#like. i never understood how you can be 'into a band' bc for me it was always like

[epicfranb]

Idk how correct it is to attribute the entire path your life has taken to a single event but i think if my childhood friend didn't say "that's the kind of music teenage guys listen to" when i was introducing her to Skillet when we were like 10, i think i would be way more info music and bands now.

[tranzjen]

🌈 2 Days Until my Surgery 🌈

(Picture taken June 8th, 2024)

I'm very very excited for my surgery (it's my second gender affirming surgery but this one is more significant to me since it'll be top and bottom surgery) and I'm obviously counting the days until it and I thought some people might be interested in my trans journey 🏳️‍⚧️ I finished up most of the story yesterday so today I'll queerness bc it's pride month under the cut! 🌈🌈🌈

But you can read through my journey starting here

First, let's talk about this outfit. Yes, I bought the shorts and top at Spencer's and honestly you can easily find someone who matches it at a large enough pride event. But, it's hard for me to not be sentimental about it. Especially since I wore it at least once the last three years.

(Pictures taken June 11, 2022 and June 10, 2023)

And you can see how it and I have subtly changed these last three years of my transition. (Too bad I didn't have for my first year of transition but such is life 🤷‍♀️). And every year I get excited to wear it again!

Because being queer means a lot to me. I wasn't one of those people who always knew they were queer. But, I never felt connected to my cishet peers either. It's odd looking back and thinking about how my normal group of friends were cishet but at things like summer camp and then college I would quickly make friends with queer people. I really wanted to be like them but couldn't know why because I felt like I didn't deserve to be as cool and free as them.

But, when I let myself dive head into queerness I finally realized that I queer people are mostly awkward nerds and all of them just want to live their lives as fully honestly themselves. And that I could relate to. And that's what made it easy for me "to rip off the band-aid" and transition. It's what let me walk out into a world where I knew I would get hateful stares because I knew I wasn't alone. And seeing how other queer people's eyes light up when they see me showed me I made the right decision because I made them feel less alone too.

And making friends in the queer community is so much easier than in the cishet community. Because there's a lot more likelihood that they'll understand your awkwardness and admire your weirdness. I said earlier that I had gone to a few house parties and actually enjoyed myself for the first time. I think the best way to show why is this anecdote. I remember being in this circle of people standing around awkwardly silent and then someone said "I'm autistic and house parties make me uncomfortable can someone start talking?" and someone replied with how they felt the same way and how they felt the same way and then a conversation started about how hard parties are and social interactions in general but we were glad to be here and to try to connect with people.

And I love studying queer history a lot. Mostly because I'm curious how I would fit in to a time/culture in history. But also I love seeing how we don't fit in existed and how society understood our non-conformity. We have always existed. Queerness is part of the human condition.

The queer community is far from perfect. We all come from very different backgrounds and often have biases we need to work on. But, it's worth it to carve out your place in the community and to find people who understand and support you and to reciprocate for them. Because the alternative is being alone.

And we all deserve to feel loved, in whatever form you need. And because I'm feeling sentimental so here's a picture of me and my love 🥲

(Picture taken June 8th, 2024)

I have one last update before my surgery tomorrow where I'll look towards the future ✨

Next part

[calholic]

HEY POOKIE BEAR i love ur writing sm ur acc one of my fav accounts 😋😋

anyways i was wondering if you wld write smth where the reader is the guitarist of a well known band (like tom knows who she is) and is kinda like a female ver of tom, like she has the same kind of personality and she’s known for being flirty and a bit of a player and tom has like a fat crush on her bc he thinks that’s so hot 😋 and then he meets her at some point and he’s kinda shocked by how confident she is like she’s not stuttering and shi like other girls he talks to 🤭 anyways then she plays hard to get for a while but it ends in them being together??

T. KAULITZ x READER

★ 𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬: you never gave your heart to anyways, not until you met a cocky guitarist

★ 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠: mentions of alcohol, swearing, cigarettes

★ 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫’𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: omgee pookie thx xoxo 😘 anywayssss i had like 1 brain cell writing this and it’s been sitting in my drafts for weeks so yay i’m finally posting this.

you loved the thrill of concerts and being on tour, new man in bed every night, lots of alcohol and dozens of phone numbers being passed around. you could never be contained and you were proud of that fact. being invited to parties was easy since you were in a band, even clubs would let you in with no ID. some would disapprove of your lifestyle but you didn’t care cuz fuck them right? you didn’t care for much, not boys, school, or a anything. you only cared for guitar, it was your passion, your dream. you loved being in a band too but would slack rehearsals sometimes, not without being scolded by lilli though.

“late again,” she said. “hungover, don’t talk,” you said walking past her. you went to a party yesterday and went a little too crazy on the drinks. “there are consequences to your actions ______, stop drinking so much,” said malik, the drummer. “whatever, mom,” you said picking up your guitar. you hated to admit it but you did have a drinking problem, you just couldn’t stop after one you know? you went to go stand by the bassist mery, she was your best friend and the only one that understood you. “anyways, let’s get started,” said lilli. you guys started rehearsal and it went pretty well. you guys all gathered at the end since lilli had some announcements. “we’re finally starting our europe tour!” she enthusiastically announced. “woohoo,” you said sarcastically. she rolled her eyes and turned to the others for questions. “where are we going in europe?” asked mery.

“i only remember the manager saying something about germany,” she said. “when are we starting?” you asked. “next month! we have little time to prepare so i expect you all to show up to rehearsals,” she said looking right at you. “anyways, i hear we’re popular in germany so you guys better put on a show!” said lilli. ignoring her comment, you walked outside and lit a cigarette waiting for the others to finish packing up.

you lit a cigarette outside of the studio as you waited for the others to finish packing up. “ready to go?” asked malik. “yup. wanna go somewhere tonight?” you asked as you caught up with the others. “not sure, the club?” suggested mery as you guys buckled up in the van. “shots on me then,” said lilli. clubbing was your favorite thing to do, second to touring. this was how you met your hookups and one night stands. you loved with the others to minimize housing expenses, it sounded fun at first but now you barely tolerate it.

the fun part of it though is that you can always borrow clothes from lilli or mery. lilli had the cutest, sluttiest clothes ever. you tried on some of her clothes when you got home to plan your outfit. “hey,” lilli said as she walked in. “what’s up?” you asked. “nothing much, just a little tired,” she said, plopping on the bed. “hope i meet someone tonight,” she said. “me too,” you added. you liked the thought of boys but not the thought of dating them, you could never settle into a relationship so one night stands were your best friend.

you decided on a tank top with a mini skirt and you went to go get changed. soon enough it you all finished getting ready and left for the club. you went on like you usually would at a club; party hard, fuck boys, and drink lots. after the night of fun you sat down on the couch and looked up at the tv. it showed an interview of another band that you’ve never heard of. they looked like a bunch of loser teens in your mind but one caught your eye, the one with black hair. he wasn’t exactly your type but you loved his style.

you eventually forgot about that night one might later and you guys were on your way to germany to start the tour. you were excited to meet the fans and the boys. your first stop was the hotel to drop stuff off and get settled in before leaving to tour the venue and get used to the surroundings. you fell on the hotel bed and let out a sigh of relief. “i needed this,” you said to mery whom you shared a room with. “i heard there’s a hot all boy band that going to be at the venue,” she said. “said who?” you asked sitting up, amused by the keyword “hot.”

“i watch the news,” mery replied. “lame,” you said sitting back down. “apparently they’re very hot here, i hope we see them,” she said. “if they’re got then i hope we see them too,” you said yawning before lilli walked into the room. “we have to go soon,” she said. “shit i like garbage right now,” you said before getting up to get changed into something a little more appealing. you slipped into jeans and put on a sequined tanktop before grabbing your heels. “ready,” you said. you guys all got on the bus to the venue and you were anticipating meeting this band mery spoke of. when you got there, many other artists were there already, all waiting for a tour.

mery tapped your shoulder and pointed to a group of boys that looked oddly familiar. “that’s the hot band!” she exclaimed. you turned around and you immediately recognized them, it was the band from that tv interview at the club. “hey i know them, i saw them on tv,” you said to mery. “aren’t they so handsome?” she asked. “a little i guess, they look a bit young though,” you mentioned. “actually we’re about the same age as them,” mery said. “nerd,” you said before petting her head, messing up her hair.

you walked off to go stand in line for the tour with the other artists but you didn’t notice a certain someone noticing you. the line took hours since so many other artists were there but eventually the tour concluded. you realized your band and the other band that mery was talking about were the only bands there that would be performing. you ran back to the van hoping to get back to the hotel room quickly since you were tired, with the others following behind but someone interrupted you.

he walked up to you and introduced himself. “hey, i’m tom,” he said. you were tired and not in the mood to talk to anyone but you tried to be polite since you didn’t want the tabloids to start drama. “nice to meet you, tom,” you said looking at the boy who was surprisingly attractive. “i’m a big fan of your band,” he said. you could tell he wanted to fuck by his expression, i mean what else could he want? “oh really? i’ve heard about you a little too,” you said. he was practically creaming his pants when you said that, you couldn’t help but laugh a little. “do you want to hang out on the tour bus?” he asked.

