#my gift to myself is more exploration into self-indulgence

[snackugaki]

i have both insomnia and the impulse control of the local park’s naughty resident raccoon rummaging the park dumpster at 4am

also because I don’t think I’ll get this out for crissmiss and I need something to keep myself from combusting with self-indulgent giddiness

[disastrouslyyours]

Gentle

1400 words of me writing self indulgent fluff with my favorite husband. <3

no big cw apply, just domestic mushy gushy couple stuff and some implied suggestiveness

It was evident in the creases of his crow’s feet, the folds of his laugh lines, the dusty rose color on his cheeks and the tip of his nose. Yet so exceedingly stubborn, refusing to admit to the sensations my curious fingers caused him. He held his breath, digging deep to steel himself from the swirls I drew under his chin. Pressing a kiss to the same spot earned a soft sigh, one that could be interpreted any number of ways. He returns the sentiment with a kiss to my forehead. By wrapping his arms tighter around me he holds me closer, preventing any further exploration.

This was not the first time I had tested him while cuddling close after an evening together. Several times now had I been invited over to his home, several more has he been dragged up to my apartment. With the latter being the setting for this particular night, I felt emboldened by my home field advantage. While being squished up against him, I move my hands to rest on the back of his shoulders. Tracing around the outline of his shoulder blades results in a sharp inhale accompanied by his muscles constricting. He kisses the side of my neck, lingering just long enough to hear me giggle. I let him think he’s successfully distracted me, resting my hands on the small of his back. More slow, sweet, languid kisses follow the first one. I allow myself to laugh, almost as if to show him that it’s okay. He’s well aware that it is, greedily taking more of me as his fingers skitter up and down my sides. I melt into him, pliable beneath his hands, my lack of resistance a welcomed and familiar sign.

He always interrupts me in this way, flipping the script and turning the attention away from him. While I usually let him get away with his ploy, happy to bask in the affection he so readily offers, I’m not satisfied with this turn of events tonight. I’ve ruled out every other possibility for his reactions. It isn’t that Gray doesn’t want to be touched, for clearly he finds every excuse to be as close to me as possible. I can see his brain turn to mush whenever I play with his hair, curl around his arm, or even kiss his cheek. I swear that sometimes I even see steam come out of his ears, his eyes turning into little swirls as he malfunctions at my touch. It also isn’t that he’s experiencing pain, because he would just tell me if I hit a sore spot. He has a recurring knot in his shoulder, prone to wincing if he’s had a long day at work and likely to ask me to soothe the inflamed muscle. Therefore only one explanation exists for his reactions, one reason why he’d be so staunchly against drawing attention to himself.

I call him a handsome man, his favorite title, and he hums as I kiss the center of his throat. The subtle yet deliberate tilt of his head allows me to continue to lull him into a false sense of security, indulging him with more kisses down towards his collarbone. His skin is always so strangely cool, so much so that when I remove my hand from the small of his back I can feel the resonating heat I’ve transferred from my palms. His hands have settled against me, his thumb gingerly rubbing against my side in a soothing manner. I build up his trust again by keeping my hand as still as possible, kissing my way back up until I find his lips. Lips that, despite the rest of his body being a frigid landscape, are always warm. Maybe because he can rarely keep them off of me when we’re together like this. I let myself get lost in them for a moment, but make sure not to lose my goal. After a few more moments, once he’s relaxed completely, I seek the confirmation I need.

Three gentle squeezes to the soft muscle of his stomach is all it takes, three curls of my fingers grants me the greatest gift. Gray laughs, his lips parting between mine to let the sound bubble out. His hand immediately holds mine hostage, removing it from his person.

“You’re ticklish, Mr. Sterling.”

“Catherine.” He interrupts, squeezing my hand and ignoring the slight crack in his voice. “Do not.”

“Do not what?” I don’t wait for a reply, my free hand sneaking its way to his side to gently knead against it. Another laugh rises to the surface from his lungs, but he’s quick to steel himself again. He now holds both of my hands in one of his, sternly putting an end to my antics.

“No.” Is all he says, then presses an apologetic kiss to my forehead. I pout, crestfallen by his cold response. It didn’t feel right, he seemed to be hiding something, but what did I know? After having known each other for almost a year by now, there was still so much mystery to the man lying next to me. He sighs and releases hands, tilting my chin up so that I’d meet his gaze.

“Darling…” He runs his thumb along my cheek, and I lean against his hand. “… please don’t look so sad.”

I frown up at him. “You’re not being fair, Gray. You do this to me all the time.”

“That’s different.”

“How?” He doesn’t answer, but he does blush a soft pink color. “Literally how? It’s not like it’s a bad thing… I happen to think it’s cute.”

Several emotions flash across his soft gray eyes as they search my own. His silence unnerves me, makes my heart race anxiously.

“Maybe more than cute, if I’m being honest.”

My throat dries up as he continues to just look at me. He kisses me, but his pensive expression stays on his face. He drops my hands and my gaze. I want to give him space, respect his need to think, but I’m impatient.

“Look, if you don’t tell me what’s going on in that enigmatic mind of yours, I’ll coax it out of you.” I curl my fingers under his chin and he frowns.

“Catherine.”

I’ve never heard him say my name in such an icy way before. He’s issued it as a warning, sure, but those three syllables have always been warm and gentle underneath his stern facade. He sounds exasperated, frustrated even, and I stay silent. I fold my arms across my chest and inch back slightly, creating physical space between us. His expression turns to one of panic as he assess the distance between us.

“Darling, please…” He whispers, pulling me closer to him again and resting his chin on my head. “Please… just be gentle.”

I take a full beat to process his words. His fingers stroke my hair, slowly and methodically, as if to soothe the both of us. My heart leaps into my throat and I try not to sound too hopeful with my reply.

“Gentle…? As in… you’re good as long as I’m gentle?”

He kisses the top of my head and whispers in the affirmative. “Gentle.”

That single word strikes a match, promptly tossing it into the vat of gasoline pooling in my heart. I trail a single finger across his stomach and he shivers.

“Like this?” I murmur against his neck, and I can feel the way he holds his laughter in his throat.

“Be nice.” His words are shaky, almost breathless.

“I’m always nice to you, Gray Sterling.”

It takes another moment of exploration, but once all five fingers have made contact with his skin, Gray is giggling against my hair. The sound nearly makes my heart burst, and I maintain a slow, gentle pace to keep my promise to be gentle. I kiss under his chin and he hiccups, my heart nearly stopping entirely. With my fingers still moving, and even my opposite hand joining in, I test to see if he’ll let me keep kissing him there. The results of which yield a melting, pliable man in my arms, his lack of resistance unfamiliar yet very, very welcomed.

