#maybe it stands out as spectacularly bad because the rest of the season is so good idk

[thresholdbb]

Voyager Season 5:

Banger

Banger

Banger

Banger

The Fight

Banger

Banger

[marjansmarwani]

like I was already brave enough to let go

7.2k || Chapter 1/2 || ao3

Enzo understands that leaving New York in the wake of everything is what's best for TK, but that doesn't make it any easier. Watching his stepson pack up all his broken pieces and move across the country hurts him in ways he can't describe, mostly due to the knowledge that there will be a distance between them that has never existed before. So he takes the time to check-in, to keep track of TK. To be there for him, no matter what.

He's just starting to wish that he had picked somewhere other than Austin, because he is quickly discovering he is not built for this level of stress.

After reading @futures-tense’s Enzo fic (that everyone should read, it is phenomenal) I couldn’t get thoughts of him and his relationship with TK out of my head, so naturally I wrote this. It fits into canon evetns and this is only chapter 1 of 2, because while I so have an outline for season 2 events, this was getting long so I figured I’d at least post what I had. 

Massive thanks to @silvarafael and @justaswampdemon for all their help and support with this, you’re both the best!

-----------------

He wasn’t sure what he had been expecting when TK opened his apartment door, but the sad shell of the boy Enzo had come to love as his own wasn’t it. 

Or maybe it was, but it hurt all the same. 

“Hey kid,” he said softly, stepping carefully around him and into the apartment. He looked around the small space, taking in all the boxes haphazardly labeled and partially packed. “So, it’s true. Your mom told me but I don’t think I believed her. Never thought I’d see the day TK Strand willingly left New York for Texas, of all places.” 

“Who says it’s willingly,” he said dully as he shut the door behind Enzo. 

Enzo turned and studied him more closely, taking in the downturned eyes and anxious fingers thumbing the seam of his hoodie pocket, “Do you not want to go? Because you can stay here. I’ll talk to your mom, you can stay with us if you…” 

But TK cut him off with a shake of his head, “No,” he said, “I think I need to do this. Dad’s right, I need a fresh start. I can’t...I don’t think I can be here anymore. When I think of staying here, I don’t see a way forward. I think if I stayed here I’d…” he trailed off, but Enzo felt a chill rush through him at the implication of what TK hadn’t said. He tried to meet his eyes but TK looked away, casting his gaze downward and away from Enzo’s sympathetic eyes. 

It hurt him more than he could say to see TK like this. For all his struggles he had always been a happy kid. He had always been someone who found the joy in life where he could and he had always worn his emotions on his sleeve, for better or worse. Seeing him like this and knowing what had happened hurt Enzo in ways he couldn’t fully describe because he didn’t know the right words. All he knew for sure is that this was not the TK he had known and loved for 16 years standing before him. This was a stranger; someone he had only seen once before during a time he had hoped to never revisit. 

He hadn’t asked what happened because he knew enough and he wasn’t about to make the kid revisit it just so he could fill in some blanks. He might not know everything but he knew enough to feel hot anger course through him at the thought of someone breaking that too big heart of his. TK had always been someone who loved fully and completely, and to see that thrown back in his face so spectacularly made Enzo—a typically steady and calm man — strongly consider homicide. 

He had every confidence that Gwyn could get him out of any charges too, but he pushed that thought aside to focus on the scene before him.  

“This isn’t your fault, TK.” 

TK turned away from him, absently picking up some books from the table and dropping them into one of the boxes. “I know I didn’t make Alex cheat,” he says eventually, “but the rest of it? That is completely on me Enzo, no one else.” 

He could sense that the kid had more to say so he let him go, watching from the doorway as he listlessly picked up other odds and ends from around his apartment, tossing them into boxes without any real care as to what the labels on the side said. He knew TK would speak up when he was ready and it was only a few more minutes before he did. 

“Eight years,” he finally said, his rough voice breaking the silence of the half-packed apartment. “Eight fucking years of sobriety, all gone. And that’s all on me. It doesn’t matter what Alex did, I’m the one who made the choice. I am the one who let him have that power over me and…” he broke off, meeting Enzo’s eyes for a moment before looking away and swallowing. “I do need to leave,” he said eventually. “I don’t trust myself to stay here anymore. I don’t know if I’d survive it.” 

Enzo could feel his heart breaking for the kid. He wasn’t a kid anymore — now 26 and an adult — but in Enzo’s eyes sometimes he was still the 10-year-old who met his eyes shyly when Gwyn first introduced them, the 14-year-old who had admitted to him in a terrified whisper that he thought he might like boys, the 19-year-old who had come to him because he wanted to enroll in the fire academy and didn’t know how his mother would take it. The feeling he had now was just like the feelings he had had then. This overwhelming love and desire to protect him from everything bad in the world; from anyone that ever told him he wasn’t enough. 

And just like he had then, he stepped forward, closing the space between them to pull him into a hug. He held him close, pressing his face into his chest and placing a kiss on the top of his head. “You’re making the smart choice then,” he said evenly. “And, as much as I’ll miss you, I’m proud of you for doing what you have to do. You’ve beat this once and you’ll beat it again, I have no doubt about that.” 

He knew he wasn’t imagining it when the body in his arms sagged in relief. It made him clutch him that much tighter as he spoke again, hoping what he was about to say was a given but needing to say it anyway:  “And I will always be here for you, no matter where you live. I’m always just a phone call away, you know that, right?”

TK’s voice was muffled by the material of Enzo’s sweater, but he could still hear the tears in it clear as day, “I do.” 

“Good,” Enzo replied firmly, releasing his grip on TK and stepping back so he could meet his eyes. “Because I will be calling to check-in, that is a promise.” 

---------------

Watching him leave was bittersweet, but he believed TK when he said it was something he needed to do. He took some solace in the fact that he wouldn’t be alone. Enzo and Owen Strand may have had their differences over the years (many, many differences) but if there was one thing Enzo had never doubted it was the other man’s love for his son. He knew that TK was in good hands, but that didn’t make it any easier. 

He got confirmation they had arrived in Austin in the form of a text that included a picture of a shop selling cowboy hats that simply said, “turns out people actually do where these here. Yes, it looks as ridiculous as it sounds.” It is followed by another two days later that noted the crimes Texas has committed against pizza and though Enzo was still filled with worry, he allowed himself to smile and take it as a sign that he was healing, be it ever so slightly. 

He gave it almost a week before he called. He wanted to hear TK’s voice; to have proof that he really was okay, but he also wanted to give him time. His patience was helped by the fact that Gwyn had spoken to her son but eventually, he decided that he needed to hear from him himself.  

TK answered by the third ring, sounding out of breath. He greeted him warmly, and Enzo could hear the commotion of construction in the background. He raised an eyebrow, “What, did you decide to leave the fire department and become a contractor when I wasn’t looking?” 

This pulled a laugh out of TK and Enzo took a moment to savor the familiar sound. It felt like far too long since he’s last heard it. 

“No. Dad decided we should re-do the firehouse, to give everyone a fresh start. I figured I might as well help out. Besides,” he added with a shrug Enzo could almost hear, “demolition is the far healthier method of coping with feelings, right?” 

“When done with permission,” Enzo quipped in response. “How are you doing kid, has the pizza chased you away yet?” 

TK scoffed, “No, but it was a close thing. Honestly, I really haven’t had that much time to dwell. I’ve been helping with the demo and construction, as well as the candidate interviews and paperwork. I haven’t really taken too much time to think about anything.” 

TK said it matter of factly and Enzo almost moved past it. But he knew TK better than most. “You don’t have to punish yourself, kid,” he told him gently. “All you need to do is heal.”

“I’m not punishing myself,” TK objected, “I’m just...trying to keep busy. To distract myself.” 

TK might very well think that, but Enzo was pretty sure it wasn’t true. But he was willing to move past it, for now. 

“Tell me about the new crew,” he said instead, and smiled as TK launched into stories about a daredevil from Miami and a possible psychic from Chicago. He seemed enthusiastic and Enzo didn’t realize how good it felt to hear that until he had. It was like there was a little bit of life back in his voice and though he knew TK still had a long way to go to make this better, he was relieved to see that he was at least on the way. 

------------

For a while, everything seemed to be going great. TK called and texted him from time to time, sharing anecdotes from calls and his new crew, and each time Enzo thinks he can hear just a little bit more of his old self returning to his voice. Sure he complains about one of them, for a while, but that too seems to sort itself out. 

He could tell there is someone new in his life too, even if TK is hedgy about it at best. But Enzo was the first one to know that TK was gay at 14; he knew how to spot the signs. 

“Why won’t you tell me about him?” he asked him one day, voice light and teasing as he stuffed his papers into his bag. “Is there something horribly wrong with him?”

“No,” TK countered emphatically, “there is nothing wrong with him. Absolutely nothing,” he added, almost an unconscious mutter Enzo was not entirely sure he was supposed to hear. 

“So if there is ‘absolutely nothing’ wrong with him, why aren't you going for it?” 

There was silence on the other end as Enzo slid his bag onto his shoulder, patiently waiting the younger man out. 

“You know why,” he eventually said, voice low and sad. Enzo grimaced at how pained his voice sounded and he dropped back into his desk chair with a sigh.

“TK…” he began, but the younger man cut him off firmly. 

“No, Enzo. I...I thought I could. I thought we could have something casual and that I could handle it. But then he wanted more and I hurt him. I don’t want to do that, he doesn’t deserve it. He’s too good to get dragged into my shitshow.” 

“Have you asked him what he wants?” Enzo asked gently. 

The bark of laughter TK gave at that was sharp and harsh, “Yeah, that should go well. Definitely won’t lead to me having to explain to this guy I’ve hooked up with a handful of times all the ways I’m fucked up right now.”

Enzo sighed again, leaning back in his chair, “It won’t always be like this, T. Someday you will be ready to try again, but only if you let yourself consider the possibility. Can you at least promise me that?”

There was silence for a long stretch and Enzo was about to ask him again when TK’s voice finally responded quietly, “Yes.” 

“Good,” Enzo responded firmly, “because no matter what happened, you still deserve happiness. And someday you’ll be ready to let it in again — maybe sooner than you think.” 

The sound of acknowledgment TK made sounded skeptical at best, but Enzo would take it. He knew he was right and he knew that someday TK would realize it too. Maybe even sooner than he thought. 

------------

It’s about a week later when Enzo’s phone rings, nearly making him jump as he is pulled abruptly from his stack of midterms. It took him a few moments of shuffling blue books to even locate his phone and when he did he frowned at both the time and the name displayed on the screen. 

“Hey kid,” he said lightly as he answered the phone, “what’s up?” 

He had hoped he was overreacting, that TK was just calling him late because he was on shift and had lost track of the time. He had hoped that maybe the universe was finally giving the kid a break. 

The despair and fear so clear in TK’s voice quickly prove him wrong.  

“Hey Enzo,” he said softly, “fuck, I know it’s late and I’m sorry to bother you, but I just really needed to talk to someone.” 

“You are never a bother,” Enzo told him firmly, capping his pen and setting it down on his desk. “What’s wrong?” 

“I…” TK began before stopping, taking a deep breath and trying again, “I don’t know for sure yet, but I know something is.”

And Enzo believed him. The fear in his voice is so raw Enzo could feel every ounce of it even from a timezone away. “I’m going to need more than that, kid,” he told him gently, leaning back in his chair as he waited TK out. 

“I found something,” TK said eventually, “that I definitely wasn’t supposed to find. And it means something awful. Something I don’t know if I can handle. But it also means he doesn’t trust me,” TK continued, “and somehow that almost feels worse.”

Enzo frowned, pondering all the non-specific details in his mind. He didn’t know all that much about his stepson’s life in Austin, but he knew enough to know that while he was close to his new crew, he wasn’t close enough to be this upset by an omission from one of them. That left him with two possibilities: the mysterious man he was not seeing, or Owen. 

And Enzo knew which option was more likely and it made his heart sink. TK might not be sharing but Ezno knew both the Strand men better than most. If there was something Owen felt strongly enough to keep from his son that TK was this upset about, it wasn’t good news.

“You don’t have to tell me what it is,” he said cautiously, “but is it something about your dad?” 

There was a deep, shuddering breath before TK responded, “Yeah.” 

And Enzo shut his eyes, the hurt and fear in TK’s voice telling him all he needed to know. 

“I don’t know what this is about,” he said eventually, “and you don’t have to tell me. But I do know you, and I know whatever it is you are going to want to be there for him, because that’s who you are. Let him know that, and the rest will follow from there.” 

There was silence again, but Enzo waited TK out. He was familiar with this rhythm; when something was bothering TK he often took his time to make sure he had the words right before he spoke. Over the years Enzo had learned to wait him out knowing that he would get to his point when he was ready.  

He did a few moments later, “I do want to be there for him,” TK agreed, “I just know why he didn’t tell me. He doesn’t think I can handle it — and he’s right,” TK confessed softly, “I don’t know if I can.” 

“You can,” Ezno assured him firmly, “you can do anything you set your mind to. You always have.” 

He let his words sink in for a moment before he added, “And I would talk to your dad before you make any assumptions. Let him know he can rely on you, let him know you want to be there.” 

“You make it sound so easy,” TK said dryly, and Enzo huffed a laugh. 

“In a way it is. It’s just words. It’s the actions behind them that are hard.” 

There was silence again before TK spoke, his voice so quiet Enzo almost missed his next words, “I’m scared.” 

“It’s okay to be scared,” Enzo reminded him, “sometimes fear is the appropriate response.” 

But even as he said it, he could feel his heart breaking. He didn’t know what was going on and while he was sure he would find out soon enough, he couldn’t help but hate whatever it was. TK deserved some time to find himself, to heal and simply exist. He didn’t understand why the universe kept throwing such curveballs at him, but he wished with every fiber of his being it would stop. 

“Sometimes it is,” TK agreed in a tone that made Enzo wonder even more what this was all about. But he didn’t ask; TK would tell him when he was ready. For now he would just be here for him. Sometimes that was all he could do. 

--------------

As much as Enzo couldn’t help but worry about the younger man, sometimes the updates were a sign that things were getting better for him, slowly but surely. 

One such time came as he and Gwyn were sitting on the couch together, Enzo making a case for watching Jeopardy with Gwyn adamantly refusing. 

“No,” she said again with a firm shake of her head, “it always ends the same way.” 

He shrugged, “I can’t help that you’re too competitive, or that I’m better at it then you are,” he added, giving her a sly grin. 

“We can’t all have PhDs in history,” she said wryly, “some of us need to work for a living.” 

He opened his mouth to fire back a retort but was interrupted by the ringing of his phone. “Saved by the bell,” he said instead with a shake of his head as he dug his phone out of his pocket. He frowned when he saw the familiar name on the screen and turned it so Gwyn could see. 

“Hey T,” he said cautiously as he answered, “everything good?” 

There was a lot of noise in the background but he could hear TK’s voice clearly as he answered, “Yeah, I just had a question for you. These people don’t believe me so I need your cred as a Columbia history professor to back me up.” 

Enzo raised an eyebrow at Gwyn, who had leaned closer to hear. She bit her lip against a laugh and he shook his head fondly, “I’ll do what I can. What’s the question?” 

“Hang on,” TK said, “I’m going to put you on speaker.” There was the sound of fumbling before the background noise grew louder and TK’s voice returned. “Okay guys,” he was saying, “this is my stepdad Enzo. He’s a history professor at Columbia and if you don’t believe me maybe you’ll believe him. You want to ask him the question, Paul?” 

“Man, you didn’t need to…” 

“No, this is a point of pride now.” TK objected indignantly and Enzo glanced at Gwyn to see that she had fully pressed a hand against her mouth to stop any laughter from slipping out and giving away her eavesdropping. “Ask him,” TK prompted and there was a sigh before a new voice joined the conversation. 

“Sir, we are so sorry to bother you. TK’s just being a sore loser.” 

“Paul, right?” Enzo asked and got a sound of confirmation in return, “You don’t have to tell me that, I helped raise him.” There was an indignant noise in the background, likely from TK, but Enzo ignored it. “What’s the question?” 

“Who invented the first movie camera?” 

“Louis Le Prince,” Enzo replied without hesitation, unable to suppress a chuckle at the sound of TK’s triumphant ha! In the background. “You guys thought it was Edison, didn’t you?”

“Well, yeah,” Paul admitted sheepishly and Enzo chuckled lightly.

“That’s understandable. Edison was the first person to mass market it and the first to get recognized for it, but Le Prince was actually the first. But he mysteriously disappeared in 1890, right before he was set to take a trip to the US to talk about his invention. So he never got a chance to market it.” 

There was silence for a moment before Paul spoke again, “So is there any proof Edison had him killed or…?” 

“No,” Enzo admitted, “but that is one of the theories for sure. Another is his brother did it over the family will. Either way, Edison was not the first.” 

“Huh,” Paul said thoughtfully, “that’s actually fascinating. Dude, I’m sorry for doubting you.” 

“It’s fine,” TK said evenly, “I am more than a pretty face you know.” 

There was a collective snort from the other end of the phone and Enzo glanced at Gwyn to roll his eyes. She shook her head fondly and he returned his attention to the call, “Any other burning history questions or was that it?” 

The background noise lessened as TK took the phone off speaker. “No, that’s it. Thanks, Enzo.” 

“Anytime kid,” he told him, “you know I love to flex my random history facts.” That got another laugh out of TK, but Enzo could still hear the background noise of a group in the background. The sounds of easy comradery set his mind at ease in a way not much else had since TK had left for Texas. “Why don’t you get back to your friends and I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Okay, thanks again.” 

“Don’t mention it. I love you kid.” 

“Love you too. Say hi to mom for me?” 

“You’ve got it.” 

With that the call was over and Enzo was left back in their silent living room, Gwyn looking at him with a soft smile. 

“He sounds happy,” she said after a moment, her voice warm but thick. He nodded. 

“He does. As much as I do hate to admit it, I think going to Austin may have the best thing for him.” 

“You just hate that Owen was right.” 

“And you don’t?” he asked her with a raised eyebrow. 

“Well that’s a given,” she quipped, leaning closer to him. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and squeezed them as she rested her head on her shoulder. “I’m just glad he’s doing better,” she said softly after a moment, “I’ve been so worried about him.” 

“Me too,” he admitted, pressing a kiss to the top of her hair. That sat in silence for a few more moments, each lost in their own thoughts before he spoke again. 

“So is that still a no to Jeopardy or…?”

She swatted at him and he grinned, ducking away from the light hit. Things seemed to have returned to their equilibrium, and that was a relief. 

He just hoped it stayed that way. 

-------------------

When he was wrested from sleep by the shrill sound of his phone ringing cutting through the late-night silence of his bedroom, Enzo groaned. He swore under his breath as he fumbled for the device, blinking the sleep out of his eyes as he did. But when he managed to grasp his phone and saw the name on the screen, all thoughts of annoyance fled his mind. Owen Strand calling him was rarely a good sign. Owen Strand calling him at 2 am promised nothing short of disaster. 

“Owen?” he said as he answered, skipping any and all attempts at pleasantries. “Is everything okay?”

He could afford to give the universe the benefit of the doubt, he decided; even if only for a moment. 

When Owen’s reply came it was in a voice Enzo didn’t recognize. It was shaky and uncertain in a way that the other man never was. 

“Enzo, hey. I’m sorry to bother you but Gwyn’s not answering her phone and…” he broke off with a shaky breath, “I really need to talk to her.” 

“She’s in Beijing,” Enzo replied, sitting up and switching on the lamp beside him. “And given the time difference, probably in a meeting.”

He heard Owen swear distantly before he felt fear rise up in him. Owen calling him at 2 in the morning looking for Gwyn and out of sorts only added up to one thing, but Enzo so hoped he was wrong. 

“Owen, did something happen to TK?” he forced himself to ask; the stress of not knowing was worse than anything else. 

He could hear Owen take another breath, deep and shaky and filled with something else Enzo couldn’t identify on a phone call from half a country away. 

“There was an...incident,” Owen said softly, voice still unsteady, “on our last call.”

Enzo’s mind was already spinning, stumbling from one horrible possibility from another. 

“There was a man with dementia who broke into his old house and a homeowner who had a cardiac event and TK broke down the door and….he was shot.” 

Enzo heard the words, he knew he did. But he couldn’t have. If he had heard them that would mean that TK had been shot and that was not something that could be true. His stepson was a firefighter. It was a profession that came with enough risks of its own. He had spent countless days worried and fearful at the thought of rescues gone wrong, of untamable flames and unstable buildings. Never once had he even entertained the thought of a bullet being a risk to watch out for. Bullets were supposed to be the problem of other people with other jobs — not his stepson, who already had so many dangers to face. 

But it was true. The fear and pain in Owen’s voice told him it was true. There was an edge of both hysteria and despair in his words and that more than anything scared Enzo more than he could say.

“Where?” was the first coherent thought he could form. 

“Just below his left shoulder” Owen repeated mechanically. “His...his lung collapsed before we were even out of the hallway. Enzo, he couldn’t breathe. He kept trying but he couldn’t and there was so much blood....” Owen trailed off and Enzo could hear the unmistakable sound of a sob in the background even as his own hands trembled and his eyes watered. 

“Is he…” he started, but he couldn’t make himself say the words. He couldn’t speak the awful possibility into existence. 

“He’s headed to surgery,” Owen replied. “I don’t know anything more than that, we only got here about 15 minutes ago. I just...I just hope it was fast enough.” 

There was silence then as the two men allowed the same fear to consume them from opposite ends of the country. Enzo felt a morbid camaraderie with the other man in that moment. In the 16 years they had known each other it was safe to say that they had never exactly gotten along. They had always been polite and cordial for the sake of Gwyn, TK, and family gatherings but they were too different in too many ways that mattered to ever truly be friends. They had only ever agreed on one thing, and now that was the thing that tied them together — loving TK.  

“You got him there as fast as you could Owen,” Enzo assured him without hesitation because there wasn’t a doubt in his mind that it wasn’t true. “You did everything you could. Any chance he has is because of you.” 

“I think the credit lays more with the paramedics,” Owen objected, “but I appreciate the effort all the same.” 

Enzo opened his mouth again, not quite sure what he was going to say but feeling the overwhelming need to say something, but he was interrupted before he got the chance to figure it out. 

There was a noise on the other end followed by the sound of shuffling as Owen attended to whatever it was. When his voice returned, it was tight. 

“That’s Gwyn on the other line, I’ve gotta take it. But listen, Enzo…”

But Enzo just shook his head, “Don’t worry about it Owen, talk to her. Just, keep me updated?” 

“Of course,” he replied without hesitation, “as soon as I know anything.” 

Then with another hurried goodbye, the call was over and Enzo was left in the dark and quiet bedroom, alone. It wasn’t long before the tears he had felt threatening began to fall in earnest as he wrapped his mind around this reality and allowed himself to dwell on it. There was a chance — a very real and terrifying chance — that they could lose TK. That Gwyn and Owen could lose the son they had brought into this world and loved for 26 years. That Enzo could lose one of the people he loved the most. The thought of TK not existing anymore was too horrible to dwell on. 

Enzo was a religious man. He had been raised by a small Jewish family in a large community and his faith had been something that he had always had. It had seen him through so much. But now, with this, he had to wonder. It didn’t make sense that TK — his wonderful, caring stepson who had dedicated his life to helping people — should have to suffer so much in such a short time on earth. It went against everything he had ever believed about putting good into the world. Why should TK — who had never done anything to hurt anyone — have to suffer so? Why should he? He didn’t want to know what life without TK looked like. 

More than anything, he hated that he might find out. 

When Gwyn called him a few minutes later he pushed his own tears aside. He murmured soft reassurances as she sobbed in a quiet corner of a Beijing office building, consumed with fear and grief a world away from her child who was slipping further and further from them with every passing moment. He gave her empty platitudes, reassured her the best he could. 

But all the while the fear was drilling a hole straight through his chest. This, he decided, was the worst fear he had ever felt. 

The worst part was there was nothing he could do but wait, and hope desperately for the best. 

----------------

The next several days were some of the longest of Enzo’s life. Each day he woke up and went about the day. Each day he kept his phone volume on, not wanting to miss any news either way. Each day an update came from Owen and each day it was the same: no change. 

He debated going out to Austin — he had been halfway through buying a ticket online half a dozen times — but each time he stopped himself. Logically he knew that being there wouldn’t change anything. He would still be waiting, he’d just be waiting there. He told himself he was needed here, that he couldn’t just pick up and go across the country with no warning. It was the end of the semester and he had students to help to finish the course or their dissertation. He told himself staying was the responsible option, but he knew that it was largely just a distraction. But he would take any distraction he could get and so he pushed the guilt of not being there to the side

He taught his classes, he went through the motions. He fielded calls from Gwyn, still stuck in China and frantic with worry. Each day he reassured her; reminded her that TK was strong, young, and healthy. Above all that, he reminded her, he was stubborn. No bullet or coma was going to take him from them before he was ready. 

Of course there was the private fear, the one he didn’t want to share, that he didn’t want to hang on anyone else. The one he was afraid to say out loud. 

It was the thought that maybe, after everything, that was exactly what he did want. That maybe this was an out and that maybe, he would take it. That maybe he didn’t want to be alive anymore. 

But that was a possibility too horrible to accept. Maybe it was selfish, but Enzo knew that even if that was the case, he wasn’t ready. He doubted he ever would be, but he certainly wasn’t now. He knew both Gwyn and Owen would agree. No time was a good time to lose your child — step or otherwise — but now, after this — after everything — was not the time. 

So he waited, and hoped. 

Time seemed to blend together and before he knew it one day had become two, which had stretched into four. Each moment passed the same way — tensely, with no news. 

He knew he had been distracted too — keeping his ringer on during class and checking in throughout his lectures and office hours. He had apologized to his classes after the second telemarketer had caused him to drop everything and lunge for his phone, citing a family emergency and word had slowly gotten around. Soon it wasn’t just him hoping for the best, but most of the Columbia history department as well. Their well wishes were touching, but nothing short of good news was going to make him feel any better. 

So when his phone did finally ring on a Thursday afternoon, 5 days after the fateful call, he picked it up with trepidation. The name on the screen sent his heart racing and he nearly dropped his phone in his haste to answer it. 

“Owen?” he asked tersely, “Any updates?”   

Because since that night they hadn’t spoken. All updates had come in the form of texts and the thought of Owen finally having something to tell him one way or the other simultaneously thrilled him and nearly froze him with fear. 

But it wasn’t Owen’s voice that answered. 

“Hey Enzo,” TK said, the sound of his voice rushing through Enzo’s body like a current of electricity. He sank back into his seat with a wobbly laugh, feeling nearly a week's worth of tension fall away as he listened to the miraculous sound of TK breathing on the other end of the phone. 

“Hey kid,” he said warmly. “You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice. How are you feeling?” 

“Okay,” he answered, “I really don’t feel too bad at all. A little sore, a little tired, but overall not bad.” 

“I hear getting shot will do that to you,” Enzo retorted drily before sighing and running a weary hand down his face. “You scared the shit out of me, TK,” he admitted. 

“Sorry,” TK replied softly, “I didn’t mean to worry anyone.” 

“It’s not your fault,” Enzo rushed to reassure him, “I know you didn’t ask for this to happen but...shit TK, I am not built for this. Do you think you could avoid getting shot in the future, for my sanity at the very least?” 

“I’ll try,” TK responded with a chuckle, “I don’t remember most of it but I don’t think it’s anything I want to revisit.”  

“No, I’d imagine not,” Enzo retorted wryly. They lapsed into a comfortable silence, each lost in their own thoughts and taking comfort from the presence of the other even if it was only over a phone call from half a country away. “So,” he finally said, leaning into normal conversation for the sake of normalcy, “is your dad driving you nuts yet?” 

“Yes,” TK responded emphatically, “he has been hovering non-stop, and he brought a date.” 

Enzo could hear indignant sputtering in the background and Owen muttering something about him not bringing a date, that his date had simply come to visit him to see how he was doing and, maybe because of all the fear and stress of the past week, Enzo could only laugh. 

“That sounds like your dad,” he retorted once he caught his breath, “and I wouldn’t count on that changing anytime soon.” 

“She seemed cool at least,” TK allowed, voice teasing, “I don’t know why he was trying to keep her a secret.”

“Excuse you,” Owen’s voice objected from the background, “I am not the one who had a hot cop sitting by my bedside. You don’t get to talk about keeping secrets.”

