#literally if I had not forgotten how far into february we were I would have had this ready earlier

[qteachoice]

Donghun through the years

Happy Donghun Day!

Bonus:

[sommerbueckers]

HI BABY OKAY SO I HAVE A LITTLE ONE SHOT IDEA⁉️⁉️

so basically reader and paige know each other but aren’t exactly close just flirted a few times wtv wtv. so reader goes to a game and she’s wearing the other teams jersey😋😋 after the game paige sees her, they hang out have a few drinks and hookup.. and paige is like “take this shit off” then pulls the other teams jersey off reader

ALSO CAN I BE 🤍 ANON??

yes ofc you can !!

𝐚/𝐧: okay i literally love this idea , and congrats on being my first anon love !

𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞

➪ 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭

THREE DAYS AGO you had been sitting quietly in your apartment, the tv displaying an episode of Gilmore Girls that you, if prompted, could recite word for word. Leftover Chinese food sat cold upon the coffee table, your roommate occasionally returning to her forgotten bowl of beef broccoli.

“What’re you doing this weekend?” her voice abruptly cut through the silence, drowning out the show which could hardly be heard to begin with.

You leaned your elbow against the arm of the couch, shrugging your shoulders. “Probably nothing.”

“Per usual,” she snorted, amused. After reaching to pause the tv, she pulled her legs up under her and twisted around to face you. Her face held a look of mischief and you typically tried to steer away from any kind of conversation with her at this point, but there was nowhere for you to go. “Do you wanna take a little road trip?” she raised her eyebrows, hopefully.

“A road trip?” you repeated, your tone laced with confusion. “It’s the middle of February and you wanna take a road trip?”

Excitedly nodding her head, she scooted closer to you. “You know how i’ve been talking to Noa a lot lately?” She hadn’t even given you a chance to respond before she continued on. “Well her school plays UConn on Friday night and she said she could get me courtside tickets! How sick is that?!”

Courtside tickets to any game would be exciting, but courtside tickets to see UConn Paige play was an entirely different level of excitement.

You had met the basketball star at a penthouse party last summer. It was being hosted by some trust fund NYU student whose parents were out of town. It was said to be ‘select invite only,’ the hierarchy groups of the social food chain would be there along with whoever else they wanted to bring. You originally weren’t supposed to go, but after finding out your name was on the invite list, you and a few friends couldn’t think of any better way to spend the night.

Paige had been wearing a white crop top and a pair of jorts, and she looked far too good not to entertain for the night. All night you two had mingled and flirted, dancing together and taking shot after shot. Nothing came out of it other than another follower on Instagram, but you were just happy to have made the night a good one.

“Yeah, that’s pretty cool,” you admitted quietly. You leaned forward to grab the box of shrimp fried rice, aimlessly picking at it with your fork in an attempt to hide your clear interest in the conversation.

“Pretty cool?” your roommate gaped, “it’s fucking awesome! I finally get to meet her and you get to see Paige play in person.” She was practically bouncing off the walls at this point, her cheeks red from how hard she was smiling. She was biting her lip, no doubt to keep from squealing.

You sucked your teeth unconvincingly, your mind scattered as it tried to provide you with a quick response. “Why would I wanna see Paige?” you frowned, avoiding her eyes.

“Aren’t you guys friends?”

“Why would you think that?”

“Well you follow each other on Insta, and you’re always watching her games,” she shrugged innocently, thankfully not picking up on the way your eyes refused to meet hers or the blush that had unknowingly crept onto your face.

“Oh,” you mumbled, “well we aren’t.”

Unfortunately, it was the truth. You and Paige hadn't interacted with each other since the party and you chalked the night up to the two of you just having some drunken fun.

"Oh, so, do you wanna come down or no?"

You weighed your options, though the answer was clear. Stay in your apartment with nothing to do other than binge watch shows by yourself or join your roommate on a trip down to good ol' Storrs, Connecticut. You sighed and leaned back against the couch, crossing your arms.

"When do we leave?"

⋆｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆｡

That was how you ended up sitting courtside at a UConn versus Creighton game, a white and blue jersey over your sweatshirt, the number seven displayed on the front. Your roommate had insisted that you both wear Noa’s jersey, that way she felt ‘double the support.’ You didn’t mind despite the fact that you couldn’t name a single player on the team.

The game ended with UConn sweeping Creighton, you had tuned out sometime during the third quarter after accepting the fact that the blue jays wouldn’t be able to come back. You hadn’t even noticed the game was over until the blonde beside you stood up with a groan, throwing her hands in the air.

“That’s it? It’s over just like that?” she turned to you with wide eyes.

You shrugged your shoulders, “Guess so.”

She was beyond upset, you would’ve thought she had been the one on the court. She went on a tangent after the teams disappeared into the locker room, expressing her opinion on why the game should be longer and what Creighton should’ve done. She had no idea what she was talking about, and you knew that, but still listened nonetheless.

“Are we getting something to eat?” you asked when you were sure she was done talking.

“Yeah,” she sighed out, “not sure what Noa wants to do but we can figure it out when she gets out here.”

“Okay, ‘m gonna use the bathroom real quick.” You stood from your seat, brushing off your jersey and heading toward the bathrooms.

Never before had you been to Gampel Pavilion, and curiosity got the best of you as you disregarded the large ‘Restrooms’ sign for a more enticing place. You ambled down one of the corridors, looking at all the pictures and awards that were up on the walls. Pictures of alumni in all the different uniforms through the decades, different championship trophies and plaques.

Your eyes stopped on one picture in particular; it was from the 80s and the men had bright smiles on their faces as they held up a large trophy. Their shorts were incredibly short, and you laughed to yourself as you wondered how they’d ever played in them. Before you could bring your attention away on your own accord, a familiar voice did it for you.

“You’re not supposed to be back here.”

There stood Paige Bueckers in all her six foot glory, her eyebrows knitted together as she stared at you. For having just played a game, she looked amazing. Her hair was still pulled up in its usual braid and ponytail but it was now partially covered with a gray beanie, she had put on a jacket and sweats over her uniform and looked about ready to slip out without being seen. That’s probably what she was doing.

“Oh sorry, I—I didn’t know,” you shook your head, embarrassed.

“Nah it’s cool, usually it doesn’t matter but they’re tryna clear the place out now,” she explained with a shrug, a keychain jingling from the movement of her bag on her back.

You nodded your head, silently walking past her to make your way back to the gym.

“Wait,” she called out.

You whipped your head around quicker than you should’ve, your face holding a look of innocence as you waited, no, hoped for her to say what you thought she was going to say.

“Don’t I know you?”

‘Yeah, we met last summer,’ was what you would’ve said had you been able to think straight. Instead, you stared at her dumbly until she finally spoke again.

“I think I do, we met at that one kid’s party last year,” she said. Was she trying to remind you? Like anyone would forget meeting Paige Bueckers at a party.

“Yeah, yeah I remember,” you nodded. You rubbed your forehead with a breathless laugh, thinking of what to say next. “That night was pretty blurry to be honest…”

That’s all you could come up with?

It wasn't even the truth either. You remembered everything from that night; every look, every touch.

“No yeah I get what you mean,” she laughed, “don’t even remember how I got home.”

You nodded your head to feign agreement because you knew exactly how you had gotten home.

“Creighton fan, huh?” Paige asked, gesturing to your jersey.

You glanced down, pulling the material away so you could examine it yourself. “No uh, my friend’s girlfriend or — whatever is on the team and we just came down to support her.”

“Ah, so I take it you’re not a UConn fan either?”

You laughed, “I’ve watched a couple games.”

Another lie -- you've watched every game.

“I’ll take it,” Paige smiled. “It was good seeing you again,” she said, beginning to back up. Had you not been so captured by the shade of blue that her eyes held, you would’ve missed the way they'd scanned your body. Running up and down your legs, gently biting her lip. Her eyes once again met yours and she flashed you that signature smirk before she turned around and headed out.

⋆｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆｡

"This place is fucking packed," Noa commented, surveying the bar with narrowed eyes.

"Yeah, i'm gonna go see if I can get us a table."

Your roommate left your side and approached the hostess podium, you and Noa now being alone near the door. She awkwardly rocked back and forth on her feet, hands resting comfortably in her pockets. "Y'all came down here together?" she asked suddenly.

"Yeah, got here a little bit before the game actually," you smiled.

Noa hummed, "Hope you aren't driving back tomorrow," she said with a small laugh.

"What do you mean?"

"The couch at the apartment isn't the most comfortable," she sighed, scratching the back of her neck, "so I was just saying you'd probably be better off making blondie drive."

As if on cue, said blondie motioned for the two of you to follow her. "The wait was like forty-five minutes but the bar has the full menu," she said and gestured to three open seats right beside each other. You all gladly took them, sighing as you finally put your feet to rest.

The bartender came around and took your orders and the three of you finally settled in. Conversation came easy, you and Noa bonded over all things basketball. You discussed the calls that were made during the game, how a lot of them were made in favor of UConn because it was their home gym and all. While it hadn't been a complete lie, UConn would've won even without those calls.

You sipped casually on your martini, letting your two friends fall into their own conversation while you busied yourself elsewhere. Your gaze moved from table to table, scouting out someone who could turn your night around from the eventful one it had been. Once again, as though the man above had been listening solely to you, Paige and her teammates waltzed right in.

She had changed out of her basketball uniform, now dressed in a pair of cargos with a long sleeve and a vest.

Instinctively, you straightened up in your chair. They'd seated themselves on the other end of the bar, Paige sitting perfectly in your line of view. You felt like a creep the way you were watching her, but you couldn't help it. There had been a point in time where Paige had been focused on you. Her hands roaming your body as you danced together, her eyes locked on yours only, determined to make you laugh. You smiled unconsciously at the memory of that night, wishing over and over that you could relive it.

When you looked up again Paige was gone, missing from the rest of her group.

"If I didn't know any better, i'd think you were following me," her voice came from close behind you, and you found her standing there with an untouched drink in her hand.

"Well if I remember correctly, I was here first," you smiled, tilting your head. You were hoping you looked cute doing it and not dopey like you had pictured yourself. "So who's really doing the following?"

Paige chuckled, "You got me there." She moved to take the seat beside you, glancing around for a sign that someone was already sitting there. When she didn't find one, she proceeded to get comfortable. You watched contently, sipping your drink with crossed legs and waiting for her to settle. "That's the girlfriend?"

You nodded your head without looking behind you.

"Whatchu got?" you pointed at her glass.

"Dirty Shirley."

"Ah, your favorite."

Paige pursed her lips, a smile threatening to break through. "How'd you know that?" she asked.

"It was all you drank that night," you reminded her.

"Hm," she smirked, "thought you said you didn't remember much."

'Fuck,' you thought to yourself.

"I remember bits and pieces," you shrugged, distracting yourself with your drink.

The blonde playfully narrowed her eyes. She remembered everything from that night, she had only pretended not to because she felt embarrassed that she remembered everything and you didn't. She had visited your Instagram multiple times in the weeks following that, cursing herself for not having the courage to ask you out or do anything other than pointlessly flirt with you.

But here she was, being presented with the opportunity to turn things around, and she planned to take advantage of it.

"So tell me, what else do you remember?"

⋆｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆｡

Two martinis and four rounds of shots later, you and Paige found yourselves in an intense game of pool. She was currently beating you, her only objection to sink the eight ball in while you still had a few balls left to knock in.

You leaned over with focused eyes, carefully lining up the stick with the ball. You could feel Paige's presence beside you, her breath hot on your ear as she spoke. "She's crumbling," the blonde teased. She sensed your stress and she was feeding off it, a thrilled expression upon her face. "Will she sink it? Or will she fumble?"

You pulled the stick back, and with a swift movement, jolted it forward. The ball flew quickly across the table, ricocheting off the side and rolling back toward the middle.

"Oh! She shoots, she misses!" Paige commentated enthusiastically, the alcohol running through her system and giving her a buzz. She pointed her finger annoyingly in your face as she backed away, getting closer and closer to her position behind the eight ball. She mimicked the stance you had done; leaning over the table and zeroing in on the ball.

A beat of silence passed and Paige still hadn't moved, her eyes slowly moved upwards to meet yours. A smile broke out onto her lips, she stood up and twirled the stick around in her hands. "How about we make this a little more interesting," she suggested lowly.

"Interesting how?" you snorted, leaning against the table.

She stepped closer to you, towering over you with a gaze that had you practically foaming at the mouth. If Paige wanted to take you on the pool table right at that moment, you would've let her. Of course, that was just the alcohol talking, and there was quite a lot of it.

"I need one shot to win, and I want a reward when I do."

"A reward, huh?" I raised my eyebrows, noticing her step closer, "What kind of reward do you want?"

"I can think of a few things..." she murmured. Paige was trying hard to be seductive right now, and she couldn't tell if it was working or not. She had already failed to hookup with you once last year at the party, and she'd be damned if she failed again.

"Like what?" you took a step closer, batting your eyelashes at her. You were teasing her and she knew it. The alcohol coursing through your system was giving you a confidence boost like no other, and you couldn't think of a better way to make use of it other than flirting with Paige.

"Well for starters," she sighed, pulling gently on the Creighton jersey that you had yet to change out of, "I don't wanna see this anymore tonight."

"Oh yeah?" you quirked a brow at her.

"Yeah, and when I win, i'm gonna take it off you," she said confidently.

You could feel yourself sweating beneath your clothes, the pool stick in your hand suddenly becoming difficult to grip. You cleared your throat when she finally stepped back, a knowing smile tugging at her lips as she repositioned herself on the other side of the table and focused on the ball. With a quick and calculated shot, the ball swiped cleanly across the table before falling into the desired slot.

The noise from the bar seemed to fade away as the realization of Paige's victory sunk in. People drunkenly moved around; dancing, singing, cheering at whatever was playing on tv, but none of that mattered to you anymore. You were unable to focus on anything other than Paige's blue eyes staring into yours, the color seemingly darker than it was just moments ago.

You rolled your eyes and set the stick down on the table, reaching for the hem of the jersey to take it off. Paige's hands quickly found your wrists, her face contorted in utter confusion. "What're you doing?" she asked.

You were playing with her.

"Taking the jersey off, isn't that what you wanted?" you frowned innocently.

Paige scoffed, "Don't test me. Let's go back to mine, you can take it off there."

You both bid your goodbyes to your friends, your roommate tossed you a questioning look that you dismissed with the wave of your hand. You waited impatiently outside for an Uber, Paige holding you close in attempt to shield you from the cold. Her eyes were fixed on your lips, the very ones that were trembling, begging to be warmed up by hers. From the moment she had seen you in the hallway she immediately recognized you, she'd recognize that ass anywhere. She had planned to send you a message tomorrow, running into you tonight had been unexpected but not unwelcome. It just gave her less time to think of what to say.

The car ride back to Paige's house left the two of you bright eyed and rosy cheeked; the radio was switched off and the driver spelled like he had just played in a basketball game and didn't bother to shower afterward. The backseat windows appeared to have a child lock on them, preventing either of you from breathing in fresh air. Between the buzz from all the drinking and toxicity of the car's air, you and Paige couldn't stop yourselves from laughing the whole way there. Her hands didn't leave your legs, but in the midst of all the welcomed chaos you hadn't even noticed.

You rolled out of the car, basking in the cold air with open arms. Paige trailed closely behind you, her hand on the small of your back as the two of you made your way up to her apartment. The second the elevators doors shut and you two were alone, your lips met hers in a searing kiss. She tasted sweet, like Dirty Shirleys and peach CÎROC shots. With your hands tangled in her hair, you pulled her closer, wanting needing to taste more of her.

Her tight grip on your hips, fingertips pressing into you, sent shivers throughout your body. She backed you into the wall, her tongue exploring every inch of your mouth while you lowered your guard and let her. So caught up in the taste of you, she almost missed the elevator opening up to her floor. Hardly even breaking the kiss, you two made your way out. Paige knew exactly where to go and you were blindly being led by her, stumbling over your own feet.

Paige fumbled around in her pocket for her keys, roughly jamming them into the lock and pushing the door open. The apartment was dark with the exception of a few city lights pouring in through the windows. Standing in place for a couple seconds longer, you felt the kiss slow down before Paige stopped it completely.

"Fuck," she spoke breathlessly, running a hand through her hair. She reluctantly backed away from you, turning on the lights. With the apartment's kitchen now being fully lit, you could see into the living room as well. The place was beautifully furnished, with little fake plants placed around on the shelves and pictures of Paige and her friends framed up on the walls. Her couch looked far more comfortable than the couch Noa had described earlier and you were dreading having to return to it later tonight.

Paige appeared in front of you, her hands coming up to cup your face. "I want you to go into my bedroom, turn the light on, and then sit down on the bed and wait for me," she instructed lowly. You nodded silently, backing up in the direction of the bedroom while giving Paige the sexiest smile you could muster. In reality, you were absolutely panicking.

Once you got to the bedroom, you switched on the lamp that rested on the bedside table and seated yourself on the edge of the bed. You were unsure of how to sit, or maybe you should try lying down? You decided on taking your shoes and socks off first, neatly dropping them on the side of the bed. You didn't have time to further your thoughts on how to sit because just as you had finished putting your things aside, Paige entered the bedroom and shut the door behind her. She was carrying a bottle of water that she set down on the nightstand, laughing when she noticed you awkwardly staring.

"You look uncomfortable."

"I'm not, just waiting for you," you replied, hoping the shakiness in your voice didn't betray you.

Paige walked over and stood before you, enticingly biting her lip. She leaned down at the same time that you leaned back, a seductive game of cat and mouse as she crawled forward whilst you crawled backward. Your smiles grew when your back hit the headboard and you realized you had nowhere else to go.

"You've been staring at me all night with those eyes," she murmured, and you felt her breath on your lips.

"What eyes?"

Paige rubbed her own nose against yours before she reconnected your lips. She pushed your legs apart with her hands, running them up and down the smooth material of your leggings. You let out a soft moan into her mouth when her knee came in contact with your heated center, bucking your hips in order to feel more of her.

Paige took it upon herself to quicken the pace, instinctively grinding into you. Her lips eventually left yours, trailing down your neck and leaving wet pecks all over. Her teeth bit softly into your skin, marking you as hers. You pressed her further into you, hands snaking under her shirt and roaming all over her back. Her attack on your flesh was violent, the pain pulling a pathetic whimper out of you.

"Fuck, do that again," Paige mumbled against your skin, repeating her actions a little rougher this time to gain a bigger reaction from you.

"Ah, Paige!" you slammed your hand against her shoulder, screwing your eyes shut.

She yanked harshly at the jersey still clinging to your body, "Take this shit off," she spat out. She pushed you down into the mattress, ripping the garment from your body and discarding it somewhere in the room. Your sweatshirt came off next, leaving you clad in only a bra and your leggings. Paige pulled her own shirt over her head, her necklace dangling over your face. You used it to pull her back down into you, hungry for a taste of her again.

Her fingertips crept underneath you and she hooked them onto your bra strap, skillfully unlatching it and pulling it off you. Dilated pupils gazed down at your exposed breasts, her hands hastily coming up to touch them like a child in a toy store. She kneaded, sucked, licked, kissed, her attention focused solely on your hardened nipples, leaving your neglected pussy uncontrollably dripping.

"Paige," you whined desperately, your back arching so far off the bed that Paige's hands forced you back down.

"Hm?" she hummed inattentively.

"I need you..."

A loud popping sound came from Paige letting go of your nipple, holding your stare as she lowered her body closer to where you needed her most. Just as she had hooked her fingers on your bra strap, she hooked them on the waistband of your leggings and slowly pulled them down.

Your panties were downright soaked, earning a mocking laugh from the blonde.

"So wet for me mama," she purred, a smirk on her face.

She took her thumb and ran it straight down your clothed slit. You sucked in a sharp breath, hands already grabbing at the sheets on the bed. To Paige, you looked like an angel lying there, like a good girl with those pleading eyes as you waited to be fucked senseless. Finally, Paige removed your panties and tossed them aside with the rest of your clothes.

She shamelessly played around in your slick, soaking each and every one of her fingers in it.

"Tell me you want it."

"I want it Paige," you breathed out.

Paige's face appeared overtop of you, her jaw clenched tightly in disapproval, "Beg."

You were so turned on you didn't even protest, instead just propped yourself up on your elbows to be closer to her. Her fingers danced around in teasingly slow circles on your clit, a knot gradually forming in your stomach. "Please I want you to fuck me, please baby I need it so bad. Want your fingers inside me," you exhorted pathetically.

Without wasting another second, the blonde inserted two lengthy fingers inside of you. It was like looking into a mirror the way Paige's face copied yours; when you bit your lip, she bit hers, when your mouth involuntarily gaped open, so did hers. She was taunting you, forcing you to see how undone you were becoming. Tightly gripping her bicep, you dug your nails into the large muscle.

Her fingers pumped in and out of you, thumb doing work on your clit to bring you closer to the edge. The squelching noise that filled the room sent heat to your cheeks, and if it wasn't that then it was the look Paige was giving you as she fucked you. She was proud of the mess you were becoming, the mess she was making you. She kissed your lips over and over again even though you couldn't kiss back.

Your head was spinning with thoughts of Paige, the feeling of Paige inside you. Your toes curled involuntarily, noises you had never heard yourself make before echoed off the walls of the room.

"Yes yes yes, i'm close," you cried out, "fuck just like that!"

Paige hurriedly kissed her way back down to your pussy, replacing her thumb with her tongue. She mercilessly sucked you like a starved woman enjoying her first meal, or a guilty one enjoying her last. Her tongue moved nimbly against you, fingers fucking in and out of you and feeling the tightness as you clenched around her.

"You gonna come for me, huh?"

"Uh huh," you fervently nodded.

"Hmm," she hummed into you, the vibrations nearly sending you over the edge, "let me hear you say it. I want to hear you say it."

"Yes! I'm gonna come for you..."

Paige expertly curled her fingers inside you, lying her tongue flat against your clit and forcing you to do none other than let go. The knot that had been building in your stomach finally fell apart, your legs snapping shut and trapping Paige's head there. You pushed and pulled at her, your desires becoming fuzzy as the orgasm swallowed you whole. Moans and strings of curse words unconsciously spilled from your lips. They were a stark contrast to the sweet things Paige cooed as she left kisses along your stomach, and your chest, and back up to your lips.

"Such a good girl," she whispered on your lips, "you were so good for me."

You shivered at the empty feeling you got from Paige pulling her fingers out of you, they were covered in the same slick that her chin was, glistening under the lamp's light. You smiled tiredly at her, snaking your arms around her neck and pressing your lips to hers.

"You tired?" she asked, observing your face.

"Yeah."

She pulled away from you and reached for the water bottle on the nightstand, twisting it open and bringing it to your lips. "Sleep here tonight," she said, "I can take you where you need to go in the morning."

Swallowing the water you said, "You sure?"

"Yeah, you probably can't walk after that anyway."

"Shut up," you snorted hitting her chest.

The two of you settled in bed together, your naked body finding warmth against her clothed one as she cuddled you close to her. You smiled to yourself, nuzzling your face in her neck and drifting off to sleep.

[kalisama]

I’m Back

 Hey all, 

Sorry I completely ghosted tumblr. I’m not dead, it’s just been a rough couple of years. Feel free to read on if you’re curious.

 I disappeared around the time our dog got cancer. He needed around the clock care for what we thought was going to be a period of recovery, but he continued to decline mentally until he just wasn’t with it anymore. My pets were my babies so that hit me pretty hard. Also found out I was pregnant a month before. There were some early complactions and I ended up on bed rest for a bit. Got carpel tunnel, ended up not being able to do much in the way of art for most of my pregnancy. And then we had a baby girl. And 2 months later the military moved us halfway across the country to a place with no housing available. 😅So we bought a house sight unseen. The day we moved in my dad called to tell me something was wrong with my mom. My mom was in and out of the emergency room multiple times in the following week before ending up in emergency surgery because she almost died, and my very beloved cat suddenly passed away that same week.  All of these things completely overshadowed the fact that I was struggling with PPD. I kept saying I’d be better when there wasn’t so much stress. But I wasn’t. My anxiety was out of control and I wasn’t getting any sleep. And let me tell you, severe anxiety and sleep deprivation is not how you want to enter a global pandemic...My husband got deployed somewhere in there, and things were crap for a long while. Then, when I finally started to feel better my dad unexpectedly passed away…

It’s been a year and a half now since he’s been gone. Most of that time feels like a void. A year and a half of trying to hold my family together while being the solo care giver for my toddler. My mom was not functional for months. I took my daughter and went to live with her in Wisconsin until we could get her back up on her feet. It wasn’t a planned trip. We literally left home the morning after my dad passed, and didn’t return until 5 months later. My family will never be the same, I think everyone of us has had some mental health struggles this past year, but things are slowly getting better. I can see them adapting, evolving around the black hole of grief. Moving forward. In February I decided it was time to start making space for myself again. I’m working my way back to finding those things that I loved before my life became a blur of depression and child raising. My dad loved to see me creating art, and in his last couple of months he would often mention that he was concerned that I had given up on the things that brought me joy. I’ve come to the realization that honoring him doesn’t just mean trying to take care of everyone else’s needs and leaving no time for my own. It’s been a slow process. I’m taking some online art courses and doing art in my free time. Last month my husband gifted me an iPad which has been a total game changer as far as being able to get some creative time in while taking care of our 3 year old.

I sincerely hope to have more art to share with you all in the coming months. I’ll try to remember to update here. I had completely forgotten tumblr existed. I’m generally more active on FB because that’s how I stay connected to family members.  My DA account is still open but not active. I don’t know if I want to return to posting there, but it will certainly remain the home for all my older work. 

[fa-by]

official to get together with Ty. I mean, what?? Who does something like that if they were truly in love?// about this part technically they only became "official" publicly at that time because they never gave us an actual date as to when L and LV got together or even broke up and what makes it more confusing is that LV and L looked like they ended on good terms but then a few weeks later they unfollowed each other and LV was throwing shade at L and now they're not even friends.

Still here, not a hater nor a shipper Anon? I see that the first two times weren’t enough for you. Okay. Suit yourself.

“they never gave us an actual date as to when L and LV got together or even broke up”. Actually, we may not have specific day dates, but we do have dates to calculate everything.

As I’ve already explained, Lucy returned to Lauren’s life after she had a car accident on May 17, 2015:

“She came back into my life when I was 18. I was on tour and I was in my room in a hotel somewhere and she called me”, and, according to their narrative, Lauren decided they would be together “all in” and “now we’re gonna be in this relationship” from that moment on. The last public interaction between the two of them occurred on January 12, 2017 with that post for Lucy’s birthday (which is actually Jan 11):

And by January 21, 2017, they had already broken up since they were at the same Women’s March but with other people. While Lauren ‘was still together with’ Lucy, Ty tweeted “LMJ” on January 4, 2017:

He canceled it right away, and on February 12, 2017, Tyren made their first appearance as a ‘couple’ at the Grammys after-party (picture posted by L two days later):

If you calculate from mid-May 2015 to mid-January 2017, it’s 1 year and 8 months. And of that year and 8 months, 2 months were public due to the wedding pictures.

Lauren was already with Ty after less than a month. In fact, if you want to calculate from January 21 to February 12, it’s only 9 days. So, as you can see, we have dates on which base ourselves.

“Um let’s be realistic this literally happens all the time in real life”. Oh yeah? To who? To those who weren’t really in love and didn’t care about their exes maybe, but not to those who claimed to have been in love with their best friend since adolescence. You continue to be contradictory, Anon. Even in your own thoughts. Because if you believe in the Laucy narrative, then you’re supposed to believe that Lauren was in love with Lucy for five years (from when she was 15 to when she was 20). And if you believe that, then how can you think she fell out of love with her in less than a month? How can you think that’s realistic? Do you really give your fave so little credit? As I’ve already said, I don’t know you, so either you’ve never been in love and that’s why you think it’s realistic, or you do give Laur so little credit for real.

I’m gonna copy and paste the entire piece that you copied incompletely now: “How can you have been in love with someone for so many years, broke up with them because they were a toxic person, and immediately get together with an even more toxic person without having the proper time to heal? Without taking the time for yourself to lick your wounds, grow up, be ready again to throw yourself out there, and eventually find a better person to be in a relationship with? How? Simple. Because they were both fake relationships. The timing they wanted to tell is not credible. None of what they’ve said is believable, and luckily, there’s also enough evidence to prove it so these are not opinions and theories”.

When you love someone, Anon, when you really love someone and you’re not with them anymore, you need time. You really need some time before you can move on. Less than a month is not enough to fall out of love after 5 years and start another relationship by declaring to be in love with this other person every five seconds. I really don’t understand how you can think it’s realistic, and most of all, I really don’t understand how you don’t see it was all fake.

“and who says Ty was a toxic person cause so far L has never said anything bad about him and he treated her right from what we have seen, also the fact that their ‘split’ was peaceful so how was he toxic for her?”. So, let me get this straight. Someone who thinks that ‘the women only serve to be in the kitchen’, that ‘the lesbians only are confused girls’, that:

and that he’s:

is not a toxic person? Someone who’s been in a gang (like his brother who’s still in jail) since he was a teenage boy and has a long list of felonies on his record for infractions, assaults, and possession of various drugs, isn’t toxic? Someone who lies about his age and is disrespectful in the lyrics in his songs and when he speaks in general with phrases in which he had no respect for either women or homosexuality, is not toxic? Someone for whom it’s normal to punch and kick another celebrity in the head just because he refused to leave and free for him the VIP room of a club he was occupying, is not toxic? Someone who wanted to make a blind woman move who was sitting behind him with her guide dog, claiming to be allergic to the fur that was making him sneeze, and despite the fact that the plane staff offered him another seat in the back, which he refused because ‘he had paid extra to be in the one he was sitting in’, and the blind woman even offered him an allergy pill, he refused AGAIN with the excuse that he ‘had to perform’ a few hours later at the Escapade Music Festival (the woman obviously had priority over her seat and wasn’t moved, so they all stayed in their seats in the end), is not toxic?

Are you for real?? Do you really think Lauren could actually have been with a person like that? Someone who represented exactly what she always despised? Do you really think so low of her? You say she’s your fave, but do you know her at all? Because you’re basically insulting her as a person and her intellect. When will you learn to distinguish reality from fiction? When are you gonna open your eyes? If Lauren were to tell you that Santa’s real, then you’d believe it just because the words came out of her mouth? Come on now! Just because she was forced to say that she loved him and how a good person he was, DOESN’T MAKE IT TRUE. Not to mention that we’ve witnessed several times how uncomfortable she was when they had to look intimate for pictures:

And how inappropriate he was:

https://youtu.be/g3D_FMHy4ho

Don’t you see how she tried to move his hand and how uncomfortable she was? And these are just two examples, but there are so many of them. Wake up and learn to recognize the distinction between script-following Laur and authentic Laur. I already told you this.

No, I’m the one who’s sorry here. Because as I said, you can’t distinguish when something is fake and when it’s real. I was there. You seem to have forgotten this. I saw every post, every picture, and every live they did together. They were together. They obviously couldn’t say it because Lucy ‘was together’ with Laur, but they were together. It wasn’t a serious relationship like the one with Nicole, but they still had something. They stayed together until February and then Lucy got together with Nicole in March.

---

I hope this can also answer your ask, dear Anon 😄 and hi to you too 👋🏼

---

Back to you, not a hater nor a shipper Anon. Keep blaming CS and believing every single thing your faves say if you want, but do yourself a favor: stop trying to change someone’s mind (with empty proofs) and try to convince them to think like you. It’s useless. As I already told you in that post: “You can come back here a hundred more times, but you won’t change my mind”. Just accept it. Just accept the fact that we think differently because we believe in different things. Follow the blogs that think like you if you want, create your own blog with your own opinions or whatever, but don’t go to CS ones like mine because you wouldn’t come out as a winner, as you could see all three times. It’s one thing to go to another blog to express your opinion, and another is to go there multiple times and insist on changing their minds. Unlike you, I don’t go bothering other blogs to convince them to believe in what I believe. In fact, if that’s why, I don’t really care to change their minds precisely because, as I already told you, everyone is free to think what they want and have their own ideas. I accept the fact  that not everyone thinks the same way. Embrace this idea too, trust me, you'll live better. Find your community and be happy there.

I hope I’ve been even clearer than the previous times. Take care, not a hater nor a shipper Anon, and have a good day. I hope you’ll find what you’re looking for.

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Treatment/Recovery Update - May 2021

Okay, I will try to ramble less in this one (so sorry!) ^ well that didn't happen!

In terms of when I did leave hospital, as I mentioned a tiny bit in the last post, my EDP was completely AWOL. A month before I was due to be discharged she came to a meeting with myself and my consultant, during which we set up 4 appointments that would be over zoom before I was discharged to help with relapse prevention and the transition home, as well as setting out, in principle, the therapeutic support that I would be getting once home...it all sounded great, so great. But as usual when it comes to my team, it was too good to be true (should have called it). I attempted to contact her when our appointments never happened but I kept being met by a brick wall; no one knew what was happening, all I got told was that she was "off"... Time passed and I was discharged with only a phone call booked in from someone from the general team to check I was safe a few days later (it was literally 5 minutes, long if that) and an appointment to do physical monitoring the next wee....a far cry from the original discharge plan *sigh* Coming home was a bit of a whirlwind. We were approaching Christmas but we were still under a lot of restrictions with COVID, so it was a very strange/messy/weird few weeks.

