#liverpool queer scene

[cantinaturner]

When they took a photo of me at the club 'Out'!

[undying-love]

Datalounge comments compilation

Remember to take everything here with a grain of salt:

“Ok guys someone told me about this site and i have been loving it so far. Anyway my great uncle who lived in Liverpool told me a story some years ago. He told me that John and Paul actually were living together at some point during the sixties (John even stated it in a 70’s interview) and he is invited by a friend of his to a party that John and Paul are having at their house. He said as he walked in he saw Paul, who was walking around in nothing but a white shorts and John some feet away playing pool. He said throughout the day John and Paul is behaving like a regular couple and he is shocked since so many other ppl are there. Later in the evening as he is getting ready to leave Paul casually walks over to him and thanks him for coming and he leaves. He told me this some years after John’s death because he was sure Paul would have admitted they were a couple, well it has not happened and I don’t think he ever will. I really don’t know what to make of this story since he was the first person I ever heard claiming John and Paul to be a couple but apparently he is not the only one! ”

“Since everyone is anonymous here, I guess I can give a bit of info I got from a female friend of mine who at one time was Paul worked as one of Paul’s assistants. According to her Macca is a bisexual, who makes no secret of this when he is around his inner circle. She does not know for certain if John and Paul were involved but she suspects it since to this day whenever John’s name is brought up he acts in her words ‘like a widow’ and he also addresses John in present tense. He would say things like, ‘John thinks that the music should be like this,’ and during his bitter divorce from Heather he was saying, ‘John says that this is getting nasty.’ Kind of creepy."

“Isn't it well known that Starting Over was written about Paul? At least I heard someone in the music industry mention it, and that Paul knows it. Also, it was reported that Paul locked himself in his music studio and listened to the song repeatedly after John died.”

“I worked in the music industry briefly from 67-70 and I have seen for myself some very revealing things but I don't find it appropriate to dish it out here. One day it will be revealed, definitely not while Paul or Yoko is alive maybe soon after. I'll return here to read all the threads. The most I can say for now, is Yoko gave a very watered down version of the names the Apples' staff gave to Paul, though they also gave a very derogatory name for John as well.”

“Actually the John and Paul rumours did not only emerge in our time. As early as the middle sixties rumours were beginning to spread in the music industry about what exactly the J/P relationship was involved. My grandfather was a entertainment journalist in the 60's and he stated that people were becoming suspicious about John and Paul as early as 1964. He also said that someone had made a comment about seeing John and Paul holding hands backstage during the music Lennon and McCartney tv special, though no one believed the person at the time. According to him the Beatles' camp began to go into panic mode and even went so far as to demand John and Paul no longer sit together in interviews. So believe me this John and Paul thing is nothing new. People have been creating stories about people's 'gayness' for years.”

“This John and Paul thing is so dated. I am from Liverpool and since the 60's rumours were swirling about John and Paul possibly being 'queers.' At the time I didn't think much of it, since it was guys who fought with them as kids who were spreading the rumours and so I assumed it was jealousy that fueled the rumours.”

“My uncle was a sound engineer for Granada tv studios in 60's and actually met the Beatles because he worked on 'the Music of Lennon and McCartney' special. He actually chatted with Ringo behind the scenes briefly but didn't speak with the others. I remember him telling me years ago that he was surprised by Paul's mannerisms because as he put it, it was overly 'swishy.' He also stated that John and Paul acted very strange throughout the evening. According to him they followed each other continuously even when it was not required, as one got up so did the other, as one sat so did the other, they would finish each sentences, and they were often seen staring at each other for excruciating periods of time (his exact words) he said behind the scenes people were joking about them being a couple because they seemed so close. My uncle told me this years ago but I always summed it up to their brotherly relationship. I am now reconsidering my position.”

"The one time I was ever actually in a room with Paul, zillion people between me and him (and no way I'm gonna bother him, all of us who travel in celeb circles have people we're fans of and all of us inexplicably try to hide it to seem "cooler"), he was hitting whiskey a little hard, and apparently it makes him confessional because he started talking loudly about himself and John, and how hard it was not to have him there. (Of course I paid attention and scooted a little closer; when a Beatle speaks about a Beatle, and you've heard rumors about both of them, you want the tea.) I remember him saying something along the lines of not a day passing that John's not still in it with him, but it's not like he can pick up a phone and say, "Hey, just needed to hear your voice today," and even when he got craggy responses, he still missed them. He misses it all, and it's bothering to him that he misses him more as time goes on -- it doesn't heal, he just learns new ways to bandage the wound. Went on and on, and stopped just short of saying too much. He was waxing rhapsodic about John's hands, and finally I think the people he was with noticed interlopers paying attention, and changed the topic".

“Saw this thread and decided I should post what I have heard. I can tell you that John and Paul never hid the fact that they were together in the 60's and they were referred to as music’s 'first official same sex couple' by those in their close music circles. I found this out from my mother who was a 'go for' for a music director in the 60's. She worked behind the scenes for the 'Help!' music video. She has seen John and Paul backstage and always refers to their behaviour around each other as cute, and claims after spending a few minutes with them it was obvious they were deeply in love. She said that George and Ringo would always excuse themselves whenever John and Paul began chatting up each other.”

[gardenschedule]

Quotes about John Lennon’s sexuality

This is just a reference post for convenience, not an analysis (but I’ve added some comments here and there). This is extremely long with a lot of quotes! And where there's smoke there's fire, imo.

John's (internalized) homophobia: Starting with this topic to provide context & contrast to the rest of this post

At the party the boys’ old friend Bob Wooler, the Cavern emcee, made a crack to John about his holiday. John, who’d had plenty to drink, exploded. He leapt on Bob, and by the time he was dragged off Bob had a black eye and badly bruised ribs. I took John home as fast as I could, and Brian drove Bob to the hospital.

I was appalled that John had lashed out again. I’d thought those days were over. But John was still livid, muttering that Bob had called him a queer.

Cynthia Lennon, John

[Bob Wooler had] insinuated that me and Brian had had an affair in Spain. I was out of me mind with drink. You know, when you get down to the point where you want to drink out of all the empty glasses, that drunk. And he was saying, ‘Come on, John, tell me’ – something like that – ‘Tell me about you and Brian, we all know.’ And obviously I must have been frightened of the fag in me to get so angry. You know, when you’re twenty-one, you want to be a man, and all that. If somebody said it now, I wouldn’t give a shit.

John Lennon, John Lennon: For The Record, Peter McCabe and Robert D Schonfeld

“The Beatles’ first national coverage was me beating up Bob Wooler at Paul’s 21st party because he intimated I was homosexual. I must have had a fear that maybe I was homosexual to attack him like that and it’s very complicated reasoning. But I was very drunk and I hit him and I could have really killed somebody then. And that scared me… That was in the Daily Mirror, it was the back page…”

John Lennon, talking about a (one sided) fight he had with Cavern DJ Bob Wooler at Paul’s 21st birthday party in 1963.

Everyone in Liverpool knew that Epstein was gay, and some kid in the audience screamed, ‘John Lennon’s a fucking queer!’ And John – who never wore his glasses on stage – put his guitar down and went into the crowd, shouting, ‘Who said that?’ So this kid says, ‘I fucking did.’ John went after him and BAM, gave him the Liverpool kiss, sticking the nut on him – twice! And the kid went down in a mass of blood, snot and teeth. Then John got back on the stage. ‘Anybody else?’ he asked. Silence. ‘All right then. “Some Other Guy”.’”

Lemmy Kilmister, White Line Fever: The Biography. (2004)

“Victim in 1961 was one of the first British films to deal properly and thoughtfully with the subject. Dirk Bogarde welcomed the opportunity to play the homosexual barrister, and there were some very tense scenes between him and his wife, Sylvia Syms. In one scene, Dirk Bogarde lifts his garage door at the back of the mews to discover that someone has painted graffiti about him on the wall. The Beatles were sitting together at a Cavern lunchtime session and John Lennon, who was talking to Paul and George, was making biting remarks about Victim, which was on at the Odeon. I knew by then that Brian was what he was, and I thought, ‘Well, I am surprised at John, who is 21 and a young man of the world.’ He was making such nasty, puritanical observations, but I never said anything as they didn’t know that I was listening.”

Bob Wooler, c/o Spencer Leigh, The Best of Fellas: The Story of Bob Wooler. (2002)

If somebody is going to manage me, I want to know them inside out. He told me he was a fag.

 I like “Honky Tonk Woman” but I think Mick’s a joke, with all that fag dancing, I always did

I think its concept is revolutionary, and I hope it’s for workers and not for tarts and fags.

I don’t know about the “history”; the people who are in control and in power, and the class system and the whole bullshit bourgeoisie is exactly the same, except there is a lot of fag middle class kids with long, long hair walking around London in trendy clothes

I don’t dig that junkie fag scene he lives in; I don’t know whether he lives like that or what.

Casual homophobia in Lennon Remembers (Notable for the increase in homophobic language post-primary scream therapy, here is some interesting speculation about how these two things are related)

The violence that had been building inside John Lennon all night came bursting out the moment he left the studio. It struck so fast and unexpectedly that it stunned May Pang. She recalled that John was walking unsteadily toward the parking lot when suddenly he cast a drunken look over his shoulder at Jesse Ed Davis. Running over to him, Lennon gave Jesse Ed a passionate kiss on the mouth. Not to be outdone, Jesse Ed grabbed John and kissed him back. Lennon screamed, “F****t!” — and knocked Jesse flat on his ass.

The Lives of John Lennon by Albert Goldman (May Pang, describing an incident during the recording of Rock 'n' Roll in 1973: p.564)

It turned into a full-on fight. John was incredibly strong! He got me in some kind of a hold behind my back that I could not get out of, like a full nelson. And he started to kiss me on the mouth! He was laughin’ and kissin’ me on the mouth. I was strugglin’ to git away and I couldn’t git away. Then he stuck his tongue in my mouth. God! So I bit him. Bit him on the tongue. That pissed him off. So he grabbed the marble ashtray that we couldn’t break and banged me on the head. Knocked me cold.

The Lives of John Lennon by Albert Goldman (a direct quote from Jesse Ed Davis about a different night: p. 576-577)

Alternatively, he could be openly supportive:

Why make it sad to be gay? Doing your thing is O.K. Our bodies our own So leave us alone Go play with yourself – today.

A poem submitted for Len Richmond and Gary Noguera's Gay Liberation Handbook, on 30 May 1972

John spreading rumours: John (and Yoko) had a propensity for intentionally spreading rumours about his sexuality, with many people claiming that he found it funny. Multiple people refused to believe his own words about his experiences or willingness with men.

John told me he had had a one-night stand with Brian, on a holiday with him in Spain, when Brian had invited him out, a few days after the birth of Julian in 1963, leaving Cyn alone. I mentioned this brief holiday in the book, but not what John had alleged had taken place. Partly, I didn't really believe it, though John was daft enough to try almost anything once. John was certainly not homosexual, and this boast, or lie, would have given the wrong impression. It was also not fair on Cynthia, his then wife.

Hunter Davies, The Beatles: The Authorised Biography (updated edition, 2010)

John himself said he finally allowed Brian to make love to him “to get it out of the way.” Those who knew John well, who had known him for years, don’t believe it for a moment. John was aggressively heterosexual and had never given a hint that he was anything but.

Tony Bramwell, Magical Mystery Tours: My Life With The Beatles, 2014

John roared with laughter at the rumours that began afterwards. Typically, he encouraged the stories that he and Brian were gay lovers because he thought it was funny and John was one of the world’s great wind-up merchants. He told me afterwards in one of our frankest heart-to-hearts that Brian never seriously did proposition him. He had teased Brian about the young men he kept gazing at and the odd ones who had found their way to his room. Brian had joked to John about the women who hurled themselves at him. ‘If he’d asked me, I probably would have done anything he wanted. I was so much in awe of Brian then I’d have tried a night of vice-versa. But he never wanted me like that. Sure, I took the mickey a bit and pretended to lead him on. But we both knew we were joking.

Alistair Taylor, With The Beatles, 2003

Years later, John finally came clean about what had happened: not to anyone who’d been around at the time, but to the unshockable woman with whom he shared the last decade of his life. He said that one night during the trip, Brian had cast aside shyness and scruples and finally come on to him, but that he’d replied, “If you feel like that, go out and find a hustler.” Afterward, he had deliberately fed Pete Shotton the myth of his brief surrender, so that everyone would believe his power over Brian to be absolute.

Philip Norman, John Lennon: The Life, 2008

The next night Elliot [Mintz] took us out with a friend of his, Sal Mineo, and we all went to a gay cabaret/discotheque. John was oblivious to the gay ambience. He was curious about everyone’s sexuality and liked to gossip about who was sleeping with whom, whether they were gay or straight. John made no judgements about homosexuality but was really curious about who was and who wasn’t gay.