[natsmagi]

can i ask about your au out of curiosity

SURE!!! though tbh the au isnt really something fully-fledged, its mostly just something me n my friend talk abt and we make things up as we go, so alot of stuff is up in the air and out of order plus the entire thing is 100% self-indulgent and for our own silly little amusements AKJDSHKJFH

BUT A GENERAL OVERVIEW!

this is my witch!natsume x sea creature!tsumugi au! the world consists primarily of 4 different populations: celestial witches, mermaids, ghosts and vampires. i DO kinda want there to be humans aswell bc i want eichi to be some sort of "monster" hunter but id be getting way ahead of myself and god knows we are not working with actual plotlines here ASHKFJHJK how i imagine it is the celestial witches do, ofc, reside in space (aka the moon in this mainly), the mermaids, ofc, reside in the ocean, the ghosts roam the earth while the vampires roam the underworld. natsume is watarus understudy! and wataru had taken her to earth where she could begin her studies and hone her magic abilities! tsumugi on the other hand is a far less "conventual" mermaid.... hence the sea creature label, and she basically grew up completely alone in the depths of the ocean as the more stereotypical mermaids lived closer to the surface. though, whenever tsumugi would swim up to the surface, it would be in secluded areas and she would just stay there and look at the moon for comfort the way they met was by pure chance as natsume had decided to be a SMIDGE rebellious and go look for a specific kind of magical crystals that can only be found in underwater caves completely on her own. and by pure coincidence the cave natsume had gone to check out was one where tsumugi would hide out at most of the time! and they were both fascinated by each other bc they'd never seen someone like that before, completely awestruck. natsume, while a bit afraid, decided to put a crescent moon pendant she had onto tsumugi. this pendant has a little magic gem attached to it, and natsume can use that to keep an eye on tsumugi because she thought she could probably use this little sea creature to get her hands on MORE of those crystals she was looking for. tsumugi, on the other hand, was shocked to have received such a beautiful gift from someone (though it really wasnt a gift, but she took it that way AKJHSFJKH). since no one had ever shown her such kindness, and she'd always been alone, she naturally wanted to return the favor!!! the two hadnt really communicated (as they couldnt tbh) but despite that tsumugi would continue to bring natsume random gifts she would find, WHICH INCLUDES CRYSTALS!! but also. dead fish for her to eat. SHES TRYING anyway this is already getting long so ill hurry up; the two would continue to grow closer and natsume would start growing a bit attached and help tsumugi out a little, such as making her a pair of glasses bc she'd noticed her poor eyesight, giving her the ability to understand and communicate w natsume through magic, and trying to give tsumugi human legs so she could explore the dry world (but this spell would be very hard to do right :[ ) she wanted to give tsumugi legs so she could enjoy the moon festival which would be happening soon! etc etc theres more little tidbits but this is the general overview. sora is natsumes friend that joins her and wataru in their studies sometimes but shes also a lil shapeshifter who enjoys going for a swim in the ocean sometimes and, coincidentally, befriended tsumugi aswell!! sora is a shooting star witch, and her shooting star had landed her in the ocean, which is why she likes to spend time there and learned such a spell!

this drawing takes place when wataru was first catching on to natsume spending a Suspicious amount of time off on her own, and would constantly be bringing little trinkets with her........ and this drawing takes place when wataru and sora decided they kinda wanted to help the two girls out bc some DRAMA had happened after the festival. aka usual ntmg misunderstandings. Wouldnt be them without it. so sora asked wataru to make a better transformation elixir and now theyre roasting marshmallows by the fire outside their house and things are well again ❤️ (it was more complicated than that tho but yea)

[thunder-shadow]

The new fic you wrote was really great! I’m glad someone finally explored the aftermath of the dinosaur extinction. The angst was delicious! It was so nice of Uranus to draw for him as a gift so he doesn’t forget his life forms.

And I find the headcanon of Earth being able to go down on his surface to be cool. I wonder when he goes down on his surface can he take the other Celestial bodies with him, or is it a one way thing where his the only one who can go?

I think It would be interesting to see the adventures Earth has when he goes down on his surface. If you ever do wanna explore that in your future fics, I’d definitely read it.

Anyways, great fic as always, do take care of yourself and drink lots of water. I love the constant drop of a new fic or chapter- but don’t overwork yourself to much, and take rest if you need to. Looking forward to the next ideas you’re coming up with! Bye <3

Finally answering this! Sorry for the long wait 😭

I'm glad you liked it <3 I also like the idea of planets being able to go down to their surfaces (well, if they have one, so that rules out the gas giants immediately) but Earth is the only one who really does it often... for obvious reasons LOL

Earth can bring others on his surface just bc that provides so much more opportunities! The fic I'm currently working on is basically a self-indulgent chance for me to write something fun and it involves Earth bringing the others down to his surface :)

...I must admit, due to my ADHD i literally never drink water it's a literal health issue LOL i probably drink water like once every two days (im a soda afficiando I KNOWWW) I also overwork myself way too often bc i can't identify limits!!! ooops!!!

but thank u for the ask, anon!! i rlly appreciate it :D

[blessphemy]

✨ Fic Writing Review 2023 ✨

thanks for the tag @non-plutonian-druid!

the actual format of this game is this post but i rearranged it a bit so that i could hide my extremely long list of fics under a cut

Fandom fic events 2023

Murderbot Diaries New Year Gift Exchange

Yuletide Draft Dodgers

Murderbot AUpril Collection (open and accepts submissions)

2023 Aspec Murderbot Diaries

2023 PresAugust

We Were It // It Will Be Us: A TMBD Art Exhibition (open and accepts submissions)

Botober 2023

Upcoming 2024

Events:

i'm doing the Murderbot Diaries New Year Gift Exchange (2024) :3

Perhaps i'll post something for the annual 3/3 for Three collection idk (this collection is open and accepts submissions, and it spikes on March 3rd of each year)

WIPs:

Gift exchange fic

Absolute monster of a nullverse!network effect AU fic. i'm trying so hard to get draft 1 of this beast finished it's been beating my ass for over a year but i'm gonna Get It

Continue Via Solitude updates.

a 5+1 ASR bad ends fic that explores some meta shit. namely trust, forgiveness, and sci-fi horror genre vs canon.

Words and fics 2023

let's find out just how cringe (fun) i've been on ao3. i'm like. jeebus creebus i've posted a lot this year huh.

105,486 words of fan fiction. all of it murderbot. let's look at them going right down the statistics page (default sorted by hits, tho it gets kind of messy at the end with and i got lazy):

30,336 words of Via Solitude, an All Systems Red AU where murderbot has to do wilderness survival.

~5k words that's just a repost of Threat As Greeting, except with fresh interactive CSS effects.

3,346 words top 3 SURPRISING things you didn't know about the SECUNIT who pulled you out of an INCINERATOR (2023 gift exchange) outsider POV from the characters featured in Wells' pre-canon short story

1,502 words Aspec Drabbles (for the Aspec Murderbot Diaries event) it lot of fun to work with strict 100-word drabbles.

13,837 words References NULL: Logs From Project Murderbot [nullverse] the most purely concentrated angst/whump from the nullverse series yet. handle with care or skip it.

6,552 words How To Go On A Camping Trip - a guide for anxious SecUnits who are bad at vacationing (2023 gift exchange) i really liked this one tbh. fun standalone.

2,488 words Improve Your Baby AI With This One Weird Trick! (2023 gift exchange) my personal fic-titling theme for the gift exchange was "clickbait."

7,875 Alien Refuge (AUpril inspired) This is a Homestuck crossover, and reportedly the first time multiple people willingly interacted with homestuck-affiliated content, and they liked it. gottem. it's also pretty good, i did a nice job injecting homestuckism tone into the murderbot narrative style If I Do Say So Myself.

911 words No Comment: Shut Up And Dance [nullverse] fluff and humor. tfw your secunit friend (murderbot) is crashing in your living room and you (dr. ratthi) have insomnia.

