#my suffering is entirely self inflicted

[draakart]

Actively resenting the fact that I have to research armies and militaries for one of my projects

[alexanaraxadel]

if this adulting thing gets any harder i am going to start seriously oversharing on the internet. i fully will. don't even test me. (@ my brain yes this is a threat. get it together, or else!)

[steevejr]

i have spent so long reading margo pt1 that i forgort about som in pt2. my little boy som?????? does anyone care about SOM??????? me. i care. cant wait for him to grow up so he can start suffering like the rest of us.

[cuppatealove]

Scouring eight seasons of a show to try and find any scant evidence of one character's one mannerism that I'm trying to pin down and really starting to wonder how my life got here frankly

[amourdivine]

𝐖𝐇𝐎'𝐒 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐒𝐇𝐀𝐃𝐎𝐖 𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅? ઉ   PICK A CARD

Hello lovelies, I hope you're having a wonderful week! This is perhaps the first heavily shadow work focused PAC I bring to you. I'm quite nervous to post this, since I know delivering these messages can be difficult and I don't like taking a harsh, judgmental approach. I hope this reading resonates. As always, feedback is highly appreciated! If you liked this reading, please consider tipping me at @ amourdivinetarot@gmail.com! xo ♡

paid readings are closed as of february 2024

none of the images are mine unless stated otherwise!

pick a card masterlist & information

how to choose your pile.  take a few deep breaths for and look at each and of the piles separately. see which one brings you to a feeling, a place or a memory. take your time and feel free to come back to it later!

amourdivine. 2021 - 2024 © do not copy, redistribute or edit my content.

୨୧ PILE ONE

who is your shadow self? eight of swords • knight of cups • nine of wands • queen of wands

Your shadow self is the fearful side of you attached to anxiety. The side of you that does not believe you can save yourself from bad situations and feels endlessly hopeless, helpless and trapped. It causes a self-fulfilling prophecy, one where you think you'll inevitably fail, so you self-sabotage (either consciously or not) and end up "proving" yourself right.

However, as helpless as your shadow feels, it never asks for help. It's trapped in a spiral of shame and self-doubt, even self-hatred. All of this happens mentally for most of you, to the point where your body is neglected or stuck in flight / freeze mode. I feel stuck in the gutter, unable to move in the sticky mud. Despite your best efforts to succeed, you may suffer from impostor's syndrome as well, an inability to see your worth, your beauty and your own light. It's almost as if you're scared of your own power, pile one. Very painful, very self-inflicted and something which you may have learn from childhood, maybe you got bullied a lot or were heavily criticized by the people around you. If that happened, I'm so sorry pile one. You deserved so much better. You still do.

how can you work with your shadow self? nine of cups • the sun • queen of swords • queen of wands

You know, when I was entering college, I had a counselor whose words were life changing to me. One day, he picked up a cup full of coffee and asked me: how do you get rid of the coffee, without throwing it out entirely? And I was puzzled. It wasn't possible. Him, in his neverending patience, took me to the water station and started pouring water onto it, until the coffee was cleared away and all that remained was clean, crystal liquid.

Maybe the bad things that happened still haunt you, but they can be drawn out by the good ones. Seek for the light, pile one. Seek the nurturing experiences, the days when you allow yourself to just be, seek the help, the love and stay open to the love. Stay open to the idea that yes, you are worthy, even if you do not feel like it, even if so many people have made you feel otherwise.

These wounds may not fade entirely with time, but you are more than them, always. Always. I know it's never easy to challenge what we've been taught about ourselves, but in order to unlearn all of that, you will have to learn the new things, the true things about you. If they said you were lazy - was that really true? Or were you just tired? You're not "naive", you're pure. You're not "too sensitive", you're in tune with your emotions.

The stories we tell ourselves hold power. What stories are you telling about yourself? Maybe it's time to switch to a new point of view, one where you can rewrite yourself as the person you were never allowed to be.

୨୧ PILE TWO

who is your shadow self? judgement • five of swords • ten of cups • king of wands

Your shadow self is the side of you that thrives in chaos - listen, that's not entirely a bad thing, after all, our shadow reflects something which we need to acknowledge, nurture and work with. However, when you perceive danger or feel threatened, you may turn to harsh words or hurtful actions to avenge yourself.

It can manifest in the form of extreme competitive behavior, the inability to rest, overworking, even maybe envy, jealousy and arrogance sometimes. Now, I'm not here to judge or shame you, you're safe here. I think you have and still feel the need to prove yourself to others, to prove them all wrong. Maybe other people told you that you couldn't do it - and you took it all personally, so personally that it crumbles your self-esteem when someone diminishes your efforts or accomplishments.

Your shadow side craves attention, praise and approval. You want to succeed, to be someone you're proud of, to just never feel insecure, diminished or ignored again. You can also turn possessive with loved ones, wondering if they really love you or if they are lying. There's a lot of skepticism here, too.

how can you work with your shadow self? judgement • ace of pentacles • three of pentacles • eight of swords

Acknowledge your feelings and these insecurities. "Fake it 'till you make it" doesn't always work. Being vulnerable is, ironically, also being strong. Understanding your limitations and allowing for other people to collaborate with you (and vice-versa) will take you even further in life.

Your sense of justice is commendable. Make sure you're using it for justice indeed, and not just vengeance. Your ambition can walk hand in hand with your desire to do good, to make space for everyone else to shine, to open up to others, let them see all of you. No one can love perfection - even if they could, what's there to love about something or someone so perfect that they barely feel human?

It's okay to be scared, to feel insecure, to not shove difficult emotions under the rug. We cannot be at our 100% all the time. And we cannot please everyone, all the time. What you can do is praise yourself, let others praise you when they do and accept it gracefully, making sure you're spreading your warmth and wisdom to others as well. See, I think you have overcome a lot and a lot of people could use your help, either in the form of advice, resources or a shoulder to lean on.

You have leadership potential, pile two. Don't limit yourself by being alone. We were never meant to make it on our own.

୨୧ PILE THREE

who is your shadow self? ace of wands • page of swords • three of cups • king of pentacles

Your shadow self is someone who may indulge in harmful habits out of a need for instant gratification, maybe reckless spending, speed driving, partying everyday or simply not saving up resources and caring about the future. Your shadow self is someone who hates boredom, who craves excitement and cannot fully deal with long-term commitment in its many forms. It wants novelty, adventure and it comes at the cost of your responsibilities, your routine and your friendships even.

This shadow self hates suffering (fair enough, who doesn't?!) and will to go great lengths to avoid it... but ironically, it causes you more pain in the long run by avoiding the unavoidable. By never crying, never addressing your issues or your difficult moments, you end up running right back into yourself and these same issues return.

This side of you doesn't want to grow up - you don't want to fall into the trap of routine and a boring, 9-5 job. But excessive habits are difficult to maintain, no matter how good it feels in the short term. There's a difficult, troubled perception of adulthood and life itself. A need for constant adventure and chaos, a feeling of entrapment whenever you are with anyone who loves you, because you fear being controlled, tamed and used.

how can you work with your shadow self? the tower • nine of wands • nine of cups • three of pentacles

To put it simply, let yourself hurt. Let the foundations of your heart crumble, stop to feel just for a second. You don't have to be on the run all the time. What are you running from, pile three? Disaster, pain and hurt are often inevitable, but they do not have to be the be-all, end-all of our lives. The Tower is a reminder that all that crumbles was meant to crumble eventually, and there is beauty in letting things end naturally, allowing the flow of life to do its thing.

That means aging, growing, learning from the seasons. I think you have a very, very deep heart and mind you're scared to tap into. You're scared to be trapped in the endless hustle, to never feel alive or good once you "settle". But who says the big joys are the only ones that matter? As someone said once, big joys and small joys are often the same. Sometimes, waking up in itself can be an adventure. Don't overlook or underestimate the ways life tries to find you, to cling to you - remember to embark on the hard journeys, knowing you'll have gotten something valuable in the end.

You're brave and rebellious. You can be a catalyst for change in so many ways. Who said adulthood has to be boring? Who said you have to work a 9-5? Do you have to get married? Maybe being a stay-at-home parent isn't for you. That's okay.

Challenging the status quo may not be easy, but you have a natural inclination for it. Your shadow self can dive deeper. It's one of your greatest tools. Your need for joy and fun is not shameful - you can use it for healing, instead of self-destruction.

୨୧ PILE FOUR

who is your shadow self? judgment rx • justice • the high priestess rx • knight of swords

Your shadow self is the side of you that refuses to acknowledge your needs, your wants and desires. It makes you live inside of a bubble, scared of the truth, even if it will set you free. I had the hardest time shuffling for this pile, I kept trying and trying but nothing made sense. I think this is how your shadow side manifests as well, in the lack of clarity, the fogginess that permeates the choices you've regretted.

It's both reckless and frozen, completely lost in a maze, confused, looking for a path, for directions, for anything. It's almost as if you lost your compass, nothing eventually guides you and you remain looking for the directions only you have.

It's too scared to admit what it wants, who you are. Both out of fear of what other people will say, but also out of fear that it'll all go wrong. It's the side of you that remains disconnected from yourself, hidden because it keeps highlighting the aspects you keep trying to ignore, to not know. It can manifest in a lot of ways, either through people-pleasing or being completely reckless. Through lying, denial or even isolation from the world, from life itself.

Something funny is that a song by Bad Suns that just started playing really relates to this pile. "Cinderella slips into a dream like a curse / you could mistake it for heaven at first." This shadow self may live in projection, daydreaming or simply keep you out of touch with everything.

how can you work with your shadow self? six of pentacles • page of wands • two of wands • king of cups

Engagement and socializing are big ways you can work with your shadow self. Being actively curious about the world, about people. Approaching relationships, truths and life itself with genuine interest, no judgement or shaming thoughts involved.

Telling yourself you're an eternal student of this world, because we are and remembering you don't have to know everything. Start scared. Most things, you'll have to do it scared. Unprepared. In the thick of it all, you'll find the answers you need, but only if you are willing to dive deep for them. No taking shortcuts, making assumptions or allowing self-doubt to paralyze your living, because you need to witness life as it is.

Therapy is one big thing, music as well. Anything that connects you to your deepest self, relationships that genuinely make room for who you are, good friends that feel safe and non-judgemental. Your heart has been calling you for so long, pile four. It's about time you listen to it. It knows everything you need to know.

disclaimer. tarot not a substitute for medical and professional advice, nor is it meant to be taken as such. i do not take responsibility for any choice(s) made by you or others regarding my readings. please remember you are responsible for life and in power of it, no one else! ♡

amourdivine. 2021 - 2024 © do not copy, redistribute or edit my content.

[opencommunion]

When I refer to zionists as textbook genocide denialists, btw, I'm talking about literal textbooks I was assigned in my genocide studies classes. Here's an excerpt from one, Genocide: A Comprehensive Introduction by Adam Jones, detailing common genocide denialist arguments. I've bolded arguments that I've personally heard from zionists (including ‘neutral’ fence-sitters, who are on the side of the oppressor by default) — during the current Gaza genocide, but also in reference to the entire history of the genocidal zionist occupation. It's important to learn to recognize these arguments and call them what they are, genocide denial, rather than excusing denialists as simply misinformed or misguided.

"Among the most common discourses of genocide denial are the following: 'Hardly anybody died.' Reports of atrocities and mass killings are depicted as exaggerated and self-serving. ... Photographic and video evidence is dismissed as fake or staged. Gaps in physical evidence are exploited, particularly an absence of corpses. Where are the bodies of the Jews killed by the Nazis? (Incinerated, conveniently for the deniers.) Where are the bodies of the thousands of Kosovars supposedly killed by Serbs in 1999? (Buried on military and police bases, or dumped in rivers and down mineshafts, as it transpired.) When the genocides lie far in the past, obfuscation is easier. Genocides of indigenous peoples are especially subject to this form of denial. In many cases, the groups in question suffered near-total extermination, leaving few descendants and advocates to press the case for truth. 'It was self-defense.' 'The onset of [genocidal] killing,' wrote Jacques Sémelin, 'almost always seems to involve this astounding sleight of hand that assimilates the destruction of civilians with a perfectly legitimate act of war. From that moment on, massacre becomes an act of self-defense.' Murdered civilians - especially adult males – are depicted as 'rebels,' 'brigands,' 'partisans,' 'terrorists.' The state and its allies are justified in eliminating them, though unfortunate 'excesses' may occur. Deniers of the Armenian genocide, for example, play up the presence of armed elements and resistance among the Armenian population – even clearly defensive resistance. ... Genocide may also be depicted as an act of pre-emptive self-defense, based on atrocities, actual or alleged, inflicted on the perpetrator group in the past – sometimes the very distant past. Sémelin, for example, has explained Serbs’ 'insensitivit[y] to the suffering they caused' in the Balkan genocide of the 1990s in terms of their inability to perceive any but 'their own woes' ... A substrategy of this discourse is the claim that 'the violence was mutual.' Where genocides occur in a context of civil or international war, they can be depicted as part of generalized warfare, perhaps featuring atrocities on all sides. This strategy is standard among the deniers of genocides by Turks, Japanese, Serbs, Hutus, and West Pakistanis – to name just a few. In Australia, Keith Windschuttle used killings of whites by Aboriginals to denounce 'The Myths of Frontier Massacres in Australian History.' ... Sometimes the deniers seem oblivious to the content of their claims, reflecting deeply embedded stereotypes and genuine ignorance, rather than malicious intent – as with the CNN reporter who blithely referred to the world standing by and 'watch[ing] Hutus and Tutsis kill each other' during the Rwandan genocide of 1994.

