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jikookiekosmos · 3 years

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Classified & Confidential || kth (Part 1)

➥Pairing: detective!taehyung/reader

➥Summary: It’s been years since your close friend passed away, case going cold due to lack of evidence. You never once believed the story the police gave you, since they classified it under an ‘unfortunate accident.’ Now that there are telltale signs of something similar at play regarding someone else you hold dear, you decide to take things into your own hands. You hire world renowned private detective, Kim Taehyung. And he goes above and beyond everything you expected.

➥Genre: strangers to lovers (kinda slow burn), detective au, mystery, angst, eventual smut, fluff

➥Rating: 18+

➥Words: ~7.1k

➥Content Warnings: detective/mystery au, (tw: mentions of death, brief mention of suicide in relation to a criminal case, implied foul play, stalking behavior, non-graphic detailing of a crime scene), slight forensic talk, mentions of nervousness and anxiety, some cursing, mentions of cops/police, unhelpful law enforcement (like they’re kinda terrible with the whole solving this case thing), feelings of unease and tension, we get bestie hoseok, tae is kinda extra but for good reason, no suggestiveness/smut in this chapter but it’s still 18+ due to it involving some of the aforementioned warnings

A/N: This will be a multi-part series that explores some darker themes, and each part will have appropriate content warnings listed; please read at your own risk. This part touches on backstory and introduces the characters, things will start getting a little more intense in the following chapters. I don’t have any kind of specific update schedule but ideally I’d like to get updates out every few weeks at the latest! I hope you look forward to this, and if you wanna be added to a taglist, please let me know~

Thank you @dntaewithluv for your constant motivation and support (and for always beta-reading for me, even when we scream at each other about our ideas); hopefully I do Tae justice for you! I love you lots ❤️

taglist: @inlovewiththemoonn @mwitsmejk @bangtanhome

⊱──────── ✬ ✬ ✬ ────────⊰

5 Years Ago

The night sky was dark, blanketed by stars as it emitted a peaceful aura. There was no way to bask in the calmness of the night, however, with all the hustle and bustle that surrounded you outside of the apartment complex.

Crime scene tape marked off the area, and many onlookers had gathered to try and get a glimpse of what happened. You were one yourself, but you weren’t there out of sheer curiosity.

Your breathing was ragged, staggered, as you tried to hold yourself together and observed the scene in front of you unfold.

Police wouldn’t let you beyond the tape, despite knowing the person currently covered by the white tarp.

Minutes prior, one of the cops had been politely trying to hold you back as you thrashed around, mind muddled by the vision of your best friend’s face before the tarp concealed it.

“I’m sorry, we can’t let anyone unauthorized come past this tape, please stay where you are.”

“You don’t understand, that’s my best friend, please let me through, please-”

You couldn’t control the volume of your screams, prompting a few of the other bystanders to try and calm you down seeing as you were very clearly distraught.

An unknown amount of time passed before the thickest part of the crowd decided they’d had enough excitement for one night, retiring to their own homes. You stayed planted in your spot, prepared to not move until you got more of an explanation for what was going on.

You’d resigned yourself to the fact that if someone wanted you to leave, they’d have to do it by force, but you eventually complied after two cops convinced you to come down to the station and issue a statement, given your relation to the victim.

They didn’t grill you hard, which was something you appreciated at the time, since you were really in no state to handle a grueling interrogation. You knew you could be marked down as a potential suspect, but everything from their investigation pointed to them believing it had either been an accident or a possible suicide attempt, the latter of which would almost entirely exclude your involvement.

Over the next few weeks, you cooperated with the investigation and helped them with whatever leads you could provide; you were determined that foul play was involved, because you knew your best friend better than anyone, and the story the cops were feeding you wasn’t adding up.

The theory as you knew it was this: she jumped from her apartment window, which was up a significant amount of stories, more than enough to kill a person. A potential suicide note was found at the scene on the nightstand by her bed, typed on a sheet of paper, so handwriting analysis wasn’t an option. The apartment was undisturbed aside from the window having been open.

It almost seemed like a cut-and-dried case, aside from one other small factor: unknown DNA from a hair follicle was found in the apartment alongside the victim’s own.

This didn’t surprise you…at first. You knew Ky had been perusing multiple dating apps and would often invite people over to her place after successful dates. But as far as you also knew, Ky hadn’t recently been on any dates, so there wasn’t a clear reason for that DNA to show up.

Ky had told you in the weeks leading up to her death that she was afraid someone had been following her around, and it unsettled her so much so that she deleted all the dating apps on her phone until she felt safe again.

Sadly, that day never came, and this fact alone caused the nagging suspicion of foul play to burrow itself even deeper into your subconscious.

Since the DNA was unknown, tracing it would be no easy task, but that didn’t stop you. Anything you could do to shed light on what had actually occurred, you were going to do it, plain and simple.

Which is why when the police decided to close the file on the case and label it as an ‘unfortunate accident,’ you were floored.

You begged them to keep focusing on leads when there really weren’t any, offering to aid in any way you could because there was no way that there wasn’t something missing.

Their response?

“Go home, Y/N, there’s nothing else you can do.”

You left the station that day only after you had caused somewhat of a scene, arguing back and forth with one of the lead detectives until you were ‘carefully escorted’ outside. Enraged, you banged your hand against the glass of the door before you slid down the wall beside it, hugging your knees as you tried to compose yourself.

You weren’t sitting that way for long before you felt a gentle tug on your sleeve. You looked up reluctantly and were met with one of the softest pairs of eyes you’d ever seen.

The stranger offered you a kind smile, one that made your heart ache in the aftermath of everything you’d endured the last several weeks. You’d been tackling this situation all on your own, with barely any help from mutual friends or Ky’s family since she’d been estranged from them.

But now, this man stooped down in front of you and smiling at you like everything would be alright…

It almost made you want to believe it.

“Hi, I uh, couldn’t help but overhear about your situation,” he finally spoke up, sounding somewhat bashful. He had bright red hair that peeked out under a cap he wore, and he was sporting a rainbow colored sweater.

A tinge of embarrassment fluttered through you. “Oh. Sorry you had to witness that.”

So this random stranger heard you telling off the police by yelling at them in broad daylight. Way to make a first impression.

To your surprise, he simply shook his head, smile widening. “No, don’t be sorry! I was, uh – happy to be able to listen.”

You quirked an eyebrow. “Ok…may I ask why?”

“Well,” there was that bashful tone again, hand flying to the back of his neck as he looked to the side, “I’d been coming up here for a while, hoping to hear something regarding this case specifically. Usually when I stop by, there isn’t much going on and it’s not like I can just walk in and ask for classified information-”

He stopped speaking immediately once you held up your hand. You didn’t want to be rude, but you were thoroughly confused.

“Is there a reason why you’re eavesdropping for information about this case?”

He nodded eagerly. “Sure is! See, I’m working as a crime reporter, and-”

You scoffed as you pushed yourself to a standing position. “Unbelievable.”

Without sparing another glance to the gentleman, you shouldered past him, earlier hopeful mood soured by the fact that he was just another person looking for a scoop about Ky’s demise.

He was quick to follow, almost jumping down the steps to catch up to you.

“Hey, wait! Please.”

The way he begged pulled at your heartstrings because of how genuine he sounded, and for reasons beyond you, you turned around to face him and decided to hear him out.

You crossed your arms as he sighed with relief.

“Thank you. Ok, to start with, I’m a crime reporter, but I’m not trying to report on this case as everyone knows it.”

Another eyebrow raise from you. “What do you mean?”

The man smiled shyly, brushing away the red hair in his eyes. “I want to bring the injustice of the system to the public’s attention.”

That got your attention. “You do?”

“Yes. And I think your story could help with that.”

“My story?”

He nodded again, this time more eager than the last. “You’re pretty adamant that what happened to your friend was no accident, am I correct?”

Any mention of Ky caused the dull pain in your chest to come back, but at least this time, she wasn’t being mentioned in a gruesome or negative light.

“Yeah, I really don’t think it was an accident. But no one believes me.” You looked down at your shoes, scuffling one against the pavement.

You only looked up again when you felt the stranger’s hand on your shoulder.

“I believe you.”

All of the breath was knocked out of you.

“You…you believe me?”

The smile he gave you this time was bright and sincere as he dropped his hand by his side. “I do. I’ve been following everything posted online or in the newspaper about this case, and some of it just really does not seem plausible. And then after hearing you today, it made so much sense as to why.”

It still bothered you a bit that you were loud enough in the station to be heard outside, but that worry was now being overshadowed by the possibility of having someone else who could stand by you on your conviction.

“It…really means a lot to me that you would even consider my side of things. Truthfully, I think the police only tolerated me this long due to protocol.” You wrapped your arms around yourself.

The red-haired man grimaced at your remark. “Yeah, no kidding. For as long as I’ve been in this line of work, I don’t think I’ve ever seen them take things as seriously as they should.”

“How long have you been doing this?”

“About a year. But trust me, I’ve seen a lot during that time.” His determined expression might have made you giggle under other circumstances because it clashed so much with the rest of his soft demeanor.

“I don’t doubt it.” You walked over to the nearby bench seated a few feet away and the stranger followed hesitantly, only sitting beside you when you didn’t give him any indication his presence was unwanted.

The both of you turned toward each other slightly before you spoke up again.

“So, how can I help you with what you’re wanting to do?”

He seemed pleased that you were on board, eyes shining. “For starters, do you think I could interview you? I’d have to ask some sensitive questions, but I feel like I could have a better understanding of the case that way…only if you’re comfortable, though.”

You swallowed as you thought it over. Your participation in the numerous interrogations during the investigation had now proved to lead nowhere, but maybe this time the outcome would be different.

“Sure, I don’t mind. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know, to the best of my ability.”

The stranger beamed, looking happy enough to nearly jump out of the bench, despite the current subject matter. “Great!”

His cheerful nature was a little infectious, you had to admit, because you already started to feel a little lighter in his presence. A hand appeared in your line of vision.

“My name is Hoseok, by the way. We haven’t been properly introduced yet so that would be the next best step, I think.”

You did giggle this time at his action. “Nice to meet you, Hoseok. I’m Y/N.” You took his hand into your own to give it a small but firm shake.

“It’s my pleasure, Y/N. Now,” he regarded you with that same soft look he had in his eyes when you first saw him at the station, “what do you say we discuss some logistics over lunch? My treat, of course, since you’re agreeing to help me.”

For the first time in ages, the smile that graced your face was wholeheartedly genuine. “Sounds good.”

Thus, the beginning of a beautiful, long-lasting friendship bloomed that day outside of the one place you’d begun to loathe more than anything else. Over the next few years, Hoseok stood by your side in more ways than you could count, and he was now someone you considered to be one of the best friends you’d ever had.

One of the only best friends you’d ever had.

What you never expected was to be seated with Hoseok at the same diner that started your initial conversation about Ky’s case 5 years later, discussing something much too similar for your liking.

⊱──────── ✬ ✬ ✬ ────────⊰

Present Day

You sipped from your coffee mug, enjoying the warm beverage as you waited at the diner. The weather had been less than ideal, with rain pouring all day long and displaying little signs of stopping.

But Hoseok had been adamant about the two of you meeting up after your voicemail you left the previous night.

As you were thinking about your close friend, you heard the bell above the diner door ring, signaling his arrival. He spotted you across the room and quickly rushed over to your table, leaving rain droplets in his wake.

Hoseok shrugged out of his soaked jacket and tossed in into the booth seat beside him as he shook his head to – hopefully – rid himself of the water trying to slide down his face.

“Hey,” he finally breathed out once he was settled. His usual wild red hair was darker now thanks to the rain, stern expression plastered onto his face.

“Hey.” You responded meekly, attempting to give him a weak smile. Your stomach was churning with unease at the conversation you were about to have.

Hoseok took a deep breath before he folded his hands together and rested his elbows on the table. The coffee you’d ordered for him had been pushed to the side, momentarily forgotten.

He lowered his voice. “Are you sure the pattern of behavior is the same?”

You nodded slowly, going over all the details again in your mind. “I’m positive. The only difference is Yuri waited longer to tell me that she thinks she’s being followed than Ky did.”

Ky. Not a day went by where you didn’t think about her, seeing her smiling face when you would close your eyes at night and try to drift off to sleep.

Slumber came much easier these days than it did those first few months, but every now and then the same nightmare would plague you about the night you saw her on the sidewalk.

You shook your head to shrug the thoughts away. Now wasn’t the time.

“Shit,” Hoseok finally responded. “That doesn’t seem like good news for us.”

“My thoughts exactly. Who knows how long this has been going on. And she’s been receiving the same kind of ‘gifts’ Ky would get, too. Random text messages, voicemails from unknown numbers…she tries to brush it off, but I know this scares Yuri.”

“She doesn’t recognize who’s speaking in the voicemails?”

You shook your head solemnly. “No, they’re using some sort of voice modifier.”

Hoseok cursed again, this time under his breath. “Well, what do you want to do?”

You gulped. Truthfully, you didn’t know the answer yourself. On the one hand, everything currently happening to your friend mimicked what happened to Ky, almost exactly. But on the other hand, Yuri made it known time and time again that she thought you were too paranoid for your own good sometimes.

So, you were at a loss.

Yuri and you were close, in a sense. You’d been friends for the last 4 years, working at the same company after graduating from college and even getting transferred to a new one in the same division so as to not be separated. Outside of Hoseok, you considered her your dearest friend.

But at the same time, you knew that Yuri had those she held very dear in her own life that were there before you, and you’d never try to overstep.

Still…the events surrounding Yuri were too specific to be coincidental in your opinion, and if the hunch you had right now was correct, you needed to do something.

You wouldn’t – you couldn’t – let another person die. Not if there was some way for you to prevent it.

Something you didn’t do with Ky, and that would haunt you for the rest of your life-

Hoseok pulled you out of your thoughts by calling your name, frowning deeply once your gaze focused on him again.

“I…I don’t know. I feel like if I push too hard on this, I’ll also push Yuri away, and I don’t want that.” You worried at your bottom lip, your most infamous nervous habit.

“Be that as it may, this doesn’t seem like something you should ignore either. What’s worse: pushing her away but potentially saving her life, or not saying anything and she ends up in danger?”

A heavy sigh wracked through your body.

Your silence was enough for Hoseok to continue with his own line of thinking. “Well, we could consider going to the police-”

“Absolutely not,” you answered fiercely, with more emotion than you’d displayed the entire conversation, “not after how they handled everything with Ky and how they treated you.”

You and Hoseok had made a name for yourself throughout the town as ‘Public Enemies 1 and 2’ with the local police department. You, due to your persistent insistence that they were wrong in their deduction about Ky, and Hoseok because of the article he published that shamed their name.

The article was the first – and last – one that he published under the company that had hired him to be a reporter, seeing as the police department had enough sway to get him fired afterwards. He wasn’t able to find another reporting job anywhere within the town or those surrounding it.

