#maybe I should listen to my irl friends and find a different way outside tumblr to show what I can do

[zhuhongs]

なんか私の想いが溢れ出した. i went out with some friends last night and every time i go out i always realize just how bad i am at communicating and how bad I am with people. (long meandering post under the cut. feel free to ignore its unfocused and long.. like 2k words under there)

I’ve mentioned this before but I don’t really talk much irl. I don’t talk, I can’t connect properly. Every time I’m out with people I just feel fundamentally, like… different. So a group of my irls friends plus me were going to the movie theatre and I personally really hate movie theatres. I knew we were going to one and prepared myself thinking “oh it’ll be fine bc you'll be with friends, just enjoy their company '' But god I really hate movie theaters. It’s been so long, i forgot how much I really really hated them. They’re so loud and bright. I’d much rather watch a movie at home but tbh I also just don’t like movies bc I can’t sit through them and I can’t focus and I don’t get invested easily and I need to be doing something with my hands at all times. To make matters worse, my friend's friend that I really don’t like came along. I just, I don’t like her. She’s just too loud and attention seeking and childish. Like she says things for a reaction, like rlly not okay things sometimes and I just can’t stand her. like we went to see godzilla vs king kong and then entire movie she kept YELLING "IF THEY DONT KISS I WANT MY MONEY BACK" and i was like... you are 21 yrs old oh my god.. this isnt ur tumblr blog in middle school. shut up. But here’s the thing, I don’t know how to tell her or anyone that. Like I just can’t figure out a good way to say it, so I put up with it. Things like this just make me feel incredibly annoyed. I always talk on here about how if I have an issue with anyone, I’ll just say it like an adult. But in face to face situations I just don’t know how to say things. Well I do know how to say it - it’d be easy.  I just hate having to do it. Like I don't have to say the whole thing about how I don’t like her but when she says like “simp” when she’s nonblack I could just be like. “Hey don’t say that, here’s why” and I’m sure she’d stop. Yet I can’t bring myself to have that one moment of discomfort to tell her to stop yelling in my ear or stop saying things that make me annoyed. I feel useless in a way. ちゃんとできない。 ちゃんと伝えない。During the entire movie I was thinking to myself that I’d rather be home watching a drama by myself and doing hw. I also hate going out for other reasons. I hate being seen. I hate my appearance. I know I don’t have to be pretty, I only need to exist for me. Like wow, I just have so many body image issues, and they all manifest heavily as soon as I go out in public. 

But afterwards I changed my mind a bit. There was a moment where we were outside running around in the street and it reminded me of that one scene in AIB episode one with Chota, Karube, and Arisu in the street and I was rlly like… wow… maybe human connection really is good. It doesn’t matter if I’m pretty or good at talking, sometimes, to laugh and be silly wth others is all you need to make your night. Just one moment, just one person really is all it takes. We all went out for dinner afterwards and it was really really fun. I enjoyed it, there really is something about eating with someone that brings you closer to them.  

The entire time though, I didn’t talk much. I don’t really know when to cut in in a conversation to a point where it feels right. I feel like by saying my piece I’m interrupting others just to say something that wasn’t really of any use. Really, I prefer silence with others. I’m bad at talking in social situations but I’m great at talking in classes and at work because of the context. Because I’m expected to engage there. The pretense is different. Like you’re supposed to contribute in those places. It’s acceptable to talk there. But for me, it doesn’t really feel acceptable to just share about myself like that in a social group setting. I wish I could always communicate like how I am doing here. It’s so much nicer online. I get to post my full complete thoughts without bothering any of you. My words can easily be disregarded and just flipped through. It’s passive. Posting is passive, talking is active. And sometimes, people don't really want to talk to others, they just want to say their piece. Like when talking about their problems, often we just want to say it and the act of saying those words is all we need. We don’t want input, it annoys us. I don’t like to cut in, and I can never find the right words to say. Even right now, none of this feels like it’s coming out correctly. None of my words feel like they’re coming out correctly nowadays, but this is the only way I know how to be. If I can’t post my thoughts on here, even if they come out crooked and ugly, I may never speak again. I have to keep talking, and typing, and trying otherwise I’ll never get any better. And I know it’s okay to do things wrong, but still, I can’t let myself do that. Again, I do fine when I’m at work and school. I’m functional, normal, you would never be able to tell how much is going on in my head. But in private, I may never speak again if I wasn’t spoken to. 

When I was younger, around 12 or 13, I remember something a friend posted on my first online community. They posted, quite honestly, that they never wanted to meet anyone on there irl. No matter how close we are, it would never be the same IRL. I didn’t get that sentiment at the time. To me, why wouldn’t you want to see your friends everyday in person? That would be great. But I think I get it now. I’m afraid that if I ever met any of you someday it wouldn’t be the same. I’m not really the same in person. I’m bad at talking, bad at connecting. I’m not a proper person. But I feel like that’s okay. It’s okay to just exist on here as I am. While my friend was talking to me on our drive back to her place (we carpooled) she was telling me about her life. And she was apologizing like “oh I’m sorry I keep talking about myself” but quite honestly I was glad to just be able to listen. At some point my friend kept asking me what was up so I decided maybe I’ll tell them the arcane secrets of how I’ve been into guardian and how all the characters rlly hit for me for personal reasons. That was really the only thing I thought that was of note to tell her about. Really I don’t think I’ve done or felt much new since I last talked to her. But as I was trying to explain I just wasn’t doing it right. She just didn’t get it and trying to talk about something like that just made me embarrassed to the point where I just dropped it and tried to just say, “oh yea, you got it, that’s it.” and move along bc I didn’t think she’d get it. She’s the type that doesn’t really get how you can make meaningful connections online. So whenever I try to talk to her about certain things, it just doesn’t register. I’ve learned to choose my battles. I didn’t really think she wanted to get it. So I didn’t tell her. I tried telling her about stuff I liked in the past and I just always stop halfway through. I can’t communicate properly. I can’t speak in a way that I think is worthy of being heard. So I don’t talk. It frustrates me to no end. It feels like everyone else can do it so easily, that I’m the wrong one. 

I had another friend from Uni message me about something and she was like “so what’s new with you, twin” (we have similar bdays and get along well so we call each other that) and tbh I just, didn’t know what to tell her. I had talked to her in a long time, so things had happened but nothing so easily said that I could just tell her over text. SO I just was like “work, school, yk how it is” and yea. I really am the one choosing not to let people in. It frustrates me to no end but I don’t know what a good starting point is ever. I feel like I should just send all my IRLS my long reflection essays next time they wanna know what's up. All the secrets to why I am the way I am are in there.

I’m scared of telling people how I feel about anything. IRL when I say something I often speak quietly, moreso like I’m only talking to myself. People often don’t hear what I had to say. And I don’t repeat myself. If it was something someone didn’t hear, in my head, that means that it wasn’t important enough to repeat. I’m afraid of talking and being misunderstood and never being able to be interpreted the way I mean. I want to convey all my thoughts correctly the first time. So i don’t repeat myself, not bc I’m mad at the person who didn’t hear me. It’s not about them, it’s about me. I don’t believe my words to be worth repeating. I don’t want anyone to stop the conversation for me. Just keep going, it won’t come out the right way anyways. I was taking a uquiz a week or so ago and one question was “what power do you want” and one option was smth like the power of comprehension. Which would make it so every time you spoke, that person would understand you the way you intended. That is the most ideal power for me to ever possess like it was unreal. I’m still thinking about that quiz. It was good.

I know that I’m worth being listened to and that my words are valuable enough to be heard but I don’t want to do that. I’d rather listen. I only like talking when it’s safe like it is here. I’m trying my best to get better though. I keep saying that I want to be a proper adult. I want to live right and without regrets and i really think communication is key to that. I’m trying. It’s hard but I’m trying. But still, I can only talk here a lot.  I can’t talk any other way. I don’t tell my friends about my interests, it embarasses me to no end. 

Being on here is comforting though. When I talk about stuff like this, I always see a lot more people than usual like my post. I feel like you can all relate. Really, people are more similar than not. We all have very similar burdens and pains and baggage. It’s comforting, I'm not alone. My words might be able to help someone. Because when all of you talk about the same things, i also feel seen and comforted and since we are so similar, then the same is true for the things I say.

But anyways, I did a lot of listening tonight, and it reflects the sentiment above. People are the same. I was listening to my friend’s friend talking about her mom earlier and the entire time, I really resonated with what she was saying. I got it. Her mom’s situation was really similar to my own mom’s situation in the past. And I was just amazed at how I barely knew this girl but I felt really similar to her. I saw her differently after learning all that. It was really a great thing. ANd on the way home, my friend was telling me about her life recently and some things andi really understand what she was going through. I didn’t say anything, because again, I don't like to interrupt. And when I try and be like ‘oh me too, it's the same for me too” I feel like I’m derailing. I know I’m not but I really think she needed to say her piece. So I let her. But the entire time, I thought about the things in my life that were the same as what she was feeling and it was beautiful. Life and human bonds are beautiful. Even when they are hard and messy and annoying, people all want the same things. They want to be loved and seen and understood. And in those moments when we feel seen, it’s worth more than any of those complicated feelings that come along with it. Not to be cheesy but wow… in order to reap the rewards of being loved, you really do need to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known. I was glad I didn’t stay home watching a drama. I was glad that I went out. No matter how alienated I feel from others, there’s still merit in being around other people. No matter how much others may misunderstand you and annoy you, they are almost always worth more than being alone. That;s because deep down, we’re all the same.

I’m not good at reminding myself that. As I said here, I don’t let people see me. I don’t let people in, I’d rather keep them out. I’m a picky, boring person. I don’t like people easily and I don’t tell them much. I stay inside my own head and I don’t like to come out. I was raised that way. But people are worth it. Communication is worth it, no matter how hard. It’s all worth it. I need to try harder so I can be a person who is able to see and enjoy more beauty in this world. I spent my hr long drive home listening to music and ruminating on these thoughts, trying to plan out all the words I wanted to say here. I don’t think I said any of it right. I’m not satisfied with how I write nowadays. But writing, talking, conveying emotions, all of these things are worth doing. So no matter how crooked and awkward it comes out, I will keep doing it. It is my goal. 

[katie-writes24]

Last Chance

Pairing: Alexander Hamilton x reader

Warnings: Language, suggestive material, brief religious content ig, angst, fluff, weddings, bad officiant script (if that makes sense), irl it’s kinda wrong but just go with it.

Part 2

I’ll just get straight to the point, Taylor Swift was the cause of this..... That’s it! You’re welcome, enjoy! Lemme know if you want to be tagged. Oh and also, can we appreciate that I finally figured out to put the ‘keep reading’ feature on because I finally set tumblr up on my computer? Yay me, this is a life changer you don’t even know!

As a kid, Y/N would be dragged to church every Sunday, told to represent her supposedly "religious" family. Her mother would force her into a dress, always reminding her to "sit like a lady" since there were always boys present, and you just never know. They would go and learn about the god above, be thankful that they were brought here, cheer his name. 

When she was fourteen, she went into church on a Monday, this time for a funeral. She automatically noticed the change in tone, obviously, but since then she looked at churches a bit different. They weren't praised as much, they held an entire different meaning, one that wasn’t very happy at all. No, she learned that churches could be just as devastating as celebratory. 

Like now, where people gathered in front of the steps, mingling and wearing expensive clothing. There was a truck on the lawn, workers were shoving different table sets across the road, where a large tent was set up. There was a group of people laughing a couple feet away, all looking down at a little girl with a white dress on. A stretch limousine rolled around and a few women climbed out with grace, all wearing the same pale color. 

Truly devastating. 

Y/N tugged at her own dress, hoping that the simple color would at least help her blend in with the crowd. Maria had told her it would be just fine, and it’s not like a new fancy dress was in her budget. 

Besides, it’s not like anyone here cares about her appearance. They’re not here for her. In fact, she hadn’t found one familiar face yet, which should be a good thing, but Y/N couldn’t help but wonder how many of these guests both parties even knew. 

“Would you ever get married?” 

He scoffed, “Marriage isn’t very meaningful is it, why should I have to document my love for you? As long as we both know it right?”

“Okay...I guess you’re right, but I wouldn’t mind seeing you in a nice tux.” She wiggled her eyebrows, but it didn’t bother him. 

“Is that all you’d want a wedding for? Because I will gladly put on a fancy tux if it meant you’d be down to-”

“Shut up! No, that’s not all. I’d like one, I’d think it’d be nice. It wouldn’t even have to be a big one.” She could see them by the beach, perhaps even getting married at the courthouse and use their money to blow on a big dinner after. She wouldn’t even mind a service in their apartment, it’s roomy. 

