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cafeleningrad · 5 months

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The shadow presence of adults an family in Utena

Currently I try to clear up some convoluted ideas about childhood innocence to agency through social indoctrination depicted in Utena.

Obviously the most present indoctrination happens by Akio's hands, and his extension the form of the panoptic, omnipresent, ever-acting system of Ohtori academy. But I did catch myself by the mistake to assume every child/teenage character in Utena is solely influenced by Akio. In fact sometimes adults do appear sparsely throughout the show, and it's always relevant. Like the guidance counselor as signal for the reinforcement of social rules, or Tokiko contrasting Akio. The characters enter the school already with knowledge of fairy tale structure (Wakaba's mother telling her tales of the Onion prince), Miki disdains his sister on sexist premises way before he's manipulated into dueling, Nanami already used violence on others to secure Touga's attention before she entered school. It can be argued that the world outside the school ground, the city we see in the background is an extension of Ohotori too. Thinking then how parents already primed their children already when they arrive at Ohtori, and how important the death of Utena's parents is to her, I do think the families of the characters are much more relevant to than the visual narrative of obscuring their faces lets on. ...or: I found a niche, and now I have wild theories. (This is definitely a very speculative post, my mind went on a slippery slope of theories.) Content warning for discussions and mentions of: Child abuse, death, manipulation, grooming, sexism in general.

I. Why do we barely see the face of so many adults? (If I claim that they're relevant?) First, Utena is, among many other themes, a story about maturing and leaving behind a lot of rules and ideals that hold people back from becoming a person. Most characters are aged from early to late teens. Highly relevant to the themes of Utena, this is a period of self discovery, detachment from previously installed beliefs, and discovering the possibilities of the the world. Although the latter points are halted by Ohotori and Akio. In that way it makes sense that the characters think more about themselves as independent with parents more on the sidelines. Further, only very few characters realize fully that they're part of a cyclical system, and are unknowingly but actively hindered to come to that realization. In that sense, it's not far off that they would blend out elements they themselves not consider relevant. Meaning, they wouldn't realize how formative their previous family life is to them but they get a new, aspirational role model of another adult.

Second, Ohtori as place with it's own logic runs by Akio's narrative. He's the one who chooses important characters, sets up important rituals with Anthy's help, and manipulates them to take on a certain journey - if they want to take it or not. For Akio it is vital that he imposes himself as the most present most visible adult in the life of Ohtori students. (Note: Either himself or Ohtori as systematic extension of his.) He wants to be the aspiration so everyone emulates the rules and behaviors he wants people to emulate. The only other adult with more screentime, clear personality, and visible face is Tokiko who is many ways Akio's counterpart. Although she,sadly, never interacts with any students at Ohtori during her visit. Side note: Akio often avoids being seen the direct instigator of events. Either Ohtori staff, social rules, and social life reinforce his ruling, her he manipulated others so much they act by his playbook. It also leaves his image untarnished. Touga is Akio's proxy on campus. Groomed to imitate Akio, Touga taunts others, especially men to imitate the idealized image of manhood. Close to graduation age, already using a lot of signifiers of grown up masculinity such as promiscuity, using a motocycle (but with a helmet) as approximation to a car, Touga is the entry level to emulation although Akio has the last word on how a person should finally act. II. Other visible adults a) Campus staff The only few adults with a face are campus staff. Namely the guidance counselor, her male colleague, and the music teacher. The former two exist to enforce Campus rules on the students. Either responsibilities for school prestige, or the dresscode. (The music teacher is a bit of an outlier at he's more of a point to Miki's and Kozue's contrast, Miki being allowed innocence whereas Kozue is not receiving any protection, but I would note that he abuses his position of trust for attempts to abuse Miki.) In every case it's save to say that they're all roped into Akio's direction.

b) Chida Tokiko Boy, I love Tokiko. In her short presence she carries the entire weight of the meaning of the Black Rose arc. She's also in juxtaposition to Akio. Also, she pretty. Alright, first who is Tokiko? Tokiko was Chida Mamiya's big sister who lead an entire research project at Ohtori Academy to save her little brother's life. She came in with abstract ideals to simply keep things in a never ending stage (stressed by her disliking to see flowers wilt) which Nemuro rightfully calls out as perpetual motions machine. In spite of her best interests, her project was hijacked and used by Akio to install a duel occasion for 100 male duelists. Her project ended in tragedy. Mamiya died anyway, over his anger Nemuro killed 100 students. Directly or indirectly, Tokiko being roped in with Akio's ideals did lead to high count of human loss, and her ideals failing anyway. Unlike Akio, Tokiko left Ohtori though. She visibly is marked by the events, has regrets, and misses her brother. On the occasion to visit his grave, she does return to Ohtori. However, with all regrets and sadness, Tokiko faced the tragedy and moved on. By seeing Nemuro, now Mikage, Tokiko comes to absolute certainty that eternity means a lack of progress for everyone. Given the fact that Tokiko could face a great deal of loss and tragedy, partly by her responsibility but still decides to leave and not to stay Ohtori, she is very much in contrast to Akio. Akio can't face his loss of ideal and "innocence". In fact he never reflects upon himself but artificially hinders everyone on campus to progress as people. Nemuro even gets punished by having his memories conversed to heterosexual interest towards Tokiko, in order to fit into Ohtori's narrative. Tokiko who has gained maturity, and accepted her loss is the kind of adult Akio should be but can't be because he clings on childish ideas which in practice keep everyone locked in misery. If the students ever interacted with a different example of an adult, they might not find a fancy role model but one which is far wiser than Akio. It's sad that the only alternative to adulthood never gets to interact with any of the students (even though that's kinda the point). The one who would have needed to speak to her the most to deconstruct is self-delusion and accept loss, doesn't recognize her anymore. Side note: Mikage is the student interacting with most adults. In the past it was Tokiko. In the present there're adults around him due to his academic importance, officials who ask for academic support, or his secretary. But notably we never see their faces, only hear their voices. All these faceless adults speak negatively about him, and ignoring the fact that in spite of his intellectual brilliance, and introverted nature, he's still very much a teenager who does have the inner life of a teenager. Considering that Mikage can't move on from his state of teenagehood, I speculate that Mikage doesn't pay attention to the age group, state even?, he can't become. Mikage doesn't even recognize Tokiko anymore. III. Relevant family lives So I mentioned in the introduction how the parents already send their children to school with preconceptions of social rules and dynamic. Some characters like Juri don't mention parents but siblings. I do think they're also relevant in the way the characters are able to understand affection. Families are not the only but still a highly relevant structure within children pick up on life philosophies, social rules, and especially expressions of affection.

a) Utena's dead parents I'd seen some speculations going around who Utena's parents might be but I don't think parentage is relevant. Thematically Utena is about liberation of harmful systems as well as modes of thinking. In Penguindrum, Ikuhara explores how certain families can shape us in much deeper manner. In Utena systematic imprints are much more abstract. That sounds a bit contradictory, so let me rephrase it: It doesn't matter who exactly Utena's parents are, however the fact that they're dead is highly relevant to her. The manga does reference Utena growing up at an aunt but more or less Utena is orphaned at an young age. This leads her to have idealized ideas of family, leaving her with a lack of experience to judge boundaries. By example, Utena might not like Touga but she misreads his acts of heroism, akin to her prince-ideals, as affection of an older brother. Or she's not weirded out by Akio accelerating their relationship from "friend of my little sister" to "you are like family". In general, Utena's lack of familial experience leaves her with a lack of knowledge what different forms of affection look like. Granted, Utena is 14 years old, and not the most senstive person still I noticed how often Utena is unable to formulate her exact feelings towards others. The friendship with Wakaba because in Utena's clear cut mindset girls who are close are friends (as Ohtori doesn't an offer another model how women could be close to each other) even though Wakaba having an earnest crush on Utena isn't unlikely. Apart from the fact that Ohtori is a forcibly hetero normative place, Utena is extremely confused by her feelings for Akio and Touga, but also for Anthy. She's getting manipulated to play act romance with these two men. But she also can't read others very well. At first she doesn't realize the animosity between the Karou twins, she doesn't take Nanami's outright rage towards her seriously until Nanami's duell goes overboard, she misreads the "friendship" between Juri and Shiori. Utena's only guidance in life is the prince ideal. For one it is the closest Utena has a model for agency but also as model for being loved and admired. Utena is entirely on her own to evaluate relationships.

b) The Kaoru divorce The Karou twins are in my eyes an easing introduction in themes of misogynistic treatment, and perversion of male-female dynamics leading to incest, but they're also the youngest in the cast. (Except Tsuwabuki, of course.) First we assume that their estrangement stems from Miki slutshaming Kozue, which is definitely at play but their estranged familial connection has another source. We only learn very late about the Karou parents getting separated, leaving their children behind. Both children are lost, symbolized by building up a birdbox for abandoned bird babies. Their family is falling apart. They need each other more than ever but have so much difficulty communicating with each other. Ohtori as a place reinforces the idea of a girls scoial inferiority, everyhting a girl does is getting evaluated and judged, it drives the wedge between Miki and Kozue even further. However, the twins learnt a gendered perspective by their parents. In the flashback of the the piano recital, Miki's allowed to rest and stay away from the recital. Kozue was unwell, crying, anxious, desperate to not play but her wellbeing is disregarded. During their parents separation the cause is father Kaoru leaving his family for another woman on his own beheast. The twins don't blame their own mother but approach their father differently. Both are angry at the adults in their life, Miki even states that his life is dictated by adults. Kozue absolutely disregards their father's letter. But Miki, praised for his maturity, states way too understanding phrases to his father on the phone. Miki also projects on idolized Anthy on his soon-to-be-stepmother. Who wouldn't leave everything behind for the ideal woman, in Miki's logic? Miki can only be this "mature" (actually, asked to not cause an authority figure any trouble) by trying to rationalize why he shouldn't be angry at his father.

c) Juri's nameless sister Even later than the Kaoru twin's family situation, we learn only in the final episode about Juri having a sister. In Juri's story, the sister almost drowned but a boy tries to save her, only to drown himself. For all heroism, Juri forgot his name. Later in Adolescence we learn that Juri was actually the one drowning, and Touga drowned for her sake. That might leave the existence of Juri's sister in a speculative realm. If we were to take it seriously, I would have some theories what the existence of a sister would mean to Juri. A sister is a very close relative. In this proximity Touga's death would still be close enough to Juri's experience but not close enough to herself. It's highly speculative if this falsification of memory is artificially altered by Akio to have Touga walking around not be suspicious, or, which I consider more likely, it's Juri's response to distance herself from the guilt for Touga's death. It wasn't her fault he died but she was the motivation behind his passing. Forgetting his name, having another person between herself and Touga could distance Juri from the tragedy. With Utena I noted, how Utena with the lack of any previous close conenction is unable to recognize, even less so name the nature of relationships she has. If Juri's sister exist that would mean that Juri is familiar with a close relationship to another woman which is not her mother. In that sense, she would know how a familial closeness feels like, and not name it by the next best thing. Therefore, she's able, unlike Utena, to recognize exactly that her affection for Shiori is of romantic nature. d) Does Saionji have a family? The text mentions nothing of that sort, everything else would be pure speculation. From Saionji's memories his biggest issue in childhood was the growing distance to Touga, and the worries about the little girl in the coffin (oh boy, did Ohtori lead you down the wrong path...) otherwise nothing else of note. For one reason or another, Saionji can't go anywhere after getting expelled. Why he can't return to a home is up for speculation. His parents kicked him out? He's too ashamed? He has no parents? Any guess is as good as mine. But considering that Saionji mentions no formative character in his life, no parents no siblings, I am led to believe that the lack of reference is for Saionji, like Utena a cause for him to have trouble to keep his distance from proximity being baited to him. Since his only relationship in his past seems to have been Touga, the only reference of connection is friendship. What once might have been healthy is an idea Touga taunts and uses against Saionji.

e) Did you hear about the Kiryuu's? Oh boy, this house is a nest of snakes. It's only in Adolescence we get a full picture of all the abuse that went down in this household but the impressions we get in the show are already horrific enough.

