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jodilin65 · 27 years

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SATURDAY, MAY 31, 1997 Next door left that same day I saw his car there and I didn’t know it, so that’s very nice. I only knew it when I went to check later on and saw that there was no car there.

But I wonder what’s going on next door right now. I mean, all’s perfectly quiet, there are no cars there, but she’s got her living room blinds wide open and the place is brightly lit. This isn’t like her and I hope this doesn’t mean she’s gonna have some wild company. When I saw over there, the place looked almost bare and it’s the 31st, so I wonder if she’s moving. I doubt it, though, cuz why would she have to split at night if she were breaking a lease or something? You only need to do that in apartments usually. Also, there’s no car to move her and her stuff out and there’s no sign up to rent or sell the house.

I hope she doesn’t move. Not as long as she’s been this quiet and as long as he’s almost never here and quiet when he is here.

I got 25 dog and cat address labels from the Humane Society, so I threw them on the backs of people’s envelopes that I normally write to Kim, Bob, Larry, and my folks.

One of the books Ma lent me is another Dean Koontz book and it’s great.

I also have been totally obsessed with this new tiles game I got from AOL. It’s a type of Mah Jong game where you have to match the pieces. It’s a shareware game and the guy who programmed this game says that you’ve only got 30 days with it, or else it’ll shut down if you don’t pay the $20 registration fee. Tom says, though, that due to the fact that this guy’s got some bugs in this game, and cuz it’s his first game he programmed, it may not shut down when my time is up with it and I sure hope not.

We’re still having sex on a full-time basis and I’m so glad to say that things are so much better. There have only been one or two days in over a month since we’ve argued or since I’m been bumming about not being able to ever have a kid. I’m sure that the more time that passes, the less upset over not having a kid I’ll be. I just have to keep reminding myself of the good that I do have and of the fact that my being upset over it (even though we can’t help our emotions) can’t and won’t change anything. It wasn’t meant to be and therefore, I must live life and use what I do have and whatever else I may have in life and make the very best of it.

We went swimming today and the pool’s so comfy now. If only God or someone would kill every single bee in this world, though!

I broke down and went back to feeding the birds. Guess I just felt so guilty; taking care of them for so long, then starving them. It’d probably take a year to get rid of them anyway, so I told myself we’ve got many years before we move, we’re not having a kid to have to worry about it getting messed up within their duties, so just deal with their mess, keep it as clean as you can and enjoy your birds.

Later…

Now I know why she had her blinds wide open. I was just sitting down to listen to music when I heard a car door, so I went and looked and there was a car there. I just hadn’t noticed it before, cuz I didn’t check in the carport area, cuz he usually parks just outside the carport. If he’s gonna be here this weekend, or even longer, I just hope things stay peaceful.

Here’s another reason why he may have quieted down. I met her the day after I first met him and she seemed the least bit friendly and like she did not want to talk to me at all. Andy thinks that maybe she thought I was pretty and therefore, was worried about him noticing that, too. Well, I suspected that too, cuz unless she just doesn’t like whites, I never gave her a reason to not like me, so maybe she told him to shut up to stop me from bitching to him so that he couldn’t have to see me.

Anyway, I hope that their relationship continues to be a part-time one and that we’ll continue to have 2-4 weeks without him being there. That’s all I’d need is for him to live there all the time again, cuz then I’m sure the peace wouldn’t last. Not until I stopped it and I’d rather not have to. It’s June 8th that I’m worried about. That’s when they had that big bash. At least that day falls on a Sunday and not a Saturday, so if I have to listen to them that day, I shouldn’t have to listen to them really late. They had started up at about 2 PM that day last year and they were still going at it at 10 PM when we crashed, so for all I know, they could’ve carried on into the wee hours of the morning.

I just realized something else, too. When I went to listen to music, I heard what sounded exactly like a car door opening, then it was about a half-hour later (just a few minutes ago) that I heard a door shut. I hope that that doesn’t mean that he opened the door, spent a half-hour unloading it cuz he’s moving back in, then shut the door. God, please keep him away. Denying me a child is enough, so please! Keep things with him as they have been over the last several months and please! Shut those dogs up too, or have them decide to move.

THURSDAY, MAY 29, 1997 Trying to shoo these birds away is like, yeah right! It makes me wonder if they’ll ever go away.

Today’s one of those days in a long time where I’m bummed again over not having a kid. I didn’t get hysterical or cry or anything like that, but that’s another thing I’ll just have to shoo away. It’s not meant to be. I can’t have it and that’s that.

Yesterday I was surprised to have gotten that Hits of 1984 CD, but it turns out that there were only two songs on it that I liked, so I taped them, then sent the CD back today.

I also got 3 free romance books I’d sent for. I hate romance books and the only reason I sent for them is to get the picture frame they sent with it. I gave the books to Ma, along with 4 out of the 6 books she gave me to borrow that I didn’t like, so she could give the romance books to Mary.

The picture frame holds two pictures. Small ones, so I had to cut them to trim them to fit in. I put one in of us, and one of Andy holding his cat back in MA.

Later…

Damnit! There’s a freeloader next door! If he came blasting in, then I didn’t know it, cuz he’d have had to have done it while I was listening to music. I hope he’s not gonna be here till Sunday. I mean, it’s gonna take many visits without him blasting off for me to get over the stress of seeing that car. Oh, I hate that asshole! Go away. Just go away! If he starts up, I swear I’ll kill him!

Later…

Well, it’s still over there next door. And my guess is that if it’s still over there by 9:00 or 10:00, it’s gonna be here for the weekend. I’ll do a freeloader check later and see.

Anyway, Andy and I talked for an hour yesterday and of course, he’s left me messages every day.

His days off used to be Wednesday and Thursday for the longest time, but now he’s off on Tuesday and Wednesday. He’s been happy, though. And that’s great, cuz for a while there, he was pretty bummed.

A couple of nights ago, he went to a bar and narrowed it down to the 5 cutest guys. That’s way more than I could ever narrow it down to. Especially when it comes to gay women. I’d be lucky to narrow it down to one person every 6 months. There are more gay guys that he finds attractive, whereas for me, there are hardly any gay women that I’d be attracted to. That’s cuz gay guys come in such a variety of looks. From femmy to manly. Gay women, however, all look the same. Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen 98% of them.

So, he was about to approach the cutest one, when the cutest one approached him. The guy, it turns out had AIDS (and actually admitted it, too!). The guy told Andy that he’d be perfect for his husband. I think this guy’s name is Jeff and the husband’s name is Steve. Anyway, since Jeff’s gonna die, he wants to find someone for Steve and someone to move in with them, clean their house and service them, while they support him and give him $200 a week of spending money. Andy said that this used to be a fantasy of his and still could be, but we both know they’re full of shit.

Meanwhile, he’s still gonna go meet the husband to see what he looks like. Like me, he has to be attracted to anyone he has sex or a relationship with.

He also had an enjoyable 4-hour talk (4 hours, good God!) with a guy named Stan whom he stumbled across on the meeting line and is gonna be meeting with him, too.

I wouldn’t say this to him, cuz I don’t want to bring him down and sadden him, cuz he’s had enough of that, but it just seems obvious that his Mr. Right is no more meant to be than a kid is for us. Although, he stands a hell of a lot more chance at a Mr. Right than we do of a kid.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 28, 1997 Andy will be calling any minute now. He left me a message saying he had to do some errands, but then he wanted to tell me all about the fantastic night he had last night. I left him a message back saying that that’d be fine, but that since I’ll have just talked to him, I’ll call him next week. Hopefully, he’ll take the hint; that he just calls too damn much. He, like many people, though, can be such opposite doers. You ask them not to do something, but then they do it, anyway.

I quit feeding the birds today. It’ll be hard. I’ll especially miss Measles, but this way, even though Tom said the choice is strictly mine, I won’t always have to deal with their mess, de-dutying, etc. It’ll take a while for them to go away, but in time, I may also be able to skate out there on the patio, too.

I saw a girl at Walmart when we were there and she had beautiful long hair. She told me to switch shampoos constantly if I want to help reduce the fuzzies. I’ve heard of this, too; that hair gets too used to and immune to the same shampoo if it’s used repeatedly for so long, so I got some Pantene. I’ll rotate between that and the Vidal Sassoon I’ve been using for years now.

Now it’s a few minutes after 3:00 and I knew it. Andy’s always late with phone calls and visits. So, I’ll really hear from him between 4:00 - 6:00.

MONDAY, MAY 26, 1997 Got a call from Andy and a message from Marla. Linda had twin girls. She said that the first one came out normally and easily, but the second one refused to come down, so they did a C-section. Then Marla said that someday I will know the joys and pains of motherhood and that it’s totally worth it. Yeah, I’m sure it is worth it, but no, I will not know the joys and pains of motherhood someday, but the more time that passes, the more I’m OK with that fate and will continue to be. I told her I opted not to see a doctor cuz that can’t change fate and I know that a miscarriage would be about as guaranteed as my being alive tomorrow and the next day. So, even though my husband will always bullshit me and say I’ll be pregnant at this time, then at that time, and so on and so forth, what matters is what is meant to be and that’s my husband and our happiness together. Among my many animals and hobbies. This is my fate. I am living my destiny.

Yesterday we went over to his mother’s and both Tom and I slaved over working on her thermostat we put in on her cooler and her light fixture in the computer room.

Mary came over at one point to take Ma to the cemetery and Ma also gave me 6 books to borrow.

Then we went to get an adapter for the other brand of tubes so we could connect those.

Then went to KFC.

The way we have Gizzy’s cage set up now is the coolest ever. We lowered Mary’s cage by taking out Piggy’s burrow and placing a couple of books under it instead. Then we put the Sam tubes going from Mary’s house down into the aquarium. Extending up from Mary’s house, at odd angles, are all the Play City tubes and we could have the whole thing extend over 10 feet, but since the ceiling’s not that high, we have it up to an inch from the ceiling. How we supported the weight of the tubes was by putting a hook in the ceiling, then tying yarn around the top part of the tube and the hook.

Later…

What a lovely morning I’ve been having. I got some of my own work done, then we screwed. We’ve even been having more sex! See Tom? I’m not writing bad things about you (I just showed him this)!

There had been a longer gap than usual where he was close to cumming, but not quite. He hadn’t had his Slim-Fast shakes for over a week, but he’s started those up again cuz he likes the taste and cuz it gives him more energy. So now hopefully he can keep up on his shakes and we can keep up on the sex and I know that I’ll feel better emotionally and physically. I’m gonna try not to worry so much about it if he cums during mid-cycle. I just have to trust that God wouldn’t allow me to get as far as two or more months pregnant, and then make me lose it. If he wanted me to get that far in the pregnancy, then take it away, he’d have made it happen by now and this is something that I’ll have to keep reminding myself of, as hard as I know it’ll be.

Another thing that’s helped my moods is how much we’ve gotten done around here. After my folks left and after Laughlin, I really thought he’d have a big lazy spell, but he hasn’t. He straightened up the few things that had gotten out of the place in the back room, he mowed, and more.

I know all good things must come to an end (except for us), but the longer I don’t feel starved sexually and like I have to compete with his mother for getting stuff done around here, the better I’ll feel. Both in the body and in the mind, since they’re so connected. Not feeling well puts you in a not-so-good mood, just like going through stress and bad emotions don’t make you feel so well.

