#never has my psychosis been worse than it was then

[celestiachan]

sometimes i think about the people who traumatized me in 2020 and i almost start crying because i cannot comprehend how evil you have to be to be a whole adult and not apologize when a child says that you made them feel suicidal

[corollaservant]

The Host // Chrollo x f!Reader (18+)

Synopsis: Chrollo likes you, you remind him of someone he knows. Better yet, you might just be her. He's hosting a show tonight and you're starring in it.

Warnings: noncon/dubcon, yandere, kidnapping, drugging, manipulation/coercion, knives, oral and penetrative sex, psychosis/schizophrenia, stalking, Sarasa mentions (Chrollo's childhood friend), spoilers for the manga, would add more but it kinda ruins it.

A/N: inspired by Phantom Troupe's flashback in the Succession Contest arc and my love for Chrollo. Played intentionally with the verb tenses.

The party. That’s right, you were at a party, a drink in your hand and your friend with you. Where was the party? A sharp pain pierces your cranium and you wince. What ever happened to your friend? You decide you can't show empathy at present time.

It was commonly assumed that memory followed a chronological sequence, that the human brain could recall memories exactly like they unfolded but in all honesty, memory recalling happened in fragments for most. The party. Your friend. The colors of the light. A man. 

A man. Who was the man and what were you talking about, you try to think but it’s kind of hard when you can’t see, you’re blindfolded and tied to a chair. Earthy odor, smells like soil, you note. Not that this takes you far. You had definitely been drugged, you felt weak and nauseous (it was a wonder the stills popped in your head) eyes so tightly folded, the little shapes and colors from the pressure increasing your fatigue, your heart palpitating. Was this date rape? You couldn’t touch yourself to find out but you felt intact. This was also not a date. Then why the abduction and ropes? To offer something, you think. But you didn’t have much to offer for the record. You try calming yourself down but the thought only stresses you further. Fuck, how long was this going to take?

Chrollo never did things without reason. Never talked without it, stole without it (debatable, but they were in need), never acted without it or killed without it. You being there was no mistake, he was wondering how you felt at the moment, not very familiar with human emotions, they all seemed wary, he thought, so he often brushed them off—he didn't care enough to dig deeper. Chrollo listened, he never talked. He could sit through a Troupe meeting actively hearing the members, knowing fully well when stupid proposals and ideas were spouted as they all patiently waited for his final word. He didn’t mind, he thought it was funny how people unraveled without him trying.

His decision on you, he had to admit was made on impulse. He didn’t mean to drug you. He didn’t mean to abduct you. Unlike you, he remembers details. Him and the Troupe were in a club (silly to assume for entertainment, a stolen prize now decorating the heist gallery in one of the Troupe's hideouts) when he saw you. You weren’t far, a couple inches away, drinking clumsily and conversing with a person he presumed was a friend by the proximity of it. You had her eyes, he thought. Of course he could see perfectly in the dark, well, he could pretty much use any of his senses to a higher extent, he wouldn’t be a Specialist after all. Your wide eyes gleamed, they squinted when you couldn’t listen. To make matters worse, you had your hair in pigtails, loosely falling down your shoulders, long hair divided by two black hair ties. Just like hers, he thinks.

Now, Chrollo is not sentimental, he really isn’t, but the optic parallels cloud his judgement and he wants nothing more but to be by your side, to reminisce the part of him that died a long time ago. He can’t cry, not unless he has a reason; he does nothing without it, but feels touched merely by your presence. Once the decision is finalized, he makes a move.

-

‘’Excuse me, miss.’’ A voice rings behind you. A tall man with dark brown hair and gloomy eyes holds out your house keys, you always shoved them in your pockets, as you considered it safer than your purse, not directly attached to your body. 

‘’T- thank you.’’ You stammer, you’ve had a couple of drinks as the club lights hit on your face making you stumble against him, the guy behind you dancing so carelessly, you’re being pushed left and right either way. 

‘’Be careful.’’ He smiles as he extends his arm to hold you upright, a mournful look on his face as he walks away. The keys. The man. The drink. Dark. There is no memory of what happened after. 

It’s the same voice you hear entering the room, was it even a room? The sounds echo as if you are in a cave.

‘’Finally, here you are darling.’’ He smoothly says as you scream the first thing that comes to your mind ‘’What the fuck do you want?’’. Your voice rips through the "cave" but you are certain it makes no difference. Whoever this is, doesn’t worry about the helpless sounds you’re about to make.

‘’Darling, please don’t yell, I’m right here.’’ The voice of the man inches closer, as the blindfold is being removed from your hurting eyes. Your heart races when you see him in all his glory, ominous stare and a tattoo decorating his forehead (did he have this at the club?), blue orb-shaped earrings, a peculiar attire that reminds you of a Victorian vampire—a long coat with feathers all the way down his ankles and some funny boots. His calm expression while supposed to be relaxing, just increases the nausea in your stomach, he seems familiar with such processes. As for the place, it isn’t coming to your aid either, you can’t recognize what this used to be (a warehouse? a prison? an actual cave for outcasts in the city suburbs?). You feel the known sensory feeling well up in your eyes, it’s starting to become serious. 

‘’W-what to do you want?’’ You stutter, unable to scream; you could but see no point.

‘’Are your hands in pain my darling?’’ His eyes look over your tied wrists with concern and he flinches looking at the knot. ‘’I told Feitan to go easy on you.’’ ‘’Well.. he just never listens.’’

‘’What do you want from me?’’ You want to scream and beg him to let you go, he didn’t assault you so what does he even want? You had no use to a person, as far as you knew, an unessential addition to people’s lives.

‘’My sweet darling..’’ He murmurs as he prolongs the sentence, his words making a bile travel to your mouth; your nausea from the drugging never really went away.

What sick game is this?

‘’Please excuse the sudden change of heart after our brief encounter at [ ]. I was hoping you can understand that I wanted you here today for a very special reason.’’ He starts and your heart’s thrumming, you silently beg him to get to the point. You want out of there immediately.

‘’Please!’’ You yelp frustrated ‘’Just tell me!’’

‘’How about I show you? Hmm?’’ He responds, his velvety voice making you gag. ‘’Shalnark!’’ He calls and a blonde guy (boy?) makes an appearance holding a.. tripod and a digital camera, which he sets right next to him, adjusting the tripod’s legs and connecting the mounting head with the camera.

‘’Everything's set up, anything else boss?’’ This guy literally beams as your eyes widen, was this a perverted farce? What did the guy mean with fucking boss?

‘’W-what is this?’’ You ask but ‘boss’ has his a attention directed at the blonde guy. 

‘’Think you’re forgetting something, Shalnark..’’ He playfully scolds and the boy’s eyes light up as if having a sudden godlike revelation. 

‘’You’re so right, boss!’’ He widely smiles as he exits.

‘’W-what are you gonna do?’’ You are crying, anxious and can't think straight—the psychotic simulation suddenly makes you wish it would’ve been a date rape.

The boy comes back and this time he is holding a wireless microphone, which he passes to the ‘boss’, his name unknown and not your concern at the moment as he wordlessly leaves you once again to his mercy.

‘’Now, sweetheart,’’ You flinch at the choice of words. ‘’I would like for you to hold this right here.’’ He tells you indicating the microphone ‘’I’m going to untie you, please think carefully of your next move.’’ He says as he comes close to you, removing the ropes and freeing your bruised wrists. Your eyes flicker, should you try this? He knows. He sees you. He is a Specialist after all, he has a reason. The split second your left foot is turned towards his right, a wide knife with a sharp blade is pressed to your neck, while you’re being headlocked to his sides. This happens so fast you hardly have time to comprehend it.

‘’Sweetheart.’’ He sighs. ‘’The knife’s not just sharp, it’s also poisonous, so please behave.’’ He goes about it as if he deals with things like that daily, you feel your legs trembe and almost snap but he lifts you up and places you back to your initial spot. What kind of a psychotic freak has a poisonous knife on them? And why are his reflexes so fast?

‘’Will you please hold this, darling?’’ He patiently asks again, as he hands the microphone over, your hands shake but you take it, eyes wide in fear.

‘’Now..’’ He smiles. ‘’We’ll go over the script, oh..it’s been such a long time since I’ve done this!’’ He exclaims looking...happy?

He hands you over a paper with a language you can’t understand and small dialogues—you take it it’s a German variation, as there’s these funny dots over the vowels but also has some incomprehensible words and you can’t make the distinction. On the bottom there’s this image of some superheroes with cleaning devices, one holds a broom, the other one a mop. Nothing makes sense and you feel exhausted as you try to negotiate a way out. Maybe he is just a freak who wants a stupid script played out, maybe it’s that. Maybe you will be able to be free, to see your cat again. Maybe. Logic has left you, but you don't seem to notice.

