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wonderfulworldofmichaelford · 1 year

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Michael After Midnight: The Top 30 Death Scenes in Movies

Death, the only sure thing in life besides taxes, or the government fucking up,or furries being able to draw detailed pornography of a new Pokemon .002 nanoseconds after the 3D models are leaked, or... Okay, there’s a lot of things you can expect in life, but death is the big one, and since no one is making movies about furries lovingly drawing Hatterene’s lips around a cock, it’s what we’re going to be talking about tonight.

There is lots of death in films. There’s cool, cathartic deaths where villains get what’s coming to them; there are sad, tragic deaths that invoke feelings from the audience; there are funny deaths that mine black comedy for all it’s worth; death really just comes in many forms. Tonight, I’ll be highlighting 30 of my favorite deaths, kills, and violent ends from all across cinema, the ones I think are worth mentioning more than any others. Some will make you laugh, some will make you cry, and some might actually make you vomit, so before we start...

TRIGGER WARNING! THIS LIST CONTAINS SOME REALLY GORY DEATHS IN THE IMAGES AND LINKED VIDEOS. THOUGH THEY ARE FICTIONAL, THIS IS YOUR WARNING.

Oh yeah, and since we’re talking about character’s dying, SPOILER ALERT! There is open talking about twists, character fates, and all that throughout!

...And one more thing. The picture up there is just a joke, cuz this is about scenes where people die, and not scenes where Death is the best part. If that were the case, the list would be a lot shorter and the entirety of Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey would be #1, followed by Death’s appearance in Last Action Hero and Death’s appearance in The Adventures of Baron Munchausen. And maybe Christopher Walken in Click.

With that out of the way, let’s make like James A. Janisse and start counting those kills!

30. Make Like a Tree and Leaf

Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July

Good ol’ Rankin-Bass and their fun little holiday specials! They’re always so fun and wholesome, and their villains are always dealt with a non-lethal manner! Haha, look at Winterbolt, how are they going to deal with... Oh. OH GOD. OH HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

29. Take My Breath Away

Help! I’m a Fish

It’s not a really good animated movie without a horrifically fucked up death scene! In a moment of clever trickery, our protagonist tricks Joe (the Alan Rickman fish) to start chugging evolution juice so he can become human, using his own intelligence and ego against him. What Joe doesn’t seem to realize until he’s too late is that humans can’t breathe underwater, and moments after realizing this and assuming a freakish form, he dies and we watch his lifeless corpse float off into the darkness. God I love children’s films.

28. I Don’t Wanna Be the Guy

Spy Kids 3D: Game Over

He’s the ultimate badass. The coolest of the cool. When the Guy, played by Elijah Wood, steps onto the scene, you know shit is about to get real, and-

Oh he’s dead. Never mind.

PRESS R TO TRY AGAIN

27. Oh Deer

Bambi

Before there was Mufasa, there was Bambi’s mom. Much like that iconic parental death from Disney, this is truly a gut punch, a brutal moment of harsh realism punctuating the whimsical forest setting. I think the only reason this is so low is that, as far as Disney parent deaths go, it doesn’t hit quite as hard as Mufasa since she’s killed offscreen. Doesn’t make Bambi’s father’s sad words any less poignant or heartbreaking, though.

26. The Night Gwen Stacy Died

Amazing Spider-Man 2

I shit on this movie all the time, and with good reason; it’s shit. But it has a few really good moments sprinkled throughout (that only piss me off more because you can see the good movie underneath), and the iconic death of Gwen Stacy is certainly one of them. I even like how Peter’s web forms into a little hand as he leaps after and desperately tries to save her, and Garfield’s misery is well-done both here and in his continued story in No Way Home. Now if only the rest of the movie could have been as well done as this scene.

25. You Get What You Fucking Deserve

Joker

What do you get when you put a socially awkward, mentally ill clown with a gun on a talk show that has previously made a mockery of him. Why, you get incredibly tense build up to a brutal kill that solidifies Arthur Fleck’s transformation into the Joker, of course!

24. Sometimes You Penguin, Sometimes You Lose

Batman Returns

Some things really shouldn’t be as emotional as they are. I mean, look at this. This is a bunch of penguins giving a funeral to their deformed master who just dropped dead. This should be ridiculous! And maybe it is a little, but it’s also really tragic and emotionally moving despite itself. This is a man being mourned by the only creatures who ever loved him, who are honoring him in a small way. It really just compounds the tragedy of the character.

23. Your Favorite Scary Movie

Scream

This opening scene is nothing short of iconic. There’s Drew Barrymore, a big name actress, in peril by the killer of the film. There’s some close calls, but of course she gets away to become our main character, right? Wrong. She ends up as dead as her boyfriend in the shocking opening twist, a twist that prepares you for just what sort of film you’re about to watch.

22. Rosebud

Citizen Kane

This might be one of the most iconic opening’s ever put to film. Charles Foster Kane delivers his final words, dies, and sets off the mystery that drives the plot. It really is as simple as that.

21. The Big Hit-ler

Inglourious Basterds

So you’re watching Tarantino’s little WWII fiction movie, and you kind of know what to expect from these sorts of films. No matter what happens, it couldn’t possibly change the outcome we know; Indiana Jones, Captain America, if none of these heroes could alter the course of history, who could? How about a bunch of pissed off Jews with guns and another, equally pissed of Jew who has been plotting to burn the Nazi high command alive in her theater for along while? What ensues is the one rule you’re never supposed to break in a WWII film: Hitler fucking dies, and with his death we get the origin story for the Tarantinoverse.

20. Worthless

The Brave Little Toaster

The Brave Little Toaster is already a movie with plenty of fucked up stuff, but in the big finale we go to a junkyard where numerous sentient cars forlornly reflect on their lives before being smashed into scrap in what is surely the most fucked up and traumatizing scene in the entire film.

19. People Who Died

The Suicide Squad

James Gunn really put the “Suicide” back into “Suicide Squad.” They had to show us they weren’t fucking around this time, so after building up this quirky squad filled with nothing but D-listers (and Harley, Boomerang, and Flag) they proceed to brutally massacre them all. Mongal dies in a helicopter crash, one that shreds Boomerang to pieces; Blackguard gets his entire face blasted off; Javelin is taken down before he can even do anything; and Savant, who you’d expect to be a stone-cold badass since he’s played by frequent Gunn collaborator Michael Rooker, pretty much shits his pants and runs away crying like a baby, and Amanda Waller is having none of that. BOOM! There goes his head, and here comes Jim Carroll’s most famous song over a montage of the Squad’s corpses as the real heroes get ready to rock and roll. It’s the perfect blend of hilarious, fucked up, and genuinely sad.