'The deaths weren’t intentional.' The difficulties of demonstrating and documenting genocidal intent are exploited to deny that genocide occurred. The utility of this strategy is enhanced where a longer causal chain underpins mass mortality. Thus, when diverse factors combine to cause death, or when supposedly 'natural' elements such as disease and famine account for many or most deaths, a denialist discourse is especially appealing. It buttresses most denials of indigenous genocides, for example. Deniers of the Armenian and Jewish holocausts also contend that most deaths occurred from privations and afflictions that were inevitable, if regrettable, in a wartime context – in any case, not genocidal.

'There was no central direction.' Frequently, states and their agents establish deniability by running off-duty death squads, or employing freelance forces such as paramilitaries (as in Bosnia-Herzegovina and Darfur), criminal elements (e.g., the chétés in the Armenian genocide), and members of the targeted groups themselves (Jewish kapos in the Nazi death camps; Mayan peasants conscripted for genocide against Mayan populations of the Guatemalan highlands). State attempts to eliminate evidence may mean that documentation of central direction, as of genocidal intent, is scarce. Many deniers of the Jewish Holocaust emphasize the lack of a clear order from Hitler or his top associates to exterminate European Jews. Armenian genocide denial similarly centers on the supposed freelance status of those who carried out whatever atrocities are admitted to have occurred.

'There weren’t that many people to begin with.' [*] Where demographic data provide support for claims of genocide, denialists will gravitate towards the lowest available figures for the targeted population, or invent new ones. The effect is to cast doubt on mortality statistics by downplaying the victims’ demographic weight at the outbreak of genocide. This strategy is especially common in denials of genocide against indigenous peoples, as well as the Ottoman genocide of Christian minorities.

'It wasn’t/isn’t genocide, because ...' Here, the ambiguities of the UN Genocide Convention are exploited, and combined with the denial strategies already cited. Atrocious events do not qualify as 'genocide' … because the victims were not members of one of the Convention’s specified groups; because their deaths were unintended; because they were legitimate targets; because 'only' specific sectors of the target group (e.g., 'battle-age' men) were killed; because 'war is hell;' and so on. 'We would never do that.' Collective pathological narcissism occludes recognition, or even conscious consideration, of genocidal culpability. When the state and its citizens consider themselves pure, peaceful, democratic, and lawabiding, responsibility for atrocity may be literally unthinkable. In Turkey, notes Taner Akçam, anyone 'dar[ing] to speak about the Armenian Genocide ... is aggressively attacked as a traitor, singled out for public condemnation and may even be put in prison.' In Australia, 'the very mention of an Australian genocide is … appalling and galling and must be put aside,' according to Colin Tatz. 'A curious national belief is that simply being Australian, whether by birth or naturalisation, is sufficient inoculation against deviation from moral and righteous behaviour.' Comedian Rob Corddry parodied this mindset in the context of US abuses and atrocities at Abu Ghraib prison near Baghdad. 'There’s no question what took place in that prison was horrible,' Corddry said on The Daily Show. 'But the Arab world has to realize that the US shouldn’t be judged on the actions of a ... well, we shouldn’t be judged on actions. It’s our principles that matter, our inspiring, abstract notions. Remember: just because torturing prisoners is something we did, doesn’t mean it’s something we would do.'

'We are the real victims.' For deniers, the best defense is often a strong offense. With its 'Day of Fallen Diplomats,' Turkey uses Armenian terrorist attacks against Turkish diplomatic staff to pre-empt attention to the Turkish genocide against Armenians. In the case of Germany and the Nazi Holocaust, there is a point at which a victim mentality concentrating on German suffering leads to the horrors that Germans inflicted, on Jews and others, being downgraded or denied. In the Balkans, a discourse of genocide was first deployed by Serb intellectuals promoting a nationalist–xenophobic project; the only 'genocide' admitted was that against Serbs, whether by Croatians in the Second World War (which indeed occurred), or in Kosovo at the hands of the Albanian majority (which was a paranoid fantasy). Notably, this stress on victimhood provided powerful fuel for unleashing the genocides in the first place." * Zionists make two demographic claims to deny genocide, and specifically to deny the Nakba: the first parallels what Jones says here — that there weren't many (or even any) Palestinians ("Arabs") in Palestine to begin with, and/or mass expulsions were actually voluntary migration. The second is a reversal, where zionists point to demographic data and claim that Palestinian population growth must mean genocide never occurred (as if genocide survivors aren't capable of having children). For further reading on Nakba denial specifically, Nur Masalha's work is a good place to start, especially The Palestine Nakba (2012), Politics of Denial (2003), A Land Without A People (1997), and Expulsion of the Palestinians (1992).

[blueskittlesart]

what do you think his thoughts were at that moment?

this is an insane question and i am going rabid trying to answer it. for context this is about my. link dead on the fucking floor compilation. i. e. "what do you think went through link's mind as he all but DIED in precalamity botw."

i've thought about this before because. well obviously i have. look at how many times i've drawn it. i think context matters more than anything when examining that moment, because it's essentially the culmination of link's entire life up to that point in the worst way possible. you have a kid who has been raised to either win or die. those are his only two options. he's known this for basically as long as he can remember. either he defeats the calamity like he's supposed to and lives the rest of his life as an untouchable gold standard of soldier, as proof that all that pressure and pain he suffered worked, or he dies and dooms everyone he has ever loved to suffer horribly for the rest of their likely very short lives. And i do think he thought about this extensively, because how could you NOT, and i think that he probably believed that death was the most likely outcome. He was raised by a soldier, around soldiers, to be a soldier. soldiers are practical. soldiers strategize for the most likely scenario. they're not pessimistic, but they know how to look at a situation objectively and make a judgement call. Looking at link's situation objectively, it would have been obvious that he couldn't win. he was one kid, a 16-year-old boy, with maybe some above-average swordsmanship skills, but too many variables were missing. he couldn't hear the sword's voice. zelda's power wouldn't manifest. Hylia, who should have been there guiding them through this prophecy that SHE had supposedly inflicted on them, was completely silent. the divine beasts may have given him some hope, initially, but it was clear below the optimistic facade that hyrule was toying with very dangerous forces they didn't truly understand. I think he very likely went into that confrontation with the calamity anticipating death.

what's most interesting to me about the scene of link's death isn't that he fell, but WHERE he fell. because he didn't die in the sanctum, at the scene of the calamity's birth, as one might have expected. he died in an empty field along the road to a fortress that might have been able to protect him. Link, the bearer of the triforce of courage, the boy raised to die a martyr at the hands of the calamity, who had all but accepted his fate before the monster even showed its face, chose to run for safety, what some might call the coward's approach, instead of dying where he stood at ganon's hand. and it seems almost out of character at first, when you think about the person he was when he first met zelda, the person who would do anything in his power to show no weakness, to take the pain and the stress without flinching or faltering. the boy who so completely embodied that idea of "courage." but i think that zelda was the piece that changed him. If it had just been him at that final confrontation, maybe he wouldn't have run. maybe he would have been content to take his final stand and accept the death he'd been promised. but zelda insisted on being there, too. "there must be something i can do to help." and while link was a soldier, more than willing to engage in self-sacrifice, he was also a knight, sworn to protect this girl, and so he couldn't in good conscience sacrifice HER, too. so he ran. he tried to live, at a moment when he should have expected to die. and i think that was infinitely more courageous of him. to go against everything you have ever known and expected is infinitely scarier than accepting the outcome you've always anticipated. Running for his life (and for zelda's) was running into the unknown. escaping death in that way was defying everything he'd built himself up to be, everything everyone expected of him. Who is link if not the hero who faced the calamity with courage? what would he have to be if he could not be what was expected of him? in that moment, he made the choice to step into the unprophesized timeline, into a world where his actions were no longer defined by some great all-seeing power. and that was the most courageous move he could have made in that moment. he must have been terrified.

so what was going through his mind as he made his last stand? Honestly, i think the only thing on his mind was zelda. I don't think he cared about himself, his physical condition, any of it. I think he made the choice to run because of zelda and so he made the choice to take his final stand where he did because of her, too. just before zelda's power manifests, we see him try to continue fighting even inches from death, so gravely injured that he's unsteady on his feet, using his sword to keep himself standing. i think he must have known that he was in no condition to fight anymore, but he expected death to come for him at one point or another. what mattered was that she might live as long as he kept going. that's why he ran in the first place. not for himself, but because zelda was there and zelda didn't deserve to die like this. Even once zelda's power manifests, link only gives up and allows himself to fall once a beat or two has past--once he's sure that there really is no more danger. that she'll be okay, that she can make it past the fort and into relative safety even if he lets go here. He collapses then, and only then, after running miles through fields and woods, already gravely wounded, because in that moment he sees that the danger has past. a soldier's work is only done when there is nothing left to fight. a knight's work is only done when his princess is truly safe.

maybe he was relieved that he'd managed to hold on as long as he had. that he'd been able to find her some form of safety, in one way or another. maybe he worried about what manner of things would come for her once he was gone. maybe he wondered why she wouldn't just leave him and run for the fort. i'm sure there was a flash of regret in the back of his mind, for the family and friends he'd leave behind, for the people he'd let down, for the calamity he wasn't able to defeat. but this was the outcome he'd expected, even if it had come in a slightly different form. Even if now there was a girl hovering above him begging him to open his eyes.

[celluloidbroomcloset]

Narratively, Izzy’s arc only ends two ways - his redemption and death, or his full immersion as a villain. This is going off from what is discussed in this post by @areyoudoingthis, but I didn't want to start writing essays on someone else's post.

The problem of redeeming antagonists is that it’s often in the eleventh hour, and often not emotionally satisfying because it ignores or discards the violence (emotional, psychological, or physical) done by them earlier in order to give them a saving grace.

In the case of OFMD, Izzy suffers, and he suffers as a direct result of the choices he made and the consistent violence he inflicted on Ed and on others. He becomes beloved by the Kraken crew because they see him suffering along with them, and using what little influence he has to try to stop Ed from descending further. But that doesn’t erase what Izzy has done, which is born out by the attitudes of Stede’s crew and Izzy's continued isolation from them until the unicorn and even after.

Does Izzy bear the brunt of Ed’s direct physical violence? Yeah, he does. He's the only one that Ed physically harms (and the cutting off of toes and limbs seems to be a leaveover from Hornigold, as Ed performs the role of the monstrous father who tortured him). That suffering is part of the redemption narrative. It is one of the narrative conceits for Izzy to atone for his sins.

(Please note - I am talking about narrative conventions and how the show is using them, not making a moral judgment on characters' actions.)

Again, narratively, Izzy being the target makes sense. He has systematically tried to deny or eliminate every spark of happiness in Ed’s life. He has tried to have Stede killed multiple times, all of them either by Ed or in front of Ed. He has allied with a repressive regime, itself the biggest villain in the show, that wants all pirates dead or in chains. Failing all that, he has attacked Ed in the only safe space he has - Stede’s cabin - and told him that if he doesn’t turn into the caricatured monster of Blackbeard, then Izzy will KILL him.

He has zero claim on Ed’s mercy and Ed shows him none, not least because Ed's descent is exactly what Izzy insisted on from the very start. Ed, half mad with grief and self-loathing, directs his hostility at his jailer and at himself.

All of that sets up a redemption arc, but how much does Izzy touch on his own culpability? He tells Stede that Ed "took my leg because I dared to mention your fucking name," which is not true. Izzy blames the toxic atmosphere on the ship not on himself and not even on Ed, but on Stede. It is Ed's feelings about Stede - his namby-pamby, pining for his boyfriend feelings - that Izzy thinks have created this violence. And Ed shoots him for suggesting it. Izzy misses his role entirely, that Ed was in fact in the depths of grief but not a violent suicidal spiral when Stede left him.

It may be that Izzy does indeed recognize his role at this point, but he's not admitting it - the furthest he goes is to say that "we did this to him," but he never fully defines what that means, and in this case he's appealing to Stede to save the crew.

Later, when Stede reappears and Ed recovers, it is quite obvious that Ed himself is still angry and still hurt and still distrusting, but the mere mention of Stede's name or sight of Stede's face doesn't send him into a rage. Stede was the source of his grief, but Stede and Ed's feelings for him did not cause the toxic atmosphere on that ship.

Throughout, Izzy does indeed begin to find redemption. He accepts the crew's offering of love, and he begins to express himself outside of Ed and Blackbeard. He decides to move on from what Ed did to him (and he cannot really control if Ed decides to forgive him for his part). He offers sympathy to Stede, and support for their relationship. His suffering is part of that arc, and it is a function of Ed's arc - Ed cutting off the gangrenous limb to save himself. But we never see Izzy taking on the blame for his earlier behavior. Unlike Ed, we don't see him working through, or trying to work through, the pain he caused others and what that says about himself. Which makes sense - Izzy is a secondary character, not the lead. His healing matters less to the narrative than Ed's, and his characterization from the beginning is not of a man given to introspection or longing for something different. Him suddenly embracing Lucius or being really kind to Stede wouldn't make sense.

The only possible narrative conclusion here is for Izzy to die. He cannot continue to exist in the same space as Ed. His character cannot continue to interfere with Ed's healing and relationship with Stede. The show gives him peace and love, and it gives him an opportunity to tell Ed to let go (though, again, he cannot control Ed letting go, and he cannot and should not be the character who "gives" Ed his family - Ed already had that). It allows him to suffer so that he can indeed have redemption that doesn't happen in the eleventh hour, and an arc that feels moving and satisfying, in which Ed crying for him (Ed, who did not care when Izzy got thrown off the ship in Season 1) has resonance. But it was always going to end like this.

[scekrex]

TW(If you dont want to do it it's completely fine)

Can you do a adam x male reader where the reader is depressed because his life when he was living was shit and he thought it would be better but it still haunts him, and he starts to date adam and a few months into dating Adam saw reader SH and gets all sad but becomes more protective of reader and explains to reader how much he loves him and he bandages reader and they cuddle together(I love your writing BTW, you don't have to do this if you think it's shit)

I absolutely do not think it's shit, I hope I did it justice - as a person who suffers from depression myself this kinda is/was my view on the world. Really hope it's to your liking :3

Burning, I feel it too

pairing: Adam x male!reader

warnings: language, hurt/angst, suicidal thoughts, self harm

note: not beta read bc fuck you I don't have beta readers

With him around, heaven seemed brighter. With him around your past life felt less heavy, the burdens you carried were easier to lift and he seemed to bring a reason to all of existence.

