#my confidence and self esteem has hit a new low :)

[satohqbanana]

There is a clear difference between knowing one thing and being made to feel that it's a fact. And right now, I'm doubting if the people who claim to like or love me actually feel that way, or are just pretending to do so.

[kingofbodyrolls]

My Heart's Home (m) | pjm | thirteen

🐴Chapter summary: Jimin thinks back on all this bad decisions, and how much he has truly hurt you. He loves you, and he wants you back, but unable to articulate his feelings properly, he finds himself writing a letter to you. 🐴Chapter title: Love Letter

🐴Pairings: jimin x reader (main), jungkook x reader (only happens once in the first chapter), jungkook x OC (jessi), namjoon x OC (jessi), yoongi x hoseok, namjoon x oc, seokjin x oc, taehyung x oc

🐴Characters: female reader (isn’t mentioned by name and no “y/n”), Jimin, Jungkook, Namjoon, Yoongi, Hoseok, Seokjin, Taehyung and four female original characters.

🐴Genre/AU: ranch!au, slice of life!au, soulmate!au, cowboy!au + smut, humor, fluff, romance, slow burn and angst

🐴Rating: mature/explicit/R18 – this is mature/explicit content, so minors, please do not interact!

🐴Disclaimer: I do not own BTS or know them personally and this work of fiction is purely fictional and for entertainment purposes only. The actions and personalities described in the story do not reflect those of BTS— it’s just fiction. Also, if you would kindly read the tags/warnings before reading, that would be lovely: and if you don’t like whatever is described in the tags, just hit return and find something else to read. Thank you 🌸

🐴Chapter warnings: low self-esteem, low confidence, hurt, sadness, overthinking, destructive thoughts, Jimin’s POV, angst, mention of sex.

🐴Status: completed 🥳

🐴Word count: 13.4k

🐴Taglist: @kookswifesblog, @kiki-zb, @babejinnie, @ownthesunshine, @allie-is-a-panda, @glllhjh, @bergandysam, @13-manggaetteok, @jeonsbabygirlsworld, @antisocial-mochi267,

*tumblr isn’t letting me tag you! There could be a lot of reasons for that, check out this lovely post about it.

🐴Now playing 💿 “Love Someone” by Lukas Graham. [Wanna listen to the serie’s playlist?]

🐴Author’s note: this is entirely from Jimin’s POV. Both OC and Jimin have been through a lot, and they have both hurt each other in different ways (but mostly it’s been Jimin hurting her 😭). In this chapter, we will get better insight into Jimin’s thoughts and his feelings all the way from the beginning! I really hope you like it— please let me know. I know Jimin has been behaving horribly, and I’m not excusing his behavior with the chapter, I’m simply saying that he is a flawed human like the rest of us, and no, we might not all agree or even understand his behavior, but.. 🥹 And if you don’t like these kind of chapters/stories were the story is essentially being retold from another character’s point of view, it’s fine, you are welcome to skip it, but if you want to know why Jimin has been acting like a douche, this one’s for you. Also, there are a bit of new stuff in here too, but it’s mostly just Jimin thinking about his bad behavior, lol, so it’s quite sad too 😭

🐴Author’s note— extra: I’m almost finished with writing the series and I got this cute idea to do a Q&A with the characters (questions for me is also okay). So, you can already send in your asks (could also be a comment/reblog, though I think asks are easier for me to keep track of). I’ll turn on anon asks, so if you prefer that, there’s that option. But please, be nice, okay? (not that I don’t expect that of you, I’ve just gotten nasty asks before). You can ask anything, to the characters, like why the behaved/thought/said something or what they didn’t say or do 🤭 You can also ask me about the story, the process or anything like that. As I said, the asks for the characters will be included in the Epilogue (I’ll also reply to the asks, I won’t reply right away, but keep them until the Epilogue will be released!)

You can send in your questions for the characters or me here → Ask away 💜*

*for people on AO3 you can also participate if you want to, just leave a comment (guest/anon or not), and I’ll reply to that and I’ll add your question in the Epilogue 💜

It’s been cross posted to AO3 if you prefer to read there.Wanna see the book cover?

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“We have enough to guide usWe have enough to lastWe’re not aloneWe never wereYou and I aren’t lostOh hold me very tightlyHold me fast and strongI am your loveWon’t stray from youYou and I belong” ‘My Heart is Like a River’ by Rebecca Lavelle

Fuck.

This was the last thing he expected. 

He never envisioned this moment, the one where you’d walk away, leaving him shattered and angry. He didn’t want this. Not in the slightest. Yet here he is, consumed by a turbulent mix of sorrow and self-directed fury, haunted by a year’s worth of regrettable decisions. He’s unable to find sleep, which is why he sinks into the couch at night, his knuckles white with tension as he grips a pen, its tip poised over the stark emptiness of the paper laid out before him.

He grasps the reasons behind your decision to end things, but the ache it leaves behind is unbearable. It’s a raw, searing pain that gnaws at him relentlessly. Understanding that he’s the architect of his own misery only compounds the agony. How does he begin to convey the depth of his remorse, the magnitude of his love for you? Every mistake he’s made weighs heavily on his conscience, a burden he’s not sure he can ever fully unburden. The prospect of reaching out to you now feels daunting, uncertain. He can still vividly recall the anguish etched across your face as you uttered those words, and the thought of adding to your pain is unbearable. For too long, he’s been a source of hurt, and the realization cuts him to the core. 

He despises himself for causing you so much pain.

Lost in the labyrinth of his thoughts, he grapples with the enormity of his love for you and the depth of his remorse. Words, he knows, can only scratch the surface of what he truly feels. How does one encapsulate a torrent of emotions in mere letters? Yet, he resolves to try, to lay bare his heart in this letter, hoping that somewhere amidst the ink-stained pages, you’ll find a glimmer of understanding, a shard of forgiveness.

As he traverses the hallway, the resonating clinks of heels guide his steps, drawing him towards the kitchen like a siren’s call. Entering, he beholds a vision: a woman, clad in a summer dress that dances with every step, her attire an incongruous yet captivating sight against the rustic backdrop. A wry smile tugs at his lips as he observes her, her presence a curious enigma, tinged with a hint of déjà vu. Could it be? Has he crossed paths with her before, or is she merely a figment of his imagination, conjured from distant memories?

“Can I help you?” He ventures, his tone a blend of curiosity and a subtle undercurrent of intrigue. His gaze lingers on you, tracing the contours of your form, an unspoken question hanging in the air between you. Yet, met with silence, he repeats his inquiry, his voice carrying a note of gentle persistence.

“I’m so sorry,” you stammer, the nervous energy palpable in your voice as you fidget with the folds of your dress, “I’m looking for Jessi?”

He chuckles warmly, a playful glint in his eyes as he flashes you a disarming smile. “Who are you?” His curiosity piqued, he leans in slightly, intrigued by your unexpected presence.

“I’m Jessi’s sister,” you declare confidently, your arms folding beneath your chest. As the realization dawns on him, he’s flooded with a mix of surprise and nostalgia. Of course, you’re Jessi’s sister! How could he have missed it? Memories come flooding back, of days spent playing together as children, and he can’t help but feel a rush of warmth at the sight of you, his childhood friend. A hint of that old crush resurfaces, sending his heart racing in his chest.

His cheeks warm with a blush, though he fights to keep it concealed. Admitting that his crush on you never waned might be too much, too soon. “You don’t remember me?” He ventures, a flicker of hope in his eyes, yet tinged with apprehension. The thought that you might not recall him is unsettling; after all, he had his own struggles recognizing you, despite the unmistakable familiarity.

As you simply stare at him, he adds, “It’s me, Jimin,” a hint of self-realization accompanying his words. It dawns on him that he never properly introduced himself, contributing to the confusion.

“Park?” You echo, incredulity weaving through your voice as you study him, and a soft chuckle escapes him, granting you a moment to recollect the countless hours spent playing together.

“Yeah! Don’t you remember? We played together when we were kids,” he chuckles warmly, gently nudging your memory in the hope of rekindling the moments of your childhood, now flooding vividly back to him.

You were such a vibrant and spirited girl back then, and you’re just as captivating now. You used to play games with him and your sister, embarking on countless adventures around your ranch and his parents’ property.

As recognition dawns upon you, he observes the tension in your features melting away, replaced by a sense of familiarity. Gesturing for you to take a seat, he retrieves a glass of water, all the while marveling at your presence. You look breathtaking, and the realization that you’re back hits him like a tidal wave. It’s been two decades since he last saw you, yet the memories flood back with a vengeance, reigniting the flames of that childhood crush in his heart.

“I’m sorry about your mom,” he offers his condolences, aware of the complexity of losing a parent, especially considering the strained relationship you’ve had with her for years, details he gleaned from your sister. Your expression shifts into one of pain, but you quickly dismiss it with a “It’s whatever,” though he senses it's anything but. Respectful of your boundaries, he refrains from probing further, though he silently wishes you’d open up. If ever you needed someone to talk to, he’d be there in a heartbeat, ready to lend a listening ear and a comforting shoulder to cry on, no matter the hour.

He offers you a warm, reassuring smile, a gesture he knows he can manage in times like these. Just then, he hears the familiar footsteps of your sister approaching, “Aren’t you supposed to be working?” Her usual nagging about work trailing behind her like a persistent echo. But sometimes, he thinks, a brief respite is necessary before diving back into the grind. With a chuckle, he bids you farewell, promising to return to his tasks shortly. As he returns to his work, a contented smile graces his lips, though beneath the surface, his heart races with an unexpected flurry of emotions, stirred up by your unexpected presence.

As the barn party kicks off, Jimin finds himself consumed by thoughts of you, his mind drifting back to the encounter in the kitchen. It’s a strange sensation, akin to the giddiness of a schoolboy harboring a secret crush—except in this case, it's not just a youthful infatuation; it’s a reunion with someone from his past. When you and your father left the ranch, he never imagined seeing you again, the sudden departure leaving him with unspoken feelings he couldn't articulate at the time. He regrets not expressing his affection for you back then, but in hindsight, he knows you were both just kids, and such declarations might not have been taken seriously anyway.

Now that you’ve returned and his dormant feelings have resurfaced with a vengeance, Jimin feels an urgent need to express himself. He’s torn between the desire to reconnect with you as friends or dare to hope for something more. As he attempts to rein in his racing thoughts, he realizes just how awkward he can be around women, especially you, whom he holds in such high regard. But despite his nervousness, his affection for you outweighs his fear of awkwardness, propelling him to seek a meaningful connection with you once more.

The barn pulses with the rhythm of the music, matching the frantic beat of Jimin’s thoughts. He caught a glimpse of you earlier, but amidst the sea of people, he’s lost sight of you. The desire to reconnect with you burns fiercely within him, igniting the hope of perhaps mustering the courage to ask you out on a date. As he navigates through the crowd, he can’t shake the anticipation building in his chest, eager to find you and seize the opportunity to reignite your friendship.

As Jimin steps outside into the darkness, his heart races with anticipation, but what he encounters crushes him like a ton of bricks. His eyes land on you, pinned against the wall by his own brother, Jungkook, their heavy breaths echoing in the night. The sight drains the color from his world, leaving him feeling hollow and breathless. It’s a visceral punch to the gut, witnessing you entangled with his brother in such an intimate embrace. He can’t bear to look, the sickness rising in his throat threatens to overwhelm him. With a quick turn, he retreats back inside, his heart heavy with sorrow, his body trembling with a coldness that belies the heat of the barn.

Your eyes, reflecting surprise and sorrow, haunt his thoughts relentlessly. Jimin’s anger simmers beneath the surface, fueled by the sight of you with his brother. Jungkook’s magnetic charm is a curse Jimin knows all too well. It’s a pattern he’s witnessed countless times— his dates inevitably gravitate towards Jungkook’s allure, leaving Jimin feeling like a mere shadow in comparison. The pain of this familiar betrayal cuts deep, gnawing at his insides. He curses himself for his own hesitance, wishing he had seized the chance to connect with you before Jungkook’s spell took hold. Perhaps then, you wouldn’t be entangled with his brother now.

His chest tightens with a mix of fury and resignation. Rationality tells him you owe him nothing, yet the sting of rejection cuts deep. It’s a bitter pill he’s swallowed before, a recurring cycle of dashed hopes. Jungkook’s effortless allure always casts a shadow over Jimin’s prospects, leaving him feeling like fate’s perpetual underdog. The injustice of it all boils within him, a potent blend of anger and despair.

The weight of disappointment crushes his spirit, suffocating any semblance of enjoyment. What’s the point of staying at the party when the sight of you with his brother taints every corner of the barn? It’s a bitter pill to swallow, realizing he’s become a mere spectator in the game of love, always on the sidelines while Jungkook effortlessly steals the show. With a heavy heart, he contemplates leaving, unwilling to dampen the festivities with his darkening mood.

Jimin’s heart clenches at the mere thought of encountering you again, knowing all too well the anguish that awaits him in your eyes. Since witnessing you with his brother, he’s been ensnared by a whirlwind of hurt and resentment, emotions he’s been struggling to untangle. Your return, alongside your sister, feels like a cruel twist of fate, forcing him to confront the turmoil bubbling within him. Avoiding your gaze has become his coping mechanism, a feeble attempt to shield himself from the raw vulnerability lurking beneath the surface. Deep down, he still harbors affection for you, but the shadow of your entanglement with Jungkook looms large, casting doubt on any potential future between you. He doesn’t think you’ll ever be satisfied with him, now that you’ve been with his brother. The bitter realization gnaws at his soul, threatening to consume him whole. Yet, he knows dwelling on such thoughts serves no purpose, only deepening the wounds already etched into his heart.

“Where’s Kook?” Your sister’s inquiry cuts through the heavy silence, offering Jimin a fleeting respite from the tumult of his emotions. Grateful for the distraction, he exhales a silent sigh of relief, seizing the opportunity to avert his gaze from you, if only for a moment longer.

“In the barn fixing his bike, I’ll get him,” he responds with a forced smile, determined to maintain a facade of composure despite the turmoil within. As he strides past both of you, he catches the subtle shift in your gaze, but he refuses to acknowledge it, steeling himself against the flood of emotions threatening to engulf him. Ignoring you feels like self-preservation, a necessary shield against the ache in his heart.

Jimin locates his brother, and together they make their way back to where you and your sister stand. Jungkook, ever the cocky one, can’t resist a jab, his smirk evident as he quips, “Back for round two?”

Jimin scowls at his brother’s remark, finding him insufferable as usual. Anger bubbles within him, exacerbated by the widened shock in your eyes, as if they might pop out of their sockets at any moment. With an exasperated eye roll, Jimin brushes off Jungkook’s comment.

“No, thank you,” you sputter, and Jimin can’t help but feel a glimmer of relief, sensing that you’re not interested in his brother’s crude advances.

“You’re welcome anytime, babe,” his brother teases, winking at you, and Jimin suppresses a sigh. Jungkook’s flirtatious nature is no secret, but at this moment, Jimin can’t help but feel a twinge of irritation at his brother’s antics.

“Enough of that,” your sister declares, her interruption a welcome relief from the tension swirling in the air. Jimin exhales slowly, grateful for the distraction, as the mere thought of you and Jungkook ignites a fiery surge of jealousy within him. He knows delving into the depths of his unresolved emotions would only unravel him further, and he’s not ready to confront that turmoil just yet.

He catches the subtle glances you steal in his direction, but your eyes dart away the moment they meet his. It’s a confusing dance of fleeting interest, leaving Jimin bewildered and uncertain. After all, you’ve been intimate with his brother, so why would you show any interest in him? The ambiguity of your gaze sends his thoughts spiraling, unsure of what to make of the situation. Deciding it’s best to avoid further speculation, Jimin opts to keep his gaze lowered, wrestling with the tumult of emotions churning within him.

The bar door swings open, and there you are, clad in nothing but pants and a bra. His gaze darts to your anxious eyes, taking in the tremble of your body as you and your entourage make your way over to their table.

“Did you lose a bet or something?” Jungkook’s voice rings out, accompanied by a sharp whistle and a burst of laughter. Jimin rolls his eyes, frustration bubbling up at his brother’s relentless teasing of you.

He watches as you effortlessly roll your eyes at his brother’s teasing remark, your composure unshaken as you confidently take a seat.