18. One Death to Rule Them All

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

I almost put in Sauruman’s death from the extended edition, if only because of the fun fact attached to the scene (Christopher Lee helped make the death more realistic because he knew what a man who was stabbed in the back to death would do and would sound like). But as awesome and fun as that is, it’s really inarguable that, in a film filled to the brim with iconic deaths, the one that towers tall above them is old Smeagol’s big dive into Mt. Doom with his Precious, united in his final moments with the only thing he truly cared about. It’s poignant, it’s sad, it’s awesome... and it’s a fitting end for both the ring and the pitiable creature Bilbo Baggins spared all those years ago.

17. Breakin’ the Law

John Wick: Chapter 2

We’ve seen John Wick mow down bad guys for two whole movies, with no one being able to stand in his way. But he has also always followed the rules. So when he shows up at the Continental, ready to confront Santino (who has spent the entire movie ruining his life), you can feel the sheer tension between the two men as that upstart bastard taunts John with what he believes is invulnerability. Everyone else knows that the clock is counting down to his death, and the tension comes from watching as John slowly reaches his breaking point. Lesson learned: Do not fucking taunt the Boogeyman.

16. Did You Hear Steve Jobs Died of Ligma?

Watchmen

Ok, this one has been memed to Hell and back, but this is still one of the most powerful and iconic death scenes in anything ever. Unable to compromise his black-and-white worldview and allow Adrian Veidt to get away with mass murder even if it’s for the greater good, Rorschach basically asks Dr. Manhattan to put him down. Interestingly, he removes his mask, choosing to die as the man Walter Kovacs rather than the vigilante he had spent his years as, in his final moments reclaiming that humanity he’d seemingly lost. The movie also adds Dan witnessing his friend’s death, something that I felt was severely lacking in the comic.

15. Aw, Nuts

Hereditary

If Ari Aster knows how to do one thing well, it’s miserable gut punches that emotionally devastate you. Ignore that twist at the end that makes this death seem like the most absurdly well-prepared series of coincidences. In the moment it happens this is a child being decapitated in a freak accident, her brother driving home in shock with her headless corpse in the back seat, and her mother finding said corpse the next morning and letting out an agonized wail that fades into the funeral.

14. They Did Nazi This Coming

Raiders of the Lost Ark

You could, if you were a boring idiot who hates fun, argue that the whole of Raiders is pointless and if Indy just stayed home the end result would be the same. This argument is stupid for so, so many reasons, but the big reason is if Indy kept his nose out of the Nazi’s business, we wouldn’t have been able to see the most epic Nazi massacre of all time. Like, what did these morons think would happen when they fucked around with a holy Jewish artifact?

13. Choke On ‘Em

Day of the Dead

There’s defiant to the end, and then there’s this. The villainous Captain Rhodes may know he’s quite thoroughly fucked when that swarm of zombies grabs him, but he’s going out taunting his opponents with his last gurgling breath as they rip him apart. Rarely is a death so badass and so cathartic all at once.

12. Deep Trouble

Jaws

This has frequently been cited as one of, if not the most terrifying scenes in cinematic history. It’s really hard to argue with that, honestly. You never see the shark in this scene, only from its point of view, but what you do see is the terrified cries and flailing of Chrissie while she’s being viciously attacked by an unseen force. You have to imagine what the shark is doing to her below. And then she’s pulled under mid-scream? Yeah, I’d be afraid to go into the water too.

11. Oooh, What a Feeling...

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Freddy Krueger has scored a lot of impressive kills over the years, many of them accompanied by cool special effects and awesomely cheesy one liners. But for my money, his best murder was where he demonstrated just how terrifying his power could really be on poor Tina. This is just a cruel, brutal, drawn-out death, and you know Freddy enjoyed every second of it.

10. Hello, Little Friend!

Scarface

Tony Montana refuses to do anything small, and that includes dying. The man snorts a mountain of cocaine and busts out guns blazing for a final confrontation he has no hope of winning, but boy does he go out in style. This is a death for the history books right here.

9. You Shall Not Pass!

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

It almost feels like cheating putting this on here because, duh, Gandalf bounces back from this in a truly epic way. But he still does die for a little bit, even though we don’t see the full extent until the next film. Taken at face value here, Gandalf dies after pulling off the most unbelievably amazing holding the line moment ever put to film. And then the next film tells me, no, he didn’t die there, he actually died later after fighting this big fucking demon all the way from the bottom of the mountain to the top before dropping dead, experiencing some kind of heavenly acid trip, and then coming back strong enough to whoop Christopher Lee’s ass without even trying? The only thing better than a great death is a great death that leads into an even greater rebirth.

8. Shoebert Dip

Who Framed Roger Rabbit

To show how serious Judge Doom is, we had to see the dangers of the Dip first hand. What better way to do that then by taking a cute, cheerful little shoe and dip it in while it wiggles in abject terror? Well I can think of a million better fucking ways that wouldn’t have haunted me for my entire life, but it sure as hell wouldn’t have been quite so memorable.

7. Pride Comes Before the Fall

The Lion King

The one time you wish a cat would land on his feet... and yet, he doesn’t. They call this movie a Hamlet ripoff, but we never see Hamlet’s dad bite the big one like we do with Mufasa. For a lot of people, this is one of the first big tearjerkers of their childhood, and it’s hard to deny that Mufasa’s death still stings today.

6. You like Huey Lewis and the News?

American Psycho

This scene has gone down in legend as one of the most memeable moments in a film that has spawned a ridiculous amount of memes. Everything about it is amazing, from Bale’s absolutely batshit performance to the awesome music to that amazing spray of blood on his face at the end. But the real cherry on top of the sundae here is the victim, who is played by one Jared Leto. Watching Jared Leto die is a gift in and of itself.

