#like. there are frames of this whole scene that i could write essays about. currently obssessed with the thirsting face lets see where

[unproduciblesmackdown]

in passing saw a scene and a half of Young Sheldon like in this day and age can a new series (didn’t it start like idfk. last year. maybe the year before) where clearly a premise is audiences being familiar with your “we all know people who are just Like That right” character archetype it’s like. writers have to be at all aware that so much of that always overlaps with like unknowing caricatures of autistic people, right. and you’ve also made a premise the Young part so like, now the butt of the joke is like 7 or something

anyways from what i immediately gleaned the episode’s bit had to do with 7 or something young sheldon being preoccupied with trying to reconcile inconsistent details of lotr lore. in the first half scene a teacher remarks in front of the whole class that it is bad enough to be around young sheldon for an hour a day. in the next scene some [the comic book store guy who is a hippie and lore nerd] is listening to young sheldon and i’m like oh nice so this will be about how something uninteresting / weird to some is not universal and this guy will act normal to young 7 or something sheldon. the guy does and gives a knowledgable response & then you know, there’s young sheldon basically just clearly expressing the response in an involved / specific way some would find unusual, and then the punchline is comic guy having whatever revelation about getting to be normal now b/c he’s like gosh do i sound like that to other people

and i mean you know, given what we get when it’s like, this character is Textually Autistic. or even when like it’s a reality show and people are autistic and everything’s framed in xyz way. out here where sometimes winston [clearly of that “we all know people who are just Like This” genre] billions is given such verisimilitude / there are certain details at times that make it like, could anyone on the writing side of things be aware that this Could be a “oh, parodied Autistic People here” situation, but how then it’s like well would you even want them to know if the fundamental “punching bag / butt of jokes” status isn’t changed, which hasn’t yet ever changed for winston (though he is also a plot device in others’ character arcs, so he can get material re: that sometimes which lets him Not be currently punched / treated as a joke) so kind of have to presume it won’t. wherein like the highest hopes here even re: “you realize this is an autistic character, inadvertently” does in fact hinge on letting winston’s idiosyncracies simply ever be invoked in material that is at all sympathetic / just treats it seriously or you know, more matter of factly ever. where now it’s like well if winston & tuk being friends continues to be anything rather than a momentary joke to get winston, a third of tmc, out of the other two thirds of tmc’s way for a while, that’ll be the closest to winston being treated normally / sympathetically / matter of factly but probably only b/c tuk Also can be given [punching bag / butt of the joke] material so it’s like, well two wrongs make an amicable interaction....penning an open letter short essay to the writers that just goes “why do you think a character based at all on A Way Actual People Can Be would be universally regarded via a perspective that firmly Others him” like why are we never ever given winston any arcs for his own sake examining his emotions & motivations when this is a series about that, and not bringing up that i think he is autistic b/c then it’s like, well i’d just expect any incorporation to be like, we know winston is textually autistic, while characters & the material are as dismissive to hostile as ever lol, like well especially if the material itself operates the same, that is a bit worse. however if i was talking to will roland or his mother i would be more open about it all. or any other actors perhaps lol. if i had brian koppelman on the line i would ask for david levien but still be skeptical.

[some-pers0n]

I've finished writing about chapter 3 (of 5) of SANABI. The end is on the horizon! It's funny to me that I said I'd be lucky to finish this post by the lunar new year, because there's no way I'm wrapping this up by tomorrow (which makes me... unlucky?). But I've made appreciable progress, and in the end, isn't that what matters most?

I probably won't be able to work on the essay as much for the next week because of the whole Chinese New Year celebrations thing. What holidays do you and your family celebrate around this time, by the way? How big are your family gatherings? Are they utterly horrifying?

Writing question for you. How do you write really long (100k+) fics while making sure the content isn't filler or uninteresting? How do you sustain a long-running plotline?

And an obligatory goofy question: if you could live in the universe of one of your favorite book/book series, would you?

Ah sorry for this taking a while. I was busy hating on the Demon Show again.

How long is that essay again? Last I remember you said it was nearing 9k words. I expect that's been blown out of the water now lol. God the dedication one must have to have that much patience and love for a game to create such an essay. Me? I projectile vomited about The Character a while back. It was like 9k words or something as well. I do wish you well on finishing it!

The only holidays we celebrate around this year is either Valentines Day or Family Day. I only like Family Day cause I get a break from everything. No real family gatherings for most things. Usually it's just small family stuff. Though yeah family gatherings can get pretty intense. Last one I went to on my mother's side had well over 800 people.

Honestly uhh...hope and pray. Though if I were to try and frame it as actual advice, I'd say that everything should be working towards a goal somehow. Every scene should have the characters moving forward, whether it be in a way that's relevant to the overarching story or some interpersonal arc. Also I cram in as many jokes as humanly possible. Also the fic itself and its plot is generally somewhat split into sections, with the first act being relatively free from a big general plot and more about the characters and their introductions. The main real plot comes in about halfway through, but even then the fic mostly draws you in with setting up these characters and their own issues and deals.

Well my current favourite book right now is House of Leaves and. well. lets just say I don't exactly want to be trapped in a house that is also God that is also within several layers of metafiction. But y'know. It is what it is. For favourite book series? Uh,, hm.. Truth be told I haven't really read any big book series in ages. Mostly just one-off stuff. WoF I guess counts. I'd say HELL YEAH I LOVE DRAGONS!!! I wanna be a dragon and have fun. If I stay as a human? Yeah no. No thank you.

If the question was about me living in my favourite video game world then it's not even a question. Instant yes. I don't care about anything else.

[ohtendril]

"So, uh, what now?"

[buddielove]

Hi! I'm a gay fan of 911 and I have a question about the whole Buddie fandom. As much as I like Buck and Eddie, it's frustrating that a HUGE part of the fandom is pushing for these two characters to get together instead of putting energy into supporting Hen & Carla and Michael & Dave. Not to mention Carlos and TK in Lone Star. Can you explain to me the appeal of wanting these two men together? Wouldn't it be more interesting to see two heterosexual males just be able to bond in a non-toxic fashion? That's something we don't get to see often on television.

Hey! This is MAD long lmao I am so sorry! You caught me on a day I felt like talking! Also this took like a year to answer you lolololol. This does have a few ʻhot takesʻ so please be warned! So like in this essay....

So first I am also apart of the LGBTQIA+ community, so I do understand how it could come across as a fetish or being non supportive of the current canonically LGBTQIA+ characters, however I think a lot of the interest around Buddie and the want for them to be confirmed as a couple is how they are being written. Me personally I knew since s2 e1 Buck and Eddie were written not as rivals but as two people who would eventually become friends, but it wasn’t until the Christmas episode with the elf assuming Buck was Chris’s dad and Eddie’s partner that I was like ‘hold on!’ because I was really hoping Abbey would return and I didn’t see Eddie as a possible Buck live interest because of that. The elf’s comment wasn’t played off like most other shows would (think Dean and Sam arriving anywhere in Supernatural) it made me go back and look at the other episodes to see exactly how Buck and Eddie were being framed/written. And as we have moved into further seasons I think there has been a shift in how Buddie is being written, in s3 it was very much like two people progressing into a deeper friendship then the blood clot/lawsuit gets in the way and they both have to deal with emotions surrounding that, then Buck’s response to Eddie being trapped (we see how is he when Boddy is trapped in a fire WITH A GUNMAN, it’s emotional but not to the point is is with Eddie), even the love interests feel very pushed on us and there’s so little banter between Buddie about their gfs and how they feel about these new beginnings. It feels off, not like a friendship in the slightest, more like two people trying to force something and not wanting to deal with any other feelings. Then when Eddie gets shot and reveals Buck is Chris’s legal Guardian in the event Eddie dies, that’s huge, and he did this after only a year of knowing Buck (I have friends with kids. I’ve known one of them for FIVE years, I’m at their house every week, the kid calls me family. I’m person #10 on the list of ‘who gets my kid if I die’, not #1 lol) It just feels like it’s all building up to something, and people are getting tired of waiting for that something! We’re all emotionally tired from the past two years, and probably from many shows queerbaiting us and this is something that could happen, seems to be something the actors are ok with and the fans want. So why do they keep drawing it out. This isn’t about us demanding they ignore the chance to write a healthy platonic male friendship, or forcing two characters to be gay, it’s about holding the writers to what they’ve implied and seeing what could come of it.

Also think of it like this; If Buddie is confirmed it will still be a good example of a healthy friendship which then developed into something else, like Booth/Bones! Showing the natural progression of friendship to relationship that happens a lot in real life. It’s two men who previously (on screen at least) have only been with woman, but now they have an emotionally connection with someone which they then develop and explore. This could be 911’s first nontoxic depiction of two gay characters coming together, because sorry not sorry the canon couples aren’t perfect (which does humanize them) but they also reenforce harmful troupes that plaque the LGBTQIA+ community, which I’m sure you understand: TK was a drug addict, who only got with Carlos at first cause he was hot and sex was TK’s new addition (all gay men are sex addicts who do drugs and sleep with anything that moves). Carlos was ashamed and wanted to keep TK on the downlow (poc gay men want to pretend to be straight but have free access to gay sex). Hen cheated on Karen seemingly the first chance she got (lesbians can’t handle monogamy when pushed, and cheat on their long term partners). All known and documented troupes that happen far too often.

I’m not saying Buddie is some gay jesus ship that’s gonna save the entertainment industry but if done right it could prove to be one of the few healthy depictions of two men getting into a gay relationship we have. If they plan it out correctly, show us the relationship development, like they did with Maddie/Chim for example, Buddie could be used as a positive example of a gay fictional relationship (I really could go into depth about this. I probably should tbh).

As for not supporting Hen and KAREN, or Michael and DAVID, I think fans do support them! The writers don’t. If you read fanfics Henren and Michael/David are featured heavily in many fics, and ik some people might say ‘well they’re only there so Buddie can talk about their gay side!!’ but both these couples have their own fans and fanfic tags! They aren’t just plot devices in Buddie stories. There is a huge side of the fandom that supports Henren and wants to see more of them and their family. Same with Michael and David, during the episode where Michael and Bobby team up to find that plastic surgeon who was working illegally many people where ecstatic that we were getting more Michael/David content and that David was getting more than a couple lines. But sadly it seems like the writers only want to delve into these story lines when they need filler, they even miss opportunities to include these other LGBTQIA+ characters when it makes sense;

(Someone came for me about this but I am going to bring it up again)

When Chris is sad and wants more human connection, instead of bring Harry + Michael/David and Denny+Nia+Henren back into the picture (and yes I understood at the time the pandemic was bad (lmao still is!!), but all the actors at some point would have/had crossed over into each other’s ‘bubbles’, so ALL the actors would have been exposed to each other so getting the children together with adults they had ALREADY been with during shooting wouldn’t have been a super spreader event) but instead they brought in Ana after only two on screen dates and pretended like it was a logical thing for someone who’s up to that point been extremely careful with their child.

They really could have pushed the ‘118 is a family!’ message here and included the canonically gay supporting characters, and the lesbian main character(s) but they did not and instead chose to push the Ana/Eddie coupling even though they hadn’t properly developed it yet. The writers themselves don’t seem to care about developing their canonically gay characters and including them more than they have to but fans are continuously developing Henren and Michael/David with hc and fics.

I’d like to use your logic against you for a second, in s1 we have a very healthy, platonic friendship between Chim/Bobby but that got written out to the point they are more like boss/employee unless the scene calls for them to seem closer, we now have Bobby and Michael friendship but again we hardly see Michael. On Lone Star we have Owen and Judd as a really, really good example of a healthy male friendship but we see Judd more often with Tommy now then we do with Owen, and in s2 it’s overshadowed by Owen trusting Charlie from Twilight and constantly getting fucked over! Why can’t the writter just be happy with these happy, healthy, emotionally well male-male friendship they’ve already included and expand upon them. There’s enough drama because the show literally involves burning buildings and people’s lives being at risk from some natural/man made disaster ever 12 seconds. Does it need to have so much interpersonal conflict and male peacocking??

[pro-fangirls-unsocial-life]

Can I be a funky folk and ask a question??? 😋What is your favorite movie or tv show, aside from Star Wars?

You absolutely can!!❤❤

That is a tough one though. I’m a film major but like... a bad one I guess cause none of my favorites are any of the classics that we have to watch lmao. I chose my favorites based on how much fun I have watching them!

But also, because of that, it is hard to pick just one so I’m going to give you three random ones from my top ten list (excluding Star Wars of course cause those are definitely there lmao)

Movies:

1. Yojimbo (1961) This is probably the one that would be the most acceptable for my film professors. It was made by Akira Kurosawa, who some of you might know as a Japanese director who made quite a few famous samurai films. For all of my fellow Star Wars fans (and maybe other film people lmao), the episode in the Clone Wars and The Mandalorian where the small farming villages are taught how to protect themselves from bandits/pirates is based on his movie Seven Samurai (which is what The Magnificent Seven was also based on). And, the season two episode of The Mandalorian, The Jedi, was heavily influenced by Yojimbo, specifically this scene:

I highly recommend the movie to anyone because it is honestly very entertaining and for my fellow film nerds, the blocking and camera work is stunning (although Kurosawa is a fantastic director and his blocking of scenes is always fantastic)

Another little fun fact, the actor who plays the main character in Yojimbo (as well as many of Kurosawa’s films) was who George Lucas originally wanted to cast as ObiWan Kenobi. His name is Toshiro Mifune.

