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archaeopter-ace · 2 years

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So bradsmindbrain pointed this out in their most recent post, but since Ted has a son in the comics, does this make him a dilf? Discuss.

My immediate thought was ‘I’m too ace for this ask,’ lol, but I like receiving asks in good faith so I’m going to do my best to answer anyway. I will certainly get things wrong. And this probably isn’t the discussion you were hoping for, it's just where my mind went.

Plant sex is weird. So is animal sex, to be fair. We spent a week in EvoBio class talking about how weird it is that any organism has sex at all, because if you have good genes why would you risk combining them with inferior genes; wouldn’t you want to asexually clone yourself indefinitely? (The answer has to do with being responsive to changes in environmental conditions).

Sex feels pleasurable to encourage organisms to reproduce [citation needed]. This means that a lot of animals have courtship displays, or otherwise try to be attractive to members of the same species. Plants do not do this. Plants are not trying to attract other plants; they are trying to attract pollinators, species from a completely different phylum altogether. Unless they are wind-pollinated, in which case they just have to be willing to expose themselves. Or unless they engage in any number of asexual reproductive strategies available to plants.

Things plants are attracted to: sunlight, and an upwards direction (negative gravitropism). Does a plant feel pleasure in meeting this attraction? Quite possibly. Is that pleasure sexual in nature? Probably not.

I still remember the last question on my Botany exam: “What are two things you learned in this class that you will never forget?” and years later, I have not forgotten my answers: 1) that angiosperm reproduction is more complicated than you think. I correctly guessed that I would not remember exactly how it was complicated, but I do remember that there’s actually two generations of tissue inside every acorn. Like after the ovum is pollinated it sort of has sex with itself, copying genes and combining them again, so that the sapling that eventually grows is actually the grandchild of its parents. 2) Tomatoes, at least in the U.S., are legally vegetables, due to a 19th century Supreme Court ruling.

My point is, on the one hand, it is dubious that plants experience sexual gratification. On the other hand, plant monsters are fictional, and this is fandom, so truthfully the diversity of the plant kingdom can be co-opted to fulfill any and all kinks a person might have, and then some. (He’s got tentacles on his face, I know what that means.) Conclusion: Ted fucks, but it’s very weird, and probably psychic.

But that wasn’t your question! Your question was whether or not he’s a dilf. And here, I don’t think he fits the profile. Because the way the mainstream uses milf and dilf are actually fundamentally different, imo. Milf has been around for a while, iirc it was definitely mainstream by the time Gilmore Girls used it in a commercial. But from what I’ve gathered from rom-coms, milfs are sexy despite being moms, rather than because of it. (*obviously there’s plenty of people who feel different, I’m just going with broad-strokes impressions, here, based on heterosexual rom-coms.)

Why a milf designation would be needed to describe an attractive woman comes, I think, from the fact that (again, according to movies), already having kids is a ‘red flag’ to bachelors looking for a partner. A milf is also likely to be an older woman, and there was data published (but not peer-reviewed, to my knowledge) by the OkCupid founder that found that while women were most attracted to men the same age as them, men of all ages found women in their early twenties most attractive (to be fair, men were most interested in women closer to their own age). So, statistically, older women are seen as less attractive by society. Hence a milf designation, to say that this woman is sexy despite her age.

For dilfs, the calculus is different. Women are already more likely to find older men attractive (again, apologies for the heteronormativity of this data. Gay men with daddy kinks are an important part of our queer community. Also older gay and bi and pan men in general, and nonbinary folk attracted to older men, etc. etc., I just don’t have the data. Quite possibly ‘dilf’ as a term is used almost exclusively by the queer community, in which case I’m just completely barking up the wrong tree. I just don’t know what I'm talking about).

So what makes a dilf different from just any single man is fatherhood; sexy because he’s a dilf. Now, fatherhood could be sexy for kink reasons, or it could be that it’s used as an indication of being a caregiver, having a nurturing personality. Toxic masculinity says that men don’t actually enjoy taking care of kids; dilfs say otherwise. I think a really good example of this is the comparison of Hugh Jackman on two different magazine covers - in one, he’s Wolverine; shirtless, flexing, and scowling. On the women’s magazine cover, he’s smiling and wearing a sweater/jumper/pullover/idk what they call it in Australia.

I could be waaaaaaaay off base. I’m not tapped into actual dilf discourse to know what people are actually talking about. But based on my guesses, Ted is not a dilf, because he’s an absentee father. Even when he was still present, he was emotionally absent. This isn't to say he's not a nurturing guy! Just that, if he is, it's not because of fatherhood. (*I've read a limited number of Man-Thing comics, I mostly know him from cameos and summaries, so I don't know how accurate my characterization is)

#ask replies #ted sallis #man thing #marvel #my personal opinion (as much as i have one) on ted's attractiveness is 'too hunky'#ymmv of course

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seollenda · 3 years

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Twice x reader where an alpha mates with reader but her ... is just big and overwhelming but she comforts reader and says "Mommy will make it fit"😩

of many ways to trust (omega!reader x alpha!jihyo)

whoa i love that quote thank you anon

also this ended up omega reader’s first time/first heat. jihyo is the sweetest alpha and i am clearly deep in a jihyo phase rn LOL

CW: g!p abo smut, mommy kink, omega!reader’s first time, minors dni

word count: ~2100

being a late bloomer, the subject of your heats had always been a sensitive topic. as soon as your first one passed with little event, you’d begun suppressants. not just for the sake of your career, but also because it was a matter you just didn’t want to deal with.

but now here was your first proper heat, the strictly regimented six month break off medications. you were given the choice to wait it out through a state of the art heat clinic, but the thought of the sterile white space, being drugged while pharmaceuticals worked their magic to dampen and accelerate a week of heat into three days of hospital stay…no. you’d rather take anti fever medications and take care of yourself at home.

lying on a cooling mattress topper helpfully supplied by another member, you began to regret your maybe arrogant choice. the initial 12 hour onset of biological symptoms, mostly discomfort and fever, were manageable.

but now your mind jumped haplessly from one increasingly lewd thought to another, especially when it settled on (mortifyingly) your fellow members.

the group knew you were going through this and offered you both their support and your space when you needed it. shutting yourself away in your room made sense, at least until it started to feel suffocating and found yourself wandering out in a tired daze.

tzuyu was sitting at the dining table, rifling unbothered through a magazine with a cup of hot tea. the omega glanced up at you, mild concerned amusement in her gaze as she took your situation in.

“are you okay, y/n?” she asked, setting her mug down. “do you need anything?”

“i…” you trailed off, not having an answer. you barely registered the sound of another bedroom door opening and shutting in the hallway, startling at the hand gently laid on your shoulder.

you turned, immediately knowing who it was by the warm honey scent of the alpha. park jihyo stood before you, her warm eyes crinkled into a gentle smile. you could’ve fallen into them right then and there.

“our sweet y/nie,” she pushed a lock of your hair behind your ear, and your skin immediately raised in goosebumps at her slight touch. “how are you doing?”

“jihyo unnie,” you breathed, voice embarrassingly warbling.

“do you need anything? were you out here to talk to an omega?” she was considerate as always, her tone sweet but serious for a moment. you shook your head dumbly, before realizing you were staring at her lips. she wet them with a quick, nervous flash of her tongue, and you realised (with maybe a bit too much gratification) that maybe she felt something too.

“did you want me to come with you?” she finally asked, as innocently as she could’ve phrased the question. she offered you her hand, and you took it, wordlessly shuffling toward your door. you heard tzuyu giggle and turn a page, but couldn’t be bothered to care, opening your door and letting the alpha into your space.

she settled on the edge of your bed, watching you as you shut the door and clicked the lock on. her smile widened, her eyes shining with new excitement as you unabashedly climbed to straddle her on the bed, resting your hands on her shoulders as she gazed up at you.

“unnie, i need help…” you mumbled, leaning forward to bury your nose by her neck and breathe her in. your heart fluttered at the scent of arousal that began to emanate from the alpha below you.

“what do you need, babygirl?” she murmured. the new pet name sent a shock of new intrigue through you, made you splay your legs wider until she could feel the dampness of your shorts against her bare thigh. jihyo let out a nervous laugh, letting her hands settle on your waist. “tell me what you need, baby.”

“i need an alpha…” you muttered shyly. “i can’t do this without…without you.”

“okay.”

she pressed a sweet kiss to your cheek before getting ready, undressing you and her until the cold air and the sight of your group’s leader sent goosebumps down your body again. you’d always known and found her absolutely beautiful…but now a new longing permeated your being until the sight of the alpha made you dizzy. it felt stronger than magnetism, more so the pull towards an inevitability.

her cock was only half-hardened, but you could already tell, even in your heat daze, that she was big. her hands passed over its length a couple times, and you watched in quiet awe at its growth, the bead of pre cum that shone at its head. you wanted to taste it, you realised. you wanted this alpha all to yourself, and you’d have found this more mortifying if you hadn’t been fully consumed by heat lust.

the alpha’s breathing was heavier, and you realised that her own jacking off was with an undisguised appreciation of your own naked body. you sighed, reaching hungry hands toward the alpha that stood over you. she let go of her dick, leaning forward to kiss you and be in your arms.

her affections were sweet and nurturing, attentive to every inch of your body, making you go from silly shy giggles to sudden whimpers when her lips roved and landed squarely on your breasts. she hummed appreciatively at your vocalisations, running her hands down your body.

her cock pressed against your thigh, by now rock hard, when she came back up to kiss your lips again. you sighed, your hips moving against thin air in increasing need. the alpha paused for a moment, weighing her next words.

“does our baby need mommy’s help in her heat?”

you let out the most needy sigh, your eyes fluttering shut and blushing in spite of yourself. you felt yourself falling deeper into the omega instinct. so seductive and easy to submit to.

“yes, mommy.”

“what a good girl.”

jihyo was evidently pleased by your choice to play along. she touched you properly now, a low pleased laugh escaping her at the sensation of your endless wetness now. when her fingers lightly pried at your mouth, your lips dropped open obediently, taking her fingers on an eager tongue as you realised you were tasting yourself on the alpha’s fingers.

“doesn’t our princess taste so good?” she murmured, nuzzling your neck as you began to suck hungrily. “doesn’t she deserve mommy’s cock?”

“yes,” you mumbled nearly incoherently around her fingers.

satisfied, she withdrew her hand, only to lower it to her cock.

when you opened your eyes, the sight of an alpha cock, proudly erect and shining with saliva, your wetness, and beads of precum that now leaked gradually from its head. it made you gulp with new anxiety.

the alpha noted your silence and lifted your chin to meet her eyes. they were nothing but loving.

“we’ll go slowly, baby.”

she propped your head and shoulders up on pillows before gently shuffling until she was between your legs on the bed. she lightly massaged over your clit until you were sighing softly in muted pleasure, wanting more. you barely registered when her thumb was replaced by the head of her cock, rubbing and running gently along the outside of your pussy. jihyo couldn’t stifle the exhale of pleasure at the sensation, and soon you began to feel the biting lust for more, the discomfort from earlier flaring into more informed demands now.

the alpha seemed to read your mind. she ran a gentle, comforting hand over your abdomen, smiling gently at you. your lips parted and shut in a loss for words, unable to figure out how to convey your mess of emotions. the unbridled love you were receiving, the intense attachment you felt for the alpha, the deeply instinctual need to be filled and bred, all the feelings and sensations you’d never experienced to such a degree before.

and on top of all that, a fear as you regarded her cock; beautifully hard and erect, huge, just too big.

you whimpered.

“i know, babygirl,” she cooed, brushing your hair out of your face with her other hand. “it’ll make you feel so good, trust me.”

“i want you…but i don’t know if i can…” you managed to whisper, your cheeks burning. your pussy clenched and unclenched of its own accord at the thought of being stretched and filled.

“i know baby. but an omega in heat can take a lot more than you’d expect.” she rubbed your pussy lips, distributing the slick that now dripped from you. “it’ll be just what you need.”

“okay.” you nodded, breathing shaky at her ministrations.

she smiled lovingly at you again, taking her cock into a steady hand. she covered herself in your wetness until she was as lubricated as you were.

she pressed the head gently at your entrance, her other hand stroking your lower abdomen comfortingly. the gentle pressure on your entrance gave way to the sensation of the first inches of her cock slipping inside.

jihyo breathed in sharply, feeling your pussy instinctually tighten around the tip of her cock. she stayed still for you, listening to you moan softly at the new sensation. it sparked something, just the beginning of addressing the gnawing hunger. but this hint quickly gave way to a renewed need.

and yet, even just the beginning was big, and when you began to feel her press imperceptibly further, the pressure of your virgin omega pussy being stretched had your breath hitching.

“mommy,” you whimpered, a hand pressed on her abs. now the alpha’s breathing was heavy, and she laid a hand over yours, stopping for just an instant.

“don’t worry,” she panted, and you felt her start to push deeper again. “mommy will make it fit.”

and somehow, she did. each inch felt like you couldn’t take more, yet your body was receptive in ways you couldn’t imagine. somehow she ended up fully inside you, her hips flush against yours, staying still as the two of you struggled to handle the sensations of each other.

“god, baby,” she managed as your pussy fluttered around her girth. “you’re so tight.”

you felt filled, completed, an alpha pressed into the deepest part of you. this was what mating was about, you pondered in fragmented thoughts. the deepest expression of physical presence. you felt so there, feeling the alpha entirely focused on you.

instinct egged you on soon after.

