#look at this heterosexuals making me soppy

[nellcrain]

Was this all part of your plan? Getting me to fall for you.

[mearcatsreturns]

/whispers/ So maybe I now have to ask for Ivan and the No Good Terrible Very Bad Day Attempting to Babysit a Grisha Child Who Can Summon Light and Shadow. How could this possibly go wrong.

Once again, this got long, so here's the first chapter of A Day in the Life of Ivan, Or: Ivan’s Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day.

The worst day of Ivan’s life begins years before the fateful day itself, if that’s possible. He’s grateful not to know the precise day, but he knows who—or what, rather—is to blame.

It’s the damn heterosexuals. They just won’t stop fucking, and they’ve made it everyone else’s problem now.

The heterosexuals in question are, of course, Kirigan and Alina, or as they’re known now, the Tsar and Tsarina.

&&&

About three years before the Worst Day™, Ivan is minding his own business, just trying to find some decent food after returning from a mission to the northern border. It wasn’t a bad trip; Fedyor had been with him and they’d enjoyed the opportunity to spend some time together outside the political games of Os Alta.

Nevertheless, Ivan is eager to eat some food that isn’t dried and to sleep in his own comfortable bed. He’s already debriefed with the Tsar and bathed, so he’s delighted to find it’s time for dinner. It’s to be a small group tonight, just the king and queen, Nikolai, Zoya, Tamar, Nadia, Fedyor and him. He can tolerate them all (except Fedyor, who of course is the light of his life), though Alina remains permanently on thin ice. She makes the Darkling light and happy, and it’s just unnatural.

They settle around the table and fall into comfortable conversation. Tolya is on an assignment and intends to travel to Kerch after this. Tamar and Nadia are beginning to formalize their union and are looking for a house. If their bickering and the obscene looks Zoya and Nikolai are giving each other are any indication, Ivan expects some kind of announcement from them any day. The Tsar intends to invite some dignitaries from Novyi Zem to the palace in a few weeks.

And Tsaritsa Alina is pale and...unwell. She looks queasy, and Ivan feels a moment of alarm. Grisha can’t get sick, not unless they don’t use their powers. Given that Alina is the Sol Koroleva, the renowned Sun Summoner, that seems unlikely. Few things lead to such ill appearances. Maybe some kind of poison? If she or her food are being poisoned, they need to know as soon as possible.

Ivan does his usual first step; he counts the heartbeats, checking their speeds. One, two, three, four, everyone is normal, five, six, seven, eight, nine...ah, the ninth is faint and fast.

Wait. Nine? There are only eight of them here at dinner, and the attendants have long since departed.

It hits Ivan like a lightning bolt, and he gasps aloud in shock and horror. The most reasonable explanation for the extra heartbeat and Alina’s ill looks is—oh, saints protect them all—a baby.

Everyone turns to look at him, as though he is the one who’s done something strange and dangerous.

Ivan gapes at Alina and points a finger accusingly, “You’re pregnant! With a baby!”

Beside him, Fedyor closes his eyes and shakes his head, letting out a sigh. Tamar and Nadia exchange a knowing, amused look, though they manage not to laugh. Zoya raises one shapely eyebrow.

Nikolai grins. “One generally is pregnant with babies, as opposed to anything else. Except perhaps with genius ideas, in my case and David’s. Alina, moi tsar, congratulations to you both.”

Alina glares at Ivan. What? He’s not the unholy saint about to unleash terror onto the earth from their womb.

Once he glances at Kirigan, though, Ivan stills. The Tsar is ashen and looks as though someone has dropped an iron on his head, or told him that his beloved horse is Grisha too.

“Aleksander, I wasn’t sure. I was waiting until I was to tell you,” Alina says, one hand on her husband’s forearm. “Are...are you all right?”

The Tsar opens his mouth, but no sounds come out.

Tamar and Nadia stand, hand-in-hand. “We, ah, think we’ll take our leave now. Thank you for a lovely dinner, Sol Koroleva, my King,” Tamar says, and she and her fiancée flee.

Zoya clears her throat and gives Nikolai a look that is very different from the hungry one Ivan so despises on faces that aren’t Fedyor’s.

With a nod at her, Nikolai stands and helps her to her feet. “Indeed. Your hospitality is, as always, boundless, though I can’t help but feel we’re trespassing on it every second we linger here. Erm, do let me know when I can get you a gift.”