There also weren’t any remaining records of the article anywhere online or in paper publication, but as a ‘fuck you’ to the department, Hoseok had a copy of it printed and hanging up on his wall for anyone and everyone to see. You had always admired how he handled the situation with grace even though it made your blood boil every time you thought about it.

Even so, some good had come from the whole ordeal. After failing to find another reporter job, Hoseok had made a somewhat notable career as a crime novel author, popular among locals because of how he came to be a novelist, and eventually rising to fame due to his own amazing writing skills.

He enjoyed his career and had a happy life, but that didn’t mean you had to forgive and forget the shitty events that happened to get him to that point.

Hoseok nodded in understanding. “Ok, so no police. Does that mean we try to tackle this whole thing by ourselves?”

“Neither of us have any legit experience with this kind of stuff, so that’s out of the question, too.”

Hoseok tapped his chin as he pondered another idea. The way his eyes lit up as it came to him made your lips curve upward.

“What if we go to someone who isn’t involved with the police but does have experience with that?”

“…not sure I’m following you.”

Hoseok huffed in an endearing way. “Have you ever heard of a private detective?”

The word ‘detective’ made you wince, considering your last encounter with one evolved into a screaming match…but it was also how you met Hoseok, so there’s a silver lining for everything.

“I’m not familiar with a private detective, but I’m open to listening to your idea.”

He grinned. “Perfect. Ok, so in my research for my latest novel, I actually ended up looking into some real-life private detectives.”

“And what did you find?” Your own curiosity was definitely piqued now, as it always was when Hoseok would talk about something so passionately.

“There’s one who’s basically world renowned, like he’s really fucking good. And his office isn’t too far from here, it’s basically in the next town over.”

You took another sip from your coffee, swirling the now lukewarm liquid around in your mouth as you contemplated.

“What else do you know about him?”

Hoseok’s shoulders slumped slightly at that. “Not much. The only information I have on him is his name and how you can contact him. From what I’ve read, he seems to be pretty selective with clients.”

“No idea what he looks like?”

Hoseok shook his head. “None. There weren’t pictures or anything like that, I’m not even sure how old he is.”

You hummed as you pictured this mystery man in your head, automatically defaulting to envisioning an older man, maybe in his 50s with already graying hair. A wise old soul who had seen so much in his long years of investigation work.

“Not like all that really matters, I guess. Do you think I should reach out to him?”

Hoseok nodded around his coffee cup before he tilted his head back to take a large sip. “That’s our best shot right now. And if it doesn’t work out, at least you tried.”

Such a simple statement but it made your stomach twist at the memory of Ky and how you weren’t able to save her because you didn’t know how. “Right.”

Hoseok pulled his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through what looked like Google search results. When he found what he was looking for, he texted you the information.

“Kim Taehyung?” You said the name aloud, making sure you got the correct info.

“Yup, that’s him. If you do decide to contact him, let me know how it goes, ok? I’m already worried as is about you delving into something like this again.”

You patted his hand. “I know, Hobi. Don’t worry. I’ll be careful, and I’ll keep you updated as much as possible.”

He smiled brighter than the sunshine. “That’s all I can ask for, bub.”

⊱──────── ✬ ✬ ✬ ────────⊰

You paced around your apartment, staring at the text that Hoseok had sent you earlier. The rest of your time with him at the diner had been calm and helped to quell your nerves, but now that you were alone again, you were riddled with anxiety.

You had typed in this Kim Taehyung’s number into your phone, ready to call him and just get it over with. The worst he could do is decline your ask for help, but you wouldn’t know unless you tried.

After a few more minutes of useless pacing, you finally hit ‘send’ and raised the receiver to your ear.

You were met with an answering machine almost immediately, wondering if maybe you typed it in wrong until you heard ‘you have reached the number for Kim Taehyung.’ The name had been uttered by a human voice, one that was deep and took you off guard.

You had barely enough time to ponder over the voice before you heard the tell-tale ‘beep’ signaling for you to start your message.

“Oh! Um, hello, Mr. Kim. This is Y/N- well my name is Y/N. I was referred to you by a friend of mine who said you may can help me with a situation I’m having. There’s…some suspicious behavior involving someone dear to me and I’m afraid they could be in danger, but I’m not sure who to turn to. I-If you’d like to give me a call back, you can reach me at this number…”

You finished your voicemail with your contact information before thanking him and wishing him a goodnight. Once you pulled away your phone, you checked the time.

10:36 PM. No wonder you got his answering machine.

The anxiety that had settled down while you were leaving your message started to come back, so to combat that you made the decision to go ahead and get ready for bed. There wasn’t anything else you could do right now, anyway.

You texted Yuri just to wish her a goodnight, and when you received a response almost immediately, you breathed out a sigh of relief. At least she was alright and that was one less thing to worry about for now.

You didn’t dream that night – which was a blessing in its own right – as you thought about the deep timbre of the voice from the answering machine. You’d only heard it briefly, but it left enough of an impact, that was for sure.

⊱──────── ✬ ✬ ✬ ────────⊰

You awoke around 8 AM, your typical time no matter what day it was. It was the weekend, so you could get more sleep if you wanted, but a quick check of your phone had you sitting upright at a record speed.

[Unknown] 6:28 AM: I got your voicemail. If you want to discuss your case, meet me at this address.

Your heart thumped faster as you re-read the words over again. The following message had an address attached, and when you opened it, you noticed how it was for the neighboring town.

With all of the context clues, and taking into account everything Hoseok told you yesterday, you figured that it was Mr. Kim who had texted you. Obviously it would be from an unknown number, and he wouldn’t give out any explicit personal details to lead back to him; that’s just how he did things, as Hobi had mentioned.

And if he contacted you back, that meant he was interested in helping you!

Well…he was interested in hearing you out, at least. Still, you wouldn’t pass up on this opportunity. You quickly crafted a response before you started to make yourself presentable.

[y/n] 8:03 AM: Thank you! When should I meet you?

You had just finished brushing your teeth when you heard your phone chime again.

[Unknown] 8:06 AM: Whenever is best for you. I’ll be here all day and don’t have any other clients lined up.

You clutched your phone to your chest. This was really happening.

Once you were done getting ready to head out, it was just past 9 AM. You called Hobi to let him know what you were doing, and his excitement was tangible even through the phone. He urged you to keep him posted about all the details, which you assured him that of course you would.

The drive to the address you’d been given didn’t take too long, maybe around 20 minutes or so. What surprised you when you arrived, though, was the outward appearance of the building.

It looked abandoned, for lack of a better term, and you checked the text message 3 more times to make sure this is where you were supposed to be.

[y/n] 9:28 AM: I’m here…but I’m not sure if this is the correct place?

There was an eerie feeling settling in your stomach as you waited for a response. Maybe this had been some sort of trick? Had someone set you up?

The sound of a deadbolt clicking grabbed your attention, and the door a few feet in front of you opened up to display an older woman. At first, she seemed a bit disgruntled at having an unexpected guest, but before you could apologize for intruding, her gruff expression was replaced with a warm smile.

“I take it you’re Y/N?”

You gulped and nodded, placing your phone back into your jacket pocket.

“Follow me.”

She turned on her heel to walk back into the building, not bothering to wait and see if you would obey. You quickly scurried after her, only stopping once you were a foot or so behind.

You walked through about 3 or 4 different hallways, trying to remember the directions you’d taken but failing miserably. There wasn’t much to this building…you saw what appeared to be a few offices here and there but otherwise, not much else.

“Here we are,” the woman croaked, gesturing with her arm to a much nicer looking door that had gold lettering on the window.

The etchings were bold, and it was very evident where you were as you read the words:

KIM TAEHYUNG

Private Detective

The older woman rapped on the door 3 times with her knuckles before she walked off. You were standing there, dumbfounded, until you heard a voice softly telling you to come inside.

The doorknob clicked easily under your hand, and as you entered the room, you were in awe of how different everything looked.

The office was tidy and, dare you say, extravagant compared to what surrounded it outside of this room. There were two brown leather couches that had a decent sized coffee table seated in between them; further into the office, you saw the same type of leather chairs, one in front of and one behind a large wooden desk. You also spotted a few plants that looked to be well taken care of, one sitting in a windowsill and the other on a small table next to some black filing cabinets.

Whoever had designed this room clearly had a knack for matching furniture together, because it all meshed well and you appreciated the sleek look to everything.

Your eyes ended their scan as you looked over to the far wall, almost letting out a gasp when you noticed the figure across the room whose back was turned to you.

When you softly shut the door, the other person in the room turned around. It took you a second to start thinking properly again, because he was not at all how you pictured he would be.

For starters, he looked much younger than you thought originally, closer to your own age, which you thought was admirable considering his high status as a detective. He had brown hair parted down the middle that was slightly wavy, with bangs covering his forehead. He had very handsome facial features as well, some of the most handsome you’d ever seen, if you were being honest with yourself.

He was wearing dark jeans and a shirt with black and white print that was hidden underneath a black leather jacket. Everything about this man seemed to scream fashionable and it was throwing you for a loop. You weren’t trying to stereotype him based on your own experience with detectives in the past, but he was just…so not what you expected him to be.

You were wondering again if this might be a prank, until he finally spoke up and acknowledged your presence.

“Y/N, is it?”

You nodded dumbly, scrambling to walk across the office as he motioned to the chair in front of his desk. He sat down in his own once you were close enough, and you shrugged out of your jacket before following suit.

There was a moment of silence between the two of you, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. If anything, you felt small under his scrutinizing gaze. He was leaning on one elbow, chin resting in his palm as he stared at you with intensity.

He spoke suddenly, almost making you flinch with surprise.

“So, you mentioned a friend of yours might be in danger?”

You nodded, not sure what to say or if you should say anything.

“Does this friend know you’ve come to a private detective about their situation?”

You opened your mouth, closed it, and opened it again. “Well…no.”

The man nodded, more to himself than you, it looked like. “Alright. That’s not an issue, just have to cover all the basics first.”

“What do the basics entail?”

He seemed amused by your interest as you took the initiative to ask questions now.

His fingertips drummed along the desk, a rhythmic sound that you found to be oddly soothing.

“It entails me finding out as much about your case as I’m willing to before I decide whether or not it’s something I can assist you with.”

He started twirling a pen with his unoccupied fingers, clearly waiting for you to speak first again before he continued.

“What do you want to know?”

“Anything you feel is pertinent to tell me.”

You sighed. “Well, to start with, I think my friend is being followed by someone-”

“Proof?”

You frowned. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Do you have proof? Does this friend have pictures or a video of them being followed, or is it just a feeling?”

“To my knowledge…no. It’s more that they sense it than have actually seen it.”

“And you want me to find out if this is happening or not?”

“Um…yes?”

It was his turn to sigh this time. “You don’t sound very confident in your answer, Y/N.”

His tone rubbed you the wrong way. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“What it means,” he broke off to look away from the pen to your face again, “is that I need to know what it is you want from me before I can agree to help you.”

You were catching onto his game now. He wanted you to very specifically lay it all out for him, instead of leaving him to figure it out by grasping at straws.

“Well, Mr. Kim-”

“Taehyung.”

“Sorry?”

“Taehyung. You can call me that, if you want. I’m not super big on formalities for myself.”

You chewed the inside of your cheek. Why was his presence so overwhelming?

“With all due respect, Mr. Kim, I’ve never done this before. All I know is something isn’t right, and I don’t trust the police to offer assistance in the way I need.”

You swore you saw something flash in his eyes.

“Why don’t you trust the police?”

You crossed your arms and leaned more into the chair. “The last time I worked with them, it didn’t end well.”

“You’ve worked on the force?” He almost sounded impressed.

“No, sorry, poor choice of wording. I tried to help them with a case before.”

“Ah,” his eyes narrowed as he busied himself with the pen again. “Were you a suspect, or?”

“I was close to the victim,” you said softly, almost a whisper.

For a moment, his expression softened. “I’m so sorry.”

You shrugged, inhaling a shaky breath as you looked at your lap. “It’s fine. Just…there’s your answer. I don’t want to work with them again, so I came to you.”

“If I’m able to take your case, I’ll make sure you don’t regret that decision.”

His tone had you picking your eyes back up. You noticed a fire within his own, one that made you feel like he meant every single word he’d just said to you.

“Thank you.”

He carded a hand through his hair, the action drawing your attention to the silver watch that adorned his wrist.

“Can I ask…could you tell me about the case you were involved with?”

A slow nod from you. “If it’ll help, I can do that.”

He motioned for you to continue. As you started telling him the details, you noticed as his eyes widened. At one point, he politely interrupted you.

“Sorry, just – I remember that case. You were involved with that?”

“Yes.” You were twisting your hands together in your lap. “Ky was my best friend.”

“And the police just let the case go cold, without considering all traces of evidence?”

“I begged them not to, but there wasn’t much I could do. They made that known several times,” you trailed off. You thought you heard some semblance of a growl coming from the detective.

“I always knew something was weird about that…every report they published made no sense, and none of the pieces of evidence seemed to corroborate their theories.” His hushed tone suggested he may have been talking more to himself, but you didn’t question it.

“There were signs of suspicious behavior leading up to her death that they never considered, and any time I tried to bring it up, I was shut down immediately.”

“Are these ‘signs’ something you’re noticing now, with your other friend?”

“Yes, exactly.”

Taehyung hummed. “I see. You want to inspect this before it gets out of hand, so you came to me because the police are a lost cause.”

You nodded feebly, voice softer than ever when you spoke again. “I don’t want to see another person die.”

“You won’t.”

His answer startled you, even if it was as quiet as your own. Your eyes met briefly before he started looking anywhere but your face.

Another hush befell the room, and this one seemed more awkward than the last, considering Taehyung cleared his throat before he rifled through one of his desk drawers.

“Before you tell me anything else, I need you to look over something first.”

“Sure, whatever I need to do, I’ll do it.”

A crooked smile tugged at Taehyung’s lips. “You know, you’re a lot more obedient than most of my other clients.”

You…weren’t sure how to take that.

“I am?”

“Yeah. Most of the time they come in with demands and don’t like to listen when I push back on something. It’s part of the reason why I’ve gotten choosier about who I decide to do business with these last few years. But you,” he fished out a piece of paper from the drawer, “are proving much easier to work with. I appreciate that.”

“Oh. Thank you.”

He chuckled, the sound low. “You’re also way more polite than most people I encounter.”

You smiled at him for the first time. “I’m grateful you’re taking the time to hear me out.”

His eyes lingered on yours for just a second before shifting down.

“First and foremost,” Taehyung slid a piece of paper across the wooden desk that separated the two of you, “if we agree to do business, you’ll need to sign this contract. It lists my stipulations and services I can provide.”

You picked up the paper, not quite sure what to expect.

