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#no abusive relatives allowed
cookinguptales · 8 months
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as much as I wish it were otherwise, I feel like the way I would die in a horror movie is absolutely going to some out-of-the-way location to learn about a local religious custom and getting sacrificed or something.
like on one hand, I am always scrupulously respectful of the belief systems I'm studying, including accepting that some knowledge is not meant for me and that's okay, but on the other hand, I have been known to do some truly stupid bullshit to learn about something esoteric that's on public display. lmao
#just me#plus honestly since getting out of evangelical christianity as a teen#I find that I don't really believe or disbelieve anything anymore#(except I guess for the religion I was raised in which I have very much distanced myself from)#I respect some religious institutions and practices more than others for sure#and I'm mindful of politics and abuse in religious sects#but when people hear I did rels in college they often ask#'so which religion is right?'#and I don't know that I can conceptualize it that way anymore#I was raised in a religious environment that didn't allow me to respect or learn about other religions and I hated it#I was so closed before that I feel like I've rebelled against that by being very open now#so everything feels equally plausible and implausible to me now#I don't know that I can fully believe OR disbelieve in anything anymore#maybe that part of me is broken#the part that can trust and have faith#even the part of me that can be sure that something ISN'T real#I don't know#but like... many religious folks and places are just happy to teach anyone who's open to their beliefs and practices#you don't have to be a true believer#they just want to share their religion with you in any way you'll take it#but sometimes you DO have to be a true believer#and those are the situations in which I feel deeply uncomfortable and try to avoid#but maybe I'll end up getting killed by some religious group that kills outsiders who don't fully believe in things lmao#dying as I lived: being a nosy bitch#cw:#religion
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cacaitos · 7 months
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see for the thing ive observed abt the way the female-to-male predation types of portrayals happen to go, that imo for some reason use like extra stablished power dynamics to like. *justify themselves happening in the first place (like ex mothers that are yk. v straighforward menaces in a kid/teen's inmediacy), is that i will give fujimoto the acknowledgement of partially avoiding doing so by virtue of him not having much respect or shame for himself and his story analogues.
#txt#*like whay im trying to say is that i get the feeling that they use like very heightened imbalances more from the getgo to like pose them#as a threat to start as baseline ygwim?#say to continue w the mother bit. too I feel they allow the male character like if just one iota of decency#a certain jenesaisquoi subconscious safeguard that the agressor can be toppled ultimately. that it has a weakness.#like a very subtle security that they can 'be put in their place'#and to be clear im not saying that writing abt abuse has to be an exercise of cruelty or self flagellation#and self debasement regardless of it being lived or not that's not what I'm getting at.#in this mother case ive said before that they tend to make them also mentally ill but lowkey in that#Woman Illness way like yk they're throwing bpd and shit there w/o a fault. like yeah they're abusive but#how come we still get this like freudian-pseudoscience-misogynyesque portrayal like who#does this even benefit (for another post bc I think I left some things out last time).#like this powerful figure over the most weakest stages of a person that's somehow both irremediably#abusive but also by [debilitating female trait weakness here] is pitiable (ie overcome-able. send her ass#to a psychiatric).#like i hope im conveying what I'm trying to say here.#like not all stories abt abuse have to be so graphic in fact some that do can't even carry that#load you're not good or throughout enough for that you don't have that range srry 💀#and the fujimoto part like while yes [rant here abt femcharacter sexualization relative to mcharacs here]#yes makima is already denji's boss/adult(the power dynamic justification part). it's not like denji#is getting femchara of brsrkTM treatments re: assault n grooming (decency part) (not complaining)#again not everything has to be an exercise of self humiliation etc.#but if the puke kiss said at least one thing it was compromise to the portrayal 💀#that and makima just being a internally straightforward offender (not bc it makes things simpler it's that#avoids the hashtag girlabuserTM thing). like nah the way out is through on this one sorry :/#he didn't have to do that but if fujimoto's own personal shortage of self respect nourishes the art well then 💀💀
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slippery-minghus · 2 years
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that comic about the monster lady not being monster enough for the support group got me thinking, and i think i have the answer to my shrink's homework for me this week. after i was sick last week, we spent the sesh talking about my pathological independence (my term not theirs) and how not only do i never ask for help, i don't know what help i would need.
we managed to narrow it down to pinpoint the conditions i would ask for help in, and what i would ask, and basically i would have to be at a breaking point combined with not knowing what to do. the only kind of help i would ask for is to be taught how to cope on my own/solve the issue on my own. to be given the tools, not have someone else do the work. i never want people to solve my problems (or even offer me comfort while i solve them myself)
which actually leads me to something i didn't expect. i often see a lot of my reactions to my mother in my neuroses/traumas like this, but i think the icing on this one is actually from my dad. my dad, who never taught me how to do anything, and would berate me for not being able to do it on my own. it sounds so obvious now, but i'm not surprised it didn't click. i understand now why the memory of getting my first bank card has been rattling around in my head this week. because it was such a blunt example of him refusing to teach me, to give me the tools to figure things out on my own, then humiliating me (literally in public) for not understanding. i remember nearly crying in that bank. because no one would explain to me how atm cards worked—not that i would have been in any sort of position to learn prior to that— and therefore i couldn't be trusted to be mature enough to handle the responsibility. i had to beg him to let me have that much.
and then i think to the start of the pandemic, when i was 26 not 17, and how he took the reins from the back seat to control getting me enrolled in unemployment payments. he guilted me for not being able to do it on my own, saying how he wouldn't always be there to do these things for me. i didn't have the guts to stand up to him, but i know i spent a lot of time talking to my therapist about how all he really needed to do was teach me.
i'm sure a lot of my independence comes from my mom. her paradoxically neglectful helicoptering created the perfect storm for that. nothing could be done on my own, and i could never be trusted to be able to learn (because i was so delicate and infantile), but i was also always left alone in my most vulnerable moments. and then dad would come home and blame me for scraping by alone instead of innately knowing how to thrive.
my parents wanted a child they only had to parent and raise when it was convenient, when it made them feel good, when it made other people like them. the rest of the time it was up to me to maintain the image. the rest of the time it was up to me to figure things out on my own. that i did a damn good job raising myself goes without saying, but it's left me not knowing how not to know what to do. and i don't know how to ask for help about that.
#the bit about signing up for unemployment too pings that very delicate spot about my dad being relatively well off#but using every cent to abuse#i know these days it's kinda shameful to have been raised middle class so it's hard to talk about but financial abuse is my dad's favorite#it's why he sent me a $150 gift card for xmas like it was nothing#because if he never allowed me to learn actual independence he could keep me financially dependent#and afford to do so at that#and thinking about how with my mom it was impossible for her to not see me as an overgrown infant#she would cut meat for me until i was like 12. and every steak fry was cut in half so i wouldn't choke like i did when i was 3#i couldn't choose my own clothes for the day until i was 12#and i fought tooth and nail to prove i knew how to take care of myself#i took pride in being 10 and knowing how to run a house (cook clean laundry etc)#my trademark reason for disliking things was that 'it was for babies'#yet when i wasn't being overprotected i was just... alone#i wasn't allowed outside so i sat and played videogames#i wasn't allowed to go places with friends so i sat alone at home#always always alone. unsupervised but always with the helicopter right around the corner ready to keep me in line#and then on the rare occasion i spent time with my dad he would guilt me for things my mom would make me do#mom wouldn't let me go on a walk without a water bottle and inhaler and dad would humiliate me for taking them#there was no way to win#abuse#personal#*sigh* i'm so glad i got out. so glad that shit is over and only in my nightmares#(and hoo boy is it in my nightmares)
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fruitysoupy · 7 months
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I could have my dear Benji trained as my ptsd assistance dog, but that'd cost upwards of 25.000€ and I can't afford that
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Touya realizing he always had part of his mom's quirk, but it happening at the expense of abusing his body and soul so bad it almost killed him.
Tenko realizing his quirk was not even his own and he could have undone what he did by accident to his family if he had been given the chance, but all the misery in his life was manipulated to be there.
Touya and Tenko insisting that they could be the best heroes around if allowed to be— but either their relative gave up or they were held back by a hidden evil power.
Touya and Tenko accepting their identities as beings who can only destroy and getting new names to represent that belief.
The change of hair color. The self-destructive tendencies and self-mutilations. The tears they couldn't cry.
The way Touya and Tenko tried to explain to their families how they felt, but it didn't work. Later, both of them came to resent their siblings for not being able to save them while still missing them and wishing for their company.
Both kids being aware of how cowardly their families were. Their fathers hated them and no other kid would get it, so why tell them?
Only Tenko and Touya would know what each other went through.
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darkredmage · 2 years
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Being abused is really just feeling isolated seeing or reading posts that assumes certain stuff is a universal experience. Don't get me wrong I'm not mad at people being happy but a lot of these posts implies that Everyone experiences them, especially stuff that only rich people can own
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prismatic-bell · 11 months
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HEY EVERYONE
Do you enjoy the idea of Sticking It To The Man, but also you’re fucking tired? Maybe you appreciate the idea of direct action of some kind but ADHD, depression, or physical disability has made it nigh-on impossible for you to actually, you know, do shit?
Well, friends, allow me to introduce you to a small but significant thing you can do to Stick It To The Man while also benefiting your own mental health:
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I haven’t bought green onions in a year.
If you’re sitting here thinking “holy shit, Nina, those look like hell,” you’re not wrong—they’re recovering from some unintended abuse. They survived two weeks in triple digits (that’s upward of 35 degrees for y’all with the weird sciencey math units) while I, uh. Forgot to water them. The outer layers dried out to protect the inner layers and as soon as I watered these thirsty bitches they went
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They literally looked dead three weeks ago. So yeah, they’re not too pretty right now, but you wouldn’t be either, and they’re bouncing back nicely.
So, how to do this simple thing?
1) obtain dirt and a pot. You’ll want to do this first because the next steps go surprisingly fast. My green onions live in a 6” terracotta pot and some gardening topsoil, but you can use potting mix (not Miracle Gro tho, that stuff is trash), dirt from outside if you live in a place where it’s safe to do so, any kind of soil will do provided it’s clean and doesn’t contain pests (although most pests will leave alliums alone because they hate the smell). To be clear, because we love and respect our biosphere in this house, “pests” in this context means “bugs that specifically will attack green onions while providing no benefit to either the onions or any other plants you may have.” The pot is mandatory, however—if you want to do this year-round, you need to be able to move the onions inside/outside as weather allows/demands.
2) buy some green onions. You can skip straight to step 4 from here if you want, but if you’re planning to use them first…
3) cut them only to the tops of the white bits. In other words you ONLY want to use the green part.
4) put the white bits in a ramekin, measuring cup, etc. with some water. I’ve used things as big as juice glasses for this, but that’s really on the big end. Put your container in a window with some sun.
5) 3-5 days later, you should see about half an inch of root growth on the bottoms of your onions, and possibly the beginnings of a tiny green spear at the top. (Maybe a bit more, if they’re overachievers.) Plant them in your pot with just a bit of the white sticking up overtop of the soil.
6) water just a little bit, every other day. You want the soil to always be moist to the touch, but never out and out wet.
7) watch them sprout. This is excellent for your mood, by the way. Science says having and tending green things provides visible benefits to both your physical and mental health. We also know that making tangible things is good for your mental health, and green onions grow quickly, so you get benefits fast.