“Congratulations,” Zoya says, and to Ivan’s disgust, she actually sounds sincere. He watches as she and Nikolia leave, one of the Lantsov pup’s hands at the small of her waist. One would think the heterosexuals would have learned from this evening that touching each other is dangerous, but apparently some of them are just utter fools.

Fedyor elbows him, and Ivan turns to scowl at his beloved. “Wha—”

A point of his head in the direction of the Tsar and Tsaritsa quiets Ivan.

Alina is kneeling beside her husband’s chair, stroking his arm. Aleksander Kirigan, King of Ravka, Shadow Summoner, the Black General, sits still as a statue, eyes wide with shock.

“We’ll head out now too,” Fedyor says.

Ivan nods, grabbing Fedya’s arm and hauling him from the room. Over his shoulder, Ivan yells, “Good luck!”

Fedyor smacks him, whispering furiously as they close the door behind them. “‘Good luck’?! You’re supposed to say ‘congratulations,’ or ‘have a nice evening,’ you utter troll.”

“I’m a troll now? See if I give you a massage when we get back to our rooms,” Ivan grouses. He pulls Fedyor along, pulling him away from where he seemed inclined to linger by the door. Eavesdropping, pah. He can’t believe he’s married to such a busybody.

Who would want to stay to hear whatever nonsense the Darkling and his wife are about to say or do? He’s had enough of that for one lifetime, thank you very much.

Ivan shudders. The two most powerful Grisha on the planet, one a sun summoner and the other a shadow summoner, having a baby? The world is definitely doomed.

&&&

The next day, Ivan receives a summons to go see the Tsar. Dread churns in his stomach, and he rubs his eyes. He hadn’t slept well, especially after he and Fedyor had a tiff about “inappropriate behavior and outbursts.” And now he’s to see his boss, probably about said outburst the previous night.

He accompanies Anton, the young oprichnik to the Tsar’s quarters, and the boy brightens with excitement to be talking to one of the Tsar’s most favored Grisha. “Thank you, Andrei. I’ll make my way from here.” The boy’s face falls, but Ivan dismisses him with a nod. If the oprichniki got any more friendly, they’d start calling him Vanya without his permission. Appalling.

Ivan takes a deep breath, then knocks at the door. He’s long since learned the value of knocking after Alina and the General got together, especially now that they share their quarters. Unfortunately, no healer has yet to find something to wipe certain sights from his brain.

“Come in,” Kirigan’s faint, disembodied voice commands.

Ivan lets himself into the room, waiting while the Tsar steps around the corner from the bedroom he shares with his queen.

“Good morning, Ivan.”

“Good morning, moi soverennyi. I hope you rested well,” Ivan replies, tone funereal. Saints, he prays he’s not about to be sent to Tsibeya permanently. He runs his hand under his collar, annoyed to find he’s actually sweating.

Kirigan’s face gives nothing away. “I did, thank you. The Tsaritsa is with Genya and one of the healers.”

“And she...she is well?” Ivan gulps.

“Yes. She was apparently a bit surprised last night herself, as she’d only just begun to suspect she might be pregnant.”

As much as Ivan hates when the Tsar’s feelings show—it’s usually him making soppy, annoying faces at Alina—he wishes Aleksander would just say what’s on his mind.

“My apologies, sir, I was also surprised. She seemed unwell, and I wanted to make sure she wasn’t, say, being poisoned.”

“You thought someone might be poisoning my wife?” Kirigan is incredulous.

“Things have been very calm with Fjerda lately. I don’t trust it.”

The General mutters under his breath, something about not trusting anything.

Ivan waits. Finally, Kirigan breaks the not-so-silent silence. “Well, thank you for your concern. And, ah, the surprising news.”

“You’re most welcome,” he replies gloomily.

“You don’t seem thrilled.”

“Forgive me, moi tsar, but I don’t see a need for excitement at a natural result of your conjugal activities. Sir.”

Oh, saints, is Kirigan frowning at him? Ivan mentally starts packing his belongings when the frown becomes a smile and then a laugh.

Perhaps Aleksander still isn’t quite recovered from the shock of his impending fatherhood.

He’s not paying attention to Ivan anyway. Kirigan makes his way to the table, shuffling the papers there unseeingly. “I didn’t think it was possible, you know.”

“I did not.” And Ivan would like to keep it that way.

Alas, Aleksander seems inclined to continue talking. “In all my long life, longer than you know, I’ve never fathered a child.”

Ivan grimaces. The world is probably grateful, though now it has much to fear. “It would have been challenging to have had a child during the wars, sir.”

Kirigan waves this aside, and unfortunately continues speaking. “Still, for it to happen with Alina...I’m so thrilled, Ivan.”

