#my 12 year old cousin has done more with her life

[mollificen]

I turn 18 at 10:56 am tomorrow.

I don’t feel anything. I’ve done NOTHING with my life. Like it’s no wonder I’m not super excited for it.

I’m so tired. I can’t keep doing this.

[emometalhead]

.

[daydreaming-nerd]

Young Love and Old Money (Cassian x Female! Reader) Part 12

Young Love and Old Money Masterlist

AN: Wow this took longer than I thought because I JUST graduated college, which has been a hard transition for me. Also in one of my grad photos I posed with ACOMAF and Fourth Wing and tagged both Sarah and Rebecca Yarros and REBECCA FUCKING DMed ME AND CONGRATULATED ME! So yeah that was insane.

Summary: She was the most beautiful woman in Prythian, sister to the High Lord of Night, and now she is the soon-to-be wife of Eris Vanserra. Despite her many titles and her aura of unattainability, Cassian can't help but fall deeply in love with the princess of the Night Court. But will it be enough to stop her impending wedding to a man who is sure to destroy her from the inside out?

Warnings: Smut, mating bond being accepted, territorial Cass, angst for Rhys

Word Count: 5,535

“And this is really what you want?” Rhysand asks me for the one-millionth time. 

“Yes brother,” I assure him, taking his hands in mine. 

“No ornate, over the top mating ceremony? No wedding with all seven courts in attendance? Need I remind you that you are the Princess of Velaris, The Jewel of Prythian. I am the High Lord of Night, simply speak it and it is done,” Rhysand fusses. 

I can’t help but laugh at his eagerness to lay the world at the feet of his little sister. He had already given me our mother’s sapphire encrusted diadem as my something blue and had the small temple decorated in faelights and night blooming jasmine. I could practically smell the sweet flowers from the other side of the double oak doors before me. If I peeked through the crack I would see my handsome mate, my cousin, Azriel, and Amren, all waiting for Rhys to walk me down the aisle. 

“Rhys, I already had a larger than life wedding. I want this one to be intimate and sweet, just my family,” I assure him and I see his shoulders relax. 

“I’m sorry that Autumn Court traditions didn’t allow me to walk you down the aisle last time,” he smiles, offering me his arm, which I take. 

“It’s okay that was just the practice wedding,” I tease, bumping into his shoulder. 

Rhys barks out a laugh, a real one, a sound I hadn’t heard from him in a long time. He looks over at me one last time, taking in my appearance before placing a kiss on the top of my head, “You look beautiful sister. Cassian is truly a very lucky male.”  

I smile, smoothing my dress over one last time before the double doors open to reveal the beautiful temple and my mate turns to meet my gaze.

The soft faelights cast a warm glow throughout the temple and the smiling faces of my family meet me as Rhys leads me down the aisle. Mor looks so happy she might squeal, Amren’s face dons a small smile, the biggest one I’ve seen from her, ever. Azriel looks at me for only a moment before turning his head to Cassian, watching his brother's reaction to seeing his future wife and mate.

Cassian was dressed immaculately, in one of the many jackets that he wore to the Autumn Court balls. But I didn’t care much about how he dressed, I was more focused on his eyes, how they glassed over as I walked closer to him. Such happiness and joy that lie in them, like he had been waiting for this day for many years. 

As I step up to him Rhys passes my hand to Cassian’s with a knowing glance. My general looked down upon me like I was the most precious thing he ever beheld. I squeezed his hands tighter to assure him that I was real. 

“You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, my love,” Cassian smiled before turning to the priestess. 

I don’t have time to say anything before the priestess begins to speak, seemingly more eager than the rest of us. 

“We gather here today to bear witness to the union of these two beings. If anyone should have any reason why these two shall not be joined please say so at once.” the priestess says. 

“This is also the time when I remind everyone that I have a knife,” Cassian says under his breath, earning a laugh from all of us. 

“Very well,” the priestess giggles. “Do you, y/n, youngest sister of our High Lord Rhysand and Princess of Velaris, take this male to be your lawfully wedded husband? In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, as long as you shall live?” she asked me. 

“I do,” I smiled seeing the love pouring from Cassian’s eyes as I slid the simple gold band on his finger. There might have been five other people in the room but I couldn’t care less. Cassian’s hands gave mine a gentle squeeze, his way of showing me how happy he was to hear me say those two little words. 

“And do you, Cassian, General of the Night Courts Armies, take this female to be your lawfully wedded wife? In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, as long as you shall live?” the priestess asks, looking at Cassian. He didn’t even notice her. 

“Hell yeah I do,” he laughs, earning a laugh from our family once more as he places his mother’s ring on my hand. 

“Princess if you would,” she said, gesturing to the small blackberry tart on the plate before her. 

When I asked Cassian what he wanted as his official mating offering he didn’t hesitate to ask for a blackberry tart. I was puzzled at first until he explained that we met because of a blackberry tart. The first day he saw me, reading on the couch of the townhouse he and Azriel had come over because my mother had made us all blackberry tarts.  It was after  his story that I realized he had thought about this for a long time.  

I picked up the small pastry off the ornate plate and offered it to Cass. He plucked it from my  hands like it was made of porcelain and took a bite, berry staining his lips. I couldn’t help but reach a  hand up to wipe the mess from his face. 

“Congratulations you two, you are now mates as well as husband and wife,” the priestess smiled fondly, taking a step back.

“C’mere you,” Cassian smirked, pulling me into a kiss. 

His mouth melded against mine, and immediately things felt…different. They were deeper, stronger. The bond between us seemed to glow even brighter.  I felt Cassian dip me, in order to kiss me deeper, earning cheers from our family, especially Mor. When we came up for air I felt like my skin was on fire, the need to touch and feel all of my mate consuming my very soul. Like all moral code I had was thrown out the window. I barely felt it when we broke apart for air. The only thing bringing me back to reality was Cassian’s hazel eyes darkening. 

“Rhys I’m sorry to say this, but I’m going to go fuck your sister now,” Cassian jested picking me up bridal style and walking back down the aisle. 

The sound of my brother’s protest and the family’s laughter followed us as we launched skyward the cold night air whipping my dress around. The stars seemed brighter tonight as we flew over the Sidra, making a beeline for the House of Wind. It wasn’t uncommon for mating ceremonies to end so abruptly, but most of the time the couple would give their thanks to all in attendance before caving to the frenzy. Then again since when were Cassian and I a normal couple?

We landed on the terrace of the House of Wind and the second we were on solid ground Cassian kissed me, not even stopping to put me down. 

“Cass put me down!” I laughed between kisses. 

“Over my dead body, we're going straight to our room,” he smiled storming off towards the door. 

That’s right, our room. I had moved all my things into his room just yesterday. Thankfully he didn’t have much of a wardrobe so my thousands of dresses fit perfectly. 

The house thankfully opened our bedroom door for us, but it closed promptly with a slam as Cassian’s foot kicked it shut. I felt my feet finally touch the ground as greedy hands roamed my waist. 

“You are truly the most beautiful bride, I am so lucky to have you,” Cassian beamed, taking in every inch of me. 

“I’m far luckier to call you my mate and my husband,” I hum, kissing him again as I begin ripping the buttons of his shirt open. 

“That’s right you’re my wife now,” he exclaimed, kissing me deeply. “I’ve waited so long to call you my wife y/n, you have no idea.” 

I felt his hands wander to the buttons of my dress, he fumbled with a few before the thing was ripped in two, buttons ricocheting off every wall and surface in the room. I gasped as the cold air hit my bareback.  I took a step back to reveal my surprise for my husband, one Mor insisted I needed tonight. 

As the intricate wedding dress pooled at my feet my white lingerie was revealed. I remembered when Mor took me shopping at her favorite shop, she claimed it was nonnegotiable, and as Casssian’s eyes nearly popped out of his head I could see why. 

“Fucking hell,” he moaned closing the distance between us by grabbing me by my waist. “Pinch me baby there’s no way you’re my wife,” he said, wandering his hands up and down my body setting my skin on fire. 

“Why don’t you get on your knees Cass,” I whisper in his ear, knowing his second surprise is waiting for him there. 

My general, and the Lord of Bloodshed, falls to his knees before me without even a protest. His eyes fell directly on the garter I was wearing on my thigh. Seemingly plain and white, but I smirked as his eyes widened once again as he saw the customization on it.  

Embroidered on the garther in red thread, read one name. 

‘Cassian’

“You’re going to kill me princess,” he groaned, pressing his head against my thigh.

I couldn’t help  but laugh at his reaction to the fabric around my thigh as I ran a hand through his hair, “So it’s safe to say you like it?” I ask.

“Like it? I fucking love it baby. I’m fucking you with this one tonight.” He smirks leaving open mouthed kisses on my thigh. 

“Damn it that thing is scratchy,” I giggle. I wasn’t lying, the lace had been rubbing against my leg all day. 

“Then allow me to take it off for you,” he said, pressing a kiss just above the lace. “Can’t have anything marring my princess’ perfect skin,” he smirked before grabbing the fabric with his teeth and pulling it down my leg. 

The sight of his dark eyes locking on mine as the lace slid off my leg was enough to have my knees buckle. Thankfully his hands on my hips kept me stable as the garter slid off my foot. He chucked the thing clear across the room before standing and picking me up in one fell swoop.  

I couldn’t help but giggle as he laid me ever so gently on our shared bed. Staring down at me, taking in every single inch of me. 

“My beautiful, beautiful mate,” he breathed, leaning over me to press a kiss to my lips before trailing his mouth down my neck. “Beautiful, exquisite, and all fucking mine,” he groaned accentuating each word with a kiss.  

“Cassian,” I breathed, feeling his mouth traveling to where I needed him most. “I need you now,” I pleaded. 

“Shhh not yet wife, I want to taste you first,” he grinned placing a kiss atop my clothed core before sliding the white lace down my legs and discarding it with the garter. 

A series of kisses lined my core before he parted my folds, licking a long stripe up the center of me flicking his tongue at my clit causing me to arch my back off the mattress. He took his time, swirling and suckling on every part of me. When his fingers slid into me slowly but surely it had me crying out in pleasure. 

I  looked down to where my husband feasted on me, his eyes staring directly into mine. He watched my every reaction to his tongue and his hands as he brought me closer and closer to the gods themselves. Those hazel eyes turned dark brown as they devoured every gasp of pleasure I let out.

“Cass I’m going to-” 

“Cum baby, I want my wife to cum all over my fucking face,” he growled thrusting his fingers into me faster. The change in his voice was so drastic, so deep it had me doing just that.   

I knew the fae were more primal, more needy during their mating but I had no clue it would be like this, no clue I would love it as much as I did. As I came down from my high I realized how badly I needed him unleashed, needed all him. 

“Fuck you taste so fucking good mate,” he groaned licking up whatever juices I left over. 

“Cass I need you,” I said with a guttural sound that didn’t even sound like me.

His eyes snapped up from my cunt to me, somehow even darker than they were moments ago. He crawled up my body, a look in his eyes that could only be described as pure male pride as he said with a smirk.

“Yeah wife? You need me?” he grinned, placing open mouthed kisses over my collarbones. 

“Yes Cass, I need you. I need all of you,” I pleaded, my nails raking down his now bareback. When his shirt had come off? I didn’t know. 

“I’m not myself right now y/n,” he gritted, trying to show restraint. “I’ve never needed you as badly as I do now.” 

“Take me Cass, I want you unleashed,” I begged, pulling him closer to me, just needing to feel his skin brush against mine. 

His pants were quickly discarded to wherever my clothes had gone and I felt his hard cock brush against my stomach. I found myself subconsciously bucking into it like my body was forcing me to. He thrusted inside me in one motion filling me to the brim and causing us both to let out unnatural sounds. 

“Ah oh god’s Cassian, it feels so good!” I cried, finally feeling the relief of having him inside me. 

The only response I got from Cassian I got was a low growl as he started rutting inside of me. The sensation was almost too much to take. I knew that once the mating bond was accepted sex was  different. There was nothing in the world that could compare. It was part of what made the mating bond so special. 

As I felt Cassian thrusting into me, and heard his moans of pleasure as my walls clenched around him I wondered if I would ever get enough of this. If I would ever be truly satisfied. No wonder they called it the frenzy, I could sleep with him inside me and I would still need more.

“Holy fuck baby you feel so good,” Cassian grunted, his face tightening in the process. 

“Cassian!” I screamed, unable to remember anything but the name of my mate. 

“Who’s fuckin pussy is this?” he roared, setting a brutal pace. 

“Yours Cass,” I cried, feeling myself falling over the edge at  his words. 

My orgasm ripped through me like a tidal wave, the pleasure branding my every nerve as I felt the aftershocks all over my body. I had never felt this way before.

“Fuckkk,” Cass moaned, sitting himself inside of me as I felt his load coat my walls. 

He collapsed beside me cradling me to his chest, both of us sweating and breathing heavily. My legs trembled from the aftershock of my release. 

“Shit princess, are you okay? Did I hurt you?” Cassian asked, tilting my chin up so he could assess my face. 

“No, no I’m fine,” I assured him before collapsing on his chest again. 

“I’m sorry I got a little rough there, it was-” 

“The bond,” I said, finishing his sentence. “Don’t worry I feel it too.” 

The heat returned to that spot between my legs and suddenly I needed to be closer to him, even though I was lying on top of him. I lifted my head to press kisses to his bare chest, my favorite activity to do. 

“Y/n if you don’t stop I’m gonna-” 

“I need you Cassian,” I said, cutting him off again with another kiss to his pec. 

His eyes lit up in amusement as he placed my hips over his already hard cock. I started grinding on him like my body was on autopilot. 

“Who am I to deny a princess?” he smirked, pressing a kiss to my lips. 

“We might be here a while,” I breathed, grasping his hair to pull him closer. 

“I can live with that,” he smiled.  

Cassian’s POV:

As expected the mating frenzy lasted about two weeks. Hell it would’ve been longer had Rhys not sent Azriel to break up the love fest. Apparently, there was still work to be done and my presence was needed at Windhaven. Devlon had been slacking in recruiting new troops, and with a war looming, and no Autumn Court soldiers to aid us, that wasn’t going to fly. 

Thankfully with a few ass kickings, Devlon finally got his shit in gear, and more Illyrians were being recruited and trained. Every day I flew up to impart my wisdom and of course make an example of a few of the older soldiers who thought they were ready for battle. 

The days were long, but it only made coming home to my mate all the more sweeter. I used to come home to an empty bed and a glass of whiskey, maybe even a female if I was lucky. At least I used to think I was lucky back then. Nothing compared to seeing y/n’s smiling face as I walked through the door every day.

 Sometimes she would be reading a book and I could sneak up on her and kiss her on the cheek.  Other times she would sneak up on me and wrap her arms around me before telling me I was stinky and needed a bath, a bath she always happily joined me in. One that was more fucking than it was washing. 

“Princess, are you almost ready?” I asked her, knocking on the bathroom door once again.  

With things in the camps finally starting to run according to schedule I finally had time to train y/n as she had asked me to. I couldn’t believe that she thought I wouldn’t want to. I had never been more proud of her for wanting to give herself that freedom, that peace of mind to know that she could defend herself if need be. I was grateful to be the one to help her. So grateful in fact that I went out and bought her some Illyrian training leathers.