8) As they grow, you can reduce watering to three times per week because they’ll be able to store more water. The leaves will feel firm and “thick” (you’ll understand what I mean when you get to feel a properly-watered green onion) when they have enough water, much like a succulent’s leaves will get thicker and firmer when it’s well-hydrated, so it’s relatively easy to tell if they need a drink.
9) trim your onions as you need them! I try to never take more than 3-4 leaves in a week—about half a bunch—so it has time to grow more, but if you live with a bunch of people you can get around this by just starting more green onions. Buy three or four bunches and plant them all. They don’t go bad because they literally just grow until you need them. I’ve actually planned meals around “I have not used enough green onions lately and the leaves are bending under their own weight, I need to trim some tops.” Although the ones you see in the grocery store have open tops, you’ll notice closed spears on your new leaves, and these are completely edible. Yes, I regret to tell you they cut off and probably waste the tapered bits just for The Aesthetic. They’re just like any other green part of the onion.
AND YOU WILL NEVER NEED TO BUY GREEN ONIONS AGAIN. Just add a little soil now and again to replenish the nutrients.
Yes, they’re cheap. Yes, this is a small thing. But many small things added together are a big thing. And when you’re confident in your green onions, if you have the desire and ability to do more, there are many other plants you can grow from grocery-store starters.
GO FORTH. ENJOY THIS KNOWLEDGE.
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I GOT A NEW CAR
Everybody meet the new baby that i will never shut up about forever!
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This is Clifford the Third, my new 1996 Nissan Pickup!! I probably paid too much for her but given that I live in Massachusetts and she has virtually no rust I’m okay with that lol.
So a brief history of the Nissan Pickup! These trucks were released in the US in 1985 and were sold through 1997, when they were replaced with the Frontier. They were the successor to the beloved Datsun 720, which had been in production since 1979. They are in fact just called the Pickup! They’re colloquially known as the D21 - their chassis code, and the Hardbody, because of the double walled durable construction of the trucks’ bed.
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The D21 was available with a couple different engines and drivetrain layouts. Mine is a 4x4 with the KA24 motor (which it shared with the 240SX/Silvia). She’s also a King Cab, meaning she has a slightly elongated wheelbase to allow for two small inwards facing jump seats in the back of the cab. Still a two door though.
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AND SHE’S A STICK! She has a 5-speed manual transmission, and it’s the best transmission i’ve ever personally had in a car. She’s my third manual, the other two being a 1999 Toyota Corolla and a 2004 Subaru WRX, both of which were great but the Corolla had a really sloppy gearbox that felt incredibly vague at times, whereas the WRX had a sportier transmission that was pretty unforgiving and stiff. This one is definitive about where each gear is, but also won’t get too jerky or loud if you shift a little early or late.
Nissan Hardbody trucks are known and loved for their durability, versatility, and simplicity. They’re super bare bones but what they do have is built remarkably well and meant to withstand lots of abuse. If they don’t rust and have basic maintenance kept up it’s not uncommon for them to go 300k+ miles with minimal issues. Mine has around 184k miles, high but manageable. She also has a few modifications from the previous owner, namely a straight piped exhaust (no muffler, just one big long aluminum tube), aftermarket bumpers and lights, locking hubs, and a small lift. The guy i bought it from had plans to make it an off-roader but had too many projects and needed to offload one to make space in his driveway.
While many people either take these off-roading or turn them into drift trucks, my plan is to bring her back to mostly stock. I’m in the process of tracking down OEM bumpers and a more typical cat-back (from the catalytic converter back) exhaust system so she’s a little less obnoxiously loud. Since i mostly just need reliable transport more than a toy and she is now my sole car, I want to just make her relatively normal. But I love her a lot and am happy to be able to share!
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12percentspider · 1 month
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Info time: Diabetes and related issues [this is long but I highly suggest reading]
Do you ever see something and you go "that doesn't sound right, but I don't know enough about diabetes to dispute it"? Well, I can help you there. I can help you know enough about diabetes to dispute it if need be. Especially because well, there are seemingly a lot of scams going around where people claim to be diabetic [in my experience it's maybe 3 scammers that just remake] and the information is not very correct in most cases. Not to mention this type of scam pisses me off because I am in fact diabetic, and not only are people preying off of others' lack of information about the chronic condition, but it's also trivializing a serious lifelong condition that can be fatal. If you have now or have lost a loved one to diabetes complications, you are already aware of how dangerous it can be as well as how dangerous misinformation is as well.
What is diabetes? Diabetes is a chronic condition related to the endocrine system- the pancreas specifically. However, if complications get serious enough other parts of the body will be affected. In type 2 diabetes, the body's cells have become resistant to insulin, which is a hormone produced by the pancreas that allows cells to use glucose from the blood- your body's energy it needs to function. When someone is 'type 2', the food that person is eating is not able to fuel them, regardless of caloric content. Glucose is commonly called "blood sugar". It's a type of sugar that is processed and then transported via the circulatory system to your cells where it's needed. With type 1 diabetes (which used to be called "juvenile diabetes"), the pancreas does not produce any/enough insulin for some reason or another, generally because of autoimmune or other damage. [For me personally, I was diagnosed as an adult and had to have it confirmed as type 1 due to the presence of autoimmune antibodies, also apparently my pancreas hadn't quite given up at that point.] As we've seen before, insulin allows your body to use the food you are putting into it. As a double whammy, you can have type 1 with resistance, so not only is your body not producing any/enough insulin, what's there can't be used properly. [RIP Spider who has this] So to explain the effects, think about what happens when you're literally starving. Now imagine that's happening no matter how much you eat. Your body may go into starvation mode and store fat. This can be misleading, which when combined with fatphobia has people concluding that "well, you have diabetes because you're fat, duh". Heck, I have/had diabetic relatives who believed that eating too many carbs will automatically cause the condition because that's what everyone is told/assumes. Eventually, you'd starve and your body would start deteriorating as so. HOWEVER because you would have so much glucose that just sits there because it can't be used, your kidneys are going to work overtime to try and correct this- and they can't do it alone. Your liver can also suffer severe damage. That's not to mention a whole host of other complications that can occur.
So what about it? Well, obviously there are treatments. Insulin injections have existed since the 1920s. There are also medications that can help your body actually use the insulin it's being provided, be it naturally or artificially. So yes, people with diabetes are dependent on prescriptions to survive. My grandma lost a sister in childhood due to insulin treatments apparently not being available in the extremely rural area they were living in at the time. More recently, the israeli occupation has banned insulin from being distributed to Palestinians. [Insulin has also been used historically in psychiatric hospitals to force low blood sugar in psychiatric patients, but that's a whole other rabbithole about psychiatric abuse.] There are resources for the US and beyond if you or someone you know and/or love are in dire straits financially and need help with insulin or other diabetes medications/ related medical help. That's only one aspect of treatment, though. Because pain, stress, hormone changes, other medical issues, and plenty of other factors can raise your blood sugar to dangerous levels, other kinds of treatment to manage other factors may be necessary.
Now that that's out of the way, let's get to specifics. So the most common problem you're going to see mentioned is high blood sugar. We've already covered what the effects are, but what is considered high? For the most part, "high" is 200 milligrams per deciliter. My CGM (continuous glucose monitor) lists "high" as anything 181 or higher but stops giving an exact number after 350. This is why I had a good laugh that time I saw a scammer using an image of a meter reading glucose in the 120s- that's good blood sugar. If you're going to get even more specific you want your pre-breakfast blood sugar to be 80-130. So when you see an accompanying image reading in the 500s, that's extremely dangerous. That's "you're in danger of going into a coma" dangerous.
Insulin pricing? How come I'm seeing people saying they need $300? In the US, pricing cap was set to $35 somewhat recently. What this means is that per insulin pen (as far as I've experienced, the above-linked resource post should have links with better clarification) it's $35. Can't be more than that for one pen. How many doses that provides is very up in the air. It absolutely varies from person to person. I have relatives with type 2 that have to inject a dose of very long-acting insulin weekly, one has gone back and forth with daily doses on top of that. I'm type 1 and have to take one dose of long-acting nightly with injections of a short-acting insulin before every meal, with the exact dosage amounts varying per meal. Insulin is measured in units (there's probably an actual mL amount, both of mine are 100 units per mL with a 3mL pen). How many units someone needs is determined with their medical provider (or care team? When I went to 'diabetes education' after diagnosis I was set up with a "care team").
But at any rate, if someone is in an emergency situation in the US should be able to get an insulin pen for $35 pretty much when they get to a pharmacy. Yes, I get that this can be difficult in some situations, but that's outside the concept of insulin prices.
If someone's blood sugar is over 500 though, they almost certainly need a hospital more than they need an insulin pen. Yes, alright, the actual real single mother on twitter who was the source of the profile images/meter images that whatever the current url for vero-og has stolen and been using for months... that was actually months ago and I'm sure she doesn't need to be told to go to the hospital right now. [That said, if you get an ask from someone and the url is a variation off of 'vero-og' that is a confirmed scammer.] And then on top of that, yes, why would you block people that can get you free or discounted insulin? If someone was offering to save your life for free or find you what you need for far less than what you were expecting to spend, why wouldn't you take it? Unless what you're actually after is money.
SO TO RECAP: Insulin does not cost $300, $350, $370, whatever someone is sending you an ask about. In the US, it is federally capped at $35 per pen, with further resources available, as well as further resources being available internationally. If you need help, please be honest about it. I promise there are people who care, you don't have to try and explain yourself- but it absolutely does not cost that much and if it did, there are ways to lower the cost by quite a bit if there aren't resources to make it free. Diabetes is a lifelong chronic condition that is not caused by "being fat" or "eating too much", it is caused by your body not functioning right and your body can starve no matter how much food you eat. Unfortunately, people have been lying on this site for months if not years claiming to have type 1 with an insulin emergency. These people cannot possibly have diabetes, or they would be well aware that they do not need hundreds of dollars to get their insulin. They are counting on you not knowing this so you will donate to them. The 'vero-og' scammer had been harassing someone who donated and threatening them with the intention of bullying more money out of the donor.
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anemonelovesfiction · 11 months
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I’ve Neglected you Far Too Long
Ao’nung x Hybrid Fem! Reader
No mentions of Y/n though but its implied. Obviously they’re adults- I quite literally mention Ao’nung has tattoo’s. And obviously theres some smut.
Kind of like an arranged marriage scenario. Any words in English are stricken through. If they’re in italics its just emphasis on that word. Starts off with a bit of background, smut is near the end lol, but its a lot of it.
Word count: 9.2K because I got carried away.
I would say it started with my birth. I was granted the luck of being born Kiri’s twin, with a few minor setbacks, although to Neytiri they were enough to refuse taking me in as her own. I was born with the size and appearance of a human- but I was a halfbreed. My features were human but I was the one born with fangs and I had a kuru as well but it was relative to my size, it was still encased in a big braid and reached past my butt, almost mid thigh, yet still had the natives squinting to see it.
If it wasn’t for Jake pointing out that I had a queue and didn’t need an exomask to breathe, one of the Metkayina warriors would have thrown their spear, killing me. I was captured alongside Spider, when they put me in the machine they’d put Spider in, it awakened some telekinetic abilities I didn’t know I had.
But they’re tied to my emotions and I could only ever really use them if I felt strongly about something. Which is why I was able to help kill most of the humans that had hunted the tulkun, I had enough of their interrogations and abuse.
After losing Neteyam, Ronal and Tonowari welcomed the Sully’s into the Metkayina, and were willing to accommodate for Spider only if I were to marry their son. Their reason being that my telekinetic abilities - which seemed to surpass Kiri’s in their eyes- could protect their clan and son if anything like that happened again.
