#and I wish diagnoses were stupid fucking words but excuse me for wanting to know!

[elytrafemme]

what do i have to do for it to matter. people get medication and people get treatments and people get sympathy and people get explanations and people get diagnoses and people get to check all the boxes. it feels like my brain is physically forcing itself not to be too close to an explanation because at the last moment all symptoms will suddenly go away (i’m going to fucking kill Dahlia actually, because I think she’s the reason this keeps happening to me and even if she isn’t I’m just going to keep going until i find the bastard who is responsible). i go to therapy for five fucking years and nothing ever changes. it took whoever i was before this to fucking die before i could be split into this system and that was the most change we ever went through positively was someone fucking disappearing. 

oh mare you could have bipolar ... if your hypomanic periods were more rhythmic :/ or if the manias were worse lol :/ you could have psychosis but its not that bad :/ schizophrenia but you’re too “functional” you talk too “articulately” you’re never getting “anywhere” :/ you could have BPD but your life would be sooooo much more miserable mare and aren’t you happy :/ you could have CPTSD but you can’t even remember what happened to you can you? :/ 

I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I’ve done EVERYTHING right I have been so much BETTER about recovery than anybody I have met in my entire fucking life and I get nothing for it. I go to every therapy session I do all the positive self talk I try not to be toxic to people I try EVERYTHING more than ANYBODY. and all I get? Nothing. I never get ANYTHING. 

[shamemp3]

THOUGHTS ON YOUR FAV SPIDERMAN RUN KING? 🎤

OHHHHH MAN.

okay. i have two favorites. there is jms's run (DESPITE sins past and omd bc those were editorial pushing that onto spider-man's narrative and it just happened to be him writing asm at the time so he was stuck with those shitty storylines. i also didnt like the spider-totem shit bc imo it goes against the core of spider-man which is that he wasnt "the chosen one" and that anyone can be spider-man but i will forgive jms for this) and there is friendly neighborhood spider-man 2019 which. believe it or not was by tom taylor. do not like the guy but that run was REALLY good but jms is still on top for me he just gets spider-man sooooo much tbh

jms's spider-man is good for many reasons to me, aside from the storylines being fun in general like even tho omd was ass it was written beautifully. peter and mj's goodbye brought tears to my eyes even tho i hate that stupid fucking idea im glad it was jms that executed it bc at least the writing was beautiful. AND what came before omd was back in black which is one of my favorite peter storylines in the entire world bc jms does write peter as a funny guy while also having him be hot-headed and vengeful and a dick ESPECIALLY when people he loves are on the line and this is something that many modern writers forgettttt omfgggg they diagnosed him with funnyguy disease and he has NO OTHER traits and he's so shallow but with jms he's real because you can tell his humor and his flippantness is an act and that he is VERY intense as a person which ... duh. his guilt is what gets him into spider-manning and then that guilt grows into a sense of responsibility and a care for community and people and that is something else i love about jms is the community in his stories !!! many of his storylines are focused on the neighborhood rather than him fighting outer space aliens or some shit its literally just him helping his neighbors and sometimes not even as spider-man but as peter which i love. and he's a teacher in this run too which is one of my favorite jobs peter has ever had because i think it fits him very well and he loves it and i wish he had gotten to keep it.

this run is so earnest and sincere and so many panels and conversations with mj and may make me insane but its still funny and it shows you who peter really is as a character i wish i could explain it with words but ill show you my favorite panels later instead. petermj is also at its heigh here and i think that if anybody were to read any peter run it should be jms's. i just think that overall jms shows you that despite peter's humor you still see how much he cares about people and how earnest he really is despite the whimsy (sigh) and though he's rude and a dick he does put his heart into everything it's just that the entire world is so against him and so his guilt and his grief and his choices eat at him no matter the outcome.

i also love this run bc mj knows about spider-man and may finds out and it just makes me think wowwww wwhat we could have had if omd had not happened. i get peter and his secrets blah blah but i hated that so many people do not know anymore after bc come on. ESPECIALLY mj and may (and the f4 and matt as well tbh but. for another day) and idk this run shows u a little glimpse of how much better it is when pete's loved ones know about his other life. idk. this was a small thing but whatever

i have so much in my head its just not coming out and its not coherent so. panels:

asm (1999) #34

asm #35

asm #38

asm #53

i want to add more panels but my laptop is starting to lag excuse her she has been with me since 2017 and is breathing so loud right now

to sum it up the writing is beautiful i love peter as a teacher i love the neighborhood and community aspect i love peter's characterization i love mj and may i even liked the little part where he lived in the avengers tower idk it was fun. i LOVED back in black. i didnt like the spider-totem shit bc i refuse to believe peter is the chosen one and i HATE sins past and i HATE omd (but jms wrote it beautifully). but overall jms gets it he sooo gets it and i love this run forever and as for taylor's fnsm 2019 its nice and fun and he also got pete's characterization but i wont go into it as much

[dreamiesdotcom]

hey omg what about jeno finding out that reader has hanahaki because of him

It was on movie night that he found out.

You were watching a documentary on ghosts, a video Renjun asked you to watch. You pleaded Jeno with the cutest puppy eyes you could muster, and he gave in, laughing, saying that 'as long as I get to choose the ice cream flavor!'.

It was nice, that deal. And Jeno was warm. He's on his phone, texting who he claimed to be Jaemin, but you don't believe him anyway. You knew when he lied and when he told the truth. Naturally, you lean in his space in the guise of sleepiness, and he chuckles, petting your hair.

The conversation you see is something you wish you didn't.

I love you, the person said.

Jeno typed: I love you too.

Your throat itches. Not now, not now, not now. It seems to itch even more in retaliation. You excuse yourself to the bathroom, tears streaming down your cheeks and dripping alongside your bloodied lips.

You cough into your hand, eyes widening when you see Jeno in the mirror, having opened the door to check if you were 'fine'.

The petals were the warm shade of his eyes when he decided to wear colored contact lenses, a pretty sky blue. They were beautiful in both of your opinions, and maybe a little crazy, but beautiful nonetheless. They're velvet to the touch and unlike most other things, they're warm to the touch, like being at home in a winter day and having a cup of cocoa.

The only problem is, they make it so hard to breathe.

"Who?" is the first thing Jeno asked. A stupid question, really.

You laugh sweetly, coughing harder again. You reach for one of the cabinets in the bathroom where you hid any evidences of your disease. You bite your lip, handing Jeno a white envelope.

With shaky fingers, Jeno opened the envelope in front of him. It's from a hospital, one which is well-known for diagnosing and treating serious illnesses. Jeno feels his heart drop.

It said a lot of things, like several ilnesses you tested negative for. He doesn't know what to expect, if he expects anything at all, but he notices something that makes his heart drop further. Hanahaki Disease, it reads.

And he doesn't need to ask who, because he knows it's him. He's killing his own best friend, planting seeds of flowers that will soon suffocate you to death. Somehow Jeno knows, and heaven's sake, he never even noticed.

"Even in my dreams I don't wish bad things to you." You say as you pat your mouth dry with a handkerchief. You pathetically wipe away your tears, angry that you even had them. "God knows that in all my prayers, I hoped we are both be happy, even if you didn't love me."

"Y/N..."

"But why is it like this, Jeno?" You muse to yourself, "Why do I have to suffer for simply loving you?"

He feels weak. Tears fall from his eyes and he realizes you're wiping his face with a clean hand. You're the one sick, and instead of comforting you, you're comforting him? You cough a little, a blue petal falling out. Jeno has always loved blue. He loved how it reminded him of the sky, but more importantly, it reminded him of a certain smile.

He thinks of her. He wishes he didn't, because he's holding you as you whisper a chorus of 'I'm fine, I will be.' He wants to heal you. He wants to turn back time and never meet you. He wants you to live.

He wants you to live, but you're dying — because of him.

You're dying because love kills. You're dying because Jeno is in love with someone else. You're dying because love blooms, and if it's unrequited, that blooming kills.

"I'm not blaming you," you whisper, "But I hope you know that I loved you so much that I began loving these fucking petals that are trying to fucking kill me—"

You're cut off by an abrupt hug that he pulls you into. Jeno sobs, just like the little boy you became best friends with. He cries just like the old days, babbling nonsense and things that would've mattered had you listen.

You can't read his thoughts. You're his best friend, but you were never that good at that game. Ironically, you know what's going on inside his head right now, a hint of it — Don't leave me, I'm sorry, I don't want you gone. Please stay. Please stay forever.

At the very same time, he blames other factors. You were nice. You were good. You shined. You never did anything wrong, except you loved him, and you loved him brightly.

"Mom said you'll know love when you see it through the butterflies in you stomach," you say amidst your sobs. "You gave me a whole garden," you try to joke.

"You're allowed to be scared," he says through his sob. "You're allowed to be scared, Y/N."

You try to pull away, but he pulls you closer, tighter. If Jeno hugs you this tightly and this close, forever or as long as he can, he can pretend that you're not going away. That you're not leaving him.

You nod in his hold, breaking down. "I am," you whisper. "I'm so scared, Jeno."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be," your words are muffled by his skin, but he understands. You listen to his heartbeat, feeling it break under your touch. "I love you, so don't be sorry anymore. I forgive you."

[thomaslightwood]

“What if Paris was the first time we’d met?” || Thomastair University AU

I wrote this because 1) anxiety and 2) the idea of what would happen if Thomas and Alastair had met for the first time in Paris is killing my soul so here you go

•

Thomas closed his notebook with a sigh.

“I know you want to say it,” Thomas grounded.

Lucie looked at him with big innocent eyes. “Say what?”

Thomas rolled his eyes.

Lucie smiled at him and while they both stood up, she said with a grin, “Okay, I will say it. I told you not to drink last night. I told you.”

Thomas signed again. “Yeah, you did. In my defense, that guy was cute and I was nervous!”

“No excuses!”

“Mr. Lightwood.”

Thomas stopped on the exit and looked at the professor. “Yes, Mrs. Jahanshah?”

Sona Jahanshah handed him a list. “Your paper. I wished to give it to you yesterday but well.” You weren't here was left unsaid but they both knew what she meant.

Thomas felt ashamed. His Farsi class was his favorite and Mrs. Jahanshah was an awesome woman. Strict and rarely allowing compromises but amazing teacher. Thomas didn't want to let her down by missing her classes to get drunk. Especially on the second day of the new semester.

He hesitatingly took the paper and looked at it. A small smile appeared on his face.

“Thank you Mrs. Jahanshah,” he said. He hurried to Lucie who was waiting for him at the door.

“Well?” she raised an eyebrow.

Thomas grinned but only said, “Nothing.”

“Come on, let me see!”

“Nope.”

Lucie tried to grab it from him but she was too small compared to him. And in general. In the end she gave up but said this wasn't the end.

“One day I will read your work, Thomas Alexander Lightwood, remember my words.”

“Yeah, of course,” he said with a smile.

Together they left the university and went to the near coffee shop where they were supposed to meet with Lucie's friend, Cordelia.

Thomas was a little jealous how Lucie could find a soulmate so fast. It has never been so easy to Thomas. It will never be. Maybe he was just too awkward. Sometimes he felt like his insecurities were written all over his face.

Lucie's smile widened. “There she is. It seems her brother is also here.”

•

“I have work,” Alastair said.

“We all have,” Cordelia said.

“Okay, I have a lot of work.”

“Come on,” Cordelia arched an eyebrow. “You should take a rest from time to time. Or else your brain would explode.”

“Sure,” Alastair said sarcastically. “Tell me again, why am I here? To rest? By meeting people?”

“It's just Lucie! And one of her friends, Thomas, who is a really adorable guy. It would be fine!”

Alastair wasn't convinced but didn't say anything. Cordelia was determined to make him talk with people for some reason.

“Oh, I see Lucie. She's right there.”

Alastair followed his sister's look. He spotted her friend, Lucie Herondale, a small but lively girl. They have spoken a few times but Alastair didn't really know anything about her except the things Cordelia told him.

Next to Lucie was a tall, broad-shouldered guy with a shy smile that was laughing at something Lucie said.

Alastair felt like someone kicked him in the stomach.

“Fuck,” he breathed. “You didn't tell me your friend is so cute.”

Cordelia blinked at him and smiled playfully. “I didn't know he is your type.”

“He is now,” Alastair stated.

Cordelia couldn't help but grin.

“Fuck,” Alastair said again looking at Thomas.

•

Thomas and Lucie sat on the table with Cordelia and Alastair. He was introduced to the Cordelia's brother and Thomas got worried he'd do something stupid and would make fool of himself in front of the beautiful guy next to him and-

Thomas forced himself not to space out too much but to listen to what the rest were talking about. He did his best to join the conversation but it wasn't easy to concentrate.

At some point Alastair said he's going to the bathroom and Cordelia went to ask for more coffee. Thomas breathed out and turned to Lucie.

“Why didn't you tell me your friend's brother is so cute? You know I don't know how to act around cute guys!”

“You are doing just fine,” Lucie said, trying to calm him down.

“Well, I was drowning in anxiety. But... I think it was sort of... the normal anxiety?”

“You mean...”

At this moment Cordelia returned to the table and Lucie didn't finish her sentence. Thomas was grateful. He was diagnosed with social anxiety and didn't feel comfortable talking about it in front of strangers. Only a few close to him people knew and Thomas did not want too many people to find out about it. It made him, well, anxious.

When Alastair got back he said he should hurry up for his next lecture and said goodbye. Thomas was a little disappointed.

Cordelia, Lucie and he had almost an hour until their next class so they remained in the cafe. Thomas wanted to know more about Alastair Carstairs but he thought asking Cordelia may look creepy and out of place. He may ask Lucie to do it. Or he himself to ask. Some day.

•

Thomas was nervous. It was his first time in a new class where he didn't know anyone (he didn't know many people in the university as a whole but still).

As he entered the room he tried to calm down. Took a deep breath. His anxiety was still there but after Thomas took his seat he felt like he wouldn't get an anxiety attack in front of the whole class and will survive this. Probably.

He prepared to take notes, took out a few pens (just in case) and tried to breath normally. He reminded himself no one was paying attention to him. There were a lot of people in the room, he was just another guy in it. It was going to be fine.

“Hey, can I sit here?”

Thomas turned to the person talking to him and blinked. Alastair Carstrais.

“Sure,” Thomas said after a second.

Alastair smiled a little and Thomas couldn't help it - he returned the smile.

“The room is just so full. I was worried there weren't any left seats.”

The room was indeed full. Thomas was happy he got here early so he could sit at a place he liked.

“Cordelia didn't mention you like history.”

“Cordelia is awesome but I'm not very close with her,” Thomas said. “And I'm a little bit of history buff,” he admitted.

“Enough history buff to take a class for it, it seems,” Alastair said with a small smile.

Thomas laughed. “Yes, apparently.”

The professor walked into the room and it got quiet.

Thomas listened with interest to the lecture, taking detailed notes. But he was also excited because of the person sitting next to him.

•

Thomas wasn't sure how much time had passed but he knew he was hungry.

“Hey,” Thomas turned to Alastair who had a little strange expression as he said this. “Wanna, like- I mean if you're not busy, to have lunch with me? Or even just coffee if you don't have a lot of time?”

Thomas' stomach did a flip but it was a good kind of flip, nervous and excited.

“I would be happy to have lunch together.”

Alastair smiled. It was a real, warm smile. “Okay.”

They went out of the university and Alastair said he knew a good place in the area. Thomas followed, careful to remember the way to it. He may need to come here again, hopefully.

As they sat, menus appeared in front of them almost immediately. Thomas ordered tea, Alastair - coffee until they waited for the food.

They talked about the lecture. It was about the history of the Ancient Near East. Alastair was half Persian and Thomas was fascinated to hear a few curious history facts about the Persian culture from him.

“I admit,” Alastair said. “My love of the Persian stories and songs is influenced by my mother. Sometimes she says it's her duty as a teacher to tell us, Cordelia and I, as much as she could about our heritage. Which of course has nothing to do with her profession but we don't say anything," Alastair laughed a little.

“Your mother is a teacher?” Thomas said curiously.

“Yes, for a few years now. She's a professor here.”

Thomas' eyes widened. “Wait, your mother is Sona Jahanshah?”

“The same,” Alastair said before drinking from his coffee.

“Whoa,” Thomas said with a smile. “I should have thought about it earlier. You have the same eyes.”

Alastair's eyes sparkled at this. He looked amused. “Most people would say we share the same temper not eyes.”

“This too,” Thomas laughed.

The conversation went in different directions a few times. They found out they share a great love for music. That Alastair's favorite book is The Prince by Machiavelli. Thomas in returned said his is Rubaíyat́ of Omar Khayyaḿ. They promised to read each other's favorite books because they haven't read it before. Thomas found out Alastair can play a piano and sing. Thomas wanted to hear him.

“What made you choose to come to France?” Thomas asked at some point.

“It's mainly because me and Cordelia wanted to study here. Paris is one of the cities where we were the happiest. So we moved here.”

Thomas wanted to ask about his father but he knew from Lucie Cordelia and Alastair's father was a sensitive topic so Thomas decides to leave it alone.

“How about you? Are you a big fan of France?”

