#my baseline existence is like
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Incredibly rude that I have to teach myself how to have positive feelings. Those neural pathways are extremely rough terrain, compared to the well-worn paths of negativity and self-loathing.
What do you mean I have to do a productive thing and coach myself on how to feel accomplished from it?
What do you mean I have to do a fun activity and forcefully allow myself to enjoy it?
What do you mean I have to do relaxing things and coax myself to actually relax?
What do you mean all this comes naturally to some people as simple cause and effect and I'm out here fighting tooth and nail to feel good???
#ok to rb#personal#my baseline existence is like#*does a Good Fun Thing* ''ah. i should be shot actually''
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genuinely what's the point if you're sick two weeks of every month and in baseline pain anyways the other two and can't have two normal days in a row or you must sleep for sixteen hours the following two days
#and then you're expected to have a full time job and function like I am not even movable half the time#if i could inflict my baseline pain on people who push me to do more I would i fuckin would#you live a month in my pain and fatigue and come back to me about it#GAH#every month I'm like oh it's not that bad. no. no it really is. symptoms disorder as symptoms and disability disables you. fuck#time to vegetate bc if I move too fast eat too fast drink too fast exist too fast I'll just die brother#he will by no means speak#big sick
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An x files Star Trek au wojld be- [thinks about vulcan!scully and gets so hard I almost pass out] uh. cool.
#the x files#trying to think of what mulder could be other than baseline human#I don’t think anything really fits him but I think it would be funny if he was also vulcan but like the kind that rejects the whole logic#only thing which makes him an outcast. and then the csm would be a romulan pretending to be a vulcan#though what would his white whale be if he already exists in a society with aliens#scully when I was 12 my sister… was time traveled. but mulder the vulcan science counsel has determined that time travel doesn’t exist!
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the shameful cycle of re-realizing you're behind.
your friends outgrowing you socially (and in language, and in their expectations for life). learning how the world works a little more and finding out that you've been doing everything slightly wrong without knowing. knowing that you're not doing something right but being unable to change it or know what it is that you're doing wrong.
#like yes. 'normal' doesn't really exist and everyone feels weird or awkward sometimes#but you cannot deny that some people are so awkward that they get excluded. unspoken exclusion#we can't match the frequency of the group or whatever#even if we want to and are trying very hard to do all the right social things bc they want to be IN the group (my sister)#until we realize all the effort doesn't do anything except make us anxious and dejected. it's not worth it. (me)#or we decide we don't actually want people. people are stupid and who needs them anyway? (other sibling)#And it's deeply embarrassing. it's embarrassing when my 110% is their 20%. when my built-up mask/persona is someone else's baseline#vent
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Does anyone else ever get thoughts that you believe for just a second before shaking out of it and realizing how deeply concerning it is, even to you, the one with the mental illness
#shut up me#Not right now but its such a funny phenomenon to me#having an anxious thought spiral and one comes up and youre like WHOA BUDDY. LETS REIGN IT IN. THAT ONES A LITTLE TOO MENTALLY ILL#THIS CANNOT BECOME THE BASELINE#was slightly in the way of someone in my lab and I apologized to them and quickly sidestepped#but internally I felt this huge bubble of shame (oh my old friend) and the thought like#''i should not exist for daring to take up this space that they needed'' and immediately i was like WHOA BUDDY#COOL IT A LITTLE. WHAT? WHAT ???#IM the one with the anxiety disorder and im surprised that came out of my brain. what an overreaction#I need more therapy LMAO
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HEY TURNS OUT THIS IS CALLED ACTIVE LISTENING AND YOURE SUPPOSED TO SAY THINGS LIKE “that sounds interesting” AND “tell me more / I’d like to hear more about that” (<- depends on whether you’re in person or not because “tell me more” kinda sounds like a demand over text) AND “I see” AND “wow that’s so cool” AND NOBODY EVER TOLD ME WHAT THE THINGS YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SAY ARE. THEY JUST SAID YOU NEED TO DO ACTIVE LISTENING. BY AGREEING WITH STUFF TO SHOW THAT YOU’RE LISTENING.
