#I hate it and I hate that it’s a part of me I’m legitimately envious of aces & aros

[oglegoggle]

Bleh. Fuckin hate crushing. Fuckin hate crushing on heteros. I don’t need this. I touched the dude’s fingertips handing him a cool bug. I feel like a goddamn Vulcan getting hot and bothered about touching someone’s literal fingertip for half a second. I need to get railed, how the fuck do I hire an escort???

[astaroth1357]

Unconventional Pact Mark Headcanons

So like, I know that when people do pact headcanons it’s usually all sweet like, “Oh look, they’re so connected!” but also what if the pact marks and pacts in general were just... weird and did weird things sometimes? Well here you go.

Lucifer

Any time the MC feels belittled, Lucifer’s pact mark burns like it’s trying to shout at people for them.

Whenever the MC is looking for confidence, they can rub Lucifer’s pack mark and they’ll feel like they can literally take on anything. (Translation: So stupidly confident that they’ll jump off a cliff and legitimately believe they’ll land perfectly fine because they were awesome enough to make a pact with Lucifer so there).

Lucifer’s pact mark glows the brightest of the bunch - and that’s saying something - the MC can use it like a flashlight if they have to. It refuses to be outdone by the others after all.

Mammon

The pact mark sparkles like a glitter sticker whenever the MC touches something expensive - almost like it’s encouraging them to run off with it… 

Mammon’s mark tugs and pulls him towards things that the MC touches often, which results in him “stealing” some of the MC’s favorite stuff in order to hold onto/use himself (their pillows and pens are common targets).

Since Mammon’s pact mark came first, it’s connection between Mammon and the MC is the strongest. It has so much influence that if Mammon or MC say each other names, they will actually sneeze.

Leviathan 

Whenever the MC uses one of their others pact marks, Levi’s mark will glow like a fucking Christmas tree like it’s trying to say, “Hey, I’m here too! You won’t forget me right?? Right?!?”

Naturally, sometimes when Levi gets envious of something it’ll spread to the MC too, but since there isn’t always an easy target to be envious of their brain will make some… pretty big leaps in logic. (*narrows eyes* “Look at that fucking lamp over there… I bet it’s mocking me… Well shut up! Not everybody can produce light like you, Lamp!!”)

After getting Levi’s mark, the MC can start to hear the thoughts of fish… Henry 3.0 2.0 is surprisingly eloquent and a 100% Mom friend. They see why Levi talks to him so much…

Satan

The local cats seem to recognize the mark on the MC is Satan’s because they’ll always nuzzle up against it if the MC stops to play...

Satan’s pact mark actually gives the MC somewhat increased strength when they’re pissed off - or it enhances their anger so much that they bust difficult-to-break items on sheer willpower alone… Jury’s still out on that one.

If the MC meditates or is just reeeaalllly calm, Satan feels the subtle but constant urge to purr... 

Asmodeus 

Asmo's pact mark actually kind of "roams around" the MC's body. It will disappear and reappear on whatever part of them Asmo likes the most (and he's terrible at deciding). It's all fine until it pops up on their face or… other parts...

If the MC concentrates, they can get Asmo’s mark to change color to match their outfit! But it will change his as well, so they sometimes have to do some outfit coordination in order to keep things looking good.

If the MC gives Asmo’s mark a quick kiss, Asmo feels it go down his spine and it makes his wings appear and flutter involuntarily.

Beelzebub

Whenever the MC starts craving a certain food, Beel will do the same. They often end up meeting each other down in the kitchen or at the same restaurant looking for the exact same snack.

In the rare cases Beel eats something he doesn't like, it gives the MC heartburn. He's forbidden to eat Solomon's cooking now (not that he's complaining).

If the MC gets too full, it makes Beel burp. It can be assumed it be vice versa, but Beel’s never full so… 

Belphegor 

The MC can wake Belphie up by slapping their mark as hard as they can. He feels it like a hard whack to the back of the head and he HATES it.

Both marks glow while they sleep and in accordance to their dreams. Good dreams, bad dreams… wet dreams… If you know the flashing sequence, you’ll know right away (and thank fuck the others don’t).

Though the MC may have never had a sleepwalking problem before, they occasionally leave their own bed in the middle of the night to go find Belphegor. Which is fine - unless he’s in the attic. A sleeping MC doesn’t have the motor control necessary to climb spiral stairs so they usually just end up waking up face down on the steps come morning...

[hekatekun]

Missed Opportunities: a look at 246 dynamics

This will be covering the relationships between Karamatsu, Ichimatsu, and Todomatsu. Specifically how they could be "better off" but for reasons aren't. Not blmatsu. A long post, but not particularly in depth. The great thing about Osomatsu-san is that things can be as serious as you want them to be; take all this with a grain of salt.

I would say the defining trait between 246 is that there is a lot of "missed opportunity" or "what could have been." You know, “things didn’t have to be this way.” More specifically, this is Karamatsu's relationship with the other two. Not that this cannot be remedied, but for now nothing is happening. Not any time soon, either. Probably. These aren’t shortcomings they’ll be getting over soon. Interestingly enough, I might have even said this was also applicable to 110 up until recently - so let's start there.

110MATSU: Something of a moving arc going here. Season 1 they’re at their most antagonistic towards each other, with their more docile moments occurring later in the season (most notably the hunt for 123 inside Dayon). Ichimatsu particularly, as Todomatsu has never been one to pick fights. He’s vindictive and isn’t afraid of confrontation, but doesn’t mean he wants to stick his neck out. Ichimatsu, on the other hand, has no qualms being aggressive. He will double-down on embarrassing the fuck out of Totty (as he should). If there is one thing the hivemind has taught all of them, it’s that no brother is above the other, and everyone will equally be dragged back to this self-made hell.

So S1 is the season of “no mercy,” but we see a shift! “ESP Kitty” lays Ichimatsu’s secret in front of everyone: vulnerability. Todomatsu (and 135) sees him like the normie he is for the first time in a real good light, a permanent change. Effectively, by “Dayon Tribe,” this lack of aggression when 456 are left to their own devices becomes a staple of the trio (if we ignore Jyushimatsu’s winter-induced insanity). 

In this same timeframe, Ichimatsu gets a real understanding of just how ruthless the crybaby youngest brother is. And by S2 they realize they have a lot more in common than they realized. A certain self-awareness that certain others lack. Totty could easily be lumped in with suiriku as a tryhard who doesn’t know when to quit, but it becomes apparent this isn’t the case. Sure, Totty’s a tryhard - he craves positive attention and will do what he can to get it, but he’ll never reach the level of Karamatsu and Choromatsu. 110 doesn’t need to “impress” each other. Completely vibing. They prefer each other’s company (and Jyushimatsu’s) over the other 3. They’re not each other’s favorite, by a long shot, but S2 they seem more comfortable around each other.

The movie provides a bit of catalyst, and S3 seems keen on keeping it apart of the continuity, so it’s not far fetched to assume their bonding moment in the movie is what led to their current relationship in S3. An ally has been established, and they can be more honest around each other as a result.

What’s “missed opportunity” is that they both underestimated the other, and what they have now could have been achieved earlier in life. Better late than never! However, they both still suck at communicating, but for now battling with barbed words or getting wrapped up in whatever holds their attention still shows they’re (usually) on the same wavelength.

ZAIMOKUMATSU: If Totty is similar to Ichi, it's not surprising he holds to same distaste for Karamatsu. Theoretically speaking, they should be each other's "brother." It's obvious that Choromatsu and Osomatsu are a "duo," and same with Ichimatsu and Jyushimatsu. Whether you wanna include Oso-kun or not, it's evident that they do not click the same way the others do with their “designated brother.” 

Oso-kun makes it more “angsty” though, or at least makes this reboot interesting. If Zaimoku was more established as children, this clearly isn't carried to their adult selves. That's just life. They fell apart, growing up, and letting time split them naturally. They still like each other, hang out, but there's no real spark there. How can you when one of you refuses to break character. You could say they're similar to Nenchuu, preferring each other's company only in the greater group dynamic. We’ve established they're both tryhards, but Todomatsu has the self-awareness to know when to drop his pretenses, and doesn't understand Karamatsu's more irrational quirks. Sure, tryhards try hard but they're brothers - they already know each other. No need to impress. For Karamatsu’s part of it, I would say it’s both “always needing to be on top of his public image no matter who sees him (including brothers)” and just... He wants to dress like that. So painful.

Todomatsu’s “fatal flaw” within the group is that he’s quite disconnected from the hivemind. This a repeated issue they address, from “Todomatsu & the 5 Demons” to “Todomatsu’s Line.” He doesn’t understand certain social conventions that “make no sense” from experience. For instance, “Todomatsu’s Line” addresses how secretive he is, but he’s only secretive because he knows if he told them about his life they wouldn’t care. They’re only getting on his ass because he’s pulling away from them. The 6 of them are “all or nothing,” so even just one brother leaving is detrimental to their weird inner-brother politics. It gets rid of the facade they perform under, and must confront reality as a result. And so, they punish him accordingly. We know Karamatsu is already the group punching bag, and Totty soon joins him.

S3E5 “Well, Yeah” with these 2 fighting over the cashier, Karamatsu is willing to challenge him because he considers Todomatsu "harmless." Karamatsu is easily intimidated, we know this, but holds none of those sentiments towards Totty. They're both petty crybabies, and would rather tear each other down than team up.

Zaimoku is amiable with each other (for the most part), but typically avoid each other - or at least wouldn't seek the other out if it can be helped. A simple mismatch. Good thing they have 4 other brothers.

So, they're both the bottom of the barrel, and yet they never have each other's back. As with all 6, they’re self-serving. There’s safety in numbers, and they’re better off joining 4 than defending 1. They have created an environment that punishes whoever wanted to be the bigger man. In the most literal sense: nice guys finish last around these parts.

I could keep going. Todomatsu being banished to sea for a whole skit, Todomatsu being fired from the family, the entirety of the Karamatsu Incident. No one’s safe, but truly Zaimoku sits at the lowest tiers, even in the family. 

Leftovers who don't even want to pick each other. Can't blame them, they're both insufferable. They don't respect each other, either. 236 is committed to personas that they think will make people like them. They all more or less hold the belief of “I’m not like these guys, I’m better.” However, Choromatsu genuinely likes Karamatsu. Totty does not. How could he when all he sees is a cringey dude who doesn’t know when to call it quits? Choromatsu is just as bad, and doesn't really consider Karamatsu anything but "harmless."

Being left alone and behind is the worst thing for them, but yet they still don’t want each other, even if they’re “clearly the easiest choice.” That sense of being the “default” choice, rather than a legitimate connection or personalities that get along. Another similarity to Nenchuu, where they’re better off being friends than not out of convenience.

IROMATSU: Take what I just said about Zaimoku and amplify the negativity. Rather than a natural falling out, it is a repeated violent rejection on Ichimatsu's part. It's genuine animosity, because Ichimatsu hates tryhards who lack self-awareness. It's no surprise he doesn't care for Suiriku's company and, until recently, Todomatsu's. The thing is, Ichimatsu is a tryhard. He tried hard in high school, and, though in the opposite direction (”I’m not like these guys, I’m worse”), continues to try hard now.

Concerning Karamatsu, he is equal parts resentful and envious. If the movie implies they used to be friends around high school, it wouldn't surprise me if he resented Karamatsu's "transformation" because Ichi was unable to get over his own issues ("regressing" after high school, though really considering how taxing it was to keep that up he’s probably been burnt out). So yeah, introvert buddies.

He admitted to Choromatsu he finds those who still try even in the face of failure "scary." Ichimatsu's greatest fear is putting himself out there and still being rejected despite his best efforts. That's, again, just how life works, but it's a valid fear to have. 

Seeing Karamatsu, someone he considers legitimately stupid, still put his best foot forward (probably on some level) does feel like a slap in the face. It's also just. Painful. Another cringeass clueless older brother, another ally lost.

(Also I can’t ignore how it’s Osomatsu - one of Ichi’s favorites/most tolerable brothers - is the one who calls Karamatsu’s support “teasing” after claiming himself Ichi would kill his own boss; Osomatsu knows how to talk to each brother in a way they’ll understand)

The difference between Zaimoku and Iro is that the former is always played off as joking and while the latter is still funny and over-exaggerated, it usually also comes across as “Did this cross a line?” It tips into real malevolence because, not only does Ichimatsu act opposite how he feels (except for cats), but even in comedy there’s always a hint of sincerity. They’re all cartoonishly violent, but that comes with the idea that that’s actually how they feel in some form. Ichimatsu can’t handle direct support and attention, and he certainly wouldn’t want it from a guy whose social anxiety is worse than his.

And throughout all this, Karamatsu just... ignores it. He doesn't get it, he probably wouldn't even want to know. He legitimately wants to be like this, and doesn’t really get how others don’t find it as attractive (like how Choromatsu doesn’t get why talking about his aspirations isn’t wanted in conversation - they’re not really ones to read the room when it comes to their own shortcomings). So he "avoids" 110. No point seeking out their company and be rejected for "no reason." He doesn't want criticism, and none of them want communication. I should reiterate, this is all comedy. It’s funny. I love it! But it’s slapstick with thought. 

Short-sighted, they prioritize instant gratification above anything else. The end result, unsurprisingly, is a group of brothers who find it impossible to talk to each other - to bully and harass - when they could do better for one another.

