#not knowing what im capable of doing. feeling very incapable.

[seraphim-soulmate]

23 > one year closer to 25, I can almost taste it > which in itself is close to 30, where I have expectations for myself

[safesthaveninexistence]

Every single word I say they grip and latch onto it. I ooze paramount priority. My beauty’s divinely heavenly (chills). My beauty tangibly feels unrealistic. My beauty tangibly feels out of this world. Seeing my face tangibly feels out of this world. I’m tangibly unignorable. They never had a bitch like me. They never met a bitch like me. I’m the type they impulsively gets tattoos of. Everyone wants me. Even if they don’t say it they want me but they always inevitably unavoidably and eventually say it. I’m so unbelievably pretty. I’m clearly a bad bitch(chills profound and deep chills). It’s clearly about me winning here. They know I got powerful ass connections with celebrities. Everyone knows I have absolutely zero insecurities. I’m rightfully on the high horse. They know I’m unsurpassable royalty(chills). I got unmatched status and unmatched power. Everyone knows I’m incredibly self-aware and self-observed. Everyone knows I’m very self-knowledgeable. I’m more famous than Beyonce and Taylor swift combined. My inner world is in my favor. They cannot twist my energy in their favor especially when I don’t like them. They know being with me is the greatest fairytale. They know I’m not playing any games. Everyone is so unbelievably horny for me. I don’t even have any competition. My energy is so energetically powerful it can effectively humble them. Im the greatest craving. My energy is unsurpassably well presented. It’s clear I have absolutely everything I want and everything I need. I’m the greatest chase to them. They understand not having me in their future makes their life dreadfully bleak. They can’t even use anything else to fill that void that ONLY I CAN FILL like they’re physically, energetically, psychically and spiritually incapable🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️. They know having me is a plus to their reputation. They stay fighting for my attention. They’re fighting for a response. No one’s capable of putting a spell on me but i put spells on them. I AM PALPABLE AND TANGIBLE SEXUAL TENSION(chills). They want me to use them for my own pleasure. Nothing changes the fact everything i said about myself is true. Absolutely everything i see is never at my expense. Everything is bound to work in my favor. Everything is bound to satisfy me. Everyone is bound to satisfy me. Everyone and everyone is bound to put me at ease. Everyone is bound to agree with me. They instantly become irrelevant when i arrive. I got high female appeal. My aura is legendary. I’m so unbelievably fine it gives them chills(chills). They admire me they’re in love(chills). I never fail to take their breath away. I can wear a clown suit and still turn heads. I ooze the final boss no one can beat. I’m absolutely class. I’m tangibly and palpably intriguing. I look too clean everyone’s jaw drops when they look at me. They look at me suddenly they’re abouta risk it all. They admire me because I’m so unapologetically authentic. I’m unforgettably authentic. Im irreplaceably authentic. My authenticity hits the HARDEST. Their eyes widen when they see me. They can’t take their eyes off of me. They know i can have what i want. They know i can have who i want. My presence has a gravitational pull on their eyes. My beauty has this unsurpassable gravitational pull on their eyes. No matter what i do they forgive me no matter what i do they unconditionally love me no matter what i do they unconditionally favor me. No matter what i do they missing me. No matter how famous someone is it doesn’t change the fact I’m still far more immeasurably energetically powerful and undefeated. I’m always at the right place at the right time(chills). It’s always about me upgrading(chills). I got balls cause i go against the grain. They think im scorching cause i got the balls to go against the grain. The hardhitting energy i give off is unbelievably insane(chills). I only infinitely upgrade. They cannot alchemize anything i send to them into their favor. I’m the apex predator of monsters. Im too majestically jawdropping (HELLA CHILLS). Everything i want is instant aint shit gradual with me.

[cheesus-doodles]

Since I rarely saw (y/n) being an executive alongside Hanma and Kisaki, here I go with platonic Hanma, (y/n), Kisaki trio. Those two spoil you when you are very much capable of buying your own things, probably teased you for being single when those two ARE THE REASON WHY YOU'RE SINGLE, won't date you but won't allow anyone to touch you either. You're probably hated by the girls Hanma and Kisaki surrounded themselves with tho.

IM FEELING SOME HCs SO HAVE SOME ANON - these takes place in the future between the Bloody Halloween arc and the Black Dragon arc

Masterlist

‎

Toman Executive Reader + Yan BFF Hanma & Kisaki HCs

Yandere Platonic Hanma & Kisaki

how you managed to befriend these two delinquents of all people is a different matter, but needless to say once they were fixed on you, they don't ever leave again

if you already had another job, too bad, you don't anymore - Hanma and Kisaki would have pulled out all stops to get you out from there, even if it meant burning the entire company down

these two (mostly Kisaki) definitely only agreed to you being a Toman executive alongside them because it would be so much easier to keep an eye on you

none of the other Toman executives understand why you are even an executive to begin with, as you’ve never been a formal part of Toman before - you only pulled in much later on once Kisaki became Mikey's right hand man

and neither were you able to stomach the mere mention of murder, let alone any of the more more awful and gritty crimes that Toman gets up to

you're barely even present at the regular earning meetings, since your job is a very surface level job, in charge of running of their smaller shell companies, and you don't exactly bring in the big bucks for the gang

but of course no one is going to question Kisaki about it, especially not if Mikey has already agreed to it

you're still given a hefty salary despite contributing almost nothing though, courtesy of your two friends

but that doesn't matter, since they would buy everything for you

house? nope, you stay with them in their Toman penthouse for "safety reasons", and no one seems to be be willing to rent or sell to you for some reason

clothes and bags? oh whaddya know, they mistakenly bought the wrong size/fit/style/gendered clothes again and its perfectly in your size and suits you - you don't want to these extremely expensive items to go to waste do you?

food? why do you want to go out and eat when they have their own personal, vetted team of chefs who can whip anything you can think of up?

you're spoiled and pampered whether you want to be or not, because Kisaki and Hanma are incapable of seeing you as anything but that small fragile friend that they made all those years ago

and you would always be that small friend to them who couldn't even take a fall without crying, let alone throw a punch to save your life

you weren't built for this world, certainly not their dark, messed-up world, and therefore it's up to them to shelter and protect you

you brighten their bloody lives, so its no wonder that these two love to spend every minute they can with you

anything that the two don't like, such as clothes that were too skimpy for their taste or that they didn't look good on you, gifts given to you by people they didn't approve of, would evaporate the moment you turn away

and you can't get a straight answer out of them what happened - they wouldn't lie to you, but that didn't mean they wouldn't run circles around your head with what they did with your stuff

no way would you be ever able to beat either men in their game of words

if not one or both of them being at your side constantly, they have an excuse to have a full team of their most trusted security forces accompany you absolutely everywhere

cameras and microphones absolutely everywhere in your home, at your office, in your car, hidden trackers on you and your stuff

these boys can't function without knowing everything about you and what you were doing - they just simply have to know that you were still alive, you were okay, and you weren't doing anything they wouldn't approve of behind their backs

like meeting strangers, getting into trouble with other gangs, or worst of all, finding a partner

even during meetings they have updates on your whereabouts and actions constantly pinging their phone

starts getting visibly fidgety when the updates go quiet for five minutes, to the point one or both of them would stand up and leave the room to call and get a hold of you

despite being part of the literal yakuza, you still have a set of rules that you have to follow, laid down by your two friends, which included not allowing you to get your hands dirty with actual yakuza work (the irony)

good cop, bad cop kind of system I would image, though the boundaries between good and bad are kinda blurred when it comes to Hanma and Kisaki

