#my desire only has the capacity to hurt me

[bestworstcase]

First i want to say that i love your rwby analysys, but i just discovered your blog, so can you explain to me why you hate Ozpin so much? Like, every minor thing he does and says must have some malicious intention behind it, but everything Salem does is part of a big plan that means that she's not actually evil?

ooh it’s been a while since we had one of these! 1. i think perhaps a closer read of my salem analysis is called for, because you’ll notice that i am, er, not shy about noting that salem is evil and this is in fact a central tenet of my reading of the narrative; i just don’t think she’s a one-note genocidal lunatic and it is extremely obvious that the narrative is heading in a "the brothers were and are wrong, and salem wants them gone" direction; 2. oz is second in my heart only to salem and cinder, which sort of speaks for itself in terms of "this character did bad things!" not being remotely a bad thing in my book, 3. and speaking of cinder, i get exactly as cranky about uwuified fanon sad wet rag ozpin who’s never done a thing wrong as i do uwufied fanon poor wittle cindy who doesn’t want to hurt people but salem makes her do it for exactly the same reason, which is that it strips out everything that makes these characters narratively and emotionally compelling in favor of mashing them into gutless marshmallow pod people for the sake of… i don’t know, making them neat and bland and easily digestible, i guess? uwu?

4. this is an ozlem house

5. i don’t think ozma has ever acted with malicious intention; rather, he’s been coerced into this situation where his faith in his god, his intense desire to do the right thing, and his terror of what will happen if he fails or disobeys—in combination with a divine curse that is literally designed to prevent him from being able to change or break free, because he has a reflection of himself monitoring his thoughts and actions all the time—are at war with his true desire (he wants to be with salem) and his conscience (he knows that salem was right about what is necessary to fulfill his task, that uniting the whole world under one creed is impossible except by genocidal conquest, and he cannot bring himself to do it because it’s wrong). he’s trying very hard to do the right thing in a situation where he genuinely believes his only options are to commit genocide for his god or sacrifice the whole world for his love and he is desperate to figure out a third option that does not end with "rocks fall everybody dies;" thence the lies and manipulation and all the miserable moral sacrifices he’s ever made.

6. the reason this is an ozlem house, in the sense that my reading of the narrative in its entirety is predicated on the ozlem reconciliation, is that salem and ozma are two sides of a coin: she is doing terrible things in pursuit of a world where the gods aren’t holding a knife to remnant’s throat and he has done terrible things for the sake of the same. their conflict isn’t evil-vs-good, but apostate-vs-zealot; salem believes the gods can and must be defied and ozma believes her defiance is doomed to failure. salem tells him that in order to unite the world he needs to spread his word and crush all who deny him; as the king of vale, ozma uses the divine relic of destruction to lay waste to not only his enemies but even his own allies, thus he forges the vytal accords that established the united global order in which the story takes place. he’s a better person than she is—because she’s been living in exile for thousands of years and her capacity for caring about other people has withered away to almost nothing as a consequence—but they are in every sense equals.

7. the narrative is overtly not on ozpin’s side? he has a whole atonement arc about it in atlas—& this is why i made the comparison to uwuified fanon cinder earlier, because the framing with regard to ozpin is very emphatically clear that he does a lot of things that are not good, and are in fact pretty sinister and in some cases (amber, pyrrha) outright evil, and he has to make the choice and put in real meaningful effort to be better. i don’t think there’s anything to be gained from ignoring what is plainly in the text of the story, especially when rwby is categorically disinterested in sorting its characters into neat little good-or-bad boxes. there’s no such thing as pure evil—that’s been the explicit textual conceit since volume one—and the implied converse is that there’s no such thing as pure good, either. (which is a conceit that ozlem exemplifies.)

8. i threw a fucking PARTY when we found out salem razed vale, i get the vapors every time i think about what sort of narrative escalation we can expect in V10 given that something as huge as razing vale can happen off screen to set the stakes for vacuo. not that i don’t also adore characters who are good or who (like oz in v7-8) grow and change to become better, because i do, but i really can’t emphasize enough how much i Do Not hate fictional characters on the basis of them doing awful things. what i want from a character is for them to be interesting, which ozpin is. what you’re perceiving as me hating on him is me dissecting him under a microscope because i love him to bits.

9. the ozlem screeds will continue until morale improves

[oglegoggle]

Bleh. Fuckin hate crushing. Fuckin hate crushing on heteros. I don’t need this. I touched the dude’s fingertips handing him a cool bug. I feel like a goddamn Vulcan getting hot and bothered about touching someone’s literal fingertip for half a second. I need to get railed, how the fuck do I hire an escort???

[ivynightshade]

fatima aamer bilal, from moony moonless sky’s ‘shame sighs in my chest like a spare set of lungs, i. the humiliation of being intolerable devours me.’

[text id: i never got to be a child. / i had a childhood, but i was never a kid; a worrying spine bending in a little body. / i was such a plotter with my schemes, trying to get everyone to like me. / to appear interesting, i always had a deck of cards on me. a hidden plea; play with me please? / i was so busy making up for my inadequate looks by trying to adapt new skills. / JACK OF ALL TRADES, MASTER OF NONE. JACK OF ALL TRADES, MASTER OF NONE. JACK OF ALL TRADES, MASTER OF NONE. JACK OF ALL TRADES, MASTER OF NONE. JACK OF ALL TRADES, MASTER OF NONE. JACK OF ALL TRADES, MASTER OF NONE. JACK OF ALL TRADES, MASTER OF NONE. / so caught up in, shaving skin and swallowing flaws. / i avoid looking into a mirror to an extent where my reflection takes me by surprise sometimes. / i thought it would be easier if i just forget. / i have borrowed this skin from my mother, and not once has she asked for it back. / around her, there's always an apology lodged up my throat: mother, i haven't made you very proud, have i? / being out in the open feels like canines tearing through my back. / i can't look into anyone's eyes, i fear i'll find the resentment that's surely there. / the biting ache of recognizing, 'unwanted' as my second name, birthed a hungry mouth, waiting for a hand. / so i wear different skins to be out in public and shed it like a snake between the walls of my room. / shame sighs in my chest like a spare set of lungs. the humiliation of being intolerable devours me. / a better punching bag than a person, and i try to make sure that i get the best punch out of everyone else. / it hurts less that way. / "every vacant seat is taken until you pass by. so was the space on the merry-go-round in the playground. must you be always this unbearable?" / and i wonder if my shadow wasn't tied to my feet, would it leave me? / burning for so long. / my fate is not a star, neither are ashes. just a fire that keeps flaring and blazes everything in its wake. / had barbed wires for nerves; never was easy to touch. / standing jagged under the withering sun, it's laughable how the only body that has grazed my own has the capacity to burn a million worlds. / but i must confess; i might just be the smoke. suffocating everything. / and i might just be a delightful creature. dressing up as an open wound in see-through gauze and expecting vultures to not pounce. / terrifyingly, i would be disappointed if they didn't and host a dinner for them. / hosting dinner for the vultures: an offering is an offering. be it made on an altar, a slaughterhouse, or to a kid in the playground. / what is the need of being wanted if not begging to be ripped open, in hopes of being found desirable? / the utensil to my misery: my hands. /and even if i were to cut them off, i would still be left with all the blood that is coursing through my veins.]

[lassify]

Behind Test Subject 007: The Science of Anya’s Telepathy

Okay guys… I’m gonna come clean. I’ve had some scientific hypotheses brewing for a while now (not least to use in my fanfic, lol), but since we might be getting close to getting an Anya arc in the SxF manga, I figured that now was as good a time as any to actually try to arrange those theories in something resembling coherent and share them with you all. 

Disclaimer: I am not trying to position myself as an expert. I have studied Psychology and Cognitive Neuroscience at university level, so just for fun I ended up doing a ton of research on this, and I’ve got a lot to cover, so… wish me luck 😅 References will be embedded in the text!

Heads up that this is on the long side and complex as hell and my head physically hurts, so I’ll tackle it in sections:

Part 1: Psychology

My actual subject, but I’ll only skim over a couple of theories…

Part 2: Cognitive Neuroscience (Structural basis)

In which I will look at the individual brain areas which could be relevant to telepathy

Part 3: Cognitive Neuroscience (Functional basis)

In which I talk about how those brain areas communicate to each other

Part 4: Physics

I’ll admit, not my strongest subject, but I’ll mention a couple of theories which could be relevant

If you're ready for your brain to melt, feel free to keep reading...

Part 1: Psychology

There are 2 main theories in Psychology which could offer some explanation for Anya’s psychic abilities. 

Theory 1: Theory of Mind

In short, this describes a person’s capacity to understand other people. It is similar to sympathy or empathy, but actually it is the ability to understand that another person is different to ourselves, that they have their own desires, motivations, and thoughts, and that this is reflected in their behaviour. Even more importantly, it’s about being able to decode other’s mental states, whilst still being able to differentiate it from our own.

Any parent will know that it is a real effort to teach children about trying to understand other people’s perspectives: this is because children typically have an undeveloped Theory of Mind, and it is something that continues to develop even into adulthood. In adults, having a developed Theory of Mind helps us to understand other people’s perspectives, predict other people’s behaviour, and use both empathy and deception. 

Anya has a really strong Theory of Mind, which is actually so impressive for her young age. She understands the complex web of all the secrets: that Twilight is a spy, Yor is an assassin, Yuri is in the Secret Service, and Bond is precognisant. She also understands who knows what about each other, and how she can use all of this information to her advantage - those are some crazy cognitive skills!!

In terms of how this is related to telepathy, you could argue that someone with a strong Theory of Mind (like Anya) may be more likely to:

Understand that people have hidden feelings that they don’t show 

Demonstrate empathy for emotions 

Collate information about their likes and dislikes and past behaviour to predict future behaviour. 

If she is highly sensitive to these things, then it could look like telepathy (even if it isn’t). 

Theory 2: Hyperesthesia.

Many people will have heard of synesthesia, which is a synthesis of the senses to the extent that the sensory information overlaps, but hyperesthesia is about being highly sensitive to external stimuli of the senses such as sight, sound, taste, smell, and touch. 

I can imagine an overlap with Anya’s hyperesthesia and her Theory of Mind to pick up on the nuances of other people’s behaviour, to the extent that reading behaviour could inform the sensation of “reading minds”. 

In a science-fictional world like SxF we could imagine that hyperesthesia could stretch into the sense of extra-sensory perception, by being sensitive to the electromagnetic signals in other people’s brains (or even geomagnetic - more on that in Part 4). From this, it is possible that Anya could “read” people’s minds through deciphering the electromagnetic waveforms that people’s brains might project (more on deciphering brainwaves in Part 3…). 

Part 2: Cognitive Neuroscience - Structural Basis

I think we can all agree that Anya’s telepathic powers would largely be supported by the specific structures of her brain, especially given that Endo has already dropped hints of neuroscience in the manga, and we know that he’s very much interested in accurately depicting psychology and neuropsychology in his story. 

The best way to encourage certain brain areas to develop is by doing exercises and tasks which would use that part of the brain repeatedly: for example, consistent gymnastics practice would enhance the cerebellum, the centre of balance and motor coordination. But, I can picture the experimenters in SxF trying something a lot less… humane.

Like, experimental neurosurgery. 

For example, theoretically, they could artificially enhance certain brain areas by using a neural growth factor serum (this doesn’t exist in real life, but let’s indulge the science fiction elements for a second), and, theoretically, if the experimenters used glycoproteins as the serum’s main content (like laminins and netrins), they could control the pace and direction of neurons growing in a brain, choosing to focus on cellular growth in certain areas. Then, they would be able to view the activity of the targeted areas using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), and measure it with electroencephalography (EEG, see Part 3 for more on this).

If Anya ever had experimental neurosurgeries during her childhood, they would have likely focused on the following areas: 

Corpus Callosum: The corpus callosum is the thick structure of white matter that connects the two hemispheres of the brain, allowing each hemisphere to send signals to the other. With an enlarged corpus callosum, Anya would be able to process neural signals at a much faster rate, and at an increased volume, helping her to process the additional load required for telepathy.

Wernicke’s Area: Named after German neurologist Carl Wernicke, this part of the superior temporal gyrus (usually of the left hemisphere) is a major part of being able to understand language. With an enhanced Wernicke’s area, Anya would be more sensitive to decoding the neural signals associated with linguistic thoughts, effectively enabling telepathic communication through language. (As an aside, this would also give Anya an advantage in understanding other languages… which could explain her natural talent with Classical Language!)

Superior Temporal Sulcus: This is another area that is important for processing human speech, and is critical for processing social cues, such as understanding others’ intentions (including Theory of Mind!). With experimentation in the STS, Anya would be better able to decode the subtle cues in others’ brains relating to thoughts and emotions.

Inferior parietal lobule: As well as assisting in the interpretation of language and sensory information, the IPL is also involved in tasks like perspective-taking and understanding others' mental states. By increasing connectivity in this area, Anya can "tune into" the thought processes of others. It’s also well-known for its’ role in visuospatial processing, which can help Anya see visual thoughts as well.

Anterior Cingulate Cortex: This system is composed of a number of different parts of the brain, all working together to be able to process things like attention, decision making, inhibition and emotions. Most interestingly, it is associated with detecting conflicts and errors. Increased sensitivity to the ACC would likely help Anya to detect cognitive dissonance and conflicting thoughts in others (the perfect formula to eventually understand tsundere tendencies…).

Amygdala: The amygdala is often known as the centre of fear, but actually it is hugely important in threat detection, emotional processing and emotional memory. If Anya’s amygdala was enhanced, this would aid her ability to detect threats quickly, as well as her empathy skills and help her to intuit others’ emotions and thoughts. (A negative side effect of an enlarged amygdala would be that Anya may be more vulnerable to the effects of toxic stress, possibly making her less resistant to the effects of psychological trauma.)

Mirror neurons: Mirror neurons specialise in helping us to carry out and understand other people’s actions and behaviours, playing a key role in empathy and Theory of Mind. These hold internal representations of thoughts or actions, and could potentially be the key for Anya to be able to translate another person’s thoughts or intentions, assuming that she has a particularly active mirror neuron system.

Precuneus: The precuneus is really difficult to research and is super complex, so I’ll do my best to keep this simple: Located in the medial parietal cortex, this part of the brain is essential for visuospatial imagining and processing, as well as episodic memory, self-reflection, and some aspects of consciousness. I suppose the main thing is that it has a big role in mental imagery, including being able to model other people’s views, therefore helping Anya to process the mental images in other people’s thoughts.

Broca’s area: This is very much non-canon, but I imagine that if Anya ever developed the ability to project her thoughts, the Broca’s area would be key for this. While Wernicke’s area helps with speech understanding, Broca’s area is key for speech production. In my fanfic (SSS), Anya’s Broca’s area probably functioned normally for most of her life, but in the recent experiments imposed on her, the ability to project her thoughts was ‘unlocked’ through the increased activation of the Broca’s area.