Time continued to pass and there was still no confirmation around therapy or support, even the ED team didn't know what was happening with L, I just continued to go to two weekly physical monitoring. In the end, with nowhere else to turn, I contacted my consultant from hospital. To say that she was mad that nothing had been in place/I had no support would be an understatement and I thank my lucky stars that she was able to get involved. It took a couple of weeks but I finally had my first session with a therapist in February. In total it took about 8-9weeks from discharge to see someone, which, well, was hard.

Upon reflection, I think one of the biggest things I struggled with with coming home was that I had literally no leave to practice beforehand. This meant that I unfortunately slipped back into old habits very quickly as, well I know it is no excuse but coming back to the same environment your brain easily slips into automatic mode and you find yourself doing what you "used" to do without realising it.

I was in, I would say, quite a vulnerable state when I left hospital (the last few months there were pretty rocky to say the least) and the day before I was discharged (as I mentioned in a previous post somewhere) I was handed 3 different, very conflicting, meal plans and the nutritionist who had previously been very horrible to me and who had been away for a number of weeks, told me that she did not think I could continue to recover at home and that the best possible case would be if I only lost a bit of weight over the next 6 months....I think you can probably guess how badly this was taken and how messy my mind was. So with 3 meal plans in hand, none of which I had practiced, with little to no support from the ED team, I was, essentially, crisis managing, simply trying to get through each day.

I know, I know. Classic kitty - stuck record. failure. mess. making a million and one excuses. trying to make out like she is fine to the rest of the world when in fact inside she was falling apart. sigh.

In terms of my weight recovery I was not discharged at a healthy BMI/weight, which my consultant was sad about, however I was in a much better place than when I was admitted (I think I had gained about half the weight I would have needed to from when I was admitted to get to a healthy weight). I will admit that part of me does wonders whether staying would have been beneficial, because on a very basic level yes it could have helped in some ways. However if I stretch my mind back to when I was still on the ward ,it actually still floods me with anxiety and fear because of how UNHELPFUL the environment had sadly become. It is hard to explain to someone who has not experienced an EDU, but the patient groups can and do make a massive of differences. I was vvv lucky that when I was initially admitted, and for the first good couple of months, it was a v supportive and recovery focused environment. However, by about late Sept/early October ,things turned completely upside down (which was not helped by the fresh COVID lockdowns either) and even staff were saying how terrible it had gotten and how they could not believe the things that they were being asked to manage on the progression ward. There were times when I felt incredible unsafe on the ward and feared for others patients, which is not "okay". I genuinely believe that staying any longer would have likely made my mental health decline further; I had already found the massive shift was negatively affecting me and I think staying would have been unwise. I had also gained quite a lot of weight and was, I hate to admit, struggling with both coming to terms with that along with dealing with everything that you are continually facing when going through treatment/recovery alongside working on trauma stuff. I know none of that is any worthy excuse, but that was how it was...At this time I was struggling a lot with my meal plan and had quite a few lapses whilst on the transition phase of the unit however despite screaming out for help/support from staff, because of the acute situation on the ward, I was just left. They knew I was struggling, I was told time and time again that they had not forgotten me, but did I get help? no. It was actually made worse by the then nutritionist who sat me down like a naughty school girl and basically told me that I was a failure and that I would never achieve anything in life blah blah blah (please see a past post if you want to know more) which made me even more scared to reach out for 'help'/'support'. So no, I don't think staying would have helped much, which is a real shame.

Therapy wise I had a bit of a rough ride in there (god I'm really selling this aren't I?!). When admitted I was not in a place for 'traditional' therapy what so ever; looking back I honestly have no idea how I was even 'functioning' (was I functioning? probably not) and even the group therapies were a struggle but my consultant stuck with me and with time I was able to process a little more. One thing that helped me beyond words was 1:1 Art Therapy. This was not something I had accessed before, only ever doing group sessions in the past which was mostly about getting away from the ward and doing a bit of art. I cannot reiterate enough how different and HELPFUL the 1:1 sessions were. The art therapy, who I knew from the last year and is an absolutely GEM, helped me to begin to process and work through the trauma that I had experienced with dad. It took a lot of time and persistence but I was able to use those sessions in so many ways and I will forever be grateful to P for supporting me (I was so lucky to be able to have 1:1 sessions for the majority of my 8 admission).

The more traditional therapy initially took the form of 30min sessions with my consultant once to twice a week (as much as I hated them, she was bloody good). I also had a review and a few sessions with the lead therapist via zoom (she was heavily pregnant so was working from home) not long after being admitted, but she soon went on maternity leave. This left me to be picked up by her student, who was actually incredible. We did a long extended piece of work on my perfectionism which, again, was SO helpful but she sadly left (for bigger and better things) and I was left hanging for a while as there were no other openings. A new lead therapist started and after a while he did a few sessions with me before leaving suddenly (I think even staff only had a weeks notice, which was ridiculous), so I was back to twiddling thumbs for a few weeks. I then met with a therapist who worked 2 mornings a week that I saw a bit during my last admission but we didn't do many sessions and it just fell away. This was mostly my fault as by this point I was questioning my admission and whether I would self discharge as there were some not good things going on on the ward, so I wasn't really in the headspace to explore things deeply and had been picked up and put down so many times that I just couldn't do anymore. Throughout that time though I continued to see my consultant weekly, mainly focusing on mindfulness and other therapy styles thrown in there too at times.

I will forever be thankful/grateful for the admission I had, especially to be under a different consultant (for COVID reasons they had to split things differently as they would usually do it by area but that wasn't possible at the time I was admitted) as her approach made a huge difference. I still remember one of the first things she said to me was that she couldn't believe/was that I had been placed on the SEED pathway and that she believed that I could be more than that, which honestly, gave me a little bit of hope (something that had been ripped apart and shredded by my usual consultant multiple times).

But back to now.... I have now been seeing a new therapist weekly (when possible) since February and, in a backwards way, I am so glad that L disappeared off the grid because the "support" I was going to be getting under the original plan was just sessions with her to do some self guided self help stuff, whereas with this therapist we have actually been doing some HELPFUL work. In terms of L, I think the last I was told she never returned to work and has now left the team (we have a sneaky feeling that she either had a complete break down or that it was due to too may complaints (mum called this a long time ago as she was not qualified for the role at all and was utterly useless), which, yeah, was strange to not get an ending as I had worked with her for a few years. Anyway, I've been doing SCHEMA therapy with this new lady (I'd not heard of it before) and at first I was a bit reluctant but it's been incredibly insightful. I continue to learn more about myself and the reasons why I may have gone down certain roads each session. HOWEVER. and this is a big however. There has been a bit of a snag in the rope.

In short, yes I have been engaging really well with the therapy side, my weight and physical health has only continued to deteriorate since i was discharged. We are talking classic kitty of slowly slipped backwards, nothing dramatic, nothing to make alarm bells go off or warrant a review, but it's not been good. Anorexia is screaming at me for saying all of this, it shouts "but you weigh so much more than when you were admitted, you are a complete fraud blah blah blah" which is all the same old boring drivel it always spews out. But basically Im in dangerous waters now in terms of losing therapy/not being able to engage with therapy properly if things dont improve. Ive been in classic stuck mode, getting so absorbed by the numbers and the bubble that AN offers, that I have been numb to it all. The HCA I was seeing was really trying to help me to make changes but she left a while ago (she was going back to train as a nurse) and since then I have had the odd appointment here and there (I think it fell to every 3 weeks for a while as there were no available appointments) with people trying to cover the clinic until someone else is hired for the role, which is far from ideal as they literally just do the necessary obs and send you on your way.

Okay that sounds like yet another excuse, which is probably is, but it's not been an easy ride since I left hospital to say the least.

BUT this past week things have begun to shift a little. I was honest with my therapist about the whole food/meal plan side of things and we actually spoke about how we can't focus on therapy things until I am in a more stable place, which is both really hard to hear but also exactly what I need to hear. I am actually being more open to change, which is a shift from where I was just a week ago. It is bloody painful, even just thinking about it all hurts/is exhausting and I am still very much in the darkness /struggling with it but there is now a little part of me that is screaming out and trying to be heard. There is a little part of me that WANTS to get out of this endless messy limbo that this relapse has been and wants to start stepping back into "recovery". There is part of me that wants a chance. And I've got to start listening to that side a little more.

I promise, the next update will be a little more positive Stay tuned.

[thoushallnotfall]

God Bless the Children of the Beast - Part 13

Previous // Masterlist

Pairing: The Dirt!Tommy Lee x Reader

Word Count: 2.7k

Notes: Sorry this took a minute to get out guys; it’s been a busy week! 

God so much happens in this update. We literally jump through like 3 years. 👀

Okay, so I'm changing some history here. (I'm mean I've already done that because, well, the movie did and that's what I'm following; but we're doing it again) I know Thaler took over after Doc, but since they cut him from the movie and made it kind of look like Nikki just sort of ran things, that's the angle I'm going with. 👍 Like I've literally been planning this from the get-go so I'm not changing it now.

Warnings: None

1990

A lot had happened in the last year.

Rehab had been a success for you and the boys, and you all had managed to stay sober through the recording of Dr. Feelgood–Motley Crue’s first number one album. Nikki had surprised you all and gotten married; and while Brandi seems like a genuinely nice girl, you were just glad to finally see your brother happy and committed to someone for a change. 

Still, not everything was going so well. 

You were back out on the road touring for the new album, and the band was feeling the strain. They had never toured without booze and drugs before, and it was clearly getting to them. Not only that, there was trouble at home for Vince and Tommy, and neither of the were handling it well.

Normally, they'd party their frustrations away–get drunk, do some drugs, then find some chicks to forget their wives with for a little while–but without that outlet to fall back on, they had to find other ways to cope. Vince took it out on his bandmates–usually choosing to argue with Nikki or Tommy–while Tommy chose to either argue with Vince, or bottle up his feelings entirely. Of course, they both still cheated, but without the drinks and drugs it apparently wasn’t enough of a release for them. You tried to talk to them about it, but they both brushed you off for one reason or another. 

Vince’s growing animosity with Nikki, and on occasion Tommy, made him start to keep you at arm’s length. He didn’t have a problem with you personally, but your closeness with the other two made it difficult for him to open up to you despite your efforts to talk to him. As time went on, he just kept pushing you further away, becoming more distant, and you worried just how far he would drift from you and the others before he would just disappear all together.

You and Tommy were just as close as always–closer even, since rehab helped you get past some of your old bullshit–he just didn’t want to talk about his problems with Heather. Part of the problem was that he didn’t totally understand what was wrong; what little he would say about it was that she was being ‘weird and distant’ and that she wasn’t answering his calls, so he didn’t really know enough to talk about. 

But you also thought part of him was just too scared to talk about it. Tommy had dreamed about true love his whole life, and he found it–it had probably never occurred to him that he could lose it. Things had always gone so well with Heather; for there to suddenly be signs of trouble brewing probably terrified him. You wanted to talk to him about it–comfort him, if you could–but if he didn’t want to talk about it, you didn’t want to force the issue.

Aside from the personal problems, there was also the issue of Nikki running the show. 

When Doc was fired, Nikki had taken over trying to manage the band alone. He wasn't doing an awful job, and you helped him out as much as he would let you given his control freak personality. Still, it was the cause of a lot of the fights between him and Vince.

—

You and the boys were sitting at a table in the middle of a strip club, drinking waters and looking miserable. A waitress walks by with a tray of lemon drops, offering you the shots. They look amazing, and you can just imagine the sweet and sour shot burning down your throat, but none of the boys had drank this tour and you weren’t about to be the first to fall off the wagon. Nikki sends her away with an order for another round of waters–Vince looking less than pleased. Trying to escape the tense atmosphere, you glance over your shoulder to look at Tommy. 

He was standing at the payphone, looking upset as he talks into the handpiece; Heather must still be dodging his calls. You stare at him a little longer–watch the frustration and confusion on his handsome face–and even though you should be happy that things weren’t going well, you couldn’t help but hurt for him. You didn’t want Tommy to be unhappy, no matter what the reason behind it.

“They’re keeping us on the road–15 new days in Canada.” Nikki says, bringing your attention back to the table.

“I haven’t seen anything about any new days.” Vince says, looking annoyed. Uh oh. This would end in another fight if Nikki wasn’t careful. 

“Check your itinerary man.” Nikki replies.

“I would, but apparently someone doesn’t think it’s important to let the lead fucking singer know what the fuck is going on here.” Vince snaps.

“I’ll get you a copy of the new itinerary Vince.” You reply, trying to deescalate the situation. Just then, Tommy plops down in the seat next to you.

“Guys I fucked up. Heather’s being all weird and distant and–I drank.” He says, looking ashamed. “Well, a little–I had one shot and I’m sorry.”

“I’m gonna have a fucking cocktail too man.” Vince says before you have a chance to respond. “What are you gonna do about it Nikki?”

“Okay look everyone falls off the wagon once and awhile–” Nikki replies.

“Oh fuck you man, fuck off! Fuck the rest of this tour! It is the no fucking fun tour, and I am sick and tired of not having any fun.” Vince shouts, standing up.

“Vince!” You call out to him as he walks off, but he ignores you.

“Just let him go y/n.” Tommy says as Nikki chases after him.

You watch as Nikki confronts Vince, who physically pushes Nikki away before taking a shot. Just like that, sobriety was out the window. Nikki comes back up and sits down.

“Shit.” He says, slumping in his seat.

“I’ll get him the itinerary when we get back Nikki, and we’ll sort this out, okay?” You say, trying to be supportive. “It was just one drink; he was just angry because he’s stressed out.”

“I can’t believe I forgot to send him the new fucking itinerary.” Nikki says.

“It’s fine, you’ve got a lot on your plate. Don’t stress about it; I’ll take care of it.” You reply. He looks over at you.

“You probably wouldn’t have forgotten.” Nikki muses, before sighing, hanging his head. “You’re right y/n, I do have a lot on my plate–too much, probably. I’ve been thinking for awhile now that I’m not really cut out for this manager shit–that I should probably hand over the reigns to someone whose better suited to the work so I can get back to just focusing on the music.” He lifts his head to look at you. “So what do you say? You wanna be our manager?” You stare at him like a deer in headlights.

“Excuse me?” You ask, stunned.

“You guys are cool with that, right?” Nikki asks, looking over at Tommy and Mick.

“Fuck yeah dude! That’s awesome.” Tommy says, smiling over at you. Even after everything, his smile made your heart race.

“About time if you ask me; she’s the obvious choice.” Mick says, taking a drink of his water, a smile playing on his lips.

“You really want me to be your manager?” You ask, looking back at Nikki.

“Yeah. You already have experience helping me and Doc, and I mean who’s better qualified to take care of us than you?” Nikki asks, smirking.

“You are uniquely qualified for the position–you’ve got nearly 10 years experience cleaning up our messes.” Mick jokes.

“I don’t know, I made a lot of those messes too.” You reply, smiling.

“Hell yeah you did!” Tommy says, raising his hand expectantly. You laugh, giving him a high-five.

“I’m just saying; yeah, maybe we could hire someone with more experience in management–but we could never find someone we trust more.” Nikki says, putting a hand on your shoulder. “You’ve been with Motley Crue from the very beginning–you deserve this–and we know you’ll always do what’s best for this band.” You had to stop yourself from tearing up.

“Okay, if everyone’s cool with this–I’ll do it.” You say, smiling from ear to ear. “But you have to talk to Vince about it too.”

“Yeah, yeah–I don’t see why he’d have a problem with it, but I’ll tell him tomorrow when I bring him that fucking itinerary.” He says, leaning back and smirking at you.

—

February 1992

The phone rang and rang, but there was no answer. You knew there wouldn’t be–Vince had become so flaky since Sharise had left. You look at the others, all looking pissed as you slowly hang up the phone.

“I’m telling you guys everything is fucking all upside down and flipped flopped and while we’re waiting for our lead singer to get his head out of his ass we’re getting left in the dust man!” Tommy says, standing behind his drumset. You sigh. “I’m just saying bands replace their frontmen and it still works okay? Van Halen–”

“I know Van Halen fucking did it cause you say that every single time Vince misses a fucking rehearsal.” Nikki snaps.

“Come on Tommy, he’s just going through a lot right now.” You try to reason with him. “Wouldn’t you be a little off your game if Heather left you?”

“Don’t even fucking say that man.” Tommy says.

“I mean, can’t you all just try and be a little empathetic for once? Please?” You ask.

“Whatever; just call the prick again.” Mick says. You sigh, making your way over to the phone, while Nikki moves over to the fax machine. You have a feeling you’re not going to be happy about the message he's about to send.

—

You’re working on some paperwork while the boys continue with rehearsal without Vince, when the blonde comes marching into the studio. 

“Someone want to tell me what the fuck is going on here?” Vince asks, clearly pissed.

“Let’s save us all some time, especially yours Vince as it’s clearly more valuable than ours!” Nikki snaps back. You stand up and move towards them.

“You’d better tell me what the fuck’s going on man.” Vince says again.

“What’s going on is we’re down here, and we’re working, and we wanna be here, but we are tired of forcing you to be here with us.” Nikki says.

“Maybe I’d come in more if I liked the material.” Vince jeers.

“Maybe you’d like the material if you were in the studio making it with us instead of staring at your fucking watch!” Tommy jumps up and shouts.

“Woah, let’s all calm down.” You say, getting between them.

“Yeah, I’m staring at my watch because this album is fucking stupid!” Vince yells back. There’s a silence as the boys all look at each other. “You know what fuck all y’all. You know, I’m done. Fuck this, I quit.”

“Vince!” You call after him as he makes his way to the door.

“Good, ‘cause you’re fucking fired!” Nikki yells back.

“Nikki!” You shout at your brother, looking between him and Vince.

“I quit already, dick.” Vince says, walking out. Nikki slams the door behind him. You look up at him, as the room fills with a heavy silence, the weight of what just happened hitting them. Before anyone has the chance to say anything, you quickly run out after Vince.

“Vince!” You called his name through the rain, but he was already getting into his car. You quickly make your way through the downpour and jump into the passenger’s seat before he can drive off.

“What the fuck?” He looks over at you in surprise.

“I couldn’t just let you leave before we talked.” You say, your wet hair dripping water on the leather of the seat as you look over at him.

“I’m not going back in there y/n–I’m done.” He says, looking out the windshield.

“So what, that’s it? Just like that? You’re just gonna walk away?” You ask, not even trying to hide the tears pooling in your eyes.

“It had to happen sometime y/n–we all knew this was coming.” He said, still not looking at you.

“It didn’t have to Vince–it still doesn’t. I can talk to them, I can–” He puts his hand on yours.

“It’s over y/n. Let it go.” Vince says, looking into your eyes. You feel a tear slide down your cheek.

“So now what?” You ask. “What are you gonna do?” He moves his hand away and looks back out the windshield.

“I don’t know. I’ve still got my racing–and hey, I could always try making it as a solo artist.” He smiles over at you. “You wouldn’t happen to know any good managers, would you?” You laugh.

“Oh the boys would hate that.” You reply.

“Fuck’m–it’s your life, do what you want.” Vince replies. “Just think it over and let me know, okay?”

“Yeah, okay. I’ll think about it.” You reply, reaching for the door handle. You stop, looking back at him. “And Vince, I just want you to know; no matter what happens–any of the drama or the bullshit that may come from this–you’re still my friend, okay? You’re important to me, and I love you.” Vince blushes, looking away.

“Yeah yeah, I love you too–now shut up and get out of my car.”

—

1993

You somehow convince the boys it would be fine if you manage them and Vince, and things for him were going fairly well. His first solo album, Exposed, was doing moderately well on the charts. Meanwhile, you were trying your best to deal with a Motley Crue without Vince Neil. John Corabi was brought in to be the new lead singer for the band, and while he was a good singer and a nice enough guy–he just wasn't Vince.

The fans knew it too. As much as Nikki and the others tried to promote John, everyone just wanted Vince back. Of course you did too, but what could you do? The band had succeeded because they were a group of stubborn fools who didn’t know when to give up, but that also meant they didn’t know how to back down from a fight–even when they knew they'd fucked up. No one wanted to admit they were wrong and come ‘crawling back’ to the other, so they were stuck in a stalemate.

—

You were sitting at home in your office, going over some paperwork for Vince, when you phone rings.

“Hello, y/n Sixx speaking.” You say absently as you continue reading over the paper in your hand.

“Y/N?” It was Tommy. He sounded upset. You set the paper down on the desk.

“Tommy? What’s wrong?”

“Y/N, I-I fucked up man, I fucked up so bad.” He stammers. “Fuck y/n, I, I–”

“Whoa, Tommy! Calm down.” You say, clutching the phone tightly. “Just tell me what happened.” 

“There was this fucking article–someone got pictures. Damn I’m so fucking stupid!” He shouts.

“Tommy, you’re not making any sense.” After a long stretch of silence, you hear a sob come through the line.

“Heather knows I cheated. She left me y/n–she’s kicking me out.” Your breath catches in your throat. 

A rush of emotions hits you like a freight train–too many to sort through at once. Anger, sadness, pity, illation, hope, guilt; each coming one after another. Anger at Tommy for cheating again. Sadness and pity at the pain he must be going through. Illation and hope because finally, finally, you might have a chance with him. And lastly guilt, that you would even consider your own feelings now, when he was in so much pain.

“Y/N?” Tommy calls out to you, snapping you out of your trance.

“Oh, oh god Tommy I’m so sorry.” You say, shaking your head to clear your thoughts. “Um, if, if you need somewhere to stay for awhile, you’re more than welcome to crash with me.” You offer.

“Really? You’re sure that’s cool?” He asks.

“Yeah of course.” You say. “It’ll be just like old times.” He laughs through a sob.

“Yeah, old times.” He repeats.

“You want me to come by? I can help you bring some stuff over.” You ask.

“Thanks y/n. God, what would I do without you?” He replies, and you smile to yourself.

You didn’t want to be this happy about Tommy’s marriage failing, but it had been seven years–seven long years, and you had given up hope of ever getting your chance with Tommy. 

Now, you might finally have one–a chance–and that thought alone nearly made your heart leap out of your chest. 

[failbaby]

I have a real life tale of Homeric Epic proportions for you all. I do not condone the actions of anyone in this story

My senior year of high school, I was entrenched in a preposterous scandal between two of my friends.

Guy 1 was this completely indescribable, sexually ambiguous, utterly ridiculous little xc/debate club twink who was an armed libertarian leftist, HYPERfixated on working class history, and VERY intelligent but so hyperactive and deliberately loud/obnoxious that all of our teachers hated him anyway. He called me “Rosita Bonita,” and was accepted to Princeton and CalTech but was going to a mid-tier school nearby because he didn’t want to leave the mountains. 🥺

Guy 2 was an extremely easygoing, widely-beloved football player with a FIANCÉ he’d been with for 3 years (religious people in small towns get engaged young) who was a devout environmentalist and was planning on going to trade school in Italy after graduation. No real reason, he just thought Italy was dope, which I respect. 

Both good guys, both weird

We were all the same friend group (me, the dudes, the fiancé, & several other ppl), and those two were really close. Like if I was slightly more heterosexual I would say “bromance.” The summer before senior year, those guys, another friend of ours, and the fiancé went on an educational environmental science trip to Peru, where they, like, hiked around and camped out in the mountains. I don’t know or care what they were supposed to be learning about the environment up there, I just know that they split their little group of 4 up into a boys tent and girls tent, and these two boys who the Lord God put on this earth to play high school sports started fucking each other in tents in the rocky mountains of Peru.

Which would normally be like, okay, so what, Rose, why are you telling me these dudes’ business, but you have to remember that the second dude had a fiancé, a female fiancé no less, who was on the trip and was sleeping just a few yards away from where these boys were fucking each other. And this is where it morphed into everyone’s business

My friend, the only member of their little group who was not involved, called me from a hotel one night when they’d gone back down out of the mountains and into a town (and thus had cell service again), and she was like, “Rose, you need to help me.”

And I was like “What? What’s wrong?” Panicking, because my four dear friends were very far away in a weird mountain town and I had no idea what could possibly have happened

And she goes “I think that [guy 1] and [guy 2] are having sex, and I don’t know how to tell [fiancé].”

This is news to me, because I was previously SO sure that guy 2 was straight. I was like “I really think you’re losing it”

So we talked it out a little bit and decided that the high altitude was getting to her, and our friend wouldn’t cheat on his fiancé, who he really loved, and our other friend wouldn’t sow division in our close-knit group like that

School started back up however long after they got back, and things were just like. Completely normal for a while, and then after like a month of the whole thing being forgotten and under the bridge, guy 1 becomes overwhelmed with guilt and decides to tell the fiancé that he was in fact fucking her beloved in the Peruvian mountains.

Now, this was a MAJOR blow to the law, serenity, and order of our group, as im sure you know if you’ve ever been involved in a situation where a member of a friend group was cheating with another member of a friend group. All of my friends are very progressive, so it was much more about the cheating and lying than the fact that they were both men, but I would be wrong to say that that was not also a concern, because it came so completely out of nowhere. We were all blindsided (except for my friend, who I had accidentally gaslit into believing this wasn’t happening and she was going crazy from mountain air 🤪)

So. This is where it gets wild

Guy 2 takes the logical path out and decides to just lie and say that this never happened at all. Like, he straight up denies everything guy 1 is alleging.

I don’t know why he did that. You should never lie about something if the other person has screenshots, which guy 1 did. He had screenshots like you would not BELIEVE.

And he IMMEDIATELY took to the public Internet, which my mother uses, with these screenshots.

A lot of people had heard rumors about this by now, because these guys were both athletes and guy 2 was like “popular” or whatever, so it just kinda gets around. Guy 1 decided to feed the people and send the screenshots to the school gossip IG acct (“____ high school tea”), and of course, the person running the page was THRILLED to have such top-tier content so early in the school year, and it was all posted for their 1,188 followers to see.

The screenshots told a story that ran much deeper than two dudes fucking each other on a field trip. I had initially kind of assumed was just a “gay-for-the-stay,” messing around kind of thing, but there were screenshots of texts from guy 2 about getting MARRIED, telling guy 1 that he was his SOULMATE, telling him he “set my heart to flame,” “I love you more than anything,” etc etc., and, most notably, a picture of guy 2 in the act of SUCKING GUY 1’s DICK. Some of these things dated from WEEKS AFTER they got back from Peru.

So, it was clear to me that guy 1 AND the fiancé both felt (justifiably?) extremely fucked over by guy 2 at this point. The previously-airtight group was on the verge of collapse, as all of us had been dragged into this conflict between these 3 mfs. The girl called off the engagement.

Guy 2 wrote a notes app apology to the entire school claiming he had dissociative identity disorder and blaming the entire affair on his gay alter ego. Then he wrote a sad rap begging his fiancé to get back with him.

But the most insane part of all of this is that, since guy 1 AND guy 2 were both 17 when the explicit pic was posted on “[redacted]hstea,” the POLICE got involved. Guy 1 was investigated on CHILD PORNOGRAPHY charges for a picture of him getting his own dick sucked by a peer, as was guy 2, AS WAS the person running the tea account.

(This tea account had ruined lives, so when her identity was revealed, she literally transferred schools within like a week. Or maybe she’s in jail idk)

The charges were dropped and the boys were let off with a warning, because like. From a legal standpoint, who cares, but we All had to go to an internet safety assembly run by cops where they lectured us for two hours about not taking nudies, and EVERYONE was looking at me and my friends, because even though we had nothing to do with it, they KNEW we were affiliated with the defendents, and that was enough for them

Then guy 1 shot out the back window of guy 2’s car, which was the catharsis of the whole event, and it effectively blew over within another month or two.

Our group was split in half by loyalty (we joked and said guy 2 and his fiancé were like our divorcing parents), and I did not see those two in a room together for SEVERAL months, but then there was one weekend in like February that we all got together like old times (except for the fiancé who had moved on to a better man, as she should), and we were talking about going to a party with some of guy 2’s football friends, and guy 1 was like “I’m not gonna do that. You know what they say about me.”

And guy 2 tucked guy 1’s hair behind his ear and said with ZERO hesitation, “But you know I won’t let anything happen to you.”

This is a completely benign interaction, but imagine being me, witnessing this after 8 months of general social hell, child pornography charges, ruined friendships, Megan is missing assemblies, THE most dramatic breakup I’ve ever seen in my life and subsequent SoundCloud raps, shot out car windows, and a fake DID diagnosis, ALL because guy 2 wanted to avoid allegations of gay behavior. For WHAT.

Anyway coronavirus happened and idk what’s going on with them now and I don’t care but that’s my villain origin story

[wolfpackimagines14]

Lizzie Swan - Chapter 2

Word Count - 2k

A/N: I am SO sorry this took so long to finish! I had an extreme case of writer’s block about halfway through and I finally finished it. I’m sorry for the abrupt ending of the chapter, I didn’t really know how to end it lol. Leave some comments or message me about any ideas you might have for the story! xoxo

The day that Bella went missing in the woods was the beginning of a long three months of depression for her, and therefore, dad and I as well. The Cullens had left and Edward had broken up with her on that walk just before she got lost.

She wouldn’t listen to music, she wouldn’t go out with her friends anymore, and she barely left her room for those first three months. She was definitely depressed, but our dad didn’t want to force her to see a doctor if she didn’t want to, no matter how many times that I brought it up.

The worst part was when she would start screaming in the middle of the night. She would always, without fail, wake up screaming and dad and I would take turns helping her. It was exhausting and I was barely getting any sleep. Even the nights when dad would help her I couldn’t get back to sleep right away.

Dad actually had a serious talk with her last night. He told her that if she didn’t start trying to get back to normal, he was going to send her to live with her mother in Florida. That had seemed to snap something in her because she went out with Jessica to the movies tonight. Dad had wanted me to tag along to keep an eye on her, but I had to work until 10 so that hadn’t been possible.

I got home before she did and if I hadn’t left my bedroom because I needed to use the bathroom at the very moment she got home I probably wouldn’t have seen or heard her come in. I had tried to make conversation about some customer at the restaurant, but she seemed even weirder than usual. But that was the first night in three months that she didn’t wake up screaming in the middle of the night.

It was the first good night’s sleep that I’d had in awhile and I woke up that Saturday morning feeling refreshed. That relieved feeling didn’t last however when Bella dragged me to Jacob Black’s house, but not without making a stop to buy two used and run down motorcycles. She wouldn’t even let me ask any questions.

The next month was spent going back and forth between Forks and La Push. We would go to school, then go to Jacob’s garage, and then Bella would drop me off at work. It was a pretty consistent schedule and I was grateful to Jacob for helping Bella get close to normal again.

There were still some times that she seemed sad again about Edward and the Cullens leaving, but for the most part she was alright. Except for her new craving for adrenaline she had developed. She had gone to the ER a few times just this month and dad was starting to get worried, but Bella’s new goal was to find some meadow in the woods that Edward had brought her to. Which seemed a lot safer than riding motorcycles.

Jacob didn’t really want to help as he wanted Bella to let go of Edward all together, but I thought it would be a good idea to find the meadow. I thought it might help her finally accept that he had left.

So while January had been a mostly blissful time in the Swan household, February brought some trouble. Bella had gone to the movies with Mike Newton and Jacob. It was an awkward combination of people, but I couldn’t tag along because I had to work that night. She had come home earlier than expected and said that Jacob wasn’t feeling well so they had called it a night.

That was the beginning of the craziness that changed my life forever. Jacob stopped answering Bella’s calls and Billy’s excuse of mono weren’t working anymore. She was angry at first, but then she just got sad again.

Jacob was starting to piss me off now. Bella had finally gotten back to normal and I had forgotten what it was like to not sleep all night due to her screaming, but with Jacob not speaking with her she was basically back to square one. It was like all that progress that she had made these past few months hadn’t ever happened.

So while Bella continued to try to call Jacob and had more and more sleepless nights, I continued going to school and work while also getting more and more sleepless nights. Finally, February came to an end. The shortest month of the year had definitely seemed like the longest in my mind.

The first Saturday of March was the day that Bella and I went out to find the meadow. I wasn’t about to let her go alone, so we went earlier in the day because I had work that afternoon. It was a long ass hike to that meadow.

“Bella,” I groaned for probably the tenth time that day. “Do you have any idea how much longer?”

“I have no idea,” she huffed out, definitely as out of breath as I was right now. “I don’t know exactly where it is… it’s been awhile.”

“It’s literally been two hours,” I responded, taking a quick pitstop to drink some water. “You hate hiking. How the hell did you do this last time?”

She didn’t respond and instead started walking again. I hung back for a second, chugging my water again before sighing and climbing the hill, where Bella had just disappeared from my line of sight.

“Bella?” I called out to her, but there wasn’t any response. I finished climbing the hill and finally the tree line broke and I saw what was once probably the beautiful meadow that Bella had spoken so highly of.

Bella seemed to be in shock as she kept looking around at the brown, empty field.

“Well,” I sighed. “It is the beginning of March. Not exactly the time for flowers to be in bloom.”

“I just didn’t think it would look like this,” she said, kneeling down to touch the dead grass.

“We can always come back in a month or two and it’ll be just like the last time you were here,” I offered to her, but she shook her head.