2,922 words MetaMorphoSys (AUpril inspired) listen i NEED the next big fandom trend to be an AU world where people metamorphose inside cocoons. hear me out. HEAR ME OUT. in this fic we take the fridge horror of canon murderbot diaries and make it visceral, wet, biological, and ethically Even Worse. get yr Amena emotions also.

0 words SecUnit Technician Bingo Card it's funny. idk.

3,438 words nullverse reference sheet [nullverse bonus content] self indulgent AU notes

2,290 words Systems: Splorch [nullverse bonus content] a friend of mine said "how long until we get a fic with #oviposition in the murderbot diaries ao3?" i took the answer to that question into my own two capable hands at 7.5 hours. you're welcome.

2,562 words Artifacts NULL: Fire Festival [nullverse] slice-of-life friend times with nostalgia vibes. how far we've come.jpg.

388 words Entries shared by the Society for Conservation of Feed Artifacts (SCFA) (created for TMBD in-universe robot art gallery, which is an open collection that accepts any submissions!) wait this reminds me i have one more to post. i'll get to it.

9,314 words in 31 fics written for (Botober 2023) daily prompts. turned out to be a fun exercise and exploration of bot culture tho it took me longer than the month of october to finish.

4 fanarts of fics that i liked.

26 fanbindings where i printed out and made booklets out of fics that i liked.

2 translations.

3,080 words Refrain [nullverse bonus content] if you're unfamiliar with my Brand this will sound unhinged. if you are familiar with my Brand you know by now that i have a knack for taking literally Anything and treating it with tender loving care and unexpected deft so this doesn't even surprise you. tl;dr it's porn of two bots having a deeply OSHA-unapproved Fuck Session, there's no genitals involved, and it's tagged #Vivisection. it's pretty good if you're into robots and perhaps mild gore.

Rules & Tags for this game

Rules: Feel free to show whatever stats you have. Only want to show Ao3 stats? Rock on. Want to include some quantitative info instead of stats? Please do this. Want to change how yours is presented? Absolutely do that. Would rather eat glass than do this? Please don’t eat glass, just keep on scrolling.

@fishdetective @beatrice-otter @snugglyeldritchjellyfish @ilovedthestars and anyone who feels like it

[pippinoftheshire]

AO3 Wrapped [Writers Edition]

(Found this on Tumblr somewhere obscure so...)

How many words have you written this year?

How many works did you publish this year?

What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

What work of yours has the most hits?

What work of yours got more feedback than you expected?

Favorite title you used

If you use song lyrics, which artist’s songs did you pull from the most?

Pairing you wrote the most for this year?

Favorite pairing you wrote for this year?

What work was the quickest to write?

What work took you the longest to write?

How many WIP’s do you have in your docs for next year?

What’s your longest work of the year?

What’s your shortest work of the year?

What WIP are you taking into next year with you?

What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag?

Your Favorite character to write this year?

The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

What’s one pairing you want to explore next year?

Which work of yours have you reread the most?

How many kudos in total did you get this year?

Which work has the most comments?

Did you do any collaborative works this year?

Did you write any gifts this year?

Did you receive any gifts this year?

What’s your most common category?

What do you listen to while writing?

Favorite work you wrote this year?

Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

Biggest surprise while writing this year

------------------------------------

I Don't know why I decided to torture myself by doing this but here we go:

1. 150,849

2. 52

3. And They Call It Salvation (TMFU/Unfinished)

4. House Telcontar (LoTR)

5. Oh… either my series The Fallout (Mission: Impossible), which was more of a self-indulgent thing tbh; or my long running Witcher fic, On the Streets Of Novigrad.

6. And Our Love Shall Be Like The Stars (TMFU)

7. The only times I have uses song lyrics (This being twice, and only for Good Omens fics) were The Velvet Underground and Lauren Aquilina.

8. Napoleon Solo/Illya Kuryakin (Sometimes Gaby joins this tag). Second place goes to Ethan Hunt/August Walker. By ONE FIC!

9. Crowley/Aziraphale (Good Omens)

10. Scales and Secrets (TMFU) I think it took me two hours.

11. The Finer Act of Kindness (The Witcher.) Though there are a few others who come a close second…

12. about six or seven 😊

13. On The Streets of Novigrad (Witcher)  By a long shot.

14. If I Could Turn Back The Time (TMFU). At 588 words.

15. And They Call It Salvation (TMFU), Narnin O in Duath O Ernil (Middle-Earth) and On The Streets Of Novigrad (Witcher)

16. Napoleon Solo is a Little Shit. (Thank you, Writing GOD!!!)

17. Oh darn… tough one… Either Crowley or Illya/Napoleon…

18. Bruce Wayne. By far.

19. I’d like to do more Aziraphale/Crowley next year, but also to try and get back into Sherlock/John.

20. Eughhhh that’s an embarrassing question! …It would be, I Can’t Not Love You (TMFU)

21. 1,530

22. On The Streets of Novigrad (Witcher)

23. No, sadly 😊 But it’s on the Bucket List hehe

24. I did indeed! 4 of them!

25. No. Unless Kudos and Lovely comments count- I got plenty of those <3

26. Like Fandom? I’m confused. If it’s fandom then it’s Man From UNCLE 2015…

27. Dear lord- I have far too many playlists on Spotify- tailor made for almost every fic… So uh… Music?

28. At the moment it’s either We All Have Our Shadows (BvS), or Scales and Secrets (TMFU)

29. Blarghhhh why are these questions so HARD???

llya does too, but he is far from willing to offer that up. Now, in the stillness, Illya takes his first uninterrupted look at the man he has been looming over. The dark curls mattered with sweat and blood… eyes the color of a summer sky… O’ bozhe but Illya misses the sky… the way it would unspool in an endless ribbon over the city. In his memory, the buildings are untarnished, the clouds drifting on a slight breeze as a little boy runs amongst the leaves in a park, blond hair shining in the sunlight. Nothing has hurt him yet. Perhaps nothing ever will… if Illya does not blink.

30. Probably just how kind everyone is. The fandoms I belong to- especially The Man From UNCLE one- are just such wonderful people <3

[givereadersahug]

ten books to get to know me

Thanks for the tag @danpuff-ao3

tagging - @yletylyf @liladiurne @aquaflora17 @maraudersaffair @anti-bright-places@consistentsquash...sorry if you been tagged/done this before. I lost track on who have done this. 😂 And as a bookworm, I must know your picks. *sips tea* And anyone who is reading this! I want to know! My TBR pile is never too long!

Harry Potter

I mean, this has to be first on the list, right? Even before I got into the fandom back in 2018, this book series was my life. And, no, not because of JKR. I don’t associate the book series with her. I associate this book series with my step-father. He just randomly saw the first book at the airport gift shop, bought it, and read it to me on the flight home. The proceeding years as each book got released, we would dress up and attend the book launch parties. He let kid!me indulge in my passion and let me rave about my favorite characters and potential outcomes on how Harry might defeat Lord Voldemort. (Fun Fact! I knew since book three that Severus Snape was more than he let on and I knew in my heart that he would help Harry defeat the Dark Lord. Idk why my seven-years old self thought that, but I held on! And I was vindicated! lol)  He passed away a few years after the last book came out and I couldn’t bring myself to read the series for a long while. I’m glad I made my way back to Harry Potter, though. I finally got the courage to step into the fandom space (which was so intimidating to me back when I was a kid) and I met so many great, loving, wholesome people here who also love the books and the characters as much as I do. 

