#mediocre and boring but like . if in the meantime i am then in the meantime i am !

[justinefrischmanngf]

i have not been sleeping well and i do think it's doing bad things to me because the thoughts i am having are not reasonable or helpful

[fanfic-lover-girl]

Magical Education in Harry Potter

I have continued reading snippets of HP and I realized once again how...boring the magic is in HP. Besides Snape, Dumbledore and Voldemort I think, no one in HP really does anything exceptional or innovative with their magic. Well...there are the Marauders with their map and their animagus transformations. Plus the Weasley twins are super creative too with their products. But I think that's it really. I will be mega generous and throw in Draco fixing the cabinet and Hermione's DA coins too.

Not even Harry Potter, who is supposed to be the chosen one and hero of the story, does anything great. He's tragically mediocre and not in a good way. I do not consider summoning a patronus at 13 to be a marvel. Considering he had special lessons from Lupin and his performing the spell is not really a special/new/creative magical endeavour.

The muggle world has great technological innovations. But wizards are not innovating magic on the same level at all. And I think part of the problem is their magical education system.

First, starting to learn magic at 11 is total rubbish. Using Avatar: The Last Airbender as an example. Learning magic at 11 is comparable to someone learning they can bend at 5 but they don't start training until 11. Or someone in our world has prodigious abilities but they don't train until high school. Do you see how dumb this is?

So in the meantime, wizard kids have this power that they can't control properly. It's not that big of a deal if the kid has a magical family but what about mugglebornes like Hermione or kids who grew up in muggle families like Harry?? Harry was literally a hazard to the Dursleys in more ways than one and it's understandable, not excusable, that they hated him.

Plus Hermione's character is annoying due to her role as an exposition device. It's tiresome that a muggleborne girl is constantly showing up purebloods who literally grew up around magic. As the books go on, she takes over Ron's role in the trio as the magical common sense guy. In reality, mugglebornes should be at a major disadvantage. Let's say I am trying to learn Spanish. I have no Spanish-speaking family. And let's say I end up in a class of immigrant kids whose parents all speak Spanish. They may not be fluent themselves but they have a huge headstart on me. In time I will catch up to them, especially if I work hard like Hermione, but initially, I would perform worse than them. As first years, the pureblood and halfblood kids should be blowing Hermione out of the water. If not for the entire first year then at least the first semester/term.

So how would I fix this issue? Four ways:

Magical kindergarten/elementary school

Hogwarts should be a highschool/college level institution. Or maybe Hogwarts could have different school levels. Kids should learn the introductory concepts for Charms, Transfiguration, Potions etc in primary/elementary school or even from their freaking parents. Ron's intro scene with that make my rat yellow prank spell was just sad. And having Hermione call him out for the spell not being real was just more salt in my annoyance. As kids, they learn the basics like wand movement, magic theory and safety. And basic spells.

Advanced learning

When they go to Hogwarts they should focus more on application and higher levels of theory. For example: Magical Ethics (what are the moral boundaries of magic **cough**rapedrugs**cough**polyjuicepotion**cough**), Magical Research (do projects/experiments to learn more about the nature of magic, like how is elf magic different from wizard magic), Spellmaking (why is Snape the only dude in HP inventing spells!), Improvised Spells (like in Wizards of Waverly Place), Magic Economics (how does magic work with the concept of scarcity, what is scarcity in the wizarding world), Magical Defense (not just against the dark arts but basic defence like self-defence in our world and perhaps survival skills) etc. They should learn non-verbal and non-wand magic as well of course. Maybe this could be taught at the end of primary school or the beginning of Hogwarts. Instead of the very end of their Hogwarts education.

Accessible classes for mugglebornes

So what about mugglebornes, you say? Well, there are two options. You can provide after-school classes for muggleborne students to learn magic before they attend Hogwarts. Think of extra lessons or night classes in our world. Or you can send the mugglebornes to summer school(s) before Hogwarts which leads me to my next point.

Different Class Tracks

Put muggleborne kids in a different class track from the purebloods/halfbloods who went to magical primary. Like how we have advanced classes for students who are super bright or slower-paced classes for students who need extra help. Students like Hermione would gradually graduate to the advanced track while lazier students like Harry may stay in the slower track. Or maybe bright students like Hermione could do placement tests to get into the advanced track from the start. Some pureblood students could even be demoted to the slower track if they begin to goof off (maybe Ron) or need extra help (maybe Neville). And you can mix and match! So Neville would be in Class 1 Herbology but Class 2 Potions :). Maybe Harry would be in Class 1 DADA but Class 2 Potions etc.

If lack of teachers is an issue, then pureblood families would teach their own kids and the primary school would be exclusively for muggleborne kids and/or pureblood/halfblood kids whose parents can't provide tutoring.

Conclusion

So yeah, that's how I would revamp the school system. Hogwarts is a weird school. Like students leave as adults but leaving Hogwarts feels like leaving primary school. I never felt prepared for the world after highschool but at least we have college/university. Even if HP has trade schools/apprenticeships for jobs like healing and being an auror, I think their magical education is seriously lacking. And the spellwork in HP is honestly very lame. Wands just end up being like guns. More battles should be like the Voldy vs Dumbles fight in book 5.

Magic should be something kids learn from the cradle. Magic is not a subject like Math is. Magic is literally part of who they are. Learning magic should be treated like learning how to groom yourself, eat healthily or even speak. It's strange how Hogwarts and the ministry restrict students from learning magic outside of classes. Maybe it's a conspiracy??

[smokeybrandreviews]

Speed Run

I've watched three movies today. First time since probably the last time i went to the theater with my kid sister to see Black Panther II, that i could actually chill out and enjoy a film (or three) like this. The last five months have been a straight up clusterf*ck and I'm just glad there is a sense of normalcy to my life again. Seriously, between getting “evicted”, having to stress about moving, getting “fired”, and then starting this new job, i feel like this is the first time in a long time, I've had the opportunity to just breathe. To just relax. o be honest, I'm still a ways off from actually getting back to the theater in person for proper releases, mostly trying to save for a new car and furniture right now, but we’re getting there. Hopefully by the time The Marvels drops, I'll be good to go but we’ll see. In the meantime, here’s a bullet points of the films i watched today and how i flt about them.

Renfield

I liked this one. It was fun and a genuinely unique take on the Dracula myth. It plays as kind of a sequel to that old Bela Lugosi outing but it works. Like, it really works. Obviously, the star of this thing is Nic Cage’s take on the Prince of Wallachia but Holt’s Renfield was fun and i even enjoyed Awkwafina in small doses. It’s weird that she keeps getting pushed as the romantic interest to me, though. They did it in Shang-Chi and they did it in this. It’s like, there’s this romantic tension, a subtext of attraction, but they never really let that sh*t evolve. She’s just the plucky sidekick who very obviously has feelings for the protagonist but they never get together. I dunno if that’s by choice of the fact that she isn’t “classically attractive” or whatever. Personally, i think she’s gorgeous and i adore her voice so this sh*t is just bogus in my eyes but whatever. Overall, Renfield is a fun, campy, over-the-top gory, pseudo-capeflick that has a lot of heart and great fight scenes. That said, Ben Schwartz is criminally underused and the whole Lobos gang angle needed more time in order to really have weight. Still, if you have an hour and a half to kill, it’s a good watch.

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

This new Mario movie is boring. I know it's "for kids" but that's not really an excuse, is it? The Lion King is for kids. Shrek is for kids. The Iron Giant is for kids. Kids films can be good. They can be entertaining. This was not. It wasn’t even a bad movie. There are things to love about this flick. Seth Green as Donkey Kong. Jack Black was excellent casting as Bowser. All of the little callbacks and easter eggs. That climax. All of that sh*t was great. Everything else was f*cking mid and i am offended that they think kids are so unsophisticated that they would just accept this mediocre sh*t. But, apparently, they did because this motherf*cker is the first billion dollar movie of the goddamn year and it ain’t even close! Like, Ant-Man III is the next highest grossing film and the motherf*cker can’t even cracked half a bil. F*cking how? Like, where was this enthusiasm for, say, Puss in Boots II? THAT sh*t was f*cking fantastic! You people should have spent your money on that because all this is saying to Hollywood is that you want derivative adaptions of existing IPs. That’s it. I want to be clear here: The Super Mario Bros. movie is not bad but ain’t ain’t good, either. It’s nothing. It’s a nothingburger of a film and the public at large should be ashamed for making it as successful as it is. Unless i get a Metroid flick out of this. Then i will suffer this billion dollar foolishness, no problem.

Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves

This movie has no right to be as good as it is. Seriously, i had the best goddamn time with this thing. It is, unironically, one of the best fantasy outings i have ever seen in my life and is sitting at the top of my list of best film release this year. I was shocked by how dope this movie turned out to be. Seriously, there is just so much to like in this thing. From the adherence to the lore, the DnD easter eggs, detailed world-building, and accurate class attributes. I didn’t think this movie could cover so much ground and keep me interested but it did just that. The performances, from top to bottom, were fantastic. There was real chemistry among this actors and it made this film all the better for it. Look, I'm old as f*ck, right? i can say, with all certainty, that the DND film franchise was a joke until Honor dropped. Some of the worst movies i have ever seen were DND adaptions. Hell, even that old Eighties cartoon was dog sh*t. Not this movie, though. This thing was brilliant!

[smokeybrand]

Speed Run

I've watched three movies today. First time since probably the last time i went to the theater with my kid sister to see Black Panther II, that i could actually chill out and enjoy a film (or three) like this. The last five months have been a straight up clusterf*ck and I'm just glad there is a sense of normalcy to my life again. Seriously, between getting “evicted”, having to stress about moving, getting “fired”, and then starting this new job, i feel like this is the first time in a long time, I've had the opportunity to just breathe. To just relax. o be honest, I'm still a ways off from actually getting back to the theater in person for proper releases, mostly trying to save for a new car and furniture right now, but we’re getting there. Hopefully by the time The Marvels drops, I'll be good to go but we’ll see. In the meantime, here’s a bullet points of the films i watched today and how i flt about them.

Renfield

I liked this one. It was fun and a genuinely unique take on the Dracula myth. It plays as kind of a sequel to that old Bela Lugosi outing but it works. Like, it really works. Obviously, the star of this thing is Nic Cage’s take on the Prince of Wallachia but Holt’s Renfield was fun and i even enjoyed Awkwafina in small doses. It’s weird that she keeps getting pushed as the romantic interest to me, though. They did it in Shang-Chi and they did it in this. It’s like, there’s this romantic tension, a subtext of attraction, but they never really let that sh*t evolve. She’s just the plucky sidekick who very obviously has feelings for the protagonist but they never get together. I dunno if that’s by choice of the fact that she isn’t “classically attractive” or whatever. Personally, i think she’s gorgeous and i adore her voice so this sh*t is just bogus in my eyes but whatever. Overall, Renfield is a fun, campy, over-the-top gory, pseudo-capeflick that has a lot of heart and great fight scenes. That said, Ben Schwartz is criminally underused and the whole Lobos gang angle needed more time in order to really have weight. Still, if you have an hour and a half to kill, it’s a good watch.

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

This new Mario movie is boring. I know it's "for kids" but that's not really an excuse, is it? The Lion King is for kids. Shrek is for kids. The Iron Giant is for kids. Kids films can be good. They can be entertaining. This was not. It wasn’t even a bad movie. There are things to love about this flick. Seth Green as Donkey Kong. Jack Black was excellent casting as Bowser. All of the little callbacks and easter eggs. That climax. All of that sh*t was great. Everything else was f*cking mid and i am offended that they think kids are so unsophisticated that they would just accept this mediocre sh*t. But, apparently, they did because this motherf*cker is the first billion dollar movie of the goddamn year and it ain’t even close! Like, Ant-Man III is the next highest grossing film and the motherf*cker can’t even cracked half a bil. F*cking how? Like, where was this enthusiasm for, say, Puss in Boots II? THAT sh*t was f*cking fantastic! You people should have spent your money on that because all this is saying to Hollywood is that you want derivative adaptions of existing IPs. That’s it. I want to be clear here: The Super Mario Bros. movie is not bad but ain’t ain’t good, either. It’s nothing. It’s a nothingburger of a film and the public at large should be ashamed for making it as successful as it is. Unless i get a Metroid flick out of this. Then i will suffer this billion dollar foolishness, no problem.

Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves

This movie has no right to be as good as it is. Seriously, i had the best goddamn time with this thing. It is, unironically, one of the best fantasy outings i have ever seen in my life and is sitting at the top of my list of best film release this year. I was shocked by how dope this movie turned out to be. Seriously, there is just so much to like in this thing. From the adherence to the lore, the DnD easter eggs, detailed world-building, and accurate class attributes. I didn’t think this movie could cover so much ground and keep me interested but it did just that. The performances, from top to bottom, were fantastic. There was real chemistry among this actors and it made this film all the better for it. Look, I'm old as f*ck, right? i can say, with all certainty, that the DND film franchise was a joke until Honor dropped. Some of the worst movies i have ever seen were DND adaptions. Hell, even that old Eighties cartoon was dog sh*t. Not this movie, though. This thing was brilliant!

[kpoptarotvibes]

It almost seems to me like the company has gotten way too complacent with BTS... it's like they already know the fandom is loyal enough to eat anything up so they just don't feel the need to put that much effort into them anymore... and I think that's a big insult to them and the fans who made that company in huge part.

Hybe is clearly putting in effort with their newer groups both conceptually, visually and music wise... you can tell they are passionate about making those newer groups pop off. But with BTS they are just taking the success for granted at this point I think... but there's only so much longer they can get away with that. Another comeback with a boring, mediocre or cheesy song and they will see a decline in numbers and interest... The guys need to really pull through with their own standards for music cause this isn't them... like idk what's going on behind the scenes but I know they will come through for their own mixtapes and solo music so why isn't there that energy for the group music too?

Honestly YTC felt like I was listening to a B side on a Japanese album... a ballad song they would never promote and we would only hear once in a blue moon if they performed it at a Japanese concert. That's the level of that song... but they chose it as the Title Track for a comeback after so long... why Hybe??? Why???