Another bit of trivia that probably none of you are interested in is that Kurosawa always tries to have an element in every single shot of his movies. The elements always have something to do with the shot, or story as a whole and add another interesting layer to the movie. Like in the shots above, the main element is wind, signifying the turmoil and unrest that is taking place (I won’t spoil the movie for you though❤ the plot is not at all similar to the episode of the Mandalorian so there is no need to worry). In another one of his movies, Rashomon (1950), the element throughout a majority of the movie is rain (water) and it does not change until the mystery of the murder that took place is solved, and the skies become clear. (I also highly recommend that movie as well)

2. Pacific Rim (2013) Ok, this one is just a fun time. There is nothing particularly groundbreaking about it (although the special effects are stunning), I just enjoy it. And, unlike other monster movies, you see the monsters right off the bat. They don’t hide them and the story is honestly really interesting. I just really love this movie. Its fun, the characters are well written and endearing (plus the side characters the gay scientists have a side plot that actually furthers the story, the story is interesting and the concept of drifting is beautifully unique and done very well, the score is phenomenal, and as I said before, the effects are beautiful. They did a very good blend of practical and CG effects and it really pays off in the end product.  Guillermo del Toro really put his heart into this (like he does with all of his projects I am so excited to see his Pinocchio movie) and it really shows. This movie is so good and I will defend it to the end of my days. Also for any of you that are interesting I am currently working on a Pacific Rim Clone Wars AU so... do with that information what you will

Side note, I really wish the sequel was good cause John Boyega is a good actor and deserves to be in a franchise that will use him and his talents properly.  Guillermo del Toro did not direct that one and.... it shows.

3. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018) I cannot shower this movie with enough praise. If you haven’t seen it, you need to. It is one of the most gorgeous, beautiful to look at, piece of art in every single frame thing that has ever been put to film and I will fight people on that (fuck you professor carter). The story is fantastic. The whole movie is a visual masterpiece and you can tell that a lot of hard work and love went into making it that way. Both the score and soundtrack are amazing. It is, in my opinion, the best superhero movie ever made. I could go on for hours about what a masterpiece this movie is. Please go watch it if you haven’t seen it.

TV:

1. Criminal Minds (2005-2020) I know, I know. Everyone loves this show. I know I’m basic. But again, I judge based on my enjoyment of things lol. I just like shows like this. I watch a lot of them NCIS, Castle, Bones, Law and Order. I just find them super entertaining (even if the writing can be bad at times *cough* final season of criminal minds where they tried to do a JJ and Spencer romance *cough*)

2. Face Off (2011-2018) I know there is a Nicolas Cage movie of the same name but this show is fucking awesome. It’s a reality competition show where make up artists are given a new prompt/concept/challenge that they have to do prosthetic make up for. It is so cool to see all of the designs and the process behind them being made. The first season starts off with a bunch of drama like most reality TV, but after that, the competitors are all mostly very kind with one another and it is a very friendly environment. Still a bit stressful because of the time limits but still a fun watch!! 

3. What’s New, Scooby-Doo? (2002-2006) If there is any show that was my childhood (besides clone wars), it is this show. I love this show with my whole heart and Scooby-Doo is very dear to me. Its just a fun kids show. Simple as that. But I absolutely adore it. 

Thank you so much for this!! I really love talking about movies and TV. And if you ask me a simple question, you will most likely get a mini essay as an answer lol.

I’d love to talk about any movie or TV show that you guys ask about though!!! If you ever want to send something in, please do so!!

[national-nobody-writes]

2020 Creator Wrap

2020 Creator Wrap: Favorite Works

I was tagged by the oh so talented @irolltwenties!

Rules: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (or so) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought to the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

I’m not a particularly prolific writer (WIPs for days, but completed projects? Not so much). Somehow in this hell year though, I did manage to complete more fics than in any previous year for a total of seven new works (~49k words, all on ao3), plus a chunky chap of a long running WIP (~20k words) so I’m actually pretty damn proud of myself! I also made some new fandom friends in 2020 which has easily been one of the biggest delights of the year & has definitely helped my creative momentum, so ty all for that. <3

Counting down from 5, here are my favs:

5. Downtime

I have endless love for JayRoy and it felt so good to finally finish something for them for once this year! All of my past WIPs primarily focused on them ended up firmly in my graveyard folder, including the fic that this one shot was originally meant to be connected to. I liked the way this turned out well enough to clean it up and post it on its own though, so at least now I can say that I have something published for them at last.

(Also it got me back into the JayRoy headspace enough to outline a whole YJ/Earth16 JayRoy fic that I’m excited to start drafting in 2021, so we’ll see where that goes...)

2.3k NSFW; A mix of playful sweet and roughness, just like them.

4. Mirror Image

Bluepulse Week really saved me this year in terms of forcing me to just write, damn it! Did I finish all the prompts this year? Nope. Did it get me to complete a handful of fics that I ended up really loving? Yes. This was one of them.

This fic zoomed into existence entirely out of necessity as an alt idea to a prompt that I had a much longer idea for, but didn’t have time to complete. It then got a positive enough reception that I decided to turn it from a crack-adjacent, passable one-shot to a slightly more developed two-shot by request of one of my commenters. Really, it was writing that second chapter that ended up endearing the fic to me.

6.3k Humor, time travel shenanigans & accidental dating. This fic is the sweetness of teenage crushes, the confusing mess of discovering your sexuality, & laughter with your best friend.

3. Soft Wesper One Shots

Would you look at that, another nsfw piece. Could it be that I’m starting to get to the point where I can look back at completed nsfw fics without cringing terribly? Love that for me.

This fic took me by surprise, tbh. I wouldn’t consider myself a part of the grisaverse fandom (I’m utterly ambivalent toward the OG trilogy & have no plans to read them), but I did fall deeply in love with the whole Six of Crows gang earlier this year to the point of having quite the book hangover afterward, unable to pick up anything else except related fanfic for a couple weeks straight. These fluffy, nsfw scenes were born out of that, and I was pleasantly surprised to see such a positive response to them in the comments. The whole SoC gang has my heart, but the dynamic between Jesper and Wylan in particular got my writing fingers itching.

3.7k Domestic, post-canon fluff & tender sex with flirty Jesper & blushing Wylan abound.

2. Stick With Me

Ohh, I still get warm fuzzies thinking about this fic! If I’m only low-key proud of the first three on this list, this is one I’m legitimately very proud of. I had this idea on the docket already from a convo with @ivyxwrites early this year (or maybe last year? who knows, time means nothing anymore) but used Bluepulse Week as the excuse to finally get started, and I ended up adoring the process of writing it far more than I anticipated.

As much as I love planning out meticulously crafted, plotty stories, sometimes all you want to do is pick some well-loved tropes out of a hat instead and run with them (in this case: stuck in a cabin, only one bed, & heated argument leading to confession). It was freeing to just mess around and have fun with this fic, knowing pretty much right from the get-go how I wanted it to unfold and seeing it so vividly in my mind. It also probably helped that I was writing it for Ivy; it’s much easier for me to stay motivated when creating directly for my friends.

Finishing this was also such a serotonin-filled burst of pure victory for me since, as previously stated, I’m terrible at finishing projects--particularly multi-chap fics, particularly within a decent timeframe.

25.5k A showcase of the essence of what I love about the best friends-to-lovers dynamic. Part character study, part wires getting crossed & uncrossed, and whole idiots to lovers. This fic is the warmth in the pit of your stomach from a yearning made real & the sudden clarity of realizing what you were looking for had already been there all along.

1. The Rest Pt 1: Delicate (Remember Me Chap 4)

Oh, Remember Me. Of everything I’ve ever written, this story remains the one I’m most proud of and certainly the closest to my heart (not to mention the longest running, whoops). The first iteration of the beginning of this story was actually drafted back in 2017, but I walked away from it for a couple of years before deciding to dust it off and try again. It has spiraled into something far bigger in scope than I originally planned for, but I’ve come to love the path it’s led me down so far, and finishing this whopping 20k chunkster of a chapter was like breathing a huge (if temporary) sigh of relief.

This chap was particularly cathartic to write because it allowed for a number of convos between the boys that had really needed to happen, and was finally the ‘getting together’ moment the fic had been building toward for a while. It’s also so sappy I could die, but I will not be apologizing for that, lol. I was really hoping to get Chap 5 up this year as well, but y’know. Sometimes things just don’t work out like you plan for and that’s okay. 

Chap 5 does have 17k done already (with prob another 5-8k still to go) & I’m itching to share it, but no sense in rushing if the end result would suffer for it. Luckily, everyone in comments has been kind enough to beat me over the head with ‘take your time, we don’t mind/we’ll still be here!!!’ which I’m immensely grateful for. So, at least the pressure to hurry up and get it done is purely self-inflicted.

Of all my works, this fic has not only gotten the most passionate responses, but has also been the main gateway for me to interact with other bluepulse creators, which has been a real joy. Nothing brightens my day like the essays people leave me over there from time to time after discovering the fic. That kind of engagement is the highest praise, & responding is very self indulgent fun for me (bc, clearly, I could go on and on about this fic & YJ in general forever).

54.8k total so far (WIP). Bart & Jaime’s relationship journey from beginning to ‘current day’ (aka the moment the fic begins), using amnesia/memory restoration as a framing device. The high highs and low lows of first love, navigating a 3 yr age difference, and the long, winding road from best friends to lovers as the years roll on. Slow-burn-adjacent (in terms of both the boys’ relationship to each other and reader’s relationship to the fic bc of how long I take between goddamn updates).

Tagging @ivyxwrites, @incorrectbatfam, @paintingwithdarkness, @bluepulsebluepulse

[centrally-unplanned]

Serial Experiments Lain: A Guide to Proper Mindfucking Procedures

(I finished Lain! I originally wrote here “will jot down some thoughts, maybe I can write a full essay sometime later”, reviewing it now this is absolutely a full essay, so scratch that lets commit)

Serial Experiments Lain is a starring member of the pantheon of 90′s “mindfuck” anime, those shows that supposedly blow the mind with esoteric philosophy and trippy visuals. Current-me has frequently sallied against this notion, particularly the idea that any of these shows (or most any show) are that philosophically dense - the nature of television & film is such that they almost never are, which is normally a good thing. But young-me watched Lain around the same time I watched the original Ghost in the Shell film, and I had that halcyon experience for both: intriguing, but also on the border of incomprehensibility. As such I held little opinion of either of them, not trusting my hazy memories, until I saw them again much later. Ghost in the Shell, by the way, is a terrible, painfully boring film, precisely because it tries to be that philosophy-mindfuck concept. Which can work when you are young and stupid, but once you have read literally anything, anything at all, a single op-ed will do, about “AI and Identity” or the like its ideas are trite and shallow while it has sacrificed characterization, plot, and pacing in pursuit of that failed dream. 

Lain on the other hand is a brilliant show that succeeds at that concept far better than media like GitS ever could precisely by not even trying to be that. The thematic foundation of Lain is actually quite simple; the openness & inter-connectivity of the internet is not just utilitarian but can offer a way of living that is seemingly brimming with unlimited freedom and emancipatory potential, but that promise is found fundamentally to be a hollow (ahem) shell, with reality being not only inescapable but desirably so. Or something like that? I mean maybe. Lain never spends that much time on answers, because those are boring; instead focusing on the actual experience of the titular Lain herself as she navigates these concepts. All of the content it throws out are lateral moves around this core, details to mull over as opposed to attempts to “go deeper”, which makes it not-that-hard to follow once you understand that is what is happening. There is even a scene where the, let’s say “villain”, tries to go full-philosophy on Lain: who is the real her? What is identity anyway? Plays that whole entire hand, and she replies:

Which, given that those themes are absolutely the themes of GitS, made me laugh out loud and yes is 50% of why I am comparing them. I am certainly not saying that Lain doesn’t have philosophical concepts, it clearly does in spades. Stitching those concepts together into a grand thesis, however, is just not the focus. 

What is Lain’s focus is mood, and I have never seen a show use so many varied animation concepts and narrative approaches all towards capturing a singular mood; that of the free-wheeling hacker-for-truth aesthetic of the early internet. It is of course famously filled with glitchy shots of Lain flickering on CRT monitors and horror-shadowy power lines, damn does it have so many shots of power lines. But that is covered ground - instead I want to note how often the narrative approach itself just goes off the walls in service of its goals. Episode 9 is the peak of that approach, where scattered throughout the episode is a fully-fledged documentary that starts with the Roswell incident, which it then admits is fake, nevermind! before pivoting to discourse about Schumann Resonances and the Earth as a decentralized Neural Net and...