She nearly squealed at the sight of them, but the second she touched them her face contorted. She told me that she was scared to wear them because even though she was half Illyrian she didn’t have wings. To which I explained to her that if anyone dared say a word about it they would find their head on a pike. Not that I thought anyone in Windhaven would dare insult their general’s mate. 

“Yeah I think so, are they always this tight?” she asked, throwing open the bathroom door. 

I had seen my mate in lavish dresses, wedding dresses, lingerie, and nothing at all, but seeing her in Illyrian fighting leathers? It was going to be a lot harder to keep my focus than I thought.

“Cass?” she chimed, snapping her fingers to get my attention. 

“Oh- um,” I stumbled. “Yes they are, they create less drag when flying and they keep your opponents from having something to grab onto,” I explain to her, unable to keep my eyes from wandering over her body.

“I suppose that makes sense,” she said, turning to look at herself in the mirror one last time. “I’m ready to go then.”  

We made our way to a terrace giving Azriel a wave as we took flight. It might’ve been faster to winnow to Windhaven, but I didn’t mind flying with y/n in my arms one bit. Not when I spent days thinking I never would again. Not when this relationship between us was so new. I still felt like it would be ripped away from me at any given moment, Cauldron knew everything else in my life had been. 

The weather in Velaris was beginning to warm up as spring was approaching, but in the Illyrian mountains there was still snow on the ground. As we neared Windhaven I felt y/n shiver and instinctively pulled her closer to me. I hadn’t told Devlon that we were coming to use the sparring ring and the practice grounds. I didn’t need to, I was the general, and more importantly y/n was their princess. Granted a princess they had never seen before, but still their superior nonetheless. 

Confused faces graced every man woman and child as I touched down at the edge of camp with y/n. They had all of course heard stories of y/n, maybe even seen paintings of her, but they had never once seen her in the flesh. Even though news traveled slowly here it wasn’t hard to guess who she was, not with all the stories of her beauty. I remembered Eris recounting one…

“Eyes like a storm, skin soft as rose petals and hair like threads of silk. The Jewel of Prythian and the weakness of every male…”

As we walked through the camp I understood why y/n hated large crowds so much. I remember she once told me that walking through a ballroom felt like being a painting put on display. As we walked hand in hand I noticed that every pair of eyes that found her also found me, which set me on edge. I looked down to see her blissfully unaware like she was completely unbothered by their stares. Still, I would keep on my toes. 

We approached a rogue training ring near the edge of the camp, and I felt y/n’s body language lighten as she ran over to a rack of wooden weapons picking up a sword. The look on her face was so enthusiastic I couldn’t help but smile at her. 

“You’re not quite ready for that one,” I laughed watching her swing the sword around like a toy. 

“Are you kidding me? Does this look ‘not ready’ to you?” She challenged, pointing the sword at me.

I cocked an eyebrow at the dull wood pointing at my chest. In one movement I grasped the end of the practice sword in one hand and pushed her down with the other. She fell to the mat with a thud, looking up at me like a toddler. 

“Hey!” she protested dusting herself off as I put the fake weapon back with the rest. 

“You asked me to treat you the same as I would any of my troops. Are you taking that statement back?” I challenged her. 

“No I just didn’t know you were going to push me,” she huffed. 

“Oh, I’m gonna do a lot more than just push you, princess,” I laughed ruffling her hair which was in a simple braid. “If you want to wield a sword you have to be strong enough for it. Which means we're going to be working on those muscles first.” 

“Okay let's do it!” she exclaimed. “Where do we start?” 

“You, start by giving me three laps around camp to get warmed up,” I said sitting on a nearby rock. 

“You’re not joining me?” she asked, crossing her arms. 

“And miss the view of you running away in those pants? Not a chance princess.” I smirked, getting comfortable where I sat. 

To my surprise, there were no further protests as she collected herself and began running around the camp. I was right about the view of my mate running in those tight Illyrian leathers, it would be a miracle if I let those things get home in one piece. 

Y/n ‘s first lap around the camp was a quick one, I forgot to tell her that it wasn’t about getting the laps done quickly, it was about warming up. I supposed that learning from one’s mistakes was the best way to learn though. Once she got through her second lap she had slowed down and by the time she came back to the mat her breaths were ragged. 

“By the cauldron how do you do that?” she asked out of breath. 

“That was three-quarters of a mile princess, my warm-up is five miles,” I laugh standing from the rock. 

Her eyes nearly pop out of her head at my words. She straightens up trying her best to control her breaths. 

“Now drop and give me twenty push-ups,” I said pointing to the mat. Y/n raised her eyebrows and started doing her pushups as asked. 

It wasn’t until a few moments later that I became acutely aware of the presence around us. Without turning my body from where my mate did her exercises, I lifted my gaze to find women and soldiers alike staring at y/n. I tried to act as if I didn’t see them there, turning my attention to my wife once more where she stood, wiping the sweat from her brow. 

“Good now let’s try something else,” I said, walking over towards the rack of weapons and grabbing weighted gloves. “Put these on and let's see how you’re able to swing.” 

I watched as she tied the gloves on and tried to hide my smile as the things flopped around her small hands. I could get her custom ones made later but for now, these would do. She put her hands up like she was ready to fight me and I helped her adjust her position to one that she might actually use.

“Alright now I’m going to hold out my hands and you’re going to punch in sequence, right, right, left, right. Do that over and over again.” I instruct her to hold up my bare hands. 

“Aren’t I going to hurt you though?” she asked, peering from behind her gloves. 

“One day you will,” I laughed. “But I promise I can handle a beginner. Now come on, lay a couple on me.”  

She cocked her head to the side as if she was still questioning my toughness, which was a slight bruise to my ego. Once she did the sequence a couple of times and I didn’t so much as flinch I could feel pride floating down the bond. Like she was proud to have me as a mate. 

My thoughts were interrupted as the interlopers aside us continued to ogle and whisper about us. Their numbers having doubled since the last time I looked. Y/n was completely focused on the series of punches, muttering the order under her breath. I couldn’t help but try and listen in on two females standing by us.

“Is that the princess?” 

“Why would the princess be here with the general?” 

“I’m not sure but she looks like a painting of y/n that I’ve seen before.” 

Y/n continued her exercises until I stopped her, as I wanted to try out a different sequence. I corrected her stance once more and made sure she was holding her fists properly before she picked up on the new pattern. My eyes flitted to a group of three or four soldiers looking at us and listened to their exchange.  

“Who the hell is that with the general?” 

“I think it’s the princess.”

“That’s not the princess you idiot, why would she be here? Rhysand keeps her locked up tight.” 

“Well, whoever she is I’m definitely taking a piece of her before I go home,” 

The male who made the final comment flared his wings as if to try and get y/n’s attention. 

I dropped my hands feeling a few of y/n’s lingering punches bounce off my chest before she realized what was happening. 

“Hey I was doing good!” she protested, attempting to raise her weighed down hands in the air. 

“Yeah that’s enough training for today,” I said tightly before sweeping her up in my arms and taking off into the air. Weighted gloves and all. 

“Cass!” she shouted over the winds. “What was that about? We just started!” 

“The whole camp was eye fucking you, we can train at home. I’ll bring some weights and equipment tomorrow,” I grumbled remembering the male's greedy eyes. 

“You territorial Illyrian prick!” she laughed, smacking me on the chest.

“Hey cut me some slack! The mating bond is still fresh!,” I laughed and the second I said it I saw  the understanding fill her eyes. 

“You’re lucky you’re so handsome,” she sighed leaning her head on my shoulder. 

I gave a small chuckle as we continued the short flight home. Training could start up again once we arrived at the townhouse. It would be easier to train her in private and more fun for when things got a little…well…heated.

y/n’s pov: 

Today marked a day I had hoped would never come. Feyre’s wedding.

When I told my brother of the planned event he said that he was well aware of his mate's upcoming nuptials. I begged and pleaded with him to call in his bargain with her just once, just to give the female a chance to get to know him, but he refused. Even Cassian told him of the pain he felt when I married Eris.  But Rhys was steadfast in letting Feyre be happy, and in the end, I let him do it, for every time I spoke her name there was a sadness in his eyes I couldn't stand to see. 

“Hey,” I said quietly, stepping onto the balcony of the townhouse where Rhys stood. 

Cassian sat dutifully inside waiting for his brother with a glass of whiskey. It was going to be a long night, and he had offered himself up as Rhys’ drinking buddy, an offer my brother happily took. I just wanted to speak to my brother once before Azriel took me home. 

“Hey sis,” Rhys said, looking worse for wear. 

As usual, his image was perfect. A perfectly tailored suit, hair set in place, a clean shave. But his eyes held all the sorrows of the world. Grief I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I realized that this is exactly how Cassian felt the day I married Eris, and in that moment my heart broke twice. 

“Cassian’s inside with a couple of bottles of whiskey,” I gave him a half hearted smile wrapping an arm around him. 

“That was nice of him,” Rhys grinned weakly, tugging me closer to him. 

“Don’t give him too much credit he stole it from your liquor cabinet,” I laughed looking up toward my brother. I barely recognized him in this state. 

“Why am I not surprised,” he said, turning toward me. “Do you and Mor have everything you need for girls' night? You have enough wine and snacks right?” 

“Rhys,” I said, squeezing his hands. “You don’t always have to be so brave, you know? It’s okay to grieve. Especially with me, we promised no more walls, no more secrets.” 

I saw his violet eyes begin to glass over as he took in my words. In a way I was happy he felt he could be vulnerable with me again, that he didn’t have to wear the mask with me. However, I was sad that these were the circumstances. 

His arms pulled me into a tight hug and I felt his body shake ever so slightly, either in relief or in sadness. As I felt a drop on my bare shoulder I knew it was the latter and it killed me inside. 

“I’m going to lose her forever. She’s my mate and I’ll never even get to hold her.” he cried, his voice breaking. 

“Rhys I’m-” 

“I’ll have to sit here and watch her love him for the rest of my life,” he breathed. 

All I could do was hold him closer as I felt him breaking in my arms. The misery he felt echoed throughout the Illyrian mountains, and I wondered if today would be the day they finally crumbled. Before I could even try to console my brother he straightened, releasing me from his grasp and staring into the air behind me. 

“What? What is it?” I asked, grasping his shoulders.

“I-It’s her. It’s Feyre.” he stumbled as if coming to a shocking realization. 

“What’s wrong, is she hurt?” I panicked, willing to follow him anywhere to ensure her safety. The female wasn’t just my brother's mate, she had saved him from under the mountain, saved all of us, and saved me. I owed her my life.

“She wants to stop the wedding, she’s begging for someone to help- anyone to help.” Rhys rambled looking around him as if he was looking for some sort of sign. 

“Rhys… RHYS!” I shouted finally getting his attention. “Go get her,” I pleaded with him. 

Before I could get another word in he disappeared into a cloud of shadows, no doubt going to the Spring Court. Going to his mate.

To be continued…

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[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for telling my mixed race cousin the truth about her racial background?

This happened a few months back but continues to divide our family to this day, and I have my own regrets about it, so I thought it would be good to get some outside perspective.

My little cousin (we'll call her May) was privately adopted by my aunt 17 years ago. Her biological mom already had 4 kids at home, 2 of them special needs, and she was an unplanned pregnancy. But she was also deeply religious and against abortion, so she went to her (southern baptist) church for help. My aunt was a member of that church and was having trouble conceiving, so she offered to adopt the woman's baby and she agreed.

I know all this for a fact because my aunt asked my mom to come with her as emotional support when she met with the bio mom and dad at their home to talk more about the details. I was dragged along (8 years old at the time) and saw the bio parents myself. The mom was white, and the dad was black. I sat and listened to them talk about boring adult stuff and heard both the man and woman refer to May as "their baby". Then I got bored and went in the other room to play with their kids on the xbox.

Fast forward 17 years later to the present day and May has done pretty well in life. She's a straight A student with a 4.0 and wants to be a physicist. She knows she's adopted and knows she's mixed race (would be pretty hard to hide, since both her parents are whiter than mayo and she's obviously not). I never said anything about her being half black, because I assumed she knew. I found out she does not when she was talking about looking into scholarships and says maybe she can get a scholarship for Indigenous peoples. I laugh because I assume she's joking.

May looks at me and asks why that's so funny, and I say because she's not Native American. She looks truly pissed now and like she's geared up for a fight against a racist and says yes, she is. I look at her parents for backup but they won't look me in the eye. "May, I met your parents. You're half black," I told her. She calls me a liar and says that's stupid, because her parents got her through an adoption agency and she knows she's half Native American.

Now I'll tell you, I know my aunt and uncle made jokes about how she "looks like an Indian" when she was a baby. I know they dressed her up in racist "Indian" outfits every Halloween (first I wasn't old enough to know it was racist, then I thought it's not worth the argument bringing it up). I know her cringey online persona when she was 12/13 was called "PocahontasGirl", and her online "aesthetic" has always been nature and romanticized, spiritual Native American stuff. And again, I never said anything because it wasn't worth the argument, and I figured she would grow out of it when she was less immature. I had genuinely know idea it's because her parents have been lying to her.

I tried to convince her I wasn't lying, I tried to get my aunt and uncle to back me up, but May is a terror when she's mad and she was screaming and crying at me for being racist and calling her parents liars so I just left. She's blocked me everywhere since then, and my aunt called my mom to rant about me filling her daughter's head with lies and trying to break up their happy family. My mom said I should have just left it alone, I said May deserves to know who she really is, and how can my mom condone lying to her when we both know the truth? My mom said just to drop it, it isn't any of our business. That she didn't like the fact that my aunt lied either, but bringing it up now was an asshole move because it would divide the family no matter what. Either May would believe me and hate her parents, or believe her parents and hate me.

In my heart I feel like it's wrong on so many levels to adopt a mixed race child then lie about their heritage, and I think my aunt and uncle are just plain racist. But I can't blame May for not believing me and believing the people who raised her. And I truly do miss her, having known her all her life. AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[ewanmitchelll]

Imagine Taylor Swift’s songs (VIII): You Belong With Me.

Imagine you fall in love with your neighbor, who happens to be your childhood best friend, unaware that he bears now a bad reputation and is Alys Rivers’s boyfriend.

Warnings: none; fluff and drama; silly, light reading to start our 2024 well and relaxed. :p

***

You are just going back from college. These are trying days, when you are about to enter your last semester before finally closing the course y/c. Not to mention the internship and tons of final paperworks expected to be done in what should be your vacations.

Such are your thoughts as you go back home. You share your household with your cousin named Lya Baratheon at King’s Landing in a nice neighborhood. But when you arrive at last after two hours traveling by bus, you are welcomed by Aemond Targaryen, your childhood friend who happens to have moved next to you.

“Hello, there!”, Aemond smiles at you.

You promptly leave your backpack down at the garden of your house before running to him before being fully embraced by his strong arms.

“Aemond!”, you hold on tight. “Long time no see! I missed you!”

As he places you down eventually, Aemond sees the woman you’ve become: your y/c hair is tied in a ponytail, there’s also a sweet bangs over your eyebrows. Your face has softened in delicate features and this time there’s a red lipstick painting your lips.

