#me when my past life tells me to kill my gorgeous best friend | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ofoceansandtombsanew · 1 year

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the summer moon was born from the waves to be loved (gojo x reader)

or, you got pregnant and the ghost of university days past finds out five years later.

tags: afab!reader (she/her), mentions of pregnancy, sometimes self-care is writing a fic with a messy premise, unbeta’d i’ll go back and fix things i just want this out of my drafts

AO3 || pt 2

o. ghost

This felt like something out of a bad movie.

One of those “yeah, that’s me. The one looking like she just shit herself because the ghost of Christmas past just showed up” kinds of movies. The ghost of Christmas past whom you haven’t seen in the last five years.

The ghost of Christmas past that your daughter looks at curiously, wondering who put you in such a stupor as she asks sweetly, “who’s he, Mommy?”

The ghost of Christmas past whose face is unreadable as he looks at Itsuki before he settles his gaze on you. “Yeah, [First],” the ghost asks. “Who am I?”

Where did I go wrong?

A rhetorical question.

A lot in life has to go wrong for a man you thought you left in your memories to show up at your doorstep but you can pinpoint the exact moment in time in which you screwed up. It’s all because you sat next to Ieiri Shoko in your mandatory calculus class. If it weren’t for that, none of this would be happening.

No, that isn’t it. Your gaze turns to Itsuki, who looks back at you with familiar light blue eyes and white hair. She may have gotten the Gojou Satoru eye and hair colors, but her hair texture and skin tone both pointed to you. If I sat anywhere else she wouldn’t be here. And even if you knew that sitting next to Shoko meant meeting the world’s most aggravating man you could have fallen for, you feel like you would have taken that path once again.

No, sitting next to Shoko wasn’t where you messed up all those years agoー it was telling her you were pregnant in the first place.

i. spring tide

When you met Gojou Satoru, you considered it a godsend.

Not because his eyes were a rare shade of blue that most would kill to have. Not because he was drop dead gorgeous and the last person you were expecting to see when your classmate Shoko invited you to eat lunch with her and a couple friends.

The reason was a lot more simple thatー he was the first person you’d met in years that had watched and liked Digimon more than Pokemon. I am so glad I sat next to that Shoko girl, you thought in gleeful disbelief as he told you his personal favorites before flipping the question onto you. “I’m basic,” you told him with a laugh. “I’ve been riding the wave of Gatomon love since I was 7.”

Getou Suguru, Satoru’s childhood best friend from what you’d gathered, groaned, “please don’t make him continue with your excitement.”

“Ignore him,” Satoru pushed Suguru’s face away with all the nonchalance in the world. “He thinks Digimon is stupid.”

“It’s a Pokemon bootleg!” Suguru shot back with a sly smile.

In unison, you and Satoru gasped in disbelief and offense. “Boy bye! You can talk all the shit you want about Digimon, I can rest every night at ease knowing if my house were on fire Agumon would be able to say ‘[First], your house is on fire’,” you sneered in jest at the man, Satoru clapping in agreement all the while at your defense. “You don’t get that kind of insurance with Pikachu! ‘Pika pika’ could mean so many things!”

“Where have you been all my life?” Satoru snickered, holding his hand out for a high five you reciprocated with complete enthusiasm.

“Watching Digimon by myself,” you laughed, whipping out your phone. You needed this man’s number stat. “The next time I have a Digimon rewatch, I’m inviting you over. Like, you don’t have the option to refuse, you’ve doomed yourself.”

Satoru’s eyes were gleaming from his lowered shades, “funny, I was about to say the exact same thing to you,” he glanced over at Suguru with a teasing look. “Friendship ended with Suguru, [First] is my new best friend,” the white-haired student declared as he typed his number into your phone.

He labeled himself Digidestined Satoru, sending a text to himself: This is coming from the phone of Digidestined [First]. Your cheeks hurt from how widely you were grinning as you looked at the message. “That better be what you put me in your phone.”

“Definitely, new best friend,” Satoru promised, whipping his own phone around to show your new contact in it. Digidestined [First] it was.

Despite the apparent disownership, Suguru looked amused and unbothered, “okay but see if your ex-best friend takes notes for you if you ever take off from class.” Suddenly your new brother-in-Digimon was singing a different tune, waxing poetic about how Digimon and Pokemon were brothers from different mothers. You rolled your eyes but you’re unmistakably giddy as you watched him talk with his hands.

“There doesn’t need to bad blood between the two,” Satoru ended with a grand bow. “As such, I declare that I can have more than one best friend.”

“How did we even get on the topic of Digimon,” Shoko asked with an amused look on her face, cracking open another beer. “That was so random.”

You grabbed your own beer with a light giggle, you felt rather light compared to how you started this day. “His sunglasses had a Metal Greymon-like pattern and I had to say something about it,” you say after a few sips. “Glad I did because now I have a new brother-in-Digimon.”

Blue eyes held your gaze for a moment and you clacked your cans together in celebration.

That was how your friendship started. Clothed in beer and Digimon. It took about a week before he swept over to your place, seeking out the promise to watch Digimon together. If you can really call what you did watching, you spent more than half of the time talking over the episodes about miscellaneous topics than actually watching Tai and the gang try to get back to the physical world.

He’d known Suguru since he was 5.

(“We got into a fight on the playground. I wanted the swing and he wouldn’t get off. So I kicked him and he threw sand at my face, we’ve been buddies ever since.”

“I have a lot of questions about how y’all went from trying to kill each other to being best friends.”

“Look, don’t question our methods.”)

He was a December Sagittarius, born December 7th.

(”Yeah, I can tell!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”)

He apparently started eating sweets to stimulate his brain but ended up with a sweet tooth.

(“That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, did you get that shit from Death Note?!”

“.... no.”

“Oh my god, you did!”

“You literally got a tattoo of a butterfly because of a crush you had on Jolyne from Part 6, shut up!”

“Satoru, don’t play these games with me.”)

He sounded eerily similar to Bruno Bucciarati from part 5 of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure.

(”Arrivederci!”

“Oh my god that’s insane! You do! Say something else!”

“STICKY FINGERS!!!”

“PFFT-”

“See? I could totally get away with saying I voiced him and no one would bat an eyelash.”

“Who else do you sound like?”

“I’ve been told I make a great impression of Kuroo from Haikyuu!!”

He did, by the way.)

And he was currently enrolled as a business major.

(“My old man wouldn’t get off my back about it. You?”

“Marine biology.”

“We have that program here?”)

He had a natural charisma that just drew people in, yourself included. That’s why you think it was so easy being with him, he made it feel like you’d been friends all your life even if reality said otherwise. He made everyone feel like that, that’s why he’d always be surrounded by people.

Still, he’d find a way to make you feel special when his eyes would light up in recognition when he saw you wave across the room at parties.

How he’d jig across the room with those lanky limbs of his to grab you in a hug. “[First], you finally made it! Thanks for coming out of the bat cave you call a room to grace us with your presence!”

It made you feel special that you were friends with the person adored by everyone else. That’s why you could playfully push him off of you and say, “you mean the bat cave you crawl to when you lock yourself out of your room and Suguru isn’t in either?”

“I’m hurt, why are you being mean to me?” Satoru pouted batting his white eyelashes like a distressed damsel. “Don’t you know who you’re being mean to when you’re being an ass? This, this is who you’re being mean to,” he gestured to himself.

"Last week you ate my fries after I specifically said not to touch them because I counted how many I had left, I know exactly who I’m being mean to.”

“How was I supposed to know you’d count them again whenever you decided to eat them?” Your irritation from last week had long since passed though, that was why you could laugh it off with a shake of your head. Satoru was Satoru, it was what you liked most about him even if he could be a pain in the ass.

Suguru’s brown eyes twinkled as you joined the small fray of him, Shoko and Utahime in a corner of the room, “I’m just glad I’m not the only one dealing with him anymore.” Satoru suck his tongue out with a ‘rude’.

“Someone has to do the dirty work,” Shoko replied as she raised a cigarette to her lips. “it might as well be us.”

Utahime smacked the tobacco stick out of her girlfriend’s hands as she said, “I’d rather not be included in the list of people of doing the dirty work.”

“Et tu, [First], et tu?” Satoru asked when you made no effort to come to his defense.

You raised your hands in mock defense, “I have to be a little mean to you sometimes, Satoru,” you told him with a snicker. “It keeps you from getting too big an ego.”

Whether or not that was working was debatable.

The night went on smoothly until your favorite brand of beer had been noticeably picked off from the coolers.

That’s my cue to leave.

“Sorry gang, but my lips don’t touch anything but Don Equis and Asahi,” you said with an air of regality not suited for a party of college students. “Maybe Corona if there’s nothing else. I’m not drinking... whatever this is. So I’m gonna head out, there’s a 24 hour liquor store around here somewhere.”

A chorus of farewells came from your friends minus one. “You coming back?” Satoru looked over at you in earnest.

But you shook your head, “nah, I think I’m done for the night,” you told him truthfully. Your social battery was gone for the rest of the evening and home was the only place you wanted to be. “I’ll catch you guys later though,” you stood up with a stretch.

Satoru stood up with you, “I’ll walk you back to your place then.”

Which was how you ended up sipping beers at the park, laying on soft grass. It wasn’t truly quiet, not with the passing of cars and the occasional passersby but it was quiet enough compared to the welcomed ruckus of the party. “Satoru,” Satoru hummed wordlessly in acknowledgement. “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”

“Dunno,” Satoru shrugged back pressed against the earth snuggly. “I never really got to think about it.”

He was an only child and as such the only one his parents’ turned their gaze to with pressure of taking over the family business. He confided in you ages ago how he hated it when you started seeing more sides of Satoru than the mischief-loving comedian he presented himself as.

You scooted closer to him to lean over his head, “well I think whatever you end up doing, even if it ends up really pissing off your dad, you’ll be great at it. You’re Satoru, that’s how I know you’ll be fine,” your voice held the tone of a promise. I promise you’ll be fine and you’ll be happy.

Thanks, [First]. You liked to think that was what that look on Satoru’s face meant. “I think you’ll make a great part-time aquarist, full-time whale researcher,” Satoru replied instead.

“You’re damn right I will,” you smiled warmly at him, moving a stray strand of his hair off his forehead. “Be careful I don’t disappear for months, spirited away by the sea folk on my Children of the Sea shit.” You took his sunglasses off, you had no clue how he was able to wear them 24/7. Even stranger was how he was still able to walk so easily at night despite having them on. Apparently the Gojou eye genes were built different; the colors of his eyes certainly were. “I’ll come back to shore occasionally, mysterious as the sea itself.” The sea you got to see every time you looked at his eyes, even if now they were barely visible even with the street lights.

Satoru looked back at you with a small smirk, “even if you got spirited away, I’d just go and bring you right back. Suguru’ll kill me if I try and make him watch Digimon Tamers with me again. You said it first, remember?” His voice was low as he recalled your exact words from your first meeting. “You’ve doomed yourself. There’s no ditching me now, not even at sea.”

“I did say something like that, didn’t I,” you smiled wryly.

He didn’t say anything back, but you could guess that he was likely thinking something along the lines ‘yep, that you did. No take backsies.’ A comfortable silence fell between the two of you, his eyes staring up at yours. It’s then you swore you saw him glance at your lips from where he laid and just when you considered the idea of kissing himー the sprinklers turned on.

Even worse, in your surprise his head clashed into yours as he tried getting up with a start.

Then there was a dash of bullshit on the side when your beers spilled over into the grass.

Great, you thought as Satoru tossed your emptied cans into a nearby trash can after you got out of the line of fire. You shook your arms, droplets of water flying off your soaked sleeves.

You should have taken that as a major sign from the universe that you would be making a mistake of gargantuan proportions if you kissed that man.

Instead, the two of you looked at each other and laughed. “God I hate this park, why do we even come here? Nothing good ever happens when we do,” Satoru said with a shake of his damp hair.

“This is the first time we’ve ever even come here,” you snickered.

“And see what a great start we’re already having with it?”

“Come on,” you tugged him by the wrist. “Let’s just change at my place, you have some clothes somewhere over there.”

A smarter person would have left it at that once you got home and showered, placing your clothes in the wash. It could have been a pleasant end to the evening, the two of you crashing on the couch while watching some dumb movie you never heard of on Netflix.

But the same atmosphere from the park came back with you when he came out of the bathroom at the same time you planned to knock on it to ask if he wanted something warm to drink. “Oh, sorry-” you say when your fist lightly landed on his chest instead of the door. “I was just gonna ask if you wanted tea or something. I bought your favorite brand of honey.”

“Sure, I’d like that,” he answered but you made no move to go to the kitchen and he made no move to ask when you would.

Who kissed who first, you weren’t sure. It didn’t really hit you that you were kissing until Satoru tore his lips from yours with a pant, “hey how drunk are you because I really just wanna make sure-”

“I’m not,” you pulled his lips back onto yours and Satoru hadn’t wasted time in hoisting you up by the legs.

ii. neap tide

When does one stop sleeping with their friend? You suppose it is probably when you realize you have feelings for them.

You didn’t do that.

If it had been anyone else doing this to themselves, you would have told them to cut the cord while the feelings were still manageable.

Or maybe you at least tell the other party how they felt.

You didn’t do that either.

Maybe that was why it was all catching up to you one day when you woke up feeling like crap. The physical manifestation of your stress coming back to bite you in the ass. Right before the trip you were planning on taking with your friends, you started feeling like crap only exacerbated when Satoru was in your presence.

But you still went despite your physically manifested stress because you’re a pushover. Or more specifically, if it involved Satoru, you folded faster than Sunday morning laundry. You had to when he looked at you in concerned disbelief you were trying to drop out of your plans last minute.

“Satoru, it isn’t the end of the world if I stay home. It’s just a week long break.”

“A week long break from your friends? From me? Your best friend?”

You struggled not to laugh, “last week you said I was kicked from that position because I watched one episode of Love is Blind without you.”

Satoru scowled at the memory, “because that’s our show, we started that together, there’s no watching ahead,” he reprimanded you. “And clearly I’ve forgiven you since you’re back in that position because I can’t believe you’re trying to leave me to survive with a couple and Suguru for a week!”

You puckered your lips and shrugged, “if it’s any consolation, Suguru is your boyfriend like 95% of the time.”

“Well right now Suguru is that asshole Kenjaku’s boyfriend and Kenjaku is supposed to be coming and I do not want to fourth wheel that by myself.”

You flicked his nose softly, “so you want me to third party fourth wheel with you so you don’t have to be alone with two couples?”

Satoru grinned and you stopped yourself from rolling your eyes. “Third party fourth wheel with benefits, yes.”

You stared at him for one, two, three seconds before you relented. “Look, I’m only going because I want the sex, not because I’m happily agreeing to fourth wheel with you.”

Satoru whooped regardless in his victory, “works for me!” He chortled as he went back to scrolling on his phone.

Silence fell over you as fiddled with your pointer finger and thumb.

“Hey,” Satoru spared a glance from whatever he was staring at on twitter. “What are we supposed to be?” Blue eyes grew to the size of saucers and you continued, “Classic no strings attached? Or is this supposed to be going somewhere?”

That made him set down his phone, “why,” he licked his lips before grinning, but it looked forced even to your eyes. “Why are you asking me that so randomly?”

You deserved an Oscar for how smoothly you delivered what came from your mouth. “Well what if the receptionist there is hot? I don’t need to make things between us awkward because it turned out we aren’t on the same page,” you thumbed behind you in the direction of the hotel. “‘What the hell, [First]’,” you deepened your voice, puckering your bottom lip as you whined. “‘I thought we had something special and you fucked the receptionist? What if they end up fucking with our reservation now?!’”

“First of all, that is not what I sound like,” Satoru stuck his tongue out at you but his shoulders were relaxed and subtle he tried to be, you could feel the relief rolling off of him in waves. “Second, fucking the receptionist does sound like a terrible idea because what if they do fuck our reservation because things go south? Just find someone at a club like the rest of us. But fucking someone else is a non-issue, get all the ass you want.”

“Well glad to know I have the Gojou Satoru thumb of approval,” you smiled and Satoru grinned in return, giving you a nudge with his elbow and you nudged him back. Underneath the calm, you were a storm of turbulent emotions. You weren’t surprised, your feelings had been confirmed. This wasn’t a Disney movie. You weren’t Tiana and he wasn’t Naveenー you weren’t going to turn this commitment-phobe into something he wasn’t. Yet the pain of the confirmation echoed in your chest. “Well, not when it comes to the receptionist.”

“Because no one fucks someone with the power of their reservation at their fingertips, that’s like,” Satoru searched his mind for the perfect example. “Handing over the poison to a chef and that chef was the person you were planning on poisoning.” So is continuing to sleep with someone who didn’t want the same things as you.

You couldn’t help laughing at your idiocy, relieved that Satoru took it as a humorous dig at his less than perfect metaphor. “I’m still fucking the receptionist if they’re hot.”

“I hope they’re married and old, how about that?”

“I’ve always liked them with a little salt and pepper. I fucked your prematurely whitening headass, didn’t I?”

“First of all, this is all natural-”

You’ve doomed yourself.

iii. red tide

Denial.

Anger.

Bargaining.

Depression.

Acceptance.

Those are the five stages of grief. It was certainly the steps that you experienced when the fact your period was late hit you while you were floating when Utahime gasped about the sea turning red.

Red tide, it was the first you’d ever seen it. But that excitement or concern about the possibility of what that meant completely subsided as you stared at the reddening shoreline when you realized a noticeable absence of red that week.

There was no way you were late for any particular reason. This was one of those flukes, your period always had a tendency to be finicky. It would be early or late at its convenience, never mind you being the one suffering. That’s why it was absolutely ludicrous that you left the beach to buy a pregnancy test.

And if you were the word you refused to think, it was your own damn fault for playing with karma the one time you decide to trust Satoru’s pullout game. Both of you were stupid, very very turned on and stupid and you should have just waited to get a condom.

But in the chance you weren’t pregnant, you swore you were going to remain celibate the rest of your university experience. You’d focus on other things, like journaling consistently like you said you would when you were writing your New Year’s revolutions.

Bargaining means nothing to biology, however, that was what you took as the universe’s answers when you were forced to look at the positive result staring back at you.

A lot of thoughts would run through a person’s head at an unplanned pregnancy resulting from a very ill-advised friends with benefits relationship.

