while and his videos are just unreal as far as the quality and actionability of them goes.

The 10-Minute Rule That Makes Hard Work Feel Like TikTok

When I first implemented watching these videos regularly, I ended up tracking them in outlook as "Flow" R&D.  I make it a point to watch a video per week and implement the lessons in my schedule.

Unable to track things properly without assigning them 'Projects"

I can use something like this but it doesn't really offer any insigts unless EVERYTHING is in a categroie. So I took about 45 minutes and put everything in a category.

I did more time driving than I can study prep

This is what  typical calendar looks like when I plan it. You can see here where I tried moving things around if I didn't get a chance to get to the, I don't always do it and find it easier to just track what I'm doing in toggl and get back to work

This is what calendar integration looks like. I struggle with doing things 'on schedule' because I don't have as much control of my day as I would like to. This is actually alarming as I'm on vacation until the 25th. I should have total control of my calendar life but I use small things like my wife needing a ride to work both as a crutch not to get things done when I say I will, and as a crutch to not try to plan my day at all.

I think its shocking that as someone who prioritizes personal performance, I never bothered to track my time.

Its interesting to see this particular line graph for each project, but as far as I can tell there isn't a way to view these overlayed on each other or even on the same screen without screenshotting them manually.

The other course I signed up for is icanstudy. Its got a bunch of study methods for you to try out.

Knowledge mastery (order of learning)

Techniques

Lower-order

(Best for direct fact recall and detail memorization)

3Cs

Flashcards (simple)

Brain dump (linear)

Generated questions (isolated)

Teaching (isolated)

Feynman method*

Method of loci or our Modified Method of Loci

Story/link method

Ben system

Mid-order

(Best for knowledge application, basic problem solving, and obvious relationships)

Flashcards (simple relational)

Brain dump (mindmap)*

Generated questions (simple relational or multi-relational)

Teaching (simple relational)

Practice questions (direct method and advanced group method*)

Feynman method*

Higher-order

(Best for discussions and complex problem-solving where multiple concepts affect each other)

Chunkmaps

Flashcards (evaluative) 

Brain dump (mindmap)*

Generated questions (evaluative)

Teaching (Modified WPW)

Peer/Group discussion (evaluative)

Practice questions (extended method and advanced group method*)

Feynman method*

The course is a little expensive but it comes with access to the instructors and a discord community, so I'm finding value from it

Answering the questions

Evaluating our confidence

Creating perfect answers

Checking our answers against official answers to find even more gaps

Choose a Topic: Select the topic or concept you want to learn or understand.

Teach it to a Child: Explain the topic as if you were teaching it to a child or someone with no prior knowledge of the subject. Use simple language and avoid jargon.

Identify Gaps and Simplify: As you explain the topic, pay attention to areas where your explanation is unclear or where you struggle to simplify. This helps you identify gaps in your understanding.

Review and Refine: Go back to your primary sources and learning materials to fill in the gaps and improve your understanding. Simplify your explanation further if necessary.

right now I'm focusing on marginal gains

Think about marginal gains consistently. Train yourself to view progress through this lens by default.

Whenever you make mistakes, feed them back in as reflections for your next cycle of experiments.

Avoid randomly experimenting on different changes every time.

Get feedback on your work and progress regularly.

Ensure you are getting advice from reliable, qualified sources of expertise.

Non-linear note-taking

Delayed note-taking

Grouping and categorising

So Anyway, this is the report. I'll check in next month with an improved reporting methods. See ya!

[literaryxcatastrophe]

brain dump 9/25

I don't really believe in coincidences. Things don’t accidentally happen, because truly there are no accidents. Everything on this earth is carefully timed. Sometimes I feel like there are people out there watching each individual. Keeping tabs on their lives and peeking into the lives of others. Bringing people together in what seems like the right place right time, as they laugh knowing that it was all aligned for them anyway. I believe people meet on purpose. We encounter the people in our lives for a specific reason. Sometimes it’s to learn about heartbreak, or what not to do, and sometimes it even makes us better people. On a rare occasion we encounter people in a way that just feels safe. Like you’ve known them for lifetimes and they just get you. Even if there are ups and downs, you know that that feeling of safety is always there. Whether these people stay in our lives for days or years isn’t up to us most of the time. It feels like pieces of a puzzle come together the more we heal from others. I collect parts of the people I love and have loved and have yet to love in my heart like a prized possession. Not because of the idea that I myself am loved, but because there is so much light in others. The world is so dark. It feels like a black hole and the deeper you fall the more content you become with the darkness. Until someone or something comes along to give us hope. To tell us, “But what if this isn’t all there is?” I’ve been reflecting back on my past and current friendships. A lot of them weren’t the healthiest, some downright emotionally abusive but the root of all of them was love. I feel like I fall in love harder with my friends than with my lovers. I read old journal entries and feel sad that things did not end up the way I wanted them to, but I’m also learning to appreciate it for what it was. I’m at a place where I don’t feel close to anyone anymore and it’s making me feel as if a part of my identity is gone. The fear of being unseen is something I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to shake. Maybe it’s past trauma, from always being the weird little girl left out of everything. Not being pretty enough, rich enough, skinny enough, white enough. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m scared of being forgotten. I’m scared that the people I hold so close to my heart are going to push me aside where I merely become a memory. It’s happened in the past. I know I can’t dictate everything based on what happened previously because people aren’t other people even if I feel like they are. I want to give people the chance to prove me wrong. To say “I chose you” but it never seems to happen. A part of myself feels like I’m broken. Like I’ll never be satisfied enough. But when I tell someone my struggles they say “You don’t deserve to be treated like that by them” So am I in fact faking? Am I asking for too much? I feel so grateful but so empty at the same time. I feel like I’m being pulled on opposite ends by darkness and light, and I always choose darkness. It’s where I’m comfortable, where I feel at home. It’s not until I see someone's light that I consider the possibility of more. I want to be a source of light for myself. I want to be able to pull myself out of the darkness because I know there is light in me, I just need to search deep enough to find it.

