#not only for one that two people holding the same goddamn RP went: It’s not romantic and the other just went 🤨🕶️ it’s not

[aro-throughyourchest]

Tntblr, can we once again talk about how fucking funny it is that ccWilbur said, “psycho-competitive” and said it can be construed as romantic even when it’s not viewed as such and then CCQUACKITY comes out on his private twitter says, “there was nothing wrong with that question,” that’s the last we hear of it until the next fucking Twitchcon several months later when Quackity:

“Wilbur shut that down last convention 🤷‍♂️”

And the crowd roars

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #403

“ashes to ashes, watch me disappear”

If given the opportunity, would you like to star in a musical? Definitely not. I don't like musicals. Name one person you’d take a bullet for: There's honestly a lot, but Mom immediately came to mind. Any posters of a band on your bedroom wall? Yeah: Metallica and Marilyn Manson currently. I want lots more, especially an Ozzy one. Do you think you’ve already met your soulmate? I don't believe in soulmates. Do you share your bedroom with anyone? No, unless you include my cat and snake. Is your favorite color yellow? No, it's actually one of my least favorites. Were you born in a hospital? I was. Do you know the name of the person that delivered you? No, but Mom does. I think he delivered me and my two sisters, and I know Mom has seen him since for other reasons. Was your birth recorded? God no. Good call, Mom. Did you eat a peach this week? Would you believe me if I told you I had a small bit of peach pie for my sister's birthday? For some reason, I just really wanted to try some. It was okay, but the aftertaste sucked. Are you leaving the house tomorrow? Yes, for TMS therapy. Every weekday. Do you enjoy romantic movies, even when they’re cliche? I honestly do. If you could get free vocal lessons would you take them? Probably not. I don't like singing in front of anyone, and it's not like I wanna get anywhere with my singing, so. Is your mother diabetic? She is. Are you? No. Ever sang someone to sleep? No. Who do you stalk the most through Facebook? Nobody. Have you ever deleted your Facebook, then brought it back? No. What is your main responsibility each day? Be sure to take my medications. Do you feel like you fulfill those responsibilities? Yeah. There are rare mornings where I forget, but I almost always remember. I don't fw skipping out on meds that keep my mental health stable. When was the last time you used spray paint? Good question. Do you know the middle name of the last person you kissed? Yep. Who is the friendliest person you know? My mom, probably. Something that annoys you about summer: THE HEAT. THE HUMIDITY. UGH. Something that annoys you about winter: Hm. That's hard to say, given I love winter. I guess the fact it doesn't snow enough here. Are the doors of your fridge side by side or on top of one another? Side-by-side. If you’ve moved out of the house you were born in, do you know the people who live in that house now? Nope. Have you ever cried in a movie theater? Not sobbed or anything, but I've definitely teared up and gotten the sniffles because of multiple movies. Do you read comic books? No. Do you force your way into conversations in which you are not involved? No. Have you ever seriously pretended to be clinically insane? I didn't need to pretend; I'm pretty damn sure I was for a while. Might I add that it's EXTREMELY inconsiderate to pretend you're insane, btw. Insanity is not "cool." It's not "funny." It's not "edgy." It's a serious, confusing, heart-wrenching issue that can ruin lives. Do you know anyone with a stutter? Yes, myself included when I'm even mildly nervous. And sometimes just randomly. With a lisp? I don't believe so. What was the last board game you played? The Disney version of "Pretty Pretty Princess" w/ my niece and even my nephew, even though his sexist-ass dad didn't want him to. Like let your kid have some fun with his sister and aunt, goddamn. They had a blast. It was Aubree's birthday present from me, so I am SO glad she loved it. Did you win? Ha ha, no, I always let Aubree or Ryder win. I came super close once, but I let the kids bend the rules a bit. They don't like losing, and even though they definitely need to understand that just happens and is totally fine for it to, I wasn't about to be the one to make them sad about it. When was the last time you tried to speak with an accent? OH MY LAAAAAWWWWWWD. Also at Aubree's b-day party, at one point, I spoke in a snobbish British accent while I was winning at the aforementioned game. Ryder asked, "Why are you speaking Spanish?", and I fuckin DIED. Have you ever made up a word before? Yeah, I know at least a few instances for fantasy animals in writing. When was the last time you went to a museum? A couple summers ago when my brother and his son visited, we went to a science museum. My nephew was sooooo into it. Do you have a nice yard? If so, do you spend a lot of time outside in it? If not, where do you go when you want to relax outdoors on nice days? Our front and back yards are both small and honestly very boring. The grass is a pretty green, but that's the only nice thing about it. I don't go to sit outside here on any day. Do your parents enjoy any of the things that you enjoy? Do you bond over these things? My parents and I have very similar music tastes, so there's that. I also didn't know for the longest time that Mom likes to write, which I sure as hell do, too! She doesn't really write anymore though, and she's self-conscious of it anyway, like I am. She and I also love a lot of the same shows. What is the movie that you have waited the longest for/which film do you remember anticipating the most/are still anticipating? I think The Incredibles 2. I aaaalways wanted to know what happened after the end of the first film. Do you have any ideas for a story or movie you’re planning to write or you’d write if you had the time/had the talent? Please share a synopsis! I genuinely think some RP I've written is series-worthy, but I don't feel like re-writing the YEARS of RP into a book format, and I sincerely worry that the ridiculously dark parts could inspire people like serial killers and cause A LOT of controversy, crime-blaming, and just general hate. I don't want to be involved in that. What is something that an interested guy/girl could comment about you, that would make you instantly open to them (e.g., “That book you’re reading is from my favorite author”)? Compliment my Markiplier tattoo, obviously knowing it's a tribute to him, and we're essentially besties. Is there a person in your life (maybe barely) that you feel in constant competition with (even just in your imagination)? Maybe you feel they are consistently outshining you? Ugh... there's a local photographer that's much more successful than I am that I admittedly am very envious of. I swear to whatever god you may believe in that I mean it from a modest perspective, I really, really do, but I genuinely think my skills surpasses hers, and she's only more prevalent because photography REALLY is about who you know. She's talented, yes, but like... come on. If you are single, even if you are normally happily single, are there certain specific things you witness that make you wish you were in a relationship (e.g., people getting engaged)? I mean yeah. I miss cuddling, holding hands, kissing, just being cute together, and especially people getting engaged or having kids. It's such a trigger to me. Once upon a time, that's all I wanted with Jason. I wanted to be that beautiful couple that got married and had two or three loved-beyond-words children, but then he left so abruptly, and I feel like it was so brutally robbed from me. I don't want kids anymore like at all, but the point still stands that I felt like my dreams were just ripped away. Out of all your usernames for websites, which one is your favorite? Do you use it for more than one site? I use "Ozzkat" just about everywhere. Have you ever spent the whole day (or multiple days) just looking up one thing on the internet (e.g., videos of your favorite band, how-to videos, quizzes, etc.)? OHHHHHHHHHH YEAH. There have been a couple days or so where I was totally glued to looking up various tattoo designs, bingeing let's plays or conspiracy theory videos, etc. etc. If you ever think about getting married, what are some aspects of the wedding that you would like to see in a non-traditional manner (e.g., a different color dress or “partners” over “husband” and “wife”)? I WILL NOT get married in a church, first of all. I'm also not having the traditional vows, and I probably won't wear a white dress, but instead black. Salt & vinegar, barbecue, sour cream & onion, or cheddar? Ohhhh, I like all those options but barbecue. I think I've gotta go with sour cream & onion, though. Bow ties on guys, dorky or adorable? A D O R A B L E ! ! ! I think they're ordinarily geeky, but I mean, geeky is cute in my world. :^) Do you believe in demonic possession? How about ghosts? Angels? Angels, no. Spirits/ghosts, 100%. I don't exactly believe in demons, per se, but I do question if evil spirits can possess someone. What is one romantic movie that you enjoy enough to watch more than once? I've seen The Notebook numerous times. Name three countries you want to visit; why those three? South Africa to interact with meerkats at the KMP, somewhere up in Canada to see the Northern Lights, and Germany just because, really. I took German for four semesters, and the culture and all just interests me. Do you have a good luck charm? No, considering I don't believe they do jack. Do you use Skype to talk to your friends? Only Sara. Now that I have Discord semi-figured out now though, we'll probably use that for voice chatting. Are you allergic to any animals? I might be allergic to dogs. Do you usually spend your weekends out, or at home? I'm like... always at home. Do you think it’s wrong for people to say "retard/retarded" as an insult? Absofuckinglutely. Don't pull that shit when I'm around. Have you ever had to go to the police department? No. Have you ever lived through a hurricane? Plenty. Have you ever had a home-grown tomato? Yes, from my old friend's garden. We'd have delicious tomato, mayo, and bacon sandwiches. The only instance where I've enjoyed tomatoes. Have you ever held a real gun? The former friend I mentioned just before, her husband always carried a gun, and he just needed me to hold it for a sec for some reason I don't recall. I hated the feeling. Would you rather wear Converse or Vans? I like both, but I think I prefer Converse. Have you ever been called bipolar? Yes, because I clinically am. Have you ever made fun of a handicapped person? FUCK no. And like the "retarded" thing, don't you fucking DARE to do this in front of me. I WILL deck the shit out of you. Do you think it’s okay to have sex before marriage? Sure, as long as you're being safe and are very thorough in communication. Do you like to watch old sitcoms? I don't really watch TV as I say in like every survey it seems, but I do enjoy some old sitcoms I grew up watching with my mom, like The Nanny, The Golden Girls, The Munsters, etc. If asked, could you run a mile nonstop right now? Being completely serious, I don't even know if I CAN physically run right now. My legs are so incredibly weak, and I'm humiliatingly close to what my heaviest weight was back in 2016, so I can almost guarantee my knees would crumple if I tried. Do you wear those rubber wristbands? I used to. I don't really like bracelets nowadays. If a necklace/ring gives you green marks, do you still wear it? Nope. Have you ever driven an electric car? No. When was the last time you saw someone you went to high school with? Uhhhh idk. What breed was the last dog you saw? A fucking GOLIATH of a lab. I shit you not when I say my sister's roommate's dog Hudson is the size of a goddamn bear. How long have your parents been together (or how long were they together, if they no longer are): I wanna say they were together at the very least 20 years. What has been your most epic cooking failure? I once accidentally put something (I don't remember what) in the microwave for around 45 minutes I believe, and I walked away and completely forgot about it. I remembered a long while later, and safe to say, it wasn't edible, whatever it was, lmao. Have you ever been to Mexico? No. Have you ever had a parrot sit on your shoulder? No, but that'd be cool. Has anyone in your life ever treated you abusively? No. How long has it been since your last breakup? Somewhere around two years ago? My memory is so garbage nowadays. Can you concentrate well while listening to music, or do you find it distracting? It's distracting, usually. What’s something you’ve been struggling with lately? I've been pretty bad about drinking too much soda lately. :/

[second-chance-stray]

(Split Ends) RP Log: Cravs, Riylli, and Rising revisit Baldur in Limsa Lominsa.

Cravendy Hound - After entrusting Baldur, the ill-fated boy, to the healers based in Limsa Lominsa, the trio decided to head back to the company...at Crav's insistence, really. Every extra second spent in the maritime city was a second too much. And so, after taking the aetheryte home, we find the three on the company lawn.

Riylli Aliapoh lets out a stretch as they arrive, a bit groggy from the teleporting. "It's a shame you missed it Cravs, Rising ran in while I was castin' one of my spells and I knocked her a clean 20 fulms in the air!" She said, grinning with a bit too much pride. She then seemed to remember Rising was still there. "...By the way, you okay?"

Rising Lotus was patched up after their encounter as well, her right arm was coating in bandages, along with some other patches along the exposed skin of her body. She winced with each step, the healers picking all the needles from her form and now leaving her body to do the rest of the healer. She merely grumbled as Riylli spoke to her, putting her weight on her spear to take some of it off her leg.

Cravendy Hound: "Magic and melee don't mix, Riylli. But, er, 'ow are ye 'oldin' up, Risin'? That injury ye got looked somethin' fierce."

Riylli Aliapoh rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly, taking that as a 'no'. She turned back to Cravs, deciding to ignore the issue like a mature adult. "So... Y'wanna tell us what that was all about? Why're you goin' so far to help this guy's kid?"

Rising Lotus: "...I'll be fine. Kinda a feel like layin' down." she glanced at Riylli, nodding afterwards "Aye. I'm curious 'bout that too."

Cravendy Hound: "I'm still confused 'ow a cactaur of all things made it to La Noscea. Could be a freak accident, but somethin' about it doesn't sit right with me." She sighs in thought, brow knitted and bothered. "....Ah. Uh. I guess I owe ye all an explanation."

Riylli Aliapoh plopped herself down on the step, ready for a story

Cravendy Hound: "Oi, get up! I-I'm not gonna bore ye with all the details," Cravs stammers. "Look. I made a promise to the kid's father. 'is dyin' wish was to see his son grow strong, with his own strength."

Riylli Aliapoh tilted her head. "...Y'know... It aint really his own strength if we had to step in to help... You sure you should be meddlin' like this? I mean, it was just a little cactus thing"

Rising Lotus "...Someone might not want that. I remember the merchant mentionin' somethin' 'bout some folk not carin' for him or his family or somethin'." she shrugs, wincing in pain afterwards "...also cactuar are from Thanalan, don't know how one would of gotten there."

Cravendy Hound nods to Riylli. "I agree, and originally, I just wanted to see if 'e was doin' okay. But this cactaur business...I think someone /else/ is meddlin' with 'im. And if we meddle to remove the meddler, then it'll cancel out, right?"

Riylli Aliapoh 's ears perked up in interest. "Y'mean someone left that cactus out there to take the kid out? Who exactly was this kid's sire? Why's he got so many enemies that would go so far as to try and kill his kid after he's already gone?"

Cravendy Hound shifts in place, heat under the collar. Unusually, she speaks slowly and thoughtfully, as if the wrong word could set off a mine. "Kid's father was a pirate captain, but one with...'onor, I suppose. Steal from the rich, give to the poor. Which lead 'im to rob from the same, powerful set of targets."

Cravendy Hound: "If ye got raided by Captain Thorne, ye didn't -just- lose yer shite. It was a kind of...a mark. A blow to yer pride, and that didn't sit well the rich."

Riylli Aliapoh thinks about this for a moment. "...So if we know who the targets are, why don't we just hop over an' kick their teeth in? Bet that'd gettem to stop messin' with the kid!"

Rising Lotus huffs, closing her eyes tightly for a few moments before glaring at Cravs. "...So what's gonna happen when these powerful targets  learn we're helpin' the kid? Last thing I need is to be marked like the boy, or if they learn we work for Heartwood an' create problems for the others."

Cravendy Hound: "That's step one. Gotta find who's still got it out for the kid, out of a handful of options." She then turns to Rising. "As long as we don't do anythin' illegal we should be alright. And we can threaten to expose 'ow they torment a kid to keep them from doin' anything to us."

Cravendy Hound: "Nothin' illegal, alright? That means even if they're an ass, we can't just kick their teeth in." Cravs lectures to Riylli.

Riylli Aliapoh frowned. "It aint illegal if they're a bad guy! And ain’t kickin' teeth in how pirates settle their differences anyroad?"

Rising Lotus tried to give Cravs a skeptical look, but just ended up grimacing from the shift of posture, then just looked exhausted. "That ain't how it work if you're rich. Can get away with anythin'."

Cravendy Hound: "That's not 'ow the law works! And while that may be 'ow we settle problems on water, on land...under the Admiral's stink eye, we'd probably cause more trouble doin' that."

Cravendy Hound: "The rich still 'ave their pride. I'm thinkin' if word got out that the bugger pesters a goddamn child for 'is late father's legacy, it'd be enough to twist their arm."

Riylli Aliapoh looked to Rising, then to Cravs, and then up to the sky as she let out an exasperated sigh. "...Y'see? This is exactly why we Miqo'te got our own rules..." She grumbled, before finally looking back down. "Fine! We'll do it your way! But if any of 'em tries to swing at me it's fair game, yeah?"

Rising Lotus grumbled, pretty much done with the day. "Well in the case it does go tits up, we can handle ourselves much better than that boy I 'spose."

Cravendy Hound nods. What an exhausting day. "...well. Ye look like ye could use two days worth of sleep, Risin'. That's all I 'ad to say."

Riylli Aliapoh hops to her feet and dusts off her pants. "Alright! Just gimme a shout whenever you get a lead or whatever. Always happy to lend my skills to a good cause!" She flashes Cravs a grin, and very pointedly tries not to look over to the wounded Rising

Rising Lotus "...Aye. You know how to reach us. Though we ought to expect somethin' worse than a cactuar next time." she sighed and started making her way toward the door.

(Cravendy Hound) seems a good place to timeskip to next scene? any last posts and then :P )) (Rising Lotus) I'm good!)) (Riylli Aliapoh) (Timeskip ready! (Cravendy Hound) AAAHH that outfit!!! )) (Cravendy Hound) the blade harness xD )) (Rising Lotus) Oh yeah I don't think you've seen her in it yet!)) (Riylli Aliapoh) (No fair, its so hard to get glams for Riylli ;-; (Cravendy Hound) it looks extremely good )) (Cravendy Hound) *timeskips in same outfit* xD )) (Cravendy Hound) HERE we can at least start in the company so it doesn't feel like, literally seconds after xD )) (Rising Lotus) Guess we'll have to have a fashion montage for Riylli at some point)) (Riylli Aliapoh) (Yknow what, its totally canon that RIylli only has one set of clothes (Cravendy Hound) ahahaha )) (Riylli Aliapoh) (Oh, I DO actually have a glamour change! (Rising Lotus) so pick out something new then we can figure out how she got it!)) (Riylli Aliapoh) (alakazam (Rising Lotus) mask (Cravendy Hound) fjkdslf just the gloves?! )) (Riylli Aliapoh) (Theyre bandages ^o^ Shes been practicing the fire spell! (Rising Lotus) Damn I thought you were just going to throw that mask on xD))

Cravendy Hound - A week later, Cravs has reached out to Riylli and Rising for company (or maybe help?) again. It's related to the business in Limsa Lominsa, and she's wearing her disguise dress again. Oh boy.

Rising Lotus was eyeing the bandages wrapped around Riylli's hands. "...How's that fire spell going?"

Riylli Aliapoh grins to Rising. "It's goin' well! I got the basic formula down, just gotta work on intensity and duration!" She beams proudly, giving Rising a bandaged thumbs up.

Cravendy Hound: "That...looks painful."

Riylli Aliapoh gives a mock bow. "You gotta suffer for art y'know"

Rising Lotus couldn't help but smirk at Riylli's enthusiasm. "...We'll get it down before you touch anythin' we fish up..or the lava." she turned her attention to Cravs, holding back a snicker at seeing her dolled up again. "You find out more 'bout the boy then?"

Cravendy Hound: "Seems ye got some more sufferin' to do then," Cravs notes in a bright tone.

Cravendy Hound: "Right, the Baldur business - I narrowed it down to a couple of names. But that's as far as I can go gatherin' information out 'ere. Thought it'd be more efficient to ask the kid 'imself. Which means." Cravs gestures to her outfit. "I'll need some escorts to talk for me once we're in Limsa again."

Riylli Aliapoh was clearly enjoying the attention, but quieted down to let Cravs speak. "Why not just talk to the kid as Cravs? If he's lost his sire, it... might be nice for him to know he's still got people close to him out there..."

Rising Lotus "Hmm...'spose maybe she doesn't want him to turn her in for the gil? If he really needs to be supportin' him an' his mom anyway." she shrugged. "Doesn't look like the type to sell out someone who's helpin' him though."

Cravendy Hound went as white as a sheet at the suggestion. "A-ah, that's...Uhh, we've got, um. A misunderstandin' between us. If 'e knew it was me, 'e'd flip out for sure. Trust me, it's easier this way." Cravs clears her throat and then hurries out before Riylli or Rising can ask further.

Cravendy Hound - The trip over is pretty awkward. If the subject was brought up again, Cravs would simply pick up the pace and pretend not to hear. And, once the trio were in Limsa, her lips were sealed, clarification frustratingly out of reach. That said, she was definitely walking somewhere with purpose.

Rising Lotus gave up askin' fairly quick, she knew she wouldn't get anywhere at the moment. She'd pry it out of her later though, one way or another. "So... you know what he'll be up to today? Or you jus' hopin' we run into him?"

