#metal is fed up dude

[heartfullofleeches]

[Violence, Murder, Hints of Past Abuse but nothing mentioned in heavy detail]

AU with Human Rascal and Bunny Hybrid Creep Reader where Rascal is some freaky slasher dude who stalks and later kills Bunny Reader's previous, abusive owner. The violence enlivens the hopeless Bunny as they believed they'd always be under the watchful eye of their owner even if they escaped. Seeing their blood spill into the carpet and their fur gives them more of a rush than the treats their owner fed them to adapt better to their situation.

They ask Rascal politely if it will let them join him. Rascal doesn't really need a partner, but they have always wanted to pet. Bunny is cute enough, adorableness magnified by their red stained coat and the shine in their eyes when Rascal leaves them their knife. It isn't even a week until their new lives together before Rascal is developing a crush- Bunny is supposed to be their pet, they can't feel this way about them!

Since this is sorta a reversal of their roles, I'm kinda leaning towards Rascal having a more dominant role in their relationship - but Human or Rabbit Monster - Rascal is absolutely whipped for their darling and I can see Bunny gaining the upper hand simply because of how cute they are which fries Rascal's brain because it has never been admired by a cute person, but also the fact Reader might not want to be someone's pet after everything they've been through... So Rascal will just have to be theirs.

The gimp mask is a vital part of their character because I say so, so human Rascal is just a weird guy in bondage gear.

-

Is it really over?....

Crimson dye seeps into the curly fur of your bent legs, trickling through the bars of your enclosure. It all happened so fast- A broken window. Earth shattering footsteps thundering through the house. You think it came from the kitchen. Your owner had promised to bring you a snack not long before they ran into the bedroom, covered in small cuts with a busted lip to match. The light in their eyes as the knife shredded through their jugular faded so swiftly... As swift as the fear eating away at what's left of you vanished from your body.

It's over... Isn't it?

"Give it to me....."

Your fingertips itch- palms heavy yet empty at the same time. The knife... Yes, the knife! The intruder dropped it when they saw you cowering in your cage. It's impossible to make out their expression with that strange mask their wearing. You don't care. About them. About what happens next. Even if they kill you after- you have to make sure.

"Let me out. I need to make sure.. Make sure that they're gone. They'll never let me alone if I don't... The keys.. They should be in their pocket."

You'll rip them apart with your teeth if you have to. Your nail have been filed too short to use though. If you have the strength left, you'll make this stranger pay for taking this away from you. It should have been you who got the first stab- and the last. They didn't deserve to be the one who got to do them in. Hurry up. While that rotten excuse of a human being still has a pulse. So much has been taken from you already. They can't have this-

"Let me out! Let me out! LET. ME."

"Shhhh..."

The knife hits the bottom of your cage, cold blood splashing against your face as it lands. The allure is magnetic - your hands welded to its handle as the door of the metal prison creaks open. You wait no time, crawling out on your hands and knees into the light of their bedroom. The joints in your legs ache as though you've been stabbed with pins as you rise to your feet - body uplifted by a pair of arms before you collapse. A gentle squeeze steels your grip on the knife. The intruder guides your steps towards the limp husk of your owner, gingerly lowering you to your knees at their side.

They lift their hand to pat your ear, recoiling like a snake in the grass as you wince from the freshness of your stitches. You like to believe if they tried that again they'd be at the end of the knife, but you know they met well.

"Thank you....."

Blinking back tears, you face your former owner - silently praying for a just a little fight left in them as you raise the knife over your head.

[bettyfrommars]

Betty baby

how about a little one shot with Eddie and reader hooking up in readers car after a date 🥵

Ziggy my love, anything for you.

I did a lil twist on your request. I've been gone for a bit and this was the first thing I wrote when I got home yesterday, thank you for the much needed inspiration 🥹

Waste Away With Me

Eddie x older!fem!Reader

18+ONLY, smut, age gap, Eddie is in his early 20's and reader is in her early 30's, mutual pining, adoring!eddie, secret crush, friends to lovers, car sex, fingering, mutual masturbation, finger sucking, reader wears a skirt, well-timed but unfortunate Jimmy Buffet lyrics, reader is lonely and thinks she'll never find love. wc: 3.5k

--------

Eddie hadn’t meant to wait up for you to get back from a date with another guy like some lovesick dork, but it happened anyway.  

He was sitting on the couch in his trailer when he saw the headlights sift through the curtains and heard the gravel crunch under the wheels of your approach, settling in between your trailer and his.  

He tapped his cigarette into the full ashtray and looked at the clock; his heart fluttered in his chest, grateful that you were back earlier than expected.  Either the movie part of the dinner date had been skipped, or there had been little to no hanky-panky afterwards, and this fed into the delusion that he still had a chance with you.  

He waited impatiently to hear the clank of the heavy, metal door to your Buick LeSabre open and slam shut, hoping to hell you’d hadn’t brought this new guy home with you.  He could handle the thought of you going on a date with someone—barely—-but the possibility of you inviting someone back to your bed, or you getting serious about some other dude was too gut wrenching to bear.  

Don, your date’s name was Don, and when you’d told Eddie that he’d asked you out, Eddie wanted to show up at the fabrication shop where he found out Don worked and set his hair on fire.  

If the guy even had hair.  

You were maybe a decade older than Eddie, and Don was pushing 40, so maybe he was balding and hopefully you preferred long, shaggy hair and bangs that desperately needed a trim.  

What if Don made you laugh? The thought made Eddie scowl.  What if those adorable lines around your mouth made their appearance and you snorted a little bit all because of stupid Don? Eddie shot to his feet and went to the window.  

A good 10 minutes had passed, and he hadn’t heard you get out of your car, so he decided to take a peek through the side of the curtains.  What if Don was in the car with you, what then? What if he was kissing you? 

His stomach in knots, Eddie had to know, either way.

He experienced relief to find that you were, indeed, alone, but something else was wrong.  

Your hands were covering your face and your shoulders bobbed.  Your hands fell to your lap long enough for Eddie to see through the windshield that your mascara was running down your cheeks and your skin was wet with tears.

You fumbled with the single, pathetic, balled up tissue in your hands, as you sobbed.  The sobbing subsided for a few sniffles before there was another hitch in your chest and a whimper made you bury your face in your palms again.

But then a knuckle tap on your window made you jump.

Bent forward, with his face level to yours, Eddie was at the passenger side door, holding his hand up in greeting, lips folded in over his teeth into a pensive line.  As an answer to his silent ask, you moved your purse off the seat so that he could get in.  

You inhaled the warm, familiar scent of his Old Spice, nicotine, and leather.  There was an extra note of cologne on him that evening, as if he’d just sprayed something on before he came out.  

He saw you struggling to wipe your nose with that threadbare Kleenex and handed over the handkerchief from his back pocket.  

You held it out in front of you with pause, as if you were considering something.

“You can blow your nose on it, I don’t mind,” he said.  “In fact, it would be an honor.”

That elicited a snort-chuckle from you, and you did not blow your nose with it, but you did wipe snot off your lips and chin with a sad snarf.  

The inside of the car was dark, but for the yellow glow from the radio as Hold Me Now by the Thompson Twins played.  Eddie saw the familiar end of a cassette tape sticking out of the stereo as if it had just been ejected.  

“So, the mixtape I made for you was that bad, huh? Too many ballads?” As if to suggest  that his horrible taste was what made you bawl your eyes out.  

You let your head fall back against the seat.  “No, I love it,” you said, dry throat making your voice crack.  “It’s the only thing I’ve been listening to all week.”

“Really?” He said it too fast, he was too excited. When he gave it to you, he said it was “no big deal” and he’d been making them for all of his friends, but that was a big fat lie.  He’d spent weeks planning out which songs to add to it, and in what order they should go in, so that it all flowed and told a story.  

A story about a next door neighbor with a serious crush.  

You pushed the tape all the way in until it clicked and Send Me an Angel by Scorpions softly lit up the speakers.

One of Eddie’s favorite things about you was that you were normally just as chatty and weird as he was.  A couple times a week, he’d come up on your porch for a beer, or go inside to share a joint, and the two of you would talk passionately for hours about some real oddball shit.  You were excitable and goofy, just like him, and you’d recently confessed that you hadn’t felt this comfortable with someone in a very long time.  

He overheard you telling one of your friends the other day that he was “like a brother” to you, and nothing could’ve smashed his heart or his hopes harder.  Being referred to as a family member is sweet, but also suggests that you’ve entered strictly friendzone territory.  

“Doooo you want to talk about it?” He stammered, fiddling with the zipper on his jacket.  He’d be happy to just sit there and listen to music so you wouldn’t feel alone, if that is what you needed.  

“Not really,” you said in a small voice.  “I’m just never going on another date for the rest of my life, that’s all.”  

Eddie sat up and turned his whole body towards you, leather jacket squeaking on the seat, and made a fist on his knee.  “He didn’t…hurt you or anything, did he? If that Don guy said or did anything to make you upset I swear to god I will—”

“No, no, nothing like that,” you met Eddie’s gaze and were a bit taken aback at the intensity you found there.  “He was just so…boring, and we had nothing in common, and I felt so alone.”

Eddie sat back and swallowed.  A part of him wanted to kick up his heels and do a jig when you called Don boring, but the other part of him hurt to see you so sad.  

You sniffed and wiped under your eyes with his handkerchief.  “I’m the only one of my friends who’s still single, and I think I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I’m going to waste away in this trailer park and die alone.”

Eddie cocked his head, adding the touch of a smirk to his lips. “We can waste away together, here in Margaritaville.”

“You did not just quote Jimmy Buffet.”

“Oh, yes.  Yes, I did,” he bit his lip to hold back a smile. “Have you seen my lost shaker of salt, by chance?”

You stared down at your lap, indulging in a laugh or two before your expression turned somber again, forehead creasing.  “Why does everything have to be so hard? I thought finding true love was supposed to be easy, or at least easier than this nightmare of a reality I’m living in.”

“This is easy. We make sense,” is what Eddie wanted to say, but he choked and adjusted his feet on the floorboard instead.

You groaned and put your head back again, closing your eyes.  “I’ve been feeling so lonely lately, Eddie, like maybe I am the problem and I’m just unlovable.”

“Now that is crazy,” Eddie shifted closer, taking hold of your forearm to give it a squeeze.  He searched your profile, eyes landing on your parted lips.  “You’re so easy to love. I love—-”

My god, he really almost said it, out loud.

You turned  your head and opened  your eyes, waiting for him to finish.  

“...this song,” he recovered, turning the volume up a single notch. “I love this song.”  

It was Tangerine by Led Zeppelin.  

You closed your eyes again, feeling another tear building at the rim of your lashes.  

“But really,” he continued, shifting the volume down again.  “I mean, I get it, “he huffed air out of his nose and moved his hands around as he talked.  “Even when I’m with a bunch of people I still feel alone sometimes.  Like I’m the only person in the world who feels the way I do.”

“Yeah,” you gave a big sigh.  “Something like that.”

Another problem was that suddenly, almost overnight, you had developed feelings for your young, metalhead neighbor.  You pushed them down as much as you could and forced yourself to go on this date with Don to try and distract yourself from having sexual thoughts about a guy that was ten years your junior.  What would your friends think? A few of your friends were snobs, anyway, and expected you to marry a doctor, or at least an accountant; some stable man who could give you the picket fence dream.

But that was their dream, not yours.  

Besides that, Eddie had plenty of love interests.  You hadn’t seen him bring a date back to his trailer in months, but you’d been to one of his Corroded Coffin shows, and you saw the way the extremely cute college and high school girls looked at him.  

Eddie wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans.  “I know I don’t have to tell you how beautiful and smart and amazing you are.  I mean, I’m sure you already know that.”

“Do I?” You asked, earnestly.  “Do I already know it?”

“Well,” his eyes shifted, not sure where to land.  “You should, I mean, none of the women in this town could ever hold a candle to you.”

Yikes.

Speaking of candles, was he blowing it?  The way things were going, it was only a matter of seconds before he admitted to jerking off to thoughts of you every time he got in the shower.  

You were both facing each other with your temples on the headrests.  “It means a lot to me,” you couldn’t meet his eyes, so you stared at his adam’s apple.  “That  you think I’m beautiful and amazing.”

“I should tell you more often, then,” Eddie said softly, his heart racing.  “Because I mean it.”

You looked down at your lap and the way you were absently picking at the ends of his handkerchief.  “I wish I’d met someone like you when I was your age.”

The statement confused him a bit and he squinted. “Someone…like me?”

“Oh, you know,” you cleared your throat. “Someone I have a lot in common with, someone who makes me laugh,” you trailed off.  “Someone I’m really attracted to.”

Eddie froze.

No one moved or said anything for a full minute.

“You’re attracted to me?” His voice trembled.  

“Isn’t it obvious?” You gave a sharp, self-deprecating laugh. “Sometimes I’m sure the entire trailer park knows, and they're all judging me.”

The revelation made a little squeaky sound escape his throat.  “But you said I was like a brother to you?”

You gave a confused smile for a split second, wondering where he might’ve heard such a thing, and then recognition dawned.  “Oh, well I told my friend Judy that because I talk about you so much, I didn’t want her to think that…that you and I were…or that I was…”

“That you and I were what?”  Eddie’s ears were ringing, all kinds of hope bubbling in his chest.

You got quiet again, wondering how far you wanted to take this conversation.  

“Listen,” Eddie shifted to look at you with flushed cheeks.  “I might be reading all of these signals wrong, but I want to kiss you so bad right now, it’s fucking killing me–”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

And then you dove for each other and had a meeting of mouths that was all teeth and wrestling tongues.  Your seatbelt jerked you back, and you pulled away from him only to unbuckle it and throw it from your lap with a metal thump.  

You’d never experienced this before; it was less like being kissed and more like being devoured, all feverish sucks and nibbles and eager moans.  He held your face in his hands as you began to climb up and over to him.  “If this is a dream, I don’t want to wake up,” he hushed against your lips.

The seats in your ‘68 Buick were spacious, and once your knees were straddled on either side of him, you cupped your hands around his throat and said, “touch me Eddie.”

Eddie’s hands stopped in the air, unsure of where to go, but then intuition had him put them on the bare skin of your thighs under your skirt and move them up your panty line.  He brought a thumb down and passed it over the material, “you want me to touch you, like this?” As he said it, he found the top of your slit through your underwear and began pressing small circles there.

“Yesyesyes,” you pulled off of him just enough to meet his eyes.  His cock twitched at the way you bucked your hips in his lap, eager for his touch.  