“thanks but no thanks, my bands a little busy. see you though i guess,” and with that you left. he looked confused at your rejection, like he couldn’t understand how a girl could reject a boy like him. you walked back to the van and mery was practically dying yo ask you questions. “did he just talk to you??” she asked. “yeah what about it?” you replied. “well i guess nothing but you’re not even gonna ask for his number or something? i thought you liked picking up boys especially since he’s exactly your type,” she said. “i’m just really tired right now,” you said yawning.

“oh,” said mery. the car ride back to the hotel room was silent and you almost fell asleep a little on the car. the next day you got ready to explore the city a little before heading to the venue to get ready to perform. you did sound checks and got changed into your stage outfit before meeting the others back stage. you messed around with your guitar a little before you heard backstage staff talking into their wally talkies. “alright tokio hotel is next, get them ready,” they said. malik signaled you guys to start walking on stage and as you did you saw thousands of fans and the venue was completely filled out.

you were so happy and your adrenaline started pumping as the first song started. you got really into it as you strummed your guitar and sang along, getting wild as you usually do. you walked downstairs into the crowd and did crowd surfs, blowing kisses at the audience and doing the “call me” hand signal as well. by the end of the concert your shirt was off and your hair was an mess with your makeup slightly smudged. you said said goodbye to the crowd, giving one last flirtatious smile before walking backstage.

you saw that tokio hotel was already standing there waiting for their set to start. “you’re welcome for the free concert,” you said winking at them as you guys walked by. “leave them alone,” lilli said, laughing and rolling her eyes. you had a little energy left so you walked into the crowd hoping to get a hookup. you saw a guy around your age and walked up to him. “hey, what’s your name?” you asked. “joel,” he smirked. one thing led to another and you ended up making out with him in his truck, although it was dangerous you still enjoyed it. your cell rang and it was mery calling you back to meet with the others.

you left without saying anything to him but not before grabbing a few drinks. you saw mery and ran up to her, she was in the crowd. you offered her a drink which she happily accepted and by the end of tokio hotels set you were both drunk. you were half awake now and wanted to go back to the room. “lilli can we get back to the hotel? i’m tired,” you whined. “yeah sure let me go get malik he’s by the bathroom we’ll meet you by the van,” she said. you and mery walked back to the van and it started getting quiet the farther you got away from stage. you waited by the van for lilli and malik until a familiar face appeared, it was tokio hotel.

“hey, good job tonight guys,” one of the members said. it was the one with black hair, the one that caught your eye first. “oh thanks you guys did good too,” you said. “you were off with some dude half of it,” mery said laughing. you told her to shush as you laughed, their faces were priceless. tom, the one that tried to flirt with you looked jealous? you brushed it off once you saw lilli and malik. “oh we gotta go now,” you said. “wait, do you guys want to go somewhere?” tom asked. gosh this boy was restless you though. “go where?” asked lilli. “you guys can come to our room,” said the black haired one.

you all looked at each other, “why not?” malik said. “alright then uhm let me call our manager and tell her we’ll be gone then,” said lilli. so you guys all got into tokio hotels van and headed for their room. you got sat next to tom whom was still trying to flirt and you decided to entertain him a little. “your guitar playing is amazing,” he said. “you’re not too bad yourself,” you replied. you guys went back and forth like that before you reached their hotel. you immediately went out on the balcony for a cigarette and tom followed.

“i’m surprised, usually girls stutter or get flustered when talking to me,” he said. you were confused as to why he brought that up but at the same time too drunk to care. “well i guess i’m not one of your fangirls,” you replied. it was silent for a bit before you said something. “you said you’ve seen my band around before right?” you asked. “yeah i really am a fan. i always thought you were hot, i was really excited to meet you,” he said. “well am i what you thought i’d be?” you asked. “not at all,” he replied. “you’re funny,” you said, winking at him. you headed inside first and introduced yourself to the others.

after introductions, you found out that the black haired one was bill, the singer, the drummer was gustav, and bassist was georg. you sat down next to mery and the room was silent until georg said something. “so you and tom huh?” he asked. “what about him?” you replied. “do you two like each other?” he asked. “i don’t ‘like’ boys, i fuck them,” you said. “she’s like the female version of tom,” bill said laughing. “what does that mean?” asked lilli. “tom’s just like her, flirty and sort of a player,” said gustav. “that makes sense, you finally found your match,” said malik.

the others laughed before tom walked in. “what’s so funny?” he asked. “nothing, we were just talking about how you and ______ were so similar,” said bill. he looked at you and smirked before taking a seat next to you. “want to take some shots?” asked bill reaching for a bottle of vodka. “sure but how’d you sneak alcohol in the hotel?” you asked. “don’t worry about it,” he said.

you guys took the shots and soon enough you were all drunk. but since you and mery had already gotten drinks the two of you blacked out. you don’t remember much except for someone carrying you to the bed and the lights turning off.

you woke up the next day, not knowing where you were. you saw lilli and malik on the floor and mery sleeping next to gustav. tom was laying next to you with bill next to him while georg slept on the sofa. the bed was crammed so you got off to wake the others up. you walked over to lilli first. “lilli help me wake the others,” you said. “what time is it?” she asked. “it’s like eleven AM,” you said. “oh shit, we were supposed to meet our manager at nine,” she said.

she started panicking which led you to panic so you two were just freaking out which woke the others. “what’s wrong?” asked mery, waking up. “we were supposed to meet our manager at nine, it’s eleven,” she said shaking malik. you were fighting a massive hangover and lillie’s panic wasn’t helping. soon enough tokio hotel woke up and you guys were already at the door. “leaving already?” asked tom. “we’re late to meeting our manager,” you said. “shit,” said georg. “uh see you guys around i guess?” said mery as you guys ran out the door.

lilli had ten miss calls from the manager and dozens of angry texts. you guys got into a lot of trouble, which you took the blame for. you guys went back to the hotel room and you flung yourself on the bed. “ugh fuck this,” you said. “what’s wrong?” asked mery. “this hangover, i feel like i’m dying,” you replied. “i bet calling your boyfriend tom will make you feel better,” she said teasing you. the others started laughing while you just rolled your eyes. “seriously though you guys are perfect for each other,” added lilli. “whatever,” you said.

“speaking of them i happened to get gustavs number last night, maybe we should meet with them tonight~~,” said mery. “well i am bored, maybe the club?” malik suggested. “you read my mind, call him mery,” said lilli. you sat by the side pretending not to be interested because deep down you knew you were starting to find tom attractive and you knew where this would go. he would break your heart or you would breaks his and he would leave, just like the others.

mery called the gustav anyways and it was settled, your band and tom’s band were going out tonight. your manager basically grounded you guys so obviously you couldn’t go out… which wasn’t going to stop you. i mean you guys never listen to your manager hence last night. you felt and looked like garbage so you quickly hoped in the shower before going shopping in town. you went by yourself since the others were too busy doing their own thing, but you didn’t mind since you liked your own company.

hours later you got a call from mery asking you to go back since everyone was getting ready. you meet them back in the room and get ready as well, putting on one the dresses you bought while in town. “did you buy that dress just for tom?” asked lilli in a teasing tone. “no i bought it for you dad,” you replied sticking your tongue at at her. malik and mery laughed as you put your heels on. thirty minutes later you guys all left and met with tokio hotel and there tom was, looking nonchalant but in a hot way as usual. you look away from him to scout out the boys in the club that could help take your mind off things.

you spotted a very cute boy with curly brown hair dancing by himself. you walked up to him, completely separating from the others. “hey i’m ______, what’s your name?” you asked him. “it’s skylar,” he said. “let’s dance,” you said as you started grinding against him. he was into and you even got your mind off tom before you walked over to the bathroom. you guys are out a few moments later, your hair messy and his shirt half buttoned. you blew him a kiss as you walked over to the others who were now sitting on a sofa.

“wow we’ve only just gotten here and you’ve already hooked up with a dude ______ that’s a new record,” said malik. “who keeps track anymore?” you asked him. you took a seat next to mery and tom, right in the middle. tom was visibly staring at you and you were confused until you realized you were wearing a very booby top. “perv,” you whispered over to him. he quickly looked away which made you laugh a little. mery left and decided to go on the dance floor with gustav and bill following while lilli and malik went to the bar to gets drinks leaving you and tom.

