#like. it is just. bad for your mental health probably to have this constant stream of people talking to you so they can hit on your friends

[captainjonnitkessler]

Content warning for transphobia

I'm obviously very pro-union, but whenever people on here act like they're an inherently progressive panacea for all societal ills I remember that the first union meeting I ever went to was the one where my local voted to cut transgender healthcare from our health insurance because "we don't want to support that kind of lifestyle".

A couple people posted about the TDOV in my union's subreddit today and the mods are fighting for their lives against a tide of disgustingly transphobic bullshit. The sub usually trends liberal and given a few hours, those threads will probably be pretty supportive but it still just sucks so bad to see a place that's normally very supportive and pro-solidarity suddenly turn into "i don't have a problem with you people but why do you have to keep shoving it down our throats?" and "I'm not going to support your mental illness".

Anyway I'm just venting a bit cause I'm having kind of a bad day. I'm lucky to have extremely supportive friends and family irl, and I know that there ARE people in my local who support trans people, even if its not enough to outvote the rest of them. I'm in a good place, it's just Kind Of A Bummer. Probably gonna log off for the rest of the day and see what not beaming a constant stream of bad news and culture war bullshit directly into my brain for 8 hours does for me.

[graphicabyss]

War and Alienation

There are many terrible things war brings into your life. There's death and destruction. There's the uncertainty and constant anxiety. There's the worry for your loved ones fighting. There's deteriorating physical and mental health. There's also the deep down guilt that many out there are suffering way more than you are. But one thing you don't see coming is the alienation from the outside world.

I like being in international public spaces like streams but it also often produces mixed feelings. On the one hand, it gives me the sorely lacking sense of normalcy. But on the other, it often makes me feel even lonelier than I am.

I am not that different from the First World people there. I speak the same language, I like the same games, I repost the same memes. And yet, I feel there's a deep abyss separating me from them.

And it's not just being unable to participate in the money-giving rituals when you have none to spare. In fact, even if I had more money right now, I would not direct it to foreign artists, no matter how much I appreciate them. I would direct it towards buying more drones or to some of the countless local charities.

It's sometimes hard listening to people complain about random shit like food or having too many games to play. And of course I know everyone's struggles are valid. But it's just hard to keep myself from commenting "You haven't had a good sleep because of your cat, ay? Well, I had a 6-hour drone attack on my city so that makes two of us lol." I know it wouldn't be good for anyone so I usually just hold back. And I, like other Ukrainians, often try to frame it in a comical or sarcastic way but it doesn't seem to help.

I am constantly torn between just chilling with the guys and screaming about the terrible shit that is happening. And it's hard enough on a quiet day, much harder when you have to step away from the stream because there are missiles flying your way. When you try to mention shit like that, it makes people uncomfortable. They usually just freeze and say nothing. It's too awkward, too unpleasant and they probably are afraid to say the wrong thing. So you only end up feeling bad for achieving nothing but dampening someone's mood. But it adds to the feeling of alienation. Ben told me I shouldn't worry about ruining the mood, which I am very grateful for. But I will definitely always worry about it. I don't want to be that person who comes and ruins the atmosphere. I don't want to be the 'war girl'.

And yet, I want people to care about us, just a little bit. To remember us and the shit we go through every day. To realize how lucky they are that they don't have to deal with war on top of money, job and family problems.

Nobody wants to hear about the war. People in the West are tired of it. And I get that. I can't really blame them. I'd love to just turn off the news and not know any of this. But I can't. And if it's tiring to just hear about it, I'd love them to try to imaging how tiring it is living through it. After nearly 2 years, it's taken a heavy toll on us all. And this war fatigue ultimately translates to less support for Ukraine, to less military help and less hope for us to survive it and that is scary.

[processingabuse]

I had really bad mental health these past few days and I realized it might have something to do with the film Killers of the Flower Moon coming out this weekend. I think it genuinely triggered my cptsd, but I don't know how to make that not sound dumb. Leonardo Dicaprio and Martin Scorsese (their films separately and together) were my OBSESSIONS when I was in high school. Unhealthy, all-consuming obsessions. It was the first time I had an interest of my own without my parents telling me what I liked and what I didn't like. They had to approve of it or I would never have let my self like it in the first place, but once I had permission it was the first interest I had that I let myself run with at least in the privacy of my own brain. My teenage years were filled with constant chaos and abuse and manipulation and screaming and hopelessness and dissociation because I couldn't feel anything that I wasn't allowed to. But when I watched Leonardo Dicaprio act, when Martin Scorsese sucked me into the worlds he created, I was allowed to be sad or scared, I was allowed to escape. Not to a world more pleasant than mine, but to a world where brutality was artfully rendered and I could become briefly in touch with feelings I pushed away in real life because it wasn't safe there. I didn't have any agency over my own life, I made no decisions for myself, I had nowhere to go to escape the chaos and abuse, so I retreated into their films because it was the only way I knew how to cope. I've been away from the abuse for almost 4 and a half years now. I have a sense of self, I have agency. I'm struggling really bad with mental health every day, but I own my own mind and I can feel whatever I want at any time because I am a whole person, not a shell. It's been a long time since I've watched either of their films, not because I'm not still a big fan, but because it's just too painful. With advertisements and reminders of Killers of the Flower Moon everywhere it's gotten to me in a way I didn't expect. Even just seeing Leonardo Dicaprio's face in the trailers is making me feel a lot of feelings. And it's not like I freak out at every reminder of it, but the cumulative effect of seeing it everywhere I think really got to me. Even the smallest thing about it is like "Hey, do you remember when you were in so much pain all the time every day? Do you remember when this meant the world to you because your world was too horrible to articulate? Remember when this was a hollow replacement for being a person? Remember when you loved him because no one loved you? Remember when he was the only way you could feel?" They represent so many years lost to abuse, and the immense grief that comes with that. I'm free from the clutches of abuse and in a lot of ways I am in a much better place, but I still struggle a lot. And their films, for better or worse, filled the hole in my heart at least temporarily, and there's a part of me that (especially since it's gotten such rave reviews) is afraid that it won't fill that hole in the same way. Not that it should or needs to, I've matured and I'm not dependent on it, but there will be a kind of disappointment if it doesn't because it's kind of like a helpful tool that you don't want to use but you like knowing it's there. Or if it does will it be like, relapsing? Like if I get really into it will it be like I haven't grown at all? I almost don't want to see it (even though like objectively I very much do) because no matter what happens there's downsides. I'm also a little afraid that I might just... cry the whole time or won't be able to finish it, because if the advertisement causes me this much grief, what will the whole 3 and half hour film do to me? If I get a ticket I might buy one way in the back in the corner so I can feel free to just express all my emotions that I'm feeling, and I don't think I'll wait until streaming because then I probably just won't get up the nerve to start it or I'll stop in the middle. Anyway, hope this made sense and trauma is weird.

[evilviolentwizardgirl]

This is a dumb rant about a dumb argument I had ages ago but I am still bothered sometimes by this really, really stupid in-person argument I had once about urbanism, cars, trains, etc. this one time with a person who had the most absurd argument you could possibly imagine. I was trying to explain how trains are much more efficient and safer than cars because you need like hundreds of cars to transport as many people as you would with one train, combine multiple train routes and you have an extremely safe and accessible city, and that trains are on tracks instead of being like a highway and there's this constant stream of cars with drivers with varying levels of care for road safety. And they tried to tell me that no? Trains are not actually safe? Huh? Wuh? I explained that yes, they are. You wait for your train and you get on the train and then it takes you where you're going and there is one very well-trained driver for the entire train. You don't have situations where a pedestrian has to to cross a busy street and worry about somebody in a lifted truck not even seeing the top of their head while they mow them down, and this person I'm arguing with tells me that no, it's not safe... because, and I'm telling you, they provided no other reason besides this... because it's super easy to off yourself by jumping in front of the train? And then they simply would not acknowledge me when I tried to get them to understand that the exact same thing is true of cars??? Any suicidal person will have--at the absolute very least--a completely equal opportunity to jump in front of a car as they will jumping in front of a train? In fact, cars are probably a lot more easy to jump in front of because they are absolutely everywhere? Like, even in cities with lots of trains... the street is right outside your door? It's so much easier to just step onto that? This person tried to argue safety statistics, despite both of us having none prepared, and I tried to explain to them that even if we had such statistics to go off of, that statistics about suicide are not the same thing as statistics about accidental deaths... And then they acted like I was being... super fucking insensitive about suicide? Like, no, I'm not!? Suicide is about mental health rather than physical safety?! For the love of god?! It's not insensitive to point out that killing yourself on purpose because of bad mental health isn't the same as killing yourself by accident due to the hazards of a physically dangerous environment?! Because... like... think through this argument with me, right? You can make the world safer to be in by making less hostile architecture, better accessibility, etc. But to factor in making sure that the world is also safe enough that a person who is suicidal would not be physically able to kill themself? Like??? Think about what you are saying?? Do you realize that that very much in fact means we would basically have to toddler-proof the entire outdoor world? Which, is both a practically impossible task as well as one that would make for a really boring dystopia novel? You can't just get rid of every tall building!? You can't just get rid of every cliff or ravine!? You can't just get rid of every single person's access to every single dangerous environment, substance, or object?! And somehow I was the bad guy for pointing out that suicide is a mental health issue rather than a safe urban design question? How!? How on earth were they making this argument with me when I was trying to explain that trains are safer than cars?

[witchesbe-like]

What TF is a spirit attachment

As I understand it, a spirit attachment is a collective of negative energy, or a form of an entity that has attached itself to you for various reasons, usually not good ones. Sometimes (most of the time really) the attachment is from you. You have harbored some negativity in your life that has now manifested into its own energy-form and is currently hanging out dragging you down. Things that can cause this? Maybe a bad break-up, a rough patch at work, or anything that seems to cause extended periods of mental distress. (Think trauma. Also this isn’t your fault sometimes it just happens because life.) Constant self-doubt, anguish, or negativity forms these things into bad energy fields that just hang around our aura making us feel like absolute shit for no reason. They can also cause us to get stuck in loops, attracting into our lives the types of people, things and situations that we have not processed out or healed from yet. 

The second kind, and far rarer are you have a nasty spirit entity clawing around you, and you need to get rid of it ASAP. Where can they come from? Could be somewhere you went that wasn’t really a spiritual ‘safe space’ but could be as simple as an old house or just a random place that had a nasty thing inhabiting it. 

Another more likely cause is that you attracted it to you with your bad vibes. (Sorry!) Sometimes these entities are pretty much just loitering around looking for someone to grab onto. They thrive off of our negativity. That’s why it’s so important to keep your space high-vibing, so you don’t attract any lower entity beings. 

How can you tell

There’s not really a ‘way’ to 100% clearly tell, sometimes you just feel off. Maybe you’ve had a stream of bad luck, sleepless nights of insomnia, nightmares or just generally feeling like shit for no reason. Of course these aren’t always the signs, so before you think you have a spirit attachment make sure to get your physical and mental health checked out first. 

You honestly probably don’t have one...even if you think you do

If you’re freaking out because you feel like you might have a spirit attachment, you probably don’t have one. I’ve only ever come in contact with one or two really HORRIBLE ones and one of those I created myself. More than likely if you are feeling off you just need to do a basic cleanse to get rid of any projecting energy BEFORE it starts manifesting into something larger. 

But in case you do here’s a cleanse 

Cleanses are always a good thing to do regularly no matter what. Especially for any magical practitioner because usually we are more sensitive to picking up energy and things, so it’s not a bad idea to start the habit of performing a monthly cleanse if you don’t already do so.

My FAVORITE way to do a cleanse is in a ritual bath. I realize not everyone takes a bath, so you can definitely do this in the shower or just stick your feet in water if you are pressed for time, space or privacy. 

