#my mom checked his fb when he tried to contact me

[composeregg]

Honestly as someone who is partially adopted,

The fact that the doctor didn't go to the biological mother, let her walk away, didn't need to find that information, is so...

My mom was a single mother for a few years, because my bio father didn't stick around. My dad is the one she married, the one who raised me, the one who celebrates adoption day with me.

Ruby has her family. I get wanting to know, wanting to understand, and it's clear she does want that, but she doesn't need that. Her mom makes the point of being glad she didn't find anyone because she's ruby's mom

And there's not enough stories out there where that's just accepted. My biological father tried to get in touch with me when I turned 19 and I told him to fuck off (well, i didn't respond so my mom did with my permission), because he's not my dad. I don't have an interest in seeing him, in getting to know him.

"Aren't you curious?" No, not really!

I get the idea of wanting Ruby to secretly be alien-ish since we dont know her genetics but... there's something special to me, for her to be an ordinary girl. A foundling, adopted. Her biological relations not mattering because her family is the one she HAS

That means a lot to me

[thewishender690]

Henlo ooc ahead!

My account is not dead I swear, this week was rough, and it wasn’t the finals doing it to me (Thankfully)

There is a rant below but long story short, I have bad neighbors, and the only things I have planned for this weekend is working on my finals, lore scripts of Vasili, more art on Vasili, rolepaying here, possibly playing minecraft with my lil brother and a Crown of Sorrows run with my clan-

I do apologize for the afkness, I have just been trying to handle this all as best as I can.

Sooooooo, my number one suggestion to people who cannot mentally handle having their children around them (and I speak of experience from my childhood, and these last few months) give them to someone, that you trust, who can actually handle discipline/raising them.

I’d like to warn right now that I’m Autistic, and while I have had treatment in learning to control my actions, and I will brag that I’m kind of happy that this is being handled better than it would have 10 years ago-

Now I can go into my petty, long, roast on my neighbor and her inability to actually be a mother. But I won’t. I also don’t know this lady’s name- and frankly I don’t want to.

When we first moved into this apartment this lady let her kids to damage to other tenants cars. including mine. Normal people get mad, my ABA treatment however has conditioned me to not do that, and I tried to make friends to prevent further damages. Well long story short, that didn’t work when her son decides to throw their Chihuahua down the stairs and our security cameras caught it. To be fair in that, we wanted nothing to do with the investigation on that, we are two lesbians living in Austin, Texas, and while it is Austin, it is still Texas and I think that speaks for itself.

We have two cats, one tiny black cat, and one floofy Maine Coon, and they loved to be in the windows and watch nature, birds, ect. But not to long after that second incident, this lady’s son began to throw rocks, and scream at them if they were in the windows, going far as to baiting them to the windows to do so. And now this is where I step in, and start telling him to stop. Maybe I should have gone to his mother about the issue, but it wasn’t as if I was trying to get him into trouble, I just wanted him to stop, and if he did, no harm no foul, I’d let bygones be bygones and count this up as character development for the kid.

This has gone on for the last several months,

Then about around the beginning of the year, when the Austin rains finally kick in, there is a kitten that lodges its head in this lady’s car. Of course I contact the lady about it, and she blows up at me for doing so. In all fairness it was 6 in the morning, but the little one was screaming in terror, and it triggered my anxiety, and PTSD-  Before I could even call animal control, her car is gone and there is a kitten body with no head. I swear it was a while since I had felt so angry, terrified, and disgusted. The office managers got one of the maintenance guys to help me bury it, and they said they would be filing a police report against the lady on it regarding the animal abuse, though I never heard back on this incident.

But what did happen was a week later this lady’s eldest daughter started to get her friends to stomp around and scream about how they want the “dykes” gone and how they should be raped and killed. 

 This goes on for almost three weeks, until finally I threaten to call the cops if it the death threatening and the rock throwing doesn’t stop. The mother blows up at us for this at 12 am (which is two violations of her lease right then and there), threatens to get us evicted, because we asked her kids to stop harassing us. 

Of course I talked to the office about this, because we have done nothing wrong except contact them at 6 am. Well long story short they’re on our side, and want us to press charges. 

They want this tenant gone for all of the damages done (And 14 different violations including the most recent three with us). This lady has already assaulted one other tenant here because they defended themselves against this absolute bullshit. The manager told me to put up a sign stating to leave the cats alone, and to keep the cameras up.

I am at my wits end with this, though I have been patient and doing snide white Karen mom roasts behind closed doors as a vent, even making a meme about it and throwing it into Shaxxposting on fb-

At this point I’m thinking of taking advantage of the fact I live in Texas and getting a firearm, especially last night. Last night my oldest cat was losing her absolute shit, growling and hissing in fear, she was nowhere near the windows (she was in the kitchen by the stove)

At first I thought her and the tiny one were play fighting again because she hisses and growls when she is losing the play fight. But when I checked outside the window I saw a figure wearing all black walking away from the parking lot.

Last night was a whole bunch of hell no, I’ve seen enough movies to know what happens here, and If I have to go down, I’m not going down without a fight-

Trust me, I am gonna try to be active, but until this issue is resolved, I’m going to be hella spotty- which makes me sad because my musing is kicking me in the shins and demanding to be written >:(

[rossetteaaaaang]

Pinagtagpo pero di tinadhana

A story about two lovers that who fall and break for a reason. Trisha's pov I was in the middle of thinking about something, when my eyes got stuck in a man who's laughing with his friends. He got a shining eyes, pointed nose and dark but nice skin. I was never been this amazed with a man. I got choke with my own saliva when his eyes met mine, I immediately busy myself with the food in the table. I heard them laugh, after a minute it became silent so I slowly look at the stand where they are staying and they're gone, I took a deep breath. I was never been this nervous in a guy before. 'Oh, I've been staying here for 4 hours already pfft.' This place really got my attention. I love the designs and their food also. I don't know, there is something here that made me want to always go back. By the way I am here in Yoo-hoo restaurant. When I am bored in the house, I always go here. Well, I do really nothing haha. I don't have friends because I'm just new here. I stayed in Newyork for about 7 years. My mom told me that this is her hometown in Cagayan de Oro city. Well, it is nice here though. 'Kringggg kringgg' 'Oh, my mom' I answered. 'Hello mom?' 'Where are you!' She yelled in the phone. I close my eyes real hard. Here we go again. '*sigh* mom, I didn't go far okay? I'm just here at--' she interrupted what I was about to say. 'I know, you're at that restaurant again. How many times do I need to tell you that, stop going there huh?' She yelled. I really don't know why mom hate this place. It is nice and so comfortable to stay with. 'Okay okay whatever. I'm going. Mygad mom I'm already 22 yet you're still--' okay fine she ended up the call. When she knew that I was always going in that restaurant she became the beast that I didn't know she'll become pfft I mean, she's so angry that night and when I will ask her why she just always telling me not to ask anymore. Whatever, old woman now a days *rolled my eyes* 'Hey mom' I said and then kissed her forehead. 'You spoiled brat did y--' I cut her off 'Yes mom yes sorry okay?' Im here at my bed searching something, scrolling through my news feed and suddenly someone add me. 'Hmm, Troy Gabriel huh. How come he knew me? That's weird' by the way, he's the guy who I described earlier hmm. [Troy Gabriel have one message] 'Omg?' TG: [You changed a lot wow. You look like a Goddess] huh? Did he know me before? [Excuse me, if you wouldn't mind. Did we met before? You seem so familiar.] TG: [secret] what? So annoying, so I just seen the message. TG: [Heeeeey? You there?] [You're always be my seenderella] [I'm not yours] I replied TG: [hmm] Troy Gabriel POV I missed her so much. But, it seems she didn't know me. I still love her. In those 7 years that we're apart. My love didn't change a bit. That's why when I saw her in our favorite restaurant, my heart skipped a bit. Is there a chance that, she still love me? 7years ago (flashback) 'Hey babe, where do you want to go hmm?' I asked. 'Anywhere babe as long as I'm with you.' She said and then she hold my hand. 'How sweet pftt happy 5th anniversary babe' I said then kissed her forehead. 'Happy 5th years of being enemy babe' she said then laugh. What a beautiful view. I stared at her beautiful face. I can't imagine my life without her. I just love her so much and I will do everything for her. 'Let's go?' She said. 'Hmm' I nodded. We just keep on talking, laughing about anything while I am driving. We decided to go to Palawan. Then suddenly a large truck came our way. I tried my best to get away but I lost control. The next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital bed. 'Hey gab thank God you're awake.' My mom said while teary eyes. 'Mom? Where's Trisha? Is she okay? I want to see her--' I said and then when I was about to stand up she stopped me. 'Darling, im sorry but--' 'But what mom! I need to see her' I shouted I can't explain the feeling. 'Her mother decided to bring her in newyork okay? I'm sorry darling but she is unconscious she needs to be treated there. She needs a good doctor.' I cried while hearing those words. Its my fault, its all my fault. 'How many days I was sleeping?' 'One  month gab' she replied. It was really bad, huh. I will never forgive myself if something bad happened to her. After 1month and 3days I'm finally discharged in the hospital. I called her many times but I can't contact her. I chatted her in all social media accounts but I didn't get any response, so I went to their house. I press the doorbell many times but no one appeared. Even their maid was (wala). Is it that bad? I need to see her really. When I was about to go, someone park a car. I was so excited maybe it was her. But when I saw that its her mother and there's no  Trisha appeared. I immediately run to her mom and asked her where Trisha is. 'Tita where's Trisha? Is she okay? Tita I'm really sorry I did--' she stopped me. 'From now on you need to start your life without her. She doesn't need you anymore. She is okay without you. Your just putting her in danger! And she doesn't deserved someone like you. She lost her memory and its all your fault. As a consequence I will not let her know you.' 'wha-t? What are you saying tita? We promised each other! Where is she? Tell me Tita please tita' I kneel down begging for her to tell me where my Trisha is. 'I don't like you for her. She don't have future in you now go away' she said then went to their house.' (End of flashback) I tried my best to move on and forget about her. Even if it is so hard. But, I need to, for myself and for the people who still needs me. I smoke, I drink liquor everyday to forget her. I always go to the bar. I tried many girls. But there is no change. Its still her. 'Argg' I punch the punching bag real hard. I'm here at my mini gym. I saw her! And all of my anger were gone. I just want to ran to her and hug her tightly. My seenderella I missed her. That's why I searched for her social media accounts and then I found out that she has new account and then I added her. Gladly she accepted it. I will make her fall in love with me again.. Trisha's POV 'Hays, what am I gonna do here' I'm bored. [Someone's calling] 'Hmm who's this?' I answered. 'Hello?' 'Hey shang, where are you?' 'Who's this? And why did you know my nickname?' 'Long story shang hahaha' he replied. 'Wth? And where did you get my number? And who's this!?' 'Chill shang its me gab' 'Gab? The one who chatted me last night? Wth? Are you a stalker or what?' 'Of course not! You putted your number in your fb account.' Hmm ahh yeah I did. 'Ahh okay. What do you need?' 'Lets date hmm just a friendly date.' 'Are you insane? What if you're killer or what? I still didn't remember anything from the past and then I'll be dead no way.' I said hysterically. 'Hey, chill there seenderella. Do I look like a killer? Pftt and wait? What are you talking about, the past?' 'Never mind.' I said. No one should know it. Mommy told me that I'll start my life with something new. But sorry to say this that I really want all my memories to comeback and I will do everything I can to have it. 'Come on seenderella. Its on me. You don't have to bring money. My treat. Besides I'm really bored right now and hungry also. Come on.' Hmm, should I trust him? Well, I'm bored also. Okay, I'll just bring my pepper spray. 'Okay, where?' 'Yes! Uhm *clears throat* sorry. Where do you want to go?' He asked. 'What? Why me? You're the one who planned this out so you should be the one to decide where.' 'Okay what ever. Let's go in Mega mall. I'll pick you up' he said. Hmm okay he'll pick me up-- wait what? 'What did you say? Hey did you know where---' he ended up the call. What ever dude. Its your problem anymore. After 20 minutes.. 'Trisha there's a guy waiting for you outside' yaya maling said. 'Okay yaya thankyou.' It is him? He is really a stalker. How come he knew my nickname and then our house? I get my bag and then went out. I saw him beside his car. Hmm he's really handsome though. But I don't like him. Its just that there's something in him that makes me comfortable. 'Let's go?' He said while having a big smile in his face. 'How did you know our address huh? You're really a stalker' 'I have many source pftt. And this kind of face? Stalker? Really seenderella?' He said while smirking. 'What ever dude let's go' he is about to open the door for me when I stopped him. 'I'm not disabled I can do it by myself' 'I'm just trying to be a gentleman here. Attitude ka siszt?' 'Well I don't need it.' I said. 'Woah, chill there. Okay fine.' He said then went to his spot. [We arrived at the mall] 'Let's watch movie?' 'Sure, you said awhile ago you're hungry? Are we not gonna eat up first?' 'Your hungry also? Oh, okay sure. Lets go.' 'Not really, its you' 'oh so you're concern now?' Our day spent well. We enjoyed it well. Days passed being like that. We don't have days that we're not together. We always bond, eat foods and going everywhere. Until one day, we went to Palawan. I remembered this.. 'Ah, my head hurts.' 'What? You okay? What happened?' I stared at him for a long time. 'I  finally remember everything.' Gab' POV 'What? You can now recognized me babe?' Teary eyes as I said to her. 'Yes babe' she said while crying 'Sorry babe' she added. 'Hey, its okay. No don't cry please. Thank God you finally remembered me.' I said while hugging her. 'Let's go to the hospital. You need to be checked babe.' 'Sure' she said. I was so happy finally. [2years later.] Trisha's POV Since I remembered everything. Everything seems to be perfect. Mom and I have talk and I forgive her. Also Mom and Gab. But something's went wrong to Gab. He changed. I don't know. He's always telling me that he's busy. Every time I planned out a date. He always refused. I need to ask him. I'm confused. [Calling gab...] 'Hey babe? Where are you' I asked. 'At house why?' 'Come here please let's talk. I need to ask something from you.' 'Sure, I need to tell you something as well, Trish.' He said. Trish? Is he mad? I'm nervous. [Minutes later] 'Hey babe, you're here.' 'Yeah' he replied. 'What do you want? Juice coffee?' I asked. 'No need. Let's talk about the main reason why I'm here.' 'Oh, okay' 'Now, ask' he said I sigh 'Gab? What's wrong with you? Do you still love me? Did I do something stupid again? Are you mad?' He close his eyes hard. 'Sorry Trish' he said. Tears start flowing down my face. 'So-sorry-- what? What Gab?' 'Let me explain first Trish. Okay? *sigh* I'm sorry. This passt few days I felt nothing anymore. The spark, my feelings were gone. I'm sorry I need to be honest with you. I don't want to hurt you and fake my love.' 'You're already hurting me Gab!' I shouted. It hurts so bad. What happened gab? 'Do you have new? That's why you're like that?' 'No I don't have pshh. I spent the whole two f week to sum up everything, Trish. I'm sorry. I don't know why I ended up this way. I need to find myself first. I'm sorry. Please do take care of yourself.' He said. 'Noooo, Gab please. Let's talk. What happened please' Im down on bended knees. I hug him but he refuse and then he leave. [4months had passed] Those 4 months was hell. I tried to message him but all of his social media account was deactivated. Even in the text I can't send him maybe he blocked me. I didn't have any strength to the point that all the food that I intake, my body refuses it. I tried suicide many times but I guess its still not my time. I t is really sad, that the person we thought to stick with us through thick and thin is already gone not thinking about the promises that they had made, not thinking about the memories that you had build together, the sweetness you had shared and the laugh and happiness you felt when you're still together. It is sad and depressing but you need to move forward for yourself and for the people who love you. I realized that, people come and go into your life but they are either a blessing or a lesson. I trust God and the process. I believed my man was just stock in the traffic. And he is the one who will keep on choosing me everyday even if how hard I am to handle with. And to Gab.. Its been 4months and 19 days since the last time we talked. Hoping you're doing good. Wherever you are right now. I hope that you took all of my advises that I thought you before. Be a better version of yourself. I'm also thankful for the days that I am with you. I experienced to loved and be loved. But I know its just a temporary moment. I'm sorry that I still misses you everyday. But don't worry, I finally accepted everything. I'm sorry for all the wrong decisions that I had made. I wish you all the good things in life though, you left me unattended. Do not rush things if you feel that you're still not ready for doing so, farewell old buddy, till we meet again. Be safe and be happy always. No more hate, no more bitterness. I hope I could tell you these so we can be good friends. But I know things won't turn out the way I wanted it to be. God allowed us to love each other, fall and break for a reason, so be it. Our pains will soon be our testimony that love is somehow isn't all about being together forever. I won't forget you and I will treasure our memories together. Please love your next as much as I loved you before. I guess and I hope that you have found someone better that I am. Thank you for the lesson, babe. Till we meet again.