Like I really am wondering as well why they didn't release a proper album with all new music too and I'm thinking it has to be something to do with the fact that they a) never got to do a world tour with MOTS7 cause of Covid and b) the issue of enlistment.... I wonder if Hybe is trying to bide their time and see if enlistment can be delayed any further before making solid plans for BTS going forward... I just hope they don't keep giving them mediocre songs in the meantime because eventually the illusion will fall and even the hard-core fans will lose interest.

I agree it seems like they have been giving all the best songs to TXT. I don't know what is going on with the music production team. You are right if they keep going with this boring acoustic music. They are going to continue to lose fans but oddly at this point. They don't believe they will.

This is why I'm lost because why can't you just release a whole album with a whole new mature concept. To make that transition from boy to manhood. Like we are not blind they are starting to look like men now. So I felt like this was a good time to make that transition with a whole new album. If they couldn't because of the military pending then just don't do a mini album and not promote it so hard but let it be a transition.

Honestly, hardcore and veteran fans have already lost interest and were being pushed out by newer stan fans. I've been reading on a lot of different message boards how the old fans have been leaving the fandom left and right. So it's already being done. I have already left the fandom myself. I really don't keep up and follow BTS as much as I use to anymore.

[morning-meltdown]

Things: 

I had a really beautiful day today. My best friend came up from Denver last night and we made dinner and he stayed the night. I made us breakfast this morning and he changed my brake light for me before he left. I ran a couple of errands (grocery store and car wash) before having a couple of friends over for a delicious dinner where we drank a bottle of wine and laughed non-stop. 

I decided to make a TikTok that I’m, tbh, obsessed with and I posted it to my IG stories where i feel like I shouldn’t have posted anything else after but I went on a mild tangent about how I did my makeup for the TikTok even though I hate makeup and, anyway, I always do that when I am alone and bored - post more than necessary, that is. It causes me a lot of anxiety thinking that I am too much for posting the amount that I do on IG stories but also who fucking cares, you know? I don’t know. I miss the days I’d rarely post but I always love posting currently. Ebb and flow, maybe? I don’t know. I know I’m fucking bored so maybe that’s it. 

The fire near FC is bad. I read a few minutes ago that it’s 62% contained but I guess you can see the flames from the west side of town which is horrifying. I am on the very east side of town so I am not concerned at all but, man, I hope we get a cold front soon and low wind so the firefighters can put that sucker OUT. Also, all of the middle-aged moms posting on FB about sending prayers and yadda, yadda, yadda - BITCH, I know you’re voting for Trump who doesn’t give a damn about climate change so this is just gonna keep happening! Your prayers ain’t gonna do SHIT but your vote will!

The yoga studio reopening got pushed back another week and I know in the grand scheme of things 7 extra days without the space is nothing but I am so ready to practice in a studio again. My entire body is so tight and I just need some consistent heated flows to get my body to open up a bit more. In the meantime, I am just going to go to spin because I tried to go the bare minimum the last 3 or 4 weeks but I found that movement is imperative to stable mental health so, yeah, that’s what we’re gonna do. 

A friend of mine is trying to get me to hook up with her boyfriend’s best friend. We matched on Tinder a few weeks ago but I never texted him after getting his number because downloading Tinder was a moment of weakness and I woke up remembering I’m a bad bitch so I deleted it quickly. Anyway, I didn’t know that my friend knew him and it’s just a coincidence but she’s trying to make it happen. She’s gonna scope out if he has issues with body hair and eating 😽 then I will make my move at a little Halloween gathering she’s putting together if she finds out promising information. I’m going to wear a flannel, vest, baseball hat with sunglasses on the visor, and carry a plastic fish as I will be going as a mediocre white man on Tinder.  

[justsomebucky]

The Three Date Minimum - 1

Summary: Reader is the last single person at her office, and while she puts on a good front, she’s lonely. Will dating apps find true love, or will she swear off romance for good?

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x fem!reader

Word Count: 1,458

Warnings: language, drinking, fluff...this is fluff.

A/N: I’ve never used a dating app, though I probably should. Fair warning in case I get something wrong though. Also, this will feature a bar, and drinking. Special thanks to this pink moscato for giving me the courage to post this...lol

Honestly, the ring was gorgeous.

You’d be crazy to not admit it. It was sparkly and classic and everything a ring should be. It wasn’t your ring; god, no, you would never settle for a man who wanted to change you every time you breathed.

Your coworker Rachel was newly engaged to her longtime boyfriend (the one who was trying to change her). She was the talk of the office for most of Friday.

You were happy for her if she was happy, really, but you couldn’t understand why she was in such a rush to legally bind herself to such a man. She wasn’t his personal maid, nor should she give up her passions in life. She was supposed to be his partner in life, each sharing their passions with each other.

In the end, your opinion didn’t really matter, but they could keep that kinda marriage.

In fact, you were so convinced the dating pool wasn’t going to have anyone different than Rachel’s fiancé (or worse…much worse), so you gave up trying for a while. Some (like your roommate) called you ridiculous for it, but you didn’t have the energy to put into anything less than a relationship that was worth it.

And yes, you’d been single for a while now, but…so be it.

Besides, being the talk of a twenty-person office wasn’t really that big of a deal, right? As the Manhattan branch of a worldwide charity, everyone had loads of work to do helping impoverished women and children. You had a crap ton of money to raise and no time to waste.

When your coworker Wanda rolled her desk chair beside yours, though, you knew you hadn’t heard the last of Rachel’s new ring.

She was giving you that look again, that ‘it’s-okay-it’ll-be-you-someday’ look.

You gave her a look of your own. “Wan, I’m fine. I promise. I’m happy for her.”

“Have you told her that?”

“Not…not yet. There’s a lot of people over there still. I was waiting for the crowd to die down.”

The two of you glanced over at the positively glowing Rachel, who only had two colleagues milling around her now.

You turned back to your computer. “Anyway, I’m a little busy here, Wan, I have lots of calls to make.”

“You can’t fool me.” Wanda rolled her eyes. “There’s a way to solve your loneliness, Y/N.”

“I am not lonely. Did you hear anything I just said?”

“Who did you speak to last night, then? Which humans have you communicated with that you don’t see at work on a daily basis?”

You thought about it for a second. “Natasha.”

“Besides your roommate.” Wanda looked exasperated now. “Come on, Y/N, if you even say Jim Halpert or someone from The Office, I’ll scream.”

“For your information, I watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine last night.”

“You need to try some dating apps, Y/N. That’s how everyone seems to meet these days.”

“That’s not how you met Vis.”

She rolled her eyes a second time. “Totally different scenario there. I went out and met people willingly. You need the apps to push you out of your comfort zone.”

“Absolutely not. I feel like we’ve had this conversation be-”

“Ladies.”

You immediately stopped talking and turned to your boss, Nakia. “Hello! Back so soon?”

She was the best boss ever, to be sure. Her heart was bigger than all five boroughs of New York, and every day she made strides to make sure that those who truly needed her help received it. Everything you knew and loved about non-profits you learned from her.

Nakia gave you a warm smile. “I am only here for the afternoon. I just wanted to remind you of our fundraising goals this month.”

“Oh, right.” Your brows furrowed as you reached for a post-it note on your monitor, waving it so she could see. “Got them right here, Boss.”

“Good. I don’t want anyone to be able to say we didn’t do our part, Y/N.”

“Of course.”

She gave a nod of greeting toward Wanda. “I’ll be back in a week or so. I have an important meeting with a potential resource in Wakanda. In the meantime I’ve left Rachel in charge of the day-to-day operations. Have you both seen her ring?”

The smug look Wanda gave you just then haunted your thoughts all afternoon.

----

When you got home from work that evening, you immediately changed into some comfy pajamas, poured yourself some wine, turned on the TV, and caught up with your newest favorite TV husband, Jake Peralta.

The peaceful joy of binge-watching a great show in an empty apartment didn’t last very long, though. A loud groan sounded from the kitchenette behind you. You didn’t even bother to glance back at your roommate of six months, Natasha.

“Not again, Y/N! It’s a freakin’ Friday night! You’re young and you’re sitting at home, again!”

 “You wouldn’t understand. Jake is wonderful and I love him.”

“It’s been four months, Y/N. Four months of this shit. You have to get back out there.”

“Do I?” You turned your head to give her a look. “I don’t remember there being a time limit. I don’t remember relationships being a requirement for a happy life.”

So maybe you hadn’t always bitter about dating. It had been four months since your last major breakup, but there was no scandal involved. He didn’t cheat, there was no one else…he just lost interest. You stopped being enough for him.

How utterly boring and sad, right?

After that, you pretty much lost interest in dating, too. It wasn’t that you thought the dating pool was mediocre as you’d tried to convince yourself so often, including that very morning.

As hard as it was to admit, you just weren’t ready for the inevitable end of the relationship. You weren’t ready for someone to tell you that you weren’t enough again.

You said that to yourself enough over the last four months.

None of that stopped your best friend and roommate Natasha from trying to get you to date again. Every weekend, she’d been encouraging you to go out and meet someone new, suggesting new dating trends or events she’d heard about. 

“Yes, you do,” she insisted, flopping down on the couch beside you. “Have you tried Tinder?”

“No.”

Natasha rolled her eyes. “Give me your phone.”

You clutched it to your chest in alarm. “No! I don’t want a hookup.”

“It doesn’t have to be a hookup, Y/N, you can actually meet nice guys on there!”

“Haven’t you heard enough horror stories about Tinder? Absolutely not.”

To put the final emphasis on your statement, you turned the volume up. The TV blared the Christmas episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine where they get stuck in the department store, one of your favorites.

Natasha still wouldn’t take the hint. “Fine. Then come with me to this singles event happening in downtown Brooklyn tonight. It’s speed-dating, how hilarious is that?”

That made you glance up again. “Now why on Earth would I want to do that?”

She shrugged a shoulder. “I just thought it would be a great time for you to see other humans for once. And these are only three-minute dates, so it’s bound to be over before you try to sabotage it, right?”

You scoffed. “Your jokes could use some work.”

Natasha reached over and stole the remote from your hand, pausing your show just as Gina gets captured. “Come on, Y/N. I’ll pay for you to get in, I’ll even leave you alone for two whole weeks about dating.”

“Two weeks isn’t a long enough time.”

Torture.

That’s what Nat was asking you to partake in. You hated small talk, and what a terrible way to be forced to talk to someone than at an event where they will definitely try to get their money’s worth.

“Come on, Y/N! It’s this new bar and everyone’s talking about it. It’s not even that far from here! I really want you to go with me.”

Natasha’s face was scrunched up and pleading and dammit, you hated when she got like this.

Okay, whatever.

“Fine,” you sighed, leaning your head back against the cushions. “I will agree to a three date minimum. Three dates, and if there’s no interest piqued, then I get to go back to watching my TV husband for an entire month with not one single peep from you. And you have to tell Wanda to lay off. Agreed?”

She looked satisfied, almost as smug as Wanda did earlier. “Agreed.”

“Good.”

Just as you headed to your room, about to close your door to change, Nat shouted, “Speed-dating counts as just one date though!”

Maybe you shut the door on her a little louder than necessary. 

Ugh.

 ---

Part 2

Masterlist

no tags

[seafoam-mermaid]

Another thing that makes me so unlovable is that it seems like a lot of guys want you to be interested in sex right away, it doesn't happen to me too often since I'm ugly but when it does I don't know how to feel. I don't care about sex, at least not right away, love is first and foremost to me and I could never have sex with someone that I don't love and that doesn't love me in return. I could not care less about sex if love isn't involved. But sometimes I get the feeling that when guys see that I'm not interested in instant sex and that I'm more interested in getting to know them and to establish a close and meaningful relationship first they lose interest in me and ghost/abandon me. It hurts so much. It hurts to always think that a boy maybe finally likes me but they never do, and if it seemed like they initially did they only pretended to like me because they thought I would be an easy and meaningless fuck. Am I not ever worth more than that? :'(

And I'm never good enough to be the girlfriend or the wife, always just the joke girl good for some fooling around with because they're bored and I'm good for a laugh or two and what they think could be a potential mediocre fuck, not because I'm beautiful and lovable but because I am in posession of a fucking hole and it would be one step above jerking off or fucking a dumpster. I'm never good enough, I'm never good enough. I'm always the temporary, in-the-meantime, good-for-a-laugh-and-maybe-hopefully- squeeze-a-nude-or-an-aforementioned-half- assed,-meaningless,-and-mediocre- fuck-out- of-girl, always the one to use and to laugh at and the second that a far better and truly worthy girl comes along I get dropped, erased, and forgotten as if I never existed at all.

They skip off la de da with their gorgeous and perfect in every possible way girlfriend or wife, no hesitation, no more dragging their feet, their bad habits and fuckboy ways all magically disappear, all of a sudden they become exemplary, responsible, upstanding genetlemen that dote on their gf/wife with the utmost devotion and tenderness and proudly show them off on social media. Why does no man on earth ever think that I am girlfriend and love material? How am I not supposed to believe that I am unlovable when this is all I have ever known? People accuse me of being so negative but from a purely logical standpoint, I am truly unlovable, time and time again it gets proven to me, over and over and over. I truly am unlovable :'(

[cheshiresense]

Hey, speaking of the Aizen/Ichigo time travel notfic, I just want to say I really love the way y ou write Aizen when he isn't just the villain. Like I don't even know why Im surprised, it's /you/, your characterization is always amazing. Do you think you can write a few more snippets or hcs with him and Ichigo? Maybe some interactions or convesations between them? No pressure ofc, thank you for everything youv'e already blessed us with!

Lol thank you! That’s good to hear, I always find flat characters painful to read so I do my best to round them out whenever I can. Aizen was a new one for me, this is the first time I’ve explored his character beyond - as you say - just the villain of the story that’s been defeated or needs defeating.

Here’s two more short scenes in this ’verse. I actually really like this AU, which surprises me because before this, I didn’t have any interest in writing Aizen at all.