“Well, not like I have anyone for a big wedding anyways…”

She sat down next to him and stroked her fingers through his hair. “We’d invite our friends. I could invite my mom, you know she loves you. We don’t need a bunch of people to have a wedding.”

“Good, because I don’t want a giant guest list where there are different number tables and- a full service and a grand ceremony. I just...I just want you.”

She wonders how much of this is total bullshit. 

From where she’s standing, Y/N doesn’t think anyone would approach her. The lake is quite breathtaking, but the crowd is full of anxiousness and people are patiently waiting for the ceremony to start by the front of the church. 

Some people pass her by, and she picks up on certain terms, like how “beautiful the church is” or “she picked out the perfect dress, Philip was crying it was so pretty” and her favorite “just wait till you see this guy, they are just perfect for each other.”

Perfect. 

“I told you I can’t dance.”

“And I was a fool to not believe you. My feet are killing me,” He smirked and then laughed as she hit his shoulder. 

“Fuck off! Why are we doing this again?” She looked up at the sky that cracked before her, grey clouds mushing together.

“Because dancing in the rain is on my bucket list,” He twirled her around, pulling her close when she fumbled out of the turn. 

“Okay, what does that have to do with me? You’re telling me all your years before we met you couldn’t have gone outside and danced?” She grimaced as she felt drops of water against her skin. 

“Maybe I was waiting for the perfect person to do it with?” A hand wrapped around her waist and she chuckled. 

“Perfect? I am far from perfect,” They met each other’s stare and she got butterflies just seeing that look in his eye. 

“Well, then this is perfect,” The rain started to beat against the cement below them. “You and me, here right now, together. It’s perfect.”

Lost in her own thoughts, she didn’t hear anybody approach until they called her name. Y/N turned her head a little too fast, scared that she would be caught, there would be a giant scene, and then she would lose her chance at-

At what exactly? She didn’t know either.

“That’s really you, isn’t it?”

Hercules always was so welcoming, she never felt out of place when she was around him. In fact, he actually had a small smile on now, dressed nicely in his, most likely own, tailored suit. 

“Hey, Herc,” Y/N gripped her own arm, unsure if it was appropriate to go in for a hug. “You look nice.”

“Thank you, I made it myself.” He chuckled and opened his arms, allowing her to view his form. He looked just the same as she had seen him almost two years ago. 

“It’s definitely you! Did that business of yours ever hit it off with the investors?” Maybe she was aiming for small talk in hope of a distraction, she wasn’t ready for the obvious to be out in the open just yet. 

“No, but I’m working with something better. Got a lot of new line ups, good people to work with…” Hercules  trailed off with a fond smile on his face. 

“I’m really happy for you, Herc. You deserve it!” 

He smiled, “What about you? What have you been up to?”

Y/N winced and tried not to fidget. “Still working for the same place, I actually got a promotion a couple months ago, so I’ve been busy with that...But everything else has been...things are going well.” 

Hercules nodded, and just like a wave, tension flooded the air around them. 

Y/N refused to look up and meet his eyes, to either see full curiosity, disappointment or any other mood that would just make her feel sick to her stomach, will have her asking the same question over and over to herself. However, the silence couldn’t stay too long. 

“Y/N, what...why are you here?” 

An older woman was yelling at a worker, wanting more champagne for the bride's suite. She was aggressive, and yet the guests around her weren’t baffled at her behavior in the slightest. Y/N hated entitlement, hated more when the rich forgot that other people aren’t as fortunate enough as them. 

Y/N also hated that Hercules was still staring at her while she was wondering if her own mother would be so stressed as to the point of lashing out at others. 

“How long have they been engaged?” She finds herself asking only to quiet her thoughts of if they were stuck in one place and never seemed to want more. 

“Eight months,” Hercules sighed, never being one to push and always being honest. “Eliza’s sweet, she has a good heart. She’s loyal-”

Ouch.

“And she makes him happy.”

“Do you think we were ever… not happy?” Her eyes finally met his, instantly going soft and trying to word his answer carefully, even though Y/N could see a straight answer on his face. 

“I think...you guys worked around each other well. I think you enjoyed each other’s company, and maybe you might have been in love once, but that’s in the past. Right now, over a hundred people are going to celebrate what’s best for him and Eliza…”

He’s not marrying you, he’s not with you. 

It was something unspoken, but Y/N knew that was what Hercules was trying to get at, letting her know that her presence was unwelcome and that this was for the best. 

Why was she here? Why did she think that today would be the day to confess her feelings that never drifted away? Why was she so selfish, and think that her happiness was more important than-

Someone approaches them rather quickly, and it makes her turn and brace for an attack. 

Instead, it’s just John. 

“What are you doing here? You’re not supposed to be here, you weren’t invited!” He was loud and he was causing a scene, something Y/N definitely did not want. He actually looked like he was about to jump her, but before he could move any closer Hercules puts his arm on John’s chest to block him. 

“Relax, John,” Hercules looked back at her with a pointed look. “Y/N was just leaving.”

There was a pause, and she almost believed that yes, she was leaving. This was her cue, no one wanted her here, she wasn’t supposed to be here. Who is she to ruin a wedding? How could she do something so terrible?

“You should move in,” He ran his hand over her back, listening to her slow breaths. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah. It’d be nice, having you here all the time?” He knew she was drifting off and probably wasn’t even registering what he was saying. He was proven wrong when she raised her head to look at him in the dark light. 

“I guess it wouldn’t hurt seeing you all day,” Y/N smirked as he nudged her with his leg. She kissed his chest and smiled down at him. “If I move in, there’s no turning back. Rent is too high for me to be switching back and forth.”

“I couldn’t think of anywhere else I'd want you to be.”

Y/N gave him a curt nod, walking backwards a bit before fully turning around. She walked all the way pass the church, passed the parking lot, all the way down to the end of the lake. She was out of sight. 

But there was no way she was leaving. There was no way she was going to give up her last chance. 

Even from where she stood, she could hear the beats of the traditional wedding music pick up, cheers from the crowd pick up as everyone hustled inside. 

Her feet moved before she could even make a decision. 

There was an elderly couple just walking into the room, and luckily the man held the door open for her. She thanked him and took the grand venue in. On each bench there was a bouquet of flowers, a white row leading up to the altar. It was packed, and Y/N could only imagine how many people she was about to shock. 

She sat in an empty aisle seat in the back, and finally realized that Eliza was just reaching the top of the stairs, kissing her fathers cheek before he gave her over to him. 

“Should I get a haircut?”

“No. I like it the way it is. You have nice hair, it’s soft and always so full. Why would you want to chop it off?” She caressed said hair. 

“Eh, it’s too long. I think it’s a hassle to work with when I’m getting ready for work. I don’t know…” He looked in the mirror with a pained face. She came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his chest, leaning her cheek on his back. 

“Well, personally, I like it. But it is your hair. You know I’d love you either way.”

“Are you just being biased?” 

“Mmh, well, I can’t say I don’t like having something to pull on.” She tugged and he whimpered before turning and kissing her, a full grin on his face. 

He looked just like Y/N imagined him. In fact he hasn’t changed, except maybe the circles under his eyes got a bit darker. His hair was neatly wrapped in a ponytail behind his head, sharp tux on, a smile on his face.

Except none of that was for Y/N, it was for another woman. 

Swallowing back the lump in her throat she cleared her throat, tapping her foot nervously as the officiant started speaking. 

“We are gathered here today to celebrate the love of Alexander and Elizabeth.”

“Stop being such a poor sport.”

“You so cheated! You know what, it’s fine. Because I know what really happened.”

“I’ll tell you what happened: Mr. Hamilton sucks at Mario Kart!”

“You take that back!”

“Through their time together, they have realized that their goals and dreams are more meaningful through a combined effort and mutual support provided in love.”

“I’m proud of you.”

“It’s not a big deal.”

“You got promoted, Alex! You’ve come so far since we met. You work so hard, you stay late at work, you stress yourself out far too much for my liking. But you got exactly where you wanted to be! And from here you can only go up! I’m proud of you!”

He smiled, kissing her knuckles and thanking her. 

“As we create this marriage, we create a new bond and a new sense of family.”

“I hope our kids have your eyes.”

“If we’re thinking about children, I have no problem shoving them right back if they don’t look exactly like you.”

“Alex, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I’m just saying. Your eyes, your nose, I even want them to be as witty as you.”

“I hope they don’t have your sense of style.”

“Hey!”

“Now, before we begin the vows, if anyone can show just cause why this couple cannot lawfully be joined together in matrimony-”

“You’re acting crazy!”

“No, I’m acting reasonable! You can’t seriously think that you were just going to let this go?”

“Where are we going, Y/N? We’re stuck in this one spot, and I can’t do it anymore!”

“Then don’t!”

“Let them speak now, or forever hold their peace.”

“I think I’m falling in love with you…” She wiped the tears from her eyes as he held her closely to his chest. “And I’m terrified.”

Y/N stands without letting herself have any more doubts. 

Almost immediately, attention is drawn. There are gasps in the crowd, one woman even let out a horrid yell. The man sitting a couple feet away even scoffs, like Y/N’s idea was ridiculous. It’s enough commotion that causes the bride and groom to look her way. 

Warmth filled her as his brown eyes connected with hers. 

It went in flashes, Alexander’s emotions. First he was a bit confused, almost as to why their loved ones were making such noise. Then, it was anger, finally realizing that it was because someone was objecting to his wedding. And as their eyes connected, it was like he was sad. 

Maybe it was because he hasn’t seen her since she walked out. Maybe it was because she was ruining his special day. Maybe it was because he knew she lost her chance years ago, and that even he knew it was too late. 

Maybe it was because he knew the outcome of this. 

Y/N took a shuddering breath, before saying the three words that could easily crush the hearts of everyone in this room. But she ignored the appalled crowd, she ignored the angry face of John right next to Alex, she didn’t even want to see how broken Eliza must look right now. 

Instead, she focused on the very small quirk of Alexander’s lips, the small chance of hope that was promised. 

[aziraphaleandcrowley]

Tldr: me word vomiting lots of random emotions and thoughts I’ve been having about my life. Would put under a read more but tumblr mobile is shite. Ignore if you wanna, I just needed to throw this into the world cos I’ve been so socially distant from everyone in my life that I haven’t spoken to anyone about this, and I’m not sure I would’ve even if I actually replied to my friends more than once in a blue moon

...............................................................

Me: honestly convinced I’m never gonna find romantic love cos I’m ace and probably aro - at the very least I’ve never been attracted to/interested in someone enough to want to date them and the whole being sexually attracted to someone and looking a people and wanting to have sex with them sounds fake and doesn’t resonate with me at all.

Me: is theoretically a very sex favourable and positive person but the idea of sex with someone I’m not dating is just so weird to me but damn do I wish there was someone who knew me and my likes and dislikes to be intimate with

Me: is super duper disappointed to not experience love/sex but is simultaneously doing literally zero to create opportunities cos I just don’t speak to anyone outside of my family and colleagues, and the one single guy I had any interest in at work is gay and has left.

Me: reads fanfic constantly and I’m now wondering whether it is beneficial in distracting me from my loneliness or enhancing it. I think both. I think I need a break from fanfic at the very least but honestly don’t know what I’d do without it cos it’s been my go to hobby for so many years and I legit read for 30+ hours a week and that’s soo much time to fill???

Me: really doesn’t want to have kids in the future cos I don’t understand kids in the slightest and pregnancy is terrifying and I still feel like a child myself and I know this is something which may change in the future but I don’t think so and my mum bringing up wanting grandkids on a near weekly basis recently is kinda starting to put me on edge cos I’m already starting to feel like a disappointment cos I’m an only child and I’m the only opportunity for grandkids - which I know is ridiculous but it how I feel and that’s valid

Me: with my grandad in hospital (he’s gonna be fine, he would be out of hospital if he actually did what the doctors and nurses said about doing exercises etc) it has made me think about the family I do have which is: my mum, my dad, my grandad and my uncle. That’s it. I have two other uncles and several cousins etc who I see maybe once a year but they don’t really count.

Me: has a handful of really amazing friends who I haven’t spoken to in months and I don’t even really know why. They’ve all messaged me and I just havent replied. I’m not trying to actively push them away like I did with a friend in the past who I just felt drained with in the end whenever we interacted, but honestly every time I get a message I just feel exhausted at the prospect of ongoing social interaction. And it’s silly cos I know exactly the kind of thing I could message people about to start a conversation, like I could talk to Emily about finally watching Hamilton and how it’s been two weeks and I’m still listening to song on repeat and how she was right about how good it is and yet it’s been a week and a half since I’ve thought about sending that message and yet I haven’t and just uggghhhh @me

Me: is horrified by the idea of being alone for life romantically, and knowing that between my ever dwindling family and me not talking to my friends that being alone if more likely that I ever want to think about

Me: wants to live a happy life of my own but don’t know how to. I want to move out but can’t afford to on my own and it’s super impractical when I can live with my parents for £20 per week for food. But god forbid if anything happens to one of my parents I’m gonna be stuck at home forever cos I have so little family and my parents have literally no one else to turn to.