Just a screenshot from an anime here folks! Vannevar Bush better have a Danbooru tag 

All of this information is “true” by the way, as in real concepts and thinkers and crackpot ideas...until the end, when suddenly its someone from Tachibana Labs adding Schumann Resonance Integration to the 6th Protocol and wait-a-second that’s the show-canon, Tachibana Labs isn't real. As a ~youth~ you might be foolish enough to try to figure out how say ELF bands might be critical to understanding the plot of Lain, which is a classic “philosophy mindfuck” mistake; its all bullshit, the ideas only matter in the most loose way that does not require understanding them. Yet, this is *exactly* what that early hacker internet felt like; crazy ideas being stitched together from low-pixel edited docu-footage repurposed to utopian futures or secret conspiracies, and by sliding this stream-of-consciousness braindump right into the canon of the show it makes Lain feel like a perfect simulacra of that age. To spend any amount of the runtime of an episode on this and to actually pull it off is queering the madness/genius binary in the hottest way. 

The reason Lain can pull this off is its other source of strength I alluded too - all of these visual elements are in service of a very human story, that of Lain trying to figure out her place in the world. And this arc hits one of my sweet spots for media, what I have called the “multifaceted arc” in the past, where instead of a show having multiple independent arcs for characters it instead has one seemingly-completed arc that proceeds to be refracted, challenged,and altered over the run of a show. I mentioned in my previous Lain essay how the show was using the visual language of exposed skin to communicate Lain’s digital emancipation, becoming Lain of the Wired. In those early episodes that is what is happening, and this process peaks around the halfway point with a confident, powerful Lain. She spends much of episode 6 looking like some variation of this:

Total badass. That confidence and power then proceeds to be abused, manipulated, revealed as a false identity, and then stripped away over the latter half of the show - being Lain of the Wired turns out to be a curse as much as a blessing, and for the very human reasons of the connections to real people she loses through that process. This emotional core does an amazing job of keeping you grounded - in the same episode as that conspiracy documentary, Lain has her first kiss! (Its a bit of a dud, but still). And by the end of the show she is at the apogee of her digital empowerment, and also riddled with despair, loneliness, and in desperate need of help, looking like this:

Note the withdrawn pose and the positioning of Lain backgrounded and way below her friend in the frame, to imply a state of weakness despite her capabilities. That is some classic visual language by the way: no crazy shot effects, no weird narrative devices, just straightforward emotional communication. Lain spends 50% of its runtime going full avant garde, but never (okay, rarely) lets that overwhelm its arc, and threads the needle to make that arc one of the deeper and more moving arcs I've seen in a show.

Serial Experiments Lain is far from perfect, despite all the praise I just put on it; Episode 6 for example has some dumb midichlorian-style “you are trying to explain something no one needs an explanation for” plot, and half of the crazy visual effects are compensating for the fact that its budget was like 10 dollars. But it peaks far exceed its valleys, and I am exceedingly happy to have watched it; I have always struggled to name my “Number 5″ on my top 5 Anime list with a lot of contenders for the slot, but Lain might have just snagged the title.

(Which would make my top 5 list *entirely* composed of anime from the second half of the 90′s, and not due to nostalgia as I only saw the majority of them in the past few years. Certainly a question worth answering, but for another time...)

[incarnateirony]

15.13+

This year-old tweet of Merecuda’s becomes truer by the day. 

So I’ve said I’d collect old posts I’ve made over the past few years involving perennial philosophy as they apply to our current episode, rather than beating the same horses to death I’ve been banging on for years. That way if people missed/forgot these they can find them without me writing entire-assed new essays but rather find how they’re binding into the current episode -- as well as later-down link collections of thoughtbursts I had about the episode itself.

14.10: The numerology of Billie’s Book -- reality, matrixes and more; god’s understanding of the universe through the universe and the purchase of the extant universe.

Pre-ep-300: Aesclepius -- the dreamer, the healer, the serpent, the climb to divinity

Pre-14.14: Ouroboros, Jung, the Shadow; Nehushtan, the brazen serpent climbing the tree and more. Keep in mind the crucified serpent stuff in here because we’ll swing back to it.

Pre-14.18: Hermetic Absence; the human soul is the one true good. What we call evil is the absence of it. Later the episode itself swung around and quoted it so YOLO.

14.20: 

Optimism vs Nihilism; Hermeticism vs Gnosticism; the demiurge, the Truth and the Shadow. Also, see more on the Truth at this second link (x)

A cosmic game of chicken Jack being both later script-confirmed over here. (x)

Jack as the Orphic Egg, Phanes, the golden child, son of the serpent in the garden, the Big Bounce Impending.

The Empty, the Shadow, Reflection, the Lack of Soul, “Now I’m just Empty.”

S14-15 hiatus:

Old cosmogenic theories that may or may not still work.

The Shadow, Animus, Anima, God; the dance with the serpent and the cosmic marriage post-divorce -- big yike I said it was too Destiel yet here we are. Use this accessory post (x) to see the ranking of shadow/animus/anima in the video a little more clearly.

Inner worlds, we all have them, so to whom does Eden belong? After all, compare Michael’s world for Dean to Chuck’s for the rest. And I ask you to think outside the box for this (x)

A longwinded conversation about the nature of souls (x)

The Three Principles 

...just... this to think on with the rest (x)

15.11: The return of the Son and the Sun portends the revelation that the ego itself reflects light given from the sun and the soul, including the collective soul of the above and beyond, as well as a whole bunch of other stuff (phases of paths, the goddess, and more)

Once you get this far meditate on this for a bit from 15.12, given I stole the preview of the snake for it, and remastered one of my S14 spec vids for it (x)

AND FINALLY WE HAVE REACHED 15.13

Neshamah in the garden: the manifestation of the divine feminine opposed to eve as the essence of the soul or spirit in pre-fall Eden, and her connection with the unconscious serpent.

About the cross showing the way and it’s enduring relation to all above themes -- hell, that shape of cross even has meanings (x) as well as this, to the same theme,

but focusing on the sacred marriage elements more than the elements of the soul Reflected in the first link (x) Given the divine marriage itself is a whole other topic I’ve spammed to death including my old Eucharist video from 15.09 (x)

but with a long video track backwards that really requires just navigating the playlist once the above is soaked.

Also my next S14 video to remaster like I did Grudge based on the few above links (x)

and this old chart y’all are probably sick to death of that the goddamn yellowing snake fucking asked

These collective thoughts bundled, if once you’ve read them you still have questions, feel free to send asks.

Also yet again, Cas is the only one the Empty puts on faces for. His death and inky shadow didn’t work to keep him down (Shadow, primal state). His own didn’t work to put him down (Animus, Albedo, masculine ego). Meg’s didn’t work to put him down (Anima, Citrinitas, feminine superego; a fun choice when demon-searching rather than using Dumah again despite her resonance with Sam’s anima in TMWKTM and EXCELLENT opportunity to let Rachel cameo; but Cas has been at minimum in the yellow since last year and we’re not rich in opportunities to get Rachel back so it definitely worked while Cas was stumbling around in oblivion to revisit it while the rest of the guys grow into Citrinitas). 

Or you know, the literal shadow or blockage of these things as they stand with the above material (not really too unlike Belphegor as the ruler of Thagirion contrary to Tiphareth, which that GOD DAMN CROSS from 13 literally represents.) I AM EXCITE for 15.18 to see who’s face it takes next (in Rubedo, the Self and speaker of truths). And recent on set scene/event leaks minded, I think we have a pretty good idea. So I am even MORE excite. 

I really just saw Nehushtan and Neshamah talk to Phanes in the inner garden before the fall of man asking “Who are you?” in the yellowing phase of this show with the reddening impending in 15+ and I need to be let out of this box.

When I spent more than 2 decades of my life studying perennial philosophy I wanted the secrets of the universe, not the secrets of a cult fiction TV show, and frankly, I need a refund, please pull this snake out of my ear.

BuckLeming were kinda handed the inability to fuck up with as advanced as the hermetic lore has become over the last few years, but I’ve gotta say, they handled unusually well. I’m also quite fond of the Emperor-Empress-Aeonchild imagery being incorporated with the Golden Dawn/Rosicrucian/Christianized elements rather than the more alchemical abstract deliveries that whiff over people, because maybe JESUS MARY JOSEPH will ring a few bells better than colored and only loosely gendered abstracts of development, especially since they haven’t been overtly labeling things Emperor or Empress as much as depicting them with all other associated quotes and symbolism to date. Though I don’t consider 15.02/03 subtle in its delivery of the goddess role in any respect.

This is the second time the Emperor has passed his sphere to the empress. Only this time, rather than the hermit brother choosing not to initiate it for the cost, it was passed from the Empress to the child and brought us to the inner garden to find the truth of the aeon and really, I’m not okay right now, send help

(And summore x) and even (summore about the inner garden, the soul, the proto adam and divine feminine, the symbol above and a whole bunch of hoohah x) -- Yes I just linked you an entire google book. Either you wanna know or you don’t, s’your choice.

Side semi-joke commentary with Castiel’s placement in this structure: is nobody else going to point out that Cas already brought home fruit from the Tree of Life from Syria rather than this non-eden and inner garden? I don’t think they’re quite the same place, but there’s some extra lmao there. dEAnNNn i bRoughT FrUIt fRom tHE tReE oF lIFE

Edit: while i do truly believe this boils down to an excuse to see Rachel on our screens again, I can't help but have it hit harder and harder that Castiel's divine feminine superego was appealed to in supposed reminder of him having no one in life to go back to and instead an old fling he made a connection with in death.

With the overall framing of another relationship as the cause of his suffering, whether intent or by accident it couldn't have been more on point. Just sleep, Cas, happy or not. Isn't what you want here? But he didn't bite. Not one bit. He could have slowed to ask about her or split his focus to find her too, but instead he called out to Ruby still and moved on, still on point for his family back home. I have some posts about The Celestial Ruby elsewhere that I want to probe later about the Occultum but this will do for now.

[letterboxd]

The Package.

As the bonkers genre thrill-ride Shadow in the Cloud blasts into the new year, writer and director Roseanne Liang unpacks her love of Terminator 2, watching Chloë Grace Moretz’s face for hours, and the life lesson she learned from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’s Cheng Pei-Pei.

Roseanne Liang’s TIFF Midnight Madness winner Shadow in the Cloud landed with a blast of fresh genre energy on VOD platforms on New Year’s Day. It’s A-class action in a B-grade body, cramming plenty into its taut 83 minutes, including: a top-secret package, a freakish gremlin, a hostile bunch of Air Force dudes, outrageous stunts, dogfights and a fake wartime PSA that feels remarkably real.

Throughout, the camera is focused mostly on one face—Chloë Grace Moretz’s, playing British flight officer Maude Garrett—as she tackles all of the above from a claustrophobic ball turret hanging under a B-17 Flying Fortress, on a classified mission over the Pacific Ocean during World War II.

While the film’s tonal swings are confusing to some, schlock enthusiasts and genre lovers on Letterboxd have embraced the film’s intentionally outlandish sensibility, which “makes excellent use of its genre mash to create an unpredictable, guilty pleasure,” says Mirza. Fajar writes that “it felt like the people involved in this project knew how ridiculous it is and gave a hundred and ten percent to make it work. Someday, it will become a cult classic.” Mawbey agrees: “It really goes off the rails in all the best ways during the final third, and the last couple of shots are just perfect.”

Chloë Grace Moretz and her top-secret package in ‘Shadow in the Cloud’.

To most of the world, Liang is a so-called “emerging” director, when in fact, the mother-of-two, born in New Zealand to Chinese parents, has been at this game for the past two decades. She has helmed a documentary and a romantic drama, both based on her own marriage; a 2008 short called Take 3, which preceded Hollywood’s current conversation about representation and harassment; and Do No Harm, the splatter-tastic 2017 short in which her technical chops and fluid feel for action were on full display, and, as recorded in multiple Letterboxd reviews, established her as one to watch.

Do No Harm scored Liang valuable Hollywood representation, whereupon producer Brian Kavanaugh-Jones brought Shadow in the Cloud to her, thinking she might connect with the material. “It did connect with me on a level that is very personal,” Liang tells me. “As a woman of color, as a mother who juggles a lot.” She says Kavanaugh-Jones then went through the process of removing original writer Max Landis from the project. “He felt that Max was not a good fit for this project, or for how we like to run things. We like to be respectful and courteous and kind to each other…”

In several interviews, Liang has said she’s comfortable with film lovers choosing not to watch Shadow in the Cloud based on Landis’s early involvement. What she’s not comfortable with is her own contribution—and that of her cast and crew—being erased. While WGA rules have his name attached firmly to the project, the credit belies the reality: his thin script, reportedly stretched out to 70 pages by using a larger-than-usual font, was expanded and deepened by Liang and her collaborators.

Writer-director Roseanne Liang. / Photo by Dean O’Gorman

That team includes editor Tom Eagles, Oscar nominated for Jojo Rabbit, actor Nick Robinson (the titular Simon in Love, Simon) and Beulah Koale, a star of the Hawaii Five-Oh series. The opening newsreel was created by award-winning New Zealand animation studio Mukpuddy, after a small test audience got weirded out by the sight of a gremlin in a war film, despite well-documented WWI and WWII gremlin mythology. It’s an unnecessary but happy addition. The cartoon style was inspired by Private Snafu, a series of WWII educational cartoons scripted by none other than Dr. Seuss and directed by Looney Tunes legend Chuck Jones.

