#like when andrew stops being a dick for once

[dollveis]

⠀ ⠀ MOTH TO A FLAME !

ELLIE WILLIAMS ⠀⸝⸝ but does he know the reasons that you cry? or tell me does he know where your heart lies? where it truly lies. ⸝⸝

˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ warnings. +18 content, best friend!ellie x fem!reader, mention of sex with a man, reader is dating a man for the first few paragraphs but they break up soon in the fic, kind of emotional cheating tho, dealer!ellie + mention of usage of weed, reader checking out ellie all the time, it's hinted ellie masturbated thinking about reader and reader did too, ellie's actually kind of a loser lesbian but with a tough facade, idk if there's something more. 4.5k WORDS.

˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ vi's sticky note. so... i was watching tiktok and this appeared, some tiktok fake scenarios also helped me. this took me forever and i pretty much hate how rushed is.

⠀⠀⠀

IT DIDN'T FELT RIGHT, it didn't felt right how his hands roamed through the valley of your hips or how his lips sucked the skin in your neck, leaving soft reddish marks. It didn't felt right how his knee started to make space between your bare legs. It didn't felt right because he wasn't her and just that thought made your heart soak in guilt because he was actually everything you wished once.

Andrew was the type of guy Disney movies showed, with pearly white teeth hiding behind a cute smile, eyes that looked at you with burning adoration and desire, gentle with you and your wishes, the type of guy you would want to bring to your parents house and your friends adore but he was not the type of guy you wanted anymore. Because you didn't want Disney's pretty prince, maybe you wanted your hot lesbian best friend.

Fuck.

"Andrew... can we stop?" your voice coming out almost silent, "i'm not feeling well today," your lips forming a twisted smile as you pushed his shoulders and weight away from your body slightly.

"Oh, sorry, baby," his eyes opening in surprise as he got away, sitting next to your body only covered by your underwear, "i was doing something you didn't like?"

"Oh, no," liar, "it's not that," you were being such a liar. I mean, he was not that horrible at sex and the first times you didn't mind it until Ellie got a stupid girlfriend and your mind kept thinking about how she fucked her when your boyfriend was on top of you, trying to find his way to your inside. Your mind kept thinking about how well she could fuck you with a fake dick, probably better than your own boyfriend.

And you were tired of your own mind because well, you just knew Ellie saw you as her best friend and you should do the same, you had a boyfriend, why your heart wanted to run next to the freckled girl? why deep in your mind you felt you only started date Andrew as an attempt to stop looking at Ellie's lips when she spoke, to stop staring at her freckles longer than a normal friend would do. To stop your heart from racing as fast as a bird's one when she sang love songs looking directly at your eyes, feeling hers drowning in your soul and her essence crawling into your heart, invading it like a plague.

Your boyfriend hummed, stare lost at the back of the room, "it's just that... i feel something's wrong," he turned his head to look directly at you, "like you're not feeling us anymore," his words echoed in your brain, taking you by surprise, you knew Andrew avoided serious themes just like a kid. He had the bad habit of acting deaf towards problems, hiding them under the bed hoping they're gonna resolve by themselves.

You're not feeling us anymore, did you felt you both at some point? or were you just lying to yourself from the start?

"I've been tryin' to ignore it but i can't keep playing dumb," his voice started to escalate, sounding more desperate with every word he was saying, "where your heart truly lies? is it with me?"

"Andrew," you sighed, "what are you trying to-"

"Or with her?" his words kicked directly to your heart, your voice suddenly stuck at your throat, completely tangled around it making you unable to answer and incapable of lying to him and to you once again.

If like your lack of words and silence gave him the answer he nodded, getting up and sighing. Fixed his hair with his right hand as he roamed through his room, first looking for his clothes and dressing up with some basketball shorts and a white tee. For you, you just were frozen there, sitting with your legs crossed at the end of the king sized bed, your mind running as your prefrontal cortex screamed to you for unconsciously follow the insular and your feelings, telling you how dumb you are but... you couldn't help it.

"I like you but i'm not keep acting like i'm blind," he stood up in front of you, towering you, "i think is for the best to take a break until you find out how you really feel," he handed you your clothes and your hand grabbed them as you finally had the courage to face him, "i'm gonna let you change," he avoided your stare, walking towards the door and leaving you alone with yourself and your guilt.

You wish you felt bad, you wanted to feel something at least something minimum. Whatever it was, whether it was rage, sadness, loneliness, something, but you didn't, absolutely nothing. Well, there was something: relief, and that feeling just incremented the guilt in your heart, your almost perfect boyfriend basically broke up with you?

The boyfriend everyone adored but you.

You reached for your jeans, pulling out your phone from one of the back pockets, unlocking it, 1:00 𝐀𝐌. Not late enough yet.

⠀⠀⠀

⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀els 💌

can u pick me up?

please ellie, hurry up

⠀⠀⠀

???

thought u were spending the night w ur lil bf

⠀⠀⠀

just come pls

⠀⠀⠀

is everything okay? im at a party at jesses place so gimme 15 mins

⠀⠀⠀

You chuckled at how ironic it was that the first person you talked to after Andrew's words was the apple of discord between you two, but you didn't do it with intention, she was your best friend, the closest friend you had. Your safe place.

Without wasting time you dressed up and made sure you had everything in your bag, wanting to avoid having to go back to his place at least for tonight.

The buzz in the back of your black jeans making you instinctively pulling it out, hoping it was the auburn haired girl who texted you, when you turned on your phone the first notification that popped out was a 'im at the corner' from Ellie, as an answer you just left her in read, hurrying up to grab your bag and throwing it at your back, heading towards the door of the room. Your body stopped for a second at the frame of the wooden door, analyzing what you would say once you step out of your now ex boyfriend's room.

Just say goodbye and go you breathed, collecting yourself before opening the door, encountering the small living room and kitchen and Andrew sitting at the end of the white sofa, his eyes directly facing you once he realizes your presence.

"I'm leaving," your voice obviously awkward just like your words and your thumb pointing the front door at your left.

"Oh, someone's picking you?" you just nodded, preferring avoid more confrontation by bringing up Ellie was the one waiting for you outside his block.

And after some more awkward exchange of words and stares you left his apartment finally, making you sigh, liberating the air you were containing in your lungs.

'take ur time, dw, i almost got stopped by the police bc i thought something serious happened🙄 just that' Ellie texted again, chuckling at her message you opened the glass door of the pretty expensive block of apartments, looking for your best friend's black car. Her distinctive shitty -which she always denied- car finally entering on your sight.

You make your way to it, opening first the door of the backseat to throw your bag and at the end entering the passenger seat, being welcomed and hugged by the soft smell of weed mixed with Ellie's cologne, a familiar smell that made you feel blanketed and safe.

"Hi," you softly mumbled, kinda escaping her obvious stare.

"Hi?" Ellie repeated you, feeling in her voice how one of her eyebrow was lifted "just hi?"

"What you mean?" as you rested your head in the window of the car you could felt Ellie's body leaning closer to yours, driving your heart to the palm of your hand.

"You tell me," her minty breath skimming your ear and cheek, " since 'm not the one who called at fucking 1 am," her hand reaching your chin, fingertips caressing the edges of your jaw. Abruptly her fingers clenched around it, shivers traveling through your whole spine as your heart started to pound loudly. So loud you were scared Ellie could hear it and if she did, she didn't give a shit about it. The delicious strength she had on your jaw incremented, not to the point it hurted but to force you to look back at her, herr emerald gaze contemplating your face, scrutinizing your features just like she was searching a hint of what happened.

Ellie's scent was making hard to keep your mind focused on her eyes and not in the strands of hair lost in the front of her face or how her mouth was softly opened, the oxygen entering to her body through it instead of her nose. And, oh God, her nose, sparkled with some freckles that travelled from her right cheek to the left one, making it seems like a small constellation was drawn all over her face, one that expanded softly to her shoulders and chest covered with a white wife beater and a sage green flannel with the sleeves rolled up, her sleeve tattoo in sight to curious eyes like yours.

"You really drive me crazy," Ellie purred with a smirk on her lips, her warm breath hitting your face. Actions like that, like whispering next to your lips or examining your face and figure with a grin, made your stomach tangle in knots and your head dizzy, "you always expect me to run under your skirt when you call my name," her voice getting lower as her grip on your chin started to soft.

Fingers leaving it to roam to your neck, stopping their way in a reddish mark Andrew left there, Ellie's eyebrows furrowing slightly at the thought of his mouth touching you, "and i always do, so you have a point," her body getting away from yours and leaving you almost cold by the absent of her touch, she readjusted herself in the pilot sit and she just lied there, resting her head in her palm, looking at you with her corners of her mouth upturned like she was waiting for you to say something back, like she didn't leave you breathless and intoxicated in her.

"So..." you turned to the front, evading her stare again.

"So are you goin' to tell me what happened or what, because i know you didn't call me because little mister perfect was being the best boyfriend," she chuckled a bit, glancing at her phone screen, "not like he was either way tho."

You tilted your head, curious at what she could meant with that sentence, Ellie brushed it off shrugging her shoulders and whispering a whatever you barely heard. Her hands reaching the car's key, the motor of it making a loud sound.

"Andrew broke up with me," you spoke fastly, almost without spaces between words. Ellie froze, the grip in the wheel softening as her eyes looked at you with open eyes in surprise.

"Andrew?" incredulously repeated, "Andrew Andrew? Like... the tall guy who's basically a himbo? Your boyfriend?"

"Oh my god, yes, Ellie, Andrew, my now ex-boyfriend... and he's not a himbo," eyebrows quirked as you spoke, your arm playfully hitting her shoulder making her chuckle and lick her bottom lip.

"Can't blame me, i wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't know where the clit is... actually, does he?" a big smirk on her mouth and eyes now centered to get out of the place she was parked to drive you home, or honestly drive you wherever you want. Ellie would deny it every time, but you had her how you wanted, you asked and she delivered. That made her feel like a loser lesbian but maybe she was for you.

You couldn't say something back because you weren't sure if he knew, he should know, he's all grown up and fucked more girls than you can count with your hands' fingers. But you weren't sure because Andrew never gave you head -because he said he didn't like it- or even fingered you, he was just into fucking you with his dick.

Ellie's smirk transformed into a sweet smile when she glanced at you for a moment when you kept your mouth shut, one of her hands leaving the wheel to rest it on your thigh, her thumb rubbing it with endearment as the rest of her hand got lost in the inner of your thigh, your mind starting to get dizzy once again.

"I'm just fuckin' with ya, want to talk about what happened, babe?" Ellie had the bad habit of using pet names when she was trying to be sweet and understanding, completely clueless at how 'pretty', 'babe', 'angel' coming from her mouth made your heart -and core- feel.

"It's just... i don't know," you scratched your head, Ellie's gaze on you again.

"What about you start telling me what happened because sorry, but mister perfect was really down bad for you," her eyes rolled at her final words. Ellie never said she hated Andrew, she didn't love him either and she made it obvious with her sarcastic jokes and faked gags whenever he was around you with his arms around your waist or hips but you never thought she hated him, just more that she found him annoying just like she found almost every guy except Jesse and Joel.

"He said i wasn't sure of my feelings for him," your eyes trailing to the front, trying to ignore her hand caressing your clothed thigh or how she examined you with her eyes every now and then, trying to disguise the fact she was the whole reason why you weren't sure of your feelings from your ex boyfriend.

"And you are?"

"I think i've never been sure of my feelings for him," your hands starting to get sweaty from your fear of talking to much and say things you shouldn't.

Ellie hummed, "and why you dated him? He was handsome and shit but dude didn't have much else-"

"Because i liked someone else... and she would never give a shit about me in that way so i guess i thought dating a popular pretty guy would change my feelings, i guess it didn't" your voice interrupted Ellie's, you weren't sure of what you wanted to reach driving the conversation to this topic, maybe just free your chest from this heavy feeling you had been hiding for almost the start of your friendship with Ellie.

No, you couldn't make yourself speak more, you couldn't drop a 'i liked you and i still like you, Ellie' from your mouth.

"You never know, maybe you should try to make a move," Ellie tried to sound lighthearted but she could swore her heart skipped a few beats at your words. Her mind starting roam through her thoughts: what if it's me. There's no fucking way it's me. She just sees you as a friend, Ellie. Don't be delusional, it's probably another girl.

"Maybe," a giggle escaped your lips, just if she knew you were talking about her, "let's not talk about my ex boyfriend more, distract my mind, miss Ellie Williams," your voice sounding playful and your brows wiggling. Ellie was a tease but you could be more and drove Ellie crazy, most of the times making her hard to play it cool.

"Sorry, i don't fuck with girls who just got out of relationships," her green orbs looking directly at you, taking advantage of the stop, "and i don't fuck them either," eyes again locked at the road, the car accelerating at green and your heart about to combust at her words, you hated how easily she would drop shit like that, like it was nothing.

"Whatever, your loss," you rolled your eyes as Ellie's brows quirked at your phrase without looking at your direction, an entertained smile drew all over her lips, "where are we goin'?"

"You choose, Miss Daisy, i can drive you home or we can get something to eat and chit chat in a empty parking lot until the sun rises. Personally 'm starving."

"Something's even open?" your choice already settled without the need of more words.

Ellie's proposal wasn't something you were a stranger of, actually, you couldn't count how many times you both ended up in deserted parking lots with junk food and just the company of each other, specially if one of you was down or just after some party. Feeling like a whole eternity since the last time happened and not because of Ellie's fault but yours, you never distanced from your best friend, you just marked some... distance to try to get your mind off of her but there you were once again, your heart in the palm of your hand and your eyes trailing back and forth from her slim figure.

"There has to be."

A shared precooked meal and joint with Ellie felt like it was what you needed so everything felt right again. Your mind hazy, more than you expected to be when the auburn haired girl offered it to you, probably because you were the one who smoked the most, Ellie almost rejecting every time you handed her the burned paper, maybe she wasn't the most responsible but she was conscious she had to drive you and herself back home.

"I'm gonna have to pay for it?" your chin pointed to the cigarette butt resting in the small, handmade ashtray she had in the car.

Ellie side eyed, first looking at you and later where your chin was pointing. A cheeky grin portrayed on her face, "do you? maybe i would consider a pretty girl discount," her voice cocky, she was playing with you like she always did, "of course you don't have to pay, i offered it to you."

"You're such a loser for the pretty girl discount anyway," your shoulders shrugged, your friend's eyebrows knitted making an expression of the fuck you mean with that which you ignored, "kinda offensive you just hinted you wouldn't do a pretty girl discount for me."

It was kinda funny for her you said she was a loser for the pretty girl discount because until not long ago she kinda was, not like she invited every girl she dealed to but her pretty girl discounts were more of a you're really pretty to pay for my weed instead of a i would fuck you so you don't need to pay, so she stopped when she realized some girls misinterpreted her actions and also because even though you were really pretty to pay for her weed she would also fuck you. Of course she wouldn't say that out loud.

"You're so dramatic, god," her words making you lift one of the corners of your mouth but you didn't answer, enjoying the few cars passing by and the soft night light of the city that was mixed with the yellowish streetlights and the cold light of the moon and stars, her raspy voice breaking the silence, "i guess we're both single again.... aaaand we're arriving too."

You hummed to her last words, your mind more centered about the 'we're both single' part. You totally forgot for a moment Ellie and Cat broke up not long ago as well, you didn't know the exact reasons since when you asked she just said it wasn't really working, that Cat was nice and shit but she wasn't really what Ellie wanted and her words really caught you by surprise. As her best friend you knew Ellie was more of a quality time and gifts type of girl, but when you hangout with them and some more friends a few times them both didn't know how to keep their hands to themselves. Fingers locked, sweet cheek kisses, whispers at each other's ear with giggles Intercalated and fast lovely stares from Ellie's side that sometimes traveled to you but she quickly looked away when your eyes interlocked with jewel like eyes, so of course it caught you by surprise when she told Cat wasn't what she wanted.

"I guess so," you spoke with your eyes glued go the streets outside the car's window, the small block of apartments you lived in entering in your sight and almost every parking space occupied, which made Ellie pant, there was nothing she hated most than searching for a place to park. In the middle of the night. At fucking 3 am, "looks like your ex moved on pretty quick tho."

It was true, even though you were never close to Cat you both had a gentle relationship of acquaintances so it was no weird you followed each other on Instagram, making it impossible to not see the story she posted last night. Cat's waist wrapped by some cute masc's arm, the face of the unknown girl rested in her shoulder as the asian showed to the camera some shot she was taking at a party with blinking neon lights that could make you go blind and some cute love song usually related to the wlw community, the story basically screaming there was something going on between Cat and that other girl.

The freckled girl next to you couldn't help but chuckle at your words, your commentary catching her by surprise as she devised a free spot where she could park.

"Yeah... it's whatever, so have i," she brushed it off, more concentrated on parking -since she was a really careful driver- than how your eyes were blazing at the sight of her.

Of how her hands had a tight grip of the wheel, or how she bites her bottom lip in frustration when she was trying to get the car in the right angle. Your pupils started to roam to sinful places, or at least places you shouldn't be looking like her thighs hugged by her skinny jeans or wondering what she could hide being her pants and her top, even asking yourself if she ever wore a strap outside of the room, completely ecstatic at the thought of her hiding a plastic cock behind those really tight jeans. Your were knees getting weak and your fists clenching as an attempt to calm whatever Ellie was waking up by just... existing?

And of course you couldn't keep your mouth shut, you didn't know how to, more when you were high.

"Proof?" the words slipping your lips faster than your brain had the time to analyze them, the reflex of slapping your hand to your mouth almost automatic but it was too late, Ellie already heard you and if only you could hear her heart beating fast and her mind in panic all the fear that soaked your body would disappear in an instant. Ellie's eyes widened, her chill and playful facade falling apart for a few seconds which she quickly recovered hoping you didn't realize her moment of weakness.

With a dangerous smirk Ellie turned to look at you, her slightly dilated pupils looking up and down at you, "proof?" her voice cooed, her body inclinated to your direction, you gave her an opportunity and she was gonna take it without doubt, "proof would ruin our friendship," her face close to your own more than ever, her right hand leaving the wheel to touch your chin just like she did hours before but this time it was different. Her touch was edging sinful, intoxicating, the growing tension making you swallow with difficult as your thighs pressed together, and she noticed it, she finally catch up the effect she had on you and your body; she always knew she did something to you but never really stopped to think about it until that moment.

Her mind running through all the possibilities able to happen, how your body gave her the hint she could take you to the backseat and eat your heated cunt in that moment, just the thought making her own pussy wet and needy, almost impossible for her to contain the action of cup it over her jeans.

"And we don't want our friendship ruined, right, pretty?" her voice so sweet, so sugar coated, the pads of her fingers leaving your chin once again, just like before. It's not what she wanted, she wanted to eat you in every way possible, thinking about how good her lips would feel against your glossy ones, she was craving for you like you were but she didn't want it to happen that way.

She was scared. She didn't know if you could regret once the heated was gone, if you maybe just wanted Andrew out of your head, she didn't want her heart broke and she wanted you completely conscious and right on your mind. Fuck, behind her cocky smile and confident eyes she was shitting her pants.

But you wouldn't let it go like that.

"Wait!" your hand reaching and grabbing her wrist, "what do you mean?" a flirtatious smile on your lips without you realizing.

You were really making the game difficult to Ellie, if you continued acting like that she was gonna throw everything away and just do it, just surrender to her lustful feelings. And she was about to do it.

"Are you playing dumb or do you want me to be straight forward?" she said in an undertone.

"I want you... to show it if you wanna make this a lil' more interesting," your head tilting slightly with a flirty manner. You made your mind, you won't retreat this time, you didn't know if it was your own confidence or the weed you consumed that gave you the strength to not be scared, or at least not terrified.

Despite the fact Ellie's heart was about to jump out of her chest she did a really good job hiding it with her slick grin growing bigger, sated at your curiosity, at your need and he was gonna reward it... kinda.

You saw her face suddenly getting closer to yours, one of her hands placing now in the side of your thigh almost on your hip, squeezing it, and the other resting in back of your seat, helping her to maintain balance. Her lips ghosting over your own, making you unconsciously close your eyes, awaiting for her chapped warm lips finally pressed against you.

The sight of you with eyes closed, looking almost like an angel, and your lips parted made Ellie even more aroused, you looked so pretty like that and it was something only her could see in that moment, only for her.

To your surprise your glossy lips never met the warm of Ellie's but your ear did, a low chuckle before she spoke slowly and patiently, with such a provocative tone, "if you're that desperate for proof i can show you tomorrow, sweet girl," her lips skimming your earlobe so close to kissing it, your only response was almost a whimper, you couldn't wait.

"But-"

"Tomorrow," her tone demanding this time, "now go, it's really late."

It was late and Ellie's cunt was so heated, her boxers a mess, that she needed you out of her car so she could take care of it just like you needed too.

⠀⠀⠀

Each other's fingers meeting your respective soaked cores, you thinking how full could Ellie make you feel and Ellie thinking how much she wanted to make you a mess of moans and whimper for her and her fingers, just the moon knowing your sinful actions.