“mommy,” you whined softly. she smiled at your words. “breed me.”

she began to move, and this made you properly moan this time, loud and shameless, even as her pace started slow. tears sprung to your eyes at the stimulation, overwhelmed and gratified and needing more and more.

jihyo felt her own need take hold now. her breaths came faster and turned to low groans as she indulged in your pussy, let you draw her closer to the climax she wanted to give you. you were impossibly tight around her girth as she drew in and out, and barely yielding to the last inch of her length.

you came first, just a moment earlier, the steady work of the alpha nudging you to your first mating orgasm. your pussy clenched around the fullness of a cock for the first time, with an intensity that made you cry out and only want more.

her knot was an even larger presence, and as you barely returned to a prescience of mind, the impending conclusion drew fresh nervousness in you.

“mommy knows best, babygirl,” she murmured between labored gasps. you whimpered, but she didn’t cease.

“your knot…”

“you won’t feel right without it,” she said, dipping her head by your ear. “trust mommy.”

“yes, mommy,” you stammered, already approaching your second climax with her.

the size of her knot meant that its entrance was complete and sudden, with a spike of pain that made you yelp in brief panic. but jihyo was soon emptying into you with a low exclamation of absolute satisfaction, long rounds of cum gradually filling you in a final stage that made you orgasm again. it was the most perfect orchestration. the alpha gave her omega everything, the fulfillment of a heat that finally began to settle your being.

“such a good sweet girl.” she nuzzled you, panting as she tried to regain her breath. she was locked inside you, the knot a steady, comforting pressure on the shallow inside of your pussy. “did so well for her first time.”

“did i do it right?” you asked, your voice still weak. she laughed, a low expression of affection that made you blush. she pressed a kiss to your cheek, blissfully sunk into you emotionally as much physically.

“you were perfect, baby.”

#minors dni #twice imagines #twice omegaverse #twice smut #twice fanfic #jihyo imagines #smut #omegaverse #submission #kpop omegaverse #kpop smut

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aria-chicken-flugget · 4 years

Text

MC reacts to The Brothers (+Undateables)

In a crop top ~ Yum

Due to the *NSFW undertones, I will NOT be writing any for Luke, obviously.

Sorry this took me ages haha i ran out of creativity for these. On that note, let’s jump straight in 😉

The Undateables

Simeon 😇

Similarly to Beel, will not see your request as anything unsavoury you cheeky thing, you

“What is a ... ‘cropped top’?”

Basically wears them anyway

Is used to showing a little skin, so would think nothing of it

After all, God intended Human Beings to be naked, so this is not weird

The only thing odd about it, is that you specifically requested it

He still wouldnt see it in that way tho lol

The one he’d wear wouldn’t surprise you, because it’s not too dissimilar to what he normally wears around RAD

Black, sleek and skin tight - sleeveless to reveal his perfectly sculpted shoulders and with a high neck - cerulean blue accents to match his eyes

Your jaw fell slack at how attractive it looked on him

His piercing blue eyes crinkled as he smiled, “I guess this one suits me, then?”

Oop - ah well, who cares if he knows your staring?

He’s an angel ffs - of course he looks amazing

“You...” you couldn’t seem to find the words to encompass what the mere sight of him did to you

His face would fall a moment, “is something wrong, MC?”

You’d flush, shaking your head with a nervous laugh, “No... well, God probably wouldn’t forgive me for thinking it but -“

You can’t bring yourself to finish that sentence

Fairly certain he was aware of where your thoughts were headed, his cheeks would tinge rouge

He’d play Innocent TM as not to blur the line or complicate things...

You’d make it ducking difficult though

Yes i said ducking, Simeon is an Angel he legally cannot say fuck

It’s just... the way you were ogling him, undressing him with your beautiful and captivating eyes... fjdlficjsn

His chest would tighten, breath caught and heart in his throat

He was well aware what that feeling was, his brows downturned at the thought

“Is something wrong, Simeon?”

He’d hold a hand up, gently but firm, “No, i’m alright, thank you.”

You can’t help but feel a little guilty... after all you did just have certain thoughts about an Angel

Seeing your crestfallen face, he’d immediately snap to - gently reaching for your hand with that crinkly eyes smile,

“Don’t look so glum, MC. Everything’s alright.”

He was simply radiant, you couldnt help but return that smile

Depending on what floats your boat, i’ll let you imagine what the outcome was

Solomon 🧙‍♂️

Hahah oh boy...

“Oh? And why would you want me to wear that?” ;) TEASE

Would give That Smirk TM

This could literally go one of two ways:

One, he wears a cute cropped T and says “Well, what were you expecting from me?” ;) TEEAASSEE

He knows God damn well what you were expecting lmao

Quite literally wears some leather skin tight crop that shows off all his tatts, all his packs and muscles... like dayum haha

Either way you’re speechless

He is one cocky lil shit, he’d love it

“Finally i’ve drawn your attention from those brothers, have i?” “Wh-what?!” “;)”

Nosebleed

“I’d like to request you wear one too, it’s only fair after all.”

Whilst having you gently ensnared against a wall between his palms, with those eyes entrancing you to keep you there

You’d never seen him in that light so deeply than after your request

Your eyes trail his form once again, surprisingly more muscular than you’d anticipated from under the RAD uniform

You’d flush from under his gaze, not quite sure where to look, what to say -

“Cat got your tongue?” Ajsksknxdn

He’d need want to hear you say it.

“I - i didn’t realise you’d tease me about it.” You look away with rosy cheeks

His teasing smile would falter a moment, asking more seriously, “why would you ask me to wear a crop top?”

You’d find his gaze, tongue tied for an answer

You’d swallow from under his penetrating gaze that seemed more serious than before

“I...” why did you ask him again?

“I just... wanted to see it.” “‘It’? That’s not very specific.” Ahsksknsk LOL such a tease

You’d hate that he made you admit it, you forced through gritted teeth, “I wanted to see what you looked like in a crop, what more do you want me to say?”

His smirk tugging on his handsome lips again before warm breath carasses the shell of your ear, “I want to see what you look like too.”

Lmao #Exposed

Nosebleed 2.0

Barbatos 🕰

Yo, you would have some mad guts to request it when he’s working hahah

He would instantly flush and comment calmly how inappropriate your request is

Diavolo would laugh if he heard your request and his reponse from beside you both

But if you were alone with him, perhaps a little closer to him...

I stand by the fact i think ‘Barbietos’ is a Dark Horse TM

This man has a dark side lowkey yandere vibes maybe? Idk yet need to see more of him tbh

if you’re close and you ask, similarly to Solomon he’d smirk and tease

Barbatos is sarcastic but he wouldn’t snark you for this, especially with your blushing features

He’d utter your name, before finally mustering the strength to ask, “what kind of cropped top do you want me to wear?”

You’d have to be immensely private about it, ofc he can have a private life but he is literally at the service of the Prince of that realm

Not just the crop top request etc, the entire relationship would be kept under radar for a long time

I can see his crop being loose, the satin like material draped tastefully from his shoulders and revealing his midriff

The emerald green colour so dark you thought it was black until you saw it’s sheen under the light

You might have already seen his body at this point but you can’t help absorbing his features like a sponge

His abdominal muscles, his strong shoulders... he was also much stronger than he looked under a uniform

He’d stand before you, as you rise to your knees upon his sheets, eye level with his chest

“Tonight, I could serve you for a change.”

He’s probably not as quiet as we think

Diavolo 👑

If Lucifer ever heard about your request, you’ll be out of the Devildom faster than you can say Demonus

You’d have to be incredibly brave and or stupid to even ask in the first place...

However, Diavolo wouldn’t actually mind, “come now Lucifer! It’s a fashion trend in their realm! It sounds fun!” With That Laugh TM

Diavolo is actually pretty lonely, loads of people feel they can’t approach him so he’d acc happy that you felt you could ask that of him

If you were closer than that, you’d be visiting the palace upon his request

If and when you’re alone, you’d ask him to wear one

He still wouldn’t initially see it in that way, his own demon form is shirtless

“I’d like to try one! Have you any ideas in mind?”

After understanding the nature of your request, something will flash passed in those golden irises

“I see... so this garment will grant you a certain gratification?” BLUSH

It’s not secret that Diavolo is the biggest demon, he is one big muscle machine

You’d struggle to find a crop that fit him ngl

he’d have one custom made from your design idea

You’d want him in a maroon or black one, specked with elements of gold to match his eyes

It would be snug due to his size, seeing every inch of muscle from underneath like a marble sculputre

There was something so.. awe inspiringly beautiful about it your breath stopped short

Any prior thought was lost as you silently trace the edges of him with your eyes

“Do you like it?” :) - well... duh haha

“What are you doing still standing over there?”

All would fall silent save for faint breaths and the steady beating of your hearts as you trace the crop’s fabric with your fingertips

He’s surprisingly soften as he’d watch you doing so

He’d wrap his strong arms around you, gentle fingertips stroking your hair

he’d murmur “I’m pleased you like it.”

Soft kisses planted on your forehead and you’re a goner - putty in his arms

“Might I ask... would you wear one?”

You bloody well would lmao

Might edit these later and need to link to the brothers one but hey ho, enjoy! ✨

#obey me #obey me HCs #The Undateables in crop tops #MC reacts to the Undateables #obey me undateables #Obey me Simeon #obey me Solomon #obey me Barbatos #obey me Diavolo #om! swd #obey me brothers

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arofili · 4 years

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how’d u get into writing? like, writing fic and being part of the silm community, being Known, that stuff? i’m really new to being a silm cc and i’d love to know ur advice! also: how’d u build up the confidence to start posting meta/hcs? bc i have a Lot of hcs and meta ideas but also i’m really anxious abt posting them bc yknow anxiety is like that

these are some great questions, anon! I’m gonna go through them one by one :)

how’d u get into writing?

not to be like, super cliche, but I’ve...kind of always been a writer? as long as I can remember I’ve been telling stories, and when I was too young to read or write I would dictate them to my mom, who would type them up for me and help me choose clipart illustrations to accompany them. when I got old enough I would always be writing; I attempted my first novel at age 9, and while that never really went anywhere I did finish the darn thing and it had some pretty sophisticated plot twists for a 9-year-old!

like, writing fic

around the same time I got into fandom! I was deep into Warrior cats (like. really deep) and I believe I started writing my first fics when I was like? 10 or 11? my memory is kind of fuzzy on the order of things, but I know I got an account on the Warriors forums when I was 9, and that I was already posting my fic there when I made my FFN account. I believe I was 12 when that happened, but who knows. I haven’t the faintest idea of what happened with those forums, but uhhh pretty much all of my Warriors fic is still up on FFN lmao. you could probably find that if you want to but um...maybe don’t?

my first Big Fic was a self-insert of...my entire 5th/6th grade class into the then-current timeline of the Warriors books...well. I honestly think that might still be my most popular fic of all time l m a o though I try not to think about it because Hashtag Cringe. though as much as I look back on that time with a “yikes,” I am very grateful for the Warriors fandom in a way? that place was so accepting and encouraging of OCs, of AUs, of completely disregarding canon, of worldbuilding that is completely alien from canon - it was a fantastic sandbox to begin with, there were so many ways to write stories and practically all of them were accepted and had fellow fans invested in them!

and being part of the silm community,

soooo I wrote Warriors fic until my freshman year of high school (wow sdjfhkdsjfh), which was when BOTFA came out, and I was absolutely wrecked by the ending and immediately started writing my own fixit fic. I was also super hooked on Kiliel! so that was my intro to the Tolkien fandom; and simultaneously, I joined tumblr, and, well, the rest is history tbh.

I honestly do not remember when I first read the Silm, but I kind of got into the more obscure parts of the Tolkien fandom through fandom osmosis, and I do have a vague memory of doodling the Finwean family tree in geometry class so it might have been later on in freshman year? that was also the same time I was having my Queer Awakening, and Russingon definitely contributed to me unlearning my internalized queerphobia, so probably around then.

anyway - queer awakening, tumblr, Tolkien, transitioning from FFN to AO3 - all of that was happening around the same time. I know I dipped my toes in the Silm fandom then, but I was still primarily a Hobbit fic writer focusing on Kiliel. toward the end of high school I kind of shifted to LOTR and (qp) Gigolas...but somehow the Silm fandom is the most active of the Big Three within the Tolkien fandom, and I was getting dragged further and further in.

it wasn’t until @backtomiddleearthmonth 2019, my freshman year of college, that I really dove into writing Silm fic! I picked some Silm-specific bingo cards and never looked back :D that was really not all that long ago but I am obsessed in a way I don’t really remember being even with TH/LOTR, I obviously cannot see the future but I anticipate hanging out here for a long time. the Silm fandom is great overall and there’s just so much material to work with!! <3

being Known, that stuff?

so I don’t really have a whole lot of context on how “well known” I am in the fandom?? definitely within the past year and a half or so I’ve noticed that I like, get asks like this, and get a significant amount of notes on my posts, and I’ve made a lot of fandom friends especially since I joined some Silm servers on Discord (hmu if you want invites; I’m on the SWG server and 2 general Silm servers and the Russingon server) this past year. and I have 3,000 followers as of this month - and while ever since I hit 1k I don’t particularly pay attention to my follower count I can definitely say that I have more engagement now than I used to! but it took me a long time to build this “audience,” I suppose; I’ve been around the Tolkien fandom since late 2014, so nearly 6 years of this, lol.

really the best way to build a following, in my experience, is to just post a lot of stuff. when I started making edits I got a lot more engagement, because for a long time I would post one every day! (I made them in batches and queued them; I didn’t actually make one every day lol...and now I’m too busy to do that, so I just make edits for events and whenever I feel like it) And I have [checks ao3] 145 works in the Silm fandom as of today - I’m fairly prolific! I’ve come to generally expect 3-10 comments on most of my oneshots, which is a lot more than I used to have back in the day. consistency and quantity are more likely to attract people to your work - and quality, of course.

also: how’d u build up the confidence to start posting meta/hcs?