“It won’t ever be the same as the last time I was here,” she said softly, slowly standing up. She seemed like she was going to say something else, but she stopped short. She was staring at something behind me.

I slowly turned around and saw a man. He had long dreadlocks and seemed to be wearing a suit, with the jacket hanging open to reveal his bare chest. And he was not giving off a friendly vibe.

“Laurent?” Bella questioned the mysterious man. I whipped my head back around to look at her questioningly. Did she know this guy?

“Bella,” Laurent greeted my sister. “I didn’t expect to find you here.”

All of a sudden, he was standing much closer to Bella and I. It was like I blinked and he had suddenly made his way across the field. There was no way someone could move that fast. Who the fuck was this guy?

“I went to visit the Cullens,” Laurent continued as he started circling us like we were his prey. “But the house is empty. I’m surprised they left you behind. Aren’t you sort of a… pet of theirs?”

I reached out to grab Bella’s hand, both to comfort her and myself about the situation.

“Um,” Bella responded. “Something like that.”

“Do the Cullens visit often?” Laurent asked.

“... all the time,” Bella told him after a moment of silence. My breath hitched a little in my throat at her blatant lie. This wasn’t going to end well. “I’ll tell them you stopped by. I probably shouldn’t tell Edward… because he’s pretty protective. He might misinterpret this little get together.”

“Well he’d be right, if he were here,” he continued. “But he’s not, is he? He’s far away.”

“Why are you here?” Bella asked Laurent. She kept herself slightly in front of me as Laurent came to a stop.

“I came as a favor to Victoria,” he replied and Bella gripped my hand tighter. “She asked me to see if you were still under the protection of the Cullens, because Victoria is quite put out with you.”

I could barely think straight, my mind was going 100 miles an hour.

“Me?” Bella asked, alarmed now.

“Victoria thinks it’s only fair to kill Edward’s mate, given he killed hers,” Laurent said matter-of-factly. What the actual fuck was going on? Edward killed someone?

“Edward would know who did it!” Bella tried to warn him. “And he’d come after you.”

“I don’t think he will,” Laurent said, shaking his head. He was so close to us now that I could see his red eyes. “After all, how much could you have meant to him if he left you here unprotected. Victoria won’t be happy about me killing you, but I can’t help myself. You are so mouthwatering.”

“Is this your sister?” Laurent addressed me for the first time. “She smells almost as delectable as you. Perhaps I’ll kill her first and make you watch. That would please Victoria.”

“Please don’t!” Bella begged him. “You helped us…”

“Shh shh shh,” Laurent was suddenly right in front of us, shushing Bella with his hands. “Don’t be afraid. I’m doing you a kindness. Victoria plans on killing you slowly, painfully… I’ll make it quick.”

Laurent pushed Bella out of the way and I whimpered involuntarily when he grasped my face with one hand and then leant in to smell my neck. I tried to get away, but he was freakishly strong. I’d been asking who this man was, but I think the real question was what this guy was.

“I promise you will feel nothing…” he trailed off as he stepped back and his red eyes widened and fangs appeared in his mouth as he raised his hand to strike down on us.

Holy fuck, was he a vampire? That would’ve been my last thought before he killed me, if Laurent hadn’t froze at that moment.

“I don’t believe it,” he said to himself after he had turned to the side of us to look at the tree line. Bella and I looked where he was looking and waited in silence, listening to the rustling of the trees and the low growls of some large animal.

A large black animal that I can only describe as a wolf stepped through the trees, stalking towards the vampire that was threatening us. Even Bella looked shocked, so I knew this was a new discovery for her too.

As the first wolf aggressively growled, more wolves appeared from the tree line behind it. Laurent suddenly whipped around at an incalculable speed and was gone. The shock seemed to be getting to me because my knees buckled and I fell to the ground, my eyes locked on the ginormous wolves, specifically the dark silver one.

This wolf also couldn’t seem to take his eyes off of me. Our eyes were locked together, even as the other wolves left the clearing and ran after Laurent. The wolf seemed almost conflicted, if that were even possible.

But as Laurent started attacking the other wolves at the far end of the clearing, the silver wolf shook his head, as if to clear his thoughts, and ran after the others.

It was at that moment that I realized that Bella had been trying to get my attention.

“Lizzie!” she was screaming at me. “Elizabeth we have to go! We have to go now!”

“He was a vampire… wasn’t he?” I was rambling now. “Holy shit… was Edward a vampire, Bella!?”

“Now is not the time, Lizzie,” she was now shaking me by my shoulders. “We have to go. NOW!”

She was able to pull me to my feet and my fight or flight finally kicked in and my body chose flight. Bella and I held hands as we ran through the woods, running for our lives.

I may have been in shape considering the amount of running I did for soccer, but this was a whole different experience and by the time we got home, I was heaving, could barely breathe, and there were tears running down my face.

As Bella dealt with dad downstairs, I immediately ran to my room and locked the door.

Tags:

@ravenmoore14

@k-n-e

@oopsiedoopsie23

[emy-loves-you]

Wrong Numbers and Useless Gays Chapter 15

Sandwiches and Self-Jealousy

Chapter 14 | Masterlist | Chapter 16

Warnings: Jealousy, half-lying, mentions of abandonment issues

Virgil shot up, surprised by Janus slamming the door upstairs. He stared at his phone. What was he supposed to do? He’s been flirting with his 3 crushes as Anxiety, and they don’t know that he’s Anxiety. Virgil sighed, gathering up what courage he had left. Might as well gather intel.

V- (1:10 PM) You’ve been flirting with THE Anxiety?!?

L- (1:10 PM) More like he was flirting with us.

P- (1:11 PM) You know Anxiety, Kiddo?

V- (1:11 PM) Yeah, I’m a fan of his

V- (1:11 PM) Are you sure that he’s flirting? Last I heard he was dating his bandmates

L- (1:12 PM) He said that he was flirting with me, but I don’t think he means it as a romantic gesture. He seemed more interested in my consent than my unavailability.

V- (1:12 PM) Wait, why were you guys okay with each other flirting with strangers?

R- (1:13 PM) We might all have the teensiest tiny crush on him

Virgil felt his cheeks heat up. They all had crushes on Anxiety? What was Virgil supposed to do with that information? Should he ignore it? Or should he try and be more serious with them as Anxiety, to see if he has a chance as a rockstar instead of a faceless friend?

Virgil suddenly felt something stirring in his gut. It took a few moments to recognize the feeling: Jealousy. Virgil had been pining after his crushes for months. He was not losing his chance to a person they’d only known for a week. Sure, that person was also Virgil, but it was the principle of it, Dammit! Virgil thought about it. While it would be easier to date them as Anxiety, he’d much rather date them as Virgil. Maybe I can give myself a leg-up through Anxiety. Virgil thought about it for several more minutes. This could work. Finally smiling, Virgil turned back to his phone.

V- (1:20 PM) Okay, you guys wanna get closer to Anxiety?

V- (1:20 PM) How does VIP tickets to their next concert sound?

R- (1:21 PM) SERIOUSLY?!?

R- (1:21 PM) YES PLEASE!

P- (1:22 PM) You don’t have to, Kiddo!

V- (1:22 PM) The concert’s on February 17th. Consider it a Valentine’s Day gift from me to you guys.

L- (1:22 PM) The concert is in less than 3 weeks. How do you have VIP tickets? Were you intending on using them, Virgil?

V- (1:23 PM) No, I just know a few people

V- (1:23 PM) By the way, where did you find that album, Lo?

L- (1:23 PM) I am at home right now due to nasopharyngitis. A coworker of mine dropped this off as an early birthday present. He said that I might find it useful. I assume that he saw Anxiety visiting me at the library and recognized him.

Virgil sighed. He’d have to pay more attention. He’d dropped his guard down when interacting with them. He didn’t want anyone else recognizing him.

R- (1:25 PM) Well, I must take my leave. I have lunch with Anxiety today, so I will inform him of our situation.

P- (1:25 PM) DON’T TELL HIM ABOUT OUR CRUSH ON HIM!

R- (1:25 PM) I WON’T!

Virgil swore, getting up. He’d completely forgotten about his lunch with Hottie/Roman. He quickly grabbed his stuff before running out the door. He sent a quick text to Janus, telling him that he had left. He speed-walked to the sandwich shop that Roman liked, ordering the same sandwich that Roman ordered every time, as well as one for himself. Before he knew it, he was standing outside of the theatre, sandwiches in hand. He sat there, remembering what he wanted to say to Roman. Roman soon walked out, a nervous yet somewhat awe-struck look on his face.

Flirt Mode: Activated

“Hey, Hottie. Ready for sandwiches and banter?” Anxiety held out the sandwich, a teasing glint in his eyes.

“We need to talk.” Anxiety startled slightly. He knew that Roman wanted to talk to him about his identity, but he didn’t think that he’d be this direct.

“Sure, mind if we sit down? My back is killing me.” They sat down on the sidewalk, uncomfortable silence between them. Anxiety opened his mouth to break the tension. “So-”

“I know you’re Anxiety.” Roman’s voice was soft, softer than Anxiety ever remembered it being. He stared down at the concrete. “And I know that I’m not the only person that you’re flirting with. You’ve actually been flirting with my 2 boyfriends. I just thought you should know that I knew before we continued anything. I don’t want to trick you or lie to you.”

Anxiety felt a wave of guilt overcome him. He shouldn’t be leading them astray like this. But what could he say? Hey, I’m also the guy that’s been texting you for the past 7 months. Hope this doesn’t pressure you into liking me. Anxiety mentally shook his head. No, he couldn’t do that. But he also couldn’t fully lie to them. Maybe some half-lies would make it better?

“I already knew.” Roman’s eyes shot up.

“How? We just figured it out today!”

“Apparently you told my friend too. Unless he made up the exact same story when he asked for the VIP tickets?” There, Virgil can be Anxiety’s friend. Close enough to where it would make sense for Anxiety and Virgil to know things that they shouldn’t, while far enough to draw away suspicion.

Roman’s jaw dropped. “You know Virgil?”

Anxiety nodded, taking a bite out of his sandwich. “Mmhm. He’s a good friend of mine. He sometimes goes on tour with us.”

Before Anxiety could even blink, he suddenly had a face full of Roman. “What’s he like?”

Anxiety stared, dumbfounded. “What?”

Roman huffed, the light never leaving his eyes. “Virgil. What’s he like? I’ve been talking to him for months, but we’ve never met face-to-face. So, what’s he like?”

It took a few moments for Anxiety to talk again. He wanted to know about Virgil? Not the literal rockstar in front of him? “Well, he’s sarcastic, for one (yep). He likes to spend money on people he cares about (you, Logan, Patton). He bounced around the foster system for a while, but I don’t know why (why didn’t anyone want me?). He has really bad anxiety (hence the persona), so he doesn’t go to any of my concerts (not as Virgil). He talks about you a lot (I can’t stop myself. I bring at least one of you up in every conversation I have with J and Re).”

“He does?” He looked so… happy? Hopeful? Unsettled? Virgil couldn’t tell.

“Yeah, he’s always blabbering about what you said that day or what he’s planning on getting you (not a lie). So, now that you know what I think of him, now it’s your time to spill. Who’s Virgil to you?”

Roman suddenly had a strange look on his face. Anxiety couldn’t name the emotion in his eyes. “Virgil is… different. He has such a cynical view of the world, yet he still makes lighthearted puns. He’s doesn’t want to meet us in person, yet he spends so much money on us. He can’t bake for shit, and he sends adorable apology chocolates when he thinks we’re upset. He loves Halloween and Disney. He listens when we need someone to talk to, and he rambles off random facts when we need a distraction. He comforts Patton when he’s sad. He makes Logan laugh after a tiring day, even if Lo plays it off as exasperation. He calms me down when I think that the world’s against me.” He sighed. “I wish he trusted us enough to let us meet him. I respect his wishes, but it’s hard, y’know? Trusting someone that you’ve never met.”

Anxiety felt another wave of guilt, this one even stronger. He opened his mouth before thinking. “I’m sure he’ll open up to you soon.”

“Really?!” Roman looked up, with so much… joy, and hope, and that same emotion that Anxiety couldn’t name. He recognized it somewhere, but he couldn’t remember where.

Anxiety smirked, internally screaming. “Of course. You think I’d lie about something like that? He just needs to build up his confidence first. Once he does, he’ll be dying to meet ya.” His smirk softened to a half-smile. “And from what I’ve seen so far from you, Angel, and Starlight, he won’t be disappointed.” Anxiety checked the time on his phone. “Well, your lunch ends in 2 minutes, and I’ve gotta go. See ya later, Hottie.” And with that, Anxiety stood up and walked away.

Virgil was surprised that his comment about opening up didn’t make him feel guilty. Instead, he felt… relieved? Hopeful? He couldn’t tell. But it felt like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. I do have to tell them eventually. Might as well promise it. Pressure myself into actually doing it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taglist: @bisexualdisaster106 @self-taught-mess @itawalrus @arodynamic-enby @sanderssides-angst

[dubububbles]

SHINee scenario: s/o missunderstanding their actions and thinking they are breaking up with them

(scenario: S/o misunderstanding their actions thinking that they are breaking up with them but it's actually because shinee prepared a surprise for them. sorry for being confusing. english is bad)

Requested by anon

Onew:

With your birthday around the corner, Onew wanted to do something special for you and ultimately decided on a surprise party. Keeping secrets wasn’t exactly his strong suit, so in the days leading up to it he would avoid meeting or speaking to you at all. The two of you usually kept in touch every single day, so him suddenly ghosting you would confuse and worry you a lot. 

Did I do something wrong wrong? Is he breaking up with me? When your thoughts were eating you up you texted the other members for answers but they all told you the same thing, that Onew was just ‘busy’ and that nothing was wrong. It didn’t make any sense. 

Once your birthday arrived and there still wasn’t a word from him you honestly didn’t know what to think. You felt scared and heartbroken and locked yourself up in your apartment. Your friends tried to convince you to come to dinner with them but you refused. In fact, you wouldn’t even open the door so in the end they had to contact Onew. He hadn’t meant to see you before the actual surprise party but felt worried when your friends explained the situation. He knew your code-lock, so he could enter without a problem but would feel really bad as he found you in tears and realized his plan hadn't worked out the way he wanted. 

“y/n… I’m sorry.” 

You felt surprised but relieved to see him. “Onew? Why are you here? Why haven’t you returned any of my calls?” 

“I planned a surprise for you and was afraid that you would figure it out if we met in person. I’m really sorry… I didn’t think it would end up like this.” 

“A surprise? You… you’re not breaking up with me?” 

“What? No!” 

Onew was shocked that you would even consider that possibility and then pulled you into a hug to reassure you that was definitely not the case. He then briefly explained how he arranged a party for you at a small venue and that all your common friends were there at the moment, waiting for your arrival. Once you realized how wrong you had been about everything you felt relieved but also very embarrassed. 

“Did I ruin everything?” 

He shook his head. “You didn’t ruin anything y/n. Just pretend I didn’t tell you all of this and act surprised when we arrive, okay?” 

You managed to smile a bit at those words and nodded your head in response.

Jonghyun:

Jonghyun was a romantic soul, so when your one year anniversary was approaching, he felt very excited and wanted to make the most of it. You hadn’t really discussed how to celebrate so he thought he could arrange a surprise for you. In order to prepare for it, he told you he had a schedule abroad and would need to be away for a few days. It obviously disappointed you but since it was work-related, there was nothing you could do. 

You still expected a call from him on the day of your anniversary, or at least a small text, but didn’t hear anything. It made you feel sad and hurt and you couldn’t help but wonder if he had simply forgotten or if he just didn’t care. You sincerely hoped it wasn’t the latter, since the thought of your boyfriend not being interested in you anymore scared you a lot. You didn’t want to lose him. 

That same night you went to meet up with a friend for dinner but when you arrived, your friend was nowhere to be seen. You frowned to yourself and waited a bit more before sending a quick text to ask if she was running late or if something had come up. When you put your phone down and looked up again someone was approaching you, but it wasn’t the friend in question. 

“Jong?” You blinked in surprise, since as far as you knew he shouldn’t be back in Korea for another two days. “How… what—“ 

Jonghyun would cut you off with a long kiss, simply because he had yearned to do that for the past few days, and then pull away with a sweet smile.

“Happy anniversary y/n.” 

“You remember?” 

“Of course I remember. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?” he joked but you still felt confused. 

“But you didn’t call or text… you didn’t even tell me that you were here!” Once it dawned on you that he had essentially lied you frowned and gave him a small nudge. He still smiled, though, and simply took your hand in his and started walking. 

“I didn’t tell you for a reason y/n. It’s because I prepared something for you.” 

“Really? What?”

“Hm, you will see~” he sang teasingly and even if you kept asking he wouldn’t tell you anything. 

You later arrived at a hotel and to a suite he had booked and decorated in the most romantic way you could think of. He was cheesy like that at times, but it was one of the things you really loved about him. You also had a romantic dinner at the restaurant at the top of the hotel, where you could overlook the beautiful night view of the city. 

Key:

Your relationship with Key was a strong and loving one but you would also experience your fair share of arguing every now and again. It was usually over petty things or due to the fact that you could both be immensely stubborn but you would always solve it and make up fairly quickly afterwards. 

However, one evening, when you were meant to spend the night at his place, you got into a heated argument that ended with you storming out. You then spent the night in your own apartment by yourself and refused to answer his calls, since you needed time to calm down. 

The next day you had a lot of regret and anxiety about it all and tried to call him but he didn’t answer. It worried you that he was still angry or that he thought you had broken up with him, which was definitely not the case. Because even when you fought, you still loved and cared for him and the last thing you wanted was for you to part ways.

Things were silent throughout the day, until a text arrived from him in the evening.

‘Can you come over? I think we need to talk.’

The text literally made your heart drop. When people wanted to ‘talk’ it was like saying they wanted to break up and it scared you to death because it wasn’t what you wanted. Still, you quickly told him that you were on your way and hurried to get dressed and then head over there. 

The moment he opened the door you instantly attacked him in a hug. “I’m sorry!” 

“Oh? That’s what I was about to say...” He hugged you back despite his confusion but felt relieved you weren’t angry anymore. “I’m sorry y/n. I don’t like how we left things yesterday.”

“Me neither. I was angry but I don’t want us to break up…” 

“Break up?” he repeated and felt a bit worried. “Why do you think we would suddenly break up because of one fight?” 

“You said you wanted to ‘talk’? Isn’t that what people say when they want to break up with someone?” 

“I think you’ve been watching too many movies, y/n. That’s not why I wanted you to come.” He emitted a soft sigh and then simply pulled you towards the kitchen where he had prepared for a romantic dinner, with dimmed lights, candles and everything. Key wasn’t exactly the cheesy romantic type, so you realized he was putting in all this effort for you. It made you happy and you attacked him in another hug, but this time to thank him.

Minho:

It was February and just a week away from Valentine's day. It made you feel a bit nervous, since you weren’t familiar with celebrating it and didn’t know what couples would usually do. You decided to ask Minho about it but he was basically as lost as you. In the end, you decided to keep it simple and have dinner at one of your favorite restaurants. 

Once the day got closer, Minho told you he actually had work, so he couldn’t be with you for the full day but he would be free in the evening, so you didn’t have to cancel your dinner. It didn’t come as a surprise to you, knowing he was somewhat of a workaholic at times. It also worked out well, since you would have the full day to look for a gift. Your boyfriend wasn’t easy to shop for so it took you a long time to finally pick something out but when you had, you felt very excited for the night to come. 

However, that all changed when you were on your way out of the store and suddenly spotted your boyfriend together with a woman that you didn’t recognize. She was tall and pretty and the two of them looked like a couple straight out of a romantic drama. They were talking about something, while smiling, and the woman also pulled your Minho’s sleeve to show him another item in the store. 

You didn’t want to see more after that so you quickly left and honestly didn’t know what to think. The only scenario you could think of was that he had found interest in that woman and that he was going to break up with you because of it. It hurt and made the rest of your day a living nightmare, so when it was time to meet up with him, you didn’t know if you even wanted to show up. You decided to do so but with the sole purpose of confronting him. 

He was already waiting outside of the restaurant when you arrived and could instantly tell that something was off, especially when you didn’t greet him with a hug or a kiss, as you normally would. 

“Is something wrong y/n?”

You just sighed and then told him about what you had seen at the jewelry store but when you felt the tears build up in your eyes you stopped and turned away. You didn’t want to cry in front of him but you soon felt his hand grab yours and turn you back around.

“I lied about having work today but it’s not what you think y/n. I wanted to get you a special gift and asked my cousin to help me, since I thought she would know what a girl likes.” 

“Cousin?” you repeated and felt a heavy stone being lifted off your chest. “She is your cousin?” 

Minho nodded with a sincere look and you then hugged him with a sigh and felt stupid for even considering the idea that he was going to leave you for someone else. 

“I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry y/n. I never mean to give you the wrong idea. You know that I love you more than anything.”

Taemin:

You and Taemin had been dating for a while and grown very close and supportive of one another. Whenever either of you had an advance in your career or an accomplishment you were proud of, you would find ways to celebrate. So, when both of you had successful comebacks around the same time you made plans to meet up once your promotions were wrapped up. 

Since you had both been very busy and not seen each other in a while you definitely looked forward to it. But on the day that you were meant to meet, your boyfriend told you that he was going to have dinner with some of his back-up dancers and staff members, which made you feel a bit disappointed. 

You didn’t tell him that, since you didn’t want to seem like a bad girlfriend but inside you just couldn’t help but feel a bit hurt and frustrated. After all, he was basically standing you up to hang out with other people, even when the two of you had made plans first. You didn’t get to see each other often to begin with and now he didn’t even want to meet when you had made time for it. 

Despite your attempts to distract yourself or think of something else, you couldn’t get rid of the bad thoughts in your head. Thoughts about how Taemin didn’t like you or care for you, like you did for him, or thoughts that you weren’t good enough or that he was going to break up with you. 

You returned to your apartment that night with a somber expression and most of all wanted to curl up on the couch and binge watch a drama to make yourself feel better. But the moment you stepped through the door you were surprised to suddenly be greeted by some of your close friends, the other SHINee members and also, Taemin. He approached you with a smile but then noticed your teary eyes and became worried. 

“What’s wrong? Do you not like the surprise?” 

“No, it’s just… I thought you were going to have dinner with your staff members?” 

“Ah, well… I lied.” he said with a small mischievous smile. “I thought you would be more surprised if you didn’t expect anything.” 

At first you felt relieved but then you also felt a bit silly for your bad thoughts. Thankfully, they all disappeared quickly when you realize the lengths Taemin had gone to just to surprise you and make you happy. You then hugged him tightly and placed a quick kiss on his lips, since you felt a bit shy with everyone else watching you. 

“I love the surprise. Thank you so much Taemin.”

[anoutlandishfanfic]

Metamorphosis Chapter 25: In the Womb of the Earth.

*waves at all y’all collectively* I CAME BACK LIKE I SAID I WOULD!!!

So, I started this chapter way back in November/December (read: after the previous chapter posted) and then everything fell apart. My health took a nosedive (I’m having surgery day after tomorrow) and I was literally focused on getting thru the day and surviving work and my brain couldn’t function on the level I needed it to to write this chapter. Things have gotten a little better (soon to be a LOT better) and I managed to crank this one out!

Special thanks to @thefraserwitch for the constant stream of texts that inspired a whole heckuva lot and to @diversemediums for being the confirming POST IT voice that I seem to always need in my life. Y’all rock.

BUT ANYWAY HERES THE DEETS

The Premise: What if Claire had conceived on her wedding night to Jamie?

You can find the previous chapter here (Part One / Part Two) if you need to catch up (I wouldn’t blame you). You can also find the master list of the whole fic here on Tumblr or its also current on AO3.

___________________________________________

February 20th, 1744; The Abbey, Scotland.

“I’m fine,” I glared at Jamie and pointed to our chamber’s door for good measure, insisting, “Go.”

He made no move to do so, his auburn brows bunched together in concern instead as he observed, “Ye’re lookin’ a bit green aboot the gills, Sassenach.”

“I’m just tired,” I hedged.

It certainly wasn’t a lie.

We’d sail with the next morning’s tide and the knowledge had everyone on edge. No one had slept well the night before, nor had anyone high hopes of the day passing quickly. Time seemed to stretch on forever now that the end was in sight and my husband’s nervous presence — though well intended — was becoming insufferable.

“Can I help ye back into bed, a’ least?” he offered. “Do ye think you could sleep a wee bit?”

I contemplated this, then turned my gaze to my usual chair by the fire. It was a worn out sort — overstuffed to the point that it made reclining bliss — with a low footstool to accommodate my swollen ankles.

Did I want to lay down completely… or just sit a while?

A wave of bone-aching fatigue washed over me, but my brain rattled off all the things that still needed to be done before we left.

How many more linens would Brother Erastus let me turn into nappies?

Brother Nathaniel said he’d see to the food stores for the journey, but I wanted to inspect them yet today… so I’d have time to repack should I need to.

Come to that, were our things packed?

I winced, knowing I’d think of a dozen more things my weary mind had forgotten once I got started.

Maybe I would just sit a bit.

A decidedly Scottish noise broke into my thoughts as a warm hand slipped around mine, gently leading me towards the edge of the bed.

I opened my mouth to protest but stopped as he eased me onto the soft mattress, swinging my feet up and helping me roll onto my left side. I grabbed for all the available pillows — gleefully seizing Jamie’s — and was soon completely ensconced.

Bloody hell, this feels amazing.

I heard a rumble of laughter from above me and lifted my face for a kiss, Jamie happily obliging.

“Sleep well, my hen,” he crooned, his thumb gently stroking my cheek as his lips hovered just above mine.

I realized that I really must look something like a mother hen tucked up in her nest and a slow smile spread across my face as I kissed him again.

“I willna be gone long,” he assured me a moment later when we came up for air. “Jus’ to see Murtagh about the carriage, aye?”

“Take your time… I’m not going anywhere.”

…

Jerking awake to the sound of the door bouncing off the wall, I caught a rather undignified squeal of alarm just before it left my lips as I was yanked from a deep, numbing sleep and thrust unceremoniously into the land of the living.

I lifted my head from the pillow and discovered I was no longer alone in the room, but now in the middle of a veritable bear pit. Loud, male declarations of Herself’s safe arrival and that there’d been nae trouble aboot the matter at all only muddied the waters as I blinked groggily, hastily looking for my husband amid the array of kilts and breeks.

“Aye, place it there,” came his voice, followed by a muffled thud as they did so, and I dropped my head back down onto the pillow.

He was here. He obviously had things — whatever the hell they may be — well in hand. If I were needed, he certainly knew where to find me.

My hand slid up between the sheets and I lifted it to my face, rubbing my heavy eyes as I tried to place what on earth they could be talking about. Why they couldn’t use proper nouns in this godforsaken country like any other civilized people was beyond me.

The movement accomplished nothing except to wake the rest of my body up, settling a dull, pulsating throb in the depths of my skull and my hip to aching with such a veracity that I could have sworn my fall in the Theive’s Hole had been yesterday, not four months ago.

“Jamie?” I called and the room fell instantly silent as they all quite suddenly remembered my presence.

My voice had sounded pitiful, even to my own ears, but I didn’t care. I needed him to explain what the hell was going on and get the rest of these men out of my room… and he’d better do it quick.

“Och, I’m sorry to be wakin’ ye, lass!” Willie’s voice was the first to profess from somewhere at the back of the crowd, “Tis only tha’ we thought ye’d be wantin’ to ken wha—“

But Jamie immediately pushed through the throng and succinctly cut him off, his face drawn with concern as he nearly threw himself onto the floor at the side of the bed. I reached for him and he bent over me, kissing my brow softly as he apologized profusely, “Christ, I’m sorry, lass!”

My abject confusion over the situation must have been evident, for he continued on without letting me speak.

“Lady Drummohr sends you her good wishes, mo nighean donn… She says she hopes she’ll see you at dinner but understands if you dinna feel up to it… Says she remembers bein’ this far wi’ her own bairns an’ wouldna blame ye if he didna leave yer chamber this evenin’... I’ll give her your thanks, aye?”

I shook my head, dismissing both the notion that I was so feeble that couldn't leave my room and the cancellation of the opportunity to see a real, bonafide mother in the flesh for the first time since arriving at the abbey ten weeks ago.

“What is that?” I scowled vaguely in Murtagh’s direction, where a good sized trunk lay at the man’s feet. He stood beside Jamie with the barest hint of a smile beneath his heavy beard and I knew something was up.

I may have a name to go with the who but I still hadn’t the foggiest idea of the what.

“Aye, tis from the Lady,” Jamie continued, his face brightening with excitement. “She said she didna ken how much you were able to take awa’ with you, so she brought some things you may be needin’ for yourself an’ the bairns.”

“Oh, Jamie…”

All of the air left my lungs in a mighty whoosh as everything came rushing back to me.

We would, indeed, be sailing to France, but first we would have to successfully make it aboard the ship.

There were at least half a dozen of His Majesty’s finest dragoons stationed in the village just outside the abbey and positioned at strategic points between here and the harbor. We would need to fool every single one of them… and Dougal had found a perfect cover for us in one Lady Margaret Grant of Drummohr. Hailing from Dalkeith, a good three days' ride away, she would not be recognized as anything other than a traveling woman of good repute.

I could then take her place with a nom de guerre of my choosing, with Jamie and Murtagh trading places with two of her footmen, and we’d safely ride to the harbor in our luxurious borrowed carriage. Should we be stopped leaving the abbey — and heaven forbid we would — I could explain in my blatantly British accent that I was sailing for Le Havre where I would be meeting my merchant marine husband.

But I hadn’t counted on Lady Margaret being generous above and beyond her arrangement with Dougal.

My free hand lifted to my lips, my fingers trembling as Jamie undid the latch and opened the trunk. He lifted out a small quilt and placed it on the coverlet before me, then froze as he spotted the fragile contents below.

“Oh God, Claire,” Jamie wheezed, immobile at the sight of four tiny baby gowns.

I reached out blindly through sudden tears, needing to touch the garments — to touch him — and was rewarded with both. His arms wrapped around me again, his head dipping into the curve of my neck as the tips of my fingers reverently traced the swirls of thistles and leaves around the neck of one gown.

“I don’t... I didn’t have any clothes for them,” I swallowed hard, trying to tramp down the feeling of complete and utter inadequacy, “Jamie, I barely have nappies for them to shit it, how the hell am I supposed to be a mother to them?!”

His head lifted and his blue eyes — so completely calm, damn him — focused on mine, one corner of his mouth lifting in a slight smile as he assured, “We’ll manage it, mo nighean donn… There’s the both of us, aye? I’ll no’ be lettin’ ye fall.”

I kissed him then, pulling him closer in desperate urgency. His lips met mine and anchored me to him, holding me fast as I tried to make sense of the storm building around me.

“I’ve got you,” he crooned, pressing my head against his chest when we came up for air.

I concentrated on the sound of his pulse, the rhythm of his heartbeat against my cheek, and slowly felt clarity return to me.

“What else is in there?” I sniffed.

His arms loosened around me and he peered over the edge of the trunk a moment.

“More wee things for the bairns… but I think this one’s for you, Sassenach.”

With this he let go, retrieving a bodice and woolen skirt dyed a deep navy blue from the depths of the wooden chest.

“Well, it certainly wouldn’t fit you,” I grinned and took it from him.

He grunted good naturedly at my jest and obediently bent his head for a closer look when I shoved the bodice back into his lap, cheering with delight.

“Oh, aye,” he nodded appreciatively, yet his voice held that hollow tone of disproportionate earnest. “Tha’ll do verra nicely for you, Sassenach.”

I rose one brow at him, “You have no idea why I’m excited about it, do you?”

“Aye, well… tis a new frock, isn’t it? An’ a bonnie one a’ that,” his grin turned sheepish as he confessed.

I lunged for him, meaning to poke him between the ribs, but he caught my hands well in time and I laughed.

“The boning, the lacing of it,” I nodded towards the bodice, “It’s made for mothers!”

“Oh, aye?” his brows shot up at this and he dropped my hands in order to take a second, proper look.

I began to examine the waistband of the matching skirt as he did so and very much liked what I found.

“So’s this,” I continued. “I can wear it now and continue to after they’re here.”

He handed it back with a greater appreciation, his gaze growing wistful, “Did Jenny’s gowns have such things?”

I nodded, fighting back my gut-wrenching yearning for Jamie’s elder sister. It was always there, brooding under the surface as I contemplated our life to come. I didn’t have much of anything in the way of worldly goods, but what I did have, I’d gladly give to have her with us.

“We may be leaving Scotland at dawn,” I whispered hoarsely, then swallowed hard in order to continue, “but I know we’ll be back… I just know it. You children will see their birthright. I promise you.”

He leaned forward and kissed me softly, the promise of his body, of his protection and undying love echoing my own.

Leaning back after a moment with a sigh, his gaze fell on the tiny baby gowns and his eyes took on a light of complete wonder.

“I havena held a bairn in a verra long time,” his voice was deeper than usual, husky with longing to take his own children into his arms. “I ken they’ll be wee… but, a dhia, Sorcha, I forgot just how much so.”

I draped the gowns over the swell of our children and brought his hand to the place where one insisted on causing a disturbance within me.

Nodding, I pressed hard against them, urging them to respond to us, “But they’re strong.”