5. Thumbs Up

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

This is truly a powerful moment, where Arnold’s machine decides to sacrifice himself to preserve a better future for John and his mother. With this final, simple gesture, he truly showcases how even a machine can learn to be human, and helps solidify the hopeful message about how we choose our own destinies and that nothing is set in stone. No amount of crappy sequels can ever diminish just how moving and awesome this scene is.

4. Wet & Wild, Part 1

Psycho

Perhaps the greatest halfway plot switch of all time, this is perhaps one of cinema’s most iconic murders. Even people who have never seen this film have likely stumbled across an homage or parody of this moment. An underrated component is how we really don’t see all too much; most of the damage is left to our imagination, with only brief flashes of the stabbing and screams filling in the blanks for you.

3. Wet & Wild, Part 2

The Wizard of Oz

Ever since this death, witches have feared bath time. It’s not foreshadowed at all, it really comes off as an ass pull, but do you really care? It’s so fun and iconic, and fits the fantastical, corny tone of the film perfectly. The Wicked Witch’s pitiful cries of “I’m melting!” are sure to embed themselves in your head forever, too. This just goes to show pulling ideas out of your ass isn’t always a bad thing.

2. Here Comes the Sun

Nosferatu

Out of all the deaths on this list, this one might be the single most important death in cinematic history. Every single vampire killed by the sun owes everything to this, this moment pulled out of the director’s ass so they could have the bad guy die. But as far as ass pulls go, it’s hard to change something that literally redefined pop culture as we know it. This one really changed the game for all time, but there’s one death that, while perhaps not quite as historically significant, is just overall better on every level...

1. There Goes My Hero

The Other Guys

This may seem like an odd choice. Over The Wizard of Oz? Over Psycho? This scene from a comedy from the start of the 2010s? Well, let me break it down for you.

This scene is perhaps the greatest subversion of expectations of all time. You’ve seen a million cowboy cop action movies with badasses who don’t play by the rules and accomplish impossible feats. Hell, the movie these guys are in is one; an attack chopper is taken down by golfers, for crying out loud! And then you have the casting choices for Danson and Highsmith, Samuel L. Jackson and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, two of the most badass men in Hollywood who have made careers out of playing unstoppable forces of nature. So when you have all of this coming together, all of this right there in front of you, when The Rock says “Aim for the bushes” and they make that 20 story leap and Foo Fighters starts playing, you believe that they will defy the odds and for a second you don’t even question it.

And then they hit the pavement and die.

This is the single funniest death in any comedy movie and, and I want to be clear I am 100% serious when I say this, it is the greatest moment in cinematic history, period. I have never seen another moment in a movie that is just so undeniably perfect in every way, from actor choice to song choice to the comedic timing of when the song cuts off. It’s just the highest form of art.

#michael after midnight #list #death #movie deaths

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meilas · 1 year

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Heeled footwear

Audios:

Broadway: January 12, 1998-Ted Keegan, Adrienne McEwen, Gary Mauer May 10, 2003-Hugh Panaro, Lisa Vroman, John Cudia August 1, 2022-Jeremy Stolle (u/s), Julia Udine, Bronson Norris Murphy (u/s) August 11, 2022-Jeremy Stolle (u/s), Elizabeth Welch (u/s), Bronson Norris Murphy (u/s) March 6, 2023-Laird Mackintosh (u/s, final), Julia Udine, Paul Schaefer (t/r) Broadway Series: July 26, 2002-James Romick, Adrienne McEwen, Michael Shawn Lewis US Tour+San Francisco Production: December 20, 1997-Christopher Carl, Karen Culliver, Martin Lewis Exact date unknown, 1998-Franc D'Ambrosio, Lisa Vroman, Christopher Carl January 27, 1998-Franc D'Ambrosio, Karen Culliver, Christopher Carl February 17, 1998-Franc D'Ambrosio, Bonnie Rapp (u/s), Christopher Carl July 1, 1998-Franc D'Ambrosio, Lisa Vroman, Christopher Carl January 3, 1999-Franc D'Ambrosio, Lisa Vroman, Christopher Carl (Final performance of the San Francisco production) December 21, 2002-Tim Martin Gleason (u/s), Rebecca Pitcher, Dan Callaway (u/s) February 1, 2004-Gary Mauer, Elizabeth Southard, Peter Lockyer (u/s)

US Tour, Lion King: May 24, 2023-Gerald Ramsey (Mufasa) Peter Hargrave (Scar) Christin Byrdsong (Simba)

Videos:

Phantom of the Opera: US Broadway: 1995-Davis Gaines, Tracey Shayne, Ciaran Sheehan US Tour: April 3, 2005-Gary Mauer, Elizabeth Southard, Tim Martin Gleason US Tour: June 4, 2006-Gary Mauer, Elizabeth Southard, Jim Weitzer

#phantom of the opera #poto #lion king #tlk #the lion king musical

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corner-stories · 2 years

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the cat and the kitten

Ted Grant. Courtney Whitmore. Johnny Tyler.

Babysitting. Lunch Time. Bookstore Incidents.

607 words.

(ao3.)

Ted Grant was no stranger to challenges. He had trained multiple metahumans, went up against god-level threats, and even aided in saving the universe a few times.

So in theory babysitting for an afternoon should be a piece of cake.

While Ted held a four month old infant in one arm, he used his free hand to take a mug of warm water from the microwave. As he placed a formula bottle in the cup to warm up, little Jonathan Jason Tyler babbled in his grasp.

“Yeah, yeah, kiddo, just a few more minutes,” Ted said in the softest voice he could muster — which frankly, still sounded like a whale with a sore throat. “Yer lunch is almost ready.”

It was not that no one else was available to babysit — heck, Jay had a tendency to drop anything he was doing to make time for the kid. It was just that Ted and Johnny had a rather special connection.

Technically, Johnny Tyler was the entire Justice Society’s honorary baby brother/cousin/grandchild, but he seemed to gravitate towards the old man in the cat suit the most. Somehow the arms of his beloved Grandpa Ted was one of the few things that could quell the sound of his crying, aside from the embrace of his parents.

Courtney couldn’t take her eyes off the scene. As she sat near the kitchen counter she whipped out her phone and snapped a quick photo of Wildcat tending to his honorary grandson.

After Courtney sent the picture to the JSA group chat — which pretty much only consisted of her and Maxine’s 3AM ramblings — Ted gave her a glare.