Were you still in depression? Or had you reached acceptance yet? You weren’t entirely sure as you stared out the sparkling sea. Your sight blurring the stars above and the stars below did little reassure you as the possibilities ran through your mind.

What would you tell Satoru?

How would he react?

Would he think this was why you asked him about where your relationship was supposed to be heading?

Would assume the worst of you and accuse you of trying to trap him into a relationship when it was clearly supposed to be no strings attached from the beginning?

You didn’t know which unknown would hurt you more.

I should really decide on whether or not I’ll keep it to begin with before I start with all the scenarios, you inhaled deeply with shudder but you didn’t bother to wipe your tears. The blurriness was your own punishment. If I don’t, I never have to tell him anything. We can just cut this off and he’ll be none the wiser.

It was the most optimal scenario when you were still in college. You were barely handling the fees you currently had to pay for school, a child definitely wouldn’t help with that.

Was it too late to find something unhealthy to use as a coping mechanism?

“Yo,” you could have laughed bitterly. Of course, this is when Satoru shows up now. Right after you’ve isolated yourself away from everyone else on the more populated part of the beach. He was grinning, you could hear it in his voice. “[Fir]- hey are you alright?”

Great.

“Yeah, it’s just, you ever see something so beautiful you want to cry? It’s one of those things,” when he looked unsure, you grinned widely and wiped your tears. You didn’t need him to suspect a damn thing. “Seriously, dude, this was the reason I wanted to go into marine biology as a kid. I saw a picture of it once and decided, I wanna see that too. It’s just a surreal moment for me.”

At your reassurance, Satoru sighed, “geez, don’t freak me out like that.” You snorted as he settled next to you and you couldn’t think of anything humorous to say.

“Pretty cool, right?” The blue of the bioluminescence was reminiscent of his eyes, the thought crossed your mind now that he was in front of you.

Satoru whistled, impressed, “yeah but what is it?” He slapped a foot down on the ground, whistling again at the additional sparkling at the stimulus. “You’re the marine biologist, explain the science to me.”

“Sea sparkle,” you told him with a snort, heart drumming all the while. “I never thought I’d see something like this in my life. Red tides are signs of algal blooms are going to happen. They can be harmful but sometimes, completely harmless. This is the completely harmless kind,” a sparkling wave rolled across your feet as if to prove your point. “Well, technically harmless, there’s some conflicting evidence on whether or not it’s okay to swim in. We shouldn’t touch or swim in it to be safe. It’s just been a childhood dream of mine to do this, so don’t tell my friends in the not-dumb-scientist community. And wash your skin really really well tonight before going to bed.”

A grin blossomed on his face in his usual expression of mischief, “I ain’t no snitch.”

“Good because if you do I’m telling Shoko it was you that ate her leftovers,” you stuck your tongue out petulantly and Satoru kicked a splash at your thigh.

“Anyways,” Satoru drawled, observing the glow of his footsteps in the sand. “How long will it last?”

“It depends, sometimes a week. Sometimes a month,” definitely longer than the two of you and the situationship you’ve maintained thus far. “Once the food source runs out, they’re out. But hopefully they’ll be here the rest of our vacation, it’s pretty cool, right?”

“Yep, pretty damn cool,” he repeated like you hadn’t already asked that question earlier.

Satoru wasn’t yours, nothing was going to change that.

iv. ebb

If I’m not going to tell him, I need to leave.

That was the conclusion you came to after ultimately deciding to keep your child. Gojou Satoru wasn’t yours to keep, that was more than apparent. You wouldn’t force him to stay by means of a pregnancy.

You weren’t the first single mother in existence, you doubted you’d be the last. You’d do everything, without his help. Everything would be figured out in due time, it didn’t matter the run around you would have to take.

It took a week after the trip for you to come to that conclusion, packing your bags so you could head home. You’d transfer to a different school, there was no way you’d be able to keep a pregnancy underwraps on campus. Especially not from your friends.

You tried to distance yourself from your friends slowly, but even an inch was noticeable.

You alright?

What kind of sadists are your professors if you’re this busy?

Just let me know if you need me to come over some kind of distraction. Sorry for coming over earlier unannounced, I shouldn’t have assumed. Just wanted to make sure you were okay.

Those were the texts Satoru sent you the most. If any your friends doubted you, it seemed Satoru doubted you the most despite your reassurance that once you got your workload more manageable you’d be more available. You told him things were fine, maybe he just doubted you because you never told him he couldn’t come over whenever he felt like it. That was how things had been since you became friends.

Your place was his place, his place was yours.

That’s why Shoko had to be at your apartment, arms crossed and looking thoroughly tired.

“What’s been up with you anyway?” Shoko barged into your apartment before you could stop her. “Satoru’s been driving me insane asking me to check on you.” So she said, but you saw the worry on her face even if she tried to hide it. “So what’s going on? He says he’s pretty sure something is going on and you don’t want to tell him. Are you failing a class or something?”

“Nothing,” you told her a little too quickly and the brunette gave you a look that said ‘girl, please’. If your attempt to look as composed as possible wasn’t doing you favors, neither was how messy your room was. “Seriously, Shoko, I’m fine. Satoru’s just being overdramatic. It’s Satoru, you should know this. He went to your clinic once for almost breaking a nail.”

Shoko rolled her eyes at the memory, “yeah but now he’s pestering me to see if you’re actually fine or if you’re just trying to shut him out,” she sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose before the concern peeps out of her face. “He said once in high school Suguru pushed him away and stuff went bad between them for a while. He felt like it was his fault for not trying hard enough to see what was bothering him. The rest of us are being chill about everything but we are worried too, you know. Just considerably less dramatically than others.”

That made your heart twist in both in the best and worst ways.

“It’s...” you took a step back and held yourself. “It’s fine. Tell Satoru he’s just being dramatic.”

“Then why is your suitcase out?” [Color] stared into brown as Shoko’s look told you that she wouldn’t drop it until you came clean to her. “Is it that serious? I won’t force you to talk about it, but I at least want to know how okay you are and it’s something you can manage on your own. That’s all, I promise I won’t say anything to Satoru if you really don’t want him knowing,” she’s the most gentle you’ve ever seen her. Only Utahime is privy to the softest of Shoko’s expressions but you can’t help but appreciate the look of worry she has. But I don’t want you to just up and disappear on us either.”

You opened your mouth, closed it, then opened it again. “I,” you licked your lips and sat down on your couch. “I’m thinking of transferring to another school.”

Shoko peers into your face, “and you’re worried about how we’ll take it?”

You shook your head. “I am worried about that but, I’m more worried about the why I need to leave. My parents will probably freak out too, but I’m going to promise them this isn’t going to stop me from pursuing my education.” Wide as her eyes already were, Shoko’s eyes were practically the size of dinner plates. You cut her off before she could say anything else. “I’m pregnant. I found out on the trip we took.”

...

“It’s Satoru’s,” it wasn’t a question.

Your silence was enough of an answer.

“You’re plan was to transfer schools because you don’t want to tell him you’re pregnant?” Shoko’s eyes were wide and you looked away from her. “[First], you can’t expect me to not tell him about-”

Your eyes snapped back to look at her, “you can’t tell him about this.”

Shoko shook her head, “this isn’t just your kid-”

“I’m the one who’s pregnant, I’m the one who decides what to do with it! It’s none of his business!”

Shoko probably would have slapped you if you weren’t expecting, “it’s his kid too, of course it’s his business!”

“Fine,” you muttered coldly, fixing your friend with a cold stare. “I’ll tell him if you can tell me you genuinely think it’s going to go well. That you can really Gojou Satoru dropping everything to become a father for a kid he never planned on having with someone he never planned on being with. Satoru who can’t commit to a relationship at best or won’t commit at worst,” you remember his genuine fear and subsequent genuine relief. “Hell, that he won’t think I tried babytrapping him because I asked him recently if he saw what we had going anywhere and he clearly didn’t want that.”

Shoko couldn’t say anything.

You shook your head with a humorless huff, “yeah, that’s what I thought too.” You paused to close your eyes and inhale deeply before looking at your friend once more. “I’m not telling him anything. I don’t need his help to raise this baby, I can do this myself.”

Shoko eyes are dark and you knew she was second guessing everything. “[First]-”

“You can’t tell him anything. Not even Suguru, especially not Suguru. He’d tell him right away.” Suguru was your friend, he was a great friend even. But you knew where his loyalties lied. He’d tell Satoru in a heartbeat. “Please,” you pleaded. “I’m asking you as your friend.”

Shoko reached for the pack of cigarettes sticking out of her pocket before dropping her hand to the side. Right, your pregnancy.

You looked at her in desperation, biting your lip. “Please, I’d never ask you this if it wasn’t important. Satoru doesn’t want me,” your eyes stung at the admission even if you accepted that truth ages ago. “Not the way I want him.”

“I,” Shoko released a shaky breath. “I won’t say anything. I promise.”

You dropped out of school without a word to your friends before the month ended.

v. moon

五条・五月。

Gojou Itsuki; you considered writing that on her birth certificate when she was born. Instead, it was your last name Itsuki received.

五, that was the only part of Satoru you would give her, the ‘five’ in Gojou. You promised that little girl you would love her five times as much for his absence.

vi. flow

That all brought you back to now in the present, Gojou Satoru sitting beside you on a park bench while you daughter looked nervously between you both. “Go on then,” you sweep your hand in the direction of the swings. “I’ll be sitting right here, okay? Have some fun with the other kids.”

Yet like moth to a flame, the man with snowy white hair is all your daughter can focus on. “But who is he?”

Satoru opens parts his lips and you beat him to the introductions, “he’s just an old friend of Mama’s, that’s all. Like Aunt Shoko. We haven’t seen each other in a while and we just want to catch up, that’s all. Right?” You shoot Satoru a pleading look.

“That’s right,” Satoru beams. “Maybe I can push you on the swings later.” That makes Itsuki grin back widely. She looks so much like him that there is no denying who she is to him. You know it and so does he.

The smile drops the moment Itsuki is out of an earshot. “You really never planned to tell me about her,” his eyes that normally remind you of crystal clear seas look more akin to frigid chips of ice as he looks at you. “You stop talking to me, you block me on everything out of nowhere and when you dropped out of school, I had no idea where you were-”

“Satoru, you have to understand,” you start, it sounds weak even to you.

Satoru looks at you with a look of pure offense. You can read his mind clearly, “What is there to understand?”

“This was the best outcome for everyone involved. You, me and Itsuki.”

“That isn’t the kind of thing you decide on your own, it takes two to make a child, [First]!”

“We’re not arguing in front of my daughter, Gojou Satoru.”

“No,” the smile that spreads across Satoru’s face is feral. You’ve seen that smile before, one he had whenever he was on the brink of swinging and starting a fight. Never before had that smile been directed at you. “She’s our daughter. My daughter. And I had to find out from Shoko five years after she’s been born that she ever existed in the first place!”

“Like you wanted to be a father anyway,” you hiss, glancing at the growing concern on Itsuki’s face.

“You didn’t even bother asking me what I wanted,” Satoru snaps back. “I would have helped. I want to help.”

“I didn’t want or need your help then and I sure as hell don’t need it now,” you stand up, swinging your wrist away from the large hand that tries to stop you. “You aren’t even her birth certificate,” Satoru flinches like you shot him. “Not your name, not your birthday, not anything. Itsuki’s never even asked about her father,” a lie. It isn’t nearly so frequent as to be considered a problem, but Itsuki did ask about the whereabouts of her father every so often. “It’s just us, Itsuki, I keep telling you that.”

“Do I have another mommy then?”

“No, it’s just us.”

Still, she asks. But Gojou Satoru didn’t need to know about that. “Just go the hell away and leave us alone. I’m not asking for your help, I’ve been doing this alone so far and I plan to keep it that way.”

You take Itsuki home, telling her not to mind the sad-looking man you left on the bench.

“Before you say anything," Shoko starts when she answers the phone. “I know you’re pissed off.”

“No shit,” you all but seethe at your closest friend. Itsuki is asleep and it takes all of your willpower to not turn a firm but loud whisper into shrieks of hysteria. “Shoko, what the-”

“[First], I had to tell him,” Shoko sighs and you can practically smell the nicotine through. “I get it, you were scared back then but Satoru deserved to know he is a father. Itsuki deserves a chance to get to know her father!”

“You don’t get to decide what my kid needs,” you retort immediately. “We have been doing just fine without him in our lives and that’s how I wanted to keep it. Now she keeps asking about the man with the white hair and why he looked so sad and-”

“This isn’t one of those situations where you had a surrogate and did this all on your own, [First]. And he isn’t some random stranger you met some campus party years ago, this is a friend! Why on earth would you tell him that you never put him on the birth certificate.”

“Was. He was a friend,” you correct her. You push back the memories of late night study sessions gone awry by Satoru shoving his phone in your face to show you some video in his recommended list. You ignore the creeping reminders of sharing shit-eating grins, waiting for the moment Suguru learned that you changed his autocorrect for chocolate into something stupid. “We haven’t been friends in years, we’re just old school acquaintances at this point. You know why I never told him about her. And I said it so he would have an out; he doesn’t need to stick around to be her father.”

“And what if she gets tired of you skirting around her questions about him?” Shoko shoots back without giving you a moment to reply that you would handle it if it ever got to the point that it became a problem. “You might be able to skirt around it now but when she gets older she is going to ask and ask and askー and she is going to keep on asking before she does research of her own! There was no way you’d be able to keep this a secret for the rest of her life, what were you planning to do then?!”

“... I was going to figure that out by then.”

“Right and that was going to go by so smoothly and Itsuki wouldn’t feel hurt or betrayed you took away the choice for her to get to know her dad. That could ruin your entire relationship with her.”

“You couldn’t have at least asked?!”

“You never let me! I’m sorry, I’m sorry I betrayed your trust and said things behind your back. I told him to at least let me call and tell you that he knew, but he wanted to meet Itsuki.”

“I just...” your back hit the wall and you slid to the floor, resting your head on your knees. “I don’t know what to do. I didn’t think I would ever see him again.”

There’s silence when Shoko hesitates to reply to your tired voice, “look, I get it. As much as I can try to get it, anyway.” There is only so much that your child-free doctor of a friend can relate to when it comes to your situation. Things worked out perfectly for her when she fucked a friend, Utahime and Shoko’s names were written in the stars. You only admit your envy on lonely nights when thoughts of university days past make a reappearance.

“Satoru is a lot of things. He’s a clown, he’s insufferable and he’s Gojou Satoru that’s enough trouble as it is,” much to your chagrin, you can’t help snorting at her comment. “But he should have a chance to get to know his daughter. You’re a great mom, you’ve been doing great without him. I’ve seen you handle everything, you even went back to school to get your degree. You’ve got the job, everything. I’m not trying to say you need his help, I just want you to be open to the idea of letting him get to know her.”

You think of Itsuki and her questions and the look of hurt that graced Satoru’s face earlier that afternoon. “I don’t want Itsuki to get attached to him only for him to take off,” but a bitter taste fills your mouth at your words. I’m only using Itsuki as an excuse, you can only admit to yourself. The one who doesn’t want to see her father is me.

Fearful you may have been, it was no excuse to keep her away from her father.

“If he does that, I’ll kill him myself. But he wants to be there,” Shoko promises, her voice the softest its been the entire conversation. “He wants to get to know her. She looks just like him.”

She does.

You grab a baby wipe, rolling your eyes in amusement, “Itsuki, you’re getting syrup all over your face, hold still,” gently, you wipe away the sugary mess on her face before it dries and becomes even stickier. Itsuki always leaves the table looking like she’s been off to war. “You definitely don’t get your messy eating habits from me. Let me clean your hands and the fork too.”

Itsuki’s eyes sparkle curiously, “is Daddy a messy eater?”

You look at your daughter, her white hair pulled into pigtails by pastel knockerballs and her blue eyes that sparkle with hope that you’ll have some sort of answer as to the mystery of her secret parent she doesn’t realize she’s already met. “Yeah,” you whisper softly, the ghost of smile on your lips. “He got pretty messy whenever we ate.”

“Really?”

“Yep, and he would always steal the chips out of my bag whenever he thought I wasn’t looking,” you smile knowingly. He isn’t the only one guilty of such a crime. “Kinda like how someone always takes extra bites out of my pudding cups when she thinks I’m not looking.” Itsuki erupts into giggles as you pinch her cheeks now free of syrup. “You really want to meet your papa, don’t you,” you ask almost weakly, resting your hand on the table.

With a nod of excitement, Itsuki answers your question with an unmistakable yes.

“What if Mommy brings Daddy to pick you up from daycare soon? Would you like that?”

Itsuki gasps in disbelief, “Really?!”

Your nerves don’t show as you grin in return, “really.”

The first few rings you wait for Satoru to pick up the phone later in the day are painful.

I should have just asked Shoko to do this, you pace anxiously in the employee parking lot of your job. A childish part of you wishes you had asked your friend seeing as she had already spilled the beans to you. But you remember the more than subtle tone in her voice when she mentioned the other day that Satoru’s number hadn’t changed in all the years you spent out of his life. He’s the father of your child, [First], you scold yourself. Get a grip.

A second later when he picks up the line, you almost hang up in a panic.

“... Hey, [First],” he sounds like he’s grinning but it lacks his usual bravado. “You didn’t change your number.”

“Neither did you,” you reply nervously, fiddling with the fabric of your uniform as the expected awkward silence filled the air. Five years ago, Satoru was one of the easiest people in the world to talk to. Annoying and arrogant at times, most of the times even, but still easy. He spoke his mind clearly; it’s hard reconciling that person with the silence on the other side of the phone. “I shouldn’t have kept Itsuki from you,” you finally begin. “And I shouldn’t have said what I did yesterday, you have a right to be mad at what I did. I’m sorry.”

Satoru’s sigh is slow, “why didn’t you tell me in all these years? If Shoko never said anything, were you really not going to tell me about her at all?”

“Can we not-”

“No, I get to know why you didn’t want to let me know I had a daughter,” Satoru’s voice hardens and you know that running away isn’t an option. Old habits seem to die hard. “You didn’t even tell me you were pregnant.”

“I was scared, okay?” Scared and pathetically in love with someone who didn’t want you back. “I didn’t know how you were going to react... and I didn’t know if you would want to be part of the baby’s life if I decided to keep it. We weren’t even a couple. I freaked out and thought this was best course of action.”