“Dad,” TK groaned and Enzo’s eyebrows shot up. 

“Oh, so the mystery man is a cop,” he teased, “and the plot thickens.” 

Now it was TK’s turn to splutter, “Nope, we are not doing this. That is more than enough from both of you,” he declared and Enzo could hear Owen chuckling at his son’s indignation from the background. It was a slice of normal that he had feared he’d never get again. To be sitting here hearing TK’s voice, teasing him about something so simple as the guy he had a crush on seemed like a miracle and Enzo was grateful for it.

Everything was normal again, at long last. 

----------------

Sometimes he thinks that turning on news alerts for Austin was the worst decision he had ever made. 

It seemed practical, at the time. An easy way to stay in the know, to have an idea of what kind of calls TK may have seen on any given day. But now he was frozen in the middle of the hallway after one of his classes staring at a notification about a solar storm that had blasted through Austin, leaving devastation in its wake; regretting every decision that led him to this point. 

He knew TK was still on medical leave. He knew that he should be home and resting after only being released from the hospital two days before. But he also knew his stepson and knew that whenever there was trouble, TK was usually not too far behind. 

It was with that thought in his mind that he stepped out out the middle of the hallway and leaned against the wall as he waited anxiously for the call to connect. The sound of a pleasant robotic voice informing him that his call could not be completed filled him with dread, but he forced himself to take a breath. It didn’t mean anything. The grid was likely overloaded right now; Enzo couldn’t say he knew for sure what kind of damage a solar storm could do but he was willing to guess that it wasn’t great for the electronic infrastructure. 

Left with no other options he went on about his day, the familiar anxiety he had only recently shed slipping back over him like a worn winter coat. He tried calling a few more times, trying to ignore how the dread in his gut grew each and every time the call didn’t go through. He resisted the urge to ask one of his science colleagues to explain the specifics of a solar storm; reasoning that dealing with his own uncertainty would be far kinder than having confirmed facts. At least this way, he decided, he could tell himself he was overreacting. 

It was far too many hours before his phone rang; an unfamiliar number appearing on his lock screen. He frowned at it but swiped to answer. He did list his cell number on all of his course syllabi, but for the most part his students stuck to his campus email, or — in desperate times — text. 

“Dr. Cohen,” he answered, mentally placing bets as to whether it was actually a student or a robot trying to inform him about the extended warranty of the car he didn’t own.

To his immense relief, it was neither. Instead, a familiar voice answered, sending a rush of relief through him at the sound, “Hey, Enzo, it’s me.” 

“TK,” he breathed, setting down the paper he had been reading and closing his eyes as he took a deep breath. “Are you okay?” 

“More or less,” he answered sheepishly and Enzo was about to push for more than that when he caught the distinct sound of a hospital intercom in the background. 

“Tyler Kennedy Strand, are you in the hospital again?” he demanded and he heard a weary sigh from the other end before a quiet “yeah” was muttered. 

“It’s not a big deal though,” TK rushed to explain, “I’m fine. I just pulled my stitches.” 

There was another voice in the background that Enzo didn’t recognize and could barely hear, but what he could hear made it clear that the other voice was not impressed either. 

“Well, what was I supposed to do?” TK demanded, and Enzo was not entirely sure who he was speaking to, “Let her drown in a burning bus?” 

“You just got out of the hospital!” Enzo objected when he could form words again, “What were you doing somewhere where there was a burning bus?!” 

“We just went out for boba,” TK retorted, “I didn’t expect there to be a solar storm that caused a bus accident.” 

And Enzo forced himself to take a deep breath because that was fair, he supposed. There was no way anyone could control anything like that. Still…

“The next time you move we’re going to need to do some research,” he declared. “Because if it is anywhere as chaotic as Austin, I’m going to have to object.” 

“I wouldn’t worry about that,” TK assured him, “I think I’ll be in Austin for a while.” 

There was a smile in his voice and Enzo somehow had the feeling he was intruding on something, even though TK had been the one to call him. 

“What number are you calling me from?” he asked, testing his theory. 

“I borrowed Carlos’s phone,” TK answered in a voice that said he knew what was coming and he hoped it would at least be quick. 

“Oh,” Enzo replied, “and Carlos wouldn’t happen to be the name of a certain ‘hot cop’ your father mentioned, aka the mystery man I have been trying to get you to tell me about for months?”

“Yes.”

“And when you say ‘we’ were trying to get boba…” 

“Enzo…”  

“And he wouldn’t happen to be with you right now, would he?” 

“Are you done?” TK demanded, and Enzo only laughed. 

“Not nearly, kid; I’m just getting started.” 

And despite TK’s muttering, Enzo could tell that he sounded happier than he had heard him sound in ages. He marveled at the fact that somehow, despite everything, TK had managed to find the happiness and peace he had hoped for him ever since he left New York all those months ago. Between the disasters he had managed to take his broken pieces and fit them back together, maybe even stronger than they had been before. 

It was all he had ever wanted for him, and he was relieved beyond belief that he had found it. 

“You know, this means I’m going to have to come down there soon,” he said instead, “I’ve got to meet this mystery man for myself.” 

He could practically hear TK rolling his eyes, but his voice was impossibly warm when he assured him, “You’ll like him, Enzo.” 

“Do you like him?” he asked.

“Yeah,” TK responded without a moment’s hesitation, “I do.” 

“Then I already do,” he assured him. 

If this Carlos had anything to do with the happiness he could finally hear returned to his stepson’s voice, he couldn’t do anything but. 

[theyearoftheking]

Book Eighty-One: Billy Summers

“Maybe a chilly story needs a chilly writing room, he thinks. It’s as good an explanation as any, since the whole process is a mystery to him, anyway.” 

Well hello there, Constant Readers! Have you missed me and my half-assed reviews of Steve books? 

Crickets. 

I know I’ve promised book reviews, television recaps... all the things. But I’m kind of busy living and enjoying life at the moment, without the need to take notes or screen grabs. That being said, I really did enjoy Billy Summers, and it took me almost a hundred pages to remember how this blogging thing worked. I was supposed to take notes? Dark Tower references? DePere, Wisconsin? Should I remember that for some reason? But don’t worry, it was like riding a bike. This blog is full of all the stuff you’ve come to know and love, as well as SPOILERS!!! So, if you have not finished the book yet, stop reading and come back once you’ve turned the last page.

SPOILERS!!! Consider yourselves adequately warned. 

Billy Summers doesn’t really include anything supernatural, and it’s more suspenseful and plot driven than some of Steve’s other books. In other words, it’s another great recommendation for people who don’t claim they don’t like Stephen King. 

Billy is an assassin who has mastered the art of “dumb like a fox”. 

He’s hired for a new assignment, but something seems off. Billy has been in the assassin game long enough to know when something is foul in the state of Denmark. He doesn’t trust the people who hired him, and he has the distinct impression he’s going to end up as the patsy in the end. But, he plays along as Dave Lockridge, single man and writer. He moves onto a charming street in Midwood (I kept reading this as Midworld... thanks, Steve), makes friends with all the neighbors, and beats all the neighborhood kids at Monopoly on the weekends. This part of the book was so tender, it reminded me a lot of Ted Brautigan and the kids from Hearts in Atlantis. Of all the things Billy later regrets, it’s letting these kids down, and having them trust him when he was obviously so untrustworthy. 

During the day, Billy writes  at his office in Gerald Tower. There’s always a tower, isn’t there? And this tower takes on more significance, because it’s the spot from which Billy is supposed to shoot Joel Allen. Joel is due to be transferred to Midwood, and marched up the steps of the courthouse just like in The Outsider. Constant Readers remember how well that worked out... 

Billy has an assassins creed: he only shoots bad guys. On the scale of bad guys, Joel Allen isn’t quite Ted Bundy, but he’s not Mr. Rodgers either. He had something of a “me too” moment when he accidentally mistook a feminist writer for a sex worker; and there was a gun fight outside of a poker game. It’s enough for Billy to work with. 

Billy is waiting for Joel to be transferred to the Midworld Midwood county lock-up; and he bides his time by actually doing some writing. He covers his tragic childhood (his mom worked in a laundry facility, just like Steve’s mom), and his time in the military. This is where Steve really shines. Billy’s book is written in a childish tone that just WORKS. It’s exactly what you’d expect from a simple-minded assassin. But still waters, friends. As the story goes on, Billy’s voice grows and improves. Well done, Steve, it’s like two books for the price of one.

In between writing, Billy assumes another fake identity (Dalton Smith), and secures a bolt hole to hide out in once his job is complete. Believe it or not, the murder of Joel Allen is such an insignificant part of the book. Billy successfully takes him out, and makes it to his bolt hole undetected. And this is really where the second part of the book starts. 

One rainy night, Billy hears random noises outside his apartment. He looks out the window in time to see a van full of guys dump a female body into a gutter. Billy should have just anonymously called the police... but if he had done that, we wouldn’t have a story. Instead, Billy goes full on Captain Save A Ho, and pulls the young woman from the gutter. It’s clear she had been drugged and assaulted, and she manages to puke all over Billy’s place. 

Neat. 

When Alice wakes up in the morning, she recognizes Billy from the police sketches, but promises not to rat him out for the Joel Allen murder. They form an unlikely friendship that includes watering the neighbor’s plants, watching Blacklist, and Alice reading Billy’s book. Basically, they were sheltering in place before that was even a thing; something Steve jokes about. Eventually, Billy knows he needs to get the rest of his money for the Joel Allen hit, and punish the guys who raped Alice. 

Y’all. I’m still having nightmares over the most creative use of a hand mixer I have ever read. I thought the can-opener in Lisey’s Story was bad... this was worse. But the kind of worse you feel good about, if that makes sense. 

After finding out the name of the guy behind the Joel Allen hit, killing a few bad dudes, and pissing off a bitch named Marge (fucking Marge if you’re nasty), Billy and Alice hunker down in Colorado with Billy’s assassin booking agent, Bucky. 

As soon as Billy and Alice entered Colorado and the town of Sidewinder was mentioned, I knew where we were headed. Yeah buddy, Overlook time! 

Billy takes to writing in a little shack behind Bucky’s house, and inside the shack is a Polaroid picture of the topiary animals at the Overlook. Every time Billy looks at the picture, the animals seem to have shifted. It gives him a cold sense of dread. 

There’s a certain parallel I picked up on in Colorado: Jack Torrance and Billy Summers are both haunted men running away from things. The Overlook was where Jack went to dry out, and work on his writing. He wanted to work on his marriage, and become a better father to Danny. We all know he failed spectacularly. Then, we’ve got Billy. Billy actually gets writing accomplished, and becomes an unlikely father-figure to Alice. Despite having just as much, if not more baggage than Jack, Billy doesn’t let it define him. He acknowledges it, and moves past it. It’s almost like Billy accomplishes what Jack couldn’t. And it took the Overlook burning to the ground for that to happen. 

While we’re on the topic of Billy and Alice, one of the things I love about Steve’s characters is he never forces romance where there doesn’t need to be any. While Billy acknowledges the age gap between him and Alice, nothing untoward ever happens between them. There’s obvious love, but never the romantic kind. Steve is one of the few contemporary writers to get this right. 

The story ends with Billy killing the guy behind Joel’s hit, getting shot by Marge as he leaves the crime scene (fucking Marge), Alice nursing him back to health, and getting him back to Colorado where they all live happily ever after.

I wish.

I wish I had stopped reading twenty-three pages before the book ended, because the actual end was more realistic, but heartbreaking. In reality, fucking Marge shot Billy in the stomach, and he died of an infection in the back of a Walmart parking lot. Fucking Marge indeed. But this was the way the book should have ended. Needed to end. Anything else would have been unrealistic. But damn, I hated to see Billy go out like that. 

There was one Wisconsin reference: after Billy kills Joel Allen, he’s supposed to be transferred to a safe house in De Pere. You know... where Steve lived when he was in a kid.

Other than Gerald Tower, we were also graced with “the world has moved on-” just to remind us that we all follow The Beam. 

Total Wisconsin Mentions: 49

Total Dark Tower References: 78

Book Grade: A+

Rebecca’s Definitive Ranking of Stephen King Books

Doctor Sleep: A+

The Talisman: A+

Wizard and Glass: A+

11/22/63: A+

Mr. Mercedes: A+

Billy Summers: A+

End of Watch: A+

Under the Dome: A+

Needful Things: A+

On Writing: A+

The Green Mile: A+

Hearts in Atlantis: A+

Full Dark, No Stars: A+

The Outsider: A+

The Bazaar of Bad Dreams: A+

If It Bleeds: A+

Just After Sunset: A+

Rose Madder: A+

Misery: A+

Different Seasons: A+

It: A+

Four Past Midnight: A+

Stephen King Goes to the Movies: A+

The Shining: A-

The Stand: A-

Finders Keepers: A-

Bag of Bones: A-

Duma Key: A-

Black House: A-

The Institute: A-

The Wastelands: A-

The Drawing of the Three: A-

The Dark Tower: A-

Dolores Claiborne: A-

Blaze: B+

Hard Listening: B+

Revival: B+

Nightmares in the Sky: B+

The Dark Half: B+

Joyland: B+

Skeleton Crew: B+

The Dead Zone: B+

Nightmares & Dreamscapes: B+

Wolves of the Calla: B+

‘Salem’s Lot: B+

Song of Susannah: B+

Carrie: B+

Creepshow: B+

Later: B+

From a Buick 8: B

The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon: B

Sleeping Beauties: B-

The Colorado Kid: B-

Storm of the Century: B-

Everything’s Eventual: B-

Cycle of the Werewolf: B-

The Wind Through the Keyhole: B-

Danse Macabre: B-

The Running Man: C+

Cell: C+

Thinner: C+

Dark Visions: C+

The Eyes of the Dragon: C+

The Long Walk: C+

The Gunslinger: C+

Pet Sematary: C+

Firestarter: C+

Rage: C

Desperation: C-

Insomnia: C-

Cujo: C-

Nightshift: C-

Faithful: D

Gerald’s Game: D

Roadwork: D

Lisey’s Story: D

Christine: D

Dreamcatcher: D

The Regulators: D

The Tommyknockers D

I’m not going to end this with any promises of upcoming posts. That way when I do randomly stumble on here one afternoon, it will be a delight for us all.

Until next time, Long Days & Pleasant Nights,

Rebecca

[lasc-o]

I personally like to watch the Castlevania Netflix series for how silly and sometimes downright stupid it is. Where do we begin?

The debate between Morana and Stryga (the two lesbian vampires) hilariously sounded like “Are we the baddies?” by Mitchell and Webb, duh! I mean they consider human life’s value as high as the pigs we eat despite the fact they acknowledge their intelligence. Every vampire we saw so far murder the innocent on a regular basis. Carmilla has some fresh virgin blood bottles in her castle and each time we see a vampire feed they never try to spare the victim.

The dubbing is good but ASMR good. Most of the villains speak in the same way, like if they’re trying too hard to imitate Tony Jay’s voice. But they just sound like Judge Claude Frollo on Valium. They get slightly more variety in the last season. But there’s still something “sanitized” about them.

Maybe it’s because English isn’t my mother tongue but most of the voices sound “too” perfect to me. Like if the actors were so focused on the pronunciation that they forgot how to emote. I hope we will get at least one character talking like someone truly furious or batsh*t insane. Because even when Carmilla or Death swear like troopers they remain cold, totally in control, calculated or just depressed. I heard saturday morning cartoon characters speaking with more passion. There’s a lot of similarities with video games in this series and Castlevania dub actors sound exactly like the ones from the Hades video game (with less variety).

Talking about dubbing, some of the dialogues heavily rely on repetition. Do you remember Carmilla’s “old stupid men” monologue? “There are stupid old men out there… they got stuff they don’t deserve. And I’m going to take their stuff. I’m going to take these evil men’s stuff. Because they’re stupid old men… and I’m going to take their stuff… etc.” Lenore does that too: “Carmilla showed me maps of the world Hector. It’s serious, Hector. In case you didn’t get it, Hector: she showed me maps… of the world…. Your name’s Hector, right?”

All I could hear was Kronk’s famous “Oh. The poison. The poison for Kuzco, the poison chosen especially to kill Kuzco, Kuzco's poison. That poison? » Sometimes, the script is written by Captain Obvious but that’s okay.

[down here there be spoilers:]

We got Saint-Germain turning into an murderous incel. Meh. Too bad we need someone to do stupid evil sh*t so that the plot advance.

I kinda liked Varney because, like all vampires, he’s full of himself, but with the voice and clothing tastes of Argus Flinch. I expected him to die in a spectacularly humiliating way but he turned out to be an ancient eldritch monster… except he still talks in the same rude way! It would be hilarious if the Varney persona had been actually Death's true personality since the dawn of time!

Carmilla made a cool villain. It’s a shame they didn’t know what to do with the only vampires with a brain and decided she and Lenore had to go down. Therefore the script tells us that she was actually overreaching her power, that her ambitions were unrealistic, that she didn’t have any wisdom or proper technical knowledge, she just threw ideas and her underlings had the impossible task to make it work. She ended up being just genderbent vampire Elon Musk. Which might make a cool villain but what do we have left now that she’s dead? The two vampire lesbians ran away. Isaac wants to build some kind of empire too but he’s only slightly less uninteresting than the wooden board he was before: “Hm, I think I’m not going to kill all of humanity. Hm, I might build things. But let’s not try anything too concrete until season 13. Hm, have a berry.” Hector doesn’t know what to do so, like everyone in quarantine, he’s going to write a book. It will be titled “How I burnt my mom alive because she didn’t like my zombie pet. Please be sad for me.”

They also got rid of Lenore, one of the most enjoyable vampires. They could have her plotting from her prison. But no. She spent 99% of her screen time inside the castle. And yet she can’t even stand 5 minutes of confinement without killing herself. And Hector is like “Oh, she died… meh. Maybe I should write it in my book too”.

TLDR: Castlevania isn’t a show I love to hate. It’s just a show I like to laugh at. And I can’t wait for season 5. Though that would mean Trevor, Sypha and Alucard won’t get their well-deserved rest.

[let-it-raines]

your wonder under summer skies (10/?)

Summer in Storybrooke, Maine means one thing for its residents: tourist season. This year, for Emma Swan and Killian Jones, it means relationships ending and friendships changing all the while they attempt to figure out just what their relationship is. It’s somewhere straddling the line between friends and lovers, and there’s no guarantee of a soft landing if they fall into new territory.

rating: mature

ao3: beginning | current

tumblr: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |

-/-

“Swan? Let’s do what?”

Emma’s lips are parted, and he keeps waiting for her to finish her sentence, to say something. He was rather interested in hearing what exactly she was about to suggest that they do, but she’s no longer paying him any attention.

What could have possibly gotten her attention?

Killian twists his head around to look behind him, and it would be impossible to miss Neal.

Neal and Tamara and the way that they’re standing hand in hand in line for the Ferris wheel like some kind of cliché out of a bad movie that plays on TV every Saturday night.

Well, fuck.

Killian’s hands fall from Emma’s hips before he moves them to her shoulders, tugging on them and trying to get her attention. It doesn’t work at first, but then she’s blinking and shaking her head before snapping her mouth shut, her lips pressed into a firm line.

“Hey, let’s get back to my place, yeah? The fireworks will be soon, and we don’t want Liam and Elsa to get the good spots. Liam’s got that huge head, so he might block the view.”

Her laugh in response is pathetic, and she obviously knows it from the way she overcorrects and attempts to make her laughter genuine. It falls flat. She’s an open book to him sometimes, he wishes all the time, and right now, he knows the path her mind is about to take.

He would know. He’s pretty much paved the damn path for her.

“What the fuck is he doing here?” she hisses, eyes slanting.

“It’s a holiday. Everyone here spends it at the pier.”

“Not Neal. Never Neal. He told me every year that he would never come with me. That asshole.”

Emma pulls away from him, and he loses his grip on her shoulders as she storms off toward Neal. Her swan falls off, and he has to lean down to pick it up.

Bloody hell.

Is he ever going to get to quit chasing this woman?

“Emma,” he shouts before cursing under his breath. He doesn’t need to bring attention to them. “Swan, hey.” He has to jog to catch up to her, tugging on her wrist and pulling her back and away from the main path until they’re standing between two booths.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going to go yell at that fucking bastard for showing up here with her.”

“That is not going to make you feel better.”

“Really? Because I think getting to tell him that I absolutely despise him would make me feel a hell of a lot better.”

“For a moment, yeah, but then it all goes away and he gets the satisfaction of knowing that he is still affecting you like this.”

She scoffs and rolls her eyes. He may be a stubborn ass, but she’s the exact same way.

“Really? You’re telling me this? You, who if I remember correctly, had sex with me to forget about your ex when she showed up, is preaching about momentary satisfaction not being good enough.”

Killian flexes his hand and tries to keep it from balling up into a fist. He’s got the stuffed swan in his left hand, and it’s already straining from how he’s clenching it. Damn thing. He hates how easily it hurts now.

He hates that this is the way Emma is about to be, but if she’s going to have to realize that he’s more than capable of giving what he gets.

Stepping closer to her, Killian dips his head down until his looking into Emma’s eyes. “Aye, that I did, but I was not the first to do it and I also regretted treating you like that. I think it may be smart for you to remember that before you decide to throw stones at me because you’re upset with Neal.”

Her jaw clenches, and her eyes cut away from him. He can feel the heat radiating off of her, and her chest heaves as she breathes. There’s this part of him, something he knows is primal, that can’t look past the way her breasts look as they move or the way that he can see her stomach when he looks down. She’s been wearing a bloody bikini all night, the flannel shirt on top of it not at all buttoned, and he’s tried not to think too much of it.

He has spectacularly failed. The woman is a temptress.

But she is also his best mate, and none of that is what he should be focusing on since it doesn’t even make the list of his priorities at the moment.

“I think I need to be alone.”

“Swan – ”

“It’s…you’re fine. We’re fine. I’ll be on the rooftop at ten like I’m supposed to be so we can all watch explosions in the sky. I just need some time to breathe.”

“Emma.”

She finally looks at him. “I’m not going to talk to Neal. I promise. See you later, okay?”

“In half an hour, love. I’ll save you a seat.”

“Good.”

And then she’s walking away and turning in the opposite direction of Neal and Tamara. Killian, however, can’t seem to do that.

He’s seen Emma upset more times in the past month and a half than he has in the past five years. There have been times when she’s broody and annoyed and mad as hell, occasionally at him, but it’s never been like what he’s seen lately.

It’s never been heartbreak that she’s been attempting to hide.

If he’s honest with himself, he’s never cared this much either.

Right now, though, all he can think about is what a fucking idiot Neal has to be to cheat on Emma and to keep doing things that are going to upset her.

She doesn’t deserve it. No one does.

Well, Neal Cassidy might.

He and Tamara are still standing in line at the Ferris wheel, but Killian now realizes that they’re not in line at all. They’re simply standing there talking with Neal’s hand on Tamara’s ass as she throws her head back in laughter.

If Emma wanted Neal to come here every year, Killian can’t understand why he wouldn’t. They were together for half a decade, and the man couldn’t come once? It’s not asking much. Hell, it’s barely asking anything.

But he’s here with the woman he was sleeping with behind Emma’s back?

Maybe he should have let Emma tell him off because that would feel so damn good right now.

Breathing in, Killian pushes down the urge to walk toward Neal and decides to walk past him. Momentary satisfaction, he reminds himself. If he discouraged Emma from doing it, he can’t be the hypocrite.

Damn does he want to be.

Fortunately, or unfortunately really, for him, Neal seems to want to let him have the opportunity.

“Hey, Jones.”

Fuck.

Killian stops walking and slowly turns on his heels. Cassidy is walking toward him, his girlfriend staying back where they were standing, and Killian is definitely going to rip the head off of this swan before the night is over.

Better it than Neal, he guesses.

(Logistically. He would much rather rip the bastard’s head off, but he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life in prison.)

“Cassidy,” Killian greets, but he doesn’t offer anything else.

Neal smiles and laughs before sticking his hands in his pockets and shrugging. Is he trying to look nice? Because it sure as hell isn’t working.

“Can I talk to you for a minute? In private.”

“You can talk, but you can talk here. I’ve got somewhere to be in a few minutes.”

Neal’s eyes narrow, and he looks down at Killian’s hand. Out of instinct, Killian wants to pull his shirtsleeves down and cover his scars, but that’s not what Neal is looking at.

“Look, man,” Neal sighs, that same, insincere smile on his face, “I saw you walking around earlier with Emma, and I feel like I’ve got to warn you.”

Oh, this asshole definitely deserves to have his head ripped off.

“Pardon?”

“You and Emma.” He shrugs again while Killian straightens his shoulders. “I always kind of knew you two had a thing going on, but I didn’t believe it until I saw you walking around with her earlier. I’m cool with it and all, but I don’t think you know what you’re getting into with her. There are a hell of a lot consequences when it comes to choosing to be with Emma, and they’re not good ones.”

Killian swallows as his teeth start to grind. What kind of bastard is this man? Who the hell does he think he is to tell Killian that there are consequences to being with Emma? Killian wants to laugh, he really does. He wants to laugh and tell Neal that he has no idea what he’s talking about since Killian is most definitely not with Emma.

Mostly, he wants to knock the man’s front teeth out and break his fucking nose. He used to not be this bad. Killian was rarely a fan, but Neal had his redeeming qualities. They could have been friends in a way.

He doesn’t mourn the lost opportunity there.

“What could you possibly know about choosing Emma?” Killian sneers, stepping into Neal’s space. “Because it seems to me that you didn’t, that you did the opposite of that, and for you to think that you have any right to what she does with her life has got to be the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard.”

“So, you are fucking her then? I was right.”

It’s like he’s just been slapped across the cheek.

“What could possibly make you think that?”

“You wouldn’t be defending her like that if you weren’t.”

He scoffs and closes his eyes, his breathing heavy. “You said there were consequences to choosing Emma, aye? Well, I would still choose her every damn time even though I’m not with her. You, on the other hand, left, and the consequences of that mean I never want to hear about you trying to interfere with her life again. Go spend time with your girlfriend, Cassidy. I’m sure she’d love to know that you’re still hung up the woman you left to be with her.”

“Fuck you.”

Killian bites his tongue and focuses on the feel of the stuffed swan in his hand to keep him from doing something stupid.

“Emma has always deserved better than you. It’s a shame it took you hurting her to see it. Fuck off, Neal. I think it’s time that you moved on.”

“Neal?” Tamara calls from behind them. “Is everything okay?”

Neal blinks, slowly, and then the smile on his face transforms from sinister to charming. “Just catching up with an old friend.”

And then he walks away and goes back to Tamara.

Killian has no idea what just happened. All he knows is that he’s pissed off, still desperately wants to break Neal’s nose, and he doesn’t know how he’s going to act normal around everyone when they’re watching the fireworks.

He just really needs a damn drink.

But he is not paying for an overpriced one when he’s got perfectly good rum at home.

It’s easy to get back to his apartment once he gets out of the crowd. It’s quieter, too, and he can hear voices coming from the rooftop already. The darkness of the night makes it impossible to tell who’s up there, but he’ll find out soon enough. When he walks inside and makes his way upstairs, Skipper is asleep on the couch. He doesn’t bother to do more than lift his head when Killian comes in. Some guard dog.

Killian puts the swan down on the kitchen island, reaches into the cabinets for a bottle of rum, and takes a long sip. He doesn’t need a glass, not yet.

“You planning on sharing that?” Emma asks.

Shit. He didn’t even know she was here yet, but she’s sitting in the dark corner of the living room with her knees pulled to her chest.

“Do you want some?”

“You don’t have my wine, so yeah, yeah I do.”

She stands from the chair and walks over to him, grabbing the bottle out of his hand before taking a long, slow sip. She’s usually not much of a rum drinker, but it does happen on occasion.

“Why aren’t you up on the roof with the others?”

“Didn’t feel like climbing up there yet. You know, it’s really a shame that the fire escape is not on the side of the building that your room is on. Would have saved me once or twice.”

“I’ll have a talk with whoever built this place a few decades ago.”

She huffs and takes another sip before putting the bottle on the counter. “I wasn’t ready to see everyone. I don’t know. I felt like maybe I couldn’t keep it together, and I…well, I felt really damn pathetic.��

“Hey, hey, no, don’t do that. I – ” Killian sighs and reaches forward to put his hand on her shoulder, squeezing. “Do you want to go to my room and talk? I know we don’t have our slushies, but I think it can still work.”