“And I am...happy for you, General.” Make it stop. Ivan is queasy.

“Of course, it’s probably for the best that it didn’t happen when Alina and I first got together, especially now that I know how possible that was.”

Ivan wants to cover his ears and sing “la la la la la,” but the implications of what his boss is saying finally sink in, and his horror at this whole situation increases exponentially. “Wait. Do you mean to say you weren’t using, ah, preventative measures?”

Kirigan’s face grows sheepish. “Until my conversation with Alina last night after you all departed, I wasn’t aware there was such a thing. In my day, one simply planned around the time of the month or withdrew from—”

“I beg you to stop talking. Moi soverennyi,” Ivan adds as an afterthought.

The Tsar falls silent, and Ivan sighs with relief.

But something bothers him. “Did you not get any sort of talk about how to prevent pregnancy when you were training? Even I did when I was young, before everyone knew I wouldn’t have to worry about that.”

“Like I said, there weren’t those kinds of options when I was young, as far as I know,” Kirigan says with a shrug.

Ivan begins to realize that his boss is, in fact, much older than he thought. That explains the herring and rye, too. He hesitates before venturing to speak. “Do...was Alina—the queen, that is, did she explain the different kinds of birth control, or…?”

“Well, I can’t get her more pregnant, Ivan.”

It’s too horrible to even contemplate, and Ivan shudders.

Kirigan laughs and slaps his shoulder. “Don’t worry, you don’t have to give me The Talk. Alina was so upset I didn’t know that she told me everything last night.”

Ivan’s lips twist in dismay at Aleksander’s rapturous expression that indicates there was a demonstration of some practical applications. Ugh. “Small mercies.”

“Well, hopefully you’ll consider this next a mercy: I want you and Fedyor to stay close through Alina’s pregnancy, especially once word gets out.”

Staying in Os Alta won’t be so bad, but the idea of dancing attendance on Alina, all while some parasite hijacks and distorts her body...well, hopefully he’ll get a good field assignment once this pregnancy is over. “Of course, moi tsar. And when will it end? I mean, ah, when is the blessed event?”

“In seven and a half months or so, perhaps eight. She’s about five or six weeks along, the healer says. And that, well…” Kirigan smiles at what is clearly the memory of this child’s conception.

Ivan fervently wracks his brain, desperate to keep his boss from offering more information that will give him nightmares about heterosexual intercourse. “And is there any way of knowing whether the babe will be a shadow summoner or sun summoner? Or both?”

A stricken look comes over Kirigan’s face. “Both?” He clearly hasn’t considered this possibility yet. “But that…” He doesn’t continue, instead going to fall into his chair and stare into distance.

It’s going to be a long few months.

&&&

It’s roughly eight months after that when Ivan is rudely pulled from sleep by Genya bursting into his and Fedyor’s room like she has the right.

It’s obscenely early in the morning, Ivan is, as is his usual habit, sleeping on his side facing the window. Fedyor, as is his usual custom, sleeps with his arm slung over Ivan’s waist and his head buried between his shoulder blades. It’s very soothing, normally.

Not today, though. The door opens with a bang, and Genya yells, “It’s time! She’s here!”

Ivan, suddenly wide awake, goes to jump out of bed. Instead, he finds that Genya has slowed their heart rates enough that hurrying is impossible. He glares at her. “What the fuck are you doing in our room? Who is here?”

“The baby is here. The tsarevna.”

“It’s a girl?” Fedyor asks with a smile.

Genya grins back. “Yes. She’s adorable.”

Ivan does not smile. “I’m glad she’s arrived. But why are you here in our bedroom at—” he glances at the clock and continues, “4:52 in the morning?”

“Everyone is going to see here. You’re the Tsar’s right-hand man, Ivan, so they’ll be expecting you.”

“Well, Genya, darling, you’ll have to let our hearts do their normal thing if you want us to do that,” Fedyor adds.

She shakes her head and drops her hand. “Of course. Sorry. See you there in fifteen minutes, and please be wearing pants. And shirts.”

Ivan grumbles, but gets out of bed. It’s difficult to want to leave when Fedyor is looking over him like that, but Kirigan probably will be upset if they don’t come to fawn over his spawn in what he deems a reasonable amount of time.

He and Fedyor make their way down the halls of the palace to Aleksander’s and Alina’s private apartment. The door is open, but Ivan nods at the guards and knocks anyway before stepping inside, Fedyor on his heels. He walks back to the bedroom, where he can hear hushed, happy conversations.

