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dre6ming · 2 years

Text

The delicate beginning rush

Chapter V ~ Torn

Masterlist

Chapter IV ~ decode

Chapter VI ~ my darling

Instagram photo dump masterlist

To be added to the tag click here

Pairing: Austin Butler x singer/actress fem reader

Warning: age gap, fluff, cursing, angst … that’s all

Word count: ~7030

Plot: after a perfect day with Austin that arises many questions not only within the public, but within yourself, you feel torn. Torn between two people, as your heart seems to be more malleable than expected

Disclaimer: everything I write is fake and should be read as such. <except for the songs I reference>

"(Y/n)..." I groan in my sleep cuddling my face further into the pillow. "Wake up, we fell asleep." A hand smooths down my back, shaking me awake. As my brain finally catches up to what's happening, my eyes fly open and I jerk up. We fell asleep, we, me and Austin. Austin and me. Alone. "Easy." He's voice is soft, calm. The room is dark, meaning we've been sleeping for a few hours now, since it was daylight when we got here. I can see the sparkle of his blue eyes in the moonlight coming through the huge windows, barley being able to make out his features in the dim light. "I'm sorry" Austin smiles shaking his head, causing my body to relax a bit, but I'm still on high alert.

Looking around for my phone , I get it out of my purse, that was laying on the ground. Quickly opening the home app and turning on the lights, causing the both of us to squint our eyes in an attempt to get used to the bright room. Austin looks heavenly, with his eyes still a bit sleepy and hair disheveled. "I'm sorry." I say again, looking at my lap and fiddling with my fingers, picking at the skin there, a bad habit of mine.

He takes my hands in his, stopping my assault on my poor fingers and forcing me to look at him. "Hey, it's ok, as long as you feel better, all's good" I nod sighing at the memory of what brought us here. "I should've just taken the stupid picture with him." I say, thinking I could've easily done that and spared myself a lot of trouble. "No, you shouldn't have, people need to understand boundaries, you were nice and offered to sign something instead, he was the dick. Excuse my language." I giggle at the fact that he just excused himself for cursing. "It's ok. Yeah I guess you're right, but still." Shrugging my shoulders, I move my eyes from his face to my lap, where our hands are intertwined.

"No, stop that, it wasn't your fault and he should've been more respectful. What a perv, that's not the way you talk to a girl, to anyone for that matter." Austin is visibly still annoyed by the dude's behavior and that somehow gets my heart to pick up, beating faster in my chest. I don't know why, but seeing him care like this, just make me feel a certain type of way. Cared for? Protected? Maybe, I guess. Ugh I try to keep my mind straight and find parallels between him and Timmy, forcing myself to draw a line between friends and something more, because I know it's all in my head. I know he couldn't possibly find me attractive and even if he did, there's still so many reasons why this is wrong.

"He wasn't lying tho. About the pictures. They were for the movie. Um ... in the book, Amelia is challenged by this group of girls to take pictures of herself in lingerie and post them online. I agreed to them back then, but I'm starting to regret it now. People are sick in the head." He listens to me talk as his warm callused fingers draw circles over my hands. "Doesn't matter the context of the photos. Dude was way out of line." Austin assures me. I know that, I do. When I first took the pictures, that was the first time I saw myself a sensual person, the pictures looked good, nothing too exposing and I was beautiful in them. It's awful that the dirty mind of others had to tint that for me. The photos never bothered me, it was other people seeing them, that got me stressing out.

I look over at the clock on the wall, seeing it's 8:40 pm, late, but not too late. "Um do you want dinner or something? Or if you want to go I can call my driver to come take you back to your hotel." Was asking him to stay for dinner again, too much? Am I being inappropriate? Ugh I wish this was easier, but it's not. I don't even want to think about all the gossip that's probably going around. I'm sure if I opened my instagram right now, I'd be bombarded with pictures and comments. "Sure, if it's ok with you, I can stay for dinner." Austin answers, leaving me completely clueless about what this thing between us is supposed to be and when too much is too much.

"Ok, we can order something, what do you want?" I ask as I take my hands out of his and fight the urge to wince at the cold air hitting my skin once out of his flaming hot hands. "I'm fine with whatever, maybe we can do pizza? Or if you don't feel like ordering what would you say to some grilled cheese sandwiches?" He suggests.

"Damn I think I'd kill for one right now, Timmy makes the best" Austin giggles at me, brushing his hair back with his hands. As I move around on the couch, I notice his jacket still hanging over me like a blanket. "Well then I'll take that as a challenge. Can I?" He asks pointing in the direction of the kitchen and I nod biting my lip to stop the cheeky smile making it's way onto my face. I swear I'm acting so strange around him, almost like all the filters I usually put up in order to seem a bit more tame are just crumbling with him. And don't take this like I'm usually faking how I act or shit, but usually when I meet new people I'm more reserved and anxious, shy even, but there has almost been none of that with him. It's like we've known each other for a life time now, old friends.

Austin gets up from the couch and I do the same, taking my phone and following him into the kitchen, where he starts looking through the fridge, taking out everything he needs. I go over to the cabinet where I keep the cat food and fill their bowls, the two little angles coming to feast. "Good boys" I praise them petting their soft fur, feeling the vibrations of their purring.

Sitting down at the kitchen island, I watch as Austin moves gracefully around the place, preparing the food. He looks so in his element, it's clear that his passionate about cooking. Opening my phone I can't fight the urge to go on instagram, immediately seeing the thousands of posts about me and Austin. Pictures of me and him walking, laughing and eating. We look so good together. 'Oh my god, stop that' I scold myself, rolling my eyes at how delusional I can be. I also make the mistake to look at the comments. 90% of them are calling him a cheater and me shameless, for going after another girls boyfriend. That's actually the first time in a long while that I think of Kaia. My hands start sweating profusely and I swallow trying to make the sudden tightness in my throat go away.

"Everything ok?" Austin asks taking me out of my thoughts. I clear my throat and lick my lips, avoiding the way his eyes linger over them. "Austin does Kaia know that you're here?" I don't know how her knowing would change much, I guess in the end it would ease my mind a bit. And all that matters is that us three know the truth, that nothing is going on, the rest, can and will be ignored. He looks at me with a puzzled look, like he doesn't see my question relevant. "Yeah she does, I guess, I don't know, we don't tell each other everything."

What am I supposed to gather from that? Like what am I to make of him saying things like that? Pointing to his relationship being fake or at most not serious. It's not new or unheard of, PR stunts like this, but still. "Why?" He follows, curious to see why I'd bring that up now. "Because we were photographed together, alone, for a second time. I know it's nothing, but I don't want Kaia to get the wrong impression." He's cutting up some cheese to put in the sandwich as I speak.

"We're just friends, she knows and we don't keep tabs on each other." I nod, just friends, but the way his tone sounds - defensive, almost worries me and I can't stop the words before they come out of my mouth. "Are you two PR?" He whips his head up, looking at me and I avert my eyes. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to assume, but it's just the way you talk about the whole thing-" he sighs, stopping me mid rambling. I look at him. "We are, but I want you to know I was against it. I believe relationships are sacred and this is just..." he pauses a second. "Just not that."

Ok I don't know what to say, what am I supposed to say? I can't say I'm sorry. He works on the food as silence fills the kitchen, tension so thick you could cut it with a knife. I look at my phone, trying to occupy myself with something and I see the texts from Timmy, he must of seen the pictures as well.

Timmy💝:

Hey, today went great, I'm pretty tired so I'll probably be out cold for the rest of the day, call me tomorrow when you wake.

I smile happy to hear that his work was going great and relieved that he hasn't seen the photos yet. "Please say something!" I look up at Austin, who's eyes watch me back pleading. My mouth opens and closes, not sure what to say. Looking down he turns around to face the stove and puts the sandwiches in the pan, to cook. "I don't think less of you Austin, it's not even my business to know the insides of your relationship. I talked before thinking." He turns back at me, prompting himself on his hands, that are balled into tight fists against the black marble of the counter. "I'm not used to being the talk of everything. I knew when I got the role, it'll be like this, I almost wished I didn't get it, because of how afraid I was of all this. Then my team goes completely nuts and they have me do all these things, to arouse interest. I ruined my 10 year old relationship because of this." He stops to flip the sandwiches, quickly turning to face me.

"She, Vanessa, she tried to tell me, that it'll all get too much, that I should be cautious, but I got angry with her and we started bickering and then I was in Australia filming and we decided maybe a break would help. The next thing I know it's been months since talking and then they come to me with this." I get up and move over to him, hugging him, as he rests his head on top of mine. Austin relaxes, moving his arms to hug me back.

We hug for a while, but he takes one of his arms away at one point to turn off the stove, so the food doesn't burn. From where I'm sitting with my cheek against the soft fabric of his denim shirt, I can hear his strong heart beating and I can feel each breath he takes. "I understand how overwhelming it all can be, I'm lucky to be working with a team that understands my boundaries, but still I'm young and still at the beginning, so in the future who knows, what prepositions they might make. You are an incredible person, I can tell. I'm sure if you would take the time to apologize to her she'll understand."

"You have no idea how good it feels to have someone know about this, I haven't told anyone, I don't know why I told you, but I trust you. Feels like I've known you a lifetime." Austin's voice is low and it sends shivers down my spine as his words seep into my heart, warming it. My insides feel light and my mind cloudy, the proximity of him, suddenly being too much. The way he smells, like oranges and cloves, the way his muscles flex around me, the way his breath fans over the hair on top of my head, the way his chin rests on my head. Everything, everything is all too much. My brain can barely form coherent thoughts, in order to force me to keep my feet on the ground. I wish I could explain everything to myself, so that maybe I could find a way to deal with all these emotions. There's a magnetic field around Austin, something so enticing and scary at the same time, but the electric current cursing through my body when I'm close to him is addicting. Dangerously addicting. "Would it be weird if I said that I feel the same?" I ask cautious.

Austin's arms tighten around me, in a silent way of saying 'No, it's not'. "I don't think she wants my forgiveness and I don't know what that would do for us, she's with someone else and I no longer think of her like that. I still love her, I do, but not the same way I used to." I pull away an inch so I can look up at him, sparkling blue eyes, staring into mine.

"But wouldn't you feel better knowing that you did right by her?" He seems to think over what I just said. "I guess you're right, I owe her that and myself a bit." We break apart and I go to take out two plates for us to eat on. He places the sandwiches on each pate and we grab them, moving over to the living room. As I sit down on the couch I notice his eyes looking somewhere behind me and following his gaze my eyes land on my guitar. "I've had it since I was 8, I saved up money for it and bought it second hand. A few years ago I had it taken into a shop to be reconditioned, but I specifically asked for my Hannah Montana stickers to stay on, so they put something over them to preserve them."

Austin chuckles lightly at me talking about my old guitar. I put the plate down on the coffee table and get up to pick up the guitar. "Play something, can I hear an original?" He asks. I'm a bit reluctant about sharing any of my songs before the album is completely done, but I guess I could make an exception for him. "Ok, but you haven't heard anything, got it? Otherwise..." I motion slicing my throat and he laughs, at my silliness.

I touch the cords with the pads of my fingers and play an easy progression, trying to buy time to about which song I want to play him. "There was a time, when I was alone, with nowhere to go and no place to call home..." my voice sings as I close my eyes, getting lost in the meaning of the song. "Lost boy" is a sweet song I wrote drawing inspiration form the story of Peter Pan and how when I was young I used to dream of going to Neverland, thinking there I wouldn't feel so alone. "...I am a lost boy, from Neverland, usually hanging out with Peter Pan." I keep going.

The feeling of loneliness is one I've grown to know to be a good friend, always my companion. No matter how many people I surround myself with, there are few times I don't feel alone. So far not much has been able to push that feeling away, not Timmy, not Roxanne, not my cats, not my therapist, who I'm definitely overpaying. "...And lost boys, like me are free" sighing I finish the song and put the guitar next to me on the couch.

"You wrote that?" I nod my head, taking a small bite of the sandwich, enjoying the savory taste of it, it has the perfect amount of cheese. "It's beautiful, but it seems so sad." I can read the pity in Austin's voice, but I push that away, trying not to get caught up. "Yeah, I guess... but just, I don't know." I don't know how to explain myself, because no matter how close I feel to him, he's still just a stranger to me. "You don't need to explain, I get it, kind of." A weak smile makes it's way onto my lips, as he gestures assuring me, there's no need to explain myself.

We sit in silence, eating and when we're done, he takes the plates to the kitchen, to put them in the dishwasher. By now 10pm is rolling around and I know he has to leave soon, but I kind of wish this day would never end. As Austin comes back, I move over to my huge record collection to place my latest acquisitions. "Are you busy tomorrow?" Austin asks, making me whip my head around quickly. "Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't think we'll get to see each other before you leave New York, I have lots to do." He nods sitting down.

"Well I guess I should go, it was nice spending time with you. Let's keep in touch?" Austin proposes. I know I should probably say 'sure, why not' just so I could ghost him and move on, but my tongue moves before my brain gets a chance to fight it. "Yeah, of course. Um come on, I'll walk you out." He smiles brightly at me and we walk over to the door.

I wait for him to put his shoes back on and then his jacket. One of his long fingers pushes the call button for the elevator. As we wait, he looks me over, from head to toe and just before the ding of the elevator is heard, he opens his mouth to say something, but he never does. Instead he comes closer and kisses my cheek. Austin's plush pink lips, warm and wet against my skin. I'm frozen, moving a hand to his chest to prompt myself. "Goodnight (y/n)!" Has my name ever sounded so obscene? No. Has my heart ever skipped the way it just did? No.

Austin gets into the elevator and before the doors close, I mumble I quick 'goodnight', the last thing that I see being his bright smile as he chuckles shaking his head. When the door close and all that's left of him is the smell of his cologne, I touch my cheek, a ghost of his kiss still lingering there.

After forever sat in the entryway, eyes glued to those goddamn doors, like if I looked for long enough or hard enough, they would open to reveal him again. My shoulders slump as I realize how stupid I am being right now, so instead of shaming myself further I go to my room to get ready for sleep.

The getting ready part was easy, falling asleep? Different story. I'm tossing and turning, throwing fists at my innocent covers. Sighing I turn on my bed side lamp, taking my journal and pen. Putting the date down:

Feb 27th 2022

I can't seem to quiet my mind and it feels like my skin is burning for something, if I were to be honest right now I might know what it is I'm longing for. It's him... it just feels too real for it to be just in my head, he must of felt it too. Right? He's just so handsome, but there's more than surface beauty to him, there's a warmth within his soul. I know it, because I've met beautiful men and women before, but neither of them ever left me like this. I can't even find a word to describe myself right now - a mixture of too many feelings, good and bad. Should I just bite my heart and do what I do best? Put it in a song? But how would that sound? A love song for him? About him?

Tapping the pen against my chin, I take a moment to think. It needs to be a song that's not to obvious, something that could be about anyone. I just have to be vague, no mentioning his blue eyes, or honey blonde hair, or those god forsaken plump lips. Think about what I like that could be anyone else's, not just his. I really love the way he says my name, the way he wears himself, the way he looks at me. Putting pen to paper again, I start scribbling.

Maybe it's the way you say my name

Maybe it's the way you move around play your game

But it's so good

I've never felt like this before known anybody like you

Ok this sounds like it could be going somewhere, but I need to be at the piano. Jumping out of bed I rush to get the song playing through the room. Sitting down at my piano, looking over the shiny New York, I play a melody, singing my lyrics over it. "I'm in a field of dandelions, wishing on everyone that you were mine." I sing, getting lost in the music. This is my first ever love song. Love... is this really what I'm doing? Falling in love? I blink at the piano keys, my fingers stuck. Picking the pen up, I go to write down the lyrics, scratching over some of the words and replacing them with others.

Taking a deep breath I keep on playing, singing, then writing down the lyrics. By the time the song feels done, I glance at the clock, it's 3:50 am. Cursing at myself, I close my eyes, rubbing harshly at them. I need to be in the studio at 8am, so if I fall asleep now I might get 3 good hours of sleep, so I carry my heavy feet over to my bedroom, falling on the soft bed. By some miracle I do fall asleep, thankfully a dreamless sleep, so 3 hours later when my alarm wakes me up, as angry as I am at it, I'm actually excited to be in the studio and show Jack the new song.

Taking a quick shower, dressing casually in a pair of black jeans, with a simple cotton long sleeve shirt, in a cream color and a dark green teddy bear jacket on top, cause today feels colder than yesterday. Gathering my things, I feed Simba and William and after a small session of sharing kisses with them, I leave. "Morning, miss!" Matthew, my diver, smiles at me, holding the car door open. "Morning Matt, did you have a good weekend?" I like to make sure that the people who work around me are happy and know they can trust me to understand their needs as well as they understand mine. We make small talk on the way to the studio, but I can't help fidgeting in my seat, so when we get to the studio I almost burst through the door.

"Jack I just wrote a song, you need to hear" he giggles at my enthusiasm as I pull my notebook out, sitting down at the piano without even taking my jacket off. After I play him the song I turn to him expectedly. "Wow, a love song? That's new, anyone in particular?" Jack winks at me, sitting down at the computer, working around to start on the record. "N-no n-no one." He chuckles slightly at my stammering. I choose to ignore it and finally taking off my jacket, I start working with him.

Four hours later, the song is almost done, but I have to run for a photo shoot I need to do with Prada, for some of their new collection. Saying my goodbyes to Jack, I put my glasses on and add a beanie, hoping to not be recognized, but it's useless, a sea of paparazzi already waiting out for me. "(Y/n) are you with Butler?" "Is he cheating on Kaia?" "Don't you think he's too old for you?" "What were you recording?" "Should we expect an album?"

I avoid all questions and get into my car, telling Matt to drive away so we can get there in time, I still need to make it to that 3pm lunch with Joshua, which speaking of I should check if he send me the place where he'd like to meet. Opening my dms I find myself smiling the notification next to his name.

joshuatbassett:

Morning, what do you think of this place: location. It's my favorite in NY!

y/n4real.2002

Never been, but it works for me. See you at 3?

joshuatbassett:

Sure thing, can't wait 💟

y/n4real.2002:

Me neither, c u ❣️

I can't fight the blush in my cheeks and I swing my feel around like a school girl, squirming in my seat. "Good news?" Matt asks looking over at me in the rear view mirror. "Yeah" I say, pushing some hair behind my ear and looking out the window, already running in my head the different scenarios of how this could work. Since his first dm, I've been looking into him a bit and I do have to say I'm extremely smitten by him. Also I can't get his song out of my head and I've been slowly writing a song opposite to his, a different way of loving, or better yet not loving.

that.gossip.blog

Liked by fan23, hate2 and 503.382others

that.gossip.blog: y/n4real.2002 leaving the studio early this morning, after a session with jackantonoff. Now that could mean one or two things, she's either working on more original songs or she's working on something for taylorswift again. People who were there report, that she avoided all paparazzi questions and when asked about the relationship with Butler, she had no reaction, so that topic also remains a mystery.

View all comments

fan34: omg omg I'm telling you, it's an album, she must be working on an album.

↳fan2: for sure, she has to be.

↳tsfan13: an album from her would be a dream, she's Taylor's kid

hater2: ofc she would avoid questions about him 🙄

↳fan3: I don't see why she owes any expectations

↳kaiafan4: um maybe cause he's taken?

↳fan039: they were just on a walk, can we chill?

ts13fan26: I choose to clown, for Speak Now (TV) 🤡

↳caTs.fan: right there with you 🤡🤝🤡

abfan2: can we just drop this narrative that makes them both look like horrible people? We know them for gods sake

↳hater45: do we? Cause we know what the choose to tell.

↳abfan021: I choose the benefit of the doubt

After some very long hours of taking photos in tight clothes, contorting myself in all strange positions, I'm done. The make up team is working on taking off the glam as I shoot Timmy a quick text.

Me:

Can I call you in 20? I forgot this morning sry😬😬

Timmy💝:

Yeah sure, no worries, I know you're busy.

Changing my green jacket for a black blazer, as it's much warmer now, then it was in the morning, I hop in the car and tell Matt to drive to the small restaurant where Joshua said he'd meet me. I take my phone out and call Timmy, his voice coming through the other end only after the first ring. "Hi there Tim!" I smile, happy to be talking to him. "Listen you know I love you and I trust you, I choose to not get into detail about those pictures, I just need to know, are you ok?" He asks and I swallow thickly. "Yeah I am, we are just friends, he asked me to show him around a bit, I took him to Frank's store." Timmy chuckles lightly, making me calm down a bit. "I trust you honey and in a way I think I trust him too. Happy to hear you're ok, you sound it even." I'm surprised by his statement. "I do?"

"Yeah, I can't tell you, but your voice has that jovial tone I haven't herd in a minute." My eyes gloss over with tears and I giggle. "Thanks! I'm on my way to meet Joshua, I'm nervous! How was work? Is it scary?" I shoot question after question, making him laugh. "Slow down, glad to hear you're nervous about your date, calm down it'll be fine. Yes, work has been great, it's definitely darker then I expected, but I think I've got this." I listen to him talk as he gets more into detail about filming. "That's sounds amazing, but I still miss you lots, gotta go now, I'm almost at the restaurant." Timmy shuffles around, causing some static to come through. "Ok, good luck, be safe and be yourself. Love you!"

"Love you too" I end the call and get out of the car, smiling at the fact that Joshua is already here, bouncing one leg up and down, reading a newspaper. "Hello, nice to meet you, hope I'm not late!" I say apologetic, as his eyes shoot up at me, a smile spreading on his face. Joshua gets up, sitting only a few inches taller then me. "N-no you're right on time, please!" He shows me the empty seat in front of him.

I sit down and he hands me a blue cap. Shooting him a quizzing look, he laughs nervously, placing a matching one on his head. "Thought we could try and pull a Steve Rogers, cap to not be recognized?" I put the cap on and laugh at his marvel reference. "Well that's a good idea. I take it you like marvel?" I ask looking over the menu. "Yeah, I do, but I'm not really over Endgame yet." We share a laugh. "Neither am I" I say scrunching my nose up.

A sweet girl comes over to take our order and we seem to be straight on the same page as we order the same thing, without even knowing. "So what's new in the papers? I don't think I've seen one in a minute." He chuckles, brushing back some of his chocolate curls, handing me the newspaper. "Nothing much, the news is pretty boring, too much politics and all, but it gives me so to do without looking at my phone." I read one of the titles, dropping the paper, the latest football scandal not being my cup of tea.

"So do you like New York?" I ask, sipping some coffee the waiters just brought over. "Yes I do, I'm actually looking for a place to buy here, lately California has been too much, LA just doesn't do it for me anymore" his brown eyes glimmer and I can't help but get lost in the depth of them. "If you ask me New York is the best, something new to do at all times and people rarely care to look around, so it's easy to get lost in the crowd." He smiles at me, thanking the waitress for the food without taking his eyes off of me. "You'll have to show me, cause I do agree with you, but I haven't spent much time in New York. Any place you love, that's like a secret?"

I giggle, eating some of the pasta I ordered. "Well if I told you it wouldn't be a secret anymore, would it?" Joshua shakes his head adjusting the hat on his head, eating a bit as well. "Could be our secret." He says looking at me. I blush like crazy and look down, his stare too much for me. I can't ignore the way my heart skips a beat, or the way my breath get caught in the back of my throat. "Could be." I mumble, looking at him through my lashes. A blush appears on his round cheeks, as he wiggles around in his seat.

"You look beautiful today by the way, not that you don't look beautiful every day, but-" "Thank you" I giggle at his sweet demeanor, a blush creeping up on both of our cheeks now. He let's out a little laugh as well and we both break into hysterics over how we're both acting, like two little kids. "So I think I should tell you the concept for the video" Joshua adds and I nod. "Well this song was inspired by my parents, they were highschool sweethearts, so I was thinking we could play them in the video." I watch as he goes on to tell me about how the whole thing would play out, starting with me walking down the aisle at our wedding and then cutting into a montage of memories from the past, how we met, our prom, graduation, every little thing that led up to us ending at the altar.

"That's so beautiful, I'd be honored to do it. I'm happy you thought of me for this." Licking his lips, they stretch out into a bright smile. "I know it might of seemed a bit out of the blue, but I've been a fan for a while and this song means a lot to me, so I thought: it's now or never Josh" he scratches the back of his head, snickering at himself. "This pasta is really good, I've never been here before." I say looking around the small restaurant. The place is almost too small to be called a restaurant, a hew tables inside and a few outside where we're sat. The early spring is starting to make it's away in New York, the shy sunshine giving everything a beautiful glow. "I found it a year ago I think, I had a few gigs to play here in New York and one of my band mates told me about this place." I wipe my lips with a tissue before speaking. "It's nice, not very common for the upper east side, I'll be for sure coming back"

We eat together, talking about little nothings, making small conversation, laughing here and there. Soon enough an hour has past but it barely feels like I've been here a minute. I haven't felt this good in a minute, like there's no worry in the world and no pressure. It doesn't matter if we get photographed together, doesn't matter if we waste too much time, nothing matters, just us. "Hang on" he leans over the table and brushes some of my hair out of my face, lifting the cap off of my head, surprising me with a small kiss, on the top of my forehead. He sits back down, blushing profusely as I'm still a bit starstruck. "That was-" "lovely" we talk over each other and our eyes meet, getting stuck.

I can feel myself leaning closer to him, still staring into his eyes, mesmerized by the dark chocolate color of them. I never knew I'd find brown eyes to be beautiful, but right now I do. Being so close to him I can smell the faint perfume of his cologne, young and bold, a bit minty with some flower undertones, very different from Austin's, dark musky scent. Before I can get any closer, my phone rings, pulling us out of the trance we've been stuck into. "Sorry" I mumble before answering Levis, my assistant.

"Hi I'm at your place, are you on your way? I want to give you the scripts I have and go over some more scheduling for the upcoming month." I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose, I completely forgot about him coming over. Looking at my watch, I'm only 30 minutes late. "I'll be there in 30, please excuse me!" Levis assures me that's all fine and I put my phone in my bag, after texting Matt to bring the car around. "I have to go, have your assistant email mine. I loved having lunch with you, Josh" I say pushing him, the card for my assistant.

"I had a good time as well." We both get up and share a tight hug. I allow myself to breathe in his scent, and I can't help but notice he does the same. As we pull apart, our hands linger over each other. "Give me your phone." I say and he complies. I quickly put my number in, naming the contact (Y/n)💟. Giving him the phone back, he sucks in a breath, noticing the emoji I used. "I guess it's our thing now, the Purple Heart?" Joshua asks tilting his head. "I guess so."

"Well I'm happy, cause I didn't know if this would be too much" he says, before searching in the pockets of his coat, pulling out a small velvet bag. "Give me your hand" he says and I put my hand forward, his fingers working on opening the little bag and then turning it upside down he shakes it softly. Something small and silver lands in my hand and he put the velvet bag away, taking the thing, that I now see it's a bracelet, out of the palm of my hand. "Allow me, please" he says.

I lift the sleeve of my blazer slightly and he puts the bracelet on. It's a dainty silver chain with a Purple Heart. The jewelry sits nicely on my wrist and I can't help the way my heart stops in it's tracks. I look up at him wide eyed and throw my arms around his neck, holding him tight. "Thank you, I love it." I say and give his cheek a small kiss. Joshua's hands go to my waist holding me tight to him. "You're very welcome, honey" the pet name, makes my knees buckle, as I snuggle my face further into his neck. "I have to go, I'm sorry."

He shakes his head, bringing his hands up to my face. "Don't be, I'll call you tomorrow, would that be ok?" Joshua asks. "Yes it would" I smile and pull away from him, when Matt stops the car next to us. I give him one more look and blow him a kiss, getting in the car. He fakes catching the kiss against his heart, making me laugh.

