#literally none of this matters but it's my blog and im trying not to think of the internship bc im scared i can't do any of it yk

[indigodawns]

does anyone else have that thing where if you're feeling an emotion (esp fandom-related) and you verbalise it the feeling just kind of disappears? what's that about??

[decolonize-the-left]

(to preface this, i am white. figured i should make that known off the bat) i wanted to come bounce an idea off of you that i've been rolling around in my head for a bit. i have this pet theory that, for the population ill call here "white progressive queers who know very little about poc and racism", a large underpinning of this group's interaction with poc is a Fear of Fucking Up and more generally, moral purity thought. they (maybe even "we"- im still hopefully learning myself) get so paralyzed by this idea and line of thinking that goes something like this: "1) since i know nothing about poc & racism, then 2) clearly in discussions about these topics, i will fuck up and say something wrong or perhaps even Bigoted, which if i did 3) makes me an Irreparable Ontologically Evil Racist, hence 4) i should just be quiet and never ask questions/speak on these topics" which then results in said White Progressive Queer and those around them never learning. i wanted to know what you think abt this and tell me if im on the mark or not

also thank u for the work u do on this blog, ive found so many helpful resources through you

You're right. In my experience that's exactly how it is.

I want to add tho: yes they're uncomfortable that they might fuck up and be considered racists sure, but a huge part of that stems from the massive inability to place the discomfort where it belongs. Which is with their own guilt.

Instead they blame the conversations for making them uncomfortable.

And let's take some worthy notes here: this is not how white people feel all the time. Because white people are not uncomfortable making these fuck ups in front of other white people.

So it's not that the conversation is uncomfortable. They are made uncomfortable. And they are made uncomfortable because even when discussing anti-racism they step into the role of oppressor (the little fuck ups or accidentally bigoted comments) so naturally and God forbid other (not white) people can See how easy it is.

My advice for white people that are like this (that nobody asked for) is

Your fuckups do not define you but how you react to them does

Listen, respect, learn

That's it. That's the whole list. Say something bad? Apologize, but don't over-explain yourself. Ask how to fix it. Google how you fucked up so you understand why it wasn't okay. Google again to get idea of how your fuck up hurts people. Google some more to make sure you don't do it again. Go to some safe space and ask some clarifying questions. Listen, respect, learn.

Maybe the people you fucked up with don't forgive you and that's okay, they don't have to. But YOU won't ever make anyone feel bad or less than in the same way ever again and that's what matters.

Having one less person making racist comments matters even if it's a struggle for that person to get to that point.

I need y'all to understand that none of you are gonna just wake up being suddenly perfect anti-racist allies. And we will literally never ever have allies like that if y'all refuse to even sit with your own discomfort.

•°•°•

This weird morality issue white people have over looking racist is also just such a non-problem. Like if y'all want a PoC perspective: white people are already being racist ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯ ....we Already see y'all as racists. And also I'm gonna experience racism anyway so I'd rather it be because someone was just being ignorant on the path to anti-racism.

Y'all are so worried about how shit Looks that you can't be bothered how really things are? Like you're so afraid of looking racist you'd allow yourselves to continue being actually ignorant and casually racist. And to avoid what? Being uncomfortable for a minute? Being called-out? A mean comment?

We are trying to stop hate crimes and genocide. Like that's what we are dealing with okay. Accountability for your actions is an acquired taste but I think y'all can handle some discomfort considering.

[genderqueerdykes]

I’m a trans girl who is older, fat, balding, and kept her deadname, and your posts really make me feel a lot better about myself. I’m so happy to see that there is hope for the world yet. You are so inspirational and your blog always makes me smile.

im soooo glad to hear that, you have no idea ; _ ;

you deserve a chance to be yourself, no matter what. it doesn't matter how you body is shaped, or what you sound like, you are you, and you are the person who defines that. women come in many different shapes and forms- hell, my sister is an AFAB woman and she started balding in her twenties due to high testosterone! bald and balding women are out there and it's time we accept it and realize it's just another form of natural human beauty.

i think that's extremely cool that you kept your deadname, i love when trans ppl keep their deadnames. that's so badass!

i am inspired by all trans people, but i feel the earth shake when i meet the trans women in my local community. i have met many stunning older trans women who are unabashedly themselves, going by their deadnames, big square jaws, no facial reconstruction or hair removal, no breasts, not trying to raise their voices and hell, even "still wearing guy clothes".

none of those things matter once you take the time to meet any trans woman- societal expectations fade away and you feel, see, hear and quite literally experience the woman before you. i want people to understand that when you take the time to actually, truly, spend time with a trans woman, you really do see nothing but a woman standing before you it's powerful, it's moving, and all it takes is spending just an afternoon with people living outside of society's shit ;) i felt like womanhood was redefined for me in the most liberating way possible after being invited into a big circle of transfem friends and i haven't looked back since. those girls taught me and continue to teach me what womanhood really looks like.

sorry for rambling, but i just wanted to let you know that you really are a valued part of the community even if things are intimidating, and that you deserve to be happy in your skin no matter what. a woman is defined by their soul and their mind, and i'm glad you are being who you are. keep your chin up, you are a blessing just by virtue of being yourself. take care, stay safe, and thank you for such kind words, we really appreciate them < 3

[cubeberries]

Why do you even ship tomarry? Like it honestly seems from most of your posts that you don’t have a very favorable view of Harry or Tom’s feelings/treatment of him, so what do you even like about it? Genuinely confused why you aren’t maining bellamort when nearly every post I’ve seen from you has put Harry down in some way and found a way to bring Bella or one of the other Blacks up.

ok, this is a very good question and i understand where you are coming from. i really do. this is what it seems like if you take a quick glance of my blog and you're right, i have thought about this myself too.

but the truth of the matter is, i like bellamort, but i dont love that ship, whereas i love tomarrymort if it is done right.

tomarrymort is a very difficult ship to bring together in a Realistic way, Because of all the problems i have pointed out. bellatrix happens to be one of my favourite characters and i hate the way she is treated as an unfavorable side character who has to compete with harry for voldemort's affections but loses because harry is v's pwecious liddol horcrux.

to me, that just ruins my whole mood for reading the fic because i believe that bella doesn't have to compete at all, not when she is objectively already so much better than harry in Voldemort's eyes. He favours those who are cruel, cunning and devoted to the cause. None of which harry is or possesses.

a truly good harrymort fic would have overcome this issue, not just make voldemort like how much harry hates him and learn to live with it, because who tf would like that??? Oh hey! Look at me! My partner hates me because i murdered his family and am advocating for the destruction of all the people like him! Isn't he fucking beautiful with his murderous eyes! Haha!

like.. not it.

