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redfoxwritesstuff · 2 months

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A Misdemeanor Of The Heart, Chapter 3 (Alastor x reader)

Banner Alastors done by @blobin456drawz <3 Human Alastor x married reader Rated Adult Chapter Trigger Warnings: Time period typical language and attitudes related to LGBTQIA+, referenced marital sexual assault and the aftermath, Laurence is an ass

Please be mindful. This story is dark and triggering at times. I've written portions to elicit an emotional reaction. As you should always do with dark content, even if you're not at risk of being triggered, please step back and take a breather when needed.

Now, thanks to Nyx Productions, with Audio! Part 1, part 2, part 3

Masterlist AO3 KoFi

Join us at VoxTek for a Vox themed Hazbin Discord. And my friend runs a Hazbin Fic Community

Clenching your eyes closed against the light, you focused on your breathing as you swam up from sleep, fighting against the current pulling you toward wakefulness.

You didn’t want to be awake. It didn’t hurt when you were asleep. You were at peace when you were asleep. It wasn’t safe to be awake. The world nor your body cared however and all you could do was pretend.

The bed shifted as Laurence silenced the alarm clock perched on his nightstand with a groan. There was a jerk of the mattress as he flopped back down, taking a few more moments of rest for himself without a care for how it would jostle you or if doing so would cause pain to flair in your body. Maybe he knew and just didn’t care. After a minute that felt like an eternity longer, the mattress again shifted as Laurence sat up and swung his feet to the ground. It was time for him to start his day.

You remained still, even as the weight of him left the bed. You counted the seconds, pacing each breath you took as you tried to keep your eyes peacefully closed, not clenched.

If you were still asleep, maybe he would leave you alone. If you were still asleep, maybe you could rest a little longer.

“Get up,” Laurence ordered.

When you didn’t respond, he shoved your hip harshly, rocking your whole lower body. Pain flared from what felt like everywhere at the harsh touch. A moan slipped out before you could swallow it. Still, you pretended to be asleep on the off chance that he would leave you be.

Icey air shocked your body into alertness as he ripped the blankets from your body. Gooseflesh spread over your kegs and arms as you gasped, body curling in on itself to trap what heat it could.

It was often cold in the mornings. Laurence wasn’t fond of a warm room at night. You accepted that, though he used to not mind it so much and would feed the furnace a bit before bed to keep the chill from turning bitter in the night. You missed that.

“Get up or the pillow is next.” Laurance threatened. His voice was low and heavy with sleep, matching his mood.

“Please,” you whimpered, eyes struggling open against the morning light.

“Useless.” Laurence’s hand wrapped around your bruised wrist and he yanked you up off the bed. “Get up. Tonight needs to be perfect., better to get up and get started than lounge around in bed all day. You won’t fuck this up for me.”

You crumpled to the floor as soon as he let go of you, thin carpet peeking out from under the bed doing little to keep the icy cold of the floor from soaking into your skin. That was good enough for him. As you laid sobbing on the ground, he walked around you while he prepared for the day.

“Pull yourself together,” he demanded as he tied his necktie and walked out of the bedroom. “Tonight will be perfect or you will pay for it.”

Only when you heard the front door close did you pull your limbs under you. Trembling, you clutched the bed as you used it to find your feet under you. Your legs felt crusty, but you refused to look to find out if it was blood or something else that dried between your thighs.

It wouldn’t change anything, anyway.

Stumbling, you walked along the walls as you made your way to the bathroom. Turning on the tap to fill the tub, you grabbed scented salts and dumped a handful into the water. It would sting when you got into the water, but the pain would be a distraction from the pain you were already in.

Pain. You were in so much pain.

You needed to take something. The more you moved, the better your legs worked, but you still used the bathroom fixtures to support much of your weight. In the medicine cabinet was the little glass bottle that promised relief.

You shook out a few dusty tablets and filled a glass with water. Avoiding looking in the mirror, you popped the pills into your mouth and grimaced at the bitter taste. Quickly, you washed them down, not stopping until the glass was empty.

Closing your eyes, you tried and failed to will the memories of the night before out of your mind. As you sank into the burning water and washed away the blood, tears, and seed, you tried to purge your mind of the memories of his hands and lips against your skin. Nothing you did erased the feeling of him inside you, the way his breath sounded in your ear or the way the bed creaked with each move he made.

Your mind was foggy as you walked down the sidewalk. The pain pills were doing their job, though you had found the tincture Laurence used when his back was paining him particularly bad to be far more powerful. You’d only taken a few drops, but it helped the Aspirin along.

Swaying on your feet, you waited for the produce vendor to finish with the customer in front of you. It felt like he was taking forever, but it could have just been the way your brain floated on fog. The fog was better than the pain.

The man next to you bumped you as he turned to step away. Pain shot through the fog in your mind as you reached out for the counter to steady yourself. Fingers dug into the simple wooden surface as you counted out deep breaths in your head.

One. Two. Three.

The man’s offered apologizes floated away from your ears, lost in the medication induced fog, but you smiled and nodded just the same. The fog was why you tried to avoid taking the tincture, that and because of the way Laurance would react if he noticed any missing. Part of you knew you should ask what it was, but there was no way doing so wouldn’t raise suspicions.

“Ma’am?” Someone was talking to you. The produce vender, you realized.

“Huh?” You blinked the fog away as best you could. “Yes, I’m sorry?”

“I asked what I could get for ya?”

“Just a bundle of celery, please.” The smile felt fake as you pulled it across your face, little more than pretty wallpaper on a crumbling wall.

After the produce was the butcher. The shop was cold, but you welcomed the chill. It helped keep the fog at bay, but your fingers trembled and shivers ran up your spine, anyway. Perhaps it was just that the tincture was wearing off, you decided, as the throbbing in your hips slowly blossomed to life. It didn’t last as long as the Asprin pills did, an unfair trade off for the quality of the pain reduction. That was just as well. It was important that you could think clearly in order to make the bread and cook the night’s dinner.

It had to be perfect. Dinner had to be perfect tonight. Laurence would make you pay if it was anything less than perfect.

All things considered, you had gotten off easy the night before. Even after your slight protests about the short notice, the strikes hadn’t been as harsh as they could have been or as you expected them to be.

Laurence had more affectionate intentions with you for the night. That always came with his good moods. Was it wrong that you sometimes found the thought of his affections more revolting than his anger? Would your revulsion at seeing to his carnal needs sentence you to hell for failing your wifely duties? You hoped not, but the way the preachers spoke, who could be sure?

Whistling cut through the fog still clinging to your mind. Glancing behind you, you saw a man impossibly tall with warm tanned skin. Were one of his parents perhaps not white or even mixed themselves or did he simply tan dark? You couldn’t say for sure, but you would lean toward him having something in him to make his skin that tone and his hair so thick and fluffy.

“Miss, you’re next.”

It took a moment for you to realize he was speaking to you. His voice was smooth and chipper, a perfectly fine voice for a perfectly fine man on a perfectly fine day. His perfect transatlantic accent flowed from his lips with practiced ease.

It wasn’t something you yourself had perfected, though you failed to put in as much effort as some. The idea of using a false accent, tone and speaking pattern always seemed silly to you. No one really talked like that, so why pretend?

“Miss?” He said again.

“Oh,” with a shock, you realized you had gotten lost looking at him. “Forgive me. I thought I might know you from somewhere. I guess my head got lost in the clouds trying to place where.”

Stepping up to the counter, you braced yourself on it in a way you hoped looked casual. “Can I get about two pounds of chuck roast and half a pound of salt pork fat?”

The butcher made quick work of wrapping your order, making small talk with ease while you mentally struggled to keep up. Your mind felt like it was floating away and your knees trembled.

Was it the cold or the medication making you weak? Was it your injuries? Were you hurt worse than you thought? You couldn’t be. It wasn’t possible. That simply wasn’t a part of your reality.

You made it almost out the door before your knees gave out, sending you tumbling to the ground in an undignified heap. What caused it was anyone’s guess. Too much stress? A wrong step? Surely no one would guess what you’d been through the night before.

Crumpling to the floor in front of the door, you tried to will the tears down as you focused on the cold, hard floor. The tiles were dirty from countless pairs of shoes and spills, though the shop appeared to be kept clean. You could see how the dirt was ground into the scratches.

It hurt. You hurt. The medications were wearing off,you no longer had any doubt about that. You wanted the floor to swallow you up. You wanted to die. You wanted it to be over. All over.

Long fingers wrapped around your shoulder, startling you from your self pity and shame. You flinched away from the touch, groaning in pain as you tried to get your bearings. Pain radiated through your core. Your hips ached from how Laurence had pulled them, shoving your legs up in ways that caused the joints to ache in pain the night prior.

“Miss?” Who was it calling out to you? The butcher? No, the voice was coming from somewhere closer. “Miss, are you alright?”

“I’m alright,” your voice shook along with the rest of you, making your words less than believable.

“Are you?” When you flinched under his grip, he instead offered his hands for support.

Looking up, you find yourself face to face with piercing brown eyes and sharp features. Instantly, you knew he was the same man you’d been catching glimpses of at a distance, his unique features catching your eye in passing moments and taking root in your memories. You hadn’t even been registering that you were noticing him until he was kneeling right next to you.

“Let me help you up,” the man gathered your bag up in his hand.

Looking from his face with his kind smile to his waiting hand, you had to make a choice. The simple fact was, you didn’t think you could stand on your own.

Glancing around, you didn’t see anyone that would be likely to talk. Laurence likely wouldn’t hear about this. He wasn’t a fan of idle gossip. It was a woman’s sin, he would often say.

But really, anyone could talk, and he could hear.

Your fingers trembled as you reached out for his arm. He was steady under your hands as you used him to brace against, dragging yourself up from the ground on shaking legs as he slowly stood alongside you, pulling you up with the steady pressure of his arm under your hands.

Focused as you were on getting your feet under you, you didn’t see the way his eyes focused on the bruise peeking out from under your sleeves. That wasn’t the only thing he noticed as he helped you stand. You favored the same arm you had been favoring in the tailor shop, the injury not yet healed.

“Would you like me to walk you home?” He offered as he pulled the door open and walked you out of the butcher shop, allowing you to still use his arm for support. You were shaking like a leaf in the wind with every step, though the tremors were subsiding a little with each step.

“I’ll be fine. I’m sure I just need to nibble on a little something. Thank you, Mister?”

He shook his head instead of offering his name. “I can fetch you something, if you’d like?” You shook your head at his offer and pulled an empty smile across your face. “Go slow, miss, if you’re sure you can manage.”

You wanted to thank him again. You wanted to ask his name. You wanted to ask why you hadn’t noticed him around before and yet he seemed to linger just on the outskirts of your life now.

Instead, you walked down the sidewalk, one slow shuffled step after another as you gripped the bags in your hands. Your knees felt weak and your hands trembled with each step you took, but as long as you didn’t stop, it wasn’t so bad. When you got home, you would take more aspirin and maybe, just maybe, another drop or two of the tincture.

The man stood, watching your back as the distance between you grew. For being what Laurence claimed to be his greatest possession, he certainly didn’t seem too mindful of the care and keeping of his wife.

Alastor wasn’t sure why Mimzy was in his house, but she was there and already made herself at home by the time he returned. He hadn’t really been listening to her answer when he asked. She wouldn’t give a straight one, anyway.

His home was modest, at the edge of the city, and that was how he liked it. He toweled his hair dry as Mimzy went on and on about all the reasons he should loan Laurence the money he needed. Most of her reasons were selfish, but he expected nothing less from her.

“Say, Al?” Mimzy asked just as he had finally relaxed into the silence she let draw on.

He hummed in acknowledgment, buttoning his shirt in front of the mirror. The firelight from the gaslights flickered behind him, adding a little extra light to the dim room as the sun sank lower in the sky.

“When you going to get electricity?”

He laughed as he wrapped his bowtie around his neck and tied it. “It’s an unnecessary expense. I don’t need it. And it’d be unreliable out here, anyway.”

“An unnecessary expense?” Mimzy laughed, “Unlike that hunk of metal outside?”

“Don’t pretend you don’t have me drive you around in that hunk of metal.” Alastor countered, running his fingers through his hair as he tried to tame it down into something respectable.

“So what’d he offer as collateral on the loan? I’m surprised ya need a second meeting to seal the deal.”

“His wife,” Alastor locked eyes with his friend through the mirror, watching as her jaw dropped, shock splashed across her face before it pulled up in giddy glee.

“Oh, my.”

“Oh, my indeed.” Alastor turned, snagging his long coat up from the armchair. “Your latest pet’s offering did not impress me. Hopefully, he comes up with something better tonight.”

“And if he doesn’t?”

“You better think of backup suppliers because I’m not doing that again for you this soon.”

“What sort of wife do you think he has? She looked meek.” Mimzy refilled her glass, helping herself to the liquor Alastor kept under the floorboards.

“Seemed so,” Alastor took her glass from her hands and downed the contents. If anyone had seen how at ease they were with each other, rumors would fly and reputations would be in ruins, mostly his.

“You know, I thought he was a real stand up fella,” Mimzy swatted at his shoulder as he handed her the empty glass. “A fella stand up fella like you. But even if he’s not, he’s got a pretty little wife to come home to. You could have that too, you know.”

“Don’t you start this.”

“What! Your dear Ma is passed, someone’s gotta look out for you. May as well be me. Laurence doesn’t let having a meek little thing at home cramp his style.”

“Why do I need a lady?” Alastor asked, buttoning his coat.

“You’re a good man.” Mimzy counted her reasons off on her fingers as she talked. “You could settle down some. You’d have someone to cover for you. You’d have someone to take some heat off you.”

“That’s the same as having someone to cover for me, isn’t it?” Alastor raised an eyebrow at her as he fixed his shoes, ensuring the laces were tied just so.

“It’s not.”

“I’m fairly certain it is.”

“You’re a good man, Al. Give me one good reason you shouldn’t?” She stood up, slipping her feet into her heels, counting on Alastor to drop her off on his way across town.

“Isn’t my not wanting to reason enough?” Alastor straightened his coat as he stood before snagging his hat up from atop the coat tree by the front door.

“It would if people weren’t starting to yap.” Mimzy slipped her arms into the fluffy fur coat she adored.

“People are starting to yap?”

“Ya, if it wasn’t for the occasional girl that speaks up, the whole town would think you’re a queer. You’ve busted your ass to make it where you are. It’d be a shame if something happened to your reputation. People going to be sure you’re either queer- not that I got anything against them, but ya know how people view them- or a scoundrel. I know you ain’t either of those things, but having a lady waiting at home would take the heat off you, even if you ignore her most the time.”

“Will you get in the car?” Alastor hated the fact that Mimzy had a valid point. It was time for her to go home and leave him alone.

“Yeah, yeah.” Slipping into the passenger seat, she waited for him to start the car and throw it into gear before starting again. “I’m just saying, you could bag a meek little thing that lets you do your thing just like Laurence did.”

“If Laurence’s wife is so spectacular, why don’t I just take her?” Alastor took a deep breath, reminding himself to school of his tone or his accent would slip out. Not that Mimzy didn’t already know what he sounded like off the air, but he felt too exposed with it.

“Now you’re being funny,” Mimzy laughed, though it sounded forced.

Alastor met her eyes with a charming smile, intending to relax her. It was just a joke. He would never go that low. Why, if he sank any lower than that, he’d be murdering people in the dark of night!

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galazry · 10 months

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Finally... a glance...

pairing: best friend!scaramouche x gn!reader genre: modern au; friends to lovers; unfortunately, this is not angst; semi-crack? tbh i threw away all my logic while writing this. content: he finally confessed his feelings... at the worst possible way. before you could even answer, scaramouche had already run away. now you're left alone to wonder... how much of an idiot are you? cw: you get to learn how stupid both scaramouche and the reader are, also kazuha is here and is so tired with how his friends are acting. word count: 2K (I had a bit too much fun while writing this haha...) a/n: sequel to "Look at Me!". tbh i was planning to make a sequel that leads to an angsty ending. Don't worry, I'm not bamboozeling you guys this time 🫶 ALSO I'M SORRY THIS TOOK A LONG TIME I WAS SO BUSY 😭😭😭

It's been a week since Scaramouche confessed his feelings for you. Your aloof best friend for 5 years confessed that he had been harboring affection for you for the longest time. To be honest, you were quite baffled once those words poured out of his lips. Never had a single thought of him being infatuated with you crossed your mind. Hell, you even thought that if you were the last person on earth, he wouldn't even catch any feelings for you.

Oh, how you were proven wrong.

It's been too long since you've seen his figure. Seven days too long. None of the messages you've sent had been read, nor did he pick up any of your calls. His classmates knew nothing of his whereabouts, nor did he attend any of his classes. You even tried to go over to his apartment as you were sure he would be in there, but your knocks were met with silence.

The rest of your friends and classmates noticed how the usually lively atmosphere around you had gone gloomy. Currently, you were in the cafeteria, twiddling with your spoon, food untouched. You didn't really have an appetite as a heavy sigh left your lips. A week had pass and you were still trying to process everything that he had said; how Scaramouche had done everything to gain your attention, but all his efforts didn't bear fruit. You thought that all the things he had done were normal since you both had been best friends for a long time. Maybe it was why you didn't suspect him harboring feelings for you–

"Hey, [Y/N]. May I sit here?"

You begrudgingly lifted your head to the source of the familiar sound that had interrupted your thoughts. Kazuha. You nodded and your friend sat across from you.

"You seemed down in the dumps lately. Not only that, Scaramouche is nowhere to be found. Did you both had an argument of the sort?"

Leave it to Kazuha to sense the change in the atmosphere around you. You let out a sigh as you kept poking at your food. Not wanting to tell him the full truth, you only answered him briefly.

"No... No, we didn't."

"Ah, I see.”

You both continue to eat your food in silence – well, specifically, it was Kazuha who was eating his food, while you kept twiddling with your utensils. After a bit, you decided to break the silence. After all, this was Kazuha, one of your closer friends who, more you would sometimes confide in. Not as much as you did with Scaramouche, though.