#Short Story #Creative writing

[jadelyn]

So um. Dad? Has kinda? Reached out to me? Sorta a little bit?

I'm on my lunch break and was checking my personal email while I wait for my food to heat up and I had a FB notification: my dad tagged me in a post.

I'm not even exaggerating when I say my heart dropped into my stomach and I almost threw up on the spot from the sudden clutch of terror and "oh gods what now?"

(which, doesn't that tell me everything I need to know about whether his behavior was "bad enough" to be considered abusive? I rather feel like it's not normal for someone to almost throw up from fear just from getting an email saying their dad tagged them on FB...but all I could think was "oh no I'm gonna get pulled back in and it's going to be horrible all over again and I can't handle this right now" and like? I'm still sitting at my desk shaking? This is not how Normal Parent-Child Interactions are supposed to work?)

Anyway it was a repost of this very pretty-looking leather journal with a stamped cover that said something like "dearest daughter, wherever you go in life, be safe, enjoy the ride, and never forget the way home" or something to that effect. And he didn't say anything, just reposted it and tagged my name, and added a comment saying "that also goes for my son, [brother's name]".

And I'm torn, so torn right now, halfway between "maybe he's actually changed? It's a good sign that he's trying to initiate some kind of contact, isn't it? Even if it's not super deep or meaningful contact" and "how fucking dare you come at me with that Hallmark sentimental shit after everything, like a nice little poem is going to make 25 years of your bullshit disappear", with a side of "lmao "remember the way home" look fucko if there's a "home" for me to remember the way to it would be to Mom, who has always actually loved me - not some hypothetical version of me that lives in her head and does what she wants but the actual me with all my fuckups and flaws intact - and supported me, not to you where I was never good enough no matter what I did".

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to. My brother has distanced himself from dad even more thoroughly than I have so I already know his answer will be "fuck that and fuck him". Mom, I mean gods know she knows the history and would do her best to help but also she's the one who suffered most from the way he treated us so I don't want to drag her back in either. Ozz is at work, day 3 of his new job, so I don't want to bug him.

I think I'm gonna try to just put it out of my head for now, wait til after work and talk to Ozz tonight.

Just...gods. Why now? What sparked this? Wtf? Just tagging me on FB instead of actually like, an apology or something? Whyyyy?

(for mutuals and followers who weren't here 5 years ago when the shit went down for the last time, the cliff notes version is: my dad is an emotionally abusive alcoholic and I cut off contact with him 5 years ago after he repeatedly refused to respect very simple boundaries and tried to gaslight me about it, then threw a massive tantrum and convinced his entire family that I was the bad guy and he was a poor innocent victim because I finally stood up to him about it. He's also a ragingly misogynistic, racist, Fox News conservative who I'm sure adores The Orange Nightmare, and this was a not insignificant factor in the final breakdown.)

[livelikebrent]

Stop 7: Winter Park + Boulder, Colorado

Have you ever broken somebody’s heart? Maybe it was with a significant other and ended things. Whether you’re on the giving or receiving end of it...it’s an awful feeling, isn’t it? Have you ever had to do it one dozen times in the span of maybe an hour? I remember shaking and trying to clear my throat as I dialed, Amanda, Danny, Amy, Adam, Josh, Brendan, John, Ryan...this list continues. I don’t even know how I knew who to call, or who I probably should’ve called but my mind had turned into liquid. Amanda had been texting Brent a day or two prior and had a bad feeling when he didn’t answer the text messages. She texted me earlier in the morning asking if everything was okay. I think I started these phone calls somewhere around 11am and 12noon on Saturday, July 15th. I just remember how quiet or how short some people were (not in a bad way by any means) when they spoke to me. I think it was shock, taking in the information and not knowing what to do with it. Others instantly started crying or tried so hard to hold back tears as they asked me to explain. I tried to explain as soon as I broke the news so they didn’t even have to wonder. I tried to explain that he was already heavily medicated and asleep so he didn’t know what had happened. I remember calling Josh as he and Hannah were driving to his sibling’s house. Hannah started screaming. I remember Adam driving, Danny and Dana sitting on their couch getting ready to leave for vacation later in the day. Danny said he knew as soon as he saw my name come up on their phone that something wasn’t right. Some didn’t even have my number at that point and didn’t know who was speaking to them initially but quickly learned.  But to break the hearts of some of Brent’s best and my dearest friends from the last few years...broke my heart even more that it already was that morning.

I talk about these people a lot. I talk about how grateful I am to have them still in my life. I’m about to talk about them some more on how a few joined me on my 7th stop on Tour de Brent: Colorado. I’ll say it again and again...I’m so happy and grateful that they joined me on this trip. One of the first places Brent and I had on our bucket list was snowboarding in Colorado. Brent knew I loved camping and hiking the Adirondack mountains in New York. He also knew I’d never been out west. So he wanted to take me snowboarding in Colorado, explore Boulder and to meet a close WVU friend of his, Lindgren.

Six of us met bright eyed and bushy tailed at the Philadelphia International Airport around 7am on Friday, February 9th. Skis, snowboards and bags had been checked, coffee in hand along with eagerness to depart from the City of Brotherly Love. While the crew was eager to shred some serious mountains, I was eager to finally meet Lindgren. Since I had several hours to kill on the flight, my mind wandered and remembered Brent taking calls from Lindgren. Or just chatting about him and his now wife, Nicole. I remember their save the date on his refrigerator right until we cleaned out the apartment. The first time I had ever contacted Lindgren was on July 24th with an apology. I apologized for not being able to make the wedding with Brent. But what I really ended up apologizing for was how sorry I was that Brent never had to the opportunity to introduce us. I also explained I had planned on still making it out to Colorado to check it off of the list for Brent. I heard back from Lindgren the next day and I just remember how nice it was to hear him say, “...I honestly feel like I know you, from all of the pictures of you and Brent on FB, to all the wonderful things he told me about you. So, in a way, we’ve already been introduced, and I consider you a friend.”  I think the people one surrounds themselves with speaks volumes about that individual. The people that were current in Brent’s life have been some of the nicest and raddest people I have met. Lindgren quickly made the list of friends I am grateful for today.

We landed in Denver and I had previously asked Lindgren for suggestions on lunch. He told us to check out Vine Street Pub while still in Denver and that it was a solid spot for a burger and was Stout Month there. I smiled as we approached the establishment. The place we were about to enter is one of the Mountain Sun locations. I think we all know that Brent LOVED stickers. After he had passed, I sifted through his collection...some were recent finds and some extremely old. He had a ton of Mountain Sun stickers. I recognized the logo as soon as I saw it entering the pub. We ordered a round of drinks, lunch and checked the weather. Snow was in the forecast for Saturday which was ideal as that was going to be our first day out on the mountain. I knew I wanted to place a sticker at this location and as I was walking back to my seat from the bathroom, what do you know? They had just a small section of a wall FILLED with stickers. After we paid our bill, I found our waitress with two other employees and explained why we were there from Philadelphia and asked if I could slap a sticker up. Her response was, “OF COURSE! We have stickers for you too!!” She gave me a reel of the same stickers Brent had. Then we found a place on their wall.

We jumped in our cars and made our way out to our Airbnb in Fraser, Colorado. Fraser is just north of Winter Park where we planned on spending our entire Saturday. With all of our gear and crew in tow, Brendan and I made our way through the mountains, around the mountains and then up the mountains. It was so beautiful. The brief video clip below doesn’t even do justice as we got closer to the mountain range.

Oh. Did you know that elevation sickness is actually a real thing? I will have to say that I had been warned. But as we climbed to over 9,000 feet in elevation to the towns...so did my stomach. I pounded waters to keep myself hydrated. Then by the time we went grocery shopping (conveniently located at the bottom of the hill from where we were staying), my feet started to cramp up. Thankfully, I got over it after a while. We settled into our ski themed Airbnb, made ourselves right at home and ordered pizza (including my fave, Hawaiian).

The answer to your question is yes. The place looked just like it does in the photos above from Airbnb. Believe me, I’ve been to Airbnbs where I’ve walked in and I had to double check the address because it looked nothing like it did in the photos. But you can view more photos and the entire place here! I don’t think we were there for even twenty minutes when we started posing on the faux bear rug in front of the fireplace. It was just such a cozy place for the weekend. But we were pretty tired from traveling and knew we had a long day ahead of us so we laid low for the first evening. Josh and his girl, Katrina came out to the place to hang for a smidge and say hi. I’ve met Josh a handful of times. The first time I met him was two years ago at Carve 4 Cancer. He flew in for the event and busted his knee on his first run of the day. Classic. He was one of the friends that came and visited with Brent when he was sick..which truly raised his spirits.

Josh showed up for Brent’s wake, the funeral and Carve again in 2018. As hysterically funny as he is and a joy to be around, he was genuinely a good friend of Brent’s. I asked Josh how he met Brent. He honestly didn’t know and felt like they just had always been buds since school. Brent would talk about Josh a lot and how Josh’s mom would take them out of school early, throw them in the car and drive up to Vermont to hit the mountains all of the time. I think I’ve heard that about half a dozen times from Brent.

The next day we got up, ate breakfast and realized it had been dumping and dumping and dumping snow overnight...and it wasn’t stopping any time soon. So we made a pot of coffee, breakfast, geared up and made our way over to Mary Jane Pass. To be quite frank the only downside to all of the snow was that it was snowing so much that we could hardly even see the mountains that were surrounding us and off in the distance. Honestly, it was fine though...we were so excited to be skiing and snowboarding in a storm on fresh powder. Cars filled the lots and lined the long, winding drive up to the base of the mountain. I think I heard, “NO FRIENDS ON POW DAYS!” Probably a dozen times in lift lines, on the mountains and in the lodge.

The snow was awesome. The trails took longer than 45 second to bomb down and you weren’t on top of one another for how busy the mountain was either. At this point, I started to understand why Brent wanted to take me out west to snowboard so badly. The snow was soft, there was hardly any ice if any at all, you could hop off the trail and wind your way through the trees and even though it was a pow day...you were on the mountain with some of the best people waiting for you around the next turn. We took a break for lunch at the lodge about half way through the day, hit the mountain for a couple more runs and then made our way back to the car and ultimately to the Airbnb. 

The boys made a mouth watering dinner for everyone. While we were in the super market the day prior, they found surf and turf packages for basically $10 a person. I SAID TEN DOLLARS. It most definitely didn’t taste like a $10 meal either. Lobster tails, steak, brussel sprouts, cocktails and beer. 

After dinner, we cleaned up and decided to check out some of the local spots in Winter Park and ended up at Idlewild Spirits Distillery.

It is a distillery pub nestled in the basement of a strip mall on the main drag of Winter Park. There’s a bar and plenty of seating in the main room of the establishment. We sat in the back room with rows and rows of barrels of their liquor. It was pretty cool. Each barrel had the type of liquor and the date. It had a rustic yet industrial feel to the place. Caitlin had suggested the place since she is one who greatly appreciates a fine cocktail. Sidenote, the first time I met Caitlin and Adam...they took Brent and I to a place in Manayunk, The Goats Beard, for cocktails. So we ordered a round of cocktails, “snacks” and hung out for a while recapping on our first day and plans for the remainder of the trip. As we wrapped up and paid the check, our waiter suggested to check out a little bar called The Basement. Are we picking up on a theme here yet? Apparently, Winter Park doesn’t stay open terribly later. But this little hole in the wall did...and we didn’t mind going to a local’s bar. Brent would’ve liked it. Skateboard decks hung above the counter with beers available. You felt like you were in the basement of your friend’s house back in high school and you were waiting for the crowd to show up to start the party. There were video games, a couple of tvs, an area for a DJ or band and some arcade games. A couple of guys were sitting at the bar still in their snowboarding gear with a pie of pizza they probably carried in themselves. It was a place where you went for a cheap après ski.

As drastically different as these two spots were, Brent would’ve thoroughly enjoyed them. We ordered a couple of Rolling Rocks for $3 each. I SAID THREE DOLLARS. It most definitely tasted like a $3 beer. As we sipped our drinks, Caitlin was passing out at the table from the long day for shredding the gnar. I think half of us made Ryan slug back our beers before we made our way back to the place and called it a night.

Sunday rolled around. Josh took Ryan out back country skiing, Caitlin and Adam hit up Grandby Ranch Resort to get a couple more turns in, and Brendan, Koren and I wanted to check out the town for the day and explore after we already arrived at Grandby. (Whoops!) As the three of us were driving out of the resort, I saw a small hill with a gazebo on top. I figured it had a pretty cool view of the ranch below and mountains that surrounded us. So we parked the car and went to walk up the hill. This turned into THE MOST tiring task of the weekend. We should not have been as winded as we were walking up this hill...mind you that we weren’t used to the elevation but it was embarrassing how bad we were sucking wind once we got to the top. I think I had to take a breather for about 5 minutes before I could even think about taking photos. But below us sat the ranch, cattle, and these adorable craftsman houses that sat on the mountain side. (Que ‘Weeds’ theme song here).

We hit up an antique store we saw along the way, stopped at Cooper Creek Square to buy stickers, shirts and gifts. The shops were cute. I think Koren bought a gift for about everyone in her entire life. Brendan bought gifts for his niece and nephew. We decided to find something to eat and right across the street was a place called The Ditch on 40. It ruled. It was a small spot on the second floor of a strip of stores. (Actually a spot not in a basement!) It had a deck which I’m sure gets packed on a mild blue bird day. The place described itself as “A family-run, roadside bar and grill, where it's all about the red and green... chile, that is.  We start from scratch! Using only chile from Hatch, NM.  We serve great burgers, tasty sandwiches, authentic New Mexican food and the best margaritas in town!” I’m sorry, but did you know that Colorado is known chile peppers? Well, it kinda is. If you want to read up about it and the great green chile debate between Colorado and New Mexico, click here! But I digress, it had a locals vibe to it with license plates on the walls along with ski trail signs from Winter Park’s trails, skis and snowboards hanging on racks from the ceilings. We figured the place got rowdy at night and was probably a pretty solid time with the après ski crowd. We shared some sliders, tacos and had a round of drinks. I do need to point out the beer that Koren ordered though. It was an oak aged sour stout with cranberries named Blucifer from Odd13 Brewing. Blucifer is the demon horse of the Denver Airport ...it is a bright blue mustang standing at 32 feet tall and 9,000 pounds with glowing red eyes. I am not joking. Although the Blucifer beer sounds odd for a stout to be sour - it was mighty delish. Also, we need to note the artwork on the can quickly...and yes, that’s Santa’s sleigh.

As soon as we had walked in the door I knew I wanted to place a sticker there for Brent. This was most certainly a place I could picture him after spending a day out on the mountain together. As soon as I asked one of the waiters he immediately said, “Yes! Of course!” and he had the same reaction when I asked if he wouldn’t mind capturing the placement in a photograph for me. There was a perfect spot, dead smack in the center of the mirror behind the bar.

After lunch, the three of us made our way back to Mary Jane’s Pass to check out the gift shop in the lodge. Apparently, this portion of Winter Park is the most difficult and it’s where we started and ended our first day out on the mountains. So Brendan and I bought a handful of stickers and Koren bought more gifts. I need to figure out how to get on her gift list. After lunch, we made a pit stop so Koren could get her ice cream fix and made our way back to the house. I tried to capture more of the mountains and the trees that were lightly coated in fresh snow...but, these photos don’t do any justice. There was so much texture.

When we got back, Caitlin and Adam were right behind us followed by Ryan and Josh who found the local Irish Pub (shocker. not.). We hung around, Ryan showed off the photo that Josh took of him and we had a couple of drinks and hot teas.

