#no character will ever compare not even castiel sorry

[cannibalismpdf]

epic gamer moment: playing gta again for the first time in weeks

[autisticandroids]

not to become a disciple or something. but do you have any media recommendations, like books/films/shows. because i like the way you think. sorry for mass rbing btw

Smiley also knew, or thought he knew - the idea came to him now as a mild enlightenment - that Bill in turn was also very little by himself: that while his admirers - Bland, Prideaux, Alleline, Esterhase, and all the rest of the supporters' club - might find in him completeness, Bill's real trick was to use them, to live through them to complete himself; here a piece, there a piece, from their passive identities: thus disguising the fact that he was less, far less, than the sum of his apparent qualities… and finally submerging this dependence beneath an artist's arrogance, calling them the creatures of his mind…

this passage from tinker, tailor, soldier, spy is what i think of every time anyone tries to put me on a pedestal as Tumblr User Autisticandroids. like genuinely my main skill is making connections with other people and essentially propping myself up through them, though of course i don't really do it on purpose.

anyway unfortunately my taste in media isn't going to contain what you want i don't think. i'm going to give you an extremely random list of things i like. not favorites, but just stuff i enjoy.

my favorite episode of star trek: the next generation is season six episode fourteen "face of the enemy," but if you're going to actually get involved with star trek i would recommend deep space nine instead. when i want to alienate people i put on an episode of the prisoner (1967) because i love that show but it's deeply unenjoyable. i unironically think kill la kill is a great anime. the private life of plants is probably the tv series i've seen the most times.

talking to you, talking to me by the watson twins is underappreciated and contains some of my favorite pieces of music. however, the only thing i've listened to lately is the rise and fall of ziggy stardust and the spiders from mars by david bowie because it's a castiel thesis to me.

passing by nella larsen is one of my favorite books ever, and when i first read it i had this free online version where you could actually turn the pages, i think it was this version. i think speaker for the dead is wildly underrated but feel vaguely guilty about recommending orson scott card. a bad book that has brought me a lot of joy lately is absolute friends by john le carre. as a kid i really like the underland chronicles by suzanne collins. a while ago i read the three body trilogy by liu cixin and while the second one dragged and was rather poorly translated, i enjoyed the first for its creativity, classic scifi feel, and understated spookiness, and i enjoyed the third for its dark camp and comparatively strongly drawn characters. even the second had acceptable elements, but mostly because i was tickled by the fact that it reminded me a little of the futurological congress by stanislaw lem.

i just finished relistening to the white vault, a horror podcast which i like a lot but am more ambivalent about now that i know the ending (it wasn't finished the first time i listened). if you hate horror, my favorite non-fiction podcast is you're wrong about.

my favorite source for horror short stories is the scp foundation, and here are some faves.

my favorite movie is alice (1988) dir. jan svankmajer, which is an adaptation of alice in wonderland. it's very much a childhood nostalgia watch for me, unbelievable as that might seem. here's a link, but this version is in czech with english subtitles, so you might have to scout around if you want the english version. not that this movie has much dialogue. a rather eclectic selection of other movies i've liked that i just thought of in the last ten minutes is bride of re-animator (1989), x-men (2000), d.e.b.s. (2004), mirrormask (2005), isolation (2005), the host (2006), hard revenge millie (2009), black swan (2010), excision (2012), the handmaiden (2016), and swallow (2019). my movie taste is probably the closest you'll get in terms of media recs that you might enjoy based on my blog, since i hate movies and can only be tempted to watch them if they cater to me. but also big trigger warnings for some of those lmao.

[seeingteacupsindragons]

I saw someone sayin sherliam is queerbait,do you think it's true ? What's a queerbait anyway,do you have exemples to compare what is a queerbait and what is not?

I just read this and wanted to log off the internet forever. People just do not know what queerbait means anymore, do they?

No. Sherliam is not queerbait. Despite the fact that there's thick queer subtext for them that's really verging the surface to straight up "text" at this point, that's...not...what queerbait is.

Queerbait is not, "The two boys didn't kiss." Queerbait is not, "Well, a lot of people ship this, but they're not dating." Queerbait is not, "I wanted this ship to happen and it won't." Queerbait is not, "The creators put tons of queer subtext in this but weren't able to make things more explicit than that due to censorship and powers that be, or thought it would be odd to do so."

Queerbait is, "This series was marketed as queer and then it wasn't." Queerbait is, "This series was sold to queer people as representation to get them on board, and then bait-and-switched."

Queerbait is Disney going "Here's our seventh first out gay character, because you all rightfully called us out when the last one wasn't really queer in the text anywhere! Whoops sorry about that!"

Queerbait is the CW going, "Wink, who knows, Castiel and Dean might get together if you keep watching~" even though they never for one second considered doing that ever.

Queerbait is a marketing thing. Can anyone ever explain to me how YuuMori is ever marketed as queer? Yes, lately some of the covers and things have been leaning very heavily on Sherlock and William's relationship and the romantic text/subtext between them, but how is it a bait-and-switch, when it's just showcasing something that's actually being provided? How is it a bait-and-switch when no one promised us or even hinted at giving us anything?

YuuMori is not baiting a readership with something it is then refusing to provide to string along a fanbase it ultimately disrespects and throws under the bus.

Which is what queerbait is.

[rowyn-writes]

Star Struck (Castiel x Angel!Reader)

Warnings: Language, a splash of angst, a little bit of fluff, make out scene

Pairings: Castiel x Angel!Reader

Characters: Cas, Sam, Dean, Gabriel, Jack (mentioned only) Mary (mentioned only)

Word Count: 1.6k

Summary: When the Winchester's and Cas call on you for your help, Cas can't help but be star struck by your presence.

Requested by: @danitisx

You roamed the streets Dublin, Ireland. Fascinated by the beautiful scenery and amazing culture.

"It's wonderful, isn't it?" A handsome man beside you asked.

"Indeed." You agreed. "Do you live around here?"

"Yeah, just up the road a couple of blocks. I've lived here my entire life. What about you? Where are you from?"

"Uh," You laughed as you scratched the back of your head. "I'm from the States. New York." You decided. It's not exactly like you could tell him you were an Archangel from Heaven.

"I'm Charlie, by the way." He gave you a cheeky grin.

"Y/N." You introduced yourself.

"Would you like to go out for a drink?"

"I would l-" You broke off as you felt a strange tug on your body. "Damn."

You were surrounded by a circle if Holy fire. You took in your surroundings. You seemed to be in some sort of emergency bunker. "What in Dad's name." You mumbled. "Alright, whoever summoned me here, if you don't show yourself, I'll smite you!" You growled, trying your best to be intimidating.

"Y/N." A soft voice said.

You whirled around to see a familiar angel. "Castiel." You breathed. "You're the one who summoned me here? Why?" You tilted your head to the side, similar to how Castiel would do whenever he was confused.

Two other familiar men emerged from around the corner. "Winchester's. Hello."

"Y/N. Good to see you again." Sam nodded.

"Ya know, if you wanted me here so badly, you could've called instead of summoning me here with a ring of holy fire. Which, by the way, is extremely uncomfortable."

"Sorry," Dean shrugged, throwing a glass of water, extinguishing the fire. "Precautionary measure."

"Fair enough." You slid off your black over coat and set it on the back of a chair. "So, what can I do for you boys? Do you need an elixir of some sort? An herb, perhaps? A spell?"

"They need some of your grace."

Your eyes darted from Castiel's over to him. You thought he was dead, long dead. This didn't make sense.

"You."

"Me." Gabriel smirked. "Hello, little sister. Long time no see."

"Yeah," You scoffed, raising your voice. "Long time no see because you dumbass got yourself killed by our brother! Or so I thought. Because to me, you look perfectly fine."

You trembled with anger. You had thought your brother was dead. You mourned him for so long. You cried for him, and there he was, alive and healthy. For now.

"Y/N-" He sighed.

"No! You don't get to talk, asshat!" You growled. "You let me believe you were dead for years! I cried for you, I prayed to you, to Dad! And there you are, fine and dandy."

Sam, Dean and Cas stepped back a little, giving you and your brother some space. Out of everyone, they understood family problems.

"You son of a bitch!" You screamed, using your powers to slam Gabriel into a wall. He gave out a small grunt as his back hit the cold brick wall. "You let me think you were dead! How could you?!" You clenched your fist, making it harder for Gabriel to breathe. "You were my best friend! My brother! And you heard how much pain I was in and decided to let me keep suffering! You insufferable dick!" Your eyes were glowing a bright blue.

"Y/N!" Castiel called your name, trying to calm you down. "Y/N! Stop." He rested a hand on your shoulder, squeezing lightly. "You need to calm down. Let Gabriel explain."

"You guys have ten minutes to explain everything that's going on before I get my ass out of here and never come back."

The men sat you down and explained everything that happened in your absence. Including your nephew.

"You're telling me Lucifer has a son?" You questioned. "Someone actually wanted to have sex with my brother?"

"Uh, well, Kelly thought that Lucifer was the President." Sam coughed.

"The Presid-" You cut yourself off. "Okay. . . Clearly I've missed a lot. So, you want me to give you some of my grace in order to get Jack and your mother back?"

"Yes." Dean nodded. "You're our only option left. Gabriel tried to help, but most of his grace was drained by Asmodeus and it'll take time to replenish."

"Fine. I'll help."

"Really?" Cas said hopefully. "You'll help us?"

"Of course." You gave him a gentle smile. "Jack is my nephew after all. He needs a female figure in his life. And I refuse to let him be corrupted by Lucifer. My brother won't have any contact with Jack if I can help it."

"Why do you care so much about Jack?" Dean asked, his eyebrows furrowed. "You've never met him."

"Doesn't mean I love him any less. He's family. And until recently, I thought everyone I loved was dead. So I can deal with the fatigue and snappiness that comes with losing some of my grace."

"Thank you." Cas said gratefully. "Thank you so much."

"Okay." You took a deep breath. "Could I get some help with extracting my grace? I'd do it myself, but I can be a bit squeamish." You looked over at the beautiful blue eyed man in a trench coat. "Would you help me?"

"Oh," Cas seemed to be flustered. "O-of course." 

You grabbed the tool and headed into an empty bedroom. "Okay, let's get this over with." You said, pushing your hair to one side of you shoulder to let Castiel extract your grace. "Just. . . Be gentle, okay?"

Cas nodded, still seeming unnerved. "You're scared. Why?"

"Well. . . You're one of the most powerful angels to ever walk the earth. You were one of God's favorites and most trusted. You led an entire army of angels into battle with demons. You banished the Princes of Hell back into Hell. You're amazing!"

You gave Cas a soft smile. "That's very sweet of you, Castiel. But I'm not the same angel anymore. I'm certainly not Father's favorite anymore. He was the one that cast me out of Heaven after he found out I had relations with a human. I'm not amazing. I'm ordinary."

"Well, you're extraordinary to me. You're helping us get Jack and Mary back. Even though you don't have to."

"It's the least I can do." You dismissed him with a wave of your hand. "You and the Winchester's have saved the world more than once. Granted, you almost ended it as well, but at least you fixed it. Plus, I can tell these people mean a lot to you."

"They do. They're my family."

"And I'm very happy that you've found your family, Castiel." You cupped his face in both of your hands. "You were a wonderful servant to Heaven, and an even better leader when the time came. You deserve to be happy after all the havoc that's happened to you." You pulled away, resting your hands in you lap.

"You would have been far better than I was. You are a good angel, and an amazing leader."

"I'm no better than Lucifer."

"Y/N," Castiel said in astonishment. "You are nothing compared to Lucifer. You are compassionate and kind. You care about people."

"But when the world was ending, I was off galavanting around the world. And when people were in danger and dying, I turned a blind eye and let it all happened!" You cried, tears rolling down your cheeks. "If I don't help, then I'm part of the problem, Castiel. I yelled at Gabriel for disappearing, but I did the exact same thing. I left, I left Heaven, my brother's, all of the other angels, I left them. For a jackass human that never really loved me. So you ask me why I'm doing this for you? I'm doing it because I've never done anything good in my existence. Ending that war with the demons, sure, it saved humans in the long run, but I never cared about that. I was just following Dad's orders. Like a good little soldier."

"Y/N," Cas began.

"Just. . . Take my grace. . . Please?"

Castiel frowned as he gingerly brushed your hair aside. "This might sting." He warned as he plunged the extractor into your neck. You winced, gripping your leg in order to cope with the pain. Cas ended up getting five vials filled with your grace.

"It should replenish eventually, but it might take some time."

You went to stand up, but immediately felt lightheaded. Cas came behind you, holding you up. You inhibitions were lowered when you lost grace, and this time was no exception.

"Has anyone ever told you you have the most beautiful eyes?" You smiled. "They're like the ocean."

Castiel's face tinted pink and he gave a sheepish grin. "Thank you, Y/N. You have very beautiful eyes as well."

"Is that the only thing you find attractive about me, Castiel?" You ran a finger along the length of his arm.

"I- Um. . ." The angel was flustered once again. "Well, o-of course there are other things attractive about you. You're gorgeous. Your lips are perfect, t-they look very soft."

"Why don't you find that out yourself." You smirked. You pulled Cas down by his tie, his lips meeting yours.

Castiel was hesitant at first, and you knew he never really understood kissing. You moved your lips against his, and he finally understood. You didn't even know you had been moving until your back hit the brick wall.

You hands got tangled in his dark hair, while his wrapped around your waist.

There was a loud bang at the door, making Cas pull away from you. "If you're done making out with my sister, we kind of need this show on the road." Gabriel called from the other side of the door.

"Cockblocker." You grumbled. "That was one hell of a kiss, Cas. We should do it again sometime." You gave him a wink as you headed back to the library.

"I need a cold shower."

[luxshine]

Supernatural and the Dark Tower... Or how some writers are better gods than others.

The Dark Tower, by Stephen King, has a very interesting take on endings at the end of the seven book long journey Roland the Gunslinger took to reach the title Dark Tower.   I was going to write it all but it’s about two pages long, and if you haven’t read the books it may not make much sense. However, the main take is that there is no such thing as happy endings, but there are endings that are happy enough. That the ending he gave us, with Roland reaching the tower, and Susannah meeting Eddie and Jake in Central Park is one of those, and that if we, his Constant Readers, go on reading the last pages of the Coda, we will be “disappointed, perhaps even heartbroken”. That “Endings are heartless. Ending is just another word for goodbye.”

I keep thinking about those lines when I think of Supernatural’s 15x19 and 15x20.