‘’W-will you..please..let me go after?’’ You whisper, ready to hear the worst.

‘’My precious, of course! Please grant me this favor and I will set you free immediately, I ask for you to forgive previous gestures on my behalf, it just happens that they mean so much to me..’’ The words linger as you suspiciously eye him up. This is not a time for bargains or reason so you’ll comply to the freak’s needs. 

You start reciting as he cuts you off. ‘’More passion, my angel, you need to say it aloud, shout out the line!’’ and you sniff, what a fucking weirdo. 

He makes you retake the incoherent dialogues multiple times, cutting you off, correcting you, shouting at you for not waiting for his part. Of course he assigned himself the leader role, must've been some god complex—no wonder from a perverted mind like his.

It is around the middle of the play, when you mispronounce a word that he seems agitated as he approaches you. He slaps your face with malice, an ominous stare, his eyes burn as you let the microphone fall from the impact. 

‘’You mispronounced this, she’d never do that.’’ He spits and you start feeling a new round of tears forming in your eyes, who she is and what you had to do with her not making any sense in your mind. You sob as you brokenly stutter.

‘’I-I'm sorry, w-we can redo this, please..’’ He stares at you, the same pitiful expression on his face. He doesn't look upset anymore, all that pent up anger left him, the more he looks in your pretty eyes, how could he stay mad at you? You were after all the person he used to care for the most. A veiny hand approaches your now disheveled pigtails (pigtail in actuality, as one hairtie fell off during your abduction) and his fingers twirl around it. His lower half close to your face as you look up at him. He is absentmindedly staring at your hair when he kneels down to your height. 

‘’I’m sorry.’’ He smiles. ‘’Would you forgive me, my darling?’’ His breath fans on the red mark and your parted mouth. Tears are staining your cheeks as he brushes a thumb to 'clean' you. The proximity is eerie, you hesitantly avert your eyes as you gulp.

‘’Y-yes, sir,’’ You whisper, ‘’l-let’s continue this.’’ You're eager to be set free, eager for this twisted game to end. 

‘’No, we shall not occupy ourselves with my play anymore, Sarasa.’’

Sarasa? Who the fuck is this and what did you have to do with her? 

You don't like the new proximity, it makes you anxious, his hands still cup your jaw before he stands up and tugs at the loosened pigtail.

A bulge now decorates his pants and while you try to avert your eyes, you can't help but notice it. His finger grazes over your lips as he slides one in your mouth, observing you from above the whole time. A sigh escapes his lips when he hears you gag.

‘’Suck on it...’’ he orders, ‘’please, darling.’’

There's no plea in this tone, only authoritative command. You do as asked and he readjusts his legs. You can guess what's next and you just want this to be over—there is no escape but if sucking him off means you get to be free, you’d be more than willing to do that.

He unzips his pants, sliding them down together with his boxers as his cock springs free, he is probably the biggest you've seen and you panic thinking of him in your mouth. He must’ve noticed because he chuckles and approaches you. You are about to shut your eyes and start the lewd act when he steps aside and ties your wrists behind your back again. Left with your mouth hanging open, a victim to merciless desires, he puts his fingers in your mouth. Your saliva coats the digits, which he removes and cautiously places on his cock, stroking himself to the sight of you, stricken with fear and quivering, his good Sarasa, how he had failed to protect her, as he continues to jerk himself off in front of you. The scene is lewd: his naked torso protrudes over his ridiculously oversized feather coat, his cock oozes his precum and makes wet sounds coming in contact with your saliva and a tormented face; his head's arched back and slow ‘’im sorry’’s exit his mouth. You feel a sting in your core looking at him and the vague bile you had in your throat makes you audibly gag. How can you be thinking like this right now? But your body isn't run by your superego, your moral compass doesn't dictate your physical instincts and your legs are unconsciously brought together to alleviate the pain.

He is getting himself off, glancing at you, knowing you drink him in. His strokes become faster when he suddenly touches your lips with his thumb and parts your mouth only for an angry cock to slam against your throat without a warning. He hisses and grabs your head to push your mouth and nose all the way down, he wants his release and wants it now. You can't breathe or shout or protest in any way, only wiggling your tied hands and crying out in pain, which comes off as groans that reverberate on him and he crumbles— falling apart, moaning and shooting all his release down your throat. Snots and tears fall on his cock and he slowly removes himself.

‘’What a mess you made, darling.’’ He exhales too composed, looking down.

You were responsible for this? 

‘’I hope the camera is still on, because I am intending to punish you, Sarasa.’’ He continues. ‘’You only had one line, my angel, one line in the entire play and you couldn't make it. You know how much this upsets me?’’ His voice almost breaks, the ordeal messes you up even more.

You can’t understand him, you want to get out, your throat already hurts from his penetration and you fear for the next part. You know it must involve sex and shudder at the realization he'll have to touch you down there. The thought that you had been wet up until he came in your mouth, the fact that he would soon enough know this, the fact that you have been involuntarily aiding his mission by complying to his cruel needs makes you feel vile but you have no time to process this as you feel two arms cutting the ropes quickly, letting you free from the chair you were tied to. 

You jump up before realizing it, you’ll run you think—(you really don't have time to think, you act solely on instinct) but his agility prevails once again, fast reflexes have your neck choked as he grabs you from behind, the knife with the black handle against an artery as you halt. 

‘’This was my last warning, sweetheart, please comply before it’s too late.’’ 

He is dragging you back, forcing you to turn around, his cock still free and half hard, is he seriously turned on by your futile attempts for freedom?

What a sick person.

He languidly sits on the chair with his coat draping and touching the floor as he positions you on his bare lap. You draw a sharp breath, as you feel him under you, a disgusting cock rubbing your clothed entrance —he sighs and pulls you in an embrace. He smells like cedar, you think, cedar and sweat as he brings his lips to yours, connecting them softly. You keep them shut, your eyes open and he knows it because he quickly pulls away. ‘’Darling, why don’t you kiss me?’’ he murmurs. You feel a sharp blade trailing down your spine, his knife moves to your sides and pokes at the flesh as he brings his lips close again. Your skirt reminds him of hers and it makes him desperate for closure, he'd protect her better this time, he thinks as a stiff cock touches your panties, connecting your heat to his and making you softly whine, sounds you can't control. ‘’Please..’’ he whispers and you finally do it. You let yourself get lost in the moment, your freedom is close but the more you think about it, the more anxious you become and sadistic tendencies like his leave no space for slip ups. His mouth clashes against yours, tongue overlapping your own, of course he'd be in control, while the knife rests on your lower back. You start grinding down his length, hands digging at the roots of his hair as you feel yourself lubricated against your will, you want this to be over, that’s what you tell yourself. 

With a hand behind your back holding the knife and the other one free, he decides to feel your silky softness, test it for himself, his good girl, how obedient she is under his touch, how eager to be punished for her wrongdoings. He teases your entrance, as he smears the wetness gathered around, you choke on a moan, your still functioning conscious and pride making you want to stay silent but that's impossible with a hand around your clit and a finger sliding with ease inside your walls. The knife also doesn't leave you with another choice.

‘’I want you to call out my name.’’ He hums as he continues his rhythm, you are slowly coming undone on his fingers.

‘’W-what’s your name, sir?’’ You manage to breathe out in between thrusts, you’ve been trying to fuck yourself on his fingers, instinctively guided by a pressure within.

‘’Chrollo.’’ 

What a funny name. 

‘’P-please..Chrollo.’’ You whine, it's when he decides to remove his fingers from you. 

‘’Oh, Sarasa,’’ he sighs, ‘’you’ve misbehaved enough today, I really wanted to punish you, you know that?’’ 

‘’N-no, p-please, Chrollo..’’ You practically purr. At this point calling you Sarasa doesn't even bother you, you got accustomed to it some time ago. 

Something in the way you hum his name makes his eyes flicker and he wordlessly drops the knife behind him, as he squeezes his cock to line up with your slit.

‘’Don’t think I don’t have other means to restrain you, darling.’’ He mutters and pulls you down on him, giving you no time to adjust to his girth, the head slamming against your insides as you let out a lewd moan. 

‘’S-sir!’’ You moan, as you're sucking him in, taking every inch as best as you can given the circumstance while large palms viciously grope your behind, smashing your hips down his groin. Your pretty face bouncing atop him, wide eyes, oh these eyes, looking at his now fully darkened ones and he watches his pretty girl come apart, soft moans leaving your smudged lips, pigtails now fully disheveled; your hair bounces freely on your delicate shoulders. He observes your mouth, how beautiful it looks each time it curves and smiles at him, each time you’d tell him ‘’Look at what I found!’’ excitedly, a tape among the junk, a broken toy—you were his favorite companion. Chrollo feels himself jerk within your walls, you're trapping him inside and he won't last long. 

