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0nerd-at-heart0 · 4 months

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The Stress of a Case

Harvey Specter x Female Reader

Please Read: Hello! It's been a hot minute since I have published anything. Have been currently studying for my LSATS and have been a busy bee but after being obsessed with Suits for the past 2 years and waiting for more Harvey stories to be published I decided to create my own little storyline. What started off as a storyline in my head is now on paper. I have this idea to create a mini-story/universe: how the reader got hired, when she first met Mike, her first case with Harvey, her first date with Harvey, etc. I guess I just want to see if people are interested. It's been a while since I had written anything that wasn't an academic paper and my writing skills have changed drastically. This is one of the first the fics of the universe I am building in my head that I have written so I decided to publish this. I hope yall enjoy it, please give feedback.

Warnings: Talks about not eating (due to stress), food mention, panic attack details, fainting, Harvey being an ass, cursing I think? if I am missing anything please let me know

Word count: 5.6k

Taglist: @happy74827 @princessvader15 @hashcakes @yiiiikesmish @malfoys-demigod

I tagged those who commented under my last post I hope that's okay and if you aren't interested in being tagged let me know and I will remove you sorry.

As you entered the corridors of Pearson Hardman, they were alive with the usual buzz of legal minds at work, but this time, a distinct tension hung in the air. You didn't even get a few steps into the associates area before hearing the straining voice of Louis Litt yelling that there was an emergency meeting.

You scrambled behind, stuffing your mouth with the banana nut muffin you thought you would eat peacefully at your desk this morning. You knew what this meeting was about, everyone knew. The case against Amir Jackson, the firm's ex-lawyer turned adversary, had everyone on edge.

The briefing room was filled with hushed whispers as everyone settled in, and even the confident strides of Harvey Specter and Louis Litt carried a subtle weight.

Harvey, impeccably dressed as always, stood at the head of the conference table, his piercing gaze flickering between Jessica Pearson and the gathered associates, and maybe it was your imagination but it might have lingered a little longer on you. Snapped out of your imagination when he spoke, "Listen up, people. This case is different. Amir Jackson knows us inside out, and he won't hesitate to use that knowledge against us. He's playing dirty, and we need to be ready for anything."

You never got to meet Amir Jackson, but oh the stories. The firm had no problem doing what they needed to do to be successful, but there was a line they never dared cross and Amir crossed it.

Jessica leaned forward, her hands planted firmly on the table. "Amir's betrayal when he left this firm was bad enough. Now, he's trying to take a piece of us with him. We can't let that happen."

Louis chimed in. "I've seen my fair share of dirty plays, but this guy is in a league of his own. We need to be one step ahead, or he'll bury us."

The gravity of the situation was sinking in, associates exchanged knowing glances. They understood the magnitude of the challenge ahead. Amir Jackson wasn't just a legal opponent; he was a former comrade who knew their strengths and weaknesses intimately. The fact that there was a meeting needing to be held just told how much this case was about to get tricky. Usually the inner circle dealt with these cases: Harvey, Louis, Jessica, Mike and maybe sometimes Rachel.

Your role as the go-to person for legal paperwork kept you in the thick of it. While Harvey Specter had his famed right-hand man in Mike Ross, he knew he could rely on you for drafting contracts with a precision that went beyond mere proficiency.

You might not have been Harvey's drinking buddy or his confidant like Mike, but there was a unique dynamic between you both. It was a quiet understanding that transcended the formalities of the workplace. You knew you would never be his protege, and that was perfectly fine with you. What you brought to the table was a specialized skill set that complemented Harvey's legal prowess, if you do say so yourself.

His voice thundered through the briefing room as he adjusted his cuffs, “I am building a specific legal team to help bring down Amir Jackson”.

Of coure Harvey was going to pick Mike Ross, Mike was worth more than 8 associates. How much more help does he need? Who else could he need? Harvey's eyes scanned the room filled with associates. His gaze settled on you, and he flashed a sly grin. "You, Y/N. You're on my team for this one.”

Harvey and you had worked together various times. He always knew he could count on you for legal paperwork. As much as he depended on Mike Ross, there was one thing you were that Mike wasn’t and that was that you had a talent when it came to drafting contracts. But I believe that there was some respect, one might even say in a blossoming friendship between you and him. You got a spark of it when he teasingly picked you out of the bunch of associates to be part of his team for his takedown of Amir Jackson.

“You know, Y/N, if paperwork were an Olympic sport, you'd be a gold medalist," Harvey remarked with a wry grin, “And I expect you to bring the gold home for Pearson Hardman”

“I won’t let you down Sir”, you gave a weak smile as all eyes were on you.

You hated the attention, yet you couldn’t help the small heat you felt on our cheeks as Harvey stared at you. Drawn to playing with the bracelet you wore as you slightly cringed at yourself for the words that came out of your mouth. Sir? Really. Stupid, you thought.

Harvey moved past it and called out the name of 2 more associates and asked if anyone else wanted in on the case had to draw up a proposal. He only wanted the best of the best and trust him, he would get the best of the best.

You made your way to Harvey’s office as the meeting was dismissed. And you reminisce on the first time Harvey complimented on your legal work.

“ Are you a sorcerer”, Harvey asked as he made his way to your cubicle. It was late one night and you were stuck on an email. You had this need to overachieve and be perfect and it showed in everything you did. But if you were being honest it was exhausting.

You glanced up, raising an eyebrow. "Well, Harvey, someone has to make sure the i's are dotted and the t's are crossed. Can't let you walk into a negotiation with a misplaced comma, now can we?"

You don’t know what has gotten into you. Maybe it's the lack of sleep or the fact that you had 4 coffees. But the confidence was there and to your surprise, Harvey chuckled.

You swear you saw a twinkle in his eye as he responded, "You're practically the Mozart of legal documents. I half expect those contracts to start singing a symphony when I open them."

You smirked, setting aside the email you were currently writing, swiveling your chair to face him, "If you want a soundtrack to your legal victories, Harvey, I'm sure I can find a way to make that happen."

He tilted his head, a playful glint in his eyes. "Now that's the kind of innovation I like to see. Who needs background music at a negotiation? Just cue in Y/N legal masterpiece."

You couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the idea. "I'll be sure to add it to the list of services I provide, Harvey. Background music, legal counsel, and a dash of flair."

Harvey straightened up, his signature confidence in full force. "Flair is your middle name, isn't it? The 'Legal Maestro with a Touch of Flair.' Has a nice ring to it."

You rolled your eyes, feigning exasperation. "I'll have to update my business cards. But let's be honest, Harvey, you appreciate the flair. It's what sets my paperwork apart from the rest."

Harvey smirked, leaning in. "You're not wrong. But don't let it get to your head. I can't have you drafting contracts with a crown on, declaring yourself the Queen of Legal Documents." He turned to leave right after and you could have sworn you were asleep and that any moment now you would wake up from this dream.

You yelled out, “Don't worry, Harvey. I'll keep the royal proclamations to a minimum. Wouldn't want to overshadow your crown as the King of Closing Deals." And you could have sworn he let out a hearty laugh from down the hall.

“Y/N, nice of you to join us”, Harvey said. Jessica and Mike were already in the room as the other associates were already screaming. They had been given their assignments and were off to work.

“What can I do”, you spoke above a whisper, feeling small as the eyes were all on you. Jessica knew your history, she knew you struggled to be the shark of a lawyer you could be. But she hired you anyway, your interview with her wasn't the best. But she saw something in you, something that reminded her of herself when she was starting off. She was gonna build and mold you to a shark. But for now she let you be. A shark wasn’t born overnight.

“ I need one of your flawless contracts for Amir. I need no loopholes. Nothing he can use against us”, Harvey spoke in a harsher tone then he meant.

All you could do was nod your head and swiftly leave the room to do the research needed. Leaving Mike, Harvey and Jessica to chatter. As you walked down the corridor you saw Louis making his way to Harvey’s office with Rachel in tow. All hands on deck indeed, you thought to yourself.

The first night working on that draft through the dim glow of the late-night office lights illuminated your determined face. The rhythmic tapping of the keyboard was accompanied by the occasional crunch of Hot Cheetos.

Proud of your work, you compiled the neatly typed pages and confidently walked over to Harvey Specter's desk. As you placed the document in the designated spot, you felt relief wash over you. It’s currently 2:00 am, no one is here but you but you really wanted to prove your worth.

With only 5 hours asleep, the next day, you walked into the office, a little pep in your step. You made yourself some crappy coffee. And were about to head into the bullpen.

Harvey, engrossed in his own work the minute he stepped into the office, took a moment to glance at the papers. His stern expression, usually unreadable, twisted into a scowl as he noticed a small Hot Cheeto stain near the corner of the document. And called you down to his office. Your pep was gone once you heard his tone of voice as he called your name. Turning on your heel you headed towards his office. Donna was expecting you and let you by. One foot through the door is as far as you got before Harvey had something to say.

"Do you see this?" Harvey's voice was sharp pointing at the small stain.

Panicking slightly, you stammered, "I'm sorry, Harvey. I must have missed that." It was an easy fix, just print another copy, you thought to yourself making a mental note.

Harvey's gaze shifted from the stain to the content of the contract. He began circling errors with a red pen, his frustration apparent. "And these mistakes? This is what you place on my desk and yet it isn't up to my expectations”.

As he pointed out the errors, your pride in their work crumbled. The Hot Cheeto stain seemed to just make Harvey go on a power trip.. Each correction felt like a blow,"I expect better from you," Harvey remarked, his tone cold and unforgiving.

You nodded, unable to muster a response. Maybe the growing friendship you thought of was truly in your head. As Harvey returned to his own work, you retreated to their desk, determined to rectify the mistakes.

You admit your first draft wasn't the best. And you shouldn't have eaten near the paperwork. You were currently starving as you finished up the last paragraph. It’s been 6 hours since Harvey scolded you but this draft was perfect. And after you turned it in you were going to treat yourself to a nice dinner. Probably the Mexican place down the road. You were zoned in for the past 6 hours. This was the only case you were working on and it needs all your attention. But your attention was quickly zoned into the associate that was stumbling through the door.

Mike comes waltzing in, barely having any balance. You and Mike haven't really talked much. But he didn't look well.

“ Hey, Mike. You okay?" you asked, concerned in your voice.

Mike attempted a nonchalant smile, but the wavering balance gave away his inebriated state. "Yeah, just...you know, a little tired."

Observing Mike closely, you couldn't shake the feeling that there was more to the story. "Are you sure about that?"

Mike hesitated before confessing, "Okay, fine. Maybe a bit more than tired. Harvey and I went to meet someone about the Amir Jackson case, and things got a bit...out of hand with the drinks"

Your concern shifted to a mix of annoyance and frustration. While you had been tirelessly working on the second version of the contract, Harvey and Mike were out getting drunk. "Seriously, Mike? We have a case to win, and you two are out here partying?"

Mike scratched his head, a sheepish grin on his face. "We thought it was a good idea at the time. Maybe it was a bit impulsive."

Determined to express their frustration, you headed towards Harvey's office, the door slightly opened,. Knocking lightly, you entered and handed Harvey the second draft of the contract. The faster you gave it to him the faster you could leave.

"Here's the updated version, Harvey," you said, trying to mask your annoyance. After all, he is still the boss.

You sped walked out of there and back to your cubicle. Mike was there still, with his head on his desk.

“Go ask Donna for some pain killers, you still have a long night ahead of you”, you told him.

Mike just nodded and stumbled as he stood up to go to Donna. You were packing your bags, ready to call it an early night. When your computer dinged. You sat down to respond to an email quickly when you felt the tension of the bullpen change drastically.

“What is this, Y/N ?" Harvey's tone was sharp, his blue eyes piercing into mine.

You frowned, confused by the unexpected hostility. "It's the contract you asked for, Harvey. I double-checked everything, and it's all in order."

He scoffed, he took out a red marker from his pocket and started circling stuff with his red marker again, "This is subpar, even for an associate. I don't have time for amateur hour."

You felt a knot tighten in your stomach, a mix of frustration and disbelief. "Harvey, I don't understand. I followed the protocol, and the contract is flawless. What's the issue?"

He leaned in, his voice dropping to a low, cutting tone. "Flawless? If this is your definition of flawless, we're in trouble. I need precision, not this half-baked attempt at legal work."

The comments were like a punch to the gut. Harvey's relentless standards were known, but this seemed different. You couldn't fathom what had triggered such a harsh reaction. Was he too tipsy? Doubt crept into your mind, questioning your abilities despite knowing that the document was, by all standards, impeccable.

As you scrambled to gather my thoughts, Harvey continued. "If you can't handle the basics, I don't know why I bother keeping you around. Maybe it's time for a reality check, Y/N."

His words hung in the air, a heavy weight on my shoulders. The bullpen fell silent, and your colleagues exchanged uneasy glances. You knew how people judged women for being emotional in the workplace but you could not help the tears welling in your eyes.

Harvey turned on his heel and walked away without a second glance, leaving you with a sinking feeling of inadequacy. You stared at the perfectly crafted document, now dismissed and devalued by Harvey's cutting words. It was a moment of doubt, a crack in the confidence you had built in your work. Goodbye nice dinner, you thought to yourself as we sat at your cubicle, back to square one.

It's been about a week since Harvey yelled at you. You couldn't sleep, you couldn't eat. Doubt was eating you. You were always proud of your writing skills, that was what you were known for. This is what got you hired at Pearson Hardman. What if you weren't good enough for this job anymore? Did you speak? Your mind was racing and you were lucky enough to talk yourself down. You were currently working on your fifth version of this contract. Every draft before that had him taking out his red marker. A part of you could have sworn he was just circling things at random, but who are you to question the great Harvey Specter. It was 2:00 pm and you thought maybe you deserve a snack so you headed to the breakroom. Who do you happen to run into Mike Ross? He had no faults but just happened to be the unwitting recipient of your frustration.

