#not that thats true of course- but from his perspective that's probably how he felt

[todayisafridaynight]

Daigo has so many genuine connections, all these people who would stand by him regardless of if Tojo still exists. It just sort of feels like it plays to the way Masato is just chronically blind to the love around him and the strength of Ichiban's whole thing and surrounds himself purely with transactional relationships. It's the way Mine viewed the world before he met Daigo, but Masato is purposefully cultivating this environment around himself. Masato HAD those bonds where Mine didn't, but Masato's "those who use and those who are used" still feels like a worse distillation of Mine's philosophy, or at least that the two rhyme even if they aren't the same. Daigo originally defying Mine's worldview led to a longing to understand it and be a part of it; Daigo defying Masato's would probably just lead to more seething lol. Tojo going away, not only is just 'oops daigo already planned on that' robbing Masato of the satisfaction, idk it just further highlights that without being wrapped up in the status of Chair that these people are still with Daigo. Aoki bought his connections through lies and money and destroyed the only ones he sincerely had by following "use or be use" to its end, but Daigo could just fuck off anywhere he wanted and still have not just friendship but as Masato might see it absolute loyalty (esp in a Mine lives scenario; Aoki's lil pet bastard Kume's devotion is absolutely a speck vs **Mine** ). Both Aoki and Daigo can lose their positions of power, but its only Masato who feels like he's lost everything. sdfklfsjld idk goodbye anyway the brainrot is strong please keep going I'm here for every second

OK BUT LIKE. ALL OF THIS. ABOVE MY FIREPLACE AND FRAMED

the note bout mine and masato's worldviews IS SUCH an interesting point too: in essence they both believed the same thing (genuine bonds are a myth and people only use each other), it was just that mine held onto the small hope that he'd be wrong one day. by the time daigo does prove him wrong, he's almost automatically willing to accept it. his problem is that he became so attached to daigo that when the possibility of him being taken away became real, he went off the deep end

in masato's case. Lord he's a field day to explore psychologically maybe in another post, but he did have those bonds mine wanted so earnestly for more than half his life, exactly. ever since arakawa saved him- hell, even after sawashiro realized the life he inflicted upon him, masato was showered with nothing but love from the arakawa family. it's a wonder that despite that fact, masato still insisted he was neglected and alone. settling for relationships he knew were fake and for the most part temporary, he wanted to protect himself- he didn't want to be attached and become hurt and vulnerable again

it really is a cruel twist for masato and daigo and how they end up: despite daigo actually having grown up alone, that didn't stop him from having a warm and inviting attitude towards people and giving him a sizable amount of people who'd follow him to the ends of the earth. inversely, masato had become greedy and wanted more adoration, even if it was superficial or surface level.

[becomingpotatoes]

finished the teal mask and oh boy do i have thoughts…

(SPOILERS FOR THE NEW DLC IF YOU DONT WANT SPOILERS PLS DO NOT READ)

god. kieran. kieran is so refreshing from a character perspective. kieran is like the anti-hop. it kind of feels like he’s the protagonist and we’re the classic jerk rival, doesn’t it? this guy clearly has Issues and i really like that, im enjoying this sort of “why can’t i beat you” rival trope that gamefreak’s been doing lately. they nearly did it with hop but with kieran they’re really going full in. the character arc that kieran went through in this dlc was actually difficult for me to watch, seeing this poor boy destroy himself mentally. the first time i battled him for the final time i actually lost, and i was hoping that he would get to keep ogerpon because altho shes cute and i adore her, i felt so bad. but ofc thats not the way the cookie crumbles. kieran is socially awkward, he doesn’t know how to communicate, and he’s never had a true friend. then florian/juliana comes along and suddenly there’s someone who seems to genuinely enjoy hanging out with him that isn’t, yknow, related to him. but then that person that he was so eager to trust goes along and begins befriending and helping a pokemon that hes adored all your life behind his back. i relate to kieran a lot and ofc yknow the absolute maniac arc hes about to go through is probably not healthy but i rlly hope this ends up being good for him. he idolized ogerpon because of how he related to her story, not because of the actual living creature she is. i wouldnt be surprised if it turns out he doesnt value his pokemon as actual living creatures either. i could see him being like a reverse silver, as he grows colder growing to not even care about his pokemon.

on the other hand, carmine! carmine was such a delight, i was genuinely not expecting to enjoy her as much as i did. sure, she also has Issues and has probably been a negative effect on her brother, but at the end of the day she is also just a kid. she probably has no idea what shes doing, and i dont think shed ever hurt kieran. she went through a lot of growth in the dlc and i can see her trying to become a better person with the help of florian/juliana and repairing her odd relationship with kieran.

also, it seems like she kind of has to play a parental role for kieran, as its implied that their parents arent around. thats another thing that separates kieran and carmine from siblings like hop and leon (and oh my god im just realizing all the parallels between hop and leon and kieran and carmine). its implied that the galar bros had a good childhood, and hops Issues dont start until hes set off on his journey and leon is a full adult with an actual life. with the kitakami siblings, if you read between the lines you can tell that theyve had a harder time growing up. with carmines comments on tourism and how it’s negatively effected their town and give her Trust Issues, that obviously fucked them both up a little, seeing that people only valued their hometown as an attraction, and that they themselves were a part of that attraction. and of course we dont know what the issue was with their parents. also, why are they going to school in unova? (side not oh my god it is so obvious that we’re going to get bw remakes in gen 9 or a legends unova game)

kitakami is such an interesting region. obviously its tiny, it has one town and then everything else is just untamed land. i feel like something Else is going on here. or maybe its just small idk

i love ogerpon a lot i think shes adorable and i love that we got to run around with her before she joined our team and it makes the whole “ten year old catches legendary thing” feel more realistic

also why are ogerpon and the loyal three legendaries i feel like they should be mythicals them being legendary feels Wrong

anyways these were my silly thoughts on the dlc and i hope kieran turns out to be the bb leagues champion (pulling a blue) and also i dont trust briar now time to finish my pokedex and talk to legends arceus pandering i mean perrin and if i see anyone call carmine a terrible person i will trade away your ev trained competitive team ok bye

(also this scene made me emotional)

[dapplemoth]

Omg I just found your blog, and your art is amazing!!! I didn’t know that Nightcloud and Mothwing was a ship until now, but cute gremlin Mudkit with his two moms were so adorable that I’m hooked lol. For the hypokits, how about Jayfeather and Poppyfrost?

Thank you so much! I didn't know Nightcloud and Mothwing were a ship either but it was fun writing them in the perspective of a romantic relationship. And Poppyfrost and Jayfeather is an interesting combo! For this to work, a couple things would have to change in canon. But here are the kits!

From Left to Right: Pumpkinkit and Briarkit

First off, Poppyfrost comes to a hard decision and breaks things off with Berrynose instead of remaining mates with him. They try to remain friends to raise their kits together, but it definitely takes some getting used to.

Poppyfrost never forgot what Jayfeather did for her, and would try to grow closer to him as the moons went on. It took a bit for Jay to open up enough with her, but Briarlight's insistence to let her in and Poppyfrost's general kind-heartedness won him over in the end. He, Poppyfrost, and Briarlight became greater friends than they already were, and Jayfeather ends up becoming..a lot kinder and happier than he is in the books. The old Jayfeather is definitely still there and he's still concerned with the prophecy, but Poppyfrost and Briarlight enthusiasm are one of the highlights of his day and help him forget about his problems..if only for a little while. (Disclaimer: He doesn't improve his attitude because Briar and Poppy 'fix him', its his own choice to work on himself in order to be a better friend to them.)

Some minor changes here and there, but it remains mostly the same. There’d probably be subtle hints throughout the text that Poppyfrost was seeing Jayfeather as more than a friend now, but nothing overt. Jayfeather doesn’t develop feelings for Poppyfrost until around...before the Great Battle ends? He’s incredibly ashamed with himself since he still loves Half Moon, but Half Moon shows up and one of his dreams and goes “I died like a century ago, you can move on” and thats that.

He doesn’t actually do anything for awhile since pursuing Poppyfrost would be against the medicine cat code and well..his mom did the same thing. But alas, their relationship just kind of..happened. They were dating without knowing they were dating each other and things only progressed from there. 

When Briarlight passed away it hit them hard, they were a trio and it felt like a piece of them had been ripped away. They comfort each other during this period, and share tongues frequently, discussing the best things about their departed friend. The loss is heavy on their hearts, but it makes them cherish the time they’ve been spending together.

It’s in the Broken Code when the kits are born and hooooo boy is it a development. Poppyfrost’s kits were entirely unexpected for them and of course they were panicked (Jay was also angry at himself, for roping Poppy and his kits into this mess) They both came up with a plan to hide the kits true parentage from the clan. However, Jayfeather told Poppyfrost that he wasn’t going to keep the secret that he was their father from his kits, not wanting to repeat what happened to him and his littermates. Poppyfrost agreed and some time later Briarkit and Pumpkinkit are born.

When Imposterstar starts exiling cats, Jayfeather is kicked out for being half-Windclan AND having kits with Poppyfrost which is revealed to the entire clan for the first time. Likewise, Poppyfrost and even their young kits are exiled along with him. Briarkit and Pumpkinkit hadn’t even been weaned yet, and even some of Imposterstar’s most loyal followers are shocked that he would go so far as to punish the kittens. They survive though, and when Ashfur is killed Jayfeather and Poppyfrost are not only pardoned for their codebreaking, but the medicine cat’s having no mates rule is tossed entirely due to how severe the whole Imposter situation was. Not everyone is happy that they went unpunished but nobody cares what they think; Jayfeather and Poppyfrost can be happy and raise Pumpkinkit and Briarkit in peace.

Pumpkin and Briar’s warrior names will be Pumpkinstem and Briarleaf.

[semischarmed]

Clarity

My hot roommate Zach is the perfect man. I think I won the cosmic lottery when we got paired freshman year. “Roommates for life!” he shouted, as he wrapped a tone arm around me in a side-hug. I chuckled, of course. Who knew the cutest guy in our dorm was such a dork. I remember that moment vividly, committed every last detail to memory. In what he likely only barely remembers, I recall to the last detail. I play it back often -even moreso, nowadays: The crisp autumn breeze. The filtered sunlight through amber trees, bathing us both in golden afternoon. The warmth of his touch, and the unintended taunt from his arm pulling me towards him and his jacket ever so slightly wrapping over my back. The slight, dense smell of coffee wafting from him and his minty breath cutting through. Thats how I remember him. Warm. Sincere. Safe. Zach would probably say that was the moment we became best friends. I, on the other-hand, would say that was the exact moment when I fell for him.

We did everything together from then on: Ate together, joined the same clubs, signed up to the same classes- that first year we were inseparable. Best friends to a tee. I’m not even sure what he saw in me- the guy was a hell of a lot more sociable than I was. He could literally find anyone else on campus, yet I had the privilege of being his roommate and friend. I commit that wonderful first year to my life. It is my happiest year to date. I commit that version of Zach to myself as well.

Trouble started early in our second year. He spent all summer back home, hanging out with his high school friends and his brothers. When we finally met back in our new room, he seemed distant. Still, I made the effort, getting closer and closer to him every day. He’d been sending signals too, I think. A stray touch, just a half second too long. A lingering stare in my direction. A gentle smile when I ask him a bout his day. I had to know for myself with certainty. 

So, one terrifying October night, I asked him straight up.The fucker laughed. Cruel, hideous, insensitive laughter. I’d never felt more alone in my life than when he laughed at my confession. That broke something in me. I quickly ran to my bed, crying myself to sleep. Without skipping a beat, Zach left the room to grab a bite to eat, seemingly unchanged by my outright confession. I had never been so humiliated in my life, yet only he would ever know. Still I felt him hold that over me in the weeks to follow like a dark cloud. Of course he’d still offer hangouts. He’d ask for help with some dumb assignment or try to get me to open up by faking some issues about himself. He was mocking me. I felt his sneer, ever-present from behind. Thats when I began researching alternative methods to exact what I needed from him.

Why a private university had a book like this is beyond me. It was a spellbook. A dangerous one, at that. All manner of incantation and processes regarding the human soul. I poured myself the next few weeks on its pages religiously. Translation is a massive pain in the ass but it gets done.

“Love cannot be created by spell,” it stated. Leave it to a fucking book to let me down too. I wiped away stray tears until I caught sight of the last batch of spells. I sighed at its contents. Fine. I couldn’t make him love me through magic, but I could have him the next best way. His body. The final section of this book of spells is, of course, the curses and enchantments required to possess another being.

———

The preparations have been made. It’s another late, awkward night in our room, where he just passes by, gives me a nod and a grimace and then heads to bed. This night would be different. I chant the words. The price is steep. Half of my body’s lifespan for the ability to take someone over in their sleep. That’s the one I settled on. Of course, there were more permanent spells outlined, but this seemed to be a happy medium.

The magic is dark in nature, and I feel the cloud over me deepen. I feel myself detach. It’s weightless, but grounded. Makes sense, given the purpose of this spell. I watch my target and lick my astral lips. There he was, happily dreaming without a care in the world. I study every curve, like sculpture. He is muscled, but tone. Zach likes to sleep with his shirt off, so I get to see what powerful chest up close. I watch as powerful lungs, drawn in air before gently dispersing it. Perfection. I watch that beautiful face lie still in a satisfied smile. Angelic. This body is power, incarnate. My power, soon.

I follow closes until I am but inches from his face. I stir around him, slightly. I want him to know it’s me. Bleary eyes open and he gives a weak smile when he sees me. “Dude-” the smile quickly fades to shock. “Wait what the fuck...” in sinful glee I push into my man. He involuntarily absorbs my particles, my spirit. He tries to push me away, to get me off him. Hands are useless to stop me. I phase through them with no resistance. His breath quickens as he begins to panic. This only further brings me into him, as he is forced to breath in the only air around him-me. 

Then, he starts choking, trying to force the parts of me in him out. I am unfazed. Instead, in I keep filling into him until all of me is inside. This is the way we were meant to be. He pulses and convulses and chokes while I align myself into him. I revel in Zach. In being Zach. Despite all the shit he pulled this year, he still is perfection. My perfection, now. 

