#my ex and best friend fucking LAUGHED at some of my trauma I don't care I don't care anymore

[elytrafemme]

what do i have to do for it to matter. people get medication and people get treatments and people get sympathy and people get explanations and people get diagnoses and people get to check all the boxes. it feels like my brain is physically forcing itself not to be too close to an explanation because at the last moment all symptoms will suddenly go away (i’m going to fucking kill Dahlia actually, because I think she’s the reason this keeps happening to me and even if she isn’t I’m just going to keep going until i find the bastard who is responsible). i go to therapy for five fucking years and nothing ever changes. it took whoever i was before this to fucking die before i could be split into this system and that was the most change we ever went through positively was someone fucking disappearing. 

oh mare you could have bipolar ... if your hypomanic periods were more rhythmic :/ or if the manias were worse lol :/ you could have psychosis but its not that bad :/ schizophrenia but you’re too “functional” you talk too “articulately” you’re never getting “anywhere” :/ you could have BPD but your life would be sooooo much more miserable mare and aren’t you happy :/ you could have CPTSD but you can’t even remember what happened to you can you? :/ 

I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I’ve done EVERYTHING right I have been so much BETTER about recovery than anybody I have met in my entire fucking life and I get nothing for it. I go to every therapy session I do all the positive self talk I try not to be toxic to people I try EVERYTHING more than ANYBODY. and all I get? Nothing. I never get ANYTHING. 

[mywheelieweirdlife]

I realised tonight that I struggle telling my new partner about my disability despite him being the most loving, supportive, wonderful person and one of my closest and best friends who is absolutely amazing with my conditions and already just automatically takes initiative to look after me before I'm even worried about my symptoms... like he goes 'that's not normal and okay' and just goes and does whatever I need, sometimes only asking permission because he knows I need something but can't do it and I don't like asking for help.... because my ex boyfriend was so ashamed of me that I literally can't wrap my head around the fact my current boyfriend can love me this much.

Because I was too loud, too bouncy, too much, too weird, because people stared when he kissed the person in the wheelchair and they made comments and because I was disabled and needed help and he didn't know what to do and wasn't able or willing to do it and refused to listen.

To the point where I'm surprised that my boyfriend got me a glass of water when I was in pain and he looked at me and went 'Ashley, that's lower than the bare minimum and you deserve so so much more than that' and then I cried about it for a week.

And that tonight, he took care of me with low blood sugar, and once we got home and I said it was definitely a wheelchair night because my legs were absolutely about to go, he undid my shoes and took them off for me and set up my wheelchair and then once I was in my chair, he just stood there cuddling me and playing with my hair for a minute and told me that I was beautiful and he's so lucky to have me.

He kisses me in public, he holds me in public, he pushes me around when I'm tired and flirts with me and tells me how cute it'll be when our little polycule has kids and he makes me feel beautiful and good and I laugh when I'm with him like I haven't in a relationship since fucking 2017.

And this absolute dork of a human, who loves me and I genuinely don't think he could ever be embarrassed by me based off the chaos we are together and how much he genuinely worships me (and it goes both ways)... I can't get myself to tell him everything that I hide about my disability.

The things only my best friend knows. The things I say in-front of him to friends in medical terms bc they're also disabled and we nod and get it and we lowkey discuss symptoms, but like, how do you just tell someone the symptoms of 'I have a weak pelvic floor because of an injury that my body decided to shut down from and now half the muscles in my pelvic floor have lost muscle tone and I'm trying to learn how to use them again but my condition also just turns them off sometimes' and that 'I deal with an injury that ruined my gut bacteria so on-top of that and muscle problems, sometimes my digestive system just stops for ages but I have a hormonal condition that fucks with insulin production so I still have to have something so I mostly have liquids and occasional solids until it turns back online and that has some not fun side effects.'

Or the good old 'I have cramping through my entire body during some flares that sometimes makes me an insufferable bitch to be around because I'm in so much pain I literally can't function or breathe through them and all I can do is try to sleep for a few days until it ends and I will not want you anywhere near me or my bed during those flares.'

And that maybe some of my conditions and concerns will change with treatments, but some of these are from the physical symptoms of traumas long term after effects because even if I can stop what caused the damage doesn't mean it'll 100% fix the damage.

I might be able to stop the automatic stress response that starts creating muscle tension so extreme it literally paralyses me... or I might have actually caused some nerve damage through that over the year and some of the sensation in my body may have been lost a little or be hypersensitive because my body is terrible with limits.

Like there was a time when I wasn't ashamed or embarrassed by this, because it's human and it happens and I was hurt and this is what happened from it... but that one ex who would constantly fight with me because he was so embarrassed of me and who I am, completely broke my sense of self and my self esteem by deciding my normal didn't matter.

That my body and my disability was too hard for them so they did very little to protect or help me and even when they did, they complained about it and I felt like a burden.

And my boyfriend doesn't make me feel like that ever, he's struggled to get my wheelchair in his car, but his response to that was about working out what he needed to move in the car. I had a seizure while out, a really bad one, and he carried me to my best friend's car, carried me inside when we got home after getting me coffee and put me on my bed and stayed there looking after me and cuddling me and we played CAH with my best friend and my niece.

Like this man has never given me a reason to doubt that he would do anything for me, he held my drunk ass up in the shower at my cousins after I got a smidgen too drunk to be safe on my own. And he also reminded the entire time that I was okay and safe and he loved me and wasn't there for anything but to get clean with me and make sure I didn't fall on my ass again that night.

And I trust him with everything I've got, I've always felt physically safe with him and as we've grown older and he's grown tf up a little (because guys in their early 20's are stupid, he's a few years older than me, but like, in the 2-3yr older range, not the creepy range) we've finally matched maturity and life points really well and everything just aligned perfectly for us and we realised we were more than friends... I trust him with more and more, including some of my biggest secrets and traumas and my dramatic personality.

But I can't wrap my head around how to trust him with the full extent of my disability, not because I don't want to, but because I'm really scared to after my ex shamed me and made me so uncomfortable and embarrassed with the surface level of my disability that I don't have the words for the harder more private parts of my condition anymore.

And that just hurts. I want to let him in fully and I want someone to see all of me and all my struggles and challenges and everything that I am and that's a part of me and love me not despite or regardless, but through it and with it all.

I want to be seen and heard and loved… and he would immediately, without a single doubt, I would be shocked if he reacted in a way that hurt me because at this point I'm finally learning to not be anxious saying things that would start fights in old relationships because he'll just say he's proud of me for telling him and that he loves me and that it's okay and he's here for me and ask what he can do to be supportive during the hard times.

But that fear and the look on my ex's face when I anxiously showed him videos by another wheelchair user who created entire YouTube series on disabled living and my ex asking 'do I have to watch and know this' with a look that honestly haunts me to this day and is burned into my memory and soul because it's also the look my father has when someone mention periods or starts playing WAP... it stopped me from being proud of myself for the last 3 and a bit years.

And now I want to share myself with someone that I love and trust and I can't yet and I hate it.

It's also why I'm writing my book. Because fuck we all deserve to feel good regardless of our disabilities and no one should be hurt like this because someone said stupid shit projecting their insecurities and bullshit onto us. I want to feel beautiful and sexy and passionate and be open and honest and optimistic about sex and living and working on this book (slowly af but it's still being worked on.) is helping a bit. The rest is shadow work, my friends and my partners.

But god I wish I could be more open and honest with myself and them about my struggles.

[nightowl33art]

Gonna try to use Tumblr a little bit more than I have been. Will start posting art and shit here. Might update my intro post or something. I also intend to use this page as a slightly more personal place than my Twitter. So I might post things like thought trains, random notes, personal messages, and my less mainstream creations, like poetry. Consider this a start. If there's major backlash or regret for this decision, I'll overturn it, but if not, buckle in for my random shit.