Me: wants to do a masters in gender and sexuality studies writing about representations of asexuality on screen but I know I could write and entire book which would be great for phd level but I missed the deadline to apply cos June was crazy and all I’ve been doing recently is working 6 days a week then working on my car for a day before working another 6 days. And even if I did a masters and maybe eventually a phd I have no idea what I’d actually do with it? I have so little ambition for anything right now and the future is just a void of mystery in which I don’t even know what I want???

Me: is starting to think I might actually be kinda depressed. I’ve thought it on and off for longer than I’ll ever admit but I’d do quizzes online and they’d say I wasn’t so I didn’t really think too much more about it (and yes I know an online quiz is shit and means nothing but there’s no one I would want to talk to about it cos I feel like I have to be strong for the people around me and shit but yeah). I know I’m not happy, but that doesn’t necessarily equal depressed. All I know is I’m uninspired and I feel kinda empty. Doing stuff I do enjoy, if I actually do it, just makes me feel tired half the time so I end up trying to nap instead but then I don’t sleep great either, waking up in the night or when my dad is getting ready for work so I very rarely get a solid 8 hours of sleep. I’m irritable a lot too...

Me: even if I am depressed what does it matter? Like it does matter ofc, but my mum is on media for depression and it’s taking her weeks to get an appointment with the doctor to try and get a different dosage. I’m not a danger to myself or others, I’m unhappy, but who isn’t with COVID going on and there are people who need mental health services more than me. Which is really hypocritical of me to say cos I’ve told my best friend so many times that trauma and mental health etc aren’t competitions of who has it worse but it’s the truth. Also my mum and colleagues access the only mental health resources in town and I do not want to deal with interactions with people I know whilst trying to improve my mental health.

Me: I don’t know how many times I’ve said it in posts like this but something needs to change. I was set on a good course at the start of the year. I was getting out, socialising, doing new things, inspired to cook, learn to new music and change my lifestyle, and then COVID happened and since all of that has slowly drained away and I need to find a change to revitalise that. I’d hoped getting back to having driving lessons and working on my car would be a start, and to be fair it’s been less than two week since I restarted doing that, so maybe I can find a new spark of inspiration still. Within a couple of months I will pass my driving test. Hopefully it won’t take much longer than that to get my car finished and on the road (hopefully it’ll take two weeks to finish putting the rear end back together so we can finally get my car back on four wheels, then it’s just lots of little jobs which hopefully won’t take too long). The weather is supposed to be decent this week so I might work up the effort to go for a walk down the fields which always seems to relax me a little. And the cinema reopens at the end of the month so I’d finally have an excuse to get out of the house (I know COVID is not over and things should not be going back to normal any time soon, but I need to do something other than go work for 4 hours everyday and spend 90% of my time at home and most of that time in bed because I have nowhere else to go). I don’t know what else I can be hopeful for in the coming weeks but that’s a start and just listing them out here has made me feel a little better so.

I keep thinking about Patrick from Schitt s Creek, leaving his hometown to escape a life which didn’t fit him and finding everything he needed in a tiny town in rural Canada, and wishing I could do the same, but I know I’d just end up even more alone because I am not a social person in the slightest and don’t kno how to be despite knowing that me making changes is the only way to improve myself.

And then a line from Hamilton about death is easy, living is harder, and I want to make it abundantly clear that I do not in any way, shape or form want to die, but living is hard and I have an easy life. I have enough money that I was able to loan my dad the money to buy a car, and still have more savings after that than he does, I have a good that if not particularly well paid I do enjoy and I’m good at, my family live me in their own way, even tho I feel that part of my social distance and reluctantance towards others is because no one in my family is particularly socially inclined.

Maybe I just really need a hug.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore but I just had so much build of of words in my brain that they had to go somewhere and this has turned into my go to word vomit place

Things will get better. I don’t know when or how but they will. But they won’t if I don’t get enough sleep for a starters. So off to bed I go. If you’ve read all this thank you, I guess, for listening cos I’m not sharing this with anyone irl just yet. And I’m sorry this is so long but tumblr mobile doesn’t let me put in a read now but I want this out in the world even tho no one will see it

[actuallyrandomperson]

I wanna ramble about how I experience dysphoria as a genderfluid person for a bit, and my identity in general, so I figured Tumblr was a good place to do it.

So, for starters, I should probably clarify how I'm fluid, as all of us are a little different in how we experience gender. I was assigned female at birth, and, to be completely honest, I wish I was amab. This shocks some people, especially as I tend to sit on the female/demigirl/nonbinary side of things, but it's true. Realistically, I know my life would be a lot different if I had been, and I would have experienced a different set of struggles, but in an idealistic world, where nothing would change about me except the way my body looked and what pronouns were used for me, I'd want to be assigned male. I could not care less what genitals I have, especially since I'm ace so it has no real effect on how I'm gonna live my life, this relates back to the two other most obvious issues with being afab: Periods, and boobs.

I hate getting my period. As most people do. I don't even have particularly painful ones, just some semi-bad cramps on the first day or two, but I hate it anyway. 9 times out of 10 I'm non-binary on the first day of my period. Whether that's related to hormone levels or some subconscious part of my brain whispering "hey periods suck being a girl sucks why were u born a girl", I do not know. I just know it happens.

I also hate my boobs whenever I'm not female. Including when I'm demigirl. I don't hate the idea of boobs in general when I'm demigirl, and don’t think I need to be completely flat-chested to feel happy when I’m non-binary (but that could come back to me doubting I’ll get fully flat without surgery), I just hate my boobs. That is because I am incredibly busty, especially for someone who is 5'1/155 cm tall. I'm an Aus 10G/US 32I, I have small shoulders (my straps slip down no matter how tight we pull them), and a large part of what made figuring out my gender identity hell was the constant question of whether me hating my boobs was an ace thing (not wanting to be constantly sexualised) or a gender thing. My best fitting bra actually helped me figure that out, as reportedly it made me look smaller (i.e. technically less likely to be sexualised) but it had the side benefit of making my boobs, well, actually look like boobs, and when I looked at myself in the mirror I wanted to claw my eyes out. So. 90% of the time I hate my boobs because they're so big, and 100% of the time I hate my period.

You might be sitting here, reading this, and going "but Em, are you sure you're genderfluid? Not just demigirl or nonbinary or agender or any of the other non-binary identities?" My answer to that is, well, sorta no. And sorta yes. No, in the fact that I've never been sure about anything in my life. Maybe time will go on, and I'll begin to identify with some other label, or no labels at all. Yes, in the fact that genderfluid feels right right now, and that's all that matters. Humans change. In turn, labels can change too. Hell, as a genderfluid person, my labels technically change on almost a day to day basis! That doesn't make my feelings and my identity at any single moment any less valid. It also doesn't mean that long term, I'll wake up one day and realise that I actually just identify with x gender. It just means that it could happen, and that’s ok, just as it's okay that my identity is changing constantly at the moment. Side note, while we're talking about labels- you also don't need to identify with one! I personally like to use them, as they bring me comfort, but everyone is different, and y'all who choose not to use labels for whatever reasons are entirely valid.

I have 4 main types of day, gender-wise. Days where I feel like a girl, days where I feel kinda like a girl, days where I feel non-binary, and days where my gender is that 'women' shrugging emoji (that I use all the time because long hair babeyyyy also their shirt is purple on iOS and purple rules). Day 4 I mostly lump under demigirl, as with day 2. Day 3 could probably be most accurately described with agender, or a similar identity label, but I find it personally easiest to just refer to myself as non-binary on said days.

In a hard to explain way, I feel as though I experience less dysphoria on days where I am demigirl than on days where I am fully female. This is not entirely accurate, and is almost certainly as a result of me having unintentionally put in place coping mechanisms for said days in terms of how I present myself for years now, and probably isn’t the right terms for me to use, but it's true.

You see, I dress in a fairly gender-neutral way. My presentation has still always come off as feminine, as I love my long hair and enjoy nail polish, but I've always hated shaving, and I avoid wearing dresses and skirts as much as possible in my day-to-day. I don't mind wearing dresses etc when I'm demigirl, I just don't gravitate towards them, and when I'm demigirl I generally present as a not-overly feminine girl whose a little uncomfortable with their body shape and likes to be comfy, and wears heels in an effort to be taller rather than as a fashion statement.

But when I'm fully a girl, I often love being feminine. I usually want to wear dresses/skirts, and jewellery, and lipstick (not any other makeup though, years of dance and stage makeup ruined me- if someone puts it on for me and it's not heavy/powdery I'm not actively adverse, though), and have my hair braided, and generally just to Get Prettied Up. But that’s not 'me' to other people. That’s not the person I've presented myself as for years. I've spent my entire life catering to my demigirl and non-binary days because they're more common, and whenever I do lean into my feminine self on girl days my family and a lot of my friends are kinda surprised. I wore lipstick and nice clothes to two separate movie hangouts with two different friends, and one of them (who I hadn't seen in a while, to be fair) commented on how it was unusual for me while the other looked visibly surprised. It's not a coincidence that the two irl people I'm out to outside of my schools lgbt+ club are my brother and my best friend- both of whom complimented me (in a non-creepy way with my brother slvjfk) when they saw me wear lipstick for simple things last year, without making a big deal out of it. My mum still acts shocked and gets excited about me being feminine when I express an interest into buying clothes from a particular brand (Princess Highway/Dangerfield in general, for my fellow Aussies, as I don’t think they exist in the US) even though I've been getting presents from there for a few years now. She's talked about slowly starting to replace my clothes with 'fashionable stuff' from places like Dangerfield as the years go on now that I've 'expressed an interest in nice clothes' and I feel anxiety start to ball up in my stomach, because I don't want to wear fashionable clothes all the time, because fashionable for me, closeted and big-chested as I am, means feminine. When I present or show interest in presenting in a more feminine way on my female days, my mother and a few people I'm surrounded by unintentionally make me feel guilty about not wishing to present like that all the time, make my dysphoric for my future and past self, and make me doubt myself as a genderfluid person because I wish to present as my birth gender on one day.

So rather than dealing with all that, I don't present in a more feminine way unless I'm going out, and even then, avoid wearing lipstick if my mum is home, or coming with me. If I can, I'll stick a tube into my bag to apply when I get to wherever I'm going, but it's not always possible. I have Safiya Nygaard’s colourpop collection hidden away in my room. I continue to present myself in a way that aligns more closely in my mind to my demigirl days, with the slight change of being able to actually look at myself in the mirror for extended periods of time, being ok with my slightly more tight-fitting tops, and being chill with wearing my best bra. And I feel, as a whole, dysphoric on these days. I am not happy with how my gender presentation is, because it does not reflect how I want to present. Dysphoria is probably not the exact right term to use to describe these feelings, given I'm afab but it is the easiest way for me to put it, as it most closely reflects the unhappiness I feel with my presentation on my non-binary days, it's just my non-binary days come with a whole lot more body-related dysphoria piled on top. A song I like to listen to on female days is Platform Ballerinas, by MIKA, as it helps remind me that I am a girl, and the way I'm presenting as a girl is valid even if it's not exactly how I want to (it doesn't actually fully come back to societal expectations placed on women because I might shave my armpits but my leg hair still stays, and I genuinely want to get prettied up rather than feeling like I should to be seen as a girl, it's just something I want to do and not being able to makes me feel whack, but the song is definitely more focused on the whole 'societal expectations suck y'all are all valid' thing).

Non-binary days suck in the same way I've heard a lot of trans people of all varieties discuss. I hate walking past mirrors, if I have to wear feminine clothing for whatever reason I feel like I'm going to cry, she/her pronouns kinda make me want to die (generally I'm chill with she/they, and on female days they/them is okay, but she/her on nonbinary days makes my dysphoric as hell), and I generally Do Not Have A Great Time dysphoria wise. But hey, one day I’ll have enough money for a binder. Eventually. I always feel weird about entering giveaways given there are people who experience extreme dysphoria around their chest every day, I can deal on my demigirl days and survive on my non-binary ones.

So, that’s been me rambling into the void about gender for almost 2000 words, how are y’all doing? Also, if anyone actually read all of this I’d appreciate like,,, a like. Or something. I kinda want to know if people have actually seen and read this.