“Do you have to take pictures of everything?” he said, holding his index finger above Johnny’s head so the infant could try to grasp it.

“Jesse and Rick will appreciate it,” Courtney said, smiling. “You can never have too many baby photos.”

Ted grumbled and tried to focus on feeding the little one. “Alright, but be careful who you share that with. I got a rep to keep, y’know?”

Courtney rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

After a few moments, Ted took the bottle of formula out of the water. Once made sure the milk was at an optimal temperature, he fed Johnny his lunch, which the infant was eager to drink. Judging by how ravenous the little one could be with the bottle it was clear that he took after his Grandpa Ted in a way that no one expected.

He wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but Ted was excited to see Johnny grow up. No one knew for sure which one of his parent’s legacies he would take after, so in the meantime Ted would invite him into the ring (when he was ready) to teach him to fight. Training the son of Jesse Quick and Hourman would be a day for the history books.

Courtney got up from the table and approached the cat and the kitten. When Johnny finished his bottle and Ted took it away, Courtney ran her hands through the wispy blond strands on the kid’s head.

“Why don’t you take a break, Ted?” Courtney offered. “Go hit the bag or something, I’ll take little Johnny off your hands.”

Immediately, Ted shook his head. “Oh no.” He adjusted his grasp on the baby and held the little one with both arms. “Listen, Court, it’s not that I don’t trust you, but Jesse and Rick gave me specific instructions to not leave Johnny with anyone involved in the ‘Bookstore Incident.’”

Courtney grumbled. “That was one time, Ted! It’s not like Maxine and I left him in a car!”

#courtney whitmore #ted grant #jesse chambers #rick tyler #jsa #johnny tyler #dc #stargirl #wildcat #it's like mufasa and baby simba #i reread some of my old JSA comics and i forgot how much i love this team

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oopmily · 3 years

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dads who just want to teach their kids and be good fathers i love

see: Atticus Finch, Professor Utonium, Ted Shackleford, Mufasa, Olive Penderghast’s dad, Alfred Pennyworth (he is bruce wayne’s dad fuck you), Marlin from Nemo, Liam Neeson’s character from Love Actually, Glamrock Freddy from FNAF, Hopper from Stranger Things

#i will be updating this as i think of more dads being dads #atticus finch #professor utonium #ted shackleford #mufasa #olive penderghast #alfred pennyworth #marlin nemo

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salsakiyoomi · 3 years

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yk like everytime i see something in a post about "whispering confessions to eachother" while most would think i love yous and im in love with yous, i think of 'i killed mufasa'

#no bc imagine having a really romantic moment with your partner and then they say that #or like 'im the one who ate the last pizza slice #why am i like this man 😭#i killed mufasa #ok but like #thats hilarious af #ted talks

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thelooneytums · 5 years

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So I'm thinking about the scene in Lion King when Mufasa all like "Simba everything the light touches is our kingdom" and in my head I'm like you know that's kinda like your inner peace/light and who you choose to share it with.

DON'T GO SHARING YOUR LIGHT WITH THOSE WHO AIN'T WORTHY!! Trifling ass hyena-esque people.

Be selfish from time to time. A cup can only pour out so much before it's empty.

Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk.

#self care #mood #lion king #random thoughts #quotes #movie quotes #simba #mufasa #in your orbit #good quotes #good vibes #ted talk

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rexelectus · 3 years

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• — || Ardyn is Scar, Regis is Mufasa, Noctis is Simba, Luna is Nala, Ignis is Zazu. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