“Take your time to read over all of it carefully, just so everything is clear on both our ends.” He leaned back in his chair, the sound of squeaking leather breaking your concentration for a moment.

You scanned through every line, all of the contract terms seeming straight-forward and easy to agree to-

-but the last line caught your attention.

“Could you explain this last part, please?”

Taehyung leaned over to look at which line you were pointing to before he let out a soft chuckle. “Ah, that. My #1 most important rule. Never get involved with clients’ personal lives.”

“But don’t you have to sometimes?”

“For work, yes. But this is more referring to what happens outside of that. Things can get…messy.”

“You talk like that’s happened before.”

Taehyung smirked but offered nothing more to that specific conversation.

“So, are we in business?”

You didn’t have to ponder long before you signed the contract with a flourish. When you passed it back across the desk, Taehyung smiled.

“Perfect,” he stood up to shake your hand, “I’ll be in touch with you shortly, once I’ve reviewed your case.”

You returned the shake. “Thank you, Mr. Kim.”

He squeezed your hand once before letting it go.

“The pleasure is all mine.”

You waited to see if there was anything else he might need from you, shifting your weight from one foot to the other. He leaned down and sifted through his drawer once more, this time pulling out a Manila file folder.

“I use these to get the typical information needed for me to start my research. It just asks for client’s name and contact info, as well as a summary about what you’re wanting from me and other names of those involved. In this instance, it would be your friend. You can give me as little or as much info as you think I need.”

He handed the folder to you, and upon opening it up, you saw everything he had just mentioned to you on a sheet of paper stapled to the inside.

“I’d prefer you fill it out now so you can leave it with me, but of course I can’t force you to do anything.”

His tone suggested he was teasing, but you were quick to sit on one of the couches and begin filling out the paper. It didn’t take you very long, and when you were done, you noticed he was sitting on the opposite couch, elbows resting on his knees with his hands folded.

“Finished?”

You nodded as you slid the file across the coffee table, his pen placed on top. He accepted both and smiled at you.

“Alright, if that’s all you want to discuss, you’re free to go. As I mentioned before, I’ll be in touch with you after I’ve looked over everything and have some sort of plan on how to proceed. And of course, all of this information is strictly classified. You read that in the contract, but I always reiterate it anyway, due to some problems I’ve had in the past.”

“Of course.” You agreed with no hesitation. Honestly, you couldn’t fathom just how much he’s had to endure in his line of work, how many times he’s probably had to change locations and phone numbers.

Hell, Kim Taehyung may not even be his real name, and you’d never know.

“Any questions for me?”

You mumbled some form of ‘no’ as you shook your head. Taehyung walked over to the door to open it for you, and you certainly weren’t expecting the same woman from before to be out in the hallway, but there she was.

“Ms. Choi will show you out since this place is a bit of a maze,” his tone was light, a sheer contrast to the mood that had settled over the two of you from when you stepped into his office. “Don’t forget: I’ll contact you.”

“Yes, sir.” You couldn’t help the authoritative term as it slipped past your lips, and you walked through the door before you could see the look on his face. You thought you might have heard some sort of laugh from Ms. Choi as she escorted you back to the front, but your imagination liked to play tricks on you sometimes.

Besides, Taehyung said he wasn’t one for formalities, so it didn’t really matter that much, did it? He had to be older than you anyway…right?

You spent the entire walk through the building trying to justify in your head what had just happened, and Ms. Choi gave you a soft smile as she held the door open for you to leave.

When you settled back in your car, you gripped the steering wheel and took a deep breath, leaning your head back as you shut your eyes.

You still couldn’t quite believe that the last 30 minutes or so had happened. Taehyung had proven to be quite different than what you anticipated, but he was truthfully better than you could have hoped.

He seemed driven and motivated about his line of work, and the way he reassured you when you had your doubts-

-it made you feel…safe. Like this was a step in the right direction after all.

As you called Hobi to fill him in on everything during your drive home, you started to believe that maybe, just maybe, things would turn out alright.

⊱──────── ✬ ✬ ✬ ────────⊰

➥Part 2

➥Series Masterlist

➥All Works Masterlist

#bts #bts smut #bangtaninn #taehyung angst #taehyung x reader #taehyung au #taehyung scenarios #detective!au

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ignitification · 3 years

Text

Cold Flame

A brief explanation of how Rei and Shouto's evolution have to do with the return of Touya Todoroki.

tw: mentions of violence, mentions of suicide, mental illness

1.) I think these two panels tell a whole story of its own.Touya mentions how “The only thing he taught me was how to turn up the heat” referring to Endeavour. This sentence blatantly refers to the accident where Touya’s flames could not be stopped, because his strive to show his father that he is indeed someone to be proud of, has been ignited and then never shut down. Endeavour took Touya, lighted up the flames in Touya (both metaphorically, in his drive and strive to be a hero, and be his father’s hero - and literally, to bring out his fire quirk out while training), and then tossed Touya aside. Rei, on the other hand was not capable to stop him: whether this references to his training regimen, or to him chasing Endeavour, or even his dream is highly unclear - but the sole fact that Touya blames them both (because he feels like he has been bred for this goal, and Rei agreed to it, and then had not enough power to actually put an end to this nightmare) and he is partly right, because this has hurt more people than it was supposed to and that it was necessary. Rei does not know how to stop his kid from getting hurt, which is getting her hurt in return. In this panel, she looks frightened, offended, desperate to grab at Touya (who is silently and slowly slipping further away from her and her grasp) but she cannot. Now, I am not going to go further in this, because Rei not saving Touya is a partially incorrect statement, as yes, she could have done something if herself was not in a very bad place in the first place and if actually everything that happened between Endeavour and Touya did not hinder not only the relationship between Touya and Enji, but as well the one between Rei and Touya (as he see him rejecting her, because Touya knows why he had been born and probably has been influenced into thinking that his mother is weak, as she cannot fend for herself and just blindly accepted whatever Endeavour put in front of her, and not because she did not know any better, but because she did not know how).

2.) The jealousy an older sibling feels towards the newborn is completely normal, because the span of attention given to older siblings usually decreases. But here we are talking about two kids, breaded and raised to be vessels of their’s father dreams. This is an extreme scenario, where the competition between sibling is not about skills or quirk, but instead Touya sees it as a way to regain the lost affections/attention, which since Shouto has been born have never been sent towards him. And the fact that the birth of Shouto triggers in Touya’s the abysmal feeling of being a mistake, tells us that the parents did nothing to let him feel better, or to understand that it was not that way (even if arguably, Endeavour had other kids just because he wanted a perfect kid, which means that at the end of the day, he did consider Touya a mistake). And the fact that Touya was been willing to go this far, as far as to injure himself, as to emotionally condition himself into turning his flames from red to blue, is not only a sign of the mental pressure he put on himself and his emotions (always fuelled by that grating feeling of feeling less, worse, not right), but as well of the constant disappointment he felt when his father paid attention to him while scolding him, being angry at him, scowling and not making any effort. This angry, dark face is what shapes Dabi’s memories of Endeavour - an expression he wants to wipe out of his mind because it reminds him of not being the victim of shitty parenting, but of being considered a failure, worthy to burn to death, alone.

And these two.

2.5.) The ‘If only..’ hurts. Because this means not only that there was a chance that Touya did think about it, but he considered it then and there - because it was too much. Because even now, it is too much for him. Rethinking about all this moments is crucial for both Endeavour (who’s memory is definitely triggered into remembering gruelling details of his behaviour towards his children of when he was younger) and Dabi, who instead wonders whether the path he took, the decision he made all those years ago and that brought him there, was actually worth it. Because when Touya died, and Dabi was born on that hill when he was 13, he made the decision to take revenge and actually prove to his father that he is not a failure. He instead, is such a big mistake that Endeavour cannot cancel him anymore. Touya wanted desperately to be noticed for being right. Dabi wants desperately to be noticed because he is wrong, and a big mistake (which is also the result of Endeavour being his father and whatnot).

2.6.) And this. It’s the realisation that Endeavour is sowing the grief and pain of his oldest son, but it is also a realisation for Dabi: he took a decision, which he is sowing now (along with all the murders and the pain he himself inflicted). Memories which are more painful, and the fact that Dabi’s only comments on the accident is actually that it was scorching hot and that he couldn’t stop is very alarming and sad. He says nothing about how he felt. He just admits to the consequences of that gesture. He is not thinking of how much pain it was, or how sad he was, or anything else but just that this event was what made him into the person he is now, and there is no going back. He maybe thinks that things might have come out better if he actually had died that day. But he never talks of what is happening inside himself, because Dabi cannot allow himself such a weakness. And so, he feels nothing.

2.7.) These two panels (below) give me chills.They are so similar in the feeling they give up: desperation, realisation, hope, terrifying anger and sadness, elatedness in knowing that there is something to hang off, that maybe now the right moment has come. And it’s a sort of revival, a feeling brewing for so long and finally exploding in the hate, and the will to drag his father down in the mud with him.

3.) Rei's involvement, in Touya’s upbringing is a problematic topic for two reasons: she feels guilty about it, and her mental state which has been deteriorated by her family and her husband, does not allow her to even look for an excuse, as Endeavour did. Instead, Rei has been driven to a point where she just wants to let go.

I think that here, Rei, plays a very big role: she is stuck between a husband she cannot take on by herself, and a child who wants nothing to do with her because of her actions (which are inherently caused by Endeavour). And her mental health further deteriorates. Rei looks distraught. I would say even fatigued, and weighted down by everything that is happening, and how she cannot and does not want to deal with it.

In the hospital room, in Chapter 300, when she comes back and tells Endeavour that he is not the only to have suffered, she is not only referring to Touya, but to herself as well. I think it is important to note how the change happened. For both Shouto and Rei, Touya is a central button: after the accident, things escalated so much for Rei that she ended up in the hospital, Endeavour instead got the full time he wanted with Shouto (reversing his negative feelings, guilt, remorse and strive for his broken dream) into training.

And the fact that in this moment, she chooses to let Touya go (metaphorically) is not only heartbreaking, but also reflects the anger in Endeavour’’s eyes who’s thinking line has to go along the lines of: ffs, I have to do everything around here (which I do not want to sound rude, comes off as misogynist, but as well disrespectful and just right arrogant). However, the fact that Rei here is weak, does not define her character and instead Touya coming back is exactly what she needs to step on her feet again, and transform this

into ‘I’m here now’ and I’m going to solve this situation. Because Rei is tired of the situation, of Endeavour and wallowing in Endeavour’s shadow. It is time for her to actually intervene like she should have done years ago, and save her kid (or at least, give Touya a forgiveness sort of goodbye, and maybe tell him that notwithstanding their mistakes, and the fact that he was born because of a Quirk Marriage, Touya was still loved).

4.) But then, Shouto's has always been aware of how bad the situation in his own home is. Him protecting his mom is greatly telling in this sense: Shouto, despite being as traumatised by his father’s behaviour as Natsuo and Fuyumi (who are older than him, and are also crying in this panel - because Endeavour is a very tall, and build man and he is the Head of the family, which is also probably why they know what is going on, and no matter how many times this happened, if one or twenty but there is no excuse for Endeavour scaring his children so much they feel the need to retract in themselves (as shown by Fuyumi’s position on the floor, and Natsuo trying to be shielded by his bigger sister) and to cry as silently as possible with the hope that the angry person does not notice them. Shouto, on the other hand, while also crying actually stands up to his father (as he continued doing til today) and despite the shouts, angry stare and all the burden that comes with parent’s argument, he still tries to protect his mother, because he knows that the dominance of Endeavour’ character is too much for Rei to take. Because Rei is tired. Look at her face. Look at her eyes and her general exhaustion. The panel of point 3 stands to identify that she cannot take anymore. And instead, Shouto plays the bigger person. Notwithstanding all the obstacles he has overcome (the hellish training manu, his father’s expectations, the burden left by Touya’s disappearance, his father’s ego and anger, his mum burning him, Rei’s hospitalisation, the scattered relationship with his siblings, his empty childhood), Shouto stands tall and proud, knowing what he has to do.

I think that Shouto’s being the Hero of his own family, is a very important ‘part’ of not only the story, but as well for Shouto, who is evolving in character and setting the foundations for an individual whose past prejudices his future, and he has to resolve the plethora of things that he carries involuntarily with him, before possibly saying that he has achieved something, and that he became a Hero. I like how Horikoshi pointed slightly out that this whole drama, even if the protagonists are Touya and Endeavour, is not only the shaping path of Shouto, but as well his stepping stone for being a real hero (through the pits of fire which once again he has to do, in order to let go of the past, and instead his future, depicted in fire and ice).

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canyouhearthelight · 3 years

Text

The Miys, Ch. 128

This is another chapter that I started with one intention and it kind of dragged me the other way. I started with what Miys says at the beginning as a kernel, and...

Yeah, avoiding spoilers, you get...*waves frantically* this. Which I am excited about seeing where it goes.

Kudos to @baelpenrose and @mustachebatarts for this chapter. You’ll both understand when you read it :)

Tyche nodded sleepily as Alistair handed her a cup of coffee, mirroring my own struggle to wake up. It was the beginning of Alpha shift - roughly 6:30am Terran Pacific NorthAm time - and we were starting our week with an extremely rare mission brief. Parvati and Hannah seemed either anxious or excited - possibly a combination - as the last brief they had received was ship-wide when we announced the lighting changes. Neither of them had ever been in one of the Council-only meetings that preceded such announcements.

Due to the growth on the Council - both among administrators and among Mentees - it wasn’t feasible to hold this meeting face to face in the room ordinarily used for such things. As a result, each Councilor was joining from their respective office, along with auxiliary staff who needed to be privy to the information discussed. For someone like Grey, that would be themself, Antoine, and their current admin, Nora. In my case, it was everyone who reported to my office.

“Has everyone joined?” I asked in my role as Parliamentarian for this meeting. No one liked the position, so it rotated.

“Still waiting on Huynh, Charly, and Ivan,” Eino replied.

“We’re here!” an entirely-too-awake voice greeted.

Ignoring the laugh that Alistair and Hannah were suppressing, I forged ahead. “That’s everyone then. Good Morning, Council. Today is January 23rd, 2051 Terran-relative time, 45th day of Von cold season Year four Pre-Colony. We are currently two Terran years from Von. Miys has requested that we gather this morning for an important mission update so that we can prepare. Miys, you have the floor.”

“Thank you, Wisdom. Good day, Human Council.” I couldn’t tell if Miys had practiced or was operating on multiple minds, but the resemblance to a human public-speaker was startling. “As stated by Councilor Wisdom, the Yjq is currently two Terran years from your destination. We requested to address you in order to advise that navigational adjustments will be necessary within one Terran year of the planet you call Von.”