We learn that Touga and Nanami, related by blood siblings, got adopted into the family. Nanami is too young to remember, however that feeling that subconcious knowledge of not fititng right in seems to linger in the back of Nanami's mind: Nanami is in constant fear of ostracization, she projects all that of performing to peak social performance, by looks, by reinforcing social status by putting up schemes to sabotage others or literally beat others into submission, dressing in praised brand fashion, and making very clear that she's in no way like that shunned weirdo Anthy. She could never be that weird, laying eggs is totally normal, right?! In the instance Nanami does remember her parents, she remembers being shamed for being inadequate, especially by being genuinely herself gifting a kitten to Touga. She's also constantly alone, except for Touga. In an environment where Nanami is demanded to always correspond to the norm, facing scrutiny, letting her grow up isolated, it makes a lot of sense why Nanami would attach herself to the only person showing her kindness, her older brother. Nanami's only model of reference to to and being loved is a sibling dynamic, hence her fixation on Touga. It also means, Nanami wouldn't know any other model of affection except for this one, actually. Paired with her constant need to be the heart of the masses to proove total adaptation, Nanami can't let anyone get close to her because of her singular outstanding status, and she wouldn't also know how. Any concern of Utena about her, Tsuwabuki expressing in child-typical honesty that he wants to be close to her, are either met with anger or used for her own gain (something she probably picked up from Touga, too).

Touga's place in the family is the most brutal. He was sold by his birth parents for the explicit purpose to be abused. The fact that we do see see the adoptive's father's face in Adolescence leads me to theorize about Touga having a too clear, unshakable memory from his childhood trauma. (Sidenote: Hair in relation to emotional state is sometimes brought up with characters, long flowing hair standing for a person being free of restraint. In memories about Touga by people who idealize him, namely other boys like Miki, Tsuwabuki, and especially homeboy Saionji, touga has long hair. But Nanami who has less cheerful childhood memories remembers her brother with short hair. In his own memories Touga remembers himself having shoulder length hair because his adoptive father demanded him growing longer hair. Nanami and Touga's way less idealized recollections are much closer to the truth.) Touga's childhood was entirely shattered, and severed so many genuine bonds of those who loved him. It's very difficult to not not feel sympathy for Touga even at his worst sabotaging his relationships because at a very young age, what should've been the safest relationship, a caring family, has been utterly destroyed for him. To say, him being disillusioned and distrusting of proclamations of honesty is comprehensible. (Since this post branched off on thoughts I had on gaining agency within a indoctrinating system, Tougs acting fully concious whereas also blind towards his motivations is a point I can't help talking about again and again.) Touga is a very central figure in luring in other students into the idea of princehood, while also getting lost in it, so understanding why he adheres to a system that promises power of everyone else is highly relevant understanding why the system is so successful at perpetuating itself in it's own confines.

In conclusion: For both siblings, their parents were a big source of trauma. If not the formative trauma to prime the kids ideally for Ohtori's pathway into doom. Nanami is so afraid of being other-ed that she would do anything to be part of the crowd. On the flipside by fully adapting to it she's deeply afraid to question conventions, highlighted by the Cowbell of Happiness. Touga is so scared and angry for having been used, he would always try to control others so none can control him, he sees no way out of his misery.

f) Throwawaylines in the Himemiya household - non-relevant observation Probably not too relevant to the actual dynamic between Anthy and Akio, but there's this one line Anthy drops and never picks up again. it does drive me slightly insane. Anthy mentions that Akio does remind her of their father. Nothing conclusive of their obscure family life but I have speculated before how Dios died for an ideal externally imposed on him. This is not a relevant point at all, it's not even a point. But I wanted to bring that up because having no better reference for an alternative way would explain a lot with Anthy and Akio.

g) The Ohtori family So far we did have two terrible fathers, why not go with a terrible mother then? Alright, in the case of the Kiryuus', the mother is implied to be part of Nanami's trauma, Kanae's engagement is arranged by both parents. Only Mrs. Ohotori is the only present parent in the sense we see a vague figure, and a cut-off face. For a supposefdly prestigeous school the family supposedly run, it's also clear how under their name, terrible social practice part of the life at the school. They themselves arrange a marriage for their daughter right after their graduation. And Mrs. Ohtori sleep's with her daughter's fiancée. I feel inclined to not protect Mrs. Ohtori to get involved with Akio. Akio chooses his victims to be in many ways weaker than him. He chooses underage girls, namely neither Anthy not Utena have a family or any other social safety net. And Kanae's parents obviously wholeheartedly agree of her engagement with Akio, so Kanae can't voice doubts. (Or she's told to project on Anthy instead...) Further, Akio adopts his fiancée's last name as an indicator that marrying Kanae is him rising in social status, not her. His fancy apartment, the big telescope, all belongs to the Ohtori's. Akio's seduction is only sexual, he can't exploit Mrs. Ohtori on the base of less experience and power like the did to the girls he usually abuses. No big point here but to highlight how corrupted the adults running the central institution are.

Sort of a conclusion: Probably I spend more times and thoughts on this than needed. But I did spend a lot of time thinking about Tokiko and Kaoru twin's motives of leaving childhood and differing personhood by gender, sending me in onto further thoughts how the presence and also the lack of adults in the life of many students is relevant for understanding their motivation. Why would they have certain outlooks on relationships? Some parentages and familial are more nebulous, less relevant than others, too, although for some characters like Touga, the twins, or Utena, the relationship to their families mark the starting point of their journey.

#Revolutionary Girl Utena #RGU meta #my most rambliest post yet

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hisui555 · 21 days

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Hazbin Hotel Thoughts : Alcohol, Part 2 !

Part 1 here (Hazbin Crew)

Part 3 here (Heaven's side)

Masterpost here

So, just for your information. Last post has the record of gathering the quickest notes in the least time. Now that the Vees and other Overlords (but mainly the Vees, let's not kid ourselves) are on this one, wonder how it will fare. I think I already know the answer. Now let's jump to it.

The Vees

While they're all seen having a drink in the conference room, they haven't been seen nor mentioned getting inebriated, so it's mostly speculation from there.

Vox, from his personality, could cycle between "emotional", "nostalgic", and "pathetic", ranging from a hyper, super-excited guy that tries to one-up everyone to a sobbing mess because Alastor left meeeee...! and embarrass himself - well, not much of a change from his sober self, in retrospect. He would hold it relatively well though, have a bit of resilience until the watergates open, but the more Vox drinks, the closer he gets to the "emotional" side of it. On a darker side, he could also be the "violent" and "angry" type of drunk, especially around the middle of the slippery slope : not outright trying to get into fights but sure not stopping once it has started until he has gouged something out of someone, or someone out of something. But I can also see him being the "denying" type, trying to make people believe he's way less drunk than he actually is - he'll hide it well (having practice as a multimedia CEO and colleague babysitter)... for a while. The more he drinks the more cracks in the façade appear, at which point everyone can see he's sloshed even through a blindfold but won't peep a word unless they want to provoke the wrath of the TV man. The next mornings are spent deliberately avoiding eye-contact with him and editing everything out of feed themselves as to not tip him off either, and pretending collective amnesia (or even better : "Oh I wouldn't know, Mr Vox, I was too drunk !"). Blissful ignorance.

Vox would be somewhat around a normal weight, though he could outlast Charlie by a few glasses, but like Alastor if he downs a whole bottle he's done for. The only difference between them is that they would have their hints of tipsyness inverted : Vox would be physically clumsy but able to perfectly rant like Robin Williams with almost perfect pronounciation, while Alastor can keep up no problem on the dancefloor but have his words tying in knots and stumbling upon themselves like the screwiest pretzel. Well, that, and having their gazes slightly out of focus, a looser 100-watts grin and still talking to that poor coatrack in the corner that didn't asked for it - though Vox might be able to better differenciate things from living things, he's just unaware he's asking the wrong person about his pitch sale of demonic baby powder with abestos inside.

Velvette would be the "competitive" drunk, and the "cranky" one. On normal she already thinks everything and everyone is pants-on-head retarded, so a drunk Velvette might be able to dish out so much piling up verbal abuse you'd need wings to stay above it. She'd also be the "susceptible" type : breathe one word wrong and she's at your throat, whether it's someone way more powerful than her or not. Kinda the embodiment of yeah keep your eyes on Napoleon there, she's gonna start something we're gonna finish (absolutely not my 5' arse even when sober with my 6'4" friends in gatherings. Nope. Nnnnnope.) she'll promise to destroy you on every social media platform she mans or owns, and by the time she's right as rain again only remembers half of it. But she WILL want to know what went down, to turn it to her advantage and erase every instance of recorded poor decisions on her part. What's worse with her is that, like Lucifer, you can't really tell she's boozed up : it looks so much like her everyday attitude, only worse (congrats on that) that the only evidence will be the multiplying number of empty glasses and the diminishing levels of whatever's inside the bottles. The only metric you could go by is how fast she snaps when angry - if it's something in the milliseconds instead of the centiseconds, yep, she has a few glasses in her already. She'll still be coherent and girlbossing through it like a champ, busting out moves that would lead an Olympic pro skater into the Paralympics instead, and have astounishing eye for details despite her plastered state, as if it accrued her already good sense of picking up small things (only, again, to remember half of it once the rush goes down).

She'll probably hold better than what her weight and stature suggests, possibly outdrinking Vox, though not to the point of Angel, or Husk. She'll start feeling something around the 15th glass possibly, and by 20-22 is assuredly smashed, but hiding it rather well (undeliberately, it just doesn't really show on her) but I wouldn't want to be around her for the morning after, boy.

Valentino, hoooo sweet mother of god and all her wacky nephews, now he'll be something. As a pimp who regularly uses drugs and his various aphrodisiac/narcotic powers, smoke included, he'll be rather resistant, because he built said resistance overtime, and his lifestyle very much helps with that. He'll hold his own fairly well, but when he reaches the point of being three sheets to the wind, he goes down HARD. A slurry, half-coherent mess that just lets his body do its thing on its own, with bouts of sudden energy before crumbling down in a heap again. Don't ask him to dance unless you want yourself, and everyone else around, ending up in a hospital : him and a drunk Vox could take out everyone in a 10 meter radius during a slow waltz. Given his temperament, Val would hop from "angry" and "violent" type (unlike Vox, he will seek out the fights and shoot at the slightest provocation) to "seducing" and "happy with everything", but the surprising part, methinks, would be that he'd be also a "nostalgic" and "contemplative" type of drunk, and NOBODY expected that one. He'll wax philosophical while downing his 20th glass and musing about life, one elbow on the counter, nursing the drink in his hand, before snapping back to shooting the fucking pianist dead because the tune irritates him. It's really a ping-pong game of states and you better fucking hope he doesn't get to serve, because that curveball is hard to dodge. He also loves the feeling of being fuzzed out of his mind (fuzzed. FUZZED. Two Z, gutterbrains) and riding the wave while it lasts, but he hates having to depart from it and will prolong it as much as he can. Not that his mornings are particularly bad, unlike Velvette above, but because he likes just giving into the impulse and not having to care about pesky things like thinking and managing a business.

He'll need a bottle and a half or two to get completely tanked, and will range from impossible to reason with and be let loose, to semi-casual during his contemplative episodes. Basically, he's like a tornado : you point him in a certain direction opposite to you and when shit stops flying, you hope you're in a better shape than whoever poor schmucks were around at that time. He will 100% confuse people with things, and, as the meme goes in this fandom, try to make out with a lamppost or two, then become angry that it ain't listening to get in the car for more "fun". Hey, I had to say it, it would have been a missed opportunity otherwise.

Other Overlords

Rosie isn't against a few glasses of fine wine (it goes well with liver, as we all know), and very much knows how to keep her composure, but also lets herself get loose a bit. She's the "giggling" type, finding everything charming and funny, but again, don't be fooled, that makes her no less dangerous, just jollier and sillier. Might also say hello to every bird and dog that passes and curtsy to the local squirrel if quite inebriated, but otherwise she can tank it like a boss : expect at least two bottles down, and she'll give Husk a run for his money. Careful with the chop-chop-happy attitude, though. She could also bust out cutting sarcasm that would normally be hidden behind the sober filter, a bit like Treasure Planet's Captain Amelia.

Zestial... doesn't know what getting smashed looks like. He'll stick to his tea, thank you very much, but on the occasion, does enjoy a very fine wine. He'll be the only guy still standing after everyone else is shaking the white sheet, shrug, and go on his way. This ancient and powerful being is above the turpitude of youngsters and their funny, slurry-worded games.