“so why don’t you date?” he asked. “same reason as you probably, i don’t believe in love after one night,” you said. “wow, we really are similar,” he said. “you think?” you said. “why don’t we date then?” he asked. “because i’ll break your heart,” you replied. “maybe i’ll break yours,” he said. “nobody breaks my heart,” you replied, chuckling. he gave you a dry laugh and looked away before malik and lilli came back with drinks. you and tom both got super intoxicated that night and one thing left to another and you two ended in a hotel room together. the two of you laid on the bed as you lit a cigarette. “do you hate me?” he asked. “what do you mean?” you were confused. “i mean, you’re not head over heels for me, you don’t stutter or fumble your words at all when we speak and you don’t want to date me, i don’t understand why you would act like that unless you hate me,” he explained. “i don’t hate you, in fact i think i’m in love with you,” you drunkenly admitted.

“you do?” he asked, shocked. “i think. i mean you’re exactly my type and we’re basically the same person so i guess i do,” you said. you were slightly conscious of what you had just confessed to tom and you had no regrets, holding it in was killing you slowly. tom reached for you cigarette and you guys shared it until you put it out. you fell asleep and the next morning you woke up in tom’s arms. he was completely wrapped around you and you had no memory of the night before.

“morning,” he said groggily with his morning voice. “did we…?” you asked, scrounging up as much of last night as you could. “yeah, and you also confessed you love for me,” he said laughing. “oh god, did i?” you asked. “don’t tell me you didn’t mean it,” he said. “unfortunately i did and you’re not going to let me live it down will you?” you asked. “of course not,” he said smiling. you reached over for your phone to missed calls and texts messages from lilli. “i guess we should get back to our hotels,” you said before getting up to put your clothes on. “not before i do this,” tom said, grabbing your wrist and pulling you back to bed before kissing you. “i hate you,” you said digging your face into his chest.

[tallyica]

pls anything with load era james IM BEGGING YOU

hihi!!

thanks for the request! please be specific next time! I don't know what you want, so please give me at least a genre or scenario!!

anyways, its an angst fic bc I didn't know what else to do

warnings: drinking, swearing, one line that sounds sucicidal but isn't, possible break up, arguing, angst in general

word count: 2,440

LOSING YOU (1996)

I sat in the cold, empty hotel, sitting on the bed and just staring at the wall, trying to process everything that's been going on.

The last few months in James and I’s relationship have been pure hell. Nothing was going right with us, it felt like there was no more caring, passion, or even love. 

These months James has been on tour, and I decided to join him for a few of the dates, tired of spending months alone in our apartment, the quietness and deadness of it all seemed odd. I always enjoyed James’ presence, and I had gone out on tour with him before, but this time was, way, way different. Normally, he comes back somewhat drunk, not fully wasted since I was there, but he was tipsy. Now, he would come up at 3 am, drunk off his ass, and be all weird to me. He’d ignore me completely unless he had needs he wanted me to fulfill.

But lately, for at least the last 15 shows or so, he would just come in drunk, push my hands away from him, and wouldn't let me cuddle up with him, which was very not like him, as he was one who valued personal time, but perhaps his priorities have changed.

I sighed, hearing the doorknob of the hotel rattle, it was locked, and I slowly trudged towards the door, a small hope begging that James was sober, and just wanted to love me. I cracked the door open, seeing James swaying slightly as I opened the door fully to let him in, and oh how he reeked of beer. I moved so he could get in, and he stumbled in, not even greeting me.

“Hi,” I said coldly with a scoff, shutting the door. I watched as he shuffled to the bed, falling on it with a groan.

“Why are you always.. Such a bitch..?” He slurred out, and I felt my heart drop, my stomach twisted into a knot. We had argued plenty of times, name called even, but he never called me a bitch. 

“What the fuck did you just say to me?” I said, more of a statement than a question, my voice shaking slightly. He was drunk, he must not meant it.

“Youre.. You're a bitch..” He slurred out at me again, which stung again. We had been together for almost 6 years, and he had never lashed out at me, not like this.

I scoffed, my hurt and sadness only coming out as anger, “What is your problem? You haven't wanted to be around me at all, for weeks. You're always drunk, and you never hug me, kiss me, talk to me, hold me, anything that we used to do.” I stated coldly at him, though I doubted the words really registered in his mind.

James just groaned, “God, all you do is whine and complain.. Just shut up for once..” He grumbled out, and it hurt me, bad.

I shook my head, grabbing my coat and wallet before walking towards the hotel room door, “I’ll talk to you once you're sober.” I called out into the room, though I doubt he understood me as I slammed the door, storming out of the hotel and walking out into the street, the cold air nipping my skin harshly.

My outfit wasn't very warm, just my sleep shorts and one of James’ old band shirts, along with my jacket. I hated the shirt I was wearing, he was the last thing I wanted to be reminded of, though It brought me some slight comfort, smelling him on it and feeling that he was still with me somewhat, even if not truly or emotionally.

I walked for about twenty minutes until I found another hotel, booking a room for the night as I felt the cold air melt off of me, the warm hotel air swaddling me in a way. I sighed, slowly approaching the front desk, the receptionist glancing up at me from her computer screen.

She was quick to take in my rushed state, clearly here on a whim. “How can I help you?” She said, her voice tired. It was so late, I didn't blame her. I read the name on her nametag, Laurice. A name I hadn't ever heard before.

“Can I get a room, just for the night please?” I said, my voice shaking a bit, my mind still hazed from the argument.

Laurice nodded, typing on her keyboard for a few moments before glancing back up at me. “Alright, we can get you in room 247 on floor 3 for $67.48. Will that be cash or card?” 

I sighed, grabbing my wallet out of my pocket, “Uhm, cash,” I mumbled, digging out a fifty-dollar bill and a twenty.

Laurcie grabbed my money, giving me my change as she handed me my hotel key, “Enjoy your stay, you check out at two pm tomorrow.” She informed me briefly before sitting back down behind the desk, and I took the key, walking away.

I walked slowly into the elevator, the empty, compact steel room making me feel horridly uncomfortable. The silence, the only noise was the rutting hum of the elevator moving up towards floor three, until the sudden jolt and stop, the elevator dining and opening.

I quickly walked out, wandering around the vacant halls until I found my room, unlocking the door with my key, stepping in and shutting it, and locking it behind me. Standing there for a moment, the events of the night replaying in my mind, everything finally hitting me, hard. I stumbled towards the bed, beginning to sob. All my emotions and hurt finally spilled over from the last weeks, of being ignored, pushed away, insulted, and yelled at. All I needed was someone to hold me, love me, and comfort me. This was a life I didn't want to live. Maybe even after all of these years with James, the ‘honeymoon phase’ has ended. Maybe he was right, that I couldn't handle dating a rockstar like him.

How could things fall apart in such an instant? One day we were perfect, happy as can be, discussing our future, even marriage or children. I clutched my stomach, feeling nauseous at all of these emotions. I brought the large shirt up to my nostrils, inhaling his familiar scent.

I hadn't been alone to process a breakdown like this in years, James wasn't here to hold me, tell me it would all be alright and that he loved me, but now I questioned if any of that was true. Everything had fallen apart around me, I was alone, in a different place from where we lived, sobbing in a hotel room.

Eventually, I cried myself to sleep, the half-empty bed making me feel so odd, so unnatural. Sleeping without him holding me as I curl up to him is so wrong. I have grown so dependent on him, yet he seems like he could use less of me.

IN THE MORNING

I woke up groggily, my body instinctively searching for his warmth, though finding none. Last night memories flooded back to me. Now realisation hit me. I looked at the clock, the red pixels gleaming 1:34 PM. I had slept in so late, and by now James was either sober and hungover, or drunk off his ass again. Maybe he skipped town and left with the band to go to their next gig early.

They were done with the shows in this city, and the private plane would be leaving tomorrow at noon. My list of choices was small, either not leave the city, fly home, show up to the private plane unannounced, or make amends.

This shouldn't be so hard for me to get over, it was just a drunken spat, but he has been neglectful towards me for weeks. Was there anyone else I could find to even possibly replace him?

The man who had held me during so many nights, made me smile, made m laugh, and made me feel like the most important and loved person in the world, now made me feel like a piece of shit he stepped in, it was like all we had has vanished.

He would push me aside when I tried to hug him, wipe my kiss stains from his cheek, shrug off my questions, and keep me distant. I would try to cuddle up to him in bed, and he would just move further away from me until he was against the wall, then he would tell me to “give him some space”.