I’ve been writing since I was very young, and I’ve been writing fic for like...11 years? I think? in that time I’ve produced a lot of garbage, but imo most of that was in my Warrior cats phase, so I came into the Tolkien fandom with confidence in myself and my writing. I’m also working on original fiction on the side (I hope to eventually become a published fantasy author, but right now school takes up most of my time that I don’t devote to fandom, which gives me more immediate gratification and also is just Very Fun) and I know I’m a good writer.

basically, I’ve been doing this for like...half my life, and I’m still fairly young, so I’ve had time to build up my skill and confidence and I know I’m only going to get better with time. you will get better with practice. like I said, I’ve written a lot of terrible stuff, and it’s only through sucking for a long time that I’ve gotten to the point I am now. and I am far from perfect; I know I still have lots of room to grow!

for meta and headcanons specifically, I started with writing fic, and then when I didn’t think I could stretch something into an entire fic I would just make a hc post. I have a vivid memory of writing my first meta in a notebook during driver’s ed because it was so goddamn boring and I had Thoughts about Tauriel and Thranduil!

in my experience, meta comes from having Opinions and wanting to share them and most importantly to back them up - you need to have sources! you need to have reasons! you need to have justification! otherwise it’s not meta, it’s a headcanon or an AU. which is fine!! I love hc/AU!!! but they are not the same as meta, and I’m a stickler for being accurate when it comes to meta. if you have sources and shit to back you up, that will help you build the confidence to share your meta.

sharing disinformation and passing it off as meta instead of just coming out and saying this is a headcanon/baseless theory/AU or whatever is such a fandom pet peeve of mine; it’s not bad for something to not be Accurate! you just have to have that disclaimer - and even when you’re writing meta, you’re offering an interpretation of the text, and you need to acknowledge that other interpretations also exist and are valid.

um. I hope this answers your questions? and sorry for basically word-vomiting my entire life story, lol. this post got long; the main reason I’ve written so much fic is because I really just cannot shut up for the life of me. sooo if you can tear of that filter of being shy and just. say shit. you can go so far~!

OH and one more thing - I can’t believe I almost forgot this - but part of being a writer is participating in the community. this is code for LEAVE A DAMN COMMENT IF YOU LIKE A FIC. that’s how I made most of my fandom friends before Discord! I follow @ao3feed-silmarillion and stalk that blog for new Silm fics; I read the ones that interest me and comment on them.

I know this is not really the most common way for folks to find fic but it’s so rewarding to interact with new fic, new writers, new commentors, new stories - you can find gems that don’t rise to the top of the kudos/bookmark lists; you become friends with your fellow writers; you can watch people grow and change; you support smaller content creators. yeah, you might not be getting Just The Best Stuff, but it’s so so so worth it!!

and if you make friends in the comment section of other people’s fic - I guarantee you some of them will go to your AO3 profile and check out your fic, too! and they’ll leave comments! this is a fic community, and that’s what I cherish about fandom most of all, tbh.

anyway - again - sorry for rambling so much, but I hoped this helped! feel free to send in another ask, or to come talk to me off anon if you’d like! and definitely send me your stuff if/when you decide to share it; I would love to support you!!! <3

#silm #silm fandom #silmarillion #fan culture #tmi anna #(for real this time sjdfhdkfh)#tefain nin #long post #anon #answers

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miami-panda · 4 years

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I was re-reading my post about my SS theory and it got me thinking

(this is another Sander Sides post; obviously, spoilers ahead, if you haven’t caught up with the series in a while go do that first and THEN come back. also, fair warning: this post is gonna be long, lol)

I mentioned in my theory about why Roman got so upset in the last episode (POF - Putting Others First) that Roman was like the ego, as in Freudian psychology. And that got me thinking: if Roman is the ego, who is the id and the superego? And is Roman the only part of the ego? To answer this question, I needed to look up the definitions of all three. They are as follows (according to alleydog.com, a super reliable website when it comes to psychology vocabulary):

Id - “the part of the human personality that is made up of all our inborn biological urges that seeks out immediate gratification (guided by the Pleasure Principle), regardless of social values or consequences.”

Superego - the part of the human personality that “acts as our moral guide and mediates between the id and the ego. The superego contains the conscience, which makes us feel guilty for doing or thinking something wrong and good when we do something right.”

Ego - “the part of personality that helps us deal with reality by mediating between the demands of the id, superego, and the environment. The ego prevents us from acting on every urge we have (produced by the id) and being so morally driven that we can't function properly.”

So based on these definitions, I would revise my previous statement: in Freudian psychology, Roman would absolutely NOT be the ego. In a non-Freudian sense, yes, Roman is the ego of Thomas: “a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance” (google), but it is factually incorrect to say that Roman would be part of the Freudian ego.

If Roman isn’t the ego, then what is he? THE ID (why I didn’t see this before I have no idea)! The id is the part of the personality that deals with instant gratification, and has all of our biological urges. Think about Moving On: when Thomas said his ex was calling him back, Roman instantly switched from apologizing to “PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP!” even though he knew the repercussions of what he was doing. It was a very instinctual move; almost an like an urge, if you will. Roman isn’t the only part of the id tho; his brother, Remus, is as well. Remus would do and say things that were completely against societal values and without thinking about any consequences. I’d argue that Remus is even more a part of the id than Roman, but they both exemplify the same qualities.

Patton is a part of the superego, unsurprisingly. Patton is the primary side that deals with Thomas’ moral issues, and also the main side that makes Thomas feel guilty for doing something wrong. The whole point of POF as well as DWIT was that Patton was being way too strict in a moral sense, and making Thomas feel overly guilty for every bad thing he did, but Patton isn’t the only one who does that. Virgil is also a part of the superego, although to a much more extreme and generally more pessimistic point of view; however, they are both two sides of the same coin. So in a way, you COULD say that Patton and Virgil are like father and son, as they both have similar functions, and because Virgil represents a singular emotion (anxiety) while Patton represents several (happiness, sadness..etc). You could also argue that Virgil also somewhat represents the ego; he tends to switch back and forth, depending on who else is in the episode. As an example: in DWIT, he was much more like the superego, both he and Patton agreeing that the thoughts Thomas was having were “wrong” (initially). But in Moving On, he tended to be more of a mediator; this was especially true when Logan left. But generally speaking, Virgil is a part of the superego, as well as Patton.

So then that leaves the ego, and the two sides that are a part of it: Logan and Janus. Think about it: both have mediated conversations between all the other sides, and argued in favor for or against certain arguments. Logan is the obvious example: in DWIT (I’m using that video quite a lot because there’s several examples), he calmed down Virgil and Patton, telling them they were being too hard on Thomas (superego), while simultaneously bringing down Remus a few hundred notches (id), thus making him the mediator of the siutation. Logan has also done this in countless other videos: Accepting Anxiety, a small part of POF, some of Moving On (both when he was there and also when he was speaking through Thomas), Are There Healthy Distractions...etc etc etc.

Then of course our snake boy, Janus. His part of the ego wasn’t nearly as clear to see until POF, but he really was the main mediator between the superego (Patton) and the id (Roman). He also represents understanding every side of a situation and, like Logan, has a full understanding of every side of an issue and is therefore very well equipped to be a part of the ego.

Like I mentioned earlier, Virgil can be the ego, but he’s primarily a part of the superego. Along with this, Janus could be considered a part of the superego, but as of POF, he’s more a part of the ego than anything. I get the feeling that this is part of the reason that he and Virgil are dubbed “the others” (Virgil’s words) - they are more complex than the main three, can tiptoe into another area when the time arises. The only reason Virgil and Janus are dubbed the “dark sides” (Roman’s words) is, I think, because of Remus. But even then, Virgil, Janus, and Remus aren’t “evil,” as Roman’s naming suggests, just like how the “light sides” aren’t always good. But I digress.

In short, Roman and Remus are the id, Virgil and Patton are the superego, and Logan and Janus are the ego, at least in a Freudian sense.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk. Also, @thatsthat24 and @thejoanglebook along with everyone else who helps write this series: I don’t know if this is something that was intentional, but either way, you and everyone else who writes this series are literally geniuses and I applaud you.

#sanders sides #sanders sides theory #thomas sanders #thomas sanders and friends #holy moly #this took way too long #totally worth it though #logan sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #remus sanders #janus sanders #virgil sanders #sander side #sander sides fan theory

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c-ptsdrecovery · 4 years

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Today I took the Big Five Personality test (i’ve taken it several times before). I’m looking at the definitions for the five traits, and thinking about how they interact with my C-PTSD.

Openness

Openness describes a person’s tendency to think in abstract, complex ways. High scorers tend to be creative, adventurous, and intellectual. They enjoy playing with ideas and discovering novel experiences. Low scorers tend to be practical, conventional, and focused on the concrete. They tend to avoid the unknown and follow traditional ways.

Openness is strongly related to a person’s interest in art and culture. People who are high in openness tend to enjoy the arts and seek out unusual, complex forms of self-expression. People who are low in openness are often suspicious of the arts and prefer to focus on more practical pursuits.

I score high on this, which surprises me a little, given how conventional my parents are and how much they tried to squelch my individuality. But I guess my natural creativity and intellectual curiosity couldn’t be squelched. :)

Conscientiousness

Conscientiousness describes a person’s ability to exercise self-discipline and control in order to pursue their goals. High scorers are organized and determined, and are able to forego immediate gratification for the sake of long-term achievement. Low scorers are impulsive and easily sidetracked.

The concept of Conscientiousness focuses on a dilemma we all face: shall I do what feels good now, or instead do what is less fun but will pay off in the future? Some people are more likely to choose fun in the moment, and thus are low in Conscientiousness. Others are more likely to work doggedly toward their goals, and thus are high in this trait.

I score high on this. It might be related to the fact that my family was SUPER DISCIPLINED and made me so, too. On the other hand, some people respond to stress with procrastination and impulsivity, so.

Extraversion

Extraversion describes a person’s inclination to seek stimulation from the outside world, especially in the form of attention from other people. Extraverts engage actively with others to earn friendship, admiration, power, status, excitement, and romance. Introverts, on the other hand, conserve their energy, and do not work as hard to earn these social rewards.

Extraversion seems to be related to the emotional payoff that a person gets from achieving a goal. While everyone experiences victories in life, it seems that extroverts are especially thrilled by these victories, especially when they earn the attention of others. Getting a promotion, finding a new romance, or winning an award are all likely to bring an extrovert great joy. In contrast, introverts do not experience as much of a “high” from social achievements. They tend to be more content with simple, quiet lives, and rarely seek attention from others.

Now, this is particularly interesting to me. Because this is not how I’ve heard “extroversion” defined in the past. I’ve always understood that extroverts are energized by interactions with others (often lots of others) and drained by being alone, and that introverts are energized by being alone and drained by being with others. According to that definition, I’m an introvert. However, I score 79% on extraversion in this test, because I definitely value others’ opinions of me, often more than I value my opinions of myself. I would not call this “extraversion”, however: I would call this, “an external locus of self-esteem.”

This particular trait is really complicated for me, anyway. Because my level of stereotypical extroverted traits (talkativeness, wanting to be the center of attention, starting conversations, etc) is EXTREMELY context-specific. When I’m comfortable and feeling like I’m getting positive feedback, I am VERY talkative. I start conversations with pleasant-seeming strangers a LOT, sometimes. And I LOVE being the center of positive attention, as long as I’m in a situation where I feel like it’s valid for me to be that center (because my “showing off” was a Capital Crime in my narcissistic mother’s opinion, so I’ve got kind of a complex about it). However, if I’m in a situation where I feel rejected at all, I crawl back into my shell like a wounded turtle. So I have trouble answering questions about extroversion and introversion to begin with! It depends SO MUCH and my responses end up on opposite ends of spectrum.

(Generally, I describe myself as “a big-mouthed introvert.” I desperately need lots of alone time, but I LOVE to communicate. Thus my adoration of the internet. lol)

Agreeableness

Agreeableness describes a person’s tendency to put others’ needs ahead of their own, and to cooperate rather than compete with others. People who are high in Agreeableness experience a great deal of empathy and tend to get pleasure out of serving and taking care of others. They are usually trusting and forgiving.

People who are low in Agreeableness tend to experience less empathy and put their own concerns ahead of others. Low scorers are often described as hostile, competitive, and antagonistic. They tend to have more conflictual relationships and often fall out with people.

While I scored high on this (77%), this is my lowest of all five scores. Which is funny, because I get the impression that other people’s impression of me is that I’m EXTREMELY agreeable. (Heck, I was occasionally referred to in high school by people who didn’t know my name as “The Nice One”!)

I think the reason my agreeableness score isn’t as high as my others is twofold. The first issue is that I feel a lot more empathy than I do drive to care for others. I feel other people’s feelings a LOT. However, I also frequently find other people’s negative feelings overwhelming. If I’m in a situation where there isn’t anybody else to help, or where I would be expected to help, I jump in and help (a friend really needs help with a task and has no one else to ask. Someone falls down and scrapes their knee right in front of me. etc). I expend a lot of emotional energy doing this.

However, if I’m in a situation where someone else can step in, or where I wouldn’t be expected to help, I often don’t help (sometimes seeing someone in distress online, etc). So I tend to score myself a little lower on this than I might otherwise do.

But that brings me to the other reason my score isn’t that high: because I’m scoring MYSELF. It may be that my standards for how much I SHOULD be giving of myself to others is waaaaay higher than it needs to be (in fact, I’m almost sure it is). Hardly surprising, considering I grew up with a narcissistic mother who thought I should constantly be putting HER first and I should therefore NEVER be first. When you grow up being taught that self-abnegation is your primary duty, you tend to feel bad about yourself whenever you’re doing basic self-care. It’s pretty twisted.