Although you dress casually, Aemond’s eyes can tell you’ve got bigger boobs last time he saw you—and that was 15 years ago, when you were both 12 years old.—, which earns him a smirk.

“Looking beautiful as I remember, Y/N”, he is pleased when seeing you blush.

Some things never change.

“Oh please”, you giggle softly. “So you are my neighbor now, eh? What a coincidence.”

“Yeah, indeed it is. I didn’t know you were living here. My mother recommended this neighborhood after I refused sharing a household with Aegon.”

“Oh. Are you two still not getting along?”

Aemond puts his hands on his pocket jeans and laughs.

“We always got along, but we have been following different roads now. I’ll tell you about it later. Are you coming home from a travel or something?”

“I entered college later than my fellow classmates”, you tell him. “I wanted to work a bit before getting into this academic world. So I’m still about to close it.”

“And what are you studying?”, Aemond inquires, interested in your independent spirit.

As you tell him about your college course, you notice how handsome he’s become. Taller, indeed, but stronger and with eyes so full of life. Your heart flutters foolishly, especially when you remember the old days where you two were so attached that Mrs Alicent used to joke about the day you’d get married.

“Do you want to come inside?”, you invite him after a few more minutes catching up.

“I wish I could, but I’m waiting for my girlfriend”, Aemond hates to break the joy of this reunion, even more so when your smile falters lightly, but he had to be honest with you.

“Of course”, you try not to look so disconcerted. And why, oh why, would I? “Even so you can bring her too if you like.”

Aemond ponders it, aware of your good intentions, but probably more conscious that you know nothing about his past and who his girlfriend is.

“Thanks, Y/N. I’ll see you around, though.”

As you turn your back to go inside your home, you miss Aemond’s sad gaze following you. Your absence soon leaves a hole where he thought an old wound was closed for good…

***

You're on the phone with your girlfriend, she's upset. She's going off about something that you said. 'Cause she doesn't get your humor like I do…

The next day you leave your bed earlier, trying to distract your head you opt to have some running outside. The morning is inviting and you need to get yourself some exercises before starting your college’s stuff.

After having breakfast and dressing, you pick your headphones and phone, all ready to go when you open the door and spot a very angry Aemond outside, sitting in the sidewalk as he speaks on the phone.

You sigh, probably wondering the cause. It’s either his family or his girlfriend. You carefully approach him, not letting be noticed until he turns off the phone.

“Fuck!”, he curses, before spotting you at last. “By the Maker! Sorry, Y/N, didn’t see you here.”

“No worries. I didn’t mean to intrude, but you looked upset and I came here to check on you.”

As Aemond stares at you almost in disbelief, he remembers how often as children he protected you of the bullies at school, and how you did the same whenever he misbehaved—often excusing his behavior before his own parents.

“We…just had a fight, is all”, he shrugs his shoulders.

“Do you want to talk about it?”, you ask him gently, sitting next to him.

“Not really, no.”

But he eventually does. You don’t know the woman’s name, but come to find out she is temperamental and willful, at times difficult to deal with.

For the first time in a while, Aemond feels heard. You are there for him, not a mere physical presence—and here he cannot help a comparison with Alys. At times he wonders how the hell he got so lost.

Towards the end of it, he is surprised by your embrace.

“I thought you might need it”, you explain before the disconcert look stamped in his face, which reminds you how often you used to climb his back as children and he’d awkwardly take you around his household.

The same idea runs in the back of his mind, making Aemond smile in nostalgia.

“Always the optimistic. You haven’t changed a bit, Y/N.”

A laughter echoes the air as you two share a look.

***

I'm in the room, it's a typical Tuesday night. I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like. And she'll never know your story like I do…

You have finished your final assignments after all. Considering preparing something to eat, you do miss having a company. Your cousin is away, so this leaves you with your neighbor, who happens to be your childhood best friend.

It’s when you open the window that gives you sight to his house and scream out his name.

Aemond, who’s been busy reading a book, chuckles quietly when hearing you calling him a note above the heavy metal sound he’s been listening.

“Hey, girl”, he leans over the window. “What’s up? Listening to rock’n’roll today? I always figured you’d prefer classical music.”

You pull a grimace.

“What do you know of my musical tastes, Aemond Targaryen?”

He laughs quietly. It’s been a while since someone made him laugh like this.

“Well, hit me, baby. What do you want for me?”

“Have you dinned yet?”

“Nope. You?”

“I was about to cook some hamburgers. Do you want any?”

Aemond side smirks at you.

“I’ll be there in five.”

*

And here he is, eating with you late Tuesday night. Aemond soon knows about your college short break, how you are preparing for your last semester and your expectations for your graduation.

“Enough about me”, you say as you open two beers. “What have you been up to?”

“I have nothing interesting to say”, he shrugs his shoulders.

In truth, he is not willing to share the dark path he’s taken. Involved with the gang of his Hightower cousins, coercing those who owe Gerold some money, and doing other business on behalf of Aegon, he now believes to be a loser when compared to you.

“I doubt that”, you poke him. “Come now… What has your father forced you to do now?”

Mr Viserys is the main man behind the Targaryen Org., an advocacy office that has been working in politics behind the scenes and that has produced a few presidents of Westeros, the most recent of them being his daughter, Rhaenyra.

He expects his children to follow the same path, and that is why he and his sons—Aemond and Aegon, particularly—never really enjoyed a good and stable relationship. To worse it all, Mrs Alicent, his second wife, is facing a crisis in their marriage.

Aware of this background, you know how all of these quarreling have produced deep scars on Aemond.

“You should be whoever you want to be, you know”, so you say, holding his hand. “The world is yours if you so wish, Aemond.”

Reclining against the chair, he says nothing for a while, appreciating the song, the beer and… when looking at you, your company.

“You are too good for me, Y/N”, he murmurs, before taking a sip.

***

But she wears short skirts. I wear T-shirts. She's Cheer Captain, and I'm on the bleachers. Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find that what you're looking for has been here the whole time…

You are coming back from jogging when you see her for the very first time. Taller than you, more gracious, prettier and sensual in the way she walks, Alys Rivers is dressing short skirts and a white top that reinforces her curves.

You feel embarrassed, not to say envious, when looking at what you are wearing by comparison. Blue t-shirts and black pants, your college hat and the same cute ponytail.

Insecurity hits hard and you hate yourself for it. But truth is, one is never too old to be hit by intern instability.

You also notice Aemond is having a wild barbecue at his household. At first you are hurt for not being invited, but when carefully noticing who is there, you realize it’s better for you not to get yourself involved in this kind of matter.

Exhibited like a trophy is his girlfriend, surrounded by Aemond’s Hightower cousins. You are not entirely ignorant of their illicit activities and considering Aemond’s rebellious nature, it does not shock you those are his new friends. It is more disappointing to feel overshadowed by that woman.

In the midst of this noise, Aemond feels the weight of your gaze. There is so much to be said. This is not the barbecue he wanted to do, he’s never been a lousy man, rather being introspective.

But one miscommunication, and you go back inside, heading to the shower as you carry disappointment with you.

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you, been here all along. So, why can't you see? You belong with me…

It’s been two weeks. What was meant to be a surprisingly good reunion with your childhood best friend is proving to be another heartbreak you thought you’d not have to face since Jacaerys Velaryon cheated on you with his own cousin.

You opt to open a beer and throw yourself in the couch, watch some Netflix cliche, refusing to voice out your inner frustrations. What the fuck were you thinking again? Projecting romance to your life like you are the protagonist of some Christmas movie is old news.

It’s when a knock on the door scares you. Who might be in this hour?

Oh, I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night. I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're 'bout to cry. And I know your favorite songs. And you tell me 'bout your dreams. Think I know where you belong. Think I know it's with me.

“Hey”, you are surprised to meet him.

Aemond is dressed in his old jeans and a white blouse. He stands before you not with the happiest faces.

“Come here, darling”, you welcome him with opened arms. “What the hell happened now?”

He is silent like always, but promptly accepts your embrace. Only then, carried to your couch, he slides to your side and takes your beer.

“I fucked shit up, Y/N.” He avoids your merciful and comprehensive gaze.

“I doubt it. But what you have done now? And where’s your girlfriend?”

“We had a fight”, Aemond rolls his eyes, sinking in the couch. You realize he’s still drinking of your beer, but you don’t mind it. “She’s very possessive. I was talking to Helaena… My own sister, and she keeps being demanding.”

Then he looks at you, expecting some answer. It takes you by surprise, though, when he changes topics abruptly by saying:

“Why did you have to go?”

“Uh?”, you barely flutter your eyelashes at it. “What are you talking about?”

“You moved out 12 years ago to High Garden”, and here comes the subtle resentment.

You take his hand and play with fingers, head resting on the back of the couch as you and him lock gazes.

“I had no choice upon the matter. I was transferred to another school because of my father. You remember that.”

“You never sent me an email.”

“Neither did you.”

For a moment there is silence hanging between you. And then Aemond says:

“I’ve heard you dated that Jacaerys lad.”

You scoff.

“How’d you know that?”

“He is my fucking nephew”, and for some strange reason this makes you two laugh. “I’m sorry about how things ended for you two. Harwin was pretty excited for having you as his probable daughter-in-law.”

“You don’t like this idea very much”, you smile at his subtle jealousy. “Something which we know wouldn’t work out well.”

Aemond’s eyes move to his hand intertwined with yours. A view that warms his heart.

“What happened?”

You opt to drink beer instead of responding him. As he studies you, Aemond spots some hurt behind your y/c eyes.

“He didn’t…”, Aemond cannot consider this option. Even so, the mere idea angers him. “Did he?! What a fucking asshole!”

To your surprise, he’s the one to hug you.

“I’m sorry, Y/Nickname. You deserve better.”

You sigh heavily, resting your head against his shoulder. For a moment, it feels like you are teenagers again and it’s you and him against the world.

“It’s all right. It’s in the past now.”

The rest of the evening is spent in between sweet talks, beers here and there. Until all breaks with a call.

“Ugh”, Aemond grumbles. “It’s her.”

As if you are reminded that this bad boy prince is nothing but a long time rebellious friend, you set your heart at easy with the crude dose of reality.

“You should better get going”, you help him stand. “After all, you have a girl waiting for you.”

Aemond rolls his eyes.

“I don’t like how this sounds.”

An intense stare.

“Am I lying, Targaryen?”

He laughs quietly.

“No, Y/LN. I hate you for it.”

For now you two follow separate ways. For now.

***

The more time Aemond spends with you, the more drawn he is to light. Whenever he’s with you, he can talk about his dreams—he wants to have an independent career, nothing related to law or politics, perhaps something related to humanities—, he is allowed to have hopes and become a better person. All of this is possible when he’s with you.

But now… far from his family and emerged in this bitter darkness that his temperamental cousins and his girlfriend aligned with his dark desires, he’s realized how wronged he’d been.

He is broken, he knows it.

“Where have you been?!”, she calls him out. “I’ve been calling you for hours.”

And he decides he’s the author of his life. He let others broke him, but that’s enough for him.

When looking at Alys, Aemond knows now how he belongs with you. He just hopes it’s not too late to make it right.

“I owe you no explanations of what I do, or wherever I go. And you know what, Alys? I’m tired of this life. Just… go away.”

She wants to argue, but he doesn’t have any patience for it. The door is open and Aemond makes it clear with his deadly silent moves. He’s a winner now.

“Fine. But you’ll regret it.”

Empty words that the wind takes away after he closes the door. As he looks at the phone, he knows he needs to call the other woman whom he should have never hurt in first place.

His mother.

***

Standing by and waiting at your backdoor. All this time how could you not know, baby?

You are preparing to leave to your college when he crosses your path.

“Hey. Where the fuck are you going to?!”, Aemond asks you, paled when realizing that he, in fact, might be a little late.

“I told you I’ve only had a few weeks here, A. I’m going back to college”, you side smirk. “What’s that face? Why are you looking so serious?”

He swallows his pride and then takes your hands in his, clasping them together.

“I love you, Y/N.”

You swear you are about to faint. And maybe your sudden paling makes sure Aemond is holding you tight.

“Don’t pass out, woman”, he chuckles lightly, though you spot concern in his eyes. “I mean it.”

“B-But Aemond”, you say, struggling to understand. “I am going back to college for my final semester and I thought you were in a relationship?”

Cupping your face with his hands, he turns at you with the sweetest smile you’d ever seen, saying:

“That should not be a problem. I’m on my way to be with you. I shall rent an apartment there and work at my father’s company all the whilst I start to study history. I’m getting my shit together, Y/N, and have all this to thank you for. As for my relationship, I broke up with her. Can’t you see I’m doing all of this for you?”

“Oh Aemond!”, you sigh in content before leaning to kiss his lips.

He smiles in secrecy as his hands slide firmly on your waist firmly, kissing you in return. It is as it should be. He belongs with you, after all.

***

• Epilogue.

Twelve months later…

“What are you reading today, my dear?”, you recline back in your chair and turn your head to look at him, heart melting before the sight of him all concentrated.

Lowering down his book, Aemond smiles quietly at you.

“The history of Westeros through the chroniclers. Quite an interesting reading”. He puts the book aside and pats a seat next to him at the large bed he’s in.

You leave your computer there and happily complies, soon adjusting to his arm, smiling as he plays with your ponytail.

“How’s work today?”, he asks you, in turn.

It’s winter and it’s snowing, but you’ve managed to work from home. A good excuse to be around your betrothed—oh yes, he proposed you recently, about six months after you two moved in together.

“Not very demanding today, thankfully”, you turn at him and smile fondly, caressing his cheek. “Your mother wants to spend Christmas with us.”

Your rogue prince, despite cutting his hair and dressing better, straightening his path, remains temperamental when it comes to his family. He rolls his eyes, before sighing.

“Really now? What did you say?”

You bury your head against his chest all the whilst Aemond wraps you around his arms, throwing blanket over you two.

“I told her to come. I think we might expect everyone, really. I hear she’s in good terms with Rhaenyra too.” Apparently, the two had had a bad fight last autumn.

“Oh no”, he groans.

“Look at the bright side, Leana, Aegon and Daeron are coming as well.”

“This apartment isn’t big enough for all of them, my darling”.

You raise your eyes to meet his. He’s so adorable wearing glasses, you thought.

“It is, it is. I’ll make sure everything is going to be perfect”, you smile warmly.

Aemond smiles back at you.

“Damn, I cannot say no to you. Fine, do your best. And since we are welcoming this big dysfunctional family of mine, how about inviting yours too?”

You tilt your head, smiling.

“Really?”

He scoffs.

“Of course, silly head.”

You lean to kiss his lips.

“I love how Christmas man you’ve become, sweet Aemond.”

He chuckles quietly.

“That’s only because you’ve made me one, darling.”