But the film ultimately hangs on Chloë Grace Moretz, who overcame cabin fever to drive home an adrenaline rush of screen craft, in which the very limits of what’s humanly possible in mid-air are tested (in ways, it must be said, that wouldn’t be questioned if it were Tom Cruise in the role). Liang would often send directions to Moretz’s ball turret via text, while her cast members delivered live dialogue from an off-set shipping container rigged with microphones. “I just never got sick of Chloë’s face and I’ve watched her hundreds, if not thousands of times. You feel her, you are her, she just engages you in a way that a huge fighting scene might not, if it’s not designed well. Giant empty spectacle is less interesting than one person in one spot, sometimes.”

Ambitious and nerdy about film in equal measure, it’s clear there’s much more to come from Liang, and I’m interested in what her most valuable lesson has been so far. Turns out, it’s a great story involving Chinese veteran Cheng Pei-Pei (Come Drink With Me’s Golden Swallow, and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’s Jade Fox), whose film training includes a tradition of remaining on set throughout filming.

Roseanne Liang on the set of ‘Shadow in the Cloud’.

That meant that, during filming of Liang’s My Wedding and Other Secrets, Cheng would stay on set when she wasn’t required. “In New Zealand, trailers are a luxury,” Liang explains. “I said ‘Don’t you want to go to the trailer that we arranged for you?’ ‘No, I just want to sit and watch.’ ‘Why do you want to watch it, you’ve seen it hundreds of times!’ And she said ‘I learn something new every time’. To Pei-Pei, the secret of life is constant education and curiosity and learning. Movies are her work and her craft and her life, and she never gets bored. If I can be like her, that’s the life, right?”

Speaking of which, it’s time we put Liang through our Life in Film interrogation.

What’s the film that made you want to become a filmmaker? Terminator 2: Judgment Day is the movie that is at the top of the mountain that I’m climbing. To me it’s the perfect blend of spectacle, action design, smarts and heart. It poses the theory that if a robot can learn the value of humanity then maybe there’s hope for the ships that are us. That’s perennial, and possibly even more pertinent today. It holds a very special place in my heart, along with Aliens, Mad Max: Fury Road, Die Hard, La Femme Nikita and Léon: The Professional.

What’s your earliest memory of watching a film? I have a cassette tape that my dad made for my grandma in 1981 (he’d send tapes back to his mother in Hong Kong). I was three years old and he had just taken us to see The Empire Strikes Back in the cinema. And he can’t talk to my grandma because I’m just going on and on about R2-D2. I will not shut up about R2-D2 and he’s like, “Yes, yes I’m trying to talk to your grandmother,” and I’m like, “But Dad! Dad! R2-D2!” So it’s actually an archive, but it’s become my memory.

What’s the most romantic film you’ve ever seen? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It’s not the sexiest, but it’s the most romantic. That last scene, those last words where she goes “But you’re gonna be like this forever and I’m gonna be like this forever…” and he just goes “okay”. That to me is one of the most romantic scenes I’ve ever seen. It is a perfect movie.

And the scariest? If it’s a horror movie, the most scared I’ve been is The Ring. I was watching it on a VHS and I was lying on a beanbag on the floor and I was paralyzed with fear. I couldn’t move, because I felt that if I moved she’d see me! Also, American Psycho just came to me this year. I caught the twentieth anniversary of that movie, which is a terrifying film, and again, possibly more relevant now than when it was made. The scariest film that’s not a horror is Joker. It scared me how much I liked it. When I came out of the movie, I was like, “I’m scared because I kind of love it, but it’s horrible. It’s so irresponsible. I don’t wanna like this movie but goddamn, I feel it.” Like, I wanted to go on the streets and rage. In a way we’re all the Joker, we’re all the Batman. That duality, that yin and yang, is inside everyone of us. It’s universal.

What is the film that slays you every time, leaving you in a heap of tears? This is a classic one, the opening sequence of Up. The first ten minutes of Up just destroy me every time. I also saw Soul a couple of days ago and I was with the whole family and I, just, if I wasn’t with the whole family I would have been ugly-sobbing. I had a real ache in my throat after the movie because I was trying to stop [myself] from sobbing.

Tell me your favorite coming-of-age film, the film that first gave you ‘teenage feelings’? Pump Up the Volume. Christian Slater! Off the back of Pump Up the Volume, I fancied myself as a prophet and wrote a theater piece called Lemmings. Obviously the main character was a person who could see through the façade, and everyone else was following norms. “No one understands me, I’m a prophet!” So clearly I have this shitty, Joker-style megalomaniac inside of me. It was the worst play, and I don’t know why my teachers agreed for us to do a staging of it!

Christian Slater and Samantha Mathis in ‘Pump Up the Volume’ (1990).

Is there a film that you and your family love to rewatch? We’ve tried to impose our taste on our children, but they’re too young. We showed them The Princess Bride—they didn’t get it. We literally showed our babies Star Wars in their cribs. That’s how obsessive Star Wars fans we were.

Name a director and/or writer that you deeply admire for their use of the artform. I have a slightly weird answer for this. Can I just give love to Every Frame a Painting by Tony Zhou and Taylor Ramos? They are my film school. I was thinking of my love of Edgar Wright, but then I thought of their video essay on Edgar Wright and how to film comedy, and his essay on Jackie Chan and the rhythm of action and then their essay on the Coen Brothers and Shot Reverse Shot. I must have watched that 30 times ahead of the TV show that I’m making now. I started out in editorial and Tony Zhou is an editor and he talks about when to make the cut: it’s an instinct, it’s a feeling, it’s a rhythm. I realized the one thing in common that I could mention about all the films I’ve loved is Every Frame a Painting. It’s their love of movies that comes bubbling out of every single essay that they made that I just wanna shout out at this part of my career.

Were there any crucial films that you turned to in your development for Shadow in the Cloud? Indiana Jones was something that Chloë brought up—she likes the spiffiness and the humor of Indiana Jones. Sarah Connor was our touchstone for the female character. For one-person-in-one-space type stories, I watched Locke quite a lot, to figure out how they shaped tension and story and [kept] us on the edge of our seats when it’s only one person in one space. In terms of superheroes, I came back to Aliens. Not Alien. Aliens. You know, there are two types of people in this world—people who prefer Alien over Aliens, and people who prefer Aliens over Alien. But actually I think I vacillate for different reasons.

Can there be a third type of person, who thinks they’re both great, but Alien³, just, no? Maybe that’s the best group to be in. We don’t need to fight about this, we can love both of them! I was having an argument with James Wan’s company about this, because there’s a rift inside the company of people who prefer Alien over Aliens.

Okay, program a triple feature with your film as one of the three. I don’t know. Ask Ant Timpson!

I’ll ask Ant Timpson. [We did, and he replied: “Well, one has to be the Twilight Zone episode with William Shatner: Nightmare at 20,000 Feet. And then either Life (2017) or Altitude (2010).”]

Thank you Ant! I used to go to his all-nighters as a university student. He is the king of programming things.

Jake Gyllenhaal in ‘Life’ (2017).

It’s strange that we never met at one of his events! Ant would make me dress up in strange outfits and do weird skits between films. (For those who don’t know, Timpson ran the Incredibly Strange Film Festival for many years—now part of the New Zealand International Film Festival—and still runs an annual 24-Hour Movie Marathon.) So what’s a film from those events that sticks in your head as the perfect genre experience with a crowd? It was a movie about a man protecting a woman who was the girlfriend of a mafia boss: A Bittersweet Life. Not only does it have one of the sexiest Korean actors, sorry, not to objectify, but also I actually screenshot a lot of that film for pitch documents. And, do you remember a crazy Japanese movie where someone’s sitting on the floor with a clear umbrella and a woman is lactating milk? Visitor Q by Takashi Miike. I remember just how fucking crazy that was.

Finally, what was the best film you saw in 2020? I haven’t seen Nomadland yet, so keep in mind that I haven’t seen all the films this year. I have three: The Invisible Man, which I thought was just amazing. I thought [writer-director] Leigh Whannell did such a great job. The Half of It by Alice Wu, a quiet movie that I simply just adored. And then the last movie I saw at the cinema was Promising Young Woman. The hype is real.

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Follow Gemma on Letterboxd

‘Shadow in the Cloud’ is available in select theaters and on video on demand now.

[ardeawritten]

Halo 4

The game-player in me is thrilled with the very pretty levels, new weapons, flashy enemies and more creative, less linear methods of level progression/interaction. Lovely soundtrack as always, though the random peppy upbeat music overlaid on a race-to-save earth battle is still hilarious. This game was fun and enjoyable to play, a great few evenings' worth of distraction and some nice catharsis for a little current-events-related attitude. The last quarter felt like a meat-grinder slog, but then, it's endgame of an FPS. What else is it going to be?

The writer in me is rolling their eyes.

(there’s an whole essay under the cut) ((I really hope these cuts work on all platforms, if not I am sincerely sorry; it’s like a thousand words long))

Ok, so the first three games were a fairly standard blank-slate FPS protagonist. Play as an armored super-soldier fighting to save Humanity from the Monsters, with a Sexy AI Sidekick and some Battle Buddies. Not what I'd call high art in gaming, but I can understand its popularity and the enduring appeal of a simple, straight-forward "if it moves shoot it" style of play. No escort missions, no puzzles, really no boss battles requiring tricks and analysis. Just "if that didn't kill it, keep shooting or use a bigger gun."

Writing-wise, there's not a lot of characterization but overall Indications that MC is well-recognized, well-liked, has a sense of humor and a camaraderie with his co-workers, is pals with his Sexy AI and is a generally level-headed person-shaped brick. It's an early 2000's Military FPS, it's not about the characters, it's about role-playing as an indestructible military hero who always saves the girl. It's the game equivalent of John Carter of Mars-genre action hero stories (books, not movie.) This does not absolve it of the crime of woman-as-sexy-or-dead, but it is par for the course.

So on to game #4. 

This game was released in late 2012, in a post-Mass Effect gaming market. #4 has a ME2/3 feel to it, which makes sense. They're both very popular flashy scifi action games with similar graphics/design feel (and with Sexy AIs but that's another conversation about the literally unreal 'idealization' of womanhood in a male-dominated creator/created space!)

It opens with the storyline revelation that MC is a brainwashed and conditioned child-soldier, alleges he's got some issues with performing basic human functions and clarifies that Cortana's existence is the "band-aid" applied to that problem. On the MC side, Cortana's expiration date has passed and she's fragging out, giving MC a personal reason to want to get home. This combines to give the player a sense of urgency- if Cortana dies, it's not just "sad," it's "MC will lose his band-aid and all his humanity will bleed out." This is also I think the first time the POV is, narratively-speaking, third-person (we know things MC doesn't or couldn't know) instead of solely first-person (I'm not counting Arbiter’s story as breaking first-person, as it's still limited to player character POV.)

As a Writer, here's my issues: 

- MC is given a traumatic backstory as a brainwashed child-soldier to what? Justify a damaged emotional state, as if emotional wounding and isolation isn't a very common, very human point to reach after having experienced and participated in war at any age? Justify being unable to function without Cortana’s hand-holding? And then the game never goes back and addresses that opening cut-scene. 

- Cortana's existence had a built-in, known expiration, but she was still (retconned?) created to provide MC his primary band-aid. Either this was extremely short-sighted of the Spartan R&D team, or MC likewise was expected to expire on the same timeline. There's no talk of planning ahead for this problem that would render an extremely expensive asset fundamentally useless. (ok there’s Cortana’s “they’ll pair you with someone else but it won’t be me” line, but that isn’t exactly smoothing the transition any.)

- We the audience/player now know Cortana's death will have personal, negative repercussions on the MC's health outside of grief and trauma over loss of a friend and partner. She exists solely for his benefit, and must continue existing for his benefit, and the plot's urgency driven forward by his need to continue benefiting. It's not about saving Cortana, it's about saving MC. This would be fine if her character existence was framed as "computer service program," but it isn't. Prior to this game, narrative and gameplay repeatedly tells the audience she's a character and not just MC's security blanket.

- The above, coupled with her "stock naked lady sexy" design, has Implications of how the writing team figured they could fit a female character into their narrative. So far we have A) woman who fails to complete a heroic sacrifice and is shot in the back and dies pointlessly, B) woman whose visual and intellectual existence is tailored solely to benefit the MC and has no autonomy outside of that existence and C) woman as 'fallen mother/evil crone' who perpetrated the brainwashing on the MC. (Female Spartan in the mammoth got a whole three lines; female scientist with a bag of nukes? She… died pointlessly.)

(I swear I did not intend this to be an analysis of female roles in the Halo main game franchise but hey, my first memorable introduction to the FPS genre was Mysteries of the Sith where, playing as female jedi Mara Jade, you save the guy by making him acknowledge the value of a non-romantic peer relationship! That game was made in 1997.)

For Cortana, in 1 I got the impression she was a shipboard AI like EDI in Mass Effect, not an AI specific to MC. Her characterization feels like it's been shifted each game from a warship AI capable of coordinating fleet-wide maneuvers and going toe-to-toe with Guilty Spark to a cowering captive of Gravemind needing physical rescue to a Pocket Pal for MC to cover for his emotional shortcomings and inability to interact with technology more complex than "a button."

