#massachusetts has felt like florida

[scienter]

What's with all the tornados in southern New England this summer? I was under a tornado warning yesterday with a storm that spawned FOUR tornados (including EF 2). Adding these 4 tornados to the previous 4 we've had in Massachusetts this summer put us at 8. This is bizarre. We usually get 2 tornados a year. And they're usually EF 0s. What is going on?

Although, now that I think about it the bizarre weather / natural disasters have occurred all over the US this summer. Vermont was hit with biblical flooding. Hawaii was hit with apocalyptic wildfires. The southwest is dealing with record-breaking heat. There's a Category 4 Hurricane/Tropical Storm heading toward southern California. Is this all just climate change? Probably.

[vivalas-vega]

new perspectives / jake ‘hangman’ seresin x reader / prologue

new series alert !!!! I’m really excited about this one :) I’m still brainstorming a cute nickname for our reader here so if anyone has any ideas lmk and as always lmk what you think and if you want to be added to the taglist for this!

new perspectives / jake ‘hangman’ seresin x reader / prologue

to be tagged in future works, please turn on post notifications for @vegaslibrary 

part one

word count: 1.7k

warnings: none :) series will include language, drinking, smut, the whole nine lol

You knew thoroughly and completely that this was supposed to be the most exciting time of your life… It was the time for new beginnings, to embark on new journeys and gain new perspectives but it didn’t feel that way at all. It felt like the sky was falling and your life was ending though it was truly just getting started and Jake was feeling the same way. Of course he did, you shouldn’t have been surprised, your families had joked you shared one brain since you’d first met at ten years old. A screaming match at recess landed the two of you in the principal's office with your parents and while you’d walked in as mortal enemies, you teamed up in your disdain for your parents and teachers assessment of the situation and left as friends, never to be seen far from the other for the following eight years. 

“We knew this was coming, sweetheart…” he said, planting a kiss on your forehead as you nestled into his side. It was rather dramatic and you knew it, because he was right but that didn’t make this any easier. You weren’t leaving yet and neither was he, it was a simple question he’d asked… wanting to know if you’d made any college decisions yet and halfway through your answer you’d broken down. The weight of that decision had hit you like a freight train and left you wracked with emotion as you cried into his chest.

“I don’t want to leave,” you blubbered and he rubbed soothingly along your back.

“Yes, you do. I do, too. Trust me, if there was a Navy flight school in California I’d be there in a heartbeat.”

“If there was a good biology program in Florida, I’d be there in a heartbeat,” you replied and he just chuckled.

“Wouldn’t do much good anyways, I’d be off to Rhode Island before you graduated anyways.”

“Why would you say that right now?” you asked, another wave of tears cascading down your face. Theoretically you knew Jake’s dream career would leave him bouncing around not only the country but the world for seemingly the rest of his life and it was a disgustingly bitter pill to swallow. 

“Hey, you’re going to be all over the place, too… after Stanford who knows where you’ll go for residency… then you’ll have your pick of fellowships because why wouldn’t you?”

“I’m offended you didn’t say Massachusetts for residency, you have to speak it into existence, Jake.” you mumbled.

“Your plans could change… it’s okay for plans to change,” he pointed out and you looked up at him deadpan. “Right, forgot who I was talking to,” he laughed. “We’re going to be okay.”

You shook your head, “no… we’re not.” This was where you and Jake differed. He had an unwavering optimism for your relationship's survival after graduation but you didn’t share that same hope. You knew what was coming, you knew how few relationships actually survived the first year of college. By some miracle if it did, it would only grow more strained once medical school started, and residency was a completely different beast… not to mention the fact that he would be frequently deployed only god knows where with no ability to call or check in. 

“Honey…” he started, but you just cut him off.

“We have to be realistic,” you muttered. “I think we should…” you trailed off, feeling your throat grow thick, almost as if your body was forcing you not to say it because once you did everything would change. You felt him stiffen beneath you and your body’s attempt at self-preservation was in vain anyways, he knew where you were going.

“We should what? Break up?” he asked, hurt lacing his voice and you sat up to face him as you wiped your tears.

“No, I… I don’t want to break up, Jake, you know that… I just-”

“Think it would be easier?” he asked and you shook your head, taking his hands in yours as you tried to keep him from spiraling.

“I’m not saying this because it’s what I want, Jake. It’s the furthest thing from what I want, if I could make myself have the same dream as you and go to flight school with you so we could keep doing everything together like we always have I would. God, I’ve even tried to want that but we’re just… we’re on different paths. We both dream too big and eventually it was going to catch up to us.” 

“So is this… are you ending this right now? Are we over?” Tears were forming in his eyes and you reached up to swipe them away as they fell.

“No. I’m saying that… I’m saying that we should soak up the time we have together, make the most of it before we both leave and when we do…” you trailed off again, and he cradled your head in his hands.

“When we do, we’re over.” You nodded, your face curling with pain and he couldn’t bear the sight. He pulled you in close, hugging you tight as if he loosened his grip you’d vanish into thin air. “I love you,” he mumbled into your hair and you nodded as you wrapped yourself around him.

“I love you too, so much…” 

And you did just what you said you would. You made the most of the few weeks you had left. Your parents knew what was coming and loosened the reins, sleepovers that had stopped the moment you got together were no longer forbidden and despite their own grief at their babies moving out and moving on they allowed you to spend all of your time together because secretly your impending doom was just as hard on them as it was on you. The four of them had all known your relationship was an inevitability, even had wagers on when it would happen… your mom had won, something she boasted about frequently, she’d even gotten it right down to the day, your junior prom. They also knew what you did, that it would never survive the rigors of college, the unpredictability of the Navy, or the grueling schedule of residency. They’d raised two kids that were larger than life, two kids destined to become the greatest at what they did and you just weren’t old enough or mature enough to figure out how to make each other fit. 

You helped each other pack, studied for finals, danced the night away at prom and walked with each other onto the field for graduation and when the time came to load you onto a plane to San Jose he was right by your side until he couldn’t be.

“This isn’t goodbye,” he said, sensing your body language as you turned to face him before entering the security line. 

You nodded, “I know… I’ll see you at Thanksgiving,” you said softly and his hands rested on your hips. You had said your goodbyes to your parents this morning, they suggested Jake drop you at the airport to let you have your final moments in privacy… as much privacy as the airport would allow. 

“We’re making the right decision,” you weren’t really sure who he was trying to convince but in the end it didn’t really matter. Neither one of you were sure this was true, but it seemed to be the only way to handle things right now.

You nodded again, “it’s not an ending it’s just… all we’re saying is not right now.” He leaned his forehead against yours, eyes fluttering shut as he pulled you as close as he possibly could and you felt tears spill out and onto your cheeks. “I’m going to go learn how to become a doctor, you’re going to go learn how to be the best damn pilot the Navy has ever seen and we’re going to be good.” Again, who you were trying to convince was up for debate. You pulled your head back to instead bury it in his neck as you threw your arms around his shoulders and breathed in as much of him as you could. 

“We’ll be good,” he mumbled and you knew you had to pull away… you knew you had to turn around and walk away from him but you couldn’t bring yourself to do it just yet. You wanted to stay here, right here in this airport wrapped up in his arms for the rest of your life, but you couldn’t… you had a plane to catch and dreams to follow and he did too. You pulled away suddenly, keeping your arms around him as you looked at him seriously.

“Promise me something,” you said as you fought another wave of tears.

“Anything.”

“You’re not going to wait for me, we’re not going to hold back and miss out on life waiting on a maybe.”

“Honey-” he started to protest but you shook your head.

“Promise me, Jake, otherwise I can’t get on that plane. Promise me you’re not going to wait.”

He cursed under his breath, “okay, honey. I promise.”

“And promise me you’re still my best friend,” you said, letting the tears fall now.

“Oh sweetheart, not being your best friend was never an option,” he replied and you nodded, letting your hands rest on his cheeks as you looked him over. This was the last time you would hold his head in your hands and this was the last time you would look at him as your boyfriend, because the second you boarded your plane you would be single and embarking on a whole new journey. He placed a hand on the back of your head and pulled you in, pressing his lips to yours so gently, as if he applied any pressure you’d crumble beneath him. You had other ideas, kissing him back in almost a frenzy as he matched your pace and allowed his tongue to slip past your lips, tasting you for the last time and savoring the moment as he knew it was the last. You pulled away slightly, giving him a few more gentler kisses as you swiped away the tears wetting your hands, 

“I love you,” you whispered and he kissed you again.

“I love you too, honey.”

next part

[writingonleaves]

and what if i really thought some miracle would see us through?

universe: nico hischier (though he doesn't appear in this part) x clementine sandoval x hughes brothers

warnings: cancer, grief, sadness, spoilers to first part (linked below), not proofread

title: "ronan" by taylor swift

word count: 1k

author's note: uhhh surprise?? reached 50 followers today (which, by the way, thank you SO much you're all so wonderful) and had a burst of inspiration and wanted to get out of my writer's block. tried something a bit different and put my journalism degree to use. if you haven't read the first edition of this au yet, please do!! hope you enjoy and lmk what you think!

Hockey Fights Cancer: Hughes Brothers Edition 

From The Athletic

L - R: Miguel Sandoval with baby Quinn Hughes, 1999, Miguel with Clementine Sandoval, Jack Hughes and Luke Hughes, 2005, Jack Hughes with his mother Ellen Weinberg-Hughes and Maeve Sandoval, 2019, Clementine, Quinn, Jack and Luke, 2020. All photos courtesy of Clementine Sandoval

*****

Family values have always been ingrained in the Hughes family. 

With Quinn, Jack and Luke drafted in the top 10 during their respective draft years, they’ve always acknowledged that it takes a village to get where they are. Talent is the obvious driver, but it’s also about the support to elevate that talent. 

But it hasn't necessarily always been family with the Hughes surname that has influenced them. According to Jack, there’s another surname that “should be added onto the back of my jersey.”

The Sandovals consist of Maeve Sandoval nee Brennan, Miguel Sandoval and Clementine Sandoval. Miguel died in 2015 from pancreatic cancer, and he is who all Hughes brothers are playing for as teams across the league celebrates Hockey Fights Cancer nights starting this week.

“Growing up three streets over from the Sandovals in Toronto was such a prominent childhood memory,” Quinn said. “Every memory I have from that time has them in it.”

Ellen Weinberg-Hughes, the Hughes brothers’ mother, and Maeve played collegiate soccer together at the University of New Hampshire. Maeve met Miguel at UNH, Ellen met Jim Hughes post-grad and the four of them became a unit. 

“I still remember meeting Maeve when she was a junior and I was a freshman,” Ellen says. “So outgoing and so skilled. She may have been the first upperclassman to make me feel really welcome.”

Though both couples would have lives that took them to separate places — Ellen and Jim to Florida and New Hampshire and Maeve and Miguel to Massachusetts — they would eventually all meet back in Toronto. 

Clementine was the first child born in 1997, followed by Quinn two years later, then Jack and then Luke. As the only girl in the mix, she naturally fell into the older sister role. 

“I always forget that I don’t technically have any siblings,” Clementine said. “But these days, whenever people ask, I just say I have three younger brothers. Because it’s true.”

Clementine is currently a second-year resident at New York University Langone Health, focusing on a combined emergency room and pediatric residency. After spending her undergrad and medical school years in California, when she was notified of her placement in March 2023, Jack and Luke immediately asked her to move in with them in Hoboken. 

“It was a no brainer,” Jack said. “After being in different states for so long, it felt like it was meant to be. Who gets the chance to live with one of their best friends?”

When Miguel was going through treatment, Clementine had just finished her junior year of high school. Quinn was 15, Jack was 13 and Luke was 11. He died days after Quinn verbally committed to the University of Michigan.

“I was young, but I still remember how positive Miguel was when he must’ve been in so much pain,” Luke said. “He always had a smile on his face and made it to every game of ours he could. I got a hattrick in the last game of mine he came to. I’ll never forget that.”

Miguel couldn’t skate for his life, according to Jim. But that didn’t matter. If he wasn’t at his daughter’s soccer games, he was going to the rink to watch the boys. 

“Miguel was known to be vocal in the stands,” Jim said. “Any bad call and he was immediately on his feet. I know he’s upstairs watching every Canucks and Devils game as passionate as ever.”

Last season, Jack and Luke revealed to Amanda Smith, the New Jersey Devils Team Reporter the reason why they chose 43 and 86. April 3 was Miguel’s birthday, and Miguel always said that Jack’s “bright and bold” personality was as loud as both of his brothers combined. 

“I often think about how [Miguel] never got to see us play in the NHL or for our country,” Quinn said. “Which is so unfair in so many ways, because he always believed in us and was such a loud cheerleader. There are days when I just get sad and I wish he was still here, but then I give Maeve or Clem a call and then it’s usually okay.”

Jack said that Clementine has always been the bright spot amongst the emptiness left by Miguel’s death.

“It puts things into perspective, the way Clee has lived her life beautifully and the way she thinks so positively,” Jack said. “I’ve always seen her as an older sister, but she’s also just one of the best people in the world. Miguel’s energy lives through her.”

“Having Clemmy in our life has been such a blessing,” Luke added. “She’s taught me so much and always looked out for me. I know the three of us try our best to look after her as well.”

Luke still remembers one specific moment during his draft — Clementine and Maeve made it to all three boys’ big days. The morning of, Clementine pulled him aside and gave him an envelope. Immediately, Luke knew what was inside. Quinn and Jack had gotten theirs during their drafts. 

A letter addressed to Luke from Miguel. Written two months before he died. 

“Dad gave those letters to me to give to them and was very specific about his instructions,” Clementine added. “‘Honey, pull them aside on their draft day, and just give it to them without any context. Only for their own eyes to read.’ I remember being like, how do you know they’re gonna get drafted? And he was like, ‘I just know.’”

All three of them still have their respective letters. Ellen and Jim have theirs as well — Maeve gave them theirs on Quinn’s draft day. Letters were a Miguel staple, according to Clementine. She herself got one when she graduated college and probably will get one when she gets married.

“I can’t imagine the amount of courage and strength that took him,” Quinn said. “Knowing that he wasn’t going to be there for such big moments and writing something anyways. I carry mine with me on every road trip.”

Next week, when the Devils host their Hockey Fights Cancer Night during their home game against the Canucks, the Hughes brothers will be playing for Miguel. Clementine, Ellen and Jim will be in the stands while Maeve — an elementary school teacher — will be watching from Boston. 

“We’ll for sure be thinking of him that night, but whenever we step onto the ice, 43 or 86 on our back, we always think of him,” Jack said. “I hope we’re making him proud.”

[frida-kahl-of-the-rocky-horror]

I saw this back when I used to use Reddit (for animal crossing and trans+ stuff mostly), and I felt so honoured that they used my Florida flag redesign in this that I screenshotted it. But when I looked to find the original poster, they had deleted the post (likely because of negative replies, vexillology Reddit is scary).

They recreated the state flags to be more about symbolism and individuality rather than about aesthetics (which is the problem I see with a lot of over simplified state flags). All while keeping the flags that actually carry deep meaning and are beloved by the residents.

I’m not the biggest fan of Nebraska’s, Virginia’s, and Wisconsin’s, but all the others are wonderful (especially Florida’s… I will not apologize for being biased lol)

The original Reddit person’s caption:

“I kept some flags which I believe are currently great. Most of them are all over State merchandise, and people of these states carry a lot of state pride for these flags. They are:

1. Alabama

2. Alaska

3. Arizona

4. Arkansas

5. California

6. Colorado

7. lowa

8. Maryland

9. Mississippi

10. Missouri

11. New Mexico

12. Ohio, my home state! [not mine, OPs]

13. Rhode Island

14. South Carolina

15. Tennessee

16. Texas

17. Utah

18. Wyoming

19. District of Columbia [I believe you mean the Douglass Commonwealth]

20. Guam

21. The Northern Mariana Islands

22. Puerto Rico

I've switched some State’s boring Seal on a Bedsheet flags into their more popular historical ones. They are:

23. Conecticut ~ New England Flag

24. Hawaii ~ Kanaka Maoli

25. Maine ~ Original State Flag

26. Vermont ~ Green Mountain Boys Flag

27. Virginia ~ Gadsden Flag

28. West Virginia ~ Original State Flag

I've made a few tweaks to some existing flags so they look more unique / are more easily recognizable. They are:

29. Indiana ~ Golden Frame

30. New Jersey ~ Added Stripes

31. North Carolina ~ Un-Tex-ified

32. Oklahoma ~ Added Stripes

33. American Samoa ~ Added Southern Cross

I designed some using the Pan Cascade colours for the Pacific Northwest (BC will have the tree one). They are:

34. Idaho

35. Oregon

36. Washington

I borrowed some other designs which I found on here which I found beautiful. I mostly looked for flags which were designed by locals from the states that they are redesigning or included state symbols on their old flags. They are:

37. Florida [omg they chose mine!!!]

38. Georgia

39. Kansas

40. Kentucky

41. Louisiana

42. Michigan

43. Montana

44. Nevada

45. New Hampshire

46. New York

47. North Dakota [I prefer my communist flag better wajajaja]

48. Pennsylvania

49. South Dakota

50. Wisconsin

51. Virgin Islands

I left the flags currently in the process of a redesign blank, for, given the recent track record, any new flags are probably going to look amazing like Utah’s and Mississippi’s. They are:

52. Illinois [this is your reminder to vote for your new state flag if you’re from this state!!!]

53. Massachusetts [this is your reminder to vote for your new state flag if you’re from this state!!!]

54. Minnesota [this is your reminder to vote for your new state flag if you’re from this state!!!]

I kept one Seal on a Bedsheet flag to honour this horrid time in American vexillological history. That is:

55. Delaware

And lastly

56. Nebraska (idk)”

While I agree with most of the OP’s opinions, I think Nebraska’s flag would look better if it looked something like this:

Better designed of course, I made this on Pic Collage in like 5 minutes

Im not sure about Wisconsin and Virginia, I just know I’m not the biggest fan of either (since Virginia’s flag has a separate meaning and Wisconsin’s is just bland.

Let me know what you think!

And if you’re the OP of this, please let me know, I like your choices!!

[mariacallous]

WASHINGTON (JTA) — Over the weekend, one Jewish Democratic congressman joined with Elise Stefanik, the number-three Republican in the House of Representatives, to demand accountability for antisemitism.

Another took to cable TV to say she had no credibility on the issue.

The gap between the two Jewish Democrats — Florida’s Jared Moskowitz and Maryland’s Jamie Raskin — illustrates a broader dilemma for liberal Jews. Moskowitz joined with Stefanik to demand that three elite universities fire their leaders for failing to protect Jews on campus, while Raskin told MSNBC that Stefanik is a leading enabler of antisemitism because she has echoed a conspiracy theory that has fueled antisemitic violence.

The split on Stefanik stems from a congressional hearing last week in which she asked the presidents of Harvard University, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and the University of Pennsylvania if “calling for the genocide of Jews” is against the universities’ codes of conduct. All three, weighing campus conduct codes against free speech imperatives, said the answer depended on the context. In the ensuing outrage, Penn President Liz Magill stepped down and pressure built on Harvard’s Claudine Gay to do the same.

For some, Stefanik emerged from the meeting as an unexpected champion of the fight against antisemitism. Moskowitz said in a Fox News interview that Stefanik “did a great job” questioning the university presidents and signed a letter demanding their resignations. 

In the past, however, the upstate New York Republican has drawn condemnation for comments echoing the white supremacist “great replacement theory,” which in its original form claims that Jews are orchestrating the mass immigration of people of color into Western nations in order to replace their white populations. In 2021, Stefanik’s campaign posted on social media that Democrats plan to “overthrow our current electorate” by allowing undocumented immigrants to enter the country.

That statement by Stefanik has placed some Jews in an ambivalent spot: surprised to find themselves cheering her on.

“I felt very strange, kind of like rooting her on when she was asking her questions,” recalled Jewish philanthropist Lisa Greer. “I just thought ‘this is really amazing.’ And then I kept thinking, well, it looks like Elise Stefanik, but is that really her? I couldn’t believe it was the same person.”

Betsy Sheerr, a Democratic donor and a philanthropist who has given to multiple Jewish and pro-Israel causes, said she appreciated Stefanik for getting results.

“I think that she said what a lot of us were thinking when we listened to the testimony, to be honest, and as harsh as she was — she was really grilling them — I think a lot of us watched that and said you know, that’s absolutely right, this is unacceptable, this is ridiculous, this is cowardice,” Sheerr said from Israel, where she was on a solidarity tour. “So you know in that way I would have to begrudgingly admit that she shone a light and there were results that might not have happened without the directness of her grilling people.”

Raskin, speaking Sunday on MSNBC, said that Stefanik’s enabling of antisemitism in her party disqualified her from any role in combating antisemitism on campus.

“Where does Elise Stefanik get off lecturing anybody about antisemitism, when she’s the hugest supporter of Donald Trump, who traffics in antisemitism all the time?” Raskin said, according to an account in The Hill. He added that she “didn’t utter a peep of protest” when Trump dined a year ago with Kanye West, the rapper who embraced antisemitism, and Nick Fuentes, a Holocaust denier.

Stefanik responded on X that Trump was “the best friend Jewish people have had in the White House in modern times.” She listed a number of Trump’s Israel policies, such as moving the U.S. embassy to Jerusalem, as well as his 2019 executive order on antisemitism.

Stefanik’s past actions did not deter the country’s leading antisemitism watchdog from sharing video of the congressional hearing. In 2022, after a mass shooting in Buffalo inspired by the “great replacement” theory, the Anti-Defamation League criticized Stefanik as on of its propagators, saying her campaign’s posts “strategically play on extremist rhetoric to stoke growing fears that white Americans are under attack and minorities seek to eject them.”