What you need

One chunk of clear quartz

Incense (any kind)

White candles (My favorite inexpensive way to do this is to line the tub with white tealights)

What to do

Open the window. Even if it’s freezing, crack it open. Otherwise, your bad energy will just be circling the room with you. 

Light the candles. 

Light the incense. 

Lay out your quartz. Add more crystals if you feel it’s necessary. Sometimes I pop in a rose quartz for self-love because you can never have too much of that. 

You can also add herbs in at this point. My favorites are lavender or rose petals, but I HATE picking all that shit out of the tub, so I’ve gotten to the point where I’ll either put the herbs in a cloth bag beforehand or just skip it because it's too much trouble. 

Fill the tub and get in. 

Visualize a white light protecting you and your space and ask to connect to your highest self. 

Next, meditate until your mind is clear. Then visualize a bright white light coming from the center of your chest radiating out to your fingers and toes, removing any blocks, attachments or bad feelings. Imagine anything you don’t want in your energy space leaving out the window alongside the incense smoke. Stay as long as you need to in this space. 

[chalky]

The Commodification of c!Tubbo

This essay is unnecessary but I think about it too much so here you go

At this point, y’all are probably sick and tired of me rambling about c!Tubbo, as this is about all my original posts are. But, I feel as though this is an important aspect of his character that is either swept under the rug or never given any second glance.

Whether intentionally or not, Tubbo has been constantly commodified by allies and enemies alike (don’t even get me started on the fandom, that’s for a whole other post). Like, throughout the entire story of the Dream SMP, Tubbo has been looked down upon as a yes man, sidekick, or extension of another character who is incapable of making decisions for himself, which is such a degrading thing to experience for so long and explains why his character values himself so little.

This is a long one, heads up!

 I want to break up this dehumanization and commodification into three categories:

Tubbo is either a pawn (something to be used), a trophy(something to be owned), or a scapegoat(something to be blamed) to others.

Tubbo Seen as a Pawn:

Wilbur loved Tubbo, but his treatment of him during the Pogtopia arc was definitely sad to see. (Note: Wilbur was spiraling and his mental health was in shambles. He couldn’t help his paranoia and he deserved way better than the ending he got, but that doesn’t absolve the effects of his actions on others). First he took Tubbo on as a spy, a very dangerous role that landed him dead, but throughout Tubbo’s service Wilbur saw him as an obedient pawn, while not a loyal one. A pawn ready to turn to whatever authority figure commanded him best. His remarks about Tubbo being a yes man back this up, and the way he warns Tommy that Tubbo will betray them erases all of Tubbo’s identity and reduces it to that of a spy (again, this is born of Wilburs paranoia, this isn’t his fault).

Dream made it very clear that he regarded Tubbo as lesser than a toy, so obedient and trusting that he wasn’t worth keeping alive because he was so boring to him. The whole speech about Tubbo being worthless wasn’t even directed at him despite him being right there. Dream only addressed Tommy as if he was the one whose opinion on Tubbos fate mattered.

Jack Manifold literally used Tubbo’s trust to attempt to kill Tommy, saying that he was a sweet guy but way too gullible. No better way to treat someone as a pawn to further ones own agenda than by literally using them. (Him talking about how he’d be there to comfort Tubbo after the assisted murder of his best friend still mildly disturbs me).

Quackity managed to talk Tubbo into going through with the Butcher Army, using Tubbo’s power to further Quackity’s agenda (which, by Quackity’s own admission, did not revolve around the protection of L’manburg.) Quackity didn’t care that Tubbo was against violence, and pushed his concerns to the side in favor of his own ideas and kept comparing Tubbo to Schlatt whenever he acted in a way he disagreed with.

Speaking of, THE CONSTANT DISREGARD OF HIS DECISIONS AS PRESIDENT. His Cabinet never listened to him and lowkey every stream they had together was a bit frustrating to me (I’m also a sensitive bitch). They didn’t respect him in any way and undermined his authority UNTIL THEY NEEDED HIM TO SAVE EVERYONE’S LIFE. (Elaborated on in Scapegoat Category).

Technically, as much as I am a Tommy apologist, Tommy’s constant insistence that the Disc War needed to involve Tubbo kind of fits under this category. As much as Tubbo was happy to help, his involvement wasn’t really necessary, but Tommy needed someone to help him. This involvement nearly resulted in his willing death.

The only reason Dream even wanted to kill Tubbo, on top of perceiving him as useless, was to hurt Tommy and give him something of a “hero origin story” like Batman and his parents or Spider-Man and Uncle Ben. So, literally by Dream’s definition, he wanted to fridge Tubbo.

We could refer to Wilbur assigning Tubbo to presidency as Wilbur using him to make the explosion of L’manburg hurt more, but that feels like a stretch to me.

This may be a stretch, but after Tubbo is executed and Tommy starts getting mad at Technoblade, Wilbur eggs Tommy on by saying “Think of what he did to Tubbo,” while Tubbo is literally right there. His emotions on the event doesn’t matter to Wilbur, only how it impacted Tommy.

Tubbo Seen as a Prize/Trophy

The constant referral of Tubbo as something to be owned by someone, like during Wilburs speech of “he’s your Tubbo!”, is a bit off putting though I don’t think it’s meant to be malicious. Very rarely is the sentiment reversed, seen when Ghostbur gave Tubbo the Your Tommy compass, furthering the idea that Tubbo is an object, something to be sought after and secured with little opportunity for him to own something himself. It’s always “Tommy’s Tubbo”. Also when Schlatt gloated about having “his very own Tubbo”.

Tommy shows more possessive behaviors when dealing with the discovery of Ranboo and Tubbo’s marriage, asking about permission and insisting that Ranboo stole Tubbo from him. I’m sure this is subconscious, I know Tommy values Tubbo as a person but he still reduces Tubbo to an object to guard because he treasures his friend.

Another more vague example would be the fact that Schlatt exiled Wilbur and Tommy, but kept Tubbo as his right hand man even though it was clear he was on POG2020’s side. It was a way to insult Tommy, a way for Schlatt to add salt to the wound by keeping his best friend.

The Dream Team captured Tubbo very early into the Revolution, keeping him in a hole and holding him for ransom (this could be played off for laughs, I just remembered it). They also burned down his base, unrelated really but I remember it.

We could also count the way that Dream kept threatening to kill Tubbo if Tommy didn’t return the disc, but this feels like a mixture of pawn and prize, while still dehumanizing as it compares his value to that of music discs.

Yes, I am going to take c!Tommy joking about killing Michael to get Tubbo and Ranboo to break up so he can get Tubbo back seriously. The way he glared at Michael while holding an axe was just for the stream to see, if it was a joke I feel like he would have said it out loud. Even if it is a joke, laughing about taking something Tubbo loves away just to ruin his relationships is a bit yikes and frames Tubbo as something to be won back. You can ignore this if you didn’t see that moment as canon, but there are plenty of signs pointing to this being in character. (Also to be noted, Tubbo didn’t want to show Michael to Tommy, so Tommy ignored him and asked Ranboo instead, who immediately showed Tommy to Michael despite Tubbo’s clear worries)

Tubbo seen as a Scapegoat

His cabinet flip flopped back and forth on the decision to exile Tommy every five seconds. Whenever they spoke with Tubbo, they were all “You’re right! We’re going to listen to you! We have to do what’s right!” and then they hear a half baked plan and completely switch up on what they already agreed to do. (This happened twice. One at the sit down meeting where Tommy revealed Spirit and the cabinet joined Tommy in his mocking, only to blame him for how the meeting ended. Twice at the exile). So when Tubbo had to follow the original plan to, you know, make sure their country wasn’t put under lock and key until every citizen was eventually killed, his cabinet acted so shocked and betrayed and he was Schlatt and a dictator. It’s very true that he went against their plan (THAT THEY MADE FIVE MINUTES BEFOREHAND AFTER HAVING ALREADY AGREED TO THE FIRST PLAN FOR DAYS), but the way they treated him afterwards, as if he was a vile person for keeping his country safe, heavily impacted Tubbo’s mental state for a long time after. What I’m saying is Tubbo was set up to be the villain in that scenario, accidentally by his allies, and purposefully by Dream.

Tubbo was blamed for the destruction of L’manburg by Dream and a few others (also himself)

TUBBO IS CONSTANTLY BLAMED FOR THE BUTCHER ARMY ARC DESPITE IT BEING COMPLETELY THOUGHT OF AND LEAD BY QUACKITY (This is predominately fandom based).

The full blame for Tommy’s exile has rested on Tubbo (I will never forget Tommy calling him a monster), despite the fact he was manipulated and backed into a corner by Dream. Even when everyone has come to understand that Tommy was manipulated by Dream, the same doesn’t go for Tubbo and he’s hit with “imagine exiling your best friend” jokes many times.

Wilbur puts the decision of blowing people up at the festival on Tubbo’s shoulders, absolving him of the blame.

Schlatt made Tubbo tear down the L’manburg walls and the important signs so he could have to deal with the blame (though Quackity took the fall for this).

This is more theory based, but I fully believe Wilbur made Tubbo president right in front of Techno to egg him on to attack L’manburg. Since Tubbo would be the president, he would take the full brunt of Techno’s wrath (and he and Tommy did), and the destruction fell onto him.

So! With my text evidence we can see a recurring pattern in the way that Tubbo has been used by many people over the history of the server without much regard for his feelings. There are very few times when people besides Tommy ask how Tubbo feels about a situation, leaving him to his dark thoughts without anybody caring. Even during the Final Disc War, when Tubbo was literally moments from death, nobody asks how he is. Nobody (except Quackity once) checks up on him, and he builds up his community by himself. Until Ranboo came along, and I am not overexaggerating this, nobody was with Tubbo to support him. He had no support system and nobody cared. They just assume that he is always fine and if he wasn’t, it isn’t their place to intervene. Tubbo is just not respected, feared, or acknowledged unless he has someone by his side, or unless he’s doing something bad in which case he’s unhinged and evil and sure to have a villain arc.

This is just something to find interesting:

The only few characters Tubbo is actively involved with that hasn’t looked down on him as a sidekick or an object has been Foolish, Puffy, Ranboo and Technoblade. You could make an argument of how Technoblade referring to him as “government” could be dehumanizing but I don’t think I’ve actually seen him do that in character? I could be wrong though. Really, Technoblade takes him seriously, but way more seriously than c!Tubbo warrants. Like, he’s looking for a tyrant to beat up and Tubbo is literally just a guy with a lot of issues struggling to keep a handle on his cabinet, which I find funny. But, jokes aside, Technoblade saw Tubbo as a legitimate threat during his presidency and is respectfully cautious of him and his nukes presently, which is surprising to me. Ranboo adores Tubbo and all of his chaos that people are unaware of because they don’t get to know him well enough. Puffy just wants the best for all the kids of the server and knows how to be respectful of their feelings, and Foolish is respectful of Tubbo, if a bit annoyed and intimidated by him.

The point of this essay is just to show that there is a pattern to these things. This is how Tubbo is treated, this is why Tubbo is prepared to die for whatever because because he doesn’t feel he’s worth anything while alive, and this is why it’s frustrating to see characters call him a follower, pawn, or yes man. And here’s the thing: I DONT KNOW WHY THEY TREAT HIM LIKE THIS??? Why him? I can’t really find out why this started to happen.

To sum some things up, no I don’t think every character who treats him poorly is completely evil. Again, some of this seems to be subconscious, some of this could be argued to be OOC, I just wanted to bring this pattern to light.