“Actually… I guess we kind of did…? Scara kind of…” You take a deep breath, before muttering, “confessed to me…”

“Oh? Congrats to you both then. He finally had the courage to confess to you after harboring his feelings for you for so long. I don't see the reasoning for you to be so down in the dumps.”

Kazuha smiled, as if the words you said wasn’t a surprise to him. You, however, had your eyes as wide as saucers with the reaction he had given you. How did the platinum-blonde knew that Scaramouche liked you? The look on your face tells him that he was missing a big chunk of the story. Putting down his spoon, he leaned closer towards you and asked, “[Y/N], you did accept his feelings… right? This is what you have always wanted, no?” You slowly glanced away, not wanting to answer his question. Suddenly, to you, the trees outside looked that much more interesting as it swayed with the wind.

“[Y/N].”

“Look, I was shocked, alright?! The fact that the feeling was mutual was a complete shocker to me! And before I could process everything and answered him, he bolted right off!" You groaned, finally starting to spill the beans towards your friend, who suddenly felt his shoulders getting heavy.

“Oh dear…” Kazuha sighed as everything finally clicked into place. Even without you telling him the full details, he could already guess what had transpired between the two of you. He had always thought you both were a pair match in heaven and the event that had transpire prior really sealed said fact.

“This is why I told you to stop discussing your so-called ‘crushes’ in front of him.”

“Well…” After telling him the full story of what had happened that day, your friend could only let out a long and tired sigh as you fiddle with the hem of your shirt—the way you kept talking about the people, he knows you don’t have crush on in front of Scaramouche, and the way the indigo-haired confessed to you—he could only form a rueful frown on his face. “You know I’m stupid with these kinds of things and I thought if… you know…”

Kazuha knows. He knows how you thought that if you discuss your so-called 'crushes' with Scaramouche, you could discern if he has feelings for you as well. In addition to that, you also thought by making him jealous enough, your best friend would confess to you — which he did, though it didn't really end like how you wanted it.

"[Y/N]... Why couldn't you just be straightforward and confess your feelings for him...?"

"And look like a fool and possibly ruin our 5 years of friendship if the feeling wasn't mutual?!"

Kazuha massages his forehead as he remembers the conversation he had with Scaramouche weeks prior before the incident. He too had asked the indigo-haired why he didn't went up and be straightforward with his feelings. Scaramouche was, after all, infamous for speaking what's on his mind. In spite of that, Kazuha got the same answer like the one you gave him...

"There's no way I'm ruining my friendship with [Y/N] if the feeling wasn't mutual! Only an idiot would do that!"

To concur, you both really were a match in heaven— being total idiots oblivious to each others feelings and poor Kazuha was stuck in the middle. With a sigh, ruby orbs looked at you.

"So... What are you going to do now?"

"I don't know... Scara wouldn't even open the door for me-"

You stopped mid-sentence and stared at Kazuha. Before he could get a word out, you leaned towards him with a glint he knows so well. This can't be good...

"Kazuha... Your apartment is next to Scara's... right?"

A week.

A week long he had taken absence from attensing any of his classes. Scaramouche felt like his world crashed into him the minute he ran away from you. That wasn't how he wanted the confesion for you to go... There should have been flowers, or homemade cookies, anything.

The indigo-haired layed on his unmade head, constantly and silently cursing himself for his cowardly actions. He was about to mope some more when he heard a faint knock. At first, he ignored it, thinking that it was either you or Kazuha. Although, the knocks grew louder and louder, and even more desperate that, with a sigh, he got out of bed and walked towards the door.

Peering through the peephole he saw no one, yet the knocks kept coming. There was even a voice that kept calling out his name where was—

Indigo orbs dilated when they say your figure, on his balcony, pounding on the glass door, calling out his name. Without missing a beat, he immediately pulled you into his apartment. "Are you crazy?! How did you get into my balcony?!"

"From Kazuha's balcon-"

"FROM KAZUHA'S BALCONY?!?!"

He didn't gave you any time to reply as he began to check for any bruises or injury you may have suffered as you did your irresponsible stunt. All the while, he kept running his mouth, saying how you could have gotten hurt, and that he would have a talk with Kazuha for letting you do said stunt. Once he was sure that you did not suffer any injury, his hand immediately pinched your cheek. "[Y/N] [L/N]... What gave you the right idea to jump from his balcony to mine, hm?" Scaramouche asked with a smile, effectively sending chills down your spine. With a gulp, you answered him with as much confidence as you could muster.

"You kept avoiding me. My text, my calls, my knocks. Every time I try so hard to reach out to you, you constantly block out my efforts. So I had to do what I had to do. Even if the risk was great, as long as I get to talk to you that's all that matters." It was his turn to advert your gaze. Dropping his hands from your cheek, he then rubbed the back of his neck. Was it from shame? Or was the fear of you rejecting him now back to gnaw at his heart? The indigo-haired didn't know.

"Look, I know what you're going to say; That you have no feelings for me, I get it. No need for this whole stunt just to reject me," He let out a sigh, still holding onto the illusion that you never once hold any feelings for him. It was now your turn to prove him wrong, and to apologize for the misunderstanding that almost rift your friendship and potential relationship apart.

His eyes went as wide as saucers when your lips brushed against his. Soft. That was the only think he could think off once you pull away, the smile he had always adored and cherish now on your face. "I have feelings for you too, Scara." Suddenly, the dullness of the world around him became vibrant and colourful. The fluttering of the butterflies in his stomach could definitely cause a storm. This must be a dream, there's no way, in his mind, that this was all real. Or maybe it was some sort of cruel joke the heavens is playing on him.

Seeing the confusion reflected in his eyes, you explained to your best friend — how you actually had fallen head over heels for him; how you faked all your crushes to instigate a reaction from him; how you wonder if his aloofness was a sign that your feelings weren't reciprocated, but never did you once gave up. You wrapped everything up with an apology, that you could have done things better, and that you were ready to face a rejection from him. "After all," your hand cups his cheek, caressing it gently with your thumb, "this whole thing started because I wanted to make sure that you did have feelings for me. So, if your feelings for me have faded away, I would understa-"

"Idiot." He intercepts you mid-sentence, pulling you in for a hug. "You're stupid... Can't believe that you are a total idiot... Maybe this is the reason why you could never beat my scores... Always taking the most difficult and strangest route of them all." You were about to complain and ask about the correlation about academic scores and your current situation. However, the rare smile on his face as he looked at you as if you're his entire world completely shuts you up.

"But... I guess you're my idiot now, huh?"

You finally finished telling the story of how both you and Scaramouche started dating. The children, that you both were babysitting, had happy smiles on their face as your lover groans in embarrassment at the story. To the man, it was a cringey story, yet he never did once try to stop you from telling the kids about how your relationship with him started. He loved seeing the smile on your face, and if he had to endure hearing the same story over and over again, so be it.

Scaramouche wouldn't admit that he too, at that time, had been an idiot, for causing such a scene. Well, in the end, you both still got together and that's all that matters. Not to mention, you both have a fun story to tell to everyone as an added bonus.

Once the children's parents picked them all up, you both then snuggled on the couch. A soft humming filled the room as you gave Scaramouche a quick peck. "Hey," you started off and he immediately knows where this conversation is going. "One day, love. Right now, I want to savour these quiet and tranquil moments with you before this home of ours becomes lively and we have little spawns running around." He let out a small chuckle, holding your hand as his thumb traced the ring on your finger.

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infiniteko · 11 months

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Hello Ko! I'm so glad you joined Tumblr, I think out of everyone I know and follow, you are the most trustworthy person to get information from. You truly know what you're talking about and you're very very helpful to us with questions. ❤️ I'm gonna try to make this as short as possible because I don't want to make you read a long, rant-ish question. Basically, I really really need some guidance/advice. Like I need some serioussss help..

For about 6 years, I've been "trying" to manifest, reality shift etc. I was focused on desires and getting. I was focused on doing methods to get things and "trying" things. would look all the time for information and "how to's" because I just wanted to shift realities so badly so I could experience all of the crazy things I would imagine. Nothing ever worked for me, not once in those 6 years. I eventually started to panic and think I was wasting years of my life on stuff that wasn't real (yet I'd still hope and try anyway) however I found non-dualism. Like I said, I was VERY focused on desires and getting, so as much as I told myself that I understand non-dualism, deep down I was still attached to ego and understood nothing. I viewed nondualism as a method. I still wanted desires deep down, even if I tried to say "No I want to be free!". I've now come to accept that if I truly want to be free, I need to genuinely STOP seeking desires and things of the ego. I need to accept that if I'm gonna be stuck on desiring, then ND isn't for me. So with that said, I told myself I'd follow non dualism properly and I wouldn't use it as a manifestation or shifting method.

This is the part where I ask for advice. When you're someone who has been stuck up on wanting to shift realities and get things so badly, for SO long, it's hard to let it all go suddenly. I don't know how to drop these thoughts that I get. I feel delusional and depressed because I hate this "life". I remind myself that it isn't real but then I feel insane and I tell myself I need to accept reality and stop hoping for miracles. I no longer wish to fulfill desires or use methods, I want to be free from feeling like this, I want to genuinely not live as if I'm ego anymore but it feels like my thoughts never stop. In the back of my mind, I always think "but I just wanna shift" "I'm delusional" "I am this body/mind"

Ko, I need any kind of guidance. Is there some materials I should read? I'll honestly read whatever books necessary. I don't know what to do 😅 I want to have the same understanding you do. I go to sleep every night thinking "maybe I can wake up in a new reality" and it completely defeats the purpose of me having no duality. I'm always hoping and trying, even when I don't want to "hope" or "try". I get so confused so easily and I think about going back to manifestation, but it never worked and I got depressed because of it. I want to free myself from these ego emotions, free from thinking I need this or that, free from having duality. I want to TRULY understand nondualism and live that way. Forgive me if this is long! I didn't intend to trauma dump or vent in your ask box, like I said before you're just one of the people I trust most. You're very knowledgeable on nondualism and I appreciate your posts very very much 🤍

First step, understand that Non dualism is ONLY(!!!!!!!!!!) a POINTER to what 'you' are. Being fixiated on 'trying to understand ND' is a trap you shouldn't fall into. I used it as a pointer(!) i do not "practise" any concepts.

I cannot stress enough how it is ONLY A POINTER, NOT THE "SOLUTION" NOR "ABSOLUTE TRUTH". "THAT" which you fundamentally are, IS Absolute.

Who has been "trying" all this time? -> The 'person' you THINK you are.

Who "wants" to understand? -> The 'person' you THINK you are

Use it as a pointer and then drop it.

I'm so serious, NEVER see it as the solution, it is a trap to do so. It will help as a start but go BEYOND that. It is nothing but another concept TO HELP.

A lot of you speak about the "ego" like it is some separate entity causing confusion and suffering but it is not. It is ONLY(!!!!!) who you THINK(!!!!) you are. If you stopped thinking about it, could you tell me who you seemingly are?

There are no books needed to """understand""" the basics of this concept, even if you read it, to drop it and be beyond such illusory concepts, is something that is done with or without books.

What you are can NEVER be defined. "THAT" has no name, no label, no characteristics. Nothingness. Yet it seems(!!!!!!) to contain "everything".. but "everything" = "nothingness".

By repeatedly returning to "Nothingness", it becomes clear that you never actually left that "Nothingness" and that it is everywhere.

Drop every label and concept. Everything you SEEM to know. What are you left with?

-> " "

If 'you' want to, you can listen to "YourHigherSelf" on YouTube or the shorter videos of Swami Sarvapriyananda on YouTube.

But again, seeking continously for the Absolute, is a funny game and an even funnier trap. Have enough discipline to not do that and simply BE.

#advaita vedanta #awareness #nondualism #atman #brahman #nonduality #desired reality #reality shifting #consciousness

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iiotic · 7 months

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｡‧High School Sweethearts༻༉

Human! Alastor x Fem! Reader

༉‧.tw - Toxic relationship, cheating (not alastor nor reader), swearing, manipulation, mentions of death, murder and kidnapping, slight nsfw?? Situationship Please inform me if you'll find more.

༉‧.words - 3.4k

༉‧.a/n - High school sweethearts and your good friend combined!! Bcs I'm not continuing this series. I really hate how I wrote "Your good friend" which was the part 2 and I simply don't have the motivation nor ideas to continue it.

"Can we just be honest?"

"These are the requirements."

"If you think you can be my one and only true love."

You've been in many relationships before. Not even a single one worked, you were devastated, so you decided to give yourself a break from everything. You thought that you needed to focus on yourself more and many agreed with your decision.

However the fact that guys were practically drooling over you at school, wasn't helping. They truly just went for looks, they'd leave you after becoming more popular and having his way with you.

You were so sick of that. Can't you just have a healthy relationship? Whatever, you didn't care anymore.

"You must promise to love me."

"And damn it, if you fuck me over."

"I will rip your fuckin' face apart."

Numerous rumours were spreading, fast. You had absolutely no idea why. You didn't do anything stupid nor risky this time.

It started with harmless jokes about you being in love with the new guy, Richard. He quickly became popular as girls thought that he was very handsome and they weren't wrong. He was quite charming.

The rumour quickly stopped when Richard started courting one of the girls in your class, Dorothy. Girls were fuming with anger at the sight of him and her acting all "lovey dovey" as people called it. You were relieved, Dorothy was such a sweet girl.

However then their relationship crashed. One rumour said that Dorothy dumped Richard for being "Selfish" and for having "a big ego" then another rumour said that Richard dumped Dorothy for having a poor family. Their relationship went on and off again. You didn't really care as long as it didn't applied to you.

"Step one."

"You must accept that i'm a little of my mind."

Then fate decided to punch you right in the face or rather Richard with his boldness. You were just walking to your next class with your small group of friends and then he approached you. As the conversation quickly tuned down he started his little speech.

-" Doll, I have decided to give you this honour, of going to the prom with me." - Richard declared taking one of your hands, looking definitely not at your eyes. -" So, you're welcome."

You looked at him with disgust, what makes him think that you'd ever want to go with him? What makes him think that you will ever go to the prom? You weren't going to. Snapping back to the reality, you quickly snatched your hand away from his grip.

-" The audacity to even ask me that."- You said, looking at your friends. Some of them were already giggling and some of them stared at you with confusion. -" The answer is no."

He chuckled nervously as you continued. -"I thought that was obvious? Why would i ever accept your "invitation"? Besides Dorothy would be truly heartbroken to hear that you don't want to go to the prom with her. I heard her talking about a new dress she just bought and I bet she will look stunning. So why won't you ask her out? Shoo.. Before I will tell the whole school about this conversation.

He was just standing there, truly shocked, mouth open, no words left. Richard snapped back to reality after hearing your friends laugh at him and his stupidity or maybe his state?? You didn't care you just wanted to go to class without any disturbance.

"Step two."

"This is a waste if you can't walk me down the finish line."

As days passed by, more and more people asked you out. You always politely declined. You didn't even know most of the people who asked you out, never saw them in your entire life.

Besides its not like you were going to prom anyways and even if you wanted to, you'd like to go with someone who is important to you. Someone who'd care about you, someone who wouldn't use you for looks or popularity.

"Step three."

"Give me passion, don't make fun of my fashion."

However at the time, you didn't realized that there was a boy, your age, watching and admiring you from afar. He like many other boys thought that you were quite attractive, but he knew that he was out of your league.

You didn't even know he existed besides he heard that your "requirements" were almost impossible to fulfil. Rumours said that your standards are very high, and that's because you aren't in a relationship.

Alastor didn't know much about you. All he knew that you live close to eachothers and that you have a good sense in fashion. Well not many knew that because the school required school uniforms.

He always wanted to start talking to you, but never actually did. What would you say? You'd probably just laugh at him like at that kid on the hallway. So Alastor decided to try something different..

"Step four."

"Give me more, give me more, more.."

Some days ago you found an anonymous letter in your locker with a single rose attached to it. You were not really surprised by the rose itself however it made you smile and you appreciated the small gift. You were shocked upon seeing a letter so well-written, it made you blush slightly as you read word by word what someone wrote about you.

Saying how someone adores everything you do and they even complimented your handwriting which, you thought, wasn't very attractive.

After seven days you sound a little key chain, a letter and once again a rose attached to it. The letter was still as good as the first one, it made you smile. From now on every Thursday you found a letter with an rose attached and sometimes a little gift with it. You've got a secret admirer.

"If you can't handle a heart like mine."

"Don't waste your time with me."

"If you're not down to bleed, no, oh."

Your secret admirer never failed to make you smile, after a month you grew more and more desperate to know his identity. You'd watch your locker all the time to see if someone is putting something in, eyeing every single kid that walked by.

On another Thursday you pulled out a letter and a rose attached to it, as always. You really wanted to make a whole bouquet with it, you always carefully put them in a vase when you came back.

On that day a guy saw you pulling it out, thinking that it would be a perfect idea to make you think that he wrote all the letters and carefully trimmed all the tosses you received from an anonymous person.

Little naive you believed him and soon you both started dating. You really thought that he would be a little more romantic and charming in person but who could complain? You were happy that someone actually loved you and cared about you just as much as you cared for them.

Soon the day of the prom came and you agreed to go with your partner. You were getting ready for hours to make sure you'd look good for him! You really hoped he'd like it.

However you grew a little suspicious why the love letters didn't stop.

He picked you up at 7 just like he said he will. It was quite the quiet walk, nobody dared to speak for some reason, it was almost uncomfortable. When you arrived he suddenly vanished. You spend all the time getting ready just for him to walk away like that? really ungentlemanly behaviour.

You really didn't have much time to think about it, as your friends dragged you to the dance floor, you were dancing your heart out. However then the slow dance started, you quickly had to scramble off the dance floor as you didn't really want to interrupt other couples. Besides you really wanted to find your boyfriend to dance with him.

And then, once again, you felt like you just got slapped across the face, your own boyfriend dancing with someone else. It really would be fine if they weren't so close to eachother, eyes closed and lips almost touching. You just wanted to dissaper.

