#my therapist got a competitor

[fatherfigureneeded]

bro i went on a run wit my dog this morning and this shit deadass solved all my problems

[thereindeerlady]

Hello to the 2 Zukka fans who may actually see this, i bring you Free Thoughts of a 2 am snacker!

Zukka hockey player/figure skater au

Now, i know what you’re thinking: Lydia! Tupp! This has already been done before!

And you would be correct! However! My brain has tweaked it in a way i have personally yet to see (wink wink nudge nudge drop the fic links if you’ve read this before)

So! My thoughts on the subject:

Hockey Player Zuko and Figure Skater Sokka

Zuko, child figure skating prodigy who suffered a tragic accident, is hidden away for two years before he reemerges under his Uncle’s care as a fierce hockey competitor after everyone said he’d never skate again

Sokka, who’s sister Katara became a World Junior Champion at 16* in ice hockey and who Sokka feels he can never live up to, enjoys after-hours figure skating on the same ice he works to maintain. Sokka, who watches singles programs galore and learns his favorites and recreates them, posting them to youtube for his 6 followers (Hakoda, Bato, GranGran, some kid name Aang, and two other anonymous strangers). Sokka who has a natural grace to him despite the obvious lack of formal training, who skates like he’s got everything and nothing to lose, whose love for the art shows in every glide and every turn. Sokka who gets discovered one day by an old grumpy coach who offers to give him a few tips. Sokka who is a fast learner and spends ages 14 to 18 quickly climbing the local ranks.

Zuko, who, at 16 faces a second injury that takes him out of hockey forever. Zuko, who has just been officially disowned as his own sister takes to the spotlight. Zuko, angry at the world, lashing out at everyone around, but goes willingly with his uncle when Iroh suggests a change of scenery 6 months into his recovery. Zuko who is determined to skate again, if only for himself, if only to prove that yes, he is strong enough to come back again. Zuko who strikes a deal with local ice rink that if he sits and runs the front counter during the day while his uncle runs the popular new tea shop inside the rink, he can use the rink after hours once his injury is healed enough. Almost 17 year old Zuko who stays late to reorganize some papers behind the counter one night and sees Sokka step onto the ice and go through vigorous warm ups and exercises. Zuko, who drifts a little closer and watches as Sokka is told he can skate anything he wants for the first skate. Zuko, hearing the song from the last program he ever skated come on through the speakers and watching as Sokka skates through it easily, with a passion Zuko himself had never managed to feel. Zuko, who occasionally stays behind to secretly watch a pretty boy skate and never gets caught for 4 more months. Zuko, who is finally cleared by his physical therapist to get back on the ice but with orders to take it slow, gliding carefully out onto well-taken-care-of ice for the first time in almost a year in skates very different from his last pair, and it feels strangely like coming home.

Sokka who watches a stranger hesitantly enter the rink. He comes to the rink on his nights off when everything at home becomes too much. He loves his sister and his parents- because Bato never needed to marry his dad to be a second father to him- and he even loves his sweet crazy old GranGran, but sometimes it all gets to be too much. They know he’s seriously training in figure skating now but they’ve never come to any of his recitals**. Its not that they dont care, but theres always something else going on. “Oh, we cant, Katara has her out of state tournament that weekend” or “Oh no bud Im so sorry, Bato and I are going on a late anniversary trip that day” or even “I have too much homework, Sokka, I’ll come to the next one, promise!” The only one who never makes an excuse but he also never actually sees in the audience is GranGran (this’ll be important later on wink wink). So, when things get to be too much and Sokka gets tired of having to be the loudest person in the room just to simply be acknowledged, he comes to his safe place. The rink after hours. Sokka watches from the upper shadows as the stranger takes careful, measured, practiced glides. Like riding a bike for the first time in ages, they’re hesitant at first before they slowly gain traction. At first, he thinks the stranger is just going to glide from one end to the other all night but instead he watches as they slowly begin a few exercises. Very familiar exercises. (Do you see where im going with this?) And then, they turn around, and Sokka is suddenly breathless because before him is the most beautiful boy- the most beautiful human- he’s ever seen. And sure, maybe Sokka has always fallen too fast and too hard, and sure, Sokka has literally never talked to this boy in his entire life, but Sokka looks at him and sees that look on his face and knows. ‘He’s just like me.’

Zuko who keeps coming back and lingers before Sokka gets on the ice. Sokka who stays late to watch Zuko retrain himself. Piandao who is sick and tired of watching these two boys dance around each other when they could clearly be learning from one another because, though Zuko had not trained in figure skating in years, he had been a true prodigy and he picked it back up easier than he should have been able. Piandao who was Zuko’s first coach before his father transferred him to Zhao’s guidance. (Jeong Jeong, a retired pro hockey player who is tired of listening to his husband bitch all day anout oblivious idiots because they’re starting to remind him of himself and Piandao when they were young and headstrong.) Jeong Jeong who finally takes matters into his own hand and tells the boy who runs his front counter that Piandao would like for him to come to Sokka’s next practice and then tells Piandao to “Stop whining and do something now, I’ll see you at home” with a kiss on the cheek as the two boys shyly trade introductions.

Zuko who begins helping Sokka with his training even as he himself recovers and relearns. Sokka showing up on the nights Zuko skates alone with greasy takeout and the occasional baked good his GranGran made that day. Sokka and Zuko curling up on the couch in the back office watching old figure skating videos on an old laptop and Sokka finally realizing exactly who Zuko is as Zuko finally realizes Sokka is that one youtuber he watched for years when he was younger. Zuko laughing and telling him that the random subscriber Aang is actually a friend of his and the other anonymous subscriber was just Zuko’s second account after he lost the password to the first.

On one of their casual skate nights, once Zuko is back to full strength, Sokka suggests they learn a pairs skate tongether for fun. Ike a trust exercise!” He says as if he hasnt been dying to know what it would feel like to skate in tandem with Zuko since he first saw his face. Zuko agrees and he and Sokka find a program they both like. They decide who’s skating what and then begin to fumble through learning their individual parts. A week or two later, they try it together for the first time, no music, and its not half bad. They continue to learn it together and notice that the more they skate together, the better they get individually. Zuko’s refined control gives Sokka a more polished look without smothering his passion while Sokka’s passion and fluidity allows Zuko to loosen up and actually enjoy what he’s doing. (1 hour mark)

Eventually, they put it to music, and Piandao and Jeong Jeong emerge from the shadows at the end of the song. Piandao asks them if they want to learn their own pairs program to compete together this year. The two boys share a look and agree almost immediately. The next few months are spent learning the choreography. Sokka and Zuko both go through core strength training and lifting weights because Piandao is currently planning to have them both lift each other at some point in the program.

Time jumps forward to the competitions and Zuko and Sokka blow it out of the water. This time, Sokka spots his GranGran when Zuko is pointing out and waving to his Uncle Iroh near the top of the rink. She’s sitting with Zuko’s uncle and he’s elated to see her there and yet, disappointed that his family still hasn’t come to support him. Time jumps again. Sokka and Zuko spends hours training and then hours on their off days hanging around Zuko and Iroh’s house or even Iroh’s tea shop. They ofc have spent all of this time in continual pining.

But, time jump to when they’re both 18 and 19 and they’ve both just qualified to skate pairs at Junior Worlds for the second year and this year they’re sure to win. They’re in Zuko’s kitchen, baking, and as they’re waiting for the over timer to go off, a slow song comes on. Sokka, in contrast to his norm, is quiet and gentle in the way he offers Zuko his hand and they slow dance in the kitchen with flour in their hair. They’re a little giggly and high on adrenaline but neither are sure who leans in first, only that they are both very much on board with the whole kissing thing. Despite the years of tension, the kiss is tentative and sweet. They begin dating and it only makes their program better. The love they have for each other so clearly pours over into their skating.

This Junior Worlds is the first tike GranGran finally drags the rest of the family by the ear to come and watch Sokka compete and to Zuko’s surprise, he sees Aang and a few of his other friends in the audience. Sokka and Zuko win (to no ones surprise).

Insert sokka family angst and resolve here. Insert zuko family trauma etc here

Sokka and Zuko go om to do more pairs skating things and they live happily ever after etc ete

I ran out of steam there but its 3:10 in the morning and i started at 1:51. Hope you enjoyed, this has been 2 am thoughts with Lydia.

* i did minimal research here, be proud

** same thing but even less this fime

[venusvity]

정윤아 … …  (  I HAVE KNOWN.  )

❝If I got rid of my demons, I’d lose my angels.❞                         ―  Tennessee Williams, Conversations With Tennessee Williams

CHARACTERS :   JUNG YOONAH …   KANG JUWON …   SON JINHWA

WORDS : 3.7K

WARNINGS / NOTES : Therapy. Mentions of Murder, Depression, and PTSD. Abusive and weird obsessive boss. Discussions of an abusive relationship. If I missed something let me know! This piece is old, I've reworked it, and am really pleased with how it turned out! I believe this would take place in either 2019/2020 but this is set in the past! I just wanted to put it back into the universe :) Thank you so much for reading! rbs, comments, and asks are always appreciated ♡

“Do you want to be here, Yoonah?”

Yoonah looks around the therapist’s office, sighing through her button nose before nodding.

“Yeah.”

Doah’s pen skates across her notepad, causing Yoonah’s eyes to fall down to it. She barely said anything, why is she writing?

“Are you in a relationship right now?”

Yoonah has to think about it. She thinks about it for a few beats, eyes scanning over the door as she waits for the words to come to her. Doah waits. Even if Yoonah doesn’t speak, she gets paid. She’ll let her take her time.

“Yeah, I’m seeing…men.”

“How many men?”

A pause.

“One,” Yoonah looks towards the window now, “And a half.”

“And a half?”

Yoonah smiles towards the door where outside sits a man, waiting for his appointment to start. He’s different from the boys she usually talks to. When they were in the waiting room, he talked to her passionately about the book he was reading, she doesn’t remember what book but she remembers the beaming smile on his face when talking about it. His name is Juwon. He’s in a band. He’s a vocalist and plays bass. Yoonah likes him. She wants to spend more time with him.

“I’m working on one.” Her words make Doah chuckle through her nose, writing that down before looking up and at Yoonah.

“And the one you’re not working on?”

“Jinhwa.” It’s a simple answer, causing Doah to nod. She writes the names down but never looks away from Yoonah. 

“And would you consider that a healthy relationship?”

Yoonah opens her mouth to say something but nothing comes out. It takes her a second, staring out the window, counting the droplets of rain that hit it. She gets to fifteen before she finally has an answer.

“Not really.”

Doah nods, jotting that down.

“Let’s start there,” Doah hums, finally, putting her pen down. Yoonah feels like a weight is lifted when the pen is put down. She swallows, looking towards the door again, shifting in her seat. She hates talking about herself, her problems, her relationships, all she’s been through, she hates it all. It feels so selfish.