“I would have helped, I would have been there. We were friends, [First],” you can’t tell if he sounds more angry or sad with your younger self’s line of reasoning. “You really thought I would have let you done everything on your own? I would have had your back from day one.”

“.... I’m sorry, I can’t take it back but I’m sorry,” you rest your back against the side of your car. The breeze on your skin doesn’t calm you as much as you’d like.

Satoru sighs again and he’s quiet, contemplative and your heart races wondering what is going through his mind. Would he curse you? Maybe he would take you to court for his parental rights. Instead, Satoru peacefully asks, “what’s she like?”

“Adorable,” your lips quirk slightly at the thought of your child. “I’m pretty sure Shoko’s probably shown you some pictures, so you probably know that already.” Painfully adorable and the entire world knew it, it’s a blessing she isn’t nearly as much of a troublemaker as her father. If she were, you don’t doubt Itsuki would get away with most of her ‘crimes’. “She’s a sweet girl, if she sees a caterpillar on the neighbor’s strawberries, she’ll pick it up and ask if we can take it to the park so it can eat there instead.”

You both share a laugh at that. “She’s smart too, she just sucks things up like a sponge. And she’s popular at daycare, you know,” she gets it from her father, that is easy to admit. Satoru definitely surpasses everyone you know, yourself included, when it comes to attracting people to him. Even when he’s annoying you can’t help but be drawn in. “She’s good at making friends, always looks out for the ones there who have a harder time connecting with people.”

“It’s nice to know she got all her charm and good looks from me,” Satoru chuckles smugly. “It’s a no-brainer the people love her, I expect nothing less from my kid.”

“Oh shut up,” yet you can’t deny his claim. She is Gojou Satoru’s daughter through and through. “She’s a lovable kid; Itsuki was born for it.”

“Was Itsuki the only name in the running?”

“It’s a pretty name, isn’t it? There were others in the running though,” you count down on your fingers the various options you ultimately decided against. “Itsuki stuck out the best.”

“What characters did you use to write her name?”

“The characters for ‘Five’ and ‘Moon’,” you answer softly, remembering the various combinations you could have gone with. Ultimately, there was only one that you could have gone with. “I got the idea from your last name, I... I wanted her to have a part of you with her even if she didn’t know you.”

There’s a pause then a shaky breath. “Gojou Itsuki,” Satoru says finally, sounding a million miles away despite being just on the other line.

“She has my name,” you tell him gently.

“I know,” Satoru replies softly yet there’s a tinge of emotion you can’t quite place. Melancholy? Acceptance? Perhaps a little bit of both. “I just wanted to try it out.”

Silence falls over you both again and you hug yourself despite the sweltering heat of the afternoon. Shoko is right, your secret wasn’t one that was sustainable. “Do you,” your lips suddenly feel too dry and you lick your lips. “Do you want to pick her up from daycare with me today? She wants to meet you, she always has. She even asked about you this morning.”

He does. It shouldn’t surprise you that he does and it doesn’t. Still, your heart pounds when you see him show up at the daycare your daughter spends a large portion of her time at. “Hi,” you greet him nervously.

“Hey,” even though he’s grinning, his smile is a bit off kilter. A sugary pink bag hangs from one his arms. “I uh, didn’t know exactly what sort of things she like but I got her a present. You said she’s really into whale sharks, right? So I got her a plush.”

You don’t have the heart to tell him Itsuki already has five. She’d love his gift anyway. Maybe the one he got her would become her favorite.

“She might adore that more than you,” you joke but you give him a nod a beat later. “But don’t worry about what happened last time. She’ll be happy to see you in a better mood, she was worried about you when we left the park.” Maybe that was the father-daughter bond at work, or maybe it was your child’s empathetic nature.

Maybe both.

You already discussed things with him after he agreed to come meet her properly. He could get to know Itsuki, could even meet the daycare attendants. It would just be a while before you’d be able to trust him with being an emergency contact.

“Hey, Choso,” you wave at the man with pigtails. Intimidating as he looks, his daycare is surprisingly popular due to the low rates. He wanted a place where his youngest brother could grow up happily with his friends. “This,” you start before Choso can question you, gesturing to Satoru. “... This is Itsuki’s father. You’ll uh, probably see him coming around a lot more when I pick her up from now.”

There’s a lengthy pause.

“Nice to meet you,” Choso’s tone says otherwise. If it were possible, Choso’s face would be place right under the definition of judgement. He is definitely deeming Satoru a deadbeat that was finally crawling out from the woodworks.

Satoru ignores it with the air of confidence he didn’t have a few minutes ago outside, “thanks for looking after my kid while [First] was busy. I haven’t been around but I’m hoping to make up for all the lost time.”

You doubt that was meant to be a dig, you still take it as one. “Itsuki’s playing with Yuuji and the rest of their friends right now. You’ll see her at the playground,” he gestures at the infant in his hands. “I have a diaper to change.”

“Don’t worry, I got it,” you wave. “And tell Kechizu that he needs to stop cooking better than me. The other day Itsuki said she liked his lunches more than mine.” That manages to get a snicker out of the man.

“Itsuki!” You call out once you’re on the playground and you see her eyes light up with recognition and a ‘Mommy!’ Even funnier is her little excited jig before she runs over to hug you although she stops as she recognizes the man beside you.

She glances between the two of you and you smile reassuringly. “Why are you getting so shy? Don’t you remember what I promised at breakfast?”

Itsuki’s eyes widen and her jaw drops wordlessly. You suppose she might not have truly been expecting you’d make good on your promise. At least, definitely not so soon.

“Itsuki, this is Satoru, your father,” you tell her gently, smile small. “Although I suppose, you already met him yesterday. It just didn’t go at all the way it was supposed to.” But what was done was done; Itsuki deserved to know her father. You wouldn’t take away that choice because of your own fears anymore.

“Daddy?” Itsuki asks Satoru, voice just above a whisper.

Satoru nods, settling down on one knee to look her in those familiar blue eyes. “That’s right, kiddo,”

“Daddy?!” Itsuki hops in disbelief, looking between the two of you before her eyes settle on yours again. “It’s really Daddy?!” You aren’t sure if Itsuki knows whether she wants to cry or run away in disbelief that this moment is finally happening.

You knelt beside your old friend, “say hi to your father, Itsuki.”

The tears suddenly well in her eyes but despite Satoru’s panicked voice, you can tell they aren’t sad ones as Itsuki throws her arms over Satoru’s shoulders. And if your eyes are warmer than they were a few moments ago, you don’t mind it as you watch you’re daughter hug her father for the first time.

Itsuki adores Satoru, that’s what you learn in the span of a single afternoon. And yes, she does love the whale shark plush he got her more than the other five you already purchased. She cried even harder when he hugged her back, softly promising he wasn’t going anywhere. That he’d always be there and he would come see her as much as she wanted.

She adores how he took her out for ice cream before dinner and how even after dinner, he purchased even more dessert.

He was weak to her with no immunity built up over the past five years.

This was why he couldn’t say no when she pleaded he stayed over to at least watch a movie with her before bedtime. Not that you had any room to talk considering how easily you agreed.

“So she had to get Merlin’d?” Satoru asks incredulously as the credits roll across the screen.

“That is not what was supposed to happen, the beautiful girl is subjective to the one who got cursed!” You tell him, flabbergasted that that was the conclusion he came to. Red Shoes and the Seven Dwarves is far more than a comedy. It’s social commentary! “Not to mention the body positive message it sends with the fact that shoes represent societal standards of beauty along with the objectification and idolization Snow experiences while wearing them which further supported the fact that had she had gone to the F7 as herself they wouldn’t have he-”

“Nope, too late. I like my idea better,” you could strangle this man.

“You’re going to ruin Itsuki’s perception of love,” you shoot Satoru a look of amusement and annoyance. At the very least, you know he enjoyed it.

“Good, I don’t need some snot-nosed brat trying to win over my kid that’s obviously aroace,” Satoru says firmly as he picks up your very much fell-asleep-before-the-movie-ended daughter. It’s almost uncanny how natural it looks to you, like he had been around from the start. He probably should have been. You were the one who took that choice from him and made him an unintentional deadbeat.

“Satoru, she’s five and doesn’t even know what that means yet,” you say instead, Satoru oblivious to the thoughts running around your head. One day you’d tell Itsuki the truth, once she was a little older.

“What? She told me she was aroace when I asked earlier today,” Satoru tells you petulantly, moving away when you try to hold her.

“Only because you told her you’d give her ice cream if she agreed to be,” ice cream she wasn’t even supposed to eat because it would spoil her appetite for dinner in a moment you weren’t supposed to see. “It means you’ll love Daddy forever and think everyone else is gross,” Satoru happily exclaimed, holding a cup of Itsuki’s favorite salted cookie dough ice cream. The five year old happily obliged to his whims.

Maybe Satoru will be right in his hopeful predictions that romance will be the last thing on your daughter’s mind in the future thought. On the other hand, maybe he’d be dead wrong and forced to tolerate whoever she brings home in the future.

“They’re just like you, Dad, but they’re brilliant!” She’ll say, hearts in her eyes.

You almost wanted to manifest the opposite of his wishes, only to see the face Satoru would make. It is far too early to be thinking about such things however.

“I don’t want my kid to date anyone, sue me. So I’m manifesting early,” Satoru pouts as he starts takes her to her room to lay her across her bed.

“You’re so stupid,” you roll your eyes and shake your head in exasperation, but a look of fondness is apparent in your expression.

Maybe you were born to see this moment, the moment you could see that Gojou Satoru is absolutely smitten with his daughter. You can see it in how he presses a kiss to the temple of her forehead as he takes her to his room.

Itsuki was born to be loved, she makes it too easy just by being herself. Suddenly your fears from before felt unfounded. You knew underneath the rejection of Satoru in your life that he would have been there and he would have been more than happy to shoulder the burdens of parenthood even in a platonic way. You stop yourself from wondering what that path might have looked like. You made your choice and this is path you’re on now, there is no other way but forward.

“I’ll have you know,” Satoru points a finger gun at you smugly when he returns, child-free, “my kid thinks I’m the smartest man in the world. So one of you is lying and I know it’s not her.”

“Your kid is biased and spoiled from snacks and gifts,” you retort softly with a grin.

“I don’t hear the voices of the naysayers praying for my downfall, sorry,” you both release a chuckle at your exchange and a comfortable silence falls between you both. “I should probably get going I guess.”

You smile at him politely, “we should do this again sometime, I wanna see what else in our movie collection Itsuki will have you watch next.”

Satoru grins, “it better be the Digimon reboot DVD set I saw in the corner,” he pauses before asking you seriously, “our kid does like Digimon, right?”

“You’ll be happy to know that her favorites are Palmon, Kokomon and Wormmon in that order,” you tell him smugly. How could he think otherwise? Did he forget who you were? “The plushies are just in the toy chest she has at the foot of her bed.”

Your child had to be a fan of Digimon, she had no other choice.

Pt 2 Here

translation:

五月 five moons

五 five (same character in Gojou 五条)

月 moon

#look she's writing #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen x reader #gojo x reader #gojou x reader #satoru gojo x reader #baby daddy gojou au #this came to me in a discord conversation and it wouldn't leave my mind so i had to write it because it is messy #this was getting so long it has to be split

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sicily-cece · 4 months

Text

She died so I died with her

Description: when Mc’s best friend had died, a part of Mc had died with her.

TW: death, cussing, comfort? (If that really is a tw)

Obey me Lucifer x fem! reader

_____________________________________

Mc’s pov:

I’m losing myself; I can’t bring myself to eat, sleep, or move in general.

I haven’t looked in the mirror but I can imagine what I looked like. Messy hair tossed and knotted and every which way, eyebags, and lifeless eyes.

I’ve been staring at my blank white wall for days that bragged on longer than normal. The brothers would knock on my door to tell me that dinner is ready.

They never asked me if I was okay because they knew that I wasnt. My best friend had died and I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye.

And worst of all; I had to hear it from Lucifer rather than her family. Vivian was her name, but we all called her vivi.

she was the most gorgeous girl; Black hair that went down her back, ocean blue eyes that would light up when she got excited over little stuff, and she was extremely kind and sweet to overs. Too bad they weren’t kind to her back.

She had a shit life since we were kids. Her dad was always yelling and screaming with the occasional throwing stuff, Her mom didn’t like her as a person, but loved her because that was her daughter.

We had everything planned out since we were 15. We would change our identities when we turned 18 and move countries and disappear. Well I disappeared to hell, while she had her life disappear.

I haven’t been myself. When vivi died a piece of me died with her. I didn’t strive to live anymore but didn’t have the strength to kill myself; So I survived.

_____________________________________

I heard a knock on my door, I didn’t move and I didn’t say anything. I knew that it was my boyfriend, Lucifer but I couldn’t seem to care.

I was so focused on the picture of me and vivi before I left for hell. When we were 19, I saw a glimpse of what could have happened if I wasn’t dragged to hell for a stupid exchanged program.

I heard Lucifer sigh and open my door. I left the worry linger in his stare, I knew he was sitting at his desk worring about me.

He didn’t say anything, he just sat at the foot of my bed. He looked at me like I was glass that was about to break.

I could hear the brothers from my room. they’ve been loud and normally I’m loud with them but I can’t stand it; not while I’m grieving the loss of my best friend.

He knew the noise was bothering me, it was like he could read my mind. He knew me like the back of his hand. Her gently picked me and the blanket up.

I didn’t protest, I didn’t move, I just let him carry me. But the familiar scent of my boyfriend was comforting at the very least.

I heard the brothers quiet down when Lucifer carried me down the stairs. I felt the pain that they felt, the worry to know if I’m okay. I couldn’t see their facial expressions since my face was in Lucifer’s chest.

I knew asmo, beel, and mammon are on the verge of crying for me, satan was probably frowning with a worried look, belphie looked like he didn’t care but if you looked in his eyes, you’ll know that he feels my pain. Levi was internally freaking out and it shows.

Lucifer nor I said anything to them as he walked past. He opened the door and sat me on his bed. It familiar room, cursed records that produced soft music, the overall look of his room was so comforting to me but not comforting enough.

He slid next to me and held me tightly like I was going to disappear. I knew I was safe, I knew that I could cry and scream as loud as I wanted and he wouldn’t judge.

So I did, I cried. I was sobbing,my throat hurt, my eyes are all puffy and red, I’m grabbing onto his shirt like if I let go then he would disappear too.

And he made a ‘sh’ sound while rubbing my back, the only way he knew of comforting me.

It worked, I was still crying but I wasn’t sobbing, hiccuping, or trying to breath because it felt like my lungs aren’t getting enough oxygen.

I eventually fell asleep and Lucifer never left. I knew that we I left this room, I would be bombarded with questions and concerns by the other 6 brothers. But I wasn’t thinking about that. I was thinking about how grateful I am for a loving boyfriend.————————————————————————————————————

This is my first fanfic that I’ve ever made so I’m sorry if it’s trash but I hoped you enjoyed the angst 😋🫶🏻

#angst #obey me #obey me lucifer #lucifer x reader #obey me lucifer x reader #fanfic #tumblr fyp #fypシ #obey me asmodeus #obey me leviathan #obey me beelzebub #obey me satan #obey me mammon #obey me belphegor

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doodling-doodle · 5 months

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Hunter And Hunted (CH.2)

Ch.1

It had been a month since Alex had given him his joy back.

They had been hiding their meetups for a while. Seeing each other every few days, when Kyle wasn't working or his dad's around…

They were hidden perfectly

---

“There you are.” Alex said softly as Kyle walked into the barn, walking up to him

“Hey… Sorry I took a few days… Work.” Kyle said, and Alex just held onto him

“You don’t need to worry, dove.” Alex whispered, pulling Kyle with him into the barn to sit down, ‘I’m just glad you came back.”

“You… make me happy… I have to keep coming back.” Kyle said softly.

Alex smiled, “You make me happy, too.” He said, gently taking a few of Kyle’s loose braids and tucking them behind his ear

Kyle smiled softly, leaning on him, “Why do they say Vampires are so bad? You… You are so kind…”

“Becuase of our past. I’ll admit that my people have not done great things in the past… But one of those things is why I’m even here today.” Alex said, “We were bad. The war with Werewolves stemmed from that. But we’ve changed. We learned from mistakes.”

“As we all do…” Kyle said, “I… My parents can’t know about you-”

“They never will. I will keep us safe, my dove, I promise.”

Kyle smiled softly, holding onto Alex tight, feeling just how cold his skin was, “Just… promise me you’ll stay safe. I know hunters and packs are everywhere in this area… just be safe…”

“I will. I promise my love… Promise me you’ll be safe from Clans… There’s only two Vampire clans in the area, but… They can grow.”

“What do you mean…?”

“We know how to hide and cover our scents from werwolves… We can live with humans and go unnoticed… We get attached.” Alex said, “Some… may not be able to resist the thought of having their friend or lover with them… forever.”

“Turn them into vampires…?” Kyle asked

“Yes… You might not be able to tell who’s a vampire and who isn’t.” Alex said, gently holding his face, “My dove… I just want to keep you safe.”

He smiled, holding Alex’s hands there, “I’ll be safe. I promise.”

“Good…” he softly kissed Kyle’s head, moving down to his lips slowly.

Kyle was melting in Alex’s touch. It didn’t matter how many times Alex had kissed him, it always just made him explode in joy… He was never touch starved, but he was starved of… love…genuine love.

He had been in a single relationship in his life. A relationship that ended horribly. His ex had brought him down so much. Tore up his self-esteem. Made sure he thought no one would love him.

“Oh please, your pathetic.”

“Stop crying, your making yourself look stupid.”

“Do you want me to look bad??”

“You gonna go around telling people I hit you for your next stunt for attention?”

He only broke up with him after he threatened him… with a knife. He left him in the middle of the night, never spoke to him again.

It killed him. He was so sure he wasn’t lovable anymore…

But now… A vampire made him feel so loved, with a single touch, and a passionate kiss.

He nearly whined when Alex pulled away, looking up at him.

“I love you…” Kyle mumbled, falling against Alex’s chest.

He felt arms wrap around him, and a hand go through his hair

“I love you too…”

His eyelids suddenly got really heavy… He didn’t realize when he had closed his eyes until he did.