‘’Come for me, please...’’ He needs this, he needs you. You grip his hair fervently as you let out small ‘’fuck’’s (involuntarily, you convince yourself).

He is inching you closer to your relief despite your disdain and you can tell he is there with you, parted mouth leaving shaky, pleading blabbers, as he grabs your hair and twists it in his palm, tugging at it harshly. You are forced to throw your head back so it gives him the opportunity to assault your neck, sucking and biting on it, the sensation tingles and arouses you as you come apart, digging your nails in his arms.

‘’C-chrollo–agh!’’ You sing, it pleases him and makes him groan—he is cumming for you, your core spasms and tightens, clit pulsating and muscles taut as he thrusts upwards to fill you up as much as anatomically possible. Semen starts falling down his thighs but he still holds you tightly. He's marked you his twice and doesn't think he'll ever forget.

‘’My good girl...’’ He exhales shakily, ‘’my precious, little girl.’’ He continues, rubbing your back, as your weight falls on him, the knife tossed behind him looks at you and you shut your eyes.

-

Chrollo lets you go. He doesn’t order you a ride or have the blonde guy escort you. You have to walk 45 exhausting minutes to find a bus stop and even then, you hardly recognize the area. 

He leaves for the next 6 months, not communicating anything to the rest of the Troupe, people overestimate their closeness. He replays your video every night while he’s away fighting and earning (stealing) abilities, your beautiful, expressive eyes haunt his dreams, Sarasa would like you if she met you. Sarasa would make friends with you. Sarasa, you. What's the difference? 

Chrollo comes back only to find you sleeping, so peacefully he rejoices at the sight. Absolutely perfect and innocent, he tainted you and you didn’t even care? He smiles. He tells himself you're a bad girl for sleeping with your doors unlocked, just like Sarasa liked to wander on her own and look where that got her. Maybe the door wasn’t unlocked, it’s something he finds irrelevant now. He had kept his promise, he thinks. You should be grateful he’s honest.

[glade-constellation]

It’s so funny, in the most non-funny way possible, that there is an easy solution for what’s happening. The TSAMS characters are currently jumping to the wildest fucking conclusions for how to fix this situation, and they are all absolutely terrible ideas. All they have to do is two things.

First, add the magic suppression barrier to Moon’s cell, the one Eclipse was trapped in a little after V3 first came back. That way Moon can’t pull in any magic or star power. Fixes that whole problem with shocking Moon unconscious.

Second, set a routine. Yep. That simple. All they have to do is set up a routine for Moon to follow every day, and make sure that routine is actually kept.

See, I don’t deal with hallucinations. Never have. But I do deal with heavy dissociation and messy memory on a daily basis. A lot of my time is spent feeling like my world just isn’t real, and being in a weird state of emotional disconnect from everything. It’s just a part of my diagnosis. It’s definitely not the same as what Moon is dealing with — I couldn’t even begin to imagine — but I do feel there are at least some similarities.

Setting myself a routine is one of the things that helps me feel a little more grounded. Doing certain things every day at a certain time helps me feel a little more real, and also helps remind me to do important things like take my medication or feed my pets. It distracts me from thinking about other things, since I’m focus on remembering “okay, in this many minutes, I have to do this thing”.

Setting up a routine for Moon is going to give him something real to follow, and keep him at least a little more distracted from his hallucinations. Yes, it’s going to be hard to talk with him. Everyone is pretty much currently upset with him, so having a civil conversation is going to be difficult. But talking is the best thing to do right now. Set a specific time to talk with him. It doesn’t just have to be therapy talks, they could literally talk about anything. Reminisce over old funny memories together. Tell him about what’s happening with the kids in the daycare. Hell, talk about the world news. Sneaking therapy talk in there is going to be important, but distraction from the hallucinations is going to be what he needs. That routine will give him something to differentiate between real life and hallucinations. If he’s seeing something that’s not a part of the routine, he can recognize it’s not real, and then look forward to the next part of his routine that is real.

The only thing they are currently doing right is keeping Moon in a safe location for both himself and other people. Literally every other thing they are doing right now is the worst possible thing you could do for someone going through psychosis. It’s going to do the exact opposite of what they want for him. None of this is going to help him get better.

Moon needs a legitimate specialized therapist right now, not to be shock into unconscious every time he tries to get free. This is going to make him infinitely worse than he already is.

Would it take longer? Yeah. It’s going to take a lot longer. But healing isn’t instant. It’s not even linear. There are never quick and easy solutions for healing from what Moon has been through. Even doing all the right things, Moon could continue to get worse before showing any sign of getting better. But at least he would get better.

He will never get better if everyone just gives the fuck up.

[bugs1nmybrain]

Bipolar!Shigaraki Tomura Headcanons

I'm writing it. Because I CAN

Before I start, I am writing these headcanons as someone who has been diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1 for almost three years now. I frankly could not care less if people don't think he has Bipolar Disorder, I'm writing this for my comfort and that of others who either have Bipolar disorder or just resonate with the idea that Tomura does.

and I'm also very aware of Bipolar Disorder being stigmatized as something that affects "bad" people. I'm not trying to suggest this, but that Tomura is someone who is neglected of treatment.

Warning: Bipolar disorder as title suggests (Tomura's symptoms relate to type 1 more), talks of depression, mania, psychosis, suicidality, etc, angst?

Tomura has never been given a formal diagnosis and likely has no clue that he has bipolar disorder himself. He doesn't know much about it, either, other then the stereotype that people with general mood swings are "so bipolar."

The doctor knows, AFO does too, but for them, they see it as more ammo for their arsenal to make sure Tomura's life is nothing but agony. He's never been treated with medications or therapy. Nothing.

Because he isn't medicated, his episodes are pretty strong. His manic episodes sort of blend in with his everyday behavior to a lot of people.

It's during this time that he finds himself planning out grand operations against the heroes. Some of his ideas seem unrealistic and not well thought out. They're more just ideas thrown around, and he jumps to gather people and means to carry out his goal before actually having a calculated plan.

He's up all night doing this. But if he's not, he's likely gaming. He huddles up in his room with multiple cans of energy drinks (as if he didn't already have way too much energy).

(semi-canon) will text his comrades at godforsaken hours either asking, demanding, or just rambling about stuff. If he gets an answer, the recipient often finds themself confused because Tomura just talks and talks and talks, and when he's in the heat of some plan or project he doesn't really stop to compose his sentences or even take a damn breath.

He impulsively buys things, like copious amounts of in-game purchases. Or DoorDash. If he's feeling reeeaaal bold he'll go for a whole-ass gaming console if he can, even if his current one is perfectly fine. Or assembling as many thugs as he can and feeling generous enough to overpay them when they definitely don't need the amount of money he's giving them.

You can see how when AFO was arrested, his lifestyle shifted in this regard.

Tomura is already an irritable guy, and so his mania can make it worse. He gets very overstimulated with all of his sensations that little things, like accidentally stubbing his toe, can make him mad as fuck for a good thirty minutes.

He also gets very paranoid about others. When he talks to people, he's already convinced that they are tricking him somehow and he'll read every cue he can to confirm it, even if the proof isn't even there.

Even when he's out in public and by himself, he thinks everyone is mocking, judging, and looking at him. That also comes with being the most wanted villain around, but that's beside the point.

When something finally goes his way, he is HAPPY. Sometimes the League will catch Tomura smiling his face off for no apparent reason (odd for him), and will ask what's up, only for Tomura to CACKLE back with, "ehehAHAH NOTHING!! THAT's just IT!"

They look at each other like, but just let him go about his day. They'll later hear him giggling to himself in his room, and sometimes talking to himself. He'll deny and just tell them he was on chat (his devices are not open and he is standing in the middle of his room).

Because he's not medicated, his mania can trickle into psychotic symptoms. Especially if he's going through more stress than typical. He hears voices that tell him mean things. Sometimes they're the voices of his dead family.

And because he doesn't sleep much, he sees detailed shadows and things moving that aren't. It disturbs him, but he accepts it and tries to just push on. But sometimes if he hears voices more than he'd like, he gets sad and has to grip his head and whisper "shut up shut up shut up" to negate them.

He's delusional, too. AFO's grooming and constant monitoring of his whole life have definitely emphasized his distrust of everything around him. Sometimes he'll think that the people he's gaming with online are secret hero spies trying to get him to reveal himself. He also has a fear that someone is watching him in every location, and he'll think that even the silliest things are cameras or microphones, or that those around him are also spies. Later on, it becomes paranoia that his master is everywhere.

Then comes the doom of depression

For Tomura, he's technically always depressed. But when he goes into a depressive episode, he's pretty lifeless.