Leaving aside his book and glasses, he leans to kiss you deeply and you return it passionately. This afternoon is surely going to be warmer than expected…

[ivysangel]

Okay but you’re so right with the abundance of easy access smut books cuz at my big age of 24, I have the same thoughts when I see what booktok recommends when a stray vid pop up on my feed. With how cute these covers are getting they 100% should have a marker somewhere on the front or back saying there’s explicit material ahead cuz even some of my mangas have warnings on either the front or back cover saying it’s got explicit content or is for 18+ audiences. The smutty mangas also come shrink wrapped so kids don’t open it easily to read it in stores. And some of the labelled ones I have are gorey/violent while some are smut. Either way it gets a warning label. They’re small warnings so it doesn’t call people’s attention like an old school bodice ripper book does, or monster girl hentai mangas do where the titties are out on the cover, nipples and all. Someone will probably argue about manga being images but I really like the little label either way. So I think that books should get the same and include a label for explicit content.

I’m all for youngsters reading books since it feels like kids aren’t reading the way they used to, but I feel like now you gotta put in twice the effort to get them something appropriate and not accidentally get a 12 year old a smutty book. I remember there was a vid or post I came across online, where a girl around my age I think, got her 12-14 year old sister or cousin a smutty book cuz she didn’t know what it was and thought that it was a cute romance story between an ice skater and hockey player and thought she’d like it. And finding out later what it’s REALLY about is just 😬😬

But for the life of me, I can’t understand why the more mature books can’t just go for maybe a more simplistic route for the covers if people are so worried about being discreet? Why do the covers have to be cute and cartoony for it to be discreet enough to read in public?? Examples on my bookcase that aren’t smut but has a more minimal cover is Rebecca, Hunger Games, Red Queen (only read the first book so no clue if there’s more sexual or suggestive content in the later books), Beauty, heartless but I think you could put the whole lunar chronicles series here cuz I liked these covers but these are the old ones and not the new covers from I wanna say 2020. But these authors or cover artists, whoever is in charge of the covers, could go for more simplistic or even use some kind of symbolic image approach instead of slapping a very cutely drawn couple on the covers for the ones who like discreet covers. Like there’s so many other ways to approach a more discreet book cover then this bait and switch

hi sweetheart!!! i am so sorry i went over a month without answering this, i've been living such an insane life for like twoish months, and i have been reading asks and forgetting to answer asks in the midst of all this chaos, but please know that i DID read this when you initially sent it, and i had every intention to respond in a timely manner yet i very clearly failed :(((

i also just wanna say that my ears literally perked up at the mention of red queen because reading a review of it around a year ago, and it lowkey radicalized me against the whole booktok movement. like, i am tired of readers judging authors' choices not to put explicit sex scenes in their own books. i feel like if you can't read a book that doesn't involve graphic sex, or if you get upset when a book doesn't have it when it's never even beer advertised to include one, you probably have a problem…it's kind of ironic if you think about it? the way they're kind of setting themselves up to be disappointed?

anyway, i literally remember seeing an other on tiktok show off a version of her books that were discreet. they were solid colors with the titles embossed into the cover or smth and i honestly thought it was really cute and got the job done. they were even color coded based on how dark the content got??? like that's a good system if you ask me.

at the end of the day, i just think that a lot of people on booktok can't see past themselves and their own interests. they're very selfish people and completely unable to see the bigger picture

[smilingformoney]

✨Trivia time✨

Just for fun here are some fun facts about plotlines, both abandoned ones and ones that made it in

Plotlines that have always been in my head since Abbie popped into existence in my head 12 years ago

Abbie is Snape’s Gryffindor daughter in the same year as Harry who is friends with Draco

Snape doesn’t know about Abbie until she starts Hogwarts

Her name has always been Abbie/Abigail

She gets attacked by Lucius at the Department of Mysteries, though this was going to be for different reasons and in a slightly different way

Plotlines that were rotating in my head 12 years ago but never came to be because either they didn’t fit the story anymore or they were just stupid

Abbie’s mother was called Suzie/Suzanne and she was a one-night stand

Abbie had a muggle step-father

Suzie’s father was Tom Riddle, making Abbie a parselmouth

Suzie’s mother was also a one-night stand and Tom/Voldy didn’t know about her

This one’s a doozy: After Snape died, Abbie found the only way to save him was to go back in time. But she couldn’t go back in time but she did discover that time is cyclical so she became immortal and lived so long that the universe died and reformed around her. By the time she came back around again, she was trillions of years old and basically a god. But her memory was still human, so she could only remember a few hundred years at a time, meaning she’d forgotten all about her father and was doomed to live an eternal cycle, knowing there was something she was meant to do, some purpose to her immortality, but she’d forgotten it long ago. (Copyright me if I ever take this and turn it into some actual fantasy story)

Plotlines that I thought of while writing and/or initially intended to include before I started but they didn’t come to be

Abbie dies after saving Snape (might do an AU oneshot of this one day if I feel like breaking everyone’s hearts)

Abbie and Draco were going to be romantic until I realised she was gay

Sephy finds out she’s the product of Abraxas Malfoy’s affair with a muggle servant. Might also write an AU of this eventually. Canned because it felt too Eastenders-y + it would have made Abbie and Draco cousins (not that purebloods care about that) + I prefer Sephy coming from nowhere

Post war, James and Lily come back to life. Purely based on my desire to rub Sev and Sephy’s relationship in their faces, however I hate the Somehow Palpatine Returned trope and believe the moment death becomes impermanent in a story it loses all meaning (*stares hard at Supernatural and Moffat-era Doctor Who*) so in the bin it goes

I considered how far Abbie and Draco’s fake relationship was going to go and even considered them having to consummate and her getting pregnant but I decided not to go that far because I didn’t feel comfortable writing either Abbie or Draco in that position

Plotlines that weren’t my intention going in but happened because the story has a will of its own and I am but its teller

Abbie being gay

Abbie and Neville being besties

The arranged marriage

Snape and Sephy’s whole romance

Abbie and Snape’s kind of unhealthily codependent relationship. Originally he was going to be cold and distant like we see in earlier chapters for pretty much the entire time and he wasn’t going to admit he loved her until he was dying.

(Basically, I vastly underestimated Snape’s ability to love them)

Plotlines I regret/could have done better

Persephone and the dark magic book, I feel I should have done it better and built up to it more and had the consequences last longer

Teen Sev and Sephy by the lake, I should have just had them kissing or something. My horny mind made them shag but I should have kept their original virginity stories intact.

[kindheart525]

How do Red Cedar, Minted Glacier and the children of Obbi, Rainier and Polly cope with the death of their lovers/parents?

Btw, I love how much thought goes into this interesting and fun AU!

Thank you so much!! I’ve been having a ton of fun with this AU; it really lets me go outside of my usual comfort zone in tone and characterization and I’m really loving the exercise.

Red Cedar’s whole family has a pretty long history with the Apples, with her father’s friendship with Bright Mac, her mother’s friendship with Applejack, her sister’s relationship with one of the (surviving) Apple cousins, and her own relationship with Rainier. So, after a number of their loved ones get taken from them by this horrible evil, it’s no question that the two families would join forces. Cedar is treated by the Apples like one of their own just as much as her own parents love her, so she has a lot of support. Which she’ll need since she was most likely pregnant with at least one of her and Rainier’s children when he died (not sure which one but there aren’t 14 of them in this au). She’s absolutely devastated without Rainier, but she hardly has to parent alone with the whole family helping her.

Minted Glacier and Cherry Berry Sherbet would get a very large inheritance from Polly no question, but of course no amount of money can fill the hole he left with his absence. Mint would become very paranoid knowing his husband was murdered by such a powerful evil, and he would probably become an extremely private individual in an effort to protect himself and CheBe even though that evil is gone. But he would also want to do some good with all the money that he’s been left with. In the spirit of Polly’s philanthropy career but in a way that is much more concretely helpful, he would donate much of his fortune to help the families of all the others that were killed, like he would appreciate being done for him if he had any financial need. Of course he keeps enough for himself and CheBe (and his sister and parents too) to live comfortably for the rest of their lives, but the vast majority of that money is donated to a selfless cause.

As I get to Obsidian, I should explain that the timeline of the horror AU is a little different from the timeline of the original Auraverse. In the OG universe, Obbi and Yngvlid don’t get together until Obbi’s son Volcanic Jasper is about 12-13 years old, but there’s no way Iolite would wait that long to start killing. So, Yng and Obbi get together much earlier in Jasper’s life (which works because they knew each other for much longer anyway). Also, I like to think Iolite spent some time isolating herself as the evil gradually took over her mind, giving Crash enough time to at least get Obbi pregnant even if he doesn’t get much time with his son after that. After both Crash and Obbi are dead, Yngvlid sends the young and orphaned Jasper to live with his Uncle Mountain Peak to keep him safe on the off chance that there’s still any lurking evil watching her. Since Mounty is permanently single, she believes he has the lowest risk of attracting any of Iolite’s wrath, if she did have any power to resurrect Sombra-style.

[pynkhues]

kinda niche but any books or plays you would want to see adapted into a prestige miniseries / film that havent yet ??

Ooo, that's such an interesting question. I've been seeing a lot of theatre over the last few months, and have actually seen a lot of tremendous plays (and a couple of very bad ones, haha), but the majority of them have been one-act indies which don't necessarily lend themselves to TV or film adaptations. My favourite was My Sister Feather, which was actually probably one of the best theatre experiences I've ever had (I wept through the last half), but I don't think it'd work as a film or series at all. It's such a play to me.

Books there are a few though! I read Maaza Mengiste's The Shadow King last year which has really stuck with me and I think could be an incredible series.

The Devil in the White City is one of my favourite true crime books, and something I think would be an incredible series if done right. Martin Scorsese has had the rights to the book for approximately 12 million years which I was SO excited about, but then he handed the directing reigns over to Todd Field (less excited by that, but not-not excited), but he's now left post-Tar, and Hulu's just dropped it too, so I'm in doubt it'll ever be made.

The Secret History by Donna Tartt would be great too, but I'd worry what that could set off in terms of pop culture, haha.

Actually though, I think the film or series I fantasise about the most is one about Ann Rule. Ann Rule is a very famous true crime author and while I've read a lot of her books and have always loved her writing style, I've always found her own story one that's so interesting. She grew up middle class and while both her parents were teachers, she had a lot of family members in the judicial system - her grandfather a sheriff, her uncle a medical examiner, a cousin who worked as a prosecuter for the DA's office.

She studied creative writing and psychology at college, but she ended up deciding to be a police officer only to be fired at 21 for her eyesight. She ended up marrying young and having four children, and then her husband left her. With old connections to the police force, she started writing true crime stories off recently closed cases to sell to magazines which was enough for her to get by, and then in 1971, she sold her first book proposal to write about the currently active Campus Killer. At around the same time, she started volunteering at a suicide hotline only to be sat next to, and befriend, a guy who she'd learn over the course of the year was the Campus Killer, Ted Bundy.

The Stranger Beside Me, the book she wrote, was a huge success, and it's genuinely a pretty brilliant read. Ann's such a great writer, and combined with her meticulous research and her own self-reflection (and criticism) of her relationship with him, the judicial system and herself and her family too. It's great, insightful and devastating, and I've read it a few times over and can't believe it hasn't had a prestige adaptation already.

I do think there's a series in her life generally too though, because Ann would write 32 more true crime books and develop an enormous following, and the way she balanced a complicated relationship with celebrity, crime and commercial gain is messy and Ann isn't always likable, but she's always interesting, and I feel like she deserves a story that really unpacks all of that.

[inamanicpixiedream]

2022

I've answered these questions on various platforms for over ten years now, I think? That's wild. There's better questions out there but tradition is tradition.

1. What did you do this year that you’d never done before?

Lived alone.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions?

I don't tend to make them. My goals evolved over the year. I did aim to spend more time doing creative stuff and while I still didn't meet my expectations, I did did more than I had previously and just feel like I'm moving more to where I want to be.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My aunty gave birth to my cousin, which will probably be the last of our generation of grandchildren. We share the same middle name - my grandma's name - which feels really special.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Not a person, but my darling dog Juno had to be put down a few months ago. She was almost thirteen years old, and it was time, but that was just awful.

5. What cities/states/countries did you visit?

This year I found myself in a long distance relationship, so I went to Brisbane quite a lot. Got back today from my fifth trip today.

Also went to Melbourne for the weekend with a friend which was lovely.

6. What would you like to have next year that you lacked this year?

More stability in health and finances. Otherwise, time with my partner.

7. What date(s) from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Hoo boy, some pretty big ones. The end of April had a lot of significant dates, culminating on May 4, where I asked to separate from my husband.

And also began a new relationship.

April was a time, y'all.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Professionally, I was on top of things this year. After a couple of years where I felt overwhelmed and underappreciated, and like I wasn't doing anything right. Taking a step back from leadership and just focusing on what I was doing in the classroom was huge.

Personally? Realising I had more agency in my life than I realised.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not having that realisation earlier, I guess.

And while I do not really regret anything, there are things about my separation I could have handled better.

10. What other hardships did you face?

I mean....kind hard to trump my marriage ending. That really was the biggest thing that happened to me, though that phrase implies I had no agency in it, when in reality it was the most empowering thing I've ever done.

Grappling with the decision, putting it into action, and then dealing with the fallout is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

But also one of the best.

11. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I strained my ACL and the meniscus tendon in my right knee on my first flight to Brisbane, giving up my seat so two friends could sit together. I am lucky it wasn't worse; thankfully no surgery, just rehab and a splint, and a weak knee for god knows how long.

12. What was the best thing you bought?

All those plane tickets are up there.

But Leia, my puppy, has got to top this list. I bought her a few months after Juno died, when it was clear Percy needed a companion. It was also a decision I got to make on my own, when I was new to making those, and she has been the perfect little addition to our family. She has helped so much with my healing and the rebuild of my life.

13. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

The support and love my family, friends, and even colleagues showed me this year was unexpected and unparalleled. Where I expected judgement, I got compassion. My workplace accepted my name change without question and told me I could take as much leave as I needed. I was overwhelmed by how much understanding I was shown.

14. Whose behaviour made you appalled?

While he was acting, understandably, out of hurt, shock, and wounded pride, my ex-husband did not take our break up well, and as a result, said and did things that were beyond what I would have thought he would have. Appalled is the right description for my response. Only good thing that came out of this was it just confirmed my decision.

Also, fuck Elon Musk and Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson.

15. Where did most of your money go?

Plane tickets.

But also I had to refurnish my entire house. I did say my ex could take anything he wanted, with the exception of my bookshelves and personal belongings, and he took absolutely everything. My entire savings went to new things, and while that sucked, everything I have in my own now is mine, and bought with my money, and by my choice. I have loved making my house my own.

16. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Every time I went to Brisbane. Adopting Leia. The release of Midnights. Finally seeing Hamilton. Feeling free.

17. What song will always remind you of this year?

Call It What You Want To by Taylor Swift.

The entire Midnights album.

A bunch of other love songs.

18. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder? Oh, so much happier. Happier than I ever thought I could possibly be. ii. Thinner or fatter? I no longer pay attention to this. Probably fatter, and that's fine. I struggle a lot with my knowledge that this doesn't matter and the world's expectations on me and my body, but all I want to do is focus on my health and my strength, and fuck what I look like. iii. Richer or poorer? Technically poorer, but I have complete control over my own finances now, so while I'm broke af right now, it's in my hands, and I can afford to rent a house on my own, and buy food, and go out, and do things for myself occasionally. I am grateful finances were not a factor in preventing me from leaving my husband. I have less money, but I feel richer.