…

he lightly whimpered as he opened his eyes, feeling so relaxed and as if he'd been sleeping for days. It wasn't his bed. It wasn't his blankets.

Oh yeah. He fell asleep in the barn with Alex last night. He must be in Alex's house.

But why did a vampire have a bed?

He felt a soft hand on his shoulder, gently kneading it, and whispers

"You're gorgeous when you're asleep. I wish you could see it... I wish you knew just how beautiful you were. Through my eyes."

It was Alex

He felt a soft kiss to his cheek, and he smiled softly.

"My love?" Alex asked, "was that a smile? Are you awake?"

He nodded softly, not opening his eyes. Fuck, the bed was comfy

"What... are you doing with a bed...?" He mumbled

"For you. Your bed is... not the best, I know. I got one for when you finally stayed over."

He smiled softly, "an air mattress would've satisfied me."

"Not good enough. My love, you act as though you don't deserve nice things. I am spoiling you. You need it."

He smiled, melting into the bed and realizing he was in a oversized hoodie.

"Aren't you hungry, my dear?" Alex asked, concerned, "I was planning on getting you a treat. Please?"

He whined, "later... I want cuddles..."

"of course, my love. Anything for you."

He smiled, cuddling into the coolness of Alex's chest

He mumbled something

"What was that, darling?" Alex asked, tilting his head up

"I'm glad I stayed..."

It was barely coherent

But Alex smiled softly at it

"So am I, darling."

#call of duty #cod mwii #call of duty modern warfare #kyle gaz garrick #alex keller #john price #phillip graves #gazalex #alexgaz #graves x price #price x graves #gaz x alex #hunter and hunted au

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daydreamgoddess14 · 1 year

Text

Everything More Than Anything pt. 1

Sydney Adamu x Carmy Berzatto, R rated in future chapters.

Syd works out what she needs to do to get those stars she's dreaming of. Carmy works out what he needs to do to support her.

Full Masterlist

Sydcarmy Masterlist

Chapter 1

In case there’s ever any doubt, knocking on your boss/partner’s door at 3am is never a good idea. Especially when you didn’t actually say goodbye until way past midnight. And he drove you home, and you’ve since undone that goodwill by getting up and walking to his apartment in the middle of the night… Syd considered. Sure, she had pepper spray and a swiss army knife, but she knew this would make him mad as hell. Still, she didn’t care. It wasn’t just a spur of the moment decision either. She’d undertaken specific, strategic research… and then she’d also tossed and turned for the best part of three hours until it became crystal clear what she needed to do, and she didn’t want to wait til 7am to have to tell him.

She’d taken food to Marcus. Trying to make amends, bury a hatchet, get back into his good books… whatever it was, she did it via the route she knew best. Through food. She’d taken the most gorgeous tagine over, warmed it for him, and sat while he ate. Still stilted, their conversation didn’t flow as naturally as it usually did. Their silences stretched out into awkwardness rather than comfort. She was almost relieved when he went to check on his mom, leaving her alone in the kitchen and nursing a mountain of couscous. His phone on the counter had rumbled across the surface with a call. LUCA, the screen flashed. She answered it almost on autopilot, “Hey man, how you doin’?” The figure on the phone wasn’t looking to the camera but at what looked like a tray of perfectly identical pastry cases. He did a double take at the sound of her voice.

“Uhhh hi. Marcus is just out of the room, he’ll be back in a sec?”

“You must be Sydney?” He grinned, she could have cursed, another pretty blond boy and their… eyes. Excellent.

“I am, Luca? Nice to meet you, kinda.”

“You too. Kinda. Have you been looking after my good friend Marcus?”

“Well. I’m trying,” his frown matched hers,

“Everything ok?”

“Long story. I’m sure you’ll hear his side of it.” “I already have.”

“Ahh,”

“He’ll be ok.” He assured her. She suddenly felt a desperate need to change the subject,

“So you knew baby Carmy, huh?”

“Yeah, we were just scruffy kids. I was scruffier.”

“I find that very hard to believe.” She replied with an arched eyebrow,

“S’true. And I got more deranged the harder I tried to keep up with him.” He laughed. Something fired in Syd’s brain,

“Say more?”

“I was telling Marcus when he was here. I thought I was the shit, y’know? The golden balls. Then, I had a few days trying to keep up with Carmen, and I was in pieces. Spent the rest of my time watching, learning… trying to keep up with him. It made me a good chef, and I got a really good mate out of it as well. Eventually, anyway. Once we’d stopped trying to kill each other.”

“You didn’t get better than him?”

“Nooo, god no. Not better than him. No one is better than him. Except maybe you, from what I’ve heard.”

“Heard from who?” She asked curiously.

“Marcus, Terry… the man himself.”

“Now I know that’s a lie, he doesn’t answer his phone.” She cackled.

“He does to a select few. The important people in his life.” She thought back to the last few times she’d called Carmy since he’d emerged from the walk-in. Just stupid ‘what about this?’ kind of calls. He’d picked up before the first ring had even completed every time, answered every text. “We all talk, you know? Not all that often, but we keep up. It’s one thing we’ve never lost from our time with Terry. It’s like she honed in on the fact that we both had shit relationships with our parents and made sure we had her instead.”

“She sounds nice. I was really fucking jealous when Richie got to stage for her.”

“Nah, you should catch her for a cuppa - it’s much more fun. No milk, no sugar.” He advised. “So, I also know through the grapevine that you’re chasing stars?” Syd rolled her eyes, making a mental note to kill Marcus. Or Carmy. One of them, at least.

“He’s such a little gossip!” She grumbled, “I just think it would be nice.”

“It would, you should go for it. And from what I’ve heard, The Bear is capable of getting them. I’m looking forward to a visit - there’s only so many times I can listen to how good you are. Plus it’s been a long time since Carm cooked for me.” Marcus came back through and took in Syd on the phone to Luca,

“Well, you’ll be welcome anytime. Marcus is here, I’ll let you off the hook now. It was good to meet you.”

“You too. Good luck with the stars.” She handed the phone over to Marcus and went back to her couscous, her mind ticking over.

~~~~~

The conversation with Luca had set things in motion in her brain. Three days later, she found herself loitering outside Ever on her way to work. Every day for a week she took the same route until she saw a figure emerge.

“Excuse me?”

“We don’t have any job openings. Check the website.”

“I’m not here for a job. My… friend, Richie, did a week here a few weeks ago? And my business partner, Carmen, knows Chef Terry and -”

“You’re Sydney?” Her jaw dropped,

“Uhh… yeah? I mean, yes, I didn’t mean that as a question,” she stammered, “that is me, I am her.”

“Richie talked about you a lot, and of course I know of Carmen. I’m Garrett.” The young man held out his hand and shook hers. “You coming in? I take it you’re here to see Chef Terry?” He asked, holding the door open on his way back inside. Though taken aback, Syd didn’t hesitate in following him. He gave her a whistle stop tour of the restaurant and kitchens before leaving her with Jess briefly.

“How’s Richie?”

“He’s good. Really good, actually.” “We miss him. Tell him I said hi?”

“Of course. You guys should come for dinner?” Syd invited,

“Oh god, absolutely. Garrett, Syd said we should go to The Bear.”

“We definitely should. Terry can’t see you today, she said she’s sorry, but she’s got a free hour tomorrow morning if you wanted to help her prep?”

“Yes. Of course, I’ll be here. 6am?”

“Perfect. I’ll meet you outside.” She gave Jess a small wave and continued on to The Bear to start her day. The conversation with Luca and the quick preview of Ever buzzing in her mind, she felt like a bundle of nerves all day.

“Cariño, you good?” Tina asked as Syd’s knife narrowly missed her finger on its way to the onion she was making a poor attempt at chopping.

“Yeah, T. I’m fine.”

“Boy trouble?” She could feel Carmy, Richie and Ebra all raise their eyes as inconspicuously as possible. Thank fuck Marcus was at an appointment with his mother and Fak was under the pot wash sink.

“Fuck no. No time for that, mama.” She smiled down at Tina who was glaring at Ebra.

“Baby, you should make time for that. You’re like… buzzing. You should get laid.”

“Maybe she should keep buzzin’ an’ that’s the answer!” Richie called over,

“Ay, mind your business Richard! I ain’t talking to you right now, I’m trying to make sure this lady is getting what she needs.” Tina pointed at Richie with her knife.

“I’m just sayin’! She don't need a man, right Syd? Just some decent batteries.”

“Richie, shut the fuck up please. Tina, can we not be having this conversation right now?”

“Hey, it’s all good - you have needs, we all have needs. Might help you relax a little, y’know what I’m sayin’? You're very on edge.” Tina clicked her tongue between her teeth with a wicked grin. Syd scooped up her onions and dumped them into the empty container.

“Behind.” She stuck her tongue out childishly at Tina and moved around her to the walk-in. With the onions on a shelf, she brought her hands up to her flushed cheeks. Eternally grateful her blushes weren’t broadcast to the world, only she could feel how hot her face felt. She fanned herself with her hand and took a minute.

“Behind, Chef.” Carmy stepped into the chiller with a container of mushrooms. “You ok?”

“Yeah, fine. Good to know there’s no escape from the probing mother figure. Poor Louis.” She grimaced at the thought of Tina’s teenage son trying to hide his sex life from her.

“She’s just looking out for you.”

“I mean, I’m pretty sure then that she wouldn’t be encouraging… the things that she’s encouraging. But whatever. Either way, I still have no time.” Syd mused before realizing that they were still on Tina’s topic of conversation. “Thank fuck no one knows when I’m blushing.” She muttered, hand on the door to leave,

“I do.”

“Sorry?”

“I can tell when you’re embarrassed. You uhh become very interested in your shoes, and you pull your collar.” He explained, reaching out to put her jacket collar back into place. Her hands were fighting to stay away from it. True to form though, her shoes became very interesting indeed.

“Didn’t know you were some kind of fuckin’ body language expert,” she huffed a laugh and left him in the walk-in.

~~~~~

The following morning, Syd waited outside with three takeout cups. As Garrett pushed the door, she handed him one.

“Coffee, to thank you for this.” “Nothing to thank me for. Come with me.” He raised the cup in salute and guided her down the previous day's familiar corridors.

“Sydney Adamu. I’ve been looking forward to meeting you.” A cheerful voice said as she rounded the corner. Garrett had disappeared already.

“Chef Terry, it’s… it’s an honor to meet you.” Syd put the takeout cups down and held out her hand, only to be pulled into a warm hug.

“You too, darling. Grab a sprig, we’re doing rosemary and basil.” She pointed to the bench where there was already a space out for Syd.

“Thank you. I got you tea - no milk, no sugar.”

“Then it’s perfect. And very kind of you, thank you.” Syd picked up a bunch of rosemary and set about plucking the tiny leaves from the stalks. “I don’t pull them or drag them, I want the leaf to remain perfect.” Terry explained to Syd. “So tell me, how’s my boy doing?”

“Carmy? Well, I don’t know what your baseline is -”

“He was working for me shortly after his mother drove a car into their dining room.”

“Oh,” Syd realized she didn’t know that story, that there was so much she didn’t know. “Pretty low then?” “Pretty low,” Terry smiled.

“He managed to get locked in our walk-in on our soft open night a few weeks ago.”

“An interesting ploy to get out of appearing in front of the diners.” She chuckled. “Hmm. Broke up with his girlfriend while he was in there.”

“Ouch.”

“And since then, touch wood,” Syd brought a hand to her head like her mother had used to do, “he’s been better, I think? Calmer, more present. Like he’s really trying.”

“There’s a very big difference between the way he used to work in New York to the way I know he wants to work.”

“Yeah, we both don’t want that toxic, shouty,”

“Aggressive, demeaning,”

“All of that - we don’t want that, like, at all.” Syd emphasized, “sometimes it feels impossible, but we’re trying.”

“He’s told me about all of you, you know? How much he cares for you all and believes in you.”

“I think he needs to understand how much we want that for him too?” Syd paused with a sprig of Rosemary in her hand. Terry did the same with her knife hovering over a bunch of basil. “I swear he thinks he’s still alone, and he’s trying to keep all the plates spinning and… it’s a lot.”

“I agree.” She said finally. “It’s hard to convince someone they deserve to be loved or that they're not alone.” She said ruefully. “Is that why you’re here?”

“No. Yes? I’m not really sure. Luca suggested I meet you.” Syd shrugged,

“Ahh, my other brilliant young man. That reminds me, I need to call him.”

“He’d heard that I want us to go for stars at The Bear.”

“Well, I can’t advise you on how to get them, exactly.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t expect you to.” Syd assured her, “I guess I want to understand Carmy better? We seem to have this… unspoken language, and I want to build on it, and there’s so much I want to learn from him, but also I want him to learn as well? Sometimes, I feel like I should try and be more patient with him, but then he does stupid stuff that makes me want to kill him.”

“Oh I know that feeling all too well! The best thing you can do is to make your relationship airtight. The stars we earned here were earned together because we listened to each other and learned from each other.” Syd nodded in agreement,

“Exactly. He kept telling me the stars were bullshit, we didn’t need them, and why would I want them. Like I’m the only one who wants them.”

“There’s nothing wrong with ambition, Sydney. In fact, it suits you beautifully.” Syd smiled, bashful under Terry’s praise.

“I want them for both of us. I kind of want them so that I can use them to beat Carmy with for the rest of our lives to say, I dunno, ‘look what we can achieve when we believe in each other’? Because I do, I believe in him.” She said earnestly.

“I can tell.”

“He spoke to everyone I’d worked for in the past to understand why I wanted to work at the Beef.”

“Did he find the answer he was looking for?”

“I don’t know.”

“And what is the answer?”

“I wanted to work with him.” Terry smiled knowingly.

“Yes. He certainly has that effect.” She set down her knife and picked up her tea instead. “Keep doing what you’re doing, Sydney. He’s a total pain in the arse sometimes, but he’s worth the work.”

“Oh he is absolutely the biggest pain in my ass. Even more than Richie most of the time.” Terry laughed,

“You seem to have a good handle on them. Here, come and see this before I have to go,” she took Syd’s arm and led her down a walkway between the kitchen areas to a photograph on the wall of Carmy and Luca. “My lost boys. I am immensely proud of them.” She said fondly.

“He’s worth the work.” Syd said firmly, mostly to herself.

“He is. And so are you. I cannot wait to try your food. He tells me you’re the best he’s ever seen.” Syd scoffed,

“Oh, be serious right now.”

“I am, darling. I promise. He believes in you. I don’t think those stars are too far out of reach.” She patted Syd’s arm. “Now, I have to get back to work. Thank you for the tea. I hope you got what you needed from our time together?”

“I think I did, thank you, Chef Terry. Thank you for making time for me.”

“I would say anytime, but we both know that’s impossible in this profession. I’ll just say don’t be a stranger instead.”

“You too. He’d love to see you at The Bear, we both would.” As if by magic, Garrett appeared at the end of the corridor. Terry hugged Syd once more and disappeared around the corner.

“Nice morning?”

“Why does it feel like I just met the Wizard of Oz? Or, like, Willy Wonka? How is she so cool and mysterious?” He smiled as he showed her out,

“She’s Terry. She’s the best and she likes looking after the people she cares about. It was great to meet you, Syd. We’ll see you again soon.” He closed the door, leaving the building looking like an impenetrable fortress.

~~~~~

She rattled through another day at The Bear on edge, trying to decipher the things she’d learned over the course of the last couple of weeks. On the third attempt of placing a tiny flower onto a starter plate, she threw her tweezers with a groan of frustration.

"Ugggh, fuck me!"

“Breathe mija, breathe.” Tina set a hand on her arm. Syd nodded and stepped back while Tina gently dropped the flower into place.

“Hands please.” Syd called out once the plate was completed, throwing a grateful look to her Sous.

“Try tellin’ me you don’t need an earth shakin’, mind blowing -”

“Tina, I beg you, do not finish that sentence.” Syd dragged her collar away from her neck,

“Works wonders for your concentration.” The older woman wiggled her eyebrows.

“Please. Stop.” Syd hissed as Tina moved onto her next task. With a heavy sigh, she locked eyes with Carmy on the expo as he tried to hide a smile behind his hand. “Don’t you fucking start.” She warned.

And now here she was at 3am on Carmy’s doorstep. Another night owl had let her into the main building as they headed out for a run so she’d tiptoed up five flights of stairs and knocked loudly enough to wake him but not so loud it was disruptive to anyone else. The door flung open before she’d dropped her hand and he was pulling on a jacket,

“Woah, fuck -”

“Are you… are you going out? At 3am?”

“I was coming to see you. Wait, how’d you get here?” “Walked?”

“At 3am?” He pulled her into the apartment by her elbow. “Anything could have happened to you?”

“Why were you coming to see me?” She asked defiantly. “Why were you coming to see me?” He replied, avoiding the question completely.

“I need you,” she pleaded. His eyebrows shot up to his hairline,

“Is this… is this about what Tina was saying?” He asked quietly.

“What? No! Oh my god, Carmen! Is that why you think I’m here right now?”

“It’s 3am, Syd. It’s a pretty reasonable guess?”

“No, it is not a reasonable guess! There is… there is nothing reasonable about that guess!” Syd looked mortified.

“Well, look. Okay, thanks for that - thanks a lot -”

“Wait, I didn’t mean that it would be, like, horrible or anything! I didn’t say that, I’m sure it would be great…” She wrung her hands and sighed, trailing off into embarrassment. “Let me start over?” He nodded.

“Good idea.”

“Hi, sorry to disturb you at 3am. I had an epiphany, and I needed your help.”

“I was up anyway. What can I do?”

"I know what I need to do for us to get those stars," she held her hands up as he started to protest, "I know, we don't need them, they're bullshit, blah blah blah."

"Blah blah blah?"

"I know what you're going to say, Carm. I know you think they're worthless"

"You know a lot, huh?" He said with a smile.

"More than you give me credit for." She retorted.

"Syd -"

"Carm. Please. I don't want it for me, I want it for us. I want it because we deserve it and we worked for it."

"What's your epiphany?"

"I need to care about everything, more than anything,” He arched an eyebrow,

“Well… yeah, I distinctly remember telling you that already?”

“I need to learn from you. Like, not just learn, I need to do what Luca did. Get better just by being near you." Both of his hands threaded through his hair and came to rest behind his head. She felt her stomach swoop. “I need to shadow you or something -”

"You are better. You don't need me, Syd."

"I do. I really do. I want you to help me make sure that we do this right. I get you've done the whole suffering for your art thing, but I want us and our team to thrive, not suffer." He fell quiet and watched her closely. "I don't want us to go through the same shit we went through before. We do this right and learn from each other and that is how we care about it more than anything else - by caring for everyone in it." He nodded.

"Family style. A good, supportive family."

"Yes!” She beamed, “Yes, exactly.”

“OK.”

“And I'm gonna pretty much live in your pocket and you're gonna get so sick of me spending every fucking waking hour with you -"

"I said OK. And I won't get sick of you. Fuck, move in if that's what it takes."

"Seriously?"

"We will do whatever it takes and we'll do it together. But I swear to god, Syd, while you're watching for fucking stars I'm gonna be watching you. Y'hear me? The second you're not eating or sleeping, I'm gonna be on your ass and we stop. And it takes as long as it takes. It’s not a goddamn race."

"Fine, yes. I'm in."

"It's not gonna be easy?" He warned. "Gets harder every year."

"Good. I know we can do it." He dropped his arms to his sides with a shrug.

"Ok. Where'dya want to start?"