Pinglist: @yoshifics @bewarethemandragora @runeofluna @selenedreamwalker @hypnos28 @verticallychallengedintrovert @fandommaniac2401 @lovingempress @cynthia-of-the-wallflowers @shadowsofmoonracer @pairp @warriorofbooks @charlottedabookworm @lyra689 @sheyrenawyrsabane @sora-the-empress @xadriannax @yumeniai @arrysa @lirial89-fanfiction @skysong246 @caiahat @grimreaper19 @arosethornbyanyothername @mtkiseki @kaminoko-x @nesskyru @tatarako @parklena42 @zibeth-a @aerdnanocte @timegrenades @healingmichiko @shiko-rae @soraofmelody @fandoms-make-the-world-go-round @north-peach @yannilicious @wolfsrainrules @franticchanges @tremendouslyminiaturequeen @moon6shadow-main @naramyon @presumenothing @miralifox @nonbinary-hawke @dejunco @yuzukimist @raz-ia @13oddballbooks 

[Dinner]

Sousuke generously reserves a table for two at the sushi restaurant a block down from the Academy. He only has to wait ten minutes before Ichigo slouches into the seat opposite his, looking like every student who’s ever pulled three all-nighters in a row rushing for exams.

Sousuke arches an eyebrow. “I did not think the course load you are taking would be difficult for you.”

Ichigo shoots a glare at him but doesn’t seem to have the energy to hold it for longer than a few seconds before he’s slumping again and reaching for the menu instead.

“The course load is fine,” Ichigo tells him irritably. “But one of my teachers used to be Thirteenth Division and has some stupid grudge against Kaien because Ukitake-san passed him over for lieutenant even though he had a longer tenure than Kaien or something. So he’s taking it out on me by giving me extra assignments out of the blue every week. Says I’ll fail his class if I don’t do them.” He waves a dismissive hand. “I kinda wanna call his bluff, but it’s whatever, I just wanna graduate as soon as possible, and I can deal with a case of asshole. It was just a little tougher lately cuz of midterms but today was my last one anyway.”

Sousuke studies him for a careful moment. “You could mention it to your cousin. I am sure Shiba Kaien would jump to your defense, especially when he is involved.”

“Yeah, and that’s exactly why I’m not gonna tell him,” Ichigo scowls. “He’ll go charging in and kick up a huge fuss and definitely go overboard defending my honour or some shit. He’ll probably get Hisakawa fired, which I don’t really care about, but he’ll also draw a crapload of attention, and I don’t want anybody tossing words like nepotism and favouritism around. You told me yourself the Twelfth doesn’t seem to have many big clan members, and it’s not exactly a shock that Kisuke chooses people for his Division according to their intelligence. I don’t want him thinking I’m coasting by on my clan’s reputation or something, and that’s exactly what will happen  if I get Kaien to step in for me for every little thing.” He pointedly sticks his menu up between them. “Now can we order already? I literally haven’t eaten anything but instant ramen in a week. I’m getting everything here since you’re paying.”

“Oh I am, am I?” Sousuke enquires dryly.

“I’m poor, deal with it.”

“I am fairly certain your clan would shower you with money if you mention that you need it,” Sousuke points out. “And nobody else would even know if you are so concerned about reputation.”

Ichigo grimaces even as he glances around to catch the waiter’s eye. “Kaien’s already giving me a stipend every month cuz I’m family but I wanna save that for an apartment when I graduate. Besides, I don’t like asking people for money.”

Sousuke gives him a flatly droll look. “And yet.”

Ichigo meets his gaze without hesitation, a smirk curling at his lips, one that teeters between gruff amusement and a reckless sort of mockery. “Consider it payment for creeping on me when I was a kid and then dragging me into a war. You almost killed me multiple times; sushi’s the least you owe me, bastard.”

They pause for a minute to place their respective orders, and neither of them speaks until the waiter is out of earshot again.

“I wonder,” Sousuke murmurs, eyeing Ichigo thoughtfully. “If you blame Urahara Kisuke for ‘dragging you into a war’ as much as you blame me.”

Ichigo snaps his chopsticks and then jabs them at him. “Kisuke apologized. You didn’t.”

“And I never will,” Sousuke agrees, because he won’t, not with any kind of sincerity, and he’s noticed that Ichigo has a knack for picking out that sort of thing. Sousuke isn’t sorry. Perhaps his ambitions and plans gave the boy very little choice in the matter, but at the end of the day, it was still Kurosaki Ichigo who chose to fight instead of bow or run away, and Sousuke can respect him enough as a former formidable enemy to give credit where it’s due.

Ichigo made his choices, just as Sousuke made his own, and they’ll both live with them just the same, good and bad.

“No,” Ichigo acknowledges easily, and Sousuke knows no one else who can say that in this situation with no anger or bitterness, just a resigned sort of acceptance as if he made his peace with this truth a long time ago. Instead, he only points his chopsticks at Sousuke again. “But that’s why you have to pay for my sushi and Kisuke doesn’t.”

Sousuke watches him for a moment longer and idly wonders if he’ll ever understand the kind of person Kurosaki Ichigo is. One day, perhaps, but at least in the meantime, he won’t be bored.

He inclines his head just as the first of their dishes arrive.

“As you say,” He acquiesces, and Ichigo flashes a grin like he’s won something important. Oddly enough, it amuses Sousuke more than anything else. But there are worse things than amusement, and for now, he lets it be.

Well, he lets that be anyway. Ichigo is a… puzzle that Sousuke probably won’t tire of putting together for a good while yet, and that suits him just fine.

On the other hand…

He steps quietly into the classroom, shutting the door behind him. The click makes the man sitting behind the desk at the front look up. “Aizen-fukutaichou? This is… unexpected. Did we have a meeting I forgot about?”

Hisakawa’s confusion is understandable. As far as Sousuke can remember, in both timelines, he’s never spoken to the other Shinigami. Hisakawa was insignificant before - sub-par intellect and mediocre strength, not good for anything but canon fodder, which Aizen had plenty of Hollows for - and he’s just as insignificant now. It’s just that he’s also making a nuisance of himself this time around, which is unfortunate for him.

“Hisakawa-sensei,” Sousuke greets with a pleasant smile as he approaches. “We do not, as far as I am aware. I simply wished to speak to you about one of our mutual students.”

“Oh, well, of course,” Hisakawa frowns quizzically. “Which student are you talking about? Is it a schedule conflict? Those should’ve been ironed out months ago though.”

Sousuke supposes the man gets points for touching on the only problem a student attending both their classes could have. Hisakawa teaches history - a core class - while Sousuke only teaches calligraphy as an elective. They don’t have much else in common.

Then again, if schedule conflicts were ironed out months ago, it obviously can’t be that, and there’s no point bringing it up. Sousuke takes it back. Hisakawa is still just as much of a waste of space as Sousuke has always believed him to be. Honestly, the hiring standards these days. If this was Shiba Kaien’s competition for the lieutenant seat, no wonder Ukitake refused to fill the position with anyone else even if it meant waiting a decade for the Shiba Clan Head to accept.

“No, it is nothing of that sort,” Sousuke agrees. “But it has come to my attention that Shiba Ichigo-kun has been receiving quite a number of… extracurricular assignments from you.”

Hisakawa immediately bristles, and a sneer slashes itself across his face. “Oh, he’s been complaining, has he?”

“He has mentioned it to me,” Sousuke says mildly.

Hisakawa snorts. “I wasn’t aware Shibas even knew calligraphy existed,” He mutters snidely before saying, louder and more patronizing, “You shouldn’t listen to him, Aizen-fukutaichou. You know how Shibas can be, they’re always exaggerating. I’m not giving Shiba more work than he needs. His history marks could use some work, and I’m trying to help. I hear he wants to graduate in a year, and he can’t do that if he fails a core class.”

Sousuke hums a considering note. “He is in danger of failing? How strange. Shiba-kun takes after his cousin, does he not? Another prodigy.”

Hisakawa’s sneer only grows more pronounced. “They give that title to any clan kid these days, it doesn’t mean anything. Trust me, Shiba’s history marks alone will probably see him here next year, especially if he’s going around whining about not getting special treatment.”

Sousuke raises an eyebrow. “I admit, I am rather surprised by that. You see, I have read some of Shiba-kun’s history papers.” He hasn’t had much of a choice. For whatever reason, Ichigo likes working in his office, and he has the strangest tendency to paper his work all over the floor. And paperwork gets boring, and Ichigo’s thought process can be… interesting, even on the most mundane topics. “I am no expert on the subject of course, but from what I could tell, his work is always thoroughly researched and well-written. Perhaps you should take another look.”

Hisakawa’s face turns steadily red, and he pushes to his feet even as he accuses, “So you think just because he has a clan backing him, he should get special treatment too! I thought better of you, Aizen-fukutaichou.”

Sousuke has to suppress a chuckle but amusement slips into his expression anyway, because Hisakawa’s features darken to something downright hostile. “His marks will stay the same. In fact, I might fail him just on principle! I didn’t think Shiba was a coward too, sending another teacher to beg a better grade out of me just because he can’t handle my class.”

Sousuke stares him down for a long unblinking moment, until Hisakawa is almost twitching from the tension stretched between them. Only when the man opens his mouth again, no doubt to splutter out something belligerent, does Sousuke sigh and drop a hand to his Zanpakutou.

“Well, I did try,” He muses, mostly to himself.

He draws his blade. Hisakawa stares and doesn’t even make a move for his own Zanpakutou. What a fool.

“Hey, what do you think you’re doing?”

“Normally,” Sousuke explains courteously. “I would not bother stepping in on behalf of a student, especially when that student would - I dare say - be rather cross with me should he find out. But we have plans to carry out, and I will not allow something so trivial to hinder them.”

Hisakawa gawps at him. How unsightly.

“You need not worry,” Sousuke adds. “You will not remember a thing.”

Finally, Hisakawa reaches for his Zanpakutou, the first blush of alarm rising in his features. “Wait, have you gone insane, Aizen? What do you think attacking me is even going to do? I- I won’t be threatened-!”

“Shatter,” Sousuke cuts him off, smiling benignly even as his reiatsu swells around them. “Kyouka Suigetsu.”

And Hisakawa’s expression goes slack as the hynosis takes hold, slithering into the deepest recesses of his mind.

“You should be honoured,” Sousuke murmurs. “This will be some of my finest work. After all, anything less and Ichigo-kun might notice. And I would rather not be scolded again.”

(This Is A Time Skip But Also Does Tumblr Not Know How To Center Shit)

[Sight]

Sousuke glances up as a shadow passes through his window before returning to his paperwork. “Shouldn’t you be working?”

A disgruntled noise answers him. “Kis- Urahara-taichou is neck-deep in a new experiment; he’s not gonna notice I’m missing for days, never mind one afternoon.”

“And you decided to come visit me?” Sousuke can’t help but find that amusing, considering their past. “How thoughtful.”

He pauses when Ichigo doesn’t snipe something back, as is fairly standard these days. He looks up. Ichigo isn’t even looking in his direction. Instead, he’s still perched on the windowsill, and his gaze is slanted to one shadowed corner  above the bookshelf across the room.

“…Ichigo-kun?”

Ichigo blinks, then turns to him and hops down into the office. “Hey, so, I figured it out,” He says abruptly. His eyes flit around the room again, and Sousuke notices the way they dart from shadow to shadow before finally focusing on him again. “The seeing into their little shadow world thing.”

Sousuke straightens. “Oh?”

“Yeah,” Ichigo lifts a hand, and pale blue light sparks off his fingertips.

Sousuke stares. How fascinating. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen any other Quincy wield reishi so casually.

“I think I can make it so you can see them too,” Ichigo continues. “I’m gonna have to… fiddle with your eyesight a bit though.”

Sousuke pins him with an assessing look before slowly reaching up to take off his glasses. “If you end up blinding me, I will stab you before you make it out of this room.”

Ichigo rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, whatever, but I’m not gonna do that. Now hold still and close your eyes.”

It takes effort not to flinch, much to Sousuke’s irritation. But the grip he still has around his writing brush tightens anyway when cool fingers touch his eyelids.

It barely feels like anything. There’s a tingle that itches a little, but it’s there and gone within seconds, leaving only an odd chill behind, not unlike getting a cold gust of wind to the face during winter. Ichigo withdraws, and Sousuke opens his eyes.

Nothing looks different. He doesn’t actually need glasses to begin with so everything is clear. He cocks a questioning look at Ichigo, who shakes his head.

“Wait for it,” He murmurs, taking a seat on the edge of Sousuke’s desk and absently shuffling through the top file in the inbox. “They’re not always spying on everyone. But you’re a person of interest to them, you know that, so I think they check in on you pretty often.” He pauses, and his gaze slides across the room before he focuses on the file in his hands again. “Here he comes. Don’t let him see you watching him.”

Sousuke follows his brief line of sight, just in time to see a very familiar blond head bob into view in the shadow cast by the couch set against the wall. It isn’t a very big shadow, a foot high at most, so Sousuke only gets to see the face and part of his neck and a little of the high white collar of his uniform, but it’s enough.

The next second, he’s reaching for one of his books and flipping it open like that was why he looked up from his paperwork at all. But now that he can see that he’s being watched, can sense it even, and so blatantly too, the urge to simply get up and run the Quincy through for his gall is tempting. Only the knowledge that he can’t at the moment stays his hand.

Can he hear us? Sousuke scrawls on a spare piece of paper.

“No,” Ichigo mutters back. “I tested it. It’s like a soundproofed window. I mean, it is now.” He smirks triumphantly out of sight of the Quincy. “Before I figured it out, it was like one of those one-way mirrors. Now we can see them too. But we can’t hear them, and they can’t hear us. They might know how to lip-read though, so be careful anyway.”

Well, obviously. Giving the game away this early would be foolish.

Sousuke watches through his periphery as the Quincy gives them both a last cursory blank look before his head moves out of the shadow and disappears again.

“Jugram Haschwalth,” Sousuke murmurs, surveying his office before turning his attention to Ichigo. “And they can see through every shadow in Soul Society?”

“As far as I can tell, yeah,” Ichigo scowls darkly. “They’re a bunch of regular Peeping Toms.” He grins for a moment, all teeth. “You would’ve made great friends.”

Sousuke narrows a reprimanding look at him. Ichigo just grins wider, not at all repentant, but he doesn’t push further either.

“What should we do now?” He asks instead. “I’m still working on figuring out a way to get through, but at least we can see them. Do we just keep doing what we’re doing and try not to draw their attention?”

“Yes,” Sousuke decides. “But also, mark down who they look in on most, who they consider to be the biggest threats, and who they’ve overlooked but can be threats to them.” He puts his glasses back on. “How long will I be able to see them?”

Ichigo shrugs. “Eh, not sure. You’re my first guinea pig.” Sousuke sighs. At least Ichigo looks a little sheepish now. “We can do a few tests over the weekend or something when I don’t have work. I probably should get back now.”