and harry can't just suddenly turn all pureblood supremist and be like, omg, i should be v's favourite because i overcame my views from the past and.. and Bellatrix sucks because she killed sirius!!!!!

and voldemort would not like to be antagonised everytime he's trying to live. i hate to break it to you, but harry can't stop him from murdering people, but bellatrix would stand next to him, also torturing people, so obviously, bellamort is the easier ship.

but that doesn't necessarily mean i like it more.

i am a huge fan of enemies to lovers and if done right, can be peak.

and i am not a fan of the trope where voldemort urges harry to hurt him because voldenort killed his parents and welcomes harry's rage. it's so fucking stupid, like, please slap me because i killed your parents and facilitated in the murder of your godfather who was wrongly imprisoned for 13 years because of me, and you are sooo mad at me for it. just, no.

he is not the type of person to beg. at all. voldemort is a taker, he takes advantage and he exploits. he does this to bella, too. why did she end up in jail? because she was serving him! does it seem like he apologised to bella for it? No! So why should harry be any different?? Especially harry, because it was due to harry that he lost the war in the first place!

so, voldemort himself would harbour a LOT of resentment towards harry, not just the other way around, and im telling you, it won’t be easy to get over this hatred, and i think that should be explored more. Not just voldemort Suddenly being interested in harry because harry is the only one brave enough to outwardly hate him (which is literally such a stupid, shallow reason for voldemort to take any notice of him at all.)

It looks like neither harry nor v is willing to compromise and this is the challenge they have to overcome in order to get together.

voldemort is a character who does not bend to anyone's wills and having him bend to harry's will is a discredit to his character. at its core, tomarrymort will always be a toxic ship because of their fundamental different world views and i like it when it is kept that way, and with Voldemort being horribly overbearing. harry cannot keep him in check, he's just a kid compared to Voldemort's age.

tom is also someone who believes anything can be solved with murder and if harry refuses him, and he doesn't like harry vey much, it will end in bloodshed and that is what i like about this horrifying pairing in the first place. the fact that v would not hesitate to kill unless it is one of his closest followers. This is a challenge that has to be overcome too.

im also sick and tired of harry always being given the preferential treatment in fics just because he's witty and sassy or whatever, like this isn't canon. he's just some guy, not tom riddle who was a prodigy since eleven, not bellatrix who even harry described as being powerful.

and don't you think it's stale that the fact that harry is a horcrux is always always some kind of basis to them getting together??? it's just sooo... overused and the fic community is saturated with the same tropes over and over again.

and tom and harry are not murder husbands. Just.. no. It's either butchering tom's character or harry's character. And im telling you frankly, if you want murder husbands, that is literally voldemort x genderbent bellatrix.

And i know that harry is most peoples favourite character, so voldemort is not given enough justice in their writing. His character is always butchered when harry outsmarts him or something and im sick and tired of it. Like, yeah voldemort is not a good person, but if you hate him so much, why are you shipping harrymort? Literally leave.

Overall, it is not the ship i hate, i just really hate some of the overused tropes and think they can be done better. me putting it this way can seem like i don’t like harry, which is not true. it’s just that i hate this fandom’s glorification of him and how they think that voldemort always owes him something for being a terrible person, which i think is really ooc.

my inclusion of bella and the blacks into their dynamics has thus nothing to do with my dislike for harry, but more so on the fact that the complete disregard this fandom has for bellatrix angers me.

Important disclaimer!!!:

I am in no way bashing anyone or any trope. I understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and writing. I hope you understand that this is simply my perspective and if i have hurt any of your feelings, i apologise. Please keep writing whatever you wish to write. Everyone's writing is truly a gift to this community and keep writing what makes you happy.

[cosmicdream222]

sorry to be morbid again but do you think we can manifest passing away early? im honestly past the point of wanting to exist and just want to get over this thing that im supposed to be a successful person but im not so idrc if i do or dont live

so many ppl on tarot related blogs ask about their fs but if we dont meet them does it matter and would they just move on with their life? like i think u have to have ur life put together but its genuinely so hard to do these days so i hope my fs wont be sad at all when i die cause i wouldnt be able to make tnem truly happy anyway cause im not happy myself with how things have been

ideally i wouldve done something in a sport or music but that ship sailed long ago and now im so stuck but id hate to be reliant on someone else and i shouldve moved out into my own place but housing is ridiculously expensive where im from and taxes dont help anyone. it takes years and years to pick up a talent so i have wasted those years and ik im just going to struggle to get past 50 if i were to have my own place bc minimum wage jobs suck arse and i dont want to be doinng something lame not that its lame for others to do it, its just not what i wanted to have done at all

you cant even get a degree without needing to fork out hundreds and thousands so yeah none of its easy and sure you can try subliminals but lets face it the systemn we are in is fucked up big time so rn i cant even bother with daydream about how it could have been or the what ifs i had done smth differently or if i had any talent but then theres still the, im too old and too foreign to do any sort of music as most successful groups nowadays are korean and even if i tried to do what they did it would probs end up killing me some way or other

its just either about having to be wealthy or having some type of talent both of which id fail at anyway as i shouldve done it years ago like a normal person who goes from being so so at something to being great at something.

i truly think i was born in wrong generation or i just shouldnt have been born at all then i wouldnt have to fret constantly abt these types of things. i think if the government genuinely sorted shit out for once and helped society ppl would be happier to work for less but im not happy at all with the current state of things. i feel guilty for existing and i hate it sm like god just let me end my life pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee there is nothing worthwhile in store, ik we could try shifting subliminals but have those genuinely worked? like u exit this reality and straight into the one you wanted originally? but then i might as well just pass away cause id have to know what i want in another reality

My dude, take a deep breath. You’ve ranted about all this same exact stuff a bunch of times now and I’m just gonna repeat the same thing I said to you last time:

All of that stuff you mentioned about your current reality is an illusion. Time is an illusion. It does not matter what you’ve done in the past. The economy does not matter. Your present circumstances do not matter.

I’ll add to that: Whatever some tarot reader or TikTok psychic says definitely does not matter. Idk what fs means but I’m guessing something like a twin flame and that is especially 1000% bullshit.

The spiritual community has created an incredible amount of false narratives to make excuses and blame outside forces for why things aren’t going their way. None of it is real. Seriously forget everything you learned about fate, karma, astrology, or anything else that’s saying something else is in control. Reality is an illusion. YOU are in control.

You don’t have to identify with any old bullshit anymore. Stop repeating the old story and think about what you do want. You can have literally ANYTHING! You say you don’t know what you want, ok, but you know what you don’t want, right?

I don’t want to work -> I want to live in a reality where I don’t have to work.

There, you just figured out something you want! It’s that simple.