~~~~~

Phew! This is probably the longest I've gone without posting anything since the early summer! 😅 I couldn't hold off any longer. Fandom seems so quiet at the moment with shows finishing and others on a break... Just trying to keep us all busy and content until we have news!

Let me know what you think, would love so much to hear from you! 💜

#the bear fx #sydcarmy #sydcarmy fic #sydcarmy fanfic #syd x carmy #carmy x syd #carmy x sydney #carmen x sydney #sydney adamu #syd adamu #syd x carmen #sydney x carmy #carmy berzatto #carmen berzatto

50 notes · View notes

dirtybitfic · 1 month

Text

Company pt5

(last part to this series)

The next morning we had woken up and spent most of the day going to different wineries and vineyard tasting many different flavors and soaking up the sun and the beauty of France.

Me and Matt have grown so close over this trip and i'm so happy but I still have that small voice in my head telling me that this relationship is wrong and that it's not going to last.

The last couple of days we had left of our trip were spent lounging around on the beach , going on boat rides, eating delicious food at there most beautiful restaurants, amazing sex like A LOOOT of amazing sex , and deep conversations about life and past things we've been through .

Today we are headed back home and honestly i'm sad , if I could stay in France for the rest of my life I would . We're are settling in on the jet when I get an email from the producers of the campaign video . " Matt come here I just got an email from the campaign producer" I say patting the seat next to me. " That was pretty fast" he says kind of shocked how quickly they had pieced it together. " I know god I don't know why i'm so nervous to watch it " I say as I play with my necklace nervously. " It'll be great now come on I wanna watch my girl look beautiful in a commercial" he says making me blush and smile .

I open the email reading over it . The producer said it's almost fully done but wanted to get our input before finalizing all the details and releasing it . I watch in awe as Les filles desir by Vendredi sur mer plays through the speakers . We both watch as the video plays out , the scenes look so perfect I still cant get over how I actually pulled it off but I couldn't be more happy with how the commercial turned out. It ends and we both look at each other smiling " wow that was..." I say shocked " Yeah I mean wow its amazing" matt says and I nod in agreement . " I honestly have no feedback its perfect" I say and he nods " Yeah me neither I think its as perfect as can be" he says and I smile "great ill let them know its definitely ready to go" I say as I shoot and email back to him and thanking him for being an amazing producer.

We both fall asleep through the flight watching a movie . When we land we get our bags back into Matts car thats waiting for us and drive back to my apartment . The second I get in we both throw our bags down and I hop onto my bed laying down on the plush comforter smiling as I sink into it. " Im exhausted " I say as I yawn . " I know this jet lag is going to kill us both" Matt says as he flops down next to me . I look over at him smiling and he smiles back. " I really enjoyed being in France with you Matt it was truly an amazing experience " I say and he smiles wider " Im glad you enjoyed it and i'm glad we got to spend time together you're an amazing woman" He says and I blush burying my face in the comforter. " How about I order some food and we can watch some movies we won't be working for the next week so we can realign our sleep schedules " he says and I smile and nod " That sounds perfect" I say as I get up and start unpacking

Skip 8 months

Me and Matt are now fully dating , Ive sadly stopped working as his assistant strictly because of company rules and policies that would be effected and broken by our relationship. I've moved in with Matt and have a night job working as a bartender at a club . Matt said I didn't need to work because I mean obviously he has more money than he'd ever know what to do with but I said I needed something to keep me busy . I enjoy bartending its fun especially the people watching . I work with one of my best friends Ella which definitely makes it more enjoyable , we just fuck around and talk while working .

I just got off a shift when Matt pulls up in the parking lot opening my door for me to get in. " Hi gorgeous how was work ?" he asks I smile "Good my feet are killing me though these heels may look good but they definitely don't feel good" I say as I slump into my seat . " I'll give you a deep massage when we get home how does that sound?" he asks and I nod my head quickly " Yes please , but how was your day?" I ask and he shakes his head " My new assistant fucked up a couple of my meeting schedules today and it was a mess so I had to fire her " he says and I shake my head " i'm sorry I mean no one is ever gonna be as good as me you know" I say jokingly and he laughs " Your not wrong about that" he says making me smile .

We get home and take a long hot shower before we're in bed and Matt is rubbing oil on my body giving me the best massage Ive ever had. He slowly makes his way up to my thighs really working at the sore mussels . The higher he gets the more wet and horny I get for him. "Someones getting a lil excited " Matt jokes as his finger ghost over my soaked pussy. " Fuck sorry it just feels so good " I say and he smirks "Don't ever apologize for getting wet for me " he says before he slides two fingers into my entrance making me gasp . He finger fucks me as I hold a tight grip on his bicep moaning and whimpering in pleasure . I release on his fingers before he's shoving into me fucking me so hard I see stars. I could never get tired of this . Having Matt forever would be amazing I mean if he asked me to marry his tomorrow I would in a heart beat.

*skip 6 months

Today Matt and I are leaving for a 3 day trip to France . Im so excited I can barely sit still . Were going back to the place we stayed for the campaign shoot and i'm over the moon.

We land and i'm practically sprinting out of the jet to take in the beautiful scenery i've missed so much . I see the older man standing with a large smile on his face watching me practically bust my ass from excitement . " James its so lovely to see you" I say as I greet him in a warm hug. " Ahh belle fille ( means beautiful girl) i'm so happy to see your face again" he says as he places a sweet kiss on my cheek . James and Matt greet each other happily and talk to each other in French sadly I cant understand a word they are saying .

We makes our way up the penthouse suit and set our bags down and take a quick power nap before getting ready for a surprise Matt says he has planned . I just finished my hair and makeup when Matt comes waltzing into the bathroom holding up a beautiful dress . " wow matt that dress is beautiful " I say as I get up and glide my hand over the shiny material. " It'll look even more beautiful on you especially with these" he says holding up a pare of beautiful of jimmy choo heels." Matt ... my god these must have cost a fortune" I say in shock . " I would spend every cent I have on you , you know that" he says making me smile endearingly up at him . I give him a hug and thank him before I get dressed and walk back out into the room grabbing the last things I need and slipping them into my purse.

We hop in a car and the driver takes us to a helicopter. I look over at Matt who's just smiling and ushering me out of the car. " Where are we going?" I ask in excitement since he's been keeping it a secret all damn day. " You'll see , come on" he says smiling widely at me and ushering me into the helicopter. " Bonjuer" the pilot greets and I great him back. Matt helps me buckle in the gets himself buckled and then were off . Ive never been in a helicopter mostly because it always seemed so scary but its actually pretty amazing.

As we fly over the beautiful scenery we get closer to the ocean and i've never seen anything more beautiful . Matt grabs my hand and point over to something in the distance . I follow the line of his hand and look out to see what I think is and island . " Thats where we're going " Matt says and I smile . The closer we get the more I can make out home beautiful the island is . " Wow" I gasp as we get to the spot we're landing in. " Welcome to lies Lavezzi island" the pilot says and I smile and thank him for taking us here . I get out with matts help and he takes my hand leading me down further on the rocky train to a cliffside by the water. " Its so beautiful " I gasp as I let go of matts hand and look around at the crystal clear water surrounding us . I get confused when he doesn't say anything so I turn to look at him .

I turn to see Matt down on one knee smiling at me . I gasp as I out my hand over my mouth and tears start to form in my eyes.

" Y/n , when I first met you the day you walked into my office I thought you were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen . As time grew I slowly started falling for you , I knew it was unprofessional but I just couldn't keep you out of my head . The last time we were here I finally got to have you and ever since then I've known I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Every second I spend with you I find new reasons I love you and never want to let you go ... so y/n will you marry me ?"

The tears stream down my face as my entire body shakes with joy and my head nods so quickly it might fall off " yes yes yes matt " I say smiling as he gets up and slides the beautiful ring on my finger. He hugs me as we look out at the water smiling like the happiest people on earth. I take a look at the ring on my still shaking hands . " Do you like it?" he asks and I nod " I love it , it's beautiful matt" I say as I smile up at him and bring him into a kiss .

*skip 7 months

Our wedding was beautiful , having our family and friends all in one room was amazing . Ive never been this happy in my life , as I look around at everyone smiling and talking , having drinks and dancing the smile that spreads upon my face is so big my cheeks hurt. " Mrs. Sturniolo , may I have this dance?" Matt asks smiling I nod as I take his hand " Wow Mrs. Sturniolo ... I cant believer thats me " I say as we both laugh and dance close together to the slow song . " I love you so much" I say as I rest my head on his chest " I love you more" he says as he places a kiss on my head .

After a long night of talking , dancing and drinking . We're are finally off to our honeymoon . I chose Greece and our first destination so thats were we are headed . We sleep on the jet and once we finally reach the end of the flight I buzzing with excitement. We take a car into Skopelos , I watch out of the window taking in the scenery , I specifically chose this part of Greece because of my love for mama Mia and this is where they filled it. As I kid I dreamed of going to Greece after watching mama Mia , its crazy to actually be here it all feels so surreal.

After a lovely week in Greece filled with amazing food , people , boat rides and swimming we are off to Matts pick of a honeymoon destination Paraty ,Brazil . I was overjoyed when he chose Brazil since its so beautiful but especially Paraty becauseee one of my favorite movies was filmed there . It was specifically in the second to last Twilight movie when they were on their honeymoon .

The second we reach the house we will be staying at my jaw drops at how beautiful it really is here . The house is on a secluded part of land and we can walk right out onto the beach from the back porch .

We spend most of out time tanning , swimming , having a lot of rough veryyy rough sex and just enjoying spending our time with each other somewhere so beautiful.

We are finally heading back home today and to be honest Im sad but i'm ready to get back home and get back into the groove of things . Matt has insisted I stop working and this time I obliged , I love working but honestly I don't mind being a stay at home wife but only because Matt makes so much money on a daily bases that I genuinely do not have to work .

*skip 2 years

Today is our daughters first birthday , I've never felt so filled with joy and contentment . Our daughter is the light of our lives . Seeing Matt with Sage makes my heart flutter every single time . She got his eyes and nose, two of my favorite features on him but she got my wavy/ curly hair , my thick dark eyebrows and tan skin . She is truly the most beautiful thing i've ever seen and I cant wait to watch this family grow.

Crazy to think that my hot boss is now my husband and father to our beautiful baby girl but I couldn't ask for a better life .

The end.

( I know this shit has been long overdue trust i've been so busy this summer I haven't found much time to write but i'm getting back into the groove )

❤️💋

#matt sturniolo #fanfiction #smut #final part

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nightingalestarchaser · 1 year

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● Desiderata

Pairings: Rhaenyra Targaryen x Fem!Reader and a little bit of Daemon Targaryen x Fem!Reader because oh boy is this self indulgent.

Word Count: 1.7k

Content Warnings: Some strong language, flirtations with incest, heavy implications with annoyance at heavy implications because I contain multitudes, rich people being terrible, this is an inherently shitty world to live in that's just canon, I'm having fun with it.

A/N: As stated above, this is wholly self indulgent. Just me living out my dreams and fanatasies through these gorgeous barbie dolls. If you do enjoy it, I will be amazed and overjoyed ♡

Tagging: my lovely friend @sylas-the-grim ♡

She knows her fate.

Always has, always will. It is not something to be avoided easily. Reminders are everywhere, pressing in around her.

And yet Rhaenyra does not care about her own fate.

That is why she loves her.

Rhaenyra flouted the rules like she was born to break them. In a way, she was. Had there been the most miniscule of changes to her body upon her arrival into the world, life would be simple. Men would not fret.

But that is what men do, they fret. And tut. Mutter about 'the way of things'.

She loves it when Rhaenyra imitates them to make her laugh. The way the princess will furrow her brow, lower her chin, and mutter ridiculous nonsense, commiting wholeheartedly to her slander. She laughs so much at times that she thinks she will die. Her breath will escape her body, and laughter will block the air from seeping back in.

She does not care, she would die happily. Better Rhaenyra steal her breath than the Stranger.

Rhaenyra who is so content to flout her fate. She will be an eternal princess once her brother comes along. A toss of a coin, and one can be a God among men or a vessel for to carry them. A princess has more freedom than a queen, Rhaenyra says often, particularly after visiting her mother.

A freedom they put to good use. Without Rhaenyra that freedom would be impossible, she knows it. Loves the princess more for it. In a past life, she had been just another girl, a girl with a good name nonetheless, but not good enough to live the life she does.

Pieces were moved on a chessboard, and she found herself living in the most famous keep in the land, with a princess as a best friend, confidante, and..something more.

They don't define it, youth allows them to avoid such delineations. They enjoy each other, that is what matters. She is an honorary dragon, Rhaenyra tells her. In spirit, if not blood.

It cannot endure indefinitely, they know that. The knowledge of their fates spurs them to make the most of what they have. Rhaenyra has more freedom as a princess, but even she cannot escape her fate forever.

Nor can she, becoming ensconced in royal life merely enables more eligible matches, further growth for her house.

They are young, beautiful and highly desirable, there is only one fate for them and nothing will stand in the way.

More time is bought, Rhaenyra is granted her eternal princess title when her brother is brought into the world, and the gaze of the world shifts to him. His parents display him proudly, Rhaenyra by their side as the doting sister.

She laughs when Rhaenyra complains of a sore jaw from her rictus grin. Teases the princess that kisses are to be withheld to allow her time to heal, a lie proved to be as such quickly.

Gods, how she loved to kiss Rhaenyra, to have Rhaenyra kiss her. It was so different to her experiences with the boys she would use to kill time and experiment with. Rhaenyra didn't fumble awkwardly, long desperately for her body while being terrified of her sexuality. Nor did she grope and pinch and groan like an alley cat in heat.

Rhaenyra knew exactly what she was doing, and if she didn't she was an expert at masking her ignorance. It was never perfect, they had not yet had been allowed the time and experience to perfect their abilities after all, but it was always satisfying, always left her wanting more.

She was not the only one who so desired the princess, far from it. It did not bother her to see boys gaze longingly at Rhaenyra, boys who would look away when she caught their eye. Nor did it bother her to see men gaze longingly at her princess. They could offer Rhaenyra that which she never could, yet her bed was the one rarely without the princess laying in it of a moonlit evening.

Criston Cole amused her. For a knight to be the one who needed rescuing was ridiculous, nonsensical, and endlessly entertaining to witness. He looked at Rhaenyra as though he were a puppy longing at a treat it had been denied, treated her as though she were a delicate flower.

Daemon Targaryen fascinated her. He too was a knight, though he certainly did not need to be rescued. He looked at Rhaenyra in every way he should not, and he did not treat her like a delicate flower. He looked at her, too. She would often feel a warmth spread through her body as she stood in the throne room, the source of it inevitably the gaze of the Dragonknight.

As much as she and Rhaenyra prided themselves for their wits, their intelligence, and their creativity, even they were not immune to the pull of gossip and fervent whispers about men.

They laughed about boys, trading stories of their disappointmenting encounters. They expounded about men, laying under the shade of the Weirwood.

Rhaenyra would fill her in on how Cole had still made no attempt to break free of his chivalry. She asked why Rhaenyra would even wish for such an attempt. Rhaenyra teased her that virtues and vices beyond silver hair and fiery temperaments could be appealing.

Silver hair and a fiery temperament were what she craved, she would not apologise for her desires. She understood why Rhaenyra wished for Cole to break free from his honor, it had been spoken of many times. Nestled amongst their discussions of history and art, their walks in the gardens, their nights laying in bed whispering and lazily touching each other, unhurried.

Cole was merely a chance for experimentation. How could Rhaenyra possibly know if her future husband truly satisfied her if she had no other experience of a man with which to compare him? It was a sound theory, one she did not disagree with. If one's husband is going to be dissatisfactory, one has the right to know, just as they would need to know if he was more than satisfactory.

From their time spent with other ladies in the court, she and Rhaenyra had learned the difference between a satisfied wife and a lonely widow without even the right to the title.

Rhaenyra was determined that Cole would be the comparison, making elaborate plans and schemes. She found it quite amusing and sweet, watching the princess formulate her seduction technique. Cole struck her as the kind of a man who enjoyed torturing himself in the name of honour, but she wished Rhaenyra good fortune in her endeavour.

As for her own comparison..she did not feel she particularly needed one. She knew Rhaenyra satisfied her, without needing another to test the strength of her desires. Rhaenyra had learned what made her tick, what made her laugh, cry out, scream, moan, plead, and beg.

Still, there was no escaping her fate. She would be married one day to a man chosen for her. If she was lucky, he would be handsome, kind, charming, intelligent, fun, and witty. With the grace of the Gods, he would possess at least two of her desired features.

She could not possibly predict if he would be able to satisfy her. There would be no way of knowing until their wedding night, when it was too late to turn back. She may not have felt the need for a comparison, but she was curious to understand the fuss about fucking a man.

The ladies at court were so frustratingly vague when it came to the subject. It could be alluded to, implied, but never explicitly spoken of. They all had husbands, some had secret lovers, and yet they still would not speak of the topic with more than a few coy words.

Was it good? Bad? Joyous? Dull?

To hide something under a veil made it more desirable, and she and Rhaenyra were determined to lift that veil. They satisfied each other, brought each great pleasure, but they had a curiosity they needed to be sated.