You stormed up to Mike barely containing the anger that had been building for weeks. "Mike, we need to talk," I blurted out, not bothering to hide the frustration in my voice.

Mike looked up from his sandwich, surprised by the intensity of my tone. "Sure, Y/N, what's going on?"

You took a deep breath, struggling to find the right words. "It's just... Do you ever feel like you're stuck in someone's shadow? Like no matter how hard you work, you're always one step behind?"

Mike furrowed his brow, sensing the gravity of my emotions. "What happened? Is it Harvey?"

You nodded, my frustration bubbling over. "It's always Harvey. He treats you like a partner, his drinking buddy, his go-to guy for everything. Meanwhile, I'm drowning in his shadow, drowning in rewrites and unreasonable expectations."

Mike leaned back, a sympathetic expression on his face. "I get it. Harvey has his moments. But you're great at what you do. Maybe he just doesn't see it."

"That's the problem, Mike. He doesn't see it. I'm just the person who writes and rewrites, constantly trying to meet his impossible standards. Did you know I can't even eat at my desk because once there was a Hot Cheeto stain on one of the drafts, and he lost it?"

Mike's eyes widened, realizing the extent of my frustration. "That's harsh, Y/N. Look, I know I have a different dynamic with Harvey, but it doesn't mean he values you any less. Maybe you should talk to him about how you're feeling."

"It's not that easy, Mike. I'm tired of being the one in the background. I can't handle the pressure anymore." you confessed, your voice laced with a mix of anger and vulnerability.

Mike sighed, understanding the weight of your words. "I can't fix everything, but I can listen. And I am truly sorry"

“NO, NO, no I am sorry Mike, I am not mad at you or at Harvey. I guess I am mad at myself. I am just going back to work on my fifth version of this document”, you said as you felt the hunger take over. But you pushed through. You had to push through.

As you walked out of the break room, Mike became an unexpected ally. He went to his binder Harvey put together and looked for the fourth version of the contract knowing Harvey had put it all in the file to look over. The document was perfect, no one could have done it better.

Mike took in your look when you came bargaining in here. You looked awful. And what it was barely a week working on the case. Mike had heard about Harvey yelling in the bullpen but it had caused you so much disarray that Mike knew Harvey took it too far. He knew you and he didn't talk as much but Rachel adored you and he had to do the right thing and get Harvey to apologize.

Donna saw Mike striding towards Harvey’s office and knew what was coming. Donna knew Harvey was wound tight. That this case was getting the best of him and taking it out on the lovely Y/N but lord forbid she say anything. The last time she tried she nearly got her head chewed off too and Harvey right now needs to know he isn't alone in this case.

"Harvey, you're being too hard on Y/N. The contract she wrote was perfect, and every draft since then has only improved upon perfection. You can't keep circling random stuff just to make her rewrite it," Mike asserted, his tone firm as he entered Harvey’s office. The fourth version of your contract in his hand.

Harvey shot him a sharp glance. "I demand the best, and if she can't deliver, then maybe she's not cut out for this."

Mike shook his head. "It's not about delivering, Harvey. It's about you being stressed out over the case and taking it out on her. She's doing her best, and you need to acknowledge that."

Before Harvey could respond, Donna chimed in. "Mike's right, Harvey. I've seen the way you've been treating Y/N, and it's not fair. You've always had a soft spot for her, even if you won't admit it.”

Harvey raised an eyebrow. "A soft spot? Donna, you're reading too much into it."

Donna crossed her arms, "Harvey. I am Donna and I know everything. I also see everything. Harvey. Remember the time she was sick, and you made sure she had everything she needed? Or how you personally chose her for the team during the Jackson case? You compliment her skills and skip past everyone else you named for your team. You've got a soft spot for her, whether you admit it or not”

Mike nodded in agreement. "You can't deny it, Harvey. There's something about her that you can't ignore. Maybe it's time to acknowledge it and cut her some slack."

Harvey sighed, he didn't appreciate Mike and Donna ganging up on him but the fact that they were meant they maybe had a point, "Fine. Maybe I've been too hard on her. But she needs to know that mediocrity isn't acceptable."

Donna shook her head. "Harvey, there's a difference between pushing for excellence and being unnecessarily harsh. You owe Y/N an apology."

Reluctantly, Harvey nodded. "Alright. I'll talk to her. But this doesn't mean I'm going soft."

Donna smirked. "We wouldn't want that, Harvey."

Harvey made his way to find you. While Donna and Mike exchanged a knowing look. He made his way down to Rachels office, knowing that's where he will find you at these hours. He was taking the elevator and he thought about the last time both of you were in the elevator. It was the day the Amir Jackson case got handed for the first time. Harvey was on his way to meet with Amir for the first time in a long time to talk over the case, get under his skin.

The elevator doors closed, enclosing Harvey Specter and Y/N in a small, confined space. The tension from the Jackson case was already weighing heavily on Harvey, evident by the way he impatiently tugged at his perfectly knotted tie.

"Harvey, relax. You're going to strangle yourself with that tie if you keep pulling on it," you quipped. You realized the stress coming off him and the words just flew out of your mouth before you could think.

Harvey shot them a sidelong glance, his usual stoicism momentarily replaced by a flicker of amusement. "Maybe I'd be better off without it."

A small, unexpected laugh escaped Harvey's lips, surprising both him and Y/N. It was a rare sight to witness Harvey Specter, the embodiment of seriousness, letting his guard down even for a moment. Specifically with you.

" This isn't your first time easing the tension, I see the way you calm Rachel down when she gets in over her head. You always find a way to lighten the mood. What's your secret?" Harvey teased, a hint of a smile playing on his lips.

You shrugged, a smile forming as you too let down your guard "Maybe it's just my superpower. The ability to make even the mighty Rachel and even the mysterious Harvey Specter crack a smile."

Harvey's expression shifted back to his usual cool exterior, but a subtle warmth lingered in his eyes. "Careful, now you might start thinking you're irreplaceable."

As the elevator continued its ascent, the banter between you quieted down and Harvey and you started to go back to normal. Back to the quietness and coldness.

But before the elevator opened to the floor, Harvey sneaked in, “Well, don't let it get to your head. You're not the comedian Pearson Specter, just the document wizard.", his smile lingered a little before the face of the closer returned to its hard exterior.

If you were there longer than Rachel or she was busy running around the office she allowed you to work in her small office room. It was currently 4:00 pm but Louis had yelled at all the associates and dismissed them for the day for being useless. Only those working on the Amir case were still here, plus Donna and Rachel. Rachel was off trying to get the emails of old associates of Amir. You thought that Mike probably went off with her after your little breakdown to him. You knew Harvey was in the office and that you were typing on your keyboard like there was no tomorrow. You meticulously worked on the revised legal document, determined to prove to Harvey Specter that you could meet his standards and trying to prove yourself that you could melt your own standards. The door swung open abruptly, and you hooked up to see Harvey's stern expression.

"Y/N, we need to talk," he said, his voice surprisingly gentle, yet you couldn't shake the feeling that another reprimand was imminent.

Your pulse quickened, and your breath caught in your throat. The anxiety that had been simmering since Harvey's earlier criticism surged to the surface. You felt a tightness in my chest, your hands trembling as you tried to compose myself.

Harvey noticed your distress, as his expression softened, and he took a step closer. "Hey, relax. I just wanted to talk about earlier. I think I may have been too harsh."

The words barely registered as your panic escalated. Your mind raced, and suddenly, you found it difficult to breathe. The walls of the office seemed to close in on you. Before you could respond, the edges of your vision blurred, and a wave of dizziness overcame you as you sat at the desk, gripping on to the edge for support.

Harvey's concern deepened as he watched you struggle. "Hey hey hey, whoa, take it easy. You are okay, everything is okay”

But you couldn't catch your breath, and panic tightened its grip. Your hands shook uncontrollably, and you gasped for air. In the midst of the chaos, Harvey acted swiftly. He made his way around the desk kneeling down to be at eye level with you.

"Deep breaths, Y/N. In and out," Harvey instructed, his voice a soothing anchor in the storm of panic.

As you continued to struggle, Harvey, without hesitation, he took your hand and placed it over his heart. "Feel my heartbeat? Match your breaths to it. In, and out”

His heartbeat served as a rhythmic guide, and slowly, your breaths synchronized with its steady cadence. The panic began to subside, replaced by a sense of calm that washed over you. As the storm within you quieted, exhaustion set in, and the world around you blurred into darkness.

Harvey caught you as you passed out. Guilt swept over him because he knew he was the cause of this. He can’t remember the last time he saw you smile, the last time you ate, the last time you lit up a room. You were giving your all in this case and by doing so you were giving away parts of yourself too. He moved you onto Rachels couch so you could lay down properly. He knew you passed out because of panic and the lack of eating, he noticed these things about you. He noticed a lot about you actually, damn it Donna, he thought.

He took his pocket square and wet it with your water bottle. He adjusted himself to the couch, moving so that your head was on his lap as he placed the cool rag on your forehead.

The aftermath of the panic attack had left both of you in a vulnerable state. Yet Harvey couldn't deny the flutter in his chest as he gazed down at you. Was it concern for your well-being, or was it the proximity that had him on edge? He shook off the thought, focusing on steadying his own heartbeat.

In the midst of the stillness, the door creaked open, and right on cue Mike Ross cautiously entered. He took in the scene, the concern etched across his face.

"What happened?" Mike asked, his eyes shifting between Harvey and your unconscious state, ready to fight Harvey if he did you any physical harm.

Harvey, in his usual commanding tone, snapped, "Go to the Mexican restaurant two blocks down and get two number 5's."

Mike, taken aback, stammered, "But—"

"Just do it," Harvey insisted, his gaze never leaving you.

Mike quickly exited, leaving Harvey alone with his unconscious colleague. He had so many questions but Harvey’s tone told him everything he needed to know. Minutes later, the door swung open again, revealing Mike with bags of Mexican takeout in hand.

"Here," Mike said, handing the bags to Harvey. "I'll take off early for the night. Rachel and I were thinking about grabbing dinner. You got this, right?" A little weary to leave you, feeling like he should tell Rachel, Donna or even Jessica. But the look in Harvey’s eye told him he had nothing to worry about.

Harvey nodded, a silent acknowledgment of Mike's understanding. As Mike left, Harvey couldn't help but feel a mix of gratitude and guilt. He knew you hadn't been eating well, and by the looks of your under eye bags you also hadn't been sleeping and the panic attack had been triggered by the stress of the Jackson case, a burden he bore on both their shoulders.

As you began to stir, Harvey glanced down at the bags of Mexican food. The aroma filled the room, and he hoped the gesture would, in some small way, make up for the turmoil he inadvertently caused.

"You're awake," Harvey remarked as you slowly opened their eyes.

You ignored everything around you as you slowly sat up with the help of Harvey. A blush rushing on your face realizing how close you were to Harvey. But all that faded when you saw the food, "How did you know this is my favorite?"

“That’s the first thing you ask?’Harvey raised an eyebrow.

Your body slowly turned to face him.The headache and body sores had you wincing in pain. Harvey’s eyes held much guilt and sadness in them even as he tried to suppress them and act strong in front of you. This was about you and not about what he was feeling.

“I am a simple girl. I get easily distracted by food”, you let out a small laugh even though you are exhausted, “Now answer my question”

Harvey hesitated, the words lingering on the tip of his tongue, he wanted to say that it's because he knew you. But Instead of admitting the depth of his knowledge about you, he chose a simpler response. "Who doesn't love Mexican food?"

You hummed as he moved the desk closer to you so you wouldn't have to get up from the couch. The food was spread out and he took a seat next to you. A silence took over the room as you both began to eat. The atmosphere was heavy with unspoken tension, the events of the panic attack still lingering in the air.

Harvey cleared his throat, breaking the uneasy silence. "Look, Y/N, I wanted to apologize for the unnecessary pressure I put on you. It was out of line, and I shouldn't have let it escalate to the point of causing a panic attack."

You glanced up from your plate, a mixture of exhaustion and forgiveness in your eyes. "Harvey, it's not entirely your fault. The case is stressful, and I should have handled it better."

Harvey's expression softened at your words. "That doesn't excuse my behavior. I should have been more considerate. I don't want you to feel like you have to carry the weight of the case alone."

You sighed, pushing the food around on their plate. "Harvey, I forgive you, but on one condition."

Harvey raised an eyebrow, silently urging you to continue.

" I can't keep being treated like an outsider, I know I only got hired because of my writing skills but I want to do more, be more. I want to be more than just the person who drafts contracts. I know I can be a kick ass lawyer if given the chance."

Harvey took a moment to absorb your words. The realization of the impact of his actions sank in, and he nodded. "You're right”

“Did those words really just come out of your mouth”, your eye grew wide as a smile danced on your lips’’

“Just, can you just shush for a moment”, he said as he placed his fork down.

“ Jessca told me when you were hired that you were born to be a shark. I guess I got so caught up in your skills that I haven't really even given you the chance to dominate the courtroom. I shouldn't have overlooked that."

You saw something in his eyes you had never seen before. Was it hope?

You both continued to eat in subdued silence, the tension in the room shifted. The unspoken feelings between both of you simmered beneath the surface. This was forever changing the dynamic of your professional relationship.

So where do you all go after this? The case of Amir Jackson isn't over, there is much more left for you both to do. This isn't the end. This is only the beginning, leaving both Harvey and you to navigate whatever comes next.