(CW for grooming mention below.)

----

If you didn't know, I was groomed a few years ago. My groomer and I spoke from mid 2020 to early 2023, so I knew him for over two years. He was my best friend. Over the span of 2022 he went from a brother, to a lover after I turned 18, to my ex at the end of the year. I didn't realize it was grooming until late last year, and it still affects me to this day.

Clearing tabs, I came across a music video I bonded with him over. It hurts to remember things sometimes. Listening to the song brings joy, but I feel pain remembering the context I've mainly come to associate with it. After all, I haven't really touched that song since him,, til now.

The entire friend group we had at the time was nd. so we took stims and stuff off each other. Created a lot of inside jokes. When we cut off anyone deemed bad for us, he hoped they'd feel upset remembering these jokes and stims. For us, we'd still be able to laugh and not let these things weigh the jokes down.. Now that I'm on the other side, I've recontextualized some things so they don't bother me. But I can't help but remember sometimes. Those are the painful moments. They can bring tears.

I hate how the memory of my groomer sours some things. I wish it didn't feel so unpleasant to recall certain interactions with him. I used to console him all the time, the insecure wreck. Tell him I didn't hate him- that I could never. Fuck man, I defended him, saying he couldn't be a creep! I thought I got myself into that mess! But I'm a grown up now. I'm the age he was when he met me. My eyes have been opened. I hate him now. I despise what he has done. Although I am not permanently ruined, I am burned. Sometimes the scars are still tender.

Ik he occasionally stalks around the socials of those he's kicked away or those he doesn't like. He hate watches and laughs, calling them pathetic and what have you. I'm not exempt from the list. (In the past he and my ex, his partner, stalked my carrd to find the Twitter account I'd freshly made. I know bc his partner came in complaining about something I'd commissioned and rt'd.) I don't doubt they still check in on me every once in a while.

I used to be there with him. We'd ask "where are they now? What stupid things are they up to?" and go look. We'd treat the subjects like personal clowns and take joy in their pain. For someone so worried and traumatized over being a lolcow, he sure enjoyed making others his. (This is not to invalidate his trauma, but it does not justify him.)

Tumblr. I always viewed this place as his turf. I used to enjoy what he posted here. It was in my bookmarks. Now he's blocked. But I don't assume it'll stop him if he wanted to view my page on, say, incognito. Not much I can do to run or keep his eyes away so i have to be okay with that. BECAUSE of that, I don't mind posting about this- about him- on my Tumblr. So, to my groomer, if you're reading this.

Fuck you. YES I hate you and you're gonna have to live with that forever. I assume you don't care anymore what I think, but I retract everything I said when i knew you. I hate you. I hate you so fucking much. Whether or not you intended to hurt me in the way you have, you did, you selfish bitch. I looked to you for safety but you metaphorically dug your nails into my veins while I slept. I only am awake now to see the wounds. I thought you were the coolest motherfucker alive, I idolized you, I fell in love with you, and now I can only look at you in disgust. I'm aware you're likely not out there grooming others. You only have your partner, who you also groomed, younger than me, by your side, happily taken, living with you and your parents. I'd say it's not okay but it has to be because I can't do anything about it. It was your and his choice to end up where you are currently. And frankly I don't care about either of you. I'm sure you're happy together, living your best lives. Just know you're not having a better life than I. I've been out here, LIVING and thriving. You aren't superior to me (though I'm sure you enjoy imagining you are, sitting in your fortress while reading this in a silly voice.) I've got new opportunities, better friends, a healthier everything, and I'm content with my current love life. Rest assured, I have grown from the person I was when we dated. I wasn't in the best place and I regret my nasty moments. I feel bad for what I've done, but I also have to be thankful. If I wasn't in a bad place, if I wasn't just a scared and lost kid, I wouldn't have escaped.

You grew sick of me and kicked me out of everything we had. You were so petty as to give personal info to mutuals in a gc (like COUGH my irl name, seriously?) So petty to delete thousands of messages you sent me. So petty to cry about me being "abusive." You weaponized and demonized my mental illnesses, diagnosed and unknown, to make me look worse. Like actually fuck you for making my alter Carl seem like a dangerous person. Fuck you for saying I physically attacked people when no tf I did not. I, and most of my system, would not begin to dream of striking a person like that. (The ones that do are using fantasy to cope, I should clarify. We are not a violent person.) And certainly not an animal jfc. "So glad you're away from him," they responded. They thought ill of me because of you. You're probably satisfied with that because you believe it all yourself. I know you think everything you did was right, but stuff like borderline blackmailing me is not the way to go fyi. Controlled the narrative to take away what I had. They trust you, they'll instantly take your side, esp because there's two of you, when in reality what you said about me was mostly misunderstanding or spiraling assumptions because you overthink way too much. No reality checks to keep you in place. I can still break it all down point-to-point.

If I think back, it hurts that you assumed I never loved you. That I dated you out of pity. What the fuck man. I loved you to my last breath,, before you killed me.

But if I was not mentally unwell back then, I would likely still be with you. And that's a terribly unpleasant thought. I'd still be terribly dependent on you to regulate my emotions, and you'd be just as dependent on me. Egads. Yikes. Ew.

I'm glad you broke up with me. Thank you. The heartbreak was painful but worth experiencing, considering the alternative. I know you're not part of my life now and I couldn't be more thankful, but if you're still checking on me, there's no point to doing so. I'm not out to hurt you so checking for signs of danger are nullified. I don't think what I do now makes you laugh either. I'd prefer it if you leave me alone now. Lord knows I want you far away from me. I'm glad I never got to meet you in person.

At least you're just distant memories now.

[ashotofeuphoria]

As I Hold You

Pairing: Firefighter! Jongho x Injured! Reader

Word Count: 3.4k

Warnings: character death (not member or reader), ANGST, car accident, blood, injury, fire, v brief description of a dead body, trauma, potential miscarriage (hinted at), let me know if i missed anything!

Authors Note: First fic! Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoy!

You don't remember the impact. The sound of metal crushing, of horns blaring, and tires screeching. Everything just went black.

You had been out running errands all day with your younger brother, Gabriel. You needed to pick up some more supplies for your baby who was soon to arrive. Your first baby shower was scheduled for this upcoming weekend. While you knew that your family and friends would support you and buy you most everything you needed for your baby; you still wanted to buy cute outfits and toys in the anticipation of their arrival.

Your final stop was a new boutique that opened across town, and your younger brother was eager to chauffeur you. He knew that you were a little scared of what the future held and wanted to ease any stress he could, by doing little acts of service for you.

You were living with your family and would remain there throughout your first year of motherhood. You hadn't meant to become pregnant. In fact, you were rather scared of the idea of children and pregnancy. But accidents happen, as they tend to, and your (ex)boyfriend ended up knocking you up.

It was an amicable split when you broke up. You both knew it wouldn't last, and children don't fix broken relationships. He did agree to support you the best he can and you're thankful for that much. It's overwhelming honestly, having the amount of support from everyone that you do. One thing is for sure, this baby will be so loved.

Your brother walked you out to the car, all the bags in his hands, opened the door for you and helped you in. You were only about 4 months along, so you just barely had a visible bump on your small figure. But he held your hand and helped you step into the car regardless. He shut the door and ran around to the driver's side before opening the door and hopping in.

"Thank you for driving me today, buddy. I know you have other things you could be doing," you said as he started the car.

"You know I'd rather spend time with you than do anything else. All I do is read and listen to music in my room, it's not like I do all that much," he chuckled, finding it amusing how appreciative you are of a simple car ride.

"Yeah, alright," you smiled towards him, "Still I know you aren't required to help me out, so thank you. Love you, bubs."