“Not exactly,” Thomas laughed nervously. “Actually, coming to France doesn't seem very wise. My father wanted me to go study in Spain or Wales. Which would be logical because I know Spanish and Welsh. My father has connections in Spain and Lucie's father is Welsh. I started to learn French only a year ago. But...” Thomas tried his best to explained it. When he was saying it out aloud it sounded like a stupid decision but it makes sense Thomas' head. “It's about the university. The history of this city. I admire it. Lucie and I talked about it and our parents let us study here only because they know we're together.”

The waiter came to serve them the food and Thomas paused. He even didn't remember ordering a second time.

“You probably think I'm silly," Thomas said, feeling stupid.

“No, no," Alastair shook his head. “Not at all. I think I understand.”

Thomas looked at his eyes. He believed him.

“Also, you speak Spanish, Welsh and learn Farsi and French? I'm impressed.”

Thomas smiled a little shyly at that. He didn't mind compliments but coming from Alastair felt different.

The time was passing and they barely noticed. They both missed their lectures but as much as it was unusual for Thomas he barely cared. He did not regret the time spent with Alastair.

They exchanged numbers and social media. Alastair promised to send him more book recommendations. Thomas kept smiling the whole day.

•

the tree: sorry luce i can't have lunch with you today

small bean: ooooh, and why is this, little john?

the tree: i'm just not hungry

small bean: yeah yeah and i'm cinderella

small bean: are you seeing someone? someone dark haired maybe?? 👀

Thomas blushed a little and put his phone back into the pocket without answering.

“Ready to go?”

“Yep,” Thomas followed Alastair through the exit and together left the university.

They sat in the same place as the last time. Even on the same table. Thomas liked that.

“Okay, I suggest not to miss our lecturers this time,” Alastair said.

“Agreed,” Thomas said, laughing. “I can't survive this class only on Lucie's notes.”

They talked about books. They both have read each other's favorite book now and had thoughts to share. Alastair passionately talked about one quatrains of Rubaíyat́ of Omar Khayyaḿ while Thomas was eating from his toast. Since he left London he has forgotten the pleasure of talking about books with someone who was as much investigated in it as Thomas.

Same as the last time the conversation went in different directions. They talked a little about themselves.

“I miss my friends and family,” Thomas admitted. “We were always together, very close to each other. It was weird at first when I came here, without them being around.”

“Tell me about them.”

With almost every other person Thomas would think they were trying to make small talk. Alastair though, Thomas knew, didn't speak things he doesn't mean.

So Thomas told him. He told him about his sisters but not much about Barbara who had passed away because he felt like this was too personal. About the Merry Thieves and a little bit about how they're families were friends.

In return Alastair told him about the cities he had traveled to and what he likes about them, which places were beautiful, the history of them. After his parents' divorce when Alastair was almost 18, he, Cordelia and Sona moved to Paris because the siblings wanted to study here.

They could talk for many more hours but an alarm sharply interrupted them. It was Alastair's phone. He shut it down.

“This is for me. My lecture starts after ten minutes.”

“Oh,” Thomas couldn't hide his disappointment. “Okay.”

“Hey, do you want... to meet tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow is Saturday?” Thomas said, confused. “We don't have classes.”

“I know,” a strange look appeared on Alastair's face. Thomas in shock realized it was nervousness. “Actually, I... I’m asking you to go on a date with me.”

Thomas' heart skipped a beat. It was impossible to stop the smile on his face.

“Okay.”

•

“You're nervous.”

“I am not,” Alastair said defensively. Cordelia arched an eyebrow. “Okay, maybe a little bit.”

“Try not to freak out too much. He's just a guy.”

“A guy with a cute smile.”

“Yeah,” Cordelia laughed. “But you're cute too.”

Alastair frowned at her. “Don't you have homework?”

“I have,” she admitted. “But I also have a brother who has a date.”

Alastair sighed. “He is far from the first guy I have a date with.”

“But he's the first after you-know-who.”

Alastair shook his head. “His name is not a trigger. You can say it. And it doesn't matter. It was a long time ago.”

It wasn't too long ago and Alastair maybe wasn't too happy about his situation with Charles but Cordelia didn't need to know this.

Alastair out on his shoes and coat. The weather wasn't too chilly.

“Actually, I meant... Doesn't matter,” Cordelia said. “Just have fun, remember he is just a guy as nervous as you and don't break his heart because he's Lucie's friend and I like her.”

Alastair couldn't help it but smile. He kissed his sister's forehead and went out.

•

Thomas saw Alastair coming and tried not to look too anxious or look if his clothes were okay. 

And he tried his best not to stare at the gorgeous view Alastair was.

Alastair led them on the way to the place he had in mind. It was far from the center, in a small alley that had one beautiful fountain. As they entered the small restaurant Alastair said a few words to the staff member and she immediately led them to their table.

It wasn't what Thomas imagined. They went upstairs. This floor was definitely emptier than the first one - the tables were farther from one another, with only a couple of people on them.

Their table was on the balcony. Thomas' breath stopped when he saw the view. He barely noticed as they sat and the waiter put menus in front of them.

Paris was beautiful during the night. The city of lights. The Eiffel Tower stood gold and sparkling.

“It's beautiful,” Thomas said and turned to Alastair. He caught him staring at Thomas with a smile on his lips. 

“It really is,” Alastair said and also looked at the view before opening his menu. “I got lucky to reserve a table here. Part of which was that my mother and the owner are good friends,” Alastair laughed.

Thomas smiled and also opened his menu. “So. What do you recommend?”

Alastair carefully scanned the page he was on. “The toast is awesome. And the desserts are unique. Here is the best tiramisu in Paris.”

“You really like coffee, don't you?” Thomas said with a smile.

“Yes,” Alastair said. “I admit, I do love coffee a hella lot.”

Soon the waiter came to take their orders. After he left, Thomas said, “I'm curious about something. How did you come out? Wait, are you out to your family? Is this a sensitive topic? Oh god, I'm so-”

“It's okay,” Alastair laughed. “Do you always ask every guy such questions on the first date?” he teased.

Thomas blushed a little. “Well. Sometimes,” he cleared throat. “Anyway! Answer my question. Or don't if you don't want to.”

“I'll answer,” Alastair said, trying to hide a smile.“I came out to Cordelia first, a few years ago. Then she convinced me that coming out to Mâmân wouldn't be a disaster. And she was right. It was difficult at first. But it's mostly fine right now.”

The waiter came with their drinks - ginger beer for Thomas and black decaffeinated coffee for Alastair. 

“How about you?” Alastair asked after they were alone again. “Are you out?”

“I am kind of out to my family and friends too, yes.”

“Kind of?” Alastair arched the eyebrow.

“It's a funny story actually,” Thomas said. “At first, one of my cousins, Anna, came out as non-binary lesbian. Not long after this Matthew, one of my best friends, came out as bi. And you see, in some way they cleared the path for me. When I came out no one was even surprised. I think they kind of expected everyone to come out as gay at some point,” Thomas laughed.

He didn't mention how sickly anxious he was to come out because he was worried his parents would react bad. Or how he worried his friends and sisters won't understand. Or the irrational, freezing fear to let even one person know something so personal about him. 

They talked more about London. Alastair said he was there only once but would like to visit again. They joked that Lucie would drag Cordelia there for the first holiday that appears.

At some point they started to talk about Paris. Which museums they have visited so far. Alastair was scandalized Thomas hasn't visited the Louvre yet. They agreed they should go to one museum together some day.

It was a beautiful night, warm, with a nice breeze. They talked for long, so long they were the only ones left in the restaurant. In another time, in another life the same was happening. They were both different people, with different pasts and so different memories, unsaid words and broken hearts. But as the city of light was watching over them tonight they had this sweet memory, echoing through the centuries.

[dramione-tea]

recommendations & little snippets of myself

by Cassiopeia Candles ( Instagram: @casseopya.candles )

note: click the title in order to be directed to the desired fan fiction.

- for the dramione shippers, I wish you luck! 

Unrequited Love  [ casspiane ]

“Darling, I wished you knew,” 

Draco Malfoy x Original Characters (OC)

1. Love Never Dies. [ rosebuds_ ]

Rachel Farrell, pure blood witch, family of Gryffindors. First year is not the best for Rachel. She struggles trying to fit in and be accepted by those around her. Falling for Draco Malfoy, Rachel has to overcome a wave of obstacles. She finds it difficult to be accepted by her family and turns to the Malfoys... Which was undoubtedly one of the biggest mistakes she made. Find out what happens to Rachel and what truly changes her life.

- Literally binge read the whole book during my 6th grade examination. ( I know it was bad for me ) But hey I didn’t fail.  

P.S. Don’t be like me. 

2. midnight of the masquerade [ seraphilims ]

a story in which two people realize masks only hide the appearance - not the heart. 

- Love the story plot.  I’ve read this thrice in different years. 

3. Imperio [ pansyparks ]

The younger sister of Cedric Diggory, Arden, is a Slytherin who doesn't fit in. Draco Malfoy, a wealthy Slytherin bully. The two come together, and Arden realises that being a Slytherin isn't so bad after all; but with a few bumps in the road for Draco, can they stay together?

4. Dear Draco [ malfoyuh ]

❛stay a little longer❜

- 15 year old me were in tears, so was my heart.  Rate it as 5/5.

5. Let’s Kill Tonight  [ Bambey ]

Rebecca Rosewood's life is dramatically changed when she becomes a Death Eater. With blood on her hands, she is summoned by Voldemort to go to Hogwarts and extract information from the famous Harry Potter, finding herself hopelessly attracted to Draco Malfoy at the same time. But it all gets a little too much when her past finally catches up with her...

- One of the first fan-fictions I’ve read about Draco.

6. if looks could kill [ WhenInDoubtSleep ]

In times like this, the truth can rewrite the past and alter the future. In an attempt to find herself amidst the deceptive lies and horrible truths, she finds Draco Malfoy instead. She honestly just wants to make it out of the year alive...and maybe with a few less kisses from the blond git. Love story set during the sixth year at Hogwarts.

7. Always Had A Thing For Bad Boys [ oxNeverShoutNeverxo ]

8. Who Are You?  [ TheBlondeAdventurer ]

Draco Malfoy. One of the most arrogant teenage boys in Slytherin's house. He struts through the school and doesn't miss an opportunity to cut someone down, just as he has been by his father his entire life. Now enter Elena Crowe. A quiet girl who tries her hardest to stay out of trouble, and one of Ravenclaw's best students. She always has the best answers and never fails to help someone in need, even if they may not deserve it. In their sixth year at Hogwarts, Draco finally runs into Elena, whom he has never seemed to notice before. Elena does her absolute best to stay away from him, because all he can be is trouble, but Draco finds amusement by forcing himself into her life. For what reason, he doesn't know; but what he does know is that he enjoys bantering with this quiet girl, because even she can get riled up and fight back. But Draco will see that Elena is a lot more than what she may seem. Soon he will be battling morales, his past, his family, and both of them may end up facing off in the final battle not with Lord Voldemort, but each other.

- To be completely honest, read this one more than 3 times. 

9. Unwanted Legacy [ writtenbyciara ]

" admit it, you care about me. "

- Recently read this months ago and found it quite interesting. The author’s writing style is different from the rest as her words make you visualize more on what is happening. 

- Book 1 & 2 is complete, while book 3 is still on its way. 

Draco Malfoy x Hermione Granger (Dramione)

1. We Learned The Sea [ floorcoaster ]

Draco Malfoy turns himself in after a very successful career as a Death Eater, then enlists Harry and Hermione to help him in a scheme to bring down the Dark Lord.

- This gave me the feels.  Draco’s personality in this is far most different from the books and other fan fictions.

2. The Bachelor  [ Fluff ]

Hermione's mother is pressuring her into finding a boyfriend. On a whim, she applies and is accepted into the wizard version of The Bachelor. But what happens when The Bachelor is none other than Draco Malfoy himself?

3. Defending The Dark  [ Cece Louise ]

Almost three years after Voldemort's defeat, Hermione Granger is a Ministry-appointed Defense Inquisitor. Her next assignment: defend Draco Malfoy. She's sure there must be some mistake. Confronted with mysterious memories, candid conversations, and confusing feelings, she is plagued with uncertainty. Just who is Draco Malfoy? And does he deserve a second chance?

4. Graveyard Valentine  [ Bex-chan ]

Hermione thought she was the only person in the world who would spend Valentine's Day in a Graveyard, but she was wrong. He's there. Every single year, with his gloves, roses, and answers. Dramione Valentine's Day one-shot. Post-Hogwarts. 

- All time favorite.

5. Eighteen Months  [ Istalindar ]

When Hermione is diagnosed with a magic allergy and kidney failure during the summer, everything changes for her, friends, enemies..life.

6. Love Me Twice [ Bex-chan ]

'"They tore her apart and then wiped me out of her mind to send me a message. To mess up my life. To break..." he trailed off. Blaise nodded his head with understanding. "To break your heart," he finished for him.' Dramione. One-shot.

7. The Wrong Strain [ Colubrina ]

Everyone knew what veela were. Veela were magical creatures, breathtakingly beautiful, who captivated men with a single look. It would have been nice to have been that strain. Instead, Hermione Granger was infected by another. Instead of captivating all men, she was captivated by one. She'd die without him. She was already in almost constant pain. 

8. Entwined In Time  [ TheSummerNightingale ]

When Hermione and Draco get put into detention together, a potion mishaps throws them back in time: into the Marauders' era. As they begin to adjust to life twenty years into the past, the two become drawn together, sharing the bond of the future as they are forced to work together to return to their own time.

9. Destiny [ Annie Lockwood ]

Hermione's wedding night is everything but perfect for the young witch. Her new husband and long-time friend, Ronald, is passed out drunk and she thinks upon her life leading up to that night. Hermione falls asleep, despondent and alone. When she wakes up the following morning, she is still in bed with her husband. But it isn't Ronald Weasley.

10. Silencio [ AkashatheKitty ] 

One late night, hate turns to lust.

11. Clean [ Olivie Blake ]

Malfoy's handsome face was contoured into a condescending smirk. "No faith in that giant brain of yours, Granger?" She looked up at him defiantly. "Maybe I don't have faith in you!" she said, raising her voice. Malfoy only looked at her. "You'll find I'm very surprising."

12. Marked  [ Olivie Blake ]

Two dead. Three missing. The Order is down a leader and another innocent takes the Mark. Where is the Chosen One, and who killed Draco Malfoy?

13. The Fallout [ everythursday ] 

Hermione learns about growing up through the redemption of Draco Malfoy.

14. Every Day, a Little Death [ LovesBitca8 ]

It has become common knowledge that Hermione Granger cannot have an orgasm. Many have tried, none have succeeded. Can Draco Malfoy offer his assistance?

15. familiar faces, worn out places [ LovesBitca8 ]

“You are at St. Mungo’s. You were in a coma.” He looks me over again, taking a pause. “I am a Healer here now,” he says, like it explains something. My fingers stretch, drifting across his sleeve. He looks down, like I’ve thrown mud at him.

Forcing my vocal chords together for the first time, I whisper, “What’s your name?”

16. Kiss Me, Haunt Me, Kill Me [ LovesBitca8 ]

"So," she said, and her voice was just as he'd remembered it, "you've chosen to haunt the castle as well?" She lifted her brows. "I'm dead. What's your excuse?" ~*~ Draco Malfoy returns to Hogwarts as Potions Master to find the ghost of Hermione Granger floating through the halls.

17. Ribbons Down Her Back [ LovesBitca8 ]

The unintentional annual seduction of Draco Malfoy through a series of ribbons and bows - or - Christmas Fluff with a dash of Secret Santa.

18. Manacled  [ SenLinYu ] 

Harry Potter is dead. In the aftermath of the war, in order to strengthen the might of the magical world, Voldemort enacts a repopulation effort. Hermione Granger has an Order secret, lost but hidden in her mind, so she is sent as an enslaved surrogate to the High Reeve until her mind can be cracked.

19. The Library of Alexandria  [ SenLinYu ] 

 The Library of Alexandria is not for just any witch or wizard. Many bookworms may try but few are permitted to pass through its doors. The books residing there are ancient and powerful and, if one happens to make a mistake, the consequences can be rather—novel.

20. A Slow Cruel Descent + A Fragile Ascent  [ SenLinYu ]

A Slow Cruel Descent

The war grinds on and Hermione Granger, the lead intelligence for the Order of the Pheonix, is captured. Unable to crack her through interrogation without risking her mind, Voldemort conceives a cruel method of breaking her that involves a reluctant Draco Malfoy.“He stared at her in disgust.She looked—broken.The fire she’d still had when she was dragged in was now extinguished. Her eyes were locked on his face like she were memorizing him.“Stop staring at me.” He snarled. “You stupid bint. You’re supposed to be so clever. They can’t break you with torture but a fucking potion reduces you to a sniveling traitor.”

A Fragile Ascent

The War is over. Voldemort is dead. And Hermione Granger is broken.

21. Sweetly Broken [ LadyKenz347 ] 

As the dust settles following the Battle of Hogwarts, Draco’s confidence, belief system, and world are shattered.In an attempt to mend his broken pieces, he turns to vials that take the pain away. But once the high’s are no longer so high and the lows get so much lower, Draco has to start a journey of healing and redemption that often hurts more than it helps.