Hanma is more often than not the good cop; a lot more relaxed when it comes to you and your rules - more than happy to turn a blind eye to anything less than serious if it met you would come running to him to hide from Kisaki

would also be the one to spoil you rotten, taking you out for shopping and partying (at private Toman clubs with selected people only of course)

whereas Kisaki would be more the bad cop more often than not, being the one that has to remind you and hold you to their rules, and dish out the punishments whenever you break them

be it smacking you on your hands to the more severe locking you in a room for a week with no contact

but Kisaki does have his soft moments and Hanma does have his tougher moments - each of them have their boundaries when it comes to you and your antiques

they don't want to have to break bones or cut flesh to get you to listen to them, but push them to far and you probably wouldn't like what they become when their need to protect you and their jealousy get out of hand

no dating is an unspoken rule for you laid down by Kisaki, especially so among the other executives, though not that you know about it

doesn't matter if its a boy, girl, or anything in between, the only people in your life should just be Hanma and Kisaki

but you're still a sight for sore eyes when you do get invited to their manager meetings, with the rest of the executives being able to breathe a bit easier and relax even in the presence of Kisaki

they know that your presence means that none of the two would be pulling any funny business

neither like to have to beat the living shit or execute someone in front of you, so that is usually kept behind close doors

they keep an eye on the few executives who they think might be more of an issue to handle if they get to you, or they think you're one charming smile away from falling for

you have tried making small talk with a few of them, only for the reaction you get being for them to simply look away and pretend you haven't said anything, to whoever it is scrambling to get away from you

friendly, smiling face at you; dirty, warning side eye when facing away at everyone else

neither Hanma nor Kisaki would touch you either - no no, they can never see you in that kind of light

and neither did you see them as potential romantic partners

so single you remain, even if its against your will - none of your dates ever seem to go right, if they even turn up

Hanma lives for excitement, so drugs and girls seem to be up his alley whenever he ventures out into the night, whereas Kisaki doesn't seem to be the sort to go out of his way to get girls, but no doubt with his position of power there will be those who want to be seen with him and maybe even catch his eyes

so no doubt you would always be crowded around by jealous girls who can't believe that of all people you're the one that seems to always have Kisaki's and Hanma's attention

they won't tolerate any sort of actual malice or slander tossed your way though, and especially not any sort of advance on you though Toman should know better

a general increase in crime can be noted on those nights that they allow you out

p.s. if you read this, thanks for reading to the end! do consider coming to join us on Discord! i'm always there and I love TR

[bonefall]

im rereading the new prophecy (well re-skimming because wow its boring) and every time brambleclaw talks about how much he wants to like. slap squirrelpaw.... he's so nick dunne. someone just needs to gone girl him and maybe then he'll behave.

Idk what Nick Dunne is but I know I am nick DONE with Brambleclaw by the end of TNP

I really cannot stand him and Crowpaw all through TNP, they both frustrate me to no end. Every time I revisit the arc I desperately want both of them to be quiet. The whole thing feels like a story about how Brambleclaw has horrific judgement of other people and should never be given power ever again

Y'know, there's a scene from one of the oft-forgotten app-exclusive scenes that I think is really interesting. "After Sunset, the Right Choice".

This part, where he's talking to Leafpool about being deputy and everything that's to come,

"I can try as hard as I like, but I'll never do anything right," Brambleclaw growled, and Leafpool was startled by the bitterness in his voice. "I will bring nothing but trouble to ThunderClan because I was made deputy when I shouldn't have been. My Clanmates didn't trust me before: Now they will blame me for everything that goes wrong, every drop of blood that is lost. Whatever I do, I will destroy my own Clan from within." The blood roared in Leafpool's ears, and her eyes were dazzled by the red glow of the setting sun as it turned the lake crimson. Brambleclaw's words didn't sound like a threat: They sounded like a prophecy.

It IS a prophecy. A self-fulfilling one. He shouldn't BE deputy and he knows it and he correctly identifies that he will be blamed for what goes wrong in the Clan.

But what he doesn't realize --what he's fundamentally incapable of identifying-- is that this is because he can't trust others, and that makes him UNABLE TO BE trusted in turn.

Unable to accept responsibility but keeping power he knows he should not have, regardless.

The problems he will be 'blamed for' stem from the fact he is NOT a capable leader to begin with. That he constantly PUTS that blame onto other people, usually Squirrelflight, for breaking his horrible decisions. That he lashes out and hurts others whenever he's feeling hurt, acting entitled to the respect his position gives him while bemoaning that it also comes with extra scrutiny.

In the very first sentence, he admits that there isn't a point to trying hard, because he truly believes that the Clan won't even care when he DOES do something right.

I just wish the narrative actually leaned into this and admitted Bramblestar is neither noble, nor honorable.

[eggsploded]

fausto for the ask thing...... the girl herself

butterflaust :)

first impression: you really get the feeling that she fucking hates you. shes rly funny cuz shes the tutorial character but doesnt leave after the prologue. shes here forever, judging dante. i feel in the beginning i skimmed over all the nuance in her dialogue assuming its just wordy for the sake of wordiness.

current impression: faust is soooo... faust. upon replaying the prologue shes way less cold than i first thought, her little c: smile when talking about mephis was saur cute. in fact shes not really cold at all to me, simply operating in a faustly way. you can contextualize what she does as a way to keep herself occupied. not really for some deeper lore sense (because ionno what her deal is) but a bitch needs some stimuli. i think if she was made to do arts and crafts with no larger purpose outside of fun she would explode into blood and gore. it also makes her friendship with yi sang really funny because i wonder if she cares to understand his artsy spech past it being a little clever wordplay. if he made her a drawing she wouldnt know how to compliment it outside of a technical sense. her flavor of arrogance is also so funny to me because its so stupid? like when rodya complimented her and she puffed up and went faust Is cool. the speaking in 3rd person too is funny, knowing she isnt LARPing like don and is very much just Like That. theres alot about herself she either doesnt notice or simply does not want to examine deeply like her mild competitiveness or tendency to manipulate people if it means theyll be less annoying to her. simply the faust of all time

favorite moment: i think the sweetest and funniest thing was realizing her spiel about yi sang not being a genius Unlike Her and believing in more philosophical things unlike her Sensible and Tactile self was an attempt at a COMPLIMENT. i thought she was ripping him to shreds but no she was actually hyping him up a bit in the most clinical way possible

story idea: you know earlier when i said making faust attempt creative expression would cause her to explode into bits? well i want to see it anyway. im forcing her at the kindergarten table of that nasty smelling homemade playdoh and telling her to make a new animal. sinclair made a bear with with wings called a beear. very nice young man.

fav relationships: im enjoying the fandom divide with faust shipping where she is either getting bitches left and right and not giving a fuck to maintain them (because it comes out weird when she tries) or not even being aware of when shes down bad and having the primal part of her brain that tells her to bite and roll around hijack her motherboard. shes being corroded by an insidious EGO called... horny, different to lust, which is Krausts jam. i already wrote a little bit about fausang and i think fausts inability to know how to enjoy things makes them a very sweet duo. in her mind the guy doesnt come a lick close to her own brilliance, but something about how he closes his eyes in understanding speaks more words than compliments do. not to say that faust doesnt like being hyped up. because she does, like all the time. if they were walking she wouldve tripped when rodya called her babe. her greatest flaw is pretending shes above anything, if there was a chance to maul ryoshu she would without pausing. probably so turned on she cant see anything. ishmael too. also outis. hey, whats going on here? my sources tell me due to her ongoing opposites to yi sang she is incapable of a domestic lame marriage the way he is. ishmael is the yuri messiah, but faust is the yuri menace. you know what they are both capable of though? following rodya around enamored because that was the first pet name theyve ever been called and it felt Funny.

fav headcanon: in the newest credits cg for canto 4 i think shes telling vergil she has a tummyache

[omg-im-such-a-masochist]

The Twelve Disciples Ch.3

Summary: Pepper Davis is not unknown to the mob world, she’s well aware of the benefits and dangers of this business, but what she’s about to find out is how dangerous it can be for one to stay in between a brother rivalry.

