#me: this will just be a quick post about how it seems significant

[anghraine]

It's not really related to the other conversation I was having about it, but I was already thinking about "The Conscience of the King" again (as one does), and the particular significance of the Kirk-Riley plot.

When I was first watching it, I thought Riley was super doomed, and we'd end up with Kirk as the last survivor standing to up the stakes of his decision. So for me, Riley's survival was very unexpected and intriguing. Even now, I feel like Kirk and Riley both surviving, and how that survival is handled in the episode, are much more effective and compelling for the narrative than the expected story line. I think the handling of Riley's survival shifts the stakes and dangers around the finale in a way that is far more resonant for Kirk's characterization and for what "The Conscience of the King" is really about than killing off Riley would have ever been.

To begin with, Kirk initially has no idea that Kevin "I'll take you home again, Kathleen" Riley* is one of the other surviving eyewitnesses. This ignorance is actually quite believable to me, given that both Kirk and Riley were children at the time, with Riley the younger of the two. Even if Riley had happened to mention his last name while they were trying to avoid starving to death or getting murdered by their own government, it's not exactly hard to believe that thirteen-year-old newly-minted genocide survivor James Kirk had more on his mind than remembering the full names of eight other people. The episode does make it clear, at any rate, that Kirk doesn't remember most of the other eyewitnesses' names, and specifically, had no idea that his mostly-upstanding crewman Riley is one of the other kids from Tarsus IV.

(The only other survivor Kirk definitely knows is Dr. Tom Leighton; Kirk is good friends with Leighton and his wife Martha, but not close enough to know much about Leighton's professional life or reputation.)

It also seems like Kirk hasn't ever tried to find out who the other survivors were, or what became of them later, despite having easy means of doing so. Rather, he has preferred to accept the official account of Kodos's death and to distance himself from the past as much as possible.

For most of the years between the genocide and the five-year mission, it seems like he found more comfort in philosophies and books and starships than rooting himself in any specific place or persona. In fact, there's a lot of reason to think he pretty drastically overhauled his entire presentation of his personality at some point in his 20s, and throughout TOS, he adopts and sheds different personas with what seems like ease—there is a control and performativity about him coupled with deep philosophical convictions that makes a lot of sense for someone repeatedly subjected to unfathomably traumatic, depersonalizing atrocities. Regardless, Kirk wanted to believe Kodos really was dead, and nothing could be done, and the only way forward was repression putting it all behind him (while still able to remember Kodos's speech to those slated for death, word for word).

It's only when he has reason to ask the computer for a complete list of the surviving eyewitnesses that Kirk links Kevin from Tarsus IV to the Lieutenant Kevin Riley of his own crew. He promptly asks for confirmation that they're the same person and receives it, which changes everything.

At that point, Riley's physical safety becomes a significant and unique concern for Kirk, above and beyond his usual preoccupation with the welfare of his crew. He has Riley demoted and separated from his peers to protect him—without explaining his motives to anyone, including Riley himself. He doesn't even acknowledge to anyone else that he knows Riley is the other eyewitness.

Meanwhile, Kirk maneuvers his way into trapping the Karidian players on the Enterprise with no escape route, so he can pursue his investigation into the murders of the other eyewitnesses without any serious impediment. He has very good reason to believe one of the players is murdering the eyewitnesses, most likely Karidian himself, but Kirk wants to be very sure about identifying Karidian as Kodos before he pulls the jaws of his trap shut.

This is all very understandable, but we end up with a cold, scheming, almost detached Kirk who is privately struggling to navigate the complexity of the investigation, the weight of the accusation he may have to make (but with it, the opportunity for justice at last), and the danger surrounding the serial killing of the eyewitnesses. Trapping the Karidian players on the Enterprise—that is, trapping the murderer on the Enterprise—puts himself and his crew directly in harm's way, a choice he rarely ever makes outside of the mandates of the five-year mission.

In fact, one of Kirk's most absolutely consistent qualities throughout TOS is his intense concern for his crew and general prioritization of their welfare as far as the mission allows. But there are a few occasions when he's forced to react to some kind of monumental, horrific event that has directly touched his own life, and in those cases, he tends to get consumed in dealing with The Horror and acts in ways profoundly unlike his usual self.

This doesn't only happen in "The Conscience of the King," but it's most conspicuous there. Kirk admits that he doesn't even know if he's after justice or vengeance, and when he says of his conduct around the investigation, "I've done things I've never done before," we can easily believe it.

Throughout much of this investigation, Kirk doesn't really talk to McCoy, a good friend. Kirk is prickly and standoffish towards Spock (something he almost never is in TOS), and as mentioned above, he tries to protect Riley by demoting him back down into engineering to keep him out of physical danger. When Spock correctly points out that Riley is a good officer who will take this as a punishment, Kirk brusquely shuts him down, and it's not completely clear if this is deliberate misdirection or genuine if displaced anger. Maybe he's cutting himself off from the person closest to him rather than face the emotional stakes of the genocide and more recent murders, or maybe it's a still more calculated (and highly unusual) attempt to keep Spock at arm's length.

Neither motive is sustainable, though. Spock's interpretation is later justified by a brief scene focused on Riley. Another officer jokes over the intercom about what Riley did to fuck up, and Riley admits that he has no idea what he did wrong, but finds it lonely and depressing to be so alone. The other officer half-jokes that Riley's heart is sore, and Riley asks Uhura to sing over the intercom so he at least feels like he's "not the only living thing left in the universe." Hell of a sentence in this context.

So at this point, Kirk's fixation on purely concrete, physical threats has led him to functionally isolate both himself and Riley. The fact that he and Riley share such a horrific experience and are now the last direct eyewitnesses to it still alive, yet Kirk's approach to this whole thing leads to Riley feeling completely alone in the universe—probably not the first time Riley has felt that way! all things considered!—pretty clearly signals that there's something wrong with how Kirk is thinking about this and approaching it.

It's not wrong in the sense of being directly immoral. Kirk's desire to protect Riley is both righteous and sympathetic, and his fear that Riley is in danger is quickly justified. Kirk has every right to try and stop the murders of the eyewitnesses (even if he weren't one of them!), and he's definitely right to pursue the justice that they've been denied for 20 years. But that's not all that's happening. Kirk leans on his professional power to get away with this, he calls in past favors, he generally jeopardizes the entire career/reputation that defines his fundamental sense of himself as a person, as well as leaving Riley convinced that his own career is in jeopardy as well, all to get the moving parts of these schemes in order. And Kirk does all this without explaining anything to anyone, including the other person most concerned.

Like, his way of handling this is just profoundly unhealthy for both of them. There's a reason that Kirk vacillates between "I don't want to rashly accuse this man of atrocities against sentient life with my sterling reputation backing whatever I choose to say, unless I'm really super ultra sure" and "maybe just fucking murdering this monster on the spot will let the dead sleep at last."

He acts this way here for the same reason, I think, that his response to Tom Leighton identifying Karidian as Kodos and desperately reaching out to him ("Jim, four thousand people were butchered ... Jim, Jim, I need your help") is indignant denial and effectively running away, yet he also can't resist the impulse to pick up the investigation anyway.

Kirk promptly starts researching the major figures involved via the powerful computers on the Enterprise; he reverses his decision to turn his back on Leighton and beams back down to join Leighton's cocktail party, seizing his chance to observe the Karidian players; with Karidian himself out of sight, Kirk zeroes in on Karidian's nineteen-year-old daughter Lenore as the obvious weak link and begins one of his most purely cold-blooded flirtations in the show, quietly maneuvering and/or extracting information every time they interact—and he initiates all of this before Leighton is murdered. And we'll see that vacillation repeat at varying points throughout the episode. Again and again, Kirk will resist truly engaging with the enormity of the genocide's legacy for him and others, but at the same time, we find him so clearly unable to move on, constantly shifting between avoidant uncertainty and this calculating, inexorable pursuit of justice/vengeance.

He's not the only one stuck, either. From almost the earliest moments of the episode, we see that Tom Leighton has built a successful career and loving marriage over the last 20 years, yet after his murder, his widow confides in Kirk that Leighton never really found peace. The rest of the episode makes it evident that this is equally true of Kirk himself. He has been very successful in his profession, like Leighton. He has built close relationships, most importantly with Spock, who has an intimate enough understanding of him to recognize the signs of danger and figure him out, like Martha. And like Leighton, Kirk has never found peace (something confirmed again as late as S3). And I would argue that in the end, it seems that Riley, too, has never really found peace.

Speaking of Spock! As all of this is unwinding, we repeatedly cut to Spock picking up on Kirk's dodgy behavior and investigating him. McCoy is reluctant to connect Kirk's ostensible interest in Lenore Karidian to the unexplained demotion of Riley or to whatever happened with Leighton—he really wants "Lenore is hot" to be the only explanation. But to Spock, all these disparate oddities are plainly related, and it frustrates him that McCoy refuses to see that or ally with him in breaking through to Kirk somehow.

Spock also correctly guesses that Kirk's pursuit of Lenore is actually about her father, even before discovering the genocide. When he searches for some underlying connection between Kirk's odd behaviors, he looks for common history between Riley, Kirk, Leighton, and Anton Karidian. At any rate, to Spock's analytical mind, the demotion of Riley is obviously part of the puzzle and obviously important. Of course, the Venn diagram of red flags that only Spock sees leads him to discover the actual common history no one is talking about.

It's this silence and isolation that ultimately makes Riley vulnerable to Lenore's murder attempt. The fact that he was lonely, and kept the intercom on to listen to Uhura sing and talk to his friends, is the only reason he survived Lenore poisoning him. He was able to call for help in time because he'd already reached out to other people. And it's in the wake of Riley's near-death that Spock is finally able to browbeat McCoy into (sort of) backing him in getting through to Kirk, their mutual friend, even if they relate to him in different ways. Spock's sharp question to Kirk just cuts through all the silence and scheming and bluster:

Why do you invite death?

This forces Kirk into an honest conversation about his plans and motives and what's going on with him. He's actually ambivalent until McCoy suggests letting it go, even if Karidian is Kodos—an option Kirk and Spock both sharply reject throughout the episode, but especially here:

MCCOY: What if you decide he is Kodos? What then? Do you play God, carry his head through the corridors in triumph? That won't bring back the dead, Jim. KIRK: No, but they may rest easier.

Apart from McCoy's struggle, the main implication here is that Kirk is considering not just a formal accusation against Karidian vs holding back due to insufficient evidence, but the third possibility of just straight-up murdering him. This would destroy Kirk's life as he knows it, of course, but he's at least considering that it may be the only way to make things right.

That choice wouldn't make him another Kodos by any stretch of the imagination, but it would reduce his existence to something entirely shaped by Kodos, by the genocide, by the genocide-apologia murders—by people who repeatedly suggest he's subhuman. Kirk has spent two decades crafting a life and personhood that isn't defined by what was done to him and Riley and Leighton and thousands of others, and he's on the edge of torching it all.

I think this is the real fundamental tension of "The Conscience of the King." The whodunnit of "Karidian is Kodos, but the murderer is Lenore" is far less central and compelling than what psychological path Kirk is going to take. He might choose pathological caution, demanding an impossible level of certainty that will let him avoid making the call and keep running; he might choose justice, making the accusation that all evidence in front of him as well as his own memory tells him is true, putting himself through reliving it as the older surviving eyewitness, but also living to see Kodos held accountable; he might choose vengeance, murdering a now-unarmed, elderly war criminal on the spot even if it means losing everything else that matters to him.

He's still hovering between those options as McCoy leaves the dispute. Spock, however, stubbornly stays with Kirk and keeps pushing. Because of that, Spock hears the hidden overloaded phaser that would have taken out the whole deck. That's what gives them enough time to evacuate the deck and safely dispose of the phaser. If Spock had noped out and gone back to the bridge or science labs, Kirk would have died. But Spock cares too much about Kirk and understands him too well to do that. Kirk survives because of his relationship with Spock.

It's the nearly-realized threat to Kirk's crew combined with the murder attempt against Riley that angers Kirk enough to abandon his schemes and just confront Karidian directly. The implication that Kirk is considering murder becomes explicit:

KARIDIAN: Blood thins. The body fails. One is finally grateful for a failing memory. I no longer treasure life, not even my own. I am tired! And the past is a blank. Did you get everything you wanted, Captain Kirk? KIRK: If I had gotten everything I wanted, you might not walk out of this room alive.

While all this is going down in Karidian's quarters, Riley has recovered in Sickbay from the poisoning. He happens to overhear McCoy's medical log mention that the motive for poisoning may be the possibility that Karidian is Kodos.

Riley, younger and more straightforward and impetuous, isn't afflicted by Kirk's indecision. He slips out, steals a phaser, and sneaks backstage to the Karidian players' performance, hearing enough of Karidian's speech to recognize him as Kodos and try to avenge his family. But as soon as Kirk receives reports about Riley's disappearance and the theft of the phaser, he knows what Riley has set out to do—the very thing he's been considering.

He orders Riley found and restrained, but seems to know this won't succeed, and rushes to the theatre himself. At this point, the stakes of the Kirk-Riley drama crystallize. Kirk's fixation on Riley's physical safety has always been short-sighted. The deliberate isolation of either himself or Riley has been a mistake from the beginning. The greatest danger to both Kirk and Riley has always been that either of them might self-destruct and assassinate Kodos, closing off the possibility of moving past him and what he did to them. Their lives would never be free of him.