Alina is lying on the bed. She looks sweaty and disgusting, but in a radiant and maternal way that the Tsar seems to find beautiful, since he can’t look away from her. Typical, and exactly what got them into this mess.

The mess in question is wrapped in a blanket in her mother’s arms. Ivan glances at the small bundle, which seems to be sleeping. It is certainly very red.

Kirigan sits in a chair beside the bed, as close to it and his wife and new daughter as he can. He’s resting one hand on Alina’s shoulder, while the other trails along his daughter’s tiny head.

“The tsarevna is lovely,” Fedyor says, smiling down at the family.

Ivan thinks that’s a bit of a stretch, but he nods. “She looks like a baby. A healthy one.”

Fedyor elbows him, but Alina just rolls her eyes. “Thank you, I think.”

“She’s beautiful,” Aleksander says firmly, his face still disturbingly dreamy. “We’ve decided to call her Anastasia.”

Nastia. That seems about right.

Just then, the wee girl stirs and starts to wail. As her cries grow louder and Alina shifts to be able to feed her, shadows creep into the room. Then through the darkness, Ivan sees little flashes of light coming from the baby.

Fuck. This tiny child can summon shadows and light.

Nasty little Nastia indeed.

[nat-20s]

ooh can i have some reluctantly soft hcs about jon pre s1-s2? (maybe even some about pride??)

okay so we gettin REAL soft tonight babes!

-so for pride Sasha and Tim have officially formed the Taking Martin To His First Pride Team and all three of them spend like a week going back and forth on whether or not to invite Jon bc a: he’s a bit surly and b: he might?? be the Token Cishet? (he’s neither, but they don’t know that.) and while a token cishet can be supportive of his friends at pride they also don’t know if they?? qualify as his friends??

-There’s a conversation that basically goes like

Tim: im sure even as a straight guy he’d like to at least be invited. Wait. Is Jon straight? Do we know?

Sasha: I dunno. I get a Vibe from him that says otherwise

Tim: really??? but he’s not receptive to my charms???

Sasha: believe it or not Tim not being attracted to you specifically is not a conclusive indication of heterosexuality.

Tim: sources???

Martin: guys he’s..probably straight. even ignoring just, god, statistical probability, i kind of?? want to?? hold his hand???

Sasha: and that means???

Martin: i pretty much only ever get crushes on deeply unavailable men. Hence why Tim does not make me swoon.

Tim: now that just sounds like a challenge. ALSO I’m pretty sure Jon counts as deeply unavailable regardless of whether or not he’s straight. Not exactly the most open person around. 

Sasha: i say we invite him anyway! if he’s shitty about it I’ll make sure his email doesn’t work right for a month! 

Tim: Sasha you terrify me. I love you.

Sasha: 😘

So Tim casually knocks on Jon’s door and is like “hey boss we’re going to pride this weekend would you like to come with?” and Jon goes through a whole Face Journey because while, at this point, he Knows he’s trans, is pretty?? sure?? he’s bi, and is aware of being ace but not of like the word or that other people are Like That, pride is still..a lot. Especially when he’s not out to any of them. Reluctantly he ends up agreeing to come along and actually DOES and it’s good? it’s weird for him but it’s nice. It’s really nice and it feels safe and joyful in a way that he’s not used to. He’s doesn’t pick up any merch but the fact that it exists, that there’s people like him out here and living life? it’s lovely to watch. Doubly so to see his coworkers all having a blast. It’s not like any of the other three are particularly dour at work, but here? the three of them THRIVE.

non pride related

-Before he is just so stressed all the time constantly Jon used to sing to himself quite a lot! You can pry “Jon is a good singer” from my cold dead hands. before he becomes Boss Man he’s willing to keep singing even when a coworker walks in and sasha in particular is like woah! that sounds really nice! After shit goes down he kind of stop singing, which sucks because it’s something he really enjoys but it just. Doesn’t come out anymore. Until Scotland at least. Martin is extremely taken with it. 