22. Truth, Lies, and Storytelling  [ BreathOfThePhoenix ]

“Hermione,” Harry took a deep breath and flipped the book over to see the back cover, “why is my name on this?”“Like I said, someone is writing about us. The film we just saw was based on that book,” Hermione tapped the cover of the book on the top of the stack, “and it was incredibly accurate.”Harry passed the stack of books over to Ginny, holding on to the first one. He turned the title of the book over in his head, mumbling the words quietly to himself.“Harry Potter… me… Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. Philosopher’s stone. Hermione, this feels weird. Am I the narrator?”When Hermione and Draco uncover a familiar new film called “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” they learn that the wizarding world may not be as well hidden as they thought.

23. DIVINATION FOR SKEPTICS  [ OLIVIEBLAKE ]

The latest in magical advancements is an enchantment that reveals the bearer’s romantic compatibility with another person. Effectively eliminating uncertainty from dating, the charm can tell you whether or not you’ve found The One with a precise, Hermione Granger-approved calculation of traits and preferences. It’s a foolproof method of predicting relationship happiness. It’s also, for Hermione, positively dreadful news.

24. Isolation [ Bex-chan ]

He can't leave the room. Her room. And it's all the Order's fault. Confined to a small space with only the Mudblood for company, something's going to give. Maybe his sanity. Maybe not. "There," she spat. "Now your Blood's filthy too!"

25. Hunted [ Bex-chan ]

Forced to work together when their old schoolmates start dying, Hermione & Draco must overcome their differences to solve the mysterious deaths. The tension in the office is getting rather...heated.

If you reached to this part. 

HEY THERE! 

Feel free to message me on instagram if you ever feel the need to fan girl, I do too most of the time. 

[tokoyamisstuff]

Oneshot: Substance - Bucky x Reader

Summary: After stumbling upon certain things on your boyfriends phone, your self-esteem drops below zero.

Warnings: Self-hatred, Angst, Fatshaming, kinda Self-Harm (like withdrawal, not eating enough and overly excessive sport), one or two Swear Words.

Words: ~2900

A/N: Didn’t want to keep you guys waiting any longer, so this has been written in an hour without proof-reading. please have mercy with my soul

“Heya, sweetie-pie. Mind giving me the usual?”

There he was, 12 o’clock as usual. Bucky was leaning over the counter and staring at you with his piercing blue eyes.

He gave you a wink as he shoved the money over the counter, looking around the small but full diner. It was always that crowded at this time of the day.

“Come on, you doofus. You know it’s on me” you chuckled as you pressed the coins back in his hand, relishing at his warmth for a brief second before stepping back.

It has become a ritual to prepare his favourite on almost every single day, even though he claimed to love everything on your menu. His therapist once told him that a certain routine would help him adapt to society again, and he stuck to it pretty closely.

And visiting your restaurant was an important part of his day.

“Do you think we can spend the evening?” Your boyfriend was sipping on his coffee, eyes lighting up when you finally got him his piece of plum pie with whipped cream.

When you watched him eating it in almost one bite, you kind of admired him for being able to eat basically anything without gaining weight. But well, on the other hand, training and fighting were his daily bread, so it was no wonder those calories would be burned like it was nothing.

“Gosh, delicious as always” Bucky mumbled and you couldn’t surpress a quiet laugh at your dork while you were serving another customer. “And I mean you in that dress, not the food. Love your style.”

You usually avoided to fuel his stupid way of flirting, no matter how flattered you felt anyway. So you simply changed the topic. “Dunno. Might get late. Today seems to be very profitable.”

It was just wonderful how understanding Bucky was. Well, he knew he was a piece of work as well. Why should he be mad if you were sucessfull anyway?

So he just shrugged with a wide grin as he handed you over the empty plate, saying “Well, then I’ll tidy up the flat until you’re done. Guess who’s gonna get a back rub when they’re back home?”

“Sounds like a Netflix and Cuddle evening?”

“Everything you want, doll.” He gave you a quick kiss on the cheek, knowing you weren’t all that comfortable with PDA - at least at work. “I won’t bother you any longer.”

“You’re never bothering me.” Smirking, you admired the way his muscles bulged through his sleeveless top. “Distracting is a far better word.”

He won’t comment on your statement, rather winking at you and mumbling something like “You just wait until later...” as he already rushed out of the entrance.

Six hours later you were finally able to end your twelve hour shift and close the restaurant almost on time - well...plus the few customers who came about five minutes before closure, and having to clean up the mess you’d always leave behind when cooking as quick as possible.

“I’m home, darlin’!” you cheered as you threw your bag into a corner and got rid of your shoes.

Seems like he was in the shower, at least he yelled something like ‘having something for you when he’s done’.

Well, if the surprise was something cute or nasty - you’d have no problem with either one.

“Hey, babe!” his voice called you out of the bathroom. “Can you look up when we made the reservation for cinema? I made a screenshot from the booking confirmation.”

He’d always ask for that kind of stuff in the weirdest situations. Probably because he knew he’d forget it otherwise.

“Alright.” His smartphone was placed on the nightstand, as usually. It was a miracle that he learned to use it that quickly, but on the other hand he’d always been very invested with new technology.

The two of you had no secrets. And even if: Taking each others cellphones wouldn’t really tell you something you didn’t already know about each other, so it had never been a no-go to use the others phone.

You sat down on the edge of the bed after throwing your sweat-soaked and stained clothes into the basket, wishing Bucky would hurry up so you could clean up and enjoy some hot water.

Scrolling through his picture folder, you hummed a happy little song, already wondring what you’d do on your day off tomorrow.

James is still pretty awkward in todays society, but hell he knew how to treat a woman. And dates were his speciality.

“I can’t fi-” Your words turned into a loud gasp as you saw the preview image of a seemingly naked woman. Shocked, even though you felt bad for prying instead of trusting your partner, you klicked on it to see the whole picture.

It was exactly what you thought it was. That sort of picture drunk elderly men would send each other in Whatsapp Groups.

A beautiful woman, only wearing a thong and presenting it in a - let’s call it ‘seductive’ pose.

And the worst of all was the headline, floating above the models face:

“The Perfect Woman”

This was not the only pic of some sort - you found a dozen of it, videos as well.

Disgusting was the only thing that came to your mind.

Not the woman, though. You were not one to slut-shame anyway.

But a feeling of disgust came up when you layed down the phone and went to the mirror, watching yourself closely. And for the first time, you were not satisfied with what you were seeing.

Sure, you’ve always been kind of chubby. But up until now you’ve never doubtet your beauty.

Curves were always something beautiful to you, even though you had to admit that some days, you were asking yourself why you had to be the only one of your friends who had that hard cellulite and stretch marks.

Maybe if you’d already have kids or were older, you’d be fine with it, but...

On the other hand, your friends would admire the fact that you had bigger breasts and a ‘peach ass’, as they’d call it.

Your mother used to call it ‘atomar boobs’ and ‘birth-enthusiastic hips’, always making you laugh about how self-ironic she was. But on the inside you knew how much she was struggling as well.

There were so many forms of beauty, and you loved every single one of it - including your own. But now..

“Ugly” you told yourself again and again, while trying to find a suitable pose that didn’t make you look like a small, wobbly piece of fat.

Did the opinion of a man really matter more to you than your own? Now you also felt kind of pathetic.

Actually, you were just hurt. Of him not being honest, and obviously searching for something...you didn’t want to say ‘better’, but rather ‘different’ than you.

As former Winter Soldier, he might not be that popular, but his looks sure did the trick anyway. So why not searching for a thin woman if he loves them so much?

Or does he already know them? What if those were not mere pictures, but woman he actually contacted?

The thought alone made you tear up.

You’ve tried. Your whole life you did and he knew that.

It’s a problem you’ve been struggling for your whole youth, after all.

No matter how much sport or diets you tried out, your body just wouldn’t change. Even after you’ve got diagnosed with hypothyreosis, the medication would only do so much as prevent further weight gain.

Things got a lot easier when you were grown up, and the bullies would decrease.

You learned to love yourself, and realized that many people were into exactly your kind of body-type. After finding your own style and way of living, things became so much easier and you could finally be yourself.

“Heya, there” a familiar voice snickered behind your back, “What’s cookin’, good lookin’?”

The only reaction Bucky would gain was a pained groan, yet you didn’t dare to make a scene just yet. You wanted him to take the hints and be honest with you, that was what you had decided.

“Didn’t find the picture. Go look yourself.”

With that said, you’d walk straight past him and towards the bathroom. It took you quite a while to cry to your hearts extend, sobs being deafened by the pattering sounds of the shower.

You wrapped a towel around yourself, but when you saw your reflection again as you put on some lotion, you decided to wear the bathrobe.

No matter how you moved, you felt like some fat would always wiggle or roll up somehow - and Bucky felt your discomfort as soon as you greeted him with a twisted face.

“C’mon here, babydoll. We can talk.” He patted the spot right next to him on the bed, and goddamn it was just too unfair how he was posing there on the mattress, looking like a fucking adonis compared to you.

The very second you stiffly layed down next to him, you felt his hand slip under your bathrobe and squeeze your thigh, making you gasp.

“Maybe I can cheer you up otherwise before we talk...” he breathed into your ear, adding a bittersweet “I missed you.”

“Bucky, please. I’m tired.” Perfect. You managed to get that sentence out without your voice cracking once. Now you just needd to turn around and wrap yourself in your comforter before he’d see the tears in your eyes.

You didn’t want him - or anyone else - to touch you ever again.

“O-okay...” James stuttered, already reaching out his hand to touch your shoulder. But in the end, he retreated it, realizing you needed some time for yourself. “Imma be at the sofa if you need me.”

“Or tell me what the fuck is wrong all of a sudden...” He kept himself from saying that.

The following days were the hardest ones yet to come - for both of you.

It all started with you declining all offers from friends to go swimming or visiting some food-places, slowly but steadily withdrawing you from the happy, active life you’ve built up out of anger and shame.

You had grown quite distant as time passed, at first finding any kind of excuse for intimacy, and afterwards not even bearing any kind of physical contact. Not to speak of simple and carefree talking...

The air had become strained around the two of you, but Bucky was too afraid to ask you what was wrong.

Instead of letting off some steam through work as always, you took a few weeks off. It wasn’t like you needed the money anyway, looking at how successfull your work was.

Your restaurant, even though being more of a small diner, had been on the top of New Yorks most popular ones for years. And you were damn proud of it.

Bucky would always say you’re the only one who cooks just like home, and meanwhile you knew all of his favourite dishes.

An unconscious smile ghosted your lips when you thought back to the day where Bucky would go all Winter Soldier on a dude that made fun of you for being “a wandering cliché: a fat woman running a kitchen”. Ouch.

You didn’t go on vacation those days - there was different work to do.

Actually, you liked sports. For fun, that is. Like going to swim with your friends, or going for a walk. Sometimes visiting the gym, even. To you, it was more part of a healthy lifestyle instead of a competition for appreciation.

But now, things were different. You tried to built up your confidence again through secretly visiting the Avengers training rooms - yet to no avail.

Steve kindly offered you help with any certain training, but you declined. This was something you wanted to achieve yourself.

As if that would change anything about your feeling of betrayal...

“Fuck!” you exclaimed after almost falling off the treadmill, having to use the emergency turn-off. Even though many people assumed it, you weren’t really unfit. But those past days, you’ve just overloaded yourself through excessive training and eating almost nothing.

You kneeled down, desperately trying to catch your breath. Looking down, you saw your bruised knuckles from punching the bag earlier and thinking of that damn beautiful woman on Buckys cellphone.

If only you would have the courage to talk this through with him...but you were afraid of the outcome. Of the truth.

Knowing you were all alone on the floor, you finally gave in to your emotions, huddling to a fetal curl and starting to sob over your deadlocked situation.

“Y/N?”

Dear god no - it was Bucky. What was he doing here? It was not his usual training time!

On the other hand: What else did he have to do in his free-time, now that the other Avengers are on a mission and his girlfriend is avoiding him at all costs?

Actually, he wanted to let off some steam as well. But seeing you like this swung his mood in an instant, and he aided you immediately.

“What’s wrong? Are you hurt?!” There was genuine compassion in his voice, sorrow even. As if it was his fault.

He was kneeling right next to you, and for the first time in two weeks, you wouldn’t flinch at his touch. “Let me help you...”

“You don’t need to play anymore, James” you whimpered, slapping his hand away. “Just get this over with.”

Now you’ve got him mad. “What the fuck did I do wrong to deserve this, Y/N?!” he screamed and his metal fist would meet the floor, cracking it broken.

“I know damn well I’m far from the perfect boyfriend...” Bucky began to sniffle, still clenching and unclenching his fists. “But I thought you’d love me as I am.”

“You’re one to talk.” Fuck it, now that you seemingly screwed up anyway you could talk freely. “I’ve seen the photos, Bucky. Of the perfect woman. Many of them. Seems like you prefer something not remotely close to me.”

For a while, there was only silence.

Bucky dug his face deep into his palms, as if he wanted to disappear in them - or simply to facepalm in a pretty weird way.

“Doll, is that what all this is about?”

His reaction made you feel kinda strange. “Y-yeah.” Did you overreact?

“You know I don’t possibly know her. Don’t care about her or her body either.” He sat there, cross-legged and with a face as dark as your heart had been those past weeks.

“Then why do you keep a ton of photos of naked models on your phone?!” You jumped onto him, effectively knocking him over and pinning him on the floor. Out of a whim, you wanted to run away, but he trapped you in his hold.

“Gosh, why can’t you talk to me for once?” It almost sounded like he found it funny. “You’re usually one to be upfront about everything.”

A sole tear escaped every eye, but Bucky would catch them with his thumb.

“Sam sent them to me. We have that Whatsapp-Group, and he’s simply that single, horny dude that finds that kind of stuff funny. You know I never delete anything. I have over 5000+ photos on that shit phone.”

You were stunned, looking at him in disbelief. “I’m sorry, doll. I should’ve know you’d stumble across them eventually. But you were always so confident and strong, the thought of it bothering you never crossed my mind.”

“Y-you-” Gosh, what a fucking idiot you were. “You’re not at fault, Buck! I’m so sorry! I feel so stupid right now.”

“And I thought you wanted to leave me...” he murmured, mainly to himself.

“Wha- how could I ever?! You’re the love of my life! Why else do you think your opinion matters this much to me? Look where we are right now!”

“And you know that the beauty-standarts of the 40s are exactly what you look like, right?”

The situation changed so drastically, it left both of you in boisterous laughter.

When you finally catched your breath, holding your thummy at how much you laughed, Bucky would not give you a break - rather cupping your cheeks and pulling your lips onto his.

“Look” he breathed out calmly, his cheek barely brushing yours. “I feel stupid for even saying this, but: My girl doesn’t have to be a model. Beauty is a concept, dear. Everyone pictures something else when they think of it. And I think of you.”

You had already snuggled up onto his chest as he swiftly picked you up, your ear able to sense his heartbeat. Absentmindedly running your hand over his prosthetic one, you realized that you were not the only one who was self-conscious about their appearance.

But just like you never doubted the true beauty of your lover, neither did he.

“Y/N...You’re strong and smart and kind. No one had ever touched my heart the way you did. That’s all that counts.”

_______

Taglist:

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[itstheelvenjedi]

TW: ableism, bullying, violence, very ranty, some ableist slurs (they’re not written out but they’re mentioned in-context/as I talk about what I’ve experienced over the years, fuck off, don’t be a clown)

I’ve been thinking about this a lot this weekend specifically, had a convo with dad in the car that ended up being sorta a little bit triggering ig that set it off.

No one ever talks about how alienating it is to grow up disabled. I’ve always been disabled, from the moment I was old enough to have memories of anything, my legs have been messed up. And it’s never gotten better, it’s only gotten worse. And even tho I wasn’t officially diagnosed till I was 21, I’ve always been neurodivergent growing up. But I didn’t have that diagnosis, so I grew up thinking that there was something horribly wrong with me. That it was my fault that I was hyper-interested in things that were “unimportant” to other prepubescent children my age and absolutely not interested in the other things (that was also the closet queer showing but that’s not as relevant to this particular talk post so I’m not gonna dwell on it) And no one likes to talk about what it’s like to deal with that. Because the truth is it’s a lot of SHIT.

How everyone’s default, whether abled people or even other disabled people is always “someone has it worse, stop making excuses so you don’t have to do stuff”

As if we enjoy not being able to do these things and it’s not, you know....incredibly dehumanising, upsetting and FRUSTRATING to not be able to do the simplest fucking thing for yourself without help. Cause unless you have money coming out your ass and can pay for any and all adaptations you need then you’re in trouble (I’ve been having these issues with the local ppl for years and I’m sick to death of it)

I KNOW the situation for SSI/SSDI or whatever it’s called in the states is worse and at least we have the NHS here, but that should not invalidate bad experiences that disabled people here have to go through too.

Like the people doing the “disability assessments” being a bunch of able-bodied pencil pushers who will sit there and tell you that “you’re not trying hard enough” to do something that they take for granted which is literally impossible for you and that’s the fucking point of it. Or that they do not seem to understand what the phrase “from birth” fucking means. It means I was born like this and I will DIE like this, jackass. So it’s not going to “need different care in 3 years time so you’ll have to do another assessment”

You know what’s more harmful for us? Having to re-apply with the same motherfucking information every 3 years, when nothing has changed. It’s stressful as fuck, and it’s humiliating as fuck too! I’m sick and tired of being told it’s “necessary” for me to have to basically take an exam every 3 years to “prove I struggle enough with my disability” just so I can get aid to pay for the help that I need to survive.