Yet its CEO, Jonathan Greenblatt, posted a video the day of the hearing that starred Stefanik. “These leaders’ lack of moral clarity in response to this line of questioning is shameful,” he said on X, formerly Twitter.

Greenblatt and Stefanik did not return requests for comment.

Amy Spitalnick, the CEO of the Jewish Council for Public Affairs, said Stefanik could not disentangle antisemitism from the left, which Stefanik repudiates, from antisemitism on the right, which Stefanik ignores.

“It’s important to understand how deeply connected all of this antisemitism is, they are all rooted in conspiracy theories around Jewish control and power,” said Spitalnick, who played a leading role in successfully suing the neo-Nazi organizers of the deadly Charlottesville march, who chanted “Jews will not replace us.” 

“By normalizing great replacement and related extremism, there’s this horseshoe effect where it inadvertently or intentionally fuels the idea that Jews have outsized power and control,” Spitalnick said. “And it all comes back in a way that is deeply dangerous not just for the Jewish community, but for everyone.”

What bothers Sheerr was her gut instinct that Stefanik would not walk back her own incendiary comments from 2021, or more robustly confront antisemitism in her own party. She noted that Stefanik started out as a moderate, and is now a loyalist of Trump — who also has peddled versions of the “great replacement” theory.

“She has really turned into one of the propagators of some of the vilest antisemitism,” Sheerr said. “She doesn’t call out anybody in her party, or anything, whether it’s for [peddling the] dual loyalty trope, or any of the other tropes, so I think she has done a service in a way but she’s a very dangerous member of Congress.”

Greer also wondered whether Stefanik would budge on her earlier views. “The best thing I can say about this is I wish in a perfect world she would have changed, she would say ‘I don’t believe that,’ and she would use that voice for good. That would be a wonderful thing,” she said. “But I have no sense that that’s going to happen.”

Others are more optimistic. Esther Panitch, a Democratic representative in the Georgia state legislature who has been outspoken in confronting anti-Israel sentiment in her own party, said she hoped that part of what spurred Stefanik to take the lead in confronting the university presidents was the lessons she learned from her flirtation with the great replacement theory.

“It seems she’s educated herself since the comments last year,” Panitch said in an interview. “I’m hopeful that’s what happened, and that she wasn’t trying to score a few points. I’m appreciative of what she did.”

Meanwhile, Rep. Kathy Manning, a Jewish North Carolina Democrat, accused Stefanik of acting in bad faith after she appeared to have copied sections of a letter written by Manning that criticized the college presidents. Manning posted two letters on Twitter, hers and the one Stefanik and Moskowitz authored.  The first three paragraphs were identical and Manning said Stefanik had plagiarized her. “Rep. Stefanik is trying to get a sound bite and media hits,” she said.

Stefanik replied on X, formerly Twitter, that she made changes to the letter and then circulated it to Republican members. She accused Manning of “trying to do a hit piece to help panicked Democrats who are clearly on the wrong side of history protecting these university presidents.”

[sleepdeprivedsimp234]

Mass and Loui both dealing with survivor's guilt. Mass doesn't really openly talk about his often, but he knows it's there.

Just. Them being there for each other when they can relate to each other.

Massachusetts walked into the kitchen and saw Louisiana sitting at the kitchen island. He felt something…. strange about Loui. He felt a bit off. Louisiana seemed to have a very…. Distant. Look in his eyes. Like he was there but not mentally. His eyes were glazed over with unshed tears, he looked incredibly tense and his breathing was a bit shaky and Mass could tell that he was trying to not cry. The older state walked over to Loui and ran a gentle hand through the Pelican State’s hair, and felt the tension in the younger’s shoulders disappear almost instantly.

"Hey kiddo?" Mass asked as gently as he could.

A few seconds later he heard a near silent "Yea sha….?" Thank god for the excellent hearing that came with being a state.

"Are ya…. Um- are ya alright…?" He got no answer, but he saw a single tear fall from Louisiana’s green eye. He pulled Louisiana into a tight hug and held his head to his chest so that hopefully his heartbeat would calm the slightly taller state. Mass could feel how much Loui was shaking and he noticed that Loui was still staring at something out the corner of his eye. He looked up and focused his eyes on where Loui seemed to be looking and he jumped a little bit when he saw it too.

There were multiple spirits dressed is 18th century French clothing. Some had bullet wounds, others stab wounds, many with burn wounds, and there were even a few missing their heads. Some were civilians, and others were soldiers. If Mass was guessing correctly, they were probably people/soldiers that died during the French Revolution. He snapped back into reality when he felt Loui’s breathing quicken even more. He hugged the younger closer and ran a gentle hand through the other’s curls.

"Why…." Loui whispered.

"Why what bud?"

"Why did they have to die sha…. Why couldn’t it just have been me instead….? Or at least why couldn’t I have died as well..?" Louisiana said, letting out a near silent sob.

Mass didn’t really know how to answer the Pelican State’s questions, so he settled for just continuing to hug the younger state and running his hand through his hair to calm him down whilst he cried. Mass turned his head slightly when he heard a teleportation ding. He eyes widened slightly in mild concern when he saw that it was Florida holding a bottle of hair spray and a blow torch.

"Hey Loui look what I ha-" Florida started to shout, pausing when he saw Mass holding Loui close and heard the younger’s quiet cries. "Holy sh*t is he okay?? Who did it?? Who do I need to maim?? Who am I gonna turn into a big bag of some good ol’ gator food??"

"Relax Swamp-For-Brains. Nobody did anything to im’. At least nobody that you can do anything to." Mass said. He proceeded to tell Florida what had happened.

"Oh…." Florida sighed. This was far from the first time that something like this had happened, so he knew exactly how to help poor Loui. "Welp sounds like somebody needs some love and cuddles and kisses from Florida-man~" he said, smirking and snorting at the blush that quickly spread across Loui’s face. He walked over to the two smaller and gently took a very flustered Loui from the Bay State’s arms and hugged him close.

"Thanks for takin’ care of him while I was gone Masshole~" Florida said, planting a few kisses on Loui’s neck/ears, making the state in his arms squeak and blush even more.

"Yea yea whateva’ it ain’t a big deal." Mass said quickly. He truly understood how Loui felt, seeing as he often dealt with survivor’s guilt. Though he had been getting better, he still often feels bad that he survived whilst all of those other people died. But a lot of reassurance and plenty of therapy helped him get better and he is now somewhat stable ("somewhat". He and CT are the only ones out of the NE brothers that went to therapy. NJ just thought that it was stupid, and NY had gone through multiple therapists but they all quit cuz THEY needed therapy after just one session with him 😭)…..

Uhhhh @simpyfrog u might enjoy this i think 👉👈

[fannyyann]

Tkachuk feels connection to Jimmy Butler: ‘We both play the game with very high emotion’

Miami Herald article by David Wilson 

Matthew Tkachuk is one of the fiercest, most ferocious competitors in the NHL, so there was some appreciation when he saw the pictures of Jimmy Butler, one of the fiercest competitors in the NBA, wearing his jersey during a workout Thursday in Massachusetts. 

The similarities — not just between the parallel postseason runs of the Florida Panthers and Heat as No. 8 seeds in the Eastern Conference, but also play style and attitudes of their two star forwards — are Tkachuk does feel some level of connection to Butler. 

“We both play the game with very high emotion,” the superstar right wing said before the Panthers faced the Carolina Hurricanes in Game 2 of the Eastern Conference finals Saturday at PNC Arena. 

The pictures of Butler in Tkachuk’s jersey were a hit in Florida’s locker room and Tkachuk, who admits he hasn’t “paid attention too much” to all the specifics of Miami’s season because of how often the team’s games overlap, made sure to watch as much of Game 2 of the NBA’s Eastern Conference finals Friday. 

What he saw was Butler distilled down to his purest form. The 33-year-old forward scored 27 points, grabbed eight rebounds, dished out six assists, nabbed three steals, blocked two shots and got into a forehead-to-forehead shouting match with Celtics forward Grant Williams in the fourth quarter of the Heat’s 111-106 win in Boston.

It all felt pretty similar to what Tkachuk did to the Presidents’ Trophy-winning Bruins last month in the first round of the 2023 Stanley Cup playoffs. The 25-year-old winger had five goals, six assists, four power-play points, 22 shots, a plus-minus of plus-5, 20 hits and two blocked shots, and assisted on the series-winning overtime goal in Game 7 to finish off a historic upset in Boston.

Less than three weeks later, Tkachuk delivered another historic moment in Game 1 of the NHL’s East finals, scoring a game-winning goal to beat the Hurricanes in the sixth longest game in NHL history early Friday in Raleigh, North Carolina, just barely 21 hours before Butler’s show at TD Garden.

“They’re in a very similar spot as us. They’re like the underdogs and going into each series, and kind of just believing in their team. And he’s one of the leaders in that and kind of like the emotional leader,” Tkachuk said. “I love watching him play, especially more being down in Florida, seeing him more than I ever have. I’m very impressed with him. He’s a gamer. He’s pretty dialed in with what he’s done these playoffs. Last night was a big example. That was fun to watch.”

As a child, Tkachuk looked up to NHL stars like Penguins center Sidney Crosby and Rangers left wing Patrick Kane, who was a superstar for the Blackhawks back then, and also Baseball Hall of Fame first baseman David Ortiz because he rooted for the Red Sox. He loved how Ortiz thrived in clutch moments and tries to emulate it. 

He did a pretty good job to kick of the NHL Conference Finals earlier this week. 

“You want to be that guy at big moments,” Tkachuk said. “Jimmy and David Ortiz are two of the best at that. It was cool seeing Jimmy wearing my jersey. The guys got a big kick out of it.”

Tkachuk has one other connection to the Heat-Celtics series: He went to high school outside St. Louis with Boston superstar Jayson Tatum and they still keep in touch. 

The last time they talked, he said, was before Game 7 of Round 1, right before Tkachuk and the Panthers eliminated Boston with Tatum in attendance.

[breakerwhiskey]

011 - ELEVEN

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Transcript under the cut. For more episodes, click here.

[click, static]

Breaker, breaker, this is WAR1974 from I-64.

[click, static]

That’s right. I’ve gone back East. I got a hankering to see the ocean and, well, I can do whatever the hell I want.

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I’ve been up and down the eastern seaboard more times than I can count. If I had a stomping ground, this would be it. At least from Massachusetts to Florida, I never got up to Vermont or Maine much. I did spend a winter in Hastings, New Hampshire once. Tiny town, good place to catch some quiet. But the problem with certain small towns is that being a stranger is the most conspicuous thing you can be. People get curious. Curious people are never very good for business.

Being on the road for the last few weeks, it’s really made me realize how strange it’s been to live in the same place for six years. Same house, same town, same roommate. The last time that was my life, I was fourteen years old. After that, the longest I ever spent anywhere was the four or five months at a time in New York. I guess that was home base as much as anything was, but it never felt like home.

And bumfuck Pennsylvania sure was never home, but you spend six years straight somewhere and it becomes…something. You grow accustomed to things, like the way the morning sounds different in winter than it does in spring, when every goddamn bird in the state elects themselves as your alarm clock. You learn the patterns of the light over the fields behind your house, you know just how to hit the fridge when it starts making that rattling sound. You grow around someone else’s habits, make room for them, no matter how unwilling.

[click, static]

So, let me tell you, it has been pretty nice to just sprawl. The car is an absolute mess and I tried cleaning up the West Virginia house best I could, in case those owners ever do come back, but lord knows I probably left something behind. When I eat my lunch on the side of the road, I put my feet up on the dash and I don’t take my boots off first. The toolbox in my trunk is organized with my flawless system and it has stayed organized, because no one else is going rooting through it, moving things around and messing everything up.

Not that being out here in the great wide world doesn’t come with a price. I’m definitely not sleeping as well as I usually do, what with all the strange sounds. Or, not even strange, it’s not like there’s very much out here, but just…unfamiliar. I have to make every meal myself, which is why I’ve been living mostly on jerky, and I tore my favorite pair of jeans the other day and have always been crap at sewing things up evenly. Not to mention that whole incident with the gas stove the other night.

It’s a small price to pay, though. Freedom shouldn’t come at a cost but…well, I guess that’s sort of how we ended up in this situation in the first place, isn’t it?

[click, static]

[aceontheline]

CaliYork Fic (Pt 14)

York had the two men's attention. Texas and Gov looked on curiously. York knew that he told Gov everything before, but he reiterated everything, including the new information that he indeed kissed Massachusetts. "Excuse me?!" Gov yelled in his typical shocked manner. Texas also looked rather shocked, as if to say "Dude, why?" York fidgeted with his shirt a bit, trying to formulate a sentence that would justify in any way what he had done. It felt like the words were all there, but he couldn't manage to push them through. Texas went up to him and... Hugged him. Texas could get a sense that York was nervous and needed a sense of comfort.

York accepted the hug, albeit with slight hesitation. He slowly raised his arms up to hug the Southern fellow, then pulled him close. To feel this kind of touch from anyone right now was reassuring. York started to softly sob once more, still wordless. Texas got a little bit uncomfy, but still held onto York as he wept. Eventually, York stopped crying and pulled away. "Sorry" York said, his voice a bit hoarse. Texas invited him to sit down instead, as he leaned up against the wall. He asked what York wanted to talk about, in a more gentle tone, almost a fatherly one.

"I don't know why I did what I did. All I know is that I feel awful for it. I've said 'I'm sorry' to Cal like... Dozens of times already-"

"That's just it. You've said 'I'm sorry', but he doesn't see meaning behind it. He still doesn't know why you did what you did and it'll be hard for him to forget. You can forgive, but you'll never forget" Texas said.

"That's true. Also, take this into consideration. It's a quote from 'The Good Place'... 'If he has really changed, that meant he was always capable of change but I wasn’t worth changing for'. So, with that... Mass was capable of change, but-"

"I wasn't worth it...?" York asked in a disappointed tone. Gov and Texas nodded.

"Least not to him, I guess. But York, you're a good guy on your own right. You've proven to be a much better partner to Cali. Focus on that and mending you guys' relationship. Right now though, spend some time alone and think about all this" Texas said in that fatherly tone.

York took the two men's advice to heart, thanking them both before leaving the room. Those words that Gov said, even though they weren't his, rang a lot of truth. York went back to his room alone and laid in his bed, staring up at the ceiling for a while. He sent a text to Cali, basically saying: "You and I both need some time to think about this, so I'll give you your space. Just know I'll be here when you're ready. I know I've got thinking to do"

Cali didn't respond to it, but he read it. York got that and just laid down more, putting some of his music on. A few of the states had walked by and saw York in this state, asking if he was okay. York wouldn't respond to them directly, but they all got a sense that he was a bit worse for wear right now. They never pried anymore past "Are you okay?" York knew they were only asking because he wasn't being his "usual self". Whatever the fuck that meant.

--------------------TIMESKIP: 2 WEEKS LATER--------------------

York had taken to hanging out with Florida and Louisiana if he felt like he needed his mood lifted. They never pried for information about the status on how him and Cali were doing, almost like they just knew. Cali was mainly spending time alone, or hanging out with Nevada. They became friendly during this time and were hanging out pretty much every 2 days or so. But after a while of being separated, Cali felt like he was ready to talk. York was just getting ready to go for a walk, when Cali texted him. "We need to talk" the text read.

York was filled with anxiety, but also a feeling of "things will be okay". York met Cali at the specified destination: The Northeast kitchen. The other states cleared out so these two could have their space, but it didn't mean that they were snooping, especially Massachusetts. York's arms were at his side as he came close to Cali, then backed away. He asked what Cali wanted to talk about, leaning against the wall.

"I've had some time to think about things. Honestly, I am still frustrated at you for kissing Mass, but I just want to know... What made you think it was okay?" Cali asked.

"I didn't. I talked to Gov a few weeks back and he made a good point that I've thought about. If Mass has really changed, that meant he was always capable of change, but I wasn’t worth changing for. It's true though. Mass felt like he didn't want to change for me so he didn't. Once we broke up, he must have changed for someone else. I wasn't worth it, so I don't know why I reacted the way I did. It wasn't okay, for him or you" York replied, sternly.

"... Okay. That's all I wanted to hear. I forgive you" Cali responded.

York smiled wide and hugged Cali super close. The two hugged for a bit and then kissed. Mass came out from behind a door nearby and clapped for the two, giving a thumbs up. Cali and York smiled softly at him. The two men decided to go back to Gov's office and give him a personal "Thank You". They instantly warped in front of Gov, who was drowned in paperwork. York walked behind him and tapped his shoulder. Cali and York stood in front of and behind Gov, as they hugged him. "Thank you" was all they could say.

Gov smiled, accepting the hug. When Texas walked by them, Cali simply nodded his head and mouthed "Thank you". "You're welcome" Texas mouthed, tipping his hat.

York and Cali walked around a bit more until they found themselves outside and at a beautiful scenic walkway. They decided to take it, holding hands and walking together all the way down. Once they reached the end, it was a river and a nice bench they could sit down at. York sat down on the bench, and Cali teased, first sitting on York's lap. York chuckled, blushing a bit.

"Sir, that's my lap you're sitting on" York said, his voice trailing.

"I know. Best seat in the house" Cali replied, winking.

York's face turned an even deeper shade of red, as he looked away from Cali. Cali shook his head and demanded to see York's face, placing his two fingers on York's chin. Cali smiled knowingly as he adjusted himself so he could sit closer and right near York's face. York laughed a bit, then kissed Cali like he thought he wanted. He was correct, as Cali got off his lap and instead went to cuddle with him on the bench. York wrapped his arm around Cali and sighed contently.

A few moments later, the two got up to leave and go back home. They talked more about their relationship and the issue concerning Mass. In fact, York went up to Mass and personally apologized. Mass forgave him, saying that it was "water under the bridge". York asked if they could still be friends. Cali said it was fine, but it was purely up to Mass.

"Yeah man. Just know... I'm dating someone else now" Mass said.

"Oh? Is it who I think it is?" York asked.

"Virginia? Then yeah. It is" Mass replied, sighing happily.

"That's great!" York responded, wishing Mass luck in that future relationship. Mass thanked him and the two separated. York immediately hugged Cali close to him, kissing his cheek. Cali giggled, blushing a little as he asked what that was for. "Showin' you I love you" York replied, kissing Cali once more. Cali pulled York in for a more passionate kiss, before yanking down York's beanie and running away. York teasingly screamed at Cali that he was "Gonna get it!"

The two ran around for quite some time before York tackle-hugged Cali onto his bed. The two were laughing like kids, and continued to do so as York tickled Cali. The two did that for a while, then relaxed and cuddled each other in bed. In between cuddling and kissing each other, they would talk or watch YouTube videos they thought were funny.

Prev ( Here ) ; Next ( Here )

Masterpost ( Here )

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 31, 1995 I just cleaned the stove and the two main computers. Next, I’ll have to do the bathroom and the microwave.

I spoke with Andy. He said he misses making prank phone calls, but wouldn’t dare call the same number twice or say anything too crazy. So, I told him that as long as he dials and lets me just listen, I wouldn’t mind listening in. I did speak a little, but we basically only spoke to each other as if it were a case of crossed lines. Maybe being bad like this will get me a kid since I didn’t have a husband when we did the bulk of our prank calls. Nah - it’s not bad enough. I’d have to deal or do drugs or kill someone.

Andy says he wants to try to go the whole month of January with no pot and that when he’s stoned it blocks him from having any premonitions. Makes sense. On January 15th, though, I’ll ask him if he senses what I do about a kid.

He also told me something else that seems rather unbelievable. Well, he’s got a 160-page journal he was gonna write a letter to Stevie in, but he wants to get her a smaller one. So, in the meantime, he’s gonna write his very first journal, he tells me. And he’s gonna let me read it, too.

Tom’s up now and I wonder if he’s over his cold. More so I wonder - did he ever really have a cold? Or is he saying so to avoid sex? Or play into my head that there’s a third source trying to help stop us from doing things? Did God have anything to do with his cold if that’s what he has to get in our way? Is he saying it to make me feel guilty about smoking? He doesn’t smoke yet he’s had 3-4 colds since we met and has less energy than I do in some ways.

Later…

Right now I am in a very good and positive feeling mood. I don’t know if this means our dreams will come true and I haven’t had any visions yet, but I do have good feelings for one or all of the following months. April, June and September.

It’s already next year in Massachusetts, Connecticut and Florida.

Dad and Mom called me and I also got to talk to Goldie and Al who were there. They also said they spoke with Boo & Max and Charlotte & Jim who are there in Florida too, of course. I asked Dad what was the occasion that made them send another package and his answer was, “Just because you’re you.”

I called Tammy and they were all falling asleep.

I forgot to mention that all her kids are really ugly which is sad. I liked the pose they were in and the way they were set up in the pictures, though.

I also called Larry who appreciated my call and I was amazed to hear that everyone else was asleep.

I made a request to Tom that he did that I really didn’t think he’d do to help me when I’m feeling hopeless. I had him write in the angel journal that he felt 100% sure we could have a family on our own, but that if I wasn’t a mother or at least pregnant by April of ‘97 we’d go to as many doctors as we needed to. I’m really glad he did this and I’ll read that over and over when I’m PMSing or whatever.

In about half an hour I’ll be watching the ball go down in Times Square, even though it’ll be taped. For now, I’ll go get the dishes done, so that and the laundry will be done and out of the way. Till next year!

My Time Has Come - 1981

My time has come. I must say goodbye. My bags are all packed, and I’m ready to cry.

Chorus; And I just wanted to let you know, I’ll miss you all. And I just wanted to let you know, thanks for all your help.

