you know how the need to deep clean your living space comes so rarely with things like ADHD that once it actually hits you you're like "okay i gotta start on that before the timer in my head runs out and I can't even THINK about doing it for another 2 months!!!"
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before you know about women, you hear that you do not need to love the man, just that you need to love him through his manhood. which is to say you have seen the future painted in lamb's blood over your eyes - how your mother shoots you a look about your father's inability to cook right. how your aunt holds her wineglass and says i'm gonna kill em. men, right! how your best friend bickers with her boyfriend, how she says i can't help it. i come back to him.
you learn: men are gonna cheat. men aren't going to listen when you're talking, because you're nagging. men think emotions are stupid. they think your life is vapid and your hobbies are embarrassing. men will slam things, but that's because men are allowed to be angry. if you get loud, you're hysterical. if a man gets loud - well, men are animals, men are dogs, men can't control their hands or their eyes or their bodies. they're going to make a snide comment about you in the locker room, about your body, about how you're so fucking annoying. you're going to give him kids, and he will give you the money for the kids, and you're going to be running the house 24/7 - but he gets to relax after a long day, because his job is stressful. the man is on stage, and is a comedian, and says "women!"
and you are supposed to love that. you are supposed to love men through how horrible they are to you - because that's what women do. that's what good women do. wife material. your father even told you once - it'll make sense when you're older. it was like staring down a very lonely tunnel.
it feels like something's caught in your throat, but it's all you know, so. it's okay that you see sex as a necessary tool, a sort of okay-enough ritual to keep him happy, even though he doesn't seem to care about happiness as-applied-to you. it is relationship upkeep. it is kissing him and smiling even though he didn't brush his teeth. it is getting on your knees and looking up and holding back a sigh because he barely holds you as you panic through the night. it's not like the sex is bad and you do like feeling wanted. and besides! he's a man! like... they're another species. you'll never be able to actually communicate, right. he isn't listening.
you just don't get it. you don't feel that sense of i'm gonna climb him like a tree. mostly it just feels fucking exhausting. you play the part perfectly. you smile and nod and are "effortlessly" charming. and it's fine! it's alright! you even love him, if you're looking. you could have good life, and a good family, and perfectly happy.
in the late night you google: am i broken. you google i'm not attracted to my husband. you google i get turned on by books but not by him. you google how to get better in bed.
the first time he yells at you, it almost feels like blankness. like - of course this is happening. this is always how it was going to end up. men get angry, and they yell, and you sit there in silence.
you mention it to your friend - just the once - while you're drunk. she shrugs and says it's like that with me too, i just try to forget and move on. men are always gonna hear what they want to. pick your battles and say sorry even though he's in the wrong. you play solitaire online for a month. you go to your therapist appointment and preach about how you're both so in love.
after all, you have a future to want. nobody lied about it - how many instagram posts say marriage is hard. say real love takes work. say we fight like cats and dogs but the best part is that we always make up. how many of your friends say happy anniversary to the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. if you really loved him - loved yourself too - you'd accept that men are just different from you.
the first time she kisses you, it's on a dare at a party. something large and terrifying whips through your body. you wake up sweating from dreams where her mouth is encrusted with pearls and you pick them off one by one with your teeth. fuck. you sit at the computer and your almost-finished game of sim city. you think about your potential perfect life and your potential future family. you google am i gay quiz with your little hands shaking.
you delete each letter slowly. you don't need to love him. you just need to keep going.
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song about something you'll never be forgiven for.
beepbox link here, and a singalong under the read more :''-)
starting point
"…so don't look back"
i took your hand and led you astray
into the light i fear i might have made
a fatal mistake
walk in a straight line
walk in a straight line
i couldn't ask
i only hope that sinners are saved
but in all honesty, my honor keeps me
somewhat afraid
walk in a straight line
don't dare look behind
♫♫♫
i had a dream
we tried to reach the finishing line
but in the silence still the time we killed
had come back to life
walk in a straight line
walk in a straight line
the signs had merged
into a single "end of the world"
where every undead thing was damned to sing
"esrever ni gnos a"
walk in a straight line
…tell me that you're fine
♫♫♫
walk in a straight line (walk in a straight line)
don't dare look behind (don't dare look behind)
tell me that you're fine (something that had died)
you're still breathing right? (are you satisfied?)