[klapollo]

So I had no idea who Andrew Dobson is and I ended up doing a deep dive that totally wasn’t about procrastinating my essay and jfc that one person with a blog dedicated to him needs a life. But I’m really confused about the whole thing. Cause some of the stuff they were mentioning did seem like real dick moves on his side but then next thing they’re actually criticising him for being anti-trump and… like is he a bad guy for the way he acted towards women occasionally or is he a bad guy cause he hates a rampant misogynist???

basically people hate(d) him because he was a bit of a jagoff who was kinda high on his own supply back when deviantart was really big -- he was sizably popular there as Tom Preston, and there used to be a pretty big cottage industry of deviantart celebrity "lolcows" with any decently sized following. most of the first lolcows (i hate this term lol) i was cognizant of as a youth were from deviantart. most of these people were also basically harmless, just "cringe," which is also where i'd put dobson. he was pretty obstinate and didnt take criticism well, especially early on. that + his more liberal beliefs made him an easy target.

the thing is it spiraled way out of control, and it got to a point where he was at the center of a nonstop surveillance and harassment cycle. it was typical lolcow troll methods -- he would continue his existing work and it'd be instantly posted to the chans or whatever for mockery, or he'd start a new venture and it'd die in the womb due to this hate following. a few years ago he just stopped posting entirely, which honestly is not surprising. he was clearly very paranoid, depressed and suicidal, which i probably would have been in his situation, and most lolcows naturally end up being.

and the thing is like.......people are still obsessed with him. which is incredibly bizarre because he's gone and has been gone for years, but also because his offenses are incredibly banal. oh wow a nerdy webcomic artist who came up on the early internet is smug and opinionated, call the FBI. as with most lolcows i think dobson's life story would be significantly more mundane if not for the fact that a contingent of weirdos became obsessed with him. and as with most lolcows as well, they project fiercely -- insistent that HE'S the weird one when he logged off ages ago and they STILL talk about him (even here -- there's like two active andrew dobson stalker diaries i think lol)

i would say the most morally dubious thing he did was draw like, inflation art of some of the azumanga daioh characters once? which that could have been as long as 20+ years ago and idek how young he would have been then. and let's be real they dont care about morals they just hate him bc he's Cringe. call is coming from inside the house etc

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Every once in a while, I remember how funny it is that the Britcom stand-up streaming site NextUp has seven shows under its section called “Angry Acts”, and two of them are Michael Legge:

This sort of thing makes me want to watch/hear everything Michael Legge has ever done. Which I’ve not done, but I have heard those two NextUp specials, and they’re both excellent, up there with the best stand-up specials I’ve watched in the last couple of years. I cannot recommend them highly enough, if you happen to be the sort of person who will click on a category called “Angry Acts” because that’s likely to contain the sort of comedy you like.

The only other show on this list I’ve seen is Jen Brister’s Meaningless, which was also very good. I watched that one last year when I went on a binge watch of all the stand-up specials by queer women I could find, and that one was one of the best. I almost wrote “the best”, but I don’t think it quite beats Desiree Burch’s Unfuckable. Is it problematic to pit all the stand-up specials by queer women against each other so I can rank them? Probably. So forget I did that, they’re all good and worth watching. I mean, okay, not literally every stand-up special ever made by a queer woman is great. But the Jen Brister and Desiree Burch ones both are.

The other shows in that screenshot – the Jonathan Pie one has a premise that looked so interesting that I almost watched it, until I looked it up and saw Andrew Doyle of GB News was involved in it. So fuck that. I think I can’t watch a stand-up show by Bobby Mair, because he has to remain just “Harriet Kemsley’s husband” in my mind. That’s the feminist thing to do, right? Make sure there are at least a couple of male comedians whom I only know for being married to more successful female comedians, to make up for all the female comedians who’ve had to put up with being defined by their male comedian husbands. Bobby Mair and Gary Delaney, taking one for the team that way.

Anyway, I get my first proper pay cheque from my new job next week, and as soon as I have that, I’m going to buy Michael Legge’s audiobook off Bandcamp. I don’t know exactly what to expect from it, but I have found the description:

Michael Legge is a stand-up comedian and this collection of his writing from 2008 to 2020 is his way of apologising for inventing online anger and wrecking all our lives. Stories of romance, success and bravery are not included. Instead of writing about how fun and exciting the life of a comedian is, he decided to tell the truth. Join Michael as he tries hard to control his fury at absolutely everything in this selection of 15 of his favourite arguments (but probably not yours) from his archive, plus the brand-new short story Mister Err Gets Blocked.

And the Bandcamp descrption:

Hey, dicks! This is the audiobook version of Strawberries To Pigs. It might be the loudest audiobook ever recorded. And that includes My Megaphone Collection by Brian Blessed and I've Hurt My Knee by Robin Ince.

So I actually have a while before I need to pick a new long-running audio thing to get into. Because whatever turns out to be in that audiobook, I need to listen to it before I start anything else. His stand-up specials left me consistently impressed by the way he managed to not stop shouting for the entire hour or more; I kept expecting him to run out of steam and have to calm down for at least a little while, but he never did. I cannot wait to hear him keep up the shouting for the length of an entire audiobook.

[thegravityblog]

Tuesday: Therapy, Meeting a beautiful woman.

Another banger day. It was session 3 today, we discussed about my well-being and things that are needed to be changed, self-care and being unbothered by things that used to bother me once. I left trying to be concerned about someone who simply just doesn’t deserve it. My values and principles are different. You cannot and shouldn’t be concerned for a monkey who’s not your level. Pre-requisites are really very important. The last thing I would ever do now is to be with a woman who doesn’t have any class, character, integrity and moral values. You cannot form anything meaningful who can even become a pornstar, just for money and validation. So hungry for validation that now, being nude to the world can feed that validation. That woman is broken, I tried a lot but in the quest of caring for that monkey, I almost lost myself. Lesson leaned. Moved on. Nothing to do with such a person, she’s like fuck me, but favor me. That’s not my type. I won’t even consider fucking her, Idk what STD she is carrying around. Lol. Okay, I am not gonna contaminate my blog mentioning her, she don’t deserve even a mention. So let’s just stop here. Had Sphagetti bolognaise (chicken) and Iced Mocha Latte. Loved it, CBTL was my go to when I used to visit New Delhi, after Starbucks.  Then as an activity to make someone’s day happy and better, we went to sector 35, bought a couple of white and yellow roses and went to sector 17 where I had to buy the book by Peter Lynch - Beating the Market. There I saw a lovely lady, enjoying her ice-cream under a tree, I went to her like a gentleman, and gave her the roses. At first she was awestruck, and said “Is this a prank?” I assured her no, it isn’t and then she insisted me to sit and we spoke about each other. She introduced herself, and I myself. She said “What makes you making my day great, as an entrepreneur?, Why are you doing it?”, and I told her its just a gesture that I made someone happy. She was definitely happy. She is a professor, lecturer at JNU, Delhi. After a 10 min convo, I left, she didn’t want me to leave, idk why but I had to. I wasn’t looking for a connection, but just making her smile. Beautiful moment. She smiled huge and when I got up, I said “Please look around, there’s no camera around”. We both laughed and I left.  Drove back home, and now I am listening to the Valuetainment’s latest podcast episode with Andrew Tate and working alongside. Had a blast, today. Happy! So fucking happy! Next milestone after absolute healing is dating someone of my level. It sounds harsh, but that’s the reality of the world. I used to date people from a lower socio-economic background, but I had horrible experiences. They are all for money and especially chicks who are insecure inside, and need cocks from everyone around them. Just favor them. I have built a level of resilience where I see her hanging on to a guy, and I am like, what sort of a person is this? :D Anyone. Like literally anyone, just enable her and give her the approval. It has stopped affecting me completely. Thank god, the dirt got out herself. Now, I know, I’ll be with someone who respects themselves first, because these daddy issue chicks will be always broken and insecure. You can’t help them. So, finding someone who knows their shit, has it together and has a class. The right one! Not someone who will suck any dick, to compensate for their inner trauma’s. I am strong enough and I have proved that to myself by not just sleeping with any class less pussy. Found myself out of this experience and there’s no point in desiring someone who can’t even offer you the bare minimum. That’s all! 

[asp1990]

Day 17: Saturday July 9th – Monday July 11th, 2022 [FINAL DAYS]

Breakfast: Coffee and toast / pizza pocket / cinnamon scroll Lunch: Margarita pizza and mimosas / chicken baguette Dinner: Cheesy chicken with potatoes and veg / lamb with potatoes and spicy veg

Steps: 12, 480

Andrew had booked an apartment close to the airport so wasn’t at our apartment for the last night. Amara had an early flight, so she left at 6am while Tim and I were still asleep. We’d settled up our Splitwise spending the night before and it was lovely to get $300 AUD back from Amara and $143 AUD back from Andrew for joining our accom. What a delight! I’d done most of my packing the night before, so had a long shower, 2 slices of toast and then it was 10am and time to checkout.

With luggage to drag behind us, there wasn’t much we could do, so we just walked to the nearest cafe and had a coffee. I called Dad while Tim played on his phone and then Jane joined us. While Jane had a coffee, Tim went off to try the last thing on his to do list - fermented shark. He ended up going back to the Dick Museum as we had seen it on the menu at the museum cafe but not many other places. When he came back he was chewing gum and said that fermented shark tasted like shit. He was glad to have tried it though.

We had 3 Airbus tickets booked for 12pm so waited at the bus stop at 11:50am. Hoards of people followed us, but they were getting on a day tour. At 12:15pm, our bus still hadn’t arrived and we were contemplating getting a taxi. The shuttle arrived at 12:25pm and we thought that was our ride to the airport, but instead it was a 3 minute drive to the bus depot where we got on a charter bus. The drive was 45 minutes and Tim slept most of the way. I deleted some of the seconds from my travel video and looked out the window.

When we arrived, the luggage check in was an absolute circus. We followed the TV list and then got sent back to whence we came. We lined up for 45 minutes in self-check in after printing luggage tags then cruised through security in 3 minutes. Jane then went to the business class lounge (lucky) while Tim and I sat at a restaurant and shared a pizza and mimosas.

We walked 20 minutes to the terminal and were still in line to get a bus to the plane at 4:07pm when our flight was meant to depart at 4:10pm. We waited another 15 minutes, then got on the bus and waited another 5 minutes for it to leave. We were lucky to have exit row seats on the flight and the seat next to me was empty. Two wins! I felt so drowsy on take off that I had a wee nap. I then spent the rest of the flight watching The Circle on my iPad.

We arrived at Heathrow at 8:45pm and were first off the flight. We had to walk through all of terminal 2 to go up an escalator then down another escalator so that we could get a 15 minute transfer bus to terminal 4. Hooley Dooley. There was a woman on our flight who was rushing to get her connecting flight to Israel and she ran to the security check where we arrived 5 mins later. We cruised through security and got to our gate to find out that our flight had been delayed by half an hour. We had nothing to do but sit down and wait.

We boarded at 10:30pm and when we scanned our boarding passes the machine flashed red. Our luggage wasn’t registered as being on the flight. The woman checked our luggage receipt and updated our details in hopes that they would be popped on board before take off. Once on the plane, we had a spare seat next to us again and a 1hr waiting time on the tarmac. Amara messaged us to say that she’d made it to Spain, but that Heathrow had lost her luggage. Zac messaged and said that he was stuck in London until the next flight to Melbourne on the 11th. What an absolute circus. I had cheesy chicken with potatoes and veggies for dinner and watched Turning Red. After that, I tried my best to sleep while we had such a luxurious amount of space.

Our transfer at Abu Dhabi was relatively painless - we got off the plane and onto the final one within 30 minutes. I checked on our bags and we were told that they were on the plane, which was a relief - I hoped it was true! We were seated in the back half of the plane where there was less leg room and way more children. One of them cracked it before we’d even taxi’d out which felt like an omen for the 12 hour flight. I surprisingly slept about 6-7 hours on the flight. I watched Moana & Encanto while eating. The meals were average, but the cinnamon scroll we got for breakfast before landing was delish.

We cruised through customs and duty free and had to wait about 30 mins for our luggage. It didn’t come out. The rest of our flight slowly cleared and we were left without our stuff. We went over to the service desk, reported our luggage missing (luckily we had taken photos of them) and were then told to wait 24 hours then call to follow up.

Then it was Uber to Tim’s, drove myself home and waited for Morgi to get home from Perth.

What a trip! Until next time X

[aliceblisss]

Hey there, Can you write for Andrew! Peter Parker x reader smut?

The reader and Peter are in relationship....

One day she wakes up early in the morning and workouts by wearing a sport bra and tight black leggings....

Peter notices that she's not in the bed with him, he looks for her... He notices her working out....He joins the reader for the workout, they do their couple workout....

While reader doing pushups and Peter lying down, every time she do pushups Peter kisses her and eventually Peter pulls close to her and observe her sweaty look, sexy outfit.....

He can't control himself and have a steamy make out and leads to steamy sex....

You like the idea ?

OMG I LOVE!! Tysm for your request! I hope you like it! This will be a Peter pov bc why not?

A/N: this one sort of escalated quickly hehe

CW: soft dom/switch!peter, fingering, oral (f & m receiving), face sitting, spanking, hair pulling, teasing, unprotected sex, cream pie, manhandling, pet names: baby, princess, big boy, overall very horny Peter

——————————————————————————

Peter’s POV

I was awoken by an annoying little sun beam coming through the blinds hitting me right in the eyes. Once I’ve regained consciousness I automatically go to grab y/n and pull her closer like I do every morning but I don’t feel her.

I open my eyes, slightly startled by her absence. But i quickly notice her on the other side of the room doing her workout. I look over at the clock on the nightstand; I overslept.

She’s not wearing sweats like she usually does when she works out. Instead she’s wearing a light blue sports bra and some tight black leggings. Suddenly I feel the urge to work out.

“Good morning” I say, my voice still being groggy.

She smiles at me, “Morning sleepy head”

I get up and stretch the sleep away. I look over at her again and she’s doing squats. Lord have mercy. I’m already hard, I have to get it together.

“Can I join?” I ask.

“Sure! Brush your teeth first though” she replies.

I go into the bathroom to brush my teeth and splash cold water on my face. I whisper-yell at my dick, “You gotta calm down!” and walk out.

I change from my pajamas into my short workout shorts. I can’t be the only one who’s suffering. I walk over to her and she stops what she’s doing to look me up and down with a smile.

“I thought you retired those because they shrunk and got too short” she says with a light blush on her cheeks.

“Well yeah I wouldn’t go to the gym in these. But you get the privilege of seeing me this scandalous” I grab her by the waist and pull her closer to kiss her.

She hums and giggles into my lips, “Lucky me”.

We keep kissing and I start to grow impatient; I slide my hands down to grab her ass. She giggles again, pulling off my hands. “Hey hey I’m not done with my workout”.

“I’ll give you a better workout” I reply.

“You can workout with me, the real workout” she lightly pushes me away and picks up her weights.

I sigh, “Okay, we’ll see if you can resist my hot body” I jokingly rubbed my hands up and down my torso which made her laugh.

After about fifteen minutes we’re both sweaty and breathing heavy. What I don’t get is why we’re sweaty and heavy breathing and not fucking.

I notice she’s starting on push ups and I quickly stop her to get on the floor under her and do the thing we’ve always done. “No push-ups without kisses”.

She giggles as she positions herself above me; I probably look like an idiot staring and her boobs that are peeking through the top of her sports bra.

“Eyes up here big boy” she teases. I smile, looking at her eyes, and then her lips.

She lowers herself down and pecks me on the lips and counts, “One”. Then she repeats the process a few times. With each push up I get greedier; I make the kisses longer, I keep my hands on her body. Until on the last one, when she lowers herself I pull her completely down and wrap my arms around her as I kiss her.

By the little moan she let out I can tell she couldn’t in fact, resist my hot body.

She repositions herself to straddle my lap and begins to grind softly; it slowly drives me crazy. My hands are on her ass while her hands are in my hair, tugging.

“Oh fuck” I let out.

She smiles into my mouth; I know how much she loves to hear me moan. She grinds a bit harder. I quickly sit us up and try to get her sports bra off; emphasis on try.

We both laugh and she says, “Need a little help?”

“Yeah what the fuck is up with this thing?” we laugh again until we finally get it off and I see heaven for a second when her sweaty tits plop down.

I bury my face in them and start to kiss, lick, and bite while sweet little moans escape her lips. They get louder when I take a nipple in my mouth and she continues to grind on me fervently.

“Oh, Pete” she moans and I hum against her breasts, “Mhm?”. She’s starting to pull my shorts off, “I need it”.

I smile devilishly, “You’re so greedy”.

I lay her down on the floor to take off her leggings, but I start to rub her clothed clit before doing so. She moans lewdly and writhes under me, buckling her hips into my hand. Seeing how desperate she becomes for my touch gives me an indescribable high.

She looks so beautiful, chest heaving, rising and falling, her hips thrusting into my hand hungrily, her cheeks and lips bright pink, her face contorted in pleasure. I can’t help it anymore, I have to please her.

So I pull down her leggings along with her underwear and spread her legs wide open, as I gaze at the sight before me. I slip my fingers through her slit and chuckle, “You’re soaked baby”.

She moans, “Uh huh, for you. All for you”.

I pull her up with a groan and kiss her hungrily, holding her tight, feeling skin on skin, my sweat mixed with hers. And then I turn her around and lay down.

“Your ass. My face. Now” I say in between breathes and she happily obliges. She backs up and wiggles her ass in my face. I give each cheek a slap and she yelps and then moans when I gently rub on the areas to alleviate the pain.

I then lick a stripe up her folds, earning me another moan. With each lick her moans get louder and grittier. They turn into groans; she’s getting desperate again.

“Peter please! Stop teasing me”

I insert one finger and curl, “You sure that’s what you want princess?”

She groans again, “Yes!”

I insert a second finger, “Are you really sure? Because I think you like it when I tease you” but she can’t respond because next thing I know she’s taken my cock into her mouth and started to suck.

I jolt up, “Oh god y/n”. She feels so good on my cock, fuck it I’m done playing games.

I start to eat her out like I’m starved. Licking and sucking on her clit like there’s no tomorrow. She picks up the speed on her end as well, at this point we’re both moaning into each other and it’s euphoric.

“Y/n stop I’m gonna cum” I exclaim but she doesn’t stop. So I grab her arms, put them behind her and pull her up and hold her so she can’t move and is fully sitting on my face. She stopped sucking but I haven’t.

“Oh fuck Peter!” she yells out as I know she’s nearing her orgasm. Meanwhile I’m in pure bliss being submerged in her ass and pussy; despite struggling to breathe.

But in just 5 more seconds she’s cumming all over my face, whimpering and whining, shaking and convulsing. She falls forward and I take the opportunity to get behind her and prop her up in her knees. I slowly insert myself inside her.

We both moan in unison, “Fuck baby, you feel so good”. I start off slowly and gently so she can get adjusted but she groans out, “Harder!”

“You sure baby?” I ask genuinely concerned this time.

“Yes! Please, fuck me hard” she whined and that was all I needed. I took her ponytail and pulled her up, arching her back and began to thrust faster and harder.

I’m sure our neighbors could hear the sweaty skin slapping and pornographic moaning but in that moment I didn’t care. Her walls are fluttering around my cock and all I can do is throw my head back and be overcome by ecstasy.

“Pe-ter I’m go-nna cum” her voice falters with each thrust.

“Me too baby, wait for me okay?”

I get a tighter grip on both sides of her hips and give a few more final thrusts before saying “Cum baby, cum” and we both cum together with a loud “Ah!”.

I rub her back as she comes down from her shaking. I then run over to the bathroom and get a warm, wet paper towel to clean her up as she lays on her back on top of her exercise mat. I don’t do it immediately as I like to appreciate the sight of my cum dripping out of her pussy.

She sighed, “Yeah, I think this workout is better”

I lay down next to her, “Yeah I fucked you so hard I think you have abs now”.

She cackles and I join her.

“And this workout will definitely leave you more sore” I add.

“Okay now it’s getting to your head bug boy” she chuckles.

I roll over to her and hold her chin up, “Says the one who was just screaming my name begging to be fucked harder” I say with a smirk but her smile is gone.

She just says, “Round two?” knowing that at the end of the day I am still at her mercy.

[wanda-maximoff-enthusiast]

~Loser~

Young!Sirius Black x gn!reader

Summary: Sirius loves to tease and mock you, thinking it was all fun and games. But what happens when he takes it too far, and has to try and repair the damage he has done?

Warnings: OH BOY, angst angst angst, sad reader, few swear words, Sirius being a dick. (ALSO THERE'S AN ANDREW GARFIELD REFERENCE IN THIS. ENJOY.)

A/N: Reader's house hasn't been mentioned fully, but I do mention them being quite smart and into reading. However, that doesn't automatically make them a Ravenclaw ;)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sirius Black was a name you were certainly familiar with, but one you were barely fond of.