“Why don’t you think that relationships is healthy, Yoonah?”

Yoonah takes a deep breath through her nose, looking up now before back at the gold doorknob.

“Jinhwa…is my boss,” Doah’s writing again, it’s making Yoonah’s fingers twitch, picking at her ripped jeans. “But he loves me. I love him too. I’m not dumb though. I know, like, fucking your boss won’t have, like, the best relationship dynamic.” She’s talking more but it’s to defend herself, to defend Jinhwa. She’s fighting a one-sided battle because Doah doesn’t say anything, just nods.

“But I’m a grown woman. I can make my own choices and I want to be with him even if it is inappropriate. I don’t care,” Yoonah continues, still fighting a battle with no competitor. It’s like she’s arguing with herself but not really. Doah nods, tilting her head at Yoonah.

Doah nods, hooded eyes scanning over Yoonah’s appearance, motioning to her own hair with her pen.

“Is that why you cut your hair? Because of something he did?”

Yoonah looks down at the now decent-sized hole in her jeans, swallowing when she thinks of what she deems the first domino. It wasn’t all Jinhwa’s fault, she had been spiraling for a while at that point, sure, they were getting bad again but there were other things that contributed to her tipping point.

“No,” She sounds uncertain because she is. Did she chop her hair off because truly hated her reflection or did she chop her hair off because she wanted Jinhwa’s attention? As she thinks harder about it, she doesn’t know. “I don’t know.”

“Yoonah, do you feel safe around Jinhwa?”

“Sometimes,” She hates how fast she answers and she hates how uncertain she sounds. She’s a good liar, she knows she is, but she’s never been so backed into a corner in her life.

“And when do you not feel safe?”

Silence. Longer than normal.

“Does he hits you?” Doah prods. Yoonah crosses her arms across her chest.

“I don’t care if he hits me.”

“So he does hit you?”

“No,” Yoonah pauses, “He’ll grab me sometimes.”

“Is that when you feel unsafe?”

“Sometimes.” She’s answering quickly now, out of spite. She’s mad. She doesn’t want to be here, she doesn’t want to talk about her life or relationships with a stranger, she doesn’t want to do it.

“What does he do when he grabs you?” Doah asks, raising her brows. Yoonah decides she’s talking too much, giving Doah too much ammo like this is some war and not a therapy appointment but she keeps going. This is the one place she feels like she could keep going and never face any repercussions.

“He yells at me.”

“What does he say when he yells at you?” There’s a silence between them where the women just stare at each other, one tapping her pen while the other digs her nails into her own sides.

Jinhwa only yells at her when she “goes off the deep end” or whatever he calls it when Yoonah starts expressing her emotions to him. She’s never been good at expressing her emotions even when she was a child her mother would tell her stories of the hour-long fits Yoonah would have because she didn’t get what she want or because she didn’t understand something.

“He…He just yells at me. I don’t know.” Yoonah sounds smaller, looking down at the ugly grey carpet.

“When does he yell at you? What leads up to that?” Doah asks, her brows softening, giving her a more compassionate look. 

Beneath the facade she’s built, Yoonah’s heart is gentle. She is kind and cares for others even when their best interest is to her detriment.

Yoonah shrugs. She doesn’t want to do this anymore. She doesn’t feel say talking about Jinhwa like this. It feels like he’ll find out what she’s saying and use it against her. The silence is thick and long between the pair. Doah looks up at the clock with a sigh

“I’ll see you next week.” They still have 30 minutes left in their session but Yoonah always left early. It’s not her dime this is on. She doesn’t care. She leaves without a second thought. Doah knows she’ll be back, she always comes back, this is mandated by her company, Yoonah has to come back if she wants to keep doing her job.

Yoonah walks down the hallway and into the waiting room where she hopes to maybe see Juwon before she leaves but it’s an empty room. It makes her sigh, pressing the back of her hand against her teary eyes as she quickly walks out of the office and towards the black car that waits out front for her.

SESSION 002

Juwon is a beautiful boy. He had big black eyes and short black hair that looked silky to the touch. He has a famous face she’s seen before, she knows he’s in that group with that boy in it. Juwon hasn’t spoken much about his group or his friends for that matter, she doesn’t even know if he’s friends with the boys in his group.

He mainly talks about his family. His father more specifically and how he wasn’t a nice man before he passed. Yoonah tells him that he can meet her dad one day, her dad is nice to everyone and would love to meet Juwon.

Yoonah likes Juwon. She likes him a lot.

“He sounds…insufferable,” Junwo laughs, shaking his head as Yoonah nods.

“He is.”

Juwon looks amused but bewildered, brows furrowing at her response.

“And you’re still with him?” Juwon asks, causing Yoonah to think for a few beats, looking up before shrugging.

“We’re, like, still together. We sleep with other people a lot.” She doesn't mention that Jinhwa doesn't know about most of them.

“Who have you slept with?” Juwon asks, genuinely curious. His curiosity makes her laugh again.

"A couple of people..." Yoonah sings jokingly, laughing to herself as flashes of people she's slept with appear in her head. She can't remember their names, but she remembers how their lips tasted.

Juwon makes an amused sound at that, laughing softly as he looks down at the book in his lap.

“You’re very interesting, Yoonah,” Juwon tells her, making her smile sweetly. Interesting. She can’t remember the last time she’s been called interesting. It makes her chest warm.

“You’re wasting your time with that guy, Jihan?”

“Jinhwa.”

“Ah,” Juwon doesn’t seem interested in his name, “Men like that don’t change. Don’t waste your time.”

Yoonah learns more and more she hates when anyone who aren’t herself talks about Jinhwa. They never have anything good to say, they just tell her to leave. She gets it. She’s just tired of hearing it.

“I know,” Yoonah answers dryly, causing Juwon to look up at meet her gaze. They lock eyes for a few beats before Yoonah raises her brows, unimpressed. “All men are like that though.”

Juwon shrugs, not moved.

“Yeah, maybe, but not all men will have you mother their child,” Juwon says simply, brows raising as well as if he’s mimicking her. It makes Yoonah laugh through her nose, looking down at her hands, and sighing softly. She hates it when people are right about Jinhwa. She hates being wrong in general. 

“Got me there,” Yoonah says as she kicks the agergous looking carpet under her feet. She looks up at Juwon once again. Neither of their therapists had come out yet. It makes her brain spark to life, biting the inside of her cheek as she smiles.

“We should leave.”

“Leave?” Juwon repeats. Yoonah nods.

“Yeah, we can walk somewhere.”

“But our managers–”

“We come back before they come,” Yoonah shrugs. It’s clear she lives more on the edge that Juwon does. She stands, putting her hands out to him, smiling sweetly. “It’ll be fun! We can be each other’s therapists.”

Juwon laughs up at her, smiling. He’s beautiful when he smiles, Yoonah thinks as she fights the urge to take his face into her palms.

Juwon hesitantly takes her hands into his, standing up.

“Let’s go.”

SESSION 003

“Tell me about your childhood,” Yoonah says as she and Juwon sit in a meadow adjacent to the park that's a few blocks away from their therapists’ building. Juwon laid his jacket down for her to sit on. He’s a true gentleman in Yoonah’s opinion.

Juwon’s eyes widen as his brows go up, sighing and shaking his head.

“Um, not great,” Juwon starts, laughing softly as he picks at a blade of grass. He tears the blade of grass to shreds. “I had a sister. She died when I was four. That’s when my mom said my dad started,” he twirls his finger next to his head, shaking his head, “Losing it. She thinks he blames himself for her death. It was a car crash and he was driving, so, I bet he did but he never talked about it. He was just…fucking mean,” Juwon shrugs, plucking another green blade of grass. Yoonah rubs her lips together as he speaks, watching his fingers nimbly move against the blade of grass, shredding it to pieces.

“Is he why you’re going to therapy?” Yoonah wonders, causing Juwon to scoff, shaking his head.

“No. My company said I needed to after what I saw,” Juwon says like she should know what he’s seen. She does know. All of Korea knows. It’s tragic and she can’t imagine going through what Juwon went through. Juwon shrugs. “And they’re right. That’s not a…Not a normal thing to see.”

A pause.

“It really does mess with your brain. ‘Seeing someone die,” Juwon adds, like he’s acknowledged his own trauma for the first time. “I honestly thought I was doing fine until my company stepped in.”

“What were you doing to make them step in?” Yoonah wonders, still watching his hands. She wants to hold them but she doesn’t reach towards him, not yet.

Juwon shrugs.

“I just…slept all day. I just laid there like I was in a coma or something,” She looks up when he speaks, looking at his face to see his sad gaze. He has naturally sad eyes, she thinks. It makes her reach over, taking his hand into hers, offering him a smile when he looks up at her.

“Now look at you,” Yoonah beams, causing him to smile lightly, looking over her soft features. “You’re sitting in a meadow with a pretty girl, talking about your life,” Juwon laughs softly at her words, head dropping as he squeezes her hand, nodding.

“‘Making great progress,” Juwon jokes, plucking one of those little white weed flowers, and putting it out to her. Yoonah smiles at the flower and then at Juwon, taking it in and putting it behind her ear still smiling.

She feels good.

SESSION 006

“You haven’t made any moves on me.”

Juwon looks up from his book and out into the endless dancing sea of grass they sat in before looking down at Yoonah, who lay in his lap.

“Do you want me to make moves on you?” The man asks, moving his hands out and to the sides so nothing is obstructing his view of her. Yoonah looks up at him with those soft round eyes she whips out every once in a while to keep men on their toes. It does the trick every time, making Juwon smile down at her softly.

Yoonah shrugs.

“Yeah.”

Juwon chuckles at the simplicity of her answer, folding the corner of the page before shutting his book and setting it down next to him, tapping her shoulders. She pushes herself up to where she’s sitting in a similar criss-crossed position as him, turning herself around to face the boy with the soft brown eyes. 

Now Juwon is the one with the soft gaze, staring at Yoonah like she’s some goddess sent from above. It makes her smile brighter, putting her hands out in the space between them for him to take. It takes him a second but he slowly reaches out, slotting his fingers between hers’.

“Feels like forever since I’ve held a girl’s hand,” Juwon tells her which makes her giggle softly, looking at their hands then back at his face.

“Really?”

“Yeah, we used to be…really busy so I just,” His thumb runs over the back of her hand, smiling fondly as he squeezes her smaller hands, “Never had the time.”

“Oh my god,” Yoonah leans forward, causing Juwon to raise his brows curiously, “Are you a virgin?” She whispers, half joking half serious. It makes Juwon’s jaw drop, scoffing then laughing at her, looking minorly offended.

“No! Oh my god––Yoonah, I went to college, you know?” His eyes are wide and he’s talking passionately, smile clear as she giggles at nearly every word he says. “I’ve had sex. God, I’m twenty-six. That’d be embarrassing.”