Part 3: Cognitive Neuroscience - Functional basis

The thing is, it’s not enough to just know which parts of the brain work for what - there is also the question of how they connect and work together to be able to fulfil their functions. 

Think of it as the wiring which connects the parts of a computer: a motherboard, mouse, keyboard, and graphics card (as examples) are built to fulfil their specific functions, but the real magic is in how they connect and send signals between each other so that everything works smoothly.

That’s where neural oscillations come in - otherwise known as brainwaves. These are generated by the action potentials of nerve cells, and their different speeds can be measured using electroencephalography, or EEG machines, which can measure the patterns of activity across a brain.

Let’s bear in mind that I’m really skimming the surface of this subject, so I won’t go into all the types of brainwaves in too much detail, but I will focus on the ones that I think could be more relevant to Anya’s telepathy:

Gamma waves

This is the pattern of neural oscillations which are correlated with large-scale brain network activity, and are largely predominant in learning, working memory, and processing new information. In other words: gamma waves help Anya to connect all the different parts of her brain which are relevant to her telepathy, so that all the areas can communicate to each other.

(Just as an aside: I found this hilarious study that looked at the effects of different types of nuts on brainwaves, which saw gamma wave responses being improved through pistachios, while peanuts aided in generating more delta waves. I wonder if the lab scientists of SxF caught on…) 

Theta waves

Theta waves are especially prominent in childhood (during sleep). I imagine that the lab may have recruited children partially for this reason (the other reason would be that brains have more plasticity at a younger age, and so can be altered easier than an adult’s brain). In adults, theta waves are also prominent in hypnotic or meditative states, mind wandering, and the early stages of sleep.

I think it is really interesting that theta waves occur during deep relaxation, as well as the early stages of sleep, making it the only brainwave that can activate both during sleep and during wakefulness. (From what I can tell, anyway.) This could make theta waves an important component of Anya’s telepathy - for example, if her telepathy was important to her survival, then it is critical for her to be able to detect thoughts during sleep, and her amygdala could alert her if the thoughts were at all threatening.

During wakefulness, I can imagine that Anya’s theta waves serve as the precursor for the activation of psi waves…

Psi waves

Just to confirm, Psi waves are definitely fictional, but my rationale is that historically, ‘Psi’ (ψ) has been used to denote the unknown factor which is linked with parapsychology and psychic phenomena. 

My theory is that psi waves would be the frequency required for telepathy, which would allow Anya to detect and interpret other people’s thoughts through their pattern of neural activation. In other words: she can probably read brainwaves. 

Modern science is already trying out methods to interpret people’s brainwaves (which is honestly both supremely cool and extremely terrifying), so it’s not too far out of the realm of possibility that Anya would be able to do the same thing just by unconsciously using her psi waves. The psi-waves would essentially mimic a brain-computer interface in being able to process and interpret neural activity (aka thoughts).

If you require a bit more concrete evidence to believe me, I’ve made a list below.

Right now, we can analyse brainwaves using EEG to:

Decode whether someone answers “yes” or “no” to conversational questions 

Control the movement of simple robots, including wheelchairs, which can be locked/unlocked using EEG (and EMG) as a biometric security system

Detect and interpret what emotion someone is feeling, as well as learn how strong that emotion is (at an accuracy rate of 80-94%)

Deconstruct the cognitive processes underlying social interaction in people who struggle to verbally express themselves

And this study analysed brain activation using fMRI to interpret and reconstruct visual images

Neuroscience is really crazy, guys.

Part 4: Physics

So… this is the part I am the least confident about. Please be patient with me and forgive me for any mistakes 🙏.  Also, this is the perfect time to remind you guys that I am really engaging with science fiction here. Emphasis on the fiction 😂. 

Basically, there are 2 main theories from Physics that I think could explain Anya’s telepathy, as well as her weakness(es):

Theory 1: Geomagnetic Field Sensitivity:

All brain waves are generated by electrical activity in the brain, and they also generate electrical activity of their own, which creates an electromagnetic field around the brain.

Anya’s abilities could be tied to the geomagnetic field of the earth, especially during the New Moon: when the moon is positioned between the earth and the sun, this could affect the field’s strength. The subtle alteration in the geomagnetic field could disrupt the electromagnetic field generated by Anya’s brain, thus disrupting the neural processing. 

In other words: the New Moon could interfere with Anya’s own electromagnetic field around her brain, via sensitivity to changes in the geomagnetic field, which could be why she can’t read minds during the New Moon. 

Theory 2: Resonance:

Resonance can be observed in physics, acoustics, musical, electrical, and mechanical systems - but now scientists are even looking at resonance in consciousness, and resonance in brain waves on a quantum level. 

Without going into too much detail (I am not qualified), I think Anya would generate a resonance frequency of her own that helps her to facilitate telepathic communication: through resonance, Anya could synchronise her Psi waves with the brain waves of another person, and it is this synchronicity that helps her to interpret the other person’s brainwaves. 

If Anya ever encountered another telepath (as she does in SSS), I imagine that they wouldn’t be able to read each other’s minds because their resonance frequencies would cancel each other out. 

In SSS, I also introduced the idea of a sub-auditory sound wave which would stop Anya from being able to use her telepathy. The idea behind this was to introduce another weakness for Anya: when this sound wave is emitted or detected, it interferes with the brain's natural telepathic frequency. This is because the sound wave oscillates at a frequency that masks the neural signals required for telepathy, and means that Anya can’t interpret those signals as easily. 

Thanks for reading!

I told you this was long. Sorry 😅

The above is really just a collective mishmash of stuff I’ve been slowly putting together for about the last 6 months, and I fully accept there will be parts that are more plausible than others. 😂 But it was fun, and more than anything I am really excited to see what we get to find out in Anya’s backstory arc (when it gets here…), and if I see any mentions of brains or neuroscience in SxF I will literally die of joy

[yoru-no-seiiki]

YANDERE ! EREN JAEGER X READER HEADCANNONS

TW/CW: mdni, yandere themes, masturbation.

Have some headcannons while I wait for my henna to dry/watch the first season with my cousin.

I wish there were more who wrote for Canon! Eren. Like don’t get me wrong, Modern AU Eren is hot but I mean, fuckboys can be seen everywhere.

But Canon! Eren is batshit insane and that’s exactly what I love about him. I wish they at least add that to his modern counterpart instead of making him a basic bad boy but I mean if that’s what they’re into 🤷‍♂️

Anyways Exhibit A of why Eren in all eras is my fave AOT character:

Like I said, he’s batshit insane.

He has directly killed 2 people by the age of nine, and assisted in killing the third. Although this is out of self defense it still can’t be denied HOW HE TReateD THE SECOND DUDE HOLY SHIT- THE AMOUNT OF TIMES HE STABBED HIM.

Normal kids would just be terrified, maybe be even fight blinding and/or cry, probably even run tf away. But ya boi brought a knife and even deceived the person at the door.

EXHIBIT B:

He’d be a great yandere.

Let’s say that we age up our cast and make 18 the minimum age of enlistment (making him 21 around the attack of Trost).

Trainee Eren has the will of fucking steel. He’ll do whatever it takes to wipe out titan-kind, to make the cruel world he lived in finally know true peace.

To be with you in that new world he’ll build.

You were one of his fellow trainees. Someone who unconditionally believed and supported his desire to see the outside world. You didn’t treat him like a child as Mikasa did, and you weren’t so oddly distant when it came to his help and presence like Armin.

At first it started as a crush. An infatuation towards your looks and kind demeanor which morphed into a twisted sense of love.

You were the only one that understood him, that resonated with his wavelength.

He definitely frequently masturbated to your image. Stress was a known issue amongst trainees and soldiers alike. Many drank to rid themselves of such a problem. But to him just the thought of you two becoming one gave him relief and pleasure that any form of alcohol could never give. In the aftermath of the Trost incident, when faced with your unconscious, battered body he pulls a Shinji and jerks one off. Covering you with his release.

You think you’ll leave his mind once he gets busy with being a titan-shifter and the future of Eldia and such but nope.

Eren only has you and the new world he promised in his heart, body and soul. And that’ll never change.

EXHIBIT C:

Eren believes in freedom first and foremost.

So none of that kidnapping. At least in earlier years. He just wants you to be happy and safe. He’s more of the type to hurt others for your sake rather than be abusive and take away your rights.

Eren in later seasons has the capacity to keep you isolated, and that he will.

Like in other (unfortunately rare) fics of him, he keeps you in a farm land with a bunch of loyalists. If reader is afab! or has the ability to bear a child (for those with abo ocs or something idk) he’ll tell them that you are bearing his child and the future inheritor of his powers.

Otherwise he’ll come up with other excuses like having you as a tactician or war-hero they have to pay respects to.

He’ll give you as much freedom as he can provide while keeping you away from danger.

Though one might argue that his version of freedom for you is just an illusion.

[golvio]

Tried the Damsel route today.

This shot and the sequence leading up to it is probably one of the most disturbing things in the whole game. It's to existential horror what the Prisoner sawing her own head off was to physical horror. If anything, the Prisoner's autodecapatation is now less horrifying, in retrospect, because at least she got to keep her personality and free will throughout the process.

But, also...even in the routes where we don't mean to hurt her, where we do everything in our power to avoid physically hurting her...we still hurt her.

Even if we came in here with the very best of intentions and tried to "do the right thing," we still hurt her by our thoughts and desires hollowing her out until she was reduced to...this.

Going through the "happy" version of the ending didn't feel so triumphant, after that. Not just because the ending wasn't quite as satisfying from a narrative standpoint without any sort of conflict to struggle against, but because the whole time it felt like she was following a script. Apart from the vague impulse to leave that all Princesses possessed, she'd been hollowed out of everything that had made her...well, her, before Chapter II. She didn't panic when the door shut, she didn't stop smiling when we suggested she might end the world or have to cut off her arm a second time. The only thing we noticed about her in Chapter I was her lack of response to pain and her sweet smiles, and our fantasies hollowed her out until she became nothing but that.

Can we say she was "happy" if she lacked the capacity to be anything but "happy" with our choices for her? Can you call that love? Or is it something that's even lonelier than outright being alone?

Honestly, it was a relief when the Shifting Mound took her. Seeing her made so shallow felt incredibly cruel, given who she was before she was flattened, and what she would've been capable of if we had done literally anything else. At that point, "You molded her to love you" and "She has served her purpose" felt like both an observation and an accusation.

But, given that my time with the Damsel was paired with Shifty's third vessel dialogue...it got me thinking about what She wants.

She says She doesn't want anything, that She's governed by the whims of whatever force is shaping Her at the moment, but...is She really happy, having who She is be subject to the whims of who's perceiving Her? Is She okay with not being able to hold a shape She's discovered she likes as soon as someone else perceives Her to be something different? Would She ever want to take a break from...all that? After all, She's drawn to us. The Long Quiet. The god of eternity and order. On a certain level, She craves stability.

Is her "gift" to us what She's secretly wanted all along? The power to choose Her own fate, Her own identity, and the power to change it if She doesn't like the path She's on? And what does that say about our gifts? Do we yearn for the completion we offer her through the vessels, given that we keep shattering to pieces every time we go back into the breach and start the loop again? Is this some kind of wacky flipped-upside-down Gift of the Magi situation where each of us gives the other what they yearn for but lack due to our being permanently separated into two beings against our will?

[theerurishipper]

Zuko Did Not Abuse Azula in the Comics.

I'm gonna do it. After a lifetime of never posting any of my own posts in the ATLA fandom, I am gonna talk about this. "This" is the arguments sprung forth that Zuko abused Azula in the comics, more specifically The Search. Now, I don't think the comics are well-written, but what they don't do in any capacity is paint a picture of Zuko abusing Azula. And despite this, I've seen several claims about how Zuko did in fact, treat Azula cruelly and horribly and let the Gaang abuse her happily. And I might not like the comics, but that's just flat out wrong. So, I'm writing a rebuttal to all the arguments I've seen on the topic, at least, as many as I can remember. What I'll do is quote an argument and use evidence from the comic to rebut it, and hopefully people will stop claiming that the abuse victim treated his abusive sister the way she treated him all their lives. So yeah.

To be clear, I'm not making this post to hate on Azula's character or something. I'm not making this to start a fight, or to make people angry. I mostly made this to express my own frustrations about some things I've seen.

And it's probably a bit too late for this, but if you think Zuko did abuse Azula or whatever, you're entitled to your opinion, but please don't interact with this post. I've tagged the anti tags and placed my text under a read more, so y'all don't have to read it.

This gets long, so under the cut it is. Let's go.

Argument: "Azula is protesting being treated cruelly and Ty Lee chi-blocks her for no reason at all! And Zuko doesn't protest this cruel treatment of his sister! He's abusing her!"

Ty Lee chi-blocked Azula after Azula attacked Zuko and displayed violent behavior. On top of being Zuko's bodyguard and therefor responsible for protecting him, Ty Lee also has a great fear of Azula because of how Azula treated her in their past. Zuko tries to be kind to his sister by bringing her tea and she attacks him. Furthermore, Zuko also protests her being chi-blocked even after she does so. He tries to treat her with dignity and be kind to her but Azula herself is the one to sneer at his efforts.

Argument: "Zuko is awful for leaving Azula alone with her abuser! He doesn't care about her well-being!"

I agree that Azula shouldn't be allowed to talk to Ozai. Ozai abused Azula as well, and contact with him would only cause her more problems. However, Zuko doesn't know this. He himself is an abuse victim, and all he's seen his whole life is that Ozai favored Azula over him. And Azula used this to place herself in a position of power over him. She's always tried to drive it into his head that their father liked her better than him and that he was worthless in Ozai's eyes. Naturally, Zuko assumes (incorrectly) that Azula has some kind of special relationship with Ozai that he doesn't. He knows Azula has not had a perfect and healthy life, but he is not privy to the details. He doesn't know what's going on in her head. This is because he is not a mind reader, and she refuses to let herself be vulnerable in front of him because she believes she is better than him and that vulnerability is a weakness.

Even in the comic, she expresses no hatred or fear of her father, and doesn't indicate to Zuko that she does not want to be alone with him. She shouldn't have contact with him, of course, but she refuses to admit that her father is responsible for how she is now and that he has hurt her. She blames her mother, she blames Zuko and his friends, she blames Mai and Ty Lee, but she refuses to blame herself and most importantly, she refuses to blame Ozai. She's still behaving the way he wants, attacking Zuko and, if I may bring up Smoke and Shadow even if it pains me, she's trying to get Zuko to be like Ozai. She herself expresses the desire to speak with Ozai in the panels above, so if she herself hasn't acknowledged the way Ozai has hurt her or how he has abused her, and if she is still under the belief that he loves her, how is Zuko supposed to know any better? He's not doing anything he thinks might hurt her because she hasn't expressed that it hurts her, because she herself doesn't believe it does. And yes, it does hurt her, but it's not Zuko's fault for not being able to magically comprehend that, especially since she has spent her life driving the opposite message into his head, that Ozai favors her and not him.