He knew that his appearance at a gay club might start rumors about his own sexuality, and it made him laugh. He told me that there had been rumors about him and his first manager, Brian Epstein, and that he usually didn’t deny them. He liked the fact that people could be titillated by having suspicions about his masculinity. Then I was the one who was laughing. “How could anyone believe a man who likes women as much as you do is gay?” I told him.

May Pang’s Loving John (1983).

Q. Have you ever fucked a guy?

A. Not yet, I thought I’d save it til I was 40, life begins at 40 you know, tho I never noticed it.

Q. It is trendy to be bisexual and you’re usually ‘keeping up with the Jones’, haven’t you ever… there was talk about you and PAUL…

A. Oh, I thought it was about me and Brian Epstein… anyway, I’m saving all the juice for my own version of THE REAL FAB FOUR BEATLES STORY etc.. etc..

John Lennon self interview for Andy Warhol’s Interview Magazine (November 1974).

John: Yes, all your best friends let you know what's going on. I was trying to put it 'round that I was gay, you know-- I thought that would throw them off... dancing at all the gay clubs in Los Angeles, flirting with the boys... but it never got off the ground.

Q: I think I've only heard that lately about Paul.

John: Oh, I've had him, he's no good. [Laughter]

John Lennon, interviewed by Lisa Robinson for Hit Parader: A conversation with John Lennon (December 1975).

“It’s great,” Ono laughs. “I mean, both John and I thought it was good that people think we were bisexual, or homosexual.” She laughs again.

“Uh, well, the story I was told was a very explicit story, and from that I think they didn’t have it [sex],” Ono tells me. “But they went to Spain, and when they came back, tons of reporters were asking, ‘Did you do it, did you do it?’ So he said, ‘I did it.’ Isn’t that amazing? But of course he would say that. I’m sure Brian Epstein made a move, yeah.”

And Lennon said no to Epstein?

“He just didn’t want to do it, I think.”

Yoko Ono: I Still Fear John’s Killer by Tim Teeman for the Daily Beast (13 October 2015).

Over dinner the Wenners learned the secrets of the Beatles kingdom from Ono, who would often suggest to Wenner that John Lennon was gay. “She’s always hinted that there was some gay component to John,” said Wenner, “but in a vague or generalized way, like, ‘Isn’t everybody gay?’ Or, ‘I always told John he was gay.’ ” (She also told McCartney this theory after Lennon died, which he didn’t believe.)”

Joe Hagan, Sticky Fingers: The Life and Times of Jann Wenner & Rolling Stone Magazine. (2017)

On the other hand, he supposedly hated the rumours:

Claims have been made since that Brian and John had a gay relationship. Nothing could be further from the truth. John was a hundred per cent heterosexual and, like most lads at that time, horrified by the idea of homosexuality.

It was a holiday John came to regret because it sparked off a string of rumours about his relationship with Brian. He had to put up with sly digs, winks and innuendo that he was secretly gay. It infuriated him: all he'd wanted was a break with a friend, but it was turned into so much more.

Cynthia Lennon, John, 2005

And I just went on holiday. I watched Brian picking up the boys. I like playing a bit faggy, all that. It was enjoyable, but there were big rumours in Liverpool, it was terrible. Very embarrassing. Rumors about you and Brian? Oh, fuck knows—yes, yes. I was pretty close to Brian because if somebody's going to manage me, I want to know them inside out.

John Lennon, Jann S. Wenner, Lennon Remembers, 1970

Unfortunately, certain Liverpool acquaintances (who had no way of knowing that there was a kernel of truth to their allegations) wouldn't let John hear the end of it. All in good fun, no doubt, but John was still too enamored of his macho self-image to take lightly any inference that he was anything less than 100 percent heterosexual.

The Beatles, Lennon, and me - Pete Shotton

John's comments about his sexuality:

It’s just handy to fuck your best friend. That’s what it is. And once I resolved the fact that it was a woman as well, it’s all right. We go through the trauma of life and death every day so it’s not so much of a worry about what sex we are anymore.

John Lennon, interview w/ Jonathan Cott for Rolling Stone: Yoko Ono and her sixteen-track voice. (March 18th, 1971)

I just realized that [Yoko] knew everything I knew, and more, probably, and it was coming out of a woman’s head. It just sort of bowled me over, you know? And it was like finding gold or something. To find somebody that you can go and get pissed with, and have exactly the same relationship as any mate in Liverpool you’d ever had, but also you could go to bed with him, and it could stroke your head when you felt tired, or sick, or depressed. It could also be Mother. And obviously, that’s what the male-female – you know, you could take those roles with each other.

John Lennon, interview w/ Peter McCabe and Robert D. Schonfeld c/o Peter McCabe and Robert D. Schonfeld, John Lennon: For The Record. (September 5th, 1971)

It’s a plus, it’s not a minus. The plus is that your best friend, also, can hold you without… I mean, I’m not a homosexual, or we could have had a homosexual relationship and maybe that would have satisfied it, with working with other male artists. [faltering] An artist – it’s more – it’s much better to be working with another artist of the same energy, and that’s why there’s always been Beatles or Marx Brothers or men, together. Because it’s alright for them to work together or whatever it is. It’s the same except that we sleep together, you know? I mean, not counting love and all the things on the side, just as a working relationship with her, it has all the benefits of working with another male artist and all the joint inspiration, and then we can hold hands too, right?

John Lennon, interview w/ Sandra Shevey. (Mid-June?, 1972)

I was on holiday with Brian Epstein in Spain, where the rumours went around that he and I were having a love affair. Well, it was almost a love affair, but not quite. It was never consummated. But it was a pretty intense relationship. It was my first experience with a homosexual that I was conscious was homosexual. He had admitted it to me. We had this holiday together because Cyn was pregnant, and I went to Spain and there were lots of funny stories. We used to sit in a cafe in Torremolinos looking at all the boys and I’d say, ‘Do you like that one, do you like this one?’ I was rather enjoying the experience, thinking like a writer all the time: I am experiencing this, you know.

John Lennon, Rolling Stone, 1980

I was thinking, if only I could get out of Liverpool, be famous and rich, that would be great. I’ve always wanted to be a famous artist, you know? Possibly I’d have to marry a very rich old lady… or man, you know… to… to look after me while I did my art. But then Rock & Roll came and I thought ‘Ah, this is the one’, so I didn’t have to marry anybody or live with them, you know?

John Lennon interview

There was even some discussion, albeit not very serious, of whether he should stick to his own gender. “John said ‘It would hurt you like crazy if I made it with a girl. With a guy, maybe you wouldn’t be hurt, because that’s not competition. But I can’t make it with a guy because I love women too much, and I’d have to fall in love with the guy and I don’t think I can.’”

John Lennon: The Life

I look at early pictures of meself, and I was torn between being Marlon Brando and being the sensitive poet – the Oscar Wilde part of me with the velvet, feminine side. I was always torn between the two, mainly opting for the macho side, because if you showed the other side, you were dead.

John Lennon, December 5th, 1980

“John believed in my work as an artist wasn’t accepted in part because I am a woman. He got angry when people said about me, “She’s not a woman, she’s a female impersonator.” John said to me, “If I had been gay and gotten together with a guy who was talented like you, after ten years that guy would have become famous as an artist in his own right. Maybe we should come out and say, ‘Actually, Yoko is a guy.’ Maybe that will do it!”

Yoko Ono, interview w/ Jon Wiener, c/o Jon Wiener, Come Together: John Lennon In His Time. (1984)

In this intense, intimate and revealing original cassette recording of a private conversation in 1969 between John Lennon and Yoko Ono, the couple speaks primarily about Yoko’s past relationships, her music and art, and their random views on sex, love, promiscuity, and homosexuality. […] [Lennon] adds that he had never met an attractive woman that had sexually aroused him to any great degree.

Description of the 45-minute audiotape auctioned in 2009 by Alexander Autographs.

Yoko's comments about his sexuality:

“Well, that’s another thing. John and I had a big talk about it, saying, basically, all of us must be bisexual. And we were sort of in a situation of thinking that we’re not [bisexual] because of society. So we are hiding the other side of ourselves, which is less acceptable. But I don’t have a strong sexual desire towards another woman.”

Did Lennon have sex with other men?

“I think he had a desire to, but I think he was too inhibited,” says Ono.

“No, not inhibited. He said, ‘I don’t mind if there’s an incredibly attractive guy.’ It’s very difficult: They would have to be not just physically attractive, but mentally very advanced too. And you can’t find people like that.”

So did Lennon ever have sex with men?

“No, I don’t think so,” says Ono. “The beginning of the year he was killed, he said to me, ‘I could have done it, but I can’t because I just never found somebody that was that attractive.’ Both John and I were into attractiveness—you know—beauty.”

Yoko Ono: I Still Fear John’s Killer by Tim Teeman for the Daily Beast (13 October 2015).

"As mild and oblique as the comment was [Paul's "You took your lucky break and broke it in two" line from "Too Many People"], it seemed to cut John to the heart. On top of the questionnaire inside theMcCartney album and the lawsuit, it was like the tipping point between a divorcing couple that turns love into savage, no-holds-barred hostility. Indeed, John's wounded anger was more that of an ex-spouse than ex-colleague, reinforcing a suspicion already in Yoko's mind that his feelings for Paul had been far more intense than the world at large ever guessed. From chance remarks he had made, she gathered there had even been a moment where - on the principle that bohemians should try everything - he had contemplated an affair with Paul, but had been deterred by Paul's immovable heterosexuality. Nor, apparently, was Yoko the only one to have picked up on this. Around Apple, in her hearing, Paul would sometimes be called John's princess. She had also once heard a rehearsal tape with John's voice calling out "Paul ... Paul ... " in a strangely subservient, pleading way. "I knew there was something going on there," she remembers. "From his point of view, not from Paul's. And he was so angry at Paul, I couldn't help wondering what it was really about.""

Philip Norman, John Lennon: The Life, 2008

I’m sure that if he had been a woman or something, he would have been a great threat, because there’s something definitely very strong with me, John, and Paul.

Yoko Ono, Revolution Tape, June 4th 1968

Friends & acquaintances comments on his sexuality:

I realised I was probably bisexual; there was nothing to be ashamed of in this – John Lennon had reputedly spoken to mutual friends of his own experiments.

Who I Am: A Memoir, Pete Townshend 2012

PAUL: There were lots of people asking cheeky questions, and they were always saying, “Well, why–have you ever tried homosexuality, John?” You know, they always used to ask all that kind of stuff. I remember John saying to them, “No, I’ve never met a fella I fancy enough.” And that was his kind of opinion. You know, “I may go–I may be gay one day, if some fella really turns me on.” He was–he was that open about it. But as far as I was concerned, I slept in a million hotel rooms–as we all did–slept in a million places with John, and there was never any hint of it.

December 24th, 1983: interview with DJ Roger Scott

“And you, Icke?” asked Paul. “Who’s your favourite author?” “Henry Miller. I think he’s very good,” I said. In that moment John suddenly looked over at me. Until then he had been watching Bettina, the bar lady, rinsing glasses and tidying up the bar, with his typical somewhat blasé expression. Our discussion hadn’t seemed to interest him much. Now he was looking directly into my eyes. Quietly and without taking his eyes off me, he walked around the whole counter over to me, planted a kiss on my mouth and went back to his spot. At first, I was quite surprised and didn’t know what to do about it, then I found it rather funny and thought little of it. A few days later, it happened again. I happened upon* him in the hallway behind the stage and again he took my hand and kissed me. At some point the thought occurred to me, “man, he thinks I’m gay, but I can’t help him with that.” What was really going on, I don’t know. Maybe he meant the kisses as overtures; he was even treated as a closet case by homosexuals.

Hans-Walther (Icke) Braun (a friend of the Beatles in Hamburg)

"What happened," John explained, "is that Eppy just kept on and on at me. Until one night I finally just pulled me trousers down and said to him: 'Oh, for Christ's sake, Brian, just stick it up me fucking arse then.' "And he said to me, 'Actually, John, I don't do that kind of thing. That's not what I like to do.' "'Well,' I said, 'what is it you want to do, then?' "And he said, 'I'd really just like to touch you, John.' "And so I let him toss me off." And that was that. End of story. "That's all, John?" I said. "Well, so what? What's the big fucking deal, then?" "Yeah, so fucking what! The poor bastard. He's having a fucking hard enough time anyway." This was in reference to the "butch" dockers who, on several recent occasions, had rewarded Brian's advances by beating him to a bloody pulp. "So what harm did it do, then, Pete, for fuck's sake?" John asked rhetorically. "No harm at all. The poor fucking bastard, he can't help the way he is." "No need to get so worked up," I said. "You know I don't give a shit. What's a fucking wank between friends anyway?"