I totally agree that this society is a horrific shitshow and I don’t want to be aware of it anymore either. But it’s just one version of reality available. It’s not the only reality and it’s not the original reality. You don’t have to be aware of it anymore if you don’t want to be.

You also don’t have to involve death at all. There’s a lot of misconception in the shifting world which has lead to concepts like “permashifting” and “respawning”, but those just all assume this current reality is the original one. It’s not.

Have you watched The Matrix? It’s really more like a documentary than science fiction lol. Just like in the movie, we are being tricked by a simulated virtual reality, controlled by a society that’s using us for our energy. Just think of reality as an escape room. We’re escaping the Matrix. Once you figure out how to leave, you don’t ever have to go back. There are infinite realities available to you, and none are more real or right or original than any others. Remember, death is not an ultimate, nor does it exist in all realities.

I am scripting a utopian reality with my best friend where there is no death, aging, or illness. Everyone is a master manifestor so they always get whatever they want. Nobody has to work and there isn’t even a need for money because we can manifest anything instantly. We can just relax and get massages all day. Everyone lives in peace and harmony and abundance. Animals are treated as equals to humans, we can all communicate with each other, and we can all fly and teleport. Because why the f not? 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

And if you really don’t want to exist (I’m guessing that other ask from a couple weeks ago is you too lol) you don’t have to exist in this reality, or any other. Removing your awareness from all physical reality is known as entering the void. You exist there as pure consciousness, and you can stay there as long as you like. It is you as your highest self. There’s nothing negative about it.

As for the whole subliminal thing, shifting subliminals are just one method. Shifting = manifesting = deciding what you want and experiencing it. It’s something we are always doing and is available to all of us. You don’t need any methods to shift besides intention. We just use methods to convince/calm the annoying human brain that is programmed with society’s limits.

[purpurussy]

literally haven't eaten anything all day (it's gone 7pm) or been outside in several days or slept more than 4 hours/night in the last week so im probably just being insane for no reason atm but

i feel like I'm at a weird sort of crossroads with this blog?

when i made this account i saw it as kind of an experiment in vulnerability and positivity. i said i'm gonna try my best to post what's in my heart and not care whether it does numbers or not. if people like it they like it, if not that's okay because i like it and i'm having fun. and i'm gonna practise some kind of general radical positivity/acceptance towards others too. like i promised myself i would not allow this to be anything other than a positive experience, a nice opportunity to express myself in a way that's disconnected from how people see me irl and maybe connect with likeminded people along the way

and once i started writing fic i literally couldn't stop, like the idea of being able to share my writing and have other people enjoy it too is so exciting and motivating to me. there is so much happening in my google docs atm and it feels so good to be writing again after years of feeling too depressed to create anything

however unfortunately i am the grumpiest most insecure person on earth and i have never let go of anything in my life. i've already been unable to stop myself from wading into discourse™ and the general social media fomo/insecurity is starting to get to me. like when did i go from just gleefully shouting into the void, to constantly checking my activity, trying to figure out the best times to post, literally crying when my stuff doesn't do as well as i wanted it to??? taking note of which posts flopped and which ones did well, so i can post more of the popular content instead of just posting what i want. none of this is even real, yet it's been bothering me in a very real way. most of which is just my brain turning it into a negative experience for fully self-imposed reasons

i do think social media is poison in general. and i know it does not work at all for someone who is very prone to having a complete menty b at the first sign of any kind of rejection. and i know a big part of the problem is that i'm attaching too much value to this blog and how people respond to my posts (I have been connecting with my friends irl more lately, but social media is literally designed to prey on the part of your brain that perceives social rejection as a threat to your existence so unfortunately it feels like this matters to me a lot more than it should. also my irls do not want to hear about dan and phil lmao)

idk if i should just accept that this is not good for me and delete, or if it's possible to once again achieve the carefree fun i was having at first. maybe if i can work on my irl issues i'll start to feel a bit better and then it won't bother me as much?

i'm also sort of wondering how much i should reveal about myself? like i want to feel completely free to post as much cringe/insanity/weird smut as I want. and if i was posting in a way that would be easily traceable back to my actual identity then i'd definitely be a lot more careful with what i say. but on the other hand i wanna get to know people better! it would be fun to hop into a discord and actually have a conversation with people rather than just rambling in the tags on their posts. so i'm not really sure what to do with that either. it's kinda fun to truly exist as a completely formless entity in a way, like im literally just tumblr dot com slash purpurussy and there's something freeing about that, even if it does make me feel like i'm missing out on a chance to connect with people properly sometimes

also that idea scares me! everyone on here is genuinely so cool and wonderful and it gives me such a huge dopamime hit when someone i admire likes my stuff. so it's just scary to interact with people more because it feels like oh no they're gonna realize im actually a cantankerous little troll that lives under a bridge and is a nightmare to talk to lmfao

this makes no sense and i'll probably delete it in a bit i just had to get it off my chest

[arcofacatboy]

is it weird to say i feel like i'm mourning arc of a scythe? like it'd be one thing if the book was actually just not that great n whatnot like harry potter but. the book is actually good. i almost wonder if neil tripped and fell into writing a book with good commentary when he seems to be so incapable of understanding those same things

its not that its nessecarily that its just good, perse, but it made me want to read again. i felt like this series was meant for me, and it permanently affected my taste in books

sorry if it seems like im venting in your askbox its just. im kinda just wondering if my feelings are just felt by me or if others understand

No it’s okay - I’m gonna break some of this down with my own thoughts where I can.

First of all, I can’t really say how you should label your feelings about Neal and his books. I’ve personally tried to avoid using words like mourning or grieving due to the context of why I’m retracting support from Neal in the first place. People, children, are being ruthlessly murdered every day. Me being upset that my (now former) favorite author is completely apathetic towards the victims of genocide will never compare to the grief, pain, and trauma that the people of Gaza and Palestine have been made to face for months now. That doesn’t mean you can’t label your feelings that way! That’s just something I try to keep in mind when talking about Neal myself.

The reason I shifted the focus of this blog, while keeping its original branding, is because I want to at least try to help in a way Neal is refusing to - making his fans aware of the absolutely inhumane treatment of Palestinians at the hands of the Israeli government. Like Neal, I’m by no means an expert on… anything going on right now. I try my absolute best to spread accurate information, but that doesn’t make me a professional or expert. I’m not Israeli, and I’m not Palestinian. I’m a white person living in the relative safety of the USA, who isn’t going to be the target of antisemitism or Islamophobia. I should not be anybody’s primary source of information. But, unlike Neal, I feel like I’m at least doing something, and I want to keep trying to do as much as I can. I’m not trying to one-up Neal here, this isn’t a competition - but I’m saying that all the excuses he’s used for saying nothing could easily be applied to me, and many of the people who have spoken out against him. And yet, here we are.