Murmurs erupted on the conference, but no one actually interrupted, so Miys continued. “Due to the density of systems in this portion of the Galaxy, the final Terran year of the journey cannot be made at our current speed. The Yjq will need to drop out of relativistic space and complete the remaining leg in realspace.”

“How does this immediately impact the human population?” Grey asked first, hardly letting Miys finish their statement.

“With the sensors operational, there should be no noticeable difference in the transition,” came the answer. “However, there will be the introduction of potential physical hazards once we are in realspace.”

After a pause of silence, Xiomara spoke up. “Are you talking about the potential of being attacked?”

“Galactic law prohibits acts of violence against aide or rescue vessels.”

I heard an explosive snort before an extremely dry voice joined in. “Miys, that is the opposite of an answer,” Evania argued. “And we all know that criminals are famous for their adherence to the letter of the law.”

An alert chirped on my data band, and I almost choked when I saw Arthur’s message: “Oh, I LIKE her…”

“Once we are no longer in relativistic space, the Yjq is due to rendezvous with an Ekomari escort within thirty Terran days.”

“And what is the tactical benefit of that escort?” Evan pushed.

Rather than Miys, Charly responded. “Ekomari are very aggressive, but even more bound by a code of honor. They view preying on the weak - including rescue and aide vessels - the most disgusting behavior imaginable. This extends to the point of stopping their own attacks once the enemy is considered defeated.”

“Only an extremely overconfident or suicidal crew would try to go up against an Ekomari squadron that is escorting us,” Arthur finished.

“That is satisfactory. No objections.”

Approval in her tone, Xiomara launched the next question. “What about the thirty days we won’t have an escort? What is normally done on that leg of the journey?”

“Optimally, there is no such period during such a relocation.” I heard every person in my office inhale with dread at that statement. “During this time, there is always an increased concern that pirates and scavengers will attack in an attempt to be the first beings with artifacts from the newly present species.”

“Souvenirs… They want us for souvenirs…” Tyche muttered.

“We will discuss our options once we have all the information,” I stated loudly, trying to keep the meeting going before everyone panicked. “Miys, what other information do we need to know about the final year of the journey?”

“Once we are in realspace, long distance scans and data mining operations will begin for more accurate information regarding Von. This information will be communicated to the entire Council so that any changes or updates to colony plans may be adjusted and finalized. That is all for now.”

“Thank you Miys. You may remain in the meeting, as we may need your input regarding Galactic regulations, statistics, or laws.”

“Of course, Wisdom.”

I nodded and took a deep breath. “Xiomara, I’m pretty sure that you and Evan have a lot to say on the matter at hand. Are there any objections to Health and Safety taking the floor?”

After a round of negatives, I conceded the floor. “Thank you, Sophia. Council, clearly there is a pressing matter in our future, here at the end of a tumultuous era, just as our goal is in sight. We cannot allow thirty days of risk to derail us now. For all that we have striven to show humanity as capable of peace and change, we now need to reach down to the roots of our very existence and ensure that we will not be undefended in that month.”

“Miys, the Ark is equipped with scouting probes and evacuation shuttles,” Evan followed. “What are the chances that we can repurpose those into our own small squadron for defensive purposes.”

“Doing such would invalidate the protection the Yjq is afforded by Galactic Law.”

“Excuse me, what!?” I sputtered, completely caught off guard.

“Hospital ships are only protected so long as they are incapable of defense, to prevent opposing forces from attacking each other under the guise of aide,” Charly explained in a mournful tone.

Evan and I groaned heavily. “At least tell me that the odds of any attackers completely blowing up the ship are low?”

“They would only be able to do so by detonating our drives from the inside. To do so from the exterior would require more force than a coronal ejection from a white dwarf star.”

That was reassuring at least.

“So we would be safe as long as they don’t board the ship,” Arthur acknowledged. I could see where his next question was going, but Evan beat him to it by a mile.

“Since we are not Hujylsogox, and are only the cargo of the Ark, there are no prohibitions against us defending ourselves in the event of a forced boarding, correct? Only you, yourself, would not be able to fight back.”

“This is correct, Commander Josue. I am not allowed to interfere in such a matter.”

Interesting wording. Noah was telling us, as officially as allowed, that it would not fight the intruders, but also would not stop us from any actions we took. I smiled as I felt a confirming nudge in the back of my mind.

“Well, those weapons demonstrations were certainly not just for fun,” Huynh growled. I could hear Charly cackling in the background before he confirmed to her that, yes, she can play with the construction exos.

“Let’s be organized about this,” Xiomara insisted. “For those comfortable with helping defend, we need to set up anti-boarding drills to start six months out at the latest. For those on the ship who are against violence, sort them into who can provide medical aid and who needs to do evacuation drills. Eino, Arthur - can you assist Sophia’s team with that?”

“We can,” Eino confirmed, echoed by Arthur.

Parvati and Hannah glanced at each other silently before the former jumped in. “I recommend that at least one person with weapons training is assigned to each evacuation group, as a worst case defense.”

“I second that,” Xiomara agreed in a clipped tone. “Any objections?” A brief, silent pause. “Good. Add that to the strategy.”

“Miys, we need a list of what species are most likely to be found on pirate vessels. Knowing their biology will go a long way to developing defense strategies,” Arthur requested.

“I like it,” Evan approved. “Ekomari may be honorable, but humanity has survived this long because we aren’t ashamed of taking cheap shots.”

“It is safe to assume that boarding parties will not have electromagnetic vision, as it has been advised that it is quite rare in the galaxy,” Grey pointed out. “We can use this to our advantage, most likely.”

“If we’re lucky to be in the light part of the cycle…” Tyche muttered.

“Administrator Reid has a point,” Pranav admitted, startling her. “If we are in the dark part of the cycle, we will be at a distinct disadvantage.”

“The lights are artificial,” Huynh sighed. “We can turn them on.”

“If I may interject,” Miys responded. “It is not as simple as you seem to believe to increase the light emitters on the entire Ark, Councilor Huynh. The drain on the ship engines could permanently damage them.”

I could feel Charly’s eyes rolling in my soul when she picked up from there. “We can try to make some plans for that contingency. Pranav does have a point.”

“So that’s anti-boarding drills, evacuation drills, aid teams, threat assessment, and at least a start on evaluating where we stand from a defensive perspective. Once Sophia, Eino, and their offices coordinate who is which group, we’ll pull back up to determine who will be leading which initiatives,” Xiomara recapped. “Sophia, anything else we need to cover?”

“I think that’s the priorities right now,” I confirmed, effectively ending the meeting. Once I closed out the channel, I turned to those in my office. “So, how do we feel about this?”

“Like you are going to be in one of the evacuation groups, stuffed as far back in the ship as possible,” Tyche stated drily.

“If we get boarded,” I pointed out. “It may not happen.”

“Madam Reid, you are on this ship.”

I scowled at Alistair before turning to Parvati and Hannah. “Reach out to Arthur and Eino to schedule that meeting.”

Hannah looked unsure. “Why are they being loaned to us for this? Eino’s a Councillor.”

The door of my office hissed open and the rhythmic thud of boots walked in. “Because your office, specifically Tyche, handles all ship staffing, while I am being used for physical ability assessments, and Eino literally has nothing to do as head of Education in all this.” Arthur nodded his head in thanks when Alistair handed him tea.

I just pointed at him and nodded. “Besides, this way Xiomara is indirectly involved.” I glanced at Parvati before winking. “It was a clever move, I have to admit.”

Parvati smiled and shook her head. “I can’t even say you’re wrong. That’s exactly why she did it, honestly, on all counts.”

“And that is part of it, too.” Tyche waved. “Work more closely with your fellow future Councillors, and you learn to read what they aren’t saying. Our office works very closely with Xio’s and Grey’s, so we have to know how best to keep that going.”

Arthur just held his arms wide and shrugged. “I have to respect Xiomara’s tendency to keep her fingers on all pulses. She’s almost as bad as Sophia that way.”

“Hey!”

“It’s true,” Alistair sighed. “You are profoundly nosy.”

Hannah groaned and threw her head back. “We are never going to be on the Council at this rate.”

“Excuse me?? That’s the point of all this!” I gestured around my office energetically.

“Yes, because you will totally retire,” Hannah said slowly, nodding her head like I was a toddler. “Of course you will, Sophia. We all know it…”

Parvati snickered, covering it badly. Arthur gave me a pointed look, and I could hear him repeating ‘obsessive, compulsive perfectionist’.

I was saved, for certain, weird values of salvation, by Tyche. She just glanced down at her nails, studying them, before calmly glancing at me. “Charly is dangerously close to getting approval from Sebastian for her proposal of kink night at the Undine. Think really hard if you want to be on the Council for that, Sophia. It would be an event, meaning it would come to this office.”

“Yep, retiring soon,” I squeaked. Laughter erupted around me as my face heated up. “I’m all for sex positivity, but I just can’t fathom the logistics of that. Nope. Not gonna be me. Y’all have fun. Enjoy. All yours.”

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#the miys #humans are weird #aliens #apocalypse #post-apocalypse #science fiction #humans are awesom #humans are space orcs #pirates #plot #strategy

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oumakokichi · 3 years

Note

I have a question for you about your opinions of Kaito. I've seen that you say he's homophobic and all that, but there is something about that statement that really bothers me. In his Love Suit Event, it heavily implies that Kaito not only has romantic feelings towards a very clear male rival, but also wants to win the plane race to earn the right to confess those romantic feelings. A lot of people see him as gay or bi coded, so I thought I'd ask what you thought about that.

I’ve been thinking about how to reply to this ask for a little while now, and I think I’ve finally got my thoughts all laid out. This isn’t meta, but my response will nonetheless be somewhat long, so I’ll be putting most of it under a read-more.

Anon, I’m really not sure what to tell you. Me saying that Momota has homophobic lines and behavior isn’t just my interpretation or opinion; it’s an actual fact that he does say homophobic/transphobic slurs in the game. Not in his FTEs, not in his love hotel or salmon mode, but in chapter 2 of the actual game, directed specifically at Korekiyo. The word specifically is “okama” (オカマ), and it has a very heavy and unfortunate history as a slur in Japan used predominantly against gay men and trans women, who as I’ve stated, are unfortunately often lumped together and assumed to be “the same thing” by cishet people.

I’ve had people spread misinformation about this slur, claiming that he used it in the chapter 3 trial instead and that that’s why he was being so derogatory to Korekiyo instead, but this is factually untrue. He uses this slur in chapter 2, well before Korekiyo murders anyone and before he’s revealed to be incestuous and a serial killer. And even if it were true, trying to justify the usage of homophobic and transphobic slurs with “well the person he was saying them to was a bad person so it’s okay” is a fundamentally flawed way of thinking.

It’s also a fact that he reacts with complete disgust and is horrified by even the idea of Saihara potentially coming on to him during one of his dates in salmon mode. He specifically says, “you don’t swing that way, do you!?” while using his most horrified sprite, and unlike the slur, the localization did more or less keep this line.

Again, there have been people who have tried to argue that this was simply because Momota was “sad at the idea of Saihara coming out without telling him first,” and again, this is factually untrue. Both the localization and the original Japanese dialogue of the game make it explicitly clear that he is completely grossed out at the idea of Saihara being attracted to him. This isn’t my personal interpretation or anything like that; it’s quite literally in the text.

I went and reread Momota’s love hotel to refresh my memory of the scene, and... I’m really not sure where you’re getting that he’s referring to a “very clear male rival.” He is certainly referring to a rival as his “ideal romantic partner,” but he never says anything at all about said rival’s gender. There’s absolutely nothing in the scene itself that ever specifies that he’s seeing Saihara as another guy.

In fact, for all that he talks quite enthusiastically about his rivalry with this person, he never once says any of his usual lines about “a man’s passion” or lectures about the way “men should behave.” Considering a good part of his interactions with most of the other male characters in ndrv3, not just Saihara, often involve him talking about what is or isn’t appropriate for a man (Hoshi’s suicidal tendencies are “effeminate” and unfitting for someone he looked up to, Gonta crying in the investigations is “unmanly,” etc.), I would actually say that it’s more likely he isn’t talking to another guy here, but this is just my speculation and it’s open to interpretation if nothing else.

However, it is a fact that just because Saihara is playing the part of his rival in his love hotel scene does not automatically mean that said rival “must be a guy.” Saihara plays the part of literally everyone’s ideal romantic partner in every single love hotel scene, and in most of them he’s very clearly being perceived differently than he actually appears. Hoshi, for example, is pretty clearly seeing Saihara through the lens of his dead girlfriend who he mentions in his FTEs, despite not ever explicitly referring to Saihara in his love hotel event as a man or a woman.

There’s no denying that Momota’s idea of romance is linked with passionate ideas about rivalry and competition, and that he likes grand gestures. But again, there is nothing in the text whatsoever about his rival being another man. That part is purely speculation, and nothing in the actual love hotel scene ever states that.

In my own opinion, I cannot agree with saying that a character who canonically uses homophobic slurs and reacts with open disgust to another guy coming on to him is “coded” to be gay or bisexual. Coding is the deliberate placement of subtle clues and details woven into the text to clue readers in that a character may be a certain sexuality or gender identity. With rare exceptions (like Mac from It’s Always Sunny, who by this point has been confirmed to be a gay man on the show), characters who use homophobic slurs aren’t usually “coded” to be gay or bi.

If anything, I feel that the trope of “homophobe who’s secretly a closeted gay man” does more harm than good to the LGBT community, implying that we’re responsible for the violence and prejudices used against ourselves. This trope also reassures other people whose prejudices and homophobia might be less outspoken that they’re not “really” showing any homophobic behavior or attitudes because they’re not outright saying slurs or showing their disgust, and leads them to assume that they’re not complicit.

I also feel that it’s worth pointing out that being a member of the LGBT community does not excuse anyone from homophobic or transphobic behavior, either. Having grown up in a highly conservative and deeply homophobic household, I understand perfectly well what it’s like to grow up closeted and repessed about your own sexuality. But brushing off the use of slurs directed at other people and saying that it’s okay because the person saying those slurs eventually came out is... not a great look, honestly. Even previously-closeted LGBT people still have to be held accountable for their behavior and for the harm they might have caused other people with their actions. There is no “free pass” for saying slurs to other people.

That being said, if people want to headcanon Momota as gay or bisexual, that’s an entirely different matter. Headcanons are separate from coding and are simply a matter of personal preference. Again, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to reclaim a character and actually show them growing from and apologizing for their past behavior. I can understand people who might relate to Momota’s better qualities, and who want to interpret his character in a positive way.

But it’s important in making these headcanons to not erase the fact that he did, canonically, say a homophobic slur, and to not speak over other LGBT people who are understandably uncomfortable with this fact. Just because the localization erased said slur entirely doesn’t change the intention of the original dialogue, and it doesn’t change the way Momota consistently reacts negatively to the idea of other men showing any sort of attraction to him that isn’t purely “bros being bros.”