19. What do you wish you’d done more of? Reading and writing. Going to the cinema.

20. What do you wish you’d done less of? Sleeping. Worrying.

21. How did you spend Christmas? My family did our celebration on the 18th. We had a potluck lunch at my aunty's house, and it was the first time I'd seen my new baby cousin, and I was a bit worried about it being there for the first time without my husband but it turned out to be lovely.

I then drove over 2000km to Brisbane with the dogs, and spend Christmas with my boyfriend and his family. I was nervous about it, as I hadn't met all of them before, and I knew a bit about their dynamic, but it was wonderful, and I was the first girlfriend he'd ever brought to Christmas, and he was super nervous too, but it went super well and he was so happy and relieved, and that made me happy.

The best part though was honestly Christmas Eve. We made spaghetti together, and I've never had someone help me in the kitchen like that before. We played The Whitlams, and then ate dinner with a bottle of rosé I brought, a gift from a student. We ended up doing karaoke, just the two of us warbling away to Jolene, Dancing in the Dark and You Gotta Be. He then asked if we could exchange gifts then because he couldn't wait, so that's what we did. It was lovely because of what it was, but also because it felt like the start of new traditions, and I haven't felt that way in a long time.

22. Did you fall in love this year? 

This really is the story of 2022 for me.

I'm not going to tell all of it, partly because it doesn't entirely belong to me, and partly because there's a lot of it I want to keep to myself.

On top of that, some of it I have already shared here. I was married for thirteen years to the man I had dated since I was 13. He was not a bad or abusive man, but there were several aspects of our relationship that often left me feeling unhappy, unseen, and unloved. But I did not know I could do anything about this. Requests for change, therapy, and even listening, went unheeded. I did not know I had the right to ask for anything else.

And then I fell in love with someone else. I was not looking for it. I did not expect it. I did not ask for it. It took me by surprise and when I saw it for what it was, it only shined a brighter light on the emptiness I felt with my husband. I confided my feelings, and the object of my affection told me simply to work things out with my husband, and he would always be my friend, and he wanted me to be happy. Nothing else happened.

But when I spoke to my husband about the problems that I saw in our marriage, and confessed that I had developed feelings for someone else, I was not faced with anyone who was open to working things out. I was told the problems in our relationship were not ours, but mine. I was told my expectations were unrealistic. I was told I was addicted to attention. I was told that the ball was in my court.

So, I left. I didn't leave for someone else; I left for me. I didn't know anyone else would be waiting for me. What I did know was that I'd a glimpse of another future for myself, and just the knowledge that it was possible was enough to know I had to leave.

But after I asked for the separation, the man I loved was waiting for me. He told me I didn't have to stay, that I was free now and could do anything I wanted. He had no expectations of me, and all he wanted was for me to be happy.

I did not know it was possible to be in love the way we are. I sold myself short for years. It feels like a waste of time, but god, I cannot believe how lucky I am to have it now.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I don’t think so.

24. What was your favorite show? Frontline. The Hollowmen. Always Sunny. Derry Girls. Abbott Elementary. Curb Your Enthusiasm.

25. What was the best book you read? Tell Me Again by Amy Thunig. How We Love by Clementine Ford. Surely You're Joking Mr Feynman by Richard P. Feynman. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery of the year? My boyfriend is a DJ who's passion is electronic music, so I've been introduced to a lot of that this year.

27. What was your favorite film? 

Films that came out this year - Elvis. Top Gun: Maverick. I also barely saw anything new so I know there'd be more.

 Films I watched for the first time - The Man from Earth. Anna and the Apocolypse. Being John Malkovich.

28. What was your favorite meal?

I made a lot of burgers for myself which is easy and good and comforting.

One night we went out to a Korean BBQ and I honestly think that's one of the best meals I've ever had.

29. What did you want and get?

To stay in my home and keep my dogs.

30. What did you want and not get?

I don't know how to answer this, for some reason.

31. What did you do on your birthday and how old did you turn?

I turned 34. I went to work, and then streamed on Twitch in the evening.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

To be able to get divorced. I hate that I haven't been able to fully close that chapter, and I hate the policy that says I have to wait 12 months before I know my mind and what I want.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of the year?

Comfortable. Embracing my body. Showing my tattoos. As sustainable as possible.

34. What kept you sane?

My dogs. My friends. Podcasts, particularly Maintence Phase and MBMBaM. My boyfriend. My students.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you admire the most?

Michael Hobbes, who may just be on this list forever and ever. Clementine Ford, whose work inspired me to change my life.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? The overturn of Roe v Wade - don't know if I've ever been so angry to get the news. Misogynist, right-wing men having huge platforms.

37. Who did you miss? Long distance relatonships are terrible, and I miss my boyfriend every day I am without him.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

A bunch of new people on Twitch, a community that is still new to me but been so wonderful.

39. What valuable life lesson did you learn this year?

You deserve more.

40. What is a quote that sums up your year?

Sometimes love means having the courage to end what is no longer working. Love for other people. Love for ourselves.

From 'Leave Your Husband', in How We Love by Clementine Ford

You know there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love The slowest way is never loving them enough Do you really want to know where I was April 29th? Do I really have to tell you how he brought me back to life?

From 'High Infidelity,' on Midnights, by Taylor Swift

[savingthrcw]

yep, I'm doing it

temporary page for Bonnie "BonBon" Gillanders, oc for Bridgerton, and excuse the poor photoshop skills but she has scars and walks with a cane:

(it's a poor representation but at least you know where the scars are)

Triggers: ableism due to her mother and how certain elements of the ton may react, mostly, which can't be tagged because subtle and pretty much always present. She's "disfigured" and keeps the lower half of her face hidden under her mother's orders (her left cheek and part of her chin are scarred), as well as having a limp and chronic pain on her right leg, which means she holds a cane with her left hand. *She* is fine about it, though she gets understandably angry about her leg when it hurts too badly. Open to ship with: men as long as they don't try to make her act more serious.

how did she get here? Born in Scotland in a very rich family, she grew up as a very obedient child, until at age 12 her eldest brother Alexander Jr. (18) and elder sister Fiona (15) took her out with their carriage; they had an accident, the carriage rolled down a small cliff and she was the only one to survive. Her knee was permanently injured and she suffers from chronic pains and inflammations that keep her in bed, her face was disfigured, but other than that she was nearly unscated. Her father (Alexander), terrified at the thought of losing her, from then on kept her constantly in the house and barely let her go outside to protect her, seeing her as too damaged to survive it. Her mother (Joyce), ashamed and horrified by the way her now only daughter looked, kept her hidden for a different reason and forced her to keep a veil on her face every time people might be around, covering it from her nose down. They tried and succeeded at making two more heirs to keep the family line going (Michael and Alice), then recently inherited a fortune from her recently passed maternal uncle, with the condition that they'd take care of Bonnie's cousin Leandra Lees, and moved to London to start anew; now it's time to introduce Leandra to society and help her find a husband, and Bonnie (24 years old) would like to slip in, veil on her face or not, and see more of the world. She was followed by Mr. and Mrs. Grey, who take care of her at all times and have done so all her life (especially since she was left to her own devices a lot). (Leandra is the one who called her BonBon first, and it stuck.)

Personality:

She makes jokes. Stupid jokes, jokes at the expense of her limp, jokes about her various physical problems to make men uncomfortable. She laughs a lot and loves everything new she can see and find. She feels no shame or insecurities at all when it comes to her disability, perhaps because her mother does, but assumes she'll stay a spinster, and therefore while a bit shy with men due to inexperience, she tends to quickly make herself comfortable because she feels she has nothing to lose. Very lonely. Very romantic. Tried several hobbies and art and anything that could keep her busy, wrote to Leandra and anyone who would write back. Sometimes she embarrasses herself by speaking too much. The fact that her mother acts and talks as if she has some sort of contagious infection is both hilarious and annoying to her. The only thing that tends to make her lose her temper is when the pain in her leg is enough to force her back to bed (because she's human) otherwise she faces obstacles with humor, which generally makes her mother throw fits as she should be crying like her. She refuses to try to disappear and instead wears the most beautiful gowns and does her best to have fun.

If in need of a connection to get to know her in threads, you can assume she immediately befriended my Eloise, who is offended on her behalf at the thought that she is treated that way by her mother and, partly, by society for not 'respecting their antiquated and unrealistic beauty standards'. If you play Eloise, then it's Lady Danbury who introduces her.  

modern verses

Replace carriage with car and her backstory is nearly the same, except that the reason why they didn't put her through cosmetic surgery despite having the money is that her body took years to recover from the wounds, with period infections and inflammations; she was very fragile and since the scars didn't cause her any particular grief the doctors postponed it. She was homeschooled ever since the accident for this reason as well as her parents still being, well, her parents, even if there would not be the same level of stigma anymore. Her parents still made younger kids, not because of inheritance (she can inherit, she doesn't have to marry, and she is more likely to find a husband in modern times) but because her mother could not accept having her as her only daughter.

Bonnie, torn between accepting disability checks and finding very low-paid jobs that would allow her to take breaks when the knee pain demanded it, and thankfully having the privilege to come from a rich family, decided to work towards the goal of working as a manager, with some occasional tutoring kids old enough not to need her being able to run around. She likes to keep busy, even if she has to be mindful of her chronic pain. In all universes her job accidentally leads her to discover far too much which is the only excuse I can find for her to interact with your muses as an otherwise completely normal person.

Informant in Chuck, maybe put to work at the Buymore in one way or another, Survivor in Lost who keeps her disability but is working on her mother-issues. In Fallout she could have entered the pre-war game as Charlie's manager, who was also convinced that Vault Tec was up to no good (and wouldn't have found place in many vaults as a disabled person), which meant reaching Moldaver, who instead took her in and pushed her to use her charisma to find more people for her project. She was put in cryo with Moldaver's group. Can't be a raider with a limp, she still managed to survive out of sheer luck and became a singer who knows everything about everyone (no, I'm not doing it on purpose to write so many people who can sing in the fallout universe, this is a coincidence because of her bridgerton backstory and the fact that I love the actress' voice)

[ihatemyselfbutidolovetea]

12/31/2023

Well, here we are at the end of 2023. I don't remember if I did an end-of-the-year diary entry. This has possibly been the most stressful year I've been through and I imagine it will get harder and more stressful. All that means is that I am participating in life like everyone else on the planet. I've made new friends, I've gained new experiences, I got a new job, I've learned more about myself... Despite the stress, I'd say there is a lot to appreciate about 2023.

This one is going to be a long one... I've been getting into Jennette McCurdy's work, and I listened to her year-end review podcast episode. So instead of just talking about my year in a stream of consciousness, I'm going to start with answering the same questions she did in her podcast.

What is your proudest achievement?

I'm proud of maintaining a job while going to school. I think the previous me would have definitely given up by now, but knowing that I'm about to reach my one year of working for Jewel makes me feel more confident. I feel like I can do more.

2. What or whom are you most thankful for?

I'm thankful for a lot of people in my life to be honest, it's hard to rank them all. But if I had to say, my confidante would be there. There are people who try their best to motivate me and support me, and honestly bless their hearts for trying. But I feel like no one really talks to me the way he does. The way he radically accepts me, and trusts me. The way he will stay up all night to give me a friend to talk to and enrich my life. The way he forgives me when I honestly don't deserve it. It is the kind of forgiveness that doesn't make me feel, "welp, all's well things are normal." It's the kind of forgiveness that inspires me. At one point in the heat of despair, he asks me what I gain out of our companionship and I wish I could have said this. I just said garbled prattling. I hope we can continue to be companions.

3. What surprised you most?

I had a very traumatic November. The month wherein Jayson didn't want to be with me was something I was not prepared for. Everything shitty leading up to that was equally painful. We were fighting a lot. Edit: I wrote down some memories of our fights, but I decided to delete that part because I honestly want to forget those moments and leave them in the past. Jayson will probably want us to forget those bad times. And I'm getting old, memories that would have haunted me as a child or a teen don't stick with me anymore, the perks of having a goldfish memory bank. I know Jayson regrets how he's acted. The day he took me back was polarizing. I loved him, and I wanted to be with him, but the tiger parenting and the abandonment made me hesitant. Ultimately if he was willing to give me a chance to grow as a person, then I wanted to do the same. We are still together. When I told my cousin we repaired our relationship she asked me if I was happy. I didn't know if I was but after spending time with Jayson again, I was reminded why my heart chose him. Right now we are very happy, and we are excited to move forward in our lives.

4. How has your relationship with yourself changed?

I think this was the year I've done the most changing, ergo my relationship with myself has changed. I still struggle with loving myself, I'm still overcritical, I struggle with forgiving myself, and I beat myself up when I've not improved enough. What has improved is my strife to understand what my own needs are and I'm more motivated to go after what I want. I want to try new things, face more fears, be myself in a way that is loud and confident, and unapologetic. I've come to appreciate how impenetrable my optimism is. I get sad, frustrated, and insecure, but I don't feel trapped in my negativity. No matter how much I dislike people, no matter how dark and scary the world seems to be, I somehow manage to find reasons to smile.

5. How have your life goals changed?

I've added more life goals whether that would be the long-term or the short term. Some goals have been taking me a long time to achieve, but I don't think I've ever given up on a goal. There might have been some advice my peers have given me, I try them and then decide they aren't for me so I stop. But I don't think that counts...?

6. How have your relationships with your friends and family changed?

I'll start with family first. I've grown more emotionally distant from my siblings. Reese is still brotherly to me but he's involved with the school so much that he's evolved to a level of communication I cannot talk with. Aki just hates me. Gwen is difficult to talk to, we're on different levels of development. I don't really have the desire to grow closer to them. I still want to maintain a good relationship with my parents. My relationship with my mom hasn't changed. I've grown to appreciate my dad more. Although my dad has a bad case of Trump derangement syndrome. All he watches is neo-lib socialists that make whole-ass careers outta saying "Orange man bad" a million different ways. I'm not political by the way, I just don't understand how my dad is entertained by this. Despite that, I love my dad and now that he's retired, I can look back at how hard he worked to give my family a great life. Outside my immediate family, I've spent quality time with my cousin for girl talk, which is nice. Next, I shall talk about my friends. Friendship is difficult to maintain as an adult. Especially if you aren't going to the same school or working at the same job. I've already discussed the rough patch with my boyfriend but we are improving things. I have other friends but I just don't know how to say hi or strike up a good conversation. I crave connection, I get frustrated at small talk or when I feel like I'm not being fully understood. This is why I talk to my confidante so much. The conversations we have feel meaningful. I'm anxious that I spilled my spaghetti on him sometimes. Edit: I don't like going back and removing my thoughts from my diary after I post but geez -a-loo I made a classic example of spilling my damn spaghetti. Our relationship has gone through some changes but I ended up focusing too much on the negative because I let my pride and ego cloud my judgment. You could tell I my head was up my ass cuz I focused too much on how it was affecting me and not the fact that I should be worried about how he's been sick and was making concerning jokes about himself. I'll write more about this concept but damn I needed an ego check. I really want to try to become proper friends with my art senpai. But I will have to get over my inferiority complex if I want to grow closer.