Heartbroken you ran out of the building, to get some fresh air. Tears streaming down your face as you thought about all the memories you shared with him. Everything was a lie. You sat on the edge of a fontann, your makeup completely ruined and your hair a mess.

After a minute or two, you heard footsteps approaching. You didnt bother looking up at this someone, since you weren't in an amazing state right now. The footsteps stopped and the wind alarmed you that someone sat beside you.

"How could he do this to me?" You wondered, kicking your heels off.

-"Are you alright?" You heard a masculine voice ask, empathy radiating from his tone.

-"Do I look alright to you?" You murmured, not wanting to look up at him nor wanting to talk about anything that happened.

-"My apologies, dumb question." After few minutes of sitting there in silence you finally decided to look at the anonymous someone who sat beside you.

Your eyes were met with a boy, your age. Brown-ish hair, caramel skin and mesmerising chocolatey eyes that were looking directly at you. He was wearing a black suit with red accents. his lips were formed in a small smile.

-" This might seem rude, but i saw everything what happened, and I think that guy was just a waste of your time. A pretty lady like you deserves so much better." He stated, trying to make you feel better. As much as you wouldn't like to agree with some random dude you never saw before, you have to admit he was right.

This was just a waste of time.

"If you can't handle."

"The loving, the smothering."

"Til you can't handle it no more, no more."

"Go home."

You soon learned that the boys name was Alastor and you had to admit that he was such a gentleman. He was always so polite, always opening doors for you, pulling the chairs, helping you with anything you'd ask. He was quite the charmer.

You two quickly developed a good friendship and Alastor even introduced you to his mom! She was such a sweet woman, she raised her son perfectly.

When you first met her you were nervous, very nervous for some reasons, but you relaxed seeing that she accepted you and even made you her famous jambalaya. It was delicious.

"Can we just be honest?"

"These are the requirements."

You were bored, extremely bored, so you decided to write out all of your "requirements". You always heard that you had high standards, but you highly doubt thats true. You just wanted to be loved and accepted the way you are.

You sat on your bed, shuffling through your drawers to find an empty notebook. After some minutes of searching you found it! noting that you have to clean your room soon.

You grabbed a black pen and began writing..

"You must promise to love me."

"And damn it, if you fuck me."

"Over, I will rip your fuckin' face apart."

Your notebook soon turned into a diary. Besides the requirements, you began writing your secrets, likes and dislikes, how's your day been as well as your little crush that you slowly started developing on your friend, Alastor.

You weren't sure that your feelings were reciprocated. Hell, you even began wondering if he thinks that you're his friend. However you had an other mission, finally finding out who your secret admirer is.

"High school sweethearts, line up."

"They're trying to waste my time."

"High school sweethearts, shut up."

"If you're not my type."

It was extremely hard to find out who it is, 'couse you weren't going to school anymore. The letters with a rose attached to it started appearing at your doorstep. "So this certain someone knows where i live.."

You decided to tell Alastor about you secret admirer, thinking that maybe he'd help you find them. He agreed, holding in a laugh at your stubbornness.

You were gathering clues all day but then it was time for Alastor to go back, take care of his loving mother. Before sleep you decided to grab the pen and write something in your diary..

"Step five."

"You can't be scared to show me off and hold my hand."

"Step six."

"If you can't put in work, then I don't know what you think this fucking is."

"Step seven."

"This one goes to eleven."

"If you cheat you will die, die."

As for the guy you went to prom with? You didn't know where he went. He just suddenly dissapered, vanished. Pheraps he moved houses? Maybe he had an accident?

Whatever happened to him, you were glad that he was nowhere to be found. You just couldn't bare to look at his disgusting face, again.

However you discovered something more surprising. You caught Alastor, sneaking in on your parents property and leaving the letter with a rose that knew oh so well.. By now you have a whole bouquet, just like you wanted.

You just wished that he wasn't joking about all the compliments he gave you. That he was just lying, making fun of you. You really wanted for him to be genuine about them, about all the things he wrote.

You decided to keep it a secret, waiting for the proper time to say that you discovered his secret or pheraps when he'll tell you it himself? By now your crush on Alastor has grown so much that you couldn't even look him in the eyes. Always blushing slightly when he's around. You've fallen for his charm.

You had all these fantasies and cravings when it came to him. If you didn't do anything about it you would just burst, so you decided to vent to your best friend.. You diary.

"Could you hold me through the night?"

"Put your lips all over my mine."

"Salty face when I start cryin'."

"Could you be my first time?"

"Eat me up like apple pie."

"Make me not wanna die."

"Love me rough and let me fly."

"Get me up, yeah, get me high."

"Tie me down, don't leave my side."

"Don't be a waste of my time."

Alastor really didn't mean to read it! You just left it open on your desk and curiosity got ahead of him. He really didn't mean to read you fantasies nor your secrets. What kind of gentleman was he?

Then the guilt hit him in the face, he really shouldn't be reading your private notebook. He should respect it, he should respect your privacy.

Alastor closed your diary, in a hurry, when he heard your footsteps getting closer. Quickly sitting on your bed, pretending to be interested with your room decor.

He saw the way you hide the notebook as soon as you saw it laying on your desk. After he asked you what it was you brushed it off quickly. He decided to keep it a secret, waiting for the right moment to confront you. However he was glad that his feelings were reciprocated..

Soon you and your good friend, Alastor graduated highschool. You planned on going to college, however you were struggling with degree course and you didn't have any money.

Alastor, however had full scholarship. He worked hard through entire highschool to go to his dream university. You were so proud of him when you found out about determination.

You got a job at a local coffee shop, as a waitress. It took you a long time but you finally got your first job! Soon enough you moved out from your parents house and rented your own, small apartment.

At first it looked terrible; windows broken, wallpapers hanging off the wall, some of the panels of the floor were missing basically a whole disaster.

But somehow you managed to make it look quite cozy! Of course it took a long time and some financial help from your friend, Alastor. Obviously you told him that you didn't need any help, that you can manage on your own even though it was a lie, however he didn't take "no" as an answer.

You didn't want to admit it but you were extremely grateful for his help. Without him you wouldn't be where you stand right now. He was always so caring, kind and comforting you when you needed it. Such a gentleman..

-"Here's your order Mrs.Lraise. "- You said handling her the coffee and cake she ordered, from the plate with caution.

-"Ah thank you darlin'!" She said not being able to read your name out of the ID. "You're such a sweetheart. "

-"I'm just doing my job." You said before walking away to continue your job. Putting the plate away you heard a familiar voice calling you. You turned around and your eyes were met with the familiar mesmerising chocolatey eyes.

-"Dear, I'm ready to take my order" Alastor stated now putting the menu back on the table. You walked up to him, taking your notepad with the pen from your pocket.

-"Proceed"- In that moment his angelic voice was taking his order. Black coffee with no sugar nor milk, as always. Of course you remembered him order, he was a regular and was your best of the bestest friends.

-"You know i didn't saw you come in." It was a lie, even in this busy cafe your working at you could feel his presence. Your eyes met his as you write his usual on your notepad. -" I'd recommend our new cheese cake, it tastes amazing."

-"Well I can't blame you, I can tell you're quite busy at the moment." He stopped to fix his glasses. -"And thanks but you know I'm not a big fan of sweets."

-"And you know that's our policy to reccoment new things." You chuckled quietly, taking your leave as you heard other, this time unfamiliar voices calling out to you. -"Your coofee soon will be with you, sir."

At the end of your shift you waited patiently for Alastor to come and pick you up. He suggested that, knowing that you end your shift after the sun dissapered. It was quite cute of him. Caring about you like that..

You didn't really want to admit it but your feelings for your childhood best friend never faltered. You knew that woman was basically hanging and fuming all over him and you couldn't bare it. He was a popular radio host, you knew that but oh the jealousy was rising more and more.

Your deep thoughts were interrupted by familiar footsteps and soft humming coming in your directions. You looked up to be met with his soft grin.

-"What's a such a buetiful lady doing alone, at this hour?" Alastor joked around, offering you his hand to hold onto which you gladly accepted. You thought for a moment as you started walking.

-"I don't know, waiting for someone to kidnapp me? Or pheraps waiting for my prince in the shining armour." You decided to play along, chuckling softly. "Is that so?" You heard him mutter. The next thing you knew is that the rest of the walk was surrounded by comfortable silence.

After some minutes of walking, you finally arrived next to your house.

-"You know you didn't really need to walk me home, Alastor." You smiled at him. -"I could manage on my own." You both stopped in front of your front door.

-"Oh please, dear.."- He chuckled. -"I wouldn't want someone ruining this pretty face of yours." He took your hand in his, kissing your knuckled lightly. You blushed slightly at the gesture, not sure if it was noticeable in the moonlight. You both said your goodbyes after that, him leaving you speechless with his charming words and gestures.

You opened your frontdoor, seeing your adorable sleeping cat, Sophia. You were extra careful not to wake her up since she was sleeping on the front mat. Deciding to leave her be, you waddled into your kitchen, wanting something to eat.

Your mind wandering to the events that just happened. You thought carefully about every word Alastor said and then you realized. Almost fainting, your face turned red. "Oh my... Has he called me pretty and buetiful in the same day?"

#alastor x reader #hazbin hotel x reader #alastor #hazbin hotel #human alastor #human alastor x reader #human! alastor x reader #hazbin hotel alastor #the radio demon #alastor the radio demon #the radio demon x reader #hazbin hotel x you #hazbin hotel x y/n

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em-writes-stuff-sometimes · 2 months

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I am honestly late-night-thoughting this, but like:

Not sure why peeps are so freaked out by the Alyssa/Daemon hallucination sequence on The Incest Show TM (cousin-fucking is fine, uncle-niece fucking is fine, sibling-fucking is fine but apparently here is where we draw the line, hm). If you’re horrified by it then I think you need to recap which show you’re watching, tbh.

This is going to get me killed on the mean streets of Tumblr.com, but I see people rushing to say “Daemon doesn’t really want to fuck his mum! Symbolism!” And like, I agree…. But I also think Daemon doesn’t not want to fuck his mum. If that makes sense. Like, if he had the option, honestly I see him going there. He wants unconditional acceptance and approval and he continually seeks this out in relationships that aren’t built for that (with his brother-fatheresque-king-homoerotic-unfulfilled-gendersubversive-desire-to-be-useful-to-his-king-and-if-only-he-were-a-girl-he-would-have-been-his-brother’s-wife, with his niece-wife-queen-object-of-his-ire-and-resentment-maybe-even-hate-but-also-his-divine-RIGHT-as-a-Targ-man-and-his-twin-flame) or are so blurred and blended and warped by power that there is simply no room for the sort of affection and attention he craves. What is a mother to a man who has grown up without one? She is the symbol of that unconditional love and acceptance, and maybe if she had lived then he wouldn’t be the way he is, maybe he would finally feel like he is enough, and so if mummy dearest was prepared to offer him all the affection—and consider that in the absence of a mother he has likely formed associations with women that prioritise sex and sexuality—then would he hypothetically pass it up? I dunno. It seems kinda plausible to me.

Anyway, none of this is a hill I want to die on nor is it intended to be combative. I’m not being meenie behind my screen, just thought-dumping with a ‘hehe, brain cells did a spark’ and going to sleep, lol.

Daemon 5eva, goodnite ❤️

#daemon targaryen #hotd spoilers #hotd s2 ep5

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azullumi · 6 months

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“dangerously yours” ; alhaitham

summary — it was a simple mission, kill the scribe. it should be easy but what happens when you fall in love with your target?

pairing — alhaitham w/gender-neutral reader

tags — definitely not fluff, some angst here and there, reader is a criminal, inspired by the dangerously yours podcast (please listen to it), not proof-read as always, this is more like an idea dump and word vomit ; headcanons/scenario

words — 1200+

note — woke up and had this idea, goodnight (also wrote this months ago and just noticed this in my drafts)

you had one mission, an easy one at that.

working as a mercenary and spy under a criminal organization, you were tasked to do various kinds of things—from infiltrating certain groups in order to obtain information, from guarding someone and protecting their life to taking one at that. emotions were never relevant in this line of work, empathy and mercy never exists in these crimson-painted walls of your life. nor did the notion of affection and feelings were accepted.

until a file containing details about a gray-haired man with eyes that seem to reflect both the ocean and the forest along with the contents of your task were placed into your hands: gain his trust, take the necessary information, and with the words encased in red and capitalized as if it was an important note, as if it was something that shouldn’t be ignored, the words, kill him were written.

it was simple. it’s not like this was your first time receiving this kind of mission; you had plenty of these and you’ve always done and finished them without any sort of trouble coming in your way. it should have been simple.

however, nobody warned you of what he would become—to you. the soon-to-be bane of your existence: alhaitham.

his whole being itself was a hindrance, a disruption to the way that you have survived life—kill or be killed. so how did something that you have been so familiar and used to become as scary as if it was the unknown? how did something that your whole life revolved around become so foreign and strange? how could you ever let go of someone who basked you in the afterglow of warmth and serenity?

he had you experiencing such things that you never dared to imagine.

“how can you be so sure when you don’t even know me completely.” you say, sitting right in front of the light-haired man, alhaitham,—your target—with a smile plastered on your face, a fake one at that. everything that will unfold here and throughout was simply just a form of deception to accomplish your mission.

“oh, i know you.” there was an underlying meaning underneath the tone of his words, the corner of his lips lifted into a small smirk, and you couldn’t help the numbing and cold chill that runs through your skin.

it was in a way that those stupid turquoise eyes of his feels like it’s looking right through you, as if he could read and see every thought of yours—and that’s what scares you, it’s not the fear that he’ll know of your soul and what you truly came for but the fear that he’ll know of the alacritous thumping of your heart and how your mind spirals into a turmoil and how you have to remind yourself every single time you hear his voice or gaze at him that this is the man you are supposed to kill.

not even once have you ever bothered to remember the names of the previous men that you were entrusted to get to rid of, only knowing their faces and quickly forgetting about it after you have done your job. but to alhaitham, to him, you know every single thing about him—how he prefers his coffee made, the colors that he likes (he insists on not having a favorite), how he struggles with falling asleep often, his love and preferences for books and reading, how he styles his hair (he only brushes through it and let the wind do its job), how he expresses himself, and how he lives his life.

in this play that you have orchestrated, you have unknowingly become of a victim of your own deception.

oh, foolish you, yearning for something, someone, that you will never have. when did it even begin? how did you even start to crave for a life that was completely out of your hands? was it when he smiled when he looked at you with those eyes one time? was it when you heard the sound of his laughter and wished to hear more of it? was it at the moment he kissed you and all you could remember throughout the night was the feeling of his lips grazing against your own and ghosting against your skin? is it because he always treats you with gentleness and looks at you with adoration like your existence was made up of stars and the sun?

for the first time in your whole life, you feel like a normal person for once—one who only experienced being hurt by heartbreaks, who cried over simple things, who ran through the fields in freedom and with nothing chaining you in a single place. for once, you feel like living instead of surviving.

the thought of running away, leaving behind the one thing you’ve only known and clung to, and simply being with him remains at the back of your head, the idea of waking up and spending your morning with him underneath the warm light of the sun, that you’ll get to feel the soft beating of his heart against your ear as he held you, that you get to experience the tenderness of his touch and kisses, that you’ll get to have him so close and so bare to you fills you with such warmth and comfort (feelings that were completely shoved under the pile of increasing corpses of the lives that you betrayed and took). but you weren’t a good person and you never will be, so how could you covet for something that is entirely undeserving for your existence.

“i can’t do this, i have to kill you.” your words came out as a desperate whisper, almost like a plea. you don’t even notice the tears that started to well up in the corner of your eyes until alhaitham wiped one that threatened to spill over your cheeks, his gesture gentle and forgiving. no one had ever come this close, no one had ever treated you so softly.

don’t come so close.

“then do it.” was he taunting you? you could never tell. all you know is you can’t pull the trigger on him.

“i can’t.” when did killing someone become so hard after you have taken dozens of lives with your blood-stained hands? your life’s purpose had trails of crimson, remnants of betrayal all over it yet you couldn’t even bear the thought of watching his eyes lose its light.

“why can’t you?” his voice was as soft and kind as his touch—he always speaks to you in such a way, never raising his tone at you, even at this moment.

the words remain stuck on your throat, nothing willingly coming out of your moment and the moment between you two comes into a hush. you can’t even say it; a confession that feels like a sin once it’s uttered out loud.

“say it. just say it, my love, please.” he chokes on his last word and something inside you breaks seeing this state of him. oh, how utterly foolish both of you are for falling.

“don’t do this to me.” your plea turns into a prayer, praying and wishing yet you don’t even know what it is that you are begging for.

#genshin impact #genshin x reader #genshin x you #genshin imagines #alhaitham headcanons #alhaitham imagines #alhaitham x you #alhaitham #alhaitham genshin #genshin alhaitham #alhaitham x reader #al haitam x reader #genshin impact fanfics #genshin impact x reader #genshin #genshin headcanons #genshin fanfic #genshin impact x you #azul.writes

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mindovermuses · 1 month

Text

I find myself at odds with certain aspects of last night's episode of Critical Role (C3:E105). It's probably just my autistic brain getting stuck on things we've been told/have seen in the past standing in pretty much direct opposition to how they're being viewed/handled now, but I think I need to just put it out on the page to figure out exactly what it is that bothers me. Right now it's just vague, half-thoughts eating at the back of my mind.

I'll let my mind wander and ramble after the cut, but the essence of it is that I have a hard time believing that the leaders of the Raven Queen's temple would be so openly defend Laudna the way that they did.

Long, rambling train of thought brain dump ahead...

I have no problem with the character, it's been awesome seeing Marisha delve into this macabre identity. And it's obviously just a game and made sense in the moment to have someone with authority on death speak in defense of her in the meeting, but I question that temple specifically.

Each deity is given only three tenets- three sacred commandments to put upon their followers above all else that are supposed to be considered mandatory as part of their faith.