Having an AI programmed to be essentially a therapy dog or social caretaker, and exploring the complexities of that role related to the invisible and unquantifiable damage violence visits on the human body and brain would be a very interesting story. An AI designed for coordinating war on a massive scale who despite "winning" each battle finds its platform systematically reduced until the only "ship and crew" left are just one person would also be an interesting story! Why are we left with "my girlfriend's dying and I'm going to starve because she's the only one who knows how to cook."

tl;dr: the opening cutscene was detrimental to the plot, characterization and world-building. The game would have been fine as a story about a soldier coming to terms with his best friend’s inevitable death while trying to save the planet, and would have preserved Cortana’s game 1 identity as an autonomous AI who lost her ship and partnered up with MC of her own free will. The ending of “we saved each other, if just for a little while, and will grieve but will continue on” would have been stronger IMO than “I’m going to save you-I’m going to save you-NOPE.”

[nezumiismissing]

Yoming: A Step-By-Step Guide on How Not to Lead a Revolution

So in honor of Earth Day (and also my birthday) today I reallly wanted to write something about No.6 and the environment/environmentalism, but I only realized I should do that right as I was about to go to bed last night, so it didn’t happen. Maybe next year. Anyways here’s a post on a completely different (but maybe still relevant) topic that I’ve had in my drafts for probably a year and finally got the motivation to finish over the weekend!

So I’ve been thinking a lot recently about No.6 and revolution, because I’ve always viewed No.6 as a story that is very much about revolution, and yet the revolution that actually occurs within the story (at least in the novels/manga) is objectively a failure and instead serves mostly as a way for No.6 to demonstrate its military power (and create an exciting climax to the story). Despite this failure, however, I don’t think that No.6 is ultimately against revolutionary action, and instead simply uses the example of Yoming's character and ideology to demonstrate what a revolution in the real world shouldn't look like. Because while he is clearly correct in his desire to see No.6 fall, Yoming is still, in many ways, an antagonist of the story, and ultimately attempts to do the right thing in the wrong ways for the wrong reasons.

Now obviously the biggest offense here is the fact that his entire plan to mobilize people is based on a lie. We know that there is no secret vaccine against the bees, and we know that people from any class within the city are able to die from them. So already the premise from which Yoming plans to base his overthrow of No.6 is corrupted. But even beyond that, there are numerous issues with the framing and motivation for revolution in this context, mainly stemming from the fact that, despite what he might say, Yoming doesn't actually know that much about No.6. He knows that there is a strict hierarchy within the city, and that people are regularly taken away from their families. He doesn’t know where they go or what happens to them, and while his assumptions about the people who are taken away may be true (for the most part), that’s all they really are, assumptions.

I think what gets to me the most about this is the fact that he appears to be entirely convinced that he has the whole story. He doesn’t even consider the idea that other atrocities may be occurring within the city or in the Correctional Facility, and he doesn’t ever mention the huge population of people living in West Block, and what conditions they may be living in as a result of No.6’s actions and existence. The (true) idea that No.6 may have even been built upon extreme violence against another group does not occur to him. Those people are not important to his personal experiences or goals, and so they are not important to the resistance in its entirety, despite the fact they are arguably the primary victims of No.6, and their situation is not entirely unknown to the general populace. Rather than a movement focused on systemic injustice and a highly corrupt/authoritarian government, Yoming instead creates what amounts to an almost entirely unconstructive riot based on his own personal desire for revenge, resulting in the deaths of multiple people who, while maybe not entirely happy with the city, were also not directly involved in any of the things being protested. By focusing so intensely on the individual, the concept of a collectivist-based society is completely left behind and forgotten, as in Yoming’s mind collectivism is aligned with the control and utilitarianism of No.6, and can thus only be opposed by the inverse organizational ideology of individualism, rather than a different form of collectivism focused on community and justice.

This of course leads to the scene where we actually see the extent of his insanity, in which Karan brings up the fact that a large mobilization of people against the city will cause No.6 to use military force. We of course already know that this is exactly what will happen, as we've just witnessed it in West Block and know how the leaders of the city function, but even within Yoming’s limited context, this should be seen as a completely plausible and likely scenario, as it directly aligns with the authoritarianism he claims to oppose. But he isn’t able to imagine anything that he hasn’t seen personally, and ideologically he isn’t really that different from No.6, as he only wishes to replace the current leadership with his own in order to protect those he deems worthy (as is shown in Beyond), and so he rejects it. Not only that, he says that it is impossible for No.6 to have an army, because it would go against the Babylon Treaty, a document that no one in the city seems to have actual knowledge or understanding of outside of a very surface level reading (and also definitely not the main reason you should be concerned about a state using military force on its own people). He isn’t willing to completely let go of his own utopian ideals, or those of the creators of No.6 though, and so he is unable to accept that at a fundamental level, the city has overstepped its boundaries. He isn’t able to see the disappearances of people as a systemic issue affecting the population as a whole rather than individuals and families, and is therefore unable to imagine that those disappearances may have a purpose outside of simple control, or that they may only be a small piece of a much larger issue.

Just a quick aside here; while I sympathize with Karan’s strong desire to not get anyone killed in the process of destroying and rebuilding a society, I think she’s also wrong to think that that is in any way realistic. She is aware enough of the situation to recognize that an army likely does exist, and she knows that things cannot remain as they are, but in entirely rejecting Yoming’s way of thinking, she is also eliminating any chance of No.6’s fall actually occurring in a way that doesn’t involve bees killing everyone. There’s obviously a huge philosophical debate to be had about whether or not death on either side is acceptable or even allowable during such a large political shift, and I’m not looking to really start that debate here because otherwise this would be a 20 page essay, but all I will say is that even without the deaths inflicted as a result of the revolution, the destruction of the Correctional Facility, which we are led to believe is an almost entirely positive outcome, didn’t come without its own significant death toll (and not all of those victims were on the side of No.6).

Yoming is rightfully angry at the city for creating such a strict social hierarchy and murdering his wife and son, and he is right to wish for the city’s destruction (although he doesn’t really know why this is correct), but neither of those occurrences are a justification for the suffering he put the rest of the citizens through. If he knew what was actually happening to the city, he wouldn’t have had to lie, and he knows that. It is then perhaps the case that he lies about the vaccine not because he actually believes that it exists, but because he knows that his experiences are not shared by a large number of people, and are not enough to get the entire population to join in his personal fight, so he needs to invent something that sounds real enough that people will go along with him. In this case, the bees are not his enemy, and instead are just a neutral occurrence that he is able to use as a tool in his favor. In his mind, it doesn’t matter that the citizens will eventually find out about the lie, because by then he thinks that he will already be seen as a hero, and perhaps the lie will even be seen as positive, since in this case the truth is difficult to believe. But in the end, it wasn’t enough to actually make a difference, because neither side was willing to either separate themselves from their own beliefs and ideology for long enough in order to understand the entirety of the situation, or create a legitimate and strong opposition to the other side.

I think that Yoming’s failures as a revolutionary icon are an important aspect of the story, and while he was ultimately unsuccessful, there are certainly many positive aspects of what he had hoped to accomplish, so I’m not trying to rewrite the ending of the story in any way, but what could he have done better? If his way of doing things wasn’t correct, but pacifism is also out of the question, then how could the situation have been resolved? If this were a real situation, as opposed to a story where it is important to maintain a sense of tension, I believe the best option would probably have been to wait until more information was available to avoid having to lie in the first place. There is definitely a fine line here, and I wouldn't fault anyone for disagreeing, but there has to be some threshold of facts and dissatisfaction that must be met before taking such extreme measures as a revolution, and I don't think that by that point in the story it had been reached yet. He also could have just been honest. This would have been risky, but he had already taken advantage of the confusion caused by the bees, so taking a much smaller chance in order to build the strength of his group would probably have been a better move than endangering the entire city for personal reasons. Of course he wouldn’t actually do this because it would involve a self sacrifice, which under his extremely self-centered individualist ideology is entirely unacceptable, but if he were to actually be interested in improving society, this would have probably been a good move.

Just at the end here I would like to touch on the endings of Yoming's character arcs in the various iterations of the story, because all of them are excellent in their own ways, and deserve a brief discussion.

Starting with the anime, this is just about as good an ending for his character as you could have asked for given the circumstances of the anime’s ending. The anime doesn’t exactly frame him as a revolutionary icon like the novels and manga do, so he is very much just kind of a crazy dude who also has somewhat higher legitimacy than manga/novel Yoming due to his lack of actually doing anything of significance and therefore also not getting anyone directly killed. His revolution is doomed from the start as he gives his speech to a crowd of people who can’t hear him because they’re already dead, and his lack of any actual public appearance is successful in framing him as simply an overly ambitious coward who is very much deserving of his off-screen death by the one thing that made his message questionable in the first place. It’s a very different characterization than the one seen in the novels, and while it has some consequences for the overall effect of the anime’s story that I’m not going to get into here, it's an extremely effective way of getting across the point that this revolution was not going to work. It also ties Yoming more directly to the revolution itself, with the fall of No.6 and subsequent lack of need for revolutionary action also resulting in the destruction of the revolution’s leader.

Because there is no manga for Beyond, we are also in a way given another ending for Yoming in the manga, although I feel it is incomplete. Because the manga follows the novels so closely, we see the revolution occurring prior to Shion and Nezumi’s interference, all the way up to when Yoming gives his speech in front of city hall, and then he is never seen again. This is probably the weakest of the three endings for him just because the novels give us the same scenes but with a very well done follow-up in Beyond, but I think this still works fairly well. Like the anime, this ending proves that Yoming was not really needed in order to destroy No.6, and that the scale of what was happening was completely beyond his abilities. But on the other hand, by showing the revolution in the first place, unlike the anime, we are left with the possibility that he could have been successful had it not been for Shion and Nezumi’s extremely convenient arrival at that moment. It was unlikely that it would have succeeded of course, but without either the confirmation of his death such as in the anime or the context and developments given to us in Beyond, we have no way of knowing what would have happened next. Yoming is neither a hero nor a failure in this version of the story, but instead was not given a chance to exert his full power, and therefore becomes a mostly insignificant figure in the overall story of the manga. 

Finally we come to the novels, where we get a much fuller picture of who Yoming is and what his real goals were in the story told in Beyond. Rather than acting simply as the figure of a failed revolution, he continues in his quest to destroy No.6 and build a new society. However, As was mentioned earlier his actions imply that the society he wanted was not all that different from No.6 other than the fact that he would be (at least in part) in charge of it. This is of course the issue that all revolutions and their leaders must face, “Once we get into power, how do we prevent ourselves from becoming corrupt and recreating the thing we were originally fighting against?” For Yoming, the answer is that you don’t. His movement used the power of the people to earn leverage in the fall of the city and subsequent rebuilding, but was ultimately never about helping the people of No.6 as a whole, and instead served as a vehicle for just replacing the current leadership with a new regime functioning under the guise of a people’s movement. It’s a smart move if you can make it work for you, as any number of real-world examples have shown, but as we see in Beyond, Yoming really isn’t smart enough to pull it off, and since he is only one member on a larger council of leadership, his lack of overwhelming power makes it impossible for him to take total control of the city, and ensures that he is eventually caught. That isn’t to say that the system is perfect, as Shions actions clearly show it is not, but it functions well enough to weed out those who are not actually interested in restructuring. You could of course also make the argument that Shion takes over what would have been Yoming’s role had he succeeded, but that’s a different discussion for a different day.

I don’t really have anything else to add here, so this is the end of the post! There’s more to discuss here of course (there always is), but I feel that this gets the main ideas across in a way that is (hopefully) easy to understand. Revolution is complicated, including in fiction, and there really is no one right way to go about it. But in the context of a story like No.6, which is so much about revolution and social change, the portrayal of a movement that was ultimately a failure and upheld ideas of corruption alongside one that had greater success is an exercise in the exploration of the topic that not only makes the story much more interesting, but greatly contributes to our own understanding of the topic and the ideas associated with it.