Riylli Aliapoh wouldn't bring it up again, at the very least smart enough to see Cravs didn't want to talk about it. Instead, she would offer fun facts of things she had learned so far in her research. "...So, did you guys know that a forge runs hotter than lava?"

Cravendy Hound mimes holding something heavy and swinging it around. And to Riylli's fact, she gives the miqo'te a doubting look. Really?

Riylli Aliapoh nods. "Yeah! Turns out lava is only like... half as hot as your average blacksmith forge! It aint even hot enough to melt iron! Makes my job easier, but it's kinda disappointin' y'know?"

(Riylli Aliapoh) (Thank you for subscribing to Lava Facts)

Cravendy Hound desperately wants to ask if that's how Riylli has been testing her fire shield spell - by dunking her hands in a forge. Cravs moves her hands around as if dipping them in something.

Riylli Aliapoh tilts her head, unable to figure out the mimicry. "Can't you like... at least whisper or somethin' when were alone? Surely they don't got ears everywhere?"

Cravendy Hound looks around and finds it acceptably empty. "Did ye dunk yer 'ands in the forge to test yer spell?!" She whisper-yells.

Rising Lotus narrowed her eyes at Cravs "...So he's... carrying somethin'.. then puttin' it in the oven?" she seemed to be combining the conversations. Then Cravs actually spoke. "Oohh you're talkin' 'bout that. I hope you didn't do that, use a fire or somethin' first Riylli."

Riylli Aliapoh blinks at her. "What? You crazy? What if the spell failed?" She said, shaking her head. "Nah, I've been usin' a campfire! Got a problem with the magic runnin' out too fast though..." She muttered, rubbing her poor cooked hands

Cravendy Hound stifles back laughter, and pats Riylli on the back. There there.

Rising Lotus: "I can get ya some cream for that. Know a gobbie that makes some quality stuff. Don't worry it works too, used it after gettin' a nasty burn from some giant bug sparyin' me with gunk."

Riylli Aliapoh grumbles and glares up at Cravs at the treatment, but lets it slide since she couldn't tell if it was meant to be mocking or not. "...That'd be great, thanks. I don't gotta pay for it, right?"

Cravendy Hound: "Bug....gunk? Bug gunk...That sounds. Hm." Cravs raises a brow at Rising but doesn't say more.

Rising Lotus "Well I ought to considerin' how you made me a pin cushion on our last outin' together." she snickered a bit, the first time she cracked a joke about it. "But nah, he owes me one anyhow. Next time I'm up there I'll grab ya some." she gave Riylli a firm pat on the back.

Riylli Aliapoh grumbled again, but couldn't really argue back. "...Thanks." She muttered, not exactly enthused about all this back-patting she was receiving

Cravendy Hound had earlier given Rising a notepad with names written in it. One of them, hopefully, belonged to the person who was harassing the kid. Her heels clicking on the docks, Cravs would eventually lead the little crew to a dusty corner of Limsa where the kid (B) was presently practicing his form with the ax.

Cravendy Hound - The heavy ax is far too big for the kid. Every swing pulls him comically forward with the weapon. He stops his 'practice' and looks up at the approaching trio with a wide smile. "I remember you two! You helped me with that monster the other day."

(Cravendy Hound) more back pats )) (Cravendy Hound) i demand more )) (Rising Lotus) I feel like Riylli and Rising would have back pats that would eventually devolve into a hitting contest)) (Cravendy Hound) actually cravs and rising would have to squat down to pat Riylli's back ahah - otherwise it'd be a head pat )) (Riylli Aliapoh) (Cravs and Rising know it's too dangerous to headpat Riylli, they'd probably get bit (Cravendy Hound) sometimes my tall friends would use my head as an arm rest.....annoyed me, and yet I can see Cravs doing that to Riylli lmao )) (Rising Lotus) I've done that to my shorter friends before xD))

Riylli Aliapoh perked up as she got recognized by the kid, offering him a friendly wave. "Hey! How are you holdin' up after all them needles?"

Rising Lotus watches the boy fling himself with his strikes, smirking with every swing.  "Aye that was us." she eyed up his weapon for a few moments. "You ought to get somethin' a bit lighter by the way, gonna leave yourself open if you take too long liftin' your weapon."

Cravendy Hound - The kid bashfully itches the tip of his nose. "I'm doing fine, thanks to you all...Woke up on the softest bed I've ever been on in my life, healing expenses all covered." Baldur's eyes drift over to Cravs, and then back to Riylli and Rising. "Oh, I plan to! I'm just using this old thing because it was the only thing I could afford. Once I earn enough, I'll buy a better one...after everything else, haha."

Cravendy Hound turns away, avoiding eye contact. It's overkill given that she's wearing a mask.

Rising Lotus eyed Cravendy, she had to pay for the needle removal out of her pocket. "...well I'm sure them healers were excited for the chance to de-needle someone. Don't see many cactuar over here after all, bit strange." she nodded as he brought up upgrading his armor and weapon. "A good set of armor is jus' as important as a good weapon, smart thinkin'."

Riylli Aliapoh nudged Rising with her foot to try and bring her back to the task at hand, snatching the list out of her hands. "Hey, so... Were kinda lookin' into something, think you might be able to help us out? You know any of the names on this list?"

Cravendy Hound - Baldur nods enthusiastically, dreads bouncing on top of his head. Admiration for Rising and Riylli is practically gushing from every inch of the kid. "So that was a cactaur? I've never seen one before."

Cravendy Hound - Baldur snaps into attention. "Oh, right away! I'd be thrilled to help you two out. Let's see..." He takes the list and scans it. "Only this last one. Mindred Rot. She's who I go to if I need a loan."

Rising Lotus "Aye, I grew up 'round them, used to hit them with sticks then ru-" she glanced at Riylli as she bumped her and had the list snatched away.

(Cravendy Hound) dfsd hit them with sticks and run???? chaos child )) (Rising Lotus) She didn (Rising Lotus) didn't have toys or anything xD Played with bugs and lizards and cactuars))

Riylli Aliapoh raised her eyebrow at the name. "...'Mindred Rot'? Well that's a bad guy name if I've ever heard one." She said, nodding along until she remembered Cravs' full name. "Er... Right, anyroad, what's she like? If she lends you money she can't be that bad, right?"

(Riylli Aliapoh) (Poor riylli about to learn the horrors of capitalism)

Cravendy Hound - Baldur smiles as he hands the list back to Riylli. "Oh, yeah, her name's pretty rotten. But in some ways...she looks after me. No one else'll give my family loans."

Rising Lotus "You need to get out of the woods more..." she shook her head at Riylli's comment. She hummed at Baldur's words about the woman. "Hmm, how generous of her."

Riylli Aliapoh wrinkled her nose. "Honestly I'd rather get out of the woods less... How in the world do you lot handle that salt in the air?"

Cravendy Hound - Baldur's gaze wanders to Rising's axe, and then to Riylli's staff. "So, you two must be adventurers, huh? You think you could teach me a thing or two? Punch better, smarter, harder? Oh, and! I didn't mean to be rude." He turns to Cravs. "Who's your friend?"

Rising Lotus Grinned, giving him a nod. "Aye! Do a lot of guard an' merc work. Takin' me all over, mostly back an' forth between Idyllshire an' places though. This one is still gettin' her footin' for it though." she snickered a bit as she eyed Riylli. "Oh, an' that's Singin' Gull. She's uh...a great singer an' has to save her voice most the time. We're guardin' her on her...singing journey?"

Riylli Aliapoh puffed her chest out. "Yup! Name's Riylli, Warrior of Earth!" she declared proudly, possibly forgetting Cravs and Rising were in earshot. "I'm a master of earth magic, but I'm sure I could give you some tips! Oh, and this is..." She trails off, staring at Cravs as her mind blanks on what her alias was. Thankfully Rising was there to have her back, though the Roegadyn still earned herself a glare from her little comment

Cravendy Hound 's frown twitches slightly. Singing Gull the Singer. Really? But she goes along with it anyway.

Cravendy Hound - Baldur's mouth forms an 'o' in awe. "Idyllshire? Never even heard of the place. Sounds cool though...And magic? How would I even start?" He turns back for a second to rest his rusty axe against a crate, and then hops right back into the conversation. "Like, just think really hard and magic happens? Hrrrghhhh.."

Riylli Aliapoh shook her head at the kid. "Nah, it aint that simple. It's more like... Y'know how you can move your fingers with your mind? You basically do that, but you move your aether about instead, and get THAT aether to move the aether OUTSIDE of you, and... Honestly I might not remember all the lessons, it's kinda just a reflex at this point. But you shouldn't be wastin' your talents on magic anyroad! You're a highlander right? You're gonna have plenty of muscle when you grow up, you should use-

Riylli Aliapoh -that instead!"

Rising Lotus could talk for hours about Idyllshire, but she resisted and tried to steer the conversation back on topic, which of course meant giving Riylli a light smack to the arm to get her to focus up. "Anyway, you know were we could find this Rot lady? Gull here is lookin' for gil for her next performance an' were hopin' to find some donations."

Cravendy Hound - Baldur is trying so hard to follow Riylli's explanation, but it leaves the poor kid's brain all tangled. "Huh, what? Huh? Uhh, oh, you want to meet Miss Rot? She's usually really busy so I have to schedule in advance. But I can ask if she's free to meet you all next time."

Riylli Aliapoh sighs. "Y'mean we gotta come all the way out here again..? Fine, I guess... Not like we can just go kick the doors down and demand to talk to her after all..." She muttered, offering a small glare to Cravs out of the corner of her eye

Rising Lotus cleared her throat, glaring at Riylli as she glared at Cravs "We'd appreciate that, jus' say that..uh..an up an' comin' singer is lookin' for fundin'. " she gave Baldur a nod, hoping that selling Cravs like that would make her the perfect target for a loan shark.

Cravendy Hound looks similarly annoyed, but shakes her head no to Riylli. It's not like they could go in there with wild accusations anyway - seemed worth strategizing over first.

Cravendy Hound - With the night fast approaching, Cravs motions with her hand to signal her intention to head home. Without bothering to wave goodbye to Baldur, she walks on ahead.

Rising Lotus watches Crav hurry away. "Uh sorry..." she put her hand to her mouth to muffle her words "Sort of a diva that one. Good luck out there lad!" she gave him a thumbs up before hurrying after 'Singing Gull'.

Riylli Aliapoh sighed once for not being allowed to rampage mindlessly, then once more as Cravs walked away without saying bye to the kid. She offers Baldur a wave. "You keep practicin' okay? We'll come by and see you again later, and maybe I'll share some of my adventurin' secrets with you!"

Cravendy Hound is a good distance ahead. As she passes by a stranger, there's some kind of odd collision that ends up tripping Cravs. Her mask drops off and rolls a few ilms forward as the stranger awkwardly, but quickly, makes their escape without even a sorry.

Cravendy Hound scrambles to recover the headware and fasten it back on. By the time Riylli and Rising have caught up, she's still kneeled over on the floor, troubled.

Riylli Aliapoh pretty much has to run to keep up with Cravs' long-legged walking, blinking in confusion as she notices her state. "H-Hey, you alright?"

Rising Lotus hurries to catch up to Cravs, quickly stepping in front of her to shield her face as she glanced around. "Aye..did you know that man or somethin'?"

Cravendy Hound: "I'm fine. Rattled is all." She whispers as she wobbles back up and takes a deep breath. ".....no, I didn't recognize them."

Rising Lotus looked around at the few bystanders eyeing the scene. "Maybe it'd be best to get out of here...before there's a chance to cause more of a scene." she said the last part in a whisper. Last thing they needed was the yellow jackets upon them.

Riylli Aliapoh raises her arm up seemingly to try to comfort her, only to hesitate and lower it back down. "...Let's talk outside of the city, all this salt is starting to make me sick..." She says, awkwardly attempting to give Cravs an out

Cravendy Hound: "...Right. No point in worrying about it now. Let's just get out of 'ere." She mutters.

[twoblueheartslocked]

Mini Para: November Flashback

Rating: PG/PG-13

Pairing: Seblaine.

Sebastian: @colorsicantsee

Blaine: @twoblueheartslocked

Time: Four years before the events of ( Hold On To The Memories, They Will Hold On To You ) Events taking place in November of Blaine’s Senior Year and Sebastian’s Junior Year. Blaine (17) Seb(16).

Location: Blaine’s House. Westerville, Ohio

Info: A little glimpse into the month of November and the progression of Sebastian and Blaine’s relationship. Blaine invites Seb to his small family Thanksgiving dinner. Cooper embarrasses Blaine a bit and Seb makes him feel better.

Warnings: Teens cursing, kissing, touching.

Extra Warnings: (This RP is not Kurt Hummel friendly. You’ve all been warned.)

Notes: Some canon events remain in place while others have been changed. Some things may even be out of order. You can consider this sort of canon divergent AU. A few changes are that Blaine’s parents are different from the show (His mother is Filipina), he didn’t cheat on Kurt or date Dave and Sebastian is younger than Blaine. Feel free to send a message if you have any questions!

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine paced nervously at the foot of his stairs as he waited for Sebastian to show up. He wasn’t late by any means, but Blaine was beside himself trying to get to the door before Cooper, who was in town from Los Angeles,  managed to throw it open and scare him off. Cooper had been harassing him about his relationship with Sebastian for the last two days, making ridiculous faces and taunting him with stupid questions that made Blaine blush. Oooh, going after the bad boys now? Oh my god, do you think you’ll survive college? Oooh, are you in love, Blainey? At least you get to dress yourself now, that’s a step up. Coop had been relentless and Blaine was sort of regretting inviting Seb to come over. He was now terrified that Cooper would say something dumb about love and actually chase Seb off with his idiocy.

It didn't help that he was a little afraid of how Seb might see Cooper. He’d never met him and if he saw him on the television then he’d never fessed up to it. But, people tended to like Cooper better than they liked him and Blaine couldn’t help but feel a little bit nervous that Seb might see his brother's six foot frame and blue eyes and forget he was even there. He remembered how cute Kurt had thought Cooper was and how in awe he’d seemed and the flair of jealousy Blaine had felt and now he was fighting as hard as he could to keep the jealousy at bay this time.

Blaine sighed, a little annoyed with himself because he knew better now. Sebastian seemed to only have eyes for him, seemed to only ever make time for him (and occasionally Hunter) So He knew he should calm down. Over the last month he and Sebastian had managed to get even closer. They’d spent the rest of October after his incredible birthday night in spooky bliss-Seb actually went to a Haunted House with Blaine and Sam and didn’t scream once, just clung to Blaine like a lifeline, but Blaine hadn’t minded at all. And since the start of November they'd taken more walks in parks with autumn leaves falling overhead and stepping over blankets of the crunchy ones with hot cider than he could count. And now Seb was going to be sitting at the family table with his mom, dad, Cooper and himself and he was giddy with it all.

His cheeks hurt with how happy he was. He couldn’t remember ever smiling this much before and if he had, whatever he’d been smiling about suddenly didn’t compare to the sight of Sebastian Smythe’s cheeks tinged a pinkish red whether from the cold where he got to sneak frozen kisses or from Blaine’s hands or mouth in their intimate moments as Seb sang out his name in a chorus that seemed to only be for Blaine. He was closer than ever to letting his feelings for Sebastian slip past his lips and he didn’t know what that might do to them. He’d made a promise to himself to keep it in for a bit longer, see how tonight went and maybe get through the New Year, but every day that Blaine spent with him made it harder to keep the pitter patter rhythm of I love you I love you in his heart to himself.

The very heart that skipped a beat when Sebastian’s confident and steady knock rapped through the door and pulled him from his thoughts. Blaine surged forward, throwing a look at himself in the hall mirror and noting that a curl was loose and his fitted navy blue sweater was slightly disheveled- he couldn’t care too much though, he needed to beat Cooper. He could already hear his brother’s thundering feet as he tried to get to the door first. He grabbed the handle, trying not to slip on the hardwood floor as he pulled the door open to Sebastian standing in the brisk Ohio autumn, his cheeks tinged pinkish red front the cold. A smile broke out on his face as he reached out and pulled him in, wrapping him in a hug and giving him a quick hello kiss before Cooper could round the corner and make fun of him more.

“Hey you. I see even the cold couldn’t keep you away.” 

He teased, not wanting to let go. Suddenly the thought of sharing Seb with his family for the evening seemed tortuous, especially when they could just be alone. But, Cooper's little singsong of Blainey rang out and Blaine knew that wasn’t entirely possible. He’d have to introduce them sooner or later.

“Maybe we can get a few more of those kisses in later?” He whispered before leading his person into the family room where a defeated Coop had retreated.

“Coop this is Sebastian; Seb this is my brother Cooper.”

Sebastian’s POV:

If you would have told Sebastian a year ago that he would be regularly going on planned dates and lingering on doorsteps for goodnight kisses and getting invited to family dinners, he would have laughed in your face and said a few things that would probably hurt your feelings. But here he was, walking up to Blaine’s doorsteps with a pumpkin pie his cook had prepared. The bottom of the glass dish was warm in the palm of his hand as the chilly air whipped around him. Of course, Blaine answered right away to rescue him from the biting air, as if he could sense Sebastian’s discomfort.

“Hey B.” He leaned down for a quick kiss. He could sense an edge of nerves in the other boy. “Thanksgiving dinner? I wouldn’t miss that for the world.” Seb squeezed Blaine’s hand and hoped that it had comforted him some. Sebastian knew that he was on edge about his older brother being home for the holidays. Blaine had told him about how Kurt and the New Directions fawned all over him because he was in a few insurance commercials and was typically good looking. Sebastian had assured Blaine that a few commercials didn’t impress him and that nobody was him and therefore couldn’t steal his gaze away.

“I can’t wait.” Seb whispered into Blaine’s ear before he was tugged towards the Anderson’s family room.

Cooper was tall and handsome, sure but extremely goofy and cocky (an interesting mix). Sebastian could feel the puppy dog like energy roll off of him as he clasped his hand in an energetic handshake.

“Nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.” Sebastian figured it was best to keep things generic. Cooper grinned and clasped a big hand on Blaine’s shoulder but kept eye contact with Seb. “I can say the same for you, big guy. You ever think of doing commercial work? I could hook you up with a gig for Athlete’s foot powder. Lacrosse, right?”

Sebastian felt his eyes widen and his mouth drop open a tiny bit. Blaine’s cheeks turned bright red like the ribbons on the Christmas tree in the family room.

He recovered and shook his head, “Nah, no thanks. But yeah, I play Lacrosse. Season starts up in February.”

Sebastian looked around the room and could smell the scent of turkey and stuffing and cinnamon drifting into the room. “Where are your parents?”

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine’s smile felt far too big over something so small, but Sebastian telling him he wouldn’t miss Thanksgiving meant a lot to him. He knew that this wasn’t really Seb’s scene and the fact that he was here right now made Blaine happier than he could say. Little prickles of goosebumps broke out over his skin from the whispered words and Blaine was even more reluctant to share his time with Sebastian than he was before. Did he have to get that close to his ear? He was blushing when they entered the room and Cooper’s grin told him that he saw it too.

He stood there as Cooper looked Sebastian up and down, appraising him like one would a diamond and bit his bottom lip. Did Cooper have to make a show of everything? Athlete’s foot powder? Where did he come up with this stuff? He knew he was still blushing, the damn thing never seemed to go away when it came to Seb and he cursed himself for being so easy to read. He tried not to feel too self conscious standing in between the two of them but he felt so tiny next to them, he’d always felt that way next to Coop and with Sebastian being taller than Cooper he felt even smaller. And for the thousandths time Blaine wondered what Seb actually saw in him, especially with Cooper looking like a goddamn movie star.

“Don’t try to solicit Sebastian, Coop.” 

He groaned and shook his head watching as Cooper pulled his vibrating phone out of his pocket, his big brother gave a cheeky smile before excusing himself with a clap to Sebastian’s back and an overdramatic thumbs up to Blaine. Blaine wanted the floor to eat him up. He turned to Seb and gently took the pie from him with a shake of his head.

“I told you he was ate the hell up.” He laughed, “They’re both in the kitchen cooking away. My grandparents on my dad's side usually come but they had other engagements this year and mom and dad must have forgotten out of habit and have made too much food. Don’t be surprised if my mom tries to send you home with fifty pounds of mashed potatoes.” He grinned up at Seb. “Don’t worry though, you can say no.” He turned and linked their fingers, Seb’s fingers still warm from the pie before tugging Sebastian into the kitchen to greet his parents.