He's complacent about his goals. Sometimes he'll get a tiny idea that makes his brain go !, but then he thinks of all the planning behind it and immediately slouches down on any nearby furniture

He'll lay in bed for a long period of time doing nothing. Sometimes he'll try to play a game on his phone but he gets bored quick.

Tends to eat more during this time because it's the only joy he can get. And he gets bored. He is SO BORED

Anhedonia is a bitch

His brain dwells and rambles, yet his thoughts don't make sense to him? He's constantly thinking about how fucked up his life is, how better other villains are, and how much he hates All Might and heroes altogether. He tells himself that if it wasn't for all of that he wouldn't feel this way (relating to the depressive episode).

It overwhelms him and he tries to sleep it off, but he's somehow so depressed that he's UNCOMFORTABLE. His itching gets bad.

He is very suicidal during this time and hurts himself to try and subside it. If you asked him his reason for living, he'd tell you "to see this world crumble." But he's too busy crumbling in his bed.

Psychotic symptoms can occur during his depression, too. Especially if he hasn't slept.

His lack of medication usually causes him to swap back to mania somewhat soon (2 months or so). He definitely has rapid cycles.

Because his condition isn't managed, his brain is sort of in an in-an-out stance when it comes to his literal sanity. He has moments where he can definitely be level-headed (he gets rrly confident when he notices it) but when his anger and stress fuel him more than usual, he spirals and quite literally sees red. Sometimes he can't even tell if he's dreaming or not. Often mistakes the date and day of the week.

:(

I might write a fic of the reader comforting bipolar tomura. I don't think I've ever seen a fic like that for any character.

[nekropsii]

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These are all a bunch of smaller ones I thought would be too cumbersome and spammy to post on their own... Enjoy!!

Content Warning: Long.

While I do really like Dave's character as it exists in the comic- no clue what version of Dave most of the fandom is talking about, but I don't know him- I kind of like the themes in Davesprite's character more than I do Dave's. It's another Hal situation.

Dave's character tackled a lot of things very personally relatable to me in ways I'd never seen illustrated before, but Davesprite is more interesting to think about, and seems a little more fun to write. Dave was great representation for me, as someone who grew up in a very bad home, but Davesprite just has that extra oomph with his talk of humanity and individuality. Really like that guy.

---

@lupinecalibrator

This may come across as crass, or stepping out of my own lane, but I don't think giving them either multiple sets of pronouns, neopronouns, or both actually rids them of the bigotry in their characters. Lipstick on a pig situation. It just seems like a lazy, incurious fix. Yes, trans headcanons are great, but more and more often I see people use it as a cure-all to the issues a character has, either in a Doylist or Watsonian way. Queer friendliness does not eliminate racism. If a character is a bigoted caricature of a specific group of people, then slapping on a leftist layer of paint by saying "actually they're a minority icon in this other way" doesn't actually... Get rid of the problem. It's just kind of... Tone deaf.

We see this often with Transmisogynistic Caricatures getting claimed as Gay Icons, and people just saying that because they've just claimed them as a campy gay queen, the transmisogyny has been nullified- you can't talk about it anymore, they're the real good leftist in the room, you're a killjoy, and they've defeated bigotry. Not how it works.

---

Kind of tired of how some act like her only character traits are Silly Ditzy Furry Girl. Jade is an incredibly, incredibly intelligent young girl, an excellent marksman, and so, so deeply lonely. We need to talk about Jade's chronic loneliness more.

Also, I think she's some kind of Psychotic. One of the flavors. It just feels right to me. It feels canon-adjacent. Or, at least, a textually valid way to read her character. I have a whole post about it somewhere. Mituna and Jade shaking hands on the Psychosis.

---

Taking this opportunity to defend Aranea. Some people really need to stop acting like she's worse than Vriska. We all know what Aranea did was justified. Maybe not correct, but justified. And fucking awesome to watch.

Like, look. She spent an unfathomable amount of years being shot down and ignored and belittled by people who were supposed to be her friends... Aranea had to literally pay Meenah, her own best friend, to listen to her infodump, and even then Meenah couldn't afford to give her own best friend enough respect to just listen to her talk about something she's passionate about for 5 minutes.

I need you to think to yourself, genuinely. If you spent thousands- and I mean thousands upon thousands- of years getting ignored and walked on by everyone around you, even your own friends... If you spent thousands upon thousands of years getting called boring and a doormat to your face by even your own friends... Wouldn't you go crazy, too? Wouldn't you snap? Wouldn't you want to do something drastic just to get people to look at you? Just to be seen as something other than weak and boring? Just to be seen as worth even an iota of interest, a shred of someone's time? Wouldn't you? Because I think any normal person wouldn't take thousands upon thousands of years. I don't think you would last a decade. I wouldn't either, and I'm a pretty patient person.

Y'all are just jealous you can't play billiards with planets using your mind when you're mad. That shit was so awesome.

---

@searedtroutpeacharugula

This is not an Unpopular Opinion, or even an Opinion, I'm just pointing this out. Do you ever think about the fact that we hardly got any conversations between Rose and Jade? I do. This haunts me. This fucks me up so bad. We get plenty between John and Dave, and Dave and Jade, and Dave and Rose, and Rose and John, and Jade and John... But hardly anything between Rose and Jade!! This is so fucked up. We were robbed. I need to watch them hang out.

---

Okay, this is less of an Unpopular Opinion, and more of an Unpopular Fact, but... Mituna doesn't just throw slurs at people. That's one of the things people jump to when they're talking about Defanging Mituna- they always say something about how he "calls people slurs every two seconds". He literally doesn't. That is legitimately not a thing he does. If you heard that before and believed it, you were literally lied to. That is straight up demonstrably not true.

Like, if you're trying to think of something Mituna does every two seconds unprompted, it's either sex jokes or apologizing. Slurs aren't a thing he just slings around casually. He said a grand total of one slur... To Meenah... And it's a fake troll slur. And then we get it defined to us... Aaaand it's the troll equivalent to "Cracker". That's it. That's the crime he's committed- calling someone a word that is immediately after defined to us as "Someone who is at the top of and benefits from the furthering of the oppressive Fuchsia-Down power structure, and the Lowbloods that help enforce it." That's the slur he used. That's what made people start declaring that "he would totally say the N Word" with full and complete confidence. Absolutely ridiculous. He's called no one else any kind of genuine slur. He just called Meenah a Wader once, and then she and Kankri got upset about it, because they are both, by definition, Waders.

---

Leijon Hot Take Party Pack: If you think Nepeta shipping her friends together is fine, or even adorable, but then sneer at or get grossed out by Meulin doing the same thing, you're a hypocrite. I don't care if you say "Meulin's writing Friend Fic, though, that's weird!!" the problem with Shipping Your Friends and Writing Romantic Fanfiction Of Your Friends is at the same root.

The problem with these things isn't the presence of writing, it's the presence of, you know, shipping your friends? If you're fine with Nepeta doing it, you've gotta be fine with Meulin doing it. Be fine with both or neither. It's the same damn thing. I'm pretty sure both friend groups are fine with it, too, so it's not like this is a boundaries issue or anything. Both or neither. Pick one.

---

Observation: I do think it's cool how Jane and Jake are related and have similarly opposing relationships with their gender. Jake's oft presented with Feminine themes and imagery, and Jane with Masculine themes and imagery. Very cool. Wish more people made that correlation.

---

Okay, that's all for now!! Thank you for reading, if you did. Have a nice rest of your day. :)

[maltedghost]

The Omori Fanbase and Misunderstanding of Psychosis

This is going to be more ranty than anything else, so I apologize for that. I think it’s important that I also clarify this is coming from my personal opinion, and not everyone thinks the same.

I may as well mention, I have gone through psychosis for two years and have dealt with long term mental illness my entire life; it’s an uphill battle, and it’s something that never truly goes away. Medication is needed to properly maintain the symptoms of psychosis, and I want that to be kept in mind while reading this.

Here we go

For a game that emphasizes how mental health can take hold of and deteriorate the psyche, I’m surprised/somewhat disgusted by how a majority of the omori fanbase characterizes Basil as an obsessive yandere who is nothing but clingy and all smiles.

I also think it’s important to remember that DW Basil is what Sunny/Omori wants him to be, the same way Sunny/Omori creates the rest of his friends to be ‘perfect’ (which is why he keeps killing DW Basil when he steps out of line from that ‘perfect’ and ‘delicate’ persona).

That being said…

The fanbase is able to separate the DW and RW versions of the characters, but for some reason, this is not the case with Basil. Basil is treated as being exactly the same in RW like he is in DW; clingy, obsessive, and childish (when in reality he is fearing for his life and avoiding everyone like the plague—especially Sunny).