How would the hard edges of a man's body feel compared to the soft lines of each other's? Would a man's hand touch them more roughly? Would he take the time they took with one other to bring each of them to the highest peaks? Would he lay with them afterwards, gently touching and whispering and laughing?

Rhaenyra did not let her lack of progress with Cole slow her determination. She merely rattled the shackles of his willpower harder.

She looked elsewhere to have her curiosity satisfied. There were men she knew would be more than willing to assist her in her research, though those were exactly the men she did not want.

The man who would give her answers would present them to her freely, she knew. Only once she had struck first, he would never give her the satisfaction of initiation.

She chooses a feast as the setting for her test. With all the wine, food, music and revelry nobody will even notice her machinations. Well, Rhaenyra will notice. That thought had crossed her mind and spurred her forward. The princess is busy trying to detach a knight from his honour while she is looking for a knight to detach her from her own.

Her plan sparks to life with ease, a coy glance here, a hint of a smile there. Her attire has been chosen carefully, to allow her to be noticed. She had planned to approach him, after her dance with a man who did not move her as easily as the music did.

He defies her expectations, approaches her first. The man she had danced with is cast aside, she has an opportunity to dance with another dragon and she gladly takes it.

He knows exactly what she is doing, he tells her.

They move in a slow circle, her eyes looking up at him as she tells him that what she is doing is clearly appealing to him.

He does not disagree.

They wrap an arm around each other, his around her waist, hers around his back.

He asks how she feels about betraying her dragon. She says that dragons do not need to fight each other. They could live in harmony, if they chose to.

They stop moving, gazes locked together, bodies pressed close. He looks across the room, to where his niece is so desperately vying for the attention of an undeserving man.

She follows his gaze, he looks back at her.

She thanks him for the dance, her eyes focused on Rhaenyra.

He asks if she truly believes dragons can exist together harmoniously.

She looks back to him, a smile on her lips. Her hand gestures to one of the many black banners around the great hall, the three headed dragon emblazoned upon it.

It is an inherent truth, she tells him.

P.S: As you have seen, I do not have the reader in this story marked as a particular character. As with my other stories, descriptions of 'her' have been kept as vague as possible so that 'She' may inhabit many forms. However, it occurred to me as I wrote this that, as I have played around with the lore, mainly by keeping Aemma alive, I have invited the possibility for the 'She' in this story to be Alicent. I am not opposed to this, I am a huge fan of Alicent and her dynamic with Rhaenyra. I would prefer to write a story about them using both their names explicitly, but I do enjoy the thought that one of the many forms of 'She' here is Alicent ♡

PPS: Rhaenyra in this story is clearly younger than the Rhaenyra in the gif above but Emma D'Arcy in that moment has me on my knees so I had to use it.

#hotd #hotd fanfic #rhaenyra targaryen #daemon targaryen #rhaenyra x reader #daemon targeryen x reader #purely self indulgent nonsense

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isca-tide · 1 month

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6x06 aka why does this show hate joy and my emotional stability Smitty...really should've been fired by now, right? Look, I love a good comedic Smitty but...you know. Lucy messed up at the clown crime scene, even though she wasn't the first officer on site and wasn't responsible for securing the scene, and she got the pissed taken out of her. Do they just not even bother writing Smitty up anymore? Lucy, my love. Also her poster bed is gone :( I only just noticed. fic has me convinced that it's because of sexytimes, but i'll miss that gorgeous massive bed. i always wanted a four poster bed. Tamara baby no don't leave your mother. Lucy being so supportive when her entire life is falling apart. Honestly, Angela, no. You don't get to tell Lucy to sit back and do nothing and then go check on Tim yourself and then not tell Lucy afterwards. She was meant to be your friend too. I know Tim's your best friend but you can't just let Lucy spin out like this. Lucy has his back too but he won't let her be there. GAH. I'm so angry. I do get it, Angela has her priorities and Tim is above Lucy, but it still sucks.

70 degrees? Look, 21 celsius is no joke. I don't know how y'all cope in anything above 16/60 tbh. Also, why would you think it's a good idea to have a bunch of inmates mixed in with a crowd of people constantly changing with multiple escape routes? And no perimeter guard? Angela just tell him to tell Lucy. Better yet, tell her yourself. It's her choice if she puts her career at risk. Gaaaaaaaaah. Stop taking things away from Lucy and that includes her choices. I can't even pay attention to the side plots, or the main plots. Though I do find it funny that Angela just disappeared from work to do this with Tim. Unless she was leaving shift when she ran into Lucy. But this lot do have a habit of disappearing when they should be working. Angela please recognise how in over his head Tim is. Please tell Lucy and the others. Would you be happy if Lucy helped Wesley with something like this and didn't tell you? Told you to just sit back and leave it alone? Yeah, didn't think so. Maybe if Ray hadn't shown up, Angela could've gotten some sense into Tim and gotten him to talk to Lucy. Maybe. Would it have killed you to tell this to Lucy, Tim? You think she wouldn't be willing to keep this to herself? You've seen the lengths she's gone to to protect the people she loves and cares about, even if she's had to work around the law to do so. I want to feel for Tim. I really do. And part of me does, but knowing how this ends up just destroying Lucy, I just can't. I can't. God I wish we'd been able to see Lucy kick Ray's ass. And I'm so glad nothing happened, because obviously I do not want Tamara and Lucy in any danger, but the fics where Ray does do something are just that hit of angsty goodness. But god, I'm so glad they're not canon because that would've destroyed everything with zero chance of rebuilding. Oh Lucy, her rage and terror and sheer frantic anger are so understandable. Tim, please. For the love of god, please. Let your wife help you. He's her fierce protector and he's so focused on keeping her safe from his past, he doesn't see how much he's hurting her. He can't and won't stop protecting her. He's physically unable. The terror and conviction in his voice when he says that to her. He's trying to protect her from his past, but he's still hurting her so much. That amazingly gorgeous and angsty fic where Angela tells Tim how he broke Lucy's heart, the one thing he was meant to protect? That. So much that. With the lies, the break-up, pretending it was all to keep her safe and make her life better. God Tim, you need to recognise how much pain you caused her. Please. I want a full ass apology and a full ass adult conversation in S7. Full. Oh, Percy West. God, we need more of him. We need him with Lucy as well. I've read some gorgeous fics where they have the best father/daughter relationship before and after Jackson's death. God Tim, I know it's killing him to lie to West and Grey. But this is not the right route to go down, Tim. Please. Honey. Honestly, all I can repeat is what Lucy says. Why are you doing this? This entire scene is killing me. It's so well done, it really is, but good god it hurts. The way she's waiting for him, pulls him into a hug. He knows what he's going to do and he lets himself get drawn into that hug because he knows it might be the last one. The way she cradles his head like he usually does to her. She sees him breaking and she tries to hold him and support him. It's killing her to see him break like this. And the look on her face as she realises what he's saying. Good god. These are two very talented actors. I wish I could dissect this scene better but honestly I'm just too upset. Her holding his hand. Clinging to his shirt. The forehead kiss. Her looking so utterly lost and destroyed as he leaves. Tim please. I mean, the man obviously needs help and he needs to work on his own shit, so the break-up isn't an awful idea. But the way he went about it is just the worst. He can't make decisions for Lucy if he loves and respects her. AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

#isca rambles #and now we watch literally no-one have Lucy's back #okay Grey does #and Celina #but the people who are meant to be her close friends?#I'm looking #they better reappear in S7 #and worship the fucking ground she walks on

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stormyoceans · 4 months

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hey girl, I'm happy to hear that you're feeling better! 👊 listen, it's cold in my country right now and I want to keep warm. Tell me your fav european GL(not Asian, pls, I'm tired of it) when you're able to write long posts. You can take your time. The cold weather is forecast to last until May 20 😪

hello, anon!!!!

im sorry to hear the cold weather is gonna last so long in your country, i hope you're keeping warm and drinking lots of tea or other hot beverage of choice!!!!!

i can definitely give you some recs for wlw shows, although i need to give two little disclaimers first:

i actually know of only one european wlw show, so i hope it's okay if i expanded this list to include western shows in general ;;;;;;;;

networks and streaming platforms are my mortal enemies because they love cancelling sapphic shows after one or two seasons (AND FUCK THEM ALL FOR THAT TBH), but if i didn't put those series on the list, this would be very short and i also think we would be missing out on some great television, so im adding their status to let you know what to expect before getting into it

OKAY AND NOW WITHOUT FURTHER ADO LET'S GET INTO IT

a league of their own (comedy drama - 1 season - cancelled)

based on the 1992 film of the same name with new characters and storylines, the series, set in 1943, is about the formation of the rockford peaches, a women's team in the nascent all-american girls professional baseball league.

one of my favorites on this list and im so upset it got cancelled AMAZON PRIME YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES

anne+ (drama - 2 seasons + a movie - complete)

the one actual european wlw show of the list, this is a dutch drama series that follows the main character, anne, as she tries to navigate her early twenties as a young lesbian. upon bumping into her ex-girlfriend one day, anne reflects on how her past relationships have contributed to who she has become.

honestly for being from a smaller indie production this is such a relatable, engaging, and well-done series, i definitely recommend it!!!!

dickinson (historical comedy drama - 3 seasons - complete)

based on the life of emily dickinson, the series focuses on her relationships with her family, her friends, her society, and on her long-term romantic relationship with her childhood best friend and sister in law, sue.

another big favorite of mine, it's fun, wild, has an unique modern twist, and both hailee steinfeld and ella hunt are incredible

first kill (fantasy drama - 1 season - cancelled)

the series focus on the relationship between teenage vampire juliette fairmont, who needs to make her first kill in order to enter adulthood and take her place among her powerful family of legacy vampires, and calliope burns, who belongs to a monster-hunting family and needs to slay her first monster in order to gain her family's approval and officially become a hunter herself.

look, i know there are a lot of mixed reviews on this show, but personally i enjoyed it a lot. it's good, campy fun, and a breath of fresh air from the hetero love stories that pervade the genre

gentleman jack (historical drama - 2 seasons - cancelled)

based on the collected diaries of anne lister, which contain over four million words and are written in secret code, documenting a lifetime of lesbian relationships. the series starts in 1832, when anne leaves hastings brokenhearted and heads to halifax, to restore her uncle's estate that she has inherited. while restoring the estate, she finds that the family land has a coal mine that it's being stolen by two brothers and develops a relationship with a woman named ann walker.

genuinely SO UPSET about this one being cancelled, it was such a gorgeous show with the most delightful english humor and complex relationships WHY PEOPLE CAN'T RECOGNIZE QUALITY TELEVISION

gypsy (psychological thriller - 1 season - cancelled)

the series follows jean holloway, a therapist who seems to have it all, but who secretly obsesses over the people her patients talk about in their sessions. this leads her to seek out sydney, one of her patient's ex-girlfriend, with whom she starts developing a romantic relationship under a secret identity.

i wasn't sure whether to rec this or not because i have very mixed feelings about it like the concept is very intriguing to me but the execution wasn't the best imho. it's still a solid show tho, and naomi watts is. well, naomi watts

the haunting of bly manor (horror - 1 series - complete)

loosely based on the novella the turn of the screw by henry james, the series follows dani clayton, a young american woman hired as an au pair for the children of the wealthy wingrave family in england. after arriving at the bly estate, she begins to see apparitions that proceed to haunt the premises.

i personally LOVE all of mike flanagan's series, and this one is no exception, however (unpopular opinion) i do find the second half of it kinda lacking. it's still a fantastic show tho, and i adore victoria pedretti

killing eve (thriller - 4 seasons - complete [but at what cost])

the series follows eve polastri, a british intelligence investigator tasked with capturing an assassin named villanelle. as the chase progresses, the two develop a mutual obsession.

once again i wasn't sure whether to rec this or not because while the first two seasons of this show are honestly some of my all time favorite, and the third season is still acceptable, the last one is honestly one of the biggest disappointment i've ever experienced in television. still, i think it's a staple of wlw shows in the last decade so i had to include it

warrior nun (fantasy drama - 2 seasons - cancelled, but we should be getting a revival as a trilogy of feature films. hopefully)

the story follows ava silva, a a 19-year-old orphan who wakes up in a morgue with a new lease on life and a divine artifact embedded in her back. she discovers she is now part of the ancient order of the cruciform sword that has been tasked with fighting demons on earth, and powerful forces representing both heaven and hell want to find and control her.

when i tell you i was so skeptical when i started this show but it's honestly SO GOOD, it really has it all: talented cast, beautifully-written three-dimensional characters and relationships of all varieties, gorgeous cinematography, amazing fight scene choreography.......THEY BETTER DELIVER THOSE MOVIES OR IM GONNA BE SO UPSET

AND NOW LET ME ADD SOME SHOWS WITH WLW RELATIONSHIPS IN A BIGGER ENSEMBLE CAST

sense8 (scifi drama - 2 seasons - complete)

the story follows eight strangers as they discover that they form a cluster of "sensates": human beings who are mentally and emotionally linked, can sense and communicate with one another, and can share their knowledge, language and skills.

i don't think i could say something about this show that hasn't already been said tbh. it's wonderfully queer and explores issues related to identity, sexuality, gender, and politics. it's honestly a must watch.

the wilds (drama - 2 seasons - cancelled)

the series revolves around a group of teenage girls who are left stranded on a deserted island after their plane crashes on the way to the dawn of eve program, a young women's empowerment retreat. while the girls try to survive, they are unaware that they're actually the subjects of a social experiment.

AMAZON PRIME YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES PT. 2 STOP CANCELLING MY FAVORITE SHOWS 😭

yellowjackets (horror - 2 seasons - on going)

in 1996, a new jersey high school girls' soccer team travels to seattle for a national tournament. while flying over canada, their plane crashes deep in the wilderness, and the surviving team members are left stranded for nineteen months. the series follows both their attempts to stay alive in 1996 and the lives of the survivors 25 years later, in 2021, as the events of their ordeal continue to affect them many years after their rescue.

i. freaking. LOVE. this show!!!!!!!! but it also comes with a mile long list of trigger warnings, including cannibalism, SA, abuse, animal killing, etc. maybe it's silly to point this out considering the genre of the show, but still. just be safe if you do decide to watch it!!!!!!

and this is pretty much it!!!! this is obviously not a comprehensive list, im aware i left out some popular shows and other ones that feature sapphic relationships between side characters, but these are my personal favorites and they also feel like the series where the wlw part of the story is fairly front and center, at least imho ;;;;;;;;

#OH GOD THIS GOT SO LONG IM SORRY #i do hope you can find something that you like in this!!!!!#and thank your for trusting me with this question!!!!!!#hope you're having a wonderful day all cozied up and warm in your house!!!!!! 💜#wlw shows #show recs #long post #m: ask

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bi-lavelent · 3 months

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Brie Larson x fem-reader part 1

warning: contains mentions to sex and mentions of mental health. Contains mentions to murder and killing. Contains mentions to pedophillia.

Brie will not be in the chapter it is just the start. I hope you enjoy

Chapter 1 Childhood Trauma

"Mothers, everyone has one, Every girl needs them, Every man wants them, Every baby cries for them, Every human praises them." - Y/N Y/L/N

My life starts simple; While At Least I thought. You see the story I was told growing up was. My gorgeous, beautiful, Intelligent Mom met my Handsome, Funny Dad and fell in love. They got married and then they had me. It was the Exact American Dream, It wasn’t Gatsby and Daisy. My Dad and I were best friends. They Made me realize who I would want to marry. We were always going to be that perfect little family. Although that’s where the happiness ends. The rest isn’t good, though how much stuff do you think can happen in 9 months? less than a year you're probably thinking not that much. Well trust me a lot can happen, my mom did everything a person could do to ruin my life before it even started. But for you to be able to know that part of the story you will need to wait till I'm older, like I did.

Born into a Christian and Catholic family, and when I say that I mean it my dad was the youth group pastor and my mom was well she said she was catholic that should have been my first signal. That all being said, I was raised to have pride in my family and to love god. I met my childhood best friend at church. Her name was Ezra Lee. She was named after a colonial Soldier from the 1800s. He was supposedly related to her. The first memory I have is of me and her playing in a sandbox

. . . . .

"Hey, I have to go to the bathroom." I said to my best friend Ezra Lee

"Okay I'll wait here." She said back to me

. . . . .

Looking back at this event makes me look at how simple our lives were, You see we thought that we would always get to have this perfect life and in a way her stayed okay or atleast better than mine. I ran into her a few years ago. She was in New York for New years and she had stopped at an ice cream shop in time square. I'm still not sure if I was happy to see her have the life. We both always dreamed about. We had promised each other that we would set each other on blind dates were we would meet our husbands and we would be the others kids' Aunt. But given that was back when I thought I was gonna marry men we were clearly wrong because now I’m writing this while my wife is sitting on the couch watching a romcom. I guess things never go according to plan anyway. Back to the past I realize How happy we were. How innocent we were. It also makes me question why I didn't realize what was happening around me. It should have been obvious to me but I guess that when you're a kid you're oblivious of what happens around you. I mean it was normal for our parents to leave their kids in their backyard alone at the age four but then again we were kids and this was normal to us. I have very few memories of being a happy child but I do remember this next fairly clearly. Because it has affected the rest of my life. You see in Colorado I was told by my mom that the normal age to lose your Virginity is 6. So the next part isn’t really going to affect a lot of my life but at the same time it has everything to do with the family I’ve built for myself.

At a young age I did not only have feelings for the boys at my school but also the girls being a christian I thought that this was wrong. It might be that as an adult it's still hard to tell what's true and what's not but this one thing as a child had a big influence on my life. I remember being five and dating this girl back then dating was more like being best friends. When you're a kid you make a lot of mistakes; But I never thought that I would make this one. As a Preschooler and Elementary student I was considered a bit of a player, and to be honest my friends and my partner still think I am. I would chase the boys around and tackle them and kiss them I would pay them to date me; and like every player I cheated.I was at five and at spring break camp and went behind this boy that i still had a crush on named Christopher to get a crayon to color with, and I saw an opportunity my mind raced back in forth between his back and my lips, Back, lips, Back, lips. This was my opportunity so i sized the moment and leaned down and kissed him. This was the end of everything.

