#my thoughts consist of aftg and aftg only

[justanotherbarrelrat]

can’t believe i gotta go to thanksgiving dinner and pretend to be normal. how can i do that when jerejean. when all for the game

[ordophilosophicus]

What it means to be a Moreau:

An essay and analysis of Jean Moreau's character-conflict  (Aftg and TSC - spoilers)

What this will not be about: The actual content of the book. Ok, that's not fully true. I am not about to discuss if something that happens itself is good/bad, in character etc. Or criticize topics.

What this will be is an analysis of parallels, character-motifs and questions concerning their trajectory and hindsight of actions. Questions AND Ideas how to answer these questions.

What does it mean when Jean states "I am a Moreau '', Why does TSC feel a bit like a crunched up Aftg? What constitutes the actual conflict of Jean - since either choice (staying or leaving) appears to be certain death? Why does Rikos death and Kevin's betrayal (the hand thing) matter to Jean?  

The book came out and my heart went racing. These books (aftg and tsc) bring me great joy, all I will criticize and analyze in this tiny, a bit too long essay, is said with greatest love and sincerity towards these books. But there can be said a lot - especially about TSC.

Get a snack and hop on.

Parallels between aftg and tsc - Stories about identity:

First of all let's begin with Nora's great writing of POV's. In this book we do get two pov's, giving us contrast to Neils in Aftg. Meaning we see the world, the characters from three different perspectives. And Nora makes them all matter. In the end I will tie it back with interpreting Jeremys pov, but for now let's only look at Neils and Jeans. A lot of characterization is made by what is focused on in their respective povs. What characters are interesting, how much rumination (thought) vs action is expressed. Both are unreliable narrators, and both tell us so much about what matters to them.

Both Aftg (Neils arc) and TSC (Jeans arc) are about the loss and gain of identity. From the retrospective, the arc consists of questions such as: Who am I?; Can I change who I am?; and what am I worth? But both arcs start with a clear sense of identity which is threatened.

However, somehow Neils arc is more concise and clear cut. Of course, part of this can be attributed to the simple fact that there will be a (second and maybe third part) to come for TSC, but it's mainly the groundworks I think which are "lacking". They are not necessarily lacking but rather not as (clear/spelled out).

The theme of "Identity" is special, since the stakes in the book/ark are about identity and its loss. Other stakes (death, loss of friendship, love etc) are not the main focus. The characters struggle and peril is about the loss of identity, which would mark a step into an unknown world they cannot navigate, and bring other dangers they avoided or dealt with the current identity. (Example: Lying vs telling the truth. Former obstructs the consequences of the truth, the later means you need to deal with the consequences.) On the other hand, it is the alternative identity which provides something of interest for the charatcer, creating a conflict of WANTING and perception of SELF. They WANT friends, but would need to GIVE UP their former sense of protection.

We are introduced to Neil Josten, and his very solid perception of identity. He is "nothing" = He has no right and no attachment to anything. He is a liar and alone. The conflict is created by offering him Exy and later on a team. Security stands in conflict with ending his loneliness and the feeling of not mattering. Nora introduces this conflict very early and very clearly. It is what makes us sympathize and, more importantly, understand and buy into the crazy thing Neil does to keep his secrets.

However, there is another identity which rides that one of "Neil Josten." Nathaniel Wesninski, the identity attached to that name, becomes more prominent throughout the books, and in the end, Neil needs to accept this identity to move on.

Nathaniel Wesninski's identity is very much spelled out in AFTG and it must be so, to make this shift of identity so impactful. A Wesninski is: loyal, does not lie, cruel but true. The very opposite of Neil Josten.

Nathaniel Wesninski is tied to the Moriamas, and is tied to his father. To pain, loss and a life of consequences and responsibility. (Not to run). The stake to shift to this identity (to be this person) is made clear by showing throughout the books how each of these parts are dangerous. And every step Neil takes (especially in the first and second book) is to avoid having to lose Neil Josten and be Wesnisnki.

And it works excellently. We fear WITH Neil when he makes the shift to Wesnisnki in Lolas car, and it is an epiphany when Riko dies and Neils makes a deal with Ichiro. When he wins in Exy and can play Exy. Because he not only shifted in the identity, he did not lose Neil Josten. He successfully changed to a Wesninski, to then further to a NEW Neil Josten. (Important: It's not losing an identity, which makes the arc powerful. It's the change of self. Nora is very explicit by making it a three step program. Josten. Wesninski, and "New" Josten.) We see what is the conflict, we get the stakes, and we see how Neil resolves the problems and takes on a new, stronger identity.

TSC is about Jean and a similar problem. However the swap, or rather the whole conflict does not appear as strong as with Neil. And the reasons for it are very simple, though still relevant for the trajectory of the story and possibility for the reader to emphasize and root for Jean.

TSC starts out with the bonus that we are already entranced with the fate of Jean and understand The Nest and Riko. However, what we do not know is Jeans' identity. Who does he think he is?; What stakes does he think hinge on being "Jean Moreau, the Raven, belonging to the Moriyamas' '? WHY is it so tremendous to leave the Nest, and what does he have to gain? What is the trade and what is the challenge? Etc. All that we have established with the Neil example prior.

Through Jean's mantra we get told that Jean has some kind of values attached to being "a Moreau '' and being "part of the Nest/belonging to the Moriyamas". The fatal problem is, we are never told what this actually means.

As readers we can understand why Jean is afraid to leave the nest, what Riko has done and could do to them. But this does not create the conflict we are looking for and plays out in the book. The conflict is happening, but the pov Nora gives us through Jean does not sufficiently explain what this conflict actually is about.

The answer is given implicitly and between the lines. These few bits I will try to spell out and interpret. Further, there could be a stronger case in certain scenarios, to make the conflict around Jeans identify stronger, and his relation to other characters more impactful.

First let's consider:

"What does it mean to be a Moreau?"

When Jean realizes he had been taken from Evermore, he tries to bargain with others and himself that he cannot leave. "Because he is a Moreau", and he belongs to Riko/the Moriyamas. But we are not let in WHY this exactly is a problem. Oh no, how horrible to not be beaten to death. If Jean leaves, Riko and his family will be angry and could try killing him. But the same appears to be possible if he GOES BACK. The whole first chapters establish that Jean is neither safe in nor outside the nest. (He might think it's safer inside, but for the reader, it  is clear this being not the case.)

Therefore, this conflict is not of external stakes, but internal. If Jean leaves, it would mean breaking with his identity, losing himself, creating or letting in problems he formerly avoided or dealt with through the identity he is trying to keep. It is essential that we understand WHAT HE IS TRYING TO UPHOLD.

Duty and being reliable:

I think we can define "being a Moreau" by being a person who has a strong sense of duty. Who is reliable and  sensible. I mainly read this from the fact that Jean asks Jeremy to add "being conform with USC appearance" to his contract. He has a duty to serve Ichiro, and by putting conformity in the contract, by extension he has a duty to be conform.

""You will have to pen it in," Jean said. "I won't sign it unless you do." It was the only way this worked: If Jean signed something that said he had to behave to be allowed to stay on the lineup, he could bite his tongue and stay his fists. It'd piss him off beyond telling, but he could follow orders if it meant surviving another day." p.71(kindle)

But this does not fully explain why breaking with the ravens is problematic for Jean in the beginning of TSC. Nora has not forgotten or overseen this, but it's not explicitly put in the text. Jeans backstory is about being sold to the Moriyamas. He is given the duty by his parents to serve Moriyama. Nora had portrayed it very much in a way that Jean was very reluctant to do. Although understandable, I propose to read this character more strongly. Make this matter more:

Jean is an older brother, prior to being sold, he had already understood himself as a reliable and dutiful person. An older brother to take care of his baby sister. A Moreau to in the future take care of business. resourceful and reasonable. Dutiful and compliant.

When he is told by his parents he is sold "as Moreau" - not as anybody, he is sold with a duty to represent and pay off the depth(?) of his family. Perform on the court, show the worth, protect his family, his baby sister.

His place at Evermore and belonging to Riko would be/is tied to his understanding of being a Morou. Leaving Evermore, would mean to not fulfill his duty, to give up, to be unreliable, since his parents and his sister counted on him.

If we accept "duty" and "reliability" to stand in the center of Jean's identity and conflicts, all other relationships and actions are to be seen from the perspective of Jean trying to protect this identity and stay conform with it. Most notably this strengthens both the events and dynamic between Jean and Kevin, and Jean and Riko respectively.

Riko & The Ravens:

Imagine Jean had been brought to the Nest, unwilling, hurt by betrayal, but with a strong sense of duty to go through with this. Take this burden given to him, and perform. Riko would have picked up on this. The amount of violence, the "breaking in" of Jean was not simply cruelty or any weird family feud thing. It was Rikos testing, an attempt to break Jean's sense of self. If he would not be able to perform on court, not achieve it - he would break his promises. Jean's small but consistent rebellions against Riko are an expression to keep his duty. He plays games even if he is hurt, he does not kill himself. For Jean to fulfill his duty and sense of self(worth) means going along with whatever, and holding out whatever.

Giving up on Evermore is not only breaking his sense of identity and purpose, but also making the pain he insured pointless (as Jeremy notices so fittingly). It means Riko wins by breaking him. His fear of Riko is tied to his fear of losing his sense of self. And him losing Riko means he has failed his duty to play for him on the court. The ravens are described by Jean as "loving and hating" each other respectively. And that nobody in USC could ever understand. But nor can we truly. Why does Jean not hate them, why is he not happy Riko is gone? because it means he failed, and they all contributed to his identity and achievement of his promises. The deal he made with Zane was one of the best insights or examples we are given to understand the Nest. To FEEL the Nest dynamic. Survival, reliance, schemes, dependance. Cruel intimacy to others, to know their secrets and fears. If you are not tight with someone (Jean and Zane, or Jean and Kevin) you also cannot find a way to protect yourself. Knowing Zane loved that one Raven girl and wanted that number, gave him the ability to stay away from Grayson and not break. The ravens, and Riko are not only an obstacle to his success and upholding of his promises, they are the means to an end. He needs them as much as he despises them. That's why leaving them, and Rikos death matters for Jean.