“Aye,” he brought his lips to mine as his children proved my point emphatically, “Just like their mother.”

…

Later That Evening

Dinner had been delightful, though we’d still excused ourselves as soon as was appropriate, citing our early departure.

But in truth, I had only one destination in mind.

The hot spring.

I shut the door of our chamber behind us with a grin and leaned against it, insisting abruptly, “Take off your clothes.”

Jamie started visibly then burst out laughing as he sat down hard upon the bed.

“Oh, aye?” He rose a brow when he could finally speak, his shoulders still shaking, “Is tha’ how it’s goin’ to be?”

Heat rose to my cheeks as I shook my head in mock derision, reaching over to the nearly empty chest of drawers and withdrawing two homespun robes of a deep chestnut hue. I tossed one to him and his amusement turned to curiosity.

“I want to show you something,” I blurted, not wanting to give away the surprise and yet needing to get him out of the room somehow.

Both brows rose nearly to his hairline as he looked at me skeptically.

“An’ I must wear this?”

I undid the lacing of my new bodice, commenting, “We both are.”

“Ye’re delirious, Sassenach,” Jamie shook his head. “Ye canna be tellin’ me ye mean to wander about in nothin’ but that?”

“Well,” my blush rose considerably and I wished he’d just put on the damn thing and be done with it already, “it covers more than you’d think… and I stick to the shadows.”

“Ye’ve done this before?!”

The incredulity of the idea had him back on his feet in an instant, a fire burning bright in his eyes.

“I have,” my chin rose defiantly, “and I plan on doing it one last time before we go.”

A slow grin spread across his face, the indignation in his eyes melting into unfettered requirement.

“With me?”

“Of course with you,” I snorted, shoving his robe against his chest. “Just put the bloody thing on, will you?”

He did so immediately, then helped me in turn, all the while his grin permanently splitting his face in two.

“Good,” I appraised him, adjusting the belt around my waist more securely.

“Shall we go, then?”

Jamie rose a brow at this and opened the door, bowing low over his hand as he gestured into the deep shadows of the hall.

Slipping my hand into the crook of his arm, we made our way wordlessly along the dark passageways. We turned this way and that, the slope of the floor slowly dipping as we got closer. Finally reaching the door to the passageway, I opened it and sighed with relief as I found the sconces already lit.

We continued on for some time and eventually had to walk single file as the tunnel narrowed.

“Are ye sure ye ken where we’re goin’?” Jamie asked skeptically from behind me, his frown evident in the darkness.

I suppressed a laugh and brushed the tips of my fingers along the solid rock wall, “Well, there’s no chance of us taking a wrong turn, now is there?”

The tunnel was dimly lit and full of twists and turns, but held no offshoots or forks of any sort. It simply led to our destination, which was the only reason the brothers let me travel to and fro unattended. There was absolutely no chance of me getting lost underground as I traversed completely naked beneath my borrowed robe.

Brother Jeremiah had introduced me to the abbey’s restorative hot springs during the long weeks of Jamie’s recovery. I could slip away and find relief for a few hours as Murtagh watched over our beloved charge. The warm buoyancy of the water relieved the pressure of the lives within me, rewinding time to give my body back to me. The quiet solitude soothed my frazzled nerves and slowly healed the mental and emotional wounds inflicted by the horrible ordeal we had all just gone through.

The heat of the spring wafted towards us quite suddenly and a shiver of excitement ran up my spine, raising gooseflesh in its wake.

“We’re almost there,” I assured him unnecessarily.

The light of the cavern was discernible before us — bless the brothers for preparing it for us — and Jamie now could see it for himself. We continued on a few paces more and then we stood in the midst of the gaping cavern. Sconces were positioned here and there between us and the shore, attempting to illuminate the void, but great gaps of darkness stood beyond and it was clear that the space was a good deal larger than either of us could imagine.

I let out a sigh of absolute delight, so relieved to finally be here, and asked, “Do you like it?”

Jamie didn’t answer but looked around with his mouth agape. I knew the feeling fell, but my eagerness to be within the pool had me disrobing before my poor husband knew what was happening. I had one foot in when his voice stopped me.

“Christ, Sassenach,” he burst in delight, “‘tis a hot spring!”

I laughed and continued my descent down the carved stone steps.

“Oh, you do. Good,” I grinned and reached the bottom. “Do come in, then.”

Jamie shed his robe, but kept a firm hold of his skepticism, asking from the top of the stairs, “How hot is it? Should ye be bathin’ in it in yer condition, Sassenach?”

I shook my head, my curls splaying this way and that on the surface of the water, and I rolled my eyes.

If he only knew how bloody amazing it feels in here.

The muscles of my lower back had immediately relaxed upon contact with the water, my hips loosened and my breathing eased. They seemed to like it too, for they tumbled with delight at the first and then settled into a blissful slumber. I could walk slowly about, stretching my long limbs without the strain of gravity. Or I sometimes lay my arms on the stone ledge of the shore, resting my head atop them as I let my legs float out from beneath me… levitating weightless in the water.

“It gets hotter the further out you go,” I assured him, gesturing vaguely into the darkness. “I stay over here in the shallows and I’m just fine… it's like a splendid bath that never grows cold.”

He continued in, the water slowly swallowing him up as he joined me. The awe was back in his eyes, now seeing and feeling for himself what a splendid thing this was. He wiggled his toes in the clean, black sand at the bottom of the pool, sending pulsating currents over my own. The surface looked deceptively still, but there were small currents here and there if you knew where to find them… the pulse of the living, breathing spring.

Jamie turned to grin at me in the darkness, his teeth flashing white in the sconces’ flickering light.

“Christ, Sassenach,” he repeated and shook his head, completely at a loss.

I laughed, “You approve, then?”

“Oh, aye,” he insisted, looking ‘round excitedly. “I do, indeed.”

Jamie bounced on his toes slightly as he squinted out into the darkness.

“How far does it go?”

“I’m not sure,” I shrugged. “It got too hot for me.”

He nodded with an adorable sense of determination and I knew he was out to explore this oasis I had just introduced him to. He started to move away but I touched his arm, stopping him for a moment.

“Be careful, alright?”

His face melted and he leaned back in for a kiss, nudging my nose with his, “Aye, I’ll keep an eye for any wee beasties.”

“Any big ones too.”

“Mmm,” he kissed me again, “I think we’re quite safe, m ’ionmhas. Though, tis a shame we left our pet selkie behind, hmm?”

I laughed and shoved him away, letting him explore to his heart’s content. I could hear him splash this way and that, muttering to himself, but was surprised when he returned shortly after he left.

“Nothing out there?”

He snorted, “Entirely too much that I canna see… and you’re right, tis a good deal hotter out there.”

His skin was delightfully warm as I slipped my arms around his neck with a sigh. Resting my cheek against his chest, I let my feet float out beneath me. He towed me slowly around the edge of the pool, the water rippling over my legs and abdomen feeling remarkably like his caressing hands. I became warmer and more aroused by the moment, the tips of my sensitive breasts brushed against his chest and set off fireworks deep within me.

He found the man-made niche cut into the wall that I liked to frequent and sat on the wooden bench, pulling me to sit sideways on his lap. I knew there was plenty of room for both of us on it and pushed him backwards as I moved to straddle him. The eager glow in his eyes set me afire as I settled myself more comfortably, treasuring him for a moment before guiding him home. The accompanying inrush of hot water surprised me for a brief moment, but I soon found it incredibly exhilarating and settled myself with a sigh of pleasure.

“Oh, I like that one,” he purred.

I blinked at him stupidly and asked, “Like what?”

“That sound you made,” he explained, the delight evident in his eyes, “the wee squeak.”

I didn’t think it was possible to blush — I knew my skin was already flushed to the point of beet red — and I found myself dropping my gaze, hoping my hair would fall in my face and hide my embarrassment.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to be noisy.”

Jamie tipped my chin up, brushing the curls from my brow as he insisted gently, “I said I like it.”

I nodded, not entirely sure what to say to that and found I didn’t have to, for he continued.

“And I do… ‘tis one of the things I like best about bedding you, Sassenach,” he grinned, “the small noises that you make.”

He cradled my head in his hands, kissing me with an urgency that made me forget myself once more, and shifted his hips just so beneath me. I half stifled a gasp and he commented softly, “Aye, like that.”

“That's what I thought most about,” Jamie murmured, his hands slowly caressing my back, curving around to cup my breasts, to frame the swell of our children.

“In prison, at night… chained in a room with dozens of other men, listening to the snoring and farting and groaning. I thought of those small, tender sounds that you make when I love you… and I could feel you there next to me in the dark, breathing soft and then faster, and the little grunt that you give when I first take you, as though you were settling yourself to your job.”

My breathing was certainly coming faster now, my head light. Had it not been for my rather firm hold of him down below the surface, I was sure I would have floated far away into oblivion.

“Even better,” his lips brushed against my neck, sending a shiver of delight up and down my spine, “when I come to you fierce and wanting... and ye wimper under me and struggle as though you’re struggling to get away, and I know ‘tis only that you’re struggling to come closer... and I’m fighting the same fight.”

His hands sank to my hips, slipping between us to caress the stretched and yearning point of our joining. I quivered and my breath went from me in an unwilled gasp.

“Or when I come to you needing… and you take me into you with a sigh and that quiet hum like a hive of bees in the sun,” a sweet smile played at his lips, “and ye carry me into peace with a little moaning sound.”

“Jamie,” I hoarsely whispered, my need nearly strangling me. “Jamie, please.”

He kissed me soundly as his hands settled around my waist, slowing me until I groaned around his lips.

“Not yet. We’ve time, mo chridhe,” he calmly answered. “I mean to hear ye groan like that again… to moan and sob, though ye dinna wish to, for ye canna help it… I mean to make you sigh as though your heart would break and scream with the wanting...  and at last to cry out in my arms… and I shall know I’ve served you well.”

With that, my release overtook me, shooting like a dart into the depths of my belly. It loosened my joints so that my arms slipped limp off his shoulders, Jamie’s steadying hands all that kept me from drowning.

Resting my head against his chest, I felt boneless as a jellyfish. I didn’t know — or care — what sort of noises I’d been making, but felt incapable of coherent speech.

That is, until he began to move again... strong as a shark under the water.

“Oh God, no,” I protested. “Jamie, no. I can’t bear it like that again.”

The blood was still pounding in my fingertips and his movement inside me was an exquisite torture.

“You can… for I love you,” his lips brushed against my neck. “And you will, for I want you… but, dinna fash, for this time I go with you.”

Bloody hell, you’re coming with me, I vowed.

I lifted my hands to his chest and splayed my fingers wide, still trembling as I pressed my palms against his slippery skin. Sliding my hands up, I took hold of his shoulders and shoved him the couple inches backwards into the stone wall of the niche with all the strength I could muster.

Jamie’s eyes flew open in surprise and the arousal I found there was the second wind I needed.

His brows rose suggestively and I sat back — settling myself to my business, as he had so eloquently stated before. His hands settled at my waist, curving round to clenching my buttocks tightly as I rode him towards oblivion.

A low groan rumbled within him and I cupped one hand beneath his head, pulling back up to me by the scruff of his neck. I was rewarded with a Christ, Claire and kissed him hard as I sank even deeper. It wouldn’t — couldn’t — be long now for either of us and with that knowledge, I tossed restraint to the wind.

“You are mine,” I repeated, the final vowel twisting into a cry of pure ecstacy.

I heard his own cry and I knew I had served him well.

[intothewickedwood]

Once Upon A Time Rewatch: 5x12 Souls of the Departed

Currently reading (well, listening) to The School for Good and Evil Series. It’s so good! It’s basically Wicked the Musical and has a fairy tale element like OUAT. Can’t recommend enough!

I had the weirdest dream last night that Ouat’s Gothel was hiding behind my bed at my old house trying to scare me. She stayed up all night with some blankets, waiting to pounce. Also, she was naked. Jesus Christ, wtf is wrong with my dreams?! I do not see Gothel in that way at all!! I was so freaking disturbed! @fairytalepsuedonym​ this is all your fault for putting that dirty hippie witch bitch on my mind lol xD! /jk

Also guys, we’re getting Disney+ today. I’m so excited! Let me know if anyone has any recommendations.

And you know what I just thought of? It looked like they were implying that Merida and Lord Macintosh were gonna be a thing (possibly? I think it’s up for interpretation) but he outright shot an arrow at one of her brothers and wanted the others dead too. Merida would never! Her brothers mean too much to her to forgive such a thing. Also, she gives me gay vibes. I don’t make the rules. Alistair makes all the rules. 

Back to the rewatch.

Oh yeah! This is the 100th episode! The compilation for 100 episodes was so freaking epic!

Neal! Is that really him though?

She’s staring at his lips lol!

Omg! Emma would have come back for Neal if she could. That means she believes they were true love, and she could have split her heart with him, right?

So, he appeared to her? 

Omg! The way Emma is stroking his face and is staring at him, you’d never know she was working on saving her boyfriend lol.

You know what would have been so much better? If the underworld was perpetually dark and foggy (within reason) like the sims 4 Forgotten Hollow. That would have looked so much cooler!

Here comes the red filter. As a gifmaker and even as a viewer I wanna scream every time I see it but at least it’s not the Dark Swan arc.

I said it before and I’ll say it again: they should have let Regina’s and maybe even Rumple’s victims confront them! That would have been interesting to watch play out. I know we got Regina’s dad and Peter Pan but give me a family of Regina’s slaughtered villagers. What would their reaction be to seeing her?

Eww. I hate the way she dips her finger in that pie.

Guys. It doesn’t matter that you have Regina surrounded, she has pyrokinesis and telekinesis! Y’all are screwed! She blew the flames out? She had the advantage! I’m glad she didn’t hurt them of course, but as someone writing a book that consists of characters with magic abilities, you’ve gotta know when a powerful character has the advantage and when to use it. Where was Snow dodging a fireball as one of her arrows flies at Regina and it pauses in mid air only to sore back at Snowing and their friends, but they manage to outsmart her somehow? 

Woah. This is the boldest Henry Sr. has ever been. He’s really trying to help Regina out here. 

Cora!! My love!! I missed you!!

I love the Blind Witch. Does she have a name? I enjoyed her in ‘Regina Rising.’ I remember she’s quite a bit older than Regina

The Blind Witch: “What can I get you? Do you like gingerbread or children?” Omg Snow’s like “what the actual f**k??”

James, why are you like this?? Get off her, dude.

Those key rings are cool.

Why the hell didn’t Emma just tell Henry she saw his dad? I can think of absolutely no reason why she would keep that from him.

Lately all Robin has done is make random comments pointing out the obvious. “It’s uncanny. It’s so similar yet so off.” Yes, Robin we established that 9 minutes ago. His next line will be, “Goodness, is that a tree over there?” or “Regina, you were the Evil Queen”, mark my words. Where has his personality gone? I was never a big fan but at least he was kinda arrogant and cheeky before, at least in season 2 and 3. Now he’s just a dude that points on the ground and tells you there’s a stone. And they have the chemistry of a banana and a cheese cracker.

“Her puny army of sweaty little child beasts.”

Are those black roses? 

I may be wrong but wasn’t Cora trying to get Regina to stop hunting Snow White and find true love instead in 4x20 or am I making things up? And I wonder if this is before or after she appeared in 4x20. 

I just love Cora so much.

Is that how she got to the EF in 4x20? Through a looking glass?

The fact that she could so easily cross realms suggests that she willingly gave Regina her space. Which is something! But it feels like she’d have ulterior motives for that. Also Jefferson and Rumple would be screaming if they knew it was that easy to cross realms.

Regina: “are you threatening me?” Cora: “No. Of course not, never.” But you literally are though.

Peter Pan! He was under-utilised this season. Come on! They could have done so much with him! I’m glad at least Cora and Cruella got decent screen time.

Imagine watching OUAT for the first time with this episode and you see this full-grown man refer to a teenage boy as is father. I would be so confused lol.

I wonder if Rumple / Rumple’s father hail from Dunbroch originally. You know, with the Scottish accent. I’m kinda thinking about headcanoning that now. At least, I think Malcolm had a Scottish accent?

That got me! I forgot Cora had glamoured into Henry Sr.! I thought Cora had shapeshifted into Snow to trick Henry.

Oh, so Henry Sr. contacting her was the reason Cora could walk through the looking glass. If only someone had contacted Jefferson. And I’ve just remembered that in 4x20, she said a white rabbit brought her to the EF.

Killian looks creepy as hell here!

Lol Cora, you let Henry wrap the heart? What did you expect to happen!

Why did Regina need Snow’s heart to kill her? She could have easily killed her without even touching her. 

What the hell does Snow think is in there? She looks terrified.

Archie, wtf were you doing between Snow’s titties?! And what were you doing with a match? Gonna set some titties on fire xD? I bet she could never look at him the same again. 

He doesn’t want Regina to kill Snow because he thinks it will make her dark forever? What about all the other people she’s killed?! That makes no sense!

Okay, given that Grace didn’t seem to physically age much between the flashbacks in 1x17 and the present day in 1x17, this probably happened after the flashback’s events in 4x20. 

According to wiki, Regina’s birthday is February 1st. I’m only learning this now.

I’ve never seen Henry Sr. so bold and Adam end to help Regina.

Okay, so Regina shrunk Henry with her magic but she needed a mushroom to return him to his normal size?

Don’t lock him in that box omg!!

Cora: “when are you gonna get it in that thick head...” she’s so casually abusive.

Random thought but why is Henry’s surname Mills? It just seems like it’d be Cora’s surname. Maybe he took hers on but that seems strange for a Prince to do.

Cora, don’t!

Henry’s alright!

Aww. Henry got to meet his 3rd Grandpa! He’s so happy she named him after him. 

I’m tearing up.

“Remember who you are, Regina.”

Henry, honey, you need to go home.

Is that Persephone?

Oh my God! I’m so excited for the Cora and Zelena stuff!! By far my favourite thing of the season! To hear Cora say Zelena’s name- the fact she knows her name- I’d waited for so long for this! It left open so many questions!

And Hades infuriated with Cora on the love of his life Zelena’s behalf!! He loved her so much and would do anything for her. I don’t ship it as much as I initially did because of how it ended but that man freaking loved and cherished Zelena. He wanted everything for her. She desperately needed that and it was an emotional experience to see her get it.

That’s like her worst nightmare, being a peasant again. 

I can’t with the flame hair.

I forgot this episode was pretty good. I didn’t remember liking it but Cora saved it for me. I forgot she was in it because I have probably watch season 5 the least as I try to avoid it lol. 

[100hearteyes]

Lexa travels back in time to prevent her girlfriend’s death, for which she was responsible, from happening.

TW: past character death, grief.

(thank you @butmakeitgayblog for the moodboard and beta’ing.)

–

Three moments.

Three key moments, however inconsequential they may seem, triggered a chain of events which culminated in Clarke and Lexa meeting for the first time.

For Lexa, it was instant attraction. For Clarke, although they would only find out many years later, it was the promise of doom.

“You can’t just erase me from your existence, you know? I’ll still be there.”

I might still die, is what Clarke doesn’t say. Lexa hears it anyway.

Nowadays, Clarke is but a ghost. Literally. Lexa has no idea how or even why it happened, but it had been an exact year since her girlfriend died when her non-corporeal form first showed up.

It was… gut-wrenching. Lexa has no words for how painful it was to see the love of her life in otherworldly tones of grey and not be able to touch her. It’s become easier with time, but she suspects this hollow ache that pulsates every time Clarke appears to her will ever go away.

“You’re the one who told me there was a way. You said it would work.”

This Clarke is Clarke, or rather the continuation of her; but she’s also not exactly the woman Lexa knew, regardless of the shape she has taken. This Clarke is rude and unsympathetic and has little to no regard for boundaries.

She’s an unpleasant version of the love of Lexa’s life.

Still, it’s hard to dissociate them. Lexa must do it, though, for the sake of her own sanity.

“I said you could avoid being the reason why I die,” Clarke states. “I meant it. You can.”

This journey has taken Lexa to remote places and from each she took tokens of different cultures and outlooks on life. She’s learned about grief and guilt. She’s learned to accept what she cannot control and respect what she doesn’t know. Above all, she’s come to a realization: if this doesn’t work, she can take the final steps to let go. This isn’t the final step towards the precipice.

Two years ago, Lexa would’ve lost herself looking for Clarke. Now, she’s finding herself again, parsing through the grief and plucking the parts of her she’d lost after everything that happened. And the puzzle is coming together, piece by piece and day by day, creating a new version of her which may not be whole anymore and may not be exactly who she was before — but it’s her, and it’s imperfect and it’s beautiful.

Lexa has learned to love herself again.

So this isn’t a desperate Hail Mary, her one last resort, the final step into madness. If anything, wherever it may lead her, this is closure.

The first door she opened was in Cape Town, South Africa, where Clarke was born before her family moved back to the States.

It was a cold December morning. On her side of the door, Lexa was thirty and falling apart. On the other side, Clarke was five and building a tower with Lego blocks.

Lexa felt herself staring long into an abyss.

All she had to do was relocate a single object and leave through the same door she’d come from. Days later, when she returned to her home country, she found out Jake was still alive. His daughter was not, though.

The second door she opened almost three months later. February 25th, Lexa’s home city. All she did was drop Anya’s phone into a lake.

When she came back, all her problems were gone.

It sent her reeling.

Lexa began to wonder; was she doing this for Clarke, or for herself?

She was meant to open the third and final door just a week later, but spent the 3rd of March holed up in her apartment, curled into a ball on the couch. She had jumped into this without a second thought, out of a selfish desire to relieve herself of the guilt of Clarke’s death.

Someone else had paid the consequences. Someone else was making her mistakes now and paying for them. Someone else was going to have a loved one ripped from their life.

What right did Lexa have to unload her burden onto someone else’s shoulders?

It took her months to get back on her feet. If the past year and a half had been an amalgam of denial, anger, and, with her selfish undertaking, bargaining, her second voyage in time had triggered the stage of depression, reflection, and loneliness.

It was then that she finally came to terms with ghost Clarke’s presence in her life. The afterlife form of her girlfriend gave her the tough love she needed to push herself off the ground. Clarke punched Lexa into motion and through it, Lexa found acceptance.

Lexa loves herself, now. She loves herself like she never did before, even when Clarke’s love made her feel invincible. Now, she sees the cracks and hard edges, the places where the cloth of her doesn’t reach far enough to breach the gaps, and she’s made peace with it.

Her shortcomings are no longer defined by her limits, but rather what she lets herself be limited by.

Lexa flexes her fingers. “What happens if I open this door?”

“I turn right instead of left. We never cross paths on the Brooklyn Bridge.”

This door has been locked for two years. Lexa never opened it, afraid of the crushing feelings that may lurk behind it. Behind it is Clarke’s studio, where she spent hours painting, the outside world all but forgotten. Lexa would sit in the corner, laptop perched on crossed legs, pretending to work but really watching Clarke print her talent on canvas.

Lexa feels ready to open it, now, even if what she finds behind it is a row of paintings leaning on purple walls, rather than gray skies and the wooden planks of the Brooklyn Bridge.

She has two conditions, though. Her fingers tighten on the handle.

“Do you live?”

“Lexa, you know I can’t–” Clarke stops short at Lexa’s stern glare and sighs. “Yes.”

But that’s not enough. Lexa won’t be selfish again — she doesn’t just want Clarke to survive; she wants her to live.

“Will you be happy?”

Clarke averts her eyes, then swallows. However, when her eyes meet Lexa’s after she’s taken a fortifying breath, there is nothing but honesty in them. “Yes.”

“Were you?”

Lexa’s heart constricts as Clarke’s eyes well with tears. What does it take to make a ghost cry?

Clarke nods, tries to get hold of her emotions. Her lips tremble and Lexa wants desperately to take her in her arms. If only she could.

“More than I can ever put into words.”

–

March 3rd, the day everything changed.

Twice.

The day Lexa found Clarke and the day she lost her.

Lexa opens the door and finds herself once again on that day, seven years ago, when she was trying to balance three cardboard boxes while speed walking down the Brooklyn Bridge, trying not to crash into any people — or worse, topple over the railings and fall to a wet death.

It was fruitless, of course. Just about to cry mission accomplished, she collided with something solid and everything in her hands went flying.

Not this time.

This time, Lexa changes the course of events and Clarke never crosses that bridge.

She watches from afar as her past self makes it to the other end of the bridge unscathed and a whole new life rolls out in front of her.

“You did well.”

Clarke appears at her side, colorless though still beautiful. There is a nostalgia to her expression, a knife that slashes at the relief that blankets it.

As she studies Clarke’s face and her mind fills the grays with color, drawing memories along the light edges dark lines, Lexa finds herself unwilling to let go. She moves to take Clarke’s hand, but catches herself at the last moment, remembering the colors she’s seeing are a figment of her memories and there is nothing she can touch.

Clarke notices, though, and regards her with such sympathy and compassion Lexa wants to run away with her and never open the door again.

“Come with me.”

They stroll down the bridge, side by side, their tranquility offsetting the electric current stringing everyone around them; the runners and the hurried, the young and the old, together. They find a bench to sit on and stay there for a while, watching the river run its course and the sun arch over the city and the people fall into slumber as the hours go by.

Can she stay here? Can she live a life in a world not her own, in a time asynchronous to hers, under the guise of having Clarke at her side?

She knows the answer to those questions. She’s long since learned that what she wants isn’t always what she needs — and vice versa.

“I’m proud of you.” Lexa meets Clarke’s gaze. Human or ghost, and despite the absence of color, Clarke’s eyes are beautiful. Lexa has always found solace in them, a rock to hold on to in times of need. She hopes she’s been able to provide even a fragment of that same comfort. “How are you feeling?”

It takes Lexa a few moments to sift through the throng of thoughts and feelings which this day has brought forth. Even now, she has doubts. But greater than anything, and the driving force behind her actions, is the desire to make things right.

She finds a feeling amongst the rubble and makes it hers. Peace. She feels…

She feels at peace.

However, after spending two years with the grumpy ghost of the woman of her life, Lexa is also feeling nostalgia as well as the pain over her upcoming loss.

Ghost Clarke was a way to remain connected to the past. Now, Lexa has to let go of that too.

“I hope I was able to make a difference,” she finally replies, eyes still locked with Clarke’s. “It’s not even about my guilt anymore. It doesn’t matter if we meet, either. I have made my peace with what happened. I just… I wanted to give you a chance.”

A chance to live; not just survive.

“You did it, Lexa.”

Lexa has made her peace with her role in Clarke’s death as well as the tragedy itself. The wound will always marr her skin, but it will no longer hurt when she touches it.

All she cares about now is for Clarke to be alive and most of all happy, even if it’s not with Lexa.

Several hours later, Lexa’s hand is once again resting on the doorknob, this time waiting to go back to her world — or whatever of it is left.

Clarke is staring at her, bottom lip trapped between her teeth. At Lexa’s questioning look, once-pink lips pull up into a rueful smile.

“Everything will be different.”

Clarke will be alive, her life will follow threads unknown to her till now. Lexa knows things will change. She also knows she will never see Clarke again in whatever shape or form.

Each time she remembers that, the ground beneath her quakes. She holds tighter onto the doorknob, determined to stay on her feet.

When she meets Clarke’s eyes again, they’re shining with unshed tears. Lexa nods, solemn.

Words would taint the moment.

“It was never about me, you know? I just wanted,” Clarke moves as to reach out, but catches herself. She clears her throat. “It was never about what would happen to me. I just- I wanted to lift the weight of guilt off your shoulders, give you closure. I-,” she chuckles humorlessly, eyes flitting to the ground for a moment before meeting Lexa’s again. “I need you to know, I’m still me. There was never… I never would’ve been able to help you if I didn’t put some distance between us. That’s why I behaved differently. But I was always still me.”

And Lexa knows this, knows what she’s saying. She always has.

“Your happiness is all that matters to me, Lexa.” Lexa opens her mouth, but a shake of Clarke’s head stops her. “Please don’t. Otherwise I’ll say something to make you stay.”

Lexa aches to touch her, kiss her, though she knows she can do neither, and her hands shake with the urge to close the space between them.

Instead, she turns the handle and opens the door. Before she can go, though, she turns to face Clarke one more time, needing to commit every single detail to memory, as though every line of Clarke’s face, every nuance, every emotion, isn’t already burned into her mind’s eye forever.

So she knows the broken words before Clarke speaks them.

“I love you, Lex. And I’ll always be with you.”

It’s with those soft words cradling her heart that Lexa crosses the threshold.

–

One of the first things Clarke told her, when they started, was that Lexa would remember everything, both her own memories and her new version’s, but the original ones — the timeline where Clarke died — would fade with time.

Clarke also told her things would change.

So Lexa was expecting to step into a different world and to be surprised at how much had changed around her.

She just wasn’t expecting her life to be quite so different.

Clarke’s friends are no longer her friends. She expected that, but the reality of it is overwhelming at first. She realizes, now, she often took them and the support they gave her for granted. Suddenly, having none of them to lean on, she feels crippled.

On the other hand, she has a different, better job. And as it turns out, her new self has left behind the concrete stuffiness of New York and embraced the free-spirited intellectualism of San Francisco, which isn’t just a different city — it’s on the other side of the country. Any latent hopes she might have had of somehow finding Clarke have vanished.

It takes her a while to adapt to all the changes, but a year later she’s back on her feet and the life she had before is now but a distant memory. She still dreams about Clarke, though the dreams are fewer and further between. Selfishly, she thanks the universe for the small reprieve.

Her old problems don’t haunt her anymore and, if not for the absence of Clarke, this would be a perfect life.

At least she’s doing her best to make it so.

She’s also learning to treat herself better than she did in her past life. Embracing the practice of being kinder to herself is refreshing. Freeing.

It’s the pursuit of one such self-indulgence that she finds a small coffee shop downtown, which she starts going to every day before work.

Today is no exception.

As she waits in line, Lexa distracts herself, noting down her to-do list for the day ahead. As she’s debating whether to go to the grocery store before or after her late afternoon run, she doesn’t notice her pen sliding down the page and falling to an early demise, until she feels a tap on her shoulder.

“Excuse me, you dropped this.”

Lexa turns around to thank her good Samaritan, a gratitude sat ready on the tip of her tongue, only for her breath to catch at the sight.

Because she’s as stunning as ever…

Clarke.

[magicalforcesau]

Dancing With Ghosts in Your Garden~ Chapter 7- Year 1: February

(Ao3 link)

One thing Obi-Wan and Satine agreed upon was that despite their shocking discovery in an unsuspecting broom closet, they should do their utmost to maintain decorum. The very last thing they needed was every student getting it in their heads to explore the school for secret tunnels. Regardless of what this meant for their pending investigation(s), keeping the peace was essential if they wanted to get any further.

The second thing they agreed about was whom to share this information with, which considering the perilous circumstances that were already weighing on this school year, logically meant heading straight for Headmaster Yoda. For the busiest wizard in the school, he saw them quickly and took their accounts very seriously, even going as far as to follow them and excuse them from their studies for the morning to help clue him in.

Unfortunately, as far as agreement went, that was as far as it went between Obi-Wan and Satine. 

“You didn’t show him the robe.” Satine said tersely as they walked back to the common room to pick up their books for their afternoon classes. 

He sighed, knowing in the back of his mind that this confrontation was inevitably coming, even if he chose to ignore it all day, “You know why.”

“We took an oath to lead without bias.” She returned with the same level tone. “In case you’ve forgotten.”

“And I am insulted you would insinuate that’s why.” He walked along her step-for-step and felt the blood boil in his face. No, he would not break first.

“You’re withholding evidence!” She waved her hands around, turning her back to him so she could ascend up the winding stairs, “And you know it.”

“A discarded robe is hardly evidence when we know for certain that this alleged cheater has been masquerading as a Slytherin this entire time! If anything, it likely exempts Anakin as a suspect and quite possibly, Gryffindor house.” 

“Or,” Satine said archly, “Your tornado of a mentee has been running around the tunnels this entire time, as insinuated by a conversation we overheard between him and Rex.”

“My-” He shook his head, and while he would normally quell his rising tone, freely continued without hesitation when noticing they were alone in the common room, “My what of a mentee? You have the audacity to call me biased when you’ve had it out for Anakin this entire bloody time!”

“I do not have it out for him, Ben!” She implored, for once not as angry as him and more exasperated than anything else, “I don’t have the time or energy to hold grudges against 11 year old’s!”

“And yet,” He rounded the couch, dramatic as that may be, “At every single turn you insist on accusing him before even pausing to think about other possibilities.”

“Then read them to me!” She snapped, “Because here are the facts that I see: Anakin has admitted to discovering the tunnel system on Halloween night, Anakin is always popping up seemingly out of nowhere, Anakin is the only one to score 100% on Professor Windu’s homework assignments lately, we found his robe inside the physical tunnel, and Rex and Anakin were literally talking about his going out the night before.”

He clenched his jaw and stuck out his hand, tallying off rebukes to each of her statements, “Professor Windu and Yoda confirmed a trap door leading to those tunnels, making it quite possibly an accident, Anakin is a quiet and sneaky little boy, he is so frightened of Windu that he doesn’t want to set him off and actually tries in that class, I still stand by my previous statement of this being an easy frame-job, and that conversation was so obviously taken out of context.”

She rubbed at her temples, “I’m not sure what kind of “research” you and Qui-Gon do during your not-so-secret late night investigations, thank you for the invitation, by the way, but you are being absolutely delusional.”