The Matron of Ravens Commandments are:

1) Death is the natural end of life. Grieve the fallen, but do not pity them. Exult in the time that they were granted. 2) The path of Fate is sacrosanct. Those who pridefully cast off destiny must be punished. 3) Undeath is an atrocity. Death is too good a punishment for those who pervert the rightful transition of the soul. - from the Tal'Dorei Campaign Setting Reborn

The entire reason why Laudna is still "alive" is because of Delilah's necromancy. If that magic were to be cut off, she would die as it isn't the power of her soul and life force keeping her there.

Delilah's dark magic was granted as a boon in exchange for a pact with Vecna- one of the Matron's sworn enemies. For the power to return her love to her. Delilah is a large part of why Vecna was able to uncover the Matron's rituals to ascend to godhood in order to eternally defy death. He, and Delilah along with him, are an affront to the natural balance of life and death that the world hinges on.

Delilah's spirit still lives upon Exandria and hasn't found it's way to the Matron's halls... because of Laudna choosing to trap her in what we know isn't guaranteed to hold her forever. Any follower could capture Laudna and carve it out to restore her at any time, releasing the threat of everything the Matron despises upon the world. And, at that point, Delilah would no longer need Laudna.

She allowed Vax to return as a revenant only long enough to see that Orcus and Vecna were destroyed and only because he was her champion, working directly on her behalf before willingly leaving everything he loved behind to take up his new role.

Laudna is neither her champion nor even a casual follower, let alone a devoted one, AND she holds within her the spirit of a necromancer who has already proven she is willing to tear the fabric of reality apart to get what she desires.

I could see the Matron turning a blind eye in this moment, given the dire circumstances, but begrudgingly so. When all is said and done, I could see the Matron summoning Laudna into the blood pool and presenting her with a choice:

-Let Delilah's spirit go and cross over into death eternally, willingly, and hope that her friends can succeed at a high DC True Resurrection spell, returning her to the untrained sorceress she was before Delilah took her fate into her own hands...

-or-

-Accept that the Matron's champion will have no choice but to force the soul anchor holding Delilah from her, leaving her to be met with Delilah's fate of death with no hope of resurrection.

Because Delilah's spirit cannot be allowed to return to Exandria and neither Laudna nor Delilah will be leaving that space between worlds where they are currently. She must choose, and choose now...

...and that's when Matt ends the episode, leaving a heart-breaking cliffhanger that no one else in the party is even aware is happening. Laudna's spirit on a plane unreachable by any outside magics.

Just like the Matron could not promise longer lives for the Everlight's children moments after finally being accepted by her as family and, as she could not make exceptions for the love Vax and Keyleth shared when it was his time, she cannot make an exception for Laudna- not with this.

No matter how unfair it was that her life was taken so young for such evil purposes, she's hardly the first and certainly won't be the last to suffer such a fate. No matter that she (hopefully) saved the world- because didn't Vax do the same with no special treatment given to him when the job was done?

The one minuscule loophole that she is able to offer is the hope that someone might think to try and then succeed at a difficult True Resurrection spell, having to pull her soul through the muck and sludge of Delilah's evil- giving her another chance to start over and live the life thread that was stolen from her. Her very own Kingsley type resurrection, minus any memories. Laudna, as everyone knows her, will die with Delilah, but Matilda will get a second chance.

So, what will it be.

Willingly separate Matilda's golden thread from where Laudna and Delilah's threads begin-blackened by a necromantic disease spreading to, and infecting, nearby threads. Is she willing to let go of everything she's gained and experienced after Delilah brought her back as it is impossible to separate the threads binding them? or...

Willingly decide that she's ready to pass eternally through the veil as well, her memories as Laudna in tact if any of her friends or loved ones might find themselves in the same eternal resting place when their times come?

But that's just me. I'll obviously enjoy whatever Matt and the cast give us, this is their story and Matt's world. I just needed to get this all out of my head to process it.

#critical role #critical role spoilers #laudna #matron of ravens #I don't want the Matron to be the reason Laura loses ANOTHER character she's connected to in a campaign #It just feels more in line with what the Matron represents without needing to try to somehow retcon how her tenets affected past situations #Not seeking any drama or shipping discourse - Just a fan of the Matron and her true neutral place in the natural order #mindovermuses ramblings

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imahinatjon · 5 months

Text

Maintenance

Chuuya x Reader

Sensitive topics heavily implied!!!

As a member of the port Mafia, you were no stranger to loosing friends, comrades, though it was usually a result of the job.

In your personal life though... yeah, it was pretty much the same situation, with a few tweaked details.

You've always had a hard time making friends, and keeping them. You always assume its your fault.

It could be a number of other things. Poor choice in friends, you not doing enough to keep the friendship going, them not doing enough to keep the friendship going, drifting apart, personalities that just don't mesh, among other things of the sort.

Even when you find all these reasons, you still arrive to the same conclusion. It's all your fault.

But, you found a solution, a way to stop your friends from leaving you.

Over the years, you found that acts of service help. Doing things for these people, agreeing with these people, letting them dump their emotional baggage on you, buying things for them (even when you weren't in a good enough financial situation for it)

Ultimately, you found, the only way you could keep your friends around was to do whatever they wanted you to.

If only you hadn't been so wrong.

When Chuuya first joined the Mafia, he didn't know you, and you didn't know him. You were just some other underling, you worked for so and so doing such and such, he'd only occasionally pass you in the hallway.

Still, he had the biggest crush on you. You were just so beautiful, to pretty, so sweet. You seemed out of place in the Mafia headquarters.

The more he thought about you, the more you started appearing. Like that strange phenomenon when you first notice someone, and then suddenly you see them everywhere.

He wasn't complaining.

He saw how you were with some of your comrades, woman and men, you were always running around, doing things for them, following them wherever they wanted you to go. He didn't think much of it until he got brave enough to approach you and the group of 'friends' you had made a few years later.

"Ah, damn, I don't have enough for lunch! And I was really craving a pizza today too!" One of the woman whined, that's when you perked up, meekly raising your hand, as though you needed permission to speak, their attention went to you.

"I-i could always go and get you something if you like? I have enough on me"

That was nice of you.

"Really?! That would be great! Seriously, your such a life saver YN" she accepted your offer and praised you. And you ate it up with a bright smile and ran off to god knows where.

Once you were out of earshot, he heard the woman snicker

"See, if you want her to do anything, just make her feel bad for you! Pretend your injured, or sick, or that you have no money! Hell, she'll do anything if you so much as say you've had a bad day"

Chuuya froze. What? It was like some teen drama show - the overly kind, energetic friendly girl being taken advantage of by the meaner more callous popular one (Not that she was popular, Chuuya didn't even know her name, nor did he want to)

Well, if that's what it was gonna be like- he'd just become your Knight in shining armor!

If only it was that easy.

You'd come back rather quickly, almost like you'd ran, and handed the food over, the group thanking you, patting your head like dog before they up and left you standing there. You didn't have anything. Left on your own to go hungry for the day because you spent what you had on someone else.

So chuuya introduced himself. And he took you out to lunch.

It was the start of what should have been a beautiful friendship. But you were incredibly dense, and you treated chuuya the same way you treated everyone else, albeit with more effort because he never asked for anything.

And that made you nervous. You didn't know what you could do for him. So you did everything, to the point that everyone knew, and you eventually got assigned to become his 'secretary' of sorts. His personal lackey. Why bother giving anyone else the position when you were there doing it all anyway?

And Chuuya HATED this arrangement. But he couldn't say anything, not when you looked so happy to be working with him.

It takes a few more years before he's ready to tell you that he has feelings for you. He doesn't know what's been stopping him. Perhaps he was worried you didn't feel the same. He wouldn't put it past you to agree to date someone just because they asked, because you felt like you had to.

But then - then you got a boyfriend. Some guy he didn't know, and didn't really want to know.

You'd talk Chuuya's ear off about this man all day long, not singing his praise, but... complaining? It was refreshing, to see you not speaking so highly of someone, but it was also concerning as to the state of your relationship.

Your boyfriend disregarded your feelings, ignored what you said. But you'd tell Chuuya it was okay, because sometimes he just 'forgot'. He never spent much money on you either, which was fine, you didn't expect it. But chuuya distinctly remembers one day in the office watching you pace back and forth because you didn't have enough money for your boyfriends birthday gift - he'd been asking for it for months now, and you couldn't afford it.

Of course chuuya gave you the money for it. And of course you paid him back when he asked you not too.

After a few months Chuuya told you that you had to break up with him, for your own good. But you refused.

"You have no right to tell me that"

He didn't see you much after that. It broke his heart.

But not as much as it did weeks later when you came crying to him in his office. It was about your boyfriend - ex boyfriend now.

Chuuya once spoke about the future with you, where you saw yourself- married? Kids? You said you never wanted kids.

But now you come to him, a small white stick in your hand and tears running down your face. He sits you down and asked what happend.

"H-he didn't want to use... he didn't want to use protection. I asked him too, but he said it felt better without it. He said he'd leave me. So I - I let him..." Chuuya understood what you were saying, and it made his blood boil, he was ready to comitt murder in your name. But then you said something else that worried him.

"Then I..." You couldn't finish the sentence as you handed him the stick you came in with. Chuuya wasn't stupid. He knew what this was. It was the last thing you wanted.

"What are you going to do?" He finally asked.

You didn't answer him, instead leaning and resting your head on his shoulder.

You were tired. So he would let you sleep.

You left after a few hours, and came back a week later. A happy go lucky smile on your face as you ran around doing all the tasks you needed to do plus a few extras on the side. You weren't all there of course, smile faltering ever so slightly when you thought no one was looking. When no one would notice.

But Chuuya noticed. Of course he did. He was always looking. He always has been.

He let's you settle back into life, before he even considers thinking about you romantically again. He's cautious, he doesn't want to hurt you.

But eventually it gets too much. Your acts of service, you keep buying him things. It's too much! He should be the one doing that for you. And he tells you as much.

"But why? That's not... you job?" You asked him.

"It's not yours either"

You think you understand, and you panic - have you been doing too much all this time? You thought that was how friendships were supposed to work.

"You don't... you don't need to keep doing things for me. I want to be the one doing things for you!" He exclaimed, infront of many onlookers. "I want to be the one spoiling you, buying you presents, taking you out to eat, be someone you can lean on, talk to, tell all your problems" he continued further.

"I want to hold your hand. I want to see your face every day, I want to be close to you, and I want you to stop thinking you have to do things for me because you don't have to do anything other than be yourself"

"I didn't fall in love with what you could do for me, I didn't fall in love with the material items you brought me, I just fell in love with you, everything else be damned"

"You...fell in love with me?"

"Of course I did. How could I not"

"Well... i could think of one or two reasons" you tried to joke

"Just shut up. You have no idea how much it hurt, how much I hated myself for not being able to stop others from using you, how much it felt like I was also using you. And I don't want to use you, I just want to be with you... that's all"

"I..." You couldn't hide the shy grin coming to your face. It was out of character for Chuuya, especially infront of so many people to say such things, it was also cheesy. But... it meant to world to you. Chuuya loved you. And a part of you, the part of you you had been trying for so long to push down loved him too.

"You said you love me..." You whispered "you really said you love me!" You said a little louder

"I mean... well... yea, I guess I did"

You couldn't stop yourself from rushing forward to hug him, hiding your face in his shoulder

"You have... no idea how happy that makes me"

"I'd like to tell you how much i love you every day... if you'll let me?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ehhhh, the endings not really doing it for me I'm afraid. I wanted so badly to write a bad ending, but that wouldn't have been very comforting.

Not that Chuuya did a whole lot of comforting until the end... sorta.

Masterlist :3

#bsd chuuya #imagine #fanfic #bungou stray dogs #x reader #anime #chuuya x reader #chuuya nakahara #chuuya nakahara x reader

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kujakumai · 1 year

Note

Personally, I agree that TKB has every right to feel anger and take action to prevent the tragedy of Kul Elna from happening ever again. But the second he says "I'm going to work with a demon to destroy the entire world" is when I put my foot down, because that makes him no better than what the ruling class did to him; it makes him worse because he's inflicting that to other innocent people. Neither Atem and TKB are completely correct or wrong, but the story siding with only Atem is morally iffy

-TKB isn't a real person independently arriving at moral actions, he is a character in a narrative whose structure and characters are consciously designed by human beings to tell a particular story

-Saying "Well, TKB was still evil because he wanted to destroy the world" is accepting the premise of the narrative and TKB's motivation as if it sprung forth from the ether, ever-extant in its present form and incapable of being written any other way

-The narrative of MW paints a portrait of a world that is visibly and systematically unjust and whose domestic and military power is derived from the literal death and exploitation of the poor; it then has a character, TKB, make very deliberate criticisms of this system, and puts them in direct contrast with Priest Set and Akenhadin's own ongoing corruption.

-Since again, this is a story being crafted with intent, this contrast directly leads audiences to conclude that TKB's criticism is valid, and the author intends us to reach this conclusion and has deliberately set up his commentary. Determining that TKB is right about the monarchy is the logical conclusion of the facts and narrative tools we as the audience are given.

-However, instead of leading us to a satisfying conclusion based on this setup, the story instead tacks on "...but he wants to destroy the world, so we can kill him!" and never meaningfully addresses the questions about good and evil or the nature of the throne, nor does Atem ever have to really face them. It disposes of TKB and quickly sets about putting a heroic coat of paint on a mostly unchanged Set and reducing everything to a quick and tidy good vs. evil shonen fight scene, contradictions be damned.

-The problem with this plot twist isn't fantasy-monarchism. It's that it is actively disorientating. We as readers have been told in loud, bold letters for over two dozen chapters what this story is about and what message it's trying to communicate (a very powerful one, based on how passionate people become about it!) and the story simply...dumps it all, and starts pretending to be a totally different story. Like none of that earlier stuff mattered and we should suddenly be content with power-of-friendshipping the bad guy into dust.

-Tongue-in-cheek declarations that "TKB was right!" aren't moral statements about TKB or Atem's actions, because Thief King and Atem aren't people, they are characters--a narrative tool the author is using to tell a story. And again: the narrative is telling us that TKB is right and the monarchy is troubled and unjust. Vocal declarations that Thief King was right are really an expression of disgust for a clumsy narrative betrayal. "MW told me this excellent story, got me invested, very deliberately set me up to draw these conclusions about the story it was telling and the message it wanted me to get...and then tacked on the ending for a completely different story that had nothing to do with any of that! This is bullshit!"

-If TKB were a mere generic evil, who intended to destroy the world for his own gain and had no compelling criticisms of the hero's world or complex tragedy, he wouldn't be anywhere near as interesting (see: the anime, which did almost exactly this), but I don't think people would be half as worked up about it. It would be neat, at least, because if everything is a fantasy good vs. fantasy evil from the start, then at very least the story would match its ending. No one would feel misled or disorientated.

-But the story did ask moral questions of our characters, and it did so carefully, deliberately, and with fireworks; it is therefore culpable for failing to even attempt to have them answer them.

-At the same time, the trope of the "rebel turned murderous extremist" is well-worn and troublesome. There are ten thousand examples. A villain who challenges the status quo, who takes issue with real problems, revolutionaries and rabble-rousers with righteous fury...but they want to, uh, kill innocent people also! for some reason! which is why our heroes (defenders of the status quo) need to get rid of them and we don't need to listen to what they are saying!

-Why does fiction so frequently depict people angry about real societal problems, and who act to change them, as people whose legitimate complaints are inexorably tainted by tacked-on inexplicable violence?

-Who benefits when fiction frequently conflates righteous criticism of injustice with supervillainy? When fiction conflates heroism with stalwart defense of the current system? How do we carry these narratives with us into the real world?

-You are criticizing Thief King as if he were a person. I'm not, and I'm not interested in doing that. I am criticizing the poor formulation of a story.

-anyway. TKB did nothing wrong

#long post #meta

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purpleheartskies · 6 months

Text

The Neglect of Robby Keene

This post focuses on how neglect, abandonment, and emotional neglect are constants for Robby and how these led to Robby's behavior in s5. Interestingly, I'd written a draft of this post for s1-s4 before s5 came out. I didn't post the draft at the time because s5 was going to come out soon and the spoilers/leaks had started. After s5, I was easily able to update the draft to include the relevant content from s5 because Robby's story in s5 fit right into the post, sadly.

A recurring punishment for Robby is abandonment and neglect. Johnny bails for months from Robby's life whenever Johnny and Robby argue. Both of his parent's responses to him quitting school and giving them attitude about it was to just abandon him to his decision. And after he was dumped into juvie, neither Johnny nor Shannon made genuine efforts to be there for Robby as he needed them to be.

"You know, all those years you weren't there, I blamed myself."

Really, Robby doesn't even have to do anything to be abandoned or neglected by his parents, as is the case with situations like Robby's. Johnny walked away before Robby was born, making the decision then not to be there for Robby as a parent should be. Shannon constantly bailed and probably left Robby with no food or money often. Robby's sigh when he was going to fill his bowl of cereal with water was so telling.

Robby acts in no way surprised by Johnny and Shannon's behavior, and when he calls it out, he uses phrases like "it took 16 years", "same as it always goes", "again", "all those years", indicating the consistency of their behavior. Even when Shannon was leaving for Mexico in s2, Robby wasn't surprised that she was leaving but was worried about the bills and rent. He had also commented that she had been gone for days and he thought that someone had been breaking in, indicating that he hadn't been expecting her to return so soon. She had no concern for his well-being. Instead, she asked him what was wrong with him because he had attacked the guy with her, who had been entering the apartment, even though she had been gone for days with no obvious communication with Robby about when she would be returning. She was gone for months after this, and Robby ran out of money and food. Daniel took Robby in, and then months after, when Shannon returned from Mexico and said that she was leaving again, Robby asked her where she was going "this time".

Shannon: "Robby, what is wrong with you?!?" Robby: "What is wrong with me? You haven't been here in days. I thought someone broke in."