Ronal disliked that I was half human, she didn’t really want me to marry her son with my outward appearance- like one of the tawtute- sky people- but if I could be used to protect her dear son, thats all that mattered to her, keeping her lineage going.
“We could unite the reef clans and forest people.”
Were Neytiri’s words after Ronal had brought up her reasoning. Tonowari had stayed silent with his hands on his knee’s. It was Ronal’s idea for them to kneel so I wouldn’t feel intimidated by their height, but I’m shorter than most humans, so they were still a good head taller than me, maybe two.
“Of course this is your choice, kid.” Jake stated carefully, his hand movements mimicking that of a calm ultimatum, and this was anything but.
I nodded once, then walked out of the tent and sat by the beach. I couldn’t think of anyone other than Spider. If he were to go back to the Omaticaya, he’s be lonely. His entire life revolved around the Sully’s and I couldn’t risk him being kicked out, and I refused to spend any more time away from my sister.
I’d gotten an earful from Neytiri that day about being disrespectful to the clan leaders for leaving the way I did. I had no idea how to respond and she despised me- had I looked like Kiri I’m sure the story would be different, but I’m not like her, my genetics decided to mute the blue and because of that, I’d forever be treated as a human by Neytiri- even if I could breathe the same air as her, even if I can make tsaheylu.
And it has lead me to being bathed in scents that Ao’nung found pleasing. Neytiri and Jake were allowed to voice their opinion on the matter and Jake had mentioned that this smelled of raspberries back on earth.
As tradition, the mother of the groom and any female sibling, or honorary females washed the bride in the scents and got her ready for her soon-to-be husband. And all of the males near and dear to my heart would do the same to the groom. In this case I had told them not to do anything to change his appearance and to leave him as is. Even if he’d made up with Lo’ak, I could never forget the face he made after finding out he was betrothed to me. The shock in his face said it all, he didn’t want me, and I didn’t want him either but at least I was cordial about it.
I had no idea how big of a celebration this would be. Everyone from the clan walked up and wished blessings upon us, a fruitful- and fertile- marriage. I’m glad I stuck around with Spider and learned Na’Vi while we were kids as a lot of the well wishes were very long and I’d kick myself in the face if I had to childishly reply with broken Na’Vi.
Nothing happened that night.
Don’t get me wrong I’m excited and happy we didn’t do what I was told married couples do by Neytiri. She went into greater detail than Norm did about mating as a Na’Vi and how the tsaheylu was a crucial part of becoming connected to ones mate. Most nights I was ignored and we’d go to sleep on separate mats. I’d need to start Tsahik training but I’d need to learn the things Tsireya had learned when she was younger and work my way up in rank. Because of this, Lo’ak was in the lead of becoming Olo’eyktan considering he’s earned their trust and Tsireya knew more about healing.
_________
“The tattoo’s have different meanings and what one curve could mean for someone, it could be translated differently in another clan members markings.” Tsireya mentions while showing me two nearly identical tattoo’s.
“These are almost identical.” I stated blankly and giggled, placing her hand over her mouth to hide her laughter.
“Yes but you noticed the difference between the two, you said almost. Explain what you see.” She asks.
“This one has what appears to be a smoother execution. This one seems bold, like you used a darker ink? It has jagged edges too.”
“The first one was for a warrior who had just had his inknimaya. Everything went well for him and the skimwing he had bonded with. For the second, not so much, he experienced much pain and eventually managed to execute it perfectly.”
“The second tattoo is slightly bigger, could this indicate multiple tries to his inknimaya?”
“You are a quick learner.” Tsireya smiles at me and I smile back. It wasn’t hard to be genuine around her and she made it hard to hate her. She’s seen me naked more times than my own husband, and she’d only seen me before I got married to him.
By the end of the lesson she struggles to get on her feet from kneeling in front of me and I feel terrible.
“You don’t always have to kneel for us to be the same height, Tsireya. If you wanted to stand I wouldn’t mind.” This isn’t the first time I tell her.
“I need to be flexible.” She states happily.
“For who, Lo’ak?” I ask and start laughing at her embarrassed face.
“I’m sorry, Rey, but these jokes just come naturally to me, I can’t stop them when my tongue is faster than my mind.” I giggle as she huffs and turns her head.
“I’ll make the same jokes when you are with child.”
“No you won’t.” Partly because I’ve yet to consummate my marriage. “I don’t even know if we could have kids considering I’m a half-breed that looks human.” I stated aloud.
“Toruk Macto is a half breed.” She states as if it were obvious.
“Yes, but he has the appearance of a native. It’s easier for him to blend in. Lo’ak is also a half breed and he too can hide with the rest of the Na’Vi. I’m-“ I stop myself before saying anything too harsh, or she’d scold me. “-different.”
“The kind of different my brother needs in his life. Keep trying for children and I will pray that the great mother blesses you!” She says over enthused.
“Sure.” I stated simply, smiling at her. We said our goodbyes and I headed off toward his marui pod.
_________
“Where have you been?”
“With your sister. Learning.” I stated, I’ve grown to know Ao’nung likes short answers and to never bother him when he was entranced with something- whether it was learning a new trick on a skimwing or sparring. I placed my medical bag down- Kiri made this one for me as a present and I never went anywhere without it.
I can feel his eyes on me while I search in a big box for some herbs to refill my bag. The bag hangs over my chest and does a good job of hiding my stomach- not that its big, I hide it from the sun since I’m often exposed. I’d learned to wear traditional clothes and the loincloths were made in children's size due to my stature. The top was something Kiri had to teach me to make- it resembles a human sports bra but matching my loincloth.
My loincloth was traditional in every sense except it didn’t have a hole for a tail, but it still adjusted and tied off on the side, just like everyone else's.
“Are you hurt?” I ask him once I refill my bag and look up to face him. I’d known of his tattoo’d arms but the one on his face was new. It made his eyes pop and he looked handsome- but that didn’t matter.
“What?” He asks as of he hadn’t heard me before.
“Are you hurt. Do you need something from me?” I asked him and he understands what I mean.
“No.” He answers and turns his face toward the side to look at the floor of his- our, because it technically is ours- marui.
“Then I will head out and assist.” I answered not really caring to give him a chance to respond- let alone process- what I said. But he was faster than I was and his hand reached around my bicep and that stopped me.
He was never one to touch me. Not when it came to helping me learn the way of his village, not now, and not even on our wedding night. I press my teeth on my tongue to prevent myself from saying something smart and I turn to face him. I refuse to talk as I’d always found some way to offend him with whatever I said so I waited for him to speak.
“Do you resent me?” He asks simply and this question is a slap to my face. My face only forms in confusion as my eyebrows knit together and my eyes squint slightly.
“I don’t-“ I began but stopped myself from speaking as he lets go of my bicep. I look over at his hand and back at him feeling more confusion than ever.
“I see.” He answers plainly and I furrow my brows some more before raising one and looking at him.
“I didn’t say anything.”
“You don’t have to.” He answers simply and I feel like I’d immediately done something wrong again. “Your face said everything your words could not.”
“But-“
“You should go out and assist my sister. Let her know I held you back if she asks why you are late.” He states before walking past me and heading out the opening of the marui with his spear.
I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding once the curtain fell shut again. Of course I resented him, he was rude, underestimated me in everything, and never made an effort to get to know me. But I hadn’t said any of that to his face and I was in control of my emotions and knew I didn’t make a face of disgust- but why did he ask the question in the first place?
_________
“Did you talk to her?” Spider asks as soon as Ao’nung joins the hunting party. Due to his inability to bond with the animals he often rode with Lo’ak.
“Yes.” Ao’nung answered.
“Is she coming to the party tonight?” Lo’ak asks after lightly nudging between Spider’s hips to quiet the grown man in front of him, he sure was nosey today.
“I did not ask.” Ao’nung answers and Spider grumbles.
“The whole point was to-“ Spider stops himself when Lo’ak’s Ilu immediately surges forward. And the hunt began.
_________
“Theres a lot of people gathering for something outside. Was there something planned for today? Did I have to do something?” I asked nervously once Ao’nung had come into the marui. He must have showered at some point because he didn’t smell like sea air like he usually does after a hunting trip.
“The celebration of our union.” Is all he says while placing his spear on the wall along with his others.
“But we-“
“It’s what you call an Annie-server.” He states in his best english and given the severity of my nerves I couldn’t find the way he fudged up the words funny at this time.
“It hasn’t been a year yet-“ I stop myself as he walks over to pick the accessories he never touches, taking the ones he has on and replacing them with those.
“Has it?” I ask myself quietly.
“It has.” He answers and stops in front of me. One hand on my shoulder but its immediately removed when I look at it.
“Please put these on.” He hands me a matching pair, the one from our wedding- union as they call it. It’s supposed to show that we are harmonious. I try to tie the bands on my anklet together but my fingers keep fumbling and I let out a frustrated sigh.
“Let me help you.” He sits in front of me and offers his hand to take my leg.
“No-“ He takes my leg after letting out a small hiss of his own and sets it on top of his thigh where he leans over and carefully ties the bands together. His hands on my ankle sends a shiver up my spine.
“It’s only done the first year. They will ask invasive questions. I’m glad my sister convinced you to use the soap. Come.” He stands quickly and heads over to the entrance of the marui.
He holds the flap of the curtain open for me to walk through. I was going to comment on why his hair was undone but was met with a bunch of cheers and a celebratory song. I’m awestruck as the clan starts parting and a walkway is created for me. I follow them and end up near the front.
“We have come to celebrate the night this union was made one year ago.” Ronal smiles big at the clan as she announces her words.
“It is time to take on the tradition of the couples.” Tonowari joins in and the crowd basically goes wild. I stand with a fake smile plastered on my face.
“Ao’nung. Face your bride.” Tonowari speaks once more and he steps up in front of me before kneeling respectfully taking my hand and kissing it, making a majority of the girls awe at his gesture, but I knew better, it was a show. I let go of his hand quickly and awaited further instruction.
“This is our clans best kept secret. You will braid his hair to your liking as a symbol of life's twists and turns bringing you together. And he is to maintain the hairstyle or one similar for the rest of his life as his devotion to you.” Ronal states.
My eyes widened and I’m fucked. I can braid for sure, all thanks to Tuk, Kiri, and Neteyam consistently asking me to braid their hair often, but I didn’t know about this was a requirement. If Lo’ak and Tsireya were to have wedded before myself and Ao’nung I would have expected this. But they married about four weeks after we did. And Ao’nung doesn’t let anyone touch his hair. My eyes wandered over to find his staring back at me and I looked down releasing quiet but heavy exhale.
“But before we start, you are to drink this.” Ronal hands me a cup thats decently sized, still huge in comparison to me but good enough to grab.
“This is made up of many many plants and fruits from our clan and has been prayed over with many blessings poured into it from the beginning of the process.” Ronal informs me.
“This drink is to be shared between the two of you. You will speak many blessings in it yourself- in a hushed voice, take a drink and you will hand it off to your mate to receive the blessings.” Ronal smiles and hands the cup over to me.
I’m nervous as shit and am worried I might say the wrong thing but am glad it doesn’t have to be shared aloud. And I take a look into the cup and see the deep red liquid inside and sigh.
“Treat me like the mate I ought to be treated and my face won’t show resentment again.” I whispered into it and took a big chug- considering there was a lot of liquid in there.