“I love it when you look at me like that,” he breathed.

“Like what?” You slotted the side of your nose against his and brushed your lips together.

“Like I make you happy,” he punctuated it by dragging his thumb up and down in that concentrated area.  

You threw your head back, exposing your throat for him to lick a stripe up, sucking some skin in softly to nibble.

You were fully grinding on him as you found his mouth again with yours.  “I want…to make…you…happy…too,” you said between hot kisses.

His thumb smoothed down low enough to feel how much of your arousal had soaked through. “Honestly, sweetheart? I could die right now and be the happiest man alive.”

You could feel his cock grow thick and stiff in his denim as you rode him, and one of your hands went down there to fumble at the button and zipper on his jeans.

“I want to touch you,” your pussy actually rippled like a jellyfish climbing in the sea at the idea of having him inside of you. Once your thumb met with his leaky tip, you circled the head and Eddie groaned.

“Sit back for me,” he whispered.  With his thumb still working your clit, you let your back rest on the glovebox and watched him pull his impressive length out.  He kept his eyes on you, giving it a few short jerks while flicking his tongue out to wet his lips.

From that vantage, with your skirt up around your waist, he could see how damp the light purple of your panties were, and more milky liquid appeared at his tip.  You pulled down the straps of your dress and released your breasts from the cups of your bra.

“Oh my godddd,” Eddie’s thumb worked faster on you, trying not to stroke his cock the way he wanted to because he was about to cum.  “You’re so sexy, holy shit.”

You pushed off the dash and came closer, needing to be close to him.  With your arms around his neck, Eddie’s fingers bypassed the cotton barrier and sank into your slick honey pot with a hiss and a curse.  First one finger, and then two, and you reached down between the two of you to stroke him, making you both exchange moans of pleasure.

“Wait wait,” Eddie halted, continuing to thumb your spot. “I’m gonna cum like, right now.”

“That’s okay,” your hand stilled, but you bobbed up and down so that his fingers were fucking you.

“I can’t,” he gulped, breathlessly resting his forehead on yours. “Not before you.”

The thing about Eddie was that he could get hard again really fast for a second and third time, at least that’s how it was when he masturbated, but he wasn’t sure how to tell you that.  

You shifted back against the glove box again, pulling your underwear to the side so that he could watch his fingers go in and out of you.  You guided his hand out and brought his dripping fingers to your mouth to suck on them, loving the way his callouses felt on your tongue.

Eddie's eyes were locked on the action, muttering, “ohmygodohfuck.”

“Let’s do it together,” you breathed, biting your lip.  You brought your own fingers to your slit and began the same circles Eddie had done, speeding them up.  Eddie dipped his fingers inside of you again, scissoring them, picking up as much of your gift as he could before bringing them out in a mess to wet his cock with it. Your mouth fell open, watching his length glisten as he stroked it, never breaking eye contact with you.  

His gaze dipped to your breasts briefly to watch you twist your hard nipple between thumb and forefinger, whimpering as your other hand moved faster.  “Eddie..Eddie! See what you do to me?”

“Ahhhh,” Eddie held his thumb on his tip, right on the verge, and buried two fingers from his other hand inside you again.  Your tight walls fluttered, clenching him, and the look on your face as you got close was too much for him to handle.

“This is—-oh fuck I’m cumming,” he gasped.

“Cum on me, cum all over me,” you begged, just in time for him  to aim the joystick in your general direction, pumping hot white ropes onto your hand and cunt.

You watched him milking it as he twitched, and you rubbed his spend down your folds.  You held his wrist to keep his fingers inside of you, and then your eyes were rolling back as your release exploded.  

In the aftermath, the two of you took a minute to catch your breath.  There was cum and saliva everywhere and neither one of you seemed bothered.

“This is the best part,” Eddie mumbled, taking his fingers out to suck the result of your orgasm off of them.  

“Shit,” you lifted your head and looked around with a giggle.  “We fogged all the windows up.”

“Good,” he clutched  your waist to shift you and pull you closer.  “That way no one can see us.”

Your car was blocked between the two trailers, but being seen by someone out walking their dog at night was always a risk.  A risk that did not seem to have an ounce of importance at the moment.  

You put your forehead to his and smoothed your thumbs over his cheeks, rocking so that the drips from your cookie box landed on his exposed length.  “What I meant to say earlier is that I have this big, stupid crush on you, Eddie Munson.”

Eddie adjusted your skirt so that you were properly covered, and pulled you flush to him so that no one could get a cheap look at his girl's gorgeous tits.  

His girl.

He wasn’t sure if you knew it yet, but you had his heart, and you could do whatever you wanted with it.  

You ducked your head down to rest it on his shoulder and his hand cupped the back of your neck.  “I’ve been wanting to ask if I could maybe take you on a date sometime?”

He was serious, but the timing made you laugh.

Eddie always made you laugh.

“I’m never going on another date ever again, remember?” The side of your mouth pressed into his shoulder and you wiggled closer to him. A part of you wondered if you were squishing him, like maybe his legs were asleep, but his hold on you was unrelenting.  

“Oh damn, that’s right,” his other hand rubbed up and down your back. “I missed my window of opportunity thanks to Don.”

“I guess we’re stuck with more of whatever this was,” you murmured.

“Poor us,” Eddie smirked.  “We might have to do more of this again in a few minutes.”

“If we have to.”

“Hey,” he nudged you so that you lifted up to meet his dark, searching eyes. “Kiss me if you’re mine.”

You were both smiling as your lips met, and it wasn’t long before you led him by his hand into your trailer while he hummed the chorus to Margaritaville.  

[pepsiboyy]

beyond the contract - part 1

P1 P2 P3 P4 P5 P6 P7 P8

pairing: matt sturniolo x reader summary: where the sturniolo triplets are part of an organization known as the eclipse alliance, matt has constantly failed to pull through with pulling the trigger on a target. fed up, their boss gives matt one last chance, where he is sent to northside high school to get some answers out of a girl. warnings: mentions of weapons (guns), blood, and cursing!! author's note: HIII this is basically a matt pov chapter for establishment but at the next chapter it will be based around the reader!! <3 PLEASE let me know what you think!!! this is new for me LOL ENJOYYY WC: 1835 lowercase intentional !!

tears blurred matt's vision as he stood frozen in the light of the warehouse, his trembling hand clutching the cold steel of the gun. the weight of the weapon felt heavier than ever, its presence a cruel reminder of what was standing before him.

"matt, pull the goddamn trigger," nick breathed as chris swallowed beside him. the two were crouched behind a wooden crate within the large, and seemingly entirely metal warehouse that they were sent to.

matt's lip caught between his teeth as he let out a shaky breath. "fuck," he breathed shakily as he squeezed his eyes shut. after a moment, he let his head fall and stared directly at the ground. the man who stood in front of the gun seemed to loosen up, causing matt to immediately snap and clutch the gun in his hands with a deep swallow.

bang.

matt exhaled deeply as he realized he was okay, his eyes snapping open as he looked around. the man in front of him was on the ground, bleeding out. matt didn’t shoot the gun. he let out a shaky breath as he turned behind him, where nick stood, revolver in hand.

“matt, come the fuck on, you almost got yourself killed.” nick spat as he made his way over to him and faced him.

matt couldn’t help the tears that built in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he breathed, shakily looking down at his hands.

“what matters right now is we get this figured out and out of here.” chris replied, a worried expression on his face as he moved his hand to rest on matt’s shoulder.

matt let out a shaky breath. this sucked.

-

“the way you’re acting is a literal disgrace on the eclipse alliance name, matthew sturniolo.”

matt was sitting with his hand pressed against his cheek, his eyes lidded. he didn’t care for whatever their coordinator was saying to him. he just wanted to go back to his room and close his eyes.

it’s hard to focus when your literal job is to do what you’re told, even if it means ending a precious life.

matt shivered. he hated the thought that somebody with a long life before them, and even ahead of them, would have to face the unruly death by the hands of the eclipse alliance. or his brothers. or him.

“are you listening?” the harsh grip that matt now had against his shoulder caused him to shoot his head up and stare directly at the man’s face. he clenched his jaw.

“yeah, i’m listening,” matt breathed, and he bit his lip as he kept his eyes either down in his lap or directly in front of him. not on anything in particular.

“you have one more chance matthew. make the right decision, or you’re out.” he stated sternly.

matt let out a soft sigh as he stood up and stretched his arms. his face scrunched up. “for the last time, i told you to just call me matt. seriously, less of a hassle and more likely i’ll listen to you.” he lowered his voice for the last part of his sentence before collecting his things and leaving.

“nicolas will have your information to you within the next few days.” he stated firmly, before matt stopped in his tracks. he then shrugged it off and kept walking.

-

“matt, i’m serious. if you don’t pull this one off, you’re in deep shit,” nick stated, his hands tied together as matt stared at him from across the counter.

“i mean realistically, what are they going to do?” he questioned, making chris clench his jaw.

“you’re lucky they don’t kill you, dude.” he breathed, and buried his face in his hands. “thankfully they just slap you on the wrist and call it a day.”

matt scoffed and stood up. “i’m going to bed.” he muttered, and chris extended his arm to stop him by his chest.

“nick got your task in the mail… you’d better hear this one out.” chris breathed, before taking a seat. matt clenched his jaw and sat down as well.

nick sighed and set the folder on the counter, before opening it and taking out some papers.

“there’s a girl. y/n y/l/n. she has connections to black veil operations. your task is to attend sunnyslope high, about fifteen minutes away, and get some information from her.” nick read off, as he occasionally glanced at matt.

“information? that’s it?” matt scoffed. maybe this wouldn’t be so hard after all.

“you have to get close with the girl, matt. you can’t just go to her and ask her about the black veil operations, are you crazy?” chris scoffed, making matt roll his eyes.

“i know that…” he breathed, and nick and chris smiled softly at one another.

“this also means you have to get good grades, matt,” nick started, “you’re attending school as well.”

“fuck this shit.” matt breathed as he stood up. chris went to stop him, but nick waved him off. matt marched to his room.

“he’ll think about it and realize that this is the easiest task literally possible.” nick mumbled, and chris nodded carefully.

matt on the other hand, slammed his door shut and let out a deep sigh as he sat against his bed. were they kidding? growing up in the eclipse alliance, matt had dropped out of high school to assist his brothers and eventually begin pursuing his own rankings in the company. he was behind in school, it was impossible, he thought. but then he thought more.

-

“i’m leaving,” matt breathed after pushing chris’s door open. he had a backpack on his back with a few notebooks and a dream.

chris raised his head, clearly still half asleep. “mmm… tell nick,” he muttered before laying back down carefully.

“nick is gonna give me a lecture, and i’ll have enough of that throughout today. just tell him for me,” matt stated before stepping away and shutting the door.

-

“class, today we have a new student.”

matt bit his lip. he knew he was supposed to be tough guy detective, but he really hated talking to crowds and often felt himself grow shy in the process. “hi, i’m matt,” he mumbled quietly before turning to the teacher. “where do i si-“

“matt here has to catch up on our work for the last two months, so be a buddy and help him!” she instructed with a smile that was almost sickening to matt.

with the sound of a soft psst, matt turned his head to the girl making the sound.

she carefully pointed to the chair beside her, which happened to be the only one. “here,” she mouthed, and matt made his way over there.

carefully setting down his things, he turned to the girl and smiled softly. “thanks,” he breathed, before taking out his notebooks.

“no problem, she rambles anyways. needed to get you outta there as soon as i could,” she replied with a soft chuckle. she held out her hand and smiled softly.

this girl was absolutely stunning. matt felt his cheeks heat up when she reached out her hand. he carefully shook it and looked around as he remembered y/n was supposed to be in this class. he turned back to the girl and firmly shook her hand.

“name’s y/n,” she breathed, and matt swore he felt his heart sink. this girl was stunning, and incredibly kind from what he could tell so far.

he quickly threw a smile on and nodded, letting go of her hand. “nice to meet you y/n, your name’s pretty.” he whispered and quickly turned to his backpack, taking out a notebook and pencil.

-

“do you need help getting around?”

matt gasped as he turned to her and clutched his chest. he thought she had already left.

“woah, you okay?” she chuckled as she looked at him.

fuck. matt felt his face heat up. “y- yeah, sorry-“ he quickly stood up and zipped up his backpack, slinging it over his shoulder. “and i may need help. sorry,” he mumbled. he hated being a burden to anyone, as that was all he felt like ever since he started working for eclipse alliance.

“of course, don’t apologize. what’s your next class?” she questioned, and he looked down at a sheet of paper that was given to him in the front office.

“umm.. english four.” he replied, and looked up at y/n. he swallowed. how could a girl this gorgeous have connections to black veil operations?

“oh really? me too!” she smiled brightly and quickly began to walk towards the door, where matt followed her and gripped the strap to his backpack.

y/n showed him around the hallways between classes and even sat down with him in english and at lunch. she gave him her phone number incase he had any questions about any assignments or even about the school itself.

matt was very thankful for her, and thanked her profusely before he headed to the car and began to drive home.

-

“she’s gorgeous, and i have to lie to her,” matt breathed, and chris shook his head.

“no matt, you don’t have to lie. you just have to keep it to yourself!” he responded with a smile and a little too much confidence. matt felt his heart sink.

“this is no help,” he facepalmed before he got a text from y/n, and his face practically turned white.

from: y/n

hey matt, glad i met you today. i hope that today was an alright first day, and i could be of some help. see ya tmrw!

matt buried his face in his hand.

“and you said she’s cute?” chris commented, which matt only nodded in response to. “you’re in deep shit,” chris muttered with a soft chuckle.

matt winced. “i’ve heard that enough.”

“i have advice,” nick replied from the doorway, causing them both to jolt. “why don’t you just distance yourself?”

“nick, are you stupid? i need to gain her trust to get anything from her that will be of use to us, and to do that i can’t just distance myself,” he breathed before he shook his head. “this feels so wrong,” matt whined as he looked at his hands in his lap.

“you signed up for it, no?” nick muttered in response, causing matt to look up at him.

“i guess..” he whispered before he stood up and shoved past nick with a soft “i’m going to bed.”

-

matt laid in his bed and stared at the ceiling until about 2am. nick was right, he thought to himself. i can still talk to her and stuff without being super close to her, right?

he rubbed his face with his hands and sighed deeply.

his mind only flooded with thoughts of y/n, but he felt his heart clench every time he thought about the true purpose of why he was there.

he let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes, finally managing to get to sleep.