“To talk or to…”

His lips press together. “To talk, love. Come on.”

Killian gently pushes Emma out of the kitchen until she’s walking toward his bedroom. He grabs the swan off the counter as a last-minute thought before following her. She doesn’t turn on the lights, so he doesn’t either. Instead he moves to open the curtains on all of his windows so that moonlight filters through. The fireworks will be starting soon, and he doesn’t want to miss them. He’s got a pretty good feeling they won’t make it up to the roof tonight, but he’s fine with that.

His mattress squeaks as Emma settles down, and it shifts when he joins her, the both of them settling against the headboard and under the comforter. It’s silent for awhile, and while Killian thinks Emma is going to take the lead, he finally realizes that she isn’t.

For once, it might have to be him making the first move.

Out of the corner of his eyes, his scars flash silver in the moonlight, and all of the sudden, Killian has this unbelievable need to share something he hasn’t talked about in years.

Something he’s never wanted to tell Emma before, but now, it’s all he can think about.

“Do you know how I got the scars on my arm, love?”

She twists her head. He’s not looking at her, but he can feel her gaze on his face instead of his arm. “No.”

“I was in an accident.”

“When you were in the Navy?”

Killian clicks his tongue. If only.

If only it had been that. He imagines that might be easier to deal with when it’s all said and done, but that’s not at all what happened.

“It was a car accident, actually.” He swallows and braces himself. If he focuses on simply staring at the painting of a sailboat hanging above his television, he might be able to get through this. “I was with my girlfriend at the time. Her name was Milah. We’d been out to dinner, and I was driving us back to my place. The roads were empty. I swear, I’d never even seen them that empty, and our light turned green so I started driving when an SUV ran a red light and crashed right into us in the intersection. I don’t actually know what happened after that, but the police report said we flipped several times before hitting a tree.”

A soft, small hand brushes against his own, and he spreads his fingers so Emma can twine hers together with his. It’s the most comfort he’s felt in ages, so he doesn’t stop himself when he brings their joined hands to his lips.

“Milah died in that accident, while all that happened to me was my hand getting caught in the door and shards of glass leaving some pretty nasty scars. I don’t even know how I stood up again after Liam told me she was gone. I didn’t think I would survive. I was so young and in love, and I thought she and I had the entire world in front of us.”

Emma squeezes his hand, and really, it’s better that way instead of her trying to say anything.

That’s not why he’s sharing this.

“I was so heartbroken. I’d never felt pain like that before, but then, as I started to make funeral arrangements, I got a call from her husband telling me that I was not welcome. I didn’t know she had a husband, that she had a son either, and it was like I was grieving two different things: the woman I’d lost and the woman I thought I knew.”

“Killian.”

“Don’t,” he whispers, pulling their arms over Emma’s shoulder and tugging her closer. “Don’t say anything. I don’t want pity. I simply felt like you deserved to know this about me and to know why I am so unbelievably fucked up when it comes to relationships. I loved a woman who lied to me for years, and I loved her still even after I knew about it. That anger you feel toward Neal? The one that’s mixed with betrayal and sadness and this underlying love, I have felt it. Sometimes I still do, and you are not pathetic for feeling anything that you’re feeling. I don’t care how many times we have to have this conversation. I will tell you the same thing every damn time.”

“Maybe one day I’ll actually be able to listen to you and believe it.”

“It takes time, and while I’m sure one of our friends is much better equip to understand emotions, I know that I understand you, Emma. I always have, and though you piss me off half the time, I’m never going to judge you for anything.”

She sighs, her shoulders moving with it, and then she leans her head over to his shoulder, strands of her hair tickling his chin, and Killian tugs her closer before brushing his lips against her forehead. There’s a loud whistle outside and then an explosion of light that flickers down over and over again as the fireworks show starts. the view isn’t quite the same from in here, the height of the windows not quite right, but he’s not going to complain. There are things much more important than lights in the sky.

“Do you want to hear something stupid?” Emma suddenly asks.

“I always want to hear something stupid.”

“I’ve never won a stuffed animal before. Hell, I’ve never even had one as a kid.”

Suddenly, he gets why it was such a big deal to Emma that Neal come with her to the festival. He understood, partially, but sometimes he forgets that Emma’s childhood wasn’t ideal. It was hard and painful from the few things he’s been honored to hear from her, and even with how much his sucked, it wasn’t like Emma’s. He at least had a few good experiences before his mum died and before his father became one of the biggest asses in the world.

It’s not a competition in who has had a shittier life, but it does help him keep on understanding her. A few days ago she made some off-hand comment about having a few minor run-ins with the law as a teenager, something about stealing food from convenience stories, and it clicked in his mind why she doesn’t like when Neal works at the pawn shop.

She doesn’t want to fall back into her past, and she doesn’t want to take any risks that are going to lead her there.

Knowing that and knowing that Neal must have known too, makes Killian seriously regret not breaking the man’s nose.

“It’s not stupid, love. If it’s important to you, in any way, it’s important to me.”

Her laugh is lost amongst the sound of the fireworks, but he still hears it. It’s a good sound to be able to hear.

“I always wanted to get to play the games as a kid, but I didn’t have the money. So, I don’t know. It was nice. It was stupid, but it was nice. I’ll have to find a place to put it in my apartment even though I’m not sure where in my apartment it would go.”

“On that chair in your bedroom where you put all the clothes you’re supposed to put up but never do.”

“Shut up. Just accept that I’m thankful for it. Don’t make fun of my laundry habits.”

“Sweetheart, I’ll win you however many stuffed animals your heart desires. No questions asked.”

“Then I expect several next year.”

Killian laughs into her hair as something unfamiliar settles in his stomach. “It’s a deal.”

-/-

-/-

@qualitycoffeethings​ @mrtinski​ @klynn-stormz​ @scarletslippers​ @jonirobinson64​ @snowbellewells​ @therealstartraveller776​ @thejollyroger-writer​ @sherifemma​ @galaxyzxstark​ @galadriel26​ @idristardis​ @karenfrommisthaven​ @teamhook​ @spartanguard​ @searchingwardrobes​ @jamif​ @shireness-says​ @ultimiflos​ @nikkiemms​ @resident-of-storybrooke​ @onepunintendid​ @bluewildcatfanatic​ @superchocovian​ @killianswannn​ @carpedzem​ @captainkillianswanjones​ @mayquita​ @mariakov81​ @jennjenn615​ @onceuponaprincessworld​ @a-faekindagirl​ @scientificapricot​ @xellewoods​ @ultraluckycatnd​ @stahlop​ @kmomof4​ @tiganasummertree​ @singersdd​ @tornadoamy​ @cluttermind​ @lfh1226-linda​ @andiirivera​ @elizabeethan​ @captain-emmajones​ @csalltheway​ @itsfabianadocarmo​

[fizzingwizard]

Episode 30, the alleged halfway mark, at last!

I’m fresh out of jokes so let’s hop right into the review!

Pictured above: Characters who supposedly exist in this series

More under the cut as usual

So last week I listed the things episode 30 needed to do to make me not hate it. They were: 1) Sora had to stay with Taichi and be part of the action, 2) the other characters had to feature here and there to progress their storylines even if the main focus remained on Taichi, and 3) WarGreymon’s appearance needed to be dramatic.

Well... guess who didn’t get Bingo this episode -_____-’

I am... seriously... mind-boggled. This is bizarre. Yes, we all understand that evolutions just aren’t the big deal they were in 99 Adventure, BUT this episode DOES try to convince us that WarGreymon IS a big deal. It just fails at it spectacularly, in my opinion at least. As for the rest: Sora stays with Taichi, but he tells her to take the helpless Digimon to safety and then we don’t see her do anything but stand around waiting for Taichi. Most of the other characters don’t even get a cameo, let alone story progression. Taichi reflects on them briefly at one point but it’s unbelievably stupid. Only Koushirou has anything to do and he is STILL JUST STARING AT HIS COMPUTER.

My expectations for episode 30 weren’t super high, given the current storyline, but I’m honestly slackjawed by how BORING this episode was. They really seem to have decided to rest the entirety of the show on Taichi, and much though I love him, I just don’t think he CAN carry it by himself. Not only has he long been unbelievable as a grade school kid even for shonen anime standards, he doesn’t crack jokes, he doesn’t show personality... all he does is fight. Like, the show isn’t ALWAYS like this - I’ve legit enjoyed it a various times, and I know why - it was always when the team was together and we learned things about them and the fighting was balanced out. So I never know from one week to the next how I’m gonna feel about the new episode. But I do think this is the episode I hate the most to date. :/

We had a promising start with Garudamon still actively fighting several Megadramon at once, simultaneously barbecuing Sora.

Fortunately it’s magic so she’s not dead, nor has she fallen to death.

Taichi and MetalGreymon continue fighting the Allomon on the ground.

The mysterious Lopmon looks on with a judgmental glare, wondering why he isn’t currently being carried like a baby. Walking is hard, he wants to be carried. Taichi do your job

Taichi: cmon lopmon you have to learn to do things on your own

Lopmon: no I want to play video games

Taichi: well then I refuse to buy you any more games. if you want them you’ll have to get a job and earn the money

Lopmon: daaaad! youre ruining my life! uggh!

Koushirou keeps an eye on the misbehaving satellites.

Taichi and Sora debate what to do. It’s difficult to protect the forest Digimon while fighting at the same time, so Taichi tells Sora to bring them to safety while he fends off their enemies on his own. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS PLAN. Since it’s a shonen anime, I normally wouldn’t whine about this but... it was just last episode that we were shown Taich cannot cope with the combined attack of that many enemies at once on his own. He needed Sora’s help. Why he now thinks he can do it is a mystery.

Taichi can maybe handle the Allomon and Megadramon on his own, but last episode Tankmon also appeared, and this time, lo and behold, in comes Parrotmon. Sorry Taichi but you brought this on yourself.

Meanwhile Koushirou communicates with “someone from the Internet” and learns that the satellites are all rerouting to converge on the same location:

The freaking International Space Station!

Which will then surely explode! And cause lots of trouble both in space and on earth!

^Pictured: Koushirou’s “oh shit” face

^Pictured:MetalGreymon’s “oh shit” face

MetalGreymon proved to be weak to the lightning Parrotmon emits. If there’s a reason, they don’t explain, but I like the idea that he’s particularly weak to it because he’s a cyborg and the electricity disrupts his... circuits :P Then Parrotmon gets hit with a beam of dark energy and evolves!

Into Klosmon? Krosmon? IDK, IDC.

^Pictured: Taichi’s “oh shit” face

They get their butts handed to them. Taichi and Agumon fall unconscious. Rather than take the chance to deliver the finishing blow, Klosmon or whatever politely waits for them to wake up.

Taichi’s consciousness is swept into a white empty world...

where he finds the Crest of Courage looking weirdly sentient... or maybe that’s just me...

MetalGreymon just looks possessed

Taichi: Are you alive?

Agumon: Yeah... you okay?

Taichi: Yeah... uhh... well... sort of...

Not being dead = I’m still ok

So here’s where the episode really loses me... After visiting the blank world, Taichi is suddenly able to recall what happened after Devimon ate him.

This makes little sense since he seemed pretty KO’d at the time, but okay, find, he woke up long enough to see WarGreymon and now he’s remembering it, sure why not. But I hate that they did this whole “ohh he doesn’t remember!” thing and then solved it like this. Presto! Now he remembers! It’s maaaagic!

And as ADORABLE as the two of them holding hands like this and resolving to keep fighting is... I just can’t be impressed by a battle with Parrotmon. Or Klosmon or whatever it is now. There’s a reason most shows save dramatic moments and big epiphanies for battles that actually progress the storyline. It makes a much bigger impact. This just feels like someone saying “Woohoo it’s Tuesday!” and then you ask “what’s special about it, is it your birthday or something?” and they say “Nope I just felt like being excited that it’s Tuesday!”

I mean points for optimism and all but it doesn’t make a very good story.

Taichi helps Agumon walk x’D They are planning to keep fighting even like this.

And I get that the “never give up!” attitude is essential to the shonen anime protagonist, but when you literally can’t walk by yourself anymore, it’s important to take care of your health is ALSO an important message this show might consider teaching kids once in a while -.-”

In spite of his unsteady legs, Agumon’s still able to evolve again and powers up to fight Klosmon.

It uh... doesn’t go well.

The one cool thing here is the way Taichi sets about attempting to make MetalGreymon evolve. Although we already knew the children play an important role in evolving their partners, Taichi seems to really understand it now, and focuses deeply. It’s a much more active role than we’ve seen before - it seems like more than the usual “encouraging thoughts and emotional ties” spurring the evolution.

At least he’s still super cute.

So we have already seen the Crests many times, I knew that... but my theory was that, in order to reach the final evolutionary stage, they would need the help of the physical Crests. So that’s what I thought Mimi was doing with those crystals.

But Taichi is indeed about to call WarGreymon. So... I have no idea what use Mimi’s gonna find for those crystals x’D I suppose she’ll make herself and Palmon matching necklaces. Or sell them on the black market.

From her super safe hiding spot, Sora watches in awe, wishing she too were a real character on this show and not just an inconvenience as far as most of the writing staff are concerned

I love WarGreymon’s shield.

BAM. He appears. It’s dramatic. But only just.

WarGreymon defeats Klosmon and explodes the forest... Uhhh, weren’t we supposed to be protecting it?

Taichi and WarGreymon then join Sora and the forest Digimon and uh... that’s the episode.

Oh yeah, we get one more hint that Lopmon is more than just some random idiot. Lol. This episode hinted at Lopmon, reminded us that Hikari’s been abducted, and told us that the International Space Station might explode, and then addressed none of those.

The message on the bottom says that the next episode will be on January 10, meaning there will be no episode next week as per usual due to New Year’s holidays.

Next week’s episode:

Turns out Lopmon is one of the holy Digimon or something. Honestly not a surprise, I mean, it’s Lopmon. Should have occurred to me earlier.

Also we got what I think is our first named mention of Millenniumon and it looks like Hikari might find out somethig about him. So that’s cool. The rest of the episode seems to stick with Taichi and Sora’s group... The only thing I can say hopefully is that, since WarGreymon’s appeared, MetalGarurumon ought to be not too far off. So that should mean we at least get a Yamato-centric episode in the not too distant future.

Okay, a couple weeks ago I said I had some stuff to say but would wait till episode 30 to do it... so stop here if you don’t want to read me ranting :P It mostly amounts to what I complained about in the beginning: This season is just so hyper-focused on the fights and seems to treat the team aspect as an afterthought. Which makes no sense to me. Honestly, I don’t mind the excessive fighting - that’s common in shonen anime and grown up me can’t expect to be interested in the same stuff that interests 8 year old boys.

I don’t even mind the idea of Taichi’s role as main character getting an upgrade - like, in 99, he was the main character, but it was felt a lot less. Better balanced with the others’ roles, I mean. I think it’s totally okay to make Taichi a more central character and the plot focus in the new season - it wouldn’t be my choice, of course, but that doesn’t mean it’s inherently bad. But the way they’re going about it just doesn’t make sense to me. Even Taichi isn’t interesting half the time. He just fights.

Like I said before, this isn’t the way the show always is. There have been some highlights. I truly loved a few episodes, and the show does seem to have fallen into a pattern of being good for a while and then degrading into something like today’s episode. I don’t know why: budget? pandemic? or is this really, legitimately, what the show producers want to show kids? I guess, in the end, this show really may be about selling toys and selling toys only. (But, if that’s the case, I’m even more surprised that they don’t make a bigger deal about all the evolutions...)

A lot of things I liked the most happened in the very beginning - the first three episodes in particular. The characters interacted with each other. Their feelings and actions influenced each other. Fighting happened, a lot, but it wasn’t the only thing happening. I was pretty excited then. I didn’t expect to love this show like I love 99 - that’s just not possible, I’m too old and 99 is too special to me for me to trust my judgment - I was just happy to see the Adventure kids back and entertaining a new generation.

But since then it’s been a roller coaster with few highs and a lot of lows. Although it’s hard to imagine how the pandemic would have changed the storyline, episode 4 was where they paused the show for Japan’s lockdown-but-not-really, and once they picked back up the tone just seemed kind of different from the first three episodes. Not right away - I think the intro episodes for the rest of the team were pretty reminiscent of “Digimon Adventure” - but that makes sense, they had 4 ready to go and probably had made headway on the next few episodes before they closed down the studio. Anyway, that’s just a guess, since it seems like everything’s been affected by the pandemic, but with a few exceptions we have all been back to work more or less normally since June...

The thing is, there are lots of fighting shonen anime - tons of protagonists who never give up and never fall in spite of how hurt they get, and who get unlimited “evolutions” in return for their tenacity. That’s all fine. It’s the genre. But the thing is...! The thing is, those other shows, they all tend to have humor, to care at least marginally about character relationships, and understand that that’s how you build up a main character: just winning fights alone doesn’t cut it. So I just don’t know what to make of this new Adventure show. It’s FINE when the team is together. We get cool character moments and insights and even some joking around. But they KEEP SEPARATING THEM. This time they didn’t even have more than a single episode together before they were all split up again! I wonder if it’s because they’re having trouble getting all the voice actors in due to pandemic-related issues and budget issues etc. If so, HUGE bummer. Of all the years for Digimon Adventure to get a reboot... why did it have to be this miserable excuse for a year...

Le sigh.

But there’s nothing we can do about it. I’m just going to like what I like and hope for the best in the future. I really would love for the new Adventure to be popular with kids and keep that cast going. I don’t expect it to compete with the lids of Kinmetsu no Yaiba or anything. I just hope that, when we hit the final episode, we look back and say that the season was overall worth the reboot. I hate the thought of looking back and saying “well, that sure was dull.” It’s just an insult. 99 Adventure wasn’t the most unique storyline in the world, but it had a lot of uniqueness IN it, and what made it special was its treatment of the team and the child-partner relationships. The reboot doesn’t need to be exactly the same, but it shouldn’t be forgettable.

That’s why us being at the 30 episode mark concerns me. At this point we know how the show is paced and what’s it like. We can’t really argue that we just don’t know enough to make a judgmenet yet. It’s hard to believe things will suddenly change. If they do, assuming the change is for the better, I’ll be thrilled, but I’ll also feel sad that we missed out on so many chances for cool things to happen in the first half.

[captain-sodapop]

so here’s a list of music moments I would have liked to have seen in supernatural:

Elmer Bernstein’s theme to The Hallelujah Trail should have been played during Dean’s just...absolute finest moment, whatever that may have been.  Maybe it was something we never saw, but it definitely would have happened close to the end of the show’s run.  Not only is it the theme to an old cowboy movie (and we all know Dean loves cowboys and westerns) scored by one of Hollywood’s best composers, it’s got such a fun grandeur to it that I think Dean embodies in his best moments.  Just imagine him contemplating whatever impulsive, batshit thing he’s about to do for all of half a second, he stands, puts on his cowboy hat, gets in his trusty steed, and goes off to kill the bad guys like the Last Great American Cowboy he is.

“Milky White Way” is a song off of one of Elvis’s gospel albums, and it’s just so Sam.  It is simple, clean, beautiful faith that dreams of one day going back to Heaven, back to you maker, back to your mother.  Imagine Sam sneaking out on a Sunday morning and walking into a church service while this plays and he seeks out comfort in his faith, in prayer, in such a rockabilly, Nashville way.  (Alternate take would have worked beautifully, as well.)

Mary should have killed some monsters and been seen driving cross-country to The Lemonheads’ cover of “Mrs. Robinson.”  That would have been so badass.  Here’s to you, Mrs. Winchester.

“Tomorrow” from Annie is a Jack song.  It might seem like a weird choice, especially since I’m not a huge fan of the play in general, but hear me out: Jack, awake in the middle of the night, scared of what’s to come, unsure of what’s next, a mess after another nightmare, and he bumps into Cas as he takes his nightly walkabout around the bunker.  Cas does what he can to assure him even though he himself is scared, and they go outside to watch the sunrise, sitting shoulder-to-shoulder.  They’re both uncertain, but they have each other, and as the sun rises and the darkness of the screen silhouettes as if they have a bright spotlight on them, the song reaches its swelling climax before the spotlight goes out and they cut to the credits.

Rowena’s theme song is Bowie’s “Queen Bitch.”  Period, full stop.

Every snippet we get of Cas driving around, there’s something different playing on the radio, not just sermons.  He listens to a lot of hymns and pop music.

In an early seasons episode, season 1 or 2, Sam and Dean are undercover at a college toga party (complete with togas and olive wreaths) and get roped into “Shout” a la Animal House.  One of them is dancing, the other one is getting the kill during the song sequence. 

Macca’s “Dear Boy” plays the first time Sam loses Eileen.  But in a version of the ending where we get to see the two of them reunite after Dean’s death and they decide they want to spend the rest of their lives together, it’s George Harrison’s “What is Life” that plays in a montage of them coming together.  It’s funny, because Sam doesn’t know now what his life would be life without Eileen, just like he never used to know what it would be like without Dean and Cas and Jack.

“Everybody’s Gotta Live” is a very first apocalypse-era song.  Just the two of them, Sam and Dean, absolutely miserable after another thwarted attempt to stop fate in its tracks intercut with Castiel’s search for God.  All of it fruitless.

Why do I want to see Cas and Meg searching for each other in a busy club while “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)” plays?  I just do.  Who even knows why they’re there, but they are.  Quick cuts between the two of them, a confident Meg and slightly nervous Cas, surrounded by smoke and bathed in dark, colorful light until they bump into each other and wordlessly, breathlessly kiss, Meg tearing off his trench coat and suit jacket just to get that much closer to him.

When Cas gets swallowed by the Empty, “Video Killed the Radio Star” plays.  (Video = the Empty, Cas = the Radio Star.  Get it?)  But like, the part starting at about the 2-minute mark where the guitars are just...woah.

Sam and Dean are riding along in Garth’s car on a hunt, late season 7 or sometime in season 8, and Dean reaches for the radio.  Garth, though, smiles and holds up a hand.  “Allow me,” he says, and MF Doom’s “Vinca Rosea” begins to play.  They emerge from the car in slow motion under a bright moon, and the footage speeds up as they hunt down the baddie.  It is the most badass Garth has ever looked and will ever look.

Montage of Standford!Sam set to “Campus” because DUH.

John is flashing back to his Vietnam days in, well, a flashback.  He’s completely sober as he tells Sam and Dean about ‘Nam, about the horrors inflicted by humans and ends the story by telling them “And that’s why I know how to make a bed with sheets so tight I can bounce a quarter off it.”   “Fortunate Son”, of course, plays.  Young Sam and Dean just kinda shrug at each other and say “got it, Dad.  Jungle scary.”  John rolls his eyes.

“Heaven On Their Minds” and season 6 Cas.  Tell me it doesn’t work.

They want Jensen to sing so much?  Dean apparently likes Fiddler On the Roof?  Alright, then he can sing “If I Were A Rich Man” in a weird, daydream-esque sequence in an episode where the case is one that forces a serious exploration of class and the brothers’ status on the fringes of society.  A window into Dean’s own desire to be secure.

Jack finally gets to pick the music on the drive home, and guess what?  He’s picked “The Rainbow Connection.”  It just makes him so happy, and he smiles the whole time.  Four bloodied and beaten men driving along in the Impala, and Cas watches on with fond bewilderment as the other three sing along.  (Sam and Dean really resist at first, but when Sam cracks, Dean is quick to follow.)

Sam and Dean do something spectacularly stupid (think Malcolm in the Middle levels of stupid) to “I Should Be Allowed to Think” because the brilliantly stupid idea is Sam’s, and he likes TMBG.  But also, he’s thinking about the life he gave up - all that potential, wasted.  The worst hope of his generation for sure.  But Dean looks like he’s having a good time and it miraculously all works out, so it’s okay for now.

“Things Have Changed” needs to be in there somewhere, definitely in the later seasons, but I’m not quite sure where.  It just needs to be there.  And “Duquesne Whistle” in some little diner and “Like a Rolling Stone” (like, that whole ALBUM) and UGH DYLAN IS PERFECT FOR THIS SHOW.  All the Bob Dylan!

Come to think of it, all of All Things Must Pass, too.  Just scattered throughout the show.  So much about love and faith and even brotherhood in there.

Two brothers, driving home to Kansas, standing amongst the summer crop after the rain as the sun slowly sets with a couple of beers and “Over the Rainbow.”  Just glad to be home.

[thevampirediariesdiary]

I was pretty out of sorts with Stefan this episode.  he’s been nervously aware of the fact of his being positioned in a love triangle before, of course; he’s been jealous and insecure and resentful, but I’ve never been quite so angry at the way he handled it as I was during “Dangerous Liaisons”.

so, naturally, I did a casual scroll through some old episode recaps, which turned into a not-so-casual scan of a handful of episode transcripts, and what I ended up with was a non-exhaustive collection of conversations demonstrating the development of the Salvatore brothers’ relationship, especially as regards their mutual love of specifically Elena.  the emphasis is strongly on Stefan’s side of the triangle, because if you wanted to read about Damon pining longingly for Elena while she was clinging to Stefan, you could just read *waves hand vaguely and expansively* the entire rest of my blog.

the first real sparks of jealousy begin to appear after Damon and Elena’s trip to Atlanta in “Bloodlines”.  

we get various exchanges in “Unpleasantville” as Damon’s presence in Stefan’s life, near Stefan’s girlfriend grates on Stefan:

S: Putting Elena in harm’s way, that is my concern. D: What are you talking about? S: I’m talking about Atlanta. D: Oh yeah. Elena and I had a blast. S: I get it, you’re just bitter that one of us gets to be with the person they love, and poor Katherine’s just out of reach.   

D: Why should I trust you? S: Because I’m your brother. D: No, that’s not gonna cut it. S: Because I want you gone.

S: It was a lie.  I let him believe he could trust me. E: Why would you be worried about telling me? S: Because he can be persuasive, and you two have…bonded…lately.  E: That doesn’t mean I trust him.  It’s gonna take a lot more than just a road trip and a rescue for me to forget who Damon is and everything he’s done.  

which leads to the infamous-to-me “you and I will have a vampire girlfriend” exchange one episode later in “Children of the Damned”:

D: Course I was gonna do it by myself, because the only one I can count on is me.  You made sure of that years ago, Stefan.  But you [Elena]...you had me fooled.  So what are you gonna do now?  Because if you try to destroy that I’ll rip her heart out. S: You won’t kill her. D: I can do one better.  Give me the book, Stefan, or I’m snapping her neck, and you and I will have a vampire girlfriend. S: Let her go first. D: The book.  S: I’m not gonna give this to you until she’s standing next to me. D: The problem is I no longer trust that you’ll give it back! S: You just did the one thing that ensures that I will.  

then Elena crosses the picket line to help Damon in “Fool Me Once”, Damon again calls her “our girlfriend” in “A Few Good Men”, and subsequently ends up back in the doghouse for killing Isobel and then gloating about it.

so for this whole first era of the show, the tension between these three characters is pretty straightforward.  Stefan doesn’t like Damon hanging around Elena - but that’s (at least ostensibly) because he’s dangerous, because he’s unpredictable, because he puts her in bad situations.  he tries to compel her.  he tries to kill her friends.  he grabs her and threatens to turn her vampiric.  Damon might already love Elena, on some level, at this point - but it’s still not exactly a love triangle, because neither Stefan nor Elena seems to suspect - or, even if they suspect there’s something, they’d never call it love.  there is no way in which Elena’s torn, no way in which she has to make a choice.  her connection with both brothers is an asset.

this starts to change in the second era of the show, after the watershed moment of “Miss Mystic Falls”.  Stefan falls from grace, Damon’s perspective on vampirism and on Stefan’s relationship with it is validated, and Damon and Elena waltz and then shack up together.  when Stefan comes back to himself, it’s to a brave new world, and to Isobel’s bombshell, “because he’s in love with you”, which gives us the first real jealous boyfriend speech in “Isobel”:

S: Well, I know that you and Elena have bonded, and I know that she cares about you. And, uh, I know that you care about her. D: Well, this is going in an interesting direction. S: I’m just concerned about Elena getting hurt. She considers you a friend.  D: Same here, Elena’s a very good friend. Actually, she might qualify as my only friend. Is that a problem? S: So, at the risk of sounding like a jealous boyfriend... D: Oh there’s no risk. You do.  S: History will not be repeating itself where Elena is concerned. 