Matt drives away and I look at Joshua through the tinted windows. I'm smiling like crazy and I feel butterflies in my stomach. It's so strange, what's going on with me, getting so easily swept away by these men. Am I going insane? Probably, although there's this small voice in the back of my head, saying I'm just growing up and allowing myself to feel these things for once. "Did you have a good time, miss?" Matt asks me, being the nice person he's always been. "Yeah I did actually, he seems nice doesn't he?" I fiddle with the bracelet around my wrist, the slight cold of the metal being a comforting sensation. "He does miss, did he get that for you?" He says noticing the bracelet and I nod, lifting my arm up, to show him better. "It suits you, he's got taste." Here I can agree with Matt, once more, he does have nice taste, the jewelry really fits my personality and the fact that he thought about it, from our dms, it leaves me flabbergasted.

When we get back to my place, Matt and I ride the elevator together, meeting Levis in my entryway, talking on the phone. "You could've made yourself at home, Levis, you know that" I say going over to the fridge to get the water pitcher, picking two glasses as well. "Come on!" I move my head in the direction of the study as Matt, goes to his office that he has here. "Ok what have you got for me!" I say excited.

He sits down in front of me at the desk. "So these are some scripts I thought you'd like, a movie called "The in between" for Netflix, a small part on stranger things, and some more movies. I'm waiting on something exciting though, but it's still in the 'maybe' trails so there's no script." I listen closely taking the papers he hands down to me. "Next I have here your schedule for the month and I'm waiting on Joshua's assistant to email me about when the music video will shoot and where. I also have people calling me nonstop from different publications, that want you to give statements about new music and relationships" he winces at the last part as I sigh, taking off my blazer and sinking further into the chair. "Sorry, I know, don't worry I've refused them all for now, but-"

"But at one point I'll have to speak with them, I know, but let's get them after the Oscars so I can work some more on music for the next two weeks, everything after the awards will be hectic, no matter the outcome" he nods, taking down notes. "Ok tomorrow you have the first fitting, Chanel will dress you right?" Levis asks, to make sure he's got everything down. "Yeah, I want something classic and comfy." He puts that down in his planer as well. And we go like that for the next few hours and then I go to change and get ready to start on some of those audition tapes.

When my tired body finally melts into the marshmallow mattress, I'm left torn in between all these feelings. When I close my eyes I see Austin's blue eyes, piercing into mine, I still feel the ghost of his kiss on my cheek. And then when everything becomes too much, too real, I turn around in bed and I get a whiff of Joshua's scent, the ridiculous imaginary weight of the dainty bracelet, holding my right hand down. My heart beats too fast and I barely catch my breath, it feels like I'm running, when I'm just in bed, dreaming about two people, two very different people, because one could be my calm and ease and the other could be my adrenaline and euphoria. One of them is allowed and the other is well....forbidden

Tags: @kittenlittle24 @amorx @cryingabtab @lexicox044 @lrissa @feral4austinbutler @sageskywalker @jesssssicaa @rainydayz101 @flwersgarden @bobthefishiesworld @captured-memory @homebodybirkin2003 @galaxygirl453 @butlerslut @chrisevansgirl34 @myradiaz @pennyroyalcreep @macey234 @im-lame-irl @lordandmistress @the-girl-wh0-cries-w0lf @poppet05 @gabbywontlose @4shbug @0-thegoodwitch-0 @hauntedarchivesx @chewiethecatus @sunnyx07 @francesbloomer @jessaroni19 @finelineskies @stargirlbytheweeknd @cerenaydins-blog @girlblogger2002 @gigisworldsstuff @my-baexht-Is @xmusselisims @denised916 @bluepeacheslandia @kibumslatina @samaraannhan20 @goldobsessionworld @silliypapercreatorangle @cmrxac @donnamarie23 @justarandomfamdomblog @marlowmode @natsnosehair @xxgggooomm @banksmars @namoreno @areuirish @choppedlamphandscowboy @yeetfack-blog

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fatimaah · 4 months

Text

What a pretty day-

with so much left to say

What am I to do at school now? The lessons are over and I'm sitting in girls' locker room surrounded by stupid 8graders not knowing where to go.

It's noisy outside. Some little guys are playing football as I sit on the bench feeling soft wind swinging my hijab, I love the weather rn. My friends are at that stupid rehearsal. Honestly I want then to have a perfect 25th of May and create sweet memories (especially girlies that are dancing w their crushes) but I wish they weren't busy with all the rehearsals and everything. Especially assy and frz, they both look tired and are barely paying attention. At least kmll cares about cooking day and everything.

Well... for me, cooking day and a picnic is all that will remain from school since I'm not taking part in prom and photoshoot. So I really wish we will do it. It would be sad if we didn't do that, I hope it means something for others as well. AND I HOPE THEY WON'T BUY FUCKING KFC HAHA (I know they won't)

Oh this the last time I'm staying after classes. Tomorrow they will all be busy again and I'll be left alone in this fucking school. Not everything is that bad tho....at least the sun is up right?

Uuuugghh I could be at home rn (I'd probably be helping my mom with lunch preparation but still....)

This spring breathe is so... soothing

maybe I'll read something....or talk to someone or find any other way of killing the boredom.

edit:

This bitch really made us stay after lessons for an hour and then line up on the school yard just to tell us NINE WORDS? HELLO? she could text us at school group or something I was literally so mad at her. Had an urge to lock her in our basement and force her to listen to her very own speech until she faints from starvation. SHE IS SUPER ANNOYING I CAN'T EVEN-

and plus, after that, even if I was already pissed of loneliness and annoyment MY FUCKING BROTHER went missing for 30 minutes and I waited for him ready to shoot myself because why should I wait for this MENTALLY DISABLED SHRIMP to go home when I could just call a taxi and go without him. I swear, I just wanted to catch a taxi and go home but I knew my mom would be like OmG aLL aLonE HoW cOulD yOu, GivE mE yoUr pHone . So I waited, trying to look normal tho I felt this awful lump in my throat and urge to MURDER.

literally such a bad day.

And now I just realized how I'm missing out on a lot because I don't even have group photos with my friends. I don't even remember when was the last time all five of us were like laughing and everything.... probably that day at the dance club.

Perhaps it's my fault cuz I'm mostly sitting with firuza and sleeping during lessons.... honestly I would love to sit with them as well but all of them already go in pairs and I don't wanna be the one who's always like CaN I siT wiTh YoU? I don't wanna be clingy but I know I'll regret not being energetic for last five days of school. It just feels like, idk, like they're already having fun at the waltz rehearsals and they don't seem so encouraged about things, especially frzn and assy. That's sad. If it was allowed to dance w the boys I'd dance too just to spend some quality time w the gurls during rehearsals...

Do I really believe we will keep in touch with them after school? For some time yes sure but for long turn.... maybe there's a little bit of chance I'll still talk to kmll but I'm worried that as the time goes, frzn and assy will just stop responding to my messages. It's wrong to think so...but I'm already loosing connection with them. How can I be sure about any connection after school.

History repeats itself...will it all end up in redbridge way..or is it me being out of touch and distancing myself again (I don't do it on purpose I don't even know how this happens all the time)

Okay I'm being a drama queen, it's not that bad but I just wish we spent more time together but I don't wanna be clingy and awkward and over energetic or attention seeking or- UUUGHH

just sleep already Fatimah, u did ur Arabic and Quran studies and u decorated a memory notebook....u just need some sleep.

Probably. Most probably 🥱

May 20, 2024

#thoughts

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justmorebtsffs · 1 year

Text

Love Yourself | Jikook

This is the first time I'm writing for Jikook. Wish me luck.

Summary: When comments from antis send Jimin's mental and physical health into a downwards spiral Jungkook is there to catch him. Angst then fluff with a happy ending.

Sickie: Park Jimin (Snow Leopard hybrid, not really that big a part of the story, hardly mentioned actually but I couldn’t think of another reason why anyone would make fun of Jimin, he’s just so pretty.)

Caretaker: Jungkook

WARNING: This is a whole 19 albeit short chapter fic so it is very long

JIMIN’S P.O.V

It’s our day off and we’ve gathered around the table to watch a fan cover of The Truth Untold that Tae said was really good.

The fan is a female k-army, under the username ARMY-BLINK💜. Her voice is beautiful and I agree that we should definitely like the video and leave a nice anonymous comment. Tae scrolls down to the comments to type out our compliments when I see it:

@anti1357 - wow ARMY-BLINK💜, this cover is so good, especially Jimin’s part you sing some much better, you should take his place

I look away, and focus on listening to the cover again, ignoring it.

—

Jin hyung makes a delicious dinner as usual and we all eat together, but I can’t stop thinking about that comment. Of course I know about antis but I can’t believe someone would write something so rude, I mean they don’t even know if we’re going to see it.

When it’s time to go to bed Kook and I head off to our room.

“You’ve been quiet, Minnie. Something on your mind?” Kook asks, hugging me from behind as I brush my teeth.

I finally answer “No, just tired.”

He seems to accept this and heads to bed, I join him soon after.

—

I can’t sleep, do people really think I’m that bad? I have to know.

Releasing myself from Kook’s grip (not an easy feat) I open my phone and find the video, scrolling straight to the comments section. The comment is still there but now it has a reply . . . several in fact.

@anti1357 - wow ARMY-BLINK💜, this cover is so good, especially Jimin’s part you sing some much better, you should take his place

> @hybrid-hater - totally! This song is actually great without that ugly hybrid.

> > @btsucks - yeah and people say he’s the visuals, ugh! 🤮

> > > @Jimin-has-no-jams - ikr freak! 🐈🤡

I look at more comments, these ones from my latest selca titled: Sunny day with Jungkookie.

It’s a full body mirror photo of us with the sunny skyline visible from the balcony behind us. I was so happy when we took this but now the smile on my face feels foreign.

There are comments here too, many good but a lot negative. One from a supposedly army user catches my eye.

@Taekook4life - literally ewww! Beautiful Jeon Jungkook . . . with him, but like Jimin is soo ugly tho. And you can see the fat on him. Jungkook needs to just get with Kim Taehyung instead.

> @Jimin’s-jams - first of all that’s so rude, that’s muscle, from dancing, and I bet he can dance so much better than any of us can! so pls be quiet.

> > @OT6 - if they’re muscles from dancing then why’s he so terrible at dancing then, honestly he’s a joke, I bet Bang Pd just felt bad for him.

> > > @Solo-stan - he must have because Jimin can’t even sing that well, he is literally so whiny.

And there are more on each of our music videos, mainly about how freakish my ears and tail are, how I should hide them, how a hybrid like me belongs on a circus stage not a concert stage.

Jungkookie always says my ears and tail are cute, he wouldn’t lie to make me feel better would he? I look over at Jungkook then stand up to look in our mirror. They’re right, I am fat, how did I not notice before. What else have I missed, I put in my AirPods and click on a BTS Run dance practice episode.

It gets to a part where I start singing my lines, I wince. It does sound awful and whiny, and as I watch the dance I can’t help but notice that everyone else is so much better than me, my ears and tail swish awkwardly. At one point my unwieldy tail smacks Hobi-hyung. He laughs it off but can I see a hint of disgust in his face? Then I watch myself do aegyo to the camera, I don’t look cute at all, I look like a fool then Tae joins in with his signature boxy smile. He looks so cute and yet still supernaturally beautiful at the same time.

Jealousy courses through me, I’m an awful person for being jealous of him but how can I not be when someone as perfect as Kim Taehyung is who Jungkook deserves, not me.

I click over to our channel looking at the comments sections. Each video is only more of the same, dozens and dozens of them. I see some of the same names but mostly they're all different. Do this many people actually hate our music just because of me? How many more fans would the other members have if I wasn’t in the group? A lot. It’s my fault, I’m dragging them down, but I can’t leave the group, I’m far too selfish for that, and I hate it.

As I watch more Run Episodes I notice small things and realise something big: the other members don’t actually like me, Hoseok-Hyung is always correcting me in dance, I’m always picked last or second to last for a team and Jin always serves me last. And Jungkook, well I knew he was too good to be true.

(A/N poor baby is reading all the social cues wrong)

I know what I’ll do . . . I’ll make myself worthy.

My eyes are wet with tears as I open my notes app and start a list.

Lose weight (at least 2 kg so small portions only)

Improve singing & dancing (practise longer)

No aegyo (don’t embarrass Jungkook)

I set an alarm for 5:00 AM. I’ll start early with dance practice tomorrow.

—

My alarm vibrates at 5:00 AM. I’m exhausted from staying up so late last night but I can afford to delay my plan.

I change taking care to hide my cumbersome tail and pressing down my ears, it kind of hurts but it’s bearable. Then I get a taxi cab to the studio. It’s cold and I realise I forgot my coat. Oh well, dancing will warm me up.

—

About 90 minutes later my phone dings, I don’t need distractions but I catch a glimpse of the caller ID Kookie

I pick it up too hopefully. I shouldn’t bae hopeful, he’s probably just mad at me for leaving him. I’m such a horrible boyfriend, I make myself sick.

“Minnie! Where are you? I woke up and you were gone! No note or text or anything! Your coat’s still here, it's freezing out, you'll catch a cold.”

I listen carefully, the concern in his voice doesn’t sound superficial but I can’t be sure.

“I-I was just at the studio.”

“The studio, since when?”

“I got up at 5:00AM, don’t worry about me please. I just wanted to get a headstart on the routine.”

“Minnie, of course I’m going to worry . . . we were all worried.” Jungkook says, “Have you eaten? Please come back for breakfast, I’ll come pick you up myself. I miss you.”

Breakfast sounds wonderful right now but I remember the first item on my list. “It’s okay I’ve already eaten, I packed a snack. You don’t need to bother yourself this early, we'll just be coming right back.”

“Oh.” is all Jungkook says. My brain says he sounds disappointed but why would he be disappointed to not see me. Yet at the same time I feel like a terrible boyfriend for not spending time with him. Dancing more will surely make me feel better. Jungkook will be glad once I start losing some of this extra weight.

“Um well I’ll see you soon.” I say and hang up guiltily.

(A/N: Where HaVe you been?! Car gone, no note! You could’ve DiEd, you could’ve been SeEn!)

JUNGKOOK’S P.O.V

By the time we arrive at the studio I’m practically bouncing out of my seat with excitement to see Jiminnie. It was a nasty shock not waking up to his warm body next to me with his fuzzy tail curled around me.

I called him as soon as I found my phone and his coat which he left. On the phone he sounded weird, I don't know but definitely off, I hope he isn’t getting sick from being out in this early cold snap without a coat. He said he wanted to practise more but I don’t see why he needs to (especially at 5:00AM) when he’s already progressing fine with the moves.

When I open the door to the studio he's in the middle of the routine, we watch as he finishes it, flawlessly. He shakes his head, clearly dissatisfied and is about to start again when Namjoon-hyung clears his throat.

Minnie jumps about a metre into the air in fright. I run over and hug him, he looks pale and he has dark circles under his eyes. He’s sweaty like he’s been dancing for hours already.

What sparked all this. None of us have time to ask because the dance instructor comes in and instructs us to begin warm ups, even Jimin who is obviously very warmed up puts his all into the stretches.

I notice something though, his eyes don’t look alive like usual, they look desperate. But that’s just my imagination being overprotective. He’s fine, we all get like this sometimes.

-----

If Minnie looked worn out before practice he looks awful now. Well maybe I’m exaggerating because I’m so worried, but I mean has no one else noticed?

I walk over to Tae watching as Jimin talks to Hoseok with an almost sad expression.

“Hey Tae!” He’s on his phone

“Wha- Oh Kook! You look worried, what’s wrong?”

I step back a bit shocked, he read me so easily, maybe he can read Minnie too.

“Well, yes. Have you noticed something off about Jiminie or is it just me?”

He looks at Jimin for a moment then back to me. “He does seem tired but that is probably just from being up so early and dancing so long. I’m sure he’ll perk right up as soon as you cuddle him.”

“Yeah.” I shrug. “I guess I’m just being overprotective.

He shakes his head. “You both did very well today.”

“Thanks.” I say

JIMIN’S P.O.V

After we’re all changed from dancing it’s time for vocal practice.

I sing as well as I can, it’s still not nearly as good as the others (especially Tae) but the satisfaction I get from actually making an effort is amazing, my whole body buzzes with it.

Soon everyone’s getting up, why it’s only been . . . 2 hours. Two hours, already! I guess time flies when you’re working hard. My stomach grumbles. I look around embarrassed but nobody seems to have heard, no one is paying attention to me. I guess that’s what happens when I just put my head down and work like I’m supposed to.

I am about to get up when I remember my pact with myself. I skipped breakfast but dinner would be impossible to skip completely without the other noticing or offending Jin-hyung so I must skip lunch. I sit back down.

Jungkook lingers by the door.

“I’ll be there in a second. I just want to get this one part.” I lie.

“Come on Jungkook-ah! They're serving udon in the cafeteria today, if we go we can get in line first.” Taehyung says

Jungkook nods excitedly and hurries out the door behind him. “Bye Jiminnie!” Not sparing a glance behind him.

My face feels hot and tears well up in my eyes. I fight them down. Why should I be crying, this is what’s supposed to happen right? Jungkook deserves someone like Tae.

I push the feelings down, I’m wasting my time here doing nothing, being useless. I hit the play button for the track and get to practising. After what seems like no time at all the track stops. What? I have it on a loop.

“Park Jimin!” It’s Jin-hyung, with Namjoon-hyung right behind him. “What are you doing?”

His intensity scares me, I fight down tears again wondering why I have too, I’m not usually this weak. “I was practising hyung.” I tell him.

“Practising! Through lunch break!” Oh no I can tell he’s about to start rapping . . .

“But you need to eat, you’ve been dancing since 5:00 AM and you probably didn’t even have a proper breakfast. How disrespectful to yourself and to me not to have the food I make every morning. You won’t be healthy if you don’t eat, you'll die! Do you want to die?”

I look down “No, hyung I just was-”

The technician comes in. “Alright, I hope you had a yummy lunch, it’s time to do the test recording. We can try the beats Namjoon-ssi was talking about earlier.

Earlier, I wonder? I was so focused on my part I didn’t hear that.

JUNGKOOK’S P.O.V.

“Lunch time, yess!” Hoseok-hyung says.

I smile. It has been a long morning, from worrying about Minnie to a satisfying recording session. We all get out of our seats to head for lunch, almost all of us.

I wait by the door for Jimin, he’s still looking over his part. I wait for him to get up and I start to call his name when he notices me.

“I’ll be there in a second. I just want to get this one part.” He smiles, does it not look as bright as usual?

I want to believe him, I really do but . . .

Tae taps my shoulder, “Come on Jungkook-ah! They're serving udon in the cafeteria today, if we go we can get in line first.”

I turn, if he needs to be alone then I’ll let him. He said he won’t be long and I am excited for udon, I’ll get Jiminnie his favourite so we can share. “Bye Jiminnie!”

It’s been 15 minutes and he still hasn’t come down. I cover the food so it won’t get cold, I don’t feel like eating much anyway. Lunch is lonely without Minnie, anything is lonely without Minnie.

After 20 minutes nobody else is eating either, they’re looking at me, expectantly.

Oh. “He said he’d be down soon.”

“Hmm” says Namjoon, “Should we . . .?”

“Yeah.” agrees Jin-hyung, replying to the almost silent communication.

We pack up our leftover food and get up then all at once like a six-way-telepathy, we start running. We pass TXT, who bow. We bow back as we run.

Whe Jin opens the door, music spills out. The track. Jimin is singing his part. Flawlessly, but not beautifully. Normally when I listen to him I feel my knees going weak, and I think that maybe I can sink into the music. Now it feels empty. I feel like the sound is hollowing me out inside. I watch Jimin’s face as he sings, his expression is empty too, like his music, void of personality. He looks . . . vacant. He looks awful. I feel like I’m going to cry, seeing him like this. What happened to him? Was I too harsh this morning? He doesn’t deserve to look like this, no one does.

I watch Jin walk over to the and practically slam the pause button. He looks as upset as I feel.

“Park Jimin! What are you doing?” Jimin looks up, he looks shocked and confused, he blinks and looks around Jin-hyung to Namjoon-hyung.

“I was practising hyung.” He says, his voice sounds dry. How many times has he practised his part?

“Practising! Through lunch break!” Jin-hyung looks furious. I want to tell him to be easy on Minnie, but I’m angry too. He left me all alone for lunch. He said he’d only be a second, he lied to me, and he didn’t eat.

He looks down, I wish he’d look up so he could see the concern on my face. I hope my face is conveying the depth of it. “No, hyung I just was-”

Someone opens the door, the technician. Already? I check the time, he’s right on time, we are early. “Alright, I hope you had a yummy lunch, it’s time to do the test recording. We can try the beats Namjoon-ssi was talking about earlier.

Jimin looks confused again.

—

When we get home Jimin goes straight to bed.

I look at Jin-hyung.

“It’s okay.” he says, “He’s tired, he can have a big breakfast tomorrow, I’ll make sure of it.”

“Thanks hyungie!”

“Of course.”

JIMIN’S P.O.V.

I open my eyes, everything feels foggy and dull. The bed is cold, Jungkook isn’t here. Feelings rise up inside me and I stifle them. Why should he be here? I hardly talked to him at all yesterday. He doesn’t deserve me and I’m not doing anything to make it any easier for him.

I look at the clock, its bright red numbers glare daggers at me. 8:00! That means only an hour and a half until scheduled. I missed my morning workout! I’m so useless I can’t even keep to a simple regimen. I sigh, I can’t go now, I just have to find extra time.

I walk into the kitchen, where something smells really good. Pancakes, eggs- I feel hunger pangs, then disgust washes over me. How can I be so greedy? I resist the hunger pangs (dancing will distract me) and debate who to sit next to. All the hyungs might notice me not eating and get worried but I shouldn’t sit next to Jungkook or should I, should I try not to be so cold. Maybe then he would love me again- what a selfish thought. That leaves . . .

They see me. “Jiminnnnnie!!!” Jungkook flings himself at me. I want to tell him that he doesn’t have to pretend in front of the other members, that they would understand but he’s crushing me too tight. “You’re up! I missed you, Jin hyung made food just for you since you didn’t get lunch or breakfast yesterday!” he turns serious, “Are you feeling better?”

“Yes, I’m fine.” I realise how stiff I sound, like Yooungi in the morning and then I realise even he looks more awake than me. “I’m still groggy.” I sit down next to Taehyung and take a glass of orange juice. I can’t make myself take food I don’t deserve.

A plate is placed in front of me anyway. “Thank you hyung.” They’re trying not to be obvious but I can easily tell that they’re watching me. Slowly I force myself to eat, fighting disgust at how much I enjoy it.

Dance practice goes the same, I work as hard as I can and manage to slip away from lunch early to practise more. By the end of the day I’m exhausted. The buzzing happiness of effort has turned into a persistent ache.

Hobi bounds up to me as we’re packing up.

“Hey, since we’re already here, why don’t we just film the dance practice video now!” He says.

The others agree. I have a theory I want to test.

“Umm, hyung I’d love to but I’m really sore. Can I just lay down in one of your studios?”

“Aww, sure. Here’s the key.” Namjoon says cooing and handing me the key. His smile fades in his eyes, I can see that he’s concerned. I brush it off and turn away.

I don’t intend on going to Namjoon’s studio. I head to the gym. I’ve been dancing all day but I still feel heavy, I need to burn the extra calories from breakfast.

After working out I race back to Namjoon’s studio (it’s the first place they’ll look for me) and curl up. It feels good and I tell myself not to get used to it. I need to push myself and make myself uncomfortable if I’m going to get better at dancing and singing.

I still have a few minutes so I tune into the live stream and scroll straight to the comments section.

My experiment was to see how many likes and positive comments the other members got without me there ruining everything.

We already have millions of likes and as I keep scrolling there are only a few negative comments. Such mean things, how could anyone say that, it’s all so stupid. I want to delete everyone so none of the members think that people don’t enjoy all of their hard work.

@Taekook4life - Awww! Taekook are looking so cute together, my dreams are coming true.

> @OT6 - Yasss QUEENS! They are slaying that choreo

> > @Solo-stan - yep, it was meant to be.

Still I can’t help the despair that crashes down on me (so selfish) people clearly like the group much better without me there. There aren’t any comments asking where I am. I look around Namjoon hyung’s studio. All the awards and records and trophies, none of it’s for me, there would be more if I wasn’t around. I should leave and yet I can’t bring myself to (again selfish).

I will work hard and maybe then I can justify continuing to drag down such a talented group. I am such a horrible person.

I vaguely hear the members open the studio door, then a warm body slam down beside me, he pulls me closer. Jungkook.

“Minnnieee!” He coos, “Are you feeling better?” His voice is soft and beautiful and his touch feels warm, cosy and safe. I wish it didn’t it would make it easier to let him go. This is the closest we’ve been in two days. Why is he doing this? Could he still possible want to be friends with me? I try to move away but his grip is iron. Then he loosens it and I move over. When I look back at him he looks confused, a bit taken aback and sad. I feel so guilty that I move just a bit closer pretending to stretch out so he won’t get suspicious.

“Yeah” I say, attempting not to sound so stiff again.

JUNGKOOK’S P.O.V

The dance practice video goes smoothly but I miss Minnie, dancing is boring without him. At the very start of the video Namjoon told all the viewers that Jimin wasn’t feeling well so nobody was worried why he wasn’t there. I was worried. He’s seemed so tired the past few days.

We all go to Namjoon’s studio, and I go in first. Minie is laying on the couch curled up almost asleep but not quite. He’s so cute I begin to pull out my phone for a picture but he looks up groggily.

“Minnnieee!” I say pulling him close to me until he’s in my lap. “Are you feeling better?”

Jimin shifts in my arms, I hold him for a moment then decide if he wants to move I should let him. He scoots to the other end of the small couch. It’s not that big a distance but I’m a bit confused, he always loves sitting in my lap. I want my Mochi back.

He looks at me with an expression that I’ve never seen on him before. It’s confused but almost . . . hopeful? He moves back to me stretching his arms and legs out and rolling his neck. Ah, that’s why. I welcome him back into my arms.

He breaks the silence with a small “Yeah '' It takes a moment for me to realise he's answering my question from before.

Since practice is done for the day we leave the building to go get dinner somewhere. Minnie stays on my lap almost the entire time and he seems happier than he has in two days. I think we should watch a movie when we get back home.

JIMIN’S P.O.V

All through dinner I sit on Jungkook’s lap, greedily soaking up his attention. It’s hard but I manage to escape the hyungs’ notice by eating a few slices of bell pepper. I hate that I’m so happy when I’m with Jungkook. It’s not fair to him, he only wants to be friends after all. And I shouldn’t be this happy right now, I don’t have time. I need to focus on work.

~ T ~ I ~ M ~ E ~ ~ ~ S ~ K ~ I ~ P ~

Today is a meeting day. We’ll listen to the recording, decide if we’re happy with it, then plan the music video.

—

In the meeting room Namjoon plays the song for us. I feel dizzy and try not to swoon when it gets to Kook’s part. Then it gets to mine . . . It's okay but compared to the others it sounds amateurish. I worked so hard only for it to still sound like this, I want to cry. Everything is spinning so I put my head down on the table hoping to sink right into the wood surface.

I hear voices around me but they sound muffled like I’m underwater and everyone else is on the surface. They’re laughing. I would be too if I heard something that awful.

JUNGKOOK’S P.O.V

Namjoon presses play and I can immediately tell how good it’s going to be. When we get to Jimin’s part it’s so amazing I want to start making out with him right now. I’m so absorbed that I fall out of my chair. Everyone laughs and Tae helps me up.

“Are you just becoming Jimin now?” Namjoon asks

“Yeah, Jimin is that you?” Jin jokes

“JIMIIIINN-SSSIII!!!” Hobi shouts.

I turn to look at Jimin, his head is on the table. Everyone stops laughing.