Trust me, I’d rather be fucking working a “proper” job too, but nobody wants to make allowances for my shortcomings and I’m done with making my pain and injuries worse than they already are just to please fucking ableds. I’m done with being a “volunteer” who’s expected to do part-time hours for no pay while I get verbally abused for “not doing a good enough job” because what I did was the best I’m physically able to fucking give you, Susan, I’m fucking crippled.

And for the most part I think I’m over the early trauma from my school years, but nobody ever talked about, or prepared me for, the physical and verbal abuse I’d endure from my classmates for shit I literally couldn’t control.

I still feel weird calling anybody a “friend” tbh, and it takes me a long time trusting people, because my “friends” during my formative years were just nice to my face so they could then get “more material” to take to the rest of the school so they could mock me and call me slurs (like the r word, the s word, and “weirdo” and “fucking freak”, and “the one who runs like an s-word horse”)

Or how I had to literally be taken out of PE/Gym lessons for my own fucking protection because the team that “lost” because they got “stuck with the fucking s word/r word freak” (me) lost, and I’d get the shit beaten out of me for....not being able bodied ig?? I’m sorry it’s so problematic for you, ableds. I hate it too.

I hate that I spent so much of my childhood with internalised ableism where I’d either feel like I shouldn’t exist at all, or I’d wish “my disability was worse and I’d be in a wheelchair, because then at least people would take me seriously and not hurt me as much”.

And I hate how nobody, but ESPECIALLY abled people, wants to acknowledge this shit. How the first response to disabled and disabled + ND people talking about the impact their symptoms have on their life is

“well someone else has it worse” or “well it’s not ACTUALLY that bad”

tw: capslock and cussing

_________________________________________________________

BITCH. HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW, YOU’RE ABLE-BODIED, YOU’VE NEVER HAD TO WORRY ABOUT THIS SHIT A DAY IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE!!! YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT HOW MUCH PAIN I’M IN 24/7 AND HOW IT ENTIRELY AFFECTS MY DAY-TO-DAY LIFE AND ABILITY TO DO SIMPLE THINGS LIKE FUCKING EAT, BATHE, EXERCISE, DRIVE  AND EVEN SOCIALISE ETC. YOU DON’T. KNOW. SHIT.

_________________________________________________________

end of capslock

And the fact that my own dad is doing that shit, and gets arsey about it when I call him out on it, was very upsetting.

“It’s not your disability actually it’s the neurodivergence and if you just learnt to mask better you’d cope more”

as if my ND status has anything to do with my physical disability which causes me constant pain, even ON pain meds.

The pain meds don’t take the pain away,  motherfucker, they just tamp it down to a level where it’s (most of the time) “managable” and I can still attempt to do things in spite of the pain. But it still takes effort, a lot of effort, way more effort than you, an able-bodied person, have to put into doing the same thing.

The best that I can give as a disabled person is never “good enough”, because abled people will always assume that because they can do something easily/without thinking about it, that anyone else can and anyone who says they can’t is just LAZY, or STUPID or BOTH

I could probably honestly go on and on about this a lot more but I’d be talking mostly in circles at this point so I’m gonna stop myself here.

OK to RB, other disabled people feel free to add to this. Ableds CAN (and are encouraged) to reblog too but KEEP YOUR FUCKING PIEHOLES CLOSED. Thank u

[prismcaster]

I just had the most amazing experience!!!

I am going to do a little back story here, because it has been quite a while since my last post...

So, my grandfather, who was the the only person in my entire 35 years of existence that I never felt the need to question if he really loved me. Any way, super long story, shortened because I don’t feel like getting into that right now, he passed away three months ago.

In the time since then, i began to question my choice of kicking spiritualism from my life. You see, since my father, i chose that purposefully, because calling him dad would insinuate that he ever truly gave a fuck about me, or my sister.... but anyway, he used and still probably does, use his religion as an excuse to punish his children for doing him wrong.... which is typical narcissistic behavior.

Which speaking of, i recently read a book called Narcissistic Father, and it literally explained him to me perfectly! It actually made the fact that he has something wrong with him mentally, make me feel so much better about myself somehow.... because well, it turns out, it really is his fault, and none of it is mine. So definitely check out that book!

So since I have all these odd feelings for him because of these things... I cast “religion” out of my life completely. I figured, religion had to be fake, because no religion would keep a parent from their child, so i cast it out 100%. It was so bad, i began to believe that when you die, you just go. I believed that when you go, there is nothing, it just ends, and that your body decomposes, giving it back to the earth you were born from, and that is that.

Then the depression came in. Because there is nothing. Nothing else. And if I couldn’t have my family back, the way i thought it should be, and that at the end of all this pain, there truly is nothing, then what is the point in being in pain forever? And contemplated suicide while laying in the floor in my art studio in complete darkness.

But i thought,” that’s stupid, you didn’t die from cancer and you’re thinking about this right now?! What the fuck, you idiot!” And i got up off the floor, switched the light back on, wiped the tears from my eye’s, and started to draw again. This eventually led to me cutting my arm open, and telling someone months later, and finally getting the help i needed to be able to get better.

Therapy was such a blessing. I truly recommend it. Talking about your problems with someone you are literally paying to listen to you, and paying to keep their opinions to themselves, is a blessing in and of itself. I also strongly suggest journaling. When ever i felt bad, i would write to myself... it helped me explain what i was feeling to myself so that i could finally start to process what was actually happening in my mind so that I could start to slowly solve my own problems.

As i did this, a strange sense of accomplishment came over me suddenly, as i realized that the saying is true, you have to create your own happiness, and also, that you have to love yourself if you ever hope to love anyone else.

So i kept working on myself, and one day, my sister mentioned to me that she had picked up a ouija board at a garage sale. Immediately, for some reason, i said, let’s do it! And we called our other sisters, and planned our first seance. The four of us went all out. We put white candles everywhere , took it very seriously, and experienced the magic of ouija for the first time.

Now, it took a while of hitting dead ends which what we were communicating with, but one day, the mother lode of insane things happened! My cousin came through the board, and after confirming neither of us were moving the planchette, and that this truly was who they said they were, i realized that the end isn’t really the end, but that there really is more, and my life started to change more and more.

I eventually decided that since I didn’t enjoy coloring any more, that I should make a coloring book instead, that way other people can color my art work, and make it their own.

Then, in the midst of this, I decided that I wanted to make my own ouija board, but not call it a ouija board.... so the google searches began.

My sister and I started a podcast, and i used that as an excuse to do an episode on the ouija board, as an excellent excuse to do deep dive research on the boards themselves.

Using this info, I knew I needed to make a spirit board, so I started to work on drawing a design, while also trying to figure out how to make it.

One day I realized “hey, i could make this design up on my ipad and turn the background off, and turn this into a png file, and cut it out with your cricut!”

So i immediately set to work on that, while still trying to figure out how to make them. Finally one day, i discussed this idea with my husband, and he suggested resin on wood. And so it began.

So far, i have made around 30 or maybe more, boards, and yet, i still do not have my own! Maybe some day! Anyway, so that was done and in progress, I left my job that was sucking me dry physically and emotionally, started pushing myself harder, was finally trying to live my life for me, instead of trying to live it the way i thought my father would have wanted me to.

I was truly happy.

And then my grandpa left us.

I collapsed hard. But I had to try to keep it together at the same time because my grandma needed me... my mom needed me.... and my sisters needed me. I fought it as long as i could.... but eventually i broke under the pressure, and re visited my therapist, whom I have decided I am just going to continue to see monthly just in case.

Turns out, I was handling grief the right way.... which I am sure surprised her a little, being as how she had diagnosed me with ptsd a few years prior.

Since his passing, i have not touched a board, or held a pendulum, and not because I am afraid he will talk to me.... but because I am afraid that he won’t. As a 100% Irish Catholic man, I am not sure if he would come through the board or not, although, i do think that he would think it would be funnier than hell to scare us.

I have however found something to believe in. Paganism. No judgements, no frills, just love, paganism, and I will never look back.

After I decided to “come out of the broom closet” so to speak, and openly declare that I am a magical being, things started changing fast...

I finished my coloring book, and most importantly, feel mentally healed. I can’t even begin to explain it, but I will try....

First, after grandpa’s passing, I realized I had learned a few things. For example, that you shouldn’t take those you love for granted, which is when i realized he was the only person who had shown me unconditional love my entire life, no matter what. I also learned from that, the passing of the person who took care of me like a dad, that all I was doing was punishing myself for something someone else did, and that I needed to stop. And you know why?! Religion!

The same damn thing that i tried so hard to keep out.

You see, my grandpa was a wonderful dude. In my entire existence, i never heard him say a negative word about anyone. And most notably, whenever he heard me say anything bad about anyone, he would tell me that I couldn’t change them, but I should say a prayer for them.

It was this phrase, which i had repeated to me over and over again, that now finally made sense after finally realizing the true power of religion. You see, I couldn’t change my father, but, I could change the way he effected me. So, i made a little testament outloud, i moved on.

But then i realized, that if that was the case with that, maybe I needed to be more open to the idea, of religion being legitimate. So i started some research again. But this time, as homework for the tribe I was planning to join. I researched goddesses, because If I was going to pick a deity to start working with, they had to be a strong female.

First up, came Athena. And i truly believe she has been with me, allowing me to get through all of my life’s battles, without me even knowing, for years.

I studied greek mythology in college because I was fascinated by it, and was floored by the parthenon, and the giant statue of Athena that stood inside, and even insisted on visiting the replica while in Tennessee for my sister’s birthday.

Coincidentally, it also turns out that she is the goddess if wisdom, arts, and crafts, so i knew she was the one for me.

Tonight, after my full initiation into the group, i went to the full moon ritual, and was asked some very prying questions by what I will refer to as the “mega crone” and I was forced to question a lot about my choices right then, in front of everyone, and ended up crying while explaining all of that to them , and not really all that well.

But i left there thinking that I needed to let go of the idea of needing to know everything, and just go with the flow.... knowledge is nice, but too much knowledge can have it’s downfalls as well. But also left me wondering how I ended up on this path.

So here i am, telling a long ass background story to get to the damn point!

I was feeling emotional after getting home, and decided to light a candle for my great aunt who is in the hospital, and try to meditate for a while.

Normally, when I try to meditate, I don’t feel anything, and also don’t normally see much, but It’s like I can envision it, even though I can’t actually see it... imagination! Which is something I had cast out of my life a long time ago as well.

So tonight i was ready. Whatever happened was going to happen.... and if grandpa communicated with me while i was meditating I would deal with the emotions and just go on. I turned on my favorite meditation video, and jumped right in... and it fuckin worked! I could feel the ground and see lights, it was so magical! I wish I could explain the trees!

Then, after i processed that I am magical, that I can truly take my own pains away, which set off a mini party if thoughts in my mind, i refocused, and realized that athena had actually been with me my whole life. She got me to grandpa somehow when he was living thousands of miles away, so that I could continue to see and feel what true love is. She was with me through the shit storm that was my youth... and stood with me as i learned to fight for myself, and get up.

It was right now that I realized I am truly magical.... i am loved.... i am perfect the way i am..... i am enough. And if anyone ever should stumble upon this ramble, and stuck with it until now.... know that you are all of those things too! And if you don’t agree, i hope maybe my path will inspire you to get to know yourself, and see what incredible, life changing things could be in store for you.

[onisiondrama]

Killstream w/ Onision 3/30/2020 - Summary Part 1

Re-Upload

(Unless specifically stated, everything written is from Greg / James’ words. Parenthesis are my notes/thoughts.):

Greg / James asks what the host’s relation to him online is. Host says none really. Host says he talked about Greg on stream a few times. (Host doesn’t introduce himself so Idk what to call him.)

Greg asks if host thought the Kombucha video was real. Host says no, they played it on the show. Greg says Hansen thought it was real. Says there is a video of Hansen at his house realizing it was all bullshit. (Why would he show up to your house if he thought those videos were real when the plot line had you divorced and homeless at that point?)

Greg says grooming is only when you get someone to do something illegal. Says someone on his discord told him that.

Sarah said her mom beat her, so they brought her in their home. She thought something was going to happen and Greg had to get in through her head it wasn’t. Kai was dating Billie. Sarah got so upset when she saw Kai and Billie kissing in a theater that Greg had to pull her aside and tell her she's part of the house, but not part of the relationship. He wanted her to still feel included, but know there’s no future for her.

When she found out nothing’s going to happen, she sent a text saying if Greg found out how she felt, she’d be kicked out. He says he only found out about this later on down the line. 

He was mean to her, like Meg Griffin. Someone jokes “treat them like dirt, they’ll stick to you like mud.” Everyone laughs, but Greg. He says no.

He says one time she asked him to c-m in her when she was 18 1/2, but he was upset because the relationship wasn’t supposed to be just himself and Sarah. He didn’t want to have babies with her. (He just jumped right into that. I swear I didn’t skip anything.)

She said she’s only going to sign an NDA if they fuck her. He can’t believe they were put in this situation.

Sarah was pushing so hard to get with Kai. It’s hard because she was constantly trying to “UwU” Kai and Billie left a gap when she left. Greg stopped treating Sarah like shit because she was an adult. She knows she have a chance now she’s an adult and has shown loyalty. He was trying to find someone to make Kai happy.

He told Sarah there was no potential for her to be with himself if Kai doesn’t want her. Greg says Sarah kept trying to kiss Kai and one day when she was 18 1/2, she planted a kiss. Kai jumps back and made a weird face. Sarah says “fuck”. (He’s skipping the part where he told Sarah to kiss Kai. He admitted to this in one of his 30+ rambling videos from January.) Someone asks if Sarah was thinking about that kiss since before she turned 18. Greg says he doesn’t know. (He just said before she wanted to be part of the relationship since she was 16. He even acknowledged this publicly back then.)

Kai tweets about Grey from Grey’s anatomy being hot and Sarah was upset, like Kai was cheating. Sarah and Kai have a falling out.

Ayalla comes out and says they groomed Sarah. At that point the only thing that happened was Sarah planted a kiss on Kai. Greg asks Sarah to make a video and to be honest. After he saw the video she made, he realized how much she liked Kai. She would say people that trashed Kai were terrible people.

He says Sarah tells them she was raped by a black man. Greg’s hero complex takes over and he wanted to help. She flew back out and she proposed an actual relationship.

Greg says he told Sarah when she was 17 he was shitty to her because he wanted her to stay away from him. Late 2018. They were more chill after that, but he didn’t want to explore the idea of a relationship until Kai approved. It was a mess because Kai didn’t feel like it was appropriate.

Greg says at this point she hadn’t lived with them for a while. She lived in her own state, had her own car, job, etc.

Greg hates that he works constantly and Kai doesn’t have someone to spend time with. (I hate this excuse so much. If that was the case why does he always get involved in the relationships?)

He says Sarah put her mouth on Kai’s genital region the first time. The second time, Sarah shoved her boob in Kai’s mouth. Kai said he tried not to vomit. Kai laid there and did nothing both times except kiss. (He’s not mentioning he was also part of these incidents.) Kai was upset and teary. It was horrible for Kai so it’s whack when people make fun of him for crying. He’s the one that suffered. Greg says it’s not going to work and Sarah went back to her life. 

He says there’s a leaked text of him arguing about virginity. He says he was talking about vaginal and mouth virginity. He says it was stupid. He told Kai he took her mouth virginity ? He felt bad for Sarah and was telling Kai he wasn’t being fair to her.

He comes up with idea where he can be with Sarah while Kai figured out if he wants to be part of the relationship. Sarah was cool with it and Kai told them 7 days only. If it doesn’t work out, they’ll all move on. They lasted 2 days. After the cum inside me thing, he couldn’t handle it.

They saw Aladdin together and she kept looking up at him like she wanted to make out. He was really irritated. She was guilt tripping him for not making out with him. This combined with the c-m thing, he realized Sarah doesn’t give a shit about Kai. Otherwise she wouldn’t be so desperate for his attention.

She accused him of using him for sex. He asks then why would he only be with her for 2 days when they had 5 more?

They weren’t allowed to have vaginal stuff. He weaseled around it by having his hand in front of his junk. Says if you give him an inch, he will find a way to manipulate it.

Greg says the only instance of anything underage was when he was with Kai when he was 17, but Kai was able to consent because of their state laws. (Shiloh was also 17.)

The police showed up with Shiloh because they thought they were making porn in their hotel room. He was just a Youtuber with a tripod. The police looked through his laptop and said he was fine. He thinks this Hansen doesn’t want to talk to him because Greg has a huge history of not breaking the law.

The host asks about the hand thing. (Greg goes into detail. I don’t want to write about that, sorry.)

Later on when Sarah was at the airport, she was crying saying she just wanted a boyfriend. He asks, if she just wanted a boyfriend, what the fuck was she doing? She didn’t have it through her head she would be dating two people. (I don’t understand this argument. They both would have been her boyfriend, no?)

Someone asks if Greg has time for a job with all this relationship stuff. Greg says he’s a Youtuber so he makes his own hours. (So he can make time for thirds, but not Kai?)

