#maybe fatigue but frankly that could be due to my mental health

[roachemoji]

.

[jean-does-not-have-a-horseface]

Jean with their almost full term wife just being extremely uncomfortable, they cry a lot and are just ready for the baby to be out?

Here I go... this has been in my inbox for an embarrassing amount of time but I had this plot in mind for two years and I was waiting for this moment to be animated to be able to write and post this... Listen while you read → the sound of silence by Simon and Garfunkel

Pairing: Jean/ Reader

Tags: hurt/comfort (yes my ✨favorite✨), Jean being a sweetheart

Warnings: pregnancy, grief, mentions of labor and childbirth, crying, Post Sasha's death

The Sound of Silence

The dull, gray shade that was plastered all over the sky was accompanied by an excessive stride of frozen air that was blowing on your hair, sending stray strands of (e/c) flying all over your eyes. A few droplets fell faintly in random places over you and on the freshly trimmed grass that was swaying under your feet. There was a vast variety of tombstones that surrounds you, sternly and calculated lined up tombs extend to a tragic horizon, where your eyes couldn't seem to find an end to. A few leaves were being blown around over them, as well as fresh flower petals, ones you could recognise as you had seen numerous people leave bouquets to their deceased loved ones for all the time you'd stayed here.

Inevitably, the gravestone you were resting your back on was frozen, making your whole body shiver as you lean on it, but you chose not to pay any attention to it; you simply buried your chin between your knees and closed your eyes before letting out a sigh escape you. Your stomach tightened as your chest hitched and you instinctively brought a hand to rub over your swollen tummy. You inspected the bum by running your hand around it, rubbing on a few places near your inverted belly button, pressing slightly over the top as you felt the probing piece of flesh flick in the palm of your hand underneath your dress.

When you felt a kick, a single leg movement push against the insides of your stomach, though, you took away your hand, slamming it onto the ground as you tried to grip onto the moist soil right next to you. It was kind of a peculiar feeling and even now, nine months in you were still fully uncomfortable with it. Being pregnant wasn't something you've enjoyed; rather was more like a hazard to your very health and was reason you were relieved of your soldier duties. And you secretly cursed Jean and yourself a bit for allowing this to happen.

Who on their right mind would enjoy swollen feet and back pains, who would enjoy the crazy mood swings and the fatigue that causes you to be unable of even taking a stroll around the town? Who would ever want to feel suffoccated by how big their pregnancy belly had turned? Not you. Definitely not you, but according to your mother they were supposed to be something you'd enjoy later on.

Now, you weren't so sure.

And you were so overdue yet you weren't even sure you could even take care of your child in the mental state you were in.

Sighing hard after taking a deep inhale you dug your frail fingernails into the soil, feeling the ominous tears that the angry skies were begining to pour. Your eyes lingered on the shapeless coulds, focusing onto the dull, stripped light that could barely peak from underneath them. You felt the faint river of a tear run down your cheek at the sight and the skies responded right back at you with a loud thunderclap. It almost felt as if the skies were mourning Sasha just like you. Maybe, if you tried to convince yourself, you'd believe that it was your childhood friend that cried with you due to your departure.

Feeling your body go stiff and your face go numb from the fresh needles of the cold air that was blowing on you your scrunched your nose upwards, hoping for the action to stimulate even the tiniest blood flow to the numb tip. It didn't, and the tingling sensation of a sneeze madxhed it's way to your blood vessels, scratching methodically at all the right pressure points to force it's release. Finally and with a loud blow you felt your chest go in shock as you sneezed, your whole body joltimg up on your very spot.

Still you sniffled the little drops of moisture with the inside of your elbow, you couldn't find it in you to move or get up, you couldn't even try to find an ounce of physical strength inside your body. Sashas tombstone provided some strong comfort for you though, acting as your only comforter against the cold.

"This can't be any good for you."

A soft, large and so very warm hand came to rest upon your shoulder; delicate fingers gave you a squeeze as a bulky thumb rubbed a few circles to the end of your collarbone. You didn't even have time turn your head to see who it was, frankly because you knew.

His scent, his warmth, his touch, his whole aura practially screamed his name.

"Jean?"

"It's going to rain really hard you know." He said, planting a kiss to your temple. "wanna go back?"

"No." You sniffled dangerously.

"Okay then, I-" Jean paused before squating to your level "I guess were staying here for a bit."

"Thank you."

The soft ruffle that you felt on your hair was Jeans reply and it tousled your hair slightly, allowing the shy blond to catch a tiny sniff of your sweet scent to which he sncrunched his nose slightly and proceeded to place a kiss at the top of your hair line. Then, once again, he placed another kiss on your temple.

Fidgeting with your hand while trying to undig it out of the soil, you closed your eyes at the feeling, expecting the tiniest bits of adoration to enter your body through that kiss. Jean rested his head on your shoulder from his squatting position and you smiled a tiny bit and only in the blink of an eye, exhaling a cold huff of air to his face. A sharp pain in your chest was starting to spread, pushing back away over everything else that lay inside your body, strangling the insides of your throat.

"I miss her already."

You felt your breath chock you from the insides of your throat dangerously; a tight, looking knot was finally making its binds tighter and even more evident to the depths of your stomach as it spread to your throat.

"Me too"

"And God she was more that me excited for our baby."

As you shut your eyes, in frail attempt to mute the memories of Sasha that were coming back to your vision, a single tear rolled from the corner of your eye. With a shaking hand you managed to grip onto the side of Jean's coat; the chachi makò cotton coat rubbed against your thum as if protesting for the dirt that was being wiped on it, yet Jean didn't seem to care.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here for so long when you're dysphoric about pregnancy."

"Its-its fine" You sniffled, a hitched sigh escaping the depths of your throat.

"Mmm baby, it's not, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't bring Sasha back with me too she'd talk to me everyday about betting on how we're going to have twins."

As another thunderclap roared in the background, Jean found it fitting to move his aching legs and shift his position to the ground. As he took a turn, he placed another kiss just next to your eye while he took your hand in between his. With a soft thud he came to rest his body next to yours and you made a slight move to allow him a little more space before his back finally came to rest to the small tomb right behind you. A hand came to wrap around your shoulders lovingly silently begging you to push your head down to your lover's shoulder to which you eagerly complied.

"I kinda think she was right, I'm too huge, I can't even breathe properly these days." Another tiny peck was placed to the top of your head as you spoke. "To be honest," You sniffled "whatever it is I want it to be out."

"I know."

"And I don't want to accept that Sasha died, I grew up with her Jean."

"I know baby." He said and placed a new kiss to your head.

"And for the love of any fucking intelligent titan I'm so swollen and I'm angry and all that could make me happy right now would be you Connie and Sasha teasing me about it."

Jean felt your back pulp on him like a jolting lighting has just fell from the sky. He heard the hard sniffle of your nose and heard the painful sob that was stuck to the back of your throat as your sentence came to an end. This, with a burning desire to let his own heart go loose came the feeling of his own eyes stinging, his own chest jolting, his fingertips gripping onto the side of your head as if they were hanging onto you for dear life.

"All I get though is this stupid tomb!" You cried and threw a clenched first backwards towards the tomb, hitting it with all your potential might as you chocked on your next words. "This stupid fucking reminder that my best friend is dead."

It was so dearly painful. Your heart hammered in your chest in protest to your refusal to deny Sasha's death, your stomach churned in a coiling fire and the big swelling bumb under your right hand rioted against your mourning. But you failed to give a care. Your best friend in the whole world was dead.

You could still remember when you decided to join the military together, you still remembered your very first friends, you still remembered how she and Connie were the ones to help you and Jean get together. You remembered the way you'd play when you were kids and how you'd spend days sewing clothes just to play like you were paying a visit to Sina in your most elegant attire. You remembered watching her fall in love with food and with whom you had thought could be the man of her life.

You remembered every single miniscule moment of your life spent with Sasha and it crushed you.

Nevertheless when Jean's long fingers came to sway over the roots of your hair and his nose nuzzled to the top of your hairline, his lips rubbing onto your soft hair, ready to press another kiss at any given time, your face softned, taking away the chocked sob you were about to let out with it. You brought your hand to your face, pulling your sleeve to cover it up and put it to your nose to wipe the runny goo off of it.

"I know, shh" The ashy blond rubbed his chin to the side of your scalp, giving you the tiniest bit of affection from it before bringing his nose back to your head to rub it on the spot again.

Then, the way that you sighed was almost silent.

Save for the whiny hiccup that escaped you.

"Please don't cry so much, I'm going to panic."

A tiny laughter inevitably escaped you. You remembered that phrase very well. When you had caught Jean crying after Marco's memorial he had came running into your arms, sobbing like a madman and you had wispered the same words while rubbing your palms soothingly over his back. That was the same night that you decided to follow him into joining the scouts, the first night of an endless personal misery.

"It's just-" You cried "I just can't, we've lost so many people and it hurts Jean. I should have been there."

"Shh no, don't think like that."

Jean was holding back tears for you. It was evident in the way that he was shaking and jolting his head from time to time. His palm was flexed in a fist, tightly resting over your shoulder as it gripped a fold in your cloack. You only breathed harder at the realisation, feeling your chest sink in a tremendous amount of pain that left you hollow. You felt another kick coming from the inside of your stomach to which you shut your eyes to, too afraid to see the outline of a hand or a foot appear under the thin linen clothe of your dress. And just like before, another heart wrenching sob escaped you.

"I didn't want to say goodbye." Jean said quietly, his voice coming as a breath that barely brushed your ear. "You didn't even get to say goodbye and that's bad of me to say, but I didnt want to see what I saw. I didn't want to say goodbye. I don't want you to suffer. I don't want to suffer either."

"Jean.."

The sniffling of your nostrils wasn't nowhere near coming to an halt, thus the back of your sleeve was the ideal solution to your distress; had you had any more little power in your body you would reach for the handkerchief in your shoulder bad. But that couldn't be the case. Not until you could feel your feet.

"(Y/n), baby... I'm sorry. I promise I won't let anything happen to you and our baby. Even if it means I have to sacrifice my life for you to be safe."

A gasp came out of your mouth quicker than you had anticipated. The hiccup that escaped you was accompanied by another burning hot tear that run down your eye, your whole spine giving in to the wave of fear that shook you, resulting in your head jolting in shock. Your hand shot to his, gripping it with force to bring it over your stomach, your fingers clinging onto his while pressing hard in between his knuckles.

"Don't say that shit, you're not dying Jean, get that thought out of your idiotic head," You inhaled through hitches "I'm going to die a pitiful death if you leave me."

"Please don't do that." Jean clenched his teeth.

"Then don't die too you idiot."

Another rush of a few raindrops started pouring, this time even more quickly that before. The grass under your feet swayed, each spiky peak bending and bouncing as the weight of the rain hit the ground. Big blotches of water were now forming on your attire, waiting your skin as they came to connect with each other, darkening the brown color of the linen skirt you were wearing. Jean wrapped his hand tighter around you, rubbing his cheek to the top of your head again with mellow force, as if trying to assure you it would be okay for you to stay there for only just a moment more.

And you begged to listen to his silent proposition.

Letting his hand rest loosely over your swollen stomach, you took a deep breath, allowing your self to flex your toes inside your shoes. Your indstep steamed as the little strap squished you so hard that you tried your best to convince yourself you weren't going to deal with a blood clot. You hated that you had come to despise your favorite pair of shoes. All you ever wished for was that then would just fit you like normal. Still, even to that thought, the little being inside you took half a leaping turn, giving another kick to the top of your stomach.

Had Sasha been here she would have told you something to help you get your mind off of it. She would have teased Jean for not being able to keep it in his pants and you would have laughed, feeling the tentuon easing off.

Still, the kick, that most women would have found one of joy, only turned your insides like clothes swept by a tide.

"I want to throw up." You announced, half looking at Jean

"Because of the kick? Or the thought of it?"

"Maybe-maybe both."

It was then that another kiss was planted in your forehead. The raw sound of lips smacking filled the air against the drenching water of the rain, giving a little antsy essence to the gesture. Jean rubbed his closed mouth against your skin with his eyes closed in his best effort to help you calm down.

"Now now," He whispered "It wouldn't be the best thing to throw up in the cemetery, would it?"

With closed eyes, you pouted and shook your head twice in response.

"Okay then, I have a proposal for you."

"What?"

"Want to go visit Marco's grave? And then get you somewhere warm? And changed?"

Your pout intensified amd you fixated your gaze at the ground with furrowed brows. The nauseating feeling in your stomach was coiling begging to obertske you, but there was something so warm about Jean's sweet tone that fought it violently, so much that you could even feel your face loosen up as you melted under his touch.

"Yes, I'd like that."

"Okay then."

You shivered slightly as Jean took his arm off of you and dug it to the ground, giving himself a little prompt as he bend his knees closer to his body before stretching them to get up. Next, he leaned towards you, extending a long arm to your side, his thick, enormous palm stretching as it signaled you to place yours in it. Lifting a hand to his direction faintly you manages to place your palm into his and soon you managed to feel his fingers tighten a grip over your knuckles.

Still though, you couldn't find it in you to get up.

You stared at Jean with brows that screamed in apology, lifted skin littered with regretful lines. You had been feeling heavy lately. Everyone knew that, everyone who laid eyes on you questioned hoe you even managed to walk normally. But today you had struggled to get out of bed so much that you had even considered asking to be carried to Sasha's grave, knowing full well that you were too heavy for this to be a reality.

"You can do it."

"Give me a second, I can feel my lower stomach pulsating."

Jean eyed you with concern, his thumb quick to rub a circle over the knuckle of your pointer finger. You only gave him a mixed look next, squeezimg him just a little as you started pulling his hand. You had to get up. You couldn't stay in the rain until someone picked you up bridal style. Thus, you gave a little push. Just a teeny, tiny push to prompt yourself up and meet Jean halfway.

"Oh, oh crap."

In that moment you couldn't even think of a worse mistake that you had made in your nineteen years of life.

"What?"

You didn't want to believe it. No. It couldn't be happening now.

"Uhm, my water just broke."

"WHAT?"

"There's fluid leaking down my thigh and I'm pretty sure I didn't just pee myself. I wouldn't do that in a graveyard."

In between Jean's petrified expression and the trembling pain in your core, you somehow found yourself be eerily non panicked about the happening. As much as you wanted to scream from the pain, as much as you felt like your feet where going to give out, you were nowhere near turning pale yellow like Jean.

"Was this supposed to happen so suddenly?" Jean breathed heavily.

"Well" You cursed under your breath as you clutched over your stomach "I have been overdue for some days now and, ah fuck this is painful-"

"I'm really, really freaking out right now. What. Do. We. Do?"

"Calm down, let's go to Marco's grave."