#harvey specter x reader #harvey specter x you #harvey specter #suits #suits usa #suits tv #mike ross #donna paulsen #Pearson Hardman

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howlingday · 6 months

Text

Jaune's Shampoo

Mawraider

"DAMMIT, NORA!" Jaune opened his shower door. As he exited, he noticed his body had drastically changed. Using a mixture of his shampoo and experimental goo found at the fiendish Dr. Merlot's laboratory, Nora had unwittingly created a mutagen just to prank her team leader.

Jaune pushed his way through the shower door, a loud crash echoing through the steamy room. He fell to the floor, catching himself on the slick tiles for a moment before his body scraped underneath him, and his chin smashed into the hard ceramic beneath. He gave a groan as he felt the aching and stinging in his mouth. He ran his tongue across to find where his teeth may be missing from, if there were at all.

"Huh." None were missing. "Guess I got lucky."

This luck was short-lived as he pushed himself to his arms, but his legs felt stuck. Actually, stuck wasn't the right word. Stuck implies individual movement hindered by another. This felt like he was moving both legs as one.. if that made sense, which it didn't for him.

"What the heck?" Jaune looked down, eyes nearly bulging as he saw large protrusions from his forearms. Were those... fins?! Not only that, but these fins had scales, too! He looked further down his torso and discovered his, er, other body parts were gone! Everything below his belly button was replaced by a long, solid white tail with fringes of yellow at his sides! "What the hell is going on?!"

"Would you keep it down in there?!" Jaune snapped his head to the door, where a melodious screeching voice muffled through. "Whatever 'teenage boy' problems you have can be resolved yourself! Quietly!"

Oh, this was not good. In fact, it was well beyond not good. He'd completely forgotten the study session Nora set up with him and Weiss! Wait, did Nora plan this whole thing together? Oh, she was the absolute worst!

"Uh, Weiss?" Jaune called. "Is there anyone out there with you?"

"No, it's just you and me." Even through the door, he could still hear her say 'Unfortunately' under her breath. "Everyone else is busy with some other study session." Another 'Unfortunately' could be heard, a bit louder this time. "Why? You didn't hurt yourself in there, did you?"

"Uh..." Jaune looked down at his body. "Maybe?"

"Unbelievable." Weiss sneered. "Not only are you late to our study session, but you're also injured." There was a drawn-out sigh for extra drama, as Weiss is wont to do. "Are you at least decent?"

Again, Jaune looked at himself. "Kind of?"

"Can you open the door?"

Dragging himself to said door, he looked up to the knob, realizing how close and yet so far away it was. "I'm here, but I can't reach the lock."

"Do you have your scroll in there, or do I need to get Ruby to emergency unlock it?"

"Uh, no and no! My scroll should be by my bed at the end of the room." Quiet thumps of footsteps grew softer, before returning to their normal timbre. "Um, before you open the door, I need you to promise me something!"

"And that would be?"

"Don't freak out?" He couldn't see, but she was rolling her eyes.

"I assure you," the door came open, "I have seen far worAAAAAIE!" Weiss ran to the dorm room door, slamming it shut behind her as Jaune tried crawling after her. Sadly, her bipedal and still very much human form beat out whatever abomination Jaune had going on.

"Yeah, I'd freak out, too." He said with a sigh.

Jaune crawled his way out of the bathroom, his body dragging across the carpeted floor. He didn't want rug-burn, so he tried his best to keep whatever human skin he still had stayed off the floor. Once he reached the desk, he struggled his way into the chair. Nora and Pyrrha shared a mirror up here for personal use. Looking in, he finally got a good look at himself.

His hair remained it's moppy, blond self, though the skin underneath had become coarser than it used to. Following the trail of yellow scales down, he passed his mouth full of serrated teeth, and caught a glimpse of a dorsal fin jutting from his back. Looking down from the mirror to his body, his pale belly shifted to pearl white down his new tail, which ended in a strange near crescent shape. If Jaune didn't think he was a monster, then this was one heck of a costume.

"What the hell happened?" Jaune asked. "No wonder Weiss ran away."

Weiss freaked out earlier, but how was everyone else going to react? Would Ruby still want to be his friend, or Yang, or Pyrrha, or Ren- Well, Ren was a pretty cool guy, so he'd still be his friend. Nora, too, though he'd be angry with her at first. Blake... Well, him and Blake were more friends of friends already.

Still, his mind raced to all the ridicule and disgust his change would bring upon him. He'd be kicked out of Beacon, ruining his dream. His family would disown him, leaving him out on the streets. He'd have to get a job as a traveling circus freak, or worse, be abducted for science experiments and-

"Here." Jaune looked to his side where a tissue limply hung from the delicate fingers of one Weiss Schnee. "Don't get any shark snot on me."

"Th-Thanks, Weiss." Jaune took the tissue into his clawed fingers, accidentally shredding them, and blew into the clumps of rags. "Ugh."

"My thoughts exactly." Weiss said, setting the box next to him. Taking the box, he grabbed more clumps of tissues. After a long silence without blowing, Weiss spoke. "How did this happen?"

"My best guess..." Jaune gave a sniffle. "Nora."

"I hardly think she's capable of genetically altering a human's body to this degree." Weiss said with a scoff.

"You don't know how bad her pranks can get."

"And when would she have time to change you into... this?"

"She must have put something in my shampoo."

"Hmph. I would have used honey."

"She did, last time." Jaune said, remembering his training session ending with him being attacked by Rapier Wasps that snuck into Beacon, mysteriously by a jar borrowed from Cardin. The former bully swore he had no idea why she needed his jar, but she did threaten to break his legs. "This time, she put it in my shampoo."

"...At least it doesn't smell bad."

"Did you just sniff me?" Jaune asked, looking to his crush. She turned away with a blush.

"I thought it might be a clue of how you changed into this!" She nearly screamed. "It's not my fault coconut and lemon would turn you into this!"

"Coconut and lemon?" Jaune asked. "I think that was my shampoo."

"Maybe." She said. "Do you remember the ingredients?"

"Uh... no?" He sheepishly chuckled. Sharkishly? Whatever. "All the ad said was that it was 'spicy fruit' that would 'make me smell like a big fish in a big pond'."

"Of course it did. It's Advertising 101: The Truth Doesn't Sell."

"Do you... Do you think there's a cure?"

Weiss was quiet for a long time. She walked over to the window and tapped into her scroll. She gave a huff and continued to do so. Having enough of looking at himself, Jaune fell from his chair as he attempted to climb down. He crawled over to his bed, his claws digging into the blankets and sheets he made that morning. He tried to lay on his back, only to feel uncomfortable as his dorsal fin almost bent, and chose to lay on his stomach instead. He watched her work tirelessly.

In the afternoon light, she looked like an angel. He fell asleep with those thoughts.

An hour passed when the rest of Team JNPR returned to their dorm. Weiss was asleep next to Jaune, her hand in his hair as they quietly dozed. Nora beamed at her partner. He simply sighed.

"I told you it would work~."

A special thank you to @rwby-encrusted-blog for the inspiration of this work. I hope it's up to your standards.

#rwby #Jaune's shampoo #jaune arc #weiss schnee #white knight #rwby au #nora valkyrie #lie ren

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melloween-candie · 11 months

Text

Jealousy [P.2]

Lip Gallagher x Reader

Summary

You and Lip have always been best friends, but the day Lip meet Karen, things changed- for the worst! You never pictured yourself to be the jealous type, but you'd be lying to yourself if you said it didn't hurt seeing your crush fighting for that so-called 'family' growing in Karen's womb.

Warning! Friendzone, arguments, pregnancy, spoilers, cussing

Word Count: 1,159

Part 1, Part 2

[Angst/High school]

Shameless Masterlist

Fandom Masterlists

/"Talking"//Thinking//Muttering-Whispering/

***Narrator's Pov***

You turned off the TV in defeat.

I guess Lip isn't coming this time.

You left the room and went to bed.

Time skip!~

***Lip's Pov***

F*ck. Not again...

Lip quickly got up and started dressing himself.

"Uggh... What time is it?" Karen rubbed her eyes as she slowly woke up too. "Dude. It's only 8? Why are you up? Come back to bed with me."

"Can't" Lip said as he slipped on his shirt.

"Annnd- why not?" Karen gave Lip a pouty look.

"Because Karen. I've already let down Y/n enough." He said as he tied his shoes.

"Peff- her again." Karen rolled her eyes as she laid back down.

Time skip!~

You were doing your usual morning routine when you heard a knock at the door.

"Lip? What are you doing here?" You asked still slightly sleepy.

"I figured since I missed movie night, why not just move movie night to-" He pulled out two tickets. "Today?"

You smiled. "Let me get my coat."

Time skip!~

***Narrator's Pov***

You two were now at the movie theater. You were so excited to see this movie. You waited for it to come out for months. You were kind of glad that you got to see it with your favorite person. You couldn't stop rambling about the last movie they made... Until Lip got a call.

"Yeah, yeah- hang on." Lip grabbed his phone. Pulling it up to his ear; he answered. "Hello?"

Lips face then morphed dramatically. "The he*l do you mea-" He covered his other ear so he could hear better. "A-are you sure?"

His tone changed drastically at the end. He seemed worried. He then ended the call with a worried expression.

"Is everything okay?" He didn't answer... "Lip?"

"Karen's pregnant."

Your eyes widen. "Wha-what do you mean? Pregnant?!"

"I mean-" Lip took a deep breath. He didn't want to end up yelling at you. A lot of emotions where going through him right now... "Forget it. I got to go." He then left.

Leaving you disappointed once again.

Time skip!~

"A-are you sure it's mine?" Lip asked Karen as she rubbed her stomach.

"Well who else would it be?"

"Okay well are you a hundred percent sure your pregnant?"

"Oh my god, lip we had this conversation a thousand times already! I told you I haven't had my period for 3 weeks now and I've took multiple tests."

"Yes, and I-I'll be t-taking her to the doctor tomorrow to confirm it." Added her mother, Sheila.

Karen only looked at her mother with worry. Deep down, she didn't want her mother to disappoint herself again.

"I'll come with." Lip didn't even hesitate.

Time skip!~

It has been a couple of months now, and surprisingly Karen wasn't lying about being pregnant.

You were currently eating lunch. By yourself as per usual. Before you would eat lunch with Lip but ever since Karen told him she was 'possible' pregnant with his kid he just vanished completely.

Sure before he'd mainly hang out with her but at least he gave you time too, but now it's all about her. It would be childish to say you weren't jealous. The worst part of it all was Karen knew. And every time she went to school, she made it apparent to torture you.

She'd do things like-

Every time you would pass them in the hall, she'd so casually feel a kick, and Lip would get tense and coddle her.

She'd even make Lip carry her stuff- what's worst was that he was okay with it.

It was as if you're entire life revolved around her being pregnant with Lip's child. She was literally living your fantasy.

As much as you hated it, you always wanted Lip to look at you as more than a friend. But it never happened and now it never will and you just had to learn to accept it.

Time skip!~

It was finally the day. Karen was rushed to the hospital, and surprisingly enough her mother went too.

You only knew about it because the moment you had a chance to talk to Lip, the conversation ended quick, and I mean quick. He ended up getting a call two words in. It was about Karen being in the hospital. The last thing he said to you that day was, "Karen's giving birth!" Then he ran off.

And there he goes. Leaving you once again.

Though that night, you were surprised to see a huge text from him.

It explained how he wasn't the father and that the kid had Down syndrome. It also explained how he couldn't help but feel so angry yet so relieved at the same time. It even said something about how shameful Karen was for not keeping it.

He then texted you a question - "So what was it earlier that you wanted to talk about."

After reading that question, you immediately left him on read. You threw your phone across the room and started crying. You really hoped that in that text, he would have said something like - "You were right Y/n, it wasn't mine." Or "I'm sorry..."

You tried warning him. You tried telling him not to get too pent up about her being pregnant with 'his' kid. But all he ever did was yell at you saying stuff like, "how could you say that?!" and stuff like- "You're supposed to be my best friend, so why are you acting like this?!"

It really hurt, but you knew he was just really stressed. Plus, you'd be made too if someone called the mother/father of your children a sl*t and told you that it might not even be yours. But you'd at least take heed of that warning and not go buying so much expensive baby stuff.

Soon enough, you learned to ignore his text messages and eventually learned to ignore him. You decided enough was enough. You didn't like it but you realized that Lip was never going to love you the way you loved him, so in the end, you wanted to leave him.

And you tried. You two ended up getting into a huge argument about it. You yelled at him spilling everything you've been hiding for months and this angered him. He called you selfish and that set you off. You told him that you held back for him. That you could have beaten up Karen but no because he cared for her. You told him everything including everything you felt throughout those months.

You even got salty and said that you were glad it wasn't his. He needed a big slap of realization and you tried warning him too. All that shut him up quick.

You two stopped being friends after that... but you never stopped caring, and eventually, you two came back together. Like drugs, you were both addicted to each other. Whether you liked it or not.

A/n

Sorry, that took longer than expected... (But I did warn you all... I'm really bad with due dates 😅)

#shameless #lip gallagher #lip gallagher x reader #lip gallagher x karen #best friends #crushing #shameless fandom #fanfiction #fanfic #friendzone #karen jackson #sheila jackson #shameless spoilers

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stargirlaveblog · 3 months

Text

7Seals

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Chapter 11*

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•Previous Chapter: Chapter Ten

•Next Chapter: Chapter Twelve

• Chapter List

• New chapters every Thursday

•Content: Levi Ackerman × OC female. Slow Burn! Canon verse!