But when Adam wasn’t around for a couple hours, the world turned dark again, like he was purposely taking all the bright colors and the joyful emotions with him when he left. The burdens turned insanely heavy again, unable for you to lift, let alone carry on your shoulders and every reason that caused you to take step after step was gone. Adam knew your life had been a dark pit of hopelessness and tiredness. There had been nothing that held you, what was holding you now? A single person and that person wasn’t even yourself how it should have been. It was Adam.

Heaven, the paradise of afterlife that everybody dreamed of, not you though. You just wanted to rest, not continue to suffer above earth in another world. You wanted peace and quiet, eternal rest. But that had been denied, not only by God, but also by Adam. The first man was worried about you and while others thought of it as cute, you felt like a burden to him by making him worry so much. He cared, that you were aware of, he let you not only hear you about it, no, he also showed you that he cared about you. And that caused the clouds that covered your view to lift temporarily. But once Adam left - even if it was just the room - the clouds came back, painting the worlds in black, white and gray again until he came back.

Extermination days were the worst, not only was your partner gone the entire day, no, he was also at risk of getting injured, maybe even killed. Who was there to promise you that Adam would make it out alive? And what would you do if Adam wouldn’t make it out? If Lute would come back alone, nothing but his halo in her hand that she would hand over to you as proof. Would it hurt? Would it hurt worse than the pain you inflict on yourself?

You flicked the lighter on and for a short moment you watched the flame dance in front of your eyes, then you moved the lighter close to your thigh until the flame licked on your skin, the burn that followed felt save, it felt like coming home after a long trip, it welcomed you with open arms and you were so used to it that you closed your eyes and enjoy the silence the pain brought. That was a thing you had missed so much, the silence in your mind that pain brought with it whenever you invited it to visit you. You had been so lost in the quietness that you hadn’t heard the door to the bedroom slamming open. Your eyes cracked open when the lighter was harshly ripped from your trembling fingers, the usually so calming voice of your boyfriend was now the reason for you to flinch away from his body, “What the fuck are you doing?” He sounded mad and you hated the way anger made his voice sound. Why was Adam back already? Was it already that late, had you lost track of time again? Did it even matter if he was back earlier?

Paralyzed you watched as he pulled you off the bed, you weren’t reacting to his words at all, not because you didn’t want to, but because you found yourself unable to. The brunette pushed you flush against his body, you felt the soft golden feathers that wrapped around your nude body to shield you and just like before, there was silence in your head - not because of any pain, but because of Adam. Adam, who had returned the colors to your world, Adam, who was drowning you with his body warmth. “I don’t want to fucking lose you,” he mumbled against your head as he buried his face in your hair. He spun the both of you around slowly, then he let himself fall backwards onto the soft mattress of your shared bed, pulling you with him. “You can’t fucking leave me too, I- for fucks sake Y/N, you can’t fucking-” he interrupted himself and it was only then that you felt the salty tears that were streaming down his cheeks. “I don’t fucking want you to-” he tried again but failed yet again, a sob fell from his lips and you couldn’t help but hate your self for making him feel that way. Adam deserved better, you had tried to explain that to him ever since the both of you had started dating. Yet the brunette had always disagreed. “Please,” he whispered and his voice sounded so unusually broken it tore you apart from the inside. You hated the way it voice was able to sound so unstable, so broken, so sad. You hated that you had caused Adam to feel that way within seconds. “I fucking love you, Y/N,” he mumbled, clearly out of words. You knew he wanted to scream and yell, that he wanted answers. And he knew screaming and yelling would only push you further away from him and that you’d give him answers once you were ready to. So he bit back all the questions he wanted to ask you, all the things he wanted to get off his chest and placed a soft kiss on your head instead. “I’m sorry for being such a mess,” you whispered quietly and maybe, secretly, you hoped it had been too quiet for him to hear. But it hadn’t been, “You’re not, babes, you’ll never fucking be.” But the both of you knew that wasn’t true, that he was lying. You were not only ruining your own mental health but also his. It was only a matter of time until Adam would either drop you or fall into the same hole you were already sitting in.

[nanomooselet]

My Brother's Keeper (VII)

Knives, despite it all, I do indeed pity you. You horrible creature. More than you might imagine anyone would dare.

I said some time ago that Knives has agency and Vash doesn't, and that the Eye of Michael's dogma demands sacrifice.

One lives. One dies.

When Knives tells Vash to leave humanity, it's at that very instant Vash realises the truth: that this isn't about the Plants versus humans. It was never about that, ever, and trying to dissuade Knives from continuing his descent by arguing from that premise isn't ever actually going to work.

It's about how discovering Tesla broke them in two. It broke reality, cracked the singular unit they once believed themselves to be in half, and sent each half down forever-separate paths in both space and time.

Vash, through Rem, decided he could face the future. Even despite this discovery, how apathetically cruel the world is to the innocent, the future is always ours to shape as long as we live to choose. Rem showed him that through acknowledging and accepting responsibility for the pain of the past, even if once ignorant or complicit, one could learn and heal, and therefore work to be free of it. Not perfect. Never perfect. But still better.

Nai only saw potential pain. The fear of facing the world where it could be inflicted, and of those who'd done so, consumed him. He would erase both by returning to the past, the innocence and ignorance of having never learned the frightening truth. He'd thus build a paradise, an Eden, where no sin was committed and no sinner would set foot. He alone, in his own singular perfection, was fit both to assume this task and the power - and thus the right - to fulfil it.

Since when have we been so different?/Who are you? We've become so different I don't think I even know you anymore.

Vash begins to cry because he sees now that Nai… Nai is gone. Maybe he ran for too long, or maybe the Nai he thought he knew never existed. It doesn't matter anymore. There's nothing of his brother left to love in this monster before him, who's done everything that he's done and isn't sorry and wants to keep doing it by seizing control over Vash's own body. (Even though they look more like each other now than they have since they were kids, which still absolutely ruins me.) Vash grieves his brother, his brother's love and their togetherness in the past, but he finally knows for sure that they're gone, and he must define his own identity, and move beyond them.

His declaration that he'll always run isn't about running from humanity, anymore than Knives is truly fighting for the freedom of the Plants.

Seriously, Knives isn't fighting for the freedom of the Plants. He thinks he is, because he thinks that justifies controlling their bodies and consuming their power and benefiting from their suffering, but he's reversed cause and effect. He acts and so they suffer, but he believes their suffering is what motivates his actions and not his fear and his greed for the power to destroy whatever he fears. It's circular, and it's entirely self-centred.

It's the logic not of a liberator but of the entire system of oppression.

Knives's paradise, the home to which he's so desperate to return, no longer exists. It never will again. Not for him or for Vash or for the Plants. Knives himself broke it. Knives himself ripped it out of the heavens and plunged it into the earth, shattering it, so he could reshape the pieces into something that he alone controlled. Knives will always assume control, and he won't stop if you give what he says he wants, because he won't admit or even try to understand that it's not the truth.

He wants to stop being scared and alone. He wants his brother to need him and never leave him. He wants his mother, but she's gone. (He killed her. Over and over and over again he kills her and she's still always gone and he hates her for always being gone. Why is she gone? Why didn't she stay? He asked. He gave her a choice.)

(Yet in Vash's memories and in the people he loves, Rem's spirit lives on, and always will. She still loves him, her perfect boy, even still protects him, just as she promised she would. Did you guys know Vash's coat is bulletproof? Did you guys realise Vash literally still walks around kicking ass in the protective embrace of his mother? I actually had to take a minute, when I figured it out. It made me tear up.)

I was rejected?

Let me back in! Take me back.

Knives wants to go home. To be a child again with Vash by his side. Innocent, together, in paradise. But once you've grown up, you can never really go home again. It's a fundamentally selfish desire to want everything to go back to being the same forever - what it means is that because it was good or kind for you specifically, everyone else has to conform whether it was good and kind to them or not. There's always danger in nostalgia even when it's not misplaced. It encourages destructive nihilism, malicious and ignorant apathy. If the best can only ever be behind us, there is no reason to try to go on.

Vash is not nostalgic. Vash will run, and run, and keep running. For a lifetime if he has to - and a Plant's lifetime is a long one. It's not that he hasn't made a choice, but that he'd already made it long ago: to be free of Knives, to live and to fight for independence from his brother's abusive care, and to find a way to unite humans and Plants, the purpose he's been eager and happy to serve since the day he found it. Rem's dream is one he longs to fulfil, and he finally knows he has the power, intelligence, resilience, strength and above all, the right to take up that task.

He's just acknowledged and accepted that it's not also his purpose to help his stupid brother, not if this is all he gets in response. Dismissed, ignored, insulted, his grief and compassion mocked; abused, put down, smothered, injured, rendered permanently disabled, scarred, violated, traumatised. Forced into the shape that Knives imagines he should be in, pieces cut away until he fits the image in his brother's head.

It's very sad that after all that Knives has done to him, Vash doesn't value his own life and wellbeing enough to care for himself as much as he cares for everyone else in the world. But it still beats Knives trying to do it for him. He's so bad at it.

In the past, on occasions such as this, when Vash demonstrated like... the capacity to sort of almost disagree, Knives would yell at him suddenly and loudly enough that Vash would freeze up in terror, and then Knives would do whatever he wanted regardless. My man isn't good at hearing the word "no". If yelling or insults failed, he'd do something physically violent. I've seen a lot of takes on how funny and/or gay it is that Vash's reaction to Wolfwood grabbing his lapels and threatening to torture him to death is... this.

But understand that when Vash suggests an alternative that doesn't involve mass murder, his brother tends not to agree to it. Or stop at threats. Vash's arguments with Knives always make Vash sound a bit pathetic and dumb because Knives doesn't actually engage Vash - he shuts him down or insults him, telling him he's too weak and stupid to even speak. He has no respect at all for Vash's opinions, abilities, or as a person - honestly, I wouldn't treat an animal this way.

When someone finally respects your beliefs and abilities after they've been coldly or violently dismissed so many times, that's… how it feels.

Knives assumed that Vash had no powers so he was weak, and then when Vash did demonstrate powers, that Vash was weak because he was frightened of them. As usual, the trauma he's inflicted maybe being the problem never entered his mind; it's always Vash's fault. When Vash finally has both power and the will to assert control of it, he finally has the capacity and strength to enforce his refusal. And that leaves Knives finally exhausted of any means to break his will.

Except one. One final choice.

Vash is right: the plan has failed and this is over. Knives can never again have the power he desires, and what's more, Vash would rather be shot at for another hundred years than be together with his brother in paradise.

In spite of everything Knives has done to destroy it, the independent identity of Vash the Stampede yet survives. And so.

One lives.

One dies.

Nai is dead.

There's no turning back.

(The stars are falling down.)

And no one ever really goes home.

If you want to tell me Stampede is a poor quality adaptation, it's not funny and it's shallow and Vash is a loser now and there's no Milly and they're just exploiting the property and if it just hadn't been called Trigun maybe... maybe...

Maybe! You're entitled to an opinion. I'm open to the discussion. I do always try to assume good faith.

However, I'm still probably not going to agree.

And I'm done. Now I need to lie down on the floor and cry over my beautiful disaster twins. Thank you very much for reading! I encourage you to be as insane in the tags as you feel moved to be, because I crave validation.

(Extreme Lesbianism for Meryl Stryfe: Coming Soon.)

(Part I)

(Part II)

(Part III)

(Part IV)

(Part V)

(Part VI)

[asha-mage]

WoT Meta: 'Salvation and Rebirth'

One thing that is fascinating to me about The Wheel of Time is that, despite the fact that the two of the biggest influences on Robert Jordan's cosmology are traditional Hinduism and Protestant theology (in general but especially American Protestantism), as near as I have been able to determine on my 20+ re-reads his world has neither a concept of karma or heaven.

Karma- the belief that your deeds in your current life will impact your rebirth in your next life (to vastly simplify)- is very Big Deal in Hinduism (and several other related religions, such as Buddhism- another big influence on Jordan's cosmology) and yet it is entirely absent from anyone's belief system in the WoT. No one seems to attach strongly to the idea that terrible deeds in your past life might be the source of your misfortune in this one, or that the reason to do good things in this life is to ensure a better rebirth next time. People hope for rebirth into a better life all the time, but they treat this as a capricious whim of fate, not something their actions might reasonably impact.

Interestingly though, some characters do subscribe to semi-related idea, not from Hinduism, but Christianity: Godly living. This is the idea that all troubles are self inflicted, and that if you just work hard, live virtuously, and embrace God ('walk in the light') nothing bad will happen to you ('you wont attract the Dark One's attention'). But their is no serious suggestion that this might be tied to past or future lives, and also the series takes great pains to demonstrate that it's wrong. Bad things happen to seemingly good people all the time (including Our Heroes), and if their is rhyme or reason to be found in it, it's usually the result of a working of fate so vast that the characters involved can not perceive it with their limited knowledge and view. This is one of those central themes of the series that I find so compelling and one Moiraine lays out in TDR (and during her confrontation with Logain in the show): The Wheel itself is not good or evil, it just is, and it weaves fate to a design so intricate and so massive that the human lives pulled about within it are given as much care as....well, as the loom gives to a single strand in a tapestry.

