#liver please stay strong

[ckret2]

Chapter 26 of human Bill doing his best to arm-twist his captors into doing anything he wants, featuring: the gang going to the mall, where Bill tries on some of the most ridiculous outfits known to mankind, to Mabel's delight and Stan & Dipper's despair.

(please click on the second image, you can't imagine how long it took to make those two patterns. (Okay you probably can, it was a couple hours.))

####

Bill said, "Well, you can tell Stanford that if he's got a problem with my drinking, I'd like to see him try to get a good night's sleep in an alien body without some kind of sedative! I've got a fresh new liver, three little cans of cider a day won't kill me before one of us finds a way to get me out of this body!"

Exasperated, Mabel said, "Why do I have to tell him? Just talk to each other."

"You think I don't want to? He's the one who's put two doors, an elevator, and a trick vending machine between him and me."

Mabel supposed that was true. "Okay, fine. More importantly: what do you think of going shopping?"

Bill shrugged. "Sure. I'll take any opportunity to go outside. It'll be a good test run for other trips."

Mabel frowned, clearly disappointed by the reaction. "That's it? I thought you'd be more excited. You can finally get more clothing!"

"How much clothing do I need?" He gestured down at himself, wearing his hoodie and a borrowed skirt. "I'm not naked, what more do you want from me?"

"To like your clothing!"

"Oh, right. I keep forgetting you have a whole thing about people other than you being happy."

Mabel socked his arm. "Do you just not care about clothes? I didn't expect you to be like Dipper about it."

Eugh. "It's not that I don't like fashion in general," Bill said, eager to distance himself from the household wet blanket. "I have very strong opinions on other people's fashion! It's just..."

It was just that he didn't relish the idea of standing in front of a mirror, partially nude, staring at the bone-caged skin prison he was locked inside.

He still put towels over the bathroom mirror when he showered.

"Well," he said, "isn't the whole point of fashion self-expression? And my self can't be expressed in this body." He tugged on the collar of his hoodie, "This is as close as it's gonna get."

"Does clothing have to express your self? Can't it just look really cool?" Mabel asked.

Bill considered that. "I do like looking really cool."

Maybe he didn't have to see it as dressing himself. Treat it like inflicting his design whims upon a helpless human puppet. He'd done that before, he liked doing that. He was lucky, at least, that as far as puppets went, this was an incredibly good-looking one. Aside from the neck.

"Do I have to wear that, though?" Bill skeptically eyed the knit garment held in Mabel's hands.

"Yep! Grunkle Ford's orders! It's to make sure you don't talk to people."

"Can I put it on over my hoodie?"

"As heartwarming as it is that you love it so much: no, you've gotta take it off."

"How come?"

"It's safer this way! Your hoodie might freak people out."

"Freak them out how?"

####

Soos trudged into the kitchen at 3 a.m., yawning, and turned on the lights.

The Bill Cipher, triangular and angular, gold-bricked and one-eyed, hovered in the air.

Soos screamed. "He's back! Everyone watch out! You stay away from my family, you—" Soos picked up the nearest weapon and chucked it at Bill.

The spatula bounced harmlessly off his chest and clattered to the floor. Bill took his hood off. "Wow. Thanks for getting my hopes up, Questiony."

"Oh, whoops. Sorry 'bout that. At a quick glance, that hoodie makes you look a lot like... you." Soos looked Bill up and down again. "Hey. How come you're standing on the kitchen table in the middle of the night?"

"Eh." Bill shrugged. "It passes the time."

####

"Sometimes I curse your species's overactive pattern-detection instincts." Bill snatched Mabel's offering out of her hand and trudged to the bathroom to change.

He emerged a moment later wearing the tank top Mabel had knit for him, and tugged out the hem to examine it. She'd cross-stitched on the chest: "STAY BACK! I BITE SALES PEOPLE!"

"I'd be pretty insulted," Bill said, "if this wasn't the funniest thing I've ever worn."

####

Stan pulled the old Diablo near the porch to minimize the amount of time Bill would spend in open air between confinement in the shack and in a vehicle; then waited leaning against the car, glowering at the ground like the world's surliest chauffeur (he'd even put on his suit), for Dipper and Mabel to escort the prisoner outside.

The second Bill stepped off of the porch, he looked up in amazement. "What is that?"

Dipper and Mabel looked at Bill's face, then in the direction he was looking. He was staring straight into the sun without squinting. Mabel said, "The... sun?"

"No, not the sun! I mean the—" Bill gestured toward the sun. "Whatever it's doing."

Mabel looked skyward again. She didn't see anything else Bill could be referring to. "Shining?"

"I know what sunshine is!"

"Then what are you asking about!"

Bill studied the sky a moment longer. Finally, he said, "Guess I don't know what sunshine feels like! It's been a long time since I've been naked in the sun."

Stan's head snapped up to stare at Bill. Bill was still completely clothed.

After another few seconds, arms outstretched, staring in blank-faced wide-eyed wonder at the sky, Bill concluded, "I think I'm photosynthesizing again."

This time Dipper looked over. And, Bill was still completely human—a species notoriously well-known for not photosynthesizing. "'Again'?"

Bill didn't respond. Instead, with a shrill cackle that startled the nearby birds out of the trees, he took off at a full sprint.

"Hey!" Dipper tore after him. Stan tensed up, but then grunted, leaned back against his car, and waited for Bill to trip.

Bill's run was the awkward bouncing gait of a moon astronaut on fast forward: someone who at some point had definitely learned how to run, but clearly wasn't used to doing it in this body on this world. He switched to an odd sideways crab-walk gallop—which was, surprisingly, faster—and then attempted, and failed, a cartwheel. Dipper dove for Bill, Stan laughed at them both, and Mabel shouted encouragement at Bill from the porch; Bill hopped back up just before Dipper could catch him.

He attempted a second cartwheel but was caught in the middle by an invisible force jerking his wrist. He yelped and tumbled to the ground. "I think I twisted my arm!" He sounded way too giddy about this.

Mabel looked down at her own wrist and the chain bracelet. She wasn't being actively pulled toward Bill; but nevertheless she couldn't pull her wrist any further away from him. "It worked."

"Of course it did!" Breathing heavily, Bill got to his feet and leaned backward on his heels, using the tension of the bracelet around his wrist to keep from falling. "What, did you ever doubt me?"

"Yes," Stan said. "Always," Dipper said. "Every time you open your mouth," Mabel said.

"You're all haters."

Mabel took a flying leap off of the porch. Bill toppled on his back again.

Once they were all loaded in the car—Dipper in the front glaring in the rear view mirror, Mabel and Bill in the back with Bill making faces at the mirror—Stan said, "Okay. I'm not getting you anything nice, because you're not worth it."

"Aww. And after I made you almost five grand?"

Dipper's jaw dropped. "He what?! When did—"

Raising his voice, Stan went on, "So we're going to Shop Thrifty. Any complaints?"

Bill said, "You don't wanna go there."

Stan turned to give him a dark look.

"You don't," Bill said. "They were robbed this weekend. Security's gonna be high."

"No they weren't, you can't know that. You're making that up. I'm calling your bluff."

Dipper cleared his throat. "Actually... yeah, they were robbed. I've been investigating the possibility that it might've been..." At the sight of Bill's keen gaze in the rear view mirror, Dipper trailed off into mumbles.

Bill waited a second longer to ensure Dipper was properly cowed; then said, "See? You can trust me! But if you want to go to the thrift shop..."

"Ha." Stan drummed his fingers on the steering wheel; then reluctantly said, "I guess we could go to the mall—"

Mabel pumped her fists in the air. "THE MALL!"

"Yes! Finally!" Bill dragged his hands down his face in relief. "Civilization! Other people!"

"Hey!" Stan turned around to point threateningly at Bill. Bill held up his hands to block the accusatory finger. "This still isn't a social trip. Talk to anyone and we're going back to the car."

"I know, I know. I just wanna look at people. That's all!" Bill said. "You know that feeling when you come out of a couple weeks in the hole? When you're grateful just to see anybody?"

Stan's frown deepened; but he didn't say anything. He just turned around, ignored Dipper's curious look, and started driving.

Mabel and Bill high-fived.

####

As the car pulled into a parking spot, Mabel handed Bill a pair of mirrored sunglasses with one lens popped out. Bill rolled his (yellow, slitted) eye, but he switched his eyepatch over to the lensless side of the sunglasses and put them on. "Nobody'll notice my eyes. They only look inhuman at certain angles."

"We're being extra cautious," Mabel said.

"If you're gonna make me wear shades any time I'm in public, can I at least pick a pair I like while I'm here?"

Mabel said, "Sure!" at the same time Stan said, "Not a chance." Dipper looked between the two of them, and said, "I'm with Stan."

"I wasn't taking a vote." Bill leaned forward to shove Dipper's hat over his eyes, and followed Mabel out of the car before Dipper could retaliate.

Bill's grin got a little wider and his gait a little bouncier the closer they got to the mall, until he was practically skipping through the automatic doors. "Look at this place! I can't remember the last time I visited a bazaar this booming in person! Two stories, even! Wow!"

Dipper and Mabel exchanged a glance. Gravity Malls was, by far, the smallest mall either of them had ever visited. You could see from one end of it to the other in a straight shot, and the anchor store was just a more popular chain's discount outlet location. Dipper muttered, "He's trying too hard to talk up the place."

Mabel giggled. "Maybe he's easily impressed."

Bill evidently didn't care. He was too busy taking in the sight of all the stores and all the people who didn't hate his guts (or, at least, didn't know they did). He chipperly said, "Hey there!" as he wove around a haggard teenage kiosk salesman.

"Hello?" Snapping into sales mode, the kiosk kid said, "Are you interested in genuine gold-plated signet rings? We have rings with dragons, eagles, Chinese characters, American flags, football teams..."

Bill did a u-turn without slowing down. "Boy, am I! You got any secret societies?"