“You’re twenty-six?” Yoonah asks in shock. She thought he was her age. He isn’t far off but still, he looks young for his age. Juwon nods, humming.

“Almost twenty-seven,” He adds, looking her over before nodding, squeezing their hands again. “How old are you?”

“Twenty-three,” Yoonah answers simply, tilting her head at him before her eyes drop to their hands as she pulls them to her chest, over her heartbeat. Juwon watches her move their hands with a small smile before his eyes go back to her face. “I turn twenty-four in July though.”

Juwon nods, humming.

“We’ll have to celebrate.”

“Yeah?” Yoonah quips, making Juwon chuckle softly, nodding.

“I’ll take you out. Get you a balloon.”

“Just one?”

Juwon laughs again, deciding to be a bit bold and pulling her hands to his lips, kissing her knuckles. Yoonah smiles at the sweet action, her heart beating a bit faster when he holds their hands to his chest now. She can feel his heart beating. It’s beating fast but the rhythm is relaxing.

“I’ll get you twenty-four of them,” Juwon says, making Yoonah bat her lashes at him. He’s so sweet, so pure, Yoonah can’t stop herself from thinking she’s in love with him.

Maybe she is. She isn’t sure yet.

THE OFFICE.

Jinhwa clears his throat as Yoonah sits across his desk, looking down at her phone in her lap. She looks up a few seconds later, smiling at him before raising her brows at him. Jinhwa looks her over, a soft smile on his face before he looks down with a sigh.

“You haven’t gone to the last three of your sessions.”

Doah is such a bitch, Yoonah thinks but her face doesn’t falter, she just keeps smiling at him. She looks like he hand-picked the stars and put them in the sky himself. It works on every man she’s involved herself with.

“I don’t–”

“I’m not stupid, Yoonah. I know you’re leaving with that boy,” He taps the side of his head, “the disturbed one.”

“Don’t talk about him like that.” Yoonah snaps. There’s a defensiveness she carries for Juwon. He isn’t disturbed. He’s just depressed. She wonders if it’s their age difference or if Jinhwa thinks he’s a psycho. Jinhwa’s from a different time, she gets it, but she doesn’t care. The man sighs, putting up his hands in faux surrender.

“Whatever. Either way, he’s interfering with your treatment–”

“He’s not. I make him leave with me.”

A silence. Jinhwa sighs.

“I’m switching your appointments from five to three,” Jinhwa dismisses simply. Yoonah doesn’t argue, just sighs through her nose. There’s no use in arguing, just grin and bear it, Yoonah thinks, scratching the side of her wrists.

“And I’m…” Hesitation is never good, it makes Yoonah tense and look up from her hands. 

“I’m putting you on a dating ban. Effective immediately. You’re getting too reckless with the men you pick up.” Jinhwa says as he slides over a piece of paper, dropping a pen in front of her as well. Yoonah looks over the paper with wide, almost frantic eyes, then back at him, her scratching getting harder.

“What?” Yoonah whispers, “What is this?”

Jinhwa sighs again.

“It’s a legal document that says you acknowledge–”

“A contact. You want me to sign a contract?”

Jinhwa clears his throat at being interrupted, it's clear he’s getting agitated but keeps his composure. He knows Yoonah all too well at this point. Her reaction was to be expected.

“–that says you acknowledge you are under a dating ban until you complete your treatments and if you break this agreement,” he points to a block of text that Yoonah doesn’t look at, her hard gaze staying on him and him only, “you and your group will suffer the consequences.”

Yoonah swallows, shaking her head––A soft gasp leaves her lips when she feels a prick on her wrist. Her eyes look down to see a small portion of skin scratched raw, skin pink and shiny. It makes her stomach twist, putting her hand under her thigh with a sigh. She finally shakes her head.

“I don’t want to sign it.” Yoonah says sternly. Jinhwa grunts, he sees that coming. He reaches down, pulling a thick pile of papers out and dropping them in front of her. He flips through them until he’s on at least page twenty, pointing to a highlighted block of text.

“This? Right here?” He’s speaking to her like she’s dumb, voice condescending yet kind. She hates it, the look of content on her face only growing. “Says if you don’t sign anything I want you to sign, you’re in breach of your contract. I’ve been really leanate with you, Yoonah. Because I love you,” His hand is on her cheek now, making her bottom lip tremble slightly, gaze still hard and angry, “And I want what’s best for you. Anyone with a brain would’ve dropped you by now but I haven’t and I won’t. You owe me this one small thing, don’t you think?”

Yoonah turned her head away, sniffling before looking down at the papers that sat on his desk, shaking her head.

“It’s not fair, Jinhwa.” She says quietly, keeping her gaze down. Jinhwa coos at her, petting her black hair softly before taking her cheek back into his hand, stroking her full cheek softly.

“Nothing is, Yoonah.”

He leans back in his chair, taking her original contract off the table and back in his drawer before nodding towards the contact and pen in front of her.

“Just finish your therapy and you go back to seeing your mentally ill boyfriends,” Jinhwa dismisses, waving his hand as Yoonah takes the pen in her hand, sighing. She reads over the contract slowly, really reading over the conditions. She points to the fourth paragraph of text, lips twitching.

“Does this say I can still have relationships just with people inside the company?” Yoonah asks, looking up at Jinhwa. He’s smiling, nodding, hands crossed in his lap.

“Yes. Yeah, it does. It only makes sense.”

“Makes sense?”

“Yeah,” Jinhwa shrugs, “No one knows what happens inside the neighborhood or company building. It’s just easier if you keep your relationships within the company.”

Yoonah stares at him. The gears are turning, making her brows pinch and her head tilt slightly.

“Is…Did you just put that there so we can keep seeing each other?”

Jinhwa shrugs. His intentions are clear in Yoonah’s eyes, leaving an uneasy seed in her stomach. She hates the idea that Jinhwa feels the need to take such measures to control her. She hates that he can take such measures and she just has to go along with it.

She promised her group wouldn’t suffer for her mistakes ever again. She isn’t going to hurt their careers over something so small and trivial. She loves and cares for her girls too much to let that happen––She loves her team too much.

With a deep breath, she puts the pen on the dotted line and lets it glide across the paper in the shape of her name.

[robbyhan]

hi, hello! 🥰 just ryan (h/h, 25+) again introducing you all to yet another muse of mine. i'm probably going to call all of them favs, and i apologize, but this muse... well, he's a lot. my favorite problem child... 😈 his name is robby han! he's the maknae, lead vocal, and lead dancer of newAve, and he's liable to get into a scandal at literally any minute, but he's still here... 🤣 read more below!

1.

robby was born in san diego, ca to a single mom. he has an older brother, too, named jamie. the three of them struggled to stay on their feet for a very long time. his mom was kicked out of the house when she became pregnant with her first-born, and her life hasn't been steady ever since, but she's always worked hard to support her kids. robby gets his work ethic from her. he remembers being mind-numbingly bored at every restaurant his mom worked at to keep their lights on, and he also remembers seeing other kids at his school have way more than he did at the time. from an early age, robby began to view life as unfair, and it manifested in a lot of anger.

he was a hellion. he fought with a lot of his peers, ended up in the principal's often very often, and eventually, got expelled from school. however, around the same time, his mother married a really nice guy—someone who genuinely came into their lives and totally changed it, all for the better. gael was the father figure he needed, and gael's family embraced robby with open arms, as well. what's more is that they were all patient enough to support robby in getting help for his anger issues.

later in life, despite presenting himself as your typical dirtbag alt boy on campus, he discovered a passion for dance. it was first mentioned to him by his therapist as a way to help calm him down; to get in touch with his body in ways that weren't violent. in his opinion, dancing is really what saved his life, and he knew that he needed to do it for as long as his body would allow him to.

with passion and grit, he auditioned for canvas labs and is now a member of their first boy group, newAve. he may be the youngest of the lot, but his personality's not for the faint of heart. overall, he's young and figure himself out; fucking up and learning from mistakes as days go by.

2.

robby han is still a hellion. he's just gained better self-control, at least when it matters. for those who know about astrology, he's a scorpio stellium to the t. mars is also in house 1, making its effects even stronger upon him as an individual. he's combative, and aggressive, and cunning, and passionate, and obsessive, and strong, and sensitive, and everything that encompasses the scorpion, but with a touch of beauty, romance, and balance—a libra venus.

every time i write robby, he cracks me up. he has this way about him that's provocative, shockingly so even, but it's also so cheeky. there's a wink in his tone, a teasing one that lives to taunt and fluster. can he take things a little too far sometimes? yes, and he often does, but he's usually a good sport about people expressing their discomfort with his frequently pervy jokes. sure, he might roll his eyes at you and call you a prude, but he'll stop going there with you. he'll respect that, and he'll even respect you for standing up for yourself like that.

there's a dark side to him, though. he is vindictive, and quarrelsome, and competitive in a way that makes him ruthless when it comes to any competitor. he was likely highly volatile and focused as a trainee, but loosened up once he secured his spot in the group. he's not one who'll refrain from mind games as a self-defense mechanism. as a lover of control, he has no issue controlling other people.

if you're on his good side though, he is fiercely loyal and protective. he's a ride-or-die friend, one whose love is intense and fiery, and as mentioned, it's not for the faint of heart, but it's unrelenting and powerful regardless.

however, if anyone of his loved ones ever betray or burn him, he becomes an exceptionally toxic enemy. you've been warned.

3.

the thing about robby is that he doesn't want a lot of idol friends. he'd much prefer creating a network of "normies" who he can be himself around. he's new to the city, but he does try and get out. i'm shocked he hasn't had a clubbing controversy yet, but to be fair, he's very good at keeping himself hidden. maybe your muse is one of these "normies." he'll appreciate whose "human" and who keeps it real.

robby loves debauchery. he's a bad influence himself, but also appreciates those who are bad influences on him, too. he'd love some partners-in-crime to be debaucherous with.

it's no secret that he's a bit of a "freak" if you know what i mean. he's likely had some recent flings, and some fwbs, etc. he's got needs and he's gonna take care of them. if your muse is his type, this is an option, too.

he'd love other americans/foreigners as friends, too. he has a hard time fully embracing his korean heritage because he didn't really grow up celebrating it. being that he was so close to his (step)dad's family, who are mexican-american, he connects more with them on a cultural level. having others around who speak english and/or spanish would make him feel much more at home.

being as intense as he is, he's likely made a lot of enemies, too, especially in the entertainment industry. that, or even at fan-meets. he's not one that delivers great fan-service. he's called a "savage maknae" by fans because he's cutting and often cold. maybe your muse and him got into some sorta fought. anything's possible.

idk gimme everything! 🥰

[swamp-spirit]

Okay, so I don’t want to wade deep into the Rusty Quill discourse because it is Very Bad for My Mental Health, but I have seen some wild takes about NDAs so I did want to clarify

NDAs can be bad and abusive, but they can also be good and useful. They are perfectly normal and not inherently nefarious.