Kevin:

On the other hand we have the relationship between Kevin and Jean. We are given more insight on how Kevin got out of the Nest: by fucking over Jean. This scene or event is gutwrenching BUT it could be STRONGER if Jean would have known and been complicit with Kevin. Jean loved/liked at least cared about Kevin. Although his sense of duty is tied to Riko and the court, there would also be such a sense towards Kevin. Especially if Kevin came and asked him, directly. Confronting Jean with concieving him as a reliable, to be trsuted person. The one friend you count on the get you out of the shit. If one can help him, it is Jean. Because he is a Moreau. If we would read it as Jean accepting the consequences of helping Kevin, we would lose this ark of betrayal. But we would not need to erase the discontent and hurt Jean holds towards Kevin. For Kevin would have known and relied on Jean's self understanding, and played him. Used him as means of an end. Asking a person who is used to compromising their own safety, who understands themselves as a rock at a shore and understands the pain and fear one goes through - calling/playing on that is as much as a betrayal and use of a person as it is simple "not telling him". It makes it worse in some sense, because it highlights the intimacy between Kevin and Jean. They knew each other very well, and Kevin used that knowledge, in raven fashion, to survive.

(On the other hand, I would agree one could read it in the original way, Jean not knowing, because Kevin is aware of Jean's understanding of duty. That Jean would feel the sense that he NEEDS to betray Kevin. So there is still room for interpretation.)

SUMMERY:

Okay, okay. That was a lot. Let's surmise what I claim: That Jeans sense of self is shaped by duty, more explicitly the one he holds from his parents to be perfect court, please the Moriyamas and protect his family (sister).

Leaving the Ravens endangers all of this, all his sense of self and all he has done to achieve it.

Riko dying means there is never a way back, and he has failed. It upheaves all he is and wants, even though Riko and the Ravens did horrible things to him.

Neil making the deal with Ichiro formed a new duty, and gave him a way out. A compromise. Play court, but with USC. And still Jean loses a lot, or everything he considered constitutive of himself when he leaves the Ravens and comes to USC.

Whom he has duties to? Formerly his Raven partner, now? Jeremy offers to take the role. His experiences and background make him take duties towards the other Trojans to give him a sense of worth (asking if Cody is ok with touching/flirting with them.)

Neil drags him to the FBi and Stuard, and he comes to know all of his efforts to protect his family had been in vain. And it is that point in which his last tie of "old" sense of duty, breaks off. He cannot hold onto the same ideas and rules, duties and objectives as before.

For Jean, this break  is what is for Neil the end of a whole arc.

Whilst AFTG and TSC are similar in theme, they are very different in their outset. Whilst Neils whole arc is about getting and learning his new identity, Jean has to go through that all in one book. That's why we see and feel a great parallel between both characters, but also the arc itself. The telling of information, the parallel of fear of losing the old and gaining the new. Of betraying one's old identity/family in the end, and offer of a new, better, alternative.

However, Jeans arc does not end there. His story appears to be more about healing and the disconnect between outer, imposed, duty and value, and self-worth.

I think that's also why we get so little insight of Jeremys conflict in the first book. We get enough hints that have very likely to do with Jeremy being gay, stepfather, cops, maybe drugs and the family being publicly known. It has to do with imposed identity from the outside, self vs outer worth and dealing with that. We get so little from Jeremy, not only because he is an expert in talking and thinking around his own problems and issues, but because the story has Jean not ready yet. Jean first has to come in the same state Jeremy has been, or is in, before they both start pushing and pulling each other. Like Andrew and Neil could only start developing after Neil starts to compromise and change his sense of self, his willingness to be more than simple lying Neil Josten.

The same applies for Jean and Jeremy. But the end goal is about healing, and creating one's own self worth, rather than becoming a whole new self.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

p.s. I love Kevin, don't touch him.

[foodforworm]

Interacting with aftg content consistently again only makes me miss writing them. Like the urge to write Andrew and Neil is so strong but I don’t. Well. I don’t want to say I don’t have anything to write because the dozens of unfinished fics in my google docs would beg to differ.

I just want to write them and I have no thoughts further than this

[fortheloveofexy]

I would love to see an Andreil + yellow ramble!!

Well... since you asked! 😂

So as previously stated, I associate a lot of warm colors with andreil (yellows, golds, & oranges especially) - essentially, sunrise colors - and therefore incorporate a lot of these colors into my art. I do this for a couple reasons.

1. Sunrise, Abram, Death; these are truths.

Now, we joke about how Andrew is being dramatic and bringing up sunrises and death for that reason - but thats not the only reason. Sunrises represent second chances. A new day; new beginnings, even. A theme that is consistently present and explored throughout the series. Both boys have been given second chances by Wymack, both boys have been given fresh starts with each other. Both boys find new beginnings in one another. Sunrise means the beginning of their nothing. Sunrise means a chance to start over, to let the past die and leave it buried in Baltimore. Sunrises may only be directly brought up once, but it is no accident that Andreil spend so much time watching it on the roof.

2. Their appearances.

Andrew's blonde hair and hazel eyes (yellow-ish that turn gold in the sun) are symbolic of him being the key (heh) to a new beginning for Neil. The gold (which, by the way, is only visible in the sunlight), in my mind, is a cue that beneath the surface, Andrew is something good and golden for Neil to hold on to. That he has a greater value others don't always see and it takes a keen eye and getting close to catch it.

Neil, too, falls under this theme. When we first meet him, he's concealing his auburn hair with black dye, only for it later to be revealed. His auburn hair quite literally symbolizes truth; this is who he really is, this is who he's been hiding.

This is a theme Nora presents in the books with orangey, reddish colors (the bright orange jerseys of the Foxes that Neil helpfully notes "could be seen from outer space). Orange/auburn mean no more hiding, no more running. The truth is out in the open, all is laid bare - which is also a recurring theme in Andreil's relationship. The two of them want nothing more than to be honest with each other, even when they can't be in the beginning.

These are mostly just my rambly thoughts and I don't pretend to be an expert on color symbolism, but this is why I personally use these colors a lot with Andreil and aftg fanart . Hopefully that at least somewhat makes sense! 😅

[darlingbudsofrae]

Andrew Minyard Appreciation Post

Foxes Appreciation Series : || 1 || 2 || 3 || 4 || 5 || 6  || 7 || 8 || 9 || 10 ||

I believe that even with all the overwhelming Andrew Minyard content, we can never give the love this precious soul deserves.

Andrew Joseph Minyard deserves all the love in this universe.

He is very loyal.

Like, because he was often left behind most of the times in his past, it’s kind of ironic how Andrew understands the concept of family.

How willing he is to fight for his family, keep his family- even if it doesn’t show in the most obvious ways.

Friendly reminder that Andrew Minyard strike deals with people because he thinks it’s the only way to make people stay.

Friendly reminder that he is willing to go through hell and back for his family to the point of even hurting himself.

Because he could give less shit if he gets hurt. This MF is willing to go all in in protecting “his” people even if it kills him because he just don’t see anything worth living his life all the while secretly doing the best he could because he wants his family to succeed and that’s just-

Isn’t it ironic that everything Andrew Minyard are for are also the same things that ended up hurting him?

Like this kid honors promises to a fault and ensures hope when necessary (eg Kevin and Neil) when his life consisted nothing of false hopes and broken promises.

Did you know that the second character in the book to say the word fine the most is Andrew? While Neil says fine as a defense mechanism, Andrew mostly says the word to assure others that they’re going to be okay when they’re overthinking.

He also really values consent and that first kiss with Neil, when he pushed him and said he wasn’t in the head space to give it? That scene is underrated af.

Also, for someone who got lied to all his life, Andrew is so honest. He tells the truth in all its ugly glory because better terrible truths than kind lies.

Honesty suited Andrew because he was an instigator at heart and his opinions were often unpopular.

Andrew Minyard is not a good person- doesn’t try to convince someone he’s a good person.

He threatens people, he can kill without a second thought. I think this is why most people view him as “psychotic” but if you do read the times Andrew act out on violence, they’re mostly because they’re provoked by inappropriate behavior slash words.

Like with Nicky, and the things he says about Neil and Kevin. I really like that Andrew acts on that because as violent as it is and as much as I love Nicky, he tends to oversexualize someone and say unnecessary and inappropriate things.

I love how Andrew doesn’t act like he likes people. Doesn’t feel inclined to make someone comfortable. 

And honestly, who can blame him when most of the foxes see him as a monster? Like I love the foxes but they’re judgmental assholes.

I really hate this about the books, like I can defend why the upperclassmen and even his own family sees him as such but it just gets to me.

Because for me, out of all the people there is in the world, the foxes should’ve been the first people to understand that Andrew was human with real feelings- that he didn’t have to act on a certain way.

I will never get over about how until the end of the book, the rest of the foxes still sees him that way.

As someone who went thru a lot of shit, Andrew was such a comfort character. Personally, I feel like his character arc was one of the best ones I’ve read.

He’s coping, still coping- and that’s okay.

Y’know what I love about Andrew most? He actively goes to therapy. In a way, despite seemingly giving up on everything, kid is willing to fix himself.

And maybe the results are slow or next to none but so what? He doesn’t have to recover immediately and honestly, reading AFTG back in a time when I was pressuring myself to heal fast because I was too frustrated with everything- reading Andrew was like getting washed by a cold bucket of water.

Recovery takes time. Healing is a process. And it could even take years and no matter how long it takes, it’s okay ✨

Also, another thing I like about Andrew’s character was that Nora made a point about not forgiving abusers. Most books tend to send that message (which is disgusting) but with Andrew’s character, it’s clear that you don’t have to attach yourself to your abusers.

Forgiving abusers is not a necessary part of the healing process. 

 This is getting dark so to lighten things up a bit, Andrew has a sweet tooth. He loves ice cream.

Also, he majored in criminal justice and I know Nora said he did that just to be a troll but I like to believe that deep inside, he wants to help those who are in a situation like him and actually make the world a better place.