Eventually, we got ready and made ourselves presentable for a nice dinner out in the town at Deno’s Mountain Bistro. We snagged some seating by the bar as we waited for a table. This place had everything from wings to a steak dinner and a wine list that was 16 pages long. SIXTEEN! We had ordered everything from biratta, steaks, poke bowls, wings and pasta. Ryan was in his prime that night and Josh had us all laughing so hard during the entire meal.

The next day we packed up and left Fraser/Winter Park and started to make our way towards our next destination, Boulder. On the way, we stopped at Arapahoe Basin. It was another gorgeous ride up and through the mountains. We drove through Loveland Pass and the Continental Divide which was stunning. Koren and I had no shame in asking Brendan to pull the car over (more than once) to take photos.

We got to the parking lot and started to gear up for the day when I noticed Arapahoe’s logo. It’s the letter “A” with a design around it. I had seen it a dozen times in Brent’s sticker collection. Even when I visited Drew and Amanda in Syracuse, I remember looking through the collection with Drew and asking what logo or brand it was and he had no idea. Well, apparently this was a fave mountain of Brent’s and here we were about to spend the day shredding there.

Now THIS is what I envisioned snowboarding in Colorado to look like. Mountains were EVERYWHERE. Winter Park was a great time and all but if you told me I was at a ski resort in update New York on that mountain, I’d believe you. But the setting at A-Basin was just absolutely incredible. We were surrounded by high peaks near by, mountains in the distance and tons of trees.

I think every time we were on the lift up the mountain I said something along the lines of, “I can’t get over how beautiful this is!” THIS was when I completely understood what Brent wanted me to experience. I just knew it. THIS was where he would’ve taken me (or Breckenridge - next time!) to tear up a mountain together. An old colleague of mine went hiking in Yosemite National Park last year. I remember her posting a photo of her with in front of a stunning backdrop and the caption reading, “Sometimes it’s good to feel small.” That is 100% true and that’s how I felt riding the lift when we got to the top of the mountain at the Montezuma bowl. But right as we got off of the lift for our first run of the day, there was a work bench for binding adjustments next to the map of the mountain. It happened to be covered in stickers. I couldn’t think of a better mountain to place a #LiveLikeBrent sticker.

I know this is an obvious statement but the mountains were so big! There are so many trails and options! It was an amazing time. At one point, Koren and Caitlin found an alpine trail on the mountain called Moose Hollow. They took a photo for me knowing that moose are my favorite animal and that I’d do anything to see one in person. So the next trip up the mountain they took me through the trees on this trail. Mind you, I never take these trails because it’s a bit more difficult if you’re on a board. It’s even more difficult if you get stuck. Never mind that, it’s freaking EXHAUSTING if you fall and need to get yourself up. If you’re on skis you at least have both feet and two poles to help get back up. We went down this trail twice, I hopped over one of the divets successfully the first time. But there was one slight jump I couldn’t get over and lost speed both times.  I honestly had to lay there and give myself a minute after trying to get myself up the first time.

After a stellar day on the mountain, we packed up and made our way to our Airbnb in Boulder so we could get ready for dinner with Lindgren. This place was adorable as well. You can view more photos and the place we stayed here!

Lindgren asked where we wanted to get dinner and I requested any place that he would take Brent if he were in town visiting again. He suggested a Nepal/Tibetan/Indian spot called Sherpa’s Adventure Restaurant & Bar. It’s a restaurant that is in an old Victorian home...so yes, you felt like you were dining in somebody’s home. It was so great to finally meet Lindgren. I asked him how he met Brent. He said one time he was eating dinner at WVU and this shaggy, bleached, long haired, guy came over and sat down with him at the table. Lindgren said, “He just started talking to me and kept going. Somehow we got on the topic of snowboarding and he was SO passionate about it. At the time, I hadn’t had a lot of experience on the mountain. But we somehow just became immediate friends. He kept going on and on.” Ah yes the gift of gab, a gift given I’m sure by his father, was one of Brent’s best qualities. Shortly before Brent went in for his stem-cell transplant, he came to a wedding with me to celebrate my friends, Bit and Asad. I was parking my car for the wedding and feeding the meter as Brent went inside the beach bar of the hotel to get more quarters. I noticed he took a long time. It turns out it was because he was chatting up one of my college friends at the bar, Joe. When I went inside, Joe, looked at me and exclaimed, “AIS!!! DO YOU KNOW THIS GUY? He walked in and now all of a sudden we’re like BEST buds.”

After Brent passed Joe wrote, “Been thinking of you and Brent so much the past few days. I've never been so inspired by the spirit and fun vibe of a person after hanging out just one time with him. Just wanted to share these fun shots. So glad I got to spend that night with you two. Love you Ais.”  That’s the kind of guy Brent was though. He met Joe once. He spent maybe a total of 8 hours with him. Like Lindgren said - that’s all it took.

Anyway, I digress! Lindgren became one of Brent’s close friends from WVU and described him as his only “frat friend.” Lindgren said one time he was at his fraternity house and he received a phone call from Brent. Brent said, “Are you home?” Lindgren told him he was and Brent continued, “Go outside RIGHT NOW!” Lindgren was hesitant but went outside. Brent and his friend Tony were throwing giant tires down the hill Lindgren lived on and wreaking havoc. Remember at Brent’s funeral when the priest joked he wasn’t a Saint? Case and point.

As we ate dinner (which was top-notch), Lindgren also shared one of his proudest moments with Brent. Brent flew in to visit with Lindgren with the obvious goal to go snowboarding. Lindgren said he told Brent that they’d be snowboarding Vail that day with one of his friends. Cool, right? Lindgren also added in that they would be snowboarding with Owen Schmitt. Ha! He was a football player at West Virginia and had moved onto the NFL after college. I’d say that’s a pretty solid proud moment. Lindgren’s bud went to high school with Schmitt who still clearly hung out. I do vaguely remember Brent telling me about this and he somehow got Schmitt’s phone number...he made up and excuse when he asked for it like “Just in case we get separated on the mountain.” Brent then added him on Snapchat and I’m pretty sure vice versa. What a Brent move.

As we were finishing our meal, Lindgren suggested a place to check out next he liked called The Sundown Saloon. It had a cool name, so we were down for it. Nicole, Lindgren’s wife, showed up as we were paying the check and met everyone. When she heard where we were going for drinks she looked at Lindgren with concern and said, “You’re taking them there???” We asked what was wrong with it and she described it as a hole in the wall dive bar. I remember saying, “But...that’s our kind of place.” It really was. But before we left, Lindgren and Nicole chatted with the owner. I’d say they’re pretty darn close to being regulars. Then we took a quick group photo. Again, it looked and felt like we were in somebody’s house for supper.

As we approached the doors...guess where it was located? Yes, in another basement. The Sundown Saloon is tucked underneath the walking mall that is Boulder’s Pearl Street. I decided to place a sticker here because it was a place that Lindgren would’ve taken Brent. After being inside it was like Murphy’s back in East Falls with Billards. I’m NOT calling Murphy’s a hole in the wall dive bar, mind you. There was a lot of wood going on, a fun crowd, and photos on some of the walls like Mike has up.

We walked in and there was a juke box, dart board, foosball and shuffleboard table, a handful of pool tables, Christmas lights that covered most of the ceiling, and plenty of cheap beer and whisky. If I lived in Boulder, this would certainly become a regular spot for a drink or two with a crew. We pushed together a bunch of tables, watched Shaun White slay the Olympics, drank and chatted. Then, who shows up? Josh and Katrina. Josh definitely spoiled us with his presence that weekend. As we sat there, some a little more buzzed than others, Caitlin looked at me across the table and smiled, “Looking around this circle makes me really happy. Brent brought us together.” It was true. Who travels across the United States to meet a stranger and his wife? We did because Brent only surrounded himself with the most amazing people. I’ve learned many things over the last year and one of them is that the people you surround yourself with are a reflection of who you are as a person. I think that’s important to think about. If you sit back and think about the people in your life, who are they? How do they act? Are they some of the funniest people you know? Maybe they are the most thoughtful and caring. Or maybe they simply inspire you. I’ve decided to continue to surround myself with people that make me happy and that want to be in my life. What I do know is that as you get older your circle of friends tend to get smaller. But mine has only been expanding and I’m extremely thankful for it and everyone that has become a part of my life.

We said our goodbyes, I gave Lindgren one of Brent’s beanies he wore in the hospital all of the time, Never Summer. The company is based out of Colorado so I figured it was fitting. We didn’t talk about what happened to Brent. But Lindgren did look at me and say, “I’m just so glad he had you for the time that he did and everything he went through.” He started to get tears in his eyes and these are the types of things that make me cry...Seeing any of Brent’s friends hurt or upset about what happened. He continued to say things that were truly touching to hear. I hugged him a couple of times and told him I was so glad to have finally meet him.

P.S. Nicole SLAYS in foosball. Don’t let her fool you.

Photo Credit: Airbnb, Caitlin, Koren, Brendan, Josh, Joe, Odd13 Brewing

[thegothicviking]

My bestie just said that she saw my ex bf around. He has actually moved away from here but she saw him and he had bought flowers. I did some snooping and it turns out one of his forner neighbors (a really nice, elderly couple), the husband has died of cancer about a week back. (I checked the wife's FB because I assumed the flowers must have been for my ex bf's former neighbor's and that's when I saw in a post that the old man had passed away).

So my ex is probably come here for the funeral. But it's my fucking birthday tomorrow and I am being triggered by all the bad memories. The fact that my ex punched his fist THROUGH the actual bedroom door only INCHES next to my FACE....and I told people about this...after I broke up with him....and they STILL, (behind my back) tried to make us all meet up together like as if nothing happened!?

He is scaring me. How he manipulates and even tried to contact my bestie, when he thought that we were dating. And how he told her to "take good care of me!" And "Good luck!" Obviously he wanted me to seem crazy so that my bestie would ask "what do you mean 'good luck'? " or "what do you mean take good care of her'?"

I told her not to reply. He even went full out and told everybody that me and my bestie's were dating, because his little sister followed me on FB (for some reason??) And she had seen me and my bestie together and how I had commented hearts and the big "eg elske deg" which usually means "I love you" in a more romantic or very deep way. And his sister knew I am bi so..

But I still remember what my ex bf told me during the last fight we had before I dumped him. How "I was nothing before I met him" and "people don't like me, they just pretend to like me because I was dating him!" And how "I would never find anyone like him!" (Well duh-uh...that's the point when you are breaking up with someone isn't it!?!?)

I waa toxic too in the relationship. Especially overly jealous at the beginning. I can admit that. But at least I was peaceful and private about our break up and only told my closest friends and family. I put myself as "single" on FB in a way so that you had to visit my actual profile to see it.

THEN...two weeks later after our breakup I get tagged with my full name in a FB he made about our breakup. Where he rambled something about "It is with a heavy heart that me and (my name) is no longer together. We came to a conclusion together that it was best for us to go our separate ways as we want different things in life"...and that was just a small part of the entire long post!

When I tried to call him out on it in the comment section, trying to tell the truth that "Uhm. No. We didn't agree on the breakup together. I dumped You!" The reply I got after he deleted my comment was "We can talk about this in the private chat! :)"

But for some reason his best buddies commenting for all to see that "Good! She never treated you right bro!" And "Don't worry there are plenty of fishes in the sea!" Was OK to talk about fully in the open in a post where I was tagged. He even liked some of the comments and let them stay there.

...

This is the guy who told me (when I told him for the first time ever I wanted to kill myself) that "It's nothing honey! You get over it!". He didn't even look up from playing Skyrim. He just casually shrugged it off that I confessed that I wanted to kill myself. I asked him (just to be sure that he had heard me) "Are you serious? Did you even hear what I said??" And he even repeated what I had said "Yeah, you said you wanted to kill yourself. No big deal!"

I would have understood his reaction if it was the 20th time that I told him I wanted to die. But it was the first time. Yes, he knew that I had been struggling with suicidal thoughts in the past due to 10 years of being bullied in school, but he also knew that that was before I had met him.

I told him for the first time ever since I had known him that I wanted to die and his response, the response from a man I actually loved so deeply, was that "It's nothing hunny! You get over it!"

You would have thought that I would leave him after that...but I stuck around for another year. I didn't have any other real friends besides him and he probably knew this. At the end of our relationship (because I had caused dramas at parties and thrown tantrum in full public) he deliberatly kept me out of parties he had been invited to. Which meant that I was left alone for many weekends, while he partied with many girls (I saw pictures afterwards). And he would have girl friends sleeping over at his place. But God forbid when I finally found a guy-friend and wanted to hang out with him alone..but SOBER..then he would call me like crazy and text me "You know I love you right??" My guy friend was a heavy/overweight dude and not my type at all but it wasn't ok for me to go and see an action movie at the theaters for just a couple of hours.

...my ex fucked me up so bad emotionally that one point I even agreed on him that "maybe I am just being sensitive all the time?" And made excuses for him if he lied (like he would do very often).

...

And now he is HERE...his mom and stepdad lives very close to my mom (I still live at home) and the thought about him probably staying there, being so close around my birthday (tomorrow the 16th) is freaking me out! Even after 6 years, he has still tried to contact me on and off and I am actually scared of what he will do if I end up bumping into him in this small town.

Sorry for rambling but I just needed to get this off my chest. I don't need him around so close to my birthday! Now I am actually glad of Corona and that we have to stay indoors at the Norwegian National Day (May 17th, after my birthday). Otherwise I would have def bumped into him.

Fuck this. I want to chill. I don't need this!

[dallonsmiles]

{long depressing personal post warning} (also copied from FB so some things don’t apply here)