"Love you too, y/n," he said as he glanced towards you with a soft smile.

The car pulled out of the parking lot with the GPS routed 20 minutes down the highway to the boutique. Gabriel took a left out of the neighborhood, and you asked him for the aux.

"Sure," he replied, keeping his eyes on the road but reaching for the cord to hand to you.

You began playing your K-pop playlist, something that's been getting you through the days recently. When you hit shuffle, Love Die Young by Eric Nam started playing. You started to harmonize with the chorus as Gabe pulled the car onto the highway.

"Not this sappy shit, y/n, really?" he giggled as he watched you dramatically act out the song, clutching at your heart as you sing, staring at him with a smile plastered on your face.

"His voice is so smooth I can't help it Gabe," you exclaimed in a sing-songy tone. "So, what do you think I'm gonna have? A boy or girl?" you ask him as the car hits the speed limit and he puts on cruise control.

"Honestly, I think it'll be a little girl. I hope it is at least. We gotta buy so many cute outfits today. I can't wait to help you take care of them. Whatever they may be," he laughed glancing over at you.

"I have this whole idea for their room, I want to do a taupe and mossy green color for the walls. And I think I want a lot of cute pictures of plants and different animals. Ya know, to keep it pretty but neutral, something that can age well with them," you explained to him as he steadily controls the car.

"I think it'll look perfect," he responded. "10 more minutes and we'll be there."

You nodded your head and looked out the window at the greenery. Ideas of outfits and nurseries swimming in your head. You closed your eyes, propped your arm up on the window, and leaned your head against your hand as the car drifted down the highway.

Your eyes jolted open when you suddenly hear Gabe go from a whisper to a shout "fuck, fuCK, FUCK Y/N HANG ON!"

A car had swerved and jumped the median and was driving directly towards you, mere meters away. Showing no signs of stopping, and Gabriel having no real way to swerve to avoid them, he threw an arm in front of you, and you brought your hands up to cover your face, your knees coming up on instinct to protect your belly.

And everything went black.

----

When you came to, the first thing you noticed was the smell. Metallic, and smoky, like something was burning. Then you felt a searing pain in your head. You struggled to open your eyes but when you did you couldn't believe what you were surrounded by. The airbags had deployed, but there was blood splattered across the car. You could tell smoke was rising out of the engine, but you couldn't see much else through the cracked windshield.

You look to your left and see Gabriel covered in blood, eyes closed. And you immediately feared the worst.

"Gabe! GABE!" you reached over to shake him, to hold onto his cheek and try and get him to face you. To open his eyes. To do anything. Your ears are ringing, and you can feel your eyes stinging when he won't respond. Your hands are desperately grabbing at his shirt, and hair, willing for him to wake up, for him to be okay.

"Gabe," your voice barely bubbling out of your throat as sobs begin to overtake your body. "Gabe, please, please, wake up. please, you can't, no, please, Gabe, bubs, you're okay, we're okay, please," the sobs wrack your body as you gasp for air between each word. Tears are streaming down your face and suddenly your focus is on your hands, and you see they're covered in blood.

You hold your hands in front of you and stare at them in horror when your vision redirects to your legs. You're crushed in the car. Your legs trapped under the dashboard. Your hearing is slowly coming back as you hear sirens somewhere in the distance, but from what direction you were unaware.

You remember a car had hit you head on when it crossed into your lane going well over the speed limit. As you glance out of the passenger window to see what happened to the other car (and if you're even still on the highway) you're met with a ghastly picture of your face in the side view mirror. Your forehead has been deeply cut, and blood is dripping thickly down your forehead and has mixed with the tears falling down your cheeks.

You cough when you begin to inhale smoke. Your vision blurring, your head falls back onto your headrest as you pass out.

----

As you come to, a faint knocking sound begins to grow louder, until you can hear a man yelling "Ma'am! Ma'am! Can you hear me! You gotta wake up! Ma'am!"

You cough the smoke out of your lungs, your head throbs from the movement and you wince in pain. You're brought back to the situation you've found yourself in and remember Gabe is next to you. You look over to him and the feelings become overwhelming again, as you stare at what you can only assume is his dead body.

As a sob erupts from your throat, you look out your window at the man who was calling for you, and are met with desperate, soft brown eyes staring at you through a helmet and face guard. He's a firefighter dressed in full gear. He yells something to you, trying to overpower the other noises happening on the busy highway but you can't connect the sounds with words in your brain. You can only stare at him in confusion, tears falling faster down your cheeks, your breathing uneven.

You see him reach for the handle of the car door and try and open it mumbling a quick "fuck!" in frustration. You're trapped in this car, and he needs to find a way to get both of you out before the whole car goes up in flames.

"Get the jaws! The doors are jammed!" He yells at the team of firefighters surrounding the car and the truck.

He looks back down to you and says as clearly and reassuringly as he can, "Hey, it's okay. It'll be okay, we're gonna get you out of there, okay?"

You begin to nod your head in response when a knock is heard at your brother's window. You whip your head around and see stars for a moment. When your sight clears you see a taller man in uniform shouting to your brother, who isn't responding. Your voice is small and cracks as you try and tell the man outside "he can't, he's not-" and you feel your chest become tight once more.

You hear the man at your window begin talking to you.

"Ma'am, please try and stay still. We must make sure your head is okay. Alright? Please don't move too much. Can you do that for me?" he politely asks you, empathizing with your situation.

You meekly nod your head. Your eyes are stinging. You don't know if it's the smoke or the tears, but it's probably both. As you focus on the man in front of you, you hear the man near your brother begin yelling at his team about the window and needing to check Gabriel's vitals. The man in front of you can tell you're not paying attention, so he speaks up.

"Yunho is going to break the glass to check the man next to you, okay? Just look at me, don't look away from me, okay? My name's Jongho. Just look at me, okay? What's your name?" Jongho asks you to keep you preoccupied and focused on him.

"Y/N," you try and get out of your throat. It's so dry and scratchy your voice isn't much higher than a whisper.

"Okay, y/n. Listen to me, you'll be okay. I'm going to get you out, okay? Who is that in the car with you?"

"M-my brother, Gabe, but he, I-I don't thin-nk," you choke out as you stare at Jongho, unable to say the words. That Gabe is dead. But you don't want him to be. You don't want it to be true. You look down at your door, suddenly feeling very claustrophobic, unable to breathe. You hear glass shatter. As you begin to turn your head, Jongho raises his voice, keeping your focus on him.

"Your brother? Yunho is going to check on him and make sure everything is okay." you hear him say.

"Ma'am, are you okay?" Yunho calls out from the driver window. "Try not to breathe the smoke in, Jongho is gonna break your window to get to you, I'm going to take your brothers vitals and make sure he's doing okay. We're going to get you out of here as quickly as possible, okay?"

You glance towards him and nod your head, finding your eyes drawn to the way he checks for a pulse on Gabe, his slender fingers dancing on his throat, his wrist, anywhere he could find a heartbeat. And seeing the increasing worry on Yunho's face does nothing to reassure you. You see his eyes widen, and yours follow. He leans back and yells over to the team, "There's a pulse. It's faint, we need to get him airlifted asap! San, I need you over here!"

While you're fixated on Gabe's pale and limp figure, you hear glass shatter next to you followed by a warm hand turning your cheek towards him. You involuntarily gasp and sputter at the influx of fresh air.

"Deep breaths for me, Y/n. Please look at me." he gently demands. You look into his eyes as he shines a flashlight above them checking your pupils. He can see how bloodshot your eyes are from crying, and he glances over at your brother, then back at you. "Hey, it'll be okay, we're here now. Just look at me, don't look at him. You're okay. Everyone is here to protect you." he rushes out.