I’d still say that yeah, I’d prefer it if he didn’t cum during mid-cycle. It’d be better for me and help us both to get along better. Since a baby couldn’t result out of mid-cycle screwing, anyway, it’s better to do what’d be best for my emotional state, but hey, all I have to do if he cums then, is remind myself that I will get my period. God can’t hate me that much and he wouldn’t let me have a second or third-month miscarriage. He knows I couldn’t handle that and he’d really have to have a beef against me, unlike he ever has before, in order to do that to me. Miscarriages are another one of God’s many trades that I just can’t fathom. He’s the creator of life. Therefore, why would he want to make a life just to turn around and take it away? I just don’t get that. I really don’t. Therefore, the only reason for it that I can think of is that it’s a punishment for whatever reason to those he lets that happen to. Think about it. Since when has there ever been such a case of a woman being glad she miscarried? There aren’t any cases of that and God wouldn’t do that to a woman who didn’t want kids or who shouldn’t be having them in the first place. I still say that the more fucked up you are and the more you don’t want kids, the more you’re gonna get them, so beware! Nothing can stop what’s meant to be. Nothing can change what isn’t meant to be.

I still believe that there is a reason for everything and that we all have a reason why we’re here. Well, most of us do anyway, and the reason why I’m here is for Tom.

I went for a swim before I began writing this entry and stood out there a bit to get a little color, the slow way, so as not to get sun poisoning.

Still no call from Shelly and each day that I don’t get a call, I’m more convinced my feeling is right about why I haven’t gotten any calls. Let’s see… I usually like to send my mail out on Mondays. That way people will get them on Thursday, so I’ll send her that last letter I mentioned sending her on June 9th, the day I’ll be here for half a decade.

I’m happy to say that so far, this has been a very peaceful 3-day weekend. And during the summers when those dogs don’t bark as much. The nice and surprising thing about the dogs too is that during the summers they usually do the bulk of their barking at night, but I haven’t heard that at night, so that’s good. I mostly hear them in the mornings and late afternoons. In the winter, though, it’s non-stop from about 7 AM - 7 PM

I’m still not sure I’ll chat with them about their dogs tomorrow. A part of me says I should do something about the damn situation once and for all, cuz we will be here for many years. At least 6-10 more years before we can move. The other part of me says that it won’t do a damn bit of good. I know it wouldn’t do a damn bit of good. Not after the letter I sent them. Anyone with barking dogs who gets a letter like that, can’t care about their neighbors or their dogs.

Later…

Tom and I just had a talk about Shelly. I told him that my theory was that I opened the door to bad memories for her from a horrible time in her life. He agrees, that yes, that’s very possible that that’s the case here. I then told him about the letter I planned on sending her on the 9th and he advised against it. He said that telling her in a letter that I understand that this may be the case, I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable, I just wanted to mainly thank her for looking out for me, and she doesn’t have to ever contact me as that would only make her feel put on the spot and perhaps even guilty. Well, that’s the last thing I’d want to do to her, so I shall take Tom’s advice and let her deal with this on her own.

He agrees with me that I’ll probably never hear from her again, but like he told me not to, I don’t take it personally and I do understand. I just wish her the best in life in my heart and that’s it.

I’ve got another library book to read before beginning the ones that Ma gave me, so I think I’ll go do that now.

Later…

I’m watching part 2 of 3 of a mini-series about a serial killer. He killed those who got off by our whacked-out system and was guilty of very violent crimes.

I’ll write during some of the movie and the baby commercials.

Later…

OK, it’s baby commercial time again. Although, to my utter amazement, there hasn’t been any yet. I’m sure there will be. One of those EPT commercials will come on soon enough.

I hope this guy depicted in this movie gets off. If the courts won’t execute rapists, molesters, killers, and all those violent little fucks, society should.

An ad just came on about the Annual Music Awards that’ll be on soon, but they suck. I used to love the awards, but I got so sick of them in the early 90s, cuz they’re all nothing but awards and performances by screaming freeloaders. Screaming all about drugs, sex and violence.

I’m glad the weekend passed peacefully. Earlier, I did hear music for a few minutes, but it wasn’t the freeloader. There haven’t been any cars over there all weekend.

Some parts of this movie are boring, so I think I’ll use up this boring part, to go make coffee.

SUNDAY, MAY 25, 1997 What is it with Tom and chairs? I sit in them and I have no problem. He sits in them and he breaks them. He didn’t break this new chair, but two of its wheels fell off and I know he took them off. The chair was fine the last time I used it, and he had said not to worry if something fell off cuz it’s new and may need tightening. Yeah, well, he’s gotten pretty obvious. I’m sure he said that cuz he knew he intended to take the wheels off cuz I told him not to ruin this chair. I should’ve known better than to tease such a sensitive guy about all the chairs he fucks up.

Why are guys usually sensitive in the wrong kind of way?

Later…

We got cone-shaped coffee filters for the old Melita coffeemaker that I got the first time I lived on Woodside Terrace. In one of the glass storage jars my parents brought, there was coffee in it. I put a pinch of cinnamon in the coffee and it tastes so good. Just like the cinnamon coffee Nervous and I used to drink together when he’d come for visits on Oswego St.

I looked back in my journal and it was last June 8th that next door had that loud and very long party that went for at least 8 hours. Tom had said that he thought it might’ve also been a special occasion, besides a get-together to show off their new house to their friends and all that. So, we’ll see what happens that day, but I’m hoping that he won’t be around then, if it is a special occasion of some kind, like his birthday. Or hers.

I feel more and more like it’s very important to “do right by God” and to do the right thing, even if I have no choice and even if I don’t want to. What I’m saying is, I just hope to hell that he doesn’t cum when I’m mid-cycle next time. I know all I’d have to do if he did, would be to tell myself that God would never put me through a miscarriage, therefore, we missed it, but it’s not that easy. I still fear it greatly. Even though I can’t ever see that happening, cuz I’m sure it would’ve happened by now if God was gonna put me through that, I still fear it. God has about 6 billion people to deal with, so what if he forgets to protect me from a miscarriage? I know I’m being silly by worrying over something that couldn’t be and that he wouldn’t let be, but I do. Also, the only way I’m gonna find longer-lasting peace would be for him to not cum when I’m mid-cycle. I mean, the difference in how I feel when he doesn’t cum at that time, compared to when he does, is like the difference between night and day. There’s no constant stress, depression and anxiety. I don’t feel like I want to drop dead. I don’t feel like I’m gonna panic every other second. I don’t cry for hours. I don’t feel so angry or frustrated. The feelings of being cheated and controlled are gone. I don’t feel so cursed or manipulated. I can function this way and live life for this is my destiny. This, that I’m doing now, is my true destiny. My peak, my purpose in life. To take care of Tom in any way I can and do my hobbies and keep the house as clean and as organized as I can. People, especially me, do what they have to do, not what they want to do. I have to keep my emotions as much in control and as stable as possible, so I can live and make the best of what I’ve got. This is my life. It’s where I’m supposed to be. It’s what I’m meant to do. And I must do it as best as I can and to do that, I need to be as calm and as at peace as I can be.

If he gets off next mid-cycle, no matter how much I know we’ll miss it and that we’ll always miss it, all that stress, depression, frustration, anger, anxiety, and feelings of being controlled, punished, manipulated and cheated, are gonna come flooding back quicker than I can wish them away.

So please God. I know my fate and I know what’s meant to be for me and what’s not, so please, never forget to look out for me. Please, make sure he doesn’t get off at that time. Don’t make me fear a miscarriage every month, no matter how much the part of my brain that’s very realistic, knows that I won’t have to ever have one.

OK, this is my conclusion about what’s up with Shelly. Yes, she’s got no life, but she also could’ve easily had her husband or her mother watch her sons while she made a quick two-minute call to me to tell me she’s just too tied up to talk. So, this is what I’m gonna do. If I don’t hear from her in two weeks, I’ll send her a letter telling her that if for some reason she doesn’t feel comfortable talking to me, I respect that and she doesn’t have to call if she doesn’t want to. She was a friend to me and I don’t want her to do anything that she doesn’t want to do.

Later…

I’m making a TV dinner now, and before that, I listened to music to music.

I guess today we’re going to see his mother. He said Mary and he talked last night and she said we can get tube-connector adapters that’ll allow both Play City and Sam brands to connect.

SATURDAY, MAY 24, 1997 It’s now been 5 years since they came and rescued me from the NHA.

Anyway, for a couple of days, the trailer was here, but I didn’t hear one peep out of that dog. It’s nice to know someone cared enough to do something about it.

I put 4 flags up in the bedroom over the beds, as I had cleared that wall shortly before my folks came. I put up two different Snoopy flags, one with Tweety and the cat and then the parrot one.

I’ve decided to stop feeding the birds after their food runs out. I’m just so tired of the mess they make.

Yesterday, I took my winnings and went shopping. Tom and I split up so he wouldn’t see what I was getting him. I got him 3 new pairs of boxers, 4 new pairs of black socks, and a wallet. His old wallet was falling apart.

I asked him if he’d want me to give him his present on our anniversary and his birthday, or if he’d like them now. He wanted them now and was pleased with the presents.

Andy got his present yesterday too, and said it was a nice surprise that he really enjoyed. I sent him a Xena article from the TV guide, that printout of my chat with that boring guy, and a couple of NPNs.

Tom picked up something really nice at Walmart. A thing with about 36 little square pots for planting stuff. He got two packets of cactus seeds and we watered and planted those yesterday. They have to start off indoors, and in about 3-21 days, we should see stuff starting to grow. Then, when they get to be half-inch tall, we can plant them outdoors.

Yesterday I also picked up birthday cards for my mom and for Becky and a Father’s Day card, too.

Yes, something’s definitely up with Shelly, who still hasn’t called. It’s either that she really really has no life, or she’s got something against me, but what? All I can think of is that I may have opened the door and rehashed bad memories for her, but I don’t know. She didn’t seem to have any problems at all discussing her past and the time we spent with Dotty.

After Tom and I went out yesterday, he went out by himself to his ma’s house and to do grocery shopping. He also got a nice new mouse pad with saguaro cactuses in bloom.

I got around to getting myself a few nice things and I even have $71 left over!

There were a few other nice things I saw but didn’t buy. Like a leopard pattern journal, animal stickers (over 100 of them), a fake, yet pretty cactus deco, and other odds and ends.

I didn’t get any stationary yet, but there are a couple of other things I’d like to get more with the money that’s left over. Today we may go to a used computer store to get a new chair for the computer. For the 3rd time, the chair we’ve been using is falling apart. The canvas on the back of it is just too light and it’s ripping again. Andy, who I talked to yesterday, agreed that that would be a good investment. Hopefully, we can find a decent enough chair for around $30-$40, then I’ll use what’s left over to buy Gizzy more tubes.

Anyway, I ended up buying a couple more sundresses. One’s got thin spaghetti straps and has purple flowers on it against a light blue background. The other has white straps that are about a half-inch wide that goes around the neck and arms. It’s got white/purple daisies on a purple background.

Later…

Well good, there’s no car next door, so hopefully, he won’t show up this weekend and all will be peaceful enough.

I made Tom Shepherd’s Pie in a different kind of way since he doesn’t like corn. I made it with Hamburg and potatoes, but I topped it off with macaroni and cheese, instead. Then I made vanilla pudding for him and pistachio pudding for me.

Now I’ll go see if I’ve got any email before it gets impossible to log in.

Later…

I’m sitting here now on our new computer chair. It is so comfy and by far, it’s the best chair we’ve ever had! Its seat and back are cushioned and the back part flexes a bit. It’s also got arms and it swivels, too. It’s burgundy colored and it also raises up and down. It only costs $45 and that’s a hell of a deal compared to what’s out there. We looked in several different stores before we found this one and the cheapest chair we would’ve wanted that was on wheels and that had arms, was $100. Also, the chair has a 6-year warranty, so if it breaks I won’t have to slave over trying to fix it as I did with the old chair. And of course, the one we had before that broke, too.

I also made the mistake of buying Gizzy more tubes that were of a different brand. Tom, though, says not to worry, cuz we can use pipe clamps to clamp them together.