7. What do you wish you worried about less?

This is going to sound incredibly cliche, but I wish I would just stop worrying about what other people think. I still do and it's stunted my growth, it is almost in the realm of ruining my life. I want to stop letting people affect my mood, stop waiting to hear other people's opinions, and stop pretending like I understand how people are feeling when I really don't. The Healthy Gamer put out a video about rejection sensitivity and it pretty much summed up my problem

This is why I can't seem to sit with neutral or negative social interactions. All logic tells me that I won't loose my confidante as a friend, but the fact that I'm feeling the lack of presence or maybe feelings of disapproval more than anything positive makes me anxious. I end up spiraling and I keep asking myself what should I do to fix this now that I've fucked up the friendship. I think this also why I have a desire to be babied. A baby or a little girl will most likely have immediate approval just by existing. There's safety in knowing that whatever I do will be met with patience understanding and support, and not the risk of judgment or disappointment. It also leads into body dysmorphia, a problem I have relapsed into again and again when I thought I was over it. "Oh if only I was smaller and cuter people would like me, they'd want to take care of me, but instead I'm a tall ugly adult woman who's a total crybaby and needs to grow tf up." The dysmorphia really fucks with me and I wish it wasn't just a problem for me in 2023.

8. What is your funniest memory of the year?

I can't really think of anything Laugh out loud funny memories. I was more stressed out than laughing. If I had to pick it would be the strange Chicago whether that brought upon holiday tone switches. On Halloween, there was a big snowstorm. The snow didn't stick and pile on the ground for too long but just the amount made it difficult to walk or drive in it. You'd think something like this would happen on Christmas but no. On Christmas Eve there was a thick layer of fog that made my town feel like Silent Hill. I'm not kidding, the stores and Christmas decorations made everything feel so creepy and liminal. It was the strangest thing. It's funny how things turned out like that.

9. What new or renewed friendships do you cherish?

I cherish the friendships I have now. The only ones I can think of is the friendships I want to renew or plan to add to my life. I want to be proper friends with my art senpai, this is true. There are also a few friendships I've grown distant from due to being busy. One of my closer friends seems to have left Discord out of nowhere and I need to find a new way of contacting him.

10. What bad habits do you wish you'd changed?

Ohhhh so many bad habits I should have dropped yesterday. To list off a few, general laziness is a big one, overeating, and over-stimulation leading to short dopamine bursts; i.e. laying on my bed watching YouTube videos or worse watching pornography. There's also negative self-talk and the habit of jumping to bad conclusions. We've talked about how I'm so afraid of rejection and negative reactions from others. I also want to stop being so conflict-avoidant. I don't want drama, but I don't want to tolerate bad vibes in my life like I normally do just to keep a social circle or just to keep the peace. If there is conflict I want to limit how sensitive I can be. I'm just a sensitive person and I don't think that will change. But being overly sensitive has held me back in terms of social competency. I can't just take a joke, and I get overbearing to others like constantly asking how they are feeling. If I'm too clingy I end up trying to be too present in their lives. If I don't get a text back that causes a spiral of self-blame. Day ruined. I also want to stop touching and picking at my face so much. I'm getting older and my skin will not be as forgiving if I pop a zit and it leaves a scar after picking so much at the scab it left. Some good habits I want to introduce in my life are waking up early again, going to the gym every day, regulating my emotions through meditation, washing my face every day, keeping a weekly schedule, reading more books instead of fucking around on YT, exercising my creative muscle more, eating healthy, and cleaning my room regularly. All of this will be helpful on my journey to excellency.

11. What theme do you want the next year to take?

I will be doing a lot more self-exploration. But I will not be just sitting around waiting for an epiphany. The quest for excellecy requires me to take action. So my theme for 2024 will be turning into a fully realized woman. I've been a woman for a long time now, but during that time, I had an aversion to calling myself a woman or engaging in womanhood. I was carrying what most people would call internalized misogyny. I'm not talking about traditional women being class citizens to men and their only purpose is sex, making babies, and making sandwiches kind of misogyny. It's I don't understand women very well so I should just not try to engage in active feminity. That being having more female friends, wearing make-up, decorating, fashion- all these things I thought were choices made by women to impress other people. But I've discovered that engaging with yourself this way is all part of growing up, and self-acceptance. It's not that I hate women it's just that I've yet to realize who I am as a woman. My identity is very weak. It might be why people find me boring after a while. There's nothing about me to latch on to, nothing solid. When you are a child you can wear whatever you want, roll around in a messy bedroom, and be fluid with your identity. It's not an issue specific to women, but I am a woman and I want to emphasize that. I'd say I'm an artist before saying I'm a woman. I don't mean take a megaphone and shout to everyone about my pretty pink princess. I want to make more independent choices for myself. I want to fully engage with my interests and not just observe them on the sidelines. I want to decorate my room all coquette and princess-y. My art senpai is what inspired this need in me. She doesn't just express her excellency through her art but I consider her a fully realized woman, brimming with confidence and maturity. I want to be the kind of woman that knows what she wants. It's a big reason why I wish to be proper friends with her. This leads me to my next point; having more female friends. You might notice that my life is very male-centered. The most trusted people in my life are my boyfriend, my confidante (who is male), and my dad. Plus all my other friends are guys. Having a lot of men in my life is not inherently bad. I love the men in my life very much. But I always thought something was missing from my relationships. There was a lack of freedom in conversation that I could not achieve with my male peers. To do this I must get over the hurdle of anxiety in messing up or failing to make a true connection.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

End of part one (kinda) I think I'm going to save the rest of what I wanted to say until tomorrow. Until then Happy New Year. I will appreciate how much I've changed!

[zindagi-jhandwa-firbhi-ghamandwa]

My mother was feeling bad yesterday. She has anxiety. It's where I got mine from. I try my best to help her through it, but she always prefers to talk to my cousin, her elder brother's daughter.

My mother was 12 years old when her father died. Her elder brother, my uncle, was 16. As the eldest male in 1970s India, he was tasked with taking care of the family and he did an extremely impressive job. My mother also did really well considering her disadvantages. But it's because my uncle went from delivering milk riding a bicycle every morning to having enough money to buy multiple apartments that my mother sees him as some sort of God and his daughter as some sort of goddess.

Plus they both speak Telugu as a first language while I speak English as a first language — and despite my best efforts to improve my Telugu fluency, I obviously am not going to be as fluent as people who were born and raised in Hyderabad, speaking only Telugu.

So when my own mother is struggling with her mental health, I must watch her express her feelings to my cousin rather than me. I must watch my aunt and cousin comfort her while I go to work.

My father doesn't give a shit about me, I feel. He didn't see me till I was 6 months old. He never wanted to marry my mother, he was forced to enter into an arranged marriage by his parents — my grandparents. He liked my sister a bit because she's his first born and she's brave, fearless, aggressive and sporty, like him. His son on the other hand is an insecure, introverted nerd. My father almost embodies the jock stereotype. He was an excellent sportsman, loves to keep fit, and despises fat people. He literally let thin people destroy his life and career and bears no ill will against them and when overweight people helped him out, he still treats them like crap. I'm morbidly obese, bad at sports, introverted, I find it difficult to deal with people, I'm a nerd and not a believer in traditional masculinity. He kinda hates me for that.

My sister is probably the person I'm closest to, but she's married with kids and thus I would be, at best, #4 on her list of people. In reality, I'm probably more like #10. Also, she lives in the UK and I live in India.

My closest friends are both married and the amount of time they can share with me has plummeted as a consequence. One of them lives in San Francisco, so the time we spend together on the phone is really limited anyway, plus he's successful and surrounded by other successful people. I jokingly refer to myself as Sudama in his presence.

The other lives in India, in Nashik. He had the choice to live in New York, but he chose Nashik. Since his marriage, not only is he fully focused on his wife and indeed her family and friends, who give him royal treatment as the husband of the eldest daughter in the family.

And so I'm now slowly realising that while I do have a wide circle of family and friends, I'm not in anyone's inner circle and I don't have anyone in mine either.

I'm a secondary concern to everyone. An acquaintance to all and a friend to none.

It's a weird feeling to know that your own mother would rather talk to your cousin than you when she's in trouble. That your father would rather spend time with people your age from his work, all of whom basically take advantage of him to extract whatever little money he has left out of him, than be with you. That when you try to make conversation with him, you get grunts and single word replies.

It's all exacerbated by the knowledge that you didn't let people get close to you because you had bigger goals in life. You had dreams, hopes, aspirations that all shriveled up and died, leaving you with no friends, no family, no loved ones, no-one to whom you can be vulnerable and nothing to show for it except a smoking habit that will probably kill you in the next year.

Why do I endure? I should just fucking kill myself and get it done with. Except I'm too scared to do that too. And so the pain grows and continues until one day I'll suddenly feel a sharp stabbing pain the chest and collapse. And no-one will be able to take me to the hospital because I'm too fat to be lifted and taken anywhere.

[castle-dominion]

5x11 under the influence PLOT HEAVY more like plot Javi. But it is not really plot heavy more like backstory heavy. Like the ike thornton episode.

Wow they just went around her for josie lang making her sound old hoodie kid? labelmaker playlist

captions say Zito & he is leaning on the cement all comfy You should lose two turns ryan pretty, esposito also nice shirt Shut the up (also how young of a girl scout, kinda sus) 11-midnight? How did she work the party until 1? (btw that tarp is way to square to have unwrapped a body)

lol KILLER party

check by the pool XD

starting the morning with... booze? It can be good for a hangover but... Ah she left early that's how she died before she was scheduled Good response from Regina: Great. Now I feel bad for complaining.

Becks is pretty enough with that turtleneck Oof. I mean music saves ur life like that!

What is dripping from her hair? KFC has more MSG than most chinese places

KR: If Tyrese is such big time, why is the entrance to his studio in an alley? JE: Because. Celebrities don’t want paparazzi taking their picture all the time. (he looks over to see KR: run a hand through his hair and he stops short) Yo. Did you just do the hair thing? KR: What hair thing? JE: Every time you’re about to meet a celebrity or a pretty girl you run your hand through your hair. KR: (he ignores that) TMZ said that Tyrese was at that party with Josie Lang. He’s producing her new album. JE: Yeah well, she’s no Regina. KR: I understand the image of her as a girl scout is seared into your memory, but Josie is a real vocalist. JE: Whose fan base consists of 12 year old girls … and you.

KR: Hey, since Josie was at the party I should probably take her statement, right? You got this, right bro? Thanks. XD

Been shot like seven times!?!?

"kev" & also jenny uwu

that was JUST for this year's awards!? What has he done before that!?

Unless you my momma

Nice rings on this man tho fancy shirt poofy hair lol The bitch had an assistant bitch? Reichle probably had fun "different girl" like that one tiktok audio "leah, amy, you know why we call her brianna right?" XD good it helps my street cred My man brought a lighting guy for his mugshot?

Wow that is a lot of money!

Kinda rude but she paid u anyway & was "helping her cousin" so that's good Variety in the "this one that one" stuff

mayb ethey haven't FOUND anything missing yet people are GOOD at ignoring hired help PRINTS

Ooh hooeey becks is pretty af today!! didn't holly grow up in a bunch of different places? foster care?

RC: "Monster." Now that sounds like the kind of ganged up thug that would shoot you dead and leave you in a dumpster someplace. Probably half man, half mountain, full of prison tats. Or is he quietly dangerous? Like Javier Bardem in any movie where he’s got weird hair. JE, while walking beside him: *kind of smiling/frowning at the same time* *it's a kid*

Oof mama commit suicide? the drug od was bad enough. how does this poor boy already have priors a kim long? Careful becks he is still nicknamed monster As an FNMI person this episode just... oof

KB: Hi Joey, I’m Detective Kate Beckett. Joey Malone: A major hottie is what you are. you're 14 lmao JM is just not talking at all double negative Ah he was chill denying it before this but then when murder came up he was shocked. I believe he did not do it. *camera focusses on esposito*

& then another flash to esposito Nice how he plays viddy games sito's right, you have a pimp/agent/manager JE: The brains behind this operation, that’s who. A kid like Joey goes from smash and grab to stealing a half a mil in jewelry? I don’t think so. Someone put him up to this. KR: No, it makes sense. Some savvy criminals use minors to do their dirty work. RC: Of course. A Fagin to Joey’s Oliver Twist. KR: And if Holly’s involved, that makes her the Artful Dodger. Or the Artful DJ. RC: Ooh, nicely played. also ryan is pretty you GET this kid. Yeah man. I love getting a little backstory. I just wish one of these characters was native, & I mean technically esposito is native, but I mean like, I want an iroquois person maybe. or a cree person. Heck a Metis person would be mind blowing.

JM; Hey, where’s the super hot detective? JE; Oh, you’re lookin’ at him. XD

Yeah genuinely. That's what they are like. Frickin cops. (& esposito's face kind of falls, possibly bc he was planning on saying that, possibly bc he feels for the kid & joey has been thru this before & cops made empty promises too) I p much never make promises.

So you admit there is a "he" Yeah lol this kid

Beckett & esposito are the ones talking to her hhh Yeah family is usually the best place to go for foster care temporarily while the parents get their crap in order. Heck this is why icwa exists. Tho I heard the other day that they were overturning that or smth Real prize.

KB: What about his uncle? Where is he now? Ms. Cooper (social worker): We’re trying to track him down. He may be in AC. He’s a card player. JE: Guy sounds like a real prize. CSW: You want the best option for these kids, and sometimes all you have is the least bad option. Which brings me to the issue of what to do with Joey. Are you charging him with theft? KB: We were hoping not it. CSW: (nods) So. I’ll put him in temporary foster care. JE: Whoa, whoa, whoa. He’s not safe out there in the world right now. The guy that we’re after killed a woman. He could do the same thing to Joey. CSW: Then you can put him in protective custody in juvenile hall. JE: I - I can’t just throw him in juvie. I’m trying to gain his trust here. KB: Ms. Cooper, this boy is the key to us solving a murder. CSW: Well, I’m sorry, but those are the choices. JE: hesitates. He catches sight of JOEY outside the room. JE: What if I take him? KB: *turns to look at esposito, surprised. Who is this man?* JE: That way he’s not locked up and I can keep him safe. (to KB) And I can continue to work on him. KB: * turns back to cooper* It’s an idea. KB: What about that? CSW: (sighs, shakes her head) I – I suppose I could delay his paperwork. But this would be for one night. And it means that Joey Malone is your responsibility. JE: That’s cool. I got this. The kid doesn’t have a father. He probably just needs someone to connect with. lmao sure bud like that's going to work out. I mean you may be right but u've also had years to figure out what it means, this kid might not even know.