Stan wrapped an arm around Bill's shoulders—"No, you're not interested."—and dragged him away. He lowered his voice. "What happened to no talking to anyone?"

Bill laughed. "Sorry, I got excited!"

"Uh-huh. Get 'excited' one more time, and I'll assume you're 'forgetting' the rules on purpose and we're going home."

Bill stopped laughing. "Okay, fine." He trudged alongside Stan, sulking.

####

Stan tried to direct them toward the discount outlet store; Bill looked wistfully at Edgy On Purpose; Mabel overruled them both by grabbing Bill's hand and bodily dragging him to the coolest store in the mall: 18th Century, the place where the almost-and-barely college kids shopped, and Mabel's newest fashion avatars now that she'd had a year to explore "teenage" fashion and had gotten over it. "You can tell it's for college kids, because they also sell bedsheets and inflatable furniture," she explained as they entered, just before abandoning Bill with Stan as she ran off to start collecting clothing on Bill's behalf. Bill and Stan side-eyed each other, and Bill drifted off toward the small home goods section.

"Ooh, Dipper look." Mabel pointed at a sales rack. "Out-of-season prom dresses! Those are the fanciest dresses!" She dove in eagerly, checking the size tags.

Dipper hovered behind her, hands stuffed deep in his pockets, trying to stand far enough away that it didn't look like he was an active participant in this shopping trip but not so far away that people might start wondering why a thirteen-year-old boy was in the dress section by himself. "Are you shopping for B—for Goldie, or for yourself?"

"For Goldie, obviously! He likes having a triangular silhouette, he needs dresses!"

"Does he want dresses?"

Mabel made a vague I dunno sound. "I haven't asked him yet."

"Maybe you should?"

"It's fine, I'm going to! He can tell me when he catches up!" Mabel pulled out a sequin-studded dress that looked like it had been constructed out of fluorescent pink peacock feathers. She paused. "Okay, it's not exactly his style, but do you think he might try it on anyway?"

Dipper groaned. "Mabel, he's a guy, he's not gonna try on a dress. He wears top hats and bow ties, remember?"

"I know, but... just for fun...?"

Dipper shook his head. Mabel sighed.

Bill rounded a rack of clothing, using a curtain rod he'd claimed out of the home goods section like it was a cane. "Hey, star girl. I know we're here on a focused mission, buuut do you think we could spare a minute to try something just for fun..." He trailed off as he and Mabel simultaneously realized they were both holding a pink peacock dress. Bill's face lit up. "Where have you been all my life?"

"Shut up! How are you this cool!"

"Where's the dressing room."

They took off for the back of the store, Bill tripping over a whole clothing rack as he went.

Dipper watched them uncomfortably, decided he didn't want to follow, and picked his way to the front of the store, where Stan was leaning in the doorway with his arms crossed tightly and a sour look on his face. Dipper asked, "Does it worry you how well Mabel and Goldie..."

"Ohhh yeah."

####

Bill swung open the dressing room door. "Well? Whaddaya think?" He fanned out the feathers as best he could with his hands. 

"It's so beautiful," Mabel said.

"It's hideous," Stan said.

"It's kinda baggy around the shoulders and chest," Dipper said.

Bill shrugged. "I've got the shoulder span of a snake and the hips of a sumo wrestler, what do you expect?"

"It's okay, I can tailor anything we get," said Mabel, who had never tailored anything in her life but was sure she had a book on it in Piedmont.

"Tailor nothing," Stan said, "we're not getting this! What, are you crazy?"

Bill said, "Obviously."

Stan gestured at him. "What in the world would you wear this for?"

"Who cares? It looks cool and this body is merely a meat armature to drape coolness upon." Bill stepped back into the dressing room to eye the dress in the mirror. "Color's a little uniform, though. I'd need some accessories to break it up."

"I think you're right," Mabel said, stroking her chin. "You know what color goes best with hot pink?"

Simultaneously, she and Bill said, "Lime green," then cracked up and pointed at each other excitedly. 

Stan and Dipper exchanged a tired look.

####

"How about this one?" Bill looked at Stan and Dipper, who were standing guard while Mabel searched for more clothes. "It's obviously the best shirt in the store, but is it me?" Bill was wearing a loose Hawaiian shirt covered in bright multicolored triangles with animal skin patterns—leopard, zebra, tiger, checkers—and a pair of black jeans that fit his hips but consequently drowned his ankles. "Trick question. It's me all over!" He laughed. His laughter petered out. "It's... it's more me than I am. Wow."

Dipper and Stan didn't laugh. "I'm a Hawaiian shirt kind of man," Stan said, "but if the choice was between that thing and going naked, I'd go naked."

"Keep your nudist fantasies to yourself, Stanley." Bill studied his reflection again. "The shirt's great, but they make the pants look dull. I need something that coordinates with it. But what..."

Mabel returned while Bill was musing on his shirt. She wordlessly held out the pair of cheetah/tiger print rainbow leggings she'd been retrieving. It matched the shirt perfectly, in the sense that they both had so many colors on them that inevitably some of those colors were accidentally the same.

Bill accepted the leggings with an expression close to awe. "You're a fashion genius," he said. "Are you sure you don't want your own planet?"

"Not from you," Mabel said.

And for a moment, Bill actually almost looked hurt.

####

Bill held up several shirts thoughtfully. The first was an eye-searing abomination; the second was a retina-burning nightmare; and the third was about the same, but it was covered in smiley faces, and somehow that made it worse.

"I feel like they'd all have the right psychological effect on my enemies," Bill said, "but all three is a little redundant, isn't it?"

Not looking, Stan asked, "Is the effect you're trying to have boring your enemies to death? Because it's working."

Bill scowled. He chucked all three at Stan's face. "Fine! Stick them in the 'maybe' pile, I'll narrow them down later." By this point, the "maybe" pile in Stan's arms was almost too big for him to carry.

"My willingness to indulge Mabel is losing to my annoyance at indulging you," Stan said. "I thought this was going to be a quick trip."

"Yeah, well, I'm kinda getting into it."

"Well, would you get out of it and dress like a normal person?"

"Okay, fine. I'll try on something subtle—"

"Goldie!" Mabel ran up waving a ruby red jacket over her head. "Look what I found in the clearance bin! Glittery vinyl!"

Bill's eyes widened.

Reverently, Mabel said, "It looks like a 50's diner booth."

"Is the picture on the back a—?"

"Yeah, it's a puking kangaroo."

Bill snatched the jacket from her hands. "I'll try something subtle after this."

Stan groaned. "I'm gonna stretch my legs." He dropped the "maybe" pile on the floor. "Dipper, make sure the demon doesn't try to end the world while I'm gone."

Dipper resigned himself to the fact that this shopping trip was never going to end, and curled up on the floor to wait to die.

####

"Now, this is a keeper," Bill said, examining the summer dress in the mirror. With Stan gone, Bill had a moment of leisure to properly inspect the way the fabric moved and draped. He was using the opportunity to grab the skirt and twirl it like a three-year-old who'd never worn a dress before. "It really speaks to me."

Mabel asked, "Is it because it's covered in—?"

"It's because it's covered in yellow triangles. I know what I like!" He spun around to see how the skirt flared out, tripped and fell over—"I meant to do that!"—and heaved himself back upright with his curtain rod cane. "I'm fine, shoo." He waved off Mabel's attempt to help, and brushed off the dress. "Too bad it looks weird with pants. I'd prefer my legs covered, but dresses are the only thing most human stores carry that flatter my shape, so what're you gonna do."

"What about more leggings?" Mabel asked.

"Do they have any black ones that don't look like cheap spandex?"

"I think I saw some that look like jeans!"

"It'll do. Good thinking, star girl."

"Any time, triangle... guy." Mabel paused. "Hey... just out of curiosity—since I don't think we ever really covered this, since you're an alien and all—aaare you a guy or a girl?"

"I'm a triangle! C'mon, you already know that."

Mabel opened her mouth to protest that Bill hadn't answered her question; hesitated as she realized that maybe, in fact, he had; and instead asked, "Is a triangle more like a guy or a girl?"

Bill paused as he gave the question a moment of contemplation; and then he said, "No, not really."

Dipper, who'd been using the "maybe" clothing pile as a pillow and pretending to ignore everything Bill did, finally gave in to the urge to glance over curiously.

Mabel concluded a triangle must be either in the exact middle of the scale, or else outside of it completely. "Oh! Okay."

Bill elbowed Mabel and said, "Keep this bit between you and me," blithely ignoring the fact that Dipper was totally within earshot and now seething about being ignored in return. "But if anyone else on this planet asks, I'll usually imply I'm a 'man,'" he put the word in finger quotes, as though he wasn't wholly convinced that "men" really existed, "but—that's strictly for business."

"Business?"

"You know, work stuff," Bill said dismissively. "It makes things easier. See, for the last few millennia, most humans have taken a male's suggestions a bit more seriously than a female's, even when the entity they're talking to is an all-knowing extra-dimensional divine alien angelic muse. Crazy, right?" He said this like he was imparting some great secret he'd figured out by himself.

"Ugh, yeah," Mabel groaned. "Sexism."

"Sexism," Bill sighed, as if he had any dog in this fight at all and wasn't just pretending he could commiserate with his only local friend. "So I figure I can get things done faster as a Bill than a Jill. But honestly? Your local gender system doesn't make any more difference to me than it would to you if somebody asked how many sides you have."

Mabel considered the matter of her hypothetical sides. "I feel like I'd have seven sides."

"Oho! I stand corrected." Bill laughed. "I would've pegged you as a pentagon. I'll remember that."

Mabel had no idea what information she'd just conveyed to Bill, but she felt like he was impressed she had an answer at all.

####

"How about this one?"

"I love it. It's so mysterious," Mabel said.

Stan said, "I thought you were gonna try on something subtle?" 