But why is that? My only guess can be is that this is another case of people misunderstanding symptoms of psychotic episodes.

When someone is going through psychosis, reality becomes distorted. You are unable to think or act correctly. Every day is waking up in fear, paranoid that something is going to come get you. It becomes difficult to distinguish what is real and what is not real. You don’t trust anyone, and you have the feeling of constantly being watched. Every day is a waking nightmare, and every night is a battle to fall asleep. It’s impossible to run away from your delusions, and they follow you everywhere you go like some festering parasite that only grows stronger over time.

Basil’s mind has clearly deteriorated throughout those four years. It only makes sense his paranoia and delusions became worse over time, eventually evolving into full psychosis; auditory, visual, tactile hallucinations… its made explicitly clear in-game that Basil suffers from all of these.

As represented by Basil’s SOMETHING, he is quite literally being eaten alive by his guilt and paranoia.

Now, as for anyone who has dealt with psychotic breaks, you’ll know that pushing away those thoughts only make them worse. Which brings me to my next point:

Basil is not obsessed with Sunny. He quite literally has no choice but to think about him. I truly believe he tried pushing away any reminders of his trauma, and I imagine during his first year alone, he tried giving up on the idea that Sunny would be there with him so they could have each other’s backs. He most likely tried moving on and living life as normally as he could.

But that’s not how PTSD works.

Basil’s trauma, no matter how hard he tried to push it away, haunted him every day—thus, Sunny haunted him every day. Every day, Basil’s paranoia had been reminding him of what happened, who was there, and what was promised.

This is what leads him into his psychosis, and his haunted perception of Sunny.

When Basil finally sees Sunny for the first time after four years, he’s not happy. He’s more-so nervous than anything else.

Sunny is a reminder of his trauma, and it’s made clear Basil isn’t ready to face him given he never wants to join your party.

(Displaying disoriented speech)

When he finds out that Sunny came out after all these years just to leave again (he didn’t even hear it from Sunny), of course that would trigger a psychotic response; thus, Basil retreats into the bathroom and manically repeats the phrase that’s gotten him through those four horrid, lonely years.

(Repetition of words/rumination)

While hallucinating as Sunny seemingly enters the bathroom to comfort him after all these years, he’s left alone again to be consumed by his paranoia. This goes on for the remainder of the game; Basil actively avoiding the party and staying inside, believing there is no hope left for him or Sunny.

(Foreshadowing suicidal thoughts)

And then his grandma passes.

Something interesting is that every interaction with RW Basil always leads to a fear response from Basil. Even if the incident from four years ago is never brought up, it’s obvious it’s constantly on his mind (again, psychosis consumes your every waking thought).

(he immediately becomes paranoid around Sunny, talking about Mari, unprompted).

And then there’s Basil’s meltdown.

(Hostility)

Some more symptoms of psychosis is sometimes having to deal with bouts of aggressiveness, word repetition, restlessness, and of course, frenzied/incoherent speaking.

When these meltdowns happen, it often reveals innermost thoughts and/problems, but in a more panicked sort of way. With that said…

I believe Basil’s dialogue in this scene reveals how he truly feels about Sunny.

Taking on the responsibility of hiding a horrid truth, all by himself, for four years—the guilt, paranoia, hallucinations getting worse and worse—and then finding out that the only other person who knows about this horrible sin is about to leave you again; but this time, forever. It’s cruel, and I don’t blame Basil for feeling some type of resentment towards Sunny.

(Part of me views Sunny losing his eye as punishment for his sins, but that’s just me).

Conclusion

I guess what I wanted to get across was that I’m sick of seeing people mischaracterize yet another psychotic character as nothing but a creepy yandere. I find it insulting to those who have gone through either short or long term psychosis (including me), and any of those who may still be dealing with psychotic breaks. I really want to see the fanbase do better, especially when this is a game that can be seen as mental health awareness.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t horribly saddened by OMORI’s neutral endings. Seeing Basil commit suicide and succumb to his psychosis is scary, and it’s something so many people dealing with mental illness fear every day. It’s a reminder of what could have happened to me had I not gotten the support and help I needed (meds, friends, family).

Afterthoughts

I don’t think Basil hates Sunny. Does that mean They should continue being friends? Well, maybe; exposure response therapy is usually helpful for dealing with things like this, and if Basil were to continue avoiding Sunny like the plague I believe it would only make his mental health worse (also of course Basil shouldn’t have stabbed out Sunny’s eye but my boy was hallucinating throw him a bone).

In reality, I think Basil just wants things to go back to the way they were, just like everyone else does. It’s very clear given the context of the game that Sunny and Basil have a special bond (“a red string of fate”).

If anything, I believe Sunny is more obsessed with Basil than Basil is with him, but that’s a different post for the future.

…and don’t even get me started on how Sunny told the truth then left Basil to pick up the scraps and deal with the aftermath of his friends.

…and no, I still have no idea what is up with Basil getting the idea to hang Mari.

[kandykawaii]

Dogday- Wide Awake AU (my interpretation) (drawings and descriptions below)

Dogday has been driven to the point of insanity, subject to the will of his savior, his "angel", who has promised freedom in exchange for parts to fix their creation, the prototype.

Of course, he's more than willing to follow through, even if the "parts" in his shrine offerings are stained with heavy crimson.

And if the other toys don't agree...he'll make sure they will. By force.

Number one rule: DO NOT BREATHE IN HIS RED SMOKE. What was originally meant to give kids a tiny serotonin boost has twisted into something a lot more sinister. The smoke's actual name is smiling gas but has since been given the nickname, mad gas.

Symptoms of mad gas may include: hallucinations, heart palpitations, dizziness, extreme psychosis, erratic behavior, and not being able to close your eyes.

Not even Dogday himself seems normal under the effects of the gas; just the mere sight of his altered form could be argued as the most terrifying side effect.

Angel has him wrapped around their finger...and around their chains. They always wanted a guard dog, after all. A spiked collar and chain leash couldn't be more fitting.

A dog never hunts without his pack, and the same goes for Dogday and the plush critters. In exchange for food and survival, the plush critters follow Dogday and help him serve his angel.

But it's a huge cost for Dogday, too.

He is hungry. So hungry. His bones cling to his cloth and flesh.

To prevent him from eating his own pack and ensure everything goes along with angel's plan, Dogday has a muzzle that he keeps on at all times.

Know that you're in trouble if he takes it off. That means he's chosen you as his prey.

Don't bother running. He and his pack are much faster. Just hide and hope he doesn't smell you.

His retractable teeth are sharp and can tear through anything. Be careful of his bite. It's much, much worse than his bark.

(Let me know if you wanna see more of this au! [I might make a one shot about this regardless, though.])

[dingle-dee]

Hey serious callout time

Never thought I'd make this kinds post tbh

I first have to say please do not witch hunt, harass any of these individuals nor my account, I am only looking to inform you about the situation at hand.

If you try to witch hunt, dox or harass me you will be blocked. I do not condone any if that shit.

First of all must say this callout is about the recent AU appearing in the Pizza Tower Fandom called Asylum tower.

The AU compromises of peppino in a straight jacket commonly used to detain violent, unpredictable or malicious intending mentally unstable people, which on record has been used last in 1956. Peppino has a unamed mental illness similar to schizophrenia, psychosis and delusionry (despite the creator claiming he has none/unspecified*)

* which causes confusion with the straight jacket since if he wasn't mentally unstable why would he need a straight jacket

As someone who has experienced/ has had family who've experienced psychosis, delusionry and schizophrenia this is highly disrespectful and glorifying the aspect of Asylums and mental illness.

The creator has been harassed for these reasons exactly *either in a constructive or harsh way* but has either deleted all claims or come back in a non professional manner.

One of their posts which has now of today been deleted from their account had an untasteful way of handling the situation along with a disrespectful PTSD joke at the bottom.

I find it highly suspicious that someone would delete this covering up their distasteful way of handling things. And not actually point out the AUs many many problems

1. The term asylum isn't used anymore and is often associated with torturous conditions, unhealthy ways of coping and treatment and is only used in serious films/serious TV series and is glorified by hollywood. The term used now is mental clinic or just hospital in general.

The way they treat patients now is much better but from personal experience than I share with others and my family is it still torturous and brutal and half the time you end up worse or , worse case scenario the end doing suicide. So using this theming must be treaded lightly.

2. Straight jackets are no common place anymore and are mostly used In Hollywood as a way of dramatization of a scene in general and is a very unethical way of treatment. Using it for simple means like psychosis, delusionry or schizophrenia is like killing a thief for taking an apple. Unethical and a ill stereotype. In general not a fun cute wholesome thing and shouldn't be bounced around.