PLEASEEE LET ME KNOW WHAT U THINK!!!! HAVE AN AWESOME DAY NIGHT IDK!!! <33 taglist;; @sturniolo-girl

[more-cardigan-than-woman]

Coveted

Summary: You and your bestie go out to celebrate her divorce, unfortunately you just happen to stumble into the bar of the guy youve only been on three dates with, Roman Sionis.

Reader x Roman Sionis

1.8k

Warnings: SMUT, binding, swearing, couch fucking

The lights of the club are blinding, the music is loud and the crowd is like a swarm of bees trying to cram their way through the door.

You'd rather be anywhere else. But it's not everyday your bestie gets divorced and this is where she wanted to go. So, you strapped on your heels and your prettiest dress and now you're standing right inside the club. 

Deep breath, deep breath. You can do this. Karlie wraps her arm through yours, squealing a little bit as the security guard ushers you out of the doorway. “So, is your mystery man coming tonight?” She leans in, sounding excited.

“I hope not.” You mumble, but she's not paying attention anyway, “tonight's about you babe!” You squeal successfully distracting her, “let's go have some fun.”

“Lets!” She giggles, “I wanna find the youngest, hottest idiot and fuck his brains out.”

“Kay, babe. I'll keep an eye out.”

The night seems to be going well. Karlie is getting a bit tipsy but with you constantly feeding her glasses of water in between drinks she keeps her head on her shoulders.

You dance and drink together. All the while your eyes scan the room, over and over. He told you he owned a club, but this can't be it. It's way too flashy and every time you've met him it's been very low-key.

Maybe you're mistaken? After all, you've been here nearly 2 hours and haven't seen him. It must be a different club. Maybe one of those classy ass cigar lounges, dude did look like he was rolling in it.

A young man approaches your table, his red curly hair flowing just past his shoulders and his crisp white shirt is hugging at his sides. 

“That's the one,” Karlie shouts, “Wish me luck,” she mouths to you, jumping from her seat almost immediately and leading the man to the dance floor. You laugh at her enthusiasm.

You watch her dance and then make out with the man. Your drink resting in your hand. You're almost about to leave her to it when you notice someone approaching the booth.

“Come with me, miss.” The large woman orders you.

“I was just leaving.” 

“Come with me miss,” she repeats, “now please.”

“Do I have a choice?”

“Not really,” she shrugs, “sorry.”

She walks you up a flight of stairs and into a darkened room. “Where are we going?” you ask, but the woman ignores you, opening the heavy metal door. All you see is the blue lights that seem to be hidden under the walls and a dark figure sitting on the lounge at the back. You take a step inside and begin to panic when you hear the door click shut behind you.

“Ummm, ma'am,” you turn trying to open the locked door, “ma'am what is this? Ma'am?” 

You hear the click of expensive shoes behind you. Approaching slowing from the back of the room, gods you’re so fucked.

You turn, knowing that there's no real escape here and are suddenly met with a pair of eyes that you recognise. “Roman?”

“Hello darling.” His soft gloved hand gently takes hold of your chin as he steps closer, “did you come here just to tempt me?”

“No, i- my friend, she-”

“is firmly distracted by my man.”

“Roman, I should get back to her.”

“She,” he leans forward, his breath a tingle on your ear, “will be taken good care of tonight, my darling. I want you all to myself.” his arm wraps around your waist pulling you closer, “I feel like you've been teasing me all night.”

“I didn't even know you were here.”

“That's worse.” His teeth sink into your neck and his tongue licks at you, “I knew you were here the moment you hit my sidewalk.” his gloves slip up your dress, searching for the zip, “and you have been teasing me ever since.”

“If I had known you were watching me,” your fingers move fast to the buttons of his shirt, “I would've been naughtier.”

“You were plenty naughty,” he spins you, fed up with his struggle to find your zip. He rips it open with force but his hands are slow while he peals it from your shoulders, his lips chasing the fabric. “Sitting so quietly, ignoring my attempts to get your attention.”

“I didn't do it on purpose.” You smile, knowing he can't see it. 

“And if you had?”

“I would've found something to get me in more trouble.”

“Do you enjoy punishment, darling?”

i“Hmm. With you?” You arch back, pushing your ass into his groin, “I think I could find it very enjoyable.” 

“Let's get to it then, darling.” He lifts you from behind, carrying you over the room and throwing you into the couch, “ass over the arm.” 

“And if I don't?”

He laughs, “please, by all means Resist darling. It makes it way more fun for me.”

You start to squirm, but Romans strong hands have a tight hold for you. His knees press your legs open as his hand around your hair pushes your face into the couch cushions.

“Stop squirming.” His fingers tighten on your hair, pulling your hair back.

“Fucking hell, Romie.” You pant, your ass lifting up in the air as your tummy curves down and your back is beautifully arched.

“You look perfect like this,” he groans into your ear, his free hand making quick work of your panties and then his belt.

You smirk at him over your shoulder. sliding yourself off the couch and moving to get up. “Can't punish what you can't catch.”

“Oh, pretty girl.” His voice is low and dangerous, “I’ve already caught you.” His gloved hand wraps around the back of your throat stopping you in your tracks. His other hand sliding up and under the remains of your dress, “and I know you don't wanna run from me.” 

You shiver in his arms, and he chuckles, wrapping the expensive leather of his belt over your wrists and pinning them to your back.

“Get on the couch,” he presses you forward, his knees kicking yours up and pushing you down into the cushions, “stay right there,” he orders you and you wiggle a sad attempt at pretending to fight.

“What will you do with me?” Your whine turns into a moan as he tears off the remnants of your dress and lands a hard slap on your pussy.

“Teach you what I do to pretty girls who tease me.” He slaps you again. Then his strong fingers are ripping at the seams of your panties and you hear him inhale. “what a fuckin mess.” He slaps you again, “can't have my pretty girl making a mess on my couch.”

“Fuck,” you pant, sticking your ass up and trying to find anything to Grind down on, something to give you the pressure you need, “Roman, please.”

“Yes, pretty girl.” His voice was deep and mischievous, “beg for me.” 

The slice of his zipper cuts through the air, the cling of his belt sending jolts of anticipation  through you. When the expensive leather wrap tightens around you as he pushes you further into the couch, holding you right where he wants you.

“Please Roman,” your legs kick but find no target, “please,” you try to move your arms, but he presses them harder into your back, “I need you, fuck.” 

“What lovely noises you make for me.” His cock slaps at your pussy, teasing you. You scream his name and he laughs. “Stop squirming, it just makes me want to tease you more.” He slips his cock between your lips grinding through them the tip just barely grazing your clit and sending you into a blissful torture. 

“Please fuck me Roman, “ tears start to sell in your eyes, “I can't take it.”

He grabs you by the hair, pulling you back so your chest is slush with his stomach.  His voice a growl in your ear, “not yet. But you will learn to take it from me.” He grinds up, giving you a tiny dose of what's in store as he grinds his cock into your clit.

“Yes, I can.” You pant, “I will. But please. “ You barely have the last word or before he moves back. His cock slip's right into the dropping mess between your legs. 

His gloved hand moves from your hair to your neck,  directing your face to the side and his lips meet yours. His pace is almost as punishing as his kiss. Fierce, hard and unrelenting. 

You feel light headed whether from the kiss or the fucking, you can't tell. But both are intoxicating, he's intoxicating. You twist and the soft leather glides over your thigh and between your legs. Stopping at your clit, he does move just gives you something to grind down on. 

“It's too much,”  you somehow manage to say between garbled moans.

“Take it for me”

“Roman I-”

“I got you. Take it”

“Yes,” you lean back into him. Your muscles relax as you're pussy starts to contract,  “Roman I I think”

“Your mine now pretty girl”

“Yes”

“Say it”

“I'm yours”

“Yes,  keep saying it.” He moans, makes me wanna come

“I'm yours, I am all yours, all of me.” You scream as you explode in a cacophony of pleasure over him and he picks up the pace. You keep saying it as his fingers bruise into you.

“More more”

“Roman I am yours”

“Fuck” he screams through gritted teeth “Fuck fuck,  Yes” he keeps slamming into you as his pace slows down. 

With a deep sigh he stops. Leaning his back into the couch and wiping his brow. “You,  ah.  You're something else.” You hear him smile as his fingers release you from your bonds and he helps you recline into him. 

“Hmmm.” You hum, resting your head on his shoulder, “this was nice.”

“Just nice,” he laughs and you feel his dick inside you twitch, “have to try something else next time then.”

“It was great,  I just-”

“Got your brains fucked out and can't think?”

“Yeah, xctly.”

“Rest pretty girl,”  his hands soothe down your sides. 

“Think I will”

“Good,” his lips gently press into your temple and your eyes flutter close. You’re nearly about to drift right off into dreamland when you swear you hear him say, “You’re all mine now, Darling.” was that another kiss? “You’ll never be free of me.”

[hey-cringelord]

last night a friend and i got really deep into the kiritetsu friendship and eventually spiralled into a lengthy conversation about tetsutetsu being not transgender, but the biggest ally in existence

started with "kirishima and tetsutetsu are similar, so theyre both transmen" then decided no, actually, tetsutetsu just had no idea that was a thing

convo highlights:

theyre gym bros. often sending each other post-pump day pics fresh out the shower (there might have been a mention about near- full bush in the pic. cannot confirm or deny)

the first time kiri sent a pic tetsutetsu thought the kt tape he uses to bind was from a very serious injury that kiri didn't tell him about. cue kiri mansplaining chest binding, what it means being a transman, and tetsutetsu's immediate 100% support

"super manly bro" "manly man!" ⬅️ live tetsutetsu reaction

more about being gym bros and the pics they send because theyre so fucking funny:

kiri is an avid leg day fan. tetsutetsu is not. multiple arguments here that is just gym bro mumbo jumbo to any unlucky eavesdropper

tetsu believes core should be given its own dedicated time slot at the gym. kiri has never once done core workouts on purpose and just loops core into his usual routine (and by letting his classmates rock his shit in training). more arguments ensue

their leg day pics to each other are either shorts pulled way too far up or just. butt naked in the gym. they dgaf. (there has been a number of occasions where they open the message and accidentally flash their friends. response is usually "but hes so built, what the hell !?")

😁👍💪🔥🏋️‼️ literally the only emojis seen in their texts

just. the idea they send each other the gayest possible videos. like those twitter dudebros trying to get thirst comments? thats them. except theyre so bro about it theres nothing gay about it

tetsutetsu's transgender learning experience:

kiri introduces the idea to him, explaining only the transmasculine side of things.

(curtains open) transfem monoma, everyone!

tetsutetsu asks people he knows if theyre trans (genuine curiosity. he thinks this trans shit is metal as hell) (literally everyone gets asked btw. no one is safe)

monoma beats him over the head when she says yes and his response is "thats so manly!" and once she (or probably kendou...) explains it to him: "that's so womanly!"

proceeds to say he thought she had a really intense chest routine and thats why her chest was so flat

tetsutetsu asks bakugou and promptly gets threatened in a back alley. tetsu says kiri told him transmasc is a thing, so now kiritetsu are getting threatened in a back alley. its a shared bro experience

after learning monomas transfem and shes not just like that, tetsutetsu fights for his life to not say "hey bro/dude/man!" when greeting her. it takes barely a day for her to get fed up with "hey lady!"

i could keep going, but this is already a wall of text on my laptop screen. i really just wanted to share all these so i can come back to them, cuz i was up until three am with a killer stomach ache from two half daquiris and baconator fries from wendys. i might have cried laughing at one point, not sure

[kushblazer666]

it’s really funny when wata takes photos with other musicians cuz like. she is a very short thin japanese woman and 90% of her peers she ends up in pics with are fat corn-fed metal dudes

[banmitbandit]

Shoutout to a few of my bloodswap Solluxes :) Infodumps about them in the Keep Reading if I formatted Tumblr Correctly. I just couldn't stop myself from writing a bunch about all of them Q~Q

I always wanna draw more of Sollux so more bloodswaps is obviously the way to go about it :)

Burgundy!Sollux - telosAutotelic

Sollux dies pre-SGRUB, and can't bring up the energy to care about anything anymore, let alone his whole red and blue schtick. Shortly after the game begins, he's "gifted" a new robot body by Equius in return for having done some extensive troubleshooting for him in the past. He's horrified to find his new metal husk has all the features wrong- the horns are wrong, the teeth are wrong, fuck, even the stupid red and blue are wrong, and he hates it so much - he had no idea he could even feel hate anymore - he only uses it when it's more efficient to be a robot than a ghost. He quite literally doesn't have the time to fuck around these days. Equius is miffed his psychological warfare to get Sollux pitch with him fails so spectacularly.

Mutant!Sollux - tacticsAllogeneics

Sollux tells everyone he has red blood, but no one believes him because that's totally not a thing. This is all according to keikaku (Keikaku means plan). Despite this, everyone seems to think he's a pretty cool dude, and so when SGRUB comes around, everyone kind of just looks to him to lead. His only experience with leading is strategy games and a few FLARP sessions. He's absolutely miserable. He ends up learning just how fucked up his friends are in the thinkpans, and it falls on him to have to try and haul their asses into being useful. It causes some ire with his friends who come to the conclusion he sees them as chess pieces rather than people, but really he just wants to get through this game without people kicking the metaphorical bucket. He's forced to play the healer in video games.

Purple!Sollux - tamedAnimus

Sollux is the descendant of one of the most notorious purplebloods of all time, who had the art of subjuggulating down to a science, and he wants nothing to do with his legacy or the church, only maintaining a few rituals out of routine habit. He's found a good couple of heretics who are pretty chill, and as loathe as he is to admit it, he wants to see them thrive. He makes a conscious effort to keep his violent highblooded tendencies in check for them, though his mood swings are both frequent and intense. One problem, a rather big one, is that he can quite literally feel the emotions of those around him, hyper-empathetic to the point where strong emotions from his peers during the game give him migraines. When things start kicking off and people start dying, Sollux acts on the fear, panic, and rage that's flooding him like adrenaline and attacks two of his friends, losing his eye in the process. When everything cools down, guilt eats him into hypervigilance, leaving him paranoid and self-destructive.