I command his lips mine. “Invoke me. Become me. Manipulate this body. Explore us. Stay, in me. I want you here, forever.” They’re not words he usually uses. I rile in a frenzy when these phrases leave his lips at my behest. When his voice becomes my own and I make us moan. When his body complies with my every whim. When Zach’s flesh is mine. It is euphoric. Orgasmic even. I intend to follow through, to reward it. To pleasure it. God it feels good being in him. Being him. He may not love me, but love me he will, even if indirectly. Every waking moment I spend inside this man will be a moment of him loving himself, loving me. Now, And then I feel it. I clutch my head in pain. Zach.

Veins strain in his forehead as he puts every last effort to exorcise me out. Resistance almighty in this body. In tears I feel myself stripped from momentary heaven. He chokes as a dense fog that is me escapes his mouth. He is successful.

When I am kicked out of his body abruptly, I flare in anger. How could he do this? How could he? I look back at my slumbering form. No matter. My resolve is steel. Somehow, somewhere deep inside me, I knew somewhere it had to come to this. I chant the final curse mentioned in the spellbook. The price is the steepest of them all.

I watch as my physical form dissipates. I writhe as I am renewed with newfound energy. Potency. Virility. I’ve put in everything. Everything I ever was into becoming him. Zach would be mine, no matter what. 

Before he can readjust, before he can even think about what had just occurred, I flood back inside my man. Inside my body. My one true body, now, given what I had to sacrifice. I make him smile while he takes me in. Smile in preparation of a new, permanent driver. I thrust my astral form inside its new home. It’s warm. Roomy. muscular. We make this body grin, shout, cry, writhing all the way in its sheets in our battle for control. I’m not even sure he knows what he’s doing when he fights me- but he always was a natural in everything he picked up. I feel our shared muscle contract and relax as it is forced to accept its two masters- soon to be one. Soon to be me. Zach’s soul was strong but no one was a match for the full force of an entire human body-turned-spirit. I feel his soul start to lose footing. Jackpot. Immediately fill take its place. My place.

I was far deeper in Zach now than I was before. His essence struggles, trying to escape me but I keep us steady, hold us tight. Our minds begin to connect this time around and we sync. The book said this was a necessary step. I blink away our tears into a satisfied smile. Our face is flush from the fight, flush from my greatest victory. “You’re mine forever,” I think to myself, My words. The verbalization of my invasive thoughts in his head- they’re spoken in his tongue. In his jock-like inflection. I even now think in his voice. Of course, it’s relatively minor in the grand scheme of things. Yet it is undeniable proof. The finality of it all. Proof that my body no longer existed in this world. Proof that for me, forever, Zach would be my default. Just one last step to it all. One last push- I’ve already given this much, there was no going back. I would displace Zach as the true owner of this body. It’s as the final line in the book states: “Encapsulate their soul, devour it, digest it, make it yours. Then, true control at long last.”

Tears stream down our shared cheeks as we both realize the true gravity, the true consequences of my actions. We are synced now, but I haven’t yet completed the process. So, our emotions are a mix. So, it’s bittersweet. He’s mine. We’re one. I’m finally with Zach in a way most intimate. Despite it all, he isn’t fighting back. Why?

I rage inside him, wanting him to be mad, wanting him to hate me, to give me justification my ultimate transgression. He offers none. Instead, I am hit with borrowed clarity. More of his memory floods into me and I begin to cry. 

I watch my every worst moment through his lens, relive the demons of my past and yet, from his perspective they never looked quite as dark or traumatic as I had made them out to be. Even my confession itself, my initial catalyst, had merely been a blip in Zach’s mind. If anything, he had been more concerned that his own nervous laughing was the cause of my spiraling. I quickly realize how much wasted time I spent, building up Zach into this god in my head. My god. In the end, he was human after all.

I feel Zach pull instances of himself from my memories in turn. It turns out he had many, many insecurities as well. Many moments where he needed validation or support. Many moments, even in recent memory, where I had never picked up on on his fear and self doubt. An offhand comment here. Some self-deprecation there. Of course, stupid me always there to respond by telling him to quit joking around. I felt the months of torment he felt in my coldness after my confession. He wasn’t making fun of me or being an ass, he wasn’t even patronizing (well, he wasn‘t trying to at least)- he thought he was losing a friend. The guy was just a bit oblivious. God I was so dumb. Of course, he blames himself for my eventual actions. Poor guy. Zach didn’t deserve any of this- he never did. “Thank you” he cries in new clarity.

In mental tears I begin to undo my connection to him. It’s not something he had the capacity to do himself- I made that a reality when I used my physical form as tribute. I know the price which must be paid, for my greatest sin, born from misunderstanding. There wouldn’t be much left for me- the price for the spell was my physical body after all. It didn’t matter. I made that choice for myself when I recited the spell. But Zach... he had no choice at all. He still had a chance at a life. A life well-lived with knowledge and confidence gained from my memory. It was the least I could give him.

I begin to drift away as I balance the cosmic scales. I detach the last of myself from Zach, ready to give him back his body, ready to return him to his life. It’s merely a reverse of the process from before, yet it all feels lighter somehow. I take it as a sign of karmic justice. Of course, I am scared. Who knows what awaits me? Maybe I can find another body to inhabit. Maybe one in a coma. Maybe i’ll be reincarnated. Maybe nothing. Maybe I’ll just vanish on the spot...

Zach doesn’t give me the chance to find out. I feel his astral hand holding on to mine. His face is sympathetic. Kind. Warm. Like it used to be. Like it always was. His body leans up to pull me into a warm embrace. I start crying in spirit. “You, you don’t have to do this-” 

“I know” he says. He pulls me tighter. “Roommates for life, remember?” Now he’s crying. “There’s no way to go back- we both know that, but you still got a life to live-we both do.” He smiles as he guides me to himself. I reattach to him. We weave our souls as one. “C’mon man, I told you I grew up sharing a room.” I am a complete mess of emotions at this point. Unworthiness, Love, Relief. I feel his mess too. Neither of us knew where to go from here, but we both knew we’d face it together.

The experience was sobering, to say the least. We cried together that night. We cried at newfound realization. We cried at irreversibility of what I had done. Hell, we even cried at the extra rent that had to now be paid. I had no way of undoing what I did, and Zach wouldn’t let me go. In the end, we decide to just give it a go, a resolve to live as one person. “Zach 2.0,” as he jokingly put it. Dork.

———

“A happy accident,” is what Zach called the events of that night. He always was the optimist. Although, these days, I’m a bit of an optimist now too. I am Zach now too, after all. All things considered, we’ve done quite well together. Zach 2.0 was everything. We were smart, intuitive, confident, compassionate. We’ve made this body the healthiest it’s ever been. Hell, together we even graduated with honors, something neither of us could ever hope to do alone. Both our parents were real proud of that one- he told mine at my funeral that we had been together and we’ve been in close contact ever since. By no means were we the perfect man though. There was no perfect man. We’ve had our share of fights, struggles, times where one of us would take full control of this body we share, shut the other out.

Once in a blue moon, we both dream of what our lives could have ended up as, had I not done what I did or had he let me disappear that night. In retrospect, I really do think my life had a lot of things going for it. Hindsight is always 20/20, as he likes to say. I saw many an opening, so many areas for improvement that my younger self was blinded by in lust and perceived betrayal. There was so much life I could have lived, had I just not opened that stupid book. I don’t dwell on it too much though. We’re both quite happy sharing this body. I’m living in one body with my crush, whats not to like?

The first few months were quite jarring. Our friends and family would see us happy and outgoing at one moment and then flip to quiet and reserved on a flip of the switch. Gratefully, they been patient with us, assuming it was the byproduct of a grieving boyfriend. The more years I grow with him, the more alike we have become. Sharing one body and living one life tends to do that. I’ve probably rubbed off on him a little too. He’s just a bit more analytical now, a bit more perceptive, and I’ve learned to let loose every once in a while. Altogether, we make a great team. We’ve even managed a slew of relationships along the way. Hell, he’s even gone out with some guys-no doubt a byproduct of my soul being a part of him. Of course, in the ultimate cruel twist of fate, they never last- he tells me “none ever match me”. Well of course they can’t. I’ve lived every moment with him, felt his every thought, lifted him when he was up, consoled him when he was down. Ironically, in a roundabout way, the spell did end up causing love, causing for him to fall for me- at the cost of us never being able to be a couple in the physical sense. Guess you really can’t have it all.

In the few years we spent together my love for him has only deepened. I know he feels the same way. We are one person, after all. All things considered, it’s not a bad setup. If love on the physical plane happens, it happens, and if it doesn’t- then we still always have each other. Regardless, I’m sure we’ll find someone out there for the both of us, someday-there’s that optimism again. Of course, we don’t pine for it. Our main focus has always been each other. Growing together. We’ve got a whole life yet to live. And he’ll have me with him every step of the way. And we can’t wait to face it all, together.

-End-

Eh, it’s a bit underdeveloped but I’m not a novelist and I didn’t want to spread this out over parts. Going for something a little different with number 14- hope y’all like it!

[hotdemonsummer]

Obey Me! and Angelology and Demonology

 alternatively titled Lets Get Into Lucifer

This is yet another long, long post about the lore of Obey Me! from the perspective of historical and theological angelology, and demonology or the study of angels and demons respectively, because I think it’s neat. I also talk way too much. I’m scared to check the word count on this.

Disclaimer: I am not an expert on anything, and certainly not on religion. I just like comparative theology. Also, spoilers for lesson 43/44.

What is an angel? And what, in turn, is a demon? It depends on who you ask. All religions that have angels have a general consensus that they are spiritual beings, intermediaries of some kind of higher power. Demons, on the other hand, are much more vague beyond general malevolence toward humanity. Any connection between the two is entirely dependent on the culture and religion in question. Some have angels but not demons, and many have vice versa.

There’s generally four kinds of spirits that are considered demons:

Dead people with extremely bad vibes (think mogwai, yuurei, and other revenants)

Neutral-to-malevolent energy, physical form optional (think djinni or yokai)

Cult subjects (including foreign gods and ancestor worship)

Corrupted angels (either fallen or Nephilim)

The word demon comes from the Greek δαίμων, or daimon, but the concept of a demon is much older than the Greeks. The original daimon had none of the malevolent, evil associations that we now think of. Instead, daimon just described a kind of powerful spiritual entity (for example, δαίμων is the term Euripides uses for the new god Dionysus in The Bacchae). What we think of as demons now didn’t exist in Greek culture, and the negative associations came when the Tanakh was translated from Hebrew to Greek, but even then shedim aren’t identical to the contemporary depiction of demons that we see in Obey Me!, which, like everything else in Western society, came about through the domination of Christianity.

Shedim, the precursor to the Christian demon, was more or less a term for false gods, a title for the various Levantine pagan gods (see: origin of Beelzebub, Belphegor, and pretty much every demon that starts with Bel- or Bal-). 

Obey Me! pretty much canonizes Type 2 and Type 4 demons, with characters like Diavolo, Barbatos, and Satan as Type 2 and the other brothers as Type 4. Historically, Beelzebub and Belphegor are Type 3 (Beelzebub and Belphegor being Levantine gods), Mammon being Type 2 (a general personification of Wealth, although Milton did write him as a Type 4 in Paradise Lost) and Asmodeus being somewhere in between Type 2 and 3 (being heavily derived from a Zoroastrian daeva of wrath). Lucifer is, historically, the only consistently Type 4 demon.

I don’t think I have to explain what a fallen angel is to any OM! fan. But I will. 

Let’s talk about these guys. We’re all familiar with Satan’s weird complex about Lucifer, and I’m sure we’re all equally familiar with how Satan and Lucifer are terms used interchangeably for whatever being is The Big Bad of Hell. However, they’re not synonymous.

Satan derives from the same Proto-Semitic root as shayatan, which... should be pretty obvious, but nonetheless has a pretty analogous role as a tempter of men in the Abrahamic religions. Beyond that “tempter of men” title, though, the actual details of what Satan is is incredibly varied, including whether or not “Satan” is a name or a title. In Christianity, the view of Satan as an extremely powerful and evil corrupter of man, wholly opposed to God, came around the Middle Ages, when witchcraft hysteria spread.

Lucifer, on the other hand, is simultaneously a figure originating in Christianity and much, much older than it. The term of course means “light-bringer”, and is heavily associated with the morning star, aka the planet Venus. To make a very long story short, many Mesopotamian, Levantine, and Mediterranean cultures saw the lowering of Venus toward the horizon at night and thought, “hey, thats a pretty neat image!” and created stories about heavenly beings falling toward the earth. Of course, they didn’t use the ‘term’ Lucifer, that’s Latin, and came from the Vulgate Bible.

The term Lucifer does not exclusively refer to The Evil Fallen Angel™ in Christian texts (some very sacred things like the Exsultet explicitly refer to Jesus as Lucifer), but it sure is the most popular interpretation. In works like Paradise Lost or the Divine Comedy, the general idea is that the angel Lucifer rebelled against God in some way and was cast out of Heaven, then becoming Satan, and thus the two are one and the same.

(inb4 some Quora-type chews me out for accuracy’s sake, the “lucifer” mentioned in Isaiah 14:12 refers not to any angel, but to a Babylonian king. The whole fallen angel thing, much like the beatitudes or Bethlehem or Christmas, is a fusion of pagan influences.)

In other words, Lucifer is always and has always been a fallen angel. Satan, on the other hand, doesn’t have those connections to angelhood, and the two figures have an undeniable connection despite their clear individual differences. Sound familiar?

The next question is then what kind of angel is Lucifer anyway? to which you might be thinking, wait, there are different kinds? Yes, holy shit, there are so many kinds of angels and very little consensus on what they are. In terms of Christian angelology (because again, Lucifer is a uniquely Christian/derivative Christian figure unless you exclude Leland’s Aradia which I don’t because lbr they were Italian anyways), most hierarchies are based on the work of this guy:

This man has the incredibly succinct name of Pseudo-Dionysius the Areopagite, and sometime in the 5th century he wrote a book called De Coelesti Hierarchia. It orders the *WTNV voice* hierarchy of angels into three levels called spheres, and each sphere has three sub-levels called choirs. Many, but not all, of the choirs are adopted from various Jewish angelic hierarchies. If you thought that it was just angels and then archangels were, like, the middle management version of angels then you are very wrong. I’m sorry that television lied.