I’ve really had with those damn dogs. I’ve had it with them years ago, so on Tuesday, I’ll be going to talk to them and give them a piece of my mind about it. Why Tuesday? Cuz that’s the next workday that those assholes will be doing daycare. Therefore, they’ll be more likely to answer their door than now. Now, they may just assume I’m some religious fanatic going around bugging people. Also, on Tuesday, that big black mouth next door won’t be there to possibly overhear my complaint. If she did hear it, she may go do something herself. Like get a dog of her own to piss me off.

Once again, I know it’ll do me no good, cuz only about 99 out of 100 neighbors give a shit about other people around them, but if this doesn’t work, I’ll just go ahead and file a formal complaint and to hell with what Tom thinks about it.

FRIDAY, MAY 23, 1997 I forgot to mention that as we pulled in from the trip, we approached next door from the opposite direction and it looked like the net may still be locked after all. It’s hard to tell. That’s good, though. I didn’t want anything too obvious that’d stand out and draw attention and suspicions. At least the kids haven’t been back since the last time they got their ball stuck. So far, anyway. I just hope to hell that this 3-day weekend isn’t wild around here, but if it is, my schedule’s set for it, so I don’t have to worry about getting woken up. As long as he stays out of the picture next door, there shouldn’t be any problems.

It looks like Tom might’ve been right after all, about his theory that his music bothered her next door. When he was here 3 weeks ago, he didn’t play his music at all, let alone softly and I know he didn’t suddenly shut up out of the goodness of his heart. Nor did she convince him to shut up on behalf of me out of the goodness of her heart.

I ended up not taking his laptop on the trip. Originally, I was gonna type stuff up on that during the trip, then copy and paste it into its journal file and hand-write it into its written book, but the reason why I didn’t take it, is cuz it would’ve been a pain in the ass. The keys are too small even for me, so I didn’t feel like typing with one finger.

I’m really starting to wonder about Shelly now. Ever since she didn’t call when she said she was gonna call the week my folks were here about airfare, something’s been nagging at me. A feeling that perhaps something’s wrong with her or close to her. Or maybe I’ve brought back bad memories for her that she can’t deal with. She and I knew each other during a horrible time in our lives. Then yesterday, I called her at 10:30 AM our time and she said she was just stepping out to get her son’s hair cut and that she’d call back in a little bit. Well, she never called. I know that being a mom means having no life and no time for anything. However, she couldn’t have squeezed in two minutes to call to tell me she was busy? She never found the time, in the midst of her motherhood, to send me those pictures she said she was gonna send and a quick note. I never expected her to write as I do. I mean, I know no mother can write a 32nd of the amount I do, etc., but something’s definitely up. If I’m right, and if she’s really got a problem that’s got to do with me - I wonder - how long’s she gonna keep it a secret? When is she gonna come out and say so? Or will she just continue to never call me or send me any mail, all the while just accepting my letters and telling me she’s on her way out the door if I call? I know being a mother means only having 5 minutes of free time in a whole day, but if it means not even having one minute of free time in a whole day, then maybe I better be thankful that having a kid will always be just a dream. That is if that’s the case with her. And what would Andy have done if I had been able to have a child? He’d really feel neglected, abandoned, cut off, and just plain old dumped by his best friend.

Now, about next month’s bullshit pregnancy date - first I must say that I’ve really come to prefer it when he cums at the wrong times. Both physically and mentally I feel a million times better. I love it! And yes, I think I really can get used to this and simply dreaming and imagining life with a child.

Tom, I’m going to get my way with this cumming issue and your next month’s BS isn’t gonna hurt me! And God? I do have some rights/control over my own body!

Anyway, I told Tom to make up his own mind about what he wants to do and not to bother telling me. That way, we can avoid any more mid-cycle fights. I’ve always believed (regardless of how much God may or may not interfere) that if and when Tom wants to screw more, cum more, and really do something to say we’ve tried our best to make a kid and use all our options here at home to make one, he will. No problem. So, I told him on AOL that if he decided he’s ready and gung-ho to do what he can to make the kid next month as he said he was, to just do it. And also, that if he decides he’s not ready to, isn’t in the mood, etc., to just not do it and I’ll assume that he had the very best and most sincere reasons for his decision and that he felt he was doing the right thing.

I’m sure that when the time comes, God and he will aid us in a fight and also aid him in not getting in there. If he does get in there, I’m sure he’ll say he tried to get off, but just couldn’t, cuz he’d rather not say he’s not as ready for a kid and that he’s not interested in one as bad as I am. And of course, if he does cum, we’ll miss it by a day or two.

After nearly 11 months of him cumming so little, it’s way, way obvious that he’s not only not as interested or as ready for one, but that he still is pretty damn hung up on my waiting on him and his instilling patience in me and he still gets off on hearing me beg for more sex. I just wonder - how many more years does he need to enjoy himself with this shit? I’m also back to thinking - well - I don’t know, but I wouldn’t be surprised if everything was planned; the not cumming for the first couple of years, and now this for the last year. But yes, he did accept the fact that a kid could’ve resulted over the last year when we were close to the right time, and yes, he’d have been OK with it, or else he wouldn’t have risked cumming at all. Still, why couldn’t he have said that he wanted to use birth control at first and let me know when he still wasn’t really ready at all? Were his games and telling me what I wanted to hear really worth not getting any release?

Well, the fact of the matter is - there’s still God. No matter what we do or when we do it - God owns this body and I don’t have the right to choose to bear life with it.

THURSDAY, MAY 22, 1997 I feel so much better now that I’ve caught up on my sleep. I slept for a good 9-10 hours.

I sent letters to Shelly, Kim, Bob, Larry and my folks and told them all about our trip and how I lost at first, then broke even where the casino basically paid for me to gamble, and then won. I left out how I was carded twice.

I forgot to mention how Bunny went swimming a few days ago and yes, he swims just fine. Even better than Piggy, in a sense, cuz he can get out and Piggy can’t. I put Bunny into the water about a few feet from the stairs and he swam to the top step, then hopped out from there.

Upon coming home, there was a nice treat waiting for me from that address label company I use. Due to how much I’ve bought from them, I’m now a preferred customer and can get quicker service, a 10% discount and they sent me 10 different labels. Some were pictures and some were drawings and they consisted of two Snoopy ones, unlike the ones I’ve got. A smiley face, horses, a pretty teacup, golf balls with faces, a country scene, a teddy bear reading a book, an American flag, and a birthday cake that says Happy Birthday on it. That’ll go on my mom’s birthday card. These labels only had my name on them, though, cuz the catalog is in just my name.

Later…

I can’t believe this husband of mine when it comes to sex and a kid! I went to apologize to him for going off on him about something earlier, then I fibbed a bit. I said I was sorry that I “forced” him into agreeing about next month and making the baby then and all that bullshit. Well, I didn’t force him into this agreement and he should’ve said so, but I think that that’s his way of getting out of something that once again, he isn’t ready to do, but can’t help but say he is, cuz he knows how much it means to me.

Later…

Tom and I had fun earlier, which was nice, but as usual, he didn’t cum.

I also called Shelly and she was on her way out to get her kid’s hair cut. She said she’s been thinking of me and of calling me and that it’s her turn to call, so she’ll call back soon.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 21, 1997 Gambling was fun and I even came out a winner! However, trying to sleep in the hotel room, especially when I was trying to sleep, was a nightmare, but I’ll write all about the trip when we get back and settled in.

Later…

Changed my mind and decided I’d write some more during this incredibly long and boring trip. At least the scenery’s beautiful. There are all different kinds of cacti. Soap Yuccas, Ocotillo, Saguaros, Prickly Pears, etc.

OK, I shall try my best, as legibly as I can, to update now.

We stopped at McDonald’s in Kingman for a bite to eat, then arrived in Laughlin close to 10 AM.

I bought Ma a cute kitchen magnet with an Indian design, feathers and beads, as a way of saying thanks for financing our trip. She was very generous and gave us a few hundred dollars.

I didn’t buy myself anything, but I gave Tom extra gambling money and paid for the gas and some malt balls for him on our way back.

It’s nice to say that I’m returning home with $150 and now I no longer have to worry about buying something for Tom’s birthday and for him for our anniversary. I know he’d be satisfied enough if I were to make him something or draw something for him, but I can do that for him anytime. I can’t always buy him stuff, though.

I may get him shorts, socks, a bathing suit or more boxers. That way he’d have 9 pairs of boxers, instead of 6. Any money left over, I’ll spend on myself. I have enough journals for a while, so who knows what I’ll get?

I think I’ll break for more of the munchies we got before we left Phoenix.

Later…

I wish it were cloudy and overcast out there now since I forgot to take sunglasses.

Actually, I did buy myself something. A lighter with a pretty cactus on it.

There are lots of Joshua trees right now where we’re driving. We should hit Wickenburg in about 20 minutes, so we can pee and get some fries or something.

Anyway, we tried a casino first that I think was the Gold River and I instantly had a bum luck vibe in there. Sure enough, I lost about $40 there, but Tom broke even.

Then we went to the Pioneer casino where I began to hold my own, too.

Then we settled at the Ramada Express and got a room there at 11:30 AM. It was an ugly room with a king-size bed on the 14th floor (really the 13th floor). I had the best luck gambling at this place, though, hitting all 7s 4 different times, and I also won $80 and $125 too, along the way. I’d constantly hit 40 quarters and 160, 80, 15, etc.

Later…

Less than an hour to go! I’m sick of being on the road!

So, besides gambling yesterday, we ate at a Denny’s-like place. I got a delicious T-bone steak and he got a hamburger.

It was about 3 PM when I first tried to go to sleep and oh my God! People were slamming and banging their doors and I’ll never again sleep in a hotel unless my schedule’s such that I’m sleeping at night. I ended up being up for a good 20 hours, only to wake up a few times when he’d snore or move our blanket. I finally got up just after 1 AM and he did, too.

The bed wasn’t as hard at this hotel, but they’re all still much harder than I like.

We were too tired to do any screwing after only 3-5 hours of sleep, but we will after we’ve caught up on our sleep at home.

The thermostat in the room was fucked up. You either had to have the room freezing or heated.

So I lost at the Gold River and broke even at the Ramada before trying to sleep but now I’d win and be compensated for the lack of sleep.

Prior to gambling and winning in the wee hours of the morning, we stopped back at that restaurant. He got another hamburger and I got beef skewers.

There, I also got my much-needed coffee, since I could not get the water hot enough for it in the hotel room.

There wasn’t any stationery in the room, so I’ll tell everyone about our trip in the usual letters that I send.

I still haven’t heard from Shelly, so if I haven’t heard from her by early next week, I’ll call her and see what’s up. Maybe she tried calling while we were gone, and I can only imagine how many times Andy’s called!

I hope all’s OK with the animals. They must be pretty hungry and I’m looking forward to seeing Bunny, Piggy, Gizzy and the birds, too.

Well, you could say this is the most I’ve ever written while on vacation.

TUESDAY, MAY 20, 1997 Tom’s in the shower now and soon we’ll be on the road. I’m not looking forward to a grueling 4 hours on the road and another 4 tomorrow. I am looking forward to gambling again, though! I will save any more I may write for when I’m on the road.

Later…

Here I am checking in from the road. It’s still not very light for writing. Yeah, I know, my handwriting’s a nightmare.

We’re still in the city, but we should be out in nowhere land soon enough.

Later…

We’re almost out in the middle of nowhere, but we had a detour. The road was blocked due to an accident.

The land is flat on both sides of us, then off in the distance, there are mountains galore.

Later…

We’re on a very rough road right now.

I sang Tom a few songs and now I’m gonna read my library book.

MONDAY, MAY 19, 1997 I just randomly chose this guy on AOL that was in a chat room to send instant messages to. I said a bunch of my weird shit, then printed it out for Andy. He ought to get a kick out of it and I’m sure he’ll want to bug someone with me sometime.