Violet!Sollux - trenchantAnglerfish

Sollux has spent his entire life deep underwater, where few seadwellers dare to live. The Continental Catfish keeps itself well fed but Nepeta has difficulty finding the thing most days, so Sollux's small army of fishbots keep an eye on it for her, tracking its movements. Because he's never gone above water, he's something of a NEET, and Nepeta is glad she can push him onto some of her friends when the game starts because he really needs to get out more. He's not the worst, all things considered; he's somewhat petty and spiteful when wronged, but this is mostly a result of his on-again, off-again relationship with Karkat, who happens to think he's a huge tool with an even bigger ego (and his best friend). The first thing he alchemizes is a pair of dark-tinted glasses for his extreme light sensitivity.

[heartypiano]

LUXIEM if they were IDOLS! note: this isnt rlly x reader but its an idol au hc style ;p, im basing them off of kpop stuff, not proofread!

IKE!

he would be well known for his cute aegyo-like (tskr in this case) acting. he would rarely do it though to keep the fans thirsty, and he probably does it sub consciously so fans are well fed.

his usual outfit would be a knitted sweater and jeans, he wears them so much to the point fans freak out if they see his arms, and maybe his biceps too. (wink wink)

high notes, high notes, high notes!! fans probably made a compilation of all his high notes, i mean, who wouldn't?

fans would surely make those "ike's duality in __ minutes" compilations, this dude can do a metal rock scream yet do godly high notes.

MYSTA!

this man would be the classified as the mischievous jokester in the group, despite his dirty jokes and weird humor, he still manages to make you laugh!

everytime he would be slightly clumsy, fans love him for it. sure, he might wish to be less clumsy or not being clumsy at all, but fans will still love him no matter what!

speaking of fans, his solo fanbase would be the most loyal one out of the 5. And by loyal, i mean they will fight for this man anywhere. (i mean, i would too.)

he would be famous for his little expressions. imagine ;3 or x3, fans would literally squeal. who wouldn't go crazy over this guy's cute smiles?

VOX!

bias wrecker 100%, he will wreck your whole bias (or at least oshi) list 24/7 everytime some fancam would release. trust me, this man knows his effect on fans and it makes him smirk.

i would say he would unironically dance to girl group's songs (ehem with ike, ehem). he would want some of those "duality of vox akuma under __ minutes" compilations too.

speaking of duality compilations, theyre WILD, like WILD WILD.. first clip he'd be vaguely doing some suspicious motions while dancing, then next clip he's dancing to 'let's get it started' by ILUNA.

he would also be friends with other groups, and sometimes you don't even know if their friends or not. he might be friends with the whole industry and no one would know.

LUCA!

while mysta's the mischievous fox, luca's the bundle of sunshine! he definitely has his moments where he's like some clueless dog despite being such a huge guy.

of course, fans call him a himbo, but dont underestimate him! he surely has some trick up his sleeves. he for sure knows how to push his fan's buttons.

again, duality compilations. he'd be breathing heavily, sweating after an exhausting dance routine on stage then next he'd be happily drinking water and hugging his groupmates like a clingy younger brother.

his pictures usually include shu! they're such a powerful duo that adds a lot to the group (ill explain in shu's part). his bright smile will surely make you want to buy his photocards.

SHU!

we all know shu is a smart man, and he knows how to handle his fans. he would occasionally do fanservice, but will still keep you starving for more. "more thirsty = more demand" he thinks.

cue the photocards, he rarely posts selfies but he does take them privately and sends them in for staff to make them into photocards. sure, he would post some on twitter but most photocards are rare to see. that's why fans thank luca so much, luca includes shu in his selfies a lot to feed the fans (thank you luca..).

his vocals would be underrated yet overappreciated by his fans. you heard those growls, high notes, the power he has in his voice can drive fans crazy.

his relationships with the members are all so sweet and balanced. him with vox would be charismatic with all the pictures and fanservice crumbs. him with ike would be intelligent with the song writing and strategic marketing. him with mysta would be sibling-like with the funny bantering and one braincell. him with luca would be adorable with the cute and wholesome moments.

P.S. i write for the persona, not the one behind the screen. ty for reading!

[hellsingmongrel]

Man, so I'm not normally the biggest fan of Modern AUs, nor am I overly fond of fiction focused on kids, but...last night, my sleeping brain decided to concoct this Trigun (Stampede-flavored) Modern AU that now is living rent free in my damn brain! I want to get it out of my head and into the ether. I don't know if I'm going to do anything long-form with it, and I'm having to translate dream weirdness into more coherent storytelling, but here we go.

So it's modern day Earth, like 2024 or some shit, right? And that's when this version of Earth had just begun fucking around with Plant cloning. It's early enough that the SEEDS project hasn't even left the planet, the scientists haven't yet figured out how to put Plants in bulbs and use them for fuel, none of that! But they've already had Tessla happen, and the boys have already been born. Since they're not in space, even though they had to have found out about their sister, Nai hasn't had a chance to literally nuke humanity from orbit, and I guess Rem has had a chance to try and curtail some of his trauma, so he's...more stable? Ish? Stable enough where he's not actively trying to murder everyone. And the boys are "older," like we see in the flashbacks for the time Vash encountered Nai during the Last Run, so probably around 6 years old but looking 16 or so.

Rem has managed to fudge their paperwork so they've started going to school with human kids, to try and give them a normal childhood. Nai isn't as eager to play ball with the whole "being human" thing as much as Vash is, but Vash has got so many friends, Meryl and Milly and Lina are there and they're like the cutest, most stupidly adorable group of friends, just a bunch of little goofballs, like kids that age are. And the school has a field trip to a theme park (it was Disneyworld in my dream because my school actually did this, but ours was a band trip) and Vash manages to convince Rem to let him go. Vash and Nai and Rem are still paranoid about humans figuring out who they are, so you know, he's told to be extra careful and take care of himself, and Nai gives him one of his blades or something for self defense, just in case something happens. Even though Vash would never, that boy has trauma around knives and trying to defend himself, if you've read Trimax, iykyk. But he takes it anyway, and somehow, he manages to sneak it into the park. Maybe the metal doesn't register on metal detectors or something, who knows.

But he's a kid, and kids are dumb. Especially when they're 16. Especially if those 16 year olds aren't actually 16 and don't have the actual lived experience to know better. So he starts playing with the knife in front of the girls, showing off and just being a silly little guy. And then the knife slips. Bad. We're talking "this is how he probably lost his arm in this AU" bad. Blood everywhere, the girls are panicking and take him to the school chaperones and it's like "HOLY SHIT WTF DUDE, We're taking you to the ER, someone call his mom!"

And he hears that, pictures the doctors finding out he's not human, remembers what happened to Tessla, and panics. Boy does a runner like only Vash can do, and he manages to get away from them, out of the park, and escapes from security. And when parents get involved in trying to find him, the authorities start looking into the incident, and someone in the government overseeing the Plant research is able to recognize the elemental make up of the blade he dropped, and they start having suspicions. So the feds get involved, and it just goes from bad to worse, right?

Meanwhile, loopy from blood loss and panicking and a little sobbing mess because he feels dumb about slipping up and he's afraid he'll never get to go home to his mom and his brother again and is spiraling the way kids do when they panic, he gets lost in the city and ends up stumbling over teenage Wolfwood, who lives on the streets and has a few street kids that he looks after on his own with Livio. They never got to live at the orphanage, but that also means that the Eye (in whatever form it takes in this AU) never got ahold of them, so yeah, shits fucked for them, but it's actually a whole lot better for them than it might have been. And it's Wolfwood without all of the EoM trauma, so you can just imagine what he does when this delirious, bloody, terrified, severely injured kid runs him over in the street, sobbing about being caught by the adults and taken away.

Big Brother Nico do what Big Brother Nico do.

At that point, I ended up waking up, but damn if my brain didn't give me enough details to come up with a dumb AU idea that I kind of love and want to do something with, but I don't know if I have the time or spoons to do so.

Ideas I'd had following this beginning to flesh itself out in my head; Luida and Brad are Plant researchers brought onto the project to help the feds figure out wtf is going on with this whole situation, and when Luida is told to talk to Rem, because she's not giving them anything they can use, the two of them reach a secret accord to bring Vash home safe and sound and cover everything back up nice and squeaky clean the way it should have stayed.

Vash's arm is bad enough that he can't really heal it very well on his own without medical care, Plant healing or no. He's doing better than most kids would, but it still begins to go septic, and it forces Nico and Livio to make the really hard decision to find adults they can trust to bring him to so he can get the care he needs. He still ends up losing his arm, though.

At the end of everything, Melanie ends up taking Nico and Livio and the other kids in, so they still get to have their momma figure, even if she comes in later. Maybe she's the one that they find to help them. Is she maybe someone they've known was mostly safe but was never able to get them to stick around long enough to take care of them? Either way, the boys get Vash to her, and it starts the process of getting him home and the kids finally staying at the orphanage.

Meryl, Milly, and Lina all end up sneaking away when they realize that Vash is in more trouble than the adults are letting on, trying to go find him, since they know him better than anyone other than Rem and Nai. Eventually, they meet up with Nico and Livio while everyone is trying to avoid federal agents.

Obviously it's lovey-dovey Vashwood and Insurance Girlfriends and Polygun-flavored, but in the "these kids are too oblivious to think about sexy things, yet" sort of way, because I really do headcanon that at least Vash is ace, Wolfwood is probably demi, and also I am not writing children getting intimate like that. >8/ But kids having little crushes on each other is adorable and I can't not have Vashwood and Insurance Girlfriends be the eventual outcome, once those idiots all grow up and get their heads screwed on straight.

Also, because Nai hasn't had a chance to murder everyone, Rem's managed to work with him enough that he's very slowly overcoming his trauma and regaining his ability to trust that he's not in permanent danger. He'll probably grow up to be a Plants Rights activist or something, lbh. Or a politician. But he's not going to murder people, so either way, it's a win/win!

Because Nico's been living on the streets with him, Razlo either hasn't had to manifest as strongly for Livio, or hasn't manifested at all. Livio is still the sweet, shy, crybaby teddy bear we see, and maybe Razlo only comes out when the feds start getting closer and almost managing to grab the kids, and because he's been able to bond with Nico and the other kids so well this time, Livio is close enough to them that the thought of them getting hurt or taken away is enough to make him want to protect their little group instead of just Livio.

Wolfwood absolutely grumbles about how alike Vash and Livio are. Both a couple'a crybabies, geez, what the Hell you two??? But he also is very much a teddy bear who gives the best hugs when one of his little band of gremlins is upset, so he probably spends more time in a cuddle pile than anything else, now that there's two of them to lose their shit at the drop of a hat.

Vash was totally the one very sweet boy in a clique of girls that everyone who'd known him realized, when they were adults looking back, that he was very much the sweet gay kid hanging out with the girls because it was safer to be himself around them than it was to be around the other boys. (This isn't meant as a stereotype of gay kids, this is based on actual kids I grew up with. My friend group honest to God adopted them because we were all a bunch of momma bears.)

Vash is also...not trans? Because he's a Plant and Plants don't work the same way humans do, but he's also not what humans would think of as a cis boy. He expresses a masc presentation, but probably the closest equivalent would be an intersexed kid. Nai, too, tbh, though he's probably more of the "I don't give a fuck" opinion when it comes to his own gender identity. He uses he/him because that's what humans think when they see him, but he doesn't care any deeper than that.

[viellohi]

(Caps) OUT OF CURIOSITY HOW DOTH THOU THINK OUR ACW DUDES WOULD GET ALONG WITH EACH-OTHER (ALL THE COMBINATIONS BECAUSE I’M EVIL) /vsilly

If they were all TOGETHER, the world would explode. Which is unfortunate because it is entirely possible

Under cut

Sam

I feel like Sam and Theo would vibe tbh. He doesn’t show it, but like Theo, Sam’s fed up with everyone’s shit, too. I feel like Theo would appreciate Sam’s mildness since he’s not the type of guy to get into random predicaments (except when he does)

Sam is still scared after

in 1862 but he’s chill with Clarence for the most part. Clarence is definitely chill with him. If they could, I think they would exchange letters to one another every so often

Sam when he sees Alejandra is a better shot than him: 😲 I feel like Alejandra would call him a wimp for when he declined being a sharpshooter tbh ("What do you mean you 'didn't want to shoot Yankees?' You were shooting them already!")

Sam would listen to Grandma Teela's wisdom. Might they both share cookies after a lunch picnic? Idk I think he’d like her, and she’d like him

Alfred and Sam. Hmm... Alfred would be concerned about how much Sam knows about plants... not in a bad way, just "He knows too much what how" PRAY FOR HIM ALFRED 🙏🙏🙏🙏

Alekshashka and Sam 🤝 whatever is going on with the two of them. being those "sure I can fight but wtf is this I don't want to anymore :(" types, I figure they're bound to run into the same dilemmas and help each other work through them

Charles

Charles and Theo. Hoooo boy. Charles becomes a pharmacist after the war so I think the two could have a yapfest about medicine for a little bit, but then Theo’s certain… unusual practices come into question and Charles is like 🤨 “you don’t use anesthesia???”

Clarence: "Why are you like this 😢" he would not like Charles' cynicism, I don't think. Charles thinks he's too sweet and nice... as he does with Sam but would still befriend him anyway lol

Alejandra has to do EVERYTHING within her power not to slap Charles ok. I don't think these two would get along very well honestly. Personalities clashing. also see robert's thing with her below

Charles and Alfred would start a book club or smth idk :') I can see them sharing one singular activity together every week but Alfred would secretly be like "...save me"

Charles LOVES Teela. omg like he'd be so excited like "HOW ARE YOU SO OLD???" and honestly bro is thrilled. he wants to KNOW what happened from an eyewitness in the early 19th century. Teela sitting there like "he's crazy 😶"

(see roberts thing below) #TEAM PREVENT ROBERT FROM GETTING MAULED BY A MOOSE with Sasha. Sasha's the only one (other than Sam and Robert himself) who actually gets to see Charles really scared: "What if he... idk. Why the hell is he like this???" ASSEMBLE THE METAL ARMOR. anyways after convincing robert that trying to tame a moose with nothing more than vodka is a stupid idea, Charles is VERYYY thankful that Sasha freaking... saved his husband. bro is in his debt ig lkDJsdjlzkjads

Robert

Robert and Theo. “I can learn from you,” Robert says as he observes how Theo deals with other people’s shit. Theo just sits and watches as Robert destroys his liver with 4354879531239 shots of póltorak (Charles walks into the room and tells Theo “please help my husband”)

“CAN YOU WED US????” -Robert dragging Charles into Alfred’s church (Robert loving everyone in New Aldridgeville for not being homophobic lmao). Robert knows German since he’s from an Austrian city-state, so they would probably chat in German. About… um what would they chat about. Freaking food or something? European politics-

Robert and Alekshashka—bros would be BEST OF FRIENDS *insert Slavic-to-Slavic communication* I think Robert would try to convince Sasha to hunt a bear or smth. Or help him tame a moose… /ref

Clarence and Robert: "WOMEN SCARY!!!" /jjj Clarence being genuinely concerned for how much alcohol Robert can tolerate. Sit them down and let them discuss whatever comes to mind over a glass of chocolate milk or smth lmao

Alejandra would meet Robert (and Charles probably) in a tavern. She would look Robert up and down and say, "I win." Robert: "Win what" 4 hours later, Robert staggers away flustered (he had to quit because charles was like "STOPPP I AINT ABOUTTA DRAG YOU TO BED SWEETHEART 😭😭😭") and Alejandra can boast that she's won a drinking content against a Slavic man. But then the next morning Robert demands a rematch because he would have kept going if it weren't for karol.... now we have an ordeal.