His hand rests under your chin as he uses two callused fingers to check your pulse. Then he gently tilts your head to each side to inspect the gash on your forehead as quickly as possible. He glances down your body to check your arms, and torso seeing they're mainly just bruised, when his eyes land on your bump.

His eyes widen as he asks you urgently, "Y/n are you expecting? Are you carrying a child?"

You hadn't even thought about your child. You had been so distraught over your brother; you didn't even consider the health or wellbeing of your unborn baby. Your heart rate rapidly increases as panic begins to set in.

"y-yes I am, I'm 4 months. I-I'm, do you think, are they? god please don't tell me-" you start blubbering as all the possibilities begin to tumble through your head.

Before he can reassure you, he checks down the rest of your body and sees your legs are trapped under the dashboard. And that even when the door is off you won't be able to get yourself out of the car. Jongho defaults to reassurance as he really can't even begin to answer the questions you're asking him, "I-it's okay. Everything is okay. Let's get you out of this car."

Smoke is becoming thicker around the front of the car, and you watch as it blows around Jongho's figure, flooding out the highway from where you sit. Tensions are growing higher as the crew knows there isn't much longer before the car is gone. Four men are teamed together and grab the Jaws of Life from the truck as they begin walking toward your car. Setting up on your brothers side you begin to hear metal cracking and snapping as the four men work to pry the car open with the heavy machinery. You're itching in your skin wishing to jump up and run now that you're trapped, and Jongho can tell. He has his hand braced at the back of your neck, keeping it steady, as you once again begin to panic; he rubs circles on your arm, and pushes your hair back from your sticky forehead and out of your eyes.

You can hear the Jaws stop and in the reflection of the side view mirror you can see Gabe's lifeless body being pulled from the car, his body pale and bright red from blood, blue and purple littering his figure. He's placed on a gurney and run towards the truck where someone begins CPR.

You redirect your eyes to meet Jongho's, whose eyes are looking deeply at you searching for any sign of pain or discomfort, any sudden changes in your condition. "Is he going to be okay? He has to be okay. Please tell me they can fix him." you plead with Jongho, who looks at you with nothing but the heaviest of hearts.

"We're going to do our best. I promise you we will do everything we can. But right now, we need to get you out of here too." he explains. "I'm going to go bring the Jaws over this way and we are going to get you two out of here," he asserts, gesturing at your bump. "I need you to stay still just like you have been, okay? You're doing so great. Keep your arms as close to your body as you can, and don't look at the window in case anything splinters. Do you understand me?" he asks you.

"Please don't leave me. P-please don't, don't go. Please stay." you sob as you realize you'll be left alone in your wrecked car.

"I'll be right here. Remember stay still and close your eyes." he reminds you as he drops his hands from you and gives his team room to operate on the car door.

You sob quietly to yourself. You can't believe this is happening. How Gabe could be here one second and now he's gone. The image of his pale bloody face is burned into the back of your eyelids as you squeeze them tightly shut. You hear the metal of the car frame crunching and cracking once again, as all four men yell commands and directions at each other. Your sobs are uncontrollable as you wish it had been you and not your brother. You wish with all your heart that you could've taken his place.

The door hits the asphalt and almost instantly you hear Jongho next to you, "It's okay. I'm here. I'm right here. I never left." He notices how black the smoke has gotten and decides to check your legs to see if he can carry you out before the rest of the car is disassembled.

"Can you feel your legs?" he urgently asks you.

You nod your head as you cough so hard that you gag.

"shit-" Jongho mumbles under his breath, looking all over your figure and the car, knowing he must move now or never. With his mind moving a million miles a second, he makes the decision that your legs are likely not broken and brings out a blade from his pocket to saw your seat belt off you. You watch as the sweat beads down his forehead and across his dimpled cheeks as he grits his teeth.

Jongho puts his arms under yours, pulling you into his chest, getting your upper body mostly out of the car. When your legs are more visible, he puts one arm under your back and the other under your knees and lifts. You slide out from under the dashboard and with your neck cradled by his bicep and forearm he jogs you away from the car towards the firetruck. He gets five strides in when you hear the explosion. You peek past his arm to see your car engulfed in flames. You can feel the heat on your face, and the sound has left your ears ringing once more.

The team must've anticipated the event as hoses immediately start spraying to drown the car fire. Jongho gets behind the firetruck away from the fire and sets you down making sure you are stable, with no further injuries from his manhandling. He gently places a hand on your bump and hopes against everything that this baby is okay. Just as he's about to stand to find his captain and report your status he feels your hands fist into his uniform jacket holding onto him.

"please don't leave me. please don't leave. d-don't go." you hiccup as you stare pleadingly up at him. With the way you're gripping onto him, he knows there's no way he can walk away from you right now. Instead, he stands up and grabs a clean towel from just inside the truck and begins to tenderly wipe the blood and tears off your face, avoiding the gash on your forehead.

He doesn't have the heart to tell you that Gabe didn't make it, his body covered with a sheet on the other side of the truck. He also doesn't know how to explain that if Gabe hadn't reached over to protect you, he might've been in less critical condition. That he died protecting you. So, for now he wipes away the grime; and, after seeing you shaking, unbuttons his thick uniform jacket so he can hug you; until the paramedics arrive and will inevitably pull you away from him. You don't hesitate to wrap your small arms around his waist, and he holds you, pressing your head against his chest where you can hear his steady heartbeat.

"It's okay, y/n, it's going to be okay. You're okay. I'm here. I've got you." he repeats it like a mantra, over and over, convincing he thinks, both you and himself.

[tinyboxxtink]

"Clueless" *Part 3*

Okay so my dog ended up being totally fine, and luckily I had most of this written beforehand. <3

PS- REALLY shouldn't have watched the actual movie while writing this...lulz. Count how many actual lines from the movie you catch.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 4

Tag List:

@lolliepopsicle

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@wanniiieeee

@milkshqke

@gibbs274

@aprildecker-blog

@objection-argumentative

@word-scribbless

@stars-in-the-skies-world

-----

He drove back up the Beach House, but you and Ariel had abandoned it for a loft in the city, no forwarding address. He asked himself why he was putting so much effort just to get back in contact with you. He couldn’t explain it, it was like something against logic.

He dialed Ariel’s number.

IGNORE.

Redial.

IGNORE.

Text: “Answer your phone!!!”

Redial.

“What do you want?”

“I want to talk to Y/N,”

“Well she doesn't want to talk to you,”

“What did you tell her, Ariel?”

“The truth,”

“I don’t...I can’t even begin to imagine what that means in your language,”

“Oh whatever Raf, what does it matter what I told her? She’s MY friend, not yours!”

“You don’t OWN her Ariel,”

“Don’t I?” She smirked. “I feed her, I clothe her, I give her a roof to sleep under. I even gave her a cute necklace with her name on it, like a collar,” she smirked.

"You're evil," he sneered.

“I’m a saint,” She scoffed. “Do you know where that girl would be without me? Do you know the years it would take in a therapist's office to heal the emotional trauma I so selflessly saved her from? Her life will be enriched and better because of me, how many girls can say that about you?"

“Oh right, like helping her hasn’t served you any purpose?”

“What purpose could it possibly have?”

“Please, if I ever saw you do anything less than 90% selfish I’d die of shock,”

“Oh that would be reason enough for me,”

“Look, I get it. You've never had a mother so you're treating her like your personal Barbie doll,"

“And what, you wanna be her Prince Ken? Or, lawyer Ken,”

“She’s NOT a Barbie doll!”

“You’re right, she’s not. So I’m not going to let you play with her emotions,”

“What does that even mean? For fuck’s sake Ariel, I just want to be her mentor,”

“Really?” Rafael could hear her rolling her eyes through the phone. “You’re trying THIS hard to mentor some girl you met less than 24 hours ago? REALLY,” She chuckled.