Any mention of the dark-eyed beauty left girls all around you swooning and crying foolish comments like, 'Oh Sirius, I've loved him for so long!' and 'I wish he would love me!', it made you want to gag.

Ever since you first started at Hogwarts, Sirius had been nothing but rude to you, making little comments about your hair, your face, your love of reading, anything he could he would mock you about.

That all started in the 1st Year. Now it was the 5th, and you were starting to get tired.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The day had started off rather nicely, you had done quite well in your Charms class and didn't make a complete fool of yourself in your Quidditch class.

You were currently on your way to Potions, enjoying a thorough conversation with Lily Evans, when James Potter's gang walked past you both. Sirius just so happened to shove into you, making you stumble and almost drop your books.

"Watch where you're going, loser." He called out, making his friends snicker.

Lily frowned as you tried to hide your tearful eyes. "Leave them alone, Sirius!" She yelled at him, fixing your hair and wrapping an arm around your shoulders.

Once they were gone, she leant over and whispered in your ear. "Don't listen to him, (Y/N)," she said, rubbing your arm in a comforting fashion, "He's just delusional." You nodded, leaning into Lily a bit more.

You exhaled deeply and plastered a fake smile onto your face before walking into Potions and sitting behind your cauldron.

'Everything is fine,' you tried to tell yourself, but nothing could heal the aching in your heart from Sirius' words.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Potions went by rather quickly, and it was nearly the end of the day. 'Thank Merlin,' you thought to yourself, wanting nothing more than to return to your dorm and get some much-needed sleep.

You only had one more class, Herbology, which seemed absolutely wonderful at the time. You excelled in Herbology, your teacher Herbert Beery considering you the best in his class.

But, alas, the moment you walked into the classroom, your grin faltered and your heart sunk to your stomach.

Of course they had to be in your class, of course they did.

James, Remus and Peter sat next to each other in a row, opposite to where you and Marlene McKinnon sat, and Sirius was sitting on the table, yelling in a dramatic voice about something irrelevant.

You took a nice deep breath before taking your seat next to Marlene, who offered you a sympathetic smile.

Sirius noticed you almost immediately, hopping off the table and muttering something in James' ear, making them both laugh out loud. You only heard one word. 'Loser'.

He looked like he was about to make a rude comment towards you, but was stopped by Professor Beery walking in.

"Alright everyone, can anybody tell me what abilities you may possess if you eat gillyweed?"

Come on, this was easy.

Your hand shot up in the air and you were immediately asked for the answer.

"If gillyweed is eaten, the consumer will possess fish-like abilities. For example, being able to swim very well and breathing underwater."

You heard small fits of laughter from the group opposite you, but you tried not to pay them any attention.

"That is correct, well done Mx (L/N)."

"Yeah, well done Mx (L/N)" You heard Sirius mocking the professor's comment, to which Peter began laughing.

Mr Beery payed no attention to him, instead moving on by placing small samples of the magical seaweed in front of everybody.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Despite how much you enjoyed Herbology, that class was horrendous.

Throughout the entire lesson, Sirius and his merry little crew would not stop picking on you! Constant teases and comments about how you were a teacher's pet, a nerd, how you apparently think you're smarter than everybody else.

Safe to say, the moment Herbology was over, you grabbed your bags and ran out of the door, Marlene and Alice close behind you.

Your pace slowed when you thought you were finally away from Sirius, but his loud voice caught your attention and made you flinch.

"Hey! (L/N)! I'm not done with you yet!"

You refused to turn around to look him in the eye, your grip tightening on Marlene's wrist as if to stop her from rugby-tackling him.

"Have I ever told you about how annoying you are? Like, your voice makes my ears hurt and you talk so much!"

Tears began building up in your eyes, your cheeks flushing and your head aching.

"You're nothing but a useless brat, you hear me, loser?"

The hallway fell silent as you finally turned to face him, tears falling freely.

"What did I ever do to you, Sirius?" You asked, your voice lower than a whisper.

"I have been nothing but good to you ever since you came to Hogwarts, and this is how you repay me? By making my life a living hell?"

He tried to speak, but you cut him off before he could say anything. You were tired, you were miserable, you were angry, and Sirius was not going to get away with it anymore.

"I don't know who you think you are, running around and harassing somebody who wants nothing to do with you, but I do know one thing. You are a horrible person, Sirius Black, and you need to learn where you stand."

The tension in the air was so thick you could have grabbed it if you reached your hand out.

"I am not putting up with you anymore, so I suggest you either find someone else to bully, or grow the fuck up you pretentious douchebag!"

You yelled the last bit, sobbing in frustration and full of utter misery.

And with that final word, you turned on your heel and ran all the way back to your dorm, crying in pain. Alice immediately chased after you, pulling you into a warm hug at the end of the corridor, Marlene making her way to the kitchens to get some tea and biscuits.

Lily Evans, having heard the commotion, shoved past the crowd and glared at Sirius, his dark eyes… watery? "Well done, Black, are you happy now?" She too fled in your direction, red hair flying wildly behind her.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sirius didn't know how to feel.

Except, he knew exactly how he felt; guilty, angry, stupid.

This was all his fault, what started out as some friendly banter had morphed into unadulterated harassment. And now, nobody could get you out of your dorm. Because of him. Rumours were going around that you spent all of your time sobbing. Because of him. Your friends all in misery without your presence. Because of him.

He had to make it right between the two of you, he had to! But with your heart in pieces and his in denial, he had no idea how to do such a thing.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

ayo if this does well I'll make this into a series

(on a serious note, please don't bully people! no matter what you may think, it isn't cool, it's just cruel. be nice to people pls <3)

[dreaminpetals]

Uhh um uhh sfw and nsfw headcanons of a maid s/o who became attached to Andrew? 👉👈 thank you for carrying the idv x reader tag you absolute legend

🧺 andrew with a maid s/o

art credit

SFW ;;

♡ the new survivor, the maid, had captured the attention of nearly everybody in the manor for how selfless and hardworking they were.

♡ your role in battle was to aid anybody who requested assistance by ringing a bell. whether it was someone to open the gate or rescue, the maid can appear out of thin air to help in a pinch if they're summoned.

♡ this seeps into how you behave outside of matches. you're an excellent listener and eager to solve the problems of anybody who needs help, whether they ask for any or not.

♡ although the entire manor has their eyes on you, there's one person you want to get to know better more than the others. that would be the gravekeeper, andrew kreiss.

♡ no matter how wounded he was, andrew would never request your experienced hands. even the more reserved survivors would ask for help with menial tasks, but even when risking hospitalization andrew wouldn't want to bother you.

♡ your interactions with him started small. handing him an umbrella on a sunny day, noticing he missed breakfast and bringing him some croissants.

♡ he doesn't like it one bit.

♡ andrew surmised you were only giving him the special treatment out of pity. he notices you giving him extra food? clearly it's because you think monsters have two stomachs rather than one.

♡ you never falter though. no matter how many times andrew pushes you away, you're only filled with more nerve to help him out. also... you have a crush on him.

♡ the most stressful moment of your life was when you were still only friends and you introduced him to sunscreen. you applied it on his face and neck and could feel how hot he was under your fingertips.

♡ being so close to andrew made your cheeks aflame as well, and you prayed that he didn't notice the bead of sweat trickling from your forehead. he was just so handsome and he was trusting you to apply a foreign substance to his face to help with his condition. your heart couldn't take it.

♡ little did you know, andrew was thinking the same thing. he found your furrowed brows adorable and he was grateful that you were helping him, even if it was out of pity. he was so glad someone was there, intentions be damned.

♡ he stopped suspecting you when you kissed a wound on his hand better and pulled him into a tender embrace when he was cold. it took nights of pondering for him to accept that the maid, one of the most attractive and magnetic survivors, liked him for who he was. with the exception of his late mother, nobody had ever cared for him with such love before.

♡ when you finally start dating, you can't stop clinging to him. he towers over you. it's rare for you to be seen not attached to his arm, you're like a koala.

♡ once he's completely certain that your attachment is out of genuine love, he welcomes your help with open arms. he yearns to be understood and nurtured, so someone who can always listen to him and hold him in their arms is a godsend.

♡ andrew is always encouraging you to take breaks and look out for yourself once in a while. he might surprise you with breakfast in bed and a day off if he notices you've been pushing yourself too hard lately.

♡ he admires the help you give everyone else, but he'd be a liar if he denied that he felt jealous sometimes. when you offer people room service he doesn't like your warmth leaving the bed to deliver some tea across the manor. he wishes he could be selfish and cuddle you forever.

♡ when andrew is hurt he loves to be babied. coddle him, feed him, help prepare his medicine. sometimes he feels like he doesn't deserve rest, but he agrees with anything you say, so if you tell him to relax then he's napping on your shoulder.

♡ your attachment to him sends butterflies to his chest. he still can't fathom that you want to be around him as much as he wants to be around you.

♡ when you look up at him with your innocent, loving eyes, he asks you to pinch him in case he's dreaming. life before the maid came to the manor was bleak for andrew but now he has a new reason to keep waking up every morning, his lovely partner and their desire to make everyone's lives better.

NSFW ;;

♡ your dress. he's addicted to your dress.

♡ how it feels to hike the fabric up your thighs is a feeling he'll never grow old of. when it pools right above your stomach and his eyes meet your lacy undergarments he gulps.

♡ the laces and frills are nothing short of intoxicating. he's pumped himself plenty of times to the thought of you slowly removing the dress for him.

♡ he asks you to keep it on for as long as possible. at first you think it's because of modesty and andrew being a gentleman, but really it's because he feels an uncontrollable lust at the sight of you spreading your legs and the fabric revealing more & more.

♡ bonus points if your outfit comes with thigh highs, when you peel them off or he hooks his fingers under them to stroke your warm skin andrew is in paradise.

♡ your role as a maid seeps into your sex life, eager to be ordered around by your partner and give them everything they ask for.

♡ poor andrew can't bring himself to vocalize what he wants.

♡ your dress splayed over his thighs, you ask what he wants and he turns scarlet. the gravekeeper can't say unholy words like dick so all he can do is motion down to the painful bulge in his pants and whimper.

♡ "andrew, i can't help you unless i know what you want!" you chirp with a mischievous grin as he trembles under you. you'd think he was stuck in a blizzard from how intense his shivering was.

♡ "i, hn... inside you," is all he can muster.

♡ when the bows adorning your hair graze against his thighs as you suck him off he'll cry from the featherlight contact.

♡ start off palming his boxers at an agonizingly slow pace to see him come undone. make him beg for you to strip him down and stroke him until he can't take it anymore. he wants to cum so badly but knows he needs your permission first, and he can't ask.

♡ his hands meet his face to hide his raging blush and the drool that spills from his lips every time.

♡ i've touched on this before but andrew loves bath sex. when you're surrounded by pink bubbles and your bodies are connected as one through the warm water, he longs for it.

♡ plenty of times you've bathed andrew and it's lead to you grinding down on his lap, the gravekeeper enamoured by your foamy chest and your forgotten maid dress strewn over the side of the tub.

♡ if he's feeling ambitious, he might ask for you to join him in the bath with your dress still on so he can see it cling to your soaked skin.

♡ the splashes that match his thrusts invoke a downright sinful reaction in andrew. something about the wet slaps of his hips plunging into yours make him want to kiss you deeper and never pull out.

♡ if you call him master kreiss or sir or mister he's cumming, one hundred percent.

♡ when he bends you over his lap and fingers you as a reward for all the hard work you do for others, begging for your master to go deeper and faster sends a blush all the way to his ears.

♡ it's so easy to get him to cum with just your words or a twirl of your dress. he has no clue how to control it, it's like you put a spell on him.

[leossmoonn]

Unexpected Love [Kai Parker] || Part Two

masterlist | part one

pairing - kai parker x fem, human!reader

type - fluff, angst

note - read the first part, this cannot be read as a standalone! if you have read the first part then welcome back, thank you for reading the second part. so this part will be more focused on kai and the readers relationship and definitely all fiction lol (aka no actual scenes from the show) :) and part 3 is at the end!

summary - you and kai fall in love over a period of time after spending time with each other in the prison world

warnings / includes - language, alcohol, crying, fighting, mention/thinking of suicide, family trauma, lot of flirting in this one, suggestive, f/f = favorite flavour (of ice cream) lol

————

*gif isn't mine* (ugh hes so fine im dying)

I sat up straight and gasped, my eyes flying right open. I looked around frantically, sharp pain shooting right through my chest. 

“Ow,” I whined, pressing my hand gently to my side. 

“Oh, yeah. The first time you die here, it’ll hurt. I bet it’s not any different from what that ring does for you, though,” Kai’s voice ringed next to me. 

My head snapped to him, memories of what he did to me flooding back. 

“Get away from me!” I shouted, getting up out of the bed I was in. 

“I did you a favour, Y/n. You should thank me!” He exclaimed. 

“What favour! You robbed me of my only chance of getting home. Now we have no magic and the ascendent is broken!” 

“Stop shouting. Ugh, you’re giving me a headache,” he whined. 

I gave him a death glare. “You’re the one with the headache. You’re the one- I just… I’m going for a walk.”

I stomped out of the room, running down the stairs. I heard Kai’s footsteps from behind me. I walked as fast as I could without feeling any pain. Kai seemed to be full on sprinting, though, because he grabbed my wrist. 

“Let me go!” I exclaimed. “Please, Y/n. I’m sorry,” Kai pleaded.

I jerked my body away from him. “Shove it, Malachai. If you want me to forgive you, then you better leave me alone right now.”

He looked at me with wide, fearful eyes. I didn’t wait for him to say anything. I turned on my heel and made my way out of the house and back to the woods. I stomped the whole way there, my hands balled in tight fists. My fingernails dug into my skin as tears stained my cheeks. I just could not believe Kai. I knew he was a sociopath and a dick, but I didn’t think he would try to rob me of my chance at happiness. It was stupid how I thought he would even think about someone else and not himself. Sometimes he made it seem like he did care, though. It also seemed as my attraction to him from the first time we met was still there. I needed to get rid of it. I needed to find a way to get out here. Without Kai. 

I stopped walking as I realised I was deep in the woods. The cool breeze flew around me, calming me down. I closed my eyes and breathed out the air that I had been holding in. I opened my eyes to stare at the sky. It was a cloudless afternoon with bright sunshine. It was always like this. For the past few months this was all I had seen. I was more than sick of it. I wanted rain. Snow. Hail. Anything else but the sunshine for once. 

I released my hands from their fists, reaching my right hand up to my side where Bonnie’s jacket still was. I let out a strangled, but happy sound. I unwrapped it from my body, seeing that it had a huge red blood spot that was mine. I ignored it and held it up to my face, hugging it closely to my chest. 

“I’m getting out of here. I’m going home,” I promised to myself. 

I stayed in the woods until the sun started to set. I spent my time walking around some more, making up a plan. I knew how the ascendent looked before it was broken, and I was sure that Bonnie’s grimoire, that was thankfully still here, had a diagram of some sort, too. I could just build it back up. I took a shop class in high school and used to build cars with my dad, so I was quite the mechanic. Getting it to work without magic was the hard part, though. I needed a Bennett witch to access the spell. I knew Kai still had some of Bonnie’s magic in him, but I couldn’t risk telling him the plan and having it work, only for him to leave me here again. Plus, it’s not like having him use Bonnie’s magic would actually work. He wasn't actually a Bennett. He just happened to have her magic in him. 

I opened the door and stepped into the Salvatore house, looking around for Kai. I smiled, relieved that I couldn’t spot him anywhere. I shut the door behind me, kicking off my shoes and going to the liquor cabinet, popping off the top of a bottle of whiskey. I didn’t bother with a cup, I just downed it straight. The liquor burned my throat as I strutted to the kitchen, going over to the CD player and putting on Toni Braxton’s ‘Another Sad Love Song’.  

I danced around and got out the ingredients for a strawberry cake. As Toni’s song came to an end, I heard the front door open. I groaned loudly, my mood dropping immediately. I left the kitchen to see what Kai was up to. I laughed incredulously as I saw him carrying multiple duffle bags and a backpack. 

“Are you seriously moving in?” I asked. 

“Yep,” he nodded. “What part of ‘leave me alone’ do you not understand? Do I need to spell it out for you so it can get through your thick skull?” I snapped, taking ahold of his arm and dragging him back to the front door. 

“I understand!” He exclaimed. “Good. Then you’ll get out,” I sneered, pushing him out the door. I went to shut it, but his arm held the door open.

“I will smash your hand in this door,” I threatened.

“Yeah, I know, but hear me out. I can help you get back,” Kai said. 

I scoffed, “I don’t want nor need your help. Get out.” I pushed the door further in his face. He dropped his bags and used both hands to keep it open. 

“I know you don’t trust me and you have no reason to, but please. I still have Bonnie’s magic in me and I can fix the ascendent with her magic,” he begged. He pouted and put on his puppy dog face.

“No,” I said without any hesitation. “You get out of my life, okay? If I ever see you, hear you, or even smell you, you’re dead, okay?”

His eyes then filled with anger and frustration. “Fine!” He exclaimed. “You know, I only even wanted to help you because I want to get out of here. We both know that I would have only left you here alone.”

“Glad we’re on the same page, then,” I smiled sourly. “See you never.” And with that, I slammed the door in his face. 

I sighed deeply, smiling in satisfaction. I went back to the kitchen and resumed my cake making. 

A few hours later and I was finishing the last pieces of cake, and watching Forrest Gump.

“Life is like a box of chocolates, huh,” I muttered. “First I’m a regular girl with human friends and a family. And now I’m a girl who who has no family, vampires, werewolves, and witches for friends, and who is stuck in a never-ending prison world!”

I rolled my head around the couch ledge, my eyes looking out the window. It was pitch black now. The stars were shining brightly, many of them twinkling. 

“Mom, Dad, Jenny, Andrew. Bonnie and Damon. If you’re out there, please help me. Send someone or something. I-I can’t do this alone, and I definitely don’t want Kai’s help. Please help me,” I cried out. I hugged a couch pillow and Bonnie’s jacket. 

I hope someone could hear me up there. Otherwise I was screwed.

————

3 months later and I was still stuck in this hell-hole. Well, at least I think it had been 3 months. Ever since Kai kept me here, I had been counting the days. It had been approximately 90 days, give or take. I was beginning to think this was actually my own personal instead of Kai’s. 

Speaking of Kai, he actually had been pretty good of avoiding me. In these 90 days, I have only ran into him twice. Once was while I was going for a morning jog and the other was when I was venturing into town, walking to the Mystic Grill and all the shops. During my stay, I have also been documenting my days with an old video camera I found. I knew that I would get out, but just in case, I would be able to have all those memories saved and if I died somehow and never came back and someone else got trapped here, they could see the glamorous life of Y/n L/n. Or what was left of it at least. 

Today was going to be different, though. For the past few months, I had been sitting in my bedroom for most of the week, crying, talking to myself, screaming at the world. I had even considered killing myself once or twice, but I knew that I would only wake up in more pain and sadness. Every day I prayed and hoped for someone to come and find me. For my friends to find out a way to get to me, even though they didn’t have the ascendent or anything. It seems as more days past, the less and less hopeful I got, though. So, I decided that the only way I was getting out of here was to do it myself, regardless if I wasn’t a magical being. 

And so right now, I was trying to build the ascendent. I was almost there, actually. It was just these little parts that were so frustrating to put back together. 

“Go together, dammit!” I exclaimed out of frustration. 

I put the device down, running my hands over my face, thinking of a solution.  Maybe I should ask Kai for help. 

No. That would only end up with me screaming at him the whole time and potentially killing him. 

But he probably still had some go Bonnie’s magic left. He could help me get out. And plus, I could just push him away last minute when we go through the portal. 

I groaned out of annoyance. I didn’t know what the right answer was. I thought I did. I thought I could do this by myself. But it turns out I can’t. It’s a lot harder than I thought and the fact that I’m a human doesn’t help either. I bit my lip in thought, racking my brain for an answer. 

“You have to ask him to help, Y/n. It’s the only way,” I sighed to myself. 

I got up from my seat and put on my shoes and jacket. I went out of the house and got into Damon’s Chevy, driving it to Kai’s house. I clenched the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white as I parked in his driveway. Just the thought of seeing him made my stomach churn. Thing was, I didn’t quite know if it churned in a good way or bad. 

I stepped out of the car, putting the keys in my jacket pocket. I walked up to the door and gave it a good 3 knocks. A waited a few minutes, but no answer. I knocked a few more times and waited another few minutes. Still no answer. 

“Seriously?!” I whined, raising my hand to pound on the door, but Kai’s voice stopped me. 

“What are you doing here?” 

I turned around and saw him carrying grocery bags. 

“Oh. Good, you’re here,” I said, stepping down from his porch. 

“You never answered my question. What are you doing here?” He asked. 

“I need your help,” I confessed. 

His lips upturned into a smile. He let out a laugh. “Wow. Princess Y/n has gotten over her pride, huh?”