[szopenhauer]

it seems that the average survey-taker is a white american female, aged 15-19, who has a car, a cell phone, and an extensive social circle. is this true for you? I’m a white female but not from America and I’m much older, have no car nor friends, just cellphone

have you seen any silent films? I love Buster Keaton 

would you rather be an actor, director, or soundtrack producer? actress and director

have you seen nbc’s ‘hannibal’? thoughts? (if you haven’t, do you want to?) no and don’t want to, yuk

on websites where you’re permitted to change your username, do you do so often, or do you keep the same one for long periods of time? I usually change after a few months

does your computer have a name?  I didn’t call this annoying piece of shit anyhow but maybe if I had a better computer...

are you eager to see how far science + technology will advance, or do you prefer an older way of doing things? do you think we are better off with these advancements, or not? I wish we had choice, I would like the world to be balanced, a bit of this and a bit of that, some advancements are necessary, some are cool but some are awful

what is your favourite comic book or graphic novel? does your favourite novel come in comic-book form? (if not, would you like it to?) I don’t read comics but from those I ever tried my fav manga was Doubt, webcomic (those I saw several but I forgot most of the titles by now) - Lackadaisy and I am fan of Aldebaran and Betelgeza 

Any friends who are constantly venting about their boyfriend?: it was common - me listening complains about my crush’es exes or current boyfriends/lovers/crushes

Have you ever been ice-skating?: once, in high school, didn’t like it

Does the sound of rain at night help you sleep?: yeah

Did the end of Public Enemies make you sad?: I didn’t finish the movie

Do you obsessively apply lip-gloss or lip balm?: ewww, not at all

Do you think you’d have what it takes to shoot someone if you had to protect yourself?: I believe

What’s your most noticeable flaw?: ugh...

Have you ever walked into a massive cobweb? yes and that was awful because it was full of dead bugs

When you can tell that someone’s lying, do you call them out on it?: often

How many other blogs do you follow on Tumblr?: more than 300 

Does it ever scare you how fast time can go by?: could say so

Have you ever replied “OK” when someone confessed they liked you?: possibly :x

What does your grandma call you?: sigh...

What would you do for immortality and infinite youth?: dunno, definitely wouldn’t sell my soul or kill an innocent person but I would do some stuff for immortality 

Would you rather have a pool or a hot tub?: neither

Have you ever worn a nipple tassel?: haven’t

Ever played hide and seek in the woods on horseback at night?: wow, that’s weirdly specific and now I want this somehow :o

Have you ever held a baby chick?: wild bird’s babies and I regret that because it’s not helfpul for them actually

Do you think wine tastes like rotten fruit? yep

Have you ever felt the need to hide something about yourself?: sometimes, from certain people, I should be myself most of the time tho

Do you think pearls are attractive?: umm...

Have you ever wished you had a different name? Which name would you choose? but I like male ones more or non polish

Have you ever customised an item of clothing? I designed and my mom helped me, made changes for me

Do you prefer drawing or painting?  prefer to draw but look at paintings

Are you saving up for anything right now? What? if I could/had money to save then I would save for a bike, laptop, my own apartment etc.

Do you own any figurines?  cats, dogs, elephants, clowns, horses and others

If you have any siblings, how much rivalry is between you all? it’s complicated

When did you last have itchy eyes? recently

Is it dark outside right now? it’s getting darker 

Do you prefer framed photos or just sticking photos straight onto walls? I prefer them in an album, takes less space 

What’s your favourite type of cake? used to love sękacz the most

Have you ever woken up from a dream and believed it to have been real? I was confused 

If there’s a bug in your room, can you sleep or do you need to get it out? it depends on how annoying/dangerous it is

Do you prefer travelling alone or with people? I like to travel with my dad

What was the last baby animal you saw? pic or irl?

Do you give people high fives or hugs more often? hugs

How long have you known the last person you kissed? I knew her 10 years ago for awhile then we lost contact until this spring

When angry, do you get loud or quiet? depends

What do you currently hear right now? my parents talking

Who of the opposite sex has seen you at your worst? dad

Last person you saw? parent

Did you have a nap today? nope

Are you easy to get along with? am not

When was the last time you were told you were cute? recently my gf called me cute and I’m like Catra about it

Have you ever forgotten to put on an oven mitt before you took something extremely hot out of the oven? not over, just hot pot

Do you own one of those airwick things that automatically sprays every few minutes? hell no

How many light bulbs are on in the room you are currently in? 3, one doesn’t work 

Have you ever had your phone taken away at school before? almost, teacher heard it calling but before they found out who’s phone that was it stopped ringing and I was safe

Do you look better with or without glasses? I’m always ugly 

What is your favorite type of bird? chicken, owl, flamingo, crow, barn swallow...

Did you go fishing a lot when you were younger? Do you now? I hate fishing, never been nor will go

Do you like more flowery scents or more clean scents? no scents, thank you Do you own a manual or electric toothbrush? manual, electric are horrible Preferred brand of toothpaste? m current is Meridol  Piece of make-up you cannot live without? I can live without it

Do you prefer heels or flats? flats are more comfy but I know how to walk in heels, just don’t like to

Do you eat meat? yep Do you still watch cartoons regularly? I recently started watching She-ra with my gf but before that I didn’t watch any animated shows for a long time (just fragments/episodes maybe) Do you leave the TV on and sleep to it? never Ever considered cannibalism? r u serious?... this is scary, I’m gonna puke :x Ever licked a battery? I’m not stupid What does your name mean? lily which was also going to be my name Do animals go to Heaven? hope so Babies are… irritating

When was the last time you saw a doctor? it would be easier to say when I didn’t because I see them too often Do you know anyone who is a firefighter? used to What was the last wedding you went to? my sister’s

What’s your favourite alcoholic beverage? blergh... Do you “binge-watch” tv shows? two episodes a day max What is your opinion of clowns? love Did you wear a necklace today? not today How old are your parents? about 60 What’s something odd you do when you’re anxious or nervous? personal Have you ever received a compliment from a stranger? I have, more than one time Is your wardrobe big enough for all your clothes? it’s not Do you plan ahead when it comes to your outfits? nah Have you ever shaved your face? I shaved my eyebrows (not whole)  What colour is your front door? silver with white paint coming off  Do you take the stairs or the elevator? stairs  Would you ever try herbal medicine as opposed to conventional medicine? I tried  Do you wear open-toed shoes? I despise those Have you ever been to a petting zoo? yeah, I was petting a raccoon <3 and chinchillas are so surprisingly fluffy  When was the last time you wore a button up shirt? weeks ago How many times have you consumed alcohol? once Do you often forget what you were just about to say? ocassionally when interrupted What’s your opinion of Australia? wouldn’t go there Do you own any striped sweaters? absolutely :) Have there ever been any forest or grass fires in your area? as every summer, also trash burn quite often

What color is the trash can in your kitchen? yellow What does the cover on the last book you read look like? it has two people sitting in front of each other Do you wear green on St. Patrick’s Day? I don’t celebrate this holiday, I dislike it Are you even Irish? not even partially Have you ever gotten a wig? What did it look like and what was it for? I have a bunch of wigs  How often do you use a shower cap? What does yours look like? I don’t own any If you wanted to get a cat, would you adopt from a shelter or buy from a breeder? Why? but I don’t want a cat What’s the shortest you’d be willing to cut your hair? almost bald? What do you do when you find a spiderweb in your room? leave it be or clean it

[liskantope]

I’m feeling really discouraged at the moment about how few people out there are compatible with me in terms of how they think about different sides of emotionally consequential current issues, and how social media is making my perception of it worse. [Frustrated rambling ahead, which I wish didn’t sound so holier-than-thou but for the moment I don’t know quite how else to express it.]

I do a lot of hand-wringing about how I’m going to find people to have intimately close relationships with, particularly potential Significant Others, but a part of the problem I don’t talk about or even think about that often is the difficulty in finding someone that I’ll get along well with in the long term. One thing that’s happened for me repeatedly over the years is that I meet someone (typically a woman my age I find attractive) and say to myself, “Wow, there’s someone who really has it together, who’s passionate about certain hobbies and making the world a better place but also really reasonable, kind, easy-going, and emotionally stable!” Then I friend said person on Facebook and... it’s not like they reveal themself to be a jerk or high-drama temperamental or anything, but they write something that would seem to show absolutely clearly either that they’re incapable of thinking rationally and charitably about something they strongly oppose or they think it’s of little or no importance to try.

Maybe this is just my own issue that I need to work on, but... for me personally, the ability to think clearly and partially separate one’s interpretation of a situation from one’s emotions instead of demonizing whomever one strongly disagrees with is a really, really crucial trait. We can get along as friends, even quite good friends, without it becoming a major issue. But for someone really intimate that I can imagine happily spending my life with, it is a major issue. I suppose a lot of people value this trait to some degree or other, or at least tell themselves they do, but I think I not only exhibit it but prioritize it far more than most. (That’s why I spend so much time on this part of Tumblr!) It’s much more than a question of whether we’d see eye-to-eye on political issues -- that’s just what shows up most easily on social media. Rather, what’s at stake is seeing eye-to-eye on pretty much all issues that involve conflict with another person. Is this really such a rare trait outside of online rationalist spaces?

(To be clear, I’m not complaining about people who are simply a little less rationalist-y than I am. I’ve accepted the fact that there’s a super low possibility of meeting people IRL who are as rationalist-y as I am, and I’m not even sure the alternative would be entirely ideal given that there are failure modes to my particular brand of rationalist-iness that should be complimented and also the handful of people I’ve known who do exhibit an equally rationalist-y brand tend to wind up kind of being jerks. I’m complaining about people whose seeming inability to think about emotionally-charged things in a measured or nuanced way is just far beyond the pale from the point of view of my rationalist-iness.)

Some of the time I just want to blame social media for this experience I keep having. I wonder if, when all is said and done, it’s more of a hindrance than a help when it comes to initially getting to know potential dates, for instance. A variant on this is certain kinds of dating sites, such as okcupid, which allow people to show (often very relevant!) personal information. The one person that I actually met up with through okcupid, back years ago in the middle of grad school, seemed really great in many ways but I had misgivings before we even met because it was very clear from her profile that she was completely decided against having children, and I wasn’t (and still am not) sure that was all right with me. Maybe this is my inner luddite I’m listening to here, but it just didn’t seem right somehow that I should know about this very likely deal-breaker before getting to know someone otherwise pretty fantastic in a “natural” way that doesn’t involve asking about highly personal long-term life priorities right away. At the same time, how does it make sense to complain about the dating site, or social media, here? Isn’t it logically all upside to know such crucial personal information about someone sooner rather than later, to avoid wasting the time of everyone involved?

This reminds me of how recently I got mildly annoyed at how a friend of mine who was visiting me as a guest kept googling every route, attraction, or restaurant that I suggested. If I said, “I think it would be great to go to such-and-such restaurant which is a favorite of mine because of X and Y, does that sound something you’d like?”, rather than engaging directly with my description or just trusting her friend who is a local to choose things everyone would like, she would immediately be looking online and muttering about how it didn’t get great reviews. But I couldn’t quite rationally defend my complaint. I couldn’t exactly blame her, because what she was doing was perfectly logical once I thought about it, and I couldn’t even blame the review websites because, logically speaking, they’re providing opinions averaged over a much larger sample of people than just me and are therefore more helpful than I am. I could only stew in a vague gut feeling of wishing that we were back in the old days where friends could suggest things to each other based on their experiences and the conversations to decide on them wouldn’t involve the opinions of dozens of other people at our fingertips.

I kind of feel the same way about social media and how it gives me access to characteristics of a new person that I “shouldn’t” know so soon -- there are times I wish I weren’t privy to things that so often immediately make me judge other people as incompatible with me, but I can’t defend complaining about it. And this has something to do with the fact that I still can’t bring myself to quit reading friends’ posts on social media (there are a number of other reasons as well).

On the other hand, the fact that so few people are compatible with me in terms of rationality / commitment to charity/empathy in general is something I can defend complaining about, provided I allow myself to sound uncomfortably self-righteous and don’t address the possibility that the real problem is somehow on my end.