[princessofprocrastination]

Not Even Real (Sapnap)

MASTERLIST 

pairing : sapnap x reader

summary : everyone shipped them even from the start, but what they don’t know is that it’s all just a one sided love, and none of the relationship was ever real. (ANGST)

they think we live in a movie, that our love was created from the start, that it was written down on a piece of paper, that this was meant to be, that we’re lucky. 

but they’re wrong. they don’t know how hurt you are. they don’t see how unhappy you are behind the four walls of your room, when you’re away from them. 

they don’t know how hard you try to stop yourself from spewing out the truth. the truth he doesn’t want to let out. the truth that it was all for show. 

it started friendly, meeting each other from the love of playing minecraft. you met clay or more known as dream, first. you two became close on social media as you watched one of his first videos on youtube. 

the friendship was smooth sailing, and you thought your life couldn’t get any better. you then met george, but never made it to meet since you lived all away at texas. 

not long after that, you three became super close friends with nick, sapnap, it seemed so perfect, he was your age and he lived in texas, too. 

then you met the rest, like darryl, who’s known as badboyhalo. the five of you were inseparable, constantly playing minecraft, trying out new codes for your respective channels. 

none of you had met officially, in real life but nick and you agreed to meet since you lived really close to each other, anyways. 

it started as a friendly little diner “date.” when you two met, it wasn’t awkward, not even a little. you two would not shut up about minecraft or any other new games for you to play. 

and since you two also already had respective face reveals, you sent the groupchat a selfie of you two, showing them that you two had met each other, even before everyone else did. 

the rest of you did eventually meet, specifically in brighton. you all flew to england to meet them, you and nick getting plane tickets together and meeting at the airport on the day of departure. 

of course, as of many public figures, you get shipped with many people. 

it started of with dream, then george, thne wilbur, at some point because people saw how close you all were. of course soon enough, you and nick were bound to be shipped too. 

it was all an opinion, none of the ships died down, yet the ships just kept coming. you never thought it was annoying until you realize you fell for the one and only texan. 

you didn’t fall easily. in fact, you had only been in one other relationship, which had ended really badly that once you left highschool, you didn’t want to be tied down anymore. 

nick and you just seemed to be grower closer and closer together, so close that people started speculating something. 

of course, as a normal person, you had imagined what it would be like to date him, what it would be like to not be friends with him, but more.

and as a normal girl, before you sleep, you’d hope that he was deep in love with you just as much. 

but that wasn’t the case. 

nick saw the rumours, the ship comments. he wasn’t particularly bothered by them. and as of any big group, containing a girl, the girl was bound to be shipped with everyone. 

the boys had a separate group chat on discord. some things, they just didn’t want you to know. 

in there, nick was teased a lot, being the only one that was your age. 

he didn’t know why he thought about it, but he did. he questioned himself what would it be like to date you. 

no, not for real. he just thought about what it was like to fake date you and act like you two were a couple in front of your friends and your supporters. 

when he had told you the idea, you were shocked. thank god he called you normally, not on facetime, or else you would’ve made it so obvious that you loved him. 

your heart was beating out out your chest when he proposed the idea of dating.

but your heart sunk down to your stomach the moment he said that he wanted to prank people by fake dating. 

you never thought he would be that person. the person to break your heart. he probably doesn’t know it was hurting you anyway. but still, it hurt like shit. 

you two agreed that none of the other boys should know about it, and to only tell that that you two realized you liked each other and decided to date. 

since then, it was never the same. 

there were some pros and cons. well, more cons than pros, in your opinion.

sure, you’d get to act like you actually a couple in front of the camera and your friends, but that just made you feel worst. 

everyday, you heart just gets heavier at the weight of the truth on your shoulders. 

nick and yourself booked tickets to fly to england the second time, meeting an extended version of the dream team. 

you were excited to meet tommy and tubbo, along with the rest, of course. 

since all of you decide that it would be better to rent out an airbnb, everyone was staying in one house. lucky for you, niki was also there, which meant that you weren’t going to be the only girl. 

that also meant that you didn’t need to bunk in with nick, instead, you had to room with niki, which you happily agreed to. 

walking out the arrival hall with nick was hard, you had to suck it up and act happy for the sack of pranking your friends. 

nick had no clue that his proposal had been eating you up. he noticed that you were off but he just though you were having a bad day. 

when you all met at the airbnb, everyone was so welcoming and they left you and nick for a while to rest after the flight. 

during dinner was when it all went down. the questions spewed out like water. it never stopped. you would answer them but you’d leave nick to answer most, seeing that he made this up anyway. 

the night was terrible for you. to show the rest that you two were actually dating, you had to sit close to each other throughout the entire trip. you’d have to cuddle during movie night, sit by each other whenever you ate meals, hold each others hands.

you’d have to act happy in front of them, for the sake of nick. never in a million years, you thought that you had to sacrifice your happiness for someone you love. 

when you two flew back to texas, you tried your best not to say anything. you didn’t want to snap at him for no reason. you weren’t angry at him, how could you. you were just upset at how he’s doing so well acting it out. 

you were upset seeing this because this meant he didn’t even like you, yet love you. 

everyday, your mental health became worst. you couldn’t believe you’re even getting up to stream anymore. 

multiple times, you’ve asked yourself “why am i doing this? what was the point? what would be the consequence of just saying you didn’t want to do this anymore?” 

you knew once you said you wanted to leave this fake relationship that it would mean you’ll lose your friends, your only friends. 

as days go by, you didn’t even feel like picking up your phone anymore. you didn’t want to see the cute photos your friends took of you and nick. to which nick had told you to put as your wallpaper in order to make it more believable.

 the fans that saw your wallpaper on tommy’s vlog went crazy. they had see nick’s, too. a photo of you smiling. everyone thought it was adorable. and so did you, but you were more hurt than happy. 

you didn’t want to this anymore. you hated lying. to your fans, your friends. you hated how the truth weigh you down. you needed to tell someone.

since you and clay had been friends for so long, you knew that if you were to tell someone, that it would be him. 

so you called him that day. more specifically, you facetimed him. 

“hello?” he greeted me, but was confused on why i was calling him. 

“i just need to tell you something, and you can’t tell anyone else for my sake.” you told him, starting to cry.

“oh my god, you’re crying.” he looked concern. 

you poured everything out that day. every single detail you could spew out, you did. 

the weight on your shoulder lessened, but not enough. you needed to get away from all the chaos. 

clay was surprised. he never thought that the relationship would be fake. he thought you two are fated together. 

maybe it was just the acting. clay was surprised when you cried on facetime. 

this meant that it was very serious. he told you that he would be there for you throughout this thing, and that you’ll figure it out soon. 

during minecraft manhunt, while george was afk and you all weren’t recording anymore, clay asked nick about you. 

“she’s amazing man, i see her everyday.” he says. clay can sense the smile as he says that. 

damn, he was a good actor. you and nick hadn’t met since coming home from brighton, and clay knew that. 

you called clay everyday since then, always updating him about things that are going on. 

to clay’s surprise, nick hadn’t even checked in on her since they arrived back in texas. 

sure, nick is clay’s bestfriend but this was unacceptable. clay cared about you so much. he hated to see you this broken. not when the texan boy had no clue that this was his doing. 

you didn’t get any better. worse, actually. 

clay was nervous. he was so worried. worried that you’d do something you regret. something you can’t take back. clay wished he could time travel and make it better from the start. 

you hadn’t streamed in so long. your excuse was that you had been sick. acceptable excuse. but not to clay, no. 

he needed to act fast before you do something drastic. 

the fans who were worried about you constantly asked nick about you. 

“she’s fine, just feeling under the weather.” he’d say. 

the more you stayed in texas, the more pain it brought you. you needed to leave. 

you were in too deep in the nest of feelings you made in your brain. you made it so you could forget nick. but every time you open your social media, there would always be questions about nick and you. 

you were sick of it, the constant pain in your chest that never rests. the tweets that you would see about your disappearance. 

you knew people were worried about you. but to you, the only one you cared to be worried about you was nick. and so far, he didn’t give two fucks about your whereabouts. 

that sucked. but you needed to let go. 

when you told clay this, he welcomed you to stay with him with open arms. so you got right into work and packed all your stuff to permanently live with him. 

nick. he didn’t know what he has doing. he didn’t understand why he didn’t just pick u his phone and send you a text, to make sure you were okay. he didn’t know all this was his fault. 

it sounded selfish, but he enjoyed the attention when he announced that you and him are dating. 

he never really sat down to think about you. to him, it was like a contract. 

platonic contract for content. for views. like a script. 

the day you were leaving for florida, he sat down on his bed just thinking about you. he couldn’t understand why he was, but he did. 

he thought about how weird this was. script or not, this seemed wrong. very wrong. he never thought about your feelings. he never prioritized your feelings or you in general. 

he felt bad. now that he thought about it, he hadn’t spoken to you since you came back from england. 

he picked up his phone to call you, to ask if you were okay. it didn’t go through. 

weird. 

then he thought about the time chat kept on asking him about you, asking him to go to her house and check on you. he always told his fans that you were okay and that he had already gone to check on you. 

but that was far from the truth. but no one knew that. 

he didn’t know that the reason why his call didn’t go through was because you were on a plane, leaving texas, leaving him. 

he sent you a text so that you could get back to you later. 

he didn’t know that you were writing a paragraph on your notes app. a paragraph to apologize to your fans. to nick’s fans. for lying to them all this while. 

you held in your tears as you sat in the plane to florida for 2 and a half hours. although you were sad to leave one of the people you love the most,  but you knew that to keep your mental health stable, you needed to leave him behind. 

you bought wifi on the plane so that you could text clay and the rest of the boys, plus niki. you couldn’t leave them hanging, there were the people who stayed with you through everything, the good and the bad. 

you texted them on discord and posted the note paragraph you saved and screenshotted. 

you let out a breath of relief once you posted and texted your friends. finally, the heavy weight is off your shoulders. 

you saw a text from nick. you knew you had to restrain yourself. you couldn’t go back to him. it would hurt you even more, even if he didn’t know it hurt you. 

you texted clay once you landed, making sure he knew which part of the arrival hall you’d be at. 

you walked out as the automatic glass doors open, seeing clay sitting on one of the benches. you smiled at him as he notices your arrival, pushing your trolley full of multiple bags you brought. 

clay ran up to you to give you a hug as you got closer. he hugged you tightly, to show you that he is here for you, always. 

“i am so proud of you. for being brave enough to leave your comfort zone, for willing to start fresh.” he whispers in your ear, still hugging you. 

you almost teared up. “come on, let’s go home.” he pushes your trolley, leading you to his car.

you were drained when you came back to clay’s house, now yours too. emotionally, and physically drained. 

although that wasn’t a long plane ride, the sleepless nights are finally catching up to you. 

you opened instagram, remembering the screenshot you posted a while ago on the plane. your phone almost glitched at the amount of people tagging you or commenting on your photos. some even dming you. 

you were overwhelmed with the amount of support your fans brought to you. they told you to take a break, to slowly settle in florida with clay, away from the public eye. 

you also read all your friends’ texts. they were fully supportive of your decision. although it sounded easy, they said they were proud of you for even thinking about leaving your hometown, let alone actually doing it. 

you even opened the texts from nick. it went from “hey, are you getting better?” to “what’s with your post on instagram”

you thought about texting him, to get a full closure. some people needed that. and him being one of your bestfriends, you cared about him immensely. 

the most recent text he sent, said “i understand why you did it, i’m sorry i acted like i didn’t care. i hope you know that i’ll be here for you, whenever you’re ready to talk to me again. please take care of yourself. i love you so much.” 

your heart skipped a beat when you read his text, especially when he said “i love you”. you had to tell yourself that he didn’t mean it that way, that he meant to say he loved you as a friend, not a lover. 

you looked back at the screenshot you posted, rereading it. 

it read. “hi guys. it’s been a while, and i’ve been aware. i’m not one to lie, and i feel immensely guilty for keeping you guys in the dark for this long. first of all, i haven’t been sick lately, not a normal flu, that’s for sure. my mental health has been on the all time low. this had been the lowest i have ever been in years since i became a public figure. secondly, i haven’t been fully truthful to you guys about my relationship. i would just like to say that nick is an amazing person. he has never hurt me, not intentionally. him and i decided that it would be a great idea to fake a relationship between the two of us. this was no one’s fault but my own, for agreeing to it. i have loved nick even from the start, till now. and although i knew that i had feelings for him, i still agreed. and that is no one’s fault but my own.” 

you scrolled down more to read the next half. “i had to live with a heavy weight on my shoulder for a couple months, thus me making this. you guys have been super supportive through thick and thin, so i felt guilty for lying to you for this long. and to clear things up, this does not mean i am leaving the dream team. in fact, i am moving in with dream! i hope you guys understand to what extent this has gone to and why i disappeared fr so long without explanation. i love you guys, forever and always. thank you for staying with me this long, i hope you stay. see you soon!” it finishes. 

you teared reading it all over again. you knew this was a bad idea, to read it again. 

been only a day but you really miss sapnap. it’s not easy to drop every thing in texas to move away from somewhere that you’ve called home. but this is your new home now. 