Obi-Wan’s jaw went slack as he floundered a bit at her knowing that. He sniffed and straightened his posture. It never remotely occurred to him that Satine would want to be involved. He’d been far too concerned about Anakin to think of it. Any guilt that might have snuck its way into his chest was just as easily banished when he remembered why they were quarreling in the first place.

“You’re being petty.” He said calmly.

“Maybe I am.” She retorted and made her way over to the bookcase that led to the girl’s dormitory, “And maybe I’ll relent on pettiness when you decide to wake up and look at what’s right in front of you.”

***

Anakin was unsure what was up with Obi-Wan, but the older wizard seemed incredibly tense when he caught up with him by the prefect bathroom on the third floor. Evidently, Hondo had snuck inside and tried to promote his new business venture by scribbling his information on the bathroom stalls. 

“Why do prefects even get their own bathrooms anyway?” Anakin thought aloud, “What’s so great about you guys that you need to pee in private?”

Obi-Wan sighed through his nose and kept his stare straight, “I’m afraid I don’t have a proper answer for you Anakin.”

Anakin would normally pester for at least a slightly more riveted response, but it didn’t seem like his mentor was in the mood. Because of this, he read the room and assumed it was not the time to bring up the herbology essay he had due in a few days that remained untouched at the moment.

“You look tired.” Obi-Wan said after a long period without talking. 

“I was up late.” He said.

“So, I’ve heard.” Obi-Wan replied dryly and Anakin stopped in his tracks.

“Windu told you?” He whined. “Man, Echo and Fives were already giving me a hard time for costing Gryffindor 10 more points.”

Something in Obi-Wan stiffened again before turning back to look at Anakin with a calm yet scrutinizing stare, “He caught you out of bed late.”

“Yeah, I had a really bad dream about-” He wasn’t sure why, but Anakin knew he shouldn’t share his experience with Dooku and Palpatine to Obi-Wan. It was far from the concept of mistrust, but more because it felt sacred. Palpatine followed Anakin’s beliefs without question and saw them through to the end, even enlisting Professor Dooku along as well. Even then, Anakin hadn’t shared entirely what he’d seen. He didn’t want to until he knew for certain.

“-About the Zillo Beast.” Which was a lie and yet it came much easier than the truth of talking about the true threat. Maybe this was why Anakin was initially accepting of the beast’s death sentence. He thought it might solve something within him, but it didn’t and it wouldn’t. “I went looking for Qui-Gon.”

Obi-Wan paused and Anakin wondered if he was actually going to believe him, before softening and guilt twisted in the young boy’s gut. 

He placed a supportive hand on his shoulder as they continued to walk, “You shouldn’t wander the castle alone. It isn’t safe.”

“You do it.” He mumbled.

“I’m not the one with a price on my head.” His voice was gentle and he seemed considerably eased in comparison to the beginning of their conversation, but his eyes were still stern, “Though I can’t necessarily blame you for seeking out Qui-Gon.”

“Windu didn’t even listen to me.” Anakin said glumly.

“Professor Windu tends to look only at the facts presented in front of him,” And for once, Obi-Wan appeared to grow mad at this thought, “Which can admittedly delude one from the connecting factors.”

“It’s like he thinks I’m guilty of something that I don’t even know about.” He shrugged.

His mentor ran a hand through his immaculately combed hair and sighed, “I know what you mean.”

***

Cody tried to stifle a chuckle as he watched his two best friends try to pretend like they weren’t utterly pissed with each other during breakfast. Because it was “strictly prefect business”, neither had opted to share the dirty details of their most recent quarrel with Cody, but from what he could tell, it was personal.

Obi-Wan was typically the more apologetic of the two by nature. Satine tended to dig her heels into the ground to stick up for what she believed in while Obi-Wan was a bit more open-minded. Obi-Wan often said the wrong thing based on past bias that hurt Satine’s feelings and Satine usually let him know it with her own fires that upset him. He always knew they would bounce back, because they always did. It was the nature of their friendship and most of the time, he just had to sit back and watch.

The roles seemed to be reversed this time around, which was always an interesting change-up. Obi-Wan clearly was being headstrong about his beliefs this time, which eliminated it being over any sort of familial relation and Satine was exasperated with his mindset and had likely said something offensive in the process.

Did that stop them from sitting side-by-side and attending all of their classes and obligations together? Apparently not.

It didn’t mean they were above passive aggression. 

“Just to let you know, pretending that those pancakes are Kenobi’s face isn’t going to make the anger go away.” He quipped and Satine set aside her utensils, of which she was previously butchering her pancakes with.

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes, but didn’t say anything except:  “So, OWLS.”

It seemed the subject of OWLS was the only thing that prevented the two of them from biting each other’s heads off. He didn’t know how, since the idea of standardized testing always made Cody feel at risk of his own head exploding.

“Before you go all “post-Quidditch-loss” glum, I’ve devised a schedule to optimize all of our success.” Satine reached across the table and patted Cody’s hand.

He smiled, relieved that he didn’t have to say anything at all for them to understand his concerns.

“I might straight up fail out of my potions exam.” He grimaced, “I think I tie with Hondo for the most explosions in that class.”

“Except Hondo’s might be intentional.” Obi-Wan mused before shrugging, “So, we’ll pay extra attention on that one.”

“I’ve already accounted for that, actually.” Satine said curtly, but didn’t add in any snark, and showed him the color-coded schedule she’d assembled.

“Defense Against the Dark Arts is pretty low on the priority list.” Cody commented, not really thinking that much on it. They all did sufficiently well with Kenobi being the most proficient at the subject, as he was at most things. However, he expected it to be quite hard, with Dooku being behind it and all.

“Well,” Satine’s voice was even more clipped now, “It’s not like any of us will be needing it next year.”

It was the first time it had been mentioned- even indirectly, but from across the table, Cody had optimum viewership of the way Kenobi’s entire body seemed to grow incredibly taut. Truthfully, Cody had never asked what happened during his friends’ meetings with the headmaster. He figured they would all eventually be forthcoming with what transpired and Satine had done as such with her decision to work for the ministry, but Kenobi hadn’t said anything. 

He cleared his throat, “That’s alright. I mean, I don’t love spending my time thinking about that stiff, Dooku, anyway.”

His attempt at levity didn’t work much. It was almost like he hadn’t spoken at all.

Obi-Wan looked stuck between a scathing comment and retreating altogether while Satine seemed like she was daring him to do either. It gave her a different excuse to be frustrated or annoyed and that seemed to be what she wanted. 

Obi-Wan finally broke the silence between them, “Regardless of what we use, we ought to do plenty of research. You know, in-depth analysis that isn’t taken purely at face value.”

“That is true.” She said coolly, “But true research is, of course, at least acknowledging a clear trajectory as opposed to ignoring it simply because you do not like it.”

“True research is also about being able to trust your participant’s judgment.” He said, “Which is why only few are eligible to participate in the first place.”

“It’s got nothing to do with trust and everything to do with refusing to collaborate.” She snapped, “And- You know what? Nevermind. I feel like I’m talking myself in circles here. I’ll see you both at a later time for studying. I’ve got to go help Vizsla prepare for his potions project.”

“Be sure to make the smiley faces extra obnoxious this time.” Obi-Wan called after her. 

Satine gave him a not-so-friendly hand gesture and disappeared from the Great Hall with the only trace being the deflated Obi-Wan Kenobi, who watched where she left with a curious mixture of contempt and admiration.

“So,” Cody folded his hands, “Is Anakin prepared for his potions project?”

Obi-Wan grimaced, “Never actually told me there was a project. So, no.”

***

Anakin wasn’t exactly surprised to be summoned into Qui-Gon’s office that following day, given he was sure Obi-Wan passed on any concerns about Anakin to the professor. It was complicated in a sense, because while Anakin appreciated having people who looked out for him in favor of the alternative, he wanted to prove that he could sort out his own issues and didn’t need babysitters. 

“How can you lecture me about not getting any sleep when Obi-Wan has looked like a zombie half the time these days?” Anakin protested.

Qui-Gon poured him a cup of tea that Anakin would fail to feign enjoyment of and chuckled softly. “Do you truly believe I haven’t lectured Obi-Wan about his self-care habits?”

“I haven’t seen you do it.” Anakin said.

“Same as Obi-Wan isn’t present now, I try to keep my chastising towards only him. In any case, I did not invite you here to discuss your sleeping habits. At least, not in the way you believe.”

Anakin was thankful to have the teacup in order to have something to do. Even if tea did usually taste like rooty leaf water. 

“Have you ever heard of parseltongue?” Qui-Gon asked calmly.

He scrunched up his nose- both in response to the gross taste of the tea and in confusion over what the professor just asked him.

“Is that a disease?” He asked.

“No,” He chuckled and set his own teacup down, “It’s the language of the serpents as well as those who can communicate with them.”

“Who would want to talk to a bunch of snakes?” Anakin questioned, “I’d rather talk to a shark or dog or something.”

“Salazar Slytherin saw it to be a very useful trait. He didn’t just use it to speak to snakes, but influence them as well.” He said, “Most parselmouths, as the speakers are generally called, derive from his bloodline.”

Anakin tapped his chin, truly trying to think about what this had to do with him. It wasn’t like his dreams ever involved snakes. Then again, he had told Obi-Wan he’d been dreaming about the Zillo Beast, who while unlike a dragon as previously discussed in Palpatine’s class, could have been more like a snake.

“Is this about the Zillo Beast?” He broke the silence, which had previously only been filled by the soft crackling of the hearth central to Qui-Gon’s office. It made Anakin remember with clarity his moment on Diagon Alley, when the dark wizard was speaking to the flames.

“Not directly,” Qui-Gon said and pulled out a book that appeared to be some sort of translator, “The night of the holiday party when you were incapacitated, you were muttering… Words in parseltongue.”

“That’s not possible!” Anakin frowned, “I’m horrible at second language. You should have seen my French grades in school.”

“Parseltongue is not typically something learned, Anakin. It can be mimicked, but most of the time it is a purely genetic trait.” He said.

“But, that would mean...” Anakin didn’t have a proper answer for that. His mother had left him so in the dark regarding wizard lineage that he didn’t have a rebuttal for why he spoke a hereditary language among snakes. It sounded cool enough, but Qui-Gon was doing that thing adults did when they tried terribly hard to appear calm, even if they weren’t. 

“I don’t expect you to have the answers.” Qui-Gon said gently, “It’s quite possible you were simply relaying the message of the dark wizard that poisoned you. However, as word of these dreams persists, I’m concerned that you are… Seeing things that could be of assistance.”

Anakin squirmed in his seat, unsure how to possibly express that he was already looking into this with Dooku and Palpatine. However, neither of them had mentioned parseltongue. Maybe there was something Qui-Gon could decipher that they couldn’t.

“The word you primarily kept muttering over and over again, was “Vader”, which is German, for-”

“Father?” Anakin guessed, having to really dig in the crevices of his mind to a day where his school was not one of magical ability. 

“Exactly that.” Qui-Gon paused, “Forgive me if this is out of turn, Anakin, but do you find it possible that your father could have anything to do with this?”

“My father is a muggle. I never knew him.” Anakin said tersely and tried not to make it sound as foul as it tasted to say.

Qui-Gon’s eyes grew very sad as he nodded, “Very well. I will continue to search for any other utterances that strike out. And Anakin, please remember that you can always talk to me should your dreams trouble you any longer.”

“Yes, Professor.” Anakin said, but it felt more automatic than anything, because the mention of his deadbeat father, who didn’t so much as have a face to Anakin, made him feel a numbness that he hadn’t remembered for a long time. “Hopefully, I’m not busted by Windu next time.” He added, trying to add a sprig of humor to his voice.

Qui-Gon frowned, “When did this happen?”

“Two nights ago while he was on patrol.”

“Windu wasn’t supposed to-” He cut himself off in what seemed to be intense thought. “Well, I will talk to him.”

Anakin took this as his cue to leave, but turned back to catch Qui-Gon staring thoughtfully in space, feeling his skin prick from the unspoken accusations that floated aimlessly between them. Windu was not supposed to be roaming the castle either that night.

So, what was he doing?

***

“I’ve searched each path as instructed, Headmaster.” Mace Windu walked into the room without any warning of his arrival.The little headmaster was propped up on a stack of firm pillows in order to see over his desk, which no doubt had been designed for someone of the height of the average adult. His eyes were bright this evening and his long green ears perked up when he noticed he had company. 

“Found nothing, have you?” He spoke in that reversed verbiage that had become commonplace for Windu to understand. 

“The tunnel that led to the Zillo Beast is significantly newer than the rest of the tunnel systems.” He said with a nod of concession, “The infrastructure of these tunnels are ancient in make- whereas the tunnel that led to that dark lair was only meant to look old for aesthetic.”

“Sealed these tunnels should have been.” Yoda said gravely, “Meant for dark magic and smuggling, they initially were.”

Mace Windu knew this and while his peers and students would likely assess that he was an extreme stickler for the rules, he was not by any means unreasonable. He did not see the pure dangers of these tunnels for merely existing. Should they receive proper care and supervision, they just became different pathways to class. 

“Would you like me to seal them?” He asked.

“Tried many times, I have.” Yoda shook his head, “Against the will of the school, it is.”

Mace frowned, “Against the will of the school? With all due respect, Headmaster, regardless of all the magic in the world, this place is not physically alive.”

“Hmm,” Yoda gave him a look of appraisal, “Sure of that, are you?”

“It is not sentient.” He responded plainly, “It doesn’t have a beating heart or required source of sustenance. Biologically, it is not living.”

“Constrained, your definition of alive is.” He said, “The beating heart, the students are. The sustenance, knowledge is. Sentient, it is not, but intentions, it does have. For as long as it’s needed, alive, Hogwarts is.”

It took much patience to prevent himself from releasing an impatient sigh. Really, he knew what Yoda meant, but working amongst those that refused to see things straightforward could be frustrating. He supposed he was already spared enough from Qui-Gon’s presence for the night. Then, he’d be double-teamed.

“That does not help us with preventing another attack.” He said with folded arms.

“Then, the matter of the cheater, there is.” Yoda added thoughtfully.

“You’ve already declined my suspicions.” Mace said, trying too hard not to sound bitter about being rejected. 

“Keep looking, we must.” He pulled out a wrinkled map from his desk drawer. It was a map that was enchanted to show the whereabouts of every student in the school. It showed the blueprint of every location with the exception of the secret tunnels. His little green hand slid the map towards Mace. “Patrol the tunnels again, you shall, but tell anyone, you must not.”

***

He was in the hallway, late for class or at least he thought he should be. The sky was blue and he could hear birds, but the clouds looked stormy. He turned away from the window, but no one was there. In fact this wasn’t the hallway at all.

He was in the library, but it was loud and there were no windows. The book shelves seemed to trap him, he couldn’t walk towards the entrance, or try to find Obi-Wan at his usual table; whenever he tried it was only another shelf of books. He tried to grab at one, maybe there was a secret passage he’d missed somehow, but the books were stuck in place. He grabbed one with both hands and he pulled on it so hard his feet left the ground for a second, but still it didn’t budge.

He decided to continue down the passageway. He wasn’t even sure why that book stood out to him so much. Still, his hands itched to rip it from the shelf. It’s spine had been a deep blue, so deep in fact that it may as well have been black, he hadn’t caught the title, but it must have been important.

Before he could turn around and go back for it, a drop of water fell onto his hand. He looked up and realized it was too dark to see, looking behind him he could no longer see any books. The only light in the room were the walls, dazzling bright lights burst out of the carvings there. Stick figures were walking with him on either side and although they didn’t have mouths or really any way to make noise, he could hear them chanting almost like it was coming from the beat of his own heart.

“Vader, Vader, Vader,” It echoed in his mind even if he wasn’t sure he was really hearing it or not. He tried to tune it out as he continued, nowhere else to go, but the figures continued to follow him, glowing eerily in the dark.

He felt eyes on him, like he was being followed, but when he turned around there was nothing. He turned to continue forward picking up his pace. His heart was hammering louder and with it the chant did too.

“Vader, Vader, Vader,” He hit the end of the hallway. 

The Zillo Beast’s cage.

The beast was no longer there, but the bars had narrowed and there was no way for him to squeeze his way in, or escape from to the other side. He looked left and right, but there were bars there too, so he turned slowly, heart pounding, head filled with chants to see he’d been trapped. There was no way to escape. He pulled at the bars, even tried to climb them, but his palms were slippery with sweat and it seemed as if his strength had left him.

From the shadows he heard a deep voice speaking, but of what he couldn’t hear over the chant:

“Vader, Vader, Vader,”

Footsteps he felt more than heard were coming towards him at a painstakingly slow pace. He was pulling desperately on the bars, but his hands continued to slip. He saw a glint of silver from the darkness and he knew it was the blade he and Rex had seen. Then he saw the man’s robes, still no face, but it was damning enough. The dark robes, nothing fancy, but the inside was a deep mauve which stood out almost unnaturally in the darkness. The color was practically blinding, hypnotising him into standing still, hands sliding off the bars to fall at his side. Their surroundings had changed and he didn’t even notice, trees had sprung up around them and they leaned towards him as if to mock his suffering.

The sword was being raised, it glinted ruby red and the blade looked golden although he was certain it was meant to be silver. The hood of the cloak shifted though it still revealed no face; it did however allow the cloak to move in such a way that a wand was visible, if only for a, strangely long, second.

It was a twisting dark wood wand, blackthorn, he knew almost immediately because he’d seen such a wand before. It was a wand that did such elegant wand work for its owner, crafting the most beautiful charms.

A wand that belonged to Professor Mace Windu.

The sword swung.

***

Anakin’s eyes shot open and he pressed a hand, still twisted in his sheets, to his mouth to stifle the cry he was sure he’d made. He didn’t dare to move, eyes roving around the parts of the room he could see, but there was no glint of silver or gold, no mauve-lined robes, and no twisted blackthorn wand. He heard a rustle from behind him and he snapped instantly to a sitting position, grasping his wand he’d kept under his pillow in trembling hands pointing it towards the source of the sound.

Rex was rubbing his eyes and looking blearily at him.

“What’s wrong?” His voice was thick with sleep and Anakin lowered his wand, but he didn’t loosen his grip. Although Rex had already done so, he couldn’t allow his voice to break the silence of the room. His heart was beating quickly and he could almost hear a voice speaking behind the sound, but of what, he did not know. 

“Are you ok?” Rex looked more awake now, and more awake translated to more concerned. Rex slipped out of bed and Anakin tried to focus on the soft patter of feet before Rex was climbing onto Anakin’s four-poster and whispering quietly, “Did you have a bad dream again?”

The fears and terrible memories swelled forward and Anakin felt his breath catch and tears slip from the corners of his eyes. He was trembling and he tried to stop by clutching his wand tighter, but all that did was allow a few golden sparks to fizzle out the end.

“It’s Windu, Rex,” Anakin said although he was sure the shakiness of his voice would not sound convincing, “I saw the tunnel again, but it felt different, like a warning, not a memory,” He was crying now, much as he tried to banish the tears.

“What do you remember?” Rex asked, he wrapped an arm around Anakin’s shoulders, and Anakin had to fight with himself to not cry into his friend's shoulder. He wanted his mum. She’d make things better. For the first time he really wondered if she had been right to stay away from the wizarding world.

“I was in the tunnel, but this time I got put into a cage,” He explained to distract himself, “He had that sword, the one we found and then there were trees.”

“And you’re sure it was Windu?” Rex asked and Anakin nodded frantically.

“His robes were lined with purple, like the scrap we found,” He pushed, “It was so bright like it wanted me to see, and the sword he had… it should have been silver, but it was gold and red-”

“Gryffindor colors,” Rex gasped, pulling away in shock.

“And I saw his wand,” Anakin wiped away tears, “It was Windu.”

“We have to tell Obi-Wan,” Rex whispered with a frown, but Anakin shook his head and practically leaped across the other boy to grab his shoulder.

“We can’t! Obi-Wan doesn’t believe me,” Anakin reminded him.

“But what if it is a warning? If he’s planning to do something-” Rex’s forehead wrinkled as he considered the little knowledge they had.

“He’s too cunning,” Anakin shook his head sadly, “The whole school thinks he’s great. Qui-Gon would hear me out, but without proof he can’t do anything! Everyone at this stupid school would rather have me dead then believe me!” 

This had been weighing on his heart for some time now. He looked to the wand in his hand. When it chose him, he had been elated, it had been one of the best days of his life. To be chosen to do magic and study away at a castle in the hills had easily surpassed everything he’d ever wished for. He wondered now, if it hadn’t been a blessing, but one big curse he was playing into.

“That’s not true,” Rex patted him on the shoulder, “I believe you,” Anakin felt his eyes tearing up again, but he threw his arms around his best friend before they could fall, “If Windu tries to get you, he’ll have to go through me too!”

“Thanks Rex,” Anakin failed at steadying his voice once more, “You're the best friend I could ever ask for.”

***

Anakin awoke to the feeling of his eyelashes being stuck together. So, he scrubbed at his eyes until he could open them enough to see Rex, who must have fallen asleep, still in Anakin’s bed. He was wrapped in all the sheets in a way only the youngest of such a large family could and he only woke up when Anakin tried to pull some of them back.

“Get your own blanket,” He grumbled without opening his eyes, clutching onto what he could with an iron grip.

“These are mine,” Anakin complained, tugging harder. Rex opened his eyes then and sat up, allowing the blankets to fall from his hands as he realized he was in fact, a thief.

“Ah, whoops,” He grinned sheepishly, “Sorry mate, Fives always did say I was a blanket hog.” 

Anakin just shrugged. As if both remembering how they ended up fighting over blankets in the first place, Anakin’s face fell and Rex’s drifted back into concern, “Any more dreams?”

“No,” Anakin shook his head, “But I’m not sure anything could top that last one even if I did,” He admitted and Rex just frowned, slipping off the bed and towards his trunk.

“Well if you don’t want to talk to anyone, maybe we should keep an eye on Windu?” Rex suggested.

“How so? Last time he caught me out of bed I got in trouble and I wasn’t even doing anything,” Anakin complained and Rex just gave him a look.

“The map, you idiot,” And he slapped a hand to his forehead, grabbing it from under his mattress.

“You’re right!” He held the paper up to the light before suddenly dropping it into his pocket and looking around to ensure none of the other first years were awake.

***

“So, Windu’s been going off property, huh?” Rex thought aloud as he and Anakin walked down the winding hill of the front entrance. Anakin’s eyes were glued to the map that rested on top of his textbook, trying to accurately see where the map tapered off. “That’s weird, I find it hard to imagine any of the professors having actual lives- let alone someone as stiff as him.”

“I just assumed they all lived at Hogwarts.” Anakin shrugged, “I guess that would be a little odd.”

“Some of them do.” Rex pointed out, “But yeah, I can’t really see any of them exactly going out on the town and grabbing a beer.”

“Most of them could use one.” He said and frowned, “It still shows us on the map.”

Eventually, a professor or prefect was bound to look and see the two first years drifting seemingly aimlessly across the lawn, looking like they were up to no good, and would surely corral them in. In reality, Rex really needed to study for Charms, but knew Anakin had the subject on lock. Despite being under clear scrutiny with Windu, Anakin had a natural talent for the subject that Rex might never understand. 

That being said, even coupled with the crunchy snow that they squashed beneath their boots and the damp wind that smacked them in the face, there was something about the wide open stretch of white landscape before them that promised the possibilities of great adventure. 

“The grounds are very large.” Rex voiced his thoughts, “I reckon it’ll show us all the way to Hogsmeade if we let it.”

Rex knew the smile that appeared on Anakin’s face quite well. It was one of both determination and mischief and admittedly, it sparked excitement with Rex as well. 

“I don’t see the harm in trying it.” He grinned and then gave pause, “Though, we probably should take an alternative route.”

“I could go for a butterbeer.” Rex answered with a smile that matched his friend’s. 

“I’ve never had one.” Anakin said.

“Great, a bonus mission, then.”

***

Satine prided herself on the ability to multitask. She could simultaneously observe that the first years were behaving as they enjoyed their time after school in the Great Hall, playing board games and chatting amicably, while also trying to mentally construct what she was to do for their latest Charms project.

It was an interesting one, for sure, which involved presenting a counter-charm in front of the class. She and Obi-Wan had paired together of course and despite her recent frustrations with the boy in question, had no worries about their imminent productivity.

Aayla and Stass, who always worked together, were not as confident in the merit of their own work ethic.

“Would you happen to know the counter-charm to my brain melting through my ears?” Stass groaned as she slumped off the bench and onto the floor.

They didn’t have to sit with her while she essentially babysat the younger students, but neither girl seemed to have anywhere else to be and Satine would be a liar to say she didn’t appreciate the company. 

“It’s only a counter-charm if it’s actually you know, countering a different charm.” Satine said with a smile, not taking her eyes off her scan of the crowd. She spotted Viz, who sat in the far corner to the right with a few other students around him. It was a relief to Satine that he’d found more friends. He’d been such a loner in the beginning of the year, only really seen occasionally beside Anakin Skywalker.

Satine bit her tongue. She was especially glad he found other friends.

“We could go simple, you know. That is always an option.” Aayla said, “A locking and unlocking display wouldn’t hurt us.”

“You know Windu will have a well-timed and well-deserved lecture about taking the easy way out.” Stass sighed, “He’d rather see us fail at something hard than opt for something too easy.”

“When you’re right, you’re right.” Aayla flopped backwards so she was lying flat on the bench. One of her blue lekku dangled over the side, just barely above the stone floor. “What are you and Kenobi working on?”

“We haven’t discussed it yet, actually.” Satine kept her hands folded in her lap and tried not to appear visibly cross with him, even if most could tell by the way they behaved around each other. It didn’t help when she could practically feel the curious stares of her prying and procrastinating friends.

“You haven’t come up with the full plans for the project?” Stass gaped, “But it’s been a whole week since it was assigned.”

“I’ve been a little busy, you know.” She pointed out, “Those essays for potions were not exactly what I’d call a fun time.”

“You still got the best grade in the class.” Aayla said.

“Second best.” She corrected almost automatically. “By a whopping half point.”

“Good thing you’re not keeping score.” She smirked.

Satine rolled her eyes. She really wasn’t. So, it was in her nature to be a little competitive when it came to academics. It was always in good nature. She was never mad when he scored better than her on something… Just, determined to be better for her own sake. 

She was already considered at a disadvantage at this school for being a muggle-born. She didn’t grow up with magic the way many had. Satine merely felt the need to fill in those gaps in whatever way she could. If it were always easy for her and she was simply always the best, she would grow uninspired. In comparison to this, she always had someone to walk in tandem with in terms of intellect, even if that person was presently being an idiot.

As if on cue, Obi-Wan Kenobi walked into the Great Hall, scanning the crowd with determined eyes until they landed on her. She cocked an eyebrow in response, contrasting the smile she might shoot him if she weren’t still cross with him. Most students liked to relax after the course of the school day, which might involve untucking their shirts, rolling up their sleeves, loosening their ties, or removing their jumpers. Obi-Wan was far from “most students” and almost constantly opted to dress with the primness of a new day.

He walked over to her, but kept turning his head around the crowd. Most students spared him a brief look of concern, noting that two prefects in one area was rarely a good thing, but seemed to recognize Obi-Wan and Satine’s close friendship and continued on with their antics.

It was refreshing in a sense, because the little first years were not nearly as concerned with their friendship as say, third or fourth years were. Satine could not quite fathom why.

“Hey, Kenobi! Here to talk strategy for the match?” Aayla teased as he got closer. 

Satine wasn’t sure how she managed to forget that Ravenclaw’s next Quidditch match was in just a couple weeks’ time, but she guessed her increasing annoyance with her most valuable player was a large component of this. 

Obi-Wan chuckled and shook his head, “No, but that doesn’t mean I’ll say no to advice on how to keep my head on straight against Ventress’s vital blows.”

“Keep the ball from going in the hoop for a start.” Stass offered.

“Mind-blowing. Please go into sports analytics.” Aayla playfully jabbed her friend’s torso with her pointed toes. 

“I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.” Obi-Wan said with a smile that faded into caution when he finally regarded Satine, “May I speak to you alone?”

“That depends, are you going to acknowledge my thoughts and opinions or will you be ignoring all of that completely?” She replied sarcastically and not quite caring if they had witnesses. Obi-Wan could read that the moment he came into the room and she knew it.

“Satine…” He begged quietly in a voice he rarely reserved for anyone else.

She hated how her heart still skipped a bit when looking at him for too long and in favor of avoiding the embarrassment of flushing red in front of her friends, she slid off the table and wordlessly joined him across the room. They could still manage to watch over the first years if they needed to, but it was slightly more secluded.

“I’m assuming this doesn’t have to do with our Charms homework.” She said, but frowned as she noticed he was still searching the crowd with growing tension in his form. “What’s up with you?”

He gave another onceover across the room before returning his gaze back to her and she realized with growing clarity that he wasn’t simply looking from the perspective of a prefect that was trying to do his job, but someone who was actively looking for something else.

Or, as she considered the entirety of first years filling the Great Hall, someone.

“You’re looking for Anakin, aren’t you?” She said with the shake of her head. 

“And Rex.” Obi-Wan sighed, “They skipped their final class today.”

She knitted her eyebrows together, “So-”

“-For the record, this does not mean you were right.” He said pointedly. “These could be two completely unrelated incidents.”

“Oh, well, heaven forbid that ever be the case,” She drawled and crossed her arms over her chest, “And I wasn’t about to say anything of that matter, actually. It’s still my responsibility to ensure the safety of younger students, regardless of who they are.”

“I’m just ensuring you won’t use this as an opportunity to lay a preemptive “I told you so” on me.” 

She bristled, “It’s good to know your faith in me is ever persistent.” 

“I’m here for assistance, aren’t I?” He retorted.

“Are you?” She frowned, “Because you’ve got a funny way of asking for it.”

“Please?” He returned to that gentler tone that stroked something soft in her chest and she shoved it somewhere deep where she didn’t have to think about it… For now. 

She sighed, “Let’s check the common rooms first.”

***

Anakin walked the secret tunnels beneath Hogwarts with enough confidence to make an outside viewer think he carved them out himself. It certainly paralleled significantly to a few months before when he’d merely been eager to see them in the first place. Rex held his glowing wand over the map and huddled close to Anakin as they followed its lead to see just where the map trailed off. 

Even without the map, it was obvious they were no longer beneath the castle as it was beginning to feel like a refrigerator as they continued onwards.

“You know, this is an awful long path for a shortcut.” Rex muttered.

“Pretty straightforward too.” Anakin commented, noting that they had only made one or two minor turns in their trek towards Hogsmeade.

“I wonder what shop we’ll drop in on.” Rex said, though it wasn’t the first he’d thought of it. “It might look a bit funny to pop up behind a merchandise shelf in Zonko’s or something.”

“As long as Windu doesn’t catch us, we’re good.” He said, “He’s observing Slytherin’s Quidditch practice in place of Palpatine. I’d say we’re in the clear for now.”

“I gotta hand it to ya, mate,” Rex began, “Despite all the thinly veiled threats, you really don’t ever quit, do you?”

“Hogwarts is my home.” Anakin said sharply, his high-pitched voice echoing off the wet stone walls, “And I want to keep it safe. I can’t do that if some creep is trying to kill me at every left turn.”

If Rex was going to argue that they were too young to be so protective of their school, he didn’t give any indication of it. It was a relief to have someone in his life that wasn’t so quick to comment on the more augmented portions of Anakin’s statements. 

They walked a little longer in comfortable silence. The only space that filled them was the sounds of their boots sloshing around in puddles. Lining the walls was ice and while there didn’t appear to be any icy patches, the ground was a bit crunchy from snow previously tracked in. 

It was strange, Anakin was beginning to feel even safer in the tunnels than he did walking through the main corridors of Hogwarts. Of course, he felt plenty fine going to and from class as was expected of him. However, exploration of Hogwarts on the surface was strangely forbidden, clearly containing more secrets than the teachers could manage. It was easier to delve deeper.

Not only that, but knowing there was a straight escape out of the building if need be was a bit comforting for Anakin. Seeing as his life had been attempted twice at this point, it was always good to know. That, or if Sebulba figured out it was he who turned his bed into a swamp.

“Hey,” Any comfort he felt seemed misguided by Rex’s tone, “Have you taken this route before?”

“I told you, I’ve never been to Hogsmeade.” Anakin said, but when he tried to continue walking, Rex grabbed him by the sleeve of his robe to force him in front of him. Concern filled the wide brown eyes of his friend, who was only illuminated by the soft glow at the tip of his wand. “What?”

“If you’ve never taken this way before, then how does snowdrift get dragged in here?” He nodded towards the small little dustings of snowy residue that peppered inconsistently across the surface leading forward. 

Anakin frowned and held the map down to his side, giving Rex his full thought and attention for that moment, which was all the more chilling. As much as the tunnels had become a safe haven and escape for Anakin, they were also the primary mode of transportation for his alleged attacker. 

“It’s cold down here.” He added, trying to remain optimistic.

“Not cold enough to freeze.” Rex said.

No, that was also true. While muggle school had bored him, he did understand the basic concepts of temperature control and how water would only freeze when reaching zero degrees celsius. And there were puddles of murky water lingering throughout the tunnels. If it were truly that cold, they would have froze over as well.