Well, my friend, I know, that even though this place helped, it also hurt, but now I must go

Chorus;

Well, like I said, my time has come I must say goodbye, and walk out the door.

Carry Me Away - 1982

Carry me away Carry me away

I don’t want to live in misery. All I want in life is to be free. Take me to where the sand meets the sea I’m free.

Carry me away Carry me away

I can see the road now, I must travel on. Moving from place to place, never home too long.

Carry me away Carry me away

Someday I know I’ll find it, but it won’t be on the road. I may not be a young girl, but at least I’ll be happy when I’m old.

Carry me away Carry me away

A Light in The Dark - 8/27/91

I see a light in the dark. So trapped, so alone and so dark. Yet there’s a light. A light in the dark. Wishing, wanting, hoping, while trying to remain grateful. Grateful for my beautiful surroundings. Grateful I’m feeling and looking well. Grateful for the many gifts I have, yet it is still dark.

Friends will come and they will go. I’m so cut off, please don’t go! That one very special friend had to go. I’m in the dark now, yet there’s a light. A light in the dark. I still have the same dream, and so it seems, the vision won’t go away. I know I should walk away. I’m in the dark now, yet there’s a light. A light in the dark.

I see a light in the dark. I bide my time, one step at a time. Some things have ended. Will my patience be rewarded? It’s so dark, yet there’s a light. I see a light in the dark. Yes, I see a light in the dark.

Eight Months of Mystery - 10/8/1994

The sun has gone down. Time to call for a cab. She arrives at a place, where she must put on a face. A face they called ‘Mystery’, till the end of the night.

Chorus: Eight months of Mystery, dancing away. To the beat of the drums, she’d pay her way. No need to hang up her dancing shoes yet, she had to get out of debt.

Another costume, another night. It was a fun and adventurous time. But when it became nine months, someone swept her off her feet. Someone most only ever dream to meet. Time to jump into yet another life.

Chorus: Eight months of Mystery, dancing away. To the strum of the guitar, she’d pay her way. Time to hang up her dancing shoes, but only in that way. For the memory of Mystery will always live on.

Never Forget - 4/14/1995

My best friend took a trip back to our home. He took a picture of what we used to call home. Hang onto this he said, remember where we came from. No chance of me forgetting the hell from which I came.

Chorus: It’d be something I’d never forget. Gotta run now, I may never get the chance again. It’d be something I’d never forget. I’m running now as fast as I can.

Remember those cold dark winter nights. Remember the sounds of the sirens and the gunshot blasts all night. Another dealer’s been taken away, but only for today.

Repeat Chorus:

We won’t forget the food stamps, oh no. We won’t forget the poverty and destruction. It’s where we came from, you know. Did you go by your old neighborhood today?

Repeat Chorus

Walk Towards the Light - 9/13/1995

In the middle of the night, the dream came to me. All was silent in the hallways, left to right. The unknown voice began its message. So seemingly scary, so out of place.

Chorus: You’ve done your time here, my dear You must go to your proper place. You’re free to go now and walk towards the light. Walk through the gate and down the tunnel. Walk towards the light. This is what it told me.

Woke up in a sweat, tried to make sense of it all. It wasn’t till I was at the airport that it finally made sense. Stands tall and thin, the symbol of peace, they told me. Unexpectedly came the big change, although something did try to tell me.

Repeat Chorus

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 30, 1995 Tammy wasn't kidding. She really did send us something. I was hoping it'd be a video, but it was a few pictures of the girls and a card. This was still great and Tammy, who still has 3 years to go in medical school, is graduating this semester with honors. I spoke to her afterward and she says she hasn't gotten another package from Mom & Dad. She also hasn't sent Larry the letter I typed up yet cuz things have been hectic.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 29, 1995 I made the spag and had a big serving of it. Not to mention the pizza I also had and granola bars. So much for my diet. And cutting the cigarettes down.

I’m taping what seems to be a very good movie right now.

I just got done listening to music and the movie won’t be over till 4:00.

No calls from Andy or Karson. I thanked Karson for not calling me 3-4 times a day.

I slept forever yesterday, so I’ll probably be up forever today, too.

Boy, if I wanted to or had to for some reason I could really make this journal last a very long time. If I typed it all with small print and printed back to back it could last several months. If I began my first one like that, it probably would’ve lasted over a year. The only way I could ever have a journal last over a year would be if I had been a singer or if I’d had a kid. More so if I’d had a kid.

I’m not bothering to make tapes of Little House on the Prairie cuz I’ve seen every single episode many times. I wish it were 4:00, though. I want to see that movie. I started watching the beginning, then went and listened to music. I don’t like to see the beginning of a movie, skip the middle and then see the end. Or see all of it but the beginning. I hate to even miss the first few minutes. Yes, I know I’ve got the thing taped on the VCR, but I don’t want to watch the end after seeing the beginning only to see the middle of it in the end. I’m just picky about stuff like that, I guess.

I saw Xena. She’s this woman that even Andy says is hot on this warrior princess type of show and that he’d do if he could. I guess there have only been about 3 or 4 women that he’s ever seen that he’d do. Yeah, she is my type, but there’s no real spark. Not yet, anyway. I see what he means, though. She’s tough and muscular, yet pretty and feminine. She has long straight black hair to the middle of her back and blue eyes. She looked slightly chunky, though, even though most of it is muscle.

When I pull my hair straight, it goes an inch above the crack of my ass. That’s the good news. The bad, as I said before, are all these fucking split ends.

I’m gonna try to paint cacti the next time I do a painting. When that’ll be, I don’t know. Whenever I’m in the mood for it, I guess.

I still have to finish my painting of Rose’s, but I don’t know how that’s gonna come out.

I miss swimming. I wish it were really hot. Mid-summer is my favorite time here, except for when we’re out doing errands or appointments. Well, I can’t go swimming now or watch the movie, so I may as well get some more stuff printed out. Got about 7 pages ready to print out.

Later…

Got a surprise package in the mail today from my parents. I sure didn’t expect it and who knows what the occasion is. I told Tom I think it’s cuz I’ve done everything “right” in this marriage as far as they’re concerned. I haven’t gotten into any trouble. I haven’t had a kid. Tom said, “No, they sent it cuz they love you and just cuz you’re you.”

Whatever.

Anyway, they sent me a nice denim jacket which will go great with my denim shorts, skirts and pants. It’s not a jacket like a regular jacket you wear when it’s cold, but one you’d wear in an office or something like that. It sure beats those old wool skirts and jackets we used to wear. It hugs the waistline well making me look thin. I also got a denim pocketbook with belt loops and pockets.

Tom got a huge shirt which I’m wearing right now. It’s gonna be big on him as well as me. Its sleeves and ends go down past my knees and I can pull the hood over down onto my chest.

They sent this really nice white-glazed eagle. It’s very modern-looking and it goes well in here but it’ll really go well when we get that newer, bigger and more modern house.

They sent two candles. One’s in a small red glass holder that I think I remember seeing in her place. The other’s white and looks like a snowball. That was probably intended as a joke on me.

They sent a little flower basket that I hung out on the patio.

Lastly, a music box of a mother dog at one end of a seesaw and two pups at the other end. It goes up and down as the music plays.

I’m gonna be watching TV for a little while, then I’ll type some more in here.

Later…

I decided to tape a couple of movies. That way I can forward through the boring parts.

Mary and Dave should’ve gotten their letter today and I hope they liked it as well as the drawings I did for them.

Tom picked up a piece of cardboard that’s specifically shaped and used for doing artwork of various kinds on shirts. That oughta make the job easier. I have 3 more shirts to do and I have ideas for 2 of them, but that’s it right now. I was thinking of perhaps writing my song titles on one of them, including the year I wrote them.

I just called and left a message on Andy’s machine asking for his opinion as to what he thinks about my writing my song titles on a shirt. I have about 22 of them, I think. I killed the song Without the Joy. I have enough depressing songs from before I came here and I need no more.

Tom still says he’s 100% sure we’re not gonna need a doctor in ‘97. He said if we’ve progressed this far, it’s only logical that we’ll continue to. Yeah, but we haven’t progressed in ways that make him cum and how does he know that he’ll be doing this by then? I still feel that I have to beg for sex, for the most part, it’s just for me for the whole part and when I talk about it he seems to punish me by avoiding sex with me.

Weird.

Anyway, things have been good with us and he checked into the cost of making up mugs with our pictures on them. It’ll cost $60 to have 4 mugs made up, then he has to carve at least two animal plaques, we still need to mail out the computer disks to Tammy’s kids when we get more stamps and get Jenny’s phone certificate.

This weekend we’ll probably go over and discuss using Excel as our long-distance carrier. I don’t see why we wouldn’t, even if it cost the same, but it does cost less. He said cuz she’s my friend, we can at least use it and be one of her customers, even though working for them just isn’t for me.

I wonder why she hasn’t called. She was supposed to call last Tuesday, so I hope she’s OK.

I haven’t checked the latest weather report back east, but I can only imagine how cold it must be. I’m sure they still have snow, too. Ha, ha! They can have it!

Kim must’ve gotten that letter by now where I told her the things I told Bob that were supposed to have really happened. Bob told Kim just about every single thing I told him in a letter to her and asked, “Is that true?” I’m sure he believes it and he’s a very typical male. He’s got no problem hearing about fantasies that include other women, but it would burn him up with sheer jealousy to hear of other guys in the picture.

Well, I guess this is it for this journal. Time for me to go get the other one started, but first I’ve got to type out the cover page. Meaning, my beginning and ending dates, age, and all that shit. Then my entry date page. Lastly, I’ll be binding this thing up into a book.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 28, 1995 Something totally amazing happened earlier. Well, today I’m mid-cycle and I said to myself, I’ll never get him to screw me today. Only use his tongue on me. So, he went down on me first, then after that, I proceeded to get him hard with my hand and he said, “Oh, I thought we were done.” I then told him I wouldn’t do anything to make him uncomfortable and he said it was OK. So, once again I started to harden him up, then he sat up to look at the clock. I told him to just relax and there’d be plenty of time for him to do whatever he needed to do unless he really wasn’t in the mood. He said again that it was OK. So, on I proceeded again and I thought, this guy is so damn scared, I’m never gonna get him hard, but he did get hard enough to get in there. As figured, though, he wasn’t in there too long due to being tired and he seemed to be not one bit into it.

Afterward, I said, “Hope that makes a baby. I have a good positive feeling.” I said this to see if his reaction would be as I thought it would. He said nothing, but he grinned as if to say, “Oh, no it won’t. I’ve seen to that.” Then I told him I was wrong when I thought he’d never screw me due to being mid-cycle. He said he forgot all about it, but that it wouldn’t have made a difference. I doubt he forgot about it and he’s right. It wouldn’t make a difference since he won’t cum. Still, it was shocking just to have gotten him in there which is always fun for me anyway.

I called Karson earlier to let her know that Gloria was to be on the Bravo Awards and she already knew about it. She sang one song that I don’t really like and she looked OK. She’ll never look like she used to, but she must’ve had surgery or something. Maybe it was the clothes she wore that were black. She had a nice chiffon flowing gown on, but she couldn’t really be that thin. Especially since she only had the kid a year ago. I don’t know what she did. Maybe cuz she can afford it she got a personal fitness trainer or something. I know she did that after she broke her back.

Andy and I spoke with Karson last night and maybe we will again tonight.

Tom got Mary and Dave’s letter to print out. They should get their letter tomorrow.

I’m still looking forward to writing journals again. I do love the pretty fonts and how fast the typing goes (when I have a lot to say), but there are annoying things about it. Like when I turn the computer off thinking I’ve said all I want to say. Then remember something else I want to write about and having to fire up this damn thing. Or wanting to type while Tom’s using this computer. Also, there are times when I want to write something personal and don’t want to do so with him walking around whether or not he really does read my journals, which I really doubt.

Later…

I hope I’ll be awake on New Year’s Eve to see the ball go down. Yes, I will be now that I think of it.

Yesterday I blew the patio off and washed it down with the water gun. It’s still pretty filthy, but hopefully, I can keep the birds off of it. I chase them out into the grassy area, then turn around and walk back and they follow me back up to the patio. I’ll just have to keep feeding them on their blocks out in the back of the yard and see if that drives any sense into them.

Karson’s either out of her mind, blind or I’m blind. She told me that during the video of the drag queens that did a video for her while she was 9 months pregnant and also as a tribute to drag queens who did her throughout the country, there was a quick second shot of her wearing blue while she was 9 months pregnant. I went and looked back through the video and I couldn’t find it.

I’ve got to get my lazy ass in gear here and do some dusting and vacuuming.

I realized last night that before they had straightening irons when I was in my teens and used to blow dry my hair straight, I still had split ends big time. Tom said the blow dryer would probably cause much more damage than the straightening iron.

Anyway, he’s gonna trim an inch (I hope) on the first, then a half-inch every 3 months. Meanwhile, I’ll sit and trim off split ends here and there. There are only millions of them! My hair is in so much better condition, though, when I do straighten it. It’s more manageable and much softer. When I leave it curly it feels like straw and is a bitch to brush through.

Here’s Linda now on KHITS singing Heatwave.

I sometimes still find myself wondering, like I am tonight, how some people I used to know are doing. I suppose I might want to puke if I saw Norah M now. She must be in her mid to late 40s and look much worse than Gloria does now. Isn’t it sad to know that we all get ugly (or fat), no matter how we started off looking as we were young?

I wonder why Jenny C isn’t married. She said she considered getting married someday and would like to have two girls. The only thing I can think of is that she didn’t find Mr. Right and I think that’s gonna be a pretty impossible task for her if she’s as picky as I used to know her to be. Always has a problem with people. Within a week or so we’ll be sending her the phone certificate and the letter. Tom said that this weekend he’ll call them to see if he can buy one somewhere so we don’t have to wait for it to arrive here. Meanwhile, I wonder if Jenny’s thinking I’m not gonna bother.

I can’t believe it still hasn’t rained. When will it? Now that I think of it, though, I really think that this has been the easiest winter here for me as far as my asthma and allergies go. It’s now almost hard to believe that I was once as sick as I was with attacks that landed me in the ER and constant colds, flues, sneezing, and wheezing fits. Most of it was nerves and the filth I lived in as well as the humidity. Now, I may have a good 10 days or so per month that it really hurts to know I’ll never have a kid, but I’m no longer a daily bundle of nerves and it’s dry here and much cleaner. The air in the winter, though, is still not too good due to the snowbirds.

Yuck. There’s this song playing now that Andy likes. He would.

It’s a bummer knowing that in just a week and a half or so, I’ll be depressed with PMS. I wish periods were every few months, instead of every month.

What should I do now? I could do up another shirt with drawings, but I don’t feel like doing that or much of anything. I wish I had something I was just dying to do. It’s not that I don’t want to do anything, it’s that I don’t feel like doing what’s available to me.

Again, I know I should be grateful that I never made it as a singer or can have a kid cuz then I know I’d be crying out for these times of leisure.

Later…

Just as I last typed in my last sentence, I remembered today’s a workout day, so I went and did that. I still have to lose a good 2-3 inches before I feel satisfied and before I can fit into most of my clothes.

Now I’m calling the weather line to see if they say anything about rain. Nope. We’re gonna have highs in the 60s and it’s gonna be pretty dry.

Will Tom let me get pregnant in ‘96? Will God? Still have no vibes about it, but only my logic to go on that says no. Between him and God, he doesn’t want to deal with it and I believe they both don’t think I could survive it. Oh well. I can’t change fate any more than the next person can.

Yes, my legs, gut, and arms do feel firmer, but I don’t know if it’s psychological or not. It’s a good feeling and I hope to hell that I can stick to it for once in for all, cuz I really do feel lousy when I don’t exercise. I feel like one big lazy ball of flab.

I think I’ll go make some spag now. Tom would appreciate that I’m sure.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 27, 1995 Journal 104 is done, and that’s got stories in it as well as lyrics. Well, I’ve definitely done enough typing and printing for the day and am getting pretty tired.

I woke up with major gas today and I still have some. I hope it’s not cuz of the milkshakes which are dairy, of course. I really need to lose 6-8 pounds.

I’ve decided that for once and for all I’m gonna trap Tom in his own bullshit. I’m not gonna mention a kid till at least April 1st and I’m gonna do all the little things he says will help him cum. I’ll be fully dressed at all times, I won’t turn the ringer or the fan on too much, and all the other millions of things I need to do that he says he can’t cum cuz of them. My point? To prove he’s full of shit. I’m gonna close in on him, trapping him into a corner with his own shit, and then see what he does. What will his new excuses be then?

Thank God, though, that due to my always being so horny that his tongue has no problem operating cuz he probably won’t screw me till the weekend and there’s no way in hell he will tomorrow. But he’s not a chicken, right? Right!

Now I’m gonna go see if I got any mail on AOL, before eating my chicken pot pie.

Later…

I just asked Tom if I should try quitting smoking now or on New Year’s Day. He said he thinks it’s best to do the things you want to do now, rather than put dates and times on things. Really? Then why hasn’t he done things he said he wanted to do? He said he’s trying. His typical answer.

It’s hard to believe that in just under 4 hours I’ve had only 2 cigarettes, but it’s true. If I’m not doing a good job at quitting, I’m at least doing a good job at stalling them, so far.

Anyway, Tom screwed me earlier and it was great. I don’t feel like a freak, cuz if he wasn’t really close, he did a damn good job at making it look that way. Maybe if he just always acts close, it’ll be OK. It’s when he acts like it’s a chore and he’s not at all into it that makes me feel not too cool about it.

I sang quite a bit today and not too much else. I told myself to do some housecleaning, but I got lazy.

I got a Chanukah card from Bob today. How in the hell can he get ahold of cards in prison? Maybe someone brought them to him or to another inmate and they gave them to him.

Still no call from Kim, so she must be busy. She left me a message while I was drawing up that shirt that she’d be calling Tuesday night, but no call yet. Someone tried calling when we were fucking, so maybe that was her. Whoever it was left no message.

Minnie still hasn’t tried calling back, so who knows what the hell is up with her. Cuz she’s got a kid, who knows when the next time will be that she can call?

After I finish this journal, I’ll have two other blank ones. The cat one Kim sent and the angel one from my parents. I think I’ll do the cat one next. Then, who knows when the next time will be that I type a journal. Watch, though. With my luck as soon as I finish this one, something will happen that’ll take pages to go through and you know how much faster that is to type. I’ll just use the Mystery file for that. I’m only gonna type up my journals in the end anyway. When I’m typing a journal and when I hit a part that’s typed up in the Mystery file, I just zap it on over and copy it in. It doesn’t fuck up documents that are of standard size. Anyway, the reason why I type up stuff when I’ve got lots of stuff to say is cuz that way I’m less likely to forget stuff. My fingers at the keyboard have an easier time keeping up with my thoughts than my fingers do holding a pen.

Later…

I was telling Tom that a part of me wished he would come out and say he was really holding back all this time and the reason why he did was cuz he had plans to cum during a certain time frame, cuz then I’d at least have a little bit of hope. Tom said he knew I wanted that. Well, I don’t want it if it’s true and he’s lying about it and that’s just what he’s doing. Even if he was cumming, it still seems hard to believe I could get pregnant. You’re only fertile 24 hours a month and it’s hard to hit it just right, even if you count. Tom told me last March or so that if it got to be April or May and I wasn’t pregnant, we could count, but that’s just another thing he said that he didn’t mean. I’m still gonna do my experiment to prove all the more that I know he’s full of shit starting New Year’s Day. This way I’ll remember how long it’s been easier.

Last New Year’s Eve, right as the ball was dropping, I knew instantly that I wouldn’t be pregnant in 1995. I wonder if I’ll get a reading on that right before or as the ball drops. If I do, I know what it’ll be. I know I’ll be getting January’s period and February’s and even March’s. At the same time, I can see that I’ll never have a kid, I see more strongly and surely a few months at a time. On New Year’s Eve, I’ll still write whatever I see or feel anyway.

When will the house sell next door? I’m just thoroughly amazed at the fact that it’s been vacant since September 1st. Boy, am I gonna be compensated with sheer hell for all this peace I’ve had over the last 4 months. The for-sale sign’s been gone, but no one’s moved in, so who the hell knows the scoop on the damn thing.

There’s nothing good on TV tonight, so I’m not sure what else I’ll be doing.

I heard something pretty funny on KHITS the other night. A DJ said that it was to be rather cold at night, so people might want to consider bringing their animals inside. Not a chance! This is Phoenix and if there’s one thing I can say that’s better with the dog situation in Massachusetts it’s that most dogs only go out just to go to the bathroom. Not here. Although there are fewer stray dogs here.

At least any dogs I do hear are off in the distance. For now. That won’t be the case whenever the house next door sells.

Wendy called with a computer question, but Tom crashed about 10 minutes before she called. She and I chatted about what we got for Christmas and for Chanukah in my case, too.

I know what I can go do now. Start decorating an envelope for Mary. I told Ma that it was her turn to be surprised with a letter and drawings and Ma said she’d love it.

Later…

What in the hell is going on? I just did Mary and Dave’s letter in the AndLar file and it wouldn’t print. Then, I transferred it to the KimBob file and it still wouldn’t print, so I left Tom a note about it.

Anyway, I did two drawings on the front of Mary and Dave’s envelope and now there are 3 others I’m gonna do on the back of it.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 26, 1995 Today I’m starting my diet. I was gonna wait till the first of the year, but I have Slim-Fast here and already started back up with the exercising two days ago. I’ve never been more determined and anxious to get back into shape than now. I really feel that I look the worst I’ve ever been since 1988. Maybe I’m not as big in certain ways, but I feel like I’ve turned to nothing but flab. My upper body muscles still aren’t too bad, but my lower stomach and legs look terrible. My lower gut looks either 4 months pregnant or like I dropped a kid a year ago.