[rhysand-vs-fenrys]

How did you come to realise you were bi? I'm really struggling with my sexuality atm, idk if I'm straight and bi curious or bisexual, im just all over the place and was wondering if you had any advice?

For me it was... complicated (like it’s ever easy) and I’m not sure if how the process went for me can help you at all.

My family has a history of being extremely anti-LGBT. My great aunt- who my father loved growing up- was basically thrown out of the family when she came out as lesbian. To the point where, when my parents used my brother’s high school graduation party as a way to force my grandparents into the same room as her again, I was legitimately surprised because I thought she was dead.

Amends were somewhat made (she is married now- and to the same woman she came out to my grandparents with 30 years ago), but one of her brothers still pretends she’s dead.

So that was what was in the background of my life growing up, and necessary to understand the process I went through figuring out my sexuality.

My cousin (daughter of the great-uncle who pretends his sister is dead) thought she was straight, had been married twice, and started to realize she’d fallen madly in love with her best friend (MY SHIP IS STILL SAILING STRONG GUYS! THEY’RE SO FREAKING CUTE TOGETHER!!!!!). My cousin was almost devastated by the feelings. She didn’t know how to process them, how to understand them, or what to do and it was really hurting her.

I helped her through that, told her always to just do what feels right to her and just know that I love her no matter what she decides to do (her now-gf also thought she was straight, so it was a long road for both of them). 

Throughout this though I got this... feeling. I first sorted it as a negative feeling, which kind of bothered me. It was this cold pang whenever I was reminded my cousin had fallen in love with a woman. I was always a huge LGBT supporter, a lot of my friends growing up came out as LGBT and that didn’t hurt our relationships or anything.

So I spent months kind of trying to face that weird feeling I was getting and trying to figure it out and what it meant.

The first break kind of came whenI started really looking at my own speech and actions as it came to LGBT issues to try and identify whatever bias I seemed to have against my cousin coming out to me as bisexual. Like, why did it seem to bother me so much?

I noticed I was naturally using phrases like “I’m not gay but I support them”, “I’m straight but_________” and I really started looking at why I was adding that qualifier. “I’m not gay” or “I’m straight”. Why was I not comfortable just out-front saying “I support this”? Why did I keep separating myself while also endorsing it?

I don’t know why the thought came to me or where it came from, but one day while I was alone in the car I just flat out said aloud “I’m bisexual”.

It was like ... I hate that expression where people say “everything just magically fell into place” but that’s the only thing I can think of to describe it. I had that same pang I couldn’t figure out before but SO MUCH STRONGER and I realized what it was: jealousy. I was so envious of my cousin for being able to acknowledge that side of herself and pursue who she loved and wanted. 

Since then I’ve continued exploring and pushing myself against that anti-LGBT bias I was raised under to really come to accept myself and let that be my story. It took a long time to come to terms with who I am, the process I described up there was probably a year long.

At one point my cousin was sure this girl would never look at her that way and was just distressed and didn’t know what to do with these feelings. I told her she owed it to herself to just like... go out to a gay bar. Go find a lady and go on a date or two and see what happens. Just... do whatever you feel you need to do. Let your instincts guide you.

Part of you knows what you are, and once you figure it out that piece of you will speak up and let you know you’ve finally reached the right conclusion.

[kagetsukai]

Fic Writer Meme

I was tagged a while back and I finally decided to do this. Thank you @wardenari @hollyand-writes & @roguelioness!

Name: Shan! Everybody calls me that, both online and irl, even though it’s not my real name. I’ve also been called Kage, which is fine :)

Fandoms: Dragon Age, for the most part. I’ve dabbled in Kingsman and I’m currently dabbling in The Wayhaven Chronicles having never played/read the game This is who I am as a person :P

Most popular oneshot: Afternoon Delight. I’m still incredibly amused by how popular that fic is. I still get kudos on it! It just goes to prove that porn will forever remain popular ;) Oh, and a dominant!Cullen, too. Something about a growly Cullen gets people going :P

Most popular multichapter: Dance Like No One Is Watching aka dance!fic. There’s another fic with technically better stats, but we don’t talk about that one anymore :P

Actual worst part of writing: Successfully ignoring the distractions, whether they be internal or external. The hardest part for me is to just sit down and write, regardless of what is going on around me. The FOMO is rough, yo. I’ve been trying different techniques of focusing myself on the task with varying degrees of success and it’s still a work-in-progress.

I also have a lot of problems sustaining my productivity. As a part of my development I’ve allowed myself to write however many ideas that spark my interest, just to see if I get excited about them enough that I finish any of them. Spoiler, unless it’s a month-long challenge, I haven’t finished any chaptered stories. It’s definitely something I’m working on changing ;)

How you choose your titles: I know that people often struggle with this part, but I’m not one of them. Very often I’ll be listening to a song when I’m hit with an idea and the title usually isn’t far behind. And I always have a title before I start writing a story, because I’m a very organized person with my files and I need a folder name for what I’m trying to write ;)

Do you outline: Short answer? Yes. I used to write without an outline and it worked just fine for one-shots. Then I started writing longer stories and realized that without some degree of a plan I would NOT survive the process. So I’ve taught myself to outline. That being said, I know some people who outline extensively and in detail, but I can’t let myself do that. I need some wiggle room along the way so that my brain can continue applying creativity and give the characters an opportunity to surprise me.

Another quick note here: OUTLINES CAN CHANGE. I’ve heard people hate on outlining because they feel it will stifle their creativity. The nice thing about writing on a computer these days is that you can change every single thing in an outline to adopt to a growing/changing story. That happens ALL the time. All stories grow. It’s okay to adapt to it.

Ideas I probably won’t get around to, but wouldn’t it be nice? WHERE DO I EVEN START??? Just for Dragon Age fandom alone I have: Wild West AU, Pirate AU, Architect AU, angsty Bethany/Varric, Sleeping Beauty but Cass is the prince character and it’s very gay. I think there was a Star Trek AU that was loosely based on TOS? I was going to write Krem/OC before pandemic hit and now the muses have left. I planned out an Avvar AU. Neighbors AU for Cullen and a female Adaar. I have two chapters written (and abandoned) of a Prostitute AU. I COULD GO ON.

And then I still have a story I was going to write for Kingsman that would correct a LOT of shitty writing of that movie (and so I don’t have to watch Pedro Pascal die on screen YET AGAIN). And let’s not forget a Mandalorian one-shot that’s been bouncing around my brain.

I have a lot of ideas that never see the light of day *shrug* Which is why it’s so frustrating when I don’t get to write any of them.

Callouts @ Me: JUST SIT DOWN AND WRITE YOUR FUCKING STORIES, YOU ASSHOLE that is all

Best writing traits: I’m not precious about my own writing. I don’t see words on a page as anything other than a vehicle for the story I’m trying to tell. I have no attachment to them; if they have to go, I have no qualms about deleting them. I’ve seen so many times the advice of “save your writing! you may use it later!”. I never do. Ever. I once deleted more than two thousand words in one go and felt nothing. I’m here to tell a good story and if the words aren’t serving me, bye Felicia.

Also, since I’m not precious about my writing, I am able to take people’s criticism more objectively. I am more able to see if someone is just envious of what I’ve written or if they have a legitimate criticism.

Spicy Tangential Opinion: How good you are as a writer has NO BEARING on how popular you are in fandom. None. It’s all about your connections and networking. I know people hate hearing that, but I’ve got a newsflash for ya: that’s how it works in the real world too. You can’t become a popular author unless you work your ass off connecting with people. But Shan! I’m an introvert! Well, suck it up buttercup. We’re all introverts here and no one is special. Work hard and you’ll get lucky*.

* - “luck” is when an opportunity arises and you’re prepared to take it

Damn I got salty there at the end. Sorry not sorry! :P

[benzeneteen]

okay not to be ranting on main and if ur reading this. im sorry lol. skip it or bear with me idc

more under the cut so it doesnt get too long tw for descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self harming thoughts

im legitimately so envious of cis guys its fucking unreal. i grew up repressing my masculinity for fear of being shunned or physically harmed because of it. this was since i could grasp gender roles. i grew up being so fucking scared of doing anything at all that i drew in onto myself had had very few friends. i could probably count the number of friends ive ever had on one hand. i felt isolated, yet i felt that self isolation was both shameful and yet necessary. i spent my youngest years praying to a god i didn’t believe in that i would wake up and be a boy and it never fucking worked. it never worked and i wanted it to work and it fucking didnt.

from age 9 to 11, i intermittently bound my chest with medical tape. it hurt a lot but i didnt know what else to do. i found out later that binding with tape is bad for you. i have some problems with breathing properly sometimes, and i suspect that’s the reason

also, i cant do what i want to do. i cant be gender nonconforming without suffering ridiculous amounts of dysphoria, and even if i do overcome the dysphoria of it, i‘ll still feel like im “faking“ my transness. i want to wear makeup and act flamboyantly and grow my hair out but i fucking cant. and it sucks because part of me knows that no matter what i do, there may never be a time where i can comfortably do those things. i cant take a shower without noticing my fucking boobs and it fucking sucks. i cant even have a proper wank without wanting to cry over the fact that i dont have a fucking penis. its the absolute fucking worst and i hate it. i hate being trans so much. i hate this so much.

by age 11 i was suicidal, and by age 12 i was sitting in my room with probably thirty bottles of pills from the cabinet, ready to down them all with mouthwash mixed with rubbing alcohol, just so i could escape the body i live in.

spoiler: i didnt. i cried for probably a little over two hours instead. nobody in the house noticed.

i wish it didnt turn out like this. i wish i wasnt some talentless kid without a life and without friends or hobbies. i wish i wasnt so caught up in hating my fucking flesh prison. i hate having to wonder if my parents will treat me with humanity after i come out. i hate this so fucking much

and yk what?? i fucking deserve a body im comfortable in. every day i see asshole fucking cis boys who dont fucking appreciate the fact that they were born in a body that feels okay. they have no fucking clue. i could be the ugliest cis boy in the world and i would be happy with it.

no number of surgeries is going to make me cisgender. i’m never going to be completely comfortable in my body, and i don’t even know how to begin to grieve.

anyway. thats all for tonights oversharing session thanks for reading if you got this far i guess?? like if read so i can see whos read this and know how embarrassed i need to be lmao

dont rb

[themuzzleofnemesis]

4–Memory of the Battlefield; Scene 4

The Muzzle of Nemesis, pages 158-168

I was blindfolded, so I didn’t know where I was currently walking to.

“—Here, get in.”

I heard the voice of the man who had captured me, and a door being opened.

I was brought in and made to sit somewhere.

And then the blindfold was finally taken off.

“…”

It was an inhospitable, narrow room.

In front of me was a square black desk, and a simple wooden chair.

I remembered seeing this scene before.

Yes—it was just like the interrogation room in the prison.

The man sat in the opposite chair and glowered at my face.

“…I can still scarcely believe it. That a girl like you killed my big brother.”

The man’s name—was Gammon Octo.

He was the one Shakuson…Or rather, Nyoze Octo, had sent a letter to.

His younger brother.

.

--I had left the apartment complex where I’d been living the day after I had killed Shakuson.

That was to flee from two different figures. One was the police, and the other…was Postman.

I needed to disappear before he came back to retrieve the gun.

I still hadn’t reached a conclusion on whether I would live or die, but at the very least I no longer wished to be involved with the organization.

There was no issue with my having betrayed them. Someone may come to kill me—but I wouldn’t die anyhow.

The war was still ongoing, so it was a bit tricky to leave the country. Only, wanting to get at least a little ways away from Elphegort where I was born and raised, I decided to head south in the opposite direction.

Eventually I arrived at a town named Retasan. According to what I heard from an innkeeper, the town took its name from a country that had existed in the ancient era.

It was a dismal town. Apparently they were constantly being subjected to the threat of these monsters called “dead soldiers”, and so there were burned corpses piled high on every street corner.

A town of corpses—I thought at the very least that it would be suitable as the location of my demise. Even so, I passed three days at an inn there, still unable to make up my mind.

And then, the morning of the fourth day. Several men suddenly came to my room and surrounded me.

I was struck by one of the men before I even had a chance to struggle. …Immediately afterward he put some drugged cloth over my mouth and nose, and I lost consciousness.

.

--The very man who had struck me was Gammon sitting before me now. I had heard that fact while in the car transporting me here.

“You look like him, after all. Your brother.”

I first gave my honest impression.

“That’s because we’re siblings. Still…It’s not to the degree we used to be.”

“What do you mean?”

“My brother had some plastic surgery done on his face after he escaped prison. Before that we looked so alike that people would think we were twins.”

“I see…So then—What do you intend to do with me?”

If he planned to kill me, he would have done so at the inn.

Maybe he’d tried to do so while I was unconscious. –But I didn’t appear to have any wounds that would suggest such on my body.

“…Frankly I can’t decide. Though it is true that I wanted to try talking to you first.”

“If that’s all, I wish you’d politely given me an invitation instead.”

“You, an assassin? Give me a break.”

Silence descended on us for a moment.

Gammon was first to open his mouth.

“—What business did you have in the town of Retasan? Was there a new target there?”

“…I didn’t really have a reason. I’ve quit being an assassin.”

“And you…expect me to believe you? So soon after killing my brother—”

“I don’t care whether you believe me or not.”