I wish it were 4:00 in the morning right now. I’m so psyched up for that time, cuz Tom and I are going to a casino that’s on the edge of city limits on an Indian reservation to gamble. Can’t wait! Then in a day or two, we may go to Laughlin.

I slept fine last night. Not as late as I’d have liked to, but no stereos woke me up.

I just cannot wear earrings anymore. I tried again, but all they do is make my earlobes itch. Not even anti-itch cream helped, but I’m not about to ditch all my earrings. They’re too nice.

Again, his not cumming at the times I’m eligible for a miscarriage, really takes the stress off of me. I don’t have nearly as much of a bummed out and hopeless feeling, whereas the more he cums around that time, the more I’m sure that God’s making us miss it so I don’t have to suffer losing it, which I couldn’t handle. So why doesn’t he just let us hit it and have the baby? Obviously, cuz he feels I couldn’t handle that either. Or that I don’t deserve it.

His plan for me works out well, though, cuz I’m really looking forward to gambling. Something that’s pretty hard to do with a kid in tow. You can’t take kids into the casino, either. That’d mean we couldn’t gamble together and that one of us would have to watch the kid in the hotel room, while the other gambled. Yes, it’d be worth it. Well worth it. But fate is fate and a child isn’t a part of my fate. It isn’t a part of our fate.

Later…

Well, we lost. We went to Harrah’s, and although the casino was small, we had fun. It took about an hour to get there and it wasn’t crowded at all. There were mostly older people in there.

Either tomorrow morning or the next morning, we’ll be going to Laughlin.

I just called Mom and Dad and told them all about this morning. When Mom got off the phone, I asked Dad if I looked chubby, since he hasn’t seen me in so long and since I knew he’d be honest. He said no. I was shocked. I really thought he’d at least say, “Well, a little.”

Anyway, they wished us luck in Laughlin.

SUNDAY, MAY 18, 1997 Well, now it’s officially car stereo day. I hope to hell, since I’ll be sleeping from around late morning to early evening, that no stereos wake me up.

It’s gorgeous out there right now. A little warm and windy, but the wind chimes sound so pretty. I saw lightning, so I wonder if it’ll storm. I doubt it will, and it was probably just heat lightning.

Tom explained some things to me to give me a better understanding of a couple of things he’d said. I had thought he said that we didn’t have a choice about either getting me pregnant next month or soon enough, but he was saying that in order to get me pregnant in the first place, we had no choice but to screw. The truth is, that in order to dodge me getting a miscarriage, God and he must keep the screwing and cumming down and mostly God, has to watch what days he cums.

He also said that she wasn’t the one that filed for divorce. They both did together and no, he wasn’t miserable about the divorce, cuz he was miserable being with her, cuz she was crazy. I should’ve already written about this, but she was a schizophrenic who was raped by her brother (he didn’t know she was crazy when they got married), and I guess she got more and more out of it and one night, he said he found her standing over him in bed, holding a knife, while thinking he was the brother. So, the divorce was basically cuz he was miserable and cuz she decided she wanted to experience life on her own. They were married for about two years and I think he was somewhere between 18-20 when they first got married. She’s one of the ones he said he never had problems cumming with and they used rubbers.

Tom introduced me to something really cool yesterday that I wish I knew of a long time ago. In my ‘whatever’ file on the computer, I had phone numbers and addresses, bookmark names I use to mark my spot in the journal files I’m slowly proofreading, text colors I use, and an inventory of my CDs and tapes. Well, the thing he showed me is called Cardfile and it’s to electronically replace a Rolodex of index cards that a lot of offices have. I also made a group of cards with each journal file’s general info. Like what journal numbers are in which group, the ages I was in that group, where I lived, and the dates that group ends and starts.

Tom told me that he’s heard that the average married woman’s complaint is that there’s not enough sex. That’s news to me. I thought I heard that the average woman’s complaint, married or not, was that the guy’s either too horny, too violent, or both.

Then I asked him how most women, including us, worked this out (those that say they aren’t getting enough sex), and he said, by compromising. Wait a minute now. I thought he too, wanted more sex. Therefore, if two people want the same thing, then you don’t have to compromise on anything, right?

I caught him in his bullshit about my getting pregnant next month too, whether or not he knows it. We cleaned my stereo and got a hair out that was real close to wrapping itself around the motor again. He said that about once a month, I should clean the lens. I said I’d do it during each period, so I don’t have to mark it down on a calendar and try to remember how long it’s been since I did it last and he said OK. He knows I’ll be getting my periods.

SATURDAY, MAY 17, 1997 Well, it’s been a quiet weekend (that I know of since I slept most of the day), and you know who hasn’t been next door.

If I was seeing right, the net’s untangled again. I couldn’t tell for sure since I can only see it from odd angles unless I walk right up to it.

Tom asked for fun yesterday morning and my weak spot said yes. I told him, though, that instead of making sure his angle is off so he can’t get in there if he doesn’t want sex, to just say so from now on. However, he got right in there, God didn’t interfere, but I was surprised he didn’t cum. I really thought he was going to and that God would have no problem with that at this time. I’m out of the miscarriage zone. He said he didn’t for 3 reasons basically and that’s that it was too warm in there, he was too aroused, and cuz it’s been a while since we’ve screwed. Now that’s where I’m different. He says that when he’s too aroused he can’t get off. Weird. The more I’m aroused, the more I need to and do get off. He also says that the more he screws, the more he cums. Well then knowing that, and knowing he’s supposed to want a kid, why doesn’t he screw more?

Once again, though, we both swore we wanted more sex, but I know that’s not gonna happen and when it does, it’ll only be for about a week. I also know that the pregnancy he says is gonna occur next month is bullshit. He just picks the wrong subjects to joke about.

Nonetheless, yesterday was a much better day than the two days before it and we got along much better, too.

In the midst of his second job at his mom’s, we went to the library and I got part 3 of the Blackstone Chronicles. So, I’ll be halfway through the series after I read this.

FRIDAY, MAY 16, 1997 Well, now he’s on vacation, but I was a week early when I said that this weekend was Memorial Day weekend. It’s next weekend.

How am I gonna brush him off for sex tonight when he gets up? I mean, I know that the right thing to do and the best thing to do would be to refuse any propositions, but we all have our weak spots. My heart wins over my head sometimes and it may be hard to say no. I’ll just have to think of and remind myself of the consequences and the problems that sex brings, I guess, and try my best. Hopefully, he’ll just plop himself down in front of the TV all night and won’t initiate sex.

You bet your ass that next month, next time I’m in the “miscarriage zone,” I’m gonna stay the hell away from him cuz that way there can’t be any fights about how he said that I was gonna get pregnant next month. When I’m in danger of a miscarriage also, I’m not gonna do anything foolish and if we just don’t have sex then, I can’t feel hurt and angry that he lied yet again, for the hundredth time, about my getting pregnant.

I’d like to know what he meant when he said we didn’t have a choice about my getting pregnant next month. Or was it real soon that he said? I had said something about us waiting till I was closer to 40 cuz I didn’t think he’d have the time for a kid cuz of all the work he does for his mother, among other things he does, and he said something about there being no choice. That doesn’t make sense. Back when I had first said that if we didn’t want kids, we’d have them cuz that’s how God works, he had said, “Not me. If I didn’t want kids, I wouldn’t have them and I’d use protection.”

I had asked him if he wanted me to leave if I’m so hard to talk to and cuz of our sex lives and he said no and that he felt that my leaving would be a huge mistake and make our lives miserable. I always knew that if I were suddenly without him, despite how much we argue and despite how the sex is or isn’t, I’d be miserable. But him? How would he be miserable? He didn’t really answer, cuz he said the answer was complicated. Guess I was too stupid to get it, huh?

I wonder, though, did he feel that way about his first wife? I know he told me she filed for the divorce and why, but did one of them or both of them feel it’d make their lives miserable?

I asked him over AOL and he said he’d answer in person, remind him Saturday afternoon. Why then and not tonight? Does he have to have time to think of the answers? Or is it just that he loves me to wait on him so much?

I made that wonderful dessert Ma taught me to make, but I forgot to chop the walnuts. Oh well. Anyway, what you do is put pistachio pudding mix in a bowl and throw in a can of crushed pineapple. Then you add some mini marshmallows, cool whip, whole/pitted cherries, and chopped walnuts. You mix this all up and it’s ready to eat.

THURSDAY, MAY 15, 1997 Last night was a really shitty night. He ended up getting up at 5:30, instead of 9:30. I’m so sick of both him accusing me of arguing when all I’m really doing is expressing my feelings and I’m also so sick of this sex shit. It’s like, I can’t even express my fears, worries or doubts without him getting impatient, frustrated, or called negative and being told I cut him down and it’s the same old shit with sex. He says he’s just the way he is, but all the while he still makes it sound like I’m too bad to have sex with and like there’s never the opportunity. He keeps saying he wants more sex and a kid and that I shouldn’t give up, but how does he expect me to feel? It’s been the same old shit for too long now and I’m tired of his games, too. If he’s got so many problems with me that don’t allow him to have the kind of sex he says he wants, maybe he’s having sex with the wrong person. We’re just not compatible in bed and we’re just not able to communicate. I know I may not always use the proper words when I talk, but I’m tired of being misinterpreted and of the complications sex brings.

We’ll never have a child on our own or by a doctor, sex is either the same old shit or non-existent, so why do we bother? I mean, I love this man to death, but as I said, our sex lives will never change and we’ll obviously never be able to have a conversation without it ending up in an argument.

He went through this new list of jobs he’s gonna do for his mother (why doesn’t she have him just tear down her whole house and just start over?). Then he said that she’d finance a trip for us during his vacation. That’s really sweet of her, but then all I meant to do was express my concern about him having enough time if we had been able to have a child and he took it all wrong.

I’m just getting more and more frustrated and even angry. And each time I say I’m gonna hang up our sex lives, I feel it’s getting easier to do and closer to the day where I really will do that. The bulk of our problems and arguments are due to sex and it’s got to stop. It’s got to! I feel more and more that the best way for us to get along is for me not to say anything unless it’s absolutely necessary and for me to get a vibrator. I think, though, that he’s gonna do all he can to stall me from getting one so that I won’t be tempted to turn to that to fill in what we together, can’t or don’t fill in. Maybe he feels that’d also be a threat to his games.

I still also think that this whole thing is a combination of things. Problems we really have that we don’t want to have, God, and him playing games. I still don’t buy it when he says that he wants a fuller, better sex life that’s more frequent, and a kid. I mean, he does, I’m sure, but I don’t think he’s in that much of a hurry or that he wants this as bad as I’ve been saying I did. I think he loves to play hard to get, loves to make me wait on him, etc.

No, this doesn’t mean I have any desires to leave him or to have sex occasionally with a woman, but at this point, even though I highly doubt it, I don’t know if I’d say no to a woman who hit on me that I was attracted to. Well, this could and would never happen (an attractive woman hitting on me), but I’m just tired of this, and as far as God goes, if he doesn’t want to help me or to help us and if he doesn’t care, then neither do I. He must want this for us in order for him to keep allowing us to be going through this, but I’m not gonna be a part of this never-ending cycle of bullshit anymore. We’ve tried our best to change (even if I feel I’ve tried more and harder), but nothing changed, so it’s out of my hands. I’m just losing all faith, caring and motivation. It’s just too much easier to fantasize about the impossible, so I’ll fantasize about sex with a gorgeous woman and I’ll imagine what it would’ve been like to have a kid. So, you could say that fantasy’s in, he’s out.

There’s still been no sign of Fuzzy, so I wonder if he managed to get out of the house.

I remembered to show my parents that new dress and my ear, but I forgot to show them the hole that Bunny dug up out back.

Later…

Mom and Dad called a while ago. They just got in tonight after gambling in Mississippi. Ma said they went back to Red Lobster for the pictures, but the lady had shot a blank roll and showed it to them, too.