15x19 is not a perfect ending. I mean, we’re still missing people, Jack saying he’ll be hands off is not really nice, and Cas is still in the Empty. BUT we have hope. The Brothers are free. And just as we can imagine (And King tells us it might happen) how Susannah and Eddy and Jake may meet a dog version of Oy (If you’ve read the books, it makes sense. If not, well, just trust me that it is a happy situation), we can picture Dean hitting the books, and he and Sam finding a way to get Castiel back, human or angelic depending on your preferred tea, and Sam reuniting with Eileen. And afterwards? Well, you decide. Whatever happens, we still have hope.

It’s not Happily Ever After, but as King says, it’s good enough. We could’ve stopped there and pick our own ending. But of course, there’s still 15x20. And when we saw it, we were certainly disappointed, even if we weren’t heartbroken (I was, but I digress)

Just as King warned us not to keep going in the Dark Tower Coda, someone should’ve warned us not to keep going to the end of Supernatural. And here, doing a full circle on the meta, I warn you that if you keep reading, I will go on spoilers for The Dark Tower AND Supernatural (Of course, if you got to Supernatural 15x20 and are heartbroken over it… you probably remember what happened in seasons 4, 5 and 9 so … those wouldn’t be spoilers)

If you’re still with me, I am sorry, I am about to go on a long, long diatribe about how the Dark Tower is an amazing meta tale, even if the end made me cry in public for the first time in years while reading a book. And how Supernatural, by accident or by intent, tried to do the same and kind of went the wrong way in Albuquerque when it could’ve been a lot better.

Yes, Supernatural could’ve been better than a Stephen King book, and that coming from me is high, HIGH praise.

See, The Dark Tower is a tale about well, a lot of things, but in the axis, in the tower, so to speak, is a tale about tales. About stories and how we relate to fiction and about how we, the readers, relate to fiction. Of course, this is REALLY subtextual, since the actual story is about a sort of medieval cowboy traveling across dimensions to save the axis of existence.

It’s a complicated series of books.

In any case, around book 6, Roland, our cowboy, ends up in the real world. Our real world. And he meets Stephen King, OUR Stephen King (Well, a douchier version of King, to be fair), who upon being confronted by his own characters has a big ego boost and declares himself a god.

Pretty much like Chuck did back in the Monster at the End of the Book, except that there, he changed his mind pretty quickly and went back to his “meek prophet” disguise. King didn’t, by the way, and Roland left that world even LESS impressed than the Winchesters with their own author.

Now, we all know that at the End of season 5, it so happened that Chuck WAS God, and we got confirmation back in season 9 when he still liked fan fiction and his characters, apparently, until he went all megalomaniac “I am a God and I can destroy you if you don’t follow my plot”… thing is? King did the opposite.

See, The characters had to go back to the real world to save King from a drunk truck driver that ran over him in real life. In the book, one of the characters even sacrifices himself for it. But now, King is no longer so full of himself that he thinks he’s a god and he deserves said sacrifice. He admits he, as a writer, is only telling the story that the real god, in this case Gan, lets him see. He only has keys to peek through doors of reality, and what he writes, is what he sees. Not what he wants, not what he thinks is better, but what the CHARACTERS want.

So yeah, the opposite of Chuck.

But then, The Dark Tower goes a bit further. Once again, comparing ends, the End of Supernatural left us empty because it WAS a Goodbye. A bad one too as it left us with absolute no hope (except for those fix it fics where Dean goes and finds out why his angel is ghosting him in Heaven, for fucks sake, and Sam’s blurry face wife is Eileen, but those are FICS. Not the story). The story ends with Sam and Dean dead, in a Heaven that may be as well Earth-lite as far as we know, but we have no real way of knowing if it’s not just a bigger version of the original “repeat your happy memories ad nauseaum”

No change, no free will. No to be Continued, no hope of a better life. Just… End. Bye. Nothing more to see.

The end to the Dark Tower is equally heartbreaking ,but at the same time, a bit more hopeful.

Because in that universe, characters whose stories end? If they keep going, they go back to the beginning. Not to the beginning of time, or of their lives but to the Beginning of THEIR Story. For one brief moment they know this is happening, that they’re back in that first opening sentence, that they will have to suffer through all of it again UNCHANGING and all the joy will happen, but also all the sadness. All the tragedy. And then they forget. And the story starts again, because the story is a book, and a book can only have one plot, one ending, and re-reading it won’t change what happened.

Roland cries and begs for mercy, but the Tower is unmoving and he goes back. We, the Readers, go Back.

EXCEPT

There’s a tiny, small change from the “beginning” we read now, to the beginning we read in the first book. We’re told that the time we read was not the first time, that Roland has done this a thousand times before. But this time, we went with him, so he gets a small change, a tiny thing, but big because, in Roland subconscious, may mean that this time, the story will be different. So we’re left with a tiny bit of hope, despite how badly we were crushed seconds before.

And Supernatural could’ve given us that. Not the same of course, not with Dean or Sam (Let’s be honest, it would’ve been probably Sam, given how much the writer’s room loved him) waking up in the pilot, Remembering all that happened, and knowing that they can’t really change it because it was already written, but then noticing they already have the Colt, or Ruby’s knife. Or perhaps they have the key to the bunker and a map already. That would’ve been too close to comfort for plagiarism so nope.

BUT

We could’ve ended with Billie closing one of her books and telling Dean, the Dean from season 12, that that COULD be how his story ends, and that he now has the choice to make his own ending, that he can either go against Chuck or convince Chuck his ending was crap.

We could’ve ended with Sam convincing Chuck that there’s another road to the ending he wants, as long as he lets them go on. He may be bored of the characters now, but he can always wait for a bit.

With Chuck giving the reins of his world to Becky and the fangirls, really closing on the whole “death of the author” and not ruining a character that, prior to season 15, the fandom loved.

With a thousand of ways that left both the meta world intact, and our hearts hurt, but not broken. Not angry.

(And that is not touching on the usual misogyny, racism, and heteronormative that the ending insisted on reinforcing)

Supernatural could’ve ended with a bang, and become an absolute legend. Instead, it ended with a whimper, and as a cautionary tale.

There’s no such thing as a happy ending, said King. But we could have had a Hopeful one.

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Tabula Rasa

Tabula Rasa has 8 stories at Gossamer, but there are even more X-Files fics at AO3 and her website. She writes Mulder and Scully in a very lovely way. I've recced 3 of my favorites of her fics here before: Bird in Snow, Fall: East on M St, and Skuamorph. Big thanks to Tabula Rasa for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

I'm always extremely pleasantly surprised to get kudos (or, very rarely, a comment) on my old fic, but I'm always happy to see it! I did post them all (I think) to AO3. I'm not surprised people are still reading fic, though. It's an iconic show and now with streaming, it's really easy to watch older shows and natural to want fic about them!

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

XF was my first fandom, definitely my first online fandom, and so it will always have a special place in my heart. Also... I had a great time! I stumbled upon and joined the Scullyfic email list by accident, but it was the best thing I could have done. I learned a lot about how to be a writer and how to be in fandom, and those lessons are still important to me. Foundational. Also, in terms of modern fandom drama, XF was more low-key on the drama (although it didn't seem like it at the time!). But I learned something that's always served me well: find like-minded people, and hang out with them. Don't worry about the rest.

Also... you can't control the show, but you kind of can control the canon.

Because of Scully, I ended up taking a forensic anthropology class in university-- and now I have a Master's in a forensic science! Part of the Scully Effect, and proud of it!

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

Definitely mostly email list! I never really got the hang of message boards. Posting fic was exhausting, and tbh I never figured out how to work Ephemeral. I checked it every day, though! I loved, after a new episode, everyone sending in their thoughts and reading everyone's experiences together. Fandom was a lot more work back then, tbh!

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

That fic can be just as good, or better, than traditionally published works. There are works of XF fic that have stuck with me for years now, far more than some books I've read. That fan writers can know the characters better than the show writers. The fandom in general was really smart, and mostly more adult than me (I joined fandom when I went away to college, so I always felt at the younger end of the scale. That was good though!).

Also, my first time reading and writing porn. Not gonna lie, I was shocked the first time I accidentally read smut. But I adjusted fast. lol

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

I was still a kid (now we would say preteen) when the show premiered- I think in middle school. But I was already into ghosts, aliens, monsters, solving mysteries, and I'd already imprinted on the dynamic thanks to Square One (really)! I was also just old enough to start developing celebrity crushes. Hilariously, I did not twig to the fact that I'm bisexual the entire time I was in XF fandom, despite having enormous crushes on BOTH Mulder and Scully. Ahhhh!

Also, my whole family was into the show, but I was definitely the one with the hyperfixation. I used to take notes and record the episodes as I watched. It just had the right stuff and hit at the right time. And I've always been obsessive.

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

As a kid I also really liked Star Trek, and someone had given my dad a book about the history of Star Trek, which I read. This included mentions of fandom and fanfic. As soon as I had a private-- and perhaps more importantly fast-- internet connection (in college), I went looking for XF fanfic, and that was that. Hooked immediately. Also I shipped them A LOT so that's what I went looking for.

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

I tend to not go back to a fandom once I have a new fandom, so I wouldn't say I'm in it. I did hang around the edges for the revival, of course, because I wanted to experience that with the same people, but since the revival was mostly not that great (with a few exceptions), I didn't get pulled back into it. But I still think of the people I knew in the fandom a lot, and always hope they're doing well.

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

I've never left fandom, and I've been in a BUNCH: Harry Potter, Doctor Who, Bandom, Supernatural, now CQL/The Untamed and other Chinese-media fandoms, with many smaller ones in between or on the side. I feel like at their core fandoms tend to be similar, although where you host the fandom makes a big difference: Livejournal, tumblr, twitter. I think that because fandoms now tend to be bigger and more diverse (which is good) there tends to be more wank (which is bad). In some of them I was close to a group of people, some of them not. Honestly the best thing is when someone you know from an old fandom is in your new fandom. It's so much fun. I have really good friends thanks to fandom, and I've had them for YEARS. Like. 15 years.

Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why?

I tend to focus more on ships than characters, but some of my all-time favs: Scully, Hermione, Sirius Black, Castiel, Lan Wangji, Xie Lian. That's just fandom-oriented ones, otherwise we'd be here all day. :D

Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully?

I don't often rewatch episodes any more, although if I come across an ep on tv I might. I definitely still think about them though! For example, I'm a teacher now, and just a couple weeks ago one of my colleagues mentioned he'd heard the students saying they shipped two of their classmates, and he was like "Ship? I don't get it" and I was like "HOO BOY, do I have a story for you!" And I explained how shipping came from XF fandom, and why. That was fun. I definitely still think about Mulder and Scully too-- I mean, they're cultural touchstones, so they do come up sometimes in greater pop culture. Also, I was in Hannibal fandom for a while, and Gillian Anderson is still The Best.

Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

I haven't read XF fic in years, even the ones I remember as being really significant/important to me. I still have my all-time favs saved on an external HD though! Fic in another fandom- every day lol.

Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors?

Blinded by White Light by DashaK has stuck with me. Mr. and Mrs. Smith and the Ruby-Throated Warbler by I forget I'm so sorry -- that's lasted as my ideal post-canon MSR and as an interesting and different way to tell a story.  [Lilydale note: It’s by rah.] I was always thrilled to see fic by Brandon, JET, MaybeAmanda, Syntax6... and, frankly, everyone on the Scullyfic/ Emuse list. So many talented people in that fandom!

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

Things Outside, which is the only thing I've ever written based on a dream, and I'm really satisfied with it. It was hard to write but so much fun to revel in the weirdness. I always kind of wanted to write more because I know a lot more about the situation, but otoh, I like the open, ambiguous ending (usually I am very HEA).

In other fandoms, King & Country in bandom (MCR) and in Supernatural I'm very proud of Hope and Clay. I struggle to write casefics even though I love to read them, but that one really worked out.

Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?

I don't think I'll ever write something new. There is an old fic that may be done but it was smut so I was too shy to post it at the time. In theory if I find it and it's decent, I could post it!

Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work?

I do! I write fic very slowly, but I do write still! I have a million ideas for stories, but I'm so slow at the actual writing part.

Where do you get ideas for stories?

I usually take a jumping-off point from canon, or of course, something I need to fix or expand on. Or sometimes I start telling myself a story as I fall asleep and the idea grabs me long enough I can manage to write it.

What's the story behind your pen name?

I was getting into fandom and realized people didn't use their real names. I flipped through my history book looking for inspiration, and decided tabula rasa was a great name for a writer. I tend to add an X because it's rare to get "tabularasa" as a username, and the X is indeed for X-Files (so I'm something like tabulaxrasa most places). I usually go by Tabula Rasa or Tab, though. And I still use it because 1) it IS a great name for a writer; and 2) it's not fandom-specific so I can keep it in every fandom.

I identify with it so much I have answered to this name in class (oops). I have a "Tab" t-shirt (as in the soda, but I have worn it to Comic-Con for ease of ID-- better than a nametag!). And my mom got me a necklace with a "tab" typewriter key as a charm, which I adore. Yes, I have accidental merch of myself.

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions?

As you can tell from the above, my family knows (my family being my parents and sister). They are supportive! I think my mom read a couple stories? But obviously she has to know the fandom to get it... I got my sister into fic, and we even wrote a couple fics together (in Gundam Wing). She's a lot more selective about fandoms, but she's joined fandoms on her own, too. She's just not in one constantly, like me. :p

I tend not to tell not-online friends unless I have felt them out and know they're super fannish, or they bring it up first.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

Most of my old fic is now on AO3 and I hang out on twitter a lot, @tabula_x_rasa

Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

I'm really glad people are still in this fandom! It will always be so important to me. Thank you Lilydale, for this nostalgia trip!

(Posted by Lilydale on March 30, 2021)

[iotiamohd]

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@iotiamo follow for follow? <3

Schrödinger’s Leak

We’re extremely sorry to say: this is fake. We made it because we’re agents of chaos  to prove that it was possible to do something like this in two days. It took a lot of work at the sacrifice of our sanity, but we did it, and filmed on a phone like the original leak was, it could pass off as real. (Look through this blog if you want to see the ugly truth of the HD version.)

The problem is...we were originally doing this to prove that the leak was real, because “no way someone would do this in two day, especially without getting paid”, and instead not only we realized it’s possible, but we’re left with more doubts than before. Keep on reading if you’re interested in what we (didn’t) find out, and what we did to put this together. 

We could have posted this a bit earlier, but we didn’t want to distract from the #SomethingToSay campaign.

IO TI AMO

Guys. Guys, we wish we could explain the sheer amount of things Vittorio Guerrieri, Cas’ voice actor, has been in. This man is in every anime dub ever, it’s impressive—we knew finding that specific “Io ti amo” was a losing battle, but we still tried. 

Oh, God, did we try. We went through English scripts of all the rom-coms he’s dubbed; compared that to the Italian subtitles of those same movies, looked for working links to stream the Italian dub and check if the “I love you”s we found were the right one....brain cells were lost. Progress was not made. 