“I may not be ‘Harvard’ smart BRO, but I’m not stupid. I know when a guy has let’s say, less than moral intentions with a girl,”

“It’s not like that,” He growled. “She’s a sweet girl, Ariel. And I’m not going to let you try and change her into your clone,”

“Wha--my clone? Please, Raf she could NEVER reach my level. Believe me, I’ve tried for four years. She’s a good sidekick,”

“This isn’t over,”

“Isn’t it? You have ZERO idea where we are,”

“Please, there’s maybe 5 places in Manhattan you’ll go, and they’re all on the Upper East Side. It’s not hard,”

“Well then, I guess we’ll see who’s better at hide and seek!”

CLICK.

------

Ariel rolled her eyes with a smile just as you walked in the living room.

“Who was that?” You asked, toweling your hair from the shower you had just exited.

“Mom,” She rolled her eyes. “She wanted to make sure we weren’t tearing this place up,”

“Oh?” You asked, suddenly hopeful. “Was she going to ask Rafael to check?”

“What? NO,” Ariel shut down that thought quickly. “I assured her she didn’t need to send that dog over here to sniff around you anymore,”

“Ariel,” You rolled your eyes with a sigh. “I’m a big girl,”

“I know sweetie,” She walked over and scrunched your face. “Such a big girl,”

“Whatever,” You rolled your eyes again walking back to the bedroom.

“Hey…” Ariel grabbed the TV remote. “Do you wanna watch Clueless?”

“What? ….Why?”

“I don’t know, you mentioned it yesterday and now I can’t stop thinking about a young Paul Rudd,”

“....Who looks exactly like present Paul Rudd,” You laughed.

“I know right? I want the magic face cream he must use,” She giggled as you both sat down on the couch to watch the movie.

----

“See, Cher isn’t a bad person, right? She saved Tai,” Ariel gestured to the TV.

“Am I Tai in this situation?” You eyed her.

“Well, yeah,” She shrugged. “Duh,”

“I’ll take it, I love Brittany Murphy,” You shrugged.

“RIP,” Ariel made a sign of the cross with a kiss looking up to heaven. “We should pour one out for her,”

“On your mom’s thousand dollar rug?”

“Okay, so maybe just pour one for us,”

Her phone vibrated wildly; it vibrated so hard it fell off the coffee table onto the floor. You picked it up to put it back, but you happened to glance at the screen.

BHOLE BARBA: You can’t keep her from me forever, Ariel

Wha….keep who from him? You? Did...was he...did Ariel….?

“Alright, who’s ready for mimosas?!” Ariel said in a singsongy voice as she returned with two flutes of champagne.

“What is this?” You held the phone up to her. She read it, her eyes grew wide.

“I...He’s talking about the Adele CD I borrowed from him forever ago, he’s weirdly possessive about ‘her’,”

“Ariel,” You interrupted her with a stern face.

“What?” She played dumb.

“...How could you do this to me?” You asked with a hurt expression.

“Do what?” She rolled her eyes with a laugh. “Protect you from my loser ex brother?”

“You--! Oh my god,” You couldn’t believe it. Your own best friend was trying to mess with your happiness?

“Oh come on Y/N, it’s not that big of a--” She rolled her eyes with a laugh, pissing you off even more.

“It IS a big deal!” Tears stung your eyes, you hated that you started crying when you got angry. How pathetic was that?

“Why? You can’t possibly be in love with him or something,” She scoffed.

“NO! Of course not,” You crossed your arms. “But he could help me with school, with my career! Don’t you want me to get a good job, eventually move out of here?”

“Maybe I don’t!” She yelled suddenly.

“...What?” You asked in disbelief.

“Look, Y/N,” She sighed. “I...you...we both know under normal circumstances, we would never be friends,”

“...I mean, I guess…” You shrugged.

“Oh come on,” She gave you a look. “You’d have to explain every sentence you spoke to me,” She had crocodile tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Oh come on Ariel,” You sighed and sat next to her. “You’re NOT stupid,”

“I’m stupider than you!” She cried.

“...More stupid,” You corrected her.

“See?” She sniffled.

“Okay, but-- still,” You took her hand. "You're my best friend. Do you think that if I don't have to live with you anymore, I won't be your friend?"

"Maybe…" She looked at the floor.

"Ariel!" You cried. "Really? Come on,"

"You come on!" She was actually getting upset now. "Look, Y/N. I don't have...friends,"

"What?" You snorted. "You have the biggest social circle I know!"

"Yeah but--" she tried to find the right words. "They're not like….friends, friends ya know? They're more like…. followers, or leeches, of--"

"Sycophants," you chuckled. She did surround herself with as many people who would tell her she was amazing as possible.

"I don't know what that means but probably, yes," She nodded. “You’re the only one who I can actually talk to, you’re like my little sister,”

“....Right, so…? You think I’ll just give all that up if I move out? If I don’t need you financially anymore?”

“Maybe…” She mumbled. “But ALSO, if that stupid asshole gets into your head about me!”

“Oh God…” You put a hand over your head. “Ariel,” You took both of her hands and looked at her very seriously.

“You are my absolute best friend in this entire world, no…’boy’ could change that! I’ve known you so long, I know you completely. Nothing he could tell me would make me turn on you, I swear it,”

“Really?” She raised an eyebrow at you.

“Really! You held a hand up like an oath. “AND, even if-- WHEN, I get financially stable and can live on my own two feet, I will ALWAYS be your friend,” You used the oath hand and placed it in hers again. “I swear it,”

“....Okay, but absolutely ZERO sleepovers here,”

“Oh, my god, ARIEL,” You gasped. “I JUST want to talk to him about law stuff!”

“Yeah, that’s what he said too,” She rolled her eyes, not believing either of you.

“He did?” You felt your face fall.

“Ah HA! See? Disappointment!”

“Shut up,” You hit her. “I don’t care, we should just be professional anyway,”

“Uh huh,” She nodded sarcastically.

“Are you going to give me his number or not?” You gave her a look.

“No,”

“ARIEL,” You crossed your arms.

“No, then you’re going to immediately call him and give him ALL the power,” She wagged a finger at you. “I’m going to give him YOUR number, and if he calls you, he calls you,”

“Ariel…” You gave her another look.

“What? You don’t believe me?” She feigned offense.

“I really don’t,” You shook your head.

“Alright FINE,” She pulled out her phone and opened her texts with Rafael, typed in your number and hit SEND.

“Happy?” She showed you her phone.

“....Maybe,” You hid the giddiness that was building in your stomach.

Almost IMMEDIATELY after sending the text, your phone lit up wildly.

“Good god I’m gonna get out of here before the nerdy phone sex starts,” She ran out of the room with her mimosa in tow.

“Shut up!” You hissed, mentally preparing yourself for this phone call. The phone call you’d been waiting for for days, even when you thought he was a “player”. You took a deep breath and hit ANSWER:

“Hello?”

“Y/N?”

“Yeah who’s this?” You asked coyly.

“It’s...Rafael, Barba…”

“I’m sorry, who?” You teased.

“Ariel’s….brother?” He skipped the asterisk that went along with “Brother”.

“Ohhhh right right right,” You nodded, keeping him nervous. “Yeah, Ariel told me all about you,”

“I knew it,” He growled thinking about Ariel and her lies. “Whatever she said, she’s lying,”

“Oh so you don’t want to be my mentor?”

“Wha--?” He was shocked. Did Ariel actually change her mind? Or dare he think...a change of heart?

“Yes! I mean, I do! I absolutely do!” He may have said that a little too overzealous, so he dialed it back. “I mean, if I have some time I’d be up for it, if that’s okay with you,”

“I might, maybe…” You were twirling your hair in your fingers. “When do you think you might have time?”