Erin Horáková's famous "Kirk Drift" essay argues that the person most wholly defined by Kodos and the genocide at Tarsus IV is ultimately Lenore Karidian. Obviously, Kirk and Riley are in no danger of becoming the next generation of space Nazi genocide apologists. But they are in danger of their fundamental, autonomous, full personhoods—personhoods explicitly placed into doubt by both Kodos and Lenore—becoming reduced to monuments to Kodos, as Lenore's is. And I think that's a very fair reading.

The solution isn't for Kirk or Riley to kill him, nor for either to detach himself from the full horror of what happened. It's for Kirk to save Riley by personally finding and stopping him from reducing his life that way. I'm not sure anyone else alive could have gotten Riley to back down, nor that Kirk could have if they weren't finally in the same physical space. And I think the point at which Kirk stops Riley is the point at which we feel certain that Kirk isn't going to go down that path, either. It was for me, anyway!

I think it's also significant that the backstage conversation between Kirk and Riley is what triggers Kodos's attempt to confess to Lenore and express any kind of remorse for what he did. Like so many other like him, he thought he could unleash atrocities in his official capacity and then switch it off and have a normal family life, with an impermeable wall erected between the atrocities and his supposedly pure and innocent loved ones. But that was never going to happen, and Kodos is forced to face the reality that everything he touched was going to be tainted. Taking the shot intended for Kirk isn't redemptive; it's his only way out.

And that ultimate confrontation only happens because Kirk finally understood that protecting Riley meant more than keeping him alive.

-----------------

*Yes, I know this role was not originally written for that Riley. Irrelevant to the end result!

[miyaz6ki]

☆ wearing their clothes

synopsis. seeing s/o wearing their clothes for the first time :) (like shirts/sweatshirts or jackets/coats :pensive:)

the blade has spoken. erm... first draft being posted... i feel a little nervous after changing from reshinless to the user i use everywhere..

pairings. albedo, alhaitham, capitano, childe, wriothesley, diluc, neuvillette, kinich, xiao, dainsleif, wanderer

albedo felt himself heating up already. the red that crept up his neck was noticeable as you looked up. you were wearing his lab coat, and all cozy in the bed you both share.

"you're.. wearing.. my.." - "oh.. wow."

he had just come back from work and he couldn't wait to cuddle with you in bed, yet it was as if he wouldn't mind conducting another experiment with his new 'assistant' by his side <3

alhaitham when he suddenly walks into the empty home, tired of the work he's done for only archons knows how long he had been working. he just wanted to come home and tell you about all the things he's been- oh.

he was stunned. star struck. fuck. were you really wearing his sweater right now? the grayhead felt himself simply smirk at he adorable sight of you simply sleeping on the couch. a dinner made just for him, along with dessert on the side (ifykyk)

"maybe i'll tell you when i wake up, love."

capitano who simply lets out a chuckle, one out of love. he loves how large his coat looked on you. he handed it to you after going out for a while, asking you to simply hang it beside his desk. yet you had better ideas. and by better ideas? is to wear it of course!

"well what do we have here? you're so adorable my love."

he tucks strands of your hair behind your ear. adoring the way you tried your best not to fall over as you tried to spin. this was enough to keep you warm though. not to mention how he was already carrying you bridal style to bed.

childe laughs, seeing you try on one of his shirts, looking at yourself in the mirror before turning to see him.

baby, you look amazing! how about another spin?

even when you simply scoffed, he loved how you looked right now. fuck, he could feel himself reddening already. he definitely will let you have full access to his wardrobe. just take it all like how you took his heart too.

wriothesley just put his jacket over you to keep you from being wet while watching the melusines play with sigewinne, yet right now he was more focused on how much he admired your figure in his clothes. his jacket.

"what's wrong?" "...nothing. you look amazing today, yk that?"

he chuckled at your behavior, unaware of your own attractiveness as you told them to stop running around the fountain with the wetness of the floor spreading. you couldn't help but ease up and laugh as well.

a certainly crazy day at the court of justice- neuvillette was finally finishing up the last few cases, not to mention how absurd some of the cases were.

not realizing he ended up taking your jacket instead of his home, only realizing it when the melusines mention how different it look from his usual one. oh man. there you were. trying on his coat that just seemed a little too big (or small) on you. gosh were you cute.. what do you mean his ears are red?!

"i.. it looks better on you than me, doesn it?"

dainsleif who was there immediately as soon as the red wine was spilled onto your outfit. quick to spring into acting, he throws his jacket over it just as fast. scolding the person who jealously just oh-so accidentally ruined your outfit tonight purely because they wanted your significant other? oh please he wasn't having any of that!

but by the time his anger went away, he didn't realize how.. alluring you looked.. in something he wore all the time. it definitely suited you better, only noticing after he finally parked the car. he definitely had to give you more of his clothes.

"you.. uh.. i.. well.. you're beautiful. you know, you're welcome to keep that."

diluc's face was turning as red as his hair seeing how you quietly snored, sound asleep in his- no, your shared bed. seeing how closely you held his coat to your chest, as well as the shirt you wore.

"...I don't.. deserve you."

he simply took his boots off, letting his arms snake you close, one of his hands trailing up to your scalp, calmly stroking your head as he feels you smile into his chest. this was life.

kinich who always had an interesting wardrobe, you really just wanted to see how comfy his clothes were if he can swing back and forth that far!

and in which you did, spinning and looking at yourself in the mirror in his clothing. you loved it even more from how it smelled just like him too <3

"someone's having fun aren't they?"

you felt yourself blush out of embarassment of getting caught. but before you could apologize, he already had his lips on yours.

when xiao decides it'd be a good idea to give you a hoodie just to realize you never gave it back. is it just.. yours now?

and to find out the answer? yes! it is! and he finds out in the cutest way possible—by finding you sleeping soundly and wearing it all the same. almost indifferent about it as if it was normal.

"you okay?" "i-i've been looking for this y-you know.."

he only flushed more when you tell him you missed him so much.

finally coming home, wanderer, or scaramouche just wanted to cuddle. no words shared. just to hold you in his arms.

but maybe it was good that didn't happen. because now he was looking at the love of his life, and eating the food they made him. knowing how they made it with the knowledge on how he can't really taste anything. not to mention you were wearing.. that sweatshirt he lent you.

you.. look.. good.

[moonstruckme]

request: was thinking about that one video that’s like “my wife, she’ll get upset if she sees you touching me like that on my chest” “i am your wife” and then the heart monitor starts going crazy and that put a doctor remus idea in my head after r gets out of surgery/is on anesthesia for something or other

Thanks for requesting!

cw: hospital, mention of surgery

doctor!Remus x fem!reader ♡ 855 words

Lots of people would probably be happy to have their significant other visit them at work, but as it turns out, Remus really doesn’t like it. He’s used to seeing patients post-op, and yet somehow when it’s you it feels sad, all those tubes and wires connected to his girl. The fluorescent lighting turns your complexion wan and the wary frown on your lips as a nurse checks your vitals makes Remus’ heart feel like a bruise. 

It helps some when you notice his entry and they stretch into a dopey smile instead. 

“Hi, dove.” His voice is soft and smitten, an automatic reaction to seeing you that he’s already heard the new residents commenting on in the break room. “How are you feeling?” 

“I’m okay.” You tug at the sheets on your bed. Ball them in your fists like you might be nervous. “My stomach hurts a little.” 

“That’s normal,” Remus assures you, even as his stomach dips in sympathy. He sits on the edge of your bed, taking your hand and beginning to draw tight circles into the inside of your wrist. “If it starts to hurt worse, or badly at all, you should let me know, alright?” 

“Okay.” Your voice has quieted slightly, your eyes following the motion of his thumb on your skin. You glance at the nurse as though checking if she sees. Remus feels his lips tip up bemusedly. 

“Everything alright?” he asks the nurse.

She smiles at the both of you, passing him a clipboard. “She’s stable, ready to move when you’d like.” 

“Thanks,” he says, reading over your vitals quickly after she leaves. He sets the clipboard down and gives your hand a squeeze. If your heart monitor gives a quick beep, he pretends not to notice. “You’re all set, lovely girl. We’ll get you to your own room in just a bit.” 

You nod, not seeming to hear him. You look to be gnawing on the inside of your lip. 

“Hey, don’t do that,” Remus says gently, thumbing it free. Your eyes widen, and he drops his thumb to your chin, looking you in the eyes. “Is something the matter?”

You rub your lips together hesitantly. It’s normal to have a small fever after surgery, but your face feels suspiciously warm. “I just, um, I have a boyfriend.” 

Remus feels his face split into an irrepressible grin. He’d been wondering how the anesthesia would affect you. “Yeah, dove,” he agrees, delighted, “I know you do.” 

“I don’t…” Your eyes dart to where his thumb still rests on your chin, your shoulders gravitating towards your ears. “I think it would upset him if he knew you were touching me like this.” 

Truly, this could not be any better. Remus wishes he’d brought a video camera like James wanted him to. “I am your boyfriend, sweetheart.” 

Your expression freezes in place, but your heart monitor starts beeping loudly. Your eyes dart to it, alarm and embarrassment worsening, and Remus laughs, dropping his hand from your chin in favor of rubbing your shoulder until both you and the machine calm down. 

“You?” you ask. You appear nothing short of flabbergasted. 

“Yes.” He brings your hand to his smiling lips, kissing your knuckles as if to prove it. “Why, are you surprised?” 

“You’re serious,” you check. Remus has the opportunity to make a joke here, but he worries it’d only confuse you more. 

“I am,” he says. 

“But you’re so handsome.”

Another laugh startles out of him. “And what do you think you are? Of course,” he gives your knuckles another brief peck just to see your eyes flare again, “I would love you no matter how you looked, but you’re a far cry from hideous yourself.” 

You look taken aback by this news as well. Remus is half tempted to find you a mirror. 

Then you ask, voice soft as down feathers, “You love me?” 

Something in Remus’ chest goes all warm and mushy. “I do,” he says sincerely. “I love you so much, sweetheart, sometimes I don’t know what to do with it all.” 

You smile until your eyelashes kiss, and he can’t resist cupping your face again, smoothing his thumb along the skin of your cheek. 

“So that’s why you’re here?” you ask. 

“Well,” he hesitates, “yes, but I’m also here because I work here.” 

Your eyebrows raise. Your gaze dips to his white coat as if remembering it for the first time in a while. “Oh. You’re a doctor and my boyfriend?” 

“That’s right.” He squints at you amusedly. “Did you think I just snuck in here in a white coat so I could see you?” 

“My boyfriend is a doctor.” You don’t seem to be talking to anyone in particular, perhaps just asking the universe for confirmation. 

Remus decides to get back to business. “Right again, dove. I think it’s about time we get you to your room, yeah? Anything else I can do for you, anything you need?” 

“Nope.” You lay your head back on the pillow, looking somehow more dazed than when he’d come in. “I think I’m set. Like, probably for life.”

[chihomichannel]

Ember's Roar | Geum Seongje

| pairing: geum seongje x f!reader | summary:  When you seem to not be meant for a normal life, further solidified when you got caught entangled in the web of Geum Seongje’s world.  | warnings: mentions of abuse (can be triggering, please read with caution), blood, physical fights, manipulation, minor mention of suicide, violence, mature themes, strong language | word count: 5.4k | a/n: It’s finals but the pull was too strong, I found myself writing after having not written for a long long time omg. Lee jun young makes me feral yall. Anyways, hope you enjoy and here’s to more geum seong je fics plsplspls

| note: Ma Seokhee (Hayden Ma) and Hwangmo are from the webtoon of weak hero./ cross-posted on my ao3 acc

The adults always said that you were so cheerful when you were younger. They often comment on how meek and quiet you’ve become now when you used to be such an extroverted child. Tales of you unabashedly making friends with strangers you meet in transportations, in malls, in parks, and in all kinds of places, stories of dancing and singing loudly in front of everyone’s eyes and affection, long passed and buried in the years since then that you’ve forgotten how different you were back then.

But what you do remember was your dad leaving and your mom becoming sad, bitter and angry. And then she began to hit you, harsher than the times she told you off when you made mistakes. Since then, no matter how much you tried to appease her, everything you did was a mistake. And with every mistake, a consequence follows. She told you it’s because she loves you, she wants you to become a good person and for that to happen, she needs to discipline you. And that she did day after day, years after years, until you learned how to be sly enough to convince her not to do so sometimes. But you aren’t always so lucky, it’s just that you are sometimes and you like to make sure to be one. And so you became compliant and quiet, because that way, the monster that holds your mother’s heart captive won’t awaken and find a reason to hurt you. 

So you like to keep your peace. You only mind your business and stay quiet. Only keep a few close friends and aim to achieve the average, no failing grades but just enough to pass your subjects. A wallflower, a person who’s there but purposely avoids the limelight. For the most part, no one paid you any mind. You’re the person in everyone’s periphery, no one significant. 

But when you reside within Yeongdeungpo and go to school in Ganghak, you should’ve known peace wasn’t an option you could keep. Or maybe you weren’t just meant to live a peaceful life outside of home now that during the class seating rearrangement, your lucky hands picked the paper that contained the number of the seat next to Geum Seongje. That was when you learned how funny envy can be and how quick it can turn things around with a snap of a finger. But you’ve known it for years, it’s just that now you realize that this is what happened to your mother, and you could only laugh that the same thing came back years later to bite you in the ass.

And now you found yourself outside, beads of sweat slid down the side of your face with the sun high up in the sky. Gone was the comfort of the cold breeze of the AC now that Jiyeon and her minions dragged you out of school grounds, in an alleyway just beside the school premises. It has been two weeks since the seat changes. You and Seongje don’t even interact, much less see each other. The guy doesn’t even go to school much, only three times since you became his seatmate. 