In fact, since s1, Johnny's abandonment and neglect of Robby has involved Johnny replacing him as well. Johnny not only gave up on Robby so easily after Robby said that he didn't want to go back to school and told Johnny to leave. Johnny also told Robby that he didn't care if Robby went to school, simply because Robby made some pointed comments and gave him some attitude. Johnny then went and dedicated himself to a random kid to put all of his efforts into, instead of going back to Robby and making a firm commitment to change and do better with him.

Robby seeing Johnny share a father-son moment with a random kid, after Johnny had affirmed Robby's comment that Johnny hasn't cared for 16 years by saying that he doesn't care if Robby goes to school.

Abandonment/neglect is so often a punishment and a constant for Robby that, when Daniel disowned Robby, Robby was generally accepting of this punishment. The first time Daniel kicked Robby out, Robby did try to explain himself in the moment, but the next day at the avt, he was back to his usual quiet demeanor, not saying anything to Daniel and just leaving him be. And when Daniel came to speak to him, Robby apologized and explained himself, not making the slightest mention of the harshness of that punishment without being given a chance to explain. Daniel had told Robby after he had fallen for Louie's first prank that Daniel would listen to Robby's side next time, which Daniel didn't do. The second time Daniel disowned Robby, not just as his student but as part of his family too, saying that it was all a mistake and once again not giving Robby a chance to explain, Robby was quietly sad about it but had no anger towards Daniel about his words or disownment. Instead, Robby defended Daniel's overall kindness to him and told Johnny that he and Daniel can learn from each other. Robby was still quietly accepting of the disownment later when he was talking to Sam in school. In fact, he took the situation as inspiration to confess a secret he had been keeping from her.

"Wait. Don't even start. I gave you a second chance. This whole thing was a mistake. You know, you wanna end up like him [Johnny], that's up to you." Robby doesn't know that, the next day, Daniel told Sam about Robby, "I thought I could help him, but... but he's got his own family. I need to focus on mine." Daniel had truly given up on Robby without even giving him chance to explain.

A couple weeks after the school fight, when Daniel ambushed Robby with the cops, Robby panicked and then threw up his emotional walls ("Don't bother") pretty quickly. He was being completely open and vulnerable with Daniel in that conversation, because he had believed that Daniel actually cared about his feelings and what he'd experienced, but when the cops showed up, Robby realized that Daniel, like Johnny and Shannon, no longer cared about his emotional or psychological needs, especially during such a crucial, traumatic time for him. Robby had wanted Daniel to be in his corner and have his back, to believe in him, which Daniel didn't do. Daniel once again didn't give Robby a chance to explain. In juvie, Robby was back to his usual quiet demeanor. Daniel had promised to visit Robby every day, but Daniel never did. Daniel did call and Robby hung up on him, but Daniel didn't make the effort to actually come to Robby like Daniel had promised, proving to Robby once again that Daniel's commitments to Robby, like Johnny's and Shannon's, can't be trusted. (Robby did try to open up to Sam via email, but he was stopped from writing the email. He later didn't write to her because she had stopped trying to reach out to him after her last email, "If you're okay, please answer". This had also been after her tv interview saying that she "hoped" it was an accident. This was yet another instance after the school fight of someone indicating that they thought the worst of him, and then abandoning him.)

Robby and his emotions are cast away so often that he puts up emotional walls to shield himself and pushes people away or he just puts his emotions away because, well, who is there to truly care about him and for him to trust and rely on? Johnny and Shannon have always put themselves, their feelings, and their needs above his, never truly caring about him and his feelings, thoughts, and needs. Like, when Robby wanted to hangout and watch a movie with Shannon in s1, she guilt tripped him into understanding that her wants and needs are more important than his. Or like when Robby genuinely told Johnny in s2 that Robby needed time to forgive him, Johnny made it about himself and accused Robby of continuing to train with Daniel just to torture Johnny, even though Johnny himself had been torturing Robby by replacing him with a random kid and continuing to train that kid even after that kid had purposely pulled on Robby's injured arm just to win a plastic trophy. Robby is so traumatized by Johnny that Robby had believed that Johnny had told that kid to fight dirty against him. Also, like in the car later in s2, Johnny asked Robby if he was nervous about his first day of school, but right when Robby started talking about the LaRussos, Johnny became dismissive of Robby's feelings, so Robby said, "I know you don't want to hear it". Robby knew that Johnny's feelings about the LaRussos matter more to Johnny than Robby's feelings about them, despite everything the LaRussos had done for Robby while Johnny had done essentially nothing for him. And after Johnny had abandoned Robby in juvie for months, knowing that he was being beaten and providing him with no support, Robby's big confession to Johnny that Robby has blamed himself all these years for Johnny abandoning him was met with no response or corrective action from Johnny, although Johnny had also accidentally hurt Robby in their confrontation. Johnny left Robby with a mark on his head with Kreese, and Johnny left with Miguel and didn't return. Johnny didn't care that Robby was homeless and had been homeless since getting out of juvie.

In s4, Robby said that Johnny now wants to make up for lost time just to feel better about himself. This is an accurate assessment of Johnny's intentions, which played out in s5. All these years, Robby's feelings have never mattered to Johnny. Only Johnny's feelings about their relationship matter to Johnny. Every speech Johnny gives about his failing with Robby is about how Johnny feels about it and how it's affected iim, with no acknowledgement at all about how Robby feels about it or how it has affected him. For example, Johnny tells others "I didn't know how to be a dad" as his reason for abandoning Robby. However, just because he didn't know how to be a dad doesn't mean that Robby didn't need a dad and didn't need Johnny to try to be one to him. Johnny himself was abandoned by his bio dad but he has had no empathy for Robby, instead leaving Robby with no dad and to be his own dad. Johnny could have at least made sure that Robby was being well taken care of, but Johnny didn't care to do that either. Johnny knew Shannon's habits before she went to rehab, like her often being at happy hour somewhere, where to track her down, and that she dated a lot of random men. But, like Robby had said in s1, Johnny hasn't cared about Robby his whole life.

In s5e3, Johnny said that things were now good with him and Robby, even though Robby told Tory in s5e4 that he and his dad still had issues, some that are too big to solve. Earlier in s5, Johnny had manipulated Robby into the "father-son" trip to Mexico and continued to manipulate him to get him to stay because Johnny admittedly needed help finding Miguel. Johnny had only looked for Robby for a few hours the two weeks he had been on the run, but Johnny gaslighted Robby and made it sound like he had searched for Robby with Daniel for those whole two weeks. Johnny then minimized over 17 years of failures with Robby to Johnny's non-"failure" with Miguel. And, because Robby was unhappy about Johnny tricking him into the trip, Johnny told Robby that he could go home on his own and ditched Robby at the bus stop, not caring if Robby could/would get home safely. It's in that moment Robby started fawning with Johnny on that trip. After having been abandoned by Johnny for years, especially whenever Robby would speak out against Johnny's mistreatment, Robby now switched tactics to avoid this punishment. Not to mention, Johnny was going to ditch him in another country after dragging him there with a lie, while Johnny had also told Carmen that it was unsafe for her to be there. Johnny obviously didn't care about Robby's safety or well-being and was willing to sacrifice him, while Johnny did what he could to keep Miguel and Carmen safe.

Johnny told Robby the bus schedule and handed him some money: "Sorry I dragged you into this, Robby." Johnny abandoned Robby at a bus stop in another country after tricking him there in the first place under the guise of a "father-son" trip...

Later, Robby told Johnny that he wanted to help Johnny because Johnny was trying to make things right. This is an example of Robby fawning and putting Johnny's needs above his own. Johnny obviously wasn't trying to make things right with Robby though, which Robby at least realized subconsciously so went on the defensive by fawning throughout the trip and which Robby acknowledged consciously in some way when Tory later asked him about the trip.

When it came to Johnny wanting Robby to be friends with Miguel, Robby clearly told Johnny that he didn't want to be friends with Miguel and that Johnny and Miguel have their relationship and Robby wants his space from that. Robby made his boundaries clear, but Johnny has no respect for them. Johnny eventually gave Robby no choice but to "fight it out" with Miguel, and Robby eventually surrendered completely to Miguel near the end of the apartment fight and surrendered completely to Johnny after the baby news, so that Johnny wouldn't abandon him again. Now that Johnny is going to have a baby with Miguel's mom, they're going to be Johnny's family for real, and Johnny already proved to Robby with the Mexico trip that the Diazs will always be more important to Johnny. The atrocious apartment fight followed by the baby news, firmly established Miguel once again and now this coming baby as priorities over Robby, as Johnny admitted that he wanted Miguel and Robby to get along because the baby was coming. Robby gave up who he is completely to appease Johnny for the rest of s5. At dinner, Robby had to ask Carmen's permission if he could join them, once again firmly establishing her priority above Robby as well. As Johnny's son, Robby shouldn't have to ask to be included, but as the kid who was scapegoated for the rivalry and for the school fight, Robby had to ask permission from his attacker's mother if he could have dinner with his own father, who had also sided with his attacker. If Carmen has an issue with Robby, then she shouldn't date his father. But, Robby the kid is put in the position of having to navigate the situation as if he has to earn his place in his father's life. Later in s5, Robby had to laugh off his own comment the one time he spoke up about Johnny's failures with him, after overhearing Johnny speaking with Miguel about his feelings and not wanting to fail him again. Robby still had to be careful expressing himself around Johnny, or Robby would be shut down and likely abandoned.

These quotes explain it well: "Having an emotionally immature parent often means you're pretending: pretending you're not resentful, pretending to agree with their opinions, and pretending you don't have needs and boundaries..." "It wasn't just people pleasing to please people. It was survival to keep unpredictable behavior away. The fear of not being able to make someone happy isn't about their happiness but how they use power in harmful and unexpected ways."

Sadly, Daniel no longer cares about Robby's feelings anymore either, although Daniel had cared before he'd disowned Robby the second time. This is especially noticeable in s3 when Daniel ambushed Robby without giving the slightest consideration as to what Robby's emotional and mental state would be. Daniel had called the cops before showing up at the rehab center and talking to Robby first. After Robby hung up on Daniel when he called Robby in juvie, Amanda dismissed Robby's anger as "he's a teenager" and that he'd come around, so Daniel let it go. Being a teenager doesn't make Robby's feelings invalid, especially given how Daniel had him arrested without even a proper conversation between them. After Robby got out of juvie, Daniel cared for a second about Robby's feelings when Daniel heard that Robby saw Sam and Miguel at Miyagi-Do, but then Daniel forgot about it as soon as Sam convinced him to give Miguel a chance. When Robby had gotten out of juvie the day before, Daniel had told Robby that Miyagi-Do would always be his home. Robby showing up at Miyagi-Do later that day meant that he had been open to taking Daniel's offer of a home, after walking away from Daniel outside of juvie. Daniel didn't even consider this after he had heard that Robby had come to Miyagi-Do. By then, Daniel had "let him go", like Amanda had told him to the day before.

In s4, both times Daniel talked to Robby, it was about Cobra Kai and related topics. When Daniel approached Robby the first time, Robby accused Daniel of coming to use him for the dojo war, and Daniel didn't even register what Robby's accusation meant wrt Robby no longer trusting him. That is, Daniel didn't care about Robby's feelings about him or their relationship, and Daniel just started talking about what he had come to say to Robby, similar to Sam's approach with him earlier in s4. Daniel had only thought to talk to Robby because Amanda had talked about teens with anger issues being lost causes in need of wake-up calls. In the second conversation in s4, Daniel used Robby's trauma against him when he taunted Robby about wanting to get back at his dad, a reference to their conversation at the s1 avt. Daniel was also dismissive of any negative feelings that Robby has towards him, and Daniel just focused on tearing Robby down for interfering with Daniel's goals to take down Cobra Kai and did't care for what Robby was saying to him. Daniel also overlooked that he had taken sides and teamed up with Johnny and Miguel, two of the people who had hurt Robby the most.

In s5, Daniel repeated exactly what he'd said to Robby in s3 wrt how Daniel had handled the aftermath of the school fight, so Robby avoided talking about his issues with Daniel. Instead, Robby put Daniel's feelings and needs above his own and told Daniel exactly what he wanted to hear. Robby said that Johnny and Sam had filled him in on what was going on (which implies that they had told Robby that Daniel had talked earlier about how he had failed with Robby). Here, Robby claimed that Daniel hadn't failed him. Robby told him all the ways he had helped Robby, and Robby talked about how Daniel had been right about Cobra Kai. Robby said what he needed to in order to lift Daniel's spirits and make him feel like he hasn't failed Robby, even though Daniel has been failing him at least since kicking him out before the school fight. Robby also called himself a "messed up" kid when he talked about how Daniel had given him a purpose. When they had met, Robby had been a kid who had been abandoned and neglected and living in survival mode, which he still is in many ways. At the time, Daniel himself told Amanda that Robby is a "good kid. He's just had a rough go of it." Sadly, Daniel didn't correct Robby here and didn't tell Robby what he needs to hear: he was never a "messed up kid"; he is a "good kid who's had a rough go of it".

Daniel: "Robby, the things I did, juvie, I was... I was just trying to help you." Robby: "No, I'm... I'm sorry. I mean, I should have listened to you about Cobra Kai..."

Robby's feelings and side of the story don't matter. This is a significant part of how Robby has been treated by the other characters and the narrative itself. Robby's generally closed-off demeanor is the result of years of abandonment and neglect. He puts away his emotions and rarely speaks about them because he has had no one who consistently and unconditionally cares about how he feels. In fact, when Robby expresses his emotions, he is often shut down. Like, Shannon dismissing him when he wanted to hang out with her, dismissing his concern that someone had been breaking in after she had ditched him for days, and dismissing him when he tried to remind her about all the rent and bills they have to pay when she said that she was leaving with that random guy. Or, like Johnny getting upset that Robby needed time to forgive him, dismissing Robby's sadness about Daniel kicking him out, telling Robby that choosing Miguel over him was making things right, brushing Robby off when he told him that Miguel had been the one to attack Robby and escalate things in school that day, and ignoring Robby wanting space from Miguel and from Johnny's relationship with Miguel while Robby was stuck staying with Johnny for the summer, which was something else that Johnny and Shannon had decided for Robby without caring how he felt about it.

The quote about emotionally immature parents continues as: "... This act of pretending becomes so ingrained that you can spend several days together in the same room and yet still feel profoundly invisible and deeply insignificant to them, as if your feelings and needs do not faze them at all."

After Johnny had tricked Robby into a "father-son" trip and manipulated him more so that he would stay to help find Miguel, Johnny shared a profound father-son moment with Miguel right in front of Robby as if he wasn't there. Johnny hugged Miguel with more love than he has ever shown Robby.

Robby has had no one who would validate him and help him properly understand and process his emotions, especially those related to his traumas of abandonment, neglect, replacement, the school fight, juvie, and his other traumatic experiences. Instead, the one person he found for a short time in s1 and s2 who seemed to care just told Robby to "let go" of all these negative emotions related to his abandonment, neglect, and replacement by his father, which is not the correct way to handle these emotions. Fawning is also described as self-abandonment. In s5, Robby was now disregarding his own feelings and side of the story to appease everyone around him.

The school fight is one of many situations of Robby's feelings and side of the story don't matter, which occurs in different ways throughout Robby's story with the various characters, especially in s5 when Robby swallowed all of his emotions to be around the "good guys" as they all ignored or dismissed his issues with them. Even the other teens, Miguel, Sam, Demetri, Hawk, and the Miyagi-Dos, ignored or dismissed Robby's side of the story.

Demetri dismissed Robby talking about Hawk's wrongs toward the Miyago-Dos and called Robby an asshole, comparing him to Hawk. Demetri has never once acknowledged that Robby had protected him from Hawk, who had lead a gang assault against him over a yelp review, and had been protective of Demetri when some of the Cobras had first joined Miyagi-Do.

In general, Robby has never been given the support and time he has needed to process the events of the school fight and his experiences after that. He had been viciously attacked, stopped from protecting his girlfriend, and taunted about people he cares about not wanting/loving him in return (because the person taunting him knew that the taunts were extremely hurtful and grounded in truth). His attacker was about to break his arm for no reason but then suddenly stopped and said "I'm sorry". However, in such an intense situation and having been attacked by that person without provocation multiple times before, Robby reacted with a "fight response" and accidentally things went horribly wrong. After being frightened and on the run for days, Robby went to his mom for help. This is important. He went on his own to an adult, after being on the run and being well hidden. He wanted help, real help, to solve the situation. (Up until the end of s4, Robby was mostly counter-dependent because of his traumas. He rarely directly asks for help, so him coming to his mom and talking like he was going to go on the run was him genuinely wanting to stay and get her help. After all, he had been hidden and on the run until then.) Instead, Daniel, who Robby thought would help him and give him the psychological and emotional support he needed while solving the legal situation, didn't even care about his mental or emotional state, making rash decisions on Robby's behalf (calling the cops on him instead of first speaking to him, understanding from him what had happened, preparing him, and letting him make the decision to turn himself in) as well as judging him by his mistakes (kicking Miguel as well as running after the school fight), while simultaneously telling Robby that his mistakes aren't who he is. Daniel's actions were counter to his words, thus setting in Robby's distrust of Daniel. Daniel only cared about the legal situation and not about Robby's side of the story or his mental and emotional state, and so Daniel acted accordingly. Daniel also acted based on his earlier experience with Johnny wanting to kill someone purposely in the garage fight, after which Daniel told Johnny that maybe Robby has too much of Johnny in him. Before the school fight, Daniel had told Robby, "You wanna end up like him, that's up to you." When Daniel talked to Robby at the rehab center, Daniel still believed that Robby is like Johnny and not his own person.