“Well. Someone doesn’t share clothes. Apparently.” You quip with a hint of playful spite, directing your gaze at your sister, and he can’t help but chuckle, hastily concealing it behind a hand pressed to his lips.

You’re introduced to Yoongi and Hoseok, and Soo-ah hands you a beer, initiating conversation. Jimin finds his gaze lingering on your exposed skin, noticing the goosebumps forming and wondering if you’re feeling the chill.

“Aren’t you cold?” He notices how you bite your lip, but you merely shrug in response. Jimin considers offering you his shirt, though he’s unsure of how you’d react. Despite being comfortable sitting shirtless himself, he contemplates making the gesture anyway—

“Here. You can have my shirt,” his brother beats him to it, and Jimin grumbles, clenching his hands under the table in frustration. Damn it. He had wanted to offer you his shirt, but now he’s too late because he hesitated and over-thought the situation. Again. 

God, sometimes Jimin really despises his brother.

“Well, look who’s playing the gentleman,” Yoongi teases with a playful smack to Jungkook’s chest, and Jimin can’t help but roll his eyes once more. He’s well aware that his brother always has an agenda, always.

“Easier to pick up the ladies like this, anyway,” Jungkook remarks with a smirk, confirming Jimin’s suspicions. Jungkook may not be aiming to win you back, but he’s always on the lookout for the next pretty face. It’s moments like these that remind Jimin just how shallow his brother can be, always thinking with his dick instead of his brain.

As the table empties out, leaving just you and Jimin, a palpable tension lingers in the air, thickening with each passing moment. He can sense your uncertainty, and it mirrors his own nervousness. The weight of the unspoken words between you feels heavy, almost suffocating. Jimin shifts uncomfortably, unsure if he should break the silence or let it linger, unsure if his words will only add to the tension.

“I’m sorry if I did something wrong,” your hesitant voice cuts through the tension like a knife, breaking the suffocating silence that had settled between you. With a nervous expression, you fidget with your beer, your eyes betraying a mixture of apprehension and genuine concern.

His breath catches in his throat, surprised by your unexpected apology. Nodding gently, he gestures for you to elaborate, his mind racing with a blend of curiosity and cautious apprehension. Though uncertain of the reason behind your apology, he’s prepared to listen, his thoughts swirling with tentative guesses.

“I’m sorry I slept with your brother…” Your words cut through the air like a chilling breeze, each syllable heavy with the weight of regret. In a hushed confession, you lay bare the source of your apology, and he feels his chest tighten in response. His facade wavers momentarily, a flinch betraying the torrent of emotions raging within him. Beneath the veneer of composure, a tempest of anger swirls, threatening to engulf him in its fiery grasp.

“Why apologize for that?” His voice carries a hint of curiosity, a mask for the turmoil brewing beneath the surface. With a casual sip of his beer, he studies you intently, his eyes flickering with a mixture of emotions. You’re allowed to fuck whoever you want, he acknowledges inwardly, but the bitterness lingers, souring the taste of his thoughts. It’s not so much the act itself that stings, but the circumstances surrounding it—his brother, the witness to your intimacy. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, and he can’t help but lament the unfortunate twist of fate.

“It just seems like you’re angry with me… or something,” you add tentatively, your words laced with apprehension. He notices the nervous edge in your voice, the subtle tremor betraying your uncertainty, and how you avert your gaze, as if unable to meet his eyes.

“Look,” he starts, leaning in slightly over the table, his voice measured yet tinged with underlying emotion, “I’m not really angry. Maybe I’m more disappointed?” Despite his attempt at rationalizing his feelings, he knows deep down that anger brews within him, though its target remains elusive—whether directed at you or his brother, he’s unsure. After all, they’re all adults here, and dwelling on this resentment won’t change anything. Deep down, he knows he’s harboring a sense of anger, not necessarily at you, but at the recurring pattern where his brother always seems to come out on top. It’s a feeling of disappointment that runs deeper than just this one incident—it’s a narrative that’s unfolded over years, leaving him questioning his own worth. And he recognizes, it isn’t your fault; you’re just caught in the crossfire of a longstanding dynamic.

“You are, of course, allowed to sleep with whoever you want to. It’s just… it’s always him.” His words carry a raw edge, laced with a palpable mix of frustration and resentment. Jungkook’s recurring presence in such situations gnaws at him, a constant reminder of his brother’s tendency to overshadow him. Yet, even amidst his own turmoil, he realizes the futility of roping you into their tangled sibling rivalry. It’s an unhealthy dynamic, one he knows all too well, and he doesn’t want to drag you into its murky depths.

He watches as a wave of realization washes over your features, but he feels compelled to add more. “All women are drawn to him. He’s always fucking around. Not that I’m saying I want to be like that, but sometimes, it would be nice to feel noticed, you know?” Damn it. He said too much. Did he have too many beers? No, he’s barely finished his first bottle, and yet here he is, pouring out truths from the depths of his heart.

Damn it, why did he say that? He curses inwardly, realizing he’s delving into territory he’d rather avoid. He desperately needs to steer the conversation elsewhere, pronto.

“You know… When I saw you that day in the kitchen after all those years,” he starts tentatively, hoping to shift the focus away from his raw emotions.

He rakes his fingers through his hair, a gesture betraying the turmoil within. “I never thought I would see you again when you and your father left,” he confesses, a mixture of longing and regret bubbling beneath the surface, camouflaged by a forced chuckle.

His nerves prickle like a live wire, urging him to speak, even as his mind screams caution. “Did you know,” he blurts, the words tumbling out despite his better judgment, “I had a crush on you when we were kids?” His throat tightens with apprehension, berating himself internally for the sudden confession. Was it just one beer he had? Because why on earth would he reveal this now?

“I had no idea,” you reply, your voice laced with surprise and regret, your features softening with an apologetic expression. “I’m truly sorry.”

“It’s fine,” he chuckles, though the tension in his voice betrays his true feelings. His heart races with nervousness, cursing himself for his lack of restraint in revealing his past crush. But there's a deeper secret he keeps buried: his current feelings for you, perhaps even love. It's a precarious balance between wanting to confess and fearing rejection. He prays his mouth won’t betray him again, divulging more than he’s ready to admit.

Sensing the danger of delving further into emotions, he swiftly changes the topic, opting for safer conversational waters. Offering to fetch another round of beers, he steers the discussion towards lighter subjects. Yet, beneath his composed facade, he finds himself unnerved by you. There’s an undeniable allure to your demeanor— a blend of nervousness and confidence that both intrigues and intimidates him. He’s drawn to your self-assuredness, yet fears the intensity of his own feelings, wary of pushing you away with his overwhelming emotions.

“I’ve been considering heading back home. It just feels like I mess everything up…” You confess, your words tinged with uncertainty, and he feels a surge of emotion. Panic grips him at the mere thought of you leaving. No. No. He can’t bear the idea of you walking away, of missing out on the potential moments you could share together. Despite his internal conflict, a selfish desire whispers in his heart, urging you to stay, if only for a little while longer.

“No, no, you shouldn’t give up. Please, give it some more time,” he urges, his voice laced with genuine concern. Each word carries the weight of his longing, a silent plea for you to stay. Memories of his childhood flood his mind, reminding him of the warmth you brought to his heart. He can’t bear the thought of losing you again, not when he feels a flicker of hope reignite in his heart at your return.

Jimin has been surreptitiously observing you as you sort wool with Yoongi, stealing glances whenever he can muster the courage. Each time your eyes meet his, it sends a flutter through his chest, a silent reminder of the unresolved emotions swirling within him. He grapples with the realization that perhaps he’s been too quick to let his insecurities dictate his reactions, especially when he witnessed you with his brother. Yet, amidst the tangled mess of doubts and hopes, one thing remains clear—he still harbors feelings for you. With each passing moment, he wrestles with the notion of reaching out, of bridging the gap that has formed between you. Could there be a chance to mend what’s broken, to transcend the shadow of past misunderstandings? As he contemplates these questions, he can’t shake the feeling that maybe, just maybe, there’s a glimmer of mutual interest between you two. But how does one navigate the delicate dance of reigniting a connection fraught with uncertainties? Jimin finds himself at a loss, grappling with the complexities of his own heart as he yearns for a sign, a signal that could pave the way for a new beginning.

Caught off guard by the sudden outburst, Jimin’s thoughts scatter like startled birds as your sister’s sharp reprimand slices through the air. He can’t help but feel a pang of sympathy for you, knowing firsthand the intensity of Jessi’s temper. Watching your gaze falter, retreating from the accusatory finger jabbing in your direction, he senses your discomfort like a palpable wave washing over the scene. A surge of concern floods Jimin’s chest as he worries about the impact Jessi’s harsh words might have on you. Could this tirade be the final straw, driving you away for good? The fear gnaws at him, a silent plea echoing in his mind for some semblance of peace to return to the tense atmosphere.

As you take a hesitant step backward, Jimin’s heart clenches with concern, his grip on the clippers loosening as he watches you dart towards the door. Without a second thought, he abandons the tools and bolts after you, propelled by a surge of urgency to catch up and ensure you’re okay.

“Please come back,” Jimin’s plea is tinged with desperation as he watches you retreat towards the house. His heart races with a sense of urgency, knowing he can’t let you leave without offering some comfort. He longs to reassure you that your sister’s harshness doesn't define your worth, that everything will eventually fall into place.

As you pivot, a look of anguish etched across your features, you confess, “I fuck everything up Jimin.” His heart aches at your admission, wondering what else burdens your mind. “I feel utterly useless on this ranch,” you add, your voice heavy with self-doubt. Jimin's resolve strengthens, determined to offer you the solace and encouragement you desperately need.

“It’s to be expected. You’ll get better,” he reassures you, his voice laced with sincerity. Despite his efforts to comfort you, he notices how you’ve withdrawn into yourself, lost in your own thoughts.

“Do you think I belong here?” Your question catches him off guard and he gapes at you, but he already knows the answer to your question, so it’s easy.

“I do,” he says, his voice carrying a depth of emotion that belies the simplicity of the words. It’s a plea, a fervent wish whispered into the air, a silent urging for you to see what he sees – that this place, this ranch, is where you truly belong. Deep down, he knows it’s selfish, but damn it, he can’t bear the thought of you leaving.

“I believe you just need time,” he offers with a gentle smile, though beneath it, he can feel the weight of your uncertainty. It’s a small offering of solace, but he knows words alone can’t ease the turmoil brewing within you.

“I don’t think I fit in, and I feel like an imposter,” you confess, your voice carrying the weight of uncertainty. Each word strikes a chord within him, a pang of sadness laced with determination. He can’t bear the thought of you feeling out of place, not when he envisions you finding your footing here, becoming a part of this place he calls home. He believes in you, in your ability to belong, and he’s willing to give you all the time you need to see it too.

One thing is a childhood crush, but delving into the depths of who you are now, the adult version of you, that’s what he craves. He yearns to unravel the layers, to discover if there’s a deeper connection waiting to be unearthed between you two, something more profound and meaningful than just fleeting feelings from the past.

As the rain cascades down upon both of you, Jimin’s attention isn’t on the weather, but on you, on your emotions. “We should get back” he suggests, aware that the rain shows no signs of relenting. Yet, amidst the downpour, he seizes a moment of boldness, reaching out to intertwine his fingers with yours. “You belong here,” he affirms, his touch conveying a silent plea for you to stay, to weather the storm together, not just the rain outside, but the uncertainties within.

He prays silently that his words and gestures are enough to anchor you here, but deep down, he understands he can’t dictate your choices. The decision to stay must be yours alone, driven by your own desires and dreams. Yet, a fervent longing swells within him, an unspoken wish that you’ll choose to remain, not for his sake, but for your own. Oh, how he yearns for you to stay.

You left. It’s a twist he didn’t see coming, yet somehow, it makes sense. Your sister’s relentless demands and the weight of your own insecurities pushed you away. He empathizes; Jessi’s temper can be overwhelming, and she hasn’t exactly rolled out the welcome mat for you. And your self-doubt about your skills on the ranch? He gets it. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and he certainly wasn’t a master of everything from the get-go either. Improvement comes with time, and he believes in your potential to thrive.

Why does he find himself standing in front of your city home, heart pounding against his ribcage like a caged bird? He knocks, and when the door swings open, you greet him with a mix of surprise and puzzlement, yet your smile, soft and tender, ignites a wildfire of hope in his chest.

“Jimin?” Your voice carries a blend of curiosity and caution, eyes darting around to confirm his identity, a flicker of uncertainty dancing in their depths.

“Hey,” he greets you with a hint of shyness, his voice slightly uneven as if your mere presence has the power to stir up a whirlwind of emotions within him. You have this uncanny ability to make his heart flutter and his nerves dance, rendering him almost breathless in your presence.

“Come in,” you invite, and as he steps across the threshold, his senses are immediately greeted by the cozy compact hallway, each corner whispering tales of your daily life within the confines of your two-bedroom apartment.

“What brings you here, Jimin?” You inquire, your eyes sparkling with curiosity and a hint of anticipation, inviting him to share the purpose of his unexpected visit. His heart races with the weight of unspoken words, debating whether to reveal the depth of his feelings, to confess how much he misses you and yearns for your return. Yet, he hesitates, fearing that such raw honesty might overwhelm you, opting instead to tread lightly into the depths of the conversation.

“I came here because there’s something I wanted to talk to you about,” he starts, his gaze wandering around your apartment. An easel catches his eye, displaying a painting in the corner. He hadn’t realized you painted. Memories of your childhood passion for art resurface, but he hadn’t expected you to continue. Your dedication surprises and impresses him. As he admires the artwork, he can’t help but think how much it reflects your beauty and depth, a reflection of the intricate layers of your soul.

“You mentioned wanting to talk?” You inquire, drawing his attention away from your paintings. There’s a hint of curiosity in your voice, and he notices the way your eyes search his face, as if trying to decipher his thoughts. He feels a sudden rush of nerves, realizing the weight of the conversation he’s about to embark upon.

“Sure, let’s go to a cafe and have that talk,” he proposes, a spark of anticipation igniting in his eyes, his heart quickening with the prospect of finally opening up to you.

You suggest heading to a nearby café, and he readily agrees, the anticipation building as you walk the short distance together. Your demeanor betrays a hint of anxiety, and he can’t blame you—after all, he did show up unannounced, eager to talk. Arriving at the café, you both place your orders, and Jimin can feel the nervous energy coursing through him at the thought of opening up to you. But as he steals glances at your radiant smile, he knows he needs to gather his thoughts and make this moment count.

As you dig into your chocolate cake, you turn to him with a curious glint in your eyes. “So, what’s on your mind?” you inquire, your voice carrying a mix of anticipation and intrigue.

He can’t help but chuckle nervously, a subtle tremor in his voice betraying his unease as his hand moves to shield his smile. “It’s about you actually,” he confesses, his gaze lingering on you, as if searching for the right words to convey the weight of his thoughts.

He watches intently as your eyes widen, your lips parting in shock. “Me?” You echo softly, the word hanging in the air, laced with a mixture of curiosity and apprehension.

He feels his heart quicken its pace, his palms moistening with nervousness. “We miss you,” he admits, his voice a blend of longing and reluctance. Jimin knows he shouldn’t reveal too much, shouldn’t tell you how much he misses you. Yeah, the other’s miss you too and your sister actually regrets how she had been treating you. The words are close to spill out anyway. He can’t help it. Your puzzled expression prompts him to elaborate, “Everybody back home.”

The words sting him like a slap in the face. “That place isn’t my home anymore,” you declare, and each syllable feels like a dagger to his heart. He knows deep down that your old home could be your sanctuary once more, if only you’d give it another chance.

“It could be,” he responds softly, his words laden with unspoken longing. He wrestles with the urge to confess how much he aches for your presence, but he reins it in, wary of overwhelming you. Yet, glimpsing your paintings in your apartment, he discerns a silent yearning for the ranch.

“Everybody misses you, even your sister,” he adds, hoping to bridge the chasm between your worlds.

You scoff at that notion, momentarily entertaining the idea that your sister orchestrated his visit. He almost finds it amusing. Sure, Jessi might regret her actions, but her pride likely won’t allow her to apologize. He came here of his own volition, driven solely by his feelings for you. And as he gauges your response, he wonders if your sentiments mirror his own. He longs for certainty before taking the next step, eager to discern if your heart echoes his.