#• ooc || taea watches Disney movies ☺️💛#● off the throne || ooc

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pettynam · 2 years

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Biko

Willet

Dallon Wheeks

Askari

Baguette

Waffle

Baliyo

Woodson

Linkers

Sage

Sausage

Feta

Sâhasí

Midnight

Growler

Pancake

Critter

Kugabu

Taco

Sixtus

Renatus

Ignatius

Little King Trashmouth

El Diablo

Janja

Genji

Lykoi

Gir

Zim

Coffee Bean

Uncle Max

Yogi

Turbo

Lutra Lutra

Moo Moo

Blinkin

Niall

Mango

Aslan

Koi

Frog King

Akkoro Kamui

Kuchi Kopi

Scottjon Dansteve

Big Ben

Dumbledore

Toboggan

Chubs

Taj

Lionel

Hans

Hendrix

Colonel Fluffers

Kestrel

Aang

Skip Marooch

Pesto

Ridge

Sparrow

Sphinx

Uncle Feathers

Harrison

Wilder

Zev

The Beaver

Wagstaff

Meadowlark

Lautoro

Heron

Dr. Ernest Hawk

Gannet

Kojima

Money Goose

Syrup

Mr. Cow

Jaribu

Wiko

Chumvi

Lance

Mr. Pinecone

Pine

Meadow

Sudeikis

McConkey

Zazu

Apollo

Aspen

Caspian

Rafiki

Dove

Buddah

Clover

Namaste

Ghandi

Drew P. Neck

Pickles

Cheese

Fromage

Bat Broom Mr. Flapjack

James Van Der Beak

Armisen

Rust Stain

Mr. Fishsticks

Appa

Zox

Simba

Pumbaa

Scar

Mufasa

Jackknife

Gator

Rosewood

Carlo

Peregrine

Sphenoid

Incus

Mr. Bear

Moon

Thorax

Ozuru

Ortega

Paco

Jericho

Bosco

Starling

Bruno

Zorobabel

Norbert

Ted Leo

Kyro

Sparrow

Letchworth

Zamir

Talon

Remus

Clarence

Percy

Puppy

Albus

Goigoi

Dogo

Ivo

Artemis

Pudge

Zito

Octavian

Ziga

King Sokwe

Majinuni

Shujaa

Kiazi

Pãgala

Bob Burger

Krud'dha

Burger

Bambun

Ajabu

Abu

Kambuni

Domog

Bogino

Kifaru

Young Rhino

Bupu

Boboka

Hitashi

Nabasu

Kwato

Masikio

Kongwe

Azaad

Moose

Old Civet

Tompok

Makuu

Hadithi

Art

Seisou

Yun Mibu

Pete Zaparti

Binga

Flint

Kopa

Echo

Happy

Shark

Kinyonga

Mapigano

Kitendo

Valentine

Loki

Zucker

Bird

Rain

Calum

Crawford

Chai

Grover

Rex

Crow

Lotus

Lyman

Benjiro

Ichiro

North

Kazuo

Ringo

Vail

Oricorio

Pumpkaboo

Rockruff

Bernie

Skiddo

Keldeo

Zekrom

Rufflet

Bear

Pablo

Montero

Abel

Shauku

Vullaby

Cubchoo

Beartic

Sawsbuck

Vincent

Deerling

Roserade

Rampardos

Luxio

Piplup

Sealeo

Walrein

Whiscash

Swablu

Spinda

Torkoal

Wailord

Vigoroth

Wingull

Swellow

Taillow

Luicolo

Zigzagoon

Stantler

Houndour

Houndoom

Mantine

Octillery

Corsola

Qwilfish

Quagsire

Sunflora

Jumpluff

Skiploom

Sudowoodo

Azumarill

Bellossom

Xatu

Crobat

Chinchou

Onyx

Noctowl

Furret

Quilava

Seaking

Horsea

Fred

Quintillius

Tulius

Gopher

Baton

Murph

Gulliver

Pidgey

Barack

Greene

Rutherford

Wailmer

Kylo

Sharpedo

Keith Moon

Hugo

Ned the Elephant

Little Jimmy

Horace

Kovu

Lake

Meadow

Tarintino

Remington

Lobo

Static

Elon

Ludo

Hornsby

Roscoe

Rocco

Aliki

Cousteau

Quillson

Bones

Mjomba

Goose

Inkwell

Jairo

Mr. Business

Indigo

Croque

Frobert

Ribbot

Wart Jr

Quint

Ezra

Quentin

Forrest

Enzo

Leland

River

Dalton

Oscar

Gus

Dallon

Silas

Draper

Irving

Judah

Emmett

Isaac

Basil

Walter

Wilbur

Miles

Jasper

Adam

Beau

Warren

Leif

Ronan

Cedric

Levi

Cecil

Atlas

Edgar

Finn

Leo

Rowan

Romeo

Everett

Keith

Lucius

Remus

Bruno

Lowell

Arden

Horatio

Ike

Winston

Rudy

Keaton

Errol

Bjørn

Rory

Valentino

Emerson

Ross

Servius

Sven

Dexter

Gem

Julio

Dorian

Gustav

Oskar

Cyril

Felix

Peep

Speedy the Snail

Boss Beaver

Toucan Dan

Rabbit

Gonzo

Fletcher

Denali

#boys

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incorrect-oldstar-quotes · 3 years

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I recently rewatched Lilo & Stitch, and all I could think was how much Jumbaa and Pleakley reminded me of Laurel and Hardy. Then it made me think which other Disney characters would match each Comedian. I pondered over Dopey, Peter Pan, and Genie as Harpo, Chico, and Groucho. The 3 Stooges maybe as Huey, Dewey, and Louie? What do you think?

I totally agree with all of those!

The Stooges are the baby ducks, and maybe Ted Healy is like their Donald?

Charlie and Edna have Mickey and Minnie vibes.

The princes would most definitely be Jimmy, Harold, and Buster. Zeppo would be kind of a prince but more so the Flynn Rider type.

Thelma would be Cinderella, Minta would be Snow White, Alice would be Belle, and Mabel would be Sleeping Beauty.

Although with a few detail changes, Roscoe reminds me of Mufasa and Al reminds me of Simba, definitely in the sense of their real-life familial relationship and the way that Roscoe mentored Al into the film industry.

Shemp is harder to pin down: I’m stuck between Goofy, Jiminy Cricket, and Olaf.

(Also, I do apologize for sitting on this for so long. It’s been a hectic couple of days.)

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arcticdementor · 4 years

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Something strange happened to the news over the past four years. The dominant stories all resembled the scripts of bad movies—sequels and reboots. The Kavanaugh hearings were a sequel to the Clarence Thomas hearings, and Russian collusion was rebooted as Ukrainian impeachment. Journalists are supposed to hunt for good scoops, but in January, as the coronavirus spread, they focused on the impeachment reality show instead of a real story.

It’s not just journalists. The so-called second golden era of television was a decade ago, and many of those shows relied on cliff-hangers and gratuitous nudity to hold audience attention. Across TV, movies, and novels it is increasingly difficult to find a compelling story that doesn’t rely on gimmicks. Even foundational stories like liberalism, equality, and meritocracy are failing; the resulting woke phenomenon is the greatest shark jump in history.

Storytelling is central to any civilization, so its sudden failure across society should set off alarm bells. Culture inevitably reflects the selection process that sorts people into the upper class, and today’s insipid stories suggest a profound failure of this sorting mechanism.

…

Culture is larger than pop culture, or even just art. It encompasses class, architecture, cuisine, education, manners, philosophy, politics, religion, and more. T. S. Eliot charted the vastness of this word in his Notes towards the Definition of Culture, and he warned that technocratic rule narrowed our view of culture. Eliot insisted that it’s impossible to easily define such a broad concept, yet smack in the middle of the book he slips in a succinct explanation: “Culture may even be described simply as that which makes life worth living.” This highlights why the increase in “deaths of despair” is such a strong condemnation of our dysfunction. In a fundamental way, our culture only exists to serve a certain class. Eliot predicted this when he critiqued elites selected through education: “Any educational system aiming at a complete adjustment between education and society will tend to restrict education to what will lead to success in the world, and to restrict success in the world to those persons who have been good pupils of the system.”

This professional managerial class has a distinct culture that often sets the tone for all of American culture. It may be possible to separate the professional managerial class from the ruling elite, or plutocracy, but there is no cultural distinction. Any commentary on an entire class will stumble in the way all generalizations stumble, yet this culture is most distinct at the highest tiers, and the fuzzy edges often emulate those on the top. At its broadest, these are college-educated, white-collar workers whose income comes from labor, who are huddled in America’s cities, and who rise to power through existing bureaucracies. Bureaucracies, whether corporate or government, are systems that reward specific traits, and so the culture of this class coalesces towards an archetype: the striving bureaucrat, whose values are defined by the skills needed to maneuver through a bureaucracy. And from the very beginning, the striving bureaucrat succeeds precisely by disregarding good storytelling.