We settled on using the one in Marley & I (lmao), that Owen Wilson’s character says to the dog  to his wife. It’s even better than the one in the leak, in our humble opinion, @ og leaker, suck our collective dicks.

Pictured here: Owen Wilson confessing his undying love for Dean Winchester (as he should).

ANCHE IO

The closest match we had is Dean's Anch'io, (me too).

Although it wasn't a Supernatural "exclusive" line, we decided to search within the original scripts and look for an Italian corrispondance. We found it.

2x20 [9.54] - What Is And What Should Never Be It not only was a perfect match in terms of sounds, but after analyzing the file with Audacity we had no doubt about it. Furthermore, if you overlap the OG leak's "me too" with the one we found, they seem to perfectly fit. 

Listen to the cleaned and compared audios here, and stay tuned for our mixtape, it’s gonna be straight fire. 

Here are the graphs. The “Anche io” from 2x20:

“Anche io” from the leak:

Obviously we didn’t expect them to look the same, considering the differences in audio quality, but they’re still very similar. It was listening to the audios side by side that convinced us. 

...Is this proof that the leak is fake? Idk. Probably yes. But what if it’s a coincidence that they’re so similar? How different could the two graphs for two small words said by the same person possibly be, after all. And what about all the other lines that we couldn’t find a match for? You see now why we’re conflicted. 

CASTIEL

The original idea was to go through every. single. time. Dean says “Castiel” in the Italian dub, hoping to find a perfect match for the one in the leak. We figured every other line could have been taken from the voice actors’ older works (both Castiel’s and Dean’s are very popular here in Italy, and their voices have appeared in...everything, basically)—but that “Castiel” had to come form Supernatural. 

We didn’t find it. We went through a lot of the episodes with Castiel in them, the ones with more emotional scenes first, and found nothing...we ended up getting distracted by the search for Mi dispiace, Dean, when we realized that also had to come from Supernatural. We settled on using the first close match we thought of: the scene in 09x01 where Dean is praying in the hospital’s chapel. 

This is not the “Castiel” used in the leak, so we can’t prove that it’s a recycled line stoled from an older episode of the Italian dub. For all we now, Stefano recorded it for 15x18. 

“Castiel” from 09x01:

“Castiel” from the leak:

Does this prove anything, considering how bad the audio quality of the leak is? We wouldn’t get the same exact graph even if it was the same snippet of audio. (By the way, when we started this we thought that Dean had rarely said Castiel’s name like that in the dub. We’d forgotten than Italian!Dean never calls him Cas, the asshole.)

The same problem remains: did the leaker find some obscure anime episode where Guerrieri says Io ti amo and used it to dub Castiel, or is this all very real, and that’s why we couldn’t find it anywhere? We don’t know, we just don’t know. 

MI DISPIACE, DEAN

Apart from the very wistful "Castiel..." right before Dean gets chucked on the ground (lol get rekt), the other line that came without a doubt from Supernatural is "Mi dispiace, Dean."

I'm sorry, Dean, a sentence that Cas doesn't say that often throughout the show: we checked the English scripts, and we found only three instances where it happens (we only have up until season 13 dubbed in Italian, so if he ever says it in the remaining two seasons, it certainly doesn't have an Italian version). 

5x22 - Swan Song: Cas says it, and it's very obviously not the one in the leak. The tone is completely different. 6x22 - Meet the new boss: again, close but no cigar. 7x01 - Reading is fundamental: at first we thought it was the exact same one, and that's why this particular Mi dispiace, Dean is the one you can hear in our fake leak. After checking with Audacity, the one in the episode and the one in the og leak don't correspond. It's just the closest we could find. 

So...? What does this mean? We don't know. It's very possible that Italian!Castiel does say Mi dispiace, Dean somewhere in another episode, straying away from the original English script, but without transcriptions of the Italian dub available online, we had no idea where to start. 

It's also possible that the leak is real, and that's why we found no doubles for this line. 

Also: we've seen people in various posts about the leak saying that the change from "Goodbye, Dean" to "I'm sorry, Dean" is suspicious. It's not uncommon to change lines if it means lipsinking them better, and considering what was happening in the scene, it's not out of place to have Cas apologize to Dean. It wouldn't sound weird to someone who has never watched the original episode. 

But, there's another argument to make...Cas has never said goodbye, Dean in older episodes (as far as we could find), and the og leaker was forced to use the next best thing they could find in the Italian dub. 

THAT MONITOR...THAT DAMNED MONITOR...

That monitor in the leak looked so sus at first. Is it normal for professional studios to use equipment older than some people on this hell site?

Apparently yes. 

We've found a bunch of photos of voice actors in front of the screen they use at work, and they all look like that. Dusty. 

These pictures also confirmed that the punctuation in the frame rate changes—sometimes it's all :, sometimes it's all ; (like in the case of the OG leak), sometimes it's mixed. Once again, we can't prove anything one way or another.

This is a pic from 2009 of Davide Chevalier, Sam's voice actor, and the framerate looks different from the one in the leak...then again, it's from 2009. What does it mean? What does it all mean?

FINAL CRIES FOR HELP

If you know more than us, please tell us:

Did we read the Audacity graphs correctly? Do they prove/disprove anything that we didn’t mention?

Does the framerate make any sense? Are we being bamboozled?

Do you have any insight on whether or not season 15 is already been dubbed? We know that season 14 will go on air in bundles of three episodes starting from the 12th of December, so it’s not crazy to think season 15 is already in the works.

Was this worth it? Was any of this worth it? We slept very few hours last night. 

tl;dr: in conclusion, we CAN’T affirm with absolute certainty if the Italian leak is fake or not, since we have evidences leading both way. Sadly, the final word will be when the episode will actually air next year.

IRTF - Internet Research Italian Rogue Task Force

[cinematicnomad]

Possible controversial opinion time - I can't help but see parallels between Buddie and Destiel. The writers spent 11 years showing how much Dean and Cas meant to each other, and yet it culminated in whatever that abomination of an ending was. I'm still so disappointed and hurt. I feel Buddie is headed that direction. I just don't think the show will ever follow through. It's hard to stay invested when I'm pretty sure I'll just end up sad again.

prefacing this with my usual i'm-a-pessimist-at-heart-and-won't-believe-buddie-will-go-canon-until-it's-happening-on-the-screen-right-in-front-of-my-face:

as much as i love destiel (and oh man, anon, i FUCKING love destiel), i don't think these ships, or shows, or dynamics, are comparable. bear with me for a minute as i provide some really necessary context that i think people tend to forget when making these comparisons:

supernatural was a bush-era (white, straight, cishet) male power fantasy tv show. like, not even the tail-end of the bush presidency, it started airing in 2005 right around the start of bush's second term. we were pretty firmly in the middle of the bush presidency. queer characters on tv were few and far between (usually relegated to one off guest stars or premium networks like showtime or hbo etc etc), gay marriage wasn't even legal yet, don't-ask-don't-tell was emblematic of the ~*coexist*~ ideology, and in the realm of tv even if they weren't overtly homophobic or anti-gay, they were culturally complacent. tv writers felt v comfortable making derogatory comments about queer people just for the ~*laughs*~ (please go back and rewatch gilmore girls and just....wait for the homophobic jokes to pour in, bc holy shit, there are a lot of them) and supernatural fell in line with that pretty squarely (haha everyone thinks sam and dean are gay, the motel owners are always offering them a single queen bed, dean's totally compensating for ~*something*~, isn't it funny).

and supernatural, despite growing and evolving over 15 years, really did hold on to that demographic. supernatural was one of those random shows that appealed to both democratic and republican viewers, and the network, the producers, the showrunners, the writers, WHATEVER, were not going to alienate their conservative audience. because: money.

9-1-1 just?? isn't comparable. the show started airing in 2018 and despite all the terrible things in the world, there HAS been progress in society and we can see that reflected in the show. we have several named main and regular queer characters on this show, who have plots and storylines that aren't just about their sexuality, who aren't used for the very-special-after-school-episode, but exist as fully rounded characters. hen is a main character and has been since e1 and we've gotten such beautiful storylines about her relationship with karen and their family and it is a jOY to watch on my screen compared to the types of (v limited) representation i saw as a teen in the mid-00s.

i mean...i think there are arguments to be made that bisexual representation still has far to go, and i have serious doubts that a ry*n m*rphy project will be the place to see any of that happen (he's biphobic af and i'm not talking about "oh there were some questionable plots in glee"), not to mention i still think that show creators have an easier time getting greenlit when pitching defined characters as queer from the outset compared to arguing for a character who was envisioned as straight-presenting at the start be allowed to evolve/grow/discover themselves through the course of the show (off the top of my head, characters who started out straight and came out several seasons after the fact...callie on grey's, willow on buffy, and marissa on the oc?). like i agree with you there! again, i'm a pessimist, so like i'm not telling you to be more positive or whatever?

but i just think that arguments that destiel and buddie are going to follow the same path lack a lot of nuance and tend to overlook some really important distinctions between both shows and the world writ large, and??

speaking of ship dynamics on their own, i'd just point to the fact that supernatural, for all that i loved about it, genuinely seemed to want to constantly run away from dean and castiel's dynamic? they spent entire seasons coming up with contrived ways to keep the two characters separate or to force them at odds with each other. like, ACTIVELY wrote plots and character arcs that undermined dean and castiel's bond at every turn bc the show didn't or couldn't address how much they mattered to each other. they'd give you like...breadcrumbs and then try to pretend like none of it mattered. (also this is when i plug that if you're not already you should 110% be watching bob weiss's destiel deep dive series on youtube)

on the other hand, whether or not buddie goes canonically romantic (which again! i doubt will happen!), 9-1-1 HAS canonically made their bond central to both characters and has repeatedly underscored just how much they matter to each other and just how involved they are in each other's lives. like, whether or not you think the writers will ever let them confess their romantic love for each other, the show DOES routinely center plots for both characters on their relationship with each other and repeatedly goes back to the same well to define just how much they matter to each other. s4 literally ended with eddie revealing that he made buck christopher's legal guardian like....they are doing the opposite of supernatural tbh.

this ran away from me so i'm just gonna publish this ask as is sorry

✨sleepover weekend✨

[orionsangel86]

Hey Everyone,

As you have probably noticed, I have neglected this blog for a long time now. I haven’t been on any fandom related social media at all actually. But I figured since I am currently in a good mindset, I want to write a post just outlining some things which basically boils down to a goodbye letter to Supernatural fandom.

Long rambling post below the cut...

This year (and the last) has just taken it out of me in terms of general negativity online both in fandom and in the real world. At first I got tired of fandom (mostly because Twitter is a cesspool of policing and bullying) and then I got tired of everything else (the world sucks right now, and my mental health basically stopped me from being able to participate in any form of online activism – just because I’m not blogging about something, doesn’t mean I don’t support the cause ya know?). Earlier this year, right around the time of the UK lockdowns, I had surgery and a recovery period in which I spent a lot of time with family, and just reacquainted myself with the real world. I think perhaps the coronavirus pandemic made me realise that long before lockdown began I had already been isolating myself from my real life and diving further and further into an online black hole.

It was years in the making. Supernatural fandom preoccupied my thoughts for such a long period of time it got to the point where every moment of my non working time seemed to be spent either online scrolling my tumblr dash or twitter feed, or reading fanfic or doing something fandom related. I invested so much of myself into this show and fandom that I think I forgot who I was before I was a Supernatural fan completely.

After my wake up call in late 2019, which lead me to break free from an extremely nasty clique, I have tried to re-enter fandom on my own terms, as well as attempt to enjoy the source material and the fandom creations to ignite some new spark of love and interest in the show. Yet as much as I have tried, I have failed to do so.

I was thinking recently about someone I used to follow years ago before I ever created a blog. When I was still just lurking in the tumblr shadows and followed the likes of Mittens, Lizbob, and other meta writers of the period, there was a blogger whose name I can’t remember but she was the funniest blogger I had come across. But when the show killed off Charlie Bradbury, she quit. I had never even interacted with her, as I was barely getting my blog started at the time, but I’ll never forget a post she wrote about her feelings on the show. She had recently started watching something else (I think it was Sense8 but can’t recall entirely), and that this new show had given her everything she had never thought she could have from her fave before. She wrote about how her relationship with Supernatural had become abusive. That for years the writers of Supernatural continued to throw punches at fans like her – women, LGBTQ+ people, people of colour, and yet she continued to give it all her time and attention, brushing off the punches because she was so damn devoted to the characters. Then this new show had come along, and it was like she had seen the light. The killing of Charlie Bradbury was the last straw, and she dumped Supernatural’s ass and fled into the arms of her new love.

I hope she is doing fantastically today.

What she wrote has resonated with me for years. I was a fairly new Supernatural fan at the time, and therefore didn’t really understand what she meant. A TV show can’t be abusive. Can it?

Of course, we are speaking in metaphor here, and in no way are these metaphors meant to reduce or limit the truly serious situation of actual abusive relationships, but every now and then, when a new episode of Supernatural has left me feeling upset, disappointed, frustrated and grossly let down, in some cases affecting my mood for days at a time, and therefore my mental health. I have thought back to those words she wrote and quietly agreed with them in my head. Yes. This is a metaphorically abusive relationship.

When I discovered earlier this year that Castiel was most likely going to be killed off in some sort of bullshit self sacrifice before the end of the show, I was extremely distressed. When I found out that my favourite person of all time Misha Collins, supported this ending for Castiel, and may have even been the one who pushed for it, I was more than distressed, I felt betrayed by the person I cared about most. I’ll admit to you all now that in my weakest moments I have fantasized about standing in front of Misha and screaming at him exactly just what kind of affect his “ideal ending” for Castiel will have on his fanbase, on their mental health, and potentially their own safety. This fantasy has me guilt tripping him and doing everything in my power to make him feel utterly shit about the decision. I know what you are thinking – don’t blame Misha, the guy has his own problems and we all know he projects his own self esteem issues onto Cas – and yes, I know this, like I said its only a fantasy to get me through my darkest moments. I don’t hate Misha at all. But perhaps I do love him a little less nowadays than I did back at the height of my fandom life. That’s at least still a little bit more than my feelings for Jensen and Jared which now I can only describe as complete indifference.

I am admitting all of this now knowing full well it will ignite shock and anger among the more die hard fans of J2M, to explain why I need to just leave this fandom completely, or more accurately, why I have already left fandom.

Over the past 10 months of 2020, I have watched a lot of TV (there isn’t much else to do during a lockdown when you are on crutches with your foot in a cast!) and the one thought that occurred to me over and over again was “this show is so much better than Supernatural”.

I kept comparing everything I watched, from the quality of the scripts, the actors, the special effects, to the inclusiveness of the shows. Just so many beautiful and interesting stories that seem to understand their audience, and understand how to entertain and impress without resorting to cringe humour, outdated jokes, and prejudice, not to mention misogyny and queerbaiting – yup, I said it.