You spend the remaining time engaged in conversation about his heartfelt conviction that you belong on the ranch. He earnestly endeavors to sway your decision, silently yearning for your return—not just to the land, but to him. Yet, he hesitates to voice these sentiments, aware of the weight they carry. It pains him to witness your despondency, your yearning for the solace of a home—a comfort he believes he could offer, if only you desired it. Eventually, you concede to mull over the prospect of returning, a small glimmer of hope that lifts his spirits.

He’s reluctant for the day to draw to a close, even after both of you have polished off your cakes. So, he proposes a shopping excursion, and as you amble down the bustling street, he revels in the simple joy of your company. Witnessing you try on various dresses fills him with delight, but it’s the moment you find one that makes you radiate with confidence that truly captivates him. As you stand before the mirror, the dress hugging your curves in all the right places, he’s struck by the desire to gift it to you. Your surprised reaction to his offer, accompanied by a blush that tinges your cheeks, only serves to further enchant him.

As you return to your apartment and settle in to order food, Jimin realizes he’s extending his stay beyond his initial intentions. He’s wary of overstaying his welcome, yet he finds himself relishing every moment spent in your presence. Together, you indulge in a satisfying meal, the aroma of comfort food filling the air. With appetites sated, you delve into a conversation that spans the years since you departed from the ranch. Each shared anecdote and exchanged experience bridges the gap of time, weaving a tapestry of shared memories and newfound connection.

As he opens up to you, Jimin shares the tumultuous story of his family, particularly focusing on his father’s betrayal and subsequent remarriage shortly after his mother's passing. Recounting these painful memories is a struggle for him, as he harbors deep-seated resentment, especially towards his father for his infidelity. To Jimin, loyalty is paramount, and the thought of betraying a loved one is unfathomable. He reflects on the challenging dynamic with Jungkook, his stepbrother thrust into his life against his wishes. Initially resistant to the idea of a new sibling, Jimin grappled with conflicting emotions, navigating the complexities of familial relationships with grit and resilience.

He notices your curious gaze, fixated on the subtle limp in his stride, a constant reminder of a past he’d rather forget. Jimin understands the unspoken question lingering in your eyes, the same one that everyone seems eager to ask about. It’s a topic he loathes discussing—the limp, the accident, and the haunting scar etched into his flesh. Yet, he opens up to you, albeit selectively, glossing over certain details. He shields you from the raw emotions that still cling to the memories, like the overwhelming fear that consumed him in the aftermath, or the excruciating pain that once threatened to steal his mobility forever. Despite the physical healing, the pain persists, a relentless echo of the trauma that reshaped his life.

As if drawn by an invisible force, your hand ventures to his thigh, your touch igniting a cascade of sensations that electrify his senses. Each stroke sends a jolt of pleasure through him, coaxing his heart into a frantic rhythm matched only by the whirlwind of thoughts racing through his mind. His body responds eagerly to your touch, craving more, yearning for the warmth of your hand in places where desire simmers just beneath the surface. Jimin knows he shouldn’t entertain these forbidden thoughts, but the allure of your touch is intoxicating, tempting him into a realm of pleasure he’s desperate to explore. With each passing moment, your hand inches closer to his dick, and he's powerless to resist the magnetic pull drawing him toward the world of lust.

“Is this okay?” Your gentle inquiry sends a surge of electricity through the air, and Jimin feels a wave of apprehension wash over him. He’s caught between the desire to surrender to the intoxicating allure of your touch and the fear of crossing a line he might not be able to uncross. Yet, despite the tumult of emotions raging within him, he manages to croak out a strained “yes,” his voice betraying the depth of his longing and the intensity of his arousal.

God damn it, he curses inwardly as a surge of desire courses through him, causing his body to react involuntarily. He shifts uncomfortably, prompting your hand to retreat apologetically as you murmur, “I’m sorry.”

He reassures you with a strained “it’s okay,” but inside, he’s reeling from the lingering sensation of your touch. Your hands had worked wonders, but it’s not just the massage that’s setting him alight; it’s the mere contact with you, igniting a dangerous blaze of desire within him.

He’s acutely aware of the charged atmosphere between you, a palpable tension that threatens to unravel with every passing moment. Seeking respite, you suggest watching a movie, and he agrees, grateful for the distraction. As the film unfolds, he finds himself more captivated by the way your eyelids flutter and eventually succumb to sleep, your head gently resting against his chest. With tender care, he brushes away the stray strands of hair that caress your face, his heart swelling with affection at the sight of you in such peaceful repose. He realizes, in that moment, the depth of his feelings for you—love, pure and unadulterated. Yet, the weight of uncertainty presses upon him like a heavy burden. Should he confess his love, risking the fragile bond of friendship that now exists between you both? Or should he continue to cherish these stolen moments, content in the knowledge that you’re by his side, even if only as friends?

“I love you,” he murmurs softly, the words slipping from his lips like a secret confession, a whispered promise to the sleeping form nestled against him. In the hushed stillness of the room, he finds solace in the act of vocalizing his feelings, the weight of his emotions easing with each syllable uttered. Though he knows you’re unaware of his declaration in your slumber, he takes comfort in the notion that the words hang in the air, a silent testament to the depth of his affection for you. Yet, as the echoes of his confession fade into the night, he realizes that his journey towards vocalizing his love has only just begun—a journey he’s determined to embark upon, armed with nothing but his unwavering devotion and the courage to speak his heart when you’re awake, ready to hear his words.

He hadn’t intended on staying the night, but your gentle slumber on his lap had rooted him in place. He couldn’t bear to disrupt your peaceful rest, and truth be told, he relished the sensation of your weight against him. He couldn’t recall when your head had found its way to his thighs, but the warmth of your presence was a comfort he couldn’t deny. However, the unwelcome arousal pressing against his jeans was a stark reminder of his body’s betraying response to your innocent proximity. Your soft murmurs and endearing sighs had stirred something primal within him, leaving him unable to conceal the undeniable evidence of his desire.

“Oh, goodness! I’m so sorry!” You exclaim, scrambling to sit upright, cheeks tinged with a delicate blush. He can't help but chuckle at your flustered reaction, finding your genuine concern endearing.

“It’s okay. I just woke up,” he assures, though it’s not entirely true. He’s been awake for a few moments, captivated by the peaceful sight of you sleeping. Is it a bit creepy? Perhaps. But at that moment, he couldn’t bring himself to care.

You end up apologizing profusely for inadvertently resting on his injured leg, but he reassures you, insisting it didn’t hurt much. Suddenly, you offer to whip up some pancakes, and the idea sounds heavenly to him. He realizes how hungry he is, so the prospect of food is more than welcome.

He realizes he should head back home soon. Yesterday, he left without a word to his brother, and he certainly didn’t mention staying the night elsewhere. Jungkook might be in a panic by now, given the flurry of missed calls on his phone. Oops.

The pancakes you’ve whipped up are simply divine, and for a fleeting moment, he entertains the idea of staying here with you indefinitely. But reality pulls him back to the ranch, his responsibilities tugging at his heartstrings. Deep down, he yearns for you to join him there, to make the place feel complete once more. Yet, he knows he can’t impose such a request on you. Your decision to return must stem from your own desires. As the time draws near for his departure, he lingers a bit longer, subtly conveying how much he’ll miss you if you choose not to come back.

“I hope to see you again, maybe back home?” His gaze lingers on you, a silent plea echoing in his eyes. In that suspended moment, he senses a subtle transformation within you, a shift in the air that ignites a blush on your cheeks. And in that shared vulnerability, he feels his own heart quicken its pace, a silent testament to the magnetic pull you exert on him with each passing moment.

As you remain silent, he gathers his courage, emboldened by the delicate flush on your cheeks. Closing the gap between you, he leans in, his breath mingling with yours as he presses a gentle kiss to your forehead. A playful grin tugs at his lips, betraying the nervous flutter in his chest; he can feel the warmth rising to his cheeks, but he couldn’t resist the urge to express his longing in that fleeting touch.

“See you at home,” he whispers, the words carrying a weight of anticipation as he descends the stairs. His heart thunders in his chest, a symphony of excitement and nerves that threaten to overwhelm him. Despite the adrenaline coursing through his veins, a wide grin splits his face, a telltale sign of the emotions bubbling within him. In that moment, he feels like a fool — a foolish, lovesick fool.

You’ve returned, and it’s like a missing piece of his world has finally clicked back into place. Since his visit to the city, everything between you seems to hum with a new energy, a subtle shift that he can’t ignore. The air crackles with anticipation, and he can’t help but notice the lingering glances, the charged moments that pass between you. He senses the attraction growing, weaving its way between you like a delicate thread. Perhaps it’s time to take the next step, to ask you out on a proper date. But first, there’s the matter of moving your belongings from the city back to the ranch, a task he embraces eagerly, knowing it’s a chance to be by your side once more.

He chuckles at the sight of neatly packed boxes, already lined up and ready to go. He had braced himself for a lengthy packing session, but you’ve surprised him with your efficiency. With everything neatly organized, the task ahead seems much simpler. Now, all that’s left is to lift and load the boxes onto the truck and trailer, and you’ll be ready to roll.

Despite the weight of the boxes and the growing ache in his leg, he soldiers on without complaint. He refuses to let you see the strain he’s under, determined to make this transition as smooth as possible for you. Together, you lift and carry furniture, ensuring that nothing is left behind. Finally, you slide the key into the landlord’s mailbox, marking the end of an era and the beginning of a new chapter.

As you navigate the road back home, he catches your gaze drifting to his leg, a subtle twitch betraying the discomfort he’s trying to conceal. Despite his efforts to mask the pain, he can tell you’ve seen through his facade.

“Does your leg hurt?” Your concern is palpable in the gentle tone of your voice. He hesitates, debating whether to offer a reassuring lie or admit to the discomfort gnawing at him. Ultimately, honesty wins out. “Yeah, a bit,” he confesses, unable to shield you from the truth.

Your hand ventures across the center console, landing on his thigh with a gentle, reassuring pressure that sends a jolt through him. As your fingers begin to work their magic, tracing soothing circles over his tense muscles, he feels his defenses weakening. Like an inferno ignited, desire surges within him, rendering him powerless to resist. A soft moan slips past his lips, betraying the overwhelming effect of your touch, and he knows he’s in trouble, especially while navigating the road ahead.

His mind is a whirlwind of forbidden desires, each touch of your hand stoking the flames of his longing. With every inch your hand inches closer, his body responds eagerly, aching for your touch. Yet, amidst the overwhelming urge, a voice of reason echoes in his mind, reminding him of the danger of indulging in such desires while driving. Despite the throbbing need coursing through him, he fights to suppress his carnal urges, knowing that some pleasures are too risky to pursue in the heat of the moment.

“Please stop,” his voice, a blend of desire and restraint, breaks the tension-filled silence, pleading for respite from the intoxicating allure of your touch. As your hand halts its tantalizing caress on his thigh, a palpable tension hangs in the air, his body yearning for the forbidden pleasure yet tempered by the awareness of the dangers lurking on the road ahead.

“I might lose focus on the road if you keep that up,” he confesses, his tone laced with a blend of restraint and longing, revealing the precarious balance between desire and responsibility. With each passing moment, the tantalizing temptation grows stronger, stirring a primal urge within him. For a fleeting instant, he entertains the reckless notion of pulling over, and just fucking you, like he really wants to do.

Jimin is rendered speechless as you glide through the doors, clad in the dress he picked out for you. The sight of you steals his breath away, igniting a fire within him that he struggles to contain. Your radiant smile lights up the room, and as your eyes meet his, it’s as if the world fades away, leaving only the two of you enveloped in an electric moment.

You take in the surroundings of the house, every detail seemingly more enchanting with Jimin by your side. As he gracefully pulls you into a slow dance, the world outside fades away, leaving only the two of you in a timeless embrace. The warmth of his hand in yours and the genuine smile on your face envelop him in a sense of serenity, and for a moment, he’s lost in the beauty of the moment, captivated by the sight of you.

You sway together in the gentle rhythm of the music, but beneath the surface, a tempest of emotions rages within Jimin. With every step, he feels the magnetic pull towards you intensify, igniting a wildfire of desire that threatens to consume him whole. The urge to whisk you away upstairs, to pour out his heart, to share every secret and desire, is almost overpowering. Yet, in the midst of this intoxicating whirlwind, fear gnaws at him. This unbridled attraction, so fierce and undeniable, terrifies him in its intensity, for it’s unlike anything he's ever experienced before, and it’s already reshaping the very fabric of his emotions.

As his brother, Jungkook, sweeps in to ask you for a dance, Jimin’s eyes roll with a mix of amusement and mild annoyance. Reluctantly, he steps aside, letting you be whisked away into the arms of his sibling, though a flicker of jealousy ignites in his chest. As you twirl away with Jungkook, Jimin can’t help but feel a pang of insecurity, wondering if he’s made a mistake by relinquishing your presence, even if only for a dance.

Meanwhile, Jimin gracefully makes his way to the piano, a glint of determination in his eyes. He settles onto the bench, his fingers poised over the keys with a mixture of nerves and excitement. With a soft, thoughtful expression, he adjusts the volume of the music, letting the melody fill the room with a gentle ambiance. As he begins to play, his heart pours into the music, each note resonating with a depth of emotion that only he can truly understand. With a voice rich with sincerity, he sings a love song, his eyes flickering over to where you stand, hoping that you’ll appreciate the gesture.

In the midst of the music, Jimin wrestles with his own conflicting emotions. He knows he should muster the courage to express his feelings directly to you, to tell you that he’s head over heels in love. Yet, fear grips him, the fear of rejection, of vulnerability. Despite the undeniable connection he feels between you, he hesitates, unsure of how you’ll respond.

Instead, he lets the melody speak for him, allowing the heartfelt lyrics to convey the depth of his affection. With each tender note, he silently hopes that you’ll understand the message hidden within the music, the silent plea for your reciprocation.

Your expression betrays a mixture of surprise and curiosity as Jimin finishes his serenade. Without a word, he rises from the piano bench, his hand outstretched towards you, a silent invitation in his gaze. “Please, come with me,” he implores softly, his voice laced with an urgency that belies the calm exterior he tries to maintain. With a gentle yet firm grasp, he leads you towards the door, a sense of purpose driving his movements.

As he leads you outside, Jimin can feel the weight of anticipation hanging heavy in the air. This could be the moment, he thinks, the moment he finally lays his heart bare before you. Or perhaps he should start with something simpler, like asking you out on a date. But with every step that brings you closer to the secluded spot he has in mind, his mind races with a whirlwind of emotions, leaving him uncertain of where to begin.

Now, with the night sky stretching out above you and the soft glow of moonlight casting shadows across your face, he finds himself unable to resist the pull of desire. With a sudden surge of courage, he pins you against the wall, his gaze locked on yours with an intensity that leaves no room for doubt.

His mind races like a speeding train, thoughts colliding and scattering in all directions, leaving him grasping for a coherent sentence. “Brothers talk,” he blurts out, cursing himself inwardly the instant the words leave his lips. Jungkook’s words about you after that night echo in his mind, a bitter reminder of a conversation he never wanted to have— he didn’t like hearing his brother talk about you like that. He wishes desperately to erase those words from his memory, to banish them to the darkest corners of his mind, but they linger like a stubborn stain, impossible to scrub away.

“I know you slept with Jungkook,” he murmurs into your ear, feeling the slight tremor that runs through your body. The tension crackles between you, a silent dialogue of unspoken words and hidden desires. He prays silently that you don’t harbor any strange fascination with brothers, because if you do, you’re in for disappointment. That’s not his thing.

“And I don’t mind. I like you,” he confesses, his words tinged with a mixture of vulnerability and sincerity. Despite the discomfort of knowing about your past with his brother, he’s willing to look beyond it because his feelings for you outweigh any resentment. The image of you being reduced to a mere conquest by Jungkook leaves a bitter taste in his mouth, but he’s determined to move past it for the sake of what he feels for you.

“I like you too, Jimin,” you confess, and the weight of those words sends a surge of excitement through him. Finally, the confirmation he’s been yearning for, the green light to express what’s been building inside him for weeks. As he leans in to kiss you, anticipation electrifying the air, the door beside you swings open, and out steps his brother, wearing that infuriating grin. Damn it, Jungkook always manages to ruin the moment, the ultimate cock blocker.