“I thought you said Urahara wouldn’t notice,” Sousuke says sardonically.

“He won’t,” Ichigo confirms. “But Hiyori will. She’s yelling at the science department at the moment though, and that always takes at least an hour, so I figured I’d take the chance to come show you this-” He waves a hand in the direction of the shadow Jugram was in. “-since I finally got it down this morning.”

Sousuke glances lingeringly at him. You could have waited, he almost says, but the words don’t come in the end, and a moment later, Ichigo is halfway out the window again.

“Anyway, see ya later,” He calls back briskly. “I finally got my first paycheck yesterday so I bought groceries. If you want free dinner, swing ’round my place and I’ll feed you. And we can talk more about the Peeping Toms.”

And then he’s gone in a rush of Shunpo, leaving Sousuke to stare after him, feeling strangely wrong-footed.

But then, Ichigo has a habit of leaving him that way.

Sousuke sighs again, puts it out of his mind, and gets back to work, firmly ignoring the blond-haired spy that sidles back into his office via the shadow in one corner of the ceiling this time.

But he can’t wait until Ichigo figures out a way to get through. He’s chopping the head off of this one personally.

[serenagaywaterford]

This episode made me ship them more. The whole scene with them fighting and trying to hurt each other was great. The cinematography was on point plus the crying made it so much better. I really love your take on the scenes your hashtags are the best. Also honestly nick is boring asf but I guess they are giving him some backstory but idk he might turn out to be a horrible person and I don’t think I would sympathize with him if they did. There is only room for one horrible person in my heart.

LMAO. “There is only room for one horrible person in my heart.” BIG MOOD! That section of my heart is also completely full. No more space. We’re at capacity! Serena is so horrible and also tall that I can’t fit anybody else in.

And, yeah, that fight scene was just so intimate that I was like “OooOoooOo”. How could I not ship them after that PASSIONATE FUCKING SCREAMING MATCH? I thought 3x01 was peak, but that may be even more? (Nah, 3x01 was peak simply cos they hugged afterwards. But this was... something else. In a good way.) I know often huge fights like this discourage people but man, if they feel that strongly about each other to fight like THAT, there’s a lot of fucking shit here to work with. And the actual words?! They’re the shit people say to lovers, or I guess family and best friends sometimes. Either way, it’s not the sort of shit you just fling at at a person you don’t really care about. And you certainly don’t cry about it or then lash out back at them.

It was a beautiful scene, all in all. I’d take that, even with all the pain and anger, over something like that Nick/June ...thing any day. (What was that? Honestly, Nick is so fucking boring. It’s like trying to converse with a boiled cabbage. Poor Lizzie.)

It’s no secret that i am no fan of nick. i’ve never really liked the guy. i full on was turned off him in 1x08(?)... whatever episode his backstory was. Like he’s just a fucking sketchy ass dude. he rubbed me the wrong way cos he’s such a Nice Guy TM. fucking fedora-wearing human porridge. god, i can’t stand him lmao. (and my dislike--beyond just how boring he is--was solidified in s2 when he’s just as selfish as anybody else complicit in Gilead). his fans can miss me with the insane mental gymnastics they do to excuse every single shitty thing about him and keep him a precious bb uwu. i’ve said it a million times: i appreciated his role in s1 cos it served a purpose but past that, i don’t even know why he’s even still around... other than ratings and this asinine concept that “omg we need a love story to balance out all the shitty stuff! we need hope and nice things!!” oh grow up. real hope is seeing these women topple gilead, get free, and reconnecting with loved ones. there are plenty of things in the meantime for hope too like i dunno, strong friendships! alliances! flashbacks to good times! fun musical cues! ...please anything but “hope means the main female character getting boned by some mediocre --at best-- male”. sorry, didn’t mean to rant!!!!!

i just wanted to say that IF serena (and the swiss lady) isn’t lying, that makes nick SLIGHTLY more interesting to me simply cos they’re developing shit they hinted at in s1, and even s2, if you’re watching without rose-coloured nick-glasses. he’s shady and always has been. making him integral to the rise of gilead is an excellent direction to take his character. and no, it’s not coming out of nowhere. the seeds were there for this. but that said, i would still have no sympathy for him lol. i don’t have sympathy for any man in THT really. (ok mayyyyybe luke to a limited degree. but no gilead man. especially no gilead man that actively works for gilead lol)

(if my heart has to be broken cos of what they’re doing to serena despite everything they promised, people who like nick can be broken-hearted too lmaoooooo.)

[ill-skillsgard]

Phoenix Rising, Part 6 - Valter Skarsgård

Title: Phoenix Rising

Description: The struggle for domination is paved with deceit and destructive lust as two enemies battle it out for control night after night.

Warning: 18+ swearing/mentions of rape/violence/femdom/DDLG leanings

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

I replayed my night with Valter over in my head like a tune that I couldn't stop humming. It was repeating even as we put our clothes back on and sat in the living room with controllers in our hands. I couldn't help but wonder if Valter was thinking about it too; the sensation of my pussy squeezing around him, after-shudders or if he still had the taste of my juices on his lips. The fullness he had given to me remained seeded inside of me and when I moved in my seat I was reminded of what it felt like to be spread open by a cock that I hadn't expected to be so substantial. And there he was, dressed in his jeans and hoodie with his hat back on, playing video games with me like I didn't just make him beg for me to let him come. He was unsettlingly casual about it. He didn't bite his lip nervously like I was or try to steal glances. There was concentration written on his face that made me forget about how he looked when he was watching me ride him and how sweet it was to hear him sounding desperate. We played until the early morning hours and it wasn't until about 3 AM that Valter looked down at his phone and realized just how much time he had spent with me in my apartment. The game we chose was starting to lose its entertainment value and he stretched his arms up and yawned, twisting his spine to stretch out from being slumped over on the couch for too long. "Nixy... Would you hate me if I called it a night?" He asked cautiously. "No, of course not. It's pretty late," I conceded. I watched as he set the controller down on the coffee table and turned to me. "I won't bother you any longer." Blushing, I replied, "it's no bother. You can stay over again if you like." "No, I shouldn't. I should get back home like a good little boy," he teased. Flushing harder, I watched him get up and stretch his body out some more. I was reminded of how I had just witnessed every inch of him naked but now that he was clothed it was like it had never happened and I craved to do it all again. Valter standing up and making his way to the front door to put on his shoes signified the end of the evening and the beginning of a strange limbo and a string of questions that I would be polling myself for endlessly. Was this just a casual fuck? Would he regret it? Had my aggression been too much for a first time fuck? Was he now scared of me and relieved to be escaping my home? What would he tell all of his friends? Did he actually like me? All of these possibilities jingled inside of my head like a dryer full of nuts and bolts but when Valter turned around after pocketing his cell phone he bent over, gripped both of my shoulders and smiled. "Now don't look so pouty," he nearly whispered. "You look so lost." "No, it's nothing. I'm just suddenly extremely tired." "I know. You should get to bed. I know I can't wait to lay in bed when I get home." Nodding my head, I tried to avoid his eyes but his grip on my shoulders tightened. "Hey... What's the matter?" He asked. "Nothing. Nothing, I swear," I tittered nervously. "Nix... I'm not going to go tell everyone and their uncle about us hooking up. And don't for a second think that once I leave I'll have no intentions of returning. I like you and judging by the magnitude of the pout on your face over me leaving, you like me too?" Rolling my eyes, I scoffed, "well, I don't fuck guys that I don't like." "So, then it's agreed. We'll hang out again. Soon." "Okay," I nodded. Valter dragged me into a hug with both arms coiled tightly around me and kissed the crown of my head as he took in a deep haul of my scent and sighed. "And don't worry about Riley either. We'll make up some dumb shit if he asks about anything. Or something. I don't know. We'll figure that out when we get there." "Sounds good," I agreed, still unable to speak more than a few words at a time in fear that anything I said could send him running for the hills. "Goodnight, Nixy-cat," he bid me farewell and left as a warm wave of arousal drizzled over my body like thick syrup. Once the smell of him had gone and the sounds in my house ceased to exist, I turned off my TV and went to bed with hopes that his scent may have been lingering on my sheets. I felt equal parts excited and lonely when I laid down and pulled the blanket up to my chin. Silently, I wished that he had stayed so that I could bathe in his presence and doze off in his arms but I knew that what I wanted would have been asking too much. Breathing in deeply, I tried to center myself to pull the pieces of my exploded mind back into one coherent picture. Overthinking was always something that I had been detrimentally good at and I didn't want that to be a hindrance to me any longer. I had to keep my head on my shoulders and not allow myself to fall in love with Valter no matter how nice he was to me or how cute it was when he smiled and the balls of his cheeks caused his green eyes to squint. Even if he called me pet names and made me feel small and safe. No, I had dominance to assert. I couldn't let the musings of a happy little relationship taunt me from afar. But I still couldn't help but sigh into the pillow that had cradled his head when I had fucked him, breathing in what I wanted to believe was the lasting smell of his blond hair.

~*~

Valter wasn't scheduled to work the next couple of days at the same time as me and I couldn't deny that it was upsetting that I wasn't able to see him. I kept my phone on vibrate in my pocket just in case I got a message because I was eager to hear from him even though I tried to train myself to be indifferent. The whispers of internal anxiety were telling me all sorts of things I didn't want to entertain. They told me that if he really wanted to talk to me, he would have messaged me already. Then my voice of reason would scoff and tell me that it was only the next day and to expect a good morning text from a guy that I had just fooled around with was unrealistic. I tried to drown the voices at work by keeping myself occupied. When I wasn't with customers I was cleaning and once there was no surface left unpolished, I began organizing games and making sure everything was in alphabetical order. Riley came out every once in a while to check in on me but would quickly disappear back into his office when our conversation dwindled which it did several times and quickly. The following day was the same as the last and when I got into work and shoved my stuff into my locker I looked over at Valter's and really started to miss him. Work was boring without him there to make jokes and alleviate the awkwardness that came with working with only one other person. However, Riley came out more often and seemed chipper enough to actually make decent conversation. I nearly forgot about what Valter had told me about his inappropriate comments. "Hey, Nix. Do you want to come to DND tonight?" Riley asked. "DND sounds fun. Who's all going?" "Just the guys again. I know it's probably not so tempting to sit around a table with a bunch of nerds being the only girl but... I wanted to invite you. It was fun last time." "Yeah, except for everyone drinking too much wine and dropping off like flies," I giggled. "It won't be like that again. It's just going to be a casual little Monday night campaign." "Is everyone from work going?" I asked. "Yeah. At least, I invited everyone and they all said yes." I agreed to go out for the simple fact that I wanted an excuse to see Valter again without having to reach out to him personally. Riley didn't seem to harbor any feelings of animosity and if he did, he did a good job of hiding it. That was until I got to the cafe and found Riley sitting at a table for two. Unloading my purse from my shoulder, I hung it on the back of the chair and looked around curiously. Riley was beaming up at me, motioning towards the glass of wine he had taken the liberty of pouring for me. "Where are the rest of the guys?" I asked as I took my seat slowly. "Oh, uh, yeah. A couple of them canceled last minute. Still waiting on some of them. But we can play a game in the meantime if you want," Riley suggested. "We're going to need a bigger table though," I pointed out. "There's no way the board is going to fit on here." "That's okay, we'll just move to another one when they get here." I didn't suspect anything was amiss at first. Riley suggested we play a couple games of Mastermind to eat up the time we were taking waiting for the rest of the group to join us. He kept my wine topped up and ordered a plate of nachos for us to share, stating that he hadn't eaten hardly anything all day and that he would need his strength for later. Plucking a corn chip from the mountain of cheese, onion, and tomato, I laughed uneasily and looked out the storefront window to see if anyone recognizable was pulling up. It wasn't until about an hour in that I realized Riley hadn't so much as glanced at his cell phone. We had blasted through a few games of Mastermind that I had easily won and the novelty of it began to wear off quickly. I shifted in my seat and forced accommodating laughs when Riley slung out mediocre joke after mediocre joke. "Wine?" He asked, lifting the bottle again to pour. "No thanks, I'm good for now. I have to drive. Can't really get too buzzed on a Monday night. Work and all," I shrugged. "Ah, one more glass won't hurt you!" "No, really. It's fine. I haven't had much to eat today and if I get pulled over I'll be a dead giveaway." "You're hungry? I can order more food for us if you want," Riley offered. "I'm fine. I have leftovers at home that I need to eat." "Well, if you want more wine, it will be right here waiting for you," he wiggled his eyebrows. I cocked my head in puzzlement but the pieces were all starting to fall into place. I reached into my purse and pulled out my phone to see if anybody had written in the work chat about coming out to play DND but when I saw that the last message had been read by everyone the day prior, my suspicions rose drastically. "Um, are you sure the guys are coming? Nobody has said anything in the group chat," I pointed out. "Hey, now. DND is a no cell phone zone!" Riley tittered. "Put that thing away." "We're not really playing DND right now though so-" "Yeah, but we will be! Come on now. Put that away. Really." His suggestion didn't sit well in my stomach and I brushed him off so that I could check to see if Valter had been online recently. The green light beside his name told me all that I needed to know so I opened a private chat window with him and sent him a short message.

You coming to DND tonight?

Riley arced his neck and looked at the screen that I was staring at intently. I waited with held breath for Valter to see my message and respond to it. "Who ya talking to?" Riley asked. I set my phone down in my lap and looked up at him with a twisted grin that masked my discomfort. "I'm just messaging Valter to see when he'll be here." "Oh," Riley said gravely. "What?" "Nothing, it's just... Man, I told you it's a no cell phone zone." "Dude... We're not playing right now. Relax." Moments later my phone buzzed to life with a message from Valter. My heart skipped a beat when I began to read it.

Didn't know there was DND tonight. 

Cocking an eyebrow across the table at Riley, I felt my cheeks start to turn red. The scoff that left my throat was accompanied by a shake of my head and the man seated in front of me began to squirm uncomfortably in his chair.

Wtf. Riley said he invited everyone?

"Seriously, Nix. It's kind of rude to sit there on your phone, don't you think?" When I snapped my head back up, Riley blinked profusely and a damp sheen coated his forehead. He tried to hide his guilt by sipping on his glass of wine and shoveling another handful of chips into his mouth.