Anyway, I think this is a failing of the entire test as a whole: it’s based on self-perception. I think our perception of ourselves is often skewed. And I think it’s particularly skewed for those with childhood emotional abuse/neglect. Because one of the things that good enough parents do (that toxic parents do not) is reflect to their children an accurate view of themselves. If your parents gave you a skewed view of yourself, or refused to reflect upon you at all, it’s hardly surprising you’d have trouble accurately evaluating yourself.

Neuroticism

Neuroticism describes a person’s tendency to experience negative emotions, including fear, sadness, anxiety, guilt, and shame. While everyone experiences these emotions from time to time, some people are more prone to them than others.

This trait can be thought of as an alarm system. People experience negative emotions as a sign that something is wrong in the world. You may be in danger, so you feel fear. Or you may have done something morally wrong, so you feel guilty. However, not everyone has the same reaction to a given situation. High Neuroticism scorers are more likely to react to a situation with fear, anger, sadness, and the like. Low Neuroticism scorers are more likely to brush off their misfortune and move on.

I have PTSD. My neuroticism score is necessarily going to be high. “Neuroticism” basically measures emotional stability, and those with mood disorders or most kinds of mental health problems are obviously going to have a lower score on emotional stability. That being said, I think it’d be interesting to take this test again when I’ve recovered from PTSD (some things linger for the rest of one’s life, but one can recover from the acute symptoms). My score might go down. It’s already fluctuated over the last two and a half years from a highest score of 83% (Feb. 2018) to a lowest score of 62.5% (Sept. 2018). And those two scores were only 7 months apart!

This makes me wonder about the validity of this test. The studies I managed to find on a simple google search about whether Big Five personality traits changed much over time all seemed to be very long-term studies: they test you very infrequently over long periods of time. Testing more frequently might show more instability in scores, which might cast doubt on the test’s validity, or even on the idea that these are actually personality traits (more long-lasting trends in behavior) or simply tendencies which could change a great deal within short periods of time

#c-ptsd #big five personality test #personality test

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procession-of-blades · 5 years

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@loreyrs I can’t @ you but I went to respond to your comment on that other post, and accidentally a bit of a rambly rant after writing the answer, and I didn’t want to entirely hijack @warmaster-aranaies‘s post like a butthole laskudflkg

We did get one other thing in LW4! It brought us the...frankly ENTIRELY out of left field “Darkness pays Orr a visit” poem subplot. I joined this game around the same time @commander-thiernaen did, so I got to Jahai a little later than most people, but I was playing when the episode dropped. I remember the utter confusion spread over the handful of people I’d followed at that point in time, “Wait why are they bring up Trahearne NOW of all times?” On top of that, it was a love??? poem????? Going back to Personal Story sappy soft Trahearne content out of NOWHERE and then...IMMEDIATELY dropping him again. Directly after the line is read and the Commander comments. Bam. He’s vanished again.

Not in the Mist Wardens. Not in the ‘hey we have a message from Glint!’ moment but I GUESS SNAFF HAS A REASON TO POP UP? COOL FANSERVICE NICE TO SEE HIM I GUESS? Snaff’s cool just. Like I guess it’s cuz they had fought Kralk in the past? But we had zero indication that Trahearne didn’t intend to see the dragon threat to the end. The closest I can recall to us being able to say anything about missing him or feeling guilty or sad or anything is when we find that poem, honestly.

And then back to as if he never existed at all. We have limited knowledge of the extent of Taimi and Trahearne’s interactions. No idea if they were super close, etc. If it was LW1 content then LOL FAT CHANCE AT US NEWCOMERS KNOWING THAT? Perhaps it was an optional dialog in an earlier story that I missed? But they just go “btw Taimi n Trahearne talked poetry once upon a time anyway back to Kralk,” and no elaboration. No payoff. Considering how War Eternal ended, it does seem like the theory about ‘it was gonna end here’ has at least a sliver of weight to it, and if so? They woulda dropped that with zero chance of ever paying it off, huh. I’ve been watching that

More analysis lbr it’s nitpicking under the cut

Anet seems to do...interesting and experimental things with narrative a lot. In recent years there’s been a big trend of ‘oh we have to shock and surprise the audience they can’t predict it ahead of time! bad bad bad!’ in media, and while the lead narrative folks on GW2 have talked on and on about how one cannot expect instant gratification, how people expect instant payoff, at least in the case of those ranting about, say, Almorra being (apparently?? maybe?) succeeded by Jhavi instead of the prior ESTABLISHED SUCCESSOR Laranthir, or the people ranting about Trahearne VANISHING AND REAPPEARING RANDOMLY IT SEEMS, there are a few narrative/dramatic concepts that they seem to...take really skewed opinions on?

To get my Wikipedia copypasta on:

Chekhov's gun is a dramatic principle that states that every element in a story must be necessary, and irrelevant elements should be removed; elements should not appear to make "false promises" by never coming into play. The statement is recorded in letters by Anton Chekhov several times, with some variation:

"Remove everything that has no relevance to the story. If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there." "One must never place a loaded rifle on the stage if it isn't going to go off. It's wrong to make promises you don't mean to keep." "If in the first act you have hung a pistol on the wall, then in the following one it should be fired. Otherwise don't put it there."

I’d personally count things like the Orr poem as a currently unfired gun. It’s sitting there. Drawn attention to in main story. Even has optional dialog in the Priory!

Moving onto the other point that came to mind, it’s not as if Arenanet is UNAWARE of this, right? In the company’s job postings for narrative stuff, there’s even a line “Unafraid to make tough calls, embrace the necessity of "killing your darlings", and take direction from creative leads.” So clearly they’re talking about the necessity of trimming the story of things you don’t need--

Or do they? It dawned on me a while back that I often see this context used out of context an AWFUL LOT. It doesn’t mean “kill your favorite characters in your story,” like I tend to hear people assume. Often attributed to Faulkner but apparently originating from Arthur Quiller-Couch, the full quote is actually:

If you here require a practical rule of me, I will present you with this: ‘Whenever you feel an impulse to perpetrate a piece of exceptionally fine writing, obey it—whole-heartedly—and delete it before sending your manuscript to press. Murder your darlings.

Now, I don’t want to make assumptions about writers more accomplished than myself, of course not. I don’t want to...presume. That Anet misunderstands that as a concept. I’m sure they prune the HELL out of their stuff. I love watching Guild Chat or reading their responses on Reddit/other platforms. They’re passionate as hell as a group and put a lot of effort into this. But...stuff like the points brought up in the threads today DO make me wonder at times. That plus the lead narrative fellow’s recent Twitter discussion about delayed gratification...

It really feels at times like Anet is firing...the wrong guns. Killing the wrong darlings. Such hit and miss points of focus on characters. This huge amount of clarification and emphasis on why we couldn’t ride mounts in the mines where we find Almorra...but also leaving zero mention of the aforementioned pre-designated successor. In-game or out? I can only hope that they’re aware of how disjointed a lot of these things come off to at least a chunk of the fanbase...and that my nightmares about Anet lampshading the dangling threads and then ignoring them don’t end up a reality.

-longingly stares at the carved tablet- I’ve never been so eager to see a gun fired.

#gw2 spoilers #whisper in the dark spoilers #lw5 spoilers #lw4 spoilers #lw3 spoilers #hot spoilers #icebrood saga spoilers #just all the spoilers honestly #this got away from me #insomnia got me like 'but what if you kept typing'

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complexion-me · 5 years

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Interview : Dr Will Kirby, Dermatologist

Dr Will Kirby is a board-certified dermatologist and the Chief Medical Officer for the nation's leading aesthetic dermatology group, LaserAway.

1) Who/what inspired you to become a dermatologist?

From a very early age I was attracted to science because, for as long as I can remember, I’ve had a lifelong love affair with nature. But I was a late bloomer in the field of medicine and didn’t become a dermatologist until later in life. See, I wanted a career that allowed me to work with my hands as well as my brain and it took me a while for me to realize that specialization in dermatology would allow me to be both technical and cerebral. To wit, I’ve always incorporated artistry into everything I’ve ever done so I’m very fortunate that my life journey has led me to the field of aesthetic dermatology specifically. But there is a misconception that when someone is considered an expert in his or her field, their rise was preceded by a bolt of inspiration but that is just not always the case; While some passions are erupt spontaneously through an inspirational moment, others just evolve slowly and grow over time…and the latter was certainly true for me.

2) Laseraway is the biggest aesthetic dermatology group in the nation. Could you tell us what someone who visits a Laseraway clinic can expect?

You don’t became the nation’s leader in aesthetic dermatology by accident. We take a tremendous amount of pride in customer service and offer only the highest quality, cutting-edge technology. With 13 board certified dermatologists and more than 450 allied health care professionals, our medical acumen is unparalleled and when you add in a commitment to patient safety, you having the winning recipe for the highest level of patient satisfaction. To answer the question, from the time a patient enters a LaserAway clinic until the time they leave, they can expect the absolute best care in the aesthetic dermatology industry.

3) Tell us a bit about the selection process when you’re thinking about offering a particular procedure at your clinics?

It is important to note that aesthetic dermatology is a nuanced business and that with injectable aesthetic treatment and energy-based device procedure hyperbole is ubiquitous while quality, reproduceable results are rare. As such, our vetting process is detailed and thorough. That said, we leave no stone unturned meaning we try absolutely everything but LaserAway never offers fad treatments, trendy procedures, or jumps on the bandwagon. Any patient visiting us rests assured that they are getting gold-standard treatments from the best injectables and devices available.

4) Your skin looks amazing! Could you walk us through your skincare routine?

I detect no lies - my Skin does look amazing and I fully acknowledge that fact! LOL. But you, or anyone else reading this interview, can have amazing skin too! There isn’t some sort of special potion that I have that's unavailable to the population! I just use good quality products very, very consistently and I supplement them with energy-based device treatments at LaserAway!

So allow me to lay out my simple skincare routine:

In the evening I wash my face with a gentle wash and warm water. It really doesn’t matter what wash you choose and anyone who tell you differently is misleading you. Washes just simply don’t matter much as they aren’t in contact with your skin long.

After letting my face air dry or after drying it with a hair dryer on the cool setting I apply a pearl sized amount of My Hero. It's a retinol serum that increases surface cell turnover. See, human adult skin cell turn over takes, on average, one to two months to completely replenish itself and retinols speed this process up but I still remind everyone that you have to use retinol products for a minimum of eight weeks before you start seeing a result. If you are consistent then your skin will eventually look smoother, softer, and more supple with the use of a nightly retinol.

Each morning I gently cleanse my skin with either cleansing wipe or again with a wash.

I then apply a sun protection product with a minimum of an SPF 30 rating. If I’m going to the beach then I use an outdoor product like a SunScreen Stick from SkinBetter but if I’m just going to work I use something like Alastin HydraTint.

And now please allow me please loudly emphasize two points:

A) Most people use way too many products! So, If you haven’t used a product that you in own in the past six months them you should discard it! Only purchase products you need and love and don’t purchase every single thing you see!

B) You can spend a lot of money on good products or a small amount of money on good products! So, don’t think you have to break the bank to get the right products in your bathroom!

5) You’ve recently launched your very own line of skincare. What made you formulate your own range and how does it differ to what’s currently available in the market?

Like many dermatology practices, we used to curate products from a variety of different skincare companies and offer them for sale to our patients. But that was a source of extreme frustration for us because while we really, really liked many of the products, we simply didn't love any of them for our patient population. See, we listened to our patients: We recognized that they were our best advocates and that their number one priority when selecting products to purchase and take home was the ability to maintain their excellent in-clinic treatments results longer. As the leading aesthetic dermatology group we eventually acknowledged that we needed to carve out the time and money to create a skincare line that was formulated with the goal of complementing our in-clinic services. And thus, after many years of patient focus groups, skincare research and laborious testing, LaserAway Beauty was born! So, to answer to more concisely answer your question, there are many, many great skincare products available in the market but laserAway Beauty Products the single best choice for patients already receiving energy-based device delivered aesthetic dermatology treatments… and that's the differentiator in this saturated skincare market!

6) What are some of the in-office treatments you get on a frequent basis?

I am the least hypocritical dermatologist you’ll ever meet! See, I practice what I preach and in the interest of full transparency, I get an IPL (intense puled light) treatment every six months and I typically get a Clear + Brilliant every two months and alternate with a Fire & Ice Laser Facial every two months as well.

7) What kind of patients do you turn away, if any?

The bane of any aesthetic dermatology practice is the patient with unrealistic expectations. Any reasonable person recognizes improving skin fitness it takes time, energy, emotion, and a commitment. But we live in a society of instant gratification and the truth is that some patients aren’t going to be satisfied because they want impossible results. When we realize someone isn’t going to be a good fit we provide them with appropriate education and polity, but quickly, turn them away.

8) In regards to the future of dermatology, what are you most excited about?

If you ask me to predict the future, I’ll politely ask you to review the past. See, the word ‘doctor’ is derived from the Latin word ‘docēre’ which means “to teach”. So, while I am a board certified dermatologist, I’m more importantly a teacher and my job is to educate. Mentoring is a time-honoured tradition that many in the field of aesthetic dermatology seem to have forgotten but I strongly suspect that the future of dermatology will see a return to the placing a premium on education and that's why I train not only dermatology residents, but registered nurses, physicians assistants, and nurse practitioners. To get more granular, I’m of course predicting that our field will continue to evolve from a technical standpoint but I also strongly believe that we’ll also see a return to mentorship so future clinicians will have a well-balanced, more individualized aesthetic educational foundation upon which they can grow personally and professionally.

9) For someone who’s on a budget, what are your tips for great skin?