Carmilla, while reasonable, would be a "tired" drunk - if she ever drank herself to this point to begin with. Everything's too loud, she can't find what's so funny about the curtains' motif or the wallpaper, and just watch, trying to blink away her daze, as others make fools of themselves. She's in no mood for fancy acrobatics but might casually pop one move or two in a complete blasé way to avoid that stumbling drunkard. The main difference is that she's slower, a wee bit sloppier, but no less graceful - it's like a different type of grace, one that's more languid, applied, tai-chi like. She might also become something of a terse talker, giving out a few words at a time, expect monosyllables and vague non-committing hums from her. If launched on a topic of interest, blurts out very technical and analytic paragraphs, only to switch back to one word every five minutes once it's done. Wouldn't be very sociable either, and avoid contact on reflex : it's just not her thing.

Next part, Heaven's side !

Again, Masterpost here.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel thoughts #hazbin hotel vox #hazbin hotel valentino #hazbin vox #hazbin valentino #hazbin velvette #hazbin hotel velvette #hazbin hotel vees #hazbin vees #hazbin overlords #hazbin zestial #hazbin hotel carmilla #hazbin carmilla #hazbin carmilla carmine #hazbin rosie #hazbin hotel rosie #hazbin hotel zestial #carmilla carmine

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jiminrings · 10 months

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michelin aka chef!jin sneak peek :D

Jin can’t lie to you to save himself.

He can’t lie to you in the same way that he bought your engagement ring one month before the supposed proposal and he’d felt so guilty from telling you he went to get groceries instead of going to the jewelry store, he shook you awake on the same night and asked you to marry him with your eyes barely open.

He can’t be dishonest to you like that time you went down a color analysis video marathon on your phone and just blindly agree that brassy tones suited you, so your fiancé’s way of telling you that you are not the expert that you think are is by booking you a personal color analysis consultation the next day.

Jin can’t tell anything but the truth to you. You’re both his strong suit and his vulnerability, therefore taking lying off the table because he’ll literally feel sick if he does. It’s the very reason why just after days of having his contract finalized, all with the precautions of how he shouldn’t go around telling everyone, he finally comes to you with the news.

“I’m getting my own food show!” Jin ambushes you as soon as you wake up, his very own squeals serving as your alarm on your day-off. You perk up at the news quickly, getting your own excitement in before he continues. “I wouldn’t say own-own because I’m doing it with Taehee, but still!”

If you didn't think you could be any more awake, you do now.

You feel more alert than ever at the mention of Taehee, a name you’ve heard countless of times working in the food industry, but rarely from Jin himself. You never thought you’ll hear it coming from him again, of course — after all, there’s no sense in talking about your ex no matter the context.

There’s a turmoil that starts in the back of your head because if you think hard enough, you’ll recall that Taehee had appeared in your mind despite not being explicitly mentioned during your silly little perilla leaf debate from days before. You didn’t want your friends’ words to get into your head, but in hindsight, everything they’ve said had long infiltrated your brain.

Jin senses the conflict brewing in the furrow of your brows but he mistakes it for something else, going soft at the thought that you’re already thinking this far ahead.

“I have to step down from the restaurant for the time-being but that’s a given, no?” he strokes your cheek, the smile on his face made to be assuring for you. It doesn’t, however, because in your head that’s already too far gone on the slippery slope of Jin and Taehee’s onscreen reunion, your fiancé just raised another inconvenience that you overlooked.

You agree with as much grace as someone who’s been rudely awakened. The knot in your throat doesn’t get fully untangled even when you speak, drowning out your words even to your own ears. “Yeah, yeah, of course. You can’t juggle being the head chef of a Michelin-starred restaurant and hosting your show with uh, with your fellow Michelin-starred… ex, right?”

Jin hums at that, partially out of amusement. He’s not exactly annoyed per se; it’s just that he didn’t anticipate your second thought after congratulating him was to pick out that tidbit.

The problem, however, is that it’s not a tidbit. It’s a catastrophically large chunk in the event that he’s laying out to you. It’s a slice of watermelon contaminating a bowl of cubed pineapples. It’s a banana in a smoothie overpowering every other ingredient. You’re beyond happy for Jin and no one can take that away from you — it’s just that Taehee, being the breathtaking detail that she is, can’t be ignored.

“I think the word would be chef, Y/N.”

“You got it, chef,” you swallow a sarcastic hum, testing out the words in your tongue. “Say, does Taehee-…”

Jin inhales through his teeth, his smile wide yet not as welcoming. He corrects you, albeit a little disappointedly. “She’s kinda your superior even outside of the kitchen,” he reminds you of the use of honorifics and your lack thereof, even if you recall that he’d never done it with his friends before.

You blink once, twice at the correction, the sharp inhale that he had given you seconds prior making you release your exhale that’s much, much slower.

“Oh, okay. Thank you for reminding me, Chef Seokjin,” you comply but not without making a dig at him first, foregoing your initial annoyance for sincerity instead. “Does Chef Taehee know you’re engaged? And it just happens that it’s to me?”

He doesn’t know whether to be amused or to be annoyed at your jealousy. Jin swears he pictured in his head that him breaking the news to you would be a happy event. He didn’t exactly see in his vision that the happy in the event would last five minutes before it turned into an interrogation.

“It hasn’t really come up yet, so no. I don’t exactly make our relationship status as an icebreaker to anyone and everyone,” he answers, raising a hand when he sees another thought form in between your brows. “You’ve got nothing to worry about, sweetheart.”

You soften at his awareness towards the unexplainable unease you have brewing in your head, deflating in comparison to his posture. “I trust you, Jin. It’s just that-…”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain to me. I get it,” he shrugs, the smile on his face small yet sincere. “I mean, if roles were reversed and you were me and I’m you-…”

The reminder of your gap between you and your fiancé is enough to make you tune out, unaware you’re even doing it until you hear his parking words. He’s the Michelin-starred chef and you’re the line cook. You both finished the same culinary course, but it’s clear which one of you had reached further with it. He’s only three years older than you, but the things that he achieved at your age trump everything you’ve accomplished throughout your whole career.

You and Jin aren’t equals. You’ve never been and you probably never will. Him and Taehee are the closest to being equals as it can get, but the difference is that she’s his ex and you’re his fiancée.

“I’d cheer you on for having your own show. Even if it happens that you share it with your ex.”

Jin looks to you with the same sincerity he had in his eyes when he shook you awake to propose, all because he hated lying to you, so you know he speaks the truth now.

“Okay,” you relent, squeezing his hand. “Just promise me it won’t get in the way of wedding preparations, alright?”

“I promise, I promise,” he assures you, embracing you in his warmth once more until his phone rudely vibrates against you, making him spooked. He takes one look until he bounces back, already fumbling out of the bedroom door. “Whoops. Gotta go. We need to meet with the producers.”

You trail after him with a snort, wanting to atleast walk him out of the garage and into the driveway after you perhaps spoiled a little of his good news. Jin lets you because he can’t say no anyways, laughing at how you’re barefoot on the pavement from the abrupt turn of events.

“Where are you going? The office is that way,” you ask in confusion, more invested at the way Jin’s seemingly forgot his usual routes overnight than the way the pavement digs into your feet.

“Oh, I know. I was just gonna pick Taehee up because she said her car’s getting fixed,” he shrugs like it’s the easiest thing in the world, and the conflicted look on your face attests that it’s not. He sighs, darting out his hand in front of your face to snap you out of your daze. “We’re exes, we’re professional, we’re engaged, and I’m cooking you dinner tonight! You’ve got nothing to worry about.”

You’re placated for the most part, seeing Jin off with a smile as you take your time to get back in the house.

You’ve got nothing to worry about, you convince yourself as you settle back in, checking your phone out of curiosity.

You’ve got nothing to worry about, you desperately convince yourself as you search his ex and click the first article that you see.

Kim Taehee; full-time Michelin-starred chef, part-time car enthusiast — Say, what’s in Chef Taehee’s apron besides her trademark knife skills and the contract to her food reality show with Chef Seokjin? The keys to her five cars, of course.

EEEEEEEEEEEEE A JIN FIC!!! it's one of my fave pieces that i've ever written and if u ask me (n my patrons), it's a fic with a new-ish style compared to what i usually do!!

wanna read the whole fic now + exclusive drabbles? this piece is exclusively posted on my patreon :D

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palant1r · 1 year

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There are so many fascinating interpretations of light's cannonball into immorality but i have no friends to talk about it with 😭 so why do u think light went so evil so quick? one of my fave interpretations is that, even tho light spoke a bit on how he thought the world was rotten, his ideology was a retroactive justification for killing ppl using the notebook and that his first two kills were actually just him being "bored" and everything grew from there

Man, okay. I have a confession to make: one of the reasons I find Light so fascinating is that I really see myself in him — we just went down uh. VERY different paths. So maybe I'm projecting a bit, but I find his cannonball both understandable and deeply sad, while simultaneously inexcusable and thoughtless. Here goes:

I think that Light has always been someone who is extremely concerned with being Good. His greatest fear is being Bad. Not to personality type him, but he is the quintessential enneagram type one. He holds a deep amount of anger at perceived injustice, and because he needs to be Good, that anger becomes righteous. The thing is, when people are terrified of being anything but Good, that doesn't actually make them do good things. It makes them justify anything they do as good, and makes them completely unwilling to question their own worldviews because the idea of accidentally discovering they've been Bad is too painful to bear. (Like how, when Ryuk says Light would be the only bad person left, Light pulls out some non sequitur and refuses to even engage with that possibility). Another thing is, Light Yagami finds the Death Note when he's in high school. Maybe if he'd found the Death Note later, he wouldn't have gone full Kira mode. But he found the Death Note at a time in his life when he was starting to come up with his own rigid and righteous moral code without the experience to incorporate nuance. Another thing: his dad is a cop, and as I've discussed, he clearly gets his moral code from his dad but with even MORE anxiety about Doing a Bad.

So he finds the Death Note. And he kills the dude who took those hostages. I think he was just being a stupid teenager here, acting impulsively but convincing himself he was being Big Brained. Remember, cop dad: he believes that Crime is a thing that must be Punished, and that Punishment is a Moral Good. It has to be, otherwise his dad and him by extension are Bad, and that is simply unacceptable. After that, I don't think Light was thinking beyond immediate practicalities — the weight of what he'd done hadn't set in yet. He had to confirm the Death Note's power, because Light is ALSO someone who really needs certainty and control. So he kills that one attempted rapist.

And THEN what he's done sets in. We see Light have a mental breakdown, stare the slippery slope in the face, and then immediately decide to grab a sled.

Here's what I think happened. When he realized what he'd done, Light was left with two possibilities. The first was to admit to himself that he was a murderer — that he had done a Bad Thing, and for Light, doing a Bad Thing is totally indistinguishable from being intrinsically, ontologically Bad. This was obviously too painful. So he went with option two: in order to preserve his own self-image as a Good Person, he retroactively justified his actions as Good. This was made easier by the cop morality poison, since under that framework, punishing evil makes people good. After all, there was no doubt a riot team ready to move in on that daycare who might have killed that guy anyway.

Of course, once he'd done that, he couldn't stop there. Light is also a responsible, dutiful person. Because he'd mentally framed his killings as a heroic and necessary act for the sake of self-preservation, continuing his "cleansing" became not just morally neutral but a moral duty. One that he had to continue in order to preserve his self-image of a Good Person. It's a self deluding feedback loop where his actions are good because he is good, and he is good because his actions are good. Light has absolutely no moral self-awareness because that would force him to confront the most painful truth he could possibly acknowledge. His view of ethics is mind-numbingly, braindead-ly simple (baby's first deterrence theory) (someone get Hobbes on the line, this bitch is trying to be the Leviathan) because it's never meant to be a coherent philosophy in the first place — it's a self-justifying defense mechanism.

It's like...so sad to me. Because I see in Light Yagami the potential for an actual well-adjusted person — he wasn't doomed to turn out like this. As much as we clown, without the Death Note I don't think he'd become the Unabomber. He clearly wants to be a good person! But the Death Note didn't "control" or "corrupt" him, either. It just gave him absolute power to carry out an extreme ideology driven by his police upbringing and moral anxiety at a time when he did not have the experience to pump the brakes.