Pairings: Matt Jackson x OFC Pepper x Nick Jackson

Warnings: +18

Tags: @theworldofotps , @writtingrose , @aerynscrichton , @daddyhausen , @melissahausen , @unoficialy-married-to-ace-austin , @sophiewolfheart-blog , @sultryfandoms , @new-zealand-chic , @crowleysqueenofhell , @thealliasylum , @legit9thlunaticwarrior , @baysexuality , @josiewrites , @seeingstarks , @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch , @whenimakeitshine1234 , @moxkindagirl , @sunshinevirus , @im-just-a-mississippi-girl , @allelitesmut

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

“You’re absolutely insane!” Nick speaks amid laughs “You’re in love with me? You don’t even know me!” He turns around to face the street again, putting the car back into first gear once again and driving into the deserted avenue towards Pepper’s loft.

Matt’s words - that resembled a motherly advice - now echoed in her mind, “If it ever comes to this, dovey. I want you to lie. Lie about your feelings, lie about loving him, about wanting to meet him for years, lie about hating me and wishing you could help him kill me. Do whatever it takes for you to keep your character intact. Lie about everything! Fuck him if you have to, make him believe every single word you say!”

“I do know you!” She began, silently praying her acting skills continue to be as good as they were in her teen years. “I’ve watched you from afar for a few years now. I tried to get to know you but you’ve never seen me. Not the way I see you, at least”.

Nick stopped at the last red light before reaching the loft. Time was not on Pepper’s side and she would have to do the unimaginable to convince him of her words.

She tentatively rested her hand on top of Nick’s hand, her nails traced the thick, warm knuckles. “You always fascinated me. I always wondered what it would be like to be with you, to feel your lips on mine, your hands on my body, waking up next to you, watching you go from boyfriend material to businessman before my eyes, having breakfast with you every morning, listening to your heartbeat in bed at night” Pepper cupped Nick’s jaw, briefly turning his head to face her, and hoping her eyes portray the truthfulness her words didn’t have.

Stormy blue eyes stared back at her, confusion and disbelief poured from them as the most torrid rain from the sky.

“I don’t know what you’re trying to do, Pepper, but I suggest you be very careful right now. Just because one of my policies is to not harm women, doesn’t mean I’m not capable of doing so if they do me wrong” Icicles hung from Nick’s words, their sharpness deadly like an ice pick. This wasn’t an empty threat, this was a verbalized warning from a man capable of doing the most horrid things. Nick had no limits, no conscience, no fear, no values or boundaries that prevented him from doing morally condemned actions.

Of that, Matt had also warned her many times “A man without common principles is dangerous, dovey. That’s why you need to be careful with Nick. The only thing he cares about is his pride, and the minute you hurt it somehow he’ll make you pay for it severely. It doesn’t matter your gender, age, or the feelings you nurture for him. Once you mess with Nick Jackson, he can and will make sure you pay for it in ways that will make you wish you were dead”.

Pepper controlled the shiver that threatened to run down her spine and whispered “Everyone told me it was a mistake to do this. ‘You look like a desperate bitch’ is what they all told me. Why go after a man who won’t love you back? Why risk everything if he doesn’t even know you exist? Why potentially risk your life for a man who is incapable of loving anyone?” Pulling back suddenly, she began to dry up the tears she had managed to spill from her dark chocolate orbs “I’m so fucking stupid” She laughed bitterly “I thought that for once things were going to happen the way I imagined, how fucking naive of me to think that you would ever want something with me” Shaking her head briefly, Pepper opened the passenger door and stepped out to the warm late night breeze. Her heels hit the concrete and echoed through the deserted street like a sledgehammer, she continued to walk towards the loft in an attempt of getting Nick’s attention. Theatrical? Yes. Desperate? Even more, she had officially hit her fight-or-flight mode and this was a pathetic attempt to save her flawed character from seeing the concrete floor at a random alley before eating gunpowder for her last meal.

“Someone forgot to take their medication today” Nick murmured to himself as he stared at the woman walking down the pavement “Psycho bitch”, he quickly tapped a few numbers on his phone screen, and while waiting for the call to connect, Nick continued to stare at her.

“Hey, do a thorough search on Pepper Davis for me. I wanna know everything! Even what she had for dinner last night. Spread the word around and give me the info”

“Ok, sir. I’ll work on-”

“I want that information yesterday, Angelo!” Nick rushed before hanging up. He picked up speed as soon as the lights turned green, and while driving next to her he called “Get in the car, Pepper”

She felt her heart skipping a beat when Nick called for her “It’s fine, we’re close enough. I’ll walk to the loft, you can go”

“I’m not going to let you walk alone at this time of night, angel. Just get in the car”

“It’s fine, Mr. Jackson. I can-”

“Pepper!” Nick squealed the tires and abruptly turned the car to the right, just in time to stop Pepper from crossing the street, “Get in the fucking car, goddamn it!”

Caged between the car and the side block behind her, Pepper had no other choice but to get in the passenger’s seat.

The few minutes' ride to the loft was made beneath an uncomfortable silence. Pepper caught Nick’s eyes lingering a little too long on his phone screen, and she was sure he was waiting for something important about her. Perhaps Nick had asked someone to get info on her, her past, or even if she had any connections to his older brother. The only thing Pepper prayed for is that Matt has been able to spread the word about her ‘feelings’ towards Nick enough for it to reach the important ears already.

Nick’s phone rang from the dashboard and he quickly picked up before the first ring came to an end.

“Yeah?” He stood silent the whole call, only hearing the stern, mumbling male voice on the other end of the line. “Ok, send it to me through email as well. Alright, thank you”. Nick shifted into the driver’s seat, and as soon as they reached the loft area, he drove right past it.

“The lofts are back there” Pepper murmured, commenting on the obvious while her eyes kept a fixed gaze on the man beside her.

“I know” Nick grinned before taking a quick glance at her “We’re going back to my place”

“Is there work waiting for us?” She hesitantly asked, feeling that very same shiver from earlier tonight running down her spine.

When Nick’s only response was to laugh hysterically, Pepper felt a tingling sensation settling at the base of her spine, as if Satan’s scratchy fingernail was warning her of the potential dangers of entering Nick’s mansion tonight.