“…Well, whatever. Then let me ask a different question. What do you think—of the organization you were a part of?”

“In two words: ‘They’re shit’. The only thing I can tell you is that they were the lowest of the low.”

“Then why did you work for them?”

“They would have killed me otherwise.”

Gammon looked surprised at that. “You? That’s hard to imagine. The head of the organization is your father, isn’t he?”

“…I had no idea that Gallerian Marlon was my father. …Is that really true, in the first place? You’re sure you’re not mistaken--?”

“Just to check, what is your mother’s name?”

“…Kayo. Kayo Sudou.”

“Then there’s no mistake. Kayo and Gallerian once had an illicit affair. After she learned she was pregnant with you she left him—This is what’s written in the secret documents we stole from the Dark Star Bureau.”

“And you’re sure those documents are legitimate?”

“Bruno Zero was the one who wrote them. I can’t imagine he’d go to the trouble of writing false documents to keep in his own desk.”

“Bruno…”

Then that meant he’d known all of it.

That was why he had saved me from prison—Looking at it that way, it lent credence to the claim.

But if that was the case, why had he hired me on as an assassin?

…Had he been ordered to by Gallerian?

Given Bruno’s loyalty to “Master”, I couldn’t think of anything else.

“…You look confused, Nemesis. It’s true then…You—didn’t know.” Gammon blew out a soft sigh. “If you really do hate the organization, then—I have a proposition for you.”

“No way.”

“Hold on…At least hear me out first.”

“I’m not becoming one of your allies.”

“We’re just talking....Though, well, I suppose you’re not wrong.”

Upon seeing Gammon’s flummoxed expression, I was reminded just a little bit of Shakuson.

Anytime I said anything selfish like that, he would…make that face.

“It’s the Tasan Party, right? The people you work for—"

“Yes, a political party of Elphegort. Currently…our objectives are to stop the war that’s occurring all over the world, and to take down the man responsible for it, Dark Star Bureau director Gallerian Marlon.”

“If they’re a political party, that makes you a politician.”

“Well, I suppose it does.”

“I didn’t go to school. I can’t follow along with difficult conversations about things like politics. I can’t imagine I would do well as a politician myself.”

“You don’t need to think of it as being that hard. Look at the people around you—I’ve heard you were once in a delinquent group in Aceid.”

“So you’ve looked up that much. Then—you know that I sank the S.S. Titanis, don’t you? I’m an ex-convict.”

“Strictly speaking you were never actually charged with that crime. Your death was faked before judgment was passed on you.”

“It’s not just that. I killed many people as an assassin after that.”

Yes…Shakuson too, with my own hands.

“You haven’t been arrested for any of that either. You aren’t even on the list of suspects the police have put up.”

“—Wait a second. If that’s true how did you guys know I was an assassin?”

“…Nyoze. My brother realized that you were the culprit behind this string of cases. And yet he never made a move to arrest you.”

“That was…because he was going to use me—”

“Do you really think that’s all it was?”

“…”

I didn’t know.

Back then—when I had pointed the gun at him, Shakuson had never showed any sign of resistance.

As though he had accepted being killed by me--

"—Let’s get back on topic. Did you never sense anything was wrong when you were in Aceid?”

“…I’d always thought that it wasn’t fair. That Elphe people were pushed into the slums, hardly able to get any work—”

“Right now we are working to change this unequal world of ours every day. I think—doing the right thing has nothing to do with whether or not you’ve had an education.”

“…”

“And sometimes there are situations when you need violence to carry out justice. If you say politics are difficult for you, then we can help you study in that field. There’s nothing for you to be ashamed of. I myself got into the Tasan Party by banking on my career as a soldier.”

…Hm, so that’s how it was.

In the end, this man—simply intended to make me kill people again.

“The answer is still no. Didn’t I tell you I quit being an assassin?”

“There’s a difference between killing to fulfill someone’s wishes and killing to protect someone. –Why did you sink the S.S. Titanis?”

“That was…to protect my friends—”

“Then, even if the whole world would blame you for that—I applaud such an action.”

“Are you…really a politician? What about the fact that this all happened in the first place because Zeus was trying to steal gold?”

“Midas Touch was no saint. Neither was Bindi Freezis, the man who manipulated all of you.”

Bindi Freezis…The man who had gone by the name of “Kandi” to us—I had only learned his true name after being put in my prison cell.

“Are you saying it was alright to kill him because he was evil?”

“I think so. …Perhaps I’m mistaken on my morality of the world society we live in. But the world’s never really going to get better just by yelling about love and peace.”

“…Well, I suppose that’s true.”

“What I think we ought to prioritize more than anything else—is justice! As long as we have that, our world can become a utopia…And I’m prepared for there to be sacrifices to achieve that.”

As I watched Gammon give his passionate speech, I felt a little bit like smiling.

It wasn’t that I was mocking him. It was pleasant to see a man who held no doubts about his own beliefs—I was envious.

“—I take back what I said earlier.”

“…? What about?”

“You and him are nothing alike. Shakuson would have never said something like that.”

“My brother was…not a worldly man. That was probably why he chose to be killed by you.”

“…”

“He must have thought that if you didn’t, you’d be erased by that organization.”

“…You mean…”

To save me—Shakuson had chosen to die.

“It’s true that when I learned you were Gallerian’s daughter, I suggested to Nyoze that he ought to use that to his advantage.”

“Yes…That’s what you wrote in your letter.”

“So you saw that…Then do you know of the reply that Nyoze wrote back to me?”

“I…don’t.”

“My brother rejected my suggestion. –And then he said this: ‘Even if Nemesis does kill me, please don’t hold any ill will towards her. No matter what you have to do, I want you to help her’.”

I quickly forced myself not to start crying.

Shakuson truly had—loved me, after all.

Even just knowing that was enough.

“Nemesis. If you do reject my offer—what will you do now?”

“…”

“I won’t let you die. That was Nyoze’s last wish.”

“But—”

“Don’t run away. Fight! Certainly, you made mistakes in your past. But—dying isn’t the way to atone for that.”

“Then…what are you saying I should do!?”

“Get angry! Your friends in Zeus, Nyoze…Do it for all the people you’ve lost! Why did they have to die? All of it—it’s because of that brute Gallerian, who turned even his own daughter into an assassin!”

Angry…huh.

I had never even met Gallerian. Even being told to get “angry” at him—

Frankly, nothing came up.

But…Gammon and Mr. Ziz both.

They told me to live.

To not run away.

“…Alright, Gammon. I’ll join you, for now.”

“I see. Whether I welcome that or not—it all depends on what you do next.”

Perhaps I should be grateful to him for saying even just that much to the girl who had killed his brother.

“There’s a lot you’ll need to explain to me. First regarding Gallerian. I only know what I’ve seen in the news on what kind of person he is.”

“Very well. I’ll become your tutor.”

“Though I hate studying.”

“That’s fine. I’ll make it simple, so even a child could understand—but before that, you must be hungry.”

“Yeah. A little.”

“First let’s get a bite to eat. The food they have at the Tasan Party headquarters mess hall is top notch!”

Gammon stood and opened the door.

<<prev------directory------next>>

[slashercatz]

Disclaimer *serious* dicussion of gender identity

TW: Gender Dysphoria, Depression, Mental Illness, Homophobia? Transphobia?

I'm putting this on tumblr since i don't personally know anyone on this platform and it's both personal and anonymous. If you don't want to hear about dysphoria and only follow for the Loki stuff than I suggest you scroll down

I have always been considered one of those "weird" kids who was "different." I would never be like kids my age and my dad always said I was special in one of those ways that meant he didn't understand me but he was still nice about it. I would always find something and grow incredibly attatched to it, to the point where it was part of my identity. For example, when I was a kid it was The Lion King, I watched it every night and memorized all the lines and songs. I would run around on all fours pretending to be a lion and roll in the grass and mud. This isn't considered typical girl behaviour so my parents always just found it amusing.

Being raised as a girl, I used to think everything was so simple. I had a life planned out for myself all organized like I always did things with kids and a husband and I would have a job or something. I'm not straight as it turns out though, and I definietly don't want kids. But that isn't all, I don't even know if I'm a girl anymore. I still connect with things girls expirience and will understand completely, but at the same time I've always felt a disconnect. This isn't like those "not like other girl" stuff though because I legitimately don't know if I am a girl at all. I always hung out with boys and they would be my best friend, at the time I'd told myself I did that because I had crushes on them but now looking back it was just real friendship. I'm envious of how guys can playfight and mess around and I really wanted that when I was younger but of course it would have been awkward as a girl. Sometimes I just wish I was born a boy, or at least half a boy.

Other days I'm proud of being a girl and don't understand what I was thinking. With my depression that I got genetically because bipolar disorder runs in my family, these weren't helping. This has been something I've been struggling with a lot, and I have a new kind of obsession. When I watched the Thor movies I really connected with Loki. Not in a way that is "he's so hot" but I empathized and saw myself in him. The outcast and othered person. I always found that when i connected with a character i didn't want to see anything sexual to do with them which might mean something or not. Anyways. When I discovered that he was genderfluid in the comics and mythology I was totally thrilled and loved it, as well as his pansexuality. I embraced that side of myself and begun watching queer shows like the new She Ra Reboot which I adored. My mom understood this part while my dad said I should wait till i delcare myself anything because i might be confused. -_-

Loki as a character spoke to me and really helped me through my depression as I realized I was not alone. Other characters that I'd grown attatched to were there but never on this level. Now, I've begun to hate my own name though. I confessed to my mother that I was not sure what my gender was but I did it at a time where she must have been overwhelmed and seemed tired. She just said that her friend went through a phase where she wanted to be a boy and turned out to just be a lesbian so I should probably just wait and it will pase. I understood her point but this really hurt me. I'm not out yet to my friends either as a bisexual let alone maybe somewhere in the trans umbrella but the thought that it was a phase made me really confused.

On one hand I loved being a girl sometimes and wanted to show sexist people they were wrong but on the other hand sometimes I really hated it and felt more like a guy. I suspected I was nonbinary or genderfluid or something along that bracket and even wondered if I should think of a name. I don't know what name I would do because I still call myself my given name and it seems like it would be hard to undo that thought process. The only thing that called out to me was the name Loki, but I don't know how much of that is me being in a phase or actually discovering something about myself.

To those who made it this far, thank you and i hope you have a good night. If you have any advice or want to share your own expiriences I would be happy to hear it.

[vedj-f-bekuesu]

Ninjago Unpopular Opinions

Following on from my watch of the entire old series (combined with already having seen the last two series), I have enough material to work with to make a sort of unpopular opinion list. Some of these are lightweight, some of these are...uh, not so much. 

These aren’t in any particular order, this is more of a “I’ll just put them down as I remember them” sort of deal. That’ll be why they appear so messy. 

-Even after all this I prefer the newest seasons to the older stuff. There have been a surprising number of good to great older seasons, but I just love that hit of S1/S2 campiness with the more developed writing of later seasons. 

-Cole sucked as a leader, aside from in the pilot episodes. In the series proper he varied from complete meathead I hated (first part of S1), to having the same mentoring personality as everyone else (S1 - S2), to being consumed by the love triangle which made him pull a really shitty move (I don’t need to tell you what that refers to). He eventually gets ironed out in season 4, but Lloyd had already taken over as leader at this point. And rightfully so, even if Lloyd’s material got knocked from season 3 as a result. 

-I couldn’t really warm up to Ronin that much for some reason. I get the reason why he’s popular, since it was pretty obvious he was supposed to be like an off-beat mentor figure to Nya, but...I dunno, unlike with Dareth, it felt like his skeevy moments were more off-kilter, plus I didn’t really like his arc in Skybound (even if that was written out of reality). That being said, his was strong in Possession even with said moments. Maybe I just need a future appearance to see how I ultimately swing with him.

-I mentioned this in my Hunted overview, but I think Skylor’s just bland. Part of the problem is that she’s mainly just wedged in as an action girl and doesn’t have too many moments to interact outside of that. That’s mostly reserved for moments where she acts as Agony Aunt (which is fine, that shows that being supportive is in her nature), but she needs more to work with. And as an obvious offshoot, if Kailor is the intended endgame it sucks in its current form. They don’t have chemistry or a decent dynamic.

-The other Ninjago ship I don’t particularly like out of all of them is...actually Geode. Yeah, Rebooted obviously wasn’t good for it considering the love triangle, but what actually did more damage to it for me was Skybound. It went so far in trying to oversteer back that it beat you over the head with the fact they were making Cole and Jay best friends after said love triangle (made really obvious when Jay is worried about Cole’s reaction to him seeing Nya in his reflection in both Possession and Skybound, when Cole isn’t even phased when he’s told). It was just really off-putting.

-Jay is a better big brother figure to Lloyd than Kai. Yeah, Kai’s true potential moment in Rise of the Serpentine hinged on realising he (and the others, mind) were supposed to protect Lloyd, they all spent Legacy of the Green Ninja’s first half being Lloyd’s proper mentors, Zane’s death prompted Kai to hover with thoughts of the Green Ninja again (which seemed to me for different reasons to being envious of power at the start, although its handling was very clunky after that), and he had the first episode in Possession which was arguably the strongest showing of a dynamic with Lloyd, but Possession didn’t have much about it outside of said episode, and the show seemed to just forget it from that point beyond some very, very fleeting and sparse bits. In the more modern seasons, it feels like Jay’s stepped up to be more supportive of Lloyd on a more consistent basis (which would make sense with the common fanon that Jay is the youngest of the original Ninja, he’d be closer to Lloyd’s age). It’s something I kind of want tapped into in a proper way at some point.