#death note #meta #light yagami

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mysterious-moonstruck-musings · 10 months

Text

Destiny & Deliverance Chapter 4

Destiny & Deliverance Masterlist ||| Dieter Bravo X OFC

SUPPORT YOUR CREATORS. REBLOGGING & COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED.

Series Rating: Explicit (18+)

Series Summary: Natalia Cohen is experiencing major life changes, beginning with leaving an emotionally abusive husband. She is learning how to navigate life on her own while dealing with high functioning anxiety, depression, and mild PTSD. Everything is looking up for her. She is a highly respected consultant for a major LA firm, has her best friend, Lauren, by her side, and is on her path to healing. Everything changes when she meets a handsome and broken stranger on a work trip. He turns out to be a well-known actor, with a heart-breaking past. They quickly develop a connection that will forever alter their lives.

Warnings: Themes dealing with mental health, emotional trauma, alcohol use, and discussions about suicide. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. This will be a slow burn type of story. Read at your own risk.

Chapter Quote: “This must be the ‘fucking scary’ side that I heard about.”

I awoke to my neighbor’s alarm going off, again. I didn’t want my Tuesday to start like this. I was annoyed, but it really wasn’t even that loud. A normal person would probably sleep through it. I laid there attempting to go back to sleep. It went off again twenty minutes later. Seriously, what is the point of hitting the snooze button? Just get up already and be done with it.

I rolled over and grabbed my phone to do a quick email check. I had an email from Aubry saying she hoped my trip was going well. Nothing else. She was phishing for information. I hit reply and typed out, “It’s fantastic.” then hit send. She was going to love that. I was giving her nothing.

I sat there for a moment wondering if Dieter had social media. This is a slippery slope, I thought. Then I opened Instagram anyway and found him. It was a verified public account, so I’m not sure what I expected to find. There was a lot of promotional stuff for his movies and shows. Some pictures from his travels. Typical celebrity stuff most likely. The latest post was an advertisement for a talk show that was happening this morning. I went to the search bar and entered his name in. Tons of images came up. Pictures of him out with friends. Paparazzi images of him walking around LA. I actually felt kind of bad for the guy. He couldn’t even walk down the street without someone shoving a camera in his face.

The alarm next door went off again ten minutes later. I huffed and threw my phone down on the bed. I decided to get up and start my day. My morning started the same as yesterday’s, minus the encounter with Dieter. Joe was waiting for me with coffee and a blueberry scone at 7AM. Megan met me outside the building when I arrived. She shared a funny story about her dog on the way up to the office. I felt like she was slowly warming up to me.

I spent the entire day doing observations and meeting with different staff members to ask questions. My lunch break was quick. I scarfed down the chicken alfredo that Megan had ordered, then immediately got back to work. I was beginning to feel a little overwhelmed with the amount of information that was coming in. I was starting to worry that maybe I wouldn’t be able to get through everything before the end of the week and I still hadn’t come across any obvious red flags. I was concerned that I had missed something. That familiar feeling of anxiety was really starting to kick in by the end of the day. I, of course, did not let it show. I was also feeling pretty exhausted. I thought about taking it easy on the workload this evening at the hotel. Maybe even try to go to bed a little earlier.

When 5 PM hit, I was ready to get out of there. I was peopled out for the day. Talking to people could be so mentally and physically exhausting for me since I tend to be more introverted. These were always my worst days. I would much rather be locked in a room reviewing data.

I walked out to meet Joe. He greeted me with a smile and again asked if I needed to make any stops before the hotel. I declined and slumped down into the seat. He didn’t try for any chit chat today. I think he could tell I was worn out. He just let me be. We pulled up in front of the hotel and he opened the door to let me out. He told me to have a good evening and he would be here at his usual time in the morning. I nodded my thanks and gave him a small smile.

I slowly walked into the hotel entrance debating on if I wanted to post up downstairs again while I had dinner or go back to my room and just eat junk food. I stopped in front of the restaurant and looked in. Not a soul in sight, except for Tim the bartender. He saw me, pulled out a wine glass, and started pouring whatever it was he gave me yesterday. I walked in and smiled thanking him as I took it to my back corner booth. He followed behind me.

“Tough day?” he asked.

“Not tough. Just long and I still have more to do.”

“Are we having a steady flow of wine and appetizers tonight?” he asked with a sympathetic look on his face.

“Why not.” I said as I shrugged. He laughed and walked back to put in my order.

I started pulling out all of my stuff and got to work reviewing more documents. It was an hour and a half later and a glass and a half of wine in when a voice asking to join me snapped me out of my intense focus. It was Dieter. I knew it as soon as I heard his voice. I looked up and he gave me that big, brilliant smile that made me want to melt. I smiled back, “Of course, have a seat!”

“I hope I’m not distracting you from your work. I can go somewhere else if I need to.”

“No! Not at all. Actually, I think I could use a distraction right now. I need a break. I told myself I was going to take it easy tonight, yet here I am.” I gestured to my stuff spread out on the table and gave an exasperated laugh.

“Well, if you insist on a distraction…” he chuckled as he sat down in the curved booth, rather closely on my right side. I could feel the heat from his body due to his proximity. It was a miracle that I could focus on anything else.

“So, how’s it going? Have you uncovered the big secret yet?” he asked with what seemed like genuine interest.

I sighed heavily, “No, not at all. I have suspicions, but nothing to back it up so far. I’m hopeful I’ll find something tomorrow when I really start digging into their data and tech stuff. I’m starting to get a little worried there may be nothing. Which, if that’s the case, it is what it is. The CEO doesn’t have any definitive proof of anything going on, he just suspects. I didn’t want details on the who or why yet. I don’t want any potential bias to affect what I am doing.”

“I am sure you’ll figure it out. You seem pretty intelligent.” he said as he gently bumped his shoulder against mine. I felt hot suddenly.

“Wha…what about you? Have you heard back about the audition or whatever it was you were anxious about?” I stuttered out.

“I haven’t. I think I should probably hear something tomorrow. I know they’ve inquired about my filming schedule, so that could be a good sign.”

“That’s awesome. Hopefully you’ll have something to celebrate tomorrow.”

Bartender Tim came over to take Dieter’s order. He ordered a beer and asked what I was having.

“I am partaking in endless appetizers and wine tonight. Feel free to have some of whatever I get surprised with next.” Dieter knitted his eyebrows together and started laughing at me. He looked back at bartender Tim and said, “Yeah, bring extra of whatever you're bringing her. We can split it. I’m down for a little appetizer roulette.” Bartender Tim sniggered at us and walked off.

“Bartender Tim and I have become BFFs already. He’s making sure I’m taken care of.” I said as I raised my wine glass as if to give a toast, then finished it off.

“How much of that have you had?” Dieter asked.

“Why? Do I sound drunk already? This is just my second glass. Trust me, I can tolerate more.” He chuckled.

“I don’t know about drunk, but you’re definitely amusing yourself. How long were you down here yesterday? I saw you as I was leaving.”

“A while..and you didn’t say hi? I feel insulted.” I said jokingly and lightly pushed on his shoulder. For fuck’s sake, I was flirting. I should stop drinking. It’s going to get me in trouble.

Bartender Tim came back with Dieter’s beer, cheese sticks and jalapeno poppers, more wine, and a glass of water for me. I didn’t even ask for the water. I think he was just doing me a solid before I got sloppy.

Dieter continued our conversation, “I actually wanted to pop in and say hi, but I was running late. As usual. A fucking disaster as you say. There just isn’t enough time in the day sometimes.”

My phone buzzed. Lauren always had impeccable timing. I tried to ignore it, but it kept buzzing. I looked at him and said sorry as I picked up my phone.

LAUREN: What are you doing?

LAUREN: I haven’t heard from you much. You need to take a break and call me.

LAUREN: I’m bored.

LAUREN: What do you want to do for our girl’s day when you get back? Maybe a spa day?

LAUREN: You DO need to learn how to relax occasionally.

I rolled my eyes at her. She always did this when she was bored. Normally I found it to be hilarious, but I didn’t have time for that right now. I hit reply.

ME: I can’t talk right now.

LAUREN: Why? Are you being held hostage?

LAUREN: If it’s because of work, then yes you can. Take a break already.

ME: I’m busy.

LAUREN: Are you ok? These are weird responses for you.

LAUREN: Waaaaaaaait. Are you with the hottie?

LAUREN: You better tell me if you are. You know you can’t lie to me.

Dieter was giving me the side eye.

“I’m sorry. It’s my best friend. She is being needy and ridiculous right now.” He gave me a raised eyebrow and a smirk. “That’s fine. No biggie.” I started typing out a response.

ME: Ok, yes. I am. We will talk later.

LAUREN: Hell yes! Get it GUUURL!

ME: Stop it. Bye.

I set my phone back down on the table. “Everything ok?” he asked.

“Yeah, she’s just bored. She gives me hell for working too much. She tends to be a bundle of energy, so she starts about five different conversations before I can get the first response in.” He laughed at my description of her.

“I can’t fuss about her too much. She’s been amazing the last few months. Helping me with things and all the drama I’ve been dealing with.” I said without thinking. Hopefully he didn’t ask me to elaborate.

“Drama?” he asked. I gave him a contemplative look. Ok, I guess we are going there, I thought. Without thinking, I put my right hand up to my shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

“I’ve been going through a divorce. He was an asshole and a cheater. I put up with it way longer than I should have. He really messed me up, but it’s done now. Hopefully I’ll never see him again.” I looked down at my glass of wine, expressionless and unblinking. Dieter reached over and grabbed my right hand away from my shoulder, breaking my thoughts. He sat it on the table and gave it a squeeze. I looked up at him and our eyes locked. I could feel my heart almost beating out of my chest.

“No one deserves to be treated like that. Karma is a bitch. It’ll bite him back one day. He’ll never be happy and live a miserable existence.”

He said it with conviction. At that moment, I felt like he was looking into my soul with his dark eyes. I could see the sadness hidden there again. It made me wonder if someone had hurt him in the past. He slowly let go of my hand.

I let out a measured breath, “I certainly hope so. Who knows, maybe one day karma may come in the form of slashed tires and sugar in the gas tank of his fancy car,” I said casually. I was attempting humor to lighten the mood. He took the bait and started laughing at me.

“This must be the ‘fucking scary’ side that I heard about,” he said through his laughs.

“Welcome to the show, I’ll be here all week.”

Thankfully that did lighten the mood. We spent two and a half hours chatting, eating, and drinking. The conversation and laughter never stopped. His fun and boisterous side was more evident now than our previous encounters. He had a hilarious sense of humor and even a touch of dark humor that I could appreciate. The small touches continued. He would lean into me and lay his forehead on my shoulder when he laughed. I had seen pictures of him with his friends appearing to do the same thing, so I couldn’t tell if this is just the way he was with people or if he was being flirty. He was very hard to read. I did, however, feel very at ease with him. My anxiety was non-existent once we got past the initial awkwardness. He seemed to be more at ease as well.

Around 10 PM we decided to call it a night since we both had an early start. I slowly stood up and started packing all my stuff that had been scooted to the other side of the table as he handed it over to me. I was still slightly tipsy.

“So…” he started to say, then gave a long pause. I stopped what I was doing and looked down at him. “Is it possible that I might run into you down here tomorrow evening? I should be done kind of early.” He looked down at the nearly empty glass in front of him and started lightly tapping on the table with his index finger. He was clearly nervous to ask. He kept his head lowered but looked up at me through his lashes while he bit his lip. Was he trying to give me a heart attack? My mind momentarily wandered to me biting that lip. I shook my head. What the hell was my problem? I suddenly felt embarrassed, like he could read my thoughts. I finally pulled it together enough to respond.

“It’s a very good possibility. We do have to celebrate tomorrow after all.”

He gave me a questioning look.

“We’ll be celebrating you getting that role. I have a good feeling about it.”

He gave me a huge smile and said, “Please don’t jinx it” as he got up out of the booth.

We walked over to the elevator and got on.

“Which floor?” he asked as he hit the number “9”. I froze and looked at him, slightly confused.

“What?”

“Are you on the 9th floor?”

“Yeah, why?”

The doors slid shut and I started laughing hysterically. Immediately thinking of Lauren talking about all the destiny garbage. This was getting comical.

“What’s so funny?” he said with a very confused look on his face.