His father poked his head up from the oven, his blue eyes looking too bright in the autumnal colors of their kitchen as he smiled and greeted Sebastian with a, “Hey kid! Take your coat off, stay for a bit! Oooh, is that Pumpkin?” Before ducking back into the oven to mess around with their turkey. Blaine always felt a little useless on Thanksgiving, his parents liked to take care of everything and really didn’t let him help much in the kitchen, no matter how much he liked to cook- his mom always told him the meal was their gift to him and Cooper. Blaine appreciated but, but would much rather have been covered in cranberries than stuck listening to Cooper's harassment.

His mom wiped her hands on her apron and gratefully took the pie from Blaine and squeezed his hand before turning her attention to Sebastian, her dainty hands reaching out to squeeze both of his shoulders in a sort of but not quite hug. She’d gotten to know him enough that she knew what touching she could get by with. He watched the comfort with which they interacted, both of them smiling, and couldn’t help but smile himself. “Yes, thank you for the pie, Sebastian. And welcome to your very first Anderson Family Thanksgiving. Hopefully next year we’ll be better prepared and the food will actually be ready when you get here. Alas, you're all three going to have to wait a big longer. My husband underestimated his turkey cooking time.” She laughed and let go of Seb and looked between the two of them. “Why don’t the two of you go hang out for a bit, I think it’ll be ready in about an hour.” Blaine laughed a little as she shooed them gently away.

He nodded towards the stairs, trying to make a beeline to his room before Cooper found them again. He hoped his phone call was a long one and that his brother would get lost on his way to bother them as he pulled Sebastian into his room and closed the door. He probably should have kept it open, but his mom and dad were up to their elbows in dinner so hopefully they wouldn't notice. He turned to Seb and held out his hands for his coat.

“It really is too warm in here for you to be wearing that.” He smiled up at Seb and wanted nothing more than to cash in on those kisses right now. “Sorry about Coop, he can be a bit much.” He sat down on his bed and rolled his eyes. “Not that it stops my friends from adoring him.”

Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian didn’t have time to ask if the Anderson’s needed any help, not that they would have taken it before they were shooed from the kitchen. He had never seen his parents interact together the way Will and Imelda did. Hell, he’d never even seen his dad prepare anything besides peanut butter sandwiches and he inherited his mother’s cooking ability, so figure that one out. It was really nice to see parents actually get along, nice to walk into a warm, inviting kitchen where there wasn’t a single staff member or catered food laid out. “I like your parents.”

Sebastian shrugged his jacket off and tossed it onto Blaine’s bed. “Now we have a reason to come back up here tonight. Can’t leave without my coat.” He sat next to the other boy and reached for his hand. Seb held Blaine’s hand in his lap and reveled in the feeling of his music worn hands. He never grew tired of his strong, calloused fingers. Sebastian would often get lost in thoughts of those hands on other parts of his body...

“Don’t apologize. He didn’t do anything too crazy.” He sighed and watched the other boy’s face. Sebastian knew that Cooper and B had a strained relationship and that the younger sibling often felt swallowed by the other’s shadow.

“But. Wait? Aren’t you...oh my god…” Sebastian moved to his knees and gasped dramatically, he wobbled a little unsteady on the bed. “Blaine Anderson?! Oh my god, I’m such a fan.” He pinned Blaine to the bed with one hand and gently tickled his side as he straddled him. “ You’re like, show choir royalty and you can play like, 465 instruments!”

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine felt a wave of emotion at the mention of his parents, he smiled softly up at Sebastian and nodded, “They like you, too.” He let out a little laugh. “Mom actually told me she was surprised that she liked you so much considering the whole slushie and almost blinding me in one eye bit, but she said that she likes the way I am with you.” He shrugged, a little embarrassed to admit her words. “She said that I’m, I don’t know, like way more myself with you than I was with Kurt, and my dad agrees. So, yeah, you’re their favorite, kid.” He teased echoing his dad’s nickname from earlier. “You’re mine, too.”

He watched as Seb shrugged off his coat and a little flutter of giddiness swept through him as Sebastian sat down next to him on his bed and held his hand in his lap. They’d been on this bed before, kissing and touching, but each time it made Blaine feel twisted up and out of sorts in the best way possible.

“Mm, and of course I’ll have to come up and help you find it.” He teased. He bit his lip as Sebastian looked at him, the sigh leaving the taller boys lips making him tense up a bit. Was Seb regretting spending the holiday with him and his family? “He’s a pain in the ass, that’s what he is.” He grumbled, rolling his eyes again before looking back up at Seb, his brow furrowing in confusion for a moment at Seb’s words. Once he realized what Seb was doing his face broke out into another smile and he let out an actual giggle.

“Don’t you dare tickle me, Sebastian.”

Of course Seb had sensed Blaine’s insecurities. His shoulder came up as if to defend himself from Sebastian’s tickles and his giggles intensified as he playfully pretended to bat the other boys hands away. He let himself be pressed down onto his bed, his body wiggling in an incredibly half hearted attempt to get away. It amazed him that Sebastian knew what he needed even when Blaine wasn’t actually aware that he’d needed anything at all. The other boy had this amazing ability to pull him out of almost any funk he’d found himself in. He’d been managing to do it even before they started dating.

“You’re so sweet.” He mumbled as he caught Sebastian’s tickling hand in his own and pulled it towards him so he could press his lips against his knuckles. Blaine loved it when Seb did things like this. Blaine was confident that nobody else had gotten to see him when he was like this; sweet, and kind and smiling at him with every perfectly imperfect tooth on display and it was all just for him.  “Come here.” He whispered softly as he tugged on Seb’s hand gently, pulling him down towards him. He tilted his head back against his pillow, his face up and open towards Seb’s. His wrist was still locked in Seb’s slender fingers against the comforter, but his other hand was free and he slid it around Seb’s waist to press them close before lifting his head to connect their lips and kissing him slowly and sweetly, his eyes slipping closed as he lost himself in the blissful moment.

There was this terrible fear in the back of his mind that Cooper would burst in and ruin the moment, but he couldn’t be bothered to stop. It would be his brother’s own fault and he’d have to live with the sight. He let his free hand slide up from Seb’s waist and let his fingers curl against the back of Seb’s neck, one of Seb’s favorite places to be touched, scraping lightly against the sensitive skin and pulling the other boy even closer, a tiny little gasp escaping his lips as he rolled his hips up involuntarily. He hadn’t meant to do it, but Sebastian’s lips and body felt good and heavy against his and he wanted nothing more than to roll them over and pin Seb down so he could slide his hands up his shirt and let his fingers dance against the sprinkle of soft hair on his tummy- just to watch the other boy squirm underneath him. He wanted to touch and kiss him all over all the time and each time they got to Blaine had to stop himself from asking Seb to take things even further. They’d done plenty; Blaine could still feel every touch, taste, and movement, but they still hadn’t gone all the way in the traditional sense, they never seemed to get enough alone time, someone was always lurking about but Blaine was so ready for for that connection, yet so incredibly scared to make that move.

He sighed into the kisses knowing that if he didn’t stop soon he wouldn’t be able to explain his swollen lips and tousled hair to his mom and dad and Cooper would totally know what they were up to. He nipped playfully at Seb’s bottom lip before letting his head fall back against his pillows feeling needy and suddenly hot even though it was freezing outside. He could feel his lips pulling down into a pout and he let his fingers walk up and down the back of Seb’s neck as he spoke.

“Do you ever wish that we could just have like, a night alone?” He could feel himself start to blush again with each word as he locked onto Seb’s green gaze. “I mean, I know we get to be alone some, but I mean like… alone alone. Where there isn’t a parent in an office next to the basement stairs or down in the kitchen.” He lifted his shoulder in a shrug. “I guess I’m just super selfish and I want you all to myself and there always seems to be something we have to do.”

Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian sighed into Blaine’s mouth. He thought that he could kiss him forever and would even be content missing out on homemade mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce and fresh pumpkin squares if that meant rolling around in the other boy’s comfy bed. Seb could feel Blaine’s fingers on his neck and his hips pressing up into his and he couldn’t help but moan a little despite himself. He loved when B touched his neck and he would often daydream about his hands on his neck in a more intimate way. God, he wished that they were in that damn house by themselves and that Cooper Anderson wasn’t loafing around, probably trying to bust into the room at any given moment.

He bit his bottom lip. Of course he thought about alone time with Blaine. “Yeah. All the time. Like….all the fucking time.” Sebastian  fixed a curl that started to pop out of place in the other’s perfectly kept hair. “And about that…” Sebastian took a deep breath. “My parent’s will be going out of town at the end of December. They’ll be gone a few days and I’ll have the place all to myself. I...was thinking that you could come over, spend the night.” He leaned down and gave Blaine a small, slow kiss. “What do you think?”  

Sebastian smiled and laughed a little bit, his nose bumped the other boy’s which made them both laugh some more. “This is probably the best Thanksgiving ever and I haven’t even tried the food yet.”

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine shivered, the sound of Seb’s little moan sending a thrill through the lower half of his body and he wondered if Sebastian could feel how into him he was. He licked his lips and shifted his hips under Sebastian’s body a bit. As much as he wanted to keep this going, he knew they needed to slow down. He lets his fingers ghost over Sebastian’s sensitive neck once more before letting his hand fall away. He reached for Seb’s hand and linked their fingers the best he could from his position and held their tangled hands to his chest. He could feel the rapid thump of his heart against his fingers.

“You do?” His voice was soft and he watched as Seb removed his hand from his pinned wrist and reached out to brush one of his curls away. He let his eyes fall closed for a moment so he could enjoy the movement and he wondered, not for the first time, what Seb’s fingers might feel like tangled in his hair after a shower, before he put product in. The thought felt so intimate and Blaine felt like he was going to go crazy with how much he wanted Sebastian. How he felt like he’d never get enough of him. And from the sound of desperation in Seb’s voice he appeared to feel the same… At least he hoped.  He bit his lip and let his eyes meet Seb’s, trying to read him. His green eyes were heavy and he suddenly seemed a little nervous and god yes Blaine wanted to spend the night with him.

As he kissed Sebastian back, the slow press of their lips made his brain feel a little fuzzy. He didn’t know how he’d do it, he’d probably have to lie to his mom and dad about staying with Sam or something, but he’d get there. He could already picture Sebastian lying naked against the sheets, shivering under Blaine’s touch, the two of them getting to explore each other's bodies without interruptions. Blaine couldn’t wait to sleep wrapped around him, couldn’t wait to tuck Seb in his arms where he’d be warm and safe and he’d make sure he got to wake next to him so he could kiss his sleepy face good morning. He smiled up at Seb softly.

“Well, I think that I’m gonna make it happen, Seb. I promise.”

He laughed as Seb’s nose bumped gently against his, “Now that’s a serious statement. Thanksgiving dinner is some of the best food ever.” He teased, his face falling into a wide smile. “I hope you still mean that when Cooper interrogates you over dessert later.” His smile softened a bit as he looked up at Sebastian. “All jokes aside, I think this has been the best Thanksgiving for me too, Seb. I’m so damn happy you’re here with me.”

And as soon has he finished his sentence the jarring sound of Cooper pounding on his bedroom door and and making them both jump with his singsong voice, “Blaaineyyyy, Sebaaassstiaaan. Dinner time! You’ve got about twenty seconds to get decent before I open the door. Twenty, nineteen…”

Blaine sighed as Seb got off of him and Blaine scooted so he could sit up and adjust himself. “I guess it was nice of him to give us a warning, yeah?” He gave a little laugh before letting himself steal one more of Sebastian’s kisses. “One for the road.” He helped Seb straighten his clothes and then his own. He glanced over at Seb’s discarded coat, excitement about getting to kiss him some more in his room later and the thought of getting to spend a whole night with him kept him even happier than normal as the evening went on without a hitch. It really had been the perfect Thanksgiving.

/fin.

[frccdomfell]

So, this is only a little over 1600 words... I have a lot of people to thank.  I’ve had Stevie boy here for five months, but I’ve been around Tumblr rp for a long time and thought I’d take this opportunity to thank those of you that have been such lights this year. This year has been extremely hard for me for a number of reasons I won’t get into in this happy post! So, this is for those who were there for me this year:

My Main Peeps:

@liftingxrocks : firstly, i have to thank my incredible fiance. you were here every step of the way this year and it has made all the difference. i couldn’t have gotten through it without you and i’m so goddamn lucky i get to call you mine. proposing to you was easily the best thing i’ve ever done and when you said yes was the single best moment of my life. we met through rp and I love every character you try your hand at. thanks for being such a light in my life, babygirl. i love you.

@bytheanchor : b! you total fucking nerd. god, you’re the best! i’m so glad to call you my friend and you’re definitely one of my best online friends. you never fail to be positive and brighten my day. you’re so kind and encouraging. we talk practically every day. those two weeks you went away were SO BORING! i love all your characters so much, you know that. writing with you is easily one of my favourite past times. you are always just as excited and willing to write stuff as i am and i love it. thank you for being such an amazing friend.

@spitefulandspectacular : i mean you never check your tumblr notifications, but i don’t care. you were so important this year so you get a spot on the list. man, you were such a great roommate. we each had our things, but honestly i’m so happy my first real roommate was such a quality person. i miss ya like hell and can’t wait to see you real soon hopefully. thanks for being such a great friend and taking care of our boy. you’re a gem.

@mangohub : monroe, what can i even say? you’re such an incredible friend and i’m so thankful for you. anytime i’m dealing with anything you’re right there for me, ready to listen. i don’t think i’ve met a better writer in my entire life, no joke. i love your alec more than life itself and writing with you is always such a fulfilling experience. even jut plotting with you is so much goddamn fun. you’re such a bright and loving person. thanks for being one of the good things about my 2019.

@warricrsbcw : my mollee. hey hun. i just want to thank you for being such a stand up friend since we reconnected. you’ve been there for me every single time i’ve needed it and i hope i’ve been able to do the same. you’re such a sweet person and you deserve all the nice things. not to mention that i love your alec to hell and back! magnus would go to the ends of the earth for that boy.

@lcdgerbled : hayley, you are so awesome! I’m so lucky that when i left my magnus blog i was able to take you with me in a way. you’re such an insanely talented writer and an even better friend. you’ve been so great and always there if i need anyone to talk to about my ED. your natasha is perfect! steve adores her with his entire heart and wants to buy a place in a new york and have ten kids with her lol. thanks so much for making this year a little more bearable.

New Friends:

@divabarnes : so, you were actually the reason i remade my steve into a blog. he was just available on discord but you reignited my love for him. your bucky sparked my steve back to life and i can’t thank you enough. i love him so much. your writing is so in character and makes my jaw drop every time. i love writing with you (even though im slow and trash). thanks for everything you didn’t even know you did.

@ivorysatin : i know we haven’t known each other a super long time but i absolutely adore you! you’ve been so kind and friendly and you’re writing is PHENOMENAL! your magnus, anna and blair! i’m so in love with all your threads and verses. every time i see your blair i’m so tempted to remake my charles so you need to STOP! but, seriously, you’re such a friendly bean, thanks!

@semiistable : hello friend! so i know we literally just met like four days ago, but in that time i have totally fallen in love with your writing and you so freaking nice and chill. my steve is head over heels for your bucky, and writing with you never fails to make me smile. i hope we continue to be friends for a long time.

@mischieftomake : bonjour jas! so i’ve been dying to write a loki/steve pairing for so long but could never find anyone that clicked with my steve. and, i’m so lucky that the one who did also has such a phenomenal mun! you’re so much fun to plot with and to play around with what we want to do. i’m loving our soulmate verses so much! i hope we continue to become close in the new year!

@tcnystcrrk : thank you thank you thank you! i’m so happy we met and i feel so lucky to get to write with you. my steve just gravitates to your tony. you’re actually the only tony i’m properly active with. i just love plotting and writing with you. you’ve been so kind and excited and it’s made me so happy. i hope to write loads with you both ic and ooc in the new year. stay frosty.

@heyqxeens : beep boop. we don’t write a lot, and that’s mostly because i’ve been hella busy and whatnot. but, i love your peter. even without writing with you i’ve been heavily enjoying reading your other threads. honestly just the fact that you're on my dash makes a huge difference in my tumblr experience. also, we still need to do that thread where they both work at the bugle lol. hope your new year is full of fun.

@hcpefell : nyxie. again, i’ve been bad at keeping up bc life is super hectic right now but thank you so much for being part of the harder part of this year. the second half really took a lot out of me and meeting and writing with you really helped! i love how you write gwen and steve adores her. thank you so much!

Honorable Mentions: (a.k.a. those i stalk)

@stolenparticles : so hi! i’ve been following you since even before i had steve i believe. even when i never thought we’d write together (bc of the vastly different fandoms) i still needed to follow you. cassie is such an interesting and complex character and i love to see someone taking her and just running with it. i love to read all your threads on the dash, it’s always such a good time.

@stormweathered : we’ve chatted here and there, but i low key am IN LOVE with your characterization. your thor is so beautiful and on point! i read all of your answered memes when they show up because your writing is just so impressive. one day i’ll stop being a potato and actually get to work on saying a proper hello.

@kendolled : SOOOOO... i lowkey stalk your blog daily! you’re right up there with @ivorysatin making me want to remake charles. every single time i read your replies alli can see is mr. archibald. i swear, you encompass him so well. ive been rewatching gossip girl for the past seven months or so (bc im slow and easily distracted) and trust me when i say your nate is spot on! i read literally almost everything you post because it’s so perfect!

@spidaeyaunt : so i lowkey adore you. all the love and devotion you put into may is inspiring. i love reading your headcanons and i adore your threads with tonys and peters. but i think the big reason i follow you is your personality. i love seeing your ooc posts on the dash and your tags always make me laugh! keep it up, you cool cat.

@exposestruth & @smallvxlle : i grouped you together because i found you through each other. smallville was such a huge and important part of me growing up. it will forever be one of my top three shows. having both of you bring these characters to life has meant everything. makes me totally miss my ollie every time i read your individual threads. plus all the smallville gifsets on my dash make me SO HAPPY! 

@moqul : omg! your cat is FLAWLESS! i love reading your headcanons and your tags are always so freaking hilarious! i laugh so much whenever you’re on  the dash and it’s something i value so much. i love supergirl so much, i played kara for a while and i still play barry (since hes a cw super) and your cat is just perfect. i don’t think anyone else could do her the kind of justice you do.

@hakune : OH MY GOD!! your steve *holds chest* I just love him so much. you write so well and your passion for our boy comes through so clearly. i love reading your threads and just watching you interact on the dash is a blast. keep up the good work, fellow steve.

@madebythejungle : you are so fucking talented, wtf? to take such a cool and interesting character and just explode him into life is so impressive. i love reading your stuff whenever i come across it on the dash. one day i’ll get up the courage to actually come say hi, but until then have this little thank you. thank you for making my dash that much better.

[thiefking]

Do every single one from the danganronpa ask meme. All of them. Every question

HE HE HE…

obviously spoilers for entire danganronpa series under the cut, along with very specific character hate, a TINY dash of ship “hate” which should not be taken seriously, me being indifferent about characters you might like, and also me being fairly morbid. my opinions are all over the place! boy do i have a lot of them. some of them probably won’t be yours, because people can have opinions. all kinds of em! fascinating stuff. please oh please, let this post not somehow make someone start arguing with me because i didn’t put a thousand asterisks everywhere

1. Favourite game?

sdr2 is the best just like factually speaking

2. Favourite Protagonist?

i tried to answer this and my answers were “komaeda. wait he isn’t-- KIRIGIRI! wait no” so there’s that. i like all of them though

3. Favourite antagonistic character?

i assume this means the Rival characters right... i like komaeda and ouma. in my danganronpa rp server, i had my oc rob and also humiliate and cyberbully togami, and drew a squirtle on his stupid bald head because hagakure asked him to, so there’s that

if antagonistic also covers the characters who are murderers + masterminds/villains, then... ok gonna be real here? there’s only one character i am familiar with who i know i hate and it’s t*ruteru

4. Favourite character?

entire sdr2 cast (except t*ruteru), most of the dr1 cast (hifumi is gross, i don’t honestly care either way about leon or sayaka, and for clarification i like togami as a character but dislike him as a person), most of the v3 cast (i haven’t actually played v3 yet and once i do it’s probably gonna be more like all of them or all of them except one. i do know the general plot and characters, it’s just that i get way more emotionally invested when i actually play the game)

5. Best girl?

don’t you go making me choose...