I was popular or so I though you see I didn’t relize that people only liked me because they were scared of me, not because people liked me.blooming back I would have been scared of me too I was a lost kid who didn’t understand how to deal with emotions. Not only that but I had ADHD and Autism you see people love me because I’m diffrent now. But kids are scared of they don’t understand. You see I was like “Young Sheldon.” But my parents didn’t want me to be but you see she liked me she made an exception.she accepted me as an equal not someone to be feared atleast that was until I fucked up. You see she was the one for me the one that I had just messed everything up with. The day that we went back to school everyone in every grade was talking about what I had done. I didn't realize what I had done wrong (I mean it was a elementary relationship those don’t even count right; well apparently they started to count somewhere along the line. But I should also let you know that most pepole in Colorado lose there V card bettween the ages of 5-9 I didn’t no matter who I liked. I’m old fashioned I wanted to wait till marriage. That didn’t end up happening but once you have it with the person who you marry it’s not the same. You feel a spark of deepest emotions and regrets finally being released.) until I saw her and I felt this pit in my stomach grow.

I walked up to her but kept staring at the ground and said "hay"

she didn't not respond

I started to say what I wanted to say and then the bell rang so I said to her, "I'll see you at recess. I want to discuss this."

I made it through the rest of my day with my head down until recess when I got outside I ran up to her smiling. We started to walk around and then I said, "we need some privacy to talk about this." so we moved to where no one could hear us.

She said, "Why did you do it?"

I responded looking down at the ground and kicking the dirt with my feet, "I don't know June."

June responded to me by saying, "Was it a dare?"

A part of me wanted to lie to her and say yes but the mature side of me developed and came out and said,"No."

She responded, "Why did you do it then?"

"I don't know but trust me there's not a bone in my body that doesn't want to take it back and doesn't regret doing it." I said as A tear fell down my face i quickly got rid of it in hopes that she wouldn't see it

She told me, "How can I trust you when you cheated on me." ( by the way the only thing that I did was leaned over and kissed this kid on his back)

"I don't know what i was thinking." I said I took a pause to catch my breath so that I wouldn't cry and finished by saying,"I don't know if we can have the same level of trust but I will try every day for you to forgive me as long as it takes."

She stood up and Said "I don't think it will be i don't think i can trust you ever again."

"I love you." I said looking straight into her eyes making sure we both were making eye contact. ( I didnt love her because at this point in time I don’t know what love was. My gorgeous family is across the room; As i wright this and I don’t fell the same about her as I do about them. But at that point in time I thought I loved her things changed)

"And I hate you." she replied

I just stood there not knowing what to say. I wish I had said something because it might have saved me from these next words but then again I don't think anything could have as the two words I never wanted to come out of someone I loved mouth.

she said, "were over."

My world went dark I ran away crying and that pit didn't leave for a long time neither did the me not smiling and me not laughing and me not being happy it all went away for a very long time. So did the popularity the same day as everyone saw me being vulnerable and weak. I lost it all. Yet did I know that this was just the start of My Trauma as a child. This day ended everything good going for me or so I thought. You see for a long time I thought that no one else would care. But little did I know that there was someone having a normal life in Sacramento California. You see I was 8 when this happens which means she was 6 and attending the American Conservatory Theater which is located in San Francisco. See it’s weird saying all this because we have an 8 year old and a 6 year old right now and I just am so happy that there lives will be diffrent then ours. Anyway The next thing I know I was in the principal's office everyday. I remember one day Threatening to kill a kid and I was down in the office when the principal walked in.

"Hello Jefferson," I said

"Hello Y/N," He replied

"Can we just get this over with," I snarkly replied

"There are some people here to talk with you." He said in stern voice

I looked behind him expecting to see my parents but what I saw wasn't that It was two police officers. One started talking to me.

"Hello Mrs.?" one of them asked

"Y/L/N" I said

"Well Mrs.Y/L/N Im John. Will you come with us please," He asked

"Why?" I said standing up

"Hay SIT." He yelled as he pointed a tazer at me

"Your not the boss of me." I said

Everything went fuzzy and black The next thing I knew I was getting taken out of the school in handcuffs and being put in the back of a cop car. It turned out they thought it wasn’t John though it was an officer who got fired shortly there after. I went to the station and waited at the station until they called my mom. I could hear the call.

John asked,"Hello is this Mrs.Y/N/L ?"

My mom replied, " Yes, who's this?"

"This is officer john," He said well smiling at me

"What you want officer," My mom said

"Well I have your daughter here, we need you to come pick her up." John said

"Yah no That's not gonna happen." My mom said and hung up.

I was seven and this isn't even the worst of it. I Stayed in that jail cell till anyone in my family would pick me up. Sadly no one ever did it was 1 year and 9 months until I saw my mother again but she wasnt there for me she was being arrested herself. They didn’t really have room for me in the officer area but I made that cell my home. I just don’t know how permanent it would become.

I chuckled in my head and said in my head "that's where I got it."

She had been there for a few days to get clean. The officers John, Peter, Liam, Roy, Rodger, Rodney, Zack, Kyle, Steve and Tony all treated me like family, not like a prisoner but like one of them. I remember Liam coming over to my cell and sitting down to play cards with me. Well playing he told why my mom was there how she got caught high and selling drugs, how she was already wanted for being a sexual predator. Do you think this is enough trauma yet? Yah I would have too if i were you, but my life had other plans. They found my father 2 months later. He and my mother had split once she had started getting into drugs and when he found out that she was a sexual predator. We Were happy for 2 years. When he started drinking I was 10. When he started drinking he drank so much that some nights he wouldnt even be home when I would wake up. He would abuse me and I didnt know what to do. So one day I went to the police station and ran straight into peter.

"Hello peter," I said

"Hay chipmunk. why are you here?" He said

Them he looked at me and saw the bruises they kept me there until they arrested my dad for abuse. They gave me 2 options. I could change my identity and become a foster kid or I could live with my grandparents. I said i wanted to live with my grandparents and they drove me their and gave my stuff to my grandparents thats were I lived until College. It was 1 year later I was 11 and I had to make a family tree i kept bugging my grandparents to tell me about my family but they just would ignore it.

Until one day my grandma set me down and said "do you really wanna know about your family,"

See I mean I really didn’t need to know because the assignment was done already as this was 9 months later. Which they used to keep me knowing because everything I mentioned happened in 9 months and a little bit before than.

I replied "yes"

"Okay sit down Me and your grandpa met in college and fell in love. your mom met your dad's brother and his friends in highschool, and your mom is a bit of a psychopath. You see she killed them, she stabbed most of them and burnt a couple alive. With the help of your father's ex wife. Who I think you know because she was your childhood best friend's mother . Your father and your mother met in college in therapy. Your father for the death of his brother and Your Mother for mental help. They started dating, got married and got pregnant with you. The first four months she slept with your fathers ex wife. You see your father and her got married Junior year of high school and were only married for only two years. Your father did not know they murdered a bunch of people in those 4 months about 43 people to be percisis they broke up to hide from the cops they got plastic surgery to not look the same so that the

cops wouldn't find them. They weren’t that’s smart of people your mom never had been but the only time she was smart was when her sisters pet died or when she was getting in trouble you see she was always in the principal's office. ( wow just like me) After they broke up Your mother started hooking up with your fathers father, your grandfather your mother killed, your fathers mother your grandmother. Your mother slept with a highschooler 14 years old that kid was. The next was 17, then 12, then 9, then 10, then 5, then 4, then a 15 year old. She wrote in journals that she couldn’t stop because they always made her fell so good. (I still question if this is why she kept on touching my legs when we were laying together.She always wanted me to sleep next to her. Another thing that only the cops knew for a while I find it hard to talk about is that my dad told my mom to go into the bedroom so they could do stuff she grabbed me and said can she come too.My dad stopped her and said no.) but she kept those kids in the basement of a house only she and no one else knew she owned . Well she was still with your grandfather. your grandfather and her used to do drugs ( later on I also I found out that they would drug my dad and do drugs of off him and have sex on top of him while he was drugged.)in his son's house well he was at work at this time your mother had been pregnant with you 7 months. She stabbed your grandfather well sleeping next to him. Blew up the house with the kids in it and then once your father found out she was doing drugs he checked her into a hospital to get her clean and make sure you were okay. they stayed married tell you were 1 to make sure she wouldn't do drugs during this one year he caught her cheating on him with the man you called dad for the rest of your life and divorced her your mother set her ex girlfriend up with your father they had your sister also and named her Ezra if I’m right she way your best friend thats why they were always over there your dad divorced her when she cheated out him with your mother and the man you called your father. So did you really wanna know your family history?" she asked me

" how do you know all of this," I asked

she pulled out a bunch of journals and diaries "because your mom wrote everything down."

When I said trauma I ment trauma. This drove something deep down in my core. You see I had always wanted to be a cop to give families the justice that they needed so I headed to the police satiation and ran into Johnson arms crying I could breathe I finally told him everything and . I showed them all the journals I stayed there for the night. The next day we went to the location where my mom had hid all the bodys that stupid bitch kept track of everything. My dog is even better at hiding his bones in our bed. Although I was praying that they didn't find anybody, once we started finding bodies we never stopped finding the bodies there were too many too count. It guess she hadn’t stopped after I was born. I looked down in shock Crying. I walked up to John.

I didn't know what to say but I said Cryinging " I want a normal life again. Everyones gonna look at me diffrent. I know that can't happen now but i'm willing to prove against my mom wrong. I feel bad for all these families but I want to do something normal.".

John and I had a talk along with my grandparents and we decided that it would be better to have me be homeschooled. So that the bully wouldn’t get to me. It didn’t but I still struggled. I would go to the local store and people wouldn’t sell stuff to me. I was outside playing in the street and a car pulled up. It was the parents of the kids they had come to yell at me. They said I shouldn’t deserve to be alive and that they should look both me and my mom up. My grandfather came out and stopped him.

John wanted me too atleast stay near kids and I said theater actually what happened was.

"Like what?" John said

"I know i can't go to school yet because they don’t trust me and that i need to be acclimated into normall that’s why im doing homeschool but maybe( I looked down a saw a poster for a theater production at a highschool for Chicago there was a hot girl on the front wearing only a bra and pants.) i could start with doing theater." I said (hopping there would be hot pepole)

That's when this career choice started. That's when I made the first decision that I can remember. I arrived there that morning as a 12 year old left feeling like a 30 year old; With back issues needing a back massage and foot rub but that was all after my moms went to court

if you would like more just comment pls or like

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bteezxyewriter12 · 1 year

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Only You/ 5

Pairing- Yoongi x Named Reader

Word count- 4.8k

Includes- Angst

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1 month later

J POV

I can't stop thinking of Yoongi

He's on my mind all the time and it's driving me crazy

I keep thinking of the sex we had and how much I want him again

Not just the rough crazy sex

But the slow sex too

I've never had sex like that before where I could feel his every move, his every touch, his every kiss

I miss his kisses

It felt like making love but it couldn't have been

I look at the pictures of him all the time

And yeah while I look at his naked body, I mostly focus on his gorgeous face

I've watched the video I took of him eating me out too but it's mostly the pictures

Before he left, he showed me how to hide the pictures in a hidden folder so no one could see them if I lose my phone or someone takes it

But I think about more than the sex too

I daydream about him too

About sitting in his studio with him while he works on music

About walking next to him and holding his hand or him putting his arm around me

Of me kissing him every time I see him

Of us doing anything together- watching TV or a movie, going out to eat, napping together, just being together

And I realized I have feelings for Yoongi

I don't think it's love, not yet but I'm one hundred percent sure it could be

I want him

I want to be with him

I want to call him stupid couple names, see him smile at me, make him laugh, be in his arms all the time

Make him happy

But he shows zero interest in me like that

He acts like that night didn't happen and just went right back to being my best friend

He hasn't been calling me or texting me much in the last month

He keeps saying he's really busy because of the new album

I mean I get it but he's been busy before for albums and he's still made time for me

The only time I see him is when I'm doing his make up and we can't talk about anything then

But the way he's been acting, I can't say anything to him anyway

I can't handle the rejection again

It's just too much especially after Hobi

And I'm terrified of ruining our friendship

He's the only one who helped me get past the break up with Hobi

He's been there for me my whole life

I literally can't live without him

I know I said that about Hobi too but with Yoongi it's true

It's been us two since we were little

He's the only person who's been there for me for everything

I won't risk our friendship

So I just push my feelings away and act as normal as possible, even if it kills me

---------------------------

"Done Kookie", I say when I finish his makeup, "Aww you look so pretty!"

He rolls his eyes, but smiles, "Yeah Jo, thanks"

"You're welcome", I smile back

He just laughs and gets up

Jungkook was my last member for today

I just have to hang around to touch the members makeup I did while they do the photo shoot

I grab the makeup belt and the small box kit I have, filling them with Jungkook, Namjoon and Jimin's makeup and brushes

"Uh Joanne?", I hear behind me

I turn around to see Hobi behind me

What does he want?

He's ignored me over the past six months, so why is he talking to me now?

"What?"

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

I sigh

I don't want to

I should tell him to fuck off

But I can't

He's my Hobi

My love

So I give in

"What do you want?"

"I want you back", he says softly

I blink

What?

He what?

Is he kidding?

Did I hear him right?

"Uh what?", I ask

He looks down, "Joanne I love you. I've missed you this entire time we've been apart. I want you back Jo. Please take me back"

I don't know what to feel

I know I'm angry though

After him doing who knows what all these months, now he wants me back?

"What happened? Your hair stylist didn't want you? You're done fucking around with other girls and now you want me back? It doesn't work that way Hoseok"

"I know Jo but I haven't been with anyone else. I was angry when you broke up with me and I held on to that for a long time. But I still couldn't bring myself to be with anyone else"

He was angry at me?

Is he for real?

"I broke up with you because you were blatantly flirting with other girls. In front of me!", I snap, "You told me to my face that you wished I wasn't your girlfriend. That you wished I was your hair stylist"

"I know-", he starts

"No you don't fucking know! You don't know how it feels to hear the person that you love more than anything in the world tell you they hate the way you are. That you wish I was someone else. That you have fun flirting with other girls, unlike me. Remember you said that?"

He nods, "I'm sorry Jo. I was angry and an idiot and I just said those things but I didn't mean them"

He didn't mean them?

He fucking crushed me with everything he said and he didn't mean them?

Is he fucking kidding me?

"You fucking killed me Hoseok. You ripped my heart out and you didn't even care. Why the fuck should I take you back? Give me a good reason why I should"

"I...I love you Jo. I do. And I'm so sorry. I promise I'll make everything up to you. I swear I won't flirt with anyone again. I won't even look at another girl. I swear. You're the only one I want. I'm sorry it took so long for me to come talk to you. I was angry at you and when I realized I was an idiot for feeling like that, I was too ashamed to talk to you. But I can't take not being with you anymore. Please aegi, give me another chance"

I don't know what to do

Everything just got so confusing

I have feelings for Yoongi

But this is Hobi

The love of my life

The one I still love

Right?

The one who hurt me the most

But Yoongi doesn't want me like that, he shows no interest

I can't just wait for him, hoping that one day he'll see me as more than his best friend

That may never happen

And Hobi is here asking me to take him back, telling me he loves me

I'm just confused but I need to answer Hobi

I think for a minute and decide to try again with him

"Fine Hobi. But this is your only chance. If you fuck up that's it. I'm never going to be with you again", I warn

He nods, "Ok"

"Ok", I agree

He comes to me, his lips on mine in a kiss

I kiss him back

But

The only thing in my head is how different it feels from Yoongi's kiss

And that Yoongi's is better

'Stop!', I scream at myself, pushing the thoughts of Yoongi out of my head

And when I do, I melt into Hobi

When he pulls away, he looks at me, smiling, "I love you"

"I love you too", I answer

He smiles and kisses me again

I have my Hobi back

So why do I still feel so confused?

🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱

Yoongi POV

'Just ask her', I tell myself

I'm trying to psyche myself up to ask Joanne to be mine

I can't stop thinking about her

I mean it was always like that but now it's worse

She's on my mind every second

I hate that I had to be away from her for this whole month

Namjoon dropped that we need to start putting the songs together for the new album and he wanted to have at least everything in the first draft by the end of this month

I was so fucking annoyed because that meant that I had to stay at my studio working

I did the intro for this album

I had to compose the music then write lyrics for that and other songs, then put everything together

And I love doing it but it meant I had to be away from her just when things were starting to look hopeful for us

It also means more photo shoots, music videos and performances starting from today

I'm not going to have any time to see her unless she's doing my makeup

It sucked being away from her and anytime we were together it was with the guys and I had to act normal like nothing happened between us

I was always needed for something that took me away from her

She knows how busy I was and she supported me as always but I don't know if she was expecting anything after that night

I hope she was and I was going to ask her out but everything got so busy

But I can't wait anymore

Today is the first day I've seen her in a week and when she walked in I knew I couldn't wait anymore

Jungkook just came in so she should be coming soon

He was the last one she had to do makeup for

I glance up when Hobi comes in

And my heart drops to my feet

He's holding her hand

Why?

I watch in horror as he kisses her cheek

No no no

Why?

"I love you", he says to her

NO!

Oh my god are they back together?

Did I lose her to him?

Again?

No this isn't happening

She smiles weakly at him, "I uh love you too"

I can't do this

I can't

She should be with me

I can make her so happy

Why did I wait so long?

Did she want me but I took too long?

Does she think I don't want her so she went back with Hobi?

Or does she not feel anything like that for me at all?

I'm such an idiot

I should of said something the next day but I had to be a fucking chicken

I feel my heart breaking and it hurts so much

Hobi kisses her lips and she kisses him back

I can't watch this

I can't

I'm going to scream, I'm going to lose it

He smiles at her, then comes toward us

"Are you two back together?", Jungkook asks surprised

"Yeah"

"But you said-", Jungkook starts

I forgot that Jungkook was there when I was yelling at Hobi for hurting her

"I know what I said and I was an asshole. I didn't mean any of it. I was angry and hurt she left me and I said stupid things. She's giving me another chance and I'm not going to fuck up this time", he answers

I can't fucking believe this

This is bullshit

And the worst part is that it's my fault for not saying anything sooner

It's my fault

---------------------------

During the break we get, I walk straight to her

I need to talk to her

I don't know what I'm going to say

But I need to know why she took him back

Why she doesn't want me

"Hey Jo", I say, forcing my voice to stay steady

"Oh hi Yoongi"

I go straight to the point

"You're with Hobi again?"