If you were trying to improve your athletic fitness level, you wouldn't start off by buying the most expensive athletic shoes, immediately running a marathon, and then expect to wake up the day after with the perfect body. Well, the same analogy applies to skin fitness. See, improving your skin or maintaining already great skin doesn't have to be expensive but it does take a commitment and patience. I always implement a hierarchal approach utilizing the least expensive and most effective options coupled with education and encouragement. We know that UV exposure is awful for your skin so start by immediately committing to strict sun avoidance on the face via a wide-brimmed hat, sun glasses, and a daily SPF product. At night simply start using a retinol product. It really is that simple. Start with those two easy, inexpensive concepts and then slowly educate yourself and expand to more exotic offerings from there!

10) Can you leave us with some words of wisdom? What else should we know?

I’d be remiss if I didn’t bow down to my teammates. While our clinicians are the best in the business, our legal, human resources, service/tech, marketing, patient outreach, sales, and executive teams all kick ass too. LaserAway makes this look real, real easy but our company is the amalgamation of the best individuals in the dermatology industry and you will not find a group of more intelligent, ethical, hardworking, dynamic individuals. Life is too short to work with people you don’t love and I’m of the strong opinion that the main reason that LaserAway is supremely successful is because of our corporate culture! I jump out of bed every morning excited to see what Team LaserAway will accomplish!

Credits

https://www.laseraway.com/

https://www.instagram.com/LaserAway

https://www.instagram.com/drwillkirby1

https://twitter.com/DrWillKirby

#interviews

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dandelionpath · 5 years

Note

I’m not sure what to classify this as but like the closest I got to the astral travel I want to achieve was like 👌 (if you can’t see emojis it’s the pinch emoji) like I was meditating and I move starting with the tips of my fingers n toes while physically meditating, I Like was able to change my position astrally more drastically than usual and the voice in my head altered somewhat (like I mean one’s thinking voice lmao) to be more like what I presume the voice of my astral form would be? (1/?)

(2/?) it was pretty cool but like before I could do much else all my muscles like seized up or moved at the same time again and it like brought me back to step 0 >~(3/?) closer and closer and eventually be able to on my own that’d be pretty cool lmao. I’ve technically been able to astral travel before but not in the way I want to specifically, like I have a pocket universe thing where I keep my astral space and thoughtforms (I have one son thoughtform that I joke is basically Jesus cuz he’s like my manager for it and he’s great at his job lmao) and I go there to a beach near my original astral space sometimes to feel the sand and surroundings but it’s (4/?) kinda like I’m there but only remotely? Like it’s like a phantom presence of sorts I guess. I can only get little glimpses of surroundings when I do that rip :( sometimes I can sense and even visualize stuff better though and those times are great lmao but I haven’t yet been able to find what might determine any differences, it seems mostly random >~(5/5) if that would be okay. Thank you again for your help and stuff, and I like reading about your experiences in your posts! Thank you again for your help :D

FIRST OF ALL, I'M SO SORRY FOR TAKING SUCH A RIDICULOUSLY LONG TIME TO ANSWER YOU OML?????? I had a whole humongous answer written up and then my computer just chucked it out the window so I procrastinated a lot in writing it all up again aaagh I'm so sorry, that was the worst of me to do to you! Also had mental health stuff going on, but I definitely could have and should have answered you earlier, I am so so so sorry!!!So!! Here I am and let me try to help you as much as I can without writing an entire novel of an answer for you to read OOPs LOLlemme get all the jokes and oohs and aahs out of the way first dsdgsdfjkl: that sounds so cool and exciting omg!! that's such an interesting experience!! i'm glad u had that!! the astral voice is so wildly cool omg??? that's such an incredible experience!!!! god that's the worst feeling where you're finally getting somewhere and then your body just NOPES right out of it aaagh! YOUR JESUS THOUGHTFORM SON SDGDSFJKL I LOVE THAT

okay so first off (UPG and SPG): the pocket dimension ur describing sounds like a realm that's in between ur imagination and the astral. it's a bit of both. it's probably a realm that you created that's part of the astral that you've created. the astral is endless, and you can create new parts of it that aren't attached to anything else. so you've most likely created a little realm of your own that you can change around as you please (most likely using a bit of energy, otherwise that'd be just your imagination if you could move and make things instantly and without expending any energy). in these realms you can invite any spirits you want, and can have thoughtforms and everything there! sometimes realms like yours will eventually grow on their own and attach themselves to other realms, and that's why you still want to ward your space because spirits would be able to get in fairly easily if the realm attaches itself to another realm.in this pocket realm, you can control stuff (and controlling things uses energy) and it follows mostly your own rules i would assume. you can also create things (i always imagine it like minecraft when i'm working on pocket realms lol) but this uses energy as well. does that sound right?so, assuming that's what this is, I think the reason why you're only catching things in glimpses is just because either a) you need more practice, or b) that's just how you experience the astral. it could also be a bit of both of those reasons! personally, when I'm astral traveling, I don't often get full clear HD continuous vision. when i do get that, it's a huge energy drain and it also requires me to be super relaxed and of the right vibration at that time. aka it rarely happens and i actually don't prefer it because it takes way too much energy. it's not worth the energy drain for me! OKAY ANYWAYS LMAO: when i astral travel, i see it in only quick glimpses every few seconds. most of it is actually just me sensing what's going on. it's difficult to explain, but let me attempt to dgsfjkl: imagine that you're in your room and it's pitch black. you have a pretty good idea of where the furniture is, and so you can make your way around without bumping into too much. you know what's around you even though you can't see it. it's kind of like that, except things are moving and speaking and i've often never been there before. i hope that makes sense lmao ^^; (i'm actually considering making an animatic of what my astral travels look like, bc it's difficult to explain,,,, but that's a ton of work lmao) i actually feel a little bit like i'm there remotely, but also not?? i'm often still very much aware of my physical body, but the longer and more focused i am on the astral, then the less aware i become and my physical body kind of fades into the background.

one tip i have that's helped me is to feel your consciousness in your physical body, and then kind of shift that consciousness to your astral body. sometimes i just like... fling my consciousness/awareness over into the other body, and that works? idk, try it out!

so! for advice, i'd say: 1) keep practicing! 2) lower your expectations for yourself, you're not going to be able to see HD vision in the astral, that's just setting yourself up for failure and frustration! 3) work on talking to spirits some more in this plane! this will help with astral traveling because then you'll kind of know how your metaphysical senses feel when you're doing them right! you'll have a bit of a better idea of how it feels when what you're experiencing is "real" and therefore how it feels when it's fake/you're making stuff up. 4) if you want to, see if you can ask someone (spirit or human) to pull you into the astral! I've done this for a friend of mine, and it did help a bit! 5) and finally, and i think most importantly, remember that this takes practice and work and there won't usually be any immediate gratification. some people take weeks to learn to astral travel, others take months, and some can take years,,, if you practice and work at it regularly, though, i'm sure you'll get there!

i hope this doesn't get to you after you've got this all figured out (or maybe hopefully it does bc then you'll have progressed a bunch and that's awesome!)! i just hope this helps you in some way, at least even a tiny bit!! let me know!! i'll answer ur q waaaay faster if u send any other ones in, i promise lmao!!!

#comet answers #I feel so incredibly bad dude like... I should've answered this like two months ago..... that was so bad of me I hope u can forgive me!!!#astral travel #astral

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such-geekiness · 5 years

Text

Tagged by @ladynerdynerd!!

1. How long have you been writing fanfic?

Formally, since 2014 (I’m writerforlife on AO3)! Before that, though, I always made up different endings in my head for things I watched/read and thought about alternate scenes. I remember reading a Sherlock fic called “Alone on the Water” (I think?) and realized I could write my ideas down.

2. Who most influences your writing style?

I dream of being able to tell stories like Maggie Stiefvater, Leigh Bardugo, and V.E. Schwab. I try to take notes from them.

3. Favourite type of scene to write?

Big emotional confrontations!! I love taking two characters, putting them in a room, and making them hash out their problems. I mainly write for Marvel, and the MCU so often ignores emotional implications that I love dealing with in fic.

4. What trope is your favourite to write and/or read?

I’m a sucker for scenes where one character is injured and wakes up to see their friends/family/partner looking like shit at their bedside. It gets me every time. Specifically with Iron Dad, I adore when Tony gets hurt and Peter gets all protective.

5. What is one trope that you dislike?

Not exactly a trope, but AUs aren’t my favorite. I very much prefer filling in moments from canon or continuations, but after Endgame, I’m warming up to AUs because Tony is alive in them

6. What AU do you wish to write but feel like you won’t manage?

@xylo-phone will yell at me, but I don’t write AUs lol. I’ll probably ignore Tony’s death in my future Marvel writing, though, so I guess that’s an AU??

7. Do you outline, or write as you go?

For bigger works and my own original works, I jot down a few notes for each chapters just so I know where the story’s going. For shorter works, I write until it feels right -- as a textbook over-writer, that can get dangerous

8. Past tense or present tense? Why?

Past tense!! It’s just easier for me lol, which is a boring but truthful answer. Sometimes for shorter works or more experimental formats, I go present tense

9. Do you prefer to write one-shots or multi-chapters? Why?

One-shots! The one multi-chapter fic I’ve done so far has been extremely gratifying, but it was fueled by grief/spite/wanting closure after Endgame. Since I write original novels, fanfic one-shots are my time to play and relax.

10. What is the kindest comment you’ve received on a fic? (Feel free to paraphrase or generalize!)

On one of my earlier Marvel fics, The Thing About Falling, I received some lovely comments. Multiple people told me that they 1) cried so loud that they woke up roommates/husbands/wives and 2) read it and immediately told their friends to read it. That made me grin evilly. Another person asked me if they could print out that same work and make a book for themselves!! I still think about that :)

11. What is the most gratifying aspect of writing fanfic for you?

Obviously I love comments and gratification, but personally, writing fic is my adult version of going to a playground. I always feel so creative and free when writing it. I also write fanfic because there’s something about a story that needs closure or further exploration in my eyes, so satisfaction of finishing stories that I love is a bonus, too.

Anyone who wants to answer these questions, go for it!!

#fanfiction #my writing #I speak

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illegiblewords · 6 years

Video

youtube

Sephirot, The Fiend

What is it like when you pull back the curtain

And realize every wrong is a right?

Your world is rusted like a dirty razor

The edge is calling tonight

The edge is calling tonight (The edge is calling tonight)

The sun is setting, darkness taking over

A date with chaos and you're dressed to the nines

Salt of the earth salting your own fields

Road to destruction that is true and tried

You walk the path laid before you

The call of reason, you refuse to abide

Necessity is an inventive mother

Promising sanctum that

She cannot provide

She is the hand that rocks the cradle

The wind that breaks the bough and leaves you to die

And there She leaves you to die (And there She leaves you to die)

You'll find slumber when the world comes tumbling down

Sweet dreams, baby. Sleep tight!

Retreat where lesser men lead

Flee from what you do not see

Heed the dark within your being

Turn away

Disobey

I'm the end and the beginning

The faith that feeds the unbelieving

A tightening knot to staunch the bleeding

Say my name

Sephirot

The seventh hell's become your seventh heaven

Rose of redemption but a thorn in your pride

Waste no more time fighting your demons

Lay down your arms and let the evil inside

And then you let it inside (And then you let it inside)

You let it eat you till there's nothing left at all

So you can feel that you are truly alive

Better to serve in a waking nightmare

Than rule in their paradise

What is gold, always glitters

But it still comes with an unpayable price

Treading out upon the stagnant waters

Our savior waiting for a turn in the tide

You are the night at the end of the tunnel

The empty void where the serpent lies

Where the serpent lies (Where the serpent lies)

The angels graze in the meadows of excess

They must needs go that the devils drive

Retreat where lesser men lead

Flee from what you do not see

Concede your mind unto the fiend

Turn away

Debts are paid

I'm the end and the beginning

The drug that gives the wretched meaning

The answer every soul is seeking

Say my name

Sephirot

People talk a lot about Sophia, The Goddess. I’ll do a talk for her too but frankly Sephirot is hugely underrated imo and the Warring Triad as a whole deserves serious analysis.

Before anything else, I need to make a bow to higherallagan on reddit for pointing out “someone let Fray write the lyrics.” Because there is no better response than that lol.

In terms of analysis, there are hardcore layers going on.

First, for the triad as a whole I’m going to pose the possibility that they represent the Freudian trio structuring the psyche. These are Id, Ego, and Superego.

Id would be base, instinctive desires stripped of all reason. This is the only personality structure present at birth and ties into bodily needs, wants, and impulses. To feed, to fight, to flee, to fuck, these all tie to the Id. It is immediate gratification, it is to seek pleasure and avoid pain or “unpleasure”, it is unconscious chaos and drive without will. The Id offers no judgment of value, no morality. The union of Eros and Thanatos, or sex and death, exists here.

Ego I would argue is represented in Sophia, while Superego is Zurvan. I’ll go more into Ego and Superego for each of them respectively, but the very short version would be that Superego is intellect and morality while Ego is pragmaticism and the negotiation between Id and Superego in the context of reality.

Naturally Sephirot would absolutely, 110% be Id. This isn’t just because he’s introduced first but also ties into the lyrics of his theme and the motif woven into his nature as an eikon. He is cited as representative of the first tree and its worship. Beyond this, Sephirot through the fight is shown using attacks including Ein Sof Or, summoning Binah and Chokmah, etc. These, along with the name Sephirot itself, all reference the Tree of Life in Judaism as well as Kabbalah specifically. There are ten sephira (singular for sephiroth), or individual nodes on the Tree of Life.