Pete Shotton, Nicholas Schaffner, John Lennon: In My Life, 1983

I think he was trying to find himself a… what he’d call a soulmate. Someone who had as mad ideas as he had. I think he felt that she had the talent… but that’s debatable. But he needed that— he didn’t need a ‘mumsie’ partner at that point. He needed a mate. And I think he actually said, at some stage, in an interview that, you know— She’s the nearest thing to a man — a mate; man — that he’s ever had in a woman.

Cynthia Lennon, interviewed by Alex Belfield for BBC Radio (2006).

Paul wrote to me from the Star Club in Hamburg once, a great letter, it even had doodles on the front of it, but it was stolen. He said that in one of the clubs one night John Lennon ended up with a stunning, exotic-looking woman—only to discover on closer inspection that she was a he, which all the other Beatles found hilarious.

Sue Johnston (actress), The Mirror. (August 23rd, 2011)

Though raised amid the same homophobia as his companions, John seemed totally unshocked by St Pauli’s abundant drag scene; indeed, he often seemed actively to seek it out. ‘There was one particular club he used to like,’ Tony Sheridan remembers, ‘full of these big guys with hairy hands, deep voices—and breasts. But they used to make an effort to talk English. There was something about the place that seemed to make John feel at home.’

In John Lennon: The Life by Philip Norman (2008).

“We’d read all these things about leather and we didn’t have any leather but I had my oilskins and we had some polythene bags from somewhere. We all dressed up in them and wore them in bed. John stayed the night with us in the same bed. I don’t think anything very exciting happened and we all wondered what the fun was in being ‘kinky’. It was probably more my idea than John’s.”

Royston Ellis

In the same book Pauline speculates, sensationally, that John and her brother had a homosexual relationship. ‘I have known in my heart for many years that Stuart and John had a sexual relationship,’ she writes, though she fails to provide any firm evidence. Pauline wonders whether this ‘relationship’ was the real cause of the antagonism between Paul and Stu.

Fab, An Intimate Life of Paul McCartney

Journalist & author comments on his sexuality:

“No, he wasn’t sexually attracted to Paul. Paul was very very pretty, but he actually wasn’t someone who made gay men fancy him. John was much more likely to make a gay man like Brian Epstein because John seemed so straight, there was nothing sort of girly about John at all. But John wanted to be, in his mind, a real artist, that is someone who painted and did sculpture. And he thought that a real artist or he called it a bohemian, should be open to all experiences. He should perhaps have a homosexual experience. Who was around? Paul was around. They used to share beds you know, in these cheap hotels when they would go around with the Beatles. There was never any question of Paul ever reciprocating such a thing, it was merely a thought that according to Yoko had flitted across John’s mind. Now John could use sexuality, I mean he did somewhat play on the fact that Brian Epstein, the Beatles manager, was in love with him you know, but it was just a game really with John.”

Philip Norman interview

"Yet even [John's resentment over Paul announcing the breakup first] does not explain his later remark to Yoko that no one had ever hurt him the way Paul hurt him. It almost suggests that, deep beneath the schoolboy friendship and the complementary musical brilliance, lay some streak of homosexual adoration that John himself never realised. He might have longed to get away from Paul, but he could never quite get over him."

Philip Norman, Shout!, 1981

And any mention of Paul brought a wintry bleakness to her face. 'John always used to say,' [Yoko] told me at one point, 'that no one ever hurt him the way Paul hurt him.' The words suggested a far deeper emotional attachment between the two than the world had ever suspected---they were like those of a spurned lover---and I naturally included them in my account of my visit for the Sunday Times. After it appeared, I returned to my London flat one evening to be told by my then girlfriend, ‘Paul, phoned you.’ She said he wanted to know what Yoko had meant and that he’d seemed upset rather than angry.

Paul McCartney: The Life - Philip Norman.

“If you had a choice, Eppy,” John said, “if you could press a button and be hetero, would you do it?” Brian thought for a moment. “Strangely, no,” he said. A little later a peculiar game developed. John would point out some passing man to Brian, and Brian would explain to him what it was about the fellow that he found attractive or unattractive. “I was rather enjoying the experience,” John said, “thinking like a writer all the time: I am experiencing this.” And still later, back in their hotel suite, drunk and sleepy from the sweet Spanish wine, Brian and John undressed in silence. “It’s okay, Eppy,” John said, and lay down on his bed. Brian would have liked to have hugged him, but he was afraid. Instead, John lay there, tentative and still, and Brian fulfilled the fantasies he was so sure would bring him contentment, only to awake the next morning as hollow as before.

Peter Brown, The Love You Make, 1983

“[John and Janov] talked…about Brian Epstein…‘He knew Brian had adored him, and there was a lot of guilt there about the way he'd depended on Brian yet mistreated him,’ Janov recalls. They talked about John's notorious Spanish holiday with Brian in 1963 and the (to John) insignificant physical encounter that had resulted. The more Janov heard about Brian, the more he longed to have had him as a patient. ‘God, that was a tragic story. There was someone who needed therapy even more than John did.’”

Phillip Normans book, John Lennon: The Life.

Whilst the Beatles had always been marketed as a heterosexual group - in contrast with the Stones, whose image was androgynous - they were sympathetic to the homosexual population. Lennon himself was alleged to have had affairs with both men and women, and although he never openly admitted it to me, his condemnation of Britain as a land which feeds on a homosexual subsculture persuades me at this late stage that he was speaking from experience. I am sure that the break-up of the Beatles, or, more specifically, of John and Paul, must have been more traumatic than any of us suspect.

Sandra Shevey, The Other Side of Lennon

‘OK: John Reid said that when we were in Boston with Elton and John in 1974, he couldn’t resist asking John whether the rumours about him and Epstein were true. This was in response to John having said to John Reid, “You’re the most intimidating man I’ve met since Brian Epstein.” And so John Reid, never knowingly one to miss an opportunity, said, “Did you ever have sex with Brian?” And John said, “Twice. Once to see what it was like, and once to make sure I didn’t like it.” ‘All these years, by the way, I have not wanted to be the guy who declared, “John Lennon and Brian Epstein had sex.” You can appreciate how I feel about this. Do we want the historical record to be accurate, or does John have a right to privacy? And would it upset Cynthia [by now deceased], or Julian? I don’t mind about Yoko, she’d probably think it was a great idea. Bisexuality, wooh.’ ‘Simon Napier-Bell said that both Epstein and John told him they did it in Spain,’ I said. ‘Ah, I’m not the only one. Good,’ replied Paul.

...

But then there were John’s liaisons with David Bowie, which David himself told me about. According to him, it happened on several occasions. He didn’t go into detail, nor did I press him, but he was perfectly open about it. About Mick Jagger, too, I told Paul. ‘Huh. I feel sort of left out,’ said Paul.

Paul Gambaccini, Lesley-Ann Jones - The Search for John Lennon

"That Bowie worshipped Lennon was no secret…They'd met in Los Angeles, [Bowie] told me, during John's Lost Weekend…The crazy pair went out to play, according to David, when John was on yet another break from May [Pang] and far away from Yoko. They gender bendered about, John indulging again that 'inner fag' of his… They later 'hooked up': 'There was a whore in the middle, and it wasn't either of us,' David smirked. 'At some point in the proceedings, she left. I think it was a she. Not that we minded.' By the time they made it back to New York, the ambisextrous pair were 'lifelong friends!"

Lesley-Ann Jones - The Search for John Lennon

Marriage, Divorce & replacing Paul with Yoko:

"I used my resentment and withdrawing from Paul and the Beatles and the relationship with Paul to write 'How Do You Sleep?'

John (Source: Bill Harry, The John Lennon Encyclopedia, 2001)

JOHN: In a marriage, or a love affair – when the seven-year-itch or the twelve-year (note: there is no such thing as the twelve year itch but guess how long J&P were together) or whatever these things that you have to go through – there comes a point where the marriage collapses because they can’t face that reality, and they go seeking what they thought they should be having, still, somewhere else. I get a new girl, it’ll all be like that again; I get a new boy… But for all marriages, all couples, it’ll all be the same again. But what you lose is what you put into that… relationship.

September, 1980

There seem to be certain cycles that relationships go through. And the critical points are at different parts of the different cycles, different points on the – if there’s a straight line, there are different points, you know? And the bit, the new way of talking is like, “Well, why have a relationship? We can just stop and get another one.” But the karmic joke about that is, that any new relationship, presuming you’re lucky enough to find a new relationship anywhere near the relationship that you’re giving up – or exchanging, or walking away from, or have destroyed by inattention or inadvertent or selfishness or whatever it is – that you have to go through the same thing again anyway. You reach the same point.

John Lennon, interview w/ David Sheff for Playboy. (September, 1980)

"I'd like to thank Elton and the boys for having me on tonight. We tried to think of a number to finish off with so I can get out of here and be sick, and we thought we'd do a number of an old estranged fiancé of mine called Paul."

John, introducing "I Saw Her Standing There" at the Thanksgiving show at Madison Square Garden in 1974

You know, John loved Paul. No doubt about it. I remember once he said to me, “I’m the only person who’s allowed to say things like that about Paul. I don’t like it when other people do.” He didn’t like if other people said nasty things about Paul. And he always referred to Paul as his estranged fiancé and things like that, like he did on that [live] record ‘I Saw Her Standing There’ with Elton in Madison Square Garden.

1990: Former Beatles publicist Tony King

TRYNKA: When The Beatles split, did you feel relief? YOKO: No. I always thought, “John won’t be doing this thing with The Beatles and eventually I can do my work too.” That was my plan. But suddenly he’s saying, “I burned my bridge with them, so now it’s you, okay?” I thought, “My God, he was getting the thrill of working with three very strong individuals, and now I have to take all that brunt.” He did put it that way; he was “riding on the boat called Paul, and now I’m going to ride on a boat called Yoko.”

Yoko Ono, interview w/ Paul Trynka for MOJO. (May, 2003)

“. . . I mean, I think really what it was, really all that happened was that John fell in love. With Yoko. And so, with such a powerful alliance like that, it was difficult for him to still be seeing me. It was as if I was another girlfriend, almost. Our relationship was a strong relationship. And if he was to start a new relationship, he had to put this other one away. And I understood that. I mean, I couldn’t stand in the way of someone who’d fallen in love. You can’t say, “Who’s this?” You can’t really do that. If I was a girl, maybe I could go out and… But you know I mean in this case I just sort of said, right – I mean, I didn’t say anything, but I could see that was the way it was going to go, and that Yoko would be very sort of powerful for him. So um, we all had to get out the way.”

Paul McCartney, interview with German tv program Exclusiv, April 1985.

BARROW: She was a very strong influence on John, and may well have been telling him that he could do best on his own, but I still think that on the back of John’s mind would be this sort of fascination with wanting to get back with the first girlfriend, if you’d like [laughs], and it was to get back with Paul that he had so much history with.

Tony Barrow, The Beatles’ press officer

"[Paul] said it was written about Julian. He knew I was splitting with Cyn and leaving Julian then. He was driving to see Julian to say hello. He had been like an uncle. And he came up with 'Hey Jude.' But I always heard it as a song to me. Now I'm sounding like one of those fans reading things into it...Think about it: Yoko had just come into the picture. He is saying 'Hey, Jude' - 'Hey, John.' Subconsciously, he was saying, 'Go ahead, leave me.' On a conscious level, he didn't want me to go ahead. The angel in him was saying 'Bless you.' The Devil in him didn't like it at all, because he didn't want to lose his partner."

John (Source: Playboy, 1980)

SALEWICZ: Well, I always found it interesting the fact that he got – I mean, it seemed too much like coincidence to me, the fact that he got married a week or month after you. You know what I mean? PAUL: Yeah. I think we spurred each other into marriage. I mean, you know. They were very strong together, which left me out of the picture. So I got together with Linda and then we got strong with our own kind of thing. And I used to listen to a lot of what they said. I remember him saying to me, “You’ve got to work at marriage,” which is something I still remember as a bit of advice. I still remember that. Um… And then yeah, I think they were a little bit peeved that we got married first. Probably. In a little way, you know, just minor jealousies. And so they got married. I don’t know if that’s – I mean, who knows… [inaudible] making it up, anyway.

September, 1986 (MPL Communications, London): journalist Chris Salewicz

“If you look at interviews and stuff with John, from around about that time he was in Imagine [documentary] he kind of admits that he’s having problems with himself. So, well, the first thing you do when you’re having problems with yourself is you bitch about someone else. And the closest person was me…He had a real go at me. I personally think it was ‘cause he was trying to clear the decks for Yoko. He’s got a new love, he’s trying to say to her, “Look, baby, I love you. I hate those guys.”

Paul McCartney

"The line [the walrus was Paul] was put in partly because I was feeling guilty because I was with Yoko and I was leaving Paul. It's a very perverse way of saying to Paul: 'here, have this crumb, this illusion, this stroke - because I'm leaving.'" -John

Playboy, 1980

JOHN: And throwing in the line “the Walrus was Paul” just to confuse everybody a bit more. And because I felt slightly guilty because I’d got Yoko, and he’d got nothing, and I was gonna quit. [laughs; bleak] And so I thought ‘Walrus’ has now become [in] meaning, “I am the one.” It didn’t mean that in the song, originally. It just meant I’m the – it could have been I’m the – “I’m The Fox Terrier,” you know. I mean, it’s just a bit of poetry.