I’m absolutely not trying to be harsh or dismissive here anon, and I hope I’ve been clear with that in my response. Again, if other people want to headcanon him as gay or bisexual because they love or relate to his character and want to see him grow from his flaws, that’s totally fine! But he’s in no way deliberately “coded” to be gay or bisexual when there are multiple instances of him having homophobic behavior in the actual, canon text.

#ask #opinions #anonymous #okay to reblog #homophobia //#i feel like this was an important discussion and i'm glad if i could share my thoughts about it if nothing else

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kitkatopinions · 3 years

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I’m probably over thinking/over complicating things but Ironwood and Penny have been really bothering me. It because prior to the moment that destroyed Penny’s arc the show and Ruby were really pushing that Penny not matter her body was human and that’s a very positive I like that especially when it comes to characters of Penny’s nature.

So my problem kicks in when I think of Ironwood. Namely this part in his song:

“What if it's true as they say

That I don't have a heart

That I'm more a machine than a man?”

Like wtf. I mean I “get it” especially with that dumbass line of Winter. But when it’s talked about Ironwood it was always in reference to the fact that his body is half robotic and there for we are meant to see the correlation between his body and his character.?

Put next to Penny’s message that really bothers me. Even more so since Penny gets a “reward” of becoming human, but the writers push that Ironwood sacrificing his arm to stop Watts and replacing it (a medical decision that could be debated given that he wanted to be up and able immediately to handle things not to mention that fact that nerves and muscle are severely fucked up) with a new (uncharacteristically uncovered) prosthetic means that he’s moving away from humanity. This thought has been driving nuts for a week.

I don’t think you’re overthinking at all. The writers have been pretty blatant about what they think of disabled people.

On the topic of James, 1. They wrote their triple amputee character to be coded as losing his humanity. This is suspect from the get go, but writers imo need to be especially careful and sensitive when they display things like villains with prosthetics. CRWBY is not careful and sensitive. 2. They specifically connected the loss of his limb to the loss of his humanity outside of the show, and as you said, his new prosthetic is uncharacteristically uncovered as well, and there were some pointed shots showcasing his arm and emphasizing it before showing Ironwood doing something wrong as well as a shot that particularly bothered me of them having James fall to Winter when his aura broke and then them immediately flashing to a fallen, broken robotic soldier. Tying the loss of someone’s humanity to them losing a limb / gaining a prosthetic in any way is wrong imo. There are better ways to display someone’s loss of humanity than villainizing the loss of his arm, and I don’t care what justifications people have for ‘they just meant to say that he was too impatient to-’ Idc. Tying the loss of humanity to the gaining of a prosthetic is wrong. 3. They never once treated Ironwood’s clear PTSD, history of mental health problems, and trauma with any sympathy, instead spending their time ragging on him for not wanting to feel his pain anymore and condemning him for... Trying to control his emotions. 4. CRWBY also gave him a semblance and explained how it worked by saying he hyper focused, talking about how James’ passive semblance that he can’t control forces him to focus on one single goal and fixate. I’m not disabled, but I do hyper fixate. It’s not something I can control, and to see it used as a justification for evil (in one of my favorite characters in the series who reminded me of my father lol) and being treated as something bad... It doesn’t feel good. I can’t imagine how other people must feel who are much more affected by this than I am. 5. As you say, the writers go out of their way to reference his metal body as being more ‘machine than man’ and make lines about him being heartless. And yeah, I get that he’s an allegory for the ‘Tin Man’ from Wizard of Oz but ffs the Tin Man had always had a heart and I honestly thought that was what they were going for in V3 with Qrow commenting that sometimes he thought James didn’t have a heart and the audience seeing Ironwood’s actions as questionable, only for the entire show to tell us repeatedly that he actually is a caring and good person who’s willing to destroy all the forces he was proud to show off if it means saving lives and was actually pretty freaking blameless in the Fall of Beacon and was super kind to the kids and when the chips were down, Qrow and Glynda both absolutely knew without even questioning that James would never ever willingly hurt the world or fully betray them and had absolutely no hand in the Beacon attack. Like, I’m sorry, but between Penny and Ironwood, season eight is the season of taking well done character allusions and throwing them out the window for the exact opposite moral done incredibly poorly. And anyway, getting off of that rant, making a ‘more machine than man’ sentiment tied around a triple amputee character is incredibly harmful and hurtful to people with disabilities and only propagates the real world stereotypes against people like James.

So, yes, their treatment of Ironwood, his mental health, and specifically his disabilities was so badly done, harmful, incredibly insensitive, and frankly, appalling that it came from grown adult writers in 2019-2021! But, as you point out, it’s not just Ironwood. And here’s where things really get bad for CRWBY. Because Ironwood alone is enough for me to say they were ableist - unintentionally or otherwise - and ought to apologize for the hurt they’ve caused their fans. But when you get into the rest of their treatment of characters with metal prosthetics or non-flesh elements to their body, it becomes a pattern.

Penny’s entire body is removed from her on threat of death, with the justification that it’s hurting her and that her body is just a machine and not part of who she is, contradicting Penny’s earlier themes of self-acceptance and validating her humanity in the body she already had. She then dies by assisted suicide in a way that feels unneeded, after having asked to be killed earlier in the narrative. So many people have talked about how destructive her story became in V8 and how it personally hurt them, especially non-binary people, trans people, autistic people, or disabled people who saw themselves in Penny or saw in her arc something that they could relate to, only to have Penny’s differences stripped away from her, having her conform to normal body standards and have her previous body type invalidated by her friends, and then they had her killed via assisted suicide in an unbelievable way, insisting as well that she never made a choice before she was a flesh-person and couldn’t feel things right. It’s all horribly done, but it’s important to remember that while Ironwood is accused of losing his humanity as he loses a third limb and gets a third prosthetic, Penny’s earlier validation is taken away and is instead only granted and she is only justified as a person when she loses all her ‘nuts and bolts’ and becomes a flesh person. And then she’s killed anyway.

Yang’s prosthetic is the least ill handled, but it is still dismissed as ‘just extra’ despite her former fairly strong arc of coming to terms with her disability and making it a part of her. She casually justifies what’s happening with Penny despite Penny not being in a position of adequate consent. Yang’s trauma and PTSD also vanished when Adam died at the end of season six and in my opinion, that situation was handled very badly.

Maria and Pietro, two other disabled characters, disappeared, left when Amity fell and were not even mentioned iirc since. Not even when Penny is awake, not even when they’re evacuating, not even when Penny is choosing to die. She never brings up her father. And Ruby’s supposed ‘mentor’ who never had an actual narrative role that couldn’t have been filled by Qrow and has had nothing to do since season six even past that is also forgotten out in the tundra and not mentioned again.

The writers go out of their way to have Winter say that because she was just following orders (a statement that contradicts her previous character imo) and pushing down her emotions, she was the real machine, whereas Penny had been human underneath her apparently easily tossed aside and destructive previous metal body. And I don’t know if this means anything, but in that scene where she and Penny meet when Penny is dying and transferring the maiden powers to Winter, Winter is in her V7 character design, instead of wearing her assistive brace. Like I said, I don’t know if I’m reading into that, but with everything else, it feels like an iffy choice.

So yeah. In the past season CRWBY specifically cultivated a pattern of disrespect, dismissal, and villainization of any non-flesh attributes in my opinion. It seems pretty intentional and clear to me, but I’m willing to accept that maybe this was just a wildly bad uneducated mistake. Here’s the thing about that, though, after the Faunus/Racism allegory, the CRWBY writers should’ve learned their lesson and not touched on any real world topics that they weren’t willing to do the research on and treat with the sensitivity and care and respect the topics needed. Their Faunus/Racism allegory was harmful and hurtful and frankly could’ve sunk them in the water, they should’ve learned to put much more care and effort into their work or stayed the hell away from anything that could further spread the negative stereotypes surrounding real world people. But they didn’t learn their lesson and they’ve continued to push harmful narratives with no awareness or sensitivity. I don’t think you’re over-reacting at all, I think this is something that - intentionally written or otherwise - the writers should be called out on, or they’re just going to continue writing harmful narratives.

Also, I am not disabled, many of my opinions on the treatment of these characters comes from posts I’ve seen from many disabled or neurodivergent RWBY fans (or former RWBY fans,) or other people more affected by these narratives - minus the thing I said about Winter appearing without her brace when she talks to Penny, as it was something I just noticed while typing out this post. Since I’m not disabled, I’m not the best person to talk about these things, so if I got anything wrong in this, anyone more affected, please know you can let me know and I can edit and fix.

#rwde #rwby bashing #anti rwby #anti crwby #anti MKEK #rwby hate #if anyone comes in the comments invalidating or justifying I'll block #pro james ironwood #pro Ironwood #ironwood defense

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itstheelvenjedi · 3 years

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So, I have a post in my drafts that struck a cord with me the other day, but in the interest of not hijacking that person’s post I felt it best to make my own to talk about things.

In essence, the post talked (very rightfully) about how you shouldn’t judge someone who says they don’t like their mother, and how unhelpful and downright harmful it is to assume that just because someone is nice to you it means they’re a good parent to their kids. This post talks about mothers specifically as that’s my experience but yes this can apply to any other parental/family figure.

Big dead dove do not eat warning for this, I’m not gonna describe things in detail but here’s the trigger warnings for stuff mentioned: Trigger Warnings: Abuse, Abusive parents, Animal neglect, gaslighting, emotional manipulation, financial abuse, suicide

Tl; dr: don’t assume that everyone’s parents are loving, and please stop automatically assuming a child/teen etc. is being “difficult” if they say negative things about their parents. Yes, it can just be a teenage strop, but not always, and treating these things as being exactly the same can be very harmful.

At the risk of going full “edgelord” here, in personal experience this is SO true. And the whole “well it’s your mother, you have to love her she gave birth to you!!” and “I can’t imagine hating my mom that’s so rude/ungrateful/disrespectful” rhetoric is actually very harmful. People that told me those things every time I tried to open up about my abuse were the reason that it took me nearly 13 years to even acknowledge that it was abuse. Because any criticism of her horrendous treatment of me (without going into horrendous details lets say I had no control over any aspect of my life under her roof even after I was legally an adult, gaslighting, controlling every decision I was ever “allowed” (read: co-erced) to make including which friends/family members I was and wasn’t allowed to bond with etc., emotional and financial abuse and a very fucked up suicide pact - thank fuck I had at least one relative to get me outta that one) was dismissed as me being a “difficult, ungrateful child” who needed to “be thankful for the effort my mother put in to raise me”....

Even though she didn’t raise me. The only positive experiences I have of my childhood are with my grandparents (who my mom palmed me off to the first chance she got) and my father, who certainly helped as much as they were able to but when it came to the “mom” side of things, I pretty much raised myself. I learned to budget and pay bills by the time I was 12, I learned to provide food for not only myself but my sister and our pets too because my mom would be incredibly excited to get a pet for all of 6 months (this still hasn’t changed, sadly, I do what I can to help the animals when I can) and then stop putting in the effort once it got “boring” so my dad and I would have to do it, etc. etc.

And yet when I tried to talk to other people, even grown ass adults, about how much I was struggling and how little help I was getting (I could also go on a rant about my experience with mental health care here in the UK but that would be a whole post in itself. Summary: I learnt some useful things that I still use to this day, but it’s lacking. A lot. Of things.) to cope with my rapidly spiralling mental health as a result was met with “don’t say you hate her, she’s your mother” and “she loves you and is trying her best, you shouldn’t give her such a hard time” and so on. And for a very long time I did believe those things. I believed it was all my fault and if I was just “better” or “less difficult” then she’d stop calling me names, she’d actually take interest in things I had to say instead of trying to make every conversation about her and how terrible her life is, if I “helped out more” then she’d stop taking every penny I earned away from me.

I thought that all of these horrible things that were being done to me were done out of “love” and that by trying to tell people about it and ask for help, I was being “an ungrateful bitch”.

It wasn’t until I left that house and went to college and got a different support system (including the two therapists that actually did help me properly) that could identify the things I was talking about as abuse that I could even take steps to deal with it & start recovering at all. If it hadn’t been for the relative, my girlfriend and the friends that I had made helping me through it all on that fateful year in 2017, I probably never would have gotten out at all.

Now, I’m not saying that people who say those sentences are deliberately meaning for it to be harmful to the person, in fact quite the opposite!

I think a lot of people who come out with statements like that genuinely do mean well, but the problem is if you haven’t experienced that sort of mistreatment and abuse (and again, this is not a personal attack, just an observation!) it’s very very hard to imagine what it might be like. If you’ve always had a loving and supportive mother, it’s incredibly difficult to imagine that there may be moms out there that are quite terrible.

You might not understand what it feels like to have a parent that doesn’t teach you love, compassion and independance; but instead teaches you helplessness, fear, and blind complacency.

You might not understand what it feels like to have a parent that does not say it because they mean it, but instead uses “I love you” (and/or “I thought you loved me!! D:”) like a weapon.

You might not understand that the hardest thing for us to do is actually detach ourselves from that toxic, codependant idea of “love”, or how long it takes sometimes to finally get to that point.

You might not understand the struggle, and from the bottom of my heart I do really hope that you never have to understand it, but just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

Please let’s stop making “they’re your (relative), you have to love them!” an automatic response to criticism or negative comments about someone’s parent/relative. You never know the reason behind it and you may be doing more harm than you think.

#long post #elven screams into the void #tw: abusive parents #tw: animal neglect #tw: gaslighting #tw: emotional manipulation #tw: financial abuse #tw: suicide #tw: suicide mention #i think i've got everything but uhhh #ask to tag #in case i missed something #sorry to be a bit of a downer here but it's something i felt like speaking up on #(i'm fine btw this isn't like a vent-vent; i'm just being cautious with my tags as ik some people don't like negative/ranty things #and might have the tag(s) blocked to avoid seeing it; so i want to make sure that's possible for those people) <3

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movedyoakkemae · 3 years

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my thoughts on the en.deavour redemption arc (chs 164 - 302). DO NOT REBLOG.