"What's more subtle than camo! That's the whole point of it!"

Dipper said, "You're not wearing camo."

Bill looked down at his galaxy print tank top, galaxy print button up, galaxy print skirt, galaxy print leggings, and galaxy print sneakers. "I guess what counts as camouflage depends on the context."

"Wh—" Dipper blinked at Bill in disbelief. "In what context could this possibly qualify as camouflage?"

"Is that a trick question?"

Drily, Stan asked, "You got travel plans taking you to outer space anytime soon, pal?"

Bill's shoulders slumped.

"Now put on something you might actually wear," Stan said.

####

Bill opened the dressing room door with four sets of basic black leggings and pants, a couple shorts, and several plain tops in various shades of gold and yellow. "Okay, done."

"Not gonna model each of these for us?" Stan asked.

"Do you want me to?"

"No."

"Fine! You kids don't need to weigh in on these—they're not as fun as the other outfits you were busy unappreciating." Bill shoved the whole pile against Stan's chest, burying the "maybe" outfits he'd insisted he would narrow down. "Okay, let's go."

Stan scowled. "How many outfits did we agree to get you?"

"You didn't." Bill headed to the front of the store.

Mabel started to follow him, paused, glanced back at Stan, and said, "Maybe you can just... toss some of it back on the racks?"

"Maybe you can toss most of it," Dipper said. "How much does he really need, like two shirts and two pants?"

Mabel laughed. "Shut up, that's what you wear!"

Stan rolled his eyes, but headed to the front of the store with an armload of clothing.

The cashier smiled as Bill approached, read his "I BITE SALES PEOPLE" shirt, and quickly turned her attention to Stan. "Hi! Did you find everything you needed?"

"Yeah, and then some," he grumbled, shooting a look at Bill and Mabel. He dumped the pile of clothing on the counter with a heavy groan proportionate to the emotional weight of carrying Bill Cipher's shopping, and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Where'd I put my wallet?"

As the cashier scanned the clothes, took off the security tags, and stuffed them into bags, Stan alternated between snatching up the bags to sling them over his arms—looking grumpier with each one—and searching for his wallet. "I'm sure I put... ah-ha!" He withdrew it triumphantly. "There! I know I've got a twenty in here somewhere."

The cashier immediately stopped scanning to give Stan a perplexed look. Hopefully, she asked, "Will you be paying for the rest by card?"

"What do you mean, 'the rest'? How much could this stuff—?" Stan grabbed the price tag on one of the shirts, squinted at it, and grabbed his chest. "Holy moly! For one shirt? This is robbery!"

Mabel winced. "I guess it's a little bit pricier than the thrift shop, but it's not that bad—is it?"

"Not that bad?! For prices like this, it'd be cheaper to get a boat ticket to Taiwan and rob the sweatshop where they sew this stuff! Forget it!" He started sliding bags off his arms and tossing them back on the counter. "Keep them! We're not shopping here!"

"But Grunkle Stan!" Mabel grabbed his coat. "We just found a bunch of stuff that's perfect for Goldie! Please?"

"Do you think I care? He'd be wearing potato sacks if I had my way! We'll go to the outlet store, those are the prices he deserves."

Dipper groaned. "Do we have to do this whole thing all over again?" He and Mabel both looked pleadingly at Bill, waiting for him to protest the return of his carefully-curated wardrobe of tacky golden horrors.

Bill shrugged. "If he didn't bring enough money to the mall, there's nothing we can do about it now."

"Hey! This isn't on me! If it wasn't for you, we'd be at the Shop Thrifty right now!"

Bill scoffed. "Come on, Stanley. It's the 2010's. Even at a thrift store, how far do you think a Jackson's gonna carry you?"

"I think it'd get me a sock I could cram in your mouth, how do you like that?" Stan tossed the last bag on the counter, told the dismayed cashier, "And he looked ugly in everything he picked out, anyway," and stomped toward the door.

"I'm so sorry," Mabel said to the cashier, and hurried after Stan with Dipper. "But Grunkle Stan, we found so many nice things here! We could at least get a couple shirts or leggings..."

"Hey," Bill said. "It's okay, kid."

Mabel shut her mouth, but she didn't look happy about it.

The party trailed behind Stan past a couple of stores, before Bill sped up to walk alongside him and asked, "Well? What's our haul?"

Stan grunted. "What?"

A slow, sly grin spread across Bill's face. "Come on. You can fool the humans, but you can't fool me. What's our haul?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Bill raised a brow.

Stan only lasted a couple of seconds before he cracked a mischievous smile as well. "Oh, did you mean this haul?" He rummaged in his pockets and pulled out a pair of leggings. And then another pair. And then, from his other pocket, a Hawaiian shirt. And—

Mabel gasped. "Grunkle Stan," she hissed. "You didn't!"

"Aw, man." Dipper smacked his forehead. "So all that was an act?"

—and three pairs of socks out of his jacket sleeve, and a dress from his inner coat pocket, and— "Yeeep. I've still got it."

Mabel and Dipper exchanged an exasperated look.

"And you were gonna hit the thrift store." Bill lifted his sunglasses so Stan could see him roll his eye.

"Hey, they've usually got less security than the mall. It's a safer score."

"Cheaper, too."

"You shut up! I'd like to see you do as well."

A bright smile snapped across Bill's face. "Would you! Then get a load of this—" He showed off the front and back of one empty hand, then the other; curled one into a fist; pushed his fingers into the fist and plucked out a corner of fabric; and then, like a magician revealing a long line of scarves tied at the corners, pulled out one garment after another, shirts and skirts and pants. Mabel buried her face in her hands. Dipper looked around like he expected mall security to run up and immediately arrest them all. Bill said, "What'd we lift, almost half the stuff I picked? Neither of us managed to get the kangaroo jacket, did we."

"How did you..." Stan trailed off, jaw dropped.

Bill smugly stuffed the clothing back under his tank top. "All that, and... these." Bill lifted one foot and wiggled it, showing off the yellow foam clogs he'd changed into.

"You just walked out with those on?"

"Sure! You'd be amazed what you can do in plain sight—as long as you don't call attention to it."

"Where the heck are your sandals?"

"Not my problem." Bill gestured vaguely back toward 18th Century with his curtain rod cane. "From the lost-and-found they came, to the lost-and-found they shall return."

Stan, having had his attention called to the curtain rod cane, snatched it out of Bill's hand with a muttered "No weapons," and tossed it in a nearby trash can. Bill watched it go with an expression of miffed resignation. Stan said, "Okay, but how'd you get the security tags off all of those?"

And Bill's grin was back. "Maybe I'll show you—if you show me how you got all that clothing out of those bags into your pockets."

"I thought you were watching."

"My eye is better than my physical coordination. Give me a couple pointers and I'll give you a couple."

Stan looked doubtful. "I just saw you hide half a suitcase under a tank top. I don't think you need any more help with..."

"I'll sweeten the deal," Bill said. "I'm not really a clogs guy. You set me up to walk out with a pair of proper dress shoes, and I'll help you grab a couple rings from that booth at the door?"

Stan scowled. Bill grinned wider. "Come ooon. I know you were eyeing those rings too."

"If we get caught and you throw me under the bus, I'm dragging you down with me."

"I wouldn't dream of it! I don't think either of us can afford to show up on the police's radar, do you?"

"All right, fine. You've got yourself a deal, Cipher."

Mabel silently slid her cell phone over to Dipper so he could text Soos and Ford about this unsettling development.

####

(Thanks for reading!! As always, if you made it this far I deeply appreciate any thoughts & comments you want to share! Stay tuned next week for the unsettling development to get Even Worse.)

[astrum99]

I can’t stop thinking about angel anatomy.

How are they made? What are they made of? If we break them down limb by limb, flesh by flesh, molecule by molecule, would we find the same structures that echoes our DNA? The same stable, constraining carbon? The same heavy metals? The same blood that flows with life, with death? Are they made of the same stardust that echoed in me?

Do they have a brain? A large raw organ, fragile and limited, capable of complex imaginary hallucinatory mathematics with scheduled periods of unconsciousness to make up for the capacity? A liver and two kidneys? To distill the holy light from the contaminates of the polluting environments akin to a dialysis machine cycling the liquids within the veins? A spine that holds strong? Riddled with the same 33 bones and ridges and intervertebral disks and fluids and sensitive nerves and has a habit of bending over for tedious work? A stomach that stirs and shifts constantly? To hold food? Souls? Light? To churn and froth at the consumption of concepts? An appendix? This small unless thing that rests and nestles between the layers of warm, worm-like intestines? How many teeth do you have? How many fingers? How many knees? What is the shape of your nails? What is the colour of your esophagus? How deep are the socket of your eyes?

How fast does your heart beat?

Is it faster? Slower? Do you even have a heart?

Do you feel in the same way that I feel? The pressure of processed wood against my feet, the nagging buzzing of LED light above my head, the smell of faint smoke from a cooking disaster weeks ago. The sound of people laughing unruly in the distance, putting on a show in the TV program that no one watches. The dampness of the towel against my face. The pain of a needle sliding into soft flesh that gives way willingly to metal. The bruises blooming slowly, aching like love. The chirping of songbirds, the shape of cumulus clouds, the haziness of a morning fog that really stayed for far too long. The way that my mother worked around the hard peels of an orange with the sharpest knife in the kitchen, just to present the sweetest parts to me. The tenderness of a shoulder touching mine before stealing my blankets (again) with a giggle that indicated no remorse. The sluggish sunlight that sneaks through the shades just to press a kiss on my forearm. The sorrow and passion of the symphony on the last show on the last tour, followed by cheers and drunken (revered) confessions during the post-performance celebration at 3am in a random bar of a random city. The foot print of an animal in the first winter snow of the year, like a human pressing their hand print on to the cave walls, chanting I am here I am here I am here, chanting remember me remember me remember me.