"Oh uh yeah"

"Why?"

She blinks, "What?"

"Why did you go back to him? You said he hurt you a lot and you were miserable for awhile.", I press

I need to know

Why can't she love me?

What's wrong with me?

Why doesn't she want me?

"I....I know", she answers, "He uh apologized and promised he'd never flirt with anyone again. He asked for another chance. And I didn't have a reason to not give him one"

What does that mean?

That doesn't sound like someone who wants to be with the other person

"Do you still love him?"

"I uh yea", she answers

That doesn't sound convincing

"I just want to give him another chance. Maybe it can be the way it used to be with him"

Is that what she wants?

This is killing me

But it's worse than before because we were together

And not just sex

She kissed me, she held me, she wanted me to stay with her

She called me baby, naekkeo and her Yoongi and let me call her jagi

Was I an idiot in thinking that meant anything?

But I felt it all night and day

It felt like she had the same feelings for me that I have for her

I felt it in the way she touched my face, the way she looked at me, the way she ran her fingers in my hair, the way she snuggled close to me, the way she held my hand

The way she kissed my arms, held my hand against her, the whole way she was with me the last time we were together

When we went slow

We fell asleep after that and I slept the whole night in her arms

She held on tightly to me all night

And she didn't want me to leave the next morning but I had to work on the songs

Was I imagining things?

No I wasn't

But does it really matter now?

She's with Hobi now so nothing I felt, nothing she felt matters anymore

And I can't tell her how I feel now

I'm not an asshole

I would never break anyone up

And like I always said, her happiness means so much more than my feelings

If she wants Hobi, I'm not going to stand in the way

I just wish it didn't hurt as much as it does right now

Like my heart is being ripped from my chest

"Well, I'm just making sure that's what you want. You're my best friend and I want you to be happy"

It's killing me to call her my best friend

I love her so much it hurts

But she doesn't love me

"Uh yeah Yoongi. It's what I want"

I nod

"I uh, I gotta go. Bathroom", I say and walk away from her

Once I get to the bathroom, I lock the door and I just break down

🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱

J POV

I watch Yoongi walk away and I have the overwhelming urge to run to him

To hug him and kiss him and tell him I want him

But even now he acted like he didn't care

He called me his best friend and it hurt so much more than I thought it would

I know I didn't sound sure when I answered his questions about wanting to be with Hobi

Because Yoongi makes me question my decision

If he said anything right now, I know I'd break up with Hobi and be with him

My feelings are stronger than I thought

And why am I questioning my feelings for Hobi?

I love him

I know the difference between love and the feelings I have for Yoongi

I know I don't love Yoongi....right?

No, I don't

It hasn't moved to that yet

But he doesn't want me

He didn't say anything during this month

He could of texted me, said anything anyway he wanted to

But he didn't

He just wanted sex, I guess

It's just the way he was with me, the things he said

The way he kissed me, touched me, held me tightly to him, during sex and all during the night

I've never slept so well as I did in his arms

I always toss and turn all night, waking up dozens of time

But with him, I slept through the whole night in his arms

I've never felt so safe as I did with him

I never felt so.....wanted....

And I thought he felt the same way I did

I guess not

I have to get over this

Yoongi doesn't see me like that but Hobi does

And Hobi's been my everything for so long

I told him I'd give him another chance and I need to focus on that

I can't be thinking about Yoongi anymore

I have to push it away if it's going to work with Hobi

Even though I'm not sure if I want it to work with Hobi

I just don't know

---------------------------

After the photo shoot, Hobi comes over to me, pulling me to him in a hug

I hug him but for some reason I feel uncomfortable

Especially with Yoongi watching

Hobi kisses my forehead, then asks, "Do you wanna do something aegi?"

When he calls me aegi, I just think of Yoongi calling me jagi

And I fucking want it so much

'Stop it'

"Yeah ok. You can come over", I tell him

There's no way I'm going to the dorm

I can't be around both of them

"Yeah baby. I'm gonna change and we can go ok?"

I just nod

He walks away from the set to change

I feel eyes on me and when I look I find Yoongi, staring at me

He averts his eyes when I look at him

He looks sad and upset

I'm just about to go over to him to ask what's wrong when he turns from me and walks away

It hurts but there's nothing I can do about it

"Ready aegi?", Hobi asks coming back to me

I nod

I guess

He takes my hand and leads me out of the building to my car

---------------------------

I hate how uncomfortable I am

Hobi and I are watching tv in my apartment

We got food and ate then decided to watch something

But I can't get comfortable

His arm is around me and I'm leaning against him but my body won't relax

I'm just tense

It feels like when we first got together and we didn't know how to act around each other

Except this time it's only me

He's comfortable

To him we're back together, picking up where we left off

But not me

I don't know if I should tell him about Yoongi

I mean it shouldn't matter, we weren't together and it's not his business

And he'd probably get angry

No I'm not going to tell him about Yoongi

"You ok aegi?", Hobi asks

Shit, did he notice something

"Yeah. I'm just really tired. I didn't sleep much last night", I lie

Well it isn't so much of a lie

I spent last night the same way I spent every night the last month

Wanting Yoongi

Debating whether I should tell him my feelings for him

Deciding not to do that

Then question that decision and it starts all over again

It drove me crazy

But I guess I won't have those thoughts anymore?

I don't know

"You wanna go lay down?"

I don't know if that's a good idea

But it's not weird for him to ask that

We used to lay down all the time

'Stop. Be normal', I yell at myself

"Yeah ok"

He shuts the TV off, "Come on baby"

He takes my hand and we go to my room

I change into my PJs and he asks if I still have his clothes here

Which I do

I never threw them out or moved them

"Yeah Hobi. They're where they always are"

He nods, gets a shirt and pants, changing

We get into bed and he pulls me to him, holding me in his arms

And it just reminds me of when Yoongi was here, holding me all night

And how different it is to be in Hobi's arms from Yoongi's

And it's horrible, but I want Yoongi

I want him here, holding me against him, giving me soft kisses, playing with my hair

I need to stop

Yoongi doesn't want me like that

Hobi starts playing with my hair and I just focus on that and close my eyes, hoping I fall asleep quickly

🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱

Yoongi POV

I'm fucking dying

Every fucking day

When I see her, my heart breaks

When I see her and him, I die a little more inside and I get extremely jealous

When he's not at the dorm, I know he's with her and I'm angry and unbelievably sad

When I'm alone, all I think about is her

All I want is to be in her arms, feeling her against me, feeling her soft touches, the way she ran her hands up and down my back

The way all she wanted was for me to kiss her

I don't look at the naked pictures or the video anymore

I look at the other pictures I have of her, the normal ones where she's making faces at me or smiling or a selfie of us

The ones we took through our years as best friends

And I fucking miss her

Those pictures make me miss her so much

Not just because I love her but because she's my best friend

I haven't texted her as much since she got back with Hobi weeks ago

And she hasn't texted me

I miss talking to her, joking around with her, making her laugh

She still does my makeup but it's like we're strangers trying to find something to talk about

So instead I just look at her beautiful face, imagining kissing her again

We have practice and Hobi said she's coming

That means another day where I have to watch them together

I'm already ready for this day to be over

---------------------------

"Come on aegi", I hear Hobi call her

They haven't even gotten in the room yet and I'm already pissed off

They weren't here when we got here

They're late

And all I remember is when I was late to practice and the reason why

To just think that it's the same reason why they're late now...I can't

I have to stop thinking about it

Hobi comes in first with her following, his hand gripping hers

My eyes land on her like they always do and like always she takes my breath away

I know she likes wearing eye makeup and she's beautiful when she does wear it, but naturally she's fucking gorgeous too

And now she looks tired, she's yawning, her hair is in a messy bun thing, no make up and she has on sweatpants, a t-shirt and her favorite nikes and she's never looked more stunning

This is her, the real her, the way she always is when she's relaxed and comfortable

She's drop dead gorgeous and she has no fucking idea

"You're late", Namjoon says flatly

"Yeah, someone didn't want to wake up", Hobi answers

She sticks her tongue out at him

"C'mon Jo, you didn't. It took me an hour to get you up and another half hour to get you to change"

"I'm tired. And cranky"

"Yeah aegi, I know", he says, pulling her to him and kissing the top of her head

I avert my eyes

But I do wonder, if she was that tired then why didn't he just let her sleep?

She could of came to another practice

He didn't need to drag her here

"We need to start", Jimin reminds him

"Yeah ok"

He leads her to the chairs and she plops down

God she's fucking adorable

He kisses her cheek and she whines

"C'mon sleepy baby. It's ok"

She pouts and he laughs while I can't get over how cute she is

"So cranky", he smiles

She gives him a tired smile, then he comes back to us

"Are you ready?", Tae asks pointedly

"Yes", he snaps

I get into my place for "On"

The music starts and I start the choreography

I'm so not into it, but I force myself to dance

We have to do the dance video within a month and this is only the second time we're practicing after we learned the choreography

My eyes keep going to her

And every time, I'm surprised to see her watching me, biting her lip

God I love that habit

I miss seeing it

But whenever our eyes meet, she averts her, looking right at Hobi

And it hurts a lot more than I thought it would

Practice goes on and I try my hardest not to look at her

I don't want to be hurt every time she looks away

After awhile I can't help it and glance at her

She's falling asleep, her eyes fluttering as she sways

I'm afraid she's going to fall off the chair

She really shouldn't be here

She should be asleep in her bed

He should of left her alone

But seeing her fall asleep reminds me of when I was late to practice

What happened before that

When she asked me to stay

"Can you stay until you have to go? I want you to stay with me"

That was the best thing I ever heard since the night before when she asked me to stay the night

She kissed me then cuddled right into me, falling asleep

I remember being so fucking happy before I fell asleep

And now I'm not

I'm miserable without her

---------------------------

I walk over to her when we get a break

Hobi went to get food for her

"Hey Jo", I say, sitting next to her

She looks at me and smiles tiredly, my breath catching in my throat

"Hi Yoongi"

"You're really tired huh?"

She nods, "I uh couldn't sleep last night. Tossing and turning. Probably because I took a five hour nap in the middle of the day"

I chuckle, "Yeah that'll do it"

"Yeah"

I can't help but wonder if it was me next to her, my arms around her, would she still be tossing and turning even with a five hour nap?

Or would she be fine, fast asleep?

It hurts to think about so I push it out of my head

Silence falls between us and I hate it

I hate how we've become

"So uh how's things with Hobi?"

I don't want to know, but I think it's something I would of asked before we were together

"Oh uh it's ok. I'm still getting used to it. To him being back"

"Oh?"

She hasn't gotten used to him again?

Why not?

It's been a few weeks

"Yeah uh, I got used to being alone, doing what I wanted without having to talk to someone else. And honestly I don't completely trust him yet"

Well I'm glad she doesn't trust him

Well blindly trust him

And I'm not just saying that because I love her

Her hurt her a lot, he needs to make it up to her and work for her trust

And I can't help but think that she trusts me

She would never have a reason to not trust me

I would never give her a reason not to

Because I wouldn't be that stupid

"Well I guess it'll take time"

"Yea", she agrees

She's silent for a second

Then she says, "I miss you Yoongi"

My head snaps to her

I hope she's being serious

"I miss you too Jo"

"I....I don't like how it is between us. Like we don't know each other. I miss my best friend"

My heart deflates a little but I understand

I miss my best friend too

"I know. I miss hanging out with you, talking to you"

"Is...is it because of Hobi? That it's like this?"

Yes

One hundred percent

But I can't say that

"I don't know. Maybe. I know he hurt you and it bothers me that he did"

"Thanks Yoongi, but I can handle it. I just want you back"

"I never left you Jo. I'm still here. Whenever you need me, I'll always be here for you"

I love her so much, I'll always stay by her side no matter what

"I hope you know I'll always be here for you Yoongi"

I nod

I know

She's proved that a hundred times over

Since we were kids

I don't know where I'd be without her

And I never want to find out

"Aegi!", Hobi calls, coming into the room, to us, "I got food"

My body stiffens hearing him call her

"Ok Hobi. Thanks"

He sits in the chair next to her and hands her a container

This is my cue to leave

I don't want to see him all over her

"I'm gonna go get something to eat. I'll see you later", I wave and walk away

"Bye Yoongi", I hear her say quietly

Hearing her makes me want to turn around and run to her, tell her I love her, get her back

Instead I deal with the pangs in my chest and force myself to leave the room

#only you fic #min yoongi fanfic #bts yoongi fanfic #yoongi fanfic #suga fanfic #bts suga fanfic #bts yoongi smut #min yoongi smut #yoongi smut #bts suga smut #suga smut #bts fanfic #bts smut

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artsy-hobbitses · 1 year

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youtube

Nightly music share while I work on commission drafts (Folks with slots will get invoices as soon as I have sketches at the ready!), and while I consider FMA: Brotherhood and Tiger & Bunny to be my all-time favorite series (Honourable mentions: Blackjack 21 and Young Blackjack, Samurai 7, Sakura Wars, Ranma 1/2, Ouran High School Host Club), Gensomaden Saiyuki was actually what got me wanting to write more/dig into more serious topics as a teenager.

Don't get me wrong/see this as a TOTAL endorsement of everything it was, because this anime was UNHINGED, and ABSOLUTELY NSFW in a MYRIAD OF WAYS which was, perhaps, not suitable for 15-year old me (Sure it FEELS AND LOOKS like a funny roadtrip with four bickering dumbasses until the COPIOUS CHILD ABUSE being handed out to nearly every character like tic tacs and at least two situations of incest come up) and not always in the best way, with an animation style that is serviceable at best and completely off model in some situations (Which is A SHAME because I had the artist's art books and her marker illustration work is painstakingly gorgeous/detailed), but one of the scenes which kind of burned itself in memory for me is the one attached to this song, which takes place when Cho Hakkai (The fellow being used in the thumbnail) has confirmation that his wife is dead after searching for her, and he's requested Sanzo (a very recaltricant monk tasked with getting his mass-murdering ass back in line) to pray for her over the ruins where she died.

And Sanzo, who religion-adversed at this point except when he's weaponising it for demon-killing agrees, but says something along the lines of "Fine. But this mantra isn't for the dead--it's for the living", at which point, over this music, you're treated to an absolute gut-punch of all four characters's cliff notes backstories that led them here, and how EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE is marred by tragedy my 15-year old brain was not equipped to deal with.

But it really cements that the anime's central theme is focused on living. Living through pain, through trauma, living for yourself as you are, living even when the world tries to tell you you're better off dead, living for tomorrow and the hope that things will be better, and if they aren't, then you fight tooth and claw to make it better for everyone who comes after you.

Saiyuki is... unique given that it's very selfish thematically that way when compared with standard anime. There is no fight for country, no trying to fix a corrupt system, no lofty ideals---they're messy, dysfunctional mercs on a mission, the good deeds are just Along The Way. These people, these heroes are fun and lively, generally altruistic even if they come in like wreckingballs and are very clearly attached to each other through the bickering (they've been A Team even in a past life, and they've found each other in this life against all odds), but are also jaded, very hedonistic, petty, flawed as hell, perverts, bastards and killers (mainly of demons, but still!).

And they make ZERO excuse or apologies for it---they'll get kicked out of monastries for being heathens, out of heaven for defending their 'blasphemous' choices and their friends and by god they'll do it again, and they'll fight god (this show has peak Fight God energy and they do it at LEAST TWICE), fate and everyone else telling them they don't deserve to or cannot love as fiercely or live as themselves they way they are.

Because theirs is song is for the living, not the dead; You, flaws and tragedy and sins and despair and all---fight and love and live in a way that's true to you, because you deserve to and because it's the biggest goddamn Fuck You to the uncaring Powers That Be.

(Also on a semi-related note to seal this deal, please enjoy their absolute banger opening themes)

#Oni Speaks #Oni's Anime Recs #Youtube

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hollymbryan · 1 year

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Blog Tour: Top 5 Reasons to Read DON’T ASK IF I’M OKAY by Jessica Kara!

Welcome to Book-Keeping and my stop on the TBR and Beyond Tours blog tour for Don’t Ask if I’m Okay by Jessica Kara! I’ve got all the details on this gorgeous contemporary book below, along with my top 5 reasons to read this one, so let’s go!

About the Book

title: Don’t Ask if I’m Okay author: Jessica Kara publisher: Page Street Kids release date: 16 May 2023

Heartfelt and bittersweet, this coming-of age story explores the tender space of healing where grief meets love

A year ago, Gage survived a car accident that killed his best friend, Hunter. Without the person who always brought out the best in him, Gage doesn’t know who he is. He likes working as a fry cook and loves his small-town friends and family, but they weren’t in the wreck and he can’t tell them how much he’s still hurting. He just wants to forget all his pain and move on.

So when his stepdad shows him a dream job opening in one of his idol’s restaurants, Gage knows this is his chance to convince everyone and himself that he’s fine. To try to push past his grief once and for all, Gage applies for the job, asks out a crush, and volunteers to host a memorial for Hunter.

But the more Gage tries to ignore his grief, the more volatile it becomes.

When his temper finally turns on the people he loves, Gage must decide what real strength is—holding in his grief until it destroys him, or asking for help and revealing his broken heart for all to see.

Content Warning: Loss of friend, PTSD, toxic masculinity

Add to Goodreads: Don’t Ask if I’m Okay Purchase the Book: Amazon | B&N | Bookshop.org

About the Author

Jessica Kara is a professional author and artist. With a BFA in technical theatre, she worked as a stage manager for eight years in regional theatres and on several national tours. Eventually she left the business to focus on writing, which has always called. She has served as President of her local writing organization, Authors of the Flathead, and is a member of the Society for Children’s Book Writers & Illustrators. She frequently speaks at local conferences, schools, and college classes, striving to inspire a new generation of writers to pursue their passions.

Jess has indie-published a young adult fantasy series featuring gryfon characters, and is excited to now dive into the pool of contemporary young adult fiction. She currently resides in northwest Montana with her husband, spends her time staring at the mountains, drinking a lot of coffee, dreaming up things and people, and chirping back at birds.

Her stories, whether fantastic or contemporary, are “noblebright” at their core, woven with a spirit of determined hope, belief in the power of kindness, and the faith that good will overcome.

Connect with Jessica: Website | Twitter | Instagram | Goodreads | Facebook