#can’t believe the one time anyone ever explained what active listening actually is#is this one stupid online course with a guy who said double blind studies just means there’s a placebo#that’s not what that means. if there’s a placebo it’s a type of CONTROLLED study#double blind means the subjects don’t know what group they’re in and neither do the people who administer the treatment for each group#but a controlled study doesn’t necessarily mean placebo. it means there’s a control group to be a baseline to compare the treatment group t#and that control group could be getting a placebo or getting the typical treatment that one would normally use (like tylenol for a headache#because the point is to see if the thing you’re testing is a better alternative to what already exists#and yes. a lot of the time double blind studies do have a placebo. or they could have the control group receiving the normal treatment#and yes double blinding will usually strengthen the placebo effect because no one except the researchers knows it’s a placebo#but placebo does not automatically mean double blind. those are two different aspects of an experiment.#i need to take the statistics exam eventually. because they wouldn’t let me take it on the year i took the course#this is how i’m reviewing i suppose. tumblr rants infodumping about misinterpreting terms related to experiments#this was not what i meant to put in the tags but anyway#my posts#autistic#<- was that the right tag#actually autistic
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The more I heal, the more it feels like my brain was founded on moral OCD
#detangling trauma thoughts from OCD thoughts is tricky#the fact its rooted in trauma doesnt negate the way my OCD feeds on it#so its not usually necessary to differentiate between the two#i guess technically i was built on trauma. but the major psychological manifestation is OCD#and i guess DID technically#its the one i forget about the most#because its just like. a baseline thing. like my existence just happens that way#and its always been and it doesn't always cause problems at this point so i kinda forget its actually mental illness
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There is a brand of post where people talk about different I guess unexpected ways "taking things too literally" can manifest irt like, autistic tendencies to do such. And it's all very fair and interesting but to be quite honest I can't relate I just take a lot of shit literally.
#if i have a good baseline for someone I can sometimes tell. or if they have a running gag or such#or if it's so extreme i can't imagine such a person exists (my standard style of sarcasm)#<-this backfires on me sometimes because i will respond like something is a joke and then it turns out to be serious
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The OCD urge to convince everyone that you're not a good person really.
#it feels unreal to me that it's not obvious to people what a five alarm trashfire the inside of my head is#it's a fucking warzone in here. people are dying. blood everywhere. things on fire#this ends up presenting itself in seething passive aggression‚ virulent rants at the drop of a hat and randomly exploding at people#but most of it happens at home or with disparate people and places#so a casual observer who isn't targeted and doesn't disagree merely thinks Im being snippy#instead of acting like bear caught in a trap#people see your highlight reel not the behind the scenes footage#so when they still like you despite how toxic you know yourself to be#it feels like you're being disingenuous somehow#the baseline ocd existence is believing you're the reason for humanity's downfall and a plague on the earth#and desperately hoping that nobody finds out but also that people do find out so that you can stop being terrified of being discovered#actually ocd#ocd#scrupulosity#knee of huss#mental illness#mental health
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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irritated that i made revallen's worldstate a mahariel self-sacrifice one cuz that means i can't have laure waltz into skyhold and pass on the ancient elvhen secrets she picked up in the Brecilian forest by shoving her tongue down revallen's throat right in front of cullen
#she exists to cause massive psychic damage and imagining the look on cullen's face at His Old Flame He Never Got Over just#walking in and tongue fucking the inquisitor#in finest antivan fashion#complete with magic bullshitTM#made me laugh so hard i almost wrecked my car#laure amell#revallen lavellan#editing tags to add. she didn't HAVE to do that. she could have done any type of mana exchange#she CHOSE to walk into the inquisition's castle and grab the inquisitor by the neck and french him within an inch of his life#IN FRONT OF HIS ADVISORS#just for the bit#i absolutely know 2 things: 1; the iron bull LOVES this crazy warden bitch.#and 2: the rumors flying around skyhold after that are IN. SANE.#'the hero of ferelden and the inquisitor are fucking' is like. baseline. and it gets wilder from there#'the inquisitor is a figurehead to keep the chantry distracted while commander amell takes over the world behind the scenes'#'the inquisitor is the hero of ferelden's antivan husband in disguise'#'the inquisitor is sleeping with all of the inner circle'#'the iron bull is in the inquisition because of amell's ties to the arishok' (tangentially true if you squint)#'the inquisitor and amell are both sleeping with the arishok and are qunari spies' <- that ones just entertaining tbh
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having a bad time
#can’t stop thinking about how bad i feel#both emotionally and physically#and then when i try to stop thinking about it and just feel it#it becomes completely unbearable#keep thinking about how i’ve ended up so alone/lonely again#and how much i cannot comprehend or accept or tolerate that#and then i’m just like well all this pain is too much for me to bear#so i wish i just didn’t exist instead#i will probably never get out of feeling this way#and like i knowwww i will eventually and feelings pass and pain passes or at least changes#but i will end up back in the same feeling or at least a similar one#that is inevitable#and i feel like i’ve not only reached my limit with myself#but like the world has reached its limit with me#i feel like there is nothing left for me unless i create it myself#maybe that’s just reality#but i feel like no one else cares about what i create#and maybe i’m wrong but i’m too scared to share it or even TRY to do it#because i can’t handle more of the same#humans NEED each other right?#but i have just been left behind too many times#and i can’t go through this again and again#i’m too tired#sometimes i really wish my health scare last summer just killed me for good#sorry for all of this lol#i hate being so traumatized that i can’t fucking function at a baseline#i hate being so sick nothing i do mattwrs#even resting is impossible#i rest in hope that i might not get worse and that’s the only illusion of control i have#the idea of getting better feels like a pipe dream at this point
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Well it's growth that I'm no longer thinking I need to die in response to feeling down on myself!