3. White padded rooms are are the stuff of movies and really padded rooms are torturous and not a fun thing at all that is not funny in a comic light that they re trying to portray.

4. The handling of this situation on the creators part is fishy at best, as I said one of their explanation posts was unprofessional and made a half baked joke that is honestly offensive. It seems like they are really try to play up the victim card here. I understand the feeling of being harassed since I have been under that light as well, I understand the stress but these posts/way of handling things from all parties has been a mess.

The creator has stated that some traits that the pulled are meant to be funny but they simply don't line up.

Claiming that a character isn't crazy but your clearly making them crazy in a straight jacket doesn't look good and is honestly doing the opposite for you.

Honestly these feel like cover up lies as well as dismissing the criticism given.

There's is nothing comedic about this au in its current stage, and honestly it should stay that way. The AU is distasteful all round.

People are dancing around this and making fanart similar to the clover kit situation. Only no one is acknowledging the larger image and only think at base value.

I'm pulling myself away now and anyone involved in the Asylum AU/ fanart chain please do some research/ please pull yourself away as well. This is not a quirky thing and never will be. If you condone this I'm not gonna block you but i will raise an eyebrow.

[ladyylavenderrr]

Re: Garak and psychosis

Hi! I do a lot of thinking about Garak, and I also read a lot of psychotic traits on him! I think while they didn't write him thinking of textbook psychosis, a man who has lied so much he can't really tell truth from lie because, to him, "truth is in the eye of the beholder" has to have some level of separation from reality. This is a rather looooong analysis, mostly of events that happen in "The Wire",  but I promise I have a point lol. 

So. I've been thinking about his "lies" to Bashir about his past, and one thing that caught my attention was the hesitation at calling Elim "... my friend"; 

once we found out that he is Elim himself, some stuff from the infirmary monologue got very curious: "we grew up together", true; "we were closer than brothers", true, in a very literal way; "for some reason, Enabrin Tain took a liking to us" well, the reason is that he is his father, that's some reason; 

Now, I'll address his separation of Elim from Garak: I'd say that growing up keeping the secret about who his father was, living a double life from the beggining, then such a split of the ego is almost inevitable. 

Elim is the son, the one who knows the truth, the one who knows Cardassia's love of the family and the people is a lie told to keep powerful men powerful; Tain was the Order, the Order was Cardassia, thus Cardassia's symbol is a man who is a hypocrite, one who betrays his own family- And Garak is the spy. The citizen, the servant of the State. As Tain says himself, he never had to ask Garak to put the implant in his brain, or to do anything - he was so eager to please, and that's what made him special. 

He would keep the truth, one that would make his work unbearable, as something of Elim, while he would be plain and simple Garak, the muscle, the man who did the dirty work without asking any questions. The man to whom family and state, two things he was alienated from from birth, were everything, regardless of how much his work went against that.

Onto the next bit, now: in the end of his monologue, Garak tells a more complicated story to fit into this analogy- he says he faked records to incriminate Elim, only to find out in the end that Elim had beaten him to it; Elim had destroyed him, and before he knew what was going on, he was sentenced to exile; 

But once we know that he is Elim, and if we keep the same logic that Elim represents his inner sense of truth - of knowing he is being used in a very cruel way and that none of that makes any sense - then it's logical that he would sometimes be one step ahead, and sometimes be killed by Garak in the blindness of duty; sometimes watching in horror as he let himself be driven by hunger or fatigue instead of seeing his duty to the end, for he knew the consequences; 

Then, it would be Garak's inner sense of truth, of reality, what destroyed him as the soldier, the spy. Maybe he actually did let those bajorans go for any reason whatsoever, maybe he framed himself for it- I'd say he broke down, some way or another. And he says he deserves it for what he tried to do to Elim, his own screaming sense of reason; much like Marritza killed his past self to die as Darheel - it is the coward, who covered his ears because he couldn't stand to hear the screams for mercy of the Bajorans, who couldn't stand to look at the truth and do something about it, the one who deserves to be punished. 

He became a man who is distressed and anxious during an interrogation, willing to take any answer no matter how irrelevant, just so he doesn't have to keep torturing someone he's kind of friends with, like what happens with Odo later on. We didn't see him do any torturing before that, so maybe he wasnt capable of doing it like he used to before he was exiled, not as a consequence of it; Imo life on DS9 made it "worse" as he became, slowly, part of a community like never before. 

And then, there's Bashir. Again, Garak is a man who adores the state and the family, and has neither. A man who spent his life having no ties to anyone that he couldnt cut immediately, sometimes by killing the person if it was the most efficient way.

On his deathbed, after being really rude and hateful towards Bashir while Bashir lost sleep and thought of nothing but saving him for days, he comes up with this magnificent story, that ends with something that can be interpreted as "I deserve this. Not for betraying Cardassia, the State, but for betraying my best friend." And as he says "my best friend", he stares at Bashir. He then asks for forgiveness, as if he was also asking for Bashir to forgive him for his betrayal of their friendship, for the things he said. He needs to know that, if he can't forgive himself for the horrors, at least someone is capable of forgiving him.

Always full of layers to his half truths and truthful lies, even when he really thinks he's gonna die. He haf-believes it, as a half-truth, even the bits that are made-up; That's where I'd say his link to reality is broken. Idk if any of this makes sense, but this is how I read into it, as someone who has psychotic symptoms and traits, but also as a nerd who loves to nit-pick complex characters like him. 

Peace and long life 🖖

I think it’s always really interesting if Garak truly does believe some of the lies he tells, at least partially. I really like your analysis!!

[pasta-in-the-pudding]

oh my , oh my , oh my…

MTF!Jeff the killer x Reader 🙏🏻🙏🏻

-⭐

Summary: MTF (Male to Female) Jeff x Reader headcanons

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: Little mentions of transphobia and being confused about gender, the cover picture can be a little creepy if you have a thing about lots of limbs in one place, brief mention of psychosis and jeff kind of not having an understanding of it

A/n: MTF JEFF MY BELOVED. Also, I will be referring to Jeff with she/her pronouns throughout the entire work just to avoid confusion

Credits: Jeff the killer- Creepypasta, Divider- benkeibear, Picture- Pinterest

MTF!Jeff the killer x Reader

As im sure we can all guess, Jeff didn't have the best support system growing up

The kids barely had their basic survival needs met, let alone had the freedom to question things like gender and sexuality

But after living with Slender for most of her life, jeff gets the chance to explore who she is as a person for the first time

She had been feeling dysphoria her entire life with her body, but she just considered it to be another symptom of whatever caused her psychotic break during the 'incident'

She never even considered the possibility that she might be trans until seeing others describe their experiences

It is only then that she realized a lot of what she was experiencing wasn't psychosis, but was instead gender dysphoria

And the realization kind of makes things worse

She's already in a relationship with you, and what if you leave her because you wanted a man? Not to mention what her friends might think, and what if no one takes her seriously? What if she gets made fun of?

All of these emotions swell up in her, and she refuses to talk to anyone about it

Until eventually she's just in a rage, punching walls and yelling at people, even beating anyone who gets too close up

She eventually storms off to her room and you give her a second to just chill out

After a while, you go up there too

She is laid down on her bed, seemingly trying to sleep

You sit next to her, careful not to touch her (She hates being touched when she's angry) "What was all that about?" you ask in a worried tone

She doesn't respond, she'd honestly rather die than tell you what's been going on

You sit in silence for a second before talking again "You know you can tell me anything. I promise it won't make me love you any less"

She still doesn't say anything, which leads to you sighing and leaving the room

A few days later you two had gotten wrapped up in a conversation about trans people and your opinions on the subject

"Would you ever date a trans person?" She asks

You place a finger on your chin, thinking for a moment before saying "I like to think I'd be open to it. Why, are you trans?" You add that last part as a joke, but quickly begin to question whether it was a joke

Her breath hitches and she quickly looks away from you, not sharing the laugh that you do

You quiet down and it is silent for a while, no one dares to speak

"....Jeff, a-are you trans?"

"I don't wanna talk about it" She says, quickly standing up and leaving the room

You try to get up and chase after her, but by the time you look into the hallway, she's gone

Being together after that is very awkward, and you see that she obviously doesn't want to talk much on it so you decide to keep your questions short and sweet

"Does anyone else know?" You ask, both of you not looking at each other

"No, and I don't want them to." She responds

"Do you have another name you want me to call you?"

"....Jeff is fine."

You smile and finally look at her "Ok" you press a quick kiss to her cheek before rambling about your day, quickly making both of you forget all about the previous topic

She is very shy when it comes to actually coming out, and she obviously doesn't change much, so you decide to just take things slow

Idk if she'd ever want to medically transition, because despite hating her body she also has those moments where she's like "I'm literally god no one else could ever look this good"

And as for the name, she doesn't really see a reason to change it, she likes being called Jeff

[schizononagesimus]

As a person who’s violent during psychosis, could you explain what your ideal help would look like? Since involuntary commitment and forced medication are recognized to be abusive methods of “treatment” I was curious if you have any experience with alternatives?