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."

Phantom Tollbooth 

This is a fucking classic. The wordplay, the adventure, the illustrations. Did I mention the wordplay? 

“Just because you have a choice, it doesn’t mean that any of them has to be right.”

Mushishi 

Not a book, but a manga series. It is ethereal and thought provoking and simplistic and imaginative. In a society where things go lightning fast, this story asks you to slow down, take a look around, and appreciate what you have. It’s melancholy and not every story has a happy ending. The pull and push of us living alongside nature and us manipulating it and nature having the last laugh. Our relationship with our friends and our families and with others. It’s just *chef’s kiss* a great manga series to absorb yourself into. Don’t forget to check out the anime! 

Chime 

This Franny Billingsley book came onto my radar cause of a mix-up with another book for some award. (They had to ask the other author to voluntarily pull her book, because the rules didn’t allow the committee to do it themselves. Which sucks for both authors involved, imo.) It’s basically a story of the aftermath of the wicked step-mother’s evil doings. And, wow. The narrative structure of this book, the twists and turns, the exploration of themes, the undercurrent of feminist progressive charge, and the ending! I re-read this book each year. I love it to bits. 

“If you say a word, it leaps out and becomes the truth. I love you. I believe it. I believe I am loveable. How can something as fragile as a word build a whole world?"

The Lie Tree

FRANCES HARDINGE! She’s my inspiration. Have you read her books???? They are dark and twisted and unexpected and go to places you don’t expect them to go. I don’t even know why her books are classified as children's literature. It is so much more than children lit. They elevated the genre. The books are surreal, and expansive and strange and wholly, unequivocally original. The Lie Tree is the first book I read from her, and I wasn’t even sure why I picked it up. But I am so glad I did. 

“Large people tend to have large heads. Men are no cleverer than we are, Miss Sunderly. Just taller.”

Ghostwritten 

Okay, I don’t need to explain who David Mitchell is, right? Writer of Cloud Atlas? The Bone Clocks? The Thousand Autumns of Jacob de Zoet? I remember picking up Ghostwritten when I was way too young to be reading Ghostwritten and way too young to understand the nuances. But! His writing style! It was unlike anything I read at the time. (And still is.) He’s not afraid to step out of the box – narratively and structurally - and I can only dream of writing something as complex and unique and weird like his stories. 

“I added 'writers' to my list of people not to trust. They make everything up.”

The Tightrope Walkers 

I have no words. Just go read it. I just know that when I first read it, I could not read a single thing for months afterwards. This book *stayed* with me. It was raw and beautiful and heartbreaking. 

An Invisible Sign of My Own

I’m a sucker for magical realism and this book hit all the right spots. Aimee Bender’s use of language – the fluidity, the simplicity, the sharpness – it drew me in. The story is like a fairy tale for adults, if I have to describe the vibe of it. The film adaptation did not do the book justice. Give it a try. 

“It is all about numbers. It is all about sequence. It's the mathematical logic of being alive. If everything kept to its normal progression, we would live with the sadness--cry and then walk--but what really breaks us cleanest are the losses that happen out of order.”

Saffy’s Angel

This is the first book of Hilary McKay’s Casson Family series. The whole series is a comfort read. One I re-read often as a child. The family is so eccentric and loving and chaotic. And Hilary explored dark themes in this children series – bullying, infidelity, disability. But it is also hilarious and fun and compelling. I wish I owned all the books, but sadly they are out of print at the moment. 

What Did You Eat Yesterday? 

Another manga series! This is about two middle-aged Japanese gay men living in Tokyo. That’s it. It’s a slice of life series and *actually* explores how queer couples live in Japan. Don’t go into this expecting all the BL tropes. Other than them being gay, it’s just them being them and how they navigate being a couple heading into their senior years and worrying about taking care of their aging parents, about saving money, about keeping up with their friends. It’s just wholesome and real.

[bg-sparrow]

Fic Author Self-Rec

Share five of your personal favorite works, then tag five authors to do the same. Thanks, @penny-anna for the tag!

(I'm gonna stick to the Back to the Future fandom on this one since that's the majority of my audience here on Tumblr.)

Once Upon a Time in the East (OUAT #2)

Marty and Buford follow their mutual enemy across the country to get back Tannen's fortune, forever changing the trajectory of Marty's life. A ruthless, all-or-nothing world of wealth, deception, indulgence, and blackmail brings Marty to his knees once more, and this time, he's not sure he'll make it out alive.

Once Upon a Time in the West was pretty amazing, but I really do think I topped it with the sequel. I took a lot of personal leaps in my writing with this one, and it paid off. I'm a more confident writer now because of this one.

2. Now I Am Become Death

In 1943, a restless professor of physics at CalTech rejoiced when recruited to work on the top-secret Manhattan Project. Dr. Emmett Brown's contributions at Los Alamos would not only further science, but finally end the deadliest war in history — but at what cost?

As a World War II/ history buff, getting to expand on this part of Doc's backstory — and introduce Marty in a way I never have before — really all came together beautifully in this one. I've got elements of the movies, the comics, and the ride blended together in this work, and I'm really proud of how it turned out.

3. A Fracture in the Space-time Continuum

Learning Doc is stranded in the Old West, Marty makes a break for the clocktower — and gets his leg broken by an enraged Biff that escaped the manure truck at the River Road Tunnel. Marty did not plan on spending another six weeks in 1955.

I patiently waited for the perfect title for "Broken Leg Marty" to come to me because this one was special all-around, so its title had to be, too. Letting Marty and Doc believably have this time together during canon was a great "alternate ending" to Part II, and it still lets the events of Part III unfold without much interference.

4. There Are No Roads (Time Circuits #2.5)

Time Circuits Series #2.5 - When the DeLorean comes to a standstill in 1885, Doc is at a crossroads. All of his efforts to return to the life he knows unexpectedly drive him into the embrace of a young Hill Valley, but Marty and Emma need him now more than ever.

This was an unexpected story in my Time Circuits Series. It was meant to be a 10K filler for Doc's time in 1885 before Marty showed up, and there was apparently a lot more story to tell than I anticipated — in the best ways. I got to explore original ideas that fit snugly into canon. I fell in love with writing Buford Tannen in this story. This is personally the one I find myself rereading the most, and while I wrote the series to where people could skip this story if they chose to jump right from Part II to Part III, I hope they don't because it enhances Part III so much. And Buford is delightfully evil in it.

5. The Manner of Giving

Five times Marty tried to give Doc a gift - and one time he succeeded.

This one was born of a Tumblr Ask Box prompt and the only 5+1 fic I've ever written. You would not believe how hard it is to think up five ways to unsuccessfully give someone a gift, especially when you know Doc and Marty are likely on "oh, just bring it with you next time" terms. This one challenged me and turned out great!