…

Professionals today would never self-identify as bureaucrats. Product managers at Google might have sleeve tattoos or purple hair. They might describe themselves as “creators” or “creatives.” They might characterize their hobbies as entrepreneurial “side hustles.” But their actual day-in, day-out work involves the coordination of various teams and resources across a large organization based on established administrative procedures. That’s a bureaucrat. The entire professional culture is almost an attempt to invert the connotations and expectations of the word—which is what underlies this class’s tension with storytelling. Conformity is draped in the dead symbols of a prior generation’s counterculture.

…

When high school students read novels, they are asked to identify the theme, or moral, of a story. This teaches them to view texts through an instrumental lens. Novelist Robert Olen Butler wrote that we treat artists like idiot savants who “really want to say abstract, theoretical, philosophical things, but somehow they can’t quite make themselves do it.” The purpose of a story becomes the process of translating it into ideas or analysis. This is instrumental reading. F. Scott Fitzgerald spent years meticulously outlining and structuring numerous rewrites of The Great Gatsby, but every year high school students reduce the book to a bumper sticker on the American dream. A story is an experience in and of itself. When you abstract a message, you lose part of that experience. Analysis is not inherently bad; it’s just an ancillary mode that should not define the reader’s disposition.

Propaganda is ubiquitous because we’ve been taught to view it as the final purpose of art. Instrumental reading also causes people to assume overly abstract or obscure works are inherently profound. When the reader’s job is to decode meaning, then the storyteller is judged by the difficulty of that process. It’s a novel about a corn beef sandwich who sings the Book of Malachi. Ah yes, a profound critique of late capitalism. An artist! Overall, instrumental reading teaches striving students to disregard stories. Cut to the chase, and give us the message. Diversity is our strength? Got it. Throw the book out. This reductionist view perhaps makes it difficult for people to see how incoherent the higher education experience has become.

…

“Decadence” sounds incorrect since the word elicits extravagant and glamorous vices, while we have Lizzo—an obese antifertility priestess for affluent women. All our decadence becomes boring, cringe-inducing, and filled with HR-approved jargon. “For my Fulbright, I studied conflict resolution in nonmonogamous throuples.” Campus dynamics may partially explain this phenomenon. Camille Paglia has argued that many of the brightest left-wing thinkers in the 1960s fried their brains with too much LSD, and this created an opportunity for the rise of corporate academics who never participated in the ’60s but used its values to signal status. What if this dropout process repeats every generation?

…

The professional class tells a variety of genre stories about their jobs: TED Talker, “entrepreneur,” “innovator,” “doing well by doing good.” One of the most popular today is corporate feminism. This familiar story is about a young woman who lands a prestigious job in Manhattan, where she guns for the corner office while also fulfilling her trendy Sex and the City dreams. Her day-in, day-out life is blessed by the mothers and grandmothers who fought for equality—with the ghost of Susan B. Anthony lingering Mufasa-like over America’s cubicles. Yet, like other corporate genre stories, girl-boss feminism is a celebration of bureaucratic life, including its hierarchy. Isn’t that weird?

There are few positive literary representations of life in corporate America. The common story holds that bureaucratic life is soul-crushing. At its worst, this indulges in a pedestrian Romanticism where reality is measured against a daydream, and, as Irving Babbitt warned, “in comparison . . . actual life seems a hard and cramping routine.” Drudgery is constitutive of the human condition. Yet even while admitting that toil is inescapable, it is still obvious that most white-collar work today is particularly bleak and meaningless. Office life increasingly resembles a mental factory line. The podcast is just talk radio for white-collar workers, and its popularity is evidence of how mind-numbing work has become for most.

Forty years ago, Christopher Lasch wrote that “modern industry condemns people to jobs that insult their intelligence,” and today employers rub this insult in workers’ faces with a hideously infantilizing work culture that turns the office into a permanent kindergarten classroom. Blue-chip companies reward their employees with balloons, stuffed animals, and gold stars, and an exposé detailing the stringent communication rules of the luxury brand Away Luggage revealed how many start-ups are just “live, laugh, love” sweatshops. This humiliating culture dominates America’s companies because few engage in truly productive or necessary work. Professional genre fiction, such as corporate feminism, is thus often told as a way to cope with the underwhelming reality of working a job that doesn’t contribute anything to the world.

There is another way to tell the story of the young career woman, however. Her commute includes inspiring podcasts about Ugandan entrepreneurs, but also a subway stranger breathing an egg sandwich into her face. Her job title is “Senior Analyst—Global Trends,” but her job is just copying and pasting between spreadsheets for ten hours. Despite all the “doing well by doing good” seminars, the closest thing she knows to a community is spin class, where a hundred similar women, and one intense man in sports goggles, listen to a spaz scream Hallmark card affirmations.

…

The bureaucrat even describes the process of rising through fraudulence as “playing the game.” The book The Organization Man criticized professionals in the 1950s for confusing their own interests with those of their employers, imagining, for example, that moving across the country was good for them simply because they were transferred. “Playing the game” is almost like an overlay on top of this attitude. The idea is that personal ambition puts the bureaucrat in charge. Bureaucrats always feel that they are “in on the game,” and so develop a false sense of certainty about the world, which sorts them into two groups: the cynics and the neurotics. Cynics recognize the nonsense, but think it’s necessary for power. The neurotics, by contrast, are earnest go-getters who confuse the nonsense with actual work. They begin to feel like they’re the only ones faking it and become so insecure they have to binge-watch TED Talks on “imposter syndrome.”

These two dispositions help explain why journalists focus on things like impeachment rather than medical supply chains. One group cynically condescends to American intelligence, while neurotics shriek about the “norms of our democracy.” Both are undergirded by a false certainty about what’s possible. Professional elites vastly overestimate their own intelligence in comparison with the average American, and today there is nothing so common as being an elitist. Meanwhile, public discourse gets dumber and dumber as elitists spend all their time explaining hastily memorized Wikipedia entries to those they deem rubes.

…

The entire phenomenon of the nonconformist bureaucrat can be seen as genre inversion. Everyone today grew up with pop culture stories about evil corporations and corporate America’s soul-sucking culture, and so the “creatives” have fashioned a self-image defined against this genre. These stories have been internalized and inverted by corporate America itself, so now corporate America has mandatory fun events and mandatory displays of creativity.