-

SAPNAP’S POV

i knew i should’ve texted her earlier, to check on her, to make sure she’s okay. 

i knew there was something wrong, i called it. but because of my stupidity, i wasted her love for me. 

and for what? content? it wasn’t worth it. 

now i’ve lost her. potentially forever. i don’t know how to get her back. not after what i did to her. not after what my ignorance did to her. 

i needed to get her back but i knew that this break waws good for her, this move was good for her. she deserved the break she has now. and i won’t talk to her until she’s ready to talk to me. 

i’ll be waiting, till she comes. 

[yuurivoice]

i watched your latest stream and when you started talking about chronic pain, i cried,, i have always had issues with my leg joints, and even though your chronic pain might not be in the joints of your legs, its good to know im not alone,, thank you, yuuri

p.s: tell momiji and mochi i said hi :)

- 🌱🐈

Oh gosh, bless your heart. My friend Alice who saved my life with a slice of pizza last night, told me after the stream that she thought it was cool that I talked about my chronic pain and that it probably helped some people to hear an experience like mine shared. It is touching to feel like my story brings someone a little assurance and validation.

Chronic pain sucks, and it sucks that sometimes people can't empathize with how shitty it is.

During the ice storm I was unable to go get important medicine and my legs got so bad that it felt like I had stubbed all of my toes...for days. Just constant pain. It was a combo of the cold in my downstairs of the house where I do most of my existing and being off meds for a week that really fucked me up but it was a bad time.

It fucks with your mood, your energy, your whole routine when on some level your brain is constantly going "ow...ow...ow.....what the fuck ow.....ouchie...this sucks...it hurts to live" so...yeah man.

And I've sprained shit in my knees several times to the point that my meniscus slips if I'm not careful and bent my knees sideways so bad I had to forcefully knock it back into place. That's on top of the vein issues.

I'm a generally unhealthy man, but I have an appreciation for people who struggle like me because no one wakes up and says "today I want to destroy my body and be miserable" simply because they want to. My issues started with mental and physical deficiencies that were left untreated and it's like playing Jenga, you remove one of the foundational building blocks and shit tumbles over. My lack of care for my health was brought on by missing chemicals that made me sad and hate myself so much I didn't care if I did long term damage to my body.

If you're dealing with a disorder, injury, or anything of the sort, my wish for everyone out there is that you are seen and understood. You are valuable because you are alive, you are worthy because you exist. There shouldn't be asterisks or conditions for caring about people. You see it in treatment of fat people, the talking point of "well you can be healthy and big" like...that's true. Does that make people who are unhealthy less valid? Everyone's circumstances are different and we should not withhold care and empathy because someone isn't maintaining another's personal expectation or standards.

People become more willing to fight for themselves when they are shown love without condition, when they are told that they are worth the air they breathe regardless of circumstances. People become less inclined to try when they are met with judgement and cruelty.

Take care of yourself. 💖

[theprophetsaid]

I’M SCARED - ANALYSIS

While Another World will live rent-free in my head forever, I’m Scared makes me want to scream. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but I know that I had to do an analysis of this one as well. 

Disclaimer: I’m not telling you what to think. I’m writing my analysis based on how the song is presented. You are free to make up your own mind about it. 

Part I: This is personal 

Since I can’t find an interview where Brian talks about I’m Scared, I’ll discuss how he sees himself as a songwriter and how that influences the song. In an interview about his album Back To The Light, Brian says:

"(...) I can only function if a song means something to me regarding human relationships. I like to write about things that are personal, rather than about politics and other wider issues.” 

He labels himself as a personal writer who, above all else, writes about human relationships. That is important in the context of I’m Scared, as it allows me to assume that the voice in the song belongs to himself, not a made up character. 

Brian worked on this album during a period of massive emotional turmoil for him, while he was struggling with his mental health and thought his life was in ruins. That, as you will see, also relates to this specific song. 

Edit / addition:

Since writing this analysis I’ve come across an interview where Brian (very briefly) talks about the song: GW: "I'm Scared" is an interesting one.

MAY: Yeah, that goes back a long way. I kept doing different versions of that, as I kept finding out that I was scared of more and more things. And I figured that most of us are. We just keep it inside. I think it's good to let all that stuff out sometimes. Do a bit of screaming. — Guitar World Magazine, January 1993.

Here, Brian says that the song took a long time to write, but he also “confirms” that it’s about his own fears. In other words, this song is about himself.

Furthermore, Brian has revealed (on his live stream last week) that ‘I’m Scared’ is the first song he wrote for the album. Do what you will with that information.

With all of this in mind, I’ll break down the lyrics and the story that they tell.

—

Part II: The Story

You take me to the party You put me on the stand You're pumping up my heart To the beating of the band You toss it in the air And you don't care where it lands You take it, you break it You're hurting me There’s a clear dynamic set up here. There’s a ‘me’ (Brian, presumably) and a ‘you’ (someone else), but this dynamic is framed in a certain way right off the bat because the person he’s with is doing everything, and doing them to Brian (’You take me to the party’; ‘You put me on the stand). 

The phrase, ‘Pumping up my heart’ seems to be a metaphor for attraction and the heart-racing sensation that it often causes. Then after ‘pumping up [Brian’s] heart’, this person carelessly plays with it and breaks it, hurting him. This person that he’s with is in control while Brian is presented as passive and, frankly, rather powerless in comparison. 

Because I wasn't prepared I couldn't go where you dared You got my whole soul bared I never knew that you cared (No it just ain't fair) I’m scared (x13)

This chorus more or less explains the imbalance in control by implying that it relates to bravery. Brian doesn’t consider himself as daring as the other person, which would make him less able/likely to take control in the dynamic.

Also, ‘you got my whole soul bared’ is interesting because it implies that this person understands Brian on an intimate level in spite of him not opening up; Brian didn’t intentionally bare his soul to them but they can somehow see it regardless.

You take me out to dinner And you swallow me whole You're nothing but a sinner With a dark black soul I figured I could handle you But I'm just a toy You're getting bolder and bolder You're just a bad bad boy

This verse is the game-changer. It describes that Brian went out to dinner with whoever this person is. The difference in bravery/control between them is consistent, but the metaphors that describe the dynamic here are not emotional as they are in the first verse. They are sexual. ‘You swallow me whole’, ‘sinner’, and ‘toy’ have those clear connotations, which heavily implies that there is a sexual aspect to this dynamic. 

(Moreover, being swallowed whole alludes to a... very specific sexual act and I frankly don’t know what to do with that information, but I’ll leave it here: It’s a blowjob, folks.)

Now, let’s address the elephant in the room, shall we? It’s that last line. It changes everything about this song.

Brian is singing about a man. 

The ‘you’ is explicitly gendered as male. That is non-debatable. Moreover, gendering the ‘you’ in this verse, specifically, is a bold move because it includes so much sexual language. Brian describing himself as this man’s toy, singing about being ‘swallowed whole’ and being unable to handle him... It alludes to a sexual relationship, and I didn’t read into that. That’s just how it’s presented.

What you staring at You're such a scaredy cat When I know that I just can't fight it So what you staring at You're such a scaredy cat Because I'm only scared that maybe I might like it

Edit / Section changed due to new interpretation:

This bridge is interesting mostly because of the way Brian sings it. The bolded lines are sung in a tone that’s different from that of the unbolded ones. It creates the feeling of two people speaking to each other. This makes even more sense when you look at the lines themselves. “What you staring at, you’re such a scaredy-cat” seems like a taunt, whereas “When I know I just can’t fight it” and “Because I’m only scared that maybe I might like it” are framed like responses to this taunt. This paints a picture of the man taunting Brian for staring/being scared, and Brian “responding” to this with the bolded lines.

Now, as far as the meaning behind the bolded lines goes, the ‘it’ is unspecific. However, when you view them in the context of the previous verse, which has a very sexual tone, I think it’s safe to assume what it is that he can’t fight. What he’s scared of liking. It’s about attraction, and it’s about sex. 

After this fear of ‘maybe liking it’ has been sung, the song breaks off into a section in which Brian sings about everything that frightens him. When you listen to the recording, the fears are thrown at you in a rapid pace and it’s difficult to hear them as they pan from ear to ear, but here are some of them:

I'm scared to change, I'm scared to stay the same I'm so scared I want to die I'm scared of dying I'm scared of my thoughts I'm scared of being found out

The bolded fear ‘I’m scared of being found out’ is the last thing you hear when you listen to the song because Brian screams it; it’s louder than anything else. But overall this whole section is a major red flag for his mental health deteriorating; it presents fear as a constant whirl in his mind. Each fear seems to produce yet another fear until it becomes a spiral of sorts. 

(Interestingly, the spiral seems to grow out of his fear of ‘maybe liking it’.)

Following this section, the lyrics jump back to the story of Brian and the other man:

You take me to the limit You take me to the brink You left me with the blues When you found me in the pink You know just what you're saying But your metaphors stink I gotta lick it,or stick it Or this is the end

Edit / section changed due to new interpretation:

As we return to the verse structure, we also return to the dynamic, with the lines “You take me to the limit, you take me to the brink.” These illustrate that the man has taken Brian to “his limit”, probably emotionally, and “to the brink,” which, again… if you look at it in relation to the language and connotations of the previous verse… it can be seen as a, um, sexual brink, if you know what I mean.  

“You left me with the blues when you found me in the pink”. As @iwilltrytobereasonable pointed out in the comments, in the pink is an old metaphor for being in your optimal state of health and wellbeing. The blues is a self-explanatory contrast to that. To me, this line is Brian saying, “You met me at a time where I was doing well but, because of what you did to me, I’m now depressed. So fuck you.”

Now, “I gotta lick it or stick it, or this is the end” is still mysterious to me, but as someone pointed out in the comments, it might be a form of ultimatum. Because this dynamic is written as sexual, I’m gonna assume that the ultimatum is, too.  Since Brian “couldn’t go” where the other man dared, does this refer back to that? Was he given the option to either “lick it” or “stick it”, but couldn’t go there so it just ended? To me, that makes the most sense.

The Hidden Lyric:

Before I move onto the melody, there’s one last thing that I want to talk about, which is a hidden lyric toward the end of the track. By “hidden” I mean that it wasn’t included on the lyric sheet, but you can hear it, muffled in the background. As Brian sings, “I’m scared, I’m scared” repeatedly, there’s a single time where you can hear him quickly yell “Maybe I’m wrong!” afterward.