Greg says Sarah turned the relationship into being with one person instead of the other and tried to get pregnant.

When Sarah was at the house they’d hand out together, talk about memes, group wrestle. He would take them both on, but win every time.

Greg says he doesn’t want to be with anyone under 25 now. (What happened to his I only want to be with sex dolls plan? Does he have his eye on someone?)

Greg says he criticized people with BPD and Sarah lost her mind. Greg says he thought he had BPD before, but you have to be diagnosed. He says Sarah was diagnosed twice, but was underage. Her symptoms freaks her out. He asked her to give him a baby and she made a gremlin face while holing the baby.

Someone asks how she got the baby. He said she would help out a lot. He says before she was 18 she would do everything she can to win them over, but nothing was going to happen. He wasn’t interested in it because she was underage.

After he said he was done with stoners and people with BPD, she made a tell all livestream.

She blackmailed them into having sex with the NPA, so he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to talk publicly about it. The host asks about the blackmail. Greg says she told them she could destroy their lives. The host says he can’t imagine how. Greg says that’s why he didn’t take it seriously and it was a “ha ha” thing at the time. Greg says he had a Patreon member who visited and some of his friend sign an NDAs. He wished he made one with Cyr so they wouldn’t attack each other publicly. They could still be friends. That taught him to have his friends sign NDAs. The host makes fun of the NDAs and Greg says it’s common for celebrities to have people sign sex contracts to prove it was consensual in court.

When he asked Sarah to sign the NDA, she said only if she gets what she wants, implying sex. At the time he thought it was kinky. They warmed up to each other because everything that happened that day and the vibe was good. (Did he just admit it wasn’t blackmail then?)

Way down the line he slept in his garage because he was afraid she was going to kill him because people with BPD give off a certain vibe when you piss them off. They go from extreme love and hate.

Says he went through that with Shiloh a lot. She would have mental breakdowns and he would have to call the cops. She wouldn’t leave him alone in his room and body slammed the door. She kept bashing it open. It was hard for him to hold it closed because she was 180 lbs and 5′ 0″.

[saigeboredeaux-blog]

( cisfemale ) haven’t seen SAIGE BORDEAUX around in a while. the LIANA LIBERATO lookalike has been known to be (+) CONFIDENT & (+) AMIABLE, but SHE can also be (-) RECKLESS & (-) IRRATIONAL. The 20 year old is a SOPHOMORE majoring in LINGUISTICS + CRIMINAL PSYCHOLOGY. I believe they’re living in FIDELIS but I popped by earlier and no one answered the door. ( james! 20! est! she/they! )

i loved naeva but it isnt her time, she doesnt belong in the mortal realm sndjkfjgkh BUT i did wake up from my nap with an INTENSE FEELING OF LOVE AND MUSE for saige, who is my actual legitimate daughter. so pleathe, have her. love her. respect her. if you haven’t already dropped a like on my other post and you’d like to plot with saige, pleathe do so on this one !!

TW: drug use, alcoholism, implied abuse ? shitty parents at the very least, addiction

a e s t h e t i c s (i saved them this time !!!)

stick n' pokes at 2am -- when your drunk and giggling too much in between purposeful stabs, avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk because they're bad luck and they'll break your mother's back -- even if your mother doesn't love you, because you love her, the familiar riff in an old song -- one that's got you strumming along silently; there is no guitar, only empty air lit by the christmas lights you haven't taken down. it's may. swallowing down shots, and by default, swallowing down problems. laughing quick, easily, constantly. skinned knees from skateboarding, despite being rubbish at it. wishes on eyelashes stuck to your cheekbones, glitter sticking, running into the ocean at sunrise; feeling at home. excuses, and the many forms they come in. telling people you love them through hand squeezes and fresh muffins, sideways glances and soft, eager grins.

general info !!

full name: saige alouette beaumont

nickname(s): she…doesn’t have any in this timeline but PLEASE, she LOVES nicknames. she’s a nickname slut.

b.o.d. - july 7th, 20 whole yrs old.

label(s): the hedonist, the icarcian, the reveler, etc. etc.

height: 5′7″ thank u very much !!

hometown: thibodaux, louisiana

sexuality: firstly when aren’t my babies bi as FUCK but she also prefers masc-presenting folks

pinterest

stats

biography !!

the fallible daughter of two very infallible people: robert bordeaux, US lieutenant general, and manon levesque, world renown fashion designer. both calculating, cold, and purposeful.

saige never believed she was created out of love. it was an action with a purpose, intentions to create the perfect child. the hybrid of both military genius and fashion extraordinaire, molded to their will.

it took them no more than six months after her birth for her parents to up and move, thus beginning the cycle of packing and unpacking, flying and driving, state-to-state and country-to-country. the longest saige had ever stayed in one place was two years.

kept on a short leash, homeschooled, and learning skills she had no interest in -- she was more like a pet, a project, than a child. the world moved all around her, but she felt restrictively tethered to her parents.

she had always felt this way. a bird in a cage of thorns.

it was hard to keep and maintain friends -- saige would be there one day, and gone the next. a ghost, a very visible ghost. even so, she tried her hardest.

running from bodyguards (nannies, in a sense. her father is a paranoid man) into festival crowds and climbing out of windows in the dark of night to swim in lakes with locals she’d meet only a few hours earlier -- she absorbed as much of what she could get; this intense, undying love for a world she had always craved to see.

it was the start of something near dangerous -- a phase that seemed to never end, rebellion coursing through her veins. a wild child in the making, unknowing of limits. the bad sort of crowd was the crowd she found herself landing, more often than not -- introducing the sheltered girl to a world she hadn’t quite known existed

she ran away, briefly, at age fifteen with a man three years older than her -- which nearly ended up in a tabloid magazine if it hadn’t been for her parents’ money. though the guilt of her parents’ disappointed weighed on her, the thrill fueled something much worse

from that point on, she became a problem child. from public intoxication to vandalism -- it was clear their daughter was unraveling and nothing could contain her.

boarding school was a small attempt to stop it -- she got expelled.

she hadn’t intended to go to university, either -- but, by some chance -- and after a mysterious year-long disappearance from public eye during her eighteenth year of living, next thing she knew, she was a student at lockwood. (more on this later :~) )

connection to tatiana: party pals !! super close as long as they were drunk, but they generally ran in different circles (though saige sorta...runs through all circles?) whilst sober

personality !!

bubbly. so fucking bubbly. she’s got so much fucking energy on her -- she goes running every morning and every night and swims like every afternoon and she’s n e v e r tired ?? the personality of a coke bottle shaken up but like if the bottle could laugh.

tries her hardest to be the Happy Fun friend, y’know, the one who can hook you up w/ some sicccc shit b/c she befriended/possibly slept with her drug dealer and now she gets discounts.

like, generally, comes off as very confident of herself and fearless and, like, yes--reckless, but like a fun reckless, y’know ??

talks a l o t, could ramble for days, hand gestures and all.

if she wants to do something, she will do it and there’s not much you can do to stop her tbh. she’s very easy-going, very go-go-go, very...mischievous, y’know? even if she’s trying to do something stupid you kinda just have to let her do it or otherwise she’ll mope for three hours and pout at you and you’ll feel ?? this weird sense of guilt ?? which isn’t the Best thing but she’s not the best person either so dfghjh

a vegetarian !! meat makes her sick, like, physically.

uuuhh her vocabulary consists of a lot of ‘likes’ and ‘ums’ and ‘y’knows’, y’know ??

i am like 99% sure she’s got adhd but she’s never been diagnosed with it b/c her parents suck with that stuff. her parents sort of suck in general.

like...she’s currently not on speaking terms with them. she’s not disowned...like, yet, but they haven’t said more than like five words to each other since saige was eighteen and it k i l l s her but they also send her a shit ton of money every month so.

owns like...four cars.....she has them all on campus.....she prolly isn’t suppose to...but she does...one of them’s a real sleek sports car, one is a jacked up pick-up truck that’s decked out in like LED lights n shit, one is the same exact fucking car from the princess diaries b/c saige is obsessed w/ the movie. the other is like. a mini cooper probably.

a photographer, her walls are covered in photographs and art and taped-down plants and in general her room is very ?? cluttered ?? like it’s very home-y but god. she’s a mess. clothes everywhere. she’s probably got a pile of instruments and other miscellaneous hobbies on a chair in the corner that she hasn’t touched in a while

speaking of !! she has a bunch of random, like, skills ?? like knitting and sewing and cooking and three different forms of ballroom dancing, and she can definitely work a gun and a car engine except she goes thru interests so rapidly and is disinterested in most of the other ones b/c her parents forced like half of them onto her.

she plays bass guitar. she loves her bass guitar. she knows other instruments but the only ones she’ll really fidget with are her bass guitar and like, her violin. everything else she’s like ~okay~ at

got really obsessed with languages at a young age and started learning them ?? her mother is like. super french, like genuinely from france, so she already grew up speaking both english and french but she’s learnt others for the hell of it and she’s still learning like three other at the same time which is a MESS but she’s a mess so like can u blame her sdfghj

but like i said, she’s v e r y reckless. very much a party girl. she uses like...quite a few drugs, both socially and alone and frankly -- she’s rarely sober.

a budding alcoholic because she’s convinced that without it she’ll be Miserable and Horrible to everybody because she’s a Horrible, Awful person who is the absolute Worse and if drinking vodka mixed in with 23 crystal lite packets helps with not thinking like that then she’ll do it no questions asked

its a problem she’s been developing since she was younger, only amplified by ... situation, that happened when she was eighteen.

is essentially wearing this mask of confidence and giddiness and flirtatiousness b/c she doesnt want people to think she’s doing Not Okay.

she loves so much. she loves everything, everybody. falls in love like five times a day but nothing really sticks to her either. if ur a shitty person/come off as an asshole then she’ll be more likely to be attracted to her b/c shes Always been like this. finds them super interesting which is ?? questionable ?? sometimes i want to just. knock some sense into her but y’know what...it’s fine we’re Fine

she gets around p frequently but is also the type of person who’ll like, try n maintain a positive, good friendship with whoever she sleeps with b/c the idea of having regrettable encounters is smth that Bothers her and she just pretty much refuses.

she does stick n pokes !! a whole bunch !! let her give you one !! she can’t draw for shit but i mean, who cares, right ??

uuuhh her mom sends her like...prototypes of things she designs n shit that isn’t out yet and saige 100% always gives it away or it sits in her closet and essentially that is her go-to gift for birthdays or christmas or whenever she feels like it

there’s literally sm i could say about her but i’ll stop Here b/c it’s getting too long sksksksk

wanted connections !!

give me. a best friend. just somebody who sticks by her side even though she’s a Mess

like, a ride or die ?? is that the same as a best friend ?? idc i want both :)

and just in general, like, people she’s p close to ?? she’s really friendly and is the kind of girl who’d be really popular in high school but doesn’t care abt popularity n talks to literally Everybody like she’s known them all her life.

ESP if ur muse is a lil grumpier !! she will fuck their shit up, but like, in a friendship way.

party pals, who, much like tatiana they don’t talk that much outside of parties but inside them ?? super close. glued to the hip. hold-your-hair-back kinda tight.

frenemies ?? fake friends ?? toxic pals ?? ppl using her for her money or like, sex, or something ?? anything ??

bad influences ?? who just encourage all of saige’s shit ??

good influences ?? who are like YOINK stop being an idiot.

a tutor b/c she’s like...she’s smart, okay, but she’s also really stupid LMAO. she’s rly bad at math and science. somebody help her.

hook ups ?? fwbs ?? that one, rare one-night-stand that went weird ??

exes ?? she’s sorta noncommittal so idk how long they would’ve dated but like sjdfkbo yolo ?? ex hook-ups too ??

...somebody who just. hates her. but she doesn’t realize bc she’s a big ol’ idiot. she thinks theyre pals !!

let her b a thorn in someone’s side, just like, an absolute annoyance LMAO

gimme an enemy, or like an ex-best friend where something happened between them n it ruined their friendship

i will take literally anything i dont know

she steals ur character’s mail ?? ur cat keeps escaping and she keeps letting them inside even tho she’s allergic ??

one of those friendships where theyre always bickering like an old married couple ?? but it’s Purely Platonic (or is it ??)

an off-and-on again that just. it’s not good for either of them b/c they keep enabling each other and then getting pissed off and it’s a Mess but ?? it’s so hard to stop.

please. take her. give me connections.

[cancer-man-speaks]

Cancer Sucks But You Live

My punctuation sucks because I haven’t evolved thumbs.

---------------------------

Sometimes I put things off so long that I feel ashamed and in turn try to bury it even deeper in the pile of things to do. As far as excuses go it’s not the greatest but most fall short of that. A great deal of that lost time is laziness but there is also a part of me that doesn’t want to look back, that doesn’t want to remember what it was like to be where you are at.

    Always obsessed with outward appearance, I cracked a joke when the doctor told me that my PET scan lit up like a Christmas tree on crank. I cried in my sister’s arms when she ran to me across the snow dusted parking lot of the clinic. I smoked a pack of cigarettes on the car ride home, trying to keep my hands busy, to do something other than think about what this all meant. I calmed down before walking in, steeling myself to be as stoic and stone faced for my family as I could. In my head I thought that I couldn’t feel this for the sake of others around me. The moment I walked in the door, I saw the tear streaked faces of my mother and sisters. The dogs milled around their ankles not sure what to make of all their sorrow and their inability to help (or in our beagle’s case, his inability to get fed.) All my bluster, all my hubris fell away when I saw my loved ones, the things I had to lose all in one place. They embraced me one at a time then we came together as a group and I lost it. All motor control lost, my legs felt like jelly. They as a group, as a family supported my weight until I could stand on my own two feet again. The beagle, ever caring, bit me in the ankle for being too far into my mother’s person space.

When I got home from the biopsy, that confirmed the doctor’s suspicion of cool case of type b small cell non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, I took to sleeping on the floor. I told myself it was to keep my bad back comfortable but the truth was it felt good to have something solid underneath me as everything was changing. The days passed and the face in the mirror grew ever more foreign. The bone under my flab carved itself out in my cheeks and jaw. Hollow pockets formed around my eyes that gave me the look of an upstairs basement dwelling gnurdsferatu. The only thing that didn’t change were the patterns on the pitted hardwood of my floor. I’d take off my glasses, lay my head on the cool floor, and follow the whirls in the grain with my weary eyes until they lead out of blurry site. There was a comfort in knowing that just because I couldn’t see where the rich, brown lines ended it didn’t mean they were done travelling.

Either through pity or not being able to read the signs of chemotherapy I’d occasionally get compliments on my physique. Over a beer or two somebody would ask, “You look really good, man. What’s your secret? You been going to the gym or doing heroin?”

Nothing beats the satisfaction of the anti-joke that is responding with an off handed, casual, “I have cancer. It beats the hell out of doing palates.” After you explain the sitch to people a million times explaining it one more time is mundane and boring. They will stumble a second on their words; not sure if you are telling the truth or a joke in poor taste. It’s the ultimate, “Gotcha,” moment. When your diagnosis becomes blasé your spirits soar.

    From a few days after I was diagnosed letters poured in by the boatload. Friends, family, friends of family, people that had passed me once at the mall and paid a compliment to my shoes all wanted me to know that there was hope and that I was not alone. I’d read them and be dumbfounded by the amount of care people could express for a stranger. I was even more dumbfounded by the amount of care the family could express. No matter how hard I tried to blend into the background, to continue my weird, self-isolation from my family they kept firing salvo after salvo of cards and gifts. They’d send me gum, stickers that said, “Fuck Cancer,” (Because as we know cancer is terrified of strong language.), and all manner of sweet, sweet candy treats. There was no way for me to stay off the radar of the people that loved me.  

    I held it together through my first few rounds of chemo. It really didn’t bother me until my hair fell out. Until my fourth round I was feeling like a million bucks. I was getting skinny, I lost a few stray hairs, and I had an actual license to smoke pot. What 24-year-old wouldn’t love that? I was driving to the store to grab a drink and I ran my hand through my hair and it came back in tufts between my fingers. Pulling off the road into an abandoned store’s parking lot I started neurotically, compulsively picking away at my scalp and beard. Handfuls of the stuff coated the front seat of my 03’ Accord but still I couldn’t stop. I watched in horror as my reflection warped in the rearview mirror. I just couldn’t stop. After a half hour of what scholars refer to as, “Going bananas real manic like,” I regained my composure. I drove myself over to a friend’s house and had her shear my head with the clippers her dad used to shave his back. From that day on I was bald. It wasn’t so bad when I got used to it. Every now and then I would get a weird phantom limb sensation, as though I still had a rugged mane of hair, when the breeze blew on my naked scalp.