[silver-wield]

Hmm I get your point now about the "Zack feelings" I really do, so thank you for this! But personally I don't equate it as soldier cloud having feelings 'himself' but that it's just as way to force him to go farther away from tifa. Which we literally have to do in the game, to get her affection stats up. Also, to place that in is to also amplify that CA is never a thing that has it's own entity, it's all built by the illusion of ZA, which aerith is suffering from as well. Only idiots which they are, will be happy for such a lie, and at that point it's easier to just show zack and be done with it. I really don't get the appeal of it, because we have telenovelas where, for example a heart transplant is made and you fell in love with the one who the original owner loves but you love someone else already. In the end, the mc just forces himself to see what's real and like servers his ties with the owner's underlying wishes had he lived. He is not this person and he is only in love with his first love. Aka not real.

You see I'm trying to wrap my head around her resolution scene about something not being real. And I did find a cloti who insisted, that soldier cloud is incapable of falling in love because his affections, his ability to love is locked within the lifestream, that is for tifa only. Now, so whatever romantic feelings he may have, any sort of "falling in love" feeling he may have for her, is not love , but just 'attraction'. So it isn't real. But this is where it becomes weird to me. So soldier cloud cannot love but he can feel attraction? So this is him feeling attraction for aerith... While shamelessly pinning for tifa at the same time? I assume this is for the fans who want to get her hence the "even IF" and not "even THOUGH" because not everyone will favor her after all in they playthrough. But it gives precedent that if jenova, us the players favoured her.. that would mean soldier cloud is capable of being attracted to her in his soldier cloud way without the interference of 'zack', hence still felt by his own feelings but not to the extent of real cloud's?

This doesn't make sense to me because in part 1, it's very evident that he is not attracted to aerith in any shape or form. But it is built up that he is very much so with tifa. So the 'attraction' part just makes me go huh? In this theory. Doesn't paint him in a good light even if it's not his fault, but the player's.

I suppose im just finding a way to see if cloud, despite being forced by the player to do things, will not waver ever. After all affection points show the character chosen's affection for you, but not necessarily the mc himself.

I hope I made sense, I hope I'm not annoying. I've seen some really believe in this cloti's theory and it just sends weird vibes to me, so in short it forces me to just believe that soldier cloud is fickle in nature but this isn't real cloud anyway. Real cloud is loyal to tifa. Hmm... It would be great if this is evidently clear but still it seems as though it hints a disgusting possibility that had cloud been complete and never broken? Maybe he would be attracted to her because he did when he was broken, but it's just that tifa came first so it cannot be. I hate it, so this is why I don't like this theory I keep on seeing. I just don't see cloud have a thing for women who mess with his boundaries as shown with almost all the females in the game. Tifa is the only different one on purpose.

English isn't my first language so saying all of these across was difficult but I hope I made sense. I still think there's more that can expand on this part of soldier cloud in general though. It's pointless for me to find a direct answer for everything now anyway, so I'll just wait. I just don't want 'any implication' that aerith had a chance in any way, because Tifa deserves better than be another choice unlike how cloud is 'the one' for her alone. Strict, I know.. but I don't care.

Okay it's not that soldier Cloud has his own set of separate feelings, it's that Cloud has feelings, but some are neutered by jenova so it's like he gets a diluted version of them. There's also Sephiroth manipulating him for his own purposes, so he's under this constant state of mental assault.

Cloud loves Tifa. It's the core of his entire being. Everything he ever did was to be worthy of her in hopes that she'd fall in love with him. That core can't be removed. We see what happens in OG when Cloud loses Tifa's trust. He pretty much falls apart and goes full black cloak doing Sephiroth's bidding. That's why Seph wants to keep Cloud on edge around Tifa. The less close they are the more control he has, but jenova hates Aerith. She hates cetra because they purify the planet's energy and her goal is to rot it from the inside and use it as a ride to the next planet so she can repeat the process. That's why Aerith has to die from Jenova's pov. But Sephiroth is using Aerith to force Cloud to keep his distance from Tifa because around Aerith he is more distant from his true feelings.

At no point does Aerith stand a chance with Cloud because Cloud's true feelings for Tifa always exist, even if he can't fully reach them all the time. When he's around Tifa he becomes closer to his true self, but he won't be himself until the lifestream scene.

[thecoolerliauditore]

im very sleepy but fuck it ummm. quick and dirty jimmy ecosystem breakdown for you specifically @puppyocto this is very sleepy me writing this is wrong

scott: suffers inherently from The Ecosystem by default by being gay. He chooses to embrace this as kind of. his niche, therefore ridding the threat of being ostracized or humiliated for it. Type to get called gay and start flirting back.

However (possibly because of said ecosystem) his view on romance is extremely idealized and fairy tale-esque. He views Jimmy as someone who can "fill the role" of a partner who can give him the happily ever after ending and is frustrated when jimmy fails to live up to his standards.

In Utena terms Scott is a princess waiting for his prince to come rescue him and give him the happiness he desires from being loved. But when he discovers Jimmy is "incapable" he takes on the prince persona for himself and "keeps Jimmy safe" by taking away Jimmy's agency. This frustrates him, but the "prince" role makes him feel capable and Good so he doesn't complain too much and continues to make Jimmy more and more helpless so that their dynamic can continue.

joel: also suffers inherently from The Ecosystem by being gay except he's NOT gay he's definitely NOT gay which is totally the truth and not his defense mechanism. He overperforms masculinity and always emphasizes his relationship with lizzie for totally normal reasons and not because he's living in fear.

He sees Jimmy as almost this danger to him because he's attracted to him. If Jimmy is a princess to Scott then he's a very stupid seductress to Joel, at least at the start. Joel abuses Jimmy for making him feel things for him and tries to push him away, but at the same time can't keep Jimmy too far because he deeply desires the intimacy and non-judgment he can only get from jimmy. He also made a kid with him that one time I don't really know how to interpret what happened there still.

I also do think jimmy and joel do share a genuinely very close platonic bond so that's always there for when they're not caught up in the hell spiral.

fwhip: honestly I don't actually think fwhip is Super Into Jimmy the way Joel and Scott are. I think he feels some? level of resentment towards jimmy for one reason or another since he constantly seeks to punish him in some way (this is especially bad in esmp2) and the "romantic gestures" (see: forcefully kissing him, stalking him, making a serial killer shrine dedicated to him) feel more like they're in line with that than any genuine interest.

I'm willing to believe he is attracted to men and just very confused about it and acting out some of that frustration onto Jimmy I just don't think he's too into Jimmy past using romantic gestures to humiliate/punish and fitting in socially (I've noticed he's usually at his worst when in public, his one on one interactions with Jimmy are usually. fairly chill)

sausage: I don't really know if I can talk about him I actually went on a giant binge once of his videos trying to figure out what he is to me and I couldn't do it. He is definitely interested in Jimmy sexually is all I've gathered definitively.

He's also very. odd about gay relationships if we're talking story. Obviously this is more or less just the CC baiting for fan interactions but a lot of the times he mentions gay relationships are through a frame of humiliation or spectacle. See: him claiming bdubs kissed him during the crossover but also said he "only does that for etho" or when he put on a play in the sos talent show mog hosted where the joke seemed to just be. Joel and Etho's whole thing. And ofc how he treats jimmy just in general.

of course he's. very gay too in this context so idk maybe there's some depth there to be dug up.

grian: honestly kind of a tough one because he exists just on the verge of the ecosystem to me. Homophobic grian is the funniest thing in the world to me but also kinda canon, but homophobic in a very different way compared to Sausage where he doesn't find any humour from it.