#cant beleive how i used to exist like girl a whole year and a half of that incessantly#warped my sense of pride cause now my baseline is like well im just happy i didnt go through eith anything so sucking at work kinda doesnt#matter
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after SO many years of making myself the butt of the joke for not knowing anything, it’s overwhelmingly joyful to finally, truly open myself up to learning
#it’s just !!!!!!!!#i’m VERY excited for this year!!#i’m excited for all of it and i’m excited for what lies beyond#because like. Yeah - it’s gonna be awesome in its own right - it already has been#but also - once the baseline of knowledge is there - the options will be limitless#because next year is a WHOLE nother year! i can do this AGAIN but with even MORE stuff!!!!!#all informed by what i’ve already experienced!#how fucking cool is that!!#i’m just tired of existing in self-imposed limitations for no reason whatsoever#if i don’t know about a topic that i’m interested in - WHY????#it literally could not be easier to find information#it is within my power to read and watch and see and eat nearly ANYTHING i want#and i’m gonna do it!#nobody can stop me#no more hesitation - no more fear - no more shame#just me#and my quest to learn how to live as well as i can#fuck man… life is GOOD!
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i joked about simon plural but i feel like if i think about it for more than like five minutes we may very well split one
#some splits are bc some fuckshit happened. and sometimes you just get too emo about a guy#i feel like im always at a baseline of stressed. but that's besides the point#but like listen. listen. is he not the epitome of 'old host back and doesn't know what to do'#stuck in the past and raw and reactive#would it not also be the answer to the complaint that ice king should too get to exist?#there literally was time where they both existed at once in his mind#AT would never go that direction but i am very powerful. in my mind#they put themes in the cartoons and im interpreting them.#simon is exactly the kind of guy we would split lol#our brain's horrid obsession with mentally ill men#considering the massive urge i just got to look for music i think this might be a case of 'i already have one' aha. ahahha. uh#phlyaros' nonsense
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Deeply genuine question, does anyone else feel Insane Crazy Hyper Feminine in presentation specifically on the week that is or would be your typical period week?
#I’ve been on t for a while now and it’s still a pattern I notice#I don’t often genuinely seriously want feedback on my personal posts (although it’s always welcome) but this seriously baffles me#I’m pretty gender queer in my gender in general but the older I get and the more I learn about myself the more I recognize that it’s really#only like a week out of every month or so (give or take a few fruity days here and there) where I really feel super feminine#and I am pretty damn sure it’s synced to my period cycle??? incredibly dysphoria inducing yes but I’m not 100% mad at it?#I have fun with hyper femininity but my baseline is something that can definitely be considered more masculine on average#also related‚ I’ve recently embraced gender fluidity as a part of my over all anti-binary existence#I feel really notable switches that come seemingly randomly outside of the few I feel specifically where I believe my cycle would be#and even when I miss a t dose and I do end up relapsing into having a period it seems to line up#and I don’t think it’s ??? like??? a bio-essentialist thing at all? my body and brain just does this??? and I really really wanna know#if any other gender queer folks have this experience#I don’t trust a google search to give me anything other than gender essentialist bullshit though#would love to hear anyone’s thoughts on this! b#accidental b*#blithering on#gender#gender queer#genderqueer#nonbinary#transmasc#transmasculine#ftm
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