So the hidden lyric is:

I’m scared (Maybe I’m wrong!)

And… this line kills me because, keeping everything in mind about the narrative of this song and the emotions that it discusses… What might Brian be wrong about?? And why does that scare him so badly?? I think it’s pretty self-explanatory but it seems to be an acknowledgement that he might be wrong… about himself.

With all of That out of the way, I want to end by discussing the melody of the song quickly. 

—

Section III: The Melody

If you read the lyrics to this song before listening to it, chances are that you’re gonna be thrown off as soon as you press ‘play’ because the melody and overall tempo of the song does not match the content of the lyrics at all. It’s a fast-paced, guitar-heavy beat that makes your head spin. The singing is aggressive and full of confidence, which immediately diminishes the heavy words that are coming out of Brian’s mouth. 

Because the beat is so overwhelming, Brian can sing ‘I’m scared’ about 50 times (or more, I haven’t actually counted) in the song and it won’t really land because the rhythm is too distracting. The rhythm tells you something else, it says, ‘bang your head and forget about it’ 

I definitely find it alarming that he sings about such intense fear in a nonchalant way, in a way that almost forces the listener to look past it. Why would Brian choose to do this? I dare suggest that it is to present this song as the ultimate case of irony. It’s as if he’s saying, ‘I’m pouring my heart out to you and you don’t even notice because I’m singing like everything’s fine. I’m pretending that everything is fine.” 

—

Final Thoughts:

So, why does this song make me want to scream?

Well, I think that should be obvious by now. I know this analysis could make some people uncomfortable but, frankly, I don’t care. I don’t think it’s appropriate to ignore the obvious implications of the song’s narrative simply because we don’t want to question what we think we know about Brian’s sexuality. The fact of the matter is that I’m Scared is about a man, and not only that, it is intentionally sexual in tone. That, I think, is non-debatable. What it means, well... As I said, you are free to ponder that on your own. 

[kaori-flowers]

Nikki and Ranboo my all time favorite siblings :)

Also I wrote some shit. It might be sad idk. Idk what people find sad and not sad. Sorry!!

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Nikki stood silently next to the others, and she kept her posture straight as she could. Her back was aching and her chest was hurting from the words that were being said. She held her composer, and kept her face dry but she was really hurting. Both physically and emotionally. Nikki glanced at the L'manburg tree and then the rest of the group. Her heart tightened more as the memories of this place resurfaced.  She looked down and away quickly, taking a slow deep breath.

"Nikki have you got something to say?"

Quackity had noticed her odd movements and the uncomfortable stiffness she had while standing straight. A few others looked at Nikki quickly, the mention of her name raised questions. To them Nikki was silent. Obedient. She did what she was told, sometimes speaking her opinion about it but still doing it. No one ever really second looked Nikki, just seeing her as a friendly person. That does what she's told..... all the time.....

"Um..."

Nikki was sick of it. She was not a shadow of Wilbur. She was not a shadow of anyone actually. She never will be, but that's what people see her as. It was wearing her down, and upsetting her more and more lately. Everything that was going on was so stressful and it put everyone on edge. So almost every little thing bothered Nikki now a days, especially since she was already extremely irritated. She just wanted to go home to her foxes and flowers, and relax away from all this pain. This war. The suffering. She didn't want to be a part of this anymore. So she decided that she wouldn't. She's her own person who is in control of her own life, and she's about retake control of it like she should.

"A-actually.... I do!"

Nikki moved quick, picking up the lava bucket with her bare hands. Before anyone could piece together what was happening, Nikki threw the bucket. It landed on a thick branch and dumped all down the side of the tree. The lava almost instantly burned the bark and flames errupted quickly, engulfing the tree. Nikki quickly kneeled and put her hands in snow as tears slid down her face. The lava bucket was insanely hot and definitely didn't let Nikki catch a break.

"Nikki!!"

"What the hell?!"

"What the fuck Nikki?????"

"Get water quickly!"

It was too late though because the lava was burning holes into the tree, and seeping inside it. Flames were raging inside the tree as the lava soaked into it slowly. The water seemed to just make the fire rage harder in anger at the attempt to stop it. Nikki looked up quickly as Tubbo walked towards her in an attempted strut. Nikki stood up and kept her hands held out in front of her gently. Tubbo stopped quickly and restrained himself from hitting her.

"Why. Did you. Do. That?! Are you a traitor just like Ranboo?!?!"

Nikki scoffed, rolling her eyes at Tubbo's question. She then gently flicked her head so the hair in her face would disappear. Tubbo crossed his arms and Nikki would have done the same if she could. But her hands are burnt. The others slowly encroached onto both of them, trying to figure out what was going on.

"Ranboo isn't even a traitor! He's just confused and new here! He doesn't understand that he can't live in peace and harmony with everyone. Im starting to agree with him though!"

"Nikki-"

"Shut up! You all need to shut up and listen! Okay?!"

Nikki never had such an outburst before, and it made everyone uncomfortable and surprised. Nikki was usually very silent and obedient to everything that was said or that went on. Suddenly now she decides to jump out of her shell and stand up for herself. She want's to be in control of her life from now on, rather than letting others control her. She is tired of being walked on and looked past.

"NONE of you care about me! None of yo-"

"We do!"

"No you don't! No one asks how I am. Or if I'm okay. No one even gives me a second glance, because I do what you all say! I'm letting you all run most of my life and it's horrible! I hate it! I hate this life that you all gave me!!"

Nikki's voice shook as anger and upsetness rushed through her heart, making her chest tighten. Everyone slowly looked around at each other awkwardly, feeling uncomfortable. No one here had ever seen Nikki so emotionally and defensive before. So it was extremely uncomfortable for them, and they had no clue what to do or really say. They were all used to her being obedient and doing what was asked with very little complaints. Out of everyone Nikki was the one that talked back the least. Until now of course...

"NONE of you are even my FRIENDS!! You only talk to me when you fucking need something. No one ever visits me. No one ever has a normal conversation with me."

"Nikki, I'm sorry i-"

"It's always about asking me to do something for you. Or to join your stupid fucking side. WHY should I even JOIN ANY sides?! NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME. NONE OF YOU ARE MY FRIENDS!"

Nikki's voice didn't bother to hide its emotion, shaking as her heart seemed to tighten in pain. Tears gracefully slid down her cheeks as she yelled at the people before her. Everyone around her was unnaturally silent now, unsure of what to do. None of them had EVER seen Nikki this upset or even crying like this. Tears were streaming down her cheeks in an almost constant flow. Nikki was so upset and she couldn't stop her tears or her voice from shaking. Her throat felt like it had a hard lump in it as she tried to hold back a choked sob. Her hands tried clearing her cheeks of tears but it was no use, because they just kept flowing like a river. She let out a shaky sigh and closed her hands the best she could.

"I am going home. I am no longer a part of this place or any of you. Do not contact me. You didn't care to begin with so do not pretend to care now."

"Nikki wait!"

"Don't touch me! I am DONE with all of you! This is my life and I'm going to live it how I want. I don't want to be your little.... little... SLAVE anymore. I hate all of you for not ever giving a shit about me!"

It was clear in her voice that her mind was made up, and the shock factor prevented anyone from trying to stop her. They all stood and stared in silence, watching her as if they had just seen a ghost. Which Nikki would now become a ghost, or at least a partial ghost. She wasn't gonna stay here anymore. So she was gonna end up as memory in the back of everyone's head. Just like what happened to all the others that left. They all ended up as a memory in the back of peoples head, occasionally popping up from time to time. Not something someone thinks about to begin with, but it manages to find it's way to the front of the mind.

"Are you okay?"

Ranboo wasn't good at whispering but Nikki was a little grateful he tried. He was late to the 'party' but caught the end of Nikki's speech. As her younger brother he worried greatly about her. Especially since her hands are severely burned, and tears were flowing down her cheeks like a river. She lightly smiled at him and nodded ever so slightly, linking arms with him gently. She lead him away from the people, and away from L'manburg. She was done with them. With that place. It was no longer a part of her and never would be ever again.

"Here, they can't see us."

Ranboo made her stop walking and pulled out his pocket first aid kit. She smiled lightly at the thought of her little brother carrying that around. Ranboo gently wrapped each of Nikki's hands with gauze after softly rubbing burn cream on them. Once both Nikki's hands were wrapped, she hugged Ranboo quickly and tightly. He stumbled for a second, surprised by the hug, but hugged her back right away. She closed her eyes and held onto him for a few minutes. Ranboo didn't mind and waited, as he would any other time. He figured she needed a hug and no matter how long it took he would hug her.

"So.... Does this mean I get to live with you now?"

Nikki's throat hurt immensely after she coughed out a few harsh laughs. Ranboo looked at her worried as she gently rubbed her throat. It wasn't too bad though, since she could still talk.

"Sure. We'll have to do some house renovations though."

She smiled softly, as she looked up at her tall brother. It took him a second to understand what she meant, but when he got it he smiled brightly. She hugged him again, this time a lot more gentler and less needy. Ranboo didn't hesitate to hug her back, resting his head ontop of hers. She sighed slowly and closed her eyes as she continued to hold him. Nikki was grateful she still had Ranboo. He seemed to the only one that actually ever cared about her feelings and well being. And even if he wasn't.... Well, now he truly was. He was all she had left now, except for her foxes of course.

"Come on, let's keep going. We have a long walk before we get home."

Ranboo gently nudged her back from the hug and gave her a light smile. She smiled back, nodding a little before linking arms with him again. They began walking the memorized path to Nikki's house quietly. Ranboo was constantly glancing over to make sure Nikki was still okay throughout the whole walk. He didn't exactly care about the house, more about Nikki. She was his only sister and probably always will be. She was so important to him and his mental health without her knowing.

"Thank you, Ranboo."

Her soft voice seemed to put his racing, panicked thoughts at ease. He smiled at her and nodded, not trusting himself to speak. Ranboo was a big softie when it came to his sister, and now it was all about her. He would do anything to protect her and if it meant making sure none of the people he thought were his friends come by.... Then so be it.

[hamphobicbasil]

different anon, as someone who technically is still a dsmp fan (although at this point i consider myself more a fan of some specific streamers who happen to be on the smp, and haven't watched a dsmp storyline stream since january), everything you said makes complete and total sense. i don't fully agree with every point made, but i agree with most of them, and honestly that -- combined with. y'know. actual person dream being revealed to be... Like That -- are probably main reasons behind my growing disinterest in the server itself. i still really like some of the creators, but. the story's degradation combined with some of the creators i don't like getting steadily worse... i really don't care about the server anymore.

but as someone who has kept up with the more current stuff, i can just say that. basically everyone is cheating off of wilbur's storyline homework in some way or another. quackity's current thing with las nevadas is being regarded as him "drawing parallels" between him and wilbur's character arc, and with wilbur being revived it's being seen as him being a character foil -- i do not think these people know what a narrative foil is, because it's not just a carbon copy -- but in all honesty he's just doing pogtopia wilbur v2. the egg arc has been "resolved" technically, but it less got resolved and more just petered out and died pathetically after a genuinely really good stream (red banquet) where they set up interesting things. it's just. done now.

techno seems to be incapable of allowing his character to develop whatsoever. he never lets his character suffer, never lets him hurt, and even outside of the monotone acting his character never loses anything. he's invincible and that doesn't seem set to change. even now, when he got tricked into being trapped in the prison, he made it clear that his character isn't even remotely bothered by this. does he have a plan to escape? maybe, although if he does it's gonna read as a shoddy deus ex machina because he didn't set anything up aside from "press this button and i teleport out." did he know he was being trapped? it's not clear, he might've known or he might've been just incredibly stupid. it's boring. he's less a character and more a brick wall with a rocket launcher.

and i feel bad for tommy The Person, because he's clearly gotten stuck in a bit of a content mentality. he got a big reaction from his character suffering in pogtopia, so he did the exile arc. the exile arc got a big reaction, so he did more similar things. it feels like he's gotten stuck in the mindset of "the fans like angst, so i need to continue to just endlessly torment my character with no purpose or goal." his "death" had even LESS permanence than wilbur's, because he got full on revived two days later just so his character could be traumatized some more.

the server is somehow simultaneously too ironclad in its story (not leaving room for others to jump in with ideas like a rp should, such as eret wanting to return in the pogtopia arc, or the egg plot being just ignored) and way too open ended (no clear rules or laws, lack of communication between people -- the "villain" team on the january doomsday showed up a whole 30 minutes earlier than the scheduled time without telling anyone, seemingly because "war isn't fair." those streams are an absolute disaster.) it's a little disappointing because some of the people involved are clearly talented; wilbur is a decent writer, although clearly more suited to a dungeons and dragons DM type of medium, many of the streamers are pretty good actors and not horrible writers / could be better with practice, and some of the newcomers, like ranboo, clearly have experience with roleplay character-driven storytelling and are very good when they're actually given the chance to do things. the whole thing is really disappointing, all in all.

sorry for rambling so much. tl;dr, you're absolutely right, it's disappointing as hell.

sORRY for not replying to this sooner- i read it earlier and completely forgot to respond

added a read more just in case this was a bit too long!