[unstablelover]

Who's your favorite Danganronpa characters? Mine are Kokichi and Kotoko - I especially can relate to Kotoko. -♡

i love kokichi and kotoko so much, ive blocked people on sight for making those jokes about kotoko. she’s so good and i would die for her!!!

i really like hajime a lot and i think everything with the kamukura project and his whole backstory makes him very real and i just adore him

i also really like byakuya!! he’s a jerk but he actually has so much more character than that and i love how he’s developed as a person and i’m currently watching the danganronpa 3 anime with my darling (i’ve already watched it twice but he hasn’t seen it) and i’m so excited for the small amount of scenes with him in it!!! i also can’t wait to see the easter eggs with the warriors of hope and the danganronpa: 0 characters in the background!!!!

i also really like sayaka and i know a lot of people think she’s a snake but honestly miu tried to frame kaito and miu *knew* that everyone else would die if she succeeded unlike sayaka!! (no hate to miu i love her)

also mondo makes me really happy because he’s just a really good character and i wish we could have had more time with him... his blind rage out of self hatred and insecurities made me love him even more, he’s perfect

i also lovd hagakure!!!! everyone says he’s just a dumb stoner but he’s a himbo and i wanna kiss him on his forehead!!!

also i really like jataro, he’s a good boy and deserves a lot of love, i understand his coping mechanisms of thinking it’s easier to be hated bc then you don’t have to impress anyone

i could go on and on, i love all of the danganronpa characters besides haiji towa, everyone else is so good and i could write full essays on why i love them!!!!!

danganronpa is my special interest and i love it so much it’s just so good and i’ll never shut up about it-

[loxxxlay]

Official note about Dark Thor Grandthorki fic and Semi-Hiatus

The Situation My Dumb Ambitious Ass Has Landed Itself In

Unfortunately, my big bang date has arrived a lot quicker than I expected it to. >.> On Friday, I’m expected to post the fic I’ve been working on since June. Don’t get me wrong, I have very much been working on it this whole time; unfortunately, I have also been doing quite a lot of exhausting things, including treatment for mental health and college classes. I’m suffocating in the stress of my last semester, which isn’t great for fanfic writing. T_T woe is meeee~

Because of ^, my dark-Thor grandthorki fic (god it needs a title too, huh) is incomplete and, no matter what, will not be completed by Friday (especially considering that all but one of my classes has something due this Friday, too, ugh). Luckily I did sign up for a solo track for big bang so no artist has been ill-used! Unluckily I have robbed some actually prepared & hard-working individual of a very lenient&late posting date. T_T Thus, I want to at least post something on Friday because it would be super inconsiderate and irresponsible of me otherwise, no matter how unprepared I am D:

So, here is what I have decided for my Big Bang/Dark Thor Grandthorki fic:

I am going to post the beginning chunk (about 10-15k words) of the fic! It will be posted as a WIP but as the spirit of the big bang is only to post a completed fic, the part I post will not end on any rudely patience-challenging cliffhanger.  (Those who are still waiting for OoT and Figment of Choice to be complete, I am so so sorry lmfao, and this will not be anything like those cliffhangers.) In fact, I’m trying to make this chunk end on a note that is as complete as possible, while still being a WIP.

As for the quality of this beginning chunk... sigh... It’s definitely not my best writing ever since the only times I could work on it were unfortunately times where my writing skill was rusty and atrophied. >.> However, it’s definitely not my worst writing either lmao, so hopefully it will still be enjoyable! @veliseraptor will be betaing the part most recent and most clunky (I didn’t ask her to beta all of it because that would be super unfair in such a short time frame lmao), and until Friday I will be doing my best to polish the rest!

However! As the entire fic isn’t quite written/outlined, I’m nervous about posting this beginning chunk because of how future writing might require changes to be made. Therefore, the part I post is potentially gonna be subject to extreme changes once I start working on it again months from now. In other words, after I graduate, I’m gonna edit it, possibly change things that happen in it, depending on future scenes, and hopefully do it better justice.

Why am I telling you all of this?

Well, because I don’t want y'all to read this Dark Thor Grandthorki fic with high expectations! T____T I know a lot of you have been super excited and eager to read it after all the excerpts I’ve shown you and all the meta I’ve posted about it. I remember receiving a ton of asks about it back in the pique of me working on it. And.. like.. I know I say this a lot, but I genuinely mean it this time: This is not going to be my usual expected brand of (allegedly) good fic. This is gonna be at least a little disappointing. This is not to criticize myself. It’s just a fact based on how I’ve been writing it and how little I can edit it right now.

And I’m honestly super sad because this project has been so so so important and fun for me that I don’t want you to go in without knowing that it won’t be as good as I want it to be.

In fact, my biggest reason for telling you all this is to give everyone an OPTION to actually NOT read it on Friday. If you want to see it in its final form and its final form only, you can instead wait until I’ve actually had a chance to complete the entire fic, edit what needs editing, get it beta-ed, and feel prepared enough to stick to a regular posting schedule. Obviously I don’t care one way or another when you choose to read it--have at it if you don’t care about it being sub-par! ^_^ I just want you all to know where I’m coming from and be able to decide one way or another. So yeah. Feel free to decide whether you want to read the shittier version on Friday or whether you wanna save yourself for the less shitty version later!

Semi-Hiatus Info:

Initial Note: I’m not really going on any kind of hiatus. I’m changing nothing about what I’m doing recently. I’m just... officially acknowledging that I’ve got one foot in fandom right now and one foot out. And that it will continue to be like this until I graduate in December.

And sighhh, I know I say “ohhhh I will be so much more free and able to work on fandom stuff when this date arrives” again and again and again and nothing ever changes lmfao. But when I say I’ll be more free to work on stuff after December, I actually mean it lmfao because that is when I’ll be graduated from college. I’ve never been graduated from college my entire time in fandom, so you can trust that I’m not kidding around this time.

So yeah, in light of my recent silences/etc, please don’t think I’m disappearing. T_T I’m just really stressed and ... even though I try to lie to myself about it ... realistically ... it’s just not possible for me to do all the fandom stuff that I want to be doing right now. :( Especially as this final semester starts ramping up and finals week starts approaching. :/

Obviously, I’ll still be busy after I graduate. I’ll be looking for full-time work and be starting the process of moving out (I’m super excited!) But the mental energy I’ll need for writing won’t be used up by essays and papers and original creative writing classes! (Assuming I get a seat-warming job, crosses fingers lol.) So basically I’m just letting you all know that, despite my behavior, I haven’t forgotten anything! I just really don’t have time (yet).

For sake of knowing when you can expect things, here’s a list of the things I want to work on (starting December) in order of importance:

(honestly this is as much for my reference as yours lmao)

Commenting and reblogging this year’s Grandthorki Day fics! Very top priority, and if I get a free two seconds in my life, I’ll try to do some of this before semester ends too

Putting Grandthorki Rimworld streams into shorter view-able highlights instead of the full-streaming chunks that they currently are in (especially that 3-hour unwatchable one)

Finishing OoT

Commenting on the rest of the grandthorki fics that have been neglected in recent months

Finishing Moment of Peace

Finishing Figment of Choice

Completing the Big Bang/Dark Thor Grandthorki Fic

Going through my drafts to answer all the asks and recommend all the fic I’ve put there

Finishing that Whumptober Collection and/or Re-Doing Whumptober (because lets be real by the time all of this is done, it will probably be October haha)

Updating Happily Ever After

If I’m forgetting anything that you guys really have been wanting me to do, please let me know!

[tonyspep]

and possibly i like the thrill (of under me you quite so new)

a/n: friends to lovers is my favorite thing in the whole world, give me a girl seeing a boy in a new way or vice versa and i will die every time like i've never seen it lol. this was inspired by the poem i like my body when it's with your body by ee cummings. i imagined richard's friend who is a writer to be naomi scott who was in the remake of aladdin and will be in the new charlie's angels. also richard's sisters are mentioned throughout the fic, i don't know their names so i made them up; they are beth and evie.

~*~and possibly i like the thrill~*~

(of under me you quite so new)

pairing: richard madden/you

summary: it is so quite new a thing/or they've been friends for as long as they can remember, now – over the course of three days – they take the leap and become something more

rating: m

well, it seems to me that the best relationships – the ones that last – are frequently the ones rooted in friendship. you know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. like a switch has been flicked somewhere. and the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with.

gillian anderson -

part one of three

[day one]

You couldn't understand why you were nervous, so nervous that you had gone through two bags of crisps and were currently working through a third as you waited for Richard to pick you up at the airport. There was absolutely no reason for you to be nervous, it's not as if you were some starstruck fangirl who waxed rhapsodic about his bluer than blue eyes or the cut of his jawline. You were his – literally – oldest friend. The two of you having been joined at the hip – basically – since you were born, just a few hours apart in the very same hospital in Renfrewshire and then just two houses down from each other until you both moved away – him to London to pursue acting – and you to Paris for writing.

Now he was Mr. Mega Famous Superstar, everyone in your little town crowing on and on about Robb Stark had a pint at the pub and sat in this very chair.

And you had done well for yourself, also. Starting out low on the totem pole at French Vogue to writing a weekly thing and celebrity profiles before deciding to go free lance and compose a book of observational essays, which – somehow – made the New York Times bestseller list. But that was nothing compared to being recognized all over the world by millions of people.

You couldn't help but shake your head from the stray thought.

While you were far from blind – his puppy fat had long since melted away, revealing the handsome face the public had come to know – he was still just Dickie, your oldest friend who you took baths with, who devoured your mother's chicken korma with gusto you couldn't even manage and your first kiss behind the swings of your primary school when you were five.

Or at least that's what you had to keep reminding yourself of more and more every time you saw him again.

Because the last few years, what was so obvious to the world at large, was getting harder and harder for you to ignore.

The broadness of his shoulders, the obvious strength in his lean but toned arms, how he had a bum a quarter could bounce off of. That streak of pure silver among his tight auburn curls, the way his eyes crinkled as he laughed, his lush lips forming that oh so charming grin with ease.

oh, god you thought, panic setting it. You were basically on the verge of being like one of those people who typed those thirst tweets that Buzzfeed made him read. Richard Madden could run me over with a bus and I'd still suck that dick or whatever and now you were going to spend the next three days in Cannes with him... alone.

fuck you cursed just as your senses were suddenly assaulted by a warm crisp scent of pine and spice and man, making your thighs involuntarily clench underneath you as you prepared for the deep rasp you knew was coming.

“Surrender that extra bag of crisps I know you have and I won't cause a scene, little miss,”

little miss, little miss, little miss...

It shouldn't have – it's something he's called you for so long now, something playful and affectionate because though he isn't tall by the standard of most men, he towers over your tiny barely five foot frame – but your wayward imagination takes over before you can stop it.

The two words – in your head – are rougher, deeper – like a growl from the deepest part of his chest that you definitely haven't thought of and when the bristles of his beard brush against the smooth skin of your cheek, you suck in a deep breath reminding yourself that this was the same man who at age thirteen ran to the corner store for a hot water bottle and emergency tampons for you, that he was your oldest and most dearest friend and you shouldn't be thinking about him pounding you – your legs wrapped around that criminally narrow waist – as he called you little miss.

You turn, expected to be confronted by his ridiculously blue eyes, and your more than thankful that they're hidden by stylish aviators. You laugh at the cap on his head, plucking it off and setting it on your own head as you stick out your tongue, falling easily into the familiar routine of best friend.

“Put that back where it belongs, miss or I'll have to tell the lovely Dr. Chokalingam how the polite, lovely girl she raised is now a little hellion with no regard for manners,” He threatened, flashing those perfectly white teeth as his lush lips twisted into a smile that was too charming for your own good.

You were about to retort – something tart on the tip of your tongue – when suddenly you found yourself swept into his arms. Your face fell into the crook of his neck and you couldn't resist breathing him in, that familiar smell of spice (cinnamon) and pine with that burst of citrus (orange) underneath and something completely Richard engulfed you, and when he pulled back – lifting his aviators – and there were his stupidly blue eyes staring at you, your stomach swooped and it was suddenly filled with butterflies.

“I've missed you,” So honest, so sincere like only he can be and you can't stop the shudder that rolls through your lithe frame.

As he watched you bound into the lavish hotel lobby, your fingers slipping from his as your wide coffee colored eyes took in every inch, Richard didn't know how he was going to survive these next three days.

You were even more beautiful than he remembered, the warmth of the Southern French sunlight bathing you in a glow that had his heart tripping in his chest. You were dressed more than appropriately for the heat the island was known for, the denim cut offs revealing the length of your shapely legs. Though, small in stature, your legs – somehow – seemed to go for miles finally ending in dainty feet that were slid into worn flip flops revealing your gold painted toes that sparkled.

His cap was back on his head – after a bit of a playful wrestling match the two of you had – and now your hair was twisted into a messy top knot, several of the inky black strands framing your face, and he could feel his fingers flex by his side, the want to brush them away and then seal his lips across your pert raspberry pout growing stronger by the second. His feet easily separated the small distance between you, his hand reaching for your wrist and as soon as his fingers closed over your skin, he twirled you, unable to stop himself.

It was so hard to ignore your body pressed against his, your pert breasts pillowed against his chest, the flare of your hips aligned with his waist and your head tucked perfectly under his chin.

“I missed you too,” And it was clearly his imagination because why would you sound breathless around him? He was your oldest mate; the chubby boy who did things like get you emergency tampons and hot water bottles from the corner store, not someone you would ever think of as a viable romantic partner.

Little did he know as he bent his head forward, nose nuzzling the appealing curve of your slim shoulder, you were thinking the same thing. That he would never see you as a viable romantic partner.

In the suite, the studio had booked there were two queen sized beds, but by the end of the holiday the two beds would be pushed together, neither of you knew that yet, though.

“Do you ever get used to it,” You asked softly after you and Richard slipped out of the hotel's back entrance through it's enormous kitchen. “Having to do this? Sneak about? How if a pap snapped away, I'd be called the latest flavor of heartthrob Richard Madden's month?” You tease, nudging his hip with yours, purposefully keeping your voice light, even though your stomach drops.

You can't help but think how lonely it must be for him, now that he's – you can't stop your cheeks from warming – some kind of sex symbol.  Which leads you to thinking about the revolving door of women that have come in and out of his life since he and Jenna finally split. All of them tall, all of them drop dead gorgeous with bodies you could never compete with no matter how many spin classes you took or how many miles you ran.