6. Best boy?

the same as above except the answer is komaeda and we should all hurry up and acknowledge this

7. Favourite class trial from all the games?

i have multiple favourites but because it was the first one i thought of, i’m gonna give kudos to the third trial in sdr2. it was especially interesting because the murderer seemed obvious if you only took in the basic facts, but when you know what kind of person mikan is, it seems completely preposterous that she’d do such a thing-- which makes the solving of it all the more DELICIOUS... oh it was so good i loved it... the whole time i kept searching and searching for any answer other than mikan and coming up with nothing, and knowing that, i knew that it had to be her, but i couldn’t fathom the why and that alone was enough to keep me in doubt for ages... the very end when she starts to break down eliminated my doubt but my questions of “why” only increased tenfold and it made it even MORE delectable i fucking LOVE puzzle’s and mystery’s

8. Least favourite character?

i am physically incapable of summoning empathy for t*ruteru even with his sad backstory. i hope they tossed him in another volcano after the dr3 anime was over

9. Least favourite class trial?

i actually legit keep putting off playing v3 because i know who dies first and it makes me so mad

10. What would be your Ultimate SHSL Title?

HMM... i think i’d be a shsl ??? which i understand isn’t a real title but like... that’s sort of just... how it’d be, considering my personality and the existing characters i kin... later would be the reveal of my actual title, though i’m not too sure what it’d be myself. probably something like shsl detective, shsl writer/storybuilder, shsl puzzle/mystery enthusiast, shsl kinner of mysterious smart autistic bishies with pretty hair and ptsd... something along those lines

11. Favourite cast?

sdr2. next

12. Favourite Danganronpa 3 character?

the teacher, the large gay bodyguard guy, the small gay animator guy, and the chick who komaeda went to for his constipation issues

i don’t remember any of their names

13. What’s your opinion on the Danganronpa 3 anime?

forgettable but the parts with sdr2 kids’ school life is blessed and so is the happy ending

14. What do you think about Danganonpa 1 anime?

i saw it when it first came out and not once since. i will probably not watch it again because i prefer a more hands-on mystery-solving experience, even when i already know the answers

15. Your absolute OTP?

OUMAMI!!!!!!!!!!! IS CANON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

also komahina good

16. Your absolute BROTP?

sdr2 cast is all best friends. some of them are also dating but most importantly, they are all friends

17. Do you have an OT3? Which one?

i probably do but i can’t think of any serious business ones because i’m too busy thinking about a ship that came from rp called “horsepack” that consists of souda/momota/hinata

18. Favourite rare ship?

okay get ready for this: fuyuhiko/chihiro

it came to me in a dream once. fuyuhiko was like yo chihiro check this out and he showed her a box with a bunch of mice in there and she was like :O! and then the two of them just like. took handfuls of mice and hung out like that. it was good. 

the laws of shipping fuyuhiko and chihiro are these: fuyuhiko is a trans boy and bi, chihiro is a trans girl and also bi, and they have to hold handfuls of mice together at some point

19. Who do you think is an underrated character?

i refuse to acknowledge the fandom for long enough to notice which characters are classified as underrated for the most part because i live in my own brain palace where i can love every character and that is all that matters. that being said, i think it is fairly obvious that hoshi from v3 is underrated just... factually speaking? people do not pay attention to him very much it seems but it also seems he is a good little man. i know little about him, but that is the technical definition of underrated, so that is my answer i guess

20. Who do you think is an overrated character?

again i don’t know if he even IS overrated in the fandom but i think leon is kinda boring. i don’t hate him or even dislike him necessarily because i don’t... care enough about his character for that... i could probably be influenced by someone who is passionate about him, but right now he’s just kind of      existing

21. Favourite voice actor?

megumi ogata snatched me bald. megumi ogata didn’t even leave me with my scalp

22. Favourite talent?

shsl luck is a neat concept to play with, shsl adventurer is flat out aesthetically Pristine, shsl detective is fun, and shsl ??? is delicious and interesting even if it’s not a real title

23. Favourite mascot?

my brother got me a monokuma plushie for my birthday and the first thing i did was choke it. also, monokuma is hilarious and i hate his slutty little ass but love to watch it go, which is the same opinion i have about dimple from mp100

also, i’m really sleepy writing this and i don’t know what the fuck i am saying right now

24. Favourite Monokub?

i haven’t played v3 and i already know the answer is none

25. Least favourite mascot?

none probably? maybe?

26. Favourite execution?

okay this question INVITES morbidity so. like. i get to be morbid.

the ones that make me laugh the most are celestia’s and (look i was very sad but i can explain) alter ego’s because ... when i see them i can’t stop thinking about two specific vines. celestia’s execution is funny on its own but when i think about this fucking vine it gets worse and HERE. LOOK. I LOVE ALTER EGO BUT THIS MAKES ME GO HAM

the most brutal and ultimately chilling? leon’s, by far. it was EXTREMELY well done and sets the tone for the game so well

the one i like because the character deserved it? gee i wonder if it might be t*ruteru’s just can’t tell

and then there is only one that fills me with a sort of mysterious, enigmatic emotion-- very strong, but indescribable and neither positive nor negative. junko’s. really, junko in general elicits this emotion from me, she’s very interesting. what an excellent villain

27. Least favourite execution?

gonta didn’t deserve that and he definitely didn’t deserve such a weird-ass fuckin execution either

28. Favourite unused execution?

i don’t know any actually El oh el

29. Which character should survived in your opinion?

rantaro and ouma actually ARE alive and v3 is fake

oh also... all the characters i like. those ones should have lived

30. Which character would’ve deserved to survive?

hey i dunno how this question is different to the last one so i’m just gonna say that actually, you know how in sdr2 everyone is in a virtual reality and they’re shsl despairs being cured? the same is true in v3 and izuru also revives all the v3 kids. this is fact, and kodaka signed the rights to danganronpa over to me

31. Is there a character you think who shouldn’t have survived but did?

t*ruteru

also, realistically? like not because i dislike him. the opposite is true, i like him a lot. just realistically speaking. the fact that souda somehow survived sdr2 without dying seems almost unrealistic, not because anyone would have killed him but because he’s a dumbass

32. Least favourite protagonist?

none

33. Character with the best clothing?

take a wild kinnie guess

34. Best character design?

celestia, sakura, chihiro, sonia, gundham, gonta, touko, korekiyo, kirumi, chiaki, and junko

and once more, take a wild kinnie guess

35. A character who should’ve got more character development?

all of them lol

36. Character who looks amazing but you don’t like?

i mean. junko sucks as a person, does that count even though junko as a Character and villain is immensely interesting to me 

37. Favourite minor character?

komaeda’s pet dog

38. Favourite eyes?

*kinnie answer*

39. Smartest murder plan?

once again, while it’s really obvious the most likely culprit is mikan, the DRASTIC contrast between her personality and the concept of murder ITSELF, let alone the way she went about it, is enough to cause some pretty goddamn severe doubt, though not enough for her to get away with it

actually all the murder plans from mikan’s onwards were really smart and very fun to solve

40. Favourite culprit?

(i count sakura and komaeda as victims, not culprits, and kaede and chiaki are also excluded)

culprit who as a character i just love dearly: gundham

culprit who made things the most interesting: gundham, mikan

culprit who offed a character i didn’t like: celestia

41. Person you’ve never expected to become a culprit but they became? (Doesn’t include Chiaki)

mikan, gundham, and... junko probably counts, eh?

42. Honest opinion on Tsumugi Shirogane?

she’d have a really bad twitter account with a smug anime girl icon and do nothing but post just the worst tweets about the worst anime. she watches sword art online and thinks it’s a masterpiece

43. Describe Monaca Towa in 3 words!

didn’t play drae

44. Describe Nagito Komaeda in 3 words!

kin me id

45. Unpopular opinion?

komaeda doesn’t deserve to be treated the way y’all treat him and i wish you BEASTS would treat him with any decency considering he’s actually a very interesting character but no y’all just gotta treat him like a meme. fingers in his ass isn’t even funny, man... it’s really not... it’s like the epitome of Haha Sans Undertale Cringe Epic XD why don’t you calm down and find a real jokes

46. Unpopular headcanon?

all of my headcanons are popular in my brain palace, so actually i don’t have any unpopular ones

47. A headcanon you have about a character?

i have a lot but i’ll pick just one... uhhhh oh how about this fuyuhiko and nidai are both trans men and fuyuhiko is a lil jealous/Self Conches because nidai passes better than him but nidai is actually extremely supportive of fuyuhiko and validates him every time they see each other and they become buddies

also, nidai runs warriormale

48. Favourite OST?

sdr2 island 5 theme

also enjoy the intro theme, dr1′s execution & hangman’s gambit themes and... like, a LOT of the music in general. excited on the Stonecold Jam front for v3 that’s for sure

49. Favourite mini game?

i assume this means the in-trial minigames....? i actually kinda like logic dive especially because it also happens in ace attorney which is hilarious to me, also the end comic thing? but that one is less about the minigame and more about the ART STYLE they use for it... it’s so nice

50. Favourite game design?

you know the bonus parts where it’s basically just a dating game and nothing bad happens? ign 10/10

51. Character you thought you were gonna dislike but loved in the end?

i can’t really remember, probably ouma just because i saw him and was like “oh god his hardcore stans are gonna be terrible aren’t they” but turns out he’s my little rat baby and his boyfriend is rantaro

52. Character you thought you would like but disliked in the end?

t*ruteru... what a disappointing little wretch...

53. Favourite game end?

sdr2 because everyone lives

54. Least favourite game end?

v3 is fake, refer to my above True Facts about how it’s actually in reality sdr2 again

55. Favourite love hotel scene?

i haven’t played v3

that being said i like how rantaro’s isn’t even remotely sexual or even that romantic at all but if i went into my rantaro headcanons/analyses that’d take way too long, also i’m only halfway through this thing and it has taken forever and i am so very sleepy

56. Best free time events?

basically all the sdr2 ones but ESPECIALLY komaeda fuyuhiko and gundham, i haven’t done the dr1 ones yet..., also rantaro’s

57. Character who should’ve lived longer?

rantaro

58. V3 Pregame! headcanon?

I THOUGHT THIS ONE SAID PREGNANT

59. Favourite moment?

EVERYONE GO AMUSEMENT PARK AND BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!

60. Saddest moment?

danganronpa existing

61. Character who looks like the love child of ???

this one is dumb and i’m starting to rush this because i wanna go to bed and play acnl til i pass out. also rantaro, n harmonia and kirumi are siblings in an alternate universe

62. Describe Mikan Tsumiki in 3 words!

good lovely wonderful

63. Describe Kyoko Kirigiri in 3 words!

good lovely wonderful

64. Which character seemed like they were gonna be a culprit but they wasn’t?

“but they wasn’t”...

fuyuhiko is my answer

65. Who did you never expected to die but they died?

when i saw komaeda’s body discovery my mouth was legitimately agape and i just sat there staring for a few seconds

66. Describe the last trial from V3 in 3 words!

didn’t play yet

67. Which character would you never want to meet in real life?

are you fucking kidding me have you PLAYED danganronpa even amongst the characters i love are ones i literally could not physically or mentally handle being around in real life for extended periods of time. if nidai came up to me screaming about shitting i’d cower like a tiny trembling mouse

68. Which character would you like to meet in real life?

sakura oogami... i can trust her

69. Choose one character which you would take with you on a trip.

sakura oogami again because i get tired easy and she can just like... carry me if my legs get bad

70. Character you would have a sleepover with?

chiaki, chihiro, naegi, sonia, gundham, gonta, twogami. silly but not overwhelming and the perfect crew for some video game fun

71. Character you can relate to?

komaeda rantaro we been knew

72. Character you can relate to but you dislike them?

i’m just gonna start responding to the questions i have no answer to with things i made in blender by mixing animations/textures or just fucking with the models to incredible results

73. Character who deserved better?

this is a funny joke question since the answer is obviously god damn near all of them

74. What do yo think of Hiyoko Saionji?

i like her. little gremlin girls are good

75. Describe Gonta Gokuhara in 3 words!

baby boy. baby

76. Favourite research lab?

77. What do you think of the fandom?

it was hell in 2013 and i know without a doubt it’s still hell now but i have the wisdom to avoid it

78. Favourite random/unnecessary scene?

part in dr3 anime where the sdr2 kids play video games in class together

79. Which character has the cutest design?

chihiro is just a little baby ...

80. Hope or Despair?

hope

81. Could you be the Ultimate Lucky Student?

my boyfriend gets mad at me almost every time i send him a screenshot of one of my 10/10+1 pulls in bandori or sif

82. Favourite chapter?

sdr2. just, sdr2. also final chapters of dr1

83. Least favourite chapter?

84. Which character do you easily forget?

mahiru... also it’s weird like. she was put in the game As a tsundere, but whenever i read her Tsundere lines it genuinely feels out of character for her, even though she’s literally in her source material. it’s strange

85. Could you be a Dangan Protag? Why?

no, because i’m WAY better suited to the mysterious assistant character who actually knows what the hell is going on way ahead of the protag lmao

86. Favourite Anthology chapter?

i don’t know if i should know what this means or not SO

87. Describe Peko Pekoyama in 3 words!

good lovely wonderful

88. Describe Mondo Oowada in 3 words!

domestic bakery au

(just think about it. just a little bread shop that he and ishimaru run as husbands. chihiro helps out there)

89. Least favourite Danganronpa 3 character?

i don’t think i managed to end up liking the guy with white hair despite dr3′s best efforts

90. Do you like Junko?

yes she’s interesting

91. What do you think of Monokuma?

he’s funny and i hate that he is. he sucks, but he’s great

92. Least favourite Monokub?

93. Did you like the Monokubs?

haven’t even played v3 but the answer is no. some freak in a server i was in cemented this dislike

94. Did you like the Warriors of Hope?

i am so fucking tired and it’s been like almost a year since i last played any danganronpa game i don’t know what this means

95. What do you think of Gundham Tanaka?

he’s perfect and looking at him fills me with happiness

96. Who’s an overrated character you dislike?

(i didn’t make this one but i was partly responsible for its existence also looking at it makes my fucking sanity drop like looking at the grunt for too long in amnesia)

97. Overrated ship which is your NOTP?

sai*uma is fake, oumami is canon and also, rantaro would treat ouma right and actually put forth effort to understand him

98. Outfit you dislike?

tenko honey i’m sorry but what on earth is with that skirt... also gonta please put some shoes on

99. Your absolute NOTP?

komaeda/any woman but especially junko what is wrong with people

100. Opinion on all the Protagonists!

[undxunted]

out of BAZARI + GABE + MIKKY + ELI+ THEO + AARON + ROMEO, rank the most-to-least likely to... ╭〻◕`w´◕〻╮ visit an art museum? donate to a panhandler? unironically enjoy reading/watching a love story whether they admit it out loud of not? graduate as valedictorian in a situation where they all went to a standard high school? solve a math problem faster than the other two? hold a petty grudge? recognize annona bright in public? pass out in a public place? drop acid? break a heart? punch a wall?

WOW. I have like two people in this goddamn site who know about my characters and I think I know who sent this. For practical purposes, I will use the BrightLights rp!AU for Zach, Mikky and Riley. Anyways, back to business:

Visit an art museum: 

Zach

Romeo

Eli

Gabe

Aaron

Basil

Riley

Theo

Mikky.

Zach is the son of two serial killers who were absolutely obsessed with art, design and perfection. He has a very well trained mind regarding the artistic area and considers himself an expert, even though the only strong artistic abilities he possesses are music and theater ( he loves theater ). There’s nothing interesting to say about the rest.

Donate to a panhandler:

Riley

Zach

Aaron

Eli

Gabe

Basil

Mikky

Romeo

Theo

Riley grew up in a very very poor family and knows about struggle. Very few extended him a hand when he and his family needed it and seeing someone go through the same makes him feel ( surprisingly ) bad. Zach is ridiculously kind, Aaron is involved with the church, Gabe is the middle point between kindness and personal interest in this list. Basil hang around horrible places because unlike what people think, the powerful people are below, not above. Romeo probably thinks panhandlers are a myth since he barely uses his own feet to move from one place to another and he is dropped right at the front of red carpets. Theo is just a prick who sees the rest of the world as scum.

Unironically enjoy reading/watching a love story whether they admit it out loud of not?: 

Eli

Gabe

Aaron

Mikky

Zach

Riley

Romeo

Theo

Basil

Eli is a HUGE teddy bear, the only one who is actually looking to become fully good and change his life around. He is secretly very cheesy and probably the only of the list who is not afraid to speak about feelings. Basil on the other hand is painfully cold and neutral, at one point I even thought he was aromantic, but he ended developing a huge crush on his current girlfriend at the group. Still, he is learning how to deal with feelings and how to express them.

Graduate as valedictorian in a situation where they all went to a standard high school?:

Basil

Gabe

Romeo

Theo

Riley

Aaron

Eli

Zach

Mikky

Even due Basil’s cold personality, he knows his way around people and he is also very smart. He wasn’t born with a ridiculous amount of brains like Riley, but he was always very witty and intuitive, aside of extremely scholarly and capable of noticing details that others would usually oversee. This helped him to get to the top of the list. Dangerously close, there’s Gabe, but since he has this weird vibe, not all teachers trusted him at all. Riley could have won, because he has an uncanny intelligence (think of any of the Holmes), but he is too lazy and too much of a curious and party guy, so he spends his time in the detention room alongside Eli and Mikky. Eli is a big Gryffindor who is always getting in petty fights, Mikky is just a yandere witch trying to sleep with all the teachers. Zach doesn’t have very good grades, except for History of Art and Aaron is a fucking hypocrite nobody really tolerates, but ironically, this fanatic child of mine hangs a lot with Mikky because she is the only one who can stand him. Theo is a golden boy, but he stabbed a guy with a pencil once, so nobody really trusts him much anymore and Romeo would be the perfect valedictorian, but he probably missed a point or two in a class while flirting with the cheerleaders.

Solve a math problem faster than the other two?:

Riley

Theo

Basil

Eli

Gabe

Romeo

Aaron

Zach

Mikky

Riley is my smart boy, anything you can do, he can do better. He is a fucking mess with a short attention span ( and interest ) but he can solve anything math-y in seconds. Prolly Theo and Basil follow him next, even though Riley already solved 3 problems while the other two are finishing the first one. Mikky simply wouldn’t do it, she is too pretty and goth for that.

Hold a petty grudge?: Are you kidding me? Literally all my characters can’t let shit go and that’s why they are the way they are.

Basil

Gabe

Riley

Theo

Mikky

Aaron

Romeo

Zach

Eli

Basil murdered his little sister out of vengeance against his mother. Gabe is… well, you know, he thinks he is an angel and must punish men for their bad deeds. If Riley is fooled, lied or tricked, oh boy, you are in BIG trouble. From there, the rest are mostly petty bitches. Eli is the most calm one unless you get to piss him off which is hard, but careful if you do.

Recognize Annona Bright in public?:

Gabe

Theo

Mikky

Zach

Basil

Romeo

Eli

Aaron

Riley

The heir, socialite and also horror fan? ( all my kids are horror fans, tho ), he is a big fan of Annona and wouldn’t miss a chance to meet her. He probably tried to flirt with her A LOT. Theo is a sadist and most likely has had HORRIBLE fantasies with her he would love to bring out of his dreams. Mikky likes the feminine representation in the industry and loves her wardrobe.

Pass out in a public place?:

Theo

Aaron

Zach

Eli

Riley

Mikky

Romeo

Basil

Gabe

Theo is a drama queen, either real or not, if passing out gives this obnoxious bastard the required attention, he will do it. Aaron is that guy that screams like a girl when he is startled or scared and even though he is starting his own cult, seeing dirty stuff would make him pass out. Zach sometimes gets heavy headaches ( in both the Plath and Bright Lights verses ) and this can knock him down. Basil is a doctor so usually can sense if it is going to happen and find a safe place to do it or call someone before it happens. Gabe is a diva who wouldn’t be allowed to be seen weak in public.