“And sociopathic Parker still harasses me with nicknames, huh?”

Kai frowned and walked up to the porch, passing by me and unlocking his house. 

“Sorry,” I sighed, following him into his house. “Will you please help me?”

“Hm, let me think about it,” he said, setting the grocery bags down. “No.”

I rolled my eyes. “C’mon! You barely thought about it. Why not?”

“Because I hate you,” he shrugged. “Why? What have I done to you?” I scoffed.

“Well, first of all you slammed a door in my face. Second, whenever we run into each other, you act like I murdered your whole family. And third, you denied my help before, but now you want it?  I think not,” he explained. 

“Look, I’m sorry. I really, really am, but I know for a fact that you want to get out. I want to, too! But I’ve learned that we can’t get out without each other. I’m sorry I let my pride take over me. So please help me,” I begged and apologised. 

Kai grinned at me. “I love this.” “Love what?” I asked. 

“I love seeing you beg,” he said, his voice dropping low. He started to walk towards me slowly. Stalking me like I was his prey. 

I backed away from him, my eyes trained on him. I let out a huff as my back hit a wall. My eyes widened and stared into his menacing eyes. 

“I love seeing you beg for me. Begging for my help like the helpless little human you are,” he muttered. 

He arms went around your sides, trapping in-between him and the wall. I breathed out heavily and shakily, averting my eyes. 

“I’m not helpless,” I protested. He smirked down at him, his eyes lighting up. “You sure about that, princess?”

The way he stressed my pet name set my fire to my heart, and set my stomach flipping. He head hung low. So low that I could fell his breath on my lips. I felt his knee nudge my thigh and that’s when I stopped breathing. I could fell myself slowly melting into a puddle right in front of him.  

“You gonna answer me, sweetheart, or are you just gonna stand there gawking at me?” He chuckled. 

I swallowed hard. “N-No.”

“Then answer me,” he teased me. “Y-Yeah… I’m sure about that,” I whispered. 

He hummed in reply. I let my eyes roam his face and set on his lips. 

“Offer is still there,” he said. “What offer?” I asked. 

“The offer to kiss me. Remember when I offered when we first met?” 

“O-Oh, yeah,” I stuttered, beginning to catch my breath

“The offer’s still there if you wanna take it.” My eyes flickered back up to his. I shook my head furiously. “I-I don’t want to take it.”

“Oh, I think you do,” he grinned. 

I then snapped out of my daze, putting my hand on shoulders and pushing back. “I said no.”

“Alright, alright,” he held his hand up in defense, backing further away from me. 

“Now you’ve had your fun, will you help me?” I asked, running my fingers through my hair. 

“I guess so,” he shrugged. My eyes lit up, “Really? Oh, my God! Yes!” 

I jumped up and went to hug him, wrapping my arms around him. I engulfed him tightly, entangling my fingers in his hair. It was surprisingly soft. 

“This feels nice,” Kai sighed. 

I groaned, “Okay. Moment ruined.” I pulled away, stepping back a good few feet. 

“You hugged me first,” he shrugged. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Alright, so when do you want to get started?” I asked. 

“After dinner,” he answered. “But it’s 2 pm,” I said. 

“I know. But how about you and me have dinner together,” Kai explained. 

“I thought you hated me?” I asked. “Oh, I do. I definitely do. That’s why I want to have dinner with you. I know just how to push your buttons. You’re so cute when mad,” he grinned. 

I growled at him. “And you are so annoying.” “See! So cute,” Kai scrunched his nose. 

“I bet it’ll be cute when I give you a black eye,” I muttered.

“It'd like to see you try. Anyways, if you want my help, then you’ll come to dinner with me,” Kai shrugged. 

I sighed, “Fine. What time? What do I need to cook?” 

“7 PM. And nope, I’ll cook.”

“O-Oh, really? You cook?” 

“Yep,” he grinned proudly. 

“Hm… Well, good to know. Anyways, I’ll be here at 7,” I said, making my way towards the door. 

“Make sure to dress up! This is gonna be fancy!” Kai called out. 

“Noted!” I exclaimed, stepping out of the house. I shut the door behind me, exhaling heavily. “Now you got a date with the town’s psycho, Y/n. Good going.” 

I strutted over to the car, getting in and driving back to my place. I read a few books to pass the time until I had to get ready. I got done with Twilight: Eclipse, as I actually had already started that the other day, and I went ahead and started to read more into Bonnie’s grams’s grimoire.

It was all so fascinating, really. I was so amazed by just the spells themselves, I didn’t even consider the history of all of them. While reading the grimoire, I started to feel a little jealous of the fact that Bonnie’s a witch, and the fact that I’m a human with a ring that keeps me alive whenever I got killed. I almost started to feel jealous of Damon and Tyler, but I knew that I never would want to be a monster. Being a witch would seem nice, though. Not like Kai, though. 

After a little heavy reading, I checked the clock. It was 5:49, which meant that I had to start getting ready. I put a bookmark in place in the grimoire and got up off the couch, heading up the stairs. I turned on the shower and got undressed. 

I took off my sweatpants and socks, followed by my shirt. As I reached for my shirt overhead, the front of it brushed my nose. An unfamiliar, but calming scent  filled my nose. I slipped the rest of the shirt off, turning it back right side out and held it up to my nose. I closed my eyes and breathed the scent in. It smelled like mint, paper of old books, and a little like grape jam. As soon as the grape jam smell came to me, I immediately knew who this scent belonged to. 

“Ew!” I shrieked and threw the shirt across the room. It landed in the laundry basket, luckily enough. I let out a gagging noise, taking off my underwear and getting in the shower quickly. 

I took my time washing up. Taking a shower seemed to be the only place I could really let go and bask in the quiet and loneliness that was in this house. It was strange because it was always quiet and lonely in this house. This was my only time to truly relax since I was doing everything to keep my busy during the day, so I wouldn’t start crying and throwing a fit about still being here. 

I lathered my body with shampoo, giving myself a little massage on my shoulders. I closed my eyes and started to imagine what life would be like if I wasn’t stuck in 1994. 

I would be with my friends, obviously. We would be at Whitmore, trying to live a normal life. Caroline, Elena, Bonnie and I would be having a picnic on campus. Sipping iced teas and eating sometime of desert. Damon would probably be with us, considering that Elena can’t be without Damon for more than 10 minutes without dying - literally. Stefan would most definitely be there. He’s my best friend, so of course he would be there. He would be talking to Caroline, though, her hogging all of his attention because she likes him (though she always denied it). And maybe Jeremy would be there, too, for Bonnie. Holding her hand and cuddling up next to her like the cute couple they are. And me? Well, I didn’t really have anybody special in my life. I actually had a thing with Kol Mikaelson before he died. I liked Tyler briefly in high school, but I’m 100% sure he’s into the girl that works at the coffee shop at Whitmore. Matt wasn’t my type at all. Neither was Enzo. Maybe I had a cute boy a Whitmore on my arm. A classmate that I had invited to the picnic. Someone cute, smart, funny… a little crazy. Maybe… Maybe Kai.  

My eyes snapped open as I became aware that Kai was now in my fantasy. I couldn’t help but shudder, even with the hot water running on my skin. I washed the rest of my body, focusing on anything else but Kai. I turned off the water, wrapping a towel around me. I dried my skin off as I walked to the sink, putting on lotion and re-brushing my teeth. I stepped back into my bedroom and put on a nude-coloured underwear set. It was simple and very, very comfortable. I then went over to my closet, looking for an outfit to wear. I shuffled through all my shirts, not being able to find one that I liked. I sighed in slight frustration, stepping back to try and see if anything stuck out to me. 

A little, annoying voice - that sounded much like my mother’s - sounded in the back of my head. 

Maybe you can’t decide on an outfit because you like him and want to look nice for him.

I scoffed loudly, shaking my head. “No. I definitely do not care. That’s why I’m just gong to wear this.” I reached into my closet and pulled out a simple dark-turquoise dress. It was spaghetti-strapped and plunged a little bit at the neckline. It reached down just above my knees. Perfect for dinner with an… associate. 

I slipped it on and back to the bathroom and did my hair, putting it in one of my favourite hairstyles. I then got out some makeup products. I put on a light coat of foundation and concealer, curling my eyelashes and brushing them up with mascara. I then shaped my eyebrows and filled in the sparce parts, dusting on some blush and putting on chapstick. I looked in the mirror, stepping back to look at my appearance. I cringed as it looked like I was going on a date. I shook those thoughts out of my head. I wasn’t dressing up for him, I was dressing up for myself. There’s no shame in wanting to look nice for yourself. 

I went back into the bedroom and found a pair of black heels. I slipped them on, going over to the dresser and putting on a few gold bracelets and a pair of earrings. I re-adjusted my necklace that I was already wearing. I looked at my reflection and smiled. For once, I felt and looked good. I grabbed a black jacket and walked out of my room, checking the time once again. I had 10 minutes to get his house, which was perfect. 

I went out of the house and to the Chevy, driving to Kai’s house. I parked in the driveway, my heart beginning to race. I let out a few deep breaths and go out of the car. As soon as I was about to knock, the door swung wide open.

The door revealed Kai who was wearing a white button-up shirt and dark-blue slacks. He actually looked… nice, for once. My eyes traveled around his chest. I couldn’t help but notice the way his biceps strained against his shirt. I could literally see his abs through the shirt, too. It did not help butterflies that were starting to flutter in my stomach. 

“Like what you see?” He smirked. 

My eyes flew up to his face, taking a deep breath to calm myself down from all the excitement I was feeling.

“No,” I said flatly, going into the house and brushing past Kai. 

“Well, you look nice,” he said as I walked into his kitchen. 

“Thanks. You do, too,” I complimented genuinely. 

“I’ve never seen you in a dress before. You should wear them more often.”

“I don’t like dresses.”

“But you like me. That’s why you wore one to our date?” 

I balled my hands in fists, turning around to face him. “One, this is not a date. And two, girls can wear dresses for themselves, not for men like you.”

Kai grinned widely at me. I realised I had fallen into his trap. He was trying to push my buttons and so far, he's been successful. I couldn't let him win, though. I had to calm down and get through this night. Otherwise I would probably never be getting out. 

“Your temper is almost as bad as Damon’s,” Kai remarked. 

I sighed, “Well you’re not making it easy to stay calm.”

“I know,” he chuckled, walking past me and to the dinner table. “I hope you like ravioli and mushrooms.”

“Did you make these or buy them?” I asked, walking towards the kitchen table. 

“Made them. The Salvatores have lots of cook books. I might have stole them before you came,” he explained. 

"Well, it smells great,” I admitted, beginning to take off my jacket.

“Glad you think so. Here, let me get this for you,” he slid over to me and took the jacket off my shoulders. He folded it and put it on the ledge of his couch. 

“Thanks,” I said. He then pulled my chair out for me. I sat down, thanking him this time with a smile. 

“Wine?” He asked, bringing a bottle over. “Yeah, sure,” I nodded. 

He poured two glasses and placed one in front of me. He sat down and took a knife and fork. 

“Dig in,” he offered. “This isn’t filled with like, cyanide, right?” I asked half-jokingly. 

“Ha-ha. No. I worked really hard on these,” he said. 

“Hm,” I hummed. I cut one of the raviolis in half and popped on in my mouth. My eyes widened as it tasted a lot better than I expected. 

“Good, right?” Kai smiled. 

“Very,” I nodded once I swallowed. 

We ate in silence for a few moments. I was itching to talk to him about getting home. I took a long sip of wine before beginning to take. 

“So um…. I’ve started to re-build the ascendent. It’s a lot harder than it looks, but I’m really close. I just have-”

“No,” Kai said suddenly. I furrowed my brows, “What?” “No, we aren’t going to talk about that just yet. I want to get to know you,” he explained. 

I rolled my eyes. “Why? All you need to know is my name and that I hate living here.”

He chuckled, “Not true. I have trust issues. So before I get involved with you, I need to know I can trust you. See, I didn’t trust Damon or Bonnie. I knew that they hated me from the second they met me. I knew that no matter what I would do, they would never give in to trusting me. You, however, you are so trusting. Didn’t you find it creepy that I, a strange man whom you met in a parking lot, offered you a ride?”

“Oh. I-I mean, I guess? But I needed a ride, anyways,” I said. 

He shook his head with a smile. “No. Not a good enough reason. Any reasonable woman would have run away from me. You, though… You saw something good in me, didn’t you? You thought I was nice and cute. Maybe a little too forthcoming, but still you put some trust in me. And if you can trust me, maybe I can learn to trust you.”

“Is that why you didn’t let me go with them?” I asked, suddenly connecting the dots. 

“Part of the reason. I knew that I had no chance of getting home with Damon and Bonnie. But with you, I knew that I had a chance. Even though you are just a human.” “I am more than that,” I argued. 

“And I’m sure you are! But you see, I don’t know that for sure because I don’t know anything about you. See what I’m getting at here?” “Yeah, I see,” I grumbled. “Great! So let’s start with the first question. Why do you always wear that necklace?” He pointed to my neck. 

“It was a gift,” I explained shortly, hoping he would notice the edge in my voice. 

“From who?” He asked, the corners of his lips upturning in a smirk. 

Of course he noticed. He just wasn’t going to stop. 

“Family member.” “C’mon, you gotta give me more. I can’t help you if I don't trust you.” I slammed my fork down on the table. “So? There’s a lot of people in the world that you don’t trust fully, but sometimes you just have to help them! Like in school, you may not trust one of your classmates personally, but if they ask you for help on a math problem, you would help them, right? And plus, I don’t trust you. I never did, for the record. I just really want to get out of this place, which now I am believing is my personal hell, not your’s, but I can’t do that without you!” 

Kai took a bite of his ravioli, taking his sweet time to chew and swallow. I clenched my knife, tempted to throw it into his carotid. 

“Watch your temper, princess. If you keep yelling at me, then I definitely won’t help you.” I closed my eyes and breathed in slowly, trying to calm myself down. “Fine. Sorry. I just don’t want to answer the questions about my necklace.”

“Oh, I know. That’s why I’m asking,” he grinned. 

I rolled my eyes, settling back in my seat. “Please, don’t. It’s really personal.”

“You know, I killed my family. It can’t get any worse than that,” he shrugged. 

“Yeah, well, this is worse to me,” I muttered. “What? Did you kill your whole family, too? Man, I didn’t know we were so similar,” he chuckled. 

“No. They got murdered right in front of me,” I whispered out. Tears prickled the corners of my eyes. I lowered my gaze to my almost-empty plate. Thick, uncomfortable silence filled the room. I tried to fight the tears that threatened to fall, but as memories came back, I could no longer hold them off. 

“I-I’m gonna go. Thanks for dinner, Kai.” My voice was hoarse as I spoke. I swallowed hardly, trying to clear my throat, but it felt like shards of glass were rubbing the sides of it. 

I went to grab my jacket and wrapped it around me, reaching out for the doorknob, but Kai pulled me back. He wrapped his fingers around my wrist gently, but firmly. He tugged me back slightly, enough for me to turn around and look him in the eyes. The expression on his face was something that I had never seen on him before. He looked regretful, guilty; full of remorse. For once I didn’t feel annoyed or scared of him. 

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” he spoke softly, his blue eyes boring into my e/c eyes. 

“I-It’s alright. It’s not your fault,” I sniffled. “No… I-I should have known this was too personal for you to want to share,” he admitted. 

“Yeah, well, I know how much you like to push my buttons,” I chuckled. 

“I do. I admit that. But I really do want to get to know you.” I narrowed eyes at him, crossing my arms around my chest and leaning back in my chair. “Why?” 

“Because I… I think you’re interesting. When I was watching you and your friends, I was able to discover things. Things about Bonnie and Damon. But you… I couldn’t figure out a thing about you. You talk a lot to Damon, and I know you’re really close with Bonnie, but you’re still so private. I’m such an open person, so it was weird for me to see you be so closed-off, but outgoing at the same time,” he explained, his cheeks glowing pink as soon as he finished. 

I couldn’t believe what I had heard him say. He was finally saying nice things about me in a sincere tone. I couldn’t help but smile and softened up. “Really?”

“Yeah,” He shrugged sheepishly. “Hm,” I buzzed. 

“So, will you stay and we can get to know each other? I promise I won’t ask you about your family anymore,” he said. 

I stared at him intensely. As much as I wanted to say no, every fiber in my body was screaming yes. 

“Alright, sure. I’ll stay,” I nodded. I knew that if I said no, he probably wouldn't help me get back home, but I was actually looking forward to staying. It seemed as though my feelings for him were developing a lot quicker and stronger than I thought they ever would. 

A bright smile lit up his face immediately. “Great! Do you want to continue eating? I have some ice cream, too, if you want.”

“Ice cream sounds good,” I answered. He nodded and let go of my wrist, walking to his freezer. 

I felt alone and cold all of the sudden. I felt myself start to miss his hand on me, holding my arm. His skin was so warm and surprisingly soft. I wanted him to touch me all over. 

“Take a seat on the couch.” His voice broke me out of my dirty thoughts. 

I shrugged away the thoughts and made my way to the sofa, taking a seat and making myself comfortable. 

“Do you want a blanket of anything?” He asked, setting down two bowls. 

“I’m good for now, thanks,” I said, reaching her to grab a bowl. “F/f?” I asked. 

“Yeah. This one of the few things I found out about you,” he smiled sheepishly, taking his bowl and sitting down next to you. 

“Indeed I do. I assume you do, too?” I guessed. “Yep,” he nodded.  “Hm. So, what do you want to know about me?” I asked. 

“What’s your favourite colour?”

“F/c.” “Do you have any pets back at home?” He asked.

“I had a cat a few years ago. She died, though.” “Oh, I’m sorry,” he frowned. “It's alright. She was 20, so she was bound to die soon,” I shrugged. 

He nodded. “What’s life like back at home?”

I took a bite of ice cream, thinking for a few moments. “Fun. Busy, but really happy and colourful.”

“Are you in college?” He asked. “Yeah. Second year,” I answered.  “What’re you studying?” 

“I’m majoring in human studies and minoring in art and design.” “Sounds fun.” 

“It is. And a little stressful,” I chuckled. He laughed with me, looking away from me for a moment and then looking back. 

“Do you have a boyfriend, or girlfriend, back at home?” He asked. 

“Nope. I’ve been single for a good couple years,” I said. 

“You? Single? I find that hard to believe,” he snorted. “Why?” I asked, my heart fluttering just thinking about his answer. 

Kai smiled softly at me. “Well, for starters, you’re beautiful. You’re strong and confident. You know what you want and have no issue in fighting for it. You’re a little hot-headed, but I find it attractive. You’re very smart; I see you reading almost everyday. You’re determined and dream big. I can tell you really care about your friends and family, despite how much you and Damon bickered. You’re like a girl in a novel or movie that other girls want to be.”

My whole face went warm at his explanation. My lips were upturned into the most cheek-aching smile, too. 

“And you said it was hard to find things out about me,” I giggled, nudging his foot with mine. 

“Well, I couldn’t find out personal things about you. That's all just from observation,” he shrugged, not seeming to be embarrassed. 

I nodded, “Well, now you know a few personal things about me.”

“That I do.” “I…. I thought you liked Bonnie, too,” I spoke my thoughts out loud. 

 “She’s beautiful, too. She’s also incredibly smart and intuitive. She’s very strong and nice. But you’re the one that really caught my eye.”

“Oh,” I smiled impossibly wider. “Well, good to know.” “Yep,” he popped the ‘p’. I couldn't help but notice how his gaze dropped down to my upper chest, where my necklace sat. 

“They died one and a half years ago,” I started. 

His eyes flew up to mine. “You don’t have to-”

“No, no. It’s alright. Um… so it was at night. Everyone else was at the house, but I had snuck out to go to a party hosted by Caroline. At this time, I was involved with a vampire named Kol. He convinced me to go out. I knew it was wrong and I was going to get in trouble. I was what some would call a goody-two shoes. Anyways, I stayed out until like, 2 in the morning. I was getting tipsy and tired. So, Stefan, Damon’s brother, drove me home. When I first arrived at my house, it looked completely normal. It was quiet and peaceful. It wasn’t until I walked into my house when I knew something was wrong. There were lights on upstairs. It felt so tense, too. I could literally feel how tense and thick the air was.” I stared down at my ice cream for multiple minutes, blinking rapidly as tears fell. 

“I went upstairs and that’s when I saw him. He was tall and wearing a ski-mask, like he was trying to rob us. I guess he had other things he wanted to do, too. He didn’t see me at first, though. It wasn’t until he shot my dad when I started to cry and that’s when he noticed me. I ran away though and into my sibling’s room. I saw that they were still were asleep and safe. So I did the first thing I thought was sensible. I called Stefan. I explained to him that someone had murdered my dad. And as I called him, I heard my mom scream,” I shuddered as her scream ringed in my ears. 