Stefan lays it down like a proclamation, like an order - as if by telling Damon what he wants he can control the whole picture, because if history were to repeat itself, it would invariably be Damon’s fault.  so much so, in fact, that he doesn’t approach Elena with his worries at all.  Elena has to bring them up herself in “Founders Day”:

S: I try so hard to hate him. I guess it’s just pointless.  E: You care about him. So do it. But I love you Stefan. And I know that you’re worried about that.  S: Nah, I just, I know my brother.  E: But I love you, Stefan.  S: I know the trouble he can cause.  E: I love you, Stefan, you. You have nothing to worry about. 

and that may be true, on Elena’s side, but we find it absolutely isn’t on Damon’s.  he tries to kiss Elena, and now we get a whole new flavor of jealousy from Stefan - one which Stefan is, to his credit, actively trying to fight against.  he knows that he and Damon have to present a unified front against all the forces of evil if they’re ever going to be able to protect Elena. 

S: Katherine’s gonna try to play us against each other, you know that right?  So yes, as much as I would like to kill you, I’m not gonna fight you.  D: I kissed Elena.  S: Because you feel something for her. Because you actually care. And I’m not going to let Katherine come in here and destroy that part of you that after all this time is finally willing to feel something. 

Stefan chooses to allow Damon’s love for his girlfriend in the hopes that it will have positive effects: Elena’s safety, brotherly agreement, Damon’s regained humanity.  this attitude persists through "The Return” into the latter half of the season when the non-Katherine threat is looming, though the choice is perhaps made a little simpler by Damon having screwed things up so spectacularly with Elena.  what does it matter if Damon loves Elena, when Elena hates him?  there is no threat there.  thus, Stefan’s much more casual approach to the subject in “Rose”:

S: We both know you being in this car has absolutely nothing to do with me anyway. D: And the elephant in the room lets out a mighty roar. S: Well, it doesn’t have to be an elephant!  You know, let’s talk about it! D: Nothing to talk about. S: That’s not true, sure there is.  Let’s get it out: are you in this car because you want to help your little brother save the girl he loves, or is it…is it because you love her too? Come on, express yourself!  I happen to like road trip bonding. D: Keep it up, Stefan. I could step out of helping as easily as I stepped in. S: Nope, that's the beauty of it.  You can't.

even when Stefan is trapped with Katherine in “The Sacrifice”, he gracefully hands over Elena’s protection to Damon:

S: Promise me whatever happens you'll protect her. D: Promise.

Katherine’s response to this, of course, is to tell Stefan, “That right there was the biggest mistake you’ve ever made.”  and yet, it’s a choice he keeps making.  Damon is on Elena duty.  there’s that excellent moment in “The Last Dance” wherein Stefan, dancing with Elena, signals to Damon and then twirls Elena into his brother’s arms, and leaves.  he places Elena into Damon’s care, again and again, and he never seems to regret it - until after the dance Damon verbalizes for him what that means:

S: Don’t you understand what you put her through? D: See, that’s why I didn’t tell you.  Because you’d never have been able to do it.  Don’t get me wrong, Stefan, I don’t mind being the bad guy.  I’ll make all the life and death decisions, while you’re busy worrying about collateral damage.  I’ll even let her hate me for it.  But at the end of the day, I’ll be the one to keep her alive.

Damon puts words to their roles: Stefan wrings his hands and keeps his hands clean, so that he can stay in Elena’s good graces, and Damon protects her, whether she likes him for it or not.  Stefan’s role is largely passive, Damon’s is active.  the only thing he’s wrong about is that actually, Elena doesn’t hate him for it.  they’re maybe closer than ever.

for the rest of the season, Stefan resists Damon’s interpretation of their triangular dynamic as hard as he can.  in “Klaus” Stefan tries to pretend control by reminding Damon that he’s the one benevolently granting permission for Damon to protect Elena:

D: You should be thankful [Andi]'s here, it keeps me from going for what I really want. S: You’re right, thank you…for being in love with my girlfriend. D: And there it is. S: There it is.  You know, you can be in love with Elena all you want, if it means that you’ll protect her.  But I have the one thing that you never will. D: Oh yeah?  What’s that? S: Her respect.

the “respect” comment is a bit of a non sequitur - as if Elena’s undeniable fondness for Damon is like the affection you feel for a pet who’s too stupid to listen to you.  it misses the mark - Damon knows, by now, that Elena thinks he’s capable of being the better man.  she holds him to a standard, and that is more respect than anyone has ever shown him.  she respects Damon and she gratefully accepts his protection.  the only thing Damon doesn’t have is her romantic love.

this is briefly easier for Stefan to bear once Damon digs himself into another hole.  Stefan is able to admit to Elena in “The Last Day” that Damon’s horrible actions were motivated by love: Damon’s trying to keep her alive, the only way he knows how, even if he forgot for a moment that vampirism isn’t really life.  Elena is too angry to see this, but Stefan, who’s thought about it before, is a big enough person to tell her.

and then in “The Sun Also Rises”, Stefan tries to switch their roles: he sends Damon to carry Elena away to wring his hands over collateral damage, so Stefan can keep watch over the life and death choices: 

S: I need you to get her out of here. D: What about you? S: I'm not leaving until he's dead.

Damon’s still protecting her, of course, but he also gets to cup her face in his hands and ask how she feels - which would normally be Stefan’s job. 

and then, after this last switch, there’s no place for jealousy anymore.  because Damon is dying: 

S: He told me not to tell you [that he's dying], but I figured if you wanted to talk to him...I wouldn't wait.  ....Go talk to him.  Just tell him that there's still hope.

I do wonder if Stefan knew what he was doing when he left with Klaus - if he thought about Elena at all, and what would happen with her, or if he could only think about his brother’s life.  but at least by the time season three opens, Stefan seems to be trying to set aside any possessiveness of Elena.  while Stefan is still in possession of his humanity, we see something like a repeat of the same brotherly dynamic from when Stefan was trapped in the tomb with Katherine.  when he sees Damon, all he says is to keep Elena away, so she’ll be safe.  he figuratively spins Elena away from him and lets Damon pull her into his arms, and when he walks away he tries very very hard not to look back, he tries not to think about the fact that he left them both behind, together.  note that when we do see Stefan and Elena encounter each other - in the closet in Chicago, in the school on senior prank night - Damon isn’t there.  Stefan doesn’t see the dynamic they’ve developed without him until his humanity is gone.

and Stefan-sans-humanity has a very different reaction than he would under different circumstances.  he walks in on Damon knelt in front of a weeping Elena, promising that he’ll never leave her, and Stefan says “Well, isn’t this cozy...by all means, carry on.”  he notices that Elena’s staring at Damon hitting on Rebekah, and says, “My brother’s got his flirt on, and you’re jealous...It’s alright, be jealous, by all means. I’m sure Damon will be thrilled.”

so we don’t start to see Stefan really react to how much closer Damon and Elena have grown in his absence until his humanity is creeping closer to the surface.  you could argue that’s what he’s referring to in “Our Town” when he says, “I lost you the minute I left town with [Klaus], you just haven’t let yourself admit that yet,” as if he was saying “I lost you to Damon.”  but I think the more interesting interpretation there is that Stefan’s talking about his own actions, “I lost you the minute I left town and started killing.”  so that makes Stefan’s first reaction to Damon and Elena’s season 3 relationship “The Ties That Bind” and Elena’s confession:

E: There's something I need to tell you, and it's not because I feel guilty that it happened, it's because I feel guilty you don't know.  I kissed Damon.

Stefan is laid bare, and we see for the first time how much of his apathy is now a mask he puts on consciously and purposefully.  as much as he’s talked a big game about pushing her away, and despite all the moments of casual intimacy he saw while his switch was flipped, he didn’t see this coming.  either because he didn’t think this new relatively-responsible Damon would actually make a move on his brother’s girl, or because he didn’t think Elena would allow it.  but Elena doesn’t even give him the dubious comfort of saying that Damon kissed her and she just kissed him back.  all she says is she didn’t plan it.  it was a surprise for her, just like it was for Stefan, but it did happen and she doesn’t feel guilty about it.  when Stefan finally responds, all he says is:

S: You're better than him, Elena.  You're better than both of us.

the words go along with what Stefan’s been saying and doing all season long: pushing Elena away, letting her go, so she can be free and happy somewhere without him - but now also without Damon. she’s better than both of them, she should let them both go.  but later that night Damon asks if Elena is okay, and Stefan punches him - kissing Elena was an offense against Stefan, because Elena’s still off-limits for Damon, she’s still Stefan’s.  and so he retaliates.  

Stefan’s feeling of vengeful possessiveness starts to shift into something else in "Bringing Out The Dead”:

S: I love her, Damon. D: So do I.

this is Stefan letting Damon know that Damon’s not going to “take” Elena without a fight.  Damon responds in kind, because he’s not going to cede to Stefan’s prior claim.  they both love her.  neither of them currently “has” her.  may the best man win.

which brings us, at long last, to "Dangerous Liaisons”.  both brothers have declared their love for Elena - but both of them aren’t completely all-in on showing it.  for Damon, “it is right, but not right now”; for Stefan, his humanity is still only partially on, and, we soon discover, when he lets himself care, all he feels is pain.  

the episode begins with this exchange:

D: Can we go back in time where the old Stefan cared if Elena lived or died? S: What for? It's your job now.

this is neither brother at his best, a definite dick move on both of their parts.  but the real meat of their conflict in this episode is here:

S: You know, maybe you should stop being such a controlling dick, Damon. D: Wait, hang on, I’m the problem here? S: You’re a liability, brother. D: I’m trying to keep her alive, Stefan. S: Yeah, well, your emotions are getting in the way of our plan. D: Wh - my emotions?  How is this even happening right now? S: Maybe because you care too damn much.

the crazy thing is, “you may be trying to keep her alive but your emotions are getting in the way of our plan because you care too damn much” is, in essentials, almost exactly the same as “you can be in love with Elena all you want, if it means you’ll protect her.”  Stefan takes the very thing that Damon has always had going for him - “at the end of the day, I’ll be the one to keep her alive” - and turns it into a weakness, a fault.  and it’s not explicitly because Damon will keep Elena safe without consulting her wishes, i.e. feed her vampire blood rather than risk losing her.  it’s not about his not respecting Elena’s freedom enough to let her be protected the way she wants.  it’s not about some harm or injustice to Elena at all.  it’s about the big picture, the big picture that Damon is incapable of seeing because all he sees is Elena.  Damon will never care more about defeating Klaus than he cares about Elena.  and somehow, Stefan twists words around, hints and implies and accuses, and makes that look like a bad thing, and Elena buys it, and then Damon does too.

but there’s something just absolutely nonsensical and a little insidious about that framing of things.  if Damon didn’t care more about Elena than the big picture battle between the good guys and the bad guys, then he might as well have let her hand herself over to Klaus in “The Sacrifice”.  but he didn’t - he stepped in, and saved her against her own wishes, risking himself in the process.  and he was right to do so - his actions weren’t motivated by nebulous “emotions”, code for “selfishness”, but love, real love, which looks out for the true good of the beloved.  the fact that Damon’s love for Elena is a preferential love, a love that has always put her first, is exactly what makes it a romantic love.  he doesn’t care too much, he’s not crazy impulsive, being driven by blind feelings.  he’s doing what love does: prefer the good of the other.  and Stefan understood that, before - he was the one who told Elena, in “The Last Day”, “he did it because he loves you”.  but now that Damon hasn’t done anything truly heinous in a while, now that he’s holding himself together so well that he’s starting to be a romantic threat, Stefan suddenly isn’t so gracious with him anymore.

so yeah, I think Stefan's not playing fair.  rather than facing Damon honorably on the field of love-triangle-battle, his strengths and love against Damon’s strengths and love, he tries to paint Damon’s strength as a weakness so that maybe Damon will forsake it.  if Damon doesn’t have “I’ll be the one to keep her alive”, if he has to be ashamed of that, what does he have?  it’s underhanded and manipulative, and I do not like it.

[finmoryo]

Narrative for my Awful English Class

Constructive criticism is appreciated!

When I was in eighth grade, I swore I’d never join marching band. As I look back now, I realize how wrong I was. In middle school, I wasn’t committed to much. Band was always the side class that got me out of Inquiries and Ideas and Design Squad, two classes that bored me out of my mind. Sometimes we played fun music for concerts, like Pirates of the Caribbean, but I didn’t really care. Against all odds, I joined marching band. 

At first, I hated it. Practices were long, hot, and painful and I couldn’t play the clarinet nearly as well as the older kids. The first football game was when I realized that maybe I shouldn’t have been so quick to judge. Well, the second football game, as the first one was cancelled because of stormy weather. I’d never felt more relieved in my life as we heard the boom of thunder while marching down the sidewalk. We were led right back into the band room, and not long after, sent home. The second football game, I wasn’t so lucky. 

The band was eating in the cafeteria before the game and my nerves were running high. Although I sat with people I’d gotten to know well in the past months of band camp and after school practices, they could not comfort me. At that moment, I was alone with my feelings of anxiety. I was sure everything that could go wrong would go wrong.

After getting into uniform and struggling to put my hair into a bun, I went to Main Street with the rest of the band and formed a block - a large formation of the members in a square, four steps away from each other. We played a few things to warm up, though mostly concert f. We grabbed our hats and instruments and walked out the doors and towards the field, where we’d be performing our pregame in less than an hour.

Each step seemed to pass quicker than the last. We got closer and closer to the stadium, my heart beating faster than I thought it possibly could. I was going to hate this. Eighth grade had already proven that. Eighth grade night at marching band, I couldn’t play any pep tunes and everything was so foreign. Although I was more prepared this time, I was sure I’d fail the same way.

We placed our stuff down in the stands at the end of the field and stood there for about ten minutes, waiting for the stands to fill up and time to pass so we could begin the game. We lined up on the sideline, ready to march onto the field. Drumbeats clicked us off one line at a time. I waited in line, counting 1, 2, 3, 4, with the drums as each line stepped off after waiting eight counts. At last, it was my turn. I stood on the yardline, head held up high under the weight of the shako, and arms raised, clarinet extending into the sky. With a firm push, my left foot hit the ground as the drumstick hit the rim of the drum. 

It seemed like forever as I marched down the field to my destination. We’d learned pregame for the first time only that week and I was sure I’d mess up. I stopped in time and turned to face the front sideline. After the announcer made his speech, the senior drum major raised her hands to start. The metronome was turned on and we loudly counted: 5, 6, 5, 6, 7, 8. In unison, the band stepped off with our left feet  and each member made their way to their next position on the field. I kept my eyes glued to the people around me, so I’d know where to go. We stopped after our shape was formed,  24 counts in.

The national anthem was played, albeit badly. I stood there, shaking, as I moved my fingers to the beat, not producing any sound from my instrument. I didn’t have any of it memorized and I’d be too scared to play out even if I did. Things weren’t off to a good start.

The next few dots came and went, with us playing catchy pep tunes like Hang On Sloopy. That was easy. Play a g a few times, then an a and you’re done. Pregame ended with the band playing the fight song and the football team running. Thankfully, I was in the front of the block, where no football player could accidentally run me over.

When pregame was over, we returned to the stands and got ready to play pep tunes. Much to my surprise, I could play a couple. Hang On Sloopy was easy, Crazy Train was manageable in some parts, but Hey Ya and 25 or 6 to 4 needed work. I’d gotten the first hard part over with, but the worst was yet to come. The halftime show was the big event, the first time to show everyone what the band had been working on for the last few months. I was going to fail spectacularly and maybe take a few others down with me.

Pep tunes were played and drum cadences were danced to and the night wore on. Halftime finally arrived. The sky was pitch black, the stars blocked out by the harsh lights of the stadium. The crowd was cheering for their football team, still knowing they wouldn’t win. Normally the noise would be overwhelming. It still was, but my brain had blocked it out. The anxiety had gotten even worse, so bad that each breath was a desperate attempt to cling to the world around me. Colors blurred in front of my eyes and the world was spinning. I thought I was either going to pass out or die. Nevertheless, I was shepherded over to my spot and lined up. I couldn’t think or speak and my focus was nonexistent, but the show would go on, even without me.

The metronome clicked off and I did as practiced, muscle memory taking over. I stopped at the thirty yard line, next to Catherine, Derek, Ethan, and all the other clarinet players who would guide me through this. We stood at low for a minute while the front ensemble set up. My fingers shook and I clenched my right elbow with such ferocity that I felt it would go numb forever. The drum majors called us to set and then playing position, and the show began.

The feeling came partway through the first of our four movements. In scientific terms, this feeling is adrenaline. To me, it was just pure joy and a sharp sense of focus. The many after-school practice sessions were coming to fruition. I played very little, but did my part to support the rest of the band. Once Upon A December was tough, but new energy had overcome me and I pushed through. It was a feeling of superhuman strength, that I could do anything. I would survive this after all. I’d already made mistakes, that was something that could hardly be avoided, but it wasn’t going to crash and burn.

I snapped my instrument up to set for the final time in the show and stood in my spot at the end of movement two, staring blankly at the drum major in front of the applauding crowd. We were marched off the field and led to our stands. We took off our hats and listened to Mr. Fischer, the band director, compliment and criticize our performance.

“Hats up if you had a good run!” Mr. Fischer yelled before continuing.

My hat, along with many others, shot into the air.

Marching band continued like this for the rest of the season, in football games, practices, and weekend competitions. The adrenaline rush came during every performance and there was always a huge smile plastered on my face afterward. There were good times and bad, but the memories I made will stay with me forever. 

I never imagined marching band would be something I participated in, much less enjoyed. Sometimes you never know if you’ll like something before you try it. Marching wasn’t like I had thought it would be. I had closed myself off, and in doing so, could have missed the best thing that could have ever happened to me in high school.

[peachywise]

nullify

an umbrella academy fanfiction // klaus hargreeves x reader 

- part i: the introduction || part ii ⋆ part iii ⋆ part iv ⋆ part v ⋆ part vi ⋆  more parts to be released 

- synopsis: A child and a ghost whisperer walk into a diner. Sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, but really it’s just the start of an odd, slightly painful night. Turns out they need you and your power to do something, and Klaus seems way to thrilled and fascinated by you and what you can do. (takes place after the events of the first season) 

- notes: lmao how long has it been since i wrote a fic?? too long thanks anyways the reader is they/them pronouns and everything is pretty vague description wise for inclusivity and shit!! also even though this is klaus x reader focused ~romance~ wise i’ll be writing a shit ton with the reader interacting with the other guys like this part is deadass just as focused on number five as it is klaus. let me know if you guys want this as a series??? i won’t write more parts if people aren’t down but i left it open-ended so it could be a series but honestly, it’d be fine as a one-off too so read what you will k love you bye. tw for swearing

link on ao3 

________________________________________

“Isn’t that a health code violation?” 

Looking up from your book you'd been reading for the past half hour, you heaved a heavy-handed sigh. Sitting on the back counter of the dead dinner you worked at was the least of this shitty establishments problems. “I’ll be sure to let the rats in the kitchen know of your concerns,” you replied simply. 

Dog-earring the page of your book, you set it down beside you. Hopping off, you stepped forward towards the counter as the kid who just entered sat down on one of the stools, planting himself with a look of clear repugnance as he eyed his surrounding subtly. Resting your elbows on the counter, you propped your head on your hands and gave a friendly grin, “I’m sure they’d be happy to whip up some Mickey Mouse pancakes, special just for you.” 

His face though perfectly deadpanned couldn’t hide the slight tick of annoyance in his eyes. “Just get me a black coffee,” he muttered. 

“Coffee will stunt your growth.” 

“You’ll be stunted if you keep up this horrible customer service.”

“Ouch,” sarcasm dripped from your tone as you raised your hands up in mock defeat, “the kitten’s got a bit of a bite there, doesn’t he?” 

Quite honestly, your day was now veering on to a particularly delightful route you hadn’t expected when you first woke up this morning. You suddenly believed some sort of divine karma was finally rewarding you with some quality entertainment. He could banter— a bit on the aggressive side, but you would take what you could get out of the interaction. You knew it wasn’t going to last long. 

“Look, are you going to give me the coffee or are you just going to stand around all day uselessly taking in the air that could be breathed in by more deserving people?” 

Oh, so he’s got knobby knees and wit to match. 

Letting a slow amused smile cross your face as you gave a lazy curtsy, you casually made your way over to the fresh pot and grabbed one of the porcelain white mugs, giving him a knowing look as you poured a good ‘ol black cup of joe. Setting the pot back down, you sauntered your way back over still holding the smile. The kid rolled his eyes, reaching out a hand as he impatiently said, “thank you,” in a refined and expertly practiced condescending manner. But you didn’t hand it to him. No, instead you casually leaned back against the back counter and took a long sip of the burning hot liquid. 

Well, the little tyke certainly did not like that. 

In what was an actually flash of blue light before your eyes, the kid vanished from his place on the rickety red vinyl stool and was beside you a moment later, ripping the mug from your hand with such force that caused the liquid to spill over the sides, scorching your hand and splashing it on your already grease stained, 50’s themed uniform. So, he was words and action. You could respect that. 

“What, no screaming? Not even another smartass comment?” He half-heartedly asked, his eyebrow quirked slightly as he studied you. It was like he was waiting for some sort of delayed reaction from his little magic trick. While yes, it was a little jarring to see it in the flesh for the first time, the moment he had walked through those glass doors you expected a bit of a ‘powerful’ confrontation.

You knew he was Number Five. You knew he was a part of that Umbrella Academy. 

“You know who I am,” he stated in his all brilliant glory. Well, look at that. Seemed he was a real Sherlock as well as a tiny space hopper.  

Easily taking the cup of coffee back, wincing slightly as the cold air pressed against the new burn you tried to seem unfazed about, you took a sip and mumbled against the rim of the cup, “I’m a bit surprised you’re here and actually alive, but it’s easy to remember a face that hasn’t aged a day." Setting the mug down on the counter, you pressed a hand to your hip and questioned, “how is that exactly? Did you run from home just to make yourself immortal? Found yourself an Edward Cullen to bite you or something?” 

Now, you’ve had people look at you like you were stupid before, but no one with a talent such as him. Even though he was looking up at you, he still mastered that beady squinty little look that read ‘you’re the joke of the earth’. Precious. 

“I don’t know who Edward Cullen is, but I’m not immortal, and I don’t have time to explain the whole story to you in detail. Let’s just say I got stuck in time.” Doing his little magic flash again, he appeared back on the other side of the counter, continuing to speak as he added, “Is anyone else here? I assume you’d rather show me what you can do without anyone else around.” 

Ah, yes. What you could do. So that was why he was here. Part of you wondered if someday it would happen. That’s why you knew who he was when he first walked in after all. You kept tabs on all of them, at least a bit. Yeah, the whole “Umbrella Academy” was famous for a little while when you were a kid, but most people had since forgotten them and the kids in the academy had grown up and had become almost unrecognizable. Well, apart from Five. And maybe Allison, but hell, she was famous for a while different reason now. 

Like the others, you were born October 1st 1989 to a completely unexpecting mother who got the shock of her god damn life. If you were 9 months pregnant in under a minute flat, you’d probably be pretty shocked too. However, you were just stunned that something as odd as that could actually happen and result in you getting powers.

Unlike the others, when your parents were approached by professor evil monopoly Reginald Hargreeves, your mom rejected anything he offered in favor of her miracle baby. She was certain she was the new Virgin Mary despite absolutely not being a virgin and refused to give up that title up. At least at that moment, she didn’t want to anyway.  

“You managed to figure out where I worked, and I assume at this point you know my name,” you started, “so why don’t you just tell me what I can do and let me know why you're here so I can turn you down and get back to my book.” Gesturing your hands around the extremely empty diner, you breathed, “I’m a very busy person as you can see.” 

Five didn’t say anything, instead just giving you an almost thoughtful look. You didn’t trust it one fucking bit. 

Quicker than you would have expected out him, he reached over and picked up one of the plates on the counter and threw it your way with such force you wondered for a second if the reason he'd been missing for so long was because he’d taken up a passionate love affair with baseball. On instinct, damn the treacherous thing, your body chilled as a static feeling pushed out of you, surrounding you in a soft, nearly invisible blue bubble-- your force field. The plate bounced right off and landed on the floor, shattering lamely and loudly. 

It was legal to kill a kid who had been missing for years, right?

“Can’t you play a game of catch with the poor kid?” Came a new drama-dripped voice in the door, the little bell ringing softly as he spoke. “His father was a sociopath who didn't pay him any mind, he’s very stunted as you can see. So desperate for the affection and attention of strangers.” 

Klaus. He’d been harder to track over the years, but from the feather collared jacket and lack of shirt, you could spot the eccentricity of him miles away. 

Taking on a protective stance, you moved from behind the counter and positioned yourself in front of Five, stage whispering to him, “careful, looks like one of the kitchen rats got out. They’re very diseased.”

Klaus tilted his head to the side, his mouth snapping open and his eyebrows rising up in stunned amusement. Pointing at you, he turned his attention towards Five and stated, “I’m wounded! This seems to be going on spectacularly, don’t you think?”

Shaking your head with a slight grin, you started to speak to ream five out for throwing a freakin’ plate, but your words died off on the tip of your tongue when your gross ass boss pushed open the doors to the kitchen, his loud, gritty greased voice shouted, “what did you break out here?” His spine went rigid a bit when he seemed to finally note the presence of two other people, but his eyes quickly glanced at the shattered plate and his face continued to get splotchy and red. “Is that your kid who broke it? Jesus, that’s coming out of your paycheck.”

Wow, that 50 cent shitty plate? How would you ever survive? 

Hands slipped around your neck in a hug as Klaus propped his chin on top of your head, his attention fully on your boss. “I’m so sorry sir, you know how it is with kids, gotta get all those angst and deep-seated feeling out somehow. Yesterday we found out he’s been pretending the family cat was his girlfriend. Had to take him to the hospital to get those scratches on his little friend checked out, if you know what I mean,” he smiled, moving away from you to pat the clearly seething Five on the head. 

Before the kid could say anything or do something that would get you in more shit, you plastered your own happy little smile on and bent down beside him, wrapping your arms around his shoulder as you continue to address your boss. “He was just upset because he found out I told his teacher about his little bed wetting problem.” Five ripped your arm away with incredible force and stepped away from you both. Sighing dramatically, you rested the side of your face on your palm and slightly shook your head, adding, “It’s so hard, I just don’t know where we went wrong!” 

Klaus snickered behind you, while your boss looked properly petrified and regretful about having walked in on the whole ordeal at all. 

“Just uh-- forget about it. Clean it up okay?” 

Giving him a wink and you stood back up, you flicked your wrist in a lazy salute. “You got it, Boss Man.” He couldn’t turn back around and get back to the back room fast enough. 

Turning the face the two once again, Klaus grinned as he said, “brilliant work,” raising his hand for a knowing high five. You happily obliged. 

“Was that really necessary?” Five ground out from between his teeth, as you shot him back an incredulous look. “Was it necessary to throw a plate at me?” you retorted, fully not expecting him to reply with, “Yes. It was the only way I could make sure you had a force field.” 

Smartass.

Running your hand through your hair tiredly to get it out of your face, you crossed your arms again and didn’t bother to argue anymore. “Just tell me what this is about.” At this point, you were tired and really just wanted to get back to your quiet night. Klaus was also giving you a once over every thirty seconds and you weren’t quite sure what he looked so bloody excited and anxious about. 

“I have a theory, and I’d like to test it out,” Five said. Klaus quickly interjected with, “and I’m one of the test subjects,” wiggling his eyebrows as he did. 

Narrowing your gaze, you questioned “one of?” 

“Well, it requires you, but before I explain, to what extent can you use your powers? Have you done anything more than just deflect things off your field?”

You shook your head, confusion still clouding your words. “That’s all. Some guy tries to knife me? He bounces off. Sometimes I get lucky and he stabs himself in the process. It’s a simple thing. 

“How many times has someone tried to knife you?” Klaus asked with a small snort, but Five cut him off with a great little bomb of information. “I’ve done some calculations on how your power works, and I think that if someone like us was in the field with you it might nullify our powers.”Huh.

“And... math makes you think that?” 