I love you so much. Thank you for caring so much and making ME feel loved and like I actually matter to you and that running all the Dallon blogs and accounts I have for the past 6+ years actually mattered and continues to matter. I wish I could live near you and see you all the time. At least you actually care if I'm suffering and need help. I know you would never abandon me after all that we've been through and done for each other. I understand how much you care now. Still totally floored by it. I can't believe I'm slowly but surely being abandoned by my own father for his new girlfriend he's ridiculously gaga over and convinced he's going to marry after not even 5 months together. He doesn't want to take care of me at all anymore (and I don't really want him to have to either since his heart is so bad now again and he WON'T be getting a pacemaker.) He doesn't want to live with me. He doesn't want to be around me anymore than he has to as my only remaining parent. I woke up from an awful dream (which is a dream that's been repeating since my mom died or maybe even before, more times than I could possibly count) in which I was in agony and needed help and was crying and desperate and my dad and everyone else just ignored me. I have this dream (with slight variations like location changes) more often than I've ever had any dream in my life. Everytime I try to tell it to my dad, the dream interpreter, he just gets mad at me for my own subconscious being terrified of and not emotionally strong enough to be losing him. Which IS what is happening. He wants to dump me in some house with other disabled people and caretakers so he doesn't ever have to deal with me and my health shit (which HE passed onto me through genes) anymore. He says he just wants to "be my dad" which at this point means him living all the way in Santa Cruz with this woman and seeing me maybe once a week. I can't honestly believe this is really happening. He promised. Before my mom died, it was the one thing I was most terrified of. Losing HIM after losing my mom to cancer. And he promised so many times both me and my mom that that would never ever ever happen. I feel completely empty. I have nothing left in my gas tank to keep suffering and struggling through every day with this amount of emotional turmoil on top. It's only getting so much worse as he withdraws.. even though he's still currently employed by the state of California as my official caretaker and is being paid for it. He's not making his hours anymore. He's barely even here. I don't know if I've ever felt so hopeless and alone before in my life.. I've never been so terrified and overwhelmed and this is all coming at me RIGHT as I get back from a DESPERATELY NEEDED vacation, which helped me so much.. desperately needed by my horribly tortured and PTSD'd psyche. And my dad doesn't even get it. He's acting like I shouldn't have gone and shaming me for it because of how much pain I'm in now and how bad off I am. So many of my joints are out of place but I even told him about my conversation with this incredible human Dallon, who is legitimately my friend on some level now, and how much it meant that he actually checks up on me to see how I'm doing and was concerned about how I was feeling after the drive and the show... it's Iike none of that means shit in my dad's mind. To him it was a waste of money and a bad decision cuz now I'm in bad shape so HE has to actually do his job of taking care of me and he doesn't like it or want to. God. Seeing Dallon and being away helped my emotional state so much more than anything since my mom's cancer returned over 2 years ago... and now it's fucking ruined. Thanks so much for being so negative about the things that actually make me happy, dad. Thanks so much for telling me repeatedly last week that I wouldn't be able to handle the trip to LA because of my pain and making me feel like I was doomed to fail. Things are finally getting to a point where I legitimately will not be able to go on.. unless I find a fucking rich enough person to date/marry who can afford me the mobility devices and expensive pain treatment options I so badly need. It's so fucked up and awful that I have to actually think seriously about taking that route because of the way my dad has chosen to move forward in life without me and because I know I can't survive the way he's trying to force me to live. I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life. If you're family or know my dad, PLEASE do me a HUGE favor and don't contact him about this. It will unfortunately only make things a LOT worse for me. He does not respond the way you would expect a seasoned, extremely well-educated psychologist would. When it comes to his daughter, he believes things like that I should be able to control (and that I actually AM able to) my anxiety and tears when I'm horribly anxious and upset. As if I'm personally insulting him and trying to make things harder for him and I'm just crying or having an anxiety attack from him raising his voice at me in what I tried to present as a rational conversation to slight him. "You can control it, you just don't want to." I can't even count how many times he's told me that I can control my anxiety and adrenaline problem if I actually "wanted to." That makes me so sick. Coming from a psychologist, that's so fucked up. I am not a super human. Why the fuck would you think I could control things that others can't when I have WAY more to deal with health-wise and life-wise than most people with anxiety and mental illlness? A lot of you are former students or extended family who only know one or two sides to him, not the true person he is at home as a father and caretaker of a daughter with one of the top four most painful and debilitating conditions ever discovered and studied by man. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do, or what the hell is going to happen to me now. But I love you all. Especially you, Dallon James Weekes. Thank you for just fucking existing and being kind and brave enough to put yourself out there for the rest of us to enjoy your amazing personality, talent, and spirit too. Thank you for telling and showing me how much I matter and mean to you. I really fucking hope I can find some strength and fuel left in my empty tank to keep going through this hell and maybe make it out the other side somehow. I want to be there at your future shows. I want to be there to watch this band blow up. I want you to continue to see me in the audience and make direct eye contact and talk to me via hand signals because you're too far away and it's too loud in there to speak. I'm still beyond floored at how much you actually like me.. and the look on your face when you first spotted me in the crowd the other night was one of the sweetest things ever and I won't forget that ever ever ever, nor will I forget the way you say my name or smile and wink at me while conversing. Thank you for giving me that last week. You have no fucking idea how much you matter. How many times you have legitimately saved me from ending it all, just because of who you are and how much love I have for you and KNOWING even years ago that you would be heartbroken if I ever actually did commit and you found out (which you would).. That's what stopped my self-harming years ago and what stopped my actual attempts at ending my life. Him. This man. He is the reason I am still here, among others of course. It's not solely him. But he is a massive MASSIVE reason I am still here and without more scars all over my body from self-harm, trying to make the pain go to my skin where it's cut instead of my brain focusing on all the pain in my body and joints. Unfortunately I've gotten to this point where I seem to have no way forward that is actually emotionally sustainable for me. My entire body and mind are both still in full PTSD trauma mode from losing my mom and the months before we lost her when the cancer made her crazy and cruel and heartless. Can't even remember how many times she called the cops on me near the end because we got into a shouting match (initiated by her) and she would tell them I was being violent and physically hurting her or trying to push her down the stairs (these things would always happen when my dad wasn't home, too.) The cops would always come into my room to talk to me and tell me they could understand what an awful situation I was in but there was nothing they could do. One of them once came in and saw my weed on the bed, where it's obviously illegal to possess or consume in Georgia, and he only asked how much/often I use it. It was already abundantly clear to them by the time he spotted it that I'm badly disabled by pain and the horror of my mom's condition, and he knew I needed it. Didn't say another word after I told him I only use it medically for pain and anxiety/depression and my stomach etc. Imagine dealing with that in the last months before your mom's mind deteriorates and she dies of cancer, so you can't even fucking spend time with her in her last days or try to make things right for fear of hearing more unforgettably awful words from her. I still haven't been able to go to regular therapy to deal with all of my grief and emotional scars from it either because of how bad my body and pain has been since. I've made it to about three appointments total so far. I have another tomorrow WITH my dad that is looking more and more like it will have to be postponed because I can't fucking move and my dad is choosing to be out for hours when I need him or ANYONE here to help me out so I might ACTUALLY be in good enough shape to go tomorrow. I just want to be free. I want to be happy. I was so happy last week, happier than I can even remember last being. Why do I only EVER get a few days of good and happy life before it all goes back to utter fucking hell? I don't get it. Sorry for this ridiculously long post... I just feel so completely alone and hopeless now and I really don't know what's going to happen to me if I don't find a friend or boyfriend or girlfriend to help me out, love me, and live with me. In desperate need of both physical and emotional support right now from friends and really anyone. Guess I have no choice but to start seriously searching for a well-off man or woman to date, regardless of their personality or whether I'm even attracted to them. I really can't believe this is what my life turned into. I had such a happy and healthy childhood until age ten when all of the pains and illnesses started to show their nasty faces. I could have never imagined this. I do remember being in like 1st grade art class and the teacher telling us about Frida Kahlo and how she was in a horrific bus crash that left her disabled and in excruciating pain. That was the first time I had ever heard the term "excruciating pain" and I've never forgotten that particular lesson for some reason.. Probably because it was basically foreshadowing my future. I remember being horrified by the mere thought of excruciating pain, and hoping I never ever had to experience that. And look where I am now LOOOOOOL. Must've been the psychic stuff in my brain latching onto that knowledge/sentence because it was already predetermined that I would end up in excruciating pain, thanks to the shitty genes that were passed on to me. So yep! My life fucking sucks.

[aquarianlights]

OKAY FINALLY....HERE IS WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON. I’M SORRY THIS IS SO LONG AND SO LATE. FUCK.

((C/Ped this from a FB post, so there may be a few...not understandable things here, but for the most part, you'll get what I'm saying. Tried to edit it to fit a generalized linguistic standard, so to speak. Idk. I tried. Here you go.))

OKAY Now that I'm finally not entirely exhausted and am not ready to jump off a bridge (yet), I am gonna fucking type this up coz everyone is asking me what's going on and I can't keep up with y'all. Damn. Okay, so. . .

The past two weeks have been fucking...awful. Literally the worst two weeks of my life I had ever had. It began with me doing something VERY illegal and my mom figuring it out when I didn't think it would happen the way it did. In fact, for someone who has a catastrophic thinking problem, I'm surprised this scenario did not enter my mind at any moment.

It was the moment I said "Wow. I really am a drug addict." I mean, I've known I was an addict for literally years but after what I did, I just couldn't even...I mean, this is something I could have gone to prison for life or double life for. So it kinda just...woke me up and I was like "fuck" but I kept going anyways and then I ran out of pills and everything else and didn't know what to do. . . which is precisely the moment my mom had found out what I had done.

Bad timing.

So she blocks me in the basement with her car so that I can't use my car. And it's been YEARS of me saying to my father "Can I PLEASE buy my car from you so I have legal ownership?" Every day. . .same response. . . "Yeah, of course! Just let me get around to it." Like...this goes on for like...since maybe 2013? 4ish years later...my mom starts holding it over my head. "The car isn't even legally yours so if you take it anywhere, I will just call the police and tell them you stole it." Well I couldn't anyways because she blocked me in with her car. The only way I could have driven it was directly off the mountain cliff and over the edge, which I was considering, but felt too scared that I might hurt an animal in the process since it's all forest and trees and such where I am and our neighbours down the road have free-roam dogs. So despite the fact I would have LOVED to have just gunned the accelerator off the edge of that cliff, I didn't.

Then they barricade me in my room and won't let me out. This isn't unusual. Normally they turn off the power to the basement and leave me down there. But this time they actually barricaded me in the ROOM and not just the basement. I had no water and no access to water. Or anything else. And then my mom would come pounding on my door and screaming and at one point she had my dad hold me down while she took every single one of my medications, including the most important one, my mood stabilizer, and ripped them out of my hands. So after that, I was just screaming at the top of my lungs and pulling my hair out and banging my head against the wall remembering "Only the head has pain receptors. The brain doesn't." Thinking maybe if I could just bash my skull in to the point of brains, then I wouldn't feel anything and could physically rip my brain out by pieces since I wouldn't be able to feel anything. But then my parents came downstairs obviously coz of the noise of me banging my head against the wall as hard as I could and I ran and pushed the couch in my room against the door and pushed the table against that and pushed the bed against that. Which ...minus a small triangular bureau thing by my bed, that's all the furniture in my room.

So...I couldn't get out or in for days. This was during a period of which my dad had just gotten out of the geriatric ward and my mom was dealing with his new weird habits and medication reactions. So obvs, I mean, I'M the one who barricaded myself in. Why should they deal with me? I get that.

I just...pulled the barricade out from my side and pushed on the other side for what felt like hours until it gave out. I grabbed my bag, put my laptop and notepad for school in it, chargers, phone, and left.

Now. . .if you've ever been up my mountain, you'll know it's a 10 minute DRIVE up there. Nah, fam, I walked all that. And then walked more...and more...and more...and there was no signal...anywhere...Idk how long I walked. But I was wearing odd clothing because nothing was clean obviously. I was wearing a sweater with nothing underneath and shorts and plaid shoes and I had lost my glasses so I didn't even have those. And I ended up somewhere on this road...Idk how far I went but I kept checking for service to text any friend to see if they would let me couch hop for one or two nights. But no. No signal. So I started walking back.

It was too hot. I laid down on the very edge of the pavement of this tiny, windy, backroad and I remember looking up at the trees and seeing the sun shine through the leaves and just...being in awe of the beauty. I went to take a picture of it with my phone but then I blacked out.

Somewhere during this time, a car almost hit me and left skid marks on the road which the police pointed out later. Idk if I was awake for that or not. But then I woke up to this really sweet mom and she had her van stopped beside me and she was holding me and shaking me and her little ...gradeschooler(??) age kid was like screaming at her like "IS HE ALIVE!?" or something. I'm not entirely sure what. Somewhere during that time, local 911 dispatch was called from my phone. Maybe I did it. Maybe she did. Idk. But local 911 dispatch works even when you don't have service, so. . .thank god for that? I guess. Maybe not. It probably would have been better if I had just been hit by a car and died, honestly.

Legit 3 ambulances and 1 cop car showed up. I was withdrawing really, really badly and I hadn't had any water in literal days and I obviously hadn't eaten in even longer than that. I was super dehydrated and malnourished and overexhausted, yet my stats were okay. Like, everything like my BP and temp and pulse checked out. My BP is chronically low and lowered even more by the BP med I take for migraines so it's obvious that it was a "little high, but normal". And my temp was not too high. And my pulse wasn't thready, which I had already checked myself to make sure I could just go to sleep on the road and wake up later after resting. The EMT's said I could go with them or not. And the cop said "You're 25. If you wanna walk away from me right now and keep walking down that road and go to sleep on the side of the road, I can't stop you. But by the skid marks on the road here (like I mentioned), I'm pretty sure you're going to get hit by a car. So..." I mean, well, if that's not my damn white privilege at its finest... But, anyways, I said "Yeah, y'know what, I'm just gonna keep walking." Then the cop pulls me aside and is like "No. I really don't think you should." And one of the EMTs knew my mom from when she worked at the same hospital he worked at and had been up to our house plenty of times. So he drove up to her house and brought her back because, yknow...no service. And I told the police and EMTs to just...lemme go from there. I didn't want police involved. Coz, as the officer said, "You're 25. You make your own decisions at this point in life." So I did.

I adamantly told my mother I wasn't going back with her and she was about to scream at me but then I threw up blood. Just...pure blood. And idk how I got to Asheville Memorial Trauma Center, but I did. They had a helipad. It was like being in a Grey's Anatomy episode coz they're a level 1 trauma center. Omg. So cool. They had all this fancy equipment like that green vein scan thingy where you run it over the AC or the hand and it just shows you where the veins are so you don't have to feel for them. It was fascinating.

I got stuck maybe 8 times, though. For blood draws and such. Coz my veins are small and they roll and I'm a very hard stick.

I don't remember much from the time I was there but we didn't leave until like...idk, idr, maybe 4am? We got home around 6am. Dad had locked us out of the house. The key was in view on the inside from the window and I was delirious and laughing while my mom was fuming angry and screaming for my dad to wake up and pounding on the door.

Something happened between this that I don't remember. Lots of black-out periods, obvs.

I slept. I withdrew. Hard. Lots of pain. This is day 5 of totally nothing and there's STILL lots of pain. Then the same thing happened. My mom barricaded my car in and took my meds from me and locked me in the basement. So I said...fuck it....and lied and said I had friends to stay with, even though I hadn't even contacted anyone at this point yet. Coz I figured that would make her let me leave if she knew a friend was involved. And she still wouldn't let me out unless I gave a full name, address, and telephone number. She kept saying this was all for "my safety". I couldn't handle it. I can't handle being in that house anyways. Anyone with depression will know that environment affects your moods VERY highly. So I was not only withdrawing from opiates, benzos, ambien, a BP med for migraines, but also cold turkey from my mood stabilizer. Like, I'm surprised I didn't die. I wish I would have. I have never been in so much pure physical and mental agony in my life.

I don't remember much of the next few days. And I don't remember how we came to an agreement, but my mom gave me my meds back and let me out and let me take my car. I was crying and screaming so hard because she told me if I didn't come home and stay home, she was going to take my dog to a kill shelter. And there was nothing I could do.

I went down somewhere in town on a backroad where no one would find me in the pure dark and called my old therapist. He recommended several good 7-day detox programs for me that also handle psych issues. Because rehabs won't take me due to my psych issues because they don't have the capability to handle psych medications.

I had somehow convinced my mom to let me sleep in my car that night. She had been screaming about how "Human beings DO NOT live in cars, Killian!" And such nonsense that typical cis white baby boomers babble about. I don't remember much of that night. But I ended up in a hotel somehow. Where I have been for the past few days. I went to volunteer, got that job, was about to go scrub shopping with my mom when the withdrawals just got too intense and I thought "My doctor is a former addict. Like. Everyone knows this. He SHOULD help me. Right?" Wrong.

We went to my doctor and he was literally screaming at me and pointing his pen in my face saying he wasn't going to be manipulated by a bipolar drug addict anymore. And I have NEVER been diagnosed bipolar. Ever. That has never come up even once except with him. I am most definitely NOT bipolar. And when I said that, he's like screaming at me that I'm definitely bipolar and that he's cutting me off of everything except my mood stabilizer and that I need to get in with a psychiatrist if I want my benzos back, which are what I need, and a neurologist if I want my BP meds back, and where the hell I'm going to find Ambien to sleep? Fuck.

AND THEN He starts yelling about how he's never had a case of costochondritis in his 30-something years of being a doctor and that I am lying about it. But my mom was in the room and she's like quietly shaking her head. Because I have been diagnosed three times now with costo. It's supposed to be short term. But mine is long term and that's where it gets confusing because costo has never really lasted this long in many people in the entire world so far. And he just screams at me that it's all psychological and that I have too many problems and that I'm never going to make it through school, so why am I even trying, and then says that I am probably going to be living in a state mental institution by the age of 30 or less.

I just walked out at this point. Thank god I had my car. I drove off. Drove. For a while. Got lost. Stopped at a rest stop and texted my platonic soul mate. I was ready to drive to New Orleans right then without anything at all. But I calmed down a bit after popping one of the few ativan or valium (Idr) I have left and came up with a better plan because even my therapist said "You're being dismissive of my help. I don't think you want my help. This is not going to end well." But no. I don't even care anymore. I'm going to get through this.

Got set up in a very cheap hotel near my volunteer shelter for 3 days to sort things out and come up with a plan. So I have been wracking my brain and doing SO much research and talking to so many friends about potential living arrangements. But nothing came up. I need to be in a city or heavily populated suburb because I cannot HANDLE being isolated and I cannot handle living by myself either.

So best friend and I eventually came up with a plan. Thank god her roommates are such wonderful people. I love them both so much.