I haven’t reread Arc Of A Scythe with knowing the additional context that Neal is okay with being completely silent on a genocide, but I have been rereading Dry while keeping that in mind, and, yeah. Neal makes a lot of parallels to real-world crises in that book, and how governments, people in power, and regular people treat them - with where I am in the book right now, everyone not affected by the Tap-Out seems to be completely apathetic and not concerned, because the Tap-Out hasn’t made their life any worse… so it can just be swept under the rug while the people of Southern California lose access to potable water. Literally most of my notes are pointing out how hypocritical Neal is being with his commentary - he’s doing things right now that he portrays as bad things to do in the book. The most egregious example so far is linked here.

So, I can’t say why Neal has taken the stance that he has right now. There’s no point in speculating if he was always this performative in his activism, or if he’s fallen into the Israeli propaganda trap, because it ultimately doesn’t matter. He’s being ignorant and harmful, and he deserves to be condemned for that either way.

You’re not alone in how you feel, I think - a lot of former/current AOAS fans have been really thrown for a loop by Neal’s shit. We have to move forward from here, but no one person can tell you how to do that. (Also, none of this was me trying to be rude or disrespectful, so I’m sorry if it came off that way. One adjustment I’ve had to make for this blog is not talking like a YouTube shitpost, so my tone probably seems a little different from posts I made pre-“Neal being a colonialist sympathizer”.)

P.S about the Harry Potter thing: I’m not sure what you mean by “not that great”, but I agree with you there. There’s so much “not that great” stuff in Harry Potter that the average person doesn’t even know about - the entire franchise is rooted in these really weird ideas about race, class, and a million other things, so it’s bad beyond “oh the goblins are antisemitic caricatures and the author is a terf”. Those things are still extremely bad, don’t get me wrong. But if you want to know more about how bigotry permeates into every part of the franchise - not just the movies, books, and Hogwarts Legacy! - I recommend this video essay by Lily Simpson. It’s ten hours long, but definitely worth a watch. (Yes I did watch the entire thing over like, a week this summer.)

[kaveuh]

HEWO EI i need to fill my quota and hope this isnt too out of reach for something too specific </3 but may i ask hcs for kanata n chaiki (separate) with a menhera s/o who also dresses a lot in yamikawa and dark girly fashion :") I NEED TO STOP ASKING ONLY FOR KANATA N CHIAKI FROM YOU LOL but i like how you write them (loud sobfing). of course this is the same anon as the one who asked for the sanrio hcs because erm </3 doesnt dark jfashion somehow just go hand in hand w sanrio sometimes. they even released some jirai kei kuromi n mymelo stuff like im in tears /pos

BESIDES THIS HOPE UR DOING WELL!! ive also been around your blog a lot so im sorry i forgot to say but if you note down anons then lemme be darlingnon (=v=)~ﾌﾌ♪

a/n — HAHA IT’S OKAY DW! also the new sanrio collab cards makes me want to throw up /pos i love niki as cinnamoroll i might cry tears of JOY. I ALSO GOT MAYOI’S CARD ?! I SCREAMED SO LOUD AHHHDHDHCJF

also idk much about menhera / yami kawaii fashion </3 i tried to make it as detailed and clear as possible. BUT I HAD FUN WRITING THIS TYSM FOR REQUESTING ANON <3

CHIAKI & KANATA WITH A MENHERA S/O ! ☆

genre — fluff !

warning(s) — none

the first time CHIAKI had seen you in a different outfit other than your uniform, mans is BEWILDERED. though he is someone who doesn’t really care whether your fashion sense is great or not, chiaki gets extremely giggly whenever he sees you dress-up, no matter the occasion.

in all honesty, bro dresses so… simple LMAO, not that it’s a bad thing. his unit mates love to point out how your sense of fashions differ from each other and it’s kind of hilarious since he’s just getting dragged.. 😭

AHH OK BUT IMAGINE SHOPPING WITH HIM THOUGH? he’s literally so happy that you decided to take him with you when you wanted to buy new clothes, although he knows nothing about menhera fashion himself. he’s a very patient man when it comes to you— if you want to try on new clothes, go for it! no complaints from him no matter how long it takes. he’s also willing to rate outfits that you’ve come up with. you want to spend hours at a specific store? he’s looking around with you and waiting until you find clothes that you are happy with. high chance he’ll also pay for you, he’s not taking no for an answer. (unless you beat him into it, and he’ll sulk for a good 10 minutes or more.)

SPEAKING OF CLOTHING AND SHOPPING… chiaki will suggest matching outfits! he’s so enthusiastic about it as well… will definitely force midori or kanata to take pictures of the two of you.

HE WILL SCREAM IF YOU EVER SEND A PICTURE OF YOUR FITS TO HIM. will start malfunctioning and yelling at kanata, giggling and kicking his feet about how adorable and pretty you look! if he’s at home, chiaki will send one back in a similar outfit with the clothes that he bought when he hung out with ryusetai at the mall. SOBS

like chiaki, KANATA is also one who doesn’t really care about fashion outside of idol work and stuff. he just naturally dresses nice and has drip lol (bros beautiful)

kanata LOVES doing your makeup, especially the undereye blush because he thinks it’s satisfying for some reason LMAO. if he’s free, he’s most definitely going all out on your makeup AND will pick out an outfit for you, which he prefers pastel colors instead of the darker ones, so he’ll usually go with those.

he also doesn’t mind matching with you! it’s just not as often like with chiaki, since he doesn’t want to ruin the outfit when he goes out to float in the water (again). BUT HE’S DOWN TO GO ON A DATE WITH MATCHING FITS! he also helps you put on certain accessories and bandaids that fits in with the aesthetic.

kanata’s also a great partner to go shopping with BECAUSE HE’S JUST FOLLOWING YOU AROUND AND NOT COMPLAINING. kind of just,,, letting you do your thing and stuff because he loves seeing you buy and look for clothes that you enjoy wearing. if you’re changing or trying out some clothes, he’s waiting outside the stall, waiting for you to do the grand reveal and he WILL HYPE YOU UP AND TAKE MULTIPLE PICTURES OF YOU!

he’s not as expressive as chiaki, but he will go crazy in his head when you send a picture LMAO he’s like.. “?!?!!? holh?!?! my s/o is os.hfs / sso… PRETTY?!?! AGHHH” and will probably unconsciously start gripping on his pillowcase and sheets trying not to kick his feet out of excitement LMAO