I didn't get invited. But how are you going to play with no dungeon master?

"When is Liam coming?" I asked Riley. "Not really sure," he replied.

What do you mean?

Riley's mounting frustration began to show through clearly and as much as I wished it weren't true, I started to realize exactly what was going on. The man across the table from me sighed heavily when I looked back down at my phone to another message from Valter.

I'm playing AOC with Liam and Kyle right now. 

It made sense that nobody had said anything in the work chat and Riley could see me putting everything together before his eyes and the only thing he did in response was drain another glass of red wine before clapping his hands together. "Let's play something else. What do you suggest?" He asked. "Riley... You didn't invite Valter to play?" I asked. He rebuffed and rolled his eyes but I could see how jittery he had become now that I was figuring out that his invitation had been a ruse. "Yeah, okay. Whatever. So I didn't invite Valter out. Who cares? He's kind of a dick, anyway." "Valter's not a dick," I defended. "Yeah, he is. Of course, he's nice to you but to everyone else, he's really quite cocky. I don't know how you don't see that." I stood up, clutching my phone in my hand, readying myself to gather my things but Riley was quick to stop me. "Not only that, Riley, but you also didn't invite Kyle or Liam? Liam's the dungeon master." "So what? Anybody can be the dungeon master. It doesn't always have to be Liam." "No," I shook my head. "This is weird. Tell me what's really going on. What were you trying to accomplish?" He jeered and shrugged his shoulders, "I told you already!" "Did you literally just invite me out and nobody else under false pretenses?" "No! Nix... I already told you. Pretty much everyone canceled. Sorry that it's just us right now. Am I really so terrible?" "But you didn't invite Valter?" "Why would I invite some Swedish dickhead that thinks he's better at everything than everyone else? He's not that fun to play with anyway." "At least he's honest! This... This was a fucking low blow, Riley. This was a dumb move." "Nix... Wait," he pleaded as I jammed my arms into the sleeves of my hoodie. "No. I'm leaving. I can't believe you did this." "How else was I supposed to get you to agree to come out with me?" He asked, voice hovering above a whisper so that nobody else in the cafe was alerted to the spectacle that was unfolding. My anger was marked by how many times I scoffed in his direction. "I don't know... Ask? Like a normal person. Don't lie to my face to lure me out on a date with you." "You wouldn't have said yes," he murmured. Anger tightened my gut and I slung my purse across my chest before leaning over the table to bore my eyes into the sorry little man that was hiding behind a green glass bottle and a half-finished plate of congealing nachos. "Listen to me, Riley. You're my boss. I'm not interested and you shouldn't be interested in me either. This is wildly unprofessional." "And fucking your coworker isn't unprofessional?" He jabbed. I recoiled but instead of hesitating for an iota longer than what it took for my anger level to skyrocket, I shoved the chair I had been using under the table so hard that it nearly knocked over the empty wine glasses. "What happens between Valter and I is nobody's business but ours, okay? Valter is my friend. He doesn't hide behind measly fabrications and he doesn't lie right to my face." "Oh, he doesn't? Then I guess he's told you about all of the other girls he wheels. It's not just you." With fists clenched tightly, I willed myself not to blow my top and scream in the middle of the cafe at the man that had duped me into unknowingly attending what he had intended on turning into a date. "I said that we're friends," I repeated through my pressed teeth. "Oh, I'm sure you just want to be friends with the big, tall Swedish guy. Your face certainly betrays your words when I see you swooning over him while you're supposed to be working." "Riley..." I breathed, trying to steady myself emotionally. "There are laws in place that prevent you from being able to penalize me based on this encounter. You cannot talk to me like this. This is harassment." "We're not at work," he pointed out. "If you so much as whisper a word of this at work or if you try to make me feel bad for rejecting you, I promise you that I will get a lawyer and take legal action immediately. Consider our friendship terminated and from now on, the only relationship we have is professional. Don't invite me out to game nights. Don't talk to any of the others about this and if you try to punish me or Valter, I will be on the phone with the labor law board so fast you won't even have time to apologize." "There's nothing for me to apologize for. I'm well within my rights." "We'll see about that," I sneered, adjusted the strap of my bag, pivoted on my heel and left without looking back. When I got behind the steering wheel of my car and stewed in the silent orange glow of the streetlights I let out a long groan. It had taken all of my willpower not to lunge across the table and ram my fist down Riley's throat. Ferocity was bubbling over the edges of my ability to remain calm. 

Riley invited me out for "DND" but when I got there it was just him.

I waited impatiently for the three dots of Valter's impending response. After five minutes of sitting alone in my car, I nearly sobbed. I couldn't afford to lose my job and the last thing I wanted to do was get into an overblown legal battle if things were to escalate further. I could see nothing else but a mountain of shit wreaking in the distance and I was headed straight for it with no brakes.

Lol what? 

My impatience made Valter's response seem uncaring. It wasn't as though he was going to come running to my rescue. I was just a girl that he had fucked the night before and the things that Riley had said about him made me fear the worst. After all, I didn't now Valter well and if what Riley said was true then perhaps I was just another point on his kill count.

He tricked me. He invited me out and said everyone was coming for DND but it was just him. He didn't invite anyone else. Idk I guess I just feel... Violated?  

Valter's response was much quicker after I reiterated what had happened.

Are you okay? Did he try anything weird?

I typed away manically and had to backspace several times because I couldn't quite convey my level of astonishment.

Nothing weirder than luring me out on a date that I didn't know I was a part of.

He must have been awaiting my response because as soon as I sent the message it checked off as read.

Do you need me to come to get you? Or do you have your car?

I couldn't respond fast enough.

I have my car. I'm in it right now. I haven't left yet. I'm just so angry. There's a tire iron in my trunk that I want to break his kneecaps with. Ugh... Sorry. I know this has nothing to do with you but I'm just SO mad.

Valter replied in under five seconds.

If you want you can come over? I don't have a nice house to myself like you but you can come chill out here if you feel unsafe.

A smile broke out over my face as wide as I could possibly manage. With my heart aflutter, I turned the keys in the ignition and sent one last response before driving off in the direction of Valter's apartment building. I was buzzed into the building promptly after typing in a code that Valter had sent to me. He said nothing over the speaker box and the lock clicked open for me to open the door. I took the elevator to his floor and walked down the hall in the wrong direction before I heard a door open at the opposite end of the corridor. "Nix," he said softly though it reverberated off the white walls. Blushing slightly, I turned and made my way to his open door. He shut it gently behind me and I took a moment to take in the surroundings. It was a quaint apartment with a standard kitchen that branched off into a living room. Almost all of the lights were off except for the one in the kitchen that shone down over a table surrounded by a couple of wooden chairs and a bowl of fruit sitting atop. "Just this way," he nodded towards a closed door that I assumed was the entrance to his bedroom. I waited for him to turn off the kitchen light and open the door for me to step into his room. When I looked around I saw many things that would give light to anyone exactly the type of person that spent their time in there. There were posters and collectibles from video games and raunchy cartoons on shelves and light pouring out from two huge computer monitors. I saw that he had a microphone set up and a decent webcam attached to the top of one of the monitors. It was definitely a guy's room and I made my way through it as any stranger would, staring at all of the memorabilia and inching closer to the bed. "Can I sit here?" I asked, hinting toward his made bed. "Yeah, for sure. Sorry, I don't have another chair in here. I could go get one." "No, it's okay. No worries," I replied. The room smelled so profusely like him that I was immediately calmed and when I set down my bag and took off my sweater I sank onto the mattress as he sat down at his desk. "Give me one second, Nix. I just have to finish this game and then I'm all yours," Valter ran both of his hands through his hair before putting on a set of headphones and unpausing a game that he had been in the middle of playing. He told whomever he was playing with that he had to leave after their game but didn't tell them why. I waited patiently on his bed with my face buried in my phone trying to distract myself from the heart palpitations I was experiencing simply by being immersed in his domain. When I looked at his profile I felt like I was going to melt and when he took off his headset and turned to me with a smile I felt even more lightheaded. "I'm done now," he told me as he scratched the back of his head and mussed his hair in the process. "Are you all good? He didn't like... Try to kiss you or anything, did he?" I shook my head. "No. I would have punched him." "You should have punched him anyway. That's so weird. Why would he pretend to invite everyone out?" Valter began to speculate. "Trust me, I've been trying to figure it out. I don't know what planet he lives on to think that an idea like that would go over well with anyone." "Yeah," Valter laughed. "Like he would be such a good time that you wouldn't notice that nobody else showed up!" "And we all have work together tomorrow," I pointed out. "Fuck. That's going to be weird." I picked the cuticles of my nails nervously. The room went quiet until I breathed to speak up. "Riley said shit about you too. Like, rude shit." "Fuck that guy. He's so... Fucked." "You don't want to know what he said about you?" Valter snorted, "I don't give a shit what he says about me. Riley doesn't know me. We've known each other for a few weeks now." "Apparently he has it out for you," I replied. "Let him. The guy is just jealous. It's not my fault the girl he likes wants me instead." I rolled my eyes before replying, "well, it's kind of your fault that I like you." "No, it's not. I can't make you like me. Nobody can make you like anything!" "Oh, shut up. You wanted me to like you." Valter smirked at me before getting up to turn off the light. All at once, we were bathed in darkness and I giggled softly in excitement when I felt him crawling into bed beside me. "Of course I wanted you to like me. You're cute," he whispered. "Now, get under the covers. It's bedtime." "Really?" I asked. "What? You don't want to cuddle?" "Oh, cuddling. Is that what we're doing?" I followed him underneath the covers even though I couldn't see a thing. All I could feel was how warm his body was right beside mine and shudder when he pulled me close to him. "Nix... Fuck. I'm sorry. I feel like I'm fucking everything up for you." "What do you mean? It's not your fault." "I don't know... I might have said something that set Riley off long before any of this bullshit started happening." Pulling away slightly, I pressed him. "What did you say to him?" He sighed and I could tell by his tone that it was something he had hoped he would never have to tell me. Alas, there he was, trying to conduct the silence for a little bit longer before having to spill the news. "When we first started at the shop, Riley talked to me about you. Asked me if I knew if you were single or whatever. I kind of just laughed though because I thought he was joking. Like, why would a manager ask an employee questions like that? I made the mistake of telling him that the chances of you liking me were way higher than his chances with you. I was just being a dick. But I think he took it a little far." "Oh, please, do go on," I said sarcastically. "Honestly, it was before I really knew you and I was just joking with him. He was all offended that I said you would like me more. Then when you actually did start to, you know, act like you were interested it just got worse. He challenged me almost. Like it was a fucking dual or something." "I'm a conquest for you two?" Valter's grip on me tightened. "Hell no! A couple weeks went by and everything seemed okay until we... Well, until we kissed. But I wasn't going to tell him a thing. Not like I need to rub it in his face. I'm not like that." "But you DID win the game, huh?" "Nix... I know you're not a game. You're not a prize to be won. I wasn't in some stupid unspoken battle to win you over. Shit just happened naturally. You're hot... Of course, I wanted to flirt with you. Even if Riley didn't say anything about having the hots for you I still would have given it a shot." "Well, I appreciate your honesty, I guess, but now I've found myself in the most awkward mess imaginable." "You know how to solve that?" He asked. "How?" "Letting me kiss you... Letting me touch you." "Sounds like the opposite of what will make my situation less... Weird." "Hey, you're already here and... Not to be crass but... I'm already hard." "You're very presumptuous, aren't you?" I laughed. "What, you're not wet? You don't want to play with me?" I couldn't think of anything snarky to fire back at him so he punctuated the end of the conversation by kissing me. We melted into each other and the sounds of our lips connecting and peeling apart was a saliva-coated deluge of sound and stimulation. With senses heightened, everything about him became more potent. His smell, the feeling of his hands stroking down my body to push up underneath my clothes, the small moans behind his breaths when he pulled back for air- every little thing he did rang bells inside of me that reverberated down my spine and settled warmly in my pelvis. Valter's fingers disappeared down the back of my pants so he could feel the fabric of my panties. "Take these off. Take your clothes off." He impatiently helped me yank down my pants and remove my shirt so he could resume touching my body unhindered by more materials than necessary. His clothes were quick to be discarded as well and when he settled back into the mattress beside me his right hand snuck right up between my thighs with zero hesitation. "Can I touch you, please? Yes... Spread your legs for me," he whispered, humming happily when I parted my knees to allow him the access he craved. The tips of two long fingers gently stroked up and down my slit, never pushing in too far until he spread the juice of my arousal all around and up and down. In the dark, I heard him suck on those same fingers and moan gently as my flavor danced on his tongue. Drawing in a deep breath through his nose, he found my lips again and kissed me as he shifted his body closer so our chests were pressed together. "You like hanging out with me, don't you?" "Keep playing with me like that and you might not ever be able to get rid of me," I breathed. "Oh? You want me to stop? Because I can stop. I can stop making these nice little circles around your clit. That's okay." "Don't you dare stop," I adjured him and he listened right away. With his forehead pressed to mine, we shared each other's breath and he worked his fingertips over my sweetest most sensitive spot until I was shuddering and clutching his shoulders. "Tell me when you're close, okay?" "I am. Valter, I am." "Good. Turn around," he told me, leaving me to whine for his touch when he pulled away. "Go on, turn around." My obedience only came as quickly as it did because I didn't want to be without his touch for too long. When I rolled over to face away from him his hand slid down my thigh again and lifted my leg up to pull it back over his hip. "I want to fuck you and feel that pussy squeeze around my cock when I make you come for me," he managed to give his filthy words an innocence that was as delightful as it was alarming. From the angle he entered me on, I couldn't help but moan as the entirety of his hard length slid deliciously up against my augmented g-spot. The words, his breath in my ear, the fresh boyish smell of his sheets, the way he forced his arm underneath me so he could squeeze my breasts as he toyed with my clit was all too much stimulation and I made it known by moaning louder until he had to quiet me down. "Sh, quiet, quiet. I don't live alone as you do. I know you want to scream." "M'sorry," I shuddered. "It's okay, just come for me. Yeah... Come for me. Come on my dick. Make it all nice and messy for me." I never planned on having deep, passionate sex with the lights off in Valter's bedroom but when he whispered to me that he couldn't come until he felt me coming first, I smiled and thought that maybe it was okay to allow myself to be desperate in front of him just this once. After the night's traumatic events, being wrapped up in his arms while he fucked into me from behind, hushing my groans of ecstasy while simultaneously encouraging me to flood his cock with my juices, it was welcome and I almost forgot about the minefield we were about to step into together. Almost.