And there you have it! My five personal favorite BttF fics that I've written! Five peeps I'm gonna tag if you guys wanna toot your own horn: @daryfromthefuture, @bri-to-the-future, @fiddlstyx, @knickynoo, and @jowritesfanfiction

[violette-hue]

Hi and big congrats to 500+ followers, very well deserved!! I would love to get a match-up from you, I am in such a deep rabbit-hole in the hotd-fandom rn so needless to say hotd is where I want my match-up. BIG THANKS IN ADVANCE <3

Pronouns + Sexuality - She/her and i have a preference for men/masc people. Personality - I am an ENTJ, cancer sun, aries moon and cancer rising. I think I am a bit “hard on the outside, softie on the inside”. I am super ambitious, competitive, goal-driven and calculated in how I present myself. I live my life with a lot of passion for the things I do whether it be my work, hobbies or relationships. People often describe me as bold and outspoken at first, but I am in reality quite sensitive and self-conscious. I have no problem standing up to people and don’t hesitate to start a discussion/argument, I love it! But I tend to overthink it afterwards. I am very supporting, affectionate and loving to the people I am close with, I love to grow and to see the people around me grow. Likes - I love discussions and a witty back-and-forth conversations/mental sparring. I really like pushing myself to new levels, I work very hard in order to improve as well as the rewards/recognition you get. I also love to help others improve and reach their goals! My love language is physical touch but words of affirmation is a close second Dislikes - I dislike feeling stuck in a routine or to feel like I am not improving and moving forward. I am quick to boredom and dislike to just stay at home and “doing nothing”, it makes me feel impatient. Hobbies - I am a thrill-seeker and love to explore new things! On my spare-time I try to travel as much as possible to places I’ve never been, explore and learn about different cultures and people as well as trying a new activity, hiking trail or café. I want to try as much as I possibly can in my lifetime, even just once. I love to learn and read, I read everything from classics to non-fic to casual beach reads. Except traveling and cultures, I am also a sucker for the finer things in life lol, I love to learn and indulge in fine art, fine wine and fine dining!

Want a Match? Here’s the post!💕

I match you with Damon! Damon would have absolutely no problem taking you to the fanciest restaurants or stores (of course in a modern AU). He’d go above and beyond for your birthday, or really any occasion, and just dedicate it to you. The finest foods would be catered at the feast, and you would only ever drink the finest wine. He’d cloth you with the finest silks and linens and shower you with endless gifts. Gifts, especially like books. Damon also loves to read, and he tends to gift you books he also loves. Damon does tend to be a bit selfish, but he always puts you before him. Your boldness and outspokenness is one of his favorite things, and while he is very able—and willing—to defend you from anyone, he loves watching you snap like a viper even more. Of course when things get a little too heated, he steps in. He definitely teaches you High Valyrian. It’s just a must.

[car0cs]

jjk anon again with another question! so, with sasame and toji, why did they not work out? did he really love her or was mamaguro the One True Love of his life? do you think there's a chance they could have gotten back together? haha i hope this isn't too much; i never really got all the toji hype, but he is a really interesting character, and i'd like to know more about their relationship.

it's not a problem at all! i feel like the answer is a lot more complicated than just "yes" or "no".

toji gets a lot less screentime than geto and nanami do, and quite a lot happens with him in that little screentime he does have, so i feel like his relationship with sasame is sidelined in favor of everything else he does. BUT toji is a very important character to jujutsu kaisen as a whole. and in a similar way, in my canon, their relationship is important, too. like vital.

the way i see it, toji ran away from a place that never really wanted him or valued him to begin with, all because he was a non-sorcerer. so he basically goes "fuck this, i'm leaving, i'm making a new life for myself". and then he met sasame, who felt a pretty similar way; she's always felt a little bit different, a little bit like a misfit. she sees things that nobody else sees, is so fascinated by things that nobody else seems to care for. and that's something that really connects them. it makes them feel like they belong together. for once, sasame meets someone who doesn't seem all that put off by her, and he meets someone who seems to really like him, sorcerer or not; she's even fascinated by all his stories about the jujutsu world.

maybe i'm being a little self-indulgent here because i love sasame, but i do think toji loved her, too; his love for mamaguro doesn't negate that. sasame's love for him was very pure and unconditional at a time when he needed that, and she grounded him at a time when he was very lost and aimless, gave him some stability. also, she's beautiful, well-read, ambitious; he was taken by her, who wouldn't be? but also, sasame was pushing him to confront his past at a time when he wanted to forget about it all, which i think was the one true downfall of their relationship. whereas i imagine mamaguro was more, "you don't have to worry about that anymore, you have a new life here. i'm your home now." and i don't think one is worse than the other, but sasame's approach was not what he needed at the time. given the gift of hindsight, though, toji would recognize that she was right about not running away from his past.

obviously toji's dead so nothing can happen in canon, and with my characters i always try to be compliant with the canon lore. but i do imagine that, after mamaguro died, he did consider reaching out to her, but he didn't want to intrude on her life and instead fell into his own despair and grief, alone. i think they will always be each other's biggest "what if", if that makes sense. if they were able to be honest and open with each other, there's a really high chance they could have gotten back together. and if they had gotten back together after mamaguro's death, that would be a whole butterfly effect of things that just wouldn't happen in the canon because of that (he would have never married tsumiki's mom, never have taken the star plasma vessel job, et cetera). which would be a really interesting au to explore.

there's also no doubt in my mind that toji would have stayed with sasame if she had told him about her pregnancy. which has some crazy implications for the canon and that's exactly why sasame doesn't do it. she's selfless to a fault. always has been. again, toji is dead and the two never interact in the shibuya arc, so he never knows about his second daughter, never meets her. but in a world where he did meet inari, he'd probably fall in love with sasame even more. "you raised a great kid," he'd say. "i wish i'd gotten to know her."

sorry for the rant, but hopefully this answers your question! it's been a joy seeing you in my inbox. 😊😊😊😊

[msallingoodtime]

01 // Turning 30 (20th May- 26th May)

Hello, Tumblr, My Old Friend!

Here's a glimpse into the rollercoaster ride that was my week. Turning 30 was both a milestone and a moment of introspection. Despite the sting of a forgotten birthday from my boyfriend, my family swooped in with love, celebrations, and thoughtful gifts that reminded me of the love that surrounds me.

In the midst of relationship turmoil, I discovered the power of self-care. From joining the library to distract myself, to indulging in face masks and hair oiling, to focusing on personal growth, this week was about reclaiming my peace.

Academically, I hit a high note by completing Assignment 15, and despite the emotional upheaval, I managed to start working on Assignment 16. It's a reminder that no matter what, life goes on, and so must we.

A major highlight of the week was my dad receiving his ILR for the UK. A decade-long project finally bore fruit, and it was a moment of immense pride and joy for our family.

But life isn't just about the highs. The lows were there too. The silence from my boyfriend was deafening and the uncertainty of a pending job offer weighed heavily on my mind. I found solace in music, with songs that resonated with my emotions providing comfort.

This week, I learned a lot about resilience, about bouncing back, and most importantly, about not letting past experiences define me. I've shared some thoughts in my entries, and they serve as reminders to myself that I am more than the sum of my experiences.

__________________________________________________________

May 20, 2024: Turning 30 - I turned 30 today. It wasn't without its share of disappointments, with my boyfriend forgetting my milestone birthday. Yet, I found joy in the company of my family, with surprises, laughter, and a lot of self-reflection about my journey so far.