“Nothing. It’s just that we’re on the same floor.” He kind of laughed too. The door slid open, and we both stepped off of the elevator. We stopped, awkwardly standing in the middle of the hallway. I had a gut feeling, and I wasn’t sure if I could handle the answer, but I asked anyway.

“Which room is yours?”

“The second to the end on the left side.”

I absolutely lost it and doubled over in laughter. “You’re the snooze guy!” I said through my laughter. He stared at me wide eyed and confused.

I finally got it together and had to wipe tears from my eyes. It was absolutely absurd at this point.

“Just so you know, I’ve been internally cursing you every morning because I can hear your alarm every time it goes off.”

“You can hear that?” he said in disbelief.

“Yes, I can. I’m pretty sure our beds share a wall.”

He looked slightly embarrassed for a minute, but then started laughing too. We began walking toward our doors, both still laughing and shaking our heads. We said our goodnights and keyed into our respective suites. Our eyes lingered on each other as we walked through the doors.

I walked into my suite and shut the door in utter disbelief. There is no way this is actually happening. I threw my stuff down on the couch in the sitting area and dug my phone out of my bag to text Lauren.

ME: You’re never going to believe this.

LAUREN: Well, hello to you too, jerk. I’ve been waiting to hear from you.

My phone started ringing. She wasted no time calling me. I answered, acutely aware that he was right next door. I was paranoid he could hear me. I stayed on the opposite end of the suite, pacing and talking in a hushed voice.

“Well? What’s the big news? Did you finally get laid?” Lauren said sarcastically.

“What?! No. Shut up. I am dying right now. His room literally shares a wall with mine. He’s next door. It’s his alarm that's been waking me up the last two mornings.”

She was quiet for what seemed like forever. Then there was a burst of laughter.

“You absolutely cannot make this stuff up,” she said through her maniacal guffaws.

“So, are you going to tell me what you’ve been doing all this time? I need details.”

“Not many details to be had. We’ve been downstairs at the restaurant talking. We realized our rooms were next to each other after we called it a night. We both laughed about it.”

“That’s all I get? Really?”

“Yes.”

“You. Suck.”

“I’m sorry, I just don’t want to read into anything that’s not there. I know if I tell you, we’ll both be doing that. Honestly, I think he’s lonely and just wants someone to hang out with who isn’t fawning over who he is.”

“Wait, so does he know that you know who he is?”

“No. I haven’t said anything.”

“Don’t you think maybe you should?”

“Yeah, maybe. I don’t want him to think I was looking him up though.”

“Good point. Maybe it’ll come up naturally next time you see him. Assuming you do.”

I was quiet. I wasn’t sure if I should tell her we had already discussed dinner tomorrow.

“Why aren’t you saying anything?”

“Oh my gosh, fine. He’s going to be done early tomorrow, so we’re going to meet for dinner again.”

“Oh. Yeah. There is totally nothing to this,” she said sarcastically.

“That’s it. I’ve got to go. I’m tired. Bye. Goodnight.”

“Let me know how tomorrow goes!” I heard her yelling as I hung up.

I got ready for bed. After laying there in the dark for what seemed like forever, I reached for my phone and searched his name again. There were so many pictures and videos of him out with his friends. There were also a lot of him with people he worked with and at events. Nothing recent romantically linking him to any girls though. I skimmed comments on the pictures. On several, there were people arguing about his relationship status and preferences. Poor guy, no wonder he wasn’t dating anyone. The general public and paparazzi were all up in his business. I heard the faint sound of a TV click on, next door. It seems Dieter was having trouble sleeping too. It was nearing midnight, and I was still wide awake. Knowing that he was just on the other side of the wall was kind of driving me crazy. I could feel the magnetic pull, drawing me to him. I decided I was going to get up and take some melatonin in hopes that would knock me out. About 30 minutes later, I finally drifted off into another restless sleep.

A/N: Things really start heating up between our dear Dieter and Talia in the next chapter. I promise, it’s coming soon. 😉

Next Chapter

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gutsfics · 3 months

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can you give specific examples of what happened to help people understand what happened

this is non-extensive, just the ones i think are the most egregious of what shes done and said

i'm not sure how much of this is stuff she's deleted, as these are all from screenshots i already had on hand, but i would like to say that deleting a post doesn't necessarily mean you no longer agree with what was said in it, especially if you double down on what was said when you're called out for it. which she has done Plenty of times

and for the record, this is not something i enjoy doing. part of the reason this took me a few days to post is because this is stressing me the fuck out and ive been trying to spend as little brainpower on this as possible

First point: queerphobia in the form of homophobic jokes, sharing panphobic rhetoric, and talking for transgender people on a topic she (as far as i am aware) has no

the pelicansexual "joke" was told at the expense of Ethan and Tobias during the "Ethan Bisexuality Canonity" argument she & i got into in June (which btw i would like to apologize for starting that up, i was frustrated w pb's coddling of the cishet part of the fandom & i was having difficulty phrasing it bc of how upset i was w it. i did not mean to attack the fandom specifically but intent doesn't cover for outcome)

the pelicansexual joke was a since-deleted tag on one of her posts which went something along the lines of "my Ethan and Tobias are now pelicansexuals, which means they have to break up with [her characters] as they are not pelicans". i dont have a screenshot of this unfortunately, but i do have a screenshot of her response to an anon calling her out on it.

in case you don't understand why her "joke" was homophobic, before gay marriage was legalized in the US in 2015, a common anti-homosexuality talking point was "homosexuality being legalized is a slippery slope to bestiality being legalized". while it is good she deleted her "joke", its frankly worrying to me that when called out on it she doubled down on how she was joking when she said it, instead of listening and learning. her bisexuality and queer activism do not mean that she is incapable of saying and doing homophobic things.

the panphobic rhetoric & her talking for transgender people are, if i remember correctly, both part of the same incident wherein she reblogged something panphobic and then, when called out for it, said something that something that most trans people consider transphobic isn't actually transphobic at all

screenshot 1: bisexuality and pansexuality are two very similar sexualities, with the main difference between the two coming down to personal preference for what term you feel like best. while bisexuality does mean "sexual attraction to two or more genders", some people prefer a term that focuses on the "or more" part. neither sexuality excludes transgender people. pitting queer people against each other because theyre not the "right" kind of queer does nothing but damage the queer community as a whole

screenshot 2: agreeing to delete the post, but doubling down on what she said and refusing to listen to anon simply because they're anonymous

screenshot 3: the highlighted part is what we're focusing on here. "We don't consider cis gay men who only date the same to be anti-trans". hi, I'm a trans gay man. Yes We Fucking Do. i don't understand why she thinks she has the authority to speak on this. what "we" is she referring to here?

Second point: lack of respect or understanding of boundaries in fandom spaces, including both blocks and simply not wanting to interact with someone

i'll be honest, i'm a bit unsure if the above paragraph is the right way of describing what i mean, but she has a bit of a history of being.... openly weird about people who have blocked her for "no reason", and not only that has stated she thinks that not wanting to take place in an event run by someone you are uncomfortable with is childish

i believe the first one is about my friend Jay, who has her blocked for similar reasons that i do. while it is perfectly fine for her to assume whatever she wants about the reasoning for a block, her phrasing of "all i ever did was be supportive" in a public post about it allows her to victimize herself over a boundary being placed. speaking of Jay, Elsa has, knowing full well that she's been blocked by xim on the "peonyblossom" blog- which, again, is a boundary that has been placed- decided to message xim on the choicespride blog xe runs

the second one is specifically about a tumblr user who i do not know personally and do not wish to drag them into this as they have left the open heart fandom. she was sent an anon about this user blocking her which, yeah, is really weird and suspicious. but this isn't about that, this is about her response to learning she's been blocked. she refers to herself as this users "biggest fan" and says that it "isn't normal" to block your biggest fan. once again she is victimizing herself over a boundary someone else has placed, only this time she has done it in a post talking about a person with their username in it. when you have a blog as big as hers, people are bound to go after someone in the name of defending the person they feel was slighted

& here's her essentially calling people childish bc they might not want to interact with someone who causes them harm. iirc this was either about certain event blogs in the fandom not disclosing who's running them bc they know full well that some people might not be comfortable interacting with them (hiding ur identity will not help with that) or about people choosing not to participate because they know that the person running the event is someone they don't want to interact with. this ones just bizarre to me. no one has to interact with anyone ever, and calling them childish for it is, frankly, childish

Third point: her callout post for Jeremy and her non-apology

to get it out of the way: i'm friends with Jeremy. i'll try to keep this as unbiased as possible, but i am deeply deeply upset and frustrated with everything thats happened to rain. also, just so yall know, Jeremy gave me permission to talk about this. i'm not just dredging up old drama for drama's sake here.

first- the callout post

the thing that started this was a post to the playchoicesconfessions blog where an anonymous user said- and i'm copy/pasting it here- "Ethan said he and Tobias were like brothers. Weird how many people in the fandom want to get with their brothers.’" essentially, this anonymous user accused people who ship Ethias as being into irl incest which..... we will not be getting into all the ways thats problematic here.

(as an aside, Elsa did at some point reblog and then delete this post, but her commentary was focused squarely on "ship and let ship" which is a sentiment i agree with but she completely ignored the blatant homophobia in this post. here's a version someone reblogged from her in case you're curious as to what she said)

Jeremy reblogged this confession post and added "i genuinely hope this person and others who think like this eat a fucking bullet holy shit" specifically in reference to the anon insinuating incest. in turn, anons on rain's blog assumed rai was referring to people who don't ship Ethais and sent rain nasty messages, which rai would respond to and get more anons who saw the latest response and again assume rai was talking about not shipping a ship they ship and not the actual genuine fucking homophobia from the original confession post.

one of these anons sent screenshots of rain's posts to Elsa, without the context, and told her rai was talking about her. rai was not. not until the post where rai (rightfully, ihmo) called both Elsa and another blogger (this one who also got a similar ask about being blocked by the user i mentioned earlier but who decided to put it in the open heart tags instead of keep it on their blog the way Elsa did. that's the only props i'll give to her in regards of that- yes it was shitty she posted it in the first place but at least she didn't tag it) for complaining about and villainizing someone who blocked them.

tldr version is- Jeremy was venting about anons that were being homophobic to rain, another anon sent screenshots of those posts to Elsa without the context who who rai was talking about and said they were about her, and Elsa, without bothering to verify in any way, decided the best course of action would be to publicly call rai out, painting rain as a bully who has been targeting her specifically and once again victimizing herself. on her blog with a bunch of followers. many of whom also chose not to verify, and instead just heaped more hatred onto Jeremy's blog.

this went on until September, when they talked to each other at first with a third party go-between, and eventually person-to-person. Jeremy explained the context of the vent posts, Elsa explained that she was getting the screenshots with no context from an anon and admitted she should have verified them herself instead of going full nuclear, and they both agreed to apologize publicly

all good, end of story, right?

no.

while in Jeremy's post, rai took accountability for their side of what happened in this awful game of telephone and apologized for rains part in the whole thing. if you want to read it, here is a version of it.

Elsa, on the other hand.... well she apologized, but to be honest I'm not quite sure what for.

she says there's been misunderstandings on both parts led on by one or more anonymous sources (no arguments here), says she understands that the posts that were sent to her were not actually about her (okay good) and says that its a tough world and that she's deleted her posts.

okay.... but that doesn't specify what she did at all to need the apology. which was publicly call out Jeremy on her blog with.... well, i'm not sure how many followers she has, but i do know that she's got the most well known blog in the choices fandom. by publicly calling out Jeremy in the way that she did, she (whether intentional or not) set her followers out to attack rains blog. she did not apologize for this. asking people to stop sending hate to rains blog is not the same as taking accountability for sending those people to rains blog in the first place

so. yeah.

again, non-extensive list, but i dont wanna mention things she's done without having screenshots or links to show proof that she did it, and i dont feel like finding more of her bullshit bc this just. really fucking stressed me out.

also this isn't me saying "shes a terrible person forever and i hate her and nobody should like her ever" this is me saying "hey, shes done/said some hurtful things in the past and it sure would be cool if she acknowledged any of it" but i think coolsville sucks or whatever.

also also most importantly: its possible for queer people to say and do things that are queerphobic. being queer yourself does not give you a shield from people calling you out for that. neither does real life activism. its great that she's done real life activism! but pointing back to things you've done in the past, or for a different group of people than the one youre in does not exempt you from the harm youre causing today, to the people you're interacting with.

i dont have a proper ending to this

thanks for reading i guess

#once again i am apologizing to my mutuals from my main blog who are following me here & not apart of this fandom #sorry yall have to witness me slowly tearing off my own face and eating it every few months

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fortunatelyenchantingtaco · 16 days

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I know Geto is like a big sore spote in the whole fandom and i might be a bit insane, but i do love his story specifically because i dont think there is a way to fix it

We are being shown that well, he got really depressed and went into self isolation. In most cases, the best course of action would be to remove him from distress and have time to heal. The issue is that Geto couldnt just leave — he believes he needs to kill curses, and to become stronger he needs to eat them which distresses him further, and if he leaves people will die, and he cant ignore that just to keep himself sane. For a man like him if he head a specific goal to become strong for, i dont think the eating process would have been such a big issue, but we have to have a big distinction that jujutsu sorcerer is, at the end of the day, a profession. You’re not a chosen superhero to save the world. Those growing up in clans may have a worse childhood, but growing up with understanding that yes curses exist its part of nature does make it easier to bear. Which is one of reason why Gojo, even while having all the trauma, didnt have such gripes with reasons or goals — this is a life he was born into.