-There’s a point where Jon walks in on Tim desperately trying not to fuck up the Other Eye when it comes to putting on eyeliner and after about 7 minutes of struggling because it’s just one of those days Jon is like “jesus christ”, grabs Tim’s face, and applies a FLAWLESS, symmetrical cat eye in like .2 seconds. Tim is DELIGHTEDLY like “Jon what the fuck??? :DDD” and Jon is like “i went to college” even though it explains NOTHING and Martin, who’s been watching this exchange the entire time, is a Touch Starved Gay Icon with the World’s Dumbest Crush who thinks nothing but “jon. Hands. Face.” before saying “I Would Also Like Eyeliner” and Jon is like GROANS you would wouldnt you and then does it anyway. Jon doesn’t realize he cataloged the feeling of martin’s face under his hands until like. two years and one soppy dream later

-Jon establishes himself as a clothing thief in season 1 while martin is staying in the archive. one day he accidentally takes Martin’s hoodie and DOESN’T even notice even though it’s a: blatantly not the cardigan of the same color he thought he was grabbing and b: oversized on him. Martin sees him and is like “is that?? my hoodie??” and that’s when jon finally looks at what he’s wearing and just replies, “Yes.” Martin asks, “Can I..have it back” and since Jon is Pissy and Sleep Deprived and generally not in his right senses and also his animal hindbrain is like hhhg hoodie smell good he flatly responds, “No.” And Martin finds it a very confusing mix of deeply annoying and deeply endearing. 

-other items jon has stolen:

one of roises big ol hair clips

a scarf of sasha’s

a pair of Tim’s pajama pants?? how did he even get those???

Like half of Georgies wardrobe at some point or another

-Before he became archivist, he had a favorite little reading nook in the institute. It was private and sunny and quiet and HIS and he spent many a lunch there without anyone knowing, back when he got to read for fun 

-for all the shit that he tries to give Martin about letting a dog into the institute, over the course of his career there he has temporarily snuck in three different stray cats and also a very sad looking hedgehog because he’s a bleeding heart with the rest of em

-he’s not the best baker but when he DOES manage to make something really well, he would almost always bring it into work to share, with a note listing ingredients and a “feel free to eat” note, but absolutely making sure no one knows it was him that dropped it off. Sasha recognizes his hand writing every time but they have a silent agreement that he always sneaks her the best of the batch and she doesn’t say anything

[fandomsnerd24]

Review of Harley Quinn S1E7: “The Line”

Warning: some spoilers ahead!

I have some seriously mixed feelings about this episode (and about this series as well, but more on that later). On the one hand, there were some good aspects and on the other, there were some pretty messed up aspects. There were two plotlines going on in this episode: one that centered around Harley and the other around Ivy. 

I’d say the best parts of the episode were with Ivy. This focuses on her going on a date with Kite Man (god, I thought I’d never write something like that, but here we are). And it’s a lot about her going through some personal growth and coming into her own confidence a little more. I liked it. It was nice. Kite Man, amazingly, also underwent a tiny bit of character growth (you have to squint to see it), but they don’t write him quite as bad as they did when they first introduced him. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still a problematic pig. But I think he’s getting better. Do I like that DC went with the easy, heterosexual route of pairing Ivy with Kite Man? Nope, not at all. I’m actually pretty disappointed in this aspect of their show. 

We literally have Ivy and Harley being together in canon. So why the hell couldn’t they angle that that way for this series??? I know a lot of people were hoping for it! As much as I think DC does decently well portraying LGBTQ+ in their various media formats, they still have a ways to go. They don’t get a pass because they have characters who identify outside of the heterosexual patriarchy. They can do better. While I don’t think they’ll ever see this post, this is still my challenge for them to do better on representation. 

Anyway, I think that it would have been more meaningful for Harley and Ivy to get together than this stupid Ivy/Kite Man plotline is. Or for them to totally forget about any type of romantic plotline besides Harley working out her issues with Joker and becoming her own woman. I would prefer the no romance to this forced heterosexuality bullshit. Not everything needs romance!! (And this is coming from a soppy romantic.) But still, I’d say Ivy and Kite Man’s interactions are probably the highlight of the episode. Forced heterosexuality aside, Kite Man in this series is absolutely hilarious. I’m going to have to look him up to see if he’s as ridiculous in comics as he is in this series. Because I need more comedy in my life. 

I’d say most of the bad lay with Harley’s plotline this episode. So, in this episode, the Queen of Fables is released from her imprisonment in a tax codebook because a judge ruled it as being “cruel and unusual,” which he’s not wrong. It’s nice that they address this. She was then sent to Arkham to serve the rest of her sentence, but Harley broke her out before she got there. Okay, whatever, fine and dandy. Queen of Fables is one fucked up bitch and every time she killed a person, they showed it in graphic detail. Which, okay, I guess this is an adult show. But it was still pretty messed up. And over the line that they set up earlier in the series with everything Harley’s been doing. Harley is a villain, but not necessarily a bad person. She has a lot of humanity in her. To put it simply: Queen of Fables does not. The blood and gore were taken just a little too far in the episode for my tastes. I felt like it didn’t really fit the lighthearted humor and “oooh look we’re the bad guys” campiness that they’ve been doing with the rest of the series. 