August, 1980: John talks to Playboy writer David Sheff about ‘Glass Onion’.

"I started thinking, 'Well, if that's the case [not getting back together], I had better get myself together. I just can't let John control the situation and dump us as if we're the jilted girlfriends.'"

The Beatles, Anthology, 1995

“After we’d done the One To One concert film,” recalled Steve Gebhardt, “I remember John saying to me that the days of everything being Johnandyoko – one word – were over. I was shocked.” Ono completed her record, Approximately Infinite Universe, which was greeted more positively than her previous releases. Lennon did his best to publicise it, writing a personal note to the Capitol Records boss asking him to throw the company’s weight behind it. But in mid-January 1973 Lennon and Ono quarrelled publicly at another party. “I wish I was back with Paul,” Lennon reportedly said.

Peter Doggett, You Never Give Me Your Money: The Battle for the Soul of The Beatles. (2009)

YOKO: I think that it’s like [John] was married to Paul, and now he was married to me… So it was a situation that he didn’t feel like he wanted to go back, really. John had a lot of respect for Paul, and of course, love. But I would think that if the truth may be told, the love was lost on both ways. There were times that Paul did say a lot of strange things about John, so that I know that it wasn’t like Paul loved John but John didn’t love Paul, or John actually loved Paul but Paul didn’t. I mean, it was like a very healthy situation where they outgrew each other’s company. And only until John became what he is now – which is after John’s death that people started to revere John – it became an issue for Paul. Because you have to understand that table was turned many times. One, when John made the Jesus Christ remark, and Paul became virtually a leader. And John turned the table on Paul by becoming a partner with me, probably. But then the thing is, the table was turned again by Paul becoming extremely successful with Wings. So he was doing alright, while John did Some Time in New York City with me, and then followed that with Mind Games or something, you know. 1990: Yoko

“They loved each other more than most couples do, and when they split it was more wrenching than most divorces”

Beatles publicist Tony Barrow on Lennon and McCartney

““I’m sure that in the case of Paul there’s that feeling that I’m the woman who took away his partner – it’s like a divorce.””

Yoko Ono (You Never Give Me Your Money, Peter Doggett)

“On March 12, Paul married Linda Eastman at Marylebone Register Office in London, amid scenes of hysterical grief from his female fans. None of the other Beatles was present. The news reached John as he and Yoko were driving down to visit Aunt Mimi in Poole. Yoko’s divorce decree had become final a few weeks earlier, and, in a resurgence of Beatle copycat, John told her they, too, must get married as soon as possible”

Philip Norman, John Lennon: The life

“Then also we were like married, so you got the bitterness. It’s not a woman scorned this time, it’s two men scorned — probably even worse. And I had to make way for Yoko. My relationship with John could not have remained as it was and Yoko feel secure.”

Paul McCartney, Interview by Duncan Fallowell in the Chicago Tribune, October 14th, 1984

Knowing John so well, I believe that the only reason he picked Yoko was [he wanted] a negative reaction. I mean, it was purely a negative reaction because he couldn’t take any more girls in the world, actually. I mean, he knew that he could have any girl. And the girls, that were nice-looking—he couldn’t stand them. I mean, from morning to night, there were girls not boys—actually, running after them. We used to go to his house and think that we are in peace. Suddenly a girl with a broken leg is jumping over John’s fence to, to get an autograph. It was a pain in the neck. John wanted to be with a woman. But he needed as well very, very much a friend. He needed a male friend. And my opinion is that Yoko, he managed somehow to combine both. He had a fear for pretty women running after him. Yoko was not very pretty, uh, at all, and he replaced a male in his life plus a female.

Magic Alex, All You Need Is Love – Peter Brown & Steven Gaines

Jealousy regarding Paul Mccartney: I wouldn't consider any of this especially convincing on it's own, however John's consistent dislike for and rudeness towards Paul's partners is notable

I was a very possessive and jealous guy, and the lyrics explain that pretty clearly. Not just jealous towards Yoko, but towards everything, male and female – incredibly possessive.

1970 (audio snippet approx 2:06)

In an entry noting McCartney’s marriage to Linda Eastman, Lennon crossed out “wedding” and wrote “funeral”, the Observer said.

Associated Press: Lennon’s resentment of McCartney reflected in book notes. (July 20th, 1986)

Q: I saw that thing in The Observer the other week, about the manuscript of the Apple Beatles biography and the vitriolic comments John made in the margins. I think that shows the sort of pain he was going through. Look, he was a great guy, great sense of humour and I’d do it all again. I’d go through it all again, and have him slagging me off again just because he was so great; those are all the down moments, there was much more pleasure than has really come out. I had a wonderful time, with one of the world’s most talented people. We had all that craziness, but if someone took one of your wedding photos and put ‘funeral’ on it, as he did on that manuscript, you’d tend to feel a bit sorry for the guy. I’ll tell you what, if I’d ever done that to him, he would’ve just hit the roof. But I just sat through it all like mild-mannered Clark Kent Q: When did you actually get a perspective on it? I still haven’t. It’s still inside me. John was lucky. He got all his hurt out. I’m a different sort of a personality. There’s still a lot inside me that’s trying to work it out. And that’s why it’s good to see that wedding-funeral bit, because I started to think, ‘Wait a minute, this is someone who’s going over the top. This is paranoia manifesting itself.’ And so my feeling is just like it was at the time, which is like, He’s my buddy, I don’t really want to do anything to hurt him, or his memory, or anything. I don’t want to hurt Yoko. But, at the same time, it doesn’t mean that I understand what went down.

Paul McCartney: An Innocent Man? (October, 1986)

Q: "But for a while you didn't get along with Linda." JOHN: "We all got along well with Linda." Q: "When did you first meet her?" JOHN: "The first time was after that Apple press conference in America. We were going back to the airport and she was in the car with us. I didn't think she was particularly attractive. A bit too tweedy, you know. But she sat in the car and took photographs and that was it. And the next minute she's married him."

John Lennon Interview: St. Regis Hotel, New York City 9/5/1971

One night John came in and some chick was in bed with Paul and he cut all her clothes up with a pair of scissors, and was stabbing the wardrobe. Everybody was lying in bed thinking, ‘Oh fuck, I hope he doesn’t kill me.’ [He was] a frothing mad person—he knew how to have ‘fun.’

George Harrison, c/o Derek Taylor, Fifty Years Adrift. (1984)

"One time Paul had a chick in bed and John came in and got a pair of scissors and cut all her clothes into pieces and then wrecked the wardrobe. He got like that occasionally, it was because of the pills and being up too long."

George Harrison (Source: The Beatles, Anthology, 1995)

"I remember I had a girlfriend called Celia. I must have been 16 or 17, about the same age as her...we went out one evening and for some reason John tagged along, I can't remember why it was. I think he'd thought I was going to see him, I thought I'd cancelled it and he showed up at my house. But he was a mate, and he came on a date with this Celia girl, and at the end of the date she said, 'Why did you bring that dreadful guy?' And of course I said, 'Well, he's all right really.' And I think, in many ways, I always found myself doing that. It was always, 'Well, I know he was rude; it was funny, though, wasn't it?'"

Paul, Barry Miles, Many Years From Now, 1997

I came for dinner, and I was the only girl there. John definitely didn't like that. He didn't like me being there at ALL. He was mean and sarcastic. As far as he was concerned, I had no business being invited to dinner with the four of them. For him this was an exclusive boys' club. He was purposely making me feel uneasy. At one point, the boys were handing around a scrapbook -- looking at pictures of that first tour. John made some snide comment like, "What is SHE doing here?" I got the idea that he thought Paul was an idiot to take a girl so seriously he'd actually invite her to dinner, when all he really needed to do was fuck her AFTER dinner.

Peggy Lipton, Breathing Out, 2005

Whether it was her cool confidence or her posh accent, something about Jane goaded John to direct his caustic eyes in her direction. “Well. Let’s all play a question-and-answer-game!” He announced a bit too cheerily. Then he turned to Jane. “So tell us, luv, how do girls play with themselves?” Silence. Jane’s eyes widened. Paul, sitting close to her on the floor, put his hand in the air, as if he could wave John’s words back into his mouth. “John! John!” he yelped. “Stop it. You can’t do that.” John just smiled, peering intently through his glasses. “No, you can tell us. Come on. We all want to know, come on.” Paul, looking aghast, shook his head vehemently. “John. For christsakes, John.”

Peter Ames Carlin, Paul McCartney: A Life

JOHN: So it was always the family thing, you see. If Jane [Asher] was to have a career, then that’s not going to be a cozy family, is it? All the other girls were just groupies mainly. And with Linda not only did he have a ready-made family, but she knows what he wants, obviously, and has given it to him. The complete family life. He’s in Scotland. He told me he doesn’t like English cities anymore. So that’s how it is. MCCABE: So you think with Linda he’s found what he wanted? JOHN: I guess so. I guess so. I just don’t understand… I never knew what he wanted in a woman because I never knew what I wanted. I knew I wanted something intelligent or something arty, whatever it was. But you don’t really know what you want until you find it. So anyway, I was very surprised with Linda. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d married Jane Asher, because it had been going on for a long time and they went through a whole ordinary love scene. But with Linda it was just like, boom! She was in and that was the end of it.

John Lennon, interview w/ Peter McCabe and Robert Schonfeld. (September, 1971)

Random cute things: flirting etc

I remember we were going down to the studio [...] and there was a great crowd pressing against the car. John was sitting in the back and he said, “Push Paul out first. He’s the prettiest.”

Victor Spinetti, in the documentary You Can’t Do That! The Making of ‘A Hard Day’s Night’ (1995).

We were away. The boys had relaxed. As we walked off to do the next scene, I heard them joshing each other, like schoolboys on the way to class. 'Are those jeans tight, Paul?' That was John. 'What do you mean tight?' 'I can see your suspender belt through 'em and your stockings. You've got ladders in them.'

Up Front: His Strictly Confidential Autobiography by Victor Spinetti

“I could even hear what they were saying off-mike; ‘Oh Paul, you’re so cute tonight.’ was met with the reply ‘Sod off, Lennon.’”

Joan Baez on accompanying the Beatles to their concert in Red Rocks Amphitheatre, Denver. 26 August 1964

To Lennon, [Paul] was "cute, and didn’t he know it," a born performer who was also a "thruster" and an "operator" behind the scenes.

Christopher Sandford, Paul McCartney, 2005

In a late wee-hour-of-the-morning talk, he once told me, ‘I’m just like everybody else Harry, I fell for Paul’s looks.”

Harry Nilsson speaking about John Lennon

HARRY: Someone told me a few minutes ago they saw John walking on the street [once] wearing a sign saying – a button, rather, saying ‘I Love Paul’. And this girl who told me that said she asked him, “Why are you wearing the button that says ‘I Love Paul’?” He said, “Because I love Paul.” [laughs]

February 17th, 1984: Harry Nilsson

PAUL: It’s like, uh, “We have to get back.” “We’re on our way home.” JOHN: Yeah. PAUL: There’s a story. There’s another one – ‘Don’t Let Me Down’. “Oh darling, I’ll never let you down.” Like we’re doing— JOHN: Yeah. It’s like you and me are lovers. PAUL: [reserved] Yeah. [pause] JOHN: We’ll just have to camp it up for those two. PAUL: Yeah. Well, I’ll be wearing my skirt for the show, anyway.

Get Back sessions

PAUL: Okay, “two of us riding nowhere” that’s as if…we’re like…two, but then “we’re on our way home”  JOHN: It’s like we’re like a couple of queens. PAUL: Yeah. Well, you know. Well, I mean, that’s…  JOHN: We’re a couple of queens… PAUL: That’s just too bad. Unless you want to get Paul and Paula in. Poetic license, John. JOHN: You’re telling me, Paul.

Get Back sessions

[jesncin]

Re: the whole Si Spurrier Bi/Pan Johnstantine debacle thing

For context, Spurrier (the writer of the current Hellblazer run) explicitly had John self identify as pansexual in narration despite John being canonically bisexual. The cover of the issue (I believe this was the artist's intention, but can't confirm) also evoked the bi flag colors in its colorscheme. When asked about this on twidder, Spurrier doubled down (paraphrasing: "John shouldn't have any queer label, he's bad representation"), deleted tweets, and just left fans in a mess.

My tldr take: John Constantine is bisexual. Spurrier didn't and doesn't know the difference between bi and pan, mixed them up and spouted respectability nonsense to cover himself. He's an old man who doesn't fyuck with gay people, simply. I don't think he has deep seated hatred for the bi community or anything. He made a mistake (still a bad one) and didn't apologize for it. Shame this is the author spearheading such a prominent queer character.