You bite your lip, casting a look at him from underneath your lashes and your heart aches as you watch sadness creep into his chiseled features. His blue eyes go dull, turning a subtle grey and he shakes his head, carding his fingers through his curls.

“Not really,” He answers, faint blush creeping into his perfect cheekbones. “I don't see myself the way everyone else seems to,” A dry chuckle. “Though, if a pap snapped away at you and I,” There's that charming grin again and his eyes have returned to their usual bright state. That happy blue you could drown in. “I can't say,” He's doing that thing where he stares straight into your eyes and your whole world melts away, leaving only the two of you and your stomach goes swoopy and there are the butterflies and you don't know how you're standing. “I'd be the least bit miffed to be listed as one of the flavors of the month for New York Times best-selling author Ariana Chokalingam.”

Your heart stutters in your chest, that wonderful brogue full of such sincerity, you don't know how you're breathing. Under the faint glow of the lights from the hotel, he looks very much like the young prince he claims he's happy not to be cast as anymore. He's so handsome, you feel as though the French Police should be called and he should be towed away because his looks make him as dangerous as any criminal roaming about.

You stop your wayward thoughts and jab him square in the ribs, breaking yourself out of your little fantasy. “Come off it,” You chide. “I don't have flavors of the month. The paps would just tag me as a mystery brunette on your arm. It was just a book of essays, Dickie,” You roll your eyes and give him another jab. “The cover was mostly pink.”

“Don't,” His tone is fierce and the muscle in the cut of his jaw twitches and clenches as if he's back on the set of Bodyguard playing David Budd. “Don't do that,” His voice changes going gentle, almost pleading as you feel his large palm cup the right side of your face, forcing you to look into his too-captivating eyes. “Ana,” Something only he calls you, everyone else around you defaulting to Ari or your full name. “If it was just a book of essays would so many people have bought it? First in hard cover and then in paper back. Vera and Roshi couldn't have bought every copy. If Beth hadn't told me I was ridiculous, I would have beat them to the punch, anyway,” He laughs and his eyes are sparkling, a boyish and bashful look crossing his handsome face. “Evie will be the first to tell you, I hadn't read a book cover to cover since secondary school when I was required to.”

“Stoooop,” You whine, shoving at him and before you can shove him again, he's caged you in his arms and nuzzles his face against your neck. “It's true. I'll call them right now and prove it,” He insists and you giggle as you squirm in his embrace. “C'mon, Romeo,” You sigh, finally managing to twist out of his hold. “Show me what mega stars do on holiday. Writers only get into the hottest parties and whatnot if they're on assignment y'know.”

Le Vogue was Taron's suggestion after Richard had sent his good friend a quick text. The music – electronica and house – reminded him of the music they used for Ibiza. The club itself was intimate with close quarters, at least from what he was able to gather as all too quickly the the two of you were whisked to the private era, a velvet rope separating you and the other VIPs from the public.

Under the strobe lights, you were even more beautiful to him, and he found himself slipping back into being almost cripplingly shy as if he were nothing more than a school boy.

The flimsy dress you had chosen to wear – after changing from your cutoffs and tee – wasn't helping at all, of course.

The fabric is satin, the straps thin and sitting high on your slim shoulders while the satin clings to your pert breasts emphasizing how they would fit perfectly in the heft of his palms and the ribbon wrapped around your waist shows off how tiny that part of your body is while its slit reaches the top of your thigh, teasing him to helplessness every time you so much as take a step let alone dance.

It's the music and the alcohol, he thinks as you drag him to the floor, grinding and sliding against him, head thrown back to the steady thump of the bass, exposing the wonderful length of your neck. He wants nothing more than for this to be real, for you to want him as he wants you. If not for the French beer giving you a buzz, no one knowing either of you and how it's typical for anyone to be loose with their inhibitions while on holiday, you wouldn't be doing this; touching him, your fingers carding through his hair, then sliding down the front of his body before swiveling your hips in such a way he's not sure he remembers his own name.

How early it is when you finally leave, Richard doesn't know all he knows is you're thoroughly smashed, like utterly blitzed and tanked up and because you're in such a state, you're clingier than you would be otherwise. You can't stop touching him; your hands blindly groping over and underneath his clothes, your roaming hands – at one point – actually grip his ass which makes you howl with laughter as you nearly topple over on your unsteady feet, the heels on your feet doing you no favors in keeping you upright.

Despite being wasted, you still smell of daisies and clementines and when you fall into bed, hiccuping and mumbling how your mother would be thoroughly disappointed in you, he laughs and sets about the task of getting you comfortable to sleep off your drunken stupor.

He's careful of not revealing more of your luscious mocha skin than he has to as he tries to slip your dress away and put on your pajamas. It doesn't help that he's replacing this devil of a dress with shorts that can't possibly cover your ass and a top that doesn't seem like it will cover your entire front, some of your stomach – flat and smooth – will surely be visible, and he curses his parents for raising him to be such a fucking gentleman.

“Nooooooooo,” You whine after he's finally gotten you changed. You're grabbing for him again and he bats your insistent hands away, bending and murmuring as he pushes back several strands of your hair, “Sleep mo leannan,” He urges, his voice soft and gentle.

“Staaaaaaaaay,” Another whine as your velvet lashes reveal unfocused and bleary coffee eyes. But they're soft and warm, somehow, as well and he's never been able to resist you. Going back to when you were children and you always got the last crisp in the bag or the last piece of his Gran's homemade shortbread from the tin. “If you insist, my lady,” Bowing gallantly and you laugh – loud and brash – your head thrown back as if it's the funniest thing you've heard and after stripping to his boxer briefs, he grabs an old tee shirt and slips it on before climbing into bed with you.

You cling to him like a limpet, your every inch pressed against his and just before he falls asleep you murmur, “Thanks for staying, Dickie.”

“Anything for you, Ana.”

a/n: mo leannan is scottish for my sweetheart

@bluesfortheredj @nishanki1

[bludstains-blog1]

❝               you     punched     me     in     the     face          ,          you     made     me     walk     through     𝘀𝗵𝗶𝘁𝘁𝘆     water          ,          brought     me     to     a        FUCKING     CRACKHOUSE          (     !     )          .  .  .          and     now          ,          i’m     gonna     have     to     kill     this     fucking     clown          .               ❞

𝖑𝖆𝖞𝖊𝖗     𝖔𝖓𝖊         .          dossier     .

full  name:  richard  james  tozier.

nicknames:  

primarily  known  as  richie.

rich.

trashmouth.

bowers’  gang’s  slew  of  derogatory  nicknames.

‘chee.

age:  twenty - one.

date  of  birth:  march  seventh.

place  of  birth:  derry,  maine.

nationality:  american.

occupation:

college  student.

bartender.

regular  on  the  local  college’s  radio  station.

sexual  &  romantic  orientation:  he’s  gay,  totally  gay  !

gender  identity:  cisgender  male,  using  he/him  pronouns.

hogwarts  house:  ravenclaw.

𝖑𝖆𝖞𝖊𝖗     𝖙𝖜𝖔         .          biographical     .

richard  james  tozier,  known  affectionaly  as  richie  or  trashmouth,  is  the  only  son  of  wentworth  and  maggie  tozier,  and  for  the  most  part  they’re  a  relatively  unassuming  family.  wentworth  is  a  dentist  whose  attitude  towards  his  own  son’s  dental  care  is  simultaneously  strict  and  lax,  and  maggie  makes  a  life  out  of  spoiling  the  fuckshit  out  of  her  boys  but  she  loves  it.  there’s  nothing  out  of  the  ordinary  about  the  little  family  they’ve  built   ;   established  in  their  routines,  in  their  practices,  the  toziers  are  nothing  to  write  home  about.

richie’s  a  handful,  admittedly.  diagnosed  with  adhd  when  he  turns  four,  he’s   hyperactive, loud,  histrionic,  a  sarcastic  little  smartass  before  he  knows  what  any  of  those  things  are.  he  keeps  himself  entertained  with  comic  books,  drinking  in  their  bright  colours  and  their  intricate  storylines  and  develops  an  infinite  love  for  their  careworn  pages  and  their  impossible  tales.  they  keep  him  grounded,  strange  as  it  is   — -   when  all  goes  to  shit,  as  it  inevitably  will,  he’ll  thumb  through  an  old  copy  of  uncanny  x-men  and  the  world  doesn’t  seem  so  heavy  anymore.  when  he  gets  his  first  pair  of  glasses,  thick - rimmed  plastic  frames  and  lenses  more  like  coke  bottles  than  actual  lenses,  he  spends  two  hours  spiraling  deep  into  the  familiar  world  of  his  comics.  when  he  gets  tripped  up  the  first  time,  when  he  gets  called  fuckface  or  four - eyes  or  worse,  he  swallows  back  the  lump  in  his  throat  and  legs  it  home  for  his  comics.  when  he’s  reading,  he’s  not  so  hyperactive   — -   he  still  frantically  jiggles  one  leg,  but  he’s  quiet,  introspective   — -   the  silence  is  rare  but  comforting.

his  sense  of  humour  is  sharp  as  anything,  practised  daily  on  his  poor  mother  and  father.  he’s  developed  a  slew  of  Voices,  little  impressions  that  differ  only  in  tone  and  intention,  but  wentworth  and  maggie  encourage  him  to  keep  working,  keep  building  on  them.  his  wit  gets  him  into  trouble  at  school,  and  numerous  teachers  have  written  in  reports  that  richie’s  got  a  bit  of  a  reputation  for  being  a  class  clown.   (   humour  is  a  desperate  attempt  to  grab  out,  to  latch  onto  a  friend  because  really,  he’s  so  fucking  lonely  it  hurts  and  he  just  wants  someone  to  laugh  at  him  and  entertain  his  endless  bullshit  and  be  there.   )

shouldn’t  have  wished  so  hard  for  friends,  because  they  come  along  in  the  form  of  the  losers’  club.  richie  moreso  stumbles  across  them  than  anything   — -   knew  bill  denbrough  because  they  lived  on  the  same  block,  found  him  fuckin’  round  in  the  barrens  with  some  other  kids  and  hey,  it’s  like  they’d  been  best  friends  forever.  there’s  bill,  big  bill,  stuttering  bill,  de  facto  leader  and  richie’s  unspoken  idol.  there’s  stan,  preternaturally  neat  and  it’s like  he  came  out  of  the  womb  like  that,  already  a  coherent  amalgamation  of  smiles  in  his  voice  and  rolled  eyes.  there’s  mike,  with  his  killawatt  smile  and  good  intentions  and  comforting  voice  that  sets  ease  into  richie’s  perpetually  rattled  bones.  ben,  whose  creativity  and  quiet  reassurance  is  something  richie  pines  after  desperately.  beverly,  the  only  girl,  cigarette-scented  voice  of  rhyme  and  reason  and  rationality.  then  there’s  eddie,  and  richie  swallows  up  anything  he  can  say  about  eddie  before  the  words  come  out.

it’s  painful,  realising  you’re  in  love  with  your  best  friend.  it  starts  early,  a  quick  glance  here  and  there  that  lingers,  a  breath  that  catches  in  your  throat  when  you  see  him  smile.  you  try  and  push  the  feelings  down,  swallow  them  whole  before  they  can  infect  every  part  of  you  but  darling,  it’s  never  that  easy.  by  the  time  summer  arrives,  you  are  in  far  too  deep.  you  never  really  recover  from  your  pre - adolescent  tango  with  love,  and  it  develops  into  an  adolescent  waltz  with  it,  and   — -   you  get  the  picture.

what’s  worse  is  knowing  that  you’re  not  the  same  as  the  others.  you  don’t  look  at  beverly  like  bill  and  ben  do,  and  you  hate  yourself  for  it.  you  wish  you  could  find  joy  in  the  sweet  smile  of  the  girl  that  sits  in  front  of  you  in  english,  but  you  find  yourself  drawn  to  the  boy  who  snorts  behind  his  hand  at  your  mistimed  joke.  you  hate  the  way  it  makes  you  feel  warm  and  fuzzy  inside.  you  hate  yourself,  but  you  won’t  speak  that  into  existence  /  choke  on  the  jokes  that  burn  like  acid,  swallow  down  the  insults  you  hurl  at  yourself  when  you  think  no  one  is  watching.  trash  the  trashmouth  --- -  first  one  to  hit  the  trashmouth  where  it  hurts  is  the  trashmouth  himself.

summer  brings   — -   well,  it’s  been  years  now  and  richie’s  still  lost  for  words  that  fit  what  that  summer  really  was.  it  starts  with  a  few  kids  going  missing,  ending  up  dead  and  then  it’s  george  denbrough,  little  georgie,  one  arm  chewed  off  and  yellow  slicker  tainted  sticky  red  and  then  the  whole  world  seems  to  fall  apart.  bill’s  a  madman  on  a  mission,  and  richie  follows   — -   follows  when  it  means  getting  taunted  by  a  demon  clown  alien  thing,  when  it  means  fucking  fighting  said  demon  alien  clown  thing,  snapping  eddie’s  broken  arm  back  into  some  kind  of  place  whilst  bated  breaths  are  held  back  in  case  it  hears.  they  beat  it,  and  richie’s  still  not  sure  how  but  he  knows  that  for  six  months  after,  he  can’t  look  at  a  clown  without  digging  bitten  fingernails  into  calloused  flesh  of  a  palm.  a  year  later,  he  still  jumps  at  too - loud  noises.  two  years  later,  he  starts  seeing  a  therapist  because  his  parents  have  noticed  he  can’t  sleep  in  the  dark  anymore.