In the same vein the idea of a heaven- an enteral paradise, even just an intermediate one between rebirths, is also absent from Jordan's world building. Their is a belief that your soul will return to the nebulous 'Light' upon death if you where a good person and be taken by the Dark One if you where a bad, but no one seems to equate the 'returning to the Light' with being rewarded for good actions with a paradise where all their desires and needs will be meet, and where they get to chill out until, presumably, its time to be reborn. The idea of Heaven- that earthly suffering being rewarded after death with eternal salvation is a Big Deal in pretty much all Christianity but especially Protestantism, which fundamentally is/was about the idea that salvation could not be gate kept by earthly institutions and was solely the providence of God to deny or grant. The closest you get in Jordan's world any kind of afterlife is the World of Dreams, where the Heroes of the Horn (and only the Heroes) await their rebirth. But that can't properly be called a Heaven- not when nightmares walk it, and the conflicts of the living world can easily, and frequently do, seep inside. Not to mention any mortal can reach it without having to die- by just going to sleep.

And which, on that note, the very idea of the Heroes of the Horn is contradictory to the idea of an eternal salvation. In a system where their is salvation after death, the Heroes would be rewarded for their valor and heroism with eternal peace. Instead their reward is endless lifetimes of adventure, which means endless conflict but also endless legends and stories, as well as the chance to keep making the world better, righting wrongs and putting fate back on track. In this way the Heroes of the Horn are clearly inspired by the idea of the Dashavatara from Hinduism- mortal incarnations born specifically right the ship of cosmic order when fate/the world is getting out of whack. But interestingly, in Hinduism the Dashavataras (and the other avatars) are all Gods taking mortal flesh, and so inherently divine. This is an idea, once again, that many people in Jordan's world believe to be true (most notably the Prophet and his followers) but isn't- Rand isn't the Creator in the flesh, or a vessel of the Light. He's just a person, one whose heroic nature and kind heart earned him a place as a Hero of the Horn, but still mortal beneath all else that he is. And that fallibility, that reality that he isn't a God, that he can bled, be hurt, die, even turn to the Shadow- is a core part of understanding Rand's character arc.

One final thought on this (and the thing that started me thinking on the subject to begin with since The Fires of Heaven is where we are introduced to this idea for the first time in the books): there is something incredibly fascinating to me that to the characters in Jordan's world, the highest and most sacred oath you can swear is on 'your hope of salvation and rebirth'- which taken in the lens of our world are two fundamentally opposed ideas. For Christians salvation is eternal- the salvation of the immortal soul in Heaven free from earthly suffering. In Hinduism, rebirth by definition means continuation on earth, a chance to redeem past mistakes, to better the world, to make new good karma that will enrich your fate.

And yet, the characters in Randland don't view them as contradictory (or if someone does we never hear them voice that thought). Which makes me suspect that salvation and rebirth refers to the Prophecies of the Dragon and the hope they will come true. Salvation in this context is not the salvation of the soul, but the salvation of the world, the wheel, the pattern, fate- saved to continue on into eternity. Rebirth refers the hope you will get to be reborn again- which would only be denied to a person should the Dark One triumph and remake the world....or maybe even the hope that the Dragon will be reborn to save the world, to bring salvation to earth.

That would mean the oath came from a time when the Prophecies where fresh and new, before False Dragons tore countries asunder in wars and before hatred and fear of the Dragon had time to embed itself.

But by then, as often happens we are told, the origins, the why, where forgotten, even the tradition remained, and so no one realizes that, to this day, the most sacred of oaths, including the Three Oaths of Aes Sedai, are sworn in the name of the Dragon and on the hope of his coming.

[x1yun4]

Small Energy Reading.

Please leave a like or reblog if this resonates.

Disclaimer.

Readings are to help you gain clarity and insight on your current situation and what you can do for your own benefit. Take what resonates and leave what doesn't. This blog has been re-edited several times.

Masterpost | Feel free to make a request | Bibliomancy.

Pile 01.

"This will be my last confession: "I love you" never felt like any blessing, whispering like it's a secret only to condemn the one who hears it with a heavy heart."

— Florence Welch, from Heavy in Your Arms.

There is absolutely no doubt that this pile has gone through a lot in their lives, or perhaps during this period of your life. However, in this present moment — I am sensing that a lot of you have decided it's time to move on from the hurt that has been inflicted upon you through all this time. While for others in this pile might still be drowning in their suffering, feeling lost without hope. Clinging and scratching desperately at a surface that no longer does them good. Regardless of what your current situation is out of those two, I promise you that everything will be okay in the end. In fact, everything will work out according to your desires in the future. So, remember that your hard work, or even minimal work will not be futile. Whatever you do will push yourself into a better place. Therefore, if you have been thinking of something for the sake of your own peace, do it. Don't hold back, especially if it's something you desire from the bottom of your heart.

Of course, I understand that it's hard. It will always be easier said than done, right? But, think about this — ask yourself these questions whenever you have time for a brief introspection. Would your future self be grateful for the fact you stayed or the fact you left your current situation? Would your future self be grateful for the fact you took that risk or if you left it be? Would your future self be disappointed if you let yourself drown in misery or would they be happy you left your comfort zone in order to seek a sense of tranquility within? Even if you don't look too deeply into these questions, it's possible you might have answered unknowingly while reading.

Additional details.

Light at the end of the tunnel, a star in the night sky. Eclipses, the moonshine. White roses, lotuses, lilies. Fairy tales, stories of fiction, another life in imagination. The depths of the ocean, the waves of the waters, the sunset's reflection on the waves. Heartfelt hugs, the embrace of someone, gentle caresses.

Pile 02.

"You know you are in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."

— Dr. Seuss.

How exciting! In this period of your life, love will be entering your life — calmly like the breeze of the wind, or similar to a passionate pursuit sweeping you off your feet. This love could be romantic, platonic or even familial. Whatever it is, this person will be someone who feels like your dream person down to their personality and even appearance. For instance, do you desire a romantic partner who has a rather cheerful demeanor who cares for you with their entire heart? If so, it's likely that you will meet someone exactly like that, or someone who resembles your ideal. The same for platonic and familial relations. Maybe you would have liked for your family members to be more understanding towards you? Or that you desire a friend who doesn't talk behind your back whenever you leave? What you desire will happen, especially in the area of love for this period of your life.

However, let's remember that love comes in all shapes and forms. And that sometimes what you want isn't what is meant for you in this exact moment. Therefore, try your best not to be disappointed if the specific type of love you were manifesting or desiring in your life didn't come towards you. Fortunately though, for most of you, if not all, within this pile — will experience a satisfactory result, so keep your head up high!

Additional details.

Laughter, hangouts at the park or parking lot. Cheers, clinking of glasses, celebrations. Swimming, floating on the water's surface, submerged into the waters. Feeling relaxed, sleepy. March, November — Spring or Autumn. Manifestations. The Universe, Gods. Beliefs, prayers. Candles.

Pile 03.

"But how could you live and have no story to tell?"

— Fyodor Dostoevsky.

You have been working hard, haven't you? Fighting against what you have been shown in the present moment. Perhaps feeling stressed at the lack of achievements and results surrounding you, although you did whatever you could at that time with the knowledge you knew then. A lack of motivation and being burnt out consumes you, but there's a fire within some of you who won't allow you guys to back down. There's voices in your head screaming at you to continue, to keep going — deathly afraid that you will fail, fall behind or completely turn away from your own goals. How stressful, don't you think? A neverending nightmare of nerves, yet a feeling of adrenaline washes over you every now and then.

For the people within this pile, whether or not you agree with the paragraph above — you will have a wonderful amount of luck either within academics, career or both. There will a high chance of success in these areas. For instance, the grades you desired will come true or your business will flourish wonderfully. Whatever effort you put out into the world will not be futile. Therefore, have complete belief in yourself and storm into the world with an air of confidence.

However, for the more unhealthy people within this pile — those who overwork themselves to the bone, the people who are workaholics, and so on, it's time to realize that it's okay to take care of yourself when it's needed. It's okay to relax your shoulders, sit down and do something you like instead of working. It's okay to take breaks when necessary. While work and academics are both important, so is your well-being. Please always keep that in mind, even when it gets hard to believe.

Additional details.

Workbooks, worksheets, folders. Scribbled papers, messy handwriting, doodles. Stickmen, question marks, drawings. Exams, tests, presentations. Stable income, silver jewelry. A rocky road, ups and downs. Feeling exhausted, but not giving up. Fictional novels, fantasy characters, a second home. Imagination, dreams. Fishing. Goldfish, jellyfish, eel, lobsters.

Pile 04.

Tell me every terrible thing you did, and let me love you anyway.

— Edgar Allen Poe.

“Am I loved?” is a question that you might have come across quite often within your own mind. You might have answered “of course, but I don't love myself.” Others might answer, “I don't feel loved. However, I know my worth.” Possibly some of you within this pile feels like you are not loved by those around you and that you are unable to wholeheartedly love yourself as well. You have gone through your days without feeling your need for love be fulfilled. And I'm sure that times when all your grief comes at you in waves, it is haunting. It is painful, it stabs you in the heart. And you feel so incomplete, so empty, so lacking. You feel like something is missing, and it leaves behind a devastating ache within.

That's why, in this energy check-up reading — you are being asked to prioritize yourself. This is a time to focus on yourself through fulfilling your needs, finding love within and outside of yourself, introspection, and more. Teach yourself how you can find joy with your own company, instead of becoming dependent on the thoughts and feelings of those around you. Place yourself first, and if that's too much — place yourself in the top three based on importance. So pile four, don't lead yourself to destruction. Find balance in order to feel peace.

Additional details.

Lilies, specifically the spider lily of death. Reincarnation, shedding of oneself, metamorphosis. Butterflies in general, or purple ones. Scribbles, messy calligraphy, journaling, ink stains. Frenzied nights, the moonlight shining into a room. Fireplace, candle lit nights.

[munstysmind]

Prompt person: Henry Cavill

Prompt: “I don’t care how good it feels, you’d better not cum until I tell you to.”

YOUR OWN FAULT - HENRY CAVILL

WARNING/S: SMUT, NSFW - MINORS, DNI. P in V, unprotected sex, restraints, ??female dominant??

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT GIVE PERMISSION FOR MY WORK TO BE USED IN ANY CAPACITY

Divider by @firefly-graphics

MAIN MASTERLIST

please let me know if you would like to be added to a tag list

He didn’t think she’d actually do it, that she’d try to prove him wrong when he told her she doesn't have the willpower to edge him, but she did and now he’s suffering the consequences of his actions.

“Sweetheart please…” he begs with a needy whine, pulling at the tie securing his wrists to the bar on the headboard as slows her hips to a slow roll, ruining his orgasm for the fourth time tonight.

“It’s your own fault Hen” she tells him, leaning down and licking up his neck “you shouldn’t have been a smart ass, if you hadn’t you wouldn’t be tied to the bed right now”

He lets out a huff, mumbling under his breath as he glares at her, his head pressing back into the pillow.

“What was that?” she asks, her brows raised, daring him to repeat what he said. He just shakes his head at her, refusing to make eye contact as she sits back up.

She clenches around him, smirking when a choked whimper comes from the back of his throat. The thrill of giving him a taste of his own medicine, doing to him what he does to her every time they have sex, has already made her orgasm twice and she’s quickly on the way to a third.

“I don’t care how good it feels, you’d better not cum until I tell you to” she tells him as she resumes her movements, slowly rolling her hips, something that drives him crazy “if you do, you’re using your hand for the next month”

“Fuck” he growls, gritting his teeth while he tries to think of anything other that how amazing she feels wrapped around him. He knows if he blows his load before she lets him, she’ll stay true to her word and won’t touch him for a whole month. Four weeks. Thirty one torturous days.

She shifts in his lap, moving her legs behind her and resting the top of her feet on his thighs to get more leverage, which she uses to her full advantage. Planting her hands on his chest she starts to ride him, hard.

Normally he loves it when she uses him for her own pleasure but not this time. He’s so sensitive from the past hour that it’s borderline painful. His saving grace is she’s close, he knows she is. He knows every part of her.

“Oh god” she cries, her nails digging into his chest as the pressure between her legs reaches it’s peak and she collapses into him, her entire body shaking as her climax takes over.

Feeling her walls clamping down on him ignites a fresh panic in his chest, he isn’t going to be able to hold it off much longer.

“Sweetheart.. I can’t, I’m gonna. Please… please” he begs, panic in his voice as he feels his balls tighten.

“Cum for me” she whispers breathlessly, burying her face in his neck as her body twitches with aftershocks as a result of her self inflicted overstimulation.

She doesn’t need to tell him twice. He plants his feet on the mattress below them and vows to never skip or complain about leg day again as he thrusts up into her. One… two… three times and it’s all over.

“FUCK!” he roars, his back arching off the bed as he cums harder than he’s ever cum in his entire life. A deep groan leaves his chest, his entire body shuddering as his muscles relax and he sinks into the mattress.

“You’re gonna be the death of me” he pants after a few minutes, making her grin in his neck. She lifts her head, the grin still on her face, and leans forward, kissing him deeply.

“But what a way to go” she says against his lips, making them both burst into laughter.

[codenamesazanka]

cursory chapter thoughts:

What was this chapter

So... was Deku/AFO's attack supposed to destroy 'Shigaraki Tomura' (and leave 'Shimura Tenko' intact)? I guess that makes sense, since he didn't care about Shigaraki Tomura, only about The Crying Child. What gets messy is whether it made clear in the text that Shigaraki and Tenko are separate people? Deku treated it as if they were; Shigaraki insisted they weren't (BUT he's brainwashed/traumatized/wrong, so what does he know 🤡); the narrative seems to imply that they're still the same people but perhaps Tenko is more 'core' - At the end of 418, Tenko is the one saying 'No' to playing heroes, growing into Shigaraki/his adult self to say 'Villains need a Hero of their own', which seems to be his True Dream, implying that Tenko and Shigaraki do at least share that, they are at least partly the same person... (But then 419 said his entire life was manufactured, so.) Shigaraki Tomura/Shimura Tenko is whoever Deku decides he is, I guess.