I walk over toward Ao’nung and hand him the cup I’d just drank from and he drinks the rest. The cheers coming from the crowd make my tummy tingle and I start feeling weird. I should probably ask Tsireya what kinds of things were included in there to see if its compatible with my human half.
“You may begin.” Tonowari gently nods his head once at me and I nod.
“Could-“ I stop myself and Ao’nungs eyes are burning in mine and nervously chuckle, averting my eyes once more.
“Could you please turn so I can reach your head, Yawne?” I blush harshly at that and the positive whispers in the crowd are making me feel uncomfortable, but I always had to put on a show for them. Ao’nung nods once and does as I ask and I put myself to work.
His tail wraps loosely on my calf and it feels warm. I’m sure this is all for the sake of appearance but it makes it feel like it’s a smidge hard to breathe. I won’t lie, after a long day of chores, or whatever strenuous activity Ao’nung has done his hair looks the best right before he showers. Pieces of it have come out of the braids and are clinging to his face by his sweat- no, stop it.
I’d worked diligently and managed to create the hairstyle he always wears. Except some of the braids on the sides twist to form X’s.
“You barely changed it.” Ao’nung states after feeling around and turning to face me.
“This is how you look best, to me.” I admit.
“Especially when some of these,“ I gently yank out the loose pieces I’d failed to tuck in properly. “Slip out. Like after you finish working.” I find myself gingerly placing my hand on his cheek, I look down at his lips and my eyes slightly widen at my own actions before I remove my hand slowly, making my movements not show how we truly are with one another, and taking a step back.
Several one of the younger girls had held on to the boys courting them and mentioned how they wanted a love like ours and I fought the urge to roll my eyes. If only they knew what our Love really was.
“The last thing for you to do is to decide which one of these your mate has prepared. This will also test to see how well you notice our signature hunting mark.” Tsireya steps back and reveals three fish total that had been cooked. If he managed to hunt with Lo’ak and Spider I’d be more willing to pick out Spiders pathetic excuse of a hunt since he did things the human way. Then I’d have to compare it to Lo’ak’s which might resemble both clans hunting and preparing skills into one and choose the one that least resembled the two. But if they decided to choose at random from other clansmen, I’m screwed.
It suddenly felt like my body temperature had risen and I could feel the slight stickiness that forms on my skin before I start sweating and I feel slightly uncomfortable. I take a look at the three and can tell which one Spider made and fight the urge to giggle. He has talent, but sometimes massacres his huntings, whether he did this on purpose or not I’m thankful to Eywa.
The next two are hard to tell as they’re on similar plates and dished the same. So I focus in depth on the one in the middle and notice it’s one of Lo’ak’s favorite fish to hunt and I want to look at the boy and thank him, but instead look up to Tsireya and smile.
“The one on the left.” I point to it and she smiles back.
“How do you know?” Tsireya asks.
“The cutting pattern is one he chooses often and he knows this is my favorite fish.” I hold a hand on my chest for sentimental value.
The party continued without a hitch and I started feeling hotter by the second before excusing myself while everyone was either drunk, picking at the food table, dancing, or even singing I managed to slide my feet in the water and felt myself cool down significantly.
“Enjoying your anniversary?” Lo’ak asks me as he comes up behind me.
“Sure. Just glad its you and not any nosey person asking me invasive questions. I had an elder ask me if he’s good in bed. I had to lie to someone about my non-existent sex life.”
Lo’ak lets out a laugh and places his arm around me. For being more human appearing than him he always treated me as an equal. I appreciate him for doing that, even if I wasn’t technically adopted alongside Kiri, he always called me his sister.
“What was in that drink?” I asked him and he shrugs.
“I thought you’d know, but I think Tsireya said something about it containing an aphrodisiac?” Lo’ak states and I laugh.
“Come on bro,”
“I’m deadass.”
“Even if it did, nothings coming out of it. He hates my guts.” I sigh and bring my knees to my chest.
“He can’t possibly hate you.”
“Yes he does! Every morning I wake up he’s not there. Every time before bedtime I set out his mat since he comes home after I’ve passed out- and I know this because I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and see him on the opposite side of the room dead asleep.”
“Okay but what about that time you said he cuddled you.”
“That doesn’t count.”
“Why not?” He asks.
_________
I lied shivering getting up frequently due to the cold air and having to pee. Ao’nung had come in quite late and I’d woken up for the upteenth time tired as hell and unable to warm myself up.
“Why do you keep getting up. Either stay up or stay asleep.” Ao’nung complains and turns around harshly. I didn’t bother responding as I figured sleep was more important than being petty.
But when I’d finally get comfortable and dozed off, I’d wake up with my teeth chattering and my body shaking, trying to keep warm.
“Aren’t you a half-breed? Why are you still making sounds!” He asks angrily.
“Because I’m still half human! I can withstand colder temperatures than humans can but not by much. Trust me when I tell you I’d much rather be held in captivity and tortured than to be here with you. At least they gave me blankets.” I grumble and get up to go pee once more.
I’d decided to take a long time returning but even when I’d figured he was asleep, as soon as I stepped inside he turned to face me, it looked like he might have been pacing- but I couldn’t be too sure. I’m just glad I went pee before coming back in.
“We do not have blankets right now, but we are often very warm. Maybe if I-“ He gulps. “If I held you, you would not be making noises with your teeth.” He explains.
_________
“Did you take him up on his offer?” Lo’ak asks and I push him.
“I had to. And the next day I asked your mom how the hell I could hand knit a blanket and she made a huge one, thinking it was for us to share. But I didn’t have to bother him on cooler nights again.
“But he did care for you, he came up with a solution.”
“A solution so he could get sleep and my teeth would stop chattering.” I roll my eyes.
“Okay but your favorite fish for today, explain that.” Lo’ak crosses his arms.
“I could easily tell Spider’s mutilation from yours.” I roll my eyes. “And He asked me two days ago what my favorite fish was. I know he hates when I take to long to explain myself- probably because he hates the sound of my voice, so I told him in one simple answer.”
“Did he tell you that?” Lo’ak asks.
_________
“I think I like the tulip thorn because of the way it glows at night. But the stem is also pretty with the way it wraps around and creates a mini shelter. Tuk and I used to take some leaves and tie them down to make a fort and-“
“It was a simple question. I don’t need a story attached to every answer you give me.” He stated harshly.
“Oh,” I state and do a little reflection and cringe at the many times I’d gone off on tangents while talking to him. Or the times when he’d straight up turned and walked out and I’d been left talking to myself for Eywa knows how long.
_________
“You could say that.” I answered back shortly as I didn’t want to bore yet another Na’Vi with my stories.
“Thats all you have to say?” He asks.
“I can tell you just about every negative encounter I had with him and they start from the moment I met him and lead up to this morning. I try to stay out of his way as much as possible. Its all he wants anyway.” I shrug.
“What if he didn’t?” He asks and I look at him wondering what joke he had in mind this time. Tears start to fill my eyes and threaten to fall.
“I don’t think I need a joke about my marriage, Lo’ak.” My voice wavers no matter how strong I wanted to sound.
“Hey, Hey, Hey-“ He’s quick to kneel in front of me and places his hands on my shoulders.
“I wish I could have a love story like you and Reya, or even your parents.”
“I wasn’t making a joke, I swear.”
“I can’t blame you. I’ll never know what its like to be loved.” The tears slide down my cheeks with ease. “I’m stuck with a mate who hates my guts and wishes I was a native with three fingers and three toes instead of this shit-“ I hold out my hands and wiggle my fingers.
_________
“I’m married to you for political appearance. Thats it. And the sooner you can accept that I’d much rather be with my own kind than a four-fingered-freak, the better it will be for you.”
“Don’t think I’m in love with you. You’re an asshole, a jerk, and a bully. Never in my life would I willingly choose someone like you.”
“Then don’t ask me about the status of our marriage anymore. You’re the least attractive thing I could ever lay my eyes on. I won’t ever love you, get that through your thick skull. The sooner the better.”
“You don’t even want to attempt a friendship with me?” I asked taken aback by his outburst.
“With you?” He asks and laughs bitterly. “I want nothing to do with you.” He gets in my face and pushes my chest with two of his fingers to make a point. But I’m not sure how strong he thought I was because he pushes me down. I fall flat on my ass and yelp. Something flashes in his eyes real quick.
“I’m so-“
“Don’t. I receive your message loud and clear.” I swat his hand away and I stand, making sure to walk away as fast as I can.
_________
“That can’t be true,” Lo’ak shakes his head after grabbing my hands with his.
“He might be hard headed but he will come to love you the way I love Tsireya, or how sickeningly my dad loves my mom, or how Spider loves Kiri.”
I hear someone clear their throat from behind myself and I pull my hands from Lo’ak’s and quickly wipe my tears off my face.
“I would like to speak to my mate. Alone.” My shoulders stiffen at his voice and my lower lip trembles.
“It’s okay Lo’ak. Go enjoy the party. I’m sure we’ll head back soon.” I stated as emotionless as possible and he looks between Ao’nung and myself before nodding toward me and walking back. I didn’t look back since I knew him and could hear the clap of his hand on Ao’nungs shoulder. I wish Neteyam were here to witness the amazing man and husband Lo’ak turned out to be for Tsireya.
“May I join you?”
“You requested to speak with me alone.” I stand as I say that.
“Please. Speak.” I state as I try rushing this along. I could feel myself getting warmer, although I’m sure its from the anger I was feeling at him at the moment.
“I-“ He starts speaking and stops. He looks down at the floor and kneels down, the most sincere apology in this clan. “I need to apologize for how I have treated you.”
I can’t help but let out a chuckle at the scenario in front of me and shake my head in disappointment. He furrows the skin where his eyebrows would be if he were human and studies my face.
“What is wrong?” He asks and I feel like a mad woman.
“You expect me to believe you mean that?” I ask him and he looks confused. He makes eye contact.
“You don’t care about me or my feelings, Ao’nung. You only care about your appearance. Tell me that isn’t true.”
“I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you and how I have acted.” He states again and I feel the air being knocked out of my lungs as I let an audible quick exhale and couldn’t breathe in as he held eye contact.
“I have been nothing but ignorant to your needs and I want that to end. I want to get to know you. I want to learn about you.”
“I don’t know what kind of fun party juices you’ve been drinking but I’m not entertaining this. I’ll go talk to your mom and explain we haven’t bonded and you’ll be out of this union.” I start heading back toward the party.
“Please don’t,” He asks under his breath but I heard it, and stupidly turned around.
“This is what you wanted. I’m helping you. Shouldn’t you be thanking me?” I scoff. “The girl you want is probably going to be over the moon when she hears you’re single and untouched.” I stated.
“I want you.” He states loudly. Still in his kneeling position.
“What?” I asked him and feel like the world has shifted. The party music had disappeared and it felt like we were the only ones on the beach. He stands and starts walking but picks me up and continues walking.
“I said I want you.” He looks directly in my eyes and holds my stare as he says that, then turns his head back to focus on where he’s going.
“Yeah I heard you the first time.” I uttered and I could feel something snap in my body. The warmth I felt earlier was in my lower belly and I felt the small zing of- no.
“Then why ask?”
“Because theres no way you- woah.” I stated as I looked to see his pupils were huge. Barely any blue coming through. And it took me until now to realize he’d walked us toward our marui pod.
“You smell so good.” He shoves his nose in between my neck and my shoulder and takes a whiff, and I squeak in surprise.
“Yeah its that soap I used when we-“
“Not that smell.”
“Fuck.” I muttered as his voice had gotten deeper for some reason. “What are you doing.” I asked as he had still not let me down.