-Sensei Garmadon is a bit overrated. Just a smidge. When he’s good, he’s good, but most of the time he’s no more interesting than Wu would be in the same position. And I feel like they didn’t really develop his fatherly bond with Lloyd too well despite that being what his character was there for. Again, aside from moments where he was really good.

-Most underrated season of the old batch for me was the last minute shock, March of the Oni. I did enjoy Day of the Departed (which has a worse reputation), but I can understand why someone wouldn’t like it considering how bare it was. March of the Oni is far from my favourite season but I thought it came together really well, so the fact it’s generally panned legitimately confuses me. I guess Hands of Time would be a contender too, but I think opinion on that has swayed in its favour after the new seasons came out (and Secrets of the Forbidden Spinjutsu would be here if I included the new batch) so that’s why it’s edged out. 

-Most overrated season for me was undeniably Tournament of Elements. It’s not my least favourite season, but Rebooted and Hunted are pretty maligned to begin with, while Tournament of Elements is usually considered one of the top ones. It starts strong, has an interesting premise and there are ideas that are executed well. The thing is that the elements that people tend to praise the season for are ones I actually think the writers dropped the ball on, hence why this ended up the toughest season to get to the end of, even more than Hunted. It’s a shame, but it’s just not for me. 

-Best ninja suits...honestly, I don’t really notice the suits unless they’re really bad, because I’m used to franchises where costume changes mark radical permanent redesigns, and are not just par for the course of the brand (it makes perfect sense with a toy brand who want to sell you the same characters over and over again but still). Not counting the S11 suits since they weren’t part of the old batch, I guess I’d honestly say the ZX suits, maybe? They’re simple, but they’re cute and very distinct. Also Sons of Garmadon Cole channelling the Movie costume was a very good move (and arguably looks even better ripped up in Hunted aethetically), and Kai’s suit was bleh in Sons of Garmadon but its overhaul in Hunted was way better. Also, just as a wildcard, Rebooted Lloyd looks like a more finely tuned ZX suit. Actually, just one last bit on a tangent to note a difference the show makes to the figures that demonstrates the figures’ limitations. For Kai and Jay’s S11 suits, their figures invoke similar feels (because underneath the accessories they do have a lot in common), whereas they feel very different in the show because while Jay sticks to the figure and looks snug, Kai has a lot exposed around the neckline, as if his gi is hanging loosely on the shoulders and should join Cole in the “For fucks sake it’s an ice realm wear a jacket please” club. 

-Worst ninja sui--what the hell happened to Cole and Nya in Hands of Time?! Nya’s main issue is that it’s trying to work too many colours and they just don’t mesh well. I think this was the time they were partially adapting the movie’s change, but they were clinging onto her having red to both represent Samurai X and her ties to her brother, but they should have just picked one or the other because it just doesn’t work the way it did in Skybound. And Cole’s outfit is just hideous. Its balance of colours and accents is all off-kilter, and to top it off the shoes just don’t work and somehow look like socks with sandals. I didn’t know that was doable with a whole suit. Finally, on a general note, I’m not a fan of when the suits are all very similar bar some very, very minor differences. One could argue that it makes them look more like a team, but I prefer the individual personality to come out. 

-It’s hard to judge the best and worst episodes, honestly. The seasons from Tournament of Elements onwards are done so tied to each other that picking an episode is rather difficult outside of designated finales (or the odd Jay-focused/Zane-focused episodes that happened in seasons 7, 8 and 9). I guess for best I’d say stuff like The Quiet One, or The Fall, or Grave Danger, or stuff like that would be up there. Worst episodes in those seasons are even harder, because usually it’s how arcs over episodes are written that get to me, not individual episodes.  This all being said, it’s much easier to do this with the more episodic first three seasons, and to that end I would still say that Tick Tock is my favourite standalone episode still, and Home is still my least favourite. For all the times the writing has dropped the ball, nothing has legitimately pissed me off more than what this episode did because it’s in its own category of bad writing. 

-There have been some concepts thrown in that, while they definitely wouldn’t work out in the long term, make for interesting snippets of what-ifs. Like, I loved the bit where Jay was a show host and got around the stage using his lightning powers. That seems like such a natural fit outside of his ninja identity I wish I’d thought of it. Imagine Bradley Walsh using lightning to get around the studio, that would be metal as fuck.

-On the other side of that coin, the bizarro Ninja are the single most overrated concept in the show. I don’t like Scourge the Hedgehog to begin with, but he at least had some efforts to make him unique (that fell flat, but eh). The bizarro Ninja are the equivalent of Evil Sonic; cliche and undeveloped. They’re not even useful for the cliche idea of framing the actual Ninja since even though they’re seen doing delinquent behaviour, this is never addressed. Heck Nadakhan was more effective with this idea. Thing is that I can’t blame the show at all for this. While the concept is naff, the show itself treats them as they actually were; Garmadon’s puppets and the scheme of the episode. Aside from bizarro Jay’s behaviour to Nya being full of unfortunate implications, there is no greater purpose for their existence, and the show never tries to do it again. It’s really the fans that have inflated their appearance in this case because I guess the idea of “take this nice character and give them an evil version” is just so appealing to the teenage demographic. Screw that, corruption is way more fun and interesting. 

-What I can blame the show for is the single worst execution of an idea, because to this point I still consider Kai’s green ninja “arc” in Tournament of Elements to be the single worst executed arc (yeah, even worse than the love triangle, but that one is still bad). The sad thing is it managed to convince me that it wasn’t such a bad concept when they explained it by being an offshoot of his depression following Zane’s death (before that I was very sceptical it could fit it in naturally after the last three seasons). But then it was used once when Skylor tried to get Kai to stab Lloyd in the back during the skating match (which Kai completely rebuffed and seemed over his depression-rooted negative vibes on Lloyd), and once more when he was overcome by the power of the staff. The latter is especially infuriating since this would have been the perfect opportunity for a character moment. Like, Lloyd and/or Skylor could have fought to get Kai out of the trance of the staff and see that his friends mean more to him than having power. It practically writes itself and is a perfect set-up. What happens instead is that Cole is technically the one to save Kai from himself as he rams the Roto Jet into the chamber and makes the rocky serpentine structure come crashing down on Kai. Maybe interesting to read into if you want a Lava reading of the show, but in that moment is just a wasted opportunity. Come on!

-Actually, also talking about other bad concepts, I don’t miss those weird energy dragons they could summon starting from Tournament of Elements. The dragons in Rise of the Serpentine/Legacy of the Green Ninja were fine because they had a logical reason for being there and actually were integrated into the plot (so you got to watch them being maintained and having moments with the ninja). The energy dragons in Tournament of Elements existed for one character as a plot thing (Zane’s, because he always had the good plots in the earlier seasons), but then everyone else suddenly could do it too and they became convenient plot devices and nothing else. Airjutsu I was more okay with because it seems more like a tool they’d use and could be integrated better, but I can also see why that stopped being used (outside of that one bit in Prime Empire).

-The Elemental Masters are both over-hyped and underdeveloped. The normal civilian cast really got the shaft once the series decided it wanted to explore this lore, yet the only ones I really got interested in in any way were the villain EMs and Karlof. And even Karlof is overlooked by the fandom, by the looks of it. 

-Jay actually came off the best in the Rebooted love triangle. He’s not entirely perfect, but he is essentially the biggest victim as a result of it in that season, and what Nya and Cole did either bordered on or was outright callous for different reasons. I think if people gave Jay the biggest shtick for Rebooted’s events, it’s influenced with how Skybound botched trying to patch it up. 

-The movie was a net positive influence on the show. Aside from me preferring the designs of the movie anyway, it forced the characterisation to actually pick a lane for each character and stick to it, mitigating a lot of the haphazard characterisation issues. The inconsistency in later seasons is tone instead, which is maybe why people thought the characterisation was inconsistent between Sons of Garmadon/Hunted and March of the Oni/SotFS (when really, they weren’t that different if at all). The show also made a good call in ignoring movie Zane’s characterisation; as much as I enjoy it in the film, it really didn’t gel up with what the show had done with him, so trying to force it in would have been more of a characterisation jolt than any of the early season stuff. 

-I’m generally fine with Jaya and Pixane. The former I can see why people would be off about it because there have been some badly written periods for them, but I think on the whole it manages to hold it together. The latter was written in surprisingly smoothly given the circumstances, so it’s no wonder I don’t see discourse about it. 

-Oh yeah, I don’t get Wu/Faith as a ship. Like, she was the cool drill instructor/aunt to everyone, including Wu. This is a quick one because it’s just a very small aside.

-Also I can’t really get behind Polyninja either. If the characters had a fairly even spread of interaction and moments between each other I could, but the spread ends up like lots of moments between Cole and Kai varying from little moments to huge dollops, and Cole and Jay having a whole best friends affirmation arc due to the fallout of the love triangle, to Kai and Jay having barely anything to work with and anyone with Zane getting a couple of table scraps occasionally. It’s not even enough.

-Following on from that though, Zane feels the least integrated with the group dynamic in general. He’s has some of the best plots and stories in the show, but nearly all of them have been focusing on him solo. And not even SotFS or Prime Empire helped with this one. Hopefully MoM can smooth this one out a bit. 

-Finally for this post, after going through all those seasons I still prefer Nya’s movie voice to her show voice by a significant margin. Sorry Kelly Metzger. 

I think that’s it. I’ve actually been on this for a week but I’ve been allowing time for more thoughts to come to me, because there have been a lot of thoughts coming in batches. I think I’ll leave it at this though, because I think most of it is covered pretty well.

I have at least two more text posts like this planned, but they’re not strictly about the old seasons so I’ve left them for after. I’m looking forward to them though, because they’re on specific topics and that is my bread and butter pudding. 

[capfalcon]

I’m the friendship anon, and I am just waiting to go off to college. I have some good online friends but I just don’t have a best friend and I’m really envious of your friendship with your best friend l. Like I just wish I could have that. But thank you.

well, i mean, for 3 years, my best friend and i hated each other.

legitimately.

friendship isn’t given or taken or anything like that. i’ve put more effort into my friendships than some people have in marriages. and our friendship isn’t perfect, she does things that piss me off sometimes, we have some issues we don’t talk about. but at the end of the day, none of that matters, because i know that as long as i’m alive, she’ll have my back.

i’ve been extremely lucky in my friends. all of them. but that’s also partially because i’ve sought them out. and because i cherish them, and i don’t take shit. if you allow your friends to disrespect you, then they will.

my friends can call me an idiot and make fun of me, but it’s all okay, because i know they respect me. none of my friends have ever insulted me, not truly. i’ve never even had a fight with a friend. 

part of it is luck, but also, part of it is choosing the right people.

[zenithzephyrs]

storytime

I hope writing this will be therapeutic. Rambling may help against this occassional stifling feeling. It may be a satisfying outlet. Sometimes I wish people connected knew or cared to know my side, but over the years I have been too afraid of the embarassment from attracting attention to the matter. It is a taboo topic after all. Well, for years I have tried not to acknowledge that I am a victim of abuse. Not the physical kind but certainly mental and emotional. Everyone goes through bad relationships and breakups, that's how I rationalized what I went through. The fact it still has an impact even three plus years after it ended signifies that it is important. I shouldn’t undermine myself. This is the first time I’m writing about this relationship. I am aware as the teller that bias is inevitable. However I believe in the importance of presenting the situation as honestly as I can. Perceived bias would only serve to invalidate. I implore you evaluate any biases you may carry as well entering this story.

It all began in sophomore year of undergraduate. At the time almost everyone in my friend group was taking dreadful organic chemistry. As was necessary, we all spent a lot of time with each other in class, study groups, and office hours, so expectedly we grew closer. I didn’t know her well initially but I became attracted to a girl in the friend group. Certainly her looks played a part but I also liked the polished manner she conducted herself with. She always kept herself somewhat distanced in the group which made her mysterious and made me want to know her better. During the months of this crush, I worked to get closer and we did. I decided to tell her I liked her after having dinner with her. To which she rejected. With dissapointment I accepted her decision. Later that night we were all in the student center, studying. I was at a separate table and she asked to speak with me outside. I went and we talked more about “us” and I used this opportunity to make another case for myself. Finally she said “okay I’ll give it a try”. The visceral reaction I had still haunts me to this day. It was intense. It was my gut firing to me “this is wrong”. I wonder where it came from but I really wished I followed my gut that night. 