    I was in and out of the hospital all the time. My guts exploded one time when a tumor responded to the chemo and disappeared. It was what we wanted with the tumor, not so much what we wanted for my intestines. They cut out ten feet of my goop and stitched me back up. I was locked up in the cancer klink for two weeks after that. They had me on a tube and all of my food and fluids came from an IV, except when family or friends were around. They would sneak me a small cup of ice cubes, a rare sip of water, or even, once, a whole bottle of tangerine Bai over a whole night. Even when I was being a real grumpy cancer boy my friends, family, and everybody else would stick it out just to let me know I wasn’t alone. In that exact same stay, a friend of mine actually saved my life because he was able to understand my garbled speech through my nose/mouth tubes. I’d been trying to explain to my nurse that the bile vacuum they had in my guts was pumping my green-black bile back into me but she may have been one of god’s special people. When my friend confirmed that my gunk was being pumped back into me, he snagged somebody. Without that kind of support, I’d have either been dead or in the hooskow weeks longer. Not every situation is bubbling gut ooze but when it is remember to trust those people around you enough to say, “Hey, my bubbling gut ooze vacuum feels like its acting weird. Can you go look at the container the ooze is collecting in and tell me what it’s doing?”

    You’d think that with all this gut busting and chemo I’d be taking it easy. Wrong. I’m a big idiot so instead of resting I kept smoking, went to the bars regularly, and tried my hand at in the DIY rock n’ roll venue game. My nights before chemo were full of putting anything and everything I could inflict on my body. Jumping through tables, mosh pits, and drinking beer bongs to Jean Claude Van Dame flicks were everyday occurrences. I’d been dumb before cancer. With the ability to live a bohemian, YOLO life I did just that. I’d burn the candle at both ends because I didn’t know if there was going to be a tomorrow. Tomorrow always came; usually with a Jimmy Buffet grade hangover. Dumb. I was dumb. I did seven rounds of chemo then stem cell and not once did I let off the gas petal of stupidity.

    But you know what?

    I survived. Against all odds, against odds that I was actively trying to stack against myself, I survived. Was it a miracle sent down from the heavens? Maybe. Was it aliens? I’d like to think so. Was it the constant support of my friends and loved ones coupled with cutting edge, state of the art technology in the hands of the most competent doctors and nurses in the industry even though I was hellbent on dying young and beautiful because I’m an idiot? That’s a run-on sentence. It’s also a pretty good idea of what kept me alive, what will keep you alive. I was full to the brim with cancer while dancing on the brink of self-immolation. If I did everything in my power to give myself the odds of a three-legged horse at the Kentucky Derby what do you think yours are? I bet you take care of yourself at least slightly better. I’d like to think that if I beat cancer there is an infinite amount of hope for you, who is not an idiot with a death wish, to go into remission.

    There will be moments in the dead of night where you doubt your own survival. There will be bright days that you will sleep away. There will be moments where you lay on the floor in the fetal position bathed in hot tears and cold sweat. You will think of what a life without this hell would be like. You will feel like the cards are stacked against you. The, “What if’s,” will mix a cocktail of fatal fear in your skull eating away at your resolve. You will walk into your kitchen and forget for half an hour that you came in there for soup. You will throw that soup up and lay hunched and miserable over the porcelain for an hour. You will wonder who will carry your name? Who will see your babies walk across the stage at graduation?

The answer is you. This may be the worst moment of your life but it will not be the one that defines you. What defines you will be all that comes after this nightmare. With your two hands you will make great works. Gardens resplendent in their rainbow will call your master. You will see the white sands of far off beaches, will feel the artic chill of the frozen wastelands allegedly known as, “Canadia” far to the North. Mortal peril will be replaced with picking up the kids from karate and a gallon of milk. You will watch your children grow and cover this earth like that brand of paint I can’t mention for copyright reasons. As you watch them cross that stage or walk down the aisle you will have at your sides the same faces that did their best to make you smile from your bedside during your weakest moment. Trust in them as you would have them trust in you. They will be your guide when you cannot find yourself, we will be your guide.

[alanakusumas]

The Bittersweet Epilogue (Sweet Treats Pt.3)

Fandom: Endless Summer Pairing: Michelle x Quinn, Jake x F!MC Word Count: 2119 Summary: Since the intense end of their La Huerta trip, the gang is still as close as they were two years ago. Their trauma is a weird thing to bond over, but the original Girl Talk™️ group cope with their losses through personal achievements, falling in love, and welcoming their fellow honorary traumatized member.

Author’s Note: Thanks for constantly pushing me to finish this series. It’s been a wild year, and I can’t believe Endless Summer is ending already! I’m so attached to this trilogy that started off as a prompt request, and I managed to birth a new part for each book. I can’t believe we have to bid our farewells to these characters already, but when I think about it, it’s been a solid year and a half. Let’s hope they make appearances in other books!

Previously on Sweet Treats, Now Gimme the Deets... Part 1 // Part 2

The soft rumble of car wheels gliding across flat pavement flowed in one ear and out the other. Driving down empty freeways never failed to soothe her. There’s such an exhilarating feeling that exerts out of her soul when she flies down the road, watching the city and bridges around her zip past her vision faster than she can make sense of it. A sigh escaped her lips as she lost herself in a scenery of purple sunsets and deep green forestry. There could be so many things wrong with the world, but in this moment it seemed like it was perfect. The world was perfect, her life was perfect. Her life was finally perfect for once.

How could she have gotten so lucky, to win an all inclusive trip to La Huerta? Certainly she went through a hellstorm, but without that adventure she never would have met friends for a lifetime, rediscover what she finds important, and finally understand what it’s like to fall head over heels in love for someone.

Speaking of that someone, she snapped out of her trance and glanced down at her hands intertwined with theirs. She gave it a gentle squeeze. “I love you,” She mumbled under her breath just loud enough for them to hear.

“I love you too, Meech.” Quinn raised their hands and pressed hers into a soft kiss. “What made you think of that?”

“I’m going down a path of nostalgia again. So much has happened in the past two years, I’m just really thankful to have you.” Embarrassed, she rolled her eyes. “Not to be super cheesy or anything, but I wouldn’t wish for it to be any other way.”

There used to be a time where Michelle would kill to be in Sean’s arms again, but even though their love for one another would never disperse, the time they spent together seemed to have brought them nowhere. There was no growth - just routine, and although things didn’t end the way either of them wanted it to, upon reflection she was happy it happened.

Quinn’s eyes glistened with adoration. “Me too.” She peered ahead of the road, eyes shifting from the speed limit signs to the streets that were open for exit. “How much longer until we reach the airport?”

“We’re almost there, give or take fifteen minutes. I can see the terminal signs coming up right about now.” Quinn nods in response and let out a sigh.

This car ride has been awfully tense; Michelle thinks it’s because she and her girlfriend had a mutual understanding that this day was going to be rough, if anything. The drive to the airport was the only break they had today to drift off into their own worlds before they had to face the bittersweet reality that was their bi-annual reunion.

It was MC’s wish - that they’d always remember and cherish one another after she merged back with Vaanu – and there was no way they could break that promise. She sacrificed her life to let them fulfill theirs; Michelle has been ever so grateful for that. She recalled the time she told MC her aspirations of taking medical residency in New York.

After she returned to Hartfeld, she worked twice as hard as before to ensure that MC’s sacrifice was worth something to her. Since moving to New York after her acceptance into neurosurgery residency, Michelle has had the thrill of diagnosing patients, and in return she got their gratitude. That was more than enough for her. Finally confessing her crush on Quinn last year and moving in with her was just the cherry on top.

It wasn’t a reunion unless everyone was there – and that’s where Michelle and Quinn were heading to pick Jake up. It was their turn to host the reunion - and as MC’s maid of honor, Michelle only felt it was right to greet him there. “Not gonna lie, I’m excited but also nervous to see Jake again,” she confessed as they pulled up to the pick-up area, “Do you think it’ll be a l’il awkward like the last few times?”

“I doubt it; he’s making progress each time we see him. And,” Quinn added, “Judging by what Rebecca shares on her Snapchat, she seems to be spending a lot of time with him to keep him from going into a lonely, soul-sucking deep end. Remember that video of him tripping over a tree branch when they went hiking last weekend?” Michelle tried to fake a chuckle, yet she couldn’t help but let the nerves get to her. She had one hand gripped to the wheel, and the other still clutching onto Quinn’s tightly when tears began to well up in her eyes.

“I don’t know how he does it, I miss her so much.” She felt Quinn squeeze her hand.

“Me too,” Quinn leaned in so Michelle could rest her head on her girlfriend’s shoulder; she felt her trace small circles on her back. It was comforting to finally let someone in her life besides Sean; she felt peace for the first time, in a long -

A sudden jerk of the back door handle jolted them out of their somber nuzzling, becoming fully aware of their pilot friend welcoming himself into Michelle’s car. He tossed his duffel bag on one end of the car before plopping himself on the other end.

“Alrighty gal pals, as much as I like seeing people being affectionate in public, let’s try to keep this car ride PG, shall we?”

Michelle let out a loud groan, contrary to her girlfriend’s lighthearted giggle. “Welcome to New York, I guess.” 

-- -- --

The ride back to the city wasn’t as awks as Michelle assumed it would be. Right away Quinn asked Jake what he’s been up to, and the conversation picked up from there.

“I don’t know, I’m still in between jobs, I guess.” He began, “A part of me wants to get into personal training; stay on the ground for a bit. But Reb insists that I try to do some community college – which is stupid, I hate the idea of going back to school. But, I kinda want to do it, for her sake.” He glanced down as he let out a hearty chuckle. “I’m also considering joining the police academy –“

“Oh my god, yes.” The words stumbled out of Michelle’s mouth before she could even catch herself. “Sorry,” She blushed, “I just think that would make great poetic justice. Plus, you have the right attitude and physique for it.”

The left corner of Jake’s mouth lifts up into a smirk. “Physique, eh?”

“Shut your trap.”

“Gotta say, Meech, awfully bold of you to be checking Jake out while I’m right here.”

“Oh, now you guys are teaming up on me? That’s a first!”

-- -- --

“Say, you girls think anyone’s pregnant this time around?”

“If anything, my money’s on Grace and Aleister!”

“Nuh uh. No way in hell am I letting Grace get pregnant this early into her career.”

-- -- --

“Meech, do you always have your hair in a ponytail nowadays?”

“Yeah, why not? I need to keep it up as a doctor. Plus, I look good regardless.”

Jake scoffed. “Cocky.”

“Cock.”

“Language, guys.”

“Babe, first of all, you’re twenty-three and –”

“Second of all, who cares? There are no kids in the car.”

“That’s what you think.”

Michelle’s eyes bulged out of their sockets before she screamed. “Whoa, what the fuck! Don’t make jokes like that!”

“I can’t even get pregnant. We both have vaginas, Michelle.”

“Fuck you, sperm donors exist.”

“Holy shit, Quinn, this ain’t even my relationship or kid, and that stressed me out for a sec.”

“Oh my god, fine. Cuss to your heart’s desire.”

-- -- --

Serene silence took over the vehicle as Michelle pulled into the parking garage of her apartment and turned her car off. Finally relieved to have completed the road trip, she inhaled, and then exhaled through her glossy lips while leaning back on her driver’s seat.

To her right, was her beautiful girlfriend who drifted off to sleep while leaning against her seat-belt; she could tell from the faint whistle coming from her nose.

And behind her – she glanced up at her driver’s mirror – was one of her best friends’ husband, fiddling with the one dog tag he had left on his chain, since he gifted the other to MC before she transcended away. Catching her looking, he stares back into her reflection with sincerity. “I miss her,” He muttered, bold and firm.

She sighed. “Me too.”

Groggily, Quinn stirred awake, “Yeah,” She whispered.

Besides maintaining the dedication of their friendship, the only other reason the entire gang meets up twice a year was a tribute to MC. The three of them hope that she’s somewhere out in the universe, knowing that they’re still thinking of her.

-- -- --

“Excuse me, waiter! One more round of shots please! One more round on me, guys.”

“For Christ’s sake, Raj. We aren’t college fools anymore. I can’t drink this much.”

“I’ll happily take your shot for you, Big Al.”

Roaring laughter and chitchat filled the leather booth that Quinn rented out at their favourite local bar. Michelle was elated to see them in New York with her. Just like how Quinn constantly made her feel, she realized that it wasn’t the city that made a place home.

…Okay, maybe the city had a bit to do with that. But at the end of the day, it’s the people who surround her that keep her at peace. And right now, that meant her family. Her La Huerta family.

“Helllooooooo, Meech? Meech!” She blinked once, twice, snapping out of her trance to see Craig snapping in front of her face, hair still as spikey as it was in the college years.

“What?”

“Anything new happen in the past six months?” His eyes glistened with anticipation every time he saw her. It was nice to know that he’s still got her back after all these years, despite the cheating allegations the sorority had against her.

“Nope,” She said disappointingly, “Just working and studying. The occasional date with Quinn.”

Her girlfriend shook her head in dismay, ready to counter that statement. “It’s not just any occasional date. She took me to the planetarium a few weekends ago! We watched the evolution of the Milky Way; it was gorgeous!”

“Damn,” Sean beamed at the two, and Michelle beamed back in appreciation. “Name a better date in your early twenties, I’ll wait.” Michelle shook her head and bit her lip to hold a laugh in, getting secondhand embarrassment from the outdated joke her ex just made.

From the corner of her eye, she noticed a server approach the booth with a platter of chocolate-coated strawberries. “Enjoy,” She said bleakly.

“Oh, we didn’t order these.”

“These are complementary from the chef.”

Michelle raised an eyebrow at the server. “Why?”

“I don’t know. Y’all are locals, right? Maybe he saw how happy you and your partner are with your friends right now, and wanted to make the night even better.”

“Well, if Michelle won’t eat them, I will,” Zahra began to lean over the table and pluck a strawberry off the platter, and everybody else began to dig in following her.

Michelle side-eyed Quinn - whose lips began to lift into a grin, and then glanced over at Jake – who is very clearly holding his breath in shock. Chocolate coated strawberries? There’s no way this was just a coincidence. Their eyes began to well up with tears again, reminiscing the first time MC, Quinn, and Michelle shared their first moment of sisterhood.

What a bittersweet feeling it is, to believe that MC’s still here with them.

Even though it was as little silly, and she might not even hear anything, Michelle thought it was worth the shot to talk to her. She hated to admit it, but she does that every so often. She liked to believe that MC can hear her, and understood her.

Hey, MC.

If you can hear our thoughts, we miss you so much. Thank you so much for letting us all pursue our dreams. I can never thank you enough. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to fall in love with Quinn; we hope you’re okay.

She turned to see Jake, still gripping onto his dog tag, deep in thought.

Jake really misses you. He’s constantly twiddling with his dog tag, which means that he’s thinking of the other half. His other half. He’s really happy with his sister right now, so you don’t have to worry; your husband’s in good hands. You’ve really changed him, I don’t think he ever wants to fly a plane again without a partner-in-crime.

The most important thing, is that he loves you. He knows you’re his forever soulmate, no matter where you are, or what you are.

She looked over at her gorgeous girlfriend, biting into a strawberry with the brightest grin on her face. And someday, I hope I’ll feel the way he does for you, with Quinn.

Oh, by the way, those strawberries the ‘chef’ sent were amaaaazing.

-- -- --

“Oh!” Grace grabbed onto her boyfriend’s arm. “Aleister and I have some news to share with you all!”

Jake and Michelle immediately exchange an alarmed look with one another. Please don’t be pregnant, please don’t be pregnant.

“Grace and I have been talking about it, and we finally decided that…we’re going to move in together.”

Oh, Jesus Christ, thank the fucking Lord.         