[konniesreality]

hi konnie… ♥︎ i’m struggling sm with entering the void because of my severe adhd and i’ve gone through every option of trying to enter but none have worked. i guess this is because i stop after a while voluntarily but like i said my adhd makes it soooooo hard to stay still and no matter what my assumptions are- no matter how blissful and fulfilled i feel in that i can enter the void in zero time- i’m laying still…. forever. and yes i’ve tried waking up in it. i wasted a whole month assuming i would and never did. i know this is a narrative i need to abandon but like i said i’ve done everything right. i was literally IN sabbath state until something horrible happened in my 3d that made me panic and turn to the void again.

the void has always felt like my path deep down. i always felt drawn to it even when practicing regular loa and manifesting with the state of knowing (which did not work either lol). i’m just out of options? i’ve tried sats/lullabies, affirming, not affirming, subliminals, sitting up, laying down, sleep paralysis, meditation… i mean i can go on forever. so why not me? why is everyone else saved but not me? i’ve done everything right and i feel so scared to be stuck in this reality. i could lose someone i really love. i need help or something and i’m truly sorry to burden you with this ask its just that any other bigger blog i would send this to would probably not even care about this ask bc of how many like it they receive. i never talk about loa with anyone btw so im sorry if this was a lot.

much love to you. i hope you take care of yourself and stay safe

Anon… I know you’re going through a hard time, I know you tried everything, but listen, stop reaffirming the old. That doesn’t matter anymore, you are not an exception! You can AND WILL get in the void. Work on your void concept. Again. Stop reaffirming the wrong thing which is I’ve tried everything. I have adhd too but I low key think you need to take a break. I know you’re desperate but a break it what you need.

I love u anon, things will get better!

[cmgirlie]

I'm gonna be honest here. I hate to say it, but the only thing that's making this situation sadder than Punk getting fired itself, is the behavior of his own fans. I get being upset, I'd be upset too if it was one of my faves who lost their job. But a lot of you are not helping in the matters and are making it worse.

Instead of celebrating Punk, looking back on all the good memories and all the things he got to accomplish, and concentrating on the positive things, you're using this as an opportunity to be hateful, bitter, spiteful, and malicious towards other fans and to further create a divide within the wrestling fanbase, when the truth is, it really doesn't have to be that way. And to hate on other wrestlers (some of whom have nothing to do with the situation at all and weren't even involved), making jokes at their expense and saying all kinds of mean and nasty things about them.

How do you figure that's supposed to help in anything or make anything better? How do you figure it's fair that the other talent, who are gonna be at the PPV tonight, have to feel the affects of this and that their work is gonna get overshadowed and ultimately have to suffer and pay the price, because of this? None of that is gonna get Punk his job back. The Elite or Jungle Boy or any of the talent aren't who made the decision to fire Punk, TK did. Why aren't you pointing the finger at him and throwing all the criticism at him? That's who your anger should be directed at, that's who you should be blaming for all this.

this blog has 60 followers. i made it specifically to interact with other punk fans. eveything about it makes clear that's what im here for. my posts complaining about people who I think screwed him over (including TK btw) have gotten on average 5 notes. why are you here??? my opinions have no reach and no impact and there's no reason they should matter this much to you

do me a favour: if for some bizarre reason you're following me, unfollow. if you follow people who agree with me enough to put my posts in your dash unfollow them. if (as im guessing) you actively went out looking for punk fans complaining to confront, please drop the "im just trying to be fair and punk fans are so hateful" act and then leave. go support the people you think deserve support tonight at the pay-per-view cuz coming to bother me isn't gonna help them either. take the W, enjoy your favs, and leave me to be 'hateful, bitter, spiteful, and malicious' where i literally cannot bother unless you want to be bothered.

[dabislittlemouse]

Let's get into it then. I'll try to tread carefully. Let me know if im overstepping boundaries. Lately I've noticed that I get way too involved with the lives of fictional ppl. I mean we all do to some degree, right? That's why we're here on your blog, cuz we love Dabi but I'm wondering if it's unhealthy. I don't have many ppl in the real world that I'm particularly close with so I suppose I use fictional characters to fill a space inside me im missing. When I watch a show or read a book where the characters are going through it it literally effects me like im watching my own loved ones struggling. It effects my mood, triggers my depression. Somedays it feels like i don't even want to get out of bed. I don't want to face the real world. I struggle with crippling anxiety so bad that I cant handle when ppl brush my shoulder or stand too close behind me. My skin crawls and bones feel like their shifting beneath my skin. I've always been bad at handling social interactions, I think that's why I cling onto fictional characters. I can love them from afar. I can put my whole heart and soul into loving them but not worry about the social aspects that I struggle with. I cant talk to them, I can't touch them. This person will never hurt me, their not real.

(Sorry if this is too much. Just wanted to talk, not make you uncomfortable.)

-🐺

I get what you mean, I used to be like you too until life forced me to go out there, get a job, and in a way or another meet people and have social interactions.

It’s not a bad thing to seek comfort on fictional characters, I encourage it because its better than to be hurt by someone in real life. And we love them as if they were real, and our feelings are valid, thats why we get upset when something happens to these characters, because it’s not that we just like them, we literally love them. Not everyone puts their whole heart and soul in a fictional character like we do, and that is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because we have a source of happiness no matter what happens, our fictional hubby is there for us. And a curse, because we completely escape reality and one day life will throw us out there and we won’t know what to do.

But it is best to think it that way, if something bad happens to that character which will affect your mood since you’re deeply attached to him, then you just remember that he is not real. None of it is real. Which means, you can also create your own reality with this character, something different from canon. If this character dies for example (well thats a hard one to get over it), i think its best to create your own world with a different ending, maybe write a fanfic, or draw something, or just discuss it with someone. After all, just because its creator said “this character dead”, doesn’t mean you can’t create your own fantasies where he survived. Because it’s in fact unhealthy to get heavily affected by a character’s tragic story, I’ve experienced it too with Dabi, literally crying whenever something bad happened to him.

I’m a maladaptive daydreamer and I tell you, I used to constantly daydream just to not face reality lmao. And I still do. But I noticed that just like you, I didn’t even want to wake up in the morning in the following day. Didn’t want to do anything and my mental health was worsening because I was used to staying in my own world, in my comfort zone with my fictional hubby, that made it so hard for me to actually go out in real life.

But in a way or another I got over it, now I can both manage real life and my daydreaming, I don’t let it consume me because if I do it again I just know it will ruin my life. It sucks to be an adult, but its part of life now, I’m not a teenager anymore and I gotta go out in the real world and learn how to survive.

Though your case seems a bit more harder than mine, because anxiety wouldn’t be this severe on me. I highly suggest you see a therapist that might help you to overcome all of this, because anxiety is a real bitch.

You don’t have to force yourself for any social interaction, people drain you out sometimes, and I’d rather stay alone than be constantly social with people. I just get tired quickly and I’d rather just talk with one good friend that I’m close with. Do you have internet friends? Maybe you can start by making internet friends, before you go out there and make irl friends which can be more intimidating since you gotta see them in real life etc etc. I don’t have many people irl close to me either, just one friend.