Five rolled his eyes. You got the idea he did that a fair bit. “I want to test out to see if that’s true, so if you will,  please conjure up your field around you and Klaus and we’ll see if it works on him.” 

Flashing your eyes to Klaus who almost seemed to jitter with excitement, your eyes got slightly wide when you asked, “wait, there’s a ghost here? Like right now?” You swiveled your head around like you would actually be able to see it.  

Klaus nodded his head. “Ben, meet Y/N, Y/N meet our brother Ben.” Pressing a hand to his heart, he added, “forever in our hearts and forever by my side. I am his saving grace.” Turning his head abruptly, he quickly said, “shut up,” to the air-- or Ben, rather-- slicing his hand in a silencing sound. 

Raising a hand hesitantly, you gave a flick of your wrist in that direction, squeaking out a small, “Hi Ben.” 

“If you two idiots are done,” Five muttered, but you stopped him as you said, “three idiots. It’s rude to dismiss Ben’s presence. You're his brother, be respectful.” Five ignored you. “The sooner we test this, the sooner we can leave.”  

Oh, now he was speaking your language. 

Shaking out your shoulders, you widened your stance and clapped your hands, saying, “alright, let's go.” Klaus gave some excited little claps as he stepped to your side, telling Five, “field trips are always so much fun!” 

Taking in a deep breath, you let the energy seep out of you until that familiar snap surrounded you, this time entrapping not on you, but Klaus as well. 

The smiling man quickly went silent. 

“So,” you started hesitantly, turning to study his face. “Did it work?” 

Multiple emotions seemed to cross his features, and it revealed to you certain hopelessness and vulnerability that was so unfamiliar to you and what you had known about him. It dawned on you at that moment that you had no idea what this meant. To him. To Five. Christ, nerves started to wrack through your body when you realized they could be having you do this just to try and kill you because they see it as some sort of ridiculous threat. Still, that seemed unlikely. No, they needed it somehow. 

And as Klaus turned towards you, looking at you as if you were some wonderous figure and not just some crappy diner waiter working two jobs just to get by, you realized that whatever they had been searching for, they had found. Whatever Klaus had been searching for, he had found. 

“They’re gone.” 

His voice was just a fraction above a whisper, but it sent a chill across your skin as his intense gaze once again studied you with incredible fascination. But as he took a step forward, his hand oh-so-gently reaching for your hand, your focus went away and the force field fell, all the sounds and senses of the real world hitting you all at once. 

Five was staring at you both with an odd look you didn’t quite know what to think of. 

“Alright."

Clearing your throat, you took a small step back as the fog cleared out of your head, stating back a dull, “huh?” 

“We’ll be at your apartment in the morning. Get ready to meet the others.” 

Wait, what the fuck?

“My apartment? You guys haven’t even explained what you guys want from me!” You blurted, moving your head rapidly as you looked back and forth between the two. 

“I’ll explain everything tomorrow,” was all Five said, as both him and Klaus began moving towards to door, clearly content with what they came here to do. Well, that was nice for them. They could sleep soundly as you sat up in bed all night looking up fucking umbrella academy conspiracy theories to try and convince yourself what happened here was actually real. 

“There’s no way in hell you’re getting those Mickey Mouse pancakes now!” You shot back as he exited the door, huffing as you turned around to go clean up the plate.

Then something smacked hard on the back of your head, landing on the ground with a little rattle. 

“Oopsie.”

Spinning around, gripping the back of your head, you were about to yell obscenities at Klaus who’d just thrown a spoon of all things, but he was already halfway out the door calling behind him, “I thought your little bubble would just appear like a party trick, bye!” 

Idiots. Idiots had just taken over your life. 

[monkey-network]

Good Stuff ~ Seven of the Season: Amphibia

WARNING: Still ain’t new to making countdown lists, but I keep trying. Thank you, take care out there, and enjoy.

Amphibia is quite a fresh series, and I’m not just saying that cuz 2016 Me had frog legs that one time. While I’ve reviewed it before, it puzzles me sometimes as to why I gush and admire this series so much. Maybe it’s the main cast, the great looking environments, the nice stories, the originality of it all, it takes my mind in quite a few directions on good days. So with the season over, I say let’s bring things back to center and look into the TOP 7 BEST Episodes of Amphibia’s debut. Seven, because it’s lucky, babey. Here we go...

7. Family Shrub

I was hoping for a good hangout with Anne and the kids and this episode stood upon the rest spectacularly. Unfortunately it’s far down the list for subjecting me to the most horrifying image in the entire show and that is a fact. But seeing Anne, Sprig, and Polly go through the home’s catacombs and discover something new about themselves, topping off with the most badass moments from Sprig and Polly, was flexing to say the least. It got me intrigued in how Sprig will pursue the arts and sciences, who will Polly be grown up, how will Anne think of herself later down the line after being with the family for so long. I honestly hoping for more episodes like this, without the scaring horror please.

6. Fiddle Me This

Am I re~~ally gonna put an episode on this list solely because of Sprig’s incredible fiddle playing? Yes.............................

5. Civil Wart

Man, there’s just something about cartoon episodes about fandoms that can really strike a chord with ya. Or keystroke, you know, interests. This was a surprising fit for a sibling rivalry episode between Sprig and Polly, with the two sides being completely in line with their built character. You probably could have a field day trying to figure out what inspired all of this. With a lovely ending to top off the great jokes that came within a huge, wonderful joke itself, this just added to the streak of fandom episodes that never cease to be entertaining.

4. Anne Theft Auto

I’ll say Bessie is an underrated character, and getting to know her history along with Anne was a poignant moment that made me more invested in this series as a whole. I love learning is the key to experience and getting out of a jam. The scene where Anne goes to finish that book when the adventure was over especially tied things up so well, following that up with one of the most memorably hilarious moments of the show so far. Even the B plot with Sprig and Mrs. Croaker kept this episode afloat with its amazing punchline. But above all, this made me respect Bessie a lot more, and the couple of callbacks to this episode further solidify this thought with of how much she contributes to the Plantar family.

3. Wally and Anne/Cursed!

(& Monkey’s next line will be “perception is quite a key theme for the series”)

Perception is quite a key theme for the series... *gasp* NANI?! Amphibia shares that surface-level assumption isn’t a good sociable trait to have and these episodes are very complimentary to each other in that aspect. What’s great about these and episodes like these is that, like previously, you’re generally with Anne and/or Sprig to see and appreciate a dimension of Wally and Maddie that you haven’t seen before up ‘til now (that’s why I’ve come to like Pacifica more than Mabel). And as @jennydyn cleverly pointed out, Wally and Maddie have only visible eye each, which makes “more than meets the eye” a lot poignant than a clever pun I just figured out writing this. Again, the message can be on-the-nose, but the wholesomeness of it all is strong.

2. Hop Pop and Lock

I adored this episode. Nobody was in or got into any danger, nothing was really at risk, and the only bit of chaos was that off-beat dancing like woof. While Anne does try to make Hopadiah dance a certain way, she and the siblings had his back regardless. In the end they didn’t so much win the crowd but Hop Pop got Sylvia’s heart, and that was what mattered. It was especially fun to see Syl and Hop Pop get nuts together to then have a nice slow dance with Sprig dishing well on fiddle. What else to say? The episode was fun from start to finish.

Honorable mentions: Night at the Inn, Toad Tax, Plantar’s Last Stand, Taking Charge

1. Best Fronds/Reunion

It is reasonable to call these episodes dusk and dawn? Can’t say night and day cause that would mean they’re utter opposites, nah these episodes both work the tightrope together between giving Anne a realization and a revelation. The crew says ‘Best Fronds’ was the original first episode and I believe them in that it plants the seed in Anne’s mind that her original friendships weren’t what they seemed. Sprig was notably the first to make Anne think differently, about herself and her sense of bonding with others. And after literally and figuratively getting her hands dirty to protect and be with those she’s grown to love, the seed has grown strong to confront somebody that she feels has pushed her one too many times. While it’s reasonable to say she hasn’t fully understood, Anne at least grasped that what Sasha was pulling, regardless of intent, wasn’t gonna cut it anymore. And what makes the finale work, out of everything, is that even when you know Anne has grown up and is willing to fight Sash for the fate of those that have treated her better thus far, you know that Sasha isn’t a full on bad guy. They’ve given her some well needed dimension early on and with her sacrifice, she knows that even when Anne was willing to risk her life for her, willing to bet she doubted that she’d be able to return that favor well enough. So they split. Until another time. In the least, they have those who care about them, for better or for worse.

Not only are these episodes just well constructed and paced in their own right, they build off each other well. Both offering us how Anne’s growth started and gradually risen without making it all feel cut and dry. In addition to culminating quite a bit from previous episodes into a solid climax of sorts. Certainly sandwiched Part 1 to be a wonderful start to this series all together.

As such, it’ll certainly be a wait or so until we return to this world. And really, I’m up to the wait. I enjoyed this series 100% and I recommend wholeheartedly if you’re up for another world adventures. The series has certainly proved itself. All that said, I’m Monkey Makaveli, and that’s all I got.

[ambitionsource]

AMBITION Season 2 ♫ “Trapped” [ 2.06 ]

CREATED BY Esther (rapunzles) & Maggie (quincywillows) || S2 Tag || Official Page

NOWHERE TO HIDE – Forced together for a group assignment, a surprising collection of students find themselves locked in the school as a snowstorm hits Manhattan. Emotions bubble to the surface when there’s nowhere to run. Farkle makes an overdue apology. Lucas finally lets go.

55 Minutes (12.5K words) || CONTENT WARNING: discussions of death, mild suicidal ideation. Take care of yourselves and read with discretion.

[ ← How the Twinks Saved Christmas ] [ S2 Synopsis ] [ Contingency Plan → ]

( Follow along with the music on Spotify here! )

INT. AAA - AUDITORIUM - DAY

Song Cue ♫ ♪ “Revolting Children” as performed by Matilda Original Broadway Cast || Performed by Maya Hart, Riley Matthews, Zay Babineaux, Farkle Minkus, Isadora De La Cruz, and Lucas James Friar

A spotlight beams into the camera, obscuring our vision until a shadowed, angled shot of MAYA HART belting out the opening note of this Broadway tune fills the screen. She carries us through until the rest of the ensemble joins in, each of the other performers spinning to face the front of the stage as the camera pans past them.

ZAY BABINEAUX, in a crop top and rehearsal sweats and looking somewhere between determined and irritated. RILEY MATTHEWS, sporting a new look with her hair cut just above her shoulders and doing her best to keep up with the divas -- mostly just not to add anymore hiccups to an already stressful performance.

FARKLE MINKUS, wearing the world’s frumpiest cardigan and looking worse for wear. His hair is an absolute flyaway mess, his clothes are wrinkled. He does the steps listlessly, going through the motions rather than putting any energy into it. ISADORA DE LA CRUZ, finally keeping up with her performing peers but aggravated from the general bad mojo of the group and hair pulled back out of her face with a dark scrunchie.

Then, yes, LUCAS FRIAR. Snapback on, brow furrowed, looking overwhelmed and confused as he attempts to sing and dance along with his classmates. Sticking out like a sore thumb, but in attendance and participating even though it goes against every fiber of his being.

It’s a wild sight to behold. The six of them don’t give a horrible rendition of the number, but it’s rough and unrehearsed. Everyone aside from Maya and Zay fumbles with the choreography -- or in the case of Lucas, drops the ball entirely. This lack of precision is what prompts the “Come on!” from Zay about 2 minutes in, an outburst of exasperation rather than a rallying cry.

When Isadora “takes out her hockey stick and uses it as a sword,” she grabs a prop and literally takes a swing at Lucas. He ducks just in time, giving her an incredulous scowl and holding out his arms in indignation as the song continues. Maya almost trips over Farkle when he takes too long to get to his next mark, glaring at him and performing more aggressively in compensation.

They’re not the only ones playing bumper cars. Riley and Lucas ram into one another, the latter stabilizing the former before immediately brushing past her and getting as far away as the choreography will allow. Riley is stunned frozen for a few moments, literally having to shake off the daze and frustration.

The whole thing comes to spectacularly disastrous finish, Lucas tripping over his own feet and ramming into Riley. He manages to catch her as they both go sprawling to the ground, causing Isadora to trip as well and accidentally push Farkle. Maya just barely manages to avoid the destruction, scrambling out of reach as Farkle face plants into the stage.

Close on Zay’s frustrated expression, at his wits end.

Zay: You’ve got to be fu -- !

Cue title sequence.

INT. AAA - AUDITORIUM - DAY

We come back on a bloody tissue, pulling back to reveal Farkle dabbing at his lip. He doesn’t seem all that perturbed by the injury. Isadora is in the process of helping patch up Riley from their tumble, Lucas pacing a few steps away and not even bothering to fix his own scrapes.

Zay and Maya are doing most of the talking, arguing about the choreography and whether or not they’ll be able to pull it off. Zay claims that these are incredibly simple steps that any mediocre performer with a shred of coordination could pull off, but as Maya points to the rest of them recovering from their inability to do just that, clearly they need something different.

Maya: Sorry, but I’m not going to fail this assignment just because y’all over there can’t get your shit together.

Lucas: Bold of you to assume we’ll ever get anything right considering this is the absolute worst possible combination of people to be in a group together.

Farkle and Isadora both make faces at that -- he might have a point. Zay tells Lucas to speak for himself, before stating that they’ll obviously just have to stay after school and rehearse more. No one seems thrilled about this, not to mention there might be logistical issues.

Riley: Is the school even going to be open? It’s supposed to start snowing after lunch.

Farkle: And? It’s New York. What’s your point?

Hard to argue with that. The matter is settled, and they’ll be regrouping after school to give it another go. As the group of them begrudgingly head out, Riley tries to catch Lucas and offer some help since he’s definitely the weak link in this chain.

Riley: I can try and help you with the --

Lucas: [ without looking at her ] No.

He brushes past her, Riley taking a deep breath. Keeping her cool, not letting it get to her. It’s a stressful situation, one that none of them want to be in at that moment.

Still, the show must go on…

INT. AAA - HALLWAY - DAY

The bell rings, signaling freedom for the end of the school day. Farkle is alone at his locker, Isadora hanging down the hallway a few feet and observing. She finally works up the nerve to approach, tentatively kicking up a conversation with him. Bonkers, how this project is going, huh? Been a while since they worked together. How was Hannukah?

Farkle stares at her, blinking as she continues to throw polite questions at him. He doesn’t seem interested in having a conversation.

Farkle: [ interrupting her ] Smackle. Isadora.

Isadora: Yeah, yes. Yeah?

Farkle: What are you doing?

Isadora: … just… striking up conversation. Project partner to project partner. It’s a shame you weren’t at Riley’s holiday party there was… lots to discuss. We missed you there.

A lie, and Farkle knows it. He points out that he wasn’t invited, which seems odd to Isadora. But he questions her presence there before she can question his absence, following up with a query of his own.

Farkle: What about that little illegal techie party that happens every year that you think is a big secret but everyone knows about?

Isadora: [ ignoring his sarcasm ] Oh, yeah. Well… didn’t end up panning out this year. Scheduling conflicts, you know?

Farkle, flatly: Tragic.

He closes his locker, curtly thanking her for the pity friendship. She tries to refute this take but Farkle is already walking away, snapping at her not to be late to rehearsal because he just wants to go home and go back to bed.

Farkle: Maybe then I’ll wake up from this nightmare.

INT. AAA - HALLWAY - DAY

Riley is with Maya, the latter opening her locker and glancing at her reflection in the mirror. She’s obsessively touching herself up, fixating on her appearance given that it’s one of the few things she can control.

Maya: This is a living nightmare.

Riley is distracted, finishing typing a text on her phone. She cheerfully confirms that she let her father know they would be late at school for rehearsal.

Maya: I didn’t realize we needed to give him a play-by-play? Does he want to know what I ate for lunch, too?

Riley: … it’s just common courtesy?

Maya rolls her eyes, obviously not in the mood for courtesy. The exchange makes one thing very clear, however, which is that Riley and Maya had very different upbringings. Whether this will make for them being good roommates, well, only time will tell…

As they begin walking to the auditorium, Riley gently suggests that Maya take it easy on Lucas. Like yeah, he’s not good, but he’s also not a performer. She could afford to cool it on how critical she’s being, and then maybe he’d be able to come around.

Maya: I don’t see him ever coming around. You need talent to do that.

Riley: Okay, but I’m just saying --

Maya: I’m not going easy on anyone, least of all Jackass Friar. And you know, Riley, I hate to say it, but it’s a little pathetic that you’re still out here defending him when he’s made it quite clear that he doesn’t care about anybody but himself.

Ouchie, Miss Maya. Riley absorbs the blow, letting Maya walk ahead of her and blinking off the daze of the hit. It’s obvious that Riley doesn’t believe that, but the more people continue to say it to her like she’s being an idiot…

She lets out a huff, jogging to catch up to Maya.

Asher, pre-lapping: So how goes rehearsal?

INT. AAA - HALLWAY - DAY

Lucas is at his locker, stuffing his bag into it unceremoniously. ASHER GARCIA watches with pity for the poor backpack receiving all his aggression, DYLAN ORLANDO standing behind him and leaning over his shoulder.

Lucas: God awful. You’re more than welcome to shoot me on sight, I would consider it a mercy kill.

Dylan claims that he’s totally jealous, because he wants to see Lucas pull off some sick moves. He shoots him a glare, obviously not in the mood to be complimented. Asher encourages him to keep his chin up, reminding him that it’s just another week and by the time they hit Friday it’ll be onto the next thing.

Lucas: And the next week, and the week after that… thanks Asher. That’s exactly what I needed, to remember that my torture in this circle of hell is continuous and cyclical.

Asher: [ rolling his eyes ] You know that’s not what I meant. Look, you’re doing exactly what Burgess told you to do, keeping your head low and falling into line --

Dylan, forlornly: God, this must be killing you.

[ Lucas makes a face at Dylan, accenting the point. Asher plows onward regardless, upholding his optimistic outlook. ]

Asher: And right now, that’s all you can do. But this too shall pass. You know, one day, we’re going to look back on how stressed we were about all of this stuff, and it’s gonna be hilarious because we’ll realize that none of it really mattered. What mattered was that we got through it, and we got through it together.

Even if Lucas isn’t convinced, Dylan is charmed by his boyfriend’s positive outlook. He smiles as he talks, leaning over to kiss him on the cheek when he finishes his thought. Then he follows up on the idea, pointing out that they thought the techie party was dead too and they managed to get through that. And it ended up being great in spite of the darker moments. So Asher is right.

A nice sentiment, but a confusing tidbit for Farkle to overhear as he passes through the hall. It seems like news to him considering what Isadora literally just said about the party being cancelled, but not like it’s any of his business. He keeps walking without comment.

Lucas is placated enough for now, nodding in acquiescence. He closes his locker, turning his focus to them and questioning how their rehearsal group is going.

INT. AAA - HALLWAY - DAY

CHARLIE GARDNER responds to the same question in lieu of Dylan and Asher. They’re by his locker, Zay leaning against the rows and listening attentively as Charlie laments his own group.

Charlie: Exhausting. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Nigel and Yindra are mega talented. And Yogi is… well, he brings a certain special something to the table.

Zay: Sure.

Charlie: But it’s just a lot, working in such a big group and trying to cooperate when there’s no clear leader. Not to mention how weird it is that they mixed up the performers and techies like this -- not that I’m like, a separatist or anything [ Zay snorts ] but it just seems like a complicated aspect to the assignment. And Asher and Dylan keep looking at me, like they’re expecting something out of me, and then when I catch them looking they immediately look in the complete opposite direction which is not subtle and just makes me way more freaked out.

Zay gives him a sympathetic smile, Charlie closing his locker pointedly.

Charlie: Suffice to say, I am grateful that we’re not bothering to rehearse any more today. I would rather do anything else.

Zay: Wish that were me. I’m gonna be stuck here for hours teaching Friar how to dance with two left boots.

Charlie: Yeah, good luck with that. You’re good, but you’re no miracle worker.

Zay scoffs in faux offense, causing Charlie to laugh. This earns an immediate smile from Zay, who then questions what his evening plans are. Charlie shrugs, admitting that he doesn’t have many before clearing his throat and growing a little more bashful.

Charlie: Although… some all-you-can-eat fries at my favorite diner might be a good way to destress…

Zay: [ raising his eyebrows playfully ] Yeah?

Charlie: Well, this guy I know gave me a coupon, so…

It’s a lowkey flirtatious conversation to be having in the middle of the hallway, and the way they’re looking at one another is not subtle. Nice growth, boys. Proud of you.

Zay states that he could probably make that work, given that they can’t possibly hang around and rehearse their pointless number forever. He’ll be sure to text him and let him know when he’s heading out, and he’ll come pick him up.

It’s a date, then. In theory. As the conversation wraps up and they promise to see each other later, Zay leans forward and almost gives Charlie a kiss on the cheek on instinct. It’s so natural between them that he almost doesn’t pull back… until he remembers they’re in public and he suddenly flinches away.

An awkward moment passes between them as they lock eyes, the realization sinking in again that this is what their relationship is. Wonderful in so many important ways, and then… that. Charlie recovers first, managing a smile and patting his shoulder. He reiterates that he’ll see him tonight, accenting the point with a nod.

The message is clear. It’s okay, we’re in love, just… not here. Zay struggles to return the smile, obviously stung by that unexpected reminder.

INT. AAA - AUDITORIUM - DAY

Maya and Riley arrive back in the auditorium first, not talking much given that the former is in queen bitch mode and Riley is still sort of stinging from her earlier commentary. Zay enters next, glued to his phone and not bothering to look up as he drifts over to join them by the portable speaker.

Farkle saunters his way in, glancing in their direction and making fleeting eye contact with Riley. He opts to sit alone, plopping down on one of the acting blocks. Lucas follows soon after, eyeing all of them without comment before heading to the opposite end of the stage and settling on the lip of the stage.

Isadora is the last to straggle through the wings, surveying the scene and contemplating where to go. Maya waves her over before getting lost in the sound system again, but Isadora can’t stop looking at Lucas sitting on his own and isolating himself from the rest of them. So she opts to head in his direction, sitting down next to him instead.

She makes a playful comment about how she’s impressed he actually showed up, and while it was innocent Lucas sort of takes it personally given how off their communication has been as of late and how he’s still bruised from Harper’s takedown of him earlier in the year. So he bites back, defending himself and commenting on the stupid assignment and how he’s just trying not to derail all of them although there’s no place he’d rather be less.

Isadora nods along, but she’s clearly not in the mood for his negativity. She apologizes, stating she should’ve just not said anything. Lucas recognizes she didn’t mean it, starting to say something to try and salvage the exchange when Zay claps his hands loudly.

Up and at em, then. Time to get this trainwreck back on the tracks. Five, six, seven, eight --

Song Cue ♫ ♪ “Revolting Children” as performed by Matilda Original Broadway Cast || Instrumental

If it’s possible, things are even worse than before as the hours pass and they run the routine over and over again. It all starts to run together, the motion blurring and overlapping. The soundtrack almost sounds like it’s skipping, repeating itself as they hypnotically repeat and screw up the choreography again and again.

Zay is clapping along aggressively with the track, counting out the beats and drenched in sweat by the time they’re on their dozenth or so run through. He’s less forgiving than usual after the weird moment with Charlie. But the fact of the matter is, Lucas isn’t going to get this choreography. It’s just not happening.

The point is made as much when he stumbles into Zay during another run, the latter growing aggravated and lightly pushing him away. This develops into a half-serious shoving match between the two of them, Isadora having to jump in between them.

Isadora: HONESTLY. COULD WE NOT?

Riley jogs to pause the music, the group of them instantly erupting into arguments. After a few opening shots are fired Farkle grows fed up, making his complaints for the first time all rehearsal. And boy, does he have a lot to say.

Farkle, bluntly: Here’s the read. [ to Maya ] You’re hogging the spotlight. [ to Lucas ] You’re in the way. [ to Zay ] You're so focused on the dancing, you’re off key. [ to Riley ] You're a pushover, now quite literally. [ to Isa ] And you picked this song, which I’m surmising has something to do with whatever internal baggage you’ve got going on right now, but it’s whiny and abrasive and yet still too difficult for Lucas. [ clapping his hands together ] So we're gonna fail! Buh-bye.

Farkle starts to walk away, but Maya grabs his attention again. Riley reaches out and takes his arm, tugging him back into the circle as he rolls his eyes.

Maya: If the song is too hard for you, we can pick another one that you might be able to manage. Maybe… the alphabet song? Twinkle, twinkle, little star?

Lucas, weary: Can we do a song where we just… stand still?

Farkle: Are you sure that’s what you want, Lucas James Friar? Are you sure you want your voice on display like that with nothing to distract the audience from the inhumane growling coming from your end of the stage?

Isadora: We’re doing “Revolting Children” and that’s the end of that. Last thing we need is to change our entire routine now.

Maya: That’s right. And you wanna know why she picked it, Farkle?

Farkle: Why’s that?

Maya: It reminds us of you.

Isadora: Don’t drag me into this shit, I just want us to work this out so we can get it over with.

As the group of them are bickering, Zay marches back to his duffle and begins packing up his things. Riley notices he’s parted from the group first, calling out for him and causing the rest of them to turn on him as he slings his back over his shoulder.

Maya: And where do you think you’re going?

Zay: Oh, me? I’m getting out of here. This is useless, I hate this... [ gesturing amongst them ] energy, and I have places and people I would much rather be with right now. So peace out, drop outs. I’m gone.

He starts his march out the doors through the house. Lucas gets in on the uptake, eagerly pointing to him and claiming that if he’s leaving, he’s so out too. The girls exchange looks before basically chasing the two of them out of the auditorium, shouting all the reasons why they can’t leave yet. Not when everything is such a mess!

INT. AAA - ATRIUM - NIGHT

Lucas has caught up to Zay, the two of them marching right for the doors while the girls jog after them and tell them to stop. The atrium is dimly lit, none of the natural light filtering in due to how it’s darkened to night outside.

Riley finally gets them to halt when they’re steps from the doors, pleading with them to just give it one more chance. It’s quite a comedically dramatic little scene. She says to think of their performance; Isadora begs them to think of their grades. Maya goes for the most blunt approach.

Maya: Think about not being a pain in the ass to the rest of us!

But Zay has had enough, and Lucas is more than ready to follow his exit. Zay gives them one last salute, backing into the doors and expecting to be able to push out into the night… only the door doesn’t budge. He hesitates, turning and trying again. Nothing. He pushes with all his might, but still it won’t open.

Lucas approaches and asks what he’s waiting for, and Zay defensively claims he’s doing everything he can. As they attempt to figure out what’s wrong with it, Riley saunters her way up to another door and looks through the glass windows to the scenery beyond them.

EXT. AAA - NIGHT

Easing out from Riley’s face in the window, we’re looking out towards New York in a winter wonderland. Snow is still falling, having coated the steps and iced around the doors. It’s sealed them in tight.

For all intents and purposes, the six of them are snowed in.

INT. AAA - ATRIUM - NIGHT

Isadora blankly states the realization just as it seems to hit Riley, the two of them locking eyes. As this bleak reality settles in, some are less receptive to the possibility than others.

Lucas: Oh, hell no. I’m not going to be stuck in here with you all.

A little ironic, given how much time Lucas voluntarily spends in the school overnight -- but understandable given the circumstances. He claims he’s going to push his way out anyway, gearing up to ram at the door with a lot more raw force than Zay…

Farkle: It’ll be your death by frostbite.

The rest of them turn as Farkle finally catches up, slinking casually into the space. He claims Lucas can try all he wants, but even if he manages to get the door open he’ll die of hypothermia walking home alone with nothing but his denim jacket for coverage. Especially in the dead of night. He goes on to plaintively list all the ways this terrain is guaranteed to kill him, the others listening and watching the two of them like a tennis match.

Farkle: But by all means, go ahead and try it. I certainly won’t stop you.

Lucas grits his teeth, glaring at Farkle. He glances back through the windows at escape so close but so out of reach… then definitively steps away from the doors.

Officially stuck. Trapped, if you will. A-wink.

INT. AAA - AUDITORIUM - NIGHT

The six of them are sprawled across the stage, laying on the ground and accepting their fates. It’s quite a fun cinematic shot. Farkle stares up at the lights and the catwalk above them -- they seem to stare back, unmoved. The whole auditorium is strange with a stillness we’ve never experienced before, usually so alive and bustling in the day time.