• Word Count: 2.5k

• Warning: This content may not be suitable for all readers. If you've watched all of AOT then you will understand that the show handles heavy subjects such as abuse, racism, violence, and other heavy subjects. This fanfiction will also have the same heavy themes. Chapters with heavy themes will be marked with * at each chapter. This chapter does contain themes of abuse. Please do not read if you are uncomfortable with that topic.

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Decode - Paramore

1:00 ━❍────── 3:22

↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺

VOLUME: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

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Levi's Perspective

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845

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"Can you slow down?" Her irritating voice echoed behind me as we navigated the halls.

"No," I snapped, rolling my eyes.

"Did you forget my rib is broken?" She complained, footsteps hastening.

"Weren't you just blabbering about being good in two weeks?" I retorted, annoyed.

"Yeah, two weeks. Not today," she groaned.

"I don't care. Hurry up," I barked. Erwin better be in his damn office, or this could turn into a colossal waste of my time. I didn't want to chance it being too late.

"Too late for what?" She said, running beside me while clutching her stomach.

Damn it, did I say that out loud?

"Nothing. Just keep going."

I've stared at that smug face countless times and never once noticed anything unusual.

If he's genuinely from the underground, how the hell did he surface? There's a reason for his secrecy, but why does Iris know? Is she in cahoots with him? Is she just his pawn?

"Erwin," I grunted, opening the door to his office.

"A firm knock works well, Levi," Erwin said, seated at his desk, the fire casting eerie shadows as he stood up. "Greetings, Iris."

"Alexander is from the underground," I declared to Erwin, cutting through the pleasantries. No need for useless banter; I wasn't here for amusement. Damn it, I had better things to do. But instead I had to involve myself with these shitheads.

Erwin's fake smile faded instantly, and his focus shifted to Iris.

"Is this true?" Erwin's stern question hung in the air.

"Yes, sir," Iris answered him.

"This changes things," I muttered, eyes narrowing at the unfolding situation.

"Drastically," Erwin replied, his gaze fixed on the world beyond his office window.

"Then I'm guessing you haven't heard the news yet?"

"What news?" I questioned, a wave of confusion washing over me.

What the hell did I miss while I was away? If it was crucial, someone should have tracked me down.

"Two more scouts were found dead this morning," Erwin dropped the bombshell. "Throats slit."

"What time?" I demanded. "How come no one notified me?"

"Sometime around noon. I sent someone to your office as soon as I found out," Erwin informed me.

"Wait, what?" Iris interjected, but both Erwin and I ignored her.

"You think it's connected?" I asked, suspicion creeping in.

"Both missing ODM gear. Just like last time," Erwin disclosed, turning to Iris once again. "Where was Alexander this morning?"

"I-I don't know," she stammered, her gaze flickering between Erwin and me.

"Where were you around noon?" Erwin pressed.

"I- I don't really know," she stuttered again. "I was training, and then I got hurt."

"Bullshit," I cut in, crossing my arms. She had been out of my sight for an hour today. "Recall everything you did—every person you interacted with, down to how you took a damn shit. Don't leave a single detail out."

"You were with me all morning," she protested, but her words fell on deaf ears.

"Except twice," Erwin said. "When you arrived and left my office. I timed you on your arrival; your departure, I'm unaware of."

"I went straight back and forth. No detours," Iris insisted, her eyes reddening with confusion.

"I find that hard to believe," I countered, fixing her with a piercing gaze.

"Can someone please tell me what the fuck is going on?" Iris demanded, irritation etched across her face.

Erwin and I exchanged a glance before turning our attention back to the increasingly frustrated girl. Her once-bright jade eyes now betrayed a mix of anger and something more elusive. Was she truly in the dark, or was she playing the fool? Her eyes held secrets.

"Stop playing dumb," I groaned at her. "We both know you didn't break your rib during practice." She moved closer, anger evident but an underlying fear betrayed by her eyes.

"I'm not playing dumb, Captain," she gritted through her teeth.

I stepped even closer, looming over her. Her newfound courage amused me, and a smirk threatened to escape.

"Watch yourself, cadet," I warned, relishing the moment. "Wouldn't want to end up with another broken rib."

"Stand down," Erwin's voice commanded, but she didn't yield. Iris stood defiantly, her angered eyes locked onto mine.

She was a stubborn brat if I'd ever seen one.

"Both of you," Erwin repeated. I shot a disapproving look at Erwin. Being kind won't get anything out of this girl. She's too damn stubborn. I stepped back, and Iris finally followed suit.

"Iris," Erwin addressed her. "How did you manage to break your rib?"

"I fell last night," she claimed.

"Stop fucking lying," I snapped at her. "How did you break your rib?"

Before she could answer, the door burst open, and Hange came running in.

"Commander!" they yelled, scanning the room. "Levi! Iris! I haven't seen you two in a while. What are you guys doing here?"

Getting distracted once again. Classic Hange.

"Hange," Erwin reminded them.

"Oh, right!" they said, saluting Erwin. "Two out of the three MPs have been arrested. We can't locate the other one at the moment, but—"

Erwin cut them off. "I'm afraid we won't catch the other anytime soon, assuming they're already alerted and planning to flee."

"What were their names?" I asked. Out of the four people I saw in the underground with Alexander, I needed to know who they caught.

"Officers Jinshi and Raymond have been apprehended," Hange said. "Carter is still on the loose."

"The woman? You let her go?" I said, frustration lacing my words. Who was she? Why has no one seen her before?

"We have no idea who she is. All we have is your description," Hange said.

It infuriated me. Loose ends. Always damn loose ends. I turned to Erwin. "What's our next move?"

Erwin's gaze met mine, a storm brewing in those blue eyes. "We need to find Alexander."

Hange chimed in, "And we're looking into more possible connections between the MPs and the underground activities."

I clenched my fists, a heavy feeling settling in my gut. This tangled web was getting more complex by the minute, and I couldn't shake the nagging suspicion that Alexander knew more than he let on. Just how much though? At what cost?

I need to keep an eye on Iris. Whether she was a pawn or a player, she held answers, and I intended to find them.

"Iris," Erwin said sternly. "Do you recognize the names we spoke?"

A heavy silence settled in the room. Why the hell is she silent now?

My fist slammed down on the table, demanding a response.

"Fucking answer," I barked at her. I watched her flinch, throwing a hand over her face.

"Levi," Erwin's voice warned.

"Yes," her voice quivered. "They were all best friends in training. Alexander sees them whenever he goes to Wall Sina."

"Very good. Thank you," Erwin acknowledged. "When was the last time he went to Wall Sina?"

"Last night, I think," she mumbled.

Last night? Alexander was in the damn underground, not Wall Sina. Is this another layer of his deceit? Why does she persist in lying to us? What the hell is she gaining from this?

I couldn't shake the feeling that Iris was entangled in a complex web of deception. Her hesitant responses and half-truths hinted at deeper involvement. The stakes were climbing, and I needed to unravel the truth before the whole damn thing tightened around us.

"Stop fucking lying," I bellowed, my face inches from hers. She stubbornly kept her eyes shut, a futile attempt to shield herself from the reality she couldn't escape.

"Levi," Hange's voice rose in protest.

"Levi, that's enough," Erwin's command cut through the tension, his grip on my shoulder pulling me away forcefully. But my frustration burned hotter than ever.

"Someone please. Tell me what's going on," she pleaded, her tears now a torrential stream. Fingers tangled in her unruly hair, she seemed to be unraveling.

"We have good reason to believe Alexander is a black market dealer in the underground. He's been stealing our equipment. We heightened security, but four Scouts have been murdered, ODM gear stolen," Erwin calmly laid out the damning truth.

Her tears hesitated, suspended in the air. Then, a violent shake of her head denied the allegations. She crumpled to the floor, clutching her stomach. Each sob seemed to echo the weight of the revelations, a heavy burden she couldn't bear.

"Please, Aldridge," Erwin pleaded, desperation lining his voice, but she disregarded it, storming out of the room with a slammed door punctuating her exit. The haunting echo lingered, amplifying the weight of the truth left unspoken.

This woman is nothing but trouble. I tried to follow her, but Erwin's firm grip on my arm halted my pursuit.

"Let her go, Levi," he urged, a knowing look in his eyes.

"What? Why? She's just going straight to Alexander," I protested, my frustration mounting.

"Exactly. She will learn the truth from him. She doesn't believe us now, but she will later," Erwin calmly asserted, a master strategist contemplating the next move.

"Don't tell me you bought that whole show she put on," I grumbled, unconvinced.

"It's obvious she doesn't know," Hange added. "You were way too hard on her."

"I was the only one being reasonable," I insisted, my determination clashing with their reassurances.

"You were being ridiculous," Erwin retorted, his calm demeanor rubbed against the storm brewing within me.

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"So, you just want us to wait here?" I grumbled at Erwin, my impatience bubbling beneath the surface.

"Precisely," he responded, a maddening calmness in his voice. We lingered outside Alexander's door, the hushed whispers within taunting us. Waiting felt like a pathetic charade. Why not just barge in?

Erwin rested his hand on my shoulder, leaning in to share his annoying pearls of wisdom.

"What do you hear? Is it cordial or insincere? Listen to her voice."

I shot him a disdainful look. What difference did it make? Yet, he urged me forward, pushing me to eavesdrop on their conversation.

Against the door, I strained to capture the unfolding drama. Erwin's method felt like a futile exercise in patience, but I complied.

"Just get your shit and let's go," Alexander's whisper cut through.

"No," Iris's voice, defiant and resolute, fought back. "I have something going for me here. You might not, but I do. I don't want any part of whatever the hell you are doing."

A sharp smack resonated through the door, followed by an ominous stumble.

"You stupid bitch," he snarled. "You thought I was giving you a choice? We are leaving."

The words hung in the air like an impending storm, and I could sense that beneath the surface, a tempest was brewing—one that threatened to shatter the fragile peace we clung to.

"No." Her voice, a sharp blade cutting through the air, declared defiance. "I am not going with you. You don't get to dictate my life anymore. I'm done."

The room hung suspended in silence, pregnant with tension. What dark theater of conflict played out behind that door? She was never a willing participant in his malevolent schemes; she was just the unintended casualty in his twisted narrative.

"Ow! You fucking bitch!" Alexander's enraged outburst reverberated, accompanied by the unsettling sound of coughing. Whose desperate breaths were those? The uncertainty clawed at me as chaos erupted within the room—objects crashing, glass shattering. Did he lay his hands on her?

Glancing at Erwin, I sought answers in his eyes, but he signaled restraint. The inexplicable scene played out, leaving me seething with restrained fury.

"Explain to me what's happening?" Erwin demanded, urgency coloring his tone.

"She's—" I began, struggling to articulate the storm of emotions.

"Calm down, Levi. Tell me what's going on in there. Clear your head," Erwin directed.

"He's- fuck- they're arguing," I gritted out. "She's just a puppet."

The door handle jiggled ominously. Erwin motioned us into the shadows of another hall, leaving me with a simmering frustration. Why the hesitation? Why not seize them now? Unanswered questions lingered, intensifying the enigmatic spectacle unfolding before us.

"Come on, you stupid bitch," Alexander spat, dragging Iris down the dimly lit hallway. My irritation flared, and I sidestepped Erwin, positioning myself to observe the twisted spectacle. Alexander, with his hand firmly on her neck and the other cruelly manipulating her left arm, appeared to have picked up a trick or two from my own repertoire. Not that he'd ever admit it.

Iris abruptly halted, locking eyes with Alexander. Tears streamed down her face, the terror etched into every quivering fiber. She didn't want to go.

"What do you think you're doing?" Alexander's anger reverberated through the corridor.

In a surge of defiance, Iris shoulder-checked Alexander, breaking free momentarily. However, her escape was short-lived as Alexander swiftly reined her in. Her desperate cries echoed, a haunting soundtrack to the scene unfolding.

"Be fucking quiet," he snarled, muffling her protests with a callous hand over her mouth. Against the cold, unforgiving wall, she became a mere pawn in his relentless game.

I shot a glance back at Erwin, once again waiting for his signal, but his eyes still signaled restraint. We remained concealed in the shadows, silent witnesses to this grim scene.

"You're a witness," Alexander hissed, his words dripping with malevolence. "You're coming with me. Be a good little whore and work for me."

Her face twisted in agony, each word from his venomous lips tightening his grip around her fragile throat.

"You'll fetch me a good sum. Perhaps your pretty boy will join you in the brothel. If you're lucky, he won't even recognize that face after I'm through."

The glimmer in her eyes faded, replaced by an all-encompassing fear that resonated with a primal part of me. Her desperate gaze sought mine, and a surge of raw fury coursed through my veins, urging me to intervene.

Before I could act, he heartlessly flung her to the cold floor, a swift kick targeting the already fractured ribs. Rage boiled within me, a visceral need to tear him away from her.

Emerging from the shadows, I confronted him, a tempest of red consuming my vision. Each punch was a declaration of my disdain, the muffled symphony of blows echoing the violence of the moment.

As hands yanked me back, a red curtain descended, obscuring the world. I pushed against the unseen barrier, my determination unwavering.

"Levi, breathe," Erwin's voice sliced through the frenzy, a grounding force against the crimson tide. The brick wall met my back as his firm arm pressed into my chest, a stark reminder of the brutal reality unfolding.

Amidst the echoes of Iris's slow sobs, a tempest of fury churned within me, yearning for Alexander's demise. I envisioned my fists soaked in his blood, relishing the sweet symphony of his final gasps. The desire for his death consumed me entirely.

Erwin's piercing gaze attempted to anchor me, his blue eyes reflecting my simmering rage. But indifference shrouded my senses; all I craved was the end of Alexander.