If anything, I have to settle down to what we have become with him. I had to check out if this hotel was in.. Fuck, twenty minutes. I didn't have much or anything to grab, but I would have nowhere else to go except for the hotel James was at. I had to speak to him, either to fix things or end them.

I sighed, quickly fixing the bed and grabbing my wallet, checking out of the hotel and trying to remember the way back to where James and the rest of the band were staying. I wasn't sure which street I walked up or down, where I turned left or right. This would be very, very difficult.

After wandering around for thirty minutes, I finally reached the hotel. I stood in front of the door for what felt like an hour, but I quickly walked in, though was surprised to see James’ bandmate, Kirk, in the lobby of the hotel, talking with a man who I didn't recognize, though I assumed he was a fan. I slowly approached him, tapping him on the shoulder and he quickly turned his head back, recognizing me.

“Hey, do you know-” My words were mumbled and hushed, though that didn't matter as Kirk quickly interrupted me.

“Hey! Where the hell have you been? We were all gonna go to breakfast but James said he couldn't find you or something, is everything ok?” Kirk spoke quickly, his words filled with confusion and relief.

I sighed, “Yeah, everything is fine, where's James?” I glanced around the lobby, hoping to see him maybe.

Kirk nodded, “He's in his room, probably waiting for you,” He responded, and I nodded, already walking away.

“Thanks, Kirk,” I called back to him, already down the hallway and getting into the elevator, headed for the 6th floor where we stayed. The elevator hummed, gradually bringing me to my desired floor with a ding, the doors opened and I walked down the hallway, each step feeling like I was walking a thousand miles, even though the door to our room was probably no more than twenty feet away.

I now stood in front of the door, collecting myself and taking a deep breath before opening the door, seeing James standing in the hotel, on the phone with someone. He turned around when he heard me opening the door, his face turning relieved, setting down the phone and giving his full attention to me in what felt like years.

“Where the fuck have you been?” He asked with a scoff, he wasn't mad, or at least he didn't seem mad, just concerned.

I sighed, “Away. Do you remember anything from last night?”

James rubbed his forehead, “I.. no, not really, we did our show, and then everything blurry after that. Did something happen?”

I shrugged, still standing in the doorway, finally shutting the door, “Yeah, I guess. We need to talk.”

James grew more concerned, his face showing the thousands of thoughts running through his head. “Ok, uhm, sure, is everything okay?”

“I don't know.”

“What is that supposed to mean? What happened?” James began to sound more irritated, though still worried and confused.

“I want to know what happened too,” I stated, so lost that he couldn't even pinpoint why or how I was hurting.

“Enough of these bullshit games, the hell is up with you?” He seemed to only grow irritated with me.

I sighed, now I was getting annoyed with him. “No, what the hell is up with you? This is the first time you've tried to talk to me, in like, a week. You avoid me, you push me away, you won't kiss me, you won't even look at me! I have been neglected and ignored by you for weeks. Ever since this tour started, I have been your last priority.” I finally said, my words heavy yet rushed with emotion.

James was silent, he couldn't think of anything to say. He knew that I was right, but would he ever admit it? He sat on the bed, sighing, looking at the floor, and refusing to make eye contact with me.

The silence went on for about a minute, and I was losing my patience, “Are you gonna say anything or just..?” I finally muttered, growing tired of being ignored by him.

James shook his head, shrugging a bit. “I.. I don't know, I'm sorry, I never meant to be or tried to be cold to you, it's just.. I get like this on tour, y’know?” He mumbled, clearly digging for an excuse.

I scoffed, “But you have time to get drunk, party and fool around with other women?”

James just looked defeated, he didn't want to argue. “I'm sorry, ok? I don't know what to say.. Just, c’mere?” His voice was soft, tired.

I was hesitant, I didn't know why he wanted me to go to him, but I did, slowly walking towards him on the bed, and sitting down next to him. He laid his head against my shoulder, something I had missed, his touch. I didn't know what to say, or really what to do.

“I love you..” James mumbled to me softly, but I wasn't sure if he was truthful. I wanted to ask him if he really did because it never seemed like it anymore, but I knew better and to hold my tongue.

I sighed, my eyes on him, “I love you too..” I muttered in response. My words were true, I did love him, but did he? That's what I wasn't sure of.

“I'll change, ok? I won't drink as much, I won't be out as late after shows.. I won't ignore you anymore. That's a promise.” James swore to me, and I had no choice but to take his word for it, and to believe him.

“I hope that stays true,” I replied in a soft, slightly shaky tone as I let out a shaky sigh, possibly beginning a new stage of our relationship.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

sorry if this isn't too good! I also just had it sitting around for a week and I wanna move on to another idea I had

[eddiediazismyhusband]

i really want a fic of eddie realising him and buck have been falling in love the entire time.

I keep seeing posts (and even had someone tell me) that it’d be unrealistic for Eddie to be in love with Buck and not realise. Like not even think of him as an option. 

But that’s such a real queer person thing- i’ve lived that experience. I’m a women and despite all the times I admired other women it took forever for it to click for me.

I mean I grew up with accepting parents and kind friends and even queer people on tv. I remember looking at girls as much as I looked at boys. And yet I still had the reoccurring thought “I could be gay, I mean i’m not- but I could be. But most people aren’t gay and i’m most people”. (gay being used here in my head to mean “not straight”) AND YET despite it all I didn’t realise i was Bi until I was much older.

And even then, I’d had at least two long term crushes without realising they were crushes before it clicked. 

(I kid you not- it took a drag queen talking to me like i was a toddler for it to click, but that’s a whole other story SO-) 

Whether or not Eddie already knows he’s gay (or demi or whatever) doesn’t really make a difference, cause it’s that same sort of heteronormative internalising that causes these feeling to not be understood. 

Especially for Eddies character who’s had this messy norm with Shannon for so long, a stable thing to grasp (even when their relationship was a mess) and then her death and him chasing to find that weak grasp to SOMETHING again- something that can be another excuse to not go looking for himself. 

Like he’s internalised this behaviour of, “if i’m in a relationship, I don’t have to look deep and figure out why it’s not working” and never quite realising that maybe the reason it’s not working is cause he’s trying to replace something that was never really real.

(Speaking of, Eddie and Shannon are the epitome of loml by taylor swift. I mean- “we were just kids babe” “from one kiss to getting married” “something counterfeits dead” “what a valiant roar, what a bland goodbye” “i’m combing through the band of lies- “i’ll never leave” never mind”) 

babe you are speaking to the POSTER CHILD of raised in a religious household and convinced themselves they weren’t queer until it was staring them in the face

the biggest issue is that most (again i said most before yall try to jump down my throat) of the people who are against buddie are either straight people who don’t understand the nuances of queerness, or queer people who didn’t grow up in environments of oppression and have never felt the need to hide themselves

i used to tell my parents i had crushes on girls only to later realize that it was because i just had a genuine platonic connection with them (two of whom are my best friends and are also queer women) and i used to get confused about what the difference between attraction and admiration was— something a LOT of queer people go through without realizing.

comphet is literally such a widespread phenomenon that people truly don’t realize just how common it is— like even queer people don’t realize they probably know several “straight” people who are still lying to themselves bc sexuality isn’t black and white— it exists on a spectrum. I’m not saying that to invalidate anyone’s straightness, im just saying i know multiple men who are my dads age (60s +) who only recently came to the realization that they were gay.

it’s genuinely so disappointing to see some of the people in this fandom pushing homophobic talking points from history just to disprove a character’s implied queerness bc they view that character’s queerness as a threat to their ship.

anyway, i agree eddie and shannon’s relationship is soooooo unconscious lavender marriage coded to me and there are SO MANY beautiful TS lyrics that apply to that… another song that i really feel like captures Eddie’s pov of the relationship is Home by One Direction… especially these lyrics:

[anxious-witch]

What a year, huh? We all know I have to be emotional on tumblr.com whenever the opportunity arises because that's one way I allow myself to have an emotional catharsis (for legal reasons this a joke)

In all seriousness though, this year has been a lot for me. Both in a good and bad sense, but Käärijä and Joker Out improved it significantly. And more importantly, their fandoms. (More inder the cut bc this is long af)

I have never really been someone who knows anything about the artists' whose music I listened to. Before this, I don't think I ever listened to a full album of someone, just random songs that I liked. Finding stuff from personal life of bands/musicians I liked usually made me depressed so I didn't bother.

Then, ESC 2023. happened. I frankly have no idea what flipped the switch in my head. Bojere interactions? The way people on tumblr were so welcoming even back when I was mostly posting about Let 3 and Käärijä only? I don't know, I only know that we are here now, regardless.