I’ve seen a couple of takes by people who said they were distressed by hearing about NDAs or hoped they weren’t common, and I think this comes from usually hearing about NDAs when they have been used abusively. NDAs are definitely used to silence victims of both corporate and individual abuse, but they are usually just... pretty normal.

I have spent almost the last decade working under various NDAs, including as a writer. Here are some things NDAs do.

-Protect creative information. As an editor, you’re usually under an NDA to not leak the work of the authors you work with. Anyone on a movie set it probably under NDA not to give out spoilers, from the actors to the caterers. There are just some people in the world who want to be the one to get to tell the media the big plot twist, even if they know it will hurt the rest of the creative team. This also keeps people from leaking ideas to competitors. If your story gets leaked, somebody can make a rip-off version that comes out first, making the original look like the hack.

-Protect sensitive information. This is not quite as relevant here, but is the other main reason I’ve been under NDA’s. The patient confidentiality that means your nurse can’t tell TikTok about your rash? NDA. That means your therapist can’t tell people you hallucinate? NDA. That means your priest can’t tell people about your crush on your best friend’s husband? NDA. Working with people with disabilities, I was under NDA that meant I couldn’t share my clients very personal medical information, and that is GOOD. Less relevant to this situations, but when I see “NDAs = bad“, I worry about that making people support policy that would reduce these protections.

One of the specific cases that’s come up in this was the idea that an employee couldn’t share her layoff via tweet.

If it really was just not letting her say she was fired and begin job hunting, that is weird and bad. Companies using NDAs to cover shitty policy is depressingly normal, but... making people pretend they never got fired would be incredibly strange.

If, however, they wanted her to wait 48 hours so they could talk to other team members in person, that’s totally reasonable. Finding out you’ve lost your job via tweet SUCKS. It might also cause somebody to misunderstand the situation. If they planned to rehire, it’s good if that conversation is had in person rather than letting somebody cry themselves to sleep over a tweet.

NDAs being used to silence employees about ill treatment is a valid concern, but NDAs existing is not evil. Pretty much any collaborative creative project with a legal team is going to have some level of NDA.

Thankfully, the article didn’t seem to mention the really gross situation of somebody being silenced about interpersonal abuse via NDA, so the main concern is corporate failings being covered up by NDA.

If this is something you really want to dig into (which like, for your mental health, maybe don’t), I’d recommend looking into what you’re concerned about. For example,making employees agree not to talk about the companies finances IS legal, but refusing to let employees disclose their own salaries is NOT. (which like, I won’t claim means nobody would ever put a salary NDA in a contract, because companies do illegal shit all the time) Rusty Quill also claimed their financial records are public, so you can go look into those if you really want.

But please do not panic just because NDAs are involved.

[smimon]

Omg asking asks, am grabbing this opportunity 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀:

🍫 If you don’t like cheese (will you give me yours or are you a fellow cheese enthusiast?)

🦋🌿🎵📷💌🙃🍪

🐶 dog or kitty 👀👀👀👀

🌸 tell me about your biggest compliment 👀👀👀

🐰

Sorry this is a bit much but I highlighted the ones you need to answer 👀👀👀👀👀👀😸 no pressure tho

Hiii thanks for the ask! Are you ready?! This got a bit long so follow below XD Let's goooo

🍫 Cheese or chocolate? - Cheese wins big time! I love all kinds of cheese and trying new cheese varieties! Unfortunately cheese isn't good for me and I can only eat fairly small amounts 😔 (small compared to what I would prefer, it's still more than average person lol) so after I try a bit of the cheese you can have the rest 😁

🦋 Describe yourself in three words. - Tough one! Should it be three separate words or a three-word sentence? Whatever. Maybe something like "artist", "stubborn", and of course "silly" 🤡

🌿 Describe your favorite outfit. - Okay in general I am not a fan of having an appearance and I feel the best when wearing cosplay, my favorite costume so far is White/Hilda from Pokemon Black and White 😁 But if I have to choose something more casual then it probably would be teal turtleneck, black waistcoat, grey skinny trousers and black boots 🤗 I'll see how I feel about my Berlin gig outfit but I haven't worn it yet so it doesn't count xD

🎵 Last song you listened to? - Mic Mac! 🙌🙌🙌🙌

📷 What’s set as your phone’s lockscreen? - Boo! My phone's settings are broken and I cannot choose any photo outside the default gallery! Boo! But I imagine it's this one:

💌 Do you talk to yourself? - It seems so! I only noticed like last month. Must be a side effect of isolation. And sometimes at work, when I'm very busy, I might start singing 😂 but I stop as soon as I notice lol

🙃 What’s a weird fact that you know? - Barnacles might look like molluscs, but they are actually crustaceans! The outer shell is formed from their foreheads and inside there is a little guy that looks like a shrimp 😁

🍪 If you were a cookie, what kind would you be? - Maybe a French macaron because I tend to be pretentious and difficult 😂

🐶 Are you more of a dog person or a cat person? - CATS ONLY! In this house we love and respect God's perfect predators 😤

🌸 Best compliment you ever received? - Oh shit I am so very bad at taking compliments 🙈 I guess there are two strong competitors. First, when my therapist of all people told me that I am doing well at university since I never failed an exam despite studying a difficult field. It made me feel proud because before that I only focused on how much I struggled. And the second one, when a certain someone asked me if they can get my art as a tattoo 👀🙈

🐰 What do you think says the most about a person? - I am not good at reading people, but I think you can tell quite a lot from how a person treats animals, especially cats. Will they mostly care about not getting fur all over them, will they play with the animal and show some feelings, will they maybe take a photo to show to their loved ones? I find that fairly interesting.

That would be it! Hope you are satisfied 😁 thank you for the ask! 🫡🥹🥹🥹🤗🤗🤗

[the-navistar-carol]

I am now here for the shit-talking about working with someone else on a fanfic.

I need distractions anyways (although I teach in 20min, it will give you time)

Alrighty. Buckle up. LONG POST AHEAD.

I mean that. This post is long as fuck. It spans YEARS.

I first met this person — let’s call her Cass — on Discord, in one of the Maribat Discord servers. I hit it off rather well with her, but where our friendship really grew was in an offshoot server, of a Miraculous RP server under the premise is “everything is the same except no canon characters exist” — full sandbox! Free reign for all characters. It was great.

I won’t toot my own horn about my own characters, I do that too much on main already. (Someone ask me about them. Please.) But, to summarize the main two characters I’ll be talking about, I’ll explain Valérie Levi and Aidan Fierro.

Valérie Levi started out as the typical anxious bookworm who likes handcrafts. Upon first glance, she seemed to be the side character, especially in comparison with her best friend, Jamie Lee (again, ask me). But when she discovered the Sea Lion Miraculous (OC) and, at the same time, found out that the rest of the War Box (OC) was being kept by this RP’s version of Hawkmoth, she had no real choice but to don the Miraculous and fight akumas. The Sea Lion’s items were a pair of tonfa, so it forced her to make plans as well as be on her own front lines. Her planning skills (as well as me being one of the main constant RPers) eventually got her to the position of Team Leader, which she had a lot of impostor syndrome about.

(I wrote an essay about this, unprompted. I love Valérie.)

SIDE TANGENT: the War Box was engineered so that each kwami would be used for some purpose of combat, which is why the Sea Lion gave Valérie tonfa instead of a toy. The Lion, Sea Lion, and the Praying Mantis were front-line fighters; the Snow Leopard was a scout; the Cobra was a spy; the Dove could orchestrate a safe and neutral ground; and the Basilisk, made to counter the canon box’s Dragon, was their general and last-ditch effort of scorched-earth fighting.

Aidan Fierro was supposed to be a one-off character. He was akumatized for taking competition too seriously, and then when I got attached, he joined my merry crew of OCs. He was a jiu-jitsu competitor, which gave him common ground with Jamie Lee, and had his own cast of friends: Nagihiko Fujisaki, Colin Strami, Victor Guzman, and Tina Zaipe. He had his own issues, such as daddy issues (being the child of a single mom whose father left) and abandonment issues.

Cass’ main characters, Peter and Salia Reyes, were twins. Peter became the holder of the Tiger Miraculous, and Salia became the holder of the Raven Miraculous (OC). I won’t get too much into their characters, but Aidan and Salia started dating and there was an effort to get Valérie and Peter on the same page.

Remember how I said Valérie had a personal connection to the RP’s Hawkmoth (Yanluo) because he had the rest of her kwami’s Miracle Box? Her kwami only became hers because she escaped.

Peter and Salia’s mother, this rich Arabic woman, came into possession of the Spirit Box (OC).

SIDE TANGENT: my Lion Miraculous was originally the Bear Miraculous, which is why there’s that weird repetition. Cass’ Spirit Box, made after my War Box, was based off of Native American iconography, and it had the Bear, the Raven, the Beaver, the Deer, the Falcon, and the Owl. I changed my Bear to be a Lion so there wouldn’t be any conflict between our Boxes. She did not warn me about this.

Peter and Salia ventured alone on their own personal mission to get this Box back from their evil mother, and wound up getting their souls zapped for a bit before they died, came back, and then took the box and ran. Basically. I’m not even sure about what happened. After that, Peter and Salia obviously needed help. Treatment. From a therapist. Anyone.

Valérie and Aidan, who both had their own troubles and plotlines — one of them facing anxiety over being the team lead and having a personal connection to the server VILLAIN (the latter being a server-wide plan, she was not facing this guy alone) and the other not understanding why Salia left for like two weeks — became the shoulders for Peter and Salia to lean on.

She created this character, Melanie, because she liked my characterization of Colin (think gentle giant, basically), and wanted the “traumatized x therapist” ship. That’s beside the point of Valérie and Aidan, but still in the same vein.

(The server died before I could give all my characters the resolutions they needed. I keep them in my mental memory crate and unfurl the wires every so often.)

At the same time, Cass and I were writing fanfiction together. That is where every fic on my Ao3 with an orphaned account next to it comes from. I co-wrote then with her. DC. Star Wars. BNHA — though that one was never posted. The same thing was happening: her characters held the narrative weight and mine were supports.

Ria Myles was my character in the Tim Drake fic. I had so much more planned for her than being the supporting character! She was going to get electric powers, she was going to be the vigilante known as Switchboard, she was going to have her own arcs! Her own romance!

In our BNHA fic, my character, Imai Ketsuko, was going to have a friends-to-lovers arc with Sero Hanta, because he was one of my favorites at the time. Ketsuko had self-worth issues because of how her Quirk affected her body (ask me) and how her hands became so damaged in their nerves, to the point where she could not feel her hands. It was going to be this great plotline of overcoming her own mental issues and becoming a better person!