[stubbornattempt]

I hope this is ok to try to get a message to you again. If you'd prefer that I didn't I'll certainly stop. There are just so many things I don't know or understand. The past couple of years I've come to believe that for whatever reasons you and I can never be together. And while this is my best guess, I realized I would like to know that for a fact. You see, I'm still in love with you and I always will be in love with you and I would wait as many years as it takes until its safe to be together, if there ever would come such a time. It's a long shot, but I'd like to know if there is a chance. That would change every aspect of my life. It seems to me that you and I can't be together because of the danger of being arrested, and if that is the case I would never want you to risk yourself trying to be with me. I would rather never see you again and let you have a good life. But maybe is there some sort of statute of limitations on the thing? If enough time goes by would everything be ok? I think about you every day and it hurts a lot. I can't put it into words but I ache like I've lost the thing in the world most precious to me. Sometimes I just whisper your name. I don't know how you feel. Maybe you don't still have strong feelings for me or even want to be together. If that's the case I'd rather not know that! You said you would always love me and I believe you. I remember every single thing you've ever said to me. You're in the deepest and most permanent part of me. You're my home and as long as we're apart I'll never be home. It's ok if that's what it boils down to. It's been a long time now and I've accepted the idea of never being together. I told you I'm dating this guy Steve and I like him well enough. It's slightly nicer to have someone than to be alone. But I don't think I could ever be in love with him, or anybody else really. I can love someone as a person and be fond of them but that's not the same as being in love. I've just accepted that any other relationship I have I will be settling for less. Over the past year I've started becoming what I think might be a bad person. I'm just selfish and sometimes I feel absolutely nothing. I don't care that the planet is dying. I don't really want to expend energy to help anybody else and I do the bare minimum to help myself. I have more callous and angry thoughts than I used to, and until recently I've been aware of becoming a worse human being but I haven't cared. I'm also becoming increasingly perverted, and while I don't think there's anything wrong with a fantasy that you would never act on, I wonder what it says about me that I'm getting off on things that would disturb most people. I've always had a twisted sort of libido I guess, but its just firing on all cylinders now and I wonder if I'm so different from regular people that I'll always be on the outside pretending to fit in and hiding my true self. I did about 4 weeks of school and withdrew from my classes. I didn't want to do the work and I didn't like the subject material very much. It was Statistics and Chemistry and I realized I was gonna have to work hard to get A's. I didn't really want to be in school anyway. After visiting Steve in Cleveland for 5 weeks I realized that I could live a decent life on a tight budget. I'll get disability checks forever until I die, so if I don't want to I really don't have to work. And the truth is that I definitely don't want to work. Even if I wanted to I don't know if I could. I've always had trouble having to be places. Sometimes, quite frequently in fact, I break down and quit. I can't be somewhere all the time and also be forced to be around people. These days I find I'm happiest when I'm watching TV. There are enough shows out there that I could watch TV for the rest of my life. And when I get bored of that I could read books and do a little exercising. I have the opportunity to just have all my time to myself and I'd rather be poor and have that than go back to school, pay a shit ton of money, and then have to fucking work some job I'll probably hate. In any event, I don't think Biotechnology is the degree for me. The only potential job I would actually enjoy is being a therapist or counselor of some sort, and that would take a lot of schooling to get to a point where I could have a career. I'm a little too old now to look down that road. Maybe not. I just don't feel like being back in school just yet. I still have too many emotional and psychological issues that I'm dealing with. I've decided to get some therapy myself. I think I'll go next week. Try to talk about some of this stuff. Eventually I told a few people about what I went through. I told Steve, another online friend, and then today I told Michelle some of it. Maybe talking about it will somehow help? If I thought there was a possibility of being able to be with you in the future it would infuse every aspect of my life with such profound happiness. I'm not holding out much hope for it, but I think you should give me an answer if you can safely get one to me. If there is no chance I think I'll move to Cleveland. Not because I'm so crazy about Steve, but I like him well enough and its an opportunity to start over. I love where I live but there are memories everywhere I go. I can't be the way I was again, and being reminded of everything I used to have can be painful. Cleveland is very cheap and poor and I could fit right in. My mother will be supremely disappointed upon finding that I don't intend to go to school and then get a job and I can't really explain myself to her. Telling my family about my life is out of the question. So in Cleveland I could at least be in a new setting where I'm not bombarded with memories around every corner, with a guy who I enjoy spending time with, and I could live cheaply. As you get older your options narrow all the time. I'm looking at my options and it seems like the best one. Today I miss you so much I want to cry. I don't cry that much these days. After I figured out you weren't coming for me again I didn't cry for a year or something. I did some art therapy on Tumblr and listened to a lot of screamo. Last winter I made that playlist I sent to you, and I would listen to it all day every day for like a month or two and cry to it. I haven't cried since then I don't think. Crying doesn't do anything anymore. My emotions are resoundingly futile. I'm so scared of forgetting a detail or a feeling. I'm scared of the time and distance that separates me from when I last saw you and I'm scared that it's only ever going to grow. I'm scared of getting older and inevitably not being the same person I used to be and I'm realizing the thing that might save me is that I don't want to become someone you would no longer love, even if we never see each other again. I want to be the person that you love and I don't know how to do that going into the future without you. As I slowly turn into somebody else that's putting even more distance between us. It hurts so much its the dullest ache. No one will ever know what we shared and that's ok as long as I can keep it alive in my heart and my mind, but life is long I guess. Even though we're not together somehow I'm scared of losing you. Loving you is the most profound experience of my life. A future without you is static, muted, black and white. I feel like I lived more than most people in life ever have. I've had more mystery and adventure, trauma and pain, and depth of love. Sometimes I actually feel lucky, even though it devastated my life for good. At least I was special for a time, and experienced something unique in all the world. And I experienced your love, which is my top rated experience of all time. Sometimes I beg your memory not to leave me. So far it hasn't, but I'm afraid of Time. I'll wrap this rant up here. I just wanted to say that I'll no longer send you messages on Facebook. I guess that might be dangerous somehow? I also want you to know that I will never come looking for you. If you want to be with me and its safe, the ball is totally in your court. I don't want you to feel haunted by me and if you don't want to hear from me I won't message you. Even if we can't be together IRL maybe we could keep in touch through secret messages over the years? Maybe just an update every couple of years? I want you to have a life and be happy and I don't want to interfere with that. So maybe you'd prefer a clean break and just to let me go? Fuck, I love you so much. Whatever you want is fine with me. I only ask that you give me a sign so I can know for a fact that it's over forever. You don't even need to tell me why. All I really want to do in this life is tell you how much I love you. I'm trying to live my life and I am. Some days are easier than others. I'm alone in my headspace most of the time. I don't know if it helps or does harm to think about everything so much. I'm realizing a lot about my limitations and coming to terms with what the rest of my life is going to look like. I think I could find reasonable happiness if I moved away and started new. As long as I stay in this city my family will make me feel bad for not accomplishing anything professionally. And I just don't have it in me to be what they want me to be. Everything I went through from like 2011-2017 or whatever it was, that is and has to be my "contribution" to the world because I truly don't have anything left to give. I'll never feel like everybody else and no matter what happiness and stability I'm able to attain, there will forever be this deep current of sadness for everything lost. I find myself feeling alienated from other people and not totally respecting their emotions and experiences because of what I've been through. Things I went through were so extreme it makes it hard for me to take the plights of others so seriously. I'm on the outside forever and I am alone forever. I feel happier with Steve but he doesn't have much emotional depth and even though I told him about you/everything I don't think he begins to understand. So I'm alienated forever from everyone IRL and nobody who knows what happened to me is willing to talk to me. What exactly happened anyway? When did John first start filming me? When did others start watching? What's the ballpark number of people who were watching me? Were there cameras in the bathrooms? In the Tea House? Basic fucking things I'll never know. No one affiliated with the theater is ever going to tell me and there's no way to find the answers to my questions. It used to be very troubling to not know, but I've come to terms with not knowing. It's not that high on my list of concerns anymore. The PTSD from believing that John was going to kill me has probably subsided as well. I don't think I really have schizophrenia, but I think you guys gave me schizophrenia for a time. I was out there seeing clues and receiving messages left and right and that shit did get pretty scary. But I don't see clues and messages anymore, so I doubt I'm schizo. Maybe I have like schizo-affective disorder or something, but I don't think I'm schizo. I even stopped taking my meds months ago and I'm fine. I'll pretend to the docs like I'm taking my meds and I'm fine with the diagnosis as it has allowed me to be given disability. I feel like I deserve disability and I honestly feel like after what I lived through that I shouldn't have to work. I know I said earlier that I was wrapping this up, but I do not want to stop talking to you ever. My love. I also want you to know that there is no future where I blame you for what I went through or am angry with you. Looking back over our communication I see perfectly clearly that you didn't lie to me or deceive me. I think you made some poor decisions because I would have liked to marry you straight away and skip the internet games. I know you feel badly about the way things happened. I don't want you to though. It's bad enough that I'm not happy, if you can be happy you really should be. I'm so glad that you have your kids in your life. It makes me very happy to know that you have those meaningful relationships. That night in the truck when it seemed like we were running away, if that's what was really happening I want you to know how much it meant to me that you were willing to leave everyone in your life to be with me. It was powerful. Obviously I'd do the same for you anytime at all, but I don't have kids. So your devotion to me was the most impressive gesture anyone has ever made for me. I don't think anyone has ever really seen me the way you did. I want to always be that person you fell in love with but that can't be. I'm growing older and changing and the changes probably aren't all good. Thank you for being there at my most vulnerable and for intoxicating me with your love. I know I was probably draining and maybe demanded more from you than you had signed up for. I hope I didn't mess things up for you too much. I know your wife left you and it seemed like my going to where you used to work may have influenced her decision? Anyway, I hope you don't look back and think of me as a mistake that made you lose your wife. Even if its not me I hope you find someone who loves you. I would just hope that you never stop loving me. I don't know how I'm gonna carry myself through the rest of my life. Maybe things can be better than I'm imagining. Maybe I'll be more of a good person than a creep. I have to try a little bit harder though. I'm so disaffected. I don't like being around people or going out and doing things. If I move to Cleveland Steve will make sure I get out and do things. He has crazy levels of energy and fills every second of the day with an activity. After 5 weeks I was thoroughly exhausted, but perhaps that's a good type of personality for me to be around. It's hard for me to stop writing to you because it kind of feels like spending time with you when I talk to you. I would love to hear from you. Anything from you I cherish. I'm afraid to look at your blogs or your online accounts though. I don't want to see things that aren't meant for me. It also hurts. I only want to see things from you that are meant for me. Anything you could tell me about how you're feeling or what actually happened I would be grateful to hear. You could be creative. I'll know if its you. One last thing I forgot to mention is that I'm having transgender problems again. I've decided not to pursue transitioning. It's a little late in the game for me. The results wouldn't be as good. It's a lot of fucking work to transition. Most people are wildly transphobic. I don't want to have to explain and justify my existence to everybody. I don't want to be discriminated against. My mom might disinherit me. It would be harder to date. I'd be a dude with a vagina which is awkward. Top surgery is a lot of money. I don't think I want to shave my face every day. A lot of trans people say that if you can live as a cis person that you definitely should because being a transsexual is very hard. The part of my life were it would have mattered being correctly gendered the most is behind me. I'm just saying fuck it. It's just one more way that my life fails to be perfect. If I did transition probably I would be happier and more comfortable in social situations and more likely to socialize but the cost is very high. Maybe I'm being cowardly or lazy about it, but I'm trying to be pragmatic. Anyway, I'll love you no matter what even when you're 70 and bald and your teeth are falling out, so if at any point in your life you want to be with me and its possible, reach out. I'm yours and its not possible to make it otherwise. If you don't respond to this I guess I'll take that as a sign and try not to contact you again. If that happens I want you to know that I will think of you always. As the years roll on I will imagine you raising your kids, going to their graduations and weddings, having grand kids, growing old. I'll think about you in your dorky baseball caps and playing the guitar, enjoying your success and continuing to crusade against the insanity in the world. Your obsessiveness, your industriousness, your raw intelligence and creativity. I think you're golden. That night in the motel room when I refused to leave you and because of that you ended up getting away, that was the thing in my life that I'm most proud of and I would do it over and over again. At least I was given the opportunity to demonstrate how much I care for you. Not everybody gets to make such a dramatic gesture. I hope you feel it in your bones how much you are loved. I hope I'm inside of you the way you are in me. If you still feel the same for me, please consider the possibility of trying again if there is any possible way. I would try to be the best version of myself for you. I've decided to try that anyway, but it would be easier with you. Can I tell you just one more time? I love you. I was a kid for a long time, longer than usual, but I'm less so every day. And although I'm a terribly inadequate adult I don't think I would be a burden on you. I'm financially independent now, I have a car and a license and I've dealt with a lot of my problems on my own. I still have many lingering problems but I don't think you'd have to repair me as much. We could have a relationship based on mutual love more than need. After everything, wouldn't it feel like the world’s greatest victory? It would to me anyway. I'm just appealing to you on the chance that we could try to make it work. If it was my choice we'd never stop trying. Ok, I've been long-winded. It feels super good to talk to you. I hope against hope that this isn't the last time.