The long take:

I see a lot of people bringing up modern media that reaffirms John's bisexuality but I believe it's important to look at the historical context.

John Constantine in his original Vertigo Hellblazer run was an inherently counter-culture character. A working class guy growing up in the punk scene, aligning himself with queer people, explicitly ACAB, a rebuttal to the classic Superhero tropes, etc. It's only fitting that Constantine's bisexuality was revealed in a similarly counter-culture manner. Under guest writer John Smith (and artist Sean Phillips and colorist Tom Zuiko), John just casually mentions having "the odd boyfriend" in passing narration about his struggles with commitment. This may not seem like a big deal with today's standards, but it's important to recognize that this issue came out in 1992. Hellblazer already had a handful of queer characters at this point and suddenly after years of queer coding, the main character just reveals his bisexuality in passing.

So that's the historical context in our comics world, how about within the canon of Hellblazer? Well, John was born in 1953 in Liverpool, meaning he was a teen in the 60s, formed and toured with Mucous Membrane all over the UK but mostly London during the 70s (as a young man in his 20s). When we cross reference that with what's going on in the UK queer scene at this time, it's no wonder why John is presumed to be bisexual.

[From Stonewall UK]

In the same article, Stonewall mentions that the term "pansexual" became popular in the 90s. While this aligns with when issue #51 reveals Constantine's "odd boyfriend" comment, it's clear that the term "bisexual" would be the term Constantine grew up with during his formative years. While this distinction might seem unnecessary or even arbitrary to some people, these identities do matter in their nuance and historical context. Identities and histories are not interchangeable after all. With all this context in mind, to me, John Constantine will always be bisexual.

To Spurrier's comment on "John Constantine shouldn't have any label anyway, he's bad representation/role model for any identity" (paraphrasing, I know he probably said this in a defensive moment since if he truly believed this then he wouldn't have explicitly had Constantine refer to himself as pansexual in Dead in America #7), I think using respectability in defense of a character as counter-culture as Constantine is a demonstrable example of Missing The Dang Point.

[from Nerdist article written by Jules Greene]

Spurrier, the gays like John Constantine especially in his og Hellblazer run because he wasn't a walking Pride ad. We like that he's a mess. We like that he's working class. We like that he's messed up and painfully human. If you don't understand that about Constantine, then you fundamentally misunderstand why people find him so appealing to begin with.

[moreofthatdrowse]

JO Survey: What's a favorite JO moment of yours? Could be very small or something big

There were too many good answers in the questions with open answers in my Joker Out Survey, so below the cut are the answers to Question no. 14: What's a favorite JO moment of yours? Could be very small or something big

When bojan exists but also when they sung the boys are back from HSM in an interview in all the languages

Nace & Bojan completing my heart hands thing at a concert :) (& Nace showing the heart on his bass in my direction )

sparklative, the turtle interview, every interaction between jan and nace (it's hard to pick a favourite)

It's so hard to choose! Aside from repeating what I said before, I'll say I love them doing stuff with pride flags during concerts, and them hanging out together during Novi Val. Also them just wearing each others clothes. And the whole thing with Because of You during Eurovision. And Bojan singing Cha Cha Cha. And Tavastia. And Kris during the Katrina video whirling around his jacket. Ok I can't choose and I can go on forever.

When Nace started talking about his turtles

kris being a hater 🫶

how dare you make me pick one smh i guess the performance of novi val in Glasgow with the pride flag i dotn get emotional about artists raising pride flags in general even tho im queer but that specific moment in a CHURCH with THAT song made me sob

I can't choose so I've got 3: 1. WHY THIS HAS BEEN SO HAS BIVEN SPARKLY?! SPARKLING?! SPARKLATIVE?!?!?! 2. the interview where they talk about Nace's turtles ("shiiiit, they don't like to be pet!") 3. every time Bojan and Kris banter with each other 😭 and I saw this irl too when I was at their concert in London and Kris wouldn't stop playing his guitar whilst Bojan was trying to tune his

I've really enjoyed watching the behind the scenes video series' from Eurovision and the tour.

It's a tie between (i) pretty much any interview they've ever done and (ii) the Cvetličarna concert (didn't attend but have watched the footage)

Them comforting Käärijä together after his loss

Bojan's thighs lol

I really like drunk Kris at Barcelona preparty screaming "OH, SSF!" and dancing like the tall tree he is 🤣❤️‍🔥

Their joy in eurovision

"Sparklative"

The moment that Jan signed my jacket

Jan and Nace interacting on stage

Idk i love all the behind the scenes videos?

Them all singing together (see carpe diem series ep 7 amsterdam :D)

The backstage series

The Electric Ballroom gig in London & their reaction when Slovenia entered the grand final at ESC

Jan and Nace playing kazoos in the UK tour ep 2

You expect me to chose?? /j

Every Novi val performance.

anything Jan and Nace get up to tbh

Every moment in that "joker out being bros for 5 min straight" video or wtv or was called. Need friendships like that fr

don't know if it's my favorite moment per se but i do love how they all immeadiately fell in love with jere (käärijä), especially bojan ofc <3

Why has been so sparkling? ✨

Bojan draped in a pride flag in an old church while singing novi val. Top 3 moments to cry about at 3am tbh

The performance of Novi Val in Križanke. Also, this is not a JO moment as such, but a clip where Bojan imitates a german kid telling his mom he wants to jump on the trampoline(?) I'm sorry, but man's funny as fuck, I think about that clip often.

I haven't seen them live yet, so all the best moments are yet to come :)

All of them cuddles

I don’t knoww Maček in a box

kris tilting his head back, eurovision in my city, SEEING THEIR TOUR BUS IN LIVERPOOL WJEN ME AND MY FRIEND WERE OUT IN THE CITY CENTER THE DAY AFTER WE SAW THEM @ MANCHESTER

I don't know yet - there's so many moments! So many smiles and like laying their heads on each others shoulders during concerts and looking out for each other. <3

I liked how promptly they got rid of gregor on a serious level and also on a happy level when they qualified to the Eurovision final

cvetličarna

Bojan and Kaarija’s bromance

I don't know to many options

Love how often TURTOL is brought up. Nace would be proud <3

QUESTIONS 1-11 I QUESTION 12 I QUESTION 13 I QUESTION 14

[mydaroga]

The first time we ever heard about gayness was when a poet named Royston Ellis arrived in Liverpool with his book Jiving With Gyp. He was a Beat poet. Well, well! Phew! You didn't meet them in Liverpool. And it was all 'Break me in easy, break me in easy ...' It was all shagging sailors, I think. We had a laugh with that line. John became quite friendly with Royston. One thing he told us was that one in every four men is homosexual. So we looked at the group! One in every four! It literally meant one of us is gay. Oh, fucking hell, it's not me, is it? We had a lot of soul-searching to do over that little one.

We'd heard that Brian was queer, as we would have called him, nobody used the word 'gay' then. 'He's a queer.' 'Yes. He's all right, though.' We didn't hold that against him. We didn't really know much about it, there were certain people around but they tended to be the slightly older guys on the scene from what we knew. There wasn't much talk amongst us and our friends about anything like that.

Paul McCartney, Many Years From Now

[tillthereweretangents]

The Hours and Times

We watched The Hours and the Times, and we don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum, but we hated this movie.

The movie starts in black and white, with what can only be described as “sad olden times music”. It was a full 4 minutes of cheesy music and aerial street scenes before we saw a character. If we didn’t know any better, we would have thought it was from the silent film era…except those movies are done better. 

The actor playing Epstein really looked nothing like him, though his voice was pretty good. John’s actor looked a bit more the part, though he hardly showed any expression on his face during the whole movie.

It was pretentious and artsy for the sake of it, which didn’t do anything for the movie. And by artsy we mean everything from pacing and scripting, to the music choice (when they bothered to include music), to the choice of black and white. 

The acting was bad, the directing was bad, and the script was probably worst of all. 

The opening scene, on the plane over to Barcelona, has a significant section where John is off-screen. It’s not well constructed, and doesn’t feel like we’re focused on Brian’s face for any good reason. It just feels like John’s been cut out accidentally. This happens multiple times: John is in the scene, and speaking, but off-screen for no obvious reason, and it was clearly a voice over. There were times when John was on screen, and his lips moved but there was no audible dialog, and others where the ADR (overdubbing) was comically bad (like bad enough to rival Help!). Not to mention John would never wear his glasses around a girl he was trying to impress, or on a commercial flight at all. 

The conversations were stilted and weird. They didn’t help us understand what the characters had previously discussed, how they felt about one another, or what they wanted. The best one in the film was between John and Cyn (on the phone). Cyn’s voice actor was great, but she was working with some terrible material. The conversation was stilted and not in a “we can glimpse the cracks in their relationship way” in a “the screenwriter hasn’t finished writing this” way.

One thing we really don’t understand is how everyone says it ends on such a sad note. As far as we can tell the film ends with them being a proper couple. They are in bed together, and then back in Liverpool with Brian telling John to promise him he’ll never leave him. That seems very much like a real couple to us. Then suddenly back in Barcelona. Is the sad note the fact that they talk about meeting there in (their future) 1973?

Though in true 90s fashion they don’t make the queer commitment explicit or unambiguous, but it seems kind of obvious all the same.

Side characters:

The gay bar weirdo - terrible Spanish accent, in fact it was more a terrible British accent than anything, unclear why John invited him back to their room, his behaviour was so inconsistent between the bar and the room we were briefly unsure it was the same guy.

The hotel employee - very uncomfortable scene with Brian

The air hostess - best character in the whole movie, potentially a great friend for a confused gay guy to have, very good dancer

The film didn’t once depict Brian and John discussing the types of men Brian was attracted to, it didn’t bring up the conversation about songwriting credit (in fact the other Beatles may as well not have existed) and it didn’t mention Bad To Me, which John finished writing on that holiday and played for Brian one afternoon. And those are the three things we know did happen on that trip. 

The second to last scene was on the roof of NEMS. It felt like it was either a very badly-signaled flash back (or forward?) or it was accidentally inserted at the wrong place in the movie.

If you love this movie, first of all apologies 😬, but please tell us what makes you love it. We’re not promising we’ll watch it again, but we do want to know what you see in it.

Be honest, is it just the (incredibly awkward) bathtub kiss?

[deeisace]

I had intended Bellamy to be a murder mystery - Sophie's fast friend Andrew Burke having been murdered, and Sophie himself attacked, along with several other patrons of The Blue Dun, in a sort of cover-up for the murder, which was because Andrew stumbled on some dangerous business-y secret working at The Exchange, and have it be covered up by his being queer, cs The Blue Dun is a queer bar of my own invention (tho the street it stands on is a true one, less so now than in 1896)

I just don't think I can stomach writing such a thing, even could I tie it all up in a neat bow, it's too sad

I can't fathom what else I might make the story, and I've never been a wizard at actually finishing - anything at all, really

I've written mostly little scenes of Bellamy and Charlie, really, and had a bash at the beginning plot, but I don't know how to bring it round, nor if I want to - but what else could I do with it? It would otherwise be Bellamy running around Liverpool healing various characters an sundry, and no overarching plot to speak of

What I've got so far, is

Bellamy gets a head wound falling in shock at discovering that man who hanged hisself from the iron bridge in Sevvy Park, and develops idk inner ear balance and dizziness problems - I did look this up, once upon a time - which is treated by the doctor, who offers Bellamy a live-in job after his previous secretary and apprentice (or whathaveyou) basically run away together to begin their own practice, and then Bellamy begins helping him with patients an such, and then starts being called on to help with people who can't afford for various reasons to go to a proper doctor - like Sophie, a friend who Charlie takes in after she was attacked in the street - and from there we find out about Andrew, and The Blue Dun, and how the police aren't bothering to do fuck all, and blah blah blah murder mystery stuff - Andrew's killed to keep the dodgy business dealings secret, and it's blamed on his being queer, basically, tho I'm not certain as to who did it or ordered it or whathaveyou

Side characters not mentioned include,

Annie, the doctor's maid, Collins, the cabbie, Frank, the Bluey's barman, Harriet who's Charlie's cousin and also a hatter,

I'm sure there's others I'm forgetting. Hm.