You know who also lied? Tumblr dot com and any post that implies that the true form of angels is a big wheel with a bunch of eyes. That is, in fact, a descriptor for only one kind of angel: ophanim, or thrones. The depiction of angels runs the gamut from winged humanoids to multi-winged humanoids with multiple animal heads to burning snakes to vague heavenly mist.

Archangels and angels are the eighth and ninth lowest choirs of angels, respectively. Angels, or malakhim, are the default messengers of God and the choir from which guardian angels come from. Generally, if someone claims to have a message from God delivered to them, it will be an angel doing it. If it’s really important, it’ll be an archangel. Everyone else literally has more important things to do. No one’s getting visions from dominions.

Lucifer’s (the theological one) actual designation is kind of a mystery. Depending on the text, Lucifer has been described as a seraph (the highest), a cherub (the second highest), or an archangel (the eighth). According to Thomas Aquinas:

Lucifer, chief of the sinning angels, was probably the highest of all the angels. But there are some who think that Lucifer was highest only among the rebel angels.

Not very helpful, but hey. The question remains: what kind of angel is Lucifer, and this time I mean our Lucifer. 

We know that Michael, just like his namesake, is an archangel. We also know that (SPOILERS) Simeon, unlike his namesake, is an archangel as well (Simeon is a saint, not an angel.) Lucifer likely was at their level, if not higher.

However, Lucifer was also a six-winged angel, a depiction generally reserved for seraphim (and cherubim, but far less frequently).

Moreover, in terms of role, an angellic Lucifer fits well with that of the powers, the sixth choir. Powers are in charge of moving the heavenly bodies, and are depicted as powerful warriors dressed in beautiful armor. It's fitting for a being so closely tied to the morning star to be a power, after all.

So, with all that considered, what is Lucifer? 

Well, he’s a seraph (or saraph, technically). Why? Because Simeon is somehow a seraph and an archangel (I have already written too much to unpack that bullshit), and Mammon was a throne (remember those wheels with eyes?) and Beel was a cherub and therefore Lucifer had to be higher than both of them (interestingly big brother Mammon is in a lower choir than little brother Beel). This makes Michael kind of, well... weird, given the archangels’ low rank.

Some like to differentiate between archangel the eighth choir and Archangel, with a capital A, as a term for any high-ranking angel. While this is likely what Solmare is doing, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that this has zero basis in any religious text whatsoever and is solely done for the convenience of not remembering anything besides angel and archangel. Which is like, fine, but I’m a pedantic jerk who I found claims to the contrary while researching and I felt the need to correct that.

Anyways, the more you know.

[dirtycreekwater]

Running Away Is Easy

Buck’s hidden it really well but he hasn’t been himself since the lawsuit. so he decides literally following in his sister’s footsteps is what would be best for everyone.

word count: 734

part one. part two. part three. part four.

tw • neglect mention, violence mention, accident/injury mention. natural disaster/drowning mention, ptsd/dissociation type symptoms, anxiety/depression/insecurity themes • tw

a/n: this was originally going to just be a one shot song fic for time moves slow but then listening to to build a home gave me an idea on how to make it a lil series so enjoy lol also im sorry if theres ever any parts that don’t make sense i wrote this when i was sleep deprived and tbh thats usually how im able to write lmfao

——————————————————

I found you at the window again

Looking out, watching the leaves falling in

And it was something like a dream

Wow, so perfect, couldn't talk to me

Buck wasn’t entirely sure when he had made up his mind. Maybe it was during the aftermath of the lawsuit. Maybe it was when he learned his parents kept a huge secret from him and never really wanted him. Maybe it was when Bobby tore into him for basically painting a target on his chest. Maybe it was when Chimney lost control and hit him. Or maybe it was one of the times Eddie falls quiet in his presence, and simply watches the world go by.

Time moves slow

When you're all alone

Sometimes Buck swears he’s still under the ladder truck, and everything that’s happened since has all been a vivid hallucination. He almost wished that were true. Maybe there’s a version of himself that didn’t fuck everything up beyond total repair.

And the time moves slow

When you're out on your own

Other times Buck feels like he’s drowning. Like the waves of the tsunami pulled him under, and he never resurfaced; he’s constantly struggling against the force and he can never swim fast enough.

And the time moves slow

When you're missing a friend

Things seemed to have gone back to normal from an outside perspective. To him though his family has never felt the same.

And the time moves slow

When you came to the end

At this point Buck was on autopilot, just moving through the motions. To others he seemed fine. Like Buck 3.0.

He had never felt more numb.

Running away is easy

It's the leaving that's hard

Logistically, Buck knew his decision to leave and start over wouldn’t be too difficult. He’s done it so many times before he’s lost count. It was different now though. He finally had a real family, a stable job. People to come home to. Was he really going to leave that all behind? It may not be the same anymore, but it’s still something. And maybe something was all he needed. Just anything to hold on to. Even if his grasp was slipping more and more everyday. It was lonely but it was tangible and reachable. Nothing else existed outside of this bubble he’s created. It was all a concept. A what if.

Running away is easy

It's the living that's hard

He just wasn’t really sure if he was truly living anymore. Was trying to hold onto something that could so easily be taken away worth it? Bobby would probably give him that look, and say yes. Yes, of course it’s worth it. Hold it as tight as you can. You’ll regret it if you’re the one to let go.

And loving you was easy

It was you leaving that scarred

Bobby’s advice wouldn’t help much though. So many people have left him already. Maddie abandoned him and then left again, Chimney basically left twice; the punch was the first loose thread, leaving tore everything to shreds. Eddie never physically left, but does that matter when it constantly feels like he’s pulling away?

But what was I to do?

Just couldn't help myself falling in love with you

And what could I say?

Oh, if I had another chance

To make you stay

'Cause when you ran away

I knew just what you were thinking that day

You just didn't love me like I do

Like I love you

To think Eddie could ever love him back was foolish; a pipe dream.

The sad thing is we're better off this way

Time moves slow

When you can't have a thing

Time moves slow

When you're lost in the dream

Time moves slow

When you wait by the phone

His decision was final. He wasn’t going to drag anyone down with him anymore.

Buck set his car keys down onto the counter, grabbed his luggage, and made his way out of the loft that never quite felt like home.

And as if Sunny California was mocking him, rain poured down his back as he rushed to catch the next bus out of the city.

His phone managed to survive the torrential downpour so he checked the time.

7:30am. Thirty minutes into his shift.

He hasn’t received a single call or text.

And the time moves slow

When you're all alone

[fktonofwhatnow]

ok hold on. acomaf is my fave book out of the whole series (it's mostly out of emotional value, i read it when i was younger and didn't have a real understanding out trauma and abuse only that i saw a character i loved getting out of a bad situation and getting happy) so obviously i didn't mind feysand being endgame and the development all of the characters had. i can accept tamlin turned out like that is realistic due to his trauma, i can accept feyre had to flee because it wasn't right for her, but the thing is after acofs i see no point to feyre leaving tamlin when rhysand ends up doing everything they told us tamlin was evil and unredeemable for. hiding the risks of her pregnancy, putting on shields on her, having feyre need to compromise over it. i honestly felt so betrayed by that. i'm not saying feyre and tamlin were good for each other, but it doesn't feel worth it to dismiss the potential they had for what we got with feysand.

also, sarah learn to treat "ugly" trauma with respect challenge. no they don't need to learn to physically fight to fight it. no they don't need a love interest to overcome it. yes the behaviors acquired from trauma and abuse aren't pretty but that doesn't mean a person is undeserving of kindness and compassion.

i think i had a point somewhere but i can't get to it. so hope you don't mind my rambling. anyway i loved your meta about tamlin i think he deserves better too

HOLY SHIT THIS ONE IS SO GOOD OK IM SO EXCITED

Bro you are so fine, I'm the one who doesn't make any sense and I totally get what you're trying to say. (Acomaf was actually my favorite book in the series too ngl)

BUT FUCK YEAH LETS TALK ABOUT RHYSAND.

I don't think it's a secret that Rhysand is one of my least favorite characters in media, probably ever? (How do I even put this into words) He is a bad character and to me, laughably so. You know how if you've ever written a character, there's that little phase that's like "what if people don't like this character' and then you're sad for a little bit? That's how Rhysand feels to me. He feels like SJM looked at this character and thought "I can't stand the thought of people not liking this character because I love him so much" and then did everything in her power to make sure we know how great he is.

Idk if this is just me screaming into the void, but I get to this place with my characters where like, especially if they are a little more morally gray or their decisions have negative impacts, I understand that I don't need the audience to like my main character. they can stand on their own, they can own up to what they do and they can grow from it. Thats what a good character does. That's how you keep your audience rooting for them. You gotta knock them over sometimes.

SJm doesn't knock Rhysand over. She doesn't push him to make mistakes, apologize, own up and move on. Rhysand has never made a decision that ended poorly for him. Everything goes the way he wants it to, because SJm wants us to know how cool and great he is. People who are cool and great don't make bad decisions! SJm doesn't let Rhysand fail, and she doesn't let him suffer his own decisions. Everyone else suffers his decisions, not him.

Rhysand's reputation as a good person hinges entirely on the audience liking him and/or thinking he's hot. And then what happens when the audience thinks neither of those things? Ya get a rly long post like this by a lil enby who is mad all the time. Rhysand loses all credibility when you look at him through a critical lens. Not a single thing the man does makes any goddamn sense. Here I thought acosf would give us a different perspective on Feysand and I was desperately hoping that Nesta would tell us what she really sees in them and how people around them really feel, I hoped that SjM would throw us for a loop and tell us that hey, she does know that Feysand are fucking toxic as hell and ruin the lives of people around them and she wants to show us that from an outside perspective but noooOoOOOoOoOOOO...

Instead we get Nesta hating herself because Rhysand told her that she shouldn't tell Feyre that Feyre could uh die in childbirth. Hey what the fuck.

Now I don't actually ship feylin, I kinda always sorta knew, even without spoilers, that it wasn't going to work out. Tamlin isn't sjm's idea of a good partner because he's not charming and witty and dark and handsome ya know? We met Rhysand and I knew that I was going to fucking hate this romance. Which sucks because I found Rhysand so intriguing in the first book. Ngl all the time spent in the spring court was kinda boring and every time Rhysand showed up to throw dead faeries at Tamlin I was like "oooooo" and I wanted to know more about why Tamlin, this awkward, blunt and kinda shy dude had beef with this super duper sly and shady man from another court.

I don't know if I've ever said this before, but SJm doesn't let her love interests grow. Rhysand doesn't change over the course of the story because he was already a good guy and his motives were for Feyre's sake I swear, the same goes for Rowan in TOG. SJm doesn't give Rhysand room to change. She needs to get to the part where they fuck make sure everyone knows that Rhysand is a good guy and actually he was good all along so that we like him more than Tamlin. It backtracks on everything bad Rhysand has ever done because you know... He had a good reason! It's fine!

I know it's probably just because SJm doesn't actually know how to write a good character growth arc but... Like can you imagine if Rhysand stayed the bad guy? Or at least remained the bad guy through acotar and acomaf? And then when Rhysand comes to take Feyre for his bargain it really was only to spite Tamlin? What about Rhysand, taking Feyre to the night court with him once a week every month for a long time, if only to see Tamlin's eyes grow darker and emptier every time he goes, and then he really starts to fall in love with Feyre. He's been a monster all this time, angry and cold and cruel and then he actually starts to fall in love. And then to get Feyre to stay he really does try to change, he stops antagonizing Feyre, he stops throwing dead faeries at Tamlin, and he stops harassing the Spring court. He starts spending genuine quality time with Feyre, he starts to learn about her and all the things she likes and he stops trying to get her to come with him just so Tamlin will be mad. He starts asking her to come with him because he wants to be around her and he prays that someday she'll want to be around him too. What if SJm let him grow.

But nahhhhhh instead we have a character who always knows the right answer to things, and he always knows how to fix every issue, and he is always so innovative and outside the box except that he isn't. We get a character who does the same shit as Tamlin but it's ok because he had a good reason not to tell Feyre that she could very well die in childbirth. Uhhhh don't know what that is but uhhh I know he has his reasons because all he has are his reasons.

It would be so easy to hold a mirror up to Rhysand and say "look at this. Look who you are. Do you not look just like Tamlin right now?"

But nooooooooOoOOOo Rhysand doesn't get to be wrong. Rhysand doesn't get to look like Tamlin because Tamlin is evil and Rhysand is definitely NOT I SWEAR.

But yeah I think the point I'm trying to make is that Sarah thinks so highly of Rhysand that he could never do wrong. He could never be like Tamlin, despite the narrative literally telling us the exact opposite.

Like you said, we lost the potential of what feylin could have been if SJm didn't suddenly decide that her audience needs to love Rhysand as much as she does. I think feylin could have been slow and sweet and a story of true healing and learning about one another. I think it would have been kind and steady and lots of "are you ok"s and "I'm sorry"s and "talk to me"s. Everything about Feysand feels rushed and hard and fast and the rest of the world doesn't have time to catch up. It's fucking exhausting to read it ya know what I'm saying.

(also can we talk about Rhysand like dying and Feyre finding the suriel and learning he's her mate and then instead of being like "k let's put a pin in that and fuckin save his life first" she like throws him around and everyone is like "wtf woman" and she's like I neeD tO Be alOnE these people have no idea how to prioritize)

Truly, I think it's innocent to a degree. There is absolutely no harm in wanting people to like your character. The harm comes when you destroy another character with no reason or explanation other than you want people to like a different character. Villain arc? Completely out of left field. You gotta build to that shit or like... Make it so that when you look back you slap your forehead and yell at a wall "OF FUCKING COURSE I SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT"

anyways, SJm treat "ugly" trauma with respect challenge SECONDED.