Andrew knows what to do when someone’s breaking down. Like, with every character, his apathy aside, he always knows how to act.

Also, he’s one of those annoying even-if-I-don’t-make-an-effort-I’m-talented-af-and-can-still-perform-well-so-sue-me assholes and normally I hate those type of characters but Andrew was an exemption. 

Like, we do not talk enough about the fact that he asked Wymack to choose between numbers 1 - 5 and only let that number of goals in of the opposing team that night before shutting down the goal completely.

Or that he only let 13 of the ravens’ shots - the nation’s best team - in and that is oh my gods where do I even begin with Andrew Joseph Minyard being a superior goalie I cannot-

Also the fact that Andrew completely shut down the goal when Neil freaking asked him to- who is this man? 

What a simp. What power. 

I hope in the AFTG universe, someone out there is doing the god’s work and compiling his saves. Like, I don’t normally watch sports stuff cuz I hate sports but I would pay good money to see that yes sir I will.

We could talk about Andrew’s saves more but that just deserves its own post cuz it’s chef kisses

We do not talk enough about Andrew’s eidetic memory. Seriously, we don’t.

Also, you can say all you want that he’s an emo kid but kid has good fashion sense.

Andrew seriously has the best lines in the series. Did some of them made me choke and wheeze and cringe? Yes. But did most of them make me cry like a bitch and hit my heart right where it hurts? Also yes.

“Congratulations are in order, I suppose! Since I have none to give, I will tell the others to respond appropriately.”

Also, some of them were lowkey Shakespearean and I refuse to believe that Andrew doesn’t read Shakespeare-

Seriously, he’s so extra but he’s also so traumatized and such a gay disaster I can’t-

He’s five foot short.

[aftgficrec]

hello!! so ever since i read that fic where neil gets migraines and aaron helps him, ive been really wanting to read more migraine/ headache fics. So could you recommend some like that? Sick fics in general would be good too!

Here’s the hurt/comfort you’re looking for! - A

Also see:

Sick Andrew here

Nicky takes care of sick Aaron here

‘on quietness and the refuge found within it’ here

‘Until We Go Down’ here

‘Those That Broke Us’ here’

‘Paper Cut Hearts’ here

‘Fake it ‘til you make it’ here

‘Let's make things interesting’ here (since updated)

‘Home’ here

‘The Way We Are’ (kevaaron) here

‘Pause and Restart my Heart’ series here

‘Wrecked’ here

‘My name is Alex’ series here

‘It’s always yes, until it’s no’ here

‘your love is the cure’ here

‘Crash Course in Feelings’ here

‘Crash course in feelings…remix’ and ‘Hospitals and Anesthesia’ here

‘Ebb and Flow’ here (since updated)

‘We'll Be Okay’ here

‘N for nebulous’ here (since updated)

Becoming Friends by love_in_the_city [Rated G, 10108 Words, Complete, 2021]

Five times Aaron helped Neil with his headaches and one time he didnt have to

or an AU where Aaron realises he doesnt hate Neil and helps him.

I am soft for Aaron and Neil friendship alright, and I do really believe them becoming friends.

Medical misunderstandings by CamilleDuDemon [Rated T, 4115 Words, Complete, 2021]

Andrew thinks he's having a heart attack. Aaron thinks it shouldn't be his problem. Neither of them is right and, apparently, performing an emergency auscultation on your twin brother makes up for a good therapy session.

tw: panic attacks

constants by sqacey [Rated G, 1063 Words, Complete, 2020, Locked]

Constant (adjective) regularly recurrent; continual; persistent.

Medicine And A Little Bit Of Love by andreilinlove [Rated G, 3986 Words, Complete, 2020]

Cough, cough, cough.

Well shit.

When the realization settled in, Neil knew he was fucked. He knew from the moment he forced his eyes open and felt like death itself.

flood on the floor by conniptionns [Rated T, 4311 Words, Complete, 2017]

Neil is injured in the playoffs. He gets hurt (but doesn't die).

tw: major character injury, tw: blood

Aches by Allfourthefoxes [Rated T, 1557 Words, Complete, 2021]

Aaron has a migraine and Kevin helps him

i heard your voice by nightquills [Rated T, 3471 Words, Complete, AFTG Spring Exchange 2020]

Andrew didn’t believe in soulmates, and he sure as hell didn’t believe that there was one out there for him. He may have been a bit hasty in jumping to that conclusion.

Trying Hard not to Fall by Aleekae [Not rated, 2,366 words, complete 2016]

Mary’s hands clenched tighter around the steering wheel. “Symptoms?”

Neil thought about it for a minute, but he knew he couldn’t lie to his mother. She would just find out anyways, given how they never left each other’s side. “Runny nose, scratchy throat. No fever.”

“Yet.”

“Yet.”

tw: implied/referenced child abuse

Overheating by irls_goaway [Rated T, 2933 Words, Complete, 2020]

“For someone who just passed out from heatstroke, you look awfully smug,” Andrew says. Neil’s smile only widens.

or

Neil vlogs his life which consists of Andrew and Exy. Not even a heatwave can keep Neil away from either one of those things.

on tenderness; a guide to taking better care of yourself by puddingcatbeans [Rated G (we say T), 6149 Words, Complete, 2019]

Neil is a finger on a trigger, pedal to metal, a breath away from launching himself off the edge of the roof at all times. He’s a rabbit heart, always ready to run off at a second’s notice—except when he’s looking at Andrew like that.

a series of moments on andrew learning to be gentle with himself; or, alternatively, andrew waxing poetic about one neil josten and realizing that his life maybe isn't so bad after all.

tw: depression

[palmett-hoes]

I like your meta and I got to thinking about all the stuff in these books that requires the suspension of disbelief to roll with and tbh the biggest thing Nora ever asked us to overlook is Riko's entire schtick. Tell me who in real life looks at a short, West Virginia college freshman, even the ones who are good athletes, and says 'oh yeah they are definitely the authority on who should be thought of as the best players in the league, the tattoos are normal, he's normal' Like !??? Hello???

yea i personally have a lot of questions about the moriyamas as they’re presented to us in canon. i think they’re a very confusing detail, and also a not-exceptionally well-considered one on account of the unfortunate racial implications

personal take: the moriyamas should have been russian bratva instead of japanese yakuza. it would change absolutely nothing about the story, but would fix a dozen small details that i’ve been leaping through flaming hoops to justify watsonianly in how i flesh out the extended universe

nora is VERY much a character writer, not a world-builder. her characters are SO nuanced and life-like, but her world-building often feels random, disjointed, and unaddressed

that being said though, i don’t think riko’s schtick is really one of these details

calling riko just a “short, West Virginia college freshman” is very uncharitable to exactly what he is. riko is a celebrity, the ward of a celebrity, and he’s been in the media eye since he was born. it would be accurate to compare him (and kevin) to people like blue ivy carter and north west kardashian, children of a-list, instantly-recognizable celebrities who got added to their guardians’ brand as children. blue ivy is nine-years-old and has already won a grammy

(i don’t want to imply that either the knowles-carter or the kardashian-west family, or any other celebrity i might mention here are abusive like the moriyama family. while there are plenty of concerns about the psychology of child stars, i’m not talking about their personal lives or the way these children are being raised, because that’s none of my business. i’m talking about them from the perspective of their media visibility and the legitimacy that gives them with the public)

journalists LOVE celebrity kids. every argument and wardrobe choice is headline news in a-list houses, and why some celebrities (like famously michael jackson) have to go to such extreme measures to give their kids even a modicum of privacy, because they're hounded by reporters and photographers every time they step outside.

tetsuji, however, took much more of the joe jackson approach and turned his nephew and ward into a public brand and set them loose on the media circuit as soon as he was able

you have to think about exy as a global movement, one with two distinct figureheads at the helm. it came out of nowhere and completely reshaped the world of sports in an extremely short amount of time. think of kayleigh and tetsuji as being like mark zuckerberg or steve jobs: innovators and figureheads

and even if they’re “just” sports celebrities, they’re sports celebrities on a tier with people like babe ruth, michael phelps, tom brady, serena williams, usain bolt, lance armstrong, the rock, muhammed ali, john cena. people whose sports celebrity is SO great their names enter the mainsteam. that’s the MINIMUM level of fame and influence they have

it's no stretch of the imagination for me to think that the Princes of Exy brand was inextricable with the rapid growth and popularity of the sport. kevin and riko were mascots, ambassadors, and symbols, not just for the ravens but for exy itself. the sport viewed as coming of age alongside them

even if it seems ridiculous to us from outside their universe, inside it people have been hearing about the Perfect Court for over ten years. it’s something their sportscasters and news anchors talk about. you’ve heard it on every early-morning and late-night talk show. it’s a tagline on the covers of magazines and up on billboards. every little league kid who picks up an exy racket dreams that they’ll be the next pick and wear that three or four on their jersey

riko and kevin may have been two of the most famous children in the world

and with celebrity comes extensive forgiveness of... “eccentricity.” remember when jared leto started a cult and everyone just,,, let that happen? gwyneth paltrow’s new age wellness pseudoscience brand? tom cruise is literally a scientologist? even if it’s absolutely ridiculous, it’s okay if a celebrity does it

in-universe, riko isn’t just a “good athlete,” he’s a house-hold name with a consistent vision, every tool at his disposal to get it done, a massive platform of people listening to his every word, and the mainstream media spreading it for free

some tattoos at 16? that’s nothing. ESPECIALLY if they’d been drawing them on for years before

once you think about these things in the context of things that are familiar to us, rather than strange and random and contextless the way they (admittedly) come across in canon, riko starts to make a little more sense

also, while i think it could have been pushed more, i think that nora actually did a pretty decent job of conveying this idea of Celebrity as a theme in the books. there are a lot of very consistent references to kevin and riko’s fame and influence. however, because of how much of an unreliable narrator with such a narrow scope of interest neil is, it’s a detail that can slide past you especially if you haven’t read the books in a while and you mostly engage in the fandom. fandoms tend to be character driven, not theme driven, so a lot of the recurring themes and imagery of a work tend to get lost over time

however i try to keep in touch with the canon. the last time i fully read the books was less than a year ago (and i’ve been in the fandom for like,, 5 years?) and i fact check it often for posts, meta, and fic beta-ing. at some point i’d really like to do a series of scene breakdowns and literary analysis of the lesser-acknowledged themes bc ideas like Celebrities In The Public vs Private are interestingly approached and i think we’re missing out a bit by only talking about them from a character-first perspective

i think one thing i would LOVE about getting some kind of visual-media adaptation of aftg (animated series or visual novel preferred) would be all the passive worldbuilding we could get that neil declines to describe to us. things like billboards and magazine covers and t-shirts and commercials for exy and the Princes of Exy in particular. i really think it would push so much more dimension and context into the story for us to really SEE these things

[willowbird]

Congrats!! If you want, how about the first time Ronan sleeps over at St. Agnes? Like the pining!!