“I’ve neglected you far too long.” He lays me down and I’m surprised to feel something soft underneath me. I could feel whatever effects of that stupid mystery drink turning me on and I laid there breathing heavily looking at his face.
“May I kiss you?” He asks and I’m too stunned to speak. I look down to his lips but quickly look back up toward his eyes.
“Why are you being nice? Is the juice affecting you too?” I asked and take my hand to feel his forehead since I’d been feeling warm too. He closes his eyes and-
“Are you purring?” I asked as he manages to nuzzle my hand and make it look like I’d been caressing his face.
“May I kiss you, yawne.” He asks again and his eyes are bearing into my soul.
“I don’t- I,” I struggle to even think this through as a flame fans through my body. “Yes.”
And his lips are on mine. He takes one of his hands and places it on my cheek and I instinctively place my hand on his arm. He prods his tongue out to stroke my lip and I squeal and nip at it. He chuckles before continuing to kiss me and peppers my face with kisses as he moves his kisses down my neck.
“Mm-“ I moan as he starts sucking my pulse point and failed to realize my legs wrapped around his waist- chest I suppose.
“Sit up.” I demand and he immediately does so.
“Am I hurting-“
“Shut it.” I stated and sit on his lap. I used my telekinesis to place his hands on my hips and forced his neck down and feverishly kiss him again. He’s fighting himself as I feel him tremble slightly and his grip on my waist only slightly tightens and I’m mildly upset.
“Move my hips on you, do something dammit.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” He mutters.
“I’ll tell you if you’ve hurt me by screaming in pain, what I need is friction- yes- holy shit-“ I cut myself off and notice just how big his package feels.
“Did I hurt you?” He stops.
“No, you just feel- huge. Oh my Eywa is it going to fit?” I ramble and he moves me back over his lap and I grunt.
“I pray it does.” He grunts before kissing down my neck once more. His hand trails up to untie my top and I pause.
“May I take this off?” He asks so sweetly and I bite my lip and nod. He pulls the fabric tying it together and it becomes loose, I slip out of it and he goes back to kissing me and I’m disappointed in his silence.
He smiles cockily when he comes up for air and I want to punch his face but he says the sweetest thing before I can form a fist.
“I’m the luckiest man on pandora.” He kisses down my chest and takes one nipple into his mouth, twirling his tongue on my nipple.
“Ao’nung,” I moan as he pinches my other nipple.
“I like when you say my name like that.” He speaks directly to me, fully unashamed, and kisses my mouth.
His fingers trail down toward my ass, he cups my cheeks with his massive hands and kneads them, in the process he’s grinding me on his dick.
“Ao’nung-“ I moan again and try to push myself away from him but he takes my mouth into his and places the tip of his tongue in my mouth playfully stroking my own and I’m wet a hell from that action alone- and partly because of that juice.
“Yes, Yawne?”
“Take it off. Now.” I grunt and stand quickly without realizing his hand had already found the string and as I stood, my loincloth was untied and fell off.
“Yeah, luckiest man on Pandora.” He repeats his statement from earlier and I can’t help but roll my eyes.
“Have you ever-“ I stop myself from speaking and suddenly feel very self conscious.
“No.” He states fully and we both seem to be coming out of whatever the juice was doing to us- but only for a slight second.
“Have you?” He asks me and sits up.
“Never.” I admit and look away but feel my face being pulled back towards his in the gentlest way.
“We will learn with each other. We go as far as you want. I don’t want to pressure you to doing something you do not want.” He reassures me and kisses my lips again.
“So what now?” I asked him and he smiles.
“Lie down my sweet syulang.” He gently nudges me down and I follow his instructions. I can feel whatever flames were in my stomach before start to take over the nerves once again.
“Spread your legs.” He instructs and I follow and look up at the ceiling.
“Look at me, Yawne.” And I do. “You smell so sweet.”
“Wait, what are you-“ I ask before he licks a fat stripe on my pussy and I gasp.
He carefully wedges his tongue to spread my lips apart and I moan as he licks upward. He’s gently holding my thighs open but my hands felt empty. As if reading my mind his hands snake up to hold mine, the fists I once had were now warming up with his hands in them.
“Ao’nung rutxe, don’t st-ahh,” I’m the one letting his hands go and reach down toward his head and manage to tangle my fingers in there well enough to control his heads movements.
“You taste sweet, too.”
I now know why he’d held my thighs open earlier as I’m currently trying to suffocate him with them but the pleasure is too good and his tongue keeps circling on my clit and it all feels so good. And I feel something go in me at a gentle pace and the once building orgasm has muted as I feel it moving around.
“Ah-“ I open my eyes and look down to see he’s got one finger inside me and he’s staring me down. His finger stills but doesn’t pull out.
Does it hurt? He signs with his other hand
“N-no, just different, my fingers aren’t as thick as yours so this feels-“ I stop myself from rambling as he places a second finger in gently and I squeeze down hard.
“Ahh-“ I wince and try to withdraw but he stills my hips.
“Breathe, yawne. If I pull out now it could hurt worse, I will pull out if thats what you want but I’ve been told to tell you it gets better.”
“Told by who,”
“Is that really what you’re worried about?” He asks and I shake my head.
“It helps to forget the pain,”
“I can do that.” He immediately uses his thumb to circle my clit again and the pain subsides.
“Will it fit?” I ask again as his other hand is busy playing with my nipples.
“Yes.” He states but before I can ask if he’s sure he moves up to kiss me, and I just remembered how much bigger he was, yet he was being this gentle with me?
“Go faster my love,” I moan and connect out lips and start feeling pleasure from this experience. And he goes faster.
“Yes that spot, hit that again,” I clench my teeth at the overwhelming feeling I’m getting from his fingers and he smiles.
“Whatever you say, my love,” He smiles genuinely and it melts my heart. He leans down to kiss me again.
“Yes go faster, rutxe,”
“You don’t have to say that for me to go faster. You say and I’ll do. Always.” He says while going faster
“Kiss me.” And he kisses me.
“Again-“ He kisses me again.
“Mate with me,”
He unties his loincloth with one hand and slips out of it easily and the sight of his penis has my eyes widening. He tells me he’s going to slide his fingers out and does so but my eyes are on something else entirely.
“Theres blood on my fingers-“ He stares at his fingers in horror.
“Thats normal- for me.” I take his hand and hold it close to my chest. “On Earth, when you have sex for the first time, this happens. The custom- a long time ago- used to be to do this for the first time in your wedding night with the person you love.”
“It is a sign of loyalty?” Ao’nung questions and I nod.
“It’s like tsaheylu.”
“Then let us complete our custom.” He grabs his braid and brings it forward, his white tendrils moving in all directions.
“Are you certain?” I ask him and he smiles, giving me a peck real quick. He grabs my braid for me but before connecting looks me directly in my eyes.
“Are you certain?” He’s asking so sweetly while making sure our braids don’t connect.
“Yes.”
And the feeling itself is euphoric. My pupils are blown wide I’m sure, I could slightly feel them getting larger. I can feel how fast Ao’nung is breathing and can feel the strain of his cock as if the feeling were my own. I could feel how his heart was beating and the same warmth had settled over his own belly.
“Nga yawne lu oer,” Ao’nung states breathlessly.
“I love you, too.” I respond in english
It’s like he understood what I meant as he leans down to kiss me and manages to settle me in missionary. He lifts his head up and looks down between us and back up at me. I nod and feel him start to get nervous.
“It’s okay.” I place a hand on his cheek and gingerly stroke it.
“I don’t want to hurt you,”
“Have I screamed in pain at any point?” I ask and he smiles, kissing me again. He looks down between us and places his cock in his hands and guides it in slowly. I could feel my body clenching in anticipation and I shut my eyes harshly.
“Shit.” I grunt and squeeze harder when I feel the head sliding in slowly. The stretch burned real bad and at this point I stopped breathing.
“Breathe my love,” He gently strokes my clit after stopping just after his head had been pushed in.
“Ma’nung, you’re big.” I groan and throw my head back as the subtle sparks of him rubbing my clit start to fan the flames more.
“You’re so tight I might burst too soon.” He strains and I start to relax.
“Thats a compliment on Earth-“ I try to laugh and he slaps my thigh.
“Ahh!” I whine and he goes back to rubbing my clit and I moan immediately after.
“I’m going to keep pushing-“ He starts and as he does I can feel a sense of fullness but also his length dragging heavily on my g-spot and I moan.
“If you don’t move some more, I will cut your penis off.” I threaten and I can tell he’s confused by the sudden change of pace but I know he can feel what I feel.
“Shit, is that me?” He asks and I open my eyes to see him biting his lip, one of his fangs poking out, I look down myself and see a small bulge moving in my lower belly.
“Yes thats you-“ I moan as he’d started sliding out and his cock continues rubbing against my G-spot, it feels like the many orgasms I brought myself to happening all at once.
“Go faster-“ I whine and he does, snapping his hips at a steady pace and it feels so damn good.
“Faster-“ and he follows my command, not once questioning me.
“You’re swallowing me so easily, you feel so soft rubbing all over, and your stomach is- fuck-“ He cuts himself off and seems unsure of where to stare, at my pussy swallowing his cock or at my stomach as it plays peek-a-boo with him.
“Yawne, I’m too close-“
“I’m coming Ao’nung-“ I whine and feel myself spasm around his cock as I blubber on some stupid Na’Vi mixed with english non-sense.
Not once had he stopped thrusting his hips and the feeling of my orgasm continuously being stroked on had started what felt like the build of another one.
“Cock so good I’m coming twice-“ I groan in English and he starts whining himself. I never knew Na’vi men were vocal, and for some reason, the question can I come? Kept replaying in my head. Realizing I was still connected to Ao’nung I reach my hand up and pat his arm and he opens his eyes, lust evident on his face.
“You can come my love-“
The look of relief washed over his face but I could still feel like he was holding back. More of his thoughts flood my mind.
“Do it.” I confirm and he leans his whole body over mine, hitting spots I thought he was hitting before, quite literally fucking me so dumb I forgot my own name. His thrusts feel even more powerful at this angle and he bites the skin between my neck and my shoulder. His come washes over the both of us as I have my second orgasm and massage the spurts of come from his dick, coaxing more to come out with every wave of pleasure I felt. He lazily kisses me and pulls out, I hiss from the sting of his fat head stretching me open.
“Come here-“ Ao’nung quite literally lifts me to lay on his chest as we both catch our breath.
“I meant it.” He says while lazily stroking my back, but he didn’t have to explain, we were still connected, I already knew.
“I do too.” I sigh and lean into his chest to listen to his heart beat lulling me to sleep.
_________
I wake up and realize my body is being caged in but I felt warm and comfortable so I stayed snuggled up in what I thought was my blanket.
“Good, you’re awake.”
My eyes have never snapped open so quick after hearing that voice. His morning after voice was deep and sensual and it had me tingling. I look up to see that it was still dark.
“It’s not morning yet.” I groan and get comfortable again.
“Yes, my love, but I need some assistance.” He states as if he were straining and I turn my head to see him struggling with another boner.
“Oh my-“ I turn quickly. “- how long have you been dealing with that!” I asked and he whines.
“You’ve spent the entire time grinding me while you slept, I didn’t want to wake you, but we mate up to three times during one session.” He tries saying it in a nice way but I understood what he meant.
“Slide it in next time.”
“But you were sleeping.”