"What? No!? Your waters literally broke. They broke, oh my god I'm going to be an actual father." Jean let out a chocked scream while running his other hand through his hair and gripping despairately on the roots.

"Jean, okay I migh-" A sharp pain went through your core "I still have a lot of time until my contraction is big enough for the baby to come out."

"This can't be safe."

"I'm telling you!"

Jean took a deep breath. His chest rose and fell, his shaking fingers steadied just a tiny bit, his trembling feet suddenly felt just a little more steady. This wasn't a time to panic, of course, he knew that far. The look you were giving him, even though it was pained, screamed that he could trust you; despite either of you having absolutely no idea about childbirth, he knew that having an anxiety attack this early into labor would only cause a worse experience for you.

Plus, he was the one who suggested they you'd visit Marco, and he wasn't about to say no to you at your current situation. With a hand bend over his hip, he prompted your own to snail through it for support. At least if you were going to do this, he'd basically walk you there. Pressing his lips together, Jean gave you an longing look, letting a deepnsigh escape the depths of his chest.

Eagerly you nodded at him, linking your arm with his. You softly dug your button lip under your upper flesh, trying your best not to bite into it as another rush of pain washed through you. Having contractions this frequent only meant that you had to rush and you knew that better than anyone else, but there was this little voice in the back of your brain that begged you to not take this moment away from Jean. With a final little stroke at Sasha's tomb and a tear running down your wet, stinging eyes before you matched away and to the direction of Marco's grave, you let yourself think you could hear her say a tiny good luck to you.

"Okay, let's go see Marco alright?" Jean said with a hint of glimmer in his eyes "For five minutes."

"Okay and then I'm going to go and have your child."

"Quite literally."

Taglist: @sasageyowrites @ackermans-freedom-inc @melancholicmonologue @ladyofpandemonium @levisbrat25 @callmepromise @hawkssnugget @berrijam @thethyri @nobody-knows-anymore @lzrers

[chimswae]

BTS Caretaker CH7

Summary: She may think she has Bangtan Sonyeondan wrapped around her fingers. She may think it is easy to love the members equally without hurting any soul. She may think the boys wont fall head over heels for her. She assumes it is okay to show a little love and affection towards the boys, what if she gets it all wrong? What if it only brings more complication to her already complicated life? Can she survive their charms? Will she be able to resist them? What if they just wont let her go?

- Pairing: BTS x Oc ( Yoongi x OC, Jungkook x OC)

- Genre: Fluff, Slight Angst, Romance, Idol!au

- Word Count: 2,445

- Author Note: Finally update on time! i appreciate your feedback and comment, just drop in my ASK BOX :)

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Chapter 7

It was Monday again. The light from the sun illuminating her room, shrinking all her thoughts and feelings at once. She really did not want to be in the same building as Bangtan Sonyeondan again. Not after the incident that she tried hard to forget. Yet she failed to do so.

Yesterday, her mother came with bad news claiming she had requested a weekend break from the company. She told them the truth about her health condition which started to deteriorate these past weeks minus the part she couldn’t perform the job and made Seul to replace her instead. At least, she informed them about being sick. Therefore, they agreed on letting her mother work daily instead of everyday. The only change made was her work schedule but not the contract termination.

Groaning mentally, Seul wished her mother would request for contract termination instead of the change in the work schedule. Since Bighit seemed pretty lenient and understanding when it came to their staff’s welfare, she’s sure they wouldn’t force a sick old lady to work her ass off. Unless, the individual didn’t ask for it, so they might assume things were alright. Gosh, as expected who could stop her stubborn mother.

Strutting to the main door, Seul put on her black converse with heavy heart. Deep down in her heart, she hoped none of the boys would be home at this time like before. Even worse, if Min Suga was there again to ruin her day. She would not let him for the second time. Actually, Seul was still embarrassed over the kiss, after contemplating so many times, she decided to face the day as if nothing ever happened previously. She planned in her head, if she ever bumped into Min Suga, she would ignore him without uttering anything.

That would be the best thing to do, right? Maybe for now.

Walking along the street, Seul watched how the mother nature switched from sunny to cloudy in the blink of an eyes. She didn’t even realize, she dragged the time a bit due to her reluctances to tend Bangtan’s dorms today. Seul even purposely took the longer route in hope to clear her messy mind. However, upon seeing the change of weather she decided to head straight to the tiger’s den.

The journey took only 10 minutes from where she stopped to daydreaming a while ago. She entered the password to the apartment with sweaty palm. First of all, she was not ready mentally and physically to face any of the members. Her nervousness soared even higher when the main door opened. Inhaling a deep breath, she stealthily entered the den and to her relief Seul was welcomed by the emptiness and shirts scattered on the floor.

“Thank god” she heaved a sigh of relief.

Seeing how messy the place was, the boys might be barely back at home. It hasn’t even a week, and the place was awfully wrecked. She grunted at the thought of cleaning up the three days mess. It would be a long day for Seul.

Without further ado, she went straight to tend her job started with the living room and pile of dishes. She glanced at the amount of takeout boxes on the table, as she bit her lower lips feeling sympathy for them.

“They are not even eating healthily” she murmured while cleaning the leftover.

 ---------------------

“Make it quick Namjoon. We have to be there on time, you don’t want to be late” warned Manager Sejin. Namjoon dashed out of from the vehicle as fast as lightning without even bother to look back.

“I’ll be quick” he hollered as his body disappeared inside the building.

Clumsy Namjoon stumbled in between the journey whilst running for his life to get his stuff. He approached the door to their place and opened the door hastily as soon as he heard the click sound. His nose caught the smell of detergent from the other side, and he tilted his head curiously at the image in front of him. Their place was cleaned and organized in contrary to few hours ago.

“The ahjumma” his round lips broke into a cheeky smile. His head peeked at the kitchen until he saw a glimpse of shadow coming from the room that he shared with Taehyung. Seul heard a rustling sound coming from her back, and her body froze momentarily. She pulled the mask over her nose covering half of her face. Frankly speaking, her heart pounded furiously against her chest as if it might jump out from it by any seconds from now.

Panic. She shouldn’t be panic.

“Ahjumma?” Seul was taken aback by the manly voice. Who was it this time? She held onto the fibre duster tightly while holding her breath. Seul did not know how to react to that question so instead she chose to remain quiet. Judging from his voice, he didn’t sound like Suga.

Namjoon scratched the back of his head, taking few steps towards Seul “Ahjumma right?” he inquired again.

Silence.

Another silence.

It’s killing Namjoon.

“Ahjumma? Are you alright?” Namjoon decided to slide in front of Seul. There he was standing straight while eyeing the person in front of him worriedly. Seul averted her eyes from meeting Namjoon’s curious one, that guy was trying to read her.

Giving in, Seul nodded indicating she was okay. Soon after, she heard a sigh of relief from the guy in front of him. Funny thing, she found the guy has a unique face and very weird accent. His puffy cheeks and dimples were attractive. Then it hit her, this guy in front of her is the leader, Kim Namjoon. To make it worse, he was a real genius and there was no way she could lie to him without being caught.

Let’s just hope, he is only good in his studies and not that genius when it comes to reading others thought. Seul crossed her fingers.

“Wow, I didn’t expect to meet you after so many years ahjumma. Oh, before I forgot, hello I am Rap Monster, but you can call me Namjoon. I am Bangtan’s leader” he bowed out of respect with a wide smile.

It baffled her for a short while to receive such a deep bow from someone like him, considering Namjoon is older than her. Shoot that, he doesn’t know about her. All he knew was the caretaker is an old ahjumma. Nonetheless, Namjoon is a good guy with manners.

The corner of her lips was tugged into a small smile as she returned the politeness by bowing slightly. Her body went numb. Her mind had stopped working. Should she just play along? As long as she had facemask to cover her face, it should be alright.

“You look younger than I expected. You really took a good care of your skin” Namjoon said sheepishly. The older guy was confused by Seul’s action since she hadn’t uttered any words. He wondered if she was feeling ill or she was just shy.

“Oh I really want to say this since forever, I am not sure when will ever meet again. We are very grateful to have you as our caretaker. And it must be hard to clean up the place by your own considering how messy it could be sometimes. We will try to clean when we can, we apologize for putting all the loads on your shoulder” Seul softened at his sincerity. How can a celebrity like him be so down to earth and even apologize for something that is not even his fault?

Namjoon continued with a shy smile “Ahjumma, thank you for the food that you prepared. You fed us well despite all the rough years that we faced when we first debuted. The food really warmth our heart. It was one of the reasons to keep us going until where we are now” Seul brows flinched together seemed affected of his brief but meaningful speech. She swore to god, she really admires Namjoon’s kindness and humble side. It is rare to find someone like him nowadays.

“I really have a lot of things to say but I am running late. I hope we can meet again soon with others. I will try to talk it out with the management team” he clasped his hand together as his eyes glimmered with hope.

Seul eyes met his as she smiled genuinely under his mask but enough for Namjoon to see it through her eyes. Namjoon was caught at the moment until Taehyung’s voice broke the awkwardness between them.

“NAMJOON HYUNG FASTER FASTER!”

Namjoon blinked with a soft sigh “That is the cue, it is nice meeting you ahjumma. Don’t overwork yourself, I will ask the maknaes to clean up the rest. I guess I will get going now. Have a good day” he bid her farewell and stole a last glance at Seul’s small figure.

I wonder why she didn’t talk, and she does look young. It must be my mind. Namjoon walked up to impatient Taehyung who’s leaning his back against the door.

“What took you so long? Manager hyung is nagging us!” Taehyung frowned.

“I am sorry. I met caretaker ahjumma inside so-“ Taehyung squealed got Namjoon bled in his ears as he held back the excited boy back to where he stood.

The younger guy grinned like a fool “Oh my god where? Let me meet her!” he exclaimed excitedly. Namjoon only shook his head stopping the guy before he could crash inside frightening the hell of the caretaker lady in process.

“Tae, we have shows in few hours. We need to go now. I have told her what we felt, so let’s hope we will be able to meet her again soon alright? Now chill dude, let’s go” he shut the door behind him, dragging the latter using a little force.

“Man, how’s the ahjumma? Is she young as what Yoongi hyung claimed?” he pursed his lips in frustration. He continued to pry answers from Namjoon mainly on the ahjumma’s appearance.

 ------------------------

As clock strikes 2 in the morning, they were finally back at their place. Fatigue. Hunger. Mental exhaustion. You named it, it was written clearly on their forehead. Jin was the first one whom dragged his aching body to the kitchen. A smile appeared on his face upon seeing the amount of food on the table.

“The ahjumma is really back I guess” Jin yelled from the kitchen.

“I told you so” Namjoon grumbled with his eyes close, “I saw her, and she looked sick. I told her to take the cleaning slow today” Yoongi’s ears perked up, showcasing his interest. Could it be the young lady or the real caretaker now? He really had no time to think about the girl who caused chaos to his heart.

Jimin sat up “I think it comes out as habit. Cleaning the place and cook something for us. I am hungry” he got up, pulling sleepy Taehyung with him.

“Chimmy, I want to sleep. Leave me alone” he protested with a pout.

“Let’s eat first! The ahjumma prepared this for us, so show your gratitude by eating it” Jimin patted his friend’s back with a slight chuckle. He even forced Taehyung to sit down on one of the seats and as soon as his butt landed on the cold stool, he rested his forehead on the table.

Cheerful Hoseok entered the scene, stood beside Jin helping him to warm the food for them to savour. A pink sticky note on the fridge caught his attention. With a smile, he took the notes “Guys, ahjumma left us a message” Jungkook yawned loudly resting his chin on Jin’s shoulder watching the older guy doing things with the food inside the pan.

“What did she say?” Jin tapped Jungkook’s head with a clean spoon ordering him to get off him instantly. Jungkook pursed his lips, moving backwards and took a seat beside Taehyung.

“Okay I will read it aloud… Dear boys, I want to make it up to you for my absence last Friday. So here is a feast for you guys. But I seem to miscalculate BTS members, therefore there is no food for Min Yoongi. I apologize, I must be getting old already. Eat and rest well..” Hoseok gawked at the last sentences “Is this a prank?”

At the mention of his name Yoongi arose from his seat, charging towards Hoseok, snatching the pink notes from his hand. He scanned the notes diligently ensuring the notes were not a mere tease by Hoseok. His breath hitched “What the fuck?” he cussed lowly.

“Are you kidding me? Hoseok stop joking around” Jin placed the heated food on the table. Even the sleepy Namjoon and Taehyung looked at Yoongi’s direction with so much interest. Now, that was dramatic. Out of all the members why would she pinpoint Yoongi?

“She seemed to be holding grudge against you? Was it due to the last week incident?” Jimin poked his chopstick at the food in front of him, while shoving some inside his mouth.

Yoongi rubbed his temple, digesting this new information again “I am sure she is hiding something. Can’t you believe me? She is the sasaeng fan! The girl that came into our place pretending to be the caretaker ahjumma. Joon, come on you saw her earlier. You could tell if she is old or not!” he scowled.

 Yoongi believed that was the way of Seul to get revenge on him. It never dawned on him that he would hear from Seul again. This thing with Seul was driving him up the wall. Just who on earth is Seul?

“Well…She doesn’t look that old. I can’t tell much since she is wearing a facemask. But, if she really is a sasaeng, why would she clean our place? Seriously hyung. You must have done something to upset her” Namjoon crossed his arms, looking alarmed.

Hoseok rubbed the back of his head “Maybe she is sick of cleaning your messy room” earning a deep glare from the older guy.

“Okay maybe not” Hoseok chickened away and immediately settled down beside Jimin.

His tummy was screaming for food at first now he’s slowly losing his appetite. Yoongi turned to leave others for a long bath, but only to come at halt “Yah, aren’t you going to eat?” said Jin.

“Nevermind. I am full. Go ahead and eat” he ditched the kids behind and headed straight to his room. Because after all there is no food for Min Yoongi. He grinded his teeth together.

Just wait, I will expose you for sure. Yoongi rolled his eyes.

This work belongs to  Chimswae © 2020. All Rights Reserved.

[musicalmukebox]

Let’s Get (Back) Together | l.h. (15)

Ctto of the gifs used!!

AU: Parent Trap Dad!Luke

Summary: A strong love which led to a strong marriage and twin daughters. Yet in the end, it didn’t turn out so well. You strongly refuse to encounter him ever again. But what happens when both of you coincidentally send your twin daughters to the same summer camp in Florida after 10 years?