He sighed, “Okay, so should we turn back or go-”

Anakin didn’t have the time to finish that thought, because any suggestion he was about to make died on his tongue at the sound of shoes hitting stone flooring at a rapidly approaching speed.

He didn’t have to encourage Rex to follow him as he turned on his heels and began sprinting in the opposite direction. While he nearly dropped his wand in the process, Rex staggered next to him, trying his best to keep up. Somehow, he managed to keep his wand aglow, which did help a little in terms of allowing them to make out what was directly in front of them. However, the speed at which Rex flung his arms made the light seem like it was flashing. 

The way back towards Hogwarts was dark and the brandish motion of Rex’s wand gave off the heightened sensation of a strobe- slowing time impossibly. Anakin balled his hands into fists as he ran, crinkling the revered parchment tightly through his sweaty fingers.

In those seconds, his mind raced to many things.

Windu.

Phantom.

Vader.

The footsteps grew louder and more frantic, even over the sound of his brain pounding in his skull. Whoever chased them was quick and determined, but not heavy on their feet. Anakin veered his head to the side, trying to catch Rex’s eyes in the flickering light of his wobbling wand, but only saw a blur of his friend beside him and tried to focus more on getting out of here. 

It occurred to Anakin, suddenly, what it would take to discover the identity of this masked evil and he squeezed his fist so unbearably tight that it hurt. He wouldn’t tell Rex, so his friend would go on, but he had to know. He could only run for so long.

So, he stopped to a complete halt, trying to hastily unwrinkle the parchment he’d previously crushed in his knee jerk reaction. The tension that was caught in his digits made this exceptionally hard as well as the way his heart threatened to burst through his chest in anticipation. 

The map would reveal the truth. He would have his proof. He would have his name. There would be no more doubt that the person who has repeatedly made Anakin’s first year at Hogwarts so uncharacteristically strange was-

-BAM!

The breath was stolen from Anakin as he bore the full weight of a shrouded body that had been hurtling towards him. For a moment, he was floating and the only thought that drifted across his mind’s eye was that he was no longer holding the map or his wand. He wanted to curse, but the words were also no longer a luxury he could afford.

He skidded to the cold and damp floor, splashing into a puddle with a grunt and a gasp. It felt as though he’d gone into shock as he briefly wrestled in the dark with his witless attacker, who also seemed to have their senses knocked out of them by the impact. 

Blood pumped into Anakin’s ears and pain finally caught up with him after a moment and he looked up into bleak darkness, but had the presence of mind to shove this surprise guest off of him. It was surprisingly an easy feat, not nearly as dense as the menace on Halloween had been when he’d snuck up on him.

Even in his haze, it was clear to him that this wasn’t the same person. This person was small and desperate, scared even. As they rustled a bit in an unsure scuffle, he could feel what seemed to be an emblem on the front of the robe. 

There was no answer of course.

As if also just coming to, the mystery person scrambled to their feet in equal terror as Anakin had initially felt, and stumbled into what would become a running position, the sound of distant footsteps hitting puddles as well as strangely, an irregular fluttering. In what small lighting Rex’s wand allowed for him, he could see that this person was a young boy.

“Anakin, Anakin!” Rex’s arms were underneath Anakin’s armpits as he hoisted him to a standing position. His worried voice indicated that this had not been the first time he’d said his name. “Was that-”

“-That was a student!” Anakin gasped as he dusted himself off, no matter how little good that was going to do when he now had ice and dirty water on his robe. 

“We ought to go after him then!” Rex urged.

“The map!” Anakin panicked, “I was trying to get a look at the map and I dropped it!” 

Rex waved his wand across the floor and both boys exchanged shocked glances when they noticed not only Anakin’s map and wand in a particularly jagged shaped puddle beneath them, but several different slices of parchment all around. Anakin wasted no time looking at them yet as he plucked the map from the water.

“What’s it say?” Rex asked.

“Bollocks.” Anakin cursed, “It doesn’t work when it’s wet, apparently.”

“Well, what kind of spell is that?” He complained. 

“I’m sure Palpatine never thought I’d be dragging it through mud.” Anakin defended slightly and winced, “I hope I didn’t break it.”

Rex bent down to pick up another piece of parchment and frowned, “Well, I think this answers any question of what he was doing down here.”

Anakin looked over his friend’s shoulder and wrinkled his brow, “Homework?”

“This isn’t homework,” Rex rolled his eyes and brought the papers closer to the light, “These are answer keys to the OWLS tests for the fifth years.”

***

Obi-Wan and Satine had searched what seemed like the entire school with growing trepidation. Obi-Wan, in particular, was trying his best not to seem shaken by his mentee’s absence while Satine wondered when and how she was going to suggest adult intervention.

She didn’t have to, luckily, because right as that moment felt inevitable, they stumbled across Anakin and Rex as the boys stood with hands on their knees, huffing and puffing outside of the Gryffindor common room. From her peripherals, she could see Obi-Wan relax substantially and she was also glad for their safety. However, such relief did not prevent varying questions from flooding her mind.

Obi-Wan beat her to the first one, “Where have you two been hiding?”

Anakin straightened with the alarm of someone that was trying to disguise having been caught. Doing what, Satine supposed they didn’t have definitive proof of. At the very least, they’d obviously been running.

“Um, cardio.” He so obviously lied, “For Quidditch.”

“In your full uniforms.” Satine said plainly and then looked to Rex, “Rex isn’t even on the team.”

The youngest Fett’s frown deepened, but after exchanging a quick glance with his best friend and co-conspirator, eased into what Satine could only assume was purposeful ignorance. “I’d like to be someday.”

That much, while true, was irrelevant. She wasn’t buying it and clearly, Obi-Wan wasn’t either. 

“You skipped class- Herbology, mind you, which is far from your strongest subject in order to run around like hooligans?”

“We didn’t mean to miss class.” Anakin justified, “We completely lost track of time!”

Satine rolled her eyes, “You’re really going to have to do better than that. For skipping class no other purpose besides playing hooky, I’ll have no choice but to assign detention for the both of you this evening.”

“Wait, okay!” Rex broke a bit, clearly not keen on spending his time with the likes of Krell and truthfully, Satine didn’t want him to either, “We were… Investigating.”

“Rex!” Anakin glared at his friend.

“No, do share, please.” Obi-Wan said, holding out a hand to cue Anakin to silence.

“We were trying to figure out who was behind this cheating scandal that’s going around.” Rex said and Satine furrowed her brow at the way Anakin slackened ever so slightly at this “admission” of truth.

“That’s the job of prefects and professors.” Obi-Wan reminded them, “Not first years.”

“Yeah, well, did either of you find this?” Anakin boasted as he held a surprisingly wet piece of parchment out in front of him, “Because a couple of dumb first years did.”

“I never said you were dumb.” Obi-Wan returned as he took the dripping paper away to take a better look at it. Over his shoulder, Satine caught a glance too and couldn’t help the small gasp that she took in.

“Where did you find this?” Satine asked in a treacherously concerned voice. 

“And why is it wet?” Obi-Wan winced and wiped his hand on the side of his robe. 

“Outside.” Anakin said, “Right near the entrance.”

“We were running, because we thought we saw the kid.” Rex added and for this bit, Satine could see that Rex was relaying what he believed to be the truth.

The heaps of snow that covered the rolling terrain did explain quite obviously why the parchment was soaked in some parts, but not why it existed at all. The OWLS weren’t for another couple of months and yet, the answers (albeit, smudged) were right in Obi-Wan’s hands. Neither prefect took to looking at them too closely in fear of glimpsing any of the answers in-context, but enough to know this was certainly the key for a Transfiguration exam.

“Thank you for bringing this to our attention.” Obi-Wan nodded at the two of them. He was very practiced at maintaining a cool composition, even if Satine could see the cracks in his display from a kilometer away. It seemed to placate Anakin and Rex, who were also trying not to seem jostled.

“Does this mean we don’t have detention?”

If Satine had it her way, she’d want to add further questions before making such a promise, but Obi-Wan seemed to have other ideas.

“For now.” He said sternly, “But see to it that your spree of vigilantism stops right here. The main priority for you two is to go to school and learn, not engage in criminal investigations.”

“Leave that to us.” Satine added with hands on her hips, “And remember that we might not be as kind next time you choose to skip class.” 

Both first years nodded their heads hastily and at Obi-Wan’s firm dismissal, jogged off to dinner, trying to beat the other through the doors. Instead of following them inside, Obi-Wan shared a concerned look with Satine.

“What do you make of this?”

“It was one thing when it was regular exams and essays,” Satine admitted, “But this is supposed to be a standardized examination. Whoever is doing this has contacts that run deep.”

“I know.” He said, “It’s good that you have seen reason.”

Feeling as though something halted and reverberated within her, Satine stepped back, completely incredulous. “Pardon?”

He frowned in confusion, “You see that this cannot be Anakin now.”

“I see no such thing!” She offset, “We’ve drawn no absolute conclusions yet!”

“He literally handed us the test paper, Satine.” He said. 

“Need I remind you that he clearly did not want to?” She argued, “Rex was the one to goad him into it.”

“He doesn’t have the sort of contacts to get access to this level of cheating!” He said, “And I’ve been with him almost constantly.”

“Almost constantly except today.” She reminded him.

“And you believe Rex complicit.” 

“I didn’t say that!” She said, “I don’t know what I believe and neither do you.”

“I believe Anakin wasn’t being wholly honest with us, but he’s not a cheater. If anything, he was likely trying to seek out more information on who freed the Zillo Beast.” Obi-Wan stood up straight, as if his more impressive height would give him an advantage in this spinning wheel of an argument. 

“And I hope that’s the case!” She insisted, “But even still, that is something he should most certainly not handle alone.”

“Anakin doesn’t trust the manner of investigation here,” He said firmly, “And frankly, I can see why.”

“That sounds a bit fishy to me, actually.” She said, “You and I have given him no reason for mistrust.”

“Well, I haven’t.” He said bitterly.

“Don’t you dare try to lump me in with Windu’s oversight regarding Krell.” She poked him hard in the chest, “I don’t believe with certainty that it’s Anakin, I admit, and I do have many more questions in relation to this whole mystery now, but I will not rule any potential suspects out.”

“God forbid we rule anyone out in an investigation!” He said, waving around the parchment, “Good thing you’re not an Auror, because everyone would constantly be a possible suspect of crime.”

“Yeah, well good thing you aren’t one either!” She snapped and it felt cold as it came out, but her mouth seemed to move before her brain could think, “Because not only does it require the courage to pursue Defense Against the Dark Arts, but critical thinking!”

His eyes widened a tad and his mouth fell open a tad, “I- Well, then. Why are you even investigating alongside me in the first place?”

“Ben...” She tried, regretting what she said if only a little bit.

“I’ll see you later.” He said shortly, “We’ve got a counter-charm to develop, no? I am smart enough to help with that, right?”

“I never said-”

“-No, but you did.” He laughed a little, even if it wasn’t funny to him, “And it’s okay. Really, it’s inconsequential since we both know that’s not where my path is going anyway.”

She opened her mouth as if to speak, but couldn’t figure out what to say. She didn’t believe Anakin was entirely innocent in all of this, but she wasn’t hellbent on his guilt as Obi-Wan seemed to believe she was. And regardless of how it came out, the most infuriating part of Obi-Wan not actively pursuing what he dreamed to do, was that he was perfect for the job.

***

Hondo Ohnaka specialized in many things. 

Bribery, scheming, smuggling. All things pirating, really, but most of all, he prided himself on his charms- both in the magical and personal sense. He’d never have such an aptitude to sell his scams if he wasn’t so damn convincing. Plus, there was his fearlessness. He did not fear trouble and almost welcomed it… To an extent. 

He took a very large hit when exempting himself from the cheating scandal. It was a shame, really, because it was just the kind of sleaziness that Hondo could have made a killing off of! It was not as though he hadn’t thought of it in the past, of course, but he didn’t have the means that this mystery cheater had. 

Even though he had been insulted that Kryze and Kenobi initially suspected him, he became truly offended when they believed he wouldn’t have been able to pull it off. Naturally, he could. He totally could. And yes, he had inadvertently promised to keep an eye on things for Kenobi, because even though Hondo was a pirate at heart, he did have a soft spot for the prefect. It was dangerous, he knew, but Kenobi was one of the few people to be nice to Hondo in those early days.

It counted for a little bit, that was all. Should this cheater offer Hondo a great sum of the profit, that would be a different story and he’d hope Kenobi would understand.

In a way, his promise to play lookout benefited him in the long run, making it possible for him to sell his Valentine’s Day gags more in the open. He could keep watch for anyone exiting from any secret corridors or at the late night, seeming like his typical troublemaking self, while getting a first glance at the person AND making a profit or alliance.

He knew with Kryze involved that he would be on a short leash, but he would make do.

He was just in the middle of making a decent sell- heart shaped chocolates that were supposed to make you look like your crush’s exact type- when Anakin Skywalker seemed to appear from nowhere, running right into him.

“Hey, kiddo, watch where you’re going!” He scolded, only irritated because the chocolates hit the floor. His buyer, a sad sack named Max Rebo, raised and lowered his large blue ears in exasperation, before scurrying away.

“Sorry, Hondo.” The boy dusted himself off and bent over to help him pick up the candies. “What are these?”

“I wouldn’t if I were you.” Hondo warned him when the boy raised the chocolate to his lips, “It could give you horrible diarrhea.”

Skywalker would surely tell his mentor what happened if Hondo got the kid sick and the last thing he needed was to miss out on the Valentine’s day sales. 

Skywalker winced and tossed it back into the heart shape box, “Can’t risk that twice this term.”

Hondo didn’t really want to know the bowel habits of the first year, but was curious what he was doing wandering the halls so close to curfew. He narrowed his eyes at him.

“You’re not trying to move in on my turf are you?” He asked.

“What? No!” Anakin insisted, “I’m just running late is all.”

As an experienced liar, Hondo knew that while that was true, it didn’t answer his question in full. Besides, the boy looked a bit too nervous for someone that was being questioned by one of the least authoritative figures in school. It was mighty suspicious.

“You better not be!” Hondo assured, “Because I don’t take well to splitting profits evenly… Well, unless I’m mooching off someone else.”

“Are people really buying this stuff?” He asked.

“What? You don’t like?” Hondo asked, distracted from his suspicions to be annoyed at the implications from the kid. “You’d be surprised what people do for love.”

Skywalker shifted in his stance, “I don’t know if love is worth the stomachache.” 

Hondo placed a hand on his shoulder and tried to look wise, “Love is a stomachache, Skywalker.”

***

Despite how frazzled he still was from their encounter with the mysterious cheater in the tunnels (as well as with Hondo), Anakin was never too nervous not to be swept in the calming yet alluring aura that was Padmé Amidala. It was hard not to, when it seemed even without the aid of the map, that destiny tended to cross their paths in the halls.

As per usual, she was trailed by some other Gryffindor girls whom she was quite close with- this time, Saché and Rabé. However, Anakin could hardly notice them when her laugh seemed to fill the whole hallway… Until Rabé (he thinks- her friends all looked very similar to him) said something of interest.

“I take it you won’t be receiving any valentines this year from Sebulba.” She said.

“No, I don’t think so.” Padmé chuckled, “And I think he’s afraid I’ll send him one carved of toenails and earwax or something dreadful.”

“I’d say it’s a shame he finally went “fully mad”, but I can’t say I find it in me to feel bad for the bloke.” Saché added.

“I still do.” Padmé offered with a shrug, “Not enough to do anything crazy like date him, but people don’t just become like that, you know?”

“Still,” Rabé sighed wistfully, “It’d be nice if some of the boys around here had a proper romantic bone in their body.”

Padmé smiled knowingly and nudged Saché, whose cheeks matched her tie, “Not just boys. Have you thought about making something for Yané?”

“Oh bugger off,” She scowled, “I’ve got no time for romance as of late, thank you very much.”

“That’s a no.” Rabé teased, “You know she’s going to knit you something beautiful.”

“She’s going to make something beautiful for all of us, thank you.” Saché said, “Because she’s talented like that.”

“So are you, in your own ways.” Padmé said encouragingly. “You’ve just gotta put yourself out there. Who cares if you’re a year younger?”

Anakin swore his heart was floating somewhere midair- as if a passerby cast a Wingardium Leviosa spell on it without warning. How was someone so unassumingly beautiful? It felt somehow, like he was meant to overhear the advice, but knew if he lingered much longer he’d be noticed from his position around the corridor. Instead, he walked with haste to the library. 

What was he going to do?

***

“Okay, mentor, I’ve got a problem and you need to help me fix it. ASAP.” Anakin burst into the library and dropped his stack of books on the table in front of Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan cringed at the glares they received from surrounding tables and raised a finger to his lips.

“Have you no mind for those that use the library as more than a place to nap?” Satine hissed, acting much less subtle in her approach.

“Sorry.” Anakin said, but was too caught up in whatever was going on to be genuine in his apology. “I just have a major problem.”

‘Major problems’ could be anything on the scale of miniscule to horrific when it came to Anakin, so it was difficult to decipher which this would be. Regardless, Obi-Wan made his peace with the fact that whatever studying he’d been planning would have to wait until later. 

In truth, he’d already been derailed by the undercurrent of tension presently wrapped around him and Satine. She was still cross with him and he felt likewise, but they’d both been too stubborn to give up their usual seat at the library.  

“What’s going on?” Obi-Wan asked.

True to his dramatic entrance, he flopped backwards across a row of wooden chairs with a heavy sigh. “Valentine’s Day is coming up.”

It was obvious that Satine was doing everything in her power not to roll her eyes, which while Obi-Wan felt a similar sense of exasperation, did not want to give her the satisfaction of agreement.

“That’s all?” He asked, voice carefully neutral.

“That’s all?” Anakin shot up in horror. “It’s quite possibly the worst thing that could ever happen to me.”

“You are aware it happens every year, aren’t you?” Satine asked.

He shook his head adamantly, shaking his shaggy hair, “This year is different. This year, I’m in love. I’m in love with the prettiest girl in school and it’s completely awful.”

“You do remember Halloween, right?” Obi-Wan asked, “When you were almost killed by the rogue Zillo Beast? Or at the holiday party? That, to me, is much more qualified to be the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.”

“Physical injuries have nothing on injuries of the heart.” He clutched his chest for emphasis and Satine couldn’t withhold the chuckle that seemed to bubble up inside her, though try as she might for Anakin’s sake.

“I’m sorry,” She smirked at his grimace. “I don’t know what’s funnier: the theatrics or the fact that of all the people in the world, you chose to come to him for romantic advice.”

Obi-Wan frowned, “And what’s wrong with asking me?”

“Yeah, what is wrong with asking him?” Anakin rounded on Satine, who remained cool under the pressure of both boys’ expectant stares.

“He knows positively zilch about love.” She said as if it were obvious, which prickled Obi-Wan in all the wrong ways.

“That’s not true!” He argued, even if someone else had asked him a mere ten minutes ago, he likely would have told them the truth. He just didn’t like Satine telling not only him, but his protégé what he did and didn’t know, particularly about this sensitive subject. “I know more than you do!”

Sometimes, he learned, it was best to call someone’s bluff. He just couldn’t tell if he was calling Satine’s or his own.

“Yeah, Obi-Wan’s the smartest guy I know!” Anakin slung an arm around him in support.

She crossed her arms, “Do share then, oh wise one.”

He opened his mouth and then closed it before opening it again. He racked his brain to say anything to wipe that smug look off Satine’s face. She seemed so certain that he was clueless and the fact that he was transparent in his lack of knowledge on the subject bristled him more.

The audacity of it all! Who was she to assume what he did and didn’t know? Then again, it shouldn’t surprise him, seeing as she refused to believe him of Anakin’s innocence in the cheat-sheet scandal. 

“I don’t need to prove myself to you.” He sniffed, “Anakin came to me, because he trusts and respects my opinion and believes I can fix this situation for him.”

“You can?” Anakin asked excitedly.

“He can’t.” Satine answered, “You don’t ‘fix’ a crush, particularly not someone else’s. If you knew anything about love, you’d have come to that conclusion on your own.”

“And what do you know about love? I don’t see you walking around with a boyfriend either.” He pointed out.

“By choice!” She snapped, finally, much to his satisfaction, seeming as heated as he was, “And anyway, at least I’ve been kissed before.”

Obi-Wan’s jaw dropped, despite how little he wanted to display his shock at this revelation. He wasn’t sure what he felt in response to that, but he didn’t like the sickly feeling that crawled around his stomach. He mentally shoved it away as far as it could go so as not to further influence this argument.

“When?” He asked, voice cracking only a little, “Who?”

“Bryce Saxon when I was 10.” She said.

“Nice!” Anakin said at the same time Obi-Wan said, “That doesn’t count! We didn’t even know each other.”

“Why does that matter?” She asked, “Did my life not truly begin until I met you?”

“I-I” He stammered, “I just meant it’s circumstantial proof if we don’t know the person.”

“You don’t have to. Why would I lie?”

“To make me jealous?” He spat and when her eyes widened at that, he quickly added, “-That you have kissed someone while I haven’t.”

“Sorry to disappoint you, but I’ve got better things to do than lie about my accomplishments.” She said. “And you should know all about circumstantial evidence.”

Ah, so there it was. She was still lashing out about his disbelief in her claim. That only enraged him more. 

“As if kissing some twerpy bloke is an accomplishment.” He sneered, hating every bit of himself that was getting so riled up by this hushed debate. He and Satine argued all of the time, but never like this. The subject matter was sensitive and typically something they stayed away from. Or at least, he thought they did.

“Why do you naturally assume he’s twerpy?” She asked. “It’s not like you’ve got much room to judge.”

Was she calling him twerpy? Did that bother him?

“Regardless of what he was like, his existence is irrelevant, because an elementary-aged kiss is hardly the muse of romantics, which means it’s useless to Anakin.”

“That’s a good point.” Anakin said.

“Yes, well, Anakin is 11. I was 10. If anything, I’m more advanced than Anakin and would better assimilate my experiences to his.” She countered. 

“Also a good point.” He said thoughtfully.

Obi-Wan clenched his jaw. Would she stop bringing up that stupid kiss? “It’s best for advice to come from a mature and collected perspective. Sometimes, being caught in the hysterics of the situation is not the best position to be giving out any information.”

“That’s-” Anakin began.

“-I thought it was just a twerpy kiss?” She rose to her feet with her hands planted firm on the table.

“I’m not the one citing a peck on the lips as gospel reasoning to be fully informed on the throes of romance.” He met her with equal passion, their faces only centimeters apart. “I would also like to point out that I know much better what my protégé is capable of.”

“Do you?” She retorted.  

“Is this a bad time?” Anakin asked awkwardly, “Because I’m starting to feel like this isn’t really about me anymore?”

It was totally about Anakin, while simultaneously not. Obi-Wan certainly didn’t have it in him to explain.

“No, it’s a perfectly good time. Come along, Anakin. Let’s get you a Valentine.”

Obi-Wan stood up straight, keeping his glare fixed on Satine, who was just as formidable in holding a staring contest as he was. Oh, he’d show her. He’d ensure that this issue was resolved so that they could resume their normal studies. Then, she wouldn’t assume he was some… Love-less dolt ever again. And he wouldn’t have to hear about her stupid kiss with Bryce Saxon.

“Come to me if you’d like actual help, Anakin.” She called after them.

“He won’t need it.” Obi-Wan returned hotly. “He’s in the best hands.”

“So, what do I do?” Anakin asked after they were far out of ear shot and walking through the halls.

“I don’t know.” Obi-Wan sighed with dropped shoulders.

***

The two of them eventually returned to the library that evening, opting to skip dinner in favor of getting some research time while Satine wouldn’t be expected there. Anakin had really hoped to have a break from reading. His homework load was getting marginally larger as was, particularly in Charms, which while his favorite subject, had his least favorite professor.

“I can’t believe you willingly come here for all your answers. How do you find the patience?” Anakin asked.

“I’ve always liked to read.” Obi-Wan said, “It’s an escape.”

Not quite understanding what the handsome, perfect, rich student would want to escape from, Anakin continued his pacing.

“Maybe if you spent less time escaping, we’d have the answer to my Valentine’s Day dilemma.”

“I don’t spend all my time reading.” He said, “Some of us have responsibilities.”

“Yeah, you’re too busy busting the couples that are snogging when you could probably use a little of that yourself.” He said.

“I’m not a complete drag.” Obi-Wan said, “I’m trying to help you, aren’t I?”

“Yeah, to prove a point to Satine. Which, by the way, you’re not doing so hot.” He said.

“Who does she think she is? Going off about how I don’t know anything about love?” He scowled, which proved Anakin’s theory that his annoyance wasn’t with him in the slightest. He was distracted in a way Anakin had never seen him all year and it was over something so silly.

“Well, to be fair… You don’t.” He said, “Or else I doubt we’d be literally looking it up in the encyclopedia.”

“Have you got any better ideas?” He quirked a brow.

“Of course not!” Anakin said. “I’m 11! You’re the prefect and my mentor! You’re supposed to know everything.”

“Where is that written?” Obi-Wan asked as he marked a page in the book he was skimming. Anakin always wondered how he read so fast. It was like he could just glance at a page and understand its contents.

“I don’t know,” He said, “But you are older and older people are definitely supposed to know more about this kind of stuff, especially teenagers.”

“It seems I missed that lesson, then.” He answered just as stiffly. “Just sit still and feel free to study for your Charms exam if you so wish.”

“How can I study when I feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest every time I think about this girl? You have no idea what it’s like to see her and not tell her she looks beautiful, but also those words never come, because you don’t want to sound like a freak. And then when she is anywhere within the vicinity it’s like a slow but pleasant torture, because seeing her just makes things… Better, I don’t know.”

“I’m sure you’ll find a way.” He said carefully. “Just like the rest of us.”

Anakin frowned, “What do you mean?”

Obi-Wan peered at him from over his book, “I’m not an alien. I have feelings! Everyone does. They’re completely natural, but you cannot allow them to dictate your every action.”

“So, what you’re saying is…” Anakin said slowly. “You like-like someone.”

He fiddled with his watch, which must have become a new nervous tick of his when under pressure. “I didn’t say that.”

“Yeah, but Qui-Gon says sometimes, it’s about what we don’t say that’s more telling about what we mean.” He pointed out, hoping he was using that phrase correctly. 

Obi-Wan pinched his brow and then slowly massaged his temples. “Okay, if it helps you, let’s just say I have had… Instances where I’ve occasionally felt… Emotionally conflicted... About someone.”

“Who?” Anakin asked.

“That’s hardly relevant to your dilemma!” He returned.

“So, what do you do?” Anakin asked.

Anakin noticed that Obi-Wan seemed strained, like he was trying to figure out the answer to that question and was coming up short every time a new thought seemed to cross his mind.

“Are you friends with this girl?” Obi-Wan finally asked, leaning on his forearms.

“She barely knows I exist.” He puffed at that.

“Then, I suggest you befriend her first.”

Anakin’s eyes bulged out, “Oh great! Never thought of that idea! Thank you so much, love guru.”

Obi-Wan sighed, “Find common ground and remember that she is also a person with feelings. In the trials of any relationship- whether it be platonic or romantic, you must always consider the other person’s position and feelings.”

“So, when do I get to kiss her?”

“Maybe never.” Obi-Wan said.

“What? I can’t believe I came to you at all! What kind of advice is that?”

“You can’t force something, Anakin.” He said. “And your intentions must be pure. Wouldn’t you rather have her in your life to some capacity than none at all?”

Though the prospect of just being friends didn’t have nearly the same amount of appeal as bestowing Padmé with the most glamorous Valentine’s Day gift of all time, it did feel a little more his current speed.

“Thanks, Obi-Wan.” He smiled.

***

“Satine, I’ve come to use your services.” Anakin said as he seemed to pop out of nowhere.

“How did you- Where did you-?” She stammered, looking around her, but then back at the expectant boy. “What are you talking about?”

“Love advice, of course.” He said, “But you can’t tell Obi-Wan I came to you. I think it’ll hurt his feelings.”

Satine couldn’t help but feel smug as she led them into an empty classroom, careful to shut the door behind her. Sure, she wouldn’t tell Obi-Wan that his advice had clearly not measured up as he’d been so positive it would. It wasn’t about being right, it was about how bemusing it was for either him or Anakin to assume he knew anything about romance. While she was certainly not trying to give off the impression that she knew everything, she was at least more aware of her own personal feelings.

Other people’s, of course, were questionable.

Sitting behind what would be the professor’s desk, she folded her hands. “How may I be of assistance?”

“Just to let you know, I’m not coming to you because I’m totally convinced that you’ll be able to help me either.” He said, “But… You are a girl and so is Padmé so, why not?”

She frowned. Who taught this boy how to ask for help before? He was nothing like Viz, who was polite and quiet, but also incredibly studious and perceptive. She was impressed at his quiet wit for such a young boy, but never had to worry he would say something to make someone else cross.

Anakin, on the other hand, was a troublemaker, and was insistent on making the entire school, but apparently Obi-Wan, know it. 

“And you are making me want to help you less and less.” She scowled.

“Not if you want to best Obi-Wan.” He wagged his finger, “Which judging by that heated argument yesterday, I’d say you do.”

She didn’t appreciate the word ‘heated’ being tossed here and there as though this were some passionate feud that was controlling every facet of their very being. Regardless of their present disagreement, which still boiled her blood when she thought about it, they were perfectly capable of continuing about their daily business. Their prefect duties never suffered, they still worked well together in class, and even studied together. Admittedly, the ladder was much more indicative of neither willing to give up their spot. 

However, she’d be lying to say that she wouldn’t benefit from proving a point, even if just to herself.

“Start by telling me what you like about Padmé.”

“She’s got this beautiful way about her.” He said, “Like she radiates sunshine. It’s almost like she’s an angel.”

She smiled encouragingly, “Yes, and?”

“She runs her fingers through her hair a lot, but it never messes it up. It’s like she doesn’t even try to be perfect, but she is.”

“Okay, what else?” She asked.

“Her smile just lights up the whole room. Of course, I usually only see it from afar.”

She narrowed her eyes, “Anything that isn’t based solely on her appearance?”

“Please don’t make this one of those rants.” He said, “Friendly reminder that Viz is your mentee, not me.”

“Sure, but Viz doesn’t corner me in the hallway looking for advice on how to talk to a girl.”

“I can talk to girls!” He said defensively. “Just not the love of my life.”

She wanted to admonish him for being dramatic, but Anakin had this insistently hopeful demeanor that she just couldn’t bring herself to break. Many young kids believe their first crush is to be their first love and later their only love. She couldn’t begrudge them for holding onto that hope. Her parents always said that the Kryze’s mate for life- referencing that they were each other’s first and only loves. That being said, she would never wish for her dear mother to remain alone simply because of those values. Sometimes, happiness meant getting beyond your first.

“It just seems to me, Anakin, that you’re less in love and more infatuated.”

“Huh?” He asked.

“It means you are more invested in the idea of Padmé than who she really is, because you haven’t actually gotten to know her yet.”

“Funny, none of these books that Obi-Wan and I found said anything about that.” He said as he placed them down in front of her.

She picked one of them up. “Enchanting Maneuvers for the Romantically Troubled”  

“Seriously?” She chuckled, “This was his big reference guide?”

“But he also told me to be friends with her.” He sighed, “Sounds like I’m going to be feeling this sharp pain for a while.”

Satine touched his hand. “This is just a part of growing up.”

“Is this how you felt with Bruce Sexpot?”

“Bryce Saxon.” She snorted, “At the time, a bit. He was my first kiss, but nothing more than that. If I’m honest with you, it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be on the playground.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, he had potato salad on his face.” She cringed.

“I don’t think that’ll be the case for Padmé.” He said, “She’s always pretty.”

“It’s not just about being pretty.” She said, “It’s about learning the things about her that aren’t so pretty and still accepting and appreciating them about her. It’s about getting to know her and finding out your commonalities and your differences and striking a balance. It’s about being a true friend to her, even without the promise of romantic entanglements.”

“Obi-Wan kinda said that too.” He groaned. “And you’re sure I’ll be okay?”

“Yes, Anakin.” She smiled, “I guess I can’t begrudge Ben too much. Though, did he tell you how to make proper valentines for someone?”

“No!” He brightened. “I can still do that?”

“Of course, you can.” She scoffed, “Valentines don’t have to be romantic, especially at your age. It’s all in the presentation.”

“Will you help me?” He asked shyly.

“Of course.” She smiled warmly, understanding a bit what Obi-Wan saw in the boy sometimes. His boyishness could be rather sweet. It didn’t change how rambunctious he was nor that he suspected he’s been up to something lately, but he wasn’t entirely just trouble. “And I must say, Padmé is a very lucky girl to be receiving all this fuss.”

“I should probably add that she’s a whole year older.” He said, “Making her unattainable, which Obi-Wan pointed out likely has its level of appeal for someone like me.”

“Someone like you?” She questioned.

“He used the word ‘brash’, but I don’t know.” He shrugged, “I just want this feeling to either go away completely right now or to do something about it. I can’t just sit on this like Obi-Wan does.”

Satine’s eyes flew from the covers of the ridiculous books to Anakin, heart skittering in her chest.

“Ben likes someone?” She blurted.