“Minnie! What’s wrong?” I ask

“Do you feel sick?” Namjoon asks

He doesn’t look up, “Just tired. I’ll be fine”

I nod and start petting his hair.

“You’ve been tired a lot lately Minnie, are you sure you’ve been getting enough sleep? You always go to the studio so early.” Jin worries.

“Yeah I’m fine.” He says that but he doesn’t look fine at all. He looks like he’s about to cry. I’m worried.

“Heavy schedules are hard on anyone. This will get better soon. Then we can do something fun together.” Hobi says brightening the mood as always. I’m still worried. I’ve never seen Jimin like this and honestly, it scares me. But then again haven’t we all gotten a bit intense at some point. I mentally battle with myself the entire rest of the day, making sure to be extra affectionate to Minnie.

He goes back to normal as if nothing happened but I keep a close eye on him.

After the song finishes he looks thoughtfully at Namjoon. “It is great but does it really need my part though?”

“Oh. Did you want to do another part? You should have told us sooner. We could-“

“No,” I can tell that he’s choosing his words carefully, “what I mean is. Does the song really need my voice?”

“What!?” Namjoon looks very confused and I’m sure I do too.

“You’re part of this group Jimin-ah, besides we’ve already finished we can’t take it out now.” Jin says, adding a joke at the end. I swear something on Jimin’s face looks like he didn’t take it that way.

JIMIN’S P.O.V

I try to brush it off like nothing happened but the hyungs, and Jungkook are all watching me now. Great, I’ve caused trouble again. I hate this feeling. I can tell they’re all disappointed with my work but too polite to say something. I wish they would.

Next, the planning for the music video begins. We don’t do it all by ourselves but it’s good to come up with a basic outline. I already did one experiment and there were less hate comments and more likes and views without me so with this in mind I try again gently, casually suggesting, picking my words every so carefully so that they don’t realise what I’m doing. One by one I manage to either minimise or remove my parts of the music video.

Everything is going okay at least, I’m getting better in shape and somewhat improving my singing. It is a little upsetting that all my effort isn’t paying off as much as I expected because I still have a long way to but when I’m ready I start being in the music videos again. When I’m worthy of the fans.

JUNGKOOK’S P.O.V

I’m still shocked at Jimin wanting to take his part out of the song. Is he thinking about leaving the group? He would have told me . . . Right?

——

~ T ~ I ~ M ~ E ~ ~ ~ S ~ K ~ I ~ P ~

It’s been two weeks since Jimin first went to the studio early and he’s been doing it everyday since. He’s been working so hard. He’s amazing but I hardly ever get to spend time with him anymore. We are of course with each other all the time but we’re not really focusing on eachother (for me it’s hard not to focus on him) he’s been so focused on work these days and we haven’t gone on a date in so long.

Most of the time he doesn’t eat meals with us and he comes home later so tired that he ends up falling asleep on the couch. I understand working hard but this, this is too much. I miss him. I miss my mochi. (Yeah that’s right ARMY, he’s mine! Are you jealous?)

I wake up as usual, stupidly hopeful that he’ll be there, actually resting, with me. And as usual it’s only me. I head aimlessly toward the kitchen where Jin and Hobi-hyung cook breakfast. (Namjoon-hyung was banned from the kitchen years ago)

We eat together, the hyungs chat and Tae smiles sympathetically at me. I sigh trusfratedly I want to do something for Minnie. Then I get the idea.

“Hey it’s Minnie’s birthday in two days, why don’t we throw him a surprise party?”

“Yeah”

“That’s a great idea.”

“We should have enough time to get a cake made.”

The hyungs are all in agreement and the plan is set. We won’t breathe a word of this to Jimin, he’ll be so surprised.

JIMIN’S P.OV.

Two days later: 13th October (Jimin’s Birthday)

I wake up earlier than everybody else as usual. The dorm is quiet and calm and dark and lonely. I ended up sleeping on the couch again and my tail is sore and stiff. Not only from sleeping in an awkward position but from keeping it hidden it’s a necessity but still I selfishly wish i didn’t have to. Especially today, my birthday. None of the members have mentioned anything about it.

I guess they forgot. I try to be happy that I’m not distracting them or being a nuisance anymore but I can’t. I’ve barely spent any time with Jungkook since I’ve started my new regimen. He stays up late, but I stay up later and when I get back to the dorms I’m always so tired that I fall asleep in my clothes. I shower at the company gym so I don’t wake the members.

Silently I grab some clothes from my closet and then I head out. I can’t help myself from crying. I still love Jungkook so much and I know that it’s awful but I wish he’d love me even though I’m still so ugly. But I’ve gotten so much better haven’t I? So why doesn’t he love me? Then I remember that perfect, beautiful, glorious Kim Taehyung exists. I sob again.

I don’t know why I ever thought it would be a good idea to walk today. I guess I thought it would be good to clear my head today. Now I feel awful, my body feels heavy and I have the beginnings of a headache. Then I remember that this is what it’s supposed to feel like, this must be however one else feels in order to look so perfect, right? I just had to start working a bit harder.

—-

~ T ~ I ~ M ~ E ~ ~ ~ S ~ K ~ I ~ P ~

It’s been 10 minutes since dance practice was supposed to start and not one of the members has shown up yet. The ache has settled deep into my bones. They’re probably just stuck in traffic or something. I force myself to keep dancing. Just as I’m going to break down and call Jin-hyung, choreographer-nim comes in.

“Jimin-ssi I came to tell you that your schedules have been cancelled. You can go back home and rest. You should.” He says looking slightly awkward then he leaves.

I just stand there for a moment in shock. They cancelled my schedule, the company must not want me here anymore. I mean I guess I always knew that I wasn’t good enough and all my effort is too little too late but so suddenly. I feel myself sinking to the floor. Then I get up, I can’t be sitting here uselessly.

I get to work. I do the routine over and over until I find my mind drifting off to other places while my body moves. My mind drifts off to the dorm, where I want to be lying in bed . . . With Jungkook. I want him to massage my back and kiss me and tell me he loves me. I force the happy memories down.

I’m so tired and sore that I can hardly stand. I hear the click of the door opening.

JUNGKOOK’S P.O.V

I wake up and press the feeling of loneliness down. I’ll see Jimin soon.

We woke up early but I guess Jimin was earlier because he’s nowhere to be seen. It works out for us but still sends a stab of longing through me. After we eat breakfast we do the decorating and Namjoon and Jin-hyung go to pick up the cake while Hobi picks everyone’s outfits and cleans the kitchen and living room again. Yoongi, who for his part did a lot of the ecorating, sits at the table sipping his morning coffee. He’ll be fully awake in about half an hour.

When Jin and Namjoon come back with the cake they don’t let me see it. They were in charge of the design so it’ll actually be a surprise for me as well.

We should be leaving for the company by now but we got manager-nim to cancel our schedules for the day. I text Jimin and tell him to come home. He doesn’t reply so I text again. I even try calling him. I get worried then remember he probably just has his phone silenced so I call the choreographer because he’s probably still at the company today and tell him to go and tell Jimin that schedules will have been cancelled. I explain the surprise to him and he enthusiastically agrees.

15 minutes later I am still waiting. The choreographer should have told him by now, my Jimin should be home. I text the choreography and he says that he told him. I am very worried now.

“We have to find him, what if something happened?!” I shout

“What! Who?”

“Jimin.”

“Is he not at the studio?”

“I don’t know but he should be here by now.”

“Yeah, let’s go!”

We run downstairs and run to Tae’s car, somehow Namjoon-hyung ends up in the driver's seat and has to switch with Jin-hyung. We race off towards the company.

When we get inside we immediately split up, Namjoon takes the gym, Jin takes the cafeteria, Hobi and Yoongi take the bathrooms and recording rooms respectively.

I take the dance studios. I go to the room we normally use first.

I hear footsteps and throw the door open.

Jimin is dancing, he does our latest routines flawlessly, but robotically and his eyes look far away. I can only see the back of him so I watch his reflection in the mirror. He looks empty, pale with dark circles under his puffy eyes. He’s crying. I run over to him.

I wrap my arms around him, encircling him in a big hug.

“It’s okay, don’t cry, I’m here.” I whisper

He sinks into my arms as if he can’t support his own weight anymore. “Jungkook, what are you doing here?” He asks.

“Didn’t the choreographer tell you? Our schedules were cancelled today.” I ask

“Yes, but I thought It was just mine.” He explains, freeing himself of my grip.

“Why would it be just yours?” I’m really confused. He doesn’t answer.

I persist, “If you knew why you didn't come home, why did you stay here.”

“I just wanted to practise some more.”

“But Minnnnie!” My voice cracks, “you’ve been practising so much, I never get to spend time with you anymore. I miss you!” I’m crying now.

JIMIN’S P.O.V

Jungkook is crying, now I’ve really done it, I’ve made him cry. I can’t do anything right. I want to ask him if he knows about the company cutting me but my worries feel silly with him in my arms.

He’s crying and I have to comfort him. It's the least I can do. I know this is necessary but I’ve been a terrible friend.

I pet his hair and rub his back until he calms down. His grip on me is tight and I can tell he won’t be letting me go anytime soon.

“Come one Kook, let's go home.” I say, I can feel less guilty cutting my practice short because it’s for a friend.

JUNGKOOK’S P.O.V

Now I feel even worse, Jimin is clearly tired but now he has to comfort me. I make sure to keep a tight grip on Jimin so he doesn’t fall over like he looks like he could with only a single gust of wind.

I text the hyungs quickly and they drive back to the dorm. I managed to stall by telling Jimin to take a shower.

I go through his bag and realise he doesn’t have any clean clothes to change into, apparently he realises this too because I hear the bathroom door opening. He comes out shirtless, only a towel wrapped around his waist, normally I enjoy ogling at his chest but now I just stare. He’s somehow lost enough weight, you can see it. I think back to the last half month, I haven't seen him eat anything, but he must have at some point or he’d be dead by now. I let this keep me from completely spiralling out of control. Stress causes people to lose weight right? He must have been very stressed out these last few weeks but what could possibly have stressed him out to this point?

“Park Jimin!” I can only gasp but then I stop seeing how shy he looks. I remember that he’s been under so much stress that yelling won’t be of any help at all.

“Jungkook, I uh, I don’t have any fresh clothes. Can I borrow your sweatshirt, I can just wear the same pants from before?”

I’m still in shock. “Sure.” We can talk about this later. I hold Jimin close to me supporting his frail looking body with my own. He looks ready to fall asleep, or pass out, or both. I know I should probably take him to the hospital but for right now we both need a relaxed environment. I’m sure his surprise will cheer him up and we can get some food for him even if it’s only cake or sweets.

We get back to the dorm and I knock loudly on the door. I hear footsteps. I open the door and we walk into the decorated living room. Jimin doesn’t notice at first then he does. He looks around, a bit in awe.

“You did all of this . . . for me?”

I smile.

JIMIN’S P.O.V

Jungkook smiles the biggest cutest bunny smile I’ve ever seen.

“Happy Birthday hyung!” He says still smiling.

I want to kiss him, I want to kiss him so, so bad, but I resist.

Then I hear more footsteps. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY JIMIN-SSI!!!” The hyungs and Tae appear out from behind the wall carrying a handmade banner reading “!!!HAPPY BIRTHDAY WE LOVE YOU MOCHI!!!” In big colourful letters.

They all hug me. I haven't had much physical contact with any of the hyungs or Jungkook in ages, the warmth surrounds me and takes away the aching feeling.

“Annnd, guess what? We have cake!” Hobi, Tae and Kook shout.

I smile, trying to match their level of excitement but the cake could be a problem. It’s probably full of sugar and calories in the frosting alone. I can’t eat it and ruin all my hard work.

“Alright,” Jin-hyung commands, “Hobi, Yoongi you two cut and serve cake. I’ll set up the V-Live.”

V-Live, what’s the point it’s not like anyone will watch it? Then I get an idea that I can hide my face with a mask. If any of the members ask I’ll just say that I’m not feeling well, it will also give me an excuse not to eat cake.

I grab a mask from the bathroom cabinet and put it on.

Hobi-hyung sees me first. “Are you feeling alright Min?”

“Yeah, I just think I’m coming down with a small cold is all.”

“Okay, do you want some tea or anything? Hyung will make you some.”

“Oh, no it’s okay. I really don’t feel that bad.”

“That’s good but tell us if you start feeling worse.”

“Of course.” I sigh, I almost made hyung go out of the way for me again.

Jungkook is immediately concerned when he sees my mask. I assure him it’s just a tiny cold. He seems to believe me.

We greet ARMY and show the cake. People ask why I have the mask on and Jungkook answers for me.

“Minnie’s caught a little cold, he’ll be fine.”

Lots of comments of "feel better, get well soon” and “stay healthy" appear in the comments section. I actually smile. Then I see another hate comment and the smile disappears.

Jin holds the cake while we sing and I blow the candles out. We all sit down on the sofa. Hoseok snuggles next to Yoongi, Namjoon sits on the floor in front of Jin, while Jin massages his head, Tae sits next to Jungkook and I sit in Jungkook’s lap.

Cake plates are passed around until everyone but me has one. Tae begins to pass me a piece of the cake.

“Um, I’m not very hungry right now, maybe I’ll have some later.” I say trying my very best to smile. Then I remember I have the mask on.

“Do you want something else, hyung can make you some other food. It might help you feel better.” Namjoon asks. I can tell he’s concerned.

“No it’s alright I just don’t have much of an appetite today.”

Jungkook gives me a look, I know he noticed that I lost weight. I didn’t mean for him to notice in case him or any of the other members got unnecessarily worried. I purposefully wore clothes that hid it but when he saw me without a shirt it was obvious.

“Min, you should eat something. It really would help your cold.”

I nod, “I’ll eat later.”

—

A few minutes into the V-Live I almost kiss Jungkook. I’m grateful for the mask which reminds me not to. Then it happens again. I scoot farther away. The members are talking but I can’t hear anything over how chilled I suddenly feel.

Now that I’m not right up against Jungkook, I notice how cold the room is. I shiver and tuck my hands into the pockets of Jungkook’s hoodie, thankfully he let me wear it. I feel a tickle in my nose and stifle five thick wet sneezes into the crook of my elbow. The mask does most of the work but it’s all snotty now so I should probably get a new one.

I feel miserable. I almost ask Jungkook for a hug. I have to get out of here before I do something that embarrasses him. Besides, I don’t have the energy to pretend to smile anymore.

“Sorry everyone, I’m tired, I’m going to lie down for a bit, okay.”

“Alright, at least come say bye before we end the Live.” Hoseok says

“You don’t have to end the Live, just continue on without me.” I say, heading towards the room. I feel dizzy, black spots dance across my vision and then consume everything.

JUNGKOOK’S P.O.V

We’re all talking about our favourite moments with Jimin that we’ve had this year when I heard someone sneeze. It’s so quiet I can barely hear it over the conversation but then I see Jimin his elbow pressed to his face despite the mask. Though the sneezes soft I hear the mucus.

“Sorry everyone , I’m tired, I’m going to lie down for a bit, okay.” Jimin says suddenly. He looks almost as pale as Yoongi. I can hear the congestion seeping into his voice.

“Alright, at least come say bye before we end the Live.” Hoseok, like the rest of us, looks confused. He can’t just leave his own Birthday V-Live.

“You don’t have to end the Live, just continue on without me.” Jimin says, he shrugs and turns toward our room. He only makes it a few steps before he falls with a hollow thump, to the floor.

My legs are moving before my brain can process what has happened.

“Jimin," I shout shaking him, he doesn't move.

“It’s okay, he’s just fainted.” Namjoon informs us.

“He’s burning up! Someone get the thermometer, quick!” Hoseok yells.

“What could’ve caused this, he said he only had a small cold.” Jin-hyung asks.

“Well he hasn’t bee-” I start but tae cuts me off

“We should probably end the V-Live now.”

“Oh yeah.” Joon runs over to the camera. “Salanghae ARMY!” and cuts off the broadcast.

We take Jimin back to our room and set him on the bed.

“I think he just over exhausted himself.” Yoongi speculates

“Yeah, he’s been working very hard lately.” Namjoon nods.

Jin still has the V-Live app open and something catches my eye.

@Taekook4life - Oh-em-gee!!!, Taekook were so cute, shame they had to cut the live off because of that stupid whiny cat boy

> @OT6 - Yeah, did you hear Namjoon say that he fainted, how pathetic

> > @Jimin-has-no-jams - I can't believe they even let someone so weak be part of the group

> > > @hybrid-hater - seriously and like I said, freaks belong in a circus.

The comments make my blood boil. How could people still ship Tae and I when Jimin and I are in a public relationship. These people are saying such mean things I want to punch something.

“Hyungs, look” I point the comments out to them. They shrink back, aghast.

“Is this like a common thing?” asks Tae

“I don’t know, let’s check other places.” Namjoon suggests.

We check all of our most recent content and find tons more comments, some screen-names keep coming up but there are just so many.

The cover we listened to comes up in our suggested results and when I accidentally click on it instead of the video below it I see it. At first it sounds like the user is completing the singer but then it takes a turn.

@anti1357 - wow ARMY-BLINK💜, this cover is so good, especially Jimin’s part you sing some much better, you should take his place

> @hybrid-hater - totally! This song is actually great without that ugly hybrid.

> > @btsucks - yeah and people say he’s the visuals, ugh! 🤮

> > > @Jimin-has-no-jams - ikr freak! 🐈🤡

I’m full of rage but I can’t stop looking, the next thing is a selca I took with Minnie about two weeks ago.

@Taekook4life - literally ewww! Beautiful Jeon Jungkook . . . with him, but like Jimin is soo ugly tho. And you can see the fat on him. Jungkook needs to just get with Kim Taehyung instead.

> @Jimin’s-jams - first of all that’s so rude, that’s muscle, from dancing, and I bet he can dance so much better than any of us can! so pls be quiet.

> > @OT6 - if they’re muscles from dancing then why’s he so terrible at dancing then, honestly he’s a joke, I bet Bang Pd just felt bad for him.

> > > @Solo-stan - he must have because Jimin can’t even sing that well, he is literally so whiny.

We’re all horrified. Jimin must’ve seen these comments and started believing them. It all makes sense now. Why Jimin has been hiding his ears and tail and even himself. Why he didn’t want to be in the dance practice video, why he tried to take himself out of the music video and even the song.

I can feel the tears dripping down my cheeks and not only mine but the other members are crying as well, we seem to have reached the realisation at the same time.

“Gahh, we’re such bad friends, how come we didn’t see it?” Hobi wails.

“No, it’s my fault,” I say, “I’m his boyfriend, I should've seen it.”

“It’s in the past now. All we can do is to make sure that our Mochi gets better.” Namjoon says, patting the sleeping Jimin’s hair.

We all nod.

“We’ll make Jimin some soup and tea and leave you two alone.” Jin-hyung says

“Thank you.” I say quietly.

JIMIN’S P.O.V

I open my eyes and everything is blurry. Slowly my vision clears and I see a familiar face standing over me. Jungkook. A feeling of calmness washes over me, as long as he’s here I’m safe.

Then before I even realise what he’s doing he plants a kiss on my forehead. His lips are soft and warm against my skin. I try to sit up but can’t. Panic sets in, if I can’t even sit up how am I supposed to dance.

“It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m here.” He motions for me to breathe with him. I do and it makes me feel better almost immediately. I try to sit up again and this time he helps me.

“Take it easy. You’re not well, Min.” He croons, helping me sit up. I am acutely aware of his hand on my back.

“Not well?” I question not only my condition but his delicate phrasing.

“You fainted, do you remember that?”

“I just remember really wanting to just sleep, then everything went black and now I’m here.”

“That’s good, I don’t think you hit your head.” He says, sounding a bit more like himself now.

I’m so tired and his voice is so soft that I can’t help bursting into tears. Before I can stop it it all comes flooding out.

“Kookie, I don’t feel good.” I hate the whine in my voice but I can’t stop it

“I know, baby, I know. Can you tell me what hurts.” He hugs me, his grip is gentle but I can still feel his warmth.

I think for a moment “Everything.” Then I feel a tickle in my nose and sneeze thickly right into his neck. My face heats up.

“I’mb ‘orry.” I sniffle pathetically. The last thing I need to do is get Jungkook sick. “I’mb a bess.”

“No, no you’re not. It’s okay, you are not a mess, you have a cold. It happens to everyone.”

“You should go, I don’t want to get you sick. I’ve caused enough trouble already.”

He looks sadly at me, “Is that how you really feel, Minnie.”

I can’t help but nod.

“You have never caused me any trouble.” He says taking a tissue from the bedside table and wiping my nose. I blush again.

“But” I sob, “I’ve been a terrible friend.”

“No. You have been dealing with a lot, the only person you've been terrible to is yourself.” He cups my face in his hands and kisses me.

I try to push him off, what is he doing?

“So what if I get sick?” He shrugs and kisses me again. “You’re my boyfriend, I love you.” He mumbles the words softly as we kiss. He must see the look of hesitation on my face because he sighs, “Minnie, I sleep right next to you. I’m going to catch this cold anyway.” He starts kissing me again and I can’t help but reciprocate the actions, an automatic reflex.

When he stops I look straight into his big doe eyes, they’re sad. I bet he wishes he didn’t love someone like me and even though I know I shouldn't be, I’m so disgustingly happy that he does. Something he said surprises me belatedly.

“You're still my boyfriend?”

He looks a bit shocked. “Yes, I mean if you still want me to be.”

“Of course.” I answer back too quickly. Again, it’s a reflex, a reflex to love, maybe, maybe, just maybe . . . . . I’m not such a very bad terrible person after all. I try to squash down this hope but it won’t go. There is still one thing though, in his arms it feels so stupid but I have to know.

“But what about Taehyung?”

His face morphs into an expression of extreme confusion, “Taehyung? . . . . .” then it changes to one of horror. “You didn’t think . . . You didn’t think that- that I-” His voice breaks into almost nothing. “No, I love you and ONLY you Jimin. Taehyung is like a brother to me, nothing more. YOU are my love, the love of my life. You are my life. You and only you. Do you understand what I just said?”

“Yes.” I say quietly. He smiles and hugs me tighter. I crush the disappointment in my chest. I selfishly want him to kiss me again. He still looks sad.

He pulls away so I can fully see his face. “Did-didn’t” he pauses, looking like he’s trying not to cry, “Didn’t you miss this bed?”

I don’t understand immediately, then I remember I’ve been sleeping on the couch for the last two weeks. The difference is vast once I actually pay attention. The bed is soft and warm and cosy with a fluffy blanket and pillow that both smell like Jungkook. I much prefer it over the couch.

“I did.” I admit. I hope he doesn’t think I’m selfish.

“Well then come back. Sleep with me tonight, we can just sleep right now if you want.”

I’m so tired but I’m afraid that if I go to sleep now that when I wake up I’ll realise that this was all a dream and Jungkook doesn’t actually love me. I wanna stay in this dream. I need a way I can dream on. I shake my head.

“Alright, we can do whatever you want.”

I shiver, still feeling cold despite the comforter.

“How about a nice warm bath?”

I nod. Jungkook helps me out of bed and to the bathroom where he starts getting the bath ready. He takes off his shirt, and then his pants leaving only his bare chest and boxers. He’s beautiful. I could never look like that.

“Like what you see?” He teases, I blush right up to my forehead.

“I could never deserve you.” I sigh the words to myself, the look on his face says he heard.

He shakes his head and comes up to me, forcing me to face my reflection in the mirror. He takes off my shirt.

“You, Park Jimin, are a masterpiece.” He whispers into my ear.

I can’t stop myself from smiling. He continues, trailing his hands over my chest, his fingers leaving a tingling sensation in their wake. “You can sing and dance beautifully and you’re incredibly cute.” He continues listing good things about me but I just focus on the sound of his voice. The voice of a man who loves me, he’s beautiful and he’s mine.

He ends his speech with a kiss on my lips. “Now come one, you’ve got goosebumps, let's get you warm.” I lean into his touch as he strips me down completely and helps me into the bath.

I sit back and let Jungkook work, pausing occasionally to kiss me, on the neck, on the shoulder, on the arm until he’s kissed almost every surface of my body.

“I saw the comments.” He says as he begins massaging shampoo into my hair.

I don’t know what to say to that but I feel the tears roll down my cheeks.

“Those people are stupid, cowardly trolls hiding behind screen names because they can’t bear to say those things to your amazingly good looking face.”

“I know.” I sob, suddenly feeling very stupid. “How could I let those people control my life like that?”

“It’s not your fault, Minne, anyone would crumble under all that pressure. You’re so strong and I hate to see you doubting yourself like this just because of some stupid shit people said on the internet. You’re beautiful just the way you are. And as for me I much prefer you healthy than stick thin. You need to stay healthy so you can do what you love. You’re never home, I’ve missed you.” He kisses my shoulder.

“I’ve missed you too.” I turn around to face him, pulling him closer and kissing him deeper. His lips are soft and warm against mine, everything I’ve missed, everything I need to feel good about myself. A warm sensation fills my body, taking the cold and the aching away. I feel a tickle in my nose try to turn away but I sneeze on Jungkook anyway.

“Ah, I’m going to give you my cold.” I half sigh, half laugh and try to pull away.

“I don’t care.” Jungkook whispers kissing me again

“I do.”

“Don’t.” He argues and for the moment, I really don’t care, until I feel goose bumps forming along my arms again.

“Kook the water’s getting cold.”

He pulls away and turns the tap to add more hot water to the bath. He resumes washing my hair, it feels good, not as good as kissing but still good all the same. He tips my head back to rinse the shampoo out. I smile at him.

“I’ve missed this,” he says, “I’ve missed us. Next time something is bothering you please just come to me or one of the hyungs but please don’t sit on it and let yourself treat yourself badly.”

“Of course.”

“You promise.”

“Yes.”

We get out of the bath and dry ourselves off, Jungkook wears only a shirt and joggers himself but gives me one of his hoodies to wear and some of my fluffy pyjama bottoms. I love Kook’s hoodies, the scent and the softness relaxes me. It reminds me of how tired I am. The bed with all its soft pillows and blankets looks more tempting than ever, I lay down.

“Do you want to sleep now?”

Once again I hesitate, I’m sure now, that this isn’t all a dream, but I don’t really want to be alone either.

“I’ll be here, right here. With you.” He says it as if he’s read my mind.

“You're sure?”

“Absolutely.” He says climbing under the covers next to me. I feel his warmth against mine. I fall asleep listening to his whispers of “I love you.”

(A/N: I'll probably do a Jungkook P.O.V. chapter and then a final one from both of their perspectives maybe. Sorry if the formatting is strange.)

#Jikook #Jikook angst #Jikook fluff #Jikook sickfic #Jikook hybrid au #sick Park Jimin #caretaker jeon jungkook #caretaker OT7 #Jeon Jungkook/Park Jimin #Park Jimin/Jeon Jungkook #kookmin #sickie jimin #bts hybrid au #bts hyrbid #bts hybrid fic #bts hybrid fanfic #cat hybrid park jimin

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pioneeroverc-my-5000th-sideblog · 1 year

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Summary of May:

I don't know how this month went by so quickly. The last two weeks have just been brain static lol

Um… it looks like I spent most of the time trying to get myself to finish that bridal alt and then got stressed by other stuff happening which I have not gotten on top of or recovered from. Not a great month for studies, but I managed to get at least a little bit done and started catching back up with my Ges Draw Party videos, so… I'll take it

I am happy that I've been exercising more though! Even got one of my 'started walking in one direction and accidentally walked nine miles while exploring' days in, which is one of my all-time favourite things to do and which I really should do more of. Anything over 10k steps in one go is sooooooo good for my mental health. Also been having fun playing Ring Fit and running outside.