It's very little if not a murder mystery, tho I spose I could focus more on the medical-y bits, Bellamy building connections through the city an such, tho there's still no ending to that either

[ljmu-history-of-art]

Congratulations to final-year BA History of Art and Museum Studies student, Eve Blunsden, who has curated an exhibition this week at LJMU. Eve's exhibition is entitled 'Tales of Yester-Queer: A Retrospective Exhibition of the LGBTQIA+ Clubbing Scene in Liverpool 1980s and 1990s'. Eve has collaborated with collectors who amassed music albums and memorabilia from this period in Liverpool, and has created a wonderful examination of the impact of music and dance from this important time in the region's culture. The exhibition is on show in the Public Exhibition Space at the John Lennon Building until 4th March, and is part of Eve's assessed final Major Project. On the course, we believe in enabling students to undertake real-world practical projects, such as this. The staff are delighted to see what Eve has achieved. 🎉 #historyofart @ljmuarts (at John Lennon Art and Design Building) https://www.instagram.com/p/CpTOPjaoKnu/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[mangedog]

The Only Blak Queer in the World

I was the Only Blak Queer in the world. I had many difficulties. I didn’t know how to tell my family. I hadn’t seen Steven Oliver can’t even on Black Comedy yet, we hadn’t watched it together over dinner. TV didn’t save me. I hadn’t seen Electric Fields perform in a sweaty old meat market with a group of friends who had similar feelings. I hadn’t heard Zaachariaha’s deadly voice singing ‘Nina’. I hadn’t yet read Lisa Bellear. And cried sitting on the carpet in the library over sharply written work that spoke to me and my experience. I started a blog. I got many comments. People were always asking me what it was like to be Blak and Queer. I hadn’t yet started thinking about gender as a colonial construct. Or examined my ideas of masculinity and femininity.

I hadn’t yet realised that my relationship was interracial. I started another blog. Thoughts about interracial queer relationships featured. I hadn’t got a crush on Kayemtee yet and listened to her track that samples Cold Chisel: will your cruel attitude last forever? I wondered if my parents would ever accept my future partners, if I’d ever have the chance to legalise my relationship, have children, ask for more, not for less. Some nights were really lonely and I created Cathy Freeman as a lesbian and Prince as an Aboriginal. I got trolled, deleted my social media accounts and the only known evidence of Blak Queer existence was destroyed. I hadn’t yet seen the doco on Uncle Jack Charles and met Blak Queer Elders who knew of a previous time Australians had to vote on the rights of a group of people. These Elders knew what it was like to hear their rights discussed by people outside of their group. I hadn’t yet worn my flag singlet tucked inside my Calvins as a gammin fashion statement. I hadn’t yet been to Mardi Gras. I saw the white gays and the white gaze I was used to and then I saw Blak Queers everywhere and every conversation was an insight into a Blak Queer past, the street becoming a site of multi-time, the past-present beat, the future love, and forty years of Blak Queer pride spread into more than sixty thousand years of we-have-always-been-here.

My dance joined a big dance. I saw a Wiradjuri/Yorta Yorta lesbian couple who had been marching since the beginning, who chanted, ‘Stop Police Attacks! On Gays, Women and Blacks!’ in 1978 and they told me off for knowing fuck-all. Every chant is a line of a continuing poem and I am learning the words. I saw the flag sparkle, I saw gays from everywhere from Moree to Perth, I saw a Blak Captain Cook, Malcolm Cole, in 1988, the year of the first Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander float, that float should have been the first float that year, but mob didn’t open the parade until 2005, when Aunty Karen Cook and Aunty Lily Shearer walked out each with a coolamon of curling leaves, smoking the parade. The small leaf fire was started on the corner of Liverpool and Elizabeth Streets and in parade time, it never stopped. I thought properly about what it meant to be marching on stolen land. And that Roger McKay in 1982, when he carried the flag in the march, made the point that the Sydney gays’ golden mile was the unceded land of the people of the Eora nation. It was our modes of community and belonging white queers craved, and this influenced how they made their ‘scenes’. I woke up on a mattress in a queer share house with a text from the other Blak Queer asking to go on a date. I consumed Blak Queer art, and I created it.

I saw Paakantyi/Barkindji artist Raymond Zada’s work at the Art Gallery of South Australia and cried. I felt the heavy loss for all of the ones killed, murdered, missing. For the erasure of Blak Queers in every capital, small city and town in Australia. And I told myself I was lucky to have stayed alive and counted the times I thought I would die. I began to know the stories of more and more and more Blak Queers who had died. I knew them as Ancestors. I read Natalie Harkin’s, Yvette Holt’s, Nayuka Gorrie’s and Alison Whittaker’s writing online and in bookstores. I saw love for Blak Queers everywhere. Outside the city the sky sent me hints, the walks on Country along the river kept me safe. I saw the colours of my own heart, and they were not the colours of isolation and fear.

- From Throat (2020), by Ellen van Neerven (they/them), a nonbinary Mununjali Yugambeh writer.

[stylesnews]

The extravagant wardrobes of the old English middle classes are a far-flung fantasy for Steven Stokey-Daley. Still, it’s the codes of this very clothing that the Liverpool-born designer, who just graduated from University of Westminster’s Fashion (BA), explores and queers. Think crocheted boating hats, linen shirts that resemble tablecloths and billowing wide-legged trousers in corduroys and floral patterns. They seem tailor-made for an even more queer take on James Ivory’s gay love story, Maurice. Harry Styles, it seems, loves them too.

Steven has spent the past seven months of locked-down life working on his eponymous young brand, S.S.DALEY. Things were going well for him, items on his webstore sold out -- and then Harry Styles appeared on the cover of his new single “Golden”, clothesless, save for a rain hat and a pair of Steven’s ‘Sebastian’ trousers. Things, subsequently, went mental.

This week has seen the video for the song drop too. In it, courtesy of the fine curatorial eye of stylist Harry Lambert, Harry S wears pretty much one big, sexy, loose-fitting sartorial piece for the duration of the video: an S.S.DALEY ‘Hall’ Tennant shirt.

These pieces are lifted from his AW20 graduate collection “The Inalienable Right”, which explores homosociality, portrayals of public school boys, and all of the frivolity that entails. Just when you think that designs that feel effusively British are a shallow well that has been drained dry, here is Steven Stokey-Daley: a lad twisting those references into something that pays homage to pretty while still scrutinising and reinventing its roots.

Here, just hours after the world came to know his name, i-D spoke to Steven about his time at University of Westminster, launching his eponymous brand and what it’s like to work with the sexiest pop star on the planet.

You graduated from the University of Westminster's BA Fashion course this year. What did you spend that time exploring, thematically and design wise? I spent most of my time at Westminster experimenting with design. Making the most of fashion education is about being hands on, trying everything and not limiting yourself too soon. I had the pleasure of being taught by the wonderful Stephanie Cooper (now teaches at Central Saint Martins) who taught me everything I know about volume and silhouette. Over the years, I have explored class in the UK and how it's reflected in fashion. Coming from an ex-council estate in Liverpool and being gay, I didn’t truly resonate with the codes of dress I was surrounded by, so when I came to study in Harrow (Westminster campus) and see first-hand the merchant ivory realm of reality; I was completely enraptured. I studied theatre for years and I’m a member of the National Youth Theatre so there was something theatrical about seeing Eton regatta traditionalism for the first time; it was almost Brechtian in its alienation. This space I was enamoured by wasn’t meant for me and I think that’s what feels radical about it.

You’ve interned at Tom Ford and Alexander McQueen, as well as at fashion publications. Yet you came out of university and launched an eponymous brand. What did the experience of working under others teach you? I learned so much working for big brands; some brilliant experiences that helped hone my key skills. I feel like a traveller in that regard, picking up different things from different work experiences. McQueen menswear was a true delight and an experience I’ll value forever; I learned so much there that has allowed me to do what I’m doing now. I worked for publications, and I told everyone I knew they should do the same thing in order to understand the flipside of how the industry works. Working under people, respecting the chain of command from big brands to smaller ones also provided me with examples of how (and how not) to treat people you expect to work with successfully. When creating my AW20 collection, I had the most wonderful group of interns and found that creating a respectful and enjoyable work environment ensured the best team results. Thankfully, I think the 90s ‘killer fashion’ days are phasing out -- but there’s still some way to go!

What were the limitations for you, in terms of setting up your brand, and who did you turn to to help overcome them? Setting up my own brand sort of happened really naturally and organically. When Louis Rubi posted a photo in my AW20 floral trousers, I had so many requests for orders. This was the peak of lockdown and things felt bleak, but I decided to, one by one, try and fulfil the requests with the help of my boyfriend Leo who was locked down with me. (He never wants to see fabric scissors or sewing needles ever again). It progressed from there! Sarah Mower was a constant source of support during lockdown too. She really made it possible for me to actually consider making this a reality -- she does an awful lot to support students behind the scenes.

Your work leans towards the traditionalist and sartorial. Were you hoping to find something radical within that space? The traditionalist and sartorial references feel radical because they aren’t meant for me with my background. I also think there are micro-radicalisms within my approach to design, applying details of typically working class pieces (A Gannex coat, for example) to sartorial outerwear cut in a tattersall check, subverting the functionality of the elite codes of dress.

At what point did Harry Lambert reach out to you about Harry Styles? Was there a brief for this project in particular? Harry Lambert (a genius) is a huge supporter of students and small brands, and he did a call out for students via Instagram stories for an editorial. I hadn’t met him before but still I sent him my lookbook. He replied saying that it wasn’t right for the shoot, but he had something else coming up that it could work for: “a project with Harry Styles”. I couldn’t believe it. Both Harry Lambert and Harry Styles have been incredible in supporting my work.

Half a million people watched your work as the “Golden” video debuted on YouTube. Two days later it has 20 million views. Can you describe how that feels? Seeing the view count of the video, knowing that for the majority of it he is wearing the S.S.DALEY ‘Hall’ shirt the whole way through is just phenomenal. It’s utterly surreal.

[hlupdate]

The extravagant wardrobes of the old English middle classes are a far-flung fantasy for Steven Stokey-Daley. Still, it’s the codes of this very clothing that the Liverpool-born designer, who just graduated from University of Westminster’s Fashion (BA), explores and queers. Think crocheted boating hats, linen shirts that resemble tablecloths and billowing wide-legged trousers in corduroys and floral patterns. They seem tailor-made for an even more queer take on James Ivory’s gay love story, Maurice. Harry Styles, it seems, loves them too.

Steven has spent the past seven months of locked-down life working on his eponymous young brand, S.S.DALEY. Things were going well for him, items on his webstore sold out -- and then Harry Styles appeared on the cover of his new single “Golden”, clothesless, save for a rain hat and a pair of Steven’s ‘Sebastian’ trousers. Things, subsequently, went mental.

This week has seen the video for the song drop too. In it, courtesy of the fine curatorial eye of stylist Harry Lambert, Harry S wears pretty much one big, sexy, loose-fitting sartorial piece for the duration of the video: an S.S.DALEY ‘Hall’ Tennant shirt.

These pieces are lifted from his AW20 graduate collection “The Inalienable Right”, which explores homosociality, portrayals of public school boys, and all of the frivolity that entails. Just when you think that designs that feel effusively British are a shallow well that has been drained dry, here is Steven Stokey-Daley: a lad twisting those references into something that pays homage to pretty while still scrutinising and reinventing its roots.

Here, just hours after the world came to know his name, i-D spoke to Steven about his time at University of Westminster, launching his eponymous brand and what it’s like to work with the sexiest pop star on the planet.

You graduated from the University of Westminster's BA Fashion course this year. What did you spend that time exploring, thematically and design wise? I spent most of my time at Westminster experimenting with design. Making the most of fashion education is about being hands on, trying everything and not limiting yourself too soon. I had the pleasure of being taught by the wonderful Stephanie Cooper (now teaches at Central Saint Martins) who taught me everything I know about volume and silhouette. Over the years, I have explored class in the UK and how it's reflected in fashion. Coming from an ex-council estate in Liverpool and being gay, I didn’t truly resonate with the codes of dress I was surrounded by, so when I came to study in Harrow (Westminster campus) and see first-hand the merchant ivory realm of reality; I was completely enraptured. I studied theatre for years and I’m a member of the National Youth Theatre so there was something theatrical about seeing Eton regatta traditionalism for the first time; it was almost Brechtian in its alienation. This space I was enamoured by wasn’t meant for me and I think that’s what feels radical about it.

You’ve interned at Tom Ford and Alexander McQueen, as well as at fashion publications. Yet you came out of university and launched an eponymous brand. What did the experience of working under others teach you? I learned so much working for big brands; some brilliant experiences that helped hone my key skills. I feel like a traveller in that regard, picking up different things from different work experiences. McQueen menswear was a true delight and an experience I’ll value forever; I learned so much there that has allowed me to do what I’m doing now. I worked for publications, and I told everyone I knew they should do the same thing in order to understand the flipside of how the industry works. Working under people, respecting the chain of command from big brands to smaller ones also provided me with examples of how (and how not) to treat people you expect to work with successfully. When creating my AW20 collection, I had the most wonderful group of interns and found that creating a respectful and enjoyable work environment ensured the best team results. Thankfully, I think the 90s ‘killer fashion’ days are phasing out -- but there’s still some way to go!