The Tech school I can AFFORD to get into is in Asheville. And I want more hands on experience than the online world is giving me. I want to be able to dissect things and do actual venipuncture restraint positions on dogs bigger than me and I want to do all these things PHYSICALLY. I want HANDS-ON experience and I just...can't get a shadowing position in such a small town.

Problem being, if I leave NC for over a month, I lose my disability, SSI, EBT, and Medicaid. I could do without disability, SSI, and EBT...but I cannot afford my medications without Medicaid. So I'm not sure what I'm going to do while going to school because I only get about 650ish a month from my disability and about 50 from my SSI and 74 on my EBT which my parents use because I really don't eat coz of my anorexia and depression and anxiety combo. But my Medicaid pushes meds that are normally around 200-300 dollars out of pocket, even with discounts like GoodRx, pushes them all the way down to 3 dollars a piece. And my mood stabilizer is especially pricey. So Idk what I'm gonna do when I move in with someone in Asheville coz I will want to be focusing on school and shadowing/interning and volunteering and not have to worry about working, but then. . .I want to work, too. But only at a vet's office or somewhere that deals with medical things. I'm literally 1 class away from getting my vet transfer degree. But do you know why I started over from scratch? Because I can't handle the speech class which is the last and only class I need AND because this degree, albeit a fully accredited AA, is nothing more than a "Here. You have taken all the gen ed classes and a million extracurriculars and now you can use this degree to get into a vet tech school!" Which, I mean, is great, because I REALLY want to get into North Carolina Univeristy in Raleigh. . .that would be my ideal school for vet tech training in this state (not my ideal state, obvs...I hate the south and I want to live in Massachusetts, but it's too expensive). But. . .the in-state tuition is above 10k. I highly doubt any sort of financial aid would cover all of that, even with Pell Grants.

Yes, I realize that becoming a tech and then going for the full vet surgeon licensing is gonna put me in debt until long after I die and that I'm going to be paying back literal millions of dollars worth of loans for the rest of my life and beyond. But why go to a school like that for 10k when they have the same hands-on program at a fully accredited community college? I never even realized how much of a difference the community college price versus university price was. . .because I've had Florida Pre-Paid this whole time and haven't had to pay anything big yet and right now my loan paybacks are at about 1k-2k at the most. I just...would uh...to add a 10k on top of that... (for one semester)...and then another 10k (for one more semester)...then two more 10k's for the last two semesters....I don't know if I could do all that. And then I have to PAY to take three different tests and if I fail even one, all that training was for nothing. And of course, applications and records and SAT score retrieval all cost money, too. AND THIS IS JUST FOR TECH SCHOOL. NOT EVEN FULL VET LICENSING AND SURGICAL LICENSING. So despite NC State and Raleigh being my dream in this state. . .it's just not. . .I don't think it's a wise decision. So I'm aiming for Asheville.

Now. . .all my disability money and SSI will be going to rent and utilities and I'm totally willing to share my EBT with whatever roommate I end up with, but I will lose ALL of that if I start any kind of job. Even a min wage retail job. And I'm fine with that. I will work till it kills me to make rent and utilities and such. But it's the FUCKING MEDICAID. If I start working, I lose my Medicaid, too. ...and I can't afford my meds without it. So...I'm not sure what to do here. I don't have credit yet but if I were to GET a credit card and gain credit, it would immediately be awful because of all my medical debt and there's no coming back from that coz I just can't do it in this economy. Which is exactly why I have put off getting any sort of credit. For...my entire adult life.

But right now...my plan is...go to New Orleans with my three good friends. Stay there for 2 weeks-month tops, which they said is totally fine and I'm completely welcome. Not like we haven't done this before in opposite situations anyways. Lmao. We help each other as much as we can. Next step? Gain roommate in Asheville through several roommate matching sites I found. Move there. THEN work on getting into the college I want and transferring my online credits and all the credits from the two other colleges I'm in and transferring my SAT scores whilst attempting to find an internship or shadowing position. And after that? I'm really not sure. I don't have a plan from there. But my mom agreed to keep my double coat dog brushed, cleaned, updated on his shots, fed properly like I feed him (NO HUMAN FOOD DAMNIT), bathed, nails clipped, butt shaved, and get the anesthesia dentistry done he needs for the next 2 years while I get my life in order. It's going to literally kill me to be away from him like that. But she said if I am not "stable to her liking" in 2 years, she will put him in a kill shelter. So not only do I WANT to do this, I HAVE to do this. Because if that happened. . .that would be the absolute last straw at any chance I would have of recovery. That dog is my life. Hell, I have his name tattooed on my wrist. I spend every waking second with him and even these couple weeks of in and out of consciousness was hell without him. I was worried about him every goddamn second and I could hear him borking and howling upstairs while I was barricaded downstairs and it would just kill me. It was like I could physically feel my heart being stabbed.

Annnd....Idk how I'm going to find a roommate that will take in an asexual, polyamorous, panromantic, nerdy recluse like me with questionable future financial stability and no credit. But even if I have to live in my car to get through school, find a place, and get my dog with me, I'll do it. I'm HOPING I will find a roommate that likes me AND a vicious little (read: very large) neurotic pomeranian in tech school. Someone who ALSO has a dog or AT LEAST a cat so that my dog will not be lonely while I am gone all day. I don't want to have to take him in with me alone and then be gone literally all day and only see him for 2 seconds before falling asleep and getting the only interaction with him possible at feeding time and to briefly take him out to go potty. I don't want that for him. He needs more. He deserves more. At least, leaving him with my mom and dad, he will be safe and taken care of and will have his "sister" and the cats to play with and he can bork to his hearts content. And my dad is retired and my mom only works 4 days a week, so he will be walked every day and taken out appropriately and I made them sign a document stating they would do this for 2 years.

So...tomorrow...I am scouring Asheville, every surrounding town within a 15 mile radius, and one within a 20 mile radius, to see what everything looks like in person and make sure the areas are diversified and active and are NOT a small town or even close to a regular sized town, but much bigger and much more diversified than a goddamn southern town with a bunch of white deer hunting orange overlord voters and then I'm gonna make it back in time for the Discovery premiere (Trekkie thing) coz it will be legendary. Like...Kirk's premiere, kinda legendary. And then I'm gonna pack after that, cuddle with my dog all night, and...leave for New Orleans whenever I wake up if I manage to sleep. Or leave when I finally decide "Fuck it, I can't stay in bed any longer." And I'll say goodbye to my dog.....and...cry..a lot...and hug him and kiss him and take tons of pictures and oh god now I'm crying.

That's all just the basics, though. There has been a lot of other less major stuff going on that's getting to me but. . .I will be so goddamn happy to see my three friends that are taking me in that I think I'm gonna cry good tears when I get there.

It’s really hard to think straight when you’re withdrawing AND the most impulsive person in the world.

Just gotta say...I thought dealing with generalized anxiety without meds was hard. Nah...dealing with panic disorder without meds is impossible. I can't fucking do anything without having a mostly physical style panic attack every 2 goddamn seconds. Feels worse than withdrawals, honestly. I have a couple benzos left...but literally only like 2 ativan and maybe 5 valium? So...trying to save those for like...really hard moments like the first day of an internship or something. So I have a plan about that, too, and Idk if it’s going to work, but I am DONE writing right now.

THANK YOU GOODNIGHT.

[makomaragi]

A lot of people have been asking me for the full story of what happened with my horse, why I sold her, and how & why I got her back. This is seriously the craziest thing that has ever happened to me and I feel as though my luck in life has run out. gonna get long so

I’ve had Jazmine for 2 years. She would go lame on and off, and as someone who rides very hard, I didn’t want to hurt her. Jazzy loved to jump and loved to run! I jumped her, we ran barrels, and never once did she act like she was in pain while doing these things. I would have stopped if she had. It was always the next day or the day after that she limped. Jazmine loved doing these things - she got excited for the jumps and the barrels. She loved it because I loved it, we both got excited. 

I had several vets out for her to try to figure out what was wrong. We tried different shoes, we tried supplements, and over the course of MONTHS of thousands of dollars in vet bills I still didn’t have an answer as to what was wrong with her. It could be navicular, it could be ring bone, I still don’t have an answer.

I decided that Jazzy would have a life better suited as a pasture pet. I was paying $300+ a month in board for a horse I didn’t ride (which was my choice - I didn’t want to hurt her.) I wanted her to go to a good home...where I could visit her, where she would be loved. I reached out to the lady who I got her from to see if she wanted her back but she didn’t have room at her barn. After half a year of trying to rehome her with someone I knew, I posted her on CraigsList and Facebook. 

A guy contacted me and asked to come look at her - he had a donkey farm that he showed me photos of, and said he wanted Jazzy for his nephew. He asked me all the right questions - what she was eating, what bit I used to ride her, what her lameness issues were (because I didn’t cover that up in the ad) and all of that stuff. He took her that day. That wasn’t weird to me - I myself have bought horses and took the trailer because you’re coming from far away, it’s pretty common actually.

 I cried that entire week. I missed my girl, but told myself, she’s fine, she’s on a farm living happily. I texted him and asked him how she was doing and he said she’s great, they love her. etc. I never asked to visit because I thought it would be too hard on me and her. It was out of sight and out of mind and at this point, emotionally, for me, was what I needed. I loved my horse but I needed a break from this. 

This was all in late March.

Last Sunday evening I went to bed early. I woke up early Monday to a TON of text messages from people I knew from the barn. 

Jazmine was listed on Facebook as a kill pen “end of the line” rescue. She was shipping out to auction/slaughter on Wednesday morning. I had 24 hours to figure out how to get my horse back and safe to me. 

I was at work all day Monday and I was distraught. My manager told me to go home. I stayed and groomed my dogs. My manager told me I needed to call the guy that had her. I did and he claimed he had no idea why she was on there. He said he gave her to his nephew and doesn’t know what happened to her after that. 

I don’t think there ever was a nephew, I don’t think any of it was true, he wanted to sell my horse to auction/slaughter from the beginning. 

 I literally sat on a grooming table and sobbed for a good part of the day. I called my mom sobbing my eyes out. I had no idea what to do, I didn’t even know where to start. All I knew was I needed to get Jazmine back. She didn’t deserve this. 

I posted a comment on the FB post about her saying that this was my horse and I wanted her back. I’d pay, I didn’t care. I was getting so angry at all of the people saying how pretty she was and it was a shame she was where she was and stuff. People were bashing me for letting her end up in this situation because I obviously didn’t love her if I sold her for ‘lameness issues’. My friends were commenting and defending me and I was just so sick of this mess that I created. I also had people messaging me offering money to help me get her back. 

I got in contact with the barn that had her, got in contact with the owner of the barn I used to have Jazzy at. She was being kept VERY close to my barn, only a few miles away. 

We went to pick her up at 10 on Tuesday morning. The second I saw her in that field with those other horses I just started bawling. They were having trouble getting her from the field, so my friend told me to go over and call to her, she always came to me. Her head went straight up as soon as she heard my voice and she made her way over to me. I wrapped my arms around her head and just cried. 

The people at the rescue barn were super nice. They said they were creeping on my FB that evening, looking at my photos of Jazzy, and looking at Jazzy, and realized, yes, this was my horse. They had a farrier check her out and he thinks she has navicular. Her feet were done a day before that. She had been to several auctions and were bought by this lady hoping to sell her as a camp horse, but was sending her back to auction because she was too lame to be a camp horse all summer. The auction they were going to send her to was a huge ‘meat auction’ and there is a very high possibility she would have been bought by a kill buyer and sold to slaughter. Who knows what would of become of her had I not intervened. 

I paid $700 of my saved money from work for her back. I honestly do not even care about the money, I just needed her to be safe, I needed her to be back with me. 

She has been back at my barn now for 6 days and seems completely fine. She has a few old bite marks, and her back was pretty sore (which in the 2 years I had her, she has NEVER had back problems.) but other than that she seems perfectly fine. 

I am so glad this ordeal is over. I can’t believe how lucky I am that I got her back. I thank goodness that my friend saw the ad posted of her and contacted me and I was able to get her, I’m so glad I didn’t find out when it was too late because I would not have been able to live with myself. 

So....that’s how and why I have Jazzy back. As for what I’m going to do with her, I don’t know. But I’m going to keep her, that’s for sure. I don’t need a show horse, I just want to enjoy her company. 

[aitian]

8/12 3am

this is another dream i felt like i had before. i was in a park, next to a squirrel, a wolf, and a giraffe. the squirrel would chase me causing the wolf and the giraffe to chase the squirrel. i ran across a bridge and climbed a sign, only to have it break. and as the sign somehow wobbled back and forth, i sat on top swinging, swinging and watching my shadow on the ground swing back and forth. before moving at all i thought carefully about this plan and climbing the sign was the goal. maybe it meant the wolf wouldn’t hurt me but i would get tohave an experience.

2nd dream was about a chase as well. in a dirty city… i forget why. but i hid in a corner and saw my friends who were also running disguise themselves as an old man and a homeless man, and our pursuers ran by. we went to a restaurant, i think owned by our aunties, maybe the chopsticks auntie or smth. and my job was to wash the vegetables. they had already been julienned though lol but i spent so long washing  the julienned carrots because there was so much. all the while i was listening to these three rude old dudes sitting outside complaining about the service because no one went to take their order. finally i went inside and asked the young man who was the only one working to check on them. and the dream shifts to his pov and he explanis to the jeerin g men that he will be the new owner, and he grabs my rpevious character close, who i guess is a woman, and says she will be his wife and co-owner, and the men grudgingly comment on their appproval.

the last dream i am a spoiled chinese girl waiting for her spoiled chinese boyfriend to take her to the movies. we are both attractive in the way chinese tv likes young people to be. im waiting for him to text, waiting, and im angry that he has forgotten again. and i fall asleep on my bed, and have a dream. my dream is his dream. he says i his dream, he put on these lenses?glasses? and his eyes became unbearably cute, and everyones stares made him feel unsaafe. tjen he put on another pair and his eyes glowerd red, and everone seemed intimidated, and he felt comfort in that. waking up from his dream, he realized everyone looked at him that way already, and nothing had changed.

-- afternoon

having a crush is this immense flooding of feeling stupid, like only a fool would expect desire to bridge the gap

. i thought about him, a picture of his sister catching his hat at graduation, violence & empire

. told some dumb bby queer in the columbia class fb group not to ask students to out their profs online so he could have a list of q/t professors. he was very entitled to placing this information on a public forum, insisted that it was not an issue (for you?) i responded once briefly, then let it die. i told myself i needed to be as short as possible to not be anxious posting, but my heart still sped up thinking about arguing w someone so publicly over some shit i didn’t want people to ID me for.

. signed up for okcupid. just to see who’s around. lots of white people. anime subs vs dubs is a question they all needed to answer in their profiles.