WELL IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK ME WEEKS YO WRITE IM HAVING A HARD TIME I know it probably doesn't make any sense I can't find my braincells BUT thanks for the ask @xelly

Tell me all your acotar things I love yo hear them !!

[bigger-simp-than-kazuichi]

Skater kid!Todoroki x reader

Hey guys this is the beginning of my bnha skater au! I hope you guys enjoy!

(FYI this is also my 1st ff so pls don’t come at me ;-;)

(tw: swearing)

You never thought you would ever ride a skateboard in your entire life, that is, until your boyfriend Todoroki offered to teach you how to skate. He was pretty experienced, at least in your perspective, but he never thought of it as a big deal. You didn’t even think he even told anyone about his talent. These were your inner thoughts while you dressed up for your skate park date. You were dressed in a blue hoodie, adidas joggers and a pair of old skool vans.

As you were scrolling through Instagram, Todoroki sent you the text that he was in front of your house. Shit, you thought, as you rushed down the stairs and put on your shoes. Once you opened the front door, there was Todoroki in a black hoodie, black jeans with a chain on it, and a pair of busted up black slip on vans. He was also holding his skateboard. As you walked towards him, he gave you his little grin that you so loved. “Ready to go baby?” He asked.

“Yeah,” you replied, wrapping your arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug. He quickly relaxed into the hug and wrapped his arms around your waist. After you both pulled away from the hug, Todoroki set down his board and held out his hand for you to grab onto when you stand on it. “Todoroki, I will literally fall if I step on this.”

“And this is why we are going on this date, love. I’m teaching you how to ride.”

“Yeah yeahhh.”

You then placed your left foot onto his board, right near the center of the board. Then Todoroki, while still holding your hand, guided your foot, to the point your foot was covering the screws at the front. You then clenched his hand harder as you lifted your other foot and placed it on top of the screws on the other side of the board. Your boyfriend then looked at your stance as you struggled to stand on the skateboard alone. “You need to find your center of balance. Try leaning forward a bit.” And that’s exactly what you did, and to your surprise, it was working.

“Heh, you see this Todoroki kun? I’m doing it! I’m standing!”

“Yeah, with my help.”

“S-shut up icy hot idiot.”

“I-icy hot?”

You let out a chuckle at his slightly clueless nature. He then grabbed your hand harder and he proceeded to pull you while you were still on his board. That’s when you started to lose balance. “Just hold on to me, and I’ll pull you all the way to the park. To turn right you lean forward, and for left you lean backwards, but not too much.” You nodded and that’s exactly what he did. You continued to hold his hand and listened to his advice, moving towards the right when there was dog poop on the ground and moving to the left when the two of you had to move for an elderly couple going out for a stroll.

When you arrived at the skate park, you hopped off the skateboard and let go of your boyfriend’s hand. Todoroki seemed relieved that there wasn’t anyone around, so he got on, pushed off with his right leg, and rolled down the cement bowl like a pro would. You watched in awe as he did all those tricks flawlessly. He then stopped and ushered you to come down towards him. Once you reached him, Todoroki held out his hand again, and helped you mount his board. “I’ll teach you how to push off. You don’t have to push off a lot, but just enough so that you go somewhere.” You took your right foot off the board and placed it on the floor.

That’s when you heard yelling and laughing from the other side of the park and when you looked to see where they were coming from, you saw some familiar faces. Way too familiar. And they noticed you as well.

“Ayyyyy y/n! Todoroki!” Kirishima yelled as the hopped on his own skateboard and skated over to you. Behind him, Mina, Sero, and Denki followed.

“Yo!” You responded, then you looked at Todoroki. He didn’t show any emotion like usual however, your eyes focused on that bead of sweat that formed ever since he saw the all too familiar Bakusquad. It seemed like your previous thought of him not telling anyone he skated was actually true.

“Y/n!” Sero called, “is Todoroki teaching you how to skate?”

Todoroki let out a sigh, signaling me to just tell the squad the truth. “Yeah, he’s teaching me how to skate.”

Mina’s eyes lit up from the statement, “OH MY GOD THATS SO COOL! Todoroki! I didn’t know you skated!”

“I don’t think he told anyone about this.” Kirishima stated. “If he did, then we would’ve invited him. Ehh, he must’ve had a reason why he’s been hiding his talent. Yo Todoroki, wanna show us what you’ve got?”

Todoroki looked at you, probably wanting some reassurance, but all you did was give him a smile and a thumbs up. He sighed, looking back at the spikey redhead. “Yeah, sure.”

“ALRIGHT! WE ARE THE FIRST ONES TO SEE TODOROKI SKATE!” Denki exclaimed.

“Actually, I think y/n was the first one to see him skat-”

“SHUT UP SERO! THEY ARE DATING!”

“Alright, Denki, I was just saying,” Sero shrugged.

As you laughed at their argument, a familiar figure zoomed past you and the bakusquad. It was Todoroki, rolling back and forth on the steep half pipe. Now everyone was watching in awe while he did a sweeper, and many other tricks that you weren’t familiar with.

“YEAHHH TODOROKIII!”

After doing some more tricks he left the half pipe and skated over to you and the squad.

“TODOROKI YOU’RE SO GOOD WHAT??”

“DUDE YOU BETTER TEACH ME HOW TO DO THAT SPIN!”

“I-I can barely do an ollie...”

You patted Mina as she started to fake cry and gave your tired boyfriend a kiss on the cheek. Todoroki blushed at your gesture and ushered you once more to his skateboard and this time, you didn’t take his hand and instead you tried to push off on your own. Surprisingly, you were able to balance, at least, for about five seconds, until you fell onto the hard cement.

“Y/n!” Todoroki called as he rushed over to your fallen state. You grunted at the slight pain you felt on the arm and foot you used to support your fall. The half white half red haired boy checked the leg you fell and sighed in relief, seeing that you weren’t in too much pain and didn’t find any serious injuries, only a bruise on your knee. He used his quirk to make an ice pack for your bruise and hoisted you up on his back, giving you a piggy back ride.

“GAH Todoroki! I’m fine! You can put me down!”

“Ok, if you say so.”

He lightly placed you down but once you put support on your injured foot you winced, which unfortunately Todoroki saw.

“See, come on, we’re going back to your place.”

“Awww...”

“We can stop by the store and buy some ice cream.”

“Deal.”

You hopped on his back and while he supported you with his right arm, he grabbed his skateboard with his left.

“Aww, you guys leaving now?” Denki complained.

“Dipshit, y/n is hurt!”

“I KNOW THAT SERO!”

You and your boyfriend laughed at the two of them arguing and waved goodbye to the others.

Even though it was a short way back home, you felt bad that Todoroki had to carry you all the way back, but what could you do? He doesn’t seem like it, but when it comes to the people he loves, Todoroki Shouto becomes really stubborn, and to be honest, you found that really cute.

Once you reached your place, you gave Todoroki your key and he placed you down so that he could unlock the door, but he also made sure you were only getting support from your uninjured foot. After he successfully unlocked the door, he carried you again and laid you on the couch and left to get spoons for the ice cream. He gave you a spoon and watched as you immediately opened the ice cream and devoured it like it was your last meal. Of course, you saved some ice cream for him, because why wouldn’t you? After you two finished the ice cream, you rested your head on Todoroki’s shoulder.

“Heh, even though I’m technically crippled now, I had a fun time, thank you Shouto.”

After hearing those words, your boyfriend kissed the back of your hand, and then your forehead.

“Of course baby.”

[rein-ette]

Engport HC Series: Part 1a/?

oh my god ok so i just realized after @mr-nauseam liked my post (thank you) that i actually began writing iacta alea est to fulfill the "narrative of engport" request but i got so caught up trying to go all the way back to the beginning that i ended up planning a whole fic thats 99.99% about Other Things and only 0.01% actual engport and then promptly forgot who i wrote it for adsjcnlksjcelckjl i'm so sorry

As an apology here's some actual engport hcs about the beginning of their relationship, focused mostly on the feels rather than the specific historical events because that's usually how I think about character relationships (that is, i think about some aspect of a relationship that i want to explore, then choose an appropriate historical setting which reveals that aspect).

Headcanons Ahoy

So the major question I keep asking myself with engport, especially when I think about how they first met, is Why them? Why do these two kids click when they meet, and what draws them back to each other? I set Arthur and Ports meeting as the Seige of Lisbon in my timeline thing because i just think crusade + seige is such a dramatic setting fit for two Drama Queens ™ , but the 12th century is not favourable for budding relationships between two young nations that aren't even neighbours — how the hell would they have ever seen each other again? This isn't a "I found an italian in a crate and now after being forced to endure his presence for 10230482358 hours i think i'm gay for him" situation; history pretty much provided one shot for England and Port to make it work — if hadn't met and gone, "that's him, this is the one", then they wouldn't have seen each other again for centuries.

I think this holds true even if you change the setting and timing of their first meeting as well. Sure, the Anglo-Portuguese alliance is the longest ongoing alliance in history, but if we're being completely objective Port and England weren't each other's most important foreign relationship, like, ever. For Port that would probably have been Spain, and for England France or his brothers. So even after their alliance, why would they ever be more than passing friends? Pretty much what I'm trying to say is that the foundation of Arthur and Port's relationship was personal attraction, not proximity or chance; something in the time before they met each other prepared them to need each other, so that once they did meet they wouldn't let go.

That's why I went down the whole rabbit hole of the Roman Empire, because I think losing his mother and his time under Rome were formative experiences for Port, which changed him in a way that made him uniquely receptive (or should I say susceptible) to all of young Arthur's charms. Since humans have their earliest describable memories when their about 6 or 7, being torn away from his mother in a brutal war would have been one of Port's first clear memories. The ensueing years were no easier on him, as he (which i willl explore in the fic) and his brother were trained brutally before joining the Roman army. These are the years where Port learned discipline as a coping mechanism, as opposed to Toni who learned to obey. These might seem similar, but by discipline I mean forcing himself to carry out (often unnecessarily harsh) acts or measures, and seeking out unnecessarily dangerous experiences himself in order to release some of the tension inside. These are, of course, behaviours that Port continues to display even as an adult. In contrast Toni's obedience is more about wiping his mind and obeying like a toy soldier — if you have no choice anyways, why think and make yourself suffer?

Hence when he met Arthur, in the 12th century, Portugal was a somewhat subdued child of about twelve already disillusioned with much of the world and harbouring a hatred that he himself did not completely recognize or know where to direct. In fact, he was probably more disillusioned and suspicious than he is now, though he hid it under a mask of silence and cold, feigned disinterest. Of course, not all this has to do with Port's circumstances — its pretty contrived to attribute all of a character's bad traits to a "traumatic childhood", and in many instances Port simply acted and felt the way he did because he was a child who growing up in turbulent times did not yet know how to manage his anger, fear, or frustration.

But what does all this have to do with Arthur? Well, I think Arthur would have had (and still has) just the right type of personality to cut through all of this bullshit. Whereas Portugal wraps layer after layer of his grievances and unexamined feelings around himself, Arthur personality is like a firebrand in the night — destructive when handled incorrectly, but fierce and enthralling. As a child, Arthur wore his emotions not just on his sleeve but around him like a colour-changing flame; especially for someone as perceptive as Port it was just so incredibly obvious and fresh, so different from the scheming adults Port grew up with and Port's own tendency to shove everything inside and let it stew till it turned into toxic waste or something.

(if this is somewhat different from their current personalities, its because — obviously — they changed as they grew older, but also because they adopted things from each other: Port became more spontaneous, relaxed, generous with his emotions, whereas England became more introspective, pensive, learned to mislead and conceal)

anddddd this is longer than I thought so will do part 1b from england's perspective another day

[popcorn-hero]

The Tales of the Todorokis

Acknowledging character development and writing character development is not and making excuses for ones crimes.

Disclaimer: I read, I interpret, I express. This is a long post filled with images. Also probably some horrible grammar

Apologizing: Apologizing is  acknowledging ones faults and vowing to never commit the same mistakes. What has happened has happened. Nothing can change the past or the effect it had. What you do now, does not change or erase the past, but it helps guide a path of healing for the future. It can be the start of change and morphing into a better person. BUT, only if that person truly means it.

Apologies is not making an excuse for yourself.

Forgiveness: Forgiveness can be rightfully given, or not. It can be a tricky thing to understand at times. Forgiveness doesn’t remove the pain. Forgiveness doesn’t erase the memories. But for some people, forgiveness is a key to freedom, for inner peace. For other people, forgiveness doesn’t offer them that, and that's fine too.

We are not monoliths, we are individual people, with individual brains, with individual emotions, with experiences that affects us as individuals. Our stories might overlap - they might even be identical, but how we process it may not be.

I don’t like this narrative I’ve been seeing recently in the fandom of Horikoshi being an abuse apologist. I think Horikoshi is challenging us and its working. 

The Tales of the Todoroki’s: Enji, Rei, Touya, Fuyumi, Natsuo, Shoto

6 people

6 perspectives

6 stories

1 truth

Each viewpoint and each experience from everyone is very important in putting the pieces together (yes, even Enji). In fact, I think it was important to have Enjis viewpoint to the situation because it was such a contrast to what we’ve heard and seen from everyone else. In Enjis mind, he truly thought everyone was complaisant. He saw nothing wrong with attempting to live vicariously through his kids. In the same breath he expresses contempt for this children, its also laced with disappointment

He speaks of Rei as though she was consensual, but we know he essentially used her a valuable Mare and hurt her as well.

His treatment of Rei cannot be erased, justified, or forgotten. It happened. We as the audience are suppose to carry that in our minds because we are reading a story about Heroes. This challenges us to understand that heroic actions is not what a hero makes.

There are cops who (most of them tbh) that become cops simply for the power dynamic, not because they desire to protect. A lot of cops abuse their spouse.