This relationship was over two years long so I’ll have to generalize. The relationship started off extremely rocky as she didn’t take me seriously in the beginning, need I remind you she was giving me a try. For another reason she was also a year older and expressed that because of her culture, having a man who is older was preferable. I felt more like a plaything and I was shamefully insecure. I didn’t believe she actually cared about me. Hearing about guys she actually had crushes on made me envious of what they received so easily. In particular I leaned there was a guy she liked who bore the same name as me and was also one year younger despite her insistence age was a factor with me. Moreover there were guys who liked her despite knowing she was in a relationship with me and one guy that was actually infatuated with her. Soon I learned he was even telling her “I love you” but she still texted, called, and met up with him while dating me those early months. I had entered the relationship wanting to respect her space. That was the first time I felt compelled to put my foot down and made her cut out that guy. Once the precedence was set, my insecurity lead to cut ties with any other guy who was perceivably a threat. There were others who were legitimately flirting with her. And others that in retrospect were not necessary to cut out. I am at fault for making her do that. Its unhealthy and it’s not something I would do now. It continued because it was mutual. From the beginning she made me cut out female friends unless she trusted them personally. Early on, neither of us believed in each other. About two months in I learned the only reason she agreed to date me that night was to get closer to the friends who were closest to me. She didn’t really care about me at first as I suspected, however now she was “about the relationship”. Learning I was being used obviously led my trust to suffer but I kept with it.

After years of reflecting, I know without a doubt what she wanted the most was control. I had to play servant or exactly whatever she wanted me to be regardless of how that made me feel. If I ever made changes to myself of my own volition, she would get angry. Her anger was expressed by treating me coldly and indifferently. This was highly effective as I really wanted the relationship to work and it hurt me. The changes I am talking about include things like if I get a new cologne without confiding with her. If I tried to lose weight. Once we were with a group of friends at a dance so I started dancing but she expressed disgust and shot me down; I never did that again. Whenever I deviated too much from her expectations, she’d take issue. Thus she was highly unsupportive and made sure my confidence was low enough so she could have her way. Low confidence has always been a problem of mine.

Medical school began in the first year of the relationship and rapidly I matured. I realized if I wanted to make this work in the long-term, I had to trust her. I was successful in actually no longer caring if her friends were male. I believed she had the sense that if she was leading a guy on she would do the right thing. Jealousy was always a problem in previous relationships so this was a huge accomplishment for me and I was proud of it. I thought, I’ll give her trust and the time for her to come around. Of course it was never applied to me. Despite acknowledging she had a jealousy issue that she “wanted to fix”, the difference is I actually worked and did it. It got to the point where I was scared to make any female friends that first year of medical school and guilt was trained into me. There was even a close long-time mutual friend who lost her mother that year, and did not have many friends besides me. I wanted to support her but my ex took issue with that. I even had to do a few meetings secretly because I believed I should be there. Ultimately my ex proposed it was either her or cut ties with that friend. This was the essence of why I wanted to become a doctor, to help people. I am ashamed I chose the latter. 

Here comes my stubborn hopefulness. If anything bias would work against me because throughout the relationship I always blamed myself. I believed her and valued her thoughts more than anyone elses. I believed she was too good for me as she made sure I was aware. Therefore every criticism I took to heart. For instance, early on she criticized my wardrobe so I began binge shopping, spending maybe even a thousand dollars to feel like I was good enough for her. Those early days of cutting out the guys that wanted to be with her, made me feel like cutting out my long-time female friends was justified. Of course it was certainly not. But I foolishly believed it would help her like me. I wanted her to focus on me. I did not want to feel insignificant next to her any longer. I wonder why she had to treat me with such disregard.

I’ve said alot but it was the fights that brought hell on earth. She admitted later, to the benefit of my closure, that she purposely picked frequent fights with me. It went like this. I would do something hardly worth anything more than a quick reprimand. For example, crack a slightly insensitive joke. Respond to a text not “loving” enough. Anything she could find as ammunition she would instantly target and drag it out. She’d get angry and criticize me until I began reacting negatively. I would be incredulous because for me the reasons were never nearly as important as not damaging the relationship with the fights. The moment I responded negatively, she would clam up and give me the cold treatment for hours or even days. Again I was so vulnerable to that old feeling of indifference. This move would infuriate me to no end. Repeated cycles of this would push me to my wits end, leading to explosive, never physical, but verbal fights to get a reaction out of her. Once she pushes me to that point, she’s set. She can use it against me to get off easy while I blame myself afterwards for exploding. Her truth is that she was never ever at fault, exemplifed by the single digit times she has ever apologized to me in a 2+ year relationship. Whether she actually believed she was faultless, I do not know. I’m not sure which one would be worse. Many of the comments made by me in those high anger states were derogatory and really mean. I am responsible for that and I hate what I was at that point in life. 

Despite this I worked in vain to keep the peace. These fights were happening multiple times every week, for over a year. Almost always provoked by her, with no exaggeration. The toll this takes on a person mentally is really hard to describe, and made me a colder person I had to recover from. I begged her every fight, “please stop getting angry over the little things”, “It is messing me up, let’s work to keep the peace in the relationship”. She’d verbally acknowledge my side, quickly follow always with the incessant word “but”, and state her case and demands. I need to emphasize that the very next week she’d again target some other small issue, expertly apply cold treatment until I exploded, apologize to her for both things, and begged her to stop picking fights. Repeat. For this reason I never started fights with her because my priority was keeping as much peace as there could be. Clearly it can be seen how this behavior enacts control. She knew exactly what would make me tick and she exercised this ability loosely and irrespective of how I was feeling as a medical student. Never would she adjust to me or care if I was happy. I was like a servant. I worked hard in medical school just to make time for her.

If she ever needed something more potent for control than picking fights with me, it would be breaking up with me. They’d always come unannounced if her stress peaked. Immediately she’d give up. I guess the relationship never meant anything to her in those moments. I, the dumb sucker, would fight to get her back. If she agreed it came with new terms and conditions. This happened 8 or 9 times in the relationship, always in this fashion. In retrospect I was far weaker than I am now and in addition to no control in this relationship, I barely had any over myself. My life was dominated worshipping this girl. My only request was to “please stop attacking me”. No one knew what was going on because a requirement of hers was to never talk about our problems with others, especially not those we mutually knew. I was alone in this. Of course I know why the abuse remaining hidden was so important to her. 

 I went on a medical trip end of first year of medical school with study abroad. I had lost a lot of friends by that point. There I found people who were so incredibly supportive and made me feel valued. It built my confidence back up. Listening to the opinions of these new friends gave me the realization that this situation would never get better. I reflected on how there were many times that she would get mad if I was cheerful and in a better mood than her. This is a glaring red flag as it means my happiness had no place in the relationship. On that trip, I was enjoying myself while she wasn’t so she threatened to break up with me. I asked her to forgive me. Two days later during a call, she picked another fight. I had it this time. With the support of my trip buddies, a rediscovery of who I was as a person, and a flight away from her, I, for the first time, truly stood up for myself and ended it. After that we didn’t talk for about 4-5 months. 

One of my biggest regrets is reconnecting with her. This moment is actually silly and depressingly absurd. I have a headphone that can make calls with a button. One day I accidentally pressed the wrong edge of a button and it activated FB messenger voice call, and for some unknown damn reason it was calling her. I hung up in quite literally a second hoping she didn’t get any notification. Soon after she texted me asking “you called’? That really unsettled me.  I thought she had moved on, why was she still so attentive to me? Isn’t a break-up what she wanted for so long? I waited a few weeks but gave in and reached out to her. I could have not done that. It was a mix of returning back to medical school, losing that social support, and being stressed and lonely. She was very much for meeting up again. During that meeting hopeful me was in full force. Hoping she learned her lesson we could give it another try. It was because in retrospect I did love her. The good times were nice, but the bad times were just so frequent it overshadowed anything positive. During that meeting she said she would do things differently. A quick damper came after we expressed a desire to restart that I found out she was hooking up with one of the male friends I trusted her to hang out with during first year of medical school. I never dug for any information. We had been broken up so it was fine. But it brought up negative thoughts about how she may have been taking advantage of my trust during the relationship since I never asked for details. Who knows. It’s fine to expect sexual activity when single, but it doesn’t have to mean trust can’t be damaged. She also didn’t want to cut ties with him if we started dating again. So at this point I sobered up and I said this wouldn’t work and decided we should not try to salvage this. Then for the first time, she chased me. 

She kept apologizing and trying to get me back. It may have been my well trained low ego, but that really touched me. I kept persistent but eventually her promises were so great, that finally I agreed, hopeful for a new start to a better relationship. Once that happened it was all over. The day it happened, she switched to “well I’m going to do all this for you, what are you going to do for me?” She went back to criticizing, and cold treatment in only a few days. She then broke up with me out of the blue and completely cut ties with me in under a week.

It was all over so fast, I was so angry and so confused. I soon realized this was revenge for breaking up with her, an act she had utilized on me so many times without a thought. Once she had control back, she made the move of ending things on her terms. I had learned during those months after I broke up with her, she felt depressed and couldn’t sleep. I do not believe it's because she cared about me but that I got the better of her. In the end, I don’t think she ever loved me as compared to the control and what she invested in the relationship. She had the completely random opportunity to end things with her the victor and she was successful. I hope you can sleep well with yourself now.

That is one aspect. What affects me more frequently nowadays is my sadness towards the lost friend group, the trust of other friends I’ve sacrificed, and the thought of friends I was prevented to ever make. After the breakup the friend group sided with her. One of the members is my ex's best friend so of course would support her no matter what the truth was. Even a year after the breakup, I knew this friend was still saying malicious comments about me to people I knew. My ex is lucky. I was a goner. The guy side deferred to the ladies running the group and essentially all let me go. This is despite the great irony that I knew she hated many of the current group members, at least while we were dating. Yet she is celebrated and I am excluded. It feels incredibly unfair to go through all this and have no one from the group even nod in the direction of my side. If they knew, would anything change? Or am I just a nuisance? They’re probably all fine without me so I should stay away. The point has been made as to why I would want to maintain friends like that anyways. Fair point. I do really care about connections with people, sometimes too much. Anyways, these thoughts are probably why for years I barely told my story. Well for my own sake, this is my story. 

PS. I am now in an amazing, healthy relationship with a girl who treats me the right way. She is so good to me that at first I was like, isn't this relationship going too smoothly? Being in a healthy relationship has really helped me reflect on the wrong delusions with the aforementioned. I now know I am capable and deserve to be in a loving relationship. She makes me happy and I am in a much better place. Hope would not exist without her. 

[ddaenggtan]

jungkook

j | write or describe an alternative ending to [insert fic].

You didn’t pick and I’ve been sitting on this for a while sO y’all get to know how From Eden was supposed to end before I wussed out and decided Nah Romance Y’all! I’m putting it at the end, though, because this is long enough as it is!

u | share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.

ryn i know u sent this and i hate you for making me pick anyone at all for anything sO YOU’RE RUDE, BLOCKED AND REPORTED, I’M MAKING YOU ONE OF THEM AND I HOPE IT GETS CHUMMY FOR YA

@fortunexkookie - ryn is easily one of my favorite writers, because everything they write is very real. like. each mc is relatable in their own way, they’re all very human and flawed and realistic, and i really love that. each of their iterations of the members are also very distinct, like their Falling Skies Jungkook is very different from their The Turing Test Jungkook, while still maintaining, I think, the things that make them them. Both Jungkooks are, at heart, very much like I imagine the real Jungkook to be, while still being distinct characters. If you dropped them both into a room, they’d have their own personalities and quirks and traits, but they’d still be JK. And the way Ryn does their world-building is simple and understated but it can’t be denied that it’s some of the most beautiful worldbuilding I’ve seen. And we’re not going to start on the prose part of their writing, because I will legitimately never stop talking about the way Ryn consistently puts in lines that just. Echo. In your brain. Like. It flows and it emotes and it’s perfect for the scenes, but then they just hit you with these specific parts that just stay in your heart for so long that they grow roots. I’m never not going to be in love with Ryn’s writing. 

@junqkook - Yara is an ICON. Like. HOW she read something I wrote and thought it was good I still don’t know because I legitimately am floored every single time I read something by her. I’m pretty sure I’ve gone through her masterlist at least twice, and every single story is so unique and creative, even the ones that are inspired are published series, and I’m just. In awe. The characters she creates are always so varied and intriguing, and the worlds are so interesting and fascinating, and I am consistently envious of the way her work flows so smoothly and so naturally. It all has such a natural progression, the dialogue is genuine and real, and I’m just. I’m in awe. Literally in awe, I love it so much, and I can only hope that my shiny garbage can one day be like that. 

@gukyi - i don’t think we’re actually mutuals, because I could only wish for someone like Guyi to know I exist, and the only reason I’m keeping the tag is bc she deserves all of the love and praise. If you want good fics, especially if you’re not one for the smut, then you really need to be following Guyi because the worlds she creates in her fics are absolutely astounding. Her entire HP au series is absolutely phenomenal and creative and stands out from every single hp au I’ve EVER read, which is rare because while they all tend to be good, they also all tend to be very similar because there’s only so much you can usually do in a hp au, and I haven’t read a single fic from her that I didn’t love. Victorious? Iconic, the worldbuilding she did to add onto HTTYD was phenomenal, and she blew the childhood friends to enemies to lovers trope out of the park. Her horror fics are some of the only ones I’ve read because they’re just that good. THE WEDDING PLANNERS? Truly iconic. I honestly WISH I could write like Guyi. 

n - answered here

g | do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order?

I’m a dumb bitch, so I have to write my story from start to finish. I tend to ramble in my notes about various scenes I want to include, and maybe some random notes about the relationship or their personalities, but like. 

o - answered here 

k | what’s the angstiest idea you’ve ever come up with?