[tetrisfinished]

over the past little while, i've wanted to come on here and dump my thoughts so many times. but i've just found that i've been having a busy season of life and so....haven't yet had the opportunity.

and tonight, i do have the opportunity - sort of - and of course, nothing is coming to mind.

well, i guess that's not totally true.

i want to talk about anger.

i've been really thinking through a bunch of stuff around this emotion (but IS IT an emotion or is it just a byproduct of emotion that we feel!?).

see, the way i think of it - anger is never alone. anger comes as a result of sadness or loneliness or a host of other negative emotions.

and i think, the more we process and learn to deal with and understand our anger, the better able we might become at dealing with it.

let me give an example of what i mean.

i get angry a lot. for a lot of different reasons. one of them is....when esa is being annoying. when he won't listen to what i have to say or do what i ask of him - it usually leads to anger.

and in the moment of anger, all i do is try and suppress it and keep a calm facade on top and try and handle the situation without exploding on esa.

which works maybe 7 out of 10 times. but esa is left with a LOT of shrapnel of the yelling and rage spewing the 3 out of 10 times i am just UNABLE to process or hold in my anger.

so here's where i think i can work on understanding my anger.

i think i've identified steps to deal with it. i have to step away and really take a couple breaths to get myself back in the state of mind to really think through it

when i've done my breaths, i have to understand what is the reason for my anger; because on the surface it just is that esa isn't listening but more likely the underlying cause could be something like i'm losing control of my situation. like the other day, when i was supposed to be at my cousins' place to go to the carnival together and i stopped at a tim's to get a sippy cup for esa and esa was just not having it and decided to tantrum. what actually happened was, i blew up at him and yelled and scared him - which did work to gain control but i felt like shit right to this moment and that feeling won't stop because i literally tried to SCARE a 3-year-old into obedience. don't bother commenting, no shame anyone else could give me would match the shame i feel for myself in that moment and all through to today...and onwards.

ANYWAY, so if i had just forced myself to step back for TWO SECONDS and asked myself why i was getting so upset or worked up - i would have realized that it was because of multiple reasons.

my kid was not listening - ie loss of control

on top of that he decided to tantrum - ie distressed person that tends to severely overwhelm me

the pressure of arriving at my cosuins' place on time despite that i was actually already late - ie shame

the need to get my kid his sippy cup so i don't end up being the shitty mom who forgets everything for their kid because....shitty mom - ie shame

and all of these things led me to anger.

but if i had just stopped myself for 10 SECONDS, i would have realized:

it is NOT a big deal to arrive a little bit later to someone's place with good reason - i should not be ashamed and instead i should try and leave earlier the next time

my cousin has a BUNCH of extra sippy cups that i know she would have GLADLY handed over to me without a single judgement re: my parenting had i asked - again nothing to be ashamed of because my logical brain knows and understands that she is a compassionate human being and she is always willing to help if needed (and again, i should use this as a note to self to be better prepared the next time)

i never had nor will i ever have control over my kid or any other human being other than myself - so that loss of control over esa was a futile thing to even become upset over.

i should have shown actual compassion to esa in his time of distress and instead i turned around and made the situation 10 million times worse by exploding

but of course, as we know - i did none of those things.

so i guess probably my biggest struggle is being able to access the tiny little rationale or reasonable or logical part of my brain when the anger starts to cloud it and just step away and take a few breaths.

how do i do that?

it's i guess as simple as just doing it.

i have to force myself to step back. i have to force myself to take a breath.

i can do it. and i will try and try and try to do it.

because that feeling of yelling at esa will haunt me forever. and every other time i've given in to my anger.

anyway.

that's all.

goodnight.