They’re very much moping, and there doesn’t seem to be anything to be done about it. Their conversation confirms that service is too spotty due to the notoriously bad reception in the auditorium combined with the storm. They can’t exactly call anyone to come help.

Zay: Well. We’re gonna die in here.

Isadora: Can’t think of another place I’d like to die least.

Maya: At least we’ll be missed.

Lucas: Maybe some of you.

Riley frowns, not a fan of the doom and gloom. Getting stuck on being stuck isn’t going to solve anything, and she’s always been a gal of action. She pushes herself to her feet, declaring that they’re going to be fine. They just have to think creatively.

This prompts the rest of them to slowly sit up, Riley leading the charge in brainstorming. First things first, the things they might need most immediately. Food. Hydration. Sustenance.

Farkle tilts his head back and forth, thinking. He half-heartedly suggests the teacher’s lounge, claiming they might be able find some salvageable food in there. Isadora seconds the idea, stating that they definitely have a microwave and refrigerator. There has to be stuff in there to work with -- not stuff that belongs to them, but better than nothing.

Zay: Sure, genius move. Only the teacher’s lounge is 100% locked. How the hell do you suggest we get inside?

A fair point… but perhaps not insurmountable. The group of them think on it… and slowly, all eyes turn to Lucas.

He lifts his head to see them all staring at him. After a moment, he rolls his eyes.

Lucas: Whatever.

INT. AAA - HALLWAY - DAY

Clunk! A canned beverage falls into the output port of a humming vending machine. Farkle reaches down and picks it up, tucking it under his arm.

He and Maya are on drink duty, painstakingly depositing spare change into the machine to procure beverages for their sad dinner party. It’s a… slow business, feeling even slower considering neither of them know what to say to one another. They haven’t spoken since Maya declared their chapter closed over a month ago, although both of them have evidently thought about it.

Maya is handling the money, at least giving her something to do. But Farkle is being unwittingly distracting, tapping his feet and exhaling through his lips. It clearly irritates the already moody Maya, causing her to snap.

Maya: Stop.

[ Farkle pauses. Silence prevails save for the clinking of coins and the operations of the machine… until he inevitably starts fidgeting again. ]

Maya: Could you stop?

[ He raises a hand in surrender, leaning down to pick up the next drink. More silence… but then once again… ]

Maya: How are you so annoying? Jesus…

Farkle doesn’t hold the same level of irritation towards her as she seems to him, and after another long moment of silence and another drink collected, he decides to try and explore the problem. He questions why she still seems so mad at him, given that most people have simmered down to general distaste or indifference at this point. Even more than that, she herself said she was done with him, so why is she still so upset?

Maya: … don’t flatter yourself.

Farkle: I’m just saying, you’re the only one still actively firing shots at me all the time. In spite of your own declaration that the chapter was closed.

Maya: Yeah, and?

Farkle shifts to leaning against the side of the machine, cradling his growing collection of drinks in his arms. He examines Maya as she continues to ignore him. Then, an attempt at vulnerability:

Farkle: I guess I understand it, actually. With everyone else, you know, it was… everyone else. What I did to you… revealing things that you trusted me with…

[ Maya closes her eyes, trying to keep her emotions in check. ]

Farkle, softly: That’s different. We were different --

Maya: God, Farkle, just stop!

Maya snaps, whipping to face him. She’s clearly operating on emotion when she lashes out again, stating that he can’t just do this. He can’t go all pathetic and vulnerable and expect her to feel bad and like him again. It’s not fair for him to play with her feelings like this. It’s not fair for him to have this kind of effect.

Farkle obviously doesn’t know what she’s talking about, operating with no ill intent. And for what it’s worth, it seems as though Maya is far more torn about what she should be feeling towards him than he is. She’s angry, sure, and she’s hurt, but there’s something else there that keeps the chapter from being closed… something that doesn’t want to let go…

Maya: You can’t keep doing this to me. I can’t keep doing this. Because it’s clear you only care about people when they’re operating in your favor --

Farkle: Maya --

Maya: And you know what, Farkle? You’re not God. You don’t control people, and you sure as hell can’t control me.

Maya drops the rest of the change onto the floor, scrambling to get away from him. She can’t be near him right now, when her emotions are so high and threatening to spill over.

Farkle watches her march off, before crouching down and robotically staring to pick up the change. As the angry guitar licks lead us in…

INT. AAA - HALLWAY - DAY

Song Cue ♫ ♪ “Playing God” as performed by Paramore || Performed by Maya Hart

Maya launches into this pop rock vent as she marches through the halls, running her hands through her hair and obviously struggling to deal with her emotions. The number progresses in a very Troy-Bolton-Scream capacity, Maya falling back against lockers and the room feeling as though it’s tilting as she fights to stay on her own two feet.

It’s a change of pace for the usually Broadway / pop classic diva, but in some ways it almost feels more authentic than anything we’ve heard from her yet. It’s raw and erratic, and the shift in genre reflects how conflicted she truly is over whatever her dynamic with Farkle is supposed to be. She keeps saying it’s closed, that she doesn’t want anything to do with him… and yet…

She stomps all through the familiar halls of AAA, until she drifts back towards home base…

INT. AAA - DRESSING ROOM HALL - NIGHT

Maya thrashes her way through the dressing room hall, blasting into the dressing room.

INT. AAA - GIRLS DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT

This is where Maya rounds out the emotional performance, chewing up the scenery of her safe space at AAA as she rails through the last chorus. When she hits the last notes and “points you to the mirror,” she looks at her own reflection. Overcome with emotion, flushed, but maybe not completely absent of blame in how this relationship has fallen apart.

Difficult to stomach, as the look on her face clearly indicates.

INT. AAA - CATWALK - NIGHT

Unprecedented ground for a performer to be trekking, Zay is climbing around in the rafters up on the catwalk as he desperately searches for service. His messages are open with Charlie, where we can see he has tried to send a couple of texts with no luck. He’s attempting to give him a heads up of what’s going on, rather than just standing him up.

His endeavor isn’t going well, despite how he stretches as far as he can and practically begs the universe to have mercy on him. For a moment, it seems as though he might get a bar… maybe just enough time to send this quick text --

Isadora: What are you doing?

Zay jumps, surprised at being addressed. He nearly drops his phone, scrambling back and cradling it against his chest. He glances down over the rail of the catwalk, Isadora peering up at him with a critical eyebrow quirked in his direction.

He manages to cover smoothly, stating that he’s merely attempting to find cell service so he can get them some help. Someone has to try and get them the hell out of here. Isadora points out that even if he could reach someone, no one is going to come to their rescue in this weather.

Zay: You’re just a cock-eyed optimist, aren’t you, Izzy?

Isadora shrugs. He’s welcome to waste his time if he wants to, she doesn’t care enough to argue the point. Once she’s left him alone and drifted off elsewhere, Zay leans against the railing and checks his phone.

Still no dice. He sighs, cursing to himself and heading back to the other end of the catwalk.

INT. AAA - HALLWAY - NIGHT

A quick series of shots show the process of breaking into the lounge -- practiced moves with a paperclip, jimmying the door handle, and a swift ID card through the crack in the door.

INT. AAA - TEACHER’S LOUNGE - NIGHT

The door slowly creaks open, Riley and Lucas poking their heads into the darkened teacher’s lounge. They exchange a brief look, Lucas pushing the door open more and leading the charge inside while Riley flicks on the lights.

The act of scavenging begins, Riley wisely starting with the cabinets and fridge while Lucas takes his time sorting through the rest of the faculty belongings. He digs through the drawers on the cabinets, finding a lighter, an assortment of utensils, and a lot of spare change. He pockets all of it casually, basically a certified kleptomaniac at this point.

Riley opens the fridge and begins sorting through unclaimed items, gathering them onto the counter or into her arms. Lucas approaches to take a look, Riley explaining her thought process about which ones they can swipe as he leans over her shoulder to observe.

It’s the closest they’ve been in months, that fact seeming to strike both of them in the midst of Riley’s reasoning. They glance at one another when the other isn’t looking, each subtle shift in their expressions worth a thousand words.

As Riley trails off and silence settles over them, Lucas hangs in the close proximity for a second longer before swallowing and nodding. He takes some of the frozen food from the counter and focuses on heating it up, crossing the room to the microwave and putting more distance between them again.

Riley takes a deep breath, collecting herself from the tension of the moment. Although it would be easy to go through the motions and continue on as they have been, when she glances over her shoulder to look at him she can’t keep quiet. She can’t pass up the opportunity to speak to him when she has no idea when she might get one again.

Riley: I’m just going to talk for a second, okay?

Lucas doesn’t respond, keeping his back to her. But he doesn’t tell her off either, which is better than an outright rejection. She can’t see his reactions as she speaks, but she works up the courage to say what she needs to say anyway.

Riley: You don’t have to listen, and I know you won’t believe me. But I never… I never meant to hurt you. [ a beat ] It wasn’t about pity for me.

Although she can’t see it, Lucas is in fact listening. He’s listening, and her words do hit him in a way he wasn’t expecting. Whether or not he believes it, just hearing her say it sands down some of his defensive sharp edges.

Riley starts to ramble, explaining that the whole video was projecting from Farkle’s perspective. She definitely didn’t sign off on anything he said, but that’s not what she cares about really anyway. She just really wanted him to know that when she chose to hang out with him, it was her choice. Just as she’s stammering over why she chose to do just that, Lucas interrupts her.

Lucas, timidly: We weren’t bad, were we?

Riley stops cold, honestly not even sure he actually spoke. He’s still not looking at her, so it’s a bit difficult to tell for certain. He clears his throat, searching for the words. His hands are shaking on the countertop, his voice delicate with uncertainty.

Lucas: I know we weren’t… [ shaking his head ] it wasn’t perfect, but…

She knows what he means. Riley can’t help but smile, but there’s an ache to it, too. Everything about it aches.

Riley, softly: We were good.

The sentiment hangs in the air between them. Comforting, even if everything else remains uncertain. Lucas lets it sink in, nodding and swallowing hard. Clearly grappling with a lot of emotion, even if Riley can’t see it.

Then he clears his throat again, grabbing the finished food and giving Riley rushed instructions on how they should handle the rest. He makes his escape, brushing past her and disappearing out into the hallway without another word.

Riley watches him go, inhaling another shaky breath. She makes her way over to the microwave, trying to follow through on his directions and shake off the tension that consumed the room.

But she can’t escape it. She drops the food container back on the counter, closing her eyes and composing herself again. When she looks over her shoulder at where he left, her eyes are shining with unspoken emotion.

Song Cue ♫ ♪ “Close To You” as performed by Rihanna || Performed by Riley Matthews

Riley’s rendition of this soft, gentle song is hauntingly beautiful, and the lyrics truly do say it all. It’s obviously growing increasingly more difficult to straddle this line that’s been drawn between them, even though she knows he’s more than capable of being fine without her.

She wanders over to the door to the teacher’s lounge, almost leaving but then leaning back against it instead. Panning just a little bit through the wall, we see that Lucas hasn’t gone all that far -- he’s just outside the doors, trying to catch his breath and mirroring her emotion. Just a wall separating them, as there seems to be emotionally as well.

INT. AAA - HALLWAY - NIGHT

As the song progresses, Riley meanders her way through the halls with all the space and freedom to take her time given that there’s no one else around. As we make our way back to the auditorium…

INT. AAA - AUDITORIUM - NIGHT

Similar visuals of Riley and Lucas pepper the remainder of the sequence, instances where they’re just out of reach of one another -- separated by curtains, on opposite sides of a set piece, etc.

As the piano carries through to the end, Riley mindlessly wanders her way through the house seats… until she finds herself standing outside the technician’s booth door. Because of course that’s where she’d end up.

Riley slides down in front of it, sitting outside the door and tilting her head back against the wood. Locked out, in more ways than one.

She closes her eyes as the gentle notes on the piano take us home…

INT. AAA - AUDITORIUM - NIGHT

Supper time! The six are assembled on the floor behind the center section, cramped there with the back section to the booth looming behind them. It’s not the most comfortable set-up, Farkle opting to slouch in one of the auditorium seats in the back center section instead of the ground.

Isadora looks at her microwave meal with distaste, but opts to complain about something else. Namely, the fact that they’re cramped there to eat when they could easily eat on the stage and spread out a little bit. Riley coughs at Zay and Maya, but the latter defends their stance.

Maya: Sorry, but the stage is not meant to be eaten on like a common kitchen table.

Lucas, deadpan: Not meant to be defiled either, but y’all do that every week when you basically pee on it to claim your territory.

This earns a reaction or two, Riley choking on her food and covering her mouth -- and potentially a giggle. Isadora chuckles, chewing her food with a smirk. Zay rolls his eyes, Maya even more disgusted.

Maya: Oh, please.

Lucas: No, really. Now that Farkle has stopped giving a shit for attention, you’re the new one stomping all over people in your psychopathic climb to the top.

Maya, sarcastically: Whew, ouchie! That really hurt! I’ll remember that twenty years from now when I’m touring Madison Square Garden and you’re in prison.

This devolves into another argument, this time zeroing in on everyone’s attitudes. There’s a jab from Zay about Farkle’s pathetic woe-is-me routine, and Lucas ends up slighting Isadora when he responds to another criticism by highlighting her near split personality at this point considering she’s torn between two different realities.

Riley steps in to try and defend Isadora, and even give Lucas back some credit, but that only sets her up to be the next target. Maya hits her with “and there she goes again,” and even Zay incidentally jumps on the bandwagon when he agrees it’s pretty stupid to try and defend Lucas…

In front of Lucas. He glances at Riley, who looks like she wants to die of embarrassment.

All of this leads up to Maya finally taking a direct shot at Lucas, saying what apparently everyone has been thinking -- that he very clearly doesn’t care about anything or anyone but himself. This seems to light a fuse, and suddenly Lucas unexpectedly snaps.

Lucas: I don’t care? [ viciously ] I wish I didn’t care!

Song Cue ♫ ♪ “Untitled Free Verse” || Performed by Lucas James Friar

Less of a song and more of an experience, all of the oxygen seems to get sucked out of the room as Lucas finally, finally cracks. The rest of them freeze as focus directs solely to Lucas, who launches into a frenzied, unfiltered rant. It’s reminiscent of Alexander Hamilton’s free verse in “The World Was Wide Enough,” moments before the bullet hits him that ends his life.

For Lucas, it’s not going to be a bullet wound that takes him out but the sheer weight of everything he’s feeling. It’s practically slam poetry as he attempts to sort through all these emotions that he can’t grapple with, coming out as a blistering display of blunt vulnerability.

Because it’s not just Farkle’s stupid rant video, it’s not the senseless drama of AAA. It’s everything. It’s the booth being taken from him, it’s the fact that he has to rely on the booth in the first place. It’s his parents being shit parents, it’s him being a shit son. It’s Dylan and Asher and how they love him, even though he kind of wishes they would hate him instead so he could leave them alone. It’s being an inevitable disappointment to Jack, it’s the detestable desire for Riley. It’s Isadora and her talent taking her over; it’s having no fucking talent at all.

It’s all of that that is spilling out of him like an open wound, stammered and out of breath and glossy-eyed. All these things he wishes he didn’t, tries desperately not to care about, but yet still does. He cares, he cares too much, and it’s gonna suffocate him. It’s all he can do not to burn everything down with him, so it’s easier to pretend none of it matters. Because he doesn’t matter -- God knows he doesn’t matter -- so why should anything else? It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter --

Just as the scene becomes so claustrophobic and feels like it’s going to implode -- there’s a click and suddenly it flattens out again. Lucas isn’t standing in the center of the circle but is back where he was sitting earlier, having not made any moves at all. His expression is blank, Maya snapping him out of it when she grabs his attention.

Maya: Well? Aren’t you going to say anything, Jackass?

Whatever we all just heard, they certainly didn’t. It was all in his imagination, still threatening to suffocate him. But despite everything he obviously needs to say, Lucas merely grits his teeth and forces a sardonic smile.

Lucas: Nothing that matters.

Despite what remains unsaid, that pressure is leaking off of him like lighter fluid. Riley can’t take the tension, searching for a change of subject and perhaps a way to get away from them for a bit considering how Zay and Maya effectively embarrassed her. She declares that they need to shift gears and focus on something else. Something fun to lighten the mood.

Isadora, flatly: Oh, this isn’t fun for you? I’m having the time of my life.

Sarcasm aside, Zay agrees with an encouraging nod. Doing something a little less stressful might keep them all from killing each other before morning.

Farkle: We were just eating…

Riley gets to her feet and paces, lighting up with an idea. Considering her uncle is basically the ambassador of non-stressful activities at this school, perhaps he’ll have something in his office that will offer a little reprieve. She jogs to her backpack, unzipping the front pocket and retrieving a spare key to his office.

Isadora: You’ve had that the entire time?

Riley tilts her head, handing the key to Isadora and placing it definitively in her palm. She assigns the task to her and Farkle, sending them on their way to go searching while they all scour in here.

They disband, off on another mission. At least it’s something to do. Farkle and Isadora exchange a look, wearing somewhat matching expressions of resignation.

INT. AAA - COSTUME LOFT - NIGHT

Zay is back to searching for a signal, up in the costume loft for some height as he wanders the space. He carefully climbs onto one of the costume racks, actually managing to get a couple of bars. He reacts in excitement, going to Charlie’s contact and hitting call.

INT. GARDNER HOME - CHARLIE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Charlie is doing homework on his bed, seemingly not in that great of a mood. Considering he thinks he just got stood up by his boyfriend, the gloom makes sense.

He jumps when his phone rings, crawling forward to grab it from the end of the bed. He obviously seems relieved to see it’s Zay, but he pulls back on the emotion and tries to exude something more aloof as he answers the call.

Charlie: You know, being late isn’t a heavenly sin, but not showing up at all…

INT. AAA - COSTUME LOFT - NIGHT

The ensuing conversation is split between the two locations, Zay exhaling in relief and attempting to maintain his balance and keep the signal. He starts to explain what happened and assuage Charlie’s concerns and indignation, but the connection isn’t great and he keeps breaking up. Charlie tries to tell him as much, growing more confused than frustrated, but Zay isn’t even really getting his replies.

Then, the real kicker -- Zay’s phone dies midcall. When he checks to confirm this grim reality, he loses his balance and falls off the rack, collapsing into a pile of costumes. Charlie says his name a couple of times in concern, pulling back from his phone to confirm that he did actually hang up out of nowhere. What the hell?

So close, only to be thwarted. Zay growls in frustration and then grabs a costume piece, using it to stifle his scream of frustration. Then he sits up, taking a deep breath and pulling himself back together as he heads back down the step ladder.

INT. AAA - AUDITORIUM - NIGHT

Maya is glued to her own phone, mindlessly flipping back and forth on the home screens since there’s nothing else to do. Riley marches over to where she’s seated in the back section and demands her attention. She musters up her nerve before stating that she doesn’t care for the way Maya has been constantly dismissing her. Regardless of her intentions by doing it, Riley is more than capable of making her own choices and doesn’t need her approval.

Maya claims she’s just looking out for her. She simply isn’t impressed by her decision to stand by Lucas for any reason -- the man himself currently in the background, climbing around on the leftover set pieces from Into the Woods and looking for a place to perch and be left alone. But as Riley points out, that’s none of Maya’s business. Whether or not it’s stupid, the choice belongs to Riley and all Maya needs to do is respect it.

Riley: If you and I are going to share a living space, we are going to have to start respecting one another as more than just performers.

Definite food for thought. Maya absorbs this, the challenge lingering between them when Zay approaches to disrupt the confrontation. He asks if either of them has a charger he can borrow.

Riley nods and digs through her bag to grab hers. Maya questions why Zay has been so desperate to find a signal all evening, seeing as the rest of them have given up. Who could he possibly be trying to reach so badly? He once again claims he’s just trying to get help, but she retorts that it’s far too late for that and they’re stuck until morning at this point no matter what.

Maya then starts brainstorming out loud, puzzling over who else Zayby could possibly be trying to contact. Someone… special, perhaps? This excites Riley as she returns with the charger, immediately jumping on the notion with delight. Romance, now there’s something to lighten the mood!

Riley: I can’t believe it. I can’t believe you could have a significant other and not tell me about them.

Zay: [ with an incredulous scoff ] Who said I did?

Despite his lack of confirmation, Riley and Maya latch onto this theory and start eagerly trying to guess who it could possibly be. Not Yindra, Maya would have definitely heard about that. Nigel? No, he’s too deep in his serious artiste phase right now… Zay keeps shooting them down but they’re practically giddy with interest. Come on, Zay, tell us! Tell!

Obviously, Zay isn’t going to say a word about Charlie. But he can tell they aren’t letting up any time soon, so he’s got to give them something. Defending his boyfriend’s privacy and non-present honor, he decides to give them something to tide them over -- which is to say, absolutely nothing real at all.

Song Cue ♫ ♪ “Particular Taste” as performed by Shawn Mendes || Performed by Zay Babineaux

Zay launches into this boppy pop tune, basically building a fake significant other for Maya and Riley to daydream about as a distraction. The three of them get into the groove of it, dancing around the auditorium while Zay sings about the eccentricities of his mystery lover.

When they make their way onto the stage around the second verse, he makes a point of poking at Lucas sitting up in one of the leftover trees a la Troy Bolton in High School Musical. He swats irritably at him, Zay grinning and ducking around to the other side of the set.

Although most of the details in the lyrics are made up, not all of it is entirely fictional. Zay’s expression is what acts as a giveaway, becoming more thoughtful or smitten on phrases that could most certainly apply to Charlie. It’s glimmers of truth hidden within the facade, ones that Maya and Riley don’t notice as they jam on the stage with him.

The best example of a lapse in the charade comes at the bridge. Zay seems more than a little lost in a memory as he soulfully sings about fingers in hair and knowing exactly what you want, before snapping himself out of it and launching into the last verse.

It’s the most energized fun they’ll have while trapped against their will, so might as well enjoy it. Riley, Zay, and Maya descend into laughter as they wrap the number, Zay taking a bow and waving them off with a “thank you, thank you.”

INT. AAA - ERIC’S OFFICE - NIGHT

The door creaks open, Isadora stepping inside before opening it wider for Farkle to enter. She turns on the lights and gets to searching, but Farkle hangs back in the doorway. He seems tentative to enter, reluctant to cross the threshold.

Isadora starts digging through shelves, looking for where Eric might hide fun activities.

Isadora: Feels weird, being in here without him.

Farkle: Feels weird being in here regardless.

Isadora tosses him a look, message clear from her expression. Okay, edgelord.

Isadora: Are you gonna help, or are you just going to stand there?

That seems to startle him out of his fugue. He steps inside, cracking the door closed behind him and settling into searching as well.

As they start gathering things to take -- not many offerings, unfortunately -- Isadora contemplates another topic of conversation. It doesn’t have the smoothest of starts, considering both of them are terrible at communication.

Isadora: I’m not trying to pity converse with you --

Farkle: Oh, sure. Totally. The queen of the techies wants to befriend the freefalling Icarus of the performers, someone she so strongly dislikes she once referred to him as “the spoiled produce of people.” Or, alternatively, described interacting with him like “stepping on a LEGO brick without shoes.”

Isadora: … well, you deserved those things. At the time. [ off his eye roll ] But, well, things change.

Farkle, blankly: Sure do.

Isadora eyes him curiously. Something about his plain response is so… off. So unlike Farkle X. Minkus, the Icarus of the performers. She settles on the floor across from him, slouching back against the desk.

Isadora: Honestly, I’m not even sure “queen of the techies” is an applicable title for me anymore. So I guess we’ve both fallen from grace.

Somehow, in spite of the conversation being painfully awkward, it hits on everything that is up in the air in their lives. Isadora’s struggle to join a new side of the school, Farkle’s increasing isolation, his odd behavior as of late…

He asks why she even bothered to try and make the change, wondering what she could possibly gain from joining the performer side of things. Isadora wonders why he would even ask considering performing is like his whole world -- something he’s seemed to have forgotten.

Farkle: I don’t know why you would even bother. Being a performer is hell.

Isadora: Isn’t that like… your entire reason for existing?

Farkle: [ a beat, blankly ] Well, yeah. Sure. But seems like you’d be having a lot more fun sticking with the techies.

When she gets him to elaborate, Farkle reluctantly admits -- without the exact words, of course -- that he’s always been jealous of the techie crew. Sure, they’re annoying and rude and constantly make their lives more difficult (Isadora: The feeling is mutual.), but they’re such a united front. They’re a team, and they tackle things collaboratively rather than having to knock one another down to succeed.

Not only that, they’re friends, which may as well be a miracle at this school. They support one another, they actually know one another, they have parties for God’s sake --

Isadora: Well, like I said, sometimes those things don’t last. We’re not nearly as perfect as we seem.

Farkle: … really? Are you sure?

Isadora asks him what he means, and Farkle innocently explains what he overheard between Lucas, Asher, and Dylan. He doesn’t mean to stir up trouble -- really, this time -- but as far as he could tell, there was definitely a celebration of some kind.

Isadora is obviously shocked to learn this. She curses under her breath, hitting her head back against the desk in lieu of actually dealing with her emotions in front of Farkle. Still, this is a big whammy to absorb, and she doesn’t do a great job of keeping it all sealed away.

Isadora: This fucking sucks! [ with a huff ] It’s like I’m back in freshman year, stuck in this mass of people who don’t know who I am. And I don’t have Lucas there to clear the way for me, because he doesn’t know who I am either. I’m on the outside looking in all over again. Like… fucking isolated.

Farkle: Tell me about it.

Oh. Huh. The two of them exchange a strange look, having a moment they didn’t expect to have. Farkle and Isadora have always considered themselves opposite ends of a spectrum, only suddenly they’re experiencing the same things. Perhaps, potentially, there is more in common between the two of them than they realized. And perhaps, there is a whole other side of their adversary to explore and understand that they have never even contemplated before.

There’s a weird heaviness to the realization, both of them looking away from one another and clearing their throats. Both suddenly very aware that there’s depth to the other person, and maybe they don’t really… hate one another. Not the actual person underneath the facade.

Isadora escapes by shifting her focus, climbing to her feet. She claims she has to go deal with this betrayal, grabbing the cushion off the chair across from Eric’s desk and pummeling it in her hands. She tucks the one from the other chair under her arm, marching towards the door.

Before she exits she pauses, doubling back and locking eyes with Farkle.

Isadora: Maybe Icarus and the Dethroned Queen could afford to hang out sometime. Just. Not when they’re locked in a pressure cooker doing the worst assignment on Earth.

Farkle: … yeah. Maybe.

Isadora: Now if you’ll excuse me. [ lifting the pillow ] I have to go kill my best friend.

Isadora storms out, leaving Farkle alone.

INT. AAA - AUDITORIUM - NIGHT

Maya and Zay are back on the stage again, arguing in low voices about the assignment and whether or not they’ll have to change everything. Lucas saunters past them, hovering uncertainly near the wings and trying to work up the courage to approach Riley.

Finally he does, subconsciously wringing his hands as he does so. She’s standing at the stage manager’s podium, idly flipping through a discarded copy of the Into the Woods libretto.

Lucas: … hey.

Riley lifts her head, staring at him. Not sure why he’s deemed to talk to her, maybe hoping it’s for a good reason, dreading it’s for worse. Mostly, she’s waiting for him to say something, which it seems as though he’s lost the ability to do.

He finds it again eventually. He clears his throat, torn between forcing himself to look at her and averting his eyes to the floor.

Lucas: I just wanted to, um -- what they were saying during dinner. About… [ quickly ] you know you don’t have to do that. You don’t have to keep defending me.

Riley: [ not moved ] I know I don’t have to. I don’t have to do anything.

Riley goes back to looking at the script. Lucas blinks, even more confused than before. He crosses his arms, considering just walking away but not able to let it go.

Lucas: I don’t get it. I don’t get why… why would you waste the effort? Especially when everyone is telling you not to.

Riley: Because I don’t let other people’s opinions form my own? [ a beat ] And because friends don’t need a reason. And just because… just because you decided we weren’t friends anymore because of something someone else said doesn’t mean I did. So.