DO NOT REBLOG !!

the endeavour redemption arc is a rather controversial arc in the manga, and, tl;dr: i think it started eh, continued badly, turned better, then ended like shit.

note: if you are anime only, this will contain spoilers ! trigger warnings: child abuse, domestic abuse, suicide, and murder.

here are the things we know: endeavour physically abused shōto, tōya, and rei. he ignored natsuo and fuyumi, and he discarded tōya once he realised that tōya got burnt through using his quirk. he also mentally and emotionally abused all of them. separated shōto from the rest of his siblings. not to mention the fact that he married rei on purpose in order to create the perfect tool that would become the number one hero in his stead. he thinks of his children as objects, as extensions of himself.

however, endeavour, not out of his own power but because of all might's lack of strength, ends up reaching the number one spot as a hero by himself. this kickstarts endeavour's "redemption" arc, particularly in chapter 164 when endeavour asks all might:

endeavour: you hear about this? how the crime rate this past month... is up 3% compared to past years? i... i'm the guy who resolved more incidents than anyone, now more than ever... but i can hear it. the thing you've built that cannot be seen... is crumbling down. so, #1 hero... what's it mean to be the symbol of peace? (ch 164)

in a lot of ways, this question is surprising to hear. as we can tell even in the question itself, endeavour's main area of focus has been about the amount of incidents that he has stopped, the amount of villains that he has defeated, but recognising that there was something missing, something that all might had built up, certainly shows an awareness that endeavour seemed to lack earlier.

in the next chapter, the conversation continues:

endeavour: i gave shōto everything. by age 20, i'd already climbed to the #2 position. it was because i made that climb that i understood... unless i reached the summit, it was all for nothing. if all i cared about were titles, i could've worn a smile like you... and played the part of the lovable fool. but i wanted to be the strongest! [...] all might: endeavor. the position you've been put in... i know what people are saying. a lot of people compare us. but you and i are different. the symbol i strove to be... that isn't the path for you to follow. take your time to figure out... ...the way you ought to do things. (ch 165)

again, we still see that hint of same sort of "all he cares about strength". being number one was all about being stronger than all might, which is why when he found it impossible for him, he went on to try to create something that could end up being stronger than both him and all might. that would be, after he beat it into shape.

also, the fact that he says "i gave shōto everything". (yeah, you gave the poor kid trauma if that's what you mean by "everything".) that's something some abusers routinely say about their children -- that they gave them everything, that they should be grateful.

at the end of the chapter, we see shōto warmly giving a little girl a small fire to put her hands next to when she was chilly, a smile on his face, and endeavour has a weird look as all might says:

all might: what purpose does our strength serve? endeavour... the answer is a simple one. (ch 165)

this is what sets the tone for endeavour's part of his conversation with shōto in the next chapter.

endeavour: i'm proud of you, son. on that note... i'm hoping to become a hero you can be proud of. as your father and the #1 hero... i want to be deserving of those titles. shōto: [clearly aggravated and tense] good luck with that... (ch 165)

inasa sees endeavour talking to shōto and notices how his eyes have changed from being cold and not looking at anyone around him to actually focusing on shōto. as such, the readers are basically hinted to see that endeavour has changed, even just a little, already. he's no longer just looking at all might as the summit he needs to climb; he's actually seeing the people around him.

now, this kickstarts endeavour's arc of thoughts that being a better #1 hero would mean that he would be a better father. this we especially see in the endeavour v. nomu arc.

i think the first interesting conversation we have about the endeavour's redemption arc is in chapter 187 with natsuo and fuyumi visiting rei in the hospital. natsuo says,

natsuo: about him... they made him number one yesterday. it's official. the world still doesn't know the truth about you [rei]. about our siblings... about how he's always treated his family. for one, he doesn't do the talk show circuit. i can barely remember most of it, really. thinking back, he was like a perfect stranger. but... what he did to you, to shōto, and to... [tōya/dabi] well, i can't let anyone pretend it all never happened. it's been almost ten years, and he still hasn't come to apologise to you. his past, his family... it's like he wants to leave it all behind. [...] rei: apparently he's [endeavour] come many times. though... we haven't met. i'm a bit scared though... and my doctor says it's not a good idea. of course, i can't say what he's thinking. it might be external pressures. but... he's not leaving anything behind. not his past. not his family. i know he's trying to make sense of it all. (ch 187)

he's also apparently been leaving rei flowers, flowers that she told him that were her favourite once when they met for the first time.

i actually think in this aspect, it's good that he hasn't actually seen rei or pushed himself onto seeing her. he's letting her take control of her own recovery (although, i will say it's pretty fucking telling that even after a decade, she's still scared of him). i'd argue that the flowers might be crossing the line, but it seems that rei thinks of them as a nice gesture, so i'm not going to argue about how that could be perceived negatively.

the battle between endeavour and the nomu gets serious, and endeavour nearly dies (which is broadcasted on TV for shōto to see, ofc).

in chapter 189, we see three different characters' thoughts on endeavour never giving up (some of it in particular directed towards his fight towards surpassing all might and being number one via strength alone).

natsuo: he knows better than anyone... that he'll never be the next all might! that's why he gave up so quickly... and basically went insane... abandoning the kids he didn't care for... and driving mom to the breaking point... [...] fuyumi: he never gave up. in fact, giving up is what he's worst at. [...] hawks: i was watching you this whole time. i get it. there was nobody else out there... really trying to surpass him [all might]. only you! you were the one working to surpass him. [manga showing endeavour building a small bridge over the chasm that metaphorically separates all might from the rest of the heroes] (ch 189).

i actually agree with fuyumi here more than anyone. endeavour marrying rei and creating his children wasn't because he was giving up (for one, he thinks of his children as extensions of himself...) but part of his way of trying to surpass all might. he also continued to work and get stronger himself, which he wouldn't have been doing if he had just given up.

that being said, i do agree with natsuo's description of their childhood, just not about it being because endeavour gave up.

also, from a narrative perspective, the shift of endeavour's obsession with surpassing all might being thought of as negative (from shōto's statements of it in the sports festival arc) to positive (you're the only one who actually tried!) through hawks point of view is... interesting. horikoshi is re-contextualising endeavour's obsession as a good thing, and that, in point, is done to soften endeavour's actions overall.

after all, if it's a good thing that endeavour was trying to surpass all might, then doesn't his actions against his family make a little bit more sense? doesn't that mean that he had good intentions, even if he did something bad?

(nope. not in my book.)

so, the next part of this arc happens in 192, where endeavour comes home from the hospital and after defeating the nomu with a huge scar on his face (the exact same side as shōto's!), and we get that beautifully passive aggressive "nasty scar you got there" from shōto while he's slurping up soba noodles.

and then natsuo tries to leave and this conversation starts:

endeavour: natsuo... if you got something to say, then say it. natsuo: say it...? that's rich, coming from a guy who's never even looked me in the eye. listen to this... i didn't know shōto loved soba until today. why? because you never let him play with us failed experiments. i get the feeling that mom and sis here want to forgive you, but all i see is the same maniac who, all of a sudden, is getting rave reviews. you might look like a changed man, but you're not. you abandoned us as failures, left us to hear mom's screams, shōto's cries. and big bro tōya too... you being the top hero and beating some big baddie can't erase any of that. did you decide to have a change of heart?! think we can just hug things out and make up?! it's sickening! don't you freaking get that?! endeavour: i'm trying to make amends, going forward. natsuo: is that so?! [leaves] (ch 192)

for one, god fucking bless natsuo. i think he fully encapsulates my issue with this part of the endeavour redemption arc, which is solidified by shōto's own speech:

shōto: as a hero, this endeavour guy... is pretty darn amazing. but it's like natsu said. i'm not ready to forgive you... for abusing mom. so, heroics aside, what sort of dad are you going to be? that's what i want to find out. sure, the perfect turning point can actually change someone. i know it's possible. (ch 192)

endeavour doesn't need to be a perfect hero to earn redemption from his family. hell, even when shōto hated endeavour the most, he could admit that endeavour was a great hero. maybe his reasons for being a hero was off, but he saved people, he stopped the bad guys. i think it's even canon that he's technically saved more people than all might.

the problem was never with "endeavour", it was with "todoroki enji". todoroki enji was a shit father who didn't give a shit about his kids aside from what he could use them for. he was too obsessed with defeating all might that he lost sight of his family -- which endeavour finally seems to realise after this little speech.

endeavour's thoughts: [having a flashback to all might saying "what purpose does our strength serve?"] power... a reason to dominate... when he told me that, it came to me in a flash. an ordinary, simple thought. "i have to safeguard the future for them." that's the job for whoever's on top! and yet... what about the futures i cut short? [image of rei in the midst of a mental breakdown] just demanding forgiveness isn't enough. it's too late for that. at this point, i need to atone... there's no other route. endeavour out loud: fuyumi, i'm sorry for everything. that was the wrong thing to say to natsuo. (ch 192)

we see actual growth in his character, him actually starting to learn what he should be focusing on rather than what he was focusing on. he still slips up, like with him trying to demand shōto's attention through texting with contact information that he only got because FUYUMI gave to him (ch 203), which i have my own issues with. as in, fuyumi better have asked shōto permission before giving endeavour his contact information because, if not, then holy fucking shit, that's so gross.

in the next part of the endeavour redemption arc, we have shōto in chapter 242 invite izuku and katsuki to join him with training at endeavour's hero agency.

we still see hints of endeavour only really thinking of shōto as an extension of his will and his beliefs when he asks izuku and katsuki in chapter 247 what they're working on and what they want to achieve. he starts to move in without even asking shōto, which shōto objects to in his own way.

endeavour: let's get to it -- shōto: [clears throat] and me? endeavour: you're here to master flashfire, shōto! shōto: all the quirk training you beat into me as a kid... i've put it into practise with my right side. thinking back, it's no wonder i couldn't escape my own hatred of you. then i got into u.a. competing alongside these two [izuku and katsuki]... and everyone else... really opened my eyes. endeavour... in the end... i'm going to do exactly what you always wanted. but please understand... the man i admire... is the one mom and i watched on the tv back then. [all might]. as a fledgling hero... in order to become a man worthy of the title... i came here of my own free will! you're a rotten number one*. you were just in the right place at the right time -- that's all. sorry this isn't going the way you want it to, number one. so let's stop that father-son crap in front of my friends. endeavour's thoughts: since he was willing to come here, i thought the boy's heart was open and ready to accept me... what a fool i was! i had it all wrong! endeavour out loud: right. i'll be evaluating you three as heroes. (ch 247) *the translation isn't quite accurate, but i don't have access to the original japanese right now to translate myself. i just remember that this translation isn't the best.

once again, we do see that endeavour is learning. shōto expresses his feelings and endeavour tries to move on from there in the way that shōto wants him to -- and he does ! he stops acting like he's close to shōto as a dad in front of the others and acts only like a hero training an apprentice (without the abuse that happened all throughout shōto's childhood).

i think this and what happens in the next part of this internship arc, is probably the best written bits of the endeavour redemption arc.

by that, in chapter 249, we open with this inner dialogue from endeavour:

endeavour: i'm trying to make amends... going forward. it might be too late... but i fall asleep every night thinking about... what i can do for my family. lately, it's been the same dream. the wife and kids, looking happy... at the dinner table. but i'm... never there with them. (ch 249)

this kickstarts his decision that he gives to natsuo later, but before we get there, we get this awkward todoroki family dinner with izuku and katsuki. izuku finally finds out that katsuki overheard them during the sports festival, and fuyumi and shōto talk when they think they're alone.

fuyumi: it's not like i don't share some of natsu's feelings... but... it feels like we've been given another chance now... how do you feel about dad? shōto: this burn... i think of it as something our old man gave me. [cue horrific flashback of the aftermath of rei pouring boiling water on shōto's face and immediately apologising] mom endured and endured... until she couldn't anymore. so, i can't just decide to forgive the guy who wore her down... but... mom is trying to get past all that now. honestly... i don't know... how i should feel about him. i still... haven't seen anything. [...] izuku: todoroki, i think... you're getting yourself ready to be able to forgive him. just say "i'll never forgive him" if you really hate the guy. because you're so caring yourself... it's like you're waiting... or at least that's how it seems. (ch 249)

i think each of the siblings (including tōya / dabi!) really showcases a lot of the different reactions children can have towards abuse. fuyumi is the type who fully embraces the abuser back because they want to become a family again. shōto is the type who isn't quite sure but doesn't want to just kick the abuser down if he's actually trying to change. natsuo is the type who just does not want to be around the abuser at all and doesn't think the abuser can change. tōya / dabi is the vengeful one who literally wants the abuser dead or feeling how he caused them to feel.

i also have an issue with how izuku words this to shōto -- does that mean that natsuo is not caring? should he not be upset with endeavour for all of the abuse, and, in natsuo's thoughts, for causing tōya to die? he cares too much, and that's really it, and i think endeavour (funnily enough) encapsulates my thoughts on that completely.

for context, natsuo gets kidnapped and held hostage by a villain who wants endeavour to kill him. the villain is threatening to kill natsuo if endeavour doesn't kill him. endeavour chokes on the save aside from catching katsuki and natsuo after the boys implement their plans to rescue natsuo, stop the villain, and save the civilians. then, endeavour has this to say:

endeavour: i'm sorry! in that moment... i couldn't help but think... about how if i saved you... then going forward... you might feel... like you couldn't stand up to me... natsuo, believe it or not... i was never trying... to neglect any of you. but... all i could do was blame others and dodge responsibility. with tōya too... i might as well have killed him myself. natsuo: didn't neglect us? so what...? tōya has always told me everything. it'll be a cold day in hell... before i forgive you. 'cause i'm not as caring as shōto. endeavour: even so... even so... you keep showing up for fuyumi, right? and for your mom's sake? your sister loves the idea of being a big happy family... because... that's exactly what i ruined. she wants that back... she's so eager to fix everything. and that's why you're trying. because you care about how she feels, right..? because you are caring. so... you don't have to forgive me. i'm not looking for forgiveness. just atonement. natsuo: [starts crying] wow. you got a real way with words all of a sudden! i know how happy it makes sis, having us all together! but... when i see your face... those memories come rushing back. why do i gotta be the one to come around? atonement? how're you gonna make that happen? endeavour: i have an idea, actually. (ch 252).

endeavour saying "i wasn't trying to neglect any of you" is such a fucking backslide, but he somewhat saves it with explaining why. at the same time, the explanation doesn't really matter -- he did neglect natsuo and fuyumi. however, the next bit of it, when he says that natsuo does care, and that it's okay for natsuo to never forgive him -- that was real fucking character growth, and we see it come to a beautiful place at the end of the chapter where endeavour talks with fuyumi and natsuo.

endeavour: fuyumi. i've already talked about this with shōto and natsuo. you've been doing your best to create a safe and sound household for your mother to come home to. i've let you shoulder all of that... and i stood by while you worked hard... but it's all okay now. [thoughts: it's always the same dream. my whole family's there, but not me.] because i'm building a new house for you all. one that makes sense for your commutes. and one where you can give your mother a warm welcome back. fuyumi: what about you, dad...? endeavour: [thoughts: if i really care about how they feel...] i'll remain here. (ch 252)

this is where i fucking cheered. this is where i really thought horikoshi was going to save this arc. abusers forcing their presence on the family is absolutely the wrong way to do it. endeavour trying to be the "best hero" is absolutely the wrong way to do it. endeavour stepping back, making sure that they're all comfortable, but (most likely) being there when they want to reach out on their terms in the way that they want to -- that's beautiful. that's actual growth. that's literally the best decision any abuser can make ever; leaving it in the hands of the people he abused.