"Iris?" The name tumbled from my lips like an unbidden plea.

On the floor, Iris clung to her tormentor, her sobs intertwining with the chilling aftermath. Hange measured Alexander's pulse, while Miche struggled to detach Iris from the gruesome scene.

"Her ribs. Don't hold her like that."

"She needs medical," urgency coated my words, slicing through the suffocating tension. "Now."

Erwin sought to tether me against the wall, assuring medical attention for Iris. Disregarding his restraint, I surged toward her. Her labored breaths and the shift from fear to pain in her gaze compelled me to act. As I knelt beside her, an unsettling question lingered—

why was I entangled in the web of saving her?

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gracegrove · 1 year

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Wounding Care *Fic Preview*

tw cursing, racism, past parent-child abuse, aging parent, dementia

It's present day, Neil is in his 80s. Billy is in his 50s.

Billy pulled into a slot at the Daylily Skilled Nursing facility and killed the engine. Picking at his lower lip he remained in the car, blankly staring out the windshield. God, he wished he had a cigarette right now, but he'd kicked the habit years ago. Eyeing the time on his watch, he sighed and pulled the keys from the ignition, opening the door. There was no getting around it. Going now was no better than going later.

Walking in, Billy smiled and signed in at the front desk. "Hello again Mr. Hargrove." The employee behind the desk greeted, "How've you been?" "It's Billy, remember?" he gently chided them as he rolled the title uncomfortably off his shoulders. "I'm fine. Where's the old man?" Billy asked, setting down the pen. The greeter checked their watch, "He might be in the day room. I think Cynthia was playing a few rounds of Gin Rummy with him not too long ago." Billy gave the desk a small pat and thanked them before heading off.

Walking into the large day room, Billy looked around. There were a handful of visitors. Children and grandbabies visiting. Residents were sitting with one another and having small conversations or playing cards or dominoes games. But he wasn't there. Billy sighed and shoved his hands in his jeans pockets and continued off down the hallways toward the resident's rooms. 133... 135... 136. The sound of the television could be heard from the hallway and a rough voice calling out after it.

Coming to rest in the doorway, Billy breathed in, watching the scene before him. At the edge of his recliner, the old man shook his fist at the LED screen TV on the wall. "How the hell could you miss that pass! Are you blind?" The game on-screen was old, one even Billy couldn't remember, and his father had games on all the time. "Who's playing?" Billy asked with a casual, but sound wrap of his knuckles on the open door. The man looked over at Billy suspiciously before answering. "Raiders... Bengals. '74." As Billy entered further into the room, the man's expression softened. "Oh, it's you. Well c'mon..." He impatiently waved a hand at Billy, "Sit down before you miss it. Stabler's really handing it to 'em."

Billy sunk down into the overstuffed armchair next to this man. His eyes wandered over that wrinkled face, the peppered mustache waggling back and forth, the brightness still in his eyes. Neil Hargrove. Billy sat and stared. Wondered to himself how he could ever get this close to this man. How things had changed so drastically over the years between them. How really everything had changed. "What's the matter?" Neil asked in concern, catching his eyes. Billy looked away reflexively, "Nothing."

Neil looked past Billy's shoulder at the hallway, voices catching his attention. A teen boy was passing by, his grandmother on his arm as they happily chatted and disappeared from view. Neil sighed, his shoulders drooping as he sunk back into his recliner, a sour expression creeping onto his lips. "What's wrong?" Billy asked, noticing the change. Neil shrugged, "I dunno, I guess I was hoping my son would visit." His eyes flitted to the doorway, "Don't know why. He never visits. Too damn busy." A stone sunk in Billy's gut as he turned his gaze back on the television.

Neil smiled fondly, patting Billy's hand, "You're a good friend Frank. No one else comes to see me. Just you."

#jess writes #fic preview #my fic #billy #billy hargrove #tw child abuse #tw trauma #tw childhood trauma

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lancermylove · 1 year

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Teen MC 32: Change of Heart (Scenarios)

Fandom: Obey Me

Pairing: Demon Bros with gn!MC, platonic.

Warning: None

Requested by: Anon

Prompt: Do you think you could do a part 2 of the bitter teen mc ask that takes place a few years after? Maybe the brothers meet mc again and mc changed a lot as a person and is actually a somewhat nice person?

A/N: Hope you like it!

Series: [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10][11][12][13][14][15][16][17][18][19][20][21][22][23][24][25][26][27][28][29][30][31]

⭐ This HC is a sequel to Teen MC 23.

———————————————

When he saw MC back in Devildom, his first reaction was to run like the wind. What was Diavolo thinking? Was he even thinking? He knew how much torture MC put them through, so why did he bring them back?

"Hey, Mammon. How's it going? Missed me?"

Seriously? Did MC just ask if he missed a person who insulted him, called him a waste of space, and laughed at his pain?

"Wait, don't answer that question. Look, Mammon...I am sorry. Sorry for saying mean things to you...and treating you badly."

He couldn't believe his ears. Someone went through a major personality change for the better. "Oh...um, it's ok, I guess. But don't expect me to be all chummy with ya or anythin'. I'm only forgivin' ya 'cause I'm Mammon the Great."

"But Mammon, I still don't see what's great about you." MC laughed at the demon's shocked expression and quickly added, "I'm joking...kinda."

Once a devil, always a devil, but at least they were nicer than before. He wondered what event in MC's life made them change so drastically.

Asmo noped out of there when he saw MC in the student council room. He wasn't in the mood to take on additional stress. But why was MC back? His brothers clearly told Diavolo they didn't want anything to do with MC and wanted them out of Devildom forever.

"Hey Asmo."

He pretended not to hear them and walked away but stopped when he heard, "Wait, please. I'm sorry."

"Sorry? And you?" The demon was prepared to tear MC verbally.

"Yes, I am sorry. I take back everything I said. You are not ugly and are beautiful. You were right - I was insecure head to toe and picked on others as a coping method."

He stared at them to observe their body language. They were telling the truth. "Aw, thank you for calling me beautiful!" Asmo smiled, his attitude took a 180-degree turn. "MC, I am relieved to see this new you. Um...I am also sorry for saying you will be a lifeless bag of bones, unwanted and hated by the world."

Unbelievable. How could Diavolo go back on his word to never bring MC back to Devildom? Lucifer glared at the prince, causing Diavolo to tense up and raise his hands defensively.

"Lucifer, please don't be upset with Diavolo. I asked him to bring me here."

The Avatar of Pride was mildly surprised by MC's polite tone. Was this their way of toying with him? Maybe manipulation him into accepting their return to Devildom?

"I hurt everyone here and said a lot of mean things. I crossed a lot of limits, and I am very sorry," MC bowed.

Lucifer coldly chuckled, "What prompted this change of heart? MC, do you believe a sorry will suffice for your mistakes? I care not what you said to me, but you deeply hurt my brothers, and that is unacceptable."

MC seemed disappointed. Did they come all the way here just to apologize to him and his brothers? He massaged his temples and sighed, realizing it would be immature to brush aside MC's genuine attempts, "Very well. If all my brothers forgive you, I will do the same."

When he woke up, Satan knew the day would not go well, but he didn't imagine it would be this bad. Did MC want to take his offer to free them from their miserable existence?

"Hi, Satan."

"Don't talk to me," he flat-out refused to talk to them, but this wasn't enough to push MC away.

They tried for days to get the fourth brother to listen to them, and MC finally got their chance when they broke into Satan's room. "Before you get or lose control of your temper, I want to say I am sorry. Very very sorry!"

He lowered his book and stared at them blankly but gave them a chance to continue. "I don't know what was wrong with me back then, but I changed...for the better. I am sorry for comparing you to Lucifer and constantly poking fun at you...even though you tried to be nice to me. Can we please start over again?"

"See. Was it so difficult to be nice to someone? Fine, I forgive you," Satan sighed, "but before you get happy, let me warn you. If you compare me to Lucifer again, I will not forgive you ever again."

"O-Okay," MC chuckled, "I thought you were going to say 'I will put you out of misery once and for all'."

"Do you want me to change my statement?" Satan asked with a hint of amusement.

"N-No! I am fine with your original threat."

Levi started to shake, and his first instinct was to summon Lotan, but Lucifer's hand on his shoulder calmed him a little. They got rid of MC, so why were they back?

"Hey, Levi."

He looked the other way. How dare they "hey Levi" him after everything they said and did to him? Was MC here to check if he was still a low-life otaku? If so, he had an answer for them.

"Why are you talking to an otaku? You know, the same people you said belonged to the lowest life tier."

"I am sorry, Levi. I know a sorry isn't enough for what I did. If I could go back in the past and change everything, I would. Do you think you can give me another chan-"

"No. I don't want anything to do with you."

"That's okay. I will do whatever it takes to get you to forgive me," MC smiled.

"W-What? That's not what I meant!" Levi was at a loss. Did they come back to Devildom just to apologize and make it up to them? But why?

Beel didn't mind MC returning to Devildom as they already said all the worst things they could have said to him. As long as his family didn't have to host them, he didn't care.

"Hi, Beel. What are you eating? It looks good."

"It is good."

"Beel, are you wondering why I am back? I know none of you want me here, and I understand. Don't worry, though. I have a good reason for coming here and will leave in a few days," MC forced a smile.

"Why are you then? Did Diavolo call you back?"

"No. I came back to see all of you. A lot of things happened in my life after I left Devildom, and all of you were right. No one liked me or wanted to be around me...people started to hate me...," MC sighed. "Never mind my past. I came here to apologize to everyone here. You were one of the nicest demons here, but I kept hurting you again and again. Can you forgive me?"

Beel chuckled and nodded, "Yeah. MC, you don't want to talk about your past because it hurts, right? So, don't bring up the past of other people...it's painful for them too. Okay?"

Nope. He wasn't dealing with them and wanted nothing to do with them. Belphie noticed the changes in MC's behavior along with a change in their aura. Guess even bad humans can mature and bloom into better ones. So was MC here to say sorry to them?

"Hi, Belphie. Uh...can you not look at me like you want to kill me?" They nervously laughed, "I am not the same person you knew before. I mean, I am the same person but not the same...you know what I mean."

"Why are you here?"

"To say sorry and thank you to all of you. Sorry for the way I acted, and thank you for putting up with me for as long as you did. Oh, I said sorry to Beel too...and he..."

"Forgave you? That's Beel for you, but I am Belphie, not Beel. A sorry won't erase what you did," his tone was sharp, "but it's nice to see you act humanely."

———————————————

➣ Obey Me Masterlist: [1][2] ➣ Main Masterlist

➣ Buy me a Ko-fi? ➣ Commission: Open || Requests: Closed

#obey me #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me levi #obey me satan #obey me asmo #obey me beel #obey me belphie

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red-dia · 1 year

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It feels like the pacing for this arc and past arcs after the “Phos Goes to the Moon” arc starts to go faster and faster so there is a lot to be desired in between. It feels like the story goes from A to Z without putting in the other letters in between. I really wanted to see how the Gems would react to becoming Lunarians, because their fast acceptance was something I just can’t understand why it was so easy to undergo such a drastic transformation without any qualms. There were also interactions I wanted between some characters that did not happen or were written in an unsatisfying way that felt like the nuance in them just disappears.

I understand that time skips with the length of decades to centuries to millennia means that Gems can change drastically, especially in the setting of the Moon, where the Lunarian world allows the Gems to have more freedom to find themselves and find their own resolutions. Now I just have to hope and pray “The Party at the End” book added in with the special edition Vol 12 preorder will give me some answers and explanations. But part of me also is expecting mostly Cairnmea content in it per usual.

I dunno, part of me feels like Ichikawa is going through both burn out for this series and also wanting to move onto other projects aside from HNK, considering she works with Nintendo and is a character designer for Pokémon.

Agreed to a lot of this; the thing that bothers me the most is that there's so many characters that seem like they're set up to get some kind of development, and then the story kinda leaves it hanging, and for a while I had assumed there would be conflicts and resolutions and closure, but these issues dropped off the face of the earth....

The shift from the gems being hunted for sport for their entire existence only to be integrated among the lunarians, and nobody has hard feelings about it, everybody is happy to have left the earth where they've lived forever, everybody just kinda 👍 their way though it, fine we are lunarians now, okay we can restore dead gems because we changed our minds this is fine actually, whatever happened to Ghost and Lapis though, or whatever complex situation Rutile & Padparadscha had, or whatever are the ramifications of dusted gems coming back to life only to find almost everything they knew is gone and they have to live a new way of life without ever having asked for this :/

Not saying she shouldn't have done it at all, but the lack of extra time to introduce it made it feel pretty ooc to me. Especially given that "everybody has to die at some point" has been admitted as a plot point for a long time, so rushing it wasn't necessary at all. It also feels like there's a lot of missed opportunities...

That's not even mentioning things like the admirabilis, or earth stuff like the ice floes, but i'm still holding onto the hope there might be some more answers for that in the upcoming chapters. I'm also waiting to see if there's interesting stuff in the vol 12 booklet (though i'm not getting my hands on it, so i'm not sure if anything will be shared), but i'm not expecting much either though, but at least it might be fun!

+ regarding ichikawa being burned out, i'm not sure. I do think hnk is important to her because she put a lot of effort into it even when it's not necessary (cf artbooks, updated pages for manga releases, etc). If i had to guess, either she 1. happened to have a different vision of the story and she's fine with that, and/or decided on a deadline (ch108?) and eventually realized she was running late and had to scrap things/rush the story a bit and couldnt say everything she wanted to. The second option seems doesn't seem unlikely to me since hnk can only go so far with 20 pages per month, and she's trying to supplement it with additional material.