You were apprehensive at first, but upon seating next to him, you both kept to yourselves. It wasn’t like you gave him any reason to bat an eye on your business. You kept a respectful distance, not even letting your eyes land on the boy, what with the ever so famous three second rule you’ve heard about. You kept quiet and did not disturb the guy in any way at all. You just wanted to live your life and survive. 

But keeping quiet wasn’t enough. Geum Seongje, despite his notorious reputation, still had girls fawning over his feet. He’s handsome, and has a disturbingly sweet smile that contradicts his violent nature. It was exactly that handsome face that drove the girls in your class insane at the fact that you, a nobody, gets to sit beside him, albeit rarely with him absent most of the time. Still, it was enough for envy to boil hot in the guts of the girls in your class. Who are you to be deserving of such a place? A place you would willingly give if they just ask. But of course, violence and evil runs deep in the roots of everyone’s feet. It is in the nature of humans to resolve into violence the second they find a reason to perform such action, no matter how unreasonable it may be.

Your quiet outside life turned to slaps, humiliation, degradation, and violence, no longer different to the tense one you have at home. All of this just because you happened to sit next to their hopeless obsession. Oh how much it made your stomach sick to be quiet. To act exactly like at home now that you can’t live as carefree outside now that you’ve become their target. With each passing day, your head went to a mantra. Just a few more and it will be over soon, they’ll get bored. Just a few more and it will be over soon, they’ll get bored. Just a few more and it will be over soon, they’ll get bored. 

But it didn’t end. And your sanity was at its wits end. No matter where you went, there was someone waiting to hurt you. But what were you to do? What could you fucking do? In your mother’s case, you love her too much to fight back. But Jiyeon and her minions? They are a lot and you were only one. Your friends took their distance, too afraid to be caught on the net of Jiyeon’s wrath. And suddenly, you found yourself all alone but surrounded at the same time. Fear turns to sadness turns to frustration and turns to anger. What are you going to do?

Seongje took a puff of his smoke, arm perched upon the railing of the rooftop, hand covered with the blood of the boy who lay squirming on the ground. He heard Hwangmo drag the boy further away from him, cleaning up after his mess. The boy had been a transferee that was stupid enough to look at him for more than three seconds. Bloodthirsty and draggingly bored, it was only fitting that Seongje had to teach him a lesson. But it was uneventful as the boy did not give a fight. And Seongje hates boring things the most. So when his eyes landed on the scene below him, at the alleyway Jiyeon and her friends dragged you to, a chuckle leaves his mouth, the cigarette vibrating along his chapped lips. With another puff, Seongje turned his full attention to the scene unfolding below. It was amusing to him, how every girl he happened to sit next to in class fell victim to bullying just because of him. He liked it, his pride and ego filled.

He watched as the girls surrounded you, Jiyeon pushing you to the ground. Everyday she torments you to no end. Follows you home, follows you to the bathroom, follows you everywhere. It was like she’s obsessed with you, obsessed to hurt you just because Seongje does not give her the time of day.

Then Jiyeon straddles you, gripping a chunk of your hair.

A match enflames.

“Who the fuck do you think you are glaring at me like that, HUH?” Jiyeon screams in your face. You must have unconsciously let your eyes look at her dangerously. You realized it was weird, right now you didn’t feel fear. And what you do feel is a small burning fire churning in your stomach. 

Is this rage?

Jiyeon pulls your head upwards by your hair and slaps your cheek, spitting on your eyes.

The fire engulfs the match.

Suddenly, the heat was replaced by a stream of cold water, drenching your upper body as Jiyeon splashed the dirty water from the bathroom and onto your face. By this point, you aren‘t hearing what they were talking about, they were just a buzz of noise as your eyes filled with red with Jiyeon so close to your face.

The fire rages high and into your eyes, and in every cell of your body.

With all your strength, you thrust Jiyeon upwards, flipping your positions so that she is facing down with your legs wrapped around her head. Using their shock to your advantage, you swung your fist into her face, her nose making an audible crack as she cried in pain “yOU FUCK-“ You took the handkerchief in your pocket and slammed and pushed it into her mouth.

You stood up, turning around to face the other four girls. They stumble backwards at your glare, your eyes that refused to meet others now seemingly burn under the darkened glare as your eyes zeroed in on one of them, running and using that momentum to kick her in the stomach, making her fall and stumble backwards.

This seemed to awaken the others from their stupor as they began to gang up on you. Grabbing your arms and hair to stop you as you began to mount on the girl you had just kicked. Their collective strength pulled you up from the girl on the ground, your legs flailing in retaliation.

Fueled by adrenaline rush, you managed to get away from their grip, immediately giving a punch on the gut of the nearest girl. The velocity to which your fist came made her curl and fall to the ground.

With three down, your eyes locked on the next girl, running to her as she began to stumble out of your way, fear flashing her eyes at your sudden violence. You used your whole body to push her on the ground, making you both fall. You felt the other girl join in, trying to push you off her friend, kicking and punching your back. But you persistently locked the girl under you on the ground, not caring of the fist hitting your sides as you clutched her hair with both hands and slamming it up and down to the hard ground as the rage in your stomach continue to burn and rage, your mind losing itself into the fight, your goal only to hurt everyone in sight.

With last two slams of the girl’s head to the ground, you let out a pained angered roar as you transferred your attention to the girl who helplessly tried to pry you off her friend. The change in attention caused her to fall to her side when you turned around to grip her leg. She kicked her leg, screaming for you to let go but the rage, the adrenaline, and the desire for revenge made your grip tight like a cobra, unwilling to relent until you get what you desire.

As the girl tried to crawl away from you, you reached forward so that you could trap her legs into your arms, using your upper body weight to keep her in place as you punched and punched her leg, not stopping until her leg stopped flailing. Whimpers and cries filled your ears, but your eyes still raged fire.

Satisfied that the four minions are done, you stood up, dangerously walking towards Jiyeon who had now sat up, looking up at you in horror “I-Im s-s-sorry” she says, putting her hand up as a shield as you continue walking towards her “Fuck! Leave me alone! Leave me alone!” She screams. This makes you chuckle, grabbing a fist of her hair, slapping her face again and again, but no matter how much you slap her, the insatiable feeling never left. Unsatisfied, your hand curled into a fist, and with every rage in your body, your fists met her throat, making her let out a strangled cough. Before you could throw another punch, you felt a solid metal collide with your side, sending you flying. 

You felt a lump in your throat, coughing up blood at the sudden critical hit “You fucking bitch! How dare you fucking hurt Jiyeon like that, huh?!” It was Ma Seokhee, stalking towards you and landing a kick on your stomach. 

His kicks leaves you coughing more blood, but despite of crying, Seokhee grew unsettled when you began to laugh maniacally “Jiyeon won’t fucking date you, you turd”

This enrages Seokhee, using this distraction, you didn’t give him time to react as you kicked his leg with all your strength, making him fall to the ground. Swiftly, you grabbed his bat, wasting no time to bash it into his head. Have you not done so, you wouldn’t stand a chance. You give three more hits using his bat, stopping once he’s knocked out. 

Then you turned to Jiyeon, a hollowness circling your orbs that made Jiyeon shiver “We’re not done yet”

She cried in horror, standing up to run away when I began to stalk towards her. But your adrenaline was faster. You used the momentum of running, raising the bat high, jumping and hitting Jiyeon in the back, sending her flying as if she was the ball.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

The fire dies down, the match blackened and spent.

Someone whistles “I was so sure you were gonna bash her head” Seongje chuckles. You turned sharply at the sound of his voice, your breath ragged. Your blood turns ice cold at his gaze. The adrenaline has washed off, there was no way you would win against him. Your eyes fell to the ground as quickly as it met his. This caused Seongje to scoff slightly, taking a long drag of his cigarette before tossing it to the ground and crushing it with his feet “What, don’t wanna fight me?” he mocks.

Seongje takes his time, his feet slow and his eyes piercing you with an amused, curious glare. His feet stopped right in front of you. You felt him bend down to your ears, whispering “What will you do now? Tsk-” he leaned away, head beckoning to Seokhee who remained unconscious on the ground “No matter how retarted he can be-” Seongje sighs, head shaking slightly as his gaze fell back on you “this asshole is still part of the union” 

Your eye twitched, warm tingling dread crept up your nerves, engulfing every limb, every organ, and every cell, gradually building up in every crevice of your being. Then he chuckles, his voice so loud and ringing in your ear “You know what I'm talking about, right?” he says rather than asks, a finger harshly pulls your head up, holds it firmly to meet your gaze. And the dread in your stomach morphs into reality “I’m sorry-” though he does not mean it, not when his eyes burn predatorily as if his gaze can devour you entirely “-but we can’t just let you go now that you’ve hit one of us, can we?”

———

With your luck, you often question why you have to live that kind of life when everyone else has it normal. You just wanted normal, that’s all it was. But your life was worse than extraordinary, it was dreadful. You commend yourself for not killing yourself yet.

Since that day, Geum Seongje made it clear that you are within his turf now. He has ordered you to be around him, saying that he needs to keep an eye on you. But you both knew that was an excuse, you think he’s just interested that you managed to take six people down, one of them being his own men. You weren’t particularly strong, it was just the adrenaline and the pent up anger. Students in Ganghak found out about what happened, intrigued but stayed away now that Seongje “adopted” you in his little gang of minions.

Hwangmo was at least tolerable, but Seokhee wasn’t too keen with your presence, holding a grudge he swore he will someday make you pay for. Although that couldn’t be anytime soon now that Seongje made it clear to him that he must not lay a hand on you. It was jarring, how Seongje can be so malicious but he hasn’t laid a hand on you yet, waiting for the right time to bare his fangs into his prey like the wolf he is.

You swore he would jump at the chance to hit you, but he hasn’t yet. And you will make sure he won’t find a reason to. It was already unlucky that you managed to capture his gaze, you just need to be compliant just like you do with your mother. Seongje is a whole other strength that you wouldn’t be able to manage, all you could do for now is to be quiet. Maybe he’ll grow bored of you that way.

However, you shouldn’t have been so sure it would go as smoothly as you manage your mother’s anger. Seongje is a schemer. And with that, he will make you do what he wants you to do, directly or indirectly. He makes sure of it. 

“Y/N” he says quietly, arms crossed as his eyes remain on the teacher. It was one of the rare occasions he decided to come to class “I want you to drop by this address after school and get a package, bring it to me immediately. Just give this to the cashier and they’ll give you what I need. I will be waiting at the rooftop” Seongje slides a small paper across from his desk to mine, an address written messily. You nod wordlessly, worried that you might get home late to your mother and risk her wrath while also a bit glad to not go home yet. Either way, it’s bad, so you’ll just follow Seongje’s order.

As instructed, your feet dragged you along to the bus stop, hopped on the bus, and got off three stations later. Tired, you hadn’t noticed the watchful eyes of two boys who were waiting by the bus stop. You continued along your path to the address Seongje has asked you to go to, unaware of the two who hovered over your shadow, hiding behind posts, eyeing where you would go. They kept their distance, as ordered.

Finally, you reached the building. It was a sauna spa. Entering, you reached the counter, handing the cashier the paper Seongje had given you. With a curt nod, the cashier bent down and got up not less than a minute later with a bag in his hand. He placed it on the counter, eyeing you up and down “It’s just you?” he asked, eyebrow raised.

“Just me” he looked at you skeptically but handed the bag anyway. It was heavy, a hunch on what it contained plagued your mind, but you ignored it. You don't need to know more details, just do what you have to do. With a small nod, you bid farewell and exited the spa shortly. It hadn’t been five minutes since you arrived. You couldn’t help but wonder if this is really just as simple as that.

The sun had begun to set and the quiet road was painted orange. The air starts to become cold with the sun beginning to hide away into the night. Suddenly, you heard a foot scrunch behind you. For a moment, your footsteps blundered to a pause, but almost as quickly, you resumed your pace. One step after another, the shadow behind you grew larger. Your steps hurried but the person behind you was quicker. Just as you were about to run, your feet abruptly halt at his voice “You’ve been way too boring, you know?”

With a sharp turn, you came face to face with Geum Seongje. He has his hands in his pockets, glasses perched up on his nose and his eyes sizing you up dangerously “Seongje?” you asked, confused at his presence. He chuckles, slowly walking towards you “I was thinking you could amuse me but you’ve been way too compliant-” he says, head tilting in disappointment “-its actually getting quite annoying” he tsk-ed, feet stopping at least two feet away from you, hands still in his pockets. His face contorted to that of annoyance, and suddenly, your confusion turned to fear. Why is he here?

“What are you talking about?” you ask, although your eyes do not meet his. You can’t, especially now that he radiates an intent to kill. Anxious, your hand gripped the bag tightly. Seongje sighs heavily, eyes looking around for any sign of an audience. Satisfied that you’re alone, he suddenly grabbed your arm “No hard feelings, just orders from above” his lips morphed into a grin, his smile reaching up to his ears. His smile was so sweet with his gums on display, but you could only feel horror at its sight. He dragged you along a closed alleyway, wincing at his hard, pressing grip “What?!” you couldn’t help but ask, trying to get away but his hold was too strong. It was like his hands were cuffs, unwilling and unrelenting.