Word Count: 11k

Warnings: angst, swearing, sweet sweet revenge, verbal and almost physical fighting, mental breakdowns, s e x u a l tension

A/N: Gahhh it’s around 1:40 am here! I enjoyed writing this chapter like wooo! I hope you guys won’t find it too cheesy or underwhelming! First, I wanna thank my parents for giving me the medical terms mentioned here, though I still struggle with capturing some concepts of it haha! And by the way, I found out the Parent Trap film just celebrated its 20th year anniversary since its release a few months ago. Pretty coincidental to say the least! Anyways, enjoy!

I don’t own Parent Trap and its ideas. It’s only used as inspiration.

1 / 2A / 2B / 2C / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 / 14 / 15

Feedback/Questions/Others? Here.

-

2022, Los Angeles

These past weeks, you’ve created a new daily routine. Or rather, your body did.

Wake up suddenly. Race to the bathroom. Vomit your guts out. Go back to sleep. Wake up to get ready for work. Prepare breakfast. Race back to the bathroom. Vomit again. Fully lose your appetite. Take a shower. Get dressed. Drive to the studios or film settings. 

It pretty much varies, but this was a close one to each passing day. You ached the rush of your guts boiling up to your throat because it was physically draining and hindering you from current filming projects. Also to your disdain, Luke was on a mini tour at the moment, so you were on your own for this, though it was bound to end soon so a speedy recovery must be in order. But he knew what you were going through due to your nightly (or morning) video calls you do almost every day whenever both of you can.

“Are you sure you’re really okay, (Y/N)? I can ask Eleanor to come over and help.”

“No need! I’m fine, Luke. Just need more rest, that’s all.”

Even though the directors of latter were lenient and kind enough to give you some rest days since they knew how much of a busy woman you’ve become, you still felt bad because it looked as if you haven’t taken care of yourself too well with your condition.

Was it something you ate? Did you exert too much effort to the point your body couldn’t handle it? Are you overworking on these projects? Seriously, did you or Luke cook something that actually expired?

Actually before the nausea, fatigue has hit you faster before you begin working on-set. Thus, sitting out became a norm that quick. Going home after is just exhausting, and crashing on the bed is a lot easier than usual. Not really a bad thing, but you still had to work on your lines and respond to emails. Alongside that, you’ve suddenly gained weight despite the nausea. Your jeans don’t fit like they used to and mostly, you prefer wearing crop tops and sweaters instead of anything tight. 

The last straw was today, when you no longer tolerated that insane wave of nausea that hit almost every thirty minutes in the late morning which clashed with the fatigue. Only now were you growing concerned on your health since you figured it firstly to be a stomach virus, but it could possibly more than that. Hence, you needed to get a clear idea of what is happening to you. So today, you excused yourself again to the director of one of the filming shootings for the day due to health reasons, and urgently went to the hospital. Fortunately, he freely allowed you to do so because you had one of the lead roles, and really wanted make sure that everyone was healthy.

By chance, no paparazzi was present in the area, which made it easier to check inside. Seeking guidance from any expert in the lobby as soon as you walked in, a young looking woman in her green scrubs raced to your aid, probably an intern in her twenties who was starstruck by your appearance by the way she beamed when she greeted you.

“Omg hi, Miss (Y/L/N)! How may I help you?”

Although flattered, you bluntly gave her the synopsis of your physical well-being. “Well, something’s odd with my health, like I’ve been easily tired these past weeks, and vomiting hardcore too which makes me lose a lot of sleep. Today took a toll me while at work, so I just want a clear idea of what’s happening because I’m pretty nervous and hoping it’s not serious that it could affect my work ethic.”

Upon talking, she was taking down of everything and it didn’t take too long for her to think of a procedure or solution to assist you. “Oh no! It’s a good thing you’ve come today. I suggest you take a blood test, which you can get the results of next week if that would be okay. Though for nausea, avoid oily foods and eat something bland like pretzels.”

As impatient as you were feeling now due to the tension of what’s happening within you, you trusted her opinion and pushed through with it. “Alright, I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Good! Now, may I lead you to the institute of pathology? That’s where the laboratory is for blood extraction.”

“Surely, lead the way.”

-

“And we’re done!” The phlebotomist, or someone who extracts blood from you aka. the patient for testing, exclaims as she ejected the needle from your forearm and untied the tourniquet right above. Internally, you celebrated for facing your long fear of needles for the sake of your health.

“Thanks so much, love. I hope it’s nothing serious.”

“I doubt that it is. You’re practically glowing and fit since you’ve acted and done your own stunts in your films too. Also c’mon, your body is goals!”

Gushing, “Aww, thanks again.” You attempted to stand up from the seat, but it only made you dizzy so you sat back down. You weren’t even in a rush, self. Chill. “Wow, I’m getting dizzy and tired so fast nowadays honestly. This sucks.”

“What else have you been feeling then? – By the way, I’m Claire.” She introduced whilst asking, tucking away your blood sample in a cabinet.

“Nice to meet you, Claire. Hmm well,” You leaned back in the chair to suit your comfort. “I get the most absurd food cravings at weird times yet there is non-stop vomiting late in the morning especially. I gained weight too, where I can’t fit some of my jeans and shorts and wearing tight tops and bras are suffocating. Also whenever I try to go to gym, the fatigue kicks in. Actually, the fatigue is always there, but they get worse like the vomiting.”

“Oh, I see.” Claire, who just sat across from you, listened and put her mind into use of what may have caused this, although the answer was so predictable to her and still wanted to inquire. “Have you been … sexually active recently? I mean, you are married and all to Luke Hemmings!”

You gushed again since you weren’t much to talk about your sex life with him, covering your burning cheeks. But if it’s meant to help you, then by all means go. “Last time we’ve gone at it was around 2-3 months ago, right before he went on a mini tour in the country.”

“Interesting. - When was the last time you’ve got your period?”

Frankly, you weren’t much to check on your menstruation patterns nowadays since you’re too time consumed with your career. Besides, if it’s arrives, you have pads prepared back at home. “I don’t remember. I’ve been so distracted to keep track. Why is that so important?”

“Oh my god, is it that hard to unravel? – Morning sickness, weight gain, weird cravings, over fatigue, late period?” She asked back, cracking an enthusiastic smile. But you shook your head, still not understanding where she’s getting at.

“Though I’m glad you took this blood test to be sure, my motherly instincts are telling me that you, Mrs. (Y/N) Hemmings, are pregnant.”

-

A week later, and she was right.

You received from the mail the results, which confirmed your suspicions. Since that extraction, you couldn’t stop thinking about it despite everything making much more sense now. All the symptoms were exactly what Eleanor felt when she was still pregnant with Nick, how naïve of you to have not realized sooner!

The need to tell Luke in person as soon as possible is making you impatient, and you were in utter luck that he was coming home tonight already after months.

You were still in contact with Claire, who was ecstatic for you when you told her and hastily recommended you to the best OB-GYN doctor in the hospital named Dr. Katherine Han. Booking an appointment today was challenging at first, but luckily, you got it. Waiting outside her clinic, her secretary kindly invited you in. “Dr. Han is ready to see you, Mrs. Hemmings.”

Dr. Han, or Kate as she fully claimed, scanned through your results happily, recommended the necessary vitamins and insisted you afterwards to make an ultrasound to inspect on your unborn child. “This is pretty exciting, must I say?”

Unquestionably, yes. Maybe, at first, you freaked out because that would mean a lot of adjustments. You and Luke have talked about before about wanting kids later in your marriage, when you’ve toned down from your busy lifestyles. But now, who cares? Your mindset changed drastically, and the idea of carrying a little life inside you was mind-blowing. It was actually happening.

With that idea having you feel thrilled for the next months to come. But the moment you lied down on the examination bed and put up your blouse, there was already a bump, which is unlikely since it’s early in the pregnancy. Regardless, you then felt the wand move below your abdomen with the cold gel, you were breathless of what your eyes witnessed on the screen.

“You see that flickering light? That’s the heartbeat. Let me raise the volume of it.” 

Doing as she said, the thumping increased and you felt goosebumps grow in your entire body. There was the little bean in its glory, your little bean.

“Oh wait a minute.” She paused briefly, raising the wand higher to show another flickering light and an echo of sounds. “Looks like you have two healthy heartbeats. – Congrats, Mrs. Hemmings. You’re expecting twins. Would you like a copy of the sonogram?”

Just as you though things couldn’t get any better, you’ll get two little bundles of you. Okay, maybe one mini-you and one mini-Luke. Though if they are both mini-Luke’s, it’s alright too. It’ll be a quite a mess since Luke is practically a man-child. But, who cares?

“Mrs. Hemmings?” Too absorbed in your thoughts, you haven’t answered the doctor’s question.

“Yes please.”

-

As great and fantastic these news were, you were bound to surprise Luke this when he gets home. It’s been quite a while. Also, you really wanted him to be the first to know before telling anyone else. Since your careers are already over the top, you planned to just keep it simple. Besides, the both of you weren’t much into giving lavish luxury items, well except on special occasions. 

But on a normal basis? Nah, you’d like to save some money for the future. Most likely for education. It’s always nice to think ahead.

There were balloons on the walls and some tied down the legs of the side tables, where you were sat by the couch with a small bag of goodies were inside with a mutual meaning. Time is ticking on your watch, and Luke could be home any minute now. He’ll be exhausted since he’ll be coming back from New York. You’ve missed him so much, where neither video not phone calls were not as sufficient as physical contact. Especially the rated R ones!

Well, before you got “sick”.

Your calm body was sprawled on the couch, trying new positions that’ll suit best for your little beans and scrolling up and down possible room decorations to purchase. Oh yes, baby fever is real with you, starting with the nickname of little beans. While at your enjoyable daze, you can hear the fumbling of the door knob from the outside, unlocking it. Struggling to roll down his huge luggages and his dufflebag as his hand carry, he dropped them immediately.

“I’m home!”

For him, all he knew was that his home is wherever you are. 

There he was in his glory. His hair was a lot messier as compared to usual, his facial expressions of tiredness from the long trip but still gave a loud greeting that could get a noise complaint from the neighbors.

Again.

“Luke!” You shot up from your seat, catching his attention. Upon hearing, he knew in a snap you were in the living room. He hoped you cooked dinner or something because as much as he did like eating everywhere from hotel rooms and famous restaurants, nothing beats yours. But then again, you’ve been sick so probably not. As long as he gets to see you, he’ll be happy.

Advancing there, he lightened up at the sight of you, as if you were glowing like the sickness never bothered at all. The blue dress you had on with your beaming smile had him fall over heels all over again. Absolutely smitten.  Alongside that, another thing that caught his eyes were the few balloons that bordered where you stood. Coming home from tour or a trip has never been new to since your jobs require to, yet little additions like them was blissful. He couldn’t waste anymore time, running to you and lifting you up in a tight hug by the waist.

Gasping at such suddenness, you enveloped your arms around his neck whilst internally praying he doesn’t crush the little beans, even by a bit. He then puts you down not so long after, giving you a lingering kiss on yours. He could care less if he would get sick. Tour is over anyways, and he has a break before going back to business. 

God, feeling them just never gets old nor unsatisfying, like they were custom made just for you. “I’ve missed you so much.” 

“I missed you too, love. These past months felt way too long.” Dragging the “too”, his interest returned on the balloons. As a symbol of celebration and surprises, something is up. Maybe he was just overreacting, considering this homecoming was a celebration in itself. 

As he felt your arms linger away his neck, you brought out the small bag of goodies from the floor, preparing yourself for the reveal. “I came across some items you might like when I was the way home.” 

He grew skeptical, but he went along with it. Taking a seat right beside you, he rummaged through them and brought it all out, laying them on the coffee table right in front.

“Hmm,” He begins his close observation. “An orange-flavored Caprisun, animal crackers and Starburst. Well, maybe for you, they were some of your favorite childhood snacks. I only liked the  Starburst. – I’m still pretty lost with this.”

Not bad, he got a keyword: childhood.

This next step is the climax, which involved a sealed envelope from your jacket right beside you. It was quite nervewracking at first, but you came this far and nonetheless of his reaction, it wouldn’t affect how you feel towards the beans. “Here. Maybe this can make much more sense.”

He was so confused, but you didn’t blame him. “You’re scaring me, love.”

“Just open it.” You laughed, anticipating for too long and wanting already to see his reaction. Unsealing it felt like a lifetime, also ripping it a bit in the middle. There he saw two folded pieces of paper and took them out. The first was a short note, which he read aloud.

“Hello there! So as of now, we can’t eat and drink those treats so you can have them! Maybe give us around 6-7 months and we’ll steal them from you! We can’t wait to meet you, dad! Love, Little Bean 1 and Little Bean 2.”

Dad.

It took him seconds to sink in the premise of the surprise. Unfolding the last paper, it was the ultrasound from early afternoon, his mouth hanging down from the surprise and racing happiness that he was gaining. There was still a short sentence written on the back side.

“Turns out it wasn’t the flu or a virus. It’s just us adjusting, sorry for hurting mom though.”

From his contagiously, cute smile, he was the exact opposite of what you were overthinking previously. He was at a loss of words as he repeatedly looked back in forth at the goodies and the letters before facing you, having a matching smile and blushing. To add, he got up on his feet to really sink the information further because he was too happy.

“I’m pregnant, Luke.” You blurted, no more holding back.

Luke swore he was breathless for a moment, before lifting you up again and back into his arms you were. “Oh my God, wow. Fuck. – This is the best thing I’ve heard all day!” You were laughing too hard from his reaction, and as he put you down, he was literally filled with so much adoration for you.

“It’s actually happening! Like you’re going to be a mom, I’m going to be a dad, we’ll be parents! And twins?!”

“It’s going to be double trouble but double fun, right?” You reassured, only leading him to pull you closer for a kiss on your forehead.

“Fuck yeah. I hope they have your nose though.” He booped your nose, knowing that it annoys you often. But you let it pass.

“I hope they have your blue eyes, they are gorgeous.” You complimented, grazing a finger on his scruffy face. You were equally appreciating every facial feature of each other, giving more “I hope’s” back and forth and then confidently, you tiptoed to place your lips against him, sharing a much more passionate kiss that can are as equal to the kisses from your consummation.

He was the first to pull back, desiring to place his available hand on your lower abdomen with a grin so pure it can spread world peace. “There’s a little us there, and I’ll make sure to take care of the three of you.” Your hormones were about to get the best of you, but you didn’t let it control you for now.

“God, can we just stay in this moment forever? It’s too amazing.” He pleaded, looking directly in your eyes.

“I really do as well, but if it helps,” You pointed your finger at the fireplace, where a tiny camera was situated. “I recorded the whole thing for us to look past on.”

He couldn’t get any more blessed and grateful for you, scattering your entire face with pecks. “Fuck, I love you so much. I can never picture anyone else having my children except you.”