Another thing about me is that I used to be very pessimistic person. Likez genuinely. I have been "unofficially"(long story) diagnosed with depression and anxiety since I was 11, which is over a decade now. I always had a lot of bad experiences with people and really awful trust issues. I have been doing better for some time now, but it is very hard to let go of the feeling of pessimism and helplessness. In a world where awful things happen every second, what can I possibly do that would change anything?

Then ESC happened. Käärijä lost and I thought "another injustice that will never be corrected". Except, instead of feeling defeated, everyone just loved him more. In those weeks after and later on months, all I have seen had been unrelenting love and acceptance of Jere. Reminding him that despite not winning Eurovision, he is our winner and we'll forever think of him as such. Jere who has a wonderfully belly and strong thighs and is short and by no means is he conventional in any sense. And people loved him not despite all that but because all that. Because we all found ways to relate to him, or to what he went through.

His story of almost dying and still getting where he did only served to highlight that more. Because of he did it, why can't we get to what we want? Why can't I? It shifted my whole perspective.

Then, Joker Out. It is so, so funny to me how I barely paid any attention to them during ESC, except for bojere interactions and was dragged in it by the shared fandom, when now I post most about them.

But yes, JO. A band from Slovenia that while tehnically isn't Balkan, felt so close to me. Like they could understand all the things I kept to myself because of where I was. And then they showed me there is still hope.

I have never seen a band from around here take a pride flag on the stage. Never. I know it's a thing, especially abroad, but God I have never seen that happen here. And with how much love they always took it! That's...wow. It gave me hope that not only is it possible for injustices to be corrected, but that ot's possible to do it even in the environment I'm in.

And then...the Virtual Letters Project happened. Or well positive confessions that @spockowhales turned into Virtual Letters Project.

That's when I knew it's truly possible. I have seen tumblr posts, yes. But getting stuff so directly addressed about or to JO made me realize how much of a "wave" they all created. So many people said they helped them with their depression, with viewing their world differentky with meeting new peoplez with daring to do something new.

I have no words to describe how much that meant to me and I really hope that when they read those letters, they understood the impact they had.

But even that aside, I want to thank everyone in this fandom. People I have talked to, people I have interacted with it any way, through replies, reblogs, likes, anon asks. I appreciate every single one of you for helping create such a wonderful space. We had our ups and downs in the fandom, but we are all here because we love these fandoms, these people so much to keep talking about it even months after.

Thank you and I wish everyone here a wonderful New Year with even more laugh, love and positivity ❤️ have a good one

[apocketfullofpoesis]

Saw your recent post and honestly it's loads better to just quit her. Not in the sense that you should never ever listen to her songs ever. I have similar experiences as you - listened to mainstream songs, was a fan when I was 15, like few folklore songs. By 2021 I had listened to better artists but still listened to her. 2023 hit and all that shit started. I was very confused because I'm someone who has strong morals and values and would stand on them if it's up to me. So I couldn't see her the same. Didn't listen to midnights much, like the least listened album because by the time it was released I didn't find her music enjoyable. And all this combined made it easier for me to withdraw from her music. But I still used to listen to a few that I had an attachment to. And then her becoming a billionaire, her reacting to a fan's death like it didn't mean shit to her, her co2 emissions all made me hate her. And the. I stopped listening to her altogether and I haven't listened to a single song in 2024. Ig what I'm saying is if you want to stop listening to her altogether it can be done, or if you want to enjoy listening to her it's also okay. Being an ex-swiftie doesn't mean you're a hater. You can just stop listening to her if she's not enjoyable or you find fault with her. Also a friend of mine was such a huge swiftie, like she really loved her. But she also went down a similar journey. She listens to her once in a while but tries to stay away from her. So what I'm saying is if you feel uncomfortable streaming her music because it is giving her streams which is her biggest achievement, maybe download them from sites. Or if you're comfortable with it, then you can listen.

Hope you have a good day

I appreciate your calm reply bc the internet is going wild about criticising her and it started all of a sudden and so much annoyance from a majority of people i knew were hardcore fans .. just didn't make sense and was quite scary. I agree with you on not entirely quitting her - I don't think I ever can. My literary idols have taught me to value the art, not the artist but the internet is an influential place and my morals are constantly getting challenged and I'm trying so hard to make people value at least the songwriting bit - maybe because I want to value it. I never cared who she dated, what actions of her are contributing to pollution - all that - but the internet is both a scary and enlightening place to be. I was a bit sad about Joe bc I knew Joe as an artist before him being associated with her. I used to be a directioner and then when the band broke up, i sided with Harry. And lately I've been exploring Mitski. So I think I'll go back to give both of these more attention of mine. You do you, anyways, isn't it? If I like a song, i like it. If I don't, I don't. It's high time i work on my attachment issues and focus on the bigger, simpler picture. I loved how you took your time to respond. I loved how you understood me. Thank you.

[earlgreytea68]

i cannot remember what interview this was but I feel like there was an interview where pete talks about how he found a female vocalist for black cards bc he "couldn't imagine trying to replace patrick" and there something that makes me feel so much about that. I wonder if even with the band being on a possible indefinite hiatus at the time it still felt like betrayal?

I think both pete and patrick didn't want another fob but also they wouldn't replace each other. I think they did both want to do their own thing but also I think writing music together and that dynamic they had was really special. even if things were unsure at the time they both didn't try to replace that dynamic. both tried out new genres and patrick did everything himself and pete got a female vocalist instead. It's a little hiatus moment that always gets me especially when you think about how they used writing music together to bond later on.

YES. I love that even in the middle of everything that went down, I think they were both self-aware enough to know that anything they did was going to suffer by comparison with what came before. And not the financial success of what came before, but just their own expectations of the creative process. Patrick doing EVERYTHING himself, every single instrument, like he had to stay as far away from the idea of a band as possible. Pete didn't have the luxury of doing everything himself. Pete doesn't write music and doesn't play every instrument and doesn't sing. He has always needed Patrick for all of that. And being just so deliberate like, "I can never, ever replace him, I need to find someone as opposite him as possible or I'll just always be thinking how they're not as good as him." (Which I think he just always thought the whole time, anyway.)

It's funny because I think Pete probably thought during the hiatus that he needed Patrick more than Patrick needed him, that Patrick can do everything himself and would just move on, and it must have been so shocking and amazing and astonishing for Pete to realize that he was as important to Patrick, he probably really never understood that before.

[spicyraeman]

We're both having shit sleep cycles, maybe that's why we can follow each other's rambling! Energy drink Goblins, unite! (I'm joking but I hope you'll feel better)

The piercing zel you just did? Hot diggidy damn, I have to restraint myself. I don't need a new ear piercing. I don't...

HOW do we feel about other types of piercings, James?🪤👀

I didn't understood shit to my linguistic classes, and it took me hours to understand a bit about the sounds in my native language. The fact that you did all of this on your own, with just the power of hyperfixation and worldbuilding-syndrome on your side, is very, very impressive! You created a phonetic chart with a dream and a dictionary, that is dedication and I respect that so much.

It looks too much like english to be described as guttural or brutal. Buuut if it had that german R, it could become more brutal. They already have an ach-laut adjacent sound with that GH. A bit more Pointy Helmets in your Fascism-trope soup, my lord?

I didn't notice the lack of P, I'm laughing like a goat because it makes me think of arabic. To imagine gith violently shake me down to steal my Bebsi is way too funny.

Sadly very long word is a common german disease, I don't think it would fit naturally the short words and glottal stop. At least for the rythm, not the sounds. But this gith can fit so many headcannons **slap top of the head**, why not? Who am I anyway, the accent police?

There are so many headcannons in my mind now, this is chimera'zel.

I'm gonna let you in a shameful secret : i didn't hear much gith. I don't play much with the sound on since I'm on racoon time. I did leave it on for my first run. But...I...kinda...killed her the first run?

**dodges torches and runs away into the forest**

🫀🚑

Hell yeah! Goddd I wish I had energy drinks, reminding me that I should buy another case

I'm living my piercing dreams through Lae’zel (it's impossible to find reputable piercers where I live) and I mean when you have that much ear real estate to work with it’d be a crime not to. Also, It’s uhhhh safe to say that in the band au she’s pierced from top to bottom 🤭

It truly is crazy how much you’re willing to learn when you’re in too deep about the fantasy world in your head. I think I learned more about my own language that way than I ever did while I was in school.

Adding a German R to it would def make it more brutal sounding, but Yeahhhh while the headcanon that the space fascist has a stereotypical German accent is funny as hell, German is just nothing like Gith. 