But Cass’ character (one who also had body issues stemming from her Quirk, mind you) got the rivals-to-lovers arc with Bakugo. Ketsuko’s older brother, Imai Katsuo, was this pro hero at another (OC) agency? She got to go do a work-study at that agency and bond with him and my other hero OCs. (I have a list. Ask me.) She got all the advice, all the support, and when this super-dangerous villain who her mother, another pro hero, took down — when he got out of prison, she got the hero moment of fighting him and taking him down! When she was injured due to that, she got the pep-talks from everyone else.

Cass’ characters got everything.

I didn’t notice this for years. I did not realize this, fully realize this, for years.

Why?

Because she seemed just as excited as I was. She was in my DMs, keysmashing and all-caps-ing and raving right alongside me about just how cool our ideas were! Never mind that I did most of the writing, because she was creating ideas with me! She was just as excited as I was, for RP, for writing, for planning — all of it. We even had a plan to make a webcomic together with a soulmate AU for Aidan and Salia. I was someone safe, someone she could vent to when her siblings were too much to handle or her friends weren’t genuine. I sent her Christmas gifts and she sent me handmade earrings.

And then she vanished. Not literally. Not yet. She just… became quieter. There was no enthusiasm, no keysmash, no all-caps. I tried asking, multiple times, if there was something wrong. I wanted to help her! I wanted to be a shoulder for her like I’d done so many times before!

But when she said everything was fine, with that text-tone that says that the typer did not want to talk about it, I stopped prying. And she stopped texting. There was no huge blow-up. No huge argument. Just… slow realizations and slowly, two girls drifted away from a friendship over multiple years — one with a bit more vitriol than before.

I follow her jewelry business on Instagram. She’s doing fine. Sometimes she replies to my stories, but that hasn’t happened in years. I still wear the earrings she gave me. I plan on rewriting that Star Wars fic we wrote together, I still remember the plans we had for that.

But I will never write with her again.

[delfisthoughts]

You Don't Really Get It.

I have been sitting on this, these thoughts for a long time and I think maybe it’s time for me to let it all out. I will say this is inspired by this incredible piece (please go read it). Everyone knows being a woman in esports is difficult, but no one really tells you just how hard it is. It goes deeper than denied opportunities, lower pay, and being rejected in favor of men less qualified than you. It’s more than just misogynistic sentiment among players and staff. It’s more than just people thinking you can’t do it purely because of your gender. It’s about you, as a person. Who are you at your core? Who am I?

Hi, I’m Gia-an and I go by Delfino or Delfi online. I was born in Georgia but go to school in Florida and I’m majoring in business management. My pronouns are she/her. I love playing video games. I started playing pokemon and Wii games, and that eventually morphed into PC and Switch games. I first played League of Legends in September of 2020 when my older sister introduced me to the game. We both got into League Esports when we found out there was a black pro player. From there, I was hooked. So hooked, in fact, that I started creating content. First, it was silly video edits, then I started a podcast with my friends. We didn’t really know how big NAmen would get, we just wanted to create something fun about the passion we all shared.

The more I get into the scene, the more frustrated and disillusioned I become. Being a woman in a majority-male space is something I’m actually not accustomed to. My friend group IRL is mostly girls, NAmen is majority-female, and in high school, my class was pretty evenly split. I came into the scene knowing that it was majority male. I’d been in the Smash scene prior and I knew what it could be like. But honestly, I’d never thought it could be this bad.

I’m not high elo. I’m a Gold 4 peaker. I don’t know what it’s like to be a competitor in the scene, and I don’t want to speak for any of my friends or any woman that has competed in League. However, based on the things I’ve been told, it’s extremely difficult. As a woman, all eyes are on you. Whether you play up to par or not, whether you’re competitive or not, the attention on you is draining. It’s difficult to have your accomplishments belittled and your failures put under a microscope. There are many reasons that women don’t tend to go pro in esports, and lack of talent and ability is not one of them.

I’m going to move on to the fan perspective. I’m a fan. When I like something, I like it a lot. My therapist calls it hyperfixation. The way I show my appreciation for players is through fun edits, organizing hashtags for their birthdays, and other small things to make them feel loved by their fans. I came from kpop fandom. Though I wasn’t as involved with NCT and Red Velvet as I am with LCS, I picked up on the things fans do for their favorite idols and brought some of them to LCS fandom. It’s been hard. In kpop, fan votes, fun edits, and trending hashtags are normal, and in LCS, there’s none of that. Oftentimes, the fandom feels dead unless there’s something negative to talk about. This isn’t the most difficult part. It’s the response to the things my friends and I do.

So often, my tweets are met with replies like “you’re mentally ill” or “this is parasocial”. I think the people replying don’t understand the perspective of fandom from a girl. For so long, the only type of fandom the LCS has ever seen is so overwhelmingly traditionally male that other voices never shine through. Though these replies are annoying, it’s just random people I don’t care about so I just block them and move on. What hurts more is when people I know, who I genuinely think are well-meaning, say things like “oh that’s cool, but I could never do that” or “this is one of your kpop things isn't it?” Not only does it come off as condescending, it’s dismissive. I understand that kpop-style content isn't for everybody. Not everyone wants to contribute to a hashtag or write a note for their fav when he’s feeling sick or whatever, I get it. But to dismiss everything we — no, I — do as “kpop content that’s not made for a larger audience” is extremely disingenuous.

Much of the early LCS content is similar to the things we’re doing now. How is a Sneaky/Meteos funny moment compilation different from the Jojospired being best friends compilation? Why is one video considered nostalgic old LCS while the other is considered “content not made for me”? Is it because one of them is made by someone who has publicly declared that they are a woman? Why was my soloq tracking considered content “not made for everyone”, when teams themselves were doing it too? When every tweet I made about it did got insane interaction? Why are female displays of admiration looked down upon? Why are they considered different (in a bad way)? Why do I feel the need to preface nearly all of my fan content in a joking manner? Why can my content not be taken seriously?

Growing up as a girl involves a lot of shame. We’re shamed for thinking certain things, doing certain things, wearing this that or the other. Womanhood is deeply rooted in shame. Look at the trends. It’s “remove buccal fat” this or “anti-wrinkle straw” that. I thought I was used to feeling shame. Nothing on earth could’ve prepared me for esports. Feeling shame for existing. Feeling shame for expressing my admiration and appreciation for players. Feeling shame for saving pictures of my favs. Feeling shame for damn near everything I do. It’s exhausting.

Another thing that bothers me a lot is the idea that I think about players in a sexual context. This happens to my friends too, Elaine especially, but it happens to me far too often. I’ve made so many statements to clarify that no, I don't ship players and no, I don't think of players in an nsfw way. I can’t count the number of times that I’ve said this. And yet I still get moments like these,

in response to simply sending a collection of pictures featuring my favorite players. It’s not just from distant acquaintances either. Recently, someone I consider a decently close friend implied that I was thinking explicit thoughts about a player. This was after I had made multiple statements, both publically and privately about how these types of “jokes” made me uncomfortable. It just brought into perspective the title of this blog. You will never get it.

Before this section, I want to say that this is not accusatory. The “you” in this sense is not directed at any single person reading this.

You will never understand what it’s like to be a woman in this space. You will never understand how frustrating it is to be condescended to, how demeaning it is to have people’s first assumption about you be that you want to have sex with the players you admire. You won’t — can’t — understand how much garbage I get in my dms, how afraid I am to put my face on the internet, how tired I am of people implying that the only reason I got into LCS is that I want to sleep with players. It’s disgusting when someone implies that I would “jump Tenacity” — that I would assault someone if given the chance. My existence as a fan — as a person — goes far beyond what box people want to put me into and I’m sick of having to fit in that box. I’m sick of being talked to as if I’m a dumb child that doesn’t understand anything. I’m sick of those same people turning around and sexualizing me as if the only thing I think about when it comes to my favorite players is what they’re like in bed. I’m fucking exhausted. I hear comments about how NAmen “objectify” or “sexualize” players because we call them cute or think they’re attractive. Never in my life have I thought of a player as a sexual object. I’m tired of every little comment I make being taken out of context.

You will never understand that the profiles website was never made for personal gain, it was made out of love for our players. You would never understand how much we do to keep up with our favorite players. Searching through hundreds of Korean soloq accounts, following players across regions, waking up at 4 am because our favorite player is halfway across the world. We support these boys 1000000% and it’s painful to see our support get belittled.

This kind of turned into a rant, but I’m tired. Many of my friends feel the same way. Our love, our passion, has been constantly diminished and demeaned purely for the fact that it's different. The way we appreciate the LCS and our players is different, and because it’s different, it’s wrong. The things people say about us behind our backs are vile. The things people say to our faces hurt even more. All of us love the LCS and we only want to see it thrive.

Disclaimer: This post was not made to drag anyone, it’s just an expression of my thoughts. If you took it personally, well, hit dogs holler right?

[lavenderfloower]

Leon x Therapist!Reader

Leon realized he needed therapy because the title of champion isn't easy. It's a lot of stress. The league pays for therapy for some of it's high ranking competitors and gym leaders. The league sent Leon to a therapist named Y/n L/n. Leon was riding his Charizard to the address he was given. He got lost in the woods. He was walking around until he heard a woman's voice and started walking towards it.

"Hello?" She called out and Leon stepped into her gaze

"Hey umm I'm kinda lost I'm looking for a person named Y/n L/n do you happen to know who she is and where I can find her?" Leon asked

"Oh! That's me I saw your Charizard fly over and your purple hair and I also happen to know you don't have the best sense of direction" Y/n put out her hand for Leon to shake and Leon gave her a firm handshake.

"How did you know?" Leon asked

"My brother talks about you a lot" Y/n explained

"Oh now I remember where I've seen your face you're Raihan's sister" Leon remembered her and Raihan talking at their battle a few weeks ago.

"So he invited you too the battle a while back" Leon asked

"Yeah we're really close, I'm glad to have a brother like him but he is a bit competitive" Y/n told him smiling

"Trust me I know" Leon deadpanned

"We should probably go inside and get started" Y/n suggested

Y/n led Leon to her little cottage that was surrounded by a vivasous garden and tons of pokemon.

"Are these pokemon yours?" Leon asked

"Nope they just hang out around my place and I feed them but they're wild" Y/n explained

"Cool"

Y/n let him in and asked him to sit down. She got him tea and sat down in another chair.

"So Leon the reason you're here is completely between me and you and only you can change that and eventually I want you to feel comfortable enough to talk to me openly" Y/n started explaining things to him

"Alright" Leon complied

"So if I may ask why you felt the need to come her" Y/n asked

"Oh well being champion is sometimes stressful and I feel like I can't talk to anybody about it because they wouldn't understand. I'm number 1 in the world and it scares me a bit" Leon ranted to Y/n and Y/n began taking notes

"Are you scared because you don't know how to get stronger because there's no one you know of ahead of you that you can surpass?"