Even when he admonished jimmy and joel for kissing in RL his tone is more. "think of the consequences" than anything else.

To me grian is kind of like. a fucked up little animal who protects himself by disengaging with all of it. He refuses to let himself be vulnerable for others and at the same time clings onto those who can give him comfort. I don't think he's really into jimmy though so. shrugs.

I think I'll talk about this more in that essay I'm planning to write but grians someone who bends the rules just enough to protect himself, but still plays the game and believes you can only survive by playing the game. He looks down on jimmy for not being good enough at that (e.g. southlanders) but at the same time is sympathetic towards him.

martyn: oh this bitchass um. also kinda exists on the outskirts of it. like joel he overperforms masculinity but I think it's much less because of insecurity and more because that's what he takes pride in playing the role for (which is also rooted in insecurity but. whatever. sleepy)

he sees himself as a protector/provider more than anything else and gets frustrated when that role is denied from him, such as in third life with jimmy, because when he can't do that he's forced to confront his insecurities and he very much doesn't want to do that. I don't think he's? attracted to jimmy as much as he just wants to keep him safe but. sigmund freud's face flashes in front of my eyes killing me instantly.

[bnjmin]

fandom discourse surrounding canon ben: well obviously ppl would try to romanticize everything around his drug habits (i do too but im allowed to bc i'm his stepmother). so much bobby discourse that i simply cannot IMAGINE and many, many au's where bobby is alive (once again, same). everyone mistaking ben's tendency toward cynicism and apathy for Toxic Male Dominant Energy when in reality he's just a curly haired little guy who needs a hug and to not be treated like he's an infant and incapable of being independent. he's very capable. trying to dissect the steele family dynamic wayyy too hard. objectifying his bubble butt (as they should). copious amount of gifsets of him looking grumpy when ppl are talking. i could go on forever and will some other time, tysm for coming 2 my ted talk

ben's stepmother just know that i owe you my life and i'm sorry for what you're about to witness under the cut

oh the drug stuff would be so bad it would be horrid (as he's my ip i would never let this happen but in the case of him being in Other Hands i just know they would show him using and being fucked up but never actually the conseqences of it. there are plenty: he has to cope with the fact that there is about two years of his life that he just doesn't remember, his family is so important to him and it takes years after the fact to repair that relationship, he does stupid shit irt bobby/his memory (like wanting his parents to throw out all of bobby's shit, getting viscerally angry when they talk about him/have pictures of him, it's generally very ugly)) he develops a heart condition, he still and will forever struggle with addiction just at things that have a lesser (?) side effect, like caffeine and nicotine and his alcohol use persists until he's able to be completely sober in his late thirties/early forties which is also trial and error for like five years before it really sticks. i almost want to tag this as a spoiler LMAO but he's either going to die from heart condition complications (think mid-late fifties) or a relapse (late-fourties/early fifties) and that shit isn't cute or fun is it

god, the bobby discourse. i have bobby discourse with myself because on the one hand, bobby was kind of a piece of shit while he was struggling with his addiction (which is when most of ben's really formative memories are with him) and he technically never gets to redeem himself because he dies. bobby as a person, regardless of addictive tendencies, is really very selfish. and not in the way that ben is - where ben will just remove himself from situations that he doesn't want to be in with no warning or care - but in the way that he will weigh the options of fucking someone over and getting what he wants and he will choose to get what he wants. i think if he did live and got his act together, he could pay some penance for what he did to not only ben but again the entire family during his addiction (i imagine he stole a lot of things from them for drug money which is...well) but he still would always be the big brother than ben kind of has to babysit and take care of and that's...not fair to ben. ben loves him regardless, a little blindly and reverently, but as a third party observer obviously that is not great.

ben's first introductions of him being snappy and moody and everyone diagnosing him with toxic masculinity (which he's not completely innocent of it, just look at how he feels regarding his height/weight gain after stopping coke) and typical manhood when really he's the most submissive man you've probably ever met. he does have some pleasant qualities! and i resent the fact that there have been people that have tried to push him into this mold of generic and bland mysterious man when it's like. no. he's not cool enough for that and you need to recognize what a loser he is. and you're so RIGHT about not being treated like and infant/giving him independence i've never thought about that but i'm sure that's such a big part of why it takes such a long time for the family dynamics to go back to normal when he starts getting clean. everyone is handling him with kid gloves like one small incident is going to make him fall headfirst into a line, but that kind of distrust in a way makes it harder for him to stay sober.

steele family dynamic is a fucking. it's a mess but it's a loving mess but it's also a messy mess. steele family dynamics needs its own post probably.

objectification: good. the objectification that would lead to him likely being shipped with a poorly written character that everyone can just project themselves onto: bad.

gifset with 4k notes: ben making The Facetm

[skrunglebeasts]

Hello. I saw your twitter posts about Amphibia, and love the way you give Anne the same attention other people give Sasharcy. I've been interested in writing a S3B fic starring Anne/Sasha as co-commanders, and I was wondering how to write this in a way that displays them both being capable and not making Anne the "weaker/dumber" of the pair I feel like a lot of the fandom does. Namely, how would you differentiate Anne in combat /leadership from Sasha in ways that don't involve her powers?

hi! im going to throw all this under a cut so i dont stretch peoples dashes by overanalyzing a kids cartoon

so first and foremost, in order to be able to write anything decent, you have to come to grips with one of the major problems of S3B: anne is nerfed!

her intelligence, her strength, her ability to think on her feet? they all take a hit so sasha can shine and result in anne being kind of a weenie in comparison. this is the same girl that led a raid on a government facility, got caught, still managed to wiggle herself out of the situation, and beat up a bunch of government agents with a plastic toy sword. AND THEN she uses her powers with incredible precision and ease, barely showing any signs of fatigue after scaring off armed soldiers and slicing an avocado with a thought. she doesnt even go full blue! this is just using the powers enough that her eyes light up

shes powerful, confident, and extremely capable all on her own and then commander anne went "actually ignore that, shes a doofus that needs to be rescued a lot and has no idea how to lead people. also she cant use her powers on command at all" once you reconcile that, then you can decide whether to stick to canon anne, which is possible! or write your own version of s3bs events

both of these are okay options. i cant give you much advice on writing your own version of things, because thats up to you. but i can say that just because im not a fan of anne being nerfed in s3b? doesnt mean that it doesnt make for compelling writing possibilities

her being put back in her stinky school uniform is unforgivable, though. its very sweet, its cool she realized who she is in the uniform, but come on. her s3a fit is so much more fun and its an outfit she chooses as opposed to getting stuck in it but whatever WHATEVER

despite my complaints, s3b anne isnt actually dumb or weak or incapable, its just that theres only so much storytelling you can fit into a silly cartoon told in 12 minute episodes.