Either way yeah, i don't exactly know how hard hnk is on her since she takes hiatuses pretty liberally when she's working on other projects. A hiatus is still pretty different from a finished series though, so you may be onto something if she is trying to diversify her line of work...?

#TUMBLRS EDITOR DELETED CHUNKS OF TEXT LIKE 3 TIMES i had to rewrite. sorry the last part is a bit tldr but violence&hatred for this websute #i hadn't talked about hnk for a while whoa.... pretty much my thoughts on anything ever since the gems arrived on the moon #disclaimer a lot of what i'm saying pertains to my own enjoyment etc etc i don't write a lot so i'm not qualified to speak too much on it #asks

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cai-yue · 1 year

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Thank you @blackmonitor for the tag! Here we go! I kept thinking about how I should make this list because throughout my life I had too many fictional crushes 🤣 So I decided to make a "retrospective" of those who stayed in my mind for a greater time!

(actually, I decided to go crazy and explain the freaking list 😬 I've been working and studying so hard and I miss so much this type of silly fun thing that I completely overdid it 🤭)

1. Luke Skywalker - little me used to be obsessed with him and he remained unmatched in the Star Wars universe for several years until a certain blue guy took his place! But even now he's still a crush of mine.

2. Sirius Black - Sirius remained unmatched not only in the HP universe but for teenager me he was my absolute favorite. It all began when I developed this weird sympathy at the beginning of the 3rd book and the obsession skyrocketed at the end for obvious reasons.

3. Anakin Skywalker - judge all you want but this is a sad truth in my early teen years. He didn't top his son, obviously, but considering Luke wasn't even born 99% of the prequels... I know some people will find this very problematic, but rest assured I don't like this character the way I liked him 20 years ago but I had to list him here because it's part of my story I and think this whole thing quite hilarious today.

4. Aragorn - Aragorn was my LOTR crush back when I was younger! Even though he is not anymore I still understand all the appeal the younger me saw! Totally worth mentioning

5. Sesshoumaru - It was the beginning of my anime/manga era, which lasted many years, and if I had to pick a few crushes Sesshoumaru HAS to be one of them. I read many fics about him and these fics were the reason I managed to learn English 70% on my own (I know, speaking and writing skills are not the best, but reading and listening which are the ones I use the most are ok). I'm not much into anime/manga anymore but every time I look at him I feel I go back in time!

6. Kira Sakuya (Angel Sanctuary) - Even though I would not read this manga again because this is not the type of material I feel good reading anymore I do used to be obsessed about it and this character (be aware of great spoilers if you google it). I had to mention him because back then I had a great time.

7. Elrond - After I don't know how many times rewatching LOTR something was drastically changed (I got a little bit older I guess) inside of me and now Elrond has my heart (I won't say he is unmatched because Tolkien has simply too many characters in all his creation and well... You know...)

8. Solas - I think we finally have a crush that comes from a fully adult phase of my life! When I played Dragon Age: Inquisition I was away from games for a few years and I took this one out of pure intuition from my brother's selection. My intuition was 100% right and after many stressful years I went back to a world that made me feel at home and because Solas was my crush back then I had to mention him!

9. Thrawn - My most recent obsession hahaha. Not so recent though because it's been (at least) 5 years since he appeared in my life and Luke lost his number 1 title. There are way too many things I can say about my history with this character but thinking back to when I first read the old trilogy I think is interesting to note that I remember not liking him that much at first and not considering him crush material. I've never been so wrong 😅

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chaterush · 9 months

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My Top 10 Playlist

The song Blue Hair by TV Girl became my favorite song when I started diving into understanding the meaning of the lyrics.

Here’s what AI said:

These lyrics appear to describe a narrative involving a person who is trying to help someone, likely a close friend or loved one, navigate through a difficult situation. The lyrics touch upon themes of identity, self-esteem, and change.

"She asked me how to be funny, but that's not something you can teach": The person is seeking advice on how to be funny, but the singer suggests that humor is not something that can be taught or learned easily.

"What seemed so blue in the sunlight, by the night was a pale green": This could symbolize how something that appears one way during the day can change or lose its luster when looked at in a different light or perspective.

"And I tried to hold her, but it didn't really last long": The singer attempted to support or comfort the person but wasn't successful in doing so.

"She's getting older, I guess she's gotta cut her blue hair off": This line might be symbolic, suggesting that as she matures or changes, she needs to let go of certain aspects of her identity or appearance.

"She asked me if she was pretty, well, it's clear that the girl's a fraud": The person may be struggling with self-esteem and questioning their own beauty, with the singer implying that their concerns are unfounded.

"There's really no way of winning if in their eyes you'll always be a dumb blonde": This suggests that the person is facing judgment or stereotypes from others based on their appearance or perceived intelligence.

"And she cried over nothing, so there was nothing I could do to stop her from cutting her beautiful blue hair off": It appears that the person is going through emotional turmoil and takes drastic actions, such as cutting their hair, possibly as a coping mechanism.

"It looked like cotton candy and just as quick to get licked away": This line may illustrate how something beautiful or sweet can be fleeting or easily lost.

"Last I heard she was living with a boy who acts his age": The person seems to have moved on and found companionship with someone more mature.

"And I guess I'll just miss her even though she isn't even really gone, but things are just different ever since she cut her blue hair off": The singer expresses a sense of loss and nostalgia for the person they used to know, even though they are still around, but things have changed significantly.

Overall, these lyrics seem to convey a story of change, self-discovery, and the complexities of relationships and personal identity.

#song lyrics #aesthetic #playlist #scrapbook journal #scrapbook art

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dimdiamond · 9 months

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Lmao just found out one of my fav tintin fanpages here that once was a shipper is anti haddotin and kinda haddock now and it made me all sad🥲really don't like that when people after a while completely change their opinions and become a hater

I think I know which one you're talking about? Anyway it doesn't matter, whoever they are, good for them I guess.

I don't understand either how can someone change that drastically but in cases like these I just roll my eyes and laugh a bit and go on with my life.

I have noticed that whoever is strongly against this ship tends to misunderstand Haddock's character and in the end push him away so it doesn't surprise me they end up hating him. At this rate they have completely missed the point of his character and value.

We started shipping Haddock with Tintin because of his already established care and loyalty that he has shown to him as his best friend and partner, it wasn't the other way around. Thankfully I haven't seen many, seeing the romantic potential or not between the two, who hate him or disregard him completely.

Anyone is free to like and believe whatever they want and even change opinions and preferences. Just remember that this is just what it is. A change. You're not better than the other who hasn't changed opinion. And in an extreme case like this one, where a shipper becomes an anti, I hope they feel better with themselves without making a fool of themselves and not harass the ones who didn't follow the same path to "enlightenment".

Don't be sad, Nonie. For every person we have to say goodbye, there will be more to say hello!

#seriously don't feel sad #i know the feeling but it seriously doesn't worth much of your energy and time #people change their minds and sometimes not necessarily for the best or in the same way as us #we just keep moving forward and look around us for who's close to us #tintin #captain haddock #archibald haddock #the adventures of tintin #haddotin

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aloneandunreal · 1 year

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may 27, 23

my birthday is less than a month away. i started this blog when i was sixteen going on seventeen, and now i am turning twenty. it's weird how fast time passes, or at least how fast i think it does. in my last posts, i've probably mentioned being anxious about leaving my teenage years behind. i still am, of course, but as i'm nearing the end of nineteen, i do feel like i am ready for my twenties. at least partly. it feels weird to type out (and say aloud). twenty. i'm going to be twenty. it's just another reminder that nothing lasts forever. that felt cringeworthy to type, but i decided to anyway.

as always, i've been thinking about the past. specifically my freshman year of high school. i don't know why but it's always a time i look back on and feel a pit in my stomach. it's hard to explain, but the person i was at fourteen is someone i've locked away forever. i've never felt how i felt at fourteen ever again in my life, if that makes any sense. it was like my brain was wired differently. which, well, obviously. but even at thirteen, fifteen, sixteen... the way i was and the way i thought at those times in my life was not the same as when i was fourteen. i know it sounds stupid, but it was just a year of my life i cannot believe happened. looking back, it was like someone else was controlling my body while the real me watched. but maybe that was the real me, and now the only remnants left of her are old photos, videos, and memories in my head. a part of me that won't be reopened.

it was as if, at the time, i acted older than i was, but at the same time i was a typical fourteen year old. or trying to be. the pit in my stomach i get thinking about it is a mix of nostalgia and sadness. i can't believe that was me. and the funny thing is, some of that year i can't even remember. there are parts that are seemingly blocked out of my memory. sometimes i wish i could go back just to remember what it was like. but then i internally smack myself because that's stupid. that was one of the worst years of my life. why would i want to go back? i can't answer that question.

perhaps it was still the childlike wonder, but there is a part of me that feels as if fourteen year old me was so much more creative than i am now. i wrote so freely, about anything and everything. it was like i didn't care about being cringe, i just wrote and wrote and wrote. and most of it wasn't even bad. yes, a bit cringe, of course, that's to be expected. but it wasn't written badly. that's something which makes me sad. i don't think i'll ever be able to write like that ever again in my life. maybe i'm forgetting, but i didn't used to be so much of a control freak who wanted everything to be perfect (at least in some aspects of my life). i just lived. i hated myself, as i always have, but for some reason there was an unknown confidence within me that has not shown her face since.

i know this sounds dumb, me saying stuff like "my brain was wired differently when i was fourteen." it was. everyone's was. but i guess what i'm trying to say is that i was just so different, and have not been that way since. after june of my freshman year, everything seemed to change drastically. my mind, my thoughts, how i behaved.

the only answer i have to why is that i switched medications. the medication i was on did not work well with me, but there are parts of it i miss. not the weight gain, or the suicidal ideation. rather, the absence of a lot of my anxiety. the freedom to do and be who i wanted. wear what i wanted. it was like, after i got taken off those meds, i turned into a shell of a person. i was never the same. i'd never want to go through what i went through again, but i miss the positives. i guess that's what i've realized after all these years.

in old diaries, i would write about life. i would write stories. i wouldn't reminisce like i do now.

i know this sounds like i peaked in high school, but trust me, i didn't. i suppose i just am mourning my childhood and teenage years. i've never related to the following mitski lyric: "i was so young when i behaved 25, yet now i find i've grown into a tall child." i wish i could have been a normal child. a normal teenage girl. and now that i am entering my twenties, i have to really be an adult now. that's it. my teenage years are over. i don't miss them; rather, i wish things had been differently. i want to go back in time and be different.

i feel things entirely too deeply, and think about people years later that never think about me. friends i've had who i know don't reminisce about our experiences together (but i do).

i want to discover again, i want to learn. i want that childlike wonder back. but of course that is impossible. for the small amount of time i was able to have it, it was gone just as quick.

listening to certain songs, i can almost smell and feel what it was like when i was fourteen. being in my childhood bedroom over the summer puts me back in the same headspace. how everything has changed, yet my room has stayed the same. i wonder how different things would have been if i'd never been taken off that medication. if my one friend hadn't moved. if i never stopped dyeing my hair. i wonder, i wonder, i wonder, but i'll never know. it's probably a good thing i don't.

another typical post of me thinking about the past. again. it's so typical and boring. that's why i wish i could write like i used to. without a care in the world. i was so sad and it showed through my writing. descriptive, tragic, and somehow beautiful. i'm romanticizing it, yes, but it's not hurting anyone but myself to do so.

fourteen was a very bad year for me. hardly anything good came out of it. but part of me, weirdly enough, wants to feel what it was like again. the positives, of course. and maybe some of the negatives too. i sound crazy, but i just want the small of childlike wonder i had back. it was hardly there, but it was still there. i had it in my hands for a very small moment in time.

i don't know why i'm like this. it's hard to explain. overall, i suppose i just wish things had been different. i won't have my teenage years back. i'm turning twenty. off to new beginnings, i suppose. but it's all going to be so different. maybe that's a good thing, though. it's probably what i need. to move on, and leave my old self in the past. it's hard, though. i can't help but mourn what i never had.

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amysubmits · 1 year

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Hey! First of all, I love your blog. It's great to read about a real relationship in the middle of all the overly sexualised blogs.

Me & my partner used to have a sort of dom/sub dynamic at the beginning, but a lot of outside things have come in the way and we are pretty vanilla nowadays and going through a bit of a rough patch in life in general. Any tips on how to restart the dynamic from the ground up and to find time and motivation for it to begin with?

Hey :)

Aww, thank you!

Cd and I have been through kind of a wide range of life changes since we started D/s and we've found that what works best for us is adjusting our D/s to accommodate our current life situation, rather than the other way around.

For example, CD has mostly worked from home, but we had a period of time where he worked outside of the house for a while. When he had that job, he was basically only able to text me at his break. We had previously had a rule that I'd ask him before spending money, but that was less practical when it would take a few hours before he could say yes or no sometimes. But, we were able to create new routines/rituals based on him working outside of the house, like me preparing his lunch that he took to work and making sure he had a weeks worth of work clothing ready each Sunday.

As far as how to go about it, I'd probably start by having a conversation about what you both miss about the time period when you were doing more intentional D/s, and try to discuss why it wasn't maintainable and what changes you could make to it to try to make it more maintainable. If you find that one or both of you had something that felt really good to you, but isn't maintainable, then see if you can think up alternative things you could do that might fit the same need.