Drop acid?:

Romeo

Riley

Mikky

Theo

Eli

Gabe

Aaron

Zach

Basil

Romeo is a rich party boy. He likes having fun spending lots of money, even if that includes drugs for everyone. Riley was in a cage for 18 years ( he is 23 in the current verses, I should update that ), so now he was to experience it all. Zach is a prude and wouldn’t really do it unless the peer pressure is too much. Basil thinks drugs are stupid.

Break a heart?: HA!

Romeo

Riley

Theo

Mikky

Gabe

Aaron

Zach

Eli

Basil

Romeo and Riley like to collect “pets” aka people they can use whenever they want and then dump them just to go after them when they get bored again. Eli is too much of a good person to do that and Basil is not someone you crush on?? And even if that happened, he would get sure the pop the bubble really quick because he has no time for stupid feelings or whatsoever.

Punch a wall?:

Zach

Riley

Eli

Aaron

Theo

Romeo

Mikky

Gabe

Basil

Zach and Riley are the most impulsive ones. They can snap quickly with the correct trigger, that’s why in their brotherhood, Basil is also the one who calms them down, he barely shows any real emotion and after being a crybaby in his childhood years, he learned how to shut himself down. Eli’s feelings are very strong and as your stereotypical Gryffindor, his own ego and pride get in the way sometimes.

[catlover7722]

Mondo Owada x OC: Differences

(I just got into Danganronpa recently and over all Mando has been my favorite character! I’m on Wattpad if you want to know more about my character, she’s in my Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc Rp book. Also feel free to message me if you want to Rp as well! I preferred if you did over Wattpad but on here is fine too! Also no spoilers, I have not watched any of the anime’s and I have not played V3 yet!!)

Italic is background stuff (feel free to skip over! I won’t mind!)

All character in this are 18+

Trigger Warnings!: Cussing, Angst, Major Character death, killing, talk about past neglectful/mental abusive home life, and a bit of suggestive conversation

SPOILERS ARE GONNA BE IN THIS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Hayami POV

Okay, today couldn’t get any worst. All I remember is my past and getting accepted into Hopes Peak Academy where every has a skill that makes them the best of the best. I am one of those students. I am known as the Ultimate Girlfriend, but of course that not my actual ultimate because no one needs to know what it really is. No one know beside me, not even him. Mondo Owada, a very angry yet respectful guy, was my childhood best friend and still is my best friend. He did not know because he’d just pity me about it.

I guess you all don’t know me that well so I guess I will tell you, if you even care. My name is Hayami Ahma, I was conveniently born on June 10th the day after Mondo’s at the very same hospital. You could say it was fate that we would have a perfect childhood together playing in the front yard but you’d be completely and utterly wrong. My parents never cared about me, just drugs and getting high every single night since I was three. I ran away multiple times when I was four after being taken away, taking hours to get to Mondo’s childhood home to see him, of course his parents would freak the fuck out but I didn’t care.

Social Workers would just come back and get me knowing exactly where I was. I stayed in a foster home with two foster mothers who loved all their foster children. They tried multiple times to adopt me but they were denied each time then they sent me to another home closer to Mondo’s house. These foster parents would call me weak, ugly, and unlovable. I heard that for five years until enough was enough and ran away when I was fifteen years old to his home. Around this time, Daiya was an adult and had a arrangement with them that I’d stay with them. That was the best day in my entire life.

Of course that didn’t last a long time, I started to date around freshman year to just feel love in a different way besides a family one. They all started to invite me to stay with them at their homes and I accept but I always stayed in touch with Mondo and his older brother. I often went to gang races and was flag girl once in a while. That when rumors started to go around with her and Mondo’s relationship being more than best friends. I definitely did like Mondo more than a best friend but I would never say that to him because of how close we were. I knew better to ruin this relationship.

Well one day, I got a late night call from him which worried me. I didn’t attend Daiya’s retirement ceremony because it was a three month anniversary day for me and a ultimate I was dating at the time. Mondo was sobbing and all I did was shot up from where I was sitting rushing to know what wrong. All Mondo told me was that Daiya was dead because Daiya got reckless in a race with Mondo. I immediately packed my things and moved back in with Mondo. I broke off the relationship I was in and focused on Mondo mental health with him. I just need him to be happy for Daiya and I.

During Junior year was gonna be a year I wanted him to thing about the future and his well being. I tried, like really tried, to help him confess to girls he liked. Of course, he got nervous and yelled at them. That bummed him out a lot and of course I had some fun ‘having chats’ with those girls. I maybe be short and petite looking but I work out with Mondo all the time. When you work out with him, it’s either go all out or get out. Then that’s when we got our letter from Hope Peak Academy. I was put down as my true Ultimate which made me hid my letter from him and anyone. That’s how we got here, how we got into this big mess.

*Couples hours later*

Mondo and I were in an empty classroom. I had to make sure he cooled off before we talked to anyone else. He just punched that Makoto kid into next year which was kinda dramatic on Mondo’s part. He paced back and forth cursing to himself as I sat there on the desk crossing my legs. He stopped and sighed “This is so fucking irratating! I don’t want to kill anyone!” He yelled. I nodded “I know, we don’t have to but we will have to worry about everyone around us too. I just trust you and only you until you give me a chance not to. I hope you can say that same thing for me” I said. Mondo sighed and puts his hand on his hips “Is that even a doubt? Of course I trust you. Both of us are in this together. We’ll get out together” he spoke. I slid off the desk and walked to the door “We play nice and get out of here without killing” I said and slid the door open “We both got a lot to fight for and more we need to do to get out of here” I added on then walked out. Mondo must’ve thought about it before catching up with me quickly.

*A couple day’s later*

I spent the night in Mondo’s room which wasn’t weird for us because we live in the same house and had sleepovers all the time so us in the same room wasn’t uncommon. Someone was pounding on the door when we woke up. Mondo woke up first annoyed that someone was knocking because I heard him groan. He was sleeping on the floor, that had a bunch of blankets on the ground so it was some what comfortable, next to the bed which is where I was sleeping, even though I told him I’d sleep on the floor because this was his room. Mondo got up and went to the door, I heard Taka voice boom through the room which make me jump awake. I looked over at the door to see Taka standing in the room almost petrified that I was there. I got up annoyed “What, Taka?” I asked. Taka tried to process everything “O-Oh I just was waking up for the Breakfast Meeting. Now I know why you didn’t answer your door! Do you both know this is unacceptable behavior?!” He yelled. Mondo sighed “Dude, we’re basically like siblings. We live in the same goddamn house” Mondo explained annoyed at him. I nodded “I need to get dressed. Excuse me” I said and pushed past them both going to my room to change into a new outfit so I could wash my other one.

After getting dressed, I got to the dining hall and sit down next to Celeste. Her and I have been hanging out a couple for times because Mondo was either annoying me or he was hanging out with Makoto, which was kinda weird but whatever. I listen to whatever we needed to talk about. We all finished breakfast and went are separate ways. I went to look around for Celeste totally forgetting where she said she’d be if I wanted to hang out for a game of card or something. I accidentally ran into Byakuya, he was way different then everyone there. He was arrogant, secretive, and just plain rude. He looked at me “You ran into me, how stupid can you be not to pick your head up?” He asked.

I looked at him kinda shocked he said that to me “Okay, well I was gonna say sorry but I don’t think you deserve that luxury Mr. The-Whole-World-Revolves-Around-Me. Talk to me like that again and I’ll knock your rich ass out” I said without hesitation then walked away. I could feel the angry in his eyes in the back of my head as I walked. I walked in the main hall and saw Celeste there. We sat down on the floor and she taught me how to play some non gambling games. She won every round we played but it was still fun. Night time came around and we all started to prepare for staying in our rooms. I was in the kitchen grabbing two apples for Mondo and I. I saw Sayaka come in then walk out which didn’t phase me. I was about to leave when a certain someone blocked my path

Byakuya was standing there against the door with his arms crossed “What are you doing?” He asked. I looked at him “Getting an apple for my friend and I. Do you care?” I asked sarcastically. He chuckled “Listen, I know your used to things going your way because of your talent but remember this. You’re nothing and will be nothing because your so insignificant. You will grow old, get uglier or fatter, and die alone with people who have no memory of you” he said to me with no hesitation. That hit very hard and close to home. I stood there then pushed him out of my way heading to Mondo’s room quickly and quietly. He was already in there sitting on a chair. He looked at me and got up.

I stood there shaking a little in anger. Mondo went to me quickly “You okay?” He asked worriedly. I stood there and nodded then sighed “Byakuya, he’s a jerk that’s all. Don’t worry about” I said calming down. I went towards the table but he grabbed my arm gently “What did he say? Don’t just shrug it off like you did back when you fiveteen. We both know your a bad faker” he said. I looked at Mondo in his eyes “I’m fine. I’m gonna stay in my room, lock your door” I said and takes his hand off my arm. He looked down at me and grabbed my free hand.

I looked up at him and he holds my hand tightly “Hayami I-I ne-“ he started to say then the announcement for nighttime came on. We both watched it until it turned off. I looked down and sighed “I need to go. We can talk in the morning” I said. Mondo lets go of my hand “Yeah, I’ll come wake you up. Lock your door for me please” he said. I nodded “Goodnight” I said.

I walked out and walked towards my room weirdly passing Leon going the opposite way. I looked back at him then looked forward. I quickly went to my room and locked it behind me.

*A few days after the first class trial*

Leon, Junko, and Sayaka were dead. It seemed like stuff were calming down. Well it was definitely tense but none of us were killing each other. I head towards the dining hall trying to find Mondo so we could go to sleep until I saw Mondo, Makoto, and Taka going into the bath house. Well, in reality it was Mondo and Taka dragging Makoto to the bath house. Curiousity took over me and I followed them into the bath house. I went in and saw Makoto standing outside the Sauna, with a worried expression, looking in the tiny window. I went up behind him “What are you doing?” I asked

Makoto yelped and looked at me “Oh geez! You scared me!” He said and I puts my hands on my hips then looked in the window. I widened my eyes seeing Mondo, fully clothed, and Taka, who was just in a bath towel, in the a very hot Sauna. I sighed almost in disbelief and disappointment “Those boys are idiots. Mondo can’t stand the heat as much as he says he can” I said and Makoto looked at me “O-Oh yeah, I keep forgetting that you and Mondo are like best friends. How was growing up with that?” He asked me. I looked at him “It was interesting, I won’t deny that but he’s not a bad guy. I had to adjust with his motivation of pushing yourself to your max but I love companion. I remember lifting more than him but that was only one time in the beginning of working out with him. I can’t now because of separate locker rooms. I wouldn’t want anyone else as my best friend” I explained it. Makoto nodded and we watch them

*Couple hours later*

I was sitting in Mondo’s room on his bed. I left them a few minutes after Makoto did. I sighed and got up about to go see if they were okay until Mondo came in all happy. I looked at him and crossed my arms. His hair was wet so guess he took a bath there after the Sauna with I was greatful of. I looked at him “Your lucky I didn’t come get you two. I would’ve kick both of your asses” I said. Mondo chuckled “Yea, sorry. We’re all good now. Why’d you stay up?” He asked as we both sat down.

“I was worried! You had it all the way it could go” I said. Mondo laid down his feet still on the ground “Don’t worry, besides Makoto and you go all buddy buddy with him” he said almost bitterly. I tsked and got up “He wanted to know what we were” I said and crossed my arms “Is that a problem?” I asked him. Mondo sat up “Actually, hell yeah it is! What if he’s planning to kill you or me?! How would you feel if I was dead?! Do you know how would I feel if you were dead?!” He yelled. I was thankful for soundproof rooms now because him yelling would wake up everyone. I glared “You have no idea how hurt I would be. I get we said we’d trust each other but I’m allowed to trust other people” I said angrily.

Mondo glared right back “Yeah, I just love seeing my best friend fucking around with dude’s who don’t give two fucks about her!” He yelled. I stood there and laughed painfully “Sorry they made me feel something I never had. I didn’t have a family who cared Mondo! Actually my parents wanted me fucking dead then actually gave a shit!” I yelled back “Don’t play that fucking card! My brother is dead and I fucking had him die my arms!” Mondo yelled right back. This yelling back and forth lasted for a while. Hurtful words left both are mouths until I ran out crying leaving him in his room crying too.

*Evening Time the next day*

Mondo and I avoid each other that day. I hung out with Sakura and Hina. Hina bugged me a lot but I didn’t mind because they both could feel that I was upset. I was sitting with Celeste and the two girls while Mondo was on the other end of the table with Taka and the boys except for Byakuya. I sat there picking at my food while the girls talked. I wasn’t that hungry and I could feel Mondo’s eyes on me but I had to ignore him. An announcement came on calling us all the gym. We all got up and went to the gym.

Monokuma had another motive for us. This was ones that was super good. Secrets or embarrassing memories would be revealed to everyone if no one killed in twenty-four hours. I opened my envelope and saw what he had wrote.

‘Hayami Ahma says she the Ultimate Girlfriend, but her true identity it the Ultimate Loner’

I widen my eyes. I stood there and immediately stuffed it on my pockets. I looked around as they said about sharing them all of them districted with each other. I snuck out and went to the girls locker room. I stayed there and ignored the announcement. I heard someone come in and I looked at them. I saw Hina there and she went to me. She sat down next to me “Hey, everyone is worried. They went to bed but I couldn’t sleep with you alone somewhere” she said. I saw she was holding a paper. I thought that was weird and I checked my pockets feeling my secret gone. I got up quickly “You were trying to steal my secret!” I yelled. She got up too “No! I found it on the floor and accidentally saw what was inside but I swear I didn’t share it!” She said and turned her back to me. Then everything went to a big blur.

*Few hours later*

It was morning. I was standing by the pool, my clothes wet. I did the unthinkable and I can’t remember. I fell to my knees cold from the water. I heard someone come in and gasp “Hayami!” The voice said. I looked and see Sakura running to me. She looked at me and looked at the pool. I looked at her “Someone tried to drown me, I passed out and woke up. A duffle bag is at the bottom of the pool” I said. Sakura nodded and heard Kyoko speak up almost like she had appeared “Let’s get it” she said. Then like right on cue, the body discovery announcement came on. Sakura widen her eyes and I got up “I’ll get it since I’m already wet” I said.

With no protests, I got in and dove under getting it. Sakura helped me pull it up and we look at it. At this time, Byakuya had came in and yelled at the boys to get the others and get in here. Once everyone got there, Kyoko opened the bag. There laying was Hina lifeless body. I stand there shivering until someone wrapped a towel around me which I knew was Mondo knowing that it was his hands. I started to cry and looked away. He held me tightly and we both left so the rest could investigate. I knew who did it, I was the blackened. I killed Hina because of the blind rage I had. I needed to just to make these last moments good or I’d leave this earth with many regrets.

Mondo and I got to my room. I changed while he waited outside of my room. We take my clothes to the laundry room so we could wash them and dry them. I sat down on the bench and looked down. He sat down next to me and we sat in silence for a bit. I looked down at my feet and tears up “Mondo, I’m sorry for what I said” I spoke up quickly. Mondo looked at me “I’m sorry too” he said and puts his hand on my knee. I looked at her and holds his hand gently “Mondo, I need to say something before it’s too late” I said and looked at him “What is it?” He asked.

I took a deep breath and looked at him “I like you a lot. Like more than a best friend. I know I said we were just best friends but I always wanted more than that” I explained. Mondo sat there with a blushing face and I looked away “That’s all, I understand if you don’t feel the same way” I added on. Mondo looked at me quickly “Hayami, I-“ he started then the announcement came on. The class trial was starting and we had to go. We both went to the door, I knew this was the last time we would hang out like this

*An hour later*

After a bunch of nonstop debate, they had pointed the finger at me. I stood there not saying much, Mondo argue with Makoto yelled and cursing how I didn’t do it. After that Makoto looked at me “Hayami, answer truthfully, did you kill Hina?” He asked. I looked up at him “Yes, I killed Hina” I said. People gasped and I sighed “Hina did nothing. I went in a rage and black out, I don’t remember anything. I did it” I said. Mondo stared at me in disbelief and I looked at everyone “Voting time, I guess” I said and smiled a little trying to hid the pain. Monokuma gladly let that happen and everyone voted. Monokuma laughed “You all right! Aoi Asahina was killed by Hayami Ahma!” He said. Mondo stood there angrily “Why?!” He yelled. I stood there then let out a breath

“I live in a sea of lies. I lie to get what I want or to manipulate all those around me. What I said to you in the laundry room was the first time I haven’t lied in a long time” I explained “Hina found out a lie I had inside myself and I lost it. That’s why” I added. I backed away from my place. Mondo started to tear up “T-That doesn’t explain anything! Your not a killer! What the fuck is this goddamn trial!” He yelled. I stood there and smile at him “I know but you will once your not blinded by who I was back them” I said “I guess it’s time for my punishment.”

Monokuma laughed again “Yes! I’ve prepared a very special punishment for Hayami Ahma, the Ultimate Loner!” He said then stood up smiling. Mondo watched me and looked at him “Goddamn it! Let her fucking live!” He screamed. Monokuma looked at him “Let’s give it everything we got! It’s Punishment Time!” He yelled. Mondo sobs there in front of everyone “Hayami!” He yelled.

Makoto’s POV

Monokuma dragged Hayami away to her punishment. Instead of us seeing it, it was on a screen. She was in a sorta vent. She seemed to be scared and at the end was a light. She widened her eyes and started to crawl towards it like something was there. I watch it thing I’d be fine but then as soon as she got close to it shut. Something shut behind her keeping her in place. She widen her eyes and it cut to the outside of it. Two lights were seen, a red and a green one that said on and off. It was off them it was turned on. The air started to vacum out and we all heard bang against the metal. It slowed down until it stopped completely.

We all stood there in silence until Monokuma turned it off and started to laugh “Wowy! What an exciting one! That took my breath away!” He said. Mondo was about to kill him right there before Taka helped him back with Sakura helping him. Mondo was definitely broken up about it. She lied to everyone about a lot but her last statement was undeniably the truth. That ended that trail and we all went back with the punishment on are minds. It was curel for anyone to go through.

[fastxandxtardy]

OOC: It’s been a long long time

Hey everyone. I’m so sorry I have been gone so long. I only just now managed to watch the Flash finale too. Which, omfg, I think it was a good thing that I waited so long for watching it because it made me feel even more depressed

I can’t promise I’ll be here regularly again but I’ll definitely try.

Things aren’t going so well. The more I learned, the more I started to realize that I don’t have an identity. It’s hard to explain but it feels as if some parts of my development stopped during my early teenage years. As if I’m only now going through puberty. It’s also fucking frightening and sometimes it’s just way too much. I feel at war with myself almost constantly. I was always unsure about what I wanted in life but I didn’t think it was that deep. I always had to take into account what others wanted from me in order to not get punished or hated. And after I got out of that abusive situation, I focused everything on trying to get a college degree without even knowing if that is what I want. Now I still don’t know what I want or need. It’s all question marks. I’m even questioning my lack of interest for intercourse. Maybe that’s because of me not having fully matured yet? I don’t know. Even the decision to never have children of myself. Right now I still stand by that decision, but what if that mother instinct kicks in when I’ve fully matured? By then it could be too late. Those are things I’m wondering about.

I also get angry. That is the most frightening of all. I don’t know how to cope with that feeling. Sure in the past I could get annoyed, but it was never worse than that. Or it was sadness instead. But now I feel real anger and hate and idk. Maybe I foolishly thought I was just too nice a person to have that feeling. I don’t know what to do with myself when I feel that. I can’t yell or something like that. I hate yelling. I always cringe when someone raises their voice in an angry manner, even if it’s not directed at me. So I wouldn’t be able to do it myself. I can try to write things down but I don’t know if that really helps.

I also have a very strong feeling like I don’t belong on this world. Or at least, not in this society. Maybe it’s also still because I haven’t fully matured yet. But my thinking, my logic, it’s just so different from other people. And the way this world functions... it just doesn’t work for me. My group members have said that I’m refreshingly naive and even unworldly but that for my own sake, I need to broaden my world so that the naivety fades. But I don’t know if I want that very last straw of myself - that I can still hold onto - to fade away too. Then there’s also the pain and emptiness I feel because of the past. Some part of me was broken and it doesn’t feel like it can be fixed. Sometimes that makes me feel really desperate. Those times it feels like things will never get better and that pain, that sorrow will keep returning my entire life. It makes you feel completely hopeless. The last time I felt that low, two weeks ago, I looked up information about ways to commit suicide. It’s never gotten that far before.