“That’s when I heard the door being kicked open downstairs and I knew that Stefan was there. He had brought Caroline and Damon, too, with Bonnie. They were all here to help and I was so appreciative of them. I thought they were going to kill the guy, which was honestly what I wanted. But apparently, the murderer was a vampire. An old one, too, which meant he was stronger than everyone. My friends put up a good fight and I tried to get Andrew and Jenny out of the house, but as soon as we were going down the stairs, the murderer sped up to us and snapped both of their necks. I-It all happened so fast. I….I just couldn't register what was happening. They both just fell limp in my arms. I didn’t know what to do but cry. I was practically screaming while crying, cursing at the murderer. I tried to fight him, but I was so tired and weak, he almost ended up killing me, but luckily Stefan got to him the fastest and ripped his heart out. He fell right on top of me, too. I will never forgetting the weight I was feeling just then. Metaphorical and physical. I pushed him off of me and collapsed into Stefan’s arms. He held me for what seemed like forever until I stopped crying.”

I felt Kai move closer to me, putting a comforting hand on my hand. I smiled softly at him, letting out a deep breath as I was about to finish the story. 

“I didn’t come to school for four months after that. I didn’t even come out of my room during that time. My friends took turns everyday taking care of me. Stefan was on cooking duty, Caroline, Elena, and Bonnie switched roles of helping me bathe, getting me to eat, trying to get me to take a step out of bed. Damon and Jeremy provided the jokes and funny stories to try and get me to feel better. Alaric, who was acting like Elena and Jeremy’s parent, adopted me into their family. He said it was Elena and Jeremy’s idea and he agreed fully. After my grieving period, I moved in with the Gilberts. Elena and Jeremy called me their sister and I fell into that role. It was nice to have a family again. It was nice to have siblings again. To have a parent again. I knew it wasn’t real, though. Jeremy and Elena acted like it was real, though. They were so welcoming of having me as a sister, it was just so good. Once I went to college, though, I tried to get a little more independent. Bonnie was gone, actually, so all I had was Caroline and Elena. But we made it work. I’m so thankful for all of them. They really helped me and never gave up on me. Even when I threw fits about getting out of bed,” I smiled at the memories of them helping me. 

“Anyways,” I shifted on the couch. “The summer before college, I ended up cremating my family and spreading them across the Pacific Ocean, thanks to Damon who gladly took me on a trip.”

“Wow,” Kai breathed out. “I know,” I chuckled.

“You have really great friends. I’m sorry that all happened to you,” he said. “I-I can’t imagine what you went through. And what you’re still going through.” “Yeah, well, I’m the survivor here. You’re an actual murderer,” I smirked. 

He laughed, “True. You know, if you know that I’m a murderer, then why do you agree to spend time with me?”

I sighed and set the empty bowl of ice cream on the table. “Well, you’re right. I am trusting. I see the good in people and I see the good in you. When I was about to walk out the door, I saw the good in you. I see the good in you now. You can be good, Kai. I know it’s hard considering what you have been through, but you are just as much as a survivor as I am.” I intertwined our fingers and put my other hand on his forearm. 

“You were abused as a child. You were punished for being different. And although that doesn’t excuse you killing your siblings, you still deserve love. I don’t know how being in a coven works, but I do know how being in a family works. You’re supposed to love each other and your father didn’t give you that love. Sure, you’re a little… eccentric at times, but you still have feelings like everyone else. I know Damon and Bonnie called you a sociopath, and I know I did, too, but now that I’ve seen this side of you, I know you’re different. You should be able to resent your father for being blamed for being a siphoner. Which, by the way, I think it really cool, honestly. I-I’m sorry for yelling at you and getting really mad all those times,” I apologised, looking at him in the eyes to know I was sincere. 

He shrugged with a smile, “Well I didn’t make it easy on you.”

I laughed, “No, you did not. Anyways… You are a survivor Kai. A survivor of your family and this world. You deserve a lot more than you think.”

“Thank you. I guess that’s true,” he said. 

I smiled and leaned into him, “I know it’s true.”

He smiled at me, his hand tightening around mine. My eyes trailed down to his lips, ogling them for a good few moments. 

“Does the necklace has pictures of them?” Kai asked. 

I leaned away immediately, my hand slipping out of his. “Yeah, do you want to see them?” 

He nodded, moving closer to me so our thighs were touching. I took off the necklace, opening it up and showing him the left side where my parent’s picture sat. 

“That’s my dad, Owen, and that’s my mom, Louisa,” I pointed. 

“You look just like your mom,” Kai muttered. 

I looked to my right, seeing that he was staring right at me. I blushed a little, looking down shyly. “Yeah. We got our genes from our mom.”

“Are they Andrew and Jenny?” He pointed to the right side of the locket. 

“Yep. Andrew is 10 and Jenny is 13,” I said. 

“They look like good kids,” he commented. “They were. I often wish that it was me who died instead of them,” I murmured. 

“Why?” 

“Because I was the one who snuck out that night. Plus, my mom and I were having some relationship issues. She was always so irritated with me and criticizing everything I did. The last thing I said to her that night was “I hate you. I wish I had a different mom.”,” My lips were pulled down in a deep frown. 

“Well, you didn’t mean that, right?” Kai guessed. 

“I didn’t,” I shook my head. “Well, that’s all that matters,” he said. 

I nodded and looked up at him. 

“You have a little… Here,” he said and lifted up his hand. He cupped my cheek, his thumb running across my cheekbone, wiping a few tears away. 

My breath hitched as I felt myself leaning towards him. There was like this magnetic pull that I was feeling. I knew I couldn’t fight it if I tried. His eyes met mine, staring intensely at me. My eyes flickered down to his lips. They looked so soft. So pink. So unbelievably kissable. I was about to close the space in-between us when Kai stopped me.

He put his hand on my shoulder, pushing me back. 

“What? Did I read the situation wrong? I’m so sorry,” I rushed out, getting up from the couch. 

Kai’s hand grabbed my forearm roughly, pulling me back down on the couch. 

“No, it’s not that. You read the situation totally right it's just that… I’ve never kissed anyone before,” he admitted, looking down shyly. 

I smiled softly, reaching my hand out for his. “It’s alright. We don’t have to do anything. It’s late, anyways. I should get going.” I looked at the clock, noticing that it was 9:30. 

“Or you can stay and we can watch a movie?” He suggested. “Sure,” I nodded with a smile. “Can I take my shoes off?” “Yeah, of course. Actually um, do you want a change of clothes?” He asked. 

“Yeah, if you don’t mind,” I nodded. 

“Sweatpants and t-shirt work for you?” He asked. 

“It definitely does,” I said. “Great. I’ll be right back, go ahead and make yourself comfortable,” he said, getting up from the couch. 

I smiled and nodded, taking my shoes and jacket off. I leaned back on the couch, sighing. I could not believe I was making nice with someone who tried to kill me. Damon was right. My type is crazy.

————

Like and Reblog! 

Part Three is right here!

taglist form

@123cxcv​ @mrsobrien888​ @happinessisabutterflyx​ @mrs-parker-1972​

[djhedy]

what is canon and should we respect it (a not-essay on aftg fandom)

i want to write an *entire* essay on this but i am between meds right now so exhausted and suffering a HEAT WAVE (uk?? why! we are normally so temperate) and also there's always a risk of sounding patronising when trying to put your opinions/experience across, so i'll try to write briefly and wotnot

what is canon:

"the material accepted as officially part of the story in an individual universe of that story" or, as we'd probably all put it "wot the author wrote"

why this matters, and why the author matters - our characters wouldn't exist without them

beyond a basic respect for the author, which i would define as like not being a bitch to them (because every human being has feelings, and this is something easily forgotten on the internet), we land on the question "should we respect canon"

well... maybe?

it sort of depends why you're here. the experience of literature/art can be defined a few ways: what the author intended, what the reader experiences, the impact on society.

what nora intended: if you care, she's written a lot of extra content on tumblr. but given that the majority of people who read the books probably won't care enough to find the extra content, this isn't canon. it isn't canon because it isn't in the books of the story. calling it canon is gatekeeping. but it's SUPER FUN and i enjoy seeing what nora's interpretation of her own characters are. thanks nora we luv u.

the impact on society: people get SO UPSET about this question. and it's a reasonable question for sure. art does impact society and vice versa. i just kind of don't think this is the big deal you think it is. people are always hunting for signs of homophobia, sexism, transphobia etc in fandom works. and like... sure, you can do that if you'll enjoy it. this essay isn't really about this, and i don't want to ramble. but aftg is an indie publication. its impact is so insubstantial. maybe chill out. the people who are like AARON IS HOMOPHOBIC BUT ANDREW THE MURDERER IS UWU or, opposite, SETH DESERVED REDEMPTION AND MATT IS ABLEIST - my guys it's a book. these characters are flawed. literature isn't meant to be a pinnacle of morals (unless... it is) and we're supposed to love these characters because they work through their flaws and settle into who they are. are they still dicks at the end? sure! it's fun. not everything has to be light and perfect. and you'll have more fun with art if you stop hunting for homophobes in the fandom of an independent publication with a few thousand readers. that's not how to succeed at the gay agenda. we're on it, i promise.

WHAT THE READER EXPERIENCES: this is the big one! you know when you read a book or watch a film and say "oh wow so it was about THIS, THIS was the important bit!" and someone disagrees? well, they're not wrong and you're not wrong. experience is a whole thing. what someone has experienced in life before they come to the art, what they experience during the art itself. art is a communication from the creator to the audience and that communication is subtle and will be different for *every* single person.

this will upset a lot of people, but it isn't canon that neil is demisexual. the label isn't mentioned once in the books. can it be inferred? ABSOLUTELY. he's demi in all of my fanfics because i personally love it. but nora mentioning it in extra content does not make it canon, in the same way that jkr telling everyone she saw dumbledore as gay after the books, does not make it canon. #theauthorisdead (but let's still be nice to them. ...unless you're jkr. fuck jkr.)

my point is just that canon doesn’t always matter. collectively most of us have decided neil is demi, which is important rep to a lot of people without rep. how sexy of us.

and experience matters. there will be people to whom it's important to write neil as not-very-demi. there will be people to whom it's important to write neil as super ace. be kind to each other.

i've decided i need to add another heading.

WHAT'S THE POINT OF FANFICTION?

to preserve canon? no, because... nora already did that. there's a huge amount of fun to be had trying to write neil and andrew as *accurately* as possible - but this *accuracy* will be different from person to person. because a work of literature is complicated and writing is hard and - individual experience. we've already gone through that. but like, have you ever tried to write andrew's dialogue accurately, the way he speaks like he's half-high half-shakespearean?? it's DIFFICULT. i have tried.

you know what's also fun? experimenting. what would their relationship be like if neil was an alcoholic. what if andrew liked wearing dresses. what if one of them cheated. what if matt died of a drug overdose.

in my head the point of fanfiction is EXPLORATION.

sometimes you're exploring the characters as accurately to your experience of them as possible, sometimes you're adding a new element in to see how they would react. let's be honest, that new element is usually something you're obsessed with in your own life. gender presentation? why people cheat? why people relapse? why relationships break down?

anyway, back to the list.

WHAT'S THE POINT OF FANFICTION?

to dick around and have a nice time? yes.

to work through your own identities/traumas/what have you? probably if you're anything like me and basically everyone i know in the fandom lol.

i think this is everything i want to say.

no wait i lied! final point.

if you've ever studied literature or philosophy the first things they teach you is to question *everything*. for example: what is fanfiction, what is canon, "we have to respect canon" do we??

if you've heard someone using the word "feminisation" to mean "make neil soft uwu", rather than repeating the word, question why it's being used here. what does feminise mean, what does soft mean. maybe you love the dark side to neil, maybe other people like the side of him that can heal.

there's nothing wrong with playing with sexual dynamics and relationship dynamics. sometimes you might be writing something cliched, homophobic, sexist - if you work out you are doing that, maybe stop it. on the other hand lots of couples *do* play out the dynamics of - trousers on in the bedroom, trousers on in the relationship. it's not homophobic to depict a homosexual relationship where one is subby and one is dommy. it exists. so like, chill a little.

and remember you are not always right and everyone is different?

man did i accidentally make this patronising?

woops.

lots of love hedy x

[kevindayisafrog]

Here’s a painful one shot of Kevneil in a perfect court AU based on artwork by @knandersonart on Instagram

TW - blood, detailed injuries, abuse, anxiety/panic attacks

“Try stepping out of line now”, Riko growled as he slammed his foot down once more onto Kevin’s hand. The sound of bones cracking had quickly given way to the sound of them crunching, as solid bone turned to shards. “Riko”, Kevin slurred as he swallowed down another lump of bile, “Riko, please”. Riko only laughed harder at the plead and brought his foot down in one last stamp. Kevin let out a bellied cry as the last of his bones tore through the skin on his hand, blood rapidly spilling over onto the locker room floor. “You’ll never be better than me now, will you? Try beating me with no hand”, Riko spat onto Kevin’s cheek and gave his hand a quick kick before turning on his heels and leaving the room. Kevin squeezed his eyes shut and willed the room to stop swaying as he clutched what remained of his hand to his chest. His mind replayed Riko’s words with feverish images of Kevin’s future; he’d never play again and he’d let his mom down. All he wanted to do was play a stupid game that she made up and now she was gone and he couldn’t make her proud anymore. Kevin let out a roar of pain as he made to get to his feet but the room was spinning and he quickly came crashing down to his knees, his hands springing out to catch himself. “Kevin?”, a muffled voice echoed through the locker room making Kevin feel the sick crawl uncontrollably up his throat. “Kevin, what happened?”, the voice sat next to him and squeezed his shoulder with a fierce grip. Kevin turned to look up at the voice and let out a whimper as Neil looked down at him in concern. “N-“, Kevin made to speak but that was enough for the bile to threaten to escape so he clamped his mouth shut; barely turning away as he emptied his stomach onto the floor. “It’s alright, I’m here”, Neil kneeled beside Kevin and rubbed circles into his lower back, resting his forehead against his trembling shoulder. “It’s over”, Kevin whispered as he stared absently at the contents of his own stomach. Neil shot his head back and glared at Kevin’s profile, a frown deeply forming, “what do you mean ‘it’s over’? With us..or- shit, Kevin!”, Neil’s eyes drifted to Kevin’s hand and back up to his vacant eyes, “did he do this?” Kevin didn’t answer as he watched his future shatter into sharp shards that tore his chest open and squeezed his lungs shut. “Kevin, look at me”, Neil carefully placed his hands either side of Kevin’s face and carefully turned his head to look at him, “did Riko fucking do this? And I don’t want you to lie this time”. Neil’s voice was venomous, an odd comfort that brought Kevin back to his senses. “Yeah, he-he didn’t like that I’m better than him”, he let out a weak laugh before breaking down and dropping his head onto Neil’s shoulder, “it’s over. It’s all over”. Neil clutched onto Kevin with all his might and shook his head, “you know that’s not true. You know you’ll pull yourself back up to the top, you’re so strong”. Kevin shook his head as a sob racked through his body, “I can’t, Testuji is going to throw me aside and I’ll be forgotten. They’ll probably kill me because I’m not useful anymore”. Neil gritted his teeth and let out a barked laugh, “they can fucking try but I’ll rip them apart before they even look at you”. They sat in the silence broken only by Kevin’s sniffles and shaky breaths before Neil cleared his throat, “look at me”. Kevin shook his head so Neil grabbed his chin and pulled his head up to look him in the eye, “I’m getting Andrew because he’ll help us but don’t fucking move until I get back, do you hear me?”. Kevin nodded and slumped against the lockers, watching Neil’s back as he slipped out the room.

He didn’t have to wait long before Andrew burst in with his medicated smile and manic laugh, “aww, Kevvie, did no one tell you not to bite the hand that feeds you?” Kevin groaned and sat up straighter eyeing the first aid kit that Andrew was throwing from hand to hand, “you’re not seriously going to try fix it are you? In your state?” Andrew cackled and dropped heavily to his knees in front of Kevin, “Aaron’s studying to be a doctor at Palmetto state, so that practically makes me a doctor too. I’ll help you”. Kevin snorted and looked away, “shit doctor he’ll be if he’s studying in that shithole”, he winced as Andrew slapped the bone that was sticking out of his hand. “I wouldn’t talk so snobbishly, if I were you. Me and Neil think that your behavior has been out of hand recently and we are saddened to say that we are sending you to boarding school to meet my twin”, Andrew smiled and looked up at Kevin’s confused frown, “pssst, it’s a joke. We’re sending you to go see Daddy Wymack at Palmetto”. Kevin shot his hand away from Andrew and hugged it to his chest, “I can’t go there, I can’t leave, you fucking know this! If the master knows I’m gone he’ll kill us all, Andrew. What the fuck are you and Neil thinking? And plus what if Coach Wymack turns me away? I cant just turn up at his doorstop and be like he-“. Andrew stuffed a ball of bandages into Kevin’s mouth and pulled his hand away so he could finish cleaning and dressing it, “you’re rambling and I wasn’t really listening, so I didn’t see the point in you wasting good oxygen”. Kevin tried to spit the bandages out but they were shoved too far back for his tongue to reach, “I hate you”, he muffled. Neil ran back into the room with his old battered duffel bag bursting at the seams with what looked liked clothes, “for fuck’s sake, Andrew. This isn’t caring for someone, it’s like you’ve taken him hostage”. Andrew shrugged and pulled a bottle of whiskey out from where he was hiding it in his jacket, “this might hurt”. Kevin’s muffled scream of pain made Andrew laugh as he rubbed the alcohol across the wound, “scream if you want me to press harder”. He held one hand up to his ear as Kevin screamed harder at the pain before pressed his thumb onto the bone. “Right, you’ve had your giggles, now fucking stop before he passes out”, Neil snapped as he slapped Andrew’s shoulder. Andrew shrugged before letting go of Kevin’s hand and began dabbing antiseptic cream lightly across the skin, “this will need stitches and, believe it or not, I’m not a doctor so I can’t do it”. Kevin whimpered and glared at Neil who rummaged through the first aid kit and pulled out dental floss. “It’ll work for now, but when you drop him off at the airport make sure that he calls the Coach at Palmetto, they’ll get him to hospital”, Neil handed a needle and the floss to Andrew who raised an eyebrow and took it skeptically. “If he gets an infection it’s on you”, Andrew muttered as he threaded the floss through the needle. “Mom used it on the run, he’ll be fine”, Neil moved to sit beside Kevin and he grabbed his good hand, rubbing his thumb across the knuckles, “trust me”. Kevin looked down at the redhead beside him and nodded, “I trust you”, he muffled, trying not to gag on the bandages. Neil pulled the bandages out of his mouth and brushed their lips together, “you’ll be okay”.

Kevin let Andrew pull him up when his hand was done being wrapped, now smelling of a mixture of whiskey and mint, making his stomach churn uncomfortably. “Right let’s go”, Andrew picked Neil’s duffel bag off the floor and hauled it onto his shoulder as he left the locker room, rightfully assuming that they were following behind. They made their way to the steps leading out of the nest when Kevin realized that Neil wasn’t behind him. “Wait”, he reached his right hand out and tugged on the bag strap, pulling Andrew off the bottom step, “we need to wait for Neil”. Andrew stared up at him and cracked his manic smile, “oh, did lover boy not tell you? He’s not coming, I’m dropping you off at the airport and then you’re on your own”. Kevin glared down at Andrew before turning on his heels and running back to the locker room where Neil was cleaning up the blood from the floor. “Tell me Andrew is just being a dick”, Kevin stood over Neil and pulled the washcloth from his hand. “I’m not going, Kevin, you know I can’t”, Neil stood up slowly and turned to look up at his trembling boyfriend. “Bullshit, why can’t you go?”, Kevin held tightly onto the cloth to stop his panic from shaking his hands. Neil sighed and shook his head as if Kevin were being the unreasonable one and placed his bleach covered hands either side of Kevin’s face, “this is your only chance in getting out of here. If we all go with you, you might not succeed and you know what the master’ll do to you. I don’t want you getting hurt more than you already are”. Kevin scoffed and tried to pull his head away but Neil tightened his grip, “stop being a dick and come with me”, the fear was beginning to make his voice shake and he hated how whiny he sounded. He didn’t want to lose Neil, he was the only thing that kept him going, that kept him sane in this hell. He knew that leaving the nest and leaving everyone behind would create a crack in their relationship, a crack that could easily turn to a break. Kevin placed his shaking hand on top of Neil’s and let his hot tears fall, “please, don’t make me go alone. I don’t want to leave you”. Neil grit his teeth and dropped his head, making to drop his hands but Kevin held them in place, “stop being a child, Kevin, you can’t always get what you want”, he whispered, his own hurt lacing his words. Neil didn’t want to let Kevin go alone either, but he needed him to be safe and this was the only way; the only way to keep his Kevin from being hurt further. “Neil..we can go together, you’ve got hiding skills and we’ll just run. We’ll never come back and-“, Kevin broke off as Neil pulled him down into a tear filled kiss. “Shut up”, Neil muttered into the kiss that was more a kiss of goodbye than one of love. He pulled away first and dropped his hands, turning his back on Kevin, “you need to leave before it’s too late. I got Jean to distract Riko, but he’s bound to know that something is wrong”. Kevin stared at Neil’s back and let out a shaky sob, “please don’t make me go alone, I hate being alone”. Neil dropped his shoulders and turned back to face Kevin, “we’ll see each other soon, I promise, just wait”, he pressed one last goodbye kiss against Kevin’s lips before pushing him out of the locker room. Kevin hesitated for a moment before turning and running back to meet Andrew who was leaning against a wall, just the orange glow of his cigarette visible, “come on then, Romeo, let’s get you out of here”, Andrew flicked his cigarette onto the black carpet and made his way up the steps. Kevin stamped the cigarette out and looked over his shoulder once more to look for Neil before following Andrew out and into the cold night.