In other words, past countercultures have been absorbed into corporate America’s conception of itself. David Solomon isn’t your father’s stuffy investment banker. He’s a DJ! And Goldman Sachs isn’t like the stuffy corporations you heard about growing up. They fly a transgender flag outside their headquarters, list sex-change transitions as a benefit on their career site, and refuse to underwrite an IPO if the company is run by white men. This isn’t just posturing. Wokeness is a cult of power that maintains its authority by pretending it’s perpetually marching against authority. As long it does so, its sectaries can avoid acknowledging how they strengthen managerial America’s stranglehold on life by empowering administrators to enforce ever-expanding bureaucratic technicalities.

…

Moreover, it is shocking that no one in the 2020 campaign seems to have reacted to the dramatic change that happened in 2016. Good storytellers are attuned to audience sophistication, and must understand when audiences have grown past their techniques. Everyone has seen hundreds of movies, and read hundreds of books, and so we intuitively understand the shape of a good story. Once audiences can recognize a storytelling technique as a technique, it ceases to function because it draws attention to the artifice. This creates distance between the intended emotion and the audience reaction. For instance, a romantic comedy follows a couple as they fall in love and come together, and so the act two low point will often see the couple breaking up over miscommunication. Audiences recognize this as a technique, and so, even though miscommunication often causes fights, it seems fake.

Similarly, today’s voters are sophisticated enough to recognize the standard political techniques, and so their reactions are no longer easily predictable. Voters intuitively recognize that candidate “debates” are just media events, and prewritten zingers do not help politicians when everyone recognizes them as prewritten. The literary critic Wayne Booth wrote that “the hack is, by definition, the man who asks for responses he cannot himself respect,” and our politicians are always asking us to buy into nonsense that they couldn’t possibly believe. Inane political tropes operate just like inane business jargon and continue because everyone thinks they’re on the inside, and this blinds them to obvious developments in how audiences of voters relate to political tropes. Trump often plays in this neglected space.

The artistic development of the sitcom can be seen as the process of incorporating its own artifice into the story. There is a direct creative lineage from The Dick Van Dyke Show, a sitcom about television comedy writers, to The Office, a show about office workers being filmed for television. Similarly, Trump often succeeds because he incorporates the artifice of political tropes. When Trump points out that the debate audiences are all donors, or that Nancy Pelosi doesn’t actually pray for him, he’s just pointing out what everyone already knows. This makes it difficult for other politicians to “play the game,” because their standard tropes reinforce Trump’s message. If the debates are just media spectacle events for donors, then applause lines work against you. It’s similar to breaking the fourth wall, while the rest of the cast nervously tries to continue with their lines. Trump’s success is evidence that the television era of political theater is ending, because its storytelling formats are dead.

In fact, the (often legitimate) criticism that Trump does not act “presidential” is the same as saying that he’s not acting professional—that he is ignoring the rules of bureaucratic advancement. Could you imagine Trump’s year-end review? “In 2020, we invite Donald to stop sending Outlook reminders that just say ‘get schlonged.’” Trump’s antics are indicative of his different route to power. Forget everything else about him: how would you act if you never had a job outside a company with your name on the building? The world of the professional managerial class doesn’t contain many characters, and so they associate eccentricity with bohemianism or ineptitude. But it’s also reliably found somewhere else.

Small business owners are often loons, wackos, and general nutjobs. Unlike the professional class, their personalities vary because their job isn’t dependent on how others view them. Even when they’re wealthy or successful, they often don’t act “professional.” It requires tremendous grit and courage to own a business. They are perhaps the only people today who embody what Pericles meant when he said that the “secret to freedom is courage.” In the wake of coronavirus, small businesses owners stoically shuttered their stores and faced financial ruin, while politicians with camera-ready personas and ratlike souls tried to increase seasonal worker visas.

…

Ever since Star Wars, screenwriters have used Joseph Campbell’s monomyth to measure a successful story, and an essential act one feature is the refusal of adventure. For a moment, the universe opens up and shows the hero an unknown world of possibility, but the hero backs away. For four years, our nation has refused adventure, yet fate cannot be ignored. The coronavirus forces our nation to confront adventure. With eerie precision, this global plague tore down the false stories that veiled our true situation. The experts are incompetent. The institutions told us we were racist for caring about the virus, and then called for arresting paddleboarders in the middle of the ocean. Our business regulations make it difficult to create face masks in a crisis, while rewarding those who outsource the manufacturing of lifesaving drugs to our rival. The new civic religion of wokeness is a dangerous antihuman cult that distorts priorities. Even our Hollywood stars turn out to be ugly without makeup.

#james mcelroy #american affairs #read the whole thing

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tearlessrain · 5 years

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okay I’m gonna liveblog the lion king we’re going to punch this dead horse until it gets up and walks away.

it’s just going to be a giant text wall of me complaining and nitpicking everything I think they should have done instead of what they did so probably just skip this one.

re: the bland visual design of this movie - elephant graveyard, nala says the sun is going down so why didn’t they take this opportunity to perhaps. have the sun be actually going down. and give the whole scene an ominous dusky red tone. that would have looked cool.

every once in a while a character emotes in a way that I’m like “okay, they can give them expressions and body language, they’re just deciding not to for some reason.”

I feel like this is a perfect example of my issue with this; when simba does the “I laugh in the face of danger” cackle, nothing really moves except his mouth. and I don’t know why, because like. the one on the left is what they did. the one on the right is still well within the range of realistic movement for a feline but it doesn’t look like a trained animal meowing on cue that got dubbed over with laughing.

and I can’t figure out why they wouldn’t go with the one on the right. and it frustrates me. this is a thing that happens constantly in this movie and I can usually pinpoint exactly how they could have animated it differently.

the zoomed out shots and color/arrangement of the mufasa lecture are really pretty though. if they’d just stop zooming in on the faces while they’re talking.

... okay, no, we’ve transitioned scenes and we’re looking at hyenas now but this is exactly the same color scheme and I don’t think there’s a deliberate reason for it. that’s not how. no. at least make the blue more washed out or something if you have to make both scenes blue.

I’m going to take video editing software and alter the lighting/color overlays of every scene in this movie.