Sero's speech feels condescending and dismissive. I totally get him, that he's a normal guy in midst of all these tragedies and trauma victims, he can't quite relate to them, his motivation is purely 'Doing well at school' and 'preparing for my future career' and that's perfectly fine! Tragedy doesn't make people stronger; there's only just suffering. The issue is that the disconnect between Normal Guy Sero and Trash Rat Baby AFO (and Abused Eugenics Baby Todorokis, Hate Crime Child Victim Hetermorphs, Quirk Conversation Therapy Toga) is pretty big. And so the speech comes off seeming to say 'that sounds like a you problem'. Or, even if he later says 'bad stuff shouldn't happen', that's so broad and vague it's meaningless, especially since the 'bad stuff' that's happening is mostly from... the system he's fighting to protect. Bad stuff happens to people and that should stop. How to stop it? Just don't be unlucky I guess?

I can't remember well, but isn't the majority of the damage Deku suffers pretty much self-inflicted? He was away for most of the Sky Coffin battle. Then he faced off only Shigaraki, and that consisted mostly of breaking Shigaraki's wrist in a hold, and dodging because he couldn't let Shigaraki touch him - though Shigaraki does get a few hits in, including tossing him across the country to Fuji. But the main injuries I remember getting prominence and significance is from overusing OFA - muscles tearing, unable to breathe, etc.

The Shirt is so awful. That's the extent of civilian help. Supporting Heroes by buying their exclusive merchandise and believing in The Symbol. And Deku puts value in that, given that he recognizes the fucking shirt. Yeah, yeah, it's symbol of their trust in him, their spirit and wishing energy is in that shirt, whatever. It's a terrible gesture and symbol to use, imo.

I like that AFO is sad.

[sotwk]

Transformed (Gelir Thranduilion x femReader )

Fanfic Request from the @fellowshipofthefics's AU-gust Mashup Event

Prompt: Gelir, son of Thranduil (SotWK OC) + Mythical creatures + “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Summary: A Mirkwood huntress is attacked by a mythical beast and begins a slow and gradual transformation into a monster herself. Prince Gelir helps her through the frightening ordeal by overseeing her care.

Requested by and Dedicated to: @laneynoir I am so thrilled (and relieved) that I was finally able to complete one of your requests! Thank you for being so patient with me, and for giving me a chance to finally write an insert starring one of my OC Thranduilions. (How self-indulgent and exciting!) Love you, darling!

Word count: 2.4k

Content: AU, werewolf lore, romance, angst, mild gore, hidden feelings, oblivious to love

Rating: T (Teens and up)

Warnings: Mild sensuality, mention of blood and mild horror/violence

To Read on AO3: Link

Transformed

Third Age 1554

Mirkwood

Legends had people believing that werewolves could shift from human to lupine form within a matter of minutes at the strike of the full moon. But legends, merely stories passed down across generations by word of mouth, often got certain details wrong. 

As was the case with you. 

The long iron chains that connected the shackles around your wrists to the wall clinked softly as you raised your loosely bound hands to your face. You brushed your fingers over the coarse hair that covered your neck, its growth making the slow, tedious crawl upward to your jawline, where a soft fuzz had developed overnight. By tomorrow, you would likely wake with your cheeks entirely covered in fur…perhaps among other worse changes. 

Heightened senses had manifested first, long before the physical changes began to show, and so the distinctly heady scents of warm rain and spring grass identified your visitor before he ever stepped through the door. But there was also the fact that hardly anyone else had dared to step foot into the same room as you, ever since your condition was identified. Despite folklore attesting that the mysterious affliction could only be transmitted by a creature’s bite, all the other elves were behaving as though merely breathing in the same air would get them infected. 

You were grateful that Gelir had never behaved very much like all the others. Still, the carefree boldness you had always admired in him now worried you.

“You really must stop coming here,” you mumbled, just barely raising your gaze towards him. He was a Prince of Eryn Galen, yes, and the leader of your company besides. But you had known each other for far too long to put on pretenses with each other. "I could lose control of myself any moment now and hurt you."

"You could try to hurt me," he countered with a smirk. "You would not succeed." He folded his arms over his chest and ran his gaze all over you, his unfailingly keen eyes assessing the physical changes that had occurred since his last visit merely a few hours ago. 

You turned away in a futile attempt to escape his stare. Gelir meant well, and was the only one whose concern for you overrode any instinct for self-preservation, the latter of which he never possessed much of, anyway. But even in your weary sadness and pit of despair you were embarrassed about being seen like this, especially by him. Your childhood friend who had always sauntered around oblivious to how annoyingly, stupidly, breathtakingly handsome he was. 

"I am serious," you said sharply, vaguely conscious of the feral rush of anger in your gut, rising into what sounded like a rumbling snarl in your throat. "I will not be responsible for inflicting this curse on the King's son."

"If hurting me is your main concern when you are the one suffering through all this…" Gelir shook his head, his face suddenly and uncharacteristically somber. "Then you are still very much like yourself and I have nothing to worry about."

You sighed and slumped back down on the edge of the bed. King Thranduil had decided you would be kept comfortable in a palace room instead of the safer and more practical choice of a dungeon cell. The cells are for prisoners, he said sternly, and would abide no more of your protests. 

A month into the ordeal and they were still tending to you like a guest, changing your bed linens like clockwork, bringing you water and fresh towels to clean yourself with, dropping off three meals a day along with stacks of books and paper and quills to help you pass the time. 

“You have not eaten all day.” Gelir gestured at the untouched dinner tray on the low table. "Nor did you yesterday. Or the day before that."

“I feel no hunger.”

“You must eat,” he said firmly. “Whatever appeals to you, tell me and I will send for it."

"What point is there? Perhaps starving myself is the best and cleanest way to end this mess."

"The point is I will not have you losing hope while the rest of us hold fast. The healers have not ceased tearing into the creature's corpse for answers. Must I remind you that both Arvellas and my mother are leading the efforts to find a cure?"

Tears sprang to the corners of your eyes. Knowing the royal family was devoting their time to helping you really was what kept you going through the moments of despair and self-pity. But it was hard not to question what made you worthy of such attention, even though the King and Queen were well-known for regarding every subject in their kingdom as family. 

The subtle shift of the firm mattress under his weight drew your thoughts to the fact that he had sat down next to you. On impulse, you shrank away to take back the distance that safely separated you from the elf-prince.

Gelir frowned, and you immediately held up both your hands to remind him of how they had gruesomely mutated over the past week. When you first noticed your fingers begin to stiffen at the joints and curl inward to your palms, until it pained you to fully stretch them, that was the first time you broke down sobbing over your condition. The ugly hair that sprouted at unsightly places all over your body to suffocate your skin had bothered you much less. But your hands-- lithe and strong and skilled with bow and knife and craft--those were your treasures. Now they were malformed and good for nothing except perhaps wanton slaughter, the only possible use for the razor-sharp claws that still continued to grow out of each fingertip. 

"I dare not have you within reach of these, your Highness,” you whispered, steeling your face against the threat of another breakdown. “Please."

Unsurprisingly, Gelir defied your plea. He reached out, and before you could resist--yet did you even attempt to?--one of his strong hands closed around your wrist, and he guided the deformed monstrosity to rest against his open palm. You flinched as the points of the claws touched the prince’s skin. 

"I am no delicate flower," Gelir said loudly. He pushed one of the sharp tips into the flesh of his palm, where it found resistance as hard as stone: a warrior’s hand inherited from his great forebears and strengthened by centuries of  training and battle. "And I can protect myself, even from you, no matter what form you take."

The mere thought of attacking him sickened you, and brought your mind back to that dark cave where you had recklessly given chase to an already dying orc. You had been so focused on revenge, on seeking payment for what the filth had done to your comrade, that you did not detect the more dangerous beast lurking in the deep tunnel until it leapt out at you.

Your struggle with the creature lasted a mere few seconds before an arrowhead burst through its eye, forcing its jaws to release your bloodied forearm. Gelir’s enraged scream echoed dreadfully through the cave as he threw the monster off you and ended it with a single swing of his longknife, nearly cleaving its midsection in half. 

Those images sent a shiver down your entire body. You pulled your hands away to wrap your arms around yourself, and stood up to pace alongside the bed. After a moment of Gelir just sitting there quietly watching you wrestle your anxiety, you stopped to face him and blurt out: 

"And when I become too much of a threat, how will you deal with it then? Will you kill me too?"

“Do you feel an urge to attack me?” Gelir rose slowly, keen green eyes searching your face. “Right now, at this moment? Are you overcome by a desire to rip my throat out?”

You stared at him, so handsome and flawless and immaculate a figure, the dream of many an elf in the kingdom. Such beauty and light was so loathed by the Darkness, that any evil festering within you would surely rise to try and destroy him.

But as you stood within arm’s reach of your friend, close enough to inflict serious damage if violent impulses demand it, all you could feel was the same thing you had felt for him since the day he first made you laugh. When you thought you would never laugh again after the raiding orcs claimed your family’s lives. 

“No,” you finally mumbled. “Not at this moment.”  

“Until then, I forbid you from even imagining me harming a hair on your body.” He caught your gaze and smiled. “Even though you certainly have more of it now than you did before.”

Laughter rang clear from your mouth, and went on so heartily and for so long that it blurred your vision and emptied your lungs. By the time you regained your composure, you noticed that Gelir had remained oddly silent the whole time, and returned to staring at you.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Because I need to.” He exhaled softly, as an archer might to reduce tension in their body before loosing an arrow. “To remind me of why I must speak up now, and delay no longer.” 

The softness with which Gelir spoke your name was so abruptly different from the more common noises of his boisterous shouting and laughter. As noticeably different as a midday summer blaze was from a dawn’s early rays. 

Suddenly you realized how badly your heart was racing, and how loud it must sound to his ears. 

"This ordeal has changed nothing in the way I view you. This… this accident…” The bitterness  of self-hate, a self-blame that you have repeatedly failed to talk him out of, cut through his words. “This threat to you, has only forced me to stare down a truth that I have ignored for too long. Before I do this, I wish to make that clear.”

Your speeding heart came to a sudden halt, as did the world around you. "Before you do what?"

The moment his hands cupped the sides of your face, his fingers threading into your hair, you were trapped. All hesitation, all fears and worries, extinguished like a wavering candle against a sudden gale as his mouth descended on yours. Valar, his lips were so soft. They moved tenderly against yours, confident in their conquest yet pleading for requital. 

And answer it you did. The wild joy and thrill and desire that had long been locked up in a cage of denial within you now broke free, and you kissed your Captain and Prince. You felt the slight tremble of his jaw and heard the faintest of moans from his throat as you deepened the kiss, tasting sweet mead from the sweep of his tongue. 

More. More. You craved more, and a fierce hunger for him exploded from your chest past your torn defenses. 

And suddenly you tasted blood.

With a wail of shock and despair, you withdrew and lurched away from Gelir, watching in horror as he touched the bleeding cut at the center of his lower lip, where you had bitten him.

“Eru what have I done?! I am so sorry, Gelir, I--”

“Stop. It’s all right…” He tried to say, but his calmness in the situation aggravated you. How could it be all right? How could you be so careless with the one you loved?! You tried to withdraw to a corner of the room, to get as far away from him as you could, but the limits of your iron shackles prevented it. 

“I swore I would not let this evil touch you and now I--” You could barely find your words, you were breathing so hard, so infuriated with yourself. 

“And I swore that I would never let anything happen to you,” Gelir cut in heatedly. “Even though it was a vow I made only to myself, I swore. Yet I failed, and this is how I choose to right that wrong.”

He called out to you repeatedly, your name like a hymn on his lips with the warm timbre of his singer’s voice, and it soothed you enough that you allowed him to come near, to take your hands in his again. "When I assured you that you would not face this alone, I meant it." 

"B-but the King… the Queen…" It broke you to think that you had failed them as well, after everything they had done for you your entire life. 

"...knew exactly what they were risking by permitting me to come here." He brushed the heel of his palm over your cheek, his thumb catching a stricken tear before it could fall. “They have known far longer than I have, longer than either of us, that my heart has been yours for years. Meleth nin…”

He placed your grotesque, beastly hand on his chest, and you marveled at the strong, steady beat of his heart underneath your misshapen fingers, which did not hurt nearly as much anymore.

“Whatever this disease or curse may be, it shall take neither of us, or both of us. But it will not take you from me.” 

On the other side of the chamber doors, out in the hall, Elvenqueen Maereth gave her lord husband’s arm a squeeze. “Let us allow them their privacy; they waited so long for this moment,” she whispered. “An hour perhaps, to sort through these revelations.”

Thranduil smiled wryly. “Nothing opens a fool’s blind heart like the terror of loss.” He reached out to wrap an arm around his own beloved. “You are overspent, Endanya. Take your rest. I will send Arvellas to deliver the news to them later.”

Knowing it was fruitless to argue, Maereth allowed her husband to lead her in the direction of their rooms. “Gelir will likely insist on us testing the cure on him first, but it will be more effectively done on her, with her symptoms being so much further along…”

“He will do as he is told,” said Thranduil flatly, giving an impatient shake of his head. “It should be enough to satisfy him that their fates are now surely tied.” He paused, revealing the smallest of cracks in his nonchalance. “Are there concerns of the process being dangerous or painful?”

“It will certainly not be easy. But she is strong,” Maereth said with a faint smile. “And they will be strong for each other.”

“But the cure will work.”

“It may take time, but I have faith it will.” The Queen laced her fingers through Thranduil’s, seeking the comfort she always found in his hands. “If we have learned nothing else these past centuries, aran nin, it is that the Darkness can never prevail against light such as this.”