 Rei: We are only introduced to her through the lowest point of her life and we have no insight on how Enji acquired her (yeah that sound harsh, but isn’t that what happened) nor her domestic life with him. What we know of her are scenes of her pain, and I think thats relevant enough. She may have had some “good” moments out of her situation, but she was still a mouse trapped in a lions den. Good days do not erase her state. Thats why this panel, was so odd to me 

Because it implies that Rei was complicit in having kids even though we as the audience understand that he basically brought her for that single purpose. Now note, this is coming from Enjs mouth, not hers so I can’t sit her be like “oh yeah she was fine with everything”

To me, this is simply Enjis projection because what was Rei honestly going to do? Say no? But who’s to say that she didn’t want Touya to be lonely? Idk, that panel was too wishy washy for me.

Moving on

She replies to Natsuo by saying that's not true

Its not in his defense like how Natsuo claimed. Rei never states that she forgives him, and we can see she is still on her journey of healing when she mentions shes still a bit scared of him. However, she acknowledges his acts as stepping stone for his own path of atonement.

If she does come to forgive him later in the story, thats her decision (Horikoshi actually lol). If she doesn’t, that her decision. 

Natsuo: 

The only insight from Natsuo is his resentment towards his father with what happened to Touya and the hurt of their mother. It is revealed later that Natsuo was Touya confidant in the house (I’ll get into that when I talk about Touya).

But He doesn’t forgive him....or hes not at that stage yet

When endeavor saves him from the villain, we are able to see Natsuos raw thoughts:

He’s conflicted: He wants to maintain the peace, but he can’t deny how he feels.

Natsuo felt like he had to compromise his feelings, and that shouldn’t be fair. Even thought he is the middle child, I feel like he took on the presence of the big brother and wanted to protect his siblings. But when you have a man like Enji as your father and you know how he is.....standing up to him as a child is terrifying

So when Enji says this

I’m like: DUH! Of course he would feel like that

But I’m taking this scene has Enji recognizing how he made Natsuo feel as a child which showcases. he owns up to the fact that he pushed Touya to the edge.

Yet with all that said, hes not suppose to forget. Hes not suppose to suppress how he feels. And even at his age, that child inside him still hurt and was never offered a chance to properly heal. I know what that feels like.

Natsuo must figure out what he needs to do to find peace - however that may be.

Fuyumi :

We don’t have much insight to Fuyumi and I’m sure  her experience is completely different from her brothers. One, because she was a girl and Enji is misogynistic, I doubt he gave her any type of attention as a father figure especially since she only inherited her moms quirk. I don’t recall  signs of physically abuse on Fuyumi and (Natsuo), but there probably was demeaning behavior at some point. Just being in that environment and seeing their sibling subjected to that, negatively impact her however 

But with Fuyumi, she is trying to move on

I think Fuyumi is on her path of forgiving her father -  thats her choice to make to find peace for her experience.  After expressing her desire  to move on as a family, she ask Shoto how he feels....

Oh my sweet prince Shoto: 

Shoto has a lot of baggage and being one of the main protagonist, we get a more in depth experience on his relationship with is father. I’m not going to go into too much detail because we all know he detested his father. I’m mainly going to focus on this middle ground that I find him at.

In the panels above he mentions having grudges and how it clouds the mind. Thats a toxic feeling to carry with you, especially when you’re trying to be a hero. He recognized that, and he’s been working on fixing that. Even his mother had to forgive herself towards what she did to him.

Shoto is not here to forgive Enji, hes here to forgive himself

What I mean by that is the fact that Shoto experienced self-hate. He hated a part of who was, how he looked, where he came from.  He had no control of his childhood, but he now has control of his future. At the sports festival, that was Shotos first step towards finding his healing. It wasn’t about Enji apologizing to him. It was about him.

And now look at him, he’s more social, more expressive, more powerful once he began to love himself. He got there on his own and with the support of his friends.

It doesn’t change what happened to him, and it doesn’t erase his feelings However, it gave him control over himself.

This is almost the same position Natsuo is in. He hasn’t seen anything (yet) for himself that warrants him to forgive his father. Maybe we will see it in these later chapters... maybe we wont.

Thats his decision

And last: Touya

Touya, touya, touya touya......

I honestly don’t know how to tackle his situation, but shoot me

From this memory (by Enji), Touya appears...enthusiastic. He appeared that he wanted to train with his father. 

And I think this is where things went wrong in his rearing. He was GROOMED .

Enji, being who he was, probably placed the ideas in Touya head of great success, importance, power, fame, ect. These things sound good to a child, and being the only child at the time, he had all his fathers attention. But as he got older and his quirk became incompatible, things started change.

Even before his quirk no longer became compatible for him, Enji still didn't see Touya as his ideal child, but he accepted it. Touya looks to be about 6 here meaning Shoto wasnt born yet or an infant.

 Going by the ages given for Shoto, Fuyumi, and Natsuo I’m going to state that 

Touya was 13 when he staged his death

Fuyumi was 11, Natsuo was 8, and Shoto was 5 and thats when we are introduced into in abuse.

So there is a 8 year window between Touya shift in his relationship with his father and the start of Shoto gaining his quirk.

That is a missing puzzle piece, and I can only speculate what happened in that time period to drive Touya to his mental breaking point and what his father did or, didn’t do for him.

Here, there is more white in his hair and he looks to be maybe 10? And this is when he starts to question his existence.

I can’t say all that Touya went through from the time Shoto was born to his faked death. 

I think Touya suffered from feeling abandoned by his father father, the feelings of being a failure because of these ideals of greatness only to be sideline. That he was just a placeholder like the rest of his sibling and not worthy to work along his fathers side.

I don’t think he faced the same treatment from his father as Shoto did.  I think he became blinded by approval and pushed himself to his limits to compete for Enji attention, He probably developed depression, anxiety, and a lot stressors as he became more and more incompatible with his quirk

And I think thats why there is the hate for Shoto because he feels like he took away his purpose ( which has nothing to do with Shoto but everything to do with Enjis grooming)

We know Touya is absolutely not on the scale of ever forgiving his father for what he did. For him to sit there and watch his father on TV and proclaim to be a hero when he knew what went on behind closed doors, it can drive him towards wanting to retaliate. 

His story showcases damages of a broken child. Where Shouto found liberation, Touya remained bound to the ambers Enji left on his worth and lies on being a hero.

Not everything can be fixed, and once a crack forms, it will continue to spread until it shatters.

In conclusion

The Tale of The Todorokis is not to serve as excusing abuse. Its a showcase of how 1 man can affect the lives of many people in different ways. It is a tale of moving forward, finding peace, and gaining control over your own person. 

Enji knows he can’t snap his figures and all will be well.  Though I think some actions he could have done was to take it upon himself to address the country, come clean,  and maybe retire as a hero, but he’s not a perfect character.

But I’ll take what I can get. Enji knows his place, he knows what he has done.

Happiness to his family is absence

Its there space

And there nothing more better he can do than that.

[easily-infatuated23]

Undercover- Part Three (Healer!Draco Malfoy x Reader)

Prologue, Part One, Part Two , Part Three, Part Four, Part Five

a/n: ok i kinda love where this is going and i’ve decided that the Reader is a spy lol comment if you would like to be added on the tag list for this series! also sorry if this is a cliff hanger 

pairing: Healer! Draco x Spy! (?) Reader

word count: 2.1k

warning: mentions of trauma and death

summary: During her stay at Malfoy Manor, Reader finds some evidence that will help figure out who had been ordering the killings of muggle-born witches and wizards but will Draco trust her?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This assignment had really taken a strange turn. Not only had I been imbedded with Death Eaters, but I had been stabbed and was now hiding in Malfoy Manor. Draco was much kinder and happier than the last time I saw him. Of course, I had heard the stories of this newer and better Draco, but witnessing it first hand was something else. No matter how many times I told him I had to leave to keep him safe, he would just assure me that the protective charms he placed around the house would keep us safe. I remained on edge. After all, safety is a matter of perspective. I had a feeling part of the reason he was against me leaving was not just for my safety, but I suspected he was glad to have the company. It truly was a large house. A large and empty house for just one person. With his father in Azkaban and his mother taking a much needed vacation abroad, he was the most alone he had probably ever been…physically that is. After my slip up in revealing the name of the organization after me, I tried to speak about the subject as little as I could. All I wanted was to be relieved of the burden I was carrying but, I knew if I did, Draco Malfoy would surely be killed. So, I continued to bear the burden of knowledge as Draco began healing me again.

Draco had lead me to his kitchen and motioned for me to hop up on to the counter. He had attempted to assist me but I was stubborn and struggled through the process myself. He opened his medical bag and pulled out a needle and suture thread. He rolled up his sleeves as he went to wipe some disinfectant on my side before turning to thread the needle “How did you figure out who I was?” I asked my Healer on the second day of my stay. “Well, the appearance change was pretty hard to see through but once those Death Eaters said your name at St. Mungo’s I remembered you”. “Remembered me?” I questioned. “I don’t think we spoke once while at Hogwarts and I have been off the grid pretty much since I finished there. Ouch! That hurts.” I said, wincing as he tended to my side. “Stop fussing, it’s only a few stitches. And if you hadn’t apparated I wouldn’t have to give you stitches you know” he replied, slightly laughing at my inability to stand the pain, especially after I had refused to let him use a pain relieving potion on me. I was worried I’d say something I would regret later. Whether I was worried about spilling something about my assignment or something else was still up for debate.

“You are avoiding my question” I said matter-a-factly. He sighed. “You knew me back then, I always noticed the pretty girls” he said with a slight blush. “That’s just a cop out answer, I don’t believe you” I replied, not making eye contact so that he couldn’t see the slight smile on my face. He shrugged his shoulders and stood up. “Believe what you’d like”.

He walked over to the sink and washed his hands. I jumped off the counter. “Fucking hell” I muttered. He laughed again. “You should take it easy for at least two weeks” he said. I groaned but then, remembered something. My heart sank a little as I remembered where I was and the history of this house. “Hey look I am gonna ask you a question that’s gonna make you really uncomfortable so I apologize in advance. And, please know I am only asking because I feel like I have to.” He turned to face me, a worried look washed over his face. “Do you have a record of all You-Know-Who’s followers? There were rumors about a book. I know he used this place as a headquarters during the second war and I am desperate for any lead on…..well a lead” I said, holding in my reasons. He grimaced slightly. “Unfortunately for me, yes but I guess that’s fortunate for you” he replied harshly. I felt guilty for bringing up the awful things in his past like this but I truly felt I had no choice. And besides, if this caused him to feel some apprehension towards me that might be beneficial in stopping his relentless questions.

He walked past me and began down a long hallway. I followed close behind him. He took a sharp left turn and continued down a spiral staircase that seemed as if it went on for ages. As he lead me down, neither of us spoke a word. When we finally reached the bottom, it felt like an entirely different place. This couldn’t possibly be the basement of the surprisingly homey manor I had just been inside. Could it? As we exited the staircase, we stood facing a large green door. The green paint on the door was faded, as if the door was centuries old but there was a large golden key hole shining on the front, underneath an equally shining golden door knob. The two looked as if they’d been installed recently.

“Mother and I tried to destroy it but nothing we did worked. There is some serious dark magic in this book. We locked it down here to make sure it wouldn’t fall into the wrong hands.” He turned towards me, his face only inches from mine. If he hadn’t done this in such a menacing way, I might have swooned a little but now was not the right time for that. “I hope I am not putting it in the wrong hands now” he said. I shook my head. It had just occurred to me, there was a possibility that he didn’t believe my story. I knew it was true and the thugs after me were good evidence in my favor, but it all could have been a plant. Thats why he was asking so many questions. Maybe I would have to tell him after all. He turned back around to face the door. He reached into his shirt and pulled out a small golden key on a string. Had he been wearing the necklace the whole time? I wondered why I hadn’t noticed. He took off the necklace and put the key into the hole. He took a deep breath and unlocked the door.

Once the door opened he stepped aside, allowing me to look inside the small room that had been revealed. The inside was dark and gave off a feeling of uncertainty and slight panic. There were only two things residing in the small room; a podium and a large black leather bound book. I started to walk in when Draco put his arm across the entrance and stopped me. “Prepare yourself. Once you go in and open it, you will never feel the same again. The book can have an effect almost like a Dementor” he said. “What exactly is the book?” I asked. “The Binding of the Death Eaters” he said with a shiver. “Before someone could receive the Dark Mark and be fully inducted as a Death Eater, they would have to sign their name. It binds your fate to the Dark Lord” he said. The way he stared at the book could only be described as a raging and powerful fury. I knew that Draco Malfoy had been a Death Eater but I had no idea that even after the Dark Lord had been killed, he still had so much power of Draco’s life. “I am really sorry” I began. “I know that sorry means nothing especially since I have forced you to come down here but I truly am. I’m also sorry that you never got to chose not to sign.” He looked at me. The fury was still spinning in his eyes but with every moment it lessened. He said nothing but simply nodded. I entered the room and, with a deep breath, opened the book. I titled my head to one side and turned to Draco. “It’s blank” I said. He looked almost relieved. “The names are only revealed to someone who has the Dark Mark” he said. “So you were testing me and my story” I said. He nodded. He then turned side ways and gestured with his left arm for me to exit the room. “This might freak you out so you might want to leave now” I said, pulling my wand from my jacket pocket. “Obscure Appareat Vestigium” I whispered, pointing my wand at my left forearm. The black skull appeared on my arm and a snake slithered out of its mouth. Draco stepped back with a horrified expression on his face. “It’s not a real Dark Mark and it’s not permanent” I said quickly. “The task force I’m apart of developed this charm for undercover work”. Draco looked me in the eyes, turned, and hurried up the staircase.

Now I’d done it. Just as he was going to fully trust me, I broke his trust. The look he gave me made me feel sick. Just another horrified face to add to the growing list that haunted my nightmares. I sighed deeply then turned my attention back to the book. I flipped through the pages. I saw plenty of names I recognized, all ex-Death Eaters who had wound up in Azkaban or served lighter sentences and some were names of people who were killed in the Battle of Hogwarts. I even saw Draco’s name. His signature was much shakier than most of the other names. He had been so young. The more I looked I realized something was missing. I started to realize an option that I had never considered. It made the sick feeling in my stomach lurch again but before I could fully register the awful feeling, I saw a name I recognized. This was a name I had never seen associated in this way with the Dark Lord. Suddenly, things started to make more sense. My heart was practically beating out of my chest.