BUT UR ABSOLUTELY RIGHT ON ALL OF THIS- and speaking of "drawing parallels" with characters, i feel like its become a MAJOR crutch for the writers lately. its not only in universe with c!tubbo being compared to c!schlatt or c!quackity being compared to c!wilbur, it extends to myths too. i find the whole c!tommy = Theseus thing and whenever techno starts writing to be sorta a "get out of jail free card" yknow? they don't actually have to write their own plots or characters, just mimic that from myths and legends and i dont think it gels well with wilbur's somewhat original plot [i understand it was just minecraft hamilton, but it had some charming stuff in there yknow?]

and god yes you put my problems with c!techno into words beyond his voice acting, i don't want to imply that he's written his character to be invincible [or the olden term, a "gary sue"] but god it certainly comes off that way. i get so confused when i see people say "oh c!techno has been hurt over and over again!! why are things so terrible for him?" when he got "betrayed" once and that's it, its just so stupid and i cant understand the love for his character

and speaking of tommy, i totally agree. i dont mean to speculate on the kid's mental health since that's mega weirdchamp but combined with the constant angst his character is in plus his recent bad run ins with twitter, i hope he's doing okay. and on a side note, i hope his character gets to have the happy ending he deserves because man. Man.

BUT I HAD NO IDEA ABT THE EGG ARC KINDA BEING WRAPPED UP?? thats so disappointing oh my god. i'll read into it more since im curious about how it ended but god the fact that it sounds like it didnt have a bigger ending is just. wow. the annoying green man villain with no real motives and less of a stage presence gets all this hype and a bigger "ending" [yknow, him being sent to jail] than the eldritch creature that was growing throughout the smp?? wack.

i think one of the bigger problems of the dsmp story is just that. wilbur introduced some basic ideas and basic world stuff and instead of expanding on it gradually in a satisfying way, the new writers just went ham and didn't know what made the original so enjoyable, even tho it was, again, minecraft hamilton. i've seen some people claim that the new writers are better at precise intense moments but i heavily disagree with that, but thats probably because a lot of them involve dream yelling for his acting and i cant take that man seriously even in character.

but yeah, youre absolutely right on everything you've said here. they basically went "hey can i copy your homework?" with wilbur and somehow made things worse

[thehealingplum]

So I've realized why vent spaces are so bad for social circles. And this isn't to say it's the same for everyone. Maybe having a vent space works fine for you. But unfortunately I come from a very unhealthy family dynamic where we were severely enmeshed and nobody had any sort of proper boundaries.

In any case. Say you've got a group of friends. All of you love to do fun stuff together, just hanging out and gaming together. But one of them keeps complaining about their life. A constant downer. Every day they say something upsetting. All because you all decided "it's okay to vent."

Now, some people can endure this stream of negativity. If nobody could ensure such pessimism, we probably wouldn't have anyone working in mental and behavioral health.

In any case, when someone is perpetually sad, you feel sorry for them. You feel like you have to do something for them. You feel like you have a duty to save them.

Don't. People like us have access to counseling and therapy, and that's what we should be seeking. There are also websites where people volunteer to talk you through your emotions. Yeah, it's not the same as talking to a friend. But they are still people who care. They care because they know you deserve love.

It's... Not healthy to keep dumping your problems onto your friends all the time. Get help. Learn coping skills. You can do this. You'll be okay.

[liam-93-productions]

Liam Payne is ready to reintroduce himself.

The hunky One Direction singer-turned-underwear model is following in the footsteps of former bandmates Harry Styles, Zayn Malik and Niall Horan with the release of his long-awaited debut solo album "LP1," out Friday. The hip-hop and R&B-flavored set is a mix of confessional ballads and bedroom anthems, including hit Quavo collaboration "Strip That Down." It also features catchy co-writes with Ed Sheeran ("Stack It Up") and OneRepublic's Ryan Tedder ("Say It All"), and guest spots from Zedd ("Get Low"), Rita Ora ("For You") and J Balvin ("Familiar").

USA TODAY chats with Payne, 26, about his personal new album, past struggles with alcohol and One Direction fame.

Question: This album has been a few years in the making. How does it feel to finally put it out into the world?

Liam Payne: It's really great. It took a long time to finish off – not because it was hard to make, but we were having so much luck with the singles that we didn't need to focus on making the album at that moment in time. I was just kind of finding myself and finding my sound. And also in the band, we made albums really quickly: like two weeks' worth of writing and then a month of recording. So I wanted to enjoy this experience a bit more.

Q: You released the first single, "Strip That Down," back in May 2017, which peaked at No. 10 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. Was it a big confidence boost to have a hit right out of the gate?

Payne: Oh, definitely. It was crazy; I didn't really expect it. I knew it was great, and obviously having Ed Sheeran writing you songs is never a bad thing. So I had an inkling it'd do OK, but not as well as it's done. I mean, it has over a billion streams now. I couldn't have asked for a better start.

Q: How did that song shape your approach to the rest of the album?

Payne: It just helped me a lot to know that I could take my sound that direction – excuse the pun. Coming out of a band that did soft pop-rock music, it was a completely new thing for me. So it was important just figuring out that it was possible for me to do the music I really enjoy.

Q: Is there a new song you're most excited for fans to hear, whether because it's especially personal or unexpected?

Payne: The most personal song on the album out of all of them would be "Weekend." It kind of outlines my struggle with mental health and different things that I had (experienced) living my life the way I used to. It's probably something I'll never talk about fully, but there are a couple situations for me that I highlight in that.

Q: On "Live Forever," you sing about self-medicating with alcohol and wanting "to slow down when you came along." (...)?  

Payne: That was actually written about a good friend of mine who had a really severe accident that nearly killed him. He was living life in the fast lane and had this "live fast die young" (mentality), and it was time for him to wake up a little bit.

Q: You've been open about your own past struggles with drinking and your choice to go sober for a year. Was there a certain moment when you realized you needed to make a change and do that for yourself?

Payne: I think so. It was just a case of growing up, really. Luckily for me at those times, I had the best people around me to make me realize different points in my life where I could be better. (...) I'm still quite young – I'd like to think so at least – so I still have a lot of learning left to go. I'm still very much finding myself as a person.

Q: How do you maintain that balance now, of being able to go out and drink with your friends, but also do so in moderation?

Payne: I think for everybody, it's a constant learning curve. As you get older, hangovers become a completely different thing. There's that age-old saying, "I'll just have one," but you never really know. Sometimes it doesn't matter if you do make a mistake or the night does go a little too far. As long as I can get my job done the next day at a capable level I'm happy with, I can just write that one off as a lesson and go, "I won't do that again." I still like to go out and enjoy myself.

Q: Was therapy helpful in finding a healthy relationship with alcohol?

Payne: Yeah, definitely. I was helped to get sober by a (therapist) named Chip Somers, who also got Russell Brand through sobriety. I actually went to a meeting with Russell, where you recount stories and talk about different situations. It's nice finding people who are going through the same (expletive) as you are. For me personally, it was nice going with Russell because obviously my life is constantly documented and privacy is a huge deal for me, so (it was good) seeing that I could be open in a room sometimes. But it was also a little bit of a problem for me because I still couldn't be as open as I wanted to, just with the worry that somebody would tell somebody or might say something (to the media) when it was supposed to be anonymous. So I could never really be anonymous.

Q: Do you still get the sort of crazy attention from fans that you did with One Direction, or are you able to go out without being recognized?

Payne: It's died down. I actually think because everybody's grown up, a lot of the fans don't have time to spend outside hotels waiting for us and everything. The level of hysteria changes as your fans grow with you. I still get recognized quite a lot, especially in the U.K., but sometimes I manage to go out under the radar.

[nerdgul]

Could you explain the brain receptor thing and unmonitored internet usage?? I wasn’t monitored either and now I’m gay but like what else this shit do

i certainly can 

first off ill start by saying the internet didn’t make you gay. it may have opened you up a bit  and gave you more info on the subject, but thas you own shit my dude. good shit, but yours

and secondly, its way to late for me to be scouting academic articles n shit so this is gon be more of a long winded rant than anything proper. and even simplifying it down this is gonna get long and be badly spelled so sorry in advance (especially to mobile users who don't gets a keep reading break) 

*** now for the tldr; you may not have been monitored but things are significantly different than it was a decade ago. internet addiction is a much more prevalent and real problem. addiction of any kind fucks up how your brain chemistry. today’s tech is essentially heroin for kids and children do not understand the concept of self control. 

so children brains are not fully developed when they come out, but we’re learning and making connections from day 1. thing is is that when a connection is made it pretty damn hard to sever. even as an adult unlearning shit is a lot harder than learning it and when ur a kid your learning shit constantly and it gets cemented way faster. so essentially what happens to your brain in childhood will be pretty damn hardwired into you forever. (there exceptions of course but were talking habits and brain chemistry here) 

which means it’s super fucking easy to get a toddler addicted to shit. like stupid insanely easy. they're little fucking suckers for some sweet sweet pavlovian conditioning.  

but what qualifies as an addiction? a lot of people debate whether or not things like video games/internet can qualify as a legit addiction cause they aren’t chemicals that directly impact the brain but are instead things that cause your brain to produce its own feel good chemicals that still fuck up your brain. but they cause all the same reactions in the end. 

basically the internet make you feel good. you want to feel good all the time. you fuck up your dopamine receptors by overloading them with cat videos. it takes more internet to get the same good feel. you start avoiding other less pleasurable parts of life (school, family, sunlight). bam, addiction. 

i’ve seen toddlers that had symptoms compared to actual meth junkies, the only difference is that when a toddler has a screaming crying raging fit over not having their fix its seen as ‘kids just being kids’ and many parents will roll their eyes and to get them to shut up will just let the kid have 5 more minutes of screen time… or 50. but thing is, that shits not normal. sure tantrums every now and then happen but it is the responsibility of the parent to help their child regulate screen time because children are not yet developed enough to self regulate shit.   

this is especially bad for video games. it might seem harmless enough to hand over some phone game to your kid while your busy running errands to keep em quiet but mobile games are designed to be colorful busy give constant achievements and keep you playing (so you’ll watch more ads or pay more money). its overstimulation and the child doesn’t even realize it, instead they see anything outside the game as being the ‘too much’ and lash out at the parent trying to get their attention instead. 