Long answer:

I've had a few instances with good responses to my psychosis. Once, my psychiatrist lied to me so I'd finally take a pill instead of thinking it was poison; I'd been complaining about being irritable and she told me it would help. I trusted her as I'd had a good relationship with her for four years and wouldn't take medication. Once I was stable (literally within hours) and called to tell her I didn't realize you weren't supposed to see monsters everywhere and think there was someone trying to kill you and have multiple people living in your head and controlling your actions, she told me she lied because she realized I was in a psychotic episode that had been building for a long time. I wouldn't consider it forced medication personally, because the truly forced medication I've had has been being carried bodily by four nurses, held down, stripped, and given a shot in my ass while I screamed. So even though it was perhaps coercive, that is the best treatment I've had was that lie and I'm infinitely thankful for it. In terms of friends and family helping? I refuse to tell my family what's wrong because they'll use it against me. My friends know, but I become terrified of them and isolate. I'm getting better with that, though, and reached out to a friend a month or so ago, and he took me out for food to distact and care for my body, literally held my hand through it, and ignored my ramblings. He didn't feed into it, which was the most important part; I'd say my ideal scenario is someone acknowledging that I'm in pain and distracting me from what's happening. For prevention of worse episodes, my roommate also protects me by holding onto pills I might use, but by my request. They also make sure to trust me- they don't take all the sharp objects away, for example. The fact that they trust me makes me fight the delusions because I'd never betray their trust or ruin their day (at a minimum) by doing something like killing myself or someone else. Furthermore, no one acts shocked or scared of me. People ask for my consent for gentle touch and advise me on how to self soothe. Importantly, my friends do NOT promise to not send me to the hospital, despite my begging. They promise to get me help, regardless of what that help looks like if things get really bad. And in that, I trust them that they won't let anything bad happen to me.

TL;DR: CONSENT AND TRUST. It's so basic, but psychotics aren't offered this generally. Whatever helps you, develop a plan with your loved ones before you have an episode and let them know of what might happen to you, and tell them what might help. It may be different for you than what helps me, but consent and trust are the two biggest things that help any of us. We are people, and we deserve the same consent and trust as anyone else.

[thatbrightblueshine]

hey guys! going to vent a little, so there's trigger warnings of all sorts under the cut! (ed, mental health, etc)

i don't do this for attention or anything btw and i'm not pity fishing. just venting! can't really do it with anyone or anywhere else.

🪄

okay so as some may know, these past 12 months have been ... rough. there hasn't been much i've had left to hold onto after my mother's passing last october, even when her death after her long term sickness that had me be her 24/7 care taker for the last 6 months was for the best unfortunately.

and about six months ago it got extra bad. not sure why, can't figure it out either. then i had a bit of a better time (or maybe five good days tops over the summer which is MASSIVE for me!) but recently i've hit complete and total rock bottom. and by that i mean that despite everything, from trauma that to abuse to more i've been going through since i was 14, i've never been doing worse. darkest and deepest depths of hell sort of stuff.

i'm diagnosed bipolar and manic depressive with a psychosis that no one really seems able to understand so therefore it's hard to treat, plus i have a restrictive eating disorder for which i've been in and out of recovery for a decade now. yeah. and all sorts of trauma and as it stands, no living family left plus my only real life friend moved away recently. my internet best friend only really cares about me anymore when no one else is around. so i'm basically all alone and by alone, i mean ALONE. so there's that.

but i always kept on pushing, not sure why. suicidal thoughts have been more frequent again lately but still. i always keep pushing, i always like to say that's because of all the anger and rage within me because other than depression, there's not much more left of me. everything that i once was before it got really bad about a year ago has just vanished and nowadays i'm nothing but an empty vessel really.

i've also lost the element of me that always kept me going, which was writing, i can't do it anymore. my brain is finally too tired for that. so it's not been easy. i'm also broke lol. i'm just sitting here. so i wanted to ask you guys for advice!

what are your coping mechanisms? like what is it that you like to do to pass time? because whatever used to help me no longer cuts it.

[millenniumfae]

Dragon Age Demons vs Real-Life 'Inner Demons'

Way back in the summer of 2015, my symptoms got so unbearable I was bedridden. 20 years old and experiencing psychosis, quasi-hallucinations, and actual, unending panic for the first time. It marked the start of a condition that has never stopped since.

My aunt (and other relatives) helped me develop proper mindfulness skills based off of our homeland's folk Buddhism - the 'second arrow'. The meaningless of forgiveness. Devaluing control. And something that struck me as a new Dragon Age fan … 'Possession'.

Well, when translated to english, you'll find texts using the word 'insight' rather than 'possession'. But that's the word my mom translated from off the top of her head, and it immediately resonated with me.

"Imagine your panic as an inner creature. Something that is also you, but is acting independently. Treat your panic with kindness and mentorship, not antagonism. The more you struggle in the spider's web, the worse things get. But if you nourish what's hurting in you, let them tantrum, then come back in to nurture."

Up until the 2010s, the most acclaimed mental health books you could buy written in the english language would most certainly be christianity-influenced. Maybe not overtly, (but you'd be surprised how many have a chapter about "insert-book-topic-here and Christ") but there's little hints like how the reader must have left home at 18 to avoid mooching off their parents, or how to 'turn guilt into something productive' (???), the use of the word 'gamble' as a bad word, etc. But these books tend to include a chapter that would be some weird bullshit like "The Dark Souls Of Respawning?? What Daoism Says About Immortality" and take a brief moment to talk about the radical, never-before-heard-of methods from across the pacific that Will Turn Your World Upside Down.

Behavior therapists (of the 1950s) were aware insights about the origins of the problem usually weren't helpful. Exposure to the thing the patient feared was often curative. -When Panic Attacks by David D. Burns MD, Chapter 18, "Taking a page from the Tibetan Book of the Dead"

Now, it's no secret that the Dragon Age serial is very. Um. Christian. Catholic, specifically. Faith is written to be an unequivocally redeeming trait. Attempts at inventing fake elf/qunari/Tevinter 'religions' still have them be belief-based, colonialist, and conversion-heavy, while also at the same time implying that the 'Maker' of Chantry faith is the single actual true god.

So it's no surprise that the demons and spirits of DA are very seven-deadly-sins. Party banter and side-quests do point out the euro/christian-centricity of this demon categorization (Merrill, Solas), but that doesn't mean shit if, in overall story and gameplay proper, Pride is the most powerful demon while Faith is virtue at all.

So here I am, lying in bed and only capable of just riding the waves of panic day after torturous day. You bet I'm gonna try to geek-erize my symptoms. If people do it with Jesus, then I can do it with Dragon Age.

Enter Vigilance the Spirit. I was an at-risk young Rivani mage, so their Magic Welfare Government helped me join their クサビ-依り代 program and matched me with a spirit to induce possession. Can't boil two skulls in one pot, so to speak. I could have chosen to do their hemispherectomy program (I am made Tranquil but carry around a piece of the Fade like a pacemaker that keeps me perfectly lucid, only turning off when I sleep), but that comes with its own risks.

But it doesn't take much for a spirit of Vigilance to do a 180 and become Panic. They're still Vigilance, and I am still me, but the taste in the mouth is different. Our life will need to adapt.

I will not kick myself for 'failing' my friend. Vigilance has turned to Panic, yes. But they have always been one. Now, so are me and Panic. Such is the nature of spirits.

If I am kind to my spirit, then I am kind to myself. It's what we both deserve.

[riverthylacine]

I’ve been sober for 3 weeks, I plan to keep it that way, I didn’t believe it could be addictive and science says it isn’t, but if you have a long family history of addiction and have a predisposition to addictive behavior it CAN be, my cognitive abilities are worse, and I don’t remember most of my life prior to early 2019, I have a tendency to forget words and words that would relate to it, when I talk I seem to slur my words more than I was told and seen I would when I was younger, AND I was in psychosis all of 2021 and half of 2022 and almost all of 2023 because of my daily use, and.. the fact that my dad enabled it makes me feel weird, I don’t know how to feel about him, in a way we are the same but everything about us is completely different.