I don’t know how valid my response is but this is my perspective on it. My therapist said that this will all pass one day when I told her the same thing, that I don’t have to force myself to stop thinking for this character just because it’s unhealthy. It will all go away that’s what she said (well not on my watch I’m not letting Dabi go)

[kithtaehyung]

Okay, not trying to monopolize the inbox lol, but ive been thinking about things all morning, and i want to give context to my reactions to some things because you’re so talented you deserve to know exactly how much this affected me!

- Oh god, Ryen, dont take this from us: “Yoongi decides that he wants more of it. In a lot of other aspects of his life.”

He’s wanting things for himself! Yes, reader was the catalyst, but everyone gets inspired by something, and you kind of have to to come out of dark shit. That he’s gotten to a point where he wants to be better for HIMSELF! In more ways than outside the relationship! I know this was discussed more in the interlude, but this line right here hit me right in the feels. The way you have fully given us this example of what this type of growth looks like, how painful that process can be while it’s happening!

- “If he’s gonna bow out, he’s gonna do all the shit he wants to do first. One last time before reality fully severs the string that shouldn’t have tethered to your heart.” No he’s going to break her… no no no no no

I love that i was proven wrong here, that even if he didn’t open up to her, she would have been okay, that she learned how to be okay for herself!!! It still would have been devastating for me, but she would have been okay!!

- “If it was Yuri instead…” oop!!

Again you explored this further (i just love your writing, man), when she was talking about feeling betrayed. I love this exploration of the role reversal!! I’m guessing when they tell bro or in the build-up to that you’ll go more i to WHY she would feel betrayed… I’m trying to imagine one of my friends dating one of my sisters behind my back, maybe i just hate my sister’s current boyfriend enough that i can’t relate lol

- “Of course, this could just be another byproduct of your worrying, so you blaze past it. No more of that, remember? He’s proven himself over and over that you don’t have to second guess.” Ryen no!!!! How could you!!! Worry, girl worry!!!!

Ryen, I was gonna throw hands if my girl’s non-worrying was punished!!! Seriously though, just the way you show this growth in her thought process and how it can be hard to find where you can trust your instincts, but how she can do that by clearly identifying the external cues that give actual credence to the fear! It’s like a masterclass! I’m taking notes! I feel weird that my feedback is mostly about like… how you demonstrate anxiety… But it’s the way you talk about something so important (at the very least to me, but im guessing a whole lot of people) in a way that’s clear but still entertaining, emotional, is a catalyst for conflict and resolution story-wise in a way that’s true to life. It’s so good!!

- “This old, silly man.”

My favorite fucking line. Especially bc when i watch videos and clips of real life Yoongi i express this same sentiment all the time lol! Also this as the turning point for her realizing how she impacts him, of not just seeing herself as the recipient of good things in this relationship. Chefs kiss!

- “And you’ll be okay. No matter what happens now, you’ll brave those waters.”

Like i said before, this was so great! The joy i felt here for her! I felt so proud!!

- “Holy fuck, what else has he been screaming without a word? “ shit

‘Screaming without a word’ that hit me so hard! Just making me feel things over here without holding my hand?!?!?

- “Yoongi [10:06pm]: It’s all good. I got us” oh thank fuck

Not my distrustful ass ruminating last night about whether Jimin or Tae took his phone to reassure her bc he’s actually freaking out smh Literally none of my predictions of angst have been right! Need to get like reader and take your cues and not make up pain in my head!

I’m so glad i came across your blog and this story! You’ve given me so much, and done so in the most masterful way! Such a talent!!

-🚌

BUSSSS IM FINALLY HERE DFKDSF you posted this so quickly after forfeit dropped, too.. goodness. i will try not to be this late to responding again omfg i feel so bad for all the late ass responses T^T

Okay, not trying to monopolize the inbox lol, but ive been thinking about things all morning, and i want to give context to my reactions to some things because you’re so talented you deserve to know exactly how much this affected me!

you aren't monopolizing omg!! you can send as many messages as you want to, anytime<33

- Oh god, Ryen, dont take this from us: “Yoongi decides that he wants more of it. In a lot of other aspects of his life.”

He’s wanting things for himself! Yes, reader was the catalyst, but everyone gets inspired by something, and you kind of have to to come out of dark shit. That he’s gotten to a point where he wants to be better for HIMSELF! In more ways than outside the relationship! I know this was discussed more in the interlude, but this line right here hit me right in the feels. The way you have fully given us this example of what this type of growth looks like, how painful that process can be while it’s happening!

you really do have to get yourself out of dark shit, bc at the end of the day you only have you! and i'm glad you noticed that he wants to be better for himself before anything else. that's the growth that i want all of us to have, not just our beloved 3tan yoongi. and it really can be so painful and scary?? but we will all be better for it when we start that process.

- “If he’s gonna bow out, he’s gonna do all the shit he wants to do first. One last time before reality fully severs the string that shouldn’t have tethered to your heart.” No he’s going to break her… no no no no no

I love that i was proven wrong here, that even if he didn’t open up to her, she would have been okay, that she learned how to be okay for herself!!! It still would have been devastating for me, but she would have been okay!!

i'm glad you were proven wrong, too! because we all expect the worst (3tan yoongi very much included) but that didn't happen. reader would've been okay because they are so strong, but i'm glad that things unfolded the way they did.

- “If it was Yuri instead…” oop!!

Again you explored this further (i just love your writing, man), when she was talking about feeling betrayed. I love this exploration of the role reversal!! I’m guessing when they tell bro or in the build-up to that you’ll go more i to WHY she would feel betrayed… I’m trying to imagine one of my friends dating one of my sisters behind my back, maybe i just hate my sister’s current boyfriend enough that i can’t relate lol

AHHH YES. not a lot of people talked about the realization that reader had when thinking about the situation if it was flipped. like what if bro was hooking up with one of her friends? what if it was one of the friends we are used to seeing?? like that would be awkward as hell!! so why wouldn't reader and yoongi's situation be perceived any differently?

it's always fun to introduce new perspectives, especially when we're so entrenched in one for a long time. reality is a b it ch sometimes so there's that lol

- “Of course, this could just be another byproduct of your worrying, so you blaze past it. No more of that, remember? He’s proven himself over and over that you don’t have to second guess.” Ryen no!!!! How could you!!! Worry, girl worry!!!!

Ryen, I was gonna throw hands if my girl’s non-worrying was punished!!! Seriously though, just the way you show this growth in her thought process and how it can be hard to find where you can trust your instincts, but how she can do that by clearly identifying the external cues that give actual credence to the fear! It’s like a masterclass! I’m taking notes!