“Well you know I was thinking--” He started, but there was a knock at the door.

“Oh sorry, one second,” You got up and walked over to the door and swung it open to reveal Rafael standing there, right in front of you. He was dressed in a black suit with a pink tie. As amazing as he looked in street clothes, you thought you might mount him right there in that suit.

“I have some time right now,” He smiled, acting as if he was still on the phone. You couldn’t help yourself, you leapt into his arms and kissed him, HARD.

-------

“Hello? Y/N?”

You snapped back to reality, Rafael was talking to you on the phone.

“Oh! Um, Yeah, sorry what?”

“I said I have some time right now, if you wanna meet for coffee or something,” He half laughed, still enchanted by your awkwardness.

“Yes! Sure! I...let me just get dressed, just text me the address, I’ll meet you in a few,” You were so glad he couldn’t see how beet red you were from that little fantasy you had just been in.

“Sounds good,” You could hear him smile; even through the phone it made you weak in the knees.

You hung up and ran to Ariel’s room, hoping she’d help you get dressed.

What could you wear to impress him?

[smonk-wonk]

We all know the best part of your little worthless life was pretending to have DID, sending yourself hate, and blaming it on others for sympathy and laughs. It's probably the only time you've ever felt loved or cared for, rightfully so. The people pretending to be your friends now are just as disgusting as you for defending your actions. Die in hell, faker.

Wait how do I

How the fuck d

Bitch how do I die in hell if I'm already dead ya goofball?

Anyway this is either exactly who I think it is because someone blocked my friend right after he made a post addressing some abusive assholes (didn't name anyone but if the shoe fuckin fits), or this is a friend of that person. It's been over 2 years so clearly you searched for that post, saw it, and got pissed. I can only guess it resonated with you because you were somehow involved or are close to someone who was

The funny thing is that the person who made the callout admitted to making it up. They manipulated me into a fake friendship lying about their intentions with the callout months after it happened. When I was desperate for support and missed the people who said they cared. They said the claims about me faking happened because their friend/my ex friend was experiencing psychosis. Which is bs because if they knew it was a psychotic episode and that the claims were made out of paranoia, why make a callout based on those claims? I have proof of all of this yknow In fact I could go through the callout and debunk it point for point if ya want! And I have proof that the author taunted me over having been abused by someone else who I considered a best friend that admitted to sending me anon hate for months, intentionally drove me to attempt suicide, blackmailed me with sh, and admitted to it where several people saw. Last I saw the callout author was muts with said abuser though. So that kinda checks out huh I also have proof that that specific ex friend associated with them (the one that allegedly accused me bc of a psychotic episode- definitely not you or someone you know I'm sure) had planned to ruin my reputation maliciously and befriended the guy that abused me and plenty of others for years and is still in contact with them (therefore that anon clearly isn't me and she's aware of that and addressed his actions as being his). In fact, she befriended him behind my back while we were still friends and while I was still being abused by him (along with a few of her other friends I believe), got caught once and promised not to contact him anymore and also traumatized me by saying she'd kill herself (putting the responsibility on me), and then got back in contact with him behind my back again saying he helped convince her that I was some monster or whatever. The guy that blackmailed me and others, drove me to hurt myself, harassed innocent people for at least a year, abused me and so many others, that's who she defends

So if you're her, you sending me anon hate is actually fuckin hilarious and ironic. Wonder where you may have picked that up from. Really it is regardless of who you are bc you're accusing me of doing just that?

If you're not her, why don't you ask her about that anon? You know who I'm talking about but unlike all the others involved I haven't named names when talking about this situation because I don't want others to dogpile on my behalf. I don't want to fucking ruin someone's life or make them suffer

As far as my DID, you're denying my identity as a person and the severe trauma one experiences in childhood to develop the disorder. It's not fun living like this and there was never a single thing that proved those claims? To be dehumanized and misgendered by hundreds of people while you can't say a word because they've already decided what narrative to believe is traumatizing. I've had to use medical records to prove my diagnosis to someone who heard and believed the rumors. No one asked for evidence, it was a fucked up game of telephone everyone blindly went along with and for what? Ableism aint cute but it hopped out of so many people. Like you, right now. That goes extra if you don't have OSDID

Like what more do you want? You won

Everyone believed the baseless claims, I had to disappear and keep my mouth shut, and people talked about it for years. Someone posed as me to start more drama and so many people twisted the knife when I was already far from everyone else. People pretended to be on my side to snake because this was a game to them. It was a game and you guys won. You want a cookie or somethin?

[iammarylastar]

1. Alone amongst brothers.

"Cal! Hey mate where are you?" Snowballs clicked his fingers under his nose, startling him.

Bad idea. Never startle an ex cop ex Marine who hadn't slept for years.

Chris -his real name was Chris- came out of his reverie and offered a poor smile to his brothers. Obviously missing his goal to reassure his squad.

Who was he kidding?

He hadn't been here for years. For 3 years. 3 fucking years.

He hadn't been the same since he came out of prison. Since his brother, his real brother fled to Canada, to never return.

Since Oyster, his little brother killed that asshole in a bar.

Thinking about it, all this shit had started after their mother died.

Big, huge mess she had left behind.

He reluctantly came back to the world, that world without his mom nor his brother, that world where he's a useless piece of shit, forbidden to serve his country in any way.

Reverie couldn't have been more inappropriate. Living nightmare would have fit better.

"Next round on me." Jaeger announced with too much enthusiasm.

"Same?" He quirked an eyebrow at Cal, who just nodded, not bothering to say a word.

He didn't need another beer. Alcohol free. Taste free too. He'd been nursing the same bottle since he settled his ass in the bar, mind absently scratching the corner of the label with his nail.

He had been sentenced to 6 years and spent 3 at Pittsburgh Correctional Institution. He got a release, good behaviour. He'd been lucky, somehow, half of the prisoners were there because of him. Death had waited for him at every corner, but freedom hadn't tasted better.

A lot had happened in 3 years. Life had gone on whilst his had stopped behind the bars.

Snowball found his soulmate Carlo, Jaeger finally got Claire back, they married last year and were expecting their first child. Milk spawned two boys, fuck he'd been out for a long time.

Brotherhood meant leave no one behind. He had Oyster's back, he did what had to be done to save his brother from jail. Sentencing himself, ruining his own life.

He got nothing left. No wife, no family. Sure, his bros had always cared, hanging out, working out, having him in for all their kids birthdays, family barbecues, even last Christmas when Claire and Jaeger announced the good news.

They all exploded, hugging Claire and clapping Jaeger's shoulder, whooping and cheering like madmen.

He was genuinely happy for both of them and tried to ignore the stab in his guts.

For once he wanted and was in the mood to celebrate. Till his eyes landed on the blessed couple's wedding pic pinned on the wall, then spotted another showing his brothers in uniform, proudly posing with the groom.

Stab.

He wasn't there and it killed him.

Claire told him they got a seat settled in his honor and it hurt more deeply.

He had missed so many events, so many people.

Oyster.

He had spent most of his miserable life to raise his little brother -half brother but who cares?- kicked his ass every morning to have him secured at school, kicking his own ass to quit both grief and booze and pass his exams to assure them a future.

Look what future both fucked up.

If only he could have the slightest news of him, knowing his brother was fine and safe somewhere in Canada, a letter, a call, an emoji on whatever social media... but no. The cops were still looking for Oyster for Ben Daley's murder and as a cop -ex cop- he knew he and his mates have been under surveillance since day one.

Oyster had been MIA for 3 years with no chance of brightest days.

And he was left alone with nobody to care for and nobody to love.