Argument: "Zuko threw his little sister in an institution! He didn't care for her or for what became of her! He just left her in there to rot!"

What should he have done then? How should he have dealt with her? Azula may be traumatized and in need of help, but Zuko isn't the one to give that to her. He doesn't owe that to her after everything she's done to him, and he doesn't have the capability to help her himself. Azula has always expressed hatred for her brother and has been very clear about the fact that she considers him weak. He tries to help her and she rebuffs him continuously, choosing to attack him instead. She still wants him dead, and she has still not expressed any opposition to the things she learnt from Ozai. She still considers her brother a failure, she still hasn't mentioned that she thinks genocide is wrong, and she certainly doesn't think she's to blame for anything.

Given free reign, she attacks Zuko and manipulates him, and she is obviously too dangerous to let loose. The most Zuko can do is get her the help she needs, which is what he tried to do. I find the whole way these comics deal with mental health distasteful, especially with regard to Azula, but that's a flaw in the writing, not the characters. Zuko could have thrown her in prison like Ozai, since she was complicit in his war efforts. But he recognized that she needed help and tried to provide it for her. I wonder what anyone who criticizes Zuko for this would suggest he should do instead. Keep in mind that Azula is an imperialist and staunch supporter of Ozai's quest to take over the world. She also attempted to kill Zuko multiple times and has expressed no remorse for it.

And also, there is the argument that the institution is abusive and that Azula was mistreated in there. And where is the evidence of that? No, seriously, I went and looked through the comics, and I didn't see any evidence that Azula was abused in there. It seems to be a headcanon. Of course Azula resents being put in an institution, especially when she believes nothing is wrong with her and since she so adamantly refuses to let anyone help her. But nowhere does she mention that she hates it because the people there hurt her or something. And where else could she get help for her problems? Should Zuko take on a second job as her therapist? Should Iroh leave his life in Ba Sing Se behind to come and help a niece who has only ever hated him and wanted him dead? People say that the straitjacket is proof of her being abused, and I don't really like it either, but considering that she is eagerly awaiting the opportunity to attack Zuko, the straitjacket is probably a precaution to make sure she doesn't hurt anyone. Not that it stops her.

And when Zuko does try to help her some other way by offering for her to stay in the palace instead to make her more comfortable, she attacks him. So.

Also, these comics totally forgot how lightning-bending works.

Argument: "Zuko violently coerced his mentally ill sister to come with him on a mission to find his mother!"

She's also Azula's mother, actually. And he didn't coerce her. She blackmailed him and forced herself onto the trip. It was entirely her own decision to come with them and it was not Zuko who forced her to do anything.

Argument: "The Gaang attack Azula for no reason! They're threatening her violently!"

I mean, considering everything she's done to them and still hasn't given up on wanting to do, it's expected that they would be wary of her and perceive her as a threat. Remember when the Gaang pulled their weapons on Zuko, and only didn't attack him because he tried talking to them? Azula here is still antagonizing them and is still calling them derogatory terms like "peasant," so she still hasn't given up her beliefs of superiority. Which obviously doesn't give them a very positive impression.

Argument: "Iroh always expresses ill will and hatred towards Azula and thinks she's a lost cause! He encourages Zuko to hurt her because he thinks she's irredeemable!"

Iroh expresses the wish for Azula to find peace the way he believes Zuko will.

Argument: "The Gaang treated Azula cruelly and threatened her for no reason! They started abusing her the moment they got the chance to, when Azula was defenseless and unable to protect herself at all!"

Here we have exhibit A, where Aang cruelly laughs in Azula's face and greets her mockingly, while Azula is respectful of the people she has hurt many times over.

Oh wait. He greets her cheerfully and kindly, and she starts ordering the Gaang around like they're her servants.

Argument: "Sokka threatened Azula violently for no reason and Azula was just defending herself!"

Sokka didn't even do anything to her. He waves his boomerang near her and tells her not to try anything. And yet the way some people will use this scene is to suggest that he was outright attacking her when she was vulnerable or something. And yet she is well off enough to shoot lightning at him unprovoked. Considering all of Azula's actions, they are well within their rights to keep her in control. Would you say Katara was unjustified for threatening Zuko with death right after he joined them? Was she abusing Zuko then? The answer is no.

Azula has been well known for committing many acts of violence against them, including but not limited to pursuing them relentlessly, attacking them, taking over Ba Sing Se, trying to kill them, actually killing Aang, almost killing Zuko, and she is complicit in the crimes of the Fire Nation. She has done nothing to prove that she's changed her ways and that she is now not interested in killing them, and we later learn that she still does want to attack them. Sokka is well within his rights to threaten her since she has inflicted so much harm on his friends and might still do so. But Azula has no such right. The only reason she has so much free reign is because of Zuko's compassion. The Gaang are right to be suspicious and wary of her after everything she's done and she has no right to be disdainful about that. Do you think if Zuko showed up to join the Gaang and shot sparks at them when he got irritated, that they would not be in the right for perceiving it as a threat? Would you say that Zuko should be allowed to act violently with the Gaang in that situation?

She is here because she manipulated her brother and the fact that she is being allowed on this trip unbound is much more than what she realistically deserves. And she proves Sokka right by attacking him. Sokka merely waved a boomerang in her face (he wasn't even that close to her, actually, and he certainly wasn't in her face) and warned her not to try anything, and she tried something instantly. Just before this when Zuko was with her, she attacked him. No matter her mental state or her age, Azula is dangerous and deadly, and she has not changed. They have no reason to trust her. They have the right to be distrustful of her and to warn her not to step out of line. I know people like to ignore the fact that Azula is still an Ozai sympathizer and an imperialist who partook gleefully in the war efforts and like to only see her as a mentally ill 14-year-old girl, but that's not what the show says, and neither do the comics, so.

I'm guessing it's wrong of the Gaang to react when someone who has previously proved to be more than ready to hurt them and kill them tries to hurt one of their friends. Sure, Azula wasn't going to hurt him severely, but she sure did hurt him enough for him to yell out and fall down. And considering everything else, the Gaang are right to try to protect themselves from someone they perceive as a threat. Sokka wasn't even close to her, damn it. Azula has no right at all to be making demands of the Gaang, and they don't have an obligation to treat her the way she wants to be, like they are her servants and like they are inferior to her.

Argument: "Zuko threatens Azula for no reason and abuses her!"

Azula is someone who has proven to be a threat time and again, and here she is yelling strange things and inching closer with an angry look in her eye. For people like Zuko, it is understandable that this looks like a threatening situation. We know what Azula is talking about, but all they can see is her behaving in a way that could be threatening.

She yells accusatory things and looks angry, and she is moving closer to the rest of the Gaang, almost like she is ready to attack them for something. And so Zuko tells her that that's enough. And he releases some... steam, I guess? He doesn't even bend a flame. And yet he's abusing her somehow. And then she makes it sound like he's overreacting. If someone you knew was dangerous started coming closer to you while yelling with a strange look in their eyes, would you try to wonder why exactly they're behaving like this and if they're alright, or would you prepare to defend yourself?

And here we also see Azula blaming the Gaang for ruining her life and not, you know, her abuser Ozai. So sure, of course she'd accept Zuko's help when she thinks he's to blame for her misfortune and not her own actions and Ozai's abuse.

I too wish Toph was here.

Argument: "The Gaang abused a defenseless Azula, Part 2."

Defenseless Azula breaks the deal she forced Zuko to make with her and jumps off Appa when they're too high.

Aang saves her and she blasts him.

Now, we know in this scene that Azula is having visions of her mother and that she's hearing things. We know that she's not exactly of sound mind when she goes on rampages. But the Gaang doesn't know that. Zuko doesn't know that, and he has no way of knowing because she won't tell him. Even when he asks her who she is talking to, she just yells at him and rebuffs him.

Look at Zuko, saying that he doesn't want to fight Azula with a sad expression. How abusive!

Azula throws the first blow here. She isn't seeing things when she attacks Zuko, she just used him to get here and now she wants to get rid of him. And Zuko is doing what he said he'd do, keeping her in line. And don't say he should have just let Azula go. He wouldn't be a very good Fire Lord if he let the lightning bending imperialist go off on her own.

And then the Gaang takes her down after she attacked them first. So if that's abuse, then I don't know what to say.

Argument: "Zuko abusing his sister, Part 3."

Very abusive, yes.

Oh, and he finds a secret she's been keeping from him! That's so abusive!

Argument: "Zuko abusing his mentally ill sister, Part 4."

She attacks him first. You could make the argument that it's because she's having visions of her mother, and yeah, she is. But Zuko doesn't know all this because she won't tell him. And also, as it should be obvious to everyone, that's not an excuse.

Then there's a fight scene.

Argument: "Zuko cruelly held Azula off a cliff to threaten her and hurt her! He's abusing her while she is clearly not well!"

Ah, this infamous scene. Where Zuko holds his weak and defenseless sister off a cliff and laughs maniacally at her suffering while she pleads with him to spare her- oh wait.

Obviously, he dragged her to a cliff just so he could hold her off it. It's not like they were fighting in that environment. It's not like she just fell near the cliff's edge and he picked her up.

I honestly don't see anything wrong with what he did. He's clearly defending himself from her, and holds her over the cliff so that she won't attack him again, and so that he can make her listen to him after she has acted out again and again in a violent and dangerous way. She was attacking him, and this was the only way he could get her to listen to him. If you think he was considering dropping her, you don't know Zuko at all.

Anyway, this is actually one of the few scenes from any of these comics that actually made me feel something. It's an expression of the tragedy of their relationship from Zuko, and also him standing up to another abuser in his life. Yes, Azula abused Zuko, that much is not up for debate. Here, Zuko is finally confronting Azula on the horrible was she's treated him their whole life. I don't begrudge him that. And him saying "since the day you were born," is obviously not literal. Like, I can't believe I have to say this unironically. If people say "I must have walked a thousand miles," do we take it literally or do we understand that it is an exaggerated way of expressing that someone has walked a long way? It's the same thing here. Just because Zuko exaggerates his speech does not mean that the sentiment he is expressing is untrue. This is such a stupid line to get hung up over, but gotta take every inch you get when the whole text is against you, I guess.

Argument: "The Gaang abusing Azula, Part 5."

Where the Gaang verbally abuse Azula who is clearly hurt by their cruel words- hold on.

Ah, yes. Call the people who are somehow still putting up with you "louts," Azula. I am sure that is a very good and proper way to treat people who have every right to throw you back in jail and be on their way. They don't even say anything back to her. The Gaang has the patience of saints, honestly.

Thank you Sokka for being the one with common sense. I suppose he's also a villain now for saying "she's tried to kill us twelve times" when that's not true, it was only about two times. Which clearly makes it better.

Argument: "Zuko abusing Azula, Part 6."

Azula antagonizes a child, Zuko tells her to knock it off.

He's being so cruel to her.

Argument: "The Gaang abusing Azula, Part 7."

She attacked them. They defended themselves. It doesn't matter if she saw her mother in a vision. That's not an excuse and it's not the Gaang's problem. It's not Zuko's obligation to help his abuser, especially since she doesn't want his help anyway.

Gee, all these arguments are starting to sound awfully similar. It's almost like Azula always instigates fights and the Gaang defend themselves. Hmm.

Argument: "Zuko abusing Azula, Part 8."

She attacked first. Again.

This time she even attacked two actually defenseless people.

Argument: "Zuko gave the Gaang permission to attack Azula for no reason at all! The used their position to abuse her!"

No, he gave them permission to take her down because she went too far and attacked innocent people who did nothing to her.

Honestly, Zuko should have done this a lot sooner. She's tried to kill them four times already. She hasn't listened to them when they tell her not to do something and she's endangered all of them many times. She's being granted more than she deserves by the Gaang, and yet she goes on to do things they explicitly tell her not to do because it might hurt the forest or other people. She's proven that she is not concerned about who she hurts as long as she gets what she wants, and it took until she attacked people who weren't the Gaang for Zuko to suggest taking her down. The fact that he didn't give the okay for this the first time she tried to kill them is honestly a testament to his character.

Azula had this coming. No amount of the excuse of mental illness is enough to justify her actions. Even if she has a mental illness, it doesn't give her the right to attack others. And Zuko has all the right to defend himself and realize that working with Azula is impossible. He doesn't look happy to be doing this. He looks quite sad, in fact. I joked around a little in this post but seriously, anyone who says Zuko is the one abusing Azula is interpreting the text in very bad faith. I know people like it when Azula is a victim so that they can justify her hurting others, but Zuko and the Gaang had every right to retaliate throughout this comic whenever Azula attacked them or hurt someone else. These two siblings aren't even the last non-Gaang people Azula hurts in this comic.

Argument: "Zuko abusing Azula, Part 9."

Wherein Azula attacks her mother who doesn't remember her and her defenseless family with the intent to kill.

Now I'm not heartless. I feel for Azula here, I really do. That panel of her with tears in her eyes truly makes me feel sad. She definitely didn't deserve what happened to her throughout her life at Ozai's hands. She didn't deserve to feel unloved and feel like her mother thought she was a monster. She didn't deserve to be abused by Ozai. Azula deserves to heal, she deserves to be loved, she deserves to be treated well and she deserves better.

None of this gives her the right to hurt other people. Innocent people. She may feel her mother has wronged her, but it's not true. And she doesn't get to attack her mother, who doesn't even remember her, out of hatred and anger. She doesn't get to kill this innocent woman and attack her family. And Zuko is not in the wrong for stopping her. Zuko is not the wrong for protecting his mother and her family. Zuko is not abusive for defending other people and himself from Azula. Because even if Azula is hurt, she is taking it out on other people who have done nothing to deserve it.

Zuko redirecting her lightning back at her doesn't kill her, and I'm sure Zuko knows that it wouldn't. He doesn't want her dead. He doesn't want to hurt her. He wouldn't have thrown her over the cliff for that very reason. Despite everything, Zuko loves Azula. He cares about her. He wants to have a good relationship with her. He's very affected by the knowledge that their relationship is so bad. He truly wants to help her. But it is Azula who is resistant to that help. It is Azula who thinks her brother is weak and deserves to be hurt. It is Azula who despite wanting love, chooses to push people away and hurt them over and over again.

He's saddened at her running away, he chases her and pleads with her to let him help. But it is Azula who refuses him, who rebuffs him and attacks him at every turn. It is Azula who is always the aggressor, it is Azula who is at fault in their relationship, all because she believes that everyone is to blame for her mistakes but herself. And the only way she can heal is if she realizes who the blame truly lies with, Ozai, and rejects everything he's taught her, that love is weakness and to rule with fear. She needs help, but Zuko is not obligated to provide it to her. And yet he does, out of the kindness and compassion in his heart, and the love he has for his sister.