Robby got so hopeful after Daniel said that he'll "help" Robby learn from his "mistakes". But, Daniel's "help" came in the form of Daniel having called the cops on Robby without first having talked to him, understanding his mental and emotional state, or caring about his side of the story. Later, Robby even commented that Mr. LaRusso wasn't in his corner and didn't have his back. Daniel never fought for Robby as Daniel should have. Instead, part of Daniel's "help" was a police ambush and a traumatizing place like juvie, where Daniel didn't even visit Robby as promised. Daniel has never once acknowledged Robby's side of the school fight, and instead told Amanda and Sam right after the school fight that he couldn't believe that Robby would do this, implying that Daniel believed even then that Robby had injured Miguel on purpose. In this scene in the rehab center, in the scene when he got out of juvie, and in their one-sided reconciliation scene in s5, Daniel repeated that this was all Daniel's way to "help" Robby. Daniel still doesn't even consider Robby's feelings wrt their relationship as relevant, so Daniel doesn't try to talk through and understand Robby's side of the story properly. After Robby had walked away from Daniel outside of juvie, Amanda had told Daniel to "let him go", and sadly Daniel did.

Johnny and Shannon were of course utterly useless and uncaring towards Robby in this whole situation following the school fight. Johnny and Shannon once again put their own needs and feelings above Robby's in what was probably the worst situation of his life, and neither helped him nor was there for him as a parent should have been. In s5, they continued to put themselves first, not even caring who Robby wanted to spend the summer with, but deciding for him. Shannon not wanting Robby for the summer is par for the course for her and shows that rehab may have helped her with her alcoholism and drug addiction, but not with her tendencies to cast Robby aside. Though she did raise the alarm about Silver in s4, her dismissive "Cobra Kai or whatever" and her absence from the tournament continue to show her lack of interest in Robby's life and in being there for him. Wrt Johnny, Robby had said in s4, Johnny just wants to make up for lost time to feel better about himself. In s5, Johnny proved Robby right with Johnny's self-centered dialogue about Robby, Johnny prioritizing his relationship with Miguel and Carmen as well as his efforts for the baby plot device over Robby, and Johnny continuing to dismiss Robby's feelings the whole time while still wanting to keep him around like a prop as long as he didn't speak out against Johnny.

Johnny and Daniel deny Robby's identity as his own person with his own feelings, needs, and experiences when they project their view of Johnny onto Robby. Daniel has been doing this since before the school fight in s2e10. Johnny started doing this after Daniel's comment to Johnny in s3e2 that maybe Robby has too much of Johnny in him. Johnny and Daniel doing this adds to the emotional neglect that Robby experiences due to them. Not to mention, before they allied together at the end of s3, they each put their rivalry with the other above Robby. Now that they are okay with each other, Daniel expects Robby to be okay with Johnny, and Johnny expects Robby to be okay with Daniel. Daniel dismisses Robby's feelings about Johnny and claims that Johnny cares about both boys, despite seeing the evidence otherwise. Johnny was dismissive of Robby's gratefulness to the LaRussos before the school fight, but in s5, Johnny filled Robby in about Daniel's situation and wanted Robby to show his gratefulness to Daniel because now Johnny believed it mattered.

After the school fight, to add to Robby being discarded and thought the worst of by the people who "care" about him, there was also Robby's experience of juvie, with the beatings and bullying that Robby endured on his own, including the reminder that his dad and girlfriend hate him and don't want him. The guards turned a blind eye of course, and only Kreese and his advice had come through for Robby.

" 'But, Robby, your my son. But I hate you, Dad.' Your girl left you, your dad hates you, you got nobody. And now you got nothing."

Johnny had seen Robby's bruise in juvie but immediately accused Robby of starting fights, not caring to ask Robby what had happened or if he was even okay, and then never coming to see Robby again. In s4, Johnny also dismissed that Robby had been attacked by Miguel that day in school, saying that he himself wasn't there, implying he didn't care for the details. Johnny ended the conversation by turning Robby away and slamming the door on Robby's retreating back. Johnny then went back to his life of being a constant loving and caring support towards Robby's attacker, and not towards Robby, as Johnny had been for months. (Johnny's decision to choose Miguel over Robby in the aftermath of the school fight was wrong. Child abandonment and neglect should never be condoned, especially in a situation like this. Johnny is Robby's parent first and foremost, and Johnny failed Robby and continues to fail him in all ways.)

This quote is so relevant:

"It can clear up a lot of confusion around childhood trauma, when you realize abandonment is not only when someone walks away. It's also when someone who is meant to protect you, allows others to hurt you."

This has been Johnny wrt Robby throughout the series. Johnny continues to abandon Robby, not just by walking away but by leaving him in dangerous situations and allowing others to hurt him. Johnny knew about Shannon's lifestyle and about the random men she brought around Robby, but Johnny didn't care. Johnny knew that Robby's friends in s1 were not good people for him to be around, but Johnny still walked away. Johnny hasn't fought for Robby and his side of the story since the school fight, and instead took his attacker's side and has continued to show him support since. Johnny ignored Robby's bruise in juvie, victim blamed him for it, and never went back to support him. Johnny left Robby to train with Kreese and Silver in s4. In s5, Johnny dragged Robby to Mexico and then ditched him at a bus stop to get back home on his own. After Robby stayed, Johnny allowed Robby to take risks that he didn't need to. Later, Johnny handed Robby over to Miguel for a beating. After the s1 avt, Johnny was upset that Miguel had shown no mercy to Robby during their match, but since the school fight, Johnny has walked that back. In s5, Johnny allowed Miguel to hurt Robby as he has always wanted to, and Johnny no longer acknowledges what Miguel did to Robby in the avt. Johnny truly doesn't care about the details of the rivalry. Miguel is the one who started the rivalry and is the bully in the rivalry.

It's also important to note that, until s5, Robby's side of the story regarding the school fight still remained largely unheard, and even then we only now know his side of the start and end of the school fight. We were never shown Robby's thoughts during the entire fight, especially the moments between his attacker randomly letting go and saying "I'm sorry" and Robby's "fight" trauma response (which Robby described as wanting to "finish the fight"). Robby had every right and reason not to trust Miguel in that moment and not to realize that Miguel had genuinely decided to stop fighting. After all, Miguel had a history of attacking Robby and had attacked Robby twice in that fight, even choking him, kicking him into the railing intentionally, and wanting to break him arm, all for no reason. In s3, Robby had tried talking about the school fight to Daniel, but Daniel ambushing him was like Daniel shutting him down and saying that he didn't care or want to hear it. After that, Robby stopped talking about the school fight. Even when Kreese and Tory showed him empathy about it in s3 or when Sam said she was angry with him about it in s4, Robby didn't say anything in response. The first time he talked about it again was later to Johnny in s4, and Robby got shut down again. Robby was trying to deescalate another situation and rightfully corrected Johnny about what had happened in school that day. Johnny is Robby's father. He is one of at least two people that Robby should be able to rely on for protection and help, which Robby can't do.

"abandonment is not only when someone walks away. It's also when someone who is meant to protect you, allows others to hurt you."

What adds tothese extremely sad aspects of Robby's story is how much Robby still loves his parents, despite how they treat him, and how much he of course still hopes that they'll care about him. Like, in s2, how sweetly Robby talked about watching Shannon's favorite movie with her when he was younger, even though at this moment she was still gone, after having ditched him for so long that he had run out of food, lost electricity, and would have been evicted. That even though she didn't care if he had what he needed to survive, he still spoke of her and those memories fondly. And when she finally returned months later, the moment she said that she was going to get help for herself and for him, he became happy for her and no longer showed her any anger.

In s5, Robby mentioned that he and his mom watch "Hot Ones" together, indicating that they still watch movies and shows together. But, Shannon once again ditched Robby for the summer against his will. Although this time she didn't leave him all alone, she did leave him with someone who she knows is unreliable when it comes to properly caring for Robby. One thing Robby doesn't know is that Shannon brushed off all of her and Johnny's failures with Robby as the two of them being young and dumb, and Johnny happily accepted this. (Johnny was in his 30s when he gave up on day 1. Johnny is now in his 50s and still keeps screwing up with Robby.) Shannon and Johnny once again dismissed all of Robby's negative experiences because of them, just to feel better about themselves.

With Johnny, Robby became hopeful the times Shannon told him that Johnny wanted him to move in (s1) or that Johnny wants a relationship with him (s2), even though Johnny himself had shown no genuine indication to Robby of either. In juvie, Robby smiled a little in disbelief, overwhelmed when he found out that Johnny had scheduled to visit him, even though Johnny had not tried to contact Robby for "over one month" after their "one good day" together. Johnny sadly missed this visit and chose Miguel over him again, which Johnny should not have done. (Even, Bobby didn't approve.)

In s4, Robby went to Johnny to tell him about his students bullying Kenny, but Johnny didn't care. Robby also told Johnny about his fear of becoming like Johnny and said that he wouldn't because he is better than Johnny. Instead of telling Robby that he can be better than Johnny, like Johnny had once told Miguel, Johnny just got upset and dismissed Robby so that Johnny could get back to making Miguel's favorite dinner to get him away from Daniel while Robby went back to being trained by the pyscho that had strangled Johnny twice, once when Johnny was about Robby's age and once just a few weeks prior while Robby was lying unconscious nearby. After the avt, Robby followed Johnny to tell him about how much he is struggling with all of his "hate", which he doesn't understand is how his trauma due to Johnny manifests itself. Robby told Johnny that Robby took Kenny under his wing because Robby wanted to be the mentor he wished he had when he was younger, a quiet acknowledgement that Johnny had never been a mentor to Robby as Johnny should have been. Robby eventually told Johnny that he's sick of blaming Johnny. Sadly, Robby keeps putting hope in the person who has abandoned and hurt him the most and who has no true will to fight his inner demons and treat Robby better.

In Robby's conversation with Johnny after the avt, Robby is so devastated by how much "hate" he feels, as if he has no right to have "hate" and that it is wrong for him to feel the way he feels, regardless of why he feels it or how others have treated him. Robby has been raised to reject his own emotions, like his parents reject them. And being told to just "let go" of that hate by his first mentor didn't help either. Not to mention, Johnny guilt tripped Robby in Mexico, low key making him believe that his "hate" is wrong and that he should sacrifice his well-being to help search for Miguel. Johnny continued to dismiss Robby's "hate" for him and for Miguel after that and eventually forced Robby to fight Miguel, that is to use a "Cobra Kai" method, to resolve his issues with Miguel for Johnny's own benefit, even though in this s4 conversation, Robby had told Johnny that using "Cobra Kai" had made everything worse for Robby.

"And I had all this hate inside of me, for you and for Miguel. I thought I could use Cobra Kai to control that. But it just made things worse and now it's never going to get better."

In s5, Robby switching to fawning with Johnny and everyone was a sad culmination of all the trauma Robby has experienced, especially due to Johnny.

Abandonment, neglect, and emotional neglect can't be seen. These describe things that aren't done for a person. This is the silent context of Robby's story. You can see all the good times Johnny has with his replacement kid and grow fond of their bond, but you can't see the empty void that is Johnny's absence in Robby's life or the emptiness of a dark apartment or a lack of food that isn't there. You can't see the absence of psychological and emotional support, especially when those who should be giving it don't give it. Robby's relationships with Johnny, Shannon, and Daniel aren't just the moments he has with them, but also consist of all the things they didn't do for him that he had needed them to do as the adults in his life.

s3 and s5 showed what a great difference a support system can make, though a support system shouldn't come at anyone else's expense, like Johnny's support of Miguel has always come at Robby's expense. In s3, Johnny put all his time and effort into helping Miguel with his recovery. While Johnny was building Miguel back up, Johnny ignored all the hardships Robby was facing. Robby was alone and was being torn down and eventually went to Kreese of all people because he was the only one who had been there for Robby at a desperate time. Later, Robby knew that he couldn't trust Kreese, but like Robby told Johnny, he couldn't trust Johnny either. Daniel, as Sam's father, rightfully put his time and effort into supporting Sam, repeatedly telling her that he is there for her. Daniel, however, never did the same for Robby, despite having taken on the role of Robby's mentor and parental figure. Robby expectedJohnny and Daniel to care about him and didn't expect Kreese to care about him, so Robby stayed with Kreese because he was the more predictable one between them. In s5, Daniel lost in his fight against Silver, like Robby lost in his fight against Miguel. Everyone rallied around Daniel after his loss, while no one other than Johnny and the Diazs knew about the Robby and Miguel's fight, and no one other than Johnny and Miguel knew of Robby's loss. Given that Robby became people pleasing towards all of them, it seems Robby didn't trust any of them to care about him so he didn't tell anyone about the fight. This itself adds to Robby's trauma. While Daniel was lifted up and supported by those around him, Robby has been dealing with things alone for a long time, especially since the school fight, and feels that he can't trust the same people who supported Daniel.

Robby has had no consistent parental/adult, psychological, and emotional support for a very long time, probably his whole life. By the end of s5, Robby needs that support as well as time to heal more than ever. Robby needs the support of someone who is truly committed to helping him and who won't give up on him and/or tell him that helping him was a mistake or ignore his mental/emotional state, regardless of whether he has screwed up.

As I mentioned, the narrative also emotionally neglects Robby. Robby's pov and side of the story aren't just overlooked by the other characters but are also overlooked by the narrative as well. His side of the story hasn't mattered to the other characters, at least so far, and the story is told more from their povs.

The other characters, the narrative, and most fans are like Kyler in this conversation: acting like Robby's traumas and feelings aren't anything to acknowledge.

Despite this narrative emotional neglect, Robby still exists in the narrative and still is such a central part of it. Robby is the protagonist and underdog in the story. As I mentioned in another post, the protagonist isn't always the main pov character. However, the protagonist's pov is eventually revealed. With that revelation, I hope Robby gets a proper support system, especially someone who will sit with him repeatedly, listen to how he feels, tell him that it's okay for him to feel what he feels, and help him process in a healthy way all the feelings that he's been holding in for so long. Someone who will help him to trust again and to love himself as he should, and not to self-abandon in response to others' behaviors towards him. He needs someone who will be there for him, have his back, and be in his corner unconditionally.

(Please don't reblog or reply with any dismissive comment or tag expressing negativity towards the show writers, the writing, or the serious aspects of the show. Such comments/tags minimize the contents of the post. Regardless of what will be in s6 or what payoffs we'll get in the story, this is an analysis of what is in canon so far. Robby's story is so important because it portrays abandonment, neglect, and emotional neglect consistently through Robby's experiences throughout the series. Robby's character and story represent various people in society and their struggles, and these topics should be respected.)

#cobra kai is robby's story #robby keene #the neglect of robby keene

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whatswrongwithblue · 3 months

Text

The Fire in the Sin

Chapter 12 - Drunk on Life

Word count: 5,248. Read on AO3. Series Masterlist. <- Previous Chapter.

Summary: Just pure fluff and smut. No TWs apply that haven't been seen in previous Chapters.

Chapter 12 - Drunk on Life

Series Summary:

In the 1950's, Alastor met the woman he would eventually marry but unfortunately his Radio Demon persona went for her soul rather than her hand. He has to learn what it means to love, and cherish, without possessing and he does. Their relationship is beautiful, strong, unbreakable . . . but he carries a dark secret through their marriage for decades until eventually he has to face the consequences of that secret and leave her, without warning, for seven years. He returns, finding her at the Hazbin Hotel, and has to convince her to forgive him, while being literally bound to secrecy, unable to tell her any of things he now is desperate to explain to her.

(This is a duel timeline fic, timestamps will be a the top of every chapter.)

Pentagram City

1955

The months that followed their first evening together went by in rapid bliss for Alastor and Mina. Life was still busy and kept them apart most days and nights, but they usually spent at least a couple evenings a week at either his place or hers and would often meet up for an outing or two in between.

Abaddon had been a little . . . judgmental, at first. They didn’t care for Overlords any more than Mina had initially. They had a strong moral code against owning another person’s soul, and they had thought Mina shared the same opinion, though truly, she only really cared about her own freedom. If someone else was dumb and gullible enough to sell their own soul, she had no problem with it.

The angel also vocally disapproved of the circumstances in which Mina and Alastor had met, and how poorly Alastor had approached their relationship at first. Mina’s friends, especially the two Alastor had dealt with the night he tried to obtain Mina’s soul, had also been cold and distant with him when he first began spending time at Mina’s.

But Mina repeatedly made the point that the angelic flames of The Pit would have devoured Alastor long ago if he still held any ill intentions towards her, and eventually, everyone accepted the two as an official item. Abaddon and Alastor, however, remained tense around each other whenever they had to cross paths, which Mina tried to make sure happened as little as possible. Her adoptive parental figure and her new beau were polite, at best, but both made it very clear they were only being so for Mina’s sake.

They were approaching six months together and Alastor was a bit surprised with himself in how quickly he had adjusted to life with a relationship. He had been sure when he invited Mina to his radio tower that it was what he wanted but he had expected and had been fully prepared for it to be more difficult than it had been. His brief past experiences had cemented the idea in him that he was not an easy man to be romantically involved with and yet Mina seemed neither bothered nor put off by his . . . differences.

As a teenage boy, there had been one girl. A beautiful, high class young woman, who had been seeking adventure on the wrong side of town and had found Alastor. And while he had very quickly noticed he wasn’t as all-consumed with desire for the opposite sex like his peers seemed to be at that age, puberty had its affects on even the likes of him. She had taken his virginity and it had been a very stressful and embarrassing experience for him. When it became clear that he was never going to be more than a wild youthful experiment to her, he had shut her out completely. The girl had been bitter then, not ready for their fling to end, and had insulted his mother and his race. She didn’t know how close she had been to being his first kill that night, but he got her back a decade later by dumping her father and her husband’s bodies in the swamp for the alligators. By the time he himself had perished by gun shot, she had drunk herself into liver failure, and once they were reunited in hell, he had disposed of her soul like one did when they took out the trash. He didn’t even bother putting her in his broadcasts.

In his early twenties, his mother had set him up with Estelle. It hadn’t been terrible. She and his mother got along well, and it made his mom happy to see him with someone. Settling down, as she had put it. Estelle was sweet and he had known her, at least at a distance, since he was a boy. Quick marriages were common then, but he held off on agreeing to anything of the sort, and in the end, had been very grateful for his cold feet. It came to light that she was in love with another man, while her family was pushing her towards Alastor for his fairer complexion. They had convinced her that it would give her future children a better chance of being considered white if she married someone with even lighter skin than her own had been. Alastor hadn’t been heartbroken. He hadn’t been in love, or even “in lust.” But the idea of being used that way, for that purpose, as if he and Estelle were just breeding stock, had repulsed him. He broke ties with her and her family after that. He hadn’t even truly been angry, just relieved the farce was over. They never crossed paths again, not even in the afterlife, and she therefore never crossed his mind.