The thing is, I think these thoughts have been creeping over me slowly for longer than just this year, but I have been desperately batting them away the way Dean Winchester bats away his own gay thoughts. Unlike Dean though, eventually I couldn’t ignore them anymore. I cannot continue to carve out space in my own soul for this show, which incessantly beats me down regardless of my devotion. The creators, the network, the writers, and sometimes even the cast, have all shown that they don’t care about me as a fan. I’m not some gun toting dudebro living in middle America, so why should they give a damn about me? I’m clearly not their target audience, nor have I ever been.

I know many of you will vehemently deny my personal opinion of Supernatural now. That is absolutely fine. I am sorry to be admitting it, but I had to. I feel like once I finally write out these words, I have got it off my chest and can close and lock the door on Supernatural for good.

Without Supernatural, I am able to focus on my real life, I am able to find pleasure in other things, new things, interesting things, that bring me joy and joy alone – not disappointment and frustration. I found a new job this year, which has been a huge accomplishment as I was stagnating in my old one, and several new hobbies under my belt. I moved to a new flat, I have a lovely flatmate who has been a godsend throughout lockdown, and I have rekindled friendships that I was neglecting due to my Supernatural obsession.

All in all, I am finding post-Supernatural life far more rewarding and content than my life in fandom. It has taken me a while, but I am over the show. And whilst I will always hold a special place in my heart for Castiel, it will be as I know him in my own mind; as the wonderful, strong, powerful and determined angel with a soul, who loves so strongly, and who is worth so much more than his own creators give him credit for. He is up there with Aziraphale and Crowley, with The Doctor, and Buffy, as one of the greatest characters of all time.  

So the Supernatural writers and creators can take whatever ending they have decided upon, and shove it up their asses. I am sorry to say that Sam and Dean Winchester are also lost to me. Any love I had for them was destroyed by their later season depictions. Castiel alone is the only character worthy of that space in my heart now. If in time he longs for a companion, I will find one for him, but it won’t be the Dean Winchester of the canon show. Canon Dean hasn’t been deserving of Cas for a long time now.

Perhaps I am still a little bitter about the ending. Perhaps the finale won’t be the disaster I expect it to be, perhaps Dabb will somehow turn it all around last minute following whatever travesty Bucklemming have given us in 15x19. Either way, I won’t be watching.

So this is me saying goodbye to this blog, at least until I have decided what else to do with it. It certainly won’t be a Supernatural fandom blog anymore. It wasn’t all wasted though. I did get a wonderful friendship group out of this fandom, and I have certainly expanded my knowledge of film and television analysis, as well as having enjoyed a great many memes.

I guess in the end, my internal war with my inner bitter Cas girl finished with her winning, and writing this post. Once it is posted however, I will put her to sleep with thoughts of a happy Castiel, who has swapped his wings for a beating human heart, and is living on a beach somewhere beautiful, refurbishing an old Victorian house, and greeting his kindly elderly neighbours. There’s a gay bar on the main strip, and the bartender is quite a dish. Green eyes and light brown hair with a killer smile. Castiel thinks he looks familiar, like a memory from a past life, but they’ve definitely never met, because this man is kind.

Now that she is asleep, there is nothing left for me here. Goodbye everyone. Whether you manage to enjoy the finale or not, I truly hope you too, find your peace.

[asecretvice]

German Dub of Despair 15x18

Being a complete translation of the confession scene, with added commentary under the cut! Because in my opinion this was never discussed in full.

NB: I am not a native German speaker, but I have studied it and love it very much! My goal was to create as literal a translation as possible without regard for how good it sounds in English to make it easier to compare and contrast the brass tacks of meaning. I have bolded any significant and/or interesting differences. These are the things I will discuss under the cut. I hope you take the time to read it because I find the German approach very rich indeed!

THE TRANSLATION

Dean: She’s going to come through that door.

Cas: I know.

Dean: Then she’ll kill you first, and then she’ll kill me. I’m so sorry.

Cas: There’s something—something she’s afraid of. There’s something strong enough to stop her. When Jack was dying, I made a deal because I wanted to save him.

Dean: You did what?

Cas: I gave my life up for it. When I experience a moment of true happiness, the Empty will be summoned and I’ll go with it, forever.

Dean: Why are you telling me all this?

Cas: Ever since I took on this burden, this curse, I kept asking myself what it could possibly be, what my true happiness could even look like. But I found no answer, because the one wish I have will sadly never be granted. In the end I believe I’ve understood now, that you aren’t made happy by possessing it, but by living it. When you realize that, it’s yours.

Dean: What are you even talking about, Cas?

Cas: I know…I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see the same picture of yourself our enemies paint of you. You consider yourself destructive, ever angry and broken. As daddy’s dirty-dealing tool. And you believe that hate and rage drive you, that they’re what you’re made of. But that isn’t so. And everyone that really knows you sees it too. And everything you’ve ever done, the good and the evil, you’ve only done out of love. You raised your little brother out of love, fought for the whole world out of love. Because that is your true self. You’re the most caring person there is. You are the most selfless and loving person in the world, and that I’ll ever meet. Since I’ve known you, since I freed you from hell, my life has utterly changed. Because you cared, I cared. I began to care about you. I cared about Sam, and about Jack. I cared about the whole world, and only because of you. You changed me, Dean.

Dean: Why does that sound like a goodbye?

Cas: Because it is one…I love you.

Dean: Please don’t do this, Cas. [Empty and Death arrive] Cas—

Cas: Farewell, Dean.

My personal takes of the German dub under the cut!!

"she’ll kill you first": They're really emphasizing the fact that Dean is so certain that he's going to have to watch Cas die again.

"I’m so sorry.": Adding more depth of feeling here...an element of helplessness because you don't know how else to explain the enormity of how sorry you are.

"I made a deal because I wanted to save him": As opposed to the original English, "I made a deal to save him." This adds an element of agency to Castiel's actions that we'll see carried through the rest of the scene. Also, it's Cas claiming more things that he wants/wanted, and going/having gone out to get them.

"I gave my life up for it.": Compare to the original, "The price was my life." Once again Cas is owning his own actions. He has agency here. It's no longer emphasizing the old spn refrain, "I did what I had to do." Instead it's like, "I chose to do this." Taking on that responsibility.

"and I’ll go with it, forever.": In continued contrast, the original is "it would take me forever." Cas is no longer a sitting duck waiting for the inevitable. He's basically spelling out what he's doing--making the choice to invite the Empty here, and willingly going with it to achieve his ends.

"I kept asking myself": In my view this again makes Cas a more active character, as opposed to just saying the original "I wondered." How many times did he wonder? How idly? But in the German we know: again and again he wondered this, again and again Cas asked himself a huge, major, and if I may, human question, "What is happiness, and what is my own happiness?" Cas is actually considering what he wants for himself out of his existence instead of being continuously concerned with duty, an ongoing theme of his.

"because the one wish I have will sadly never be granted": Ymmv on how big a difference this is to the original "the one thing I want, it's something I can't have." For me it's big. The original uses a somewhat common English turn of phrase and I would argue that the German is more culturally connected to that language as well. Since we're talking about deals we're talking about some of the oldest storytelling tropes on the books--hell yeah, I'm talking about fairy tales and folklore. Season three had a whole episode about this while the narrative was concerned with Dean's demon deal to bring Sam back to life (Bedtime Stories, 3x5). Interestingly it's not about owning something, having it (more on this next), but receiving it. He doesn't want to have Dean's love, but rather for Dean to bestow his love upon him. Splitting hairs with semantics, perhaps, but I hope you know what I mean.

"In the end I believe I’ve understood now, that you aren’t made happy by possessing it, but by living it. When you realize that, it’s yours.": Now this is very different from the original, which goes "But I think I know... I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having, it's in just being. It's in just saying it." Firstly believing is different from thinking; thinking implies that things are still in flux while believing implies faith--and I don't think an angel like Cas gives his faith lightly. Understanding is also different from knowing. The former implies a greater depth and complexity.

But how to parse the next part? The verb used in the German, "besitzen," translates to own or possess, not have. So the dub repudiates this idea even more strongly than in the English. And with the realizing as opposed to saying...it makes the action more internal, and in my view, more in line with the type of agency Cas is given by the dub during the whole scene: "I wanted", "I gave up", "I'll go", "I kept asking", "I believe". The act of understanding, realizing. Actualizing his self. Through this interpretation we can say that Cas becomes happy, that Cas summons the Empty not because he says that he loves Dean, but because he's reached a true understanding of his feelings and what they mean (or else allowed himself to). In this darkest hour, he more clearly can see the light. And yet he still says "it's yours." Here he means, perhaps, that it is a part of you, not that you own it.

A note on the translation of "Glück": I saw some commentary going around which I strongly disagree with that says that the German dub weirdly chose to use the word "luck" instead of "happiness," and that isn't true. While it can indeed mean luck, in context it 100% means happiness. I believe these people were arguing that "Freude" or "Fröhlichkeit" mean happiness but Freude is more like "joy" or "pleasure" and Fröhlichkeit is more like "cheerfulness" or "merriment." As examples, most English speakers know the word "Schadenfreude" (joy over other's misfortune/gloating, etc); Merry Christmas is "Fröhliche Weihnachten"; Happy Birthday is "Herzlichen Glückwunsch zum Geburtstag" (heartfelt well-wishes for your birthday). Glück is more like the happiness being discussed in this scene; so luck and good fortune I suppose, but also the idea of true happiness or bliss: Glückseligkeit (a beautiful compound word which, broken down to its components, combines happiness and blessedness). So no. The German translator(s) did not choose the wrong word for happiness.

"You consider yourself destructive, ever angry and broken": Opposed to the original, "You're destructive, and you're angry, and you're broken." The German uses the word adverb "stets" which means "always" or sometimes "constantly." Much like with "kept asking myself" the German opts for a more continuous, action-like meaning. It also separates "destructive" from "angry and broken." He's saying like, continuously, your anger is renewed, and you think that you break over and over and over (reminds me of Head of a Pin 4x16, the idea of Dean "breaking" in hell and how he probably thinks of himself as always breaking under the pressure, never being good enough).

"As daddy’s dirty-dealing tool.": Here's the change I find the most fascinating!!! This is what the translator(s) went with for "daddy's blunt instrument." There's a number of layers I had to wade through to figure out the German phrase used, "Daddys Werkzeug fürs Grobe." First let's compare the callback, because Berens was clearly calling back to the infamous phrase from 3x10 Dream a Little Dream of Me, "daddy's blunt little instrument." The German phrase used that episode (thanks for looking it up for me, @wearingmywings !) is "Daddys folgsames Werkzeug" or "daddy's obedient tool."

So let's break this down. The original phrase of "daddy's blunt little instrument" lays the foundation for later declarations, fittingly by Alastair (4x16 again) and Dean's hallucinations regarding his fears of hell (4x6 Yellow Fever) about Dean being "daddy's little girl" and a crybaby, etc. As we all unfortunately know, in addition to infantilizing Dean/rendering him more childlike, when used in that snide, insulting way there's a creepy, sexual underlayer added to the phrase (thanks spn's gothic roots!!). This for me is underlined by the German dub using the word "Daddy" when that is definitely, definitely not a loan word commonly used in the language. In fact I typed it into the Ferrari of German dictionaries and the only context it came up in is "Sugardaddy," which, ew. So that weird sexual component is there as well. Compare too "blunt" with "obedient." In English blunt instrument has heavy violence implied; Dean therefore describes himself as a weapon for his father to wield. In the German obedient tool comes across as more...say...a swiss army knife. He is a mere tool for his father, used in whichever way is needed whether as a weapon or no. To me this isn't just like, a "daddy's little hunter" connotation but also things we are canonically shown elsewhere, Dean as housekeeper and cook and, as Dean tells Mary in s12, having to be both a mother and a father.

Now to bring in 15x18. The "little" is removed from the English phrase...and aside from the fact that it shows Cas knows exactly what was in Dean's head (!!), it more or less retains the same meaning, except in a less childlike sense. He's now grown to be a full weapon, yeah? But how do you get from "Daddys folgsames Werkzeug" to "Daddys Werkzeug fürs Grobe"? It's easy to see that while there's not as complete a callback as in English, they did still choose to use the word "daddy" and "werkzeug (tool)" so it is still a callback. But what the hell is "fürs Grobe"? I've seen others question this with no real conclusion, but with a little sleuthing I think I've cracked it, y'all!

It seems that fürs Grobe is a crystalized phrase used in the term "Mann fürs Grobe." The German dictionary defines this as "hatchet man." Thinking this could not be literal, I looked up what "hatchet man" might mean as an English idiom. Wikipedia provided! It states (emphasis mine):

In the context of the Watergate scandal, the term hatchet man was used to refer to a trusted and particularly orthodox subordinate tasked by his employer with destroying a political opponent by any means necessary. Charles Colson was known as a hatchet man for President Richard Nixon, as was H.R. Haldeman, who proudly described himself as "Richard Nixon's 'son of a bitch'". This use of the term has since become commonplace for anyone who is tasked with conducting distasteful, illegal, or unfair "dirty work" to protect the reputation or power of their employer.

And then the German translator(s) replaced Mann (man) with Werkzeug (tool). This is an intense play on words in my book! I mean, this is so interesting! So Dean is not just John's "son of a bitch," he's not just the guy who takes on the dirty work, the guy who takes on the nasty shit to protect or destroy, his father's "orthodox subordinate," an obedient, unquestioning, perhaps even enthusiastic follower. The aspect of agency in this case is REMOVED, because Dean is dehumanized into being a tool who does this, not a man. It makes John an even cleverer and more complex puppeteer. Like, he doesn't just pick Dean up and take a swing; he winds Dean up and watches him go. Y'all. I tried to write a pithy version of this by saying "dirty-dealing tool" but this is a major case of things being lost in translation.

"everyone that really knows you sees it too": The "really" is not in the English version. For me this adds a layer of intimacy; it's only Dean's intimates that see and understand this. I love that Cas confidently counts himself among this number.

"the good and the evil": This is another interesting case. The word used is "Böse" which as a noun pretty much just means evil. For me the phrase "the good and the bad" in English would more literally have required "Schlecht," which means "bad," but indeed no, they went with Böse. This of course recalls the idea of Dean in hell (which Cas is about to bring up), Dean being a demon for a while, and all the other "evil sons o' bitches" they've faced over the years. I suppose you could also translate this as "good or ill," but in this case it still has the connotation of evil. (To illustrate please compare two Gandalf quotes, "Gollum has some part to play yet, for good or ill" and "not all tears are an evil." This is the register we might be working in...more on how this dub encourages elevated and poetic language a little later!)