For example, maybe you used to have similar work schedules and the sub would bring a cup of coffee to the dom each morning and they just sit together as they slowly wake up with their coffees. But now the sub goes in to work earlier so you can't share coffee together without the dom getting less sleep which doesn't feel reasonable. Then you could look at the core of why you liked the coffee ritual. Maybe you decide it made you both feel like you were starting out your day while thinking about each other so it created a meaningful sense of connection. So then you'd look at coming up with some other ritual that you could do that would make both people feel reminded of your connection each morning. Maybe an alternative way to accomplish something similar would be to have coffee separately, but they both agree to think of the other during their coffee, and then after the dom is up and has had their coffee, they exchange texts sharing something about their coffee-thoughts for that morning. "While having my coffee just now I thought about how hard you laughed at my bad joke yesterday." And then the sub will send their coffee thought in response.

I guess the other thing that comes to mind is, if it feels like it takes an excess of energy to restart, then you might be setting the expectations too high, trying to make drastic changes all at once? Maybe see if you can just take baby steps with adding in one rule, protocol, ritual, etc at a time.

Hope this helps! Good luck to you guys. :)

#asks #d/s

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tigermousse · 1 year

Text

England Exchange

An International Affair

genres: dating simulator, amare, slice-of-life, romance, drama, comedy complete disappointment

Overall:

Story: 2/5

Characters: 2/5

Romance: 2/5

Visual: 5/5

Originality: 2/5

My Rating: 2/5

Recommended for: [no one] only for those who want to take a break from otome games, because I'm already reluctant to start another game. It is like going back to sleep after waking from a nightmare

I wanted to give overall impression first of all to show how bad is this game, before starting to explain why it is so bad. After finishing three routes (Mark, Danny, Ji Hyo) I would gave it rating of 3/5, but after finishing other routes I've changed rating to 2/5. I have to say that I love most of older Hanako Games' visual novels. The Confines of Crown and Magical Diary: Horse Hall are my favorites, but even smaller games like Date Warp and Cute Knight series left nice memories.

So I was expecting of England Exchange at least engaging story, interesting characters and dramatic situations. How wrong I was.

I mostly play free indie games, with some exceptions. If the game is free, I'm giving it higher rating even if it is not perfect. I can understand the amount of work and thoughts that was put into it just to show it to the world. But if it is a paid game, you have to know on which trash you are spending your $15.

First of all, that is NOT a visual novel. It is basically a dating-sim in the form of a visual novel. So don't expect deep storyline, personal growth of MC, moral choices, changing the course of the story drastically, or at least interesting characters with backstories. Well, they all have backstories, because they need at least some excuses to behave like idiots or complete assholes.

England Exchange is called by developers "light romantic comedy" and the description promises us perspectives of marriage, learning cultural differences and pursuing 8 different characters - or 7 for each gender, two of Love Interests [if I can call them that] are straight heterosexual. You're playing as an American student, who, on a whim, decided to spend 6 month studying in England to broaden his/hers horizons.

"Find a new career, meet your future spouse, or perhaps just get your heart broken… But why worry about that? Go on, have a laugh!"

The game wasn't particularly funny for me. Maybe it is not my kind of humor, maybe I had to laugh about how silly MC is and how bland and one-dimensional other characters are, I'm not sure. At least I've learned that in American and British English some things have same name, but mean different things and some things have different names.

As for the romance part, it wasn't very romantic either. There is no chemistry between characters, relationships seems rushed, starting mostly because the MC decides it is time to hook up with someone, not because they have a crush, or at least interested in someone in particular.

At one point story tries to turn itself into a mystery, but if you have at least half of the brain, unlike MC, you can understand who's the culprit from the start. The only mystery this game can provide is the secret how it can turn from bad to worse.

I've played only older version of the game, but I guess that I haven't miss anything except the possibility to strip characters naked.

+The best part of the game is graphics. Visuals are fine, characters look handsome, cute, different and interesting, despite the fact that for each character there is only one CG for route.

+The only wholesome thing that I liked about the story is that all sex is consensual. Before having it, even the worst characters are speaking to each other whether they want it or not. But sexual scenes are very brief, the whole prelude is about undressing and no description about what happens next. Which doesn't surprise me, considering absolute absence of chemistry between any characters. So if you're looking for something steamy, or at least more passionate, you have to search elsewhere.

Minor notice that for the game about England, it definitely has too many mentioning of Russia.

CHARACTERS:

You have to know that all the characters in this game, including MC, are one-dimensional cliches. So don't expect meaningful dialogues or some actions out of character, or personal growth from them. They will act exactly the same from the beginning till the end, except for the time when they will behave as a complete assholes.

For the 6 months living in hostel with others, MC doesn't make any real friends or connections with others, even if they decide not to date anyone. Which at first seems strange, considering they're working together and don't have much to do except for hanging out around the hostel. On the other hand, it is completely understandable, due to the fact that MC has no personality whatsoever.

Almost all romance routes are extremely rushed, because the game is pretty short, and after finishing it once, most of the time you'll have to skip read dialogue.

Even the pairings on the beach seems all wrong, which shows how little the developers actually care about their characters. OK, we know that Brandon is with Aasi, and Peggy likes Danny, also it was mentioned before; but Angelo should be with Ashley, because they definitely have traditional upbringing, and she is the one who cooks and have all ladylike hobbies. On the other hand, Ji Hyo with Mark would make bohemian artistic couple, in their own world.

In the beginning of the game you are choosing to play as Male of Female (both names changeable). It will affect the place of your work and which asshole will be your rival, Brandon or Aasi. The story otherwise is pretty much the same.

You are playing for spineless nineteen-year-old pushover from New York. A first-year student at college. Never dated anyone back in New York, probably spent most of their life under a rock. Immediately falls for the for the guy who welcomes them into the hostel, despite the fact that he looks like a serial killer. Found in the local bar more beautiful people then in the Big Apple. They change opinions on a whim, don't try to understand other people, see nothing around themselves, defenseless, don't stand for themselves at all. They seems pretty much prejudiced towards some other people, but completely oblivious about others.

You'll want to gag yourself watching how they behave themselves on some routes.

My rating: 2/5 [one point for Malia being cute, dark and curly and the other for Flynn standing up for Ashley]

LOVE INTERESTS (if I can call them so, SPOILERS AHEAD):

Mark

I've started with Mark's route and despite being not particularly romantic, this route is probably the best that this game can offer. From this point game will get only worse. Despite him being Russian, Mark is the only character in the whole game that I liked, not to mention that he's also the most handsome guy.

Mark is blatantly honest individual, who is used to speak everything which is on his mind in a form of philosophical phrases. He seems a bit out of this world. Most of the time he's studying and reading books in the library. Because he's so reserved and straightforward, Mark has problems with communicating with other hostel inhabitants. Maybe he has kind of Asperger syndrome, or it is just his upbringing (at least his backstory explains why he has problems with communication). I don't see how his way of honest speaking hurts anyone more then sexist comments of Angelo, Peggy's nagging, leave alone toxicity of Brandon and Aasi.

I have no idea why Mark is considered the weird one, when he's no more strange than any other character in this hostel, and is definitely not an asshole. I would say that MC is bigger asshole in his route. Basically MC is the only one who he is talking to, and she doesn't treat him nicely. Saying that she doesn't understands him, but does absolutely nothing to speak to him more or do something for him. She's complaining that they don't see each other, but when he's following her on a trip, she tells him off. If she doesn't like him so much, why she agreed to date him?

This route was far from perfect. I like how Mark pursued MC, though. Apart from Brendon and Aasi (whom we don't count), he's the only one who seems interested in relationship with MC and shows it. Romance was rushed, also I don't understand how I got the best ending, if most of the time MC was complaining that she doesn't spend enough time with Mark and they barely even speak. And when they do, MC complains how weird Mark is. So I assume that most of their romance have developed in the next several years before the final scene.

My rating 3,5/5

Angelo

Despite looking 14 year old, Angelo is the most sexist character that you will pursue in visual novels ever. Honestly, even in Japanese VNs you probably won't find a character that is talking so much nonsense about difference in men and women work, and fulfillment as a women. Until you start dating him, it would be all that he's talking about.

Shouldn't the point of the story be in changing, at least slightly his way of thinking? Probably, but not in this story. The only thing that you'll get from him is accepting you as you are, "hardly a woman at all". Eh? Thank you very much? Only in the MC is agreeing with everything he says, she could start a relationship with Angelo, otherwise she will complain about his laziness and mansplaining till the end of the game.

His romantic route would be pretty sweet. I would say it could be the most romantic in the game, if we didn't know that he's expecting of MC to start her life as a human incubator right after they'll tie the knot.

My rating: 2/5

Danny

Danny looks exactly like a serial killer, and I don't understand why MC have a sudden crush on him from the beginning.

It is not surprising that later he tells that he was in jail for several months. Is just surprised me that they let him out. He has trust issues, anger issues, he is jealous and possessive. Probably will strangle MC after misunderstanding with some other men.

If you're in the route with someone else, Peggy brakes up with Danny after he tried to strangle MC, but our MC is not that smart. Probably they completely lack sense of self-preservation.

Remember when I told that Mark's route was rushed? It is nothing in comparison to Danny's. With Danny you are getting marriage proposal, - or should I call it a marriage ultimatum - after dating him for a couple of months.

My rating: 2/5 [a point for trusting MC after the incident]

Brandon

Before starting the Brendon route I've already learned that he is the worst from comments on Steam. But I kinda like to experience pain. Not a pain in the ass though.

Actually, you could expect him being an asshole from the start, even if you haven't played as Flynn, because Brandon's no less sexist then Angelo. But Malia is so stupefied by his American torso that she prefers to forget about it. So she doesn't mind his absolute incompetence at work, mansplaining, rudeness to other people. And the fact that Ashley, the nicest and friendliest being in the hostel, had a break-up with Brandon and doesn't even want to talk about it, however we can guess who's to blame for it.

Since the first date Brandon starts saying rude comments about MC's appearance and behavior, but we don't pay attention to it because he's so good-looking, right?

The worst end is so humiliating that even I felt like shit. Thank you very much, Hanako Games, I'm playing games for this exact feeling (no)

There is no happy ending for Brandon, only bad and the worst. I can't imagine what his special ending in newer version is, but I doubt that I want to know. Who wants a happy ending which ends in a relationship with Brendon?

My rating: 0/5

Ji Hyo

Ji Hyo is an aspiring artist from Korea. Inspired, but distant, has sort of an identity crisis and mood swings, her backstory explains only part of it. Her story is not very interesting as for an artist. At least she's ok. See, in this review I'm already praising the character for being just OK, even is she's boring.

My rating: 3/5

Ashley

Ashley is a Disney princess from the local pub. She is nice to everyone, sees only best in people, oblivious to all evil in the world and looks like a Marilyn Monroe. But somehow when it comes to MC, Ashley suddenly is not so nice and trusting. Which is a thing to actually consider.

She is ready to trust some guys from the streets who she just met, but after the accident she doesn't trust Flynn, whom she knows for 5 months (not a long time, but is still more than 5 minutes).

Also it is not a secret for everybody who has eyes that Ashley acts promiscuous and getting tips for showing her boobs to everyone who is interested.

My rating: 2/5 [a point for being extremely cute]

Aasi

Aasi is the second vile character in the game. But in fact I can't hate her as much as I hate Brendon. At least she is more complicated then the most characters in the game. If you are playing for Malia, you have no illusions about her, also she's spilling her beans several times, lowering the guard. But Flynn is totally oblivious to her background.

In fact Aasi is really not so bad as Brandon. She's manipulative and not completely honest, but her background explains her behavior (not justifying, but explaining), at least she doesn't insult Flynn constantly. Also despite her seeing other people, I won't be surprised that deep inside she had some feelings for Flynn. Mostly for his wallet of course, but at least she acts more like human being. Also she told from the beginning that their relationship is non-commited, no strings attached.

Also Flynn is obviously not so stupid as Malia, because the whole time with Aasi he feels that something is off, but still goes on with the relationship.

There is only one ending for Aasi: bad. What did you expected? Maybe she got better ending if Flynn had enough money to buy her from all other suitors.

My rating: 2,5/5

Peggy

I never pursued Peggy with any of MCs, because after finishing all other routes I've decided that I've had enough of this nonsense to go through another disappointment of a character. Also I can't stand people that are so talkative and energetic all the time.

#england exchange #hanako games #visual novel #otome #video games #my review #personal #Tiger Mousse #video game

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gracegrove · 1 year

Text

Wounding Care

tw cursing, racism and use of a slur, past parent-child abuse, aging parent, dementia

It's present day, Neil is in his 80s. Billy is in his 50s.

Coming to rest in the doorway, Billy breathed in, watching the scene before him. At the edge of his recliner, the old man shook his fist at the LED screened TV on the wall. "How the hell could you miss that pass! Are you blind?" The game on-screen was old, one even Billy couldn't remember, and his father had games on all the time. "Who's playing?" Billy asked with a casual, but sound wrap of his knuckles on the open door. The man looked over at Billy suspiciously before answering. "Raiders... Bengals. '74." As Billy entered further into the room, the man's expression softened. "Oh, it's you. Well c'mon..." He impatiently waved a hand at Billy, "Sit down before you miss it. Stabler's really handing it to 'em."

Neil looked past Billy's shoulder at the hallway, voices catching his attention. A teen boy was passing by, his grandmother on his arm as they happily chatted and disappeared from view. Neil sighed, his shoulders drooping as he sunk back into his recliner, a sour expression creeping onto his lips. "What's wrong?" Billy asked, noticing the change. Neil shrugged, "I dunno, I guess I was hoping my son would visit." His eyes flitted to the doorway, "Don't know why. He never visits. Too damn busy." A stone sank in Billy's gut as he turned his gaze back on the television.