Thinking of sorcery as more than a job makes you perceive yourself as more of a hero, and heroes are good and just and get recognition. Non sorcerers dont know about them. Geto fell into a trap of doing something for others and despairing. Its easier not to think about that shit when you’re naturally good at it, and you have fun — which is why Amanai situation and Gojo becoming stronger was so bad. Now he went on missions alone, which meant no company to distract him, and now it was no longer all fun shits and giggles, its a job full of tragedies. Considering Gojo was targeted since birth, we can assume he killed people before Toji, death is, unfortunately, familiar to him. Not for Geto — not seeing someone you care about die right before you, and certainly not being that close to death himself. He’s not longer the best at it, and its no longer fun, and he gets no recognition. Tobe precise, those are not bad thinks to want — we all want them. But if you dont get them here he would have been better to ya know. Find another job probably

Like the worst part about this whole thing is that some shit like that would have happened eventually one way or another, they’re not invincible. Childhood would eventually end, and in a way Geto spiraling is inevitable. The system is inherently flawed, and the issue they deal with is cruel. Some jobs are much more dangerous and have a detrimental effect on your mental health — its just that no one thought to give jujustu sorcerers some help, which is another problem. Adding the fact that he’s neither a saviour being thanked by everyone, or a strongest, yeah, he can’t figure out how to do this shit.

In AUs, I do think there are ways he could have handled it. Like if Gojo wasn’tin school, maybe he took his whole education with the clan? Or my au where he’s in a prison realm for centuries? Like yeah, sure, if Geto was the strongest, the only person here, i do think he would have probably felt invaluable. Youre great for your profession, you were born for it, why would you leave?

This may be projecting, but i do think his way of thinking about it is inherently flawed, a very slippery slope. People need a goal, a meaning, but looking for it outward is a sure way to get yourself into a slump, I went through this shit in a nasty manner when everything i did revolved around other people. Basing your decisions on what others would think is an easy way to pretend like its not your responsibility. This is why Gojo tells Megumi to be selfish and this is why during the entrance exams Yaga says that others wont appreciate your actions and you cant base your motivations off others.

Thats the ultimate tragedy, the fact that thinking like Geto did is ridiculously easy. You go into uni on the same course as your friend just to be with them and when something goes wrong your first thought would be that you did that for them, even thought its your life choices and decision. Yeah.

I have no conclusions for you, just some ramblings. I like my Geto mean and fucked up and insecure, makes him so real and relatable as a person.

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be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie · 1 year

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If i have time once i dfinish w my tests, ill try turning this into a fic--

An actual, legal custody battle between the Sullys and Quaritch, who would win?

The Sullys have a history with Child neglect. A good lawyer could make a case for verbal and emotional abuse from Neytiri, as well as physical, if the cut from the ship comes into play (also p sure she tries to attack him multiple times in the comics). You could argue that they can't provide a safe environment for him, and they could use his lack of schooling against them.

Quaritch definitely engaged in some physical abuse, with the whole 'pointing a gun at him, kidnapping him, bringing him to be tortured' thing. However, a very good lawyer could argue that it was his right, as Spiders bio dad, to bring him home, as the Sullys nor anyone else went through the legal human (or na'vi) trouble of adopting him.

And on top of that, if they reviewed the actual torture video of Spider (p sure they got security cams) it would look like Quaritch never actively partook in the torture, and was even the one who stopped it when it became clear that Spider was at risk of serious injury (nose bleeding in a mind tearing machine means bad news, methinks) (I'd think he'd start having some kind of stroke?) Then theres the whole "provide better schooling, housing etc etc".

The Sullies lawyer could argue that Quaritch is the reason he was tortured, and that he held him hostage for months. Could argue that he was putting him in danger by bringing him on that ship (Jake "brings his kids to the battlefield" Jake has no rral leg to stand on) (i mean, cmon, Lo'ak is 14!!! Make him help the wounded or smth)

I think a proper custody battle fic would be cool, so I'm really mad that I have to write it

>:(((

This is the third legal battle on Pandora ask I've gotten. Don't take my response personally and please do what you wish, these are just my opinions and thoughts, as I've really been stewing on it. You know I'm all about the implications of things, again this is not at all at you or the other anon you just got me thinking.

I gotta be honest, this premise does not do it for me at all. I don't vibe with the legal system applying to the Na'vi, first of all. They are not US citizens, they are not even on Earth. Applying a legal system to them that they have no knowledge of and have no reason to follow is another aspect of colonization and genocide that is a huge issue still today. Applying our standards and morals to other communities is wrong. The legal system in the US and Canada has a huge problem of taking indigenous children from the indigenous community and placing them with white families today. Eradicating future cultural generations is a genocidal tactic. This is not the same as the situation with Spider, but a legal battle with the Na'vi over a child has those echos to me. There are only the laws of Eywa on Pandora, why should they be judged on arbitrary rules that apply on Earth? I don't understand it; it has such a colonialist mindset. There is no way to even enforce a ruling, the Na'vi don't have courts and therefore the jury would be human and heavily biased, and there isn't a judge and they would also be biased if there was. Even Spider does not know or follow the laws of Earth, he is not a US citizen. The Na'vi have not been following proper hunting ordinances, if US law applies the game wardens are gonna have to do a lot of ticketing and fining of the Na'vi's no money to fix that. At the very least it's wrong, at the most it's a slippery slope into US law applying to the Na'vi on Pandora which is a MAJOR colonizing step. We cannot even say that Lo'ak and Neteyam should not be on a battlefield, in Na'vi culture Neteyam is fully an adult member of the clan and we are told Na'vi mature faster than humans. Judging that as putting kids in danger is looking at things from a distinctly western and human perspective, when the Na'vi would likely see Jake as overprotective.

Second of all, I do find the concept of treating Quaritch as an actual viable parent as ludicrous. He is, again, a war criminal who has committed genocide. A great many of his war crimes were committed against Spider?? Arguing that anything Quaritch did was his legal right to bring Spider home is crazy, and also saying Spider wasn't adopted by the Sully's makes neglect not even something they can talk about in court as they weren't his guardians ever. Also saying Quaritch saved Spider from torture is laughable. He put Spider there, everything that happens to Spider in the RDA is entirely Quaritch's fault and responsibility. Taking a civilian war prisoner is a war crime. A child? Double war crimes. If this was a court, which again, I really don't like the idea of the American legal system applying to the Na'vi, Quaritch has a lot more problems them custody arguments. Man is in jail for the rest of his life, he's not getting custody.

#again i'm very sorry to be so harsh it is just my thoughts on the concept #pls do not take it at u my lovely friend of the blog #not everyone english majors all things #and please never stop sending me fic ideas please undercoverpan i love u please #miles spider socorro #spider socorro #spider sully #miles quaritch #jake sully #neytiri sully #avatar #avatar the way of water #james cameron avatar #melissa's asks #melissa on avatar (cameron)#melissa is an english major #melissa had an exam at 9am this morning about american literature pre 1860 #lotttt of indigenous sovereignty talk it got me fired up fam

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zuzsenpai · 2 months

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I'm honestly so furious right now. I work in a video and photography department for a large healthcare organization. We're a department of 9, plus an intern. We're under the "marketing" umbrella, though we do a lot more than marketing for the network (for example we also make patient and employee education videos/photos/animations).

Yesterday the social media department (also part of marketing. We supply photos and videos for them to post) posted an AI generated image on our company's instagram page. It was a photorealistic AI image of a baby, used to promote our pediatric cardiology service line. The image is so ridiculously obviously AI, it makes me want to puke. It's uncanny, too smooth with zero skin texture, the eyes are messed up, and the "baby" literally has full eyelashes on one eye and none on the other.

I'm livid because it's like... what the fuck do they need OUR department for if they're going to be using AI now?

To our knowledge, this is the first time they've done this. I get that there's an "argument" to be made that it's incredibly difficult and time consuming to set up a photoshoot with a real baby, and they wanted something fast and easy because the marketing service line directors are constantly on social media's ass to push out abhorrent amounts of marketing content on social media. This culture will never change. We've tried to explain that people don't like seeing constant mediocre ads for healthcare service lines when they are on social media. But the higher ups won't listen to that AT ALL. So... AI generated gross ass baby it is (I cannot stress enough how creepy this "baby" looks).

But it's a slippery slope. Because first it's a baby. Next it'll be a fake orthopedic surgery patient because who has time to find a real patient for our photographers to shoot? Never mind that people on social media actually DO like seeing real patient stories. Next it'll be a billboard on the highway with AI generated doctors because who cares to know what their real doctor looks like, right? This is making me so mad for the photographers in my department who work so fucking hard to shoot and edit stunning, quality images. Their jobs will be relegated to event photography until someday an unmanned robot can set up their own camera and do that too (they probably already can?).

Recently one of the service line directors in marketing asked me to use an AI voice for an animation I'm making. I had to put my foot down and say that we have three fantastic local voiceover artists who we use for these kinds of projects. One of them is a retired gentleman who went to school with my dad and is always extremely happy to get work from us. Sometimes I think these marketing people just want to use AI because it's trendy.

I understand that there are other industries and individuals who are already being massively affected by AI to a much larger and much more detrimental degree. And that my problems are largely me spinning out of control. I figured AI would hit us eventually, and there's really nothing I can do except continue to put my foot down about the voiceover thing. I can't do much for the photographers, sadly. I'm too nervous to get mad at social media, though I really wish I could at least point out how disgusting that baby looks. But I'm worried that I'm going to be some sort of pariah if I voice my opinion on it. I already get paid peanuts and there's really no way for me to advance my career here. So being the "person who shits on social media for using AI" might be detrimental to me in the long run. I really DO want to advocate for our photographers, but is it my place? Idk, it's complicated.

#what do i even tag this?#personal post for ts;#zuzu note;#ai for ts #tw ai #I don't know if people blacklist that kind of thing #I feel like you can't because ai is a common ummm combination of letters in words?#but just in case

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bullet-prooflove · 1 year

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Therapy Sessions- Nick Amaro x Reader

Tagging my girls: @misscharlielulu and @cosmic-psychickitty

Nick didn’t know that you went to the same boxing gym, not until he ran into you late one night. You were in the ring when he entered the building, sparing with his trainer Ezra. You were good, he thought as he hung back and watched. Well-conditioned and disciplined, you rolled easy with the punches you did take. You anticipated Ezra’s moves ducking and sliding with the grace of a dancer. You had been at it for years, he could tell.

Your session was winding down as he approached the ring, his gym bag slung over his shoulder. He set it down in the corner as you stripped off your gloves and placed them on the edge.

“Hey.” He greeted as he lifted one of the middle ropes for you to duck under. You exited elegantly, clasping his hand as he helped you off the podium. “I didn’t know you came here.”

You gave him that smile, the one that stole his breath away as you began to undo the vibrant red wraps that were wound around your palms and wrists. You hadn’t worked together long, just over six months, but he enjoyed spending time with you. You were a breath of fresh air in a job that was plagued with darkness. Being in your presence felt like he was stepping into the sunshine after a long, called winter.

“I didn’t know you did.” You returned, nudging him with your shoulder before stuffing the wraps into your gloves.