[ur-mom-kayn]

Loyalty Chapter one: The first encounter

Hey Guys,

in the German community, I have written a Kayn and Zed fanfiction. I translated the story with google translator and Grammarly. So if there are some mistakes than blame the translator app ^_^ The Story begins with their first encounter. Later on, Kayn will be an adult, but the Story starts with the 10-year-old Kayn. The history contains a lot of time skips. I hope you enjoy the story ^_^

.................................

Kayn Pov Pain, nothing but pain, enveloped his tired bones. But he was not allowed to go limp now. The bloodbath was far from over. The more his opponents butchered the other children, the less they hesitated to attack one. Most, however, fled. An advance guard occupied with children. Something like that could only occur to the rulers of Noxus. Kayn hated them. He did not understand why he was fighting at all. Ultimately just to survive. His will was stronger than the fate that was imposed on him. As an orphan, you automatically came to a barracks. No one cared about the life of a lost child. Kayn bowed to his fate and trained harder than anyone else. Most people lost their will to live when entering the barracks. He does not. Kayn fought his way through the hunters and farmers. Not so easy with a heavy sword. Even if he had no problem with the handling, this was too difficult. If he did not want to die, he needed another weapon. Whatever, the main thing was that he could keep it. And there was a glittering metallic blade. A sickle of a fallen pawn. He threw away his sword and reached for the sickle. With her, he slaughtered several men. His whole body was burning with anger. Against the system, against his destiny and above all against Noxus. The Noxians left the battlefield and left the boy alone. The sickle had broken in the meantime and he had no more weapons left. He had multiple cuts and was unable to move. He could be so strong, at the end of the day he was a boy with the body of a 10-year-old. It was a miracle that he could keep up with the adults, but the more blood flowed, the sooner the consciousness was lost. He stumbled until he finally fell to his knees and breathed heavily. Far and wide was no comrade who could defend him. He never counted on support anyway. He was fucked. Breathing heavily, he looked up as a shadow formed in front of him. In front of him stood a man in Ionian clothing and a metal mask. His eyes sparkled with fire and he handed him his hand, with a blade on it. Kayn was finished, yet he fished the broken sickle out of the mud and aimed it at the man. He thought it was over, but then the man spoke in front of him. "Do not worry, I'm not here to kill you. I am the leader of the Order of the Shadow. From now on you will serve me and only me. Understood? "Kayn could not believe his ears. Someone came to rescue him. He could hardly believe his luck. With his last strength he tried to shake his hand, but then his face went black and he fainted. ... When Kayn woke up, his head felt heavy. All his adrenaline was gone, so he felt his injuries all the more intense. When he opened his eyes, he noticed that he was in a bedroom. Even a relatively large one for his circumstances. He was not used to more than a tight loft bed with 20 other children in one room. And now he lay in a wide four-poster bed, covered with several blankets. His body was bandaged and half taped. What had happened? And then he remembered the man he'd met just before he fainted. He was talking a bit about being a leader and Kayn was just serving him. He did not understand all that, but he soon hoped for an explanation. Just when he wanted to straighten up in bed, he was already stopped. "Lie down. You're still chipped, kid. "Kayn started when he realized he was not alone in the room. The leader of the Order sat on a chair beside the bed, staring at him through his mask. Kayn wanted no stress and lay back as ordered. "Good boy. Say, kid, what is your name? " " Shieda Kayn. But Kayn is quite enough." The man leaned forward from his chair and handed Kayn his hand. This time without dangerous blades. As far as the younger man was allowed, he handed his hand to the man and shook it. "I'm glad Kayn. I am Zed. Your Master Zed. "

Somehow the youngster was getting goosebumps. He spoke so diabolically and with malicious intent. However, that did not bother him. On the contrary. He was quite intoxicated by his presence. Inevitably, he wanted to know who really hid behind the mask. But he could do away with that. No one wore a mask for no reason. Still, he needed more information about his new master. "Where am I Master Zed and, above all, why?" The younger one asked. Zed leaned back on the chair and probably looked over at him amused. It was an impossibility to read out his emotions. "You are in my temple. I brought you here and had you cared for. The doctors believe that you need one more week of bed rest. Of course, I will give you that week, but after that, I want to see what you have on it. I took you with me because I saw an expression in your eyes that fascinated me. You survived on the battlefield for a very long time. A real miracle if you ask me. Tell me, how old are you, child? " "10.", Kayn answered curtly. Slowly he understood the intentions of his counterpart. He was nothing but a weapon that was brought from one force to the next. Normally he would be upset about that, but the darkness that enveloped his master fascinated him. "Ehm, is the Order of the Shadow an Ionian force and are you fighting against Noxus?" "We ... do not talk about you. You are part of us now. Forget that you were a Noxian. That is the past. We do not belong to the main power of Ionia. We are a split-off clan who had formed a few years ago. In plain terms, we have some stress with other clans, but we still defend Ionia from Noxus and other idiots who want to get in our way. We serve the shadow, which is why many are afraid of us. Do you have a problem with the darkness? " That was a very strange question for Kayn. Afraid of darkness? Not with him. "No. I love the darkness. Often I hide behind my hair, so I can be alone with the darkness." Speaking of. Kayn noticed that his hair stood open rather than tied to a plaited braid. Yes, nice shit. Now he could comb that shit half the day. "Understand little ones. I think you are right here. Well, I'll get away now. An acolyte will come and bring you food and drink. The room has a bathroom next door if you need to go to the bathroom. Try to avoid a lot of movement. A paramedic will occasionally look for you. See you in a week. Otherwise, my side cannot say more, except welcome. " "Thank you Master Zed. But before you go. Would you still have a crest and a hair tie for me? "At this question, his new master had to laugh. It sounds just as bad as amused. Who would have seen such a question coming? Kayn was not annoyed but somehow was happy. Zed seemed like a funny guy. At least for people like Kayn, who could even think of killing. "Can be set up.", He answered before he left the room finally. Zed Pov The little boy finished him with his jokes. Still, he had to admit that he felt more sympathy for the boy than anyone else. Because of this, he made sure that he was taken care of. He was not a nurse and he was not interested in sitting in a chair and talking to him all day long. He should sleep better anyway so that his body regenerates faster. At the end of the day, he should be a functioning soldier. Even though he never saw him fight, he felt a lot of potential in the boy. He hoped that he was not another disappointment. A week later, Zed visited his new student so he could throw his workout clothes to his feet. Kayn looked much fitter and rested. He had plaited his hair into a braid like he had in their first encounter. Probably more comfortable to wear. As promised, he made sure he got his crest. His acolytes stared at him in surprise as he asked for a comb. He was a bit embarrassed, but if Kayn was happy, why not? His student received him with a warm smile. A little too warm for his taste. Apparently, he had hit the boy with a wound point. He got used to his new master too fast. Maybe that was also an advantage. "Kayn put this on. Once you're done, it's time for training. "The boy nodded and spoke. "Yes, Master Zed." He reached for the clothes and quickly changed. Slowly but surely, he took pleasure in his obedience. Together they entered the training room, where already his other students in Kayn's age waited. They sat on their knees and leaned forward to greet synchronously their master Zed. "This is the newcomer here. His name is Shieda Kayn. But Kayn is enough. I want to test his power today so I know where to put it. Lee, please come forward and fight the first fight with Kayn. "As he was ordered, he got up and reached for a bamboo sword. Reluctantly Kayn went to the weapons selection and let his eyes wander around. "Its something wrong, Kayn? Do you really need a sickle? " "No Master, that's not it. I just can not decide." "Then take the bamboo sword. Then you have a Mirror match. " "How boring, "the younger one replied. He also reached for the sword and faced Lee. His opponent was a mediocre fighter. So not too difficult, but not too easy. First, he looked at his opponent before he took a fight position. Unusually, his posture, that of fencing, had an effect. Legs apart left hand behind the back and the sword forward in the pistol grip. Lee was perplexed but attacked him anyway. Kayn parried every attack and waited until his opponent offered him his hole in his defense. As soon as that happened, he enclosed his sword with that of the attacker and disarmed him. Kayn kicked him in the back of his knees and held his sword to his throat to show he had won the fight. The fight did not go for a minute. Zed was very impressed by him, but luckily that could be luck. "Okay, Lee. Go back and Han will come forward." His new opponent was the best of the younger ones between 8-13 years old. If Kayn would grab him with ease, Zed would be really impressed. His counterpart was much bigger and more muscular. A really tough chunk. With him, however, Kayn took no combat position. "Hey Newcomer, what are you doing?" Han provoked. "You will notice if you attack me, big boy." That seemed to upset

him, for that he ran full speed towards him. He removed the sword from his shoulder and aimed the younger directly at his neck. If the attack went through, then he would be fucked. But Kayn did nothing. He just stood there until Han got dangerously close. Immediately, the younger one ducked, grabbed Han by his thighs and threw him up in his jerk, causing him to land on his back with a forward flip. Without hesitating, Kayn scratched him with the bamboo sword over his throat a scratch. If the fight were under real circumstances, he would be dead now. Kayn was not to be underestimated. Not only he did know how to run his weapon, he could also quickly analyze his opponents and eliminate them according to conditions. Zed was glad that he had not been wrong about the boy. Kayn was dangerous. A weapon that only he could claim for himself. He just had to work on his mind. His body would steel itself with age and regular exercise. But Zed quickly realized that the boy had no idea about meditation. He looked arrogant and overweening in the fight. His smile was enveloped in wickedness. In itself nothing bad, but after arrogance comes superiority and then the rapid death. He did not want to lose Kayn for such stupid things. "Kayn come with me." His student returned the sword and followed his master. "Did I do something wrong, Master?" "No, my boy. But we do not only train our bodies here but also our minds. It's no secret that you are talented, but I think you have not combined your mind with your body. "Kayn looked skeptically at his master as they strolled down the hall. "I've shown that I'm clever, right?" "It has nothing to do with that. It's about your feelings. They interfere in the fight. If you let anger or arrogance guide you, you're just digging your own grave. Learn to find your inner peace. " Together, they entered a meditation room. Zed lit a candle in the middle of the room and sat down in front of it. Everything else was wrapped in darkness. Kayn seemed to feel comfortable here. He sat down by himself cross-legged against his master. Between them stood only the candle. "Okay, try to control your breathing and relax. The goal is to get into a trance state where you still have control over yourself. " " That's absurd. I do not believe in stuff like that. Master, please give me a motivation why it's really important to be able to do that. "He had delivered one, but that was not enough. Then he had to drive up the heavy weapons. Zed split into another two shadows that took shape. The younger man gazed in astonishment at his shadows, which mimic his movements. "Those I feel ready for the training may train with a chest that gives incredible powers. I became a master of the shadows. I can not tell you what will be revealed to you. But I assure you, if you can not meditate, then I will not initiate you. Darkness will devour you and make you a monster if you are unable to control your mind. Did we understand each other Kayn? "  " How cool is that? Are they also manifested?" The boy beamed from his eyes. He showed no fear to his shadow. Instead, he tried to touch them. In vain. He reached through the shadow. "They can touch you, but not the other way around. Is a little complicated. But I hope you understood the seriousness of the situation. I teach you the art of shadows, but not until you're in control. " " Yes, my master." Kayn answered euphorically. He immediately sat back down in his seat, closed his eyes and began to breathe regularly. Suddenly he took the matter seriously. In the end, he was just an easily manipulated child. Even if he spoke the truth. His student concentrated. He seemed to have stepped away. Zed was always impressed by him. He learned fast. Way too fast. That he would not surpass him someday.

...........................

I hope you liked the first chapter :3 If questions have arisen then ask ^_^

[phoorn]

Let me complain about Meson

About Hobbits

Meson’s a build system. Or possibly Ninja, Meson’s backend, is a build system. Let’s just say the whole thing is.

It’s an alternative to CMake, which is an alternative to the Autotools, which is a way to write makefiles that work on various systems for fewer pints of blood and sweat. And makefiles are basically recipes, a convenient way to run shell commands that (most commonly) translate your source code into a binary that your computer can run.

When I first used Meson I went, “Wow”. I was thrilled. I’ve never got my head around makefiles, I think because – well, I’m always saying I’m stupid, so this time I’ll say – I’m lazy. Makefiles aren’t complicated at their core. I think what’s confusing is the many shortcuts you can take with them. Many shortcuts make things hard to learn. You can’t see the wood for the trees. And cruft.

If I do one day finally learn Make, I’ll deliberately restrict myself to the old, more verbose syntax. This general approach is what everyone should take whenever they learn something. Start with the scales (music analogy). I’m a guitarist and I’ve hardly bothered. They’re boring. And you think (’cause you’re arrogant) other people need to start with the scales, OK – and there’s nothing wrong with being dumb! – but me …

Lots of us are like this. We think we understand enough or at least trust our perception of our own intelligence – and rush ahead. When people ask other people how to make computer games they get told to make Pong. “Actually, sorry, no,” says OP, “I’m making an open-world simulation CRPG, thanks. Yes, I know it’ll take me a while.”

You’ve got to make Pong. I’m thirty-six and I’ve known this for years. And yet the game I’m writing is a Zelda clone. However, I have paid my dues, having written approximately 1,00,000 command-line programs.

The problem with bells-and-whistles, do-everything-for-you things (like Meson) is what do you do when you can’t get it to do the thing you you need it to do? Look in its documentation. Or possibly the documentation for one of the many programs/libraries/framewords/apis it uses. And when you do, you find (tenuous metaphor) they’re talking Mario and GTA and the Elder Scrolls and you don’t understand, because you didn’t make Pong.

They don’t want you to make Pong. “Try our system/framework/platform. It’s got x and y and you’ll love it! You’ll never have to bother with all those low-level things again.”

Tom Waits can explain it better.

And you end up dumb as a brick. A user instead of wizard you deserve to be. They took your magic wand.

So why am I ranting away about this? As any mediocre scriptwriter will be able to guess, there has been an inciting incident. I am incited, and an incident is responsible.

Basically, I was playing with Zig 1. No one’s written a Syntastic (Vim linting plugin) checker for it, but there is a Zig language server. So I got rid of Syntastic and got ALE (Asynchronous Language … ?), which does the same job as Syntastic, but asynchronously and with LSP support.