Your heart was fleeting crazily, but his cursing was all over the place which is now considered unacceptable in this household. “I love you so much too, Luke. – But one, stop swearing around me, or at least minimize it. They can hear you, you know?” He frowned in guilt, but when you laughed out the seriousness, you declared once more.

“Second, you’re the only person I would ever want to have a domestic life with.”

-

2034, Sydney

It was 4 am, and most of the adults were passed out drunk in their separate bedrooms in the second floor. The house they were lodging currently had 4 stories with a basement. In the third floor, there were designated rooms for the young boys and girls. Stella and Rebecca currently shared a bed and a room with Scarlett and Beatrix. Yet, it was Rebecca to get up first due to the soft alarm she set on her phone. Good thing no one else heard it or else Scarlett would be complaining so much about how precious sleep is.

Shaking her sister gently to wake up, it didn’t take too long before she groggily did, having some of her blonde strands covering her visage and lips. When she blew them off, her eyes crinkled open more from the flashlight Rebecca switched on since Stella was arrogant to move at first. But because now she couldn’t fall back into sleep, she urged her body to get upright and focus on her awoken twin.

“God, this bed was too comfortable like you said.” She stretched her arms, unwrapping her tiny body from the duvet and put on her slippers.

“I told you so! Anyways, we need to grab some things at the kitchen and pantry first.” Rebecca tells, adjusting her sweater and jumps out the bed with her phone. Slowly sneaking out the door without disturbing anyone else, the twins tiptoed their way to the stairs and hurried to the pantry where a huge chunk of their needed materials lied.

Rebecca switched on the light, a mischievous smirk forming in her face as she stepped on the mini ladder so she could reach items that were up in the shelves. Stella watched her, making sure she doesn’t trip or anything, but she also took some items on the lower shelves they knew they would need. When they finished, they gathered their things and laid them down on the kitchen island, arranging and checking them orderly.

“Hair dye?” Stella asked.

“Got it. Honey?” Rebecca picks the item up for showing.

“Check. Balloons?”

“Done.”

As they completed in reviewing their materials, “You ready for this, brat?”

“Fuck yeah. Sierra deserves only the worse.”

“Truly. So Camp War 2.0? Let’s get to work.”

-

Phase 1.

Luke dazedly woke up to do his morning run around 6 in the morning in hopes to watch the sunset by the cliff that he loves to do alone. He was blessed to not have gotten wasted like Ashton. Tying the shoelaces of his shoes and inserting his airbuds, he was on his way out the house. Sierra was in a peaceful slumber for quite some time – That was until the first alarm from her phone hit piercingly. Groaning, one eyelid was open to stop it. She didn’t recall putting any alarms before getting to bed, but nonetheless, she wanted to claim back her beauty sleep.

But the second alarm then came around not even 10 minutes later, and there she was annoyed. Muttering profanities under her breath, she turned it off and tossed back to her initial sleeping position. Unfortunately, the deafening sound of the alarm messed with her mind, which made her lose the drowsiness. No longer forcing it, she rose from her side of the bed with bad bed head. Disoriented by her “dysfunctional” phone, the first thing she was looking for was her glasses, which is usually by her bed side so she can properly operate. However, it wasn’t there as she rummaged it. Odd again, but she ignored it again since just a few hours, she was drunk off her butt and probably left it someplace else.

With blurry vision, she stumbled her way to the bathroom, discarding her pajamas to take a warm shower. Here, another scheme is set. Putting on shampoo is a normal thing when cleaning yourself, only that when Sierra applies it on her hair, it gradually left her a raging red shade. 

It didn’t process to her what was happening until she saw the shower floor filled with red water. At first, she figured that she got her period, but she just got it 2 weeks ago and it’s long ended. Pulling the handle open of the shower, she went nearer to the mirror to see what has took place. 

“Fucking shit!” How did this happen? Did she take the wrong shampoo? The smell was right though. Maybe there was a chemical malfunction, and she has to get this fixed as soon she can because God knows how much more damage it can bring. Also, email the company about this. 

Rinsing it off with a towel, she changed into cleaner clothes and pretty set for the day, knowing she has a few things on her agenda already. She likes to be productive after all. But first, breakfast. She just needed her phone to do some contacting. When she got ahold of it on her bedside, she received a message. 

 [6:40 AM] Future Husband: just went out for a run! but i have a surprise for you downstairs in the basement, come check it out x 

 She loved surprises, where she gets to be spoiled rotten by absolutely anything she wants. And since recently he’s been so distant due to the whole surprise family reunion, she assumed that he felt bad and is making up for it. 

 [6:50 AM] Sierraaaaa: just showered babe, i’m gonna check it out! love you, hubba!

 Meanwhile from the work room, where security cameras were placed in the major rooms like the basement, living room, the small lobby, and patio, Rebecca and Stella were imitating vomiting sounds due to the pet names Sierra gave. “So this is dating works, huh? Just bleh!” 

“I suppose so. Good thing I’m too young for that! - Shit, she’s by the staircase already!” 

They watched carefully her movements, hoping she doesn’t take any unnecessary detours and giggling at the new hair color on the side. When Sierra reaches the end of the corridor of the first floor, which leads to a another staircase going to the basement, the girls were on the edge of their seats, giddy. There were two open tabs on the desktop computer they were using, one showing Sierra and the other on the basement. The latter was a total and messy obstacle, which was about to be unleashed in less than a minute.

“Fuck, let’s get the actual party started!” Stella exclaimed. 

Phase 2.

“Hope you like it, babe. Love, Luke.” Sierra reads the sign on the door, pumped up what lies behind the wooden door. With the suspense it expressed, Sierra couldn’t wait any longer and unlocked the door in front of her.

It was quite dark since the curtains were spread open at the large open doors on her left, so through her eyes, she searched for any light buttons to switch on. Luckily, there was one on her left, but it was pretty far from where she stood, so she moved her body to do so minimally. However, as she did, she actually overpassed a light string that was connected to the light switches. Instead, she slipped on the floor instantly and caught the tacky view of the basement.

First feature: A mixture of honey and maple syrup spread throughout the floor like peanut butter on bread.

She slid so fast throughout the entire interior of the room like an indoor slip-and-slide, hitting the corners and sides of the walls with almost every part of her body. Her mind was spinning, and every time she tried to get back on her feet, the syrup would always make her tumble repeatedly. Unfortunately enough, she had no protective gear on her figure to keep her safe from the friction and bumping the hardness, most especially her head. Yet there was another detail that got her much more drenched.

Second feature: There were numerous balloons surrounded in the entire room that were either filled with air or water.

Whilst sliding, different balloons were popping around her as she hit different spots of the room. When did, she’d pop a few balloons in the process that would either trigger her sensitive ears or wet any parts of her body. This went on many times because she really tried her best to stand up and evacuate this mess. Here, her body was reconnecting also with the discomforting syrup then faced one last detail.

Third Feature: One of the light switches from a while ago was connected to the electric fan above her, which would rain the room with feathers.

Various sizes of feathers would glue to her soaking clothing. She sneezed at every encounter she got with them, meaning that she was continuously sneezing during the entire experience. No part of her body was spared, resulting to looking like a hairy chicken, especially with the red hair!

“Bok bok, bitch.” Rebecca referenced Rachel Cho, satisfied by the ugliness of the maze which got Sierra the deserved treatment. But that so-called maze wasn’t the end just yet.

Phase 3, aka. the total knockout.

Drenched and still slipping numerously, her rage and annoyance levels skyrocketed into inflation. Thus, it resulted into passionate and thunderous screams, almost like someone was being murdered. She wanted to get out of this horrendous room, and back to the bathroom to rinse off. But on top of that, she wanted to fight whoever was in charge of this, and she knew exactly who they were. Who else?

“Absolute brats!” 

Since it was impossible to go back to the main door unless she wanted to slip and fall again, she resolved into opening the big, wide doors facing the beach. Carefully taking her time making steps, she pushed them out, relieved that her stay at that maze was over.

Or was it?

Right above where she was drenching and groaning from discomfort, another line of string hung by her eyes with a tiny note with another message. “You think it was over? – P.S. flip over this note.”

She pulled it out strongly, unfolding it effortlessly because she wanted to know more about the minds of the sinister sisters. Little did she know that a bucket of chocolate syrup was stationed right above her, where a friendly creature was swimming in it, or possibly drowning.

“You mess with our parents, you mess with us. Also, look up. – R & S”

Right on cue, she tilted her head upwards and low and behold, the sticky substance splattered all over her entire body, coating the water and honey from earlier. It was almost Carrie 2.0, except there was no huge audience except the twins, who were busy rejoicing for their success. It came upon them of how smart they work together than against each other like in camp, gladly knowing that they have a valid reason to act so. Besides, they are young and bright, they have to hone their growing potentials.

Sierra remained still and quiet, trying to regain her composure because she will not let the brats win over. It took her years to get to where she is, and she will strike back because losing to them is basically like losing to you. However, that idea was scratched off as soon she felt something crawl above her dyed hair. She was disturbed at the foreign sensation, reaching over it to get a touch of what it is. When she did, it continued to brisk off and by the rough skin and long tail, it was a lizard. And she screamed bloody murder when the lizard slid down to her face, even went to her mouth! Spitting it out along other saliva that was contaminated, she attained her breaking point, finally fed up and throwing numerous tantrums like the spoiled woman she is.

“Wait, where again did you find the creepy crawly, Stella?” Rebecca asks, watching Sierra and enjoying herself at her rage.

“When I was placing the bucket by the ledge of the patio. He was crawling everywhere, but I figured he’d be important.”

Just in time with her screams, Luke just arrived back at the house from his morning jog. Removing his airbuds, he could easily determine the voice and raced to where it was occurring. But when he got to the living room so he could get to the patio and see the commotion, he was beaten to it when a soaked Sierra stormed inside with a frustrated look on her face. She pushed away any object within her vicinity and kicked some chairs too, beyond pissed. It wasn’t too long when the other boys and their families were disrupted from their rest and came running down the stairs, seeking answers towards the unexpected fuss. Just like Luke, they thought that she looked like an absolute, hot mess, psyched and intrigued by who could’ve pulled off such an accident.

“Wha-What the fuck happened, babe?” It was all he can come up with at the spur of the moment, his focus more on her newly dyed hair that just didn’t suit her with the chocolate syrup dripping on the wooden floor.

All this pent frustration and the newly added one began to overtake her mind and mouth. She was officially done. When she took a few steps closer to him, “Here's what's going on, buddy, your twins happened! The day we say “I do" is the day I ship those brats off to Switzerland or maybe give them fully to (Y/N). Get the picture? It's me or them. Take your pick.”

Right after she spits her fire, muffled voices blasted from the speakers in that room. Those speakers can be activated a few ways, commonly through Bluetooth or the aux cord from the work room. Rapidly, the device boosted in volume, giving a clearer hearing of what was being voiced out.

It was none other than last night’s convo between Sierra and Arzaylea.

The two and everyone else paused themselves momentarily to take a listen, and in the end were they stopped dead on their tracks by the intensity and ruthlessness of the situation. Though humiliation additionally crashed on Sierra because she was the main involving party.

Oh, poor Luke. The big secret behind his psychotic fiancée was uncovered and served like a slap on the face. Somehow, everything these past years made much more sense. That honestly pep talk she gave yesterday was pure bull. Everything about her was an ongoing façade.

Once the audio reached its end, the twins publicly made their entrance from the work room, giving off their petty and naughty smirks to their main target. So far, so very good.

“Woah, good morning everyone.” Rebecca greeted innocently.

“What’s for breakfast?” Stella continued on casually.

But Luke wasn’t having it, too frazzled by the situation within the room and couldn’t even look at Sierra when she tried to capture his attention numerously during that audio play. “Alright girls, quit playing. What is going on?”

No more sweet talk, just get down to the business.

“Wasn’t the audio enough, dad? Aunt Sierra over here is a lie.” Stella claimed strongly, pointing at the messy woman.

“Dad, please don’t be associated with her anymore. She’s been manipulative before we were even born!” Rebecca defended further, which finally gave Sierra the balls to speak up for herself.

“That audio you gave could’ve been self-made! What other allegations can you give?” She tested, trying to redefine her name. Aish, wrong move. Rebecca was actually bundling up pieces of paper in her arms, and once she opened them up, “Do screenshots of conversations between you, TMZ, Perez Hilton, US weekly and many more tabloid platforms count? Also saw money and private information were involved too.”

“By the way, aunt Sierra, be careful for your surroundings before running your mouth and opening your devices. This house isn’t as big as you think it is.”

First passing it to Luke for his viewing before giving them to Michael, and just by the tired look he had post-work out he begun with, he grew mentally disheartened by the accuracy of his twins’ accusations about his fiancée. Though mischievous, they weren’t wrong at all.

“Ooh, got an extra audio file that can count as evidence if you don’t mind.” Stella added, excusing herself to return to the work room and play the file of Sierra’ conversation at the Forum. The strong persona of Sierra turned weak again when the papers were handed to different people and that extra audio blasted. Her exposure was forceful, and she had nothing else to say or do to deny them especially since the twins were stating facts.

Luke just listened to Sierra’s hurtful words, in disbelief that she was capable to do this all behind his back for the past decade. He was frozen at his standing position, wanting this to all be from the crazy part of his imagination. But once he was fixated with Sierra’s when he almost spaced out, he looked away quickly at disappointment. Sierra saw that short glimpse, still immersed on his facial features that drooped down. “L-Luke, please let me ex-”

Luke cut her off, putting his hand near her face so she would stop blabbering. “So this whole time, you wrecked our marriage?”

“Wait, ple-”

Luke kept going with his questioning. “You’ve planned this whole thing out vividly so that you and I would be the endgame?”

“Luke, st-”

“This meant having to ruin the lives of (Y/N), Becks and Stella?!”

Silenced and interrupted repetitively, Sierra couldn’t contain the concoction of the variety of emotions boiling up in her system. All these years she’s bottled them up has made her insane, insane to do absolutely anything for this particular man that has once helped her genuinely in the past. But in the end, she doomed herself to unsuccessfulness and obsession. All eyes were on her now, and she really is trying to compose and defend herself in her own words despite either way, she was going to lose. But those smirks of the twins which exactly resemble yours ticked her off completely.

“All of the actions I’ve done were out of 18 years of loving you, Luke! I was always there for you, way before (Y/N) came in the picture. Your breakup with Arzaylea? I was there. When people criticized the band’s hiatus and music post-Sounds Good, Feels Good and you needed moral support? I was also there. Every drinking session you wanted and invited me to out of celebration or sadness in your old home? I was fucking there! How did you not see that? We had something going on, but it was so effortlessly destroyed when she kissed you in that Valentine music video! Since then, I never liked her because I just knew she lured you in and used you so she could be famous. I just couldn’t allow that to happen, so I had to do what was best for you. Besides, if she trusted you, she could’ve told you the real behind the scenes of our relationship and we would’ve not been friends anymore. Gosh, secrecy! But I knew how to use my words so she wouldn’t bother to tell you anything. So yeah, the bitch does not deserve you, Luke. And those brats you call daughters are just as sneaky as she is!”