DFLSDFHSD you really brought out to the masterclass word i'm gonna cry!! but yes, i knew reader has matured mentally up to this point - i mean, it's been a few chapters, so.. gotta see some incremental growth throughout them all! to show that growth in different ways is certainly a challenge, but one that i am very fine with trying to overcome.

I feel weird that my feedback is mostly about like… how you demonstrate anxiety… But it’s the way you talk about something so important (at the very least to me, but im guessing a whole lot of people) in a way that’s clear but still entertaining, emotional, is a catalyst for conflict and resolution story-wise in a way that’s true to life. It’s so good!!

whoa whoa don't feel weird about that at alllll, bus. you know my writing is intentional, so everything i bring up and talk about? you bet it's on purpose.

what is writing if not a little bit of social commentary? anxiety, depression, and any other mental subjects people deal with are prevalent and need to be discussed - and taught accurately about - a lot more. whether people pick up on these subjects while reading or not, i want them to be as normally presented as they would show up in life. because they're there.

we can't shy away from these things or see them as weaknesses, either, bc they are not.

- “This old, silly man.”

My favorite fucking line. Especially bc when i watch videos and clips of real life Yoongi i express this same sentiment all the time lol! Also this as the turning point for her realizing how she impacts him, of not just seeing herself as the recipient of good things in this relationship. Chefs kiss!

AHAHAH YESSS we love our silly old man that's my age but i digress. and the realization hidden in this line, too? i'm glad you noticed<33 now reader knows that they aren't alone in the cloudy mind department.

- “And you’ll be okay. No matter what happens now, you’ll brave those waters.”

Like i said before, this was so great! The joy i felt here for her! I felt so proud!!

god, i'm so proud of both of them. i really do wanna dive back into this chapter again just to witness everything all over again.

- “Holy fuck, what else has he been screaming without a word? “ shit

‘Screaming without a word’ that hit me so hard! Just making me feel things over here without holding my hand?!?!?

ahhhh.. thank you omg.. this commentary hit me in the feels!!

- “Yoongi [10:06pm]: It’s all good. I got us” oh thank fuck

Not my distrustful ass ruminating last night about whether Jimin or Tae took his phone to reassure her bc he’s actually freaking out smh Literally none of my predictions of angst have been right! Need to get like reader and take your cues and not make up pain in my head!

SLDFDSHF the overthinking aspect is so real, too!! like yes it makes for something to write about but dear god i know how overthinking can really get to you.

I’m so glad i came across your blog and this story! You’ve given me so much, and done so in the most masterful way! Such a talent!!

thank you so much for everything, bus!! you've been so wonderful to have here and i'm glad you're enjoying all the writing. i am blushing so hard right now LOL you better quit before i cry even more!

[lehhoh7822]

I posted 3,855 times in 2022

That's 3,609 more posts than 2021!

648 posts created (17%)

3,207 posts reblogged (83%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@proudfreakmetarusonniku

@ruffboijuliaburnsides

@phantoids

@journal-number-3

@las-nevadas-corporate

I tagged 1,355 of my posts in 2022

#lr likes your art - 182 posts

#dsmp - 75 posts

#ua reblogs - 47 posts

#lehhohgoeszoom - 34 posts

#cdc reblogs - 29 posts

#cw food - 29 posts

#haha - 27 posts

#yeah - 27 posts

#passing ships - 27 posts

#creb - 26 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#you know i don’t remember what an ost is but there are many people who go by ranboo and followers knowing your music taste isn’t atypical

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

@americans how many blazes are you getting???

i see a lot of post complaining about blazed posts but im in australia so ive gotten literally like none

15 notes - Posted September 26, 2022

#4

you know i rewatched the whole minecraft bu the sky is eating the world thing where mr soot kept saying that he was being an iron slut

i am beign a whore for copper. i need more fucking copper. 64 of those only translate to 7 blocks (and there should be an extra one but there isn;t because... maht?)

listen I have this massive room and it’s made of snow. and copper. 

16 notes - Posted August 31, 2022

#3

“At this rate I see literally no difference between kicking your ass out of the balcony and not.” oh my god.

this is the bullshit that keeps my love of centricide going

how would one describe centricide, genuinely? EDIT: oh my god I am so sorry I forgot to mention this is a quote from the politi-girl fanfic series on ao3 sorry for forgetting to give credit to @politigirls on ao3

19 notes - Posted July 7, 2022

#2

you know, with all this reboot stuff, i just want to say that the ccs... idk, i feel like they dont completely get how funky the fans are. they’ll be real upset that you tore away the plot and characters and storylines they drew to love with a potential of everything failing more, and many will pull away

but even more so, i think many will stay.

im not sure if they realise that dsmp is really important to a lot of people, and how upsetting it would be to have it torn away after waiting and being paitient, endless fan content and community based around a plot that essentially got “Abandoned Work: Unfinished or Discontinued” slapped on it, but its important enough that even when you mock your fans for being there, even when you fuck them over, etc, etc, they will still watch because it was so good and they care enough and hope enough that theyll keep going until you reach really really shit

yeah lol. idk man

25 notes - Posted July 10, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

for me specifically as a teenager who has asthma, i just. maybe its just me, but i swear it can’t be. asthma is this frustrating creature who you get very sick of very quickly. when i have an asthma attack, i might be experiencing like. physcial struggle to breathe but cognitively im just annoyed and tired, and the most emotional reaction you’ll probably get out of me is just frustration or a little bit of fear if it goes on a little bit too long.

everyone is prickish about it, when i was younger i could never participate in sport and people thought i was so lucky when everything just hurt and my head was always light and the office ladies fucking despised me. no one wants to call it a real disability (what else is it? I dare you, tell me what a disability is), it makes you scared to do things, you dont want to run that race or try that sport because you know you won’t be able to do it. you need breaks while running. inhalers are more expensive the price stacks up over time 

like when i have an asthma attack, i literally cannot just breathe. that is the entire problem. i cannot do breathing exercises, it does not matter whehter or not i look you in the eyes, i need the medication for my chronic illness. 

i had this whole thing where a bunch of student in primary school like year 5-6 made videos about me, mocking me and calling me asthma attack girl, and pretending to have asthma attacks to be like look at (name) and how much shes faking!! and putting them online and they got a lot of shares. 

“stop doing that stupid wheezing thing and just breathe” “why are you coughing like that? don’t you want to breathe?” “look at me, no, NO, HEY, HEY, look at me and breathe in- NO NO, BREATHE in and hey no-” “you just lost control of yourself, you need to stay in control and not give in to the asthma”

like. fuck you. treat us with respect. also because your ableism is easy to clown on. 