LSP – Language Server Protocol – is a Microsoft thing. A good thing, a way for any editor to offer lots of IDE-like things. We could always do those things, with various tools like Ctags but this does it better. Because it makes use of your actual compiler or interpreter’s output.

Getting it set up’s not easy, though, though it worked for me first try this time. A testament to how much I’ve learned? Maybe, but ALE knew where to look for the compile_commands.json and Meson stuck it in the right place.

I always make an effort to properly introduce technical things I talk about, for the sake of the fictional layperson. I, for one, get bored and stop listening to things I don’t understand. But it’s hard, and I’ve failed here before even getting to my point.

Which is systems like Meson are shit. I’ll keep using it, though. I won’t write Pong, and I won’t use Cmake.

The reason it’s shit is I’ve spent five hours trying to silence a clangd warning. clangd’s the name of a language server. For C and C++. At some point today I completely forgot about Zig.

I use gcc to compile my C programs, and too eagerly use gcc extensions. The language server stuff is all to do with clang. So, though I’m compiling with gcc, clang is being used to LINT 2 my C program.

This should be fine. clang claims to be a drop-in replacement for gcc. But it’s not.

Tom Bombadil

I like gcc’s “-fms-extensions” flag. That lets you include structs that have already been defined as anonymous members of another struct.

struct apple { char *name; }; struct orange { struct apple; };

It’s -fms-extensions that permits the nameless struct apple inside the struct orange. Normally you’ve have to give it a name, like:

struct orange { struct apple apple; };

And refer to it like orange.apple.name = "Frederick". -fms-extensions lets you do orange.name = "Frederick".

It’s just nice. I’ll show you another trick, while I’m on the subject.

It fixes the only downside of this approach, which is that now you can’t refer to the member struct as itself: it doesn’t have name. But!

struct orange { union { struct apple; struct apple apple; }; }

Now you are eating your cake in addition to having it. You can now refer to apple’s members without saying apple’s name. And you can pass just the apple to functions that expect one. By writing orange.apple.

One last thing on this topic. Even without -fms-extensions you can mostly do this. You can define anonymous structs, anonymous unions. You just can’t define a struct outside and then use it inside without its name. You can do this:

struct fruit { char *name; union { struct { float sourness; }; // oranges struct { float crunchiness; }; // apples } }

The Barrow Downs

Right now I’d rather know the language of Make. I would have silenced that warning in a jiffy. I’d be rich by now, the time I saved.

It’s swings and roundabouts. I’m obsessed with this idea. There’s no such thing as a free lunch. Programmers (and maybe writers) know this better than anyone.

You do this really awesome thing in an effort to make your program or story better. And it takes ages. And when you’re done you have …

Oh, sometimes you’ll have more flexible code, or more robust code, or faster or more memory-efficient code. But you’ve sacrificed something. Readability, perhaps. Speed. Whatever. It’s gone and there’s no fucking way you’re going back over it again. You’re stuck with it. You’ll defend your decision to the death. You bled for it.

Meson’s big selling-point is it just works. Oh, it’s worth it. I said it was shit earlier – that was a lie. But I’m still mad it took me ages to fix my linter problem.

Hey, Wait, We’re in Mordor?

I’ve got a new complaint.

When I first started programming, I used Visual Studio and Windows. I remember how hard it was for me to compile my first program, which was probably an SDL example. Probably there was Hello, World before that.

Someone said somewhere the hardest thing you’ll ever do in programming is compile your first program. And, oh, I agree. Because there’s all this stuff to learn.

I buggered off to Linux, partly because I’d come to realise if you want to program, particularly in C, it was the place to be. A lot of programming in Windows and Mac is programming in Linux. Users of those OSes use virtual machines, compatibility layers and servers to do it. They have, I am sure, mighty brains, because it’s one thing to compile a program, and quite another cross-compile it, or do it in a VM or container, or do it on the web somehow.

What I didn’t like about Visual Studio was simple: you gave the compiler and linker and build system options by filling out textboxes and picking from menus.

I roared, “But how does it work?”

I felt strongly that Visual Studio’s friendly user interface was obscuring the reality of what I was doing. Now it blindingly obvious to me it’s turning all those textboxes, checkboxes into a commandline, which it’ll fire at the compiler. But I didn’t then.

Meson gives me a strong whiff of that. Look.

add_global_arguments ('-fms-extensions', language: 'c') add_global_arguments ('-Wno-microsoft', language: 'c') m_dep = cc.find_library ('m', required : true) sdl2_dep = cc.find_library ('SDL2', required : true) sdl2_image_dep = cc.find_library ('SDL2_image', required : true) sdl2_ttf_dep = cc.find_library ('SDL2_ttf', required : true)

These are just commandline flags. Meson is taking these strings you give it – “SDL2”, “-fms-extensions”, etc – and appending it to a call to gcc. The cc.find_library function is calling something like pkg-config or cmake. Is all this stuff really better than:

gcc -ggdb3 -Wall src/* -fms-extensions -Wno-microsoft \ -o build/whatever -l -lm \ $(pkg-config sdl2 --cflags --libs) \ $(pkg-config sdl2_ttf --cflags --libs) \ $(pkg-config sdl2_image --cflags --libs) \

Maybe so.

In summary, I could have solved this Meson/LSP/ALE/Vim thing in five seconds flat if I’d written a makefile (or, frankly, since my project is hardly huge, a shell script). But I won’t start writing Makefiles any time soon. I reserve the right to complain about it in the future, though.

a language I definitely approve of, that’s packed good ideas and things done right, that I probably won’t use, because already know how to do the things it tries to solve, and learning new languages makes me feel like a toddler or an old man. Maybe one day! But it’s new, too, and if there’s one solid lesson I’ve learned in my years using Linux and programming it’s don’t use new things. Use old and safely dead things, expecially those whose undead life is regulated by crusty old men and women. Because there’s documentation! And they’re getting round to implementing those features you envy. They’ll get there. And in the meantime, well, you can do it gcc already.↩︎

A linter is a program that looks at your code and points out some kind of problem. Some show syntax errors, some tell you that it doesn’t like your coding style. Some just annoy the shit out of you and you don’t know how to shut them up.↩︎

[hollywayblog]

Inspiration and Absorption: The Elusive Input-Output Balance

Ever since I learned how to work, I’ve been a workaholic. Oh how I love the feeling of getting under the covers at night and knowing in your bones that you have earned that good night’s sleep. But beyond that, I love my work. Because I love art. I love stories.

The thing is, that love of stories can sometimes get in the way of writing them, because if there’s anything that can steal my passion for the book I’m writing, it’s the book I’m reading.

Anyone who has ever lost themselves to a book knows what I’m talking about. Every so often we come across a story that just captures our imagination and holds on for dear life. It’s all you can think about, and it’s all you want to talk about. The characters take on a life of their own. You want to inhale the entire story but simultaneously dread getting to the end. And when it does end, you feel like you’ve left a chunk of your soul in those tear-stained pages.

This is, to me, one of the most precious experiences we have as humans. And to be honest, the miracle of reading itself never ceases to amaze me. You understand these symbols I’m typing and that’s fucking insane. So the fact that they can do so much more than be understood... The fact that they can make one think or laugh or cry... The fact that ink on paper can make one’s heart race... I don’t ever want to take that for granted.

But here’s the dilemma: as a writer, it is important to read. And it is important to read things that interest you, inspire you and excite you. Reading good writing is one of the best ways to become a better writer yourself. But sometimes a book comes along that is so good it pushes the stories you’re trying to tell clear out of your brain.

I’ve been working on draft two of my novel Baby Teeth for a couple months now. It’s only draft two, so my characters are still forming and my story is still in the process of revealing itself to me. I’ll have to go through several more drafts before I can see it all clearly. And that doesn’t mean I don’t love it, but it’s delicate. It’s a tender lil sprout that I’m gently guiding in the knowledge that one day I’ll be able to see all it’s branches in full. Couple that with the legendary novel fatigue (becoming bored with the story you’re telling, usually exacerbated by becoming excited by a fresh idea) that almost all novelists experience and I was ripe for distraction. All I needed was a good book... Perhaps a trilogy?

Late last year I read The Farseer Trilogy. Actually no, I devoured it. At the time I wasn’t working on a novel but on various smaller projects. It was the period between publishing my book of poems Crying on My Birthday and beginning NaNoWriMo, during which I would write draft one of Baby Teeth. So there was no harm in spending a good amount of time reading. And I did.

I thoroughly enjoyed book one, and by book two I was completely obsessed. But once I was finished the trilogy I made the - honestly wise - decision not to read the next one (there are three separate Fitz trilogies) yet as I was about to start writing my own novel and didn’t want my attention divided. It wasn’t too painful to wait since each trilogy is essentially self-contained and there were no cliffhangers left to resolve.

So I got to work on my novel, finished draft one and read a bunch of standalone books in the meantime, and to be honest most of them were mediocre. And I think because a few months and a few books had passed since I had finished Assassin’s Quest, I had forgotten just how addictive those books were. I didn’t think about the fact that I was working on draft two of my book. I didn’t think about the fact that I was about to start my 1kADay Challenge. I didn’t think about the whole reason I didn’t continue the series back then. I honestly was just fed up with ‘meh’ books and wanted to read something that I just knew I would enjoy.

But I don’t think enjoy is the right word for my experience of these books.

The second I opened Fool’s Errand (Book One of the Tawny Man Trilogy), I was overwhelmed by this feeling of comfort and familiarity. All the feelings the original trilogy had brought out in me came rushing back in, and this time they were even more intense. And soon that sense of comfort was overtaken by the tension of a new and exciting plot. There were times reading these books when I actually felt like I was going to have a damn heart attack - and those weren’t even the action scenes. The characters became so real to me that the interpersonal dramatics were more significant to me than any fight scene.

None of this is new to me. I had a Nimbus 2000, man; I’m no stranger to the heady magic of fiction.

But the last time I was this immersed in a series must have been 2015 or so, when I finished A Song of Ice and Fire. I’ve always written, but I’ve only been working full time as a writer since the end of 2016. I’ve never had to balance this overwhelming addiction to a fictional world while simultaneously trying to create my own.

At least, not to this extent. I have had tastes of it while reading magnificent standalone novels. I have known the struggle of wanting only to read. And also the struggle of being so inspired by a piece of work while simultaneously feeling dwarfed by its greatness. How could I ever make my cult-centred novel as profoundly terrifying as Orwell’s 1984? How could my prose ever reach the realm of dizzying beauty that Nabokov achieves in Lolita? And how can I tear myself away from these sickening, incredible stories for long enough to even try?

Let me say now that I do manage. It’s not that I give up on life and stay in bed all day reading when this strikes me. Life goes on. I get my 1,000 word minimum done every day. And when it’s a standalone novel it’s not such a big deal. You can spend the few days to a week it takes you to finish it feeling less thrilled than usual about your own work and it won’t hurt you. But there are nine huge novels in Fitz’s story. That’s weeks of absorption, if not months. And while I can still get my writing done in the meantime, a story that consuming can make you feel almost as if it’s the only story worth telling. Which is stupid. Which is why I keep writing regardless. But the fact is I just don’t think it’s possible to maintain an obsession with a story you’re consuming and a story you’re writing.

And maybe it doesn’t matter when all is said and done. As long as you can focus on your writing while you’re doing it, does it matter if you spend the rest of your time obsessing over someone else’s?

I think perhaps it’s not so important in the early drafts. But when I am in the process of actually writing the story as it is finally, forever meant to be, then I may have to go on a book fast until it’s done.

And as someone who creates in many mediums, I know this is a common problem. You can fall so hard for a piece of art that for a time it almost feels like... This is The Perfect Thing. Why would anyone bother to make anything else? Or maybe there’s the feeling of, Why am I writing a sci-fi novel? Clearly I should be writing a fantasy series!

It’s times like these when I understand fan fiction very well. That temptation to create within the confines of somebody else’s world is not so damaging to some. If you’re not interested in making worlds of your own then it is just a fun, indulgent creative exercise. But when you’re an artist with your own stories to tell, that obsession can be a slippery slope.

And yet, we artists also need that. How can I write a story that captures people’s imaginations in such a way if I’ve never experienced it? How can I tell a page-turning story if I’ve never read one? And how can I create compelling characters - something dearly important to me - if I don’t know how it feels for a character to climb out of the page and into your life?

To be honest, I don’t have the answers. Like all things in life, there is a balance to this, both necessary and elusive. I’d like to hope one day I’ll find it.

I’m extremely curious to hear your thoughts on this! Have you read a series lately that held you prisoner until you finished it? Or maybe even a TV series (I haven’t watched a good series in a very long time so I’m safe from this at the moment)? How has it interfered with your writing? Do you have a strategy or are you as lost as I am? Let me know!

Psst! Did you know I have a writing group that not only hosts the 1kADay Challenge throughout April but also runs throughout the year to provide support, inspiration and motivation for all kinds of writers? Request to join here!

[omegatheunknown]

...In which I thoroughly (yet naively) survey Metallica.

More than a month ago I finished reading Masters of Doom, which in addition to being an interesting history of PC Gaming’s pioneering id Software and stirring nostalgia about the halcyon days of 90s first-person shooters, made frequent and compelling reference to the influence of heavy metal on the aesthetic sensibilities of John Romero (though he’s ultimately more of a Dokken fan, which I can’t speak to.) Listening to the actual soundtracks of Doom, Doom II, Quake, Duke Nukem 3D led me straight into a curious survey of Megadeth, then Metallica, briefly Slayer, Anthrax, back to Metallica, Exodus, Sepultura, Suicidal Tendencies, Overkill, back to Megadeth and then back Metallica, over and over Metallica. I am listening to Metallica now. 