The sentiment seems mindblowing to Lucas. He can’t wrap his head around it, having only ever understood the relationships in his life to be conditional. While he’s struggling to grasp it, Riley is clearly having an internal debate of her own. She looks up at the wall before turning to him, deciding to say her final piece.

Riley: I feel like I know who you are. I know who I wanted to be my friend and… [ changing direction ] I feel pretty confident that I know who he is. And if that person is who you really are, then it’s not effort to defend you. I will always believe in you.

[ Lucas is speechless. Riley powers through, sincerity shining through her gaze. ]

Riley: That’s not something I have to do, but… I don’t think I could do any differently.

They can’t look away from one another. It’s as if the whole world has frozen around them, and whether or not it’ll keep spinning depends on what Lucas says next. He’s clearly searching for what to say… if there’s anything to say at all…

But, of course, the world is not only the two of them.

Isadora: LUCAS JAMES FRIAR!

Lucas whips around just in time to see the cushion flying at him. He pushes Riley protectively behind him on instinct, covering his face as the pillow hits him in the torso. Isadora is marching across the stage, another cushion ready to fire.

Lucas: What the hell, Dora?

Maya and Zay jog over to Riley, pulling her away from the fray.

Riley: What’s happening?

Maya: Don’t know, but I’m not surprised.

Riley: Should we do something?

Zay: [ already pulling her away ] Go, run, go --

The three of them bolt, leaving Lucas and Isadora to have their great showdown. Lucas provokes her to tell him what the hell she’s going off about, to which she throws the revelation of the techie party.

Lucas, incredulous: That’s what you’re pissed about? Don’t throw shit at me, then, go after Asher and Dylan. You know I don’t do things for myself.

Isadora: And yet, nobody told me! So I guess you all just had a super great time without me, like you always do.

Lucas: Don’t turn this on us. Like you even fucking care, you’ve got a whole new crew to hang out with. That’s what you did, isn’t it?

Isadora: … don’t make this about what it isn’t --

Lucas: You were the one who brought it up. You don’t want to get real?

Isadora: Oh. Oh? You want to get real? Fine. You wanna tell me when you got the money to get those new boots? [ off his guilty expression ] No, seriously, I’d love to know. I know Grace and Kenneth didn’t get them for you --

Lucas, fiercely: Hey, shut up.

Their argument quickly escalates, but the fact of the matter is, they don’t get real. They keep jabbing at one another for the petty, annoying things they’ve done to each other in the last couple of months, rather than actually addressing the tension and distance forming in their relationship. Lucas takes a pointed dig and claims she’s becoming just like Valerie, and this offends Isadora. She fires back that she doesn’t want to abandon anyone, he’s the one who hasn’t been there for her at all this year. Friendship is a two-way street!

It’s more than clear -- something in their dynamic is in serious disrepair. Neither of them can articulate it, but boy, are the emotions from it loud and clear.

Song Cue ♫ ♪ “Defying Gravity” as performed by Wicked Original Broadway Cast || Performed by Isadora De La Cruz (feat. Lucas James Friar)

This argument segues perfectly into the opening fight of the Broadway showstopper, Isadora claiming that she hopes Lucas is happy that he’s ruined his life forever with his behavior. He fires back that he hopes she’s happy too, now that she’s submissive and a suck up and just like the rest of the performers “to feed her own ambition.”

Once the song settles into quiet before the actual number, Lucas tries to appeal to her one last time. He points out that she could still come back to the techies, and things could go back to normal. Things don’t have to change.

Isadora: I know… but I don’t want it. I can’t want it anymore.

This is what truly kicks off the number, Isadora taking the Elphaba role while Lucas jumps in on the Galinda beats -- trying to convince her she’s being delusional, to make her realize what she’s giving up, whereas Isadora instead feels like he wants an unfair compromise from her. She’s spreading her wings and trying to be something that feels closer to who she actually is -- can’t that be a good thing? Can’t he be happy for her?

As the number unfolds, Isadora drifts closer and closer to the lights on center stage, whereas Lucas symbolically stays tied to the shadows of the wings. Even as she gets close to moments of pulling him into the light, he shies away or turns the tables.

At the bridge, as they’re exchanging genuine “I hope you’re happy” sentiments, it’s clear that the two of them are not going to be able to bridge this divide they see built between them. As they sing the last harmony in the performance, they clasp hands, and it’s the most emotive the two of them have ever intentionally been with one another. When they wish each other happiness “in the end,” it’s clear that they really mean it.

Then, as the music swells, Isadora backs towards the lights again… and Lucas lets her go. Their hands slip apart, and Isadora stumbles right into the stage lights to deliver a commanding rendition of the remainder of the song.

The other four take the chorus parts, scattered within the house of the auditorium. In the last escalating chorus, Lucas watches from the shadows of the wings before turning away and disappearing into the shadows. Isadora belts out the final note with gusto, proving exactly why she needs to see this performing thing through to the end.

One just has to wonder, as Lucas walks away, if everything will be worth it in the end.

INT. AAA - PROP LOFT - NIGHT

Quiet has settled over the space as the group attempts to get some sleep. As we pan across the auditorium, we get glimpses of Maya, Zay, Isadora, and Lucas all trying to get as comfortable as possible in their chosen nooks so they can rest. Notably, they’re all a good distance away from one another.

Riley isn’t giving it much effort, knowing she’s not going to get restful sleep. She’s wandering around instead, just climbing her way up into the prop loft.

She doesn’t spend much time up there, but now she’s wondering if maybe she should. It’s neat, cozy, and has a calm air for being somewhat “above it all.” She gently handles props as she passes along the shelves, smiling at the peach-colored paper slips taped all over the place that detail Asher’s intensive procedure for keeping the place organized.

Riley stops at the back wall, sliding down into a seat against it amidst the shelves and tables of props. She tilts her head back, looking at the shelves to her left until her brow crinkles. She leans forward and pulls another piece of paper from the shelf, tucked inside one of the cubbies and only visible from where she’s sitting.

It’s plain white notebook paper, different than all of Asher’s reminders and notes. She unfolds it, finding Dylan’s big, messy scrawl instead.

Hi, Ash!

Remember to unclench your jaw, relax your shoulders, and breeeeathe. Also, you’re the best and I love you!

Love, Dyl

Although the message was not intended for her, Riley finds herself following the directives anyway. She can’t help but smile, relaxing her muscles before folding the note back up neatly and putting it back right where she found it. She isn’t sure whether it’s new, or if it’s been there for ages and Asher keeps it there simply to revisit it when he’s feeling exactly how she’s feeling right now. She could honestly believe either possibility.

It’s a nice reminder, that people can treat one another with warmth and kindness even in the face of so much uncertainty.

Farkle emerges from the step ladder, hesitating at the top. He looks to Riley and waits for permission of some kind to enter.

Farkle: Sorry we couldn’t find anything to do.

Riley: [ with a shrug ] We’re all gonna die in here anyway, so. I can’t pretend a board game would’ve fixed everything.

The actual conversation is as good an invitation as any. Farkle treads cautiously and joins her in the space, settling down into a seat against the shelves and propping his elbows on his knees.

Riley awkwardly fills the silence, lamenting the fact that students could even get stuck in the school. What procedures failed that led to them getting stuck in here anyway? And if they decide to close schools tomorrow, what then? She knows it’s unlikely given that New York hardly closes unless Hell is freezing over, but --

Farkle: I’m sorry you had to pay for it.

Farkle’s statement is abrupt, like it’s spilling out of him. Riley stops talking and looks at him, waiting to see if he’s going to clarify his outburst. He digs his nails into his knees, frowning at the ground as he tries to articulate it.

Farkle, shakily: For the video. The things I said. [ a beat ] I know what I did was stupid. Pure idiocy. And I don’t have an excuse. Even if I did, I hardly think it would matter. But I never meant for it get so out of control. I didn’t think everything would get so… I never thought everyone else would --

He swallows, clearing his throat. Riley waits patiently. Finally, he lifts his gaze to meet hers.

Farkle, timid: I didn’t mean to mess everything up for you. [ voice cracking ] I’m really sorry.

Riley can tell he’s being genuine. His nervous demeanor and glassy eyes make it hard to believe he could be flubbing his way through the apology. After a moment, she extends the only reassurance she thinks she has the power to give.

Riley: I forgive you.

It’s barely a dent in everything that’s gone wrong. It’s far from fixed. But it’s something, and that’s better than nothing. Farkle gives her a weak smile, dipping his head down again.

The two of them settle into the quiet.

INT. AAA - AUDITORIUM - DAY

Much like when they first learned they were trapped, the six are sprawled across the stage again. Backpacks are being used as pillows -- aside from Riley, who has her head on Zay’s torso. Lucas and Isadora are on opposite ends of the space. Their eyes are closed, but it’s evident none of them have gotten any actual rest.

Although there’s still plenty of tension, sleep deprivation and loss of fucks to give leads to Isadora asking some silly sleepover-esque question that causes everyone to shush her or groan. But they get into the discussion anyway, the conversation veering in a couple of comedic random directions before petering out again.

In the silence, Zay grows solemn. He pats Riley’s head affectionately, releasing a sigh.

Zay: Does any of this matter?

Maya: What do you mean?

Zay: Like… everything we’re doing. The things we’re stressing about right now. Assignments, rivalries --

Isadora: Party lines --

Farkle: Big mistakes --

Zay: The secrets… is any of it going to be worth it? In ten years, is any of this going to mean anything?

Riley: Are we even going to remember it?

Zay: Does it even matter?

The group ruminates on the big question, hanging over them like the winter storm. Lucas chimes in first, although he stays turned on his side away from the rest of them. His expression is melancholic, starting to crack his aloof facade due to lack of sleep and time alone.

Lucas: No. It doesn’t matter.

Zay: Big surprise from Mister Truancy.

Lucas: You asked. I’m telling you. We’re going to graduate -- or not -- and go our separate ways. Get jobs we don’t care about, lose touch with people we swore we never would, start relationships and get married because we’re supposed to. Then we’ll die, like everybody else.

Maya: You’re so fucking charming, you know that?

Riley jumps in, aiming to divert the discussion from becoming a scrap between Maya and Lucas. She asks what all of them think about that -- what happens after they die?

Riley: I mean, my parents always said… we were never really religious. But there has to be some sort of purpose to it all, right? If all of that is what we’re destined to do, then there has to be something later. It has to be leading to something.

Isadora: Heaven, you think. But that presumes there’s a God up there to impress.

Maya: [ with a snort ] Okay. Thanks, Charlie Gardner.

Zay: Hey, come on.

Lucas: There is no God.

Maya: Oh, wah, wah, wah --

Lucas: There isn’t. If there was, would he seriously let all this just happen? All this shitty stuff in the world, and he just lets it happen? [ a beat ] Some higher power.

Riley: I guess that depends on whether or not we deserve it.

Isadora: God has nothing to do with what happens. Humans have free will. We make those choices. Whatever happens, that’s on us.

For being surprisingly quiet through a majority of the conversation, Farkle wraps it up. His statement is genuine, catching all of them off-guard.

Farkle: Well, I hope you all would. Get into heaven.

This sinks in slowly, obviously impacting each of them differently. Lucas looks unconvinced. Riley and Zay are thoughtful. Isadora seems to be contemplating Farkle’s odd change of heart.

Maya is the most affected, obviously torn on how to take the sentiment -- wanting to believe it’s sincere, clearly wanting to absorb it, but also wanting to stick to her guns of being done with Farkle Minkus.

Zay breaks the meditative silence, letting out another declarative sigh and stating the obvious.

Zay: Afterlife aside, we can all agree this assignment is fucked, yeah?

Riley laughs, launching into uncontrollable, sleep-deprived giggles. The kind that are contagious, so then Isadora is breaking into chuckles. Hearing them laugh makes Lucas smile in spite of himself -- Zay starts laughing too. Then Maya, even Farkle. All of them are in delirious fits of laughter, but it’s the most any of them have laughed in ages. Least of all together.

For a moment, things feel better.

The prison sentence is interrupted when HARLEY KEINER enters with JACK HUNTER, the two of them coming in to check out how the auditorium is holding up before school officially opens for the morning. Jack is tired and holding his morning coffee, stunned when they walk out of the wings to find the six of them lazing around.

Jack: What on Earth are you all doing in here?

Sunlight! A savior from the outside! Maya is the first to jump to her feet, the rest of them getting up and scrambling up to escape. Jack tries to get them to explain what’s going on, and why it seems as though they’ve been here overnight. But they’re making bee lines for the exit, happy to get the hell away from one another. They breeze past him, Maya even yoinking his coffee with a quick thanks and flip of her hair.

Farkle is the last to leave, just sitting up at center stage while Jack tries to get his bearings on the situation. He blinks, spinning around.

Jack: What the hell happened in here?

Farkle: Don’t worry about it, Principal Hunter.

Farkle slowly gets to his feet, sauntering over to Jack. He gives him an exhausted smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

Farkle, matter-of-factly: Everything is the same as it always is. Nothing is ever going to change.

Farkle heads out the dressing room hall, leaving Jack to ponder what terrible things must have unfolded in that auditorium overnight. He places his hands on his hips, looking around at the vast space. As the robotic, spacey tones of “Agnes” float in…

Song Cue ♫ ♪ “Agnes” as performed by Glass Animals || Performed by Farkle Minkus

Farkle meanders into the detached and dreamy conclusion to the episode, floating through the empty halls and singing at a rather monotone pitch. It’s a groovy track with some subtly dark undertones, the echoing refrain of “You’re gone but you’re on my mind / I’m lost but I don’t know why” feeling particularly heavy. On the lines “this time you overdid the liquor, this time you pulled the fucking trigger,” Farkle glances at his reflection in one of the classroom windows before pithily pretending to shoot himself with a finger gun.

INT. AAA - AUDITORIUM - DAY

Intercut with the performance, Farkle dances loosely at center stage in the dark, nothing but the ghost light illuminating a small circle of the stage. It’s the most free-wheeling Farkle has ever seemed dance wise, but there’s an uneasy quality to it too.

As the number comes to an end, Farkle ceases his dancing. He almost seems like a completely different person -- frumpy cardigan, hair a tangled mess, expression blank and devoid of any of his usual eccentricities as he stares out at the empty auditorium.

Then he walks off stage, only the ghost light breaking the swath of darkness until it flicks out.

END OF EPISODE.

[roominthecastle]

Hi Room, What do you think about the finale? Any theorys about why Katarina did that to Red? And what do you think about the Stranger? Thanks!

To me, the finale in general felt okay, which is strangely comforting bc it wasn’t bad. I’m good with an “okay”. “okay” is an improvement (like I still feel TBL is trying while – to use a concurrent example – GOT gave up on itself and its fans spectacularly). There are individual moments that are more than okay to me (DEMBE, the team work, esp Liz & Red, esp esp Liz taking charge and that tiny moment of synchronized tea drinking) and others are less than (e.g. the conclusion to the conspiracy plot is kinda… ?!), but overall I like how S6 played out and my excitement for (lucky number) 7 is intact. Things are in motion and interesting again, and I finally gave myself permission to do a proper, full-scale re-watch during the summer, maybe attempt to chart the timeline, too, which is sth I never expected to consider doing again. I’m even gonna read the comics. In short, this season pulled me back in the Zone.

the rest is behind a cut due to length – @ mobile app users, apologies as always

Red’s identity, Dom’s story, and Liz’s side of these things

The Stranger: Masha was bound to figure out you aren’t who you say you are. What I can’t figure out is Dom. Why would he tell her all that?Red: In an attempt to help her move on.The Stranger: And she believed him?Red: She did. So much so that she‘s decided it’s safe to bring her daughter home.The Stranger: I know Dom meant well. He shouldn’t have told her that story.

So… having seen this scene, I def have more doubts than before, anon, but I still believe that the gist of the Rassvet story (including Red == Ilya) is true. This is (imo) why Red tells Dom “I know the broad strokes, I know who I am, but I need to hear the details you used to sugarcoat the ugly truth to make it look like a fairytale”, i.e. something that Liz has a tendency to swallow (see changed man!Tim or every paternity test they show her), something she was eager to embrace here, too, despite the obvious holes bc – as she told Ressler – “it is sweet and safe, so I’m gonna overlook things that don’t add up and hope it doesn’t come crashing down on me this time”. But it does. Every time.

Whether we like it or not, this is a consistent trait in Liz, this willingness to settle for a sweet, simple story over the messy, complicated truth even when she has misgivings (see her going at Red in 219, “It wouldn’t kill you to lie just once to make someone feel good.”). She’s not stupid, she’s just scared and unsure, imo (and so is Red but, unfortunately for Liz, being pathologically secretive is still what soothes him). But when there is no sweet story available to make Liz feel good/safe or it’s no longer sustainable, that’s when she grows restless/angry and goes on the offensive until she feels safe again. She did this w/ Tim and then w/ Red, too (she literally locked both of them up to gain control), and both times we can eventually hear her say “I was scared of you but not anymore”, and both times she expresses love for a safe & sweet idea and not the full reality of these men who cannot live up to that idea, so the cycle starts up again (well, not w/ Tim as he is now dead but Red is still in the running.)

It doesn’t really matter if the answer she gets is incomplete or untrue. As long as she can make herself swallow it, as long as it brings a sense of security, she will go for it. Tim played along w/ this and that fantasy bubble collapsed every time. Red never did and never will indulge her w/ sweet delusions but by doing so, he also reduces their “feelgood” time together. He hides behind her father’s identity but for her, he breaks cover repeatedly, which to me further signals that he doesn’t wish to take on the roles associated w/ this identity in her life, which clearly clashes w/ her park bench claim of “this is who you will always be to me”. And given Liz’s track record w/ these self-soothing declarations, I think we will once again see her being contradicted.

Having heard of what’s happened btw her and Red, I think Dom decided to tailor the truth to give them a quick-fix. His story brought a sense of safety/certainty that Liz craves – sth Red refused to offer when he told her he had a secret and he had to keep it and refused to give her any embellished feel-good alternative. But now he is on edge bc some of his secrets have been spilled and it was done in a way that maximizes his discomfort (by making him look like a hero when he considers himself anything but, and, ultimately, by undermining his control over his own “narrative” around Liz). I believe this is part of the reason why he tells Dom that he likely made everything worse by telling her that story.

I hope next season they will be pushed to face more of the actual truth together – in all its ugly, messy glory – about what exactly happened and, more importantly, why. Because we still don’t know much of that. Dom only offered a taste but now Katarina is back to mix some sour to the sweet (I am hungry as I am typing this, can you tell ;)

The Stranger: well, we barely have anything to go on here but what we have is already intriguing, i.e. he grew up w/ Red, he seems to know Dom and Katarina personally, he seems to have some serious tradecraft background + connections, and he is among the v few who is trusted w/ Red’s secrets, so he is inner inner circle for sure (and he’s played by Brett Cullen, so… yes please). I still think the childhood pledge from the Rassvet story is an element of truth (it just fits our Red way too much + I see it reflected in “Cape May”), so I think these 3 (the Stranger, Red, and Kat) were likely childhood friends and they all picked similar career paths (or it was picked for them), so the Stranger is likely Russian, too.

Katarina continues to puzzle me to no end, I freely admit. And I am enjoying it (for now anyway). The finale offered some really interesting details here, imo, and I think Red’s 2nd meeting w/ the Stranger is the most revealing.

Red tasked his mysterious friend to locate Katarina bc Ressler’s dig for his real identity triggered an active search for her, too. The Stranger finds her and hands Red a picture saying, “It’s her. I’m telling you, Raymond. Paper trails. The passports. The travel. It’s her.” What we can immediately conclude here is that they didn’t even know what Kat looks like now since it’s not the picture the Stranger used to identify her but her signature methods/movements (knowledge of this implies a close working relationship in the past at the v least). And since he doesn’t hand Red the pic to ask him to confirm it’s her but to show him what she looks like now, we can also conclude that Red had no idea what she looks like now, either, which means that he hasn’t seen her for almost 3 decades and, apparently, he would have been fine w/ maintaining this arrangement if it hadn’t been for the security risk Ressler’s digging exposed them to.

This conclusion lines up nicely w/ two (imo very important) things established in previous episodes:

Red’s hallucinations at Cape May – he sees Kat the way she looked in 1991/92. His mind couldn’t conjure her present image bc his last memories of her are almost 30 years old. This in turn implies that the Hobson’s choice event took place around this time, as well, and that was the last time he saw her. It was the last time Dom saw her, too, if what he tells Liz in “Rassvet” – that it was 28 years ago – is true.

Katarina being dead – whatever happened to Kat, her own father considers her as good as dead now. So does Red and Dom blames him for this loss, going as far as saying he killed her.

Dom: These boxes are all I have left of my daughter.

Red: If Katarina were standing here instead of me, if it were she asking you, what would you tell her?Dom: It doesn’t matter because she is not here and she’s not asking.Red: But if you could tell her–Dom: I can’t!

Dom (to Liz): If my Katarina was still here, she would have let me know. [… her mother sent a letter hoping it] would find her alive. I picked it up because I knew it never would.”

Liz: You said the name Masha Rostova had been lost to history until the manhunt. Now it’s out there and someone’s looking for me. It’s my mother.Red: Lizzie, your mother is dead.

Her mother was dying, Kat never showed. Her daughter was being hunted and it was televised globally – Kat never showed. And clearly neither Dom nor Red expected her to as they both seem to consider Katarina dead despite being aware that she is still out there somewhere. Moreover, they both believe that Liz is better off thinking her mother is dead than knowing whatever the truth is (so it cannot be too good). Add to this Red’s latest remark to Liz – “your mother can’t hurt you” – and things truly get weird and interesting. Was Kat subjected to some special session w/ Krilov, too, that somehow “extinguished” parts of her, practically rendering her old self “gone”? This would be my current best guess (just a shot in the dark, really) and I know it’s crude sci-fi territory but this is TBL we’re talking about.

Whatever happened to Kat, Red was involved in it, and we have several remarks to back this up:

“All the money, all the time and effort, all the favors in the world cannot possibly equal what you took away from her.” (Red, 216)

“There was a woman and her child. Both were doomed. Both would die. I could either save one or lose both. I chose the child. It was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.” (Red, 319)

“I’m not sure Elizabeth will ever be ready to learn what you did to Katarina.” (Dembe, 422)

“[Katarina] is gone because of choices you made.” (Dom, 320)

In “Cape May”, Red hallucinated forgiveness/absolution from Katarina but we don’t know if this is how she actually felt. It could have been just Red trying to make himself feel better about doing what he felt to be necessary. Katarina in the present doesn’t seem to be in a forgiving mood, tho. She clearly expected to be contacted and she clearly considered Red’s presence a threat.

Red: If Moscow is looking for Katarina, if Agent Ressler’s inquiry has reignited their search…The Stranger: Then I know that could be bad.Red: I want this done before Masha’s daughter comes home.

So… your guess is as good as mine here, anon. All we have for now is a whole lot of vaguing and very little concrete info. I agree, it feels there’s sth more to this but there’s just so little to go on, it could be almost anything. What we can conclude is that the Stranger and Red (and Dom) have stayed away from Katarina for almost 30 years and if it hadn’t been for Moscow’s freshly reignited interest in finding her, this complete lack of contact would have remained. They didn’t even keep direct tabs on her since they had no idea what she looked like or where exactly she was or that she was a threat to Red (otherwise he would have approached her differently, imo).

They clearly do not want Kat to be found – the precise “why” remains to be seen. Red’s first words to her are a warning – “it’s not safe” –, and I think he truly went there to make sure she wouldn’t be scooped up. That was his immediate objective. If she were found, the consequences would reach Liz and Agnes, and heading that threat off is what ultimately motivates Red here (→ “I want this done before Masha’s daughter comes home.”). He didn’t look too enthusiastic to make contact. He didn’t want to, he had to.  And he didn’t tell Liz, which suggests that he wants this separation to remain, which suggests that something is up w/ Katarina that goes beyond the usual “you can’t be in her life bc it’s dangerous” reason. Dom stayed out of Liz’s life, too, for safety reasons yet Red told him to find Liz if anything happened to him. That doesn’t seem to be the case w/ Kat at all. Red himself stayed away from her yet he went to find Dom after Liz “death” and returned several times after that for advice or simply for his company.

The meeting w/ Kat wasn’t a social call and it did not feel like a romantic reunion, either. Red just looked sad and tense to me. And he clearly did not expect to be stabbed, so I don’t think that bit was part of any planned performance. Why he received that treatment is another good question. Kat has clearly come into the possession of some new info that compelled her to go on the offensive. It could be related to their past and that vague remark about what Red did to her OR it is about something more recent that Red wasn’t aware she was aware of?? Right now this moment feels like a convergence of two separate threads: Red came to warn her based on “undisclosed plot point A” and Katarina reacted to him based on “undisclosed plot point B”.

Oh, I love this song, anon. Antis can keep pointing at that awkward kiss (that he doesn’t even initiate, she keeps pushing her face into his) as evidence of some ~epic romance~ all they want, but once again they fail (and/or refuse) to see things in context and “Cape May” was already pretty clear wrt Red’s feelings, I agree. and the finale lines up w/ it, too, which is nice.

Red hasn’t seen her in 30 years yet he only decided to contact Kat bc her looming exposure threatened Liz and Agnes, and when he is shown a picture of her, this is his reaction:

Not exactly what I’d expect from a dude in love (even if it were unrequited). He had a way more emotional reaction to Dembe’s return and he only left like a week ago. This is more like how you react when someone shows you photographic evidence of Bigfoot chilling in their hot tub w/ a beer. And now we know Red knew all along that Katarina was alive, so him “designating” Liz as the woman he loves and confessing (several times both to her and others) that without her he has nothing to live for and saying her name as his last word speak volumes already. So if they wanted to sell Red/Kat, they have already undercut themselves on multiple fronts here by giving literally all the romance tropes to Red/Liz. But I don’t believe they are selling R/K, it’s just another smoke screen + Kat is part of a past both Red and Liz have to settle for the sake of their future. And settling the past is always easier and more fruitful to do w/ a living human than w/ a ghost or a hallucination.

Yeah, I think it’s there to signal that they (Dom and Kat included) go way back and were/are close, like you said. and to indicate shared Russian roots, perhaps. As I said above, I still think Red is Ilya and the Stranger is likely Russian, too, (and so is Dom), so using Liz’s original Russian name makes sense in this context of “Russian togetherness”.

and Red sometimes calls her Masha around Dom, too, bc that’s what Dom calls her bc that’s who she still is to Dom. And I think that’s why Red calls her Elizabeth bc that’s who she is to him, which is a nice little detail further emphasizing that his main/defining connection to her is the present one just as James keeps saying. Or as Red puts it on-screen

I can def see both sides here, anon, and more. Knowing what we know about Red, both are likely among the multiple reasons that underpin his behavior in this scene. Yes, on the one hand, he was pressed for time and wanted that Kat thing done as soon as possible. On the other, he was also kinda closed-off as if he were trying to hold back emotionally as well as physically, which I think flows from 2 main sources: 1) he feels uncomfortable w/ the labels Liz wants to push on him (ever since the pilot he’s been displaying a preference for “partner” and not “father” and he might be reaching his saturation point) and 2) he is still heartbroken and afraid to put himself out there again w/ Liz after three major betrayals in a row. He’s already had a sort of baseline distress due to how emotionally vulnerable he is to Liz at all times, so after this latest heartbreak I think he is just trying to take things slow, leaving space and time for Liz and himself to figure out a mutually acceptable way to fit together.

She’s been using his heart as a knife block to satisfy her own needs and I think it’s making him less and less willing to force himself into slots that feel uncomfortable to him. She just decided that him playing dad and grandad is what suits him but a week ago she thought life in prison suited him the best. I mean… that’s not how you relationship. At all. Relationships are ongoing negotiations where all involved need to consent to their “roles”. It’s not “I hate you now, so I will put you in prison” and then “I love you now, so stay for dinner”. After everything that’s happened, I am not surprised Red is pushing back a little here for the sake of (what’s left of) his own sanity. He is a deeply flawed, problematique human being but he is still a human being and not a toy.

Liz and Agnes are the most important to him and he would never ever force his preferences on them, I completely agree. But that doesn’t mean Liz should be allowed to force her preferences on him esp when those change so often and so drastically bc she clearly doesn’t know what she really wants from him yet. I think this realization is finally truly dawning on this guilt-ridden, lovesick idiot and that’s part of what we see in this scene, esp in that “I don’t wanna intrude” comment that really does feel like a pointed retreat from her abrupt park bench declaration. But of course there is no negotiation w/o talking and that’s what Liz wanted to do before Red shut her down, so…

bottom line (that’s been the same for 6 years): these 2 need to talk.