"you’ve only done out of love.": Cas is making his point real fucking clear. It's not like "maybe there were other motives but in the end it was love," no!! It was ONLY love, declares German!Cas.

"your true self": Compared to the original, "That is who you are." I feel like the German version employs a more...independent connotation. That is, "who you are" still has an element of relation between a you and an other (a pronoun with an inherent "not me" meaning), whereas "your true self" indicates more that this self, apart from everything else, is yours. This is what truly lives inside you. Maybe I'm splitting hairs again but I still say it's different. The German phrase used is "dein wahres Ich." Capitalized Ich means the self but lowercase it is the German pronoun for "I." Cas is handing Dean back his sense of self, his ability to be an "I," not a tool without agency.

"since I freed you from hell": This is so lovely to me. Compare the original English, "ever since I pulled you out of hell." The German verb is very specifically "befreien." Anyone can easily see the "free" meaning as the words are cognates, but keep in mind they could have said to pull for a literal translation, or to save for the more angel/religious connotation. But--free. To throw off bonds, be set loose. The subtext of this...in the context of the rest of the scene..."I released you from the burdens you were laboring under" like...fuck. That's literally what he's doing right this moment. Lifting the veil from Dean so he can see himself truly, clearly.

"my life has utterly changed": Compare to "knowing you has changed me." Once again the German opts to double down on meaning; his life hasn't just changed, but utterly. Absolutely fully and completely. And actually I think it allows for a better progression, even escalation of ideas in the monologue. A better building of tension. If you think about it, the original goes, "Knowing you has changed me...You changed me, Dean." Whereas the German goes, "My life has utterly changed...You changed me, Dean." I mean, my dudes! "My life has changed," Cas says. "I've started caring about shit because you did, so do you get it yet? It's YOU that changed me." a;isdhf;alsihdfa;lsidfasd;lk the feeeeeels

"Because you cared, I cared. I began to care about you.": As opposed to, "Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you." Yet another seemingly small change that makes a big difference! For me this continues to pull through the thread of conscious thought and agency for Cas that the dub emphasizes. The English lacks a certain nuance; yes Dean is listed first, but he's just first in a list, if that makes sense. Whereas the German is more like, "As I was beginning to learn how to care, it was for you. You are how I discovered this and got better at it over time," thereby differentiating Dean from others, as well as Cas's relationship to Dean from Cas's relationship to others.

"I cared about the whole world, and only because of you": There's that "only" again. Let's thread them together! "You only did it out of love, and I only loved because of you." hhheeeerrrrrgggghhhhhh

"Please don’t do this, Cas.": The original, of course, carries no "please." Much like the "I'm so sorry" at the beginning of the conversation, Dean's response carries a greater depth, at least verbally. This makes me confident that while the translator(s) didn't go full "y yo a ti," they were definitely trying to give Dean's minimal replies more emotional weight.

"Farewell, Dean.": I promised you more poetic thoughts, so here they come! "Goodbye" appears twice in the conversation, if you'll recall: "Why does this sound like a goodbye?" and "Goodbye, Dean." But the German uses two different words, "Abschied" for the first, and "Lebewohl" for the second.

Abschied is such a beautiful use here. It carries with it the meaning of "a farewell" or "a parting." To carry it further, if you break it down to its roots "ab" has the sense of moving away, and the latter part of the word comes from the verb "scheiden": to separate, leave, part. Honestly in English we use "goodbye" in so many different common ways that while the acting and the context lend it the sense of finality in the original, the German elevates it more; I must once again bring up LOTR and Gimli's "I have taken my worst wound at this parting, having looked my last upon that which is fairest." That is the level this word is on, in my opinion. Dean is asking, "Why does this sound like we are about to be parted forever?"

Lebewohl, on the other hand, means "farewell" in the sense Cas is using it here, like, I'm saying this to you as a linguistic imperative. I mean obviously in this case you can't use the usual German goodbye which is "auf Wiedersehen," basically, "until we see each other again." But still. If you look back on folk songs like "The Leaving of Liverpool" farewell's original meaning is more clear: "So fare thee well, my own true love, when I return united we will be." In other words, "farewell" is perhaps today a more formal or poetic way of saying goodbye, but it is literally hoping that someone does well in your absence. Lebewohl actually takes it a step further. "Lebe" comes from "leben," to live. Live well.

In his absence, Cas wants Dean to live.

That's all, folks. Thank you so much if you took the time to read this. Please share any thoughts if you have them!

[phynali]

more spn discussions, just skip this post y’all

 @queerbluebird​ thanks so much for engaging with my post/reply! i really enjoyed reading your response and i have a long reply here.

i’m responding to your post/reply here rather than reblogging it because honestly that thread is - so long. so very long. 

so first - 

i agree there is a difference between entitlement and what i would call, not promise, but instead “narrative follow-through”. A story that completely lacks narrative follow-through does end up feeling disappointing, or frustrating, or rage-inducing, depending on what’s happened. to me there’s a fundamental difference between critiquing a story based on follow-through and bad storytelling (which your post aims to do), versus say, creating hashtag campaigns about a character being silenced because and spreading conspiracy theories about a bad dub (among other things honestly).

and also - queerbaiting totally sucks, we definitely do agree on that.

where we disagree, i think are these two core points:

i do not see the narrative build-up that demands a follow-through. i do not see supernatural as having built up to the story that many destiel shippers seem to think was there, and no one has ever been able to point out to me any actual textual reasons that do craft that narrative build-up  

i fundamentally do not believe that destiel was ever a queerbait. queerbait involves active intent on the part of creators to tease a ship or queer representation in order to draw in $ from queer audiences without ever making it canon, so as not to alienate straight audiences. so, refering to point 1., i do not see the canon text as having laid the groundwork for a queerbait and those romantic tropes, at least not at any point in the past 7 years. and beyond the canon, the writers and producers and jensen ackles all indicated dean was straight, and that they were not writing a romance. if anyone queerbaited the fans, it was misha collins who kept teasing the possibility, and personally i would argue that was irresponsible of him. but that’s a different discussion altogether and tends to piss people off when it’s framed as such, because misha means a lot to them and it hurts to see the man who validated their feelings get criticized for the manner in which he validated them. so i’m gonna leave that aside.

beyond that, I want to engage with some of your specific quotes:

Supernatural loves to say “wait for it.” And I don’t think it’s entitled to feel betrayed if an author uses their story to say “wait for it” in order to convince you to stick with their story and then delivers the opposite after you do.

May i ask, where was the “wait for it” with destiel? this ties in directly to the queerbaiting. i indicated in my post/reply that while i see it from cas, there’s been little to no hint of any reciprocation of feelings from dean, and if anything the past 7 or so years have driven the point home that it isn’t happening. i personally am not able to see the “Wait for it” and that was the point of my question. without the “Wait for it”, i also can’t see the queerbait. 

I asked for specifics and while i totally get not having the spoons, you provided a few:

(off the top of my head for Dean though, the mixtape, his response to Cas’ death at the end of 12, subsequent grief arc, and reaction to Cas’ return in the front half of 13 rank highly. His reaction to Lucifer’s prank call in 15x19 might rate, but maybe just because it’s so recent.)

not trying to be unkind here, but i quite genuinely don’t see any of these examples as framing cas and dean in a romantic light, or as hinting at a “what if”. the mixtape is like.... okay, maybe. i had read that as being symbolic of something else, but i can see wanting to read it from a shipping lens. (i don’t however think i’d read it as baiting or “what if” - it was quite textually not framed that way. shipping, 100%, but canon build-up, not for me).

for the other examples -- grieving for someone you consider family? and being happy when they come back? that’s not shippy to me. i mean - contrast the grief he showed over cas’s death compared to his grief over, say, mary? or, less extreme, charlie? and nothing compared to how off the rails he goes when sam is dead or he thinks sam is. so i -- i just can’t see those as creating a narrative that demands a follow-through. and when your friend who is dead calls your phone? of course you hop to the door - i don’t know what is romantic about that. sam would’ve hopped just as quick if “cass” had called his phone instead.

and look - i see what is fun to ship about all that. if i shipped it, i’d be happily collecting these moments with a smile and grinning to myself about how cute they are and much they mean. but shipping it vs. it being romantically framed in the canon are two fundamentally different things. shipping doesn’t imply narrative buy-in or deliberation from the creator.

moving on, you also spoke at length about 15x18:

15x18 made the sort of statement that drew back even people who did exactly what OP said they should do, turning off the TV years ago. It wasn’t a quiet “if you’re still watching, keep waiting,” so much as a shouted “hey we’re gonna do this thing, watch this!”

i guess destiel fans vs. those of us who don’t ship it really see this as fundamentally different. because you discuss that moment as one which requires follow-through, and say that if this were heteronormative m/f love declaration, there would be that expectation of follow-through. not necessarily reciprocity, but more - more conversation, more acknowledgment, more something.

(i mean - if there was more, but that more was “hey i love you too but only platonically, sorry man” would that be better?)

but no - i actually just... disagree with your point on that front. i can see why you feel the way you do and i acknowledge that it can be read as the start of a conversation. to me though -- and clearly, now that the finale is out, how the writers saw it -- that was actually the end of a conversation. the end of, like you pointed out, 12 years. a 12-year conversation that ends in a gorgeous declaration of love, and specifically how love isn’t about being together, it’s simply about being - it’s about the fact that you love someone, and that feeling alone is the most beautiful thing in existence.

to me, that declaration can only be written and interpreted as an ending.  a sacrifice, a declaration, and a goodbye. so - while i kind of expected seeing more people in episode 20 and realize that didn’t happen largely due to covid - i’m not disappointed we didn’t see cas, because that culmination of his narrative (and then knowing he was with jack, after, rebuilding the heaven that he rebelled against and finally completing his narrative circle by fixing all the problems with it alongside the good god he sought to find all along) is kind of perfect. 

and i genuinely don’t think if cas was in a female vessel this entire time that that would change. maybe some audience members would feel differently, but i think many of us would see it for the end it was nonetheless. there’s plenty of stories with m/f ships that are one-sided and that character sacrifices themselves for the person they love, so i don’t see why this would be any different (except the bury your gays issue, but that’s a whole other and very real conversation about media tropes).

moving on to the series finale.

As many people have pointed out in praise of 15x20, Sam is the absolute most important thing in Dean’s life, his priority above anything and everything… And yet there, at the actual end of the world, Dean ignores Sam’s call and instead cries over the loss of Castiel. Dean’s loss of Castiel plays in tandem with the loss of literally the whole world. But we’re not to take that as a promise that Castiel means more to this story, or to Dean, than a couple seconds of wistfulness after the dust settles?

I... yeah. i don’t see what this even is arguing. that dean taking a minute to himself to grieve his best friend, who just died in part because dean decided to go hunt down billie (who was literally dying anyway). he’s hurting. there’s nothing about this that’s a promise - it’s an end. it’s grief. it’s the horror of losing someone you care about, and the silence that comes after. it’s fundamentally human in it’s pain. and we, the audience, are invited to grieve with dean.

so I mean - of course cas means more to this story. of course he’s meant more than a few seconds of grief, after 12 years. but just because that’s the last time we see him on screen doesn’t mean we don’t value his story, and celebrate how it too came full circle.

You mention cas as a sort of avatar for a different potential ending for the brothers, and highlight him representing:

An ending where higher powers stop yanking them around and they get to actually live in the life they’ve built for themselves.

So while i never considered cas an avatar for that, i do think we all wanted the brothers to have their freedom. “finally free.” so we can agree on wanting that end. but we disagree on whether it was delivered, i guess? because i feel it was.

you also talk about what you and many other fans conceivably wanted a happier ending to look like. can i -- i’m going to be totally honest. i have not seen a single person who’s critiquing the end saying “i just wanted sam and dean to grow old hunting together with their dog until they retire together and die of old age.”

would that be satisfying to those who are mad about the end? i personally don’t think so, but maybe my opinion is being coloured by the most vitriolic fans i’ve seen. if sam and dean got to have the life they wanted free of chuck, and dean didn’t die, and they kept going (or retired and opened a bar together!). maybe sam still had a kid, but again because romance wasn’t the point, the wife wasn’t important and they left her blurry still so we could interpret ourselves if she was a wife or a co-parent or a surrogate or what. maybe dean has a kid too, with a similar question-mark-wife. maybe we get a few images of them having a holiday with jodie and the girls. and then getting to heaven together in old age, greeting bobby with a beer, and going for a drive.

would that be an end that wouldn’t cause fandom uproar? i would enjoy it, soft an slightly discordant as it would be to me. i prefer the ending we got, bittersweet and heartbreaking though it was, but i wouldn’t be taking to social media to yell about it if we got a softer epilogue, so to speak.

on the other hand... would that still not be enough, at least not for so many of the angry fans? i’m genuinely unsure. it seems to me that so much of the ire is about destiel itself, even if people are pretending it’s about more and other things than that. not everyone, but like, a big portion of them. which leads me to believe that nothing short of dean and cas at least interpretable as together is what they wanted. if every other single thing about the existing finale was the same except that cas was the one to greet dean instead of bobby, and even with the same basic dialogue, without discussing the confession, but they have a lingering smile, and dean leaves to drive and wait for sam with the promise he’ll see cas later - 

if everything else stayed the same except who greeted dean, i genuinely don’t believe i’d be seeing almost any critique of the finale on my dash. maybe i’m cynical, but that’s where i’m at.

which is part of why i really struggle to believe that people are engaging in good faith when they critique the finale. because i feel like if it offered them either a) everything they’re purportedly asking for but still no cas and zero hint of destiel, vs. b) every other thing they claim to hate stays the same except there’s a wink and nod to destiel - i believe they would take the wink and nod. 

   On to some other things you raised:

But how can you know to walk away from a tragedy if the tragedy says “the end won’t be a tragedy, keep watching” right up until it ends in tragedy?

Oh i Get this. I hate thinking i’m consuming fun media only for it to rip my heart out at the end. i’ve literally - well, i’ve had a very unpleasant and distressing experience of this, actually. so i get it. also the opposite: i sometimes feel disappointed when i’m consuming media that is gripping and intense and painful, but then the end is too easy, too soft and happy?

BUT - supernatural never pretended it would have a happy end? the end was so. much. happier. than i ever expected. the Swan Song end was going to have Sam in hell being tortured by lucifer for eternity. according to something i read which i am fundamentally too lazy to link because who knows if it would have turned out this way but -- kripke was apparently going to have Dean jump in the cage with him at that end, if the series ended on S5? the ‘horror’ ending. completely devastating sacrifice for mankind (sam), and completely devastating sacrifice for his brother (dean). just -- oof. even if that wasn’t the plan and the series would’ve ended as the episode did - sam was still in the cage and cas was off waging war in heaven and dean was living every day knowing he was alive and his brother was being tortured.

i’m sorry if you thought you were watching a happier show. i know how much that hurts. that doesn’t mean the story was actually that happy though. sometimes, it’s on us as consumers to acknowledge we were misreading the media. i’ve had to do this. it’s hard, it hurts, but it helps you consume things healthier. i’ve had to do this growing recently, and i’m better off for it.

regarding the specific manner of dean’s death - that’s really not what my post was about and i’m not gonna address it here. i’ve talked about it elsewhere and so have others, and @lovetincture‘s original post spelled it out beautifully, in how human it was. i have feelings on how and why i loved dean’s death, and why it was the absolute opposite of what Chuck’s ending was and what he wanted (no blaze of glory), but i’ll leave those for another time.