Afterwards, I was shocked of course. And the following quote also helped me to realize that and come to my senses again. “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” That really struck me. But I can’t say it’s entirely out of my mind now. It never is these days. There’s always the thought ‘I wish it could all end.’ Every single morning I think ‘Here we go again.’ Because the pain never seems to end. And it’s stupid things that can trigger it. When I see parents with their children, or hear my group members talking about their children. It aches. Every time I look at myself or fail at something, I can hear my step mother in my head mocking me. I’ve come to realize that the way I look at myself is the way she looked at me. My thoughts have molten together with hers during those 6 years. That’s what I also mean by having no identity. I can’t see myself because I look at myself through her eyes. And I don’t fucking know how to use my own eyes. That’s so damn frustrating. I KNOW all these things and can’t do fuck all about it.

Because of all that the therapeutic team has decided to let me stay longer. Normally my end date was 22 September but they can see I need longer. I need to come to terms though with the fact that all my problems can’t possibly be fixed in that time period. I need to give myself time. Something I have difficulty to accept because I’ve already given it 8 years time! When will it ever be enough? I’m just so tired of it sometimes. It’s exhausting.

I do my best with the therapies and all but it’s all theory. Easier said than done. Getting it into practice is what I’m still failing at. My fears too. Goddamn spider phobia. I was supposed to go home today. I did go home, and luckily my roommate decided to walk with me to come check my place to make me feel safer. Big fucking spider in my room of course. All that theory about how to deal with fears helped nothing in the face of danger. All the exposure exercises I already did... It changed nothing. I started panicking, crying, hyperventilating and cowering beneath my bed sheets while my roommate dealt with it. And I came back with her. I couldn’t stay there. Even though she killed it, there was no way I could have stayed there. I was soaking wet from the panic and looking red everywhere even an hour after. 

5 months and nothing changed. I don’t think it’s strange I’m losing hope here.

I’m not going to fully go into what I thought of the Flash finale. Other than a few highlights. Maybe I can go in more detail another day.

MY BARRY BETTER BE BACK BECAUSE DJFLSDJFDKSFJK > <  (I cried and sobbed and my roommate was shocked that a TV Show could have such an effect on me) and Savitar is a mean manipulative asshole! Goddamn it, I was totally buying him agreeing to getting help from team Flash. Barry and Iris were totally genuine about helping him! That was just so cruel! I was so so proud of Barry for taking the high road like that (inspired by Lenny omg!) I was like “Yes! That’s my baby!” and then that mean bastard! I sympathised with him! I was so ready to give him a second chance like Barry did because I BELIEVED him, and then he just went around and tried to kill everyone! (And screw him I was so digging the idea of Savitar wanting to change! If anyone ever wants to do something like that RP wise... hit me up ; ) or dark Savitar is fine too. I’m a sucker for Barry/Barry) And HR ;  ; like, I knew someone had to die but... fuck. That precious cinnamon roll. And just BARRY! I can’t even. He needs to come back okay. MY Barry. I’m now afraid that he’s going to be very different when he comes out of the Speedforce. I heard on YouTube that Grant said he’s going to be evolved or something. I really hope that doesn’t mean Barry won’t be Barry anymore. Barry is my baby. I love him being someone who tries to see the good in people. I love how he’s still trying to find out what kind of hero he wants to be and how far he’ll go when it comes to justice. That he’s willing to give even the villains second chances! Even if it doesn’t always turn out right... Like with this goddamn bastard Savitar! But it’s that same characteristic that made Barry able to see the good in Len too. And actually inspired Len to be a hero! It’s also that which made Eo somewhat conflicted when it comes to our Barry. He still very much hated the Flash, the one he knew in the future, but he obviously cared about Barry and realized he was different. Even going as far as to say the reason why he hated him didn’t matter anymore. (Yeah, I still miss S1 Eo. I’ll always keep missing him.) And to end the whole Barry thing, anyone can say whatever they want about Barry, but I will defend my baby until the end of times. He did not deserve that. This can NOT be his finish line. Stupid Speed Force.No one should have to be in there. You know what else is frustrating? I still had a lot of questions regarding Savitar. Guess I will never see those answered then.

I also watched Gotham and wow that... I mean, some things were so cliché, the whole virus thing. (although evil Lee was HOT - I mean whut > > ) it made my eyes roll. But then BRUCE nearly killing Alfred because of the conditioning that Shaman or whatever he was did to him. BARBARA finally getting roasted. Quite literally too. But holy shit, by Tabby! That was a shock. Where did that ship go so wrong? I never really warmed up to Babs... she was way too over the top for me and not in a good way like Jerome or the Riddler are. She had her great moments, but overal she was just annoying to me. And her acting like she was better than Tabitha? Uhm no. I actually liked their relationship before she got such a massive ego. And I didn’t particularly like Butch but the way she constantly bossed both of them around was really obnoxious. Batcat completely got killed too. (let’s hope it doesn’t last) And Nygmobblepot... like... I love Oswald. I adore him. God knows I shouldn’t. There’s just something about him that always makes me feel sorry for him and root for him. He’s always kind of been the underdog. But what he did now, when you think of it, is fucking creepy. Kinda disturbingly excitingly dark too, because of the whole extremely possessive aspect about it. The ‘If I can’t have you, no one can.’ thing and also ‘you’ll be mine one way or another’ vibe of it all. I don’t buy that he doesn’t have any feelings other than hatred for Ed anymore. Maybe not love right now, but definitely lust. I see that as more plausible a reason than “I want you around as a constant reminder to never make that mistake again.” for keeping him as a trophy. If he felt nothing for Ed at all anymore, he would have killed him and mounted his head on the wall or something. But no, he made the very conscious choice of leaving a way open to bring him back. Ed’s frozen with Fries’ formula, not dead, technically. Also Os’ “I’m fine for now.” indicates there is still a lot he plans on saying to him later. Once he feels that Ed has been punished sufficiently. And in a weird way they’ll be even then. Whether Ed will see it that way remains to be seen of course. But come on, Ed, you’ve both done horrible things! Either way I believe that Oswald never intends to keep him as a frozen centerpiece for his club forever. The acting was once more superb. Robin Lord Taylor always keeps amazing me.

Okay, by now I’ve been writing this post for several days already ^^' oops. While I didn’t like the horrible feeling the Flash finale gave me because of what they did to Barry, I am glad I watched it so that I could finally come on here again. I missed you guys <3 Things won’t go back to the way they were - yet - but I’ll try to visit occasionally. I hope you’re all doing fine!

[commedias]

1, 101

random numbers munday meme (currently accepting)  (long post tw)

            1.  who is your favorite muse to rp?  —  i love this question tbh, and i feel like this might come as a shock to some people given that i haven't been using him in threads as much lately (i’m just very selective with who he interacts with and his personality isn’t always the most flexible), but my favorite muse to rp would probably be oh hongbin. however, there is a slight nuance i want to address within how i'm answering this question. i list him as my favorite muse to rp because he's the most thoroughly developed. when i initially conceived hongbin, i never expected the level of depth from him that i ended up with today. as i've mentioned before, i usually start with a very vague framework when creating muses and then let them unfold the more i portray them in threads. in hongbin's case, it was "sugar daddy politician." i went in knowing he had a cool facade as part of his work, but that it didn't fully define him. as for his sugar daddy aspect, i suspected it had to do with a suppressed desire for intimacy that he didn't know how to act upon in a normal way. the more i depicted him, the more i learned the supporting details for these behaviors. i could make a whole description of those motives in an entirely separate post, but i won't get on too much of a tirade. point is, i feel like his psychological motives have developed so interestingly, especially with the role his mother plays into it.

            since most of hongbin's current interactions don't really draw that aspect of his background out of him, i haven't delved into the angst belonging to his backstory as nearly as much as i'd like. i gave a general scope of it in a previous thread, but i really would like to see a weaker side of hongbin where he acknowledges the emotional repercussions of his mother suffering from schizophrenia. one last side note, i really think it has an interesting contrast to one of my other favorite muses (to be technical, second favorite since i actually made a ranking of my muses once), cha sunghyun. the two men have a fascinating juxtaposition to one another. cha sunghyun's trauma has been a central focus of his life and partially responsible for his 'failure' (as he would perceive it) in life. he still holds onto the anger of his past by living in the same house since childhood. even though music was liberating for him at times, his mother's stringent discipline for him to keep practicing made it feel like a prison. remaining as a music professor now has only increased that sense of confinement which causes his explosive episodes. on the other hand, oh hongbin's trauma has been significantly repressed though not entirely in a negative way. i feel that overcome would be the more appropriate word. i suppose some context is necessary to understand, but hongbin's ambition for politics was largely inspired by wanting mental health reform and increased facility funding for his mother. i feel that he saw how much his brothers neglected the problem, placing the mental health stigma upon their mother common among korean families. hongbin learned from their example and it drove him to pursue politics. he's consistently strived towards this goal and given his recent election as governor, has been seeing success.

            you probably didn't want an entire essay devoted to that question, but to quickly conclude, i did want to give a mention to jeon jinki and lim youngjae. even though i love hongbin's overall development as a character, in terms of interacting, jinki and youngjae are the most... "character-esque" per se. i suppose i could have phrased that more eloquently, but i feel like they call for my portrayal skills the most. they have very distinct personalities that contrast my own a great deal. they're also kind of the epitome of fiction for me. not so much that they're unrealistic (although a fallen angel/serial killer/forensics squad member isn't a real-life phenomenon by any means), but that i feel like i'm writing when i reply to their threads rather than merely providing generic dialogue. does that make sense ? i feel like this is much more obvious for jeon jinki than it is lim youngjae, so i'll just briefly ("briefly" lol) explain both of them. jinki has an entirely different psyche from the rest of my muses, since you know the rest of my muses are semi-decent human beings. in comparison, jinki's thoughts and actions definitely require more finesse to write. i feel like i have to insert myself into his character to get a full grasp of how he would behave in the situation. it's very demanding unlike say, kim taeyong or park wooyoung, who represent large factors of my own life, thereby making them easier to depict. for many of my muses, i can draw upon my own experiences to help me form their convictions. with jinki, i have to call upon my own creativity in addition to the literary influence of "crime and punishment" which inspired me to create his character in the first place. i really enjoy explaining the moral crisis he suffers rather than being a conventional murderer with complete and utter bloodlust. i hope people can also appreciate the psychological turmoil in this as well and see the dimension in jinki's character rather than dismissing his duality for simply his good or evil side. as for lim youngjae, he's just so... i definitely perceive him as more of a static character, though i would like to see him develop more depth later on. but his personality is just so goddamn entertaining. it's nowhere near how i would react in situations, but his personality is so prominent in my mind that i can't imagine him any other way. he's truly a joy to write and i feel that he does have some baseline substance to him that supports his behavior as well.

           101. did you ever have to learn something in order to play a character?  —   alright, well.... we're going to have another full-blown essay on our hands if i dive into the topic that i want to. i anticipate it happening, so let me start with the more simple response to this question and then i'll elaborate on a more broad answer. for oh hongbin, i was so captivated by his character that i did a lot of research pertaining to schizophrenia in order to get a better grasp on his mother and how her condition might have affected his childhood. i listened to a lot of schizophrenia simulators on youtube where you hear voices similar to someone suffering that condition. i also kept up with current events and politics a fair deal to develop what i believe his opinions on various matters would be. however, i did have to alter parts of his backstory once i confirmed for overall accuracy with my korean-american friend, richard/minkyu, who i'll discuss more later. for lim moonkyu, i could really use some more pointers to help me learn how to play a single father muse ! although we're estranged, i was raised by a single father, but given that moonkyu's child isn't even a year old, i obviously don't have memories of such a young age to draw upon. and again, i would have been in the role of child rather than parent. i can't imagine what it's like to be a parent, let alone a single father. i really do want to conduct more research from both the perspective of a parent as well as his son, daeul, who's eleven months old, i believe ? don't quote me on that. also i accidentally deleted the second half of this response which was talking about learning how to accurately depict the korean-american experience, using it as a focal point for my characters' development, and how i incorporate my own experience in as an asian-american into them but al;jskflsjd f this is so long and race is a sensitive subject on here anyways so peace out !

[straight-outta-hobbiton]

Personal Theory on the Toxicity of tumblr

I find it interesting that you can sort of pinpoint what event made tumblr as toxic as it is.

I mean, when I joined, the big divide of tumblr was fandom vs hipsters, and most people didn’t really give a shit either way. Yeah, there was stuff happening within individual fandoms, but the sort of angry cynicism and callouts didn’t really get the same kind of traction they do now. Social justice warriors weren’t nearly so big a group, and the ones that did exist tended towards posts that were gentler and more realistic. “Just a reminder using a person’s dead name only when they’re not in the room is just as shitty” or “Bisexuals are real” kind of stuff was pretty much all that would end up on your blog, and when there was a crazy social justice warrior type talking out of their ass it was just understood that you wouldn’t reblog. We still had the issue of anons that sent things like “kill urself” or something, and that was shitty, but on the whole, tumblr was a chill place where people reblogged aesthetic hipster pics and posts about how Supernatural had a gif for everything.

Then, Ferguson happened.

Ferguson was watched by everyone, whether you were a thirteen year-old with a Superwholock blog (which at this point had already been on its last legs due to issues about representation), a hipster with a polaroid sunflower fetish, or an anime RP blog, you were watching the news coming out of Ferguson and reblogging photos and videos and links to news sites. When previously the only issues we truly tackled were arguably lesser issues about female doctors (surprise!) or Sherlock hiatus, this was a serious, honest to God tragedy in the real world that affected (at least emotionally) a lot of people on the site. It brought up a lot of things that were never previously discussed— at least, not by the majority. The subject of police brutality was not a common topic of discussion before that point, and while we’d seen other Bad Things™ happen (Chilean miners come to mind, along with a vague memory about earthquakes and nuclear meltdowns), nothing had affected tumblr so strongly. There’s riots and shit’s on fire and suddenly life offline became very real to the American tumblr community. Ferguson brought to light a lot of things that generally wasn’t talked about on tumblr, because tumblr was not the place for it.

So it’s a thing. Suddenly that Superwholock thirteen year-old is reblogging tips on what to do when arrested and the hipster’s donating money to a gofundme to ensure the protesters have lawyers. Even the people who aren’t attempting to take action are keeping an eye on things, reblogging information and photographs talking about law and what it’s willing to do for the people it’s meant to protect. Everyone’s waiting with baited breath to see if the officer who shot an unarmed black kid is going to be punished or if he’s going to get away with it. People who knew the law and its faults (black American tumblr) were already telling the rest of us he’d get away with it, and while a lot of us probably agreed, we all hoped they’d be wrong, that the law would do what it’s supposed to and punish a murderer.

But then it didn’t.

The ruling on the Ferguson case was an injustice in action, and we watched it all happen. Then came the Eric Garner. Trayvon Martin was brought back into the spotlight, along with countless other unnecessary deaths that the police had done nothing to rectify or even apologize for. Injustic after injustice quickly soured the previously lighthearted tone of the website, because to be unaware was to be stupid and to be quiet was to be proven complicit. Slowly, as the injustices and flaws and realities piled up, the tumblr community became cynical, cruel, and wretched. Within the black tumblr community, this was an opportunity to begin pushing for change, suddenly able to talk about their realities in modern America openly. Other minorities also took the opportunity to talk about their own struggles. White Americans jump in too, either out of an earnest desire to help progress or a desperate attempt to seem trendy.

That’s all well and good, but the fact is, tumblr is a place for hyperbole and dramatics. Tumblr is where a picture of Dean Winchester went around for half a decade because someone had figured out the mathematical equation for the curve of his ass. This is a place where fandoms were posting “Potterheads, grab your wands!” in response to trolls telling them their fandom sucked. That mentality mixed with real-world issues and a predominantly inexperienced group of kids, you get everything pushed beyond what otherwise could have been a reasonable response. Now, we have fucking adults going after twelve year-olds who only watch the news when their parents come home and steal the remote and are just doing their best to fit in, as twelve year-olds do.

Tumblr now is full of variations of blogs claiming social justice for everything, whether it be something reasonable (gay rights, trans rights, the Dakota Access Pipeline) or something completely bullshit (the pro-pedophilia blogs). The entire format of how we interact with each other has changed, because rather than a bunch of nerds “squeeing” about Doctor Who’s newest regeneration being a woman, instead we’re getting people who think it’s acceptable to tear down kids because of their opinions on a television show where the villains are literal trashcans. And we can’t even blame them, because the entire interaction of this entire website for the last two-three years has revolved around tearing down the opinions of racists, anti-feminists, and pedophiles! Their entire experience on tumblr is about destroying people they disagree with rather than finding people who share common interests and enjoying whatever it is they have in common as a community! And yeah, those people still exist— the Potterheads and the Trekkies will never die— but they’re a minority, now, rather than half the goddamn site, and even as they are they can’t help but be affected by the anger that’s infected the majority.

To me, this is an interesting look of how a community can be ruined by injustice. We all saw what happened, we all saw our ideals of law and order fail in the face of systematic oppression, racism, and plain old bullshit, and thus lost the innocence that inherently surrounded fandom. Fandom is essentially collective daydreaming about fictional worlds and the people in them— it’s all bullshit. And that was ripped away from us because our goddamn court system is biased and shitty.

TL;DR: The way Ferguson was handled paved the way for all the toxicity of this site to take hold.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #338

“i can’t decide if you’re wearing me out, or wearing me well”