That’s gOTTA be Forever Rain, like. I’m not usually an angst person, so I’m not super good at coming up with angst prompts, but Forever Rain is EASILY the most angsty thing I’ve ever come up with. I’m getting sad just writing it, like. 

From Eden Alternate Ending

The aftermath of the fight with Demeter changes everything. Hoseok and Hades don’t see Yoongi before he gets dragged back to Olympus, which shouldn’t be possible in the first place, but Zeus has always tended to side with anyone who wasn’t the Queen of the Dead. No one is even sure Yoongi’s alright until Hermes comes down to tell them about Zeus’ decision, and Hoseok is pretty sure he’s never seen Hades angrier than that night. They haven’t spoken since, not really; he knows that she visits him when she thinks he’s asleep, knows that she runs her hands carefully through the air above his fractured wing even as she has to work to stitch her own body back together out of shadows and the memory of what hope felt like. The guilt shoves from her in waves, until it cloys in his throat and drowns out his own. Hades is focused on her own pain; how she should never have gone to Zeus, never have sought out what Yoongi was so afraid of, never trusted that Hoseok would be able to stay with him when Yoongi could convince anyone of anything. She doesn’t talk to anyone, doesn’t do anything but the work expected of her; the dead are piling up, slower than during Demeter’s rampage in the mortal world, but without Hoseok there to pass judgement, the Council is forced to, and they take far longer than he ever did, and she doesn’t know what she’s going to do because he was hurt because of her. 

Hoseok, meanwhile, is on bedrest, forced to spread his wings over several chairs so that they stay put, so the bones don’t break further and they set correctly. He’s a god - one of the oldest gods - but Demeter knew what she was doing when she twisted his wings beneath her and laughed as they cracked. In this story, Hades does not talk to him softly as he heals; she’s too afraid to see the accusation in his eyes, the blame that does not exist. She doesn’t tell him that she thinks its her fault, so he isn’t able to convince her otherwise. He doesn’t shed any tears with her in the darkness, she doesn’t hear his whispered confession that he blames himself because if he’d stayed...if he hadn’t flown off to try to protect his queen then maybe, just maybe, Yoongi would still be there. He’d still be safe. She doesn’t wipe his tears with her thumb, she doesn’t press a gentle kiss to his cheek after asking for his forgiveness, he doesn’t slide his lips across her knuckles and tell her there’s nothing to forgive. Instead there’s only Hoseok, stuck in a room and in pain, wondering if he’s condemned Yoongi to death because he couldn’t follow orders. 

In this universe, Hades is too afraid to send warnings to Olympus about what might happen to the dead if Yoongi returns hurt or upset. She doesn’t want to meddle more, doesn’t want to cause more damage to the flower god that she loves so much, doesn’t want to watch him crumple like the blossoms around her pomegranate tree. Can’t bear to think about where the golden drops that decorate the ground there came from, but can’t bear to have it covered, either. It’s a reminder, of just what happens when she gets too close. Of what happens when she lets herself forget that she carries Death on her fingertips and Tragedy in her footprints. 

In this universe, when Yoongi returns, he isn’t waiting in her room to tell her that he loves her and Hoseok. He doesn’t hold her, doesn’t show her how much he missed her in those months. In this universe he comes back quiet and solitary. He doesn’t visit Hoseok at the gates anymore. Yoongi can’t bear the reminder of the pain he caused. This time, Yoongi stays in his room. He visits the tree and his flowers, tends to them until the remnants of his blood are visible no more and the only reminder of that night is the taste of pomegranate on his tongue. He doesn’t visit Hades, doesn’t make jokes with Hoseok, and neither of them seek him out, too ashamed or guilty or grief-stricken to be faced with the hope he holds in his very skin. None of them can bear it, so none of them do. 

Hades stops wandering the Meadow. She doesn’t visit the gates, either, ignores the whines of Cerberus when he misses her, refuses to pass anywhere near the courtyard where the tree sits, surrounded by a kaleidoscope of color that she’s grown to hate. The smell of pomegranate surrounds her, as it always has, but it turns her stomach now more than ever. She cries more often than before, and no one notices. 

Hoseok doesn’t let the Council take over again. There’s a backlog of spirits, that’s the excuse he sticks to, and there’s too much work to be done. He pets Cerberus when the dog whines, letting all three heads lick wounds in him that no one can see, and he pretends that it’s okay. He doesn’t look at the flower crown hanging on the peg nearby, pretends it’s not there and that it’s as faded and withered as the ones behind it. His judgments become harsher, less forgiving than they were, and people stop asking for them. He stands with the dog at his back and the anger on his face and pretends like he’s healed. He doesn’t acknowledge that more broke that night than just his wing. Or that it never really healed. 

Yoongi doesn’t speak. He’s silent and steady in the darkness, hands moving on instinct. He misses Cerb, misses the way he would cajole Hoseok into judging more souls, misses the way Hades would smile as she worked on the flowers. But he knows better, now. His mother spent six months reminding just what would happen if he ran again, what would happen if he let himself think he was safe again. He has nothing else to do so he thinks, about what he should’ve done. How he shouldn’t have convinced Hoseok to leave, how he shouldn’t have been in the Meadow, how he shouldn’t have asked about the pomegranates, how he shouldn’t have gotten attached when he knew she wouldn’t let him stay. How he shouldn’t have run. The pile of flower crowns beside him grows with every day, and they mock him with their refusal to wither. They stay, bright and full and hopeful, a light in the dark of his room that refuses to go out. When he leaves to go back to his mother, he doesn’t take them with him. 

[storiesofwildfire]

( repost, do not reblog. )

tell us your favorite quotes from your character. give us an idea of who they are from five nine don’t judge me things they’ve said. then tag your friends:

tagged by: @fiddlingonthetympanic tagging: @weightofmyshield @rationalunreason @nekrcun @lameshsorsye @nottobecrossed and whoever else would like to do this?

i. And if I do, then what? I love Thor more dearly than any of you, but you know what he is. He's arrogant, he's reckless, he's dangerous! You saw how he was today. Is that what Asgard needs from its King? ( Thor )

reason: This quote demonstrates that despite Loki’s obvious jealousy, he actually does have a point to make. Thor is reckless at this point in time. Thor doesn’t deserve the throne, else risk ruining everything. Loki sees things clearly in a way that no one ever gives him credit for. Loki understands what will happen if Thor takes up the throne and he understands despite selfishness or jealousy, what it means to actually be a ruler. 

Despite Loki’s descent into “madness”, before his fall, he does have the makings of a good king and good counsel, but no one has listened to him. No one would pay him enough mind to, so he had to do it for himself.

ii. Loki: So I am no more than another stolen relic, locked up here until you might have use of me? Odin: Why do you twist my words? Loki: You could have told me what I was from the beginning! Why didn't you? Odin: You're my son... I wanted only to protect you from the truth... Loki: What, because I... I... I am the monster parents tell their children about at night? Odin: [unwell]  No! No! Loki: You know, it all makes sense now, why you favored Thor all these years because no matter how much you claim to love me, you could never have a Frost Giant sitting on the throne of Asgard! ( Thor )

reason: Everyone loves to make the “oh, boo hoo, Loki’s adopted, he’s just a spoiled brat who has daddy issues” argument as to why Loki fell down the hole he fell. That couldn’t be further from the truth, in all actuality. Loki’s issue isn’t that he’s adopted. It isn’t even that he’d been lied to for so long. It’s that he’s coming face-to-face with the ideology that he is a member of a species that has been bastardized to the point that people are terrified of them, believe they are monsters.

His father and his mother lied to him, yes, but to the extent that they raised him to hate himself, to thoroughly believe that the very thing that he was is monstrous, disgusting, and wrong. 

Odin stole Loki from his home, raised him as something he is not, and keeps him pressed under his thumb until the moments where he was useful, always on a leash, never truly allowed to be freely himself without consequence and this? This is a revelation as to a logical reason for why Odin has been like that for the majority of his life. 

iii. I never wanted the throne, I only ever wanted to be your equal! ( Thor )

reason: People never take this line very seriously, but it’s actually one of the truest things Loki has ever said. Think about it? Loki’s the God of Mischief and Chaos. Being tied down to the never-ending responsibility of the throne--a prison sentence in and of itself--is not something Loki would actually enjoy, right? Of course not. 

But Loki has never been treated fairly by his people, never been held on the same level as his own brother, and even Thor is seen talking down to Loki, treating Loki as if he is beneath him. People get away with treating Loki--a prince--poorly because they see important figures get away with it, like Odin, because Loki does not conform to the norms of Asgard and therefore is “wrong” or someone worth shunning. Is it so hard to believe that he would want to be seen as Thor’s equal while being accepted for being Loki?

iv. I've looked forward to this day as long as you have. You're my brother and my friend. Sometimes I'm envious, but never doubt that I love you. ( Thor )

reason: Loki’s a big person to admit he’s envious, but there is a sort of genuine nature that comes along with his confession to loving his brother. This moment between them reads as lighthearted, but it is one of the loveliest and realist moments that Thor and Loki share as brothers. 

I also think, in a way, that Loki is trying to assure Thor that what’s about to happen is not meant to be malicious, it is only something he believes he has to do in order to show Asgard Thor is not prepared to be king. The good of all people comes above the good of the heir. One last moment of love before everything goes to shit.

v. Thor: I will tell Father you died with honor. Loki: I didn't do it for him. ( The Dark World )

reason: We see so many examples of Loki going above and beyond, of committing extreme deeds in hopes of winning Odin’s approval and being a worth Son of Odin, which he never actually achieves. In this statement, he finally acknowledges that he doesn’t need that. He didn’t fight alongside Thor for Odin. It was for Thor, it was for his mother, it was for Asgard, and above all else, it was for himself.

vi. Malekith! I am Loki of Jotunheim, and I have brought you a gift! I only ask for one thing in return; a good seat from which to watch Asgard burn! ( The Dark World )

reason: Up until this point, Loki cannot bring himself to admit that he’s from Jotunheim. It’s a truth that he even lies to himself about repeatedly, over and over again, because he can’t accept it, can’t wrap his mind around it, can’t digest it. Even in this scene, when trying to trick Malekith, he chose to be truthful about his origins, and accepting it aloud, admitting it to someone else, also helps Loki to solidify the truth in his own mind. This is really the first time we see him come to terms with the truth, even if somewhat forced.

vii. It's not that I don't love our little talks, it's just... I don't love them. && If I am for the axe, then, for mercy's sake, just... swing it! ( The Dark World )

reason: This is just showing how... 100% done with Odin Loki truly is. People don’t like to think of Odin as an abuser, that he was actually a decent father, but he wasn’t a good parent. Not to Thor and not to Loki. Odin is one of Loki’s abusers. Odin has hurt Loki in ways that no one can imagine and even in the face of being imprisoned forever, in knowing that he can use a perfectly legitimate excuse of “Thanos used the Mind Gem on me and forced me to do his bidding”, he didn’t try to defend himself. 

He knew Odin wouldn’t believe him, knew Odin would never acknowledge the parallels between what he was condemning Loki for and what he’d done himself, willing. 

Rather than fight with Odin, try to change his mind, run, anything--Loki’s just tired of Odin, tired of answering to him, tired of fighting him, tired of everything having to do with Odin. To the point where Odin would, perhaps, just be more merciful in ending everything rather than drag it out.

More than anything, he just doesn’t want to beg Odin for a gods damned thing unless it is a true end.

viii. Barton told me everything. Your ledger is dripping, it's GUSHING red, and you think saving a man no more virtuous than yourself will change anything? This is the basest sentimentality. This is a child at prayer... PATHETIC! You lie and kill in the service of liars and killers. You pretend to be separate, to have your own code. Something that makes up for the horrors. But they are a part of you, and they will never go away! ( The Avengers )

reason: This is plain old self-reflection. Loki’s talking to Natasha and yes, he’s describing her, but he’s also absolutely describing himself and the situation he’s stuck in, the situation he’s been stuck in under multiple people. First Odin and then Thanos, both people who used and abused Loki in different ways, both people who manipulated or forced him to do things that he did not want to do, both people who helped stain Loki’s own hands.

This child’s prayer, as he calls it, is his own prayer, his own desperate cry for help and reflection. 

ix. Thor: This place is perfect for you. It's savage, chaotic, lawless. Brother, you're going to do GREAT here. Loki: Do you truly think so little of me? Thor: Loki, I thought the world of you. I thought we were going to fight side-by-side forever, but at the end of the day you're you and I'm me and... oh, maybe there's still good in you but... let's be honest, our paths diverged a long time ago. Loki: Yeah... it's probably for the best that we'll never see each other again. ( Ragnarök )

reason: Loki likes to act like he does not care about Thor and that the opinions of others don’t matter, but this highlights how much Loki actually does care. He’s afraid of being what everyone expects of him but he doesn’t exactly know how not to be, because everyone assumes the worst of him no matter what he does. He desperately wants approval from others, desperately wants them to see his best qualities, but he’s constantly faced with scenarios where people do not. And it hurts him more than he could ever admit.

[snippets-n-excerpts]

Almost a Chapter One: Narutoverse, SI, I-do-what-I-want

“What,” is stated blandly right over me as I lay flat on my back, the sky a brilliant hue this time of the day, fading from a purpled midnight to true morning blue. I take a deep breath, gather the air that was knocked out, and cough once. Much better. At least the grass is thick and soft, if wet.