Argument: "He abused her in the show, then! Since this post only talks about the comics!"

That's because it should be obvious to anyone watching that Zuko didn't abuse Azula. If anyone thinks Zuko abused Azula, I invite them to watch a show called Avatar: The Last Airbender. It's really quite good.

So I feel like I've covered most arguments I've seen. But I do want to talk some more about why exactly I wrote all this, why I wasted two hours of my life on this.

Anyone who goes through the ATLA tag on my blog will probably reach the correct conclusion that Zuko is my favorite character, and that he and his arc mean a lot to me. And so, it's honestly not great to see people undermine all of the suffering Zuko has gone through in his life, all to justify Azula's abusive behaviors. It's not wrong to like Azula and love her character. She's a complex character that many find relatable, and that's not wrong. But to accuse another character, her actual victim in the series and one whom many can relate to as well, of being her abuser and denying her abuse of him... it's not a great look. It reeks of victim blaming and abuse apologism. And it's not true. Azula is an example of how victims of abuse can become abusers themselves. This is what she represents in the show. And it is not wrong for people to call out Azula and not Zuko, because Zuko got called out in universe, called himself out and he changed. Zuko redeemed himself and became a good person.

Azula has not done that. She hasn't changed, she hasn't acknowledged that she is wrong, and therefore people are allowed to criticize her and dislike her, and they are allowed to call out her abuse and her other actions. People call out Zuko for his bad actions as well, but the fact of the matter is that he changed, and people don't feel the need to call him out anymore because he's done it himself. Zuko doesn't need the same criticism Azula does because he grew and she didn't, that's it. So all the talking points about how people don't call out Zuko as much as Azula or that they don't criticize his bad actions are moot because of his very widely acknowledged and celebrated redemption arc. Because he realized his mistakes and worked hard to fix them. So, there is really no point in criticizing him anymore the way there is for Azula, since she hasn't changed. And it is not "hate" for people to understand that despite Azula's abuse at Ozai's hands, she dealt the same thing to her brother for years. And it is not wrong for people to criticize her for it.

All this talk about how Azula is always being hurt and betrayed by everyone, and all this talk about how Zuko is weak unlike Azula is the exact same reasoning Azula uses that enables her to abuse others within the story, the reasoning that Ozai instilled in her. It is quite literally the parroting of Ozai's beliefs, that Zuko is weak and soft, and that Azula is strong and powerful and yet she's a victim of everybody. She believes that others deserve to be hurt because they are too weak or because they are responsible for her suffering, and not her or Ozai. In the end, it wasn't Zuko who drove away her friends Mai and Ty Lee, and Mai and Ty Lee did not "betray" her. It was Azula's cruel treatment of them because she controlled them through fear that drove them away from her, and when push came to shove they stood up for the people the loved and for themselves. It wasn't Zuko who drove away their mother, it was Ozai. It wasn't Iroh who hated Azula and wanted her dead, it was Azula who hated Iroh and wanted him dead, and these are all things she learnt from Ozai. She can only ever grow if she realizes her mistakes and accepts the blame for her own actions, and if she stops blaming her victims for her suffering and starts blaming her abuser.

Blaming Zuko for defending himself from her and calling that abuse is victim blaming. Whether you like it or not, Azula did abuse Zuko. She had power over him, she targeted his insecurities constantly, she lied to him multiple times and made him doubt his own perceptions, she manipulated and gaslit him and made him feel unsafe in his home. She supported Ozai's abuse of Zuko and participated in it and took pleasure in it. Zuko never did anything of the sort to her. He reacted to her abuse in a way he never did with Ozai until the end, but that does not mean he wasn't affected by it or that it didn't happen, because it did, and even though he fought back with her, he was often defeated and Azula always managed to manipulate and terrify him. For fuck's sake, he literally had a chant, "Azula always lies," so that he could comfort himself after she terrorized him, something that he's been saying to himself for years according to Zuko Alone. People will point to Zuko challenging Azula as him abusing her back, but what defines abuse is the power dynamics. There is no such thing as mutual abuse. Abuse is all about one party having power over the other, and in Azula and Zuko's relationship, she had all the power over him because she was the favored child. Of course, this was also damaging for her, very much so, but it means that she had power over him, and he didn't.

Azula is a tragic character and her life is a sad one. But that doesn't make her any less of a bad person, and it doesn't mean she is not a toxic individual. Her actions have hurt other in many ways, and she does not feel remorse. She finds pleasure in the pain of others, especially her brother, at whom she smiled in glee when he was being maimed by their father. She took over a city and killed someone and did it with a smile on her face. She tried to kill her brother and laughed about it. She gleefully suggested genocide, and wanted to take part in it. And she hasn't changed, so people are allowed to dislike her and call her out for it. Personally, I believe that Azula has the capacity to change and to redeem herself. I don't think she's too far gone or is irredeemable. She is not as bad as Ozai, and it's not too late for her.

No one deserves a redemption. It has to be something you actively work for, something you do and it is something that you have to work for. Azula can change if she truly wants to. She has people who are willing to help her if she so chooses, like Zuko for better or worse for him. But that means admitting to her mistakes, acknowledging that she is wrong and has hurt people, and making the effort to change, which so far she has not done. And Zuko is not obligated to forgive her or help her in any way, and neither are the Gaang or Iroh.

You can like a villainous character. You can like a character who is a bad person. It's not wrong. What is wrong is to paint another character in a bad light, in a false light, to justify your love for another character. And especially in this case since Azula is Zuko's abuser, turning the tables and calling him her abuser for defending himself against her all because you want to excuse Azula's actions and want her to be a victim is really not great. Accusing Iroh and Ursa of being responsible for her downfall is not great. All this is directing blame away from the real abuser, Ozai. And it veers into victim blaming and abuse apologism, like I said.

Being a fan of Azula doesn't mean you can handwave away her less than savory traits or cherry-pick the ones you like. She is a victim, but she's also an abuser. And it is not "bashing" or misogyny for people to call her out. Calling out Zuko is also okay and allowed, but it is honestly less productive since he changed himself already. I understand that people don't like when their favorite characters are criticized or hated, but that doesn't mean characters who do bad things are exempt from being called out. And it doesn't give anyone the excuse to start misrepresenting other characters and hating on them to prop up their fave. Fans of characters who are villainous should understand that. And in this case, anyone who is a fan of Azula should understand that.

[kydrogendragon]

Dec 14 - Naughty

(Ao3 Link) (Masterlist Link)

Morpheus had been acting… strange. As of late. Hob almost wondered if he was coming down with something. They have been out in the cold more often lately. And it did all seem to start after they’d gotten their Christmas tree. But whenever Hob would ask him, he said he was fine. No fever (he’d made Morpheus take his temp, just to be sure), no chills, no nothing. So whatever was going on with him, it wasn’t because he was ill.

It did make Hob wonder, though, what was causing his friend to act so strange. He wondered if it was something he had done because for the past two weeks, it’s like he’s been avoiding him. Hob would plop down on the couch next to Morpheus, getting ready for their Friday movie nights, like they had for the past two months. Then, Morpheus would get up, either grabbing a drink or a snack, but rather than sitting back down where he had, he’d go sit in one of the armchairs instead.

It hurt. And it wasn’t just movie nights either. He sat across from Hob for meals, rather than beside him. Or he’d go eat in his room. Whenever he’d reach out to give his friend a hug, Morpheus would duck out or shy away. He used to always accept them.

Had he felt obligated, before? Did he finally realize that he would always be welcome here and no longer had to try and please him by being close to him? Not that Hob ever wanted him to feel that way, regardless. Wherever he was, Morpheus would always be welcome, in whatever capacity he wished. Now Hob just worries his friend felt… forced. It made his stomach twist.

Morpheus is in his room. Hob knocks, gently rapping his knuckles against the wood. There’s shuffling behind the door before it’s opened. Morpheus looks flushed again. Maybe this is just his body in the winter?

“Hey,” Hob greets, stepping back away from the threshold. He didn’t want Morpheus to feel uncomfortable again. “Mind if we talk for a sec?” The flush in his friend’s cheeks all but vanished. He nods, stiffly, and walks back into his room, sitting on the edge of his bed. Hob takes a breath and follows in.

Morpheus sits, his hands holding tightly onto his knees. Christ, he looks like he’s a second away from bolting. It stabs Hob right through the heart. He had done this. The worst part is he doesn’t know what exactly he’s done. Hob knows he’s carried a torch for his friend for the longest of times, and that flame only grew when he became human, but he’d thought he’d done a good job at keeping the line between friend and crush separate.

Apparently not.

He hesitates, debating if he ought to take a seat or remain standing. He’s not sure what was better. He decides, in the end, to sit, but at the very bottom end of the bed.

“Listen… I’m sorry, Morpheus. I really, really am.” He sighs and rests his forearms on his knees. “I didn’t mean to make this awkward or, or make you feel uncomfortable. That’s the last thing I’d ever want. So, whatever it is I’ve done, tell me. Please. So I can try and fix it. I’ll swear I’ll never do it again.”

He feels Morpheus’s gaze on him. He’s silent for a while.

“You... are apologizing.”

“Yeah,” Hob says, turning to his friend, his face pulled tight in regret. “Sorry it took so long. Didn’t realize till today.”

“I do not understand.”

“Why am I apologizing?”

“Yes.”

Hob blinks, suddenly wondering if he’s drastically misread the situation.

“I… You’d been dodging me. Thought I did something to make you not feel safe around me.”

Morpheus laughs and the weight on Hob’s shoulders begins to fade. Not completely, but some.

“It is not you who ought to be apologizing, but I.” Morpheus closes his eyes and sighs, his shoulders falling in the way Hob has learned to recognize means Morpheus thinks he’s going to say something that has dire consequences. “I have, as of late, been thinking of you as the object of my desires, especially those of a carnal nature. I had verified that it was not due to my siblings interference, and so I have accepted that it is just… me. And my doings. And so I apologize, Hob Gadling. You are my dearest friend and deserve better.”

It takes Hob a good few minutes to process everything he just said. But then it hits him like a truck.

“Are…” He pauses, squinting at Morpheus, because he’s not sure if he’ll be able to recover if he also misunderstood what he just said. “Are you saying that you… fantasized… about me?”

His friend flushes and nods, not looking at Hob, but rather the wall across the bed. And here Hob thought he’d been too forward, somehow. Turns out he needed to be the opposite.

“How long has that been going on?”

“For a fortnight hence.”

“Two weeks.”

“Yes.”

“You’ve been jacking it to me for two weeks?”

Morpheus’s face scrunches at the verbiage and Hob smiles.

“Yes. Since you seem so keen to mock me with such crude terms.” Hob scoots closer, feeling emboldened by the confession.

“Yeah? Would it please you to know you’ve been the subject of my fantasies for the past, oh, four hundred some years?”

He can feel the wind from how quickly Morpheus whips his head to face him. His beautiful blue eyes are wide and dart across his face.

“Truly?”

“Yup.” Hob says, popping the ‘P’. “So really, what I’m hearing is, I should be apologizing for not noticing and taking care of you earlier?”

Morpheus’s eyes darken. His tongue darts out, wetting his lips and Hob can’t help but follow the motion.

“Perhaps,” he muses, leaning forward into Hob’s space. “And how might you pay for your actions?”

Hob chuckles and leans in as well. Their lips are just centimeters apart. He can feel Morpheus’s hot breath on his skin and he shutters.

“I can think of a few things.” He slides down, off the bed, and onto his knees. He shuffles so he’s positioned right in between Morpheus’s legs. His friend turns his feet in, closing Hob in with a smile. Then Hob has a thought.

“Wait,” he says, resting his hands on Morpheus’s knees. “Two weeks ago. Is that why you were acting so weird in the car ride home?”

Morpheus looks to the side, raising his chin in a defiant manner. “Perhaps.”

“Okay,” Hob laughs, shaking his head fondly. “I have to know, though, what was it about buying pre-cut trees in the Tesco parking lot that really did it for you?”

Morpheus sighs and looks down at Hob from the corner of his eye. “It was not the trees, Hob Gadling.” He chides, still somehow managing to sound regal, despite their situation. “It was the show of strength and prowess at your ability to provide.” He clears his throat. “Also, you looked quite fine from my angle whilst you were securing the tree in place.”

“It’s cause those jeans made my arse look good, wasn’t it.”

“Perhaps.”

Hob hums and climbs up out of his kneeling position. He slots his arms between Morpheus’s arms and his body, trapping him between the bed.

“Well, those jeans are in the wash, unfortunately, but I can show off that strength of mine again for you.” Hob winks before he hauls Morpheus’s body up and over his shoulder. His hips dig into Hob’s shoulder, his legs dangle in front. Hob places one hand on the backs of his knees to keep him steady and gives him a firm spank on the arse. Morpheus squeals.

“Hob Gadling,” Morpheus growls without any heat behind it.

“Yes dear?” He replies in a sing-song tune.

“If you do not carry me to your bed and fuck me proper, I will not forgive you for this.” Well, if he had to worry about not being hard enough (he didn’t), that command did the trick.

“Your wish is my command.”

[sentientsky]

On Crowley, the Starmaker, and the Disruption of Intergenerational Violence

(based on this post from @nightgoodomens) I started thinking about Crowley and the Starmaker and the way in which he's an engineer at heart. But then I started gathering screencaps and making gifs and stuff, and then I was thinking about how Crowley's doing a really good job of upsetting patterns of intergenerational trauma. (Of course I'm going to talk about childhood stuff, what did you expect from me??) CONTENT WARNING: this will involve discussions of childhood trauma and abuse (not explicit)

I'll be using they/them pronouns to refer to the Starmaker and he/him pronouns for Crowley. This is for no other reason than to help me differentiate in my own writing lol.

To preface, the Starmaker is so so important to me. You have no idea; they are my beloved, my everything, my most adored.

I mean, look them. What a fucking cutie (i accidently/subconsciously picked up the habit of nose-scrunching because of this goofy little cosmic Bob the Builder)

They're also an engineer, a creator of worlds—someone who spins matter and existence into being.

Their desire to create, to make things happen is carried throughout the story.

(e.g., Crowley's rainstorm) He maintains a love for the universe and all the stars in the sky.

So what does this have to do with intergenerational trauma? Well, as we've discussed time and time again, Crowley is deeply deeply traumatized by both the violence of Heaven and of Hell. Trauma, much like the worst fucking family heirloom ever, has the capacity to be passed down through the years. Let's get more specific. What is intergenerational trauma?

(source)

(source) For example, my grandfather has a horrific temper and lashes out as a way to cope with his emotions. In turn, my father learned that being abusive towards one's children was acceptable, and applied it to his parenting of me.