I love this Frizz Ease stuff Ma gave me, as well as the dusty rose lipstick. It smells so good and it really does take out a lot of the frizz. I just wish my hair wasn’t so uneven. I have a 6-inch difference in some areas. The sides are up to my waist and the back is just a wee bit past the crack of my ass.

Musiclessly, a car pulled up next door and I heard 3 car doors shut. Then I peeked out a few minutes later and saw a grayish Oldsmobile. Then another few minutes later, I heard a car door, then it left. I guess that’s easily explained. Her dad, friend, or whoever the hell it was, pulled in, and the driver and she got out, she got her kid out, then the driver left.

I still wonder what’s gonna go on this Memorial Day weekend and it’s only a matter of time before the net’s workable again. I wonder if she’ll suspect or even ask me if it was me who tried locking it, but if she does, fine.

Mike hasn’t been around since last Sunday, but as I said, we’ll see what this weekend brings.

Once again, I’m surprised to not find things I’d think I would’ve definitely written about. I searched the Oswego St. journals and couldn’t find that incident where Mattie called the cops on me for chasing her into her apt. and pounding on her door after she yelled at me and accused me of fucking around with that low-life Hank. I’m surprised I didn’t write about that. I mean, I must have.

I attempted to make kneidlach soup (a Jewish soup), but I had way more Matzo meal for the broth, so I’ve got a different idea in mind that I’ll try out the next time around.

I’ve decided to get into that Time-Life record club legitimately. The one that has the Sounds of the '70s & '80s and that I used to steal a few CDs from here and there. Well, if they send that one I just ordered, I’ll pay for it. Then, when they send a CD each month like they say they will, I’ll record onto tape only the songs I like, then send it back. They say you have 10 days to audition each CD, but Tom had a point when he said they’ll probably stop sending CDs if I don’t buy any.

I got a few new neat games from AOL yesterday. A maze game, a number game, and several jigsaw puzzles that you can customize to however many pieces you want. You can have the puzzle be 4 - 4000 pieces, but then the pieces are microscopic when you have too many, so I usually go with around 100 pieces.

TUESDAY, MAY 13, 1997 Today, Tom’s dad would’ve been 85 if he were still alive. So, I guess it’ll be a bad day for him and Mom and for others who knew him. We all have our bad dates and our good ones. I hate April 12th, have mixed emotions about May 24th, but love June 9th and June 15th.

Anyway, I mostly got my way. I mean, we did end up screwing and he abruptly quit at one point. You could tell he didn’t want to cum. At first, I felt a twinge of disappointment, but he did the right thing. It would’ve been worse if he had cum and it was thoughtful of him to not cum and to remember what I said about his cumming at this time of the month. And he probably could’ve cum, too. I know why he stopped, but he said anyway, “That was a good startup.”

Yeah, we’re always starting up, aren’t we? Anyway, there’ll definitely be no sex tomorrow and probably not the next day, either, so the next time he cums will probably be after a few days and that’ll be fine, cuz then I’ll be out of that time zone. It’s just best if I take my periods and accept them as meant to be, rather than get all worked up over missing it by not much and not being able to carry it to full-term, anyway. And I certainly would be afraid to hit it too, since I’d just lose it. Well, I know what my fate is as far as a kid goes, and it’s obvious God doesn’t want to put me through a miscarriage (at least he spared me that much!). And I know I don’t have to help him make sure I don’t conceive, but it really takes a lot of stress off me if I just avoid mid-cycle altogether. It’s the only way I’m gonna feel better and move on.

Later…

Anyone who just saw what Bunny and I did would agree that it was so cute. Well, he’s been picking up grass for his home and as he gathers up grass, he either leaves it by the door if no one’s home or I help him. He gets a mouthful of grass, then I open the door to let him in, pick him up with it still in his mouth as he puts it in his cage. Then I wait for him to arrange it to his taste within his cage, then he stands up to be picked up and to be put outside for another mouthful of grass. We shot a few pictures of him with it in his mouth and I’ll have to send a copy to my folks, as well as the pictures we took of them here. I agree with Tom, though, we should’ve taken more pictures.

Tom said to wake him up at 9:30 so we can have extra time together. Well, that’s only an hour earlier, so I don’t have to worry about us screwing and please God, if we’re gonna screw, please let him hit it right if he cums, or have him just not cum at all. And please, don’t take it away, should anything be planted in me. Yeah, I know. I’m being ridiculous. I have nothing to worry about as far as anything being planted in there goes. So, I certainly don’t have to worry about losing something that won’t be allowed in there in the first place. Still, I’d rather him not cum or cum at the wrong times, unless he decided to cum more often. I know from 2½ years of experience that his not cumming wouldn’t bother him or make him feel deprived, or else I wouldn’t suggest that.

On the other hand, something does want us to miss it, so I guess that no matter when he cums, I need not worry about a miscarriage. This thing up in the sky is obviously protecting me from miscarriage and seeing that I don’t have one, cuz it too, obviously knows I couldn’t handle that.

I took down the chicken wire and the flowers that were in the archway. I put the flowers that were there in that tall wicker basket that Jeff gave me at the Vista, then put those flower vines up from Mom and Dad. It looks great. Much better than what was there before.

I also got this hairspray called Frizz Ease from them and it smells so good.

What is it about my parents and constipation? It seems that when I’m around them, I can’t shit. I couldn’t shit the two times I was in Florida to see them and I couldn’t while they were here. It’s scary to think of them coming here or me going there for a whole month. Then what would happen?

We never did get to show them PV. I forgot and I guess they did, too. Same goes for miniature golfing at Castles & Coasters, but that’s fine. It’s too hot for that now, anyway.

MONDAY, MAY 12, 1997 As I said, I knew there’d be a price to pay for seeing my folks, but I’m not gonna give in to it and God’s ways with me. Those fucking assholes at Cigna just called and now they’re saying they could read that last PAP and that I’ve got Atypia (non-typical cells) after I got a call a week or so ago saying it was too bloody to be read. Big fucking deal. We’ve all got a few weird cells. I’ve really had it with these quacks that can’t read paps and that say one thing, then another. Is this it now? Is this where God attacks my plumbing so I need a hysterectomy? Well, he can do it cuz except for my ear appointments, my asthma appointments, and my dental cleanings, I’ll never go to another doctor again. And that includes anything for infertility. I’m not working for a child. I’m not paying for a child. I’m not paying to see my folks and God can do whatever he wants to me, even if it means killing me. Tammy just said this is common and that she’s had to repeat paps and she’s had false-positive paps, etc. Yeah well, I ain’t gonna deal with it. I’m done dealing with medical and sexual problems and abnormalities.

Later…

Another funny thing was that after I showed Mom and Dad how I twist my hair up into a bun, Dad said to Ma, “Now you try that.”

Ma’s hair looked the best I’ve ever seen it. It looks much better auburn, straight, and one length than it did brown with curly layers.

At Denny’s, I was asking Dad what CDs they got and he mentioned Melissa Ethridge and K.D. Lang. Does he know they’re gay? That’s when I told him the joke about the missing gay tennis player that they found face down on Ricki Lake. And how both Michael Jackson and J.C. Penny have little boys’ pants half off.

No freeloader driving up at all since he left at 9:00 last night. Now all I have to do is hope he doesn’t return today or tonight, cuz that’d be a sure sign that he’s working his way back into that house.

Later…

I guess I do get some things my way. I’m around mid-cycle and he doesn’t look like he’s gonna be touching me anytime soon and that’s fine with me. I don’t want to go through the emotional roller coaster that comes with us missing it by a day or so and I don’t want problems with sex. I don’t know, though, that his cumming more often would mean I’d feel comfortable screwing during mid-cycle, either. Not when I know that getting pregnant would just mean losing it.

I called in for an 80s CD under a bogus name last night, but don’t know if they’ll send it. I like some of the stuff during the early 80s.

I also forgot to say that I gave Ma a couple of the collector’s plates I stole. She didn’t want to take the second one she liked, but I made her have it and I wanted her to have it. I gave Dad a bolo tie I had made a while back, too.

So far, this year is a copycat of 1992. It started off shitty, then by May it improved. Maybe my parents’ visit was one of the good feelings I had about 1997. Now, all I have to do is hope that if the rest of the year isn’t great, it’s not bad.

I should never have told Tom about Cigna’s call. He got all insensitive about how upset I was about their telling me one thing, then another, and I don’t like being told how I should feel. Next time, I shall keep my business to myself. The woman there said to come back in 3 months to make sure the cells aren’t more abnormal, but of course, I’m not gonna bother. If God wants to get me, the doctors could never stop him and if something’s gonna go wrong with me, it’s gonna go wrong whether I’m here at home or in a doctor’s office. I know there are people who’d argue that and say that maybe a doctor could help me if something went wrong, but I don’t need any help or hassles.

There was a little girl playing basketball that day that I asked the kids to leave about 2-3 weeks ago (it turns out she lives where those damn dogs live) and Tom said that about an hour ago, he saw her talking with the woman next door. I’m shocked. I didn’t think she had it in her to be neighborly. I didn’t think any of them over there did. They’ve never seemed very friendly. Especially her. Maybe it was only cuz it was a child.

SUNDAY, MAY 11, 1997 Due to all the excitement going on around here, I’ve been beat, but now I think I have enough energy to write.

First - the visit went great! Best visit ever! And I’ve never seen them so relaxed and happy and they looked very healthy. They were also much more affectionate towards each other than I’ve ever seen and it shocks the shit out of me to say this, but there wasn’t the tension I thought there’d be and no, they didn’t cut me down or embarrass me in front of Tom or without him around. We teased each other a lot but in a lighthearted, fun-loving kind of way.

However, I’m first gonna go through all the stuff that’s not related to the visit.

The freeloader’s back. Believe it or not, it wasn’t me who noticed, either, but Tom told me he’s been around for the last few days and that he hasn’t played his music coming and going. Naturally, all that stress that took me months to shed is right back on me again. It’s a hell of a time of year for him to come back, too. No wonder I didn’t see a new rap-blasting boyfriend over there. They obviously never broke up; he just hadn’t been around for a while. Now, I don’t know if this is just a seasonal thing, or if he’s back to stay all the time, or if he was just here over the weekend and for Mother’s Day, but I’d say that if he were here a few days in a row, the stupid fuck’s back to stay. There’s no car there now, so if he doesn’t come back tonight, that may be a good sign. That may very well mean it was just cuz of Mother’s Day and that he was visiting the kid and her through this Mother’s Day weekend. If he’s back to stay, though, and if I hear that music played too loud, I swear I’ll be that freeloader’s worst nightmare. There’s no way I’ll put up with his bullshit 2-4 times a day and have to deal with their fucking summer parties and him jumping in his car to blast off when we have power failures when the monsoons hit. No way! Oh, and his current vehicle of choice is a maroon car. Of course, being the car dealer that I know he is, it’s got to have a killer stereo in it, too. That’s pretty much how all cars are made now and I’d love to kill the fucking male that invented this new kind of bass that fucking rocks the whole neighborhood!

I knew, though, that there’d be a price to pay for this visit. God’s gonna compensate me for it and make me pay for it, just like I have to pay for everything.

Naturally, Tom had to get all hot and bothered when I said I’d take care of him next door if he were to be a problem. What is it with him and neighbors? Why is it that he gets so riled up if I speak out against neighbors? He said he was just trying to give me the good news, cuz this will keep the kids away as the house won’t look so deserted. Well, I’d rather bouncing balls and kids yelling, cuz although that goes on for hours, they can’t wake me up. The bass could, and if he’s back to stay, he won’t stay quiet for long. He’ll be up to his same old shit soon enough. Also, if the kids really wanted to play ball, or if kids did that knew the freeloaders, all they’d have to do was ask one of the adults to untangle the net so they could play.