Plan from April:

at least one day/week playing games (not art but important to relax with) ✗ I REALLY NEED TO DO THIS BECAUSE I AM NOT GETTING ENOUGH BRAIN REST

Draw May 4th/5th pieces ✗ did May 4th, couldn't decide on what to do for May 5th + was kinda late starting

Rough (pose) sketches for all 4 FEH alt ideas and finish current one before 8th ✗ well this is fun (I do have one pose sketch and a bunch of ref for another idea though)

10x scared ✗ 6

4x 100 comp ✗ aghhh

Proko - review notes + watch shoulder critiques ✓ finally something I have done!

Proko - pecs and breasts I guess ✗ started, but decided I needed to keep going on shoulder anatomy because it's more important to understand

4x Ges Draw Party ✓ YES!!!! WIN (I did 7)

DAB Lesson 7 - 4 vehicles ✗ 2 though

1x master study - comic background or screencap study with perspective ✗ did do a Moebius flying boat study sketch though so xD

June plan:

at least one day/week playing games (not art but important to relax with) (DO THIS!!!!)

use my organisation spreadsheet consistently

meet communication deadlines

review Proko notes

3x FEH alts

10x scared (shoulder tracing)

4x 100 comp

1x FEFDraw video

4x Ges Draw Party

DAB Lesson 7 - 2 vehicles

1x master study - another Moebius ship

notes and improvements from finished stuff:

ACTIONABLES: USE PHOTO REFERENCE FOR EXPRESSIONS!!!!! JUST DO IT ✗ however have been trying to use face photos more for perspective, do hair studies ✗ doing better at this tho, decide whether majority of piece is going to be dark or light and base contrast around that ✓, draw out ribcages (+ shoulder bones) for every sketch ✓, use photo/RL reference for EVERY HAND - even doodles ✗ but most of them + using reference WAY better this month by trying to take perspective into account , do a separate detail pass the day after ‘finishing’ something ✗ too impatient lol, use photo reference for folds ✓

5MIN SCARED IDEAS: find good hair examples and trace ✗ …I might have done this? it's in my study file but might be from last month, trace torsos for gesture ✓ , review/learn leg muscles ✓, draw one hand ✓, identify fold type in clothing photos ✗

heath: bad line quality (I thickened some of the lines in a really scribbly way), armour not correctly 3d, folds don't make sense, still not sure of structure of torso

b/odhi: bad values makes it hard to look at (too much contrast), figure not conforming to perspective in places, hand is awful, doesn't look like he's sitting on the boxes because of where the horizon line is, messy/scribbly lines on the ship, ambiguous positioning of up arm vs the thing that's supposed to be to the side of it

lyon: hair is kinda clumpy in a bad way (needs flyaways or something along the length of hair sections, I think), torso anatomy nonexistent lol, I don't know if that's where ears are supposed to go

mid/een: not happy with the expressions I ended up with, m's legs look too long even though he should proportionally be ok??, lack of shoulder anatomy knowledge intersected with lack of perspective knowledge and made his arm look really weird BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHY, shaky adherence to horizon line, a's far wrist is way too small, her torso is also all kinds of messed up, had trouble reconciling anime stylised face + actual real face anatomy (flat vs. planes of face), HOWEVER I think the rendering came out pretty nicely and the bow was surprisingly straightforward to draw. all the things I'm annoyed about here are, I think, the result of me hitting my skill ceiling and not knowing enough to solve problems - so I am trying to be more okay with that xD

ACTIONABLES: draw out ribcages/shoulder anatomy for every sketch, trace heads + ears for placement, study Otomo 3/4 faces, draw box in perspective + horizon line (at least H.L.) before placing characters, keep tracing shoulders

5MIN SCARED IDEAS: draw one hand, shoulder/ribcage tracing, review/learn leg muscles, draw one hand, trace heads + ears, Otomo study

#end of month

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anonblogsfeels · 2 years

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WOW HELLO FROM 2022

Let’s recap where we left off---but before we do that, a disclaimer if u will. I have regressed a lot in terms of spelling, grammar, English. I text and type like a middle schooler now. I use cuz and u and y a lot. Don’t ask me why. Probably because I am lazier now as well and I don’t care anymore either. Also use a lot of text abbreviations and will be using millennial hashtags often to display my feelings and emotions. I don’t know why I was so proper with grammar and spelling before in my last posts, but if this is supposed to be a personal diary, then I shouldn’t really care how well written my posts are LOL. Also probably a lot of run on sentences and fragments. I was never really good with that. Now, let’s recap all the years that I have been gone (well from what I remember) I do have better things I should be doing right now, but this is a good distraction :)

2016-2017

-Whirlwind friendship with this girl but I think she was like lowkey highkey in love with me? Cuz she was weirdly obsessed and possessive with me. I didn’t hang out with anyone but her and we did things she wanted to all the time. The friendship ended because I wouldn’t cancel my interview for a research position to go hang out with her for her birthday #ded well that was a major plot line, but tbh after that the relationship went downhill. I remember trying to beg her for her friendship back with Taco Bell and music outside her door??? The fuq. Anyways I think the friendship really ended on my side when she graduated and I went to her graduation and she didn’t respond to my texts or phone calls until like 10PM! I was hurt because I took time out of my day to celebrate her and she wouldn’t even give me the time of day until it was convenient for her! I understand she was with her family, but a quick text isn’t hard! Then the next day I came by to drop off her graduation gift (in hindsight, it was a pretty gay gift...it was a photo album with pictures of us and memories LOL), such a weird friendship. And she never talked to me again after that. But I did reach out like a year later because her hometown was flooded due to natural disasters and tried to reconcile, but she wasn’t very receptive. Recently (maybe this year?) she sent me a snapchat but quickly undid it. So I never know what she sent. I hope she's doing well and has accomplished everything she's wanted and more. She was still a big part of my life even if it was for a short while and I learned a lot about what a good friend should be. Even if the friendship didn’t end on good terms.

-Did not take my MCAT. Did not get into pre college med school program. Deferred a year. Big deal for me. I always did things on time and according to “schedule”. But 2016 was a tough year. I cried a lot. I was afraid of being a failure. I was afraid my parents wouldn’t understand, but they did. I love my mommy. Got a C in AP.

-Had like TWO massive cold sores on my upper lip. IT WAS AWFUL. I had never and still have never had such a severe case of HSV. I was really stressed and going through it so thats probably why. But my lips were juicy tho.

-From the looks of it, my faith was still pretty strong in 2016, but boy was that going to change. Junior year was so tough. Personally, mentally, physically, career wise, class wise. The whole shebang.

-Got a ring and a lot of my friends showed up (now there's like maybe 1 of them that I still talk to sadly)

-Got accepted into a research program! It only lasted a semester cuz the overseeing professor moved T_T

-Got really into calligraphy and lettering, definitely hyper fixated on it and stayed up till like 6am practicing (also think I may have adhd who knows but see 2022)

2017-2018

-Senior year whoop whoop. President amazing for me but the worst experience of my life. And another officer position. Loved this year a lot. Met really amazing people in my research program. Went to one of their weddings. invited to another but in a different city, so did not go. They were really amazing. I wish I kept in touch with them, but I was really emo after I graduated so they are no longer in my life :( I wish them well and maybe one day we can reconnect again.

-Hung out with so many people! Felt so loved and like I BELONGED! I didn’t realize how little I hung out with other people after ending that weird friendship the year before. My friendships really blossomed and was great this year, but of course it didn’t last long because of my never ending habit of self sabotaging :)

-Smoked a bong for the first time and Gorl. Literally thought I was going to have to go to the ER and they would call my parents. Thank God that subsided after my friend started getting loopy too. But what really iced this cake was when my friend KICKED us out because he couldn’t have us over anymore. I guess I don’t call him my friend after that (but we still kept in contact and I went to his ring ceremony...weird. But now I don’t talk to him either lol. I hope he is a doctor now). Like wtf?? you’re gonna invite us to smoke and then KICK us out?? I wish my confrontational skills were as good as they are now because I would love to have talked to him and communicated this with him and mediated this once we were sober because that is not a cool thing to do to people who are under the influence and vulnerable.

-Holy shit. Who knew being in charge of large organization would be so fucking hard?? and stressful??? I hated my board. They were all white. No offense, but all offense. I could not relate to them no matter how hard I tried and no matter how hard I restricted my personality to line with theirs. They were mean. and bullies. and clique-y. And I had to deal with that alone (but I had amazing people who I could rant to and helped me) but damn I CRIED A LOT because of this. I felt like the worst president ever because everyone was so miserable, including myself. I know I tried my damned hardest though, but I am still disappointed in myself. Working with so many people who have different personalities and preferences, wants, desires, attitudes, is TUFF.

-Loved my other org tho. I could relate to them so much more! They were all minorities like me, so I didn’t feel like I had to restrict myself and my personality. I wish I took a larger role like VP, but I passed it up because of the other org. Big mistake looking back. This org should’ve been my priority.

-Save the family drama for ya mama. My dad basically cheated on my mom lol. And brawling with my sister. While I’m 3 hours away. And my bother keeping quiet in his room. I hate how my family will never take accountability for their wrongdoings and will always brush every damn thing under the rug to save face. “oh he has done so much for you, so much for your family” stfu with that bullshit. Just because you do good things, does not mean you are a good person. Does not negate other things you do. And it sure damn well does not excuse your behavior. Awful and I had to bullshit for my graduation and play good daughter while he faked apologized. This will never be forgotten. Or even forgiven. But I should forgive right? Idk.

-Also did not take my MCAT again. Blamed it on my hectic schedule (17 hours, 2 officer positions, and family conflicts), so I would say those are pretty good excuses tbh). I dropped a class because I was lazy and did not do the work and did not want to get a bad grade in my last year.

-Really lost my faith this year...and still trying to regain it to this day. Although it has improved (See 2022). I stopped going to church this year. Didn’t even try to go one last time before I left town. I regret that. It was a beautiful church with beautiful music.

-AND HOW COULD I FORGET??? I WENT TO EUROPE!!!! I was able to fund it through scholarships and my aunt thank her and god bless her she gave me my graduation gift in advance <3 It was the most awesome experience. I went with a close friend (still friends to this day how shocking!) and with a group that I got really close to...again I self sabotaged these relationships and do not talk to them anymore and that is something I deeply regret. I hope to reach out one day, but if I am being honest, it won’t be anytime soon. I feel like I have to accomplish something first, have something to show for- before I can dig myself out of the hole I dug myself in.

-Seguing into that... I ghosted one of my good friends. She tried to each out to me over and over again for years. Every time she sent me a message, my heart would drop, but I never did anything. But stopped in 2020. This is one of the biggest regrets and mistakes I have ever made. And I still don’t have the courage to contact her. I really hate myself sometimes. God has really put beautiful and kind hearted souls in my life and I just ruined those relationships. I will contact her one day. I will apologize for my behavior and hope one day she can forgive me. But until then, I hope she’s doing well (I still follow her on instagram and she's in a professional school program and I am so proud of her!). She really cared for me so much to continue to contact me after so many years. I am a piece of shit.

-Speaking of ghosting...I ghosted so many people after I graduated. Just stopped texting them back. Stopped responding. Some (one) were deserved. And most (all) were not deserved. Honestly, they don’t deserve a shitty person like my in their life anyways...so good riddance I guess...but I let a lot of good people go....and I will always have to live with that guilt and shame. I hope one day, I can reach out, but if I am being honest..I don’t know when I will be able to. Maybe when I am successful, but it sounds like another excuse to me...

-I was really depressed....its not an excuse for my behavior. My family life was shit. I had just lost my independence and moved back home. I did not take my MCAT or applied to medical school so I had to take a gap year. I did not have a job. AND my parents were charging me rent! LIKE WTF. My life felt like the crapper and I just completely shut down and withdrew and isolated myself (a common theme in my life that I am trying to actively do better). Im sure this is a trauma response tbh.

-Things started to do better by maybe July? I did text my friend. But she was on a trip and her phone did not work. So I stopped trying and missed her graduation (I’m shit I know.). But I started a new job. Two actually.

-Then...I met someone. A perfectly silly innocent friendship at first. and it evolved into something much more significant. but not until late 2019-2020 so I am getting ahead of myself.

-Met some awesome superiors that I worked with and really loved.

-Took physics in the fall

2019

-Honestly first half of the year wasn’t really that significant, I worked a lot and met great superiors

-Became obsessed (hyper-fixated) with little things like BSB (omg I saw them in 2022!!!!!) NSYNC, Britney Spears (amazing news in 2022 btw).

-Maybe biggest thing is the coworker I met, we became closer this year. Hung out “officially” in April and she said I guess you're my real friend now. silly girl. She pregamed in a parking lot. That was a first for me. But it was a really fun night!!

-won my first mahjong game. girl was shook. she taught me. it also fell everywhere when we tried to play at where I worked. was very embarrassing.

-Did not take my mcat AGAIN. (Another reoccurring theme). So another gap year it is. My motivation is really starting to dip here but tbh I think it started junior year. Feeling burnt out, loss of motivation and drive. and extreme laziness. or was it adhd???? tried to study for mcat. was not consistent. did not take.

-Started talking to coworker A LOT. like this girl wouldn't leave me alone she just wanted to hang out and bother me all the time and I guess I was flattered, but in hindsight she was also probably in love with me ;p she said it was because she wanted a new friend but im like sureeeee. what's with me and my girl friends being in love with me?? like chill (totally joking but not really cuz 3 people so far, but only 1 confirmation HAHA)

-My grandma stole a kitten from a homeless cat

-coworker and I literally talked all the day every day basically in august. when she started her masters. I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t know why I was so interested in talking with her. but I was gonna and soon.

-girl kept inviting me to do things with her and her friends. Honestly it was really fun! her friends are crackheads LOL. Tbh I wish I made a bigger effort in becoming friends with them too, but I was only there bc of girl. we went out of town for her friends birthday to drink and we bonded a lot because I made her take a lot of Henry shots and then we both got really drunk and wanted to run. her friends had to take care of us and we both threw up simultaneously when we got back to air bnb <3 how cute. then I fell asleep on the toilet because I couldn't take off my contacts (I had hoe ass nails on) and I blacked out until like 6am. funny times.

-girl and I hung out a lot. We went back to college for football game with my sister and her friends. we held hands when we were drunk. she tried to cuddle me but it was accidentally my sister LOL. She was like “well that makes sense”. we bonded a lot. she was literally obsessed with my “small” hands. (should've been a tall tale sign tbh)

-we smoked together for the first time. it was really fun experience too. I scared her and almost peed myself.

-she introduced me to my FIRST MUSICAL!!! We saw Dear Evan Hansen. It was awesome and definitely a core memory. I accidentally brought my fanny pack and she had to run to put it back in my car (great stamina btw she was a former runner okkkkkk). Also spoiler alert- she said this is when she realized she had a crush on me bc she had been denying it. I still didn’t know the feelings I felt for her was romantic yet.

-ROADTRIPPED WITH MY SISTER! Great bonding experience but we did argue A LOT LOL. we drove for 17 hours STRAIGHT. I did not want to stop because I was impatient. stupid me. I hallucinated during a rainstorm at 3AM LOL. very dangerous. Would not recommend. Would also not do this without a bedtime break if I did it again. Got a beautiful 14k bracelet from a thrift store that I still wear today :) This was such a fun experience and I would like to do it again. and I can't believe I haven't!

-went out of town to visit family for the holidays! got stuck in 3 hour traffic bc of snow storm trying to go ski. Rewatched all of sailor moon episodes and definitely hyper-fixated on this. then we went to another state and it was fun!!! but stayed in the most ratchet hotel. but it was nice overall and very good memories.

-girl texted me a lot, wanted me to go out with her after Christmas w/ her friends, but I was still out of town. she said I had normal hands as Christmas gift and gave me a fan T_T I still have it and use it to this day. (I like to bring fans to the club and bars cuz its hot and im smart)

2020

-girls birthday was fun! we ate with her friends and went karaoke. She was definitely super flirty HAHA

-visited my college friend for her bday (love her and Im so glad I was able to keep and maintain a friendship with her). she's the best.

-We saw Craig Robinson (we both agree this was our first date even though we never said it to each other at this time). it was awesome! I tried to be cute and we ate sushi and she bought our meal (im getting emotional u will know why in 2022). then we went karaoke-ing because she didn’t want it to be over

-we got crossfaded basically on this one eventful day. we kissed for the first time. my first kiss. WAS WITH A GIRL?????? Crazy I know. If you had told me that in 2016 I would have laughed. I LIKE GIRLS??? That had never crossed my mind. until her. I like her. just her. but I never had an internal sexual crisis. I didn’t hate myself for liking her, although I was still scared and concerned with what it meant for our future, family, friends, etc. it was really interesting that everything I thought I knew or wanted..was thrown out the window because of her. life crazy.

-from then on girl and I basically were dating but not really since we didn't define it yet but we still say that day was our anniversary :) we didn’t dtr until like may when she decided she wanted to continue pursuing whatever this was with me, but the sad thing was....we both agreed it would be temporary since we were at a standstill in our life--career wise. and that we both had no intention of coming out or seeing this long term. I was willing, however, to come out for her. but she was not. this would lead to our demise. see 2022. red flags early on tbh. we broke up in the summer LOL. but due to comp het. and she struggled a lot with her feelings. she never felt so strongly for someone but was so scared with how it would affect her relationship with her family. they are very catholic. but we got back together lol. but it will always be a point of conflict that never gets resolved.

-also did not take my mcat again T_T I blamed covid. but tbh I know it was because I fell in love for the first time and could not focus on anything else. my mom was right... isn’t it funny how moms are always right? she told me to not fall in love until my studies were over because it would distract me and I scoffed but now I agreed she was right all along LOL. I mean I guess she knew from experience because her falling in love caused her to drop out of HS LOL.

-BRO COVID 2020 HAPPENED WTF LIFE WAS CRAZY. It was simultaneously AWESOME AND AWFUL. For the lives that were taken. but also oddly..the tranquility of it. no signs of life anywhere. it was peaceful. but also morbid because so many people were dying, hospitals were overfilled, health care workers were overworked. bodies everywhere and no where at the same time. crazy to think about. holy crap it was like and STILL is like a fever dream.

-I basically hung out with girl like every day since her mom worked. I had excuses to leave and hung out with her for hours EVERY DAY. we became inseparable. it was like we both retired and just lived a very tranquil and retired life. it was beautiful. It was peaceful. it was home. I miss it so much. but it was a really impactful significant time for us. we went to amusement parks, coordinated halloween outfits, tried lots of new foods, shows, and really got to know each other deeply. it was something I have never known, but am so thankful that I had got to experience something so beautiful with her.

-the year came and went. girl and I were deeply in love. in June, she said she thought she loved me but we didnt really exchange I love you’s until I said it in august. 6 months after dating. it was truly blissful. I had never loved someone like I loved her in all my years. makes me question all the little crushes I've had before. I dont think I actually liked someone until she came along. I never actively tried to pursue or liked anyone more than idealizing them in my head.

-we had our first trip together in another city. it was really nice. but my cold sore ruined it lol. but other than that it was sweet and memorable. we cooked and watched movies and I really loved sleeping next to her.

-for some, 2020 was the worst year imaginable. for me, it was one of the best because I fell in love. I thank God that I did not experience any losses due to COVID, but a lot of people and their families weren't as lucky, and I am aware of that privilege. So many people lost family members and loved ones due to the disease. we didn’t do enough to prevent the spread until it was too late. it was unprecedented times. nothing we had prepared could’ve prepared us for what happened this year. very conflicting emotions for me. I feel guilty that I see this time so fondly, while others see it as the worst and heart wrenching times.

2021

-I started work again I think in like march or April

-girl quit because she was going to graduate from her school program soon and do an externship

-RESCUED A DOG!!!! turns out he's batshit psycho crazy bitch with no bite inhibition but I love him to pieces. everyone in my family are now blood bonded in a different sense and my dad is none the wiser

-we traveled out of the city for our first big trip together. I love how detailed and a planner she is because I am not one of those. we need one of those in our lives. it was awesome and amazing. but we did argue. I was on my period. my emotions were bad. I really needed to learn how to regulate my emotions and I did not know how to, so I lashed out a lot. this had a role in our demise. but the trip was one of my first with someone else and it was so memorable and amazing and I wish I could relive it.

-we cried a lot before she left for her externship because we didn’t know if it was permanent and the end of our relationship. I visited her a couple times and it was really nice, like a mini vacation. however we were basically inseparable for 1-1.5 years so it was really difficult to adjust to. her friends did not know she was in a relationship so she would always choose them first. (from my pov). I felt like she would only talk to me if it was convenient for her. we broke up again in towards the end of the summer. 2nd time. because she prioritized her friend, when it was my birthday. I wanted to spend time with her but she wanted to go to see a concert. I was very hurt. she said we could hang out the day after the concert, but she failed to see why I was so hurt.

-she graduated. we reconciled (we broke up but like not really tbh). we got back together in august. and had a really awful awful argument. again with me feeling undervalued and not prioritized. we made up and reconciled...but the things I said really stayed with her and I don’t think we truly recovered from this argument.

-didnt take my mcat again......how many years now? I was having an internal crisis. is this what I want to do? am I cut out for it? am I smart enough for it?

-met up with college friends and talked about this. drove home at 2am. it was great to see them.

-tried jollibee for the first time this shit amazing and this sushi place fancy WAS SO GOOD. we went to this life changing concert that was like a party/rave for 2 hours. people are sleeping on this artist and I did too for a long time. never again. I am a bonefide fan.

-HOLY SHIT HOW DID I FORGET. I MOVED OUT THIS YEAR. WITH MY SISTER. INTO AN AMAZING OLD PEOPLE COMPLEX! for a great deal WITH A GARAGE. such a big mllestone!

2022

-GUESS WHAT I FINALLY TOOK MY MCAT. but voided because I didnt finish a section and a half. BUT I FUCKING DID IT. AFTER 6 YEARS. I DID IT. will have to retake and have to start restudying so......yea

-worse year of my life so far

-went to Vegas. saw a residency. best ever. went to Disney this year as well. fucking amazing. how did I travel so much for being a broke whore? lots of credit card debt. holy shit. so much debt. basically like a student loan. yikes. working on bringing that down......but I am a shopping addict

-girl and I broke up. right before my test. its been shitty. 4 months have gone by. I am still trying to heal. we did not decide to do no contact, she says she's no longer in love with me, attracted to me, or see a future with me- but I call cap. if im being delusional then let me be delusional. thats what tik tok says. I respect her space and her decision though. im delusional on my own. we broke up 2.5 years into relationship. I was and still am devastated. I feel like she moved on so quickly and became ok so quickly. it made me question her love for me and the significance of our relationship. I was her first long term relationship, shouldn't she mourn more than she has? but I dont know what's going on her her head, maybe she's suffering just as much as I am. but she doesn’t show it. I wish she did so I knew we were hurting the same. so I knew we were real. but now that I am healed a lot... I know she loved me. deeply too. and im sad things did not work out the way I intended it, but it was a self fulfilling prophecy waiting to happen. you dont start a relationship with the mindset that it is temporary. it’ll just fuck you up. she grew detached and I clung on harder. I was really angry and bitter for a long time. but now I understand why this was needed. without this breakup, I wouldn't have learned I had anxious attachment style. I am learning a lot about myself. my role in the breakup. how I could do things differently. my faith grew a lot. I leaned on God a lot. and it’s sad to say that I only leaned on him when I needed it the most. but im trying to continually work on my journey with my faith. I dont think I identify with the catholic church and teachings anymore. I dont go to church. I just pray. and thank god for the blessings and the non blessings that are probably blessings in disguised. this break up was needed. I know that now. I just wish she was still in my life like she was.... I still struggle with it every day. someone who was so intertwined with my life...is a stranger now....im trying really hard to adjust to this new reality and accept it. overall I am ok. I am doing better. im proud of myself and how much growth and work I have been doing, but I still have a lot more to do. I have to work on my laziness, my drive, motivation, and how I respond to things when im heated. I’d say my relationship with God now has been the best its been in a long time...and that makes me really happy. I have been wanting to improve my relationship with him for a long time. The one thing I have realized is God is hope. im sure I've realized this before, but tbh I lost hope for a long time. the world is getting worse. my life was shit. but even when its happy or sad, that hope is what keeps us moving on and wanting to do better for ourselves. idk if this even makes sense. im just rambling because I have to walk my dog but want to finish this first.

-I love my mommy. my sister. my brother. my friends. the girl. I want to try harder for them. for myself. because I know I am meant to do great things

-I retake my test next year. I get a 517+ on my mcat. I volunteer. I get amazing LOR. I apply to medical school EARLY. I get lots of interview invites. and I matriculate in medical school in 2024. these are my goals. I will succeed. I am trying to put myself in a better mindset, stop being negative, and open myself up to the limitless possibilities of what can happen.

“I don’t chase, I attract. What belongs to me will simply find me”

Honestly, I thought this was stupid, but now I actually believe in it. Your mindset can really change so much of how you feel and what can happen. And with God on my side, I really do feel so optimistic and happy about my life and my future.

Thank you God.

-oh I also read more and do yoga, this shit helps a lot

-also im addicted to shopping and Tik Tok -- have to work on this

-also my style has improved so much. obsessed with designer vintage bags atm. discovered Aritzia and went buck fucking wild.

-I WENT TO SO MANY CONCERTS THIS YEAR AND IT WAS AMAZING AND I LOVE IT AND WILL CONTINUE TO GO TO AS MANY AS I CAN AND COLLECT ALL THE MERCH. Did not get tickets to tswift bc I dont really care for her lol

-and I love my body and I love myself and I have never been more confident in who I am as a person. life is good even though im struggling a lot sometimes mentally because breakup and also dealing with self motivation/depression.

-Also I reconnected with my friend after ghosting her for a year. I love her. she forgave me and its like no time has passed. I am so thankful for the people god has put in my life. I just need to be more mindful and try harder to maintain these relationships. I told her I was happy and you know what....overall... I think I am. just like girl is when she said she's happy. trying to take things as face value tbh. but I like to be delusional sometimes

-I hope that girl and I can learn to be friends ago. she's too important to me not to be in my life. and she agrees as well. so I guess we will see where this goes. and I hope we both continue to put effort into maintaining a friendship...

-Also side note, I have been working n this post for like the 2 hours. I wish I was this invested in my studies LOL. My spelling and grammar got progressively worse. And now that im done, it sounds more like a love diary. but she was a big part of my life for a long time, so its understandable.

Till next time. hope I dont cringe when I read this over cuz I definitely cringed when I read my past posts. probably will. its inevitable haha

0 notes

envirae · 3 years

Note

Txt or enhypen with a small s/o? These days I’ve been kinda insecure about being short. 🤕

hi anon!! this is such a cute req! (p.s. u are perfect just the way u are and ur height is as well!)

(this is going to be enhypen, i'll post txt at the same time :)

ENHYPEN reacting to having a small s/o!

genre: fluff, established relationship

pairing: enhypen x gn!reader

tagging: @youreverydayzebra @bloom-bloom-pow

lee heeseung

please he babies tf out of u

he's literally the tallest member

BUT HE'S SO OBSESSED WITH UR HEIGHT DIFFERENCE

okay so just a thought

he likes to dance with you, but he does that thing where u stand on his toes so u can be taller AW

he's always looking at your guys' photos and in mirrors

"you're so small, you're like my baby"

he gets so giddy when u ask him to like get something off the top shelf

"my baby needs my help!!" he sings with the largest grin on his face

he likes to cling onto you

like his arm around your shoulder or holding onto your hand

likes to pick you up and like run around the house with u in his arms

he's doesn't tease u about it, he's just so happy with it

rest of members under cut !

park jay

he doesn't really tease you about it, but he just also really loves your height difference

would never admit it tho!!

he. gives. u. his. clothes. to. wear. all. the. time.

"you look so small in my clothes, baby!!"

when he gives u a shirt to wear, he sees how small your arms look and how long it is on you

just stares at you like 😍🥰💘

HE PLACES THINGS ON HIGH SHELVES SO HE CAN COME HELP YOU

“i’m here to save you, my princess!”