In this case, Crowley was abandoned and actively forced into, "a million-light-year freestyle dive into a pool of boiling sulphur" by God—someone who is functionally his parent. In Hell, he was subject to torture and other forms of cruelty. Unsurprisingly, that leaves a fucking massive mark on an individual. It would be very easy for him to simply replicate the patterns that he learned in his time as the Starmaker and turn cold/callous/cruel. And yet he doesn't do this. As mentioned here, he is kind and compassionate. He sticks around through continual rejections, despite having only known abandonment. He answers questions (invites them even). At the same time, the trauma hasn't had a nonzero effect on him, of course. He's redirected the violence into compulsive caretaking and a kind of need to prove himself, among many other things (totally not speaking from experience here. no siree!! *sweating*). Let's take a closer look at this (because I want to and you're stuck with me hehe): Questions As we saw in season 1, Crowley cites asking questions as the reason for his Fall (an idea which we see reiterated in season 2):

Instead of replicating that same violence (by belittling, rejecting, or else lashing out at those who ask questions), we see him encouraging curiosity. Not only is this evident within the Starmaker,

but also in Crowley himself, as we see with both Muriel and Jimbriel:

Along the same lines, as he's been subject to a great deal of unkindness (understatement of the year), it would be easy for him to carry that cruelty forward (god knows my family has taken that route before. who said that!!!). Nevertheless, he remains kind, even to those who have hurt him (which isn't to say that you need to be or even should be kind to those who abuse you. abuser apologists are not a thing in this household). Kindness even in the face of mistreatment + anger Gabriel, as Crowley has mentioned, has the capacity to smite Crowley. He has actively tried to kill the love of his life. The mere presence of Gabriel in the bookshop triggers a fight or flight response in Crowley, and this disruption represents a violation of the safety of the bookshop that he and Aziraphale had established within the past however many years (see Alex's fantastic meta post for more detail regarding the bookshop becoming an unsafe space for Crowley: x)

ignore my cursor. just pretend its a fly. shh shhh it's beez just being a silly lil guy (gn). i'm too tired to remake this gif, so this is what we're working with lol

(AND THEN HE OFFERS HIM A HOT CHOCOLATE?!?!?!! couldn't be me) Case Study: The Plants (shoutout to @sighed-the-snake for their post about leaf spots) Even with regards to his plants, we see a widely different side of him beginning in the second season. In the first season, we witness him using the plants as a site of displacement/projection, in which he reenacts the violence he himself was subject to.

However, in the second season, while we don't get a lengthy view of them, episode four gives us a quick glimpse into how this approach might have altered in the four years since.

(please keep in mind that my vision is absolute dogshit, so apologies if you look at my little circles and go "what the actual fuck is she talking about?" i TRIED, okay????) Had this been the first season, these little guys wouldn't have been permitted to exist in the state they're shown here. We could argue, oh well, it's just because Crowley's been busy/distracted with other things. And while that may be the case, we've seen him preoccupied with the end of the world in season 1, and yet still exert control over the plants.

...I have no solid conclusion for this, as I'm still sick and my brain is like a bowl of stagnant dishwater at the moment. I'm not putting forth any new ideas or anything, so I guess this is all to say, "yay for cycle breakers!".

[dany-is-my-queen]

A Question of Loyalty XIII

Rhaenyra Targaryen x reader, Alicent Hightower x reader

Word count: 5.6k

Summary: When dragons of green and dragons of black dance, you have to choose the color that suits you best.

"You have an insatiable inclination for suffering and rejection," Daemon trailed off. "You, as a princess, can have any maid, any lady, anyone at all. Why do you persist in being fixated on her?" He reproached her.

"You don’t understand, dear uncle. You have never experienced the depths of love before," Rhaenyra retorted.

"No, I have not. But I would never grovel after a woman—I would simply find another to take her place," Daemon stated with an air of self-assuredness.

"She cannot be replaced. Do you believe she harbors feelings for Alicent?" Rhaenyra inquired, her voice filled with a fragile vulnerability.

“I cannot say," Daemon responded.

Later on ~~~~

Rhaenyra regally positioned outside your apartments, appeared as a vigilant guard.

"Did you enjoy yourself?" The silver head asked, laden with.. disappointment.

"I did, princess," came the reply, a hint of regret.

"Skoro syt issi ao evading issa, issa riñnykeā? (Why are you evading me, my lady)” Rhaenyra's voice quivered, hurt and frustrated.

"I— I'm not. I thought you might need some space," you stammered, reflecting your uncertainty.

"You can't even bring yourself to look at me," She exclaimed.

"Princess, if you'll excuse me—"

"We need to speak.”

"I don't want to cause you pain, Rhaenyra," you admitted.

"You've already done so. And still do," She declared, conveying a sense of woundedness.

Frustration boiled within Rhaenyra, reaching its peak as it consumed her. She took a step forward, bitterness invading her. "So, it is Alicent, isn't it? The reason you're pulling away from me. Ivestragon issa se truth! (Tell me the truth)”

Caught off guard by the intensity of Rhaenyra’s accusation, you struggled to find the right words. Your resolve faltered as Rhaenyra closed the distance between you, tauntingly brushing her lips against yours. The air crackled with tension as you resisted the urge to surrender to the magnetic pull between them. Every fiber of your being yearned for the taste of her lips, but you held back.

Rhaenyra's voice, now laced with defiance and desire, whispered against your lips, "If you truly feel nothing, then prove it. Kiss me, and let me see the truth in your eyes."

Your heart pounded in your chest, torn between pining and self-restraint. With an anguished sigh, you mustered all your strength to resist. "No, Rhaenyra," You managed to utter, thick with longing. "I can't. Not when it's tearing us apart."

Rhaenyra's eyes blazed with pure frustration as she stepped back, hurt etched across her face. “You deny me even this," she whispered.

As Rhaenyra turned away, your heart shattered into fragments, the weight of your.. unresolved emotions seemed to suffocate the room.

"Tell me, then. Tell me why you can't give me what I need," Rhaenyra demanded.

A pained expression crossed your face. "Rhaenyra, it's not about Alicent," you confessed. “You deserve so much better. I believe there are great things awaiting you, and I fear that I would only hold you back, trapping you.”

Rhaenyra's eyes filled with determination as she shook her head. "Bullshit. I don't just want you to love me," she pleaded. "I want to love you. I want to make you happy. I know I can. Please, Y/N, don't push me away."

Tears welled up in your eyes as you looked into Rhaenyra's pleading gaze, seeing her unwavering commitment. It was a choice you had to make, torn between your fears and the overwhelming desire to be with the one who held your heart. You took a deep breath.

"You have an extraordinary capacity to love, and I know you could give me everything. But I can't bear the thought of holding you back. I fear that if we do this, I will be the one who hinders your path, who keeps you from reaching your fullest potential. You are the princess of the Realm, everyone has expectations. We could never be together.”

Rhaenyra reached out, gently taking your hand. "You're wrong," she said. "I want to be by your side. The blood of the dragon courses through our veins, connecting us in a way that no one could even fathom. Even if you were a commoner, I would love you the same. Please.”

“Princess..—“

"Fuck it," Rhaenyra proclaimed. “To the realm and to the gods, I say damn them all. The opinions and expectations of others hold no sway over the love I have for you."

Your heart throbbed as you felt the weight of Rhaenyra's love, stirring a longing deep within. Not because it was too much, but because you felt every single ounce of that love for her in return, it ached like a bitch because you were just as madly in love with her, yet you knew better, and you were the one with the strongest will here. You had to do what was right.

"I'm sorry," you finally uttered. It was a bittersweet.

Rhaenyra's pleading attempts ceased, and a sadness settled upon both your features. You watched as her figure receded from your sight.

Would it really killed you if you kissed?

—

Alicent glared at Otto from across the dining table, her narrowed eyes seething. She found his suggestion completely absurd and it made her blood boil. "What?" she countered.

Otto maintained his composure despite her clear frustration. "What? Your brother would be a perfect suitor for Lady Y/N. He would make an excellent husband for her, and they would ensure the continuation of our house's lineage in case anything catastrophic were to happen."

Alicent scoffed, dismissing his words with a hint of condescension. "My brother and Y/N are strangers to each other," she retorted haughtily, shaking her head dismissively, indulging an old habit of picking her nails.

Otto was undeterred. "Their lack of familiarity is irrelevant," he declared in a stern and grave tone, befitting his commitment to this notion. "Do you realistically think that she would ever marry you? You dwell in a world of mere fantasy, Alicent.”

His words struck her like a weighty load, shattering her equanimity and leaving her feeling incredulous. The mere thought of Y/N being whisked away to wed her own sibling was simply inconceivable, given such an alternative.

"You can't be serious," she said, her voice trembling with anger and disappointment. “Do you not take my feelings into account at all?”

He began, trying to reason with her. "Pragmatism must dictate that we prioritize the welfare of our house over sentimentality."

"I simply can't believe you would even contemplate sacrificing Y/n's happiness.”

“It’s not as if you will cease warming up her bed. I would expect you to do so, out of respect for your brother.” Alicent derided. Otto emitted a heavy sigh, evidently exasperated by their discourse. "I realize your attachment to her, Alicent," he articulated, trying to console her. "However, we must undertake what is imperative to secure the future of our House. The union between Gwayne and Lady Y/n is the optimal approach to achieve that objective. Considering the ongoing war, we require an alliance through marriage.”

“She will not betray us, she will not betray Aegon. Yet, what if she flees once she discovers your attempt to betroth her to Gwayne?”

“At that point, you will intervene. You will persuade her.”

“No. I refuse. I am no longer willing to be a pawn in your machinations, I am no longer inclined to blindly accede to all your pronouncements. Especially when it concerns her,” she declared with resolute detachment, departing from the chamber.

She would not endure it, not anymore.

—

As Aegon dismissed Otto as his Hand, a sense of.. disquiet seized you. You had never harbored any fondness for Cole; he embodied a callousness that paid no heed to the sanctity of human existence.

You recalled the incident from years past, the altercation between him and your deceased brother's paramour, Ser Joffrey. The brutality with which he met his untimely demise — where was the justice in that?

The Queen, to your everlasting chagrin, extended her clemency to him. The matter still gnawed at you.

Notwithstanding the imminent repercussions, you knew you had to assert yourself. "Your Grace, might I proffer the suggestion of appointing another as Hand of the King?"

"And whom would you propose, my lady? Someone unswayed by the caprices of my mother & grandsire?" he sneered.

"A candidate endowed with level-headedness and commitment to the welfare of the realm," you conveyed.

“And who might that be? Do you have a suitable choice in mind?" he inquired, his tone on the verge of hostility.

"Perhaps you might contemplate appointing Lord Lannister in his stead, Your Grace. Cole is a volatile and impetuous individual, his mental state perennially awry."

"I am the King, and I shall act in accordance with my own discretion. Cole has safeguarded me since my infancy.”

"I beseech only for the best interests of the realm, Your Grace.” you asserted.

“I may well have another candidate in mind. Another that has been there for me since I was but a babe.” he persisted, perplexing you as you raised an eyebrow. “You.”

You widened your eyes, uncertain of how to respond.

“The Lords rejected Rhaenyra as their Queen, for she was a woman. I believe the same holds true for me, in this situation, Your Grace. The Council will not accept it.”

“I was my father first male descendant. You have demonstrated your loyalty. You possess the aptitudes befitting the station.”

“I am deeply honored, Aegon.”

“I’m not doing it to honor you. I need you, Y/N.” Aegon frankly let on.

—

Otto, flabbergasted by the news of Aegon appointing you as Hand of the King, bellowed at Larys in disbelief, "Is he truly out of his mind? Appointing a woman? A bastard? This is preposterous!"

Unbeknownst to them, Alicent had been discreetly eavesdropping on their conversation, her curiosity piqued by their heated exchange. No one has told her anything yet.

“The young King yearns for the tender affection only a mother can provide. His own subjected him to physical abuse whenever an opportunity arose. He desperately craves the presence of someone who will stand by his side, devoted to him and his remaining family."

“He cares not for his sister's well-being. His focus lies in seeking retribution for his son and ensuring the protection of his daughter. Yet he keeps whoring around.”

Nodding, Larys acknowledged Otto's point, "Indeed, my lord. For the time being, it is imperative that Haleana conceive a male heir swiftly. We cannot afford a repeat of past circumstances. And as for Y/N, it still astounds me that she chose to remain in King's Landing. Her supposed loyalty, tainted by her illegitimate blood, proved to be far from steadfast.”

Otto, deep in thought, mused, "One wonders how long her loyalty will endure. Complete trust in her is an ill-advised notion. Hence, my intention to unite her with my son through marriage."

He continued, "It appears that we will be unable to rid ourselves of her presence anytime soon.“

“She is well aware of the consequences should she attempt to flee. She understands the gravity of risking her parents’ reputation.”

Nodding in agreement, Larys replied, “What is the life of a bastard girl against a Kingdom?”

“You ought to maintain a respectful distance from her. The Dowager Queen.” With a subtle hint, he added, “Though your private meetings have proven advantageous for us, allow some time to elapse,” Otto suggested, “and then gradually rekindle your visits to her. Adapt your approach, my lord, and let your actions speak of change.”

Meanwhile, Alicent found herself at a loss for words. Not because of your new appointment, but rather due to the revelation that you were a bastard — a fact she had been unaware of until now. The questions swirled in her mind. Had you been ignorant of your own heritage? No, you knew. Had you intentionally kept it hidden, a testament to the lack of trust you placed in her? Moreover, the realization that her father was willing to subject her to the clutches of such a monstrous individual struck her like a blow. She couldn’t shake off the feeling of being treated as nothing more than a disposable rag doll. It left her feeling sickened to her core.

—

The next morning, you found yourself in the library of the Red Keep, meticulously gathering books on the previous Hands of the King. Though the selection was limited, one particular tome caught your eye—a fascinating account of Septon Barth, the trusted confidant of King Jaehaerys. In his forty years of service, he had amassed immense wisdom and prosperity. You hoped to glean some of that insight to fulfill your newfound role.

As you delved into your reading, the Queen Dowager entered the room, acknowledging the two caretakers present. Thankfully, Aemond, who has been a source of tension between you, was absent, deviating from his usual habit. The wounds inflicted by his actions were still fresh, and he knew it.

Alicent took a seat in front of you, and you stole a glance at her, sensing her commanding presence. Addressing her affectionately, your eyes remained fixed on the text before you.

"My love?" you called out, your attention split between her and the book.

"Y/N, I must discuss important matters with you," she said, causing you to look up and find an expression on her face that left you puzzled—was it disbelief?

"Aegon believed it best to make the announcement today. I should have informed you immediately; it wasn't meant to be a secret—" you began, but Alicent interrupted, clearly preoccupied with something other than your appointment as Hand.

"Secrets still linger between us," she lamented, her words striking a chord. You raised an eyebrow, studying her closely. In that moment, as you observed her intently, Alicent's anger dissipated, her countenance softened. She stopped herself from being harsh or reproachful because she recognized your worth and understood that you had your reasons for not divulging the “news” earlier, just as she had her own with the unsavory affair involving Larys. Fear, rejection, shame... Alicent would wait for you, at your own pace. You were in a good phase of your relationship, and she didn't want to spoil it.