[crossant-creachure]

85 Questions Tag

Thank you @timothythemultifandomedowl for tagging me! I know we don’t talk, but I find it sweet that you thought of tagging me for this ^^ Okay, here goes:

Last...

Drink - A banana/milk smoothie with chocolate powder and espresso powder

Phone call - to my dad to ask which cereal to bring from the store

Text message - responding to my friend

Song you listened to - Fire Fire by David Micheal Bennett (AKA The Spine from Steam Powered Giraffe) ((you all should check SPG out, the group is amazing))

Time you cried - Yesterday I laughed so much tears escaped my eyes, and I see that as crying so

Ever...

Dated someone twice - Nope

Kissed someone and regretted it - Also nope

Been cheated on - Luckily not

Lost someone special - Too many people already

Been depressed - I’m not diagnosed with depression but I feel like I wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out I do have it

Gotten drunk and thrown up - ..... I haven’t even been drunk. I’m not legally allowed to drink yet

Favourite colours - Blue, green and black

In the past year you have...

Made new friends - Yes I did!!! And I appreciate every single one of them!!!

Fallen out of love - Sadly, yes... I still feel guilty over it even though I know I can’t change how I feel, and it happened a few months ago

Laughed until you cried - Yes,,, it happened yesterday

Found out someone was talking about you - I??? Don’t get this one????

Met someone who changed you - Hmmmm,,,, I don’t know actually. I don’t notice much whether or not I change

Found out who your friends are - Yes, and I’m glad

Kissed someone on your Facebook friends list - I don’t have Facebook

General

How many of your Facebook friends do you know irl - Like I said I don’t have FB XD

How many pets do you have - Two! A French bulldog and a cat

Do you want to change your name - I think maybe? I haven’t given it much thought but sometimes I do feel like the names I have don’t suit me all that well

What did you do for your last birthday - I threw a party for my family + back then girlfriend

What time did you wake up today - At like, a little past 11am

What were you doing at midnight last night - I was calling with two of my friends

What is something you can’t wait for - The start of university bc it’ll be my first year! Also I can’t wait for my first paycheck so I can sign up for my Uni’s Quidditch team!

What are you listening to right now - atm nothing, but I was planning on listening to Fire Fire on loop while answering these questions :/

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom - random,,, but yes

Something that gets on my nerves - lately there has been an annoying high toned beep outside and it’s clearly audible when the back door is open. But the beep doesn’t have a consistent timing and it aggravates me so. Damn. Much.

Most visited website - Uhhh, probably Tumblr? But I go on ao3 a lot as well

Hair colour - Dark blonde/light brown

Hair long or short - I consider my hair long, it’s just past my shoulders but I want to cut it short when I have the money to do so

Do you have a crush on someone - Nope, and I don’t want it to happen either

What do you like about yourself - I really like my eyes, and the shape of my smile, also I like how I’m slowly starting to feel like I’m getting my life back on track

Want any piercings - YES!! I want more piercings in my ears and maybe I want a lip piercing and/or an eyebrow piercing as well

Blood Type - I honestly don’t know

Nicknames - Ies, Isa, Bobo (I hate this one), Frederik (sadly I’m not called this anymore), Gurp, Hobi, Ieskam (only my granddad can call me this), Aboe (no one ever call me this, it’s special to me)

Relationship status - Single, and not ready to mingle bc I enjoy my solitude

Zodiac - Libra

Pronouns - She/her and they/them. Usually I am okay with both but I have days when I can only tolerate they/them

Favourite tv show - I gotta say The Great British Bake Off, that shit is intense

Tattoos - I don’t have any but I would like a tiny turtle on my wrist and perhaps some of my favourite lyrics on my arm when I’m older

Right or left handed - Right handed

Ever had surgery - Yes, I think, but I can’t remember what it was like since I was at most three years old

Piercings - I have two earrings in each earlobe but I haven’t worn earrings in a while so idk if they are closing or not

Sports - I don’t play any yet, but I am planning on joining the North Sea Nargles quidditch team soon!!

Vacations - I have been abroad to Sweden, Denmark, the UK, Belgium and France on vacation. I would still like to go to Japan, Canada, South Korea and Germany, and back to Sweden, on vacation

Trainers - Uhmmm,,,, what???? I don’t get this question, sorry

More general

Eating - The most recent thing I had was a risolles

Drinking - I had that that banana/chocolate milk drink about two hours ago now, but I might drink some water in a bit, I’m thirsty again

I’m about to watch - Nothing, I guess

Waiting - For dinner to be finished so we can eat

Want - To be okay again

Get married - I’d do it to make finances easier if I were to ever live together with someone, I think marrying is overrated

Career - I don’t know what I want my career to be, but it’d be neat if I could professionally publish a novel

Which is better

Hugs or kisses - Hugs! I love hugs! The warm feeling of human contact, knowing you’re wanted. Hugs are the greatest when it’s with someone taller so you can hide from the world in their embrace

Lips or eyes - I’m going with lips. Eyes are gorgeous, don’t get me wrong, but I love the way people’s lips move differently when they talk. Or the way lips stretch in different shapes when people smile... now I’m soft...

Shorter or taller - I always say I hate being short and hate having to look up at taller people but,,, honestly,,, I don’t mind it all that much. As I said before, hugging taller people is wonderful, and tall people make me feel safer, as if they can protect me.

Older or younger - I don’t think I care much. I have older and younger friends alike, but I have noticed I have the tendency to baby my younger friends much. Going in mother mode, calling them ‘kid’ affectionately, that sort of thing

Nice stomach or arms - Well my definition of a nice stomach is a squishy belly so definitely that. But nice lower arms/wrists are hella great as well to look at

Hookup or relationship - The choice is easy: relationship

Troublemaker or hesitant - Hesitant, I don’t have the confidence or dare to be a troublemaker

Have you ever...

Kissed a stranger - Nope, and I’m not planning to

Drank hard liquor - Haven’t done that

Lost glasses - I don’t have glasses...

Turned someone down - Uhhh ya I have

Sex on first date - Ew no, no sex for this ace

Broken someone’s heart - Yes, and it broke my own in the process

Had your heart broken - I broke it myself

Been arrested - I have not, I am also not planning on making that a thing

Cried when someone died - Yes I have, too many times already

Fallen for a friend - I have

Do you believe in...

Yourself - No, but I am trying to change that. Regrettably, there hasn’t been much progress yet

Miracles - No

Love at first sight - I guess??? I won’t be able to experience it myself so I stay skeptical about it, but if it happens to someone else good for them I guess

Kiss on first date - Dunno... perhaps a kiss on the cheek would be okay?

Angels - No, but ghosts yes, and ghosts can be good

Other

Best friends’ names - Anne (I only have one best friend)

Eye colour - Grey with green and yellow/orange, my eye colour changes from day to day

Favourite movie - Hmmm... I can’t choose one so I’ll write a few of my faves. Black Panther, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Robin Hood: Men in Tights and Hunt For The WIlderpeople

Favourite actor/actress - Lee Kwangsoo

Ohmygod the list is done... jeez this is a long post, thank you if you decided to read until here, I hope this wasn’t a complete waste of time for you...

Uhmmm so here I go tagging others I guess: @wastelandnoodle @sapphicprincesswarrioryuckfou @wlwskz @gaystayby @wannamakesomemagic @funeeek

All of you please know you do not have to do this if you don’t want to!

Uhmmm this has been an information dump about me, so long!!

[adorkablephil]

Fic: Imaginary Friends (Chapter 10)

Title: Imaginary Friends Summary: Nothing’s AU ... except that Dan and Phil have been appearing in each other’s dreams since childhood without realizing it because they’re soulmates. Everything on the outside looks like the reality we’re used to irl. Rating: Teen Word Count: 5.1K (this chapter) Tags: Soulmates, AU, But Kind of Not AU, Except That There’s Magic, Certainly Not a Typical Soulmates AU, Dreams, Getting Together, Friends to Lovers, Pining Author’s Note: Thank you again to my Patreon patrons! You guys are the best! Fic also available on AO3 here

[Masterlist of all Imaginary Friends chapters on Tumblr]

Chapter 10: Just For Us

“Wait, wait, WAIT!” Dan broke away from the kiss and struggled to sit up, pushing Phil to the side, but Phil didn’t misunderstand, didn’t assume he was being rejected, because now he knew. He knew how Dan felt, knew it as well as he knew his own heart, and so he simply felt confused at why the hell Dan’s lips were way over there when Phil’s lips were way over here.

“Wait why?” Phil asked not very eloquently.

“Because I’ve had sex with you lots of times here,” Dan explained. At the sudden rush of memories, Phil felt his stomach clench with the urge to just tackle Dan back onto the grass and stop the unnecessary talking. But now Dan was pushing Phil gently but firmly, a hand pressed to Phil’s chest until he lay flat on the grass with Dan leaning above him.

“I know how you feel here, in our minds, when I’m inside you or you’re inside me or we’re inside each other at the same time—which, pity, we won’t be able to do in the real world—but I have no idea what you feel like or look like or sound like in the real world.” Dan’s voice grew in intensity with each word as Phil lay there and gazed up at him, listening, eager, impatient, confused. ”I want this time to be different. The first time we both know it’s us, you and me, Dan and Phil, the people we are in the real world and the people we are here in this dream world … the first time we’re together now that we know everything … I want it to be … real. Do you know what I mean?”

But Phil didn’t. “We’re just as real here as we are when we’re awake,” he insisted. “Maybe more so. I mean, when we’re awake I can’t feel what you’re feeling, know what you’re thinking. We’re closer here than we can ever be there.”

Dan nodded. “But our bodies are just as real as our hearts and minds. And, I don’t mean to offend your delicate smol bean sensibilities, Phil, but … I’m really looking forward to getting to finally fuck your actual body.”

And Phil could feel it now, could feel how Dan wanted him, could feel it throbbing all around them and between them and within them, overtaking the entire substance and fabric of the dream with its urgency. But Dan wouldn’t stop talking.

“I want to get my hands on your skin.” Dan’s hands roamed as he spoke, sneaking beneath Phil’s t-shirt and along his chest, brushing against his nipples. “Not just how you imagine your skin,” he continued as his hands continued their distracting exploration, “or how I imagine it, not what your skin feels like in our minds, in our brains, but your real, actual skin. I want to see your real eyes when I touch you, lick the real sweat off your real throat, feel your real tongue on my real…”

“Then let’s wake the fuck up,” Phil interrupted, pushed to the brink by Dan’s words.

He woke with a jolt to find himself in the familiar bed on the tour bus, with the sound of tires against the road, the rumble of the diesel engine, the occasional flickering of light through the curtains.

And, there, in the familiar dim light, Dan’s eyes. Open. Watching him.

And then Dan’s hands. Warm. Gentle. Sliding beneath Phil’s t-shirt, stroking Phil’s belly and chest with slow movements. Slow. Slow. So painfully slow, as if he were savoring these first touches because there would never be another first time for this.

Phil tried not to push, not to hurry, as he could tell that’s what Dan wanted. Even without being able to read his thoughts, he could still read what Dan wanted simply from the way his hands moved, the way his lips pressed so gently against Phil’s neck, the way Dan touched him only with lips and hands, the rest of his body still held apart though so near in the bed.

But Phil had wanted this for too long, and eventually he couldn’t give Dan what he wanted anymore, couldn’t keep it slow, and suddenly the duvet was on the floor and then so were their sleep clothes, and Phil pressed Dan into the mattress, their whole bodies touching skin to skin, their muscles moving against each other, tongues tasting, hands stroking and grasping and clutching, breaths heaving and combining and sounding together … and maybe he was giving Dan what he wanted after all.

The next morning Phil woke to find himself alone in the bed. He groped around for his glasses, then eyed the disaster that was the bedroom. After some rather extensive searching, he found his pajamas and put them on, then at least threw the duvet over the bed to hide some of the evidence of the night’s vigorous activities.

He walked carefully out to the lounge area, bumping into the hallway walls occasionally when the bus moved unexpectedly in traffic. Dan was sitting at the table, eating a bowl of cereal, but he looked up when Phil appeared. He chewed and swallowed, then watched Phil with a whisper of a smile flirting around his mouth.

Phil casually leaned against the cabinets in the kitchenette and winced. He remembered Dan’s forcefulness the previous night. He was feeling kind of embarrassed, and kind of awkward, and kind of turned on. He tried to play it cool. “I’m going to have an impressive bruise on my butt from where you pushed me against this counter, you know.”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “Are you saying it wasn’t worth it?” He abandoned his cereal bowl to stand up and walk toward where Phil waited.