“Yeah, it shocked me too.” He said.

To say she was conflicted was a massive understatement. On one hand, the possibility of Obi-Wan having a crush was… Intriguing from the perspective of his friend, who wanted nothing but the best for him (even when he pissed her off). However, speaking as someone who sometimes found herself stealing a peek at him over her library book just to admire the way the light caught his hair, it was reasonably quite disarming.

Then, of course, there was the part of her that was furious he never gave any indication of showing interest in another girl.

“If it even is another-”

“-Oh shut it.” She mentally battled. She needed to remind herself that she was still annoyed with the person in question. 

“Did…” She kneaded her hands, trying desperately hard to keep her voice level and of casual curiosity. “Did he happen to say who?”

“Of course not.” He rolled his eyes. “You know him. It’s huge that he just revealed he has feelings at all. That’s about as far as he’ll go for a while.”

“Right.” She tightened her jaw.

If Anakin noticed any piqued interest, he didn’t say anything, and she believed she knew enough about Anakin to determine that he pretty much said everything he could think of. Case and point: the fact that Obi-Wan likely did not want this information to get to anyone.

“Anyway,” He continued, “What am I doing for Padmé?”

She’d been lost in thought for a moment, analyzing every detail of their argument from the previous day. It wasn’t completely out of the ordinary for her to be contemplating her interactions with Obi-Wan from all possible sides. It’s what she’d been reduced to since the end of their fourth year when she’d had the horrifying realization that she may think of him as more than just a friend. But Anakin shook a hand in front of her face to get her attention. “Satine?”

“Oh!” She flushed, “Sorry, I got a bit distracted about… Charms homework. We’re going to do roses, Anakin.”

***

Cody appreciated that when Satine and Kenobi got into it that they tried their best to leave him out of it. It didn’t usually work since both prefects were very snippy and snarky at all times, let alone when they were in a quarrel. It certainly kept things interesting, especially with how quick their topic of debate could change.

“Okay, remind me again what you’re huffy about today?” He asked Satine as they walked from her Defense Against the Dark Arts class together. 

“Ben is the most infuriating person on this forsaken earth.” She spat, gripping her textbook a little tighter to her chest.

“You realize that doesn’t narrow it down in the slightest, right?” He smirked, but Satine clearly didn’t find it funny, because she shot him a glare before yanking him by the arm to the side, secluding them from onlookers with a nearby coat of arms 

“You know he likes someone?” She hissed. 

He frowned, “He’s a kind lad, I assumed he liked a lot of people.”

“No,” She groaned, “Like-like’s. Anakin told me.”

Cody considered this, “Kenobi’s got a crush, huh?”

“Yes!” She waved her hands in exasperation, “One that he didn’t elect to mention to either of us, mind you.”

“Well-”

“-We’re supposed to be his best friends!” She argued, cheeks turning red, “And while I understand that he tends to lock up his feelings in a little box and store it somewhere hidden, crushes are the sorts of things you share with friends, right?”

“Sometimes-” He started again.

“-Unless it’s someone we would disapprove.” She said thoughtfully, but the anger thrumming through her veins didn’t seem to simmer, “Which is positively ridiculous, because we’d be supportive, right?”

“Of course-”

“-I mean, it’s not someone of the likes of Ventress or anything.” She said definitively and continued walking, to which Cody followed, “That would be the only scenario in which I could see truly being keen on hiding it.”

He gagged, “If Kenobi’s type is pure evil, sure, maybe… But maybe he hasn’t told us because-”

“-He doesn’t even spend any time with other girls.” She said defensively, “Or boys! I suppose I shouldn’t presume, but he’s never mentioned, looked at, or spent an ounce of time with anyone else! Just us, most of the time. It’s extremely misleading as to who he could possibly have romantic feelings for.”

Cody cleared his throat, “Er-”

Luckily, Satine seemed more motivated to have this conversation with herself rather than it be an open discussion, so he didn’t have to think his way out of that one.

“-And what does that say about us?” She stopped in her tracks, face scrunched in thought, “That we can’t notice that our friend has gone smitten over someone else? Like… That’s ridiculous. I- We surely would have seen some signs.”

Cody shrugged, “Should he fancy someone, that’s his business, right?”

“Right, sure, yeah, but who?” She clenched a fist, “And… Why?” There was an obvious vulnerability at the end of that statement.

“Are you sure this is what’s bothering you so much?” He finally asked as they approached their next classes. 

“Of course!” She turned on him, daring him with piercing eyes to insinuate otherwise, “What if they’re not good enough for him?”

“I’m sure she is.” Cody said carefully and patted her on the shoulder, “I know it’s in your natural coding to worry about him, but I’m sure it’s no big deal. Your source is Anakin after all, right?”

“That’s… Fair.” She paused, but still seemed unsure. She sighed, “This would be a whole lot easier if he didn’t communicate his feelings as well as a piece of toast.”

Cody chuckled. Yes, things might be very different if that were not the case.

***

Obi-Wan pushed in the door to Qui-Gon’s office. He was early and he knew Qui-Gon was still at dinner, so he didn’t bother knocking since he knew Qui-Gon wouldn’t mind. He settled himself in the large armchair by the fire and grabbed a book off the top of his previously abandoned stack. He didn’t open it yet, instead he stared up at the portraits haphazardly reaching towards the ceiling.

They were arguing about his and Qui-Gon’s investigation, which wasn’t unusual. Qui-Gon’s office wasn’t the most riveting place for a painting to hang in hogwarts, but considering the professor’s love of a good debate they were allowed to yell over one another and argue about the latest gossip, whether that be the latest scheme or the actual criminal investigation was always up in the air.

“I say, I say!” Yelled a portrait from across the room, “It couldn’t have been Windu, he hadn’t been near the table all night!”

“May I remind you we’re wizards?” Another called, “You wouldn’t have to be near something for anything to happen!”

“I bet Windu let out the beast too!” Another commented, “Halloween night. He was an Auror, he’d know a dark spell or two.”

“But I saw him on Halloween,” Obi-Wan thought out loud, “I was in his office,” The portraits quieted before another shouted.

“I saw Mace run out of his office during the attack! There’s no way he could have been all the way to the library and back without notice!” And the voices erupted all at once.

Obi-Wan tried to think around the noise, although it was true that the two different attacks didn’t lend themselves to having the same suspect, he hadn’t considered it a possibility that both could be related. In fact it was a rather curious possibility. Surely the mysterious figure described by Anakin would have been furious for the escape of such a beast. Would they have been mad enough to attempt to poison a student.

The door squeaked open and Obi-Wan practically jumped up, letting the book he’d forgotten he was holding roll off onto the floor.

“Qui-Gon,” Obi-Wan greeted and the man looked surprised, but he wasted no time, “Do you think both attacks could share a suspect?” Qui-Gon’s brow quirked as he considered the statement.

“I suppose-“ Qui-Gon started.

“If you had been keeping a dangerous pet below the school and an eleven year old let it free, would you want revenge?” He pushed and Qui-Gon walked to his desk.

“Well I personally would not try and kill a child no,” He tried making light, but his face fell back into consideration, “I suppose it’s a possibility,” He decided.

“Professor Windu couldn’t have done it then,” Obi-Wan started to pace, steps sliding into familiar places on the stone floor.

“I’ve already determined that it wasn’t Mace,” Qui-Gon cut in and Obi-Wan screeched to a halt.

“What? When?” He pressed, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“He has several alibis and he even showcased to me the last 100 spells his wand had cast,” Qui-Gon explained, “It was good enough for me to believe his innocence and the book was only borrowed after we returned to school.”

“So who was absent on Halloween night, but at the party?” Obi-Wan asked, mostly to himself.

“That’s a good place to start, but don’t let such a narrow search cloud your mind.”

***

Cody was up before the rest of the guys in his year. Quidditch days always had that effect on him, it didn’t matter that this match was between Ravenclaw and Slytherin, it only mattered that he’d get a chance to watch his favorite game in the world be played. He wasted little time getting dressed. It was still cold outside with a little snow left on the ground, though he was sure it would soon fade away into spring. Professional Quidditch was usually played in the spring and summer months, but Cody always figured it was best that they got to learn to play in all sorts of conditions throughout the school year; that way he’d be ready for anything.

In the common room he found Anakin asleep on the couch, a transfiguration textbook on the floor just below a limp hand as it had clearly slipped when he’d fallen asleep. Cody debated with himself for a moment before reaching over and gently shaking the other boy awake. Anakin startled and looked around with wide eyes before they landed on Cody.

“What?” He mumbled, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and Cody grinned at him in response.

“You’d better clear up here before the prefects wake up. I doubt they’d be too happy to find a first year sleeping in the common room past curfew,” Anakin just blinked before moving his transfiguration book from the floor to the table.

“Yeah I guess you’re probably right,” Anakin yawned and Cody leaned on the back of the couch for a minute watching him shuffle parchment into a stack.

“Whatcha doing sleeping down here anyways? Is it Rex’s snoring?” Cody asked in jest and Anakin laughed, but shook his head.

“Rex doesn’t snore! He says you do though,” Anakin’s grin seemed to falter for a minute before he admitted, “I just haven’t been sleeping well lately,” Cody frowned, but tossed the expression from his face when Anakin turned to look at him.

“That’s alright,” Cody shrugged, “Things can get a little crazy at Hogwarts, but look on the brightside, it’s a Quidditch Saturday!” Anakin did perk up in interest at that.

“Obi-Wan’s playing right?” Anakin asked and Cody nodded.

“Ravenclaw vs Slytherin!” Cody announced enthusiastically, “It may not be as exciting as playing a match, but we’ll need to see who wins so we know where we stand,” He explained, Anakin looked a little more awake now at the prospect of getting to see another game.

He helped him shovel some parchment into his bag, “Why don’t you wake up sleeping beauty so you guys can go grab some breakfast before the game?” Anakin nodded and scampered up the steps towards the boys dormitories.

Cody smiled and shook his head before heading to the Great Hall to avoid Rex’s wrath, on the off chance that Anakin let slip whose idea it was. 

The halls were still relatively quiet- Ravenclaw house should be mostly awake by now, but they weren’t known for being as loud and rowdy on game day as Gryffindor. Slytherin would be up too, but it was even less likely to catch a Slytherin this high up in the castle on a weekend. The portraits were still just waking up. Some of the more energetic figures were chatting loud enough to annoy their neighbors. Cody wasn’t sure what the purpose in that was; if he was a portrait he wasn’t sure he’d want his neighbors to hate his guts. He must be missing something for he passed by a portrait of a princess glaring daggers at a knight who had taken to singing limericks.

The great hall was rather full and the Slytherin’s had taken to their assigned table, glaring at any who dared to sit with them as if that alone would expose their Quidditch secrets. Ravenclaw was a bit more spread out, sitting with their friends at the Hufflepuff and Gryffindor tables if they so desired. Obi-Wan and Satine were sitting at their usual spot at the very end of the Ravenclaw table and Cody didn’t bother considering anywhere else before sitting down across from them.

“Excited, Kenobi?” He asked as he started loading up his plate with pancakes. Obi-Wan, who had been staring off into space while sliding bacon around his plate, fixed him with his usual pre-Quidditch frown. Cody chuckled before pointing at him with a syrupy fork, “Come on, mate! It’s a great day for a game.”

“Yes quite. What I wouldn’t give to play in freezing temperatures year round,” He rolled his eyes, before cutting his bacon with a knife. Satine had been oddly quiet, not saying a word so far. She was facing as much away as she could from Obi-Wan without actually turning. It was surefire proof of them being in a fight. He supposed though they had been ready to pounce on one another for a few weeks now.

“Anakin slept in the common room last night,” It was the only non-Quidditch topic he could think up at the moment and it seemed to catch both his friends' attention.

“Is he ok?” Obi-Wan asked first, which was unsurprising. Concern was pinching his face and he turned towards the Gryffindor table to see if his mentee was around.

“He’s fine, I woke him up before he could get into any trouble,” Cody shrugged, “He said he’s been having trouble sleeping, did he tell you anything?” Obi-Wan shook his head with a frown.

“He mentioned having a bad dream once… But not that it was a consistent issue.” He said slowly, Satine’s eyes gleamed as she looked over to him.

“So you admit to not knowing everything about your little protégé?” She asked and he turned to glare at her in turn.

“I’d never said I knew everything,” He answered back with a heated glare.

“So you’re not all knowing then?” She dropped her fork and let it clatter onto her plate.

“Once again, I never said that,” He responded, stabbing a piece of bacon with his fork and shoving it in his mouth.

“I thought it was implied the way you’re desperate not to look at this from all sides,” She spat and he bristled.

“Did I miss something?” Cody asked, exasperated.

“It’s prefect business,” Satine answered with an apology in her eyes. He just shrugged and went back to eating his pancakes. He wasn’t sure he even needed to know with how often the topic changed. They went back and forth so much that it was like watching a Quidditch passing drill; his eyes flicking from one to the other waiting for someone to slip.

“Satine, I really don’t have time to go through all this right now,” Obi-Wan cut in eyeing the members of Ravenclaw’s Quidditch team gathering to leave.

“That’s fine,” She answered stiffly, “I’ll see you tonight so we can work on our Charms project,” Obi-Wan looked hurt, but he hid it well.

“I’ll be sure to let you know whether or not we win,” He stood from the table, tossing his napkin on his plate and was swept away by his teammates.

“You’re not going to the game?” Cody frowned. He hadn’t expected getting ditched, even though he supposed he could sit with his brothers. Satine deflated instantly, looking back towards where the Slytherin’s were heading out of the great hall.

“He’s absolutely infuriating sometimes, Cody,” She sighed, picking her fork back up

***

Obi-Wan pulled his broom out from the locker and although it was plenty shiny he grabbed his polishing cloth as well. Galen was going on about their strategy, but Obi-Wan’s mind was still back on Satine. He wished she’d see things from his perspective. Anakin had a notoriously bad habit of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, but that didn’t automatically make him guilty as Satine had thus far been implying. He was 11, a bit of a troublemaker on occasion, but he didn’t have it in him to do something so scandalous as running a cheating ring. It wasn’t bias, he told himself as he worked to get a hardly noticeable smudge off the broom handle. He knew Anakin had a pension for trouble, but Obi-Wan hadn’t seen or heard of him doing anything insidious, besides occasionally popping up out of nowhere and startling people.

In fact he was quite proud of Anakin- he stood by Rex when he was struggling, and he was getting better and better in his classes through practice and dedication. Though he did tend to get a little moony-eyed near that girl he was fond of, Padmé, it wasn’t like he’d have it in him to play schoolboy tricks to get her attention. Anakin was simply an easy target. Frame the first year who had had some unfortunate happenstance befall him not once, but twice.

“Earth to Kenobi!” Aayla sat down heavily next to him, grabbing his broom out of his hands and inspecting the handle, “I can see my reflection in this,” Her nose wrinkled and she twirled it around nearly wapping him in the head with it, “You do know we’re playing Quidditch not entering a broom beauty pageant,” Obi-Wan just folded up his polishing cloth into a neat square.

“Not all of us like coming off the field as a pincushion full of splinters,” He offered, delicately reclaiming his broom and standing to put away the cloth. He realized then that they were alone and he looked around.

“I thought being in the running for Head Boy would have you better at listening,” Aayla laughed, “We’re heading to the field,” She stood, kicking her broom up into her hand.

He hurried to shove on his helmet and he made sure his wand was securely pocketed in his Quidditch robes before he followed Aayla out towards the field.

He wished not for the first time that he could see such a sight from Cody’s eyes. The large field, currently covered in a layer of snow, was surrounded by stands that were filled to the brim with students willing to risk the cold to watch a good game. Cody could go on and on about how giddy he was walking to his position, but Obi-Wan had always only felt a sense of dread. Even now that he was a more seasoned player, he still felt his stomach flip as he passed under the tall (very, very tall), golden hoops. He took his position and waited.

There was a hushed silence- the kind that really only came in moments before a match. Students were still chattering in their seats, but they seemed far away. Galen was making a few gestures towards his other chasers, but no one on the team dared to say a word as if it would give Slytherin the ability to one up them at every turn. And then there was the whistle, piercing through the air and both teams kicked off the ground, rocketing into the air.

Obi-Wan was happy with his position as keeper, but on cold days like this, waiting for the bloodbath in the middle of the field to head towards him was a little more excruciating. Still, as most times they played against Slytherin, eventually they made a run for the goal post. This was fairly easy to deal with. One chaser headed straight for him and he saw the chaser’s eyes dart towards the right a second before she did. Obi-Wan pushed the handle of the broom and by all accounts it should have worked. He would catch the Quaffle in his free hand and lob it back towards centerfield. Only it didn’t work as intended, his broom had jerked quite aggressively the wrong direction before stilling once more.

He was no Cody when it came to knowledge of brooms, but he’d had this broom since his first year and it had never behaved in such a way. Something was surely amiss and he just hoped it was a one time fluke.

***

“Something’s up,” It was Cody who said what they were both thinking. Satine had her binoculars pressed firmly to her face as if it would let her see Ben even clearer, “I could have seen that shot from a mile away! Even the chaser looks confused,” Satine grabbed the back of Cody’s robes blindly and pulled him back from leaning over the edge.

“Ben has that look,” Satine told him, “He’s concerned,” Cody tried to steal her binoculars, but she batted his hand away with a sudden gasp.

Ben’s broom had jerked again and he was reaching for his wand, which made Satine grip the rail tightly.

“That’s a foul!” Cody yelled a half second before Satine saw a bludger fly over and knock right into Ben’s chest, causing him to drift back a little at the impact. “Where’s the whistle? Come on ref!” 

She pulled Cody away from the edge again. Ben looked shaken, but unharmed, however Satine saw with horror something small and thin falling towards the snow below.

“His wand, Cody,” Satine tightened her grip on Cody’s robe.

“What?” Cody asked, momentarily pausing his shouting. Satine took her eyes off the field just long enough to give Cody a semi-horrified look.

“Ventress knocked his wand out of his hand,” Satine pointed to where Ben seemed to be hovering uncertainly. The audience was drawn to the referee, calling for a penalty throw to Ravenclaw, but neither Cody or Satine really cared about an extra few points.

“If he was going for his wand, something’s definitely wrong,” Cody ripped the binoculars from her hands suddenly, “He knows the rules, you can’t use magic on your opponents. Your wand is only there for extreme emergencies,” Cody was looking around the field for something.

“I’ve never seen a broom behave like that,” She was squinting at the field, without something to magnify the spec of blue and silver, it was impossible to make out his expression.

“They don’t,” Cody said gravely and Satine’s heart jumped to her throat, “It’s foul play.”

***

It was shaping up to be a boring match, Slytherin had already scored and Anakin was feeling a little secondhand embarrassment for his mentor. Obi-Wan wasn’t much for Quidditch and unlike most of the people Anakin knew, he didn’t really talk about it unprompted, and even then he’d usually just remind Anakin to be careful. He didn’t remember Obi-Wan being quite so terrible at the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff match earlier in the year.

“He should have got that one,” Anakin complained to Rex as Slytherin managed to score again. The Ravenclaw captain seemed to be glaring back at the keeper, but Obi-Wan seemed not to notice.

“Something doesn’t feel right,” Rex commented, “Cody always teases him, but really, Obi-Wan is a fairly decent Keeper,” Anakin shrugged, but watched as thankfully Ravenclaw finally managed to score something other than a penalty.

“He’s jerking around up there like his broom’s possessed or something,” Anakin considered as Obi-Wan seemed to struggle in the air again. Rex leaned forward, frowning rather intensely.

“It does look like that doesn’t it?” He asked, but didn’t seem to be wanting an answer, “It kind of reminds me of that jinx Echo put on Fives after he stole the last of the holiday candy,” Rex considered.

“Who would want to jinx Obi-Wan though? He’s a prefect!” Anakin watched as a Slytherin approached Obi-Wan again, only for Obi-Wan’s broom to drop about a foot with no prompting that Anakin could see.

Those rooting for Slytherin cheered, but Anakin felt that cold sensation of fear. Surely the mysterious cloaked figure wouldn’t be going through Obi-Wan to get to him, right? That did seem like a stretch even in Anakin’s mind. Rex sat up straight and he looked around a little frantically.

“Where’s Krell?” And Anakin was on his feet in an instant. They spotted him, sitting alone in the front row of the Gryffindor section. He’d been given a wide berth- no one knew the whole story which Rex was grateful for, but a prefect doesn’t lose his title for only a small infraction. They saw his hand twitch and Obi-Wan jerked to the right.

“Oi!” Rex shouted and Anakin looked over to him in surprise, he flinched a little when Krell looked over at him with a disgustingly smug smile on his face. Rex swallowed, but continued, “Jinxing other people’s brooms is against the rules,” Krell just rolled his eyes.

“Oh how brave,” Krell scoffed, “Kenobi’s acting like a fool and you’re coming after me? It’s not my fault he’s a lousy player.”

“You’ve got your wand out,” Anakin stepped in front of Rex, “Obi-Wan’s a better player than you ever were, you were just jealous.”

“It’s not a crime to have my wand out. I don’t see any muggles,” Krell twitched his hand sending Obi-Wan to the right so Slytherin could score again, “What are you going to do about it?” Anakin took another step forward reaching for his wand, but a furious voice cut in.

“You’re going to put your hands up right now!” Satine had her wand out, as did Cody standing to her right, the fury burning in their eyes was enough to make even Anakin take a step back. Krell, however, didn’t move, just looked over at them with a sneer.

“And why would I do that Kryze,” He said her name like it was mud on the bottom of his shoes, “I’m pretty sure you’re all about innocent until proven guilty, or does that just apply to bloodthirsty beasts and not your fellow wizards?”

“You’re going to do it or I’m thinking we have a rematch from the Halloween party,” Anakin had never heard Cody sound this angry. This was much past his frustration at a missed goal or Anakin accidentally beaming a teammate in the head during Quidditch practice. Here, he sounded downright murderous. Anakin hadn’t attended the Halloween party or witnessed the fight, but by Rex’s expression, it may have started similarly.

“How do you expect Gryffindor’s Quidditch team to manage without their fearsome captain,” He goaded and Cody took a step forward only stopped by a hand to the chest by Satine.

“There’s no need for unnecessary violence. Put your hands up,” She jabbed her wand forward in warning.

“You wouldn’t hurt a fly,” Krell crooned cruely, getting to his feet, “Not even if I did this?” He twitched his wand down and Obi-Wan dropped about a foot. It was clear by his snarling grin that it was only a warning. Satine took it as such and stepped forward pressing her wand to his chest.

“No, but I could trap one, if you were to find yourself in the position of turning into one.”

Anakin wasn’t that great with transfiguration, but if Satine was even half as good as Obi-Wan, it was a credible threat. Krell even seemed to realize that perhaps he was more at her mercy than he wanted to be so he sighed, a grumbling ugly sound.

“Fine, you win,” Krell narrowed his eyes at her. Satine took a step back, not lowering her wand.

“I’m glad you see it my way, now-” She started, but he cut her off with a knowing smile.

“I know, I know. Hands up!” And he threw his hands up, but there was the unfortunate consequence of him raising his wand in a swift, purposeful motion.

“Expelliarmus,” Cody yelled, but it was too late. Krell purposely dropped his wand off the edge of the stand and Obi-Wan had rocketed up and disappeared into the clouds.

***

Obi-Wan could see the sun, which on a normal day would be quite nice, but as it was he had just broken through the clouds and his broom was jerking and twitching like an angry hippogriff. He tried desperately to control it and then everything seemed to freeze as he was suspended in the air like any normal broom ride, save for the fact that Obi-Wan was clinging to the broom as tight as possible. For a moment he thought he was safe, but his broom seemed to sputter and he dropped a foot in the air. His broom was trying, practically wheezing to stay in the air, but whatever had been done to it must have inadvertently tampered with the magic.

Just as such a realization set in, he dropped like a rock. No amount of pulling on the handle was doing any such good except making them spin in the air enough to make him feel quite ill as the field came back into view. He stuck out a hand, trying to mimic how Qui-Gon did wandless magic.

“Aresto Memento,” He put as much passion as he could into the word, but nothing happened, not even a flicker. His vision was suddenly filled with gold as he smashed into a Quidditch hoop, there was a crunch and a sharp sensation that had him dropping hold of the broom, he made a mad grab for the polished wood in a desperate attempt, but his hand slid right off the polished surface and he plummeted to the ground.

***

Satine was frozen, wand still at the ready, but eyes glued on the unmoving navy blue smudge interrupting white snow. She wasn’t sure she even had a heart to beat anymore, or lungs to take on air.

“That had to be at least a 200 foot fall,” Cody didn’t sound like he was breathing much either despite his ability to talk, “Maybe farther, but the clouds are pretty low. It might be a record.”

“Cody please,” She choked out. He was in shock, but so was she and listening to the odds of their best friend’s survival was not going to sit well with her.

“Now that is a shame,” Krell’s voice brought her back to the task at hand. Ice filled her veins and she turned, looking him in the eye. He was leaning on the railing, chin resting on his hand and he looked far, far too pleased with himself, “But mistakes happen, don’t they Kryze? Fett?”

“The only mistake here,” Satine spit through gritted teeth, “Is that a prefect, a Quidditch captain, and half of Gryffindor are witness to your crime,” She steadied her wand at him, “You’ll be exceedingly lucky if you aren’t expelled for this,” He just waved her off with a lazy hand.

“You think I care about this shoddy excuse for a school? Everyone here is weak,” Krell turned and took a step towards her, “I have my sights set on somewhere better-” He took another step, but that was more than enough for Cody.

“Locomotor Wibbly!” Cody jabbed his wand towards Krell whose legs shook suddenly and he collapsed with a curse. Satine didn’t even bother reprimanding him for such a schoolyard jinx.

“Incarcerous,” She swished her wand and silvery ropes burst from it and wrapped themselves around Krell’s wrists. It was an extremely advanced skill, past even her year, but she couldn’t even find pride in such work. She turned wordlessly to the field where Ben was being loaded onto a stretcher by Madame Nema and Qui-Gon. His teammates were huddled together on the ground looking absolutely shocked and even the Slytherins were looking subdued. Satine raised her wand once more.

Golden sparks shot out of the tip dancing in the air until they formed a large glittering prefect’s badge, it would catch the attention of a professor, or with any luck, the headmaster himself.

***

“If you’re not careful you’re going to break something and end up with a bed of your own!”

Her voice was the first thing he remembered hearing and his eyes struggled to open. It was bright and he tried to bring his arms up to block the light, but one of them was holding something and the other felt heavy and it seemed to throb with every beat of his heart. He felt himself groan slightly as his eyes fluttered, trying to get used to the light. A hand met his shoulder immediately, but he still tried to push past it to sit up.

He was in the hospital wing, he realized. The tall arched windows and the room lined with cots really could not be a single other place at Hogwarts. He became aware of how much his body ached at the same time he was pushed back down onto the bed.

“Stay down,” Satine was leaning over him, her hair falling around her face as she looked down at him with a deep level of concern.

“Satine?” He asked and she nodded.

“Yes, Ben I’m right here, Cody’s gone to get Madame Nema,” She explained and he tried to look past her, but couldn’t see much of anything except for her blonde hair.

“You came?” He was trying to remember what events had led him here, but he did remember they were in a fight. He was surprised to see her at all.

“Cody and I saw your fall, of course we came! It looked rather dreadful,” He could tell she may be putting things a little lightly, but at least the pieces were starting to click into place.

“I thought you weren’t going to the match,” He sat up once again and this time ignored her gentle push to lie back down.

“I-” But she didn’t have time to finish because Cody was running over, expression brightening when he saw Ben awake and gazing at him, with Madame Nema right behind him.

“Glad to see you coming around, mate!” Cody ruffled his hair which he automatically tried to fix, but he instead looked, surprised, at the wrap fastened around his wrist.

“Mr. Fett, could you please not harass my patient?” Madame Nema was not one to waste time. Obi-Wan found himself poked, prodded, and questioned before even realizing what was happening.

“Well you had quite a fall there, Mr. Kenobi,” She explained, “You’ll be feeling it for a few days I’d imagine,” She handed him a potion which he didn’t bother asking about before downing it and wincing at the taste, “You’re lucky. Besides a nasty break in your wrist there, you’ve come out of this with only scrapes and bruises,” Obi-Wan frowned and looked at his hand.

“Can’t you mend bones?” He’d thought so at least.

“I did, dear,” Madame Nema tsked, “I can assure you it would hurt a lot more if I hadn’t. Just because bones can be mended, Mr. Kenobi, doesn’t mean we won’t be taking precautions,” He must have looked fairly sullen at the thought because Madame Nema chuckled, “It’s only for a few days and you’ll be right as rain. In fact you should be thankful, I dread to think of what would have become of you had you not managed to slow your fall,” He stared at the wrappings in curiosity. Surely she was talking about his unfortunate run in with the hoop. If Satine’s muggle science books were to be believed, something like that would take some of the momentum. Still, he couldn’t help but wonder if the attempted spell had done him any good. A wizard stuck between a rock and a hard place may have the ability to do some amazing things.

“You did land like a champ,” Cody broke his thoughts, he was grinning, but Obi-Wan could easily see the worry hidden in his eyes, “A real Quidditch fall. Probably how you avoided getting any brain damage. In fact in the 22nd Quidditch World Cup-”

“Thank you, Cody,” He rested a hand on his friends shoulder, “As much as I’d love to hear about the greatest Quidditch injuries of all time, perhaps another time.”

“Your loss,” He shrugged.

“Madame Nema,” He caught her attention just as she’d made to leave, “Are we done here?” Satine looked like she wanted to interject, but Madame Nema beat her to it.

“Are you implying you’re well enough to leave?”

“You said it yourself, ma’am,” He shrugged, a small smile building on his face, “It’s mostly just scrapes and bruises,” They had a bit of a stare off.  Madame Nema was quite stubborn, but unfortunately nearly no one could hold a candle to his own stubbornness, except maybe his blonde haired best friend who was currently glaring a hole through him.

“I’ll allow you to go back to your dormitory, on the terms of you going right to bed,” Obi-Wan breathed a sigh of relief and nodded quickly in agreement, “And I’ll see you back here again tomorrow.”

“Yes ma’am,” He agreed and swung his legs over the side of his bed.

He made it out of the hospital wing before he stumbled and Cody was quick to catch him, swinging an arm around him like it was any other day. He tried not to use the extra support, but he found himself leaning into Cody as the ache in his limbs seemed to thrum with each step.

“I wish I knew what got into my broomstick,” Obi-Wan finally broke the silence with a sigh, “It’s never acted such a way before, I’m sure I looked like a great fool,” Cody and Satine both tensed up and they all came to a halt.

“You were a victim of foul play, Ben,” Satine told him softly and after hesitating, “Krell had your broom locked in a jinx,” He blinked and turned to Cody for confirmation. Cody’s lips were in a hard line.

“Really? Krell?” He didn’t think the other student had such a thing in him, though perhaps he was thinking of prefect Krell and not ex-prefect Krell. There wasn’t much left to hide if you were already disliked throughout the school.

“The headmaster’s dealing with him,” Satine nodded and continued stiffly, “We caught him in the act.”

“Well,” He wasn’t as mad as his friends looked, if Krell had been caught then justice had been served, “At least if it was just a jinx, I don’t have to buy a new broom,” Satine looked at Cody and Cody looked back at Satine before pulling the broken handle of Obi-Wan’s broom out of his pocket.

“About that...” And Obi-Wan groaned, Cody handed him the piece and he inspected it. Somehow it was still just as polished. Cody gave him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder, “It’s alright mate I’ll help you pick out a new one, I’ve got this month's catalogue and there are some great new models!” He nodded absentmindedly. He would have truthfully just told Cody to pick whatever seemed best anyways. He then remembered that he had not lost track of one of his possessions, but two.

“Please don’t tell me I have to replace my wand as well,” He breathed out trying to stay calm, but it was difficult. An heirloom like that would be impossible to replace.

“No, no!” Satine reached a hand into her pocket and he had never been happier to see the sleek black wand, “I’ve got it!”

They continued walking while Obi-Wan inspected his wand for any damage, but not even a scratch had befallen it.

“So the game,” Obi-Wan over at Cody, “Who won?”

“I don’t know,” Cody told him, “We left as soon as we handed over Krell. I told Anakin and Rex to stay, but I’m nearly sure it’s over by now.”

“I hope I didn’t mess this up for Ravenclaw,” He hummed.

“You didn’t mess anything up,” Satine’s voice was like ice, but for once it wasn’t directed at him, “Whether Ravenclaw won or lost doesn’t matter.”

“Well it matters to Gryffindor,” Cody said before catching Satine’s narrowed eyes, “I mean, either way we’re planning to stomp you in the final match.”

“Well I’d much rather Ben be alive,” Satine rolled her eyes.

They reached the final hallway before the Ravenclaw door and Cody took off with a wave and a promise to let Anakin and Rex know he’d survived. He was grateful for it as hopefully Cody would be the one being pestered and not him. He and Satine approached the door to their common room, fighting to answer the Ravenclaw riddle first. Satine was the winner by a few seconds and gave him her best smug look as the door swung open. Stairs were becoming his enemy, but he made his way up them and into the chaos reigning in their normally quiet common room. Ravenclaw, it seems, had won after all.

***

“Can you believe Krell’s not getting expelled?” Satine looked up with a raised eyebrow as Anakin Skywalker dropped down dramatically across from her.