but what you can take away from commander anne is tgat anne is tired from running herself ragged to get the plantars back to amphibia and shes reeling from seeing this place that was her home for a few months be absolutely destroyed

real quick aside, anne never sees a restored amphibia or a fixed wartwood, so thats fun

theres also the angle of anne backsliding a bit into old behavior now that shes around a sasha that reminds her of the actual heroic girl she was immediately amazed by as a child. and that means she also...might think sasha is the only suitable leader or hero. this can lead to an interesting bit of conflict between anne and sasha where anne has to catch herself or have it be pointed out to her that shes not really helping sasha by putting all the decision making on her

which leads into how shes a different leader and a different fighter! anne isnt a tactician. shes impulsive and hot headed and that seeps into what she does. she cant guide an entire army, but she can offer perspective (when she convinces sasha shes improved and convinces tritonio to fight against andrias), she understands how various interpersonal relationships work (improving morale by suggesting a pinata party, knowing that sprig and grime DO NOT get along), and shes very good at offering solutions or ideas to help with problems theyre facing (shes the one that suggests they use the war of the warlocks as a battle strategy) shes also capable of spotting weaknesses and as spontaneous as she is, this works in her favor because anne is an unpredictable monster in a fight. she jumps, she swings wildly but with purpose, she puts her whole force into everything shes doing shes also just as strong and athletic as sasha and she has absolutely zero attachment to her weapons. while sasha keeps using the same swords, anne will use anything at her disposal to win a fight. you can see this in what is the closest thing to her signature technique: throwing her sword thats funny. its just funny. she throws things a lot, but you can kind of see the logic behind her doing this. who the hell throws their sword in a fight??? its literally the worse thing you can do. youre disarming yourself, youre creating a massive opening on yourself, and youre wasting time so you have to collect your weapon again. but she makes it work because she doesnt waste time when she does this. its always a step in what shes going to do immediately after. her goal isnt to do the smart thing, its to do the thing that will give her a shot at hitting her opponent because theyre thrown off by her tossing her own damn weapon. its silly, its ridiculous, but somehow she makes it work and she even does this in the fight against andrias to amazing effect also, keep in mind that annes way of looking at things from a different angle and with a sense of compassion is what wins them the war. sasha wasnt winning against andrias before anne showed up because anne provides an angle and a perspective that sashas just not built for theyre co-captains. theyre partners! and theres a very good reason that sasha couldnt make any progress without anne around. sashas the planner. annes the one getting everyone to believe the plan is worth it

[cactusringed]

IM asking you to ramble about bg3 au and autism blast everywhere. and makeout and how sexy and funny you are.

I love you both so much our wedding is coming soon

Anyway OK listen. Listen to me okay Bg3 refers to baldurs gate 3 and for all you need to know it's a dnd video game where the characters get infected with literal brain worms which should have turned them into murderous cultists, but somehow they got spared that fate, and come together to get rid of their brain worms

The party is made of

Grian: a gnome druid whose preferred wild shape is a bird and who might have some hidden aasimar origins because Grian HAS to be God's favorite princess all the time

Scar: an elf ranger who was torn away from his family when he was kidnapped by illithids, and whose closest bro Cub (a warlock who's made a pact with archfaes) was also infected but sadly was turned into a cultist. Scar is desperately looking for him.

Scott: a tiefling bard/sorcerer who does most of the group's talking with npcs both due to his travels making him the more knowledgeable of the group about the region but also because as a bard you can do wild shit like just convince really powerful entities to just kill themselves for fun and that's a very Scott thing to do

Mumbo: a half drow artificer who tbh is the most normal of the group (as far as everyone knows anyway)

Jimmy: half aarakocra (bird :D) vampire cringefail rogue who. Well yeah he's a stand in for astarion me and my friend just wanted a cringefail vampire with negative charisma ok

Joel: A half elf barbarian who has a little secret. The secret is that he's a murderous bastard. But like in the most literal sense of the word

Joel's role specifically has me so mentally ill. Okay. So like. You need a teensy bit of lore for this ok and this will include spoilers for baldy gate 3 if the 2.5 people who read this far intend to play the viddy game well stop reading but still kiss me on the mouth.

So the Lore has many gods and the gods are just real tangible all powerful beings. Much like with Greek mythos, you following a specific god isn't because you only believe in that God, but because you're most devoted to them. Well that's how I see it anyway. And there are three gods associated with death and evil (it's more complicated than that in my hc but we don't have time). One of them is Bhaal. And Bhaal, get this, is the most metal fucking fictional god I've seen because he's the god of MURDER.

Something something he had to give birth to people called Bhaalspawn for some reason who are his direct children and carry a piece of him within them or something (Bg/dnd superfans don't come at me) and it's all part of his grand plan to take over the world. WHATEVER

But Joel IS a bhaalspawn. And he was Bhaal's specialest most favorite bhaalspawn. And now, okay, the thing about bhaalspawns is that they're not actually inherently evil, but they do carry that part of Bhaal within them - his will, and his potential for power. Some Bhaalspawn are raised specifically to be daddy's best little murderers and of course that's how Joel was brought up.

He was examplary because he was trained to be. He was capable of some of the most rancid bloodshed because it was what he was taught, and rewarded for. He was created to be murder incarnate, so any other emotions (love, empathy, etc) were shunned until Joel was either incapable of it, or refused to show it.

Except something happened. He got betrayed, usurped, and infected with the aforementioned brainworms which led to his memory loss. What did remain, even as he escaped the ship keeping him captive, even as he joined up with other infected survivors, was... A primal need. Like it was coded in his DNA, like it was in his blood itself: he had a need to kill. Not just kill, but spread misery, spread pain, and acquire power at any cost. He mostly unleashes those urges onto his enemies, but it never feels like enough. Like a scratch he can't quite itch. Of course, that's all Bhaal trying to reel him back in, Bhaal trying to reclaim him.

But like clockwork - because such ingrained training doesn't go away no matter how much one thinks they forgot - he finds himself relishing in it. In the violence of it all. The only time he feels truly alive is when he's covered in blood and gut.

... That is, until he finds himself growing closer and closer to Jimmy. After a night where Jimmy, desperately trying to hide his very obvious identity as a vampire but also desperately hungry, tries to feed off of Joel, and reveals his secret... Well, Joel had all rights to kill him right then and there. He reasons that there's no fun in killing someone so helpless but in truth there's something a bit charming about Jimmy. He's earnest, and he's just so... Not exactly innocent, but also sort of? He gives Joel to urge to protect him. To hold him so tight and close as to choke him. But in a sweet way. Probably.

Joel won't be able to put it into words for a long while yet, half because he refuses to let himself feel such things because he's so horrifically repressed. He was the only one at camp who didn't even guess Jimmy was a vampire before the big reveal because he's got negative int and wis (his strategy in battle is just hit things hard before they can hit you and honestly it works most of the time) so he'd just never noticed the obvious signs. Anyway. Because his blood is the tastiest and somehow he's one of the companions who acts the least weird about it, which really says a lot, Jimmy ends up mostly feeding off of him. And, well, something about letting your homie regularly suck blood out of your neck is bound to lead to something more. Joel becomes a bit possessive of his little birdie.

When Joel learns that he's Bhaal's special little princess, in truth he's fucking elated, because he spends weeks torturing himself in an attempt to remember who he is, what he's doing, what's wrong with him - and he's finally afforded answers. He leans fully into it. He's so happy to serve his God with bloodshed.

Until he's faced with him. With Bhaal. And after Joel committed countless atrocities (which the rest of their group didn't mind that much as lokgi as they stayed in the clear. They're all bad people) bhaal asks him to shed one last bit of blood before receiving his blessing, before becoming his chosen, he who will enact the murder God's plans. He needs to get rid of his pesky earthly desires and affections. They have no place within murder incarnate. He asks Joel to flat out kill Jimmy or die right here and then.