When Seongje did let you go, it was when he smashed you onto the hard wall, the impact momentarily stealing the breath out of your lungs. Letting go of the bag, your hand gripped the wall for support, looking up at Seongje in apprehension “What was that for?” Still, he didn’t answer your question. The boy only gave you his shit-eating grin before hurriedly pouncing on you, his fists landing on your right cheek. You let out a pained gasp, your mind running miles per hour. Did you offend him? Disobey him? Did you look at him for more than three seconds? You were sure you didn’t. You meticulously made sure he would not find any reason to hurt you. So why…?

“Shit, I don’t usually hurt girls but you have to understand, Baekjin asked me to” he says as if he was sorry, but the chuckles that followed after that solidified that he was not. Na Baekjin? But why would he?

Before you could think, Seongje grabs a chunk of your hair and drags you again. But this time, he drags to the ground, pinning your arms down with only one of his, his other hand slamming into a hard punch to your stomach “Fight back, you fucking bitch. Fight back like you did, come on, I’m trying here!” he complains as he boredly throws punch after punch, warmth beginning to pool in your mouth at his relentlessness.

Triggered, the bottom of your feet meets his crotch in a hard kick. Seongje curls in pain, but he laughs. Annoyed, you slammed your forehead into his, making both of you groan in pain, Seongje backing away now that he was just hit critically twice. He laughs merrily, hand brushing his hair away from his face as I eyed him incredulously “What the fuck is wrong with you?” you couldn’t help but spit, making him even more amused. Your head still wringing from the impact of meeting his. You stumbly got on your feet, eyes never leaving Seongje. At this point, three seconds or not, it wouldn’t matter. He made it clear he wants to hurt you. So why should you comply, it’s not like he’s your mother. You held no affection for this boy, only anger.

He moans, tongue wetting his upper lips in anticipation “Yes, fuck–COME ON!” he yells, running towards you, hand curling into a fist as he goes to hit your sides. You yell in pain, arms curling around his trunks, letting him hit you as you ensured you clung on to him, using your nails to dig into his sides as you pushed yourself up to his neck, mouth finding his skin as you sunk your teeth into his flesh. Seongje lets out a pained scream, but his voice is still laced with a giddiness you couldn't understand. Your nails turned to fists as you hit his sides with all your might. You feel Seongje laugh at your futile attempts, successfully prying you off of him, throwing you back to the wall, putting some distance.

His hand found his neck, brushing it on his skin lightly and bringing his hand up to examine the blood “Damn” he says, laughing as he looked at you. Your eyes fell onto the bite mark you made on his neck, gulping as you began to realize the taste of his blood on your mouth. As he began to stalk towards you again, you got ready, expecting him to throw another punch but as you were about to hit his neck where you wounded him, his hands found yours, locking your arm with only one of his, feet locking yours as he pushed the both of you onto the wall, trapping you in his strength. You cried a pain of frustration, mouth grunting in pain when he threw a fast hard punch on your stomach then to your cheek. With you locked up, back pressed against the wall and Seongje trapping you in front with a strength you know you can’t fight against, there was nothing you could do “That all you can do?” he asks, face shoving itself in yours, forcing your eyes to meet his orbs. You chuckle, blood trickling down your mouth at the action “The fuck did you expect me to do? Beat you to a pulp?” you laugh, and this causes him to laugh too. The difference in strength was clear as day.

Seongje nods, throwing one last punch to your stomach that causes you to cough up blood. But he does not let you go, he still presses you onto the wall, hand brushing your locks behind your ear and whispers “I still have to knock you out though” and so Seongje wraps his hand around your neck, making you gasp for air. Your body helplessly flails, eyes glaring at the boy who is no longer smiling. Suddenly, you laugh, body vibrating “I-” you say, blood pooling in your mouth making it harder to speak, your hands finding his to pry it off your neck “Mom-” you choke, his eyebrows raising “What? Need your mom to save you?” 

That made you chuckle, but it seems that was one of the last few breaths you had in you. Your head began to feel lightheaded, the pain on your neck still as pressing and hard, your eyes was beginning to roll upwards when-

“Geum Seongje” Na Baekjin stands against the glow of the sunset, his face hidden in the contrast of light. He motions for Seongje to let go and instantly, his hands left your neck and backed away. You fall to the ground, gasping for air, coughing as you do so. 

Baekjin steps into the alleyway, grabbing the bag on the floor, and stopping a few feet away from Seongje. Baekjin examines him, eyebrows raised to see him bloodied when his opponent was just you “Why are you here? It’s not like you to go do the dirty job yourself” Seongje remarks, making Baekjin chuckle darkly.

“It’s just that-” Baekjin’s lips curled into a smirk as he sized up Seongje “-don’t you think it’s a bit too convenient that you were already here?”

Seongje laughs, his teeth and gums on display “Is it? I was the one who told you about this, of course I’d have my eyes on her too” You looked up, eyes darting between the two. What about you?

Baekjin’s eyes didn’t shy away of narrating his suspicions, glaring daggers into Seongje’s mirthful ones “And I told you, I already have my boys to go after her. So why is there a need for you to be here?” Baekjin’s voice held a dangerous growl “If this money had gone, you know what will happen right? Your fault or not”

The two continue to stare each other down. But you, it was then that everything clicked for you. Geum Seongje had fucking set you up.

Before Baekjin could prod further and before Seongje could implement his orchestrated plan, you spoke, not weak, not begging, but sharp “I needed the money”

The two men’s attention turned to you. Slowly, you got up from the ground, eyes hollowed as you looked up to meet their surprised and amused ones “It was easy money. I had always planned to leave, having that money would be incredibly useful” you say, chuckling slightly.

Baekjin’s eyes narrowed. He knows you didn’t, he knows you’ve been set up. But you’ve just rewritten the narrative, a factor Seongje didn’t account for in his plans. It was quiet, the silence heavy and charged. 

The silence was cut off by Seongje’s scoff, and Baekjin turned his gaze back to the boy in red blazers. Baekjin watched as the two of you stared down at each other. But whatever grudge there was between the two of you was not his business. All he knows is that you’ve just helped him mitigate the inevitable, and Baekjin recognizes this quality of yours. With a strained chuckle, Baekjin turns to you, getting your attention. “Is that so?” he nods, blinking slowly “Consider today a warning. Next time you get funny ideas, it’ll be me you’ll be dealing with”

With that, he turned and walked away.Then it’s just you and Seongje again, the air bloodied in tense silence. And when you begin to walk away, Seongje falls in pace beside you, both bloodied and dirtied up from the previous brawl “Why would you say that?” he asks.

“Why use me?” You stop, Seongje doing the same. He chuckles when you don't avert your eyes, it seems like you don’t care anymore. And that, Seongje prefers much more. 

“Was this to amuse you?” You pressed him “Or did you do this for another reason?” Seongje laughs, head looking down, lips pursed amusedly before looking back up to you “Do you want me to thank you?”

You scoff “No”

“Yeah?”

You stare at him, at his pretty smile and his condescending eyes “Wanna know what I think?” he raises his eyebrows at that, smiling “And what do you think?” his voice drawls into a smirk.

With a deep breath, you began “I think you want to run away. I think you don’t like being ordered around. I think you really hate being Baekjin’s dog because I think you want to do whatever you feel you want to do. But you can’t do shit as recklessly when you’re in the union. No, and so you want to anger Baekjin, you want to get excommunicated, you want out. But you’re also bored, but then I came along and your fucking pee brain thought I would be an easy chess piece in your own little game” Seongje’s smile widens, grinning dangerously as his eyes twinkled the more you talked. You who was meek and quiet, who kept to yourself, one day physically fought back and now even shit talks to him of all people, the person whose eyes you refused to meet, the person you were afraid of just minutes ago, the person you’re now insulting in front of his own damn face.

“You think you got me figured out?” He asks, voice laced in amusement and you scoff “Figure you out? Why the fuck would I want to do that you crazy psycho”

He bellows a laugh, looking around as if there were someone else seeing this right now “Mhm, and what? Did you think you did anything?”

“You think I didn’t?” you ask, lips curled into a condescending smirk “Yah, Geum Seongje, I lied to trap you here” His grin disappears, eyes dangerous as he stares back at you “You dragged me into this shit, so rot in it with me”

Then he laughs, much louder than the last, the loudest you’ve heard come out from him. What a waste of a handsome face, you thought as you watched him maniacally laugh “I have to say,” he starts, laugh beginning to die down as he gaze at you “I’m impressed” he chuckles, walking closer to you “You’ve become so blunt and unafraid” he curls a loose strand of your hair in his finger, making you flinch, to which he snorted “Or not?”

With a smirk, Seongje pushes your hair to the back of your neck, his calloused hands curling on your left cheek “I prefer this much better, you’re not so boring after all” he grins open mouthed, his tongue poking the side of his cheek, his thumb tracing along your jaw as he trapped your gaze in his eyes.

“It’d be fun to rot in this hellhole with you”

[stars-and-clouds]

Just saw a clip of unromanced Astarion's dialogue post camp attack by his siblings and the difference is small but significant when you try to dissuade him from ascending.

After his usual dialogues justifying his inclinations towards ascension,

unromanced Astarion says this:

and, romanced Astarion says this:

Before reaching Baldur's Gate, there's a missable dialogue where if you tell him you're worried and want him to be safe, he will say:

"It matters to me as well. I want to be able to protect you, too."

This goes in tandem with the other times you can dissuade romanced Astarion from the ritual and he'll say that when he gains power, you'll gain power and that you're both a team (I am not sure if he says this without romance as well, but I doubt he does).

It's interesting that he's so quick to agree with you against ascension as a friend, but as a romanced Tav I was surprised by how stubborn he was with wanting to ascend. He seemed hell bent on ascending no matter what I said and I was worried by the time the choice comes I'd have stacked enough 'you failed to dissuade him,' points like The Witcher 3 or something. I had thought at first that romanced Astarion would be less enclined to be evil but it makes sense that he'd be more willing to turn to the darker, easier path to because it's quick power and power can protect those you love.

If romanced, he'll say that he's doing this so he and I are safe for good. Other instances where you tell him he shouldn't ascend he says something similar along the lines of "We'll both be powerful. We'll both be safe. This is for us both. We're a team." It's almost like this is his way of ensuring you both stay together. He doesn't know any better. Having a lover makes him even more motivated to ascend because he has someone to protect now. He needs to ascend not only to take revenge on Cazador, not only for his freedom, not only to walk in the sun but also because if he is all powerful nothing will ever harm you nor him. If you become his spawn, he'll never have to worry about one day living without you once your mortal life span is over. He only wants safety and security after having none of it for so very long, and having you to protect makes his resolve even stronger.

So in the end his ascension or non-ascension really does come down to Tav alone, romanced or unromanced.

[bwat5-blog]

Vi's Ending

**Spoilers for all of Arcane**

I have written about and discussed Vi in significant detail. However it was pointed out to me recently that her ending is worth its own detailed discussion and I completely agree. For those who have been sticking with me on these, you already know Vi is my favorite character. She means a lot to me, as she does to many of you for various reasons. So before we dive in let me say this:

Vi is NOT the Jinx

Vi is NOT a bad sister

Vi did NOT get Jinx killed

I have written in great detail defending and explaining each of these points, and because of that I will not detail those here. But if you are interested I'd love for you to check out my other posts and share your thoughts! Ultimately I am just another fan, and I am really enjoying celebrating the achievement in story telling this show has become, and its legendary characters.

The End:

At the end of this story, we find Violet, sitting alone, drinking, humming powder's song from the very first moments of the show. She appears deeply in thought and is curled up on herself, only opening up when her beloved Caitlyn joins her. They share a tender moment where Caitlyn asks her if she is still in this fight, to which Vi responds "I am the dirt under your nails cupcake, nothings gonna clean me out" and lays her head on Caitlyn's shoulder allowing herself to relax as Caitlyn smiles softly looking into the fire. This seems to be our last look at the couple outside of the game if Riot is to be believed (money talks people, keep these characters popular and they may listen!), and it has understandably sparked reactions across the board. For myself, I found it bittersweet. Beautiful and hopeful in many ways, but recognizing the weight of what they have survived, and validating the healing they still need. I view it as Vi finally being on the road to peace, just not quite there yet.

The Heart of Zaun:

I have extensively detailed who Vi is in other posts and therefore will spare you the diatribe here. But to properly appreciate and understand why her ending was so meaningful we do have to understand who she is.

"You've got a good heart. Don't ever lose it, no matter how the world tries to break you"- Vander

Vi is not perfect. She impatient, quick to anger, stubborn beyond belief and impulsive. But these are things born of the dark and angry world she has been forced to survive in all her life. At her core, who is she really?

A Daughter

A Sister

A Warrior

A Guardian

What Vi proves time and time again throughout this story is that she is fiercely loyal, loving, and true. She is tough as nails and brave sure. But we also get these beautiful moments of fragility. Moments where her love, her fear and her hope bleed through the mask she keeps up showing us who she is beneath. Other lessons from Vander plays a major role in who she becomes as well:

"When people look up to you, you don't get to be selfish"

"Who are you willing to lose?"

-- Vander

Vi was already trying to care for the kids around her, and had at a young age been through so much trauma and loss. But as any teenager would, she still displayed a lack of understanding about the potential broader consequences of their actions. After her talks with Vander, almost every decision she makes she is trying to protect those she loves, or trying to atone when she feels she has fallen short. Her own happiness becomes her last priority in almost every situation. And her journey to overcome this, to learn that its okay for her to know tenderness, and peace, and love and that those things don't make her unworthy. This is Vi's inner journey.