Yay! I was SO EXCITED to get a Ronan/Adam ask!! I may have gone a little overboard with the pining, but I hope you still like it <3 <3 This is actually my first Pynch ficlet! I hope you like it! Lemme know if you think I should post it on AO3 ^^; Since it’s my first time actually writing them and I haven’t read the books as many times as I’ve read AFTG I hope it’s okay!

-----

Ronan bounced the rubber ball against the sloped ceiling from where he lay on Adam’s bed, waiting for the other boy to get out of the shower. He’d been out, just driving around with no discernable purpose or direction, when it came around that time for Parrish to get out of work so he’d swung by and picked him up. There’d been no reason to say no when Adam had asked if he wanted to come up for a while. After all, he and Adam were friends -- no matter how much they seemed to bicker -- and Ronan liked being at St. Agnes. Sometimes, it was honestly more satisfying to be there than it was to be at Monmouth. Nothing beat being at the Barnes, but still -- St. Agness had a particular energy, it always had. 

After all, Ronan Lynch was no stranger to St. Agnes. The hours he’d spent in the quiet pews could stack together to build a universe apart from the rest of the world, a separate realm that even the horrors inside his own mind couldn’t touch. And yet, since Adam came to live there, the hallowed halls of that familiar place had developed a completely new,,, feeling that Ronan had no idea how to feel about. 

A part of Ronan wanted to be pissed off about it. 

A bigger part of Ronan was fascinated in the way that the travelers in his father’s stories had always been fascinated by the glow of will-o’-the-wisps between the branches of the deep woods and frosted bogs. The peace that the church had once given him was spiked with something else now, something that fizzed like pop-rocks under his skin, and as annoying as that was -- he really couldn’t say that he hated it. 

Considering he knew that the fizz of... enchantment was most definitely caused by the boy now living in that small, slanted room above the church? No, he really couldn’t say that he hated it at all. 

Not to say that Adam I’ll-be-independent-if-it-kills-me Parrish didn’t make him want to punch his fist through a fucking brick wall -- because he absolutely did. But there was also something... undeniably right about the boy taking up residence above the church. After all, the infuriating pest already lived full time inside his head, he might as well sleep in the building that housed Ronan’s soul as well. At least he was fucking consistent. 

The shabby door connecting the bedroom to the tiny bathroom creaked open and Ronan caught the ball on its rebound and didn’t throw it again, instead turning his head to look as Adam entered the room. 

He did not expect to see Adam walk into the bedroom in nothing but a towel and instantly looked back up at the ceiling, throwing the ball again with a bit more force than necessary. Only his quick reflexes saved him from losing a fucking eye. He tried not to think about the way the other boy’s skin had been flushed pink from the heat of the shower, his hair damp and pushed haphazardly back from his face, exposing cheekbones and eyes that...

Okay, he tried -- that didn’t mean he succeeded. 

“Sorry, it’ll just be a minute. I forgot to grab something to change into.” Adam’s voice was soft, lilted with the Henrietta accent in the way that only happened when he was either really emotional or perfectly at ease. Ronan would never tell him how much he loved hearing the edge of gravel and wild country grass around his vowels, not on pain of death, but that didn’t make it any less true. 

“Take your time, Parrish. I don’t fucking care.” No one needed to know that the sigh that followed was relief at how nonchalant he had managed to make the words, instead of the dry irritation it sounded like. 

Adam huffed a soft laugh and Ronan could feel the eye-roll being directed at him. He didn’t bother to hide his grin, just gave it a bit more teeth as he tossed the ball up and caught it again. 

It was only another few minutes before the door creaked open again and Adam came out -- this time fully clothed. Ronan caught the ball and sat up, scooting over so that Adam could come over and sit down, which the other boy did with a flourish and a groan. 

“Ugh, I just do not wanna do homework.”

“Then don’t.” Ronan shrugged and bounced the ball on the floor this time, angling it slightly so that when it rebounded it went toward Adam. 

Adam caught it easily and bounced it back, timed perfectly with a familiar scoff. “Some of us care about school, you know.” Ronan waited for a beat, but when Adam didn’t follow that up with chastisement or prod for him to start caring about school, he gave a small shrug. 

“Sure, but tomorrow is Saturday. It isn’t like you’ve got anything due tomorrow. You just got off work, learn how to fucking relax.” He caught the ball and held it for a moment, tilting his head back as he mimicked a thoughtful expression. “Oh, oh that’s right, you don’t know how to relax.” He gave a deep, mournful sigh and bounced the ball back at him. “Shame, for man so smart to be missing such a vital real-life skill.”

“Ha ha, you’re hilarious,” Adam sniped back, but his words were sharpened more with amusement than irritation. 

“Oh, I know. I’m a regular comedy special,” Ronan agreed readily. “But that, actually, was not a joke.” He could press here. He could remind Adam that his whole world didn’t need to be as rigid as he was making it to be. He could tell him that he could afford to take a break every now and then, that he deserved to chill the fuck out. But if he did that he risked sounding too much like Gansey or repeating an argument that neither of them probably felt like jumping into tonight. So instead, he caught the ball and cocked his head, studying the other boy curiously. 

Then he asked, “Where would you go? If you could go anywhere in the world with no consequences. What would you do? And not to accomplish anything great or whatever -- I’m talking just for fun.”

Adam held up his hand for the ball and Ronan tossed it to him. His eyes caught on the way he began to roll it between his palms, those long fingers curling around it, bony wrists twisting to pass it from one hand to the other. Ronan had the sudden urge to brush his lips over the prominent bump in each wrist. Not in a kiss -- but just to feel the protrusion against his mouth. 

“That’s pretty broad,” Adam said with a hum, oblivious to his distraction. “There’s a lot of places I could go.”

“That’s the point. There’s no consequences, no limits. You could go anywhere.” He dragged his gaze away from those hands but this time they caught on the exposed bit of Adam’s collarbone on the way up to his face. “So pick a place, Parrish. Never known you to be so indecisive.”

Adam’s eyes dropped from where they’d been thoughtfully searching the ceiling, locking onto his as he flashed a sharp smirk. That expression cut him right between the ribs, twisted, and nestled in nice and deep for the winter -- because this, this was the Adam Parrish he couldn’t stop thinking about. Everyone seemed to underestimate him. Everyone thought he was so soft, thought he was so polite and sweet and yeah sure, he was all of those things, but that was only one part of him. It was just the surface setting to the multiverse that was Adam Parrish, and this sharp, biting, cunning side of him was closer to his core. Ronan knew he was one of the only people who knew that side was there, and was probably the only person who truly understood how much a part of him that facet was. 

“All right,” he said, his voice smooth and low and Ronan had the distinct certainty that if that sound were a drink it would be a spiked mulled cider, husky and tart in a way that made your head light and your chest warm. “I’ll play. But you go first. Where would you go? Somewhere outside of the States,” he added, before Ronan could say the Barnes -- because he was apparently that predictable. 

Ronan rolled his eyes, but shrugged and slipped off the bed, laying on the floor beside the bed and pillowing his hands under his head as he thought. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Adam stretch out on the bed on his stomach, hugging a pillow and using it to prop his head up a bit as he looked down at Ronan. The feel of Adam’s full and undivided attention on him did things to his pulse he didn’t want to think about. 

“Probably Ireland,” he finally said after a long moment of thought that was torn up and distributed between flickers of distraction caused by Adam’s silhouette in his peripheral, from the way his damp hair was falling into his eyes now that it was beginning to dry all the way to the slump of his broad shoulders and the sharp jut of his elbows against the cushions. There just really wasn’t any part of Adam Parrish that Ronan didn’t want to look at. 

A soft huff of laughter had Ronan turning his head to look at him straight on and the amusement on the other boy’s face told him that he was being predictable again. Ronan frowned -- he didn’t like being predictable. 

“Don’t give me that look. Tell me why, Ronan Lynch.” There was a teasing note in Adam’s voice, and if it were anyone else that would have brought Ronan’s back up -- would have made him snap his teeth and snarl. Coming from Adam, he had to give himself a moment so he didn’t trip over his own foolish tongue. 

Somehow he managed to avoid that humiliation. Instead, he told Adam about Ireland through his father’s eyes. He told himself he didn’t care about the softening of Adam’s smile, that it did absolutely nothing to him to watch the other boy close his eyes and rest his cheek on the pillow, leaving himself vulnerable as he dipped into his own thoughts. Rather, he focused on the stories he was telling Adam, reliving them as he did his best impression of his father’s cadence and storyteller’s hum. He told him stories about the fair folk, the fey and the night creatures. He told him about the magic of each valley and river and dale. He shared his favorite tales about cheeky brownies and powerful, dangerous sidhe that became captivated by the bright, fleeting magic of a human’s ability to create. 

Adam listened to each one, and that smile...? It never faded, not even once. 

“It’s your turn,” Ronan finally said, when his heart was full and his lungs tight -- torn between the memories caused by those stories and these newer, more electric feelings caused by the proximity of Adam Parrish’s smile.