His sentence had him kicked out from the police department, along with his staff sergeant status. No job. No rules to give rhythm to his days. No incomes but a few light works here and there in the neighborhood. The people he knew always put in a good word about him and hopefully people didn't ask for his criminal record before hiring him for fixing their roof, painting their fronts or uprooting a tree stump.

Yeah he had a lot to add to his resume: by-the-book cop, dauntless staff sergeant in the Marine corps, 2 rounds in Iraq, baby sitter and groundskeeper. Impressive.

"Man, look at this chick over there." Milk nudged him. "She's been eyeing you like she's willing to drop her panties for you."

Cal finally lifted his eyes and glanced at the girl in question. Thin, sexy, a blouse full of goodies, gaudy red lipstick, prying eyes.

Maybe he needed to get laid. He hadn't had sex since he came out of prison. His mates planned a party to celebrate his freedom and got him a working girl for the occasion but he wasn't in the mood.

He hadn't been interested in sex, not after what has happened in prison, not even a quick handjob while watching a porn. No. Scratch that. He's been forced into lame and painful wankings when his balls threatened to explode, but it was no fun at all. Far, far from it.

A slight nausea invaded his throat of the reminder and he forced the thought out.

Double sentence. If he hadn't suffered PTSD after what he did and witnessed in Iraq, then he got his trauma.

He might never use his cock again. Playground out of order. Broken.

"Nahhh... She looks cheap. Guys I don't need another blind date, you know. Your Tracy girl was crazy, she scared the shit out of me with her earlobe-licking... fetishism." Cal rubbed his earlob with a disgusting frown on his face, having all his skwad laughing out loud, wiggling all tongues out.

"Listen Cal. You need to get laid. You need a good fuck to come back to life. You're hot stuff still, you just need to pick up some gorgeous chick and have some fun! Before your dick just deceases from dehydration." Jaeger joked, hilarity ensued.

He looked around the crowded bar, tired. Tired to pretend he could be interested in that kind of date.

He didn't need a one night stand. He didn't need some cunt to fuck. He needed someone to love. And be loved in return.

Like the ol'time when he lived with his mom. Or with Oyster. He needed someone who cared.

"Thank you guys but I'm tired. I better go home and get some sleep. Need to wake up early and..."

His lame excuses got cut off by an angry Milk.

"Oh yeah, because you do have so much to do tomorrow, don't you? Cleaning up the house and walk Mrs Riley's pet? That's why you're leaving your brothers now? Cal, when are you going to get rid of this shit and be alive again? It's been 3 years already, move on for fuck sake!"

Cal didn't blink. He deserved to be scolded by his gang. He's been no fun, nothing more than a burden for them. A big piece of shit, whining about all he'd lost. Poor thing. Soon he'd lose them.

He was whining again. He's got the best friends he could dream of, people he could call his brothers, who were totally devoted to him, heart and soul.

His family. His home.

Those guys made it all easy for him while his time in prison. Paying him a visit each week, twice a week when they were off. They paid for his lawyer, his loan for the house so he wouldn't be homeless when he got out of prison. So he didn't have to break into his savings and get ruined in 6 months.

They did it in a heartbeat, without thinking nor asking for his permission. They told him it was the right thing to do. The same way Cal had them home, safe and sound after their tour in Iraq. Beside Jaeger's leg, abandoned there. How guilty he had felt, and still.

He owed them... everything.

He leant on his elbows and rubbed his face. He considered staying and trying to relax and have some fun, but his mood was definitely shitty.

Time to shake his thoughts and his big ass. He survived the war, survived in jail, he could survive this night.

"OK fuckers. But I don't want to bury my future here." He emptied his drink, slammed it loudly on the table.

"Let's get home and shake the walls!"

He grabbed his other beer and clinked glasses with his mates, and chugged it whilst his bros cheered and downed their own drinks.

"Last one at my mailbox is a loser!" Cal jumped on his feet and started running through the door.

"Ohhhh, you bastard!" Milk shouted, running after him, quickly followed by an enthusiast Snowball.

Jeager rolled his eyes and took out his wallet to pay the bill. He wouldn't win anyway, his fucking metal leg was no match for those big machines.

The three guys were messing around by the front door, playfully wrestling to pass first.

Cal jammed Milk's head in between his bulging biceps and disheveled his neat hairstyle, having him struggling even more for his freedom, grunting with rage. Snowball was stuck against the wall, the two heavy guys struggling were keeping him to head towards the door.

In a joint effort to get free, Snowball and Milk pushed Cal with all their strength until he popped out like a Champagne cork, sent flying against the wall. Just as the door opened on someone coming in.

Cal ended up glued to them, pinned on the wall, crushed against his broad chest.

"Whoah, whoah, whoah! What the hell?" A muffled voice came from underneath Cal's body.

"Holy shit, I'm sorry!" He apologized, peeling his body from a smaller and thinner one.

His hands flat against the wall, each side of a face. A beautiful face. Still blurry, he was too close to focus.

Never too close... he thought. Her smell itself made him stop.

"I'm sorry!" He uttered, forcing a step back. Finally able to focus on delicate features.

"I'm fine, I'm fine...uh, hey... I'm Jessica. " She said in a big grin as she rearranged the strands of hair away from her face.

"Nice to meet you..." She started, inviting him to introduce himself.

"Milk, nice to meet you gorgeous." The bastard spoke first, getting on Cal's business, more than happy to embarrass his mate.

"And this is Snowball" he continued, shamelessly stepping on Cal's toes and bluntly pushing him to the side.

"Ma'am!" Snowball bowed before an amused Jessica, glancing at the three boys with a smirk. "Please, accept our sincere apologies. I hope this giant idiot didn't hurt you when so roughly trying to get your attention."

Jessica let her eyes wander at the big stud's body and face, making sure it didn't turn into a stare. The man was built like a brick house, huge arms, solid chest, his short hair suggested he was a cop or a soldier, his handsome face obviously annoyed by his friends' demeanour. His gorgeous self nodding his head while pressing his so soft looking lips together. She felt her heart stop and her inside melt when they locked stares. His blue eyes were captivating and something slapped her in the face. Through his hilarious expression and attractive features, he looked so... sad and lonely. So much she wanted to pull him in in a hug and never let him go.

She forced her eyes back at the two dummies still making the show for her.

"And this!" Milk nudged his pal, "this is Chris Callahan, the man you need.

The thoughtfulness itself, well, when it's not nearly killing you, this guy is not only strong, courageous and handsome, thanks God he's also single."

Cal wanted nothing more than vanish from embarrassment after getting rid of that motherfucker of a so called best friend. On a definitive way.

But the more Milk was blurting his shit out, the more Jessica looked amused and kind of interested in him.

Eyeing him. The cutest smile on her lips. Which she bit when she finally was caught staring.

"This big sweet heart is to take darling, and you'd be a fool not to try your luck with him."

Milk got a little closer and lowered his voice "I heard he's got amazing skills, like... look at the size of his feet!"

The 2 guys barked a laugh, clunching at each other while Cam just chuckled and sighed, more uncomfortable than ever. Jessica shared the guys big laugh then winked at Cal, before glancing down to judge their size by herself.

Milk wiped the tears from his face, oh Lord he loved making fun of his mate so very much. Calming down his panting, he stepped back, still hooked to an exhilarated Snowball.

"If you want to excuse us mylady, we're up for a male race contest, where the loser will have to walk butt naked the entire week." He said, bowing out at Jessica, then stepping out of the bar with renewed loud laughs.

Cal just shifted uneasily on his spot, figuring out a way to stop looking like the dumbest guy on Earth.

"Sorry... That was... pretty awkward, wasn't it?" He shyly tried, mentally kicking in own ass to not have found something clever to say.