SotWK Fancast: Sam Claflin (Daisy Jones and The Six) as Prince Gelir Thranduilion

Elves Tag list: @quickslvxrr @laneynoir @auttumnsayshi @achromaticerebus @tamryniel @friendofthefellowshipsnerdblog @blueberryrock @aduialel @scyllas-revenge @glassgulls @ladyweaslette @tamurilofrivendell @guardianofrivendell @asianbutnotjapanese @ratsys @conversacomsmaug @lemonivall @lathalea @heilith @absentmindeduniverse @heranintomyknife23times @entishramblings @stormchaser819 @a-world-of-whimsy-5 @freshalmondpandadonut @beekieboo @elan-ho-detto-elan-15 @talkdifferently6

For more of my stories, please see My Masterlist.

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[thelargefrye]

NO CELESTIAL : FEARNOT … one - shot

pairing : hongjoong x summoner!f!reader x yunho

genre : final fantasy x inspired au, childhood friends to lovers, fantasy, hurt / comfort

word count : 10.1k (my biggest fic yet oof)

warnings : final fantasy x canon violence, language, mentions of death, mentions of god-like creatures (sin), (one) emotional breakdown, minor self-inflicted injury / blood, suggestive content (allusion of sex but NO sex in this!)

note : for @cultofdionysusnet meet me under the cherry tree event!

suffer with me tag : @sanjoongie @songmingisthighs (and special tag goes to @anyamaris and @stardragongalaxy)

it was your job as a summoner to try and cleanse the world; however, while you had a mission to complete, hongjoong and yunho weren’t going to let you do it by yourself.

summoners were seen as sacred people in the world. being the only ones trained in order to expel sin – a great monster who destroys everything it sees – from the world and bring upon what is referred to as the calm.

your brother was the last summoner to expel sin. you remember him leaving you in the care of your grandmother, before he left. all you can remember from that day is his bittersweet smile, tears rolling down his cheeks as he bid you goodbye. had you known he would not have returned from his pilgrimage, you would cried, screamed, and done anything to keep him here with you.

but your brother was not selfish like that. he had become a summoner in order to cleanse and rid the world of sin. the monster had taken your parents from you when you too young to remember, but you know that was always his driving force to become a summoner.

"i'll bring about the calm so you can live peacefully. at least if just for a little while," he told you. "i hope you can forgive your brother for leaving you like this."

"you have to promise you'll come back so we can stay together! you have to come back so you can show me all the places you've been to!" you told him not yet realizing what it meant when a summoner brought calm to the world.

not yet realizing that you would never see your brother again.

and so your brother left. he left with his two friends turned guardians and you never saw him again. the next time you heard about your brother was when you heard he defeated sin and brought about the calm. you felt proud knowing your brother did it, he did what he wanted to achieve. but with his victory also came his death.

you managed to hold it together in front of everyone until you were alone. you had ran away to the luminous forest near your village, the place you had been holding up since your brother left. when you were finally by yourself under the glowing pink cherry tree, that's when you finally collapsed and broke down.

sobs left your lips as tears and snot ran down your face. you felt selfish for crying like this when you knew your brother helped save the world – at least for a little while. but you couldn't help it, your brother was all you had after your parents' death, and now you had no one.

and it was when you had the thought of no one that you felt the force of someone's body colliding with yours. their arms wrapping around you and embracing you in a tight and rather warm hug.

you recognized the person immediately as yunho – if his rather lanky stature for a thirteen year old told you anything. and that's when you remembered you weren't entirely alone because you had yunho and hongjoong by your side.

the ones who had been by your side when you weren't able to fully understand or mourn your parents death. the ones who had been beside you when your brother had left for his pilgrimage. and now... they were the ones beside you, comforting you when the news of your brother's death had finally reached you.

you looked up from your lap with teary eyes to see hongjoong kneeled in front of you. his fiery red hair standing out more than usual against the luminous plants, and that's when you realized how selfish and inconsiderate you were being. hongjoong's brother had joined yours on his pilgrimage as one of his guardians, and along with your brother, his brother also had died against sin.

"hong...joong," you want to tell him a thousand things. how sorry you were, that it felt like your fault he had lost his brother, but you can't find the words. can't find the courage.

"its okay," he says before he's wrapping his arms around you and yunho and you immediately hold the older boy close to you. sobbing into his shirt, not caring in the moment about how wet and snotty it would be.

"please..." hongjoong begins after the three of you sit in silence. you're not sure how much time had past when he says something. "please remember that you'll never be alone. me and yunho... we're here for you, y/n. you'll never be alone."

"yeah!" yunho's voice is uplifting, and something you desperately need hear. "you'll always have us because we're best friends and best friends stick together!" you can't see his face, but you know yunho is smiling.

yeah, best friends.

your life soon returned to semi-normal. you had to get use to not seeing your brother, his presence growing fainter and fainter with each passing day. but you were thankful for hongjoong and yunho to fill the void that was now missing in your heart.

you missed your brother dearly, and you knew that even if you got use to him being gone, you would always miss him. but you knew his sacrifice wasn't in vain as the world was able to have peace.

until that peace was quickly destroyed when sin rose a year after you're brother's death and sacrifice. the monster destroying several villages and even one of the more prominent cities in halazia. when the news spread of sin's return you felt your whole being want to scream out in terror and anguish. your brother's sacrifice only held the damn monster back for a year?

"y/n, are you okay?" yunho has asked you one night as the two of you sat under the cherry tree. its glowing pink petals giving your best friend a rather lovely look. the pink of the leaves bouncing off nicely against his peach colored hair. you had to scold yourself for admiring your best friend like that.

"i'm fine... i just– i just wish his death didn't feel so pointless," you confess as you pulled your knees to chest and rested your head against them.

"i'm sorry... i wish there was something i could to help you," he tells you as he wraps an arm around your shoulders and gives you a comforting squeeze.

"i do too," you whisper as you look out at the forest life around you. you were afraid that now that sin was back, your brother's memory and sacrifice would be forgotten. you didn't want that to happen. you couldn't let that happen.

and that's when it hit you.

"yunho," you begin turning to him and earning his full attention, "i'm going to become a summoner and–

"no," he cuts you off and you've never seen him this serious before. "i'm not letting you throw your life away."

"someone has to expel sin from this world. someone has to do it so no one else ever has to die because of that monster," you tell him. you don't know where this decision came from. if it came from anger or sadness, but you knew something had to be done. that you had to end the cycle of summoners continuously sacrificing themselves in order to stop sin from rampaging across the world and killing anymore people.

"no, i... i can't let you do this y/n! me and hongjoong won't let you!"

"its not yours or hongjoong's decision to make! i need to know that i'm not going to lose anymore people to that monster," you say feeling tears begin to form. "i don't know what i would do if i lost you or hongjoong..." you whisper more to yourself than to him.

"there's nothing i can do to stop you?" he ask and you can hear the sadness in his voice.

"no, i've made up my mind. i'm going to train to become a summoner and expel sin from halazia, forever."

you knew that in order to protect hongjoong and yunho, your closest friends, you had to become a summoner and go on the pilgrimage like your brother did. you knew the two males were against it. telling you not to sacrifice yourself to protect them – that they weren't worth you doing such a dangerous journey for.

you were upset at them. mainly hongjoong because between him and yunho, the older male just as outspoken and stubborn and fiery as his hair color. the two of you often butting heads and hongjoong attempted many times to talk you out of becoming a summoner.

"don't be so stupid! don't risk your life for this! no summoner has been able to expel sin permanently!" he shouted at you when you told him of your plan. "yunho! say something, tell her this is pointless!"

"i've tried hongjoong, i've tried, but she's just as stubborn as you are," yunho says, a frown painting his lips as he watches his two best friends argue.

"why won't you just let me do this?" you say, feeling frustrated with your best friend.

"because i can't lose you too! i can't lose you like i lost my brother! don't you see how selfish you're being! you want to protect us, but what about after you're gone! how are me and yunho suppose to carry on knowing our best friend is fucking dead!" he screams, tears running down his face, shocking you and yunho.

from all the years you've known hongjoong, you have never seen him cry. not even when his brother died along with yours. hongjoong always kept a strong facade around you and yunho, something you had always wished you would lower.

well now he has and you don't think you like it very much. especially when you're the reason for his tears. you feel guilty for causing him such distress and anguish, all you want to do it protect him, protect yunho.

you have to fight back your own tears, you don't feel like you deserve to cry especially in front of hongjoong. especially not after he's revealed such a vulnerable piece of himself to you and yunho.

"hongjoong, i'm–

"don't. i don't want you to apologize. i understand why you want to do this. but i just... i just can't support this," he confesses as he looks at you with his teary eyes. "go, become a summoner and go on the pilgrimage, but i won't be there to watch you sacrifice yourself. not for me at least," he adds and you feel your heart shatter.

"what are you saying hongjoong?" you ask feeling like you already know what he's going to say.

"i'm saying... that if you become a summoner then i can't be in your life. can't be your friend. i already lost a brother to sin, and to lose you... i just– fuck, i just can't imagine it," he says, head tilting back to try and stop the tears. you try to fight back your own tears.

"hongjoong... i'm... i'm so sorry," is all you can say. you love hongjoong, he's one of the most important people in your life aside from yunho. you want to live the rest of your life with the two, travel together, experience life together, grow old together, but you can't have those thoughts with sin out there. but if they – hongjoong and yunho – have a chance to do all those things without worry, and without you, then so be it.

"i'm so sorry, hongjoong," you say again, finally letting the tears fall knowing that you're about to lose him. "but i... i already sent a letter to the temple requesting that i come and train. i'm suppose to leave next week," you say and the looks both your best friends give you rips your heart a part.

"what?" yunho's voice is shaky, but you don't have the heart to look at him knowing that he's probably on the verge of crying. "you're leaving? for how long?"

"a few years at least," you tell him softly, finally letting your eyes drift between him and hongjoong.

you watch as hongjoong turns away from you, back facing you before he heads towards the door. yunho calls out his name softly, surprised by his friend's action. but before hongjoong opens your bedroom door and leaves, he turns to look at you with a heartbroken face.

"then i guess this is goodbye," he says before opening the door and leaving. you and yunho are left in shock as you realize you really did just lose your best friend, one of your everything's. gone.

yunho tries to comfort you, but you ask him to leave. he tries to argue, but eventually gives in to your wish of being alone. he gives you a hug, a reassuring hug that always brought you comfort before he's bidding you a goodbye and leaving.

the week goes by and you slowly begin to prepare yourself for leaving. for leaving yunho and... hongjoong behind. hongjoong. you can't help but feel your heart clench at the thought of the red haired male. he's been avoiding you since you told him and yunho about you leaving, keeping his word to not wanting to be in your life as you train to become a summoner. it hurts. it hurts so much, but you try your best to not think about it.

you've noticed that yunho has slowly started to hang around you less in less as your departure days draws near. you don't blame him, you'll be leaving for who knows how long, who knows what will happen in the next few years.

watching the two people you care about, and basically love, slowly drift away from you hurts. you can't help but think if you're being selfish with wanting to do this. with wanting to become a summoner to stop sin. to give them the peaceful life they deserve.

then the day of your departure arrives and you find yourself looking over your village, hoping to see either that familiar peach or red hair come bonding towards you. to give you one final hug and maybe allow you to tell them those deep thoughts about how you feel. but alas nothing, they do not come and the people from the temple ask for you to border the ship that will take you to the temple.

it hurts that neither one of them sees you off. you can't help but wonder if they are sitting at your usually meeting place, the familiar and luminous pink cherry tree in the forest, hiding away from your eyes. hoping that when they leave the forest, you will be far gone.

your grandmother shoots you a sad smile as she places a hand on your shoulder. you meet her sad expression and you can't help but feel heartbroken because of the two. they have a right to be upset, but did that really mean to forget you completely?

and so you board the boat, knowing you'll never get to properly say goodbye to hongjoong and yunho. the fear of not knowing if you'll ever see them again rises high within you, but you push it down. and then the boat leaves the dock and starts to sail out and away from your hometown.

training at the temple wasn't easy. having to control your maso, magic, was a challenge itself, and to control it and have enough to summon aeons felt impossible. but eventually you got it. you thought about the sacrifice your brother made, how sin took away your parents, and then your mind would drift to hongjoong and yunho.

you still wanted to protect hongjoong and yunho despite them separating their bonds from you. you still cared deeply for them. you still lo–

no. you think that. they were your best friends, all you had in the world, so of course you cared about them. but to love them? did you even fully understand that emotion? you wanted to understand the emotion, to say with your whole chest that yes, you do in fact love your best friends.

but you couldn't. you gave up that chance when you chose to become a summoner. they would never forgive you, never return those feelings.

especially after seven years of not seeing them. you had left your home village when you were fourteen, and since then you had been training day and night to become the best summoner you could be. but you did it, you learned how to control your maso, learned how to summon the aeons, and even learned the sending ritual that sends the spirits to the afterlife. you learned it all and made sure it was perfect.

you were praised by the people of the temple and other summoners. praised again and again for your abilities and how natural it all seemed to come for you. told you that your brother would be proud of you.

you wanted to be happy to know how far you have come in seven years, that all the training paid off, but can you really be happy with yourself if you know that hongjoong and yunho never would be.

you try to not think about them. try so hard to erase them from your memory, but you can't. this is all for them, despite how selfish it is of you to continue with this or how selfish it is of them to leave you. but you can't forget them. you love them after all, despite how silly it may seem. you truly do love them.

that's why you secretly dread returning back to your home village after seven years. you can’t help but wonder how much of the place you use to call home has changed. if anything has changed that is. but most importantly, has hongjoong and yunho changed?

of course they probably have, it’s been seven years. you wonder if they’re still friends or did they drift apart over the years. you hope not.

when you returned back to your village, everyone greeted you like you were some celebrity. welcoming you back with bright smiles and warm faces, it was odd. odd in the sense that you were only use to their pity-filled eyes and sorrowful faces after your brother died. but this was different, you weren't going to complain necessarily, but it was still odd.

"are you going on the pilgrimage, lady y/n?" you were asked by one of the villagers.