She deserves the things she fights so hard to give the people she loves. I meant to re-blog it and hope I did, but another user pointed out something I have never considered. When she and Vander are talking on the bridge, and he gives here these lessons, what does she say is the reason she wants to fight? - that she grew up knowing she was less than, but she wants more for her little sister and will bleed to do it. Even at that young age, before experiencing so much of the pain she goes through, she doesn't see herself as deserving of that same defense as everyone else in her life... She believes is meant to be the shield, and never the shielded.. An inspiring and heroic notion on paper, heartbreaking to recognize in a teenage girl who is only just beginning in life.

Back To The End:

Okay, with that refresher lets return to Vi's ending. We see this beautiful, tender moment between Vi and the woman she loves. And sure, on the surface of the moment alone it appears your standard happy ending. Safe, warm, and in the company of the woman she loves. These are all undoubtedly good things. But context matters. No decision in this show, no plot point, no animation, no detail is accidental. So we need to account for the following factors:

They have just survived a truly terrifying battle which no matter the result in terms of life and death ,would be deeply traumatizing

She and the woman she loves have made it through together its true (thank god). On a purely physical level, Caitlyn's heroic willingness to sacrifice a part of her own body to achieve victory has left her forever changed. And Vi's body has become a tapestry of scars from a life time of sacrifice and struggle

Caitlyn and Vi's reconciliation is a controversial topic in the fandom. I feel that it was justified in terms of us being given the necessary pieces to believe it, but rushed (the whole season was). Like if I asked a student to show me his work on a math equation, he got the correct answer, but he could only show me the beginning of each step he took to solve it. Correct, but incomplete. All of that to say this, their scene in the jail cell was beautiful, and it was full of meaning far more than the spicy quality (although god damn who are we kidding), but we are talking about months of time apart, with both of them living through an extremely dark period, all precipitated by an extremely traumatic "breakup". I don't think it's unreasonable to assume they have more to work through and heal from regarding this issue, although thankfully their love for each other remains strong.

The death toll of this battle is seemingly enormous although we are not given an exact number. The impact of this is obvious. And although I agree his character was not perfectly utilized, I saw Loris as the face of the countless faceless citizens of Piltover and Zaun who died in this conflict. His death right in front of Vi happening so quickly, and brutally.

Vander.. Vi had to watch her adopted father die not once, not twice, but three times. The first time after saving her life, the second time after they seemed so close to saving his, and the third time with him very nearly killing her. I'm not a mental health professional but I don't think I need to be in order to suggest this may leave lasting emotional and mental scars on her

Jinx. Vi's crusade for her sister's soul begins the moment she steps out of Stillwater with Caitlyn. The relationship between Vi and Jinx is far too complex and detailed to cover in a bullet point like this, and is one of the pillars upon which this show came to be. I'm not getting into fault or blame or any of that right now, because what it comes down to is this. Vi loves Jinx and fought so.. so hard to BE her sister again. And finally, right at the end when it seems like they are finally going to be okay, she loses Jinx. again (not dead but Vi doesn't know that). And why? because Vi breaks at the sight at the sight of Vander's body and Jinx sacrifices herself to save her. Vi's breakdown is heartbreaking. It its understandable, its realistic, its painful and its human.. But after a life time punishing herself for how she feels she failed her sister.. it hurts to admit the truth that as things stand now, Vi will probably carry the guilt of Jinx's death for the rest of her life.

I know that is all so bleak, and so heavy. And it hurts because you want to see Vi happy. We want to see her and Jinx living as sisters catching up on the time that was stolen from them. We want to see a world where she and Caitlyn are energetic and happy and healed. We want to see Vi in some way acknowledge that in the end, Jinx's sacrifice was not because Vi failed her. It was because Jinx saw that her sister who had always loved and believed in her, needed her this time. That the woman who had always stood for those she loved needed someone to stand for her. So Jinx became the shield Vi never believed she deserved.

That Vi is a bad-ass is never in dispute. We see her fight countless times in defense of those she loves, and do so quite well. Her journey is not to find her strength. It is to recognize that she is worth more than that. She deserves more. And our hope for her is born of the changes we see. As her relationship with Caitlyn evolves, and she sees her belief in her sister finally validated, She comes to understand she has more to offer than the strength of her arms.

Her relationship with Caitlyn: Their love story is so amazing, and complex, and layered. It is far too much to cover as a bullet point in another post like this and I do intend to deep-dive it soon. But in terms of this discussion, I want to stay this. That Vi and Caitlyn have their ups and downs is obvious. Its not that every moment of their time together is an unending parade of joy and romance, that would be not only bad story telling but not realistic. But the best romantic partners are those people who can fall into the flames together and walk out not untouched, but re-forged into something stronger. These two women are a great example of this. There are many important moments in their relationship that greatly effect Vi, but I am going to focus on just one:

Caitlyn Finds Vi in Jinx's Cell:

As I mentioned previously, this scene is so important for so many reasons. For our purposes, we need to remember what leads up to it. Vi immediately goes to rescue Jinx after confronting Caitlyn over her imprisonment, only for Jinx to stun her and leave her in the cell herself (there is so much context and meaning here in terms of Jinx and Vi/Jinx but we are focusing on Caitlyn right now). Then Caitlyn finds her. Alone. In the cell of the woman who killed her mother. Now there are a lot of ways this could go and Vi is clearly expecting the worst. She laments that she always chooses wrong trusting and believing in Jinx, and that this time its cost her everything. Her sister is gone. She assumes Caitlyn will be enraged, and not to mention she is in this incredibly vulnerable state, in a jail cell, after surviving seven years of false imprisonment that started when she was still in her teens. But it doesn't go how she expects.

"Sorry to say, you've grown a bit predictable"

Vi believes that this part of her, this emotional, trusting, vulnerable part of her is always wrong. But Caitlyn reveals just how much she knows that part of Vi. And not only knows, but accepts it, predicted it, and even stepped in to help the woman she loves, putting aside her own hate and bitterness. Its a powerful moment. It shows Vi just how much she is worth to Caitlyn, and it has nothing to do with her fists. Just her heart. And Vi's response to this revelation shows us maybe the first time in the entire story, where given this tiny seed of evidence that she may deserve to be happy, she chooses to let herself be. Right there in that cell with Caitlyn.

Her Relationship With Jinx:

Like Caitlyn, this relationship could only be explored properly through it's own deep dive. So again, I am going to focus on a single moment between these two as evidence of Vi hard earned affirmation of her refusal to quit on those she loves. When Vi goes to break Jinx out of jail, Jinx stuns her and escapes instead, leaving her locked inside. As Vi panics for her sister, Jinx walks away, pleading with Vi to let herself be happy, and to stop looking for her. This of course leads to the incident we just mentioned in which Vi claims she always chooses wrong in trusting her sister. "I really thought she'd help" Vi says to Caitlyn about her sister when Cait arrives. And how does her belief in her sister shake out? Jinx rides in on a war balloon at the head of an under city army, and saves the day... and then later on, saves Vi's very life at what seems to be (We know better) the expense of her own. Vi was right about her sister all along.. its just that some lessons are hard won indeed..

Conclusion:

Vi is an amazing character who has quite frankly, earned her rest. And that's what the end of the show is sharing with us. Vi is warrior. She has fought, and bled, and lost so much, but she has endured. Through her two most important relationships in her life she has found the road to the recovery from the many, many wounds her existence has left on her, and they are still wounds that need healing. There is grief, and pain, and guilt still dwelling in her. But we have seen the seeds of her self-worth beginning to bloom and it is in them that we place our hope for Vi. Because she has an inkling that what Vander told her, the same thing the woman she loves noticed within hours of of meeting her, and the same reason Jinx knew Vi would never give up on her, has always been a far greater power than her ability to do violence.

[howtofightwrite]

My character is an anthro octopus, arms moving independently without needing to split focus, can they wield multiple weapons efficiently? Should there be a soft limit like 4 instead of all 8? Octopi can detach arms which still move for an hour on their own. What do you think of having just an arm in combat by itself? Perhaps there are medical advances for quick regeneration so it'll fully regrow in a week or so. Also, what do you think of holding weapons by sucker instead of gripping?

So, one random piece of trivia worth knowing, but the plural is “octopuses.” The word originates from Greek, not Latin, so it's pluralized by adding, “-es.”

Now, the hard part about this question is, we don't really know how well cephalopods can split their attention. They have phenomenal control over their limbs, and in the octopuses, have very advanced nervous systems that can control their tentacles (and suction cups) with a lot of finesse. But, that wouldn't necessarily mean that everything's operating independently. So, an anthropomorphic octopus might still be limited to using one weapon at a time at maximum efficiency. Though, there's a legitimate question of, “where's the fun in that?”

Fictional characters don't dual wield because it's effective, they do it because it looks cool. It feeds into an aesthetic. If you want your octopus to swing weapons with each of their tentacles, it doesn't really matter how scientifically feasible that is.

As for a severed limb? It's going to be like any other severed limb. It might keep twitching and spasming, as the nerves continue to fire, but it's not going to be particularly effective. Octopuses do most of their hunting by touch, so, the loss of vision, hearing, and other senses isn't immediately a problem, but it would still critically impair it's ability to fight. (And, that's assuming that your octopus has significant neural tissue in its tentacles, which could have some pretty unfortunate effects for the character if they lost a tentacle in combat.)

Holding by sucker seems extremely plausible to me. That's how octopuses (and some squid) already manipulate objects. It's also where their senses are the most refined. So, that makes complete sense.

It's probably worth noting that the suckers pick up the taste and scent of an object they encounter, as well as the texture. It's a peculiar detail, but would mean that your character would literally taste their weapons every time they picked them up. They'd also taste any door they opened. And that light switch.

-Starke

This blog is supported through Patreon. Patrons get access to new posts three days early, and direct access to us through Discord. If you’re already a Patron, thank you. If you’d like to support us, please consider becoming a Patron.

[erulasse23]

Frodo & PTSD: Definition of Trauma

As a quick introduction, I recently finished a Lord of the Rings trilogy re-read and as an adult with a psychology background, I am endlessly fascinated with Tolkien’s portrayal of trauma and its affects through Frodo in particular. This is going to be multiple parts, but I want to start with a definition of trauma and what Frodo might have found traumatic about his journey.

A simple google search suggests the following definition of trauma: “A deeply distressing or overwhelming experience that can have lasting negative effects on a person’s mental, emotional, and physical well-being.” Some deeper research highlights certain elements of the causes and effects of trauma.

- Trauma is defined by the way our brains process an experience as highly threatening or dangerous, such that it overwhelms our ability to cope. In this sense, trauma is highly subjective.

- Trauma can be one event, or repeated exposure to stressors.

- Trauma literally re-wires our brain. A prolonged or severe stress response (fight or flight) has significant physical impact on our bodies including our nervous system, hormones, cardiovascular system, etc. PTSD occurs when these systems do not go back to normal after the threat is gone, and we lose the ability to successfully regulate our attention and emotions.

What is unique about Frodo, compared to the rest of the Fellowship, is that he carried the Ring and experienced both its pressures and the presence of the Eye for an extended time. The Eye, referring to Sauron’s metaphysical presence and attention, is described in terms of a threat. Carrying the Ring feels like there is a monster around the corner at every turn, waiting in suspense for a jump scare, constantly being chased and barely staying out of reach. In short, it’s a prolonged, acute stress response happening inside Frodo’s brain for months, exhausting his physical and emotional resources.

Other research about trauma indicates that experiences which significantly alter our self-perception (ideas about who and how we are) are significantly more difficult to process and move past. Frodo giving in to the Ring and claiming it in the end certainly had a huge impact on his self-image. You can see this in how he treats Saruman and the ruffians in ‘The Scouring of the Shire’. Compared to the other hobbits, even kind Sam, Frodo is much more forgiving and empathetic. I believe that is because he identifies with these “bad guys” now. His experience changed him in a way that not even Sam’s did, who was with him to the end.

The other event which causes a PTSD-like response in Frodo (which I’ll get into in another post) is being stabbed by a Nazgûl on Weathertop. Why does this affect him just as much as the Ring and Sauron’s destruction? There are two reasons. One, the Nazgûl have a certain power over despair. We see this later in the Black Breath and particularly Merry and Eowyn’s wounds (which they recover from, perhaps unlike Frodo, but that’s another post too). Two, as soon as Frodo is revived, before he even is tended to by Elrond, he “bitterly regretted his foolishness, and reproached himself for weakness of will” in putting on the Ring. His self-image again plays a large part in his difficulty healing even after Elrond removes the splinter that was left in his shoulder.

In ‘Homeward Bound’ Frodo says to Gandalf, “The wound aches, and the memory of darkness is heavy on me… Though I may come to the Shire, it will not seem the same; for I shall not be the same. I am wounded with knife, sting, and tooth, and a long burden.”

Part Two | Part Three

[raincoatpng]

nobody asked but here is my take on Yona because I need to get it out somehow.

This is a pro-Yona rant from a sidlink fan, addressed to people who enjoy media analysis. Because I don't think it's necessary to pretend a whole character doesn't exist in order to enjoy a ship, if you can learn to look deeper. I am not claiming to know the universal truth, this is just my opinion and my read on things.

I don't want to spend too much time on this first point, but a lot of people seem to be of the opinion that Yona's existence in Tears of the Kingdom was a ploy from Nintendo to bury sidlink. I personally don't think that's the case, firstly because I think it's overestimating the reach of sidlink to assume that Big Nintendo would care to go out of their way to sink the ship, and secondly, a lot of things just do not make sense if that indeed was their intention.