[only-johnny-deppp]

“Whatever I’ve gone through, I’ve gone through. But, ultimately, this particular arena of my life has been so absurd...” 

 Johnny Depp’s NEW INTERVIEW!

Last saturday, August 14, The UK Times, released a new interview with Johnny for the Sunday Times section. It was realized sometime earlier this month, in London, probably on the same day he and Andrew Levitas were recording for the Q&A for the “Minamata” release in UK. This is Johnny’s first interview since the UK trials in London last year, and released three years after Johnny’s major interview for the British GQ Magazine. Here Johnny and Andrew Levitas speaks about “Minamata”, his future as actor and a thing or two about his personal life, although he cannot talk about the court case.

For those who couldn’t read yet, here is the FULL interview:  Enjoy.

***

“I’M BEING BOYCOTTED BY HOLLYWOOD”

Johnny Depp has a new film out this week. In the opening scene his character, the real-life photographer W Eugene Smith, says, “I’m done. I’m tired. My body is older than I am. I’m always in goddam pain. I can’t trust my f***ing dick any more. Constantly in a foul mood. Even the drugs bore me.”

I ask Depp if Smith’s despair resonated with him. Depp stops. Rocks back and forth. “That’s interesting,” he replies with painful hesitation.

“I didn’t approach playing Smith in that way… Although you bring your toolbox to work and use what is available. Having experienced...” He stops again. Depp takes any questions that might refer to his calamitous libel case last year slowly, in a mumbly, croaking drawl. “A surreal five years…”

In the film Smith needs to revive his reputation. In real life Depp’s task is even more daunting. Thanks to the judgment, everyone can call him a “wife-beater”. Now he must convince a Hollywood still convulsed by #MeToo that he’s not toxic — and that any attempt to rebuild his career is a risk worth taking. This is Depp’s first interview since the case.

We are speaking over Zoom, Depp in his London home, in front of a gold-framed painting. The 58-year-old is wearing a lot of clothes. Earrings. Floppy hat. Sunglasses. Bandana. Scarf. Checked shirt over a T-shirt with an indiscernible slogan. If you saw him on the Tube*, you might think he was off to work at the London Dungeon*, to play most of the characters.

PS. For those who are not familiar with British words: * Tube = British slang for London Underground, the subway trains. * London Dungeon = is a walk-through experience that recreates scenes from London's scary history in a mixture of live actors, special effects and rides.

Depp resumes, talking in broken sentences about the new film, Minamata, in which Smith, via Life magazine, exposes the brutal mercury poisoning of Japanese villagers in the early 1970s.

“How do we do this?” he asks rhetorically, meaning how to speak about the elephant in the Zoom. “Well, there’s no way one can’t recognise the absurdity of the mathematics.” He grins. “If you know what I mean?” No. “Absurdity of media mathematics.” He talks in riddles. “Whatever I’ve gone through, I’ve gone through. But, ultimately, this particular arena of my life has been so absurd...”

He trails off again. He is holding a big brown roll-up of some sort. “What the people in Minamata dealt with? People who suffered with Covid? A lot of people lost lives. Children sick...Ill. Ultimately, in answer to your question? Yeah, you use what you’ve got. But what I’ve been through? That’s like getting scratched by a kitten. Comparatively.”

Last July, I went to the High Court in London to watch Depp on another screen — a video from the socially distanced court where the Hollywood star was losing a libel action against The Sun after it called him a “wife-beater”. It was the grottiest showbiz trial of the century. There were photos of the actor passed out in a foetal slump, socks on show. One lengthy exchange involved faeces. Another urination, inside or outside a house, after a violent night with his ex-wife Amber Heard.

This had all been going on for a while. In 2016 Heard applied for a temporary restraining order against him. The couple had long endured a narcotic, booze-filled, childish relationship, but that does not matter — 12 incidents levelled against Depp were proved, said the judge, and abuse is abuse, regardless of how badly they both behaved. Depp wanted to appeal, but the court said no. Next April in the US he has a $50 million defamation case against Heard relating to an opinion piece she wrote about being the victim of domestic abuse. It may be his last roll of the dice.

In the 1990s Depp was a sensitive heart-throb. Cooler than DiCaprio, edgier than Pitt. In this past year he has been stripped of his status and dignity. On day three of the trial Sasha Wass QC, representing The Sun, asked Depp about daubing a penis on a painting. He could not remember. “That would be quite a big thing, painting a penis on a picture?”  Wass asked. “Quite a big thing?” Depp asked.

It was a well-delivered line, but Depp was on show. Performing. Now he is more timid, less lucid. His people say he cannot talk about the court case given the looming US trial, yet it hangs over everything. The director of Minamata, Andrew Levitas, is also on our call — as a pub trivia aside, Levitas is married to the Welsh singer Katherine Jenkins.

The two men clearly get on. “With regards to journalism, it was important for us to put across in the film the power of truth,” Levitas says. Depp nods. “The responsibility of journalists to look after citizens of the world. [Our film] coincided with the moment important publications had to put Raquel Welch on a cover to get enough eyeballs to sell enough ads in order to put something meaningful inside. A result of that is clickbait — it’s destroying the purpose of journalism,” Levitas continues.

“You said it beautifully,” says Depp, one of the world’s most pinned-up men, who built a career on magazine covers. “I couldn’t say it better than that.”

Last month Levitas wrote to MGM, which bought Minamata for the US market but decided not to release it. He accused MGM of being concerned that “the personal issues of an actor in the film could reflect negatively upon them”. Then the letter got really strong. Levitas accused MGM of failing in its “moral obligation” to release the film and said it needed to explain to the victims “why you think an actor’s personal life is more important than their dead children”. He then attached Smith’s photos of ghastly deformities that shocked the world 50 years ago.

“It’s important that the movie gets seen and supported,” Levitas says. “And if I get an inkling it’s not going to be, it’s my responsibility to say so. Where it goes from there? I don’t know. But we have responsibility to these victims . . .”

You can see why he’s passionate. The film is good. MGM bought the film because it is good. Depp is good too. He disappears into the role, far from his more recent pantomime parts. It’s being released worldwide, just not in the actor’s homeland.

Depp, who also produced the film, interrupts. “We looked these people in the eyeballs and promised we would not be exploitative. That the film would be respectful. I believe that we’ve kept our end of the bargain, but those who came in later should also maintain theirs.”

“Some films touch people,” he adds. “And this affects those in Minamata and people who experience similar things. And for anything…” He pauses, as he does. “For Hollywood’s boycott of, erm, me? One man, one actor in an unpleasant and messy situation, over the last number of years?” He trails off. “But, you know, I’m moving towards where I need to go to make all that…” Again, he trails off. “To bring things to light.”

The fact, as I think Depp knows, is that for his career, the court that matters is not one of law, but public opinion. On social media, where a lot of minds are made up, Depp’s good reputation will always outweigh the bad, thanks to his frequently blinkered fans.

Outside the High Court, as Heard arrived, I saw Natasha, 30, yell: “Get hit by a truck, Amber!” She is extreme, but the persistent way his fans demand that others think their idol is a saint shows a career revival will happen. After all, most filmgoers do not follow his private life at all. To them, he is Jack Sparrow, Edward Scissorhands. To them, he is a star — and a star can take an awful lot of heat before it burns out.

“They have always been my employers,” Depp says of his fans. “They are all our employers. They buy tickets, merchandise. They made all of those studios rich, but they forgot that a long time ago. I certainly haven’t. I’m proud of these people, because of what they are trying to say, which is the truth. The truth they’re trying to get out since it doesn’t in more mainstream publications. It’s a long road that sometimes gets clunky. Sometimes just plain stupid. But they stayed on the ride with me and it’s for them I will fight. Always, to the end. Whatever it may be.”

Depp will talk like this for ever — about his “truth”. Minamata is the last film Depp has listed on the industry site IMDb, where actors usually have half a dozen in development. So, yes, fans of the actor can see Depp in a new role now — it is a return, but is it a relaunch? The film was finished in 2019, way before last year’s court case. Is that it? His last film? He thinks and looks off to his bookshelves, at biographies of Betjeman and Olivier.

“Er...no,” he says, eventually. “No. No. Actually, I look forward to the next few films I make to be my first films, in a way. Because once you’ve...Well, look. The way they wrote it in The Wizard of Oz is that when you see behind the curtain, it’s not him. When you see behind the curtain, there’s a whole lot of motherf***ers squished into one spot. All praying that you don’t look at them. And notice them.”

I would ask him to explain, but I am not sure he is an explainer. Watch this space, I guess, but he is already taking a first step back. After we speak, it is announced Depp is getting the coveted Donostia award at the San Sebastian Film Festival next month. Some people are just too famous to fail.

~ Interview by Jonathan Dean, in London, for The Times UK (released on August 14, 2021)

[the-chicken-or-the-banana]

Hi! There's a headcannon that has been circulating that I never saw fully written, and I love how you characterize the foxes! Basically, Andrew living the setbacks of being short (either privately or publicly), getting frustrated, and Neil comforting him

THIS IS SO FUNNY SKDJFHK also i have always wanted to write a 5+1 so tyvm for this (again, this ended up so goddamn long but. what else is new.)

read "shortcomings (honestly, fuck you tilda)" on ao3 hereeeee

———

1.

Andrew gripped the edges of the counter. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Eye on the prize.

He squinted at the offensively orange mixing bowl that Kevin had placed far too high on the shelf earlier that day. He had planned on baking cookies (for no reason other than that he was bored), and that bowl was his lucky one: every baked good he made using it always rose perfectly.

Andrew had tried everything — stretching as far as he could, trying to move things with his mind, even going as far as going on his toes (after a cursory glance that no one was around).

He eyed the step-stool on the other side of the kitchen. He could always use that and put it back and no one would be the wiser. But no. Andrew was a fully capable adult with a reputation to uphold and he would get that bowl down by himself, dammit.

Andrew had been through hell and back, and then some. He would not be bested by cabinetry.

He rubbed his hands against his shirt before placing them back on the counter and took a running crouch. Andrew bounced lightly on his toes, mentally counted to three, and leapt up, hand reaching forward to grip at the bowl.

For one glorious moment, it really seemed like it would work.

Then the counter whacked Andrew in the gut, he smacked his head against the cabinet, and he slowly slid down to the floor, no bowl in hand.

Hmm. That wasn't supposed to happen.

He jerked his head up to glare at the stupid bowl and promptly felt extremely dizzy, slipping even further until he was collapsed entirely on the floor, limbs splayed.

That wasn't supposed to happen either.

Oh well. If he couldn't ruin his health with cookies, he might as well do it by laying on the most unhygienic piece of property he had ever seen. He supposed this was an acceptable way to go.

Andrew lay there on the dorm floor for a solid 15 minutes, willing the bowl to come down, until he heard the dorm room unlock and the sound of Neil's quiet humming filled the room. He didn't have the energy to get up though, so he flopped his legs around as Neil passed the kitchen to catch his attention.

"Oh, hey Drew," Neil shuffled further into the dorm after giving Andrew a quick glance and smile. A few seconds later, the humming stopped and Andrew saw the outline of Neil's body slowly move back into the kitchen doorway. "Um. Can I ask why you're starfished on the floor?"

Andrew sluggishly pointed upwards. "Bowl. High. Jumped. Fell."

Neil nodded knowingly. Andrew stared at him purposefully. Neil blinked.

Idiot.

"Get it for me," Andrew scowled with a well-aimed kick at Neil's ankles. Neil's eyes widened before filling with mirth. He walked forward and sat down next to Andrew's side, running a hand through his blond hair. Andrew hated himself for leaning into the touch.

"Aww, what's wrong?" Neil cooed. "Can't reach it?"

What a fucking asshole.

Andrew shot Neil a glare — he could admit that it probably wasn't super effective considering that he was on the floor with his not-boyfriend carding his fingers through his hair, but it was the thought that counted, okay! — and Neil gave him an amused look before pushing himself off the ground.

He shuffled around Andrew's limp body before giving an exasperated sigh.

"Andrew."

"Junkie."

"There is a stepstool right here."

"Yes."

"You didn't use it."

"No."

"... Why?"

Andrew shrugged in response.

He heard Neil grumbling under his breath and, a few seconds later, was rewarded with Neil's gross socks in front of his face as he went on the tips of his toes to grab at the bowl. Andrew glanced up and noticed that Neil's shorts were delightfully loose around his thighs.

Nice.

He indulged himself in the view until Neil dropped back down on the balls of his feet, holding the bowl proudly.

"Got it!" he grinned down at Andrew and flopped back down on the floor, pulling Andrew into a sitting position. Neil pressed up against him after a quick 'yes or no?' and handed over the bowl so Andrew.

"That was not fair," Andrew grumbled after a few minutes of calm silence. "You did that so easily. You're barely taller than me."

Neil nudged his shoulder and planted a kiss to the side of his head. "It's okay," he gave an annoyingly soft look. "I'll always be there to help you, whenever you need it."

Andrew huffed. "I did not ask for sentimentality, Josten. Just a bowl."

Irritatingly, this caused Neil to laugh a bit. "Okay, okay, I'll leave you with your precious bowl." He moved to get up and pressed a chaste kiss to Andrew's lips. "But for what it's worth, I think your size is perfect."

He left Andrew missing the warmth of Neil's body beside him before his brain caught up to what Neil just said.

"Josten. Josten! Was that a fucking dick joke?"

2.

There were moments where Andrew desperately wanted to burn Neil's clothing. He understood that they were remnants of past habits that were hard to break, but surely having this many gray and brown shirts had to be criminal.

Andrew refused to be seen kissing such a heathen in public but he really only knew how to put Neil in hot club clothes rather than hot casual clothes. And so, for the sake of humanity (and his dignity), he swallowed his pride and met up with Allison Fucking Reynolds.

Their plan to snatch up Neil from the Exy court to take him shopping at the mall appeared to be going well. So far, they'd bought him some shirts, artfully ripped jeans, denim jackets, and an actually functional pair of shoes. Neil, for all his stamina, looked like he was about to collapse from the weight of the bags, so Allison and Andrew took pity on him and decided to take a lunch break.

The three of them reached the food court and made their way to a noodle shop (after Andrew extracted a promise that he could get some ice cream afterwards). He and Allison sat Neil down on a bench to guard their massive pile of bags before going up to order.

By the time they were at the front of the line, Andrew was fully prepared to stab Reynolds in the middle of the mall. In a span of five minutes, she had managed to ask him about his and Neil's sex life, when they got together, what Neil's exact sexuality was, and had Andrew ever painted his nails?

He resolutely refused to answer any of those questions, on the principle that she didn't need more money from bets than she already had.

They ordered quickly, Andrew eager to get away from Reynolds, when the cashier said something that made him stop in his tracks.

"We actually have a discount right now for kids under 12!" she said smiling. "Is that something you'd be interested in?"

Andrew squinted. Why the hell would they—

Oh. Oh no, no, no.

Allison seemed to come to the same realization that he did, because she smiled wide and tapped her nails against the counter.

"Oh, that's just perfect!" she exclaimed. "Aaron here just turned 11 a few months ago. We'll take the discount."

Aaron?!

Andrew was going to kill her.

He was still planning bloody murder as Reynolds brought their tray of food to the table. He sat down with a scowl, and though Neil shot him a curious glance, he didn't push it.

Stupid considerate junkie.

Andrew muttered a percentage under his breath and proceeded to poke Neil in the cheek with his chopsticks. After a few moments of this, Neil turned to him with a scowl.

"Andrew," he grumbled. "What are you doing?"

Andrew glared at Reynolds.

Neil gave a resigned sigh and turned to her. "Allison. What happened?"

Reynolds smirked. "Oh, nothing much. Just that the cashier thought that your boy was a literal child and gave us a discount for kids 12 and under. I told her that it was great because Aaron over there," she jabbed a finger towards Andrew. "just turned 11."

Neil looked like he was biting back a laugh but then frowned. "Okay, but arms."

"True," Reynolds conceded. "However, consider this: tiny."

The two idiots nodded like they'd figured out some indispensable secret of the universe.

Frustrated, Andrew went back to poking Neil's face; when he finally glanced back, Andrew nudged his arms and shuffled a bit closer. Thankfully, Neil actually got the hint for once and scraped featherlight fingers into Andrew's hair.

"It's okay," Neil tried. "I mean, at the end of the day, all of us are just broke college kids—"

"I'm not," Allison interrupted.

Neil rolled his stupid, pretty eyes. "Okay, most of us are broke college kids—"

"Don't you have a bunch of mafia blood money and stuff?" Reynolds asked.

"Beside the point," Neil huffed. "Fine, Andrew, you are a broke college kid—" "Gee, thanks." "— and so you should be grateful that your height is saving you some money."

"That is dumb."

"You're dumb."

"How creative."

Neil scowled and tugged on Andrew's hair. "Shut up. Drama queen."

Andrew stabbed a piece of stir fry into Neil's mouth to close that damn mouth and resolutely ignored the click of Allison's phone camera.

3.

This was proving to be a problem.

Andrew stared at his $150 jeans, the bottom of the legs frayed and pale. He had just bought these two weeks ago. What a waste of money.

There really was only one thing left to do.

Minutes later, Andrew slammed open the door to his brother's dorm and dragged him out with Aaron demanding to know where they were going. By the time he had wrestled his idiot doppelganger to the car, Andrew was reaching. his. fucking. limit.

"Andrew, if you don't tell me where we're going, I swear I'll bite you. I'll push Neil off a treadmill and dump a bucket of mud on him. I'll throw all your ice cream in the trash. I'll—"

That last one was simply too far. He'd have to give Aaron some ground.

"Get in, loser," Andrew glared. "We're going shopping."

Thankfully, he managed to keep Aaron quiet until they reached the mall by letting him pick the music (it was country! Southern heathen). What a child.

Rich coming from you, a voice told him snidely. You can't even buy clothes for yourself properly.

Shut up, he scolded himself.

"Andrew," Aaron sighed exasperatedly when they reached the parking lot. "Can you finally tell me what we're shopping for?"

They got out of the car and Andrew raised an eyebrow as he faced Aaron. "Sex toys."

"WHAT THE FU— "

Andrew watched his brother's face turn red as he sputtered, before noticing the amusement in his face.

Aaron deflated. "Asshole," he grumped.

"Yeah, that is generally where the dildo goes."

"Shut up. I'm begging you."

Andrew decided to take pity on him and stabbed a finger towards Aaron's legs. "When did you buy those."

Aaron squinted. "My jeans?" At Andrew's nod, he looked confused. "Uh, like three or four months ago maybe. Why?"

Three or four months?! That was simply unacceptable.

"They are still in good quality," Andrew said slowly.

"...Yes?" Aaron looked lost for a few moments before his face brightened with pure, evil glee. Andrew hated the world more in that moment than he ever had before. "Oh my God. Oh my God. Are your jeans too long for you?"

"Be quiet," he snapped. "You just need to show me where you buy yours and never mention this to anyone or I'll stab you."

Aaron didn't seem as concerned as he should have been. "I don't need to do anything, dumbass. Why don't you just cuff them like me?"

"I refuse to look like a bisexual disaster."

"Hey," Aaron looked mildly offended. "That's not a bisexual thing. Right?" At Andrew's blank look, his eyes widened. "No. Oh shit. Is that why guys keep hitting on me at Eden's?"

Andrew actually blinked at that. He had not realized that his brother was really that stupid. "Aaron. Eden's is a gay bar. Obviously men will hit on you."

"Wait, it's a what— "

"Be quiet. You are coming with me now." He dragged his brother to the mall entrance as Aaron bumbled along behind him, swearing incoherently.

They weaved their way through what seemed like a million stores until Andrew walked out hours later, finally satisfied with his new haul of jeans that Aaron had oh-so-considerately helped to pick out, a few hundred dollars poorer, and two churros and an iced coffee fuller.

Andrew trudged up the stairs to his floor (perhaps this was a workout he should regularly implement in his exercise regime) while Aaron split off to find some study group or other.

By the time he reached his dorm, Andrew felt far more exhausted than the situation warranted and he blindly chucked the bags on the sofa, belatedly realizing that Neil was already sitting where the bags would land. Oops.

He sat down by Neil like the throw was entirely intentional as Neil sputtered when the plastic smacked him in the face.