I just talked to Tammy who says she’s going to the post office tomorrow to mail out a present to us. She said it was delayed cuz the snow delayed the postal services there. Yeah, I believe that one for sure.

Last night, if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear I was due for my period within a day or so. I was so bloated, my tits are sore and I was rather depressed again.

I made a deal last night with Tom which neither of us spoke of bluntly, but it was the kind of thing where we didn’t need to and that we both understood.

First, though, I got two confessions out of him the other day. I commented, “Cuz my pussy’s small, so if you came it’d leak out of me.”

He said, “That’s right,” going to prove once again that I was right about the fact that he never did cum last winter.

Yesterday I said he makes all the major decisions and more and he said, “Yup. Somebody’s got to make them.” Now I don’t know if he was trying to turn that one into a joke, but I’m not stupid. He did make major decisions and more. He decided we won’t be having a kid and he decided to never look for information on Robin, even though he said differently.

I told him the other day that by the time he did look for Robin if he ever did, she really would be dead for sure if there’s a slight chance at all that she’s alive.

Anyway, our deal was basically that he forbids me to have a child and whatever else. Meanwhile, he takes care of me. If I don’t ever want to work, I don’t. I can stay home and bum around and do my hobbies and he provides me with a home, medical insurance, food, cigarettes, journals, etc.

He got a raise and now he’s at $8.40 an hour and won’t get another raise until October. This isn’t enough for us and he says he’s gonna look for a new job to replace this one. I know him, though. He’ll take forever to look for that new job. I know it won’t be easy for him due to his working weekdays, but if I can’t have a kid, I want money!

I agree with him when he said I may say mean things to the child, but I don’t agree with him when he says I can still have a kid with asthma, sleep schedule and ADD. However, this has all got me thinking if I really want to have a child with him for other reasons that are ruining our marriage in general or stealing our time, lives, money and sanity. If he can make false promises to me, then he can do so to a kid. If he won’t put shit back in place, why would the kid? Not only do I have to think if I’d be a good mother, but if he’d be a good father. Overall, I believe he’d be a better father than most, but there are still faults he has as well as I have cuz no one’s perfect. Well, I’ll never have to worry about either of us doing wrong to a child we’ll never have.

I still feel that yes, I’m doing better at accepting never having a kid, looking at the bright side of not having a kid, etc., but I wonder how much longer will this go on before I’m completely over it. Will every single journal that I write for the rest of my life be filled with me wanting a kid here and there, but bitching about how I can’t cuz he’s lied and is playing with my head and how I’m angry at him and God, etc.?

Later…

Ma told me an interesting story when we were sitting out in Mary’s backyard yesterday. A guy killed his wife 2 houses down and buried her in the backyard. Then a pool was built over it. The murderer had kids as they all seem to. A daughter who was 5 at the time it happened ratted on Daddy over 20 years later. They dug up the area and found the body, then Daddy actually got sent to jail for life.

I’m getting hungry, so I better go make me a shake.

Later…

I look around me and I wonder just how it is that I could feel so cheated by God and Tom. Look at all the wonderful things I’m blessed with and all the freedom I have. I can do what I want when I want for the most part. I really do believe that most women would kill to be in my shoes. I know my sister would.

Anyway, as I figured, Alex hasn’t been able to find anything out about Robin. I’m sure he wishes he could, but he doesn’t have the knowledge of computers that Tom has. He has way, way more than me, but still not enough to get any significant information, I don’t think, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

I wonder if Tom has any book about AOL and CompuServe that may explain a little more about how it works. I feel like when I go in there (other than to get my mail or check the weather) that I’m stumbling around blind.

No sex for me till the weekend, although Tom says that’s not necessarily so. He’s due for his “tired” streak. Either that or he won’t have time or feel well enough. Maybe I can get oral sex, but he probably won’t stick it in there and he definitely won’t on Thursday. That’s when I’m mid-cycle. He knows cuz I wrote it on the calendar to help remind myself to start taking my vitamin E at that time.

I’m trying for another CD from Time-Life cuz there are some oldies on it I like. It’s from 1961, but if they mess up for the third time, then they have really got to be stupid. Really stupid!

Last night I finally finished reading all of Bob’s fantasy letters to Kim and boy, was there some really gross, yet ridiculously funny shit in there. There was this part where he says Kim dug her nails into Bob’s ass so hard that he bled and she ripped her nails off. Then she went and took a pair of tweezers to pick her nails out of Bob’s ass.

Sick!

Then he has this girl added to their little get-togethers and her pussy bleeds from so much sex.

Gross!

I guess he’s got a real fetish for blood, pee, puke, and passing out. There’s this part where he fantasizes that he and she have this house and while they’re out in the backyard she pisses, then does the same thing in bed. Another gross thing is how he puts fish halfway inside her and how they wiggle around while half stuck in there. Disgusting! Their other female friend did something amazing. Bob stuck a fish in her while she was asleep, filmed it, then she woke up and came instantly, popping the fish out a good 8 inches or so.

Yuck!

MONDAY, DECEMBER 25, 1995 I sure do have a lot to tell at this time. To be honest, the Christmas presents I got weren’t too impressive for the most part, but here’s a list of what we got, he got and I got, nonetheless. We got these Jenga blocks. You set them up and take blocks from below the stack and pile them up till it topples over. We also got two new pool noodles. Nice colors, too. Pink and light blue. We got a picture of a waterfall in a wooded area. We got a plant and a bathtub mat in the shape of a foot. He got a work light and a T-shirt. I got a needlepoint kit and a manicure set.

We all also got our traditional $50 bills. I’ll be using my $50 bucks for mugs with our pictures on them for Tammy, Bill and my parents and Jenny’s phone certificate.

Mary & Dave’s hamster was cute, but so small compared to piggy. His cage is neat, though, with lots of different colored tubes and wheels.

Jackie and Cindy didn’t show up but the following people were there. Mom & Dad, David, Evie, Nickolena, Pam, Jennifer, Ryan, Nora and Ray. Tom was right when he said that Nickolena was kind of laid back while Jennifer was totally out of control. Made me grateful, once again, how I can never have a kid, even though I still do want one here and there.

We screwed for the second time since I last got so fed up with Tom and his lies about it. All was fine, but I’m back to feeling like a freak about it. Will I ever live to see the day when Tom comes out and tells me the truth behind his not cumming? How can anyone want to wait 16 more months to get help with a problem that’s existed for so long? Despite his fears of me getting pregnant, how can he be happy by always getting his own self off? I know he’s got to be relieving himself in the bathroom and in bed when I’m not in there.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but they gave Tom a raise. It sucks, though, cuz he’s only getting $8.40 an hour and he won’t get another raise until next October. So, he’s gonna look for a new job to replace this one. When he’ll do this, beats me, since he’s a procrastinator with no plans to have a kid. This job is probably a great excuse for him to make sure I don’t get pregnant, even though he says it’d be no problem since he’d just find a better job. Like someone as smart as he is would get me pregnant before finding this better job? I don’t think so!

Now that the holidays are over and we’re going to start improving financially, he’ll have to come up with new excuses for why he can’t cum. As I knew real damn good and well, my staying fully dressed and our changing our angle for screwing, hasn’t made one damn bit of difference. Still, he lies and says it’ll change and refuses to get help. I told him again that I’m sick of being powerless, I want us to get help and am sick of feeling the way I feel about things on and off and he just said I had to live through it. Gee, thanks! In other words, I just have to live through and accept the fact that he’s full of shit, is gonna do what he wants to do (not cum and have a kid) and to hell with what I want while he tells me he cares and understands and wants to see me happy.

Believe it or not, the calm, serious guy did something quite funny that I think I may have forgotten to write about. When he bought the Chanukah candles he tried reading the Hebrew prayer that was written out in English and God, was it sooo funny! Reminds me of when Andy was trying to sing in Spanish.

Last night I drew flowers, birds and other things on a white T-shirt with those pastel dye sticks from my parents. It was very hard to do, but it looks so cool and I’d love to do some for my Mom, Tammy, Tammy’s kids and Jenny. Also for members of Tom’s family. Tom loved the shirt which I wore to Mary and Dave’s house and he and others thought it looked so professional. Mom and Dad loved their painting, too.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 24, 1995 Tom just called from Mary’s house as I got ready to update this journal. He installed a new drive on her computer and he’ll be home in an hour.

I left Andy and Kim messages since I won’t be talking to them for a couple of days. I also left my parents a message and let them know how much I love the pastel dye sticks they sent as part of my Chanukah gift. It’s so cool, too. It’s not easy drawing on a T-shirt or with a crayon-like stick, but I did one shirt so far with flowers, birds, etc. I think Tom will really like it when he gets home.

It’s really neat how much Tom believes in my artwork and brought it into a whole new light by carving my drawings into wood. He’s really good at it, too. He did some of my elephants, camels, flowers, and cactuses and I hope those we give them to will like them. I’d love to do some for us as well as my family. I’d love to send them some shirts with drawings, too.

I haven’t updated since mid-Fri., I believe, so let me begin from there. I got a package from Kim with the videotape and some brochures all about Excel. It is definitely not for me. It’s totally her, though, and we may at least use Excel as our carrier and be her customers. Guess what else she sent, though? A very nice journal that I almost bought once with silver cat face indentations and paws along the binder. A tie-dye T-shirt and a cat calendar. The cat calendar is gorgeous. They’re pictures of cats. A new one for each day. They’re of people’s cats from several different states, including Arizona, Massachusetts, Connecticut, and even Germany, Australia, and Italy. At the end of 1996, I might cut them out to decorate journal covers or envelopes.

Yesterday was fun, yet boring. Tom and I took his folks to Turf Paradise to see the horse races, but it was a simulcast from California. Tom and Dad were really into it, but Ma and I were bored, so we went to a nearby swap meet where I got Gardenia perfume body spray and these really gorgeous, multi-colored salt and pepper shakers in the shapes of cactuses. It’s just like my figurine cactus, but these make mine look sick. Anyway, the place was cold, loud, crowded and boring and I swear I’ll never go back again.

Today I did stuff like laundry and I colored in the plaques as well as drew up a shirt. Tom and I still have to put a coat of clear spray paint on the plaques to protect the water-based markers from running. Then wrap everything and put my drawings on them along with their to/from labels.

Yesterday morning, nympho me couldn’t resist his sexual advances and we ended up screwing, but I loved every second of it. My head said not to bother getting caught up in his games and lies again and just take care of myself, but my body cried out - yes! Give it to me! Last night he ate me out, but I think he may be on one of his streaks now where he has no desire. We’re awfully busy, though, so maybe after the Christmas party tomorrow that’ll be at Mary and Dave’s house.

I said something like, “You can get hard, but you can’t cum,” the other day and his reply was, “It used to be that way, but it won’t be anymore.”

Right! Uh-huh. Still, I enjoy our sex when we get around to doing it and that’s a fact and that’s just that!

I guess I’m pretty much caught up here and the next time I write or type, in this case, will probably be tomorrow after the party, or Tuesday.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 22, 1995 Boy, this journal’s going slow, huh? I now realize that I have mixed emotions about typing up journals. I especially love it if I’ve got lots to say and I love the different fonts, but it goes too fast sometimes. Especially since nothing ever really changes around here as it hasn’t in the last year or so. If I was really busy or had things changing all the time, then this would be good.

Anyway, I spoke to Kim last night and according to her, I should get the Bob letters she’s sent and a package from her today. She mailed us a tape about Excel and a brochure as well as a Hanukah present she said she through in.

Yesterday I began doing some drawings on continuous computer paper to use to wrap the Christmas presents for his family. He carved some of my drawings into wood and it looks really cool. Later I’ll color them in.

He got Chanukah candles and reminded me to light them the other night and tried to read the Hebrew prayer that was written out in English on the back of the box of candles. Oh, it was so funny! Reminds me of when Andy was trying to sing in Spanish.

I talked to Tammy and my parents and Tammy has a foot and a half of snow. Last night when I talked to Kim, they got more snow there and she says there’s about 28”!

I asked Tom last night, “If sex is so non-physical and so psychological for you, then why does it matter what I’m wearing?” He said it’s psychological to him. I guess he means in the way that it makes me feel better when I’m all dressed up, rather than dressed bummy.

Last night he told me he was lonely, but could deal with it. Yeah, I believe that one, alright. Since I’ve put the stop to sex, he’s never seemed happier. I wish I were like him. Instead, I find myself wishing we could be compatible sexually, but I know better. He said maybe we could find some way to compromise where I wouldn’t feel like a freak who isn’t doing her job right while we let things progress at their own natural rate. The only thing that’s progressed is me. First we got him inside there, then I moved on to be able to do different positions. He’ll never change and if he’s hoping for sex, it’s just so he can go back to playing the usual game that he’s been playing over the last 2 years. I just don’t fancy the idea of having sex anymore when the other person just isn’t into it, it’s a chore for them, and they’re only doing it to please me.

Yesterday I told Andy a funny story. He said he wished he had a speakerphone so Michelle could hear this. I can’t believe I’ve never told him this. I thought I did. I’m sure I must’ve written about it. Anyway, it was late 1987 or early 1988 when I called Tammy’s and got a snotty woman talking in an accent I could barely understand. I didn’t know it was Tammy’s mother-in-law and that she was from Israel. I said I was Jodi and asked for Tammy, but the snotty woman rambled on saying shit I couldn’t understand, so I told her to go fuck herself and hung up, sure that I had the wrong number. Not so. About two hours later, Tammy called screaming at me - how could you do this to us?! Do what? I was thoroughly confused, then she told me. Oops.

I hear the pigeons out there now.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 20, 1995 Since I last wrote things have been great. It’s cuz we didn’t talk about sex or a kid. Cutting sex out is the only way to bring about peace around here, as I said before. Besides, why should I do shit to “help” him when he won’t do what I asked him to do. I asked him to at least pretend he was into it and that he came every now and then and he couldn’t even do that.

Got another 70s CD in the mail yesterday and holiday cards from Kim and Andy.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 19, 1995 Oh, I am so fucking pissed, depressed and frustrated I could puke!! What is it going to take to change things around here? Well, obviously the answer’s nothing as I’ve been saying for two years now. Over the weekend Tom “forgot” to make time for us to have sex.

Anyway, I felt like shit yesterday and was tight and congested. When he came home he got tensed out cuz I had made a fuss about making a Doctor’s appointment to see if I needed antibiotics and all I was doing was expressing my concern about the money and the time off of work. Tom insisted it was no big deal if I had to go. Today I feel fine, though, so I’m just gonna wait and see. Meanwhile, after this, he asked me what he could do for me. He said he could either go get Piggy’s sawdust to change his cage, whack my back or screw me. I told him, as he was taking the trash out, that I’d like my back whacked, then for us to screw.

Till this time I had been fully dressed as that’s one of the many things he added to his list of stuff that may help him. Then, knowing he’d be coming into bed with me, I got naked and jumped into bed. Then he returned saying he was gonna go out and move stuff around in the garage to release steam and clear his mind. That’s when I said - fuck this shit! He said he’d take care of me, but now he has to go to the garage and do work. He has to unwind and “psych” himself up to be with me and make me feel like I’m a chore in bed. I just don’t have it naturally? He can’t release his steam by screwing? That’s physical. Then he tells me that sex is a mental thing with him and that the physical part to him is pretty much nothing. Oh. I should’ve known better. If I’ve said this a thousand times and didn’t mean it; I’m saying it once now and meaning it completely. Our sex life is over! Two years of this shit has finally taken its toll on me, this was the final straw and I’ve had it! I’ve absolutely had it! I’m so fucking sick and tired of this man’s fucking bullshit and sexual weirdness and sexual games! I will not allow myself to put up with it ever again! No more! Who the hell am I to not respect myself enough to say no to it and who the hell is he to play with my head sexually, make me feel like the sexual misfit he is and lie to me about having a kid?! Well, I won’t stand for it anymore. If I haven’t got it sexually as far as he’s concerned, then I never will. It’s been two fucking years now and I’m not gonna play games and live fairytales with someone I’m not sexually compatible with and who’s not sexually compatible with me. The thought of him touching me makes me want to puke and totally turns me off more than it ever has before in my life.

I don’t want to leave him and I still love him, but I’d be lying if I said that if a gorgeous woman hit on me I’d say no. Oh, how I wish we could just keep the relationship part of it and have him see other women for sex and me see women for sex, but as I know damn good and well, I’m attracted to straight women. Gay women never have and never will cut it for me and if they ever have, they’re not interested in me or are taken. I asked him again if he was gay and he still swears he isn’t, but what the fuck am I supposed to think? If it isn’t fear of making a kid and if it isn’t me, then what the fuck is it?! The guy will never change and I’ll no longer be a sucker and set myself up to fall. And to be manipulated, lied to and played with. Why? Why is he doing this to me?! Can I ever be good enough for this man? I’ll tell you one thing for sure; I’m fucking sick and tired of others lying to me about and interfering with my dreams and goals. I wanted to be a singer and Scott and others took that away from me. I wanted a kid and Tom’s taken that dream away from me. I can continue on and on with countless people who took things from me and who got in the way of my dreams and goals, but that’d take 20 journals up.

Then he goes on to say that it wasn’t my fault, he accepts me for the way I am and he shouldn’t have gotten upset about the doctor’s appointment. Oh, like this would make me feel any more comfortable with the idea of being pregnant and having all the appointments it’d take for that. I’ve come to realize that he’s weaker and more scared than I am. He could never deal with these appointments let alone the rest of it any more than I could.

Then he says that I forgot something that he told me would help him and that I could take or leave. He said I wasn’t dressed. I reminded him that yes I was dressed till I got into bed thinking he was gonna join me after he put the trash out.

Then he goes, “But I remember you lifting up your shirt.”

I said, “So, I can’t even flash you?”

He then said it’d be best if I were dressed all the time that we were around each other unless in bed. Fuck this asshole. He never seemed to mind in the past when I’d flash him. I can’t even flash my own husband, he doesn’t like lingerie, in bed he can’t see me cuz it’s dark, so he either doesn’t like my body or he doesn’t like women.

Then what was I in for? A new thing that may help him. He said he can’t get into sex with me cuz he can’t initiate it in the way he’d like to and I guess that’s less verbal. He said most couples can communicate without words and just know when the other one wants to screw. Perhaps I can tell at times when he isn’t in the mood, but since when did he ever think I was that psychic? So, I asked him, “If I thought you were in the mood, what do I do? Go up and lead you to the bed?” He said that isn’t how it works. Well, then how does it work? Most couples seem to have no problem. Then he tells me that most people start off by screwing and that since we couldn’t, he associates sex with me as oral sex and not that. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, right! How the hell can he tell me he looks forward and wants to move forward when he’s looking in the past? He can’t get into me cuz we didn’t start off by screwing? He can’t get into me cuz I can’t always read his mind? What the fuck is it with this guy? When is it ever gonna end? Didn’t I tell you there’d always be new things that needed to be done to help him sexually? Well, as I said, if I haven’t managed to fulfill him sexually yet, I never will and he doesn’t want me to.

I asked him why it takes so long to tell me these new things that he claims will help him and why he’s always got a problem or an excuse. He says the excuses are all in my head. They are? Could’ve fooled me. Then he says that sometimes he doesn’t always realize what I could do to help him.

Oh. Right.

I told him last night that I’d no longer tolerate his games and lies and that in order to bring peace into this house and end the constant confusion and arguing, sex was over. Right away he said he disagreed that that’d help us and that he isn’t giving up. Well, if he’s gonna continue living a lie and playing games and isn’t giving up, then he’s gonna be fucking me in his mind, cuz I ain’t touching him and he ain’t touching me for real. Of course, he’ll try to immediately talk me into having sex again and not giving up. If I give up, he can’t play his game. Well, for once I’m thinking of myself and am gonna do for me. Yes, that includes asking the doctor about that injection whenever I do see him. It’s time to take care of my needs. Not his needs which are bullshit excuses to escape the truth.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 18, 1995 Been way too busy to write, but now I can and I sure have a lot to update on. The only bad news is that I’ve been pretty tight and congested. This time of year is always rough on me. I need a round of antibiotics, but the bitch of it is that I can’t call in a prescription. I have to be seen by the doctor.

To begin updating from where I left off would be Saturday. It still hasn’t rained like they were saying it would that day so we had the tag sale that day and raked in 60. We ended up selling stuff we didn’t think we would sell. One woman came and took the couch that Scott gave me on Bell Rd. and we weren’t even planning on trying to sell that.

I met the lady who lives behind us. She and her retired husband live there.

Larry called me that day saying he had a present for me. He told me that since he’s been back in my life, he’s been filling Jenny C in on how my life’s been and she wants to resume our friendship. This is the one that I was friends with from age 9 to 22. She’s a year older than me. In fact, her birthday is on Christmas. Then, we ended up in court cuz I pranked her over the phone, but the courts never did anything. This, I know, really pissed her off.

I thought she and Larry spoke nearly every day, but Larry says they only speak once a month.

Anyway, he said he was doing this for me. I told him he didn’t have to, but thanks anyway. He suggested I send a letter with a long-distance gift certificate for $5 to make her feel more comfortable about calling me and just take it slow and see what happens. He says she doesn’t want to rehash the past any more than I do and is impressed with how my life’s been since I’ve been in contact with Larry.

The phone certificate is something I agreed to, but it’s weird. Why does she need that to make her more comfortable? If she isn’t comfortable without it, then maybe she shouldn’t call. That’s up to her. Meanwhile, I guess I am ready to accept any calls or letters from her, but I’m wary about it. The big question is why? Why not find some new impressive friend to be friends with? Why someone she swore she’d never associate with, insisted was never a true friend, and who lives 3,000 miles away? I don’t see how they’d be up to some no-good idea to gang up on me in any kind of a way, cuz they’re the type to just dump someone, not fuck them over. Plus, I know they know that’d be awfully hard to do with me so far away and that I wouldn’t stand for it if I were still living there.