There it is.

The unsaid has finally dropped, which may have brought embarrassment because Sierra didn’t hold back nor had any filter to fix her words if she was to be misread. The rawness of it was a bombshell since no one ever expected it, even you if you were present. Luke felt as if he was stabbed in the gut mercilessly, not wanting to acknowledge her. Her so-called assumptions on what she thought was good for him was beyond ill-advised. Now one thing is guaranteed: she was the biggest factor to the destruction of your marriage.

“And you think you’re deserving?! Since when were you knowledgeable to know what was good for me?! I understand that you were trying to look out for me behind the scenes, but to hurt people in the process is different!!” His voice was on full blast, startling everyone and putting them on the edge as the rising drama climaxed. Sierra buried her face in her hands, put on the spot to reply back, but either way, it was a lose-lose situation. Luke’s fists balled up and hit the first thing he saw, which was a box of Lucky Charms.

“All the controversies you’ve had, I’ve looked past them because you’re a genuine and talented girl. Turns out you’ve fooled us all. Honesty is the best policy you also said yesterday, bullshit!” No one expected him to swear, making the boys and their wives cover some of their kids’ ears.

Sierra grabbed him by the arm to make him look at her. “I still am that girl, Luke. Let’s sort this out, please.”

“You never were.” Luke swat her hand away, but still turned around with a face as red as a tomato. A mix of post-workout exhaustion and frustration. “You know, (Y/N) had her own hustle, having to balance university while looking for job opportunities. Meeting her was a coincidence gone right. I thought I could fix you and your controversies, help make you become greater than that. Yet, it but turns out that you can only fix yourself, and you failed badly.”

Sierra needed to speak, she had to. Regardless of the risks. “Wow, now you’re defending your ex-wife? Last time I checked, you no longer wanted to be associated with her because she broke it off and hurt you so bad!”

Although truth was spilled, Luke began to pick up on her words and tried to piece them together with past events. Then, he realizes how some connect to each other. “She broke it off because the rumors you’ve paid to get done was a bad environment for our family then and we began to lose trust in each other. But you know what the worst thing was that occurred in that kind of setting?”

“What?” She had the nerve to cross her arms in a cocky manner.

Luke’s walls were near to breaking, but he didn’t want to leave the fight losing. “Because of the divorce, it led to half custody, meaning my twins, or “brats” as you said were robbed of a happy and full family. All thanks to you.”

To top off the cherry on top, Luke stepped a little closer to Sierra and ordered, “Leave.”

“Excuse me?” She sneered, putting a hand on her chest.

“L-E-A-V-E, Sierra. Get the picture?” Luke hissed. “You are a love-blinded psycho. By the way you said my twins are sneaky is saying that I am too because they are half of me! With this leave you’ll take is a leave from my life for good. I don’t know about the rest of everyone here, but I have lost all interest to be involved with you. So do leave the ring too, then bring all your stuff and never ever show yourself to me. You have done enough.”

His rage reached its peak, still not moving one bit. As much as they were aware that they’ve succeeded, the twins did not apprehend that their father would be severely affected in the process. All they wanted to do was prove a point and hence, they did get their justice. But for him to become sadder too wasn’t in their truest intention. They were too blinded and motivated in getting the both of you together by doing their war that they didn’t think through of the consequences.

“Luke, I-”

“Did I fucking stutter, Sierra? Leave!”

Sierra threw a hissy fit at the treatment she finally deserved, and angrily walks out of the living room. Luke remained unmoved, but warm tears swelled down his cheeks. He didn’t bother to rub them off, and as vulnerable as he is already, he tried to stay strong and hold it in.

“Luke,” Calum bravely took initiative to comfort his friend, only for Luke to finally move backwards away from his friend from this anxiety that overfilled his entire being.

“Don’t touch me, just stay away from me. Please!” He skipped to the workroom and locked himself inside, where he was left with himself to completely crash down and bawl out his pushed back emotions.

That reluctance to recognize them? Gone.

Emotional walls? Vanished.

He whimpered loudly, punching the different pillows in the couch along with knick-knacks on the desks. Pain was prevalent everywhere. Though his fists were bruised, his heart was deeply affected because he relied on his mind to give the practical solutions. Not entirely wrong, but with complete disregard of his heart meant disregarding his feelings, bottling them up for too long.

It was too difficult to make things seem normal in the household now.

Calum and Michael really did their best to change the atmosphere of the entire room by preparing breakfast, cracking eggs and bringing out the pancake mixes. Crystal needed to walk out to the patio to get fresh air away from the stuffiness. Ashton and Bryana were trying to think of easy ways on how to answer the questions from their children about Sierra since it wasn’t something they’ve ever seen before. Eleanor wasn’t too behind to follow Sierra’s steps, but not too near for the latter to see her. Arriving at her door and leaning against, she watches the ex-fiancée angrily throw different items in her dufflebag, observing how much she wanted to leave this situation.

“I’ve always had strong feelings you were still as controversial back in the day.”

She sensed a sneaky smirk from the brunette, who zipped up her packed bag and put the strap on her shoulder. Back on her feet, she came closer to Eleanor with that exact cocky expression. “You should’ve stopped me then, but you didn’t.”

As she tried to get on her way, Eleanor blocked her way, not letting her get off the hook that easily. “That was because I believed you could’ve grown better, but you chose to be a lot worse. Trashy even.”

“Ugh, harsh. But you may have forgotten that I am a girl who is passionate, who’ll do whatever it takes to get what and who I want in life. Luke isn’t something I could swipe left, babe.”

“Have you no pity or a heart?! You destroyed the well-beings of two of the most kind-hearted people, even got their children involved! - I’m so glad you were exposed. The bitch as you’ve described my best friend? Her intellect and determination were traits passed on the twins. With you, all you could ever give is your body and manipulation.”

Sierra’s jaw clicked, her free hand preparing to slap Eleanor, but she beat her it. Gripping her wrist tight that it could leave a mark, “Smart and nice way to accept loss, babe. Also by the way, I see something that doesn’t belong to you anymore.”

Referring to the diamond engagement ring, Eleanor removed her grip to the hand and watches with keen sight on Sierra sliding off the metal band. Once it was off, she effortlessly handed it to her new enemy, leading to Eleanor unblocking her. She didn’t wear her smirk anymore and scrambled down the stairs and to the garage, where a vacant, extra car awaits.

She was finally defeated.

Meanwhile, the twins managed to discreetly vacate from the living room and back to the basement, only this time, they’ve brought garbage bags and every cleaning material they could find in the pantry. Stella harshly scrubbed first the sticky floor from one row to another, whilst Rebecca disposed every popped balloon remains in the bag, shaking off any syrup stuck in it. Their progress was quite slow because some of the sticky area hardened, making them exert double energy which is more than what their bodies are capable of. Taking breaks in between increased, thinking how impossible it will be to accomplish this the entire day.

Not even halfway, a loud knock was made on the main door, the one from inside the house. “Come in!” Rebecca called out. The knob turned to its right and clicked open, which revealed the older kids, carrying spare cleaning materials and wearing similar frowns.

Stella stopped her actions. “What are you guys doing here?”

Beatrix put down her bucket and mop, entering inside the dirty room followed by the others. “I’m assuming you guys need some help after all that craziness you pulled off with Aunt Sierra.”

“But haven’t we been a burden enough to you all? This trip so far has been horrendous, at least we need to fix our mess down here.” Rebecca fired back, embarrassed to even look at them. Unexpectedly, Oliver advanced to her with his apron getup and declared, “To be honest, Rebecca, if any of us discovered the hidden intentions of a vicious woman like aunt Sierra on our parents, we would do absolutely everything to make sure that the bitch doesn’t walk free.”

“Also your strategy was crazy good, it serves her right!” Nick justified proudly. As much as it gave a short dose of hope and enlightenment to the twins, knowing their friends got their backs, they couldn’t help still feel guilty on bringing upon more emotional instability to their father.

“Thanks for the support, guys. Still though, we made our dad a lot more broken, and we can’t forgive ourselves for that.” Stella opens up, having trouble to maintain eye contact on anybody because of the shame. She may have blinked back tears because she isn’t one to show her vulnerability, another evident trait she got from her father. Less to her knowledge, Alex came to her aid with tissue paper on standby.

She was baffled, putting it away. “Thanks but no thanks, Alex. I’m fine.”

“You aren’t, Stella.”

He was right, and at the same time, one tear from Stella streamed down and he was the one to wipe them off with his thumb. Caressing her cheek, “It’s okay to be vulnerable, Stella.” He gave a hopeful grin, which was easily reciprocated with a tight hug. “T-Thank you, Alex.”

While they had their moment, the other kids were also silently cleaning those spots that the twins haven’t reached and faced the same struggles with the syrup. But now they was a lot more of them, the job was more time and energy-efficient. With that, the whole basement became spotless in another hour. Sharing jokes and another round of funny stories in between made the experience a lot less tense.

Now on their way to return to the ground room with their sweaty figures and full garbage bags, which they first leave by the front door, they were taken aback by all their parents, Luke included with red eyes from all the crying, explicitly arguing post-Sierra excluding Eleanor, who was sat in the couch really trying to get stressed due to the baby. This hindered them to go inside and stay behind the wall near the open entrance. Crystal was right behind Michael, who sided with Ashton. “Luke, you need to tell (Y/N) this.”

“I agree. What happened to no more secrecy?”

Calum joined in, giving a piece of his mind. “Mate, if you want things to work out between you two, you have to be honest. You lost her once, don’t do it again.”

Bryana had the last say. “And if you do so, she’ll give in and likely to share her perspective on why she didn’t tell you about her real relationship with Sierra.”

The anxiety within Luke couldn’t stop raising, not being able to think straight of what the right action is. He thought it was just Sierra keeping secrets, but you did too. Though knowing you all these years, whatever you choose to do and achieve in life always has a good reason behind it. It was thoughtful, yet a secret is a secret, which jeopardizes the trust of the relationship.

“I cannot lose her again, guys. When I tell her that I know, she’ll run away! That means Stella will go along too.”

“But Luke, isn’t the lack of trust the main reason you’ve ended it?” Eleanor caved in from the couch, offended at his defense because it led to her losing all contact with you, her best friend. Running away from Luke meant running away from everyone else.

Lifting herself up, her hands putting more pressure on her lower back to support her growing belly, she approached towards the lanky man. No pregnancy hormones caused her growing rage. “I have had it up to here with you. Not only did that factor caused you to lose the love of your life, but it caused everyone here to lose a friend and our kids to lose a great aunt. Fuck, (Y/N) was my best friend, whom I haven’t heard in over a decade! But mostly, your kids lost half of their parents. If that doesn’t disturb you enough, I have no idea what else will.”

As they eavesdropped, the kids couldn’t help feel the goosebumps up their arms by the hurt and may have gasped a little too vocally. The adults overheard it, sensing that their children kept an ear out for their mature conversation and becoming tenser since it’s like their happy, cheerful innocence was gone in a snap.

“Kids,” Ashton croaked, put his palm on his forehead to relieve the headache he’s bound to receive not so far from now. “We know you’re there. – Please do enter.”

As much as they didn’t want to, disobeying their rules would be a lot worse. One by one they’ve joined inside the crowd with their heads down because they were scared shitless, especially the twins who brought this to everyone. The sense of shame still stayed, aware that they could’ve approached it much more maturely.

“How much have you guys heard?” Bryana questioned, her heart weakens mostly at her kids with their doe eyes overfilled with fright.

“Enough to know that uncle Luke won’t tell anything that happened awhile ago to aunt (Y/N).” Scarlett replies on behalf, being the eldest after all.

Luke knew how energetic his niece was, but the softness of her voice made him feeble because he’s unintentionally brought back the decade old damage and it was just unacceptable for him to bring her and the other children down with him. He needs to get and give space, praying to the heavens that those kids would not have this piece of information get stuck in their heads for too long. It was just too soon for them to face this sort of reality. However, it was the twins’ reality, and it beats him up everyday. He should’ve done better.

Bringing back the need of space, he needs it starting right now.

“Rebecca Audrey Hemmings, Stella Charlotte (Y/L/N).” He directed his entire focus on the girls, who instantly elevated up their faces to his voice. “Pack your things, now.”

His tone was very serious, and very unlike him. But with all this pressure, it has took a toll on him. Not wanting any more trouble, they scurried their way out and to the stairs, trying not to slip from Sierra’s mess and make anymore delays.

Ashton, on the other hand, did not enjoy the way he instructed his kids despite his personal pressure. He negotiates, “Luke, don’t bring them into this. They are already as afraid as you are.”

“Are you their father, Ash? I just need s-space. So excuse us, but we’ll be on our way.” He bumped against the older man on the way out of the living room that became ironic because it now suffocates him in all aspects.

“Let me repeat what I said. – No one will speak of this morning to (Y/N).”

-

“Oh my, back so soon?” 

Luke roughly dropped off his dufflebag, rethinking of the words he’s planning to say. The trip back home was intense and filled with deadly silence. The twins were too startled to make a sound since hwas already developed much more sensitivity with his environment. Fragile almost, so they resorted to talking through texts. 

“Oh, we got an emergency meeting tomorrow, so we had to cancel. We’ll move it to next weekend, maybe you can join us this time?”

Fuck, you really wanted to go this time. But life as an actress isn’t always filled with vacations even if you go abroad a lot. By next week, you’ll be back in Los Angeles working. Just last night before heading to sleep, you received a long distance call from one of the producers of an action film where they’ve accepted you to play the main antagonist. This meant that the first meeting will be in a few days time, cutting off your stay. 

“I would love to, but it’s just that,” Your hands clasped together. 

“That?” Luke picked up. Your twins beside him were listening attentively, curious.

Heavily sighing, “I got a meeting with a producer this weekend, meaning I need to head back in a few days.” Your view then switched to Stella. “This also means you have to come back with me.” 

As expected, she was quick to retort. “No! I don’t want to leave dad and Becks, not again.”

Rebecca was on the same plane with her. “I agree! Dad, do something please!”

Undoubtedly, he wanted to beg you to stay longer after everything, but work is work. A mantra you and he have followed ever since, and especially now as parents, it must be strictly applied if you want things between you to succeed. His mind has again overpowered his heart.

“Girls, I respect your mother’s priority of work, so since she has important work she needs to attend to, what she says goes.”