“I know, Ma’nung, but nothing better than waking up to an orgasm, or being loved on.” I stated while sliding one leg up, still laying sideways.
Ao’nung is hesitant, but we were still connected by our bond too. I was surprised.
“I forgot you have a fat head-“ I groan as he slides it in and gives me time to adjust but also feeling instant relief to be back inside me. The hand underneath my waist snakes over to rub my clit as he pumps pathetically inching in very slowly, but I could feel what he felt.
“Come inside my love-“ I moan as he comes inside for the second time tonight, letting him continue thrusting lazily while sliding across my G-spot.
“You feel so warm, so good, I can’t get enough.” He groans while continuing the same movement and I could feel him getting hard again.
“Is this why your mom is pregnant for the sixth time?” I asked and he ignores me but wraps his hands around my body, pulling me closer to him.
“Can I come again, my love?” He asks while his thrusts are becoming more powerful.
“How many more times can you come tonight?” I asked and start meeting his thrusts in the middle, feeling the familiar sensation about to snap in my belly.
“As many times as it takes to make you round with child, I can’t wait to see you waddle with my life inside of you-“
“Fill me to the brim,” I groaned as he continues thrusting while imagining myself pregnant with his children. But the mental images he was seeing began flashing in my mind and he wanted to fuck me while pregnant, pushing my body past its limits and taking me in every position.
“Come my love-“ He grunts in my ear and all I can do is squeeze around his cock and moan loudly.
_________
“You don’t want anyone to hear us, do you?” He teases while thrusting in my cunt ever so slowly while he held me against the tree.
“No,” I try to stay quiet but he only slaps his big hand over my mouth.
He’d decided to fish on the docks today instead of following a hunting party and when he’d finish casting his third net full of fish he’d told the guys he was with that he’d be back in a few. I’d been picking seashells with his mom and sister when he called me away and lead me to where we were.
“You’re such a pathetic thing, Yawne,” He glides his dick over my G spot effortlessly and I’m a mess, I’m struggling to keep my eyes open.
“Eyes on me, my love, I want to see what I do to you.” He smiles cockily and I whine loud enough for him to hear.
“I want to come-“
“No.” He states firmly and slides his cock back in. “Be good for me and we’ll see if you deserve to come, my love.”
“Kiss me-“ I demand and he leans in, gently taking in the back of my neck and kissing me sweetly.
“G-go faster-“ I pant as he does and my eyes roll back.
“Come my love, come.” Ao’nung instructs me and I bite my lip as I release myself all over his cock.
“No don’t pull out,” I hold on to his hand tightly as if thats where I needed to hold him.
“We have to go back and-“
“I need you, Ma’nung,” I complain and he smirks.
“Of course, how could I have been so dumb,” He states and starts thrusting even faster.
“Ah!” I moaned and he slaps his hand over my mouth again.
“How can something so small be so loud?” He groans in my ear while he thrusts into me. My toes were curling as if they had a mind of their own and he was only holding me by my waist with one hand, he’s so fucking strong.
“How can someone so big be so big-“ I groan as he resorts to moving me up and down on his cock.
“I want to torture this orgasm out of you, my love. I want to make you the same babbling mess you were last night.” His voice was deeper and he was starting to grunt with every thrust. His hand came down from my mouth and stroked my clit lazily.
“Please let me come-“
“No.”
“Thats what you said earlier and you still let me-“ I whine and he forcefully grabs my cheeks to pull my face closer toward his.
“You cum when you only know my name and nothing else.”
I squeezed on him harder.
“You like when I’m rough with you, huh.” He places his hand on my chest and I grab it and place it on my neck without flinching and gently squeezes the sides and I could feel myself squeezing his cock once more.
“No, I w-wan- come.”
“Not dumb enough my love.”
_________
“Is anything off lim-limi- limits with y-you?” I asked as he thrusts under the water while his thick cock glides in and out of me.
“No. Never.” He groans before going faster. “You’ll be the death of me, now shut up and come.” He states while circling my clit.
“I don-don’t wanna-“ I whine but was to sensitive to hold on any longer.
“Yes you do, I can feel it. And not because we’re connected.”
_________
“Yawne please!” Ao’nung cries as I slide down further.
I’d mentioned riding once and he had been asking every single day if we could try it, but I wasn’t sure how feasable it would be, only because he’s huge and the thigh strength I’d need would need to come fro Eywa herself.
“This isn’t easy for me either!” I groan and completely slid down his cock and met his hips. Realization hits me as he hugs my body into his own.
“No you better not-“
“I’m coming~” He moans in my ear and it triggered my own orgasm.
_________
“Quiet my love.” Ao’nung shushes me.
“Please,” I beg and he thrusts harshly into me and I moan again.
“I love you-“ He states in English.
“Nga yawne lu oer-“ I whine back as he circles my clit with his thumb. He slams back in again.
“I like seeing you fucked dumb, my love.” He responds in English again and I’m going crazy.
“How bad do you want to come?” He asks in Na’vi and I can’t comprehend the question at all and babble some nonsense.
“I need you to come, sweet girl.” He coo’s and covers my mouth to muffle my sounds with his own in a deep heated kiss.
“Thats it, my love,” He coo’s as he joins me, still managing to gently caress my cheeks at his highest point of euphoria.
_________
“Have you told her it was an aphrodisiac?” Neytiri asks and Lo’ak rolls his eyes.
“Yes Ma’am.” He replies.
“Good.” Ronal states while working on cutting the fruit she had.
“Was this necessary?” Tsireya asks while sneaking a couple of the fruit pieces for herself since she was expecting.
“All the necessary, my sweet girl.” Ronal stated to her daughter.
“If not for that small lie they would not be sneaking around horribly and procreating like they are.” Neytiri points out.
“They’re sneaking around in public and doing that?” Taireya’s eyes widen In shock and Lo’ak laughs.
“Of course they are. Just the other day, Ao’nung said he couldn’t come hunting because he had to pick some tulip thorns from the tree’s for her. They grow in the ground.”
Ronal laughs at this too and shakes her head.
“Maybe she will become pregnant soon like us.” Kiri happily continues creating medicine or saves from the peels of the fruit.
“Human male and Hybrid Na’vi can procreate. Lets see if Na’vi nale and hybrid Na’vi can do the same.” Ronal smiles.
“I believe they can. Our world is changing.” Neytiri comments.
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bucksangel · 4 months
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don't worry, darling
pairing: avenger!bucky x civilian!reader
word count: 3.3k
summary: even though bucky is mostly healed, that doesn’t mean his nightmares go away. and a particular grueling mission brings back memories he’d rather forget. 
warnings: angsttttt, hella fluff at the end though, hurt/comfort, talk of bucky’s trauma and abuse, brief mentions of murder of a hydra agent (he deserves it), nightmares, reader is here to love and comfort bucky, also civil war and everything after didn’t happen and they all live at the tower and everything is fine bc i said so
a/n: even though this does not contain smut, my blog is 18+ so minors dni. also i wanted to write something short and sweet to get my creative juices flowing and yet, as always, i managed to go overboard
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It started with a whimper, a small one. Barely detectable if you weren’t already awake and snuggled against Bucky’s body. He’s lying on his side facing you with you mirroring his position, arms wrapped around each other and your head tucked into his chest. You’ve been having a hard time sleeping for the last week and a half due to Bucky being gone on a mission that didn’t allow him to contact you at all. Your restless nights were mostly due to worrying over your boyfriend’s safety, something you always do whenever he leaves. It was worse this time around, though.
It was a day before he was supposed to leave, and you knew you weren’t supposed to listen in on other people’s private conversations, but you just couldn’t help yourself. You’d come home early from work one day to find Steve and Bucky in your shared home office, stopping outside the door and getting ready to knock when you overheard something about an upcoming mission. It seemed pretty important so you decided not to interrupt them, though you couldn’t force yourself to walk away.
You’re never allowed to know anything about what Bucky’s missions entail, and some part of you wanted to listen in on their conversation to hopefully ease any worries about what might be happening to him since you’ll have a general idea of where they’re going and what they’re doing. 
According to Steve, although it was going to be a four-day mission, it was supposed to be relatively simple. Or, it would’ve been simple if it weren’t for the fact that the building they were being sent to scout was an old Hydra facility somewhere in Russia. The same Hydra facility where Bucky was held captive.
Upon hearing this piece of information you wanted to barge into the room and tell Steve off for letting Bucky be a part of this mission. It’s been nearly five years since he escaped and Bucky has mostly readjusted, has recovered from his trauma as much as one can after being tortured for decades. And you’ll be damned if anything jeopardizes that progress.
But you’d also overheard Bucky agreeing with the plans, helping Steve strategize, and going over all the information that needed to be obtained. And it wasn’t your place to tell Bucky what he could and couldn’t do. As much as you wanted to demand that he not go, he was his own person. And if he thought he could handle this mission then you’d have to find a way to support him.
The four-day mission turned into eight and by the sixth day with still no contact, you’d marched into the tower and demanded Fury call you with any and all updates he received. He said he would in a tone that made you believe he wouldn’t give you every detail, but it did help reassure you that if anything happened to Bucky then you wouldn’t be kept totally in the dark. It was nerve-wracking in the worst way, obsessively thinking over what Bucky could be going through - physically and mentally.
But on the eighth day, Fury had called you on your lunch break at work to tell you that Bucky was on his way back to the Tower and would probably be back at your apartment by early evening after the briefing and check-up in the medical wing.
All of your nerves and anxieties that built up over the last week were immediately replaced with relief flooding your body, your heart finally unclenching at knowing that Bucky would be back in a few short hours. One good thing about your job is that you don’t technically need to be in the office every day. As long as you get your work done you’re pretty much given free rein to leave whenever you want, and you’d finished your stack of paperwork maybe fifteen minutes before the phone call.
You gathered up your things quickly and stopped by your boss's office to wish her a good weekend, then made your way to your car to head home. Your heartbeat was increasing ever so slightly the closer you got to your apartment, and you had to remind yourself to focus on driving instead of daydreaming of being back in Bucky’s arms.
When you did finally get home, you made quick work of cleaning the entire apartment; changing your bed sheets, doing laundry, then pulling out food from the fridge to make dinner. You’d actually just gotten the chicken out of the oven when the front door opened, and your excitement at finally seeing your boyfriend again forced you to run out of the kitchen and down the hall. But you stopped a good six feet from the door, standing still at seeing Bucky’s bruised face and scabbed knuckles.
“Bucky?” You asked softly, finally noticing the spacey look in his eyes, the way they seemed to be glazed over.
Bucky smiled at you, though it was more of a grimace, and you could tell it was mostly forced but he still wanted to acknowledge you. He approached you slowly, and you stood still so you would not startle him - he just seemed so on edge. He stopped not even a foot away from you, had stared down at you with a look in his eyes you hoped you would never see again - it was such an empty gaze, almost emotionless. There was no life in his eyes. It didn’t feel like the dead gaze was directed at you specifically, it was more like Bucky just couldn’t muster up any emotion at all.
That’s when you knew. Something went wrong.
Slowly, he brought up his right hand and placed it on the back of your head, tilting it up so he could really look at you, letting his gaze linger on your lips. Instead of kissing them, he leans forward to press a kiss on your forehead, wrapping his left arm around your waist and pulling you into his chest. He didn’t speak as he slowly tucked you into his body, and you didn’t dare break the silence either, you simply wrapped your arms around his body as well, squeezing him tightly to let him know that you were there. You were there for him - physically, mentally, and emotionally, and you needed him to know that.