You'd think Joel would hesitate with how intensely pro-Bhaal he is. You'd think it would be a difficult decision. Jimmy would have thought too. Except that Joel's response is instant and intense. He tells Bhaal to go literally fuck himself, that he'd rather kill every last Bhaalspawn and make sure his bloodline ends with him, rather than lay a finger on Jimmy. Jimmy, whose helped his heavy heart feel so light and free. Jimmy, who makes him feel true warmth. Jimmy, who makes Joel want to appreciate every sunset, every breeze, every breath of fresh air. Jimmy, who treats Joel as so much more than a bloodthirsty beast.

Joel never thought he would want to be anything more than a bloodthirsty beast.

So of course Bhaal kills him because he's literally a god. Right in front of Jimmy. (there's plot and dnd magic that brings him back but it's definitely the culmination of his arc; that Joel, groomed to become murder incarnate, was given an opportunity to find another meaning to his life)

Also they have CRAZY sex

[two-sides-samecoin]

okay regarding your latest (i think) post that i just reblogged:

why are we completely incapable of sympathizing with s1 steve harrington as a whole? idk its just so bizarre to me. we can sympathize with nancy despite her flaws, jonathan despite the whole camera scene, etc, but when it comes to steve harrington people get SO much shit for feeling bad for him.

i have so many thoughts on this in particular because its always in my head (forever a steve harrington never did anything wrong truther here!!) but also. not to be insane or get too personal here but i quite literally went through an experience SO similar to the bathroom scene at the halloween party that its kind of insane (like. a very bad fight that was basically relationship ending, etc) and. i do not think a lot of people are capable of basic empathy at this point (which, i get it, maybe its not so serious because these are fictional characters but still!!) especially given the narrative of stranger things. like i understand how both of them feel in this moment, because its stressful for nancy and i think she misunderstands steve's actions and he doesn't really know that she's so distraught, but also. to everyone who thinks it wasnt that bad or that he deserved that, from experience i can say being called bullshit by someone you genuinely love is NOT fun 😭

literally everything you said in the first paragraph! also like it’s wild how much people are like ‘i wanted him to die in season 1’ like wonderful you wanted a 17 year old to die cuz he made mistakes and then immediately felt bad and went to fixing those mistakes? like congrats or something yet people constantly hound on you if you don’t feel sympathy for nancy and jonathan in season 1.

god i’m so sorry you went through what steve went through. i’m giving you so many hugs right now 🫂🫂🫂 and so much love ❤️ but yeah like it’s kind of insane to me how some nancy stan’s just can’t understand that we’re not villainfying her instead we’re just emotional about our comfort character being told by someone who genuinely thought he loved him and continuously said those words that she never did love him and she thinks he’s part of the reason barb was murdered. like apparently empathy/sympathy can only extend to nancy now for some reason because we’re always being told to see nancy’s perspective and blah blah blah think about how sad she is like yes i do get that! i am sympathetic about it but being told all the time that i should be empathetic about it just makes me overwhelmed and not want to feel empathy anymore cuz the word is just being shoved in my face. meanwhile you’re like ‘listen just think about how steve feels’ and you immediately get shat on and shut down on like girl it’s just major hypocrisy and bias at this point.

im sending lots of hugs and love ❤️

[prtfrmhrtbrn]

im ill and incapable of real genuine human thought so im just going to talk about one of my favourite drafts that im working on and its this

-regulus & evan fake dating, ft aromantic regulus, endgame rosewater qpp AND endgame rosekiller.

-yeah im hitting evan with the polyamory beam. ITS CALLED PROJECTING!!

anyway its one of my favourite things in my google docs. some fun facts about it:

•barty & evan BOTH already like each other. evan also knows barty likes him back but thinks hes too much of a coward to say anything and his first thought is “okay, i’ll fake date somebody about this”

•oh and also regulus is just like “i mean alright i guess”

•regulus tells barty immediately. hes like “honest to god get your shit together” and barty is like “literally why would you do this” and regulus is like “i thought it would be funny”:

•you guys are all ALWAYS forgetting that if sirius pretty much raised regulus HES GOING TO ACT LIKE A TWAT SOMETIMES i love regulus being an absolute menace

•qpr. thats all i need to say. as a member of a qpr it is one of my all time favourite relationships in my life and i think not enough people write them. i ALSO think not enough people write aro characters as capable of emotion!! 90% of the time (in my experience!!) theyre just aro because the author couldnt think of a pairing for them and they felt bad. so anyway i changed that for this fic. and also in like… 3 other fics in my drafts. i love being in a qpr im in a qpr hey did i mention im in a qpr this post goes out to my beloved partner even though they will never see it

•sirius. sirius. sirius. i dont know WHAT it is about the black brothers but every single time i write ANY fic with either of them in they end up talking to each other. i cant stop them. im just writing and they say “we want to reconcile” and i say “that wasnt one of my plot points…?” but its too late! theyre already talking!

•regulus being SUPREMELY confused when he realises he likes evan <3 with the focus on the fact that he can still like him without it being romantic!! he has no idea what a qpr is but he’ll get there

•regulus GOES TO SIRIUS FOR HELP!! and sirius is like “ok i will help you” and regulus is like “what why” and sirius is like “do you want help or not tbh”

•but also regulus is like “ok so i have a fake boyfriend” and sirius is like “you fucking what”:

•the segment with sirius features a LOT of complaints from regulus (that part is his pov! it changes throughout between barty, reg & evan though) about the red of the gryffindor dorms. he is so upset by them:

•barty immediately notices when regulus accidentally catches feelings. hes like “…you thought this would be funny but it went like normal fake dating didnt it” and regulus gives him a very sad looking nod and says “i wont stop you dating him i still dont know what it is” and barty is like “getting over evan is too much work and id know, if he wants us both he can bloody well just have us both”

•spoiler alert for the fact that he does <3

-anyway. not much of this is written but i just wanted to talk about it! my dear best friend and the platonic loml is anti reg/evan (she could never get me) so… tumblr has to hear about it instead!

-oh also my fake dating experience is based in a little too much truth about my life (i did it) (its how i got with my partner) so! you know. you can trust the authenticity?

-thats all. i needed to get this out of my SYSTEM but it might end up on ao3 <3 anyways if youre a rosewater-er my ao3 is SUCH a safe place for you. my marauders pseud is hellenistic & my main is apartfromheartburn (but dont go there because its all anime fics i wrote 3 years ago) so my marauders fics can as such be found under hellenistic (apartfromheartburn). id link them but also i have a headache that will kill me if i stare at my phone acreen any longer so! thats not happening. end of this post! bye bye <3

[wintersoldierbmb]

thursday june 6 i feel like a useless person.

im not depressed and haven’t been for like a year now but i can feel it creeping back in. family drama somehow found a way to me and without saying too much i don’t know who to trust anymore. people really don’t care about me as much as they lie and say they do.

on another note I’m just not motivated to do anything anymore. i wish i could just die. i don’t want to be useless. even though i am in college and stuff i still feel like my life is going to go nowhere and i’ll just be another person existing, taking up everyone else’s oxygen for no reason. i don’t deserve to live if i can’t be useful. i feel like i am incapable of doing the simplest of tasks and that makes me feel like i have no future. i wish someone would get rid of me so i don’t have to kill myself. i wish i didn’t have ADHD. i wish my mind wasn’t on a trillion things at once all the time. i wish i was easy for people to understand. i wish the smallest ripples in how i feel in a moment didn’t have the potential to make my whole day crash and burn. i really wish i was rich, and if not rich then at least normal so that i could be a functioning member of society and be able to get a job or something. i wish i had my own house but i will probably never get one because i can’t save money for the life of me. music isn’t working even though I’ve been consistently doing that since i was born (literally) so there’s another goal in the trash. i have been wasting my time with everything i try to pursue. i should just die.