Half that statement he didn’t agree to, which was that if you left, there’s more deprivation of bonding time with Stella. He needed to catch up on everything she’s done, and Rebecca still needs to know her more. 

Another thing with you leaving you again is that he can’t mend things as properly as he desired to. He’s afraid to lose you again.

But it isn’t like you weren’t feeling the same way. You’ve missed Rebecca, wherein there was never missed a day to think about her. You could’ve reached out, but you never did. 

Then for Luke. Oh, Luke. 

Although work is an important aspect, it was another factor that deteriorated your marriage. With fame comes time consuming plans and activities that would limit your family time, especially since you both reside on opposite sides of the world. You can’t stay away from them for too long again. 

Then again, work is work. The girls grew cranky over it, like all their hard work was for nothing.

“I though you were on our side, dad.” 

“I lost Stella and mom once, dad. Who knows when we’ll see each other again?”  

On that note, they spontaneously left the scene of the discussion, going up the stairs with frowns and heavy hearts. You felt your heart drop too by their disappointment, investing your sight now on Luke, whom by the crooked grin he gave off, reciprocated the feeling.

“Fuck,” You groaned, returning to sit down at the couch and burying your face in your hands. “I’ve already failed this family.” 

Luke took upon himself to comfort you at your saddened state, putting aside him personal misery and sat right next to you, rubbing your back up and down. “They’ll come around eventually, they are 11 years old. And come on, hasn’t work always been a huge priority for us, love?” 

Love. He’s said it a few times throughout this trip, but now, it felt much stranger. You might’ve felt electrified it, but regardless. It’s just a title, right?

“It was when we were still married.” 

“But it’s more important now because we have the twins.” He affirmed. He had a point, and from where you stand when everything is crumbling down, you would accept any useful advice to help you. 

“You know what, you’re right. They must already understand how hard it can be to balance work and family. They are still equally important, but this job, I cannot simply turn it down because I’m meeting with other great actors. I can’t be disrespectful.”

“Well, there you go!” Luke praised, gladly patting your shoulder with your realization. “Why are you still so glum, love?”

There he goes again, and somehow you could feel much more comfortable around him to express more. His eyes were gleaming with concern, anticipating to listen. 

He’s always been a really good listener. He didn’t brush his hair that much either, but it still looks good on him. Curly hair has always suited him. Distinctly, he bit his lip whenever he is sad to see others feeling down because he always wanted everyone to be okay, and here he did. Though another reason he would bite his lip is he was turned on.

Luke hated seeing you like this, quietly mourning over being a failure so early in the restarting process of familyhood. It still haunts him that the both of you took one twin away, and now that they found each other, it forced you to talk and straighten things out in a flash. But you’re both still pained by the past, and it isn’t easy to simply open up to each other, especially now when you have different significant others. Well, Luke had. Though he knows Timmy has a high dislike for him, he’s there for the sake of his daughters. 

But with you, there is one thing he cannot stop thinking about: your happiness. If Timmy can make you happy in better ways, then so be it. After all, it’s all parental right. But he wouldn’t be lying if he didn’t find you beautiful during the premiere or gorgeous by the way your spectacles drooped to your nose when you were reading awhile ago. Not only that, he found it cute to find you focused on the book, the way your brows knitted when a certain chapter irritated you.

Wait, what was he thinking?

But hey, what were you thinking too? 

Snap out of it!

“(Y/N), you okay? You haven’t answered my question.” He shook his hand in front of your face while you were spacing out, and staring at him too. 

“I preferred love more than my name.”

“Oh sorry there. - I’m pretty bummed because I don’t want to mess things up again. I can’t lose Becks and you again for good.” You worried, not realizing how you were leaning closer to him. He took you by the wrists, clasping them together between his large hands. 

“You won’t, (Y/N). As much as I fear the same, there is no fucking way I’ll let it happen. We can work this out.” He promises, hoping for the best in the future. With wisdom comes intimacy, which is followed by the close proximity of your faces.

Specifically both your lips. 

You could’ve sworn he brought himself closer first, but habitually, you returned the gesture. Maybe some old habits don’t die too easily. 

His blue orbs were as beautiful as you’ve looked into them deeper, diving into his spell that you can’t resist like previously. He barely had any wrinkles on his face, though his eyebags got darker and his scruff is bushier. You could think of other things to describe his gorgeous physique.

The way you licked your lips, which is a sign of you being nervous or contemplating different choices in your head, got him wrapped around your finger. The short-lived grin you gave to show him that you accept his help was too precious, almost like he was falling for you all over again.

There was strong tension building up, but your self control was working stronger. Gaining personal respect towards each other these past weeks has led to respect towards your life decisions. There was no way either of you could blow this up. Nonetheless, you freely picture yourself wrapping your arm around his neck to pull nearer to get a taste of him. Just once and that’s it. 

Your mind is always the dominating party, why don’t you let your heart take charge for once? Besides, did you really mean by what you say, that it’s all parental? The white shirt that grew transparent from his sweat showcases his fit abdomen and his long neck was clean. Too clean.

You accidentally caught a glimpse of his tightened crotch on his chino shorts, the length of his member visibly seen on the side. If only you could give it a - okay self, what the actual.

Luke was too tempted to swoop under your waist and on to his lap where he let you straddle his waist with your legs. He can imagine you tugging on his locks and peppering his neck with short kisses, maybe sucking on his weak spot more deeply and roughly.

Shit, you were only wearing sleeping shorts, flowy and only up to your butt. If he just slide in his digits up inside your - fuck, stop right there! He jerked back first, trying to calm his dirty thoughts because he is no longer obliged to think that way anymore. You in the other hand moved away as well, rethinking on how stupid you were to do that. 

“Stop, self. Let him go. He has Sierra as his bride now.”

“No, Luke. You blew your chance, and she’s already happy with Timothée.” 

Left with your withering realizations, a ding sound echoed the area, alleviating the massive awkwardness that developed. Instantly checking who it belongs to, it was yours. 

[12:35 PM] Timmy Tim: Can we please talk?

Scoffing lightly, he still had the nerve to reach out to a wound that is still so fresh and stinging.

[12:38 PM] (Y/N) angel: Why? “I drunkenly cheated” isn’t big enough?

“Who is it, (Y/N)?” Luke shouted from behind, hearing the clashing of a few pans accidentally which made you giggle because he’s always been clumsy. At the same time, your phone dinged again. 

 [12:40 PM] Timmy Tim: Please (Y/N). I’m so sorry. 

 “Oh, just the same producer. - And oi, be careful! We don’t wanna to nearly burn the house down like before!”

“I’ll try!” 

Rolling your eyes because the short banter brought you back to the old days, he actually bought the half lie. As terrible as at is, you didn’t want to bring him to your personal relationship issues. The less people, the better. You try to distract yourself by rereading some of the chapter you were stuck at to get a better understanding of the plot, yet your mind kept on reflecting on Timmy. By his texts, you can vibe his sincerity although it was you who was the victim.

Ignorance from you is improbable since you preferred facing your dilemmas head on, and you couldn’t become a lie of your own words. Though there is pain, ignoring it prolongs it. It’s closure or nothing. Snatching your phone from the coffee table, you typed out your frustration. Only mildly, you call the time to express when you see him next. 

[12:55 PM] (Y/N) angel: Fine. Noon, the Café Sweetener near your hotel. Oh, and I’m sorry too, that I was too dense to not have realized sooner.

[howtomovefreely]

Objective (3-D) ¡  Keep track of lessons created to HELP (1) move freely throughout my day PHYSICALLY while tracking Triggers & Flashbacks (TF) AND NOW THE REFLECTION : huh?

This was an insurmountable task & I ALWAYS SAY, “EVERYTHING IS SURMOUNTABLE.”  It’s my two cats, one trying to mount the other & why I think about the question, “How did you get your cats?” and I start to see how fragments of sentences & words remind of other things, this not being the way my mind works only I was able to connect my thinking & not forget what I was saying. That is the same with reading and writing.  When there are multiple things in your life that mimicking each other & now visuals & touching are also areas that ARE WAY DIFFERENT.

     Two Options

Two options always, write or not write / to do any fine motor or gross motor requiring lifting or pulling my body & neck pain spikes!  

Weapon of choice is the pencil for graphite and the color gray / the color of truth a blended mix of black & white why we’re going to do this mother right 

PEACE, LOVE, HARMONY, CUDDLES & SAFE PLACES to LEARN, PLAY & WORK IN / found all my old loves c’est la vie for the only Revolution

Dreamed in French on day 18 & why when I travel I try to live like a native, naturally / doing natural things, breathing is the objective, the way to, to sing

For every ptsd memory there’s a LOVING ONE doing battles with weapons & ways of death that are still haunting me / the body/brain duality enacted in times of misery that lasted for 7 and 9-months & still you ask for evidence to NEVER discuss the solutions that could seriously change this child’s life right now?  To have harmony with two opposing forces, The Day & The Night, demanding their due, a validation that led to BOO HOO & why this was the point that I knew to FOCUS ON to PULL THROUGH.  It requires “true friends” who can’t do anything but supportive : it’s simply too easy not to do.

Accountability & Transparency : MODEL IT : How?!

ED IT all triggers that are present in a safe space : created 20+ and finding what is most natural & how to take breaks that are the right amount of time to adequately step away to “not die” but also not to lose the tri(grrr) since it WILL COME UP AGAIN & the point is to snuff it out with self-awareness & the decision to say, “NO!”

magic : intrinsic motivation that’s in all of us : change trigger to tiger

with any new skill or bad habit, nothing changes overnight

Teachers who scaffold have put THOUGHT into learning styles, classroom management & their own job performance which quite frankly, if you’re doing the RIGHT THING & open to feedback, there should be no worry

Document if “nighttime” is better in terms of “triggers” & moments “fear is present” since if you’re able to MAKE A SCHEDULE that ACCOMMODATES sleep. Zzz the #1 direct correlation to pain, anticipated pain, fatigue rate, stamina level, literally, do EVERYTHING since then you’ve eliminated while helping self at the same time & then it’s on the next hurdle...

Allow all safe spaces to be open & accessible if feeling “open & accessible” & if not, then it’s okay to closer all safe spaces!

When I forget about a safe space, I wasn’t meant to go there.  If I “trip” across it, the NOW NATURAL reaction of the body is to not try and FIND IT thinking “this could be the thing that fixes it all.”  after trauma you are...

trying to end it for all & hopeful that you can with THIS ONE : isn’t this kind of like sports pressure?  Any ADRENALINE can alter body state & prepare for flight, fight or freeze. LOWER THRESHOLD for pain

quick review 

all the time in my neck, back, trapezius & head (dizziness: constant 2-4/10 & increases with activities/movement) since 4/2016 no nausea 3-5x/hour; since 2/2018

Tracking after I stopped triggering from the “t” sound.  T for Teacher.  Going from NO MOVEMENT since hurt to YES MOVEMENTS since now I can work through the pain is literally going from one extreme to another : kind of how depression & mania work but these terms are way too harsh.  You’re cranky because you’re in pain & 3-4 even 7 days in a row (level: immobile & mostly in shower trying to dampen it while hurling a little & can’t hold you know what).  This makes you mental & created a palsy in my face & hands & couldn’t operate mobile.  That was 8-hours & one day I’ll provide all the details, but not here & not until I’m ready, 100%.  What a luxury & why I don’t have to question why my life [to them] was worthless since the next thought is THEIR LIVES.  THE KIDS WHO I TAUGHT & this is where neck pain goes up!  Finger pains are up!  I feel my elbow, arm, leg, thigh...

RELIEF When there’s an hour, a minute, a second when pain shifts or the for the first time I NOTICED I was getting a headache instead of anticiaipting pain constnatly, there was a break and for a second I was PAIN-FREE/SENSATION-FREE.  The seconds mattered since once I counted to 8 & even addd 2 since I probably didn’t notice right away, but only did that when it started getting beyond 8 seconds, and you do that too (whatever you feel) to NOTE what it is you’re really trying to say.  When it’s safe to feel safe, you just do!  When you’re body feels better & your mood lifts, you are thankful, at last since it’s getting BETTER

and what about when it gets worse...

you question.  you look.  you listen.  you “confront” & this is where that pesky word “disagreement” enters 

all the time HOPE : no dizziness ever!  For 10 seconds!  Maybe 15 seconds.  Celebrate all goals.  

Physical check-in

Able to crouch (20 secs), jump (twice), run for more than a minute if necessary and my pain is beginning to cause more cracks, pops in my neck when moving side-to-side and fully up & down!!!  (in order to hold that pose, needed to have head on couch, with hand support & only for 2 seconds and created a “rolling” motion) ∆ MUST recognize impact & this is probably why so many things have been broken around me.  I grab too hard or not on target.  So go slower, but have more pain since quicker movements allow my body’s nerves to glide, but to go slow is the next step.  SLOW IT DOWN & let body adjust as you did when you had to go FAST to lower pain, problems with STIGMA (health care, big time!) & at the same time, a natural pain release.  

Did you know nerves like to glide?  

When I learned this 1.5 years in, it changed my life.  It’s allowed me to have minimal control over pain & that’s important.  So the last 3 years have been mastering the glide & slide & whirl & twirl & crouch & whip & hold & kiss.  These are easy movements because I demand that I get them down in order to be prepared for what’s unpredictable.  I can predict my pain so stay ahead of it.  Be ready for what comes at you without warning.  People.  Cars.  Lies.  Abuses.  Triggers.  Warnings & hate-filled assholes who will use whatever they can to “avoid blame.”  I’m ready to tell this story : It takes a very long time to get to safe place for your entire body.  The focus before was SUICIDE.  REMOVE that & there’s no problems so identified what it was 

Feeling of worthlessness that people did to you by lying to your face and removing safety becuase no one had CONTROL ✔️✔️

Removing it : present tense : currently doing that by sharing triggers to create “safe spaces” that is an iCloud.  REAL clouds remind self life is always changing, just like emotions, moods & feelings & this is LITERATURE & why it gets the biggest thank you of all!  There is never the same sky at any minute & how amazing to think all the different sunsets & sunrises they’ll be in one lifetime?  I’m not sure sure we’re not gazing at the clouds more, but for now the iCloud is the way to scatter their shit & since I wrote this, I know it’s flipped.

Live naturally, meaning desire for every breath, never done redundantly.  Life is death & death is what scares us, but never me, having faced that already at an early age, this physical abuse, you’re in the moment asking “What did I do?” but in this case, it was “How can you keep doing this?” and other questions, oh yes, I will persist.  I don’t know the word QUIT when it involved the HARMS these people in power positions did & no alarms were sounded. Discriminating children with special needs is NOT HOW MY WORLD WAS FOUNDED.