At this point, I’m just having fun and throwing HCs at her to see what sticks lol

Bebsi tho… Lae’zel is a Coke girl only bc she said bebsi once in front of the gang and never lived it down

I honestly don’t blame you for killing her on your first run 😅 depending on what type of character you’re playing there are plenty of reasons for killing pretty much any of the companions

[yallemagne]

So, I was clued in by several references to Micheal Myers that the movie my brother was making me watch was a Halloween movie and, having never watched a single one, I went to the Wikipedia to catch up. I figured out through getting through all of the Wikipedia synopses that the film I was watching was the final one! Amazing.

Spoilers. Also, trigger warning: I hate slasher films. Not for moral reasons, so slasher nuts can put down their pitchforks. I just. Blech. But this film had a silver lining.

EDIT: I misspelt Allyson's name bc it was misspelt in the subtitles.

For a moment, at the beginning of the film, I thought maybe they were referencing Mikey as a horror movie icon, but that was not the case. I had been tricked-- HOODWINKED -- into watching a film from the Halloween series. But I couldn't walk away now!! I already sat down!!

I didn't care about the kid. Honestly the sheer amount of blood and also the weird way he fell took me out of the scene. I was half like "was this staged by the kid, too?"

Corey was already giving me vibes of an anxious teen who messed up in the past, and like this was the only chance he has to show he's a good guy, and like that was the reason he was panicking so hard in the attic? Anyway, whomp whomp. This is why you don't bully someone with anxiety in a horror film, kid.

Time skip, he gets bullied by some high schoolers and JAMIE LEE CURTIS appears to the rescue! The band kids are mean to her, so maybe they deserve-- just kidding lol. I'll call her Laurie from here on, she offers boyo a knife to fuck up the car. Wahoo.

His hand is messed up and Laurie's granddaughter is a nurse, what can go wrong? Introducing a young woman to a male main character in a horror film has neeeeeever led to predictable and blegh-y deaths ahahahah. But I was wrong in thinking she would be killed for making premarital eye contact, so that's neat.

And then someone makes premarital eye contact with Laurie and I'm like noooo oh he's gonna die too? seriously?? I don't even know this guy. But the writers did not hate me today.

Let's skip, so Corey gets thrown off a bridge because he called out someone's daddy issues and is pulled into some weird... sewer cave? I don't know what it is. I don't think Mikey did it, but I'll get to that. Corey wakes up and gets strangled by Mikey, but then he starts getting flashbacks to the worst day of his life, which I guess is symbolic of his mental break.

ONE LITTLE TANGENT. I hate how horror films villainize the mentally ill. And how apparently being mentally ill gives you superpowers. Maybe I should get evaluated just to see if I can raise a barn on my own. I know someone may scold me like "it's not black and white, there's no ableist messaging inherent to this genre, there is no war in Ba Sing Se", but you are wrong, bye.

Corey gets away but the homeless man I predicted would die jumps him and oh look. He's ~crazy~ too. But I guess he did not receive an official diagnosis because he does not come back to life after being killed. Also, I think maybe this guy is the one who dragged Corey into that place because of his obsession with Mikey, but that's minor.

Corey tells Allison he's a murderer. I was... pleasantly shocked they didn't start making out immediately. But she still stayed with him. And I wasn't fully paying attention because of my reading, but I seriously thought she knew he was doing even more murders, but apparently she... didn't? Even though they were people who inconvenienced her?

Corey meets Allison's ex and then lures him into Mikey's lair. Mikey gets knocked down and Corey yells at him to show him how to kill people. Mikey's like "okay shit" and stabs the guy a few more times than necessary just to make sure Corey understood. I was kinda cheering about boys night because that is exactly what this was.

The boys kill a doctor who was mean to Allison and the woman he's sleeping with, and I was like SERIOUSLY?? MOVIE??? I caught up in the Wikipedia and saw that apparently, the woman got a promotion because she was sleeping with him... but that's still killing a woman for having sex. Oh well. Also, the eye contact between the woman and Corey was weird, I thought, am I missing something here?? Eh.

Laurie confronts Corey, and she's so badass, and I love her so much. Tells him to back the fuck up. He refuses and tells her to go apeshit. OHHH DUDE. You do NOT WANT THAT. She literally vanished, and I was like "TOLD YOU SO BOY". I knew she wasn't gonna kill him right then, but I kept making *teleports behind you* jokes.

Since Corey is a wuss, he calls Allison up because he knows Laurie is gonna get his ass. Allison argues with Laurie that Corey isn't evil, and at this point, I genuinely thought she was gaslighting Laurie because HOW DOES SHE NOT KNOW??? But she truly didn't know that her boyfriend was JD.

Corey shows up at Mikey's hidey hole and they have a silly little tussle. It's so fucking funny. The boys are having a little wrestle! It's so silly. Corey steals Mikey's mask so he can be Mikey (his own mask wasn't cool enough) and kill a bunch of people. His stepdad is collateral damage, and I groaned so hard at his death. That man teleported into the bullet. Had to look away from the yucky ew because I don't trust my unconscious mind with gruesome imagery.

Laurie is amazing she is so cool. Corey tries to get her but she fuckin GETS HIM. She's so fucking badass I love her. Laurie is my bias.

Corey does the "if I can't have her, no one will" again and does a self-stabby to frame Laurie bc he knows he has his official diagnosis and he'll come back to life. In the meantime? Mikey has come to take his mask back. He permanently kills Corey by revoking his blessing (that's what I got from it at least) because no one kills his sister but him!!!

Laurie is fucking GREAT SHE FUCKING YES MAN. The foreshadowing of the exploding microwave and like boom man. I was cheering GET HIM LAURIE GET HIM. He tries to get rid of her hand, she says "no sir I like that hand". She gets his mask off, and he's like "nooo you know how insecure I feel without the mask >:((((". So many knives. I mean so many knives get put into this man. He can fit so many. One is in his hand and he RIPS HIS HAND IN HALF to choke her after she slit his throat. I don't know how effective choking would be with a hand that fucked up but oh well.

"Do it pussy," she says as she's getting flashbacks to every previous movie, and I'm so happy I watched none of them and just this one. It's all I need. Allison comes in and slits his wrist. I was groaning. "Come on, you think that will work? What next? Is the blood gonna start seeping back into his cuts?" But apparently bloodletting keeps him down for a while.

Cops show up, "Micheal" "He's dead" "Not dead enough", THANK YOU ALLISON I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

There's this big procession of cars, everyone's there. We cut to several faces that would be familiar if I watched anything else in this series. I was like "oh my god it's just like End Game. Everyone's here and I don't care"

BUT GUESS WHAT? THEY THREW MIKEY IN THE SHREDDER!!! No fake outs, no Mikey getting up and murdering an entire town, HE WAS SHREDDED!! YESSSSSSSSSS! BEST MOVIE!!

I was a little bit in doubt. It's a slasher film, after all.

Allison tells Laurie that she believes her that Corey was bad now bc she just watched Heathers and took some notes.

There was a knock on the door or a ring of the doorbell, I don't remember, and I'm like "better not fucking be Corey, he got his privileges revoked".

It wasn't, it was Laurie's boyfriend. Oh yay. That man didn't die.

Okay. My attitude towards death in slasher films? I just like when unimportant characters aren't killed for the sake of it. It pleases me because it subverts my expectations. With films like these, you can only really trust that a character will survive if they are a murderer, which bores me. I like innocent randos living against the odds.

They cut to every room in the house, and I know that it was to show "look at all these rooms that were destroyed, now they are back to normal" but... Laurie... please move. Also I was expecting Mikey in any one of those rooms, but there was only his mask kept as a trophy, I assume. WHAT THE FUCK SHRED THAT, TOO. The continued existence of the mask is sequel bait, I know it's literally called "The End" but I have trust issues.

So? Pros? Okay, loved Corey and Mikey's relationship, it was funny. Just a couple of rowdy boys tussling in the sewer cave. Laurie is my bias. THEY SHREDDED MIKEY!!!!! YESSSSS!!!! Cons? I CAN IGNORE THEM BC THEY SHREDDED MIKEY!!!!