And of course, he had to go and ruin sex, too, cuz he wasn’t in the mood and just couldn’t come out and say so. As soon as I started on his very limp and not-in-the-mood dick, he had to bring up the fact that we can’t make it to California, among other things. Yeah, there’s almost always a problem with sex, isn’t there? And he’s on vacation next week and then the week after that there’s a 3-day weekend, so I’ll have to have more time with him. I really want a vibrator, cuz I’m sick of the problems with sex. His appetite doesn’t match mine, there’s always a problem, and there’s no way I can depend on him for sex. His appetite’s just too low for that and there are just too many damn problems. The kid just isn’t worth it. And Tom’s saying I’ll be pregnant after my next period is bullshit and I’m sure we both know that. He says that just like I never thought I’d see my folks again and I did, I will be pregnant someday. Right! We’ve never had a normal and full-time sex life and we never will and we’ll never have a kid, either.

Chicken pigeon’s also back. I couldn’t believe it, but he showed up the second day that my folks were here.

I think that’s it, as far as non-visit stuff is concerned, but of course, I’ll remember more things along the way. Also, what I write about the visit may not be it, cuz I’m sure that with that, too, I’ll remember more over the next few weeks or so.

Tom was great as far as handling the visit with my folks. He was very understanding, adaptable, and there wasn’t a jealous bone in his body, so that’s great. As I said, it’s something about Kim, but anyone else is OK.

Mom and Dad got here Thursday morning and they left real early this morning and are probably in Texas now. They were in Mississippi for their first night, Texas for their second night, and New Mexico for their last night.

All through their visit, I was constipated. It fucking figures. I was at 110 yesterday and right after we said our goodbyes, I started to shit again and am now 107.

OK, now I’ll try to go in order of events.

They came while he was asleep at around 3 PM on Thursday. When the doorbell rang, I was like, oh my God! This is it!

I opened the door, and there was my daddy! We hugged and kissed, and then I ran to Ma, who was just getting out of the car. We had a long hug and some kisses, and then we unloaded their car (which was a very nice, comfy, roomy car).

Later…

Larry just called. He wanted to know if Mom and Dad were here so he could wish Ma a happy Mother’s Day. Tammy left a message earlier about that, too. Anyway, I told both Tammy and Larry that the visit went well and I’ve got letters on their way to Larry, Kim, and Bob, and a welcome back letter for my folks.

Larry still sounds really bummed and said that with it being Mother’s Day, it was a bad day.

Anyway, Mom and Dad brought so much stuff! They had to have spent thousands on us with the stuff they brought and bought while they were here! It’d be impossible for me to list every little thing they brought, but I’ll cover the bulk of it.

A nice, yet shocking and unexpected thing they brought with them was a card from Marty and Ruth and candleholders with candles. The card said that they wished us a happy visit and much happiness. I got them a thank you card and that’s going out tomorrow, too.

Here’s some of the stuff they brought us and an explanation of some of the stuff, too. They got me 4 pairs of shorts/shirt sets, a bra, a sweater, and a nice pair of pink canvas shoes. I hate sweaters, though, so that’ll probably go to Laura.

The freeloader’s back, but I only knew so by the car door shutting. So, he’s not ready to blast off yet, huh? Anyway, yes, they’ve reconciled. He’s definitely back for good. In fact, they probably never broke up but just didn’t get along too well for a while. It really sucks, though, to know he’s living there again cuz now I’m all stressed out. Don’t be, I tell myself, cuz I’ll just set him straight for good if he blasts off. That’s all I have to do. There’s no need to feel this way. Relax! And God? I’m not gonna pay for my parents’ visit. I shouldn’t have to and I don’t “owe” anyone anything for seeing my own family.

OK, enough of the shit freeloader and onto what they brought us. They also brought Tom a couple of pairs of shorts and several T-shirts. Also, flags, a wind chime, and a jewelry box with tons of stuff in it. Everything from lotion to bath and shower stuff to hair stuff and perfume. There were also some really nice watches, rings, necklaces, bracelets and cosmetics. One of the rings and one of the bracelets they brought were gorgeous with diamond chips. There were also holders for toothbrushes and soap. One of the lipsticks (dusty rose) was the perfect shade I’ve been looking for for ages. There was also hair stuff and just so much in the way of makeup and beauty supplies.

Yes, there were a few things I didn’t want, like a couple of pairs of old scissors, some little baskets, and some pens. The pens will go to Ma. We didn’t need it, but she brought some luggage, too.

They brought a cute little holder for spare rolls of T-paper for the bathroom and a funny roll of T-paper with wrapping that said, “Generic toilet paper for cheap assholes.”

There was a framed picture of a moon and other little designs on it, which I put over my bed. A bunch of cute little figurines that I put in both bedrooms and the living room. A couple of cute teddy bears, a glass heart-shaped dish, the carved rabbit that Larry may or may not have done, a big piggy bank, a little bottle with a shell in it, tablecloths, and a few kitchen decorations. A glass jar of pasta and a basket with fake fruits and veggies.

They also gave us a couple of pillows which will be great for the couch. That way we won’t have to keep dragging our pillows out from our beds.

There were 3 signs with cartoon characters that you drive their stakes into the ground to make cute lawn decorations, and some long silk flowers, which I’m going to use to redo and put over the doorway that separates the kitchen and back room. A few of the flowers fell out and I put them in these two tiny hand-painted flowerpots that they sent about a year ago.

We got a gorgeous waterfall for our anniversary. It’s a castle with trails for the water to cascade down, two pool rafts, a banana holder, Tupperware, a big matching bowl and platter with flowers and fruit on it, a little index card booklet with some recipes, and a little design you hang that’s got a fish and some flowers onto a big thick rope-like thing. They also got one of these flower hangers for Ma and a juice cup and a couple of little stuffed animals for Parker and Nickolena, which was very nice of them.

Later…

Yippee yahoo! Blackie man left without a sound. Maybe 2 or 3 of them left, cuz I thought I heard 2 or 3 doors shut. Please, God! Don’t let him return tonight. Let him just be here very occasionally. Please! Please let there continue to be weeks when he’s not here!

Anyway, they were here for about an hour when I got Tom up. Tom and my folks were so happy to finally meet. They were impressed with Tom, just like I knew they’d be. And Tom was impressed with them and was glad to see us get along so well.

So, that first day, we talked and yes, they let me show them my drawings and pictures from photo albums and my favorite journal covers. It turns out that Ma has the same journal as one of my journals. Her friend Teresa, Gene’s wife, got that for her for the trip.

They said they enjoyed the trip much more than they thought they would, cuz the scenery was so beautiful. Especially through Texas. They say they’ll do the trip again and that they also still want us to go see them in Florida.

We took some pictures with both our cameras (Ma thought it was so cute how I’d sit next to Tom in his chair). Speaking of pictures, she says she’s gonna send Larry, Tammy and I old pictures. That’ll be nice, but she says not to expect them right away.

She says Goldie, Al, Boo, Max, Charlotte and Jim say hi and this is shocking, but now Lori’s married too, and she says they both have kids. I didn’t think Lori would ever marry, but Dad said he didn’t think I’d ever marry just like I didn’t think I ever would.

Anyway, Tom and I are the only ones on both sides of the family with no kids. Everyone has kids but us.

I read Tom the funny T-paper wrapper and as I stuck up my middle finger, which the diamond ring was on, I said to Tom, “Now if I get mad at you, I can really show you in style,” and my parents and he giggled at that.

Dad said something quickly about the reason why Marty and Ruth hadn’t called is cuz he told them not to bother. Whatever. But their gift was nice. I really didn’t expect it; that’s for sure.

At 5 PM our time, we jumped onto AOL to harass Tammy. Ma did the typing and to my surprise, her typing sucked. She used to be really good. In fact, she’s the one who taught me how to type. She and Tammy both can’t spell, but they enjoyed themselves (basically teased each other), and this time they said they liked me better than her and I even printed out the conversation, which they thought was neat. I guess it depends on where they are. If they were in CT, they’d like her better than me.

Then Tom showed them more stuff about AOL, then we went to Denny’s for dinner. There, I got a tough steak but enjoyed myself nonetheless.

Yes, Mom and I did discuss kids, but it was a quick and nice chat we had. She just said that we don’t have to hurry and that there doesn’t have to be any kids. Well, of course. But I told her we would like just one and that I didn’t think it was fated to be, but Tom does and says to just wait and see. And also, we’ll live our lives whether or not we have a kid and do whatever we can do. Ma says you can’t just up and go with kids. As Tom said, we can’t always just up and go with the two of us, cuz things take time, planning and money. In fact, there’s no way we can make it to California and it’s obviously not cuz of a kid. It’s cuz we just don’t have the money to do the trip the way we want to, so we’ll do an in-state trip during his vacation. A kid didn’t stop us from going to see them last May, either. Lastly, I told her that our top priorities were a kid and a new house and that we’d give up anything but each other for these goals. I think I also did tell her that our insurance covers the bulk of in-vitro, in case we ever need that and we hope not. It really wouldn’t be fair to watch 15-year-olds and crack addicts get kids for free, while we had to take out a loan and pay thousands for one.

Ma also said that if she were starting all over again, she’d either have no kids or just one kid, but that that didn’t mean choosing between the 3 she’s got. I should’ve told her she’d choose me if she had to choose, but I didn’t think of it at the time. I think just one is great cuz one is enough and that way you don’t have to worry about siblings fighting so much (God, I should know!). And not giving them equal attention (I know what that’s like, too!).

I told them how Andy was doing and that I still keep in touch with Kim and a few others. Ma asked how Andy’s dad was doing and if Marla was still big and heavy. I said, of course, she’s had two kids. Ma then said, “What’s that got to do with it? I’ve had three.” Well, that goes with the territory, and having kids and being a mom means being a bit meaty.

So, if I’m remembering correctly, after Denny’s, it was off to their motel, which is right next to Denny’s and I think that’s when they gave us a cute little silverware set. They didn’t bring the silverware with the pink handles, but I told her she could send it if she liked. This one, though, hangs on a rack and it’s got 6 knives, 6 forks, 6 teaspoons and 6 tablespoons. It is quite flimsy, though, but the spoons are fine for stirring coffee.

On day 2, we drove over to their motel and in both cars, we went to Target where I used my money for a nice, colorful, striped bikini. What they bought for me was a super nice sleeveless tie-dye shirt, a big oval roasting pot, a big green bowl and platter and 4 green soup bowls. Boy, was I psyched for the soup bowls. The ones we have that are part of the green/white set were just too small for a can of soup. So, I gotta cross off soup bowls from our list. This is when I got the thank you card for Marty and Ruth and Ma got cards, too. I guess their friends Gene and Teresa have an anniversary coming up. The day I’ll mail out Tammy and Bill’s anniversary card.

Before I forget - that damn mouse! I still haven’t caught Fuzzy. You should’ve seen the look on Ma’s face when I told her there was a mouse running around loose. It was so funny! She thought Piggy and Bunny were cute, but as expected, she could’ve cared less to see Gizzy. When I catch that mouse, though, I’ve got an idea to keep him from escaping.

I was a bit hurt that they didn’t tell me Ma had a stroke. Dad said that they didn’t want to bother me. Bother me?! I’m their daughter. And I told Dad that I care enough and love them enough to want to know these things and that nothing they could say could bother me or burden me and that I want to help if I can and if I can’t, the least I can do and would want to do, would be to listen.

I meant it as a compliment when I told them they’ve changed. They’ve really loosened up and I think they’re easier to talk to and that they understand me better. I also think that they see that I’ve changed and can handle a lot more than I used to be able to and have stabled out. I’m still a bit hyper, but that’s my nature and who wouldn’t be wound up over seeing their folks for the first time in 5-6 years? I’m sure they also agree that admitting our past faults have helped us to move forward and get along better and the same goes for not judging each other by our past ways.