When he got close enough, Phil wrapped an arm around Dan’s neck and pulled him in for a long, thorough kiss. “Totally worth it,” he murmured against Dan’s lips. Dan grinned, and then they kissed again. A lot. And it’s possible that Dan got pressed against the counter hard enough to acquire some bruises of his own.

“Remember that time we explored those tunnels, and those trolls tried to kill us?”

“Yeah. Jeez. I was around … I don’t know … 9 then.” Phil thought a moment. “So you were 5 when we did that? When we had that dream?”

Dan nodded blissfully, his fingers restless on Phil’s bare chest, right over his heart. His smile was sweet and Phil just wanted to kiss it, but he also wanted to talk, because this entire situation seemed literally incredible. “I didn’t know much about trolls,” Dan murmured as he continued to caress Phil’s chest, “but I used ideas I got from your thoughts to help. I mean, I always did that. The dreams are always part you and part me.”

“When was the first time?” Phil asked, suddenly intensely curious. “The first time you came into my dreams.”

Dan raised his head off the pillow to stare at Phil in surprise. “You should know better than I would!”

Phil frowned. “Why?”

Dan shook his head and chuckled, laying his head back down. “Because you’re older, you spoon. I was probably just a baby.”

Phil gaped. He sat up and just stared at Dan in disbelief for a long moment.

Still lying mussed and drowsy among the tangled sheets, Dan smiled up at him. “You’ve been calling to me my whole life, Phil.” He raised a hand to brush against Phil’s cheek, then lightly against his lips. “I was probably trying to get to you when I was still a fetus.”

Phil lay down again, lying on his back and staring up at the tour bus ceiling. “I think … I think you were just a light at first.” He tried his best to remember, but it was so long ago. “This little light that would … you would sort of follow me around … and lead me places…”

“I just always knew you, always felt you reaching out to me, my whole life. And I just always knew that someday I’d find out where you actually lived, and we would meet, and we would be best friends. Because you were already my best friend. Since … well … forever.” Dan shrugged and kissed Phil’s shoulder.

Phil shook his head in wonder. “And you just … accepted it? Didn’t you ever wonder why this was happening? I mean … this isn’t normal, Dan. People don’t just appear in each other’s dreams like that…”

Dan shrugged again, a relaxed smile on his face, his eyes closed. “We did. That’s all that matters. I never really worried about it. I just wanted to find you. And now I did.” He opened his eyes and glanced over at Phil, smiled a little more brightly, and then lay back down again, seeming almost bonelessly relaxed.

Phil started rambling about his Gran, and about the Skill, and about how Dan must have the Skill, too, and what that might mean … but Dan didn’t really seem to be listening very closely. He just hummed occasionally in response, or nodded, but he didn’t seem to be giving the topic the serious consideration it deserved.

“Aren’t you listening to me?” Phil demanded.

Dan opened his eyes and gazed at Phil with eyes softer than Phil had ever seen them. “Aren’t you listening to me? The how and why don’t matter to me. All I know is that I’ve been wanting you my whole life, and now I have you. You are never getting rid of me, Phil Lester. I’ve been hunting you for more than 20 years, and I am never letting go.” He pressed a gentle kiss to Phil’s pouting lips and said, “Maybe I have some kind of power. Maybe you have some kind of power. And maybe each of us have this particular power because it’s what we needed to find each other, to bring us together. If you hadn’t called to me, if I hadn’t known you in my dreams, if I hadn’t always had you to turn to, to trust and love and understand, my whole entire life … I might have grown up to be a different person. I might not have grown up to be the person you’re in love with now.” His cheeks got a bit pink and he avoided Phil’s gaze.

Phil realized Dan was embarrassed. While Dan had been using the “L word” fairly liberally, Phil hadn’t been quite as forthcoming. Maybe he’d gotten too good at trying to hide his feelings, being around Dan every day and not wanting to scare him away or reveal too much.

“I am in love with you,” Phil said firmly, leaning up on an elbow to look down into Dan’s face. “Jeez, Dan, I’ve been in love with you since before I even thought you were real! And when I realized that it was you … I just … I was so sure you didn’t feel that way about me.”

Dan raised a hand to push Phil’s fringe back from his forehead. “That must have sucked. I hadn’t really thought about it, but … that must have been really rough. I always knew you existed, that you were real, that I loved you and you loved me, and that we would find each other and be together … but if you thought I already knew you in real life and didn’t feel that way…” Dan looked sad now, and Phil didn’t want that.

“It’s okay,” he interrupted, trying to smile. It really hadn’t felt okay at all, but he didn’t want Dan to hurt on his behalf.

Dan let his hand slide gently down to stroke Phil’s cheek, his eyes soft. “I’m sure it wasn’t okay. I’m sure it hurt. I’m sorry I hurt you, even if I had no idea I was doing it.” He brushed his fingers across Phil’s lips and promised solemnly, “I’ll never hurt you again if I can help it.”

Phil felt tears well in his eyes but fought to maintain some amount of composure. “Now that I know you’re you, the you from my dreams, my shadow, the person I’ve trusted and loved since I can remember … I know you’re right. Whatever this was, however this happened, it happened to bring us together.”

Suddenly, Dan chuckled, which jolted Phil a bit, as he’d been in the midst of a soppy moment of cheesy sentimentality. Dan leaned up to kiss him, then explained, “We were trying to find each other in our dreams, but apparently the world—or the Skill or whatever—lost patience with us. So we found each other in the real world, too. You called me so strongly … I came to you twice. I hounded you online until you let me in, just like you let me into your dreams.”

The idea had never occurred to Phil, and he lay down again, considering. It really did feel like Fate, like he and Dan had been meant to find each other, like maybe this was why he’d had this Skill all along. He wondered what his Gran would have thought of all this, and he liked to think she would have been happy for him.

“I always liked that field of cornflowers,” Dan mused dreamily, his eyes closed again, that blissful smile on his face. “I remember curling up with you there once when my dad had been yelling at me and I was feeling sad, but being with you made everything better.”

Phil smiled to himself. “Was that the time you looked like a red fox?” and Dan nodded. He opened one eye to look at Phil.

“I was hoping you would pet me, but you put your arm around me and held me close in that field of cornflowers, and I felt safe … and that was enough. I was really little then.”

Phil didn’t know what to say, thinking about small Dan hurting from harsh words and turning to him in their dreams for comfort. And Dan always helping him with his nightmares. He wished he’d done more for Dan.

“I called you the flower boy, you know. Because there always seemed to be flowers when you were around. Flowers in the grass, and in the trees, and in that cloak you made…” Dan’s voice had grown quieter and slower, as if he might actually be falling asleep.

“I called you the shadow,” Phil replied softly. “Well, the shadow boy when we were kids, but then just the shadow when we got older.”

Dan opened his eyes again and turned his head to look at Phil, and it was a look Phil hoped to see every day for the rest of his life. He’d seen it in his dreams, but he’d never thought he’d ever see someone look at him like that in the real world. “I called you the flower boy when we were young,” Dan murmured, “but when we got older … I just thought of you as mine.”

They didn’t usually have very much free time on the road, but when they found themselves with an entire day free before their Oakland show, they hired a taxi and saw as much of the San Francisco area as they could. It was ridiculously expensive, hiring a cab driver to chauffeur them around all day long, but they’d looked at each other that morning and just known.

They had to get out.

Escape.

With so much of their time spent on the tour bus or in the venues, rehearsing even when they weren’t performing, they just needed some time away from it all! There were only 10 more days, 10 days and they’d be done, the tour would be over, but right now 10 days seemed like forever.

So like the little boys they once had been, they ran away. Just for a day. Playing hooky.

They rode up and down steep San Francisco hills in their yellow cab, and they saw sea lions who’d taken over an entire pier, and they bought touristy jumpers to keep them warm in the deceptively sunny California weather, and they ate some clam chowder in a bread bowl, and they stood on the Golden Gate Bridge watching sailboats far below, and they even walked among some giant redwood trees. Staring upward in awe, Dan joked, “Finally, we’re in the company of giants taller than us!”

Phil said, “Now we know how our fans feel at the meet-and-greets,” and then wondered if they would be taller than redwoods in their dreams that night.

At the end of the day, Phil’s photographer friend pulled him aside, looking uncomfortable. “You’ll want to look through today’s shots and decide which ones are … all right,” he suggested, not meeting Phil’s eyes.

Confused, Phil asked, “Why? Was there a problem with the camera?”

Davy shuffled his feet a bit before finally meeting Phil’s gaze and beginning awkwardly, “The way you two were looking at each other…”

Phil nodded quickly. “Oh. Right.” He didn’t know what else to say.

Apparently, they would need to be more careful. He hated it, but knew it was true. Especially on the tour, with eyes on them everywhere, they rarely got a moment’s privacy. Except in the tour bus bedroom.

He couldn’t wait to be home, home where he could look at Dan however he liked in the lounge and in the kitchen and in the bath—his mind wandered a bit for a moment there—and in the bloody cupboard if they wanted.

But for now they would need to be circumspect.

But at least in the dreams they were free.

That night Phil appeared as he often did, alone in an unfamiliar landscape, surrounded by green and … yes, there were flowers there, too, both in the grass and in the trees. Was Dan going to appear as a flower tonight? Or a redwood tree? Or would he look like himself? Over the decades of their dream relationship, Phil had come to adore Dan’s capriciousness in this regard. It made every dream almost like a scavenger hunt. Where’s Dan this time?

The blue sky above began to darken, and Phil stepped further into the clearing to get a better view. He saw that clouds were gathering. Something about the clouds seemed … he stared upward … “Dan, is that you?” Phil asked with a grin.

He felt Dan’s chuckle deep inside him, in his chest or his heart or some non-physical part of him that only existed in his dreams, and then he could tell that Dan wanted him to join him. “I don’t know how to be a cloud,” Phil pouted.

“Sure you do,” Dan replied, “with a little help…”

And then suddenly Phil was a cloud. It felt strange, like he existed simultaneously as himself—a singular identity—but also as a dispersed collection of particles. Dan, as always in their dreams, could read his thoughts pretty well. “We’re all just collections of particles all the time,” he pointed out. “That’s what our bodies are. Being a cloud just makes it more obvious, because we can do this…”

Phil had watched clouds a lot when he was young. He’d loved to lie on the grass and just stare up at the sky, watching the clouds drift into each other and apart, forming shapes and then changing into new ones. He’d never before thought about any of it from the cloud’s perspective.

He and Dan began to merge, their cloud particles mixing even as their individual consciousnesses remained separate. Dan drifted slowly, gently, into Phil, and they formed some new shape that wasn’t just Dan and wasn’t just Phil but was something new they’d created together while still being themselves at the same time. He could see the particles of Dan’s cloud as distinct from himself, and yet they mingled with each other.

In a way, it felt a bit like the emotional side of sex without the physical sensations, the emotional merging without the sweaty push and pull and tight and …

“Ready to jump?” Dan asked, and Phil felt confused, knowing that Dan would sense his questioning. “Come with me!”

And then Dan and Phil were thousands of raindrops, falling from the sky, falling beside and among each other, each seeing themselves reflected in the watery spheres of the other. They fell with a fearless joy, scattered together into tiny drops of themselves that accompanied and reflected every other facet of themselves and of each other. It was like seeing himself and Dan through a molecular-level kaleidoscope as they raced toward the ground in a shower made of both their consciousnesses.

It was the most bizarre and beautiful thing Phil had ever experienced. He wondered if Dan would ever stop surprising and amazing him.

As they reached the ground, their droplets drew together and reformed into an adult Dan and an adult Phil, and within moments they looked like themselves again, with Dan grinning like a child on Christmas morning. But Phil glanced upward and held his hands out, palms facing up, as the rain had turned to tiny ice crystals.

It was snowing.

He looked at Dan and marveled, “It never snowed in our dreams before. We’ve been having dreams together for more than 20 years, and we never had snow. Why now?”

Dan stepped close and pulled Phil into his arms. “Because now I know it’s you. And I know that real-world Phil loves snow. That’s something I didn’t know about you in our dreams. But now I know you both ways, and so now I know that you love snow, and I can bring it to you here.”

Snowflakes fell on their hair, and one hit Phil in the eye, making him blink quickly. He gazed at Dan in wonder, arms looped around his waist. “Why do you think there was never snow before? I mean, just even by accident.”

Dan shrugged in his embrace. “I think you were just so … warm. I always felt so safe and warm when I was with you … snow just didn’t happen. Flowers did.”

Three more performances and they would be on their way home. The tour had been great—it still was great—of course it was great! But privacy was dramatically underrated.

They lay pressed together on the extremely narrow sofa in the tour bus’s lounge. It really wasn’t wide enough for even one of them to get truly comfortable, but they had shown remarkable persistence and determination, and had somehow managed to get them both to fit.