You’ve been putting in long hours at the ranch alongside Yoongi, and he’s observed how effortlessly you’ve adapted to the work. He doesn’t mind the time you spend with Yoongi; after all, cultivating friendships here is important, and he’s glad to see you forming bonds in your new environment.

As he makes his way over to where you’re taming the wild horses, Jimin feels a surge of confidence coursing through him. Today feels like the right moment to finally muster the courage and ask you out on that long-awaited date.

He approaches, anticipation bubbling within him, but Jimin’s heart sinks like a stone at the sight before him. His steps falter as he witnesses your lips meeting Yoongi’s in an unexpected embrace. Shock and hurt intertwine within him, shattering the fragile hope he held of something blossoming between you both. It’s a painful echo of the moment he caught you with his brother, a wound reopened. With a heavy heart, he silently retreats, the weight of disappointment pulling him away.

Caught in the whirlwind of emotions, Jimin did notice the shock etched on your features. But confusion battles with hurt within him, a tumultuous storm raging in his heart. Was it betrayal he saw in your eyes? Or was it simply his own shattered illusions playing tricks on him? The thought gnaws at him—had you been toying with his feelings all along? 

The memory of you with his brother burns like a brand, leaving him grappling with a cocktail of emotions, unable to discern truth from illusion. 

You fucked his brother, maybe you want to fuck Yoongi too?

Though he hears your hurried footsteps behind him, he refuses to turn back, his gaze fixed on the path ahead. Anger simmers within him, intertwined with a thread of sorrow, a tumult of emotions threatening to consume him. Frustration gnaws at him — frustration at you, frustration at himself for allowing himself to fall under your spell. For he realizes now, with painful clarity, that you hold the power to shatter his heart. And he can’t bear the thought of enduring such agony. It’s a bitter realization, but he knows he must protect himself. It’s better to walk away now, before the pain deepens any further.

“Jimin!” Your voice echoes urgently behind him, but he’s already near the door, his resolve hardening with each step. Maybe he can simply shut you out, ignore whatever explanation you might offer. He doesn’t want to entertain the possibility of hearing you out, even as you grasp his arm, pleading, “Jimin, it’s not what it seems—I need to explain!”

He doesn’t want to hear it. There’s a strange ringing in his ears, drowning out your words. It’s as if his mind is adrift in a sea of chaos, overwhelmed by conflicting emotions. Anger simmers beneath the surface, a volatile brew threatening to boil over. With a clenched jaw, he turns to face you. “You kissed Yoongi.” The words cut through the deafening silence like a knife, sharp and accusatory.

“No, I didn’t! He kissed me, and I didn’t want that. It meant nothing, okay?” Your words pierce through the heavy silence, but he’s not sure if he wants to believe them. He’s built a fortress around his heart, shielding it from any more pain. Watching you with his brother was hard enough, and now this? It’s not just the kiss itself that bothers him; it’s the unsettling feeling that you might be interested in anyone but him.

Since that kiss with Yoongi, he’s been nursing a hurt that gnaws at him relentlessly. Though he’s avoided speaking to you, he’s watched from a distance. Your once vibrant spirit now wears a cloak of sadness, but in Yoongi’s presence, you light up. It’s a comfort to see you finding solace, yet a pang of envy grips him. Watching you two together twists something deep inside him, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth.

Amidst the ache in his heart, he’s found himself seeking solace in familiar connections, even replying to texts from his former physiotherapist, Deiji.

Despite the gnawing guilt, he finds himself unable to bridge the growing chasm between you. The pain of witnessing your closeness with Yoongi ignites a jealousy that eclipses all rational thought. It’s not just about liking or loving you anymore; it’s about the exhausting cycle of feeling perpetually overlooked. He’s tired of being picked last.

Perhaps that’s why he extended the invitation to Deiji, fully aware that you and Yoongi would be there. In his mind, it’s a feeble attempt to feign indifference, a facade of moving on. He’s well aware of the pettiness of his actions, yet he’s powerless against the torrent of bitterness coursing through his veins.

He catches the glimmer of sadness in your eyes as they meet his across the bar, and a pang of unease twists in his stomach, a blend of hurt and confusion. He’s at a loss to comprehend why your gaze holds such sorrow when you’re evidently entwined with Yoongi. The sight of him enveloping you, a shield against the world, ignites a storm of resentment in Jimin’s gut.

Despite being officially with Deiji, a decision he’s uncertain about and made more out of a sense of emptiness than genuine interest, Jimin finds himself questioning his own actions. He doesn’t understand why he acquiesced when she asked to make things official; perhaps it was the notion that having someone, anyone, was better than facing the void alone. But the truth is, he doesn’t harbor strong feelings for Deiji. Aware of the wrongness of the situation, Jimin feels a gnawing guilt deep within him, a sense of moral turmoil that he can’t shake off. 

And with every stolen glance in your direction, a reminder of his divided attention, he's torn between appeasing Deiji and grappling with the realization of what he truly desires.

Each day, you faithfully show up for work, your presence a constant in the familiar routine of taming the wild horses alongside Yoongi. Yet, with every shared moment you spend with him, Jimin can’t help but feel a surge of spite and jealousy coursing through him. Despite his best efforts to suppress it, the sight of you engrossed in your tasks, your laughter echoing in the stables, stirs up a tempest of conflicting emotions within him. It’s true, you appear happy, your smiles lighting up the barn, but beneath the surface, Jimin senses a lingering sadness, a hidden ache that eludes his understanding.

Even amidst the swirling chaos of his emotions, Jimin finds himself unable to muster the courage to speak to you. The turmoil within him is relentless, leaving him uncertain if he even wants to engage in conversation with you anymore. His feelings are a tangled web of confusion, rendering him utterly lost within himself. It’s as if he’s been thrown into a storm of his own making, unable to find solid ground amidst the tempest of his conflicted heart.

Even his own brother, in a rare moment of clarity, has acknowledged the messiness of the situation and urged him to confront it. Yet, Jimin finds himself grappling with the futility of such a conversation. What words could possibly bridge the chasm between you when you’re with Yoongi and he’s with Deiji? It’s a tangled web of relationships, each strand pulling them further apart with every passing moment.

Recently, Jimin has found himself consumed by jealousy, a venomous emotion that twists his thoughts and clouds his every interaction. He’s engulfed by an unrelenting anger — directed at you, at himself, at the cruel hand fate has dealt. Walking about with a perpetual scowl, he broods in silence, his gaze fixed on you with a mixture of longing and resentment. Forced to collaborate with you by Jungkook, he remains mute, the weight of unspoken words suffocating him. Jimin, once eager to engage, now fears the irreparable chasm that has formed between you, the inevitable drift driving a wedge deeper with each passing day.

For reasons unbeknownst to him, your sister insists on throwing a party to mark the cast coming off. This entails a dinner, an event Jimin dreads. The thought of facing you, knowing Yoongi will also be present, fills him with apprehension. It’s been weeks, perhaps even months, since he’s exchanged a word with either of you, and the prospect of reconnecting amidst the festivity feels daunting.

He’s been avoiding you for what feels like forever, yet here he is, standing in your house with his girlfriend, desperately trying to hide the turmoil churning inside him. It’s not a physical demise, he knows he’s being overly dramatic, but the emotional anguish feels suffocating, overwhelming every inch of his being.

He stands there, silently seething as he watches Yoongi envelope you in his arms, whispering about how much he’s missed you. Anger courses through him like a torrent, mixing with a bitter taste of something unpalatable, leaving him with a nauseating sensation, as if he could vomit at any moment.

He averts his gaze, sensing the sudden fury emanating from you, though the reason eludes him. Desperately, he attempts to divert his attention to Deiji, but it’s futile; he can’t shake the feeling of longing for you, despite the turmoil raging within him. Every glance towards you is a reminder of the pain of seeing you with Yoongi, of his own inadequacy to confront or resolve the situation. He feels trapped in a cycle of longing and self-loathing, unable to break free from the grip of his own childishness.

You glide into the charity gala, a vision of elegance and grace that steals his breath away. He shouldn’t be captivated by you, shouldn’t be allowing his gaze to linger when he should be focusing on his date. Yet, Deiji’s waning interest in him is palpable, a silent testament to the growing chasm between them. He knows their relationship is crumbling, and he can’t blame her for growing weary of his constant pining for someone else. The truth is, he was never truly invested in Deiji; she was merely a placeholder, a feeble attempt to fill the void left by your unattainability. Now, as he watches you from across the room, radiant and out of reach, he realizes the magnitude of his mistake.

Despite dancing with his girlfriend, his eyes are drawn irresistibly to you, tracing every step you take as you glide across the dance floor with Hoseok, then Yoongi. Each moment is like a dagger to his heart, yet he can’t tear his gaze away. It’s masochistic, really, subjecting himself to the exquisite agony of watching you in Yoongi’s embrace, but he’s transfixed, unable to look away.

Without warning, your expression morphs into one of raw anger, fury emanating from every pore as you stride purposefully towards him. Your voice, sharp and cutting, pierces through the music as you demand, “Why the hell are you staring at me like that?”

Startled and taken aback, his heart skips a beat as your sudden outburst catches him off guard. Beneath the surprise, a tinge of sadness tugs at his heartstrings. He realizes he shouldn’t be so transfixed on you, yet despite his best efforts, he finds himself unable to tear his gaze away.

“Shouldn’t your eyes be on your girlfriend, huh? Why the fuck do you keep gazing at me? Look at your damn girlfriend!” Your words cut through him like a knife, and the accusation stings. He feels a knot of sadness twist in his stomach, grappling with confusion as to why you've suddenly turned hostile.

“And while you’re at it, why the fuck can’t you talk to me like a normal human being?” Your voice crescendos, cutting through the air like a sharp blade. Jimin feels a pang of shame, wanting to shrink away from your justified anger. You’re hitting too close to home—he knows he should have approached you like a mature adult.

“You’re a damn coward, aren’t you? You shouldn’t be casting your eyes my way when you have a girlfriend right there!” You jab a finger in Deiji’s direction, her displeasure evident, but Jimin can’t muster any concern for her feelings. His heart thuds erratically, a tumult of emotions swirling inside him, each one adding to the chaos. He knows you’re right, and it cuts him deeper than he’d like to admit—yeah, he’s a coward.

“You fucking jerk. If you had the decency to communicate, to use your damn voice instead of making baseless assumptions, we wouldn’t be in this ridiculous situation!” You unleash your frustration at him, each word a sharp jab, and he flinches involuntarily. Deep down, he knows you’re right, but the weight of the misunderstanding presses heavily on his shoulders. He just doesn’t understand the situation. Yoongi steps in beside you, attempting to diffuse the tension, but Jimin feels his heart plummet to the floor nonetheless.

“I fucking hate you! You’re stupid. I hate you. I fucking hate you. I love you. I fucking hate you. I hate you so fucking much!” You unleash a torrent of emotions, your words cutting through the air like knives, and his eyes widen in shock. His heart races erratically, his confusion mirroring yours. Why would you confess your love for him while Yoongi stands right beside you? It’s madness, and he feels like he’s drowning in a sea of uncertainty and conflicting emotions.

“You fucking bastard. Stop looking at me like that,” you spit out, catching him off guard once more. Despite the tension, he can’t help but burst into laughter. It’s wrong, he knows, but there’s something absurdly amusing about the situation. As you glare at him, he can’t shake the thought that you look oddly cute when you’re angry.

“Stop laughing. This isn’t funny!” You stamp on the ground, your frustration palpable. Jimin feels a surge of conflicting emotions, his laughter fading as he clings to the weight of your confession. What does this mean? He longs to ask you why you’re unloading on him, but you refuse to let him get a word in edgewise.

“I don’t want to hear it! You know what? I’m done!” With a sharp spin, you pivot away, leaving Jimin in a whirlwind of confusion. Desperate to understand your sudden eruption, he reaches out, his hand grasping for an explanation amidst the chaos.

“You can stick your dick where the sun doesn’t shine!” With fire in your eyes, you unleash the words directly into his face before storming out, leaving Jimin to face the fallout of your wrath. As the tension thickens in the air, all eyes turn to him, conveying their disapproval like daggers. Even Jimin finds himself grappling with the weight of his actions, acutely aware of the discord he’s sown.

Yoongi strides up to him, his voice cutting through the tension like a blade. “You know you’re a real dick right?”

Jimin’s jaw drops, the shock of Yoongi’s words reverberating through him like a sudden bolt of lightning. Never before has he witnessed this side of Yoongi, and the revelation leaves him utterly stunned, his mind reeling with disbelief.

“Why don’t you scuttle off to your precious girlfriend?” Jimin’s words slice through the air like venom, his anger bubbling to the surface with an intensity that threatens to consume him entirely.

Yoongi scoffs incredulously, “Girlfriend?” His steps carry him closer to Jimin, his voice dripping with a mix of disbelief and frustration. “You really think she’s my girlfriend, huh? Is that what’s been fueling your jerkish behavior?”

Jimin’s lips part, ready to offer a retort, but before he can utter a word, Yoongi closes the distance between them until their breaths mingle in the charged air. “She’s not my girlfriend,” he declares, his voice low and tinged with frustration, “I’m gay, you fucking idiot.”

Jimin’s eyes widen in disbelief as Yoongi’s words hang heavy in the air. Then, as Yoongi exits, a whirlwind of emotions sweeps through Jimin’s being, leaving him teetering between confusion and a surge of unexpected elation.

But hold on, that means that all this while he thought you were together with Yoongi, you were in fact mad at him? 

Fuck.

Deiji ended things with him, and he can’t blame her. He realizes now that he wasn’t truly invested in her or the relationship. In hindsight, it’s clear that it was the right decision for both of them.

He’s made an absolute mess of things, and now he’s left with the daunting task of picking up the shattered pieces and piecing them back together again.

He realizes the first step towards redemption is owning up to his missteps and extending genuine apologies for the havoc his actions have caused.

Your expression betrays confusion when he offers to aid in the search for Mikrokosmos, yet deep down, he yearns for the chance to finally unravel the tangled threads of misunderstanding between you. He carries the weight of knowing he should have initiated this conversation long before, but he’s here now, determined to mend what’s broken and bridge the chasm that’s formed between you.

He’s overwhelmed with gratitude as you lend him your ear, and when you extend an apology for your own actions—a gesture he feels unworthy of—he’s humbled. He recognizes he was the one in the wrong, and while he does offer his apologies, he feels they fall short of expressing the depth of his remorse. He struggles to find the words to convey just how profoundly sorry he is. In your presence, he’s painfully aware of his own shortcomings, yet he’s also grateful for the stark contrast of your unwavering kindness, a stark reminder of the person he aspires to be.

As you tenderly trace the lines of his scars with reverence, he feels something inside him fracture, but it’s not pain—it’s the barriers he’s built around his heart, crumbling in the face of your genuine affection. Never before has anyone shown such care and admiration for him in this intimate way. In that moment, his heart swells with a love so profound it threatens to overflow. In your presence, he finds a sense of completeness he’s never known before. Truly, you are the embodiment of sweetness and kindness, and he’s endlessly grateful to have you in his life.

He’s acutely aware that you deserve far better than him. In your unwavering sweetness and kindness, you shine as a beacon of light in his tumultuous world. Despite the countless times he’s put you through turmoil, you continue to stand by his side, unwavering in your commitment. A part of him struggles to comprehend why someone as remarkable as you would choose to be with someone as flawed as him. He can’t shake the feeling that he doesn’t deserve a woman of your caliber.

As the blissful days turn into months and the connection between you deepens, it feels as though you’ve been together for a lifetime. It’s this profound sense of certainty that drives him to purchase a ring for you, a symbol of his unwavering devotion. From the depths of his childhood dreams, he’s always known, without a shadow of doubt, that you were the one meant for him.

Fucking hell.

Just when everything seems to be falling into place, Deiji unexpectedly resurfaces, bearing news that shatters the delicate balance of his newfound happiness—she’s pregnant. The weight of her revelation hits him like a ton of bricks, threatening to unravel the life he’s worked so hard to build. While she insists the child is his, he’s consumed by doubt, unable to find any concrete evidence to support her claim. Yet, in the midst of his turmoil, his gaze is drawn to you, and the anguish etched on your face speaks volumes. Despite the chaos swirling around him, he can’t ignore the palpable pain this situation is causing you.

He longs for the prospect of fatherhood, but the thought of having children with Deiji is a nightmare he can’t bear to entertain. If he were to embark on the journey of parenthood, he envisions it with you by his side. Yet, he’s keenly aware of your own hesitations or perhaps lack of desire for children, and he deeply respects your stance on the matter.