May 21, 2024: Seeking Distractions - Today, I joined a library to keep my mind occupied and away from the negativity. I lost my shit and texted him when the library "random" pin generator came as his birthdate. :) I mean what are the odds. I even started exploring new social interactions through a dating app.

May 22, 2024: Embracing Self-care - I dedicated today to self-care and recuperation, dealing with the aftermath of my relationship issues. Amidst the emotional turmoil, I managed to submit an assignment, a testament to my determination to keep moving forward. I was lowkey waiting for his message , maybe just a sorry , an attempt to try to fix things but nope. NOTHING AT ALL. it is RADIO SILENCE. And I am actually a bit sad it has come to this. But hey, at least now he as a reason to treat me like this 🙂I am mean when I am mad. And lowkey, I really hope he dies lol. I want to block him but then again what is the point he is not messaging me either ways 🙂 at least now I know zero efforts were taken. hurts to know but knowledge is virtue

May 23, 2024: Celebration Amidst Silence - Amidst the pain of continued silence, I celebrated my father's achievement of receiving his ILR for the UK. Despite the heartbreak, I acknowledged the joyous occasion and the significant change it brought to our family's life.. Below a picture of my mom being a proud gardener, and the lovely blooms from a seed that was planted last year

May 24, 2024: Moving On - I made a bold move today by deleting my boyfriend's number and focusing on my growth. I kept myself busy with activities like moving furniture in the attic and we worked on building a bed, which served as a good distraction. I also feel uncertain about my job application status, but until next week, we need to keep our positive pants on.

May 25, 2024: A Day of Self-Care - I continued my journey of self-improvement by engaging in self-care activities. Despite waiting for updates on my relationship and job interview, I managed to find peace in activities like watching movies and painting my nails.

May 26, 2024: My Self Respect > My Feelings > Your Ego

Songs I most relate to today:

You ruined everything good. Always said you were misunderstood. Made all my moments your own.Just fucking leave me alone

I don't relate to you. I don't relate to you, no'Cause I'd never treat me this shitty - Happier than ever // Billie Eillish ____

Well, good for you, you look happy and healthyNot me, if you ever cared to askGood for you, you're doing great out there without me, babyLike a damn sociopath!

I've lost my mind, I've spent the night crying on the floor of my bathroom. But you're so unaffected, I really don't get it.But I guess good for you

Maybe I'm too emotional. But your apathy is like a wound in salt. Maybe I'm too emotional. Or maybe you never cared at all - good 4 u//Olivia Rodrigo ____

What a shame, guess my lover was a snake Pretty little liar, whatcha gonna say? Tell me that you love me, lyin' to my face

When I cry myself to sleep I see you in my dreams, I can't breathe 'Bout to hyperventilate Hiding your phone when you're sleepin' Stayin' out late on the weekend Deep down, I knew you were cheatin' But I didn't wanna believe it I'm busy fighting my demons, you were so deceivin' Messin' with my feelings You were my Garden of Eden Now, I'm leaving - this is what heartbreak feels like //JVKE ----

Cause I've made some real big mistakes. But you make the worst one look fine

I used to think I was smart. But you made me look so naive. The way you sold me for parts. As you sunk your teeth into me, oh. Bloodsucker, Bleedin' me dry, like a goddamn vampire - vampire// olivia rodrigo

---- I think I'm losin' my mind now. It's in my head, darlin', I hope. That you'll be here when I need you the most. So don't let me, don't let me, don't let me down -Dont let me down by The Chainsmokers

Here's to another week of living, learning, and growing. Remember, it's okay to have bad days. It's okay to feel. And it's okay to take care of yourself. Until next week!

[simplysoaperior]

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[kiarawhiteportfolio]

Blog Post #9 — Revised Rationales

Eunoia Superfood Chocolate: Infusing Ancient Greek Philosophy into Mindful Indulgence

The Challenge 

Design a brand identity that reflects your values and personality. Create three packages for your product that communicate the benefits of your brand to your target audience. Ensure that the design of the packages are cohesive and visually appealing, and that they stand out on the shelves.

The Approach

I crafted the identity of ‘Eunoia,’ a Superfood Chocolate brand inspired by its Greek namesake, meaning ‘well mind; beautiful thinking.’ The brand revolves around the belief that what we consume internally reflects outwardly. Each chocolate bar is square-shaped, symbolizing balance, and individually wrapped to encourage mindful consumption.

What I Did

In designing Eunoia's packaging, I focused on three core values: environmental commitment, heritage, and innovation. I ensured the packaging seamlessly fits into boutique stores while still standing out in grocery stores through minimalist colours and typography. Hand-crafted illustrations and eco-friendly materials convey the handmade quality of the chocolates, with affirmations on the packaging reinforcing the brand's message.

In essence, Eunoia isn't just about chocolate; it's about promoting mindful nourishment and positivity, encouraging consumers to embrace a holistic well-being lifestyle.

Tools

Procreate, Adobe Photoshop, Adobe Illustrator

Vancouver Island Univesity: Embracing Island Charm with VIU’s Holiday Collection

The Challenge 

Design graphics for self-selected merchandise inspired by ugly Christmas sweater patterns using the Vancouver Island University branded colours. The design should appeal to students to wear themselves or give as gifts, since the merchandise will be sold in the VIU Bookstore on campus.

The Approach

I began my creative process by immersing myself in ugly Christmas sweater designs, meticulously sketching out my concepts on paper. While these designs traditionally overflow with intricate details, I opted for a more restrained approach, focusing on a limited colour palette and recurring patterns and symbols to avoid veering into tacky territory.

In order to resonate with VIU students, I went on a brainstorming journey, mapping out the essence of our campus community. From this exploration, I picked key elements such as orcas, waves, anchors, snowflakes, rabbits, and trees to feature prominently in the design.

What I did

I crafted the patterns and illustrations using small squares, arranging them to mimic the cozy, hand-knit texture reminiscent of traditional Christmas sweaters. For the final product, I opted for sweatshirts in neutral tones such as light grey and dark navy to evoke a timeless appeal. Additionally, I envisioned the design adorning a mug, adding an extra layer of coziness and VIU charm to any outfit.

Tools

Adobe Illustrator

Kid Sister: Reconnecting with Your Inner Child through Frozen Delights

The Challenge 

Design a print and email newsletter that communicates the brand identity effectively while engaging the audience. Ensure a cohesive visual experience across both mediums, maintaining clear and consistent branding elements. The newsletter should reflect the company’s values, tone, and aesthetic, while delivering valuable content across four sections.

The Approach 

I first conducted a brand analysis on Kid Sister, uncovering their mission to reawaken the inner child with seasonal organic ingredients sourced from family-owned farms. From this analysis, I created a moodboard to capture the essence of Kid Sister's warm and inviting branding, incorporating pale yellow, green, and orange hues and child-like illustrations.

What I Did

Illustrations were kept simple utlizing a monoline style, with four main typefaces incorporated, including a vintage baker-inspired font and a handwritten script. There are halftone texturized photographic visuals in a punchy pink and orange for a summer vibe, and quirky elements were added, such as gingham patterns, banners, and polaroids to enhance the brand's fun and carefree image. Despite the playful content, I still aimed to maintain clarity and consistency through carefully arranged layouts following a grid structure.