--

8/12/2020, 11pm

today mom told me the story again about her life with dad. we walked after dinner along the path that led through the trees outside our neighborhood, and sat on the steps outside the Videon company. she was in beijing. she was dating a man who was tall and thin, who was clean and orderly, who cooked for her. he was insecure that she had a phd and he was only a college graduate. she always felt he had his guard up, couldn’t speak from his heart, insecure. they had only been seeing each other for a while, but she decided she should move on. she went on a date with dad, set up by a mutual friend. she says her first impression was how short and stout he was. pale, a scholar. or nerd. didn’t know how to make good conversation, and while she fantasized about expectations before meeting him each time, their dates were very plain, boring. she says he probably felt she didn;t have much interest in him either. the setting up felt stale, rehearsed, like there was a path to follow that was already laid out. he went home for his younger brother’s wedding, and never talked to her again. their mutual friend says to mom, us from henan, when we talk, we say what we mean. but these hebei people could say ten things and none of them would be truthful. they had no contact for months. three days before dad was supposed to leave for america, my grandmother came to beijing to help him pack and send him off. she brought the money the government game them, untouched, for my grandfather’s death. and it was stolen. my grandmother passed out, and was sent to the hospital. mom says my grandmother thought dad should have gotten together with mom, that if they had been together, none of this would have happened. dad went to her office to find her, and her colleagues said she was on lab. and his thick-headed self thought she was at a homophonous company in the tech district. and as he was headed down, she was headed up, and they met in the stairwell. if they had missed each other, then they would have never met again. but he told her what happened, and she went with him to the hospital, and she helped him pack and sent him off. i wanted to ask what compelled her to do that. im guessing it was what he said, a mother in the hospital, a near departure… maybe it was the beginning of a romantic feeling. she only fell in love with him after they had both settled in america. she said things were more simple when they got away from the messiness of china… the city, the relationships. mom says her mother was grateful because she thought mom would have trouble getting married. in my head i laughed.. her stubborn ass… they knew. she said dad’s mom saw her as a good fit. which was cruel irony thinking about my first years. mom says she had never argued with dad before grandma came. so many of his bad habits started then. she told me about this because we talked about dad being childish at home, refusing accountability, using manipulative tactics to ignore us and center himself, trying to blame others for his mistakes. we talked about mom’s shitty coworkers. we talked about adeles mom and dad, their abusive relationship, the abusive dads, and the societies of fear (scarcity) that made our community members brilliant fools. mom said she could never forget that guy she dated before dad, though i think she didn’t really mean it because she said again how he was always guarded around her. i wanted to tell her, mom, i have liked a boy a lot too. during high school. his name is andrew, and he has been on my mind a lot recently since coming home. he was really good to me, mom. sometimes i wish i was more brave. but i didn’t say anything. i was looking at the clouds, and they were moving earlier. they were moving west, then east, then west, and they stopped. and then they vanished. the sun was setting, and mom said they probably flew away. but i said no, they vanished. dad came over, i could tell it was him because he walked cute like donald duck. he said this was his regular exercising place. as if he even left the house to exercise regularly, much less walk to our spot, the place he knew we would be. we got up and left after a while because it was getting dark. later i would hear dad complaining downstairs about how we didn’t stay to watch him dance, and how that was what had held him back. shameless.

there are some memories of stories that i just cannot say were things i made up, but i have so little recollection of what and how they were told.

when mom was in alabama, her boss or maybe coworker tried to date her. i guess she was not into white men. maybe it was one of the things that pushed her toward dad.

mom has had a miscarriage before. im not sure about the context. i think i remember her telling me when she was upset many years ago, or maybe just casually. it might have been something she thought should be kept a secret, or just something moms don’t talk about to their kids. i do remember her recounting more recently once while talking about being pregnant with me vs alice, that she had a bit of miscarriage each time. im not totally sure what that means but she said it like it was natural, a thing that just happened for some people. maybe a bit of bleeding and discharge.

i think i remember alice once telling me she thinks dad wants to be a woman but is too repressed to admit it. and then saying thats probably not it.

[rezilient-m3]

So, this past weekend I had my first scheduled, court ordered visit with my daughters. The last time I've seen them was Feb 2019 and last time I spoke to them was April 10th. I can say, though, that they seemed to have a genuinely good time here and didn't want to leave. That made me super happy. Plus, Alex came home for the weekend and they all got along too. I was worried a bit. But, all of us together worked. Our son loved having them here and to play with. I loved it.

This post is about what I've been through with James about the whole situation. It was impossible. I'll go back to Friday morning. He called me at 7am, so I knew right away he was drinking. That was a piss off. The court order was to meet in another city at 5pm Friday and take them back Sunday at 5pm. I knew it wasn't going to happen if it was up to him. I stayed on the phone for 3 hrs with him. I didn't want to lose the chance of not getting my visit, so I thought somehow, staying on the phone with him would help that? Idk whatever. It was 3 hrs of bitching about his gf. She kicked him out again, threatened to call the cops and blah, blah, blah. It was also him blaming me for EVERYTHING. Like, why did I leave him for Alex, or why did I "grow up" for Alex and not him, or why am I living in a house that's not mine? It was all senseless BS. But I didn't argue; I held my tongue. He tried to ask me to wait until the next morning to get my girls, then I can have them until Mon or Tues. I said no, it was my time with them and nobody was going to stop me.

He ended up going to his step dads, left me on the phone for a minute and I finally hung up. Now, I immediately contact my lawyer. Then, I called the family services they have on that reserve. On call worker told me she couldn't help because it was a court order not from anyone involving them, so it's out of her jurisdiction and said maybe try the cops. I call them. Talked to an officer and explained my situation. Girl's were at their house, with the gf, her kids and possibly other people drinking and their dad was at his dads. He said he couldn't just go in there and remove my kids because my order isn't "police enforced." But he offered to escort me to the house at about 430, just to "keep the peace". Whatever, that was fine. He called me back half hour later and said he was going to go check at the house, just to be sure everyone was okay. That was great I said.

I waiting over an hour and a half for that call back. I was worried. But here's what happened: they were found alone. There was 3 of our daughters, 2 of the gf's, one was the 7 month old baby they just had. So, my oldest is 9 (10 in 2 weeks) and her daughter is 10. Still not old enough to be old enough to watch a small baby. So cop said he was contacting family services to report everything. Apparently the gf got ahold of her ex MIL to go get the kids, so that's where I had to go get them. I showed up there at 3 ish.

I was so happy to finally see them.! But when they walked out that door I noticed how infested they were with lice... like caked.! The two youngest had it so bad they had their scalps covered in scabs. I was so mad. But I didn't say anything. The two youngest were also in winter boots lol. We were all happy anyways. When we pulled into my town I took them straight to the pharmacy to go ask what the pharmacist would recommend to help their scalp. She said, at first glance, it looked like it was from lice. I said, yes there's a lot. So, I bought 5 boxes (not cheap) and a fine comb. I was ready to spend hours in their hair. And that's exactly what i did, that night until 1am, and again all next morning Saturday until like 7 that evening. I can say they're not fully cleaned out but holee, there was a big difference in how their scalps looked and felt. My poor girls. Their fucken dad's excuse was allergies; they were allergic to shampoo. Bull fucking shit.

Anywhoo, next day is Sunday, the day they're supposed to go home. I contacted family services again and see what they planned on doing. She didn't really have a clue, but said she was going to forward all her notes to the office Monday and it was all up to her supervisor. But I told her I didn't feel comfortable about taking them back to that house. She understood. She advised me that I should keep them with me. She's also informed me that their dad and this girl have had multiple calls prior to this weekend. They already have "a huge file" (her words) on them already. Wow. I had no idea. So, after all the consideration, I decided to keep them.

Before I go on, I should throw in here that I had a spare cell phone I gave to my oldest. She wanted to talk to her half sister through Snapchat, so I let her. Those girls were still where I picked up mine. Noted. Anywhoo, I signed into Facebook with the account I had made them so their dad could facetime me for the calls he was (and still supposed) to give me 3x a week. I signed into it so she can talk to him if they missed him. Good idea? I'd like to think so. I'm not a horrible, vindictive person. My girl's honestly need him too. Then, I added my side of the family, her aunties and some of their cousins. Then, she found her family, including James' mom, her grandma. She had no idea they were coming, so she found out what had all happened that Friday. She was not happy. I heard her say to my girl that she was going to try get them to her. So, that Sunday, I did think of her. I would have took them to her if she was willing. But when I searched for her name on FB, I couldn't find her. She must have blocked me lol. Whatever. So, I thought if family services wanted me to take them to her on Monday, I'd gladly take them. I thought. I even mentioned this in one of the three long emails I've written to my lawyer. I had to explain every detail of why I decided to keep them with me, instead of following an order. Scariest decision I had to make because breaking a court order is serious. Like, the possibility of my stuff just getting thrown out. I'm still a little scared of that. But I thought that an opinion of a professional of advising me to keep them for their wellbeing would trump anything else, right? I hope.

So, it's still Sunday. Kids got put to bed at 1030, cuz Alex had to wake up at 5 am to get to work and I had to wake up and start calling everywhere important. I went out for my last smoke for the night and all of a sudden cops show up. Ask me some questions, I told them everything. They said grandma was down the street to pick them up and they were just here to keep the peace. I told them I didn't want them to go back to their dad. They said dad claims the same thing, that he's concerned for their safety. What a goof. I was pissed. And emotional, all of this caught me off guard, I started to cry. Especially that this fucken woman could have handled this better. She could have had the decency to talk to me her damn self instead of showing up at 11pm at night with the cops. What a bitch. She claimed she didn't know my number. I said, "James did, or she could have found me on fb, OR she could have told my daughter she needed to speak with me." What. A. Bitch. Cops actually said I can say no and keep them but I'd be breaking my order. It didn't matter if James has broken order after order, the one time I did it, and with every good reason, I was the one getting in shit. But I agreed to.

I woke them up, after I pulled myself together. Helped them get ready and pack clothes to go with their grandma. I cried after they were gone. Like ugly cried. For a long time. I'm so grateful my bf was with me through all of that. It would have been harder if he wasn't.

All day Monday I didn't hear anything. It was the hardest day to deal with because I just felt so discouraged and so scared that I fucked everything up. I'm still scared. But this morning (Tues) I finally got ahold of the supervisor at family services. She said she was still waiting for the police report because she couldn't make a final decision without it. Okay then. But I sent her before and after pictures of my kids hair, and told them a lot of relevant things that would help make their decision. As for the calls and files beforehand for James and his gf that were made, I asked if there was any way my lawyer can see them to help my case, she told me he can contact their lawyer for access. So, I've informed my lawyer and that email he replied to ASAP lol. Jerk. But he's contacting them and will let me know what he finds. Court is the 9th.

That is all that has happened in the last 5 days. A lot of highs and too many lows. I'm so glad my girls know where I live, they've seen their room and all the things I've been doing for them. They had fun, when we weren't in the bathroom, but even then, I got to have one on one with each of them. They know I love them and I'm trying to get them to be here permanently. They didn't even want to leave. That's what made me happy.

So, now, it's the waiting game. To see what happens with their case with family services and our court. I'm fighting for them until they're here. They deserve stability and I'm so happy I've grown enough to give them that. I can't wait to start my life with all of us here. They deserve better.

Until next time. ✌

Pray for me. 🙌

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 62

Well, this last mile has been a full one. Which is another way of saying that yet again, I’ve neglected posting for too long (a month maybe?). It feel like the weather has gotten warmer and everything has amped up. Buckle in, bc this is going to be a big spew, a catharsis of lots of things I don’t feel like I can say to anyone else; though of course I have been yakking to everyone about some of this.

First, the ugly: Going another round with H’s mother. I’ve realized how much of my years with H were spent managing her extremely fragile emotions. It’s exhausting. This time she outright told me that I didn’t respect her--of course if she respected me then she wouldn’t jump to the worst conclusion about my motives for my actions regarding MY child. It just infuriates me so much--and she totally defies all reason and logic and manages to make me feel like an inconsiderate, irresponsible jerk for not being omniscient or ordaining the universe. Another realization: she has always and will always treat me like an incompetent child and I am fucking DONE with it! I need her to move away. Not that it will end this shit, but it will hopefully make it less frequent and less potent. I now understand why my [current] sisters in law keep her at arm’s length. 

Also, regarding H: he’s so guarded everytime he’s around me. He’s like a big black cloud of tension and I feel like he brings shadows whenever I have to see him even briefly. What a reversal. Can it only be three months since I moved out? Poor thing, I gather he’s going through a rough patch right now, and possibly at slight odds with his dear mama as well. I do wish he would answer my legitimate inquiries about schedule though. I wish we had a better flow of comm, but he acts like I have a disease that will be communicated through the keyboard. So far things are passing between me and my mom and him. Which I know is not the adult way but like...if you won’t talk to me like a calm adult? He and his mom seem to be casting me as the enemy--but even combatants have parleys under a flag of truce. We have to resolve this sometime, but I’m perfectly willing to avoid it until he heals a bit more and is less dangerous to my peace of mind.

Ugh, just writing that out made me tense. On to the good!

The good: I’ve lost 17 lbs since January when I started this diet with my mom. I feel great this week too, bc I’m able to be more active with this nice weather. I also feel more productive at work, so all things are good. This all may be due to the next big event in my life detailed below momentarily; but I will say this: as the earth comes out of ice and is reborn to spring, so I feel reborn. This past week I have danced, grinned, sung, reconnected with musical theatre, etc. (and before that wrote!) in a way I haven’t in months. Some of this is due to this event--but I realize that before I get there I need to fill in one other item...

I went to visit an old friend from college, whom we will call S. This friend has been crazy about me since probably our second week of freshman astronomy, and it’s one of those where I’ve tried to make it work before and it just...won’t. This friend has stuck by me through all of this shit, and knows all of my flaws more intimately than almost anyone. He’s a complete vessel--a listener who won’t judge and who cherishes me no matter what. Which I know I take advantage of. Other than my mother, he’s the most unconditional relationship I have. If only he had his shit together and wasn’t illogically conservative. (We do NOT talk politics.) Also a bit sexist and racist--not that he’d ever act on them. For the sake of this bond we have I choose to ignore/avoid all that, but this is one of the reasons we just can’t make a relationship. But that doesn’t mean my visit was strictly platonic. I flatter myself that I contributed to his well-being in significant ways, but I definitely selfishly reveled in the experience of being cherished, and of the fierce, wonderful trust we share. I could cry just thinking about it--I can be so honest with him, about my ups and downs. And best of all: we are equals. Peers, partners, equals!!! I have never had that with a man. No matter the relationship. I find it sublime and somewhat irresistible. Even though I know it’s so unfair to him; bc we both know it can’t last forever. Anyway, that whole things has been good for me. Probably also bad in other ways. But it has reawakened a part of myself I thought gone forever, and that part is stronger than I ever remember it being. Trust and complete comfort are heady heady things. 

So from that we proceed to...drum roll...

I actually went on a date Saturday night. This is what I’ve been driving all my friends crazy about, and I hate myself for being such a spaz. They’re all darlings, but really, I need to get over myself. Which is why I’m going to try to exercise as much as possible here. 

So yeah, one of my coworkers has a brother. A brother who it turns out--came to visit our workplace months ago and was checking me out. Who then asked *repeatedly* to be introduced to me. Who, after I met him last month friended me on fb and then messaged me out of the blue about 2 weeks ago. Now, this man is brilliant (he’s a scientist--sexy and ridiculously intimidating at the same time), sophisticated, independent adult with a well-paying full time job and actual talent; he’s so freaking charming and good-hearted, he’s witty and considerate and he swing dances (swoon--if I dance with him my ovaries may never recover); not to mention my coworker is thrilled at the prospect. He’s also 5 years older than I am--I wasn’t exactly looking for age gap, but... Anyway, I’m still getting my brain to process the fact that he actually wants to spend time with me. Because his whole family is immortal--brilliantly talented, beautiful etc. And then there's me mere mortal with my messy-ass family. And all my baggage. And the fact that I’m trying desperately to crawl out of diapers and grow into a legit adult. I’m gonna throw some thoughts out below in no order or reason:

So the age gap: I was hoping to avoid it. After the good experiences of equality with S, who is only months older than I, I am wary of falling into the naive child role again. I am determined to be am equal adult, and yet already I feel myself pulled to alter my behavior--I can be so silly with S, and I feel like Charming here would think me immature--when around this guy. Also, he’s into scifi and have only moderate xp there, also he hikes and camps--the idea of hiking with him actually sounds utterly lovely (talk about day-dreaming), camping... But I mean I’m willing to try--I’m just so wary of losing myself again. Of putting his needs above mine and doing whatever I can to keep him from rejecting/punishing me. It’s so frustrating yet again how easily my bad habits kick in like clockwork. 

Speaking of my neurosis: I am WAY too invested in this. Super fixated. Some might say I’m obsessing. Which I suppose has always been my way with boys. But you’d hope I’d behave differently at 31 than I did when I was 12, 14, 15. So first I was mooning and daydreaming about him while grinning like a complete dope and humming songs (like, full out cliche) Sunday and Monday, and then I was stupid and was overtly flirty (like dude back off AB, you had *one* date) on Monday evening and he just--wham--dropped communications. I’ve heard nothing from him since, and I’m using all powers of mind control I possess and prayer (sorry God) to will him to just message me for like 5 minutes so I know he still likes me, that I didn’t freak him out by behaving like a silly girl. I so want to do this like an adult, but apparently I am incapable. If this doesn’t happen, like fi we don’t work out, then fine. But I’ll be crushed if it’s bc of my inherent flaw of childishness. And what if it is inherent? What if I cannot actually function in an adult relationship?