“Sometimes I have a little extra energy to burn off after a case. Boxing, it helps me work a few things out in here.” He said tapping his temple.

There was silence for a moment after his disclosure. He didn’t talk about his mental health issues, not really. Benson knew, Amanda had been around for some of the bad shit, but she had no idea he was in counselling, their casual thing had come to an end a couple of years ago and neither wanted to pick it up again. The two of them were toxic together.

“I usually do late nights or early mornings.” You supplied, your attention dropping to the laces of your sneakers.

There was something about the way you said it, the timbre of your words. He detected an undercurrent of shame in the revelation, he knew how your head could get fucked up especially in this job.

“You have trouble sleeping?” Nick asked, inclining his head so that he could study the profile of your features.

After his own experiences he should have been able to read the signs, however he also knew how easy it could be to hide them, to pretend that you were fine, day in and day out until you broke.

“Don’t you?” You returned.

Nick smiled because this was what you did. You believed in an exchange of information. A little give and take. Nick could work with that. The truth was he wanted to get to know you better, you were more than just a colleague to him and as for being friends…

What he felt went far deeper than that. He couldn’t pinpoint when it had started, only that it had. Your presence in his life had changed something and he felt more upbeat, more buoyant. His workdays seemed a little bit brighter, even after the shit he saw.

“The boxing helps.” Nick informed you. “I used to have anger issues. Ended up in therapy, boxing is a good outlet, it helps me channel it.”

He didn’t do this; he didn’t share personal details like this. It always felt too raw to talk about but right now it felt good to get it off his chest. He was showing you a part of himself he wasn’t proud of; it was as honest as he could be with another person.

“I used to drink.” You told him, tilting your head so that you could meet his gaze. “It started after a C.I of mine got shot and then…” You inhaled deeply. “It was a slippery slope. I’ve been working the program for about three years now.”

It made sense. Whenever they went out for a drink you always turned it down, you always had plans. Originally, he thought you had a partner, a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, but you had never mentioned a significant other. He’d been to your apartment a couple of times, when you were carpooling, and he’d seen no signs of a relationship.

“I should have been inviting you out to dinner instead of a drink.” He realised, rolling his eyes up to the ceiling.

“And you call yourself a detective.” You teased, a small smile ghosting across your lips. “It’s not that I’m not interested, it’s just the drinking thing when people find out about it…” You trailed off.

Nick got it, he really did. He hadn’t been easy to live with, he knew that and as soon as people found out about the anger issues, they associated it with violence. They thought he was unpredictable, that that monster inside of him could be unleashed at any moment. That wasn’t the truth, it began with a series of triggers, they were like keys snapping open locks to a cage with a beast inside it. He recognised those triggers now; he knew when things were starting to take a turn and he dealt with them beforehand.

“They judge you.” he said knowingly.

“Yea…”

“I don’t judge you.” he uttered, bumping his shoulder against yours. “You know that right? This job it comes with its own set of problems. If you ever need someone to talk to someone, I’m here for you.”

“Do you need someone to talk to Nick?” You asked him, jerking your head towards the ring. “Isn’t that why you’re here tonight?”

Nick’s dark eyes met yours and he wondered what you saw in them. Did you see the echoes of the cases that haunt him at night? The ones he didn’t catch.

“Yea.” He said, glancing over his shoulder at the boxing ring. “Maybe I do.”

Love Nick Amaro? Don’t miss any of his stories by joining the taglist here.

Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

#nick amaro imagine #nick amaro #nick amaro x you #nick amaro x reader

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spicybylerpolls · 3 months

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Quoting an anon ask on the bylerconfessions antisex discourse blog:

"Ok, so I decided to bring a point of view that from what I've seen hasn't been brought up yet. The fandom has a lot of adults and we already know that. Some of these adults experienced adolescence in very complicated times, similar to the 80s. Let's not forget that even today in 2024 we have cities where being LGBT is still a huge problem. It wasn't easy for us to live our adolescence in such an environment and I'm sure many of us didn't have a good experience. So, some look for NSFW content related to Byler and not because they are fantasizing about them, but rather to see a better experience than the one they had or even in a more positive way with a ship that they really like and support. I believe there is no problem with this and it does not mean that the person has sexual desires for teenagers, as some people on the tag have said. I myself was the same age as them when I lost my virginity."

Yes!! But, this anon went on to say this:

"However, and here comes my other point, this doesn't mean there isn't a limit to it. Discussing fetishes openly, who has the bigger member between the two or other worse things that I've seen lately is really unnecessary. I've seen people saying that it's normal to talk about sex and I agree, but it's not like the topic is about problematizing sexual relationships between gays or something like that, or representation in the media, but really unnecessary things like "who gives the better handjob?" there is a limit and people are crossing it and using a shitty excuse."

and i couldn't help but agree.

'it's fine to project through fiction, but please don't use that as an excuse to make polls on "who's toes curl more" '

i love the freedom of this blog, but some stuff sadly slides into weirdness. someone should make a freakybylerpolls blog for the gratuitous stuff, and leave the pondering about actual possible healthy sex for byler in s5 to this one.

I understand this as a concept, but I think it would be strange for the fandom safe space for "spicy/problematic" questions to also become filtered and policed. I think it's a slippery slope and a very thin line when it comes to determining what falls into the category of okay and reasonable and what falls into the category of "too far." Especially if one blog is serving as the border control. Everyone has different tastes, everyone has different standards, everyone has different lines, and everyone has different comfort levels. And that's all okay!

I've received asks that are all over the spectrum. Some, like the "Who has more internalized homophobia?" question, aren't even spicy, and some are... um... very far on the other end of the spectrum. On my pinned post I do ask people to use discretion when submitting polls, but as a poll blog, I stay completely neutral. I'm not a preacher, I'm a messenger. I don't endorse or unendorse any specific question.

This blog is for fun! The purpose is for our fandom to explore the potentially taboo without shame. I get that not everyone may be comfortable with every poll even if they support the blog overall, but that's honestly what the "see results" button is for. If someone doesn't want to engage with a specific question, they can scroll past it or press that button to opt-out. Or if they're not feeling the blog as a whole, they can block the tag or block the account. No hard feelings!

Anti-censorship and freedom for all!

#byler #spicy byler #no poll

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ven10 · 4 months

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hello, I was wondering which asoue character is your - well, i would say favourite, but I mean the one who fascinates you most, and why that is. I found your post about Duncan's idea to kick the fake sunny around hilarious, by the way.

Hi! My favourite characters are all three Quagmire triplets however the character who fascinates me the most is Quigley. 100%.

His actions are questionable at best, alongside who he chooses to place trust in. I get that Jaques was the first person Quigley was in contact with after the Quagmire fire so he would be more easily swayed by Jaques but still…the fact that Quigley CHOOSES to stay seperated from his siblings, allowing them to believe he is dead is intriguing, especially for someone claiming to have ventured to the Mortmain Mountains searching for them.

Quigley could have let Isadora and Duncan know he was alive at any time during their stay at Prufrock. On page 48 of ‘The Austere Academy’ Isadora states that she and Duncan had been living at the school for “three semesters”. Three semesters is approximately the equivalent of 45 weeks.

Why did Quigley not send them a letter during this time? Yes, Jaques said it was dangerous for people to know Quigley was alive, however Quigley was willing to risk sending a telegram to Violet in ‘The Grim Grotto’. Although, at that stage the secret of his existence had become known to Count Olaf and Esmé Squalor, which may have influenced Quigley’s decision to risk sending said telegram. This does not take away from the fact that Quigley still could have sent his siblings a CODED letter revealing his status as alive. Or, a coded newspaper article in ‘The Daily Punctilio’, as he knows of Duncan’s interest in journalism and how it would mean his brother is likely to see it. (‘The Austere Academy’ page 49 “I plan to be a newspaper reporter…figure it’s good to start practicing”-Duncan) (‘The Ersatz Elevator’ pg 143 “I’m still a journalist”-Duncan)

It is endlessly frustrating to me that Quigley waited until his siblings were out of reach (kidnapped) before he went out searching for them. The fact he went investigating in the Mortmain Mountains of all places is also somewhat incriminating. VFD headquarters was located in the Valley of Four Drafts so it is possible that Quigley was telling the truth: he was searching for his siblings and seeking information/help from VFD recruits. It’s possible he began searching after his siblings’ kidnapping to keep them safe, the same reason he didn’t reach out when they were ‘safe’ at Prufrock was because Jaques told him it was dangerous. That would align with what Quigley claims his intentions were: “set out to find the organisation. I thought they were my best hope of rescuing my siblings”. (‘The Slippery Slope’ Chapter 8, page 155)

In ‘The Slippery Slope’ book version Quigley claims he got ready to search for his siblings prior to their kidnapping, “started to gather…supplies” (Chapter 8, page 147) but “was interrupted” by “Jaques Snicket” who Quigley did not know at the time but trusted because Jaques knew a lot about the Quagmire family, the secret passageway and because Jaques was “very well-read.” (The lack of sense in Quigley’s reasons to trust Jaques is very intriguing to me. Factors Quigley deems trustworthy I would see as suspicious and [“well-read”] irrelevant.)

Moreover, Quigley’s blind trust in Jaques portrays him as a sort of naïve character -maybe a manipulated one- as he obeys Jaques by remaining hidden even though Jaques neglected him during their stay at Montgomery Montgomery’s house, prioritising VFD work over the newly-orphaned, isolated child.

“Jaques spent a long time at Dr. Montgomery’s house, but he was too busy”… “to explain everything to me”… “He would”… “sleep all day, or disappear for hours at a time” -Quigley about Jaques Snicket (‘The Slippery Slope’ Chapter 8, page 152)

Another possibility is that Quigley was not searching for his siblings in the Mortmain Mountains. He was searching for the sugar bowl.

Reasons:

1: Quigley is very likely a VFD recruit, VFD recruits are searching for the sugar bowl.

Reason to believe Quigley is a recruit: when explaining the function of ‘Verdant Flammable Devices’ Quigley says

“so another volunteer will know where you are” (‘The Slippery Slope’ Chapter 7, page 126)(not originally bolded) The word choice “another” implies that Quigley himself is a volunteer.

Another reason: Quigley suggests that Isadora-his triplet- may be a member of VFD already “I wonder if that’s a code she learned from V.F.D.”-Quigley (‘The Slippery Slope’ Chapter 10, page 187)

2: It could be interpreted that Quigley has already been inside of VFD headquarters. If he had been there searching for his siblings why would he lie about never entering the headquarters whilst it still stood?

“I read that there was a large window”… ‘moving his gloved hand in the air as if it were still there’. “When it was your turn to cook you could look out at the waterfall while you were chopping vegetables or simmering sauce” -Quigley Quagmire (‘The Slippery Slope’ Chapter 7, page 136)

^The hand gesture in particular suggests Quigley’s familiarity with the building as it conveys how he knew the precise spot where the window was situated. Even possessing the information‘through reading’ that you could “look out at the waterfall while cooking” he should have needed time to work out where the kitchen worktop would be positioned to figure where the window would be. The specific actions “chopping vegetables” and “simmering sauce” especially hint towards this being something Quigley tells from personal experience rather than reading. Unless it was a diary or an encoded message why would somebody write in such detail about a secret headquarters? Unless Montgomery Montgomery kept a diary which Quigley found whilst staying in his house?

^Additionally, volunteers “chopping vegetables” has extra relevance. Quigley is a TRAVELLER at this point, he should only have food on him that is long-lasting, otherwise is SURELY would have gone mouldy… so where does he get the carrot sticks he offers Violet on the frozen waterfall? (See Chapter 10, page 188 of ‘The Slippery Slope’.)

Carrot sticks=A chopped vegetable. What did volunteers do in the VFD headquarters’ kitchen? Chopped vegetables!

3: Quigley has written about the sugar bowl in his notebook,

“Jaques Snicket mentioned a sugar bowl once” … “said it was very important to find it” …”I wrote it down on…a page in my commonplace book” (‘The Slippery Slope’ Chapter 11, page 219)

4:The sugar bowl is located in the Mortmain Mountains whilst Quigley is there.

Asides from the endless theories surrounding Quigley’s actions, I find his characterisation interesting. Likeable too, if you couldn’t tell that already by the sheer amount I’ve written about him…

He’s so isolated and very much in denial about that.

“Not quite by myself”… “I had this backpack” … “and I had my commonplace book”-Quigley (‘The Slippery Slope’ Chapter 8, page 155) This is just SAD.