i’m 19 years old and the only asset i have is the fact that i’m in college. i passed my summer one classes (i think) and i can’t even celebrate it. i can’t bring myself to be happy about that achievement. all i can do is thank God and move on. internally i’m not happy or proud of myself. even now i want to drop out. i am my biggest enemy. i’m not capable of doing things everyone else has learned to do when they were 15, 16, 17 in high school. i don’t think i have an interesting future or even a good one at all. i will die with regrets on how i lived my life. if i grow old, it will be into a life of regret of how lame i was as a youth, and how i didn’t choose to do what everyone else did. my perception on life is very skewed, but i don’t even know how to look at life anymore. i spent so much time being high and under the influence in the past few years that it was the only reality i could function in. now i’m trying to be sober again and not depend on weed to make me a normal person and the only thing it is doing is making me feel like shit inside. my self worth is only high on one day out of the week (probably because i was high that day) and for the rest of the week i feel worthless. if i killed myself i wouldn’t hurt a lot of people except for MAYBE my mom and i don’t want to do that to her.

i feel like something is wrong with me or that i am mentally retarded. everyone else seems to have the necessary brainpower to do everything they need to in life, but here i am being slow in mine. i try every day to improve my work ethic and attitude about living, but my insecurities overwhelm me. all i can think about is how dumb i feel. i feel like a stupid person. i am not intelligent or as intelligent as people make me out to be. if i was in any situation worse than i have been in in my life i probably wouldn’t make it. i thank God every day for always giving me another chance, but i feel sad because i feel like i’m wasting it. He is too merciful to someone who cannot make anything for himself. music is all i have to offer anymore. nothing about me is special or different enough for me to get recognized for. i don’t even feel like a real person anymore. i feel like i’m nobody. i should die soon and quit wasting everyone’s time, but i’m too scared to do it to myself. drugs are the only thing that “restore” me, but thats how you end up being a fucking junkie. i will never be a junkie. i’m hoping one of these days i overdose or get a bad batch of some weed or tale a strange pill or get spiked and die from it. i don’t want torture or deserve a long painful death as i haven’t done anything to earn that. the only thing that i need to do is die. quickly

[iamyelling]

what’s the point in telling someone who doesn’t care about me, “i would appreciate if ____” or “i don’t appreciate when _____”. when she doesn’t care at all it just goes completely over her head. why tell her how i feel, talk about my feelings, what’s going on with me, why something is stressful or giving me difficulty, when she doesn’t care.

relationship advice is based on communicating your experiences and perspectives so that the other person realizes how it is for the other person and can adjust accordingly. but that is based upon the other person CARING. not even getting in to agreeing about those experiences and feelings, and what to do about it. it operates on an assumption that the other person cares about how you feel and wants to make you feel good and avoid feeling bad.

so yeah she has expressed that she wants things to be better. but! here’s the thing. her conception of “things can be better” is extremely simplistic. like. on the base level of just .. “there are fights and i don’t want them” and she sees the source of the conflicts to be ME. everything is caused by me just creating problems. if i just calmed down everything would be fine.

this has the convenience of alleviating her of all responsibility of listening to me and caring about me or really caring about anything at all.

so when i say, what should be a very serious and heavy meaningful phrase like, “i really don’t appreciate when you do X, and i am happy explain why if you want or are interested” it means nothing to her and she just reacts like im creating strife for no reason other than im dramatic and like causing issues and ruining a good day. its like a meaningless nonsense phrase to her, when i say it.

this renders me incapable of expressing much of anything to her.

it also resulted in my efforts towards vulnerability, explaining anything (from my feelings to just how something worked to what happened) extremely painful. because it’s like . asking an alligator for a hug. it doesn’t know what hugs are, doesn’t feel emotions the way i do, it doesn’t even occur to it to think about or care about how i feel, and isn’t even capable of a hug even if it did!

[anunnamedhero]

A THING ABOUT ENCHANTMENTS,

ENDRIAN, is the language everyone calls the strange symbols etched from enchantment tables and whatever botched version of speaking endermen are capable of.

The word ‘ender’ is used to describe anyone and those that have ‘end’ or ‘endborn’ origins, however while it isnt wrong its like when christopher columbus called the native people indians (💀 this is the best analogy i can think of).

The lost name for the dead language is referred to as ‘abyssal’. The beings that inhabit the end or any ‘endborns’ are accurately referred to as ‘abyssals’. People just call them ‘endermen’ or ‘endborns’ bc noone really knew or knows much about the end, because endermen arent exactly capable of sentient speech or thought and any enchanters left likely havent lived in the end for generations and thus know nothing about it.

In the VAILLAN (‘vanilla’ anagram, haha minecraft get it i love minecraft) universe, normal people arent capable of being able to use enchantment tables the same way anyone in the game can. Only people with abyssal ichor, or endborn blood in them have the uncanny ability to forge whats known as ‘enchantments’, which are like physical commands of magic weaved into words on anything—like clothing or weapons.

The concept of ‘MAGIC’ in this universe doesnt exist, or not entirely withoit reason.

MEZMUR is a supernatural energy that inhabits the negative space in everything that breathes or exists. The eons gift to their creations was the ability to command the mezmur to do certain things, (or yada yada, wield magic.)

[im a huge nerd of alchemy, and its a very integral part of this entire universe :) the way mezmur works is akin to alchemy in alot of ways]

The enchanters are a civilization of end-borns of whom all possess the gift of enchanting from their goddess pandora who fawned over humanity too much and spoiled them rotten with abilities and gifts.

The gift of enchanting was beyond powerful—a mortal being able to make coats that can make the bearer feel the summer sun in the harshest winters or craft swords that cut through the skins of gods.

The enchanters were a huge problem for people who cared about the hierarchy.

The first enderdragon—Kho’er grew angry and bitter with pandoras attention being taken up by pathetic mortals, upset that shed give them such a gift that he thought should only be for him. In a fury, Kh’oer began to turn said enchanters into endermen, cursing them to a terrifying and mutated fate for eternity.

Enderdragons after kh’oer would continue in his footsteps until all but only two enchanters would be left forever—which would be the twin daughters of Aerin, Eirene and Lumen. Lumen of whom, would later be entranced by the prophecies and stories of the ender dragon and fall victim to heros hauntings and willingly let him into her body and die horrifically for him to possess her corpse, and Eirene who will be the last enchanter to ever live and lead the Court Of Swords in their mission to rid the Deep Dark and eradicate heros tyranny for revenge and the greater good.

[2] when hero loses his dragon form permanently and is bound to a human vessel eternally, he is incapable of speaking in endrian anymore and sometimes feels bitter about it.

-i dont draw it on hero enough, but his clothes are always littered with enchantments meant to kept his powers bound and maintained as much as possible, but even still hes strong enough to obliterate mountains. Acarion wears a ribbon on their arm covered enchantments as well so they can control the strange visions and discomforting abilities they gained when killing hero the first time. The ribbon was actually worn by hero when they were younger, the ribbon hand tailored for hero so the voices in his head would quiet out. Acarion wore it every day and still up to the point when they reunite with hero.