[dawning-day]

top 15 tv shows (in no particular order except i did number them bc otherwise i would forget to do 15)( love u @soleadita and fuck with the icon change immensely)

crashing (2016) call me marissa cooper the way i am ruthlessly stealing this pick but yeah it's. it's insane and fantastic and terrible and beautiful and so much happens so fast but its so so important to me

inside job (it's gross and weird and funny and sad and it's one of the only times i was genuinely upset when i heard about a show being cancelled)

young justice (pointing at an on fire garbage can - this is my son and i love him)

gilmore girls (comfort media of all time what else do you need)

bob's burgers (similar to the above it's very i am falling asleep to the weird bisexual man who is a mess at all times except for how much he loves his family)

fleabag (why yes i have a perfectly normal relationship with the catholic church and the concept of being truly known. why would you ask. and yeah i real life cried)

yuri on ice (idk if anime counts but fuck around and find out this is My List (tm)) ((it's beautiful and soft and lovely and sad and stressful and i listened to the instrumental track so many times it was on my spotify top songs. it's literally just a piano and a boy with a dream and i have wept about it))

given (it's the first anime i ever watched all the way through which in retrospect, fucking insane way to come out of the gate. as a Band Kid (tm) who wanted to be a theater kid but was bad at speaking in front of groups of people, this show did a lot to my psyche in the best way possible)

will (enough with the tears its time for something almost embarrassingly niche. in 2017 TNT had a drama series about william shakespeare and to this day it remains one of the greatest things ive ever seen. jamie campell bower plays the sluttiest version of christopher marlowe you've ever seen in your life. it's chaotic and ridiculous and i absolutely adore it. i have no idea where to find it im pretty sure they want us to forget it exists but i cant)

numb3rs (silly little show about a nervous man who solves murder with the power of math and being a pathetic little wife guy to the hottest woman ive ever seen. theres an episode about trains that i think rewired something in my brain)

white collar (look at me. obviously im a white collar guy. come on now)

invincible (i think ive seen the pilot episode like 4 times. i genuinely think it redefined to me what superhero media could be. oh i adore it more than anything. it's only 9 because i haven't seen season 2 yet but holy shit. holy shit. media of all time. if you want to know me fundamentally and wholly please watch the pilot. i'll watch it again anytime im not kidding)

teen titans (cherished childhood media of all time. only group of people who have ever understood dick grayson)

bridgerton season 2 (i'm bias on account of just finishing it yesterday but holy shit two people have never been in love like they are in love)

the flash (cw) (im sorry to both my mother and god for this one but unfortunately i don't have taste and also it's the reason i started caring about dc in the first place which is the reason i got back on tumblr and met all the cherished gay people in my telephone so yeah. barry allen's allowed to be cringe as fuck i owe him everything)

leo already tagged everyone i know on here but if u see this pls do it and @ me im nosy

[gerardpilled]

I'm not even particularly invested in this bc I don't read MCR fanfic, but you shouldn't go around saying people who enjoy fanfic need to be psychological evaluated, this only makes you sound like a bully who gets off on guilty tripping people. Just leave them be. Also, I'm guessing you're lacking a little context, but the bulk of MCR fans were actually 13-15 when the band peaked and they just believed in the stage gay the band members performed at their live concerts. It's important taking this in the context that in the mid 2000s any kind of queer representation in media was nonexistent or completely stereotyping and offensive (I recommend watching @verilybitchie video on emo subculture and bisexuality). Sometimes, believing in something, even as absurd as it may sound, is important to people and how they understood their own identities. T.a.T.u was fake af and yet I don't think I'd have come to terms with my own identity, sexuality and so on so early on if I hadn't had watched two girls singing about their undying love for each other on MTV. I know it's easier shitting on people when you dehumanize them as some kind of horny weirdo nasty queer girls that are somehow abusing these middle aged white celebrities for fantasizing about them, but to most people, these famous rock stars live in another world quite literally. Maybe you're a upper middle class person who lives in LA and meets celebrities grocery shopping on a regular basis, but remember that these artists are actually famous world wide and most fans won't ever be able to see them playing live. And then, there's the fact that in most cases, it's journalists that bring up fanfic during interviews for shock value, and not the fans. Also, you guys seriously need to stop overreacting about shit celebrities said 15 years ago on twitter.

Hi, okay so you’re referring to this post I made but the thing is I wasn’t talking about fanficiton, I was talking about genuinely believing Frank and Gerard had a secret romance. Perhaps you’re right that my wording was a bit harsh and rude, but the over reaction was meant to be at least a little funny.

I read and have always read mcr fic if I’m being honest! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it because like you said we are never going to have contact with them and I personally can separate fiction from reality. I actually watched the video you’re referring to months ago and it has actually shaped a lot of my current opinions on the cultural impact of mcr. The thing is it’s not 2007 anymore and I was more referring to the people on tumblr who have more context than a stage kiss. There are people out there that when presented with all the facts in the world believe that Gerard and Frank are going to leave their wives and be together. I have gone through periods where I thought there was something more that went down between them but these days I just don’t really care if it actually happened or not. The way I read fic or think about their relationship is through hypotheticals where I think stuff like “wow if this actually happened it would have been so interesting!” but I know it didn’t. I would definitely be considered a “weirdo nasty queer girl” I just think putting genuine weight into the belief that they are in love does more harm than good to younger, impressionable people at this point in their careers. That’s just me though

[petewentzisblack1312]

hey dils! you’ve mentioned that when you arent listening to fall out boy, you’re most likely listening to punk (specifically black punk) — can I ask what drew you to fall out boy, then? was it the band’s background in the hardcore/punk scene? was it something else?

im always really fascinated to learn what draws someone to a particular type of music or artist!!

(for me, it’s probably how patrick layers his vocal harmonies. there is something really striking about the choral aspects of fob’s work (ioh especially), probably bc I grew up in the religious south).

hi!! so i actually got into punk music through fob and narrowed my attention on black punk becaaause i got tired of hearing white people sing fuck the police. fall out boy was my first foray into alternative music! actually ive told this story before but i saw a picture of an emo guy when i was like 6 or something and was like I Am Never Getting Into Rock Music Ever What The Fuck Thats Scary and then i got into fall out boy and did an art project where i had to draw peoples eyes and i googled pete wentz and i found the picture. bc it was pete wentz. full circle.

what really got my attention was the music, the first song that got me into them was immortals bc i heard it in big hero 6 and i thought it sounded so good and there was a quality to it that was really appealing to me, it sounded so unique to anything id ever heard before, and i listened to the rest of the album (on shuffle) and realised that was the fall out boy ness of it all. and then i listened to srar on shuffle, and then i listened to folie on shuffle and disloyal order came on and i was like wtf is this on shuffle why did the first song play and i was about to hit shuffle again and then. the organs. and i understood what music could be in the moment i heard patricks voice crooning over the organs and the lyrics clear as day, clear as crystal, clear as the voice of god in a mad mans head, i knew this was my kind of music. and no other band has ever done what fall out boy has done for me. paramore also sounds very unique though i have to give them credit they also sound good as hell. but i prefer fob. fob lyrics are a huge draw for me too! they both work in tandem for me.

and THEN. i found pax am days. and i found out i like my music hard fast and sloppy. and i got into punk music! i really like political music, and punk music does that for me. also sometimes i wish fob songs were faster and i realised its because i am a hardcore punk rock girlie.

anyway if i had to be specific about what i like about fall out boy, its the arrangements! the music has a lot of moving parts, and the lyrics are sung intentionally. thank you for the question i needed a distraction.

[josephtrohman]

your cat dog person analogy is soooo true

sorry to go off rn but those m cr fans are just soooo bitter for no fucking reason. they think their morals have to align with their music tastes and find any sort of way to find any sort of dirt on other bands they don’t enjoy. example i constantly see callout posts for band guys that usually overlap with similar fans and music with m cr. look i know band guys can suck and obviously they shouldn’t be praised like saints, but these out of nowhere callouts for band dudes i see are always from m cr accounts. are you actually wanting to call out shitty behavior or do you just want points for being high and moral because youre the fan of the most unproblematic feminist anti capitalist band who’s never done anything wrong?

they always pick and choose on who’s worthy enough to even be liked on some level of m cr example i remember seeing posts about how the savior m cr were the only ones there for paramore 😫🥹 they are just so cool like that!! no other bands were there for paramore 😞

they act like they are the underdogs and how nobody understands them, but i constantly see several thousand notes about how cool the band is on my dash every so often

they will always call other bands cringe or saying they never understood the assignment with their newer stuff or how they were just never on their level of punk rock in the first place. i seen people say m cr has always made consistently good music unlike those other bands who are pop sell outs but bitch your band hasn’t put anything new out in a decade how tf do u know 💀

sorry to go off, but god damn it’s just music, stop, whatever happened to the emo trinity, you all use to love that, what happened

thank you bestie!!!! NEVER be sorry for going off i am always here for it!!! especially when it’s well thought out like this. cuz a lot of my opinions UNFORTUNATELY boil down to “mcr fans annoying” (OBVIOUSLY not including my moderate mcrtuals!!!). im putting the rest of my response under the cut cuz i also popped off but a tldr is: u are the best and i love u.