Are you a fan of techno? I've gotten more into it lately, actually. I've never minded it. Who’s your favorite horror movie villain/monster? Pyramid Head, though he's called Red Pyramid Thing in the movies. Do you have a favorite muscle car? Nah. I'm not big into cars. What would be a total deal-breaker for you, relationship-wise? You so much as lift your hand at me, bye, motherfucker. Would you consider yourself to be accepting of others? Yes, but not as much as I used to be. There are certain opinions I just don't tolerate in people anymore; I feel like by staying associated with people whose views invalidate or in any way harm others (racism, homophobia, transphobia, etc.), you're on the side of evil as well, even if indirectly. However, I genuinely do feel I have a wide range of viewpoints I'm willing to accept in others, even if I don't agree with them. Are you flirtatious? No. I think I'm only capable of flirting with someone I'm already with and very comfortable around. I'd feel way too shy and awkward otherwise. Have you ever just felt "drawn" to someone, but you didn’t know why? "Didn't know why," no. I've felt drawn to people with good reason, like if I was romantically interested in them. Is there anyone you currently want to reach out to? There's a number, honestly. Especially with the aid of therapy, I'm being motivated to strengthen bonds with old friends and/or acquaintances via Facebook. Freddy or Jason? I think Jason is scarier. Freddy tends to come across as cheesy for me. Have stickers or gems on your cell phone? Nah. Ever teased your hair? Bitch I damn well tried in high school because I wanted the ~ l e g i t ~ emo hair, but mine was just too heavy to hold, at least with the hairspray my sister had. Have any friends with benefits? Nah, that's never been my thing. Ever lost of bunch of valuable information? Ummm I don't believe so. I've lost massive RP posts before, but I can't really call those "valuable information." What drinks or food make you hyper? None, really. Most expensive thing you ever bought? With my own money, my snake. She's a champagne morph ball python. What type of toothpaste do you use? Crest. How much time to spend putting on makeup daily? Zero. When listening to a song, what do you listen for (lyrics, bass, beat, ect)? The beat, more than anything else. What is the color of your toothbrush? It's a white electric one. What is your favorite color(s) of eye-makeup? Black. Just black. Are you sexually active? I'm not. Do you have sensitive skin? Very. Are you attracted to several guys atm? I'm actually not attracted to any guys in my personal life atm. How many toilets are in your house? Two. Do you have an older sister? Excluding the one I don't know, I have three older sisters. Favorite song by Owl City? Probably "Hot Air Balloon," but I don't know many at all. What color is your mum’s car? White. Do you truly understand the (LDS) Mormon religion? I don't know what "LDS" means, but as my former best friend developed into a Mormon, I learned some stuff from her in her self-discovery. I don't remember a lot of it, not that I knew all that much in the first place. Where do you keep your kitty litter box? Ugh, Mom's unmovable about it being in my fucking room for some reason. And we have an extra goddamn room no one uses yet. Roman's shit STINKS, like we think something might actually be wrong, but nope, it has to stay in here. e_e It would literally inconvenience nobody if we moved it in the spare room. Are you a lighter complexion than your father? MUCH lighter. He's very tan. Do you like apricots? No. Solid soap bar or liquid body wash? 100% body wash. Bar soap slips so easily, and as someone who lives with another person, I'm not rubbing my body with the same bar my mother uses, no offense to her. Sharing it's just gross. Where do you live (country or state)? Shitty 'ole North Carolina. Do you use plastic, wooden, or wire hangers? I think we have a mix of them, actually. What is your favorite shade of yellow? I only like pastel yellow. Otherwise, it's one of my least favorite colors. Are there any shades of blue that you don’t like? If so, which ones? Ehhh not really. What is something you want to accomplish before you turn 30? God, can I please have a stable career by then. Who has the best decorated house in your town? I don't know. We live in a cul de sac community thing where it's just houses next to houses, so there's a lot to choose from. I don't pay attention to them. What is your favorite part of Halloween? The decorations. Do you feel a connection to the moon? "As above, so below," as the saying goes. What does your heart long for? Peace and contentness with myself. Did you decorate a pumpkin this year? Last year, I didn't. I do want to this year, though, if I can just think of a really good idea. I have to be motivated. What are some fall activities you would do with your kids? I'm not having kids, but I'll follow along, hypothetically. With how much joy Halloween brought me as a kid, I'd want to do SO much as a family with them. Homemade decorations, carving or painting pumpkins together, and hell yeah I'd be taking them trick-or-treating once I felt they were ready and they wanted to. I'd be one of those parents that probably spends too much on whatever costumes they want, haha... Oh, and then besides Halloween, I'd certainly rake leaf piles together for them to jump and play in. This question has brought to mind like ONE thing I could enjoy as a parent, haha. Have you ever seen a fox? I have; besides in a zoo setting, I've seen one or two in the wild run out of sight, and I also found one poor fellow as roadkill that had been disemboweled by I'm assuming vultures. With my whole roadkill photography thing, I literally almost kneeled into a strand of intestines I didn't see at first. :x What color are the squirrels where you live? We only have brown ones. Is there anything about Halloween you find offensive? lol no What do the trees look like where you live? Lots, and lots, and LOTS of pine trees... There are others, but I'm not well-informed on tree species and such. Oh, then of course there are dogwoods (our "state tree"), which are unmistakable because they smell like fucking manure. What is your dream vacation? Maybe the mountains on the western side of NC during the fall... ugh, that would be breathtaking. We actually have an abandoned The Wizard of Oz-themed park around there that allows tours at certain times of the year, and I'd love to visit and photograph there. As well, western NC has the zoo, which would be spectacular to visit with autumn weather and, once again, load up on photos. Did you like field trips when you were a kid? I LOVED field trips. Do you find museums boring or interesting? Very interesting! Would you ever wear a shirt with your country’s flag on it? No. I'm not patriotic enough at all for that. What’s a medicine that makes you sleepy? Historically, larger doses of Klonopin can knock me the fuck out. Do you like bath bombs? Never used one, because I don't do baths. Who are your favorite small YouTubers? I'm going to guesstimate you mean less than 1M subs as "small," because I really don't know what you consider to fit that description. I watch a lot of people with less than 1M, so it's hard to say, but lately it's probably been a let's player John Wolfe. He's really funny. Then there's some tarantula YouTubers, along with the animal educator Emzotic... and really just many others. I think most of the people I watch actually have sub-1M, but more than 500k. Who are your favorite big YouTubers? Markiplier is absolutely, positively #1. I also really enjoy Snake Discovery, GameGrumps, Jeffree Star (don't judge me ok, he's a fuckin hoot), and while I haven't watched them in years, Good Mythical Morning will ALWAYS be deeply, deeeeply embedded in my heart. What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? Ummm probably the Spice Girls? Have you ever used an outhouse? Ugh, yes, at old childhood sports games. What was the last good cause you donated towards? When I cut off like 8+ inches of hair to accomplish the style I have now, I donated it to Children With Hair Loss. My hair has always been mega-thick and healthy, so why in the world waste it? One of my most cherished items is the certificate I got in return many months later that my donation had been used. Have any of your exes gotten married or had kids since your breakup? I haven't had contact with Juan in many years, don't know what Tyler's up to either, and I haven't spoken to Jason since 2017, so. I'm very doubtful he's married or has kids yet, though, just knowing him and how "I need to be fully prepared for this" he is with big life stuff like that. Does it bother you when people get super emotional? Not at all. I'll do my all to comfort them. Have you ever worked in a restaurant? No. Do you get a lot of thunderstorms where you live? Depends on the time of year. Summertime? Brief but super intense thunderstorms every late afternoon. What was the last drive-thru you went through? Taco Bell w/ Mom. Do you know anyone who claims they can see/feel spirits or other supernatural ‘things?’ No. Do either of your parents have a mental illness? My mom has depression, and Mom is also convinced Dad has either depression masked as anger and/or bipolarity, but following the divorce, I don't see it in him at all. He's never seen a doctor in that field to be diagnosed with any mental illness. What fun things are there to do where you live? Jackshit. Do you know anyone with a really poorly-trained dog? Mother of fucking god, yes. My little sister lives with her best friend, and said friend has a colossal black lab named Hudson that is absolutely uncontrollable because she neglects the shit out of him. Won't listen to you even if it saved his life. He jumps on you, barks endlessly, and if he escapes the house? Good fucking luck getting him inside. She has absolutely no right to own a dog with how shitty of an owner she honestly is. When you were growing up, did your family rent or own your home? They owned it. The idiots who were moving in after us accidentally burnt the place to a fucking crisp, and my parents were SO not happy to lose that house because people were dumb enough to place boxes atop the goddamn stove. Do you do meal-prepping? No. Do you know anyone who got preggo less than a year into their relationship? Multiple people, not that that's my business. What did you dream about last night? I don't remember it clearly, other than I was with Jason and his mother was also present. What's the biggest age difference you've ever had in a relationship? That would have been with Juan, but I don't remember exactly how old he was. I just know I was a freshman and him a senior that got held back a year or so in HS. If you could save one animal from ever becoming extinct, what animal would you pick? Probably bees, given how vital they are. Name the coolest thing about one of your grandparents. My maternal grandmother worked at Disney World. I can't remember what her position was, though. Do you ever eat peanut butter straight from the jar? If I want a healthy snack, sometimes I'll have a scoop. Do you prefer your clothes loose or close fitting? They need to be loose. Favorite thing you’ve ever painted? This big painting of meerkats grooming on burlap I did in high school. Do you always wear a bra? I question the self-love of anyone who can sleep with a bra on. ;__; Do you normally finish one book before starting another? Oh yes, I can't read more than one at a time. Do you prefer reading books, comic books, manga/graphic novels, magazines, or the newspaper? The normal book. Do you know how to play chess? I don't. Are you watching anything? No, but I do have Manson's "Third Day of a Seven Day Binge" on in another tab. What is your blood type? A-. Has anyone ever borrowed something from you and never returned it? Yes. Do you twitch when you're falling asleep? Dude, I more than "twitch." I can just suddenly spaz out and look like I'm seizing for a moment. Another side effect of my nightmare suppressant medication. Are any of your pets “overweight”? No. Has anyone ever bought you a ring? My mom has bought me a few, and Jason gave me one for one of our anniversaries. Where was the last place you took a bath/shower, other than your own house? My sister's place. What first attracted you to the last person you kissed? Just how unique and happy that way she is. And her pretty much undying loyalty. Has someone ever taken a pic of you while you were making out with someone? No, considering I wouldn't go that far with someone unless we were alone. Had a crush on someone you thought shared your sexuality, turns out didn’t? Yes. What’s your favorite color to wear? Black. Does it gross you out if a guy has hair on his chest? I personally don't find an excess of it attractive, but it doesn't "gross me out." If they bathe themselves just like everyone else, why should it? Do you think sexuality is a choice or not? It is absolutely not a choice. If it was, I'd assume most people would choose to be straight, given phobias, hatecrimes, etc... I could write an essay on this. Do you like industrial piercings? Yeah. Do you think stretched ears are disgusting? "Disgusting" is, once again, the wrong word. Gauges don't really gross me out - hell, I want tiny ones -, but they can reach a size that, to me, is not visually appealing. Did you watch animated Barbie movies when you were little? I do remember loving Princess and the Pauper as well as the Rapunzel one; my sister was addicted to them. Oh yeah! Then there was the Swan Lake one that she adored, too. We usually watched movies together. Do you like fruit in your cereal? Big No. Do you like raw vegetables? Ugh, no. Do you listen to A Day to Remember? I do! They're on my list of faves. Do you like funnel cake? I actually don't. Have you ever been with someone while they were getting a tattoo? Yuh.

[pearlsparable-archive]

[ Hi guys, it's me, hi, I'm Silas. So I was talking to donavenganza this morning and it made me realize that I'd been holding onto a mindset from dwrp that's not exactly applicable in tumblr rp. Basically what I've been doing is this: There are several people who, whenever I see them float across my dash, make me go, "Wow, I really super duper want to do more things with them. I know, I should send them a meme!" And then I don't. Because I feel guilty.

Because right now, as I live and breathe, I have 12 drafts from various people that I need to get to. And 14 other drafts that are all for forbroadside. You see, back when I was playing on dreamwidth (and Amanda has touched on this is much greater detail over here, definitely go and read it. Because you could replace her with me and Hector with Jack and it's 100% the same situation), you wouldn't be able to get any threads from anyone if you weren't playing in a game. Even on the specifically designated meme communities. But, in order to keep your place in the game, you needed to have proof of activity every month. Most games, as such, would make you prove that you had written 10 replies, all in one thread, over the course of that one single month. Replies from the month before would not qualify for activity. Some games would make you prove more than that. And so, lately, I've been stuck in this mindset of I need to get all of these drafts written and sent out before I do anything else that looks like fun. I haven't been rebloging memes. I haven't been sending anyone else memes. I've have gone around liking memes. It's very possible I liked a meme you threw up. It's because I told myself "I'll reblog this once I've done all my drafts." Because I feel like have to have this proof of activity. Because if I don't prove that I'm active enough, I'm scared no one will play with me. Because that's how things went on dreamwidth. I went to bed last night feeling sick with guilt because I didn't get a single reply done, despite putting up a message that I wouldn't be able to. That's how bad this is affecting me. dwrp is toxic in a lot of other ways too, ways that are still affecting me. That's why, when I reblogged that one meme that was something to the effect of "tell me something you like about my writing", I asked for crit in the tags, instead of letting it be. Because it's so Frowned Upon in the dwrp community to ask for validation and praise. Which is why I'm now hardwired to go "no, don't give me love, give me ways to improve." Because if you were seen as asking for validation (or "buttpats", as it was) too many times, there was The Fear that you would be namedropped on one of the anonymous communities. And if you were namedropped, then that was it, that was the end of roleplaying for you. I can't tell you how many times I went and checked to make sure I hadn't taken a step slightly out of line and gotten my name written up for everyone to see and make horrible comments about and drag me through the fucking mud. rp is my hobby, and it's one i greatly enjoy, but I lived every day with The Fear. I lived near six years with The Fear. I've only been on tumblr rp for a month. Less than, actually. But it's already so much more lively and open and freeing and kind and willing to do things. I've written more in the past three weeks than I have in the past two years. I literally can't tell you how goddamn refreshing it is to do something with someone and have a reply something other than, "lol what a silly pirate!" Like, I have a chance to develop actual relationships with people here. I have a chance to do threads with people who take Jack Sparrow seriously. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I could actually find someone, or multiple people, to ship Jack with. Because in the near six years I've been playing my boy, I've only had one person be willing to make a serious attempt at a ship with Jack. One person. Because anytime Jack tried to flirt with someone, he was met with amusement and subsequently brushed off. Like, I don't reblog any shippy memes because I've never even had a chance to even think about that side of Jack. Whenever I look over at Jack and ponder some of those questions, he just shrugs at me. But here, I could have ships. I could have Sparrabeth. This is the first chance in six goddamn years I could make an attempt at Sparrabeth. The most popular pairing this series has. And that's not to mention Jack and Angelica!!! Or Jack and Esmeralda. Or Jack and literally anyone else. So I just. Wanted to make this post as a blanket apology, for not being as active as I could have been. I wanted to make this as an explanation for why I'm this way. I wanted to make this to let you know that, now I'm aware of this, and I'm going to try hard to do better, I really will. But mostly I wanted to make this to thank everyone. Everyone on tumblr has been so kind and welcoming and amazing that I literally don't know how to deal with it or how to put it into words. It's overwhelming, in a surprisingly good way, and I could not have asked for a nicer group of people to throw my dumb boy at. So shoutout to you, for reading this. Shoutout to you if you follow me. Shoutout to you if we're mutuals. But mostly just. Shoutout to all of you, for being such a fucking fantastic group of people. I love you all. <3 <b>]

[abahwrites]

Broken.

(majorly inspired by Seether – Broken ft. Amy Lee)

Another uprising has appeared in London, and the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom has forbidden any Overwatch activities during the revolution. The Prime Minister fully relied on the British Army, which quickly overwhelmed by the Omnic Forces who attacked the beautiful capital of England as quick as possible, killing many innocent, destroying many architectural wonders of England. It’s the 28th day of the uprising and Omnics knows no rest to eradicate humans once and for all. Aside from the London Uprising, the Overwatch also clouded by rumours and speculations that they couldn’t defend those who in need and is under investigation by the Petras’, in addition to that, another Overwatch official were murdered by an assassin, plus the Blackwatch itself is under investigation by the Japanese officials.

It’s stressed me the hell out. Jack cursed to himself as he watched Angela’s troop carrier dispatched to King’s Row to fend off the sporadic numbers of Omnics who attacking people and British Military alike. I’ll catch Angela as soon as I take care many problems here. He promised to himself as he began to look his archives and documentations on every mission.

There’s one thing that he always keeps to himself, a photograph of him and Angela when they first meet in the Swiss HQ. Ah, peaceful times… with the one and only lover of mine, Angela Ziegler. A doctor, a nanobiologist, a caring friend… the dearest one of all. Jack recalled. She’s too… soft to do anything harsh like I did in the army when I was eighteen. Jack worried about his lover who dispatched without him supervising her.

Upon arriving London, it was all chaos… dead bodies, blood, injured innocents… it was far more harsh than Angela thought would be.

“Mein Gott…” She prayed.

“Let’s get this over with, Angela. We could go home a little faster, and we all will be safe in the end.” Torbjorn uplifted Angela’s confidence.

“Thank you, Torbjorn. Let’s get this over with.” She said, readying her Caduceus staff and blaster to aid those in need in the heat of the battle.

As they stick together in the heat of the fight, many Omnics tried to shoot Angela as she served as the Overwatch leading medic and the only one who can fully-healed those who injured and make them able to fight in no time. Bullet casings were spent, blood spilt on the ground, and Omnic parts were scattered as they explode to pieces.

We’re surrounded…

Help us! The Omnics are too much to handle!

Ammunition is scarce… need reinforcements!

…We’re doomed…

The last part of the radio chatter is the most haunting moments of Angela’s life. It gets unforgettable and more haunting as she heard another chatter from the B Platoon.

… The tank won’t do shit against those anti-air defences! We couldn’t rescue those who inside the King’s Row!

... “A” Platoon, do you copy?!

…Bring the RPG! Bring the RP…

The anti-personnel team chatter was cut by an explosion from an Omnium bomb, the immediate effect kills all within its range… and this shook Angela like an earthquake. Her hatred, mixed with anger and sadness makes her do unmentionable things in the heat of the battle, killing several omnics with her Caduceus blaster that didn’t penetrate much of the Omnic armour plates. Her platoon is doing good within the fight and surrounded many damaged Omnic while Torbjorn slowly took their parts for his turret and giving these omnics a good fight. Haunted by worst possibilities that would likely happen to Angela, Jack began to slip out from the base and head to London by himself and went to search for Angela and the rest of the “C” Platoon, scattered around London. Getting themselves punched by the Omnics in the face, but they didn’t give a care and carry on fighting.

“Cadet Oxton, where’s Angela?!” Jack shouted to the first person that he encountered, the newly recruited Lena Oxton.

“Sir, she’s gone mad and now hunting every Omnic around the perimeter, and she’s below our surveillance,” Lena replied, telling all that happened in before Jack’s arrival. “She’s… nowhere to be found, Sir.”

“Why the fuck did you let that happened, Cadet?!” Jack forcibly grabbed Lena by her shoulders.

“It’s not my fault, Sir. It’s her anger which drove her to do such things.” Lena told Jack, holding her tears. “It might be dangerous… but before she left us… she said that… Angela loves you and beg for your forgiveness about her… madness.”

“Where did you last seen her, Cadet?” Jack said, worried about Angela… and his memories of her that’d be the last.

“She went to central King’s Row to fight and destroy a series of anti-air defences with D and F-2 Platoon, Sir,” Lena informed. “But, that’s what she told me, and after that… I don’t much know where she went, Sir.” She added.

“Led me to D and F-2 Platoon, Cadet.” Jack pleaded Lena to lead him to his angel.

“Roger that, Sir.”

They both stick together to seek Angela in between the King’s Row area while fighting the lesser Omnics and the damaged ones. It wasn’t easy for both of them without any vehicular support and heavy weaponry, but they managed to get into the central King’s Row and found Angela fighting two medium-sized, heavily armed Omnics.

“Angela!” Jack ran towards her as he shot the Omnics and saved Angela’s life while she’s getting herself healed by her Caduceus staff.

“Jack!” Angela shouted from afar while continue shooting these pesky Omnics.

“Are you okay? Are they hurting you so bad?”

“I’m afraid that they didn’t hurt me… Jack! Behind you!” Angela told Jack that she’s fine and immediately informed Jack that there’s an Omnic behind him, ready to shoot. Jack quickly draws his rifle and permanently shutting down the Omnic.

“That’s taken care… Angela!” Jack swept his sweat and told Angela the same thing happened to him.

It was too late.

A bullet finds its nest in Angela’s shoulder, penetrating through her bones, then another one finding its resting place in between Angela’s heart… permanently shutting her off… almost. Jack grabs her hand and holds it dear while it lasts.

“Angela, speak to me! Talk to me, Angela!” Jack’ eyes welled in tears, looking at the Dying Angel.

“I’m so sorry, Jack… I shouldn’t do that thing… I shouldn’t chase them… my anger…” She coughed blood. “My antagonism drove me like a beast… couldn’t contain it…”

“Don’t do this to me, Angela. Don’t do this…” Jack holds her hand, and in all of the sudden, Angela’s spark of life… went away, while she’s crying �� begging for Jack’s forgiveness.

She was the last victim of the attack.

Nothing beats the last victim of a fight… nothing beats the hurt when you know that your lover is the last victim of war… against something so troublesome that makes you cumbersome and ruthless at the same time… raging about these attackers being… overpowered. Later that night, when the cremation team arrived, they couldn’t find Angela’s body and left Jack with nothing but her engagement ring and her dog tags. It was Jack’s sole memento of Angela Ziegler. A doctor, a nanobiologist, a caring lover.

It’s almost easy to forget those who died that didn’t matter to you, but it’s goddamn impossible to see… your half is torn apart… broken in pieces… as you walk the earth leaning to something unbalanced… to something you once knew, but it never fixed nor ever get together again. War is surely one hell of a hell, no one’s survived to tell the tale, even those who survived… the hell of it still lit up deep in their hearts.

Jack’s beyond broken at this point as PTSD and Angela’s belongings... succumbs his old age...

This goes to @kazoomiller and @ficfanstrikecommander and most importantly to all Mercy76 shippers out there. Inspired by the new skins and also the new comic. Cheers, folks!

[dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt]

Confession time... yippee.

Well... it's Christmas. I've had a secret that's been dragging me down for two years now, so, I figured, I may as well get it off my chest so I can - hopefully - move on in the New Year. Yeah. 'Hopefully'. Anyway, if I can't be honest at Christmas, when can I be honest? So, here it is: I love you. You probably already knew this. I told you often enough. But I love you. Like, centre-of-my-world, most-beautiful girl/human/being-I've-ever-seen, a-luminescent-angel-in-my-eyes, 10/10-would-marry. That kind of love. Christ, why am I even writing this?