Tbh I don't see much interaction between Teela and Robert. I feel like he'd stay away from her and miss out on great Teela stuff. :(

Billy

Billy and Theo. Theo does all he can to try to make Billy a better person, and I feel like he’d actually have patience with him. Wait till he sees what Billy’s doing in the 1880s ❤️ He’d be proud of that little gunslinger

Clarence and Billy—at first, Billy is WAY too energetic and brash. Clarence gets fed up about Billy’s talking about the war. Billy gets fed up with Clarence being so non-compliant when talking about anything he doesn’t like. But eventually they do find out they’ve got some stuff in common. Like the whole “my parents left me” thing,,, (except I think Clarence would point out that technically, in Billy’s situation, Billy wasn’t voluntarily abandoned by HIS living parent)

As mentioned previously, Billy would be scared of Grandma Teela 🥲 He doesn’t know any women and has behaved badly around the crushes he’s had in the past. So maybe Teela could teach him a lesson. No seriously. Before Ernie can get to him, Billy has no concept of respect unless it’s when you have to be to the Confederate officers who want to know what information you’ve gathered.

Billy’s scared of Grandma Teela, but when he meets Alejandra… “WAS MY MOTHER LIKE THIS???” he wonders out loud to Ernie seeing Alejandra being the badass she is. Even in the 1880s Billy’d still be jealous of how great of a shot she is

I could see both Alfred and Sasha being VERY concerned for Billy… in addition, Sasha tries to help Billy not be scared of horses anymore but Billy just panics and is like “NOT MORE CAVALRYMEN” Sasha leans over and whispers to Alfred, “Pray for the boy” Tbh the three would make an interesting trio (did them together because I feel like Sasha and Alfred would have similar opinions about him and vice versa) Ernie

We both know how Ernie and Theo are— *insert Theo yelling at Ernie to “stop being a goddamned wimp and let me treat you!”* also Theo disappointed at Ernie for failing medical school

I think Ernie’d really like Grandma Teela. Lady’s over 100 and still strong. Besides, she doesn’t let anything get to her. Maybe the two of them could have a chat.

Omg Ernie and Alekshashka 💀 talk about disappointment from Sasha “THIS is one of the brigade commanders??? Good skill, bad leadership.” Ernie just nodding in agreement because he has no idea how he even got promoted to full brigadier general in the first place (he was sort of pressured into it by a friend who had political ties). Both can be horsegirls together though (and Billy when he eventually gets over his equinophobia)

Clarence and Ernie understand each other. Amputees 💪 also since they want to put the war behind them. I feel like the two of them would go on a camping trip and roast marshmallows over a fire and talk about life.

Alfred meeting Ernie: “um do you need prayer” Ernie: “yes please 🥲” tbh the two would go out for coffee every Saturday morning and share a plate of butter croissants

Alejandra about to leave Ernie in the dust lol. They’d be riding along and next thing Ernie knows, she’s already 20 yards ahead of him (especially if they’re racing…). I think he’d admire her a lot, and Alejandra would still be disappointed at his performance during the Civil War

[in-death-we-fall]

Knot On Your Life

Record Collector #266 — October 2001

Slipknot’s recent Iowa album entered the UK album charts at No. 1 — unprecedented for a nu-metal band. Drummer Joey Jordison waxes highly lyrical

(google drive link)

Slipknot’s second proper album, Iowa, was the most eagerly-awaited rock record of 2001, and both critics and fans of the masked nine-man band from Des Moines weren’t surprised when it crashed straight into the charts at the top spot in early September. But to anyone not familiar with the crushing music of this most uncompromising of groups, the sudden glut of media appearances that followed this triumph might seem strange, to say the least. After all, these are people who urinate on stage, offer fans the chance to inhale from rectally-inserted tubes and regularly vomit onto their audiences.

Despite the band’s fearsome reputation, drummer Joey Jordison was on relaxed form as he chatted to RC from his Mid-Western home. In fact, he was willing to provide an opinion on most subjects — so RC fed him a topic, and off he went. If only all interviews were this easy, eh?

A Night In With The Knot

All round to Joey’s…

Imagine you’ve invited us to a party round at your house. What tunes would you play for us? If I’m having a party I don’t really play much metal — because the chicks get more naked if you play something light. Old Bee Gees, or Michael Jackson’s Off The Wall, they’re all good party albums

I read once that you’re into the Cars and Fleetwood Mac. Oh, yeah. The Cars — I really like their Candy-O record, man, it was one of those records that really broke New Wave in America. They were one of the first bands to use the fuckin’ New Wave keyboards in their music, man.

The one-finger thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally! Like ‘Let’s Go’ with that cheesy line that they use, but it’s so infectious. We played it before a show one time — we cranked that entire song through the PA right before we hit the stage. The kids were so fuckin’ loud and pissed off! They thought we were gonna cut the cong but we played the whole damn thing (laughing), just to irritate them.

What about a bit of dance or hip-hop? I like the new Ludicrous record. And chicks often get naked when we play that new Nelly CD for some reason (laughs). I also like the Wu-Tang Clan and Ol’ Dirth Bastard’s solo stuff, and of course old Public Enemy, and the old NWA stuff. I’m much more into the old school — I don’t listen to any of that current shit.

Did you ever get into any grunge at all? For a little bit, although I was pretty strictly devoted to metal. I really can’t stand Pearl Jam though — I’ve never been a fan of them. Alice In Chains was always a metal band in hiding, with a grunge umbrella. Soundgarden’s Badmotorfinger was phenomenal, too.

What about Faith No More? A band I still devote a lot of respect to. Faith No More really turned things around for me — The Real Thing really shaped my awareness of musical styles and using them tastefully. Mike Patton is probably the most talented musician and visionary I’ve ever heard in my life.

Most people might also be surprised to hear that I’m really into glam shit too, in my other band, the Rejects (chuckles).

What — Bolan and Bowie? More like the New York Dolls and Hanoi Rocks, but it’s all good music.

Do you dress up in the appropriate manner on stage? Make-up, lipstick? Yeah, we do. It depends on the mood. But like the famous song said, though, just because I wear make-up doesn’t mean that I can’t kick your ass!

The morning after the party, what mellow tunes would you play for us? Let me check my current crop of albums. I’d probably actually wake you up with some Amen. ‘We came here to fuck you!’ That rules, dude. I love that band.

An unlikely pairing: (above) the Cars, whose ‘cheesy’ synth lines do it for Joey, and (below) the Bee Gees, for whom ‘the chicks get naked’, dude.

Gloom And Doom

The murky depths of extreme metal explored…

The introduction of Iowa’s first song, ‘People = Shit’, is pure Morbid Angel. Fuck yeah! If you’re gonna pay tribute to something, pay it to a band that kicks ass. My favourite Morbid work is Blessed Are The Sick — I think it’s untouchable.

Altars Of Madness was really cool, too. Fuck, that’s old school, man, that’s going back. I think they really came into their own around the time of Domination, when they started using the seven-string guitars.

What other metal bands are you into? I also really like Raging Speedhorn, and I gotta say Immortal’s Damned In Black is one of the finest black metal releases ever.

I thought In The Heart Of Winter was better. Yes, that fucker too — all Immortal is great. They’re one of the prime black metal bands of all time.

Have you got Slayer’s new album, God Hates Us All? Yes — it’s phenomenal.

‘Payback’ is a great song. (sings line from song) Payback, you bitch motherfucker! (sniggers)

Do you like Nile? I love Nile. Black Seeds Of Vengeance — I love fuckin’ Nile! They rule, man.

Poppin’ Out

Joey talks Britney

It’s a good time to be into metal, isn’t it? Look at it this way. Metal always stays here, it’ll never go away, because of the legions of devoted fans, man, they never go anywhere. They are always fucking gonna be there. The music will never go away. It’s been tested time and time again.

On the other hand, cheesy pop like Britney Spears and N’Sync has got a lot stronger at the same time, don’t you think? That’s very true, it’s a good point. Those bands are really big sellers for their labels. They’re all geared towards MTV; then MTV is geared to the kids; the kids bitch at their parents constantly, and then they go out and buy the record.

Sometimes these kids don’t know any better, they don’t know you can go out and get into the underground tape-trading scene, because they’re fed that shit over fuckin’ television. Which is a drug in its fuckin’ self.

We wanna turn these kids on. A lot of them have heard Korn and Limp Bizkit, but they’ve never heard a blastbeat. It’s great that we can turn them on to the underground — like a kid might never have heard of Morbid Angel, and might think that I’m the first guy to ever do a blastbeat and double bass. Which isn’t true.

Is it strange when Slipknot are included in the same nu-metal category as bands like Limp Bizkit and Korn? No. I can’t bitch about it because we are in that nu-metal group. We do have elements of the nu-metal sound, but the fact is, you can tell we come from a place that is more genuine and way more old-school than that.

Grrr!

Reasons to be angry

At the Ozzfest, Corey (Taylor, Slipknot singer) said ‘We’re going to kill everyone in the rock music industry’. Is the relationship between the band and the business really so bad? He’s always talking about that. A lot of the press — obviously not you, because you know what you’re talking about — when we were done with our first record, they said that there was no way we could top it, and were already slagging the second record. And then there’s the fuckin’ leeches that fuckin’ steal money, and the people that misquote you, and people that start fuckin’ bad rumours — and before you know it there’s a whole new list of problems that come with fame.

I’ll gladly take those problems because this is what I’ve wanted since I was five years old, but (getting annoyed) it doesn’t mean that it fucking doesn’t fucking totally fucking goad men, and totally fucking brings me to a fucking boiling point … (tails off in incoherent rage, then takes a deep breath and calms down). So a lot of those things came out, and we had a lot of personal issues when we were on the road. And we;re doing non-stop shows, so every day there’s something going on.

Havin’ It Large

Party on!

Didn’t you go drinking a lot with Casey Chaos when you were on tour together? Yeah, we do these drinking matches. I always lose. I got him one time, though. It took him a while, but he finally got fucked up and fell down the back of this bus — and Casey Chaos never pukes, ever, but he threw up this time.

I sobered up really quickly after I pissed myself in my bunk, and I came back out and I’m like, I’m ready to go again! But he had to go to bed. I may have fallen down first, but I came back for the second round. That’s been the only time.

Can you still get up and play the drums when you’ve got a sickening hangover? Oh, absolutely, dude. I’ve done it a million times. I’m not necessarily proud of it. But when the mask goes on and I fuckin’ slip into the fuckin’ boiler suit, something just happens to me, man. Everything goes away, and it’s all about us and those kids for that hour.

The Past

The bad old days…

Do you ever listen to Slipknot’s demo album, Mate. Feed. Kill. Repeat? I never ever listen to it. I’m very proud of where we come from, man, and I’ll never forget where we come from, but … that was a totally different band back then, you know, and it’s not the same.

Did you know that people are paying over £150 in this country for original copies of MFKR, if they can find them? (shocked) Christ almighty. God damn, man … they must really like the band.

It’s a lot of money to pay for someone’s demo. Or do you regard the album as more than just a demo? It’s kind of a glorified demo. It’s glorified in that it sounds really good for a demo — it’s produced really well. But there’s only six people on that record, Corey’s not the lead singer, the guitar players are different — you know, the only original members are me, Shawn and Paul on that.

The first Knot guitarist, Donnie Steele, famously left the band after a religious conversion. Yes. He was like, I found God and this band is not for me.

Even though he’d been in Anal Blast and Body Pit beforehand — two extreme grindcore bands? I guess not. He really wasn’t down with the mask thing either — when it came up he was like, I can’t do that. So I thought, hmm, OK, you’re probably not gonna work out.

Then there was Cuddles … (yawns) Yes … … but maybe I won’t go into that? Don’t. We never talk about that guy (drummer Cuddles, a member of the band from 1997-8, is alleged to be suing Slipknot at the time of writing).

The Future

What lies ahead

You once said that Slipknot is just too intense a band to survive more than a couple of albums. I get asked about that in every interview I do. But it’s cool, because it’s the truth. I think if the band broke up right now — you can call this ego, call it what you want — we might even have some kind of legendary status.

You mean, if you stopped at the peak of your form, before it got stale? Yes, like the Sex Pistols did. They did it right, man, they didn’t fuckin’ let themselves become parodies. And that’s what we plan to do with this band, once I know it’s not working. Because of all the hurt in the band, and the fact that there’s nine of us, I think if it went on too long, it would become a parody, man.

Will your records keep getting heavier and heavier, as they have so far? Well, lots of bands say their next record is gonna be the heaviest one ever, but they’re full of shit. They just say this so their fans will go out and buy it. But I can’t do that to my fans, man, because they’re the ones that got me here, y’know.

Interview by Peter Smith. Many thanks to Michelle Kerr at Roadrunner.

[fablesrose]

Ch 7 - The Fairy Godparents Job

Series Rewrite Masterlist 

Pairing: Eliot Spencer x Ford!Reader

Description: Another crooked financial guy, but this time under house arrest. Helping his son into the spotlight must be the play here.

Words: 4768

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nate texted the group chat letting us know that he was meeting with a client and to meet for briefing. I stepped into his apartment to see that Eliot was already in the living room reading a magazine. I greeted him and sat on the far side of the couch, tucking my legs underneath me.

He greeted me with a nod, but nothing more. 

Hardison walked in and started showing Eliot a phone sized device that he said was actually a metal detector. He started explaining how it worked, but I didn’t understand much. It was clear that Eliot wasn’t listening.

“Are you even listening?” Hardison asked after stopping mid-spiel. 

Eliot looked up from his magazine, “yeah.”