They cast aside all the relationships they’ve built. [...] They lost/walked away from the life and home they built in the bunker. Dean got a season 1 death. Sam got a season 1 life.

I feel that there is a very huge difference between regression and progression when it comes to cyclical storytelling. And that difference seems to be missing from the ongoing discussions i’ve seen about this in fandom.

Coming full circle to season 1 does not at all mean that the development is ‘undone’ or that the story has regressed or that anything has been lost or destroyed. It can mean that, if the storyteller doesn’t know what the hell they’re doing, but in this case i don’t (personally) feel it’s a fair critique.

Dean’s death might parallel his s1 not-quite death from Faith, but the s15 result of that death is night and day. Dean is no longer alone. Dean does not go up to a lonely heaven filled with bittersweet memories, where even his canonical soulmate and him have wide gulfs between the memories they fill their shared heaven with. Dean dies a hunter, but he dies a hunter who literally saved earth and changed heaven and gets to spend eternity with his brother, side-by-side and together without all the pain and miscommunication, and he gets to see his family and loved ones too. he died having literally made the world so much better.

even without that though?

his story comes full circle, but dean’s character development isn’t about his death, it’s about the fact that in the first several seasons dean could hardly admit he cared without acting like his teeth were being pulled. he was too afraid of abandonment to ask for someone to be by his side. he was too afraid of rejection to let anyone in. and in the end? he asks sam to stay. he tells him that he loves him. he pours his heart out and says all the things that 15 years ago were stoppered in his throat, words trying and failing to claw their way free but his hurt and fears were too deep.

dean is free.

the point of dean’s story coming full circle to season 1 parallels was specifically to highlight this incredible development, not to undermine it. he is different. he is free. 

god it makes me tear up just thinking about how happy i am for him despite how gutted i was by that scene??

(i could write a similar analysis for sam, about how he left for stanford to escape his life and how his finale life montage bits were the opposite of that, but honestly this post is long enough already).

Destiel is loosely a part of that promise in the sense that Castiel is a part of that promise. The symbol of free will

You make a super interesting argument about Cas being a symbol of free will. I don’t have much to say about it, because I’m gonna mull it over, because I think it’s kinda cool and I’ve never thought about it.

That’s - all i’ve got. thanks again for engaging. i’m happy to continue the convo if you have questions or want to reblog/reply 

(though my followers might hate me omg, i’ve been spamming long spn meta posts for weeks now, it’s just been so confronting to see the ongoing fan reaction on twitter and how divided it is...)

[inmyarmswrappedin]

High key concerned by how many people think it might be Ava's season next. I don't think druck has the sauce, i don't think any of the remakes have the sauce, to turn this fandom into a fair and balanced one when they are met with people that look like Ava and can be quite assertive . An Ava season at this junction would be strongly rejected by the masses and seems like an express lane to cancellation. Who do u think will be the next main? Sorry if you've already shared your thoughts on this.

Hi anon! 🌸 I think the next main will be Fatou. 

As for Ava, I don’t think her storyline with _huelk has played as big a role in the episodes as Fatou/Kieu My. I’m also a bit unsure about whether _huelk will actually show up on Thursday tbh. I’d feel a bit more sure he’ll show, if Ava told the girls about him and she asked Nora to come along with her. 

This fandom will inevitably be a shitstorm when Ava is the main, but I mean, wbk. Let’s just look at the reactions to any Sana season, not just from fandom, but casual viewers and even people who don’t know anything about these shows, but have a lot to say about a show choosing to feature characters like the Sanas.

But I also don’t think that should be reason not to do it. Like, we can’t just keep these characters as sidekicks until a time in the future where people won’t complain about them being main, or we’ll be waiting forever lol. 

I know this is the dumbest example ever, but ever since SPN ended, I’ve been thinking about how different the TV landscape was 5/10/15 years ago. 

(Some rambling about 00s TV shows no one cares about)

When SPN premiered in 2005, the idea that any of the male leads would say ILU to another dude was absolutely unthinkable. A fan gave Dean’s actor an essay about his character being bi at a con (sidenote: cons should probably be abolished) and he wrote “?? No” on it and gave it back. In 2020 Castiel told Dean he loved him, and Dean’s actor was, like, swapping reaction videos to that moment with Castiel’s actor. 

Likewise, when Glee premiered in 2009, the show immediately sidelined Mercedes for Rachel, and constantly made jokes about how Mercedes would never be lead because she was lazy, unprincipled, didn’t want it enough, etc. In the finale episode, which aired in 2015, the show acknowledged that Schue (and by extension the show/network) never saw Mercedes as the lead because of the way she looked (both misogynoir and fatphobia). 

And I could give sooo many examples of Kurt storylines that were obviously rewritten to pacify homophobic viewers. For instance, in one s1 episode Kurt comes a little too strongly on Finn (but I should note everyone on that show came a little too strongly on their crushes, it was pretty much your usual teen show with toxic examples of human interaction). This angered a man to such a point that he approached the showrunners at Comic Con and demanded that Kurt apologize for being a creep. So in s2, even Kurt’s own dad calls him out on being a creep towards Finn, and he’s made to back off from a duet with a straight dude character because everyone makes him feel he was a creep for even thinking about it. 

Later on, Kurt switches schools for a while because he’s being targeted by a bully and he and Blaine talk about how no one does anything about homophobic bullying because people seem to feel that if you’re gay, then you’re just going to suffer. This line reminds me so much of how showrunners have approached Sana seasons. All the characters sort of act like, well, the Sanas have dared to be hijabi and racialized, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ there ain’t much the other characters can do about that suffering ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

The point I’m trying to make is that, yes, Castiel dying right after confessing he loves Dean and Dean’s feelings being up for interpretation is total bullshit when you can watch 73589 Netflix shows and a handful of Isak seasons with canonical representation, same gender affection, sex scenes, etc. but it is also something no show would’ve done when SPN first premiered in 2005. (When queer rep was a female character showing up in town during sweeps week to share a kiss with one of the female leads and then disappear to never be talked about again.) It was only possible because SPN lasted into 2020 when that scene is tame compared to what audiences are used to seeing in other (some more niche) shows. It was bullshit that Glee painted Mercedes as lazy to justify Rachel getting all the solos, but at least they lasted long enough that they could say, “yeah that happened for racist reasons.” It was bullshit that Kurt could only get face time if he was being tortured or crying, because homophobic audiences couldn’t take a, to use your word, “assertive” gay character who behaved like all the other Glee characters with crushes. But if it hadn’t been for Kurt and other similarly weeping gays, who’s to say we’d have had Isak (who was created in response to Norwegians teens watching American teen shows, remember!), Cris, Matteo, etc. etc. 

Are audiences going to be racist and fatphobic and misogynistic in response to Ava’s season? Yep! But an Ava season would do something Glee never allowed Mercedes to do, and it’s to be the star of the show. (And ngl, “it’s yo girl Mercedes” was such a recurring phrase on Glee that I’ve wondered whether Ava’s ig name is a lowkey inspired by it.) Without Kurt there wouldn’t be an Isak, and without Mercedes there wouldn’t be an Ava. So an Ava season needs to happen regardless of fandom being ready for it. 

[lovemishjen]

Reading reviews of 15x20 on IMDB is so cathartic

 this can't be serious

15 years of character development right out the window. i watched the episode with zero expectations and still managed to get disappointed. can't believe not a single person during the steps of its production stopped and said "hold on...are we sure this is how we want to be remembered"

                                                     *** 

I feel like I got lobotomised

This episode gave me covid, I also feel like Sam's wig had covid.

                                                     ***  

They had all the pieces for a beautiful ending and instead took a 180 and drove the show into the ground

Even my worst imagined ending was better than this. All the character arcs were forgotten for season 1 nostalgia. It was so out of character. Nothing like Dabb's other episodes. What happened?

                                                    ***  

Pulling the ending out of a Cards Against Humanity deck would've been better

This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with rebar to the back and a party city clearance wig.

                                                   ***

 2020 please stop

After 15 years that's how you ended a great show ??????? terrible

                                                   ***  

supernatural wanted to beat game of thrones for worst series finale and it shows.

The supernatural series finale felt like it was one big april fool’s joke except it's november and nobody's laughing.

                                                    ***

If I could give this negative stars, I would.

Some of the most awful writing to come out of this entire series. I don't know what Andrew Dabb was thinking. Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki deserve accolades, they put on an acting clinic, but even their phenomenal performances cannot salvage this entirely and that is the real crime here. Fifteen years of character development thrown in the garbage, the themes of family not ending in blood, of "good things do happen" (hope against all odds, survival), and the meta narrative around the Winchesters beating the Author to finally write their own story right along with it. And that's not even going into the other relationships and characters which were dropped like hot potatoes as though the entire season prior was irrelevant. This wasn't just Covid, either. From statements given by cast and crew and Dabb himself, this ending was planned even prior to the pandemic, so using that as an excuse rings extremely hollow. Now I understand why Jensen said he was unhappy with the ending - turns out, he was right to.

                                                   ***  

I laughed I cried it was worse than Bugs

I don't even want to talk about it. Save yourself time, and go find a better ending on Ao3.

                                                   ***  

The bar was so low. Yet they still managed to get underneath it.

Worst series finale I've ever seen. Truly, it could not have been worse. The GOT ending is a masterpiece compared to this.

                                                    ***  

bro what ???

Why did these last two episodes feel like a fever dream? they were so out of character. season 15 was about defying destiny, but in the end they all became exactly what they were supposed to be, kinda horrible lazy writing if u ask me.

                                                    ***  

First time i cried while watching smth because it was that bad

I can't believe people get payed for that level of writing. 15-year-olds on AO3 do better. SPN wasn't good last several seasons but that series finale just hit the bottom broke the floor and descended to writers's hell

                                                    ***  

Sorry Jensen

Dean deserved so much better. He fought for other people all his life then he fought for his own free will and never got to live for himself for more than a week before being killed off in such a mundane way for shock value.

                                                    ***  

Only 1 star and it's for the dog

Terrible ending. Basically forgot all the character developments? I feel bad for the cast, after all those years their characters deserved a way better ending than that.

                                                     ***  

Defeat God, and you'll be murdered by a NAIL.

And don't even get me started on Jareds wig. He be walking around like Doc Brown.

                                                     ***  

THE WRITERS WERE HIGH

Why that cas-baiting? why those 'where's misha' jokes. you didn't bother to give misha a proper farewell, made cas's last scene a 'fake call from lucifer' but had the audacity to make it like "will he be there/will not he" knowing fully well that castiel is not gonna appear in the final episode. i didn't think I'd find a more disappointing ending than game of thrones, but supernatural did it. i didn't have much expectations going into the finale, but this, this was so freaking low. castiel and dean deserved better. this episode destroyed each and every story arc in 40 minutes.

                                                       ***  

only the sweet release of death can undo this

If i could travel back in time and euthanise myself before i ever had to suffer this flop of a finale, i would

                                                         ***  

is this a joke

So... i'm choosing to pretend the last 2 episodes of the show did not exist because otherwise i genuinely will never be able to enjoy the rest of the show again. jensen and jared did a wonderful job with the absolutely horrific script they were handed, but there was no saving this dumpster fire of an episode. yikes. cas and misha deserve better.

[sakuwriteshere]

The Apple Pie in My Life - Chapter 8

Summary: What happened between two best friends when someone messes with their lives? Can the past changes the future or can the future changes the past?

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Female!Reader

Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Female!Reader, OC Abbigail, OC James, OC Alex, OC Purson, Castiel

Words count: 4160

Warnings: Slight angst, cursed words (?)

A/N: As per usual, this is unbetated and I’m sorry for any grammar mistakes or error spelling. Comments are loved!

Chapter 8: The hunt begins

One week later, the five of you had fallen in a perfect routine. You shared a room with the twins, while Sam and Dean shared the one next to yours. As promised, you and Dean were civils to each other, you didn’t talk a lot but at least Sam and the kids weren’t the messengers between the both of you anymore.

You entered your room after a short stop at the store, bringing some food. You walked silently as you noticed James sleeping in one of the beds, Abby sitting next to him, her back resting against the headboard, a book laying on her lap.

“Wanna eat something?” You whispered, not wanting to disturb the sleeping boy. God you knew he needed some rest, you all did.

Abbigail nodded and you handed her a chocolate donut before taking one for yourself and sat on the other bed.

“You’re really close, right?” You asked after you’ve watched them for a moment.

Abbigail closed her book and swallowed what she had in her mouth. Her head turned in her brother’s direction for a second before she focused her eyes on you.

“He’s my little brother. I have to take care of him.” She shrugged, matter of factly.

“You’re twins.” You chuckled, rubbing your hands together to get rid of the sugar on it.

“I was born first.” She grinned but it disappeared quickly.

“I’m sure they’re fine.” You tried to reassure her, you saw the distress on her face, she was thinking about her parents for sure.

Abbigail nodded. “Yeah, I know they are.” She mumbled before looking at you again. “For now.”

You didn’t know why but you felt a strange feeling coursing through your body. You cleared your throat and picked the lore book you were reading earlier.

“You seem pretty close to your parents. How are they?” You asked, hoping she would smile more as she spoke of them.

“They’re the best.” She said, you knew she meant it. Those kids really loved their parents. You couldn’t understand why, though.

You loved your parents as well, because well...they were your parents, you didn’t have a choice, but you were also angry at them for pushing you in this kind of life. However, James and Abby, they didn’t seem to mind it. What kind of parents, in their right mind, would push their kids into danger?

“Stop it.” You heard Abby’s soft voice. Your head snapped in her direction and you saw a sad smile on her face.

“I know what you’re thinking and believe me when I say it’s not like that.” She said as she stood up carefully and pulled the covers on James’ body.

“They didn’t have a choice.” She added as she sat next to you, her hands clasped together on her lap.

“Our family is… it’s complicated. We’re not really hunting monsters anymore, but the monsters are still after us. I think that’s what you get for having parents as goddamn hunters.” She chuckled.

You grabbed her hands and squeezed gently, giving her an encouraging smile.

“I know they didn’t want this kind of life for us. They wanted us to be innocents and unaware of the ugly truth as long as possible, but they also realized quickly that James and I were the perfect targets. They didn’t have a choice and told us the truth when we were old enough to understand it.”