Neil smiled fondly, patting Billy's hand, "You're a good friend Frank. No one else comes to see me. Just you."

Billy swallowed thickly, it was happening again. Neil leaned over in his chair, "Tell me, how's the wife? Your kids causing you any trouble? Hey!" He snapped his fingers happily, "Wanna smoke?" Neil reached a hand into the breast pocket of his shirt, confusion overtaking his expression as he withdrew an empty hand. He quickly patted down the sides of his chair and checked the end table before his eyes fixated on someone out in the hall.

"You see that!" He pointed feverishly. "What?" Billy asked, turning his head. Neil pointed an accusing finger at the nurse in the hall as she pulled a cigarette carton from her pocket and walked away. "You see!" He nearly cried, "That woman is always stealing from me! You can't trust anybody!" He shook his head with vigor, as he clasped Billy's hand, "I don't like the type of people that hang around here..." Billy sighed, looking at his father's hand, "They're just trying to help you." Neil snatched his hand back and crossed his arms angrily. "Yeah... help themselves."

The pair fell silent, letting the din from the football game fill the space. A knock on the door grabbed Billy's attention. "Billy?" There was a nurse at the door. "Do you have a moment to talk?" Billy looked at his father's sullen expression before nodding and rising from his chair. "I'll be right back," he promised.

Leaving the room, Billy followed them to the nurse's station at the end of the hall. "Billy how are you doing lately?" they started. He hated this question. It was all fluff and filler. Like anyone here gave a shit. "Fine. What's going on?" Billy cut to the chase. The nurse pulled a file off the desk and flipped it open, "We're renewing client treatment plans as a part of the annual continuation of care contracts, and as you are your father's legal guardian..." The nurse let the sentence hang in the air as they handed Billy the paperwork to look over.

"Does anything need to even change?" Billy asked, flipping between one page and the other. None of this hardly ever made much sense to him. He just needed everything to work. The nurse opened an iPad and logged into the patient portal. "Well, your father has been doing quite well since he joined us here last year following his stroke." They scrolled through some information, "However, over the past few months, there have been noted symptoms of vascular dementia. You've seen this too yes?"

Billy absentmindedly chewed on his thumb, eyes glancing back down the hall. There had been signs. Increasing frequencies of forgetfulness. Even more frequent outbursts (than typical) of anger. And losing memories... not remembering. Forgetting who Billy was. Forgetting that Max existed. And Susan. They had been to the neurologist, and it wasn't looking good.

"So what're you gonna change?" Billy asked quietly.

A loud crash at the opposite end of the hall put a pause on the conversation. Billy felt a sick sensation twist through him in recognition as he turned on his heel and ran toward the commotion.

At the opposite end of the hallway, in front of an exit door, Neil was being held back by a group of staff. "Get your hands off me you damn wetbacks! You can't keep me here!" He yelled. "I demand to speak to your supervisor! Si, comprende?!" He was attempting to push through them and reach the door as Billy arrived.

"Hey... hey. It's ok. Just take a breath." Billy coaxed, stepping up and trying to calm him down. Neil was fuming as he looked Billy in the eyes. "You!" He jabbed a finger at him. "You're behind this? I should've known. Billy." Neil spoke his name with distaste. "Always ruining things!"

Billy looked at his father shocked. "You know who I am?" Neil scoffed, "Course I do!" he looked around at the nursing staff, and then smacked Billy square in the chest with a semi-closed fist. Billy winced instinctively, but the blow didn't hold even a fraction of the power that it used to.

Neil's temper was rising. "You did this to me! You had me hauled in here!" Billy was taken aback, hurt. "I didn't do anything to you!" he swore in anguish. "I wanna go home. You're taking me home. Do you understand me?" Neil demanded. "Yeah..." Billy was breathing heavily, his heart racing. The face staring at him was aged, but Billy felt like he was 14 again. It was taking everything he had to keep his grasp on reality.

"But, do you know where home is?" Billy posed feebly. Neil grit his teeth, his face reddening, "Don't be stupid! California!" "We're in Columbus...," Billy corrected half-heartedly. Neil stepped in close to Billy, his nostrils flaring, "Don't tell me where I am!" The man ground out low. Billy tensed.

The situation was quickly falling out of control, and Billy could feel it slipping through his fingers like fine grains of sand in an hourglass turned backwards.

"Look... Lets, let's just go home. Ok?" Billy pleaded with his father. Neil shoved him, "You are such a disappointment!" The words were biting. Each syllable ripped off the bone by sharp jagged teeth and spat back at Billy with as much force as ever. "Always have been, always will be. Worthless!"

He shoved Billy again, harder. "You're trying to put me away? Hurt me?" He questioned with malice. "I haven't seen you for years! And now you show up? Huh?" Neil continued to shove, forcing Billy with all the weight his aged body could muster. "This is how you repay me?!" Neil yelled as he brought a resounding open palm across Billy's face. "Huh? Answer me, boy!"

Neil grabbed Billy by the shirt, the staff panicking and swarming around the elderly man. Billy was finding it hard to breathe. He needed to get a grip on himself. It was awful, but it couldn't get much worse. "C-can you take..." Billy huffed, "Take him back to his room. Please."

"Come back here!" Neil screamed, as a pair of large nurses forcibly helped him back to his room. "Billy?! Billy!" His raucous voice rang in the hall.

Billy faltered, his feet tripping, until his back finally hit solid mass, sinking down the nearby wall. He finally caved. A great shattering sob wracking his body, as he collapsed to the ground. The nurses had left. The spectacle was over. The storm had passed.

Great rolling tears fell from Billy's eyes, as he attempted to calm himself, only causing the river to run deeper. It wasn't going to stop until nothing was left. Billy startled at a hand suddenly on his shoulder, a young nurse standing over him with a plastic cup of water in her hand. She withdrew with a regretful look on her face. "Shit, I'm sorry... I uh, thought you could use a glass of water." Billy wiped his hand flat along his face, hoping to stifle the torrent. He nodded weakly and reached for the cup. "Thanks," he croaked.

"Is there anything else I can get you?" the nurse asked kindly. Billy took a small sip, recentering. "Can you get me a Coke?"

When Billy felt composed, he headed back down the hallway, a heavy feeling nestling under his ribcage. Neil was seated at the small dining room table in the kitchenette area, a game of Pyramid underway with his favorite deck of playing cards.

Billy cracked the chilly can of Vanilla Coca-cola and placed it on the tabletop. His father eyeballed it in wonder, reaching out and grasping it, "my favorite!" He smiled fondly, taking a nostalgic slurp. "How'd you know?" Billy sighed, resting his hands on the back of the empty chair opposite his old man. "Lucky guess I suppose." Neil's eyes crinkled in pleasure as he raised up the can for a long drink, sighing in satisfaction as he let the can down. Billy scooted the chair out and sat down, his face serious. "Do you know where you are right now?" Neil took another slug, looking casually around the room, "Some poor bastard's... But, uh... no."

Billy took a deep calming breath, "do you remember anything about today?" Neil took his finishing drink and put the can back on the table. "Yah. Course!" he interjected, offended. "I went to work. Swung by the Deli for lunch..." Neil listed. His gaze became unfocused as he thought. "I, uh... I was looking for my wife." He looked at Billy a moment, before continuing. "She wasn't home. So, I uh... went to find her." He shrugged, "she's been staying out a lot lately." He finished the thought aloud, suspicion thick in his voice. Neil leaned back in his chair, returning to his card game.

Billy looked down, tears pricking at already reddened eyes. "You okay?" Neil asked, watching Billy carefully. Billy huffed out a small laugh, "where was this when I was a kid?" Neil leaned forward over the table. "What? You gotta speak up if you wanna be heard. Y'know you remind me of my boy?" Neil observed. "Sweet. But... soft. I tried to toughen him up." Neil emphasized his point with a clenched fist.

Billy sniffed harshly, giving his head a subtle shake, "who am I?" Neil looked at Billy perplexed. "What kinda question is that? How the hell should I know?" Billy scoffed. "Dammit, this is frustrating. I have you for 5 minutes, only to lose you again."

"Who am I?" Billy asked again. "Say my name." He begged. "Frank!" Neil provided. "That's your friend." Billy corrected, hope beginning to slip from sight. "Neil." The man guessed. "That's you." Billy pressed in frustration. "I'm Neil?" Neil asked in amazement. "Yeah," Billy replied sadly.

"Dad... Say my name."

Neil looked at Billy, struggling, searching the younger man's face for an answer. Any answer. "I... I don't. I don't know." Neil responded.

"I'm Billy. I'm your son," his voice was cracking. Billy wiped at his eyes, renewed tears threatening his resolve.

"Sorry to interrupt," a knock came at the door. "Mr. Hargrove, I have your dinner. Would you like me to set it aside for you?" the staff member asked from the doorway with a tray in their hands. Billy waved them in, "Come in, he'll have it now." Helping Neil clean up his playing cards, Billy set down the tray and thanked the employee, before returning to his seat.

Picking up the dull knife, Neil cut into his meal, but after cutting a few pieces he pulled back with a wince. Gingerly, he rubbed the length of his arm. Billy watched curiously, "Your arm hurt?" "Yeah," Neil acknowledged, he reached out with the opposite arm to pick up his fork and spear a piece of chicken. "Ever since I broke it..." Billy's eyebrows furrowed, "when did you break your arm?" He had never known this. Neil chewed thoughtfully, popping another bite of food in his mouth. "You were there, 'member?" He dabbed at his mouth with the napkin from the tray. "There were those girls... we wanted to impress. Man, those girls..." He chuckled, his frame rattling. "So you pitched and I swung, and that ball flew for miles!" Neil swallowed and coughed. "Until it hit Ma's sitting room window. And there was Dad..." Neil exhaled, his cheeks puffing. "Boy was he pissed. Remember that?" Neil skewered another piece of food. "He was a shade of red I'd never seen before." Neil paused in thought, "man, he was pissed."

"He broke your arm?" Billy asked in surprise. Neil shrugged, picking up the Coke can to see if there was any left inside it. "Eh, what're you gonna do?" He set the can down, pointing his fork at Billy, "He'd have broke yours too if he'd have seen you. Good thing you ran. Smart."

"Stupid broken arm... ruined my chances of playing ball. I could've been great." Neil complained, rubbing the old injury.

"Why did you let him hurt you?" Billy questioned in astonishment. Neil looked at him, incredulously, "What? We were like 12? What choice did I have?"

"Di-did he do it to you often?" Billy stumbled over the question as it caught in his throat. Neil waved him off with his fork, "Come on. You don't wanna relive that stuff." The word pierced him. Lighting his insides and setting ablaze a furnace he tried so hard to keep dampened.

"I relive it every day. Every day." Billy confessed.

Neil looked up at him like he was crazy. Billy gripped the table's edge until his knuckles turned white. "I tried for so long to forget about everything that you did to me. Don't you remember?" Neil shook his head. "No... that was Dad. Not me." Neil corrected him, shaking his head. Billy slammed his palm flat on the tabletop, Neil jolting in his seat. Neil stared at him.

"You are my dad!" Billy grieved.

The pair stared at each other intensely, the room falling away into insignificance around them. "You beat the crap outta me!" Billy pressed, tears escaping his eyes. Neil looked away with sudden discomfort as he set down his utensils. "No." Billy shook his head angrily. "Look at me. You look at me!" He demanded. Neil gave him a sidelong glance. "You tell me you remember!" Billy provoked. Neil shook his head heavily in disbelief. "No. You must have me confused with someone else."

Billy slumped in his seat, exhausted, surrendering. He sniffled miserably, looking at the clock on the wall. 8:47pm. Surely, this was enough hell for one day? Right?

"It's getting late..." Billy trailed off, getting up from his chair. "I need to head home. But I'll see you again next week... Dad." Neil blinked at him strangely but said his farewell, allowing Billy to leave.

Arriving home, Billy smiled softly. There was a familiar face in the driveway.

"Tough day?" Max asked, she lifted an arm with a hefty paper takeout bag as an offering. Billy laughed softly, "nothing that sleep can't fix."

"Wanna talk?" Max inquired, heading to the front porch. Billy silently nodded and sat on the stoop beside her. "Did it happen again?" she asked. Billy stayed silent, his eyes tired and unfocused. "Why do you go?" She questioned. "I'm his son. I have to." Billy answered as if it were obvious.

"It's not fair, y'know?" Billy finally spoke, looking at her. "He doesn't remember anything... anything that he did to me. To us."

"But I remember. I remember every curse, every smack, every bruise. Every scar." He fell silent again, his knee beginning to bounce.

Max put a comforting hand on his knee in reply. "Everything. I remember... all of it." Billy continued.

"You want a confession... or an apology." Max reflected. "But you can't have that with the way his memory is."

"I look at him now, and he's old. And he's sick. ...And I feel nothing. And it scares me Max... what does that say about me as a person?" Billy asked with desperation in his voice. "You're supposed to love your parents."

He rested his head in his hands, "I go because... because I need to feel something." Billy began to cry. "It looks like you do feel something," Max observed, gently wiping a tear from his chin.

"It's crazy y'know?" Billy hiccuped. "I've learned more about him now he's sick, than the entire time when he wasn't."

"Turns out the apple didn't fall far from the tree... a long line of bad apples. Y'know?" Billy smiled bitterly, as Max scooted in closer, wrapping an arm around her brother. "He was a victim too. You both were." She stated. "And with a little forgiveness, maybe you can move forward..." She coaxed. "Maybe." Billy sighed in defeat. "Not just for him, Billy. For you." Max reasoned.

#billy #billy hargrove #tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw childhood trauma #tw dementia #Jess writes

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