"Yeah that's exactly how I feel!" Leon exclaimed

Y/n softly laughed at his reaction.

"Man you must be really good at this therapist thing" Leon complimented

"Why thank you Leon that's very sweet of you" Y/n thanked him for his kind compliment and smiled at him.

Something about Y/n's smile just made Leon want to see more of her.

"So Leon want to go play with the pokemon in the garden?" Y/n asked

"Of course"

The two walked out to the garden and all the pokemon immediately flocked around Y/n. Leon slightly laughed because she looked cute surrounded by pokemon. (im sure all my readers are cute cant change my mind dont try).

"Are all pokemon this fond of you miss Y/n" Leon asked

"Well no... ive been attacked a handful of times trying to help an injured pokemon but nothing too bad" Y/n said moving her way to Leon with the wild pokemon still at her feet making her trip into him. Luckily he caught her.

"I'm so sorry Leon" Y/n apologized

"Oh no its fine I understand and no one was hurt right?" Leon said making Y/n look down at her feet to check for any injured pokemon

"I dont think so" Y/n smiled

Y/n and Leon spent the rest of the day playing around. In the end Leon wanted to see more of her and he felt so much better just from being around her. Leon eventually had to leave.

"See you next time Leon please be safe going home" Y/n told him

"Thanks Y/n"

The next couple of months Leon went to therapy and he felt better and better each time. Y/n was a kind and caring soul and Leon loved that. So he was going to confess his love for her. He somehow remembered the way to her house. When he landed Y/n was already outside watering plants.

"Hey Y/n" Leon greeted

"Hi Leon" Y/n replied walking up to him and his Charizard

"Its nice to see you again" Leon smiled

"Yesh it's nice to see you too it's always nice to see you" Y/n said

"I'm glad to hear that because I have an important question for you" Leon said while getting off of his Charizard

"Y/n the fee months we've known each other have been absolutely amazing and learning more about myself and you have been really fun. So what I'm asking is if maybe you'd be my girlfriend?" Leon asked taking his cap off

"Oh of course Leon I'm actually really glad you asked because I feel the exact same" Y/n replied taking one of his hands in hers.

Leon and Y/n gave each other a tight hug until they heard a loud gasp.

"Y/n! what on earth are you doing?!" Raihan exclaimed walking out of her cottage

"I told you I had a patient today Raihan" Y/n told Raihan

"Not that Leon just asked you out and you didn't say a word to me?" Raihan said in a very jokingly sassy tone

Y/n laughed at Raihan and smiled at Leon

[beybladeninja]

Ninjago OCs from my Beyblade Burst x Ninjago fanfic (part 4/5)

Age: 17

Right Eye Color: Red

Left Eye Color: Black

Hair Color: Black

Family Lineage: Descended from Faith

First Appearance: First Realm and Beyond

Likes:

Training

His brother Benny

Throwing anything he can hold

Dislikes:

Bullies

Slackers

Dull weapons

Backstory:

Ever since Billy was old enough to hold something without dropping it, he was able to throw anything and everything with exact precision. When he saw a target and threw a projectile, that projectile would strike it through and true - perfect bullseye every time. He could throw a sewing needle at a flea and strike it right in the middle of its body; or if he felt like it, he would strike it just enough to immobilize it instead of kill it. No one, not even him, could explain how he was able to throw with such accuracy. People in Wu's Pride called his ability "the Sniper's Eye" and gave him the Rider Name "Mister Bullseye".

It was just a name to Billy until he turned seven and gained a little brother, Benny. It was obvious from the moment Benny was born that he would grow up blind. From that day forward, Billy became Benny's self-proclaimed guardian, protecting him against anyone who dared to give him the evil eye, as well as guiding him away from all of the sharp points. He even went as far as using throwing knives to permanently scar the faces of two bullies who'd cornered him.

That certainly earned him some fear and respect from the people in town.

After that incident, Billy got some fierce scolding from both his parents and the elders in town, though he stood firmly by his decision to protect his little brother. He'd had to complete six months of community service, which consisted of picking up trash and helping townsfolk the second they'd requested for it, and was banned from freely throwing anything; townsfolk watched his every move to make sure he followed that particular penalty. Benny felt terrible that he was the reason that his big brother was being punished, but Billy was quick to shoot down his worry. He told him that he would protect him, no matter the cost.

However, the whole time, Billy was brooding. He was angry at the bullies for attacking his brother, and he was angry at the town for punishing him for simply defending his family. No therapist would work for his kind of anger - he wanted to take it out physically. So he became a competitor in the town's fighting rings, much to the worry of his parents and Benny. In no time at all, he'd climbed the ranks and became the undisputed champion, which only earned him even more fear from the townsfolk.

The entire thing was a message to the entire town - mess with my brother, you mess with me.

Trivia:

- He and Benny are cousins to Inga, so they share the same lineage. Rose is also technically their cousin, though not by blood. Billy and Rose get along fine thanks to their fiery personalities.

- Like Inga, Billy is ambidextrous.

- The numerous pockets and pouches along his clothing hold all of his ammo. Sure, he can throw anything he can get his hands on, but it doesn't hurt to have some already on hand.

- He once took a ceramic dish, broke it between his hands, then immediately used the shards as ammo without even scratching himself.

- "The Sniper's Eye" doesn't end at simply throwing ammo. It also works with long range weapons like guns, crossbows, and even hand cannons. He can hit a perfect bullseye regardless of distance, perception, and no matter the weapon.

- He's also a considerable origami artist - mainly for making weapons out of paper when he has nothing else on hand.

- Like Inga, he's stronger than the average First Realmer. Among his pockets of ammo are small sheets of metal, so when he has no other means to defend himself, he can quickly bend the metal with his fingers to make a formidable weapon.

- He's also very intuitive - he can only glance at an opponent once and determine how much pressure he can exert on his ammo in order to simply immobilize them instead of mar them. And by watching his opponent, he can correctly guess their next moves and therefore strike them right where he wants to.

- He has multiple scars from his life in the ring, but the double scar over his right eye came from his dragon during their first meeting. It wasn't instant friendship between the two, but they finally warmed up to each other.

- His "Sniper's Eye" ability is based off of Mai from "Avatar: The Last Airbender", and his ability to make weapons out of paper is inspired by Paper Star from "Carmen Sandiego".

Weapon of choice: LITERALLY ANYTHING HE CAN THROW AND/OR SHOOT

Dragon: Knife, a Metal Dragon

Special skills:

Parkour artist

Almost supernatural marksman ability

Chiropractic knowledge

Origami

Personality: He takes loyalty to his family, mainly his brother, way too seriously. The only affection he shows is to his little brother, Benny. Anyone and everyone else is a potential threat to Benny, and has to earn his respect by fighting him in the ring. If he deems their skills impressive, he respects them; if they can best him, which has never happened before, they have his undying loyalty. In the ring, he treats his opponents with mockery and contempt, as no one has ever beat him, and both he and everyone else in town seriously doubt that anyone ever will.

Favorite Other Realm Song: 16 Shots

[doberbutts]

Also this “but you’ve already socially transitioned :)” said to me by cis people and newer trans people (not necessarily young but early in their journey and finding themselves) is really quite grating because

I’ve been out since 2005. I’ve wanted to transition since 2005.

Bush was still president. The war was raging, people still reeling from 9/11 and all the propaganda and fearmongering was in full swing. Facebook had just been invented and was not open to the full public. Tumblr didn’t exist. iPhones were still 2 years off. I read my first journal of a trans man buried deep in the depths of personal GeoCities pages. MySpace was still bright and new and the future of social media. Discord wouldn’t be thought of for another 10 years- Skype was new and mostly for business calls. Ask was still a decent competitor with Google. YouTube was still its own company not yet bought by Google.

Do you know what you had to do to even be considered eligible for seeing a gender therapist, who would then decide if you were worthy or not to start HRT?

Most people had to be “living as their desired gender” for a minimum of 1 year but I saw many be told upwards of 5 years before they could even start hormones. Then you had to be on hormones for another 1-5 years before that therapist would consider signing off on surgeries. And even with a therapist’s note, you still likely would be denied either by insurance or by a surgeon. Most people had to fly out of country to get bottom surgery. Most people had to fly to a so-called trans-friendly state (usually California) to receive any sort of surgery at all. And for some unlucky few, like me, you had to either have signed permission from your family or a letter of recommendation from a deeply trusted friend to even be able to see the therapist.

When I talk about that trans woman who mentored me while I was in college, and taught me how to be trans and what words to use and how to protect myself from transphobia? She wrote my letter. And within the same year, Obama got rid of a lot of the medical gatekeeping keeping people like me from transitioning, so her letter is no longer necessary. But I still have it, tucked in the folder with my college paperwork and transcripts.

Back then, if you did not have accepting family, it was trans people looking after other trans people. We were each other’s family. She was my trans auntie, helping me and guiding me and giving me the voice I have today.

I socially transitioned a long time ago because I had to in order to even be considered as a candidate for HRT. Saying that that’s “enough” when the entire point of my social transition was to pursue medical transition is grating at the very least because it shows the ignorance of our own history.

Some of us trans oldies remember “back then”. Some of us trans oldies have our own journeys delayed because “back then” is still affecting the “right now” for us.

[seaswalllow]

at all of you who think connor “sonic kinnie” eatspants is the only one who’s well adjusted with a therapist, based on his diary, i would like to invite you to consider him talking about this with a therapist.

connor: so yeah, my friend died of a heart attack about it today. i know some people are kind of happy about it because he was a bit of a shitty person, but still made me sad, y’know?

therapist who’s just started seeing him: oh, that’s- that’s tough, i know people aren’t perfect and it can feel like they’re disrespecting his memory. 

connor: oh no they’re justified he was a president who exiled his competitors. even if they tried to blow up the country and him multiple times.

therapist: oh-

connor: and forced his right hand man who was a traitor to decorate his own execution

therapist:

connor: still makes me kinda sad tho. made me really think about mortality

therapist, desperately trying to get back onto better ground: death of a.... f r i e n d.... is always hard in that manner, how have you gone about processing it?

connor: decided i’m going to try to solve mortality. or death, i guess

therapist:

connor: i won’t if it’s too much effort tho

alternatively:

connor, rolling in: sup you won’t believe the day i’ve had

therapist, tiredly: did you get waterboarded again. do we need to go over self-esteem exercises and anxiety control. or war crime hotlines.

connor: no, surprisingly. do u take recs tho, or know a doctor who does

therapist, scribbling smthn down: ,,,,yes? what resources do u need

connor: oh it’s not for me it’s for a friend today

therapist: and this friend, is it somebody you’ve talked about like- 

connor: yeah old friend of mine, we go way back, and i mean like a couple hundred years back, though can you really be a friend if you died like an hour into your first meeting

therapist, just Not Moving:

connor: yeah haha i got better tho but he doesn’t seem to have, i think breaking the space-time continuum every other week is taking a toll on his physical health and mental health. forgetting his fiances has to be hard on him, and he drops off the map every time and comes out worst for the wear

therapist:

connor: so yeah if you have an extra spot, maybe know a neurologist to help him out, that’d be swell

therapist, tiredly pulling out papers: fantastic.