i absolutely agree with everything you had to say here tho…like why do these people act this way. like babes your guys are embarrassing sometimes too or whatever. we all saw frank having an overpriced garage sale of his trash or whatever recently. not really anti-capitalistic to me sounds like!! that’s crazy about the thing you said about paramore tho cuz it’s like. what does that even mean to be a saviour of paramore????? as if they need saving?????? that doesn’t sit right with me for SURE to imply that 😡

sooooo real about the underdogs comment cuz like. i think that mcr feels like the most popular of the “emo trinity” of times past. it’s not like i know this for a fact but i don’t know anyone else irl that is into fob that i HAVENT specifically got them into them!!! whereas i feel like i have so many friends who are into mcr but had never listened to fob until i sent them my playlists. and also another piece of info that backs it up is i’ve gone to 4 emo nights in the last year, and the reception of when they play the black parade vs like…sugar we’re going down is like a BIG difference. except for maybe the specific fob edition, the crowd i would say is duller during sugar like 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄. also like i think you can tell by the dynamics on tumblr too, i feel like there’s like 20 fob girlies and every other bitch is an mcr fan here. we’re outnumbered like CRAZY. and the amount of times i’ve seen people be like “if mcr ain’t your fave from the emo trinity = 🚩” but people NEVER say that about fob. i think i had another example but lost my train of thought bc people are talking around me LMFAO

ALSO THAT SECOND LAST PARAGRAPH LMFAOOOO GET THEIR ASS!!!!!! literally it’s not that deep, it’s music, i get spicy bc i’m frustrated with fob being treated this way from people fob fans are allegedly supposed to be “making out with” or whatever. like i know i’m insane about my four men but they are like INSAAANE about their four men and it’s not in a cute way. as i always say, mcr and fob as bands respect each other and i GUARANTEE the mcr guys wouldn’t want fob to be treated the way these crusty ass mcr mainies treat them. god.

this was rambly, i have no idea if any of this was smart or good, but my main takeaway is to say THANK YOU FOR THIS!!!!!!! and i always appreciate the support ofc bc i’m worried i’m going to be eaten alive by the mcr fans bc they have a history of eviscerating us.

[obsessivelollipoplalala]

I'll never understand why Freddie stans hate Brian. As someone who's been ever so slightly insane about FM for years, Brian is my second favorite out of the four bc he's basically the founder of the Freddie Mercury fan club. (It's actually an in joke amongst my friends that he's the only one who talks about Freddie more than I do- but that's not really important). Like how dense do you have to beto actually think that Brian doesn't care about him and never did. I'm convinced the only people who buy into that narrative are either very new to the fandom or just Really want Mary's version of Freddie to be real.

Yeah, it was a big point of contention among me and the other Freddie fans/jimercury fans on insta back like 3 years ago when I had a fan account on there. They hated him and thought he hated and disrespected Freddie no matter how much I tried to point them to reality. I've talked about this from time to time, but there are three main reasons why Freddie stans tend to hate Brian, in my view: Brian says things about Freddie that they don't want to hear, specifically things which contradict their headcanons of him, they think Brian's love for Adam means he doesn't care about Freddie anymore, and it's because of Brian's defense of the movie. With the first one, it's usually people who are angry that Brian says Freddie was gay, vulnerable to being used by fake friends, and got fucked up on the club scene. Those three things apparently trigger people lmao. With the second thing, people are just idiots and can't fathom that Brian can love and respect more than one singer at the same time.

With the last one, people think that Brian can't actually care about Freddie if he so vehemently defended the film which portrayed him in such a shitty way. I get where those people are coming from initially, I used to think the same thing in my very early days of the fandom tbh, but then I actually heard Brian talk about Freddie and quickly saw how genuine his love for him was. It was Brian's clear fondness for Freddie that made me pause and listen to the things he actually had to say, and prevented me from becoming a Brian hater tbh. I read more and realized that Brian became very protective of the movie because he sees it as part of Queen and as a net positive for the band and Freddie, and Brian becomes very defensive of anything related to the band and Freddie. I guess I still wish he understood the criticism of the film more, but ultimately, I just decided it wasn't worth being mad at him over tbh when there was this tidal wave of quotes from him which proved that he did, in fact, care about Freddie, so I let it go. But there are people online who won't do that, they stop at his defense of the movie and don't listen to anything else he has to say because they hate the movie so much. I loathe that film, but it doesn't negate everything Brian has said about Freddie, and you really do have to be incredibly uninformed or straight-up deny reality at this point to think Brian doesn't care about him. Like you said, Brian was basically the founder of the Freddie Mercury Fan Club lol and has said some stan-like things about him

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

Your notes on the bear anon - particularly how we (and more importantly THEY) view their closets today - is more interesting to me than attempting to dissect the past. I have a very small set of core beliefs (no truths here) about the past and the rest of it I acknowledge I’m never going to ever understand or have resolution on but that’s ok bc my fundamentals haven’t yet changed. Still pretty confused about the present tbh in terms of how they feel about their closets today as individuals.

We learn about the past from the present and vice versa anon - I can't really separate the two. I think in some ways we're looking at things very differently - because I think in some ways where they are now, or at least where Harry is now, is relatively straight forward and it's how they got there that's a question.

As someone who has just been spent an evening with 50,000 other people who paid hundreds of dollars to see Harry - there is a tent pole explanation for what's going on that can bear a lot of the weight. Harry is a mega-star and fantasy-boyfriend Harry is absolutely central to his level of success.

I also feel like we have lots of indicators about how he feels about his closet. He seems pretty committed to the choice he's made, but I think he's fully aware of the cost and what he's had to give up. I think he feels he should be out and would like to be out, but not in a way that would change the path he's on. He seems reasonably aware of the dynamic - thinking of the things he said to his therapist from stage and the decision to do My Policeman.

There are a couple of questions that stem from this analysis - the first is why he doesn't come out a bit - make it explicit that he's attracted to men in a way that is understood as coming out by society. I think the fantasy boyfriend element could be maintained as long as his audience believed he was attracted to women.

And I have three explanations, which I don't think are incompatible with each other. The first is that I'm very sure that both the record label and Harry see the options as much narrower than I do (I think one of the things to understand about Harry is he thinks his options are much narrower than they appear from outside - I think his fear of being arrested demonstrated that very strongly). The second option is that he has a strong: "fuck off you don't get this part of me" reaction. But while I think he does feel like that (and he's basically said so) - I'm not sure it's core to the decisions he's making.

Then the third explanation is that coming out in a way that is compatible with maintaining a fantasy boyfriend audience wouldn't be true for him - and he doesn't want to come out in any way unless he can do it in a way that is true for him. I tend to think this is quite a big factor - and the longer he doesn't come out in some way - the more I think he can't come out in a way that is compatible with a fantasy boyfriend audience.

The other question is about the path Harry took. Given that in the very first interview he gave out of X-factor he talked about his attraction to men - I don't think the desire to be out (and the feeling that he should be out) are new. I also don't think it's that surprising that he ended up here - what your label is prepared to invest in you really matters in the music industry - and Harry moves towards success and large audiences like plants move to the sun.

What interests me is at what moments he felt like he had a choice and how he felt about taking that choice. I suspect it didn't really feel like a choice on within 1D - because it wasn't just jeopardising his career, but the whole band. But there must have been points in his solo career where he did feel like he had a choice (even if who he was and how he experienced the world meant that what he chose was pretty inevitable).

That's why I find the songs on HS1 so interesting - and the possibility that it was during the process of writing that album, not including Medicine and really focusing on servicing the fantasy boyfriend audience in this very particular way - that Harry made his choice.

**********

With Louis - the first question is what's the choice he's making and what is the trade-off - and there are much fewer indicators of what's going on.

If he's with Harry, then I think the reasons for his closet are reasonably straight forward. If they're together it's probably theoretically be possible for Louis to come out without outting Harry - but I don't think it'd make anything easier or improve anyone's life.

How he feels like that is probably very complicated and dependent on the nature of their relationship. But I think in some ways in these circumstances, it'd be much more simple to be in the closet for your partner's career than your own - it's much easier to come to terms with your competing desires if there's no idea that you'll someday have to resolve them.

I think if he's not with Harry, then there are lots more questions - particularly because I don't think it would hurt Louis' career to be out, if anything the opposite (although the point that the record labels and pop star themselves probably see the options as much narrower than I do is relevant here as well).

Therefore the options about how Louis feels about his closet - and the decisions and trade offs he's making are almost certainly a lot more personal and we don't have many points of reference that might indicate what they are or how he feels about it.

I do think they're together (and the fact that we get so few glimpses of what's going on for Louis and the closet makes me think it's more likely), so I'm not the one who is going to be really thinking through the options, but I am interested in these questions and what other people htink