“That must have been scary.” You told her, remembering the day your parents had the same speech with you. You remembered that day perfectly, when they told you to be scared of what could hide in the dark. As a kid, you had nightmares about monsters being real and what they could do to you.

“Not really.” Abby’s answer surprised you.

“Do you fear lions or sharks? ” She asked you, you didn’t understand the sudden change of topic.

“Not really. I wouldn’t be brave if I was standing in front of one but I don’t fear them.”

Abby nodded knowingly. “I feel the same about monsters. Mom and Dad told us we need to be wary of them but not being scared. We’re not hunting them but we know what to do if we’re facing one of them. See what I mean?”

You nodded, pondering on the thought. You had to admit it was a clever move. At least those kids weren’t raised in constant fear. Though, it was a bit too easy to compare a wild animal with a monster. The dangers weren’t the same, animals weren’t purely evil contrary to monsters. You broke from your thoughts when you felt her hands trembling. You called her name softly and heard a strangle sob.

“I don’t know what to do.” She admitted between more sobs.

“Hey, hey, hey. Come here.” You said in a soothing voice as you let go of her hands and wrapped your arms around her fragile frame.

“I miss them so much. It’s not the same here.” She cried, her face pressed against your chest, one of her hands fisting your shirt.

“I know sweety.” You hugged her strongly. You didn’t know why but you had this sudden huge need to reassure her. You rested your chin on the top of her head while your hand stroked her back gently and started to rock the both of you back and forth.

“I’m not strong enough. I need them.” She cried more, and you’ve never felt so helpless in your life. You wanted to reassure her. You needed to make sure the both of them were safe.

“We’ll find them.” You promised as you kissed the top of her head.

*** You entered the boys’ room a few moments later, once Abbigail fell asleep, the poor girl was exhausted after crying. You were more determined than ever after such a heart breaking scene.

“Where’s your brother?” You asked Dean when you noticed he was alone in his room.

Dean didn’t even spare a glance at you and simply pointed at the bathroom door as he kept his eyes on the book in front of him. Soon the bathroom door opened and Sam came out, smiling softly as a way to acknowledge your presence.

“We need to find this demon.” You told the boys as Sam sat in front of his laptop on the table.

“Wow thanks for the advice. Why didn’t I think of it before?” Dean snickered humorlessly.

You glared at him and put your fists on your hips, he was so getting on your nerves.

“Don’t start you two.” Sam said before you had the time to speak.

You rolled your eyes and huffed, your arms falling against your sides as you walked towards Sam, showing Dean your back. You read on the screen the information Sam was working on, something about some demon, kings and guardians of Hell apparently, your eyes falling on a familiar name quickly before Sam scrolled the text down.

“Wait!” You grabbed Sam’s arm and stopped him.

“Purson?” You read out loud.

“According to the kids, he’s the demon we’re looking for but I can’t find anything about him.” Sam explained, an edge in his voice as he felt useless, he’s been searching for this demon for a week but couldn’t find a lot about him.

“We’re not even sure he really exists.” Dean said from his bed.

“Oh he exists alright.” You murmured between clenched teeth.

“Y/N?” Sam called your name as you straighten your back.

“That’s the name of the demon who took me.” You told him out of the blue, you were already thinking deeply about the fact that your case and the kids’ were the same. “Shit! He was talking about Abby and James!” You thought out loud, when you remembered he had asked you about kids.

“Wait. What?” Dean stood up from his bed in one jump, one of his hands grabbing your wrist and forcing you to turn around. “And you kept this information from us because...?”

You shrugged him off, your brain working at full speed, trying to put two and two together.

“I forgot about him. Didn’t think both cases were linked.” You explained absentmindedly, waving your hand around as a matter of fact.

“Well, good job with that.” Dean mocked angrily.

You rolled your eyes back again, having enough of his temper. “You’re one to talk. You forgot to mention it to me too.”

“Calm down both of you.” Sam came between you two, preventing any fight.

“Why me? I didn’t know about the kids before this incident. Why did he think I would know anything about them? And why does Alex help him?” You thought out loud, too many questions whirling in your head.

“Alex? You’re still with him?” Dean scoffed when he heard the name.

“I’ve never been with him.” You replied back, looking at Dean as if he was crazy.

“Wait, who’s Alex?” Sam asked, totally lost in the argument.

“Y/N’s boyfriend in highschool.” Dean answered Sam, a strange taste in the back of his throat.

“For the love of God!” You sighed loudly. “He was not my boyfriend! I barely knew him!”

Dean muttered something you couldn’t get. “What?” You asked him to say it again.

“Nothing.” Dean shrugged his shoulders, he tried his hardest to remain civil.

Sam was deeply thinking about everything. He had more information than you two, he had kept them from you because the twins had asked him to. Suddenly it hit him.

“Is there any chance that what you’re talking about was when we were at Truman’s High?” He asked and you and Dean froze at the name.

“Were you going to attend some kind of a party? A prom maybe?” He asked once more, and judging by the way you and Dean acted, Sam knew he was onto something.

“This is not your business!” Dean and you told Sam angrily, you glanced at each other and looked quickly at opposite sides. Sam pondered for a long minute before heading to the door.

“Where the hell are you going?” Dean asked his brother.

“I need to check something. I’ll be right back.” Sam said, opening the door. He stopped in his tracks, turned around and pointed a finger at both of you. “Behave.” He warned you before leaving.

Dean and you looked at each other, then you tensed and chose opposite sides, staying away from each other as far as possible. The mention of that particular night, opening deep, painful wounds for the both of you.

*** Sam entered the room you shared with the twins. He shook Abby’s body gently, not wanting to scare her. Once her eyes started to flutter open, he did the same with James. The young boy rubbed the back of his hand over his sleepy eyes and yawned loudly.

“Uncle Sammy? What’s wrong?” James asked once he made sure it was only the three of them inside the room.

Sam grabbed a chair from the corner of the room and put it in front of the beds.

“I don’t have the time to explain why but I need you to tell me exactly what happened during that prom night.” Sam told them, sitting on the chair.

Both kids sat on the edge of their bed, blinking the sleepiness from their eyes.

“What? Why?” Abbigail asked.

Sam shook his head hurriedly. “Just answer the question, please.”

The urgency in his voice was enough for them to oblige.

“There’s nothing special, really.” James shrugged, then looked at his sister who shrugged as well.

“Grandpa left you and Dad while he went to hunt,” James started to tell as their father did when they were young. Sam shifted in his seat, hearing his own dad being called grandpa was rather disturbing.

“Mom was there too, our grand-parents leaving her for the rest of the year so she could finish it normally. Then you were leaving and Dad couldn’t bear seeing Mom sad so he promised her he would go with her at the prom.”

Sam listened carefully, nodding from time to time when he remembered a few things from that time. He vaguely remembered how happy Dean was when John accepted to lend him the Impala for that night.

“Then they went and danced the whole night. Dad said that when he left her in her room that night he realized he was in love with Mom. Then he left because Grandpa needed him for a job.” Abby finished the story.

“Did something happen that night? Did they kiss or said something about their feelings maybe?” Sam asked them as he tried to spot the differences between the story told and his own past.

The twins shook their heads no at the same time.

“Nothing changed after that night. They ended together many years later, after Dad came back from…” James trailed off.

“From Hell.” Sam finished for him. The fact that Dean came back from Hell a few months ago was certainly not a coincidence. “I think I know what Purson’s trying to do.” Sam said as he stood up on his feet. “We need to tell them the truth about you.”

“We can’t! That’s too dangerous!” The twins jumped from their bed at the same time and Sam finally understood how people felt when Dean and he spoke as one. This was kind of disturbing.

“Uncle Sammy, what if we say something you should not know and change our past?” James asked, worried.

“I think it’s already too late to fear the consequences.” Sam whispered.

The sound of glass breaking resonated from the other room and the three of them exited their room to see Dean slamming the door as he walked towards his car with angry steps. The door opened again and you got out, your fists clenched tightly.

“Running away again instead of facing me, huh? You’re such a coward, Winchester!” You yelled at him.

Dean stopped in his tracks and turned around. “What did you say?” A dark glint in his eyes and his voice menacing.

“You heard me perfectly.” You lifted your head so you could look at him right in the eyes. You weren’t backing away.

“Oh sweetheart,” He chuckled darkly, the nickname not friendly by no means. He came closer to you, stopping only a few inches away from you and stared you down. “I’m a lot of things but I certainly am not a coward.” He said, his voice low and full of hate, thanks to the proximity you could see how hard his jaws were clenched.

“Don’t sweetheart me, you lost that right a long time ago.” You said with the same tone he just used seconds ago.

“Dean. Y/N.” Sam tried to interfere.

“Stay out of it!” You both shouted at Sam, still staring at each other. It was a battle, the first one who would look away was the loser.

“You’re right you’re far worse than a coward. You’re a liar, always sweetalking people to ruin their lives the next second.”

“Oh? Because now, I’ve ruined your life? You know what…” Dean said but stopped when he noticed movements from the corner of his eye.

His eyes fell on the kids, and more particularly on their teary eyes. The twins’ entwined hands shaking subtly, their other free hand fisting into Sam’s shirt, the fear written all over their faces. Seeing this, Dean calmed down slightly. He perfectly knew how the kids felt, he was just like them when he was around their age and witnessed a fight between his Dad and Sam. Then Dean looked at you again, the rage still burning into your eyes.

“I have enough of this shit.” He spat, then took a step back and headed for his car once again.

“Dean, come on!” Sam called, defeated.

“Good riddance.” You muttered as you turned around and walked toward your room.

“Dean!” The twins called him as well, Abby taking a step in his direction.

Dean ignored them, circling in front of his car, the keys jiggling as he took them out from his pocket.

“Dean!” James tried again, coming closer to his sister and holding her hand. He hated seeing her helpless.

The car door squeaked as he opened it, still ignoring their pleas. He needed to get out of here, to clear his mind and maybe cool down.

“Dad, please!” Abbigail begged, her voice breaking.

Time had stopped at the moment, everyone frozen in their place. You were standing on the doorstep, your eyes wide opened, not believing what you heard. You turned around so slowly, afraid you would trip, so you could see what was going on with the others.

Sam and James had their backs straightened, unmoving, you wondered if they stopped breathing. In front of them was Abbigail who had fallen on her knees at some point, looking at Dean desperately, as if she was afraid that he would disappear if she blinked. You knew she was crying as you heard the sniffling sounds coming from her.

And then, there was Dean. He was perfectly still. One leg inside the car, one hand pressed on the rooftop, his lips parted slightly as he couldn’t stare away from Abbigail. This couldn’t be true. The poor girl might have a slip of the tongue.

“Dad please, I need you.” Despite how broken her voice was as she choked on the words, Dean and you heard her perfectly, ringing just like a bell. Confirming what you’ve already heard a few seconds before.

You knew that Dean was a womanizer but never would you have thought he had kids, and as old as they were, nonetheless. You didn’t register James walking towards you, your mind too focused on Abby’s revelation to notice any movement.

However, you felt all the air leaving your lungs when you heard his shaky voice next to you.

“I need you too, Mom.”

TAPiML tags:  @fandomoverdose666​​​ , @eternaleviee , @slytherinrising​​​ , @vicmc624​​​ , @music-is-all-i-need​​​ , 

[mittensmorgul]

i've been seeing speculation that michael was lying to castiel and dean, so if that's true, is it possible he is only pretending to care for adam too?

Hi there! You’re probably hoping for a short, direct answer here, but congratulations! You’ve won today’s “imma turn this into an essay about 9 other things that are all directly related to the thing you thought was a simple question” essay prompt contest!

I will give you a tl;dr right up front, though, in case you’re already rolling your eyes at me (sorry, I can’t help who I am as a person... but I do try to be helpful).

I think they made it pretty clear in the diner scene that Adam and Michael have a really interesting relationship. You spend a decade locked inside your own mind with a guy, and you either start getting along or you kill each other, you know? So no, I don’t think he’s pretending to care about Adam. I think Michael and Adam have-- as Adam told Dean-- come to an agreement. Rather than spiraling into hatred and mutual torture, they chose to understand one another (to the degree that a human is capable of understanding an archangel and vice versa). I can’t imagine sharing that sort of companionship with someone for a decade and NOT at least feeling some sort of care for the other.

I wrote something about this the other day, about what Michael’s choices showed us about his feelings for Adam, here:

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/189648100025/why-didnt-michael-go-to-chuck-after-lilith-came

They’re freed from the cage after a decade, and Michael could’ve just... left, you know? Nothing’s tying him to Adam at this point. And he’s indulging Adam’s human needs for food and comfort, and Adam’s assumptions that they will continue to live together in some weird little curtain fic of a domestic scenario despite Michael being a freaking archangel who could pull the whole “chained to a comet” thing we’ve seen so many other angels pull and do whatever he wants... (including AU!Michael and what he did to Dean... the arrangement Adam and Michael have more closely resembles what Dean was trying to negotiate for himself with AU!Michael, which just makes it hurt so much more when Dean sees Adam and Michael’s arrangement).

That said, like so much of s15, do we really know what Michael’s motivations are now? I don’t feel comfortable saying for sure that Adam actually knows, either. The show has just reminded us vividly of the long con that was s4 with the odd return of Lilith as a narrative device to manipulate Sam and Dean (and now Michael). And the struggle against destiny that was s5. Michael was a major agent in BOTH of those seasons (and Adam was the unwitting “clammy scrap of bait” that Heaven used to unsuccessfully trap Dean in 5.18). We don’t know what Michael wants, because his entire purpose for being was foiled in 5.22, and he’s been living with the consequences of that ever since. But more importantly, I don’t think *Michael* knows what he wants anymore, in a world where his entire purpose was rendered moot.

Imagine living for BILLIONS of years knowing that someday you will enact a specific series of events to prove your love and devotion to God, with the belief that will win God’s favor and earn yourself an eternal reward, only to be foiled literally on the brink of success and then return to a world where God had never actually left at all and had just been using you as an actor for his own entertainment. Not only that, you weren’t even unique... just one of countless iterations of the same being across a vast number of universes, and that you hadn’t actually been cast in the starring role at all, but had merely been a bit player in one act of the Grand Performance?

Can he really accept that his entire existence had been a lie? As God’s first and favorite creation, does he even trust what Cas has shown him, or would he doubt and go directly to Chuck to confront him about the truth?

I’ve been meaning to compile a list of all the scenes and references in the montage Cas showed to Michael, but that will take some doing. :’D

I think my main question right now is whether Michael has already confronted Chuck via prayer, or whether he set the whole “Leviathan blossom hunt” up as a means to earn his freedom from Dean and Cas while not tipping his hand about his doubts yet. The minor earthquake he set off... was that due to his frustration at accepting what Cas showed him as the truth, or his frustration at not being able to communicate with Chuck (Enochian handcuffs, you know? block powers like that), or his frustration at having questioned Chuck directly via prayer or some other magical means and his renewed belief that he was being lied to or manipulated by TFW? We truly do not know yet.