he  remembers  the  entirety  of  that  summer  in  vivid  clarity.  he  wishes  he  could  forget.

high  school,  college  applications,  they  all  become  a  blur.  the  losers  spend  most  nights  together,  endless  double  features,  piling  into  cars,  growing  up  and  together  and  apart  until  the  first  one  of  them  leaves,  and  it  feels  like  taking  a  fucking  bullet.  slowly,  they  all  scatter  to  the  wind,  memories  firm  but  never  forgotten  and  richie’s  planning  california,  hot  summers  and  comedy  shows  but  he  ends  up  in  castle  rock,  only  a  stone’s  throw  away  from  derry.

he  studies  political  science,  because  he’s  got  a  weird  aptitude  for  it.  he  finds  comfort  in  arguing  about  trotskyism  and  writing  essays  about  the  fall  of  the  third  reich  at  4  am  in  the  morning,  buzzing  on  caffeine  and  glued  to  the  crackle  of  the  tiny  little  television  he  bought  with  the  majority  of  the  money  he  saved  for  textbooks.  he  barely  attends  lectures,  and  manages  to  ace  his  classes  because  despite  everything,  he’s  brilliant  (  and  no  i  won’t  let  this  point  go  ).  despite  a  well - earned  reputation  for  clownery,  he’s  always  been  a  brilliant  kid  and  he  never  chose  to  go  to  school,  so  he  never  bothered  applying  himself.  he  chooses  college,  therefore  he  works  and  it  shows.  

the  nightmares  persist  well  after  he  thinks  he’s  over  the  events  of  that  summer.  he  wakes  up  in  a  cold  sweat,  throat  sore  from  screaming  and  clutching  ripped  sheets,  and  he  can’t  chase  the  nightmares  away  because  they’re  too  real,  they’re  out  there  and  he  can’t  stand  that  knowledge.  he  can’t  deal  with  it,  so  he  drinks  instead.  there’s  a  few  jack  daniels  bottles  stashed  under  his  bed,  and  he  won’t  let  anyone  know  about  those  or  how  painfully  dependent  he  gets  on  the  hot  burn  of  whiskey  down  the  back  of  his  throat  when  the  nightmares  are  bad  and  he’s  sticking  to  threadbare  sheets.

and  yet,  despite  everything,  he  does  his  best  not  to  change  ---  same  sense  of  humour,  all  bark  and  no  bite,  tinged  with  a  wide  grin  and  sleep - tousled  bedhead.  despite  everything,  he’s  still  the  same  old  richie,  still  loudmouthed  and  too  quick  for  his  own  good  and  too  much  fun  to  be  around.

anyways  i  love  richie  tozier  a  lot  thank  you  for  coming  to  my  ted  talk

𝖑𝖆𝖞𝖊𝖗     𝖙𝖍𝖗𝖊𝖊     .          fun     facts     .

he  currently  has  a  radio  show  on  the  college  radio  station,  played  in  the  early  hours  of  the  morning.  it  keeps  him  up  and  keeps  his  nightmares  away,  for  the  most  part. his  Voices  have  been  getting  gradually  better,  and  he’s   been  considering  doing  a  segment  on  his  radio  show  using  them.

his  entire  room  that  he  rents  in  a  sharehouse  is  covered  in  film  and  music  posters,  not  in  frames  yet  bc  he’s  not  that  kind  of  adult  yet.  he  fucking  loves  star  wars,  and  he  thinks  empire  strikes  back  is  the  coolest  fucking  thing  he’s  ever  seen.  he’s  an  avid  pop  culture  junkie,  swallows  it  all  up  and  ingests  it  until  he’s  glowing  with  it  all.

he  works  as  a  bartender  to  make  ends  meet,  amongst  other  things.  he  hasn’t  been  fired  for  drinking  bourbon  from  the  bottle  yet,   so  that’s  good  for  him.

he  bought  his  first  car  when  he  was  about  seventeen,  and  he  loves  the  damn  thing  even  though  it’s  pretty  much  worthy  of  nothing  but  the  local  trash  heap.

dresses  like  a  fucking  idiot  but  has  that  ever  changed

slowly  he’s  thinking  about  veering  out  into  comedy  n  i  support  it  for  him.  ur  not  jerry  seinfeld  but  try  ur  best  sweetie

a  girl  blew  him  a  kiss  in  high  school  and  he  pretended  like  he  got  shot  and  ‘  died  ’  in  mike’s  arms.  end  scene

[ryumako]

so I’ve mentioned it before but I started watching bnha soon after 7/15, because it was my birthday and I had gotten on tumblr and saw that it was also Deku’s birthday.

Sharing a birthday wasn’t the actual reason I started watching it, it was more so the fact that I was a) already trying to choose another (specifically shounen) anime to watch and b) had seen so so much bnha on tumblr, especially on that day, and I figured I might as well get in on it (I didn’t even know season 4 was coming out soon and in hindsight I’m so glad I caught up because tumblr goes fucking buck wild for bnha as any season of it comes out and it doesn’t matter who you follow, no one is safe)

but yeah, I’ve currently got about 60 anime on my plan-to-watch list and bnha wasn’t even Fucking One Of Them (but that’s just how it goes, isn’t it)

I was very indifferent about it at first, but even then I was still thinking about it when I wasn’t watching it. I had a lot of questions (that eventually got answered). There were things that rubbed me the wrong way (subtle and not-so-subtle fetishy stuff, how the female characters are treated/written, Mineta existing at all, etc. But like. I find a lot of shounen anime to be this way. Doesn’t excuse them, but I make my Disgusted™ face and soldier on). But there were also a lot of things I liked. It’s funny, the animation and art style (especially the manga’s) is really cool, and I fell for most of the characters immediately.

For a while, it was just something for me to watch on the train. And I don’t know when it happened, but eventually I liked it so much that I could no longer watch it on the train because I would be visibly reacting to scenes. Didn’t matter much anyway, I caught up in about 9 days (would have been shorter, but I had a full time job at the time).

Anyway, I got distracted from the series because a couple weeks later I was dumped and then fired (yikes) and had to move from Denver to Kansas. Still, I was looking at fan art during the whole 7 hour drive.

I wanted to read the manga, but I’ve never read a manga this long. I wanted to make sure I had the Time and the Energy. I ended up starting it on August 29th and caught up with it 3 days ago on the 7th. I have yet to read Vigilantes or Smash!! but I’m getting to it

I started the manga for 2 reasons

a) Season 4 in just a month!! I wanted to know what I’m in for

b) I needed to figure out the hype around certain characters. I am hyper aware of the fact that tumblr latches on to characters so hard to the point where it doesn’t even make sense and they end up mischaracterizing them. I wanted to accurately Form my Opinions.

I’m the type to usually have the main character or someone close to the main character as my favorite (um if that wasn’t already blatantly fucking obvious lmao) and it’s because they almost always have the most character development/detailed backstory! That isn’t to say that I can’t infer things about the more minor characters, it’s just that usually they’re much less interesting/developed anyway. Bnha is overwhelming because there are several lovable characters.

But yeah, after watching the anime and having not yet read the manga, I was having a lot of trouble understanding the hype around: Mirio (based on what you see in the anime, he didn’t really have a personality yet, just POWERRRR and a cool-ass quirk, but don’t get me wrong, I love him now! He’s super admirable and really interesting. I also love his interactions/relationship with Deku!)

Kirishima (he seemed like a generic supporting character to me. He was really funny the whole anime, but I failed to see why he was so popular. After reading his backstory and watching him overcome his shortcomings, watching him frame himself in such a realistic way, etc, I loved him! His character design is really, really cool, and he’s a super lovable guy. You want to be his friend. Definitely the kind of character I can’t imagine anyone hating.)

Todoroki (out of the characters I list here, I understood this hype the most, because a decent amount of his backstory/character is already revealed in the anime. But people fucking LOVE Todoroki. I saw him more than any other character on my dashboard, even before I consumed the series and followed bnha blogs. I was like yeah, he’s cool and interesting, but is he that cool and interesting? The answer is yes! Todoroki is a very mature, clever, multi-faceted in depth character and he’s also fucking hilarious. Also, his quirk? Hell yes!)

and then Bakugo.

Um

I still don’t understand the Bakugo hype. I like his character design (his Japanese VA is perfect, like what a fucking voice, he probably can’t even speak after recording), I like that his existence motivates Deku, and some of the things he says make me laugh out loud

But like, I cannot humanize him, and I cannot understand the hype. I was really really hoping the manga would help me Understand the Hype but it didn’t really?

Listen,

Horikoshi basically said ‘I was going to make Bakugo an actual character with human emotions besides anger, I was going to give him empathy, I was going to make him not wholly self-absorbed, I was going to give him a personality besides that of a wet house cat,

but look at him! Look into his eyes! There is nothing there. Only anger.’

Or rather, he literally calls him “explosively rotten and detestable”.

BUT RACHE, what about when he brought Deku aside to talk about his quirk? What about that one time he showed a single scrap of softness?

Okay I’ll give you one thing - he did finally show an emotion that wasn’t just anger (even though he was still angry the whole time). We learned that Bakugo can feel Regret. But also…was that whole thing not only just about him?

It was ’I feel guilty about being the catalyst that ended All Might’s career’

’I need to fight Deku to prove myself, despite his initial protests’

’I need to break the school’s rules and get both of us in trouble because I can’t handle my own feelings’

He was only thinking about himself the whole time, so I don’t really put much stock in that argument. I was surprised that he agreed to keep the existence of One for All a secret, and I still believe it was totally out of character for him to do so, but the alternative would cause the unraveling of the entire story, so.

Upon reading the manga, I found one (1), one scrap of hope. And if you’ve read the manga, you probably know what I’m talking about, because it was kind of a big deal to people.

He said that. I actually gasped when I read it. I really couldn’t believe it (oh the bar is so low though)

THIS was a really good example that Bakugo has feelings somewhere. And believable, too! It didn’t come off as out of character for a couple reasons -

a) He is saying it to a child he will likely never see again. He would never say this within earshot of a classmate (Todoroki, Yoarashi, and Camie were all adequately distracted) and if god forbid Deku were to ever hear that from him, he would backpedal so fast he’d get whiplash. But yeah, of course he’d never say anything like that around anyone that matters.

b) The setting. He’s actively in the remedial classes, where he can only be hyper-aware of his failures and shortcomings, whether he likes it or not. This line/scene occurs rather far into the manga. He hasn’t gotten anywhere and he fucking knows it. Every time he makes a move or has a chance, it backfires. He’s starting to realize his self-absorption alone is holding him back and this line is a hint that maybe, maybe he’ll change

but will Horikoshi write that? I have trouble picturing him doing that, and if Bakugo does change, it is going to take a really

really

long time. I know a lot of fans have the patience to see it happen, I suppose I do now as well, but I suspect casual fans won’t.

In a way, I am a little obsessed with Bakugo just because you all are. I’m always trying to understand the psychology. I’m not trying to insult anyone who does have the impulse to humanize him (some of you though…SOME of you DEFINITELY go too far) because again, his character design is cool, his quirk is cool, and he can be funny at times (albeit not at all clever).

I will definitely be here for the seemingly unattainable dream chapter in which he apologizes to Deku. I can’t even imagine it…

I’m a little annoyed at myself now, because Deku is my favorite character but I simply don’t have much to say. I just wrote a goddamn Bakugo Essay but I don’t have much to say about Deku. He’s one of the most motivational and relatable characters I’ve ever come across. Call him a generic shounen protag all you want, but I love him. If it were 2012 and kin was still a thing (and I had That Type of Brain) I’d be hard pressed to find a better kin candidate (born on Jul 15? infp? Bullied mercilessly yet resilient? Sweet as fuck? Same god damn hat Deku). He’s adorable, funny, nerdy, and ferocious. That boy goes absolutely feral on his opponents/enemies and you love to see it. 

But anyway, yeah! Bnha fucking rocks and I don’t give a fuuuck if it’s associated with cringe culture. “Cringe culture” is cringe culture. I was telling my brother about how the plot is dummy simple, so I can see how people think it’s overrated. However, it’s hard not to love the characters, and the creativity of their designs and quirks! Horikoshi had my head spinning with the infinite amount of unique characters he seems to pull out of his ass and make likable (or at least respectable) (um save for Mineta, fuck that guy, what a ginormous mistake. There’s this song I like called “Don’t Give Me Grapes” and while the lyrics aren’t applicable at all, I get that song stuck in my head whenever I see that idiot because my brain says “Don’t give me grapes.” Don’t give me grapes).

The writing is also fucking captivating, like obviously everyone knows the hero will come out the victor every single time, but with bnha’s arcs, you definitely find yourself asking “but how?? How the fuck will they get out of this one??” You’re left biting your nails thinking “dude, man, Horikoshi, there’s no way you didn’t just write yourself into a corner right now” but then there’s the TWISTS and ugh I love them. I love them. I Lov