Damn, this just became a whole lot more complicated. But amidst the chaos, his resolve remains unwavering—he’s determined to be present for his child, and for you, no matter what. With every update Deiji shares, whether it’s pictures or ultrasounds of the baby, he makes a conscious effort to include you, recognizing the importance of keeping you informed and involved every step of the way.

However, he can’t help but notice the growing distance between you, and it’s a pain that cuts him to the core. The dilemma gnaws at him relentlessly—he’s torn between wanting to cherish both you and his impending child, yet he’s at a loss as to how to navigate the chasm that’s formed between you.

“I really think it’s best to break up,” you repeat, and he’s gripped by a suffocating sense of disbelief, as if trapped in a nightmare he desperately wishes to escape. How can you say this? The love he feels for you surges through him like a relentless tide, and the mere thought of breaking up is unbearable. Doesn’t your heart ache at the idea of leaving? Doesn’t love still reside within you?

“But I can’t bear the thought of losing you,” he pleads with a raw desperation, his heart laid bare before you. Every fiber of his being is consumed by love for you. Can’t you see? Can’t you feel the weight of his devotion?

“I know, I don’t want to lose you either. But as much as it pains me, I can’t go on like this. I need to break up,” your voice cracks, and his heart shatters into a million fragments. Both of you are unwilling to part ways, yet he's come to recognize the toll his situation with his child has taken on you, perhaps far more than he initially comprehended. Ultimately, he realizes he can't compel you to remain by his side, even as the agony of separation tears him apart.

“If that’s truly what you want,” he says, his voice strained with emotion as he struggles to form the words, “then I... I understand.” Each syllable feels like a weight upon his chest, threatening to suffocate him as he resigns himself to the heartbreaking reality of your decision.

“It is,” you confirm with a heavy finality, and in that moment, his heart shatters into a million irreparable fragments, scattered across the floor like the remnants of a shattered dream as you walk away.

Ever since you broke up, a sickness gnaws at him, but he desperately clings to the impending arrival of his child as a beacon of hope. Yet, intertwined with the anticipation is a bitter realization—he’s lost you, and it leaves a repugnant taste lingering in his mouth. He never wanted to be forced into a choice, yet it seems he inadvertently prioritized his impending fatherhood over you, a decision that fills him with self-loathing. Deep down, all he truly yearns for is to be by your side once more.

Every time his gaze falls upon you, your face is etched with profound sadness, and he’s torn between offering you the solace of space or the comfort of his presence. Though you still exchange words sporadically, the connection you once shared feels like a distant memory, a mere echo of what once was.

The ache of missing you consumes him, a relentless longing that claws at his heart. He yearns for nothing more than to be reunited with you, to reclaim the bond you once shared. But the weight of the situation crushes him under its unbearable pressure. Should he forsake his child for the chance to have you back? The mere thought is agonizing, a cruel dilemma tearing him apart at the seams. He’s trapped in a labyrinth of pain, unable to discern a way out of the turmoil engulfing him.

Fuck.

Reflecting on the myriad mistakes he’s made sends a searing pain coursing through his heart, each misstep a haunting reminder of the turmoil he’s inflicted upon you. The weight of his transgressions feels crushing, almost unbearable, yet amidst the wreckage of his past, one truth remains steadfast—you loved him, despite it all. Perhaps you still do, but the uncertainty gnaws at him like a relentless beast. Yet, in the depths of his remorse, his love for you burns bright and unwavering. He’s determined to find a way to convey his unwavering desire to win back your love, to fight for the chance to make things right and rebuild what was once lost.

That’s precisely why tears cascade down onto the paper as he pours his heart out in the letter destined for you.

Author’s note(2): Thank you so much for reading! 🌸 I would very much appreciate it if you reblogged the chapter, if you liked it ✨ A small review or a comment would also mean a lot to me, and even a like. But please, don’t be afraid to let me know what you think; your kind words makes me extremely happy 💜 Remember the Q&A that is coming in the Epilogue— if you want to send in some questions for the characters, you can do it now (and later too) → Ask the characters (or me), anything ❣️

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[rottenmemes]

the front bottoms—various lyrics sentence starters.

some lines adjusted to fit; feel free to change pronouns, proper nouns, etc. as needed

am i getting into heaven? there’s no fucking way.

i would sleep better on your floor than i ever would in my bed.

learn to accept that the things we have now are the best we've had yet.

your friends are here and they miss you, but they’ll eventually move on.

i will always think about you, ‘cause you remind me of who i am.

i’ve tried and i gave everything i had, but i just gave up.

what we have is nowhere near as good as what we should have by now.

it's okay to give up, 'cause nobody here could care less.

time is running out and i need to choose, the clock is moving faster than it used to.

they say face your fears, but i can't stop running.

i'm scared i'm gonna die as lonely as i feel.

it's okay if you're unhappy—just take a look around. there's no one here that's happy either.

the only thing that'd shut me up now is your hands around my throat.

if i tell you all my secrets, would you tell me all your lies?

i have stitched a mask of confidence and i wear it like a glove.

no one's going to listen ‘til you mean every word you say, so if you can't find the feeling, you better learn to lie—and if you know we're gonna fail, then there's little point to try.

i can't get what i need, and you're all i need.

there are certain things you ask of me, but there are certain things i lack.

you say i'm changing—sorry, i didn't know i had to stay the same.

i think you're changing, but don't worry—you don't have to stay the same.

i shouldn't feel like i have to protect you.

at my funeral, don't lie. tell them i didn’t want to die.

i understand that everybody's got their problems, but you seem to have a little more than anybody.

there are things i think we'll come to regret, and the majority of them are dealing with me.

i used to love the taste, i'd do anything for it—now i'd do anything to get the taste out of my mouth.

what about your friends? don't you love them enough to stay?

it probably won't get easier, just easier to hide—prepare for an aching the rest of your life.

i have this dream that i am hitting my dad with a baseball bat, and he is screaming and crying for help—and maybe halfway through it has more to do with me killing him than it ever did protecting myself.

i believe that, yeah, maybe no one's perfect—but i believe that you're pushing your luck.

there's no doubt in my mind that if you could, then you would try to crack my ribcage open and pull my heart right through.

i've been around long enough now to know that the good things never last.

how low is your self esteem? how low could it possibly be?

i know you're in love with me, and i've been ignoring you.

i’m alone only half of the time, and the other half, i’m only hiding.

i got miles to go 'til i ever get home, but the sound of your laugh and your voice on the phone makes me feel like i’m already there.

hey man, i love you, but no fucking way.

make sure you kiss your knuckles before you punch me in the face.

the good thing about this cast is i can still hold a knife, so if you ever twist my arm again, i'll be sure to put up a fight.

the past few months were pretty rough; a couple times i wished we both were dead.

just try to appreciate what you got while you got it, so if it ever goes away, you can say you enjoyed it while it lasted.

i don't regret it—how could i? you were the best i ever had.

i wish i could pretend to be all of the things you think you see in me.

i don’t care if you’re not sorry; i forgive you.

the farther you go from where you start, the harder it is to get back.

just because something burns bright doesn't mean it's gonna burn forever.

don't feel bad for me, because i won't feel bad for you.

when i wake up, i think of you.

it doesn't get worse, and it doesn't get better; you just get old—it lasts forever.

no one saw me the way you did, and no one's seen me that way since.

i know that no news is good news, but that’s always felt backwards.

i’m bound by love, born to obey.

you are the truth i choose to bend myself around.

a long time ago i promised that if you were happy, then i was happy.

don't take it easy on the animal—i am the animal.

sometimes things work out perfectly when there's nothing to lose.

i don't know where i am, but i've been here before.

i'm sorry for your loss, there's not much i can do.

i could see myself dying for you.

we're both trying, you gotta give us that.

why don't you put your boxing gloves on and punch your punching bag, get some of this rage out you have deep inside of you—you’ll feel better, that's the point.

there was resentment built up that was never expressed properly.

you seem to see through whatever it is about me that's trying to be tough.

this is the fear i was born into, it somehow still affects me today.

it may or may not seem like you're leaving me behind, and it may or may not be always on my mind.

i don’t wanna put a curse on myself—i don’t wanna put a curse on you either.

you don't have to try so hard to not see me around.

the more you give, the worse it gets.

i wanna be good to the people that i love—i want them to think of me as someone that they can trust.

i wanna settle down—i want you to settle down with me.

[yuikomorii]

Hey Admin, I read your Reiji opinion and I was wondering if you’d like telling us about Subaru too? He’s my best boy and it’s been a while since I’ve read something about him. I’m not forcing you tho, you can answer it just if you want. Have a great day, bye!^^

// Subaru is definitely in my top 5 Diaboys! He’s precisely on the 4th place and he would have been on the 3rd one if only he didn’t “fight” with Laito for that spot, who keeps winning me over every time I hear his voice. :”)

I appreciate how he may appear frightening and rude, yet he has a really kind heart and he's simply so pure when he talks about his interests! The only thing that bothers me about him is that he almost never acts when someone is in danger unless he is personally involved in the situation, but I can't entirely blame him because he is most likely terrified, so he minds his own business. That may not be particularly heroic of him, but it doesn't make him a bad person anyway.

Aside from that, it’s not his fault here but I’m convinced the writers have something against him because his routes are all less entertaining compared to the rest. Don’t get me wrong, I loved him in HDB, he hit different there and I understand that he can’t suddenly start being confident with the power of love, however it’s such a turn off how all his main game routes revolve around him feeling unloved, insecure and thinking that everyone hates him when it was proved IN EVERY ROUTE that everyone actually CARES about him and IS there for him. It’s like everything starts all over again for what?

I feel bad for Subaru but I also feel bad for Yui for having to reassure him each and every time that he matters, he’s beautiful, he’s not like his father, everyone loves him and so on. He’s really likeable to me but they sometimes do him way too dirty. ;w;

And don’t even get me started on why Christa was even included in his DF route. She seemed more normal in MB, whereas in DF she was straight up crazy and it didn’t even give her a proper redemption arc like they did with Cordelia.

Moreover, whoever wrote LE had beef with Subaru and you can’t tell me otherwise. Not only did the writer make him try to romance Yui in Kou’s route, which resulted in him being slapped by her —I mean, I understand Yui’s reaction because she loved Kou there, but it's still a trashy situation— but on top of getting rejected, he also, as far as I recall, accidently ended off his own mother?? 😭😭

Last but not least, I’m pretty sure every time Seiji appeared in LE in his brothers’ routes, Yui was like “Idc father, I’m siding with my man” on the spot but when it came to Subaru’s route, she actually debated which one to choose between him and her dad——? It’s obvious that Subaru is extremely dependent on her and he got such a low self-esteem, so why would you pull that on him out of all characters? It’s even worse when you remember his brute ending… (ಢ_ಢ)

I tried to make this quite detailed, keeping in mind that you stated missing reading something about him. As for my final thoughts, I doubt they'll make a new game, but if they do, I truly hope they will develop his character and his relationships with Yui, Kou, and his brothers better. Nonetheless, his tsuntsun side is adorable, and he's generally chill (well… when not enraged, lol). Bonus points for liking animals; I recall him telling the MMV cat, "Don't leave my side," which may sound dramatic, but l found that sweet~! xD

[t4lon]

I'm very conflicted.

We were recently diagnosed with DID, but this was not a new discovery for us. We have been operating under the partial assumption that we have the disorder for exactly a decade this year.

I say partial because it genuinely never stuck. The nature of our trauma and resulting anxiety prevented us from seeking any sort of mental health treatment, in any capacity, which as you can imagine, precludes any hope of diagnosis. So, from the age of 14 onward, we existed in this strange in-between state, where we gained and lost insight at different times. We lack self confidence, and though we supported the right of others to self diagnose, we (particularly Moira and myself) believed it would be silly to think any of our research could possibly be adequate. DID is a heavy diagnosis, and it's very hard to feel justified in claiming the label.

We tried many different methods to be okay with existing as more than one; and this is why the existence of endogenic systems was NECESSARY for our mental health. As someone who absolutely could not get diagnosed due to abject fear, and whose low self esteem and lack of expertise prevented them from trusting their own judgment, the idea that there are people who just allow themselves to exist without needing professional validation seemed like the only way forward for us.

Ultimately, I still think it is. I would not be this far along in my personal journey without the existence of the wider plural community, and though the rest of our system does not share my personal anti-psychiatry sentiments, it has been extremely important for them as well.

But it hasn't worked yet, and this feels a little bit like a failure on our part.

We finally hit a breaking point fairly recently, and found a therapist who then quite promptly diagnosed us. Since then, it's been night and day. Alters are more active, we switch more frequently, we are capable of leaving the house on short notice (and at all!). Our social anxiety has largely vanished, at least for the time being. It's like waking up after ten straight years of a depressive haze dominated by our repressive persecutor-host, and she is finally getting the rest she needed.

But really, after all that? The journey to self discovery, the repeated attempts to convince ourselves that we CAN just choose to be this way, that we can just act the way we naturally wish that we could... the only thing that could break through the wall was still to validate it through the framework we were trying to escape.

We tried so, so hard to truly believe that it would be okay for us to just be, but it just... didn't work. We still needed a therapist to tell us it was okay, that we really are the way we think we are, and that it is healthy to embrace. And it didn't matter how many peers also told us this; we needed a professional. We just did not believe anyone else, even though we desperately wanted to AND deeply respected their journeys and experiences.

This isn't really meant to be a Sad Post or anything, I mostly just think we have a lot more work to do. We were deeply damaged by things like fakedisordercringe AND many anti-endogenic sentiments in online system communities, and it is not nearly as easy to shake the self hatred and doubt as I'd hoped.

I do, to some extent, resent the fact that we ultimately felt that we needed someone to give us permission to exist. But. Well. We do certainly feel like we are allowed to exist, now. Perhaps even a bit vindicated.

Strange.

[crystallinestars]

FR I feel that if you tossed the Genshin guys into a romance sim, it would actually be pretty legit-looking. Now if only there were some sort of actual Genshin otome game 😭 (if I could romance Kaveh in such a game, I think I would die and go to heaven)

Yeahhh I feel that there is such a pattern among male and female characters. Like for female characters, I guess that the ones who are kind of more… “male-gazey” are less likely to be popular with women? Like in terms of both appearance and personality. Though even this is difficult to define. Ladies like Beidou and Dehya seem to be REALLY popular with girls, at least in the west (if I am wrong tho plz correct me). Even Navia (whose design I suppose shows a lot of skin) seems to be well-liked by guys and girls alike, I follow a girl on here who is absolutely crazy for her (and tbh I am no different 😭). To me I guess that for these three, they’re good role models for girls so that contributes to their appeal to women players? Cos they have strong, confident attitudes and kick hella ass, but they’re also kind + beautiful… so I suppose they’re like, people you could admire on an aesthetic and personal level but also you could aspire to be like them.

To be fair I like Lisa as I remember running around as her a lot when I first started playing (and chatting with her cai bot gets wild sometimes cos she’s always calling me out for like low self esteem, bad mentality, etc 😭😭), in general I like all of the girl characters ahahahah though for Lisa and many others I could def see how they’d have more appeal to guys.

And for guy characters, I’ve seen guy players admire Diluc and Alhaitham ! Like they have a sort of “masculine” appeal, aspirational for guys I think. I’ve even seen some guys on the Alhaitham subreddit start to hit the gym to become buff like him 😮 Sorry for digressing so much with this topic ahahah just that it is very interesting to consider.

My BF has been fueling my Kaveh love AHAHAHA like when I’m using his computer he lets me run around as Kaveh as I haven’t been able to pull for him yet. Now I have much more Kaveh merch than before but I think that I will try to amass even more…

Ooooo that makes sense, yeah cons do get pretty crowded esp in the areas like the artist alley where people are crowding around booths. And maybe it’s for the best that you avoid cons cos (TMI in advance) the con stink is REAL 😭🤢🤮 Though some of them apparently distribute deodorant or soap for attendees, hopefully it alleviates the smell…

Yeahhh Touhou is hella old, like the franchise is older than I am (I was born shortly before the first windows OS game in the series came out 🫡). I know that ZUN is still producing new official games about every 2-3 years, and for merch I see that there are fumo plushies for the newer characters coming out, a pleasant surprise. But I think the barrier of entry is much higher due to the nature of the games so it’s less “mainstream” for young people compared to Genshin, as Genshin you could easily download if you have phone, iPad, non-mac computer, etc. But from what I’ve seen, you could encounter stuff of the most popular characters at cons if you keep your eyes peeled.