"Alicent?" your voice seemed distant, and seconds later, she snapped back to reality, meeting your concerned gaze. You had gently placed your hand on top of hers.

"Uh, yes, don't worry about it. I comprehend the need for an official announcement. It's not a major issue. By the way, congratulations, my lady. My son has made his first wise decision during his reign."

"Thank you for your understanding."

"Y/N... my father intends to betroth my brother Gwayne to you," she confided.

"What?" you replied, astonishment etched on you.

Alicent heaved a weary sigh. "He just mentioned it now. As you know, I vehemently opposed the idea and argued with him. However, he appears resolute... though I doubt that impulse will persist now that you hold the position of Hand.”

Otto's prior blackmail had already strained your patience, and now this? It was the final straw.

"Why would your father propose a marriage between your brother and me? What does he stand to gain?"

"A formidable alliance. A dragon."

"But you've already tamed the dragon," you quipped, injecting a hint of humor to alleviate the tension. She let out a soft chuckle.

"Let's speak seriously, Y/N."

"I am being serious. I won't entertain the idea, and I believe you know that. So, your father shouldn't harbor false hopes or attempt to orchestrate anything, as it would be in vain."

"He commanded me to persuade you into accepting, but I made it abundantly clear that I am no longer his puppet. I would never force you into something like that, or any other situation, for that matter," Alicent assured you sincerely.

"So, your father needs to witness us tangled in the sheets to understand that we have no interest in men, then?" you punned, pretending to maintain a serious tone.

"Quite amusing," she remarked.

"In that case, I'll go and request your hand in marriage, and he better give his blessing if he hopes to solidify an alliance with House Velaryon," you continued jokingly, momentarily casting aside the weight of your true parentage. Alicent played along, offering a lighthearted response.

“That might partially appease him," she replied, a hint of amusement dancing in her eyes.

—

The afternoon was shrouded in clouds, casting a somber hue upon the castle, it’s become regular. As the weeks passed, Haleana gradually regained strength, alleviating the burden that had weighed her down. A difficult decision was made to safeguard her little remaining daughter, Jahaera, sending her away from the capital in secret until the storm subsided.

Haleana seldom granted others access. With you, trust came naturally.

You reminisced about the days when she spoke passionately about her fascination with insects, marveling at their intricacies as if they held the key to an enigmatic world.

There was an unmistakable resemblance between Haleana & Rhaenyra, not just in their physical features, but also in the gaze they shared.

"Have you ever considered taking a ride on our dragons?" you asked, a warm smile gracing you. The question caught her off guard, and her surprise was evident. "I've always believed that Dreamfyre and Silverwing would get along splendidly."

"I thought that was an adventure reserved for my brothers or nephews," she responded, a hint of regret coloring her words. Your expression shifted to one of sorrow.

"I would cherish the opportunity to embark on such an adventure with you. It's invigorating to embrace new experiences, don't you agree?" Sympathetically, Haleana nodded.

"Sometimes, I find myself wondering... how different my life would have been if my mother had accepted the marriage between Jaecerys and me," she mused. Intrigued, you looked at her intently. "Perhaps all of this chaos would have been averted, or it might not even be happening at all." A profound silence enveloped the room as you pondered her words. "Aegon would have chosen another to be his wife. His claim would have remained intact. Although it was never his desire."

"Jace would have made you the happiest lady in the Seven Kingdoms. I am certain of it," you responded with genuine conviction.

"He is a fine young man. Baela deserves him. While I don't know your nieces well, I sense their exceptional nature. And Rhaena... she would have been happy too, with Luke," she concluded.

“Perhaps in another life. A life where everything is vastly different, and everyone finds their happily ever after."

“You can still find yours, Y/N. With my mother. I know how deeply she loves you."

"And I love her dearly, my dear."

"That's how love should feel, shouldn't it? Strolling through a meadow adorned with vibrant flowers, the sun's gentle warmth caressing your skin, and the rhythm of your beloved's heartbeat becoming the sweet melody that intertwines with the songs of birds and the whispers of the breeze." Haleana's words wove a tapestry of melancholic memories, transporting you back to that fateful day when you and Alicent wandered through fields together. It was a moment of pure bliss, witnessed by Haleana as if she herself had experienced it. She had never seen her mother happier or more content than in that fleeting spring day with you.

You harbored no ill will toward Aegon, but sadness washed over you, knowing that your dear Haleana deserved such joy. Yet, her husband, could never grant her that.

"Oh, my precious girl. I just know that destiny has something extraordinary in store for you.” You promised.

—

The first “triumph” achieved as the Hand was the proposal of a visionary strategy aimed at streamlining the movement of your father's fleet, which had hindered access to vital maritime trade routes. The Stepstones, although not officially under the jurisdiction of the Iron Throne, presented an opportunity for persuasion through ceding those islands. It wasn't a relinquishment of your rightful territory, merely a diplomatic maneuver. Furthermore, understanding the need for improved communication and collaboration, you pledged to establish a place for dialogue and understanding within the Royal Court, bridging the gap between continents.

While they ultimately acquiesced to your terms, a surge of apprehension appeared, concerned about the potential loss of your father's loyal soldiers for the accord you had forged.

In one of the sessions, Cole brazenly voiced a controversial opinion, advocating for the immediate decapitation of all those who had voiced support for Rhaenyra. "We cannot stoop to the level of cold-blooded murder," you countered, asserting your stance.

"It is a display of weakness to spare them," Cole persisted, his attack directed at you. "They won't alter their convictions, my lady. And we both know you lack the fortitude to make the necessary decisions," he taunted.

"Choose your words wisely, Lord Commander," the King interjected. Turning towards you, he desperately sought your counsel. "What then, do you suggest we do with them, lady Y/N?"

"Let them be confined in their cells, treated fairly according to their standing. Over time, they will have no choice but to reassess their allegiances. This is not coddling; it is an act of mercy, granting them the chance to witness our aversion to wanton destruction of the Kingdom. By abstaining from vengeance and sparing the lives of their Lords and Ladies, we deny their Houses the fuel for hatred and the thirst for revenge," you concluded, your head held high, while Alicent regarded you with pride. The others in the room appeared disinterested, some offering merely subtle nods.

"May they not test my patience before its very limits," Aegon declared.

Larys, ever the opportunist, interjected himself back into the Council's affairs, asserting his indispensability to prevent the King's reign from crumbling, given his vast network of connections and cunning. He extended an apology to Alicent and maintained a cautious distance from her. Though you despised his proximity, the King accepted him once more.

"If he dares to approach or even glance at you, I shall shatter his face, again.” you exclaimed in annoyance after a meeting. Alicent embraced you, placing her head gently upon your shoulder.

"I know you will always defend my honor. Yet, the last thing I desire is to see you harmed," she whispered softly in your ear.

"He doesn't intimidate me."

"It is not he, directly, that concerns me. He wields influence, and I dread any ill befalling you 'by accident,' my love."

"Do you believe he is foolish enough to attempt it? Or dispatch someone to inflict harm upon me? A Targaryen?" you spoke your mother's name with a hint of double meaning. "I possess a dragon, my dear. And it has been far too long since it relished a hearty feast."

Both you and Alicent found peace in the knowledge that Daeron remained in Oldtown under the care of Ormund Hightower, Alicent's uncle.

Though you missed him deeply, you understood the stakes involved and the perils that would accompany his presence. While he possessed the skills to join the fray and potentially assist his brother, you strictly forbade his participation. Being the dutiful child he was, Daeron honored your wishes and refrained from soaring upon Tessarion's wings.

You knew that safeguarding Daeron's life and ensuring his continued growth were paramount.

—

Rhaenyra found herself at a loss, her mind tangled in a web of uncertainty. She couldn't fathom your involvement in the recent assault against her family, and yet news of your ascension had reached even the shores of Dragonstone. Leaving her taken aback.

However, despite the tempest raging within her since Luke’s murder, she resolved not to advance towards King's Landing. Her paramount concern was to protect you.. She hesitated to unleash fire and blood upon the capital, fearing that in doing so, you would inevitably become entangled in the conflict. And she simply could not bear the thought of Daemon attempting to extinguish your life once and for all. Even amidst the chaos, you remained one of her utmost priorities.

No, she would never allow that.

With a heavy heart burdened by the weight of her decisions, she made a resolute choice. Little Y/N, would be sent to the Vale, seeking sanctuary in the alliance with Lady Arryn. She contemplated extending the same protection to her two younger sons, Viserys and Aegon, convinced by Rhaenys. Together, they were dispatched to the impregnable Eyrie, escorted by her most loyal knights. She had to keep them safe, even if it meant enduring separation for an extended period.

In those moments of respite from the maelstrom that engulfed her, she found doted on the presence of her lovely baby. Rhaenyra cherished those precious, tender moments, cradling and soothing her, listening to the gentle cadence of her breathing as she slumbered. It was during these tranquil interludes that brief moments of calm pierced through the chaos, if only for a short while.

"Nyke gīmigon bony tubis, issa beloved hāedar, y/n jāhor rhaenagon ao. Se ziry jāhor find isse ao nykeā beacon hen jorrāelagon se ōños. (I know that one day, my beloved girl, Y/N will meet you. And she will find in you a beacon of love and light)” she whispered like an incantation every day, her voice heavy with longing. Thoughts of you occupied her heart.

The Black Queen yearned to see you, to trace the contours of your face with her fingers, to have you by her side. Yet, at the same time, she harbored a profound fear of encountering you. In your presence, she felt her strength waver, her resolve crumble. For you, she would relinquish any crown, any throne, any war. Such vulnerability was deemed unfitting by her advisors and those who depended on her.

Within her being, an immense wound festered, a wound that you had inflicted upon her when you were but fifteen. Instead of healing over time, this wound had grown into an abyss, a constant reminder. Time, it seemed, held no power to mend such a deep-seated hurt.

Resentment seeped into the depths of Rhaenyra's heart. In her time of dire need, when she required your support, you had turned your back and departed. The days stretched on, devoid of your return, and still, she waited.

She acknowledged the mistakes she had made, the pain her actions had inflicted upon you. To some extent, she understood the weight of your burden. Thoughts of writing you a heartfelt letter, an apology permeated her mind. Perhaps, within its ink-stained confines, she could offer a chance to escape together with her children. But she knew such a decision would be born of selfishness and one-sided desires. No words could ever be enough to bridge the chasm that had grown between you. So, with tears streaming down, she tore the unfinished letters into tiny fragments, tossing them into the fireplace. In the solitude of the night, her sobs mingled with the crackling of the burning paper, as her lonely shadow offered the only companionship.

Perhaps, she mused, expressing her feelings face to face would be easier, carrying far more significance than mere ink on a page. Perhaps, by looking into your eyes, she could convey the depth of her emotions without anything or anyone standing in the way.

Still, she continued to wait.

—

Your war strategies proved futile in preventing Cole from devising his own tactics.

"Your Grace," you exclaimed, "Ser Arryk was a knight of great valor and loyalty. Sending him on this mission was a grave mistake."

"I knew you would not understand. Hence, I did not seek your counsel or opinion," he retorted.

"This could have quelled the rebellion. We had nothing to lose by attempting it," Lord Lannister chimed in.

You bit your tongue, suppressing any inappropriate outburst. Alicent, always perceptive, averted her gaze, shielding you from betraying your emotions.

But you would never have consented or condoned such an act. You harbored no desire for harm to befall the Blacks, which, given your position, may seem redundant.

"My lady, do not make me regret the choices I've made. This goes beyond honor and mercy. We are in the midst of war, and severing the snake's head swiftly is imperative," he admonished.

"And who was the intended target?" you demanded.

"Her bastards. Whoever he could reach first," he coldly replied.

Once again, you clenched your teeth, biding your time until the meeting concluded, yearning for a breath of fresh air.

Days passed without any attack from Rhaenyra.

After capturing Rosby and Stokeworth, and subsequently sacking Duskendale, Cole's next move was toward Rook's Rest—a revelation that reached your ears belatedly.

It was evident to you, in an instant, that it was a trap. Rhaenyra would not risk her children's lives to rescue Lord Staunton, and Daemon remained entrenched in Harrenhal. It would likely be Rhaenys, your mother, who would extend her aid.

Once again, you found yourself kept in the dark. Hastily, you penned a letter, forewarning the Blacks of the impending danger, imploring them not to offer assistance this time. But alas, it was too late.

Vhagar and Sunfyre were absent from the capital, prompting you to hasten to your mother's aid. Mounting Silverwing for the first time in months, apprehension and fear coursed through you as she soared with newfound speed, astonishing for a dragon of her age.

Your heart trembled in your hands, fully aware that Meleys would stand no chance against two fully grown dragons—perhaps against Vhagar, but along Sunfyre, none at all.

In that moment, loyalty to the Greens vanished from your thoughts. Everything faded away, and all that remained was the determination to arrive in time and thwart the brewing catastrophe.

Finally, you reached the scene, observing the battle unfold just below. The castle was besieged, with archers and men-at-arms scattered throughout. Your attention was drawn to the massive scorpions pointed skyward, ready to strike their target.

Anxiety surged within you as the dragons were nowhere to be seen. Then, as if the gods granted a brief respite, the clouds parted, and there emerged your mother. But where were the Targaryen siblings?

"No, mother," you whispered, overwhelmed and unsure of how to proceed, the chaos engulfing you.

Rhaenys immediately noticed your presence, guiding her dragon closer to yours. "My dearest child, my firstborn," she murmured.

"Mother! It's a trap, a trap! Retreat immediately, leave!" you cried out with all the strength that remained, your voice echoing through the air. There was no trace of anger or resentment in her eyes; only joy at seeing you once more.

The Red Queen, already bore the marks of numerous arrows lodged in her body.

You knew well that your mother would never retreat like a coward, for she possessed a spirit untamed by fear. In a swift motion, she turned Meleys, just as Aegon and Aemond descended upon them, emanating an aura of ferocity.

You longed to match that swiftness, to come to her aid, but Silverwing suffered a direct hit from an iron bolt in her left wing. Cole had clearly ordered his forces to target you as well. Arrows rained down upon you, forcing you to dodge and weave, desperately trying to evade them. Yet, one pierced your lung, stealing your breath. You realized you had neglected to wear the necessary armor for this encounter. Another bolt found its mark near Silverwing's neck, followed by yet another in the same spot. The dragon let out a pained roar, losing balance and preventing you from directing her toward the unfolding battle just miles away.

Silverwing unleashed her fury upon the battlefield, her fiery breath engulfing the enemy forces. Hundreds of men met their demise. The bowmen, with their weapons raised, were reduced to ashes in mere moments. Even Criston, fell before your dragon’s wrath.