“Mm, I think... I think that if I were to go anywhere in the world I’d want to see high mountains. High mountains and dark woods. Deep lakes. Flowers that seem to have their own language between the brightness of their colors and the way they sway toward and away from each other in a wind that affects them and them alone. Butterflies that cast shadows like birds of prey...” As he spoke his words drew further and further apart, his tone drifting as fatigue from the long day dragged him down toward sleep. 

Ronan held his breath, almost wanting to prod him for more -- because it was rare to hear Adam talk... well, like a dreamer. Adam was a boy who kept himself grounded so deeply in reality it was sometimes painful for Ronan to be around him. This secret side of him, this side of dreams and hope and wonder... it was a vulnerable side that he knew Adam wouldn’t be indulging in if he weren’t perfectly comfortable and probably way more tired than he’d originally thought he was. It was a side of him that Ronan had always known existed (you couldn’t chase a dead Welsh king without being at least part whimsy, no matter how charismatic Gansey was) but one that Adam kept very close to the chest. 

“Mm... Ronan?” Adam’s voice was soft and sleep-slurred, his eyelashes shielding the color of his eyes, he was barely able to keep them open. 

“Yeah?” Ronan’s voice was rough, even to his own ears, but Adam didn’t seem to notice.

“Do you think a place like that actually exists?” The question was light, but there was a raw, sweet shard of hope beneath the words that cut Ronan in a tender space below his throat. 

“Yes,” Ronan promised with certainty, not even needing to think about it -- not even needing to question it. “I know it does.”

Adam’s eyes dropped all the way closed and he smiled, sighing in relief. That sigh transitioned directly into the deep, slow breaths of sleep. 

Ronan knew that he should get up. Sleeping on the floor would give him one hell of a backache, and Adam hadn’t said he could stay over. He should get up and stretch, then drive back to Monmouth, where he should crawl into his own bed for the night -- or maybe stay up longer and bother Gansey, because fuck knew that guy didn’t understand the concept of a regulated sleeping schedule. 

Instead, Ronan watched Adam until his own eyes just couldn’t stay open any longer. Then, from the floor of St. Agnes, beside the boy who called to him like a fire-sprite, Ronan dreamed. He dreamed of dark woods and flowers that seemed to have their own language, between their bright colors and the way they swayed in their own self-contained breezes. He dreamed of butterflies that cast shadows like birds of prey. He dreamed of safe places even in the dark woods -- and when Ronan dreamed... well, when Ronan dreamed, reality itself seemed to listen.

[sinterblackwell]

i don’t know who exactly created this tag but i wanted to thank @arywizm for being the one who happened to make me aware of it since it does seem cool.

book tag:

- how many books are too many books in a series?

my recent two favorite series (the skybound saga by alex london + the timekeeper trilogy by tara sim) both consist of just three books, which works pretty well for me.

but then there’s also the raven cycle series by maggie stiefvater, which consists of four books (+ an additional short story). with each book that i read, i fell deeper and deeper in love with this world the author built so i can’t forget that.

with that in mind, if i do the math, the maximum is five books. any more than that is overkill.

- how do you feel about cliffhangers?

they’re amazing.

ex: “chainbreaker (timekeeper, #2)” by tara sim.

- hardback or paperback?

some hardbacks come with a special design underneath the printed cover depending where you order them from (ex: “cemetery boys” by aiden thomas) so it is really cool to see that, plus the feeling of holding a hardcover book in my hands is immaculate.

however, paperbacks are better.

my copy of “white rabbit” by caleb roehrig proves it. it’s so floppy and brilliant, i can’t get enough of it.

- least favorite book?

“the unfortunate importance of beauty” by amanda filipacchi. it is the first (and hopefully last) book i ever gave a 1-star rating on goodreads.

- love triangles, yes or no?

i feel mostly meh about them because i just don’t care. i would prefer if there not be one because then there’d be less relationship drama but it could sometimes be fun seeing how readers are at such opposite sides when it comes to the ships.

(ex: addie & luc vs. addie & henry from “the invisible life of addie larue” by v.e. schwab. it’s not much of a love triangle but it’s close enough, i guess you can say).

i personally love addieluc.

- the most recent book you just couldn’t finish?

i tried giving “the inheritance games” by jennifer lynn barnes a second try over a month ago but i just couldn’t get into it.

if it was an adult, or even new adult (everyone in the online book community knows how many more books we need under the 18-22 age bracket), the story probably would work better, in my opinion, because it being in the young adult category just makes the writing feel off to me.

- a book you’re currently reading?

there’s two: “the weight of the stars” by k. ancrum + “china room” by sunjeev sahota.

- last book you recommended to someone?

“vicious” by v.e. schwab to a close friend of mine. i raved to him about eli ever and he found the premise really interesting so fingers crossed 🤞🏽

i have a bad habit of recommending books to non-readers but i genuinely can’t help it when i know the book in question would just be absolutely perfect for them.

like, i recommended aftg to this same friend a long while ago and it’s become so incredibly important to him, especially the character andrew, so that’s just a little fact that matters a lot to me.

- oldest book you’ve read?

“we have always lived in the castle” by shirley jackson (first published: 1962).

- newest book you’ve read?

it technically hasn’t even come out yet but it was my book of the month pick for august so it was an early release: “the heart principle (the kiss quotient, #3)” by helen hoang; it’s set to be published on august 30.

note: it can be read as a standalone.

- favorite author?

adam silvera was the first author i ever considered my favorite and he still is. but there’s also olivie blake.

- buying books or borrowing books?

i love that feeling of adding books to my personal collection but 9/10 of the time, i prefer borrowing them first so that i know for sure i want to own them for myself.

- a book you dislike that everyone else seems to love?

i don’t necessarily dislike it but i didn’t care too much about it: “the mark of athena (heroes of olympus, #3)” by rick riordan.

it was my least favorite of the series, although, “blood of olympus (heroes of olympus, #5)” was slightly disappointing, but only just because of how rushed the ending felt.

- bookmarks or dog-ears?

bookmarks!! there’s these charm ones i buy off of etsy and they’re really cute.

- a book you can always reread?

“autoboyography” by christina lauren; i originally answered this one with “masters of death” by olivie blake because it has become a huge comfort book of mine in the last couple of weeks but then someone by michael schulte just popped up in my shuffle and my mind changed.

the song’s always reminded me of sebastian & tanner from “autoboyography” so i couldn’t help including them in this tag because they mean a lot to me.

- can you read while listening to music?

i just listened to the entirety of taylor swift’s “red (deluxe)” album while reading “it ends with us” by colleen hoover so……yes.

- one pov or multiple povs?

multiple!! i especially love it when authors include the perspectives of some minor characters since personally, i think it adds more depth to the story (ex: the skybound saga by alex london).

a booktuber complained about this in “the jasmine throne” by tasha suri but it just made me that much more excited to read the author’s new adult fantasy.

- do you read a book in one sitting or over multiple days?

depends on the book, really.

i read the entirety of “firestarter (timekeeper, #3)” by tara sim all while laying in bed with very few social media breaks in between.

on the flip side, it took me over a couple weeks to finish “these violent delights” by chloe gong.

- who do you tag?

i wasn’t tagged to do this, it was just something i thought could be fun and it was. i hope maybe there’s any titles that stuck out to anyone who comes across this, reader or not, since i do believe that there’s always a book out there for everyone.

if this is something that could be fun for you, i tag: @tawmlinsun @kritiquer @flying-elliska @dreamingoftinystars and @minyardss

[sirrriusblack]

“You’re the only one I wanna wake up next to.” Andriel obv

Hello, okay, thank you, so, the deal with this,, is that I’m now in love with writing Andreil but of course this is a Harry Potter blog so I made a new account (@yes-or-no) for aftg and will probably be writing some things there,, for now this will be posted here but yes, thank you very much and I hope you like it :))

(tw nightmares, torture and scar mention)

* * *

100. “You’re the only one I wanna wake up next to.”

Neil wasn’t unfamiliar with nightmares. It wasn’t an unusual occasion for him to wake up in a cold sweat, subconsciously reaching for the gun under his pillow before he realised it wasn’t there. Before he realised he didn’t need it anymore. He wasn’t sure whether to take comfort in that fact, though. All his life had consisted of running and now that Neil was allowed to stay still, he didn’t know how to act. Especially when he was still running in his dreams. Neil’s nightmares consisted mostly of flashbacks from his past; his father’s sly grin and pacing feet, his mother’s lifeless body stuck to the seat of the car, the burning in his lungs as he ran for his life, stretching out his arm to hold onto his mother’s hands and falling just an inch short as Lola caught him, held him as he watched his mother’s legs carry her farther and farther away from him. But often his nightmares were something new; Neil restrained while he watched Riko holding Kevin down, hurting him just the way he’d hurt Neil at the Nest. Matt and Nicky falling from the force of Riko’s exy racket, beaten to pulps in front of Neil because they were trying to defend him. Renee standing in front of the Foxes, chin up to Neil’s father while he just smiled at them, cleaver in hand. And then there was tonight’s. Tonight, Lola had carved each one of Neil’s scars into Andrew’s body, leaving him stained and marked just like Neil.

Neil stood from the couch. He’d come out here to try and fall back asleep, but he wasn’t having any luck. The house in Columbia was silent. There were no sounds of late-night college parties or drunk laughter floating through the slightly cracked window. There was only silence, the calm sound of the suburbs and the warm summer air drifting into the house. The silence was something Neil was still getting used to. Waking up and feeling secure was something Neil was still getting used to. He walked over to the kitchen and flicked the light on. The clock next to the fridge said it was somewhere past 3 am. Neil reached for the cord above the sink, pulling the blinds shut so that no one could see in. It was a small, useless act, but it calmed Neil’s nerves nonetheless. He flicked the kettle on and reached for a mug, placing a teabag in. A door clicked from across the room. Neil turned to look. Andrew was standing in the doorway, his face illuminated by the soft glow of the kitchen light. Neil knew that Andrew could be silent if he wanted to–the click of the door had been a warning that he was coming in. He nodded to Andrew and pulled out another mug.