in this part, in this moment, i could have accepted the endeavour redemption arc. i might not have agreed when shōto decided that he could see endeavour as a father (depending on when it would happen in canon and what would cause it), but in this regard, i could actually see redemption.

and then we get the fucking shitshow that is dabi reveal arc and the dabi backstory arc, and then i just want to throw away the whole fucking redemption arc.

in chapter 290, we get the dabi is todoroki tōya reveal (surprise, surprise /j). tōya, being the dramatic bitch that he is, washes off the probably water-soluble black dye off of his white hair and tells endeavour and shōto that he's tōya and that he's been waiting for years to take endeavour down and that he's sending out a broadcast to every TV station live detailing about endeavour's abuse of his family.

dabi: when, at long last, you could stare your kids in the eye... didja finally start to feel the warm and fuzzy bonds of family?! you must've thought, "as long as i can face the future, i can be better!" i can tell you're at a loss for words, so here's the answer! the past never dies! get it, yet?! you reap what you sow! so let's tango, you and me -- todoroki enji! a dance with your son, here in hell!! (ch 290).

in chapter 291, we continue the dabi reveal (including a 99.9% match between his DNA and endeavour's DNA as proof of their relation! hint: that's not actually fucking possible, but i'm pretty sure that's either a translation error or a wording issue) in the public eye. we get this fun little monologue from endeavour in the beginning of the chapter:

endeavour's thoughts: i thought it could be you [tōya]. you could have been the one... to reach my eternal goal. my frustration... my envy... the ugliness in my heart... you could have been the one... to smash it all to dust.

again, we get that whole "using child as an object/extension of endeavour" thing that has characterised endeavour for a long time. tōya shouldn't have been created to fix his frustration about not becoming number one himself.

regardless, endeavour stays in shock for the rest of the battle, unable to even move despite the fact that shōto managed to pull himself together in order to try to save everyone on the battlefield despite dabi trying to kill him.

we then go to chapter 300, where endeavour wakes up in his hospital room and ruminates on everything that he had done. he cries and expresses guilt, especially on how things played out with tōya when he was a child, and he declares that "i might get to live on... but endeavour died back there. my son's a mass murderer, yet... i can't fight him." (ch 300).

then, shōto, natsuo, and fuyumi enter the room while endeavour continues to cry.

endeavour: sorry... i'm... so sorry. i'm sorry... i didn't realise until now... these regrets... this guilt... it's too late to matter! my heart... it's... rei: [walking into the room] yes? what about your heart? those regrets and guilt... the rest of us have borne that burden... much more than you have. endeavour: rei?! why are you here?! rei: i'm here to talk about our family. and about our son, tōya. (ch 300).

this jumpstarts into a flashback of what caused tōya's "death", and i think in some truly horrific scenes that i think horikoshi writes in a way that we're supposed to feel some level of sympathy for endeavour. reading all of that makes me feel even -infinity sympathy for endeavour.

in chapter 301, we start the flashback into the past, where tōya wants to continue quirk training but endeavour begins to discard him, saying that it was for tōya's own good (because he burns himself when he uses too much fire). unfortunately, tōya doesn't care about his own burns, he just wants his dad's approval and wants to surpass all might himself.

endeavour, meanwhile, is still focused mostly on creating a child that would surpass all might, as we see in this conversation between endeavour and rei:

rei: no... that would be too much! it's too cruel! especially now that tōya knows what you're hoping to achieve through the children! endeavour: no matter what i say... he comes home with fresh burns every day. he inherited that pigheaded stubbornness from me! that's the only way to make him give up! since he'll never be the one to surpass... [all might] (ch 301)

(sure, that's your motivation. you say that while you literally have the same eyes as when you think about all might being better than you).

endeavour's eyes when thinking about all might being better.

endeavour's eyes when thinking of "stopping tōya" through the birth of more children.

we see that shōto is born, and that tōya doesn't stop training on his own, which causes endeavour to snap at tōya:

endeavour: no! why won't you stop?! you're covered in burns... and you still don't get it?! why?! tōya! you have to... look beyond all this. play with natsuo and fuyumi! make some friends at school! there's a whole other world besides the hero stuff... i know you understand that! take my advice, and this'll all be a distant memory soon. tōya: the kids at school all say they wanna be heroes. i can't understand that. because i've got you as a father. you lit this fire in me, dad, and it's not going out! i can't just pretend it's not there! [uses his fire] look at me, endeavour! look... at me!! [goes to attack baby!shōto] (ch 301)

all tōya wanted was not to be discarded, and he could see just as well as anyone that endeavour didn't seem to care about the others as much -- that's why tōya went for shōto, not for any of the other siblings.

endeavour had no real idea how to talk to tōya, or even knew how to reach out and get some help, and that was probably (mainly) because what he was doing with rei and creating his children was illegal, as we hear from a doctor earlier.

and before anyone blames tōya, he's young ass kid who knows he's being discarded by his father, and he wants attention. just any sort of attention. yes, he's going to lash out. yes, he's going to keep on doing what originally got him his father's attention (aka training). yes, he's going to try to attack endeavour's "perfect child" for "taking his place". i don't blame tōya for that -- i blame endeavour.

rei: [in the present] you don't get to claim you're hurting more than anyone. and you're not the only one who didn't really see him. (ch 301)

this next chapter, the next part of the flashback, chapter 302, is particularly rough, and it's in part with what's hinted in rei's last part of this comment. (i agree with the first part! endeavour doesn't get to claim that he's hurting more than anyone else. it's the second in context with chapter 302).

we return back to the flashback where endeavour is talking to rei about separating shōto from the rest of his siblings.

endeavour: i'm too busy with work to look after him [shōto] 24-y... which is why i've hired help. but you -- don't you take your eyes off of tōya. rei: he just wants you to look at him. to notice him. that's all. endeavour: all i can show anyone... is the world of heroes. rei: heroes? aren't you just running away? (ch 302)

interestingly enough, endeavour's face in this conversation is covered by shadows. all we really see are the whites of his eyes and the side of his face where sweatdrops of stress are running down. rei's face, too, is practically covered aside from a close-up on her stressed eye. a lot of rei's downward spiral focuses on rei's eyes over anything, so i think this is where we kind of see -- well, not the start of that (we do see that focus in ch 301), but the continuation of her stress that leads eventually to her mental breakdown.

then, we continue on (with an interesting conversation between tōya and rei, but we're focusing on endeavour unfortunately, so alas) with tōya talking to endeavour.

tōya: listen, dad. next time you get a day off... you gotta come up to sekoto peak with me. endeavour: [grabs tōya's shirt violently and lifts it up. his thoughts: new burns! where he can keep them hidden! he's been training that way on purpose!] damn it! again?! tōya: no, wait! what i can do now is really cool! you gotta come see! i might be as awesome as shōto sooner or later! maybe i'll be even better than all might someday! then you've gotta give me some respect, dad! you'll be glad you created me! i just know it! (ch 302)

the next scene is a very clear domestic abuse scene (even if it cuts away from the actual hitting).

endeavour: why didn't you stop him?! huh, rei?! damn it, that's all i asked you to do!! shōto: [crying and stepping in front of rei, trying to defend her] don't bully mommy! stop it! don't be mean to her! endeavour: get out, shōto! it's none of your business! natsuo & fuyumi: [cowering, crying, and covering their ears] rei: i... can't stop him. (ch 302).

skip the next scan if the narrative hint of domestic abuse happening might upset you.

now, i'm putting in the scan to showcase that we essentially get to explicitly see this all go down. endeavour is a shadowy figure in the bedroom, we see nothing of rei's face except for her eye (crying, and again, that same focus where we see her slow descent into her mental break), and we see all of the children cry except for tōya because he's out training on his own again.

the fact that endeavour decides to berate, and most likely hit, rei instead of going after his son -- well, he'd come to regret it later when tōya supposedly dies because "all he [endeavour] taught me... was how to turn up the heat." (ch 302). tōya burns himself to death because endeavour decided that because his quirk wasn't good enough to beat all might that he rather not train him at all anymore. that -- ugh.

and then we get out of the flashback and back into the hospital room in some of the most abhorrent lines of the present moments of this arc.

endeavour: if only i'd given it all up that day... but having killed tōya... i felt there was no turning back, so i poured all my energy into shōto... at the expense of everything else. rei: once tōya was gone, you grew worse and worse, until i couldn't stand the sight of you. it got so bad, i even started seeing hints of you in the children's faces. fuyumi: i knew our family was broken, but i was too scared to interfere. all i could do was try to fix things just to keep up appearances. natsuo: it was you who started all of this. you're the root cause, but... maybe, if i'd just slugged you in the face and made you have a few serious talks with him... "dabi" never would've come about, and i would've been enjoying some good soba with shōto all these years. rei: you're not the only one who's responsible, and now we all have to take responsibility for what comes next. (ch 302).

ignoring the next part for now, holy fucking shit. horikoshi makes the decision to spread the blame of tōya's death to the rest of the todoroki family, never mind that rei was also abused by endeavour and that fuyumi and natsuo were twelve and eight respectively.

endeavour showed no signs of listening to ANYONE. rei told him flat out that he just needed to give tōya attention, and he didn't listen. the fact that fuyumi felt burdened on trying to keep up appearances and felt like she didn't try to fix things at the age of twelve -- horrific. the fact that natsuo blames himself for not trying to talk some sense into endeavour at the age of eight -- horrific.

this is the moment where i threw the endeavour redemption arc into the garbage -- the rest of the family taking blame onto themselves that they shouldn't blame just so that endeavour can just right back up and be a hero.

endeavour was not going to change, not for anyone. hell, even with tōya's death, and endeavour admits it himself, it made him even more stubborn in his ways because one of his extensions of his will sacrificed himself, so he best make sure that shōto becomes the best extension of his will he can be.

this is genuinely so disgusting that i can't even put into words just how terrible this is. the fact that horikoshi made this decision -- i lost all respect for horikoshi as an author and in the endeavour redemption arc.

this chapter ends with shōto being proclaimed as the family hero and that endeavour needs to come back as a hero and fight dabi and by this point, i already hate everything, so throw the bitch out.

i think if the endeavour redemption arc had stopped in chapter 252, i think it would have been great. i think if they had played off the dabi reveal in any other way, without the family blaming themselves to partially absolve endeavour of his guilt, i think it could have been fine. but the way that this played out, the way that the victims are blaming themselves in part to make the abuser feel better -- no. just, fucking no.

is that a thing that happens in real life? do abuse victims internalise the abuse and then think that the abuser was just trying to do their best? oh yeah. however, with how the rest of the arc seems to be going with endeavour (endeavour showing up in the newest chapter still going around as a hero -- the number one hero, even), horikoshi is condoning that instead of writing it as unhealthy as it should be written.

thus, nope. throw the whole fucking thing away. no thank you.

#⤷ shouto t.【 ❝ heroes also have times when they cry. ❞ 】metas.#this is a 5.9k meta #this is longer than some of my college essays #it's also a lot messier than a lot of my college essays #i don't go that deep deep into analysis and word choice like i normally would #but i think y'all can get my points #tl;dr: fuck horikoshi and fuck endeavour ty very much #mentions of child abuse //#mentions of domestic abuse //#mentions of suicide //#mentions of murder //

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moonstones-and-stardust · 3 years

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Hello all, I thought that this was an important topic to cover. Red flags are something that we all hear about. However, I don't think that it's something that is often explain. It's either something deliberately sought out or something that someone learns the hard way. Communication is a beneficial tactic and people standing up for themselves is often a core concept of feminism. Even if it's just making sure that someone is treating you properly.

While the statement seems redundant, this is something that can happen to anyone in any form of relationship. Perhaps the topic could spread some light on relationships with another person.

1. Moving too fast

After being in a relationship with someone for just a short period of time. Moving too fast is when they will attempt to pressure the other party into doing something before they are ready. Examples include having sex or moving in together. If someone is pressuring another person into a sexual encounter be aware that they don't fully care about consent. Nothing less than enthusiastic consent is okay. If the person manages this then be aware they will step on other boundaries or keep pressuring for sex.

In the concept of moving in together, it is often to put the other in a position where they are either contractually obligated to stay or in a position where the other might have power over them. If someone is pressuring for another to move in before they are ready, it's good to be wary of that individual and say that the pressure is not okay. If the reaction is poor then their intent often is as well.

2. Stepping on boundaries

If someone is willing to ignore boundaries it'll come up quickly in any kind of relationship. It's also the easiest for people to ignore. Oftentimes society teaches that someone putting up boundaries is something to push to change. We all have our own comfort zones and when they are too be crossed is entirely up to the person and what they want to do.

Someone making continuing comments about how someone else lives their life when it in no way hurts or affects them is not alright. Especially when asked to stop. When this is ignored it is creating a clear feeling of 'my words are more important than your feelings, so shut up and take it.'

Partners, friends, and parents overstepping boundaries is a huge issue. It's a basic idea of autonomy and respect. Might I add that this is especially important for parents. The idea of 'my house, my rules' comes to mind. While yes, it's reasonable to expect someone to help around the house. That doesn't give another person the right to invade their privacy. This is saying that parents do not see children as independent or able to think in any way. And that loss of control can be extremely damaging to egos that are frail. The same goes for friendships or partnerships. If people cannot accept their faults, then there is room for improvement.

3. Attempts at isolation

Isolation can be an extremely dangerous and scary thing once someone successfully puts this into motion. There are a lot of different ways that this can be put into use.

The easiest to understand is physical isolation. Pushing for someone to be alone with another when they aren't comfortable. Such as only hanging out one on one. Sure, this might be easy for someone who has social shyness, however, it becomes an issue when the other feels obligated to spend all their time with that one person. Even forgoing time with other friends and family to be there for one reason or another.

Emotional isolation, often used in cases where someone tells another they have suicidal thoughts or depression to manipulate them into staying. These are real issues and should be taken seriously. That does not give another person the right to emotionally isolate another for their own personal therapist. Some people even use this type of manipulation to pressure someone to be in a romantic relationship with others who are not interested. They feel as though this is all on them to keep that person alive. When in truth they should be seeking some form of professional help.

4. Secrecy/Forgoing safety

The title says a lot here. Secrecy in a relationship is understandable in some situations. Should the persons involved be in some kind of danger to their safety or livelihoods. This does not apply when two people have been in an ongoing relationship and a partner has been refusing to make it public in any form. This continues to grow in ease in the modern day with technology. Be aware, if someone is dating more than one person at a time without the other knowing. It is not the fault of the other person they are dating. It is solely the responsibility of the person that is cheating and those who take steps to deceive unaware parties.

Forgoing safety relates to sexual activities. There's nothing wrong with sex, it can be enjoyable and liberating for people involved. Doing so safely is greatly important. A partner who doesn't want to take all safety measures involved is thinking more of their pleasure than future outcomes.