"What's all this?" the junkie questioned. For fuck's sake, why did his eyes have to be so blue?

Andrew just gestured for him to take the clothes out and saw as Neil's face grew confused when he saw what he was holding.

"Jeans? Didn't you literally buy some like a week ago?"

"Two," Andrew corrected, because he was a petty bitch if nothing else. Neil rolled his stupid eyes at that but waited for Andrew to provide an explanation. Andrew heaved a regretful sigh. "The bottom of them are all frayed now"

"Frayed?" the striker's brows furrowed before his face cleared and a shit-eating smirk crossed his face. "Wait, wait, wait. Are you saying you were too short for your jeans?"

Andrew nearly stabbed him right then and there.

"Shut. Up."

"Oh my gosh. Andrew. Andrew."

When Andrew got up (not grumpily. never grumpily. (okay, maybe a little grumpily)), Neil tugged on his shirt sleeve with an apologetic grin. "Sorry, sorry, I'll stop making fun," but his eyes were squinted as he tried not to laugh and his face was flushed and his lips were red as he bit on them, and honestly, how was Andrew expected to stay annoyed after seeing that?

"I mean," Neil continued. "You're paying with whatever you have left of Tilda's life insurance, right? And it's technically her fault you're so, uh... vertically challenged because of the drugs and shit. So you buying all these jeans are like a big "fuck you" to her!"

Andrew blinked slowly at his not-boyfriend's not-cute not-endearing hand-waving and decided he could take a hit to his reputation if it kept Neil glowing like this. "Josten. Are you saying that being short is literally in my jeans?"

"Holy shit, yes."

4.

To be fair, he had been warned. This was probably his own fault. Which he would never admit, but whatever.

It had started fine enough.

Andrew had been smoking by the windowsill as he waited for Neil to come back from his class. It was raining heavily and he felt a comfortable laze settle in his bones, so he didn't bother to open the window, despite Kevin's complaints.

"Andrew, stop smoking in here. If you want to destroy your lungs, at least do it away from me."

"Shut up and watch your damn Exy, Day."

He shut up and watched his damn Exy.

Andrew let the sounds of the game wash over him as he let his eyes droop (when did Exy become... relaxing to him? That was moderately concerning), so by the time he realized that there was an incessant beeping sound in the background, everything was too far gone to not have gone to shit.

His body finally jolted into action when he finally registered that the smoke alarm was blaring in their dorm and he heard yells coming from outside in the hallway, which probably meant an RA or some other Foxes were about to burst in and see him smoking where he wasn't supposed to. For the third time this month.

Crap.

"Day. Day! Get off your fucking computer and turn off the alarm," he hissed as he (gracefully) scrambled to the kitchen to find a towel.

"Hmm?" Kevin hummed blearily. "Oh. That. Well, I told you so."

Andrew simply could not believe it. (Well, maybe he could a bit. Kevin was just that kind of asshole frie— person.)

By the time he dampened a towel (wow, they really needed to do the dishes sometime soon), the shouts were right outside the door and he heard keys jingling in the lock. Quickly he scrambled up the table, but in his haste, kicked over a glass of water (vodka? Sprite? whatever).

He tripped over slightly and his foot splashed into the puddle on the table, causing him to cringe internally. His sock felt horribly wet and tingly, and it was nearly enough to distract him from the creaking of the door opening. Quickly, he reached up, flapping the towel near the smoke alarm to turn it off.

It wasn't enough. He couldn't reach the alarm.

In a split-second, he decided to just fuck it and leapt up to see if that would work. However, the uncomfortable feeling in his feet and the stupid smoke alarm and the fucking banging of the door made him severely misjudge his strength.

Andrew jumped a lot further forward than he expected. He flew through the air, one foot catching on the top of a chair, the other stabbed by the edge of the table. In a futile attempt to gain his balance, Andrew flailed his arms around, but that just caused the towel to smack him in the face.

Eventually, gravity took hold of him and he (and the chair) crashed into the floor, the towel mockingly flopping on his hair. Blearily, he raised his head up and saw Neil and their RA staring at him concernedly from the doorway.

Well, this was awkward. At least the beeping had stopped.

Their RA, an unfortunately attractive tennis player named Richard Addams (Nicky found it hilarious that their RA's initials were R.A.. Andrew called him 'Certified Dick™'), stepped in cautiously. "Andrew, everything okay?"

"Just peachy," he grumbled.

Neil ran to Andrew's side at the sound of his voice and pushed his blond hair out of his face. "Why peaches? They're honestly not even that good; I can only stand the really big and thick and juicy ones."

Andrew froze and even Kevin closed his laptop that. "Neil," Certified Dick™ said slowly. "Do you know what peaches are?"

"Duh," he rolled his eyes. "Fruit. That's why Nicky has a peach next to my name in his contacts. Because I like fruits."

Idiot.

"It means 'ass,' " Andrew informed him. Neil gaped.

"It means wha— "

"Okay," Certified Dick™ exclaimed cheerfully. "I'm gonna leave y'all here. Andrew, I'll assume you weren't doing anything against the rules because you are a kind person who always listens to what I say."

"Of course," Andrew said blandly. "I am a wonderful student." He fingered the edges of his armbands.

Certified Dick™ slowly backed out of the room.

Neil let out a breath and blew his hair out of his eyes. "Okay," he started. "We'll talk about the ass thing later. But first, what the hell just happened?"

Andrew pointed up at the smoke alarm.

"Well, yes, I got that, but why were you jumping around like an absolute idiot?"

"Kevin is useless," Andrew announced.

"Not true!" Kevin protested immediately. "You just never listen to me. It's not my fault that I'm always right."

Andrew glared at him and turned back to Neil. "I couldn't reach the stupid smoke alarm," he finally gritted out, bracing for someone to mock him.

It never came.

Instead, Neil gave him a cheeky grin and a wink (at least, Andrew assumed it was a wink) and turned to Kevin with a faux-annoyed stare. "Seriously, Kev? You didn't help him?"

"He got himself into his own mess," Kevin shrugged.

"Okay, and what if someone had caught him? They might have not allowed him to play Exy for a bit! Or maybe while he was trying to shut off the alarm, he could have really hurt himself!" Neil was really laying it heavy on the dramatics, brandishing his arms wildly.

Kevin's eyes widened in horror at his words. "Shit."

"Yeah," Neil nodded graveley. "Us Exy players have got to look out for each other. How else will we live to our potentials?"

Kevin looked like he was going to be sick. Quickly, he whipped open his laptop and began muttering questions on how to secretly disable smoke alarms.

"Junkie," Andrew muttered to Neil. Neil just hummed and pressed a kiss to the crook of his neck.

"Yeah," he whispered a few moments later. "Only for you."

5.

Hmm. This was nice.

Andrew never could have imagined he would be the kind of guy to stumble over furniture while kissing his way through a room, and yet, here he was, crashing into tables and upturning chairs and tripping over bags.

He had Neil's fingers intertwined with his and was dragging him through the dorm, the kisses constantly pausing because Neil kept breaking off into small smiles and laughing into his neck. Every few steps, Andrew would take a look at his flushed junkie and absolutely forget about his plan to reach the bedroom, choosing instead to kiss him ferociously right there.

They were lucky that no one else was in the dorm.

When Andrew realized that it had taken them a solid seven minutes to walk about 15 feet past the door, he realized they would probably never reach an actual bed at the rate they were going. He told Neil as much and was rewarded with a shrug.

"I literally don't care where we end up," Neil said breathlessly before pulling him into another heated kiss. "I just wanna kiss you."

Andrew nearly snorted at that. How predictable. "I got that" he muttered. "But what do you want?"

Neil raised an eyebrow and deepened his voice mockingly. "I want nothing."

"You are actually so insufferable."

"Yeah, yeah," Neil waved him off and latched his mouth on Andrew's neck. Fuck. "Hmm," he said a few moments later. "Carry me?"

Andrew resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Ever since the junkie had seen how much he lifted at the gym a few weeks ago, this had become one of his favorite requests (and really, who was Andrew to deny him?).

Nevertheless, he leaned down and grabbed both of Neil's thighs, pushing him up until his legs were secured around Andrew's waist and Andrew could comfortably hold him up, his body flush against Andrew's.

Yeah, he got why Neil liked this so much.

He wasn't sure how long he'd be able to hold Neil up for though, considering that they actually had a game tomorrow and he didn't want to put up with Kevin's annoying complaints if he didn't try at least a bit. Andrew glanced around for a second before his eyes caught on the perfect place.

He adjusted his grip on Neil, causing him to let out an oof in surprise and carefully made his way to the kitchen (with only a slight amount of kissing in the middle). Andrew messily deposited Neil on the island counter and was promptly faced with another problem.

Neil was up there. Andrew was down here. How the hell were they supposed to make out now?

Andrew frowned slightly and tugged at Neil's collar. "Lean down," he commanded.

Neil complied and pressed a searing kiss to his lips, tugging at Andrew's hair, but too soon he pulled back.

At Andrew's 'yes or no?' Neil smiled down sheepishly. "It's a yes, but this angle's going to end up destroying my back."

That made no sense — whenever Andrew sat on the counter, he never had to lean down that much. He reasoned that the weight of being an Exy junkie was finally catching up to Neil's spine, though.

"Well," Andrew huffed. "I'm not going up on my toes."

"Why would you need to go on your toes?" Neil looked genuinely confused as Andrew frustratedly gestured at the air between them. "Wait, wait. Can you not reach me if I'm sitting up here?"

Andrew's thoughts came to a halt.

He pulled back (well, as much as he could while still staying in Neil's arms) and squinted suspiciously at his not-boyfriend. "Can you normally reach me when I sit up?"

"Well, yeah," Neil blinked. "I mean, I have to stretch a little bit but it's usually fine."

What.

Unceremoniously, Andrew yanked Neil off the counter and sat himself up (he pretended not to notice the stare that Neil gave when he flexed his arms). He hooked his ankles around Neil and dragged him closer, coming nearly forehead-to-forehead.

Forehead-to-forehead. Neil could reach him.

Andrew let out an uncharacteristic groan and dropped his head on Neil's surprisingly comfy shoulder. Neil snorted quietly and patted his head.

"It's okay, Drew," he said, his voice muffled but teasing as he pressed a kiss to the top of Andrew's head. "Maybe next time we can get you a stool or something. That'll be real attractive."

Andrew scowled and kicked him in the leg.

Neil's voice softened as he lowered his arms to rub soft circles on his back. "But I'm serious Andrew, it's okay." He pressed a soft kiss to Andrew's collarbone, the underside of his jaw, the corner of his lips. "Does this feel good?"

Andrew swallowed. Hiding from Neil was a fight he knew he'd lose, and there was no point prolonging the inevitable. "Yes."

"Then that's all I need. Making you feel good makes me feel good," he whispered. "I really like this, what we do right now. And if you want, we can still find more positions that feel really good. Don't stress, we have time."

"Hmm," Andrew said a few moments later. "That is all fine and well, but actually, we now only have about 20 minutes until Kevin comes back from class, and I would highly appreciate it if you could get me off sometime soon."

"Asshole. We were totally having a moment."

"Next to a bowl of apples."

"Rude. I bet those apples appreciated the conversation."

Andrew rolled his eyes at Neil's idiocy, but kissed him hard to convey everything he felt: you care, you listen, you are okay with me, you are safe for me. Neil seemed to get the message, because his body softened under Andrew's grip as he kissed him back eagerly.

When they finally pulled apart, Andrew felt heavy and sated and secure in the way he only associated with Neil. He looked into Neil's blown-out pupils, the blue peeking brightly at the edges of his eyes as he slowly brought Neil's hand to the waistband of his jeans.

"Right," Andrew tried for a nonchalant tone. The slight voice-crack may have betrayed him, but whatever. "Take off my pants now?"

+1

South Carolina winters were shit.

Growing up in Oakland meant that he was pretty used to cold winters and hot summers, but usually things only got unbearably chilly at night, when he could pile tons of blankets on himself. Unfortunately, winters in the South brought biting wind and snow. All day long.

Andrew hated the cold (sure, he could walk around with a blanket draped over him like a cape in his dorm (he did. occasionally), but alas, he actually had a reputation to uphold)

And yet, when Nicky and Dan enthusiastically told Neil about their stupid plan and Neil had sent a stupid questioning gaze to Andrew's stupid face, he sure as fuck couldn't use "the cold" as an excuse to deny those eyes.

So he bundled up into a turtleneck, a sweater, a thin jacket and a snow one, a beanie, a pair of gloves, leggings and then sweatpants, and his warmest socks (Andrew decidedly ignored Neil's snickers, who was annoying dressed in just a long-sleeved shirt and jeans. how rude.)

The so-called Monsters trampled down to the parking lot outside the Tower, boots sinking deep into the snow. Andrew shivered at the sudden wind and if he walked a little closer to Neil's hot warm body — well, no one needed to know.

Within seconds of their arrival, Andrew was regretting coming out.

A massive snowball soared through the air and slammed into Aaron's face, who promptly fell on his ass from the force of it.

"What the fuck?" he sputtered, wiping snow out of his eyes.

"HA!" Reynolds hollered. "Take that!"

"Oh dear," Neil muttered. "I didn't expect this much violence from the start."

"We are Foxes," Andrew scoffed. "Violence is the whole point."

"Actually, there's this one piece of shit in my Stats class and he tried to tell me I was wrong — I wasn't, by the way — and instead of punching him, I just very mathematically proved how incompetent he was and I told him that his parents' miscalculation when it came to conceiving him evidently got passed on to him in the form of his nonexistent math skills. So. No violence."

Andrew wasn't sure if he should kiss Neil or smack him. "Right. Because verbal annihilation is a very tame response."

"Since when have you been such a peacemaker?"

"Renee."

"You two literally beat the shit out of each other every week."

Andrew shrugged. "Semantics."

"I really don't think— "

Their conversation was rudely interrupted by Matt throwing a snowball mere inches away from Andrew's face. At his glare, Matt promptly ran behind a car.

"Neil," Andrew sighed. "I hate you."

"I didn't force you to be here," Neil pointed out. "Could've said no. What did Nicky call you? 'Whipped.' So ha." With that profound statement, Neil ducked and dumped a handful of snow down the back of Andrew's shirt.

"Ha," Andrew said back smugly. "Layers." Neil looked betrayed.

"Layers. I forgot."

"I didn't."

"Asshole."

"Yup."

Neil scowled and kicked at Andrew's highly sturdy snow boots petulantly. Andrew refrained from rolling his eyes turned towards him. "Yes or no?"

"Oh," Neil perked up. Junkie. "Yes, yes."

Andrew jabbed him in the stomach and when Neil keeled over groaning, he pressed a kiss to his lips and shoved his head under Neil's chin.

"Personal heater," Andrew explained. Then he grabbed Neil's arms and tucked them around his waist. This was good.

"Right," Neil snorted. "Naturally. I can't wait until someone throws a snowball at your face and you get all cold and wet."

Andrew scowled. How rude.

"Oi, Minyard!" Dan called and Andrew sighed before wiggling around until he was facing her, back flush against Neil's front. "This is for drawing mustaches all over the pictures in the Court!"

Andrew raised an eyebrow. "You have no proof— "

His protests were cut off with the sight of a snowball hurtling full speed at him. He made to jump out of the way (maybe Exy was good for something after all), but Neil's arms around him proved to be a real hindrance.

As it was, he got jerked back into place, the snowball inches in front of him. Andrew shut his eyes, hoping he could use this as an excuse to drag Neil into the dorm to warm up, when he heard an "oof" from behind him.

Andrew twisted around to find Neil's face covered in an explosion of snow, water dripping down his shocked expression.

His eyelashes were nice. Hmm.

"Wh- What?" he shivered. "How is there snow on my face? Wasn't it supposed to land on you?"

Oh.

Andrew brushed off some snow that had settled on his cheekbones before stepping back a bit (still in Neil's arms. that was necessary). And Neil was right, it was odd, the snowball was supposed to hit him and instead, it had smashed itself on Neil.

"I believe," Andrew said slowly. "My height has proved to be advantageous."

"Advan— you mean you were so short the snowball literally missed you and hit me?!"

"Yup," Andrew felt extremely self-satisfied. "See, had you been shorter, this wouldn't have happened. Alas, there's just more of you to hit when you're tall."

"That— I— Andrew!"

"That's my name."

"Ugh. I am cold and wet and very much not liking this," Neil grumbled.

"Bet you wish you had as many jackets as me, huh?" Andrew crowed.

"You could always give one of them to me," Neil said as he yanked Andrew back against him.

"I could. Not feeling it, though."

"Bastard."

"Just a little," Andrew agreed. He tilted his head up to look at Neil and oh, that angle was good, his lips were right there, how did Andrew never notice that Neil's eyelashes framed his eyes so nicely?

Hmm. If this was the view, maybe his height had some... unforeseen perks that extended beyond snowball fighting.

"I win," Andrew told Neil seriously. At his confused expression, Andrew was forced to sigh out an explanation. "You are very pretty from down here."

"Oh?"

"Shut up."

"I think you're pretty too."

"198%."

"Kiss me?"

"Ugh, if you insist."

Andrew leaned up to press his lips to Neil, dutifully ignoring the cheers from behind him, as Neil placed a hand under his chin to tilt him up further, which felt very nice.

Yeah, Andrew was living the good life. He had a maybe-boyfriend who was the perfect height and a brother and cousin who might actually stay, and he was content and safe and— really fucking cold because there was a ball of snow sliding down his neck what the fuck what the fuck what the fu— .

"NICKY."

"Shit. Sorry!"

[killjoygem]

Okay!! I've now watched Spider Man with Toby Maguire, The Amazing Spider Man with Andrew Garfield and Spider Man Homecoming with Tom Holland

Overall I think I have to put my rankings at

3. Spiderman (2002). Its good but I just liked the others more

2. Spiderman Homecoming (2017). Very flawed as a spiderman movie but so fun to watch

1. The Amazing Spider-man (2012). All round great, lots of funny moments, great characterisation, decent action and sfx, and made me cry at least twice.

Some more comparisons under the cut

Comparing the spider men

In terms of generally just being a good spiderman, I rank Andrew Garfield's as the best, and Tom Holland's as the worst. As much as I love him, half the time tom hollands spidey seemed to cause more damage than he stopped, and he was far too eager to move onto bigger, "more important" things than defending his home

In terms of coolness as spiderman, Tom Holland comes last again. The fact he didn't jump off any really high buildings just for funsies is a tragedy. Andrew Garfield comes first, that handstand into the fall off the building was epic.

In terms of who was the biggest fucking nerd, Toby Maguires spiderman wins. They really sold the "absolute least popular guy in school" vibe. Tom Holland comes last again for this, he was a nerd but he was like, a socially acceptable nerd

Tom Holland's spiderman did the best at giving you the feeling he was just a kid, who was a little in over his head. I felt very protective of him through the movie, and the times when he missed out on school events bc he had other responsibilities was both heartbreaking and relatable

Comparing Aunt Mays and Uncle Bens

Out of the aunt mays, 2012 aunt may was my absolute favourite. Her bond with Peter was so good, despite not being his birth mother you can tell that he's a son to her, and vice versa. I love this one scene where its like. You can tell she knows, but she doesn't say anything. And the next time Peter comes home bloody and bruised, and with the damn eggs she just hugs him so tight like she doesnt want to let go.

I think 2017 aunt may was the hottest and funniest but she just didn't give the same emotional depth as 2012 aunt may, and I feel like we didnt see enough of her relationship with Peter. 2002 Aunt May was good but I didnt feel like anything particularly stood out with her, you could tell she really loved Peter though.

With Uncle Ben i obviously can't compare from the 2017 movie, because he wasn't in it. Out of the other two, I once again preferred 2012 uncle Ben, I dont know what it is but he just felt more like a loveable father figure, and I felt much more emotional when he died than I did when 2002 uncle Ben died. And that voicemail he left for peter made me cry again

Comparing love interests

Hard to compare because they're all completely different people. They all had really good characters but I think Gwen Stacy has to be my favourite. I feel like Gwen had the most character, and Liz had the least. I did like MJs (2002) character and story as well but idk, I just liked Gwen more. I think MJ just felt a bit like a damsel in distress at times. And Liz doesn't really have much character aside from generic high school love interest, I still liked her but I dont have particularly strong feelings about her

MJ (2017) doesn't become a love interest until the sequel but I figured I can compare the MJs too. Actually no I cant, I like them both equally. Again though, I feel like 2002 MJ actually had a story, whereas we didnt really know much about 2017 MJ

Comparing the friends

I dont recall Andrew Garfields spiderman really having any friends except Gwen so I'll leave him out of this. (I know Harry is in the sequel but ive not watched it yet)

Out of Harry and Ned, i think I actually prefer Ned. He just seems more fun to me, Harry seemed like a bit of a dick at times, which I dont mind too much but it still puts him below Ned in my mind

Comparing the movies generally

Over all I found the 2012 movie to be the best over all, it was really cool and exciting, really funny, super emotional. I just loved it a lot

I do think that 2017 spiderman was the funniest, all the films had points where I was laughing, but it definitely felt like there was more in Homecoming. In general Homecoming just felt very much like a "feel good" film, where as 2012 was a pure emotion rollercoaster, and I felt like 2002 leaned the most into the typical action genre.