Now, I can't claim to know what every writer and game dev involved in TOTK was thinking, but from a purely logical standpoint, why would they include so many gay ass scenes if their intention was to destroy the ship? I'm thinking first and foremost about the scene where Sidon gets on one knee and gives Link a ring as "proof of his vow." There's just no way that not a single person in the writers room saw the implication there, let's be honest. Why on earth would they put this scene in there if they cared at all about killing off sidlink? It's like using oil to put out a fire. Like I said, it simply makes no sense.

Onto the topic of Yona herself, and the reason I'm posting this in the first place, I don't think I'm the only one who noticed the lack of chemistry between her and Sidon. We know the TOTK writers were capable of writing good chemistry because they did it with Rauru and Sonia, and through just a couple cutscenes at that. So I don't think it's a coincidence that Sidon and Yona don't have that between them.

If you've not read the new zora stone tablets written by Sidon scattered around Lanayru, there is one where Sidon describes how he had once seen Yona as a sister and how he admired her just as he did Mipha. Yes, granted, it is written in the past tense, but why on earth would they include this in the first place? why not say they were merely childhood friends, why precise that they viewed each other as siblings (or that Sidon did at least)? As for the part where he says his feelings have grown harder to describe with time, that is such a vague line it could literally be interpreted any way you like. I have no clue if this is unique to the english translation, so if anybody reads japanese and has read the tablets, please let me know if this was originally intended.

Regardless, Sidon also mentions that Dorephan informed him that Yona would be his bride, implying in no uncertain terms that this was an arranged marriage. The lack of agency in this relationship doesn't exactly scream romance, now, does it?

LASTLY!! the most significant on screen interaction between Sidon and Yona by far is the scene where Yona scolds him (rather sisterly behaviour I might add) for refusing to go to the Water Temple with Link and let her help with the sludge. She accuses him of projecting his grief over losing Mipha onto her and letting himself be paralysed with the fear of losing a loved one again. Similarly, the most significant interaction Yona has with Link is when she fixes his Zora armour up for him – the very armour that Mipha had made for him. I'm gonna say this straight up, it is odd how much the game directs our attention to the parallel between Sidon's supposed love interest and his sister. That is, unless, there is in fact no romance between him and Yona.

So. Rather than writing off Yona entirely as many people are quick to do, I invite you to think deeper on her role in the game. Yes she's very underdeveloped as Sidon's love interest, but ask yourself if that even is the most interesting way to view her. I know a lot of people don't care to think about sibling relationships, even less so chosen family, but for those of you who do, I'm asking you to try to revisit Yona and Sidon's relationship in that light.

Consider the tragedy of losing one sister to war and another to politics, of growing apart from someone you considered family and be robbed of the opportunity to rekindle that bond because you are now betrothed to them. Imagine suddenly being nobody's brother, nobody's sister.

Even if that interpretation isn't as compelling to you as it is to me, at the very least, I'm tired of seeing unwarranted hate for a character that is nothing but helpful and kind. You are perfectly allowed to like or dislike any character, you are entitled to your opinion, but you are not entitled to misogyny. If your only reason for hating a female character is that she "gets in the way" of a ship, you are being sexist. Full stop.

[soleadita]

ateez + encore chaos thoughts [first win with “wave” on mnet m! countdown, june 2019]

in which i make a post about a new interest when most of my mutuals are asleep, because i am shy on the internet

i was lured to this full performance (if we are indeed calling this a performance, i say with ALL the love in my heart) after the algorithms™️ saw fit to show me a much shorter clip featuring their attempts to sing through their tears, and it’s been haunting me for a week straight. i want to study it. i need to study it. there’s too much going on; it’s impossible to catch it all. (full disclosure, i don’t fully understand the significance of this win—just that it was apparently their first award and apparently quite meaningful? i am still learning. BUT GOOD FOR THEM!!)

[@storkmuffin these are the yunho tears i mentioned earlier but in my excitement i didn’t think to add that they’re buried in a 5 minute video of other ateez tears and shenanigans instead of being something quick and easily digestible. but here they are nonetheless!! if you (OR ANYONE ELSE please talk to me about this please please) have more thoughts…please. take it away.]

broad highlights:

everyone but mingi (and san, san is doing A+ at the show must go on here) weeping at different intervals and wandering around the stage like npcs. (guys, they genuinely look so…distraught? no, not the right word. overcome? well, whatever it is, it’s HORRIFICALLY endearing.)

yeosang making a beeline for wooyoung after the announcement and crying into his back—and then san hugging both of them.

yunho’s combo of crying, singing, and jumping around in a somewhat mingi-esque fashion, and how he’s moving between these…states of being. (around 2:40ish he goes from dancing and seemingly hyping (for a certain value of hype) the crowd to like…covering his face with his hand and crying, but then he goes right back into dancing and jumping even though i’m 85% certain he’s (possibly unsuccessfully) attempting to hold back tears. this feels very interesting to me in a way i’m refusing to examine further until the weekend.)

mingi JUMPING AROUND THE STAGE AND GRINNING while all of this is going on around him…i have Too Many thoughts about this actually. (and according to the yt comment section, he cried alone in his room afterwards. i have Thoughts and Feelings about this too.)

the way every time it looks like wooyoung is maaaaybe gonna get it together, he drops the mic and his face crumples again. (baby!!!!)(they are so tiny here…2019 feels like it was three lifetimes ago.)

san’s attempts to comfort wooyoung and/or get him to rally. (seonghwa does this too, i think, and it is equally adorable. and then at one point hongjoong like…pats wooyoung on the head? i think?)(separately, watching seonghwa try to maintain composure while standing next to Big Energy Jumping Grinning Mingi at the very beginning is such an experience. for a couple seconds there i feel like he’s almost trying to be like “ok chill, my guy” but im not sure im reading that right.)

speaking of hongjoong, he is also breaking down intermittently—i think he just tends to walk off to the side of the stage or to the back, where he’s then obscured by taller (sometimes jumping) members. (from what i can see, it seems like seonghwa does this too, but i need to stop rewatching the clip to fact check myself because then i get distracted by other details when what i should’ve been doing as of three hours ago is going to sleep.)

and this isn’t even getting into jongho. he is weeping; he is npc-stumbling around stage; he is still hitting those high notes through his tears. tbh i would expect nothing less from him. go, jongho!!!

tldr, i feel like i’m watching a group of preschoolers who are overdue for their naptimes and having Big Feelings about it. (and again, i mean this in the fondest way possible…this is all for fun, and is meant in no way to invalidate the feelings they’re expressing. i think part of the allure here, for me at least, is that in the live performance clips i’ve seen, they’re so polished!! and this feels so different; they’re newer at this point, it’s an encore and not like…a planned performance(?), they’ve just received impactful news and are handling the emotional aftermath of it…it’s just really fascinating to watch. they’re goofy, they’re talented, i love them.)

fin.

[fandomsmadness]

TBHX episode 11 rant (X)

There's too much to dissect, so X is over here. Everything else about this ep is right over here.

Lmao what a derp. I cannot.

Timeline, timeline. So X literally just showed up in 36AC and just...won. Gosh. No wonder Queen is salty. I'd be salty too if I trained since I was 14 and lost to a random guy in a suit (so salty).

It took him literally one snap and I really need to use the bulk of this post to discuss where all of his power comes from.

Throughout this episode we've gotten hints that trust isn't just external. So far, very cleverly on LHO's part, we've only seen heroes with a severe lack of self esteem (Lin Ling, Yang Cheng, Cyan) who have to rely on external trust value to bolster their hero powers. But what if that's not all to it? What if you can rely on a combination of others' trust in you and your trust in yourself, or even just the latter?

Queen is the first hero in our roster who vocalizes it, and while we see her having ample support, there's also little doubt that Queen also harbors significant belief in herself. I believe her power is born of a combination of the two, as she also believes heroes are shaped by the people's will, and she exhibits no powers prior to declaring her intentions to be a hero. But there's someone else (two someone else's) who have more power than her, and don't seem to require external trust at all.

X, and, I believe, former X Extro (this name is so extra, I keep chortling). I mentioned in my other post that there's significant linking between the two. Extro fights with the same lazy confidence characteristic of the present X, and even has a very confident chuckle going on. His powers seem to be significant (and ofc, he was X). There's also significant importance given to and multiple similarities between how their eyes are denoted. Both have eyes that turn reflective when they fight, for one.

Just look at this. The eyes are the window to the soul, something something. What happens when all it does is mirror you?

Additionally, both have transitions related to eyes too.

In the case of Extro's moment, when he sees the axe coming for him we see this shot focusing very much on his eye. This seems to shake him, and we see that suddenly, his powers falter. His defeat is quick after that, even though he clearly had a massive upper hand starting out.

I hypothesize that this is something the present X learned from Extro after his defeat (man had four years) and built up, along with significant willpower to make sure he doesn't falter. It makes sense when you look at clips of X fighting; his signature trait is his confidence, nothing seems to faze him. Maybe precisely because if he loses trust in himself, he becomes powerless. He has no choice but to believe he will succeed.

I know the X trusts in himself theory is not new, but I believe this episode gave us more than a few crumbs to confirm this theory.

In the same way, while we all (me included) spent a good chunk of time after the episode trailer laughing at the fact that he showed up to his first tournament in full X bling, it probably was a way for him to trust in himself more. Mind over matter, as they say.

Lastly, pretty. But wtf does this mean???

Genuinely wondering if my random HC that X has time or illusion powers hs any weight here. There's no way a newly-abandoned top floor could look like nature had its way with it this much, yes?

Overall, I'm going to be thinking about all this a while, and by thinking I mean looking at X and going AAAAAAAAAAAA in my head.

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

Friday’s NY Post cover is pure gold

* * * * *

A moment of reckoning--and opportunity.

June 6, 2025

Robert B. Hubbell

[I will hold my regular Substack livestream on Saturday, June 7, at 9:00 am PT / Noon ET. Open to all on the Substack App on your cellphone or tablet.]

To the surprise of no one, Donald Trump and Elon Musk have had their inevitable moment of reckoning. They turned on one another by speaking the truth about each other.

This development is good—and not merely because of the political ramifications. The moment of reckoning validates everything we have felt and believed in our hearts as we watched an unfolding Kafkaesque novel in which we were the victims. The complicity of the press and the complacency of elected officials in the face of a rolling coup made us doubt our sanity.

We knew that Trump and Musk were engaging in rampant illegality, conflicts of interest, and gross incompetence. Still, the political world hummed along as though the cruel reign of terror by Trump and his co-president was perfectly normal.

The significance of the war between Trump and Musk is that they are speaking the truth about each other. We do not need to engage in argument or inference. They have said it about one another—and they were in the room when the crimes were committed.

The rupture was so bad that it devolved into Musk threatening to start a third party and Trump claiming that he fired Musk from the government.

Here is a quick run-down of what happened:

During a press availability following a meeting with German Chancellor Friedrich Merz, Trump claimed that Musk is suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome.

Musk responds by tweeting, “Without me, Trump would have lost the election, Dems would control the House and the Republicans would be 51-49 in the Senate.”

Trump responds that the easiest way for the federal government to save money is to end subsidies for Musk’s companies, including Tesla and SpaceX

Musk responds with tweet, “Time to drop the really big bomb: @realDonaldTrump is in the Epstein files. That is the real reason they have not been made public. Have a nice day, DJT!”

Trump suggests that Musk is—gasp—a narcissist who used DOGE to promote his own interests. Trump said, “Elon’s upset because we took the [electric vehicle] mandate and – you know, which was a lot of money for electric vehicles. He only developed a problem when he found out I would cut the EV mandate [in the reconciliation bill.]

Musk then endorses a Twitter user’s suggestion that Trump be impeached.

Steve Bannon then suggests that Trump should deport Musk.

Musk then states that SpaceX will begin “decommissioning” the Dragon spacecraft used by NASA to transport U.S. astronauts to the Space Station.

For additional details on the war of words between the two narcissists, see CNN, The ugliest things Trump and Musk just said about one another.

Josh Marshall raises an interesting point regarding the power dynamic between the two men. Marshall notes that Musk and DOGE likely committed many illegal acts. The Trump world is abuzz about the possibility of resurrecting criminal and civil investigations against Musk and his companies.

Musk probably assumed that illegal acts performed by DOGE would be pardoned by Trump. It now seems less certain that Trump will pardon Musk and his cohorts. Trump has the weight of the federal government hanging over Musk’s head, but Musk likely knows enough dirt about Trump to make a criminal prosecution painful for both parties.

Let’s put aside the spectacle of two world-class narcissists trying to destroy each other and ask, “How does this affect our fight to defend democracy?”

It is difficult to know precisely how the reckoning will resolve, but the strong probability is that it will weaken Trump, imperil the reconciliation bill, and slow or reverse the carnage inflicted by DOGE.

All of that is very good. We can’t assume that Republicans will defeat themselves, but we should take every advantage of their mistakes. That means that the protests on June 6 and January 14 (NoKings.org) must be bigger and louder than previously planned.

Of all of the “truths” spoken by Musk and Trump today, the most troubling for our democracy is Musk’s admission that he bought the presidency for Trump and control of the House. One day we will reform the Supreme Court and reverse Citizens United—an opinion that has poisoned politics in America by making money more powerful than the electorate. We will see that day. And exhibit Number One in reversing Citizens United will be the tweet of Elon Musk,

Without me, Trump would have lost the election, Dems would control the House and the Republicans would be 51-49 in the Senate.”