“I wish Isadora were here”-Quigley (‘The Slippery Slope’ Chapter 11, page 217)

He’s so LONELY! Everyone thinks he’s DEAD! His siblings are kidnapped; Quigley has no way of knowing that they’re even still alive! His mother left him in that secret tunnel then the first adult he saw (and became attached to-) after her kept leaving him continuously without even SAYING he was going anywhere! (Implied by word choice “disappear” describing Jaques’ actions) Only for Jaques to leave and never come back! Then-and this gets OVERLOOKED- the snow scouts he spent time with when disguised as one, were KIDNAPPED! They were literally swooped up and taken away right before his eyes!!! After THAT he gets SEPARATED from the only friends he still has!!!! Somebody give this child a hug!!!!!!!!!!!

The isolation he’s in has caused Quigley to become INDEPENDENT and capable, unable to rely on others he can only help himself.

“We found it in a coded map”-Klaus Baudelaire

“I had to draw my own map.”-Quigley Quagmire (‘The Slippery Slope’ Chapter 7, page 126)

Despite not having any of the advantages of childhood (receiving help) he is still vulnerable to the drawbacks: “Bruce saw my matches and confiscated them, because children shouldn’t play with matches”-Quigley (‘The Slippery Slope’ Chapter 9, page 163)

He’s selfless too, to an extent, when he helps the Baudelaires save Sunny even though it risks his safety and well-kept secret of being alive

“You don’t have to risk your life any further”-Violet

“Don’t be absurd” “Of course I’m going to help you” -Quigley (‘The Slippery Slope’ Chapter 9, page 182)

Although, the fact he risks his identity being leaked to help the Baudelaires circles back to the question of why he let his siblings believe he was dead.

Point out of his favour: Quigley helps to convince Violet to leave her baby sister to spy on villains, “Sunny can find out for us, but only if she stays here.” (Chapter 10, page 202) but everyone has flaws. We don’t need to criticise Quigley for this, right? If anything it depicts how brainwashed he is.

He’s naïve:

“I never thought of learning about maps as training,” Quigley said. “I just liked it.” -(‘The Slippery Slope’ Chapter 11, page 213) [Referring to his home-life pre-fire]

^The fact Quigley keeps placing trust in adults with hidden intentions is heartbreaking.

He’s MORALLY GREY in the books especially!!! He has the idea to hold Esmé Squalor hostage:

‘ “We could take her prisoner,” Quigley said’ … “thinks cigarettes are in. If we lit some of them, she might smell the smoke and come down here.” (‘The Slippery Slope’ Chapter 11, page 221) The fact that he’s willing to do bad things to protect the people he cares about contributes to why he’s one of my favourite characters.

Although he helps the Baudelaires, Quigley did not reveal his identity to them until there were no other options of people he could turn to. He kept his mask on when they were working on the lock but thought nothing of revealing VFD secrets,

“very centre of the Valley of Four Drafts, so the smoke is scattered… V.F.D doesn’t want anyone to see the smoke.”-Quigley(‘The Slippery Slope’ Chapter 7, page 125)

meaning he was intentionally keeping his identity secret from them until they finished helping him with the lock. He was using them, if only for a small thing, redeeming himself when he helps them later.

In conclusion, Quigley is the most fascinating ASOUE character because his actions and words compose of half-truths and veiled intentions, leaving him open to interpretation. He is not straightforward. I see him as a character who doesn’t always do what he thinks is good but will try to display himself as having good intentions, even if that means lying. Quigley leaves behind more questions than answers and is therefore the most intriguing character.

Thanks for the ask! (+thanks for the compliment! I’m happy you enjoyed my post!) :)

This may be…a little longer than you anticipated… it is far lengthier than I thought it would turn out anyway! Whoops?

Please, feel free to send more asks! :)

#asoue #thanksfortheask:)#a series of unfortunate events #quagmire triplets #quigley quagmire #asoue theories #Quigley quagmire theory #flawed character supremacy

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belphegor1982 · 19 days

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HEY WAITAMINUTE IS "underture" a reference to the music term "overture"? Mayhaps a Scanlan WIP?!?!

srryok bai now

Yup, kind of! It's the first CR I got an idea for - in March last year, for TLOVM, as I hadn't even watched most of the first campaign yet - and, incidentally, the only one out of five fics (/comics, if you count Scar Tissue) and 2 WIPs that doesn't begin with the letter S :P (not even on purpose, it just happened!)

Okay, so this fic exists because of three reasons:

• "Underture" is a title on the Who's concept album Tommy (and yes, a play on "overture"!) because the titular lad is Going Through It (and being made to taste drugs iirc). I discovered that album around 2002 and love the word.

• One of my favourite fics overall (like, all fandoms) is @plothooksinc's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) "Underdark", which has Leo and Mikey fall under the city in complete darkness and try to make their way back to their brothers (and the surface), with Mikey as the 1st person narrator. It is hilarious and super tense and glorious and one of the great classics in the entire franchise's fandom, imo (or should be). Since I read it in the mid-to-late 2000s I had no idea that "Underdark" was actually a D&D term and was gobsmacked when I learned! The more you know :D

• And the main reason this WIP exists is because I essentially went "wait, what if "Underdark", but make it Vax and Scanlan". Of course, now it took a life of its own and there's going to be a Structure to it (start in media res, and then alternate "how we got there" chapters and "so what's happening in the creepy dark in the present" chapters). With a healthy dose of getting to know each other and going from essentially work colleagues to friends 💜

Here's a little excerpt from page 2, so literally the start of the fic (for context, Vax got washed down a mine and wakes up alone in a tunnel):

And, somewhere in the distance, a familiar voice.

“…help?”

Vax scrambled up, finding purchase on the slippery rock wall nearby, chasing sound rather than sight. The world in front of him was little more than blobs in varying shades of black. His ears were more reliable than his eyes right now.

“Where are you?” he called. “Are you okay?”

“Define ‘okay’?”

Vax bit back a tart comment. Damn Scanlan and his utter and complete inability to be serious.

“Like, not hurt? Can you move? What’s your position?”

“Not… great.”

“What do you mean?” Vax asked sharply, still half-feeling his way along the wall. Scanlan’s voice was getting clearer, or at least closer; it also sounded breathless, strained, small in a way it rarely did. Vax could only hope most of that could be chalked up to the sore throat he’d been complaining about for the last couple of days.

There was a scrabble and a gasp. When Scanlan spoke again his pitch had climbed a few notes.

“I mean I’m kinda hanging off a cliff? Or some kind of ledge, anyway. And uh, my fingers are getting real tired, if you know what I mean.” A short, nervous laugh. “I really really don’t want to lose fingernails. It hurts like a mother and it makes playing the lute really difficult.”

“Hang on and keep talking,” said Vax, straining his ears and trying to ignore his pounding heart. “I’m on my way.”

“Okay. Usually, not really a problem, but uh… Aw, crap.” There was a strangled sound, like he’d choked up on a cough, and some more scratching. “You know me, I talk – I talk real good. B—big fan of talking. I’m a great talker, too. Talker, singer, player – give me any instrument and it is on, baby. I mean I’ve never tried the double bass, you know, those big-ass cellos. Got curious but the bow alone is almost bigger than me, so that sucks. Plus they’re really expensive. Vax?”

“Yes?”

“Hurry?”

Vax practically ran around a corner and stared into the dark as hard as he could. The tunnel in front of him kept going in a downward slope, the ceiling gradually getting lower; there was a pathway of sorts along the wall, but most of the rocky ground seemed to disappear, as though erased from existence, into the starkest black Vax had ever seen. Rivulets of water trickled into it from the walls and the ground, slithering between protruding rocks, the only movement he could discern.

Wait… Not quite the only movement.

Vax bolted towards the fingers he could see grasping at a small rocky ridge a foot or so below the edge.

“Shitshitshitshit,” he could hear Scanlan chanting, his breathing now frantic and his voice gone beyond squeaky. “Vax…!”

Three things happened almost instantaneously:

Vax reached down and grabbed one of Scanlan’s arms just as his fingers lost their grip on the ledge.

In a last-ditch attempt to find a hold of something, Scanlan’s other hand shot up and closed around the clasp of Vax’s cloak.

Vax belatedly realised he’d miscalculated as Scanlan’s weight and his own momentum carried him past the edge and into the black.

(welp, they're dead :P no they're not but they certainly think so for a hot second)

#sometimes I write #critical role #vox machina #vax'ildan #scanlan shorthalt

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duck-in-a-thrift-store · 2 months

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Getting on my soapbox for a moment, topic being, uhhhh... religious influence on education and bodily autonomy? Smthn like that idk

(This ended up being really long, so, more below the cut)

My parents put my little sister in homeschool as soon as I graduated, which like, i WoNdEr WhY (it's me hi I'm the problem it's me)

And the program/co-op thing she's involved in is christian-based bc my folks are unfortunately conservative christians who think it's a good idea to bias their child's entire understanding of the world through their religious beliefs

So my sis was telling me about her health textbook the other day, and how it was kinda weird? Like, they have a unit on I guess dating and sex type stuff, but this textbook has some interesting opinions

Such as, suggesting kids (not like little kids we're talking about high schoolers here) avoid hugging their partner because it supposedly might turn them on??

And, ok, to be honest I have absolutely no idea how realistic that is, it sounds pretty silly to me, but like even if that totally is a thing that happens to people... who cares, right?

But no, obviously that would be just disastrous because we can't have anyone tempted to do something totally crazy like having sex before marriage, god forbid

And there's just that sort of "no touching" purity culture bullshit and it really pisses me off, especially as someone who was also raised in that mentality, and I was just lowkey flabbergasted by the ridiculousness and audacity of a health textbook to tell kids not to hug someone they're dating bc it might lead to premarital sex, and I basically said as much, smthn along the lines of "imagine sexualizing hugs" to my dad, trying to get him on my side I guess, but that isn't how it went

Let me preface this with: I love my dad. I do. And he has really been making progress in terms of letting me be me and still supporting me even though our views don't always align. But my dad can also be petty, and he's a very touchy-feely person and I'm very much not, at least with most people including him. We have a little bit of history of him trying to hug me, me rejecting it, and him getting butt-hurt over it. So there's your rant-relevant context I guess

So when I half-jokingly say "imagine sexualizing hugs," he shoots back with "imagine being uncomfortable with hugs" in like, a targeted mocking way, like that in any way makes sense to use as an insult toward your own child or anyone for that matter

I didn't have the presence of mind or energy to really unpack that in the moment so I kinda just went "bruh did you really just-" made some joke like "well gee sorry for being autistic" (which yeah that's part of it too) and dropped the conversation

But like.... does he really not see the irony?

One of the major reasons I'm not comfortable with hugs and touch in general is literally BECAUSE of how it's been sexualized, like, that's kinda the whole point?

Of course I'm not going to want to hug you, my father, when there are voices in my upbringing suggesting that touching people is sexual, duh

Like it's literally so obvious to me how the two lines of thought are inextricably linked and how this sort of ideology can fuck someone up because, hello, living proof right here dude, so let's maybe NOT teach the same shit to your younger child?

Yeah you're right I'm not comfortable with hugs and that's kinda sad but I'm trying to get you to see that part of why that is is because of the same idiocy you're letting someone preach to your daughter, so if you don't want us both to be like me,,, maybe don't do that

To the kids and anyone else who needs to hear it, when how and why you touch another person should be up to you and that person and no one else. If you want to hug someone and they vibe with that then hug them, please don't let some bible-thumping freaks tell you it's a slippery slope to sin or whatever. Your body is your own and you make the decisions about what to do with it. That is one of your most basic, most fundamental, most bar-on-the-floor rights as a human being. Anyone who tries to guilt you about something like this is trying to control you and you should be wary of them

Me personally, I just find it interesting how society is so set on calling drag queens and queer people groomers when there are literally religious teachers out here manipulating children into not having bodily autonomy

What's up with that?

#duck rants #hug discourse i guess?#hugs are both sacred and repulsive to me so yeah i was gonna rant about this #obviously #religious trauma #bodily autonomy #sexualization #stop sexualizing touch #education #health education #family issues #this is health class not sunday school #get your puritanism out of the damn textbook #so help me god #(yes i see the irony)#purity culture #fuck purity culture

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