“Did I wake you up?” Neil croaked out, his voice still coated with sleep. There wasn’t much of a point to the question–Andrew slept just about as well as Neil did–and Andrew didn’t answer. Instead, he padded over to Neil and reached for the jar of sugar, heaping some into his mug with a teaspoon. Neil felt a sense of warmth form in his chest at the familiarity of it. The kettle flicked off and Neil poured the boiling water into both mugs. Andrew was already at the fridge, and he held the milk out for Neil before reaching into the freezer for a tub of ice-cream. He scooped some into his mouth with the teaspoon he was still holding. Neil huffed a laugh and reached for a bigger spoon, holding it out to Andrew with the milk he’d finished with. Andrew took the spoon and put the milk in the fridge. Neil handed Andrew his hot chocolate once he’d positioned himself atop the kitchen counter. It was… a sight to behold, Neil thought. Andrew in just his boxers and a black t-shirt, sitting on the kitchen counter eating his ice-cream. A loose strand of his hair was resting above his eyebrow, and Neil wanted nothing more than to brush it backwards and have his hands in those curls. Andrew would likely pull his knife on Neil for thinking such stupid things.

“Staring.” Andrew’s voice cut through Neil’s thoughts, but it was a welcome interruption. Neil moved to stand across from Andrew, holding back the apology he knew Andrew would only make him take back. He watched Neil for a moment before he put the lid back on the ice cream. “My turn, right?” he asked. Neil had to think for a moment before he realised what Andrew was asking. He nodded. “Why did you leave to sleep on the couch?” Andrew’s question wasn’t what Neil had been expecting. It was...concerned. Maybe even hurt. Andrew thought it was about him, Neil realised.

“Oh, it didn’t—it wasn’t…” Neil trailed off and Andrew raised an eyebrow. Neil needed to think. He grabbed the ice cream container from the counter and took it to the fridge in silence. When he returned, he stood across from Andrew again, but this time he was within arm’s reach.

“I had a nightmare,” Neil finally choked out. Andrew didn’t have any observable reaction, just nodded for Neil to keep going if he wanted to. “Lola,” Neil said, like that explained it all. It did, in a way. Andrew gave him a look, something along the lines of stop talking if you don’t want to. It was a fine line that Andrew and Neil were treading on. Neil had never trusted easily—a result of living most of his life on the run—and yet he often felt obligated to give himself up. When there was a question asked, he would answer no matter how much it might pick at his sense of security. He trusted Andrew, because Andrew trusted him. Just like how Neil stopped when Andrew said no, Andrew didn’t pry if Neil didn’t want him to. Neil was just having a problem knowing whether he wanted to or not. This nightmare, it seemed, wasn’t something he wanted to talk about.

Andrew nodded in understanding and instead hooked his fingers in the collar of Neil’s shirt.

Neil shuffled forward at the small tug Andrew gave his shirt, but stopped just short of the counter, where Neil’s hips would sit between Andrew’s knees.

“Does it help to sleep out here?” Andrew asked, meaning does it help to sleep away from me? Neil considered it for a moment. Having another weight in his bed was certainly a slightly jarring situation at first, after being away from his mother for so long, but when he thought about it, Neil always slept well when Andrew’s warmth was next to him. He couldn’t say the same for the couch, for when he slept alone.

“No,” he said, and it was the truth. Something shifted slightly in Andrew’s eyes, but neither of them acknowledged it.

Neil looked up at Andrew, who was sitting a few inches taller than Neil on the kitchen counter, and glanced back down at the space between them. Andrew nodded a simple yes and Neil stepped forward, positioning the front of his body against the counter and leaving only a few inches of room between Andrew and Neil’s mouths.

“Yes or no?” Neil asked. This was a different question and a simple nod wouldn’t suffice. Andrew grabbed a hold of Neil’s hands, not at all fazed by the mural of cuts and burns on them, and placed them on each of his thighs, bare below the boxers that had ridden up Andrew’s legs.

“Yes,” Andrew drawled, and hooked his two fingers around Neil’s collar again, pulling him forward.

Neil would never cease to be amazed at the feel of Andrew’s hands on his skin, the warmth in his chest at their mingled breaths and soft touches. Kissing Andrew was another world, another dimension, and it was all his. Neil stepped back when he started to feel his hands itch toward Andrew’s waist. He shoved them in his pockets. The curl on Andrew’s forehead was still there, hanging so beautifully out of place. Neil moved his hand slowly, slow enough that Andrew could track it and stop it if he wanted to. Still, before Neil actually touched Andrew, he hesitated.

“Can I?” he asked. Andrew rolled his eyes, but nodded nonetheless and Neil reached forward to brush the curl from Andrew’s face. When Neil looked him in the eye, Andrew rolled his again and smacked Neil’s hand away. Neil stepped out of the way when Andrew slid down from the counter and picked up his mug of hot chocolate.

“Sleep back in the bed. Yes or no?” Andrew asked, always making sure Neil was comfortable. Neil remembered the glint of hurt in Andrew’s eyes, the fear that Neil didn’t want to be near him. Neil knew better than to make a comment on it, so instead he tipped his unfinished tea down the sink and smirked.

“You know you’re the only one I want to wake up next to,” he said, watching Andrew for a a reaction. Andrew only glared and took a sip of his hot chocolate.

“Don’t be stupid,” he said. Neil smirked some more.

“I thought you liked my stupidity.” Andrew glared some more before he downed almost the whole mug of hot chocolate and dumped it in the sink. He grumbled something about stupid, mouthy rabbits before he grabbed a loose hold of Neil’s wrist and dragged him out of the kitchen and back to the bedroom. Neil flicked the kitchen light off on the way out.

[xlady-saya]

Hello! I don’t really use this account a whole lot but I wanted to go ahead and make a pinned post, which I’ll hopefully remember to update frequently lol. Anyways, here’s a collection of the fics I’ve written for aftg, andreil, and others so far ^^

progress comes in small steps series [complete]

and we’re just starting to get it [Rated T, 11.1k]

Neil is nothing and everything all at once, the entire universe for Andrew, however small of a universe that is. Even Aaron is starting to see it, though the pieces still don't line up.

And Andrew is trying to convince Aaron that he's never jealous? Yeah right. You don't spend your entire life being denied, being hurt, going through foster care with nothing to call your own only to be okay with someone else trying to take the one bright piece of life you call yours.

Or, Aaron is done with Andrew's shit and makes it his job to prove his brother wrong.

there’s always more to learn [Rated T, 12.3k]

The subject of Katelyn and Neil hasn't felt like dangerous territory in a long time, but Aaron feels the bomb countdown already coming to an end before Bee even opens her mouth.

"Well, the two of them are so alike," Bee goes on, oblivious to the tension leaking into the space. Her smile is pleasant, teasing. "It just goes to show how you and Andrew have similar tastes despite being so different."

The world freezes on its axis.

Andrew inhales a little too loudly the same time Aaron chokes on his spit. "W-What?"

trust is a slow process [Rated T, 7.3k]

If Katelyn had been stealthier, she could've escaped the crowded dance floor without Andrew seeing her.

But of course, she's no Neil.

Or: Katelyn and Andrew spend some unwanted quality time together, and Katelyn sees things for what they are.

someday there won’t be scowls [Rated T, 8.1k]

Neil finds that even with his mind's best efforts to hang onto the wounds of the past, his opinion of Aaron just isn't what it used to be. He can thank Andrew and Katelyn for a lot of it, but his own observations certainly help.

When he sees Aaron like this, the mix of worry and adoration on his face as he thinks of Katelyn, Neil can't help but feel too exposed himself.

It's a start.

I want this touch to be familiar [Rated E, 38.1k]

Deep down, Andrew knew he would always reach this crossroads, a time where the thought became too strong to ignore.

Going all the way with Neil. It's not something he can continue to avoid thinking about. When Andrew looks back to the days where he held Neil's hands down, when he never got off with him in the same room, he's forced to acknowledge how much he's allowed.

Not allowed. Welcomed. Wanted.

But that’s not all there is to it, and the desire to make a decision finally makes itself known.

if magic exists, you’re the closest thing [Rated T, 16.2k]

The concept of love is not one Andrew understands.

For a long time, it escaped him. It's always fuzzy, always distorted. He'd given up on it long ago, so why is he still chasing answers?

Whatever the reason, he's content to blame Jean Moreau for a lot of things, Katelyn too.

It's their fault he's here, at the happiest place on earth.

this red is for you [Rated T, 10.8k]

Katelyn never considered herself capable of doling out violence.

It has always been a far away thought, dampened by college courses and late night dates with her boyfriend. She lives a stereotypical life, despite everything she's been through with Aaron. Aside from her growing connection with the notoriously troublesome Foxes, nothing much about her life has changed.

Even then, she's learning she's still able to surprise herself. When Katelyn witnesses Neil defending Andrew, her own protective rage rears its head, ready to be explored.

And maybe that's a good thing.

an unconventional crossing [Rated T, 8.1k]

Aaron likes to believe he and Andrew have a lot more practice navigating their conversations now. And he’s right, mostly. But sometimes, challenges arise at the strangest times, and especially when their significant others are concerned.

In which Andrew and Aaron run into each other at the grocery store, and choose not to part ways.

the roads I traveled with you [Rated T, 35.5k]

When his brother gets engaged, Aaron doesn't expect it to send his head spinning as much as it does. Marriage has always felt like a dream, or a nightmare, one he never thought either of them would be able to achieve.

In that moment, Aaron remembers what he's always known, what keeps his head above water. He wants to be with Katelyn forever. That's never been a question. But marriage hadn't been brought up. For so long it was this abstract concept, a fantasy. He'd always reasoned with himself that it would happen, rationally of course it would, but now...

Now Andrew has made the idea a reality, and Aaron has to confront his own wants for his future.

one shots/multichapters

I’ve had a love of my own [Rated T, ongoing]

Despite everything Neil could’ve imagined for his life, he never thought he’d be here, finally giving the world the interview they’ve always wanted.

It’s been decades, but even with his numerous accolades and sports wins, he finds that they’re the least important thing about his life.

Neil can’t help but laugh. Andrew would be so annoyed if he were here.