Can’t say I’m sure why. Without meaning to sound condescending, I’d always assumed if thrash metal appealed to me, it might have happened when I was a teenager. Perhaps environmental factors were at play, but at my most susceptible and angst filled years, the garage rock revival was in full swing, as was something of a (perceived? I will never know if this was a widespread thing. I wasn’t nearly as online then) grunge renaissance. Grunge was locked in as tonal and aesthetic sensibility and my friends’ bands were grungy pop punk with a bit of emo sprinkled on top. As I said, the questionable excesses of youth, complete with pretension about what is good (The Stooges, The Pixies, The Strokes and NIRVANA) and what is silly and ridiculous (Nu-Metal’s relative strength and the silliness of bands like Korn and Slipknot did not help Metal’s esteem.) A respect but low level of enthusiasm for Deep Purple, Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden didn’t manifest anything serious any time in the last fifteen years. Thrash’s underground roots put some doubt in the mind re: whatever vague supposition my teenaged peers and I had about the opposing forces of punk and metal (though I do remember actual arguments with a fan of what I described as ornate but soulless arpeggios who thought PJ Harvey’s oeuvre was unsophisticated and boring.) There’s a lot of grunge’s DNA in early Metallica. Which kind of makes it all the more bewildering that I haven’t been here before. All that wasted time listening to Mudhoney! Also, not to spoil the ending, how bewildering it is that Metallica absolutely fell to pieces in the 90s.    Kill ‘em All is a stupidly exciting record. Had I been around to hear it in the 80s, it would’ve melted my brain. I assume if I heard it in the 00s it would’ve done the same. I think part of the issue with Metallica is that when I was a precocious kid/tween they were not nearly at their best and the only second hand exposure you get to a well-established but no longer thriving band is their hits, and even post-survey I don’t particularly care for ‘One’ or ‘Enter Sandman.’ (Then again, at the height of Metallica v Napster you’d think young Zaq would’ve been a little more curious... and those mp3s would’ve be right there...) Anyway, Kill ‘em All: devastating and fun. Imagine if Mötley Crüe was ever any good (were they?) No, that’s insane. And gives a person very little to go on. High energy from the jump, utter shred. Reminiscent only of a slower, hopelessly outclassed version of the same thing, which is to say I think if you slowed a track like The Four Horsemen down you’d end up with a dreary sounding Sabbath number but why would you want that? (A different day perhaps.) Definitely the sexiest of the Metallica albums, just a little bit of the electricity of hair metal bleeding in at the edges, though the most wicked excesses are in flurries of virtuosity. “Bass solo, take one” -- much as I enjoy ‘Hit the Lights,’ ‘Jump in the Fire,’ ‘Seek & Destroy’ (and other imperative calls to action,) I think the bass solo ‘(Pulling Teeth)’ that splits the album is my favourite bit. Ride the Lightning -- actually, speaking of Cliff Burton, he of the improbable bass solos -- supposedly he planted the seeds of music theory/actually thinking about the music in his bandmates’ heads, leading to acoustic guitars, curious instrumentals and harmonies winding their way into the sophomore album. This probably also led them to getting way ahead of themselves and veering out of their lane, but in the meantime, Ride the Lightning is a lot more varied to listen to than their debut. Yes, it continues to wail, but it wails in new and exciting ways. ‘Creeping Death’ and ‘Trapped Under Ice’ are the choicest tracks. ‘Fade to Black’ is a pretty good song by the standards of a power ballad and is a nice dimension to add to the album but I’d point out that it portends Metallica’s inevitable doom.  Master of Puppets is considered (nearly anywhere I’ve looked) the undisputed champion of thrash metal albums. I would kinda love to have a dissenting opinion here, but it feels impossible to deny. It is stunningly heavy and loud and kinetic. It’s definitely a twin to its predecessor, they share a layout, right up to track 4 being a power ballad. As a set they’re the Pokemon Red/Blue of Thrash. Anything other than the subtle evolution in the playing and production would’ve been weird as hell -- album number three and they nearly perfect the genre. On the subject of Metallica’s power ballads, I’d make the point that ‘Welcome Home (Sanitarium)’ is the pinnacle of their efforts -- gorgeous and grotesque in equal measure. And like Ride the Lightning follows ‘Fade to Black’ with an extra-heavy track, ‘Sanitarium’ is followed by the vicious gatling gun of ‘Disposable Heroes,’ as emphatic an anti-war song as one could imagine. Again special mention to a Cliff Burton feature -- ‘Orion’ is an oddity in the Metallica canon, can’t imagine there’s anything else like it that I’ve missed. It’s the most appropriate space marine soundtrack I’ve ever heard, it previews a much nerdier version of Metallica that starts writing about horrors from outer space. My impression is that long after I’ve moved on to another passing phase I’ll retain a fondness for their instrumentals, all five of the main ones are excellent.   ...And Justice for All just isn’t as good as the previous two. This is becoming less about Metallica and more a tribute to Cliff Burton, but fact is -- his phenomenal bass lines are the secret sauce, and in the absence of Burton (and apparently due to Ulrich’s hearing loss?) the bass is often lost in the mix. It still wails, though relying more on arpeggios and prog-y tempo changes and layered arrangements -- with ‘loud’ as the governing principle in the mix, the instruments all have a bit of a unnatural synthetic quality, the effect is much more processed than the earlier albums and it occasionally sounds like a flat wall of sound... which is about to become a theme, oh boy. Though it does convincingly sound like a mutant off-shoot of the Ride the Lightning/Master of Puppets aesthetic, just a shaggier and excessive cousin prone to wild mood swings. Seven of the nine tracks are at least six and a half minutes long. At 9:48, ‘To Live is to Die’ is the first song in the catalogue that I would consider straight tedious (Though the title track is about the same length and it’s quite good!) At the end of the album, ‘Dyers Eve’ appears as a great redeemer, probably the best expression of what they were trying to do here. Oh yeah -- ‘One.’ Honestly it gets there. It’s a very pretty song. I think what I don’t like about the ballads is Hetfield’s voice when he’s singing (as opposed to when he’s growling, yelling, barking) may as well be someone trying to do a Brad Roberts impression. Though maybe that’s not the issue, I always enjoy The Crash Test Dummies. Metallica/Black Album. I don’t like this. Or, I don’t like it very much but I recognize it’s pretty good. Definitely has its moments (’Of Wolf and Man,’ ‘Through the Never.’) Seems like an odd stumbling block. This was a massive hit. ‘Enter Sandman’ is a classic rock song. Of sorts. It ain’t thrash, though it’s definitely still a heavy metal album in the vein of Black Sabbath and the like. Reading about the composition I understand they were tired of what they had been doing, they felt like impostors and wanted to strip it back some, and in that sense it’s an accomplishment. It’s dark and heavy and somber and pretty sad in parts. I feel like if Metallica had collapsed into the sea and never been found afterward/gone their separate ways this would’ve been an interesting finale, but as it stands, through the lens of history I have to reckon with the fact that this is the first of four albums produced by Bob Rock and it’s easily the best of them. It’s going to get worse before it gets... less worse. Which is not to say I don’t appreciate the orchestra and the cellos and a bit more variation in the compositions but... whither Thrash? ‘Holier Than Thou,’ silly as it is, captures a bit of the lost spirit, Maybe it’s exhausting to be that band for too long. It’s a perfectly natural thing to want to progress and not make the same album over and over again, but I can’t help but feel like they abandoned their perch atop a style where they were the greatest of all time to be (at first) a pretty good metal band and then a ‘hard rock’ band. This is Jordan switching to baseball and then for some reason trying ice hockey. I’m reasonably sure ‘Nothing Else Matters’ sucks pretty viciously, though Metallica writing a love song has a conceptual appeal and I could understand people liking it. Load. Gosh, what an appropriate title. I think if you asked Chad Kroeger what his favourite Metallica album is, he’d absolutely say Load. Metallica skipped over grunge and went straight to post-grunge. It’s also so long! There’s so much of this very mediocre album.  Reload. What the fuck is this. It starts off with the Soundgardenesque (well, Rusty Cage-esque) ‘Fuel’ with its fun but asinine chorus, it doesn’t do anything particularly interesting after. Just like its sibling, it’s almost eighty minutes long of sluggish, middle of the road 90s rock.  Garage, Inc is amazing by comparison to anything else put out by Metallica in the 90s. Two discs, the second compiling covers from as far back as 1984, 1987′s Garage Days EP and the b-side to some awful Load song that’s just four Mötörhead covers. ‘Whiskey in the Jar,’ of course, but also ‘Am I Evil?’ Sabbath’s ‘Sabbra Cadabra’ and an exuberant cover of Queen’s ‘Stone Cold Crazy.’ It’s not solid gold but there’s a lot of stuff to like. S&M (Symphony and Metallica, but... you know.) Definitely has it moments, particularly with the older stuff -- ‘Call of Ktulu,’ ‘Master of Puppets,’ ‘The Thing That Should Never Be’ with symphonic accompaniment is very cool.   St. Anger is the big ‘comeback’ album that came out when I was 15 and thus acutely aware of big music releases. I feel like I could’ve skipped the opening paragraphs of this essay and just written that as explanation of why I didn’t care about Metallica. I’m sure there was some good heavy metal happening around the turn of the century but at the time this was happening, Limp Bizkit, Saliva, Staind, Kid Rock, Godsmack, Sevendust, Slipknot, Drowning Pool, Korn, Trapt and Linkin Park (probably the best of the bunch? right?) were the biggest things in metal. Hence, in 2003 we are gifted... Nu Metallica. The title track is very bad. There are no guitar solos to be found. There aren’t any ballads to be found (that’s mostly fine.) I’ve done three tracks. I’m not listening to the rest of this. It’s just not worth it. Death Magnetic was a big surprise as a I soldiered on. Bob Rock is gone, Rick Rubin is in. Say what you will about Rubin (another time, perhaps) but for whatever reason, after a twenty year hiatus (1988-2008,) the thrash is back. I was beginning to grapple with the idea that Metallica had been past their prime my entire life, and while that’s still probably true, here they are at least dabbling with the style that made them such a big damned deal. Which is not to say this is an amazing album. It’s good though! But you can hear, even on the opening track, how exceedingly compressed the sound is. Everything is loud on this album! Without exception! All the time! It’s all peak! Consequently it’s a tiring thing to listen to all the way through. Apparently there are different versions available that turn down the mix a bit, but the Spotify version is evidently the original, as it is just a brutal onslaught of noise. It’s not a great album to sit through, but individual tracks are welcome. There’s even an instrumental for the first time since ...And Justice For All. Lulu (with Lou Reed) -- Laugh all you want, I don’t think this is as bad as Load and Reload. It’s really god damned weird, sure, and it’s not ‘good’ by any conception of (what is ‘the good,’ etc) but it’s at least interesting here and there.  Hardwired... to Self-Destruct suggests a certain inevitability to the path. With or without the play-acting in the 90s (Hetfield has speculated that Ulrich and Hammett were interested in being a U2-sized band complete with the frivolous and monolithic pretensions) they might have ended up here anyway, a bunch of dudes in their 50s making a heavy metal record that is doomed to be nowhere near as vital and electrifying as the groundbreaking stuff of their youth, but is practiced, professional and what the fans have come to expect. It’s pretty good, but there’s no chance it’s their best work. Read a review that called it their best work in 25 years, which is... damning with faint praise, but definitely true. Anyway they’re in the zone. ‘Moth Into Flame’ is a pretty good example of what we’re dealing with here -- thesis, antithesis, synthesis, in this case, arriving at ‘generic Metallica.’ If there’s more Metallica on the way it’ll be pretty much like this, chugging along like Springsteen or the Rolling Stones. It seems super unlikely they’ll ever surpass their first five albums, but I think that’s true of just about every band ever.  In conclusion, I’m not doing this same process for Megadeth. :P

[flexiblefish]

What do you hope Archie starts doing next?

Gosh, whatever it is, I hope it’s something else than the very mediocre Blindspot. I don’t know if The Jury will ever be unshelved – and tbh, it didn’t seem like it was gonna be a good show in the first place, so I won’t really mind if it never gets picked up. 

Even though my TGW buddies, tell me it’s as unlikely to happen as Diane snogging David Lee, I still hope Kalinda will make a guest appearance in The Good Fight. I KNOW, considering how she was treated on the TGW, it is very VERY unlikely, but let a girl dream, m’kay? 

I don’t know if she intends to continue Shetland, but since that was boring AF, I kinda hope not (and I’ve never seen Archie have less chemistry with a guy EVER, it was painful to watch.) 

I just really want her to get the lead role or be in another ensemble cast in a well written show, but she’s gonna need a lot of luck. 

Also, we have to face the harsh reality which is: 

Archie is a 44 woc, with rumors of a major set scandal following her like a bad smell. This is definitely not putting the odds in her favour. 

She’s by no mean an A lister, and at this stage I’m not even sure she’s B list either. She’s certainly way less “marketable” (I’m talking in marketing terms of “brand” here) than she was when she was at the height of her fame after she won her Emmy. She should have left TGW then, but she couldn’t because eh, contract. 

Her social media PR is non-existent. I mean, if it weren’t for the few of us, crazy fans,  who are still posting about her or Kalinda on Twitter to try at our very, very small scale to keep her in the public eye, she would have pretty much disappeared from Internet, apart for the odd Blindspot Instagram pic. Go ahead type her name in the Twitter search box. More than half the posts are either old quotes or links to old articles generated by spam accounts, and let’s not even talk about the pornbots using her name for click bait. 

She hasn’t posted anything in several weeks (equivalent to months in Internet Time) and when she does, she sticks to the bare minimum, like “my show is on tonight”. She doesn’t sell herself on social media (again, I meant this in marketing terms) she doesn’t take any stance on anything (apart from the Polio charity but that was ages ago). Ah, what I wouldn’t have given to see Archie in a Pussyhat), she replies to the odd praise, but compared to other celebs (her Blindspot colleagues are so much more web savvy on that front), she really doesn’t make herself visible on social media. Her website has been under construction for years too.

If she doesn’t care, and is happy with whatever little project comes her way, fine. But this is the woman who dreams of being the next James Bond FFS! So I’m not buying that she wants to remain in the shadows, with Kalinda as sole crowning glory. 

Not only that but when she is mentioned by the media these days, 8/10 it’s about her feud with JMargs. If she had a decent PR she would have done stuff to make people forget that, more photo-shoots, rescue kittens, fuck knows, but SOMETHING! 

If I sound frustrated it’s because I am, Archie is a talented actress who deserves so much better than a lame, badly written action show like Blindspot. 

Erm… sorry for the lengthy rant. So yeah, to sum up, I hope some good showrunner watches reruns of TGW and goes, “hey, I need her in my next show!” 

In the meantime, we’ll always have fanfic, the only place where Kalinda’s potential ever bloomed. :-)