“it’s a jar of pickles, jay”

he just uwu’s each time he sees you and adores u so much

sim jake

give me a second to process this

HE’S SO CUTE

TOOTH ROTTINGINGLY SWEET TO YOU

YOU KNOW HIS LITTLE GIGGLE THAT HE DOES

DOES THAT EVERY TIME HE SEES YOU

he’s so obsessed with you it’s not even funny

he loves to hug you and cuddle you because you feel so small in his embrace

okay hear me out

i feel like he ruffles your hair and gives u head pats

he’s just so in love with u

adorable

when you steal his hoodies and sweaters at first he’s like “isn’t that mine 🤨🤨”

but he can’t stay mad at you when he sees your little arms!!

just uwus each time he sees u #2

park sunghoon

oh he teases you about it

he secretly LOVES it

but u think he’ll admit it?? never

he always stands up and is like "where's y/n??" BC U ARENT EVEN IN HIS LINE OF SIGHT HELP

he always says he isn’t clingy or anything but HE’S the one always holding onto YOUR hand

uses ur head as an arm rest

when u says something he just goes “hmm?? sorry baby, can’t hear u from down there”

but he loves u dw

piggy back rides!!

takes u on little adventures through the house <33

loves to cuddle you though

again, never admits it

“well i guess if you want to cuddle me so badly”

“sunghoon i’m working”

“WELL IF U INSIST”

and then pulls u in and hugs u really tightly >.<

kim sunoo

ADORES U

TREATS U LIKE A LITTLE PUPPY IK HE DOES

he loves when u sit in between his legs or lean into his chest

clings to u like a koala :|

"sunoo, u can let go-"

"NO! ur so small, if i let go i might lose you!"

play fights with u a lot!!

like u always like shove him (playfully)

and he always captures u in a hug 🤧🤧

u stand on a chair and ur like “look im taller than u!!”

and then he just laughs and swoops u into another hug

shows u off SO MUCH

loves to post about u like “my baby is so small!!”

also because it makes him feel tall :|

He also just loves the thought of taking care of u!!

yang jungwon

okay hear me out

he’s the shortest enha member right

SO IMAGINE HIS EXCITEMENT TO HAVE SOMEONE SHORTER THAN HIM !!

he’s like “my baby is so small!!” #2

he teases u SO MUCH!!

i’d cry please

he purposefully puts things on higher shelves to go help u

“can you reach this?? should i carry you??”

and you’re like 😑😑 BC U SAW HIM PUT IT UP THERE

WONT ADMIT IT THO!!

hes so happy with ur height difference though

honestly though

he does baby you

but he also likes u babying him 🤧🤧

again, won’t admit it tho!!

nishimura riki

THIS TALL CHILD.

what kind of milk is he drinking?? he better give you some

expect teasing to be a part of your daily agenda

you can be breathing and he’s like

“aw, you‘re so short :(“ and he says it all sadly BUT THERES A SMILE RIGHT ON HIS FACE!!

one time he stood at the stop of the stairs and was like

“you look so small from up here!!”

you were like 😐

came back down giggling like crazy

WHEN H HOLD HANDS HE JUST LOOKS AT THE SIZE DIFFERENCE PLEASE

this kid is a chaotic titan prove me wrong

you can just be standing there and he PICKS YOU UP AND RUNS AROUND WITH YOU

he doesn’t really baby you, if anything u baby him

“how can someone so massive be such a child”

“SHUT UP YOU’RE 2 CM TALL”

you look at him like “🤨 say that again”

just stares at u 😐

he loves u tho!!

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alreadyblondenow · 3 years

Text

Hold it all together

“Hey uhm what do you think about me being your sister’s boyfriend?”

Pairing: Johnny x female!reader, childhood best friends to lovers

Genre: SMUT, FLUFF

WC: 1,970k

Warnings: mentions of exchanging nudes, a lot kissing, unorotected sex, mentions of condoms, its just soft sex guys hahha mentiins of dreamies being the reader’s brothers.

A/N: NOT PROOFREAD. I’ll fix it once I have time. To the

Happy, excited, and sleepless. Today is the first day of Johnny’s spring break and he has been waiting for this day, the moment freshman year started... because this is the only time he can go home and finally see you again.

Johnny has been your childhood best friend and you two are basically inseparable. Well, except when he needed to leave for college. Of course you’re devastated the whole summer just before Johnny leaves. And it was that season, you both admitted your feelings for each other. Feelings that has been bottled up for too long finally and suddenly bursted out during a friendly kiss that turned into a passionate one which led to a slow and intimate sex the night before he left.

It has been almost half a year when that fateful night happened, but everything feels so fresh for him still. After what happened between you and Johnny, your relationship with each other did not progressed to something even more serious. Although you exchange nudes from time to time, FaceTime until the morning and say ‘i miss you’ to each other together with other sweet words.

And that is why Johnny is driving his way home to you with a bouquet of flowers on the front seat of his car, fighting through his sleepiness and keeping himself awake until he reaches your house to surprise you.

When he finally arrived first thing in the morning, he met your mom first and told you that he’s here to surprise you. “She’s still sleeping, but you can wake her up if you want to. She misses you so bad,” your mom said to Johnny. He then made this way to your room with the flowers in his hand and entered quietly, careful not to disturb your sleep. He placed the flowers on your bedside table near a photo he took for you and smiled in awe because you always cherish everything he gave you.

Feeling so sleepy and tired from the long drive, he removed his shoes and joined you under the covers. Slinging his arm around your waist and finally waking you up with soft kiss on your cheek. “I’m home,” he whispered softly. You rolled to face him, surprised but you’re both so sleepy to show it so you returned his hug and hugged him tightly. The moment you laid eyes on him, his eyes were already closed, comfortable and more than happy that he can feel your presence.

And as you both sleep together in your small bed, well, small because Johnny is a big person, you bask in his warmth and meet him in your dreams. Not wasting any second without each other.

“You must be really tired” you said when he finally woke up, raking his soft hair away from his face.

He nodded and smiled at you. Finally. He thought. “What time is it?”

“Almost afternoon. But no one cares,” you said and came closer to him, finally kissing those lips you missed so much. He rolled on top of you, putting his whole weight on you while kissing you breathlessly on the lips, neck and chest. His hands were perfectly placed on your waist, his thumb is drawing small circles on your skin and as if he’s asking permission to lift your shirt and see you without your clothes on.

He pulled away to remove his thick hoodie and plain white shirt, leaving him only with his denim pants. You noticed his body changed a lot, sure the nude photos he sends were great and it makes you miss him more, but seeing Johnny again in between your legs without a shirt on and looking hot as fuck just makes you crave for him. “This is so much better than the photos you send me,”

He let out a satisfied smile and started to unbutton his denim pants and remove it in front of you. You on the other hand, removed your pajama and welcomed him in your arms again. Kissing him deeper than ever and making him touch your boobs and squeeze them, which makes you automatically part your lips and want for more.

“Have you been fucking different girls from different sororities?” You joked in between kissing him and palming his clothed cock.

“Wouldn’t even dare. How can I even think of fucking other girls, knowing that this pussy is waiting for me?” he knew you were only joking and put his thumb on your clothed pussy. Teasing you with the right amount of pressure, careful not to make you cum so early.

“How about you? Have you been seeing other guys?” you smiled and removed your shirt, throwing it somewhere and finally exposing yourself to him. He then kissed every inch of you, hands freely roam around your body, and even tickling you from time to time.

“How can I even try seeing other guys, when I already have who I want?”

You didn’t see but Johnny smiled because of your answer while he’s placing butterfly kisses all the way down your body. Kissing you lovingly and showing you how much he misses you.

After the innocent kisses, you feel him reach for your panties and hook his fingers on the garter, slowly pulling it down while he kisses your inner thighs. Preparing you to what comes next and spreading your legs a little too harsh than expected that you yelped and your body was dragged on the mattress.

“Oops. Sorry, got carried away,” he sweetly apologized to you, kissing you on the cheek before he proceeds again.

That sudden harsh movement was the real Johnny in bed. You’ve only had sex with him once, now is only the second time. But word is, Johnny fucks hard in bed. Everyone knows that because he slept with a handful of girls during high school and you’re just this supportive friend that listens to him talk about a great night or a great fuck the other night.

“Hey,” Johnny snapped his fingers and went on top of you again, intertwining his fingers with yours and kissing your knuckles before he makes you embrace him. “What’s the matter?”

“N-nothing. I’m just swimming in my thoughts. Uhm, what did you said again?”

“I asked if you want to use a condom”

“Uh. I don’t have one... do you-“

“Nope,” he said with a smirk. You suddenly remember that he loves fucking raw but what you don’t know is, you’re the first person he ever fucked raw. “Just tell me if it hurts. Again. Okay?”

He said, and you nod. Lining his cock on your entrance while he kisses your neck and kissing your boobs as he pushes in slowly. Tighter and tighter, your grip on his shoulders becomes. The familiar stretch of Johnny’s cock just makes your eyes shut and take him whole. Savouring every thrust he gives you, feeling every inch of cock inside you. It’s so big, you tell to yourself.

“Sorry, it’s bigger now because I’m so horny and I haven’t had sex since our last” he explained with ragged breaths near your ear.

“It’s okay,” is all you can manage to say.

He fucked you slow and deep or fast and sloppy. Either way it felt good and it surprised you how long you lasted this time.

Then suddenly he pulled away, spreading your legs wider as he changes his position. Having a better view of your bouncing boobs and fucked expression that never fails to turn him on. “Fuck Y/n,” he whined and reached for your boobs as he moves slower. Matching your moans and groans because he’s so close too. He then closes the space between you two and kissed you on the lips again like you’re about to disappear any second. Holding on to your body so tight that you’re sure it’s going to leave marks. Then suddenly your eyes rolled back and you’re breathing heavily and moaning a little too loud but no one will hear. Your orgasm completely washed you away and its all thanks to Johnny.

You smiled at him and reached for kisses to calm both of you down. “Was it a good one?” He was talking about the orgasm.

“The. Best.” You said in between kissing. “Did you come inside me?” He shook his head no. “Good. I’m not on the pill,”

“Kind of made a mess tho,” he looked to the direction of where he shoot his cum and it was on your lower abdomen and bed sheets. It was thick. His cum was so thick and many, that he was already embarrassed.

“Is it obvious that i missed you?” He asked. Kissing you on your forehead sincerely before he proceeds to clean his mess up.

“I think I need to shower,” you said.

“Okay, I’ll cover for you,”

While you were busy cleaning yourself, Johnny made himself decent again and decided to go downstairs to greet Mark and Jeno, your brothers. And eventually have breakfast with them.

“Hey uhm what do you think about me being your sister’s boyfriend?” He casually asked them and stuffed sausage in his mouth.

“Heck yeah that’s what I’m talking about man! Yo, just dont hurt her” Mark exclaimed in excitement thens suddenly turned serious.

“I won’t,” Johnny answered.

“And don’t make her miss you too much because you know we cant trust long distance relationship these days,” Jeno added.

Johnny agrees and said, “I will visit her every month”

“Don’t get her pregnant. I mean yet- get her pregnant when it’s the righ time- you get what i mean” Mark awkwardly added.

“O...kay. I’ll use condoms from now on. Anything else?”

“Dude just make her happy like you always do,”

“I will” Johnny said with a proud smile.

“Aren’t you boys should be cleaning the pool?” And the two boys immediately scrammed and quickly did their chores. Leaving you and Johnny in the kitchen with the food. Pinching Johnny’s cheek because now that you can see him clearly, you see a lot of changes.

“Only you can do that to me” he said then caught your hand and intertwined it with yours, he has become bold you notice. He pulled you closer to him while he finishes his juice, but the atmosphere is hetting a little stuffy and awkward so you tried having a conversation.

“Do you want to shower? I still have some of your clothes” you offered.

“Mhmm. Keep those, I have stuff in my car”

You nod and suddenly it was silent.

“Hey y/n, I was thinking of making it official between us. I mean if you want to. I just think that we’ve been flirting with each other for some time now and wed make a pretty good team,”

“ I thought you’d never ask. Took you longer than expected tho,” you put another sausage in his mouth ”The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is to love, and be loved in return.”

“Im just scared to fuck it up,” he sighed in relief “thank you for loving me back. I promise to take care of you 5000 more times than before”

“I’ll do the same... and wow you just asked me to be your girlfriend in the middle of our kitchen. How romantic.” He smiled handsomely then suddenly remembered one last thing.

“Oh by the way we uhm we need to start using condoms. I promised mark,”

“What-“

“I know right. Fucking you raw is good but your brother said to not get you pregnant”

“Ugh mark...” you moved your chair and hugged him tightly feeling him kiss the top of your head and cheek nonstop while you continue to eat.

The day may have started filthily, but it ended with a decently soft kiss on your temple from your best friend now boyfriend.

#nct-writers #neosmutcollective #cznnet #neowritingsnet #kpopscape #nct smut #johnny smut #nct Johnny #nct Johnny smut #nct 127 #johnny suh x reader #johnny x reader #nct johnny x reader #nct #johnny fluff

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sukirichi · 4 years

Note

a little think i thought of today:

reader who’s ranting to some man at the bar (toji) that their boyfriend (megumi) isn’t able to please them anymore. toji knows it’s megumi’s significant other and takes the reader home to show them that that fushiguro dick should be like. mans just absolutely puts the reader in a mating press and RAW DOGS them (doesn’t have to cum in them but certainly could👀). ends with toji dropping the bomb that megumi is her son and gives the reader an absolute shock factor. reader is distraught but doesn’t have the heart to tell megumi.

enjoy my thirst & sorry for the horny (10 bonks for me)

-🐌

warnings: nsfw under the cut, dub-con, rough sex, don’t read if you’re uncomfortable!

Oh my gosh, this idea is SEKC. I took long to respond because I wanted to give a scenario or small drabble for this, but my eyes are worn out and screw it, I’m jumping on thirst land with you. first of all, HELL YES. you’re just so tired and stressed out that you’re just not attracted to megumi anymore, and you wonder if maybe you’re falling out of love, or really, the sex is just really bad. it isn’t that Megumi is bad in bed, but he’s so stressed from work that sex with him is mostly just lame fucking for release, and you like to savor your time, you know?

you don’t want a “cheap fix.” so just as megumi passes out after an orgasm beside you, you clean yourself up and go to a nightclub, dressing sexily because you NEED to feel sexy after that lame excuse of a fuck.

then you meet dilf toji.

he’s dark, tall, handsome, and funny. easy to talk to as well. tyou share a few drinks and you’re lost in each other’s presence, the grinding and sexual chaos of typical nightclubs just fading into the background, THEN you finally get to the topic of why you’re there.

toji is there simply because he’s taking a break after a long day of work (aka being a hitman lmfao) and then SHYLY, but also desperate to tell someone because your friends would make fun of you if you told them, you admit you don’t enjoy sex with your partner anymore. that you’re mostly just being used to relieve some stress and you don’t even get to cum. you’re annoyed, irritated, and with all that pent-up sexual tension, you’re fucking horny.

meanwhile, toji is just there like, “oh, really? he’s not even making you feel good? not even a little clit rubbing?” it makes you flustered with how he’s teasing you but you’re like, “yeah, it’s just awful. i can’t even look him in the afce without wanting to punch him.”

toji goes, “well, i can always help you, if you’d like.”

and yeah the uber driver is SCARRED because you’re dry humping in the backseat and you’re like ohshitohshit but also, his body is so big and warm and he makes you feel AROUSED and WANTED and you’re really horny, so you can’t really care anymore.

toji is just cocky that you can’t keep your hands off him, and you go to his house because ofc, megumi’s asleep in your home.

you make out and strip clothes all the way to the bedroom, so eager to fuck each other that your bra is on the chandelier, panties are on the countertop, and your dress is somewhere under the coffee table. it’s a mess, but a hot mess.

toji is a PLEASER. he’s the type to show off his strength and how good he can make someone feel, and he’s determined to give you the dicking of your life, and also to set a standard that, “this is how fushiguro dick should be like.” you both go at it so hard that you don’t even notice the framed photo in his living room with toji attending megumi’s college graduation.

he fucks you RAW. after assurance that you’re on the pill, ofc, but also because he wants you to feel every ridge and vein of his cock. wants to feel you creaming down on him and walls tightening around his fat cock and he is BIG.

you aren’t a virgin, but it sure does feel like you are because of how his fat cock stretches you. and when he bottoms out? you can barely breathe.

he’s just starting tho. he will press your thighs on your stomach and have your knees planted beside your head just so he can have full access to your pussy, and the squelching sounds are so pornographic you’re putting an adult star to shame. you’re screaming and squirting all over his cock, but his sex drive is so high that he’s not even close, so he just keeps pounding into you until you’re drooling and fucked out in his sheets. body sore, love bites everywhere, but you’re not complaining because it’s been such a long time you’ve been fucked good, and you’re still not satisfied.

doesn’t really cum in you because he’d rather see your pretty face covered in him and would most likely bust a nut just from seeing you swallow his thick cum, and when you’re panting and about to pass out from the best fucking of your life, you see his ID peaking out from his discarded pants, and it reads toji fushiguro.

“wait, fushiguro?” your heart drops from your chest, and you slowly peek at toji who’s also still trying to catch his breath. he DID just make you cum six times after all, and he’s had a long day at work, so cut him some slack. “would you happen to know a megumi fushiguro?”

the grin on his face is absolutely shit-eating. “yeah, he’s my son,” he finally drops the bomb, and you feel like you’re about to explode. “i hope i’ve done our family name some justice. i must say though - i’m surprised megumi has a really pretty girlfriend.”

#toji x reader #fushiguro toji x reader #toji x reader smut #jujutsu kaisen x reader #tw:dubcon #asks #THIRSTS #anon:🐌#i love your big sekc brain 😫😫😫💖💖💖

732 notes · View notes

kingkatsuki · 3 years

Note

The (fake) artist!reader anon is a genius! But but but, what if you can draw?

You're not the best at it, but you do it as a hobby, drawing scandalous fanart of your favorite 2D guys! And he knows about this little hobby of yours but he doesn't really know what it is that you draw exactly! You secretly take photos of him when he's not looking to use as references because you know what they say, if you wanna draw a hot guy you need an even hotter guy as reference!

So one day when you're at work and he's at home relaxing because it's one of his rare days off, he takes your iPad to play a game and check the news because he can't do that with a Nokia 3310 and finds your tmblr you should have logged out and sees all the fanart you posted! At first he's kinda jealous that you draw other guys naked but then a little light bulb goes on in his head!

You come home from work and he had already cooked dinner, you eat and then relax on the couch, he's watching tv and you're on your phone scrolling through your notes, reading all the lewd comments and tags people left on your latest post with a smile on your face! Suddenly he picks you up, sits you on his lap and starts kissing his way from your collarbones to your lips! You start making out and after a few kisses he pulls back and says with his gruff voice "I want you to draw me like your French 2D guys".

-🙊

Imagine if he finds all the reference pictures too tho? So he knows you’ve been drawing him? And he’s like “if you’re gonna use me as a reference you might as well draw my face too, princess” and you’re so flustered because he was actually okay with you drawing him? You thought he’d get so mad or think it was weird but he’s just in awe of how talented you are🥺🥺🥺

You know he offers to pose for you too, the cocky fuck. And then you’re doing it and he gets restless like it doesn’t take a while to draw something.

Probably asks why you won’t draw yourself with him too, and you bite your lip when you tell him the reasons why— and he practically insists you draw him a picture with you both in it😳

#🙊Anon

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realcube · 4 years

Text

haikyuu!! boys’ reactions to you speaking 💗 uwu💗

characters: tsukishima, ushijima, yaku, kenma & iwazumi

thank you anon for this cute request 💕 idk what i just wrote but i had fun 👍

IWAIZUMI & KENMA’S ARE AGED UP! MUTURE THEMES - MINORS DNI

tw// fluff, swearing, uwu language, cwinge

kenma’s hcs tw// sexual themes, implied switch!reader, phone sex(?), mentions of a blowjob, mentions of punishment

iwaizumi’s hcs tw// breeding kink, fem!reader, orgasm denial

Kei Tsukishima

you realised he didn’t like it so you did it just to annoy him LMFAO

he was scrolling through tiktok and a girl popped up on his fyp talking like that, so he snarled and immediately flicked it away, muttering something along the lines of ‘why do people speak like that? do they think it’s cute? ‘cause it’s really not; it’s just embarrassing.’

so you wasted no time in responding, ‘sowwy? what was that?’

HELL 👏 FIRE

his blood literally ran cold, he was aware that you liked taking the piss but he didn’t expect you to do it to this extent

‘what did you just say?’ he murmured, silently praying that he had just misheard you

you rolled your eyes before scoffing ‘nothing.’ you deepened your voice, just playing around at this point tbh

tsukishima hummed in agreement, deciding not to inquire further as he figured that he must’ve heard the echo of the girl’s voice in his head rather than yours

so he was just about go back to scrolling until he heard you coo in a high-pitched from behind him, ‘tsukishima is a lil’ bitch.’

‘(Y/N), FUCKING STOP!’ he let a throaty scream at you

‘you’re so boring, tsukki-’ you spoke, quickly cutting yourself off so you could switch to your uwu voice, ‘or should I say; bowing.’

you said, hopeful that your voice would make it clearing that you meant ‘boring’ rather than the act of playing an instrument with a bow

‘go to hell.’ he grumbled, trying his best to tune you out by pulling his headphones over his ears

‘babe~’ you purred, shuffling over to him and peppering kisses along the nape of his neck as you were feeling extra evil today, ‘wuv you~’

‘jail.’ tsukishima simply stated as he switched over to Spotify so he could blare some Mother Mother to drown out the sound of your voice

the worst part was that he couldn’t even tell if he liked it or not PFFT

like it was cute but the fact you weaponised it against him annoyed him

but you were also giving him kithes so he couldn’t exactly complain 💞

Morisuke Yaku

ok don’t even lie yaku does a variant of the uwu voice whenever he’s trying to insult kuroo IUGBEIGVA

it’s something like ‘aww, kuwoo, does your lil’ undewdeveloped bwain not undewstand algebwa?’ but in a mocking way yk?

so when a he watches a lil’ tabby cat approach you on the street, then you busted out the uwu voice that he had never heard before- he was taken aback

at first he was like ‘woah why are you making fun of that cat?’ bc he always associated that voice with ridicule LMFAO

but when he processed all the nice things you were saying he realised that you were being nice lol

so then he was like ‘awwww 🥺 (y/n) + cat = SO FKN CUTE!! 💕💗💖’ *click click* and he just starts taking photos

he probably puts them on his private story with the caption ‘their an angel 😍’

(then kuroo probably replies with ‘they’re*’) (don’t ask why yaku put him on his private story ✋)

anyway, he’s probably so fond of the voice too like ofc he thinks it’s cute

bc it’s a lil’ kitten and you’re talking to it in a high-pitched voice as if it can understand you SO FKN CUTE

he’s not too effected by it tho- it’s mostly how well you get on with the cat that he really admires

then he couched down beside you to talk to the cat too and y’all had a whole conversation with it in uwu

‘aww, look! are you hungwy, baby?’ you asked the cat as it licked the back of it’s paw

‘i think, it is!’ yaku continued, aware that if anybody from school caught him doing this, he’d pass away on the spot but what can he say? he’s soft for you (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

‘i have some blueberries in my bag, you can have some if you say please.’ he told the cat

you were both met by the cat’s blank - but adorable - stare, accompanied by silence until the kitten let out a faint, ‘mew’

‘AWWWWWW!!! 💞💕💖🥺👏 ’ you both squealed in unison, impressed by the kitten’s response

‘it understands us!’ you gasped while applauding the cat for it’s excellent communication skills

‘the voice must work!’ yaku concluded as he scrambled to throw his bag off his back and rummage through it in search of the tub of blueberries

you nodded, watching in awe as yaku pulled out the tub to carefully pick out the plumpest berries and feed them to the cat

yaku noticed your expression out of the corner of his eye and chuckled, ‘what?’

‘you’re so cute.’ you snickered, lighting bopping his nose with your index finger as he continued to allow the cat to feed out of the palm of his hand

a furious blush immediately covered his cheeks as he hastily turned his head away to hide it - in a typical anime fashion, ‘be quiet.’

Kenma Kuzome

it’s a sex thing-- it’s 100% a sex thing

a kink perhaps?

ngl he loves it when you do the voice in bed

like don’t ask why it turns him on so much

he’s weak for you whenever you do the voice tbh

BUT it’s only hot when you do it

when any other person does it - especially if it’s over text - he literally gags 🤢🤢🤢

when a streamer he watches does the voice, he’s just thinks ‘ew ✋ that isn’t cute. pls stop.’

but when you do it- boner alert pfft

especially when you moan in that voice yES HE LOVES THAT

you just execute it in a way these other bitches just can’t, okay? 💅 IUERBGFERIBG

he doesn’t mind putting the voice on sometimes if you like it when he does it but he’s really embarrassed by it 🙈

he’ll try to say something in the voice while you’re rearranging his guts for a change and you’re praising him like 👏👏👏 ‘awh, precious kenma bb.i love that voice on you, i might just let you cum early--’

and he’s fucking groaning from pain, pleasure and humiliation

‘never again.’ was the single coherent thought he could form

you’re only giving like 20% of the time but if you happen to giving on a day that you’re feeling especially evil, you might make him do the voice in exchange for orgasm privileges

but he gets you back for it though

you’d call him, whining and pleading for him to help you with the throbbing between your legs or at the very least, give you permission to touch yourself

but considering that the day prior, you had tortured his ass to the point were he was now struggling to sit down, ofc he was just like ‘no ❤’ when you ask for his assistance

even after your continuous begging, he didn’t budge

‘don’t you dare put your hands on yourself until i get home. i’m leaving right now so i should be back in half an hour but if you keep pestering me like a little bitch, then i’ll be sure to go extra slow on the highway.’

although, for kenma ‘extra slow’ is probably the speed limit lmao

(istg he drives like he’s in mario kart)

however, half an hour was just too long 😩 i mean, you had probably been on call with him for 5 minutes already and it took you 20 minutes to get him to pick up the phone so by now, you were clearly on the brink of madness

‘kitten~’ you whined, desperately trying to think of a way to convince kenma to aid you

then you remembered; his weak spot

‘pwease, baby?’ you softened and raised the pitch of your voice

kenma perked up as he realised what you were trying to do, the tips of his ears burning, ‘don’t bother to try that with me, (y/--’

‘i’ll suck you off when you come back.’ you promised, keeping the voice on, the aching getting worse and worse by the second

kenma was now partially able to relate to your circumstance as he began to feel a straining of his own, between his legs at your cutesy tone along with the image of the last time you blew him tormenting his mind

‘whatever. but only use your hands. i can tell when you use a toy so don’t even try; or else i’ll dick you down ‘til the sun rises- okay bye.’

atm the moment, that hardly sounded like a punishment but then you reflected back on how you’d be crying for a mercy after the fourth round with kenma so- yeah

anyway, moral of the story, if you perform the voice well enough, it’s basically kenma’s weakness so use it wisely

Hajime Iwaizumi

you first did the voice in front of him while you had a friend’s baby in your arms and you were trying to communicate with it

it kinda looked like

you: hewwo babyy~ who’s the most precious thing? you are!

the baby: 🤠

the parent: 🙂

iwa: 😶

iwa ON THE INSIDE: breeding kink go brrrr 😩 i want to put a baby in her so bad- she’ll scream my name in that fucking voice tonight

and he was right

cut to him pounding you while demanding that you say his name in ✨the voice✨ or else you won’t be allowed to cum

ofc you had too much pride for that so you just let him dick you down and cum whether he likes it or not but he could tell that was the plan you had in mind so he suddenly pulled out just as you were about to reach your high

he looked at you with a mean scowl, ‘fucking say it or i’ll stop right now.’

if he were to stop, it would kinda be a punishment for him too but he didn’t care- anything to see his lovely gf suffer tbh 😇

also he could get off to you fingering yourself, struggling to orgasm- he’s done it before and he’ll gladly do it again if you don’t say his damn name

‘iwa..’ you groaned, gripping at the sheets as you anticipated him sliding his cock back into you

‘in the voice.’ iwaizumi reiterated, delivering a hard smack to the side of your thigh out of annoyance

you hissed at the sharp impact , gulping to lubricate your dry throat before choking out in your best imitation of the voice he desired, ‘iwa~’

he was only half-satisfied with what you uttered but i mean, it got the job done

his dick was throbbing, practically begging for the comfort of your warm cunt once again so he hastily slipped back in, letting out a low groan as he did so

so he’d continue hammer you from behind, probably muttering incoherent things about your babies and your voice while doing so but you chose to pay little attention to it as you couldn’t help but focus on your own intense pleasure

once he finally climaxed, he did it inside you which you wasn’t surprising as y’all had already established that you love being being filled up and he loves filling you up 💕

but then he insisted that y’all go for another few rounds to increase the chance of pregnancy

like- sir-

you didn’t have the heart to tell him that you were on birth control

bc surely......he would’ve known

but he didn’t

you eventually told him that you had no interest in coming off birth control and he wasn’t mad LMAO he didn’t even want a baby tbh he was just caught up in the moment

yeah no but if you do the voice again, the cycle will continue

Wakatoshi Ushijima

you were both hanging out in your bedroom, doing your own things, and you were sending your friend a (video) snap so you ironically used the uwu voice

ofc this caught his attention so he shifted his gaze off of his revision sheets and onto you, shooting you a weird look

you couldn’t help but snicker, turning to him and continuing with your little impression, ‘can i hewp you?’ you tried to ask in all seriousness but you couldn’t suppress the smile that was tugging on the corners of your lip

were you a little high? yes

ushijima just blinked rapidly, wondering why you sound like a cuter version of mickey mouse all of a sudden

was it a trend?

or maybe it was for one of those ‘tiktoks’?

either way, ushijima couldn’t help what he said next

‘no. i’m fiwne.’