I jumped out of the room and shut the door. Draco had left the key hanging on the door knob which I grasped and used to lock the door. That book had just become very important evidence in a trial no one knew was beginning. I spoke the Dark Mark removing incantation and raced back up the spiral stair case. When I got to the top I was out of breath. I turned right and made my way back into the kitchen. Draco was sitting at the kitchen table. He looked dazed and upset. “I can give you an explanation now” I said breathlessly, tossing him the key. He looked up at me suddenly, just barely catching the key. I had clearly startled him. “I know who is behind the Dark Saints and right now you may be the only chance there is that this will all stop.” He stood up. “What are you talking about? Stop what? You being chased?” He was clearly frustrated. “You have every right to be frustrated with me and I promise I will explain everything but first I need to get one more piece of information.” I said. “And what’s that?” he retorted, crossing his arms. “Do you know where I can get the last…let’s say year of Daily Prophet obituary sections?” He looked at me, clearly feeling very puzzled. “I mean…” he started, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. “I guess they did start offering a digital option two years ago-” “Perfect!” I said, cutting him off. I raced back up the stairs to his bedroom where I remembered seeing a computer. “Wait! What are you doing?” he called after me.

When I entered his room I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. I sat down at the computer and began furiously scanning through the obituary pages. He entered the room moments after me and stood over my shoulder, curiously watching my frantic scribbles. Once I had finished I slumped back in the chair for a moment. I hadn’t noticed when I started crying but once I did, the tears flowed at a hotter temperature and more quickly down my cheeks than they ever had before. I finally turned to face him. “There’s at least twenty of them” I said, trying to hold my voice steady. “What does that mean?” Draco asked. He understood that I meant twenty people had died but he wanted to know how that was important in my explanation. I slowly stood only to suddenly become so dizzy my balance faltered. “Y/N? Are you ok you’ve gone very pale”. I started to nod but then shook my head then everything went black.

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taglist!:

@pointlesscoconut @bi-andready-tocry

[argumentl]

The Freedom of Expression Ep 6 - 'Antrum', the most cursed movie in history.

K: Hi this is Dir en grey's Kaoru, and The Freedom of Expression..Joe san, Tasai san..

J: Yep

K: I think the viewers already realise this, but we're shooting four epidodes at once. (note:* the covid episodes were aired at short notice after ep 3*).

J: Yes, four.

T: Our clothes havn't changed.

K: Is our positioning ok like this? Wouldn't it be better with you in the middle, Kaoru?

K: Well, next time we could change seats if we want? But, I havn't seen you two in a long time, I thought it would be better to look at you from over here.

J: Ah, yes. If you are in the middle you have to keep looking from side to side..

K: Yeah, so..we could change seats next time...We might even change our filming location?

J: For sure

K: I don't know though...we can carry on without making too many set plans.

J: I see.

K: He's not coming out today, is he?

J: He's not. Let's leave him alone.

K: Well, shall we get started?... Oh, actually, when we finished recording the last epidode, my boss came here, and said 'that was a lie, thats wrong'.

J: Oh, what was it again? He took offense to something written in a magazine.

T:...and stormed over there.

K: He didn't actually angrily storm over there, he apparently went there, not to tell them to write nice stuff, but to get them to write what his band was really like, and he was fine with it then *1

J: Ahh, to stand out?

K: He was quite agitated. *T laughs*

J: No, but its a bit worrying isn't it? From the listeners point of view, you hear that type of story and interpret it as something amusing, the story gets communicated on in that way.

K: Well, theres no fire without smoke..

J: You mean, theres no smoke without fire.

K: Yeh.. Its because he's just a bit scary *the others laugh*, thats why that type of gossip appears.

J: Of course

K: Right?

T: I see

J: Well, we don't know what he was really like back then...

K: I don't either.

J: But he surely wasn't one of those cuddly, happy people?

K: People in bands were just kinda scary back then, right?

J: They were scary, yeah. But they were also really cool, weren't they?

K: *nods*

J: ..in reality....I think they were.

K: We're (Dir en grey) not scary though, are we?

J, T: Uhh... *K laughs*

J: You are not scary, but...

K: We're not THAT scary right? *laughing*

J: You have an incredible aura..

K: Well, lets leave it..

J: Fow now, lets just say your boss wasn't trying to make excuses..

K: Excuses? *laughs*

J: ..he was just trying to tell us that the stuff we said was not true. Right, well lets introduce today's topic.

' "You watch it, you die", Antrum - The most cursed movie in history.'

'Unbelievablely, its to be released in Japan, this incredible movie is to be screened. Filmed in California, America in 1970, the movie 'Antrum'. Rumored to be excessively scary, and to bring about misfortune to those who watch it, it was said that this movie should not be released, but buried and restricted. However, in 1988, it was screened for the first time in Budapest, Hungary, and during its screening, a fire broke out in the theatre and it burnt to the ground. 56 people died in this incident. Since then, whenever this movie is screened, the people involved have suffered mysterious deaths, one after the other. It became a work of art that no-one wanted to touch. Then, we arrive at the present day. After a long search, documentary movie makers Michael Licini and David Amito discovered the 35mm film reel of 'Antrum'. They have decided to screen it with the warning that viewers must take personal responsibility for anything that happens. The movie will be screened this year in venues across the country from Friday.'

K: Ahh, is it okay?...if this kind of incident occurs?

J: It says, if you watch it you die!

T: Its spooky.

K: Whether it lives up to expectations or not, theres trouble either way.

J,T: Thats right.

J: If people die, they're in trouble, and if people don't die, and they get sued for misrepresentation, they'll be like 'What? Arn't you glad you didn't die?!'

T: I wonder what will happen.

J: They say everyone has to take personal responsibility.

K: Well, I'm slightly interested.

J: Would you go and watch it?

K: Hmm, I want to see it, yeh.

J: You're attracted to it?

K: Um, Horror is...

Kami: Nononono! You must not go to see this, you must not go to see this!

J: Ahh, Kami says you musn't, he's worried suddenly....Its not okay, Kami?

Kami: No no, its not. I was quiet so far because I didn't want to have anything to do with this topic.

J: Oh, with this topic?

Kami: Yeh, its really scary.

J: Is this type of thing not good?

Kami: Its not good. I have to work nights..

J: Ah, night shifts? *the others laugh*

Kami: and I work alone.

J: Yeh.

K: Well, yeh, thats scary.

Kami: They say you'll die, I don't wanna die on my night shift.

J: Yeh, but gods can't die can they?

T: Right.

Kami: Well, outwardly.

J: What does that mean? Outwardly?? *laughing*

Kami: We don't die completely..

J: Oh, but from the human perspective you appear to die?

Kami: Yeah, I appear to die, but then am reborn.  *J, T laugh*

K: He doesn't need to be scared.

T: Pretty interesting.

Kami: No no, the bit where I appear to be dead..its kinda troublsome.

J: Its trouble? You're a bit nervous about that?

Kami: Yeh, im nervous. Its not good.

J: Its not good?

Kami: Yeah, going to see this movie is not good.

J: But, there is a certain attraction by people to these kind of supernatural, occult things isn't there?

K, T: Yeah, yeah.

J: You know, things that science can't prove.

Kami: Yeah, I know about all of it though.

J: You do?

Kami: Yes, I do. Because, god created everything on earth.

T: Well, yeah.

J: I see.

T: So, he shouldn't really be scared of this, should he?

K: Really, that makes this situation here part of the occult too, doesn't it?

J: This is the occult. *T laughs* Us talking to a god..*K laughing*  Talking to a god about movies even!

Kami: Well, there are many types of god aren't there?

J: Ahh, there are many types, yeh.

Kami: Yeh yeh, there are all knowing-all powerful gods...and gods like this one here. *the others laugh*

J: This god isn't very 'all knowing-all powerful'?

Kami: No, im probably in the lower orders.

J: *laughing* Yeh, we know that!

T: He sounds like a salaryman.

J: A hierarchy of gods..

Kami: Well, the middle-lower orders.

J: The middle-lower oders? *laughing*

T: Thats quite low, right? *J laughing*

J: It might just not be limited to recent times, but isn't there quite an occult boom going on now? How do you see it Kaoru?

Kami: An occult boom?

J: An occult boom.

Kami: Well, maybe its because a lot of things have already been solved. As science progresses, we know more...like the Higgs particle, you know it?

J: I've heard the name, but I don't know the details.

Kami: Its kinda like how the source of gravity was discovered. They spin it round really fast and crash it, right?

J: What a simple explanation!

Kami: Its in Switzerland!

T: In Switzerland...

J: They have the equipment to spin it and crash it powerfully, right?

Kami: Yes, yes. Atoms, they crash atoms into one another..and when they crash, the atoms break apart, and various particles have been discovered....and they saw a black hole forming and such. These kinds of mysterious things are really happening. *2.

T: Ehh, Kami, thats impressive.

Kami: So it could be just because of these solved mysteries, peoples' imaginations are swelling and giving them wild ideas?

J: I see.

K: Well, there must be people who like this stuff.

Kami: Wasn't my explanation easy to understand?

J: Yes, it was very well explained.

Kami: Spinning it around and bashing really hard, and then a kind of mysterious feeling...

*everyone laughs*

J: Thst is super easy to understand. Explained in simple terms.

T: Exactly

J: Only by a god..*3

T: Hey Joe, is that okay? *laughs*

J: Kami's awful aspects have transfered to me. *T laughs* The hopless parts. Those parts are showing in me.

Kami: Don't say hopeless!

K *laughs*

J: Oh did you hear that bit?

Kami: I heard it.

J: Of course, Kami hears everything (direct translation: hell ears)

K: This is awful!

Kami: Not hell, heaven.

T: Isn't this fourth time getting tiring?

*laughing*

J: Of course not

T: Actually, ive been to an event before where a spirit appeared.

J: Ehh?

T: When I say spirit, I mean Lincoln. There was a movie about the American president, Lincoln. So I went as a reporter to a weird movie event about it. And there was a medium there who could channel Lincoln so we could ask anything.

J: Wow...so, Lincoln spoke to you in person?

T: The medium started going 'Mmmghh mmmghh' and then 'Ready', so we all thought Lincoln had come to us, and we were told to ask anything, so someone asked 'Mr Lincoln, Mr Lincoln, what did you think of the movie? ..and after about three seconds the medium suddenly dropped down and said, 'Lincoln has left us'.

J: Ehh?! He didn't say anything?!

T: No, Lincoln didn't say anything.

J: Just 'Mmgh, mmgh'?

T: Yeah, and then he fell straight down..and was finished in three seconds. The whole venue had been waiting so eagarly...

J: What kind of article did Tokyo Sports write?

T: About how the venue was....*4

*laughing*

K: That fits well with this show!

J: This kind of chaos. So you were there, Tasai san?

T: Yes, I was reporting on it.

J: Oh really?

T: Yeh, that type of thing happened.

J: I wonder how the medium was after that, after Lincoln left.

T: She's getting paid for nothing.

K: Well, maybe some more accidents happened...

J: Oh yeah, she felt the danger. She didn't research enough before calling him.

T: She should have studied.

J: Maybe she didn't expect that many reporters?

K: Oh, maybe, she thought 'oh no..'

J: Maybe she was shocked to see so many people when she turned up. But the movie company paid her to promote the movie like this right?

T: Yes

J: Ahh, but people will probably go to see this movie right, Kami?

Kami: As for Lincoln coming down, he probably didn't say anything because he planned to speak in English.

J, T: Oh yeah.

K: Maybe

Kami: They forgot how to speak English?

J: I see..he hasn't been called in a long time, so even he forgot how to speak English?

Kami: No no, the medium.

J: Ah, the medium? Ah, I see.

Kami: Even I forget what to say sometimes, as soon as I think about it, and when im listening, you're like 'oh he's gone'

J: Isn't that dementia? Kami, can you speak to dead people like a medium can, can gods do it?

Kami: Gods? There are gods who can do that.

K: But you can't.

J: But you can't? 

Kami: No, I can't do anything *J laughs*

J: We can only pray to you?

Kami: Yes, only pray.

J: I reckon I could be a god then too.

K: Yeh, yeh.

J: Its pretty interesting, no matter what your capacity, you could be a god, right? *laughing*

Kami: No, being a god is not about your capacity...

J: Oh, its not, im wrong?

Kami: Are you making fun of me?

J: No, im not! Im just too naive.

Kami: Being a god is something you're born with.

T: Ahh, its deep.

Kami: Being a god is something you are born with.

K: He just said that.

J: Im kinda imagining him with a smug face right now. *K laughs*

J: I havn't met him so I don't know though.

Kami: Even though I can't do anything, Im different from you guys.

J: Ah, you are born different?

Kami: Yes, yes, yes.

J: You exist differently from regular humans?

Kami: Yes, yes, yes.

J: I see.

K: We're right back to the occult now, aren't we?

J: Yeh, this is almost like a Tokyo Sports kind of issue.

Kami: No, you mustn't doubt the existence of god!

J: Oh, you musn't?

Kami: You mustn't! If you do, and you watch this movie, you will die.

J: We'll die?

T: Scary!

K: I wonder if we'll really die?

Kami: So believe in god!

K: Oh, if you believe in god, you won't die if you watch this movie?

Kami: Yeh, you can increase your shrine donation or something..

J: It ends up with money again *K laughs* He always ends up talking about money.

T: Whats up with him? *K laughing*

J: He doesn't have anything nice to say. Its always down to money in the end. With Ghosn he was the same.

T: He was, yeh *laughing*

Kami: Thats right

J: This has nothing to do with the movie 'Antrum'...

K: So there is a subscribe option on youtube right?

J: Yes, if you subscribe for us...

K: I think I should say 'please subscribe', I havn't said it yet * T laughs*

J: Please subscribe, everyone.

T: Please.

K: If we get more subscribers, we can do more things.

J: Right

Kami: Yes, please subscribe.

J: Subscribers will probably...