91 notes - Posted October 16, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[ao3feed-crimeboys]

Your falling fast Theseus, come back to us.. Im not Theseus though i'm guillotine! ( Tommyinnit vigilantly AU )

by lilyandlunasstories

Hero or villain does it matter? no not really its all just a grey world, there is no black or white, everyone thinks there in the right. Its a very harsh world but there are good things to it, tommy has had a very no so friendly child hood, but he has dedicated his life to making sure no one else goes through what he went through. Of course he would never do it alone as he has his best friends, but for how long? Will the world really accept him having help or will it all go spiraling down hill. "Theseus come back now!" "You'll never escape your past, just give up"

"well look who we have here a vigilantly" Why is literally everybody trying to ruin my life? well, guess its time to stop being a pussy and get up and do something.

Words: 862, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: DreamSMP, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF, Origins SMP

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Categories: Gen

Characters: TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo, Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot, Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Jschlatt (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Niki | Nihachu, Badboyhalo - Character, Hannah | Hannahxxrose, Alexis | Quackity, Cara | CaptainPuffy, Karl Jacobs, Grayson | Purpled (Video Blogging RPF), Charlie | Slimecicle, Luke | Punz, Jack Manifold, Sam | Awesamdude, Callahan (Video Blogging RPF), Dan Middleton | DanTDM, Foolish (Dream SMP Character), Eret (Video Blogging RPF), Michael the Piglin (Dream SMP), DreamXD (Dream SMP), Antfrost (Video Blogging RPF), Connor | ConnorEatsPants, Zak Ahmed | Skeppy, Lannan Eacott | LazarBeam, Aimee | Aimsey (Video Blogging RPF), Fundy (Video Blogging RPF), Tinna (Video Blogging RPF), Ponk | DropsByPonk (Video Blogging RPF)

Relationships: Ranboo & TommyInnit & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Grayson | Purpled & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Jack Manifold & Niki | Nihachu, Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Grayson | Purpled & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF) & Toby Smith | Tubbo & Ranboo, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit, Technoblade & TommyInnit, TommyInnit & Ranboo

Additional Tags: Vigilante TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Hero Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Hero Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Hero Wilbur Soot, Dream Team SMP Roleplay (Video Blogging RPF), Blood and Injury, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Minor Character Death, Blood and Gore, Avian TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Avian Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Angst, TommyInnit Needs a Break (Video Blogging RPF), Vigilante Ranboo & Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Hero Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Hurt/Comfort, Supperhero/Supervillain AU, Vigilantism, None of the relationships here are romantic, Wilbur Soot and Technoblade are Siblings, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Violence, Attempt at Humor, Secret Identity, Protective Sleepy Bois Inc, Protective Dream Team, Emotional Manipulation

[izzy-b-hands]

Once again asking my cymbalta dreams to chill the fuck out

Last night's was good? But bad because about things most would call bad? But weirdly I was very happy in the dream.

I know posting abt it on here isn't anything anyone is interested but I've spent this entire day in physical pain and/or in tears so I'm gonna take advantage of the ability to use my blog for whatever and vent post abt it.

I think I've typed enough the auto cut new thing should kick in so ppl can scroll past this. Im also gonna tw tag the fuck out of it but if I miss a tag someone needs let me know.

Technically, I think most ppl would categorize the dream as a zombie plot? Like. Literally me, a good portion of the OFMD cast including Con (mentioning him specifically because he was involved with another couple of details in this), one of my ex best friends from middle school, and some other randos were dead. Truly dead. Kept in morgue coolers in this hotel we weren't allowed to leave. It had been retrofit to be more of a house than hotel, to keep us happy and busy.

Because we woke up, every morning. No job to go to or anything, because whatever we touched or breathed on could kill and pass whatever hit us onto someone still living. So there was nothing to do but fuck around this hotel, quite literally fighting or fucking or setting shit on fire just for fun. Caretakers in hazmat and fire protection gear would come in, clean up our messes, and leave each day. Didn't so much as speak to us or even look at us.

The fucking did at one point include Con and me, which was really fucking nice if I may say without getting too TMI! But odd, because we both kept commenting on how cold we both were (because dead lmao) and that rigor mortis setting in each night and then leaving each morning meant certain body parts just didn't move as easily as before, like an arm could get stuck reaching for something. And both of us definitely wanted to like. Address why no one was actually trying to help us and was just letting all of us turn into this band of bored as fuck zombies forever, but who was there to ask? So we just had a weepy moment in the snuggling after because I think it clicked for both of us then that we'd best find ways to keep each other and everyone happy, because this wasn't going to end in any way any time soon.

Which leads to how all of us actually got back to sleep each night. You had to essentially rekill yourself. Any method, and a lot of times we took turns shooting each other to make it easier (one scene had Con and I as the last two awake at one point, so we literally had to manage to shoot each other point blank at the same time, because none of knew what might happen to us if we didn't find a way to 'sleep' but there was the implication it was worse than the current reality we were in.) That scene honestly made me cry when I woke up. Con was very kind about it even as we were both like hey this is getting kind of fucked up! Maybe someone should actually see about curing this or just finding a way to keep us dead? Because the in between thing is weird and unsettling!

Towards the end I got in trouble for handing something directly to a caretaker who unbeknownst to me had a rip in their glove. I think they achieved the only way out from the infection, because their coworkers literally yanked out axes and chopped them to bits. Then they didn't have a way to get up again, like the rest of us.

But aside from those moments of holy shit this situation is fucked up beyond belief, everyone was happy. Carefree levels of happy, so long as they weren't thinking abt the situation itself or missing family and friends. Running thru the halls like kids, fucking around and being destructive in ways most adults wouldn't ever be day to day, but we did because what did it matter? The weird fucks in suits would come in and fix it all and we could fuck it up again the next day.

We had really lovely talks and read through books together from a limited library. No one needed to eat, but we talked abt previous fave foods. We wondered why it was so quiet outside and if it was because of us being there that the town seemed abandoned, or if something else had gone on. We didn't even know what city or country we were in, for that matter.

There was one perfect scene tho that was just me and some of the rest helping each other into our little morgue slider things (whatever the fuck those are called again lmaoo) at night. Because it felt so loving and normal despite the situation. People told me good night and meant it, I meant it back, and we assuaged worries of what if we didn't wake back up in the morning this time? Would that be better or worse?

The last bit of it I remember was Con putting a blanket over me before rolling me into my drawer for the night. I felt very cared for, and couldn't help but think how it was one of the few times I hadn't wanted for overall human connection and community care. Then thought wow it's fucked up it took all of being some sort of zombie to achieve that.

I woke up after that and had a good cry over it. Part of why I keep crying today I think. I'm just really grateful everyone in it was nice to me, in the end. Since it felt really fucking unsettling real.

[sensesdialed-aa]

and all of a sudden, i hate my portrayal