Do you bear the shame of sacred inabilities as we humans do? Unable to see beyond the visible spectrum of light? Unable to distinguish the difference between wet and dry, only to assume based on temperature and texture? Unable to know if someone else was speaking of the truth? Unable to see inside someone’s mind? Unable to thread words in a way that completely gives you away like you intended to? Unable to turn back into a child and speak of love so easily? Unable to run forever and ever? Unable to peak into the veil beyond space and time and death? Unable to tell your pet that you’re sorry for making them take the awful medicine and please don’t hate me please don’t hate me please don’t hate me? Unable to be remembered and recognized, at least not wholly, at least not without mistakes?

Do you ever feel the strangeness of existence? Why you? Why now? Why here? That sometimes it feels like the world is five degrees to the left and you are just out of sync enough to keep going. That sometimes you are so overwhelmed with the the giant coincidence that is the world so you weep uncontrollably at the wonder of it all. That you feel like suffocation as you dig into the earth with your bloody fingers because a bird hit your window and died and you didn’t know and you kneeled by it for an hour before realizing it wasn’t breathing.

It died so long ago. It won’t get up again. The first time you held a bird was its cold hard corpse. So small between your palms, so fragile. It’s feathers iridescent. You have never seen one so up close. It was the prettiest and the deadest thing you’ve ever touched. It feels like the world. It feels like a prayer. Do you understand?

Do you regret like me? Love like me? Despair like me? Do you dream like me? Pray like me? Cry like me?

How close are you?

Let me touch you.

Please, I have to know.

[nazrigar]

Personal Halloween Character Design Challenge - Slashertown

Time to reveal what I've been doing for Halloween/Spooktober!

Basically a personal character design challenge, inspired by my Tiger vs Slasher Villain post!

The gist is that it's set in a town that's basically a magnet for various kinds of horror villain archetypes, ESPECIALLY Slashers... hence its Name.

The Leads: The main protags of the challenge/setting.

Linda Rivera - A young woman of Spanish-American descent, known equally for both her stubborness and her empathy, and a strong, strong survival instinct. She's the been the "Final Girl" for most of her life, be it as a survivor of a literal cult war when she was a kid to Prom night when she was a teen. She cosplays and paints minis for a living, and is genuinely curious about what's REALLY going on in Slashertown.

Rodney "The Ripper" Rackham. Filling in for the unstoppable masked slasher villain ala Jason and Michael Myers, Rodney was once just a humble shop student with an interest in metallurgy and blacksmithing, until one day a trip to the woods went terribly wrong. For years he was the town's most famous slasher, targeting repairshops and others indiscriminately... nowadays he's more famous for another thing -killing other slashers.

Animal Companions: Filling in for the Animal guide/voice of wisdom, ala Coraline

Peggy Thirteen is Linda's cat. A crafty and wiley critter than seems to know just about every nook and cranny in town. Unusually intelligent for a cat, and remarkably obedient when Linda says to "stay put". There's more to her than meets the eye, as shown with her smug face.

Maharaja is the town celebrity Tiger, having been the one to save Linda from a slasher known as "Henry the Hatchet" a few years ago. Unbelievably strong, and much like Peggy, seems to be far more intelligent than what a big cat should be. Linda certainly suspects something.

Cannibal Archetypes: Self explanatory

Marlowe Magritte: Filling in for the Hannibal Lecter side of the cannibal villain, with a dash of Slowik from The Menu, he's the owner of the most famous restaurant in town. His food is to die for, as certain patrons disappeared in his business, just infrequent enough that no one suspects anything. Sure, while having liver with a nice chianti is nice, what he's REALLY after are memories and experiences. THAT to him, is what makes a true experience.

Merle "The Man Ogre" Mason: The Hills have Eyes meets Leatherface, Merle was a man exposed to chemicals during the end of World War 2 and became a mutant... THEN the magics of the town turned him into a cannibalistic monster, lurking about the hills just outside of town. Suprisingly articulate despite his looks!

Lethal Ladies: Because one can never go wrong with more female slasher villains!

Heather Berry lost her mind when she couldn't be Queen of High School Land, and thus took it out on some students, before mysteriously dissapearing after a fight with eternal Final Girl Linda. Now she's back, as Haley Babbit, successful business women with great PR... but beneath the facade, is still the same bloodthirsty Heather!

Liv Malone - SHE FOLLOWS. Slowly. Very slowly. Sure, she's completely unrelenting in her need to dispatch someone, but man oh-man is she SLOW. A simple shove is usually all that's needed to stop her from following you.

Killer Clowns: And this time, they're a family!

Marco the Clown and Minnie the Mime are a brother sister team that only wants to entertain you with their (occasionally lethal) shows! Please laugh at Marco's jokes and take Minnie's Art seriously, they get uspet if you don't!

Jethro the Jester is their grandfather, and leader of the group, simply known as The Troupe. One of the most powerful entities in town, his shows and acts seem to defy physics itself, and he'll always make sure that you leave the show a new person!

Terrible Toys: Three different flavors of violent toy!

Tricky the Ragdoll - Guardian of all children in town, much like Gamera, just one that's VERY open to lethal force when he sees a kid in trouble. Is actually quite helpful to them, no strings (ha!) attatched, offering blankets, food and subtly guiding kids to reunite with their parents if they ever get lost.

Mrs. Olivia - An overpossessive ghost of a woman from the 40s stuck in a porcelain doll. She'll do ANYTHING to protect her "poppets". ANYTHING. She is awoken whenever someone cleans up her toy body.

The Immolator - The most overtly Chucky-like of the bunch, with a dash of Small Soldiers. A psychotic, misanthropic inmate that winded up possessing the toy of a 90s action figure, he'll be more than happy to murder any meatbags in his sights... so long as he has batteries. The REAL danger is that, when dormant, he can imitate ANY voice possible, subtly suggesting you to really, REALLY give him those batteries!

Oceanic Killers: Because you gotta have a Jaws reference!

Big Bertha and Finn are a Great White Shark and Dolphin duo, that work together to un-alive silly and stupid hairless apes. Big Bertha LOVES the taste of humans, and would go out of her way to find 'em, but usually it's Finn that calls the shots. Any human that bothers him or makes fun of him, either gets a taste of his rostrum, or he sends Bertha to do the dirty work.

Primeval Horrors: Because everything's better with dinosaurs!

The Great One and his Flock: Combining both Jurassic Park and Hitchcock's the Birds, the Great One is a colossal, fifteen ton Tyrannosaurus rex, and is the oldest entity in town, and by far one of the most powerful. So powerful, that no slasher dares to enter his territory (which is the Slashertown Museum of Natural History). The birds of Slashertown are his eyes and ears, agents of his will, and those that mess with 'em don't tend to live to see the next sunrise. It's also a foolish thing to lay a hand on his skeleton, as the paleontologists who worship him like a god like to remind visitors. All those that have done so, either disappear (with the only remains being bloodied claw marks) or become skeletons stripped down to the bone.

[acethetically-bway]

i think we need to spend a minute, or several, talking about the al-anon questionnaire that fiona canonically got a “perfect score” on (TWs for alcoholism/self harm):

imagine little fiona realizing frank loves alcohol more than her and her siblings for the first time and carrying that with her all the way until season 9 when she takes this test 😭 also makes me think of her giving him the ultimatum as his liver is failing and realizing that if he is gonna stop (which he’s not, but regardless), he’s not gonna do it for her. it honestly hurts more to think of the fact that she took this test years AFTER giving him that ultimatum and making that realization, meaning that she *still* deep down, at almost 30 years old, thinks he’d stop if he really loved her.

i can also just picture her heart sinking when she sticks her little kid nose just a bit too close to frank and the strong smell of booze just radiates off of him and makes her nostrils burn. also holy shit #9 (and others on this list too tbh) has me thinking about the wifeification of fiona and how she has to be the one to placate frank and walk around eggshells with him, otherwise he’ll go off the rails and hurt her (or worse, her siblings). because they’re just kids and they’ll say shit without knowing any better, and by that point it’s too late. imagine fiona coaching the others on how to act when frank’s around, telling them exactly what to avoid saying so they don’t set him off and incur his drunken wrath. her letting frank steal their money because it’s better to just give him what he wants and get him out of their hair than to challenge him (until she and her brothers are physically strong enough to fight back.)

PLEASE AGH IF FRANK WASNT AN ALCOHOLIC FIONA WOULD’VE HAD A NORMAL CHILDHOOD WITH A PRESENT AND LOVING FATHER!! she wouldn’t have had to be a mom to her siblings, she wouldn’t have to worry about money constantly bc frank would be there to hold down a stable 9-5 job, she wouldn’t have such a fucked up view of love/men in general (“i can handle men trying to fuck me, i’ve been doing it since i was nine”), and she might not have gone to jail or become an alcoholic herself. she could’ve gone off to college on a track scholarship and made something of herself. and if she had just been better at controlling frank and been good enough for him to love and stay sober for at the age of NINE then none of this bullshit would’ve happened. oh this is my final straw istg.

there’s a story behind #18 i can FEEL IT oh god it makes me wonder if she ever actually made those types of threats *to* frank or if she just kinda intrusively fantasized about it. like “if he saw me bleeding out or sick or on the brink of death, would he still choose drinking over me?” and #19 genuinely i wanna know the details, like she obviously has anger issues but confused and depressed?? perhaps a shift from one to the other over time, like as a kid her predominant state was one of confusion and then as a teenager it turned to depression and it’s now just festering as this lingering resentment and bitterness because of the walls she’s built up and how she’s so stuck in her current life. she’s so independent but also so dependent on her siblings for a purpose and even on frank, because the course of her day/week/life depends on his behaviors (if he needs their money, if he’s exploiting the younger kids, if his actions/crimes put her or her family in danger).