With determination, you attempted once more to guide her closer to the red dragon, but an arrow found its mark in your spine, searing pain through your body. You hadn't given a thought to your own safety, consumed by the urgency to save your mother. Silverwing's descent was inevitable, her ability to take flight hindered by a sky enveloped in smoke and flames. The three dragons vanished from plain sight.

Had you been there, there might have been a glimmer of hope. With you, perhaps the outcome could have been different.

The assault on Silverwing ceased, and with a gentle pat on her back, you dismounted, running toward your mother, oblivious to the agony that coursed through you. There was no one with her.

In those fleeting moments of desperate hope, you believed she might still be alive, battered but breathing. You yearned for her to utter one of her comforting phrases, to wrap your arms around her, shielding her from anyone who sought to harm her. As you sprinted toward her, beseeching every god known to you—the old ones, the new ones—for a miracle, you clung to that hope.

Meleys lay lifeless, shattered by the fall, her broken form strewn across the ground. And nearby, another figure, charred and unrecognizable, lay motionless. It could have been someone else, anyone else. But you knew it.

You fell to your knees before them, tears pooling in your eyes, refusing to accept the reality that unfolded before you. Despite knowing deep down, you held on to denial, unwilling to acknowledge that the figure before you was your mother.

Silhouettes began to gather around, the hushed whispers of onlookers enveloping you. But you could not tear yourself away from her side. The world around you blurred.