[ofhowls]

PSA – on myself !

hi, okay, i’ve had a good night’s sleep and in my dreams and the rest of the morning, i have reflected. and, i’m gonna be honest with all of you, my habit of giving my two cents when it isn’t needed is… stupid, to say the least. i would’ve liked to think i did more good than harm ( especially when it came to my whole slave rp crusade, which i’m realising might be the only thing of value i did for this community ) but that appears to definitely not be the case. i posted an apology for some things said about a year ago though i can’t find it now with my blogs gone. i’m also assuming it was a subpar post regardless. 

so, whether you like me or not, i still feel the need to apologise – so if you feel that some of the things i’ve said has had a negative affect on you or the community, then click below. 

i won’t bring up everything i’ve ever said because honestly, i can’t remember it all. but i will mention some things that have been mentioned last night.

i. tw pedophilia // i’m not good at words. i’m very bad at them, actually. i have a whole lot of trouble articulating my thoughts and usually, most of the time, it comes out completely wrong. i won’t defend my pov ( like i did last night ) because it is a topic i haven’t thought of in ages and an opinion i shouldn’t have stuck with without proper reconsideration. i’m always quick to defend myself, you know? but in this political climate and the way “ minor attracted people ” ( saying that with the most sarcastic of quotations ) are attempting to be apart of the lgbt community… my previous opinion on the matter is absolutely whack. sure, i think help should be offered by therapists and psychologists and all of the professionals in the world. but my previous point was maybe not crucify people with paraphilias in general areas such as tumblr and twitter and whatever. because it will keep them from getting the help needed, but most importantly, prevent any children getting hurt if they don’t. 

but that was wrong. like, completely. clearly, shaming and ridiculing and reporting is the only way to deal with those who see no wrong in their doings. my attention was always shifted towards that do and that was because of a documentary i watched sometime ago. it’s obvious the former, those who think their attraction is valid and healthy, make up the majority of these people. my point of view was skewed based on a singular source and that’s messed up. i realise now that those who know their attraction is wrong will seek help without me coddling them, and my posts would only encourage those who don’t, to be more open & proud about it. i apologise for it seeming that i was accepting pedophiles and their attraction into the community, because that was most definitely not my intention. i have no excuses for this and i will educate myself more, with recent and relevant information, before i ever try and speak on the matter again. especially on a public forum. 

ii. ableism tw // i was diagnosed with autism when i was about eighteen years old. that was very late. and up until that point, i was dealing with a tons of misinformation regarding the people on the spectrum and my own shock & confusion over the diagnosis given. and though that’s not an excuse, it’s also not the reason i said what i said. if you know me, at all, you’ll know that i’m very much obsessed with being an individual and getting a rise outta people. way more back then than now. but that’s who i am. i hopped onto a trend i deemed stupid and attacked it from every angle, not quite thinking of the implication behind the words that i said. 

i realise, later, that why i choose the autistic example might be because of my own issues with it. at the time. over the past two years, i’ve grown so much regarding my identity and i finally feel comfortable, and proud, in my own skin and with my autism. there used to be a time where i hid it and made comments on how ~ i was different ~ , somehow, and i can gladly say that’s not me anymore. i’m very sorry for what i said because i realise how hurtful that must’ve been to the rest of the community. me being autistic myself is no excuse and i know what kind of effect a commentary like that would have on others. especially those who were struggling with it like myself.

iii. every tw under the sun // i’m gonna be honest with y’all, once again my edginess came into play. my need to open my big fat mouth for no other reason other than i could. that post, especially given just how ignorant a lot of the community is on issues mentioned, myself included on some, is bad. it’s a bad take that is bad. and it’s quite possibly the stupidest thing i’ve ever written/read. i know so many writers who have refused to do research and me going up there and saying “ that’s okay, you can do what you want! ” … no. i still believe there’s freedom to write whatever you want, though – but to an extent. there’s a limit that shouldn’t be crossed and that’s the limit i attempted to bend in the post i made. at the time, i think, i felt entitled to have this opinion due to the minorities i’m myself included in. but that’s also a real bad take. i did see people’s point of views then but i think i failed to apologise once more. i’m bad at that, and it’s something i’m working on. 

anyways, to the topic at hand. we need to make people take more responsibility in this community and although i’m getting a whole bunch thrown at me at once, at the moment, i’m a bit grateful for it. i’ve realised thanks to these things being brought back up, that i didn’t apologise and i didn’t take responsibility – and i should’ve. i said things on a public platform that actively reassured people, who should not have been reassured, of their place in this community. racism, homophobia, TRANSPHOBIA, and pedophilia, are among the things that have no place here. i fought so much against the slave roleplays and their opinion on how ~ it’s writing, freedom of speech, and yadada ~ was WRONG. yet, i turned around and wrote a post like that? it was a bad, and hypocritical, take indeed. and one i thoroughly apologise for. 

vi. racism tw // once upon a time, i defended a friend’s roleplay without much knowledge other than ‘ it’s my friends, i have to ! ’ i have the lowest of iq’s, if you can’t tell. anyways. i think it was called siouxfalls, or something like that, and we found out that it was the name of a native tribe. i thought, personally as a white little bitch, that it was no big deal. who cared! ( lots of people, but i really only paid attention to the anons i got… which was… stupid ) and thus, i went out of my way to defend a friend of mine. i didn’t read the plot, i barely looked at the roleplay. i involved myself in a situation i had no clue about, and took it from there. i used a large following and a huge amount of traffic on my blog, to shit on people with genuine concern. there’s no excuse for that! i kept this up for hours, and anons swarmed to my inbox to poke fun at it, too. and i thought, hey, if anons are cool with it – that must mean i’m in the right. i wasn’t. 

there came a time where the other admin of the roleplay, the one i hardly knew, leapt to their roleplay’s defence. in their, very, long post about the matter – they mentioned that, hey, we aren’t forgetting about natives! in fact! there’s gonna be a plot drop about all of those slaughtered there! and that… was yikes. i backed out of the conversation when that happened. and that also a bad decision! i should’ve stuck around, spoken to this person i actually had access to – and 1. realised my own wrongdoings for the night, and 2. used the audience i had to correct myself and draw attention to an even bigger issue. i didn’t. i let it go, hoping no one would remember. i was in a shitty position of allowing racist subtext into the community and diminishing the concern of people of color, and i sincerely apologise. i was a 15 minute of fame whore and i didn’t bother with the feelings of others. i was, in all honesty, a garbage person. and i take full responsibility for that. 

v. no tw because this is more of a general statement // i am sure there are more specific things that i’ve done and that i’ve said, but with the sheer amount of garbage that came out of my mouth, i have trouble recalling anything significant. i would gladly accept receipts and reminders from everyone and anyone. i’m not asking you to coddle me, but i really do wish you’d help me take some responsibility. memory like a goldfish and like 5k posts of bullshit just don’t add up. anyways. since my latest ‘ jayden said something fucking stupid ’ discourse was about a year ago, i feel like i have grown. tumblr, for me, was a very bad place to be in many ways. i’m not saying the community is toxic but it was to me. i like attention and i like getting asks and i like putting my two cents out there. it created a whole bunch of issues and it gave me a bigger platform than i should’ve had. with my absence, which i’m also a bit grateful for, i spent more time on other social medias and i learned more about issues i never even began reading about on here. 

i’m not saying i’m the brightest now, either, but i’m definitely smarter. i didn’t come back to the rpc, with the exception of one or two posts, because i don’t feel like i should have an audience to barely formed opinions. and i’m not apologising now because it was all brought up but because it being brought up reminded me of damage i’d caused. i’d be an idiot to think it should be swept under the rug, because it shouldn’t! if it weren’t from the backslash of the rpc, i never would’ve second-guessed my opinions and reevaluated them, and that’s extremely important. it’s important to hold people accountable and it’s important to make sure apologies are made. i’m not asking for anyone to forgive me, because let’s be real, this was long overdue. though, i hope this has made it clear that my opinions aren’t the same as they once were and i genuinely am apologetic for damage done.

i don’t know if any of this was remotely coherent, but i hope it was? the anon feature is back on, and hopefully instead of racist commentary, it can be used for things more constructive. once again, no need to hold my hand, but if you feel like i’ve missed out on anything that should be addressed – please let me know! like i’m not the same dimwit i was a year ago. that’d be too freaking sad. anyways, once again, i apologise for what i’ve said and many lessons have been learned. believe me. 

[indieks]

One-Life Stand 💫 Jungkook [0.8]

🛏 Pairing : Jeon Jungkook x Reader

🛏 Genre : Fluff, Mild angst

🛏 Warnings : none for this part

🛏 Synopsis : Getting attracted to your long-time best friend, is something classical. Having a one-night stand with him though, is something alarming. While you get scared of your feelings and try to forget about it with the sake of your friendship as an excuse, Jeon Jungkook finally opens his eyes on his own and gets determined to turn this one-night thing into a real relationship.

0.1 || 0.2 || 0.3 || 0.4 || 0.5 || 0.6 || 0.7 || 0.8 || 0.9 || 1 [END]

🛏 A/N : Only two parts left after this one… We’re approaching the pit guys, and as I told you, more angst is coming…! This part includes the very first scene I had in mind for these series, I’m so happy I finally get to post it hahaha

Thank you for reading again and again ♥

       Dining with Mingyu? Seriously?

The afternoon had come so fast, so had the evening in your company – as quiet as it had been in the library –  and Jungkook hadn’t even had the time to savor your perfume or admire your traits to the fullest that you already were fleeing away to meet the Charming Prince. Your best friend pierced your frame with his gaze until you disappeared behind the doors, and he sighed. How come everything was going so wrong between the both of you? Why couldn’t you see how sincere he was? Why were you ignoring him? Did you really not like him?

So many questions were jazzing into his messy mind to the point he thought he’d be diagnosed with dementia sooner or later.

The brown-haired guy shook his head to brush off this idea as he felt his heart crack just at the thought of having been deceived this whole time. However, as it was hard for him to question his own actions, Jungkook was still resolved to follow his plan. He wouldn’t step back unless you clearly tell him no. His competitive spirit was telling him to push it further and further towards the edge, so that he would finally unveil what you were hiding from him.

He was being of bad faith, and deep down he knew it, as you already had told him what you didn’t want him to do. Still, you hadn’t expressed what you wanted. The only thing he foolishly was holding onto, was your sleepy declaration, ensuring him you wanted the exact same thing as he did, but with only your fear maintaining the both of you so far apart. And he was willing to fight it.

Well, now that he was facing your empty chair and rereading your finished and small conversation, Jungkook’s uneasy heartbeat finally started to ring a bell into his straightforward mind ; maybe, just maybe, he’d have to stop at some point… Not now.

Step 3 – Provoke her ✔

You were on your way to Mingyu’s flat the next day, a bubble of excitement popping into your stomach as you were happy to see him. You were talking more frequently these days, and you really had appreciated dining in his company the evening before, comforting you in the idea that he really had an overall nice and charming personality. It also helped you forget about the other bug for a while… You had closed your eyes on opportunities to date because of Jeon Jungkook’s power on you, but not anymore ; Mingyu was worth the try, even more if it could shake your best friend out of his trance.

Mingyu’s flat was in a nice and modern building that left your mouth agape before its sight, and you hurried yourself inside. He lived on the fourth floor, and you were about to knock gently on the wooden door, when you remembered a message he had sent you ten minutes ago telling you the door would be open, in case he didn’t hear you because of the vacuum. You entered shyly the vast apartment, your eyes opening wide as you faced a big living room with window bays showcasing an awesome view of the busy town.

“Hello?”

No answer. You pricked up your ear as you overheard some music coming from a room on the left, in a small corridor, and you quickly recognized “Rainism” of Rain, making you chuckle. But your smile quickly disappeared the second you heard a familiar voice singing the lyrics loudly, a beautiful yet annoying voice that became clearer as the door opened. You froze into your place, wanting to hide yourself as you knew too damn well who was coming, even if you ignored how come his ass was in here.

Still, if you were already shaken by the fact that you both were in the same apartment at the same time, you hadn’t expected a dancing Jeon Jungkook with wet hair, only a towel falling on his hips, but his bare chest gladly defying you and reminding you once more of that night, to enter the scene. He was about to cross the living room and go straight to the opened kitchen, when he brutally stopped in his tracks as he saw you a few meters away from him, your eyes about to pop out from their holes and your mouth wide open. His chest was perfectly defined, water pearls rolling on his pectorals and dripping down on his six-pack. Oh yes, his muscles were all a girl could ask for, not too much but just enough to be fucking masculine and sexy and whatever your hormones couldn’t stand him to be.

Even if you already had seen him naked, the alcohol you had drank that night had blurred and drown your memories so you hadn’t been able to remember what he exactly had looked like. But there the culprit was to print another memory in your aching but sober head, a memory that dried your mouth and made your legs wobble. 

Like a fast-forward film, your brain suddenly played the images of your hands caressing and scratching that very chest that had towered yours, and it was as if your fingers could feel the soft and burning sensation once again even when they were only hanging next to your body. And then, Jungkook smiled. No, he smirked, probably because he saw how flustered you were from seeing him in that kind of… disposition.

“You were looking for me, babe?” he asked, and as if you weren’t distressed enough, Mingyu came out from a room on your right, in a tank top and with his forehead full of sweat.

Had he been exercising? He too, was stunning. Where had you landed? Was it the attractive-and-killing-boys’ paradise or what?

“Babe?” Mingyu picked up, an unidentifiable expression dressing his traits and you swallowed hard, threatening Jungkook with your eyes in case he’d say anything stupid.

“Oh yeah, that’s how we call each other sometimes, we’ve known each other since eleven years old so yeah, she’s still a baby for me” Jungkook lied, not even bothered by the fact that he was half naked before a girl and her crush.

Your best friend crossed his arms and poked his cheek with his tongue as he adored to do, sign he was wearing his arrogant and cocky mask right now, and his eyes were swinging back and forth between your embarrassed self and a without a doubt annoyed Mingyu.

“Ah yeah…” Mingyu finally spoke up, nodding slowly and looking at his opponent from head to toes. “I’m sorry Y/N, I should’ve woken them up before you arrived anyway. I’m changing and packing my stuff and we can go eat outside, that’s fine by you?”

You caught the insistence on this word and in his gaze, so you nodded with a gentle smile, and the tanned-boy went back into his room which door he “accidentally” slammed, making you jump in surprise.

Jungkook was still standing there and he dared to shake his wet hair, killing you a bit more, and he even stretched, making the towel fall dangerously on his hips. You snapped your head away and rolled your eyes while your cheeks started to burn.

“What do you think you’re doing?!” you finally half-exclaimed half-whispered over the music that was still playing, the annoyance finally taking the best of you, then you glanced at him.

“What? You don’t like pet names? Or what you’re seeing? You don’t miss it? I remember you liking it-”

“Stop joking about that! What are you even doing here?”

You were so frustrated by his demeanor right now. You could clearly see what he was trying to do, and even if it worked too damn well, you hated that he dared to play that fuckboy card on you. You weren’t one of his chicks who’d say yes to that.

“I’ll stop when you’ll stop being stupid and scared, or... when you tell me things clearly” he shrugged, the move itself making his muscles contract and you swore you wished you could turn blind for a few minutes in your life. “And I’m here because well, you were meeting with Prince Charming last night so I decided that I’d call a nice friend who’d accept to drunk his ass off with me and forget about some frustrations… And you? Here to go on a date again? Is he marking points? I could almost envy him, but I’m still ahead of him for the best intimate thing so… Unless that’s why you were meeting here and I messed up your plans?” he falsely cooed.

So salty.

Jungkook had been smiling at you all the while, designating the closed door with his chin and pretending to be actually asking those irritating questions when in fact he was making you understand implicitly how pissed off he was about that guy and your outings with him. You took every poisonous arrow he had shot at you, his sarcasm leaving a deep impact in your mind and on your heart, and your hands that had been aching from the souvenir of his soft skin were now eager to smack and punch it as he was being an asshole.

Hurry Mingyu, please.

“Do you want me to hate you, Jungkook? I thought I didn’t want to lose my best friend but you’re making yourself odious lately, you know?!” you finally hissed in a quiet tone even if you wanted to scream at him.

“Nope, I want you to come to me, that’s different” he answered in a louder voice while caressing his chest, but without failing to look at you right in the eyes.

You gasped and lowered your gaze first, his straightforwardness killing your willpower and anger in an instant.

“I won’t come, because the two of us together won’t go anywhere Jungkook” you coldly stated after having braced yourself.

You heard him chuckle and when you looked up at him, he was biting his lip while staring at your frame he was craving to hold into his arms. What were you so afraid of? Why couldn’t you trust him this time? Why were you repressing your feelings so hard? Too many questions, damn!

He knew you liked him, he knew it, he felt it, he saw it and most of all he had heard it from your own mouth. Your words kind of hurt him but Jungkook only nodded, brushing his drenched hair in the back and you discovered his furrowed eyebrows that gave his gaze something almost scary.

“You didn’t ask about it and I wasn’t going to tell you in hopes you’d be the one to at some point, but you told me you loved me that night, Y/N” he unexpectedly added in a rush, his eyes sending darts right through your skull, but it wasn’t anything compared to the sensation of a knife planting itself in your heart right now.

What had he just said? Why didn’t you remember any of that? Why would you say that?!

“Stop lying because you’re frustrated” you tried in a lower voice, scared that Mingyu would show up at any moment and you clearly didn’t want him to hear that.

Your best friend chuckled but you caught the sad look on his face when he did, and another knife cut your heart. Your fears of losing him and worsening the relationship were finally coming to life, weren’t they?

“Did you really think I’d try this hard if I knew it was game over? You told me those words Y/N, so unless you deny them right here right now into my face, I’ll believe in them and I’ll keep on coming to you. So, what do you say?”

That punchline was the sparkle that made the time-bomb your heart was explode into your chest. He still had a smile on his lips but you recognized it as a sarcastic one, surely because you were leaving him so frustrated. But you were already frustrating yourself. Your throat had become so tight and your tongue had paralyzed into your mouth, so you couldn’t answer. You couldn’t lie to Jeon Jungkook. You weren’t telling him, but your silence was in fact telling him so much. And you hated that. You hated that you were being so weak. You couldn’t be that weak.

“I-”

“Let’s go Y/N! I’m sorry for making you wait!” Mingyu suddenly came out of his room, and you only followed him to the door without looking at your best friend who you heard sighing.

Jungkook turned on his heels before disappearing in another room on the left, probably the bedroom of Mingyu’s roommate who couldn’t have invited another friend to sleep over yesterday, no.

Jungkook had felt it in his guts. He was jealous. Crazily jealous. Madly jealous. Overly jealous. To the point he had been about to throw his towel and embarrass the both of you indefinitely. He still felt guilty about what he had done a few days ago with his ex, and even if you had told him you didn’t mind it, Yugyeom’s words resounded into his ears and he could clearly guess he had hurt you in some way.

Indeed, he obviously had seen you were growing distant, your eyes fleeing his, your hands not kicking nor touching him anymore, your smiles disappearing as soon as they had come, your texts shorter than what they used to be. He felt so lost right now. You were his best friend, he was supposed to know you by heart, but shit, when it came to love, you became a whole mystery to him.

Whatever path he was trying to take, he always ended up with the wrong result to the complicated equation you were. Whatever strategy he was willing to pull, you always seemed a thousand steps ahead of him. Even a genius couldn’t beat your defense if a Golden boy was failing.