Disclaimer, the English transliterations can be read a few ways. I personally write and pronounce “Kether” as “Keter”, sounding like “kee-tehr”. In actual Hebrew it’s probably pronounced “keh-th-ehr” or “keh-tehr” but I’d need to see the vowel forms to know for sure. I am not known for my ability to pronounce things correctly haha.

Anyway. The singular English words listed under each sephira are not necessarily a clear indicator of what each stage means in practice. I’ve actually done a huge amount of research and do know how to articulate every step. Ex. Keter/The Crown is the moment in which the very possibility of change begins on an internal level. This is well before any externalization of change. It could be the instant that potential energy could begin its transformation to kinetic energy. It could be the seed of an idea that has yet to grow, let alone breach the soil of the mind into action.

The Tree of Life as a whole can be mapped onto any kind of change, from mental to physical to emotional. It also happens to map onto the Big Bang, which is its original representation. It is creation and change, navigating internal and external.

As a concept, the Tree of Life is hugely sacred within Judaism as a faith. Being as Sephirot is an eikon (or primal) specifically however, it exists as a simplified corruption of that concept. This was, in the context of the game, interpreted as being an Id-defined Satan figure similar to what is found in Christian tradition. The serpent lying in the empty void, which ties to negative change or the creation of evil rather than something divine. This is the tempter in the Garden of Eden.

The role of temptation is hugely present throughout The Fiend’s lyrics, again tying to Id specifically. As much as I love the joke about Fray, honestly this does resonate strongly with themes presented in the Dark Knight questline.

If we interpret the song as being specific to the Warrior of Light, it reads something like this:

What is it like when you pull back the curtain

And realize every wrong is a right?

Your world is rusted like a dirty razor

The edge is calling tonight

Warrior of Light has been following the path set by Hydaelyn throughout the storyline, often at their own expense. This has at times been extremely painful on a personal level for the WoL, and requires ignoring the easier, safer, or even more pleasurable alternatives. On top of this, the idea of pulling back the curtain to realize something implies that the WoL has been in deep denial that not only is there another option, but it would feel better to take that option.

Besides being 3edgy, the dirty razor line states that the WoL’s world is old, filthy, ineffective, and painful. Despite this, the WoL forces interaction with it in such a way that is not only self-destructive, but could very well kill them. After all, even after you’ve finished getting split open by something rusty the infection sets in and tetanus will follow.

The edge is calling tonight (The edge is calling tonight)

The sun is setting, darkness taking over

A date with chaos and you're dressed to the nines

WoL is giving up and on some level eager to succumb to temptation and selfishness.

Salt of the earth salting your own fields

Road to destruction that is true and tried

You walk the path laid before you

The call of reason, you refuse to abide

Working hard destroys the earth, or more specifically the WoL themself. It is a form of rendering themself barren on a personal level, a spiritual death. Again, following that path Hydaelyn gave as well as the paths expected by the people of Hydaelyn who see WoL as a hero. That little voice at the back of their head going “maybe we should not” gets ignored.

Necessity is an inventive mother

Promising sanctum that

She cannot provide

She is the hand that rocks the cradle

The wind that breaks the bough and leaves you to die

WoL might not want to perform these tasks anymore but believes it is needed to survive and for the world to survive. In the end though, the idea that trying to fill that need will lead to salvation, to safety and certainty, is not accurate. In the end, no one and nothing will be there to save the WoL themself and they will be destroyed in this pursuit along with everything/everyone they sought to protect. It’s a fool’s errand.

And there She leaves you to die (And there She leaves you to die)

You'll find slumber when the world comes tumbling down

Sweet dreams, baby. Sleep tight!

Only in failure will the WoL find rest, finally free to forget obligations as everything collapses around them.

Retreat where lesser men lead

Flee from what you do not see

Heed the dark within your being

Turn away

Disobey

The WoL might be the most powerful person in the world, but they can still choose not to fight and be selfish. Leave the painful work to “lesser men”. Avoid threats that are not immediately relevant to you and take care of yourself alone, stop following the orders of others.

I'm the end and the beginning

The faith that feeds the unbelieving

A tightening knot to staunch the bleeding

Say my name

Sephirot

Id is present from birth until death, from the beginning of the world until its end. It is self-preservation when trying to do too much gets you hurt, and while it won’t heal the wound itself it will stop you from bleeding out further.

The seventh hell's become your seventh heaven

Rose of redemption but a thorn in your pride

Waste no more time fighting your demons

Lay down your arms and let the evil inside

The world might go to shit but WoL at least would be personally okay. The idea of going back to heroism would become utterly distasteful because of all the pain it promises. It’s time to stop feeling guilty about these things and just embrace it.

And then you let it inside (And then you let it inside)

You let it eat you till there's nothing left at all

So you can feel that you are truly alive

A WoL who becomes wholly selfish 1) ceases to be WoL 2) sacrifices empathy, morality, everything they’ve ever believed in or cared about at the altar of the self. And in return they can be a hedonist and protect themself from being hurt by others.

Better to serve in a waking nightmare

Than rule in their paradise

What is gold, always glitters

But it still comes with an unpayable price

It would be better to give up everything else, all thought of a better world and protection for all, and do the best you can by yourself even if reality sucks. The alternative is enormous responsibility in a world that is good, a paradise, that is understood to be fragile. Of course paradise is tempting but the personal cost of getting there is too high.

Treading out upon the stagnant waters

Our savior waiting for a turn in the tide

You are the night at the end of the tunnel

The empty void where the serpent lies

Stagnant waters = the world, the situation, will always be like this. WoL is waiting for things to change. But even after all work and travel, it will ultimately lead to nothing. The WoL will eventually break and give up and become what the eikon Sephirot foretells.

Where the serpent lies (Where the serpent lies)

The angels graze in the meadows of excess

They must needs go that the devils drive

The good people of Hydaelyn will become soft and vulnerable in paradise and inevitably, more “devils” or wicked people will have them at their mercy.

Retreat where lesser men lead

Flee from what you do not see

Concede your mind unto the fiend

Turn away

Debts are paid

Concede your mind unto the fiend = you know I’m right. Turn away, debts are paid = You’ve done enough, stop.

I'm the end and the beginning

The drug that gives the wretched meaning

The answer every soul is seeking

Say my name

Sephirot

The drug that gives the wretched meaning = when everything else has broken you, you will have only yourself and you will have no choice but to say your self is enough. The answer every soul is seeking = everyone wants to know on some level that they are enough, that they have personal value, that they are worth saving and protecting, that they have a right to pleasure and happiness of their own. That they can pursue their id as nature has always been driven and not feel ashamed.

Tbh I do think Beauty’s Wicked Wiles/Lakshmi’s theme has similar motifs woven in and could possibly be read as a continuation of the WoL’s desperation to escape. But that would be another post.

#Sephirot the Fiend #final fantasy 14 #final fantasy xiv #ffxiv #warring triad #hardcore analysis under the cut

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imagine-hamilfluff · 6 years

Text

If I Had My Choice: Part 14

Alexander x Female Reader

Part One

Previous Part | Next Part

Masterlist

Tags: @yehummno @robotic-space @isntthisenoughwhatwouldbeenough @unprofessional-inhumanbeing @sorryimacrapwriter @a-meme-you-cant-sweat-out@justanotherhamiltrash@marquiis-de-la-baguette@akarihamada@voldecrux@whowrotetheother51@bruuuhhhh-here-i-am

A/N: I’mma blame this one taking forever on being in Germany all summer lol

“Is something wrong, Y/N?”

You were pulled from your thoughts and refocused on the task at hand by Bethany’s voice.

“No. No of course not,” you responded with a strained smile as you made the final loop with the tie at the back of Bethany’s dress. You could see her furrowed eyebrows at your response, but she didn’t question you further, for which you were grateful, because everything was wrong and right at the same time.

With a deep breath, you put on your most convincing smile as you spun Bethany around, her giggles almost making your smile genuine. The dress—your would have been wedding gown—was even more gorgeous on Bethany than it had ever been on you, you were convinced.

Bethany turned quickly from you and ran to your mirror, eager to observe herself for the first time in the gown. As she fondly spun to observe herself and fan out the gown in every direction, you were once again hit with a round of guilt.

Your mother had—as you had expected—accepted your offer. This was your last night with your sister. This was the last quiet moment you would have together. This was the last time you would tie her ball gown and walk hand and hand with her into a ball, and maybe you were just a little overwhelmed.

For all these months, you had been planning for this moment, and trying to fend off your feelings for Alexander, and prepare your sector for the coming years without anyone noticed, that you had never considered how it would feel to stand here in this moment. Watching your sister gush over a gown, unaware her entire life was about to change.

You felt like a fake. A fraud. Here was the girl you had spent your entire life protecting, and now you didn’t know how to best do that. You felt like you were choosing your people over her, and she was asking you which shoes looked best with her ensemble, like the two of you were just normal sisters.

“Y/N,” Bethany stated, a bit serious. By the concerned look on her face, you inferred that this wasn’t the first time she had called out to you, but you merely blinked back to her. She was silent for a moment before she spoke quietly. “Mother told me we’re going on an emergency trip into Savx tomorrow. You don’t know anything about that, do-“

“No,” you cut her off solemnly, and couldn’t bring your eyes to meet hers. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see her bite her cheek and weigh the options of calling you out on your blatant lie, but something in her must’ve told her that she didn’t wanted to know.

So instead of going into it, she took a deep breath, and spoke a little lighter. “Come on, I’m excited to see what gown you chose for the ball. Even if it is one of the only three you ever wear,” she tried to jest with you lightly, but there was a somber glare in her eye.

You appreciated her effort, however, and shot her a strained smile, trying not to think of the fact that you had not actually picked out the dress you were about to don. Alexander had actually insisted, and considering the circumstances, you had been helpless to refuse, wanting him to remember you how he wished to.

The two of you made your way to your closet and you gently pulled out the gown of Alexander’s choosing. You heard Bethany’s breath catch as she caught sight of the simply red gown with small gold threading throughout the seams.

“I’ve never seen you in this,” Bethany finally commented in awe, and fought to keep a blush off your face.

Generally speaking, you wore more neutral colors that helped you blend more in with the crowd. Red made you stick out, draw attention to yourself, so you were always hesitant to wear it. Not many noble women owned such an extravagance as an entirely red gown, so you knew wherever you went tonight, you would be signaling for eyes to follow you. Part of you almost thought that’s why Alexander asked you to wear it: so he could always find you in the crowd.

But you were also glad to have the double gratification of Bethany also approving in vigor of the choice as well. So with her help the dress was quickly donned, and suddenly you found yourself standing in your mirror with Bethany over your shoulder, observing yourself.

It was another last. There were no more balls or ball gowns in your future.

With a tight smile and tears in your eyes, you interlaced your fingers with Bethany’s tightly and tore your eyes from your reflection to look at her.

“Ready?” you asked in a shaky voice.

And with a vigorous nod from Bethany, the two of you headed out of your room towards the ballroom.

There was a warm glow surrounding all the people as they danced around you and a gentle buzzing hum that accentuated the natural sound of the room. You swayed absentmindedly to the quartet at the other end of the ballroom, and reveled that for once you weren’t the one being bombarded with questions at the ball.

Your eyes naturally gravitated towards the couple at the other end of the room that was garnering all the attention. Alexander’s eyes drifted towards yours as Lady Tailorson grilled him on his upcoming wedding in a year’s time. When your eyes met, you quickly averted yours and took another large gulp of the champagne in your hand, turning to put your back towards him in an effort to quit being so obvious.

“So how’d it go?”

The quiet voice in your ear startled you a bit, but you relaxed immediately upon recognition. Turning to fully face the voice, you took in how perfect your friends looked together in a ball setting, as it had been the first time in years Theodosia and Philip had both been granted an attendance.

They both wore casually smiles, but the look of question in their eyes portrayed the serious nature of the question.

With a strained smile, you nodded at them slightly and then took a breath. “She had no choice, just as I said. Her and Bethany head to Sayx tomorrow.”

Both of your friends let out a sigh, but hardly looked relieved.

“So that’s just… it then,” Theodosia finally said after a moment of silence. “We’re supposed to just be happy and let you-“

“Save my people. Yes,” you responded before she could say another word. If there was one thing you could not handle tonight, it was Theodosia trying to change your mind.

Your eyes met, and Theodosia shifted uncomfortably. You knew she wanted to say more and yet she also knew now was a time for silence.

It was Philip who broke it. “Y/N, how did Alexander take you ending things?”

You wanted to avert your eyes more than anything; you just wanted to look at the floor. But you knew it would give you away, so instead, you gritted your teeth, looked Philip right in the eye, and said, “Not well.”

Theodosia’s eyes widened at this. “You didn’t end it, did you,” she voiced appalled. “Your left hand just shook just like it does every time you lie, Y/N.”

You tried to stutter in a response, but you knew nothing would appease her.

“You haven’t!” she shrieked, gaining the attention of some of the nearby people, who you tried to waive off as Theodosia yanked you across the ballroom to a quieter alcove the three of you could talk in peace in. “You are going to ruin him, Y/N,” she accused in a hushed voice.

You ripped your wrist out of her hand and glared at her. “Maybe I already have.”

Theodosia looked taken aback by this, until she took a deep breath and tried again. “Y/N, you have not, but tomorrow when-“

“He will get through it! Just like I did with John!”

“You did not get through John!” Theodosia screamed helplessly, and it was your turn to be stunned. Your face hung in a state between anger and upset. Philip leaned in close to Theodosia and whispered something to softly for you to hear into her ear. She took a moment to calm down, and then continued.

“What I meant,” she said quieter with a sad sincerity, “is until Alexander, you didn’t deal with John at all, and we all had to watch you do that to yourself. And now your going to leave us to watch Alexander do that to himself as well. I’m tired of watching this happen to my friends, Y/N. You need to tell him about the plan. You owe us all closure.”