On the topic of merch (crazy complaint incoming!!!)… so I posted a pic of my Kaveh haul somewhere and someone made a comment alluding to that ship. This was the first thing I saw this morning, and OMG I was so irritated that I straight up blocked this person 😭 Sadly I can’t remove their comment (this would be more ideal). I guess this is rather extreme reaction as the comment was harmless… though in the description I literally put some unhinged stuff about “oh me and Kaveh are gonna get married” so I was wondering how they did not get the hint that “oh, this person doesn’t care for that ship.” I am bewildered that the shippers are everywhere, feels bad cos in the community I’m in, most of them are so so sweet but majority of them are also shippers of that ship.

Like when I see an arbitrary pic of [any Genshin guy] or Aventurine, I don’t go “ooooh la la Lumine’s gonna get that” or “hehe Stelle or Topaz is gonna enjoy this” respectively… ofc this is first world “problem” but still… they tether Kaveh to feeble scholar so much 😭

Also I was on a small yumejoshi community and I found a girl who is also Kaveh enjoyer, and who also feels uncomfy with the shippy stuff. It was a pleasant surprise that there are other Kaveh likers with a similar POV to us, since from my observation I see that many of them like that one ship along with him.

This got so long and convoluted, I hope it is not difficult to read !!! It does not help that I am currently running on some 3 hours of sleep and a can of green tea (it has no effect on me). If there is anything that needs to be clarified plz let me know !

-🍓

Genshin girls in general are quite good, both on a design and personality level. Many of them are popular with women because, as you said, they look pretty while being badass. It also helps that the writing for female characters has improved significantly over the years, making them more fleshed out and complex.

I didn’t like Lisa’s flirtatious attitude at the start, but I have grown to love her a lot, and got excited whenever she appeared in events. I wish there was more of her, tbh. Navia is also my favorite Fontaine character overall! I saved for her so much.

I adore most of the Genshin ladies, actually. The only ones I dislike are Ei and Yae Miko.

Yeah, I think the cool and stoic type of male characters are more popular with guys. And I remember seeing that one guy on the Alhaitham sub! I wonder if he reached his goal?

I… never even thought about how stuffy and smelly cons would be. Lord, that makes me want to go even less. Ew 😣

I looked up when the first Touhou game came out, and it seems like it released the year I was born. So yeah, the franchise is hella old… But I thinks it’s nice that it still has fans even to this day. Even if it’s become harder to find fan content of it 😔

I’m so sorry you had to wake up to a comment alluding to That One Ship, especially since you simply wanted to share something you enjoy. The way a lot of shippers post obnoxious ship comments under art depicting a solo character is a serious problem. It’s very annoying to constantly be reminded of a ship you dislike, plus ruins the enjoyment you could have derived from the post itself. For whatever reason, I only see it happen for m/m and f/f ships.

It’s not wrong of you to block the person. If they make you uncomfortable, then the best thing to do is quietly block them. The Japanese and Chinese fandom communities often recommend to others to block liberally so they can create a safe space for themselves online and not see things they dislike. It’s all about protecting your mental health and having a comfortable space.

I am also sorry to say that a lot of people don’t check bios, or simply don’t care about your boundaries. Once, I had a few shippers of that ship follow me on Twitter despite my bio saying for fans of that ship to not follow me. Even after I made a tweet saying I’m uncomfortable with such individuals following me, one of them left a like and continued to follow me 😐 They knew but disrespected my boundaries, so I removed them.

It might seem harsh to block or remove people over ship differences, but in our modern era of toxic ship discourse and harassment, I don’t blame anyone for feeling triggered by certain ships or their fans. It’s much better to block a stranger online than subject yourself to psychological torture. The other person will forget about it in time, if they ever even find out you blocked them at all.

lol trust me when I say there are a much bigger number of Kaveh-lovers in the yume community who also don’t like his ship with a certain Scribe! I’m friends with a few of them. In fact, my entire social media circle is of Kaveh fans who like him exclusively with girls.

I feel like the Japanese and Chinese yume communities are better on that front compared to the English yume community. I try to stay away from English communities in general…

Sorry that my response also got so long. I hope you can get more than 3 hours of sleep tonight! The weekend is almost here, so here’s to hoping you can sleep in!

[bibibbb99]

Traits/personalities in a partner that turn genshin men off (Kaeya, Scaramouche, Albedo)

I hit my head today and suddenly stopped being an art tumblr for a solid moment.

Disclaimer:

Somebody probably did this already, but I want to give my own input (if some information is similar to another person, just know I did not copy or reference them)

Just my opinion, you’re allowed to have your own take on this.

Also some of these traits can turn off multiple characters as well as the ones I have yet to write for.

I am not good at spelling or grammar or proof reading, so please excuse me.

If anything I said offended anyone, please tell me so I will not repeat the same mistake twice

Having some of these traits is not an issue (such as low self esteem bc, same), but excessiveness is not good bc y’all great and amazing and somebody must tell you how awesome you are. 

Kaeya:

Overtly low self esteem (especially if you’re very vocal about it too)

Pessimistic

Mentally weak

Why I think so:

Kaeya technically do not have a single solid support beside him that he can fully trust and rely on, as his relationship with diluc is strained and he has always been putting up a front to the knights of favonius

A strong pillar where he can be openly vulnerable and fully honest will make him feel safer and stable in Mondstadt

Someone who openly deject themselves constantly in front of him, will reinforce his belief that you are inadequate in reassuring and protecting him from his own fears and insecurities (even if you’re abilities and strengths are actually greater than what you say you are. The important thing is that you are continuously enforcing the fact you’re inadequate due to low self esteem, which may perpetuate Kaeya’s own low self esteem and actually make him believe you are weak)

Kaeya will probably be forced to also put a mask of confidence he has as Calvary captain towards you, to balance out the relationship. He can only perform so long before this relationship deteriorates and he gets exhausted of standing on this stage of pretence publicly and privately.

Scaramouche:

Brutal and insensitive honesty

Lack of attention to detail/not reading between the lines

Self absorbed

Why I think so:

Some of these are kind of self explanatory lmao

Scaramouche is also another character who is deeply insecure and fears abandonment

His prickly and arrogant personality is a testament to those vulnerabilities

If you frankly comment on something mildly embarrassing he did, an error he happen to make, or maybe something wrong he said, he’ll be pissed off. As that means you clearly see him as an imperfect and flawed partner.

Openly commenting on his flaws with brutal honesty also shows that you don’t care about his extremely delicate dignity and self esteem he tried so hard to protect (basically he thinks you don’t respect him in anyway, in terms of his effort in building this strong facade)

Scaramouche is subtle with his words, mannerisms and affection, there’s a lot of reading between the lines and guessing his true intentions when pursuing a relationship with him.

If you don’t attempt to look at his underlying motives and desires, the relationship will probably progress frustratingly slow or not happen at all. He wants something but he doesn’t want to openly say it, it hurts his pride. He will not relent and admit his true thoughts and feelings, so a perceptive and understanding partner would be much appreciated.

The last one is kind of obvious but Scaramouche wants to be adored and cared for, given his history of isolation and rejection. It’ll bring him so much joy if his partner is caring and attentive to his feelings and wants. A selfish and inconsiderate partner will never be up his alley, after all it is just a repeat of his past and he doesn’t want any more pain and misery.

Albedo:

Lack of a passion or hobby

Unwillingness to try new things/lack of curiosity

Do not appreciate beauty of surroundings

Extremely bad temper/quick to anger 

Why I think so:

Another self explanatory one I’m sorry

It is canon Albedo is extremely passionate about the things he is interested in, and loses attention if he do not care for it.

A partner who do not have their own hobbies, passions or quirks won’t interest him at all, as he has nothing new to learn from you, and you do not motivate him in any way or form.

There really won’t be much conversation if the partner is not an eager learner, as Albedo can talk on and on about things he is interested in (and that’s how you get to know him), if you don’t ask, he won’t exactly say much either.

Albedo is an artist and I can assume he appreciates the beauty or interesting aspects of his environment, if his partner show an absence of curiosity or an eye for beauty for the mundane, or actually peculiar things in the environment, he would be… bored. He may even be frustrated you do not understand or appreciate the things he care about at that time. He wants to share all his joys and happiness with his significant other, but what is the point if his partner do not care for it?

Lastly, I think someone with a bad temper/quick to aggregate will turn him off. Albedo is used to looking after children, to him, only children succumb to such volatile emotions. If you start throwing a fit over small things, he will probably look at you blankly and begin to see you as childish for throwing a tantrum. Nobody wants to date a child, that’s illegal lmao.

[glenngaylord]

Bloody Good - Film Review: Bottoms: ★★★★

For me, anything remotely socially redeeming has always felt like the death knell for comedies. Whenever Hollywood has a lesson to teach me, I would prefer to skip school, thank you very much. I like my teenage movie heroes dazed, confused, and taking days off if they want to make me laugh. Well thank goodness Emma Seligman and Rachel Sennott got the memo, because their new film, Bottoms, aims gorgeously, deliriously, perfectly low and hits a bullseye. Think Porky’s meets Fight Club only with horny lesbians lusting through those shower peepholes and kicking serious ass. Oh, and did I mention, it’s hilarious?

Seligman’s feature debut, Shiva Baby, which starred Sennott, skillfully showcased their abilities to sustain a claustrophobic, nervous energy over its 77 minute runtime. Working together again, this time co-writing the screenplay, they’ve tackled a completely different tone, opting for an over-the-top sensibility yet with two very grounded characters at the center of it all. PJ (Sennott) and Josie (The Bear standout Ayo Edebiri) play two outcast high school seniors who start an all-female fight club as a front for losing their virginity to a pair of hot cheerleaders. They also want to improve their station at school. Improving things with violence! What could go wrong?!

PJ’s messy, a bit of a braggart, overly confident, and let’s face it, kind of an asshole, while Josie stays crushingly in a low self-esteem deadpan space. Sennott and Edebiri, who in real life, along with Seligman, met in college, have such a vivid chemistry, they make this outrageous premise feel strangely purposeful and with real emotional stakes. That’s no easy feat when the film is so completely bonkers.

Imagine a high school in which the football players wear their uniforms to class, or that has a P.A. system blaring humiliations no Board Of Education would ever allow. Into this fray we have our heroines who concoct a fake murderous backstory. They claim they did time in juvenile hall in order to lead their self-defense workshops and enlist a teacher, Mr G. (the scene-stealing Marshawn Lynch) to barely serve as an adult supervisor. Next they invite as many girls as they can for some truly bloody hand-to-hand combat, roping in their true targets, Brittany (Kaia Gerber) for PJ and Isabel (Havana Rose Liu) for Josie. The latter has an on again/off again relationship with the horribly douchey quarterback Jeff (Red, White & Royal Blue breakout star Nicholas Galitzine), but it’s not a stretch to see that Josie’s the better choice. Galitzine is a comic wonder in the role, leaping off the screen, using his elastic facial expression and loose body language to create a sensational villain. This actor has quite a range. Same goes for Miles Fowler as his overly protective BFF Tim. They’re two of the gayest straight characters I’ve seen onscreen in a long time, perhaps a nod to the gay football players from Heathers. Out SNL regular Punkie Johnson also contributes a funny scene about the insane lore of the rival football team. Ruby Cruz and Summer Joy Campbell also shine as standout members of the fight club with emotions dangerously close to the surface.

Seligman and Sennott pile on so many details about past traumas, who’s lusting after who, player allergies, and opposing team threats that it’s easy to dismiss the film as sheer nonsense. To that I say, it proudly wears that on its blood-soaked sleeves. This remains especially true during the insane third act when the filmmakers go for broke and attempt South Park levels of violence and conflict. Our main characters learn absolutely nothing, or at least kick that can down the road for another day. Their reaction to all that has come before, in fact, that usual moment in most films where someone learns a valuable lesson, earned the biggest spit-take laugh from me. Seligman has outdone herself for her sophomore effort going from twitchy indie to a comedy I’ll be watching over and over again for years to come. Likewise, Sennott and Edebiri make for a powerhouse comedy team because you want to lean in and eavesdrop while simultaneously shielding your eyes from their oh-so-wrongdoings. Give these bottoms all the power.

[thecosmicangel]

🔮Libra the next 2-3 months predictions & messages part 1🔮

⭐️Breaking contracts ,Controlling , restricting limiting relationships, & emotional patters

⭐️ making new plans

⭐️Boost of Passion , drive, creativity

⭐️Discovering your limitless potential

⭐️Receiving clarity , emotional creative blocks are being removed

⭐️Becoming aware of your potential new energy comes when you follow inner guidance towards success

⭐️Something you have decided to act on is about to hit it off and start forward momentum

⭐️A new business or project is beginning to work and you are seeing positive progress

⭐️A new beginning full of optimism, creativity , fun , joy after a period of healing and being in a low mental state or energy

⭐️If you felt misaligned or not in alignment with your higher self you are about to receive signs or be pushed to move into alignment

⭐️If you were feeling unsafe or unstable in your life this feeling is about to change , you will begin to feel comfortable and confident again

⭐️Work on your self esteem , confidence and root chakra - you need attention and healing work on your foundation- stability - structure - boundaries- inner child- discipline. You can possibly be having fears of losing your safety and security or having family

⭐️problems or just tension around family or home life.

⭐️Know that any problems at home are being resolved and you will be experiencing sunnier days at home

⭐️your home life or energy at home has been clouded by stagnant energy could be beneficial to take a walk or take some time outdoors to bringhten your mood or help you receive clarity ,

⭐️cleanse & protect your space

⭐️Reaarrenge you furniture , deep clean your home , or just spice up your home and decorate , paint a wall or add small changes around home or room for a creativity boost and physical change can help your get out of stagnancy or laziness. Find ways to help you be more creative & connect with your inner child , have some fun and stop taking life so seriously it’s not that serious!

⭐️Find balance once you get your groove back, try not to lose you routine or new burst of energy. Continue this forward movement towards but go at a pace you are comfortable with, remember that everyone is on different clocks you don’t gotta be on everyone else’s timing. You aren’t losing out on anything or too far behind in life you are right where you need to be.

If you would like a more personal reading, I am now offering $15 readings for the month of July . Dm me for more info or follow my IG.

Follow me on IG

@_thecosmicangel

Tip Me 🤑

Cash app: $ZmAria777

Disclaimer! Take what resonates and leave what doesn’t.

⚠️This is not to be taken as professional medical or legal advice always consult a professional for advice or help.

[lavender-haneul]

It's his birthday! A new beginning, new everything. Just want to start by expressing how much this man means to me. 'Twas 2018 when I came across Bangtan and it's been 4 years ever since, I wouldn't say that these years have been the easiest but their music has really, really helped me push through so many of my struggles and I honestly, really wouldn't have it any other way. They brought peace and happiness into my life and they still do. But, I just want to take this moment today to highlight how much Yoongi actually means to me.

Started from scratch, made himself who he is today, not just the way he appears to the world but who he is as a person as well. He has made it, he really has. And even though nobody can ever be flawless and perfect, he has always tried to be the best version of himself. As he has always said "You were born to be real, not to be perfect." Fame didn't change him and that's what makes him so different as an artist.

He inspires me so much, his work, his personality, his whole being. I love how he's never afraid to be who he is, and he's one of the major reasons why I'm confident or have moments where I can appreciate myself. Though, I don't know him personally, haven't met him, just looking at him makes my day better and it cheers me up. He's astoundingly gorgeous inside and out.

He is an Angel in Disguise.

His music touches my soul and those lyrics hit different. Every single song that he's worked hard for, have instilled indescribable emotions in me and I feel connected to him through this string of music. This bond that got formed because of Music.

He is someone that has really made an impact on my life and has contributed to the improvisations in my inner self. Those days of self-conflicts, low self-esteem, and sorrow turned into hope because of him and I really want to present this message as a token of gratitude to him.

I love you so much, Min. I really do, and even though I might not be able to tell you that directly, my feelings towards you are never going to change, thank you for always making me feel as though I'm good enough, and just enough and I am who I need to be. Thank you for teaching me the unwantedness of external validation and the baselessness of it all. You have enlightened me and made me attain Nirvana.