and beyond the part of addiction too much screen time has also been linked to lack of sleep, delayed speech development, and poor social skills. 

babies literally need to be touched or they’ll die. lack of eye contact at a young age can fuck up their sense of self and connections to others. so if your a parent looking at your phone instead of your kid it already is teaching them the phone is more important. and when they finally get to the screen they will also start prioritising it over socialising  and i cannot stress enough how fucking important regular social contact with children is. they need it to develop right. seriously just look up ‘feral children’ and see what happens (granted those are worst of the worst cases but even self inflicted isolation still isn’t good for anyone). 

so what does poor social skills and a fucked up domaine receptor get you???  DING DING DING, LIFELONG DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY!! a slu of mental health issues just waiting to feed on them poor deep fried serotonin nuggets.  

now im not saying internet gives people depression. that would be a gross oversimplification of the subject. and in many studies its been shown the correlation (wich is very high btw) between internet usage and depression is because internet attracts people with pre-existing depression but when talking specifically about children who dont already have these issues its a different story. 

however if you were born in the 1990s to early 2000s you have a different story than children today. so far i’ve been talking about mostly toddlers who use modern tech (phones, kids tablets ect). millennials and early gen z era were a little special having grown up with this technology but in such a way it was much harder for us to abuse it. sure there were some kids who would play webkinz for 5 hours a day and live in front of the TV, but there would also only be a single computer in the house which the whole family shared, and the internet was probably slow so it was a lot harder for this generation to have these kinds of issues. TVs also had to be shared and had regular commercials and reruns so your get bored and go outside sometimes. no constantly continuous streaming of any new content at your fingers. things just.. didn’t need to be monitored as closely back then. 

thats not to say it didn't need to be monitored at all, but more so issues with technology were less likely to happen or developed to a far lesser extent. it’s also why i see a lot of millennials defending the internet. making memes about overprotective moms being worried about video games n shit. They dont relize just how different things are and what that means.

but the reality is technology as it is today is much different. everything wants your attention all the time and growing up in a world where you get your very own touch screen device at a young age to do with whatever you please, that opens the door to a lot more potential issues and they’re things we shouldn’t ignore. 

and thats not even getting into the specific types of content children could be consuming or the effects of social media and internet culture has on older children and teens. but thats a whole other rant. 

anyway if its requested ill make a more informed fully sourced post to tackle any particular subject with more depth, lord knows i’ve still glossed over about a million other parts of the topic, but for now hope this helps. ps; if anyone wishes to add on/correct me/phrase something better please feel free to doso    

[reeree1500]

The Return- Part 10

Disclaimer: YALL IM SO SO SO SORRY.😭😭 I have been horrible and not updated this story for at least a month.😬 I can explain though... University has been kicking my ass and between that and my co-op placement at a law firm.😅 Ive had absolutely no time to do anything😩 BTW IVE MISSED YALL SO MUCH❤️And Ive read all your messages and asks. And yes my mental health is now better and y'all are so understanding and supportive 💕 honestly could not have asked for a better group of individuals☺️❤️

Part 1 part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 part 8 part 9 Part 11 

Anyways onto the storyyyyy.....

Warnings: ANGSTY AF (kinda figured out that im probably a smut and angst writer at this point🤷🏽‍♀️), sucky ass grammar and spelling like always, my cliche imagination and the fact that Im probably a horrible human being😬😩 Also made it extra long cuz I felt baddd 

PLEASE DONT KILL ME FOR THIS ONE😬

Taglist: @yanii-the-hippie @oceans-daughter-3 @peaceisadirtyword @laketaj24 @camatsuru @youbloodymadgenius @calum-hoodwinked-me @cutegyrl927 @wuxiesalt @readsalot73 @cindy-exo @affection-rabbit @amy8220 @mel0nch0ly @queenofallthyfandoms @limbo-limbo-limbo @ragnarssonsbitch @supernaturalvikingwhore @ifihadwings128 @paintballkid711 @jenny-the-lover @funmadnessandbadassvikings @blonddnamedhandz @hallowed-heathen @pinkrockstar19 @ivarthethiccness

Sorry if I missed any of you💕 Lemme know if you want to be tagged. Also requests are open, and I’ve got a ton of them to do and finish. Hopefully Ill be able to post them soon enough

Arthur’s POV

“Arthur please! Open the door my love, I know what it may seem like to you, but I assure you that its not.” (Y/n) pleaded from the other side. I sat down on the mattress in our chamber contemplating whether or not it was true. Should I believe what my wife so desperately is trying to reassure me off. Or should I stick with my gut feeling and tell her how I have felt for the last 4 years. Her constant pounding on the door finally gets to me and I make my way to open it. “I wish to be left alone at the moment (y/n).” Her arms circle around my waist and I can feel her face wetting by back with tears. “Arthur please, talk to me. Why have you run off. You know that I love you. I do not want him, all he does is bring me pain and you take that away. So please, talk to me!” (y/n) murmurs into my back. As much as it pains me to do so I pry her hands off of me and sit us down on the bed. All I do is long for her touch, but this is not okay. I cannot keep feeling this way and go on pretending that I could have ever stood a chance against him. “(y/n), look at me. I love you and I always will. But its evident that you love him. and I honestly can say that I know I will never stand a chance against him, because the thought of you possibly running back to him has always been on my mind since the day we got married.” 

Her eyes showed so much pain that confessing this felt as if I was driving a knife through her heart. “Arthur, I love you. What can I do to show you that. Yes I confess that I was in love with him, but that was long ago and I have left it in the past in order to build a future with you. Whom I love and who I share and will continue to share beautiful children with. So please don't shut me out, Arthur.” She says leaning our foreheads together and holding my face in her gentle hands. “Ok, however I want to be able to process things by myself. So I have decided to have the guest room across the hall prepared only until I figure things out.” With out giving her a chance to fight back, I place my lips on hers and savour the kiss as if it were our last. Meeting her eyes was something I wanted to avoid as I knew that just looking at her broken expression would make me change my mind. I hastily make my way out of the room, but sneak a quick glance over my shoulder to find my wife staring off into the direction where I once sat. With tears streaming down her eyes...

Your POV

What had I done? Why was I such fool to not see what my husband was clearly going through? Millions of questions rushed into my mind about how to go about this situation. I loved Arthur, I was clear on that. But he spoke the truth, there was something in me that could not let Ivar go and it took hurting my husband and Ivar to figure that out. As I sulked I forgot about the doctor whom I had asked to see me earlier. I was having really bad stomach pains and my breasts were more tender then they had ever been. So I wanted to make sure that I was not sick, as that would have been the last thing I needed on my plate at the moment. “My Queen, are you alright? Do you wish to push back this appointment, I dont mind coming by later when you're better.” The doctor spoke from behind me. “Yes, it seems so. Ill let the servant girl know if I need you doctor. Im sorry for the inconvenience.” “Nonsense your majesty, it is my pleasure to serve you.” With a bow the doctor retreats from the room and Im left to my own thoughts once again...

----------------------------------

“(y/n), wake up... its seems that you fell asleep on the floor. Come on I’ll help you up.” Upon hearing Hvitty’s comforting voice my eyes flutter open and I cant help the tears that song come down my face like a cascade. “(y/n)! are you alright are you hurt anywhere? Why are you crying?” Hvitserk’s eyes scan my face and my body looking for the source of my pain, which is held in my heart, but he’ll never know that. “Arthur... He...” I try to find the words to say. “What! What did he do! Did he hurt you? I swear ill kill him!” With that Hvitserk tries to let me go and run out the door, but somehow I manage to stop him. “Hvitserk, No! He didn't hurt me. I hurt him... He believes that Im in love with Ivar, and I fear that their maybe some truth to it...” I say just above a whisper, with my head held low. “(Y/N), Ive known that since before you were married. It was obvious, but I would never say anything to you because I found that it was best if I kept such observations to myself, before I found out about your father.” Lifting my head and staring directly at him, I move my head to the side with a puzzling look. “What do you mean about my father, Hvitserk?” Hvitserk now mirrors the same lost look that I have on my face. “I thought thats why you and Ivar had gotten together, because Ragnar’s not your father...”

----------------------------------------------

Ivar’s POV

“Aghhhh!”Is the sound that comes out of my gritted teeth when the medicinal herbs are placed on my face. “That hurts like a bitch, get out! Ill do this myself if I have to. GO!” I yell at the servant girl who tried to cleanse and tend to the cuts on my face. “Ivar,  please let the servants tend to you. I still cannot believe that Arthur punched you in the face. Hehehe, you deserved it though, how could you question the paternity of his children and not expect him to want to kill you?” Bjorn laughs as he chugs the rest of his drink down. “Well, if you actually cared about your children and the heir to your throne, you’d also be quite upset to find a Christian King claiming to be their father. Those children are mine! And its pretty evident, just look at Marjorie. She's my spitting image.” I snarl at him as the anger begins to rise in me again. “Ivar, thats your mistake and why you’ll never get (y/n) back. You believe that everything should be yours. And that people are things you can govern over, but they're not. Because those are children. And yes they may be yours, but you cannot take away what they have known because you want to be selfish.” He says with a stern look on his face, whilst getting up from his chair and making his way to the door. “Now get ready and fix yourself we have a intimate dinner to attend to with MY sister and the love of your life.” Unbeknownst to us, there was Freydis on the balcony listening to our whole conversation. And little did I know that it would come to be the thing I regretted the most.

At the dinner I notice (y/n) sit on the opposite side of the table from Arthur. This wouldn't have affected me if it wasn't for the look on both of their faces. They seemed distraught and broken. Arthur masked it well, but (y/n) was an open book for all of us to know exactly how she felt at that moment. Not much talking happened, besides Marjorie and Erik shouting at each other on who was better at riding. They reminded me a lot of myself and all I wanted was to tell them the truth, that they were my children and that they would go back to Kattegat with me to learn about the true gods and not the fable that had been told to them about their so called ‘God’.” “(Y/n) are you alright, you do not seem quite like yourself tonight.” Bjorn states with a concerned look that we all share. Even Arthur looks a bit concerned, but his body language makes it seem as if he is alright and nothing is wrong. “Sarah, could you please put Marjorie and Erik to bed? Its getting late for them and they have their lessons early in the morning.” She says with a stern and cold look in her (e/c) eyes. “Su...sure your majesty. “ At that Bjorn stands up as if to accompany Sarah, but is quickly stopped by (y/n)’s icy glare and venomous words. “Sit your ass down.” At that we all look astonished, but Hvitserk only stares at her with sadness and what seems to be sympathy. He must know why she is like this then. 

Bjorn slowly sits back down on the table. A shocked look graces his face, as he cannot comprehend why she is acting this way towards her beloved older brother. “How long.” Is all she grits out through her teeth. “What do you mean, (y/n)?” My eyes meet Hvitserk’s own and the realization dawns upon me. She knows...

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Your POV

“Stop with the bullshit! I cannot take anyone else lying to me!” I scream as I bang my hands against the table, stunning everyone in sight. “How long did you know that Ragnar was not my father! How long have you kept the truth from me! How long have you known that Athelstan was my father!” I could careless about everyone staring at me as if I was a mad woman. I had been lied to my whole life. All I had known had been a lie, and the people who I trusted the most in this world had been the ones keeping it a secret from me. “(Y/N)... I..I’ve know since the moment you were born. But father had sworn me into secrecy and I could not break a promise. This doesn't change anything though. You are still my sister and you will always be.” Bjorn says in a haste as tries to come closer to me, but I step back and move as far back as I can. “Did you know? Tell me! Ivar did you know that we were not siblings!” Ivar didn't even have to answer. I knew from the look in his eyes that he too had been lying to me. 