What were the limitations for you, in terms of setting up your brand, and who did you turn to to help overcome them? Setting up my own brand sort of happened really naturally and organically. When Louis Rubi posted a photo in my AW20 floral trousers, I had so many requests for orders. This was the peak of lockdown and things felt bleak, but I decided to, one by one, try and fulfil the requests with the help of my boyfriend Leo who was locked down with me. (He never wants to see fabric scissors or sewing needles ever again). It progressed from there! Sarah Mower was a constant source of support during lockdown too. She really made it possible for me to actually consider making this a reality -- she does an awful lot to support students behind the scenes.

Your work leans towards the traditionalist and sartorial. Were you hoping to find something radical within that space? The traditionalist and sartorial references feel radical because they aren’t meant for me with my background. I also think there are micro-radicalisms within my approach to design, applying details of typically working class pieces (A Gannex coat, for example) to sartorial outerwear cut in a tattersall check, subverting the functionality of the elite codes of dress.

At what point did Harry Lambert reach out to you about Harry Styles? Was there a brief for this project in particular? Harry Lambert (a genius) is a huge supporter of students and small brands, and he did a call out for students via Instagram stories for an editorial. I hadn’t met him before but still I sent him my lookbook. He replied saying that it wasn’t right for the shoot, but he had something else coming up that it could work for: “a project with Harry Styles”. I couldn’t believe it. Both Harry Lambert and Harry Styles have been incredible in supporting my work.

Half a million people watched your work as the “Golden” video debuted on YouTube. Two days later it has 20 million views. Can you describe how that feels? Seeing the view count of the video, knowing that for the majority of it he is wearing the S.S.DALEY ‘Hall’ shirt the whole way through is just phenomenal. It’s utterly surreal.

You can buy your own ‘Hall’ shirt and see more of S.S.DALEY’s work here

[eppysboys]

Paul + Royston Ellis + The Poem

Break me in Easy

Easy, easy, break me in easy. Sure I'm big time, cock-sure and brash, but easy, easy, break me in easy. Sure they've been others, I know the way... (Royston Ellis, From Rave published by Scorpion Press, May 1960) 

-

“I suppose I read these at the session attended by John Lennon (and Bill Harry) in the audience at Liverpool University. However, the poem I read backed by the Beetles was called "Break me in Easy" and Paul [McCartney] remembers it to this day (he quoted it to me when we met by chance in a bar in Paris in 2006).”  (Royston Ellis) -

“When I met Paul [McCartney] in the bar at Le Bristol in Paris in 2006, after a few minutes of conversation, he - without any prompting from me - quoted the poem to me, but suggested it was better if it began: “Easy, easy squeeze me in easy.”

It was pretty impressive to hear Paul remembering one of my poems 46 years after we performed it together at the Jacaranda in Liverpool!” (Royston Ellis)

-

“However, I did meet Paul again by chance at Le Bristol Hotel in Paris in 2006 and he immediately recalled the poem I had performed with them and even recited the opening lines: "Easy, easy, break me in easy." He also recalled then that I had told him in 1960 that statistically one in five people were gay and he wondered which one of the Beatles and their associates was the "fifth man."

(Royston Ellis)

-

“Paul worried it was about “shagging sailors” while attempting to find the right guitar notes to set it off.

Ellis’s bisexuality was an eye-opener for the Beatles, as he remembers: “There was an expression, ‘Do you still love me?,’ and I think I must have said it to John because all the eyebrows went up ‘What?!’ And I gave them a lecture about the Soho scene and said they shouldn’t worry, because one in four men were queer although they mightn’t know it.” The remark bit deep. As Paul says, “We looked at each other and wondered which one it was. ‘It must be one of us, because there’s four of us…Oh fucking hell, it’s not me, is it?’”

Mark Lewisohn, “1960”, The Beatles - All These Years: Tune In

[contemporarythoughts]

Andy Warhol And His Twelve Faces

 Tate unleashes your inner…man during the ongoing Andy Warhol exhibition

Available to see : 12th of March - 15th of November 2020 at Tate Modern

by KLAUDIA KONDRACIUK | 25 OCT 20

The exhibition complements two already existing related events, Andy Warhol Inspired Dining destined for those who wish to enlengthen the experience and stay for… diner, enjoying dishes inspired by the exhibition as well as  Members Hours: Andy Warhol, designed for people who value their alone-time spend with the artwork free of the other visitors.  Three of them build the full experience of bringing back the memory of Andy Warhol at Tate Modern, the core being today’s topic.

The tittle of the exhibition corresponds with the organisation of the works within the place. Showcasing a lifetime of cultural identity, seen as both an artist and a man, with the latter being predominate, Andy Warhol is humanised in each of the 12 rooms situated at Tate Liverpool. As it is written at Tate Liverpool website of the exhibition: “[..] It draws attention to Warhol’s personal story and how his view of the world shaped his art” (Tate, 2020) and this is truthful to the reality.

Key of the display is the context of a contemporary art maker with the emphasis on personal drives and individual experiences that shape the artistry with theme of art mimicking life.

 The rooms are reminiscent to use a form of a narrative, looking back to polyphonic novel, featuring variety of different voices and points of view. Every room unwraps a different chapter of the artist’s biography, narrating the life and artistry of Andrew Warhola in the times of social and cultural shifts, seen at different stages. They provide context of looking at him as a human of change, artist of many genres, political activist, lover, son, American, victim of a shooting, consequently moulding more philosophical, stoic art, achieving the reception of the viewer to be constantly challenged, bombarded by a different image of an individual over and over again.  Seeing Warhol in 12 rooms makes an even more generalised division by grouping his life in three stages based on: cultural shift from a Czech ghetto to a new continent, queer identity and existentialism.

 Every space creates a moment, achieved by a rather intimate space, in order to meditate over the displayed objects. It shows a dialogue between inclusivity of the public display with an homage to similar spirit of Pop, being a fully realised theme within the exhibition and darkened spaces (see room 6) which arranges a sense of confidentiality. This contrast provides additional dynamic of Room 2, which establishes the relationship of Warhol with his models and the viewers, subconsciously desiring for the same connection.

 Execution of Room 2 copies this concept more literally, almost verbally, dedicating to the film Sleep. Made in 22 close-up clips during the spring and autumn of 1963 it examines influence of an oneiric element on the conscious. What function does it have? By showing someone’s act of sleep, something that intimate, the curators of the exhibition deliver quite the awakening. There is fear, desire and uncertainty brought from the world of dreams and implemented into the art. This is what droves an individual to make art. Linking this piece to draw upon those specific to human nature features suggests an everyday man point of view. Self-discovery through love unleash his inner artist even more and connect viewers with the nature of the exhibition, relating to one’s catharsis. At the end of a day, who is not inspired by the ones they love? Human act of creation is seldom dependent on this feeling, having its destructing and creative powers.

Male gaze is also noticeable within the numbers of the early drawings from the 1950s of the men he knew and desired, such as Charles Lisanby, a production designer, whom the artists travelled the world with and work Torso (1977).

The first, lack of predator toxicity, consequently achieving a feeling of curious self-discovery trough lenses of sexuality, emphasising on the interest of establishing queer identity. The later piece was described in the exhibition brochure, available in pdf format to gain additional insight of understating the context more : “This work is based on a Polaroid photograph of the actor and filmmaker Bobby Houston standing on his head. Warhol transforms the intimacy of the original image into a painting, which appears to reference ancient Roman sculpture and erotic photographs. Warhol referred to his paintings depicting male nudes as his ‘landscapes”.

By the use of linearity and synthesis together with care of detail (drawings), Warhol reveals his personal connection with the models within early drawings. Even though the forms are simplified,

the man differ from each other, carrying individualised physical qualities, allowing the viewer to even distinguish some personality traits, such as attachment, feeling of  insecurity or pride. Whereas Torso (1977) is an ode to men’s body, reminiscent to Michelangelo’s fascination over what perfection human body is and what potential does it have in the surrounding him world. By the lack of characteristics, the depiction does not objectify man, but celebrates aesthetics of beauty in a Renaissance way.

It is a similar take to what the artist offers in Sleep, where the poet, John Giorno is glorified for his physical beauty, looking back at technique of foreshortening in Andrea Mantegna’s Lamentation of Christ. Both characters are static, however the connotations cannot be more unrelated. Having said that, they relay on analogy of putting the model on a pedestal, what gives an additional layer of analysis to Sleep, sacralising the idea of love. The viewer is meant to make analogies during this exhibition experiment, examining the same context from a different time perspective to notice nuances characteristic to where in his life Warhol is, which leads to a reflection of one’s personal growth.

Selection of different techniques, acrylic paint with screen-print on canvas and a simplified line show the need of experiment within the same subject matter. It allows to experience multidimensionality of different approach to the queer fascination, preventing the project to be realised as featureless.

  Art of two different stages in his life, the period of cultural referencing capturing a sense of youth and post-shooting trauma, both still visually stimulating, but in different ways. Rooms 1-6 add a narrative of a world seen trough lenses of an excited and curious artist on the American scene of 1950s-1960s. Making art in the times of forbidden gay love, horror of AIDS, invading the continent since 1960s, loud political manifestations on the streets and racism was not creating a hospitable environment for self-expression. It is still a war, one after another, except for this time, people fight with the system among their country to defeat social constructs. The queer circle composed of poets, dancers, literates, designers and artists united to take a part in rewriting history. Ironically, some of them, including Warhol, became icons, faces of LGBTQ+ America, similarly recognisable to the ones, examined trough lenses of consumerism and social concept of a cult trough the technique of printmaking. This reasoning leads the audience to the room of Pop.  Warhol being a prolific illustrator, but constantly driven to challenge himself, turns to advertising imaginary.  The artist builds this pop, graphic version of himself, using personal experience to influence his career. Remembering struggles of his family’s emigrant background and poverty, he adapts the memory of eating a provisory version of a soup made of ketchup and salt to revolutionary idea of consumerist art, selling a dream of economic and social progress (Tate, 2020) Faced with criticism, Pop art, had its perfect justification to emerge at this moment in history, just after the time of Utility scheme, providing context for Warhol’s work. Romanticising of liberal accessibility of goods and art for the mass consumer. Although his pop oeuvre shows all of these signs, it also foreshadows  a part of him being dominated by the idea of death, which will evoke in pieces like Skulls (1976), Sixty Last Suppers (1986) and Richard Avedon’s photography of Andy Warhol (1969). This pessimistic school of thought was developed because of the incident of the 3rd of June 1968, the writer Valerie Solanas came to the Factory and shot Warhol, damaging his internal organs. Warhol was rushed to hospital and was declared clinically dead, but doctors managed to revive him. (Tate, 2020) The last example takes inspiration form the world of classical art, Leonardo da Vinci, his family kitchen, where the copy was hung and reacts to death of his former lover, Jon Gould. It is a bridge between old and young, the yin and yang perspective on art yet dominated by foreground decadency. Sixty Last Suppers could be seen as a moving portrayal of endless loss, reminiscent of ‘columbarium’, the wall graves found in many cemeteries. (Tate, 2020) Printmaking and copies are very telling in this context. Just like the blurring image of the last copy of Marilyn Monroe, both the image of the 12 apostles and the actress, die becoming a caricature for the sake of the masses.

It is comparable with the recent phenomenon of the aesthetic of a French Girl , (Vogue 2020) generalising and romanticising the visuals of a young woman living in Paris, including a nonchalant look and  making it easier to mimic by non-French masses to copy. In result, both of these examples are one nation centred, protecting one’s social appearance such as the idea to fit in. They are both delusional and almost mythical, playing a role in constructing a disappointing in reality expectation such as The American or French Dream. Curation of this piece, just like Pop art uses the tool of nostalgia, taking the viewer back to their adolescence to draw upon positive emotions often associated with one’s years of youth. Warhol dreams five times throughout the exhibition in Sleep, Self-Portrait, Pop period (Campbell’s Soup Cans, 1962), depicting Debbie Harry (1980), who daydreamed that Marilyn Monroe was her real mother and Silver clouds (1966). The not yet mentioned Paintings that float (Tate,2020) reveal the artist need for the audience to engage with his work.

Unconventional sculptures were made to interact with the viewer, bringing the association of waking dream, which could be arranged any way the audience like, becoming the masters of their sleep.

In the context of the exhibition, the chosen pieces help to realise Warhol as a man with secondary look at the artwork itself made for the art’s sake.

The exhibition is based around diversities of 12 rooms, adapting a book narrative, each room represents a chapter in Warhol’s biography and 3 perspectives, which are created by the viewer itself reacting to the way of display, grouping artworks based on the feeling of similarity. The viewer connects the dots, concluding that some pieces even though coming from different rooms, show a level of likeness, although the artworks come from different time periods. For example, audience might reject the chronological order of the works or rooms, because the final result will not be affected.

Instead of disorganising, this natural need of making relation between elements helps to understand that a person (Warhol) is not closing one chapter of their life irreversibly, but the doubt and fear might occur even at the final stage of someone’s life and happiness could be found beyond traumatic experience. Therefore, the exhibition is not quite autonomous, but proves that is well placed since Constellations, also situated at Tate, is using comparable visual vocabulary to examine Walter Benjamin’s theory of the thought image, holding similar concepts to the nature of this review, often build on non-chronological order of events. This narrative discloses new meaning of the context and potential of the exhibition.

