#myjunknthings

[picea-rubens]

A “Not Dead AU”, wherein Eleanor receives a letter informing her that she’s won two-and-a-half million dollars and a free week-long trip to France with the foxy, humanitarian model, Tahani Al-Jamil.  The thing is... the letter was sent to the wrong Eleanor Shellstrop, the money is actually funding for her “research”, and in order to receive it, she'll have to spend a full week pretending to be the CEO of a charitable organization that she knows nothing about.

…should be easy enough.  What could possibly go wrong?

 “Hi, my name is Eleanor Shellstrop, and I think you guys have a lot of money with my name on it.”

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A/N:  So, instead of working on one of my other in-progress works, I binged The Good Place and started another one.  The chapters in this one should be shorter, so I'm hoping I can churn them out quickly when I need a break from writing Crossroads... we'll see, I guess.  As always, I hope you enjoy it.

[picea-rubens]

So, I’ve been teaching a friend how to be safe around horses lately, and I just saw a post on here about being amazed by animals feeling safe enough to sleep near you… I’ve been training practicing natural horsemanship for over a decade, and it made me want to make a list of a few basic things some people might not know or think about when it comes to being safe around horses and making them feel safe around you:

Blinking and licking are good signs of thinking, relaxed horses – if they are not doing this, they are not calm – they’re terrified and possibly a bit catatonic.  Horses who are like this and keep getting pushed are the horses who spook/buck/explode and people say, “it came out of no where!”  No, it did not – you just weren’t really listening.

Horses have tri-focal vision.  The bottom, middle, and top of their eyes focus at different distances.  The top part of the eye is for things that are close-up, which is why horses typically lower their heads to look at you and/or inspect you with one eye when you’re near them.  When a horse is looking through the middle of its eye, then it can see what’s going on around it, while the bottom of the eye is the far-sighted portion of the eye.  Horses that fight to lift their head when approaching a jump are trying to judge the distance between them and the obstacle (so, let them).

Cock a foot (i.e. shift your weight more on one side) when chillin’ – this a relaxed, friendly posture when you’re not asking anything of them (they do this themselves all the time).  

Don’t stare them down if you can help it – predators do this.  We have forward facing eyes for depth perception; prey animals do not as their eyes are on the sides of their head.  Humans are predators.  They don’t know you won’t decide to eat them at some point.  Just because you haven’t eaten them yet, doesn’t mean you can’t later.  Anyone getting stared down by a mountain lion would feel uncomfortable.

Don’t approach them dead-on. Again, their eyes are off to the side rather than forward-facing like a predator. Predators approach in direct lines.  Horses meander, so approach them with your body and path at more of an angle, if possible.

Don’t pat them - stroke them instead.  Horses like feeling safe and comfortable.  Dogs and other predators like higher-energy rough praise.  Horses do not appreciate a pat in the same way that a dog might.  

I could go on for a very long time, but basically, if you stop and consider how your actions as a predator may be interpreted to a prey animal and adjust to accommodate that, then you’ll have a horse that will be calmer and more inclined to trust you.  I am constantly floored by the fact that a prey animal, such as a horse, can feel comfortable enough to let a predator on its back.  I’d say they do it like it’s no big whoop, but it IS a big whoop.  That’s like allowing a cougar on your back (they kill you by attacking your neck, so that’s a very vulnerable position) and being, like, “this is fine.”

That is so humbling and amazing to me.

[picea-rubens]

Crossroads - Chapter 2 (1-: Annie joins the Survey Corps)

“Life is a series of crossroads.  Eventually, a decision must always be made - every choice a turn into the unknown.  Annie picks several roads and soon finds that every path is a detour that leads straight to Mikasa.” OR That one story that splinters into multiple alternate time streams after the first chapter (which could be a one-shot all its own, if you like) because I couldn’t decide which I wanted to explore most.

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     “Nice hickey, Leonhardt. Didn’t know Ackerman was such a leech.”

A/N:  Well, hey! It took me almost three months to finish this, but at least I wasn't lying about writing it, yeah? This choice was the one that I originally was going to continue with before I decided that I also would like to see it from the other side as well.  I'm actually pretty nervous about this one.  You might have noticed that the rating has gone up to M.  I don't usually write a lot of fiction necessitating a M-rating, so I hope that it's not terrible.  Please let me know if you what you think and if you’re enjoying this or have any constructive comments. Cheers, friend.