Your jaw was gritted as tight as possible as tears threatened to spill over. You considered what Theodosia said, and you knew she was right. You knew you owed it to your friends to tell Alexander.

But you also knew Alexander would convince you out of it if you told him. And you knew you owed it to your people to go through with your plan.

After a beat, you opened your mouth to respond, but was interrupted.

“Y/N, our dance is coming up, do you- Oh, am I interrupting something?”

The three of you turned to stare at Alexander, and Theodosia and Philip looked back at you expectantly. Putting the most convincing smile you could manage on, you shook your head.

“No, you’re not,” you answered definitely, and then you swept past your friends, grabbing on to Alexander’s hand and dragging him back out to the dance floor.

You immediately felt some relief being out of the dance floor, free of the confined space of the alcove you were just in. Or maybe that was just the effect of Alexander’s hand in yours, who could ever be sure.

As the music for the previous song came to an end, Alexander and you took your place at the center of the ballroom. You took a deep breath and willed yourself to not look into his eyes. Drifting instead, your eyes found Bethany’s on the edge of the dance floor, smiling approvingly at the pair of you.

You felt like you needed to throw up.

“Are you sure everything’s alright between you and Philip and Theodosia?” Alexander asked quietly as the music started up. The two of you took your first steps together, and you nodded uninterested.

“Everything’s fine,” you eventually responded shortly, your face trying to maintain a pleasant façade, but it was fading fast.

Alexander’s eyebrows furrowed at this. “Okay, if you’re sure-“

“I’m sure,” you responded curtly, tears filling up your eyes again as a lump entered your throat. You didn’t- you couldn’t talk to him right now. Not with all these people watching. It was too much. He was too much, and you just needed to make it through this one dance.

His expression, however, turned grave at your latest answer. He studied you for a minute as you stayed stubbornly silent. “Are you drunk?” he asked finally, more taken aback than anything.

“Does it matter?” you responded back, feeling another wave of alcohol hit you, admitting to yourself you should have counted your drinks instead of just drinking every time you saw Alexander.

Alexander yanked you closer to him at this, and you concentrated on not stumbling. “Yes,” he hissed quietly into your ear. “It does matter because everyone is watching you here. We are not alone anymore, Y/N. You have to stay safe, which means you have to stay alert. Why in the world would you get drunk the first day your mother was back?”

He pulled back now, and you looked him defiantly in the eye. You were tired of everyone lecturing you today. “Do you know how hard it is to see you with her and know that that’ll never be me?” you asked, the hopelessness feeding into your voice. Alexander’s expression immediately softened at your words.

“Y/N, you don’t know that-“

“Of course I know that, Alexander!” you hissed, and he set his jaw into a tight clench. “We don’t have a chance! You are Bethany’s Choice, and I am my mother’s puppet. Neither of us have the freewill to choose each other, so yes I’m drunk because I love you and there is no future in this.”

Alexander stayed silent for a long time at this. You fought incredibly hard to keep the tears from falling.

Finally, he asked softly, “So what do you want to do?”

You clenched your jaw. “I don’t know, Alexander, I just-“

“What do you want to do, Y/N?” he asked again, a little more forcefully.

You clenched your eyes shut and took a shuddering breath. “I can’t,” you finally mumbled.

Helplessness filled Alexander’s eyes as they pleaded with you. “You can’t what?”

You considered him for a moment and as the two of you turned into the final bow of the dance, you averted your eyes from his, and softly said, “This. I can’t do this.”

Your eyes flitted back up to his, and felt like a dagger straight to your chest. He opened his mouth to begin begging, but you shook your head and broke the eye contact.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, and then swiftly exited the room.

You aren’t sure how long you stayed on the roof. And while you told yourself there was no reason to be chilling yourself down to your bones when you could just go inside and go to bed, you knew you were waiting.

And you hated that you were waiting.

“Hey,” a soft and cautious voice called out from behind you. You grimaced a bit, upset with yourself.

With a deep breath you turned to face the voice. Alexander seemed to be practically glowing at the ball in his dark navy attire with just enough gold accents to make it pop; but now he seemed a bit disheveled, a bit distraught, and you scolded yourself for doing this to him. It was always going to end up this way.

You defiantly decided to remain silent and instead waited for Alexander to say something.

He cleared his throat awkwardly when he realized you weren’t going to start. “Alright, I’m not here to fight,” he started, holding his hands up a bit defensively, unsure of how drunk you still were. You let out a sigh and avoided eye contact at this. “I just wanted to make sure you don’t freeze to death up here. Alcohol only fakes so much body heat,” he tried to joke, but it fell a little short.

You still gave it a small smile and then huffed into a frown, grounding yourself into the situation. You paused for a few moments, and then looked up at Alexander with tears in your eyes, but wanting to not address what was plaguing you both.

“How’d you know I would be up here?” you asked, trying to call him out, but he just answered with an uncomfortable smile, and you both knew. He knew you would be up here because while your mind might want to give Alexander up, your heart would always wait.

With a scoff and a small laugh, you shook your head with an ironic smile, and slowly walked yourself into Alexander’s chest, burying your head. You felt Alexander’s arms wrap around you as he let out a strained chuckle, and then slowly began to lead you towards the stairs. Effortlessly the both of you moved towards your room from muscle memory, but you paused before you left Alexander in.

“I- I meant what I said, Alexander,” you admitted regretfully. Steeling yourself, you forced your eyes to meet his. “Bethany and my mother are home. I can’t do this anymore.”

He paused for a moment, considering his response. “I know, Y/N… They left for Sayx already.”

His words were so quiet, you almost wondered if you imagined them. Your breath caught a little, because you knew what he was offering, and you knew you should say no. Spare him what little pain you could at this point. But in all sincerity, how much worse of a person would you be if you indulged your last night?

His eyes watched you carefully, and tears pooled in your own. The sincerity you saw told you you could refuse and he wouldn’t put up a fight. This was all on you.

And you were always so so weak when it came to Alexander. The words slipped out before you could process them.

“Stay the night,” you whispered, and before you could consider the ramifications of your mistake, his lips were on yours.

Gently, he led you backwards into your room, lips connected and his hands only briefly leaving your waist to close the door behind you. Your mind went fuzzy, still a bit tipsy from the alcohol, but mostly drunk off Alexander. Dazed and distracted through most of it, you were surprised when your back hit your bed and you found you and Alexander had somehow managed to undress each other down to your undergarments.

The look Alexander gave you… That was a look you knew would haunt you. Because you could see the desire in his eyes, and it frightened you because you were feeling that same desire pool in your body. You wanted him more than anything, but-

“Not tonight,” you whispered, before he could initiate anything else, and he immediately softened his expression and backed off you a bit. You suppressed the urge to be upset, because you knew this was it. This was the line you could not cross with him. It would be too cruel.

But you still couldn’t stop yourself from saying something potentially crueler in an attempt to ease the situation.

“Another night,” you promised, hoping he didn’t see through it. “Bethany and Aremine will be gone for a few days.”

His eyes lit up at this, but then he registered your words, and sat back in contemplation. You knew the wheels in his head were turning quickly as he considered whether or not he wanted to question your statement.

His conclusion was he did.

“You know why they’re going to Sayx?” he asked suspiciously.

You avoided eye contact, and scooted yourself further onto your bed and out from under him. Eventually, you gave a short nod; his eyebrows raised in mild surprise at this.

“Even Bethany didn’t know why they were going,” he prompted you, but you refused to answer that. He mulled it over in silence for a second. “Does it have to do with your plan?” he asked cautiously.

Clenching your jaw, you fiddled with your undergarments for a moment. “Yes,” you answered softly, after a moment. Your body was tense with anticipation of his next question. You knew he was going to ask. He was going to ask about the plan, and you didn’t know how you could respond at this point.

But to your surprise, no question came. Instead, Alexander shifted himself up the bed, planted a soft kiss on your forehead, and whispered, “Well then whatever you have planned will work itself out.” Then he crawled to the top of the bed and curled up patiently, waiting for you to join him.

And that was it. He had officially chipped away at your last piece of resolve. Alexander was so kind and respectful and trusting of your secrets, and you had done nothing but deceive and betray him.

Numbly, you climbed up to the top of the bed with him and curled up, his arms naturally wrapping themselves around you. And with a shuddering breath, you let the tears flow. You tried to keep the sobs quiet, but you knew Alexander could feel you.

Eventually he soothed you to sleep with his hand gently rubbing your back.

A killer headache woke you in the morning, and it momentarily displaced you. But when you realized what morning it was, and whose arms you were awaking in, you fought the urge to throw up.

It was time.

You knew you would need discretion if you were to accomplish this as eloquently as possible. Carefully, you removed his arms from around you and slipped from your bed. As quietly as possible, you slipped on a your favorite warm travel dress, and padded towards the desk.

Sitting down gently, you pulled a parchment of paper out and quickly uncapped your ink. Your pen had entered the ink when you heard Alexander shift behind you. You froze, panicked, but realized he was still fast asleep.

Your heart continued to race, but you quickly began to write down what you needed to say. What Alexander needed to know. What you had been too cowardly to disclose in him.

When the note was finished, and you blinked back the tears in your eyes, you softly grabbed you cloak and paused.

Immortal Until the Day We Die caught your eye on the desk, and your mind wrestled with itself. It was your favorite possession, and yet… you had no use for it anymore. It stayed on your desk as you slipped towards the door.

“Up early, aren’t we?”

You jumped at the voice and whirled around to find Alexander groggily teasing you, but with a perpetuated expression on his face, unsure of what you were doing.

“I- um. Yeah, I have to run to the market,” you lied, and forced yourself not to cringe at.

He seemed unphased by this. “Do you want me to come with you?” he asked, already sitting up in the bed, and waking a bit more.

“No!” you answered immediately, but tried to play it off as soon as the word left your mouth be clearing your throat. “No, that’s not necessary. It’ll just be a quick trip, and I wanted you to sleep in,” you explained, and you resisted drifting your eyes towards the letter on your desk left for him that explained explicitly the opposite of what you just told him.

But rather than argue with you on this, Alexander simply nodded and rolled back over.

You stood in the doorway staring at him frozen for something before you finally swallowed thickly and walked out. When you reached the stables, the small wagon you had had packed during the ball awaited you. You gently mounted your horse Reggie and connected the wagon. And then without looking back, you rode away from your manor as dawn broke, silently whispering you were sorry to everyone you were leaving behind.

“I have a deal for you, Mother.” The words left your mouth more confidently than you anticipated they could.

Aremine’s lips curled up as if she were just told a funny joke as her eyebrows raised. But she didn’t say anything, so you took this as your cue to continue.

“Step down from Lady of the Sector,” you requested, and her fake smile was immediately replaced with a stern expression. “And I will too.”

Her eyebrows once again raised at this, but her expression remained annoyed.

“What exactly are you proposing?” she finally sneered.

“Bethany. Make Bethany your heir and step down when she comes of age,” you explained.

Aremine considered this for a moment. “And you’ll just… gracefully disappear?” she asked, a heinous glint to her eyes.

You swallowed thickly, but maintained your facade. “Yes. I’ll leave. Disappear. Join a convent that will strip me of my title and officially require Bethany to become the heir. I can leave tomorrow, and Bethany and you can journey to Sayx at the same time to stand before the court and be granted legal blessing.”

“And how will I know you won’t come back?”

You paused at this because you were sure she had a few ideas of her own.

“I’ll make a Bond with you,” you offered, and she was once again caught offguard. “One Bond requiring you to step down when Bethany comes of age and requiring me to disappear to a remote convent.”

Her lips pursed at the proposition, clearly interested in getting rid of you as an heir voluntarily. And you could see her mind was already putting together Bethany would easily be young enough that Aremine would still technically be in charge even if not officially. She just needed her to agree and step down to put the war off a little longer while Philip and Theodosia worked out a more sustainable solution.

“Would there be any other conditions?” Aremine asked suddenly.

You cleared your throat. “Yes, one,” you spoke softly. “I want to be at Bethany’s wedding. After that…” You trailed off to allow Aremine’s imagination to do the rest of the work, and from the look in her eyes, she did.

A sickening smile curled at the corner of her lips.

“Very well.”

#iihmc #if i had my choice #alexander x reader #alex x reader #alexander hamilton x reader #hamilton x reader

28 notes · View notes

ais-n · 6 years

Note

(2) So when did Boyd figure out E actually loved him? Not that E was ever hard to figure out with that. Even Viv knew. Also when did Boyd start to care about E to that extent? Just now thought of that. I'm glad he does but it seemed like quite the leap from before or was it a gradual thing as I'm suspecting? I just cant see Boyd caring for E in Interludes like he does in Fade lol Still love it though! I love Boyd

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS FOR ICOS! :D

2 - answer continued from last ask - I put this one behind a cut because I wrote a lot and it ended up having more specific spoilers.

Regarding Boyd caring, he started to give a shit surprisingly early on, but really started actually caring more in Interludes, but like, more toward the end of it. In Afterimage, there’s that whole scene where E shows up at Boyd’s house and Boyd’s like FUCK OFF ASSHOLE GET OUT at first, but E ignores him and they start talking. There’s a part there where Boyd realizes E = LMC, and since LMC was pretty arrogant but actually helpful, Boyd immediately re-evaluated what he thought of E. He had gone into the idea of E loathing him because of what E had done to Hsin, but realizing E was also LMC meant he couldn’t all be bad. And since being LMC without saying HEYOO GUESS WHO I AM? :D despite seeing Hsin all that time, made him both kind of an asshole, but also mostly a big fucking dorkball in Boyd’s mind. And so he was like -- ”jfc, if you’re THAT fucking awkward about emotions, then yeah, I can translate you by using my Hsin Translation Skills.”