walk between the lines (how to save a life)
don't dare look behind (change the ending line)
reach the end this time (tell a little lie)
bring me back to life…
♫♫♫
if i'd look back
and held the hands that led me astray
into the light i'd proudly cry
"this is my final mistake"
walk with me this time
walk with me this time
i should have asked
i know the answer's somewhat cliché
but was it worth the price and worth the pain?
you're fading away—
walk with me this time
bring me back to life…
if i'd look back…
if i'd look back…
if i'd look back…
if i'd look back…
if i'd look back…
if you'd look--
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Just a reminder, I have a patreon!!!
I've been working on actually making stuff to post more often for the lower tiers, and have been consistently doing so!
I post at least a few sketches and drawings every month for the $1 and up patrons
and I've been working on episodes and sharing some updates with my $5 and up patrons
And I have a merch club for $15 a month, but there's still some $10 slots left! I design and send usually a postcard and some stickers to my patrons every month, but sometimes I'll do some experimental stuff; last month I did foil prints, for instance, and a few months before I made magnets!
It also gets you access to private channels in my discord server, where I ask for patron input on things like the merch or drawings, and where I sometimes stream while working :)
Buuuut also, even if you don't want any of this stuff, it's a great way to support me directly if you like my work! I'm still on hiatus so I'm not making any money from work at the moment, but I'm working hard and my patreon enables me at least to buy my groceries!
Here's the link one more time, no pressure of course but I need to promote my patreon more so people actually know it exists haha
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“Hello then, to an Upright cousin.” The child (...) grabs his jacket boldly, pointing back to the door through which Mird brought it.
“Is what you seek through there?”
“Eh,” it grunts in frustration, waving even more vigorously through the door.
Mereel & Family Booksellers chapter 2 by @sidhebeingbrand and @toughbreaks
Just a cleaned up sketch WIP for now, because I don't deal too well with green stuff, and this one would require quite a bit - but I'd been itching to take a crack at this scene for a while now, so here I am! I'm willing to trade this drawing (made for the "fantasy" square of my @bobadinweek AU bingo card, because fae children count there, right?) for the other one made for this very same story on the technicality that Jaster actually very much lives in this one. Technically speaking. I tried my best!
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I typed up an impassioned rant yesterday about some family bullshit that I'm in the middle of but by the time I was done I wasn't Yosemite Sam-levels of angry anymore, but just quietly frustrated and sad so I'll post the gist (bc I do still need attention and I think my mom is sick of talking to me)
my cousin's husband's mom had knee surgery on Thursday, but they also left for vacation on Thursday? I guess they thought she'd have inpatient rehab, but said cousin's husband would come home early if needed. well obviously she got discharged to home the next day and I started getting texts from my cousin about how much money flights back were. I told them all I couldn't be the "on-call" person for this but I guess they decided they could just disregard that and now cousin's husband is not coming home until next weekend and I am indeed the "on-call" person for this? which I know from my cousin's husband's mom asking me to do all this shit I said I couldn't do, as my cousin has stopped texting me and her husband NEVER ONCE texted me
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Well dang.
This is the word count of my second Inside Out fanfiction so far. I have the entire plot planned out, and it's just under 3/4 written right now! (Roughly 5/8ish chapters!)
Will be posting it very soon so keep an eye out if you're interested in this sorta thing! :D Here's the summary below:
Riley is seventeen now, turning eighteen in three months! There's a lot going on, a lot of exciting, scary, big things. And our Riley is a rockstar at handling all of them! And we still love our girl.
Riley is into her final weeks of high school in the sunny June month in San Francisco. Responsibilities are piling up; so when Joy decides to take a stroll in Imagination Land one night to decompress, she comes across something, or someone rather, that puzzles, but also amazes the whole mind.
A canon-complicit future fic of how I would imagine the personification of The Inner Child would pan out!
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