Your heart bled. The war had claimed its toll yet again, and the price paid was your beloved mother.

~~~~~~~~~~

Taglist: @nnightskiess @loveislove4 @evattude @lethal-minds @sophiexoxsblog @claymoresword @tired-ninfa @glorioushamsterqueen @alicenter @newcaptainofsquad9 @pindoris @oh-thats-cute @rxscpctals @laenordeservedbetter @voniikg @bugwritesstuff @letlovee-in @urmomsgirlfriend1 @valenciavv @the-camilucha @joliettes

[rosesfox]

♡ about the journey of jacks' feelings towards evangeline. ♡

for me, the feelings between evajacks were obvious during the first two books. i have always maintained that their feelings began in ouabh and only developed further in tbona, especially considering that the events in the two books happen very close to each other.

there are several hints of how jacks feels. from the beginning he just doesn't want to get attached to eva and that's why he's constantly pulling away. there are passages that show how he doesn't want her to touch him, of him purposefully moving away but not being able to fight the concern he feels towards her, of him feeling attraction and trying to let it go, and we even have him talking to eva that ''that between them'' would not end well, as he always knew that the two were heading towards a path of no return. but he ends up falling in love. this has already been established.

this, too, is what sets eva apart from all the other girls. jacks' reluctance to get close to eva so as not to kill her was precisely what makes her so special in his story. he truly loved her and put her before himself and his desires to keep her safe. and for him, especially after having seen her die, the idea of hurting her was inconceivable. he wanted her to have a life, he wanted her to live, even if it wasn't with him. guys, this is love.

he literally chooses to give his heart in exchange for something that would keep evangeline safe forever, and in addition he wants to set this same heart on fire because this way he would be able to let her go. because he knows he would always come back. he couldn't stay away from her.

it is said in the book that it is one of the reasons why evangeline was able to kiss him. jacks having loved her so deeply that he didn't want to risk harming her was one of the main factors in her not dying, as evangeline's love alone wouldn't be enough. so, it makes perfect sense that he didn't fight for her love.

this was actually one of my biggest doubts in relation to acftl: what would motivate him to fight for her when he didn't believe he could stay with her?, and he is doing exactly the opposite at the same time as he can't stay away from her and finds excuses and pretexts to stay close. i couldn't have doubted his love with so many passionate declarations, and after seeing him fight so hard to keep her safe, seeing him physically suffer from not being with her, seeing him almost cry more than once with the idea of having to leave her.

i think the way stephanie decided to end the story makes a lot of sense because i couldn't find a reason why jacks would fight to be with her, because he loved her too much for that. and evangeline knowing his heart and understanding how broken he was and still choosing to fight for him is something very, very beautiful.

(it is also shown in this same chapter that he knew that in some capacity evangeline wanted him, just as evangeline knows that jacks, in some capacity, also wanted her and was always protecting her and coming back to her. jacks says that everything what he would need to do to keep her away from apollo would be to remind her that she wanted to be with him, so technically there isn't much for him to fight for. you know, this wasn't stephanie's biggest concern as it had already been established.

i also think it's important to highlight that evangeline also always knew that the biggest challenge wouldn't be having his affection, but making him want to give up the idea of protecting her and simply kiss her. her plan was to literally kiss him and not die because she trusted his and her feelings so much lol)

[saintsenara]

thank you very much for the ask, anon! it turned out that questions 1 and 2 sent me a bit feral, so they're queued up in a separate post... allowing this one to focus on the unhinged and deranged potential of ronius.

which - i'll be honest - is not quite as unhinged and deranged as one might think...

although my answer about it as a pure crackship would be influenced by a headcanon i remain committed to purely for my own amusement that harry is the only person who believes sirius to be unfathomably good-looking pre-azkaban [the girl in the defence against the dark arts exam was actually checking out lily! harry saw what he wanted to see!] and still retaining vestiges of these magnificent looks after it.

i like the idea of ron - canonically a real hottie himself - not being entirely sure what all the fuss is about, not least because sirius hasn't seen a dentist in fifteen years. harry's sighing every night about how lucky ron is while everyone else pats sirius on the back for bagging himself a tall and sporty legend with great hair, a chill personality, and a fourteen-inch wand.

but my more serious response to this ship would be that it joins the pile - with snon and ronmort - which are made plausible by the fact that ron is, at heart, someone who cares.

in goblet of fire, harry, ron, and hermione all have broadly similar views of sirius - that he's a clever, sensible adult who can be trusted to help them with the mystery they find themselves in. ron is reassured that harry tells sirius about his scar hurting, for example, because he thinks it's a given that sirius will know what to do about it - and he believes that any information sirius gives harry throughout this book is completely above reproach.

ron also clearly thinks that sirius is cool - him trying to get sirius to agree with him that hermione's passion for house elf rights is ridiculous very much has the vibe of him wanting sirius to acknowledge him as a sophisticated man-of-the-world; which him being pissed-off when sirius suggests the trio are too young to understand what things were like in the first war also illustrates.

[which i think sirius respects him for - he obviously admires a bit of bolshiness, and he also obviously adores the loyalty ron and hermione have for harry.]

and so i think that you can absolutely imagine ron developing a little crush on sirius - to go with his broader bisexual awakening over viktor krum - during his fourth year.

more interestingly, though, is that the trio's view of sirius diverges in order of the phoenix.

in harry's case, there is a reversal of the reasonably uncomplicated parent-child dynamic of goblet of fire, as sirius' depression - as well as the regression he feels from being stuck in his childhood home - robs him of the capacity to provide harry with the paternal emotional support he needs. instead, harry ends up being the one taking the adult role in their relationship - viewing it as his responsibility to be the sensible one in order to keep sirius safe.

hermione notices this role-reversal, but her view is broadly that sirius would be able to restrain his emotional instability if he simply tried hard enough. she's the one of the three who thinks that sirius' grimmauld-place-induced regression is accompanied by a desire to relive his glory days with harry standing in for james - and while both she and harry find sirius' more reckless behaviour [such as his suggestion that he might come to hogsmeade to see them] frightening, hermione evidently regards it as reckless arrogance, while harry sees it as reckless desperation.

ron - on the other hand - approaches order-era sirius not from the adult position in an adult-child dynamic, but as a peer.

he's the member of the trio who best understands the impact feeling useless to the war effort, lonely, and trapped has on sirius, without adding the qualification that he should be an adult and deal with it [which has the negative result that he's easily convinced that harry's vision of sirius in the department of mysteries is real, because he thinks it's completely plausible that sirius would have left the house and been captured].

he has no time for the idea that sirius views harry as indistinguishable from james, or that sirius is deliberately or childishly reckless. he's the only one of the three to give sirius the credit of listening to dumbledore and working to keep himself and harry safe - even if he doesn't like what he has to endure in order to do this. he treats sirius as someone who deserves to not be condescended to and to be acknowledged as having authority in his own house - for example, when he tells hermione that she needs to respect sirius' justification for why kreacher can't be manumitted when he thinks she intends to give him clothes for christmas [that hermione is completely right that slaves should be freed is by-the-by here].

he also understands harry's grief over sirius' death - and what sirius meant to harry - far more instinctively than hermione. but he's also the only one of the trio who really gets how sirius was understood by the order more widely - for example, he's the only one of the three who correctly points out that tonks didn't actually know sirius well enough for the intensity of grief harry and hermione are ascribing to her to be plausible. while harry - completely understandably - sees sirius as so important in his own life that he can't help but imagine him as the central figure in the life of everyone he encounters [which is unrelatedly interesting in that it's how each of the three marauders saw james], ron has a more pragmatic, big-picture view of him as a man. a good man - absolutely - and a fun and clever and admirable one, but still a man like any other.

ron understanding sirius - but not idolising him - creates a pretty strong potential for a relationship between them in a world in which sirius survives into the trio's adulthoods. this is especially the case when this understanding is combined with the fact that ron is shown - throughout the series - to be very good at providing comfort.

sirius survives azkaban and his time on the run through sheer, desperate resilience - but, as his collapse when he's back at grimmauld place shows, this resilience can't keep his demons at bay when he's not just fighting, at the most basic level, to stay alive.

if he survives the war, then he - like his narrative mirror, snape - is going to find himself feeling terrified and unmoored and completely unsure about who he is and what he'll do in a world in which voldemort is dead - and i suspect that his self-destruction would be extraordinary.

ron - alone of the trio - has the capacity to understand how sirius would end up in a place where "all was well" is more frightening to him than the potential of dying any minute. and he also has the capacity to provide an anchoring force through cups of tea and chit-chat which makes sirius think it might be possible to survive the day... and then the week... and then the month - which can then transition into him having the capacity to understand the big questions of guilt and grief and love and loyalty which define sirius' adult life.

so yes. i back it entirely.

[liminsendhelp]

The extremity of cruelty

Hannibal is a very clever man. But still a man, much to his regret.

A tale of an orderly beating up a therapist.

First posted on 6 January 2023 with the caption: "The first completed work of mine. It has been lying untouched for a very long time. 2021.09.22"

Hannibal, no fool, was always ready to snap out of his seat, grow a new wall, and slip into the next socially acceptable role. Collected, liberated by years of revealing his essence, confident in the unforeseen, knowing everything ahead of time. But who is ready for that? Being reborn hurt like hell. And there was little to make out in the seething horde of traumatising feelings. Two seconds, moments. Two discernible counts of their's ascent, palpable in the blinding air, embedded in memory.

One. Horns sprawled and stabbed their bodies, smoldering in seconds, moments of one growing into the other, wings tearing their backs, forgotten, moulded to the falling contour. Dust, covering them in an tight cocoon, ingrained, dividing their sin equally on each shoulder.

Two. The cold water burning his breath, the pervasive stupor, the fear of losing the only creature dear to him. All preparedness, forethought, experience, could not keep the fleeting thoughts of Will's death from agony. Without time to catch his breath he dived, counting down the seconds to brain death without oxygen. Three minutes from hitting the water, five, ten. Someone was calling his name, and in the turbulent water, voices distorted multiple times. From the bottom, big bright eyes stared up at him, fragile hands reaching out, not to pick him up, but to push him out.

Hannibal sits on the shore and does not exist. A wreck instead of a man. The shore is empty.

There are no people on it and it is empty.

A scrap of mind torn from the body, that's what it has become. The water seems like ink, and Hannibal thinks that if it were bloody, the light of the moon would take away its colour.

His eyes are dry and his body is cold. There is no warmth in him, the life has held its breath, holding barely. He breathes deeply, allows himself to think. Hannibal has been called mad too many times in his life, but to see this new address is not allowed to anyone. There is only the outgrown hopes, the feelings, the quiet rustling of slick wings, black and tarred. Everything that hasn't left him, hasn't been confused. Even if Will is dead a shell, to carry a part of him to the grave would be an honour. Hannibal senses his capacity for emotion, for interpretation, for imagination. He sees so clearly, let him look nowhere. Hannibal rises only when he hears the crunch of twigs. A deep breath to get used to the fullness of the sensation of space, a long inhale with his nose to sniff. Someone is here, close by, in the blood. Not Will. Hannibal moves quickly, moving further into the woods. Picks up a weighty rock and silently approaches the source of the smell. The woman wheezes, crunching again, no longer from branches, but from her neck snapping. Two seconds, slowing Hannibal down. Two seconds of frame-by-frame footage. Chiyo is dead and he's next. Curls. Light curls sticking to his forehead, frowning eyebrows, gun. Will takes the Walther from Chiyo's weakened fingers, stands up, aims it at Hannibal's head precisely.

"I'm out of here." "Good." Sips Hannibal, releasing the stone to the ground. "You've clearly made your intention clear to me. "You must realise that this bond will eat me up if I stay. Even faster than you will. Will." So ungodly he smiles, curves his lips to the side, sounds even. Making jokes, killing moment by moment. His creation, alive and stabbing. "In three years, I was able to reconstruct a picture of what happened in Florence. I could feel your desire to kill her, the possessiveness hidden behind layers of anger and longing." "Your pain in my hands was art, again not my own." Hannibal nods understandingly. "And I chose to close that need." His voice is flat, but Will is clearly laughing. He lowers the gun. Hannibal hums, running his tongue over his split lip before he speaks: "By fulfilling my purpose." "No. By granting the impossible." They stare at each other, unable to revel in their last encounter. Hannibal walks towards him, and Will stays where he is. A hand rests on his cheek, and he is allowed to do so. Hannibal reaches for Will's free palm, brings it to his mouth. Kisses the inside. Covers his eyes, takes it in, realises he won't let go. The crunch of twigs behind him, the chill at the back of his neck. Hannibal opens his eyes, and sees remorse. Will gives Chiyo. And accepts it. Hannibal, not being a fool, was prepared for anything. But Will always knew how to surprise.

Shot.

…

Matthew runs. He hasn't stopped lately. He reaches out to Mr Graham, pacing the cell during their meetings, bemoaning the failure. The horror, the flaw, the shame. He's failed, lost, failed to be better, and won't be anything. He can't be useful, and it kills. He cannot be forgiven in any way. But Mr Graham forgives and walks away. And there's no colour left.

He doesn't count how much time has passed. It doesn't seem like much, but it's not just another agent who comes to his interrogation cell. The world comes back to life when Matthew notices him, focusing sharply on the man. Air enters with alternating success. Will sits, relaxedly flipping through the case files. Will, with a tragic crease on his forehead, clear eyes and magnificent coils of hair. "Breathe, Mr Brown," he laughs, lowering his head

Matthew explodes in his body, dying at the direct look, the slight smile at the corner of Will's lips. He runs to him. And Will responds in kind.

"I came to apologise, you know." Will declares in one of their meetings. Laughing off the previous conversation, Matthew looks up, slightly surprised at the change in mood. "The first time we met here," Will continues. "I thought I'd see anger. Hoped to feel resentment, for using you. Or at worst, I expected to see a fan." "But you saw me." "Yes. Saw you. I see you, Matthew." They stare at each other, studying each other over and over, grasping for what gives them the opportunity. "Do hawks work in pairs, Mr Graham?" overly pathetic Matthew gives out. "Oh, my God." Will snorts. "You're insufferable." They laugh together. They're side by side.

After Hannibal, before Hannibal, discussing the case, tactics for dealing with him. Jack is under no illusions about what's going on. He needs a working agent, and Matthew gives him that. The discussion is kept from Dr Chilton by the force of Jack's menacing stare. The interrogation room cameras are switched off, but Will still brings the jamming device in Hannibal's case files or in a cup of coffee.

The light in Will's eyes burns brighter at the mention of prisoner Brown. Matthew is uncompromisingly flirtatious, spewing only the truth and living only stories of childhood fears and desires.

"Oh, and, Mr Graham, that shirt suits you. And that smile too." Will habitually snorts and throws a mocking glance as he leaves the interview room. Matthew knows he'll be back soon.

They talk, talk, talk. Over and over they run off to each other.

And then he disappears.

What happened? Yes, of course.

Hannibal.

Fucker. Beast, monster. The mistake. Something Matthew will never forgive himself for.

The knife in his stomach, Abigail's death, reliving it. Matthew absorbs every rumour. He waits. And Hannibal finds himself in the same hospital as him. So close, so accessible.

Thoughts of vengeance are tied to his existence for an unbearably long time. Once he complains of head-splitting pain. Once he almost gets the key from the orderly, but he leans over to Matthew, whispers with a smile that Mr Graham has been brought back into the investigation. The key remains on his belt, plans disintegrate, weak under the weight of happiness.

Three years have passed quickly.

"Good afternoon, Mr Brown."

They are back in the interrogation room. Matthew's handcuffs are removed and he changes into an orderly's uniform. A siren announces an escape attempt, electricity fails throughout the floors. The staff tends to the fugitives' cells, the remaining employees keeping watch over Lecter. Red lights illuminate the corridors, flashing, and Matthew tries not to let the back of his saviour out of his sight. Will is here again. Smart, collected, waiting out the moment. Easily faking an escape, in disguise for the real thing, bribing the orderlies, cracking another pillar of opinion formed about himself. They run and run. To the first car in the car park, to the second at the petrol station, to the motorboat.

In the morning Will wakes to the smells of coffee and scrambled eggs from the kitchen, comes downstairs kissing his wife. In the morning Matthew wakes up free.

No contacts other than handovers in a set place, no names in short correspondence on stolen mobiles. They have a plan. Hinted at, pieced together into a perfect puzzle. Will falls off a cliff and Matthew runs again. Pulls him out, forces him to cough his lungs out of the rough water.

"Hannibal." Will whispers as they weave through the woods towards a new stage, a new escape and life. "Take care of him."

Matthew nods. Runs to the shore, leaning Will against a large tree. There's no one in the water, no one nearby either, and the possibility that nature has taken Hannibal cheerfully envelops Matthew.

Footprints. On the shore, tracks leading to the woods. Fuck. He dismounts, trotting quietly closer to the place where he left his only possession. The gun rests confidently in his hand.

Fear releases as he sees his Will, wounded but strong. Avenged, leading the idiot who thinks he's God by the nose again. Waiting for the signal. One undeath, and Hannibal lets his guard down. Will nods quietly, flashing his eyes in the careless moonbeam. Will gives him redemption.

The rustle of wings behind him, the crunch of a branch.

Shot.

[myun-saidthoughts]

A Message For Capricorn Moons and (Heavy) Scorpio Placements

Capricorn Moons:

If you are an Capricorn Moon with it in the 4/8/12H, or have water in your big three, from the bottom of my heart; please start feeling your emotions.

The amount of control you guys have when it comes to reacting in chaotic moments is astounding and impressive (coming from a Scorpio Moon) but please don't forget you are human. Just because you don't actually let yourself feel the pain does not mean that it's not there.

Please for your sake, let yourself process the trauma and hurt your Mother (or family depending on other placements) has inflicted onto you. It's okay to ask for help and it's okay to be sad. You are validated and you are worthy of everything that you feel. I know emotions are gross, uncomfortable and annoying and I understand your mom might be cold (or un-nurturing in the way you might of needed which hindered the reason for you to be dismissive just like her) or she could be the reason why you don't allow yourself to feel, but you have to remember a part of your soul is begging for you to open that side of you that you suppress.

Before you do, the capacity of how much love you can give and receive is limited. Never will you truly find the partner you desire the most if you subconsciously block the part of emotion you behold. Especially if you have other indications of trauma from family/parents, you will just keep repeating the same patterns and cycles with different people. It will be difficult for you to actually fully feel at your most highest self if you subconsciously stop yourself. It's hard to fully love someone when you don't allow the love to be brought in.

You deserve the love you never received and once you start actually accepting and process all that's ever happened (however little or big that is) will you start seeing a real change in you.

Your soul will thank you later.

Prominent Scorpio Placements:

If you have heavy plutonic energy in you, 8H stellium, Scorpio rising with Plutonic aspects, strong Scorpio Moon in 8H, strong Sun & Moon/Lilith/Pluto aspects etc etc please understand the capacity of your emotions can only be felt through you, and no matter how loud you're screaming; the other person can't actually feel your wrath.

I share a Scorpio Moon so this message is undoubtedly for me. But more so this message is for the un-evolved Scorpio energy.

The desire for power, control, revenge even, does and can get the better of you. The amount of emotion you possess is only ammo. This is just a gentle reminder (for myself even) that the intensity you have can be your greatest weakness. In most cases we have to work 10x harder with controlling our emotions than the next person and undoubtedly that's exhausting.

Needless to say, prominent Scorpio in a chart signifies power and trauma, we are the 8H at least, but becoming manipulative for your own gain never really will bring you the satisfaction you crave within.

Instead of desiring control/power etc because in your mind you might think that's the only way you'll feel "safe" and "comfortable" in whatever circumstances, having the time to check in with yourself constantly is what's needed. We hold so much pain and emotions through us and because of that the capacity of caring about others runs just as deep. It's only human to sometimes lose our way, but feeling content with who you are, just as you are, can bring you the highest form of satisfaction there is.

The expectations and intense loyalty you might bestow onto people can only be as fair as how you, yourself would treat them. It's unfair to expect so much of someone when in return, you wouldn't act or be the person you wish they were.

(Yes emotions are so overwhelming and yes you are valid to feel however you want due to the circumstances you were given, but instead of letting emotion overflow or letting the "shadow" side of you take over; use it as fuel to create art in whatever form you see fit and inspire others to regenerate and transform their lives: that will help you feel fulfilled)

(but of course as well save your own energy for your sake, and the self is just as important too. This Scorpio message is not for everyone because so many other factors would be needed)

[edenfenixblogs]

Why do I post so much about antisemitism?

I post about it exactly as often as I experience it

People think antisemitism isn’t real

People think antisemitism isn’t that bad

People think antisemitism is justifiable as long as it is directed toward “bad” Jews. Like any other form of bigotry, it is always bad. Candace Owens has terrible anti-Black, extremely racist opinions. It’s still not OK to hurl racist insults at her. Isis and Hamas are terrorist organizatjons committing terrible crimes against humanity while invoking Islam . It’s still not ok to insult Islam while talking about them or to be racist and Islamophobic toward Muslims or Arabs. Netanyahu is an actual monster whose actions are destroying lives in Palestine, Israel, and worldwide. Jewish West Bank settlers are being extremely hostile, racist, and terrible. It’s still not ok to use antisemitic conspiracies, tropes, or insults against them. Ever. And it’s certainly not ok to use them against ordinary civilians who happen to share a race or religion with the worst people who share those identities.

I want to show all the ways antisemitism hurts.

I want to show how the damage from antisemitism lingers long after the first moment its experienced

I want people to understand that even if I don’t support Netanyahu or the Likud government or the broad actions of the IDF or the indiscriminate bombing of Palestine or the subjugation of Palestinians (and to be very clear—I do not support these things) I’m still allowed to be upset about the global hatred toward Israel right now based solely on the fact that I am Jewish. To say that makes me a supporter of colonialism or genocide is antisemitic. Why? Because half of the Jews in the entire world live in Israel. If half the Muslims in the entire world lived in America or half the Christians in the entire world lived in Japan, then everyone started calling all Christians or Muslims in that country evil/colonizers/oppressors and saying that they should lose protection and citizenship from those places, then it would make sense for all Muslims or Christians around the world to be very upset by that. Not because the Muslims or Christians in those nations are always perfect. But because, hey, seeing that people are perfectly ok condemning half everyone with whom you share a religion will cause you to be sad. And empathetic. And because obviously condemning that many people for anything as if they are all equally responsible is fundamentally wrong. Especially if your only basis for that condemnation is someone’s religion and where they live.

My trauma response is to fawn. To be aggressively kind and complimentary to show I’m not a threat. That I don’t deserve to be hated. That I promise I’m not worth your aggression. This is unhealthy for me personally. This is a bad way to live. This is a disservice to my fellow Jews who don’t deserve to experience antisemitism, regardless of any of their other actions. Instead, I am laying my pain bare for you all to see. I am using my pain to educate you. I am using my desire to help you to keep me patient while I try to educate you while experiencing an endless barrage of hatred all day every day. That hatred is not all violent or aggressive. Very often that hatred is neglect, erasure, and the revocation of societal privileges until I behave in an acceptable manner. But sometimes it is aggressive and violent as well.

People say that I am making a genocide “all about me,” but I’m not. You are. Why do your actions in preventing and fighting an ethnic cleansing on the other side of the world involve causing me emotional pain, social isolation, and ethnoreligous erasure? The problem isn’t that I’m speaking up. It’s that you’re too busy speaking over me to listen to what I’m saying and to stop being harmful.

Because I have the emotional capacity to be patient and to engage when many of my Jewish peers do not. I have the position of relative safety where I can post about these things without facing actual physical harm. Many of my Jewish peers do not. While I would never speak on behalf of other Jews’ opinions, I will certainly speak FOR my fellow Jews. For the dignity, respect, safety, love, and community they all deserve.

Because when this conflict is over or even just calmed down enough to not be at the top of the zeitgeist anymore, I don’t want any of you to have the excuse of saying you didn’t know what you were doing or the harm you were causing. You know. I’m telling you. Repeatedly.

Because despite everything I’ve just written, I know most of you won’t even listen until I confirm that I do support Palestinian self determination, citizenship, equality, and indigeneity. Which I do. I support all those things. I shouldn’t have to in order to avoid antisemitism though.

Because most people in my life have pulled away in this time and if I don’t share my pain here I’ll explode.

Because I have nobody else non-Jewish to share this with. You’ve isolated me. I’m alone. You did this. I could have been marching with you. But you hate me too much to let me fight for a cause we both believe in alongside you. And you aren’t even aware you hate me at all, because it’s so ingrained in you.

[quinloki]

Katakuri - Teeth/Fangs

Reader style - she/her, afab (No pronouns were used in the final result) Time slot - After hours Client Name - @anon-germany CW: blindfolded, use of teeth

(I am currently undecided if my Host Club AU will be true to One Piece canon size differences. This entry has Katakuri more realistically sized)

Your world was, quite literally, darkness. The blindfold was padded and fluffy on the inside, snug against your face and blocking all traces of light. The room was dim as well, so even if you could sneak a peek, there wasn’t much to see.

It was always thus when you wanted to enjoy the pleasures of Katakuri’s teeth. They were a delight to be felt and not seen, a non-negotiable rule. One that you could only break once, and the pleasure of his company was not worth even the slimmest of risks.

Laying on your stomach, you clutched the pillow to your chest, trying to relax against it. He’d spent the last few minutes carefully removing your clothes, whispering soft words of direction and praise, leaving whispers of kisses against your skin. The barest hint of his fangs, trailing along your skin, as he guided you to the position you were currently in.

You could feel his legs against your thighs, pushing your legs open and keeping them spread wide easily. He was a massive man, the gentlest giant of the Club and easily pushing eight feet of height. Kind and attentive, his more intimate activities were by appointment only, and it took several to get close to him like this.

Warm hands on your shoulders, and a soft warning to stay still were all that preceded his lips against the middle of your back. One soft kiss, then another, a nearly timid, but steady lick that pulls a soft gasp from you, tensing your muscles for a second before you relax again.

Hard bone pressed against your flesh, smooth and slicked by the lick. One, two, just against the inside of your shoulder blade, hot huffs of air against your skin before a tongue licks less timidly against your skin. His hands shift, gripping the bedding on either side of you, the frame groaning as his hips press into yours, need rising hot within him.

The sensation of his pants rough against your slit makes you gasp and tense and he freezes for a second, voice falling heavy from his mouth, nearly a growl against your ear.

“Don’t. Move.” He commands in a tone that seems alien to the kind bartender. His hips rut into you again, tongue against your back, you can’t help the shiver of pleasure, and he moves quickly.

One hand cages your head and neck, holding your collarbone firm against the pillow, legs shifting to pin yours in place, his other hand trailing over your body.

“I won’t risk hurting you,” he promises, words and breath painfully hot against the middle of your back. “But I won’t deny what you want.”

Hard sharp teeth graze your skin, sending shivers through you that Katakuri refused to allow. The pleasure stayed under your skin, muscles powerless against the man that held you in place, teasing and pleasing your skin with hard teeth and sharp fangs. Power and capacity enough to rend you limb from limb if he so desires, to devour you literally.

Instead the action is almost spiritual. An absolution of sorts, only there is nothing to forgive, and nothing to give, he is simply devouring your very essence.

Teeth and fangs trail your skin, hands and legs move you, covering your back, your sides, your stomach. Fangs and tongue flick along your skin as your body twitches and whimpers, nearing a pleasure it can’t define, and demanding a release it doesn’t know.

Pinning your arm, and bracing your head to the side, heavy, greedy, desperately hot breath cascades over your neck, smooth fangs shifting against the tender flesh. The pause, the tension, the nearly growling breath clawing into your shoulder.

“Bite me.” You say quietly. Timidly. Terrifyingly needy and desperately curious.

“It will hurt,” he answers, tongue against your skin, lips looking to sate the want dripping from his teeth. “There will be no pleasure in the action.”

“I did not ask for pleasure, I begged for your fangs.” You manage to say the words steadily despite the competing fear and desire.

A pause, a breath, a growl so deep and heavy it almost crushes you.

Sharp points press against your skin.

One Piece Host Club AU drabble event runs through December 2023