Let’s remember Musk’s truth when we examine statements by pundits who want to blame Democrats for losing the 2024 election. Musk claims that the difference was the one-third of a trillion dollars he spent on behalf on Trump and the GOP.

[Robert B. Hubbell]

[urhoneycombwitch]

thinking about post-vecna Eddie in recovery with a little bit of post-traumatic amnesia

it takes him a bit to remember the kids and the adults, but it isn't long before he's falling back into his usual repertoire with them

but for some reason, his brain just blocked out significant other!reader. Having them around is comforting and he knows that they are important to him, he just can't figure out why

And the nurse advised against telling Eddie too much too soon because it might be overwhelming so reader is stuck between a rock and hard place of whether they're should tell Eddie they are/we're dating or if they should wait until maybe he remembers or wants to start a relationship (but there's also the fear that maybe the knock to his head might have changed his affections and he won't want them anymore)

Until finally they end up telling him, all emotional and worried how he's gonna take it

But all he does is flop his head back against the hospital pillow going "Thank GOD" because he finally understood why he was getting so jealous when reader and Steve came to visit him and why it just felt wrong when Steve's arm was slung around reader's shoulder comfortingly

He had already been planning to ask reader out anyways, when he was all better and rockin' and cool, but now he's over the moon with relief and happiness that hey, they're already together!

amnesia trope my beloved!!!!

yeah Eddie’s watching you from his hospital bed thru the little hallway window. you’re talking quietly to Steve- why he’s gotta be here Eddie’s unsure, seems like it’s just to flirt with you 🙄. but why would that matter to Eddie? you don’t belong to him. not his property. or his girl.

doesn’t change the fact that he’s getting grumpier by the second, as you touch Steve’s arm (you’re simply saying goodbye but Eddie’s spiraling a lil). when you come back in the room and take your place by Eddie’s side again you can tell something’s off, he’s pouting, distant-

“are you okay?”

the concern in your voice sits like a rock in Eddie’s stomach. he wants to do anything but make you feel bad. he twists one of the hospital wires that he’s connected to in his fingers, still slightly sulky- “yeah. I just… I know I don’t really have any right to say this to you, ‘cuz you’ve been a really good friend, better than I deserve through this whole weird time. but- I’m saying this as Steve’s buddy, too- I don’t think you two are right for each other.”

your silence is deafening. Eddie thinks he’s fucked everything up. and then- wait, are you laughing?

through a fit of giggles, you’re leaning over to take Eddie’s hand in both of yours- “sorry. sorry. I really don’t mean to make fun… it’s just- you do have a right. to be jealous.”

“I’m not jealous,” Eddie says too quickly. “…but if I were… what do you mean, I do have the right?”

there’s an emotion Eddie’s never seen before on your face- or maybe he has, ‘cuz that look in your eye (like you’re fighting something back) is striking a chord from deep in the recesses of his memories. fuzzy and unclear but deeply affecting.

he sweeps a thumb down the length of your palm, like he’s done a thousand times before.

the storm brewing in your eyes clears, and when you lean forward to kiss him, Eddie swears he can taste the sunshine in your mouth.

“not Steve’s,” you pull a hairsbreadth away to whisper.

Eddie is cupping the backs of your elbows, holding you in place, gaze roving over your face, heart thrumming quick in his throat as that same chord strikes, memories swimming a little further to the surface.

“kiss me again?” it’s an inch away from begging, he knows- must be reaaaal soft on ‘em to be speaking like that- but luckily, you seem to like it, leaning in again with a soft smile.

“you can have all the kisses you want, Eddie. from now on.”

[beannoss]

SxF read along: volume 2! (part 2)

My general random notes! I meant to do this earlier in the week but got sidetracked, alas!

this makes me laugh but WHY does WISE HQ in Westalis simply have this image queued up?! I mean he looks great, A+ action pose, sexyman but lmao. Is he just there for inspiration for WISE upper management? (I'm trying not to fixate on super secret agent Twilight's face just up there for whoever to see)

Query: when Henderson explains that he came up with The stretchiest of stretch reasons for excusing/explaining Loid Forger punching a table, it remains hilarious, AND ALSO why does Twilight argue? Accept the win, my man. Props to Henderson for just ignoring him lmao

Mans could have been a culture critic if his life went a different way.

Related, I know we all question how Twilight overlooks this significant display of Yor's abilities, far beyond any other random civil servant, but it would delight me if part of the reason he overlooked it is because he just got waaaay too sidetracked in his bafflement about this apparent twist in the #plot

Compounded when Anya breaks continuity seconds later gdjaskgljalk

Can't say why but I think this remains my all-time favourite interaction between these two:

We don’t often see Yor pensive like this… I’m going to try to remember to juxtapose this against Twilight’s first time having similarly pensive thoughts about Anya and parenting and the falsehood of their family… the contrast stands out potentially between Yor’s conclusion (to decide affirmatively to dedicate herself) and Twilight’s (will have to see again when it comes up after Bomb Dogs and then again later, but i think he either dismisses his own feelings or lets it hang? tbc!)

to what I was saying in volume 1 about normality being a motivation for Yor that comes from outside herself, this feels like a continuation of that...

Not to be posting an entire page but on the same theme: Anya here affirming to Yor that she doesn’t have to be anyone other than who she is, that Anya accepts and loves her as-is. I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the Yor and Yuri relationship in lieu of recent chapters, and it’s interesting how Yuri calls Yor weird, says she doesn’t understand things, and doubts or argues against her opinions about her own experiences/feelings (which I think is actually a way for him to assert some control in his relationship with Yor, since it seems she often dismissed, disregarded or diverted from his concerns for her coming home covered in blood as a child, so I’m not… blaming him or judging him for that response; nor for the way Yor handled things back then...) and contrasted with Anya’s quick and open acceptance. It isn’t the same of course: Anya is 5, and children want to love their parents and believe they're the best in the world. But there is the added dynamic of course, that Anya knows Yor’s secret, too, and still trusts and loves her. Yor doesn’t know about Anya obviously, but it’s a crucial element I think, that underpins things in their relationship and will become huge post-reveals. Yuri hasn't had that opportunity (yet).

Another panel I want to bookmark to contrast for later, the most recent Yor and Yuri chapter where Yor is similarly drawn i think… I’d taken that as Yuri’s POV but actually now I’m wondering if it’s Yor’s POV, that she feels the best about herself when she’s dedicating/re-dedicating herself to a commitment she’s made, to something that feels deeply rooted in who she is… these thoughts are veeeeeery nascent, bear with me…

Jumping to the first day at Eden, the gag from the headmaster, noting that some of the children may have gotten in not due to their own merits but that of their parents gets me every time. Endo’s sly digs at the ruling class are always delightful — I think again the anime translation may be my fave, it's a bit more direct iirc, though I’m not sure it’s more accurate...

*dons twiyor glasses* I’m intrigued he made this admission out loud. Yor misunderstands of course, that's the joke, and she's arguably just as generous as Loid Forger deserves and far more generous than Twilight deserves but still. Twilight feeling a sense of safety with her is there already, I’d suggest 👀

Fascinated by the implicit politics when Damian declares that he's the son of the chairman of the National Unity Party and a bunch of children around him seem to actually know what that means (as opposed to faking their reactions I guess?) At six I think if someone had told me they were leader of a political party, my answer would have been “what’s that” Eden kids are shown time and again to already be being groomed for ruling class nonsense, but I didn’t clock this in my initial reads, just accepting (as an adult) that people would know of political parties even if not the political details of said parties…

The name of Donovan's party once again is striking... Especially in the context of the suspicion he wants war. It's a classic obfuscatory far-right type political party name, but the Peak Politics Nerd in me would love to read the NUP's party platform. Is it Unity within Ostania? Or are they alluding to reunification? And unity in what ways? Obedience of the populace seems implicit, but what political rhetoric are they using to obfuscate that to make it palatable to the Ostanian electorate? Or do they not?

lmao ♡

Henderson 💕💕💕 from an intended one-off character hollering about elegance to a man of deep integrity we love this developmental arc for him

Okay this got longer already that I anticipated... I am poss utilising Tew Many images this time around but I'm gunna split this to a part 3!

[manic-sapphic]

sooo wrong hordak

i often see lots about him being a pointless character who could open doors at the time and ended up along for the ride - and don't get me wrong -

they needed to be opening some doors forsure.

but i see more to him than that. it's even in his (lack of a) name. so much mirroring in this show done in the traditional flip across the vertical axis, but to me, i see wrong hordak as kinda swapping across the horizontal. you take the concept of hordak, and flip it upside down. maybe it's even a funhouse mirror or some shit, cause idk, but i can kiiiinda see it.

dude's been exposed to sooo many things hordak never was, and soo sooo quickly, too.

-cut off from the hive mind --goofy ass etherians in bright fun fckin clothing treating him as one of them for no goddamn reason ---being fed undeniable proof from prime's own logs that he's been lied to ----wanting to bring him down -----realizing he's already w the people he needs to be with to try n do that

how quick, how simple the turn around is for wrong hordak reads to me as something of significance. there's so much in this show that challenges indoctrinated thought - which exists in many forms, but i can't help seeing wrong hordak as a juxtaposition to hordak by employing what seem like such simple, laughable differences in their experience of being separated from horde prime, in order to show how little it sometimes takes to really pull back the curtain for someone so they suddenly see what they couldn't before, vs how long it can take for someone to even get a glimpse of it when that curtain never moves, unless they find a way to move it on their own.

hordak can thank entrapta for that one. and tbh this is just one of a few posts i've been making cause i felt like i wanted to say some of it before i made the post i really wanna about hordak and entrapta, but esp hordak, tbh. dude's been doin the big bad thing, but in all honesty, he's been playing a part as much as anyone else you could accuse that of; knowing nothing else; a perpetuated cycle, if you will.

dude wanted to break it. "there was even a time you wished i would not come for you..." but ended up pulled right back in. luckily, prime was arrogant enough to put the person he had to have known brought hordak to that feeling- right in front of him (didn't learn how to calculate after save the cat, i guess) resulting in nothing more than prime issuing hordak the last command he ever would.

cause he ain't your brother, bitch. he's more than that.

and you don't understand what makes them strong. but hordak finally did. and he won't let it go.

<3

[waitmyturtles]

Turtles Catches Up With Old GMMTV: Just a Literal Mash Note To The Greatest Medical Thai BL EVER -- Triage Edition

[What’s going on here? After joining Tumblr and discovering Thai BLs through KinnPorsche in 2022, I began watching GMMTV’s new offerings -- and realized that I had a lot of history to catch up on, to appreciate the more recent works that I was delving into. From tropes to BL frameworks, what we’re watching now hails from somewhere, and I’m learning about Thai BL's history through what I’m calling the Old GMMTV Challenge (OGMMTVC). Starting with recommendations from @absolutebl on their post regarding how GMMTV is correcting for its mistakes with its shows today, I’ve made an expansive list to get me through a condensed history of essential/classic/significant Thai BLs produced by GMMTV and many other BL studios. My watchlist, pasted below, lists what I’ve watched and what’s upcoming, along with the reviews I’ve written so far. Today, I'm here to simply gush squealingly about the incredible Sammon drama, Triage.]

Happy Monday, y'all! I am taking a quick break from my OGMMTVC sub-series, The Lakorn Corner, to pen, in airing chronology, a very loud, very reverent, very gushy homage to

The Best Thai Medical BL EVER (EVER EVER), Triage.

Like, seriously. No hyperbole here! I absolutely loved the first medical drama on the Old GMMTV Challenge list, Manner of Death -- the mystery of MoD was written tightly, it had almost-great acting all around, and its pace was great. The best thing about Manner of Death, at the time of its airing in 2020? It very much pushed the boundaries of previous Thai BLs, which were set mostly in high school or college environments, to welcome a central story about adults attempting to solve a murder, while making space for a queer romance to bloom in the specter of a haunting mystery.

And, like Triage, Manner of Death was adapted from a novel by the well-known Thai Y novel writer, Sammon, who is a medical doctor herself. Triage is the second in a trilogy of hospital-based BLs that were adapted from her novels, the first being Manner of Death, and the last being 2024's Spare Me Your Mercy.

My good and amazing friend @lurkingshan has actually done a lot of heavy lifting in breaking down why Triage is AMAZING. I want to add on to this gush sesh, especially within the context of the OGMMTVC, to talk a little about what we had seen on these Thai BL streets prior to Triage's airing.

I haven't talked yet in my OGMMTVC pieces, collectively as a whole, about shows that aired in 2022 (like Bad Buddy, Secret Crush on You, KinnPorsche, The Eclipse, GAP, and more).

2022 was seriously AN INSANE YEAR for Thai BLs/Series Y shows. Like, INSANE.

2023 was also a mostly great year -- Moonlight Chicken, La Pluie, My School President, and I Feel You Linger in the Air all aired. But the narrative collapse of GMMTV's Only Friends in 2023 seemed to serve as a warning alarm for at least most of GMMTV's shows giving up on consistently striving for excellent scriptwriting since then, for the sake of its current decision to prioritize branded paired actors.

2022, however -- not just with "traditional" genre Thai BLs like the ones I listed above, but also with the entrée of queer storylines in mainstream lakorns like The Miracle of Teddy Bear and Khun Chai (To Sir, With Love) -- captured a moment of really broad, experimental, and successful screenwriting across many shows. Y'all know what I think about how remarkable Bad Buddy was. KinnPorsche was referential, risk-taking, hot, and just FUN, without the show asking its audience to dumb themselves down for the sake of the story. Secret Crush On You asked its audience to question its assumptions about rich and popular people, for the sake of exploring a story about finding happiness and mutual love as opposites attract. Khun Chai, which I'm watching now (I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT), takes the traditional, soapy, usually-very-heteronormative lakorn format, and uses every one of its improbably wild genre tropes to lift and support a storyline of a closeted young man finding love in a homophobic environment. And, GAP, the first genre-abiding QL starring two women, airs during this year as well.