He had spent the rest of his life as a bachelor. Not that he purposefully avoided romance, but he also didn’t pursue it. And it was an incredibly easy thing to dodge when it wasn’t being sought after. The kind of loose women that did occasionally come onto him at the speakeasies held no interest for him other than as dance partners and if any other women had any desires for him, they were too modest and ladylike to show it, and he missed all the signals.

It was only after his mother had passed, and he began his killings, that he reflected on his single life and realized he was rather quite grateful for it. A lover, especially a wife, would just complicate things and bring little in the way of additional happiness.

In death, as an Overlord, the concept of a partner had become so far removed from his mind that he was truly no longer capable of recognizing those long-forgotten feelings by the time he had met Mina. So much so that he initially misread his own desires to be with her as a desire to own her soul.

He had been terribly nervous that first evening together; at least at first. But after just a few minutes in her presence, he had forgotten his trepidation completely. Mina was able to meet him step for step the way no one had before. Forget everything they had in common and all the logical, objective reasons why they worked as a couple. She could read him. Mina could tell when he was genuinely happy or putting on a front, she could tell when he got agitated, she could tell when he wanted affection, and most importantly, she could tell when he would rather not be touched at all.

The amount of desire he felt for her was far more than he was used to. Alastor had wondered if it would quickly burn out after their first time in bed but that had proven to be quite the opposite. As Mina became more confident and aware of what she herself liked, so did Alastor. She was such a force of nature in every other aspect of her life that it surprised him to find her to be such a submissive little thing in bed. Though she had her playful, sassy moments, especially if she was the one initiating things, Alastor found her willingness to let him take charge in the bedroom very rewarding. It meant he was never pushed passed his own boundaries and could largely focus on her pleasure, and those things combined helped him find much more enjoyment out of sex than he had with previous partners. And if he wasn’t in the mood, if something had pissed him off or his attention was simply too absorbed in something else, Mina never made an issue of it.

Mina had even helped him become more tolerant of his tail; that awful little appendage he had on more than one miserable night sawed off his body. Through fur, skin, and bone, he had gritted his teeth in a desperate attempt to be rid of it and regain a semblance of control over his body, only to have it regrow the next morning, like a parasite he was doomed to eternal existence with. The perfectly healthy, fluffy extension of his spine had been an embarrassing and insulting constant irritation to him until he had discovered just how much Mina liked it. Suddenly, he had a reason to tolerate it, at least under one specific circumstance. And when under the covers, if Mina reached around and stroked it while he was inside of her . . . well, that wasn’t as horrible as he had imagined it would be.

What made him the most comfortable with her was that she expected nothing of him, ever, except his company when he was free to give it. Mina had no desire for more power; she wasn’t an Overlord like himself and therefore could neither be a rival to him, nor would she ever try to use him for her own advantages. She wasn’t needy and didn’t demand anything of their time together. When he was alive, there had always been pressure; for marriage, for a family, for him to be a provider for someone but Mina clearly wanted none of that. She just wanted him. Exactly the way he was, nothing more, and nothing less. He never had to put on a performance for her and he never had to hide what he was from her.

Their relationship had proven to be so outstandingly easy and enjoyable. Alastor was almost embarrassed at how simply . . . happy he was these days. How incredibly wonderful the last six months of his existence had been.

Usually, they made plans for when they would next see each other, but they were also both becoming comfortable with stopping by unannounced. Alastor, of course, had been the first to pick up the habit. It had excited Mina the first time he had done it and that had been enough for him to continue doing so, and he encouraged her to do the same.

It was on an evening such as that, that Alastor approached Mina’s front door, and could hear the sound of her lovely singing voice from the outside. He went very still at first, concerned about unwittingly making himself a victim to her siren powers, but then relaxed when he realized there was none of the unnatural pull that came with it.

Mina was simply singing for the sake of it and Alastor’s smile turned further upwards when he realized he recognized the tune very well.

The hearth is cold

And my belly it aches

To keep your heart warm

I would watch my own break

Time is a killer

A beast to conclude

It sneaks in the night

And feasts on our wounds

So hold your breath

And bite your tongue

My love

I will hold you til' the morning comes

The night is young

And the darkness long

But my love

I will hold you til' the morning comes

Alastor stood at her door listening for a moment before he turned to shadow and slipped in through the open windowsill, coming to stand in the corner of the living room. Mina’s back was turned to him, seated at her small piano, as she slowly played a few keys along with the tune.

Alastor had never heard this song played with an accompanying instrument and he felt his ears tip to the side with pleasant curiosity.

Our shelter is here

We are safe and sound

No witness to bare

No fear let around

The dawn is nigh

Tis bright and anew

The dark it will lie

Morning will be true

So hold your breath

Lets make our amends

My love

I will hold you til' the darkness ends

The night is young

Yet the stars will descend

And my love

I will hold you til' the darkness ends

Mina sounded weary and sad as she sang the final verse and Alastor suddenly felt like he had intruded on a very private moment. Shame tried to weasel its way into his thoughts, and he dismissed them the best he could. Mina had given him explicit permission to enter whenever so neither of them should feel embarrassed.

Still, he chose to quietly clear his throat so as to not startle her.

“Jaysus!” she screamed, and jumped out of the piano seat, literally clutching her chest, but her look of shock quickly turned into a smile when her eyes landed on Alastor. “. . . . Mary, Joseph, and the wee little donkey!” she continued with a laugh as Alastor grinned back at her. “You frightened me half to death, love.”

“My apologies,” he said, coming to stand by her. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything too . . . personal?”

Mina glanced down at her piano for a second before looking back up at him.

“You didn’t feel anything, did you?” she asked, concerned.

“No, I feel quite alright. Should I not?” he asked in return. Interesting how little control she felt she had over her power. It was unnerving, but fascinating.

“It’s nothing, just lost in my own head,” she said, and then flirtatiously let her arms wrap around him, “but I’m suddenly feeling much better.”

He obliged her a kiss, letting it linger for a moment. It was what he had come here for initially, though now his interests were set on other things.

“You know,” he said as he pulled away just enough to read her expression, “my mother used to sing me that song when I was a boy.”

“W-what?” Mina stammered, her expression that of pure surprise.

“Mmmm hmmmm,” he said, “she was quite the fan of yours.”

Mina pulled her arms away from him, but she didn’t look upset, just shocked.

“You never told me you actually knew my songs before.”

“Ah well, you caught me. To be honest, it took me a while to put two and two together and then I just wasn’t sure of the best way to bring it up. But you have also never offered to play me any of your own songs before.”

Mina laughed softy and sat back down on the bench, facing away from the piano, and Alastor sat next to her.

“Sometimes I forget how famous I was there for a time when I was alive. I – it wasn’t . . . it’s not exactly a time worth remembering.” Then she wrinkled her nose. “Your mother sang you that song? It’s a bit dark.”

“All of your songs were, if my recollection serves me correct. Though I must admit, as much as I adore you now, it was my mother who was your fan back then, not myself. You were a bit before my time and I’ve always been more into jazz than folk music.”

“Well I wish I could commend your mother in person, she’s the only one I’ve ever heard of who recognized it for a lullaby rather than a love song.”

It was Alastor’s turn to be surprised.

“It’s not a love song?” he asked.

“No,” Mina said with a mock offended laugh. “I never wrote those. I sang them, sure, but I never wrote one. When the Morning Comes was the first song I ever made up. I used to sing it to my sister when we were kids.”

She was running her hands absentmindedly over the piano keys, and Alastor could tell she was purposefully looking away from him. He was a master at hiding his feelings, and over the last few months had come to know Mina intimately well. She was masking a great deal but regardless, he could still read her expression and tone.

“You must have loved her very much,” he said quietly.

Mina shrugged. “I loved my family.”

The way she said it made it sound like an incomplete sentence to Alastor’s ears.

“. . . but?” he prodded.

She side-eyed him and rolled her eyes.

“Can we talk about something else?”

“Come now, cher,” he said, scooting closer to her, “I’ve held nothing back about my past.”

Mina still remained silent.

“You loved them,” he repeated her words, “but I take it they didn’t love you back?”

She took in a long, slow breath.

“I suppose they did when I was very young. But in the end?” she finally looked up at him. “I horrified them.”

Alastor could see the glow of his red eyes reflecting back at him in her vertical pupils. Her soul reflecting his. Horrible, yes, that was the right word for her . . . at times. And so very perfect for him, all of the time.

“I love you,” he said, and watched in adoration as his reflection became larger as her pupils dilated. How expressive those lovely eyes of hers were.

“You’re just saying that because of the song,” she said, breaking eye contact.

She looked ashamed and now he was confused.

“My dear, I don’t understand,” he said, lost and a little annoyed at her dismissal of his rather large confession.

“The song!” she said, getting more upset now, and began to speak in a rush. “It affected you. I didn’t mean for it to, but it did, and now you’re saying that and you don’t really mean it. And that’s fine, I don’t expect you to feel the same way that I do. I shouldn’t have been singing out loud anyway. I just wasn’t paying attention and-”

“Mina,” he interrupted, “I didn’t feel anything when you were singing. Why would I? Unless . . .perhaps you were singing it as a love song?” he teased.

“Oh, do shut up,” she huffed.

“I love you,” he repeated.

She whipped around to face him and he just smiled back at her.

“Say it again in an hour,” she demanded. “Just to be sure.”

“Alright,” he said, raising an eyebrow. “In an hour.”

Alastor turned dramatically and glanced at the clock on the opposite wall, showing that he was making a point of checking on the time. Then he turned back towards her, leaned in, and kissed her.

“And again in the morning,” he said as he pulled away, before immediately pressing his lips to hers again. “And every day after that.”

She lost herself in him after those words. Everything was a blur; his mouth on hers, her hands on his body, his voice ringing in her ears. Being with Alastor was so much more than what she had ever dreamed sex could be like. She was drunk with pleasure; it felt perfect, it felt right.

They were in her bed and Mina already couldn’t remember if they had moved rooms by walking or if he had teleported them there but their clothes were off and his face was between her legs and nothing else mattered anymore.

She was much less shy about him going down on her now and she eagerly rocked her hips against him as he lapped at her wet slit, pushing herself harder into his mouth until she could feel the sharp edges of his teeth against her sensitive flesh. He never bit her there but she had come to crave a little pain when he fucked her and loved the feeling of his sharp fangs scraping against her, not enough to make her bleed, but enough to make her feel the danger of it.

His slid two fingers inside, curling up and stroking her soft and spongy spot as he gave her clit a hard suck before turning his face and biting her just to the side of her sex. Alastor’s teeth dug in properly there, sinking into her flesh and she felt a new source of wetness as her blood began to flow.

He continued pumping his fingers into her, fucking her with deep slow strokes as he lapped up her blood, alternating between running his tongue over her clit and the red and weeping teeth marks. It was messy, leaving streaks of blood on her inner thigh and his chin, mixing with the wetness he was coaxing out of her cunt with every thrust of his hand.

Mina reached for his antlers, grasping them at the base, feeling them thicken just a little at her touch, watching them spread just a bit higher up at her attention. She held on, continuing to rock her hips, unabashedly watching as he devoured her bloody pussy like it was the finest meal the cannibal had ever tasted.

His eyes met hers, and those burning ruby orbs held so much desire and adoration in them, despite the filthy things he was doing to her, and the combination of love and debauchery had her cumming around his fingers within seconds of making eye contact. She held his gaze for as long as she could through her orgasm, and he kept working his fingers inside her, but after a few seconds she gave in, flopping onto the mattress behind her and mindlessly blinking up at the ceiling.

She felt him pull his hand away, his sticky wet fingers holding her by her hip bone, as he placed a last gentle kiss to her bite mark and then her clit, making her shudder, before he crawled up her body. When they were chest to chest, she leaned up just enough to wrap her arms around his neck and pull him down to her, capturing his mouth with her own and tasting the mix of her own blood and lust on his lips.

“I love you,” she whispered, still afraid to say it any louder.

He laughed softly at her and kissed her on the nose.

“I must finally be getting good at that if you’re suddenly willing to say those words to me,” he teased.

She smacked him on the shoulder.

“You’ve always been good at that and you know it.”

His grin spread a little wider. He did know it.

“And I loved you long before today,” she admitted quietly, growing serious again. “And I think you know that, too.”

“I do,” he said, his grin still wicked but his eyes matched her sincerity. “Je t’aime aussi.”

I love you, too.

His voice was deeper and richer with those foreign words than she had ever heard it and she felt her body responding, another wave of desire making her core ache for him again.

She reached down and between them, feeling the velvety flesh of his hard cock in her hand before she began stroking him.

“Say that again,” she said, smirking as she earned herself a groan from him.

“Je t’aime aussi, Mina,” he repeated in the same low tone he had used before.

“Is that Creole?” she asked, still stroking him. He gave an involuntary thrust of his hips, his body craving more than the slow and tender treatment she was giving him.

“French,” he said, through gritted teeth. “Just French. I thought . . . ” he trailed off, distracted and panting for air. “I thought you would understand it better.”

She shook her head. Without letting go of his now throbbing member, she spread her legs further, adjusting her hips to line his tip up with her entrance.

“Tell me you love me in Creole. I want to hear your real voice when you say it.”

Alastor shifted his weight onto his elbows, his red eyes boring into her green and gold ones, as he moved his hips forward and took her invitation to slide his cock inside of her.

“Mo linm . . . toi,” he said, once his length was buried as deep as he could go, his voice low and completely without the radio static filter.

She gasped at his words and the full feeling of him inside her. The bite next to her mound stretched and ached as she wrapped her legs around him, getting his cock to penetrate her even deeper and pulling his body more flushed against her own.

He began to move, shallow quick thrusts that stung a bit but also hit her just right. His body was thin, made of beautiful lean muscle, and if it weren’t for his height, he wouldn’t weight much more than she did. But still his weight crushed her into the mattress, pinning her beneath him and his hips smashed against hers, repeatedly rocking into her hard enough to make her bed squeak with each repetitive motion. She held on, moaning with every exhale, and anchoring her legs by her ankles at the small of his back, her knees just below his shoulders, and her hands tangled in his red and black hair.

“Alastor,” she said his name with a sigh. “Tú . . . mo . . . ghrá.”

You are my love.

She said the words slowly, whispering each syllable in rhythm with each thrust into her. Though she still knew many songs in Irish Gaelic, she hadn’t properly spoken the language since she was a little girl in her grandmother’s home.

Alastor took pause, her words distracting him and his ears went rigid as he slowed his movements down until they were much slower and more gentle. The decrease in intensity felt almost teasing, letting her arousal build up even more, but it was the way he was looking at her that really built up the heat that was burning up her insides.

He brought his forehead to rest against hers and she let one hand come free from his hair to caress his cheek. She couldn’t stop the smile that bloomed across her face, even as he crashed his lips into hers.

This slow pace he had started after brutally fucking her at the beginning was oddly more intense. For all the biting and scratching they often did, for how rough Alastor tended to get once he knew she was comfortable with whatever position they were in, this slower romantic kind of love making was almost a kind of kink for them.

“Tú mo ghrá,” he repeated to her. His accent was off but the words were still perfection to her ears.

Her body tightened everywhere at once, and feeling her pleasure about to reach its peak, she dug her nails into his shoulder blades, whimpering as her orgasm hit her.

“Mo linm toi,” she cried, barely more than a whimper as she came.

As she came down from her high, she let her body relax a bit and her legs unwrap from around his hips. With her knees spread wide, she sighed, and then bit Alastor playfully on his collar bone, spurring him on to get back to fucking her hard and fast.

He did just that, pounding into her with renewed vigor, and she swore his cock felt even bigger than before. She was overstimulated and it burned but she liked it. She wanted to feel this sweet ache for hours afterwards.

Mina caressed his body and kept her own as loose and relaxed as she could for him, stroking his ears, running her fingers up and down his spine, and cautiously, as if she were testing the waters, ran the palm of her hand over the swell of his ass before grabbing a handful of the tensed muscles there.

He didn’t stop her, didn’t change his rhythm in anyway, and she hummed with pleasure as she anticipated her next move.

Alastor had only just started letting her touch his tail, a few times as they lay in bed together, and once when they had been in the shower, but never during sex.

She spread her fingers around the base of it, letting it slide between her index and middle fingers, and felt him shudder above her, but he didn’t stop thrusting into her. Mina purred, nuzzling her face into his neck, her sweet affections a stark contrast to the intense fucking he was still giving her.

He was chasing his own pleasure now and she wanted to lean into that, give him something new that she was certain he would get off on, if he would just let her do it.

“I love you,” she said as she wrapped her hand around his tail, letting her fingertips run through the soft fluffy fur there, and then began stroking it.

He gasped, rocking into her harder, his cock slamming into her cervix hard enough to bruise and she just purred louder.

“Do you like that?” she whispered to him, her voice as full of feminine lust as she could make it.

“Fuck yes,” he groaned and she couldn’t help the proud, deep chuckle that came out of her.

His tail was extremely sensitive, so she kept her grip light and let her strokes stay more towards the base. Her fingertips stayed on the underside, putting just a little more pressure along the bottom.

“My love. My heart. Mo chuisle,” she said to him as she watched his eyes go black.

She pressed her fingers harder into the very base of his tail, along the bottom where it met his spine, and felt him cum as she did so.

The heat of his seed burned against her over stretched and aching inner walls, filling her up until she could feel it spilling out of her and onto the sheets beneath her. It was a wonderful sensation, to know she had brought him that much pleasure, and she felt proud of herself and her body for being able to do so. The aches and the pains, the blood and the bites and the mess, was all a part of that. Proof of their passion for each other and now, their love as well.