But. Perhaps not. Maybe it’s completely in line. I read a couple good posts here on Tumblr about how this show has some very antisemitic sentiments with episodes two and six (these are the ones they addressed, there may be some instances in other episodes). Now, when a practicing Jew says something is antisemitic, I’m not going to argue. Another person who self-identified as Jew posted in the comments section that they’re not offended by these lines because this is a show about villains who are all fucked up bad guys. I know there’s going to be Jewish people on both sides of this argument. There’s never not sides when it comes to things like this. 

I still had mixed feelings about watching the episode today. 

I ultimately decided to watch it. Partially because I remember something one of my Gender, Woman, and Sexuality Studies professors said. The jist of what they said, is that you can like something and still realize that it’s problematic and if you address this. I’m addressing that I realize this show is very problematic in many ways. Antisemitism is not cool. In this house, we love and respect everyone. I’m not trying to justify the writers (and to a certain extent, the producers, actors, and almost everyone else involved in making this show happen) using that type of language. Certainly not my intent. Those in charge of the show should definately be held accountable for this and they should certainly address this and offer up explanations. 

Will they? That is debatable. I’m a little surprised by how this is going down because they have so many Jewish characters and because there have been so many Jewish writers and other content creators who’s contributed to DC Comics. I say I’m only a little surprised because it’s hard for humanity to surprise me with their ability to be detestable anymore and because the United States is so dominated by the Christian church and a straight, white worldview. It makes me ask the question: who’s in charge of this series and approves the scripts? 

Will I still watch the rest of the series? Probably. Re: what my professor said. Going forward, I’m going to try to be more critical. I’ve done that in some of my previous reviews, but I’ve also been super positive. About episode six, I left a pretty positive review and that’s honestly because I have the privilege of not having to think about how my religion is being portrayed in popular media. Some of the lines that the Tumblr poster mentioned, I didn’t even notice because that’s not where my background leads me to think. Having read some of those posts about what’s going on in the series, I’d probably write a very different type of review for episodes two and six since I’m more aware of what’s going on now.  

This series in general started really good with the first episode and every subsequent episode has been super rocky. Like there’s some super yikes moments and some moments where it’s like, yeah I get you’re evil, but maybe you don’t want your show to go down that road?? Who the hell is writing this thing? But then are some really good scenes where you can see the show has such potential. Like, ugh, why couldn’t you have done better with this series. It’s rough, man. They had such potential and I’ve gotta say that this is not their strongest DC Universe original series. It’s just not. Which is a damn shame it’s not better because I absolutely loved the first episode. 

So, in summary: I’m going to keep watching but I’m going to try to be more attentive and critical of what I’m consuming. I don’t really want to subscribe to cancel culture, because I feel like if we just cancel without forcing the people in charge to think about what they’ve done and make them accountable for it, we’re not really achieving anything. There are several other things I don’t like about this series (which I’ve talked about in previous reviews), but I can still see some potential in it. I’d like to see them take those good things, address the bad, and become a better show while being accountable for the bad things. Am I asking a lot? Yup. Will it probably happen? So freaking debatable. But let’s be real: it probably won’t. 

I suppose I’m a stupidly optimistic person though. 

But that’s just my opinion. You’re free to have your own. You’re free to tell me (politely, please. if you’re mean and rude about it, I won’t respond- I’ll probably just delete your comment or block you) why I should reconsider my opinion. I recognize my privilege and I’m willing to learn and grow. I think everyone should have the chance to learn and grow. 

(PS: 10/10 because Frank the plant was in this episode; 0/10 for other bullshit)

[kainissoable]