I won’t do that but I want to. disney has done so good in the past with color theory and this is hurting me.

okay so ironically, I’ve heard a lot of complaints from various sources about what they did to Be Prepared, but honestly this is the only scene so far that’s really worked for me. it’s so much less uncomfortable with the visual style for him to be mostly speaking the lines in an understated menacing kind of way and it all came together really nicely. I haven’t liked all of Scar’s scenes so far but he’s definitely my favorite thing they’ve done here on average. also for some reason they don’t seem to be as afraid of giving him movement and expressions as with the other characters, maybe it’s just that he’s already the most visually distinctive idk.

anyway, Be Prepared was good and I genuinely enjoyed watching it, they should have done that with the first song if they weren’t going to do something crazy and colorful. critics were wrong. water is wet.

the voice acting in this movie really is just all over the place. it’s scanning like an elder scrolls game where the actors were just given most of their lines out of context in alphabetical order or something. because now we have “stampede in the gorge! Simba’s down there!!” [acted well but blank expression] “Simba?” [spoken in a tone that implies “oh, is that rascal in the gorge? interesting” and not “are you telling me my son is about to be trampled by ungulates???”] and I can’t tell how much is actually weird acting and how much just seems weird because it’s matching up badly with the animation.

so the action shots are good, they can do action, it’s just when they’re standing and talking that it gets awkward.

I think the reason Scar works for me more than the others is that all his concern and intentions are fake and we know that so if a line/animation falls flat it matters less.

the wildebeest scene is actually pretty okay, again because it’s mostly action. I can live with it.

don’t like the delivery of “long live the king” but at this point whatever

I already knew it wasn’t going to match the emotional impact of the original death scene because honestly what would, but this was a really unfortunate time to go back to not animating any facial expressions. simba’s voice actor is just giving it their all but visually they’re giving me nothing here.

Scar’s voice acting is fascinating, half the time the actor sounds completely checked out but when his lines land they land really well, so now I’m starting to think he was just given bad directions.

the extra scenes that weren’t in the original are like, noticeably better than the others. it’s almost like realism has a time and a place and can work well when you aren’t trying to remake a cartoon scene for scene with it. I suspect this is why I liked the jungle book so much but am not having a good time watching the lion king at all.

I rest my case about action shots: Timon and Pumbaa still don’t have facial expressions for the most part but they never stop moving and bounce around like cartoons, so it doesn’t look weird that they’re talking.

WHY DID SIMBA REACT WITH MORE VISIBLE FEAR TO PUMBAA SINGING THAN HE DID TO A WILDEBEEST STAMPEDE

kind of living for Timon’s inexplicable but honestly fitting gay lisp

again, everything around these two is more cartoonish and it works. so. much. better.

did they just fucking change animation teams entirely after the stampede or something.

the lions’ voice actors still really need to tone down their singing in comparison to the animations though, this is why be prepared was the only one that’s really worked. I mean it’s really good singing but that’s sort of the problem. to quote deadpool, they’re singing at eleven but we need like a five or six.

on the other hand I can’t believe we got that whole extra scene and Nala is literally voiced by Beyonce but they still didn’t put in Shadowland.

this is honestly going so much better than the first act because it’s not a shot-for-shot remake anymore and they’re actually writing their own scenes that, obviously, work better with the medium. I really hope it continues like this.

except for the fact that simba still just stares blankly at everything, that’s not great.

please. make a facial expression.

we’re back in “scenes that happened in the original movie” land and it is not a happy place.

there’s no iteration of this scene I can watch without thinking about the rafiki vine

god FUCKING damn it there was exactly ONE SCENE in the ENTIRE movie that SHOULD have been remade word for word and you CHANGED THE ENTIRE TONE OF THE SCENE. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS. WHY WOULD YOU MESS WITH REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE. THAT SCENE FELT LIKE A RUINED SNEEZE.

FUCK;.

I’m so mad. it was finally starting to be a fun movie to watch and they did that. did they honestly think “I will always be proud of you son” would ever have the impact of “you are more than what you have become”

simba stop talking.

everyone stop talking you’ve already talked all the emotional impact out of this scene.

the soundtrack and new scenes are absolutely wasted on the entire rest of the movie. the travel montage is good but I’m still mad about the mufasa thing.

and let me be clear I’m cool with the visual decisions with the clouds that everyone’s mad about, that was fine if slightly too subtle. the problem is that they altered and drew out the dialogue in such a way as to completely defang the whole scene.

we’re still not gonna explain why the hyenas are bad or how Scar managed to cause a massive drought just by overhunting huh.

I can’t believe he’s hoarding all the food AND all the facial expressions for himself.

okay look disney you can’t just shoehorn a Girl Fight into every movie and call it feminism. what history do Nala and Shenzi even have to warrant this dialogue.

why did they put the simba/king music as a backdrop to rafiki beating up hyenas, this feels like when they used the nazgul theme for thorin in the hobbit. I’m at the point where I keep thinking “okay I’m just gonna stop typing and watch the rest and be done” but they keep doing weird shit.

good job nala you defeated your lifelong arch nemesis, the hyena you were once in the room with while she talked to someone else

again, the action shots are good. the problems arise when they start saying words at each other.

this movie has a big “people yelling lines that need to be said quietly for maximum impact” problem

in all sincerity this is badass now that they’ve stopped talking

this would be a better movie if it wasn’t the lion king.

Simba defeated Scar and absorbed his ability to have facial expressions, wild.

all right final two scenes are exact reshots of the original but blander, and we’re done

holy shit that’s too many producers that explains a lot

okay well it was okay for a while in the middle and the bits where they actually added new things and/or exercised some creativity, and I kinda liked the reimagining of Timon and Pumbaa, but this went about as expected. it’s not like it’s a horrible movie or anything but if I was gonna show a kid the lion king I would show them the original because it flows better, it’s more visually appealing, and you can actually tell characters apart at a glance. also they used color theory properly. seriously who let that get by. you are more than what you have become, disney.

anyway this movie’s biggest flaw is that it didn’t need to exist in the first place and the people who made it exist anyway were goddamn cowards about it thanks for coming to my ted talk.

#tearless liveblogs #now I can finally shut up about the lion king I've gotten it all out of my system

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