And lastly, thank you so much for making my life devoid of this monochrome, thank you so much for filling it with infinite different shades of serene and beautiful colours. I love you, happy birthday honey~ 💖💎✨

[yenafmd]

crowned plot call.

i don’t have to tell anyone my activity has been abysmal lately, sorry about that homies, but i’m dedicated to get my shit back on track and as i’m very low on threads and the new crowned block is about to begin this is as good a time as ever to get some stuff going? below the cut i’ll leave a rundown of what yena is more or less up to this block but pls let it know im open to other ideas as well. if not interested in crowned plots specifically, feel free to just let me know and we can also plot some normal stuff out, i really need to get back into stuff. either way just hit me up in ims/on d*sc*rd (which, if u don’t have my discord don’t hesitate to ask!) or just like this post and i will hit u up to work smth out instead!

calypso ranking second and getting the most votes from other groups? anyway yena’s insecure era is over now x yikes her low self esteem was so embarassing she will now pretend that never happened! she’s a hot bitch and calypso are on top of the world!

she’s def a little bit in disbelief/star struck after the ranking annoucement but on camera’s she will like completely shove that down so i’d love like a situation where idk she’s talking to someone right after the ranking and is all in awe and then a camera man comes over to film their convo and she makes a 180 like aha i always knew it, full confident queen hours and her conversational partner has to deal w that emotional whiplash 

iiiif any selene members want i’d love to have like a conversation between yena and a selene member right after the ranking cuz tbh she rlly is Desperate for their approval this round, like hey pls tell yena calypso did well <3

for the little vacation trip thing, polaris/calypso members i’d love to do some house of diamonds chillings, this can go like Any direction, kinda depends on who yena is spending time with

for any non house of diamonds members, yena villain era where she kicks u out of a practice room to use it instead, she doesn’t Mean it personally but she also won’t be Super Sweet abt it yk 

some threads at the bbq party could always be fun! these could also be ab most anything but its a fun opportunity to spend some time together

the song guessing game on the 27th yena will be Comically bad at that could be a fun opportunity, she won’t be playing seriously anyway, but yeah an opportunity for some Laughs

if any ultraviolet members would wanna thread for the one night they’re in the house of diamonds that could be lovely too!

the finale also just, gives a bunch of opportunities, really dependent on the other party involved as well but as a general vibe, yena is feeling pretty damn good? calypso has done well so far and that’s more than she expected, plus, she really likes whistle as a song so yeah, all around she’s good vibes (still a bit nervous but compared to the last rounds it’s not all that much)

but again, i’m open to p much anything so if you have an idea you think yena might work for! do let me know!

[prosperingwithgary]

3 Little Words That Can Change Your Life...

...Or the life of someone you love.

85% of people suffer from low self-esteem, lack of confidence, or just a general feeling of not being “good enough.” That's 17 out of 20 people who are afflicted with enough self-doubt to make success difficult and life hard.

It starts in childhood: Something is said that makes you feel inferior. Or you interpret something to mean that you are somehow “less than others.” You replay it in your mind until it becomes a fixed groove. It's winding deeply through everything you think and everything you do. Low self-esteem and lack of confidence affect your life on every level. But so does finally learning - deep down inside where it counts - to really, truly, finally love yourself.

It's transformative and It's simple.

But it takes lots and lots of practice to overwrite all of that bad programming you've endured in the past. I recently discovered a Kindle book that can totally change the way a person thinks about him or herself. The author hit rock bottom. He was sick of the misery and the pain.

Something has to change and this you can do.

So he got out of bed, staggered to the desk and wrote the following in his notebook: “This day, I vow to myself to love myself, to treat myself as someone I love truly and deeply – in my thoughts, my actions, the choices I make, the experiences I have, each moment I am conscious, I make the decision I LOVE MYSELF.” After that moment he began telling himself, “I love myself.” He said it when he woke up, throughout his day and when he went to bed. He said it like a mantra in his head, over and over again. Things gradually changed for him. His body healed. His life got better. Fantastic things started to happen to him. And through it all, he kept repeating to himself, “I love myself, I love myself, I love myself, I love myself.”

Even if you don't think you will benefit, consider trying it anyway.

You don't have to believe it, you just have to say it over and over again to yourself. It's a practice. You won't see a miracle on the first day, but you will begin to notice subtle changes in the way you feel and the way you view your business, your connections, and your life. Despite being a quick read, “Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It” by Kamal Ravikant has much more to offer than I can write here. I highly encourage you to get it, read it, and let it be a reminder to love yourself and those around you more every day. Do you like podcast interviews? You can do your own podcast interview. Check it out here. Maybe you are looking for startup funding for that new business. or expansion. With a soft pull credit check that won't affect your score, you can find out today by clicking here 7 Figures Funding Read the full article

[grabyourluck-blog]

3 Little Words That Can Change Your Life...

New Post has been published on https://www.referral-master.com/3-little-words-that-can-change-your-life/

3 Little Words That Can Change Your Life...

…Or the life of someone you love.

85% of people suffer from low self-esteem, lack of confidence, or just a general feeling of not being “good enough.” That’s 17 out of 20 people who are afflicted with enough self-doubt to make success difficult and life hard.

It starts in childhood: Something is said that makes you feel inferior, or you interpret something to mean that you are somehow “less than.” You replay it in your mind until it becomes a fixed grove winding deeply throughout everything you think and everything you do.

Low self esteem and lack of confidence affects your life on every level. But so does finally learning – deep down inside where it counts – to really, truly, finally love yourself. It’s transformative. It’s simple. But it takes lots and lots of practice to overwrite all of that bad programming you’ve endured in the past.

I recently discovered a Kindle book that can totally change the way a person thinks about him or herself. The author hit rock bottom. He was sick of the misery and the pain.

So he got out of bed, staggered to the desk and wrote the following in his notebook:

“This day, I vow to myself to love myself, to treat myself as someone I love truly and deeply – in my thoughts, my actions, the choices I make, the experiences I have, each moment I am conscious, I make the decision I LOVE MYSELF.”

After that moment he began telling himself, “I love myself.” He said it when he woke up, throughout his day and when he went to bed. He said it like a mantra in his head, over and over again.

Things gradually changed for him. His body healed. His life got better. Fantastic things started to happen for him. And through it all, he kept repeating to himself, “I love myself, I love myself, I love myself, I love myself.”

Even if you don’t think this will benefit you, please consider trying it anyway.

You don’t have to believe it, you just have to say it over and over again to yourself. It’s a practice. You won’t see a miracle the first day, but you will begin to notice subtle changes in the way you feel and the way you view your business, your connections and your life.

Despite being a quick read, “Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It” by Kamal Ravikant has much more to offer than I can write here. I highly encourage you to get it, read it and let it be a reminder to love yourself and those around you more every day.

[cinnayanny]

Pop'n Music Phantom Thief AU!!

Woah!! Pog!! A new bad AU from Cinna! The synposis for this one is: Kaorin has a really cool friend group and gets into phantom thieves. This coincides with ~bad things~ (Shadows) invading Pop'n World. Anyways now Kaorin and her gang must Kick Ass. Also later they overcome flaws and get Animas.

Basic character things:

Kaorin, Kokona, Miyu, and Retsu make up the four protagonists

Ryusei and Suisei have their own thing going on

MZD is here. He gets important later.

Marin and Ayumu are here for laughs. The duo of clowns, they are.

Rasis, Shoko, Timer, Nia, Toa, and Meteor all have their little group thing

Time to spoil my own AU!! Character bios!

Kaorin

The main character who owns a diary. Obsessed with love, MZD gave her a pair of binoculars that allow her to see true love. Recently got into phantom thieves and became the “Phantom Thief of Love and Hearts”. Excitable and peppy, she looks for someone to become her true companion. Unfortunately, she hasn’t realised that a “true companion” isn’t exclusive to romance, and can apply to friends. Goal-oriented to the point where it can be an annoyance.

In action, she is an excellent planner and can draft somebody’s room after a single look. Good at stealth, as she’s so unassuming and casual that people don’t pay attention.

Her Anime is Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love. This is using a negative interpretation of the goddess, even if it fits with Kaorin. Her unique power is to cause two victims to become obsessive over each other, which is relatively unpredictable. It usually causes the two affected to turn on previous allies.

Kokona Shinonome

A very shy girl with an older sister. Part of an idol duo called “CocoNatsu”, with her sister. Keeps a tablet on her to communicate with people, as she is only confident while on stage. Slightly short-sighted, so she wears glasses. Has low self-esteem, so she goes along with whatever Natsushi and Kaorin plan. Very docile, cutesy, and silent. Despite how cute she is, her low self-esteem causes her to isolate herself from those she considers friends.

She met Kaorin when the latter attended one of her concerts, then glomped her afterwards. Got wrapped up in Kaorin’s phantom thieving, and ended up becoming the “Phantom Thief of Song and Beauty”, much to her embarrassment.

In action, she is the distractor. Teams up with Nia and Toa on missions, and uses her voice and looks to make sure everything goes smoothly.

Her Anima is Oizys, the Greek goddess of misery. This is meant to represent the fact that living without confidence is miserable, depressing, and it ends up as a malevolent force in your life. Her unique power is to create an impenetrable bubble that captures a specific amount of foes, isolating them from the fight.

Miyu

A girl who lives every minute like a dream. Adores Hiumi to the point of obsession, and hates Retsu in particular. Her hatred of Retsu is because she’s jealous of the fact that he’s special. Otherwise, she’s very cheery and is talented at making sweets. Has a yellow, heart-shaped lapis that inflicts a state of thoughtlessness on her foes. Somehow, she never lost it in Lapistoria.

She met Kaorin in her cooking class when they were paired together to bake a cake. They ended up getting the best grades on that assignment, and became quick friends. When Kaorin hit the phantom thief phase, Miyu became the “Phantom Thief of Sweets and Dreams”.

In action, she has the axe. They let her run buck wild with Retsu and they perform the majority of the killing.

Her Anima is Enbizaka, the name of the town from The Tailor of Enbizaka. Do note we are only using what the song tells us, not the novel of Evillious Chronicles. Enbizaka represents Miyu’s envy towards those who know Hiumi on a personal level, and her wish to be special. It is born from her lapis, and thus has the powers of the lapis. Her power unique to the Anima is to spark envy into victims, causing them to turn on their allies.

Retsu

A hotheaded, heroic boy. When the shadows began invading, he regained his lapis. Instead of using it, he sacrificed it to save Nia. Bases his self-worth on how “heroic” he thinks he is. Acts of heroism include being good at fighting games, having good pyrokinetic skills, and nothing else. Has been feeling slightly worthless recently, and slightly regrets sacrificing his lapis. Despises the part of him that regrets sacrificing the lapis. He is rather blind to the fact that he is great at cheering people up, and causing others to have revelations. Overtly reckless and optimistic.

He met Kaorin during the events of Lapistoria, as they became classmates. They only became close after the escape from Lapistoria. When Kaorin hit the phantom thief phase, Retsu made himself the title of “Phantom Thief of Fire and Heros!” and nobody has corrected the spelling mistake.

In action, Retsu has the fire. Runs around with Miyu, and destroys the evidence of the shadow corpses by torching them to ash.

His Anima is Palladium, an object that was regarded as a bringer of safety. It represents how easily his justice is shaken, or broken, and the fact that there’s a personal goal for it, making it “tainted'' in a sense. It is born from his drained lapis, meaning it is significantly less powerful than most. Retsu’s own power, however, makes up for its weakness. His unique power is to shatter the victim, which lowers their speed, accuracy, damage output, and defence.

Suisei Laura

A hot-headed, hime-sama type girl who has a rivalry with Ryusei. Comes from a rich family, and thus becomes the group wallet. Very arrogant, and goal-oriented. Gets along well enough with everyone, but her aggressiveness around Ryusei is a bit too much for everyone. Causes quite a bit of conflict before she gets over it.

She met Kaorin when she was on a tour led by Honey. Seeing the two rollerblading, Laura’s rivalry kicked in, and she began a race with Ryusei. Kaorin then proceeded to win the race by going up and over. Suisei got pissed at losing, and proceeded to make Kaorin her second rival. Kaorin rejected the rivalry, and gave Suisei and Ryusie phantom thief titles. Suisei gained the title “Phantom Thief of Ferocity and Elegance”.

In action, she makes a power duo with Ryusei. Despises the fact that she works well with her long-time rival. Laura brings the hard hits.

Ryusei Honey

A very cutesy, energetic, and speedy lady. Has a rivalry with Suisei, but actually wishes to be friends with Laura due to her secret loneliness. In love with a boy named Danny, she gets jealous easily. Her jealousy causes a lot of people to stop talking to her, as it gets in the way of interacting with Honey. She wishes that her jealousy would vanish.

She met Kaorin when the latter selected her as a tour guide. After a race with Suisei, she was impressed that Kaorin won, and asked if they could meet again (before Suisei butted in with her rivalry). Kaorin rejected Suisei’s offer, before giving them both phantom thief titles. Ryusei gained the title “Phantom Thief of Energy and Affection”.

In action, she makes a power duo with Suisei. She’s overjoyed to get a better chance at befriending Laura and hopes it’ll end her jealous streak. Provides the quick combos.

Her Anima is Gift, the German world of “poison”. Gift as a name follows a double meaning, being both her pleasant personality and her tendency to get so jealous it saps the joy from hanging out with her and “kills” off her company. Its unique power is to inflict a life drain upon foes.

MZD

The mysterious god of the Pop’n worlds. Despite acting like a happy-go-lucky, casual kid, nobody knows who he really is. A benefactor of a higher power, he is entertained by Kaorin’s antics. When the shadows come down on the Pop’n World, MZD sends the group off. 

Kaorin has practically been born knowing he exists. Kaorin doesn’t know him well enough to assign a phantom thief title, and he doesn’t want one. Does not help in the action.

Eventually, he gains his own Anima, something he didn’t think was possible. His Anima is Aeternus, in reference to the Jungian psychology archetype. The particular things to call upon are MZD’s refusal to “grow up”, to never change. His unique trait is to make a victim unable to “change”, effectively paralysing it. 

Unfortunately, getting one of these ropes him into the Phantom thief group. He obtains the title “Phantom Thief of Youth and Gods”, and he does not like it.

Marin

An overly energetic girl who always carries mallets. Her best friend is Ayumu, a fellow bandmate. Has great pride in playing the marimba, but gets overly focused in her practice and performances. Prone to long tangents of explaining things she’s interested in. Throws a lot of ideas out on phantom thief activity. Rather clumsy sometimes.

Kaorin met her when she was visiting the bandroom. Kaorin caught Marin and Ayumu in the middle of practice, and became good friends. When Kaorin hit the phantom thief phase, Marin gained the title “Phantom Thief of Percussion and Ideas”.

In action, she teams up with Ayumu as distractions. They both play their instruments, bringing loads of attention to themselves.

Ayumu

A girl who lives life as it happens. The best friend of Marin. Only really dedicated to her trumpet playing, so ends up with average grades. Her relaxed nature to life causes people to believe she’s incredibly lazy, despite that not being the case. Owns a cat called Nikukyuu.

Kaorin met her when she was visiting the bandroom. Kaorin caught Marin and Ayumu in the middle of practice, and became good friends. When Kaorin hit the phantom thief phase, Ayumu gained the title “Phantom Thief of Trumpets and Kitty-Cats”.

In action, she teams up with Marin as distractions. They both play their instruments, bringing loads of attention to themselves.

Navigator Rasis

A very easy-to-approach girl with a slight hint of timidness. Relatively cheerful, she’s able to remain on the optimistic side of things and help others out of slumps. Takes a lot of burdens onto her shoulders, but is mature enough to know how to handle all of it. Has a little sister named Grace.

Kaorin met her while Rasis was on exchange status at Lapistoria, where they got along rather well. When Kaorin hit the Phantom Thief phase, Rasis opted to help navigate instead of fight. Even though she’s perfectly capable, she has a lot on her plate, and isn’t a fan of fighting. Became the “Phantom Thief of Navigation and Sisterhood”.

In action, she acts as the main navigator. She’s able to access this work from anywhere, so it suits her schedule.