Ok I have three clips here, but I flilmed the second two at once

INT – ESPOSITO’S APARTMENT JE walks in and stops to pick up the mail. JM follows him. Also neither of them remove their shoes. ew. JM: I’d rather have a pajama party with the lady cop. ((XD)) JE: Yeah well, it looks like I drew the short straw. ((still a little bit of bad cop in there, love it.)) JE, lookin at this teen: Literally. ((XD)) JE: hits the lights JM: looks around JM: Man, no wonder you’re single! JE: JM: No woman would spend time here unless it was against her will. ((u’r 14. But I mean 14yos date, heck I had classmates who had sex)) JM: starts hitting a sparring bag which is just in the middle of espt’s apartment, like yeah no girls wouldn’t like that JE: Yeah? What about you, Martha Stewart? What’s you place supposed to be? Shabby chic? Emphasis on shabby? JM: It’s a dive. But it’s not my fault. My uncle would rather blow all of his money at the tables. JE: Must be why he’s too busy to call us back. JM: Don’t wait by the phone. He only cares about claiming me as a dependent. makes himself comfortable on espt’s couch, putting his feet up on the coffee table. JE: My parents split up when I was 5. ((lol ok trying to connect)) JE: pushes Joey’s legs Man, get your feet off my table! (they share a glare.) Dad moved to Florida with his new wife. Most I ever got after that was a phone call and a post card. JM: Post card? JE: (nods) Yeah. JM: How old are you, anyway? ((bruh.. I send postcards still,, like if I’m traveling)) JE: Ancient. he looks dead & deadpan JE: But I’m young enough to remember what it was like. (he is quiet for a second) JM: smiles & looks off to the side ((btw I’m glad that the 14yo has acne, that’s what being 14 is like)) JE: Must miss your folks. ((bro don’t try to dig too much)) JM: … JM: After my dad died, my mom kept going. You know, she tried to pretend that we were still a normal family. She did her best to take care of me until … she couldn’t do it anymore. JE: Now you take care of yourself. ((Good line. Also sounds like experience there)) JM: Yeah. (his attitude changes) Look, man. I know you didn’t have to do this. Take me in, I mean. So uh, thanks. JE, nodding: I’ll go grab you a blanket; pillow. JM: Hey, at least you didn’t skimp out on the audio visual budget. ((Heck yeah. We love video games in this house. Well & board games. & all play, adults need play too, dogs never really outgrow their need for play, why should humans?) JE: You know that’s right. Oh, and I’ve got Assassin’s Creed 3. ((& a bunch of other stuff I assume?)) So go ahead and knock yourself out. ((Nice art btw)) JE: Oh, and uh … put it on dual player mode so I can come back and school you. He’s in the closet pulling linens for Joey JM: $20 bucks says you won’t make it past level 1. ((OMG I NOTICED HIS VOICE CHANGED DURING THAT PHRASE– HE WAS LITERALLY IN THE PROCESS OF IT AS HE SAID THAT,, POSSIBLY TO IMPLY HE WAS STILL IN THE ROOM)) JE: (scoffs) You’re crazy. Leaves the light on JE: comes back into the living room with a smile but stops short. It’s empty. Joey’s gone, but the window is open. Esposito sighs heavily. He is so annoyed

Oh gosh darn! When I copypaste smth from my ctrl-h google doc (where I change the names from ESPOSITO with a bunch of blank lines between the phrases like the transcript to what u see on tumblr) to tumblr, the * maked it italicized! Crud!

INT – TWELFTH PRECINCT BULLPEN JE walks in with JM handcuffed to his wrist. KR: … gives the setup an odd look. JE: Sit down. Joey does, and Esposito transfers the cuff from his wrist to the desk. KR, spinning his chair to face them: O~kay. Care to explain? JE: What? The handcuffs? KR: No, no. The stylish shoes that you’re wearing. Yess, the handcuffs. JE: Well, junior here tried to pull a Houdini on me last night. JM: Who the hell is Houdini? ((espt was not born in the late 1800s idiot)) JE: (harshly) Shut up. KR: Out the window? JE: Yeah. *sits* KR: Down the fire escape?? JE: Yeah. And then on to a moving garbage truck. Then on a skateboard for five blocks that took him all the way to the L-train. ((Whose? Also where was this kid going?)) JM: *picks up a signed baseball from espt’s desk* ((Kid has some neat gloves)) KR: (smiles) How’d you keep up? JM: He didn’t. JE, turning to face him so he can talk to him: Shut up. (sees the baseball) What the – (he grabs the baseball) Give me that. (he puts the ball back) Commandeered this dude’s bicycle. ((YOU KEPT UP TO A MOVING GARBAGE TRUCK AND SKATEBOARD ON A BIKE?)) KR: *Nods & smiles so big & bright, checks his nails while listening to the story* JE: Then he lost me in the subway. (Joey laughs) But then I caught him. At the next stop. Kid’s wily. But I’m wilier. KR: * just is enjoying the story with a smile* Wow. Just like The French Connection. JE: ..?

Kid just sitting there biting his nails You will go canvass? With esposito? alone? with a uniformed officer?

KB: Unless he gave you a name. JE: Uh … no. Not exactly. wdym not exactly?? Whata does that Look Between Them mean?

JE: Looks like he got his first taste with a B and E when he was 11 years old. Oof KB: He graduated to burglary when he was 12 when he broke into a mom and pop corner store along with an unidentified adult male. Ooof (also how mom+pops are off limits)

Shane Winters HER FILE TOO? also beckett's pretty shiny shirt <3

JE: This dude’s dabbled in everything. Or maybe castle, she did not clean herself up & get herself out, he stopped using her when she turned 18

Ryan's back! (btw every member here is pretty rn. Castle only as pretty as normal tho. ryan also only as pretty as normal but dshkjdh. becks all shiny & espt nice shirt too.) & castle knows the car RC: Yeah, and a roomy trunk for all your body moving needs. Esposito *just walks away* (no explanation anything he just thought for a split sec & then Left)

Poor LT lol he's on babysitting duty ALSO EW SHOES ON THE COUCH *awkwardly tapping his thumbs. It must be a patience test for interrogations when you become detective, he tells himself* JE: Where’s Shane Winters? JM: Where’s my soda? LT is just happy to be out of here he doesn't care that he's on soda duty

Love how espt picks him up like that. Sometimes you need a rough hand. JM: I'm not a rat ... Valid? But bro? Ok what is in it for you? You get a cut of the earnings? you get his protection in terms of him bailing you out...?

JE: Meh, I just want to wring this little bastard’s neck right now. So valid bestie JE: Freakin’ kids, man. (to castle) I don’t know how you do it, bro. RC: Oohhh. No, no. I lucked out with Alexis. At a certain point you realize you’re just dealing with someone who hasn’t been around as long as we have. ((THAT IS SO TRUE)) They have to find their way. JE: The problem is, he’s already found his way. He just doesn’t see where it’s going to put him. ((or maybe he thinks he's Built Different))

Garcia, new name!

"roll" *plays with keys* On your own babe? nice toss. also do they each have their own car or,,?

Boobies. Beer. Western vibes. Cant in the camera. Interesting movement too. Wow big buff guy. *looks him down* ... A bag of ice? It depends on whether it is good for the plot or not if they can beat ppl up or if they get beat up. Everything ends with a kick to the balls. My man must be wearing steel toed boots or knee guards or smth. Or just good aim. man's not having kids any time soon that shaking breath ohhh & "excuse me" lmao

How does he know his name hangin out lol Yeah too loyal. But I respect Monster. Put them on yourself? Esposito is using power & dominance to control the situation. Love it Holy crap the way he PUSHES on the handcuffs is so good! I remember playing with plastic handcuffs like that as a kid

"soft spot for kids" did not come out right hun Weird lighting. This room needs to be brighter; one way glass needs one room to be brighter than the other golden and diamond encrusted NO-- NO NO NOOOOOO (but will fdny find an accelerant?) but whasnt' that car expensive or smth? A minute alone...? Esposito, Javi my man hold on what are you thinking? & ryan agrees to leave? CLOSING THE CURTAINS...

tablet? Joey genuinely looks sad JE: Now I’d beat your skinny little ass for being stupid if it’d change anything Oh computer r u lying? da wanting to try him as an adult? u haven't even charged him... SW: Look, man. The kid did the crime, he’s gotta do the time. SW a couple minutes ago: I have a soft spot for kids (which is why I bailed out the teenager) Did joey malone really think that shane would protect him? carried heat as in gun? Yeah no Monster of COURSE he'd kill her

Yeah he can buy an alibi at least u know it came from his TYPE of car WHERE is her gun? I still say bling...

Ryan's hair lol it REALLY looks like mine Poor chinese line cook lol just doin his job & these detectives are holding open his door & getting in his way near the dumpster Is that blood or is it just gross?

Ah! Temporarily missing! that's why it was on the phone! *cuts himself off* oh god... heeheeHEE this is GOOD

well he's obv /accessory/ to murder espt so angry I can't tell if I'm remembering the ending or if I'm figuring it out but could it be the other musician? the one josie called old?

I love this man with the hat he seems cool Regina: Have you ever tried changing into skin-tight leather pants? It’s time consuming. ((true)) *Judging by their expressions, both CASTLE and BECKETT are intimately acquainted with skin-tight leather pants.* I like how beckett is wearing less makeup this episode than she does in s6 in my family watch Did she have a license to carry?

I love the OTS view going into the bar *lets him in while covering himself* SW: You keep showing up here like this, the boys are going to think you’re sweet on me. XD JE: Not anymore they won’t. he says while smiling.. *gulp* *puts down the gun* I can't remember what I thought the first time watching this. Is he disarming himself so they can have an honourable fistfight? Does he want to prove he's armed? are they going to count down & reach for it? & then I see the second gun. I thought maybe duel then. Also nice gun, rly small. When he says the gun is "yours" I am more sure it is a duel. (btw I think that one on the close side is the personal gun, not the police gun, & the one on the far side is the one he pulled from his boot a couple episodes ago. Like. ten.) His face when he says this. He says it in past tense as if he is in an interview, as if he's quoting himself from the future. That fear on his face. "I HAD to defend myself!" as he shakes his head with wide eyes... So he threatens to kill the guy & cover it up bc he is a detective & he can legit say "I arrested his crime boy so he wanted to kill me" & have it be true except esposito that is your gun... Unless he specifically acquired an unlicensed gun so that he could pretend it was shane's unlicensed gun (but also esposito my man how will you KNOW he recruits another kid? I might like a sequel except I don't want esposito to kill someone even if I agree with his values) Again with esposito using dominance in this play. Slid the gun over to him. I mean, Winters can afford a bodyguard, he may be a crime pimp, but he directs kids & adolescents, not people he considers his equal. No wonder he is so easy to threaten like this.

HPD criminal history information MISDEMEANOR arrest/charge information arrest date: XXXXXX ((so august or is that a random number of Xs?)) XX, 20XX 07:27 PM ((so he must have been under 18 in the year 2000, 17 in y2k at the oldest)) - Name: ESPOSITO/JAVIER ((I can't see if there is a middle name)) - Date of Birth: XXXXX X, 19XX ((april or march 1-9)) - Sex: Male - Race: XXXXXX ((Latino)) - Age at the time of the crime/arrest: XX ((10-17 but often they try 17yos as adults)) - Address: 941 E. 11TH ST/NEW YORK, NY 1009 - Fax Number: 5521250 - Place of Arrest: HPDPD, 021 - ((cropped)) Crime: November 6, 1989 ((unless this is the date of the crime so he would be under 18 in '89 at the oldest, so born in what 1972 at the oldest? & 1990 at the youngest if his age was in the double digits by y2k))

the good old days XD XD

Cycle 1 Arrest date XXXX XX 20XX 07:27 PM ((this one has 4 Xs so june & july except I think this implies that the Xs are not relative to the letters in the blackout, at least that is implied since these are both at 7.27pm, they are both the arrest date)) Court Information Court: Criminal Court New York Case Number: 322((cut off)) Initial Report Of Docket Number: XXXX XX, 20XX

November 19, 1989 ((nearly two weeks after the other date)) ASSAULT PL 160.10 Sub 01 // Class C Juvenile // HCIC 1299 RESISTING ARREST PL 160.05 // Class D Juvenile // HCIC 1299 ((transf?))erred To Superior Court November 19, 1989 UNLAWFUL POSSESSION ((of what?)) PL 160.10 Sub 01 // Class C Juvenile // HCIC 1299 ASSAULT PL 160.05 // Class D Juvenile // HCIC 1299

I love how as Joey reads them out loud esposito cringes. We see him cringe just a bit (wrinkle his nose & squint) at resisting arrest but [cringe like: that inhaling hiss between your teeth out of the side of your mouth] at unlawful possession & he shakes his head

Joey straight up: You were a mess ((coming from u tho? ur priors are a mile long according to the show so u can't say much))

JE: Yeah. But it’s all I knew. My dad was gone, my mom was working two jobs. In my neighborhood, you had to do what you had to do to survive. Not everybody made it. ((Yeah man... this story hits & my life wasn't even that bad)) JM: Is this where you tell me to man up and get my act together like you did? ((no pls no)) JE: No. It doesn’t work like that. ((Yes!! Thank you! Yes!)) JE: You need help. ((cringe but true)) For me it was one of my teachers. ((stereotype. But also,,, so true. My baking teacher, the staff in my special needs class, the FNMI guidance counselor, my culinary teachers)) Saw a future in me that I didn’t even see in myself. But it was up to me to make a choice. To pick which road to go down. I talked to your school counselor – ((first of all ew school counselors I know I lucked out but I don't trust em, second consent much? talk to joey first, except he'd say no so idk bro)) JM: What? ((See?)) JE: She’s going to call me if you keep ditching. ((esposito dad moments, I wish we got to see him with Timmy or Tommy or whatever ike's kid's name was)) JM: C’mon, man. JE: And I’m going to call you once a week. Check in. ((Do you do that for Baby Thornton too? y'all should become friends lol, he's only a year or two younger than you. Baby thornton was what? 10? it has been 2 or 3 years since s2? joey is 14? Yeah 13 & 14 is the same age)) JM: *smiles, then nods* JM: All right. I’ll go. ((go where? to school?)) If you agree to get new furniture. ((making a deal, he really is an adolescent, not a child, & esposito treating him like an adolescent, someone worth talking to, is awesome & important, even if he also knows that adolescence is not complete adulthood & he called the counselor w/o talking to joey first)) JE: *scoffs* JM: You can’t get laid on the regular with that junk you have. ((this man made fun of ryan for alley shopping)) I’m just looking out for you. ((who is looking out for whom now?)) JM: *pats him hard on the shoulder* JE: *does the thing he always does when someone touches him: he looks at where they touched & then back up at them* JE, handing Joey his business card: Here. If you need anything, day or night, call me at that number. ((do you not have your phone on silent overnight...? Maybe "at THAT number" is his other cell phone, one that he doesn't turn off at night idk bro)) JM: Okay. (he unbuckles) You’re all right. For a cop. ((lmao what a mood) JE: I know. Now get out of my car. ((see? sometimes you need that roughness. Btw I think this was the first time I noticed the car in my family watch, but I had seen it before on my binge watch. I didn't know if it was esposito's personal car or what)) JM nods to JE, JE nods back, but also in a gesture like "get going now I already told u" & JM leaves. JE smiles & watches to make sure JM gets inside ok.

I like how they closed loose ends with the winters guy & joey.

Ok but I need an episode in the future that shows that these two have indeed kept in contact! Esposito has been half raising two kids now, Ike's kid & Joey, why can't we SEE THEM?

Also uh in my math earlier I said I'd watch 6 episodes per day, well the thing is I didn't watch 6 yesterday I only got five. The first one was the season premier & I watched it earlier.