So, after Target, Dad and Tom went back to the motel to swim and chat and Ma and I went grocery shopping, then came back to the house to cook a really nice dinner of meat, potatoes, yams, and a really great and refreshing dessert. Of course, Tom didn’t dig the dessert, but he ate the main meal. Dad said to Tom, “If you don’t like it, throw it up.”

I asked Dad if he’d mind sitting in one of the hard chairs that had no cushions and he said, “That’s OK, I have a soft ass.”

Ma was right. The stuff’s easy to prepare and I’m looking forward to cooking more stuff from the recipes she wrote up for me. That was so nice of her to take the time to do this, too.

After dinner, I went for a swim, but ma chickened out of that one. Said it was too cold. Dad and Tom came out to chat with us too, and Bunny was out and about in the yard.

On our way back into the house, Ma said, “It’s been a long time since I’ve had to walk through shit,” referring to the bird duties. Yeah, I remember all the dog poop at the beach and in our yards in MA.

Mom and Dad left shortly after dinner, then returned later with a wonderful surprise for us that we really needed. A glass cooking dish that’s great for heating up leftovers, a new can opener, some new utensils, and silverware that was very solid and strong. The silverware’s got green handles and 4 pieces each of knives, big forks, little forks, big spoons and little spoons. When we get a dishwasher, this will be great for it, cuz the old set had skinny handles and would fall through the container it’d wash in.

On day 3, the final day, Tom and I went to his ma’s house to pick her up to meet with my folks at Red Lobster. Before leaving his ma’s house, though, she showed me a few little pieces of paper that Tom had written when he was in the 3rd grade and I could even recognize his handwriting! He was writing about the pros and cons of two of his brothers as well as Mary. Now there’s another of the many joys of motherhood I’d love to enjoy (yes, I know there are hardships, too). But the saving of its first pair of shoes and stuff like that would be cool and I’m sorry I have to miss it.

No, Tom’s mom didn’t go on and on about David and Evie’s kids at the restaurant. She got all the Nickolena talk out of her system prior to going to the restaurant.

Anyway, my folks were thrilled to meet his ma and ma was thrilled to meet them and was very impressed with them. They were impressed with her, too. Dinner was great and of course, I got lobster.

What was weird about it, though, was that this lady took our pictures. Tom said a lot of restaurants do that. Oh, do they? I didn’t know that. The lady said the pictures weren’t in and we didn’t wait for them. Tom thinks they really did have the pictures, but that they came out lousy. Yeah, that was probably cuz of me. I never take a decent picture, be it posed or relaxed and caught off guard. God only knows how I ended up modeling for Favors.

So, out in the parking lot, Mom and Dad gave me the detergent they used to do their laundry while here and a really pretty night light with little seashells in it. Then we dropped his mom off and went home.

Later on, Mom and Dad came to say their goodbyes and for the second time, Ma did the I love you sign with me.

OK, these are the basics of the visit and if I remember more, I’ll write it up.

THURSDAY, MAY 8, 1997 This is it. This is the day they're to arrive. I'd assume that they'll call first. I think they're gonna go check into the motel before coming here. Tom went to sleep a little while ago and I'll be waking him up when they either call or show up.

It's so hard to believe that in just a handful of hours, I'll be seeing my parents.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 7, 1997 Here we go again with this fucking mailman who doesn’t know how to read. So I called and gave the case number the last woman gave me, and repeated the story to the guy that took my call this time, but I have a feeling that it’ll do me no good. The guy who took my call said they have hundreds of pieces of mail a day to read, accidents happen, but that’s no excuse. Damn right it’s no excuse and I don’t buy this “accident” shit as 2-4 pieces a month on average is too many “accidents.”

The kids haven’t tried to come back to untangle the hoop, but we’ll see.

Meanwhile, things inside and outside are looking great around here and all that really needs to be done is to finish carpeting the bathroom, clean the sinks, vents, and right now I’m doing laundry. The washer had broke, but Tom fixed it. Thank God one of us is smart.

Yesterday, I caught another mouse, but it escaped. As I was hosing down the patio, I saw it run from under the table into the garage. So, I set up the trap there, caught it, and stuck it in the aquarium part of Gizzy’s cage. They would’ve been perfectly content to just ignore each other, but when Gizzy started on his wheel, it freaked out Fuzzy, as I call him, and Fuzzy latched onto the outer part of the wheel and Gizzy spun him out. I’m surprised I haven’t caught him again yet, but I hope to hell I do. If I do, I’ll put him up top in Mary’s part of the cage. Tom’s gonna cut a piece of Plexiglas with holes in it with a U shape to go around the part of the tube that goes by the wooden box. That way no mouse could jump out of that.

I called my sister who was cussing out some icon she was trying to delete. Some cat chasing a mouse. I called our machine and let Tom listen to her swearing at it. It was pretty funny.

It was also pretty funny seeing the birds take baths under the sprinkler. They’d lift their wings up from the front row to the back row, as the sprinkler came over them. Then, as it went the other way, they’d close their wings from the back row to the front row.

Later…

Man, is it gonna be hard to go to bed tonight! I’m so excited. My parents called and they’re now just one state away! They’re in Las Cruces, New Mexico and will be here tomorrow in the late afternoon. Probably around 3 PM and at 5 PM our time, we’ll be chatting with Tammy live on the computer.

We were all teasing each other about several things and we called Tammy 3-way. They said they really have been enjoying the scenery and the mountains in Texas and then Tammy and Mom were laughing about something pertaining to Bill, but they said they’d fill me in when they get here. Then Tammy said she had to go cut her split ends and Dad said something about going bald. I told Tammy, “You talk about your hair and weight too damn much!”

Anyway, they’ll probably hit the motel first, then come here and unload the stuff they have for us. They wanted to know if we had hoses so they could hose their car down. I let them know we have plenty of hoses. Also, I have the flag raised right now so that if they get lost, they’ll spot the flag.

Well, that’s it. I very well may not write again till after they’ve left, but we’ll see.

I forgot to say earlier that I woke up at 104 pounds! Yeah, but now I’m 106 and I haven’t been able to take a dump today, but hopefully I will and hopefully I won’t soar back up to 108.

TUESDAY, MAY 6, 1997 Here’s a nice update on next door. I haven’t heard any more from over there in the way of voices or music, but at just after 4 PM yesterday, 5 little ballplayers came next door. I went out there and reminded them that trespassing was illegal but they were just coming from their front door and one of them said, “We’re asking if it’s OK,” but who knows if someone was really home?

So, my first reaction was, Oh fuck! They’re gonna come every day now and next weekend, there’ll be no peace for sure, but then the ball got stuck in the hoop. One of the biggest kids, who would be about a head shorter than me, jumped up and hit the ball out of the hoop. Then, he got down on all 4s while a smaller kid stood on his back to try to “untangle” it and get my lock out. Knowing that that lock isn’t hitched, I thought, Uh-oh! But they gave up and took off! Now all I have to do is hope they don’t get more determined to “untangle” it and come back. Kids don’t give up that easily. I hope it isn’t worth it for them to come back. What would be worse is if they went and asked them next door to see if they could untangle it.

Anyway, I let Andy know about it this morning before he went to bed. I also let him know that my folks are on their way!

Yesterday morning at 9:30 ET, I called and their friend Gene answered. He said they took off at about 6:30 ET and should probably be here on Friday, although they could get in Thursday evening. They’re coming! It’s so hard to believe! I still have a feeling too, that this is it. Our final meeting. Why I don’t know. Maybe we just won’t be able to get around to seeing each other again. Maybe they’ll die sooner than expected. Maybe something will go wrong with the visit that’ll end up cutting off all contact. Maybe we will have a kid and get rejected for it.

What’s really weird is that Gene’s dog-sitting. What kind of people do I have for parents that can persuade a man to leave his home and his wife to stay with dogs, though I assume Teresa stays with him at night, and why do these dogs need someone with them all the time? They’re just dogs, not children.

I asked Tom if he’d casually say something along the lines of there maybe being 3 of us the next time we meet, but as I fully expected, he won’t do it.

As I may have mentioned before, when it comes to my life, God has a way of making things “mesh” perfectly. I mean the timing of things that happen in my life. So, it always goes without saying that I know a child isn’t meant to be, but if I were wrong, now’s the time, I’d think, where that’d fit in better. Maybe God was just waiting till my folks could meet Tom so that maybe there wouldn’t be any hard feelings about it. It is different to hear how wonderful someone is and talk to them on the phone than it is to meet them in person. Just like how my folks felt more comfortable sending me out here after Andy had been out here for a while and after going through the shit I went through. So, maybe this kid thing was always just a matter of timing and yes, God does seem to time things pretty well when it comes to my life. The major events, anyway. If God does see fit to it to be meant to be, then he’s gonna have to make sure we hit it right, what with how little he cums. God can do that, though, and he would if he’d only let it be.

God doesn’t give me more than I can handle, though. He may come very very close, but he won’t give me something that’ll really do me in. He could also make me strong enough for anything he wants to, but will he? There’s a difference between what God can do and what he will do.

Yesterday was one of those days again, where Tom was up too high when he was lying on his side and therefore, couldn’t get it in there. I told him that there must be an extra egg coming down, but he explained to me how and why that couldn’t be. Well, it was at the end of his day, so maybe he made sure he couldn’t get in there cuz he wasn’t in the mood to screw and just didn’t feel like saying so. I did tell him too, that if he were too tired to screw, going down on me would be fine, so that’s what he ended up doing, then we crashed.

I would like to get an electric vibrator sometime, though, cuz I miss the one I had and it’s good for when he’s asleep or at work. Also, it’ll keep me off his case for more sex.

As you know, he’s made a million predictions as to when I’d get pregnant and his latest one is a month and a half from now. Oh, so I’m one period and two eggs away from a kid?! Well like I said, the timing would fit and it would seem like a logical time for God to go ahead with that, but that’d only be if it were meant to be and I still say it’s not.

Anyway, yesterday was a fun and productive day. We actually mixed work with pleasure really well and Tom made a lot of progress around here. He trimmed the tree out front and got rid of all the weeds.

More about yesterday - we took off for a while and got Tammy and Bill’s anniversary card, a Mother’s Day card for mom, and a blank card for dad, in which I told him I was sorry about Heidi.

I got a new set of highlighters, a new sketchbook, and 3 new awesome journals.

MONDAY, MAY 5, 1997 I guess my folks are leaving today.

Anyway, I never heard any basketball players during the weekend, but our heat lovers must’ve been out back for a few minutes, cuz I heard her say, “Get up off the ground,” to the kid. It didn’t sound butchy and manly enough to be her, so maybe it was her friend. Maybe that red truck dropped her off, cuz I heard someone leave from there later on. All I heard was car doors, though, but 3 times, bass blasters cruised the streets. Sundays seem to be the day for bass blasters. In fact, someone’s stereo woke me up, but at least I did go back to sleep. I highly doubt it was someone going or coming from next door, but I’ll ask Tom.

I hope to hell that over next weekend all’s quiet here. Please God, no dogs, no stereos, no ballgames, and no loudmouths next door.

Today I’ll be washing the walls around here, then by Wednesday, I’ll have all the cleaning done.

Shelly should get her pictures and letter today if she hasn’t already gotten them on Saturday. Tammy will get her pictures on the 8th.

It turns out, as I noticed last night, I got more color than I thought I did. My thighs and chest are sunburned, so I’ll stay inside today.

SUNDAY, MAY 4, 1997 Oh, fuck! I think fucking Mike’s back and his new vehicle to drive is a red pickup. On the other hand, maybe it wasn’t him. It seems I remember seeing a truck like that 3 or 4 times since they moved in and some white guy was in it. Whoever it was pulled up, then took off right after. They were only here for a minute and the music wasn’t very loud. In fact, at first I wasn’t sure what I was hearing, then I went out and looked. I never did see the driver, though, as they were leaving, cuz the hedges were in the way.