IUERSBGTOHAROHSGBGFRO

HE SAID IT LIKE ‘fi - whine’ THO

you passed away 💀⚰

‘TOSHI!!!’ you screamed, feeling your soul leave your body

ushijima gasped, thinking that you had just been possessed or sumn, ‘hm?’

once he realised that you were in fact sane, he figured that your reaction must have something to do with his response

‘did i say something wrong?’ his lips curling into the tiniest of smiles, simply because you looked so joyous so ofc he was he was happy seeing you happy

‘nope! please say it again, toshi! i’m beggin’ ya’

‘no.’

although he loved hearing you laugh more than anything, the man had his limits

ngl he doesn’t mind when you do it - it just doesn’t especially effect him, that’s all

you could just randomly start talking like that during a conversation and he’ll just go from 😐 to 😐

but he gets butterflies when you call him ‘baby’ which is something you usually pickup whenever you put on the voice lol <3

pls call him ‘baby’ or ‘babe’ more he just wants to feel cared for and loved for a change instead of always having to constantly put on a front of ‘big, stoic man with no feeling that you can push around to your hearts content’ around literally everyone. sometimes he just wants to come home and feel like he can actually express himself and be soft without getting ridiculed

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retrievablememories · 3 years

Text

picture me | johnny (m)

title: picture me pairing: vampire!johnny x black!reader genre: fantasy, romance, smut, fluff, angst summary: you meet a vampire-slash-photographer whose self-identity is increasingly lost to him, and you try to help him find some purpose again. word count: 18.3k warnings: age gap (cuz you know, vampires...but everyone is legal), mentions of discrimination/prejudice based on species, self-identity issues/self-deprecation, general angst, sheltered!reader, mentions of blood and drinking blood, oral sex (female and male receiving), fingering, thigh riding, loss of virginity, corruption kink, use of lube, unprotected sex (do not try at home), creampie, johnny is packing in this fic ok! a/n: today (the 28th) is my birthday, so i’m posting this 100% self-indulgent fic that i’ve been working on between requests since september. it was very hard to get johnny’s characterization right for this fic and idk if i actually succeeded but i’m not revising this for the 1000th time lol. i love this fic with my whole heart tho.

i haven’t seen many vampire fics that really explore the whole “doesn’t show up in mirrors/photos” concept (shout em out if you know em) and...there’s probably a reason for that, this shit is hard af to write and there are some logic issues but whatever 🤪

(the beginning quote is from “criminal,” stan taemin!!)

The moment I fall for you is the end of my innocence

—

He sits in the same coffee shop everyday, like it’s a habit he just can’t break. But who are you to judge? You’re there, too. Watching him like a creep. Or maybe like an interested coffee shop patron, trying to be discreet and failing at it.

He wasn’t hard to notice. You’d never been to this coffee shop before, but your friend recommended it to you mostly for their in-house-made pastries; she claimed the coffee was good, too, but she wasn’t much of a caffeine person. You decided to give it a try when you had time between classes and a moment to breathe, not needing to talk to this advisor or that professor.

You saw him immediately when you walked past the shop window. He was sitting at a table near the front, staring down at his phone with a small cup of coffee sitting in front of him. Its miniscule size was almost comical in contrast to his...everything. He was tall—that much was obvious even with him sitting down—and imposing, wearing all black. His hair was equally pitch-black, his bangs hanging to one side and the rest shaved in an undercut. If you didn’t know much better, you’d think you’d stepped back into 2007 and landed dead in the middle of the emo craze.

He was interesting to look at. Not in a bad way, but in a way you don’t see very often. Deciding to walk in before you made yourself look totally weird staring at him through the window, you’d stepped into the coffee shop, the small bell dinging above your head. A barista greeted you at your entrance. Out of the corner of your eye you saw the man, to your left, still looking at his phone.

You’d given your order and waited for it to be ready before taking it to a table on the other side of the shop. From that vantage point, you had a good view of the man. You tried to keep your eyes on your food and your phone, not wanting to spend the whole time looking at him, but it was a little hard not to.

When you took a bite of your pastry, you quickly discovered it was just as delicious as your friend promised—probably even more so. You made a noise of approval before you could catch yourself, and you glanced around the shop in embarrassment to see if anyone nearby noticed. Didn’t seem like it, at first. But then you glanced over to the man again only to find him looking at you below his eyelashes with a small, amused smile on his lips. He only kept his gaze on you for a second before returning to his phone.

What? You hadn’t thought you were that loud. How did he hear you from over there, and above the noise of the café? Even now, you remember how embarrassed you’d felt, ducking your head and looking away.

The man finished his coffee not long after that; he slipped his phone into his pocket and stood up. You glanced up only momentarily when he stood, but your eyes soon slid back to his form when you noticed something odd. On the wall behind him, there was a big oval mirror sitting pretty in its elaborate silver frame. He stood just a few feet in front of it, yet there was no reflection of him. The only thing you could see was the other side of the café reflected back, with another man sitting alone at a booth enjoying his own coffee. The tall man’s reflection was nowhere to be found.

That was when you figured he must be a vampire.

You’d never met one before. At least, you didn’t think you had until then.

Unbeknownst to you, vampires are notoriously able to blend in more easily than most other supernatural beings—until faced with situations like that one in the coffee shop. Ultimately, there’s no faking a reflection no matter how hard you try to remain inconspicuous.

The man had caught your eye again. Thinking back on it, you aren’t sure of what expression you had on your face or what it must’ve looked like to him. It must’ve been something akin to surprise, though; you weren’t quick enough to disguise your reaction at his lack of a reflection.

He gave you another smile, though it felt sadder than the previous one, and walked out of the store, the small bell on the door ringing at his departure. He disappeared down the street in a swirl of black fabric, almost like something out of a movie, and you watched him retreat until you could see him no more.

You scraped your index fingernail over the wood table your food was resting on, your mind whirring with all kinds of thoughts. Your interest was piqued. And yet there was no way for you to know if you’d see him again.

—

At least, that’s what you believed then. Luckily for you, your subsequent visits to the coffee shop have proven fruitful; the strange, tall vampire is there more often than not, always in the same spot in front of that same mirror. Sometimes he reads a book, other times he looks at his phone, and other times still, he stares out the window at the passersby.

He acknowledges you whenever he sees you, either with a nod or a smile. You’ve never spoken to each other, though you know what his voice sounds like from hearing him talk to the baristas. It’s a nice voice, rich and handsome like him, and you find yourself gradually wanting to hear it spoken in your direction. But you aren’t sure how to talk to him, or what you should say.

There’s a lot you want to know about him and his vampirism, but you don’t think it’s fair to bombard him with questions right after meeting him—if you could somehow work up the nerve for that first step.

When you were young, your parents made sure to keep you safely sheltered away from anyone who could potentially be a vampire or any other nonhuman being. This game kept up until you went to college, where they could no longer “shield” you. Because of their lifelong fear and disgust, your knowledge of nonhuman beings is scarce and mostly inaccurate.

The man’s skin isn’t deathly pale like you’ve heard others say vampires always are. It’s nicely tanned, in fact. Nor are his eyes red, or his canine teeth abnormally sharp. And obviously, he has no aversion to sunlight, otherwise he wouldn’t be out here during the day. The only visible marker of his inhuman nature is his lack of a reflection. Maybe he’s not a vampire at all? Maybe he’s another type of being entirely. That only makes you more curious.

It’s not rare to come across supernatural beings, but they only make themselves known if they want to, or if it’s imperative to their survival. Most of them would rather quietly assimilate amongst humans or stay safe and hidden within their own communities. Humans are still too judgmental towards those who are different from themselves for nonhumans to feel truly safe or welcomed—at least not on a global scale. Small pockets of communities forged with human allies are helpful and sometimes vital for survival, but not always enough.

These small tidbits of information cycle through your mind as September gradually bleeds into October. You continue watching the thoughtful man in the coffee shop and making up your own secret theories about his life. You haven’t told anyone from school about this, because you already know the reaction would be nothing short of awful. Your parents would only let you go to school at the one university in the city that explicitly didn’t allow supernatural beings; it goes without saying that your classmates don’t view them in a positive light.

Part of you feels like you might be breaking the unspoken rules just by being at this coffee shop all the time and allowing this man to take up space in your mind. But who will know what’s inside your thoughts except you?

One day, your friend decides to accompany you on your lunch break, finally stopping by the café she recommended to you. The man is already there, as usual, and he smiles slightly when you and your friend enter. She doesn’t catch this, too busy wondering what she’s going to get off the menu today.

“I haven’t been here in forever, I wonder if Sam still remembers me?” You know Sam to be one of the baristas there, having read it on their name tag before.

“I doubt there are very many people who’d forget you,” you answer.

When you both have your food, you take a booth farther away from where the man sits, though you can still see him easily from this distance. Your friend settles into the seat in front of you.

You try to keep things inconspicuous throughout your conversation, but you must glance over at him one too many times, because your friend eventually raises her eyebrows questioningly. She turns around in her seat, making it obvious that she’s looking, and you groan as you keep your eyes in the opposite direction towards the window.

“Who’s that guy you keep staring at?”

You cough. “No one.”

“He’s obviously someone. Someone interesting enough to hold your attention.”

“I don’t know the man,” you say curtly. You shuffle your napkin and spoon aimlessly, your nervousness rising. What if he has some kind of enhanced hearing and can hear what you’re saying right now? He definitely heard you make that noise that first day.

Your friend looks at the ceiling and blows air out of her mouth. “Whatever. I’ll find out who he is sooner or later.”

You take a sip of your drink and lower your voice to just above a whisper. Although you want to leave the subject alone, you’re curious about one thing. “You mean you’ve never seen him before? This café was your hangout spot before it was mine.”

She shrugs. “No, I think I would’ve remembered someone as...visually striking as him. Why are we whispering, anyway? It’s not like he can hear us above all this noise.”

You think to yourself, I’m not so sure about that, but you merely shake your head.

You spend a few more minutes talking before movement catches the corner of your eye. At this point, it’s practically a reflex for you to look in that direction. You try not to, but your friend has already caught you and turns her head to spy, too. The man has gotten up for whatever reason to say something to one of the baristas at the counter. Your gaze darts back to your cup after you’ve gotten your eyeful, but you’re nearly startled into dropping the cup at your friend’s gasp.

Oh. The mirror.

She grips the edge of the table. “He’s a vampire…?”

You don’t know what to say to that, and you feel oddly guilty for some reason you can’t pinpoint. Like you’ve been caught with your hand in the cookie jar. “U-um, I don’t know…?” You can hardly finish your thought before your friend is scrambling to grab her purse. She hurriedly stands out of the seat, tugging your arm as she does.

“Come on. We shouldn’t stay here.”

“Are you serious—?” You feel embarrassed heat rip through your body at her display; some other café-goers are already looking at her curiously, probably wondering what the hell she’s doing. She tugs more incessantly, and you already know she’ll get louder if you don’t get up now and defuse the situation. Leaving your half-full cup behind, you grab your things and follow her out of the store, keeping your eyes firmly on her back as you pass by the man. You don’t know if he looked up, or if he could sense the reason for your sudden departure—you’ve never left the shop before him until now—and you don’t want to know.

Neither of you talk until you’re well down the street and around the corner. “That wasn’t necessary,” you huff, your hands still sweating from the spiked adrenaline at suddenly being rushed out.

“Yes it was! We all know bloodsuckers and all these other weirdos are dangerous...even if they think they’re being well-intentioned by living among humans. I hope you don’t go back there.”

“Whatever...you’re the one who told me to visit the café,” you mumble, unable to muster up the energy to say anything more. You both know very well she can’t tell you where to go, but you hope she doesn’t mention this to your other acquaintances on campus and make it into a bigger deal than it is.

When you part ways with your friend and get back to your dorm, you realize you’re missing your planner. The planner with all your upcoming assignment dates in it. You sigh heavily and roll your eyes, knowing it must’ve happened in the chaos of her pulling you out of the shop. Maybe if you’re really lucky, it’ll still be there, picked up by an employee or simply left untouched. Knowing how many people go through that café in a day, you’re not optimistic.

For the first time since visiting the quaint little shop, you’re not anticipating returning and seeing the man again, afraid he’ll ignore you or look at you with distaste—like you’re just another unsympathetic human. And would he be wrong to think that? You’re only strangers to each other.

You try not to dwell on it too hard when you go to bed that night.

When lunch rolls around the next day, you hesitate a couple times on your way to the café, not wanting to show up. However, the desire to see what became of your planner pushes you forward. You don’t even have to stay; if it’s there, you’ll take it and leave. If it’s not—oh well. You can still leave. It’s not hard to buy another.

He’s there when you arrive, of course.

He nods at you when you step inside, though he doesn’t smile as he’s become accustomed to doing. You nod back, but you can’t ignore the renewed rush of embarrassment you feel. You linger at the entrance for a second longer, wondering if maybe you should say something. Apologize, even? But what if he really didn’t know what was going on yesterday? Then how odd would you look for bringing it up?

You decide to move on and go back to the booth to search for your belongings, but his voice stops you. This takes you by surprise.

“Did you come back for this?”

You turn to him to see him holding your planner in his hand. You stare, momentarily dumbfounded, and almost shake your head before realizing it is yours. Definitely the same sticker-covered, scribbled-all-over planner.

“Oh—y-yeah. Thank you.” He passes it to you, though you notice he’s very careful not to let your hands touch. You’re a little perplexed about why, but then the rumors about vampires having cold skin pop up in your mind. Maybe that’s actually true, too. “I usually don’t lose things so easily, but…” Your voice falters, and you don’t know how to finish that sentence without bringing up the other day’s events.

He doesn’t seem to mind as he replies, “It happens to all of us sometimes...I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my camera.”

“You take pictures?” you ask, a tinge of curiosity in your voice.

He nods. “I take photos of anything that interests me. Which often ends up being everything I see. I work at an art museum, so I guess having an eye for photography comes in handy.” He hesitates for a second, then says, “I could show you some?” He waves his phone, indicating that the photos are there.

“Oh, sure.” The man gestures for you to sit down in the empty chair in front of him, and you do so. He swipes through his phone a few times until he settles on what he’s searching for, then puts the device on the table and slides it to you. You lean forward to look at it and see that it displays an album full of pictures, simply titled with the emoji “🌌.”

“It’s okay, you can pick it up.” He chuckles. You pick up the phone and swipe through the numerous pictures. Many of them are nighttime shots of the moon, trees, half-empty streets, darkened storefronts. Others depict nature scenes at sunset or the beginning of sunrise, with the sky colored in darker hues. No matter what the subject matter is, they all look to be professionally taken, even for an iPhone.

“Wow, these are nice. You said you work at a museum…are you a professional photographer, too?”

The man shrugs, and as you look at his slight grin, you realize you still don’t know his name. “Something like that, I guess.”

“You should be if you aren’t already,” you say, looking through more photos. “I’m sure you’d make a lot of money.” When you reach the end of the album, you go to hand the phone back to him but realize he’ll probably want to avoid contact again, so you slide it across the table. He takes it and slips it into his pocket.

“I don’t really care about the money,” he responds. “I just like it because…” He trails off, unsure how to convey his thoughts, wondering if he should even get that personal with a stranger. “It...helps me pass the time.” He’s not quite satisfied by that answer—it doesn’t feel like enough—but it’s all he can think of on the spot.

“Well, that’s nice too. It’s always good to have a hobby just for the sake of it...not for anyone’s benefit but your own.”

“Do you have one?” He takes a sip of his coffee. You don’t expect to be asked about your own interests, and your mind goes blank as you try to think. Why does this always happen when I’m asked these kinds of questions?

“Um, just different things here and there.”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” he says, amused.

“It’s not that, I just don’t have a ton of hobbies or anything. I’m kinda boring, so…” And wasn’t allowed to do much of anything until I left home.

“Being boring isn’t always a bad thing.”

You lean back in your seat, shrugging slightly. “Maybe if you see it that way. My friends don’t.”

“Would one of those happen to be the same one who dragged you out of here yesterday?” He speaks casually, putting his cheek in his hand. You slump further down in your seat, feeling exposed. Of course there was no escaping this topic. He notices your mood shift and shakes his head. “You don’t have to feel so bad about it. It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last.”

“I’m sorry for all that mess,” you murmur, unable to meet his eyes. “Really, I am.” You stand up from the seat, gripping your planner. “Thanks again for this. I don’t want to take up any more of your time today.” You’re about to turn to leave when he speaks again.

“You don’t have to be afraid of me, you know…you could talk with me whenever you feel like it.” That’s the last thing you expect him to say. His voice takes on a quality that’s...not what you’d call begging, but it’s clear he’d enjoy some company. Maybe he’s doing this for your benefit as well as his own, because it’s obvious how your eyes always stray to his little corner.

You nod, giving him an apprehensive smile. “I’ll keep that in mind, then.”

The rest of your day after that is uneventful, full of classes and unexciting lectures, but you keep thinking of one thing. Though he appears to enjoy his time in the coffee shop, how lonely must he really be? There’s never anyone else around him. His eyes when he’d spoken to you held a certain sadness.

And you still didn’t get his name.

You don’t see him for the next few days, mostly because you aren’t at the café. You’ve gotten busy with a new project and haven’t had as much time to return to the coffee shop, mostly spending your time in the library instead.

When you finally get a chance to buy lunch outside campus, he’s not there. This disappoints you more than you thought it would, and you wonder what his absence means. Did he just decide not to come today, or has he found another place to frequent? You kind of hope the second option isn’t the case, though you also don’t know why you’re even caring this much about where someone else goes on their own time.

You get a drink to-go this time, deciding you’ll just take it back to the library and continue your studies there. The entryway bell rings behind you as you wait for your order to be made, though you don’t pay it much attention; half of your mind is still occupied with what you need to do next for your project.

When you turn around to leave the shop with your drink, you’re surprised to see the man standing there, waiting to get his own coffee. “You’re late,” you blurt out. You immediately feel silly for saying it, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

He gives you a slight smile. “Yes, I am.” Then he spots your to-go cup. “Are you leaving?”

“Uh, well,” you glance at your drink, “are you staying?”

He nods as he steps up to the counter. “Yeah, I’m staying. My offer’s still open, by the way.”

Right. The offer to talk to him sometimes. You’re tempted to stay awhile and talk to him now, though you don’t even know what about. Your project? That’s boring. Him being a vampire? Too invasive. Your school? Also boring, and probably not the best idea considering which one you attend.

“I...think I’ll stay, then.”

You both sit at his usual table, with you grinning nervously.

“How are you? I noticed you hadn’t showed up in a while,” he asks, settling back in his chair.

“Yeah, I’m doing fine, I’m just busy with school stuff. These teachers don’t give us a break.” You laugh a little, shaking your head.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” He grins. “I never did go to college, but I’ve always heard others talk about how tiring it is. And expensive.”

“They’re right.” You roll your eyes at the thought of it. “But I guess it’ll all be worth it in the end. Maybe. If the economy isn’t in the toilet.” The sound of his laughter is nice, and you’re glad you could make him laugh. “Also, I’m sorry—I don’t know how this flew under the radar, but I don’t know your name.”

He shrugs. “Nothing to apologize for, really. It’s Johnny.”

You tell him your name, too. “Since I haven’t seen you lately...how are you doing?” You circle your hands around your to-go cup, feeling its warmth transfer to your palms as you await his answer.

“I think I can say I’m the same as always—which is fine. Life slows down a little when you have a lot of time on your hands.” Johnny’s lips quirk up at that, and you think he might be referring to his vampirism. Your eyes widen a little.

“What’s that like? Having so much free time. I wouldn’t know much about that right now, but…”

“Maybe not as pleasant as you think it’d be. But there’s good in it. Like coming and going when you want to. And you can take up whatever interests you want without worrying as much about busy schedules.” You already know he’s alluding to his photography. “I do like having a job, though…it gives me structure.”

“You’re probably right…I wouldn’t know the first thing to do if I had a ton of free time…like, which hobbies to pick up first.” You consider how you initially thought about him being lonely and wonder if that’s one of the unpleasant parts he hinted to. “Speaking of hobbies...did you take any new pictures lately?”

Johnny nods. “Most of them were on my camera this time, but some are on my phone. You want to see?”

“Yes!”

Johnny lets you have his phone again to look through the newest pictures he’s taken. There are varying shots of car-lined streets and storefronts, some of the latter decorated with glowing jack-o-lanterns for the onset of October. A pigeon sits on a streetlamp during the daytime, holding its head up like royalty upon a throne. In another image, a stray cat and her kittens huddle in an alley, the babies grooming each other while the mother looks quizzically at the camera.

You recognize a few photos from the nearby park; he also had some pictures of it the last time you looked. “Do you go to this park often?”

“Yeah, it offers some great shots. It’s especially pretty if you go just before the sun sets...the light filters through the tree leaves and it looks kinda like a kaleidoscope.”

“Ah, I’ve never seen that before…” you say a little sadly. Your parents didn’t much like taking you to that park when you were younger because of how far it is from their house. And since living away from them, you’ve only been able to visit it during the early hours of the day—like now.

Johnny looks closely at you. “Would you ever want to?”

“If it’s as pretty as you say, I should.” You slide the phone back across the table to him, not catching what he’s trying to hint at as you keep talking. “Do you go anywhere else besides here and the park?” As soon as you say it, you realize this might sound a little rude and try to make a quick save. “I mean, do you have any other favorite places? I’m not trying to say you don’t have a life or anything!”

Johnny laughs at your slight panic at thinking you’ve offended him. “Nothing too out-there, I guess. The bookstore, the photography store, the theater. Pretty much all the same places others visit.”

“The movies are fun.” You trace your finger across the table’s surface, thinking of your own favorite spots. “Me and my friends like to go downtown. There are a lot of cute little shops down there…”

You and Johnny talk for a while longer, and you almost forget you have to get back to campus until you glance at the wall clock. “Oh no, I’m gonna be late.” Flustered, you jump out of your seat and crumple your empty cup. “Sorry to cut it short, Johnny, but I gotta go back now.”

He smiles good-naturedly and nods, his dark bangs sweeping his face. “I understand.” As he watches you gather your things and get ready to go, he speaks up again. “Actually, if you want to see the park at sunset sometime...I could show you? It’s up to you.”

You pause, suddenly curious at the thought of seeing him outside the café. In the back of your mind, you feel a little paranoid and afraid of your friend or maybe even your parents seeing you there with him, though the latter is extremely unlikely. It’s hard to shake that familiar fear of judgment and ostracism when it’s been ingrained in you since childhood. “That sounds good. If it’s not any trouble for you…?”

“Never too much trouble. I usually get off around 4 on Fridays, just before the sun sets at 5. Unless the weekend is better for you?”

You nod, holding your books tighter to your chest. “Friday will work for me! I’ll meet up with you then.”

Johnny smiles. “Great; I’ll see you then, kind stranger.”

Maybe he says it to be joking or quirky, to sound like one of those characters in a movie or drama, but it makes you smile. Nodding to him again, you step out of the café and rush towards the direction of your school. Johnny watches as you retreat, your roles reversed.

You meet up with Johnny at the park that Friday, just as you both agreed. You spot him sitting on a bench near the park entrance, waiting on your arrival.

Johnny’s wardrobe is still mostly dark, but it’s a little lighter than usual today. He’s changed things up with a white polo shirt underneath his black sweater. Seeing him dressed like this, you wonder what he’d be like as a student, or maybe even a university professor.

He stands up when you get closer, hearing the sound of your footsteps approaching and turning towards you. His camera sits safely around his neck, the lens catching in the light of the sun.

When you stop in front of him, he smiles at you warmly. You try to relax into the genuineness of that smile and ignore the still-lingering traces of anxiety about being out with him. “Hi, Johnny!”

“Hi, Y/N.”

You and Johnny walk around the park as he looks for something interesting to shoot. He snaps a few shots of the trees, fallen leaves, bushes, and other natural elements along the way, though it seems like he hasn’t quite captured what he wants yet.

“Are you looking for something specific?” you ask, peering at his camera as he holds it in his hands.

“There’s an aster bush around here,” he responds. “It hadn’t fully bloomed yet the last time I was here, but it should be open by now.”

It turns out he’s right as you two finally come up on the bush. Its blooms make bright purple smudges against the rest of the landscape, which is a monochrome red-and-orange palette from the leaves changing their hues. You watch as he comes up to the bush carefully and quietly, like it’s a small animal he’s afraid to scare away. Johnny is very attentive while taking pictures of it, always conscious of getting the correct lighting and securing the exact angles he wants to capture. “Compassionate” is not a word you’d usually associate with the act of taking photos, but that’s the only word you can currently think of to describe this display. He treats the flowers with a peculiar sense of respect, as if they’re a human subject.

After he’s gotten the images he wants, Johnny offers you his camera to take a few of your own. You’re anxious about holding his prized possession and are afraid you’ll find a way to mess something up, but he promises you it’s fine. You take a few shots of the sky, still with a few wisps of clouds left, and a nearby tree that’s almost stripped bare of leaves. You know the shots will probably end up blurry from your unsteady hands, but Johnny tells you you’ve done a good job anyway.

Something about getting his approval makes a pleasant warmth settle in your chest.

As you both walk down a long trail, you finally ask him, “Sorry if this is invasive, but I was wondering how old are you? Like...as a vampire.” Your voice becomes hesitant on the word vampire, even though you’re the only two in this part of the park.

He chuckles a bit. “I’m 85.” You try not to look surprised. “I’ve been turned for 60 years. Old, but probably a little younger than most vampires you’d think of.”

“Kinda,” you say quietly. “They’re always like 2,000 years old in movies.”