Questions for your OCs

I'm answering this from @evilblot instead of the one she tagged me in because I panic when asked to choose between two things. Answering for Arthur and occasionally Temperance because a) some people have heard of them and b) I've been neglecting them recently. 1. What's the maximum length of time you can sit still with nothing to do? Arthur: "If it's been a busy day I can happily sit for half an hour contemplating nothing very much." Tempe: Somewhere between ten and minus five seconds. 2. How easy is it for you to laugh? Arthur: "I'm quite the jovial fellow, although I admit it's often more affectation than genuine." The same as everything else in his life, really. 3. How do you get yourself to sleep at night. Arthur: "A soppy romance novel normally does the job. If there's a man in bed with me I seldom have any interest in sleeping." 4. How easy is it to earn your trust? Tempe: "Easier than I wish was the case." Thoughts of Sanguis came unbidden. 5. What were you told to stop/start doing most as a child? Arthur: "I'm quite certain that my mother shouted 'slow down before you hurt yourself' more than my actual name." Tempe: "Stop daydreaming and start whatever chores I should have been doing." 6. Do you swear? Do you remember your first swear word? Tempe: "I don't remember what it was, but I picked up some interesting language from the men at shearing when I was little... Now I don't swear much." 7. How do you cope with confusion? Arthur: "Work backwards slowly until I find the point things went wrong then try to figure out how. I find it's better to go slowly and methodically in these things." 8. Do you have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a particular order? Arthur: "No clever mental tricks, only a massive rollerdecks of every potential business partner and rival in the city." 9. How do you deal with an itch in a place you can't quite reach? Arthur: "Either a fountain pen, or, for preferences, Faustus." 10. What color do you look best in? (Do they actually look best in that colour?) Arthur gestured his attire. "I'd say grey and blue make me look rather dashing." He was right to think so, but not in thinking it only applied to anything lighter than royal blue. "Green!" Temperance twirled and almost tripped over their own skirt. They would be better served wearing something less gaudy, practically anything really, but a life of near poverty had given then certain views. The moment the newly risen vampire had been given access to jewels, silks and velvet all thoughts of restraint and taste had gone out the window. 11. What animals do you fear the most? Arthur had not been looking forward to this question "...rabbits," he muttered. 12. How do you speak? Is what you say usually though of on the spot or do you rehearse it in your mind first? Arthur thinks everything through carefully before speaking; Tempe doesn't have much of a brain-to-mouth filter and tends to say whatever's on their mind. They grow out if it eventually. 13. What makes your stomach turn? Arthur: "The thought of being found out as..." he shook his head- "of being disinherited or worse because of who I love." 14. Are you easily embarrassed? It's very easy to make Arthur turn beetroot. Tempe's more likely to be the one doing the embarrassing. 15. What embarrasses you? Arthur: "I'm easily flustered by people being affectionate." 16. What is your favourite number? Arthur: "I like the sound of forty seven. It rolls off the tongue." 17. If you were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic love, how would you do it? "If?" Arthur repeated. "If I was asked I'd probably struggle quite badly, certainty without outing myself. How fortunate that you did not in fact ask me to do so." 18. Why do you get up in the morning? Arthur: "Because it isn't socially acceptable to get up mid afternoon." 19. How does jealous manifes itself in you? Arthur: "I do tend to get somewhat... posessive when it comes to partners. I have been known to be rather unpleasant towards gentlemen I have percieved as rivals. Suffice it to say that it once came to fisticuffs... I'm not proud of it." 20. How does envy manifes itself in you? Arthur: "I tend to be perfectly polite, spend as much time with them as possible, then drift away from them due to feelings of inadequacy." 21. Is sex something you're comfortable speaking about? Arthur: "I prefer to deal in subtleties, but with a partner I have no objections to the more explicit." 22. What are your thoughts on marriage? "Mixed." Arthur took a moment to assemble the words in his mind. "I would gladly marry Faustus, but I know that if I am ever wed it is unlikely to be a happy occasion." 23. What is your preferred mode of transportation? Arthur: "A coach and four any day. Have you seen the state of the public trains?" 24. What causes you to feel dread? Arthur: "Any iteration of the phrase 'I've found a lovely girl, just your type.'" 25. Who do you most regret meeting? Arthur: "His name was Ernest and I don't want to talk about it." 26. Who are you most glad to have met? Arthur looked positively soppy as he answered. "Faustus." 27. Do you have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke? Tempe: "Not a single story, but I like talking about Lettie and Krys. We've had some great times between us. 28. Could you be considered lazy? Arthur: "By some people, certainly. Mr Basset down at the docks certainly thought so. In my defence, my pocket watch had run down." 29. Do you actively seek romance or do you wait for it to fall in your lap? Arthur: "I'm definitely one to seek for... well, I suppose you could call it romance. I certainly try to be romantic in my pursuits, anyway." 30. What memory do you revisit most often? Arthur: "Those carefree childhood days in Nachtholme. I wouldn't trade them for the world. 31. How easy is it for you to ignore flaws in other people? Arthur: "I find myself very aware of other people's quirks and peculiarities, but I try not to judge people for them." 32. How sensitive are you to your own flaws? Arthur: "...my self esteem isn't as good as it could be, and I am quite aware of my own inadequacies." 33. How do you feel about children? Arthur: "I'm very awkward around children. Given the choice, I wouldn't have any, but it is unlikely to be my choice that matters." 34. How badly do you want to reach your end goal? Arthur: "I have already resorted to threats of libel to remain with Faustus. It's a cliché to say I'd kill for him, but I can't think of much else I wouldn't do to spend my life with him." 35. If someone asked you to explain your sexuality, how would you do so? Arthur: "That rather depends on who was asking. If it was stranger I would avoid doing so whilst implying heterosexuality. Someone at the club or similar would be told simply that I am an avowed bachelor. My tastes run to men and men only." Tagging @drowsy-nelapsi and @dongtopus if either of you want to do some or all of these.