[lephamquynhnhu]

Panacea

Chapter 6: Latent cinders

Dan Feng x Fem!Reader

WARNINGS/ TAGS: The reader has a default name, OOC, mentioned blood, violence. (This is a work of fanfiction, events are not aligned or relevant to the original work)

Word count: 2k2

Summary: He met you on a drizzling day when hydrangea fully bloomed on its field. Amidst the sea of mild pastel petals, Dan Feng never thought the flowery domain that intertwined your fate was the precise thing withered with you. They said he was a dragon, a hero, a sinner, but never a person with love, hatred, sorrow, or joy like everyone else in this world. However, it was a demi-truth. He committed the cardinal sin because of you.

Note: Finally, I am back! My thesis defense went successfully, and I immediately returned to finish this story. Thank you to readers who still follow Panacea.

Do you like...depression?

As if the tragedy found you everywhere like hawks snipped corpses, it bore fangs into your throat til the end when another dire scene unfolded right before your very eyes. They bombarded the Devourers' base to destroy the minimum trace of their shameful project and covered the truth permanently. Although this was a predictable outcome you had already foreseen, it was unbearable to witness everything transformed into cinders. You numbly stood in the world of sorrow and ashes as your feet rooted into the ground, air frosted in your lungs.

When the last survivor of Devourers after Denizen of Abundance III thought of suicide, a weak sound crackled under the ruins, which attracted you rushing toward the source. Ignoring the tingling sensation that burnt your bare hands, you dug through opaque objects and black charcoal until Pumpkin's wet nose touched your scratched fingers. However, precarious happiness quickly dissolved into thin air like bubbles as you realized he was dying. A glass jar fell off his jaw when Pumpkin left some fragile whines to roll the inhibit serum to you. His golden fur got burnt because the flame touge fired half of the dog's body, and a ribcage bone pierced his liver. Beneath the wreckage were Pumpkin's footprints blurring on black soil, which translated that he could have run away but chose to return to retrieve the inhibited serum and got stuck.  

Your veins nearly popped out since you were compressing the sentiment. You did not want Pumpkin to see your tears, so you stayed strong til his last breath. Nevertheless, you could not hold back anymore as he licked your hand, and Pumpkin's soul left the world full of ashes. 

As if things were not even worse, Yaoqing soldiers appeared in the nick of time you were mourning over the last member's death. Your head felt empty, and all energy surged out when they handcuffed you to lead out the crumble base. Upon the shrinking display, crows started hovering around Pumpkin to knock their beaks, and some of the flock found a fine seat to feat. Members of Devourers of Abundance Abominations did not have a proper grave when they died, and neither should you. Perhaps the Yaoqing Authorities would order a butcher to execute you in private with a burial service called vultures or keep you alive to research another biological weapon of the next generation. (More talent and more preeminent.) 

A psychological voice vibrated scatter clauses snapped you out of the nullifying state: "I always dreamt of a field with bloom hydrangea." and "Please live happily from now on." 

Huang Yuan guaranteed not to divert the holy arrow toward Xianzhou, yet he did not assure of unsighted loyalty. With your now completed heart that attained human emotions, Yaoqing's action was the last straw of your tolerance, which led to the decision to become a deserter. 

The raven wings smote into the thick ambiance and soared through dark trees when they heard the wind seething. Their inky feathers took time to levitate over the monochromatic scenery and landed ground soundlessly. 

Before fleeing from your homeland, you implemented a proper burial for Pumpkin and others. Nothing existed besides ruins, crypts, and dried blood on the soil. There was no evidence of struggles. 

Yaoqing publicized your identification and declared your wanted posters across Xianzhou ships, even spreading them to their friendship planets with the crime of murdering six Cloud soldiers and desertating. Nonetheless, you cleverly stowed away on a merchant ship traverse to Talia and fabricated your papers. Thanks to the unstable regime, you could easily steal a certified ID card and then live under a camouflage named Yi Ting for years. When things settled down, and the Yaoqing assumed your death due to the short longevity of Devourers, they revoked wanted orders but deported your existence instead. 

It is hard to be in exile, yet you do not feel regrettable. Living in Zhuming for three years, learning gardening, and studying some botanical effects to suppress your symptoms, you moved to Loufu. 

Since the upheaval on that Spring night, you and Dan Feng have officially been together but in secret. Despite comprehending and being aware of your sins circumstantially, he decided to stay by his guilty lotus. As for you, it is a miracle as you can breathe even surpassing your due date long ago, yet the stone still burdens the High Elder's shoulder when your health goes downward. None of his treatments affect your state, as well as the imitated serum. In contrast, you are well informed about your limited time but accept the upcoming death and enjoy the rest days. 

Tomorrow is the tenth ceremony of winning Denizen of Abundance III, and you want to do the soul-soothing ritual for your comrades. Because you finally let old memories go and are ready to bid them a proper goodbye. At first, the Long Scion hesitates to follow your wish since the windy weather might impact your delicate status, yet opposing his beloved determination, Dan Feng gives in.

"If I sense any abnormal signs, we will return immediately." 

He places the test tube down to gently cup your face, and a familiar influx of ambergris with fresh herb flies from his sleeves; he smells like tranquility as always. A short implied hum drumming through your chest, vibrant the vocal fold as you close your eyes to lean on the comfortable heat that Dan Feng radiates off.

Maroon and scarlet added some citric flavor of lemony yellow that notifies another lustrous Autumn. Luofu's landscape endues its seasonal cloth with the mellow air of juicy grass as you and the Long Scion stroll to the town. Xianzhou natives are busy preparing their last things for the special ceremony, which even causes a more vibrant ambiance than usual days. 

You are excited to explore new aspects of Aurum Alley after days of lying in bed while Imbibitor Lunae trailing behind with a paper fan. A plain texture of ivory hue painted white lotus and writing a stanza poem by ancient letters. The embroidered crane wings seemingly move simultaneously with his actions. You find it bizarre to see him wear other accessories besides his single earring, but Dan Feng looks unexpectedly ronin. 

After the High Elder turns his heels to buy some sweets at a nearby delicacy pavilion, an outstanding story of Xiyan reaches your ears and catches your wandering mind. 

"Devourers of Abundance Abominations was an undead army that had contracted with Yaoshi in return for their pseudo immortality. The mercenary served under different lords in the cosmos and eventually betrayed them. However, their existence abruptly disappeared when those gist monsters fought for the enemy's side in Denizen of Abundance III. Some said the Reignbow Arrow wiped out..."

Enough of hearing a bunch of absurdity, so you cannot help but charge at Xiyan's collar and curse his story. Despite the excavating status, your eyes are bloodshot with murderous intention gleaming in irises, and your long-forgotten muscles progressively grow under the black gloves. Upon that quarrel, the crowd assembles due to human curiosity. 

"You mundane did not know anything about them and dared to mislead other people with your nonsense fairy tale? Devourers did not contract with the Plague Author to exchange for their blessings! They are human, and they are Xianzhou citizens! The Yao..." - This time is your voice trailing off at the forbidden name as a familiar hand stays firm on your shoulder to awaken your sanity. 

"I'm so sorry. My niece seems still under the effects of History Fictionologists and oblivious to the proper history." - The Long Scion quickly intercepts with a made-up reason to explain on behalf of you for causing the ruckus, and his protective arm wraps around you as a habit to prevent the counter gets any further. The ill-intent aura that you are giving off coils inside its cell as you mutter a decent apology quietly and then blend in. 

On the road to the Exalting Sanctum, you savor a sweet skewer Dan Feng handed over with a crestfallen face in muteness. All the joy seemingly disappeared after your encounter with Xiyan, so you two had better keep silent. 

Lining up your long-arm comrades' mementos to send off is another challenging task since touching them again meaning open the old wound. They did not leave any specific tools that belonged to them; if they had, their possessions returned to voidness. Thus, using things that remind you of them is most appropriate. Irene's Polaroid, Huang Yuan's photo, the comms device you last saw Jia Xi, and the promise you could not complete: Zi Wen's proposing ring. The nose bridge starts stingingly burning hot as you brush against the cheap metal. He must put all effort into creating his sacred vow to Irene, yet it is unsent forever.  

Your paper lantern airily ascends aloft and mixes with others, illuminating a solemn beige color that carries away people's sentiments. Watching them flow into a celestial river that flies across the cerulean sky, a glassy teardrop unknowingly rolls down your chin. Imbibitor Lunae pensively follows the glittering stream and holds your hand without diverting his gaze because he knows you do not want him to look at you. 

The sole solace you can seek from outsiders is Dan Feng's firm grip. 

Evening light is dense like a veil of maltose, pouring under the gravel path, and sometimes stones crunching under your shoes. People and inhabitants are getting loose with the new moon vaguely manifests, and the Big Dipper is over their heads. In this hour, the red velvet sun does not just glare upon realms below but also dyes maple trees into a crimson hue, shrouding you in the warm color of late Autumn. While you and Dan Feng stride back to the Faery Forest, an unexpected wind blowing through causes the scenery to quiver, and then maple leaves compete to fall. Unable to resist the poetic spectacle, your doe eyes morph from admiration to excitement as you dart forward to dance in the scarlet drizzle. When twirling around to find the High Elder, you bring along a glittering gold halo that gleams around, and he figures that his world has shrunk to your blissful smile in that momentary. However, strict wrinkles start forming as Dan Feng rushes toward you to aid your balance, indicating your free time is overdue. 

You two then take a break and watch the sunset together at a nearby wooden pavilion. The precedent breeze seems harsher than you thought because the Long Scion's disheveled hair now entangles with a red maple leaf, but he looks unbothered. You tenderly comb the long locks by hand and secretly commend its velvety between your fingers. 

"Feng, will you place a flower on my grave when I die?" - The enthralling activity may cast a spell on you as the sentence jumps out before you realize it. In contrast, a slight reprimand tone in Imbibtor Lunae's stern voice suggests that he is unwilling to engage in that topic, yet it is counter-productive since you want to press it further. An annoying feeling tingles on his visage when hearing that question twice, so Dan Feng leans forward to prevent you from the third chance to repeat. You immediately retreat behind like instinct and place both hands on his chest to stop him. 