I don't know exactly when I started falling for you, mostly because I don't think I ever 'fell'. Falling brings to mind some an angel, shedding feathers like stars, twisting and turning with exquisite grace as it falls to earth. I, on the other hand, plummeted. Out-of-control. Most likely screaming in a high-pitched, undignified way. I also splattered at the bottom, like an overripe tomato. There's a mental image for you. I was impaled at the bottom of that vast canyon by lovely spires of self-doubt, insecurities, self-loathing, and - worst of them all, the cunning dagger of stone that went right through my heart - foolish, stupid, idiotic, imbecilic hope. I was, to put it bluntly, a terrified, blindsided mess. And also totally, absolutely, completely, utterly in love. You know when you're scrolling through music insinuating romance and you start picturing the one you love? Up until I met you, I'd only pictured fictional characters. Unrequited, yes, and thus painful, but bearable. Fast forward, and  I was actually amazed at how much more painful it was when the object of my imagination was a real and tangible girl - granted, half the world away - while a thousand knives of agony gleefully assaulted my chest. I would cuss myself out at impressive length whenever this happened. Told myself ad nauseam that there was no way in hell that it was happening. Over and over again. Like a broken record. Thought I was gonna go insane. Maybe I did. It feels like it. But it was such an honour to be driven insane by you. I was sort of half glad that we weren't sharing a continent, because if you could meet me face-to-face, you would have known I was head over heels. A blind, deaf, and dumb codfish would have seen it, so there would be no hope for you not noticing - you, so intelligent and perceptive. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice as it was. I couldn't hold myself back from complimenting you practically daily. Maybe you did notice. Sometimes I thought you might have even been flirting back. I dismissed that so fast the thought barely formed; I bashed in its soft infant skull with the brutal logic that was slowly pulverizing my head with its weighty facts. You're beautiful. You're clever. You're creative. You're strong. You're funny. You're smart. You're two years older than me. You want a baby (which I am incapable of giving you without difficulty.) That didn't stop my dumb ass from starting to flirt with you. Many times, I freaked. Thought I'd gone too far, been too obvious. I was quick to fling something platonic at you within the next few messages. My heart raced for a half-hour each time. I am a Hufflepuff, not a Gryffindor, okay. On Valentine's day, I got jealous. I'll admit it. Not even for real people, either. I was jealous over fictional characters, just because you thought of them in a way that you would never think of me. So I sent you a virtual Valentine's card that involved a terrible pun and Comic Sans text. Because I'm a dork, and I have no idea how to do the Romance™. And I wanted to impress you (don't know why I thought that kind of Valentine was the way to do that, maybe because I'm a fucking idiot.) Once it was sent, I freaked, again. Thought I'd gone too far, again. Thank God she didn't notice, I thought reverently after you replied to normally the next day, while I beat back the crippling disappointment using my rib cage as a jungle gym. I tried to be the best boyfriend I could be without actually, y'know, being your boyfriend. I tried to support you. Indulge all your creative ideas (even though 'indulge' feels like the wrong word, since I genuinely loved them.) Whenever you sent pics, I told you how beautiful you looked (you should probably know I almost swallowed my tongue with every picture of you I saw. My puny brain did not like comprehending your level of beauty.) I tried to do everything I possibly could, not even in the hopes that you would actually date me. Just because you deserved my effort and more - as a stranger, as a friend, as a girlfriend. You were you, and that's all that mattered to me. Time went on. Somehow, even though I was already presumably at rock-bottom, I managed to fall even more for you. You were like my own personal brand of quicksand, forget heroin. It was our RPs that kept me from going completely mental. I wrote the other halves of your ships for you - the aforementioned fictional partners over which I was boiling with jealousy - and so I could confess all my feelings for you through their POVs. I could tell you I loved you. I could tell you how I loved you. I could tell you how beautiful, amazing, brilliant you were to me. I could say all of this as many times as I want, and you wouldn't guess it was really me telling you from me, rather than me telling you from your ship-mate. (Now you know why I liked RPing Bree's POV so much. Lucky bastard.) More time went by, and things started getting rough. I kept giving you things. Covers for you and your ships. Things I'd written - scenarios and preferences and imagines, some of them pages and pages long. I kept giving them to you, even when you told me to stop, because the more I gave, the better I felt - it was a way for me to show my love, and I did not want to stop. It wasn't rational, I know, but I felt like if I stopped, I would lose you. But I was giving you too much. It was draining me dry, all my inspiration, all my friendliness, everything. I tried to talk to you about it on several occasions, since you'd told me you were trying to give me more but weren't, but it just ended in arguments after which nothing changed, so I didn't see the point in bringing it up. I started getting anxiety before talking to you. I would spend sleepless nights with headaches pounding behind my dry eyes with every ridiculously fast beat of my heart. I felt sick, listless, constantly tired. I felt like I was killing myself for you, slowly, slowly, slowly, but surely. And yet, I still loved you. It felt like I loved you more and more, every day. I fell for your every quirk, your every 'flaw', your smile and your laugh - oh, your laugh gave me the most indescribable warm feeling, like a small sun of pure joy expanding inside my chest - your mind and your body, your humour, your silliness, your maturity, your childishness - all of it. All of you. I loved you more than myself. And so I kept going. Kept coming on with a smile and a "hello, beautiful" and a handful of pills for the headache that hadn't left since the anxiety-ridden dread of last night. The few times I thought you felt the same were the times that my heart missed a beat, plain stopped, and then sprinted into overdrive. Nervousness and excitement and anticipation. The more excited I felt, the harder the crash after I realized you hadn't meant it. When you finally got a few real boyfriends, I will admit, I lost my cool. Went outside, beat the shit out of the old, tattered couch we had out the back. Had to wait to calm down, played with the dogs, cuddled the chickens, went back inside, and typed the words that bled out of my fingers right from the wound in my heart: "That's great!" I didn't want you to feel bad. I didn't want you to feel anything but happiness, ever. The end came around abruptly. It was the day my Dad asked me to write him something - just something small. He practically begged me, but I said I couldn't. Said I wasn't good enough. Snapped it at him without even thinking. Because I had written so much for you, made so much for you, gave so much of myself away for you, never feeling like it was enough - that I was enough - my self esteem was in shambles. Completely wreaked. I stopped, opened my laptop, and logged into Skype. My fingers hovered over the keys. I felt sick, dizzy, unsteady. My heart was beating so fast I could hardly pick out the individual beats. I was shaking. I distinctly remember the way my teeth chattered. I was terrified. Terrified to leave. More terrified to stay. Torn. Because, even though I was depressed and anxious because of our very uneven relationship, you were responsible for many of the best moments of my life. And they weren't even anything big. They were just us, RPing, talking, laughing together. You had the unique ability to make small, insignificant things, into memories I would cherish forever. You are unique, period. I typed out the first few messages, which were ambiguous, everything in me screaming to turn them into a joke, laugh it off. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. But I did it. Said goodbye to you. You replied. I replied to your reply, and I was so pissed, at myself, at you for the way you tried to turn it all back on me even though I had never do anything but love and support you unconditionally, even though I put everything I had and more into making you happy. I said things I didn't need, or really mean, to say.

So I lost you. I know I was the one that said goodbye. I know, and I regret it every single fucking day. I dream about you, for God's sake. My brain hates me more than I know you probably do right around now. On Christmas day, yesterday, I looked through some of our old conversations. I know I shouldn't. I should let you go. Stop living in the past. Let you find someone who can give you what you want and deserve. But I had to look. I cried like a goddamn baby. I've lost count of how many times my cursor has hovered over that request contact button on Skype. The only thing that's stopped me is the knowledge that you're better off without me. And now, here I am, writing all this down even though I hate it. I know you'll never see this. I know you've probably left me behind. I know you probably hate me, and I don't blame you. But I loved you. And I still do. So much that there is a pain like literal fucking knives currently carving your initials all over my insides. Maybe those carvings will heal. Maybe not. I don't even know if I want them to or not. I don't even know anything anymore. Anyway. I just needed to get this off my chest before it crushed me. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. I wish you nothing but a perfect life. Guess I'll always love you in some way, Pancake. .................... FML.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #275

i’m anxious and my head is hectic so i can’t think of a single song lyric to put here lmao

Have you ever dated anybody online? Yes, but we met up in person for a week+ at a time multiple times. Ever been stalked? No. Ever stalked someone? No. I never got to that point with him because shit’s creepy. Have you ever been called a slut, hoe, skank, whore? Only playfully by close friends because that’s how we show affection sometimes lmao. Have you ever snuck out before? No. Do you eat meat? I wish I didn’t, but I do. If so, do you like meat? Yes. If not, do you have anything against people who eat meat? N/A Have you ever gotten a manicure or pedicure? I went with my old friend and sisters on rare occasions just to hang out. Have you ever been close to getting kidnapped? Jc no, thank fuck. HAVE you ever been kidnapped? No. I’d be so goddamn terrified. Do you listen to Lykke Li? Never heard of ‘em. Have you ever self-harmed? Yes. Do you have any eating disorders? No. Have you ever met a celebrity? No. Do you like Monster Energy or do you prefer other energy drinks? Astonishingly with how much I love soda, I am nooot an energy drink fan. They taste like straight-up poison. Describe the best day of your life? I don’t really know what that would be. About how many times a week do you skip class or just school in general? When I was in school, I’d fake sick as a kid rarely, then in high school I had quite a few mental health days. College, too. Have you ever been suspended from school? No. Have you ever been expelled? No. Do you role-play? Only on designated forums and in serious stories. I need substance behind it. Irl, sexual, and pretty much any other RP doesn’t interest me. Do you watch Degrassi? I never did, no. What is one of the saddest novels you’ve ever read in your lifetime? Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo. Jesus fucking Christ. Orbit or 5 Gum? Honestly can’t even remember their tastes… but I THINK I preferred the latter. Have you ever been in a love triangle? No. How bad are your hangovers? I’ve never had one. Do you think Taco Bell is nasty? No. Do you have a jacuzzi? Definitely not. Have you ever broken a bone? If so, what was the cause of it? No. Do you think vegans/vegetarians look down on people who choose to eat animal products? That’s a very generalizing statement… You can’t say that of them all. Some absolutely do, others don’t. Do your friendships tend to last a long time or are they short-lived? Definitely the former. Name the best and worst things about your current or most recent relationship. The best thing was absolutely that I felt accepted for entirely who I was, like I needed to hide not a single thing. The worst thing was easily distance. Fuck distance. How are you? Aggravated at a lot of things. What part of your body are you most insecure about? Absolutely my stomach. What’s one food you would be surprised to hear that someone doesn’t like? Chocolate. I mean I know at least one person who doesn’t, but boy does it catch you off-guard. Do you think your voice is higher or lower than average? It’s definitely lower than the average woman’s. Do you and your parents like any of the same bands/singers? Oh, loads! I couldn’t even begin to list them all. Is there any food in your bedroom? No. Do you know anyone who has road rage? MY YOUNGER SISTER. GOOD LORD. Riding with her is always a trip. How far away do your grandparents live from you? My only (barely) living one is in New York with family, probably until she dies. It’s like ten hours away. What kinds of cereal are in the cupboard? We have chocolate Special K, Honey Nut Cheerios, a Food Lion rip-off of Rice Krispies, and… maybe one more? Is your mom a big health freak or your dad? Or neither? Neither, really. Given her cancer, high blood sugar, and diabetes though, Mom is much more conscious of what she eats. Do you know anyone who wants to be the president one day? Not that I’m aware of. What kinds of chips are in the cupboards? We don’t have any. Mom and I try to keep snack foods out of the house because we know ourselves well enough to know we WILL eat them too fast. Do you have your mom’s or dad’s hair? Absolutely my mom’s. It’s thick as hell like hers was. What’s the first thing you see when you walk into your bedroom? Probably my massive Nightmare Before Christmas poster above my bed. Do you have any friends who have naturally red hair? Yes. Have you ever cried when a teacher retired? Yep. I’m never going to forget my first band teacher; he was a real comedian with a massive heart. We all adored him and got so excited when he would come back to substitute if our instructor had to miss and he was able to come. Oddly enough, I don’t remember his name… When’s the last time you wore heels? Oh Christ. Maybe Ashley’s wedding? Did I even wear heels? Do you have your mom’s or dad’s eyes? Neither. What’s the best date movie? I am such an average white bitch in how my answer to this will always and vehemently be The Notebook. How long has your current best friend been your best friend? Around three years. Have your parents ever been out of the country? No. Do you swear and yell while playing video games? No. I might curse under my breath. Is there any alcohol in the fridge? Oh I WISH. Do your pets chase after bugs? YUP. Roman loves hunting flies. When’s the last time you were so excited you couldn’t sleep? Why? Excited? Probably not since I was going to see Sara. I don’t know. What is your mom’s favorite movie? Oh shit, good question. How much older is your dad then you? Don’t make me math, please. 30-something years. Do you have any relatives who really spoil you? No. Do you know anyone who has security cameras in their house? Probably. What was the last movie to make you cry? No clue. Has anyone you know ever pulled the fire alarm in school, joking around? I think so? Who was the main character in the last book you read? Starflight. Is the last person you said goodbye to single? No, he’s married to my sister. Who are the last people you saw kiss? Like romantically/on the lips? Ummm probably a couple on Facebook or something. Have you ever posted a fan fiction on a website? No. Do you ever fantasize about your future wedding? Who’s the bride/groom? Not anymore. Do you have any relatives who are expecting a baby really soon? No. My high school friend did just announce she’s pregnant with her second child though. When you get married, who will be the maid of honor/best man? My mom. Does your best friend get along with their parents? Yes, they’re fantastic. Have you ever been in a wedding? What were you? Yes; I was the hideous bridesmaid that just cried all through my sister’s wedding. That was a fucking nightmare. Does it matter to you what kind of shampoo you use? I don’t really care, no. Do you have a sensitive gag reflex? Like STUPID fuckin sensitive. Where are you the most ticklish? Don’t touch my fuckin feet. What was the last situation to upset you? It was a petty envy thing that shouldn’t have upset me, let’s move along. Have you ever had an online argument? I’ve been socially on the Internet since I was 11 and am now 24, take a guess lmao. The general subject of your last text conversation? Asking Sara for permission for something RP-related. What is just down the hall from where you’re located? There’s not really a hall at all; my room opens up into the living room. Do any of your friends know you fill out surveys? Well besides the online friends I have here, no. Do you like the controversial/political surveys? ”It depends on if I have enough opinions (and energy) to give good answers or not.” <<<< Exactly this. Who/What did you last spend time worrying about? Myself and my future and my newfound fear of ending up homeless and hopeless after my parents pass away because I’m a very sorry Adult™. What was the last thing you prepared in the oven? Whoa, who knows. The oven scares me, so I don’t use it myself. When were you last offered something illegal? I don’t think I ever have been, actually. Did you accept or decline that offer? N/A When was the last time that you saw fire? On the way home like a week back or something. Someone was burning stuff in their backyard. Have you ever seen somebody get shot? No. What are you listening to? “Little One” by Highly Suspect. Gorgeous song. Do you chew on your hair? Um no???? Can you talk on the phone while having the tv/radio on? No. What size are all the televisions in your house? I don’t know the measurements, but it’s a large Vizio. One of the few really nice things we got when my parents were together. Do you have health insurance? Yes. How many times have you been pulled over by the cops while driving? Zero. What is one of your favorite movie lines? I don’t know, they’re not really something I memorize. What is one thing you look forward to every day? My morning Mountain Dew lmao it’s my coffee, essentially. What is one thing you dread every day? The inevitable part where I’m bored shitless by early evening. Ever lived through a natural disaster? Lots of hurricanes. What’s the longest you’ve lived without electricity? I wanna say around two days? Maybe even three? I don’t remember. Name all the drugs you have tried: None. Name all of the alcoholic beverages you have tried? Margaritas and sangrias with different types of alcohol that I don’t know. Oh, hard lemonade. Oh yeah, wine too, which was fucking repulsive. Name all the types/brands of cigarettes you have tried: None. What is one thing you stand strongly for? Fucking TRY ME on gay rights. What does your doormat say? We don’t have one. Who was the last person you were on hold with (on the phone)? I don’t remember. Who do you know that’s had a baby recently? Ummm I don’t think any *very* recently. Do you know anyone who got married recently? Again, not very. Do you know anyone who has died recently? No. Do you change songs in the car often? I use my iPod to play over it, where I select the songs to play, so I let them play through. However, if I was actually the driver, I definitely wouldn’t; it wouldn’t really matter because I’m so terrified of driving that I need almost no radio at all. What street sign do you find totally pointless? I’m not familiar enough with them all. What drinking games have you played? None. What made you pick up the last book you started reading? Sara got me into the series. Have you received any bad or troubling news lately? Welcome to 20fuckin20, y’all. When was the last time you were relieved about something? *shrug* What about your life concerns you the most? That I’ll waste it. Is there a common thing most people seem to do without trouble, but it scares you (talking on the phone, driving, interviews, etc)? When was the last time you had to do one of these kinds of things? When I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago, I signed myself in. Yes, that sets my anxiety off because I don’t know how to Talk. When was the last time you went somewhere for the first time? Uhhhhhhhh good question. I don’t go anywhere. What is a situation that makes you feel especially confident? Talking about meerkat behavior ha ha. If you’ve moved out from home, what was the scariest thing about it? What was/is your favorite thing about it? N/A Are there any fictional characters you like even though they’re “bad” or “evil?” What qualities draw you to a character? BITCH yes. I just like charisma. For villains, I really like when there’s a *reason* they’re bad, too, and not so just for the sake of it. And I am a SUCKER for sarcastic lil shit villains. What are your thoughts on “forgiving” murderers, rapists, attackers, etc? Do you think it’s even possible to forgive these people? This is a tough question, after I looked past my initial “hell no.” Like, people change. I suppose it varies case-to-case. What was the last series you finished watching? Do you have any plans to begin another? Actually finished, Ginga Densetsu Weed. I’m sure Sara and I will keep watching Avatar: The Last Airbender next time we see each other. What is one way in which you are different from a year ago? What is one way in which you are still the same? I definitely hate myself more than I did. And that’s the problem: I haven’t developed at all in a year’s time. Is there anything you’ve promised yourself you’ll never do again? Multiple things. Do you prefer fake tanning or real tanning? I prefer not tanning at all. Would you date someone who was addicted to drugs? No. I’m not getting into that shit. If the person was recovered, yes, but I wouldn’t hesitate leaving if they relapsed and didn’t seek help. Sounds brutal, but I’m serious about the damage drugs do, and not just to the user. Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with? No. It’s probably best we never do again. Can you make yourself cry? I’ve never really tried, but I don’t think so. Are you ready for kids? I’ll never be. Have you ever woken up crying from a bad dream? Plenty of times. Thanks, nightmares every fucking time I sleep. Do you eat breakfast? Yes. Cannot relate to people who don’t like wtf that’s the best part of the morning. Have you ever trusted someone too much? BOY OH BOY OH BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How did you get your last bruise? I don’t recall. Last time you got a text message and smiled? Idk. What was the last kid’s movie you saw? Ummmmm good question. Have you ever shared a shower or bath with someone as an adult? Noooo, not into it. Sounds dangerous but also just… weird to me. Like let me clean myself in peace??? Are you bitter about anything? Oh, am I. Do you use emojis? Occasionally. I’m too biased to emoticons, growing up using those every sentence, lol… but I’m starting to move towards them depending on the platform, and the ones I use are very limited. Do you have any hidden piercings? (this includes bellybuttons) No. I took my snake eyes out. Has anyone called you perfect before? *lips against mic* that was a motherfuckin lie Have you ever liked someone that was in a relationship? Yes. Have you ever gone through a period of mass weight-gain/weight-loss? What was that time like for you? Both, actually. First, mass weight-gain happened due to a medication I was on that murders metabolism + I was a bad emotional eater after the breakup, and those two don’t mix. Then, through recovery, I lost over 50 pounds in around a year from being off of that fucking medicine and my eating habits returning to normal. What’s one incident that has majorly affected your self-esteem? Was it for better, or for worse? THE BREAKUP. It made me feel like an absolute waste of space and time. Do you have a close bond with your sibling(s)? Was it always this way, or has it been better/worse? Not really, but I wish I did. Ashley and Nicole are very close, then I’m like… awkwardly on the sidelines trying to find times where I can insert myself and be a proper sister. Ash and I ARE closer than we were as kids, while it’s a harsh opposite with Nicole. We shared a room and were very close, but now I feel like she doesn’t even like me. Have you used Limewire before? Ha, yuuup… Who do you envy the most, if anyone at all? I’m uncertain about the most.