[waitingformyfavoritesongs]

{updated 14 November 2022, 811 am pdt }

{mostly typed 11 November 2022}

my first and only? (2:19 I think he edited putting in the word “first” 😑😤 he keeps messing with me) incubus spiritual husband wants me to believe we have @ lease [least 855 am pdt 12 November 22] 3 children together, & the oldest might be around 21 years old now, & another close in age to the oldest, & the youngest born about 4 years old & another one on the way.

2:06 p.m. I am hesitant to believe him. Seeing is believing. It seems these incubus have a way of doing things with us without us finding out. I read on Wikipedia that when an incubus comes 2 u, he might paralyze u for a while. Back in 2015, I remember not being able 2 move, & felt like something could have been on top of me weighing me down, in a half sleep kind of state & having nightmares that made me want 2 scream but no sound would come out of my mouth when I tried. It felt awful. It happened multiple times. Once before opening my eyes I felt something go a little ways inside of me & out seconds later(& I remembered I cried a little when I felt it) & then he? quickly touched my lips (eyes still closed). Another day after I woke up & sat up? The hangers in my closet started moving & it scared me - I jumped up & ran out of the room yelling/screaming. When I went back I found nothing there, but in this same closet there was a cut out in the floor- an under the apartment crawl space for Comcast to go into. I had kept a small crate of credit card statements in the closet, & when I reviewed the files it seemed like some statements went missing.

2:17 p.m. I don’t know if there was a public way into that crawl space. I didn’t have the courage 2 crawl into it.

2:18 p.m.

pps today is Friday 11 November 2022 252 pm pdt

ppps 14 November 2022 Monday 732 am pdt: I think he/they have hurt me too much to be able to produce a healthy zygote? Egg 🥚 anymore. In 2020 the hospital told me I wasn’t healthy enough to get pregnant 🤰. They 🪚 sawed away at my bones 🦴 a lot & did a big number on me. So that baby 👶 probably isn’t mine. Disappointed 😞. 735 am pdt. He lied 🤥 to me again. I felt like I have been celibate the whole time. & I still had difficulty this year. Probably Every thing is a lie. He doesn’t love ❤️ me. Probably never has & never will. I guess he loves Maryka? 🧐😵I have no proof of love ❤️. A lot of times men will marry only to fulfill a family obligation & wives are only baby makers. Too good to b true. Life triple, quadruple, quintuple, septuple, octople, 1 trillion times sucks now. Please go away Adam Levine & never come back. Please maroon us already. Tired of your building up ⬆️ & let downs. Go back to your home planet 🌎 wherever you came from. 5= go in nihongo. 5 5 5!!! Ni = 2 & to ? Hon = book 📖 bi = 2... 747 am pdt hungry he keeps making my tummy ache when I think of eating 🍽😞😖😤😵🤢😵748 am pdt 14 November 2022 Monday. He said he was obsessed with her. Obsession is part of Twitterpated definition. He said he would do anything for her. While I’m treated like trash. Steak 🥩 for her butt. I guess she is his choice for fun. His personality type, personality compatibility, but I guess not his top pick for offspring unless that’s a lie, about being done with being a father - wanting out. Although I really think she looks older than 20. I know someone who is 20(my cousin), & she has a more rounder teenage face than Maryka. 757 am pdt. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️. Did she do stuff to her face??? Plastic surgery? Too much? Yeah, well you made me very mad especially these last 5 years, incubus spiritual husband of mine 😡🥵🤬😤 I cried a lot 😭 rivers. 806 am pdt. My feelings never matter, I grew up feeling like that- I guess that was bcz of the incubus, bcz my feelings don’t matter to him = Adam Noah Levine. 808 am pdt 😖😖😖😫😭

[katsukikitten]

Part one. Master list for plus one can be found here.

Just a nice fic I decided to write for fun. Please enjoy!

Asshole!

He was nothing but a huge, giant fucking ASSHOLE for the entire two years the two of you were dating and he decides NOW is a good time to break up with you?

Two days before your cousin's wedding and over TEXT MESSAGE?!

That fucking asshole.

He knew how you felt. Exactly how you felt about going alone to your cousin's wedding after your family begged to meet your boyfriend and teased you for "probably making him up." Which hell, he may as well have been made up considering how absent he was in the relationship. Using work as an excuse to come home late but forgetting to turn off his snap location when he showed up at the bar.

So you did what any rational woman in her upper twenties would do.

You drowned your sorrows in booze, tonight red wine as it was the only thing around, and you scrolled through your socials in hopes of distracting yourself from your suffering.

Alas the devil that is Instagram only amplified your sadness and irritation. Showing couple after couple, your friends on hikes kissing on the mountain top, kissing in the flickering light of candles at a fancy dinner or, worst yet, getting proposed to. The video showing her in hysterics screaming, "YES I DO I DO!"

And it feels terrible to feel this way. Especially about your friends, the people you love and want to support, still it stings. You hadn't told anyone about the breakup, you weren't even sure your friends even remembered that asshole's name.

A teardrop lands on your screen, magnifying all the magical lights of the led beneath the glad. You wipe away the tear and with that the feed refreshes. A new post has come in at the top, Res Riot's official account.

Kirishima stands with a fat white cat in his arms. He dwarfs the animal with his large stature that looks larger as he still has his Red Riot gear on. The caption reads something along the lines of "missed my precious baby."

Red wine is a dangerous thing as your body acts on its own. You go to his page to hit the little arrow to DM him. Typing out and backspacing your message as you struggle from the booze, you decide to say fuck it and use the voice memo feature. Before you know it your sniffling voice is playing back to you after you've hit send.

"My ex broke up with me before this stupid wedding. It's in two days and my family is going to roast me big time when I show up alone. They think I made that asshole up. I don't know why I'm even in your dms. Your account is probably run by some dick head who can't even capture your kindness. I guess I'm here cause my first thought seeing you on my timeline was Red Riot has always been my hero…"

Ugh totally fucking cringe.

There is no surprise as you see the three normally ominous dots pop up, probably his social media manager about to ask you to stop your "advances" as Kirishima is too busy to date and he'd hate to block you or some other bullshit.

But there it is a surprise to see a little bubble with the play button and some vertical lines in various heights. It takes your sluggish brain a moment to realize you've been sent a voice memo. Odd. Your thumb smashes the screen faster than you can think and a deep voice rumbles through the speakers of your phone.

"Actually I run my official and personal socials. And I'm sorry to hear about your ex doll. He sounds like a real ass. I'll be your hero, I'll go with you to the wedding."

Your heart stutters, no way, no way in HELL this was Red Riot. You had read about the horror stories before or pervy account managers taking advantage of women who so desperately wanted to talk to their hero.

Hell, it's happened to Dynamight plenty of times.

You swallow quickly but the bile rushes up your throat. Not just from the anxiety of a possible con but from drinking an entire bottle of wine with nothing on your stomach after months of sobriety. Quickly you stumble to the bathroom, abandoning your phone on your bed. You barely make it in time to praise the porcelain Gods before you fall onto your back. Looking up at the light in your cramped bathroom, the orb doubles and spins as you feel the Earth turning on its axis. You curl into your side using your bathmat as a pillow as you drift off into sleep, totally forgetting about the voice memo on your phone.

As you sleep peacefully on your memory foam bath rug, Kirishima settles into his nightly routine. One giant hand grabbing strands of long dark red hair into a towel while another sits snugly around his Adonis belt and the thick, black happy trail that follows up the center of his abs before spreading out onto his chest. He tosses the towel over the open door of the bathroom before sitting in his favorite armchair with phone in hand. Diamond, his beautiful white cat he rescued a few years ago, jumps onto the arm of the chair, purring loudly when Kirishima's free hand scratches her ears absentmindedly.

He chuckles to himself as he realizes exactly what he's done. Acting on a feeling instead of logic all because he heard a "damsel in distress." Starting off his rare vacation with spontaneity starting with an impromptu date with a stranger. He really isn't sure what you look like and it's obvious your handle doesn't have your real name in it, just PrincessPeach with some random numbers at the end. He takes the time to scroll through your profile. Seeing pictures of food, of many sunsets, a friend's dog that guest appears often, your own cat and plenty of strays.

It takes him a while before he sees a photo of you. His heart stutters in his chest as he looks you over. Laughing with a friend, soft lighting from strings over head that blur like little fireflies. Your smile is wide, half hidden by your hands as your eyes seem to smile with you. Sparkling as if they held stars.

For a moment Kirishima forgets how to breathe, it isn't until Diamond jumps down from the armchair does he inhale. He smiles softly to himself before he drops his towel, puts his phone on charge and promptly falls asleep in his bed.

Kirishima rises before the sun even has a chance to filter through his blinds. He sighs softly, getting up to a sitting position disturbing a fluffy white ball that lays beside him.

"Mmrow." Moon stone eyes blink slowly as they look at the mountainous man hogging the bed.

"I didn't mean to wake you sweet baby." He says softly, going to pet the soft white fur only for her to get up stretch and give him her butt before plopping back down.

"I know, mean ol' daddy woke you up too early again." He says softly, his hand falling onto her back before he rises from the bed. Fishing for his running shorts, socks, headphones and shoes. He makes his protein shake, leaning on the counter as he drinks it, looking at how you read, or better yet, listened to his message but still no reply. It was late and there was a small slurring of your words, he figures you've passed out. He just hopes you're okay.

His run goes as usual, up before anyone else unless they were the normal avid runner. Passing by the usual array of people. An old man holding onto his youth by jogging through his daily five mile morning run, Kirishima knows he runs another five in the evening while the sun is setting. He hopes he can embody some of this man's commitment when he is older. Then he passes a middle aged woman, who gives him the biggest smile as she pases, jogging backward to send him a wink before plowing ahead. Occasionally he'll see a running group or a few teens training to be heroes, they always ask if they can run his route. "It's long." He always warns in a kind, warm voice. They assure him they will be fine so far only one other person could handle his 12 mile morning run. A young woman in her second year of hero courses at UA. Since then Kirishima put in a word with his boss and so every time internships roll around she's in the office.

By the time Kirishima is rounding back towards his high rise apartment, the city begins to stir. Slowly waking as men and women in business suits rush towards the train, parents flinging open the doors or curtains fussing at their children who cling to an extra few minutes of sleep before school.

This was always his favorite part of the run, not because it was almost over, oh no it was because he had a chance to glimpse at everyday life. Of nine to fives, of school hours and after school hangs outs at snack bars or the library.

What most would call the mundane but Kirishima would never call it that. It's why he worked so hard to protect it.

Diamond greets his sweaty form at the door. Glaring angrily with her moon stone eyes. Tail swishing before she goes to the kitchen by her bowl. Waiting impatiently.

"I'm not late, sweet cheeks." He coos, and she glares, "I know I know. You're hungry now."

He opens the fridge, gets out the highest quality food there is and places it on her dish, sure to keep it all in the middle or she'll claim her bowl was empty. He added a splash of water too since the weather was starting to get hot.

He sucks down a water or two, demolishes a protein bar and then heads to the apartment gym.

A few hours roll by and without hearing from you yet his worry over your well being begins to cloud the forefront of his mind. He pauses his music, picks up his phone and talks out a voice memo.

A loud DING echoes from your room and around your skull as you rise with a throbbing headache.

"Fuck." You hiss to yourself grabbing at your head as you shakily rise to your feet. Yanking the handle of the faucet to drink from the stream before looking at yourself in the mirror.

"Ugh." You grunt ignoring your swollen face and eyes, yanking the mirror door open to snatch at the bottle of aspirin. Swallowing THREE extra strength pills before slamming the door shut and turning off the faucet. You make your way towards your bedroom, more than ready to sleep the rest of your day away. Grabbing at your phone to charge it you see the push notification of an Instagram message from Red Riot.

The fucking Red Riot.

Internally you scream before it bubbles up your throat and escapes. You fumble to unlock your phone before looking that it's a voice memo.

Mortified you realize you sent one too. And first at that.

"Fuck MEEE!" You plop onto the bed. Nervous this second voice memo is probably about how you're a weirdo or something as you relive the memory of asking him to be your plus one.

Hesitantly your thumb hovers over the play button before you find the strength to press the cool glass. A soft thunderous voice plays out.

"Good morning sleepy head. I haven't heard from you yet, I hope you're okay. Be sure to drink some water and eat something greasy. Trust me, late nights with Denki and Bakugou taught me something. Since the wedding is tomorrow I'll need a picture of your dress for the color and style so I can match you Sweet pea. Contact me soon so I can know where to pick you up."

Did he… did he just call you SWEET PEA? Your heart pounds in your chest before it registers he's asked for your dress color and lowkey asked for your address. This couldn't be real. It sounded like Kirishima, his voice familiar from interviews you've watched but it very well could be a prank. Defeated you hit the small microphone and reply.

Kirishima hears a sharp DING in his headphones over his music as he finishes his set. He wipes the sweat from his face on his shirt giving the few people in the gym a lovely view of his sweaty and thick torso. One woman trips on the treadmill but it goes unnoticed by Kirishima. He pauses his music and hits play on the little memo. Your beautiful yet groggy voice comes in through his ear buds causing Kirishima to bite his lip. It causes such a flutter of butterflies in his stomach he has to listen a second time to actually hear what you said. Although he understand, he cannot help but feel hurt by your reply.

"How do I know you're not just some pervy guy using Kirishima's Godly looks to prey on unsuspecting people."

Your phone chirps at you from the bed stand and you growl reaching for it. You had hoped your message would have been clear. An unspoken of you know they're a fucking creep taking advantage of their PR job.

"What can I do to prove it to you, Sweet Pea?"

You hate how that cute nickname sends your heart into a somersault and your stomach in delightful knots. Still your doubt pulls a harsh tut from your lips before you reply.

Kirishima doesn't need his phone to alert him that you've messaged him, he's been looking at his screen for far to long without having to restart his set. He listens to your voice as if it were music.

"Fine, you wanna prove it to me so bad. Take a picture of yourself shirtless with the word 'Sweet pea' you love so much and send it to me. No photoshop I know what my favorite hero looks like!"

For over an hour you don't hear back and you figure you showed that perv.

But now you can't sleep so you nurse a water, door dash a "greasy" breakfast all before cranking your shower as high as it can go. Your phone dings and you try to ignore it. You really do but as the saying goes curiosity killed the cat. Opening the message you see a classic guy mirror selfie. Kirishima is clear as day in the photo, his large hand pointing to his bare, hairy chest where sweat pea is scrawled in his adorable handwriting. He winks at the camera as his kissable lips wear a dangerous, almost cocky eyes travel down his bulk following his happy trail that dives under a pair of black shorts, the best part of the view getting cut off by the vanity. At first you try to rationalize that this was fake but damning evidence was sitting on the vanity. A fluffy white cat in a diamond and ruby encrusted collar sits on the counter giving her owner an odd look.

His cat Diamond that everyone knows he loves and adores. Slick begins to collect between your thighs and especially so after you listen to the voice memo that comes through shortly after. His normally friendly and soft voice comes out a bit dark, husky as he says in a playfully annoyed tone.

"Now send me a picture of that dress, Sweet Pea."