"We are in public!" - Your hiss is no louder than a whisper as the astonishment trucked you with his boldness since the High Elder never wishes to attract crowd attention. Even if there is no one around, it is still a modicum possibility that people may catch. Nonetheless, your resistance is futile when Dan Feng's arm hugs behind to pull you closer, and his other hand opens the paper fan to make a flowery triptych, shielding your kiss from outsiders' eyes. The freshness and lightly spicy flavor of cinnamon with mellow sweetness like honey causes you to feel weak, and your heart quivers to the point of ache. 

"I won't let that happen." - You could hear the message loud and clear through his movement. Despite your lifespan getting its due day and there is no way the High Elder is capable of reversing death, you want to believe in his words. He silently puts a square box into your hand and encourages you to open it with a nervous emotion that carefully hides beneath his usual stoic face. 

A pair of earrings made from emeralds and share the same design as his. Their colors are as glassy as Autumn pond, as green as his eyes. Yesterday, Imbibitor Lunae gifted you three stocks of brocade and two meters of peach silk; today is the pledge of love. 

"You really do want to marry me?"

"Yes. Please promise you will watch maple leaves with me next year, the next ten years, and every year." 

The sound of Celest-Gold rings deafening around the restrained milieu, prevailing forthcoming footsteps. Under the dullness and stuffiness of Premilinary jail, Dan Feng finally found a clue to cure your lethal condition. That is the reason why he accepted to testify Primus Immortus. The prisoner is soon to be transferred to the Shakle jail due to the crime of Production of the Elixir of Immortality. 

[skippyv20]

Thank you 🙏🏻❤️

Dear Skippy,

I hope you and your family are all well and are enjoying the summer.

I wrote this past June asking for prayers for my mother that has to live with a stoma now and is battling liver and gallbladder cancer.

I just want to update you: she is a little better, but she has to gain weight in order to go through chemotherapy.

May I please ask you not to remove her from the prayer list?

I see that my prayer request is still there and I thank you so much for it, as they do have an effect!

Thank you for all you do. We are so very lucky that you decided to open this place. ❤️❤️❤️

Alie

Hi!  I will of course leave your mother on our Prayer List.  I appreciate you updating us on your mother.  I am so sorry she is still facing such trials.  We will keep praying.  Stay strong in faith my friend.  Power of Prayers….always.  God has put us all on this path so we can keep each other going through these hard trials we face….we are all blessed.🙏🏻❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[theink-stainedfolk]

WIP FOOD QUESTIONNAIRE

Thank you for the tag @the-golden-comet

I know his is a WIP Questionnaire but I'm really really obsessed with my new WIP, Ink Of Fate so i decided to just ask them these questions. Please follow this link for accurate details.

---

Huang Rui:

1. What is one comfort meal that'll change your whole mood for the day?

"Congee with century eggs and a touch of soy sauce. It’s simple, but it reminds me of home and my childhood. The warmth of it can soothe any stress or worry."

2. What is an experience (good or bad) that has turned you off or on to a food completely?

"When I first arrived in England, I had a dish called 'haggis.' The taste was so strong and unfamiliar that it completely turned me off from trying any other traditional English foods for a while. It took me months to try anything new."

3. If you could eliminate one piece of produce, meat, dairy, or sweets off the earth, what would it be?

"Liver. The texture and taste just don’t sit well with me."

4. Dessert is normally saved for last, but if you could, what would you order for your entrée at a restaurant?

"I’d order a delicate dish like Peking duck. It’s rich, flavorful, and feels like a true indulgence."

5. What are some food fusions that should never be mixed?

"I once tried a dessert with chocolate and fermented tofu. That combination should never have existed—it was dreadful."

6. What food spot are you gatekeeping and why?

"There’s a small tea house near the West Gate of the city that serves the most exquisite dim sum. It’s a quiet place where I can think and write, and I’d rather it stay that way."

7. Cooking is a life skill, why haven't you started learning yet!?

"I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve always been too preoccupied with my studies. I’ve been spoiled by the excellent cooks at home, but I realize I should learn someday."

8. Is there a smell that reminds you of something you never want to remember?

"The smell of burning wood reminds me of the fire that destroyed part of my childhood home. It was terrifying and left a scar on my memory."

---

Shen Yi:

1. What is one comfort meal that'll change your whole mood for the day?

"A bowl of beef noodle soup. The rich broth, tender meat, and spices are a taste of familiarity in an otherwise chaotic life."

2. What is an experience (good or bad) that has turned you off or on to a food completely?

"There was a time when I was forced to eat spoiled rice during a particularly rough period in my life. Since then, I’ve never been able to stomach the sight or smell of it."

3. If you could eliminate one piece of produce, meat, dairy, or sweets off the earth, what would it be?

"I’d remove durian. The smell alone is enough to make me avoid it entirely."

4. Dessert is normally saved for last, but if you could, what would you order for your entrée at a restaurant?*

"I’d go for something hearty, like roasted lamb with garlic and rosemary. It’s rich and satisfying, much like the things I enjoy in life."

5. What are some food fusions that should never be mixed?

"Sweet and sour pork with chocolate sauce. I tried it once on a dare; it’s a mistake that should never be repeated."

6. What food spot are you gatekeeping and why?

"There’s a small, hidden restaurant in the Shadow District that serves the best braised pork belly. It’s one of the few places where I can dine in peace without attracting unwanted attention."

7. Cooking is a life skill, why haven't you started learning yet!?

"I’ve always had others to cook for me, and frankly, I don’t have the patience to learn. I’m more interested in enjoying the results."

8. Is there a smell that reminds you of something you never want to remember?

"The scent of opium smoke brings back memories of dark alleys and deals gone wrong. It’s a smell I’d rather forget."

---

I'll tag @finickyfelix @willtheweaver @leahnardo-da-veggie @illarian-rambling @winglesswriter @paeliae-occasionally @thecomfywriter @roarintheheavens @drchenquill @wyked-ao3

[daymxre]

connect

kuroo tetsurou x reader

tw: accident & blood!

———

your husband, kuroo tetsurou got into an accident.

the moment you heard the news, your phone dropped to the floor but it didn’t crack that bad.

still, your heart shattered.

how are you supposed to stay still with the newly received news? you picked up your cracked phone, still functioning (fortunately), grabbed the car keys and headed out of the apartment you live with kuroo tetsurou.

“please.. please..” you muttered, with your shaky hands, starting the car and drive immediately to the place you were told.

“be alright..” you whispered, begging at the edge of desperation.

still driving, you did not care of the people that kept honking their cars at you for breaking the rules of being a careless driver on the road. for you, those noises were muffled to your ears and your priority right now is your husband, kuroo tersurou. at this point, you could be in fast and furious - yes, the movie.

the moment you arrived, your paces were fast, even though you hate running, you could win a marathon for running as fast as lightning. flash, perhaps? you reached the counter, didn’t want to waste a second to ask, “hi, I’m looking for a patient named kuroo tetsurou.”

“he is in the ICU, right now. are you his wife?” the receptionist said, looking at your worried figure.

“yes, I’m kuroo y/n. may I know the room, at least?”

the receptionist gave you all the information you need and you proceeded to head to the room that you have to wait outside. you have the urge to break the door open without waiting. you are kinda impatient but you didn’t want to cause trouble so you wait outside.

what felt like an hour and half, a doctor came out of the room, he noticed you and approaches you which you finally look up to see the doctor.

“you must be kuroo tetsurou’s wife?”

“yes, doctor. how is his condition?”

the doctor sighs audibly, he seems hesitate but he still needs to tell the person in front of him. “fortunately, we managed to save him,” hearing that first sentence from the doctor had you relieved at first until he continues, “he has some internal bleeding in his liver. apparently, we need more blood to keep him stable. it is due to his brain damage and blood loss. do you know anyone that has the same blood type as him?”

“I have the same blood type as him, doctor. I don’t mind giving mine as long as it means to save him,” you told the doctor, holding tears so it wouldn’t fall on your cheek. you have to be tough in this situation.

“alright, we will give you some time for you to rest and then we can proceed with drawing the blood,” the doctor informed.

some time passed, you are ready to draw your blood. you sat beside his bed, looking at all the wires connected to him. you hate seeing this sight, especially it’s him. ‘it should’ve been me,’ you thought, no expression showed on your face but deep down, you feel rage, anger, sadness, scared and more to describe.

“stay strong, my love,” you whispered, followed by a smile.

whoever did this to your husband, may death welcomed them in an unpleasing way.

“kuroo y/n, are you ready?” the doctor asked and you nodded as an answer.

kuroo’s pov

my eyes are taking a lot of time to open. white lights blinding my eyes that made me close my eyes right away. i can hear the beeping sounds of the machine, ‘yes.. I got into an accident.. at least my memory isn’t- wait- MY WIFE!’

I sat up straight at the thought of my wife, how long have I been here? is my wife alright? am I still dreaming? the sounds of my bones cracked, shit, I’m in reality.

I pinched myself and looked at the other bed that is placed beside me. that figure laying on the bed is definitely my wife. I can recognize those familiar features. what happened? why is she here? why is she not awake?

“oh- kuroo-san, you’re awake. I guess your wife still need more sleeping time,” a voice was heard as the person- doctor, came in. “your wife is alright. she just needs rest. you too, kuroo-san,” the doctor added, helping me to take off the napping mask as he knows I wanted to speak.

“I don’t understand why is she here,” I mumbled, unsure if that is loud enough for the doctor to hear.

“she gave her blood to you. it has been two days now. she fainted right after giving the blood. she woke up this morning, by the way. she said she wanted more sleep after having breakfast,” the doctor explained, a sigh of relief escaped my lips.