Tools

Adobe Illustrator, Adobe InDesign, Adobe Photoshop, Procreate

[stifledlaughterao3]

End of Year Fic Writing Bingo

This year was a pretty good one for fic! I think a key element of 2023 for writing was that I dug back into some WIPs that had been languishing and just sort of forced myself to finish them, even if they weren’t as perfect as I imagined they would be, or went in a different direction than I had originally intended. A lot of these, looking at the list, were gifts or inspired by prompts, which helps in having a firm deadline. I didn’t do my ‘write daily’ thing I did in 2020 and 2021, but I still wrote a lot, and initiated WIP hours with friends so that I would have a dedicated time to write. 

Fannishly I did a lot of other things this year too: 3 Fic Clique Ficlet episodes and a handful of podfics! They were really fun and I hope to do similar things next year. 

As you can see, I sadly did NOT make bingo (despite being so close SO many times) but hey, I tried! 

(Individual fic commentary below the cut)

something else entirely holds me in thrall (Pokemon)

“Everyone lives and nothing hurts” – I had started this fic due to re-playing Pokemon games from my childhood (Pokemon Crystal my beloved). It’s just my friends and I in the Pokemon world having idealized jobs with our Pokemon. I was encouraged internally to finish it so I could give it to one of the friends who had a character in the fic to help them through a hard time. So less “everyone lives” (all friends in it are alive!!) but “nothing hurts” definitely hits in this self-indulgent, really happy AU of our lives. 

shorn-off children like them (Call Me Chihiro (2023))

“If no one else will write it, I will” – so I watched the movie on a whim and it REALLY hit me where it hurts. So few movies get the ‘estranged child’ feelings well, and I saw a lot of myself in my mid-twenties with this character. So I wrote this because I just don’t see analysis of people in my situation in media, and I wanted to give her the character development I went through to end up in a happier place. 

The Archon is Too Sublime (原神 | Genshin Impact (Video Game))

“Thought of a great line” – I really liked the summary line of this fic, it sets the tone for the whole thing. I just honestly love writing irreverent, silly but sincere fics like this. 

beloved gem, plucked rose (原神 | Genshin Impact (Video Game))

“I was joking with my friend and then it happened” – shoutout to Purple for fucking around with “haha what if Tighnari accidentally became a cult leader and Cyno loved the idea of being a beautiful cult leader’s beloved” and it spiraled into one of my most popular fics of the year. 

it flows as the breaths inside the lungs (Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters)

“This is going to be SO hot” – My first fic in a new fandom is giving pharaohs heat cycles based on the Nile flooding?? Sure!! It was definitely one of my horniest fics I wrote this year, and I was very pleased by the result. 

ex situ by stifledlaughter (Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters)

“But what happens AFTER canon?” I quite liked Marik’s character when I first watched YGO– I related a ton to the ‘very bitter after religious abuse’ backstory he had, and I wanted to explore how he seemingly mellowed out a ton in the last season. 

Dragon-In-Wait (BNHA)

“Thought of a great scene” – so this was the prequel to one of my favorite fics I’ve ever written, Last Out the Winter. I started it in 2020 and sometime in early 2023 I was like “I have 40k down. I just need to slam out 10-20k more to finish it.” 40k later, I had finished it, and, amusingly, the “great scene” I had in mind from the beginning was slightly changed! But that’s what happens when you let a fic languish for 3 years. 

(space) riot when I'm with you (IT - Stephen King & Pride and Prejudice)

“It came to me in a dream” – While this was indeed a prompt from the Fic Clique podcast, the plot to it was a hazy contrivance of having read a LOT of Yu-Gi-Oh fanfic and wanting to explore the horror genre a bit more. It just sort of coalesced in my brain to the surprisingly coherent fic it turned out to be. 

A Timely Convergence of Melodies (new chapter) (Kuroko no Basuke)

“I just want them to kiss” – Ahhh, my fic that is the slowest to update of all time. I went 3 years in between updating this chapter and the last. Since each chapter focuses on a different couple reliving the same 5 or so hours, I do consider this mentally a ‘one shot’. This was another “omg just FINISH IT” fic I yanked out of my drafts and slammed out. It wasn’t what I originally wanted for it, but I’m glad it’s done all the same. 

A Handmade Scrapbook (new one-shot) ("Designation: Miracle" fandom, a Kuroko no Basuke AU)

“Fuck this character in particular” – I love Masaomi from Designation: Miracle with all of my heart but boy is it fun to Put That Man In Situations. Doing a SVSSS crossover with the OT4 appeals to the nichest audience of like 4 people on the planet who have read D:M and understand SVSSS but it was fun for ME to write and that’s what matters. 

deep in the night, I am looking for some(one) (2 new chapters) (Fanfic of the "Letter to the Headitor" AU for BNHA)

“I want this universe and those characters” – As always, my fanfics of the LTTH AU are my little bouncy house of humor and fun to roll around in. I went a little more serious with the most recent chapter, but it felt very earned after the other more lighthearted ones. LTTH will always be a fic that, in watching it update in real time, helped me through some real bad stuff and I will always write about it with joy in my heart. 

Untitled Fic Clique Episode (Fandom RPF & Untitled Goose Game (Video Game))

“Just to see if I could” – The SECOND I got the idea for this I yanked out my computer and slammed this out in approximately two hours. I was losing my gourd, possessed, feral with my goose teeth and wings. It is possibly the funniest thing I’ll ever write and I may have peaked but that’s okay. 

Game of the Scene by stifledlaughter (原神 | Genshin Impact (Video Game))

“This idea won’t shut up until I write it” – I’ve been noodling on this Razor/Fischl/Bennett future fic for a while now, and part of my “just write it!!” mentality this year involved me taking the noodling thoughts and stir-frying them into something edible. I was pretty pleased with it in the end, especially the female OC, who is definitely one of my favorites I’ve written. 

adularescence (new one-shot) (原神 | Genshin Impact (Video Game))

“Gift fic” – my yearly solstice gift for my metamour! She let me write Zhongli with two dicks this year, I was really excited about that. 

the skin you're in (Wizard of Oz) 

“Found a prompt list” – more specifically, a Yuletide recipient’s list! What’s funny about this one is that originally, I had been assigned to them for a different fandom (Neopets) only to read the rest of their prompts and read their cool prompt for a genderqueer Ozma. It prompted me to re-read select books from the Wizard of Oz series so I could better write this fic, which was pretty fun. 

more mundane and magical (Love and Leashes (2022))

“I saw the plot and needed it for my OTP” – So I have been really really wanting to write a fic set in the modern day kink community/scene, even though I left my in-person kink community several years ago due to burnout. I still have many fond memories of it, and truly wanted to write a fic that reflects the good parts of the community with rose-colored glasses, so I no longer felt as bitter about the bad parts. When I saw this movie requested for Yuletide, I knew that I had to write for it, and that finally, I could marry this plot idea (“put those characters in the kink scene”) with this fantastic movie that lends itself so well to that idea. Writing it was joyful, cathartic, and a little melancholy, which I feel really enhanced the fic. 