Of course, Neil only wants to talk about him, and the life they spent together.

slurred [Rated M, 1.6k]

They're not the type of people to give up control, but with each other they're willing to bend the rules.

growing pains [Rated T, 10.6k]

Stuart knows it’s perfectly normal for teenagers to have crushes. That’s why he’s not surprised in the slightest when Neil starts acting strange; lighter, happier. However, what he doesn’t expect is for the crush to leak into his everyday life—or literally take up residence in his house. Or: five times Stuart knew Neil was hiding a nighttime guest, and one time he actually met him.

your hands are mine to hold [Rated E, 6.7k]

It has taken a long time for Thea to accept a lot of aspects of their past. Her eyes track the fear in Kevin's eyes, emboldened by how his own resolve wears it away year by year. She'll never take that sight for granted.

It's hard to ignore the weights on both of them, with their lives so eaten up by the Exy world and memories of the Nest, but one thing has always remained consistent.

Thea trusts Kevin Day with her everything, and she'll never hesitate to follow him into battle.

better than a night light [Rated T, 7.3k]

Neil hasn’t had the chance to examine the feeling of fear in a long time. He’s all too familiar with it though; from the nightmares, to the memories of a cold basement floor, he knows the feeling like the back of his hand.

But this fear is new, loaded with ridiculousness and a complete lack of reason. It’s nothing more than pixels on a screen, far away theories that can’t hurt him like his past can.

Maybe that’s why he’s beginning to not mind it as much. It doesn’t hurt that Andrew is also there to hold him through it.

Playtime [Rated E, 6.7k]

There was a time when Andrew might've questioned being so into this.

Not anymore.

take what you want [Rated E, 5.4k]

Laila has come a long way from her freshman year, past all the worries and pressure to behave a certain way. She never thought she’d realize it here, lounging poolside with her girlfriend.

The urge to seduce Alvarez is just too good to let go.

a product of absence [Rated T, 7.8k]

It’s funny, Andrew thinks, that this would be seen as a curse in any other situation. Two people, thrown apart by time and circumstances, desperately searching for one another.

But Andrew has never doubted Neil’s return. He’s not running, he’s not worried. It’s perhaps the only waiting game that’s been worth it, that he understands, because this bond with Neil has only ever made sense to him.

In another life, Neil made this much clear: they would always find each other in the end.

here I am, there you go again [Rated T, 17.5k]

There's many things about the past Neil chooses to leave behind, and most of the time it's for the best. For some reason though, his brain can't help but cling to the last memories of him.

"My Ex." Neil bites his tongue at the word, because it never feels right. At this point, so many years later, that man is no one. A stranger. He shouldn't presume to know him anymore than his ex should presume to know Neil.

If he remembers Neil at all.

But Neil should know better than anyone that the past always has a way of catching up to him, and this time, he's not as willing to run as he might've initially thought.

losing battle [Rated M, 3.4k]

It's always been Nicky's dream to be closer with his cousins. However, when he opens Andrew's mail to find more than he bargained for, he finds himself regretting the wish. Unfortunately, no matter how much Andrew's warmed up to him in the last few years, Nicky's pretty sure he'll die (literally) if Andrew finds out.

Nicky's mission begins.

temper, temper [Rated T, 3.7k]

"You paid for the deluxe package," Neil says as he scrolls through his payment history to find his client's invoice. His system is simple:

Basic Package: Fuck you. A general statement of displeasure and a brief description of the wrongdoing.

Intermediate Package: Fuck you, with passion. Everything in the basic package, but with additional insults. Customizable for an extra fee.

Deluxe Package: Fuck you to hell. Everything from the first two packages, for an extended period of time, and with extra viciousness.

And it looks like Andrew Minyard is the unlucky soul today.

a new contract [Rated T, 7.2k]

Neil’s request is simple on its face, but infinitely complicated given his history.

“Convince your team to sign me.”

And this was Andrew’s deal: If Neil can prove that he’s serious, that he can build a new life for himself so that he doesn’t end up crawling back to Riko, Andrew will convince his coach to recommend him for recruitment in the fall.

Yes, it was meant to be black and white…

But Andrew should’ve known better. Nothing ever is.

What a Rush [Rated E, 1.6k]

It's always Andrew's goal to stretch Neil's pleasure to its limits, and he's barely begun to scratch the surface.

locked together [Rated E, 8.3k]

Andrew licks his lips and tugs on the tail of the beast inside him, righting it so it can point him in the direction of what he's searching for. Neil looks good on top of him, panting and giddy, and it's rare that Andrew doesn't want to flip them over and make Neil fall apart.

But...every once in a while...

Well, he's relaxed today. He wants to listen, he wants orders, he wants to be controlled so long as the control comes from Neil.

do you like scary movies? [Rated T, 22.5k]

To say Andrew has never seen the benefit in the make-believe would be a lie. However, he finds less and less use for it as he grows older. He especially fails to see the benefits of anything from the horror genre; he’s made plenty of his own mistakes, has seen more than enough to terrify him in his life. He doesn’t need to rely on jump scares and idiotic protagonists.

But when he meets Neil, self-proclaimed horror archivist, he finds that maybe he never gave the genre the credit it was due, and he ends up thanking the dull movies eventually…

They lead him to Neil, the realest thing he’s ever known.

[awfullyaster]

andrew and neil are switches, don’t you forget it

ok hi here for my (probably) daily aftg rant,,,,so i’m seeing that the majority of the fandom (as far as i’ve seen anyway)--or fics/fanart consisting of andreil doing the do--view neil as a power bottom ?

am i incorrect? are my resources false? idk bout u but so far i’ve only seen like one fic where neil is the top/penetrator (!mao is that even a real word idk but it sounds weird haha cute ok anyway)

and honestly, i have to disagree. i do. i’m not trying to push andrew’s boundaries by saying that neil could top, i’m just saying that y’all don’t give neil enough credit.

liek,,,,,bro,,,,,do you not see the amount of top energy neil mf josten radiates ???? like, yes, we know andrew takes the lead but it doesn’t necessarily mean he’d top forever ?????

( just a proposition, ofc but this is just my opinion based on observations--yet again ) 

( and tbh i had difficulty trying to figure who was the top and who was the bottom between them when i encountered the first hint of intimate growth in their relationship--to the point where i had to ask my best friend who hadn’t a clue what aftg was prior to (that’s when the aftg rants officially started/ignited) and it took some time/proper discussion/consideration but he first came up with the conclusion that andrew was a sub top and that neil was a power bottom )

as for yours truly, i came to the conclusion that they are both switches (some time after i finished reading).

i mean,,,,,,can you really just look at neil josten--wholly, like his entire personality, attitude (problem !), traits, &c and decide on the spot that he’s a bottom ??? how ??? how the hell do you come up with that ?????

and hear me out, i have evidence/reasons:

one) The Great Riko Roast™️. need i say more? 

(if elaboration is necessary:

keep in mind that neil (this literal fucking nobody) burned riko (supposedly the king of exy or whatever the fuck, who cares) to ground on the spot (no script, just his attitude problem (mwah i love him) and pure spite)

again, he burned him to the ground on live television, publicly humiliating riko with each and every word

idk bout u but i am so damn sure andrew found out right then n there that this bitch radiates top energy for fucking sure (or, in his words, isn’t spineless)

neil committing arson via verbal attacks is just---splendid. absolutely mesmerizing. flawless. truly inspiring. gamechanging. glorious. 

he’s so rude i love him

anyway )

two) neil can shut up andrew up without having to touch or kiss him. he can leave him speechless. with just his words. 

(yes, we know anybody & everybody knows better than to touch andrew but like i mean he wouldn’t have to fight him or whatever) (and he doesn’t have to kiss him to shut him up--though he definitely can--he doesn’t have to because that’s just how fucking powerful he is)

y’all,,,,,are you ready for one of the most amazing lines i believe we all know and love,,,,,

““You have a problem wherein you only invest your time and energy into worthless pursuits."

“This,” Neil flicked his finger to indicate the two of them, “isn’t worthless.”

“There is no ‘this’. This is nothing.”

“And I am nothing,” Neil prompted. When Andrew gestured confirmation, Neil said, “And as you’ve always said, you want nothing.”

Andrew stared stone-faced back at him.

[...andrew had his hand frozen mid-air...(i forgot the rest)]”

if this does not prove dominance to you, i don’t know what to tell you. (HE WAS MERELY SPEAKING AND ANDREW COULD NOT COME UP WITH ANYTHING-- A N Y T H I N G --TO SAY BACK BC IT’S A PERSONAL ATTACK AND HE DIDN’T SEE IT COMING AND THAT’S WHY HE SEES NEIL AS INTERESTING/WHY HE ‘HATES’ HIM SO MUCH BRO I)

hOweVeR

i know that dom bottoms exist (i think so, anyway) or bottoms that radiate top energy/the position (i.e. bottom,top) energy you radiate can be entirely different from what position you really are/are comfy with and that these are just words but that brings me to my following point,

three) (#1 insitgator, he, oh yes, neil josten, yes indeed) his unexpected (and to be frank, quite thrilling) acts of asserting dominance ?????? um ????

(when they were kith kithing next to the kitchen (next to kitchen) in neil’s dorm room) “[neil felt his phone buzz in his back pocket and against the wall it was obnoxiously loud. he already knew it was his daily countdown, but he already knew how much little time he had left. he didn’t need to reminded, especially now...andrew took it out of his back pocket and offered it to neil, pulling away from his mouth. neil took the phone from andrew’s hand and threw it across the living room, not taking his eyes off andrew. andrew watched as the phone bounced off the couch and onto the carpet. neil kissed his neck in attempt to distract him and was rewarded by a startled jolt which was enough reason to do it again. and even though andrew pushed his face away, they were close enough for neil to not miss how andrew shivered.]” 

b r o ,,,,,,,,,,,, bro,,,,,,it just--

(when they were alone in the bus otw to that one away game--belmonte, i think?) “[“i wonder when coach found out about this,” neil prompted. 

“there is no ‘this’.”