[tessatechaitea]

Black Canary: New Wings #2

"How about a photo-realistic view of Downtown Seattle and then I'll just scribble in some mountains up top?" -- Dick. "Please add some Black Canary Colorforms too." -- Editorial.

Even after giving Issue #1 an "A" rating, I still can't believe this issue is going to be anything but boring. Just look at this fucking cover! This is the kind of image a D-list publishing house puts on the cover of a biographical comic book about David Faustino. Did editors at DC think highlighting the city of Seattle in 1991 was going to move units? It's not even recognizable as Seattle! Okay, okay, you fucking Seattlites. Great, you recognized your city instantly! I guess this fucking comic book was for you then, you know-it-all twats. For the rest of us, we need the Space Needle front and center, not washed out in the pink morass over Black Canary's shoulder! You never see an artist for DC drawing an image of Paris without the Eiffel Tower. I mean, maybe not never, exactly. Sometimes they'll throw in the Arc de Triomphe or the Louvre or Notre Dame. But that's kind of the point! All Seattle has is the Space Needle! I'm not shitting on Seattle for that. I live in Portland and what the fuck do we have? A big pink corporate office building?! Oh, sure, we have some spectacular bridges! I forgot about those! Portland is better than Seattle when it comes to recognizable architecture. Although we don't have a troll sucking off a VW Bug under any of our bridges or a huge black cock jutting out of downtown (Big Pink is the best we can muster). I don't really care which city has better architecture! I can't stand people who feel pride for living in a specific city and then try to emulate the stereotypical person who lives in that city. If you're wondering who the fuck would do that, just watch any local newscaster in any city and watch how they try so fucking hard to be representative of the stereotypes of people who live there. Local news stations should stop airing promos that say shit like "First. Live. Local." Instead, they should just say, "We have no dignity. But we have the news! Although, to be fair, half of it is composed of viral videos everybody but our oldest of olds audience has seen." Another reason this cover sucks is that it declares the title of this chapter is "Home is Where Ya' Live." Is that some sage Midwestern non-wisdom that people spout in reply to some other person moaning about some problem? Like how when somebody in Lincoln, Nebraska is all, "I was shot in the leg on my way to Runza's!" And then somebody else is all, "It builds character." In California, we didn't have sayings like that. If somebody said, "I was shot in the leg on my way to Taco Bravo!", you would reply, "Dude! That's gnarly!" And they'd go, "I know, right?!" And then you'd be all, "Like, is this going to affect our, like, trip to the beach?" And they'd be all, "Nah brah! I'mma go, like, run some water on it! Good as new, dude!" And you'd say, "Tubular! Gonna go get my board! Catch ya later!" This is because nothing in California builds character. You just start off as a goofy, one-dimensional caricature of a human being and stick with it until you, like, die.

No white male has ever been called uppity and we all know why.

"Uppity" is a great word by which to judge somebody's character. I mean to say, if somebody actually calls somebody else "uppity," you now know way more than that person wanted you to know about what kind of person they are. Especially telling is if somebody doesn't understand why you're judging them for calling somebody "uppity." I stopped associating with way more people than I would have thought possible when they sided against Colin Kaepernick. Maybe they didn't use the word "uppity" exactly but they sure weren't hiding their feeling that some people should keep in a specific place and be grateful for what they've been allowed to have, so to speak. Unfortunately for them, my sister and my dad fell into that camp. Obviously they thought they claimed their dislike for Kaepernick was that he wasn't supporting the troops. But we all know how flimsy that bit of moral legerdemain really is. It takes an awful lot of mental contortion to simply disregard Kaepernick's stated protest of police violence against the black community and decide to believe right wing media that has a vested interest in a continued police state backed by corporate money. The whole "I'm a patriot so I find unpatriotic acts disgusting!" is the worst shell game every invented. All those fuckers who constantly thank members of the military for protecting their freedoms support Trump and Republicans who are fucking our freedoms in the ass (non-consensually! I support somebody fucking my freedom in the ass if my freedom feels like getting fucked in the ass tonight). I would thank a member of the military for protecting my freedom if they were ever fucking used to actually protect our freedoms. As a democracy (Don't you fucking representative republic me, you asshole), it's up to us to protect our freedoms and a good percentage of us are failing spectacularly at that job. Gan isn't just battling the small time crack dealers in his neighborhood. He's got his sights on Senator Garrenger as well.

Gan doesn't realize the opposite is also true.

Senator Garrenger is a white supremacist working with white supremacists to do white supremacy. Some of us have been fighting this shit for a long time. The problem is far more of us have been pretending it wasn't a real thing for even longer. "White supremacist Neo-Nazis infiltrating our police forces? Get out of here! You sound ridiculous!" was probably a thing said a lot in the last forty years. And yet even now that conservatives have found that they don't need to resort to dog whistles because saying the thing out loud that used to cause political backlash doesn't even cause a ripple of concern now. We have learned that a large percentage of our country doesn't give a shit if you're a racist, misogynist asshole as long as you say three things over and over again: "God Bless America," "Owning a gun is a God-given right," and "Abortions are evil." Tick off those boxes and you can dispense with all the dog whistling and just say the racist shit on national television. Dinah begins to dig up dirt on Senator Garrenger so that Black Canary has an iron clad excuse to punch him in the face. Her and Gan decide to work together to stop him and clean up the California drugs in their neighborhood. Not that they believe the two problems are actually the same problem! Not yet anyway! Dinah suspects it but Gan thinks she's seeing conspiracy where there isn't any. Dinah has more experience with how comic books work which is why she sees the entire forest already and it's only the beginning of Issue #2. Gan takes his show to the streets in front of a crack house to shame them out of the neighborhood. He doesn't realize it's run by the Senator's son who murders three of his "coworkers" to make his escape when the cops show. Gan is shot in the shoulder by the white supremacist assassin while Black Canary rushes in to help. A crack addict is blamed for the murders but Black Canary listens to his chaotic rambling, leading her to discover a shell left by the Neo-Nazi assassin. Black Canary: New Wings #2 Rating: B+. All the action is basically the last half of the comic book as a seasoned reader of comic books might expect. If a writer front loads the story with people discussing actual issues, the reader is going to get antsy for some mindless violence! Too bad for some readers the violence in this was't mindless but caused by truly awful people. People think the attitude of Comicsgate is a new thing but if you read the letters pages from the past, you'll see they existed back then as well. A lot of readers didn't want to be reminded that maybe the way they think and the things they believe put them in the realm of the "bad guy." So a comic book where the villain robs the bank or attacks Batman for the hell of it is okay because that reader would never rob a bank or attack Batman. But if you make the bad guy a senator who believes foreigners are stealing the jobs of good white Americans and maybe flooding their neighborhoods with drugs as a good way to fight against their "intrusion" into "white America," some of your readers are going to look up from the comic book and say aloud to nobody, "Hey!" And since most of them aren't in touch with their feelings or have ever really done a good, close examination of their self, they don't know how to deal with hurt feelings in any way but to be angry. It's easier to be angry at the person calling some white people racist than to have a good long think about why you might be upset about somebody pointing out racism.

[nellie-elizabeth]

Really long and rambling Queliot analysis...

Okay, so I have some Queliot Thoughts that I wanted to write out before the finale murders us all. This isn't discourse about the show's handling of queer rep. I have thoughts about that too, but this is more about the relationship and how I view it in universe, not in terms of the writing/authorial intent. This gets very long so I'll put it under the cut.

Also I wrote this quickly and didn’t really edit for content so seriously please be warned... this is kind of a mess. Here goes.

I'm such a fan of angst and obviously I love all of the angst-y interpretations of everything post-3x05 given the conversation we learn about in 4x05. But before I saw 4x05, I always sort of had this different interpretation of Queliot in the aftermath of the mosaic timeline, and I find it really compelling.

So, Q and Eliot get their memories of the mosaic timeline back, and it's obviously really emotional and intense for them both, but their memories aren't necessarily crystal clear. Some things feel incredibly real and immediate, but other things feel like they happened in a dream, or under water, or just slightly... off. But without realizing it, totally subconsciously, they just sort of... operate like a couple. Not in terms of confessing their love or holding hands or anything obvious like that, but they're just so comfortable and in sync with each other. Their minds are used to living in close quarters, sharing a bed, sharing the little pains and joys of everyday life, and so they just keep doing it without meaning to. We as the audience get to see that play out in 3x06. Eliot doesn't even think about what he's doing, he just straightens Q's clothes for him, and they lean into each other on instinct, El giving Q that little forehead kiss. (Obviously in light of Eliot's rejection, that scene seems super sad to us now, but I also like the idea that it's just an ingrained instinct for them to behave that way).

We know, from a writing standpoint, that the revelation in 4x05 wasn't something that was planned all along, it was developed as they were writing that episode. That means that the majority of season 3 doesn't take it into account. So, when Q is being tormented by the depression key, none of his insecurities or self-loathing are tied back to Eliot, and the rejection he has just faced. But if you go with this interpretation, Q doesn't feel insecure about Eliot. I kind of love the idea that even though Eliot regrets what he said to Q, he wasn't 100% wrong, either.

Now, by that I don't mean that Eliot was right when he said they wouldn't choose each other. That was hurtful, and it sucks that El didn't trust Q to know his own mind in terms of his sexuality in particular. I absolutely think Eliot owes Q an apology. But there's that moment when Eliot reminds Q that they've just been hit by 50 years of emotions all at once. I think there's some truth to the idea that jumping in to a serious relationship would have been a mistake. (I want to pause and say that my head-canon is all in service of an eventual Queliot endgame, OF COURSE). Q and El remember this life they've lived together, but I don't think that those 50 years have stuck entirely in their minds and their development, if that makes sense. This goes back to my theory that their memories, while real, retain a certain element of dream-like or hazy quality to them.

In that moment, if Eliot had said yes to Q in the throne room, they probably would have been so happy. For a while. But I think Eliot would freak out any time something came up that they hadn't had to deal with in the mosaic timeline. I think Q would be too nostalgic for a life they never lived, and I think the pressure to replicate or repeat that life would have torn them up inside. Let's say that in the moment, Q is crushed by Eliot's rejection, and El hates himself so much for being a coward that he locks that memory inside of himself and never thinks about it.

And let's say that the next day, Quentin has had some time to think about it, and he decides that his relationship with Eliot is good. It's always going to be good because it always has been. They can be together, be a couple, or not - and neither option is going to ruin their long and loving life together. Neither option could possibly cause a rift in something so fundamental and true in both of their lives. Eliot and Quentin are not ordinary friends, and that was true long before the quest took them into Fillory of the past, and it will be true long after, no matter what.

Think about their relationship - when they meet in season one, they are both deeply damaged people. They do a very destructive thing under the influence of the emotion potions and Eliot's substance abuse, and have sex with each other and with Margo. And while this causes huge problems for Alice and Q, and while Margo and Q have their falling out over it, Eliot and Q seem... fine. They never really have an on-screen apology or reconciliation, because they didn't have a falling out. Q yells at Eliot in that scene in 1x12, but El is way too fucked up and in his own head to really care. As Eliot heals his own issues, he and Q come out of the whole thing stronger than ever. They've been loving and supporting each other since they met, and I think when you compare their friendship to the other ones in Q's life, it's really the most stable, consistent support system he has. Obviously Alice really loves him, and obviously Julia is awesome and they get to a really good place eventually too... but Eliot is really the only character with whom Q doesn't have a lot of bumpy road to travel.

So Q is disappointed that Eliot doesn't think they should give their relationship a shot, but Q also knows Eliot really well. Maybe he doesn't fully understand that Eliot regrets rejecting him, because Q's not a mind-reader, but I think Q does know that Eliot loves him, and that's something he can be confident about, no matter how that love manifests.

Throughout the rest of season 3, Eliot is repressing the fact that he fucked up and he wishes he could be with Q, but Q is quietly, contentedly, finding ways to move on from the hopes he briefly had that maybe he and Eliot could be together. Q will always love Eliot, and if he knew how Eliot was feeling, he'd probably fight for them and all that... but his heart isn't shattered into a million pieces or anything. He gets to be Eliot's friend. He gets to love him always, and that's enough for him.

The end of season three arrives, and Q makes his choice to sacrifice himself and stay with the monster. So many people have tied this decision to Queliot, saying that Q was willing to give up his freedom because he had nothing to live for, since Eliot doesn't want him. In my less angst-y interpretation, Q is being a hero. He's making a sacrifice. I also think, applying Queliot to the decision, he feels like he's already had a wonderful, full life. He got to experience marriage and fatherhood and growing old. That ties in with his conversation with his dad. He's willing to sacrifice a lot to bring magic back, because in some ways he's not sacrificing anything. It's obviously not a happy thought, spending eternity in a castle with a scary monster, but it's something he's genuinely willing to do. Eliot, on the other hand, is not in the same good place emotionally that Quentin is. He's simmering with love and regret over the loss of his loving partnership with Q, in a way that Q doesn't understand because he took Eliot's rejection mostly at face value, and forgave him and moved on from it in a mostly healthy way. That's why Eliot can't respect Q's choice, and shoots the monster with the god-killing bullet. He can't stand the thought of never seeing Q again.

Flash-forward to 4x05. Q is in a really bad place because his dad is dead and he believes Eliot is dead, not to mention all the drama with Alice suddenly showing up again, and then Eliot does The Thing - he breaks through and he says "proof of concept" and he says "peaches and plums," and Q is so fucking relieved and he loves Eliot so fucking much, and now he has hope, a desperate, frantic hope, of saving Eliot's life. I think the whiplash of losing Eliot and then the potential of getting him back is probably enough to stir up a lot of the emotions that Q thought he had put to rest. But, in keeping with what I've written above, Q hasn't been harboring a broken heart all this time. He's been in love with Eliot, sure, but that was a settled part of him, something true but dormant, if that makes sense. We can't forget that when 4x05 starts, Q believes that Eliot is dead, and hasn't seen Alice since her terrible betrayal. During the course of one single episode, Alice is back in his life, and he talks to Eliot, discovering the chance to get him back. These are his two main love interests of the show, and there's definitely a parallel being drawn with the fact that they're both suddenly back in his life at the exact same time.

I want to take a moment to say that I don't actually have a big problem, character-and-plot-wise, with Qualice. If Queliot had never been introduced in canon, I'd probably root for them. I don't think I would have been an avid and passionate shipper, or anything, but I'd find the story compelling. In fact, I still do find it compelling, I just no longer root for them to end up together. There are so many stories with the will-they-won't-they element, but there's something cool and slightly different about Qualice, in my opinion. We don't have to wait long for the "will they." They do, half way through the first season of the show. And then they break up in a spectacularly dramatic way, and Alice dies shortly afterwards. For the rest of the show thus far, their romantic plot thread has been about seeing if they can crawl their way back to what they once had, and even if they get there, is it what they remember? Are they the same people who fell in love with each other? Often in genre shows, where death is impermanent, the deaths of major characters are there for plot reasons, they're there for angst reasons, but often the lasting effect of something like that doesn't really play out. Here, the ramifications of Q and Alice's relationship from season 1 are only just starting to get unpacked here at the end of season 4. Some people might find that incredibly aggravating, because they're sick and tired of the relationship, but I actually find it compelling, as long as they don't erase Alice's development for the sake of her love for Q.

We also have to remember that the story's not over yet. Q and Alice trying again makes perfect sense to me, given everything that's happened on the show so far. But it also makes perfect sense to me that they finally work out that while they will always love each other deeply, they aren't going to make it as a couple. If we look at how I've imagined Q's inner thoughts and feelings since 3x05 happened, he's not wallowing in misery over Eliot. He loves him, but he loves Alice too, and he doesn't think that Eliot is an option for him right now. Maybe the "proof of concept" thing threw him for a loop, but Q has known all along that Eliot loves him... that was never a question in his mind. He still believes that Eliot decided not to be with him, despite the fact that they love each other. And Alice? Alice was his first love. Alice is someone who he hurt deeply, and who hurt him deeply in return, and Q likes to fix things. He wants to fix this, and I say it makes perfect sense for him to give it a try.

So how would I go from here, if I were in charge of the show? Well, let's assume that Q, Alice, and Eliot all actually walk out of the finale tomorrow alive. I'm not sure I think that's likely, but let's pretend. Obviously we get an awesome reunion hug, and tears and joy and Margo is there and Eliot gets to cuddle with her and with Q and everyone cries.

So now we’re in season 5. Eliot learns that Q and Alice are together now, and while he's disappointed, he decides to follow through with the promise he made to Memory!Q when he was trapped. He pulls Q aside and tells him he's sorry for what happened when Q asked him to be with him. Q is a bit startled at the apology, and Eliot explains that he deeply regrets being so dismissive. Eliot isn't sure if the two of them would have worked together or not, but that's not the point. Q was being open and vulnerable and honest, and Eliot brushed it aside. He downplayed the importance of their life together on the mosaic quest, and he hates himself for making Q think he was alone in his feelings. Q tells Eliot that he understands, and he's happy to think that maybe now they can share their memories of their life together without this barrier between them. Q leaves the conversation at first feeling like he's gotten some closure, and Eliot is wrestling with a totally unfamiliar feeling of jealousy and heartbreak as he watches Q and Alice go on with rebuilding their romance. (In my head-canon, Eliot was never jealous of Arielle and the three of them were in a totally happy, loving, devoted poly relationship, so Eliot has truly never felt jealous of anyone over Q before).

But then, because this is The Magicians, some magic shenanigans brings some stuff to light. We've seen the show do stuff with sex magic before, with Q and Alice, and there was Penny-23 worshiping Julia, so I would want there to be a scenario where maybe sex magic was required, but there's a twist about it being between life-time lovers, or something. Or maybe it's a truth serum that forces people to reveal any and all secrets, so Alice and the rest of the gang finally learn about the mosaic timeline. Something magic-y and plot-important-y happens that forces Q and Eliot to talk and think more about the mosaic timeline, in some form, and Eliot, either out of necessity because of the magic, or because of the emotions it brings up, confesses to Q that he's still in love with him and wants to be with him.

Q is shocked, and confused, because he felt like he had reconciled his love for Eliot and his love for Alice in his mind. He loves them both, and since Eliot doesn't want to be with him like that, it was okay for him to love them both and try to build a life with Alice. But now? Suddenly realizing that Eliot is an actual option for him? It hits him that he really wants that, that he had it backwards. He thought Alice was the love of this life, and Eliot was the love of a life he once lived. But instead, Alice is the memory of something he once had that made him really happy, and Eliot is the here-and-now. But he's made a commitment to Alice, so he's incredibly torn. I want Alice to be the one to dump Q. She realizes that he's thinking about staying with her out of obligation, and she tells him she deserves better than that, and runs into Kady's arms and decides that she needs to be single for a while, and continue to work on redeeming herself and finding her purpose and goals in life.

But now, see, Eliot is insecure because he thinks if Q chooses to be with him now, it's only because Alice decided not to be with him. It goes back to the whole "not when we have a choice" thing. We'd have a couple of conversations, some insecurities and doubts, and then some other dramatic plot-y thing would happen where Eliot or Q are in danger and the other one has to do something heroic to save them, and there's a desperate thank-god-you're-alive kiss, and that leads to an honest conversation and a decision to try and see where their relationship might take them.

Aaaannnd... scene.

This ended up way longer than I thought it would... lol. Congrats if you actually got to the end. I think the reason I felt compelled to write this is that I wanted to see a way of writing Queliot that felt actually true to the character development we've seen on the show thus far. When I'm reading fic, you can bet I LOVE reading about how Quentin is madly in love with Eliot, and Alice is a non-factor, or how Q and Eliot have both been silently pining ever since 3x05... but that doesn't square with the canon of the show. How do we reconcile what we've actually seen on screen, in terms of Quentin's character development, and Eliot's and Alice's as well? I think the above analysis is as sound as any other I've seen, and if the show actually follows through on the Queliot build-up, it would be an organic way for them to start to bring that relationship to the forefront without betraying Q's canonical and on-going love for Alice, and the fact that there's no hard textual evidence to support the idea that Q and El have actually been pining for each other this whole time. Just because they've got other people in their lives, even other loves, doesn't mean they couldn't still end up getting together on this show.

Fingers fucking crossed.

[mentalmimosa]

you dodged a bullet

Prompt: High school. Prompt from this generator.

The new kid, Kent, is a total weirdo. Which is why Bruce kinda likes him.

Kent’s fumbly and awkward, the sort of guy who knocks over a stack of books just by looking at them. His glasses are big and black-framed and eat up most of his face and he’s kind of shy; never speaks up in class unless he’s called on but always has the right answers. Always.

That’s what first gets Bruce’s attention: how smart the kid is. That, and how spectacularly out of place. Even in the standard blue blazer and gray slacks, Kent is all farm boy. He seems ill at ease indoors, always looking around for a window, quick pane of sky, but in gym class, when they get out on the track, it almost looks like he can fly.

“Hell, Kent!” their coach Mr. White shouts one afternoon in October. “You keep showing up like that and I’m putting you on winter cross country!”

Kent just smiles, red cheeks and white teeth, his eyes a sudden, dazzling blue. “That was a fluke, Chief,” he pants. “Ate my Wheaties this morning, that’s all.”

Mr. White slaps Kent on the back, still staring at his stopwatch. “That must’ve been a hell of a breakfast. Wayne! Wayne, where the good goddamn are you?”

Bruce is perched among his brethren, hanging around the center of the track with the rest of the CC team. They’re off the hook today because they have a tournament tomorrow and Bruce is supposed to be goofing off like the rest of them, telling stories about girls that aren’t true and debating the best way to get drunk in 30 minutes, flat--the usual bullshit. He’s been playing his part, throwing in straight up lies about Selina, but he’s been watching Kent too and it takes him a second pretend to be pissed he’s being dragged away.

“I’m here, Chief,” he hollers, rolling his eyes at his crew.

“Then get the shit over here, Wayne!”

Bruce pushes off and ambles across the grass, doing his best not to stare at Kent who’s turned the color of a squashed raspberry. Kent, who’s taken off his glasses--who wears glasses like when he runs? Has this guy not heard of contacts?--and looks five hundred kinds of freaked.

“Wayne, this is Kent,” White says. “He’s new.”

Kent makes a small, mortified peep.

“Yes, sir. We have some classes together.”

“Oh! Well good.” The Chief slaps Bruce on the back. “I want you to take him under your wing. I think we’re looking at the new anchor for the 500 meter relay.”

“Mr. Chief, I mean, Mr. White, I don’t really think--”

White ignores him. “He’s got the speed, but I need you to work with him on steadying it out. Pacing himself, and all that.”

Bruce gives White his teacher-tolerant smile. “I’m guessing this is not a request, sir.”

“No it damn well is not. We haven’t had a decent anchor since Nygma graduated and I’ll be damned if we’re losing that shit to Central again. Garrick over there hasn’t stopped crowing since last spring’s trials and frankly, I’m sick of it. So consider this your after-school project for the next month, Wayne. I want him ready before indoor track season begins, are we clear?”

“Yes, sir,” Wayne says, doing his best to sound bored.

“Good!” White says, clapping his hands. “Do this right, Bruce, and we might just win All-City. Hell of a way for you to wrap up your stellar career here, don’t you think?”

“Don’t worry,” Bruce deadpans once White’s wandered off to yell at the long jumpers, “he’s not always at 11. Some days he goes all the way down to 10.”

Kent looks up, looks at Bruce for the first time. “Was that a Spinal Tap reference?”

“Yeah.”

A little smile cracks through Kent’s embarrassment. “Oh. Cool. You like old stuff like that?”

Bruce has been at this dumb school for three years and counting and no one’s ever called him out on a reference like that. He’s not sure anyone in his year even knows who Spinal Tap is. Huh.

He says: “I like shit that’s funny.”

“Well,” Kent says, “yeah. Sure. That makes sense.”

“Hey, Wayne!” one his buddies shouts. “When you’re done with the nerd, you gotta hear what Kirk did with Helena!”

Bruce gives his crew the finger, much to their amusement, and turns back to Kent. “So today, after seventh hour. You got half an hour for some sprints?”

“Su-re,” Kent says, sounding seriously uncertain. “But, uh, I don’t--I don’t really do well on teams.”

He looks so damn sweet and unnerved that Bruce has this weird urge to hug him, to wrap his arms around this spindly kid and tell him it’s all gonna be ok.

“If you don’t want to join the team, that’s your prerogative,” Bruce says. “The Chief is like 85% bluster. I know he’s loud and everything, but he can be reasoned with. It’s not he has any control over your grades.”

Kent blinks. “Oh.”

“Look, the one thing you should know about this place--and I can’t believe you haven’t figured it out, frankly--is that pretty much no one is what they appear to be. White looks like a bully, but he’s really a marshmallow in bad stretchy shorts. Or, say, Mr. Palomar in the English department. Have you met him?”

“Yeah, I think so. Um, short guy with the little mustache?”

“Yeah, he teaches the third years. You dodged a bullet starting here this year. God, his classes are so fucking dull. But do you know what he does on the weekends?”

Kent is leaning closer to him, those eyes even wider. “No.”

“He’s an exotic dancer at a club out in Jersey.”

“No!”

Bruce grins. “Yes. Apparently he favors assless chaps.”

“Oh my god. And like, everyone knows this?”

“Not everyone or he wouldn’t be employed here, obviously.”

“Obviously,” Kent echoes. “Wow. Yeah.”

“Or, hmm--you see Langstrom over there?”

“Kurt? Yeah. Isn’t he one of your friends?”

“An acquaintance.”

“Ok, what about him?”

Bruce lowers his voice. “He’s been going out with Helena since middle school but she’s totally his beard.”

“His what? His--oh!” Kent looks startled. “He’s gay?”

“Loud and proud when he’s not on school grounds, but all about the pussy when he’s inside these iron gates.”

“Does she know? I mean, she seems really nice, she’s in my chem lab, I’d hate to think that she’s being used --”

Bruce laughs. “Kent, she’s got a girlfriend over at Themiscyria Prep. It’s a mutual using. Her parents are super Catholic; they’d kill her if they thought she’d so much as had a non-heteronormative thought.”

Kent blushes again, less raspberry this time and more rosé. “Oh, yeah well,” he stammers. “I get that. That’s, um. Kind of why I moved out here.”

Bruce’s eyebrow ticks up. “You moved out here because Helena is gay?”

“What? No, I”--Kent spots Bruce’s expression--“oh, you’re kidding.”

“Obviously.”

“I, um, I had a boyfriend at home. Lex. My parents found out and they kind of--lost it. They were like desperate to get us apart so they shipped me out here to live with my cousin Kara and her family.”

It’s the most words at a time Bruce’s ever heard Kent say, inside of class or out, and wow, Kent really did not waste time with the small stuff. Damn.

“I’m sorry,” Bruce says. “That’s fucked up.”

Kent looks up at him. “It is, yeah. Very much.”

The bell rings, a sharp blast over the loudspeakers, that signal 10 minutes left in the period, just long enough to shower and change before lunch, if they hurry. But for some reason, neither of them speeds away.

“Look,” Bruce says, “it’s none of my business, but you know that here, it’s ok for you to be whoever you are. You don’t have to hide it.”

Kent laughs. It’s not entirely nice. “This from the guy who just told me nobody here is what they seem.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t mean--”

“Yeah, you did.”

Bruce’s blood starts to boil. “No, Kent, I didn’t say don’t be gay. I said that a lot of people at this school only read what’s on the surface. I didn’t say your surface couldn’t be gay. Hell, I am, and you don’t see me getting shit for it, do you?”

“I don’t know,” Kent says, jamming his glasses back on his face. “We’re not friends.”

“So meet me here after seventh hour,” Bruce says, “and we’ll run some laps and maybe you can try to be.”

He isn’t sure where that comes from--the words or the air of semi-desperation--but they have their intended effect.

“Ok,” Kent says, “ok, fine. But my name’s Clark, by the way.”

“What?”

Suddenly, the kid is standing up straight, his shoulders back, his face firm and fierce. “Clark, that’s my first name. I know it’s what you all do here, but I don’t like being called by my last name.”

“Ok,” Bruce says, startled. “Clark it is."