When he had finished, he curled up next to her and they wrapped their arms around each other. As amazing as the sex was, this part always made Mina’s heart flutter the most. Alastor was so dominating and controlling in bed so to get to have this softer side of him afterwards, when he didn’t just let her touch him, but let her hold him. He completely surrendered to her then, let her show him total and unabashed affection as he fell asleep, even if for just a few minutes.

His head shot up, interrupting her moment of perfect bliss.

“What is it?” she asked, concerned at his sudden reaction.

“Do you have a clock in here?”

“Um . . . I think I have a watch in my drawer.”

He stared at her expectantly and she rolled her eyes at his strange behavior.

She rolled away from him and leaned over the edge of the bed, getting a watch from the top drawer of her nightstand.

“Well, my darling, would you look at that,” he said after grabbing the watch from her and studying its face. “We were at it for quite some time. It’s been over an hour.”

“Yes, love, you are impressive,” she said with a smile but then Alastor huffed at her, seemingly annoyed. “What?!”

He sat up and shoved her shoulders until she was on her back, pinned once again to the mattress. She let out a little squeak of surprise, not afraid, but a little turned on again.

“Do you not recall your challenge to me earlier?” he asked, his smile wide and mischievous.

She gave a small nod, suddenly understanding.

“Well?” she asked with a quirk of her eyebrow.

“I love you,” he said.

And as promised, he stayed all night so that he could tell her again in the morning.

Next Chapter ->

Author's Note

P.S. Everyone always has Alastor speaking French and/or Louisiana Creole - and I agree, with someone he was intimately and romantically involved with, I obviously think he would. But I can't have an Irish OC and not have her use a teensy bit of Gaelic in the bedroom, even if she's not fluent. And then have them speaking each other's languages to each other. There's just nothing more sweet and romantic than learning about the language and culture of your S/O.

The one line I didn't translate during the Chapter was "My love. My heart. Mo chuisle." Mo chuisle literally means "my pulse" but it more properly translates to either "my love" or "my heart" in English, so Mina is really just saying a variation of the same term of endearment in three different ways.

P.S.S. The song Mina is singing is one I wrote so if you hate it - that's why.

@inuhalfdemon @saccharine-nectarine

#hazbin hotel #hazbin alastor #alastor fanfiction #alastor hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel alastor #alastor the radio demon #alastor #alastor x oc #hazbin hotel fanfiction #alastor x reader #alastor fic #alastor fanfic #the fire in the sin #alastor hazbin #hazbin hotel oc #hazbin oc

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thebottomfromhell · 1 year

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Hello. I do not know if your request are open, but if they are could you please write courting headcanons for upper 1.2.3 like you did before? If yaou do not want it is okay (sorry. English is not my first language)

Requests are always open, I just might take a while in some. Don't worry, if anyone wants me to right anything as long as it follows the rules of the blog, I will. I did promise to do this if anyone wanted so to this I will add Gyokko and Nakime, so:

Traditional Courting [more or less], Demon Male Reader. (Also no sexual content).

First part here.

Warnings: Cannibalism, Human death, Mentioned suicide, Trauma(?) dumping, angst (why the fuck I can't write Akaza without angst?)

Kokushibou:

You first asked him for permission to court Kokushibou, he only told you to get out of his sight. You did.

A few months later Nakime summoned you into meeting him again in the Infinity Castle. You were told you would be, not only courting Kokushibou, but staying with him to search the family that leads the Demon Slayer Corps, Ubuyashiki.[Muzan got tired of Kokushibou not finding anything and started to relate it to him just not searching at all, so you are there to remind him and motivate him to do so.]

Kokushibou was not very happy with these news,offended that a man wanted to court him and give him the traditional women's role, but accepted gracefully the orders. At first, he only ever ignored you, but you slowly, very slowly, managed to spot what would awake his attention as you both searched through all Japan (it gave you more time the fact uou disn't know how to recognize the Ubuyashiki he send you after and Kokushibou seemed to get lost in his mind more often than not). But even after he was not the one to start a conversation, he prefered to spend time in quietness and quiescence. He barely eats, barely does anything other than meditate and practice his breathing forms. It's like he's more a slayer than a demon, but you don't mind.

Kokushibou just doesn't take anything you offer he doesn't like, and it takes you months to figure out his taste in gifts and food. Turns out he likes handicrafts, not buyed or stolen, but actually made from the one who gives the gift, not caring for quality of the product, but for the effort. You found out since he had a small and horribly done bamboo flute with a clean cut in his robes, when you tried to make another flute he also kept it. "It's.... I feel like you care. The fact that you did it yourself... It's personal." So you use rocks, paper, bamboo, clothing, wood and other things you find and steal to try and make jewelry, fans, karakuri boxes, origami and so. He always takes them, even the ones that are made poorly.

As for the food, again, he barely eats, but you only have ever seen him eat swordsmen, mostly samurais, but it's like everytime they are harder to find [the samurai class was abolished at 1868]. You decide to motivate him into trying new meals, he doesn't eat old men nor slayers, but you later find out he didn't even like the taste of the samurai "I don't know why, but it feels right for them to die by a demon." You did find a new favorite, buddhist monks, the closer to the Nirvana the better.

He doesn't like to be called anything other than his name, and he prefers the use of honorifics. He is also not kin in starting physical contact, but with time he starts accepting your approaches. Most of the time he just likes to sit down and listen you talk or having you hughing him in silence. There are times he starts conversation, he talks a lot in those, being more a monologue than anything else.

"I only want to become the best. Become more than... but it doesn't matter anymore. Right now you want to become part of my life, you wanted that so badly you went to Muzan-sama for it, and for some reason he decided to grant you what you wanted. I don't understand what he saw in you, but... your presence is now something important. Just make sure to always be behind me, reaching for me, and I will always be near to accept you." Honestly, he always speaks so cryptically you gave up in the meaning bahind of what he says, he never explains it. But you try your best to be understanding.

You spend hour days moving and searching, everytime you act more like a nomad married couple, but you never get a ceremony. Kokushibou would only like something 100% traditional and samurai cultured [just like his human marriage was], but with the timeline, you both being male, you both being demons, none of you having families, money or knowing your ancestors, it's just impossible.

"I don't mind if we stay like this forever, just you and I." He whispers against your embrace one day. This is still good, after all.

Douma:

When you asked Douma permission to court him, he was already taking you him for you to get the blessing. Douma was very interest in what you had to offer, but to be fair, he genuinely though he would kill you or you would cower down, but none of them happened. Once you asked for the blessing he only looked at you both with anger and disgust, and the second his eyes where focused on you only, you could sense a mix of indignation, confusion, pity, disappointment and indecision. At the end he only sighs and told you to get lost and that he is not dealing with it. "Oh, well. He didn't say no. I guess we are courting now, aren't we?" And that is how started.

Douma has a hard time not being the center of attention, so the traditional female role suits him just fine. He likes how often you go to his place and always invites you to stay over. He is very kin in petnames, but to your surprise he likes also more feminine ones, and doesn't mind being called "Princess" or other nicknames specifically adressed for women. "Being called princess feels nice, it's a very pretty way to call someone in a golden cage, stuck in a throne they were born to sit it. I would just adore it if you called me that."

Douma is always way too honest with you, sometimes dumping into you informations and expreriences that are actually traumatizing but he doesn't seem to care. He also likes when you validate his feeling, even the ones he doesn't actually feel. Other times he wants you to go against him, only for the sake that he can do anything he wants and nobody would stop him. You wonder if that is how he expresses freedom, since he already told you he has been all his life inside this cult as a if he was a living Buddha statue.

He is ok with any gift, every gift. No matter what you get him, he never shows preference. There was only two gifts that definetely managed to get through him. Those two you gave him in a desperate attempt for him to show any type of reaction for what you gave him instead of a "Oh, lovely. I will save them in the warehouse so nothing happens to them." It was a broken nichirin blade (now looking like a knife) and wisteria poison the same user of said blade had with them. Douma always carries them with him. "My mother killed my father with a knife, and then she poisoned herself. It was my first encounter with death, these gifts make me nostalgic. My heart never beat so fast before that and I remember wanting to leave but not being able to move. Is that what disgust feels like?" Should you regret giving him that?

It's well known Douma eats woman like a drunk drinks alcohol, so you thought his favorite meal is something that could only be found in a female human body, like the uterus, breast, ovaries, fetuses, unborn babies, placenta or something like that. To your surprise, he likes to eat the heart the most, still full of blood, hopefully, since it's an organ very mild-tasting, but tender. He likes any healthy heart, and getting those is rather easy. He also sometimes likes to eat human food, only for the sake of being able to eat anything he feels like and the sickness it brings. "You would be a good husband, taking care of me like now when I do something fun but stupid. You would stay with me forever after our marriage, wouldn't you?"

In the end, after a year of courting, he sends his followers to prepare the wedding under your guiding, he isn't really part of the process and makes no effort to be so. You end up as his consort inside his cult, the marriage is a peaceful one, but you still try every day to try and make Douma feel hapiness. Still trying. At least you had a great ceremony, expensive and big, with everyone of Douma's followers watching with joy. After the ceremony Douma picked a cult member that fitted the best in your taste and shared him with you. "Now, as a part of me, you should be able to give eternal life to this people, inside of you. Living forever just as they wished from the start, now witnesses of our beautiful love story."

(Also, Douma tried to invite Akaza to the wedding, it didn't work.)

Akaza:

You asked Akaza permission first, he stays paralyzed for straight ten minutes, lost hin his mind with a disturbed face. His first reaction, after he shakes his head, is to tell you you would need his blessing. At first he denies you, but before you manage to leave he tells you he changed his mind. That Akaza is very hardworking and deserves to be spoiled a bit, so you better make him feel good. [Muzan did want to give you to Akaza as a reward, but also as something that would motivate him to get even stronger and work even harder.] "I didn't expect him to... forget it. Just don't get in my way, we need to look for a damn blue spider lily or whatever."

It takes him a while to warm up to you, but even before that he gets protective and doesn't let you out of his sight. He doesn't even care for the fact you are a man, just that you are there and safe. He also seems to like when you call him a certain pet name "my Komainu", you call him because of how protective he is, sometimes you call him "Haku" as it's shorter. He seems both sad and happy at the same time when you do. He even has told you he likes it more than his own name, for some reason.

He is bad taking gifts, for some reason he always worries too much about the price or starts to fret if they were stolen. "Just sto doing that! It's not like I need anything, it's just some stuff. You are only causing trouble, running around and stealing like that will only make you lose your hands! And he will kill himself!" Sometimes he says things that don't make sense even to himself, but he worries a lot. Still, you know he likes pink and snowflake patterns. So you try to make your own gifts with those traits, he keeps everything close, tidi and clean.

Akaza is very vocal in not eating women, small children (he can eat teens), nor sick people. While he likes to kill weak and coward people, he is not fond on eating them. He likes to eat slayers and swordsmen, so it's a bit hard for you to get the meals he likes without dying at the process, but you manage. He is a very messy eater, he destroys more of the body than he eats, but spends a good time doing so. It's like he hates the food, likes the taste and, as any other demon, loves to eat. Still, he prefers relying on training than in eating.

"You are not a bad guy yourself, thank you for... taking care of me. Taking me in." You train with him amd try to adapt to his eating paterns, in result, you get stronger. No way near to an Upper Moon level, and definetely not as fast and efficient as eating woman would be, but you are very strong. Plus, you manage to catch a Marechi with the traits Akaza likes twice or thrice in the courting years, which helped. "You are every day stronger and helthier, make sure to take care of yourself. I will still protect you, but don't do anything stupid."

You spent five years courting him, Akaza was very hesitant on accepting to marry you. "It's not that I don't love you, Y/N. I would love to be your husband, that you vould be my husband but... but you will die! I don't know why or how but you will die amd it will be my fault! I won't be able to protect you!" He rambles, clearly distressed, the first time you ask him, you have to embrace him and cuddle him for around a week. It takes a lot of time, but you manage to reassure him everything will be ok.

You both prepare the wedding, slowly, very slowly, even with the limited resources. You make sure to listen what he wants. A ceremony on winter, under the snow, with fireworks at the end, at an specific town, a small event, and then to go home. He gets scared and needs a pause for every preparation you make and item you steal, but you don't mind waiting. You managed to fool a young buddhist to marry you both, it was a beautiful ceremony. Akaza cried during it, then spend the rest of the month cuddling and crying with you. "Please don't die, don't die. I beg you, stay with me. Don't die, don't fucking die on me. Please."

You keep taking care of him after you get married, and he stills hugs you everytime as if you would die the moment he lets you go. Sooner or later he will realize nothing will happen to you, but for now you must be ready to comfort him and calm him down.

(Also, the second Douma found out Akaza was married and he wasn't invited, he decided to make a second wedding by himself ans his followers, forced you into it so he could be in it.)

Nakime:

How did you even get here? Like, again? The second you asked permission to court her she threw you out of the Infinity Castle, only to bring you back with her and him in less than a day later. Guess what, you've got the permission, the blessing and even an order from him. How? Why? No idea. [Yes idea. Have you seen Nakime's blood art? Also the fact she dislikes men in general and Muzan, who may disguise as much as he wants but is still a HE, forces her to welcome them in her home? She is too important to lose, so your job is to make like you enough so if she wants to rebel he can have something on her that would not kill her.] But who are you to say no to him, even with Nakime glaring dagger towards you.

The first weeks everytime you try to speak to her she sends you somewhere else. You are lucky that because of his orders, she doesn't throw you at the sun or starve you. It takes you a year for her to stop toying around with you.

Even before that you were getting her gifts and food. You did the basics, get her biwa strings and other materials sl she can take care of the instrument. [She doesn't really need them since her biwa is part of her blood art, it maintain itself, but she liked the gesture and the attention]. She also likes kimono's, she kept most of what you got her, some of them were not of her liking, but besides that, the feeling of filling a wardrobe made feel wealthy, but you have seen her wearing them. She is not a person of jewelry, but she kept a few of the ones you got her, mostly the ones for her hair. Every once in a while you find with one of those with part of her hair pulled up.

Her diet are mostly men, drunk men to be more clear. It's a weird taste since the slcohol tends to ruin the blood, and it's even more weird that she actually likes the lungs and vocal cords, but you don't comment on it. You had to ask him for this information since you never once saw her eat before you.

"I appreciate the gifts." It was the first time she said to you two years after you asked permission to court her. She was never the one to hold long conversations, and you were not the exception, but she did like to play and sing for you. You always show interest in her music, and she likes the positive attention. She likes when you call her nicknames related to music. "Dear melody" "My artist" and "Beats" are names she react positively.

It took you three teats for her to finally accept you, but she was hesitant. "I do warn you, if you change your attitude and become a deadbeat husband I will confine you into an endless corridor of my domain for you to starve until you kill yourselve." You swear the besides singing you never heard her voice say so many things in less than hours of difference. She is serious.

Still, you let her handle the ceremony the way she liked it as you got the priest and another kimono for her. For your surprise, not only the halls were decorated, but he would assist as well with his favorite Uppermoons. Nakime was not as pleased with their presence, but she wanted him there on this special night.

It went well to both of you and you started to stay with her at her domain, you kept doing gestures for her and helped in everything you could. She is happy with that.

Gyokko:

You ask Gyokko permission first, he only allows it because, of course you are enamored by him! Who in their sane mind wouldn't? If you want to show appreciation, then who is he to deny you? He will let you court him, but warning. One mistake and you're out.

When you asked him for the blessing, he looked at you for seconds as if you said both the most stupid yet interesting question one could ask. After a few seconds he decided that it wasn't his business and told you to do as you pleased. Gyokko was a bit offended by this but there wasn't anything anyone could do.

As for gifts, Gyokko likes art in general, so you could get him pieces or material for his pots. He appreciates it very much, since you show attention to his interests. "Oh, Y/N! You've got such a good taste! I may consider you as a husband later on, such a beautiful pigments, and you say they are foreign! I don't care if you stole them or buyed them, but I would love if you got me~" And to your surprise, his favorite art collection is actually the Thirty-six Views of Mount Fuji fron Hokusai. "Stamping is, in my humble opinion as an artist, crass. But still, the motive is beautiful and has a very nice display of perspective." You get him the 46 prints.

Gyokko is very picky with his food, he only ever eats people with soft and tender skin and flesh, healthy organs, a clean body and a a face that's at least easy on the eyes. "Appearances help the appetite!" he explained the last point. But to be honest all of these traits together are easier to fing in young women and children, and he prefers the last one. Gyokko hates children, with his soul. Another dead child instantly makes his day better, so he gets very happy if you get him some to eat.

He hates nicknames, but he likes to use them. He also starts making you pots and sharing his food for you before the year ends, enamored by your accommodating attitude towards him. He also loves when you touch and massage his body, specially his scales in his last form. He loves that he is able to relax with you. "Oh, darling. Who would have though a beauty like me could fall for someone like you... no offense."

The moment you ask for his hand he jumps at the chance to design his own wedding, not letting you choose anything but still expecting you to help. Still, in arts and decoration he got good taste, so uou trust his judgement. It was a big event he filled with his summounings, javing the sits full. He made his sadistic art of joining men in a pot with some priests, who were the ones who married you.

"I bet you are very happy to be married to me, dear husband. You've got very lucky. I hope you keep amusing me as always~" It's good, he is still the center of attention. But you are both ok like that, besides you also keep getting presents from him and starts teaching you how to make pots. Also got you a grand honeymoon in the Tokashiki Island with his pots, in the Aharen beach, so no complaining.

[Keep him away from the children, please.]

Bonus: Gifts for the child

Kaigaku is still new at being a demon, he likes to collect things that remind him to his human life. Don't misunderstand, he is proud of his new strength and the fact he survived the Upper Moon One after just becoming a slayer, but he didn't ask to become a demon, it was just that the options were dying or that. He likes specially peach seeds, nichirin blades and cheap haoris. As for meals, he likes to eat young people, hopefully weak and male.

#kny headcanons #top reader #kny x reader #demon slayer #kny #upper moons #kokushibou #akaza #douma #gyokko #nakime #kaigaku #male reader #courting

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