After maybe five minutes of no one speaking, of simply standing in the front hallway embracing each other, you decided to finally say something.
“I made dinner,” You whispered, running one of your hands up and down Bucky’s back. You pulled your head off of his chest but didn’t loosen your hold. “Chicken and mashed potatoes. I even made apple pie.”
Bucky’s mouth twitched again, and his attempted smile felt a little more genuine this time. His glassy eyes were filled with tears now, and he seemed oh so close to crying. You’d never seen him like this before, he was always happy, and smiling, even on days when he wouldn’t say it but you knew he still resented himself for his time as the soldier he would indulge in his hobbies to help him cope. But you’ve never seen him shut down before, and this is what this felt like.
You weren’t too sure how to help him, how to comfort him. But you had an inkling he might need some time to himself.
“How about you go shower and I can put the food away for later,” You said with a soft smile, speaking up again before Bucky had the chance to feel guilty, “I ate a couple of hours ago, I’m fine baby. Go shower.”
You lifted up on your toes and placed a soft kiss on his cheek, letting him squeeze you to his chest one more time before he released you, slumping off down the hall to the bathroom.
That was two days ago, and Bucky hasn’t spoken more than a few words at a time since. Now, it’s not like he’s avoiding you, he’s actually a little more clingy than he normally is. You can tell he wants to say something, to tell you what had happened, he just doesn’t know how. He hasn’t told you everything about what happened to him during his time as the soldier, but you know enough and don’t push him to say anything he doesn’t want to.
At night, Bucky will go out onto the small terrace outside of your apartment and stare up at the stars for hours. You don’t sit with him for all of it, just for about one hour - cuddled close to his body and talking softly and mindlessly about anything you can think of, anything that might help Bucky open up. Then, around nine or ten, you’ll give him a lingering kiss on his cheek, one on his temple, and one final kiss on his lips before going to bed, letting Bucky be alone with himself and his thoughts.
Tonight, though, Bucky’s decided to climb into bed with you soon after dinner. You both showered together, washing each other’s bodies and sharing a few lingering kisses under the spray of the shower head. You didn’t go any further, but you did make sure to spend extra time massaging his shoulders and back, placing kisses everywhere you could reach.
It’s one in the morning now, and you hear another whimper. Bucky shifts beside you, tightening his hold on you ever so slightly. Another whine. 
“Bucky?” You whisper, careful to not disturb the silence too much.
He responds with a mumbled ‘please’. Then, ‘no’.
“Buck? Baby?” You say a little louder, shifting in his hold but not able to move much due to his arms being wound around your body.
He shudders, pulling you further into him as his breathing picks up. He’s having a nightmare. Now, despite him being mostly healed, he still does have nightmares. They’ve lessened over the years, but they never truly go away.
When he’s in this mindset, you’re careful not to move too much and startle him awake. So, you simply shimmy your arm from under one of his so you can push on his chest and gently ease him onto his back. It takes a little more force than you’d like, but you’re eventually able to lay him flat on his back and untangle your body from his.
“Baby?” You whisper a little louder, placing your hand on the side of his face and rubbing your thumb along his cheekbone. “Bucky.”
He groans; louder, desperate. He’s in pain. You run your hand down his face, down his neck, then land on his chest, right above his heart. It’s increased rapidly, and you can see beads of sweat coat his forehead.
“Bucky.” Your voice is pleading, and you push on his chest a little, now hoping to startle him awake before it gets worse. You don’t want to keep him in this nightmare, so you shake him again.
“Bu-” You’re stopped short by him gasping, his eyes shooting open and his body lifting off the bed slightly as he wakes up. Relief fills your body, and you sigh gratefully. You hate when he’s in pain, whether physical or mental, but you hate not being able to do anything about it even more.
Bucky doesn’t move right away, he squeezes his eyes closed and clenches his fists momentarily. Then, when you place your hand on his cheek, his whole body goes limp, relaxing into the sheets under your touch.
“Baby,” He whispers hoarsely. “I…” He chokes back a sob, and you’re quick to adjust yourselves so you’re laying on your back and he’s laying almost entirely on top of you with his head on your chest right above your heart. He starts crying then, really crying. His arms wrap themselves around your midsection, and you wrap yours around his body as well, cradling him close to you.
“It’s okay, darling. It’s okay, you’re okay,” You mumble into his ear, pressing kisses anywhere you can reach. You continue cooing at him, whispering reassurances and declarations of love until his cries taper off into small whimpers and sniffles. You’re really worried now. Yeah, Bucky isn’t shy about expressing his emotions, and you’ve held him after nightmares and through the aftermath of difficult missions when he comes home disheartened. But he’s never been so vulnerable, and you want nothing more than to hold him close and protect him from everything bad in the world.
Silence envelops the both of you for a while. You want to allow Bucky to speak when he’s ready. And he does so after a couple of minutes.
“There was an agent; Alix, I think. I - I don’t remember his last name, but…” Bucky pauses, and you take the opportunity to place a kiss on his forehead. “For the last five or so years of me being… him, Alix was there. He’d… Any time I failed a mission, he’d be there. Out of all the Hydra agents that I’ve ever come in contact with… his punishments were the worst.”  He pauses again, sniffling softly and nuzzling his face into your chest.
“I’m so sorry, darling,” You whisper, bringing your hand up to his hair so you can run your fingers through his locks. Bucky shakes his head softly, pressing a kiss to your collarbone.
“He was there. When Steve, Natasha, and I went to the facility last week, Alix was there. And he… I don’t know. I saw him and I just went blank, my mind shut off. I know I promised I wouldn’t kill anymore, I know. I just… He just hurt me so fucking much.”
Bucky starts crying again, and you have to force yourself not to cry as well. You want to be here to support him, not break down as well because then he’ll feel guilty. He always says you’re one of the most important people in his life - Steve obviously being another one - and that seeing you cry makes him want to go feral on whoever or whatever made you sad.
“I had to,” he says, muffled by his face tucking into your neck. “I just. I couldn’t not. I thought I was ready, I thought I could go there and be okay. But I wasn’t. I… He broke me.” Bucky trails off, sighing heavily before he goes quiet again, giving you time to process this information.
“Baby,” You say, prompting Bucky to hum in acknowledgment. “Can you look at me, please?”
You know it takes a lot of effort, but he does. Bucky lifts his head from your neck, looking into your eyes with overwhelming sorrow. Bending your head, you place a quick kiss on his lips.
“This might sound odd, but I’m proud of you. You thought you were healed enough to do it, you went through the planning and probably had to hype yourself up a lot to even agree to the mission. And that’s immense progress. The fact that you even felt ready, even if you ultimately weren’t, you pushed through it and finished the mission. And that’s something to be celebrated. Sometimes recovery can be set back by certain events, but that doesn’t mean that everything else you’ve accomplished is set back as well. You tried, and I’m proud of you.”
With that said, you give Bucky another kiss, lingering a little longer this time before pulling back and holding his gaze.
“And I know you promised to not kill anyone, but I don’t blame you in this situation. I don’t know what this says about me, but even though I don’t know exactly how you killed him, and I don’t think I want to honestly, I do know he deserved far worse than what you gave him. He’s just lucky I wasn’t there because I genuinely don’t know what I would have done if I saw him.”
Bucky’s mouth forms into the smallest of smiles, and you can’t help but want to burn the world to the ground if it means he was protected from the harm it brought him.
“I know you’re the man, and that, stereotypically, men are supposed to be the protector, the provider, but you also deserve to be protected, to have everything you could ever want. And I want to give that to you. I know you are your own person and you do a damn well job of taking care of yourself, but I also want to take care of you. I want to protect you from everything bad, everything that’s ever harmed you, and everything that could potentially harm you in the future.”
You place a kiss on his forehead, squeezing the arm that’s around his upper back to hug him tighter to you.
“You’re the love of my life, baby. Now and forever.”
Bucky shudders slightly, leaning up to kiss your jaw, then one to your cheek, one on the corner of your mouth, and one final kiss to your lips. Your hand continues to run through his hair, tugging at it slightly, causing your boyfriend to sigh in contentment and tighten his hold on you as well. You’re locked in the embrace for a long moment, his lips gliding over yours as the kiss remains relatively chaste. But then, he pulls away.
“Darling,” He says, and for the first time in two days, he finally looks like he’s getting back to his old self. “I - I don’t think I’m ready to talk about everything that happened during the mission right now, I kind of just want to hear you talk so I can get my mind off of it for a little if that’s okay?” He looks a bit nervous asking for that, but you’re quick to nod, offering him a smile of your own. Bucky smiles a tad bit wider and removes one of his arms from around your body so he can slowly reach up and take hold of your hand that’s still running through his hair. Stubble tickles your palm as Bucky presses his lips there, then turns his gaze up to look into your eyes.
“I can’t even describe how much I love you. It scares me, sometimes, the things I would do for you. I need you to know that I will do everything I can to make you as happy and safe as you make me. You’re just… you’re incredible. And I can’t thank you enough for how much you’ve helped me over the past two years that we’ve been together, even the entire year before we started dating when we were just friends.”
His eyes start watering for a whole other reason now. Bucky looks so damn in love that you’d think it hurt, and you would know because that’s exactly how you feel about him.
“I - I know we haven’t talked about it, and I don’t even have a ring, but I can’t ever imagine loving anyone as much as I love you. I’m devoted to you, now and forever. I don’t know how you feel, but if you’re ever willing to…” He pauses, and you feel your heartbeat increase rapidly, a sudden happiness flooding your body.
“If I were to one day ask you to marry me, would you say yes?”
You’ve never nodded faster in your life, nor have you ever said ‘yes’ so quickly to anything Bucky has asked.
The large sigh of relief your boyfriend lets out lets you know he’s probably been thinking about this for a while, and you would swear your heart is about to burst from how much you love this man as you hold him close to your chest and place absentminded kisses on his forehead, cheeks, lips, the top of his head.
Everything stays silent for a few minutes, letting the conversation taper off. That is, until Bucky puts his head back on your shoulder, lacing his fingers with yours and bringing your hands up to kiss your knuckles.
“Can you talk to me?”
Humming in agreement, you run your hand that’s still on his back up and down in a soothing motion.
“Do you want to hear about how Sam almost broke his arm last week?”
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cacaitos · 10 days
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the gen deal in SnA was crazy everyone always whining and trying to kill themselves and never doing it over feeling sad or smth and keeping things hush and on the low or wtv and then w gen (maybe up w the mother) it's like BOOM groomed BOOM murderer at 10 BOOM like 3 murder attempts after that BOOM trans realization reveal all while working that cycle of abuse (yk half the thing the story is abt) like it owned them money and also they're going to juvie and the to a psychiatrist but like. Off screen. as in the author is not even gonna show us a single frame of their face about it.
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werywrenniethoughts · 6 months
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"Security Alert!! Security Alert!!!"
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Allow me to overanalyze this ONE line and its implications if you don't mind.
Sun shouts this immediately after throwing Gregory out of the daycare. Instantly, every other main animatronic we've encountered up to this point is there, ready to grab Gregory. Their only deterrent is Glamrock Freddy. (However, it's worth noting he was "unable to reach" Gregory until that moment to prove my point.)
GUYS, I think we just got a glimpse at what could have been a standard MegaPizzaPlex emergency protocol. It's the equivalent of a panic button. JUST IMAGINE: There's a parent or relative attempting to swipe a kid from the daycare during a separation, child abuse case, etc. Sun gets that unruly person out of the daycare and sounds the alarm. All the main animatronics are then priority directed to come to the daycare to neutralize the threat while Sun protects the little ones inside. FazBear Entertainment may be shady, but I'd like to think they've come a long way at this point in the series to avoid SOME liability situations.