So, Triage comes into 2022's pack with a wonderful association with the genre- and groundbreaking Manner of Death, and starts off with a wild premise: this guy, Dr. Tin, is living in his own Groundhog Day. We're not in college -- we're in a hospital, and Tin keeps repeating an evening of work where a specific young man keeps dying on Tin's looping shift.

When Triage kicked off its premise in the first episode and got me immediately hooked, I was reminded of '80s movies like Groundhog Day or Back To The Future -- movies that started immediately with absurd premises, but with no apologies to their audiences for their absurdity, because their actual central stories were so tight (and the comedy was so good). I'd posit, very generally, that global art nowadays doesn't take as many of these absurdist premise risks, and/or if pieces do so, there are either a lot of explanations of the absurdity that takes away the fun and comedy of the art; or the risks are presented in such a high-art way so as to feel somewhat disconnected to an audience that might want a more direct and less-explained experience.

Triage kicks off the way the Philadelphia Eagles handed the Kansas City Chiefs their asses in the last Super Bowl -- it gets right into the story, with Tin living out the same night, over and over again. The explanations that occur happen firmly in the context of the story, without delaying the action. Tin increasingly seethes in disbelief that he'll have to save the life of this young man, who repeatedly comes into his emergency room smelling of alcohol, which reminds Tin of his deceased sister, who was killed by a drunk driver.

[By the way, two big SHOUT-OUTS are in order to @gabrielokun and @dragonsareawesome123, whose gifs are peppering this post. Dragons has put together a graphic of all the television tropes that Triage used to fantastic effect, which, when combined, contributed to this classically excellent medical mystery/romance. Thank you, Dragons and Gabriel, for your fandom and all your gifs!]

@lurkingshan, in her Triage tribute post, celebrates the angel Jinta, who hips Tin into his destiny that the only way he'll get out of his Groundhog Day loop is to save the life of the young man, a college student named Tol. Tin figures out over the course of the series the ways in which he'll have to save Tol -- which will eventually include Tin's quest to get Tol to fall in love with him. In the process, Tin must also, indirectly, save the lives of two other people. And to rush to the end of the series -- Tol is then thrown into time loops after he loses Tin, and Tin and Tol must meet together, in one final loop, to remember each other, and to remind each other that they need to survive for each other, in order to move forward in their lives.

There's a ton of themes in the framework I outline above that need to be celebrated. Like Manner of Death, Triage breaks Thai BL boundaries by centering a character that's not in school, while also pairing him with a partner that is in college, a confluence that I just love. Shan notes in her post that Tol is not necessarily the most honorable character; he's a sharp, snobby student, starting off the series wary of getting to know Tin. It's only through the subsequent loops of time in which he spends with Tin that he begins to have an effervescent sense of attraction to Tin.

And Tin doesn't start off perfect, either. He's scolded by his superior for potentially not taking the initial death of Tol seriously, as Tol was assumed to have been a drunk driver, which Tin is biased against. But Tin quickly learns that in his first loops with Tol -- Tin would not have been able to save Tol anyway, as Tol had an underlying health condition that Tin needs to solve for.

I love that this show centers two very imperfect characters at the start, calls them out immediately on their imperfections, and structures the show completely around how they need to change themselves to save each other's life.

As well, this show shows that Tin needs healing, even saving -- but the show makes Tin WORK for that healing and saving, as it needs to come from within him, making changes to himself to become more giving and empathic to the people around him. The brilliant episode six of this series encapsulates this, as Tin meditates on his time-traveling journeys while contemplating Tol's death one countless time more; and the equally brilliant episode 11, when Tol begins his own time travels to save Tin's life, also emphasizes this, as Tol addresses, through his love for Tin, how Tin needs a little help to find happiness as much as Tol does.

While my writing of this plot may sound a touch confusing, please rest assured: the show does NOT leave you confused about where the time travels are taking the characters.

This is not the case in a future Sammon-affiliated show, 2024's 4 Minutes, for which Sammon was a screenwriter. 4 Minutes also told a story about multiple existences and timelines between its main characters. But the timelines within 4 Minutes were murky, unclear, and undefined, and at the end of the series, it seemed like those perspectives weren't really supposed to be taken seriously or followed anyway -- which is kind of frustrating for an audience that might have been tracking character perspectives from the start of the show.

Triage is the total opposite of this. Before Tin takes his final journey back in time, he literally looks at a calendar and decides to give himself a week to change his and Tol's life. And the show helps the audience keep track of how time passes in order for Tin and Tol to get out of their respective loops. And in the process, we see love grow between Tin and Tol, as they vaguely remember each other each time that time jumps. It all comes together to create this lovely and INNOVATIVE sense of growth between these two characters that becomes just ADDICTIVE storytelling.

(And I haven't even fucking celebrated SingGap yet! SINGGAP! The way these two guys are at each other's throats, and then.... tee-hee, flirting and in bed together by the end of the series, and also needing to save their own lives. So well done!)

There's so much more to say about the STORY of this show -- it is so intricate and layered. (Shout-out to any of my homies who came into my Triage comments demanding the airing of Sammon's Transplant as the original expected ending of this trilogy of Sammon's medical BLs. WE NEED MAXTUL AND TAETEE BACK IN TRANSPLANT!!!!) But this mash note has gotten long, and I need to wrap this up on a few shout-outs.

Triage is stacked with BL stars. Besides being adapted from Sammon's original story, Triage was screenwritten and directed by Ma-Deaw Chookiat, a total Series Y legend, the original director and writer of the seminal movies The Love of Siam and Dew, director for Manner of Death and Dead Friend Forever, and much, much more. If a producer has ground to break in Thai BL territory, that producer would do VERY WELL by having Ma-Deaw Chookiat at the project's helm. Triage also shares a few actors from the incredible The Miracle of Teddy Bear, including the WONDERFUL Tee Thanapon as Tol. And Triage's lead actor, Tae Darvid, plays a deeply complicated grown-up, going through so much, from a queer revelation to an internal grappling with grief, that he just acted beautifully.

I have a shortlist of BLs from my OGMMTVC project that I consider automatic rewatches, shows I can have on in the background while I'm folding laundry, because I can check into an episode and know not only what's happening, but how I should feel about that moment when I glance up. This list includes Bad Buddy, Until We Meet Again, and now Triage. I may have watched it twice, HUNGRILY, before writing this piece. And I HIGHLY recommend that you do so as well. This show flows from its first minute, and you'll have consumed it before you know what hit you. It's simply the best Sammon show, and the best medical BL drama, on the OGMMTVC list by a mile, and it's a must-watch if you consider yourself an expert in this genre.

(@benkaben, this one’s for you!)

[Alright, next up! I'm SCREAMING ABOUT KHUN CHAI RIGHT NOW. Feels soooo good to be watching a top-notch drama again, even though Khun Chai is. INSANE. But I'm having a great time with it, and the Khun Chai community is screaming with me in my liveblogs -- so much fun!

So because I have gotten TOOOOTALLY obsessed with JamFilm and Khun Chai, I'll be watching Laws of Attraction after that, and will be filing part three of the Lakorn Corner sub-series in considering that Khun Chai is probably the most popular queer drama to have ever aired in Thailand -- for very good reason, as I'll talk about in my upcoming post.

After that, as previously promised, I'll do a quick overview of the history of Thai GLs, with thoughts on Love Songs Love Stories: Pai Jai, the movie Yes or No, and the premiere of the first genre-abiding GL in GAP the Series.

And then. Finally. My School President. And I'll fuck it up immediately with a fast-watch of My Love Mix-Up Thailand. Third-generation BL idols, let's boogie!

Here's the status of the OGMMTVC list for yer pleasure!

1) The Love of Siam (2007) (movie) (review here) 2) Yes or No (2010) (movie) (to be reviewed with GAP the Series) 3) My Bromance (2014) (movie) (review here) 4) Love Sick and Love Sick 2 (2014 and 2015) (review here) 5) Love Songs Love Stories: Pae Jai (2015) (Thailand’s first serialized GL) (to be reviewed with GAP the Series) 6) Gay OK Bangkok Season 1 (2016) (a non-BL queer series directed by Jojo Tichakorn and written by Aof Noppharnach) (review here) 7) Make It Right (2016) (review here) 8) SOTUS (2016-2017) (review here) 9) Gay OK Bangkok Season 2 (2017) (a non-BL queer series directed by Jojo Tichakorn and written by Aof Noppharnach) (review here) 10) Make It Right 2 (2017) (review here) 11) Together With Me (2017) (review here)

12) SOTUS S/Our Skyy x SOTUS (2017-2018) (review here) 13) Love By Chance (2018) (review here) 14) Kiss Me Again: PeteKao cuts (2018) (no review) 15) He’s Coming To Me (2019) (review here) 16) The Fallen Leaf (2019) (not a BL; adjacent to the project as Thailand’s first lakorn featuring a queer/transgender main character) (review here) 17) Dark Blue Kiss (2019) and Our Skyy x Kiss Me Again (2018) (review here) 18) TharnType (2019-2020) (review here) 19) Senior Secret Love: Puppy Honey (OffGun BL cuts) (2016 and 2017) (no review) 20) Theory of Love (2019) (review here) 21) 3 Will Be Free (2019) (a non-BL and an important harbinger of things to come in 2019 and beyond re: Jojo Tichakorn pushing queer content at GMMTV) (review here)

22) Dew the Movie (2019) (review here) 23) Until We Meet Again (2019-2020) (review here) (and notes on my UWMA rewatch here) 24) 2gether (2020) and Still 2gether (2020) (review here) 25) I Told Sunset About You (2020) (review here) 26) YYY (2020, out of chronological order) (review here) 27) Manner of Death (2020-2021) (review here) 28) A Tale of Thousand Stars (2021) (review here) 29) A Tale of Thousand Stars (2021) OGMMTVC Fastest Rewatch Known To Humankind For The Sake Of Rewatching Our Skyy 2 x BBS x ATOTS (re-review here) 30) Lovely Writer (2021) (review here) 31) Last Twilight in Phuket (2021) (the mini-special before IPYTM) (review here)

32) I Promised You the Moon (2021) (review here) 33) Not Me (2021-2022) (review here) 34) Bad Buddy (2021-2022) (thesis here) 35) 55:15 Never Too Late (2021-2022) (not a BL, but a GMMTV drama that features a macro BL storyline about shipper culture and the BL industry) (review here) 36) Bad Buddy (2021-2022) and Our Skyy 2 x BBS x ATOTS (2023) OGMMTVC Rewatch (Links to the BBS OGMMTVC Meta Series are here: preamble here, part 1, part 2, part 3a, part 3b, and part 4) 37) Secret Crush On You (2022) (review here) 38) The Miracle of Teddy Bear (2022) (review here) 39) KinnPorsche (2022) (tag here)  40) KinnPorsche (2022) OGMMTVC Fastest Rewatch Known To Humankind For the Sake of Re-Analyzing the KP Cultural Zeitgeist (part 1 and part 2) 41) Triage (2022)

42) Honorable Mention: War of Y (2022) (for the sake of an attempt to provide meta BL commentary within a BL in the modern BL era), with a complementary watch of Aam Anusorn’s documentary, BL: Broken Fantasy (2020) (thoughts here) 43) The Eclipse (2022) (tag here) 44) The Eclipse OGMMTVC Rewatch to Reexamine "Genre BLs," Along With a Critical Take on Branded Ships (review here) 45) Khun Chai/To Sir, With Love (2022) (watching) 46) Love of Secret (2022) (a GL that preceded GAP) (I will not be watching this, but it's on the list to precede GAP) 47) GAP (2022-2023) (Thailand’s first GL with a branded pair and ship) (review coming) 48) My School President (2022-2023) and Our Skyy 2 x My School President (2023), Coupled with a Speed-Watch of My Love Mix-Up Thailand (2024) to Comment on GMMTV Trying to Make Magic Happen Twice  49) Moonlight Chicken (2023) (tag here) 50) Bed Friend (2023) (tag here) 51) La Pluie (2023) (review coming)

52) Be My Favorite (2023) (tag here) (I’m including this for BMF’s sophisticated commentary on Krist’s career past as a BL icon) 53) Wedding Plan (2023) (Recommended as an important trajectory in the course of MAME’s work and influence from TharnType) 54) Only Friends (2023) (tag here) (not technically a BL, but it certainly became one in the end) 55) Last Twilight (2023-24) (tag here) (on the list as Thailand’s first major BL to center disability, successfully or otherwise) 56) Cherry Magic Thailand (2023-24) (tag here) (on the list as the first major Japanese-to-Thai drama adaptation, featuring the comeback of TayNew) 57) Ossan’s Love Returns (Japan, 2024) (adding for the EarthMix cameo and the eventual Thai remake) 58) 23.5 (2024) (GMMTV’s first GL) (thoughts here) (I am not finished with this show; I will finish it when I get to it on this list) 59) Spare Me Your Mercy (2024) (thoughts here) (added as the finale of Sammon's medical trilogy in Manner of Death and Triage, and as a major lakorn starring two of Thailand's biggest actors in Tor Thanapob and Jaylerr)]