[picea-rubens]

“Life is a series of crossroads.  Eventually, a decision must always be made - every choice a turn into the unknown.  Annie picks several roads and soon finds that every path is a detour that leads straight to Mikasa.” OR That one story that splinters into multiple alternate time streams after the first chapter (which could be a one-shot all its own, if you like) because I couldn’t decide which I wanted to explore most. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Where do you go at night, Annie?” Mikasa repeated as she slowly advanced on the blonde.  The dominance display - definitely – came off as intimidating as it was intended.  Annie vowed that she would never reveal - even under torture and pain of death – that seeing Mikasa like this was… doing it for her.  Fuck.  She filed the thought away to never be considered again and refused to back down.” A/N:  Hey, all!  I haven’t been using my tumblr lately, but I’m just dropping in to let anyone that’s interested know that I started writing a Mikannie fic.  It might be longest story that I’ve ever written. 

[picea-rubens]

Summary:      “I just love you is all,” Korra said, earning herself a raised eyebrow.  She went up on her toes to press a quick kiss to Asami’s lips.  “I was talking to some kids while you were shopping and one of them said something that I wasn’t expecting.  I’ll tell you about it on the ship later.  What was it that you were saying about my green fruit?”            “I said that they were weird and I got you some.”

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A/N:  I should've been working on my Mikaanie fic (the next chapter is half done btw), but whatever... this time it’s a korrasami one-shot because I love these two little bisexual chicken-noodles and they mean a lot to me.  Those two scenes in Turf Wars with Korra's parents and Kya got me thinking about media representation  and the fact that the people in the Avatar universe don't really have much in the way of media or celebrities. I started having feelings about it and then I ‘did the thing.’

[picea-rubens]

Someone: [Touches my face romantically] Me:  [Internally stress-screaming about potential acne]

[picea-rubens]

I’m in the mood to watch a show that doesn’t exist (yet, I think).

I want a quality LGBTQIA comedy along the same lines of Parks and Recreation or Brooklyn Nine-Nine that makes fun of stupid stereotypes instead of playing into them.  Like, Brooklyn Nine-Nine does a fantastic job with Captain Holt... but I want a massive amount of LGBT+ people of all ages in one space. 

Make it a community center or the Pride planning committee or a coffee shop/bar or something fun....I feel like there’d be limitless opportunities for under-represented groups in a show like that, and if done properly, then it’d be funny as all get-out. 

Give me a whole spectrum of people cast in a positive light in a silly, wonderful show that will make people smile when they’re feeling down. 

I’m bi woman, so I’d like to see a couple made of not one, but two bisexual women in a committed relationship... maybe make them super uptight and the complete opposite of promiscuous. Throw me in a bisexual man somewhere too because they’re too rare of a species on television.  

Who would you want to see in it?

[picea-rubens]

I cannot for the life of me find the original creator of this joke (it’s too mainstream now - it’s impossible), but it’s my new favourite thing and you are all going to hear whether you want to or not:

How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None.  They just compliment it and get mad when it doesn’t screw.

[picea-rubens]

For those who have never seen one, this is what a real Canadian blizzard looks like…nothing.  It looks like nothing because it erases the entire world outside your window. If you really, really squint, then you can see the houses on the other side of my narrow street. We’re getting an extra 40 cm today and I am so happy.

[picea-rubens]

Random Story Time

One of our clients came in a while back and gave us this horse training book that’s over a century old.  I have no idea why she didn’t want it anymore, but I had a blast reading in the lunch room for a few days.  I’ve been training horses for over 12 years, so it was a simultaneously hilarious, startling, and occasionally, horrifying experience.

Anyway, there was this chapter in the book called, “Taming Wild and Dangerous Horses.”  In this one paragraph, they were starting a ‘wild and dangerous’ horse with a saddle, and I shit you not, they suggested that you strap a saddle on this horse and immediately put a small boy on top.  Their rationale was that the boy would be too light for the horse to protest too much and if you have two people on either side of the horse holding the boy’s legs as they walked the horse around, then it would be “impossible for the boy to come off” (their actual words). It was the funniest thing I’ve ever read.  I wish I could have kept it.

[picea-rubens]

I was tagged by my lovely curly-hair-twin, @ tuerdedichauf.

Rules:  Tell your followers 11 random facts about yourself, and tag 11 people in return!  Tag backs are allowed, but you mustn’t repeat any of the facts you mentioned previously!  The facts can be absolutely anything!  Whatever springs to mind!  Let’s get started!

1.   I love to paint, but I’ve never actually finished a painting. The closest that I’ve ever gotten was the longboard I painted a few years back, but I never finish sealing it (so I can’t actually use it).