Clean bingo card:

[steamishot]

funky

although there have been a lot of good moments this past month, i overall was in a funk. in hindsight, i was really disappointed with how the job search was going and a lot of my expectations going out the window. our plan of moving back in winter (aka now) looks more like summer of next year or later. i was in LA for three weeks and matt and i were semi-long distance. i felt really sad that after all these years of hard work, we were where we started: me in my parents house, him in a tiny apartment in NYC, and the future uncertain. i felt like we had nothing to show for all the years of sacrifice and it is embarrassing. also, being at home feels different recently. like there is some silent disappointment that we haven't moved back home yet and it keeps getting delayed (could be me projecting).

my ginger/headspace app from kaiser finally reactivated during a good time. i had a couple texting sessions with life coaches which were helpful. the main takeaway from this is that i became so tunnel-visioned on something that is essentially out of my control, and basically forgot to nurture all the things that are in my control. i felt like i had job search depression by extension. reading about how others were struggling to find a good job (and remembering that my own brother was unemployed for 8 months) helped me feel less alone. i am planning on doing therapy starting december since it is covered by kaiser when i'm in CA.

finally, i cried at least 6+ times in the last two weeks instead of holding it all in. i usually only cry a couple of times a year max. it felt very releasing, and i reminded myself it's okay to not be okay.

positive things

my cousin stephanie came to visit from TX and she slept over at my parent's house for 3 nights. it was so nice to get to know her a little bit more. i never felt close to her because she grew up a lot more americanized and i am naturally closed off, but there's also many commonalities by just being related. she and matt connected because they're both in healthcare. she joined us for hot yoga one day and was quite good

one of the days, my niece had a 102 fever. luckily, there were two healthcare professionals in the room. i went along with matt (MD) and stephanie (PA) to CVS to pick up an ear thermometer since we didn't have one at home

attended S&A's wedding. it was an intimate setting and the bride was gorgeous ;) got to finally meet the groom A and see J&O again after 3+ years. we really liked the succulents and food.

had a craft's day with G at her parent's house in east LA while watching twin flames and no hard feelings. we made felt ornaments that i later gave to my niece

went on a hike and ate dinner with matt's family at ho kee cafe.

got hai di lao and matcha with stephanie at westfiled santa anita. i gifted her my old coffee grinder, but my clumsy self broke the glass container at the last minute :/

had dinner at my aunt's house for veterans day. i got to see my baby cousin E who is taller now! i picked up cousin B from color guard practice. it was inspiring to see how hard these teenagers were working

as part of the long distance lifestyle, matt and i met up in norcal to celebrate his birthday. we stayed at alila ventana big sur and carmel valley ranch. alila, though beautiful, was TOO indulgent for me lol. due to it being all inclusive, we basically planned our days around eating at the same restaurant and i just felt meh and stuck. i much preferred our carmel valley ranch stay, where we were more active and got to explore the town

funny side note, we took a class called balance and fit at CVR and it turns out everyone in the class was at least 80 years old. the instructor was nice enough not to treat us differently haha

did a corepower sculpt class in redwood city before flying a red eye back to NYC

matt has an interview with USC next week. a few other places have responded: kaiser, UCLA, memorialcare and cedars. fingers crossed (but keeping expectations low)

i started watching abbott elementary and really enjoyed it. recently enjoyed the movie a million miles away. i also started playing chess on chess.com. this is me learning how to nurture other parts in my life i've been neglecting. i am literally learning resilience by playing chess. i have a tendency of not wanting to lose/fail, and rather give up than learning how to do better. but, here i am losing and continuing to try lol

thanksgiving: matt is on a hard rotation and it is his birthday on thanksgiving day. R&T mentioned hanging out but we haven't finalized plans yet. i have plans with T to watch marvels on friday.

black friday wishlist: manduka yoga mats, yogitoes yoga towels, breville bambino plus espresso machine to keep at my parent's house, fellow opus grinder (already purchased) and maybe a new kindle cover

note: life is much more enjoyable when i don't try and control everything. appreciate the here and now, because i might miss it once it's gone. having such rigid expectations will always leave me feeling disappointed. enjoy the journey as it is 70-80% of the process.

[argentumcor]

Paracausal Refit Future

This series has lived in my head for a long time, ideas bouncing about, but I wanted to badly to keep it to canon that I put a lot of them on the backburner. (Oooh, that's numerous mixed metaphors, I'm almost proud.)

I find, generally, canon is more a gift than a restriction. Writers, especially pros, who complain about it are pussies and/or egotists. Art needs limits and discipline, because otherwise it gets out of hand...and the artist might be tempted to even greater self-indulgence than he or she already endures by nature of being an artist.

However, Destiny just...I don't know, since Stasis was introduced as a power Guardians could get, kind of going in directions I found I didn't like. The underpinnings of the Light and Darkness conflict, as well as the interesting ideas involved in how paracausality worked, were being abandoned. (Knowing what I do of the development and watching the writing, I think there was a lot of philosophical conflict in the writers' room for this game, applying to both the overarching story and characters). I'd say Plunder was the real start of the true downward swing, though. Just a lot of wasted potential, from Spider's heel-face turn to the lackluster fight between Eramis and Mithrax to the effing Nezcafe, just slapped together. Others have gone at length upon the issues with Lightfall's story, I have nothing of note to add there.

It all feels so perfunctory. It feels like these epic, interesting, fun setups and just no...funds or time or interest or skill to finish them off properly.

Seraph so transparently existed only to tie up Rasputin's loose ends. As well as the loss of the potential of a mortal Exo Rasputin, what else is there for Ana to do? She's just some other Hunter with a tech interest as far as the story cares with Rasputin utterly gone. I don't like her, but people do, and she is there, but what is she left to do? Live a life out of one of those boring modern Marvel comics? (The answer, I am 99% certain, is yes.)

Someone must have lobbied to tie up Asher's long-dangling plot thread and promised it would be done in as cheap a way as possible. There was an exotic mission with some fun stuff, but we didn't learn anything much, and then Asher- the fighter against all odds, the man so irritated that he refuses to die- just offs himself because the odds look hopeless. We don't even learn anything about the Veil, Osiris did that with no connection to that questline at all. (I know they could bring him back, but that thing with Ikora and Mithrax felt final).

I think Savathun is going to really die at the end of this season as part of Eris' plan, which will wrap that up and waste a brilliant character.

I am sure The Final Shape will be fun. I'm not sure it will be a satisfying story. Going to the Cayde memberberries well makes me very apprehensive. There's interesting potential there, for sure, but I doubt it will be properly explored.

This is a very long way of saying I'm not really satisfied with the way canon has been handled. Dissatisfied to the extent that I feel driven to do something about it, which isn't often. I'm dissatisfied with the lack of a follow-up to Dredd (2012), but am not driven to write a sequel. I found The Mandalorian Season 3 deeply dissatisfying, but I have no desire to try to fix it in fic.

I find myself driven to tackle Destiny's story in Paracausal Refit, in much the same way I was driven to write an admittedly very strange (and long, how did that happen) work following up on Cyberpunk 2077. I should use the time and ideas for my own work- I've got a novel to write and more in the mental queue- but I will add this to the mix anyway, and not scrub the serial numbers off. There's a sense of writing it being the right thing to do, a sort of righting of a creative wrong, while Orpehus After the Fall was, hm, a commentary that needed to be made.

It's so far from purely that, I enjoy writing and I enjoy having fun with the characters and worlds, but the motive is not just that. It's not to get off, either, literally (I will never write a sex scene; among other things, it would be badly written) or in an ego sense.

I have some ideas to organize, I guess.