“I knew.” Arthur says staring right at me. “I knew that you weren't his daughter and I knew that Ivar wasn't your brother. But I kept that information from you because all I wanted to do was have you by my side. I’m sorry, for the pain I have caused you (y/n). Im sorry for being selfish and not telling you the truth, but I now see that I was wrong and as of tomorrow you are free to go back to your country. I promise that your title and lands will not be taken from you or from the children. May they be mine or his. But I cannot go on with this facade anymore.” Arthur says in the most calm demeanour as he stands up and comes to me. “You hypocrite! How dare you make me feel like shit for harbouring feelings for Ivar when you knew all along and knew that my whole life was a lie.” I scream as I run at him and slap him across the face. But before I can get another punch in I feel a strong grip holding me from behind. From the shocks and the utter feeling in my stomach I knew it could have only been Ivar. As I try desperately to release from his vice grip, my whole world comes crashing down when Sarah enters the room. With blood all over her.

“Your highnesses...Erik.... he.. he..” She tries to say through her shock. “What! What is wrong with my son!” Ivar, Arthur and I scream at the same time. “He.. he’s dying!”

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We all simultaneously run after Sarah towards the doctors quarters. Ivar with his brace on, manages to run faster than all of us and busts the doors wide open. if I wasn't so worried about my son or upset about the fact they all knew Ragnar wasn't my father, I would've been impressed. “What are you doing! Get away from my son!” At that Ivar rushes towards the doctor who is bleeding Erik out. Grabbing him by the collar he slams the doctor on the wall and his sclera go into bluish hue, showing that he is in danger of breaking a bone. “Ivar stop it! Let the man go, he is just trying to help.” “Help my ass! I will not let you harm my son, do you understand me! I will not let you harm him!” At that Ivar lets the doctor go, but not without staring him down. And the doctor looking like he is about to shit himself. Rushing to Erik’s side I notice something strange. The colour of his skin is now fading and his eyes have bags under them. But what hits me the most is the memory of Uncle Rollo teaching me about poison. “He doesn't need to be bled, he needs medicine. He’s been poisoned...” 

“Mama! What is wrong with Erik! He will be okay right? He has to be okay!” Marjorie begins to say as she shakes with fear. Before Arthur or I could say something to console her, Ivar bends down and takes her hands in his. “Marjorie, listen to me. Your brother is a fighter and so are you. After all were related aren't we?” Ivar says as he lifts her chin. “Yes..I suppose that we are. Is it true what they say though? Are you our father?” At that Ivar turns to me looking towards me for permission. At this point I think to myself how hard it was to learn my whole life had been a lie and that I would not want that for my children, so I nod. “Yes, Marjorie I am your father. And no your mother is not my sister. It was something that we had to say because she needed to be kept safe.” He says ever so calmly. “Safe from who?”She questions “From my mother. Your grandmother.”

Cough*Cough* Spurts of blood cover me in seconds. My attention becomes focused in on my son again. “Where is the damn antidote! Please someone hurry!” At that Hvitserk runs into the room with a small green vial. “Here take this it should help him. Lagertha gave it to me before her and father left. Something about it would come in handy some day. Here.” Shoving the vial in my hands I open it quickly and lift Erik’s head. “Drink this Erik. It should help you, my darling. Please be strong, I know you're scared, but you’ll be alright ok. Everything will be ok.” I say through tears. Today had been the worst day by far. “Mira... please help my son. I know you're always with me, but please help me now. Pray for my son and ask God to save him.”

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A few hours had gone by and nobody had moved from the room. Arthur sat on the chair next to the bed with his elbows on his knees, looking straight and focused in on Erik. Bjorn and Hvitserk sat by the fireplace and were wetting some towels so that we could place them atop Eriks head. I sat on the bed next to my son and caressed his beautiful face hoping for a miracle. I had dismissed Sarah and told her to take Marjorie with her, but she would not budge. Sarah left, but Marjorie stayed and sat in Ivars lap asking him if Erik would pull through. Ivar was sweet to answer as best as he could, and I could tell that he truly cared for his children even if his demeanour wasn't the greatest. I knew that deep in my heart I would have to let him get to know them, but it still hurt especially knowing that he now was married. “Wait, where is Freydis? I haven't seen her since yesterday.” I say looking towards Ivar. “I dont know earthier to be honest, she's probably looking at some damn flowers anyway. Its best if she's far away anyway.” “Why would you say that about your wi-” “she's not my wife, at least not yet. Were not actually married, (y/n). I just said that to piss you off.” Taking a deep breath I go to stand up from the bed in order to fetch a bucket of water and some new cloths. Instead I end up on the floor cradling my belly, with a burning sensation in my chest and blood pouring out from my mouth. “(Y/n)! Mama!” I can hear the shouts around me. “Fetch the doctor! Now hurry!” The voices around me begin to fade and not before long I can feel myself drifting away.

“My baby... Save my baby...” And with that everything turns pitch black...

[xsoldier]

Neural Repository: Consciousness Stream on Self Pain

You always see the faves of the depressed people who've killed themselves, and they're smiling and happy. That's likely because tendencies of hyperaltruistic behaviour get exacerbated when there's an extreme lack of dopamine. People become disproportionately more likely to take more harm upon themselves than inflict it upon others. But they're not always that way. Some people are just genuinely cheerful and love putting out happiness into the world.

I know I was.

What most of you don't know is that it's the one year anniversary of the first time in my life that I can remember deeply and wholly wanting with my entire being to not exist. To be done & gone. To will myself into nothingness. To disconnect my conscious self, and just let my body be a stand-in until I could return. To freeze myself in stasis and come back to life later. Or just die since none of those other things are actually options. It wasn't for months still that I'd actually experience the helplessness that lead me to knowing exactly how I'd terminate my life, or experience the emotional roulette rollercoaster of not doing so (about 6 separate times now) purely through the luck of circumstance of brain chemistry in the moment.

Suicide is very much a crime of passion against self. Opting out, and unsubscribing from the flow of the every day that you just can't handle anymore. It's harder when you've very carefully thought through everything and still come to the same answer. I wasn't surprised when Dana killed herself. She was about the only human whose absolute desperation and inability to escape the moments of self were like a reflection of my every day. She dealt with depression and I didn't, and I learned a lot from her. I was so annoyed when she died, because it filled me with an imperative purpose that I had to fill, and it meant that that option wasn't available for me. I talked everyone through it that I could, I spoke about her death, and I never even received a farewell or details about why. The reason that I always spoke so definitively despite that is that just about my only skillset is recognizing patterns of human emotion, and it was like staring in a mirror.

I've probably aged a decade in the last year. You can be around people all the time, but that doesn't overcome the pervasive sense of exclusion and loneliness that becomes all-consuming from where we need it most. We work long hours, because taking time off makes things worse, as the only sense of belonging and purpose is the small refreshing breath of being useful when you're drowning in an ocean of complete despair. Drowning people don't LOOK like they're drowning. They don't yell, or splash, or cry out for help. They just struggle a little differently, and then sink.

I don't remember what happiness is. That's not to say that I haven't BEEN happy and had wonderful experiences over the last year, it's just that every moment sense, instead of experiencing bad moments, life has become a series of the good moments merely being momentary distractions from the deep and inextricable sensation of the endless chasm of the complete and utter abyssal void that is what remains of me. The deepest, most delicate, sensitive, and vulnerable part of myself was utterly disintegrated and my happiest and most confident self is obliterated as being less than worthless. The start of my descent was the limb-shattering drop to rock bottom, followed my months of clawing through bedrock with shattered fingernails splitting to the bone. The only constant sensation of being buried in the scalding frozen blackness, slowly suffocating within the claustrophobic emptiness of being absolutely abandoned.

I know people cared about me. I know people care about me. None of that even scratched the surface of this place. They were a glowing distraction that faded, just making every moment more and more desperate. It's like sleep paralysis, where even as soon as you know what's happening, and every moment just gets worse. It doesn't matter that you understand it, or that you know what it is and how it works. It gets worse. Loneliness is the health equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes A DAY. Our brain experiences the social pain of abandonment the same way that we process the physical pain of being HIT. You want to escape it and what's worse — you don't want help. You don't want pity. That hyperaltruistic trigger means that even causing someone a fraction of the inconvenience that the every day pain causes you actually makes you feel WORSE not better. You are a constant net negative on literally every. single. interaction. for yourself, but it's smaller when you just let it happen. Once you start talking about it, it ends up echoing like a scream that shreds your vocal chords to pieces in seconds and adrenaline and desperation are literally the only things you have in your veins.

Each day, you recognize yourself less. You end up yearning for the worst days you can remember, because it feels like a comforting familiarity. You don't yearn for good times, because you literally can't remember what they feel like. They're a distraction, not root cause analysis. Anything that isn't digging at the core of the issue is extraneous and worthless, and nothing else consumes your thoughts. It latches on to your basic survival instincts for food & shelter, it encompasses the entirety of your need for social inclusion. The idea of self-growth and healthy focus without meeting those other two things first literally doesn't exist, because your brain is CERTAIN that you are moments from death during every agonizingly hour-long second that you experience that state.

As serotonin drops your general harm aversion for others and self drops at the same rate. It doesn't make a dent in the hyperaltruistic behaviour meant to secure you a tribal in-group to help ensure your survival. Eventually you're a net negative on ANY given scenario, and you don't want to try with another group. You enter a state of apathy and learned helplessness. Every response to attempts at improving elicits a dysfunctional response, so there's no telling what actions or behaviours net a known outcome. The momentary improvements are eclipsed by the shattering insecurities and inability to do anything positive. I'd been sleeping with a weighted blanket for months to prevent the crippling anxiety, and my medication hyper expresses my need to take action on things met with an insurmountable apathy as a roadblock to all basic needs. I start to experience panic attacks to positive stimuli because I'm so used to dysfunctional response that I'm ACTUALLY afraid of feeling good, because the drop I experience afterwards is so far down. Every one of the brightest and most positive moments I've felt has been suffocated, and the darkest moments I've felt were the brightest. My friend murdering herself kept me alive, because it gave me a purpose. My friend who I saw 5 days a week for the last 5 years being DEAD was the moment that made me feel the most hopeful about myself in the last year. Knowing that I feel that makes me feel even worse. I've almost murdered myself 6 times this year — I didn't though. That's just circumstantial luck and brain chemistry because I'm existentially horrified of injury, hospitalization, or being in a mental ward. Deep down, I can't do it without a guarantee that I won't be certain that I'm gone and experience as little pain as possible in doing so… and that just hasn't happened yet.

It's part of why I left America and all of the resources I had behind. It's infinitely harder for me to kill myself here. I knew that the moment that suicidal thoughts were replaced with panic about my extant plans for self termination being derailed in my new surroundings. Again — it's a crime of passion against self. It has a lot to override to put you there, but I felt it was necessary to call out that I've spent a year with this as my constant daily "normal" and being very used to overwhelming thoughts of suicide and being well-beyond the most utter insignificance as my day-to-day, and it was necessary to time-stamp those thoughts.

Don't ever feel bad if you did or didn't reach out to a friend you lost to suicide. It's a very weird beast, and there's no telling how it's going to manifest. If we all had an "off" button on our arms, every person would have used it at some point, and the things that hold us back or let us make one vary greatly from person to person. I don't want to be remembered as someone who was happy to combat and offset all this pain and sadness. I just want people to know that I was that kind of person when I WAS actually full of joy and happiness, too. I used to be really great, and I'm still trying my damnedest to make the world a brighter place inspire of myself, and inspire of the fact that you're not in it anymore either. I miss you @acrid Every fuckin' day. Even when I hate myself. I really try to remember the best of both of us, and put it up on display for everyone to see, because maybe somehow I'll find myself again some day, too.