“Sorry, gramps,” I rasp. “I thought you would move.”

“And I,” comes the amused baritone, “thought you would stop.” I’m suddenly airborne, large hands pulling me up until I can look the white-silver haired man in the eye properly. With my (long, long, <I>long</I>) braid swinging like a pendulum behind me, I know I look like some spoiled princess. “Hime-“ there it is, the assumption, “-what are you doing out so early?”

Since this is a <I>ninja</I>, it only makes sense to <I>not lie</I>. “I’m going to the Market,” which, true. “Because mama asked me to,” and not true.

Let me rephrase: I try not to lie badly.

Still, he seems to be... okay with that answer. “Why don’t I accompany the little Hime?”

I look him over. Smell the sweat, the blood, the foul stench of a stomach and intestine having been cut open—it was only a deer one time when my baby brother had been trying to learn and the smell never left my memory. Remarkably? Deer and men smell just alike when eviscerated. So, I raise a brow. He cannot have forgotten he smelled like a cheap butcher. “How about you go wash up, <I>then</I> come to Market? I’ll be here for some time.”

He snorts after a moment of contemplation, sitting me on my feet and wiping my back off efficiently. “Alright, Hime. I’ll go get cleaned up and meet you at Market.”

I can’t stop my smile. He’s adorable. “Use soap!”

He actually laughs and I feel my little four year old heart flutter. Dammit. I hate how... unaltered and genuinely I like people at this age. It’s confusing. And manic. No wonder most children are little skitzo maniacs who would follow a stranger home. Turning away with a red face, I carefully do not stomp to the center of the village to the massive trades good center called simply Market.

I browse for a moment, frowning at the bits of rotten food that hasn’t been taken out of the haul on the outer stalls. Such terrible manners, these sellers. Still, these ones tend to have better prices for spices.

“Ah, Hime!” The old man two stalls down leans over, waving for me to come closer. “It has been a few days! Are you well?” The old guy with false teeth and enough wrinkles to make a Pug envious is Honda-san. He keeps me in sweets and citrus, having his own grove and living his life doing this more for the human interaction than need of money. His son is getting ready to inherit, his daughter married to a well off merchant in Tea, and from what he says, a small army of great-grandchildren. He’s a sweet guy, really. And literally.

“Yes, Honda-san?” I enquire with a small smile. Tugging my nearly ankle length braid over my shoulder, I look over his counter. I am... large for a four year old. Exceptionally tall, actually, but not as tall as I could be considering who my parents are. Still, I can pass for a tall six or short seven year old. It is disconcerting looking in a mirror. And not because of my size.

“Just the person I was looking for,” he states, avoiding all gender specific pronouns. He knows a lot, even my gender, but he is also kind of crazy and likes to mess with people’s heads. Winking like the mad man he is, he heaves to drag up a massive basket of fruit is haven’t seen since becoming aware of this life. Star fruit. “I know you said something about fruit the shape of a star once! I found an old man-“ ah ha, that’s hilarious coming from him, “-who grows it. He is willing to part with a few cuttings and Hime gets something Hime wants!”

I legitimately squeal, seizing the basket and staggering back when the full weight settles in my arms. I start to trip and fall when strong arms pluck me up. The hand is large, hot, and really familiar. “It’s not even been twenty minutes!” I yelp, kicking my feet. “Put me down, please!”

I’m set gently to my feet and that same large hand comes down on my head like I’m his kid. I look up and snort. His hair is still wet and dripping into his face, the profile achingly familiar and yet different. He’s legitimately beautiful, the kind that grabs at your lungs and holds tight for the first moment every time you look at them. This is also the first time I’ve even seen him properly in this life and I already miss his son who hasn’t even been born yet.

Why hasn’t he had a kid yet? He’s obviously old enough. “Are you married?”

There’s another startled laughed, the man looking down at me even as he takes the heavy basket from my hands. He doesn’t even shift with what has to be nearly thirty pounds of exotic fruit. That asshole. “Maa maa, Hime. That is a personal question.”

Okay, yes. And, honestly? I get it. We live in an almost modernized war-state, the threat of assassination to spouses and family and friends a high stakes game that nobody wanted to trust or loose to. So, no personal questions. After all, the villages were just formed and, hey, why not celebrate with a massive <I>war</I>?

Frowning mullishly at my thoughts, I grab the left hand of the tall man. Shinobi. “Come on, old man, I have a lot of shopping to do before breakfast.”

“Well,” begins the man as I lead him from stall to stall, watching me sweet talk and haggle prices. I am not good at it. At all. But I’m a baby-faced child and the shopkeeps are fond of me with my often return business so the prices are usually fair and even a few take pity to give me better prices or more produce. “I would say your mother should be doing this...” I glance at him as I finish at the tomato cart, daintily tucking green tomatoes into the star fruit basket along with all my other purchases. He seems to mull something over before waiting until I tug him into a small alley, looking up expectantly. As the short alley is a nice spot to rest out of the crowd, we garner no attention. “But she isn’t in the village is she?”

Drat and damnation. Of course he could parse that. I sigh, his eyes taking their time to look me over. He might be seeing a resemblance which, okay, I can handle, but why is he so suddenly invested in me? Hello? Kid who ran into you this morning? For the first time?

“And you don’t... seem to live with a father...?”

I snort. “If the man even knows I exist, I will make you breakfast for a month,” I bargain recklessly. “I’m a battlefield baby. I was conceived and born in bloodshed, old man. And, once mother was well enough to go back, she went.”

He shifts back, something like surprise flickering over his face. “Then. Who <I>are</I> you living with? Your father’s family? Your mother’s?”

I could say “personal”, but this is one of the mainstay people of my every wish (and nightmare) brought to life before me. I am fond of the idiot. Which, an idiot, really. Who talks about shopping with an unknown child covered in stale viscera?

“Both,” I not-lie because I do. Technically.

The look he gives me is pretty intense. I’m not lying, but I’m not saying the whole truth. How can he tell?! Does he smell it on me? Hand on my hip, I pout at him. “What?”

He crouches, settling the basket on the ground and setting his hands on my shoulders. “Hime-chan, please,” he says firmly, softly, as if I’m one of his teammates, someone important to him as he slips a familiar honorific in there, “tell me the truth.”

I take a slow breath, looking at this man that I know and do not and sigh it out. Patting his arm, I grab my basket and start to drag it out with me. His hands don’t leave me—in fact, he hauls me close to him and stalls me in a hold even experienced shinobi would have trouble getting out of. I groan, stomping me foot. “Dammit, old man!”

He sighs in return, pressing his face to my neck even as I stiffen for a moment. When he breathes deep, his chest expands like a barrel against my shoulders. “Okay,” he begins, voice a little rough. “Okay. I have a proposition for you, Hime-chan.”

I wiggle a little, biting at the hand in reach. “No,” I hiss like an angry cat. “I don’t want to! Because you will find out and they will have expectations I <I>cannot</I> live up to!”

“Is that any damned reason to be damn near malnourished?!” he growled back, my frame too thin for bones underneath. I kick back futilely before sagging. Fine. Whatever.

“What do you want from me, old man?” I huff, sagging like a sack of angled sticks in his arms. He has picked me up twice already, so of course he would notice.

He sighs, plopping down on the ground and probably in something disgusting because, hello, people are filthy animals, then tugs me into his lap. “I want you to stop lying and tell me why you are severely underweight for an Akimichi.”

I let my head thunk on his shoulder. Fuck. Fine. “I’m not a full Akimichi, old man. And, honestly, they don’t seem to want a halfbreed.” Which, ahem, about eighty percent true. The hand close to my face releases its hold to tap my nose. He legitimately growls when I stay quiet for several beats. I roll my eyes. “No. I told you well enough, now let go so I can buy a shit tone of food that won’t feed me properly.”

He stands, tucks me under his arm, and then the basket under the other. Shit. He’s going to take me to the Akimichi clan head. Fuck. No, no, no, no! That will end well for exactly no one. So I struggle. Hard and sharp, and finally sigh with the knowledge that I’m going to have to do something stupid. Maybe bite the hand that carries me. Or slide out of my clothes or, ah, bribe.

What the hell does a four year old have to bribe an adult?

“Put me down, put me down, putmedown!” I snarl quietly, not wanting to bring the whole of the street down on us. Yet. “Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’tdoit!”

Shit. Fuck. Dammit. Hell.

I flop over his arm, resigned because I can’t even wiggle enough to twist, much less loosen my layers. I can’t reach anything to bite. I don’t want the word getting back about me at all. So.

“I’ll bribe you. Let me bribe you,” I beg, voice low.

The man stops for a moment, turning his head down to look at me. That is real mirth in his eyes and I like it, but not nearly enough to put up with a clan head that does not want me. “What does a brat like you have to offer me, Hime?”

Ah. Back to that. Suffix removed. “Well, I can cook. Or bake. Or steam. Or fry. I make dog friendly treats? I would like to see the other side of ten?”

He seems mildly uncomfortable with my dispirited tone, as if he’s squirming on the inside. It does not, in any way, stop him from strutting his way to the Akimichi clan holdings and right up to the clan head’s house. The Head himself is out killing people for his military dictatorship, so it is his wife that is in charge. I try very hard to avoid her.

She does not, in any way, like me.

“Maa, Akimichi-sama,” Sakumo murmurs, putting my purchases down on the porch before stepping closer to the round faced woman. “I found one of yours.”

He presents me like a puppy, swinging me up and around, hands under my arms and held out. The woman sneers as if something gross has been presented. Yeah well, I think, you’re a different kind of bitch, lady. I curl a little into myself, eyes firmly on the tatami mats and wood grain. I do not try and make eye contact with my (distant) cousins because I know I will be ignored. I am not wanted here.

I eventually lowered, tucked into his chest with one arm as his disarming smile becomes a bit more forced. “Maaa, Akimichi-hime, the little one here seems to not be getting the right food. I know the kid shops by-“

He didn’t get further as the wife of the clan head started. “That thing is not an Akimichi. Not really.” This is stated calmly, voice soft and firm and irrefutable. “What do I care? Keep it. Feed it if you must. Drown it, maybe, to save us all the extra work.”

[killthebxy-archive]

1. being bastard born in Westeros

          let me start with a simple but crucial point: Westeros is a medieval society --- which means it is traditional and built on strong patriarchal foundations, for the most part. Westeros is a racist, sexist, ableist society. and, in Westeros, and especially among the highborn, it is very rare that you will marry for love. if you are highborn, you will marry someone of similar status based on some benefit that this alliance will bring to your parents/ family/ house. if you’re lucky, you will eventually learn to love your spouse, but that is not a requirement --- what is expected of you is to have strong sons (preferably, that the firstborn is a boy) and beautiful daughters to continue your legacy. and you are expected to fulfill this goal together with the lord husband/ lady wife so carefully picked for you.

          what does being bastard born mean? simply put, it means your parents are not married. it means either you were conceived before your parents got married (either to each other or to another person), or that you were conceived through adultery (consensual or not). and, let’s be real, six of the seven kingdoms, Dorne being the exception, do not regard illegitimate children in a positive light. being bastard born, based on what i wrote before, means you were born from lust and/or from betrayal, and this, in this society, immediately implies you have bad blood. it immediately implies that a baby still in the mother’s womb is already expected to grow up to be wanton, treacherous, cunning, ambitious.

          this may not seem obvious but, in a way, being a highborn bastard is more difficult than being a lowborn one. one the one hand, it is rare that the illegitimate child of a big (or even smaller) House of Westeros will be allowed to live with their family, or even to be acknowledged at all. for example, out of all the bastards Robert Baratheon fathered, only Edric Storm and Mya Stone are directly linked to his name. Ned Stark is a rare exception in this case, for raising Jon Snow as his own son. note: for the purpose of this meta, i am assuming what we know from book canon up until the end of ADWD: Jon is the child of Ned and an unknown woman. i will speak of Rhaegar Targaryen further on, but this is the assumption of this whole piece of text.

          for this reason, highborn bastards are also seen as a much bigger threat. why? because it is common belief that they will try and steal what belongs to the legitimate children by birthright. again, because they are seen as inherently envious and treacherous. GRRM provides some tales throughout the books, of bloodshed between half-siblings for the sake of power, and Ramsay Snow/ Bolton emerges as prime example of such --- stopping at nothing to earn himself a legitimate name, first, and then the ruling of House Bolton + Winterfell.

2. Jon Snow as a bastard child

          no surprises, everything i just mentioned is valid in Jon’s case. Catelyn Stark herself worries that Jon will be a threat to her children, and, for example, argues with Robb when it is his will to make Jon the new King in the North, should Robb himself fall in battle. and this is important to mention for two motives. one, because Cat doesn’t despise Jon for his personality or character traits or any possible flaws --- she despises him for the symbol he is. and we are presented with evidence that she resents herself for being this way, for being unable to love a motherless child, but the very negative connotation of Jon’s birth and everything it entails make it impossible for her to treat him differently. and it doesn’t help that Jon is always described as the spitting image of Ned Stark (or the Starks in general), while her own legitimate children (Arya being the exception) have 100% the Tully looks.

          and, before i get to the second motive, let me point this out. have you wondered why Jon hates to be called Lord Snow, once he arrives at Castle Black? it may seem odd, because, objectively, it is a respectful title --- Jon is technically highborn, and Snow is his last name. however, the negative stigma of being bastard born is, exactly, why this title is both used and taken as mockery. because a bastard has no right to inherit anything --- therefore, has no right to be a lord unless legitimized. treating Jon as Lord Snow is actually incredibly cruel, because it is both throwing on his face something he can never have (i.e., Lord), and, at the same time, the reason for it (i.e., Snow, the name given to the bastards of the North). and this is so prevalent that it keeps happening even after Jon is elected to be lord commander, as we can clearly see in the discourse of Janos Slynt and Godry Farring, for example. even Ramsay, after becoming a Bolton, is still often described/ regarded under the light of his birth. being bastard born is something that accompanies you for life, almost always in a negative manner, and there is very little (if anything) you can do to distance your own identity from it. for the most part and for most people in Westeros, you don’t exist as Jon Snow --- you exist as Ned Stark’s bastard.