2.   I live in a sort of sketchy neighbourhood. A lot of weird stuff happens.  Once, we found a bar of soap in our pool and a layer on soap scum on the steps where someone had a bath in the night.

3.   Another time, I walked around the kitchen corner and saw down the hall that this guy had gotten into our sun porch and was just casually standing there, looking in.  I got my Dad, who went to question him.  When dad asked him if he could help him, the guy (who was our new, really creepy neighbour) only said, “do you want to make twenty bucks?”  Dad said no thanks, and the guy just left.  We never found out what he wanted; he used to spy on people with binoculars though, so I don’t think I really want to know.

4.   My best friend once called me at the end of our street because this guy pulled up beside her and demanded that she “get in his car”.  He took off because he thought she was phoning the cops. It was the scariest phone call I’ve ever gotten because I don’t think I could have made it there in time to help her if he hadn’t taken off.

5.   On a completely different note, I’m an insanely active person. I did Crossfit for 6 years before changing to a normal gym.  I still do weightlifting, powerlifting (which IS different), and calisthenics there daily.  I get a lot of strange looks for it.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m a woman or because some of it really does look weird, lol.

6.   I’m also big on snowboarding, rock climbing, hiking, and literally anything that will get me outside.

7.   My friend who taught me to snowboard several years ago has a very ‘learn or die’ sort of approach to teaching. I had been longboarding for years, so I picked it up pretty quickly; however, my second time ever on a snowboard, she had me go down a double black diamond run.  I was taking too long and it was minus 36⁰C.  When I was about half way down, she was like, “Well, I’m cold. I’ll meet you in the lodge.” Weirdly enough, I never fell after she left, hahah.

8.   I got my cockatiel, Max, for Christmas when I was in grade 5. We had lost our white cat, Phillip, a year previously.  My parents got me a bird because they thought he would be less messy than a cat (lol).

9.   I practice Parelli Natural Horsemanship and have been training horses (as a hobby, not for money) for over 12 years.

10.  I worked in a coffee shop for almost 4 years and have so many insane stories about people… once, a woman tried super hard to get me to tell her that the hazelnut K-cups either wouldn’t leave a residue in the machine or weren’t made with real hazelnut… mostly because she liked them, but her husband was “deathly allergic” to hazelnuts. No way was I going to say yes and be held responsible for his demise. When she asked me whether she should risk it, I really wanted to jokingly tell her that I guess it came down to how much she loved her husband, lol...  I ended up referring her to head office because “I really wouldn’t chance it” wasn’t what she wanted to hear.

11. I have a small crescent-shaped scar on one of my knuckles where I smacked my hand on a Ping-Pong table in middle school.

I just posted one of these tagging things, so I’m not going to tag anyone other than @quicksilversquared because you seem like a really cool person and the music one you tagged me in was fun, lol.

[picea-rubens]

Music Shuffle Challenge!

Tagged by @quicksilversquared

Rules: put all your music on shuffle and share the first ten songs that pop up. 

1. “Less I Know the Better” – Tame Impala

2. “Good Help (Is So Hard to Find)” – Death Cab for Cutie

3. “Creeper” - Islands

4. “Hotel Yorba” – The White Stripes

5. “This is Radio Clash” – The Clash

6. “Burning Pile” – Mother Mother

7. “Do It Twice” – Bob Marley

8. “Keep Your Hands Off Her” – The Black Keys

9. “Revolving Doors” - Gorillaz

10. “Vaporize” – Broken Bells

Ooh, you’ve found my weakness… music is such a big deal for me.  It’s super hard for me to pick a favourite band, but I’m a little surprised that The Strokes and The Shins didn’t pop-up given how much I listen to them… Broken Bells is close enough to the Shins though, I guess (James Mercer is in it… slightly different sound though).

Tagging:  @tuerdedichauf, @blackindiaink, @yes-we-exist, @threadgoodethebard …I can never tag many people because I start feeling self-conscious. I love all of you. If you’re not tagged and want to do it, then please consider yourself tagged.

[picea-rubens]

I have, like, three straight ships and a billion queer ships.

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I got my lead climbing certification recently :) 

[picea-rubens]

I hope you didn’t think I calling you names for real sorry if you did

No worries.  S’allgood, my friend.

[picea-rubens]

Sour-lemon-hickory-smoked-dick-widget-moon-crater

Guys, I didn’t actually mean come call me names, but thankyou. I appreciate the inventiveness. Yourinsult is top shelf.