That’s another thing--I am so putting the cart before the horse. Like we met, we chatted twice, and then we spend 5 hours eating Thai food and walking all over his neighborhood. He should not be and *is* not the center of my universe. I’d like to think I wouldn’t be behaving this stupidly if he hadn’t kissed me. I’d like to think I could be cool and removed and totally ok with the fact that he seems to be compartmentalizing the amount of time he spends with me (his job is hell, apparently; another red flag, but he’s so charming....) if he hadn’t kissed me. So I wasn’t sure how to gauge it--were we just two adults enjoying each other’s company? I know he thinks I am cute--but physical attraction doesn’t mean he actually likes me. I mean, I think he was flirting with me--the body language was promising, I’m fairly certain he was nervous at the beginning (but it’s a date who wouldn’t be?), and he like, touched me arm and such you know the way you do when you’re just broaching physical contact. And then when I left I went to hug him and...it was not a platonic hug. It was brief but...there was...heat...a tiny little simmer. And then, there was a second hug, and he briefly, subtly, turned into my neck and placed a quick little kiss there. It was chaste as hell, a bit uncertain I think, but it changed everything. I mean I dunno maybe it was just quarter to midnight and goodwill talking. Maybe he’s just affectionate and that was his way of saying “Thanks for a good time.” Maybe it all goes back to the sex and it’s purely physical? I just--I have such a hard time thinking he actually sees anything in me bc I’m so--uninteresting--I’m not ambitious or successful, I’m insecure as fuck, I have plenty o’ baggage, I’m not cosmopolitan or well-read or witty. All I have is the loyalty and affection of a--child. I gather it’s been some time since he’s been taken care of, and of course that appeals to me, taking care of him, but maybe he likes being self-sufficient? He certainly is. And again!!!! It’s too soon for me to be thinking this way. But I just do this. What is my problem??? I keep thinking once he gets to know me he’s going to bail. And at this point that would hurt more bc it would mean my weaknesses had caused me to fail again than bc I’m madly in love with him, but still. The more I invest the worse it will be when this whole thing crashes. But I can’t not give it a try--even if I see eminent disaster on the other side. I keep hoping my instincts will be proven false.

On a lighter note: I am ridiculously physically attracted to him. Like--keep daydreaming about kissing him...and other things...

I just--why am I so fixated on this? Why is he the only thing I can think about? I have a life! I can’t just be marking time until I see him again. GET A GRIP, AB! I keep singing “He is not thinking of me” to myself. Bc I guarantee he is going about his business as usual--like a fucking adult--and taking Saturday night for what it was: a pleasant evening. 

Nonsequitur: If he doesn’t message me in the next few days I may implode.

Also, I just wish for some clarity. It’s like dating Jane Bennett. No clue if he’s just being nice or....?

Why is my professional performance so tied to whether or no a man is interested in me? What the hell is that about?!!!

I will say this--it’s nice to feel romance again. I feel like me again. The bitter gone-by feeling I had at my cousin’s wedding is banished, replaced by all the hope and cheer of spring and things beginning. Also, showtunes again! Singing again! I could go into “Bewitched, bothered and bewildered” but that song is too cynical. Instead, I’ll end with the line that was running through my head all day Monday:

“I don’t know why I can’t think of anything I would rather do than be wasting my time on mountains with you.”

And now, off to church!

[wickedangel276]

1/23/19

I was on Facebook just now, and seen a post from my late mother’s friend.. She posted her wedding picture and an old invite to her 25th wedding anniversary in 1988. It made me think of my Mom and Dad.

My parents never celebrated anniversaries. According to my Mom, the marriage was a mistake. She claimed that her sister and one of his sisters pushed her into marrying, that she didnt want to get married. 

They were never affectionate. Never seen a hug, never seen a kiss. They didn’t make love, and I know this because I was an unusually insecure child who slept with my Mom until I was 12. So, yeah, I know they weren’t physical with one another. They had separate beds by the time I was like 9 or 10.

There were times that my Dad did try to be lovey and affectionate toward her, she’d pull away. Just wasn’t having it. I really felt bad for my Dad. He loved her. He tried. He stuck it out and took care of her and us, until the day he died. Life was unfair for him. He was miserable a lot of the time. It made him a bit difficult to get along with at times, but it wasn’t really his fault. I wish I seen that more back then and could have had a better understanding. The few times we were out shopping together, he was happier. We really got along. Until I was pushing the cart behind him and ran into him. lol Happened too many times....yeah, we didn’t get along all that great those times. lol I miss him.

They say that you learn to be affectionate and learn what relationships are all about from watching your parents.. When I started dating, I wasn’t sure how to behave. But, when I became engaged to a super affectionate guy, I learned that’s what I like, what I need. That was when I was 17. I am now married to a different, yet just as affectionate, man. He’s always cuddly, hand holding, kissing me. Says I love you several times a day. I love that, so much. By watching my parents, I learned what a cold, distant marriage is like and knew that’s the furthest thing from what I want, what I need. 

I don’t know where I learned to be affectionate. I always was.. As a child, I always tried to hug on my Mom, she would literally push me away and tell me to stop. I tried to be affectionate with my Dad, but she would make nasty accusations. So, I didn’t have the affection I needed. I think that’s a big part of why I was so insecure. As an adult, I still have my moments when I feel “insecure” and emotionally needy. Luckily, not often. I’m not typically a clingy person. But those times, I need Mark to hold me tight for a few minutes. And he does. He understands. Talking about this almost has me crying. 

I think seeing my parent’s bad marriage is a big part of why I was so hesitant to get married, my entire adult life. I finally did, but it took a while to feel ready. I never want to be divorced, so marriage is very permanent to me. I’ve had some commitment issues throughout my life. And I didn’t want to make a mistake. Didn’t want to make a life long promise to someone, then have him change into someone I couldn’t stand. Partly because, my Mom always warned me not to get married. Said the man thinks he owns you, and he will change. Part of me said, don’t believe it. Another part of me feared her being right. After all, I have dated some guys who were one way before dating them, then they changed after I started dating them. The worst was recent, about 5 years, maybe 6 years ago. He was one of my very best friends, we got together finally and he was a different person. Completely. He was hard to get over, because I missed that close friendship. Still do. ONLY the friendship, though. 

I woke up at 530 this morning. I do better when I wake up early. We have to leave here at 9, to get to his dental appointment in Gate City. While we are there, we are going to go to the courthouse and try to get the visitation/custody case moved from Gate City to Bristol. After 6 months, the jurisdiction is supposed to change. Then we found out we have to take it back to court to petition change of jurisdiction. To the best of my knowledge, I believe her bio mother is incarcerated. She is suppose to serve a year. I just received a message from her fb account saying she is home and wants her visit, but I believe it’s her mother, trying to get the visit. The custody order reads that Sierra is to be transported by the grandmother. So of course, we would have no way of knowing, since the “mother” never comes with her anyway. IF she were not in jail, she would have contacted me about previous missed visits and she would actually call me. I don’t believe it. 

I need to figure out what i’m making for dinner tonight. Had ground beef stroganoff last night. Finally. lol I had been planning it, but making something else instead, for a couple weeks. It was pretty good. I don’t know if Sierra has church tonight or not. I need to know, so I know whether i’m cooking for 3 or just two. But, they aren’t calling me back, so I won’t know until we see if they show up at 5 or not. 

It’s 814 and i’m feeling a little tired. Taking my other phentermine in 45 minutes or so. I had been taking them together, same time, for the longest time. But it’s supposed to be taken about 4 hours apart. I’ve been taking them 2-4 hours apart. They say that spacing them out gives you energy and suppresses the appetite longer throughout the day. It didn’t suppress my appetite the last couple days! I stayed hungry for some reason, ate too much. Today should be different. I had a banana, a couple cups of coffee and a bottle (+1/4 bottle) of water so far, and i’m not hungry so far. 

I need to stop at a grocery store. I’m out of ranch and cottage cheese. I love cottage cheese on a salad, good protein source. Also, probably pick something up for dinner instead of thawing something. I’m thinking pork chops. They can be made so many different ways. Last time, I thinly topped them with mustard and basked them. Everyone loved them. This time, not as healthy, but I am thinking about a thin coat of mayo and some garlic and lemon pepper, salt and pepper. Baked. One of these nights, when she has church and it’s just Mark and I, we have some thick pork chops, will be perfect for stuffing them. 

I set a goal of losing 10 pounds by Valentine’s day. Time is ticking away and i’m not doing great. Not eating at or under my calorie goal the last couple days. I don’t announce my weight freely, but I guess it doesn’t matter. You can tell im over 300 by looking at me, so why bother trying to hide it. I’m 304. My Vday goal is 294. Fingers crossed! (..and mouth closed! ha)

I want to drink more water, it’s good for my weight loss and I feel that i’ve been living chronically dehydrated. But, something...i’m thinking the coffee...has me feeling over full, making it difficult to drink the water.

I check my weight tomorrow, when I stop in at the weight loss clinic to get my lipo-vite shot. Getting them twice a week until the end of February. I hope to see some results. Also hoping I don’t have a gain, this time. When I first weighed in at the clinic, it was 302.5. BUT.. I hadn’t drank much water. I think the extra 1.5 pounds came from extra water I had been drinking. Still, was disappointing to see a gain. Please be a loss or still 304!!!! Preferably a loss. Also, planning to swim Thursday. And Saturday. Doing 2 times a week for now, working up to 3 times per week. Or more. 

I just read that exercise isn’t as important as dieting to lose weight. But, it helps. It helped me stick to my dieting last time. 

834, guess I better get off here and get ready to go.

[pinkfatprincess]

Mistress part 1

I think it’s time to share my experience in my blog. I don’t have much followers anyway so I know it’s safe and the people involved in my story don’t have names.

This will end as another entry which I will laugh about in about a year or so (or sooner please!).

 So let me tell you about how I ended up where I am now and how I plan to get out of this situation.

 Let me take you back on my 33rd Birthday. Last year when I turned 33, I’ve accepted the fact that I will be single for the rest of my life. I planned to take a sperm donor ( I have a list of friends who offered so I know I will have a good selection of donors). I enjoyed being single, I worked hard, got that promotion and became a Second Vice President in our office in 2 years of being with the company. I’d like to think that at my age, it’s quite an achievement, especially in our company where most of the people with the same rank are aged 35 up. I have a hobby, I cook and bake. I have a few friends who I treasure and of course a family that loves me dearly. In short – I am contented and happy.

 I’ve always been a sheltered person, my hobbies include reading books, watching movies, baking, cooking, shopping and I avoid outdoors at all cost. However, my team wanted to try scuba diving as our team building activity and they convinced me to go out of my shell and be bold! I fear the water, I am scared of boats. I liked the ferry ride in London and Japan because I still see the land and it was a river. Open sea scares me to death though because I don’t know how to swim and I can think of a lot of ways that the boat ride will go wrong. Anyway, after a lot of convincing they managed to inspire me to be adventurous and try outdoors. On that day I saw a picture of one of my college friends where he was free diving. The last time we saw each other was in 2003?? 15 years ago but he added me as friend on FB and he’s been an avid liker of my pictures. Since he was a college friend, I did not have any malice and sent him a DM to check where he free dived. He was very enthusiastic with his reply and I remained casual. The following day, he tagged me on some of the free diving courses available in anilao. He sent me private messages and had a little chat. I remember him briefly saying “Try mo Maam, maaadik ka. Para may maaya din ako next time” and to be honest I didn’t mind that offer because we don’t know each other well. He greeted me on New year’s day and we got to chat a bit. Then he started commenting on my photos and liking every single one of it. I know he is making papansin and I ignored. But then again a friend of mine said, try and flirt. Who knows he’s your match. So I tried to be nice, replied to all of his messages, he flirted a bit and reciprocated and he said he wanted to invite me once he is back in Manila (he works in a ship). I did my research, checked if he is married or in a relationship and didn’t see any trace at all. So I said – YOLO timmy! Flirt away!

 He started to get sweet, told me he was happy we reconnected. He should have met me earlier so we would have been happy sooner. He invited me to go to the beach when he return so I thought he was asking me out. Since I had a beach trip coming up with friends to Surf – I extended the offer to him and boom – he accepted. He was so excited, can’t stop talking about it for days. He was upset that his flight got delayed and he almost did not make it. He kept on updating me of his whereabouts, what he was eating, sending photos of his auntie and what he has been doing while waiting for boarding. He arrived on Feb 28 around 10 pm. His family picked him up and dropped him at a motel near Pasig. I was asleep at that time because we are due to leave 3AM on March 1 and when I woke up I saw a couple of texts and missed calls asking if we are pushing through. I said yes and picked him up and he met my friends. It was the biggest effort a man has made for me. Imagine – he was away for 6 months and instead of meeting his family he went on a beach trip with me and my friends. Needless to say, that weekend started everything. He was so sweet, so thoughtful, he treated me like a princess, a gentleman and fun to be with. We talked about a lot of things and I asked him directly if he is married or if he is dating someone. He said NO without batting an eyelash. So I said – that’s good looks like this is the one.

 After Baler, we went on a date to Tagaytay. We spent the whole day together. We had lunch, coffee, movie and we talked for hours I wished for the day not to end. We made the most out of the day as I was leaving for Bangalore that Saturday. You know what’s funny? I liked how he wasn’t using his phone at all the whole day. Not a single glance on his phone. He even left it on my car (he owns a car but it’s at home so I drive for him) and did not text at all. One of the reasons why I liked him – he is not on his phone and I know I have his undivided attention. At the end of the day, we held hands and I know we have a mutual understanding.

 I was in Bangalore for two weeks, he’s been good in texting me, telling me his whereabouts and reported everything. Another thing I liked about him – because I didn’t have to ask. He tells me everything and sends me pictures of what he is eating and where he is going, Trust me when I say that he earned my trust big time. Last Friday that I was in Bangalore he was so fuzzy and I think he is drunk. He wanted to tell me something so I said it can wait when I return to Manila. He arranged for a date that Monday. March 26.

 That day, he picked me up from work. We had dinner and went to Estancia to have coffee. We talked for hours until 1 am and in the parking lot, we stayed in my car to talk. Then he confessed something. He said he is married. He said they are processing the annulment and he left her in 2015 because she cheated, she is manipulative, she is after his money and his house. Imagine the hate I developed for that girl I didn’t know because of how much I trusted his words. He gave me an option to wait til he sorts his annulment or we can try because he is worth it. God, I remember how he said those words. He looked so sincere with tears in his eyes saying all he wanted is to be happy and he is worth it. You know what, I had a little thought why I should go on with it.

 1.       Effort wise – he really have a tremendous amount of effort to woo me

2.       Quality time – he finds time to talk to me

3.       He reports to me wherever he goes and whatever he does

4.       So trustworthy –he is honest

5.       He is family oriented – provides for his family

6.       He sounded like a victim on his last relationship, so broken and fooled by a girl and I thought he deserves all the love he can get

7.       He cares for me, he is thoughtful, gentleman and I feel that he really loves me

 The only downside is he is married but they are not together anymore and annulment as on the way so I thought hey – you both deserve a chance to be happy so I went with it and became a couple. The following day we went to Tagaytay overnight. I don’t want t give you details but boy this man wanted to get me pregnant. I mean so soon? Well he knows how much I wanted to become a mom and so I said why note. He said I love you too and he was the first to say it to I guess I had the power in the relationship?

 I guess I don’t have to say much about our relationship but it was all too good to be true in April and May. He even asked me to live with him and it took me time to decide. I finally agreed to live together by June 28 because I really want to get pregnant. I am not getting any younger. Mind you – we both agreed that this is a secret relationship. My mom didn’t know that I was technically a mistress. It’s funny I hate my father’s mistress and here I am becoming one of them. Needless to say – I defied my logic and forgot my values. Shame on me.

 During the course of our relationships, I learned to adjust and avoid arguments at all cost. I don’t ask where he goes, I don’t pry, I get jealous but I don’t confront because when he is being confronted he gets angry. Should have been a red flag but I was too blind. I don’t ask for his plans, I go with the flow. I give him space even if it means I am miserable. I spend most of the time. He met all my friends. He met my family. When my friends and family asked him if he is a womanizer or if he is married – he can answer them straight without flickering of his eyes and I know this should alarm me but I just let it go.  I tried to be the best GF and not nag. I know I did and He knows that.