“That bastard has to have some kind of blackmail,” Cody growled, stabbing his pancakes with a little more force than was strictly necessary.

“It’s alright,” Ben was looking between them with nothing short of exasperation, “He’s still being punished.”

“He was already getting punished,” Cody complained, “But at least now there’s absolutely no way he’s weaseling his way back onto my Quidditch team. A stunt like that should get him banned from every team in the country.”

“I wouldn’t have wanted him expelled on my account anyways,” Ben shook his head, returning his attention to the french toast, dripping with syrup, on his plate.

“He nearly killed you,” Satine reminded him, “That should definitely be grounds for expulsion.”

“They say it takes a lot for you to get expelled around here,” Anakin told them as he loaded up his own plate. The clock tower rang before anyone could ask him where he’d heard such a thing and the owls were swooping in right on time. Ben checked his own watch with a frown.

“Madame Nema will be expecting me soon,” He didn’t sound too happy about it.

“I can walk you there!” Anakin perked up.

“You’ve hardly eaten breakfast Anakin,” He tried before sighing, “Well alright, finish your breakfast and we’ll go,” Anakin nodded before picking up his plate and darting off towards where Rex was sitting at the Gryffindor table.

“Satine?” Ben sounded hesitant and it was too easy to pull her attention off the Gryffindors and onto him, “Do you really think it’s Anakin?”

“Ben,” She sighed, trying to lower her voice though she knew if Cody was listening he wouldn’t say anything, “I’m sorry for yesterday, but I can’t throw out a suspect simply on the basis of trust.” Ben seemed to consider her, really consider her before he turned back to his syrup drenched toast and changed the subject.

“What do you think the odds of learning to cast spells with my left hand by tomorrow is?”

***

Anakin jumped up when the hospital doors opened and Obi-Wan slunk out, looking both ways like someone may see him.

“What did the doctors tell you?” He asked, following Obi-Wan down the hall towards the library.

“I’m fine Anakin,” He smiled, but Anakin wasn’t stupid; he saw the slight limp and the wrapped wrist and frowned.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked softer and Obi-Wan stopped to look at him, “It was a really big fall,” Obi-Wan seemed to look through him, like he was trying to read his very thoughts and Anakin squirmed.

“I told you when you started that Quidditch is a very dangerous sport,” Obi-Wan told him, “I did get very lucky, but I promise I’m okay,” He then continued walking, but Anakin’s thoughts weren’t quite settled.

“What if the cloak guy tries to off me like Krell did to you?” He’d always felt safe in the air, but uncertainty seemed to be coming for him at every turn these days.

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan had paused again, turning towards him and putting his hands on his shoulders, “Pulling a stunt like Krell did is a one ticket way to be caught. He’d have to reveal himself to us and if he wanted to do that, we’d have seen him by now,” It didn’t sit quite well with Anakin even though he knew Obi-Wan was right, but he followed his mentor down the hall anyways and tried to push mysterious cloaked figures out of his mind. 

***

Obi-Wan was walking at a brisk pace through the emptying halls. He was in the dungeons making his way towards potions class when he nearly ran right into an opening door. He managed to skid to a halt grabbing the edge of the door before it tried to close and peering inside.

“Anakin,” Sure enough his mentee was standing frozen under the door frame.

“Oh hi, Obi-Wan!” He said his name cheerfully, but he did look a little wary for being caught.

“What are you doing in here?” He checked the door, “The potions storage room?” 

It was odd, he knew Anakin liked potions class even though he didn’t have much of a knack for it, but there was no reason for a first year to be snooping around the eye of newt when he should be out in the greenhouses for herbology.

“I was just checking to see...” He trailed off as he looked at the walls of ingredients, “There!” He pointed up at something and Obi-Wan followed his gaze to a jar labeled ‘bezoars’.

“And what is it that you find so intriguing about that?” Obi-Wan crossed his arms.

“Well that’s what they fixed me with right?” Anakin asked with a shrug, “I just thought I’d like to see one. Professor Palpatine wouldn’t mind,” and Anakin wasn’t wrong, Professor Palpatine encouraged the students to familiarize themselves with the various ingredients. Only the most dangerous things were kept under lock and key.

“Yes, bezoars are a cure for most poisons,” Obi-Wan nodded, never one to pass up a moment to teach, “However, this would be a more noble quest if you weren’t meant to be in Herbology right now. Come along, I can walk you there and then at least you won’t get points for being late,” Anakin seemed nervous, looking around before he pushed Obi-Wan gently towards potions.

“I can’t have you walk all the way over there! You’re practically an invalid,” He complained and Obi-Wan sputtered to a halt.

“Excuse me?” He tried to turn, but Anakin was pushing him forward.

“You’re brittle! You definitely should sit down,” He instructed, “I don’t want you to pass out on me or anything.”

“Anakin! I’m perfectly fine,” Obi-Wan whirled around and Anakin took a step back with a frown, “I can make it to my class with no trouble. You on the other hand need to be in class in...” He checked his watch, “about a minute.”

“And I’ll get there in time if you let me go!” Anakin whined.

“There’s no way-” Obi-Wan tried to interject, but Anakin just shook his head and started jogging back the way they’d come.

“I’ve gotta go! You should sit down before you fall over!” He called over his shoulder.

“Anakin!” He tried, but it was futile. Obi-Wan sighed before his attention was drawn to a piece of parchment fluttering to the ground. It had clearly fallen from Anakin’s person, but there was no use chasing the boy down. He had half a mind to worry if Satine’s suspicions were about to come to life, however after a close inspection it was blank, save for some water damage.

“Revelio,” He tried, tapping his wand to the parchment. Ink seeped up towards the surface spelling out his name and he nearly dropped it.

‘Obi-Wan Kenobi should keep his nose out of other people’s business.’

After a moment of stunned silence, he let out a short burst of relieved laughter. It was just a scrap of joke parchment. He tucked it into his bag, well he supposed he’d return it to Anakin next time he saw the boy.

***

“First you were nearly late to potions and now Qui-Gon’s class?” Obi-Wan took his seat next to Satine, who greeted him with rolled eyes and a smile, “And here I thought you wanted to be Head Boy. What kept you?”

“Found a couple of first years trying to sneak into the girls bathroom,” He sighed, dropping his bag on the floor between them, “I can’t say I find the appeal. They’d likely end up with nothing more than being the subject of a few stinging jinxes.”

“Given my assumption of the boys bathroom, maybe they were simply looking for a cleanlier option,” She suggested, jest sparkling in her eyes as she moved to pull out a rather long piece of parchment, “Qui-Gon’s already said we’ll just be working on our project today,” She pointed towards the instructions scrawled on the blackboard, “He says we could use a day to work in class, but secretly I think he’s gotten himself enamored with another prophecy book.”

Satine was likely right, as Qui-Gon was sitting in the front of the room with a book propped open on his knee and a teacup held opposite. If he was taking a break from reading every book in the library, Obi-Wan couldn’t say he blamed him much. Random facts about charms still danced behind his eyes when he was trying to fall asleep at night and no matter how interesting they were, he hadn’t the skills to make much use of them.

“Have you got any spare parchment?” Satine drew his attention by running the feather of her quill across his cheek. He rubbed away the feeling with the sleeve of his robe, giving her a half hearted glare for her trouble.

“I’m sure I do,” He yanked his bag up by the strap, “Be my guest,” He figured he should order her some new parchment. She’d been taking notes for the both of them since Madame Nema still hadn’t given him permission to remove the wrappings on his arm. Satine had been refusing his thanks, but he still wanted to think of a way to acknowledge his appreciation.

“What’s this?” He blinked and looked at the folded parchment in her hands, “I know it’s not yours. You never fold your parchment.”

“Anakin dropped it,” He shrugged and watched as she inspected it, “It’s just a bit of a joke parchment I think.”

“You think?” She asked before setting it on her desk and pulling out her wand.

“I already tried ‘Revelio’ and all I got was an insult,” He warned her and she paused, thinking through her repertoire of spells.

“Revelio Maxima,” She tapped her wand once and just like when he had tried it words bloomed forth from within.

‘Perhaps, Satine Kryze, you should try harder next time.’

“See I tried to warn you,” He shrugged, Satine looked more thoughtful than offended and tapped her wand to her lips.

“This isn’t necessarily an insult,” She considered, picking it up and watching the ink fade away, “It was an instruction, maybe we should try something a little more creative?”

“You get instructions and I get insulted,” He sighed, but couldn’t help the curious smile growing on his face. He liked a challenge, but really what sort of Ravenclaw didn’t like a good riddle? He pulled the parchment in between their desks and got out his own wand, “Alohomora,” He tried.

‘Really, Kenobi?’

“It doesn’t like you much does it?” Satine giggled and tapped her wand against the parchment again.

They tried a wide variety of spells, running through any sorts of useful charms they could think of, before Satine guessed a phrase.

“Open Sesame!”

“I’m sorry what?” Obi-Wan looked over at her feeling perplexed.

“It’s a muggle phrase,” Her cheeks turned a bit pink at the scrutiny, “It’s a little childish, but Anakin was raised as a muggle.”

Their attempts continued, at some point they’d gotten onto much more complex, silly phrases and Obi-Wan was just about to try one that seemed to be on the right track when Satine had him pause, her hand landing on his slightly more damaged one.

“Wait, we shouldn’t be doing this in class,” She pointed out with a whisper, “What sorts of prefects are we?” Obi-Wan glanced around and normally he would agree, but Qui-Gon had still not once looked up from his book and the rest of the class was chatting quietly in pairs. It was hard for him to feel out of place in Qui-Gon’s classroom.

“Come on, one more guess?” He asked, batting his eyelashes at her. She shoved him gently, but sighed.

“Well then, show me up, Mr. Prefect,” She slid the parchment closer to him and he flourished his wand a little dramatically.

“I solemnly swear that I’m up to no good,” He tapped the parchment. Immediately, the ink started seeping up, but this time it was not forming only a short sentence. It was forming a scroll with his name written in elegant font, and the one right beside it was Satine’s. In fact it looked quite a lot like Qui-Gon’s classroom.

Obi-Wan ripped the parchment off their desks and into his lap, hoping to keep it out of sight of his professor or their classmates before he could figure out what he was even holding.

“Let me see!” Satine pulled it towards her slightly and unfolded another part of it.

With every piece unfolded the picture became clearer that it was a map. A map showing every single magical person in Hogwarts and their exact location.

“Look there!” Satine pointed and he looked to see a broom closet. The drawn wall moved under her finger to reveal a path that led to the Gryffindor boys’ dormitory.

“That’s...” But he didn’t even know how to finish such a thought. This was the missing piece they’d been searching for and hadn’t even known it. A map that showed every corridor, person, and apparently, every secret tunnel in the entire school.

And it had been in the possession of Anakin Skywalker.

“Ben,” Satine said his name slowly, looking at him with a cautious expression, “We have to-”

“-I know,” He interrupted her. This was not a coincidental test key or a robe on the ground, this was practically an arrow pointing towards Anakin, exclaiming loudly that he was the culprit, “We need to go straight to the headmaster,” He swallowed. Satine stood up and raised a hand and he followed her folding up the parchment in his hands.

“Yes Satine?” Qui-Gon looked up from his book with a frown, “Is everything alright?”

“We need to go to the Headmaster’s immediately,” she announced, “prefect business.”

***

Anakin was in a foul mood. First he’d nearly been late Herbology, barely making it away from his mentor in time to use the tunnels. And then he’d discovered that for the second time this year, he’d misplaced the map. 

“Where have you been?” Rex asked, looking away from reading through Cody’s corrections on his history essay, “I thought we were going to go over tonight's plan?”

“Well here’s the plan. There isn’t one,” He grumbled, “I must have dropped the map somewhere, but I’ve looked everywhere!”

“You lost it?” Rex gasped, dropping his essay on the table, “What if someone bad finds it?”

“I don’t know!” Anakin hissed, trying to keep his voice down. There were other people in the Gryffindor common room, and although most liked to leave first years well enough alone, he didn’t want any eavesdroppers, “But I’ve gotta find it before Windu-”

The portrait hole opened and Anakin nearly jumped out of his skin as Professor Windu bent and twisted his way into the common room. All eyes went to him immediately, but he said nothing, just scanned the crowd before his eyes landed on Anakin.

“Skywalker, come with me.”

As he followed Professor Windu out of the portrait hole, all he could think about was every regret he’d ever had. Thankfully there weren’t many, but he did wish he’d written his mum more, or gotten to kiss Padmé. He contemplated what his last words would be before he ran into worn robes that had stopped in their tracks.

He looked up at Professor Windu, waiting for him to pull out that sword from his dream, but his professor did nothing except turn to a large winged statue.

“Root leaf stew,” Was all he said, but stairs suddenly started growing out of the ground, spinning around and around until they stopped forming an elegant spiral staircase.

“Um, what-?” He’d been through nearly every passageway in the school, but this was not one he knew. He hoped he wasn’t being led to another hidden beast, but Windu simply crossed his arms.

“The headmaster wants to see you.”

Anakin climbed up the stairs and was relieved when Windu didn’t follow. Still, if this really was the headmasters office, this couldn’t be good.

Yoda’s office looked much like Qui-Gon had described it to him, with portraits of all the past headmasters staring down at him. Under less intimidating circumstances, he wouldn’t mind a fair look around as there were shelves of books and strange objects- maybe even some contraband stored somewhere. Headmaster Yoda, however, caught his eye almost immediately and waved him over and into a chair across from his desk.

“Know why you are here, do you?” Yoda’s voice echoed just slightly in the otherwise quiet room and Anakin shifted in his seat uncomfortably.

“Win- I mean, Professor Windu said you wanted to see me,” He said nervously. Normally in these sorts of situations, he’d explain why he didn’t do it, but unfortunately he really didn’t know what ‘it’ was this time. Yoda nodded at his words, closing his eyes for a moment before continuing.

“Heard of the cheating scandal, have you?” Yoda asked, laying his little hands on the desk before them, “Rewritten, the O.W.L.s had to be,” Anakin’s brows furrowed as he tried to figure out where this was going.

“Yeah, I mean I know the prefects are looking for who it is,” And like being hit with a ton of bricks, or perhaps a bludger, it dawned on him what was being insinuated, “Hold on! You don’t think I’ve done it?” Yoda looked at him, expression rather grave.

“Found, evidence has been. That the culprit, you are,” Anakin stood up swiftly.

“What evidence? I didn’t do it!” Yoda just blinked at him, waiting until Anakin begrudgingly collapsed back into the plush chair.

“Show you, I will,” He finally said, opening a drawer in his desk and pulling out a long black cloak, “Found, this was, in a hidden passage by your bed.”

“But that-” He interrupted, but was given a thoroughly chastising look.

“Your name, it has,” He tapped the tag of the robe, but pulled out the O.W.L.s key he’d found before he could interrupt, “Gave this to Satine and Obi-Wan, you did. Dodged their questions, also.”

“Headmaster-”

“Hush,” Yoda held up a hand, “Alone, these things are not,” Lastly he pulled out a square of parchment. Anakin felt sick at the sight, his map, water damaged and all, was placed between them, “Fell from your robes, this did,” Anakin’s mind raced. He knew he was innocent, but this was not a good look, “Open it, why don’t you?” Yoda suggested, sliding it towards him, “Otherwise, check your wand, we will.”

“Headmaster, Professor,” Anakin felt small as he pleaded, “I didn’t do it, if I was going to steal cheat sheets then why wouldn’t I use them myself!”

“Scored 100 on Professor Windu’s holiday assignment, did you not?” Yoda questioned, “Impossible, that is, without the key.”

“What? No!” Anakin roared standing up again, “I did that fair and square! My mum could tell you too!”

“Even so, too much,” Yoda tapped the map with his own wand and the map swam to life, “This is.”

“So what? You’re going to expel me?” Anakin kicked the desk furiously, “For something I didn’t even do?”

“Expel you, I will not,” Yoda fixed him with a careful expression, “But given detention and suspended from the Quidditch team, you will be.”

[haberdashing]

Labyrinth

Statement of Avery Horner regarding her experiences with an unusual patch of forest in a local park.

on AO3

Statement of Avery Horner regarding her experiences with an unusual patch of forest within a local park. Original statement given February 6th, 2020. Recording by Artemis Lee, archival assistant for the Usher Foundation.

Statement begins.

Okay, before I get into what happened to me specifically, I should probably give you guys some background. I mean, you’ll probably dig up a lot of the same information eventually--I assume, anyway, I don’t really know a ton about how all this works--but I might as well save you the trouble, right?

So, this is about a park right by my house called Old Pines Park. You’ve got my address from the intake forms, shouldn’t be hard to find from there, it’s literally right down the street from me.

The first weird thing about the place is that there are no pine trees in Old Pines Park. As far as I know, there never have been. There aren’t too many pine trees in the surrounding area, either; just not the right climate for them, I think? Could be named after someone named Pines, I suppose, but the time I tried looking into it I didn’t find much, certainly not detailed information about some famous person from my boring suburban hometown with that surname. That’s just... what the park’s called, for whatever reason.

Also, despite the park being, like I said, right down the block from where I live, I don’t have much in the way of childhood memories associated with the place. There’s a fair few parks in the area, though, so maybe it’s just that all the other parks had bigger playgrounds or nicer scenery or more sports equipment or whatever. It’s not the biggest park around, and I wouldn’t be surprised if some people didn’t even know it was tucked away back there, just an old playground and a grassy field with a small, dirty pond in it.

And the woods.

That’s the main thing I want to talk about--the woods there. Calling it “the woods” is probably- no, definitely overstating things, but I’m not sure what else to call it. It’s on the edge of the field, just a somewhat-thin strip of land where the trees are much denser than elsewhere, to where you can’t see through to the other side.

When I was growing up, my mom always told me not to go in the woods there. She claimed they’d found a woman’s body there once, though I never really believed her. I looked it up not too long ago, though, and sure enough, there’s a news article from when I was a kid about a body being found in Old Pines Park. Didn’t say it was in the woods, but I believe it. Didn’t say what had happened to the body, either, or whose body it was. Just a brief blurb, “jogger finds body,” end of story, apparently.

Come to think of it, I’ve never seen anyone jogging in Old Pines Park, especially not in the woods--the landscape’s not exactly the most conducive to exercise--but the news article definitely said it was a jogger who’d found the body. Why’s it always seem to be joggers who find dead bodies like that?

Anyway.

I actually listened to my mom about not going in the woods for longer than you’d probably expect. I never had much of a rebellious teenager phase, and what little rebellion I did attempt didn’t involve the park just down the road. I think I went in the woods once with a friend when I was a kid, but I barely remember any of it, and I don’t think we went far. It wasn’t until after I’d gotten back from college that I decided to see what the woods had in store. (Yes, I live in the same house after college graduation that I did throughout my whole childhood. Not proud of it, but it is what it is, I guess.) I didn’t tell my mom what I was doing, didn’t tell anyone, just went out exploring by myself.

There’s a clear entrance to the woods on the end of the park closest to my house, an opening where the trees part and you can walk through without any difficulty. The ground dips down a bit where the rest of the park ends and the woods begin, and depending how much it’s rained sometimes there’s a bit of water there, but it’s not hard to get past.

I didn’t get very far the first time, though. Just a few feet from this entrance and the sometimes-stream beside it, there’s a chain link fence that blocks off part of the way--and more importantly, there’s a hole in that chain link fence that’s plenty big for a person to get through. On the other side of these strange, mysterious woods is... a strip mall. There’s a few fast food restaurants, a furniture store, a bunch of storefronts for sale. Nothing that exciting, really, except...

Okay, don’t laugh, but I’m really into Pokemon Go, even now. And that strip mall has a Pokestop in it--one of the places you go to get more items in the game. Dunno why, since there’s nothing that neat there, but it does. So for months I’d occasionally go through the woods just far enough to get through that hole in the fence, spin the Pokestop in the strip mall, and head back. I’m not exactly the most adventurous person out there, so even that was a bit of a thrill to me, especially knowing that it’d been forbidden back in my childhood.

At some point I noticed that the hole in the fence that let me cut through to the strip mall had changed--before it was just like a bit of fence had been torn out entirely, but now a metal bar around shoulder height was still in place, so I had to duck down when making my way through. Still plenty of space to get through, though, so it didn’t really bother me; it was just a bit odd, especially since I hadn’t seen any in-between stages where the fence got built up before being torn down again.

One day I was out walking my dog, Biscuit, and after I popped through the fence and back I decided to go further into the woods, see what I could find.

First off, I didn’t notice it so much when I was just ducking in and out, but while the area’s objectively pretty small, when you’re in the woods of Old Pines Park, it really feels like... well, like you’re in the middle of the woods. The foliage is dense, and there’s not too much to remind you of civilization besides that fence on the side and the occasional garbage wrapper.

Biscuit and I followed the fence along for a bit--I figured it’d be easy enough to find our way back with that as a landmark--and we found a decent-sized stream that must lead into the park’s pond, but where it comes from I’ve got no idea, since everything’s built up around here and there’s not much in the way of rivers. I vaguely remembered seeing the stream before, maybe that one time I went with a friend, but it was still an interesting sight. It didn’t look like some pristine bit of nature, though--the water was discolored, and the wrappers and similar debris I’d noticed before seemed to be clustered around the stream.

We kept going, and before too long I found a second hole in the chain link fence. This I definitely didn’t remember from my one foray into the woods in childhood. Looking through it, I saw a white building that looked pretty big, and kind of industrial? It was pretty nondescript, and I’ve forgotten most of the details of it by now, I just know it was big and white and I had no clue what it was or what could be inside, even though basic geography suggests it must only be a few blocks from my house at most. I thought about going through, but it looked like the sort of building where you could get in trouble for being on the premises without permission, and I wasn’t looking to get arrested for trespassing, so I just kept going.

I think this was about the time I checked my phone--I still had Pokemon Go open, I usually do whenever I leave the house, I’ve joked with my mom before about how convenient it is that I always have a GPS in my hand--and noticed that it wasn’t getting a signal. Specifically, the game still showed, but there were no features on the map, no Pokemon, nothing to indicate where I was. It didn’t say that it was having trouble with the GPS, though, it just... didn’t load the map at all.

The woods got thicker and denser as I moved on, and eventually there wasn’t much of a path left to follow alongside the fence as there had been. The only thing close to a path, inasmuch as I wouldn’t be attacked by tree branches if I followed it, led away from the fence and deeper into the woods. I figured what the hell, and I followed the sort-of-path further in, even though it took me away from the fence, from the one major landmark this place had.

I went kind of slow at first, but Biscuit kept pulling me along. She was loving it. Maybe she’d just gotten sick of taking the same path every walk and was glad for the chance to explore, smell new things, wander a bit. A few times I had to pull her back and remind her that while she could get through that tiny gap in the trees, I couldn’t, so we’d have to find another way around. (Biscuit’s a pretty small dog, so she’s good at fitting through narrow spaces like that.)

As I kept walking, the path, such as it was, got less and less clear, and I stopped seeing any garbage laying around, any signs that this place had been touched by human hands before. I had to do a fair bit of ducking and weaving to keep going without getting scratched up too badly, but Biscuit was so excited about the whole thing that I felt it was worth it.

Then the path went from hard to find to just straight up not there, and I went to turn around, and... I couldn’t see the fence behind me. I could swear we hadn’t gone that far--I didn’t think the woods were even spread out enough that we could go that far--but apparently we’d managed to leave the fence behind.

I did my best to backtrack, but it was slow going, especially since the “path” had never been an actual path with clear markings, just the way that was most devoid of trees that would slap me in the face. Also probably doesn’t help that I have a horrible sense of direction--that’s one reason I like having a GPS in my hand at all times, but the map on it still wasn’t working. Biscuit didn’t seem to get what I was trying to do but then, hey, that’s dogs for you, am I right?

I felt like I kept going in circles, like I wasn’t getting anywhere, and I still couldn’t see the fence, and I was succeeding less and less in my “don’t get scratched by stray tree branches” goal, and I had no idea where the entrance I’d gone through was from here, or the garbage-laden stream, or any other landmark I could use for guidance...

What I ended up doing was just letting Biscuit lead the way. I figure dogs have a good sense of smell, maybe their sense of direction is good too. She always seems to know which way to turn on our usual walks, too, so maybe this would be the same? At the very least, it couldn’t hurt... well, it could, but so could continuing to wander around aimlessly on my own devices. It sounds ridiculous, I imagine, but... I trust this dog, and I know she trusts me too, and I figured if I couldn’t get us back home, maybe she could.

And it worked. Not too long after I just did my best to give in to Biscuit’s pulling and let her be the guide, she led me in one direction, and sure enough, the fence reappeared, and I could see one of the holes in it in the distance.

You’d better believe we stayed right up against that fence for the rest of our trip in the woods, up until we stumbled back out of the entrance.

My phone buzzed right as we left the woods, and the map was back, everything displaying just fine. But as I looked at my phone more closely, I noticed the time on it was only three minutes after I’d decided to go further into the woods than I normally did. I don’t know how long I spent in there, but I am damn sure it was longer than three minutes.

Since then, I’ve gone back to only popping through to reach the strip mall, and even that I’m not doing as much as I used to... and last time I went to do that, the hole in the fence was different, with some metal wiring still in place near the foot of the hole as well as that metal bar. More importantly, though, there was a No Trespassing sign up. I don’t know how many other people know about the hole in the fence there, how many other locals have figured out that little trick, but I couldn’t help but think that sign was put there specifically for me. Still don’t feel like getting arrested for trespassing, so I just turned around and left, Pokestop be damned.

The sign only forbids crossing the fence into the strip mall, though. It doesn’t forbid walking deeper into the woods again.

And part of me wants to go back, to go even further into the woods. I want to see if I can find my way out the other end all by myself. There must be a way, right? I mean, that stretch of land only goes on for so long, it’s not that big of a park. I’ve been resisting the urge for a while now, but I keep thinking about it. I feel like it’s not a matter of if I’ll go back in the woods, it’s when. 

I wouldn’t bring Biscuit along, though. Partly because I want to see how much I could do without her help and without her pulling me through gaps I can’t pass through, but partly because... if anything happens to me when I’m in there, if I end up like that woman whose body got found in there all those years ago, I want to make sure Biscuit doesn’t get in trouble with me.

It’s one thing to take risks like that for yourself, but I wouldn’t do that to someone I love. That’s going a step too far for me.

Statement ends.

[doomedandstoned]

A Talk With BREATH, Portland’s New Meditative Doom Metal Duo

~By Billy Goate~

Illustrations by Tyler Wintermute

We're used to doom metal being, well, rather dark and sinister, but can it be meditative too? OM, the famous Al Cisneros side project, proved that yes, it can. Other acts, such as the celebrated UK band Bong, the New Brunswick trio Zaum followed (with Italy's Ufomammut, Finland's Dark Buddha Rising, and Ukraine's Bomg being just a step away with their generous, if often louder, landscapes).

Then I encountered doom metal yoga in Portland, and all bets were off.

Last month, Doomed & Stoned introduced you to another band you can add to your short list, whether listening in your Savasana stance ("corpse pose"), getting your groove on at work, or doing a little wake 'n bake to start the day.

This is BREATH from the City of Roses and on February 5th, all mysteries will be revealed as the meditative doom duo brings us their debut LP, 'Primeval Transmissions' (2021) on Desert Records.

Their music "is informed by adventures leaving the comforts of what was known behind. Going into unknown woods sometimes figuratively and some literal. With heavy melodically driven grooves their Meditation Doom will take you to secluded caves, and totemic vision quests'' (band bio).

Over the weekend, I traded words with Steven O'Kelly (bass guitar, vox) and Ian Caton (drums, percussion) recently to get to know this new name in the Pacific Northwest heavy underground. Doomed & Stoned also takes this opportunity to share a new visualizer with you for Breath's latest single, "Observer."

Breath - Observer

What themes and concepts does Breath explore musically and lyrically?

Peering into rituals meant to transcend the physical world. Initiations into the varied mystery schools like Orphism or Druidry I find very powerful. The Shamanistic role being so selfless putting themselves through extreme trials, shedding their previous self to protect their people by communication with spirit.

These things have lots of weight with sacrifice, and knowledge seeking from traditions nearly lost to time. Our sound aims to reflect that weight through the way we use the bass guitar and drums. I think a theme of meditation informs a lot of the riffs with spaciousness and transformation.

Who are your musical influences?

Foundationally, Black Sabbath is a center pillar. My first record being a Sabbath compilation by Earmark. I appreciate the balance they find between settled songs like "Orchid" leading into its counterpart "Lord of this World."  Grails’ Burning Off Impurities is such a vehicle that I would get lost in through the whole record. Melting boundaries of East and West with Zak Riles’ classical guitar and the crushing drum work by Emil Amos.

That brings me to Om, which is an important band to me that struck a chord all the way through from the music to aesthetic. Every show I’ve been to is like I’ve snuck into a temple ceremony, and leave feeling light on my feet and blissfully ringing eardrums. "On the Mountain at Dawn" is the heaviest song to me, with this immediacy and undeniable flow like the strong current of a river.

Photographs by Marissa Caldarelli

What sort of gear do you guys perform and record with?

Ian: DW Performance series Drum kit with Maple shells. Remo heads and Aquarian Kick Drum head. Zildjian K cymbals.

Steven: 4003 Rickenbacker bass guitar. Electric Amp Innovations Power Unit 180. Ampeg 8x10 speaker cabinet. Geezer Butler Cry Baby bass wah. MXR bass compressor. Ernie Ball VP Jr. Electro Harmonix Freeze. Deluxe Bass Big Muff. Also, Shure SM 58 and VE-20 Boss Vocal Performer.

You've mentioned gaining inspiration from solitary walks in the woods. What does the Oregon outdoors mean to you and how does it stir your creative processes?

When I first tried meditation, I was given this palm sized booklet by Buddhadasa Bhikkhu on breathwork as the entrance to a practice. Feeling and visualizing blue water filling and then leaving the well of your lungs. The band like our actual breath is a lifeblood for me. Making music and lyrics I can easily and gladly lose myself in. That practice I believe is responsible for shaping our sound.

Sometimes I feel a sort of unspoken conversation with the trees that surround, lots of times getting most lyrical ideas during these hikes. Boundaries are fluid in this space, and by its very nature puts my mind out of whatever box it might’ve been in before. Wilderness here has lots of personalities through wind, rain, and sun. For me, watching trees come alive moving in the wind or the quiet calm after a rain breeds deep reflection. Nature is a mirror.

What's the biggest epiphany or the strangest thing that you've experienced while being surrounded by Mother Nature?

On a summer day at Mt. Tabor in East Portland sitting in a secluded grassy opening circled by trees, I had the most psychedelic out of body experience without the aid of eating anything. High through trance, I came to the plants and tree’s awareness of me and I them. Like they knew my name.

Many of your tracks tell a story. Are these original tales or based upon the band's own mythos?

Whether I identify with an archetype or am retelling an experience I had, All the lyrics have roots in my real life even if themes might be far flung from our time.

Primeval Transmissions by Breath

Give us a walk through your new record, track by track, if you will.

Track 1   Starting with "Evocation," it’s a mixture of Shamanistic ritual and the effects meditation can have in clearing hurdles of adversity. I had been reading a book on Druid Lore and their equivalents around the world. Then I discovered Werner Herzog’s Cave of Forgotten Dreams and was completely spellbound. Seeing cave paintings perfectly intact, it’s entrance hidden by a rock slide before Roman times in France. This painted a visual counterpart to my reading and was consumed with the world it represented. Hallucinogenic trance, their soul migrating to the spirit world through the rising smoke of the fire lighting cave art meant to dance with flickering flame. Taking on an animal guide and returning anew.

Track 2   "Dwarka" at its roots is a story about confrontation with otherworldly phenomena. There’s two personalities to it. At first the ominous impending arrival and, the character coming to grips with what he’s witnessed. The nature of the main riff reflects the enormity of space, and what might be out there. I feel like the energy of the song mirrors how the witness felt, getting heavier as the night becomes more harrowing.

Track 3   "Observer" bridges my love of Eastern music like Ravi Shankar and Baris Manco with metal accents. It’s the journey your mind can take through meditation, simply focusing on your breath and how it can lead to intensity. Mainly one riff building and transforming over the course of Observer. The lyrics are a recording of Sri Swami Satchidananda leading Hatha Yoga, an important teacher for me.

Track 4   "Battle for Harmonic Balance" is centered around the ancient mystery schools of the left and right Eye of Horus. Invoking themes of renewal like the Akhet, a Sun rising between two mountains. Heaviness from the beginning reflecting the weight of importance Egypt holds to me, being a cornerstone of our past. The riff deconstructs towards the end, aligning the song like the Sphinx during the Equinox. Facing East to summon the Sun once more. "Halls of Amenti" is the realm of the Gods, where the Sun goes at night. An ethereal ceremony exchanging distortion and drums for the hypnotic beat of a Shaker and deep Bass guitar.

Track 5   The reprise to "Evocation" is a continuation of the Shaman’s trek across the razor’s edge. With this offering without lyrics we convey the obstacles, lulls, and successful return starting with the similar ritual beginning as its first chapter. This is followed by a call and response conversation between drums and bass guitar. Floating in the ether until finding his way alongside the totemic animal guide culminating at the end, returning to body like the tide returns out to Sea.

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