I just hope it stays as peaceful over there as it has been. She’s gonna be itching to be outdoors more, though, cuz she loves the heat. She may not have a boyfriend now, but I’m sure she’ll call her friends to come barbecue out in the heat with her at some point. I hope all is quiet here when my folks get here and that includes those fucking dogs.

Bunny’s kind of being trained to go to the door when he wants to go in. It’s pretty neat.

It’s a hot one out there today. Nearly 100º. A couple of days ago I took a dip in the spa and I did today too, as well as got me a little color.

Tom’s still doing the same old thing. Showing no desire for sex while he says he did want it. Sex seems to be his lower priority, but what can I do about it? I just have to accept it and hey, he’s an opposite-doer. He knows how much I want to have fun more often, so knowing that, of course, he’s gonna go the other way. Well, maybe he and Marla are right when they say that if I just relax, things will happen. I’m gonna try my best to do so and to just accept things the way they are, however they are.

Later…

Tom’s still at his ma’s, cuz doing for her is more important than our time together. At least he’s gotten a lot done around here. He still has more to do, so I hope he’ll be ready for me by no later than Wednesday. After he’s done neatening up his stuff in the back room, then I’ll go around and clean.

The John Saul book Black Lightning turned out to be nothing too great. It’s more of a murder mystery than his usual supernatural suspense story type of book. I can’t wait to read the rest of the Blackstone Chronicles, though.

I’m reading the second book out of some of the ones Ma gave me and I’m almost done with it, so I’m gonna go read some more now.

SATURDAY, MAY 3, 1997 OK, I’d better get updated here, before I get all backed up.

I got the full flow I expected, but what’s weird, yet nice, is that I’ve had no cramps. I never needed Ibuprofen.

As for the talk with my mother, well, every time I went to say goodbye to her, she’d ask or say something else. It was a total role reversal. I used to do this to her back when I was a phoneaholic.

Anyway, she basically said that they’d probably be leaving Monday the 5th and all’s well, except for the fact that they had to put Heidi to sleep. She says Dad’s really been crying over her.

Also, they probably won’t be calling again till they’re just about here.

I spoke to Shelly too, who said her life’s been hectic but is otherwise fine. She said her photo albums are stored at her dad’s place, but she’ll still get to looking for whatever she can find when she gets the chance.

I sent her a letter and some pictures of Tom and I. One of the pictures of myself I sent her was taken when I was 15.

Shelly also asked about airline ticket prices and mentioned the possibility of coming out in August, but who knows? I told her I didn’t mean to sound selfish, but that it’d probably be easier and best if she came out here. Then I explained why and she said that wasn’t at all selfish, she likes to travel and knows someone in Vegas who wants her to visit, too. She said maybe when her kids are in summer school.

It doesn’t look like avoiding sex during mid-cycle is gonna be possible, but I do intend to try my best to avoid it. I just don’t want to bother with it and with the emotional roller coaster it puts me through when we get so close, just to miss it, while he’s still set in his stubborn ways. As long as he’s obsessed with me waiting on him, I will wait on him. As long as he’s gonna have excuse after excuse and be run through the mill by his mother’s constant, one after the other, projects and errands, I don’t want to bother. Yesterday, for example, he could’ve been home at around 9:30 - 10:00, but no. Cuz of his mother, he didn’t get in till after 1:00. This is another reason why we can’t have sex more often than we do and as long as she’s alive, this is how it’ll be. So, I may bitch about it, but I’ve resigned myself to the fact that there’s nothing I can do about it.

Also, since I very well may not be able to do my latest idea to help myself deal with this, I may once again try the brainwashing routine and resort to making a “dodge getting pregnant” game out of this. By pretending I don’t want a child and that I’m so lucky we keep “missing it” and by focusing on the negs of having a kid, it may help.

He’ll never cum more often and that’s that. But I still don’t know if I’m gonna have the guts to see a doctor in a few years, cuz I know I’ll just lose whatever’s planted in me.

I just hate it when he insists he wants a kid as bad as I do, then turns around with all these excuses! I just don’t and can’t buy it. I’ll buy it in a few years if he still wants to see a doctor, but not now. Not as long as he’s the way he is.

For now, I just have to do everything I can to give up on this till after 2-3 years have passed.

Later…

I asked Tom why he wanted to wait for me to get a couple of periods to see where my cycle truly begins, then said counting wasn’t important to him. He said it was cuz counting seemed to be important to me. Oh no. Not anymore and I told him that months ago. I’m not gonna “work” for a kid. It’s either gonna happen naturally or it’s not gonna happen at all.

FRIDAY, MAY 2, 1997 The excitement of my parents’ visit in a week has made this period screwy. Yesterday when I got up at 8:00, I had a few spots, then nothing till now. Now it’s starting up and the next time I wake up, I’ll have a full flow. Then my tits, which have already started to improve, will be much better.

Of course, Tom never did get that appointment book he said he was gonna get so he could organize his time and free up more time. He’s not the least bit serious, like I said, about freeing up more time, screwing more, cumming more and making a kid. Instead, he lies about it by saying he wants a kid as much as I do and makes up bullshit excuses and lies. This 28-day thing really pisses me off. Like he’s gonna touch me much from now till after my folks leave? Of course not! That’s cuz when he’s not getting this place presentable for my folks, he’s off at his mother’s house babysitting her. Why doesn’t she just fucking move in with us?!

Cigna happened to call when I answered and I was right; they couldn’t read the PAP. She said to make an appointment with one of their GYNs and said that referrals are no longer needed for that. Yeah, well like I said, I won’t see no GYN till we go into the fertility program. Besides, that’ll be a requirement for that, anyhow.

Why did he contradict himself by saying we wanted to see where my cycle truly began, then tell me counting my cycle isn’t important? If it wasn’t important, then why did he want to know where my cycle truly began?

Marla said that if I write this book, I have to change names for privacy and legal reasons. Also, she offered to be my editor and get the book out there, if I was to write it.

I had a nice talk with my mother today and I still can’t believe how loosened up she’s been sounding lately. I have other things I want to do now, though, so I’ll write about it later.

THURSDAY, MAY 1, 1997 Gizzy was in the wooden box when I got up, then I forgot about him while I had my coffee and got myself woken up. Then I heard him on his wheel. So, he went back home again! Perhaps, and hopefully, he won’t want to escape to any place where he can’t get to his wheel.

It’s still the same old shit around here, as far as my periods and my feeling that Tom isn’t as ready for more sex and a kid, regardless of if I’m OK and could carry to full-term. My period started when I got up at 8:00, then I had an idea that may help to ease my moodiness and depression and may eventually help us both, since he has to live with my depression, too.

The idea was to not have sex during the so-called right time frame, till and if he’s ready, able and willing to cum more often. He’s only cum 3 times in 1997. Just 3 times. It’s no wonder we keep missing it by 1-3 days. Anyway, the reason I thought this would help is cuz I tend to be less bummed when we don’t screw around mid-cycle, cuz then I’m not bombarded with constant thoughts of, “If only God would change his mind, have a change of heart, and let us have hit it right this time!” I try to tell myself it doesn’t matter when we have sex or how often, since I know getting pregnant would only mean having a miscarriage, which would be much worse to have to handle. I don’t know if I could handle that. I really don’t think I could. To have gone as far as getting pregnant after all these years just to lose it would only kill me for sure. But still, I wouldn’t put it past God to take this teasing another step further. On the other hand, since he does seem to spare me from stuff I can’t handle, I’m sure he knows I couldn’t handle that, therefore, he won’t let me get pregnant in the first place.

Now that I know that if we had screwed and if he had gotten off on the day we had the fight that it wouldn’t have done anything, my only theory about why that fight was meant to be, was just to torture me some more.

You know how sensitive Tom is and he just gets upset when I insist he isn’t as ready for a kid as I am. He says I’m calling him a liar by saying that. Well, what does he expect? When someone says they’re gonna do something that they don’t do, makes promises they know they can’t keep, what do you expect? I’m only going by what I’ve seen from him. And I told him that I can’t make him like me and I can’t make me like him. I’d love to feel about this whole thing as a man would feel. But I can’t and I can’t change my desperation to have a child NOW. A man may be able to wait. A man may be able to live with or without a kid, but I’m a woman and this is how women feel about this issue. Even Tom agreed that I’m acting typical about the whole thing and that he does understand.

All I can be sure about is the fact that I’d lose any baby that started growing inside me. But we’ll never be sure if we can start one growing in me as long as he either won’t or can’t get off at least two days in a row, preferably 3-5, during prime time.

I told him that if my being less depressed meant making him upset, then I’d just be more depressed. Then I asked him bluntly, 3 times, how he can say he does want a kid as bad as I do, then not get off more often and he evaded the question. On the third time, though, he finally answered it. His ridiculous answer was, “If we can’t screw, I can’t get off.”

Oh please! Like something’s really been preventing him from screwing and getting off more often? Yeah right! It’s his own doing. I mean, God may have a part in influencing him to be the way he is, but still, his answer was absurd and made no sense. So, then I said, “OK, you want to screw?” And I checked the 5 days in May that’d be most likely to conceive on the calendar.

Then, he got even crazier and said, “No. 5 days isn’t gonna do it. I need more than 5 days. I need more like 28 days.”

So, acting as crazy as he was, hoping he’d listen to how crazy he sounded, I said fine and checked 28 days.

This is absolutely nerve-wracking, crazy, stupid, and just really pissing me off. Oh, so now he thinks he’s gonna cum 28 days in a row? Please! Yet he keeps insisting he understands. Then why is he still playing these fucking games with me? Does he think I’m that naïve and stupid? Does he think I can’t see through his little act and his lies? So, he’ll cum once or twice in these 28 days (and I know we won��t screw all 28 days), and one of the days will be way off and the other will be 1-3 days off.

It really, really is like God, or something, is teasing me. Just teasing the hell out of me! We’ve come so close, so many times. It’s dangled that baby in my face by a day or so, just to snatch it away and laugh its ass off!

Yeah, well I hope God’s happy now and having a grand old time up there. This is sick. I mean, no woman, no woman should have to “work” for a baby. And as I ask, year after year, when is this gonna end? How is this gonna end? I’m sick of God torturing me. Sick of the empty, torturous feelings that eat at me, both physically and mentally over this. Over this simple act of nature that’s supposed to be a natural part of life. I’m tired of being unnatural. Everything about me is unnatural. Why do I always get the people who just don’t function normally sexually? If it isn’t a problem I’ve got, it’s them. What if Tom was suddenly someone else? What problem would they have? Would they be totally impotent? Would they cum like hell and just be shooting blanks? Yeah, I could see God doing that to me. If I were single and straight in the way that I would seek a man, and if men weren’t so easy, all I’d have to do is close my eyes and wish for some sexual misfit and it’d be right at my door.

Again, I’m not saying Tom’s a sexual freak, although I do feel he’s quite unusual for a guy. Low appetite, and infrequent cumming (I know he denies this). And I’m not saying he doesn’t want a kid or more sex at all, it’s just that his actions just don’t fit his words and I, as a human being, can’t help but wonder. I know a part of it’s God, too, and that this is one of my “traits” (being with those who aren’t quite normal sexually), but how many more years of this must I be a part of? It took Tom 2½ years to cum. Does that mean I have another two years to go before he cums more often?

Just what is he trying to gain by this 28-day shit?

Maybe it’s like with my smoking. I’d love to be able to quit, I want to quit, but I can’t. But at least I say so. I say that I can’t. I don’t run around saying I can do something that I can’t do.

I still haven’t heard from Shelly, so I think what I’ll do is give her a call, see what’s up, then get a letter out to her.

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