“Well, what did I say?”

“You’re explaining how you’re still a virgin?”

I couldn’t stop the short laugh that escaped me. I noticed it cracked a smile out of Eliot before he turned back to his magazine. Hardison looked at me with betrayal.

“I’m sorry, Hardison, that’s super cool, but I don’t understand what you’re saying… and it was a little funny…”

“Woman-”

Nate walked in with Parker cutting off whatever he was going to rebuff with.

“Talking to clients, you’re supposed to sympathize,” Nate seemed to be explaining to her. 

“I told you not to take her,” Eliot said.

“Well, you were right. Where’s Sophie?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, we’re not waiting,” Nate said as he sat down, “let's go, let’s start.”

Hardison took over researching this mark as I was busy with a project. He told us all about Daniel Fowler, our mark. He posed as a private investor, but just stole people’s money, including our client, a small clinic set to shut down because of him. The whole firm was busted as a Ponzi scheme and the FBI froze all of his assets and put him on house arrest. 

“I’m talking corporate accounts, personal accounts, real estate holdings… anything on planet Earth with this dude’s name on it is on ice,” Hardison explained. 

“FBI’s very thorough, huh?” Eliot asked. 

“Isn’t this going to be a problem for us though?” I asked, “I mean, what are we gonna do if he’s this locked up?”

Hardison had a slight smirk on his face, “Wait for it…” he pointed at Parker. 

“What’d they miss?” she asked, humoring him. 

“Oh…” a couple of screens came up with a press of a button, “Twenty million dollars. Moved it off the books right before the warrants came down.”

“He knew the end was near and he was getting ready to bolt,” Nate said. “Tell me something, where was Fowler arrested?”

“Oh, in his apartment,” Hardison answered, “packing for his “business trip” to the Maldives.”

Sophie walked in then, but she didn’t look as chipper as she usually did. She didn’t say anything as she walked to the kitchen.

“You see, he’d need it light, portable, close at hand,” Nate thought out loud, “that twenty million is in his apartment.”

“Yeah, but y/n brought up a good point,” Eliot added, “This guy’s on house arrest, man. I mean, he’s practically living with the FBI.”

“The problem is not getting into the apartment,” Sophie interjected, “but getting them out.”

There was a moment of awkwards silence before Nate asked, “where were ya?”

“Oh. I was running an errand,” Sophie stuttered noncommittally. 

“Weren’t you with the boyfriend?” Parker asked innocently.

“Parker” I whispered with a pointed look.

She had the grace to look a little guilty.

“So what are the terms of his house arrest?” Sophie changed the subject. 

Hardison answered, “Fowler’s confined to his six million dollar penthouse overlooking the Charles River.”

“That’s a rough punishment, huh?” Eliot asked sarcastically. 

“The whole place is outfitted with 24/7 surveillance so the Feds can keep an eye on him.” Hardison pointed his remote at the screen, “now… we can too.”

The screen showed a feed of Fowler’s apartment with him lying on the couch. We all smiled at him when he continued.

“I piggybacked the wireless feed.”

“Still,” Sophie sat on the back of the couch behind me, “for us to get in and search the place, we got to get rid of Fowler.”

“Now there are three general exceptions for house arrest,” Nate starts. “There’s personal safety, death of a relative, and family events.”

“Personal safety? We could burn the apartment down,” Eliot suggests. 

Parker cheered and volunteered.

“Or death of a relative…” He continued.

Nate disregarded them, “Who is that?”

A kid and a woman crossed the screen.

“Oh, the kid. The kid is from her first marriage, Widmark.”

“I’m sorry what?” I asked him.

“Widmark?” Eliot emphasized.

“Rich people, man,” Hardison replied. 

“Can you punch in on that, please?” Nate asked.

Hardison turned up the volume of the screen so we could hear what was being said. We watched as the kid was yelled at for apparently losing a cell phone. The adults stormed off, leaving him alone in the living room. 

“Wow, okay. What do we have on the kid?” Nate asked.

Hardison described Widmark. There was nothing particularly exceptional about him, 10 years old, in the fifth grade, no extracurricular activities. The only thing interesting about him on record is that he was allergic to strawberries. 

“Judges give out day passes for family events,” Nate reiterated, “it’s one of the three things right? So, Fowler is going to ask for one, so he doesn’t miss out on his kid’s big debut.”

“Wait,” I said, “What is he debuting as?”

Nate thought for a moment, “yeah, I don’t know. But we’re gonna steal his school and find out.”

Hardison was in charge of getting rid of the current principal, which he did quite easily with a couple of plane tickets. Nate was to pose as the new headmaster, with Sophie and Eliot his head teachers of “mind und body.” The parents weren’t too happy at first when they found out, but they were soon pacified enough for them to get to work. Meanwhile, Parker and Hardison were securing an apartment in the same building as the Fowlers so they had easier access to the penthouse. 

I hung out in the headmaster’s office while Nate, Sophie, and Eliot spoke to the parents. 

“Hardison and Parker are all set, now all we gotta do is give Widmark a triumph worth a day pass,” Nate said, strolling in. 

“A triumph? In what?” Sophie asked, looking at his file, “I mean, in five years this kid hasn’t joined a club, he hasn’t played a sport…”

“I gotta be honest with ya, I don’t know how I feel about using the kid to get a mark,” Eliot commented. 

“We’re not using him. I mean, every kid is good at something,” Nate insisted. “We just gotta draw Widmark out, give him his moment to shine.”

“Oh, so, we’ll be like his fairy godparents,” Sophie concluded. 

“Exactly,” Nate said, “I mean, come one, look at this: cushy private school, no gunrunners, mob bosses, Interpol. This is a breeze!”

“Wait, you guys have dealt with all that before?” I asked, finally speaking up. 

Nate nodded at me, “We got one week before the clinic closes for good… Athletics, academics…” he pointed at me, “this should be a good job for you to learn with. I want you to shadow Eliot and Sophie, work on staying in character. Whatever character you choose.” He turned back to address us as a group, “let's go get Widmark the win, alright?”

I followed Eliot first as he had Widmark in his class. He introduced himself to the class before gesturing to me to do the same. 

“Hello everyone, you can call me Ms. Jenny. I’m going to be accompanying your class here and there for this upcoming week, let me know if you need anything.” I smiled at all of them, making a particular effort to make eye contact with Widmark. 

Eliot directed the class to grab fencing equipment and to put it on before turning to me with a bit of humor, “Ms. Jenny? A little simple… are you even playing a character?”

I stuck my tongue out at him, “I’m working on it. It’s easier to remember than your name Mr… blah blah blah.”

“It’s Mr. Brewer, it’s not that hard.” He smirked at me, “I thought you said you saw the fun of this in Nebraska?”

“I do! It's just…” I bit my lip, “It makes me nervous, too, okay? This is so new and… I’m not sure I know how to do all of this.”

His smirk softened to a smile, “That’s okay, this’ll be a good run for ya. You’ll get the hang of it, but first,” he handed me a fencing sword, “help me teach these guys how to fence.”

He walked away towards the kids, and I followed quickly after, “I don’t know how to do that either.”

Eliot gave a brief demonstration, with me being mostly a prop. It was then time for the kids to try. 

“Alright Widmark, get on the line, you’re up.”

Widmark looked around as if Eliot had not just asked him. 

“Widmark, come on,” I urged him. 

“Get on the line,” Eliot repeated, “Show ‘em what you got, man.”

Widmark went to stand on the line, but a taller boy tripped him. I went to help Widmark up from the floor. 

Eliot immediately jumped in, “Hey! Take your helmet off. What’s your name?” 

The boy complied, “Skylar Sanford.”

I immediately rolled my eyes at his tone.

“Skylar?” Eliot asked. After the boy affirmed he said, “Is that a boy’s name? Don’t do that again.”

He took Skylar and put him against Widmark on the mat. Widmark had to be directed to put his helmet on, but struggled and put it on backwards. 

“Oh, Widmark-” I tried to correct him as the kids started to laugh, but Eliot beat me to it.

“What are you doing?” Eliot asked him after telling the class not to laugh. “There’s girls here. You’re better than that. Turn your hat around.”

Once Widmark did as he was told, Eliot started the match. It did not last long. Skylar quickly overpowered him, the buzzer indicating a hit and point ringing in my ears. 

Strike one on helping Widmark. 

Next up was Sophie with a spelling bee to prep for the state spelling bee next week. She held a tryout for a competition on Friday for the schools best spellers, plus Widmark. It all seemed to be going well with the words clearly marked in Widmark’s favor. Unfortunately there was one girl that rose to the challenge. Sophie was determined to get her to break, but I could see that it was not happening easily, if at all. I finally had to take a break and stepped out, running into Eliot again. 

“What are you doing out here? Thought you were shadowing Sophie?” He asked me.

I leaned against the hallway wall, “I was, but she’s doing a spelling bee and there’s a girl in there spelling words I didn’t even know existed. It’s giving me a headache.”

Eliot sighed, “Another strike?”

I nodded, “Another strike.”

We just looked at each other for a minute causing me to remember something that I had been meaning to talk to him about, but we hadn’t been alone since after the previous job.

“Hey, uh,” I spoke up before he walked away, “I’ve been meaning to… I don’t know. It’s just, after the last job, I mentioned what you did for that kid, it seemed to make you uncomfortable. I just wanted to apologize, I guess.”

He tilted his head at me before he responded, “Oh, uh, no you didn’t do anything wrong. I just wasn’t prepared. I didn’t think anyone heard about that…”

“I don’t think anyone else did, to be honest. I won’t bring stuff up like that again though if you don’t want me to.”

“No, not at all. I’m sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t…” He trailed off, but smiled. “We’re good, sweetheart, don’t worry about it.”

The bell rang and kids started to flow out into the hallway. He nodded his head down the hallway signaling that he had to go and I waved him off. I went to join Sophie in the auditorium when I heard her talking with Widmark. 

“I try hard, all the time,” Widmark said, “but, no matter how much I want something, it never happens.”

“Oh sweetie,” Sophie replied, “What do you want?”

“I don’t know… I just,” Widmark frowned, “I want someone to like me. Does that get easier when you’re a grownup?” 

I shook my head no, just to myself when Sophie answered him.

“Um, no. I don’t think it does.”

“You’re nice,” Widmark said, “but weird.”

Sophie shewed him off to class and he walked by me, “bye Ms. Jenny.”

“Bye Widmark,” I smiled at him as he walked off. I looked at Sophie once he left, and sighed.

This may be harder than we thought. 

We met back up at Nate’s apartment this time, but I had snacks from mine, which I thought was needed in this situation. Hardison and Parker recounted their experience setting up equipment at the Fowler’s place. 

“Let me just, can I get this straight?” Nate started, pacing around my kitchen, “Ok, alright, you two, you couldn’t rig a gym class and a spelling bee.” He turned towards Hardison and Parker, “and you two, you ran into the only FBI agents on the planet that recognize you?” He turned towards me, “what did you do?”

I raised my hands, full of chips, “I’m just shadowing.”

“I gotta be honest with you,” Eliot said, “I think we broke the kid even more.”

“We are the worst fairy godparents in the world!” Sophie exclaimed, dropping her spoon in her cup.

“Listen, we’ve still got to get Fowler out of the apartment so we can get in.”

“Yeah, except now, when he leaves there’ll be somebody waiting to kill him.”

“Can’t we use that? Isn’t that personal safety or whatever?” I asked, my mouth full.

“No,” Nate replied.

“Man, one of his victims wants payback more than he wants to be paid back,” Hardison said. 

“Well, one of you two can identify the gunman, right?” Eliot asked. 

“Yeah, sure. He stopped and let me take a picture of him as I was chasing him.”

“You know what? I’ve been around little kids all day, I don’t need to come home and do all this crap.”

“I’ve been in this pink shirt and these tight plaid pants, these old Webster loafers, this girl walking on my back…” Hardison went on as Parker handed Eliot her sketch pad. 

“Is this the guy?” he asked, and I walked over to look at the drawing. 

She hummed an affirmative.

The drawing was very detailed showing the face of a man, dark hair, slightly sunken eyes, drawn with a pen. 

“See?” Eliot tossed the pad at Hardison.

“I didn’t know you could do that,” Hardison remarked. 

“I thought everyone could do that,” Parker replied.

I shook my head, “No Parker, not everyone can do that, that’s some talent you have there.” 

She smiled at me proudly before Nate continued. 

“Okay, alright, keep an eye on him. In the meantime, if they think you’re real FBI, be real FBI. I mean, use it to case the apartment.”

“So, I’m out of this and I’m on FBI detail with Parker and Hardison then,” Eliot concluded. 

“Actually, no. I need you to be Coach Brewer.”

“There’s an armed gunman out there,” Eliot insisted, “you want me in the gym with kids named Skylar and Indigo?”

“Where did Coach Brewer go?” Nate raised the question.

“Shut up,” Sophie said, urging us to listen to the surveillance feed on the TVs. 

Widmark was singing to himself, and was doing a pretty good job. 

“The play’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of a king,” Sophie said, excitedly. I assumed she was quoting something, but I didn’t ask. 

We all looked at each other for a moment before Nate smiled, “Sophie, how long would it take you to stage a musical?”

“Six weeks,” she answered. 

“You have two days.”

I watched as the next day, Sophie lined up the kids, and instructed them to sing their science fair projects. When Widmark went, he wasn’t too bad, but his project was about mold, so kind of gross. Sophie encouraged him, and insisted he sing in the finale. 

I smiled at him from the auditorium seats, and he had a slight smile himself.

The parents were outraged that this kid, this child, was to be in the starring role when his father had done so much to all of the parents, ripping them off. Nate explained them away, saying it was based on merit, and that his father should have nothing to do with it. He was right of course, it angered me that he had to explain that at all. This poor kid.

“Could you just please try to maybe not make this so difficult?” Nate asked Sophie.

“I can’t take you seriously with that dead cat on your head” Sophie replied.

Nate looked at me before he sat down next to her, but I only shrugged in agreement, his hair was atrocious. 

“Eliot had trouble adjusting, alright, but he found a way to make his style work in this setting.”

I recalled the last class I watched him in, he had changed from private school style athletics to combat. He was enjoying it more than he let on.

“Look,” Sophie replied, “it’s the best I could manage under such short notice. The props are made, the kids have memorized their presentations, I’m just setting it to a bit of music.”

“Listen, I mean, let’s not forget why we’re here. Let’s not lose focus. The object is to get Fowler out of his apartment, not…”

“What, not Widmark, right? He’s just the bait.”