*sound cuts out*

On screen message :The sound cut out for some reason. We'll let you know what they said. For now, this episode has ended .

*1 - Not 100% sure I understood this story right.

*2 Translating quantum physics isn't my strong point.

*3 Im fairly sure i've missed some nuance here.

*4 Couldn't catch this.

[sparklingpax]

Rambles about TFP Megatron

This is opinionated, based on speculation (is that the right word??) and memories of episodes and moments in books. Please don’t be offended and get angry at me. I’m literally writing whatever comes to mind about this. Also sorry if none of it makes any real sesnes; again, these are my thoughts as they come so those tend to be incoherent and,,,,,unconnected?? Idk um

So scroll along if you’re not interested but here I go :’D 

///

I feel like I might get bashed for this (or not) but I really feel like Megatron in TFP is a tortured, misunderstood, haunted soul and I’m on his side as much as I am on the Autobots’ side. 

Idk some people think he’s evil just because and has no redeeming factors but I really really beg to differ,,,, (no im not inviting debate because I get too scared of arguing with people I respect everyone’s opinions so I’m not trying to impose this one!) 

He isn’t justified in the things he’s done, the many he has made to die, nor is he justified in any way for the physical and/or mental abuse of others, the top example being Starscream. However, I think we should point fingers at the initial corruption back on Cybertron, right after the whole “golden age.” 

There’s really no one else to blame except the corrupt leaders who put the caste system into being. If it had not been so, Megatron would have never been born as D-16, an unknown and unimportant energon miner with no real future other than eventual, imminent death. He has a right to be as angry as he was, and as ready and willing to kill and overthrow that governmennt. 

He took it too far, is all I have to say. 

That’s also the difference that led to Orion and Megatronus falling out of friendship and “brotherhood,” as well as the whole ‘not being named a Prime but Orion was’ thing. Optimus felt the same way--though you have to acknowledge that even he could not understand fully and truly the anger Megatron had felt. Orion Pax had never known being worth absolutely nothing, and having no prospects or future. He was a scholar, gifted with knowledge and a job. He was not a higher-up, of course, so he was not exempt from feeling frustration at the limitations of his particular caste. But I think that’s also what gave Orion the ability to see the whole thing through a more level-headed gaze. 

And that’s where it also isn’t fair to Megatron. How can you blame him for only having rage? He didn’t have a middlle-ground place like Orion did. He only had the “short end of the stick” his whole life. 

So....um......I rambled and I’m not really sure where any of this was meant to go. I actually only inteded to write maybe one or two sentences but um now it’s all this. ^^’’’ 

Again, I’m not inviting debate because debating and arguing makes me really,,,,really nervous. I’m just having some thoughts..and I can totally understand the valid reasons people have to not feel that Megatron is a good character at all, and that he doesn’t have a real motive and is simply just “evil.” I respect that. I disagree, but I see your points ^//^ 

Just been thinking about this stuff lately, been watching episodes of TFP, reading the novels again....I really do feel bad for him, even though I am aware that what he did was wrong. I can’t help but feel like I should defend him, at least laying out the reasoning he had--though flawed in the end--and how he felt to give a little perspective. 

And one final thing, if you wish to make a claim that his anger about being a slave is not real, and that he uses it as some sort of twisted “card to play” as a justification, just wanna bring this up. You’ve see the movie right? Regardless of whether you think it was a good or bad movie (I really enjoyed it but thats just me ^^’’) there’s a part at the end where Megatron says the Decepticon cause is finished, and that because he now knows the “true meaning of oppression” he no longer wants to inflict it on others. There are probably other ways to interpret this, but the way I see it is that he really may have lost himself a little when fighting the war. But being possessed and commanded by Unicron woke that up again. He’d been in command for so long, he himself forgot how much a leader could hurt their own troops, or what it felt like to be stepped over--to be hurt and insulted because you cannot do anything about it. When he tries to fight back against Unicron, it’s not because of the petty reasons of simply “wanting the power” or hating not being in charge, but I think he was enraged at being seen as a slave again. Something he’d fought a war for millenia to ensure never happened again--to him or anyone else. 

And I think he also finally re-understood the last part of that statement. 

That’s why when he was freed, he ended the war right then and there, and left--never to be heard from again. 

I have no proof for these statements really, but I think it was purely guilt at having forgotten this war was not just about his own anger at injustice, but also to fight for the others who also felt as he did--his other, fellow Decepticons. 

This is not really to say he is sorry for how he treated some of them, since he is a problematic dude and has his own reasons he’ll stick to if confronted about what he did to, say,  Starscream or Starscream’s seekers when he tried to get Starscream to fear him. Or the many vehicons he didn’t care a single bit about. But I think the key is that he did change as a character--because he finally understood. 

He now has more perspective, and I think that’s why he isn’t really “just an evil character” who “has no real cause,” but someone who suffered so much and then had nowhere to go or anyone to really look to for help or guidance when his rage was handed a sword and hundreds of followers. Given his background, what else could he have done but lead them all forward in a fight? 

He really didn’t start the physical war himself, either. But he took it on as his responsibility and obligation to fight. 

Even Optimus--or Orion, at the time--his first and only friend that he pushed away, could never understand. No one but his fellow decpticons, especially the ones from the lower ranks, would ever understand the true essance of the cause of being “Decepticons.” 

Though he was bullshitting Optimus when he gave the reason for the name, I feel like at the same time, that was what he genuinely believed--that the cause of Decepticons and his fighting this war was branded as wrong and their beliefs were all lies. Megatron probably, deep in his spark, felt that if such things were branded as “lies” when they are really the truth, then he was proud to wear such a badge. 

And when he ended the cause, I think what he meant was that he was ending his involvement in it, for he himself had failed to uphold what Decepticons really stood for through all the murder and oppression he caused, blinded by his emotions. Therefore, the only sensible, just thing to do was to leave. To go somewhere else. Whether he hoped someone else would lead them or not, we will truly never know and I have no intention to make any guess to that. Only Megatron himself could tell us that. 

Both Megatron and the decepticons were not justifiied in the things they did, but if you can at least take in why they did those things, maybe you won’t dismiss them as simply “bad guys for the sake of being bad” and understand that they had a story too...

[clownkiwi]

my lengthy-ass post on game development and game release

yeaaaaa, ive been thinking about this for the past hour or so, and especially thinking about what my friends and other young people have talked about, i just decided to type out my feelings and thoughts about game development and game releases in terms of hyped up indie games (like silksong & deltarune chapter 2 + beyond)

but since this will be a huge post, im just gonna put it under a “read more” thing. if you wanna hear my thoughts on this, you can click the link below (this is basically comparable to a video essay ig)

but if you want a tldr, what my thoughts are is that dont give your hopes up on silksong, deltarune, & any other games releasing like very soon since you gotta take content implementation, bug testing/polishing, translations, porting, marketing, & announcements into consideration

with all that said, lets begin

so i remember talking to my friends a while ago about some of the most hyped up games release dates. you know, stuff like hollow knight: silksong or deltarune chapter 2+. especially after the updates given out by each developer/team recently, people are getting very excited to try out these games very soon this very year.

and by very soon, i mean like silksong (the full entire game) coming out THIS MONTH, and the entirety of deltarune (chapter 2 & however many chapters toby fox has planned) for THIS SUMMER IN ONE PACKAGE!!!

which, when i heard these, i thought they were all too good to be true! in fact, they’re all too good to be true. silksong DEFINITELY won’t come out this month, and i know for a Fact deltarune, the full package, won’t be out by this summer. and of course, that’s because of one thing that alot of us took for granted in terms of game development: the finalized touches.

before i go on, i just want to make this very clear: i am not a game design major. im not even in the industry. if anything, im an illustration major (currently), and all of what im gonna say is what i picked up from what other game devs have talked about and from other creative media industries (movie & tv show industry precisely). this is also really just speculation and opinionated, really the main point of this whole post is that you shouldn’t bet on silksong & deltarune coming out so soon from very easy theories and crazy misunderstandings on video game development, i am just giving out my own thoughts on when the game could possibly release (but tbf, i could be very wrong and we could get silksong out this month & the entirety of deltarune this summer. i don’t feel like we will, but it could be very possible and this whole post would be absolutely worthless)

now, i know tons of young people going into game development majors or want to be in the industry have tons of respect for the game development process. and thats good!!! im glad they have respect for the people actually making the content for the game and developing the full package. however, people usually take the finalized touches, imo, for granted more than the actual content development.

because how did people come to the conclusion about silksongs & deltarunes release date so soon???

from what i’ve heard from my friends and other people, silksong should come out this month to coincide with the anniversary of hollow knight, and because “team cherry is bad at marketing and releasing a game”

and with deltarune’s (the full package) release date, that was taking the whole game into consideration, and people’s speculation that deltarune would just be 4 chapters and that the whole thing will be released as one big package instead of episodic, despite the marketing of deltarune “chapter 1″

now, these sound a little bit reasonable. i mean, its been a while since we heard of them back in 2019 and 2018 respectively, and it makes perfect sense to release silksong on hollow knight’s anniversary and deltarune as a full game This Summer.

however, i still think that’s way too good to be true, and that’s because i took a few things into consideration: content implementation, bug fixing/polishing, translation, porting, and actually releasing the game (marketing/having the game up to a releasable state, and actually releasing the game). and to put this into my perspective, i thought about mario odyssey back in 2017

if you’re a nintendo fan like me and were hyped about the nintendo switch back in 2017, then you may remember mario odyssey and the hype around that game alone. when they revealed it back in 2017, they didn’t give a release date. a day after the reveal, mario odyssey devs came out straight and said they finished the game. the game was fully completed. however, they still didn’t give a release date, they just said that they’d spend this time polishing up the game.

and, i know it’s totally unfair to compare the polishing process between nintendo games & indie games since nintendo games are very well known for their polish, so they take more time to polish a game rather than. the next call of duty game.

however, this has given me a perspective as to how long developers spent on polishing the game. if we are to take nintendo at their word back then from when they announced they finished the game to release (which was late october 2017) then that means they spent 8-9 months alone on polish and bug fixing and maybe even translation. yes, you could have a finished game with all of the content in there, and you could feasibly release it as a switch launch title in march around the same time as breath of the wild; however, the developers didn’t feel mario odyssey was ready for release.

it wasn’t until e3 2017 when they felt proud to announce the release date for mario odyssey. this is important because that means that not only were the close to finishing the polishing & bug fixing state of the game, but that means they were done with translations and ready for marketing the game out to potential consumers. they spent who knows how long on polishing (probably anywhere between 6-9 months on polishing & bug testing alone) and they probably spent around the same amount of time on marketing the game.

now, like i said, its totally unfair to compare these two different design philosophies, as one is from a huge video game conglomerate that had years of game design vs small indie studios that only released their first game in the past decade, but let’s try to put this into perspective of silksong and deltarune

with silksong, team cherry had said they had gained new experience from hollow knight, both in terms of developing the actual games themselves and releasing them. this includes developing the game, implementing the content, and finalizing everything (from bug fixing and polishing, to marketing and releasing). and in terms of how they handled hollow knight’s original release, remember. that was their first game, they were very unsure as to how to market and release a game.

after hollow knight’s success, especially on switch, however, team cherry has gained experience as to how to finalize, market and release a game at a playable, releasable state. 

in my personal opinion, especially with what team cherrys marketing manager had said recently, the content is done. they’ve finished all the content for silksong (the base game) and are in the finalized state of implementing everything into the game. however, that doesn’t mean for sure the game will come out on february 24th, 2021 for steam, switch & ps4 & xbox one (maybe even ps5 & series x)

they still gotta add any finishing polish to the game, they still gotta find and fix any bugs in the game, and even when they’re confident on that regard, you still gotta take marketing into account and when’s the right time to release the game. and in that point of view, you can probably imagine it won’t be until another few months until we hear anything substantial about silksong

and especially seeing as how silksong is gonna be a switch exclusive at first, silksong could be as easily released as hollow knight’s switch port was released; as an announcement in a big event, and on that same day. which would mean we could get silksong out for the nintendo switch during e3 2021. however, i was only being easy, fair, and reasonably realistic with silksong. it could come out sooner than i thought, or even later than i thought.

now, with deltarune, i am definitely very unsure about how far that game is in development and when that game will release, especially since all we have to go off of is undertale, the demo (deltarune chapter 1), and what toby fox officially said for undertale’s 5th anniversary on famitsu & on his website.

first, let’s go off of the claims i’ve heard people say about how long this game will be. “deltarune will be 4 chapters long, because there are 4 seasons in a year like undertale and because delta is the greek number for 4.” while that sounds reasonable, why hasn’t toby fox given us a sure amount of chapters he has planned for the game?

especially considering that in his official update on his website he kept emphasizing “chapters” and “multiple chapters” and “chapters 3+”, and the fact he separated chapter 2 from chapter 3+. from his words alone, it sounds like chapter 2 will be released separately from the entire rest of the game??? but that could just be me, and people are most excited about chapter 2 more than anything, so really he could just be talking about the state of the whole game by including chapter 2 separately, especially considering the entirety of deltarune will be built off of chapter 2.

but besides my speculation on chapter 2, the fact he didn’t give a sure amount of chapter numbers, and he even specifically said on release readiness he put “0%”, that just doesn’t translate to “this game should be ready for release in the summer of 2021″, despite the fact that he said development on the game is going smoothly, even taking his physical state that hes in right now.

i personally think the game could be around 4-7 chapters long if he’s planning on implementing multiple chapters in the game, even though the first draft of the games story and dialogue has already been finished in september 2020. and even if we were to go off of deltarune being 4 chapters long, it still doesn’t feel right to say this game will be out this summer??

i personally think if the full game will be 4 chapters, i feel more confident in saying the full 4 chapter game will be out by this upcoming holiday season at the earliest, and if not then, the latest would be somewhere in the first half of 2022. and if it won’t be 4 chapters long like im guessing it would, then it could be released even later than expected. again, i’m basing this off of words taken straight from toby fox’s mouth in september 2020, things couldve obviously changed since then and i could be very wrong about when this game will come out.

but i know for a fact deltarune wont fully be released this summer, they still gotta develop the later chapters and put this game into a full package or release it episodically (even though people are confident that the game will be released in one package, i haven’t heard toby fox officially say anything about how the game will be released, just how the game has been developed so far), which of course is taking polishing/bug fixes into account, and marketing as well

i know for a fact polishing & bug fixes & even marketing wont take as long as nintendo games, but i do know they won’t be done very easily or quickly, and we still shouldn’t be too sure about when these games or any future game will come out

i guess that’s actually just the point of this whole post. unless its people with refuteable sources that have been spot on with predictions or it’s officially said from the mouths of these developers, then don’t bet on silksong or deltarune coming out so soon because of rumors or speculation

i could even be wrong about everythign that i’ve just said. im not a game major, like i said, so silksong could probably come out on february 24th, 2021, and maybe deltarune will come out this summer. i’m very sure it isn’t, but i could be wrong and know nothing about the game development process, and really toby fox’s team & team cherry are game development gods, and i’m surprised nintendo hasn’t bought them out by now so they could release splatoon 3, mario odyssey 2, mario galaxy 3, the diamond and pearl remakes, and metroid prime 4 right now /s

but yea, like i said, don’t count on silksong & deltarune coming out so soon, and maybe take the final stages of development and marketing and releasing more realistically rather than overlooking them and making unsubstantiated claims based off of speculation

[idio-cies]

Right, I need to go on a rant because lockdown is still getting to me and I am fed up with the same comments I hear every time I allude to my sexuality (mostly ace) towards my family.