I can promise this much and they know it. That is that if there are any problems or bullshit whatsoever - I’m gone. You know how I feel about friend sharing.

Only time will tell why she wants to resume this friendship. Especially with me so far away. I must admit, though, that at this point I’m doing this cuz Larry and Jenny want this. I used to be anyone’s friend just about, but now I’m not at all easily impressed by anyone so she as well as anyone else has to really prove themselves to me and give me a damn good reason for why I should be their friend.

At least they can’t hurt me in any way. All they can do is dump me or get dumped by me cuz of something one of us says. I know I’ll have to really watch what I say to Jenny since it’ll all get back to Larry no doubt. If she and Larry lived out here that wouldn’t go over well with me. Having to watch what I say, I mean, and I could never be her friend cuz we’re just too different. Jenny’s the kind that likes to party and I’m the kind that’s a homebody. She’s also pretty selfish, too. If we went to see 6 movies, for example, we’ve always got to see what she wants to see. Not be fair and split it up and see 3 she wants to see and 3 that I want to see. Larry did say that he realized everything wasn’t my fault and that he thinks it was all those drugs I was on years ago, but there are still a couple of things that bother me. I still feel that he doesn’t believe or realize that Jenny did things to me as well. Also, why is it that I have a feeling there’s a little bit of Mom in him? Meaning if I did something wrong to her, he’ll side with her whether I’m guilty or innocent and if she did something wrong to me, he’d brush it off like it was no big deal or pin it on me. Like I said, if one pits the other against me, all I have to do is dump them both. Only time will tell why she wants to be my friend. She tried being my friend two years ago, too.

Chanukah began last night and Tammy called. She asked why I got more stuff than she did and if Mom and Dad liked me better, but then why did her dog get bones while my pig got nothing?

Later…

I just talked to Tammy a little while ago and told her about the idea of Jenny being friendly with me again and she didn’t see any harm in it, either. She asked me if I saw her and Larry intimately. No, but he was with my first roommate Michelle and has admitted to having numerous affairs.

Since she can’t write too well, I helped her out a bit. I typed a letter to Larry and Sandy for her with her giving me the basic idea of what she wanted to say. She wants their relationship to be closer and to know if there’s anything that they’re upset with her about and to talk to Sandy which she hasn’t done yet. I’ll be sending her the letter to send to them cuz if I sent it, they’d see it was postmarked Phoenix.

She says they’re in for a serious blizzard and that she’s not sending them to school tomorrow. She says her dog can’t go out and piss too well cuz there’s so much snow out there. Ha, ha, ha!!!

A couple of nights ago I was talking to Chris. That’s Andy’s gay friend. He said he loved the edits and was cracking up over them. He and Michelle were mocking them and he says he wants to buy copies, so we’ll see.

Tom said he wanted sex this morning, but I guess he forgot to initiate it. No. I think I said something to turn him off as usual. He said we could do it this afternoon, but I’m getting too tired, so it’ll have to wait.

Yesterday I grouped and neatened stuff up in the back room and made major floor space clear. I know him, though, he’ll just re-trash it.

Overall, the weekend was productive, fun, and there were no problems. Since getting my period, I feel much better as usual. Back to feeling - I’d like a kid, but I can’t have one, so, fine. I wish I felt this way every day. Just think how much easier it’d make my life.

Anyway, my current feeling about Jenny is that she’s all talk and really doesn’t ever intend to call or write, but like I said, time will tell.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 15, 1995 I’ve been very angry and depressed tonight. I know most of it’s due to my period and periods do play on your emotions. I’m sure I’ll feel much happier and carefree in a day or two for a couple of weeks unless reality hits me anytime in between then.

Before I get to my good news, let me bitch some more. Yes, I know bitching ain’t gonna change things and no matter what I say or do and no matter what my beliefs or attitude is, I can’t have what I want, but bitching helps to a degree. I still say the same old thing, I know, but still, what is it with Tom? What is it with God? Why are they doing this to me? Does God have some other reason for not allowing me a child that I don’t know about? Why is he so unfair? Why again, must he give plenty of 15-year-old kids, but not this 30-year-old? What did I do? Is it cuz I slept with women? Is it cuz I tried taking my life years ago? Just what is it? Is it cuz it would kill me for sure? Can I not be able to handle it for sure? Would it cause me to lose Tom? What is it? Am I just plain old not good enough? If I’m not good enough, then why are those on drugs who beat or molest or kill their children good enough?

Nothing I’ve done will get Tom to cum, so will he ever tell me he doesn’t really want a child or will he ever really go to the doctor with me in ‘97? He says that in his mind a doctor in ‘97 doesn’t exist. What’s he gonna have on his mind when ‘97 comes? How is he gonna admit we need a doctor if he doesn’t admit he doesn’t want one? How will he accept this? How can he believe something’s possible when it hasn’t been shown to be possible for two years unless he really is hiding something? How can I ignore what my gut tells me about him and those that say to follow your gut cuz they say your gut instinct is pretty accurate?

How can I ever bring myself to pray to a God that’s so unfair? That lets murderers go free and home to the kids that they can have. How will I ever get over not having a kid like I have with never having the ideal woman? How much longer will it take? I’m getting better, but it still seems like somewhat of a slow process that’s gonna take forever.

Is this possible business opportunity with Excel a sign that I’m meant to be a career woman and not a mother? Why must there always be some impossible dream that I dream of? Why must I always want stuff I can’t have? Why can’t I just accept and be happy with the way things are? Why can’t I be one of those who wouldn’t want to change a thing about their lives? Why must I always have some freakish abnormal situation going on with me or someone I’m closely connected with? Why can’t I just have a normal sex life? Why is that my sex life seems cursed? First it’s not getting anyone I’m attracted to and now this. Why? Dear God, why can’t you just let my sex life be normal and complete? Why won’t you help us? Is it that Tom doesn’t want to be helped cuz he doesn’t want a kid? But you’ve given countless people children who didn’t want them, so why? Why not us?

I know that if I never said a word about a kid to Tom, quit smoking, and all kinds of other wonderful things he still will never allow us a child. Why won’t he say what’s truly on his mind? Even though it’d hurt like hell, at least that would help to finalize it.

I used to wonder if my being blessed with gifts and abilities is why I’ve been compensated for not being able to have a child, but now I don’t know. Not when I see people like Gloria who have it all. Fame, fortune, love, and two kids.

Where did I go wrong in this matter? What did I do wrong? Is there really anything I can do to fix this situation? Am I really being selfish and spoiled by asking for a child?

Tom knows I’ll be mid-cycle on the 28th and I can guarantee you he’ll be exhausted or busy that day or will just lick my pussy only. Why? He should know that I can’t get pregnant if he won’t cum.

OK, enough bitching about a situation that’ll never change.

My parents sent us a package today with Tom’s presents wrapped in Christmas paper and mine wrapped in Chanukah paper.

He got a sweatshirt with flags of all 50 states and an NBA T-shirt. Also 3 round dials on a wooden plaque for reading the temperature, the barometer, and the humidity. This, he really loved. He loves these kinds of things, he said.

I got a really nice denim skirt and two half-shirts that are totally me. One’s pink and one’s bright green. Boy, have they improved when it comes to buying clothes for me! Believe it or not, the skirt is actually a bit big on me, but it won’t be after I wash it. I like these kinds of outfits as well as really sexy or slutty outfits, cuz it’s casual and comfy, yet feminine.

I got a curling iron that’s smaller for making smaller curls. I wondered why they sent that to me when I have naturally curly hair, but I had fun with it anyway. I had my hair straightened, then I just curled the ends. After I washed and straightened it, I curled the whole thing which took over an hour. I couldn’t roll the whole length of the piece of hair as it’s way too long. Instead, I curled what I could, then kept working up the piece of hair. So, I rolled each piece of hair about 6 different times. It’s only a little curlier than my own hair. It looks more like it did when I was 24 when it was only to my bra strap as the shorter my hair, the curlier. This long, though, the weight of the length pulls it out a bit, cuz it covers all of my back (not quite all of my butt yet, though!). While I watch TV, I try to snip off split ends one at a time, so as not to have to hack off the 8 or so inches it’d need to salvage it and that’d put it all the way up to my middle back.

Got a bird feeder similar to one they sent me last year. It’s small and made for small birds, but I’ll bet the pigeons will be stupid enough to try to stand on it.

Got a hand-held mirror with plastic brush bristles on the back of it. It’s got a floral fabric edged with lace around it and Tom said it looks like something his Mom would make. True. I also got a matching picture frame and there was a picture of Dad in it in their store.

They sent about 12 pictures of their store. They sure have lots of flags. Speaking of flags, they sent that musical one I said I loved.

They sent me a purple and blue drink cooler. The kind you can take to the pool or on a bike.

Three turtles on top of each other made out of shells. An alligator pin, necklace, and earrings. Two needlepoint things. One of a musical note and one of a southwestern design.

Finally, pastels for drawing on shirts. I loved these as they look like crayons and it looks like they’ll be easier to use than the markers. I think I’ll do different flower drawings, cuz thanks to Mom and Dad’s flag catalogs, my flower drawings have improved.

We also got holiday cards from Mary and David and Mom and Dad S. thanking us for all we’ve done for them and for us being there. I also got a birthday card from Kim and a letter from her as well as two Bob letters she enclosed.

Got letters from Jenny and Bob.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 13, 1995 Andy might be calling soon we may call Karson. Other than this, not much else is going on and I think I'll go listen to music now.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 12, 1995 Tom is still very sore, so he says. Sorer than he’s ever been before. At least I got him to go down on me, then we worked side by side on the computers together for a while.

I forgot to mention how Bob said he used to go to topless bottomless bars for a while. Couldn’t he have just said nude?

Kim was supposed to call to talk to Tom about this new business she’s in, but she called a half-hour later than she was supposed to and he conked out. It’s some kind of thing with a telephone company where you don’t have to put out lots of money, know lots of people or have a car. She’s gonna call some other time and send us tapes and brochures on it. She says she can’t believe how promising it is and that she feels like she’s living a dream. She says she knows two other nurses that did it and they quit nursing to do this cuz it was such good money.

Last night Andy decided to call Karson while we were talking. She’s back in Mesa and was totally boring. She wasn’t frantic with us at all. We told her we’d call her every few months or so. I don’t know if she’s called Andy, but she hasn’t called me and I’m grateful for that.

Minnie left a message today. I didn’t think I’d ever hear from her again since she never wrote me back and the times between our calls and letters get bigger and bigger each time. She’s got a kid, though, so I understand.

Later…

Got a few funny things to mention, but first, Tom said they took their for-sale sign down next door and that it can mean a few things. That they either decided to switch Realtors, decided to rent it or put a foreclosure on it so the bank claims it. He says that after a house sells they usually keep the sold sign up for 30 days to show off how well they sell houses. He also could’ve decided to sell it himself as some houses are for sale by owner. I think the bank claimed it and he stopped all payments on it. I sure hope it isn’t sold even though I wouldn’t be surprised if it was. Would God really spare me that many more months of peace? I can’t believe he’s already given me peace and quiet since September 1st.

Yesterday and tonight I was a little bummed with PMS and PMS brings out reality. Why didn’t I do the right thing? Why did I go and agree to wanting a family and wanting to do whatever to allow it to happen when he’s only gonna keep playing me for a fool? Why didn’t I say I wanted one but knew better and therefore I wanted nothing to do with it and check out those injections? Why do I set myself up to be lied to and played with? You would think I’d have more respect for myself by now. I’m stupid. I know nothing’s changed here and it never will.

Yesterday Tom told me he’s decided he likes me better fully dressed cuz it makes the times I’m naked more special that way.

Right! None of the other things he suggested and that I tried worked, so why should I believe this one? He’s so full of shit! I just can’t understand why he can’t come out and tell me the truth. Isn’t he getting sick and bored with this game? Or is he still so into it that much? What a way to get your kicks, huh?

I still wish I knew what I did to him to deserve this. He says how much he loves me and that I’m a wonderful wife, so why? Why?! How can someone who’d hang naked in public from a tree by their ankles for me, walk through fire, walk on a bed of nails, and cut their hands off for me be so cruel and mean to me?

Minnie left me another message today but she called before I got up.

I also spoke to Karson today. I figured what the hell? She isn’t exactly another Fran Paiva in that sense, just weird. So, I read her the letter I got from Bob with the changes I made to it and she was laughing about it. Andy and I may call her later.

Tom looked up Excel on the computer and we found stuff about the company. He says it looks good and wants me to go for it. Kim’s gonna be sending me info on it. Right now I don’t know that much about it to write about it, but when and if I do, I will.

Maybe this was sent to me by God as a trade for the baby? Or to keep my mind off of it more? It seems reasonable to think his message behind this is saying he wants me to work, not be a mother. There’s no way he’ll ever allow me a child any more than Tom would. I know, though, that no matter how much I want a kid and no matter how much Tom’s games piss me off, a child would be the worst thing for me. I really do believe that yes, I would be a bad mom and there’s no way I could handle it. Both my mind and body could never handle it. It would just ruin my body, make me insane, steal my life, and ruin my marriage. Although he promises to go to a doctor in April of ‘97, he still insists that a fertility doctor is all in my head and that we’re not gonna need to go. Then he better plan on cumming or doing something else to really convince me that we shouldn’t bother going.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 11, 1995 No mail from Kim today, but I will be getting a few letters from her. No, she and Bob never did anything. She says his touching her on the way to New York was in his head. She said he does try to put his hand on her leg here and there and she removes it.

My hubby with the deadbeat dick will be home soon. We’re gonna move some of the shit we plan to sell out into the garage.

Did I mention how we moved the tag sale up another week due to his working 9 hours at his aunt’s? It’s a legit excuse, but there’ll always be a legit excuse with him to move it up yet another week every damn week.

There weren’t as many birds today when I got up. Maybe 17 or so instead of 28, but there are still a few lingering around the backyard and patio right now hopping for extras.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 10, 1995 Today was a good day, but like I said, there’s always an excuse with Tom. He waits till the end of his day to do anything sexual and he’s always sore or tired. At least he did a damn good job licking my pussy.

We went out to pick up Chanukah cards for Tammy and her family, my parents, and Andy. I got a blank card for Larry and his family and wished them a Happy Merry Chachristmaskah.

We also got a puppy calendar, some candy, and I got ChapStick with a touch of color.

There were nearly 30 birds today. I told you before that there was a new brown and gray one. Now there’s a new white and gray one. How many more birds are there gonna be?

Tom and I went over to Mom and Dad’s and I helped turn Ma’s window crystals so that the sun would reflect them better. I also helped to pull out a fence by their garden. I told her I forgot to bring the catalog and flags, but that I would the next time. I noticed they have a bracket for a flag in front of their house. She’d like the pineapple there and I hope she’s got a pole.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 9, 1995 I’m doing great with my schedule. I wanted to sleep from 4 AM till noon today and that’s just what I did.

Tom’s out now working on his aunt’s water tank. It was her turn to have problems with her water tank. He also mentioned stopping by his parent’s house too, so who knows when he’ll be home?

Later, we’ll probably go out and get Chanukah cards.

Today Mom and Dad S probably got the letter and drawings I surprised them with.

Andy came over last night and gave me my 3 birthday presents. He says my card will be here in a few days.

I showed him my latest cactus drawings and Mom and Dad S.’s painting I’m gonna give them for Christmas. I gave him 3 NPNs to mail for me.

Here’s what he got me: First, he put different to and from labels on each of the 3 gifts. They said: to Jodi from Andy, to Mystery from The Fem, and to Lisa S from Gloria Estefan.

Scented soaps. There were 3 of them in floral scents. Each was a different color, too. Pink, purple, and yellow.

He also got me this really nice vanilla room freshener spray. He had a bottle of it in his car and I told him I really liked it. It does go away fast, but it doesn’t make me sneeze.

Lastly, a super nice gift. A video of Gloria with 17 videos I’ve never seen before. She looks great in some of them and then there are some in which her hair and clothes suck.

Gotta get up at 11 AM tomorrow for the tag sale and now that I remember, I think Tom mentioned us getting cards tomorrow and not today. He said tomorrow or Monday.

Later…

Where the hell is Tom? I’ve been trying to call his parents to see if he can bring some KFC home on the way back, but it’s been busy for the last couple of hours.

Kim called a while ago and she’s in business with some phone company. She said her brother told her about it and that she said she couldn’t believe it. How easy it was I mean, and how promising. I told her to call back Monday night to tell Tom about it. How he’ll feel about it, I don’t know, but at least he can hear about it.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 8, 1995 Andy may or may not be over tonight. His car is fixed, but tonight may not be a good night for him to come over. We’ll just have to wait and see on that one.

Tom will be home soon, but in the meantime, I thought I’d write.

I don’t know if I wrote about this yet, but yesterday sure was a funny sight in the backyard. It rained which was great cuz it cleaned the carbon monoxide out of the air and my lungs are much better. Well, the pigeons didn’t leave when it began raining as I thought they would. Instead, they all lay down on their side and stuck one wing up. I don’t know what the purpose of this was since it didn’t seem to shield their faces from the rain. Tom says he thinks they were taking a shower. Just 1 wing, though?

Andy may be over tonight. He said he’ll call me from work, then we’ll see.

Today I had my clock set for noon, but I woke up 3 minutes before the alarm went off. I’m gonna get up at noon tomorrow too, then at 11 AM on Sunday.

I still wish I could figure out Tom. Why the discussion of how many kids we want when I thought that that was already clear? He intentionally ruins my birthday by telling me he feels he doesn’t want to be a parent with me, then claims to be less emotional a few days later and wants a family with me, then goes and discusses how much of one when he already knows how I feel about that. How does this figure into his game? There’s got to be some catch or something up his sleeve as to why he wants to continue this game and not come out with the truth after so long. I still can’t see him cumming, I still can’t see my being pregnant or us able to have a child, so what’s up? What the hell’s up with him? He’s got me more curious than ever, in some ways.

I finally told him what the psychic told me and he doesn’t believe in those, so all the more I know he’ll want to prove her wrong for saying I’d be pregnant in December, but I still don’t get what in the hell is going on.

He leads me on about a kid for almost two years, then says he doesn’t want one with me, and now he says he still does but wants to discuss how many? Weird. Real damn weird.

Tonight, I’m determined to win over my competition (the TV) and at least get him to go down on me cuz I’m hornier than all hell what with my period being only about 6 days away.

Now I’ll go type up more of 102.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 7, 1995 I just had an attack I had to get under control. I became very tight, and wheezy and was hacking my brains out, so I laid in bed and drank coffee, then Tom awoke and whacked my back. I’ve really got to put way more effort into smoking outside.

I may type my next journal with a deader ribbon. I used a new one for 100 and a lot of the pages bleed through.

Thank you, Tom. He suggested I take ibuprofen to reduce my obviously inflamed lower right wisdom tooth and that sure helped.

Then, earlier I dewaxed my good (right) ear. There was a lot of wax in there and Tom said that could be mistaken for tooth problems. I guess he was right cuz it’s virtually painless.

Later…

Tom’s watching TV now, no doubt putting off our “child talk” as long as he can to keep my nerves flying. He knows that waiting to have discussions on a personal matter makes me nervous.

We sold that guy that computer thing for $20.

Andy called and his car is fixed, but he’s not sure if he can make it tonight. He said he’d call me later.

Later…

We had our talk which I’m happy to say went well. OK, now I’ll discuss what we discussed which really wasn’t much at all. I was right on my first guess. He wants to keep the game going. He said he wanted to have a family with me and before discussing the hows of it, all he wanted to know was my feelings on the situation and how much of a family I wanted. I told him my feelings were still the same and that I wanted it, but felt that was just a fantasy and feared my past, the ADD, asthma and all the other things that go with having a kid. He said that lots of people have kids with ADD, asthma and bad pasts and they work around it and don’t let it stop them. I suppose this is true, but like a fool, I followed my heart and not my head and agreed to have one kid with him. I know he’s full of shit still, but I wonder just why he really did want to talk about the pros and cons of having one kid or more than one? Well, I’m 30 and it’s soon to be 1996, but I still say that until I see any white stuff, it’s all a joke. The only negative that I can see to having one kid, which may not be a factor, is it wishing for a sister or a brother. However, I see one as enough to afford, don’t need to put my body through more than one set of labor and delivery which would be a miracle if I survived just that, despite needing a C-section, and don’t need to deal with them fighting with each other.

He wants one too, but brought up some interesting points about having more than one. He feels that two kids end up costing less cuz you know you’re gonna buy things for the younger ones to eventually use and you tend to buy stuff of more quality that lasts longer, rather than cheaper stuff. He also says he thinks they can learn to interact with people in ways that they can’t with friends. Also, it’s easier to say no to two kids than one kid when it comes to certain things.

This conversation still strikes me as weird. He’s known I’ve always said I only wanted one kid and he agreed, so I wonder if he’s got some plan with my being 30 and with it being 1996 soon, but I sure as hell wouldn’t count on nothing without seeing you know what. He even did say he’s not making any promises, but that April of ‘97 is still on, even though he’s sure in his mind and opinion that we won’t need a Dr. Well, we’ll see. I think we both deserve a break in this situation, so maybe, just maybe, something new will happen.