“Well that’s not fair.”

“You’re right Nate,” I cut in, “it’s not fair. It’s not fair to Widmark, this whole situation isn’t fair to him. The way people see him? His dad thinks he’s a loser, his mom sees him like a little baby, his classmates see him as the kid whose dad is the Grinch, who took everything. He…”

Sophie finished for me, “we just want people to see him as he really is.”

“He deserves that,” I added, “Everyone deserves that.”

The night of the musical was not going as smoothly as we had hoped. Hardison was going to be the one breaking into the apartment instead of Parker because of an FBI agent with a crush, and Widmark wasn’t on his musical game. I was helping direct kids to setting up, but I was getting nervous. It all came to a head when Sophie said she couldn’t find Widmark at all. I abandoned my post to help her look.

We finally found him in the bathroom, crying to himself. 

“Widmark, you can’t let them win,” Sophie told him, “you can’t show them they’re getting to you.”

Nate spoke through the comms, “Sophie, no. Just talk to him, don’t tell him what to do or who to be. Just talk.”

Sophie lost her American accent, “I’m sorry Widmark.”

“For what?” He asked. 

“For trying to con you into being brave. That’s what I do, I’m a bloody con artist. Look, I’m not very good at being honest, not even with my friends.”

Widmark finally came out of the stall and looked between us, “Do you have a lot of friends?”

“No,” we both responded.

I leaned against the sink and looked at him, “Can I tell you a secret Widmark?”

He nodded.

“When I was around your age, I was kind of like you, nobody really liked me, didn’t have any friends. You know who I was in school?”

He shook his head.

I looked at my feet before looking back at him, “I was the kid whose parents died, and that made me the weird one. Luckily that doesn’t mean anything anymore, and we have a few friends now.”

“I used to have friends,” Widmark said, “They don’t talk to me anymore, because of what my stepdad did.”

“That’s got nothing to do with you, you know that, don’t you?” Sophie asked him.

“Then why do they make fun of me?”

“Cause when they look at you, they see him. Just like they only saw my dead parents,” I responded.

“They’re not seeing you for who you really are,” Sophie responded.

Hardison and Parker were talking on comms, trying to get Hardison broken in and past the security, but I quickly tuned them out.

“Did you know I was an actress?” Sophie asked Widmark.

“No, are you good?” he asked.

She hummed, “Well, others don’t seem to think so.”

“Maybe they just can’t see you for who you are,” he concluded.

I kept quiet, thinking that I had my moment, she could have hers. 

“You know what they say about acting? They say it’s about telling the truth, about sharing a little part of yourself that people don’t normally see. But, if you don’t- if you don’t really know yourself, then they think you’re lying… I think that’s my problem.” 

I reached out and took her hand, comforting her for being vulnerable.

“I’ve been lying for so long that… I don’t even know what the truth is anymore.”

“I don’t want to lie to anybody,” Widmark said. 

I laughed a little bit, “No, you don’t Widmark.”

Sophie stood and approached him, “You don’t have to Widmark. What you need to do is you just have to go out there, and be Widmark. Just tell the truth, be who you really are. If you can do that, then I promise you, people will believe in you.”

“Just like we believe in you.” I smiled at him as Sophie and I both exited the bathroom. 

We rendezvoused with Eliot backstage. 

“Widmark okay?”

“Guess we’re about to find out,” Sophie answered. 

The lights dimmed in the auditorium, signaling the show was about to start. Hardison told us on comms that the safe he cracked was empty, cleaned out, giving us a problem, where was the money?

“Hate to tell you this, but that ain’t our biggest problem right now,” Eliot replied.

I turned to him, “What do you mean?”

He pulled me closer to where he was standing and subtly pointed to where he was looking. Above the auditorium stood a man who looked awfully like the drawing Parker made. 

“We got company,” Eliot said. “How’d he know Fowler was gonna be here? Only ones who knew were us and the FBI.”

“Yeah, and Fowler himself,” Nate said. “Maybe we were wrong, maybe Fowler isn’t the target.”

“Then who?” Parker asked, then had to recover as she was still technically talking to the FBI agent.

“His FBI handlers. Fowler arranged to have them killed. He’s about to run,” Nate concluded.

“No man,” Hardison rebuffed, “there’s no way he could arrange that. He’s under house arrest. No phone calls, no internet, they’re even reading his mail. How could he arrange a hitman?”

“Let’s ask him,” Eliot answered. He was tracking his movements in the rafters, and pointed me over to Sophie to be a bit out of the way which I obliged. 

“Feds confiscated his cell phone,” Hardison said, “They didn’t take Widmarks.”

“Really?” I asked, “What a jerk, he yelled at Widmark for losing that… Can Eliot punch Fowler when this is over? Can I?”

“No,” Nate replied. 

“Maybe,” Eliot responded.

“Fowler’s getaway explains the empty safe,” Nate continued, ignoring us, “whatever cash he had on him, he took with him. And… I think I know where to look.”

“Wait,” Parker interjected, “Didn’t you search Fowler before he left?” She asked the agent.

“Of course, nothing on him except for that camera and some tapes.”

“Yeah, well there’s something in that bag, or on those tapes,” Nate insisted. “Sophie, y/n, can you swipe it?”

Sophie was on stage, “yes, I’m a little bit busy here.”

“You want me to do what?” I asked, I was still backstage where it was loud and I couldn’t believe what he was asking me, “I’m making my way to you.”

“Has anybody seen Widmark?” Sophie asked. 

“Sophie, the job’s over,” Nate said. “What happens from here on is not our concern. We have other priorities”

“No way, no, no. The clinic isn’t the only victim here, I didn’t prop up this boy, just to see him fail. No way. I’m not letting that happen.”

Eliot engaged with the hitman and I tried to ignore the commotion in my ear. 

“Uh, Nate?” Hardison said, “This phone has sent a bunch of text messages in the last forty-eight hours to some guy named Skylar.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Skylar’s a kid at this school.”

“Why would Fowler be texting a middle schooler?”

I made my way around the auditorium and stood beside Nate, “what do you want me to do?”

He held his hand up, “Nothing now.” He was looking in the audience, specifically at Skylar’s dad, “he wasn’t texting Skylar, he was texting Skylar’s dad.”

I watched as the man in question walked up towards the stage with a camera. He stumbled and picked up the camera bag next to Fowler, dropping his own. 

“Mark Sanford’s an accomplice,” Nate said, “He set up the gunman. He just traded bags with Fowler.”

Hardison wasn’t having it, “No, man. Why would Sanford help Fowler? Isn’t he one of the guys who invested with him?”

I heard Widmark over the comms, “sorry I’m late.”

Sophie responded before putting him on stage, “no, no, you’re right on time.”

Eliot was still fighting the gunman backstage of which Sophie wasn’t happy about.

“Keep it off the stage, you’re gonna ruin his big finale!”

I laughed to myself as I could almost hear Eliot’s eyeroll. 

Nate turned to me after Widmark finished his song, of which he did quite well in, and everyone was distracted by the standing ovation, “Wait here.” He walked down the aisle and grabbed the bag by Fowler with the hook of his cane before returning to me. 

We turned the corner before opening the bag.

“Ah,” Nate said, looking inside, “Hardison, are you near your computer? I need you to check a name for me.”

“Go ahead.”

“Doug Fineman” Nate said as he opened up a passport from the bag, it had Fowler’s face, but clearly not his name. “Sanford is providing Fowler with a new identity, and a new life waiting for him in…”

I looked over his shoulder, “Bogota?”

Eliot and Sophie grabbed Sanford and took the bag that was previously Fowler’s. Sophie seemed to find something she liked in it and placed it in a tape player, playing it through the entire auditorium.

Out came Sanford’s voice, “I’m just saying you can’t make the returns too consistent. Ten percent growth every year, no matter what the market does? The SEC is going to ask questions.”

Then Fowler replied on tape, “Let me worry about the SEC work.”

“But we have to be careful.”

“My job is to buy off the regulators, your job is to bring in new money. Now this whole thing goes off the rails when you stop doing your job!”

By now Fowler was trying to run through the crowd away from the FBI handlers in the audience. I took the opportunity to step in front of him with my foot outstretched a bit further than necessary, effectively tripping him.

“Oh, Mr. Fowler I’m so sorry,” I apologized with an overt sweetness as the agent handcuffed him.

“Where do you think you’re going?” the agent asked him.

Nate approached from behind me with the bag, offering it to the agent, “ja, ja… He dropped this. All of this. I thought his name was Fowler. I don’t know.” 

Once the agent took it Nate shrugged and took my arm guiding me away with the illusion of me helping him walk along with his cane. 

It sounded like backstage was taken care of with Sandford as the other agent arrested him. The agent made an attempt at flirting with Parker again while doing so, which made me smile. He was cute, I’d give him that, but the things he doesn’t know, especially about Parker, and a certain hacker…

The clinic stayed open, to everyone’s pleasure. I heard that Fowler’s wife and Widmark even worked there. Hopefully he had a better life ahead of him.

Tags: @isoldeahlstrom @kniselle

[secret-diary-of-an-fa]

Doctor Who: Empire of Death Review (Sutekh is, and I Don't Say this Lightly, a BAD DOG)

Here we are: the conclusion to an eight episode run that’s given us such memorable villains as The Slugs That Didn’t Move While On Camera and Cos-Playing Murder-Owls. Look, I said ‘memorable’ not ‘compelling’. In fairness, it also gave us Jinkx Monsoon hamming it up as the deranged deity of music, Maestro, but the more I think about The Devil’s Chord, the more annoyed I become that it got permission to use the Beatles and then only gave 50% of them speakin’ lines, so I don’t want to dwell on it. This time, the Doctor is facing Sutekh, the god of death, who looks a lot more like a jackal in this episode than he did in The Legend of Ruby Sunday (where he looked suspiciously mouse-like from some angles). And, spoiler alert, he’s the best thing in it. Within a few minutes of the episode opening, he’s turned the entire population of Earth to dust, hijacked the TARDIS to serve as his temple and revealed that he’s been following in the Doctor’s wake for countless millennia in order to plant his sleeper agents on every planet the Time Lord has ever visited. As a result, the entire universe falls to his ‘Death Wave’ and reality dies a tragic (and surprisingly sandy) death. Great! That’s a Doctor Who villain worthy of the finale. But how’s the rest of it?

Well, it’s nice that the Doctor actually gets to do things in this episode: seeking out metal in a dead universe order to create an interface that will let him look backwards in time; hunting down Ruby’s mother because Sutekh can’t see her and she might, therefore, be the key to unravelling his dominion, and finally trapping the god of death in a death-trap of his own, “bringing death to death” and therefore reversing all his little shenanigans. For quite a lot of this season (the murder-owls episode and bits of Boom being the exception) his role has been providing exposition and then crying in a corner. For the entirety of the giant slugs one he was reduced to a floating VT in a holographic box, except at the end when he showed up in person to have a good scream and a weep over how stupid and self-defeating racism is. Not so much Doctor Who as Doctor Boohoo, amiright? Oh, fuck off. I’ll write better puns when you start paying me and not a minute sooner. I also liked the Doctor’s solution to the Sutekh problem itself: dragging him through the Time Vortex on a specialised bungee like a bad dog being dragged home from the park, using his death-energy to bring life until he straight-up fucking disintegrates. It’s just the right combination of silly and bad-ass and suits the general tone of Who very well.

I’m not a fan, however, of the stupid bloody speech he gives while doing it, in which he bangs on about how he represents life and killing Sutekh is a violation of his moral code that he has been driven to only by extremis. Piss off. The Doctor kills people with frankly sociopathic frequency. The first thing this incarnation did after parting ways with Fourteen was impale a giant goblin on the spike of a church (which is murder and desecration-of-a-religious-building at once). Peter Capaldi’s Twelve once shot a fellow Time Lord in the head and acted like regeneration was just man-flu, when we know very well it’s a kind of dying and rebirth. He also might have pushed a cyborg out of a balloon to fall to his death. Eleven used post-hypnotic suggestion to convince the entire human race to slaughter the Silence on sight, planted a missile homing beacon on some dude’s ship, blew up a planet-full of Cybermen and fed a completely different god of death potential memories until he imploded. Ten once tricked Mark Gatiss into falling off a tall building (though, in fairness, he wasn’t Mark Gatiss at the time: he was a big lizard-thing). Nine engineered the deaths of the Slitheen, the Jagrofess and the Last Human without a second thought. And that’s just the ones from the modern series that I can think of off the top of my head. Give me an hour on Google and I could come up with more (though it is weird, in retrospect, to realise just how trigger-happy Eleven was). I think it speaks to a bigger problem with Who at the moment: Americanisation. See, American morality is more Kantian; more dependent on rigid, inflexible rules (which is fucking weird for a nation that still practices the barbarism of the death penalty, by the way). Whereas British morality is typically more utilitarian; more predicated on what will do the most practical good in any given situation and therefore laced with innumerable grey areas. The Doctor suddenly being uncomfortable with killing feels like Disney’s influence at work: an attempt to sand down his more alien and hostile edges to make him palatable to an American audience (who originally got into the show because it was a slice of British culture that they couldn’t get from their own country’s entertainment industry. Look, let me put it this way: As a Brit, I don’t watch anime to see British values and ideals recapitulated, I watch it because I find it refreshing to encounter the heroic ideals of a different culture that doesn’t think the way my own culture does. Same thing).

I’m also not best pleased with the plot holes. Ruby meets her mum at the end and it’s revealed that she’s just… some rando. The explanation we get for why Sutekh couldn’t see her is that her identity and absence were of such critical importance to Ruby that they somehow twisted the universe and made her important. Which would be fine, except that only makes sense if Ruby is some sort of cosmic being with reality-bending powers. But if her mum is just some rando (and her dad’s a feckless adolescent, as it turns out), how can she be a cosmic being with reality-bending powers? Was it her time in the TARDIS? No, because the Doctor’s genuinely surprised by her (apparently unrelated ability) to make it fucking snow. If that was the sign of a deeper malaise, you’d think he’d have spent enough time travelling in the TARDIS to spot the signs.