I know I’m going to get a lot of hate for this but, DONT FUCKING DO THC WHEN YOUR A FUCKING TEEN! It’ll fuck you up your cognitive abilities and it will never be the same! For Fucks sake, DONT DO IT! I know you think it’s cool and fun, but when you use EVERY FUCKING DAY FOR ALMOST 4 YEARS and have been using since you were FUCKING 16 YEARS OLD it’ll fuck you up more than ever

I am 20 now, and my younger brother is really into punk like me (different punks but still) he has learned about Straight Edge and has sworn off ever doing any substance (besides caffiene unless it’s over used) and he has made me change my ways, and I’m fucking pissed that the kids at his school think he is a bummer to be around when they start talking about drugs and using drugs, which by the fucking way THEY SHOULDNT EVEN BE TALKING ABOUT IT, and I’m pissed that my parents let me use and PROVIDED ME with it,

Fuck enablers fuck drugs fuck it all.

[galaxythreads]

To be honest, I don't know. If you'd asked me a few years ago I would have honestly said no and been kind of offended anyone could hold Loki accountable for anything. But the thing is - now, after a lot of therapy, I don't think that mental illness or distress is an excuse for hurting people unless it is a genuine psychosis. If I was Loki's lawyer, which I'm not, I would say he was experiencing temporary insanity (a type of psychosis sort of) at the end of Thor 1.

But here's the thing, even if Loki wasn't really aware that what he was doing was wrong - did he still hurt the people around him? Yes. He did. Thor will carry lifelong mental scars from that fight. So to me, it's a gray area. Loki may not have understood what he was doing was wrong per se, but Thor was still hurt anyway. And this is not, in any way, a trade-off. Thor has hurt Loki in the movie, so Loki gets one free pass for all that he did to Thor? No. Not how this works. You don't get to hurt someone just because they hurt you. Like that works in fiction as motivation because it's fiction. Thor was hurt, and Loki was hurt. Their relationship is a mess and that was the point of the movie. They both hurt each other.

In the Avengers, Loki's official, MCU given body count may be 80-160ish people, but what about injuries? Mental trauma in the aftermath? Grieving loved ones? That's a minimum of 1000+ people affected.

And here's a not-so-secret secret: I don't think Loki was mind controlled in A1. I don't.

I know MCU has said Loki was being influenced by the scepter, but what does that even mean? They've never explained and Loki doesn't behave the same way that Clint or co did when they were mind-controlled. The scepter clearly has WEIRD effects on people, but what that means for Loki is ?????? They've never explained that further than a couple of sentences and before I accept this as being like canon-canon, I have to know what that means.

I will happily die on the hill that he was tortured by Thanos -- you will pull that from my dead, rotting fingers -- and that is a type of coercion that would absolve a lot of guilt, but I do and don't think Loki bares some responsibility for the invasion. I don't know. It's a gray area. I like the idea that Loki was tortured and then he agreed to attack New York to escape it. Mostly because I'm not afraid to wrap characters in darkness. I think Loki is allowed to have done something awful to escape something equally awful. Gray area. I'm not afraid to poke at the gray area.

But the thing is? Even if Loki 100% absolutely bares blame for Thor 1 and Avengers 1, canon matters very little to me in MCU anymore. They haven't given me anything I was happy to accept into my personal canon since Infinity War. I write fics with whatever now. I characterize Loki off of OG Loki and will continue to do so until I die, sometimes I put in that he was mind-controlled, more often than not I don't. I write Loki as a good person who did an awful thing to escape a worse thing that defines the rest of their existence but they're still trying to be a good person anyway. When I engage with Thor 1, I write Loki as having gone through a massive psychosis, but still having hurt Thor. I write Thor and Loki's relationship as both of them having hurt the other but still willing to burn down worlds for each other. Y'know, just a tad (lot) unhealthy. (But in a fun way because this is fiction and no one is hurt by it). Like my version of canon is slightly detached from canon and I know that, but like? I don't care. No one cares? Do you know the amount of comments I've gotten about a character being ooc in the last 1-2 years in MCU?

0.

Because what even is canon at this point? I could write Loki as literally anything and there would be a canon justification for it because Loki's canon characterization is such a mess now that there's no "correct" version of him anymore.

Like guys -- I write about Hela being a good sister. Do you think canon backs that? Absolutely not. Do I care? No?????? no I don't. She, Thor, and Loki are the best siblings in my heart and I will continue to write about that despite what canon says.

Once I let go of the idea that every character I like is secretly a 100% moral human being who is free of any guilt or terrible things, it relieved a lot of guilt and expectations I have for the characters. One of my main characters in my original book series has a body count in the actual millions and I absolutely adore them, okay? Because it's fiction. No one is hurt by me liking this character. I'm not going to start advocating for death. I've liked Loki since I was 15, and I didn't grow up to be a murderer. Honestly, now I kind of prefer the little bit of darkness because redemption stories are just my Thing TM. I love, love taking the dark or dark-adjacent characters and then dragging them into a found family against their will.

So I don't need Loki to be free of all guilt in order to like him. But I'm also happy to explore the idea that he is because it's fun either way. Darkness or less darkness, he's still just Loki.

(That's why I'm having fun with the Loki season 2. Because to me it's like a fic that took one interpretation of what happened and rolled with it. Because canon is whatever at this point. Loki in the series did attack New York by choice. Does that strictly agree with canon of A1? No. Absolutely not. They're ignoring so much, but the series isn't about that event specifically even as much as I wish it WAS, it's about Loki's relationship with the other characters. Idk. It's complicated.)

Fics are often a love letter to canon, an exploration/extension of what canon is, but other times they're someone looking at canon and going "WHY." and then rewriting it. I'm in the latter part now. I used to be the former, but MCU is just. MCU now. So I kind of looked at Loki and Thor, took a cookie cutter to both of them and then left with that. There's still other dough, but I don't care about it.

So yes I hold him accountable. And no. And kind of both?

[dropintomanga]

My Mother Saved Me

I got to spend some time with my mother yesterday for an early Mother's Day celebration in New York City. Before then, I was in deep thought about something that happened to me about 23 years ago. It's something I haven't really talked about and it involved my mom to a huge degree.

I was once hospitalized because of my mental health issues and if it weren't for my mom, I think my life would not be where it is right now for the better.

When I first got my diagnosis of clinical depression at the age of 17-18, I leaned into a bit too hard. Or more like I wanted to not do anything at all. One time at the first university I went to, I talked to a counselor and told them I heard voices. I mention this right now because now that I think about it, I don't think I was really hearing them. I think it was just thoughts instead of voices.

But I leaned into the "hearing voices" motif a bit too hard. In 2001, a year after my diagnosis, I tried switching colleges and still felt out of it. I felt so depressed that I decided to get voluntarily hospitalized. I don't know why I did it, but I was so worried I would kill myself. So off I went into a hospital. There I was surrounded by people much worse than me mentally. It also led to a pseudo-revelation - I don't think I really had it that bad because I was actually optimistic during my time. I eventually was discharged after about a week as my mom fought to get me out with determination.

I thanked my mom yesterday for what she did in 2001. But the story didn't end there. I found out that my mom fought hard because she personally saw what the hospital unit I was staying with was like. She saw the number of people with SMI (serious mental illness) and felt that I really shouldn't be there. My mom told me she was horrified. She even told me that the doctors above were saying I was writing stuff that I wanted to kill/hurt others when that wasn't true. My mom never believed what they said. She was worried that doctors would drug me and force me into bad treatment solutions. She said she signed a release form saying she would take full responsibility for me if things went south (spoiler alert: they didn't, even though I did have a close call).

As some of you who follow this blog know, I've been more critical about what constitutes as mental health care. I've been listening to perspectives from people with mental health conditions who get hospitalized and end up worse after. People who are supposed to help didn't/couldn't do their jobs. We got a hotline number, great. But a lot of people don't know the full truth about how broken the mental health system really is behind closed doors.

And I think about the statement "It's okay to not be okay." I dislike that statement because if that were the case, then we wouldn't be throwing a lot of the mentally ill into jails, prisons, and/or the streets. Certain mental issues (bipolar disorder/schizophrenia/psychosis/etc.) sadly are ignored.

I could have been one of those people if it weren't for my mom. I know I stressed her a lot and feel like I haven't done enough. But she has seen how much I've grown mentally over the last few years. I strongly have been questioning my own response to my circumstances decades ago as a mental illness. I don't want to pretend that ignoring trauma/vulnerability/dependency is going to make me stronger. My mom has noticed this.

I have a lot of empathy and good amount of compassion from my experiences, but I believe some of it came from my mother. I noticed how many friends she has and how she's helped various people over the years.

I know some of you have all kinds of thoughts about Mother's Day, but for me, I'm lucky to have the mother that I have. Someone who allowed me to be myself, stuck with me through my bullshit, and saved a naive version of me who didn't know that they needed to be saved.

I hope you all have someone like that in your life because even as we get older and wiser (I'll use recent events of My Hero Academia as an example), we're still all children deep inside who need maternal love of some kind to truly make us flourish. Mothers are the real heroes we truly need.