“I guess I’ll wait for her to wake up. I want her to see me as the first person when she wakes up,” I said and then I heard a chuckle from her.

wait- did she just-

“you’re the one who got into an accident, idiot. that should be me saying it to you,” y/n said, sitting up straight to face me.

“I thought you were asleep?” I asked, facing the doctor who gave a shrug.

“you think it was easy for me to sleep at the thought of you might actually die?!”

this time, it’s my turn to laugh lightly but painful because of the newly fresh broken bone. it didn’t have to be removed, fortunately.

the doctor joined in a second-short laugh. “you only have a broken right elbow and the back of your neck. it will take months to heal. therefore, your brain was the most complicated one. fortunately, it solved. kuroo tetsurou will be discharged in two weeks while kuroo y/n can be discharged today,” the doctor informed.

“that’s good to know. thank you, doctor,” y/n said, giving a light bow but part of me feel guilty.

“I shall give time for the two of you,” the doctor said and leaves the room.

“I’m sorry, babe. I’m going to cause you trouble because I got into an accident- I-,” my words were cut off by her shushing.

“shhhhh, I don’t want to hear apologies. it’s not your fault. I’m going to do some investigations on who did this so they would get a payback, okay? I’m going to take care of you this time. you have been taking care of me-.”

“we have been taking care of each other, y/n.”

y/n gave a smile, “yeah, right.”

“now that I know you gave your blood to me. this means we’re really meant for each other,” I said, pausing myself. “I love you, kuroo y/n. we will never separate from each other because you’re my lover, my life, my wife, my forever, we’re connected.”

“pfft how poetic of you even after this,” y/n stated, pointed out about this accident, which means, trying to tease me.

“hey! that shows how much I love you, y/n!”

y/n laughed, and continues, “‘we're like the blood in our veins. we must flow without stopping. keep your oxygen moving and your mind working.’ wasn’t that how you set the mood back in high school? well, that time, my brain only worked to do anything for you as long as it would save your life. and the fact that nekoma’s banner written as ‘connect.’”

“iconic how the blood and connect were mentioned and now your blood and my blood are connected and flowing in my veins! no metaphor intended!”

“yeah okay, I love you too, kuroo tetsurou.”

[homosexualisopod]

idk what else to say in here.

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful

sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a

terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful

prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower

for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek

Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can

do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now

Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew

your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,

back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.

Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25

pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.

You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.

Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five

shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you

got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,

go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You

boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I

love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He

can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house

fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!

Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under

arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I

say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you

talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there

with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There

was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom

with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey

wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.

Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't

mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you

definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!

Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of

my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one

here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have

free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend

would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!

I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?

-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I

like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like

that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like

that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's

amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,

you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have

in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they

won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can

I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't

how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick

together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,

what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in

the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I

don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good

night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all

alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well

James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got

you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are

You need to be euthanized I think

[jonpertwee]

Lifesaving Surgery Needed for My Child*

I know there are so many campaigns out there, each one needing urgent help, and I truly understand how overwhelming it can be. I also realize my campaign may be coming much later than it should have, and for that, I sincerely apologize. But even in the face of all these challenges, I’m holding onto hope that you might be able to assist us.

My 2.5-year-old child is battling a severe liver condition that causes sudden ruptures in his veins. This leads to him losing nearly half of his blood in just minutes—an incredibly dangerous situation that requires urgent medical intervention. Sadly, the treatments he needs are unavailable in Gaza.

We had a life-saving surgery scheduled for him on October 29 in Jerusalem, but due to the ongoing war, everything was disrupted. We’re now desperately seeking help to ensure he gets the care he so urgently needs.

This is a heartfelt plea: Could you please share our GoFundMe campaign with your followers? Even just spreading the word could make an enormous difference in helping us get closer to the treatment that could save his life.

I’ve included a picture of the scheduled surgery in Jerusalem and his medical reports that detail his condition.

I understand there are many families in need, and I deeply appreciate you taking the time to read this. Your support could mean the world to us and, most importantly, to my little one.

With warmest regards and endless gratitude, 

[GoFundMe Link](https://www.gofundme.com/f/a-childs-plea-for-life-beyond-the-rubble)

This campaign has been verified and documented by @90-ghost

Yes, of course! Don't apologize. I've shared your post before but I'll do it again. <3 Stay strong and I hope Yousef gets the care and surgery he needs fast.

[dostoyevsekyfyodor]

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing.

—-🐈 (the parasites got to me)

Why did I read this..

[fandomwe1rd0]

Wrote a songfic using the song "Wish You Were Sober" by Conan Grey!

TW FOR SLIGHT SELF HARM, DRUGGING ATTEMPT, DRUG ABUSE, AND ALOCHOL ABUSE UNDER THE CUT

This party's shit, wish we could dip, go anywhere but here.

Morty covered his ears and gritted his teeth in hopes of drowning out the awful music. He was walking around, drunk and high people bumping into him. The whole party smelled of bitter smell of alcohol and spur stench of vomit, luckily he's used to these scents due to Rick, so it wasn't that bad. His gaze eventually looked on Rick, who was laughing. He couldn't hear much due to the music, but the blonde girl next to him looked to be laughing more than she should've with her hand on Rick's arm. Then she got all in his face, making Morty desprately want to look away. But he eventually got to Rick and tugged on Rick's labcoat "Rick, can we go now?" Rick was too busy flirting with some blonde bimbo who was clearly just interested in getting him to buy stuff for her, and Rick was just interested in getting inside her pants "Wait Morty." Morty let out a long sigh "We've been here for hours! The music is so loud it's making me ears bleed! Can we just go?" Rick glared at Morty and spoke in the tone that parents use when they are frustrated with their child in public "Morty. Grandpa's a little busy right now." "But-" "I said." Rick interrupted "Grandpa's busy right now, so you have. To. Wait." Morty groaned and sat on a couch, crossing his arms with his face twisted in a scowl as he tried to avert his eyes away from Rick's gross flirting "Wow you really can't stand up for yourself, can you?" Morty looked down, trying to focus on something other than the shame he was feeling.

Don't take a hit.

The blonde bimbo gave Rick a roll of weed and Morty ran, smacking it out of the girls hand. He knew how Rick acted when he was high.He hated it.Rick pulled Morty back and gave him a piercing stare. "Morty..." He spoke in a low tone as Morty gulped "What the hell was that?" Rick asked, but it sounded more like he was demanding an answer as his voice came out more as a low growl as he said that. Morty looked the floor "I-I just..." He pushed Morty "Go back to the couch." Morty hesitated but Rick shoved him to the direction of the couch "Now." Morty scurried to the couch.Morty's inner voice spat venom "Nice going dumbass. Rick hates you even more now." Morty held back tears as he saw Rick take a hit.

(...) And please don't drink more beer.

Rick walked over to the table and got mutiple bottles of beer. Morty dashed over to him, remembering when Rick held a knife to his throat demanding to know it Morty was a simulation when drunk. The strong sink of alcohol on his breath. The way Rick's hand felt in the back of his head, sending a stinging pain through the boy. Like he completely forgot that the boy he was traumatizing was his grandson. Who was only 14. Morty couldn't stop shaking even after Rick passed out. "R-Rick...you already had a lot to drink..." Morty muttered rubbing his arm "M-maybe you should-" "Relax Mo-*burp*-rty. I got a new liver." Morty shouted "It's not about that! I don't like seeing you drink Rick!" Morty slapped a hand over his mouth, realizing what he just said. nice going, didn't sound desperate and pathetic at all..." Morty's inner voice commented, Morty could basically hear it slow clap. "Shut up!" Morty demanded in his head. He didnt even notice Ricks narrow eyes staring through him "Well too bad, grandpa is an adult and can do whatever he wants. And Mortys stay out of their Rick's way." "But Rick-" "Do you want to wait in the car?"

(...) Ima crawl out the window now, 'cause I don't like anyone around, kinda hope you're following me out, cause this is definitely not my crowd.

"Fine!" Morty spat. Storming out of the party. He gave Rick one last pitiful look, clenching his fists when he noticed Rick completely ignored him."What did you think he'd follow you out? You're so pathetic. Rick's little lapdog." Morty bit his lip so hard he tasted the mentalic tang of blood to get the voice to shut up as he went the car, hugged his knees, and cried.

(...) Trip down the road, walking you home

When Rick returned to the car, him and Morty drove back home in peace. As Morty prayed Rick couldn't notice his puffy, red eyes. "Cried over Rick like a pathetic bitch." His inner voice laughed as Morty prayed that he wouldn't cry again.When they got home, Morty helped Rick out of the car as he stumbled. Rick laughed "Awww Morty y-youre my little buddy..a-alwayz so helpful...g-grandpa lovea you baby...." Morty groaned, as he felt his face burn up, overwhelmed and flattered, not used to the quick fire praise Rick was showering him with. He then walked Rick inside."Y'know Rick doesn't mean it, right? He's drunk. He probably thinks you're Summer." Morty stepped on his foot roughly, of course his inner voice wouldn't let him have this..."Because you don't deserve it." His voice responded.

Pulling me close, beg me "stay over" but I'm over this rollercoaster.

When he walked Rick over to his bedroom and sat Rick down on the bed as he turned around and began walking away, he felt 2 arms wrap around his midsection and pull him close. He squirmed when he felt Rick nuzzle into his hair. "Rick, what are you doing?" Morty asked, trying to sound as annoyed as possible. Rick muttered against his hair "Stay...g-grandpa needs you...m-my lit-*burp*-tle buddy...." Morty groaned "I have a test tomorrow!" Rick pulled him closer "Stay..." Morty looked down "...Fine." Morty sat down next to Rick on the bed."God look at you, you'll do anything for him, won't you? You pathetic lapdog." His inner voice insulted, poison seeping through it. Mortys hand fisted in the sheets, begging to voice to stop, so tears wouldn't spill over his eyes.