"no, i'm not. i finished my training and was allowed to come back home until i'm needed by the temple," it couldn't help the odd feeling of calling this place home again. for seven years the temple had been what you called home, and so to not call it such was just... weird.

"lady y/n, thank you for your sacrifice," another villager told you as they bowed, but you quickly stopped them. you had nothing to deserve their praise.

"please, you do not have to bow. i have done nothing to earn it," you told them, but it was actually yunho's mother who spoke up.

"my dear lady y/n, you're a summoner now and summoners earn the respect whether they go on the pilgrimage or not," she tells you and your heart twist at her words.

you want to ask her how yunho is, but you bite your tongue and instead only nod at her words. did you really have the right to ask her about her son?

soon everyone went about their day, leaving you by yourself and you were thankful they all eventually left you alone. many villagers greeted you as you passed by, making your way back to your grandmother's house.

your grandmother looked at you with a proud look before she embraced you, pulling you into her arms and hugging you. it had been awhile since you were hugged like this.

"welcome home, y/n," she tells you and it felt nice to just be called by your name.

hongjoong had changed a lot in the seven years you had been gone. as expected he would, but you're shocked to see just how handsome he got. his bright red hair grown out in a mullet-style, and his eyes looking sharper than when he was fifteen. he has an air of authority around him and you have to stop yourself from calling out to him.

you notice the sword hanging off his back and you're surprised to recognize it as his brother's sword. hongjoong never gave off the warrior vibe, that was always yunho surprisingly. it seems like you weren't the only one to follow in their sibling's footsteps.

his eyes flicker over and meet yours and you felt your heart both speed up and clench in pain when you met his eyes. it sped up because you finally seeing him after so long, proving your feelings never died like you wanted them too. it clenched in pain; however, due to the coldness and emotionless void his eyes held. like you were a stranger to him, and nothing more. like you hadn't spent most of your childhood together. it hurt. it hurt a lot.

"lady y/n, welcome back," he says greeting you, but you wish he hadn't. his voice had gotten a little deeper, but it was cold like his eyes. you were a stranger to him, he really cut you off like you meant nothing to him. you couldn't help but notice how he didn't say home, just welcome back.

was this not your home to? was he not your home when you were fourteen? when you were thirteen and him and yunho were all you had to call home.

"thank you," you say trying to hide the hurt in your voice, but ultimately failing. you're quick to turn away from him and make your way back to your grandmother's house.

didn't want to accept that you and hongjoong were now complete strangers, but unfortunately that's what he did a long time ago.

seeing yunho hurt just as much as when you seen hongjoong. the taller male had come bearing a gift to you and your grandmother – from his mother he tells you.

"oh, um, thank you, yunho," his name felt odd yet familiar rolling off your lips as you take the basket from him.

he's even more handsome than you remember, his peach colored hair still framing his face lovingly and giving him this soft look to him despite his tall stature wanting to do otherwise. his voice had deepened more than hongjoong's and you had to stop yourself from letting your knees get weak.

but seeing how much he's changed wasn't what hurt the most. it was young woman that tagged along with him, basically hanging off of him looking lovestruck. you recognized her as one of the girls you all grew up with, but her name was unfortunately drawing a blank.

"of course, lady y/n," he says and hearing the title pains just as much as when hongjoong spoke it. "and... welcome back to the village," he adds and while it was less cold and distant that hongjoong's greeting, it still felt like he was thousands of years a part from you.

again, your heart clenched at knowing they seen you as nothing but a stranger. just a summoner who shared the same village as them. you guess maybe this would make them accept you being gone much easier if you were to go on the pilgrimage, but right now it sucked. you hated it and wanted to scream at yunho for closing himself off to you. at hongjoong for being such a jerk and leaving you alone.

yunho and the girl bid you farewell before they turn and leave. you notice how they hold hands as they walk away and you felt like breaking down and sobbing right then and there.

this fucking sucks, you think as you close the door and set the basket on the dining table. before you go to your room and lock yourself away from the rest of the evening. thoughts about what would have happened if you just stayed here and didn't become a summoner.

would you still be close to yunho and hongjoong? probably. would yunho be the one holding your hand instead of that girl? would hongjoong look at you with emotions rather than as nothing? probably.

but you would never know because you chose to become a summoner, and you can't regret it. not when you have the opportunity to eventually defeat sin and bring peace. maybe it was for the best that hongjoong and yunho were like strangers to you now. didn't want to accept it, your heart still yearning for them, but you knew that eventually it would be okay.

it was in fact, not going to be okay.

you realized that you couldn't get over not being able to see or talk to hongjoong and yunho like you use to. deep inside you, your heart just couldn't except the fact that they just weren't in your life anymore. it didn't help that every attempt you made to talk to them ended in failure. hongjoong would simply give you the cold shoulder and walk away while yunho would just give you a curt "i'm good, lady y/n," before scurrying off in the opposite direction.

it also doesn't help that you've overheard the girl you've seen with yunho talk about a potential engagement. yunho... engaged? the thought didn't sit well and you felt like you could throw up if you continue to think about it.

you couldn't take being in the village anymore with how high your emotions were raging and found yourself rushing into the forest close to the village. the darkness it brought felt a sort of comfort you hadn't experienced in a while. the luminous plants bring back happy memories. happy memories that soon bring in a dark cloud as you remember that they will be just that, a memory.

you won't ever get to share hushed secrets and comforting hugs with yunho or teasing remarks and longing looks with hongjoong anymore. fuck, why are you still hung up so much on the past when it obvious they have moved on.

moved on from you and the memories you shared.

it was underneath the luminous cherry tree where you fell to your knees and finally let out the heart-wrenching sob you had been holding in for four months now. tears streamed down your face, blurring your vision as you sat on the forest ground and just cried. you felt angry at yourself for getting so worked up over all of this. angry and childish.

you punched the ground out of anger at yourself and this whole thing. you were the only one suffering in this emotional turmoil, you felt like. hongjoong and yunho... they seemed find. content with their life without you, so why couldn't you do the same.

it was always that same damn question, over and over again.

you couldn't help punch the ground again as you thought about how childish you were being. you chose to do this to yourself, you chose to leave them and become a summoner. stop being so childish and accept the consequences of your actions.

you punched the ground a few more times, ignoring the odd sensation coming from your knuckles as you pressed your head to the ground. tears still came pouring out along with snot running down your nose. every time you opened your mouth, only sob escaped you and you felt spit running out of your mouth a little bit. your whole body shook as you started to hyperventilate.

you fisted your hand so tightly you felt your nails digging into the flesh of your palm, but you ignored it. continuing to cry, you ignored all the sounds of life around you. you honestly could care less if a random monster appeared now.

that's when you suddenly felt yourself being jerked up from the ground. everything was moving so fast that you couldn't comprehend what was even happening until you felt two hands cupping your face and making you look at the figure in front of you.

even through your blurry tears you could make out the familiar head of peach hair, his whole presence giving off the same comfort feeling it did all those years ago. it honestly made you want to sob even harder. you hate how familiar and comforting yunho is. how despite the years apart, your whole being still seeks him out like when you were teenagers.

"oh, y/n... what have you done," he says, voice concerning as he takes your hand into his. when you look down, that's when you notice how bloody your knuckles are.

"why..." is all you can say as you attempt to wipe your tears away before more come out, you watch yunho as he does his best in wrapping your hand up. why are you here? is what you really want to ask. you want to push him away and yell at him, to tell him to stay away, but you couldn't find the strength.

"i seen you running into the forest, and i remember that you only did that when you were upset. so i... came after you," he says.

you can't help but furrow your eyebrows at his words. he... came after you?

"but... i-i don't... why? why are you here?" you're at a lose for words by him and you can't help but feel angry and upset. you rip your hand away from his and you notice his shocked expression before it turns in a sad one. what gave him the right to come after you after four months of avoiding you. "after so long... i've been back for four months, four months of trying to talk to you only for you to blow me off! why now when i'm sitting here crying! because of you!" you say pushing at him to get him to move away from you, but yunho doesn't budge.

instead he just lets you push at him and weakly smack his chest. he allows you vent all your emotions out on him as you continue to smack him and even cuss at him.

"i hate you so much, why did you leave me?" you sobbed, understanding how much of a hypocrite you are by saying that. when you were finally done, no more energy left to give that's when yunho pulled you into his arms.

they wrapped around you and welcomed you in the embrace you have been waiting for again for seven years. and just when you think you ran out of tears to, they just appear right again. you felt like you were thirteen again when yunho comforted you after your brother died. he hand a comforting hand over your head as he hugged you.

"i'm... i'm so sorry, y/n," he whispers once your tears finally stop. you can't help but notice the cherry blossom petals slowing falling around you both as he speaks. "i just so upset at knowing you were suddenly leaving. i regret never being there when you left, and i regret never greeting you when you came back. i was... i was just scared at knowing that i would eventually lose you and i couldn't handle it. i was scared to let you back into my life knowing that you would just leave again," you feel your heart clenched tightly at his confession.

"yunho..." you say but you had no idea what you were actually going to say. you think that maybe you just wanted to feel his name roll off you tongue after so long.

you pull yourself away from yunho in order to look at him and you're surprised by the teary expression his has on his face. he gives you a watery smile and when the tears fall, you can't help but to wipe them away.

"i don't want to lose you again," he tells you as you cup his face and you see his hands hesitate before he's doing the same. "i don't think my heart could handle losing you again," he says before he's resting his forehead against yours.

"you'll... you'll never lose me, yunho," you tell him, you want to so badly to tell him how you feel. how you've always felt, but you're scared. scared to confess how much you truly love him.

"i'm glad you came back. i waited day by day for news of your return. i had wondered how you had changed and so when you finally came back... y/n, i was so shocked by how beautiful you got," he tells you with a soft laugh.

"i wondered the same thing. when i could see you and– when i could see you again," you say correcting yourself, but yunho catches it.

"hongjoong... hongjoong i think misses you a lot. he doesn't want to admit how much he loves you because he's worried about losing you, but... just know that deep down he's glad you're back," he tells you and you let out a soft hum at his words.

"i think i owe the both of you an apology. i really di–

yunho doesn't let you finish before he's kissing you. his lips smashing against your and it catches you off guard for a second before you're kissing him back. your arms wrapping around his neck as you both attempt to hold each other closer.

you can't help but find comfort in the fact that your first kiss is with one of the people you love the most in the world and in your favorite spot. the cherry tree's pink lights giving off that romantic feeling you didn't want to admit you had been yearning and missing, but it really was something you needed. you're breathless when you pull away from yunho's lips and you have to suppress the smile that threatens to appear when he's attempting to chase your lips to kiss you again.

but then something hits it, hard.

"wait, what about that girl that was with you when you dropped off that basket from your mother?"

"hmm? oh, you mean eunha? what about her?"

"aren't you dating her or about to be engaged?"

"well, you see... i- i broke it off with her before i came to find you. i only dated her to make my mom happy, but we talked a few days ago. she told me to stop being stupid and not to date or marry to make her happy, but to do it to make me happy."

"so... you didn't like that eunha?"

"no. i couldn't, not when i love you and hongjoong too much."

you felt your heart skip a beat at his words. he likes you? but not just like, he loves you.

"yunho," you call out his name earning his attention and you immediately bring him back down to your lips. his crashing against yours as you run your hand through his hair. when you pull away you can't help the words that escape your lips, "i love you too."

the thing you probably hated the most about being a summoner had to be performing the sending ritual. sure to any witnesses the ritual was this beautiful thing that helped the deceased pass on, but to summoners... it was a taxing thing that really didn't help them feel better.

"lady y/n, one of the nearby villages is requesting that you come and help them," your village leader said, "sin attacked the village and left the place a ruin... if could go and help them–

"it would be an honor," you tell him, cutting him off. you knew what he was going to say, people in the village had lost both their homes and loved ones. summoners were seen as a sign of hope for those that survived a rampage against sin.

"thank you," the older man says, "i'll make sure you have an escort to guide you since you do not have any guardians to accompany you," he tells you and you thank him before leaving to prepare for your journey.

you can't help but frown at the mention of not having a guardian. guardians were often seen as protectors of summoners, warriors to put it simply. they were often usually close to the summoner, someone the summoner could trust with their life as they journey around the world or when they finally took on the pilgrimage. you think it was rather obvious why you didn't any guardians.

according to your village leader, it would take a day to journey to the next village. you're glad it won't take the longer. the sooner you can help that village the better it could help settle some of them down to a somewhat peaceful mind.

"lady y/n," you're shocked at the sound of the familiar voice, turning around you are met with the familiar cold eyes of hongjoong as he stands before you. "i was asked to accompany you to the next village. yunho will also be joining us," he tells you and you feel a sense of dread rush over you knowing that hongjoong will be traveling with you.

fuck, this is most he's spoken to you in seven months since you're return to the village.

"alright, i'll pack my things quickly and meet you both at the gate," you tell him and he nods before turning and walking away from you. you licked your lips nervously before turning on your heels and making your way back to your grandmother's house to pack.

"be careful, dear," your grandmother tells you and you give her a grateful smile before you're bidding her goodbye as you make your way to the village gate.

hongjoong and yunho are already there waiting for you and you see the two talking in rather hushed voices. you're glad to know that after all this time, hongjoong and yunho remained close to each other.

yunho notices you first and greets you with a smile while hongjoong simply gives you a once over. you try to ignore the awful feeling in your chest, as this journey wasn't about you. it was about helping the neighboring village.

"shall we be off then, lady y/n," yunho says and you nod before the three of you make your way into the forest.

the journey was as eventful as one would expect with the occasional run-in with a few monsters. the three of you easily taking them down and before you knew it, the sun had set and the moon was slowly taking its place.