He discussed with me the importance of our angles which helps us both. What I mean by this is that if our angle is off when he’s inside me, it doesn’t feel as good to him and then I get this uncomfortable pressure feeling. Now that we know I can do doggie style laying down where our bodies are lined up where our heads and feet are together, we’ll see. This is his easiest and favorite position. I may have to start off sideways for a while, then roll my body around to put the angle where it’s lined up, but maybe this will be the answer after all. I just hate to once again, after all this time, have anything to get my hopes up for nothing. I might have to get off first by him going down on me or by us being sideways, but he’s right when he said to just wait and experiment with it before assuming what I’ll have to do. Despite my doubts, I’m glad we had this talk and I do feel better. I love this man so much and all I want is for us to be happy. I really hope he’s being as honest as he’s always insisted he’s been and that things get better. I hope things will be happening in our favor, then who knows? It may motivate us in all kinds of areas.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 6, 1995 I’m wide awake cuz I slept nearly 12 hours. A day to be grateful there’s no kid, otherwise I’d have had to have gotten up at 6 AM, rather than noon.

Tom will be home soon. He’s gone from weighing 225 to 196 and now I can really see a difference. It took that long cuz he’s so tall. With me, if I gain or lose two pounds you can see it.

Yesterday I told Tom of my decision and why and read him parts of this journal. I thought he’d be happy, but instead, he was against the whole thing, and it told him once more that I don’t even know him. I’m hungry now, so I will discuss it later.

Later…

Tom just got home and is now eating, so now I can write. Anyway, like I began to say on the last page, Tom said it wasn’t my decision to make alone. Well, what do you expect when he doesn’t cum, tells you you’d say mean things to the kid and when you know this is very true?

I’ve made my decision and I fully intend to stand by it for the many many reasons I’ve gone over in these books. I will take no chances and will certainly not play games with him for two more days, let alone two more years. All he can tease me with now is just sex itself, but I know how to take care of myself.

Last night, though, he went down on me and did a great job.

This “secret” of his back when he was sure I’d be a bad wife but was wrong really has me wondering what other secrets he has. It’s convinced me all the more that he always thought I’d be a bad mom, never wanted a kid regardless, and I couldn’t ever go back on my decision due to this.

He really does seem to do what I suspect. I remember that about a week ago I was discussing with him what made us more negative and positive. I said that if someone cuts me down with things I do or want to do I tend to say, what the hell? They’re probably right and I tend to draw away from whatever it was I wanted.

He used this against me and as an excuse to get out of it and for me to doubt wanting and having a kid. Well, he didn’t completely, but he helped. In other words, I realize on my own, no matter what he says, what a lousy Mom I’d be.

I did say how he’s gonna have a harder time keeping the game going and making excuses forever and he saw the perfect opportunity and escape in my saying that and in his saying I’d be a bad Mom, in his feelings and opinions.

When I mentioned his being more physical and sexual with me, he said, “We all show our love in different ways.”

Yeah, I figured. It’s just not in him to be physical with me or have sex steadily. He likes it in spurts. We have sex for 4-5 days, then we don’t for 4-5 days, and back and forth over and over.

Then he seems to be contradicting and reminds me that you never do know and that I don’t take the steps and chances to be proven wrong. If spreading my legs for his dick isn’t taking a chance to be proven wrong, then what is?

I’m gonna be sending Bob the Reunited Love story with Robin.

If Andy’s car is fixed tomorrow, he’s gonna come over to give me my presents which he says he wants to give to me in person.

Tomorrow some guy’s coming over to buy computer parts for $20. I hope. We hope.

I’m using 1 of my 2 new spiral journals for a story called Accidental Love. I don’t know if I’ll be using the other spiral journal for the next journal yet. We’ll see.

Tom’s working on one of the computers we’re selling, of course, showing no sexual desire for me whatsoever.

I’m gonna be surprising my in-laws with a letter and drawings, so now I shall go begin the drawings.

Later…

Oh, God! Tomorrow Tom said he’d like to talk about this “child thing.” The reason why I almost dread it is cuz I’m afraid it’s gonna get me all emotional, pissed off, upset and I’m gonna have to hear things I’m not exactly gonna want to hear. The truth hurts, but I have to continue facing the truth like I’ve been doing more than ever. Maybe he’s gonna come out and tell me he lied all along and confirm my suspicions that he just went along with me, said he wanted a kid cuz I said that and was too afraid to break my heart with the truth. Or maybe he’s not done playing his game and is gonna say he wants a kid and try convincing me not to give up and give him the so-called “opportunity” so he cannot cum and try fucking with my head again. Well, it won’t work this time around.

I’d love to, one, be able to get pregnant and have a healthy baby, and two, be a good mother, but both of these are strictly fantasy.

As much as it hurts, I refuse to live on fantasies anymore. I’ve got to get on with my life and put my time, energy and effort into things that are possible. Also, I refuse to set myself up to fall and put myself in a position where he can play with my head.

He says he wants to talk about our feelings, although he hasn’t yet made a decision. Yes, he has. He made it when we met and he stuck to it. I’ll be sticking to mine, too.

The day after my birthday, I was watching an episode of Little House when a guy was praying for strength to do the right thing, follow his head and turn his back from searching for gold. He did this as it was dictating his life and keeping him from stuff he should do and was able to do. It’s like that show was meant for me and I shall pray to God to help me turn further and further away from any thoughts of a child, accept never having one, do the right thing for the sake of the kid, our marriage and get on with my life. I know he’ll help me and be proud of me.

Later…

I just left Andy a few messages. I read him Bob’s letter as he wrote it, then read it with my changes.

Earlier I told Tom, “I know I can’t change you, but I sometimes wish your sexual appetite was as high as mine.”

He answered that we had to discuss the “child thing” first. Great answer and great excuse. Like his tongue could cause any accidents? And as if his dick that he refuses to let cum could? Why couldn’t he just tell me he didn’t want to or was too tired?

After I finish this book, yes, I will use the other spiral one (the fish cover) as the next journal. If this story goes over the 1st spiral one (the flowers) I’ll wait for another spiral one to put that part of it into there.

I’m at a point now where I don’t feel like doing anything, but am nowhere ready for sleep yet. Not with all I slept today.

The pigeons really make a mess with their shit on the patio and pool area, so I began feeding them at the end of the yard on the block wall bricks as I did in the beginning. This has been useless, though, cuz they come onto the pool area and the patio right up to the back door after they ate with hopes of my giving them seconds.

It shouldn’t, cuz there are so many more pros to not having a kid, but the thought of never having a kid tears me up. What choice do I have, though? Even if I could’ve been a good mother and if the DES and God would allow it, Tom never will, no matter what he says. There’s nothing I could ever say or do that’ll make him give me a child anyway. He’s just soooo against it. Not just cuz of me. He doesn’t want to deal with it and have to give up time he barely has for it. He’d also be jealous. If he doesn’t say he never wanted one tomorrow, or that he “suddenly” doesn’t, he’ll hope we both say we want one, so he can play, “Let’s tease her and not put my actions where my mouth is.”

Someone really hurt this man. If it isn’t any kind of animosity toward me, then he’s just plain old angry for some reason. Someone had to hurt him, set him up and really let him down bad for him to be doing this to me. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. I mean, if he wanted a kid that bad, why wait even a week on making a doctor’s appointment? He can’t be that embarrassed about seeing a doctor, so it’s gotta be cuz he’s full of shit, he knows it and knows he can cum.

It’s like, gee thanks. Did he really think I was that gullible, naïve and stupid enough to buy his bull? Obviously. Maybe he figured I would due to having barely any experience with guys.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 5, 1995 Yesterday was one of the shittiest and hardest days of my life, but before I get into that, let me say that I got a nice birthday card from Evie and her family. She wrote that I made her day and that she loved the letter and the drawings and will be surprising me soon with a letter. Things are hectic there, she says. Yeah, I’d love to see a woman with a baby find the time to write letters.

I also spoke to Mom and Dad. Dad asked me how it felt to be 30 and I told him I didn’t feel any different. I asked him how it felt when he turned 30 and he said he couldn’t remember cuz it was so long ago. I said, “That’s right! I should’ve known better than to ask that.” He also said that having his youngest turn 30 makes him feel kind of old.

I also got 2 letters from Kim and she enclosed another 70 pages worth of letters she got from Bob. I don’t know if I want to copy all this! Bob also sent me a 2-page letter today and I figured what the hell? He never says anything new, so there’s no use in saving his letter. So, I put comments of my own in to send Kim and maybe I’ll copy it in. He said he had no idea what “the calls” were all about and he hasn’t gotten any more letters. So he did get the letters. I figured so.

I was hurt that Tom didn’t even make me a card on the computer, but like I said, he wanted to see to it that not only was this the worst birthday, but the worst day of my being here. Tom insists that he didn’t mean to ruin my birthday and that I’m entitled to my own opinion. Well, what better way to ruin someone’s birthday than to tell them, “I still want a kid, but I don’t think I want to be a parent with you cuz if you can say mean things to me, you can say mean things to the child.” And also, what better cover-up for the truth which is, “I don’t want a child,” than to say he doesn’t want one cuz of me? He reminded me of how I said I’d do anything for him.

Then he told me a story. He told me that until he married me he was as sure as I am that I can’t have a child and that I would be a bad wife. He said all the evidence was there saying I’d be a bad wife, cuz of my past, my lifestyle before, etc. He said he didn’t think I’d probably be a bad wife, but that he knew I’d be a bad wife. But he loved me enough, anyway. Then, after we married, I proved him wrong, he said. His point of telling me this was to remind me that you never do know, but he made himself as clear as can be for the first time as to where he stands about having a kid. Not as truthfully or as bluntly as I’d like, but it doesn’t matter anymore cuz what he said was close enough and also cuz I’ve made an agonizing decision, regardless of how right my suspicions are about his never wanting a kid.

At first I thought that maybe a kid would help us to watch what we say all the more and not fight as much cuz that seems to be what the bulk of our fights are all about. He disagreed. He’s probably right according to the statistics of what kids do to couples and there’s no sense in doing it and finding out if we’re wrong like he was wrong about my being a bad wife.

I started to think that everyone says bad things every now and then, but then it hit me harder than ever before that it goes deeper than that. So, I made a totally heartbreaking decision, but I know it will make Tom proud of me and certainly God and even my family if they knew.

Tom brought up a good point. He said never before today did he fear having a kid cuz of me and that sometimes one has to not do something they want cuz it’s for the best.

They say it’s best to follow your heart and not your head, but this time around I’m gonna follow my head. People can say it’s wrong and that I’m kissing Tom’s ass and giving up what I want to please him and call me a sucker and say that I’m jumping the gun, but I realized like never before just what a lousy mother I’d be. I’ve always known this, but now I know like never before. I must never have a child no matter how much it hurts. No matter how much I feel like it’s the end of the world and like Tom died or something. I must make sure that no matter how I feel, I do not selfishly give in to my desires and allow myself to get pregnant. I said yesterday I wouldn’t get an abortion if I found out I was pregnant, even though I’ve given up all hopes of it, but yes I would. I’d have to. I’d have to save the poor child from being born only to be the victim of my abuse. Tom must make sure he never cums unless we use some type of birth control. I could never handle being a mom. I could never learn or handle things as far as caring for them or going with no sleep and no life. My body could never take it, either.

I finally prayed to God and said I was sorry for asking him for a child and that I knew it was wrong and selfish. I knew that it was wrong to ask Tom and that that was selfish and that while his voice may say yes, his actions would just say no. I know I can’t make Tom do anything that may make him feel uncomfortable when he has doubts and fears just like I do. I said I knew he’d be proud of me if I did the right thing and that I was ready to do so. All I asked him for was to please give me the strength to get over it and not feel so depressed about never having a child. I know I’ll feel rather devastated for a while, cuz these things take time. However, I’m sure I’ll get over it with time and that time will be my best friend. I just hope Tom lets me get it out and mourn not having a kid as much as I need to so I can get it out of my system so I can move on. I also said I was sorry for saying that he only gives bad people kids cuz I’m a perfect example of one who’d be a bad Mom that can’t have a kid.

I meant it when I said I’d do anything for Tom after all he’s done for me. I’d even rob a bank for him, but I owe him my not asking for a child. His desires and needs and the needs of the child I’d abuse if we had one are much more important than any desires or needs I could have. Also, I said that with all the bad things I’ve done in my life, I don’t deserve or have any rights whatsoever to have a child. This is a case where it’s OK to assume and prejudge what kind of a mother I’d be.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 4, 1995 As I knew it would be, this birthday sucks so far. Tom’s getting me back for ruining his birthday last June. To go over it again, well, last June I was still having a hard time accepting the fact that I could never have a kid and was really upset about that as well as his not cumming. Back then was when the truth was just starting to hit me so it was a very depressing time for me. I wasn’t able to accept and say to myself back then, “OK, he did a raunchy thing by lying to me. He knew damn good and well he never intended to cum and he sure as hell doesn’t want a kid. I will never forgive him and I shouldn’t have to, but I love him to death nonetheless, no one’s perfect, we all say we’re gonna do things we don’t mean to do and there’s still so much good in him. Like 95% of him. So, just accept it and know that a kid was never fated to be anyway and that it’s not for you.”

He’s the kind of guy, like me, who gives what he gets.

Now while he does have a problem with being asked certain requests, he’s gotten better, so I wasn’t surprised when he used my asking him to please make sure he puts my coffee can covers on tightly as an excuse to make my day rather lousy. He then said OK, pretty solemnly, then walked away. I asked where he was going, and he said he was just staying out of my way. Then I said, “Oh, yeah, I get it. Payback’s due cuz of what happened on your birthday.” Then I said we could fight about it and he said he didn’t want to ever fight with me. Yeah, sure. I’m sure he got a kick out of it much as all this teasing with sex/kid.

I said nothing was going on (he asked me, probably hoping I’d bring up the issue of a kid), but that I could make something up if it’d make him happy. He just muttered goodbye and left.

Someone’s next door right now with a big truck and I saw someone cleaning the front door. I wouldn’t be too shocked if someone moved in today since both Tom and God are gonna see to it that I don’t have too good of a day as payback for my spoiling Tom’s birthday. The only difference is that I didn’t mean to ruin Tom’s birthday last June. He intends to ruin mine. I can almost bet he’s at work now thinking of how I’m still not pregnant and laughing his ass off about it.

How can I feel so loved and blessed by this man, yet so manipulated and played with? For the last week, he played with me on the issue of sex like crazy. Now we had fun over his days off, laughing and joking and this and that, but in between, I had to deal with his fucking games.

Saturday, he went down on me, then I went to take care of him and he said he didn’t feel like screwing. We hadn’t screwed for days before this. Now you tell me…what kind of red-blooded man can do that? Before going down on me he was in the bathroom for a while claiming to have to take a dump. I think that was when he relieved himself. If I relieved myself 5 minutes prior to doing whatever that took me only 10 minutes to do, I wouldn’t be in the mood to fuck around either.

It’s like he’s even teasing me during sex. He used to almost always lick my pussy perfectly, but now he’s constantly going too high, too low, too light, or too hard.

I just wish I knew what I did to make him feel the need to do this to me. All I ever did was ask to have a child and help with the singing. His voice said yes, but his actions said no. I may no longer want to be a singer and a part of me may want the kidless, but must I deal with this year after year? It’s like, OK I get the message. We won’t have a kid and I won’t sing, but do you have to keep playing games with me?

I also hope he knows I won’t be going to any doctor in April of ‘97, but as if he’ll be crying over the loss of that anyway. Right! That’d make his day and if someone didn’t know any better, they’d think he won the lottery.

He’s still crying “no opportunity” and that he needs time. Well, it’s been two years, so how many more does he need? I’m not playing this game year after year. He’s made sure he’s been taken care of by not letting us have a kid and now it’s time for me to take care of myself and I will ask Dr. Rausch about that injection the next time I see him. If I don’t, this will go on year after year and he’ll insist the injection will “ruin his life” year after year. There’s no way in hell I’ll allow myself to put up with that. I respect myself. And if someone wants to call that selfish, let them.

The only positive thing there is to say about sex is that I finally got into doggie style, but not the usual way. After he went inside me when I was on my back, I rolled over on my side with him still in there and he laid behind me also on his side like usual.

Since I’ve brought it up, he keeps going more often after I cum just to please me and also as a cover for the truth about him. Right as he’s about to cum he stops, tensing his muscles to stop himself and I know this can be done cuz even I could do that to myself.

I just don’t see how he can live like that. That’d drive me crazy.

Just the other day he said he still felt our dreams were still inevitable. This isn’t what he told me a few weeks ago. A few weeks ago, he told me he used to feel that way, but is no longer sure of it.

Yesterday he said we could screw at the end of the day when he knew he’d be too tired and it’d be much easier for him to hold back and all I did was say that I thought he liked it better in the morning. Then he said that cuz I was acting like it was a big deal (which I wasn’t) he thought it’d be best if we didn’t screw.

Finally, I screamed at him demanding that he either screw me or he doesn’t and he keeps his mouth shut. I’m getting so sick of his shit that for an instant I felt like grabbing him and beating the shit out of him. This is a man I know I could severely hurt, so I just ran out of the room.

I finally figured out another thing about God and again I wonder what took me so long.

Remember how I said I wondered why God had to help Tom to be the way he is (yes I do believe that God does have some control in the way we are) when all God has to do is make sure I’m sterile? Well, I realized that these are two separate issues and that all my life there’s always something going on with me that’s weird, unusual or abnormal. It’s part of my plan. If it weren’t for his not cumming, it’d be something else. God felt he had to do this cuz I resolved some of the ordinary issues in my life. Except for the sleeping schedule problem, that is. God’s always gotta do something. That means that if Tom came, he’d go do something else.

Or maybe God really does hate gays and cuz I’ve slept with women, I get paid back by a guy who won’t get off and by my never having a child.

I want so badly to tease Tom back with issues of sex, but I can’t cuz it’s no tease to him. I really believe this guy is not one bit attracted to me sexually and that while he only does stuff with me when it’s convenient to him, sex is all for me and he wants no part of it. Oh, I know he loves me, but there’s no sexual desire for him in me. It’s all for show when he grabs my ass or something which isn’t that often compared to the average guy.

While I’ve gotten way, way used to his low sexual drive, if he were like Brenda or Kacey for a month, I’d be more than happy for him to always go back to his usual ways.

Anyway, it was an hour or so after I screamed about his teasing me and enjoying it that he did me, but only to please me.

He brought up his hoping I wouldn’t stay angry at him and I think he meant about the kid. Well, like I said, I’ve gotten used to the facts and accept them as they are, but whether or not I want a kid is beside the point. The point is that he told me a great big lie and that’s nothing people ever forget. I’m not as angry, I do forgive him, but I will never forget.

He did admit to being wrong about giving me timetables, saying that I pressured him for them which is true. Every month to every week he says he’s gonna cum. He said he’s not gonna say we’re gonna have a kid in 3 years or tomorrow. That’s nice, but what he really needs to do is say the truth. That we never will.

When someone does something bad to you in a big way, an apology always helps, even though it can’t undo what’s been done. I still want the day to come when he spills the truth out.

You see, time really is my best friend and without an apology, I’m still gonna get over it and accept it, even though I’ll always remember it cuz that’s all one can do and that’s normal, but an apology might help finalize it.

Later…

Andy called and we talked for a while. He said he’ll be over with my birthday present on Wednesday or Thursday. He said he wanted to come today but his car’s being worked on. Part of God’s doing? Yup.

Anyway, while we were talking I was gonna call the Springfield weather line, but then I said, “Let’s be Jewish and call the free 800 number to the Sheridan hotel.” The woman that answered said it was cold and to bring all kinds of stuff to keep warm if I were to visit. Stuff like warm coats, mittens, scarves, etc. Andy and I were cracking up.

My right wisdom teeth are bugging me. Just what I need. They’ve been giving me discomfort for 3 days now and I hope to hell they don’t get infected. I know they’re gonna have to be yanked. I just hope we have the money to deal with it before it turns into any big deal if it does.

After I spoke to Andy, Tammy called. She’s been pretty busy. She asked me what Mom and Dad sent and I told her. She also said she forgot to mail my birthday card, but I really wonder if she’s got one. She isn’t into sending cards.

As I said, I spoke to Larry last night who was beat. I talked to Sandy much longer and it was really cool to talk to her. That was my first real grown-up conversation with her since I was still practically a kid back when we last saw each other.

I was rubbing in the cold and snow she has to deal with and she was cracking up over how I asked that bitch Stacey at the Vista Ventana if I could store a bike if I got one in the cellar. She was laughing at how Tom and most people out here pronounce the r in the word quarter. When I told her Tom pronounces it, she said, “Oh, brother!” Tom was laughing at that.

I talked to Jenny really quickly before she got on the phone and she and Sandy both told me Jenny was going to send me a letter with some drawings. Sandy said she loved my drawings and that Jenny liked the one with the plant on a hanger. That’s nice, cuz I thought that one came out shitty. Sandy said Jenny’s drawings weren’t too good, but that’s OK. I’d just love to get a letter from her with whatever she can draw if she’s for real. You know me, though. I don’t get my hopes up till I see it.

Tom showed me some new computer games yesterday, then we scanned my drawings. However, they look like shit cuz the scanner is an old shitty one and the lighting was bad. We used the camcorder and that colorized them, but they still print out shitty, so we’re gonna have to rescan them.

I finally got him to look at the music room window. He fixed it so I can open and close it but he said that cuz it was bent he didn’t want to mess with it too much in case it broke. Right now we sure as hell don’t have the extra money to buy glass for a windowpane.

More and more I find myself hoping to be a computer journalist and not writing by hand. These hands can keep up with my thoughts on a keyboard much faster than they can holding a pen.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 3, 1995 Larry just called. He said he wanted to call me cuz he'd be busy tomorrow and also cuz he didn't think he'd be able to get through with Tammy yacking away.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 2, 1995 Tom’s at work till noon. Meanwhile, I’m working on my story and I’ve printed out 64 pages of it.