Anyhoo, I’d like to take a moment to address Ncuti Gatwa’s acting. I’ve been saying all season that he’s a good actor and that the show needs to give him more to do with his talents than get all teary-eyed and spout expository dialogue (my phrasing has not, however, been that concise). Now I get to see him being the Doctor, really for the only time aside from Rogue (Boom doesn’t count: it was amazing, but our hero was stranded on a landmine from beginning to end, which limited the scope of things he could do quite a lot). The point is that, while I’m still convinced there’s a good actor in there somewhere, there’s also something missing that each episode director has failed to request and Gatwa has failed to provide spontaneously. I’m talking about something that’s going to sound stupid until you think about it: superfluous movement. Nine, Ten and Eleven (also Fourteen) were constantly in motion; constantly reacting to their environment and interacting with the set in interesting way, whether it was Christopher Eccleston picking up and toying with the random detritus of human culture or David Tenant constantly fiddling with technology, striding off purposefully at the drop of a hat (sometimes in the wrong direction) and just general projecting physicality, or even Matt Smith bouncing around the whole set and occasionally breaking bits off it, the Doctor’s always felt like a being with a lot of energy. Twelve was stiffer and more rigid in his movements, but that was a specific part of his characterisation: he was older, grumpier, more worn-down. Gatwa’s fifteen, however, is characterised as breezy and bombastic… but he never moves more than the script calls for. It’s hard to spot at first: you just have a vague sense that something isn’t right here, but once you’ve realised what it is that’s up, you can’t unsee it. He reacts and interacts only as literally demanded by the script. There’s no superfluous tics, no kinetic flourishes, no playfulness in how he responds to each environment… and it makes both him and the worlds he visits feel flatter and less alive. I don’t want to blame him too much for it: it might be that the show costs so much to make now that he’s been told to be careful and not risk breaking anything, but it is a problem and it reaches its apotheosis in The Empire of Death. Simply put, David Tenant could make a ball-game on a roof feel like a battle for the fate of the world, but even when Gatwa is dragging Sutekh through the Time Vortex and reality is being ripped open around them, his movements are so economical and rehearsed it’s impossible to forget you’re watching a telly show. You feel nothing. Or I didn’t anyway. Maybe you’re less sensitised to this sort of thing than I am. I do watch a lot of media and know a lot about how it gets made, which means I pick up on issues other people miss. So, er, mileage may vary.

Overall, I did quite enjoy Empire of Death. It’s solid enough cosmic fiction, but is also has that ‘first draft’ quality that turned me against The Star Beast. Everything in it is good enough, but no better. I wonder, maybe, if the root of the problem is RTD himself just taking on too large a portion of the writing duties. Running a show and writing scripts for a show are two very difficult, very demanding jobs, which is why the Showrunner usually farms out a lot of the script-writing to people who have the time and energy to do it well. This also leaves the Showrunner free to focus their own writing efforts on the episodes that really matter. For example, would Empire of Death have been better, if RTD hadn’t stretched himself thin personally scribing Dot and Bubble and The Devil’s Chord? Almost certainly.

Here’s hoping he learns how to delegate in time for Gatwa’s second season. And that they start using sets the actors are allowed to actually interact with.

PS. The new sonic screwdriver is rubbish. It looks like a TV remote fucked the Starship Enterprise. I hadn't mentioned that yet, so there ya go.

[the-golden-comet]

Headcanon Rating Tag

Thank you for tagging me, @autism-purgatory , @fortunatetragedy , @willtheweaver , and @corinneglass ! ✨

Rules: use this headcanon generator to generate a few statements about your OCs. Then, rate these statements on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being the least accurate and 10 being the most accurate

Peter:

Peter forgets to eat sometimes. 7/10

He makes sure his crew is well fed, but sometimes neglects his own needs, even offering some of his own portions to other crewmates.

Peter has been to prison. 9/10

Only as a child, but back in Port Mayor he’d get caught and arrested all the time. He’d either get brought home to his mother in metal cuffs, or spend nights in the slammer with a very stern Officer Ralph.

Peter's favorite color is pink. 2/10

Peter’s favorite color is Gold.✨

Benjamin:

Benjamin is a youngest child. 5/10

Benjamin is an only child, but is the youngest member of the crew.

Benjamin has an incredible spice tolorance. 1/10

Spices would absolutely make him faint.

Benjamin has chronic nightmares. 10/10

Poor prince….

Ali:

Ali likes being alone. 1/10

Ali is an extrovert. He thrives on interactions with others (and he’s been in solitude for several centuries)

Ali set a public school on fire and got away with it. 3/10

If he does, it would absolutely be an accident, and he would do everything to stop the fire and make sure the children are safe.

Ali has an incredible short-term memory but an awful long-term memory. 1/10

Dude has a memory bank of thousands of years.

Noah

Noah has not showered in two and a half weeks. 4/10

Noah tries to keep clean, but due to his stress and anxiety, some days that doesn’t happen. You’re doing your best, king.

Noah does not know what sleep is. 10/10

He ends up passing out at his computer 9 times out of 10, and Ali has to bring him to bed.

Noah got hit by a bus once. 1/10

If it would have happened on campus, he’d get tuition remission for the year. (At the cost of being in the hospital, so it would have evened out in the end 🫠)

+open tag for anyone else who is interested 💛✨

[zodiyack]

YOURE WELCOME TO DISAGREE THIS IS JUST WHAT MY SIBLING AND I TALKED ABOUT AND AGREED ON.

what we think about the gayness of stranger things~

Billy

Okay, billy is like... Well we headcannon him as overprotective but just going about it the wrong way due to his father. Mans acts out because it's a trauma response. I suggested that he doesn't like commitment because his father settled down twice and became abusive. (Not once did billy lay a hand on any of the women -whilst in control- tho, so he's breaking the cycle). Like he's scared to turn into his dad

We believe he's very obviously straight because of his womanizer tendencies and some other things, but also, that he's most likely on the verge of toxic masculinity (but not quite there) if you were to suggest him to be gay.

He'd probably suddenly get defensive or smth 🤷

Eddie

Okay so Eddie literally spends most of the season with his obsession with Chrissy. The hanky in his pocket was a metal thing. BUT I FEEL LIKE THIS MAN IS JUST COMFORTABLE ENOUGH IN HIS SEXUALITY TO MAKE GAY JOKES.

I feel like he'd experiment just to see what it was like. Maybe pan. That, or my boy is just a straight man with no fucks given.

Probably would be the type to have a gf but giggle and play along if someone asked if him and his friend were a gay couple.

Steve

Bro isn't straight or gay, he's just mom. He's a milf.

All jokes aside, I feel like Steve favors the female gaze- the show and his consistent oggling of women makes me think this, but also would be more comfortable in his sexuality if he was in close friend group.

Would be super like "nah bro" if he didn't know you well enough, but the second he does he'd probably go "i mean, I'd kiss a dude just to try it."

Regardless he's still mommy.

Nancy

Poor girl has dealt with so many shitty men, I literally would not be surprised if she just- switched sides.

Definitely started out as straight, but girlie got to experience men on an extreme and probably is just fed up at this point. We both agreed that she likely would at least be bi with a preference to women.

Robin

Boobies.

[kopawz]

happy wip wednesday, my dudes.

the funny dream chapter before the big finale chapter <3 they are not behaving for hospital staff at ALL lmao

Walking back over to their table with two cans, Kale saw that Chai had decided to use 808 as a pillow– He had his arms wrapped around her, and his face was buried in her fake fur. She didn’t seem to mind, and purred contentedly.

“Well… If you don’t feel like leaving,” Kale made an attempt at a regular conversation, “What *does* it feel like?” He sat back down, setting the small can of apple juice beside 808 with a light clank.

He was listing off the bizarre dream conditions on a claw, “Because all of these stupid halls, the constant ringing I hear from your room, that repeating sense of musical dread from your busted player… It’s almost scary, in a way–”

He quickly and seamlessly corrects himself, “To you, I suppose.”

“..Not really,” Chai mumbled from his faceplant, "It’s more like *tedious.*"

Cracking open the cool can of ginger ale, “It is, isn’t it?” Kale stuffed his free hand into his face with a groan, “For one, they don’t let you change out of these stupid clothes they give you. Never bothered to get why, it’s pointless.”

“You don’t have to wear that, you know.” He mumbled from his face-plant in a purring 808.

Chai lifted his head at the sound of metal, “It’s my dream, not yours…” His eyes then widened– “Oh–?” His intense look seemed to have lessened.

He picked the can up, and sat up all the way. Having something to drink made Chai feel better. Asking pointless questions made him feel even more so,

“So, uh…” Chai’s tone became less monotonous and sharp once he noticed and obtained the apple juice, “Yeah,”

He snapped a finger at Kale’s faded, pink hospital shirt-gown, “...Why's yours pink?"

“If they’re going to force me to wear these things,” Kale plucked at the collar of his loose shirt, “I’m choosing whatever color I want… They didn’t have red, so clearly this was the next best option.”

A smile snuck onto Chai’s face, “Aw man– they had different colors? Man, I could've had a cooler shirt this whole time…” He glanced up to meet Kale’s tired expression, “...Wanna switch?”

The negative noise that Kale made was worth the stupid question, “Chai, If I wore the size you do, it would be a crop top. That’s not happening.”

“Fair enough… So– you don’t really like hospitals either?” Tilting his head up at him, Chai cracked open the juice he was given, “I figured you wouldn’t really need to go at all, since you’re practically all cybernetics now.”

Kale unnecessarily opened the can by puncturing the top open with a claw, "Astute to notice, but not entirely correct."

"...What?" That first word kind of flew over Chai’s head.

"I had to visit the hospital an asinine of times before I got this new tool of mine; they had to make sure it went off without a hitch.” He knocked against his own chest, clanking against metal beneath the thin cloth.

He grumbled, huffing out a breath that made his messy bang move from his face for a moment, "Letting somebody else handle my designs to fix the initial problem was a shit idea in retrospect. Never let anybody handle your plans but yourself–"

"Woah, woah woahwoah– wait.” Chai waved his hands out, “There was a problem?"

He squinted at Kale, genuinely confused, "I thought you just got that body because you were, like… dissatisfied or– bored, or… whatever it was you said before."

“I was,” He paused, briefly looking at Chai’s perplexed expression, before looking back to his own tired reflection on the back of the soda can, “I was so fed up that these quacks couldn’t figure out why my body hurt all the time,"

Kale shrugged loosley, as if his following solution was normal, "So, I figured I’d just design a new, better one. It was mostly just ideas, at first– but…”

He gestured at himself, metal and all, “I suppose you can clearly see the finished product at this point.”

Chai’s voice was subdued, “Oh– you were hurting…” But he shook it off quickly, taking a sip of his juice, “From what, exactly?”

"Look, I assume Roxanne’s version of the story was easier to digest for you at the time, but–” He lightly twists at the metal wrist connectors on hands that resembled claws,

"I wouldn’t exactly agree with her in saying I got out completely unscathed. My body looked fine- (still does)– but it didn't *feel* like it after that incident."

"I was informed that because I was 'young' and 'healthy', I would be fine after resting. ...Bullshit," Kale's face soured as he brought the cool can of soda to rest against his own forehead, "I clearly couldn't rest–"

"Too many idiots needed my help sorting things out for them. There was too much academic work ahead of me, and connections I had to make for me to just stop– and waste time waiting for things to get better."

Chai hummed as he took a drink, "And you got so pissed that nobody could fix it, so you just…" He scratched his cheek, unsure why that made sense, "Went and did something about it yourself?..."

“Basically.” Kale nodded, continuing with a twinge of resentment, “I still feel it took far too many visits to get it all done,”

He rolled his eyes as if what he said was a mundane occurrence, and not completely bizarre, “But I suppose with a full-body augmentation, it obviously could only have been done in increments.”

“Right…” Chai slowly nodded along as if this meant anything to him, and held onto the juice can with both hands, "Uh-huh… She said you were fine though–?"

"Oh for fuck’s sake– That was a *lie,* Chai. I was obviously lying to her." He made a frustrated noise, clanking down the soda can onto the table.

"I thought it would just go away eventually, but I was–" Kale stopped, realizing he had revealed way too much about himself in such a short amount of time.

The sound of a soft clock ticking seemed a lot louder and closer inside the cafeteria. Maybe that was just the music. The song was definitely halfway over by now. This might all reset, so nothing he really said mattered, but there was still–

808 and Chai tilted their heads up at Kale, grinning with a hand propped to his cheek, "Buuuut… what?"

He frowned, “I may have been wrong, in one aspect," He spoke quickly, "–But that doesn’t mean–”

Whatever Kale was about to say to try and deflect from his vulnerabilities was interrupted by two things:

[...Please don't say not a single thing,]

One, the lyrics had kicked in for the final verse.

Two, a loud, robotic voice rung out into the cafeteria,

A tall HS-P1, a model dedicated to hospital security, pointed accusingly with a large wing at the two men in hospital clothes– "Those're the patients that escaped!"

Another shorter NUR-53 bot scratched their beaked faceplate nervously, "If you two would head on back with us to your rooms, we can resume your care to help you."

[Nothing but words, anyway.]

Chai, Kale, and 808 looked around to find themselves surrounded in the hospital cafeteria by a gaggle of health-care robots fully intent on doing their jobs.

"Uh… Kale?" Chai stood from his seat, "Is this why you said we had to keep moving?" He glanced around at their new company as 808 leapt into her ball form in anticipation to hover beside him.

Any way out seemed blocked off by a posse of professionals.

"Yes, but–" Kale stood from his own seat, glad to be rid of the previous topic.

[Is this just a blind obsession–]

He picked up the chair, planning on using it as a weapon, "It’s a little too late to run now, don't you think?"

"My thoughts exactly." Chai smiled and flicked out his wrist with a pop– "...Wait–" Only to make a disappointed noise when all he grabbed at was air, "...Where's my–?"

"Any weapons you have on you, they take away– Because apparently we're 'a danger to ourselves and others'." Kale scoffed at the words he had heard from nurses prior, "So, you'll just have to use something else."

Looking at the can of juice he still held, Chai mumbled, "Something else… Well, we *are* in a cafeteria… so–!" He reeled his arm back, aiming for one of the bots.

[Or was it destiny?]

"There’s no need to-" *THONK* NUR-53's pleas for a pacifist route were met with a solid can to the faceplate. The hit was so impactful that the poor bot fizzled with electricity and exploded.

808 grew excited at the idea of a food fight, and un-balled to leap from table to table. She hooked her claws on discarded sandwiches, chip bags, burgers– flinging the appetizing ammo into the faces of robots swarming to try and apprehend her, stunning them.

And a trio of them were sent careening across the cafeteria when Kale practically rammed forward and spearheaded them with the metal legs of a chair– sparks flying.

…Now, all of this senseless destruction looks fun and all, but Chai still lacked a weapon.