“The ancient vampires are purebloods. They keep to themselves and avoid mingling with turned vampires, let alone humans. Some people are even skeptical if they exist. Supposedly, they use humans as servants or blood banks.” He gives you an apologetic look after saying this, though you don’t really know why. You don’t get the feeling he’d do that to another being, but he is still mostly a stranger... “At least, that’s what my mentor told me.”

Your curiosity is roused at all this new knowledge. “You had a mentor?”

“An older woman. She was also a turned vampire.”

“Turned, huh…”

Johnny nods, toeing at a small pile of leaves on the ground. “She went away eventually, said people are meant to pass in and out of each other’s lives. I don’t think she ever had intentions to stay. But I enjoyed her company while she was there.” Johnny stops at a short bridge above a small manmade lake, and you both look down into the water.

You place your arms on the bridge railing so you can lean over more. You notice he doesn’t have a reflection in the water, and this startles you more than you expected. Before meeting this strange man, you’d never thought much before about why vampires don’t have mirror reflections, but it seems even more unnatural to see this phenomenon happen again in the lake.

You find yourself looking at the side of Johnny’s face, trying to read his expression as he peers into the water’s depths. He turns to you, and you flinch at being caught staring, but he only smiles slightly. You force yourself to form words and break the silence. “What—what did you do after she left?”

“Lived on my own. She taught me a lot of things to help me live independently as a vampire, so it wasn’t too difficult to get along without her...but emotionally? A different story.”

“You sound like you had a very close relationship with her.”

“Yes. Quite close…” Johnny’s tone suggests something deeper, more intimate than a regular friendship. You feel a bit astounded at the idea of him having an older, more worldly lover while being only a newly changed vampire. Your reaction makes you feel foolish, inexperienced. Still, you can’t help imagining a scenario of them living in a big, dark mansion somewhere in the mountains, rolling around in a bed with bloody red sheets—and maybe drinking from the occasional naïve, misled human hiker.

Strangely, too, you feel jealous at his freedom, his ability to go wherever and do whatever with whoever he wants without overbearing relatives always just a step away.

You continue staring at the ripples as they circle in and out of the water’s surface, the motions triggered by a small orange leaf falling into the lake. You’re unsure of what could be the right thing to say to his admission, so you blurt out whatever comes to mind next. “You said she taught you to live independently as a vampire. What does that mean? How do you get...you know. Blood?”

“There are ways,” Johnny says cryptically, which makes your own blood rush faster. He turns to you with a grin, like he finds your naivety endearing. “It’s nothing drastic, though. At least, not for me. I never drink directly.” It does make sense that there are other ways to drink human blood without taking it straight from their necks, though you can only speculate on which methods he prefers. “Drinking directly is lethal, and often not worth it.”

“So, it’s true that vampire bites can kill?” You watch as Johnny pushes himself off the railing, and you follow him as he continues down the trail.

“It’s not false. But it’s never really that simple.” Johnny’s answer is mysterious, and he doesn’t elaborate further. He turns to you. “Where did you hear that, anyway? Your university? The one that bans all nonhuman beings?”

“You know where I go to school?” You feel embarrassed, thinking he must assume you’re like the rest of the student body who hates nonhumans but still nurtures an odd obsession with them.

“I saw it on your notebook one day, the school insignia. I’m not a stalker, by the way.” You laugh only slightly, and Johnny seems crestfallen when he notices your apprehension. “I don’t care if you attend school there. Just because you do doesn’t mean you think the way they do.”

“You must think I’m some weird opportunist, then,” you mutter, heat finding its way to your face. “Asking you all these questions...I’m sorry.”

“I don’t think anything except that you’re a pleasant person to be around.”

You’re quiet for a moment, letting the compliment sink in. You think you should probably give him one of his own, but before you can, he says, “Look. The sun’s already setting.” Just like he told you before, the dying rays filter through the tree leaves and create impossibly intricate patterns on your surroundings. You hold your hand out and watch the latticework that the leaves create dance over your open palm.

You let Johnny take a picture of your hand with the tree shadows flitting over it, but you shy away from the camera’s lens when he points it higher to your face, a questioning look in his eyes. “Maybe some other day.”

You walk around for a while longer until the sky bleeds into a dark purple. “I guess I should be going soon. It’s getting late,” you say, though you’re also a bit sad over your evening with Johnny meeting its end.

“Do you want me to take you back to campus? You shouldn’t walk back alone. My car is just in the parking lot there.” He points to it where it sits in the distance.

You look at Johnny with a confused gaze. “But you can’t come on campus. They have...things to ward off vampires.” Like gates made of pure silver, displaying intimidating, elaborately designed crosses. You don’t know if any of it actually works, but it’s probably better not to find out.

Johnny doesn’t seem bothered by this information. “Yeah…I know. I can just drop you at the street across from the main gate.”

You hesitate a moment longer but eventually agree. He is right; you’d rather not walk alone at night, and getting a ride with him is better—and cheaper—than calling for a rideshare.

The ride to the college is fairly quiet, with the radio filling the silence. It’s not an awkward type of stillness, at least, which you’re grateful for.

As he said he would, Johnny parks on the side of the street that sits in front of the main gate, just outside the immediate vicinity of the campus. The metal crosses stare back at the both of you, glinting in the light of nearby streetlamps. You turn your face away from them, biting the inside of your cheek.

You unbuckle your seatbelt. “Thanks again for the ride. I guess I’ll see you back at the shop next week, yeah?” Again, you get the urge to say something, anything, to remedy or cover up the foreboding source of discomfort sitting just in front of you, but there’s no one sentence you could say to wipe away decades of hatred.

Johnny nods and smiles, and still he shows no signs of being disturbed. He doesn’t cast another glance at the gates. “It’s no problem. See you then.”

You get out of his car and cross the street to get inside the gate; it’s early enough in the evening for it to still be open. Any later, and it’d be locked shut to even humans. You risk another wave at him before turning back around and heading for your dorm, which sits a few yards from the entrance. Johnny lets the car idle on the side of the street until you’ve walked into the dorm, and only then does he drive away.

It doesn’t take very long for you to warm up to Johnny inviting you to other places. The next time you and him go somewhere other than the coffee shop, you accompany him as he buys some film for his camera on one of his free days. You don’t know a ton about photography, so you’re more than happy to let him tell you all about how film works and why he buys certain kinds over others.

The place he frequents is a specialty photography shop that still carries older varieties of film—ones that fell out of favor once digital cameras became a thing. The store looks noticeably old, but not in an unkempt or decrepit way. You can tell it’s been around for a while, holding all kinds of history in its structure.

“There are so many different types.” You look over a shelf of film rolls in awe. “How can you tell them all apart?”

Johnny laughs. “It gets easier if you’ve been doing it for a while…or a few decades.” He picks one up from a row of them and holds it in front of you. “35mm is the most common type, which is what you’ll find the most of when you look through any film shop. That’s what I use.”

He sets that one down and walks past another display of film rolls, gesturing toward them. “There’s also 120 and 220 film formats here…those work for even older cameras, sorta like ones you’d see in 1930s movies. You can even turn a film camera into a digital camera.”

You nod to his words, looking over what seems like millions of film canisters—and occasionally glancing at the lines of his broad back as he walks ahead of you. “You should teach a photography class. I’d be more willing to listen to you than some old professor.”

Johnny snickers. “Huh, I don’t know. Not a professor, but I am old.”

You both continue walking through the store, with Johnny giving you the rundown on every item that catches your interest.

Like the coffee shop, there’s another mirror in this store. Many more, actually—there are whole rows of them on a series of shelves, all in varying sizes and shapes. They create a fragmented view of your form as you stand in front of them, though you don’t initially realize you’ve crossed into their glassy line of sight. You’re busier with looking at a roll of film Johnny’s handed you. When you notice your reflection shifting in your peripheral view, you look up.

Johnny’s only a few feet behind you, and you know this because you can hear him and feel his presence. Yet, it’s strange to see yourself as the only person in the aisle.

Eventually, he notices what’s got you preoccupied and comes to stand next to you. Though you see him clearly in front of your eyes, there’s no trace of him in the glass reflections.

Suddenly, you’re hit with the aching loneliness of it—how it must feel to never see yourself. You can see him with your own eyes, and so can everyone else who encounters him, but what must it be like to be virtually invisible outside of other peoples’ perceptions of you? You almost feel utterly alone even though you know he’s beside you.

Noticing your sudden melancholy, Johnny takes the film roll from your hand and tosses it up in the air, making it look like it’s moving on its own in the mirrors. He means to lighten the mood, if only to see the cloudiness disappear from your expression. It works to a degree, though you still feel downcast deep below.

“It’s not good to dwell on it.” Johnny presses the film roll back into your hand, still carefully avoiding skin contact. He has no problem meeting your eyes, though, and you shyly look away from his dark gaze after a few prolonged moments.

“You’re right,” you say softly, turning back to the aisle and away from the rows of mirrors.

—

You and Johnny head to the coffee shop after your trip to the photography store. Once you get your drinks and sit down in your usual spot, he speaks suddenly. “Something’s wrong.”

Your eyes dart around the shop, thinking he’s referring to one of the patrons around you. “What? What’s wrong?” Your voice comes out a bit panicked. He doesn’t want to laugh, but he does.

“No, I mean...something’s wrong with you. You seem far away.”

“Oh…” You wonder if you should even bring it up and potentially ruin the mood. But you have been curious for weeks now, and you don’t think you’ll get a trustworthy answer by asking anyone other than him. “I just...I was wondering why you don’t have a reflection. I know it’s a vampire thing, but I’ve never really known why...you don’t need to answer, though. Like you said, it’s not good to dwell on it.”

Johnny makes a motion like a half-nod once your question is revealed, his eyes darting to the window and back to the table. His fingers trace across the rim of his coffee cup, a thoughtful but stormy expression on his face, and you’re afraid you shouldn’t have reawakened this topic. “You know...being undead means being in two places at once.”

“Two places?”

“We are caught between the living world and the world of the dead. Something that’s not really supposed to exist, yet…” He’s quiet for a moment. “You can only imagine the kind of issues and side effects that can cause. One of them being no reflection.”

“I never thought of it like that,” you say. “Two planes of existence...what does it mean to be a part of the world of the dead?”

“Our blood runs slower. Ours is more like sludge compared to yours. The heart beats only a few times per minute. Don’t need to eat or sleep, either, though many vampires still do.” Johnny pauses. “How much do you really know about vampires?”

“I don’t know much about any of this...stuff.” You gesture vaguely, meaning all supernatural beings and not just vampires. “No one ever told me these things growing up, and it’s hard to tell truth from fiction at school. People will say anything, horrible things, and you just take it at face value, I guess. I never really thought to try to find the reality.” You sigh. “Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person in the world who doesn’t know anything.”

“Learning is good. You can always learn. I don’t think it’s too late for that.” Johnny’s voice is a little lighter. “Anyway, everyone’s knowledge is different. Sometimes it slips my mind that everyone doesn’t know what it’s like to live as a vampire, though the world never lets me forget for long.”

“Then…do you hang out with other vampires who do understand? Or…maybe humans who can sympathize?”

Johnny gives a humorless laugh. “Most humans are hesitant to interact with us, if not full-out terrified or disgusted. At the museum...it’s less pronounced because all the employees already know. They…tolerate it. But every time someone else realizes what I am and doesn’t take well to it?” He shakes his head, acts like he’ll say something else, and then abandons that line of thought. “And do you really think I’d want to spend my free time around other bloodsuckers?” He tries to play it off as a joke, but you’re more inclined to think he actually feels that way. You can only nod, feeling bad for him but also a little disturbed by his view of his own kind.

“I think you’re a kind person, and you being a vampire doesn’t affect that,” you say hesitantly. “I like talking to you. And even if you feel that way about other vampires, I…wish you wouldn’t feel that about yourself.”

Johnny remains quiet, but he nods. You wonder about the struggle occurring in his mind. The only outward hint of his uneasy state shows in the furrow of his eyebrows and the tense set of his mouth. With his right hand resting on the table, he rubs his fingers together absentmindedly, like he’s analyzing your words. You have a sudden and startling desire to hold his hand, to twine your fingers together and feel his skin on yours for the first time, but you don’t dare cross that boundary.

He finally replies with, “You’re much kinder to me, an old and bitter vampire, than you probably should be. But maybe that’s a good thing about you.”

“I think it’s a good thing,” you agree, your voice low. “Every living being needs companionship. Good companionship, anyway.”

The corners of Johnny’s lips shift in something reminiscent of a smile. He turns a rueful gaze once again to the window, lifting his coffee cup to his lips. “Aren’t I lucky to have yours, then.”

On a day when you don’t have as many responsibilities to juggle, you visit Johnny at the art museum after his working hours are up. He’d already invited you to come to the museum any day you felt like so he could show you around.

When you get there, he’s waiting in the visitor’s lobby for you, framed by receding sunlight as the day starts fading into night. He looks the same as he always does when you see him in the café on his lunch breaks, but within the context of the museum, he suddenly seems more…alive? Vibrant? He could’ve served as a muse for one of the many statuesque, perfectly proportional sculptures in the museum, and you’d never know anything different.

Your heartbeat increases at the sight of him, just enough to be outside the normal range.

“Hi, Johnny. I hope your day went well?”

“It was fine, nothing too crazy. But it’s better now.” And he smiles at you, sincere enough to make your heart ache.

“Oh—that’s great.” That’s it? You scold yourself internally, but you aren’t quick enough to think up a witty reply to his comment before the topic shifts.

“Is there anything in particular you wanna see first?” Johnny asks, leading you further into the museum.

“I guess I hadn’t thought too deeply about that…do you have a favorite exhibit? I want to see what you like.”

Johnny smiles faintly. “Let’s see, then.”

The dark-haired man takes you to a section of the museum filled with oil paintings, all by one singular artist. At first, all you see is varying shades of black and gray and red, with some white splashed in between. When you begin looking at the paintings more closely, it’s easier to see that each one depicts a different scene of chaos. Maybe a sort of organized chaos, but disarray all the same.

There is one picture that holds a clearer subject than the rest. One of the oil paintings is of a vampire—obvious by the fangs—with bloodied lips and anguished eyes. You pause when you catch sight of it, your steps stilled by the sheer frenzy in the other being’s painted eyes. Their hands reach out for the viewer as if begging for an escape that can only be provided by whoever’s observing.

“This one was painted by a fellow vampire, you know. The same one who did all the rest of the paintings in this gallery,” Johnny explains. He points at the placard next to the painting that displays the artist’s name and a short description of the piece. The word fellow comes off his tongue wrapped in cynicism. “And it was one of the ones I personally chose for this exhibit.”

You glance at him, a tinge of surprise blooming in your chest. “Really?”

He nods. “Who better to depict the ills of vampirism than a vampire themselves? I thought it was a…fascinating change of pace from all the humans who try and fail to do so, ironic as that is.”

If you look at the painting for long enough, you think you can recognize sadness in the corners of the vampire’s eyes—pure, unadulterated sadness. Different from anguish or panic. A similar mask of sadness you’ve seen on the man next to you.

You say nothing for a while. You simply feel the painful throb of your heart in your chest and listen to the small sounds around you. Even now, there are still other people exploring the museum and walking through this very exhibit, but you can’t hear or see any of them. Johnny notices the disconcerted look on your face, and his forehead creases. “But I’m sure you want to see something less…morbid than this, right? Come on.”

“Uh, I-I don’t mind,” you insist, even though you feel like you’ve just awoken from a painful trance by the sound of his voice. But he’s already gesturing for you to follow him elsewhere.

The next set of paintings you end up in front of are a series of sunflower studies. One frame depicts the long green stems; another provides an up-close view of their lined petals. One zooms in close on the flower’s brown center, only small glimpses of yellow left at the edges of the frame.

“This is definitely very different.” You look at him, a small smile pulling at your lips. “But it fits you. I see why you like it.” You remember him back in the park, taking careful pictures of the aster bush and of your hands…and then offering to take one of you. You don’t know why that last one makes your stomach jump.

“I thought you might like it.” Johnny’s eyes linger on your face as he observes your reaction to the paintings. He’s seen these flowers probably a hundred times by now in this permanent exhibit, but the wonder in your expression is new to him.

—

You both walk through a few more exhibitions after that, all with different subjects and mediums—some consist of sculptures, others are clay vases and figures. There’s still a lot to see in the museum, but you’re starting to get hungry, and you know Johnny has already heard your stomach growling.

After the 2nd time it happens and you think you might melt from embarrassment, he grins at you and makes a suggestion. “Let’s go to my office. I’ll get my things and we can eat. The restaurant here is pretty good—or at least that’s what everyone else says…”

When you get to his office, you feel almost like you’ve stepped into a room from years past. Your gaze drifts across his desk immediately; it’s not sleek and modern like you’d expect, considering the rest of the museum’s aesthetic, but wooden and heavy and vintage-looking. It’s olden quality resembles everything else in his personal space. Even his desk chair, a big and plush thing, feels vintage with its soft leather and rustic design.

This feeling is far from a bad thing, though. You enjoy the aged look of the bookcases, the picture frames, the chairs, the small decorations here and there—everything about this room.

Johnny notices how you look around, studying everything in sight, and smiles. “It’s not the most modern, but I like it.”

“It’s perfect. Like a world of its own.”

“A woman of taste, I see.” Johnny puts a hand over his heart, giving an expression like he’s truly touched, and you can only grin sheepishly. When he has his belongings, he leads you out and locks the door behind him.

“Let’s see what they have on the menu today, then.”

—

You get dinner at the museum’s restaurant, just as Johnny recommended, and he even decides to eat too. Maybe he does it so you won’t look odd being the only one eating, or because he really just wants to; he doesn’t let on. Either way, sitting across from him like this in a fancy restaurant with both of you having a nice meal feels almost like a date. You let that thought amble around for a few minutes longer before tucking it back into one of your mind’s many small niches.

“I’ll probably be digesting this for the next few weeks,” he says jokingly, pulling a mock-disappointed face at his plate.

“That sounds like the worst constipation in history.” He snorts at your comment, his eyes creasing as he laughs. You notice he has a dimple when he smiles, and your grin mirrors his. You don’t think you’ve seen him laugh quite so genuinely before, but now that you’ve experienced it, you want to hear it again and again.

Anything is preferable to the perpetual gloom, always slinking around the corner.

—

When Johnny gets back home after dropping you off at the university, he undresses himself and showers and pulls on his bedclothes, which are nothing more than his underwear and a pair of sweatpants. His upper canines ache in his gums the entire time he goes through these motions, like two pulses of red-hot heat positioned on either side of his mouth.

He takes a blood bag from the fridge and drinks it in bed, leaning his arms against his knees. A sudden remembrance manifests itself in his mind; he hears the hazy echo of his mother’s decades-past voice in his head, reprimanding him for eating in bed. A sharp pain grips his chest, and he tries to send it back to the depths where it belongs.

When the blood hits his stomach, the pain is eclipsed by the bloodlust, which is no better. His fangs drop immediately, spiking into his lower lip. Johnny closes his eyes and, very gingerly, allows himself to draw a picture of you in his mind, of your blood in his mouth and your heartbeat roaring in his ears. The way your blood would flow out so delicately, crashing into his tastebuds like the high tide. He is usually better than this at curtailing his bloodlust, not even letting it reach the point of his canines hurting—he can’t remember the last time that’s happened—but being around you sets him on edge. Awakens him in some strange, raw way.

That only makes him more wary. And more guilty about imagining himself drinking your blood. He shouldn’t even be around you if he’s losing his grip on his hard-won control. But although it makes him feel ashamed, it also causes his heart to rush.

He drains the blood bag to the last possible drop. To his relief, it calms him significantly, though the thoughts of you don’t leave. More innocent ones now, of your outing earlier in the evening. Deep beneath, they are tinged with his ever-present guilt at his vampiric nature.

Johnny doesn’t need the sleep, but he drifts off anyway, if only to quiet the conflict sending daggers into his mind.

You’ve known Johnny for a few weeks now, not counting the time you spent silently staring at him in the café, but you find yourself intertwining yourself further into his life. You end up visiting his apartment sooner than you anticipated. You didn’t think of anything as ridiculous as him living in a coffin or sleeping in the rafters like a bat, but you also had a hard time imagining what his place might look like.

You come over on a weekend when you have more time to simply hang out and not worry so much about anything else.

Like usual, he waits in that spot on the side of the street for you to come out. In the daytime, you’re more apprehensive about him being here and someone potentially seeing him and trying to cause trouble for him, but there’s a part of you that likes the rebellious aspect of it. And if he truly doesn’t mind coming near the campus to pick you up, you don’t have much issue with him doing it.

Johnny’s apartment is clean—and a little sparser than you’d expected. Maybe he’s a fan of minimalism. One side of the wall is taken up by a wide bookcase, which features a bunch of different knickknacks, books, and a collection of larger hardcovers that look like photo albums. On the other walls are a few framed pictures of different scenes, and you assume they’re ones he must’ve taken.

“This is a nice place,” you say as he takes your jacket for you and puts it up. “It must cost quite a bit, too…” You sit down on the couch, stroking the soft material of it.

Johnny shrugs. “Thanks. It’s nothing I can’t handle...being nearly a century old gives you plenty of time to save money.” He appears charmingly self-satisfied when he’s able to make you laugh. “Do you want anything?”

“Water is fine…thank you.” Johnny nods and goes off to the kitchen.

Despite trying to keep your eyes on the wall photos, your gaze follows him as he leaves. You discreetly watch him move around his kitchen. With his dark clothes, he’s like a splash of black paint against the pale tile and stainless steel.

There are blood packs in Johnny’s fridge. Lots of them. You know because you saw them from your vantage point on the couch when he opened the fridge door. They look like the blood bags you’d see in a hospital, which makes you wonder how he even gets access to those. Another mystery you struggle to wrap your head around.

He comes back to the living room with your water, and you take it gratefully, though you also feel a little awkward. You think maybe the blood bags are something you shouldn’t have seen, although you know he probably would’ve made more effort to hide them or put them away if that were the case.

“You have a good supply of blood, a nice apartment, and a great job. Does every vampire get these kinds of perks?” Admittedly, it sounded better in your head. Your attempt to stave off the awkward feeling—which was really only coming from your end—only makes it more intense. Johnny laughs dryly in response. You can’t tell if he actually finds it amusing or is just trying to humor you, which makes you feel incredibly silly.

“All of it’s government-issued if you promise never to bite any humans.” Johnny gives a wry smile. “But it’s a mistake to think vampires live glamorous lives, filling up on blood and having no cares in the world.”

“N-no, I get it,” you stutter. “Bad joke.”

“I’m not trying to embarrass you or be mean. It’s just the way things are.” Your roles are suddenly reversed, and now he seems to feel some sort of sympathy for you, like you’re just an ignorant little human who doesn’t know any better. The last part of that is more your insecurities speaking out than anything else, but you try to ignore that and take him for his word.

Johnny gets up from the couch to go over to the bookcase as you sip your water. After looking through the photo albums intently, he takes one off the shelf and hands it to you. You set your water down and hold the album carefully as you open the front cover. The cover itself has a neat little label that reads Telluride 1976 - 1980, so you can already expect what you’ll find in it. There are numerous photos of trees, bushes, snowy mountain ranges, lakes, brilliantly vibrant flowers, and woodland creatures. You stop at a picture of a deer looking straight ahead, its black eyes wide and curious as it examines the lens.

“I lived in the mountains back then, a little after my mentor had left. I spent some time trying to reconnect with nature...and all that other hippie shit people used to do back in that era.”

You chuckle. “Did you wear the same kinds of clothes, too? Bell bottoms and tie-dye T-shirts and all?”

Johnny laughs and shrugs. “Maybe…but that’s only for me to know.”

You grin and look at the photos again. “Well…did your plan work, at least?”

Johnny gives a wistful smile. “In some ways, I think it did.”

You continue looking through the rest of the album, which you could probably do for hours if you had the time—just sit and trace every possible line, curve, and ray of light. Johnny sits beside you as you do, occasionally explaining some pictures and their backstories.

“Lately, I’ve been wanting something else to take pictures of...someone else, maybe.”

“What, like a subject?” you ask.

“Yeah, it’d be nice...I haven’t taken pictures of another person in a while.”

You nod quietly as you flip through the pages—another possible hint flying right over your head. Then a thought comes to you—one that makes your skin warm. “Have you ever taken pictures of anyone you were...involved with?” You don’t say it directly, but you hope he can get the gist of what you’re asking.

Johnny nods as if he doesn’t want to admit to it, a nervous smile gracing his lips. “A few different people…but I always gave them the pictures after we, you know, stopped seeing each other...so there’s none left here.”

“I see…” For a few moments, your thoughts circle around that concept. What was it like to bare yourself in front of someone else like that, immortalized on film? What might it be like to allow Johnny to see you like that, to take pictures of you in your most vulnerable form? The idea doesn’t make you as downright anxious as you expected it to, though you can’t completely shake the lingering embarrassment about it.

After you finish looking through the entirety of his Telluride adventures, Johnny shows you some recent pictures he’s developed, and you’re giddy to see your own blurry creations among them. Now that you’re holding them physically in your hands, you can agree that they look nice, each with its own little personality.

“I thought about putting them in a new photo album,” he says, “but you can keep them, if you prefer.”

You hold them to your chest. “Yes, I’d like to keep them. Thank you.” You smile. “I’m sure I’ll leave you with plenty other photos to put in your album, anyway.”

—

The sun is close to setting again. You aren’t ready to leave yet, though, and Johnny is content to let you stay longer. He pulls out another album for you to look at, this one dated with 1960 - 1964. Unlike the others, there’s no title to describe what’s in it except for that year range.

“This is a picture of me someone took before I was turned,” Johnny murmurs, sitting back down beside you. He turns the album to you, and in the middle of the first page is a sepia-toned photo of him sitting on a bed—or maybe a couch?—wearing a suit. White, handwritten lettering on the bottom right of the photograph reads August 4, 1960.

“Oh wow...” You touch the photo gently over its protective lining. “You look exactly the same. Of course.”

“It’s the only photo I have left of myself,” he sighs, leaning back on the sofa. “If it weren’t for that...I’d feel almost like I didn’t exist at all.”

“Do you remember this day?” you ask.

“…Vaguely.” His answer doesn’t feel like the whole truth, and the way his eyes dart anxiously as he says it confirms your suspicions. Then he sighs again, heavier this time, and he seems to be exhaling all 60 years of his burden along with it. “I was...going to be married. It was for our wedding shoot.”

You’re surprised for a reason you’re unsure of, never even imagining that Johnny could’ve been married at one point in time. Could’ve had an entire life and a family, if it hadn’t been for...

“I’m sorry, Johnny.” You know you never would’ve met him if things hadn’t happened this way, and that knowledge tugs at your heart in a way that makes you feel intensely selfish.

Johnny shakes his head and avoids your eyes. “It was long ago.” He wets his lips and his jaw clenches like maybe he wants to say something else, but he remains silent for a while.

You continue exploring the photo album in silence. With its thin size, there aren’t as many pictures in it as the others—much less, in fact, but each one is still enough to keep your interest. Your mind keeps drifting back to the one of Johnny.

You hand the album back to him when you’re done. He takes it from you, but in a gesture you don’t foresee, he allows your hands to touch for the first time. You make a tiny flinch at the unexpected coolness—not ice-cold, but enough to be noticeable—but you don’t draw away from him. You let his fingers slide across yours as the photo album leaves your hands, and it sends electricity racing up and down your spine.

“S-sorry.” You’re not sure if you’re apologizing for flinching or for making contact at all, though there is no reason to because he initiated it.

“Doesn’t it ever disturb you at all that I’m not human?” Johnny asks softly, still holding the album.

“What?”

“You’ve taken all this so easily...much more easily than many others. You aren’t even disgusted at my cold hands.” A ghost of a grin comes over his face.