3. internalization of the stigma

          everything above brings me to the core of this meta: the impact that being bastard born has on Jon’s identity/ personality/ psychological functioning. and, to start this, i could pick half a hundred quotes from Jon’s chapters, but i’ll pick one that particularly speaks to me:

they still think me a turncloak. that was a bitter draft to drink, but Jon could not blame them. he was a bastard, after all. everyone knew that bastards were wanton and treacherous by nature, having been born of lust and deceit.

A Storm of Swords --- Blood and Gold, pp.171

          this isn’t anyone talking about Jon; this isn’t Alliser Thorne of Janos Slynt or Cregan Karstark calling him the bastard son of a traitor --- this is Jon speaking of himself. this is Jon describing himself as a bastard and everything it entails, to the point where he cannot even bring himself to blame others for mistrusting him --- because it is to be expected, because it is his own fault for being bastard born. this isn’t the first time in the books such an appreciation is found, we can already see similar introspection in the first half of the first book. Jon has entirely internalized the stigma of being bastard born. now, from the ever-helpful Wikipedia:

social stigma: disapproval of (or discontent with) a person based on socially characteristic grounds that are perceived, and serve to distinguish them, from other members of a society.

internalization: involves the integration of attitudes, values, standards and the opinions of others into one's own identity or sense of self.

          basically, what this means is that Jon sees himself, whilst a bastard, the same way society does. it means that he was taught what being bastard born means (all the negative connotations i wrote before), and he’s accepted this as being true in regards to himself. he seems himself as different, for being bastard born, and he sees himself as lesser. and this doesn’t happen at Castle Black, where he starts being mocked as Lord Snow. this has started before he was even born, because he’s not seen as a baby but as the proof that even the honorable Eddard Stark once screwed up, and this continued throughout his childhood and early teen years, when he was raised and educated like the rest of Ned’s children but, at the same time, was ever made to know his place and that he was different --- that he was below them. for example, how he’s not allowed to sit at the dais together with his family when King Robert’s court visits Winterfell, because such a thing could cause offense to the royal family. as curiosity, reminder that, in the books, this is exactly the reason Jon gives to Mance Rayder to convince him that he was a desertor: did you see where i was sitting, Mance?

          what is this impact on Jon’s functioning then? first and foremost, it means he tends to see himself in a negative regard. during his first chapters, like when he firstly arrives at Castle Black, he tries to externalize this burden. he’s cocky and he’s immature and he acts on his short temper and makes every other new recruit hate him. why? because he so much wants to prove (to them, to Benjen Stark, to the Night’s Watch as a whole, to himself) that he’s better than everyone else --- that he’s better than his symbol as a bastard, that he’s better than what everyone expects of him. we don’t really get a chapter where Jon tells Benjen (or anyone) why he wants to take the black --- by the time they talk, Jon has already made up his mind. therefore, this bit is a headcanon on my part, but i don’t think i’m wrong in assuming that Jon wanted to join the Night’s Watch because he didn’t have anything else left for his future. he’d never have a right to Winterfell, and the most he could ever hope to inherit was, maybe, some little keep somewhere in the North, and to defend it under Robb’s name. the Watch gave him at least an opportunity to rise above his bastard status, and, when he arrives there and keeps being treated the same, that’s when he snaps and starts literally bullying everyone else for it.

          Donal Noye has a crucial role in Jon’s change, and he is also the underlying tone of the whole kill the boy and let the man be born --- but this is subject for another meta, and i will not touch it here. basically, once he starts treating the Night’s Watch as his new family/ home, Jon’s negative regard of himself slowly and gradually stops being directed to the outside, and starts being directed to the inside --- to his own self. this becomes exponential after Ygritte’s death (which he blames himself for, not exactly for being bastard born, but he still does and this adds up), and even more so after he’s elected lord commander. and, as i like to say, when you look at AGOT Jon and ADWD Jon, you see two different persons. lord commander Jon forces himself to be guarded and isolated, for the sake of better leading his men, and he suffers a lot with insecurities and self-doubt --- because, let’s be real, he’s a 16 year old boy suddenly charged with responsibility to guide nineteen castles and all the men and women inhabiting them. we often see Jon wondering what Ned would have done in his stead, and even more often we see him worrying if he’s making the right decision --- but having to push through, anyway, because winter is almost upon them and he doesn’t have time to sulk.

          and what does being bastard born have to do with this? it is, exactly, the fact that Jon, simply put, believes he’s a bad person because he’s a bastard --- and how he’s come from trying to fight against it, literally fight, to accepting it and letting it subconsciously become his default mode of functioning. Jon is a perfectionist and very, very hardworking, because he knows there’s no other way for him to be. let it be known that both Jon and i love Robb beyond any words, but Robb is the heir --- whenever Robb makes a mistake, that’s okay because everyone knows he’s honorable and righteous like his father, so it’s human to make mistakes. when Jon Snow makes a mistake, it is because of his bad blood and because he’s the bastard son of a traitor, and what else could you expect. this is why none of the Stark children can ever understand what being a Snow entails, even Arya who ever fought for the sake of her brother being treated as an equal. Jon lives on the edge, constantly, and he’s well aware he’s got no room to make mistakes.

          this is why he’s always so sullen, this is why he takes apparently harmless jokes very personally, this is why he has a hard time believing in praise offered to him. because his entire identity is built on being inherently less than most others, even before his birth, which leads him to always having to push his limits and be perfect --- being good isn’t enough for him, he cannot allow himself the luxury of making a bad decision --- and this is tenfold when he’s in a position of leadership, be it as lord commander or, in show canon, King in the North. which, non-surprisingly, is extremely tiring and always has him under tension. and this is also why he tends to draw to himself the guilt over matters that aren’t even directly under his control, and why his biggest fear is the fear of failure. because, all his life, Jon Snow wanted to be Jon Stark --- wanted to prove to his father, and then to everyone else, that he was more than a negative symbol, and worthy of his/their trust and acknowledgment. failing, even something as silly as sending a raven during the night when he was supposed to send it during the morning, means he’s not worthy of his father’s name; it means that the world is right, and that he’s no more than his bad blood. needless to say, all of this is why Jon is so adamantly against fathering bastards of his own --- because he would never want a son/daughter to have to carry the burden he’s carried for his entire life.

          as a conclusion, this is also why, in this blog, the annulment of Rhaegar’s and Elia’s marriage will never be accepted. it goes without saying that Elia deserved so much better, but the point of this meta is that being bastard born is the foundation of Jon’s identity, and it has impacted his story and functioning in ways that cannot be erased. suddenly making him Aegon Targaryen 2.0. for the sake of sitting his fine ass on the Iron Throne does NOT change his past and does NOT change who he is. therefore, in my personal portrayal of Jon Snow, even in purely show-based threads and despite what season 8 may throw at us, he will always be bastard born --- Ned’s bastard or Rhaegar’s bastard, it makes no difference. because the Jon i love and write doesn’t need to be of legitimate blood to matter and to be valid, nor will i ever completely erase and disregard the circumstances that made/ make him who he is.

[im-a-fading-star]

i fucking hate this envy i hold against you. its really not your fault, you never did anything wrong. and i dont think you’ll ever do anything out of bad intentions because all you’ve ever wanted to do was share love and be loved. you’re getting what you want from the right person, and i wish i was that right person too. you’re surrounded by so many people who love you and i am too.

the difference is, people like you have no reason to adore me. people like you have no legitimate reason to want me. im thoroughly convinced i’ve fooled you for years and even gaslit you to stay my friend, and even my girlfriend. ive been nothing but selfish from the beginning, and i’ll be selfish until the end. im stuck inbetween wanting you to stay, and wanting you to split up with me because i just want you to have better in your life. i want that to make you happy, even if it makes me miserable, because i dont deserve you, or our other gf in our polyamory.

i feel like im just making excuses to mope around from day to day now. im told time and time again to mend these relationships, just to be happy for you and the others. that sticking together is worth it. we can grow up together. i can talk to everyone every single day, even just for a few minutes, right? or every other week? maybe every other month?

i can’t do that, though.

i’m not like you. i’m not like anyone you know at all. i’ve tried to be for so long, believe me. i’ve played so long into the neurotypical role, i’ve never had any real reason to be miserable unlike everyone else around me. everyone had actual problems, all ive ever wanted to do (and still do) is help in every way i can. i know youre the same way. at least, you and the others succeed with that.

you succeed in so many things, even if you dont think you do. you succeed in being a great friend, a great partner. a great artist, a great sister and daughter to your family, even if they dont respect you for it in the slightest. an excited learner, a willful experimenter, one of the most fun conversationalist with the brightest and creative ideas ive ever known. youre so indulgent in so much. how could anyone not want to be around you or be your friend?

when i look at you though, i cant see any of those things in me. i cant see a single reason why anyone would still even try to stick with me. everyone should know full well that i cant keep up a conversation for more than a day before shutting down completely because i get so fucking exhausted after breathing a single word, after dreading being a complete idiot. not seeing any way how i can improve, or put in the effort for anything like i used to. or to see a reason why anyone would be humored by my interests when i ramble about them. i never shut up back then, isnt it doing anyone a favor that im shutting up now? how is it still hurting everyone? i wish it wasnt. i wish it was never hurting you. i wish you didnt feel anything for me, or mail me anything, not because i dont want to spend time with you but because itd spare you of all the extra effort.

i really dont know if this can be maintained. you’re both trying so fucking hard to maintain it. maybe im not trying at all, maybe i am, but at the very least, i know i’ve been having so much trouble with trying to feel something for the group we’ve shared for years. and if i drop it, theres no potential left. no future left. and yet that doesnt scare me. yet i dont feel anything for that. i dont feel anything for a lot nowadays, but even just thinking about any of this right now makes me feel numb and depressed.

but lets face it, i dont think i’ll ever be as interesting of a person as you guys, no matter how much i try. in reality, im just empty space that you guys are trying to fill. and im sorry. i keep wondering if splitting up will just make anything better or worse, but im genuinely scared that i just cannot maintain relationships anymore. im scared of feeling only envy for you and not love like i used to, because im so fucking attached to one single person now who was influenced my life to change more than anyone else. you’re not unequal to her. youre not unequal to anyone, please god never take it that way after everything i just wrote.

its just how ive always felt. and i feel like being apart should be tearing apart that mindset but its just made me bitter and tired of everyone and makes me dread coming back even more. im just a fucking imposter and a faker, i always have been. ive never had anything interesting going on, all i do is just fucking wallow to myself and you dont deserve that, no one does. but what am i supposed to do? i have no fucking identity and i break apart whenever theres any sort of emotional turmoil now. i hide when people are upset now. not because ive been abused, because my mind just convinces me my shitty little brain is my only safe space in case something really awful happens. and if something really awful does happen im stuck in my own fucking head being selfish as i always am and youre hurt and its all my fault again and even though its my fault i just cant fucking CHANGE the fact its my fault because i dont take RESPONSIBILITY anymore AND YOU’D JUST BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME OKAY? YOU’D SUSTAIN SO MUCH MORE OF YOUR WELLBEING! you’d have less anxiety rather than fretting over my stupid fucking ass, even if the depression sinks in i hope you’d eventually get over me even though i wouldnt over you because youre so worthwhile of everyones time and youve been like a part of me for years, the BEST part of me, the person ive always wanted to be, the person ive always wanted to swap shoes with even if it meant i got your terrible family i’d ESPECIALLY take it in a heartbeat if it meant that! but god id give you everything id ever have just to see you improve because i never will! i’ll never be anything like you, i literally never will!!! i cant make friends, i cant keep friends, i cant be a good friend, nor a good girlfriend, or even a wife, i cant be ANYTHING good, i cant be anything like you and i HATE being envious over you, even the slightest bit jealous that you and everyone else can at least keep it together for someone else!!! I FUCKING CANT!!!!!!! I WISH I WAS LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU HOLD SO MUCH MORE LOVE THAN I EVER COULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyways, if anything happens, i love you so much to death, and. i just... hope that your future will turn out as bright as it ever could be. i hope you get the career you want, and save up enough money to move out. i hope youre surrounded by so much more people who love you and convince you that youre worth all the time in the world and that your family writhes in their own dirt for treating you so terribly. i hope you realize your own strengths and your ability to shape the future. i hope youre as healthy as can be. i hope you’re still with her if i cant be there for either of you. i hope you eventually realize that maybe im not really good enough for you, and never was in the first place. im happy my ex at least got that benefit. i’ll be happy if you realize whats best for you, too.