What had you been about to say? Yes or no? Why did he felt like you were leaving him hanging? What were you waiting for if he was that unbearable? Was there any hope? So. Many. Questions.

Jungkook quickly dressed up before landing on his friend’s mattress – who was still sleeping soundly – and he finally started to have the same fears as you had had to begin with, the ones of being wrong about your feelings, the ones of losing everything, the ones of never being able to put every piece right into its place once he’d break your walls.

Oh god, you were so frustrating. And the more you were, the more Jungkook was tending to act without thinking twice, only wishing you’d show something, you’d say something, you’d blow up. You. Were. So. Frustrating.

But if Jeon Jungkook didn’t go well with losing while it matched with being bold, right now he was considering asking you those numerous questions before they would mess up his mind and your friendship. Step 4…  

   To be continued…

    A/N : I wrote, rewrote and rerewrote this part omg I hope you liked it too. Part 0.9 is out tomorrow! I can’t wait to publish it I think it’s my personal favorite…

[nowonderyouhavedemons]

All evens!

WOW I’m getting to this so fucking late I’m sorry I forgot to do this my entire day off so now I’m doing this at like midnight and I’ll post it tomorrow afternoon or something during my break

also thank you Allie once again for letting me ramble about my dumb self~

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

Maybe a 3 or so? I think it depends on if I’m familiar with the environment I’m in or not, and if the darkness is something planned. I don’t mind walking around my home in the dark in the middle of the night, but I’d be less okay with the dark if it was due to a blackout at home.

Probably shoots up to 4 or 5 when I’m in unfamiliar places. This includes haunted houses in amusement parks. I’m a huge baby I just try to hide it

4. What is your favorite word?

God, there’s so many good ones. I really like the word “dawn”. “Smorgasboard” is good too. Also “succinct” and “bracket.” Those words just feel fun to say for me!

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

“god why does my facial hair grow back so fast?”

it doesn’t really, but I like being clean shaven and I swear it grows to the point of being noticeable within 3 - 4 days and it’s really annoying.

8. What do you label yourself as?

A bunch of stuff, really! Male, straight, raver, diabetic, dropout, all that sort of stuff. Depends on the context we’re talking about too because this question feels super broad.

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

I think I was in bed getting comfy to go to sleep. I got called into work that day and I was exhausted when I got home. Basically ate some food and watching a single youtube video and went to sleep.

12. Who told you they loved you last?

Think it was my friend/coworker actually. Pretty sure she was playfully jabbing at me and roasting me. I agreed with her (because I either completely agree unless I have something wittier to reply with) and I think she was all “Ahhh, you know I love you.”

Having a good relationship with your coworkers is nice~

14. What is your current desktop picture?

Right now, it’s the Dishonored 2 main screen! I actually use Wallpaper Engine from Steam which lets you use videos and animated loops as desktop wallpapers, so I have about 50+ on rotation right now that get switched out every hour.

16. The last song you listened to?

CA$H by Barely Alive!

MAKE THE SPEAKERS *VIIIIIBbBRrAaAaAaTtEe*

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

The guy who was with his girlfriend as one of my customers yesterday when I got called in.

Listen asshole, the first thing I told you when you came up other than my “hi” was that we were out of slushies. We couldn’t make slushies. We refilled all the mix. What do you do? Ask me “what about the blue raspberry?”

“No sir, I apologize, but we’re out of slushies.”

“What about the lemonade?”

“Sir, like I just said, we’re out of slushie mix.”

“So you’re completely out of slushies?”

“Yes sir, that’s what I just said.”

and then when I gave you your change, you YANKED the bill out of my hand.

Like listen you fucking ignorant shit, you can’t be mad at me after I tried being polite multiple times and warned you multiple times and then get frustrated with you because you kept asking inane stupid fucking questions holding up my line of 20 OTHER CUSTOMERS

I hope that guy tripped later on that day and ate shit. God that pissed me off.

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

Shit. I honestly hate my body in general. I guess my eyes can be pretty nice sometimes, but the light has to be hitting me in the right way. My eys are dark brown so you can’t really see a whole lot. I’ve always wished I had a different eye colour.

That, and I’m pretty tall for a Filipino dude, I think. Taller ones are growing up in Toronto now, but a lot that I see still are like 5′6″ or shorter. Being 5′8″ ain’t too bad.

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

Not????? really???? I think? Like really anything that I could be remotely good at is already something I share publicly (which would be making music really but I haven’t even been doing that.)

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

Honestly, it’d just be the cold cut combo sandwich setup from Subway I always get except also with ham and a shit ton of bacon added, really. I get it cheese and toasted with Italians Herbs and Cheese, lettuce, tomato, red onions, cucumbers, mayo, and chipotle sauce.

I’m a simple man. The greatest sandwiches I ever have are from Subway because I never have sandwiches otherwise.

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

fucking nowhere I have work dude and I get no shifts during tourist off-season I’m working as much as I can while I can

for the sake of funsies, and I know it’d sound boring, but I’d either pick California/Los Angeles or Florida. I’m not in a rush to go overseas because I feel that’d require a lot more planning and possibly learning phrases in a new language. I have family in California and friends in Florida so I wouldn’t have to worry about being alone, the Canadian dollar is weak as shit compared to the USD so I could buy things on the cheap there, and it wouldn’t be as huge of a culture shock while still being new to me (because I barely explored California with my family the one time I went because we did VERY tourist-y things.)

Also portions. I fucking inhale food, dude. Give me those US portions for meals CHEAPER than here in Canada, holy god.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

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No littering. Fuck y’all, if I’m creating my own society, I’m not letting SAVAGES in that don’t know how to clean up after themselves and throw things out properly. We’re keeping it clean here.

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

It’s gotta be my laptop just because it’s the most expensive thing I own that I deeply care about. I could eventually afford another PS4, I don’t need a glamorous TV or anything, and I only upgraded to the iPhone 6 because my mom got a deal on it for $100. I could use that as an excuse to switch to Android.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

To avoid a cop-out and using California as an answer AGAIN, I think I’d really like a place in the Philippines. Not deep inner city though. Like, further away in the quieter cramped backalley houses like the one one of my aunts has there. I don’t want to be completely out in the country either.

I’d want to be able to get into the inner city relatively easily, and I want to really feel in tune with the background country more!

34. What was your last dream about?

Oh god, what was the last dream I even remember? I get so bad at remembering them now. OH NOW I REMEMBER PART OF ONE. I forgot most of it but I know at some point I ended up in the back of a large sorta hippie van? Like the back seats were removed and the back was all lined up tons of nice rugs and blankets and decorations. There were a few of my college classmates lying there with me and I was cuddling with one of them. That was a nice part of the dream I remember.

I don’t have dramatic or weird dreams. A lot of my dreams are just stuff like this. I’m really fucking romantically lonely I want physical intimacy ugggggggggggggggggh

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

Oh yeah, at least three times. I already have to visit a hospital fairly frequently for my diabetes. First time was when I was just diagnosed with T1 Diabetes, and the second and third times were when I was in danger of DKA because I wasn’t taking my insulin. Second time was worse than the third. My nurses weren’t happy both times though.

38. What is the color of your socks?

I’m not wearing socks right now! I don’t wear socks at home unless I find it cold.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

Sunsets, since I’m not a morning person. Both are pretty though!

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

Is this that newfangled Sportsball I always hear about? I’m not hip with the times yo, sorry.

No seriously I really don’t care about sports and the only ones I MIGHT care a tiny bit about are my local ones like the Blue Jays and Raptors, and that’s just out of a sense of Canadian/Torontonian pride more than anything.

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

lol whoops I dropped out

dream goal is still to be a music producer and DJ. If that doesn’t end up panning out, I’d still like to go into something involving music or audio engineering. Sound mixing for TV/movies maybe? Doing front-of-house mixing for concerts and raves would be cool too.

46. Are you reliable?

I like to think so, but I know I slip up a lot sometimes.

48. Do you hold grudges?

To be honest, yeah, I still do. I can be pretty fucking bitter about things from my past.

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

Not the MOST, but this just happened a couple weeks ago (and it wasn’t really a conversation but whatever)

A woman came up to me while I was on cash wanting to buy something. She was holding a Canadian $20 in her hand. She approaches me, looks at her bill confused, looks up at me again, and asks “Do you guys accept cash?”

Like???????????? nothing has ever taken me that far aback before????? like I don’t????? what??? the fuck like miss??????? miss we are an establishment that provides goods for currency??????????????? damn I HOPE we accept cash at this physical shop because we’d probably come across some issues with our customers

This happened weeks ago and I still bring it up to people. It still bewilders the fuck out of me. What would possess people to think a physical store would not accept cash? What has troubled you in the past that would lead you to think that this cashier and this till you walked up to would ONLY accept debit/credit cards? Holy fuck.

52. How long could you go without talking?

To another person physically? A good while, I think. Probably a week, two weeks tops. I’ve stayed inside my apartment for a week straight before and I swear I barely talked to my mom too.

If talking to myself counts, than maybe a couple hours. Maybe. I talk and make comments to/by myself a lot.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

God no. I’d probably be trash at baking stuff. I’m surprised I can manage some stuff on the stovetop.

56. What do you like on your toast?

Butter/margarine for the most part. I’m a simple person. I could say peanut butter and jelly too, but it’s actually been over a year or so since I’ve had a PB&J.

58. What would be you dream car?

One that worked, was fairly stable, and had a damn good audio system.

I’m not really a car person, I really wouldn’t give too much of a shit what the car was. Maybe not a pick-up truck or a mini-van though, and that’s really it.

60. Do you believe in aliens?

Not in the stereotypical image of “aliens”, but I definitely believe that the universe is too fucking huge and operates on too massive a scale for there to not be any type of intelligent life somewhere else at SOME place.

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

Either A or M. A’s probably my favourite vowel, and for some reason “LMNOP” is my favourite part of the classic Alphabet song, and M is the letter I like the best out of that section.

64. What do you think about babies?

Babies can be super cute and adorable sometimes! Other times though? Devil spawn. They can be double-edged swords sometimes.

[troubledwanderingspirit]

Me Too

October 15, 2015, it was a Thursday night. I was 21 years old.

We had hung out once or twice before this. These first times we hung out we drank a beer or two, watched movies, talked a little, kissed for the first time, and did some other messing around. I had also revealed to him that I was a virgin and made it clear that I had certain rules about losing my virginity, number 1 being I would only lose it to someone who was my boyfriend. Was this me trying to get him to commit to me, definitely not, I just wanted him to know he was not going to “go all the way” with me. He had just gotten out of a relationship and he just wanted company, I get it, and he made it clear I was not the only girl he was hanging with in an intimate sense, which I was okay with I enjoyed his friendship and company too.  We knew each other pretty well as we had worked together for quite some time, both managers and we were good work buddies, I had actually really enjoyed working with him. Did I have a crush on him? Yes. Had I ever put much thought into it or act on it? No because he had been in a pretty serious relationship for four years, until they broke up. It was messy break-up, it was hard on him, hence why he wanted company I guess. 

So we hang out again. He had left the company we worked for by this time. I had just started my period that day which I had admitted to him I was actually kind of bummed about because I had wanted to mess around more than just making out. Going all the way was still out of the question but I was still curious and willing to explore other bases, I had never experienced any of this (except for making out). Not a problem to him, let’s get in the shower, so we did. This should have been red fucking flag #1. I was fucking stupid, naive, and letting my emotions/attractions get the best of me. Red flag #2, he puts a condom on. “Just in case”, he says in response to the “what do you think you’re going to need that for” look I give him. We mess around in the shower, it was fun, everything was fine. We get out and move to the bed, still completely naked. He puts down a towel, red flag #3. What was I thinking during this? Well I probably shouldn’t kill the mood by going and putting on underwear and tampons and pads and shit right now, but I fucking should have. See you don’t need to victim blame, we can do that all by ourselves. We continue making out. “Do you want to?” “No, you know my rule” He tries to push it in the littlest bit. I put my hand on his chest and push him back a little. “How about just the tip, that doesn’t even count.” “No” “C’mon, if you don’t do this it’s gonna hurt so bad.” (Blue balls he was talking about). He pushed in, and again and again and again and so on. My hand still placed on his chest, no longer pushing. I gave up. Is giving up giving consent? The fucking answer is NO it is NOT fucking giving consent. Why didn’t I fight back, push him off, get dressed and just leave? It was something I would later on learn is called the freeze response. He finishes. I’m trying to process what just happened, (I wouldn’t really until about 2 months later). He gets up, “are you okay?” “Yeah, I’m fine, just breathless”, I try to joke. I need to get out of there. He sits up, starting to put on his clothes. “I’ll try not to feel too bad about that.” What he means by this I’m not exactly sure. I rush out of there, giving him the excuse it was way past my curfew. The second I get in my car I break down completely. I drive home around 2am on the freeway almost maxing out my car at 100mph, screaming “No” the whole way and crying. I still lived with my parents, so I get home and luckily get some sleep, having exhausted myself from the screaming and crying. I wake up. 

I would eventually come to realize that I had tried to convince myself it was fine. I wanted it, I put myself in that situation, it was fine, it was definitely not rape. But it was. Trying to falsify the real situation in my head was my first defense mechanism. I even texted him the next morning saying something like “I had fun last night, can’t wait to hang out again.” I told my friends. “It just happened” “It’s kind of a relief that I’m not a virgin anymore.” But it wasn’t. We did hang out again, and we did have sex again, that time consensual. Why? I’m not sure. I think I was trying to relive and re-take control of what had happened and continue my “its okay, I wanted this” fantasy. But it wasn’t. I could only try to hide and attempt to normalize for so long. About two months after, I faced the truth, I had been raped. But what now what? How could I have started singing a different song when I told myself and all my friends a completely different story. I never told my parents and never will, both for their sake and my own, I can only guess their reactions but I don’t think any of them would have been helpful to me. I did eventually try to tell some of my closer friends what had actually happened, but it’s hard to explain especially in person. Some listened and were there for me, some brushed it off, some didn’t seem to believe me or care. I knew this was something I would have to overcome and deal with somewhat on my own. And for the most part I have. I was fucked up before this happened, having been diagnosed with depression three years before. I had learned how to manage things for the most part, give or take a self harm relapse here and there.

So he eventually ends up in a relationship, also about two months later. They kind of have a rough start, she cheated on him early on. He texts me one day looking for some support. I go off on him, tell him not to talk to me, tell him how that night really was for me. His view or side of the story or whatever? “Oh I’m sorry if there was some miscommunication.” Miscommunication, LOL, sure you call it that if that’s what helps you sleep at night. That argument didn’t end well and we stopped talking. I of course unfollowed and unfriended him from all social media but it was impossible to completely distance myself given that many of my coworkers were and still are friends with him and boy does news travel fast in that workplace of any goings ons with anyone. That was some time in January 2016. Months later in the summer of 2016 he and the same girl who had cheated on him were still together. He texts me one night, saying he misses me and wished I was I there to cuddle with him. “Shouldn't your girlfriend be doing that?” I respond. I don’t hear back. I go off on him the next morning, and he apologized saying he felt ashamed and immediately turned off his phone after I called him out. He ends up marrying the girl, and apparently they are still together. Happy or not, don’t know don’t fucking care. I haven’t talked to him since. 

Unfortunately that doesn’t mean I haven’t seen him pop up on other co-workers/friend’s social media feeds every once in a while. He even tried to follow me on instagram about a month ago (thought I had you blocked already but we can take care of that now I guess). That night is something that I think about at least once every single day, and I wish that was an exaggeration. Most days I can push the thoughts, the memory, the flashbacks, the nightmares, the disorientation, the anxiety/panic attacks, away. Most days but not all. 

So why am I sharing this story now, years later? I don’t know. Some days it’s just really fucking hard to deal with. Especially when I’m so often reminded of it. With movements like #metoo, #whyididntreport, and the media exposing multiple sexual assault cases it’s hard to avoid the subject. Not that these movements are bad by any means but I’m sure I’m not the only one where sometimes it just reminds me of my own situation, something I don’t need reminding of. And I realize that my case is “minor” for lack of a better word and it could have been a lot worse, but it doesn’t change the fact that I had something taken from me that I can never get back and without my consent. 

There is hope though, this story isn’t completely without a happy ending. I have a small circle of really great and close friends. I have an amazing best friend who I’ve known for 16 years and honestly I don’t where I would be today without her. I have a boyfriend who has shown me the selfless love that I thought only existed on TV. I have a good family. I have excelled at all my jobs and in art school. I’ve had amazing experiences and adventures. I’m not completely tragic, even though I do feel like I am sometimes. I have my shit together, for the most part...

However, today was one of those days he popped up on my instagram feed in a friend’s post, two different posts from two different people actually. It’s not their fault, I don’t think they have any idea. But today was one of those days I couldn’t push the thoughts out of my mind, especially when I have so much time to think on my long drives to and from work, school, home, etc. I had always thought about posting my story here, where I remain anonymous for the most part. I’m not even sure how many of my few followers are still active. This could easily be a shout into the void but I had to shout somewhere, to get it out of me somehow. Did it help? Somewhat? I’m not sure. I just feel numb at the moment I guess, which is better than I was an hour ago crying on the way home from work? I don’t know, sometimes it’s just really fucking hard.