They weren’t even kissing when Martyn opened the door. They’d locked it—of course they’d locked it!—but Martyn had a key. Of course he had a key. He could come in any time. Why in the world would it ever be inappropriate for him to come in unannounced?

Well, he probably had the answer to that question now.

Dan rolled off the sofa in a panic and made a rather loud thump when he hit the floor, followed by a quieter, muttered, “Ow.” He sat up, looking at Martyn, then turned to look at Phil who still lay frozen on the sofa. Dan looked frightened.

Phil smiled hesitantly at his brother. “Um … surprise?”

Martyn leaned in the doorway for a moment, looking down at the steps and his shoes, and Phil worried what he might be thinking. But when Martyn looked up, Phil saw that he was actually chuckling.

“Finally?” Martyn asked in a voice flooded with disbelief.

Dan sat up straighter, though his position on the floor made the gesture less dignified than he probably would have hoped. “Finally?” he asked, his tone brittle.

Martyn just shook his head fondly. “Corn and I have been waiting for you two to figure it out for ages. I guess it just took a few thousand miles, a couple months, and a shared bed to open your eyes.”

Dan turned to look at Phil and they both just goggled. Almost in unison, they both turned back to look at Martyn. He was grinning.

Phil grinned back. And, almost like in the dreams, he could feel that Dan was grinning, too.

It was much more comfortable than the tour bus sofa. They lay in each other’s arms in the field of cornflowers, completely naked, but somehow the greenery in their dreams never prickled or tickled or poked them in uncomfortable places. Instead, Phil lay on a cushiony bed of smooth green grasses, gazing up at the vivid blue cornflowers that waved above their heads and the paler blue sky beyond. Dan lay beside him, stroking a hand along his skin, then raising that hand to twine his fingers through Phil’s hair. It felt like heaven.

“Hey,” Dan whispered suddenly. He sounded excited, and yet uncertain, keeping his voice hushed despite the obvious thrill that ran through him. Phil could feel it along his own nerves like sparks. “Can I try something? Can I … can I change something about how you look?”

Phil jerked his body away immediately, hurt more than he would have imagined possible. He’d thought he’d gotten over this, that Dan had convinced him, but really … he’d still always known it. He’d known that Dan couldn’t love him the way he really was, the Phil he was in reality, plain Phil, odd-looking Phil …

But Dan’s arms wound around him to hold him fast. “No. It’s not what you think. I’ve just always wondered … what you would look like…”

Phil’s body still as stone, he closed himself off as much as possible and prodded ruthlessly, “Yeah? What have you always wondered? What have you always wanted to change about me?”

Dan didn’t release him, but he did let his eyes wander up to Phil’s hair. Phil could feel Dan’s longing to touch, and he relaxed slightly. Dan felt his muscle tension go down a notch and took the chance of letting his hands wander up into Phil’s hair again.

“I’ve just always wondered what you would look like … with your real hair color,” Dan admitted in a whisper, and Phil could feel how apprehensive he was about Phil’s possible reaction, but the idea just made Phil smile, and his body relaxed in Dan’s arms.

“It isn’t very exciting,” Phil shrugged, embarrassed. “Just sort of mousy brown. Just as plain as the rest of me. The only thing people ever seemed to notice was my eyes. So I thought darker hair would emphasize the light eyes, you know?”

Dan nudged him. “It only makes your skin look even more pale, you know.”

Phil shrugged again. “Another thing that stands out, I guess. Another thing that makes me less … plain.”

“You aren’t plain,” Dan whispered in his ear, then sucked the lobe into his mouth and gave it a bit of a suck. “You’re the opposite of plain. You are gorgeous and sexy and amazing and I would love to see what you look like with your natural hair color. Do you mind if I … try it out? I mean, I’ve seen enough pictures of you from when you were younger that I can guess what it would look like. And you can help. I’ll keep the haircut the same, but just … lighten the color…”

Phil hid his face in Dan’s shoulder. “Why? Why would you want to see me looking even more boring than usual?”

Dan pushed Phil’s fringe back from his forehead as he seemed to like to do, his fingers sliding through the smooth strands. “I’ve always loved your hair,” Dan reminded Phil. He’d said it often enough over the years, though always in a platonic “I wish my hair looked like that” context. “I just wonder what you really look like. The unadulterated you. The you without any hiding, without any disguise, without any masks.”

With a pained sigh, Phil nodded, face still buried against Dan’s neck. “Fine. You can do it. You’re just going to be disappointed, though. It’s going to look terrible.”

When he raised his face to meet Dan’s eyes, Dan smiled at him. “You still look like you. You’re still stunningly phenomenally gorgeously amazing Phil.”

Phil rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help smiling a little. “I’m sure I look like a complete idiot.”

“Here,” Dan said. “It’ll be like when we were kids. I’ll show you what you look like.” And his face and body changed until he looked like Phil … if Phil had the most boring-colored hair in the entire universe.

Phil threw his hands up to cover his eyes. “Don’t make me look! It’s hideous!” He was only half joking. He’d grown rather attached to his black-haired persona, enough that his natural hair color no longer looked natural to him.

Dan changed back to looking like himself, though he kept the wavy hair that Phil had gotten used to in their dreams. Dan never straightened his hair in their dreams anymore. Suddenly, a devious look appeared on Dan’s face and Phil cursed how well they could read each other’s thoughts in their dreams.

“If I stop straightening my hair in the real world,” Dan wheedled, “will you stop dyeing yours? Like a pact?”

Phil shook his head in absolute flat denial. “No. No way. And you’ll never stop straightening your hair, anyway. You hate your hobbit hair too much, even if I love it.” Phil tousled Dan’s hair playfully.

“And I love your hair brown like this,” Dan said, his voice softer now as he toyed with some strands of Phil’s hair. “I mean, I love how you look with black hair. I think I’d love how you look with any color hair. Heck, dye it green if you want! But … if we’re talking about loving each other how we really are, without any masks, then that would mean me letting my hair be naturally curly and you letting your hair be naturally brown.” His smile looked more hopeful than devious now.

Phil sighed. “I’ll let my hair be naturally brown here in our dreams, if it’s really important to you, and if you agree to let your hair be naturally curly here, too … but we don’t have to show all the absolute truth to the rest of the world. It’s different here. Here … this is just for us.”

Dan nodded, satisfied for the moment, and pushed both hands into Phil’s pale brown hair, twining his fingers between the strands so that he cradled Phil’s head in his hands, and pulled him into the softest of kisses.

Author’s Note: One more chapter to go, and it’ll just be a short one to wrap things up. As always, likes/comments/reblogs are tremendously appreciated! If you’d like to learn how you can further support my writing, check out this post, which discusses how you can become a Patreon patron or leave a small tip through Ko-fi. Obviously, I don’t expect money from you guys, because I write fic for the love of it, but some readers seem to really like being able to support and encourage my work this way, so check out those links if you’re interested.

[Continue on to the next and final chapter!]

[tantoknives]

hey how about 1-30 from that one ask thing

if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?-first off i sent this to myself. second, i would link them to my soundcloud and spotify and shit like that. if i had to chose a single band i’d have to go with cherub, they’re my favorite band of all time and i get teary thinking about how jordan kelly gave me a hug. uh anyway also watch princess mononoke and kiki’s delivery service because theyre my fave and i heavily relate to kiki. i guess for reading read my childhood faves like redwall, warriors, guardians of ga’hoole, and everlost trilogy. i don’t do as much recreational reading these days. 

have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who?-not?? really in particular. i modeled my early writing more after my childhood favorites (see above lmao) so my writing wasn’t terribly complex. i think i model my writing a bit closer to stephen king’s; he has a very good way of conveying situations/emotions in an extremely subtle way

list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.-wow this list has gotten small. the only fandom i actually really interact with is the transformers fandom nowadays. i relate to knockout because i love breakdown. other stuff i used to vibe with is steven universe, and i really related to rose quartz. 

do you like your name?  is there another name you think would fit you better?-now that i’ve figured out that i’m nonbinary, i’d prefer a more... gender neutral name. megan is such...... a generic name. i’m fine with meg, but i don’t even respond to megan anymore lmao. i’m fond of mac, like mac demarco. maybe to be unique™️ i should be called demarco.

do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do?-what the fuck kind of question is this it sounds like a question from a job application. and yeah i guess?? i mean i call myself a writer and an artist and a depressed fuck because that’s what i do

are you religious/spiritual?-no. i had some bad experiences in the church and it effectively drove me away from christianity in particular. i enjoy other houses of religion, tho. i find it very interesting to be an observer. 

do you care about your ethnicity?-kinda?? it’s something that i think about a lot because i could have had a lot more culture from my dad’s side except my family on his side was whitewashed as a side effect of rampant racism in the 50s and 60s. i’m ‘hispanic’ but i’m not even sure what that means nowadays?? like am i just white?? i don’t know and it bugs me. like, i’m not trying to reach to be a poc but i’m also not sure if i’m white or not. most of the time i just kind of ignore it. 

what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime?-florence and the machine was the first artist that i really, really connected with after i heard ‘dog days are over’ during a movie preview on the tv. her lungs album was the first i ever bought, and she was the first artist i ever followed religiously. a little while after her i got really into woodkid. now i’m deeply invested in the band cherub, theyve gotten me through a lot of hard times, all of them. for awhile i was very much into linkin park’s ‘a thousand suns’ album, so chester’s death has touched me in some small way. 

are you an artist?-yeah, i would definitely say so. it’s definitely been a hugely defining part of my identity for the entirety of my life, if that says anything. 

do you have a creed?-not?? particularly?? like for me my creed is to let people do their own thing and stay in my lane unless theyre hurting somebody. like i don’t really care what people do unless it becomes my business. 

describe your ideal day.-ohh getting up at 10am with good hair, doing my makeup and putting on a cute outfit. getting my nails done with a good friend, having a light but tasty lunch then going to get bubble tea after. going to the mall for a couple of hours, then going to a nice place for dinner and a movie. after that, going for a nice swim at night with some friends, good music, and a bit of booze. more movies after that if we’re awake enough. 

dog person or cat person?-i think i answered this already but fundamentally i’m a cat person because i’m too low energy to be a dog person

inside or outdoors?-i’m too delicate of a creature for these earthly elements, so indoors i shall stay. it’s too fucking hot outside. 

are you a musician?-actually, i used to be. i played the piano for nearly ten years and played the french horn/mellophone for another five. i wish that i still played an instrument but i barely have the will to get out of bed, much less the dedication to devote myself to an instrument

five most influential books over your lifetime.-the lovely bones by alice sebold-the green mile by stephen king-the redwall series by brian jacques-the everlost trilogy by neal shushterman-call of the wild by jack londongod......... i need to read more books

if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same?-i mean, yeah?? that’s basic psychology, tbh. 

would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the “real you”?-mmaybe?? i don’t really talk that much on here (aside from these ridiculously long ask memes godd) but i’m fairly frank and i typically say what i would irl. i’m a pretty frank person. 

what’s your patronus?-already answered, but i’m changing my answer to Macho Man Randy Savage™️

which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle?-i don’t care enough about this question to answer this

would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else?-all of the above listed universes sound like shit except magic is maybe cool. pokemon is the ultimate alternate reality

do you love easily?-i used to, but i’m a bit more anxious and wary of my relationships these days

list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order.-sleeping (this summer i average like, 12 hours lmao)-browsing tunglr, sadly-this summer?? breath of the wild-staring at sketchbooks, pencil hovering over the page-eat

how often would you want to see your family every year?-my mom and dad?? once a month sounds good, if not twice. my sister?? fucking never

have you ever felt like you had a “mind-meld” with someone?-me and my SO are ridiculously close to the point where he knew i was starting my period before i even did

could you live as a hermit?-i already do

how would you describe your gender/sexuality?-i am nonbinary and pansexual. so yeah and yeah

do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the “real you”?-this is something i’ve been working on actually and it’s sorta difficult because i have some clothes that i feel do and a lot that don’t because i have a lot of ultra-femme clothes that i don’t feel as comfy in anymore. i mean, depending on my mood. also my hair is so fucking shaggy i look like a goddamn muppet. 

on a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin?-it takes a lot, because i mean people make mistakes and do/say shit that they didn’t think about. that’s for friends. other people can and will bug the fuck out of me with ease. 

three songs that you connect with right now.-monogamy by cherub-hallelujah money by gorillaz (iconic)-marijuana by chrome sparks

pick one of your favorite quotes.-uhh hmoh actually i do think i know- “i am become death, destroyer of worlds” from the bhagavad gita i know it’s generic but it’s very iconic, and i especially like hearing it in oppenheimer’s post-atomic bomb speech