[viralhottopics]

Beauty and the Beast review Emma Watson makes a perfect Belle in sugar-rush romance

Watson star cuts a demure, doll-like figure in Disneys live-action remake, which features an outbreak of starry cameos and the worlds briefest gay reveal

The worlds most notorious case of Stockholm syndrome is back in cinemas. Disney now gives us a sprightly, shiny live-action remake of its 1991 animated musical fairytale, Beauty and the Beast, with Emma Watson as Belle, the elfin beauty from a humble French village whose poor old dad (Kevin Kline) is imprisoned by a wicked beast who lives in a remote castle. This is in fact a once handsome prince (played by Downton Abbeys Dan Stevens), transformed into a monster by an enchantress as a punishment for his selfishness, while all his simpering courtiers were turned into household appliances such as candles and clocks. Belle offers to be his prisoner in her fathers place. Gradually the grumpy, soppy old Beast falls in love with her and she with him.

Everyone warbles the classic 1991 showtunes by composer Alan Menken and lyricist Howard Ashman, and there is a sugar-rush outbreak of starry cameos at the very end, from A-listers who are given full status in the final curtain-call credits. The whole movie is lit in that fascinatingly artificial honeyglow light, and it runs smoothly on rails the kind of rails that bring in and out the stage sets for the lucrative Broadway touring version.

This movie is allegedly updating its assumptions to include a gay character while leaving the heterosexual politics untouched. Beastly ugliness is symbolic of tragic male loneliness even as the imprisoned pretty woman submissively redeems her captors suffering. The Shrek twist on this scenario has more of a sense of humour: the woman becomes ugly as well.

The gay character is Le Fou, played by Josh Gad he is the nerdy sidekick to Belles caddish and malign suitor Gaston, amusingly played by Luke Evans. But Le Fous homosexuality is only definitively revealed as he pairs up with another man in a blink-and-you-miss-it moment at the final dance. Otherwise, his character is no different from the cringing sidekick in the 1991 version; whether Le Fou is the only or the most gay thing about the film is up for discussion, and it is the celebratory and witty connoisseurship of musical theatre in the gay community that has historically kept this genre vital.

Amusingly played Luke Evans as the caddish Gaston. Photograph: Moviestore/Rex/Shutterstock

Emma Watson is a demure, doll-like Belle, almost a figure who has stepped off the top of a music box; she never gives in to extravagant emotion, or retreats into depression, but maintains a kind of even-tempered dignified romantic solitude. She doesnt set the screen ablaze, but that isnt quite the point: she is well cast and it is a good performance from her. There is an entertaining early moment when Belle is irresistibly drawn to wander out into the oddly Austrian-looking French countryside on wings of song, and does everything but spin around on the spot with arms outstretched.

Beauty and the Beast: trailer for live-action adaptation starring Emma Watson

But the hills are alive with spells, and the poor Beast is miserable up in his crumbling castle. He is a bad-tempered old bachelor, yearning to be freed from his mask of ghastliness. (Weirdly, the movie reminded me of Jean-Pierre Melvilles movie The Silence of the Sea, in which the well-meaning francophile German officer, billeted with a French family during the Nazi occupation, earnestly suggests that they might yet find a kind of mutual regard, like the beauty and the beast.) It is a decent performance from Stevens, although as ever with this story, the moment when he is transformed back to handsome prince is a strange anticlimax. Somehow the handsome face is more boring and insubstantial than the great big animal face in which weve been encouraged to find something adorable. But its an efficient BATB, machine-tooled for sweetness, with flashes of fun, destined to be the centrepiece of a million teen sleepovers.

Beauty and the Beast is released on 17 March.

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from Beauty and the Beast review Emma Watson makes a perfect Belle in sugar-rush romance