That’s the beauty of s15. That’s the main theme of s15, actually-- what is REAL, and what’s Chuck’s story?

I think the thing that’s bothered me the most about this season so far is the assumption that we know anything plot-related is absolute fact and exactly what it appears to be on the surface. Because the entire season is built on the revelation that we literally know nothing about what is real and what is performance and what is manipulation.

Remember Ruby? How many of us at least cautiously believed her back in s3 and s4, before we began to be shown reasons to doubt her? And all along, Ruby had been an agent of Lilith, the only one who’d known the whole plan from the start. Which is ironic when you compare it with Lilith’s role in s15... with the whole “I can’t fail him.” They’re all layers of plot devices like manipulative little nesting dolls, and I’m incredibly wary of trusting anything in a world where Chuck can send innocent souls to Hell on a whim (Eileen, Kevin....) for plot reasons.

Chuck long ago stopped interacting with his creation by his own rules, you know? In contrast to Billie and her Rules, which she’ll bend on occasion but never outright violate. Chuck’s story went so far off the rails after 5.22 that the new “rules” of his plot often directly contradicted the old rules-- especially after 11.23, when he reunited with Amara. I don’t think he ever accounted for that, and it shows in his ongoing narrative after their reunification.

Chuck’s story didn’t change. He still kept trying to write to the same themes, to the same narrative end-- one sibling sacrificing the other for the good of creation, because Sam and Dean had as yet refused to let that ending stick, you know? Over and over, TFW has proven that narrative can’t stand, right up to Dean talking Chuck and Amara through exactly WHY it couldn’t stand. Love.

Chuck refuses to change-- as Becky told him, as Amara told him, as EVERYONE is telling him. He doesn’t love his creation, he wants it to be a reflection of his own issues, as some sort of moral justification of his essential “rightness.” He wants to feel “big.” He’s been unmasked, and knows he can’t carry on the charade of Benevolent and Caring Creator anymore. His characters have confronted him, FINALLY, as the Actual Author, and not the proxy/puppet that “Chuck the Prophet” had been back in 4.18.

But it’s been, so far in s15, impossible to know at a glance what elements of creation are nothing more than Chuck’s sock puppets (though Lilith lampshaded herself as a sock puppet almost immediately, within the span of a single episode). What are Chuck’s plot contrivances? What are his “traps?”

Was the hunter Sue-- Eileen’s friend that she trusted without hesitation in 15.08 and who would lure her and Sam to a hunt, only to unmask herself as Chuck-- the only sock puppet in that scene? Or is this like 4.18, where there are layers upon layers of sock puppets acting out one of Chuck’s tests? Where it appeared that Zachariah had manipulated Chuck’s “visions” to control the narrative, but later revelations would prove it was all Chuck’s bigger game? Even by 4.22 we’d see Zachariah for the puppet he was, even if he wouldn’t be defeated until 5.18.

But the context the show has now given us with Chuck’s manipulation of the entire story opens the possibility that-- even as we’ve seen through the chaotic spiral of his own twisted narrative-- he’s still exerting far more control over the story than we can see yet.

ISN’T IT THRILLING?!

[nellie-elizabeth]

Supernatural: Inherit the Earth (15x19)

That was somehow simultaneously a crowded mess, and a complete anticlimax. I'm literally just like... super confused and afraid about what the finale is going to be now.

Cons:

Sam's the dog person. That's part of canon. I liked the moment when Dean found the dog, or whatever, but I wish Sam had gotten a moment with the puppy too, before Chuck took it away. A small thing, but one of those typical wrong details in Buckleming episodes, where it just honestly doesn't seem like they know the characters very well.

Lucifer and Michael have a fight in the Bunker and Michael takes Lucifer out really, really easily. So like. Remember when the first five seasons of the show were the buildup to the Apocalypse, and Sam sacrificed himself for an eternity in Lucifer's Cage to stop it from happening? Apparently a fight between the two archangels is just a bit of fisticuffs, nothing to get worked up about. That annoyed me. But I guess consistency has never been something this show has cared much about...

Also just... Lucifer in general, coming back for like five minutes so he can mug at the camera and then be unceremoniously killed? Here's the thing: we had Billie as Death, and she hated them but maybe it would have been interesting to see her and the boys team up to figure out Chuck's ending... but instead, she's gone, Lucifer gets a pointless return, provides us with another Death, who is there for two seconds, says a couple of vaguely funny lines, and then dies... and we still never find out what's in the book.

The fight with Chuck was so badly edited! It was so weird to see him just wail on Sam and Dean, and repeated shots of him hitting them, and them getting up, while he kept saying "okay fellas, enough, please stay down" over and over again. Given that the whole "erasing the people from the world" thing was so much like Infinity War, I kept comparing this fight with God to the climax of Endgame. In that instance, you have a small group of intrepid fighters going up against a big bad evil, and then just at the moment when they're run down and helpless, the whole crowd of friends returns and joins in the fight. Instead of that, it's just Jack showing up and absorbing God's powers, and then they leave him begging on the beach. Not a bad ending for Chuck, which I'll get to in a moment, but the epic-ness was seriously missing from this final showdown.

So, when Jack returned the world to its normal state, did he bring back all of their friends, too? I want to believe this was something that Covid took away from them, where instead of seeing shots of Charlie and her girlfriend, of Donna, Jody, the girls, Bobby, Eileen, they were forced to use stock footage of just random people around the world returning. Would have been cooler to see the epic return... and also super weird that Sam and Dean sit quietly in the bunker talking about free will, and we don't see Sam pull out his phone and call his girlfriend, like... I get not wanting to muddy the ending of the episode with a lot of fallout stuff, and I'm sure we'll get that next week? Like, I hope, anyway? But as it stood for this hour of television, it was super weird to me that the boys didn't immediately want to check on all of their friends to make sure everyone had returned from the dead.

Jack becoming the new God is actually a totally appropriate ending, people were speculating that he'd be the new God or Death or Empty, or some cosmic entity, anyway... and this honestly felt very fitting... BUT, I will say that there are two really, really stupid things about it. One, his "I'm everything and everywhere now" speech was super cheesy... "I'm in the air and the rocks and every drop of rain" or whatever. Such a cliche, I was almost painfully embarrassed listening to him. I honestly would have preferred less is more, here. Like, what if he'd said the stuff about how humans can be their best when they need to be, that was a good line... and then Sam says "what if we want to see you? Grab a beer?" And Jack just says "I'm around" and then vanishes, leaving it vague? I think the idea of a hands-off deity is perfect, of course... makes sense for the "free will wins the day" ending we've got going here, but I didn't think stating it outright was the best move.

The second reason Jack becoming God was rendered kind of comedically awful in the way it happened is... well, elephant in the room, let's talk about how Cas was handled in this episode.

Here's a quote from last week's review:

"I'm worried that Cas dying is gonna get swallowed up with everyone dying and not get its due, thus making the confession completely isolated. Like, here you go, gays, have this one scene, which, in isolation is quite heartfelt from Cas' perspective, but can be carefully boxed up and not touched for the last two hours of the show. If they don't want to touch on how this would affect Dean specifically, they don't have to. He can be generally angsty and sad about Cas, but they could get away with never bringing it up again, and that is some grade-A level bullshit right there, my friends."

And... yeah. Look, I know there are people on Tumblr right now saying that this episode being the "brothers only" ending means that next week we'll get Cas back and Dean will confess his love or whatever... but y'all, it's not going to happen. I'm sorry. I'd love to be wrong. If I'm wrong, I will gladly eat crow and celebrate along with the rest of you, but I just... I've been burned before. I know what's going on here, and it's not what you think it is.

Dean was undeniably devastated in this episode. We see him drinking to excess, falling asleep on the floor, grasping onto tiny moments of joy like with the dog and then being furious and upset when they fall through. But that devastation was not textually about Cas specifically. Sure, there were moments, like him telling God to bring everything back, and then namedropping Cas specifically. Or the way he ran up the stairs when Cas' voice was on the phone. But what I'm saying is? Those are crumbs, there for those of us who care to gobble up, easily ignored and subsumed by the larger losses the boys are suffering. Sam is devastated too, guys. About his girlfriend, about Charlie, about Donna, and Jody, etc. etc. etc. Who's to say their grief is any different from one another, even though they're handling it with different coping mechanisms? The "I love you" wasn't even on the "previously on".

Like. There's a universe where Dean does get a moment of Cas-related catharsis in the finale, even though Misha's not coming back. Maybe he has a private moment to grieve just for him, to contemplate that specific loss. But I'm telling you: I don't care if an openly gay man wrote 15x18, I don't care that Misha found it moving. The bottom line is, Cas confessing his love for Dean was the moment of catharsis the show was willing to offer us. We ain't getting much else.

So going back to Jack, why on earth does nobody suggest that maybe when he's popping the rest of the world back to the way it's supposed to be, he also brings Cas back? This is what I'm talking about with contrived sacrifices. Last week, they could have written a way for Dean to get out of that scrape without Cas dying. And this week, Jack's determination to be a "hands-off" God is not enough to explain why he wouldn't restore his father Castiel from the Empty. Especially since Chuck brought Lucifer back from the Empty, proving that God can do that. Even though that contradicts earlier lore but whatever. The point is, I'm saying it's sloppy. Cas' death, Cas staying dead, does not feel like an earned inevitability to me. I'm prepared to eat my words if they bring him back in the finale, but even if that happens (which it won't), he's not going to be smooching Dean Winchester on the mouth, y'all. He's just not.

So then that ending. "Finally free," says Dean, completely unaware that he's echoing the theme from the end of season five but making it hopeful now for some reason? And that end montage felt like an ending 100%, and I won't say it was bad to see it, see all the memories, the characters... I mean, Charlie dancing in the elevator, getting glimpses of Ellen and Jo, Bobby, Crowley... I'm not going to complain about that, it was honestly quite fun, but it also felt extremely anticlimactic and gave us no sense of where the characters are going to go from here. And yes, I know we have an episode next week, it's just...

Here's the thing I'm scared of, and I'm going to go ahead and put it here in the "cons" section because I don't know where it belongs yet. Despite my complaints about this episode, thematically there was one thing it got right: the answer to defeating Chuck wasn't destined, it wasn't in a book of preordained endings. They had to come up with it by themselves, using the tools at their disposal, and they won, and they get free will now, they get the release from having someone else tell their story. Great. So... what does that leave us next week?

As mentioned above, I really don't think the final 43 minutes is going to be an epic gay love story where Dean fights to get Cas back, I really don't. That leaves us two options: either a tepid re-tread of the themes already established, an epilogue of sorts where we just get to see a life in the day, a new normal for the boys. I wouldn't be furious about this, but I also think it won't really feel like closure for me. They just keep hunting? They keep saving people? That's fine, I guess, but they can't really walk back the fact that God is their son, can they? When they die the next time, do they go to the Empty? Who is Death, now? Are Heaven and Hell okay? Are we meant to be convinced that nothing will ever come back to bite them in the ass, they'll live long lives, and a benevolent afterlife is waiting for them when it's over? I'm not convinced I believe in things being that simple, so it sort of seems like the show would end by saying "okay, and more of the same."

The second possibility is worse, though, that being a total status-quo shift, like the end comes and the Empty is after them and they have to become the new Death and Empty as some speculated, or some wild harebrained plot twist gets thrown in at the last second and undoes the actual good parts of the theme established here. I hope for the first, but I don't know that it'll make me happy, to be quite honest. I really don't want it to feel this way, but Cas being gone is the big elephant in the room, for me. It truly is.

Pros:

I did like the earlier parts of the episode, the eeriness and the helplessness of them being alone. Continuing with the Avengers comparisons, it was very similar to the long, slow opening to Endgame, where we see a lot of grief, a lot of helplessness, an lot of directionless moping. That felt appropriate and it made it all the more invigorating when Michael showed up, giving us a spark of direction in which to move.

While I thought the fight with Chuck was edited really strangely and didn't work for me, I did like this ending for Chuck. Very much like the end of Avatar: The Last Airbender. Chuck doesn't die, which he honestly would have found a satisfying, creative ending for his story. Instead, he gets to live on as a normal human, sans powers, and be forgotten. Brutal and appropriate! It ties back into the free will thing. Chuck can do whatever he wants with his remaining time, but he can't steal other people's choices from them any longer. It's the black and the white, the good and the bad, of being just... human. Which ties in with Sam and Dean being more or less hopeful about their outlook moving forward. (God, I'm so fucking scared they're going to screw up the few things I liked about this episode in next week's finales.)

Like I said, I did find Jack becoming God an appropriate ending for him as a character. It's the right type of bittersweet: he's there, and we can imagine that in the future, he does go visit Sam and Dean for a beer. Or maybe he doesn't, and that's okay too. Knowing he's at peace, knowing he's benevolent, and that he'll do the best he can for the people of the world(s). It's nice, a comforting deity instead of a manipulative overlord. And the fact that his benevolence and kindness and compassion are born out of a human mother, and two human fathers, and an angel who embraced humanity with everything in himself... instead of from Lucifer, who tried to create him in his image? Well, that's a lovely resolution for a character that became a surprising favorite over the years.

As I think I mentioned last week, I'm willing to let this show manipulate my emotions here at the end, when it can manage to do so. So yeah, of course I loved that Cas and Jack's names are added to the table along with SW, DW, and MW. Obviously that's adorable as hell. And as I said, the montage worked for me, it was certainly quite lovely. I just... like I said at the start of this, I'm just frankly terrified of what's coming next week.

I mean, here's the thing, I want an ending that honors Sam and Dean as the protagonists of this show, but I want it where they live in the bunker, and Eileen and returned-from-the-dead-Castiel live with them as their partners. If someone told me I couldn't change a thing about what's happened so far, but I could decide how the last episode went, that's how I'd end it. Showing a network of hunters getting support and able to live more stable, reasonable lives while still doing a dangerous job. Sam embracing his intellectual prowess and running things from the bunker, Dean and Cas going out on the road, Sam and Eileen going out on the road, or any combination therein. Jack watching over them benevolently from above. Jody and Donna and the girls living their best lives. Kaia and Claire as a couple, onscreen. A glimpse of a more stable afterlife, now that Jack is there to run things, the confirmation of a peaceful ending whenever our human protagonists do finally shuffle off this mortal coil. Peace, but change, too.

I just don't believe that's what we're getting. I can't believe it, and that makes me really frightened for what comes next week. I'm prepared to be pissed off. Quite frankly, I'm expecting it.

6/10