Even Moon is the most aggressive he is within the game directly after this moment. If you step out of Freddy on purpose or by accident (which, I did lol), Moon insta-kills you. No countdown, no warning, no idling with his cool moves. Straight up ENDS you the second you're on the ground. Normally, you're perfectly fine to walk around Moon whether you're in Freddy or not up until you hit the hour.
Sun calls someone to get you again if you attempt to go down the slide after being banned, too. In that case, I've only ever seen it be Monty pre-shattering, but I don't think anyone has tried to shatter him before Chica, so I am unsure if this would change who comes to stop you. If Monty has already been defeated, it seems to just not do anything.
(Not directly related, but, Freddy's speech explaining how the Attendant is free to roam the building when the lights are out also implies that otherwise, he is NOT allowed to leave the daycare. He is the one who WILL find you if you're in Freddy, no matter what. It's like Fazbear is purposely hardcore limiting Sun/Moon's mobility within the Plex for one reason or another.)
To see this place on a normal day of operation, pre-virus, would be so amazing. I'm just SO proud of Sun for taking such good care of his charges. A shame that after the lights were turned off during Gregory's visit, Sun felt he was safer away from him.
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angelltheninth · 1 year
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What kind of sex toys do you think Genshin men would use? On themselves or their partner.
Uh... wanna prefix this by saying I have zero, no, negative experience with this. So I'm sorry.
Pairing: Kaeya, Diluc, Itto, Xiao, Gorou, Childe, Dottore, Pantalone, Capitano, Dainsleif, Cyno, Kaveh, Al-Haitham, Zhongli x Fem!Reader
Tags: nsfw, smut, use of sex toys, teasing, orgasm control, anal sex, fingering, edging, semi-public sex, BDSM
A/N: I feel like... the variety of sex toys is only limited by the human imagination.
REMOTE CONTROLED VIBRATOR - Itto, Childe, Al-Haitham
Likes it because he can both watch you fuck yourself on it but he can also give you a little surprise with it when you start to get too comfortable. One of his hands is always free to pump his cock, or hey, your mouth's not doing much, might as well suck him off. He's doing you a favor by turning the vibrations up, you better make things even for him.
HANDCUFS, COLLARS AND LEASHES - Dottore, Capitano, Dainself
He's more into the control aspect then the playful part of it all but he can be playful too. He tugs on your collar, keeps your body tense right up until you beg him to have mercy on you. He will let up but only to watch you struggle against the cuffs as he fucks the remains of his cum into you before pulling you be your leash into a hot kiss.
DILDO - Kaeya, Pantalone, Zhongli
While he's okay with just watching you use it on yourself he gets a lot more pleasure using it on you combined with him fucking you. This will usually mean him using it to fuck your ass while his cock is busy pumping load after big load of cum into your pretty, wet, tight pussy. Stimulating both your holes at the same time but not allowing you to finish until he does. And you, like a good little slut, obey.
VIBRATING COCK RING - Diluc, Gorou
There's no better feeling for him being overstimulated together with you. He'll get himself right to the edge with the extra help of the vibrations and then stop, completely, prolonging both his and your build up. Then he'll turn on the vibrator again and repeat the process until his dick hurts from how hard it is. Only then will he take the cock ring off and fully sink into the warmth that is your pussy, a pussy that's more then happy to welcome him and his cum.
VIBRATING PANTIES - Xiao, Cyno, Kaveh
With this he can play a lot into his mischievous side, watching you trying to act normal and keep a straight face while he turns the vibrations up. At some point he decides to let you sit on his lap, let you grind against him for relief, and, if it's a relatively quiet place he will shove his hand into your underwear, making you grind against it while he fingers you and presses his hand against your aching and abused clit.
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burningvelvet · 4 months
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being a romantic era poet: a quick how-to guide
walk around in nature contemplating Things. start hiking, swimming, sailing, rowing, shooting, riding, etc. for inspiration
be obsessed with the french revolution and related enlightenment-era figures like rousseau, voltaire, mary wollstonecraft, and madame de staël. be more disappointed by napoleon bonaparte than you are by your own father. 
speaking of fathers, your parents and most of your other relatives are all either dying or dead or emotionally abusive. if you have any siblings (full, half, step, or adopted) who DIDN'T die tragically already, then you may choose to be close to them. you also may end up being much TOO close to them. various circumstances may also ban you from seeing them. 
be at least slightly touched by madness and/or some other severe illness(es) including but not limited to: consumption, horrors, syphilis, deformities, lameness, terrors, piles, boils, pox, allergies, coughing, sleep abnormalities, gonorrhea, etc. — for which you must take frequent bed rest and copious amounts of Laudanum (opium derivation)
consider foregoing meat and adopting a vegetable diet instead to purify the spirits. you may also abstain from alcohol for the same reasons. alternatively, you may attempt the veggie diet, end up rejecting it, and becoming a rampant alcoholic instead. in romanticism there is no healthy medium between abstinence and excess.
reject, or at least heavily criticize, christianity. refuse to get married in a church and consider becoming a fervent champion of atheism. alternatively, you may embrace catholicism, but only on an aesthetic basis. eastern religions and minority religions are also acceptable, only because they piss off the christians. 
if you’re not a self-hating member of the aristocracy and instead have to work for a living, do something that allows you to benefit society, be creative, and/or contemplate life. viable options include, but are not limited to: apothecarist, doctor, teacher, preacher, lawyer, farmer, printmaker, publisher, editor. there is also the possibility of earning a few coins from your art. if you were cursed to be born a She, no worries. we believe in equality. you may choose from these occupations: wife, nanny, housekeeper, spinster, amanuensis (copy writer for a man), lady’s companion, divorced wife, singer/actress/escort, widow, regular escort, tutor, or housewife. 
speaking of sexist institutions, try rejecting marriage entirely. Declare your eternal devotion to your lover by having sex with them on your mother’s grave instead.
if you do get married — elope, and only let it be for necessary financial reasons, or to try and save a teenage girl from her controlling family, or out of true love with someone you view as your intellectual equal, or because your life is so racked with scandals and debt that you can only clear your name by matrimony to a wealthy religious woman as your last resort before fleeing the country.
After marriage, quickly assert your belief in the powers of free love and bisexuality by taking extramarital lovers and suggesting your spouse follow suit. If they cannot keep up with your intellectual escapades then consider leaving them. Later on, propose a platonic friendship with them following the separation, or beg them for reconciliation.
If your marriage is happy, try moving in with another bohemian couple to shake things up. Alternatively, you may die before the wedding for dramatic effect.
If you beget children (whether in or out of marriage, makes no matter), do society a favor by choosing to raise them with your beliefs. Consider adopting orphan children, or even non-orphan children. If their parents are poor enough they probably won’t mind. Try kidnapp— I mean adopting — children off the side of the road if you can. 
DIE but do it creatively. ideally young. ideas: prophecy your own death, lead an army into war and then die right before your first battle and on your deathbed curse everyone and demand to see a witch, write a will leaving money to your mistresses or some random young man you have an unrequited romantic obsession with, carry a copy of your dead friend's poetry and read it right before you drown so that your washed up corpse can only be identified by his book in your pocket, die while staring at your lover's shriveled up heart that you keep wrapped up in a copy of his own poetry and then be buried with it, die of the poet's illness (consumption) while your artist friend draws you and then be buried with your lover's writing, get mysteriously poisoned (by yourself) after a series of scandals and accidents and then have your family announce that you were killed by god, die from romanticizing poverty or receiving bad reviews from literary critics, die from walking or horseback riding in the cold and the rain while poeticizing, etc.
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jymwahuwu · 5 months
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HSR ramblings navigation
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These are a collection of my replies, ramblings, and thirsts content. Some were not individually warned because were just shared within the blog at the time. Here's a lot of DARK CONTENT, including but not limited to:
yandere, non-con/dub-con, harassment, breaking into reader's home, coercion, abuse of power, forced pregnancy, etc.
Please note that these may be very short / sweet / too dark. Be careful not to get triggered.
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Jing Yuan:
yan!jing yuan who takes… provocative pictures of himself to send to reader, but the caption is just so wholesome
what if we exit Xianzhou luofu to lets say another Xianzhou ship
yandere! jing yuan is actually tolerant
What if darling was a hybrid or something (Lion,leopard, something related to his pet)
Jing Yuan is definitely lucid as a yandere but acts like he isn't
Jing Yuan’s requirements for a good wife
Taking a nap with Jing Yuan
Jing Yuan appreciates your obedience
what would happen if Jing Yuan's hologram and your hologram fuck?
jing yuan celebrates your birthday
jing yuan keeps harassing you even if you change your phone number
praise him for being handsome and beautiful
will jing yuan allow you to visit your relatives?
what if darling was a hybrid or something (Lion,leopard, something related to his pet)
need Jing Yuan to sit down and tell me what he expects from me
Why does Jing Yuan want darling who likes to do housework, when there are servants in the general's mansion?
you need jing yuan to be your "fake boyfriend" to avoid the harasser
big data partner matching service
Jing Yuan with a darling who’s in charge of a civilization
what if Jing Yuan wronged darling in the past
If we are stubborn and talk back often, Jing Yuan has a "special response"
jing yuan and darling who don’t care if he is yandere
obsessed jing yuan x idol reader + additional descriptions
CW: yandere, non-con, kidnapping, recordings without permission
Use debt to stop some of Jing Yuan’s clingy behaviors
Jing Yuan may have posted your missing person notices all over the streets of Xianzhou
taking advantage of the fact that you don't understand the Xianzhou language and characters
how unethical and inappropriate it may be to fall in love with a short-lived species
series (living with jing yuan):
jing yuan eats ice cream with us in summer
jing yuan can put us on his shoulders
general is choosing beautiful flowers for us at the florist
jing yuan supervises you to complete jing yuan x you fanfic creation
series (harassment):
jing yuan masturbates to you while you sleep
about underwear
jing yuan slowly molests a beta darling
jing yuan does something shameless and sweet and we just can’t do anything about it
jing yuan fantasizing over reader eating a popsicle
received dick photo from jing yuan
series (thirsts about updated plot):
darling from Interastral Peace Corporation was forced to serve jing yuan
CW: dub-con, abuse of power
lustful heliobu possessed you
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Blade:
blade’s duality
quietly create a pair of "couple swords"
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Dan Heng:
want him to tie you up and humiliate
dan heng wants you to help keep warm
yandere Dan Heng noticing that his darling started to refuse eating for her freedom
Dan Heng use his tail to express more love language
traditional darling hopes that dan heng can follow traditional etiquette and hold a wedding
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Dan Feng:
yandere!Dan Heng and isekai!immortal!hydra!human form!reader
Dan Feng wants you to wear more conservative clothes
about phoenix
Dan Feng and his moon rabbit darling
Dan Feng taming/disciplining a 'savage' draconic darling
Multiple characters:
What if reader who's "causal" clothes are revealing?
you are dan feng’s immortal concubine (dan feng, jing yuan and ying xing share you together)
genshin darling transported to hsr universe
crossdressing!reader in the military
CW: yandere, non-con, sexist, forced pregnancy, war (mentioned but not described), (implied) gangbang
The impact of blade, jing yuan and dan feng on your social life
their kinks
genshin! darling has tight clothes to wear
dan feng and jing yuan’s parenting style
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