"Found it very funny actually, you guys made my day!" Her genuine smile cheered him up a little.

"Those guys are total weirdoes, please do not believe a single word of what they say." Cal flashed one of his best smile, pretty sure it would work for him.

"Seems your friends think very highly of you. The resume they made of you is quite appealing, you know." She made it sounds like a joke but couldn't help wondering about that nice guy, nice looking guy all in embarrassment in front of her.

And the size of his... feet.

"Yeah... Well, wait to meet them once they're not drunk and you might hear a different story." Cal shoved his hands deep in his pockets. Looking so cute.

"So... Cal, I'm looking forward to hang out with your smartass group of friends, and hear all kind of stories about you, I bet each more embarrassing than the last!" Jessica's fingers were playing with a strand of her hair against her will, flirting.

And it seemed this didn't get unnoticed, by the way Cal's stare lingered on her delicate features.

"I... I've got to go and look after those drunken asses before they get into more trouble. I won't stop hearing of it if I don't beat them tonight. It was so nice to meet you and again, apologies for so rudely bumping into you."

Chris scratched the back of his neck, torn between two options. Stay and risk to embarrass himself more and more, or leave and risk to never see her again.

"It's OK, Chris I'm fine. We would find a way to make it up for nearly knocking me down earlier. Go get them, we could meet another time. I'm new in town but I'm here for some time, let's catch up later!"

Chris chuckled, mumbled a cocky "sure!" through an enormous grin, dared to throw a wink at her before turning heels and walked out of the bar.

"I hope you lose!" She shouted at him as he reluctantly started to jog towards his mates.

"Thank you...?" Chris turned to face her again, walking backward, wearing an astonished expression. That was not the kind of support he expected.

"I may not know much about you, but I figured seeing you walk up the streets butt naked could be fun!"

Chris couldn't help the large grin taped on his face to turn into a big smile, that charismatic pant-dropping smile that had been MIA for years was finally back.

As he jogged back to his drunken brothers, in absolute no hurry, a light in heart, he felt like that stupid smile wouldn't leave his face for quite a while.

[mywordswillneverbeenough]

1 am rant because I can't stop thinking about how shitty men have been to me in the past and i watch my friends go through the same thing and its heartbreaking and feels like maybe more women can probably relate?? Who doesn't like a haters club for men??? We should all join really cause have you seen men lately , lol.. ???

I'd like to also add that yes I am certified crazy so if none of this makes sense to you or if you have a different perspective please comment so we can chit chat 😊

-----------

Its a small town. Most of the men are on drugs, married and cheating, cheating, single and still messing with their ex, etc LOL

Obviously not all men, just some that I've noticed are like this and I honestly don't know why but I know women will never get a straight answer, lol.

----------

Why do men date women when they have severe trauma themselves that they don't go get fixed or worked on cause they don't deal with emotions and don't know how to even talk to a therapist ??

As bad as you want them to go, they will never want to because it's embarrassing for some of them to get help for some reason?? Then they go find a nice girl whos mentally fucked up cause somehow men can SMELL if they got low self esteem cause those women will end up taking care of you cause they hate themselves and fear being alone so they look for validation in a BOY, who doesnt even know the first thing anout being a man... and men see how vulnerable women are so much that they make you fall in love with a different person instead of his TRUE colors and then boom 1 year later your trauma resurfaces because let's face it, you can only drown it for so long.... you start to notice the same toxic pattern and then you realize they don't care about you in the first place. We always figure it out... some sooner than later but as a woman we know in our gut when someone is being fake because have you ever BEEN A GIRL?? There's more fake females then males, I personally think because usually men are who they really are around other men and women are clearly not and so by our teens we've mastered manipulation, lying, gas lighting and any other toxic behaviors that we see in women because we are that. Men try to play a game that if you know what you're doing, you will win every time and they will lose but BE SMART. Play your cards right... not every man is awful and I know that but because we all wear a mask, I feel like it will never change but get worse...

You know what kills me the most??

Men knowing we have trauma and they still give us trauma and anxiety anyway knowing damn well we aren't over certain things that will cause the damage they are doing so much worse???

Even more severely depressed but to the farthest degree where you have nothing left to fight for, in some cases, including yourself??

Like who the hell told my brain that you could control my every waking thought and how hard my chest beats anytime I think about you ??? I don't remember giving you a statement signed by me giving you permission to take over my world by literally just laughing or looking at me with those big beautiful blue eyes??

I have severe anxiety and when they make the slightest wrong move or say the wrong thing , I can get obsessive over what that means or what it doesn't mean?? Its Too much and then I'm told that I am too much..

Or sometimes it's that they didn't do something or say something that you were looking for whether you straght up said what you needed from them or if they just took the hint and said what they thought was best, it doesn't matter because its not what you were looking for and now it feels like you have to fight them to get the BARE MINIMUM of what you need and that's just too much...

I especially hate telling a man what to say cause its just not meaningful after they repeat exactly what you said instead of making it into their own words and I just feel like it's thoughtless and emotionless and they're only repeating it cause they're annoyed and over it and done arguing because in reality they dont think about how WE feel??

So I'm like fuck you I'm going to shut down and not say shit but they get mad and act like I'm trying to fight them then and somehow they dont get that I'm just really upset that i feel like they're faking emotions in the relationship and obviously it would be a big deal to anyone??? Lol

And sometimes they say the most off the wall shit and youre just like ... wow i am stupid for believing every word this man ever said from the beginning ... and you wanna leave but you can't because you don't know if you're as crazy as he makes you feel for real ??

or if he makes you feel like your crazy cause he actually can't provide what you need and can't say that as man because they're too prideful and full of their small ego??? So they put you down so much that you start to believe it when really that's how they feel about their own self?? Lol

So... sometimes when we argue they wanna cheat or act out or something and say it's our fault for pushing them there?? cause we made them mad or because we don't trust them?? but like lol that's why lol ??

my ex was bad for that and even tho another one isn't, he's still bad for cheating on me when I was in the mental hospital because he was "angry" at me but said if I went to said hospital that everything was fine between us and we could work it out so tell me why or how you justified cheating on me ??

That shit is wild even if it was just messaging someone lol Again, a woman needed a man and he wasn't there cause he was too busy filling his own selfish wants instead of what we both needed which was each other I thought, smh....

and how are we supposed to trust you if you can't handle a damn argument and settle it with us before you try to message other women??

Why you even in a relationship for , boo?? Grown men don't play games!! Gtfo of here with that shit!!

I am finding myself obsessing for days, and heartbroken to the point its almost unbearable and FOR WHAT lmao ???

I could almost guarantee you that the sex isn't even worth it or as good or often anymore...

and since they like to judge women on looks and with their penis then the only fair thing to do is judge them on how well their performance was or how long they can last and obviously the size of the boat, ya??

But when you do that, they got to go fuck another girl to show you that it doesn't matter to them LOL

But they just look trashy and gross and It helps you move on instead??

Sometimes it makes it worse cause then you're like wtf is wrong with me?? Girl, it's never you though.

If he cared how he's supposed to, they wouldn't make you feel crazy for feeling the way you do and REASSURE YOU. Right ?? Idk... maybe it's just me..

In the end, fighting and bitching never works and neither does doing everything else but fighting and bitching...

it doesn't change them or make them even want to do right..

there's literally no way around it but yet you can't let go of the fact that you feel stupid now or maybe you look stupid because its EMBARRASSING to date BOYS who have no self control or respect when it comes to YOU but do right by his family and basically anyone who isn't the girlfriend??

What happened to RESPECT for women???

Why should I give you that part of me anymore that I let you control because it's only breaking my heart and causing me to fuck up when I can't afford to not do what I'm supposed to be doing , ya know what I mean???

No?? Just me??