I drew some really good pictures of a few different cactuses as well as a mule deer.

Now it’s time to type letters, so they can go out Monday.

Later…

Right now Tom’s clearing out space in the garage so we can set up for the tag sale.

He has shown practically no interest in me sexually. I’m surprised I’m not bothered by it. Maybe it’s cuz I’m sick of the same old shit. Unless someone’s going down on me to get off, sex is so fun with someone like him who never gets off. If he were constantly all over me or if he got off every other time, that’d be different. He’s just gotten to be old and boring news when it comes to sex. He’ll always be the same. We do whatever every day for about 4 days, then he won’t touch me. It’s always the same old shitty boring cycle that goes on while he insists he wants to “progress” sexually. He’ll always cry no opportunity and tells me what will help him cum. I can’t help him. There’s nothing at all I can do for him. He needs to help himself and come out of denial and let us use some form of birth control. Then hopefully his games, teasing and lies will stop. Then I won’t feel as abnormal and uncomfortable about sex being just for me and not mutual, should he remain as he is.

He told me he wouldn’t feel comfortable about jerking off in front of me cuz he wouldn’t get off by it. Well, of course not. That’d be too much of a dead giveaway and he doesn’t want to rub it in or tease me that much. He wants to keep me wondering, suspecting, and thinking about it. So, if he were to cum, it’d be awfully obvious and spoil the game. Then there’d be nothing to tease about.

Otherwise, we’re getting along much better. I’m having fewer depression/anger spells over never having a kid and we’re fighting much less. I think, though, it’s cuz I’m so used to his ways now and know he’s set in them, won’t budge and I’m moving into the next phase which is acceptance. Even the thought of seeing a doctor in ‘97 has got me wondering if I’ll get cold feet when the time comes.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 1, 1995 Yesterday I got two canvases, brush cleaner, a brush-cleaning tub, and two new spiral journals.

We checked out a paper store, but all they had were kits to glue books and plastic spirals. I want metal ones cuz they’re sturdier. The damn paper puncher costs $300.

A part of me wishes I got a puzzle instead and a doggie mug instead of the stuff for painting. I took a shot at painting today and I did a nice sky, mountain, grass, and an evergreen tree, but I fucked up my other tree and the area around that. I don’t know if I can salvage that area, but I can’t try to fix it till it’s dry. If I try painting over a blue area with green, for example, the two colors will only blend together.

I took a tiny canvas and painted it pinkish-red. When this dries, I’ll paint white lily flowers on it with green leaves around it. Then I’ll outline it for contrast with brown using a liner. Also using a liner, I’ll put brown veins in the leaves. I’d really love to paint different cactuses which I’ve got pictures of, but there are so many tiny lines going in several different directions, that it seems like it may be impossible to do both with the liner as well as with the knife.

I have another idea for the big canvas. To make 6 squares, 3 on the right and 3 on the left. Paint each square a different color, then do a different flower design in each square after the background colors dry.

[the-firebird69]

It's what kind of sides but they didn't vote on it and someone is telling you that's the case It is true that Congress came up with some document but it's only 60 members but that is a majority It seems like they're asking for it doesn't it. And they want them to take over so they can move our sun west and trying to take over. Our son says it makes sense but it's still stupid.

-Dave had a lot of choice words he said this it kind of can't get it up I think they're still in power and it's horrible happens to us it says get out of here seven digestion problems so you start taking and he had Crohn's and he started doing it four or five pills three times a day and started working and it felt a lot better and he knew as you were helping he said this is amazing it works and he says if it doesn't you can pull it out with Pepto for a few days then start up the probiotics again and it did have a couple times and it works real well and saved you. We have a lot of stuff to talk about

-is there a couple people down here who are harassing a son already and refused to stop but we are going to make them pay

-there's other stuff happening one of which is they have big mouths

-you have announcements I'm going to wait till later but he says there's a war going on and he wants to know what's the rings with the fire is and we get that the rings are being fought over and it's pretty harsh as well the third ring has 200,000 in it and they are getting wiped out and more heading out these are people from the original bunch that's not true it's only like 10,000 each time but those numbers are beginning to be significant and no households have gone out recently the fire is a condo it's not too far away and it's closer than Tommy f was the one he knows about it really should burn to the ground they got some of it out and smoldering and they'll probably rip it down finally. Sometimes it starts them renovating or removing and replacing it might cuz the new one is nice and sturdy and could stay in the storms and they make it out of block and they fill it and it's 12 in or bigger at the base and there are more things happening

-along with an attack from here they're coming from the East and they're coming over to the rings at the 21st ring at West Palm they are loading up tons of troops and for an attack at dusk. There's other people who are going to join them and it's minority more luck who have had enough of it and miscellaneous who have had enough of it and so the President and vice President are fighting and Dee and does not like the pseudo empire.

-this is going to be a big battle there's a lot of people gathering on the other side and we mean billions and they're not exactly incompetent they're going to see what's going on and mostly miscellaneous they're tired of the abuse the drone in conversation the idiotic idiots helping the empire almost at every turn and they want to change some foreigners are going to join up and see what the problem is here it will make a change for the better he says the warlock out here and not untamed and it's mostly them believe it or not they'll see the empire is held out and they can tell that it's them and Mac is upset and Stan doesn't like what's going on in the people who work for them won't listen and you can see by Timmy D that it's ridiculous

-the movie series is beginning all of that space stuff and then it will jump into superhero stuff in Star wars but it does begin and it is beginning with Massachusetts and the battle it is moved to New York it is moved to Pennsylvania big huge war and it's starcraft gets involved with the bugs and they are destroying bunkers up north still and then Virginia there's a more starcraft there then it leaps over to Georgia and starcraft is there and Warhammer and Warcraft and it's a big jumble and then the Lord of the rings begins once the car makes it to Florida but it does go down Florida and it hammers on the whole bunch of them unfortunately and we think that titanium the video is going to begin and soon and Trump is shrinking and is sick and it becomes small and he is wishing he made the small car company and it's really obligatory and that he doesn't feel like he's up to it. There's other things happening we do have a lead on Harley and other companies nothing is materialized but their ideas and really that revisit you revisiting it and also the stitch boat has taken off people are making their own it's one thing that they're making and they're continuing to and it is growing steadily not real fast but it will people are going to make kids and sell them they can make money with it and even instructions and sell them and it's going very well we have some other items that are taking off people are making the clown bikes for one reason or the other they're taking the Harleys apart and it's something that they like doing and they're putting them on smaller frames did they have and converting their Honda rebels and V-Star into these things and that's what they're doing and they're leaving the motor inn and go slower they say but they like the look and their son suggested they put in the dot exhaust liquid cooling and top end kit and sprockets when she do all that to a 250 it goes about 120 without with the fenders and tank and right now it goes 110. And better tires so they're going ahead and doing that and a lot of people have it right and 120 is pretty fast but with a 45 horsepower Briggs & Stratton from a lawn mower it'll go $150 to 180 150 lb personal go 180 mph. So some of them are trying that. Others are going to make the frames they think it's just starting. Here's another idea but we have more to announce

-the titanium video is a kickoff for the Washington series and just a huge slew of movies venom edge of Tomorrow day after tomorrow series of space movies and it's really called space Odyssey and people have it all kind of charted out how they think it happens and it's a huge battle and they talk at parties and it's going on all the time and they want him to argue about it and looks like one of them he says it's really like a headache and so they started laughing it really is but they want to know so it's a huge deal that he just sits there and doesn't talk to anyone and they're fighting is valuable so they're trying to do stuff and people in the way and they see who it is and it's starting to battle more with the pseudo empire it's going on now huge huge wars are about to start but the deal with the Armstrong elementary or middle school really is that they think it's up there and stuff like that but really it's to talk about it and to try and research what happens and look for secret stuff that Dave may have left there and they know that Tommy F has it it goes from that movie video to the movie fear which is 1997 I think and they figure out the tummy really soon do you think it's tonight and into tomorrow they start the space missions and it becomes a horrible series horrible series and they pick up the specimens they get infected and movies start in venom begins which is a huge series and Woody harrelson disappears and they figured he doesn't come back but he does and there is an issue he turns into a maniac but you don't really gets rid of him and there's an issue about the cell phone and that's something says his mom's and Eddie and venom handed to Tommy f and they want him to listen to it and I think it's about Trump but it's not and she's saying all sorts of stuff that's recorded you can hear our son saying that's enough mom stop telling lies no but that's not it it's on the text messages and they want the original and he's saying you're threatening me with poison or something and it didn't look like enough to put it in the hospital the people but they want him to get it because people are watching and to see that people are putting him in there and it's the max for their long-range plan somehow it shows it it's very important so we're going to print

Thor Freya

Olympus

Zues Hera

[alan-p-49]

Yo so uh I decided to do a natal chart for my OC Steven bc that's how I get ideas and helps me with fleshing out characters. Thank God I found where I wrote down his birthday and I used the year that he would be born in at his original universe and not the sims 4 universe (which is march 2nd 2043), felt like he was the kind of guy to be born at noon and assumed he would be born in some hospital at Springfield, Massachusetts (bc his home town in that universe is Florida, Massachusetts) so I ended up with this

The first striking thing about him is that apparently he's a moon in Scorpio so uh my OC that is supposed to be plain as wonderbread is more spicier than expected. And after looking around like the stuff going on with fifth house and tenth house basically indicates that he's actually an artist. But here comes the tea: that Mars in Pisces shit which basically means that he is a passive boy and would rather sacrifice shit rather than hold on to things and with Lilith being in fifth house it shows why he's so fucking plain because he can't express shit. Everything is pointing to him being the expressive artist but he himself has issues expressing himself. Lilith in Scorpio doesn't help it because he is battling with his own deeper emotions.

And this is not helping with his Venus in 8th house which is honestly is him repressing his sexuality because he is bi but he doesn't like it because internal biphobia

I'll be honest I did sense cancer being in him somewhere but I didn't think it would be his ascendent

Anyways it's just a funny haha thing I tend to do with my OCs

[the-technicolor-whiscash]

I think the reason why this week has felt like a year and a half is cause I have my road test today technically cause it’s already Wednesday lmao I’m finally gonna be able to legally drive a car hopefully. I am terrified of driving but given how some of the people in Florida drive like they’re blind chickens I think no matter what I do, I’m probably gonna pass. Like I thought Massachusetts drivers were bad but FL drivers are something else like have you ever had someone in a $57k white lifted pickup with truck nuts and a bumper sticker that celebrates horses, guns, and the death of a family member pass you on the right and then immediately slam on the breaks? Because you will experience that in Florida. In mass when someone passes you on the right at least it’s probably like, a Prius or something else short enough that they can see you when you flip them off

[futureisorg]

A Political Tale and Why I Support FiNC

By Al Krulick

Before moving to Florida in 1992, where I have lived, worked, and raised my family for the past three decades, I was involved in four political races in Massachusetts during the 1980s. Massachusetts was a Blue State at that time, so almost every electoral contest was decided in Democratic primaries. Republicans of that era were generally of the white-glove, country-club variety; they came from old money and often, older families. They believed in small government, low taxes, and a perpetual continuation of aristocratic patriarchy. Thus, they had little chance of defeating the growing Democratic coalition of Italian and Irish working-class voters, Kennedy-clan admirers, and leftist academics and students, especially in the communities around Boston, where I lived.

The first race I worked on got me hooked on electoral politics – it was a contest for the State Senate. My candidate ended up winning the first general election write-in campaign in the 200+-year history of the body after narrowly losing in the Democratic primary three weeks prior. I then worked on a congressional campaign, a mayoral race, and the 1988 presidential contest for Mike Dukakis – all Democratic Party candidates.

In 1996, I decided to run for Congress, myself, in my new Florida district against the entrenched Republican incumbent Bill McCollum since no one else wanted to. I had no money, name recognition, influential backers, and little chance of winning. But I felt that I had the skills and experience to, at least, give the Democratic voters in CD8, which numbered about 33% of the total, an option. No candidate, I reasoned, should run unopposed. At that time, I was lucky that President Bill Clinton was running for re-election since he directed the DNC and state parties to support any candidate willing to run as a Democrat because he was smart enough to know that down-ballot races often increase voter participation. In Florida, it costs over $10,000 to get on the ballot for Congress and the DCCC and the State Party ponied up the money.

McCollum was much like the old-school Republicans of the Bay State, except that he wasn’t a blue-blooded aristocrat. He grew up in a small Florida town, believed in his conservative values, and played the game of politics like a professional. He was civil to one and all, enjoyed debating the issues, and respected me for entering the fray. While we disagreed on almost every issue, we were never disagreeable on the campaign trail. The only problem I had with Bill was his dependency on special interest money and what I perceived as his subservience to the agendas of his right-wing backers. Not surprisingly, I lost that first race and then again in 1998 when I took Bill on one more time. In each election, I garnered the predictable 33% of the vote.

Fast forward to 2014: Now, I was living in Florida’s CD7 and decided to face yet another entrenched Republican congressman, John Mica, in yet another solid Red district. (Yes, I know. Many of my Democratic friends called me crazy then, too, and there was little hope of garnering any monetary support from the Party or local donors.) Partially, for that reason, as well as for the following, this time, I opted to run as an NPA, i.e. a No Party Affiliation candidate. I thought that running as an Independent would allow me to talk to a wider range of voters without having to label myself as either a D or an R. I had learned over the years that voting is largely a tribal affair and that once a candidate has a letter after his or her name, the outcome is pretty much predetermined, depending on the registration rolls. As an NPA, I felt I could discuss issues without a voter’s bias constricting the conversation. I could also point out that the growing extremism in both major parties was compromising the mechanics of democracy and helping to subvert the people’s will in the House of Representatives.

As it turned out, a young man in the district with no prior political experience entered the race as a Democrat. Wes was earnest in his desire but soon discovered that he hadn’t the staying power or the resources, neither monetary nor psychological, for a sustained campaign. Sometime in August, he simply disappeared. This was my first brush with an ineffective local press, which had little interest in covering a race that it had already decided was going to be won by the incumbent. I had to badger and nag the Orlando Sentinel to investigate this strange occurrence, and the paper finally decided to mention Wes’s abandonment, but to little avail. In the end, even though he was nowhere to be found, eventually surfacing just before Election Day to apologize for dropping out, Wes still received 34% of the vote because his name was still on the ballot followed by that all-important, tribal “D.” Mica handily won with 60% of the vote; I received about 6%.

Here’s the lesson I learned: Without a credible fourth estate informing the voters, they will naturally vote along party lines – in this case, even though the candidate was a ghost. Except for a very small percentage of knowledgeable constituents, most people have neither the time nor the resources to carefully investigate candidates, nor their fitness for office -- which is precisely what got us the current George Santos debacle in New York’s 3rd CD, wherein a candidate whose entire résumé and history was fabricated just won a seat in the 118th Congress.

And yet, the Santos situation is not a one-off. In fact, I faced the very same dilemma in my most recent race. (Yes, I actually decided to run one more time when my former congresswoman, Stephanie Murphy, decided not to run for re-election. Crazy is as crazy does.) This time, I registered as a Democrat, again, even though my formerly Blue district was gerrymandered at the last minute by the Florida legislature, which, under pressure from Governor Ron DeSantis, turned it Red by a five-point margin. But since all of the leading Republican nominees were not of the same ilk as my former opponents -- indeed, they were all far-right zealots, Trumpists, and election deniers -- I thought that a good fight with Party backing, and a forthright appeal to Independents as well as any sane Republicans that might still exist, could finally yield a win for me.

As it turned out, a late entrance into the race was a woman named Karen Green, who had declared her nomination from Florida’s 8th CD, but changed it to the 7th CD at the 11th hour. Green was a Vice-Chair of the Florida State Democratic Party and a darling of the local Party in Seminole County (the SemDems), which made up a large portion of the district. By June 2022, the race was a four-way one. I was the only candidate with prior electoral experience, although Green had worked on various Democratic campaigns herself over the past several years.

Within weeks of her declaring, I received credible, truthful, and verifiable information, some in Green’s own handwriting, that she, like Santos, had completely fabricated her academic résumé, claiming advanced degrees from various institutions, as well as a phony Doctorate in Humanities from a non-accredited diploma mill, for which she paid a small sum for its worthless piece of paper. She called herself a Dr. and a Reverend, although she was evidently neither, but the voters didn’t know that. She was a phony from the get-go, and my campaign team felt it necessary to relay this information to the local press, the State Party, and the SemDems. Surely, this was a major situation that would immediately be addressed by those parties in the best interests of the Party, the voters, and our democratic institutions.

Boy, was I ever wrong! The press shrugged. Except for one area reporter whose work on an online political blog was only read by insiders, nobody at the Sentinel cared enough to check out our information, or if they did, hit dead ends and dropped the trail. As for the State Party, it not only looked the other way but also directed the chair of the SemDems to do so, as well. Green was their girl, and it seemed that they would rather lose with her than give an outsider such as me a shot at beating the Republican nominee after the primary season.

Repeated attempts to convince the paper of record that this was a flawed candidate who was lying about her background and, thus, was unfit for elective office fell on deaf ears – so much so that when Green won the Democratic primary, largely because voters were unaware of her dishonesty  (and I didn’t have the funds to broadly disseminate our information on my own), the Sentinel actually endorsed her in the general election, pointing out that my claims had been denied by her, although she never actually offered any proof of any of her bogus degrees, which, although she never graduated college, included two BAs, an MBA, two PhDs, and a postgraduate degree from Cornell University in a program that doesn’t even offer one!

So, my lesson about a lazy and incompetent press was reinforced. If the press doesn’t do its job, voters will not have the information they need to make quality decisions at the polls. And although for years I have felt that the Republican Party, whose stances on important issues I had always abjured, and which has now devolved into a Trumpian personality cult, is beyond redemption, I now have to admit that my own Democratic Party, certainly here in Florida, is equally, although somewhat differently, corrupt.

All of this brings me to embrace the purpose and mission of the Future is Now Coalition (FiNC). My own experience of four decades of electoral politics as a volunteer, senior staffer and operative, and four-time congressional candidate has led me to understand that our system is broken and that the status quo is damaging to democracy in our nation. The press will not do its job of informing voters, so FiNC has decided to pick up that charge and do it for them with its Digital Democracy platform. In this place, voters can find out all the information they need on issues, candidates, and election law in all 50 states. The two-party duopoly that has continued to defraud voters and defeat the wishes of the vast majority of the American electorate has shown itself unfit to lead. FiNC has determined that supporting independent candidates, wherever and whenever possible, is a good cure for the corrupt politics of Ds vs. Rs.

FiNC is composed largely of passionate, intelligent, and most importantly, hopeful young men and women who see the next few years and decades as perhaps our last chance to fix the great American experiment before it devolves into an anti-democratic banana republic, run by self-serving authoritarian rulers who care nothing about preserving the country and the planet for future generations. I fully applaud and support their efforts to enhance and empower participatory democracy. While I am now entering my eighth decade as an American citizen, and my political battles are largely behind me, I am convinced that through their efforts, this country will be a better place for those who come after me. Please give this nascent, grassroots organization your support, as well. Democracy is too dear to lose and too precious to leave for others to defend. It’s your job too.

[tryst-art-archive]

October 2010: "Until I Sleep"

Los Angeles Police Department, Officer Dawe: Interview with “Dani California”

            I went gray in elementary school. At first I just left it that way, but when dealing with the other kids got too hard, I started dying it. By then the damage was done, though, so it didn’t really help all that much. It wasn’t until Calez entered middle school with us that I started just wearing it gray again. He wasn’t called Calez then – I mean, that’s a nickname I gave him, not his real name – and he wasn’t as much of a scruffy musician either, and I guess if he had been he might have fit in better. He could have passed as a stoner that way. But back then, he hadn’t grown into his lankiness so when he walked it was like a daddy longlegs on ice. He did have the beginning of the goatee then, but his hair was too tidy for it. Turns out he needed the shaggy brown mop to complete the look.

            Anyway, Calez has been into the flute for pretty much his whole life, so he was already a crazy talented flutist when he came, and he joined the school’s concert band right off and put everyone else to shame. They were struggling over sixteenth notes while his fingers choreographed strings of thirty-second notes. He’d add mordents to the compositions and play in harmony to the rest of the flutes when he got bored. So he inhabited this bizarre place in the school’s social spectrum. On the one hand he was this awkward music nerd with no appeal to the ladies, but on the other he was too talented to not leave you staring slack-jawed. For the first few days, the other kids jeered at him, and that landed him in with me and the rest of the misfits, but then the band held practice. After they heard him play, people had respect for him, and since he’d already fallen in with the losers, that meant we gained some points by association. And me? I was already becoming his best friend, y’know? So I stopped dying my hair, and in high school I decided to kick it up a notch, dye my tips crazy colors. Eventually I settled on the pink, but I went through the whole rainbow, mixed it up, just whatever I felt like. That’s when I started dressing in neon colors and accessorizing, too.

            Well, anyway, the two of us were pretty much inseparable before long, so after we spent high school learning trivia through a haze of smoke – I’ll let you guess what kind – we figured we’d just go to the same college. I mean, neither of us were very into the idea of college, so I just picked a random state school and went with it. Calez tried in some other places, though. He actually got into Berkeley, but we were in Florida then, and Massachusetts was too far away, he said. So he was going to state school with me, in the end. We never wound up going, though.

            Y’see, we had both packed all our stuff up, just had a duffel bag to carry us through the week before we moved, y’know? So one of those nights in the middle, we’re bored out of our minds. Our college was starting later than all our friends’, so it was just the two of us, and that was alright of itself, but all our things were packed away and that left standing around in the Floridian sun. I don’t know if you’ve ever spent a summer in the swamp that is Floridian heat, but it is not an atmosphere you want to walk through while having skin. So that pretty much left us with malls and waiting until night took the edge off a little.