Early Interludes, Boyd still wasn’t sure exactly what he thought about E but he realized pretty much right away that E really cares about Hsin. Loves him, in fact. And Boyd recognized that E was even worse than Hsin when it came to the idea of love or positive emotions... Hsin was awkward about it and wouldn’t really talk about shit, but his actions said a lot for what he was thinking. E was even more awkward, to the point that he tended to profess loudly all this shit that Boyd read right through and recognized often was the opposite of how he felt.

So pretty early on, Boyd gets E, and reads him pretty well. But he’s also kind of like *eyeroll* in most of Interludes because E’s so extra about everything. But Boyd also knew E could be relied upon to get shit done if it was sketchy or illegal and had to do with Hsin, so he kept him in mind. Also, Boyd didn’t want to make Hsin uncomfortable. He knew Hsin was kind of mad that everyone ended up loooooving E no matter what, despite Hsin being like BUT HE’S SUCH AN ASSHOLE WHY. Boyd didn’t want Hsin thinking Boyd liked E because of the mask he put on, because that mask was not Boyd’s jam at all and he would actually hate E if he was only like that. The reason Boyd liked E was because he saw so much Hsin in him, and so he thought maybe he could help E and Hsin reconnect, if they needed it. He kind of felt like they just both needed their words and actions translated to each other, because they were both such morons when it came to love. But E was way more of a moron than Hsin.

But, knowing that it upset Hsin (because at one point in Interludes maybe? or late Afterimage? Hsin basically tells Boyd it kind of frustrates/annoys him that even Boyd was sort of defending E), Boyd tried not talking about E too much around Hsin except where it made sense. And it’s not like E and Boyd hung out much so most of the time, it wasn’t really something where it mattered that much what Boyd thought about him.

But yeah, Boyd had actually kind of liked E from that moment he first talked to him as E. It’s just that if you read that scene, he went into it HATING E because he thought he was the lowest human being on the planet for what he did to Hsin, until he learned he was LMC and then he did an immediate about-face and reassessed his feelings. I forget how much made it on page there, but that’s basically what was happening internally.

It’s not like in that scene he immediately loved E, it’s just that he immediately went, “Wait, maybe I owe him a chance to prove himself” and so he shoved his biases aside and spent most of Interludes kind of observing his behavior and determining what he felt about it. But pretty much right away he got that E is a dork. In Interludes - Masquerade or whatever it’s called where E and Boyd train, even there Boyd’s already seeing through E’s bullshit, and being like “yeah, yeah, you’re like a 2 year old who can’t say what he really wants to say because he’s too embarrassed. i’ll just react to you based on what you’re REALLY saying, not what’s coming out of your mouth.”

So generally speaking it was mostly gradual, except for his initial reassessment in his home back in Afterimage, where he did a total 180 on his willingness to listen to E’s side of anything in that single scene, based primarily on the knowledge that E = LMC. Because LMC had been a pretty decent dude who Boyd had felt like he could trust, for some reason, so E had banked up a decent amount of goodwill in Boyd as LMC. I mean, LMC was still fucked up, but he had saved Hsin’s life, and despite fucking with them he had also helped them, so Boyd’s overall review of LMC had been relatively positive. (I can’t remember if he knew back then - or ever - about E being involved in the whole attack on the compound thing, though. That would’ve brought his feelings back toward the negative. I feel like Boyd didn’t learn E was involved in that until way later??? Been too long, I forget.)

Ok so anyway back to the original question - all that above answers that question up until Fade.

The reason why, by those scenes in Fade, Boyd seems to care more about E in general, and specifically even more than his own mother, is because of all the shit that happened between Interludes and Fade.

Boyd felt betrayed by both his mother and the Agency. He was incredibly fucked up mentally and emotionally, and losing Hsin was the most devastating blow that could have happened. Carhart didn’t seem super sympathetic to Boyd and as I mentioned in another ask, Boyd’s belief that he could inherently trust Carhart with his vulnerability was already shaken in Afterimage when Carhart made it absolutely clear (Boyd felt at the time) that Boyd meant nothing to him compared to Hsin. Kind of a feeling like - if one of you has to die, doesn’t matter which of you made the choices that lead to that ultimatum, either way Boyd should die and Hsin should be saved no matter what, because Hsin is inherently more valuable regardless of anything else.

It’s not like Boyd hated Carhart or anything but he had felt safer going to E with things emotionally than Carhart because E was jacked up but at least he was a jacked up Boyd could translate. The only translation Boyd knew to do for Carhart was more in line with his mother, which is to say, he saw it like this: Carhart is as honest a person as his mother is. Which means if they tell you they hate you or wish you were dead, they mean it. Not like if E or Hsin tell you they hate you or wish you were dead, at which point they’re actually saying they like you a lot and it annoys them that they feel that human emotion of liking you so they lash out.

So in early Fade, when Carhart wasn’t very open to Boyd (because he himself was shut down emotionally after everything), Boyd didn’t really have anywhere to go. He was super fucked up and he just needed someone to understand how fucked up he was and not judge him for it - someone who loved Hsin as much as he did, so would understand. Carhart loved the holy hell out of Hsin, that wasn’t a question. But Carhart’s way of dealing with his loss was kind of being guarded, which was understandable, but not something Boyd could deal with mentally properly at that time. It felt like punishment to Boyd. He needed someone to talk to him, to let him feel like he was in a safe space, and Carhart at that time felt as cold as Viv did in terms of being an open safe space.

So that’s why Boyd goes to see E... first of all, because he’s really hoping that E somehow fixed everything and this is all a lie and etc etc. But also because he knew E wouldn’t lie to him. E wouldn’t shut him out. E would have been as fucked up as Boyd felt, because E had clearly lashed out and gotten himself in trouble. Which meant Boyd felt he could trust E more there. After all, there was nothing Boyd had done or that he felt now that he thought E would judge, since with E’s background, he seemed more likely than anyone to understand.

Hsin was the main bonding agent for Boyd with E in Fade, and that’s why going forward Boyd started trusting and caring about E even more. Not only because E reminded him of Hsin, but because E was the one person Boyd knew loved Hsin as much as he did and who got as fucked up by him being gone as Boyd was.

Also, in that infamous scene with E and Boyd, even though things got all fucked up between them later, in the beginning of that scene, they seek each other out because of overwhelming grief. And when Boyd was super vulnerable in the start of it, when Boyd expected that E with his history of drug abuse would totally let Boyd get into shit without even thinking about it, E stopped him. Even though Boyd was angry about it, E still stopped him.

And that meant the world to Boyd, especially afterward. That one moment of stopping him without judging or chastising him, of just being like “yeah I get it, I know why you want it, but nope-a-dope, bro, my boy would kill me” showed Boyd more than anything that E cared, but also that E would help him when he was at his lowest. That E wouldn’t try to use him and throw him away or betray him like the Agency had, like he felt his mother had, like he even felt a little like Carhart had. Especially right after the whole Aleixo thing, where he spent so long being hurt by others for their gratification, that gesture of E’s cut through Boyd and showed him that E didn’t want to use and betray him like everyone else. E was fucked up, definitely, but so was Boyd. They may make stupid decisions sometimes, but at least when it came to each other and Hsin, they had good intentions. And for Boyd at that time, that meant the world.

By the time the whole thing with Carhart happened, Boyd was more concerned with E than the others because Boyd felt like Carhart and Viv were similarly built mentally, even though so much about them was SO different and opposite. But it seemed like both of them could use other people who were close to them and then just shut them out and down without warning, seemingly outwardly without any feeling about it, if it benefited them or their careers. Boyd felt that Carhart had done that to Boyd himself more than once, even though other times Carhart had also helped. And it hurt Boyd deeply every time. But Carhart also cared about the Agency, same way Viv did. Because of that, sometimes they were in shitty positions where they didn’t really have a good choice.

But Boyd knew people like E didn’t really function that way of cutting off emotions suddenly. He knew E loved Carhart, and he knew that love was pretty much the hardest thing for E to acknowledge, and he knew that would make E really vulnerable to Carhart. And with Hsin not around, Boyd probably identified more with E than anyone. He felt like E could have really put a lot of his vulnerability into loving Carhart, believing Carhart to be the trustworthy and stand-up dude Boyd had once blindly thought him to be too, and since Boyd knew for himself how hard it was to trust others with his vulnerability and exactly how much it cut him to the core to have that vulnerability be taken advantage of or used against him, he felt like in the group of E, Carhart, and Viv, E was the one most likely to be hurt. Because E was the least calculating of them. Of the three of them, Boyd assumed E was most like him in that way, and so he was most concerned with E feeling like he was being used and betrayed. And since E was way more unpredictable than Carhart and Viv, Boyd also worried about how crazy E could go if he suddenly decided FUCK IT about everything, since he thought that the main reason E hung around the Agency was for Hsin (now no longer a factor) and Carhart. If Carhart betrayed E, what would happen?

I guess the tl;dr on it all is - Boyd originally liked Carhart because he felt like a kind, safe, genuinely good person to be around... someone who would protect him. He felt like Carhart really cared about him after a point, and that he wanted him to succeed. Basically, Carhart was his father figure. The dad he had now, after his real dad was killed when he was so young. It was something Boyd desperately needed and wanted, and it helped him start to come out of his shell more to feel like someone was there as a parental figure who he could trust not to hurt him the way his mother had so many times. That was why it hurt so much when he felt later like Carhart suddenly turned on him and made it clear Hsin would always be his only REAL son, and Boyd was just like, the annoying neighborhood kid they let into the house to eat their cereal sometimes because it was easier letting him in than not. Boyd may feel welcome in that home, but he wasn’t actually family, and never would be. In the end, he would always be meaningless on any scale including the REAL children. It was a reminder, therefore, that the person who would have loved him above all others like Carhart did for Hsin, was not Carhart but was his dead dad. In other words, Boyd would never have anyone who would care about him and help him and never hurt him, who would be his parental figure, and who would always be there without judgment if he faltered. That person did not exist for Boyd. That person only existed for Hsin.

E was someone who never pretended to care about Boyd at all, let alone more than anyone else. E never made Boyd feel like he could be a father figure, or like he would always be there to back Boyd. E never even pretended to be reliable for Boyd emotionally. E was just there, doing his thing. But because of that, Boyd came to really trust and rely on him, because he knew E wouldn’t lie to him. E wouldn’t convince him it was okay to give him that vulnerable side of himself only to throw it out with the garbage when it wasn’t convenient anymore. E never pretended that Boyd mattered to him as much as Hsin, just so he could later make it clear to Boyd’s face he meant nothing compared to Hsin. E simply acted like Boyd was just some weirdo kid fucking his son, and they got along surprisingly well and could talk about whatever because they didn’t really care if they offended each other. And so Boyd trusted him more, because E would never be able to hurt Boyd as severely as Carhart or Viv could and had. Sort of like how Boyd had come to trust going to Kassian with certain things at one point because it didn’t matter what Kassian thought of him at that time, not the way it mattered to Boyd at the time what Hsin thought.

For Boyd, he’s just very guarded with certain things because he’s been burned too many times. And so, for him, he trusts people the most when they don’t lie to him, or when their honesty isn’t telling him he’s worthless or meaningful only at the convenience of someone else. In Fade, those feelings were even stronger. In Evenfall, he still believed in people more, and it was that willingness to eventually take a chance on trusting others that got him burned at different points, and by Fade made him realize people could be good people or predictable people and that’s fine, but if they didn’t want to prioritize him in any way then they were most likely going to make a choice at some point that would devastate him because they were placing other values higher than him. Which didn’t make them inherently bad, or anything.

It was just that by then, Boyd was tired of being collateral damage. He had been that pretty much his whole life, and he no longer wanted to bear his heart to people who couldn’t be trusted with it.

That’s why E felt like the safer person for him, and why he ultimately was more worried about E than anyone. E never really said or acted like, “You, Boyd Beaulieu, you matter to me” and so Boyd felt like it wouldn’t rip him apart if E would ever later suddenly decide to make it clear Boyd didn’t matter at all. And by that point, E was the last person Boyd had who totally got why Boyd was so completely fucked in the head and who loved Hsin as much as he did. Which meant E understood how those two factors could sometimes overlap in really jacked up ways.

I feel like I took a million words to say the same thing over and over in varying ways. Sorry about that -_- I just find it so hard to explain because some things probably feel a bit contradictory between what’s seen of characters on the surface by other characters vs the way Boyd internalizes and interprets things. Carhart and E are a perfect example of that, because Evenfall Boyd trusted Carhart SO MUCH and really liked him and cared about him, and hated E from the stories he’d been told. But Fade Boyd felt like Carhart could turn on him at any second but not do it to be a dick, just do it because he wouldn’t realize or necessarily care about the impact it might have on Boyd because Boyd didn’t really matter to him except in very specific circumstances, all of which were based on what was convenient for Carhart and not what was needed emotionally by Boyd. And E, meanwhile, was more reliable to Fade Boyd because E didn’t lie to him by pretending he cared about him in the first place, so if E suddenly turned on him it wouldn’t really hurt or even feel like a betrayal.

I guess the even more tl;dr way of saying all of that is in Evenfall, Boyd didn’t have high hopes of anyone and expected people to ignore him but he still believed in the possibilities of others, and in Fade, Boyd expected people to use and betray him and then act like he was at fault for reacting to that.

I’m probably just making everything way ++++++ more confusing by now so I’ll stop.... jfc -_-

btw it was probably clear because I tried to word it this way, but everything in this post is based on how Boyd saw things and how Boyd interpreted things, regardless of how the other characters saw their own actions or intended them to be interpreted.

#ask ais #icos #in the company of shadows #Anonymous

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