[pines-troz]

Animaniacs & Willy Wonka AU

So I made up this AU back in January, but because the Twisted Toons VA reading at IndyPop Con, where Maurice read the part of Willy Wonka as the Brain reignited my passion for this silly little AU!

Major Players

Wakko Warner - Charlie Bucket

Wakko Warner is a kid with a special interest in candy who works as a shoeshine to support his family and his dreams come true when he comes across the fifth and final golden ticket. He is excited to meet his heroes, Pinky and Brain, and eagerly listens to them during the tour, especially when Brain tells him and the others to keep the Everlasting Glarb-stopper safe from others. After going through the tour of the factory, Wakko is tested for his morality when he takes responsibility for his actions of testing the Fizzy Lifting drinks by apologizing to the mice and retuning the everlasting Glarb-stopper back, and he is rewarded for his good deed. Brain and Pinky show Wakko and Dr. Scratchinsniff the glass elevator and they fly around town. When Wakko spots his house, they descend there, where they reunite with the rest of his family. Brain and Pinky then tell Wakko that in addition to the lifetime supply of chocolate, he will inherit the chocolate factory and his family will move in there the following day. 

Pinky and Brain - Willy Wonka

The mice own a chocolate factory, originally used as a plan to take over the world, and they succeeded in that regard. Their chocolates and confectionaries are beloved by people all over the globe. After learning that Snowball stole some of his recipes, Brain fired his workers and shut the factory down for three years, until he and Pinky made an entire workforce out of genetically-altered carrots named Maurice. Their candies became best-sellers again, but the factory gates remained closed to the outside world. While Brain was initially happy that he and Pinky are the kings of the candy-making world, he has grown old and wants to retire. So he and Pinky devise a contest where they send out five golden tickets to find a child worthy to inherit their confectionary empire. They send out their son, Romy, to pose as their business rival Snowball as part of the morality test to see which contestant will refuse his offer of stealing the Everlasting Glarb-stopper in exchange for ten million dollars. Once they declare Wakko the winner of the contest, they give him the factory and allow and his family to move in.  Pinky represents Wonka’s eccentricity and sense of wonderment while Brain harbors Wonka’s sardonic brilliance. 

Dr. Otto Scratchinsniff - Grandpa Joe

Dr. Scratchinsniff once worked in Pinky and Brain’s chocolate factory as their personal therapist, but after Brain experienced a horrible betrayal by some of his workers, who were spies sent by his business rival Snowball, he was fired from his job. Tragedy struck when his good friends, William and Angelina, tragically passed on, leaving behind their three children; Yakko, Wakko, and Dot. Scratchy and his friend Hello Nurse stepped up to the plate and raised the three children while having to work many odd jobs to put food on the table and pay the bills. Despite being overworked, Scratchy still has time to indulge Wakko’s interest by telling him stories about his old job at the chocolate factory. When Wakko brought home the fifth and final golden ticket, he chooses Scratchy to accompany him during the tour of the factory. Additionally, Scratchy is far different from Grandpa Joe as he works his butt off to support his family and doesn’t lay in bed for twenty years and finally gets up when he gets to go to the chocolate factory. 

Taz - Augustus Gloop

A glutton who loves to eat candy. He is accompanied by his father, Hugh, who is rather supportive of his hobby. However, he falls into the chocolate river and goes up the tube and experiences, in Pinky’s words, “the joy of the suck”. 

Elmyra - Violet Beauregard

An annoying little girl who loves to chew gum and hug animals to the point of hurting them. She is also very loud and rude. When she goes to chew a piece of gum that is not finished, Brain makes no effort to stop her and he watches her inflate to a giant blueberry with a smugly satisfied smile. 

Thaddeus Plotz - Veruca Salt

A greedy CEO that is spoiled beyond belief. He is surrounded by a group of yes-men, including his security guard Ralph, who tries hard to satisfy his boss’s every need, and his co-worker, Nora Rita Norita, who nonchalantly watches her boss’s antics without much care. He paid several studio workers to open up thousands of chocolate bars and letting them go to waste until one of them found the golden ticket. Plot brings Ralph with him to the factory with the intention of stealing the everlasting Glarb-stopper and bringing it to a white mouse with buck-teeth who goes by Snowball in exchange for ten million dollars. When they go to the golden goose room, Plotz sings about how much he wants everything and stands on the weight, which declares him a bad egg and is sent down the garbage chute. 

Mindy - Mike Teevee

Mindy is a curious toddler who finds herself in trouble. Her neglectful mother does not help this case. When they arrive at the TV room, Mindy toddles over to the platform. When her mother recognizes that her daughter is in danger, it is too late as Mindy is shrunk to the size of two inches. 

Hello Nurse - Mrs. Bucket

A kind and supportive maternal figure for the Warners. When Wakko is feeling down that he may not get a golden ticket, she reminds him that he is special just the way he is. 

Yakko, Dot, Rita and Runt - The Rest of the Bucket Family

Yakko and Dot also work part-time jobs to support the family, with Yakko working as a babysitter and Dot owning her own lemonade stand. Rita and Runt were adopted by Scratchy and they have a particular fondness for the Warners. They are very supportive of Wakko’s interest and are elated when he gets the golden ticket. 

Romy - Mr. Wilkenson/Slugworth

Romy is the cloned son of Pinky and Brain. Even though Brain wanted Romy to inherit the factory, Romy decided to follow his dream of becoming a ventriloquist. Years later, Romy received a phone call from his dads about assisting them in their contest to find a rightful heir to the factory by posing as their business rival Snowball and tempting the contestants with the offer of ten million dollars in exchange for the Everlasting Glarb-stopper. When the contest is over, Romy reveals to Wakko that he posed as Snowball to help his dads find the right person to own the factory. 

Snowball - Slugworth

Snowball was once Brain’s closest friend before turning on him. When he heard that the mice own their own successful chocolate factory, Snowball decided to make his own confectionary factory and became their biggest competitor. However, the mice proved that their candies outsold Snowball’s. He got desperate and hired a group of spies (Billie, Julia, Egwind, and Larry) to infiltrate the factory as workers and steal Brain’s recipes. When the mice learned that Snowball’s latest best-selling candies were eerily similar to their own, Brain confronted the hamster and learned that the four workers he liked actually worked for Snowball. This caused Brain to fire his workers and shut the factory down until he found another way to stat up the factory without hiring new workers. 

[cryptid-killjoy]

Delta hadn’t wanted to leave the castle until she’d gotten another sign from Hell or Jenner had gotten back, but she was making special exception for Robin Hood. How dare he go and get himself committed right before Hunchy’s big day? What an annoying medieval speaking prat with excellent aim. 

Well, they had to get him out. She thought about doing it the easy way and simply demanding it. But, the more she thought about it the more it annoyed her he was locked up in the first place. The Merry Men had an underground system going on that helped poor and it might have all started with silly rivalry over a Nottingham Country Club, a business competitor using the same Robin Hood theme which drove the two businesses into arch nemeses just like in the olden days. Still, the reality was, people knew by now those Merry Men (curse their name) people still seemed to know they were with Delta. So, the more she thought about it the more it felt like the asylum really thought they felt like they had the right to take one of her people even if she never really thought of Robin as one of her own minions like that before. But, suddenly, she decided she was offended. She didn’t want to do this the easy way and just make it happen. She wanted to leave an impression. 

Delta went to Dr. Frankenstein for some white coats so she and Frank would be able to blend in. Oh my, oh her Lurchy. Those lanky arms came out of those sleeves a good foot even with Victor’s man size coat. Meanwhile, Delta swam in it.

Security wasn’t a problem. She ported them in with her staff.  She gave  Frank one of Robin’s personal cloaks and daggers to keep folded and hidden away in case they weren’t together and the situation called for it. There was no specific plan, but she knew she wanted to make sure she had things from his Robin Hood life on both of them in case they got split up. She worried about what his mental state might be and him possibly needing a reminder of who he was. His bow would be too much to carry. So, if she had to she could conjure that later. 

She had no doubts she would leave the building with Robin Hood. She was however in doubt of the condition she might leave the building or it’s inhabitants, patients, employees, doctors, or visitors. She wasn’t going to guarantee anyone’s mental or physical state when it came to that. As a matter of fact the first thing she did while in the center of the building was gag and hog tie with magical binds the therapist who’s office they randomly ported into. 

She shoved her into a closet and then sat in her office and took her next 3 appointments. For each patient she’d tell them their usual doc was away dealing with unexpected personal problems and she was filling in. Then she’d get every patient to complain and vent about what her and air all their gripes about the facility or treatment. As a new face there it made them trust her like they were trying to warn her in hopes of getting something better from her. One in particular actually recognized her. So, Delta actually told this mental patient after reading her compulsive liar and schizoaffective file that this was her city now, and she had everyone trapped in a fae ring, the city would soon realize it’s wrongs fix them, or cower to their knees, or pay the price, including the wrongs here. Justice for The Hunch. Justice for Robin Hood. Then she’d ask her name ask what she wanted justice for. 

This would have the girl down in the community room later running her mouth about Doctor Delta being in the building which everyone would think was just another lie. Just this girl telling another tall fish tale. But, it would get others talking too. 

This community room forced Robin into the modern century with the shared television. All these people around talking about his life wasn’t helping. All sessions were getting to him, plus he was doped to the max or he’d be uncatchable to begin with. He was a patient on serious meds to the point of slurred speech and corner mouth drool. 

Delta however wasn’t ready to go barreling in to the rescue. She was observing him and sneaking around. She was getting a good feel for the place. It wasn’t like she’d ever really been in one, not like this. Once she got done screwing around with people a little and got the lay of the land she had Frank in a janitor’s closet and started to come up with a plan. 

“We need time to clear those meds out of his system.” 

Then she tapped her chin. 

“Actually, wouldn’t be more fun if no one was on their meds? I always did like Placebo. Great band. Even better plan. I say we wait out next med call before we approach for the great Undermedicated Uprising of the Asylumville Horror?” 

Then after she said her great idea title she goes, “Too much?” 

[yuzusorbet]

Continuing Kikuchi-san's book 'Strongly, beautifully,....'

If you have not read the earlier parts, please read them first.  See my previous posts in tumblr, OR the master post on FB.  

Chapter 2, part 6. The gold medal that the goddess smiled upon.

I was at the rink side, holding Yuzuru's luggage, watching his free skate performance.  He fell on his opening jump, the quad salchow.  Another jump also had a mistake.  In the 2nd half of the programme, he was running out of stamina and he finished a performance that was far from the original.