“If I were disgusted, I wouldn’t even be here,” you say, trying to lighten the tension. It’s not the kind of tension that arises from anger, offense, or upset, but something else that you are lost on comprehending in this moment. “Some of it’s unfamiliar, obviously, but I’m not disgusted.”

He glances down at the album in his hands, as if contemplating something. Maybe thinking about the only living photo of himself beneath the cover. Or maybe he’s thinking back to how he was turned in the first place and subsequently lost the life he was about to have. He still hasn’t told you anything about how he became a vampire, and though you’d like to know, it’s obviously a sore spot for him.

Eventually, he nods, willing himself to smile at you. “I’m glad.”

—

Night has fallen by the time you’re done exploring the decades of his life, though there is still much you haven’t seen and don’t yet know. You let him drive you back to the school as you stare out at the passing cars, wondering how many more of these people sitting in their vehicles are nonhuman and you’d never know it.

You hesitate after he pulls up across from the main gate.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“Uh, nothing really, it’s just—I still don’t have your number or anything.” And I want to talk to you more often. I want to hear your voice more often. You don’t want to say anything overly dramatic or cheesy, so you just keep those last thoughts to yourself.

Thinking it had been something serious, he smirks at your concern. “Oh, I see. I’ll give it to you now, then.”

Once your numbers are safely in each other’s phones, you finally bid each other goodnight.

Though you try to steer your thoughts towards other things, you keep veering back to Johnny. His apartment. His fridge full of blood bags. His photo albums full of years of history. Even when you get into bed that night, you can’t keep him off your mind.

You wake up gasping and sweating when you dream of him with his fangs in your neck, your own blood running down your neck and chest. You glance over at your roommate to make sure you haven’t woken her and rest your head on your knees, trying to catch your breath and settle your racing heart. Your skin still prickles with how you could practically feel his heated breaths on your neck, ice-cold hands gripping your shoulders.

The worst part of it is that you can’t quite say you completely disliked it.

“It doesn’t make much sense to have a Halloween party and dress up as the very beings that you hate, but whatever…” you mumble, looking through a rack of costumes with a certain impassivity. You’re not very enthusiastic about going to this Halloween party, but your friend refuses to go alone. You haven’t been spending as much time with her anymore—partly because of Johnny and partly because you feel even more out of place around her than normal—and with all her begging and pleading, she refuses to let you opt out of this one.

“It’s about having fun, no one really cares Y/N. They’re freaks, aren’t they? That’s why people dress up as them, they’re practically meant for this.”

You become even more apprehensive about the party after hearing that, if that’s even possible. You smooth your hand over the fabric of a witch’s robe and sigh again, shaking your head. It doesn’t feel quite right to keep spending time in her presence—or anyone else who goes to your school—but you feel trapped on all sides, left without much of a choice. You would never hear the end of it if you tried to switch universities…or even drop out.

Your mind strays back to Johnny as always, with his melancholy aura and weird jokes and pretty pictures and monochrome clothes. The smell of his cologne, the lingering scent of roasted coffee beans, and his toothy smile, when he does show it to you. Something in you makes you want to drop everything you’re doing right now and go to him. It might even be nice to settle in his arms, feel them strong and solid around you—though he’d probably need just as much comforting as you.

“Dress up as this!” Your friend breaks the reverie as she prances over to you with a pair of fake fangs, the tips of them painted in acrylic blood. She holds them up to your mouth, and you struggle to manage a smile, if only to sate her enthusiasm. “It actually reminds me of…that vampire at the café. Say, have you seen him since then?”

You shake your head, moving away to sift through another rack of outfits as you try to maintain a detached expression. “Nope, not a glimpse. Haven’t even thought about him.”

When your friend doesn’t suspect anything, you let your expression drop just a tad, breathing out quietly.

The night of the party, the full moon is heavy and bold against the black blanket of the sky, which feels horribly cliché. You wonder if there are any werewolves out tonight, and what they might be doing right now.

“We’re going to have a good time tonight,” your friend insists as you both walk up the front steps of the host’s house. It’s someone you only vaguely know, a friend of a friend of a friend, but clearly a person who has an abundance of money judging by this expansive home. You don’t know why she feels the need to convince you, but maybe it’s because you haven’t seemed very enthusiastic so far. You only give a thumbs up to her words, which feels like an unconvincing gesture. Luckily for you, it works.

After a few hours, the party is still going strong but your head is starting to hurt from the music, and you’re growing weary of all the men crowding in too close, looking at you in your angel costume like you’re something to be devoured. You’ve rolled your eyes at way too many of them and their haphazardly put-together costumes, dressed up as vampires with terrible fake fangs or werewolves with manes of matted up fur.

Your friend keeps flitting around the party, talking to whoever she recognizes from classes or campus organizations, and you’ve given up on trying to follow her around any longer. Every time you turn around, she’s somewhere else. Noticing that you’re currently solo, a guy from one of your history classes comes up to you and begins what he thinks is an interesting conversation on how angels actually look more like Eldritch abominations than the cherubic humans depicted in paintings—so your costume is “technically inaccurate” —and your eyes glaze over as you pretend to listen to him.

You eventually manage to get away from him and get to an undisturbed corner, wedged next to two girls drinking cider and critically rating all the guys’ costumes. You pull your phone out and think about calling for a ride back to campus, but your thumb hovers over the message icon. You press it without thinking too much about it, and Johnny’s name appears as one of your most recent conversations. Though you feel somewhat nervous, you will yourself to open the box and begin typing.

To: Hi Johnny. I hope I’m not bothering you, but can I come over? 🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿 I’m over this party

You put your phone back in your purse, trying not to get your hopes up for a quick response. You know there’s a good chance he’d still be awake at this time of night since he doesn’t need to sleep, but he has his own life and is probably off doing...vampire-y things. Whatever those things could be.

However, your hopes are met when your phone pings only a couple minutes later.

From: Of course. You’re not scared about spending your Halloween with a vampire? 😏

You smile at that.

To: I think I’ll be fine…as long as you don’t bite me.

From: 🦷🩸

—

You get to Johnny’s studio apartment not too long after, and you hang around outside his door for a few moments before knocking, suddenly feeling bashful about your costume. Maybe you should’ve changed before coming over here; what if he thinks it’s childish? Or maybe too revealing? Does he even care about that kind of stuff? Doesn’t matter now, though. You’re here, and there’s no way you’re turning back around.

He answers a few seconds after you knock, wearing a sweater and black pants. You notice his sweater is a cream color and not the usual black. He looks a little surprised to see your costume, and his Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows.

“Wow, you look pretty. Nice of you to visit me after falling straight from Heaven.” You cringe at his cheesy line, though you also cannot deny that you secretly enjoy every bit of it.

“Thanks, Johnny...” you say timidly, stepping into his home as he lets you in. “Nice work with changing up the color scheme.”

He’s confused for a moment before realizing you’re talking about his clothes. “Oh yeah, that...um, haha. Thanks.”

Unbeknownst to you, the back of his mind is buzzing with a form of excitement he hasn’t felt in a while. Not the clawing, frantic spikes of bloodlust, but a more physical kind of desire. It’s pleasurable, but he also feels guilty about pining over how sweet and innocent you look in your all-white outfit, stockings hugging your legs perfectly and your dress just short enough to tempt the imagination. Really, you’ve painted a picture of perfect purity, and the only thing he can think about is ruining you. Putting his hands on you and peeling your dress off to reveal the soft skin underneath.

He casts those thoughts aside as you sit prettily on his couch, legs crossed at the ankles—though it’s hard to do so. “Do you want something to drink? Or eat? There isn’t a whole lot of food here, but I can order something…”

“Do you ever make your own coffee?” The question seems a bit random at first, and you try to explain. “You know, since you always get it from the café.”

Johnny smiles. “Do you want coffee? I can make it.”

You nod. “That would be nice…whatever you have.”

“I pretty much have your usual order memorized by now, so I should be good on making it.” Johnny walks to the kitchen. “You can look through the albums while you’re in there. The ones you haven’t seen yet.”

“Oh, thanks.” You feel a little nervous to be looking through the shelf of his treasured photo albums by yourself, but you’re also glad he trusts you enough to let you do it. It makes you feel important. Maybe even important to him, as silly as that might sound.

It isn’t long before the scent of coffee wafts out into the living room. Johnny returns soon with two cups of it, and just as he promised, yours is made just the way you like it.

“Thank you.” You set the album back on the shelf and take the cup from Johnny. For a while, both of you talk of nothing important—just filling the space with the details of your days.

“So how was the party?” Johnny finally asks, and he raises his eyebrows as he scans your outfit again. You grin halfheartedly.

“It was…alright. Kinda weird. I think it’d be more fun if I went to a regular university, but you know…”

Johnny shakes his head. “I can’t blame you for bailing out.”

“Yeah…I’ve been to college parties before, but the Halloween theme was a bit…”

“Strange for an institution that bans all supernatural beings?” Johnny finishes your sentence. He doesn’t look offended or irritated by it—only slightly amused.

You shrug, biting your lip. “Yeah, that.”

“Well, look on the bright side. I wouldn’t have gotten to see you in your natural form otherwise.”

This one almost goes over your head, too, but you catch it just in time. Johnny’s compliments make you feel warm all over, like you’re sitting under the sun. You grin and look down into your cup of coffee, unused to receiving such bold praise and unsure how to respond to it. Something pops into your mind, though, and you think it might be a good idea to run with it.

“You could...take a picture of me, you know. If you want to...since I’m all dressed up now anyway.” You meet his eyes only for a second and then look away, twisting the mug in your hands.

Johnny sits up a little straighter at your words, trying to catch your eyes, though you don’t hold his gaze for long. “You’re sure?” he asks.

“I’m sure. Go ahead! Before I change my mind.” You laugh nervously and carefully set your half-empty mug on the table.

Johnny’s camera is never too far away from him, so he grabs it and plays with the settings for a bit before looking back to you, a small smile on his face. “I’m gonna start, okay?” His voice is surprisingly soft. This, yet again, reminds you of him and the aster bush. He acts as if you might run away at the first shutter click, which makes you feel babied, but you don’t totally hate it.

The first few photos are a little awkward—at least to you. You aren’t sure how to pose, or if you should try to look more casual, though Johnny assures you you’re doing well. He gives you directives throughout, telling you to look in his direction or angle your face a certain way, and you follow his instructions to the best of your ability.

At one point, one of your dress straps slips down. When you go to fix it, Johnny says, “Wait. Could you keep it like that?”

You look at him, your body heating from the suggestion.

“Is that okay with you?”

“…Yes.” Your throat is dry, and your body reacts in a way you don’t expect—little nervous thrills in your hands and feet, though you try to internally explain it away as the coffee’s effects. Johnny takes a few more photos like this, and then he steps closer to gently touch your chin, guiding your face to the angle he’s looking for.

“So good for me.” It slips past his lips in a reverential murmur before he can really consider what he’s saying, and you both freeze. Your heart rate increases, and you wonder if he can hear how hard the red organ is beating in your chest. Probably.

You want to hear him say it again.

Johnny laughs awkwardly, his hand coming back to his side almost a little too quickly to be natural. “Um, I’m really sorry. That was a bit...”

“It…it’s fine.” You avoid his eyes. Johnny takes a few more photos, but the set of his mouth is a little tight, as if he’s stressed about something. Or regretting what he let slip, maybe. You want to tell him you really don’t feel bad about it, but you aren’t sure how to do that without making things more awkward…or revealing your true desires.

When Johnny has taken enough pictures of you to be satisfied with, he sits next to you on the couch, setting his camera on the coffee table and looking suddenly timid.

“I can’t wait to see them,” you say, attempting to break the tension that never really cleared the room after his earlier comment. He blinks for a moment like he doesn’t know what you mean, and then realizes—obviously, he’ll be developing the photos.

“They’ll come out nice, I’m sure. I think you’ll photograph well.”

“Thank you,” you murmur, and now it’s your turn to be unsure of how to resurrect the conversation.

“You’re beautiful.” It’s an abrupt comment. It makes your stomach twist in a pleasant, fluttery way, and you become hyperaware of his form sitting next to yours.

“Haven’t heard that one much, but thanks.”

Johnny turns to you. “Anyone who’d think otherwise is a fool.”

There’s a pause after this where you both simply study each other, watching for hidden reactions that can’t be read on the surface. The way he says it is…decisive, assured. But it also manages to be tender, as if he needs you to know what he thinks of you. Needs you to see yourself the way he does—the same way you do for him. You don’t know where the confidence comes from, but maybe his tone and his words and his endlessly dark eyes have pulled it out of you. “I want to kiss you.”

Johnny’s lips part. “Are you certain?”

“I’m certain.”

He doesn’t hesitate anymore. Johnny moves closer to you and cups the back of your neck. Something awakens in his eyes in the seconds before he presses his mouth to yours. Though he wants to drink eagerly from your lips, his kiss is languid to avoid overwhelming you, and there is an audible smack of your lips whenever he pulls away and presses back in.

His mouth tastes like the coffee you just drank, but underneath that you swear you can taste a hint of the deep iron of blood, and you don’t know how to feel about that. You think about what his fangs would feel like scraping against your bottom lip, if he’d ever show them to you, and you moan quietly.

“Do you want this? With me?” Johnny confirms once more, pulling his gaze away from your lips and up to your eyes. His own eyes are yearning, but there is also an element of something like fear roiling in them. As if you’d turn him away, even though you’ve already shown your desire for him.

“Yes. Just you. No one else.”

Johnny’s body gravitates towards yours, and you think he’s going to push you down onto the sofa, but he scoops your legs up and carries you to his bedroom instead. Even his hands on your waist and legs makes you burn inside.

This is the first time you've seen his bedroom. The sheets are cloud-soft when he sets you down on them, and his window lets moonlight shine through the open blinds and scatter in thick beams across the floor. The only other light source is the bedside lamp, which emits a comfortable yellowish glow.

Johnny joins you on the bed and lets you climb into his lap—encourages you to do so. His cool hands pulling at your thighs as you settle them on either side of his waist makes tingles go through your body. You don’t hesitate to bring your lips back together, kissing each other deeply as one of his hands cradles the back of your head and the other settles on the small of your back.

You are certain vampires don’t have any powers of enchantment—that’s for magic wielders. And yet, you feel like you’ve been put in a trance by his kisses alone, and you wonder how you could’ve lived this long without knowing how his lips feel—how they fit perfectly against your own. As if everything up to now has purposely led you together.

You shift in Johnny’s embrace, and the movement causes his thigh to slide between your legs. Your heat is pressed against his thigh directly now, your silken panties catching against the denim of his pants. You murmur against his lips, not really saying anything of substance but wanting to vocalize your desire to him. Johnny’s hand tightens slightly on your back, and he experimentally lifts his leg higher and slides his thigh across you. That draws a gasp from you.

Noticing your positive response, Johnny continues rocking his thigh up against your pussy and kissing you until you’re breathless and your nipples are straining against the fabric of your dress. You pull away from him for a moment to try to ground yourself, feeling like your nerves are already being singed with fiery pleasure. Johnny’s face is noticeably more flushed than before, but he also looks much more composed than you feel at the moment.

“It takes longer to get hard,” he explains, as if reading the lingering question in your own expression. “Since...you know. Slow blood.” You rock your hips over his thigh more enthusiastically, motivated to get him hard underneath you, and you listen to his choppy breaths as you move. Your movements aren’t the smoothest, but he helps you guide your hips in a way that feels good for you both. You’ve never been with anyone before, so it doesn’t much matter to you how long or quick it takes for him to get there as long as he does.

Feeling the bulge grow underneath you excites you. Johnny groans against your lips as you kiss him and rub yourself over his member. The sound comes from somewhere deep inside him, as if it’s something he’s been containing for a long time. Your hand goes to his waist and tugs at his belt loops, then drifts closer to his belt buckle, pulling the leather and metal apart. Johnny pauses when you get off his lap and slide further down, grips your arms like he doesn’t want you to go. “Are…you sure? You don’t have to…if it’s too much—”

“I want to, Johnny.”

With your affirmative, he lets you kneel between his legs, pull his zipper apart, and trace your curious fingers over the bulge beneath the fabric of his underwear. Johnny loses his breath when you drag his underwear down, sliding it over the heated skin of his dick. His length is thick and long—even with him not being fully hard yet—and the tip glistens wet with precum. You weren’t sure what to expect, but this is much bigger than you think you might be able to handle. It makes your face warm and your stomach do another series of flips. Still, you want it and you want him, so you aren’t going to stop now.

You lean closer to press your lips against his shaft, leaving a few soft kisses behind. Johnny’s mouth parts when your mouth touches him.

Johnny gently holds the back of your head as you leave small licks over his shaft, tasting the salty skin on your tongue. He lets out a shaky breath as he watches you, his other hand brushing the side of your face.

“Just like that…” he murmurs, his voice heavy with lust as you circle your tongue around the thick, darkened tip, catching drops of his precum. He never takes his eyes off you, and this makes you feel a little exposed, but you continue with your actions. When you suck Johnny’s tip past your lips, his thighs tense under you, the thick muscle reacting beautifully to your actions on his body.

More precum drips from him, and you find the taste strangely pleasing. It makes you want more of him, of whatever he has to offer you. You wrap your hand around his shaft, though it doesn’t fit entirely around, and begin stroking him in a way you hope feels good.

Johnny’s hand slips over yours to guide your movements and show you how much pressure to apply, what pace to stroke him at. “Like this, baby…yes, that’s so good…” He showers you with praise as you get the hang of it, and he eventually lets your hand go so you can do it on your own, his own hand drifting back to the bed to grip the comforter.

It’s hard to quantify just how much seeing you like this turns him on, you kneeling between his legs with his cock between your lips while wearing your pretty, angelic outfit. His previous guilt about “corrupting” you descends to the very back of his mind as he savors every moment of your hands on his cock and your tongue circling his slit.

“I’m close,” he whispers. You quicken your movements on him, hollowing your cheeks tighter around his dick, and the moan he gives shoots straight between your legs.

Johnny carefully pulls your head back so you won’t choke before he comes, streams of his seed shooting into your mouth and running down his cock. Your hand still squeezes around him as he comes, and he slowly thrusts into the tight circle of your fist as you milk every drop from him. By the time he’s spent, your mouth and hand and part of the sheets are completely sticky with his release. You imagine it must have been a long time since he’s last had an orgasm.

The vampire watches intently as you swallow his cum, which causes his softening dick to throb in your hand. He takes your face in his hands and kisses you deeply, uncaring of the taste of himself in your mouth. His hair tickles your face as he kisses you feverishly, his nose bumping yours and his tongue prodding past your lips.

“Come here, angel.” Johnny pulls your body up onto the bed before you can get yourself up there first. The pet name makes warmth flood through your body, like drinking a hot chocolate at the café, except a thousand times more satisfying. Johnny’s hands are once again caressing your thighs, though this time they slide up underneath your dress and squeeze your hips. “Can I take these pretty panties off you?”

“Please.”

He hooks his fingers into the sides of them and pulls them down your legs and past your ankles. One of his hands goes underneath your dress to feel you soft and wet against his fingers, and you both moan at the same time. He slides his digits through your lips and over your clit, and him leaning forward to bring his mouth to your throat is enough to have you nearly overwhelmed. His fingers tease your entrance but don’t push inside until you nearly have to beg him.

“Please, Johnny…” You push your hips up to get his attention.

“Do you want my fingers?” he asks softly.

“Y-yes…” At your words, he eases the middle one into you, slowly enough to avoid discomfort. It feels strange to have someone else’s fingers inside you. His finger reaches further than yours can, touching you more deeply than you’ve felt before; it makes you gasp a bit too sharply.

“Are you hurt?” he asks, freezing and thinking he might’ve done something wrong.

“N-no, I’m fine. Keep going.”

Johnny’s mouth edges closer to the cleavage of your dress as he starts thrusting his finger into you, warming you up enough to take a second digit. Shakily, you bring your hands up to slide the straps down and make it easier for him, and his breath hitches when you pull the top of your dress down.

His mouth envelopes one of your nipples as he slides the second finger into you. His fingers encounter a part of you that makes you moan unexpectedly and grab onto him, a little surprised at the sudden spike of pleasure.

“You’re so pretty,” he purrs, his lips moving against the curve of your breast as he speaks. “And so responsive.”

As Johnny’s mouth and fingers work you closer to an orgasm, you marvel at how handsome he looks and how good he feels. He opens his eyes to see you staring at him, your pupils wide and mouth desperate, and he separates himself from your chest to kiss you deeply once again.

When you come around his fingers, Johnny whispers more compliments to you about how good you are and how he wants to watch you come undone because of him all the time. When he thinks you might be on the brink of overstimulation, he takes his fingers out of you, slipping them into his mouth to taste you.

“I’ll take this off now. Is that okay?” He whispers this into your ear with his hands on either side of your hips, caressing the fabric of your dress.

“I-it’s okay.”

Johnny slips your dress off, leaving you in nothing but your white sheer stockings. The sight of you sitting there on his bed, breathing heavily from your climax in your pretty thigh-highs, has his cock throbbing and rising to life once again.

“Lay back on the bed.” You do, and he settles himself between your legs like you did for him earlier. When you glance at him, his eyes are heavy and piercing. In this moment, you are acutely reminded of the fact that he is not a human, with how he looks like a beast of prey about to devour a meal. You are too nervous to look back at him for long, so you stare at the ceiling with your legs shaking from anticipation.

Johnny’s mouth on you is almost jarring in how wet it is, and you arch up into him in surprise and a rush of pleasure. He gently presses your legs back onto the bed and continues licking into you, parting your lower lips with his tongue and making your thighs tremble under his grasp.

If you had to describe it in words, you probably wouldn’t be able to. He kisses your pussy the same way he kisses you on the mouth, passionately and with more than enough tongue to satisfy. Johnny slips his fingers into you again as he curls his lips around your clit, and you moan unabashedly.

You’re quickly spiraling towards another orgasm, maybe quicker than you expected; but it makes sense with you still being so raw from the climax you just had. You gain enough courage to give another glance down at Johnny, and you see the way his other arm moves back and forth from beneath the bed, stroking himself while he eats you out. Something about that pushes you over the edge, and you cry out as you come on his tongue.

As Johnny gives you time to calm down again, he stands and finally pulls his clothes off, baring his body to you. You’re not sure if you’ve ever seen a man so beautiful.

He goes to get a condom, and your words stumble from your lips before you can psych yourself out of saying them. “I-I’m on birth control.” Johnny looks back at you, his gaze filled with something you can’t quite read. He comes closer to you, holding himself above you on the bed so his face is hovering just above yours.

“You want to feel me raw?” he whispers.

You nod under his burning stare, feeling like you’re on a high you won’t be able to get off of. “I need you, Johnny.”

Johnny climbs fully onto the bed then and positions himself between your legs. His cock is thick and heavy between his thighs as it bumps against your inner thigh and leaves a smear of precum behind. After putting some lube in his hand, he slicks himself with the sticky substance, preparing himself to fuck you open. Something deep in your abdomen shudders, and your walls clench around nothing as you watch him stroke his shaft, the squelching, wet sound of his hand on his dick loud in the quiet room.

When he’s done, he grabs your thighs and pulls you a little closer to him. “If it hurts, tell me, okay?”

“O-okay.”

The slick tip prodding at your hole makes you want more, though you are a bit afraid of how this is going to feel. When it finally pushes inside of you, you gasp. Johnny watches your face for signs of pain as he slides forward further.

With two previous orgasms and the lube to help, his cock stretches you open with some discomfort, but not the kind of sharp pain you expected. Your nails leave little half-moon shapes on Johnny’s biceps as you squeeze his arms and try to keep your lower half relaxed, wanting to take all of him in—or as much as you can manage, anyway. You try to keep your breathing even as he pushes into you slowly.

Your eyebrows crease and your mouth tightens when he slides deeper still, and he pauses. “Johnny…” You worry your lip with your teeth, feeling like you’ve been stuffed to the brim—and he’s not even all the way in yet.

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No,” you beg, maintaining your grip on his arms. “Just…try moving.”

Johnny pulls out and slowly thrusts back in again, angling his dick to find that sensitive spot within you. Your mouth falls open silently when he does; this feels much, much different from his fingers. This is better.

Johnny repeats the movement, being mindful not to push himself too deep—only enough for you to handle. Beneath him, your body begins unwinding at the pleasure he’s delivering to you, and your eyes flutter closed as the ecstasy takes over your mind. One of his hands goes to tease your clit as he settles into a good rhythm, and you cry out at the extra dose of pleasure.

“You’re taking me so well,” Johnny mumbles as he sits back and watches himself slide into you, both of your lower halves slick from lube and your own wetness. “So warm and wet, angel…” You can tell he’s using a lot of his energy to keep his pace controlled and gentle enough for you to actually enjoy. The idea of being fucked harder makes you ache deep inside, but you figure it’s best to save that for when you’re more used to this. You already know it’ll be difficult to walk in the morning after this.

Johnny leans forward to kiss your lips, changing the angle again and circling his pelvis into you, and a choked gasp escapes your mouth at the slow wind of his hips.

Johnny lavishes your neck and throat with kisses, and though he is a vampire, you aren’t worried about him biting you. His fangs have not made an appearance since all this started, and you doubt if he would ever bring them out in front of you. You don’t know if you should ask about it, either, wondering if it’s too soon after only a month and a half of knowing each other—but maybe you could say the same about him being inside of you right now.

“Johnny…” you whisper into the air, your fingers scrabbling against his sweaty skin. The mounting tension in your abdomen is close to snapping, and you are almost frightened by how intense it already feels. He moves his face from your neck to be face-to-face with you again and plants a heavy, dizzying kiss on your lips.

“It’s okay,” he murmurs against your kiss-swollen lips. “I’ve got you, Y/N.”

Falling apart in Johnny’s arms feels like a form of Heaven that’s meant to be kept hidden, because you might become addicted to it otherwise. Your inner muscles squeeze around his dick as you come. His name flows from your lips in a high song. You can’t imagine any physical sensation that could be better than this, his hips rocking into you as you tighten and cream around him, and you know innately that Johnny has ruined all chances of you ever feeling this fulfilled with anyone but him.

The constant pulse of your walls against his dick is too much to withstand for long, and Johnny’s muscles pull taut with pleasure when he comes, groaning into your neck and spilling overflowing streams of thick cum into you. His hips falter in their former rhythm, and he resists the urge to push himself as deep as he can into you.

When he pulls out, you whine from the discomfort of it, but also because you wish he could stay in you forever. You know you’ll be sore when you wake up—and you can already feel the very beginnings of exhaustion and ache settling in your body—but you’d do it a hundred times over without changing a thing.

—

Johnny curls himself around you after he’s cleaned the both of you up, as if he means to shield you from the world. You’re quiet for a while as you listen to his slow-beating heart and feel his cool skin against yours.

You look up at his face, which is hard to see distinctly in the dark of the room. With the lamp turned out, the only source of light comes from the moon now, but you can decipher enough to make out the shape of his lips and his glittering eyes. You know he can see much better than you in this light, and he takes his time tracing his fingers across your face and cheek, studying your features.

“Would you ever…make me a vampire?”

His body tenses at your question. “Don’t say anything ridiculous. You still have a whole life ahead of you to live. What I have here...this is no existence.” He’s not mad, at least not at you, but his voice hardens at the very idea of it.

“But what if I wanted to live it with you?”

Johnny takes a breath, but he doesn’t say anything to that. He just continues stroking your face and looks at you for a long time, like he’s searching for something. You don’t know if you truly expected an answer from him, or how you would feel if he did give one.

Eventually, your eyes begin to fall low, and sleep overcomes you. The last thing you register is Johnny’s chilly hand touching your cheek. When he notices you’ve drifted off, he pulls the covers tighter around you both. Then he presses you to his chest as he tunes out the sound of cars rumbling on the streets below in exchange for the beating of your heart—still alive, so red with blood.

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