            We headed into town sometime in the afternoon; Calez had his flute, something he’d busted his savings on, and I had a pair of drumsticks and a tambourine ‘cause I’d taken up percussion so that the two of us could jam. I’ve got a decent sense of rhythm, and Calez pretty much taught me anything else I might need to know, so we’d go down to Miami, lay out Calez’s flute case, and just jam for a few hours at a time. When we got to the city on that particular day, though, it was sweltering so we set ourselves up in an air conditioned shopping center, sometimes jamming, sometimes dodging security, and sometimes just window shopping. Sometime after the sun had set, a group of security guards finally caught up with us and kicked us out for playing in the mall without permission. It was still too hot to be out, really, but we figured it would cool down soon so we wandered into the party district.

            A couple weeks before this, a new nightclub had opened up down there. It was some kind of gay bar, and it was drawing customers like sugar draws ants. No one really seemed to be sure why since it wasn’t offering anything particularly different than any of the other gay bars in the area, but rumor had it that the place had male dancers just being sexy for the crowds and that one of them was particularly stunning. It didn’t really matter to us why the place was overflowing with people, though. Me and Calez were out to jam and make a little pocket change that night, so we headed down to the new club and parked ourselves close enough to get the attention of the people trying to get into it but not so close that its local pounding would drown us – well, mostly Calez – out.

            We actually made a decent sum that night. The line into the club was long enough and boring enough for people to notice us and anyone who’d come in a group would send one of their party over to give us what they could spare. Since we’d gotten out there so early in the evening, the crowd just engorged the longer we stayed out there, so we were there for a pretty long time. Long enough for some of the dancers to come out and take a break.

            We weren’t even paying attention, really, so we didn’t see them come over. Calez was just immersed in his playing, rocking with it, feeling it with his whole body, completely gone in the melody, and I had the tambourine out then so I was spinning and dancing and whooping, keeping beat and throwing in little rhythmic flairs. We just had a party of two going on right then; we were in our element. And then, bam! There’s these four slim gay guys around us, and they’re dancing with me, and one of them is singing nonsense lyrics, and another one’s invoking the spirit of Stomp, and then there’s this one just leaning against a building, smoking a cigarette, watching, and when I saw him, I stopped breathing.

            I mean, he was Michael. Hair like terracotta and skin like sand and – the ridiculous part - eyes the color of blue highlighters. No joke. There he was, a tangible waif of a man in too-tight pants with a light sweater as if he weren’t in Florida, dragging on his cigarette so that the ember illuminated his face and the smoke curled through that red-brown hair falling into his face, hiding the ice of his languid stare. Michael. He just stood there with one arm folded over his chest, one foot against the wall, watching so that you knew he was watching without ever actually catching him at it.

            Well the dancing guys noticed what I was staring at – I mean, I’d just stopped mid-spin, mid-laugh – and they laughed at me and said, “Don’t worry about the old sourpuss! Come on, come on, get dancing!” So I did. I danced with them and laughed with them for their whole break – you’d think they’d be tired of dancing, but no - and I kept watch on “the old sourpuss” the whole time.

            Well, they had to get back to work, so they left us some money and asked us to come back another night. I told them we would, for sure. Michael tapped his cigarette out against the wall and led the rest of the dancers inside. Calez was still playing then; he actually more or less missed this whole episode. When it got late enough that we had to get back home, I had to explain what had happened to him. He agreed to come back to that spot partially for the money but mostly because he wondered why I was so eager about it. I mean, I explained to him what Michael looked like, but Calez just laughed and said, “I doubt that dancer’s prettier than you.”

            Well, so we came back the next night, and the dancers joined us again, and Michael watched again. So I elbowed Calez in the side when they came, and he opens his eyes and looks where I’m pointing him, at Michael. Calez’s flute gives this stutter, the wind getting knocked out of him, and I don’t know how, but Calez managed to recover in a beat, and he was right back to the flow of his melody like nothing happened. Michael noticed it, I think. He glanced up at Calez and gave this little nod.

            Well, the dancers left us money and followed Michael back in a little after that, and I said to Calez, “Well?”

             Now, Calez, he’s bi, so I was expecting him to have tingles in his stomach as much as I did. Well, Calez just watched the door to the club for a while, and finally he says, “Well. He’s striking.”

            I said, “Striking? Is that it?”

            Calez shrugged. “I can’t get excited about someone I don’t know.” Then he grinned and elbowed me in the side. “You’re prettier anyway,” he said.

            So I punched him in the arm for being stupid, and we jammed for a little longer before heading back home.

            We kept going down to that corner to jam at nights for pretty much the whole week before we were supposed to move in. It was addicting, in a way. There was one night where my mom decided she and I needed to spend an evening together “like a family” – as if we counted as one after dad left – before I headed off to college, so I couldn’t go to the club to jam. Calez went without me, mostly because I told him to, though, and he said that the dancers had shown up again and told him they were disappointed that I wasn’t there. I had spent the whole night just shaking, I wanted to be down there so badly. I asked Calez, “What about the blue-eyed one?”

            “He didn’t say anything.” I must have looked upset because he added, “He never does, Dani. He probably noticed you were missing, though. How could he not?”

            We were pretty much obligated to spend the night before we left with our parents, and I was planning on stopping in to see Calez’s folks then too since they’re as much mine as they are his. We made it a point to be at the club the night before that.

            We set up shop and started jamming, and a handful of hours later the dancers came out for their break, and Calez had this lively melody going on, and I had so much energy that night. We were glowing with the music, and the dancers noticed. They picked up on the energy, and they danced with me like they never had before. We were all just pure energy, writhing in between the waves of heat coming up off the sidewalk.

            While we were dancing, one of them asked, “Is this a special occasion?”

            I said, “It’s the last time we can be here!” They pretty much all gave some version of “No!” so I told them, “We’re supposed to move soon.”

            Well, Michael was leaning against the wall as usual when I said this, but he was also watching like usual, and he heard. He tamped out his cigarette on the wall; it was only half-finished. He stood up straight, stretched, and walked into our dancing circle, evolving from an aloof observer into a party creature not only wrapped up in the music but being pulled by it. It was as if every limb and joint were connected to the notes flying out of Calez’s flute; he moved to the music like it was a way of life, not just the act of dancing, and he let it pull him wherever it would.

            Once he was in the circle, our collective energy doubled, and we were a frenzy. The line outside the club started cheering, and some of them were clapping, and some of them were dancing, and the security guard couldn’t help but tap his foot, and it was beautiful. There was a transcendence in it.

            We probably could have kept up at that the whole night, into the morning, through the day; hell, we could have kept that up for the rest of our lives, if we had a chance. Calez cut us off, though. He wound the song down and stopped. All of us except Michael were pretty much caught mid-stride. Michael followed it down, though. He collapsed with it, subsiding.

            I turned to Calez, and I said, “What the hell, man?”

            He said, “There’s a guy in a business suit over by the club. He looks kind of pissed.”

            The dancers swore. One of them said, “Oh shit, break’s over.” They all hugged us and said they’d miss us and ran back over to the club, apologizing to the guy in the suit. All of them except for Michael. He was still standing with us.

            This was the first time I’d seen him up close, really, and I was hit by his overwhelming physicality. His simple physical presence in a space just obliterates anything else. He’s there, and that’s the only thought your mind can really hold. He’s there, and he’s real, and if you touched him, he’d be a firm, solid body under your hand. But you don’t dare to touch him because it would be too much. You’d be overloaded. Because he’s got the shoulders of Adonis, he’s “Venus as a Boy,” he’s an anchoring point in your space that leaves you crossing your legs and whimpering. And then, oh, and then he flashes you one of his cocky, winning smiles, and you know you should hate that confidence, hate the assured way he looks at people, but you can’t, and you melt. You’re not a person; you’re just a pile of jelly, wiggling giblets, and what is breathing again?

            Somewhere in there, your ears stop burning, and you remember that you have a pulse. You’ve got tunnel vision, but the helium in your skull is seeping away, and you realize he just said something to you. What he said is “Hi. I’m Michael. You guys are pretty good.”

            I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. Part of my brain knew I needed to be responding, but it couldn’t scrabble any language together.

            Calez said, “Thanks, man,” and it sounded normal if you didn’t know Calez, but I do, and I could hear a little breathlessness there.

            Michael flashed us a grin. He looked at us from the corner of his eye, looked at the guy in the business suit who was still standing outside the club, glaring at Michael now and tapping his watch, and then Michael swung his body around to us, looked us in our faces and said, “You wouldn’t happen to be off to college, would you?”

            I blinked. There was air in my lungs again. “Yeah,” I said. “We’re supposed to hit up state school. How’d you know?”

            He shrugged. “I been around. You’ve got that look.”

            Calez said, “You’ve been around? You can’t be much older than us. Three, maybe four years?”

            Michael laughed. “You’re sharp. What’s your name?”

            Calez gave him his real name – which I sure as hell ain’t telling you – and then asked him to call him Calez.

            “Calez?” Michael said.

            “It’s what Dani calls me.”

            Michael nodded to me. “I take it you’re Dani?”

            “Yeah. It’s a nickname, too, though. I don’t suppose Michael’s your real name?”

            “It isn’t.” He laughed. “It’s easier to not be found when no one knows your birth name.”

            “Why wouldn’t you want to be found?” Calez asked.

            Michael rubbed the back of his neck, furrowing his brows just a little, and I nearly died on the spot. “Aaaah. Well you know how society is. They find you, they make you live by their rules. You gotta get a job, or you can put that off with college, but either way you gotta get a job, and they mean a respectable job.” He laughed. “Thing is, if you stay in one place too long, even unrespectable jobs start making demands.” He glanced back at the man in the suit, who was fuming. “What say we go for a walk, lady and gentleman?”

            I tripped over myself agreeing while Calez said, “What about your job?”

            Michael just shrugged, beaming. “What job?”

            We gathered up our earnings, and Calez put his flute away. Michael hustled us away from that street, ignoring the shouts of the man in the business suit, and walked us down toward the water, making idle chat along the way. Mostly, he inquired about our lives, drawing out every fact about us that there was to know while deflecting almost every question we asked about him. Where was he from? Some Podunk town up north; nothing worth mentioning. Where did he live in Florida? Everywhere. How long had he been in Florida? Not as long as he normally stayed, but too long for his tastes. Where had he been before? Wherever his feet took him; wherever he could hitch a ride; anywhere with a clean bathroom and a free shower and whatever luxuries he could steal.

            “Steal?” Calez said.

            Michael shrugged. “It happens. So riddle me this, friends: why are you heading off to college? What do you aspire to that requires thousands of dollars’ worth of education?”

            Calez glanced at me, then raised his flute. “I have everything I need.”

            I just shrugged. “I dunno that we’re aspiring to anything in particular.”

            “Hmm. That sounds like a familiar story. Let me tell it to you.” He sat us down on pier where we could see the moon ripple in the ocean and stood with his back to it, so that it outlined him in white. “Once,” he said, “there was a scrawny little fag trying to eke out a life in the frozen northern hills. He wasn’t very good at it. He went through elementary and middle and high school struggling to find a way to live. He tried being straight, he tried being studious, he tried being hard-working. He couldn’t be straight because have you ever looked at a man’s hips? He couldn’t be studious because why put effort into something you don’t care about? And he couldn’t be hard-working because getting minimum wage to flip burgers just didn’t fill the gap in his life. Well, the people around him, they said he should go to college, get an education, become something based off that, so he looked into it. Of all the things in the world, he loved music and dance the most, so he sought out those paths, tried himself a university, tried to get the education and make the career. It didn’t click for him, though. He learned about the technicalities of music, but that wasn’t what he meant when he said he loved music. He learned every variety of dance they could teach him, but that wasn’t what he meant when he said he loved dance. When they gave him a project, he did what came natural, he let the love show, and they failed him. They failed him right out of their university, in fact. Well, he wasn’t such a little gay guy anymore. He’d grown into himself. He knew who he was, and who he was was too big for the frozen hills, that was for sure. So he left. He picked a direction and started walking, and when walking got too tiring, he started dancing, and he danced his way over the country.”

            He paused, looking us over. “Now,” he said, “I’m going to say it plainly to you because I’ve been watching this past week, and you two love music and you love dance, and you love it the way I do. The real way. So I’ll be plain with you. I’ve been wandering across this country for a few years now, and it’s a mixed bag of good and bad, but there’s something in the homelessness that lets you dance like you’ve never danced in your life. You’re unfettered, and there’s nothing but you and the music. All the same, it gets lonely when you’re crossing the interstate at three in the morning or squirreling yourself away under some bushes and hoping the next motel you see has an unlocked window. Had someone following me around for a while, but he tied me down to him, and I couldn’t dance the way I want to. He didn’t understand the music, so how could he be anything but cement boots for me? But you two. You two understand, I think. I don’t mean to be bold, but I intend to get out of this sticky city ASAP, and I wouldn’t mind some musical accompaniment, so let me ask you this: Do you want to live the life prescribed to you by society, or would you like to live the life given to you by music?”

            He laid a finger under each of our chins and looked us each in the eye in turn. Then he laughed and pulled away from us. “It’s a crazy thing to ask, but sometimes life is better crazy. I’ll come to this dock round midnight tomorrow night to say a fond ‘Fuck you!’ to good old Miami. If you’d care to break the mold, maybe you should be here. That’s all I’m saying.”

            He ruffled our hair and passed between us, lighting up a cigarette and swaggering away, disappearing into an alleyway. I noticed that he was wearing the same pants he had been when we first saw him. There was a hole in the sole of one of his shoes.

            Calez and I stared at each other. We said we’d think on it; we’d meet up elsewhere earlier to compare notes. I think, though, we already knew what our decision was. I wanted to go, even though it was crazy, or maybe because it was crazy, or maybe because I knew that if I didn’t go, Michael would disappear forever for me, and I couldn’t stand that thought. It closed my throat, thinking about it. And Calez? His face said he’d follow me. Because why would he go to a college when the only reason he was going there was to keep hanging out with me? That’d be pretty ridiculous.

            Still, it was a monumental decision, so we said we’d go home and think on it. So we laid awake all night – or I did – thinking on it. I couldn’t get the feeling of Michael’s physical existence out of my belly.

Well, when we got to the dock the following midnight, there was Michael silhouetted against the moon again. He was still wearing the same clothes, but the way he stood in them, he might as well have been wearing a fine tuxedo hand-woven from pure silk. He could make a trash bag look good, though.

            He saw us coming up, and the moon caught his teeth. He pierced us with those electric blue eyes and said, “To a new friendship.” He raised his arms up to Miami and gave it the double bird.

            I guess our families thought something had happened to us since neither of us had thought to leave a note. There was something of a police search, so we had to be pretty sneaky on our way out of Florida, but once we’d crossed into Georgia, it was easier going. After a few weeks when we figured the search for us would have calmed down some, Calez called his family and tried to explain it a little. They didn’t understand, but what was he going to do about that? They were just going to have to.

            By the time we’d crossed into Alabama, we’d already gotten used to each other. Calez and I could practically read each other’s minds in the first place, but it wasn’t long before Michael was in on it. It was as if we’d never been without him. He was just another one of our limbs. We were all each other’s limbs. We still are.

            In Tennessee, Michael asked why I didn’t call my mom. I said, “I don’t need that anchor.” He just nodded.

            So for the past few years we’ve just been wandering the country, jamming and dancing. Sometimes we take a job if we get stuck too far north or south in the wrong season, just so we can live a little easier. Not freeze to death. The usual. Most of the rest of the time, we gather up what we can, make some pocket change, try to look anything but homeless, and dance across the country.  We light up every state we cross. When Michael steps into a state, it gets butterflies, and Calez makes his flute sing so the butterflies dance and whirl and live, and then I flirt with all the butterflies and ask them if they’ll be me and Michael’s concubines, and then Michael laughs, and he kisses me and Calez on our open, laughing mouths, and the whole world is bubbling syrup and heat and music, and when we dance on out the other side of that state, all the boys and girls wake up in their beds, wondering at the dream and the heat between their legs and the music in their ears, and maybe tonight, maybe tonight, they’ll live. In spite of the rules. They’ll live.

            …So we aren’t vagrants, officer. We’re just musicians who dance across the country.

[jasongoldtrap]

City of Music, part 3

By Jason Goldtrap

March 3, 2022

Nashville was a City of Music long before Roy Acuff, Johnny Cash and Opryland USA. Music has played a part in shaping the city. With these articles, blending fact and fiction, I hope you will gain a sharper insight and appreciation of our heritage.

1864. December 16. The site of present day Nissan Stadium.

The fighting men are exhausted. A few years ago, they were farmers, tailors, shopkeepers but now they were just fodder in an unstoppable reign of death.

Levi Hartman is a mild manner man from Bell Buckle. He owned a rather prosperous dairy; the finest one in Bedford County. The War of Northern Agression brought only misery. He lost a son at Shiloh, a brother at Champion Hill, and most of his ranch hands in the wave of antebellum fervor.

The terror in his wife's eyes the first time she coughed up blood was seared into his brain.

Now all he had was a ratty uniform, boots with holes, a riffle, a rusted bayonet and a wooden cross he had whittled away during a blessed lull between battles.

Though constantly surrounded by fellow soldiers, he often felt alone.

He had lost too many friends to count. He wasn't even sure which city he was defending but looking south reminded him. The capitol building of Tennessee was pretty but the city reeked. It's cosmopolitan essence pillaged by brutal necessity.

His life was a drone of deadly duty.

Shoot. Duck. Reload.

Shoot. Duck. Reload.

Shoot. Duck. Reload.

Shoot. Duck. Reload.

The days became a blur.

His riffle reloaded he popped back over the fence and froze. A skein of white ducks had landed in the middle of the battlefield.

He didn't shoot. He couldn't. No one else did either. Each man, after popping out of the hole decided not to shoot.

In that moment, the war didn't matter. The strategic battle skipped over that lone corner of the woods.

"Anyone hungry duck soup?" shouted a Union private.

"For dessert, I got some oranges from Florida!" Levi retorted.

Both sides laughed.

A young man beside him shouted, "Pretty, ain't they?"

"They sure are, Johnny Reb!"

Levi began to lift up his riffle.

Another man stood next to him. He grabbed the riffle; forcing his fellow private to easy back.

Levi kept a weary eye on the odd scene.

The Union man shouted. "I'm... I'm... sorry I called you that. I've just lost my manners over the last few years."

"We've all lost. There are no winners here. Oh, my name isn't Johnny Reb; it's Franklin Comstock from Chicago, Illinois."

"You're kidding me! I'm from Peoria. I was a clerk for the local bank."

"I was a student at Northwestern. In March of 1861, I journeyed to Mobile,  Alabama to meet a friend. And, well, one thing led to another. Some illiterate gunnery sergeant threw gray pants at me and, there I was, a soldier."

From the Union side came a taunt: "Hey college boy; what'd ya study?"

"Um... I... um... don't think it's relevant. Let's talk about our current situation..."

Both sides started to boo.

A Confederate yelled, "I study whiskey and women!"

Both sides laughed hysterically. Many howled like wolves and whistled.

"Answer the question, college boy. Give us an education."

He cleared his throat, "Art History."

Once more the woods roared with laughter. Even the ducks that waddled about cocked their heads, confused by the commotion.

Frank elaborated, "For me, the right of the independent states was a natural growth of our..."

"Nobody cares!"

The trees rattled with laughter.

A voice behind Franklin yelled, "Is anyone from Vermont?"

The men on both sides looked around and shrugged until one of them shouted, "Quincy, Massachusetts."

All eyes turned to him.

He stood up and shook his head, "Bless me, Lord, I feel like I've been fighting in this stupid war my whole life."

The men sighed and agreed with him through mumbled replies.

Levi said, "You know, take off this blue and gray and aren't we all just men?"

They boisterously agreed with his sentiment.

He twirled a finger and sang,

"Sitting by the roadside on a summer's day

Chatting with my mess-mates, passing time away

Lying in the shadows underneath the trees

Goodness, how delicious, eating goober peas."

Both sides sang along,

"Peas, peas, peas, peas

Eating goober peas

Goodness, how delicious,

Eating goober peas."

A Union soldier jumped out of his trench.

"When a horse-man passes, the soldiers have a rule

To cry out their loudest, "Mister, here's your mule!"

But another custom, enchanting-er than these

Is wearing out your grinders, eating goober peas."

The two men joined arms and danced around.

"Peas, peas, peas, peas

Eating goober peas

Goodness, how delicious,

Eating goober peas."

"Just before the battle, the General hears a row

He says "The Yanks are coming, I hear their rifles now."

He turns around in wonder, and what d'ya think he sees?

The Tennessee milita, eating goober peas."

More men joined the dance.

"Peas, peas, peas, peas

Eating goober peas

Goodness, how delicious,

Eating goober peas."

"I think my song has lasted almost long enough.

The subject's interesting, but the rhymes are mighty tough.

I wish the war was over, so free from rags and fleas.

We'd kiss our wives and sweethearts, and gobble goober peas."

Levi happily clapped along.

"Peas, peas, peas, peas

Eating goober peas

Goodness, how delicious,

Eating goober peas."

"Oh!"

"Peas, peas, peas, peas

Eating goober peas

Goodness, how delicious,

Eating...."

Shots rang out. The war had returned.

Levi Hartman dove back into the trench. Men began falling beside him. Some screamed for their mothers as they stumbled into eternity.

A sharp pain flicked his throat. He put his hand to his neck.

As the ducks flew away, leaving some of their group behind, they wondered why humans would do such a thing.

They flew away desperately seeking a pond in which they could rest.

There they go,

Into the blue.