“i wonder when coach found out you only want to kill me ninety-three percent of the time.”

neil retraced his steps and had a moment of realization. before andrew left for easthaven, neil had told andrew to trust him and not ‘neil’. 

“it was before you left,” neil started... 

“coach doesn’t believe what other people want him to believe, he believes what he sees,” andrew replied...

“are you going to tell them?” neil was referring to the rest of the team, and this was up to him, whether they’ll be out or not. 

“i won’t have to. renee says the upperclassmen are betting on your sexuality.”

neil knew that matt mentioned that there were bets on about him, but he didn’t know it was about this.

“it’s a waste of time and money. they’ll all lose. i’ve said all year that i don’t swing and i meant it. kissing you doesn’t make me look any of them differently. the only one i’m interested in is you.”

“don’t say stupid things.”

“make me.” and with that, neil grabbed a fistful of andrew’s hair and pulled him in.]” 

dude,,,,,,,,,he can take control,,,,,he can,,,,he can lead, too, but he follows andrew’s because he’s a good boy and he knows how important it is. he improvises and uses what he has and takes control from there. dude. dude. 

three) honestly? i think andrew likes it. neil’s unexpected acts of confidence,,,kinda leaves him on the edge of his seat yk,, like doesn’t it increase his percentage? it does, right? cuz ik it did when andrew guided neil to touch his chest and neil emulated andrew’s words, “i won’t be like them. i won’t let you let me be.” (i love them bye) but liek,,,,yeah idk andrew liking neil’s neck kisses/fetish kinda tells me he likes it so maybe this isn’t concrete evidence particularly but i’m still including it because andrew’s a switch, idc what anyone says, 

four) i lost my train of thought but i ran out of reasons--on the spot, anyway--so i might come back to this if i do but just to make it clear:

andrew minyard is a switch. (it just takes time, like a lot, but it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily impossible/never gonna happen.)

neil josten is a switch. (he respects andrew’s boundaries and doesn’t push him, he’s fine being guided, but it doesn’t mean he can’t take the initiative himself (and i forgot to mention it but re: when he asked andrew if he doesn’t like to be touched in general or if it’s a trust thing + many more times, before & after their first kiss, i believe, my brain is just empty rn) and i just think that deserves more recognition)

so !! 

(this post is a mess, (i always am but today’s just worse) i know, and i’m sorry)

in conclusion,

let neil top andrew !! they deserve it !! 

(not that vice versa is bad, but this isn’t either, yk, just saying. also, i hope this isn’t too late to say in the post, but i do not, i repeat, i do not, intend to pressure any content creator--fic writers, fan artists, editors, &c--to create content this particular way only,,,,okay,,,gotta make that unequivocally clear. and i’m not saying andrew topping neil is bad or overrated, because i know that when it comes to them, sex in general would take some time, especially neil topping andrew, but i think they deserve that freedom, yk. again,,,,this is just my personal opinion. no insisting statements here, just wish for freedom to speak my mind, that is all. also feel free to interact if you agree/disagree or both !! i’m willing to hear anyone’s comments or thoughts or whatever !! i hope i’m talking to a brick wall here ahah) 

bro brain poop rn

anyway

tl/dr: bro let neil top (not necessarily on top, but that works, too--either/or--or both, if y’all dare ;DD (kill me) (but like srsly) (let neil top) (plz) :))

(also somewhat off topic but might anyone have access to some fics in which consist of neil first getting andrew off ??? i randomly remember it from ms. sakavic’s extra content page and i would like to see what the fandom offers, if y’all don’t mind)

im so mean and insistent on my aftg-related opinions now that i think about it

whoops

[palmett-hoes]

how do you feel about jerejean?

okay im kinda gonna assume this was prompted by my post saying i don't like renison, which is honestly valid to question bc there's definitely a big problem of ppl dismissing wlw ships for "not having chemistry" and then turning around a going in depth shipping two dudes who have like 1 line of dialogue and never even meet in canon, which is pretty sus

but don't worry anon i'm at least consistent here bc i don't like jerejean either. in fact i dislike jerejean a lot more than i dislike renison. i didn't rlly wanna say anything bc i don't like criticising things publically unless i actually have something useful and constructive to say. i keep my kvetching between my friends

but yea if i'm gonna be criticizing the fandom's top wlw ship i should also clarify that i don't give a shit about jerejean lol. u might be able to tell bc i don't ever rb any jerejean content and if i do it's either really old or like just mentioned in a larger post. but also what i rb can only get you a pretty vague indication of my thoughts bc i rb plenty of stuff i don't agree with 100%

that sounds a little harsh. yes jerejean annoys me personally because it got so popular in the fandom despite absolutely no basis in canon, and often times it's the secondary ship in fics that get the most attention and development long before any of the upperclassmen and their relationships. HOWEVER i also understand where jerejean comes from so i don't really want to harsh too badly on people that like it

in summary, the jerejean dynamic is one that's appeared over and over again to the point where they have established personalities and interests and tropes associated with them that ppl recognize immediately and thus don't even have to think about. they're easy to write because they have in essence already been written. the structure to their story has been built wholesale by dozens and dozens of writers before in dozens of other fandoms, and all you have to do is find two characters to put in the right places and you essentially have a ready-made ship. jerejean is familiar to ppl because it's not original, it didn't come from aftg and it isn't even really based in aftg. it's its own thing that exists repeatedly across fandom

and i wanna be clear i'm not the one came up with this analysis. it comes from this post, what i call the Fandom Ghost Meta, and what i consider to be one of the best and most important fandom analyses i've ever read. i really encourage everyone to read it. it's several years old now so some of the ships it references are a little dated, and i think the tropes and dynamics have changed and evolved a little with time, but i still consider it an invaluable jumping-off point into being able to see and think critically about large-scale trends and movements within Fandom as a whole

this was the meta that encouraged me to look more critically at jerejean and to decide that i didn't want to get into it and i've essentially ignored it since then. but it's also what got me questioning a lot of things about the media i consume and the way i interact with fandom. it got me away from a lot of fandoms where i felt people had taken the ships so far away from canon that they essentially feel separate. it happens a lot in queerbait media and i get the urge to want something you like to be better than it is, but i found that analyzing and acknowledging my feelings towards the ships in relation to my feelings towards the show helped me sort through a lot of my motivations and desires for what i was looking for out of my media and what i was looking for out of fandom and it helped me choose when was the right time to move on from certain things rather than hang on in denial. and then it helped me focus and redirect my energy into exploring new things

[sinterblackwell]

Exy, hestory and spineless??? tons of loveeee

thank you for this 💜

get to know me through some kevin day themed asks !!

exy: do you plan to make a career out of your hobbies/interests?

maybe? my favorite hobby of all time is reading books, no question, but i think there’s a personal reason behind why i would consider to integrate it in my life where i can eventually make money off of it.

i have a lot of private moments when reading a story, because that’s how it is for every reader. and in my case, it’s those kind of moments where if someone were to have heard my thoughts or seen how a particular story affected me, it would be like a huge epiphany for them of just how deep in my head i can get. i’ve always been keen to wanting to record myself as i have long discussions alone in my room after reading a certain piece of text. and it doesn’t even just apply to just books!! it could be tv as well, definitely. if only you guys could have heard my rants after all the drama that was wtfock s3, it was incredibly enlightening for myself and was the only way i could stay emotionally sane due to all the discourse that ran rampant.

so in some way or another, i’ve always considered wanting to have my own podcast or radio station or something like that. some sort of career where i can bounce my own ideas and thoughts freely with someone or even just have someone listen in. every private moment i had, i always imagined someone hearing what i have to say and i can remember that yearning i felt and still feel to hear what they think of what i had to say.

so i can see myself going for these type of careers: blogger, editor, bookseller, journalist, reviewer, etc.

history: what’s a topic you can talk about for hours?

books.

such a general topic but there’s so much about it that i could talk about for hours. again, i have all sorts of thoughts and ideas on the stories i read and so talking about them with anyone absolutely makes my day. i talked with @evxnbuckley for days on end about the “all for the game” trilogy by nora sakavic, specifically with certain characters such as kevin day and riko moriyama. i proceeded to talk more about the plotlines that run through the same trilogy with another close friend of mine, which goes to show how much aftg has pervaded my thoughts since i first read it.

i got to talk a bit about adam silvera’s books with a fan account dedicated to said author’s works, all in the comments section through posts they’ve shared. i talked with @evxnbuckley again but about “the raven cycle” series last night, in where i’m currently at the second book as of now. i talked to myself for quite a while about this wattpad story i read a couple weeks ago, “hired to love” by @/jordanlynde_ because of how complicated this story became the more i read. i also ranted to myself during and after reading “felix ever after” by kacen callender because it erupted all sorts of feelings with me that i still can’t let go of, same with “let’s talk about love” by claire kann.

i’m telling you, i can make a whole career out of this if i can just figure out how to get there.

spineless: what are some misconceptions people have about you?

one that i can think of is that people are genuinely surprised of me once they hear my voice. the first assumption that most people make of me in real life is that i’m very quiet, which yes, i am but when they think “quiet”, they think i’m generally just a shy person. but what throws them off is when i speak up and turns out i’m not shy, i just prefer keeping a load of thoughts to myself until something or someone pushes me enough to speak said thoughts.

being in any class ever consists of me being very reserved and quiet half the time and then the other half, everyone’s staring at me in wonder after i rant about the death of george bell; an old man who died alone in his apartment and whose life was covered in his obituary where multiple sources pitied him for the lonely life that he lived that in itself, just goes to show why he was lonely in the first place, because he wanted to be. let a hermit be a hermit for gods’ sake.

basically, people don’t think too much of me because they don’t think there’s much to think besides the fact that i’m very reserved. turns out, though, i can’t seem to keep my mouth shut when i feel passionate about something.

only my teachers/professors ever really know what goes on inside my head through essays and discussion posts i write up. and so that’s why i’ve always been deemed as a “teacher’s pet” since childhood; because not only do i keep to myself and cause no trouble but i have a load of opinions to share that show i’m paying attention in class. it’s rather unfortunate that they’re the only ones who seem to know until certain discussions come up.