EDucate it : elevate difference : never be frustrated : the words I write are actually EVIDENT or NOT EVIDENT : how the hell can someone keep ignoring this!?

ED IT : 1st STEP ∆ Prerequisite knowledge ø brain structure, features, form/function, how to keep it healthy & why I am not going to teach anatomy or physiology, my strength is combining teams that have DESIRE to work collaboratively...

...in a nutshell, you go back to the past to learn how to adjust to the present (which was too harrowing due to violence)

ORGANIZE IT : 2nd STEP ∆  Labeled according to TYPE (1) put artIfacts away by maintaining a record of what I’ve learned about auditory processing & all factors that affect Attention, Concentration, Awareness of self, mind, body, environment & (2) learn from it now that I have my “thinking” back since physically head sensations have been diminished after leaving THE MOST UNHEALTHY SITUATION : stigma in the health care field & their very acts of denial of safety, acceptance of NO KNOWLEDGE & insistence of an opinion without any supporting evidence is what the PROBLEM is.  IDENTIFIED it & now, let’s fix it. 

Do this process with consciousness, finally, since it all goes out & that’s the FEAR, of telling the truth, that hasn’t sat well with me?  Ok, let’s explore this...

TYPE (vague on purpose) : H or S or HS or SH (depending on which one is MAIN versus which is a Trigger or Flashback e.g. SHT | crying and use of words “I’m going to kill you” or “I’m going to poke your eyes out” or “I’m going to kill myself” since happened in both settings, S, first (supported by H) and led to Flashback so direct connection to WORSE emotion which lead to issues of self-control; self-regulation due to darkness (most severe that snuffs out hope) 

this is code

Here’s the key:  the violence that occurred in a school/work setting was repeated in a home setting with the purpose of making it WORSE for someone who has verbally explained all fears in exactly the way that it happened.  These PTSD memories are obvious & they feel smaller every day now.  Called shit (as in their bullshit) and finally, scum since I see a dirty pond or marsh & when it’s in the bathroom, it’s really gross.  We’ve got the word & now let’s move on

What is necessary to shake TRAUMA : remove scum.  EZ

SENSING that boundary between “this is enough” & “I’ve had enough” : snuffs out humiliation : (2-D) ¡  A devotion to self, an unshakeable self-esteem to never need validation & what’s the harm in THIS : shows WHO IS IN YOUR BRAIN & if it’s a voice form the past who blamed you for something & you fight TO PROVE them wrong, you’ve chosen the wrong person since they vouched for you ALRIGHT : the goal : put all these pesky ptsd memories/moments away & to do that VALIDATE them & to do that show how EMOTIONS works in individuals who MUST guess & why must they guess . . . they’re observing, too and what do they see?!  Those without a way to understand emotions are trying their hardest & this is what I’ve learned with kids & adults with emotional dysregulation, they really need validation to say “you’re doing the right thing” even if it’s the wrong thing.  They can’t process their own behaviors because of PAIN & HURT they’ve felt every single day of their lives...

That creates an absolute & that means to VERBAL CUE : all, no one, every time, always, never, everyone, words that indicate in ability to properly & honestly self-assess.  This the power white color to get me to a blank canvas a spark a desire to create & what is it that I’m creating.  One FINal lesson to say this is what I’ve learned about violence & what should never be accepted.  Hypocrisy, cruelty & evil.  There is no other word for it. 

This is their first weapon in distracting from the real issues : destroy your voice

Said it 1,000,000x : good use of exaggeration & now GROWTH can accelerate

anxiety USES fears to maintain a buzz of constant attention, areas where voice matters (for once) : & now activate the USE of GUILT

sadness OVERWHELMED by acute loneliness over extended periods & this self-Identity of being REJECTED becomes too much 

anger that pops out of nowhere & the instantaneous sense of overwhelming loss of control where people “feel unsafe” so the rallying cry is to stabilize the one that is “losing it” and oh no oh no oh no...

A sense of immediate reaction heightened & then disappears is a cycle between _ _ _ _ _ and _ _ _ _ _ . 

sum up these emotions, give them their rightful owners & send it to the universe  

Process ¡  Emphasize cyclical relationship between mind + body & how tech can help & harm | How to understand FAITH in the invisible “truths” one must accept with tech since what you say is EXPERT & SPECIALIZED knowledge THROUGH GENERATIONAL dysfunction guided by PTSD memories of WHAT WAS GIVEN/PROVIDED/TAUGHT in childhood | not going to mention my childhood except when the ptsd memory relates to the very wrong assumption that was the catalyst for the past to come rushing up at me due to denial of bodily safety & continuation of denials after repeated attempts at some response. 

How many false starts & first days as the next day becomes a blank of the previous & makes me question how do organizational systems work...WORTH IT

Day 1:  Absolutes & Identify 2-D transformed to A, B, C --->  3-D

Always, never, no one, everyone : INTRO 1/10 t FLIP worst to best & to encourage hope | T-note

did this spontaneously above, noting the frequency of absolute which  means that ptsd memory is ready to bring into the light & it goes HERE ✔️

First step in identifying self is identifying self in all the ways you identify with.  This is from the past the bold ones are still true today.  Whatever is added at the end is added at the end & this is how you learn about yourself.  You think deeply & take risks at exposure & why you find a partner to trust since the only thing in this world are the stories you tell each other, to be who you want to be, and to a survivor, you want to be not damaged, not hurting & not scared.  

still the same !!! ✔️American, femme, cis-gender, warrior badass subconscious unicorn berserker : a teachable moment personified : imagineer & humanist who doesn’t know “no” : mentally fierce - emotionally complex - behaviorally predictable & severely feeling thanks to NERVE DAMAGE, TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY & several tag teams who told me, showed me, insisted, than persisted to reveal how they LOATHE DIFFERENCE to reveal HOW people can DO what they claim “I’ll never do!”  That was the crux of it all  what triggers one person is the SAME : the lie of “I never intended to...”

be stronger than these warmongers ✔️

activate imagination ✔️

destroy negative thinking while simultaneously launching love bombs one after the other meaning any opportunity to do good in small & large moments you take them, press in, and see what pops up.  Perhaps there’s beauty in places you never considered possible ✔️✔️🚀

The Confirmation 

How to successfully rebuild a life : prerequisite for SELF-LOVE, SELF-CARE & SELF-IMAGE is TRUST in SELF : use what you know, what you want to know & reflect on what you’ve learned to create the path that works for you.  I think I just did it.  I was honest with “safe” people from my past & their response was really kind.  Thank you for that.  It’s pretty easy once you get a sense for people & who they are when there’s “trouble” or “grief” or “pain” & you question how that happens?  What lives have they led?  

[randomthoughtsgonewild]

I'm back...

Hello.

I don’t really know how to start this if I’m honest.

It’s been a long while (yeah no shit dumb dumb *facepalms*) and well, things have happened. Some of big degree and some of little importance.

Current status?

I’m feeling shit.

Yes, you may leave. This will not be clean. But when I made this blog and when I titled the description, I meant what I said.

If you no like; bye bye stranger.

If you do but you ain’t into this type of honesty. See you later, mater.

…

So, where to begin…uh, I don’t have the best memory so I believe I shall start around Christmas time 2016.

Life was going semi-okay; school and personal problems were hassling but durable. But during that time I lost two of my mates; one of which I’m closer than the other. It was a whole group thing – we all decided to cast them away because of something they did (I would say what but due to its authenticity and specificity; I can’t take the risk of someone I know recognising it because frankly I’d rather have no-one I know in real life, knowing I am the owner of this blog— not because I’m ashamed; more so of the fact I am a very private person. Which is quite ironic considering I am quite open about everything and everyone— other than myself. But I digress.)

— and so my group casted them away and they were gone throughout the last term before Christmas break; it was hard because I lost my closest mate and my really good friend. But that was resolved quickly after the term and we’re all okay.

See? That wasn’t too bad aha.

Well, we haven’t got to 2017 yet and that’s when things start to go downhill…

So it’s the beginning of the new year and I guess you could say I was hoping for a much better year than 2K16. But when has Lady Luck EVER been on my side? Never. So, like the cow Lady Luck is; it brought me a ton of obstacles and hoops to jump through. To which I failed tremendously.

(I also forgot to add; Been alive for half a century, divided by 2 and subtracted by 10. Yay.)

In January; school had picked up and like the Army Officer it is, really started to tire me out. I was struggling with the work and the homework. It was a mess. It sounds fairly simple and in fact; I imagine many of you to be quite unimpressed by me because “kid, you don’t even know what tiredness is *rolls eyes*” — and you’re probably right, I do not. But you probably don’t know what it feels like to have to be up to the brim in GCSE coursework as well as revision because students love tests! (Wait–wait, maybe you do actually, okay well I had some mental stuff going on too so that counts?)

But again, I am straying off de topic. So anyways, Jan. Tiring. Made me very stressed. Stress is not good. Lotta spots for me, brother. I hate acne. Especially stressed-related ones. But. I. Digress. Again.

Which brings me to February; aww Feb. Poor, sweet, juvenile Feb. Always been a month that tends to fly by so quickly and probs the most boring – seriously though, what actually happens in Feb that is interesting? Nothing. That’s it. But, for me Feb; well Feb was an eye opener for sure. I’m not the type of person to beat around the bush for one thing so I’ll be out with it – quick'n'easy like a bandage.

I discovered two things; My mental state was way beyond fucked. Two? I’m not as strong as I thought I was.

And for me to have discovered this, well it was certainly big. You see my family is not the type of family to ask if ones okay and find the solution; we are more of the ‘ask if you’re okay but if you say anything out of the norm then forget it’ — we always have been. Well, at least I think we have. I’m not really close with my family, but I blame that on the stuff going up in my cranium.

So anyways, my head = not in a good state then (or now). Explanation? I don’t know.

In fact, I think it hasn’t been in a 'good state’ for a while. Possibly ever since the summer of '16 (and maybe before…?) which would mean whatever I’ve been manifesting is suddenly making itself known and to be honest the manifestation is quite large. I don’t know what I have to be frank; I don’t know if it’s depression or if it’s something else, in all honesty I feel kind of stupid for just assuming it’s 'depression’. I feel like that nowadays that word is tossed around so much it just feels stupid to say “I’m depressed” with anyone actually taking you seriously. Plus, I never thought I could be depressed or even in such a state of mind.

Which lead me to my epiphanic of uncovering the truth of my mental strength.

It isn’t that strong.

You see, I always thought for a long time in my life that I’m the type of person who doesn’t breakdown, who knows how to build themselves back up again if the going gets tough; the type of human who will never let themselves fall so far down the well of “depression” because I’m just not like that. Full stop.

But I realised in the second month of the year, that I’m none of that; I’m just extremely good at ACTING like I am. Like I am strong, like I can’t breakdown, like I can’t be “depressed”. I realised that I’m so used to being in this mind state that my head has adapted to feeling like this and since I have a slight fear of being mentally unwell; it simply taught me how to ACT like everything’s okay. When in fact…

Everything really isn’t fucking okay.

Now I could type here for ages and ages about my stresses, my worries, my problems etc etc but that would make this so long that it would be the equivalent of 3 Harry Potter books…aaaand since I’m not JKR and I don’t have that type of time; I’ll just summarise, summarise, summarise!

Here we go; so after my big discovery in Feb, it lead to all sorts of things — I started to become more aggressive and more sad; which led to more acting because even if I knew I had a mental health problem it still didn’t mean I wanted to get help or – god forbid ACTUALLY talk about it! So I started to distract myself; distractions, distractions, distractions = my best friend. The more I distracted myself, the more I (believed) had less time to dwell on my (rapidly becoming real) mental health illness. So I took up having some cigarettes from time to time because it made me feel calm and yes I know of the dangers but pocketing a couple of my dads cigarettes wasn’t going to kill me okay? Plus, I always told myself (still do now) to never buy my own pack because that for me would lead to an addiction. Amongst that; I did other things like lash out, do drugs (I DID THIS ONCE BTW) and just things that really weren’t good for me.

So with me doing all this and believing it would prolong my mental health illness awakening; I didn’t realise that instead of PROLONGING my MHI, I just kept feeding it. With all the things I did, they lead to consequences; every time I would smoke, I would feel bad– horrid even, the fear of becoming addicted lead to me feeling shameful (more for the MHI monster to eat), every time I would steal my dad’s wine bottle and drink it for myself, I would feel disappointed that I would stoop so low and thus gave the monster an even bigger meal and every time I tested my parents patience or acted kinda rude to my mates; it fed my monster STRESS because I would stress about what their reactions would be and ugh it was not good.

But here I am typing as if I overcame it all and everything is well again; for your information mi amiga; it ain’t. In fact I still am going through all this and frankly I’m tired. Exhausted. Fatigued. But knowing me and my coping methods; my brilliant acting skills will be back at it again for the next couple of months until I guess I break or something.

This whole text post sounds weird tbh; I don’t like how I’ve written it but it’s honest. And I have more to talk about as well but there just isn’t enough time in the day (or so I say) and besides; it gives me a good reason to post sooner.

However, regardless of all the bad; I have dipped a finger back into my pool of story writing and it’s been a good thing for me to say the least. Another distraction tbh but better than wallowing in my head and assuming the worst.

So yeah, that’s it. That’s all I’ve got. I would say more but the effort is too unreal. So this shall be a goodbye and goodnight.

- A

[racheltkellogg]

From Battleground to Higher Ground

Wow, it’s already Halloween! Time has really escaped me in the last month. That means a lot has happened in the past few weeks. Truly, much more than I’ve wanted to share until this point. In talking about the many battles I’ve faced this year, I’m finally starting to feel like a bit of a broken record. In the last month, I’ve been accused of ruining lives due to my illness. I’ve been accused of dragging people down with “my medical”. Quite frankly, I’ve really been put through the wringer emotionally. Life is about as unclear now as it was right after my diagnosis and I had to stop working. But in the midst of all that noise, this blanket of peace is covering me. That peace is God and knowing He’s the ultimate Author of my life. God gives the toughest battles to His strongest warriors. I can’t help but acknowledge this passion in my soul to live a life filled with people who are fighting – and struggling to fight – just as I am.