(...) Honestly you always let me down, and I know we're not just hanging out.

Morty sat in the bed, and Rick looked over to him, noticing his misty eyes. "W-whats wrong?" "I don't want to tell you..." Morty commented in a shaky voice, the words falling out before he could stop it. Rick hugged Morty "Awww, c'mon d-don't be like that...grandpa's here to help...but you'd have to tell him what's wrong." Morty looked away."Hah! Now Rick knows how weak you are. He'll hate you even more now." The inner voice jeered. Rick placed a hand on Morty's shoulder and Morty sighed "You won't laugh if I tell you...right?"

"Of course he will laugh, you're being fucking pathetic, like a lost little puppy." The inner voice confirmed. Morty looked over his shoulder and Rick said "I-I wouldn't laugh at you!" Morty looked down and rubbed his arm "Well why-" just then he felt a strong weight pressing into his side and looked. It was Rick. Morty cried softly.

Nineteen but you act twenty five now.

When Rick woke up, Morty was already gone. He made his way to Morty's room "Morty, we're going on another adventure!" Morty huffed and crossed his arms "If you're going to another alien party, don't take me." Morty commanded, the word-vomit spilling from his lips before he could stop it. "Don't be stupid." Rick demanded, grabbing onto Morty's arm and dragging him out of bed. "Why do you even need for me the adventures." "Morty I told you this before, I need your brainwaves-" "You went on adventures with Summer and my dad before and you never had to worry about brainwaves!" "Morty just shut up." Morty, like the obedient sidekick he was, shut his mouth. And of course Rick went to another party "What up my glip glops?!" Rick shouted out. Morty grabbed Rick's arm and pulled Rick down, his voice a harsh whisper "You told me we weren't going to a party!" "I told you not to be stupid!" Rick whisper shouted back "Which is clearly impossible for you to do." Rick remarked before pulling away roughly from Morty.

"He's right y'know. You're a fucking idiot." Morty felt tears sting his eyes when he knew Rick was right.

Knees weak but you talk pretty fly, wow.

Rick had more than a couple drinks and had his arm wrapped around a redhead with a tight black dress. "Hey babyyyy, y'know you shouldn't be here looking so tempting." Morty felt like he was about to throw up "Rick, I told you not to talk like that in front of me!" "Well if you don't like it you can leave." Rick growled out, his voice low. "Maybe I will!" As he left he gave a backwards glance, and saw Rick turn to the girl and heard Rick say, his voice clearly trying to have a sensual tone "Now, where were we...?"

"Of course he doesn't care about you. Why would he." Morty looked down and tried to deny what the voice was saying but he knew it was true."

(...) Take me where the music ain't too loud, trade drinks but you don't even know her, save me 'til the party is over.

Morty found a quiet-ish place to sit down. The music was no longer headache inducing loud, but of course it was still loud. He was watching Rick like a hawk, waiting until Rick seemed like he would leave. He saw the same redhead Rick was flirting with slip pills in a drink, waited for it to dissolve, then handed it to Rick. Mortys heartrate quickened as he raced to Rick and hit the drink out of his hand right before Rick brought it to his lips. Rick looked daggers at Morty "What. The. Hell. Was. That." Rick interrogated. His voice filled with barely-contained rage. Morty trembled and attempted to swallow the stone in his throat "S-she put something in it...I-I wanted to help you Rick..." Rick huffed and picked up Morty by the scuff of his shirt. "You're going to wait in the car for the little stunt you pulled" "Rick wait n-" He got cut off when Rick threw him in the car and slammed the door. "This is what you get for not letting him get drugged. Wow, he's an amazing grandpa, isn't he?" His inner voice remarked sarcastically. Morty almost wished he was back at the party, so he wouldn't be alone with his inner voice. So the music could drown it out, at least a little, once again.

A few hours later Rick went back. He hugged Morty "Morttyyyyy I missed you little buddy." Rick didn't even notice Morty's wet eyes and moist cheeks. Morty nodded "Mhm..." "You had me worried...g-grandpa can't lose you...you're his be-*burp*-st friend, y'know." Morty looked down and only one thought filled his head.

Real sweet, but I wish you were sober.

[localskoomaaddict]

um yea anyway

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful

sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a

terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful

prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower

for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek

Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can

do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now

Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew

your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,

back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.

Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25

pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.

You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.

Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five

shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you

got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,

go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You

boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I

love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He

can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house

fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!

Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under

arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I

say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you

talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there

with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There

was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom

with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey

wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.

Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't

mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you

definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!

Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of

my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one

here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have

free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend

would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!

I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?

-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I

like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like

that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like

that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's

amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,

you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have

in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they

won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can

I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't

how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick

together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,

what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in

the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I

don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good

night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all

alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well

James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got

you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are

you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to

put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I

have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get

out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not

there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced

to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.

-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get

comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right

now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.

That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city

adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about

singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.

Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not

a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now

tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has

reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's

hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.

-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.

-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well

then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,

mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a

king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can

become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,

because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and

hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please

welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.

Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find

out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.

Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot

boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting

cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?

Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.

Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess

Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should

mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this

princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest

man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll

find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's

compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm

not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's

do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That

champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess

Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm

willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not

very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named

champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All

right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank

you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better

idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor

of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp

back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All

right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly

the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.

What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess

just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with

full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,

donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?

You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know

what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut

open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For

your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,

Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on

the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres

have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You

know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care

what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you

ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is

delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.

Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You

know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a

mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to

warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me

donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,

brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they

don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember

when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't

have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I

mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a

rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For

emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?

-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.

Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,

please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time

for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!

Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.

That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?

Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but

shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,

something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that

breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I

mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and

see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be

up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it

in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.

That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd

step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,

look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear

this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you

got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl

dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty

out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,

but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke

and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a

knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first

meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what

are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down

the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we

have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.

Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.

I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's

not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.

Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is

over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a

physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was

the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you

doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should

get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't

do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It

talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the

dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little

unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where

would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble

steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,

no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you

wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a

perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a

dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You

think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.

What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,

now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm

not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.

Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not

supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,

who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should

ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and

his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm

sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me

properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery

boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me

down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another

question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you

[eating-the-inedible]

Here's something someone put in the "anything else" box

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek?

[fangfuckingtastic]

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that

i'm too high for this rn

[11crowsinatrenchcoat]

My DnD characters backstory :D

For context I'm currently playing an Ealdrin bard named Ellis, and as the top line would suggest the following backstory is his own. I also made a Spotify playlist for him so here is that: https://spotify.link/aTdRgNDNtDb

If you are uncomfortable with the topics of a character being caused physical harm, please do not read this. I don't go into detail, but I know it bothers people.

Ellis was raised in the fae wild alongside other Ealdrin aristocrat children. As is expected, he was quite the little shit, but mostly just insulted other children. As he grew older, he studied architecture for a little bit, designed some pretty famous buildings for the kingdom he lived in, and then went to bard college.

After he graduated, he flew up the ranks pretty fast and through a string of encounters I didn't bother to come up with, ended up as the king's advisor. Now, the king did not like Ellis very much, purely just because they didn't mix well, but he couldn't exactly do anything about it. Unfortunately for Ellis, over the span of 20 years, he began to develop feelings for the king. And near the end of those 20 years, he truly loved the king and did everything to ensure the king's comfort.

Things did not stay mundane for long, however. One night, the king and his newly wedded wife were killed. Naturally, this brought forth a lot of panic. Due to the customs of this particular kingdom, if there was no direct heir to the throne, the royal advisor would take control. Seeing as the king had no living relatives that could take the throne, Ellis would have been the next king. This naturally brought a lot of speculation that Ellis killed the king since he always seemed to be around him and, well, this had happened before. The dead king's father had been killed by his advisor.

Ellis was promptly charged with murder with basically no evidence, and the sentence given was an exile. During his exile, Ellis wanted nothing more to explain his innocence. This became a bit of an obsession, so by the time he figured out how to summon the spirit of the dead king from a mage he had met, he was already a little bonkers.

Once the ghost of the dead king was summoned, he was immediately furious at the man be seen before him. He never saw the culprit, so he too assumed Ellis had murdered him. Ellis tried to explain, then tearfully confessed his love to the king. I couldn't tell you what drove the king to do what I am about to detail. Be it the fury he marinated in for over 50 years, thinking the innocent man before him had committed such an act, or the fury brought on by his most disliked person confessing his love to the king. Nevertheless, the king was still strong as a spirit. Strong enough to reach for a knife and stab Ellis directly in the heart.

Now Ellis wouldn't be able to tell you what happened next, most certainly because he was already dead, but I certainly can. Ellis was stabbed 8 times in the heart, 3 in the gut, and ruthlessly disembowled. Hell, by the time the mage who had given Ellis the spell to summon the king's spirit, his arm was just about gone.

Through a process too complicated to write out on a sheet of paper, the mage reconstructed Ellis' body as well as he could. Being able to salvage the heart somehow, but doing away with much of the digestive track. The damaged organs I will list are as follows: liver, stomach, left kidney (the right had to be removed) and heart. Since you do not need part of your liver, that took care of itself. The kidney was also easily repaired. The heart needed an incredibly complicated rune to keep it from stopping (though Ellis still has heart palpitations on the regular), and the stomach needed a rune of similar complexity to be able to digest nutrients without the intestines. Being unable to eat properly, he requires a feeding tube. Water and pills can be taken orally, and some pretty easy to digest foods can also be taken as such, but he mainly relies on said feeding tube to get his nutrients. Because of this he also has trained a ferret to respond to his heart issues, and it can detect whenever it's keeper needs help.

Ellis now swears to destroy the fae realms aristocratic circles, and to cause as much harm as he can doing do. He's quite well tampered to others, but his disdain for his kingdom is strong.