He returned looking very dejected and mumbled, "Gold medal is finished."   I myself could not say a word.  Waiting for the score at the Kiss&Cry, Yuzuru did not show much emotions. 

The confirmation of Yuzuru's gold medal happened later, during the interview with the media.  Both Yuzuru and I thought it would be a silver medal, but Patrick Chan who skated after Yuzuru, did not get a score that could take him ahead, and thus, the gold medal went into Yuzuru's hands.  Surely, it was a moment where a goddess smiled at Yuzuru.

"I am first...... I'm really surprised.  I'm not satisfied with my performance today....."

Yuzuru who was being interviewed by the media from various countries, looked a bit confused.  As for me, I was putting ice on his feet, doing icing, and my tears were falling.  Of course, this was because I was so happy that he had won the gold medal.  However, from the time the free skate ended, he had never looked satisfied with the title of Olympic champion.

To him, the gold medal that he won at 19, is only one of the checkpoints.  What he desires is to succeed in a technique that no one has done before, such as the quad axel jump.  And even more, to do a perfect performance with no mistakes. 

In that sense, it was a failure, the Sochi Olympics that he had envisioned in his mind.  He was not intoxicated by the euphoria of the gold medal;  the period when he was in Sochi, whenever he found some time, even if it was just a bit, he went to the rink to practise.

-------------------

For Parts 7 and 8 of Chapter 2,  I did a partial translation, some sentences are summarised or left out.

Chapter 2, Part 7: Start of new battles

During the Sochi Olympic period of about one month, my clinic was temporarily closed for business.  As such, it was tough financially.  Although before the Olympics, 'okachan' (wife) had said, "Going around the world is one of otosan's dreams, just go if you want to," and sent me off,  I think it was hard on the household budget.  After the Olympics is over, this role as Yuzuru's trainer will end and I will treasure the time I have with okachan, that was how I thought. (translator's note: Couples with kids often call their spouse 'mama' or 'papa' because of how their kids address them.  'Okachan' (okaasan) = mama/mum.  'Otosan' = dad.)

After Yuzuru became the Olympic champion, there was a great change in his environment.  Sponsors were flocking to him.  The attention he got was on a completely different level from what it was before.  Naturally, top-notch trainers active in the world would also be quickly going to him, I was thinking like that.

The difficulty level of Yuzuru's programmes continued to rise.  He continued to evolve.  To me, he was like a presence that was out of my reach.  So as not to cause any shame to him, I thought about what I could do, on this path of mine.

One of those things was to use my experiences to help the patients at my clinic.

Chapter 2, Part 8: Responding to the athlete's "izui"

If a patient said "the pain is gone", I would say "oh good, good!" and feel satisfied.  However, those who are aiming to be sports competitors and athletes have different demands.  They require something of a higher level.

For example, in the Sendai dialect, there is a word "izui" 「イズイ」.   It means "doesn't fit / doesn't feel right" or "a discomfort somewhere"  or "not smooth".  Sports competitors will not be satisfied with just having no pain;  they will say, "But it's still 'izui'."  And they leave my clinic with an 'izui face'.

But, through Yuzuru, I felt the earnest heart of the athlete.  "If it was him, what would I do?"  I had to become more serious and sincere.

In itself, doing treatment for others, one can learn many things.  2 years after I started my clinic, there was a patient who said, "I have not come here in a long time, but sensei, your treatment methods have not changed at all," and he left with a downcast expression on his face.

At that time, my methods were low frequency therapy, massage, stretch tape, compress (t/n. or poultice) and taping.  Is there anything wrong with these.......

From then on, if I hear that ancient Thai massage is good, I go to Thailand  to check it out.  If I hear that Ayurveda is good, I go to learn about it from an expert.  In the area of pain treatment, I saw information that spiral tape is good and I went to learn more.  Gradually, I was very much into the profound depths of Oriental medicine.

I want to be good at "taking away pain".  After being led by Yuzuru to experience the world's stage, the inquiring spirit welled up within me once again.

Because of my big failure as a trainer in Sochi, I also started to study and search for the most suitable ways of adjustment for athletes preparing for competition.  Is warming-up simply for relaxing the muscles and joints to warm up the  body?  Warm-up exercises should also be different for different sports. For figure skating, what would be good?  Many questions like these came into my mind.

I spent time researching warm-up suitable for top athletes and also improving my own skills.  However, the more I studied, the more I realised how extremely narrow my previous world was, and I felt like I would be crushed, and then I would crawl up from there;  and this kept repeating itself.

In all this, there was the apologetic feeling for having embarrassed the gold medalist.  Plus, there was a bit of the thought that, if one day Yuzuru calls for me again, this time I want to give proper support and be of good use.

After Sochi Olympics, I received many requests for interviews by various media groups.  Some even came to my clinic to ask me personally.  But when I thought of my failures at Sochi, I felt very ashamed and could not accept any interview.

Later, one section of the media started to call me names like "dubious therapist" and "chakra hermit/wizard".  There was also a rumour that "Hanyu-senshu has been brainwashed".  But I did not mind at all.  I really am a strange old uncle.  It's fine.

More importantly, I want to do something for patients who are bearing pain. Underlying it, are strong feelings of wanting to support Yuzuru. 

To solve their 'izui', not just for athletes but also for patients and for all people who are building up their bodies.  This became my new goal.

[end of Chapter 2]

Translated by me from this Japanese book by Akira Kikuchi: https://www.amazon.co.jp  (just doing partial translations for fellow Yuzu-fans)

Photo credit: getty images

[zaph1337]

Monster Hunter Rating 16: Diablos, Tyrant of the Desert

Remember when I mentioned in the last review how Cephadromes try to keep their packs as far from a monster called “Diablos” as possible because of how freaking aggressive they are? Well, speak of the devil and he appears! Get it, ‘cause it’s called “Diablos” and “el diablo” is the Spanish term for--you know what, let’s just talk about the dragon.

(How it appears in Monster Hunter 1)

(How it appears in Monster Hunter Rise)

Appearance: Like Basarios, Diablos are Flying Wyverns--which is to say, they fit the description of wyverns in real-world mythology. Though, uh, I don’t think wyverns are supposed to have giant horns and tusks blocking out their faces. Seriously, look at the Rise render and tell me how easy it is to find its eyes. These guys must have really sucky vision. They’ve also got a Triceratops-esque frill and heavily armored backs. Their tail is also interesting, both because it’s a club and because it looks like a pair of human lungs. I hope to God it doesn’t actually keep its lungs in there, because using the casing around your lungs as a club sounds like a terrible idea. It also has weird horse teeth, which you probably didn’t notice because the tusks and horns take up most of the face. We’ll get into why a dragon has those soon.

If I ever actually fought one of these things, I’d probably find it a lot more intimidating, but it just looks kinda comical. Okay, the MH1 render makes it look disturbing, but that’s mostly ‘cause the face is more visible than the Rise one and it has beady white eyes. It still looks like a very clumsy creature, and all it would take to rectify that, in my opinion, is to get rid of the tusks to make the face less cluttered. 5/10.

Behavior: So, why do Diablos have horse teeth? Because why have fangs when your diet mostly consists of cacti? That’s right, this dragon, which is named after the freaking devil, isn’t even a predator, it’s an herbivore. How often do you hear about herbivorous dragons? Probably not very, if I had to guess. The thing about being an herbivore in the desert, though, is that aside from cacti, there’s not a lot to eat. Even then, a Diablos’ favorite type of cactus is a variety of large cacti that can grow up to 12 feet tall, but those suckers are pretty rare, so Diablos are always on the lookout for places where they grow. This often leads them to fight with other Diablos or even predatory monsters over territory, ‘cause once you find a spot with plenty of good food in the freaking desert, you kinda wanna keep it. This is why Diablos are so aggressive: everything is a potential competitor for their space, so they have to be willing to fight everything. The only monsters that Diablos won’t try to fight are Elder Dragons (we’ll get into those later).

Okay, so normally I’d stay away from this topic, but I feel obligated to mention that Diablos have a breeding season, and that females in heat turn black in color; these Black Diablos are considered a “subspecies” of Diablos, though the games themselves point out that this is a misnomer as they’re, y’know, the same species. Black Diablos are still treated as being different enough from normal Diablos to be close to a subspecies, so I’ll talk about them some other time. As for regular Diablos, there’s not a lot to understand about them; they’re feared for their temper and they eat cacti. The fact that they’re herbivorous dragons, of all things, is still interesting enough to cover for how basic they are. 6/10.

Abilities: This is unfortunately where Diablos falls shortest. It has no ranged attacks to speak of, and it’s too heavy to fly for extended periods of time. It instead relies on surprising speed and overwhelming strength in battle, charging at opponents head-on and using its tail as a club that can easily shatter stone. Its powerful legs are also good for burrowing through sand, and if it’s ever trapped in said sand, it’ll use its wings to push itself out. It’s certainly dangerous, but not exactly flashy or interesting. 4/10.

Equipment: Aside from having Diablos’ color scheme and texture, something several of its weapons have in common is that they’re pretty blunt, even when they’re cutting weapons. A good example is the pair of Dual Blades called the Diablos Bashers:

I like how their heads each look like a half of a Diablos’ tail club. Speaking of which, how’d you like to use one of those yourself? Well, with this Hammer called the Diablos Maul, you can fulfill your fantasy of beating a Diablos to death with its own tail (Disclaimer: Zaph does not support having a fantasy of killing something with a weapon made to look like a part of its body. If you regularly feel the desire to do so, please seek out a therapist):

And just ‘cause I think it looks cool and I haven’t shown one of these yet, here’s the Diablos Gunlance, complete with shield:

A lot shinier and pointier than some of the other Diablos weapons. As for the armor, it looks basically how you’d expect it to:

I don’t like how the male armor has a helmet (that also looks like it has tiny fangs for some reason) while the female armor just has a hairband because wE nEeD tO sEe PuRdY gIrL. Listen, I’m straight, but I don’t want the armor sets for women to be designed for my viewing pleasure, even if it’s in a way that doesn’t sexualize them (though considering the chest-piece on her armor outlines her cleavage, I don’t think I can say that sexualization didn’t occur here). Other than that, the armor looks fine. The equipment as a whole gets a 7/10.

Final Thoughts and Tally: I’m kinda disappointed that a monster called “Diablos” didn’t turn out to be very impressive, but it’s far from a failure. I don’t really remember a lot of what its fights were like when I saw them on a MH Rise stream, but I do remember that Diablos was talked about as a difficult monster to beat, so it clearly has a reputation. Again, I’ve only played the Rise demo and know everything else (outside what the wiki says) from streams, so you’re not getting the opinion of an expert here. If I ever get the game (and I plan to), then I won’t be surprised if my opinion on this guy changes. But until then, 5/10.