Exactly one day after my last blog update, I was rushed to the ER here in Seattle. It was a very unfortunate situation since I was making positive strides, physically and mentally, after my long hospitalization. Just before the close of September, I found out some devastating, heartbreaking news. You guys know me, I’m an open book. But this particular situation was so triggering, I simply don’t want to share what happened. Many of you know I’ve jumped through hoops after my latest boyfriend and I broke up. That was just two months ago. Since then I’ve undergone a 3-and-a-half week hospitalization, had to dump my former living situation and move, have been fundraising like crazy to keep a roof over my head – and now, a scary trip to the ER. In this span of a month, I’ve also learned I won’t be returning to television news any time soon – if ever. I’ll get more into the work update later in this post, but first I want to focus on the story surrounding this ER visit. It’ll give you a better sense of how strongly my chronic illness is fueled by my emotions. During the evening of Friday, September 29th, I was shocked by some unexpected personal news. In the moments following the discovery, I engaged in a phone call that was demeaning and negative beyond belief. Those 20-short minutes led me into a spiral of anxiety that I couldn’t control. My body reacted in a way it never has before. I was vomiting profusely, nearly convulsing at times. I’ve truly never experienced anything like this before. Luckily, in that moment while vomiting, I had the wherewithal to text the person I last spoke with and demanded they call 911. Next thing I know, I’m being hauled away in an ambulance and would spend the next seven hours in the emergency room. I underwent even more tests, and doctors/nurses continued to monitor my vitals throughout the night.

I was finally discharged after 6am Saturday morning. I had to order an Uber to get home because I didn’t have my car. By the way, there’s nothing more humbling than getting home from the ER in an Uber - especially while recovering from your own emergency situation. Later that morning, I saw my therapist. I cried for the first 20 minutes of my appointment. I couldn’t spit out a single word. Just a few hours before that, I was discharged. I still hadn’t processed the news from the night before, or the surprise ER visit. For the next two weeks, I couldn’t eat. I tried, but fought endless amounts of nausea and heightened anxiety. It was as if a lion was chasing me for seven to 10 straight days. My GP flared up. I lost more weight (down to 110lbs). My doctors became more worried - and that alone induces more personal stress for me. I’ve been praying for my situation for months, but after this ER visit, I couldn’t stop praying. I was so spent, I found myself asking – how is this life even worth it?

Here’s where God comes in - it’s crazy. Just 12 hours after being discharged from the ER, I attended an anniversary party for my church. About 30 minutes into that party, I got an email congratulating me on being chosen as an Ambassador for the inspirational brand, Live A Great Story. This is huge for me. I’ve been following the movement for three years - about the amount of time it’s been around. Man, timing is everything. I found myself thanking Jesus moments after I received the news of my ambassadorship. Not only for the opportunity, but because I know it’s affirmation from God that He wants me to LIVE OUT A GREAT STORY with my illness. I had to remind myself of the positives I’ve learned from this life-changing journey, once again. God reminded me WHY I’m on this path. Certainly, it’s not for me alone - but for the lives I hope to touch and inspire right now and in the future.

As an ambassador, I want to share positivity, love and encouragement around the Seattle area. This city is amazing and deserves the empowering message surrounded by this movement. One that truly reflects the life of Jesus, too! He lived the greatest, most selfless story of all - so why can’t I?

Soon here, I’ll be organizing a few events to try and inspire Seattleites to live a great story. Maybe a Day of Kindness, or a day of storytelling - where people can share their struggles only to be accepted for them. If you have ANY ideas, I wanna hear all about them!

Shortly after my visit to the ER, I enrolled in a DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) Skills training group. Not only do I need the skills of emotional regulation and all that therapy, but heck - it’ll be valuable information to use in my next adventure as a life coach. It’s not cheap, but it’s time I truly start investing in myself and my health.

Now to the health update!

Since my weight has been on the steady decline, my psychiatrist (who’s more supportive than my primary doctor) referred me to a dietician in Seattle who specializes in gastrointestinal disorders. She’s been a God-send, but such a huge damper on my finances. I’ve seen some good progress in the last two weeks of seeing her - but I’m now on all kinds of supplements that range from $30-$70 per bottle. Multiply that by 5 bottles. Health and illness are both so expensive…and mind you, these supplements need to be taken several times throughout the day - so I’m already running out. 

Some of those supplements are supposed to help combat my fatigue. I’ve been dealing with some harsh fatigue for years (thanks overnight shift), but it got a whole lot worse when eating became an obstacle. Obviously, when you don’t eat - your body doesn’t produce energy. So now we’re trying to retrain my stomach/body in hopes it can heal and normalize itself. My dietician’s overall goal for me during that process is to eat six small meals a day. I’ve only been able to stomach about three small meals so far. Sometimes only two. And as sad as it sounds, my six meals consist of two half smoothies, two tiny (super basic) turkey sandwiches, and soup. So I’m eating the same foods every day, multiple times per day. Exhilarating! Right now, she also has me doing the HCL Challenge. If you don’t know, HCL stands for Hydrochloric Acid - and it helps break down the foods in your stomach. I started the challenge by taking one HCL capsule, and need to increase my dosage by one capsule every day until I feel heart burn. I took NINE CAPSULES today, and I still don’t feel any “warming” or “burning”. That means my stomach is likely very deficient in HCL. I’m not sure if that’s due to my GP, or if that’s one of the factors that contribute to my GP. It’s like the chicken or the egg.

In the last two weeks, I also found out I won’t be returning to TV news in quite some time. Due to my illness, my doctors and I had to come up with a list of accommodations before I could actually return to work. My leave of absence was extended two weeks longer than it was supposed to be - and that’s because my employer and my doctor were back and forth in the discussion. After all that, my employer came back and said they could not meet the necessary accommodations. That means I either have five weeks to try and magically get better (*ahem, GP’s chronic*), or come up with some other plan to put me on long-term disability. The latter is clearly the only route I can realistically take since I’m still dealing with symptoms daily. Some days are obviously worse than others - but my illness isn’t conducive to the nature of the news business. 

My not being able to return to work is a huge hit to January’s goal of beginning my life coach certification. At this point, I have zero finances for it. None. I’ll continue to pray for the funds necessary to join and finish the program - and I kindly ask for your prayers, too! I could use a bit of clarity on the necessary “next” steps He wants me to take. Should I work with the mentally ill in a behavioral hospital? Start a support group? How do I pay for the bills with all these rising medical expenses? I’ve also been trying hard to get an appointment with a GI doctor who specializes in Gastroparesis. She works out of the University of Washington - and man, the process has taken well over a month just to make an appointment. It’s difficult to be seen at UW. The hospital requires a “patient review process”, and several of my doctors haven’t been as attentive with my information as necessary. I’ve had to become my own super-advocate because some of my doctors just forget. Seeing this new GI doctor is very important. I’m currently not seeing a gastroenterologist and haven’t since my last one diagnosed me via email and dodged out of town for over a week. I was left to research my “death-threat” disease online by myself. I say “death threat” because I literally thought I was going to die after all the crap I read online. After that situation, I ditched that doctor and her hospital and started seeing my functional medicine doctor. Since then, It’s taken months to find a good GI who is well-versed and highly educated in my illness. All in all, UW is still processing my medical records before they can accept me as a patient. I could use prayers for a speedy and positive response to that request. 

As always, I just want to thank you for keeping up with journey, sharing my story, and even donating to my GoFundMe campaign. If you haven’t, and want to help with my current battle, you can access it under my blog’s headline - or just by clicking right here! If you don’t have money to spare, that’s SO okay! I still appreciate your love and concern more than you know. And if you could share my story or the link with others who may be able to help, then I’m forever indebted to you. Gosh, I’m so blessed by all the good friends and loved ones that are helping me through this really difficult time. I love you guys so, so, so, so much!

On a short and final note: I just wanna make sure my Cali friends+fam know there’s no way I’m moving back after the past few weeks Seattle. This city has resources. Seattle has seasons. Colorful trees. Misty, moody and beautiful rain. The ocean. Lakes. Islands. I’m in awe. Fall, I have truly fallen head over heels for you! 

Thank you again for reading! Until next time! MUCH LOVE<3

[baby-born]

15 ways to cope with the irritation of their own children

When I decided to become a mother, you did not think that I could be a problem - annoying own children. I thought that motherhood - is sheer luck, perhaps partly due to the fact that for a long time could not get pregnant. And then - a miracle! At the first ultrasound the doctor said to me that I would be twins! Everyone I reported this news, told me the same thing: "lucky, you will have twice as much happiness!"

However, very soon it turned out that the children - it is not only happiness, but also a sleepless night, and diseases, and digestive problems, and the rejection of the breast, and other difficulties. Frankly, I have appeared to him absolutely not ready, although my cousin and I said sympathetically - ooo, twins, well, get ready for the first year, you do not want to shoot once or throw children out of the vents.

My situation was complicated by the fact that at that time we lived in a small district center and my husband worked in shifts method, and relatives lived in another city. So I provided for many weeks with the children one by one. I remember the first time I needed to go to the grocery store during a children's disease, I cried from helplessness due to the fact that I can not leave them unattended at home, and get along with them, too, can not. At the time, I was saved by a neighbor, which has agreed to buy a couple of packets of milk and bread for me. But I remember all my life, like sitting in a corridor and knew that stupid I can not leave the house because of the children.

Since that time, I began to accumulate irritation to them. I really had to sacrifice so many after their birth. The most painful was the loss of freedom. I could not now at any moment to go wherever I want. I could not invite guests could not take the time to yourself to go to the gym, in the sauna, to the beautician. There was no money for a nanny or babysitter since my salary was no longer. And because of that, I was also very angry: I blamed all restrictions not her husband, who could not have our family to provide the previous level of existence, namely, children, it's because of them I could not work. There was no place in kindergarten, so the four of us long for three years lived on one salary, and could not afford literally nothing but a fairly modest meal.

At some point I suddenly realized that I was starting to fall apart on children. It was terrible. I realized that I was losing control of himself. Any quarrel children led me literally in a frenzy, and their disease - in despair. Sometimes I thought that I locked them in the 4 walls, slowly losing my mind. Then I helped the case: at the playground, I complained to a friend of his fortune, she whistled and said that I urgently need a therapy. What she had the same situation, and the psychologist, to which it is addressed, literally saved their marriage with her husband and kept nomalno psyche of their children. Money for the therapy I did not. Then I started to find out what you can do to get rid of irritation to their children - while it just did not give me to live and breathe, I fell into a very real depression. So, I write what I then helped. Maybe someone of these methods will save my homegrown mental health and peace in the family.

1. Recognize your fatigue. At some point I realized that I must not be a super mom, I also need a break from my day and night "on duty." And start looking for a way out, a way to let off steam and relax from the clock responsibility. At that moment I said to myself, "I do not iron", it has become much easier: I understand that there is a problem and look for ways to solve it.

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2. Find a way to completely relax from the children. It was harder than I thought. I was able to negotiate with his girlfriend, mother pogodok, on duty at a time - it is by the time she was in despair. We agree with her that it is once a week 4:00 to cope immediately with four children, and then it's my turn. You can not imagine what it means for me, these 4 hours per week !!! The idea that soon will be 4:00 to rest, warmed me all week and did not give break.

3. Attract husband. By all possible means I explained to him that if he did not take over at least part of the care of children at a time when he is at home, then soon he will remain without a wife and without children. Of course, he grumbled and said that children - women's concern, but I'm not retreating, and he had to meet me. Now, in addition to my legal 4 hours and I had one day off per week when all the care of the children took the man, and I had only consulted - a habit he was hard, but then he became involved and began to manage itself.

4. Rest wherever possible. I started to read and listen to music while walking with children. Of course, only read when they walked "the perimeter" of the playground. This helped me old player and bought a hand "on the occasion" a used PDA - remember, were at one time such "handhelds", forerunners of modern tablets?

5. "Do not touch my mother" mode. In the afternoon there was a time in which I just wanted to do chores, and children had to get used to it: my mom is busy, it can not be touched. It was necessary to resolve the cartoons, against which I was totally set up during pregnancy. I had to admit that it is better mentally healthy mother and children with cartoons, cartoons than children without the mother-hysterical. Thus, to me twice a day could cut out for 40-45 minutes, when I could dispose of his time completely. The hardest thing was - not to succumb to the temptation and not to put cartoons clock.

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6. Semi-finished products. Yes, I started to use semi-finished goods. On muttering husband said, I have no strength for a daily cooking inside and out, and if someone wants a new dish every day, then he prepares himself. There have been weeks, mostly when the children were sick, which I cooked only half-finished. And nothing, not dead. There was more free time, I became less tired and, accordingly, much less take it out on children.

7. Own appearance. My husband (and girlfriend) thought that a woman on maternity leave do not care what she looks like and what to wear. Ooh, it's not! As soon as I started again to monitor their appearance, I felt much, much better! My husband also appreciated the way. I found the money and a new track suit (and what else to sit in the sandbox?), And on the trip to the hairdresser. With each event, my tone was getting higher and higher. I did not expect, that looks so affects the inner sense of self! Of course, I had to save on everything, try to choose less expensive items and services. But in the first year I even thought did not arise, it is necessary. And it turned out that this is a very important part of good health. And well-being disappeared and irritation!

8. Hiking to her friends. Well, even with the kids! But to pull out of the usual circle, on which you run from morning till night. It is also very invigorating. By the way, at a party, children sometimes become me seem easy with gift! At the time when they were engaged exclusively games, they looked like an angel! No irritation, sheer affection :))))

9. Joint hiking with children. In the park, a cinema, attractions, to nature - all entertainment. And the children useful, and most fun. However, the discipline it's still limping, but I myself was not allowed to raise their children in public and all conversations to reserve home. So much easier to walk. Street and on the street, the children splashed excess energy.

10. I took a small home-based work (I'm an accountant by profession). And denezhka small, and the way to make brains work, and the opportunity to practice in the home compliance "do not touch my mom" mode. Also very invigorates and enhances self-esteem. Ironically, employment increased and the irritation was less!

11. Hobby. Never in my hobby is not enough time, and in the decree found! I started to knit, it was very interesting and fun! Bought colorful, merry yarn, knitting scarves children first, then the cap, then socks. Related huge colored plaid! Of the various pieces of bright colors, but that combined with the interior. It turned out that every time I have this blanket fell glance at me mood rises automatically! And irritation somewhere evaporate.

12. Often children feel sorry. And remember the good. They are not especially annoying! At a time when the irritation peaked, I remembered how they embrace and kiss me, and say I'm their favorite mom in the world. I recall the happy moments: fun, joint campaigns somewhere, they enjoyed gifts. How to cry when I am dissatisfied with them.

13. Exit to another room. I usually enough for 5-7 minutes to calm down.

14. Beat a pillow, throw in the wall stuffed toys with all his strength, all kinds of balls. The main thing is that children are not seen. It helps to let off steam.

15. Find a good anywhere and in any moment. Yes, it was hard! Especially at first, when I owned despondency and apathy. But after a while such an attitude to life becomes a habit, oddly enough! First, I had to remind myself that in any situation, there are pros and then the pros began to be automatic.

I wish you as its own way of dealing with irritation to children as soon as possible to find! After all, children grow up pretty quickly, and we can make sure that only good memories, and irritation and fatigue were forgotten as soon as possible!