--

Okay! I think that's all I have to say for now, I might come back and add more later if i think of anything

[madswritingvoid]

Afternoon Delight

Pairing: Max Phillips x f!reader

Words: 1.7k

Warnings: 18+ SEE YA MINORS, smut but like soft smut, oral sex (m), masturbation (f), unprotected p in v sex, cockwarming, blood, vampire stuff, Max Phillips is a warning lol

A/N: Yes I 100% think Max would want his name in your phone to be Vamp Daddy and no I will not be taking questions about it at this time. BUT here’s another smut piece about my vampire husband, because I love him.

(Tagging @jettia because apparently she likes pain and wanted to read this if I ended up posting it)

Max Phillips is annoying. Not a joke, or an exaggeration, just a fact. He’s smarmy, sleazy, sneaky, manipulative, seductive, exhausting, and all yours. As much as his “management style” (re: turning everyone into vampires), may seem unethical or out-of-the-box, he really knew how to turn a company around. Surprisingly, when he isn’t being a total frat boy asshole, he’s also a pretty awesome boyfriend. 

Yeah, sometimes you gotta remind him that no Max that isn’t funny or say that again and it’s a stake to the heart and the dick, but overall you know you love him and he loves you. He’d kill for you, literally. So when you hadn’t received your morning “show me your boobs, babe” wake-up text, you knew something was up.

With his cocky attitude and air of self-assurance, you’ve never seen anything really make Max sweat. Not until two nights ago when he said his bosses, the big bag vamps, were coming down for a branch visit today. You glance over at your phone to check the time and saw it was almost lunchtime for you both and decide to shoot him a quick text.

You: I know yours came in today but how’s my big bad vamp doing? xxx

Vamp Daddy🧛🏻‍♂️:   :(((((((((((((

You: Is someone in the need for......

Vamp Daddy🧛🏻‍♂️: yes

You: an afternoon delight?

You: You could have let me finish, but okay.

Grateful you were working from home today, you sent off a final email and decided to take a half day, knowing Max would really need some help to relax. 

You slinked off to your bedroom and changed out of your work-appropriate but very casual matching sweat set to slip into one of Max’s favourite sundresses you have- a deep cranberry with black lace around the bottom and on the chest highlighting your boobs, Max’s favourite, and the length hitting just above your knees made it “easy access” in his words. You keep your natural Zoom meeting makeup on and opt for a quick swipe of your favourite deep red lipstick to match the dress, ready to make Max’s afternoon.

Walking into the familiar office building you can immediately feel the energy is off. Not that it wasn’t always weird, since almost everyone in here was dead, but today it was even worse. Too quiet, too cold. You almost wanted to crack a “jeez, who died?” joke to lighten the mood, but you got the feeling today was not the day and walked right into Max’s office.

“Awww baby, what’s all this?” You coo as you glide over to him. What a sight he is. He’s sitting in his big office chair with his head right on the desk, long arms splayed out in front of him making his big hands hang over the desk’s edge. A total look of defeat. Hearing your voice Max’s head shoots up and immediately you’re hit with a classic Phillips pout, puppy dog eyes in full effect. “Baaaaabe,” he whines while making grabby hands at you until you’re finally within reach. 

Pulling you into his lap, he buries his face in your neck, rubbing his nose up and down the column of your throat as your hands make their way into his hair, massaging his scalp. “Maxie, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” You’re only met with a heavy sigh as he takes his head and burrows between your boobs, “Everything,” he mumbles against your chest. “They loved my presentation, but hated the office,” he grumbles.

“Well, that’s easy to fix, we can go out this weekend and get some new decor to liven up the place,” you grin and start really going to town on his scalp making Max almost purr and lean into your touch more. Before you could offer more support he started shaking his head, motorboating you but you could tell his heart wasn’t in it.

“No babe,” he sulks, finally lifting his head up to meet your eyes again, “they hated everyone in the office. Said Andrew was weird and Dave had an ‘offputting’ quality. He’s dead! Almost all of us are dead! What do they expect? And that’s not even the worst part!!!” He moans, “he hated everyone, but liked Evan?” You actually gasp, no one likes Evan. He’s so mopey and annoying, especially after Max bounced back from Evan almost murdering him, showing up to work the following Monday as if nothing happened. “Oh baby, that doesn’t make any fucking sense, I’m so sorry,” you soothe him as your hands move from his hair and start to make their way down to his belt.

Realizing what you’re doing, Max’s whole mood changes. Smirking, he puts on a much more playful pout, “yeah baby,” he coos, “it’s been real hard. But now that you’re here something else has got real hard too, and I think I know how to fix that.” You slide off his lap and onto the floor quickly, Max lifting you up for a moment to slide his now folded suit jacket under your knees in a surprising moment of kindness. Pressing a kiss to his knee as a thank you, you make quick work of his belt and pants and pull out his hardening cock. As you begin to stroke him slowly you make eye contact and spit right on his dick, making him groan.

“Love you baby, let me make you feel good,” you say before taking the tip of his cock in your mouth, swirling you tongue around him and licking the salty precum that was already leaking from him. As you continue to work more of him into your mouth, you can feel Max absolutely melt into his leather chair and take whatever you give him. “That’s it baby, always so so good, always know what I need,” he praises and you moan around his length, the compliment going straight to your core.

Not being able to take it anymore, you snake the hand not pumping the part of him you can fit in your mouth, you slide your hands underneath your underwear and start circling your clit. You moan around his length again and Max slightly bucks his hips, sending him farther down your throat. “Fuuuuuck yes, sweet cheeks, that’s it,” he can’t stop it now as his hips start a shallow bit steady rhythm as he fucks into your mouth. Letting him take what you need you slide two fingers into your dripping pussy, using the heel of your hand to keep rubbing your clit while you pump your fingers.

The only sounds filling the office are Max’s groans and the wet noise of you fucking yourself on your hand. You can tell Max is close because his pace quickens and you can hear the chair arm rests groan under his tight grip until he gives one final thrust, shooting his load right down your throat. Making sure you don’t waste a drop, you continue softly sucking the tip of him as you start to chase your own high until Max uses his vampire speed and strength to take your hand out of your underwear and move you back into his lap. You whine at the loss of your orgasm and stare with lust filled eyes as Max takes the hand that was just inside you and cleans your fingers of the slick covering them.

“Now sweets, you’ve been so good to me, I figured letting you cum on my cock would be an appropriate thank you,” booping your nose he gives a little tug to rip your panties right off and sink you down on his still hard length. Your eyes roll back and you let out a high pitched moan at the stretch, you were already so wet from earlier he was able to push in with no resistance. “There it is champ,” he chuckles, “here’s your reward.” Putting his hands firmly on your hips he starts to move you up and down on his length, his hips meeting you with each thrust. All you can do is throw your arms around his neck to hold on, chanting his name as he hits that sweet spot over and over.

“Had s-such a bad day baby,” he growls, “but this- this pussy always does the trick,” you clench at the praise causing him to thrust a little harder. Knowing your so close to falling over the edge, you decide to give Max another treat, “B-baby,” you whimper, “f-feels so good. I’m so close, b-bite me,” his hips stutter before his pace resumes again. Grabbing your jaw he makes you meet his eyes and asks, “fuck, I love you, but are you sure? You don’t have to-” he groans as you clench around him again, your walls fluttering as the coil continues to tighten. “Yes! Fuck,” you babble, “I’m gonna come baby please,” you run your fingers through his hair and pull his face into your neck.

Feeling how much you’re gripping his length, Max licks across your pulse point and gives the area a little kiss before sinking his teeth into the soft skin. Once you feel his fangs break through, the coil snaps, and you absolutely gush all over his cock. You continue to moan as Max works you through your high as he continues to drink from you. Tugging on his hair twice to tell him to stop, Max stops thrusting into you and licks over the bite marks, his spit healing them instantly. Kissing your neck again you hear a mumbled, “thank you baby,” as Max wraps his arms around you.

You sit there for what feels like forever, him still seated inside of you while you go back to massaging his scalp. Noticing the time you attempt to get up, “Max! Honey, your lunch break has definitely been over I should go home,” his grip tightens around you as you get hit with puppy dog eyes again. “You could go home,” he agrees, “or you could just stay right here with me inside of you while I finish this report. I’m the boss, I can always leave early for my baby,” he gives your ass a gentle slap causing you to clench around him again. Groaning, he leans down to press a kiss to your temple, “besides I’ll definitely want to have you at least one more time before we go. Why don’t you have a little nap on big ol’ me?” He jokes, but you can’t bring yourself to make a come back, already feeling your lids grow tired from what just happened.

Nuzzling into his neck, you give his skin little kisses, “sounds good baby,” you slur, “sounds real good.”

[omg-im-such-a-masochist]

🧰🔧PAUL IN BLUE OVERALLS🔧🧰

Prompt: One innocent sexual fantasy will lead Y/N directly into “Paul’s” faithful services.

Word Count: Long-ish

Pairings: Drew McIntyre x Reader

Warnings: +18, smut, sexual fantasy, roleplay, oral sex (female and male receiving), masturbation (male and female), cursing, name calling.

Tag: @akiko-tanaka , @blondekel77 , @marlananicole , @theworldofotps , @new-zealand-chic , @drew-is-boo

Notes: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU *clap, clap*. Today is @drewmcintyrekoccsrocbwdgfan birthday and what better way to celebrate it than with a Daddy McIntyre smut? This whole idea came from one (of the many) conversations Des and I have, she casually mentioned this and I wanted to use it as a birthday gift to her for being such an amazing friend to me 🥰 Thank you Des, for everything and here’s to many more smutty birthdays yet to come 🥂😘. Y’all know the drill loves,sorry for misspellings,english isn’t my first language (bla bla bla),check out my other stories on my Masterlist if you’d like to(it would make your girl here very happy 😊) and my newest story as a fixed post. Okay,now let’s get to the fun part, shall we? Hope you’ll enjoy 😉

“Tell me one secret fantasy you have” Drew smirked

“If I tell you then it’s not a secret anymore is it?” I smugly smiled

“C’mon, Y/N! What’s wrong with you telling your husband a fantasy that you have?”

“I don’t have any” I lied

“Bullshit, everyone has it! And I find it hard to believe that you don’t have any with the amount of sex we have” He smirked

“Ok fine, I have it!”

“Ha! I knew it!” Drew proudly grinned

“But I won’t tell you”

His grin faded away “Why?”

“Because no, Drew” I start to scroll through my phone pretending to do something important

“I know you’re using your phone to avoid me, you know?!” He cackled

“Tell me one of yours then” I say, refusing to talk about my fantasy

“I always tell you my fantasies, woman!”

“Well-“ I start, but Drew interrupts me

“And you always make them come true so why don’t you tell me yours so I can do the same? Y/N, my love. We’re married for fuck sake! Why are you acting like a peasant girl who’s ankles I just saw?” He chuckled and I huffed

“C’mon princess, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s just me, love” He coos

“Promise me you won’t laugh?”

“I promise. Scouts word” He crosses his chest

“Ok, so I... I always thought about you know...I always wanted to fuck a porn star. But, those trashy ones, with the cheesy lines, like where the guy is a plumber or a construction worker or even the gardener” I can feel my cheeks burning with embarrassment

The room is silent, too silent. So I look up at Drew to find him struggling to hold back a laugh but failing completely when he meets my eyes

“You promised me you wouldn’t laugh!” I got up from the couch to leave the room, but Drew was faster, grabbing my arm and pulling me towards his lap

“No! I don’t want to talk to you! I’ll never tell you anything ever again Andrew!” I fight to free myself from his hand, but it was pointless. He successfully made me sit on his lap

“I’m not laughing at your fantasy love, I’m laughing at your reaction to it” He chuckled

“Shut up!” I bitterly said

“You looked so cute, all embarrassed like that because of a pretty simple fantasy. My peasant girl” He teased

I look at him with a frown and a pout

“Awww, don’t make that face, love. I could never laugh at you, you know that” Drew smooch me “Why haven’t you told me before?”

“Because it’s dumb and embarrassing!” I mumbled

“No it isn’t!” He hugged me tighter “It’s a simple fantasy. It shouldn’t take us long to put it together and-“

“We’re not doing it!” I cut him off

“Why not?”

“Because” I sigh “I’m gonna feel stupid doing it and it will turn me off” I lied so maybe he’ll let it go

“Y/N, baby c’mon, don’t be so grumpy” He tries to convince me “There’s no reason for you to feel ashamed, love. We’ve done way worst than that!” He lightly chuckled, trying to lift my mood up

“Can we drop it for now?” I look into his piercing blue eyes “Please, Drew?”

“Ok, ok...I dropped it” He reluctantly said as he caresses my thigh

ONE WEEK LATER

“You have got to be fucking kidding me” I muted under my breath

“Drew?” I call

“Yep” He peeks through the door

“This damn thing is leaking” I pointed towards the en suite bathroom faucet

“Oh shit, that’s why I heard some water dripping last night”

“Really babe?” I ask exasperated

“What? I thought it was one of the cats!”

I rolled my eyes “I already tried everything and it won’t stop. We have to call a plumber”

“Ok, I’ll call one”

I give a little tug on his t-shirt, a sign for him to lean down so I can kiss him “Thank you. I have to go or I’ll get late” I kiss him again

“Ok. Oh, I may not be here when you come back. I‘m gonna work out in the afternoon”

“Ok baby, have a nice day” I smiled

“Oh I will, love. And you will too” He smirked

And I make my way downstairs utterly confused with what Drew just said.

......................................................................

I got home from work and Drew, faithful to his word, wasn’t there. I make my way upstairs to our bedroom so I can take a shower and relax, when the sight of a pair of black worn out boots and blue overalls made me stop at the foot of the bed.

A man had his face tucked into the underside of the sink, while his hands fidget with the siphon. The position of his hands made impossible for me to look at his face.

*I can’t believe Andrew left a stranger alone in our house! I’m gonna kill you Drew* I thought

I was growing a little nervous to be alone with this strange man at my house. He was huge! Tall and broad and a part of me got a little intimidated by it, but I swallowed my fear and asked

“Excuse me, sir?” I voice was trembling

He grunts in response

“I’m sorry, I- I don’t mean to interrupt your work but could you please tell me when are you going to be done?” My voice was still shaky

“I don’t know, it depends” He answer with a thick foreign accent

“Depends on what, sir?” I murmured

“If the lady will want the complete service” He got up from the floor and my mouth dropped

“ANDREW, YOU FUCKER! YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME!” I yelled

“Name is Paul, miss” He comes closer

“This is not funny, you know? Jesus Christ, I thought you left a stranger here by himself. And I was scared as fuck, thinking I would be alone with this random man at home..” I trail off as he stopped in front of me

“Will you want the complete service, miss?”

“Complete service?” I mumbled

He only smirked

“What is the complete service?” I whispered

“Well, I can help you with your wetness situation” Drew tilts his head to the side to stare at my ass “It will only take a long, thick and hard pipe” He grabs a handful of his bulge

And I couldn’t help but laugh

“Drew, don’t be ridiculous, lo- Oh shit!” I gasp in surprise with his hand laying forcefully against my ass cheek

“I already told you the name is Paul, miss”

He was so into this roleplay thing that I decided to not be the cock block and play along.

“Look, Paul” I begin and he happily smiled “I don’t know what services you want to offer but, I’m married” I pointed to my wedding ring

“I’m not jealous” He smirked

“But he is” I respond

He shake his head “He will only be if he finds out. I’m not gonna tell him, are you?” The determination upon his gaze was, to say the least, lustful.

“I’m not gonna tell him, because nothing will happen” I play hard to get

“Are you sure?” He tilted his head to stare at my backside once more “I’ve seen that pathetic excuse of what you call husband and I’m absolute certain he can’t handle all of that” He points with his chin to my ass

“He can” I weakly said

Drew arched his eyebrow “Can he though? Are you trying to convince me or yourself of that, sugar?” He cackled “You see, to me, it looks like you need a real man to fuck you, to ruin you, to make a good use out of that sweet pussy” He grabbed his erection through the fabric, easily taking a handful “And I’m a real man sweetheart” He took my hand, making me cup his hard on “This cock will fill you up in ways you never thought it was possible before. It will make you forget about that pitiful husband of yours. This dick will make you feel like a real woman being fucked by a real man, it will make you feel so fucking good you will never want him to touch you again” He smirks

And all I can do is squeeze his length in consent.

Drew quickly undressed me, tossing me onto the bed as he pulled the overalls down his torso painfully slow. The vision of his dark hair laying around his broad shoulders, his bare chest and abdomen with the upper part of the overalls around his hips made me moan

“Fuck babe, you look so fucking hot like that! I’m one lucky bitch!” I murmur, making him lowly growl and attack my lips in a famished kiss

Drew traveled his lips along my neck, collarbone, top of my breasts and nipples.

He holds both breasts on his hand, squeezing them together so he can fastly go from one nipple to the other.

He licked, sucked and lightly scraped his teeth on each bud, kneading the soft flesh underneath his palms and fingers with gentle yet firm touches.

He roamed down to my mound. Reaping my lace panties apart so he can stare at my leaking core.

“Look at this beautiful pussy” Drew gave me a long lick “Are you dripping like this just from playing with your tits, love?”

I nod “Yeah, because you’re so fucking good at it”

He smirked and placed a gentle kiss on my clit, making me whine.

“You’re so responsive, I love that” He gives me some kitten licks before continuing “I bet that jackass husband of yours never eats this pussy, does he?”

I shake my head, making Drew click his tongue in disapproval.

“What a shame, love. Such a beautiful, sweet, wet pussy just waiting to be eaten” He gave me a long teasing lick “Would you like that, princess? Would you like me to eat your pussy until you cum all over my mouth?”

“Yes, please” I panted

Drew stepped back to get rid of the overalls and underwear. He slides his length along my folds to collect some of my wetness so he can touch himself as he eats me out.

He kneels down on the floor, pulling me closer to the edge of the bed by my hips, Drew closed one fist around his cock and pumped up and down as his mouth closed around my clit, making me roll my eyes to the back of my head.

I moan and he growls, my growing need for release becoming unbearable until...he stops.

“What the fuck?” I faintly asked as I see him kneeling down on the bed.

I was feeling confused, until I felt two of his fingers sinking into my core as his palm rested against my clit, slightly pressing into it.

Drew pulled me by my hair until my lips were on his cock, making me open my mouth so he can slide in.

I hummed in pleasure from both his taste and his fingers pace. The slapping sounds of his fingers and palm against my pussy was pornographic.

I bob my head faster and apply more pressure into his cock’s head making him moan my name loudly.

“Fuck, stop Y/N, stop damn it!” Drew yanked me off of him with a hard tug on my hair

He got up from the bed, pulled me down by my ankles and fastly turned me onto my stomach. I feel his weight on the mattress behind me as he places himself between my legs, quickly entering my core with one hard thrust.

“Oh fuck” I whine

Drew grabs two handfuls of my ass, keeping me in place while he mercilessly pound me. He leaned down, pressing his cheek to mine

“You like being fucked like this don’t you?” He grunted “You love being such a good little whore for me, right princess?”

“Yes, sir”

“Say it!”

“I love being such a good little whore for you, sir” I panted

Drew smacked my ass and placed both of his hands around my neck to both to use it as leverage for his thrusts.

“Who’s fucking this pussy so good, huh?”

“You are, sir”

“And what does a good whore says, Y/N?”

“Thank you, sir” I mumbled

“That’s right, baby” He chuckled

Drew hits my g-spot making me scream

“Oh fuck, it feels so good. You’re fucking me so good, sir! Oh please, don’t stop. Thank you, sir...thankyouthankyouthank” I babble

“You’re gonna cum, Y/N? That’s why you’re clenching so good around my cock baby?”

I nod as much as I can “Please, sir. Let me cum, I beg you” I whined

“You’re look so beautiful, princess. So fucking precious. Cum, love”

I feel numb, almost in an outer body experience from the orgasm ecstasy as I feel Drew release in me. He’s growls and grunts only making the post orgasmic bliss last longer.

I feel him carefully pulling out of me and a few minutes after the warm washcloth cleaning me up.

When he lays down on the bed by my side I mumbled half asleep

“You’re something else, Scotsman”

Drew laughs pulling me up so I can rest my head on his chest.

“The idea was yours, princess”

“But you executed perfectly” I coo

“Well, thank you” He cackled “Was this enough to make you lose your embarrassment to tell me your fantasies?”

“Mhm, if this is going to be the final outcome, I’ll make sure to write them down so you can perform each and every one of them”

“I would like that, love” He chuckled lightly, kissing my forehead as I swim into a deep slumber

Dreaming of a certain plumber named Paul....

Please let me know your thoughts on this and leave me some feedback if you’re comfortable with it 🥰😘