 June at Bohol when I started to feel something different. He was on his phone most of the time, he brings his phone inside the CR and he bought extra two shirts (small in size) for his sister despite buying another set a day ahead. While packing, he packed the shirt separately so I asked him why? Before sleeping I asked him if he has someone else. He got angry and flipped on the other side of the bed while I was crying miserably through the night. I know there is someone else. If he lied and tell me there was none – I will believe him. But he did not have the guts to lie so I know there was something.

 I mentioned earlier that he asked me to live together, I am done with the preparations and we are ready to move but he said we will try it for a month, he will stay on weekends and he will move around August. I let is pass. I am miserable on my own at the condo and he never committed to when he will show up. On my birthday, we celebrated with my mom and at home but I feel so empty and I know something is wrong. He went away that week (July 9) and during that week I cannot reach him. He wasn’t telling me where he was. July 12 was the worst. I cannot contact him. I was worried but he texted at night saying he is home. The following day there was no text so I asked what is wrong and he said he feels something different. He feels pressured about me already. When I asked what did I do, he said nothing is wrong. He is the problem and I need to give him time. My heart was broken that day, knowing he is drifting apart and all I did was adjust for him and make sure he doesn’t get mad. The following day he surprised me and came to the unit. Then it’s all forgotten.

 July 27, I was browsing his page when I saw a girl who commented on his picture. It was flirty, I know because I am a girl too. I checked her out and guess what I saw a photo of them together. I was shaking. Let’s call her J because I have to talk to her and I need to have a reference. So I asked what is with them. He said none. He even put the blame on me because I was snooping and he said it’s not good to be jealous. I said it’s not an issue if he was honest on his where abouts. Anyway I know something was up but I let it go. However, I need to protect my self and I started drifting away from him too. Since I want to have a baby, I wanted to get it done sooner. I asked if he wanted too  - he said yes and wanted it to be with me. So I decided to go on IUI – artificial insemination. He had his sperm analyzed and found our he had low sperm concentration. He had a condition called oligozoospermia and this is a fertility problem for men. We were asked to do it at certain days but he was very uncooperative. I said just donate the sperm and I will not hold you accountable on anything. We had the procedure but the collection was really really low. I knew he *ucked another girl before the procedure. It was toooo low if he was abstained for two days. I spent 50k for this procedure including his meds and never asked for a single cent.

 I guess I have to skip the other details but August was a tough month, he was sweet one day and grumpy the next. There are days where he is missing and cannot be reached. I know we are losing it and we are on the brink of a break-up. Then I prayed, I said if the baby will be given then he is for me. If not then I have to let go. Then it happened. I wasn’t pregnant. I got my period. He knows it’s his fault. I have no problems with my reproductive system and the doctor was blunt that his low sperm count is a problem. That Sunday, something pushed me to message a girl who keeps on liking his status. I know he will be mad because he doesn’t like that but that moment, I am prepared to lose him. However, I am prepared to know the truth. The girl said nothing is going on between them. I don’t believe her. Well maybe she is telling the truth but I did not believe her. Funny she thought I was someone else and named a girl. I ignored that because I was told by (my asshole bf) that someone keeps on creating a fake account to ruin his reputation so I ignored all invites and made my profile super private.Oh and I remember, his wife messaged me but I ignored it but had to come clean to my mom in case his wife makes a scene. I told him about it and said don’t entertain anyone because someone is purposely ruining his life and I pity him for a bit. By the way, the reason why I messaged this girl (let’s call her A) is because someone message me calling out all the names of the alleged women of by asshole BF. That’s why I messaged A.

 Anyway, the following day, I felt guilty for reaching out to A and apologized to him. I wanted to talk but he is not replying so I decided to go to the dorm he stays at and talk to him. He said don’t go and I will be wasting my time but I guess it was the best decision in my life. I went to the condo and found out he doesn’t live there. He stayed for a while in April but never for a long time. So I called him and asked where he stays and he just brushed me off. Imagine – I’ve been dropping him off on that condo for almost 5 months. So where does he live??? I decided to go to his hometown in Tanay and drove at night while raining, crying all the way and scared of what I will find out. This was September 3. I saw his brother and he said he isn’t there. And  they have an emergency. His father was hospitalized. The moment I got home to the unit (with my mom there) I decided to message the girl that A mentioned. Let’s call her T.  Little did I know that I will discover the biggest lies in human history and I was so amazed by how deceiving this guy is. I have no words for my discovery.

 ·         T and P have been together since April 2017. She helped pay the lawyer so he can get annulled. He said the say thing – he is married, she was manipulative, she cheated and she was after the money.

·         She pays for almost everything

·         When they fight – it always seems she is at fault

·         He was on MIA from March 1 – 14  this year and that is because we already started dating. That’s why he isn’t using his phone he turned it off not only to earn my trust but to hide from T

·         April 2-9 he was at KL with T and they had a good fuck trying to get her pregnant too. She went to the OB thinking it was her problem. It was only me who had the guts to have him tested

·         During this time, P said he was in Batangas with his sick grandma (rest in peace Lola) and he even texted me saying the chickens are noise. Lying that way – is so sick

·         June when she just stopped talking to the gilr – july when he blocked her. Yes she may be jealous but it’s because P is such a womanizer and a liar

·         We were at Anilao on April 28 – he sent a picture to T saying he was with friends but he was with me

·         May 19 he was also with me at Anilao – he sent the pictures to T and he said he was with his friends

[chitarra10]

I was tagged by @penaltywaltz... well, sort of... I just stole it from her. X-)

Rules: tag 20 people

The Last:

1. Drink: Milk

2. Phone Call: My mom called me to tell me that my grandpa was coming home from the hospital today.

3. Text message: My friend in TX... I wanted to make sure he was gonna be OK since he’s in the path of Hurricane Harvey... he says he’s OK right now, thank God.

4. Song you listened to: “All the Wrong Things” by Branan Murphy ft. Koryn Hawthorne... it’s a beautiful song about admitting your faults and the sincere desire to change... give it a listen, I think you’ll love it. :-)

5. Time you cried: Yesterday... my boss ripped into me for telling him I was too sick to come into work, and he demanded I come in anyway, so I sucked it up and went to work, and it was a living hell of pain and nausea, then I stopped at my mother’s house because she picked up my prescription refills from the pharmacy for me, and I was greeted by my sister ripping into me because for some God-forsaken reason, she decided that my mother should come home from work and clean the house instead of visiting her own father in the hospital, and she decided that I’m selfish and narcissistic and that I don’t care about anyone else but myself for not stopping my mother from going.  I just took the prescriptions, left the house, and broke down when I got back into my car.  And I ended up missing work today because I’m still sick AND depressed out of my mind today.  Way to lead up to my next mission trip in 3 weeks, eh?

Have You:

6. Dated someone twice: No

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Yes

8. Been cheated on: Yes

9. Lost someone special: Yes

10. Been depressed: In the long list of diagnoses I have going on right now, depression and anxiety are among them.

11: Gotten drunk and thrown up: No... I don’t drink.

List 3 Favorite Colors:

12. Sapphire Blue

13. That teal color that you can’t quite tell if it’s blue or green

14: That indigo color that you can’t quite tell if it’s blue or purple

In the last year, have you…

15. Made new friends: Yes

16. Fallen out of love: Was never in love

17. Laughed until you cried: Yes

18. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes... one of my co-workers has been reporting every single thing I say to my boss behind my back, including the fact that I’m currently in the process of getting a concealed carry permit, which lead to a loud shouting match between me and the boss.

19. Met someone who changed you: Yes

20. Found out who your friends are: Yes

21. Kissed someone on your FB list: Sort of... Rocco isn’t technically on my FB list, but I have an entire album dedicated to pictures of him because he’s my little “fur-nephew” and I love him so much, and I kissed him on his little Beagle head when I saw him yesterday. :-)

GENERAL:

22. How many Facebook friends do you know in real life: Probably about 85%.

23. Do you have any pets: I have a “fur-nephew,” Rocco, does he count? :-)

24. Do you want to change your name: Sometimes I’d like to... I’m not exactly keen on being named after my abusive father.

25. What did you do for your last birthday: I had to work, and then I went to a local coffee house afterwards with my friend from church, and she gave me a Sherlock Holmes book for a birthday present. :-)

26. What time did you wake up: I got up at 11 because I was supposed to be at work at 12:30, but I was way too sick to do it, and I ended up spending the next 5 hours sitting on the floor in the bathroom with my phone and tablet in case anyone tried to contact me.  No one did, of course.

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: The same thing I’m doing right now... Tumblring with the TV live streaming in the background.

28. Name something you can’t wait for: My next mission is happening in 3 weeks, and I can hardly believe it’s that close already!! :-D

29. When was the last time you saw your Mom: Actually saw her?  Two days ago.  But I’ve talked to her on the phone multiple times since.

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: My health first and foremost, and a close second is my financial situation.

31. What are you listening to right now: “Salvation” by Skillet... it’s the Eurus and Sherlock song, seriously, check it out, it’s the perfect theme song for The Final Problem.

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: My grandpa goes by Tom because his middle name is Thomas, I work with a sales guy named Tom, and I know two Tom’s from church.

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: My current situation in general.  The stress is just piling on again when I’m trying to get packed and ready for my mission, and I need it to stop so I can concentrate on this.

34. Most visited website: Probably a tie between Tumblr and Facebook.

35. Mole/s: I have freckles of various shades of brown all over my paper-white skin, but only one on my left forearm is slightly raised like a mole.

36. Mark/s: My entire body is full of scars from the acne I had when I was a teenager, multiple cysts I had removed, and a significant amount of self harm in the form of stabbing my arms with sharp objects when I was in my late teens and early 20′s.

37. Childhood dream: I wanted to be a professional ballet dancer and an actress.

38. Hair color: The same as Benedict Cumberbatch’s natural hair color.

39. Long or short hair: A pixie cut that was supposed to look like Jennifer Lawerence’s, but because my hair turned curly once it got cut short, it actually looks like a cross between Daniel Jackson and Sherlock having a bad hair day. X-)

40. Do you have a crush on someone?: A fictional someone... X-)

41. What do you like about yourself: I dunno... the older I get, the more I feel like my greatest talent is the ability to take levels of abuse that other people could never handle.

42. Piercings: 3 in each earlobe and one 90′s cartilage pierce in my right ear.

43. Blood type: O+... as most people of Western European heritage are. X-)

44: Nicknames: Up until I was 30, everyone used to call me this particular word that used to make me blazingly, furiously angry, and I never understood why it did, but the angrier I got, the more people would say it because they thought it was funny to make me cry.  Then when I was 30, my sister started questioning me as to why I got so infuriated at the sound of that word, so I started researching a few linguistic things online, trying to see if this word was truly made up as they claimed or if there was actually something to it.  I managed to find the linguistic roots of the word, and it turns out it was actually an Albanian-influenced Italian curse meaning, “The Devil’s Ass,” with “ass” being in the context of a slave or a work donkey.  Basically, they were cursing me to be a slave to the devil every time they called me that.  Needless to say, I proceeded to angrily confront my family with the evidence I found, and told them that if any of them ever uttered that word to me, about me, or in any way, shape, or form of connection to me, that it would be the last time they ever see me for the rest of their lives.  No one’s ever used a nickname for me ever again.  And after that, they dang well better not.

45. Relationship status: Single... have been for 13 years, and honestly, I stopped looking for a relationship a looooong time ago.

46. Zodiac: Ophiuchus

47. Pronouns: She/Her

48. Favorite TV show(s): Stargate SG-1, Sherlock, Doctor Who, Star Trek in all it’s incarnations, Psych, and Saving Hope.  I might be forgetting a couple, but those are the top of the list.

49. Tattoos: None yet, but I think I’m gonna get one for my 40th birthday in 2019... I wanna get an American eagle with it’s wing around a Central American quetzal to represent how much I love Central America and doing missions work there, and underneath them, “Mark 16:15-16,” which is what’s known as “The Great Commission” from the Bible.

50. Right or left hand: Right

51. Surgery: I had all the baby teeth and 4 permanent teeth removed from my mouth when I was 11, and I had 2 pilar cysts (so far) removed from my head... but there are 3 more cysts forming on my head, and they’re gonna get removed if/when they get big enough.  Dermatologist said I’m gonna have to deal with the cyst problem for the rest of my life.

52. Hair dyed a different color: Never permanently, but I have done temporary dark brown and eggplant purple a few times.

53. Sports: Never was a sports fan... the only sports I actually like to watch is the Olympics and American Ninja Warrior, if that counts. X-)

54. Vacation: The last thing that could actually be described as a vacation was when my friend took me with her to NYC for 5 days because she was eager to cross it off her bucket list.  Before that, it was in 2001, my mother, my sister, and I took a road trip to 2 states that were an 18-21 hour drive away just for two particular food festivals, and before that, my grandmother took my sister and me to Italy after I graduated high school in the summer of 1998.  Every other place I’ve been to has been for mission work... missions are no vacation, they’re hard work, but they’re the most worth-it thing you’ll ever do in your life. :-)

55. Shoes: I have Sketchers work-shoes, a few pairs of canvas shoes, a few pairs of ballet flats, and 2 pairs of heels that I haven’t worn in over 5 years.  But all the shoes that lace up, I laced them with either black or white elastic, so now all my shoes are slip-ons. :-)

56. Eating: I ate a bowl of vanilla yogurt with some chocolate BelVita biscuits about an hour ago.

57. Drinking: Nothing... I had a glass of milk earlier.

58. I’m about to: Back to Panama for my 9th mission in about 3 weeks... this has been the most disorganized and closely cut mission I’ve ever done, but the money came in, so now it’s actually happening!!

59. Waiting for: September 16th because that’s when we’re leaving for Panama... :-)

60. Want: My health back, and my finances in order.

61. Get married: If it happens, it happens.  If it doesn’t, that’s fine, too.  Either way, I’ll be perfectly OK.

62. Career: I’d love to be able to do this missions thing for a living, but the financial support isn’t there right now.  I hope someday (soon!!) that it will be.

WHICH IS BETTER:

63. Hugs or kisses: Hugs

64. Lips or eyes: They’re both pretty essential for a functioning face, but I’d say eyes serve a more necessary function.

65. Shorter or taller: I’d like to be a couple of inches taller, maybe I might be if the scoliosis in my spine can ever be straightened out.

66. Older or younger: Physically I’d like to be younger, but intellectually, I’d like to be older and wiser.

67. Nice arms or nice stomach: My stomach has never been nice, even when I was at my skinniest, and I’ve always been OK with my arms, so I’d say I’d rather have my stomach be nicer looking.

68. Sensitive or loud: These aren’t mutually exclusive, so I think each has their place in the appropriate situations.

69. Hook up or relationship: Relationship.  I don’t go for that momentary fun and then dump them off bull crap.

70. Troublemaker or hesitant: Actually... once again, not mutually exclusive, but... neither of these are characteristics I’m OK with.

HAVE YOU EVER:

71. Kissed a stranger: Not by choice.

72. Drank hard liquor: No

73. Lost glasses/contact lenses: An unfortunate number of times in my life.

74. Turned someone down: Yes

75. Sex on first date: Never

76. Broken someone’s heart: Once... but if he truly did love me and want to marry me, then he should’ve learned sooner that I wouldn’t stand for taking a backseat to his BFF for the rest of my life.

77. Had your heart broken: Yes

78. Been arrested: No

79. Cried when someone died: Yes

80. Fallen for a friend: Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

81. Yourself: There is, in fact, empirical evidence that I exist, despite so many people’s opinions to the contrary.

82. Miracles: Yes

83. Love at first sight: No... you can’t possibly learn what you need to know about a person in order to make the choice to love them from just one look.

84. Santa Claus: Every parental figure is a Santa Claus. :-)

85. Kiss on the first date: Not anymore.  He’s gonna have to earn that.

OTHER:

86. Current best friend: I’m actually not sure.  I hate to call someone a best friend who doesn’t think of me the same way, and I don’t believe that anyone thinks of me that way at the current moment.

87. Eye color: The same as Benedict Cumberbatch

88. Favorite movie: Probably a 3-way tie between Star Trek Into Darkness, Star Trek Beyond, and The Force Awakens.

I’m tagging everyone who sees this. Everyone, please copy, paste, fill it in, and tag me!! :-)