So story time: today my Nana was showing my mum about princess Gertrude or something being married in an old Ball gown of the Queen's and how it was altered a bit and as an a fly away comment of me being pedantic I said "having a wedding dress is over-rated anyway" to which my mum gave a mock shocked face saying that of course I would say something like that (My family joke about me being cold-hearted as I don't cry at sad films or books, and can just lack empathy to certain things). So I laughed to continue the joke but what I intended was that you know why a dress? Women can be married in suits or two-pieces if they wish? Like what's the fuss. Oh hell, the men could wear flounces! Also upcycling yay for the environment! So I continued, starting to say the colour, my mum saying about how my older sister will be in Ivory and I said "Come on, that's off white! But I mean Chinese get married in red" and she continued "in India they get married in all sorts of colours" and I said "exactly! Why white?" And she said before I could continue "I suppose you would get married in black" so I scrunched up my face and said "if I ever get married" and then came the usual "you might not say that as you get older" you know. That golden nugget of a line that is told to many people who are aro/ace or whatever the identify as. Some people just do not wish to be married. I also said "whats the point in having a dress you only wear once, anyway" which, as I expected was returned with "you could pass it on to your children". My mum continued saying how her best friend used to think like me and now is married and has had two children, then she left to go do something. My Nana then joined in saying how I don't want to not give my mum grandkids, to which I shrugged, she continued saying how what if my husband didn't wanted kids what would I do then? This is when I started to get mad but with this situation I always try and brush everything over considering I know from experience how things will go (will get brushed with the aforementioned comments, stereotypes etc). So I shrugged and said "well then it wasn't meant to be" in my head I was thinking what if I don't want a husband, what if I have a wife, or a partner who identifies as non-binary or genderfluid? What if I just never marry, or just live the rest of my life with my friends? What if, if I do change my mind about kids, I adopt. But I couldn't say that. My nana continued by saying "well, I guess you wouldn't marry if that was the case" and I'm just sat there stewing.

See, my problem here is that my parents certainly are more liberal, and the reason why I make jokes that allude to me being ace is because they have also made jokes about saying how they probably will never have grand kids, or that I don't go for that sort of thing and I had hope. My sister is a lesbian and they knew for ages and still love her and want the best for her, but my mum never understood why my sister was so hesitant to come out and I explained to her how people coming out always have that fear, that even if their parents or their friends are liberal, they still may not be fully accepted for who they are. Plus, my sister has had bad experiences with friends being homophobic or use her in the face of her coming out, but my mum took this explanation as me hiding something about myself.

When I had my first boyfriend a year ago my mum thought the perfect time to bring up sex would be as she placed food in front of me. I legit choked on my food and as she continued I had to tell her right there and then that I believed myself to be ace and she had nothing to worry about and she didn't understand, so I had to explain. This was the first proper time I heard her deflect that "I might change my mind". When I stayed overnight at his, my dad was teasing me asking whether I needed rubbers and kept on asking me. The thing is, it was always jokey but I'm pretty sure he was concerned. Then my sister thought more happened between him and I when he broke up with me, indicating that we probably had sex, because of how upset I was over it all. I'm pretty sure a couple of my friends thought that too. However, one of my friends said what I was thinking which was that part of the reason why he broke up with me was because I wouldn't have sex with him which was the case considering when I told him that my dad joked about getting rubbers he asked me if I did all excited and I said no with a confused expression like "we've been over this, I thought you understood" and he looked away disheartened with an "oh" thats when I think I knew this wasn't right. To be fair I should've known about "oh, so you're a celibate" and loads of other things like believing I liked something when I didn't or I wasn't sure so ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯ I was young and it was my first boyfriend so you know, I was naive. The reason why I was so broken-hearted was because I'm pretty sure it was because I was ace, and because of that I felt like I would never be loved, or respected. What's more is he tried to take advantage of my friend when they were together whilst she was drunk! So he is just a huge dickhead anyway.

Anyways, I guess for my grandparents to understand is trickier and as far as I'm aware they don't know that I said to my mum who probs told my dad that I'm ace. I always get told that they won't change. My grandad I think still believes my sister isn't fully gay by the fact that he refuses to say "girlfriend" and also slander her girlfriend a bit, and he never believed she showed signs, though why should that matter if she "showed signs"? And my Nana said she did and is a little more accepting of my sister's girlfriend (btw, this is not my older sister who is getting married). I hate being told that people who are older (especially my grandparents) won't change their minds or see things differently. I don't understand how people can go through life like that? But I guess that's because I'm a more open-minded person who makes sure I have several perspectives on certain things.

The thing now though is that I'm scared that I'm under the category of ace where the stereotype is that I'm a robot because I lack empathy and am cold-hearted and such. I know that for my Nana and also for my Nanny that they ended up abandoning their careers for the sake of raising a family and for me, that just feels like an epic loss. I also think that my grandparents first impression of my mum was not approving as she had a baby when she was 20 out of wedlock and had an abusive partner.

After this spiel, if you are still with me, I just want to let you know that this is life is complicated. Heck, I even queried about my best friend being ace, but I think that is because I never thought someone so close to me could have the same feelings about that topic and also because I am constantly questioning myself, probably because I have had "oh, you may change your mind when you're older" most of my life. Oh, I know I could, but for what feels my entire life (when I gained consciousness of myself and was making choices for myself without having this stereotyped life conditioned in my brain) was that I never personally want to have kids. Ever. I understand I may change my mind and if I do I will adopt because I would like to think that I could make a child's life better, and also we have a dense enough population as it is. I do not care if I have a partner with me in my life. I can quite easily get by independently in life. I'm not adverse to having a partner, whoever/whenever/and whatever status it may be.

What I find hilarious though is that I'm very nonchalant about my sexuality, but I do not wish to tell my gay sister that I am queer on some scale. She has had too many run-ins of me slipping to say that I'm not straight or my friend legit said a joke about how my hair is as straight as me (it's curly) because I have made that joke around her before about myself. TERRIFIED. She has jokingly confronted me about it as well and I remained nonchalant as I always do.

So I guess what I'm trying to say that even though people can be liberal in mind, it is always tricky to tell your family and (after stereotypes and assumptions have been placed on me) friends. I have even had a friend who told me that basically I wasn't ace sinply because I didn't know how to answer him in something related to do with sex. I AM ALMOST 19, I DO NOT HAVE MY LIFE FIGURED OUT. I AM STILL QUESTIONING MY OWN EXISTENCE LET ALONE MY SEXUALITY/ORIENTATION.

I would love to go through my life with no labels whatsoever. Whether I'm female, that I'm ace, or that I'm most likely pan. I've always been weird with labels. I simply do not care about that, but I also care about it too much. I do not want societal pressure to tell me that I need a partner in my life, that I need to have children in order to be happy and be worth something. That is not what makes a life. I want people to understand this, especially my family, but I'm afraid they won't even if they are aware that they know it's not for all people. The life I want is to be with the people I love and I can trust and engage with. That I am successful and can stand up for who and what I believe in. So this is my message to people out there. Take all the time in the world to discover who you are. Whether you prefer labels for it or not. To not let societal pressure get to you too much. I know it's hard and the nature of the world and its people are complex, but please be true to yourself and I'm sure you will find your people and your way in life.

[evans-heaven]

Notes on Defending Jacob ep.4 (for fun lol, also not spoiler free)

This post is gonna be shorter (maybe lol) than the first one cause it's just one episode this time around! Definitely not crying about that 😅

Just a reminder, I'm not a pro and this isn't really a review, but I am shoved rather far up Chris Evans' bum, soooooo that should tell you everything you need to know before you read these notes (or any I make in the future) 🤣😋

Another reminder that I'm not asking anyone to take me seriously. I make these notes because I enjoy doing them.

K I'm done let's get into it!!

I knew the swimming scene was coming in this episode but damn, right off the bat huh? I'm okay with the heart attack tho so no sweat 🤣

Laurie sitting in her car in the parking lot outside the store, immediately I knew why, and I think a lot of us did too. It was so sad to see. Really places us inside the depth of the situation, even if its such a small action, it speaks volumes. Poor thing must have been tired physically and mentally. My heart got torn in two every time I saw her on screen throughout the episode. I just wanna give her a damn hug 😩😭

The juxtaposition of Andy and Laurie's faces during the meeting with Joanna, while subtle, says a helluva lot about how they feel. It was such amazing facial acting. Its clear from their expressions alone, who knows the story is bs and probably will admit it, and who also knows the story is bs, but definitely won't admit it.

The way Jacob and Joanna bounced off of each other as he continued his (bs) story, was intense, and the score added to it. Jacob's rising nerves led to mine doing the same, and I even found myself trying to figure out how he could have told the story better. Joanna's expression, the 'this lie ain't shit' one, was also quite influential. Like, you wanna help this 14 year old kid, but he can't even help himself and shit just keeps piling up.

Andy babe I know thats your kid, you wanna protect and coddle him but the police was the appropriate choice of contact. And clearly theres some deeper shit going down. He didn't call you or anyone else because it's not as it seems.

"Our memories are often less reliable than we think, particularly in moments of stress" PLEASE tell me I'm not the only one who immediately thought of Laurie's memory of Jacob at the bowling alley. Like obviously it was a 3 second scene, and it seemed pretty telling, but what if that's only part of it? Or what if shes not remembering it the way it went down? Like, her kid was accused of murder, and what she thinks would make it make sense might be plaguing her and being twisted by her, because of stress and fear.

My immediate reaction to Laurie's rant at Jacob was to yell "I'M SORRY" 😭 legit felt like sis was reading ME the riot act. Stress is just piling up on her and she will not have her kid acting like everything has no reason to be the way it is. Waiting in parking lots for groceries to open is not normal, having all your friends alienate you is not normal, being the talk of the town for negative reasons is not normal. So sit tf down, eat your unseasoned food and stop complaining.

In that one moment, for Andy, everything was okay as he and Jacob sat watching the movie. Until, he realized everything wasn't okay. He just had to remember that his kid, who sat there, care free, laughing at the film, was gonna be on trial for murder. It's as easy to forget as it is to remember. Seeing Andy's face change so subtly, from a smile to worried gaze, broke my heart.

Andy saying 'of course not' when Laurie asked if there was a part of him that thinks he might have done it. Who was he trying to convince?

👏🏽LET👏🏽ME👏🏽TELL👏🏽Y'ALL👏🏽SOME👏🏽THING👏🏽

That acting in the scene where Andy met Matthew? That perfect mix of chill and resolve (for lack of better word) in the way Andy spoke? The 'don't fuck with me' energy that radiated off of him? Where is the Emmy?? WHERE IS IT???

Andy's just getting increasingly desperate and its lowkey unsettling. Idc if hes a snacc, dude is being a little ridiculous and needs to do himself a favor and see things from his wife's perspective. I know it may be hard but I don't even wanna imagine where his denial is gonna take him. Also the protectiveness leading him to burst into his kid's room in a very embarrassing way was...cringe 😅

As much as I wanted Laurie to have felt normal for once since everything went down, even for a fucking hour or two, I lowkey was waiting for some shit to happen in the diner. It just seemed too good to be true. The heartbreak/shock on Laurie's face when she found out was too real.

I'm interested to see Andy's meeting with his dad. I know its gonna be difficult/uncomfortable and the amazing acting I know we're gonna see will convey that really well. Also lowkey some shade from Laurie in that scene, I love 🤣

A few more short notes:

Andy ffs your kid's story sucks for a reason 🤦🏾‍♀️

Needa know the conversation Derek and his mom had with Pam 👀

That food looked hella unseasoned, put some butter on the bread at least lmao

Andy/Chris' laugh 😭🥰

Fuck Neal

Like seriously fuck him

The little guy playing young Andy omg 😭🥺

Fucking white kids oh my gawd y'all think I could ever tell my mother to shut up 😂🙄

That DO YOU HEAR ME with the lack of the "r" in hear...🥴

Some of those images Jacob saw in the therapist's office 😣 I know that was the point but sheesh lol

Who gets a salad with fries lmao is that normal

Did Jacob fold his pizza? Is that also normal?

Reporter lady didn’t deserve those fries smh 🙄

There was a lot of food in this episode 🤣

Jay Kobbs? Really? 🤦🏾‍♀️🤣

Whatever it takes 😭 okay Steve Rogers 😭

Amazing acting from Michelle Dockery in this episode, especially the diner scene.

Amazing acting from Jaeden in the meeting with Joanna.

Amazing acting from Chris Evans no matter the scene (are we surprised? No lol), but especially when he met Matthew.

Thats all for now, see y’all for the next episode <3