According to the statement Curating is an art of storytelling (Kholeif, 2019), the audience feels hospitability to take a part in this experience of self-discovery, no matter what stage of life the viewer happens to be at. Ironically, diversity bring Tate’s audience together, connecting it with the exhibition, using catharsis as a tool of awakening the relatedness to the artist.

[johns-prince]

Paul as a teen hung out in some of the gay spots in Liverpool. He described himself as fascinated by the theatre crowd and said he'd hang at the sidelines a 'stage door Johnny' which is apparently another word for a groupie. He and John performed alone with the other lads at these gay clubs. Later Paul hung around the art crowd which was very queer at the time. I think this is the only strong evidence of Paul's bisexuality outside his intrractions with John. Of course he could just be an ally.

Oop also there's been some news articles of Paul nowadays visiting gay bars, apparently he's very quiet and won't bring any attention to himself. He's worn the Pride flag at concerts and I dunno, an Ally might wave a pride flag but wearing it seems to imply he identifies with the community.

From what I know the popular areas in Liverpool were the “Queer,” scenes, you know. But the bars and pubs and such were such a staple for many of Liverpools male youth, straight or gay. 

Interesting, Paul being fascinated by the theater crowd and Johnny connecting with the artsy crowd. 

Lol, stage door Johnny? So, like, a male version of groupie? Interesting! I’m learning a lot today. 

Well, I’m not entirely sure. I’ve always been stuck on the idea of Paul being something for John, but overall, totally straight. I think having a soulmate is much more complicated than just... I dunno, I dunno, can’t help that his soulmate turned out to be a boy. 

But! Learning about Tara, and Paul behaving like a little Stage Door Johnny-- maybe, maybe there is indeed a possibility of Paul being bisexual. But it’s a very weak maybe, at least for me, because I’ve yet to see Paul show any interest or affection for another man as he did for John. 

Hmm, well, I think he’s just being an Ally. Perhaps Paul is finally... exploring? Checking everything out? Who knows. Paul has a right to privacy and doing whatever he’s doing, without prying eyes. 

I wonder if John was still around, would it be the two going into those clubs and bars? Laughing and joking about like naughty school boys.

[kreekey]

He Turns Me On, But Doesn’t Touch Me

Chapter 1/?: “I must have been frightened of the fag in me to get so angry.”

Pairing: John Lennon/Paul McCartney

Genre: Angst, Hurt

Words:  2131

Summary:  

“If John were a homosexual, I would’ve thought he would have made a pass at me in 20 years, wouldn’t you?” - Paul McCartney disputing the claims that Lennon had homosexual affairs, 1988

~

Scenes and slices of life in which John desperately tried to hide himself when confronted with these ideas. The ideas that must never be known to his best friend, his life support, his rival, his brother, his partner. Because if John ever let Paul understand the sort of power he had over him, he’d lose everything that ever really mattered. That’s his worst fear, and he goes to terrible lengths attempting to ensure it’s never realized…. But maybe, in the end, John can learn to let it go. Even if that means a life without the person who used to mean everything.

(See the AO3 Post for author’s notes) 

“The truth is that John was really a great guy. Really, a nice fella. But, you get the sort of stress that the Beatles got… if you’re not that stable … It’s tough.”

~

John Lennon was standing in the middle of a room crowded with everyone he knew and then some. It was Paul’s aunt’s house, a pleasant place in the middle of suburban Liverpool (which almost sounds like a misnomer). Paul’s family was there, too. It was McCartney’s twenty-first birthday, after all. It was a strange intermingling of Paul’s polite, traditional family and his mates who were like, well, John. He felt as out of place as a drunkard in a convent, which was almost what he was at the moment. John had a great deal to drink at the party and very little to eat.

He was on his umpteenth ale ever since Paul had left him to fend for himself. It’s better to avoid the inevitable embarrassment of a drunk Lennon, especially when surrounded by conservative family. John felt sick, surrounded by gits who kept trying to make polite conversation. George had gone off somewhere with his bird and Ringo left soon afterward. He thought he saw Paul go into the back garden with the redhead and some other pathetic band and a rocker. John told himself that the fresh air was freezing and would only make him be sick and make a mess in front of everyone. He’d better stay here, staring at the wall alone and drinking the home dry. Cynthia was still around there somewhere, but that didn’t do anything for him anymore.

He spotted Brian off in another room, mingling effortlessly with the gits. John couldn’t help but like him anyway. Brian was the one who reassured the band of their talent and John of his worth. Eppy made things comfortable, even if John knew he was desperate to do something like toss him off. It was almost a love affair, but not quite. 

Their time together in Barcelona was telling - that was the sort of thing that worried him. It was his first experience with a homosexual that John was conscious was homosexual. John would never bother finding out how lonely and overworked Cyn was when he left only weeks after their son was born. Neither did he realize his mates whispering about them when he and Brian left. Paul once joked that John sucked Eppy off to get his name first in the song credits. That’s one of the stories one of John’s mates in the pub told him, anyway. But he’s been told much worse rumours about himself. The type that left John staring at the ceiling late at night. He left his family weeks after marriage to go on a trip with a queer because he was a bastard and he knew it.

John was staring at the house’s pale, flowery wallpaper when Bob Wooler walked up to him with a smug smile on his face. He had helped John’s little band to do something worthwhile, a rare sight so far in their careers. The Cavern made half the memories that pushed the band to keep on going. John offered a nod at the familiar face.

“How are you, Johnny?” Bob offered his hand and John immediately shook it. “I haven’t seen you since before you went on that trip with Brian. How was Spain?” 

“’s good to see you, Bob,” John said.

“Already drunk as a poet, Lennon? Ay, I’d be too, if I had to show my face after going off with a queer.” Bob gestured to Brian standing in a separate crowd, leaning back to get a good look at him. “How was he, John? Did you enjoy it, then?”

John furrowed his eyebrows. “I don’t - ” he muttered. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Bob.” He fiddled with the collar on his wrist and let out a scoff disguised as a chuckle.

Now Bob smirked. He tilted his head downwards and raised his eyebrows, trying to meet John’s nervous eyes. “It’s all over the papers now. Go ‘ed, tell me. Did you like it?”   John sputtered and his mouth went dry.

Bob added, “I understand, mate. Brian’s a good-looking fella. Go on, look at him.” John turned to where Bob had pointed, and he was right. Brian was making someone smile, comforting them. He glowing underneath the light, so much so that John stared. That was a memory from Barcelona. Bob suddenly grabbed John’s package and groped it roughly, laughing in his ear, “Does he really get you that fucking randy, John?” 

Quickly, John’s eyes panicked, not wanting to face Bob or Brian or, really, anybody. As his eyes darted around the room, he and Cynthia made accidental eye contact. Bob was pushed off, cruelly chuckling along the way. John’s face grew hotter and he spat, “Don’t touch me, you fuckin’ divvy.” 

As Cyn walked towards them, John turned away. He shouldn’t have to deal with this. Not here. He tried to find another bottle of drink, or someone to talk to, or a bird to fool around with. Mainly a bottle of drink, to be honest. Anything to escape this. Cyn started saying something to John about Julian and getting home. She was always trying to help him. It was obvious John needed it in his life. But John didn’t hear her. He was busy desperately stealing someone’s half-drank pint and washing out everybody around him.

“Come on John, tell me.” Bob stroked the back of John’s back. His warmth radiated on the back of John’s neck. Cyn watched on.

“Fuck off, Bob. I mean it.” 

“Tell me about you and Brian, we all know.”

“I’m not a queer.”

“John, please. Don’t listen to him,” Cynthia urged.

Bob snorted. “Come on, do you need your ‘wife’ to come in your defense, John?”

“Mr. Wooler, no - ”

And that was his wife speaking now, trying to politely bicker with Bob to leave John alone, he’s so drunk, please. Everything slipped out of John’s grasp as Bob was trying to charm his wife away, soothing her and reassuring her with lies and jokes. John could swear she was almost in tears, and John wondered if Bob could tell or if Cyn could tell or if -

Then John looked up from his drink and somehow met eyes with Paul, who had made it inside now. He was watching them from across the room, against the purple petunias of the wallpaper. How long? How much could he hear from there? Could Paul see John’s flushed face? Or white knuckles due to the tight hold on his drink as he was trying to ground himself wherever he could? Could Paul see John’s shaky eyes, trying to forget the memories of Barcelona, at least in front of his mate? John felt he was wearing his shame and Paul was about to kick him out for disgusting everyone around him.

Paul’s expression was unreadable, whether from the beer or the glasses John left at home. But he could tell Paul’s eyes were wide, his lips parted, and his eyebrows were slightly raised. He reminded him of a boy who had caught mommy kissing Santa Claus - or a boy who’d caught a glimpse of Mummy living in sin with Bobby Dykins while Father was away. This was a glimpse of something he wasn’t supposed to see. That he didn’t want to see or even realize. Something that disgusted him.

Paul was staring at John now - really looking at him, reminded of all those Hamburg nights - and he didn’t turn his gaze because John could swear Paul could tell what was happening. After all, Paul could always tell. Paul looked at him just like this after John said he was getting married. This happened after John drunkenly proposed to toss themselves off together in a dark room. Paul looked at John like this when he came back from Barcelona. 

And now Paul was making his way towards him, his stare broken. Paul wasn’t supposed to know this way. Paul was never supposed to know. So John turned around, knocked Bob Wooler to the ground, and jumped on him so that John could murder him and his shame. 

Bob was screaming bloody murder as John grabbed a metal stick from the fireplace to shut him up. His nose turned to mush and his breathing made horrible sounds but John couldn’t hear or feel or even notice it. He couldn’t feel Cyn’s hand on his shoulders or everyone evacuating the party or Bob’s chest seeming to crush under his weight. He didn’t let himself realize Paul screaming at him and trying to throw him off. John ignored the fact that he was doing this in front of his best mate at his birthday party because he was a proper, vile bastard. He’s a fucking bastard who’s ruining everybody’s life because he’s a dirty -

John cut himself off by slamming his fist across Bob’s face. Got to shut him up. Got to stop it all. He couldn’t tell that a bit of blood had stained the flowery wall of the McCartney’s perfect house, or that a glass had smashed. He didn’t realize that his vision was so skewed that he barely recognized that what he was hitting was human. He didn’t listen to Bob crying, or the blonde crying, or even his own head telling himself that I can kill this guy. John kept on hitting, pushing through the gurgled moans of Bob and the fact John read on his face that if I hit him once more, that was going to be it. The heat of his face and his chest and the air burned up any thought that told him to stop. John did what he wanted to do for so long: to hit and stop them from speaking about these things ever fucking again. 

And when it ended, John was barely aware that it was over. 

Cyn was driving him home, scared out of her mind. John lashed out again. John was still the same man. But they had a baby now and she left him for months after he hit her and John cried and apologized and promised to be a good man after every incident. Cynthia would always believe him. Now John was stirring in the back seat, his bobbing weakly, not looking at her or even acknowledging her. He only muttered lowly, “He called me a bloody queer, so I knocked his ribs in.” 

He was only faintly aware of Bob’s state. Something bad had happened to Bob’s ribs and his eye, and John knew that oh God, I did that to him. He remembered that Bob staggered out, blood down his face, and said, “Get Brian Epstein.“ Everyone ushered to him and glared at the drunken attacker, the freak, the queer. John was pulled by some of the men there to Cynthia’s car. And Paul rushed out of the scene, holding hands with the nice redhead. John saw Paul’s figure pushing through the crowd, and for some reason he to find Paul’s eyes for something - sympathy or hate or even a fucking nod - but Paul didn’t look at John. 

And John was pushed into Cynthia’s car so he could get out of everybody’s life and let them forget the awful night. The night that was his fault. He was probably going to lose the record deal now, John thought half-consciously. At least, he should. Brian would drop the band and he’d be locked up like the fuck up he was. Oh, the band - they’d hate John for stringing them this far along only to leave them with such a mess. Paul would forget about him, or want to forget about him. Everything they had, everything they worked for would be destroyed. John would be remembered as the fairy who ruined Paul’s twenty-first and Paul would hate him. John’s chest suddenly ached and his face contorted. Everything that was wrong with him was crashing down on his life because that’s exactly what he deserves. The last time Paul looked him in the eyes would be when Paul realized his best mate was a fucking queer. 

~

“… It’s tough. Now, if you look at John for his stability, you’ve got to look at him.

“You gotta look at the guy whose father left home when he was three. He was brought up by his auntie and his uncle - his auntie was living but the uncle died.

“And then, his mother - who used to live nearby - was visiting one night. She left, she got run over by a drunken policeman and got killed stone dead when he was sixteen.

“So, y’know, on top of all of that it’s remarkable he was as straight as he was, really.”