Shoko Aoi

A slightly depressed girl who dislikes rain. Mildly shy, and doesn’t have a lot of friends. She goes along with her life, sort of having given up on it. Kaorin didn’t change much, and she still wasn’t able to smile with honesty. At least, Kaorin’s antics helped her meet new people, including Rasis…

She met Kaorin when they were assigned to a history project together. They got average grades, and Kaorin’s naturally bubbly attitude brought Shoko into becoming her friend. When Kaorin hit the phantom thief phase, Shoko outright rejected to join in the group. Eventually, she warmed up to the idea, and gave herself the codename “Aoku”.

In action, she also helps with some navigation. Despite not being as good as Rasis, she is at least able to do it. Rasis is training her to help her get better.

Timer

A boy with a naturally idol-like personality. Very interested in cosplay, however not as interested in sewing. This ends up with him being a model for Toa. Has a crush on Nyami, which is reciprocated. 

He met Kaorin while he was on tour. Kaorin had won a backstage pass, and the two of them clicked naturally.  When Kaorin hit the phantom thief phase, Timer was very very sad to have to reject her invitation due to his busy schedule. He at least promised to make a modelling deal for Toa if the group needs costumes. He ended up being recognised as an honorary member of the phantom thieves.

Nia

A timid idol girl. She was trapped in the half-dead Lapis world, but when shadows began invading, was brought back thanks to Retsu. Has a close bond with her brother, Toa. Very responsible, even though she sometimes gets caught up in whatever silly antics are happening around her.

She met Kaorin when Timer introduced Kaorin to both her and her brother. Toa and Kaorin became fast friends, and Nia found herself wrapped up in more brotherly antics. When Kaorin hit the phantom thief phase, Nia gained the title “Phantom Thief of Electro and Coredust”, per her suggestions.

In action, she assists Kokona in distracting groups that Miyu and Retsu cannot defeat.  

Toa

An excitable and talented boy. He sews clothes as a hobby, but also has a contract with Timer. He took a hiatus when Nia was trapped in Lapistoria, but has since recovered. Grateful to Retsu for saving his sister. Gets surprisingly scary when angered.

He met Kaorin when Timer introduced Kaorin to both him and his sister. He and Kaorin became fast friends, and Nia found herself wrapped up in more brotherly antics. When Kaorin hit the phantom thief phase, Toa gained the title “Phantom Thief of Sewing and Friendship”, which they brainstormed together.

In action, she assists Kokona in distracting groups that Miyu and Retsu cannot defeat. Also makes outfits for everybody that fit the phantom thief theme.

Meteor

An overly excitable and generally odd boy. Has a hobby in engineering. Incredibly clever, but doesn’t let that stop him from enjoying himself. Has oddly violent techniques in his craft.

He met Kaorin while she was having a vacation in space. They just happened to be in the same hotel and may as well have been hand-crafted to be friends. Meteor refused every and all of Kaorin’s phantom thief titles, opting for a codename of “Antoine” instead. This was granted.

Not actually involved in the action. He mostly just makes the weaponry. The official engineer of the phantom thieves.

That is just copied from the google doc. Enjoy. I'll write it eventually (never). Thank you for reading fr.

[nightswithkookmin]

hello, i have been watching alot of bts videos on my free time and i noticed how jk is kinda so possessive of mimi.I understand when jm is goofing alot with non members like other idols or interviewers,just jimin being jimin interactions. But why does jk get possessive of him when its just the members,?

ok dont get me wrong i know possessiveness in relationship is not bad,You have a right to do so,if the person you love is whining with some other person & enjoying & ignoring you so you have right to be possessive.but why with the members when they are all like bros/family

You are asking the wrong person sis

One time I was "friends" with this girl and she would come around my family often but took a liking to my cousin.

I developed crossed eyes and everything whenever my FRIEND merely talked about my cousin or complimented her or said anything nice about her.

She's a nice person- ait date her then.

Oh she asked me to go to the beach party- ait you two have fun and don't invite me to the wedding.

Her skin is flawless- ait that's a break up. Don't ever hit my line again you community vagina.

I wish I could say I'm a better person now but truth is I'm not. Will swing for anyone who dares look at my cousin twice.

Truth is, I'm lowkey- scratch that- i'm high key jealous of my cousin like I'm not even going to sugarcoat it. And yes, I do think she has low morals as to steal my girl if she wanted to. Doesn't matter to me that she is straight. bitch loose as fuck.

Worse, she is as trustworthy as a mouse, but because we are family I'm expected to act like I don't find her problematic and the things she does is not questionable to me.

She will lie on you, sneak around behind your back, steal your stuff and akekeke at the end of the day holding the family card meanwhile I woulda put hands on her had she been any one else.

If Kook is possessive it's probably because it's his nature first and foremost- some people are naturally predisposed to feelings of jealousy and possessiveness. It's the human in us all.

Sometimes too the environment calls for it. If you are around people you don't trust, people who constantly trigger your own insecurities about yourself, poke at your trauma and trigger your fear of losing something or someone, your fear of being cheated on, your fear of being betrayed-

If you have low self esteem, low confidence in yourself, insecurities about your looks or what you bring to the table then you are bound to be triggered every now and then especially when people around you don't respect the boundaries you put in place to prevent yourself from tripping.

For Kook i feel it's a mixture of all these things.

We all have demons we fight within us. Others can make it hard or easy for us to over come these demons.

Jungkook is human.

He's not always been so confident in himself and to an extent he still deals or might be dealing with insecurities about his talent, his looks etc. I personally don't think there's anything wrong with him. But that's because I see too much of myself in him. I'm not as talented or pretty or successful or rich but I feel him.

I hate to say this on a platform as this but- i mean he is human. He is surrounded by equally amazing beautiful human beings. It's a miracle they all get along this well. They get along too well it's almost fake. Even siblings are plaqued with sibling rivalry and sometimes you need several shots of nicotine to be happy for their early marriage, promotion, new house etc.

Jimin don't have to be interested in those people for him to feel the burn at all. When Jimin shows interest in the others it only compounds the issue.

I don't want to say outrightly that certain members trigger his insecurities- Namjoon being on top of that list if I were saying exactly that cough- but I'm not saying that because who wants to get dragged by JKKs. Who wants that??

Like I said, i don't mind if my gfs mess around with whomever but it would be bloody if they mess with my one particular cousin. I don't hate this cousin but... yeah. I will shoot poison daggers and everything. Just don't do it. Just respect my boundaries.

God don cussed a whole race of humans over one damn apple. I used to think he was dramatic for that shit but now I can relate.

We shouldn't invalidate his feelings because of our personal pseudo moral stance and demonize the humanness in him. I feel it's gaslighting for people to assume he is perfect and as such shouldn't grapple with these human feelings if it is that.

And it applies even if they are just friends. Sometimes, just sometimes, you get uncomfortable when your friend is friends with other people. The thought of your friend building intimate relationships with other people beside you, the idea that they may be as close or closer to others beside you can be unnerving.

That comes from cherishing your bond so much you just don't want anyone to come in between that to mess things up for you.

Kook values his relationship with Jimin.

unless he is a polygamourist, it's gonna be difficult to come to terms he is not the only one or that he is not as special to Jimin or that what they have isn't unique at all.

Not everyone is capable of building multiple emotionally intimate relationships with multiple people. Some people are naturally, innately exclusive in their formation of emotional bonds. I'm one such person.

Don't think too hard about this.

It's like Jimin getting jealous over Tae hanging out with his Hwarang friends and excluding him. It's cute, juvenile and not to be taken seriously. Kook is cute. Endearing even.

These feelings are perfectly normal and not at all mysterious. It's the most basic of human emotions. Almost as basic as love.

But i could dive much deeper into this topic. To Ko-fi we go!

I mean as soon as I'm done with my JM post. I keep writing and deleting 😭

GOLDY

[thefanficmonster]

Filterless

Corpse Husband x Plus-sized Reader (Female)

Warnings: Body Image Insecurities, Low self-esteem, Swearing

Genre:  Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Feeling comfortable in her skin has hardly ever been the case for Y/N who’s been struggling with body image issues all her life. However, they only get worse when she sees the ‘type’ of girls her crush is into.

Requested by Anon. Hi darling! Thank you so much for your request (hits close to home 😅) I’m so sorry it has taken me so long to fulfill it and post it but here it finally is and if you’ve stuck around long enough to read it, I hope you enjoy! ALSO! - Never forget how beautiful and amazing you are. Never compare your beauty to someone else’s. We’re all beautiful people and we all shine so brightly and uniquely. No one deserves to be compared to anyone when we’re all so different yet so incredible. Love you and appreciate you with all my heart, Vy ❤

If I ever need my ego taken down a few notches - it never does, it’s barely even present, to be honest - all I have to do is go on Instagram. To be honest, regardless of how I’m feeling, opening that app is bound to make my mood plummet and come crashing into the ground so hard it drives a hole in it - probably in the form of a broken heart.

Being a content creator myself, I often get asked questions about my absence on that social platform specifically. I mean, the questions are based and rational I guess, considering I’m not a faceless YouTuber and yet my Instagram account is void of any photos. It’s not like I don’t post at all - I do! I post on my story often but it’s more often than not scenery I find pretty or a poster I’ve made for a movie/video game. Bottom line is: I barely ever allow a picture of me to make it online. The most my fans are ever gonna get of me is a selfie which is also a super rare occurrence because of how long it takes me to take and choose one I don’t hate.

Ok, but how am I supposed to find the motivation to post any sort of picture of myself when on my timeline I’m always faced with people worthy of posting pictures of themselves. People with such perfect bodies and beautiful faces. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jealous or envious of those people - good for them! They know what they’re working with and they’re working it well. I have nothing against them, in fact, I love seeing people proud of their bodies no matter their size, shape or weight. Those are my role-models: people who are proud of themselves, their bodies, their attributes and capabilities and don’t hesitate to show them off. Those are the people I look up to but, deep down inside I know I’ll never be like.

Insecure about my body, having been referred to as ‘chubby’ and ‘squishy’ all my life. Inappreciative of the stuff I do: starting from my job as a graphic designer leading towards my job on YouTube - nothing I do, professionally or otherwise, satisfies me. Nothing I do is enough in my eyes because I feel incapable of ever being able to do enough. I’ve been called lazy and a half-asser a few too many times to be able to brush it off as a meaningless insult. 

With these problems I’ve had with myself and my own perception of who I am and the work I do, I’ve never had the time for romance or romantic relationships. I second-guess the intentions of everyone who ever shows any interest in me because in my mind I’m nothing special and I have nothing to offer - nothing attractive or likable at least. That being said, I haven’t even been one to make heart eyes at others either. I busy myself with my job and some side-gigs, brushing off any relationship questions with the excuse that I’m ‘just too busy to be in a relationship’ which is technically true.

Having spent twenty plus years with that mindset, one can imagine how surprised I was when I found myself catching feelings for someone. And that someone just couldn’t be any other than the biggest YouTube sensation at the moment - Corpse Husband.

I’m close friends with Poki - her and I were roommates at one point too - so her inviting me to play Among Us with them wasn’t so strange. One or two games, I thought, nothing unusual there, just friendly curtesy. I wasn’t expecting to warm up to the group of famous streamers nor did I expect them to welcome me among them so easily, mostly because my channel is so small and practically invisible to the YouTube algorithm. But soon enough, I became a permanent member of the team, making friends with every single one of those YouTubers I practically thought of a celebrities.

This journey of branching out to other content creators has proven itself to be surprisingly pleasant and has packed my book of friendships to the brim. All of that came unexpectedly, along with a wave of new subs and a higher view count. However, as I mentioned, it hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. I came to finally understand what my high school friends were talking about when they were head over heels for a boy - the butterflies in the stomach whenever he speaks your name; the importance of the laugh you share with him, how special and different it is; how cool it is to be impostors with him - ok they never said that, obviously, but it’s what I have as a substitute to the ‘when the two of you make eye-contact’ bullshit since Corpse and I have never seen each other in person. That is, of course, because of him being a faceless YouTuber and me being a self-conscious and insecure girl.

We do talk all the time though - texting, calling, chilling on Discord, you name it. Our conversations range from deeply philosophical to ones that might mislead someone into thinking we’re high. There’s no topic we haven’t touched upon and yet we still manage to find something new to talk about. We have plenty of similarities but we also never seem to run out of differences we slowly come across as we keep getting to know each other better and better. 

And somewhere along that journey I ended up catching feelings.

Human nature of wanting to connect with other people, I curse you for what you’ve done to me.

You might think I’m being overdramatic about the whole ordeal and that this is just a normal, natural occurrence many people experience in their life - some even daily. Well, not only am I far from used to it, but it’s also taking a toll of a different kind on me.

It’s like a constant slap to the face. 

That slap turned into a punch when Corpse and I started following each other on Instagram and I started getting daily reminders of how out of my depth I am with this crush on him. In over my head, especially when you look at all those girls whose pics and videos he reposts on his story. Imagine how that makes me feel, what that does to me - puts me back into the ‘Constantly not good enough‘ basket, the one I’ve been fighting to get out of all my life. In the past and in different contexts I could easily say that it was all just my mind hating me intensely but now - now that I know for a fact I’m not good enough and don’t fit Corpse’s criteria - it hurts ten times as much. I’m not one to do shit for someone’s attention or to attract someone’s eyes, but it really hurts my feelings. Often times, it also leads me to doing dumb things and making rash decisions. 

Like the one I made two days ago.

Imagine me cringing and shaking my head at my own stupidity as I admit this: I, in a frenzy, ordered a whole e-girl getup with overnight delivery. 

Wait, hold up, it gets worse. 

I received it yesterday and spent the whole day regretting that decision, but then, in my most insecure hours - which was somewhere around midnight - I equipped the get-up, took a picture and posted it on my Instagram page. First full body pic I’ve ever posted on there. First pic I’ve posted there of any kind. There to stay, not to be gone in twenty four hours. First pic, and it’s not even of me. It’s of who I want to be in order to fit someone’s criteria. And that fucking stings.

As you might imagine, I’ve spent today’s day regretting that decision as well. Recently my mood’s been nothing but regretting rash decisions that have surfaced under the influence of my ridiculous, constantly-present insecurities. And I would’ve probably gotten over it rather quickly had I not received a message from Corpse that read:

“Didn’t think of you with an e-girl aesthetic“

I didn’t open the message, I peeped at it as it was a notification on my lock screen. It’s still there, an unread notification. It’s been two hours since I received it and I cannot think of a single thing to say in response to that. 

Truth is, I’m afraid. I’m afraid of so many things right now.

I’m afraid of becoming that girl in the photo, cause I’m most definitely not her.

I’m afraid of letting Corpse down by admitting I’m not her.

I’m afraid of what my own mind has made me do because it hates me so much and I’m terrified of what it might do in the future.

I’m afraid and stranded on things to do.

You can’t be her forever, you know. Being her won’t make your insecurities go away, it’ll only make them worse. Haven’t you learned that by now?

I sigh, frustrated and irritated with myself as I grab my phone and tap on the notification, finally deciding to face the music and allow my instincts to carry me through the interaction. Improvisation, that’s one of the few things I’m good at. Let’s hope it doesn’t fail me.

I’m just about to type out my response - not sure what it’s gonna say - when I give the message Corpse has sent me a second glance.  I furrow my brows, finding there’s more to it than that peep through the notification let me see.

“Didn’t think of you with an e-girl aesthetic. You’re personality is so bright and colorful, I could’ve never imagined you were into the darks and blacks“

Because I’m not

I fail to realize until the message has been sent that my thoughts are exactly what I typed out and sent.

And honestly, I’m glad. It feels like I’ve spoken my truth, like I’ve lifted a huge boulder off my chest.

With that rare confidence in mind I go on and delete the picture.

In its spot, I post a picture I just now took - a mirror selfie in my homey get-up consisting of hot pink sweatpants and an oversized blue tee, my hair in a messy bun, my face free of make-up.

I caption it: ‘Oops, had the e-girl filter on for the last one. This is filterless me tho so...Hi 🥴’

A lot better, I’m surprised to hear my inner voice say. I hope I don’t get used to all this kindness on my brain’s part, probably won’t last, but damn if I don’t milk every second of it.

Just then, I receive a new message from non other than Corpse.

“Now that’s the girl I see when I think of you. She’s super cute 😉“

My, oh my, who would’ve guessed Corpse has a game like that - and by that I mean the ability to make me blush so intensely with only a text message.

Now ain’t that better than being someone else, Y/N?

It sure is, it sure is.

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