"let's stop and set up camp here," hongjoong says and you and yunho agree without hesitation, tired from the day's journey. setting up camp was done without a sweat and before you know it, the three of you are sitting around a camp fire.

you could basically taste the tension that was between the three of you. sure your relationship with yunho was going smoothly, him often visiting you after his guard duties, but your relationship with hongjoong is literally nonexistent. he's still been shooting down all you attempts to talk to him, giving you the harshest cold shoulder ever.

you had to hand it to yunho though, he was trying his best to ease said tension, but it was obvious hongjoong didn't want to talk to you.

"yunho, just stop," hongjoong says finally. you notice the rather deep blush that overtakes yunho's face, neck, and ears and you can't help but admire how cute he looks despite how he was obviously embarrassed. "i'm only doing this because i was asked to. not because i want to sit here and share cute little stories with her. we aren't teenagers anymore, and i don't want anything to do with her," he talks as if you aren't there, and it hurts.

is that really how he sees you? as some memory from when he was younger that he didn't want anything to do with? was there no chance at building a relationship back?

"hongjoong, you're being to harsh on y/n," yunho says, eyebrows furrowed as he looks at his childhood friend.

"how am i being too harsh, yunho? i'm not the one who left us to become a summoner?" hongjoong says back, eyes hard and you can see the fire behind them as he talks. "i'm not the one that's going to sacrifice themselves for a pointless cause," he says and you can feel your heart clench at how hurt you are.

yes, you decided to leave them, but it for them. yes, it was probably a selfish thing to do without considering their feelings, but to say things like this to you. hongjoong was only doing this to hurt you. you couldn't stand to be around him any longer, you felt the tears once again threatening to spill and you had to get away.

hongjoong let out a humorless laugh as he watches you get up and walk away from him and yunho, "of course! run away like you always do, not caring about the mess you left behind!" he spits out, but you continue into your tent just as the tears fell.

you stayed the rest of the night in your tent, curled up and refusing to cry over hongjoong. at some point throughout the night, yunho comes in and lays down next to you. you appreciate how he hold you close to him and even more that he doesn't say anything to you. the both of you just lay in silence, yunho rubbing comforting circles on your skin and lulling you to sleep.

the neighboring village was in a lot more ruin than you could have guessed. you felt your heart clench and body shake as you took in the destroyed village around you. the houses destroyed and many of the villagers crying out in mourning over their lost ones.

the village leader approaches you with a mournful look, "oh! thank you summoner and her guardians for coming," he says and bows to you. you feel your stomach twist at how the leader calls yunho and hongjoong your guardians and you're about to correct him when yunho speaks up instead.

"of course, we're here to help as much as we can," he says as both him and hongjoong greet the leader. the leader thanks you three again before he's giving tasks to help the villagers to hongjoong and yunho before he's leading you to where their dead as been set and ready to be sent to the afterlife.

"we'll have the ritual ready to perform soon. please take your time as you talk to people, they could really use some help, lady y/n," he says before leaving you by yourself. you grip your staff tightly as you look at the number of how many people fell at the hands of sin. it twists your stomach once more and it makes you want to throw up.

however, you push the lump in your throat down and take a deep breath before your bowing to the deceased and making your way around the village to talk to the people left of it. they thank you for coming and for sending off their lost loved ones. it makes you feel better about becoming a summoner as you can help everyone here hopeful find peace. because at the end of the day, that's all you want from being a summoner. peace.

the sending ritual took place at sunset, the bodies of the deceased submerged under the water and the people of the village watching from the beach. tears in their eyes as some of them tried not to break out in sobs and mournful cries. you took a deep breath before you took a few hesitant steps onto the water.

your swung your staff from side to side, twisting the staff in your hands the further you walked out into the walk. you had done this plenty of times before when you were training, going through the motions of performing the ritual. however, this is the first time yunho and hongjoong will watch the ritual and you felt nervous for some reason.

you want to show them that you are a good summoner, that you spent the last seven years training for this.

hongjoong felt like he was in a trance as he watched you perform the sending ritual. the fires lit around him, yunho, and the grieving villagers turned from the usually orange-yellow tint to a sudden blue-purple tint and grew just slightly. he watched as you waved your staff from side to side over the deceased that were below you in the water.

then he watched as the water rose you and sprouted up like some fountain. you continued performing the ritual, like the water suddenly rising you up and coming to life didn't phase you.

him and yunho both watched as the pyreflies, the spiritual life force of people, began to leave the bodies and floated up around you and into the sky. hongjoong felt a cold chill run over his body as he watched the scene before him. he had heard of the sending ritual before, everyone in halazia was familiar with it, but to witness it. to witness a summoner perform it, wasn't something he ever thought he would see it.

he couldn't deny how otherworldly you looked while performing the ritual. he couldn't deny how beautiful you had become over the last seven years, he felt his stomach twist as he watched you perform your summoner duties and realizing that you would eventually leave him eventually to perform your summoner duties. he was afraid to get close to you again, to let you in again, only to lose you forever.

so he kept you away and at a distance. he knew that yunho frowned upon his actions and attitude towards you.

"she looks so beautiful," yunho says, still in awe as he watches you.

"yeah... she really does," hongjoong says and that seems to snap yunho out of his trance of you.

"you know... you should try to talk to her," yunho says and hongjoong knows he's right. yunho is always right when it comes to these types of things. "she... she loves you as well, always has."

when the ritual was over, both males watched as you were lowered back to the ground by the water. the pyreflies having ascended into the sky moments before the ritual was over.

yunho notices how you seem to be lacking some energy, but before he could approach you, hongjoong beats him to you and rushes to you and catches you in his arms. you let out a groan as you lean onto hongjoong who wraps you in his arms.

"hong...joong?" you're surprised that its hongjoong who catches you and holds you against his body.

"you did so well, y/n, no tears next time okay?" he says brushing away the tears you didn't realize had escaped. the sending ritual always was emotional for you, you had even thought you were successful in not crying this time.

hongjoong helps you over towards yunho who smiles down at you. when you regain your energy, you're able to stand by yourself and you move away from hongjoong. hongjoong can't help but feel a frown painting his lips, but he knows why you've slightly distanced yourself from him.

"i think its about time we all talk," yunho says as he smiles at the two of you, he runs a hand over both yours and hongjoong's head before bringing the both of you into a hug.

the following night, the three of you sat around another fire similar to the night before, and you and your two childhood best friends talked.

"i became a summoner because i was angry that my brother's sacrifice wasn't enough. he had become a summoner to defeat sin because the monster took our parents, but he also wanted to make sure i lived a peaceful life. i wanted to make sure his wish was fulfilled. you both... you're the most important people in my life. my home. i wanted to give you a peaceful life without sin. i want to defeat him once and for all," you tell them as both hongjoong and yunho sat on either sides of you.

"y/n... do you know how about impossible that sounds?" hongjoong asks and he's right. it sounds absolutely crazy and impossible, but its been something you've been training for, for the last seven years now.

"but its something i need to do," you tell him, "i want to make sure everyone can live a peaceful life and no more summoners have to die. i don't want to die, but i want to defeat sin," you tell them.

yunho couldn't help but let out a laugh, "you want to kill sin?"

you nod and hongjoong looks at you like you have grown two heads. you can tell he wants to protest, but stops himself. instead he takes your hand into his and gives you a comforting squeeze. the sudden closeness of hongjoong feels nice. it feels nice to finally be close to him again, but you couldn't ignore the somewhat awkward tension between the two of you.

you know it'll take a little bit before the awkwardness goes away, but that's how it was with yunho. you had seven years and seven months to catch up on.

everything seemed to be going well until you received a letter from the temple. the letter tells you about how the summoner who had decided to go on the pilgrimage to cleanse the world and put sin to sleep had quit halfway through his journey.

the news shocks you, you've never heard about a summoner quitting their pilgrimage before. you can't help but wonder what had happened. maybe he got cold feet and suddenly didn't have the courage to sacrifice himself. maybe he wasn't as prepared as he thought he was.

it was easy to think of reason after reason, but you concluded that maybe it was best if you didn't know.

continuing the letter, you're shocked when the temple asks for you to take on the pilgrimage instead. the heads of the temple sending you praise once more through the letter and saying that they had no doubts that you would succeed in the pilgrimage and bringing about the calm.

this is what you had spent seven years of your life training for. this was what you had dedicated your teenage and first years of adulthood to. to finally go on the pilgrimage and stop sin once and for all, to give hongjoong and yunho the peacefully life they deserved.

but how would they react? you had just gotten them back and you know it took a lot to earn hongjoong's trust back. it took a lot just to finally tell them both how you feel. how the love you had for them at age fourteen didn't just go away, but instead grew more and more. you knew that without you they would be fine. you finally had the chance to give them the life they deserved.

on the other hand, you wanted to be selfish. you wanted to deny the chance of the pilgrimage if it meant being able to stay with hongjoong and yunho just a little longer. but could actually risk the lives of thousands – millions – for a little bit of happiness?

you let out a sigh as you folded the letter back up as looked out at the sea before you, the sun was setting and hongjoong and yunho would be over soon. you knew you had to make a decision soon.

stay with your two lovers or go on the pilgrimage.

"what?" hongjoong is surprised by what you told him and yunho about the letter.

"the previous summoner that was going on his pilgrimage quit and so the temple asked if i wanted to go on it instead," you restate what you told him. the three of you had met in the forest near your village underneath the cherry tree.

"so are you going?" yunho asks after the three of you sit in a few moments of silence.

"i... i don't know," you confess, truly unsure if you want to go on the journey. "i mean, this is what i spent the last seven, eight years preparing for," you add as you look down at you hands which rested in your lap. "i just got the both of you back in my life, and i can't imagine losing you both again like i did. i know you don't want me to leave," you say looking at hongjoong, "but a part of me is telling me to go."

"then go, baby," yunho says as he takes one of your hands into his. "you want to kill sin, and bring peace to halazia. do it, go on the pilgrimage, defeat sin once and for all and then come back to us," he adds, as he gives you warm smile.

your eyes filter over to hongjoong, waiting for him to say something, but instead he remains silent as he lays against the ground, looking up at the luminous cherry tree and the petals that floated down and around the three of you.

"hongjoong..." you call out to your lover softly, in an attempt to get his attention.

"this is what you want. to fulfill your brother's wish and i can't stop you, no matter how much i want to object and fight to keep you. it was just be a pointless and heartbreaking fight," he says as he looks at you and then sits up.

he moves until you and him are centimeters apart, noses touching and you feel a little flushed by the sudden closeness, "you have to promise to come back to me and yunho. you hear?" he says and you nod your head and he cracks a smile before he's pressing a soft kiss to your lips.

"hey let's get married," yunho suggests and you and hongjoong turn to look at him with wide eyes. he can't help the blush that covers his cheeks when he realizes the two of you are looking at him. "well... maybe not literally, but let's at least promise to always love and look after each other no matter how far apart we are from each other," he adds.

"and when you get back from defeating sin, we'll make it official," hongjoong adds with a hum.

"oh geez, you two," you say feeling a heat rise to your face as you try to fan your face to cool yourself off.

yunho can only laugh as he pulls you to rest between his legs and you find comfort in feeling trapped between him and hongjoong, who moves to sit in front of you and also between yunho's rather long legs.

"y/n," hongjoong begins taking your hands into his and you feel yunho's hands also come to rest over them, "will you spend the rest of you life with me and yunho?"

you let out a small laugh as you nod, feeling the tears start to well up in your eyes as you look at your childhood friend who has a similar expression on his face. he smiles at you before he's kissing you.

"i love you both," you say when hongjoong pulls away from you.

"good because you're stuck with us," yunho says before he's reaching down to kiss you as next.

the next thing you know, you are entangled with your two lovers as you three kiss each other. hands moving and pulling at clothes as you are rested on the ground and you admire the glowing, beautiful cherry tree as you and two lovers all become one.

and then when it was all over, the three of you were laying there underneath the tree and basking into each other's warmth and presence, knowing that you will be leaving them in a just a few days.

you feel a sense of deja vu rush over you as stand on the familiar dock looking over the your home village. seeing it right here in the same spot you stood in eight years ago now, helps you realize that nothing about the small village had changed. you can't help but smile at this realizing fact and you're glad some things will never change.

however, while you're about to set off on your pilgrimage, you had hoped that some things would change from when you were fourteen. mainly being that hongjoong and yunho would be here to see you off. you don't expect them to go with you, it would be too selfish to ask, but you would hope to see them one last time.

one last time before you–

no, you can't think that why yet. not when your journey has just barely begun.

"are you ready lady y/n?" the boat work asks you and you're about to answer him when a sudden yell sounds throughout the area.

"hey!! wait for us!!" you whip around at the familiar voice and see an even more familiar shade of peach and red running towards you. you feel your heart about to jump out of your chest at the sight of your two lovers, and you have to stop yourself from breaking down into tears of happiness.

"what are you guys doing?" you ask and you can't help but hope for a specific answer.

"well, we've decided to come with on your pilgrimage. we–

"we decided that we aren't going to let you do it alone," yunho cuts off hongjoong making the short of the two males huff in annoyance at his lover.

"b-but i can't ask that of you guys, its too dangerous!" you say because as much as you want them to come with you, you can't risk putting them in danger.

"exactly," hongjoong says looking at you with soft eyes, "that's exactly why we need to come with you. y/n, you don't have any guardians, how do you expect to protect yourself from all the different monsters?"

you can't help but feel rather embarrassed at realizing you don't have an exact answer for him. mainly because you don't have one.

"exactly," he says, reaching his hand out to take yours, "that's why me and yunho need to come. to protect you. i made a mistake eight years ago by shutting you out, afraid of losing you like i did my brother, but i know now that it was wrong of me. if i'm going to lose you then... then i'm going to be with you until the very end," hongjoong says and you can't help but tear up at his words.

"hongjoong's right," yunho says, gently taking your other hand into his, "we'll both protect you and be with you until the very end. the three of us forever and ever."

you don't stop the tears that run down your face as you pull your two lovers into you and embrace them. they immediately wrap their arms around you and each other.

"forever and ever."

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