Testing for Sti's. This is extremely important for young couples before they have unprotected sex. One person refusing to get tested might be a sign that they're hiding something important. If you're sexually active get checked frequently if you have multiple partners. Being healthy is more important than a night of pleasure.

5. 'Negging'

Negging is a lesser spoken about the concept. Or something that hasn't been frequently spoken about in previous years. Negging essentially boils down to a backhanded or slightly off comment to a potential partner. Someone's tone is often a big factor here and if addressed may easily be brushed off as someone being overly sensitive. If someone doesn't have the best self-esteem in the world little things like this can really build up.

Some examples include

'wow, you must be really brave to wear your hair THAT way'

'I'm surprised you can pull that look off'

'That's not something I would do, but on you, it works.'

'You're really brave to smile when your teeth look like that.'

Oftentimes these people pick up on what others might be insecure about, something that isn't conventionally attractive, and use a comment like this to try and ingratiate themselves while knocking down the other person's self-esteem.

6. Not like 'others'/comparing to others

This concept is vice versa. The topic of someone claiming to another that they're 'not like the others'. Is meant to make this person feel as though they are special. Which someone can get swept up with when they think someone thinks that they are special in a certain type of way. What's important here is to think about the concept. Why are they saying you're 'not like the others' and what situation is it applying to? 'not like the other girls.' is frequently used. If a woman is told she's not like other girls, it might not occur to wonder what's wrong with other women?

The truth is that there is nothing wrong with other women in this concept.

On the other hand, if someone is comparing two people, especially in a relationship it's important to think about why. While two people may have similarities they aren't the same person. People should treat everyone as an individual and not use others as a comparison. People are not one and the same and it's important to take individuality for what it is.

7. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of abuse that can make a person feel as if they're going insane. The reason it is on this list is that it's something that can easily be done to another person. In any situation, though it is usually spoken conversations over a period of time in which this tactic is used.

Usually, it starts with someone saying that they never said something to you, when they most definitely did. If they do this enough then it can start to build doubt in the mind of another person. If this is done enough they start to doubt their own mental security and their memory.

Another form of this abuse is people moving things when another isn't looking. It might start out with just moving car keys to a different hook, moving someone's purse or clothing to the left, or placing them in a different drawer. Sometimes even straight up hiding them and when the person leaves putting them back as though they were there the entire time. If you suspect someone is doing this then take notes on what happens. And don't doubt yourself. It might be hard but that's the most important thing to breaking the cycle.

8. Refusing to talk about the future

This is something that is important mainly for couples. If there are ideals that people may disagree on it is important to address them early in a relationship that appears to be taking a serious turn. It is perfectly reasonable for someone to request some time to think about a topic. However, continually ignoring something crucial is a lack of communication. If someone is not willing to at least attempt communication on this level then one needs to think about how this will affect the relationship in the future.

Disclaimer

These are all things I've written down from one personal experience or another. I am not an expert but still think it's important to talk about, as someone doesn't have to be an expert to recognize abuse. If you'd like to add things on, ask questions, or ask me to write more in the future please go ahead.

#red flags #boundaries #discussion #abuse #abuse tw

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harketspetter · 3 years

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The photo that saved my day.

Trigger Warning : Mentions of Trauma, Suicide, Grief and Pandemic.

I found this picture on Tumblr today. And around that time, I was feeling extremely low and heavy. And even suicidal.

The second wave has been affecting us so badly, several people have died due to exhaustion of health care services. People were pleading for availability of hospital beds, food , medicine, doctors and even oxygen cylinders. Hearing all of this, in the social media posts and other news outlets - broke my heart.

Things became even more worse, after I found out that three of my relatives have passed away due to lack of health care interventions. I wasn't really close to any of them, but by witnessing the grief of my family members - my heart sunk further to see how almost several families have processed the death of their loved ones. I was trying to finish my Viva presentation and I can hear my family members crying on the phone helplessly trying to empathise with each others.

I was looking at other countries and I looked at mine. And my disappointment towards everything intensified. While there are bodies burnt on the sidewalks in my country's capital. Meanwhile, in the other countries- I saw people cheering and hugging each other, relieved that the virus was gone. I really wanted to leave because my heart never belonged to this world anyway. And I felt like I would be better off not suffering from further anxiety, dissatisfaction and pain of leading a life in a dystopian environment.

As usual, I was scrolling through Tumblr and I found the picture of Morten and his friend/fan. It felt very unnatural and unusual for me to set my eyes on them. I never felt jealous because it has been years since I've overcome that and my adoration towards him overtook all the negative feelings. It felt sweet, watching him being affectionate and adorable around people. His eyelids were closed. He was looking down and smiling - or probably giggling. It was unusual for me to watch this, because I haven't felt that emotion for several months.

I stared at that picture again and I cried. For two reasons.

I wish I was next to him. And I knew that was a lost cause.

I wish I had the privilege of that joy. To be next to a person I'm comfortable with.

I also wondered, why such forms of affection and happiness - would be a privelege?

Why is it so easy to acknowledge negativity and hatred than positivity and beauty? Are we so filled with guilt of even doing that?

Why is it a privelege? To be safe and happy?

Why is hatred and violence so much prominent than love?

It never thought a photo would make everything so existential.

I cried. Processing my emotions instead of fighting it. Because I felt a certain someone knew exactly how I felt about everything. An inner voice (which was in the form of Morten) said " I can feel your pain. I'm deeply sorry about everything"

I cried further, acknowledging it.

It took me around 20 minutes to fully understand my emotions and painfully endure it - while at the same time, I imagined a pair of arms around me, and a whisper on the ear saying that he will always be here to share my pain.

I then looked at the picture again and I imagined that woman was me.

I felt my heart shivering with embarrassment. I blushed as I felt goosebumps around my skin.

As I dwelt into the picture - I saw Morten looking at me. We just stared at each other and smiled. My smile faded away a little bit, because I was worried that all of this would be temporary and i may have to go back to my dystopian environment. And yet again, Morten sensed my thoughts.

It was 1:45 AM and I was listening to "Hunting High and Low" on Spotify

"I want to stay here, with you" I whispered as a tear escaped from my right eye.

" you never left this place. You always belonged here" he replied

" really?"

"yes. For real. Because you are always in my heart and I am...in yours" he whispered.

"I love you" I blurted out

"i love you too" he smiled and replied back.

We both cuddled as we watched the fjords. There was still a slight worry on my face. And I realised I was preoccupied with potential problems in the future instead of being in the moment and being mindful.

I later remembered when Morten had stated in the interview that he really likes unplanned days and being in the moment. And it meant so much to yme...it's not only because he said it, but rather i strongly relate with his statement.

I took a deep breath and let it out... and allowed my imagination to sink in. I remembered to recognise the senses around me.

The grounding technique.

5: Acknowledge FIVE things you see around you. - Morten, Morten's sweater, the fjord, the midnight sun, the boat

4: Acknowledge FOUR things you can touch around you. - also Morten's Arms (and skin), my shoes, my clothes, Morten's shawl, the wooden seat of the boat

3: Acknowledge THREE things you hear. - Morten's humming voice, the seagulls, the water, the engine of the boat, the breeze

2: Acknowledge TWO things you can smell. - Morten's perfume, my perfume, the moisture of the water, it's nothing much apart from that

1: Acknowledge ONE thing you can taste. - i remember eating chocolate a few hours ago so I imagined myself eating one and mindfully tasting the chocolate in my mouth.

"do you love being in the moment?" He asked

"yes" I replied.

It was at this moment, I felt complete.

#aha #1980s #mortenharket #synthpop #newwave #magnefuruholmen #1980smusic #norway #mortenmonday #norwegians

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nightwingshero · 4 years

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OC Themes

So, thank you @xbaebsae for letting me just vomit this information in our chat, you’re a saint and a trooper! I’m so sorry lol

But I have come to the conclusion due to too much caffeine that each of my OCs actually symbolize different highly opinionated statements that are actually important to me. So, some major spoilers for their canon, but I think it’s totally worth it for the message they convey. Long post that literally no one asked for!

Note: I am very proud of all of this. If you don’t agree, fine. But for those who love my OCs (thank you so much for your support!), here’s the deeper meaning to who they are, what they represent, and the values I have and stand for.

Wren Blake

Wren’s canon (or arc) is all about her coming to terms with trauma, suffering and dealing with miscarriage, depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety. Things people don’t talk enough about and show support for, and it gets left unsaid. She’s a character that is desperate for a support system she never had and she represents the effects of the lack of it. She is, also, a great representation that (yes Eden’s Gate and the Seeds are EVIL) every side has a story, and that you will always be a hero or villain in someone’s story. So, you live for you and who you are. Not for what other people want for you or who they want you to be. It shows the struggle of someone who is empathetic to a fault, someone who struggles with loving themselves and feeling as if they are never enough because of how their parents raised them, and I know that that’s an issue a lot of us have experienced. Yes, she is technically meant to be a “bad guy”, but that’s not the point. The point is that she’s human and flawed, and still a good person that learns to be true to herself despite all of it. Insert line from Wreck-It-Ralf: Just because I’m a bad guy, doesn’t make me a bad guy person.

Rowan Palmer

The walking example that positivity is NOT a personality trait, it’s a skill set, and it is HARD. You choose to be positive and it’s a challenge for everyone. You can’t control some of the things that happen to you, but you damn well can control how you react to it and what you do with it. But the biggest thing? BLOOD DOESN’T MAKE YOU FAMILY! This took me YEARS to understand and learn, guys. And I will say it louder for the people in the back: BLOOD. DOESN’T. MAKE. YOU. FAMILY. Too often have I had to deal with bullying, toxicity, and just pure negativity because “they’re your family, it’s what you’re supposed to do”. Fuck NO! Blood is no excuse! You can CHOOSE your family, and Rowan’s story is about her learning that cutting toxic family members from your life is a GOOD thing! You deserve people that appreciate and love you!! Blood doesn’t excuse the way you’re treated, and don’t you ever let it! There are people that value you, that love and support you, for who you are. Those are your people, THAT’S your family.

Jane Williams

Can we just not with toxic masculinity and let women be fucking powerful human beings without prejudice? Without some fucking stereotype? Let them be creative, let them be fucking smart, and have some bassassness and let them LOVE! There’s a reason for the Viking hair, my dudes. And Jane (along with Wren) are MAJOR favorites of mine because of this post. Jane is well rounded, she has a past and she has emotions! She’s also a sarcastic asshole that people love! You can be badass and soft. You can be a hardass and love to create. YOU CAN BE DEEP! You can be all these things and not fall into a category people try to force you into. You don’t need that shit, fuck it! You can be beautiful, no matter what you believe in or what you do. No matter what you value. You are valid in who you are, stay true to it. Fuck labels, you don’t need them. We love you.

Randy Miller

Again, can we just say FUCK TOXIC MASCULINITY?! Having a strong male character that HAS A SOFT CARING SIDE! Randy has feelings, he’s not afraid to be sensitive, and that’s such a beautiful thing. How dare people put expectations on any gender because of the gender? The audacity! Also, PLATONIC MALE/FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS THAT ARE HEALTHY AND SUPPORTIVE! We don’t get this enough, honestly. One of my best friends is a guy, and I can’t tell you how many times we’ve been mistaken as a couple. All because of an unspoken expectation that women can’t be friends with men without something going on. Well, I’m done with it. It’s so important to have positive and supportive relationships, gender has nothing to do with it.

Whitney Seed

This...this is a big one. For those who actively follow me, you know that Whitney is a challenge for me to write, and you’re going to learn the biggest reason why. Whitney’s arc? Her relationship doesn’t end good, guys. Nope. She loses her faith and trust in Joseph, they become estranged after one of their children dies. Her arc ends with her stepping away from the Mother role and killing Ethan. And yes there’s a reason. I grew up in rural America, and I’m telling you, Hope County is super accurate in its representation. I know what it’s like to grow up in a religious, conservative family. Thankfully, Whitney and I turned out very differently. Nancy (in my opinion) is a white, privileged middle-aged (or older) woman that probably grew up religious. Whitney grew up with that. With a woman that was probably conservative and taught her values. Told her what her place and role was. So Whitney is placed into a role by Nancy and Joseph, because that’s what she was always told her purpose was. That was her place. Whitney is a stereotypical “southern belle”, from the way she talks to her baking and being The Mother. Her character is sexism personified, showing the roles that women are forced into due to toxic masculinity. She was raised and taught that that’s okay, that you respect your husband and God is law. Her character development and conflict is more after Wren’s canon and into New Dawn. She overcomes the expectations that were wrongly placed on her, and she sees the wrongness of it. She grows from it and becomes her own person.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, are my OCs’ true core. Sorry for the ramble. But I’m proud of this. And each OC IS a piece of myself and my values. Thanks for listening to it.

#deputy wren blake #rowan palmer #jane williams #randy miller #whitney seed #deep thinking #extremely opinionated #don't hate #personal

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suffering-is-my-comfort-zone · 5 years

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Prompt for @smallballofanxiety: Virgil teleports to anyone who gets anxious and this time it happens to be someone he never expected

Pairing: Platonic Virgil and Deceit

Word count: 1694

Warnings: Sympathetic Deceit, Panic attacks, Self deprecating thoughts, slight suicidal thoughts

Virgil wasn’t quite sure when it started, he knew that whenever Thomas was experiencing anxiety he would show up. He had always just assumed it was because he was the embodiment of anxiety. Slowly, however, he noticed it was whenever someone was anxious. First it was slow, he had a feeling that he was being summoned to whichever side was experiencing it. Soon it escalated to him suddenly being teleported to their side.

Whenever Roman was anxious about Thomas’ new audition, whenever Logan was stressed out about the schedule, or when Patton was becoming overwhelmed by emotions there he was. Out of nowhere he was right next to the side where ever they are. This put him in some compromising situations at times, especially when they would blame him for the anxiety they were feeling. After a while of mysteriously popping up, the light sides became used to it. They no longer jumped when he appeared but instead talked to him about it. It made Virgil feel more like one of the light sides. He never expected to pop up next to one of the dark sides.

That particular day Deceit had just gone back to his room after attempting to get the light sides to see his point of view. He couldn’t figure out what else to do to get them to see that he was also trying to protect Thomas. They all saw him as nothing more than a liar, a snake who was always poised to bite. It wasn’t his fault that he was created specifically to deceive Thomas and those around him. He was able to tell the truth; he just had a hard time with it. Anxi-Virgil, should know better than anyone what that’s like.

How was it that he was able to escape being a dark side? Why were they called the dark sides anyways? They all served the same purpose, helping Thomas. Deceit couldn’t understand why Virgil would act that way towards him, they used to be so close. Did he simply forget about all that? Did the light sides trick him into thinking that Remus and him were so much worse than the three of them? Would he ever be able to work along side them? Yes, he was a little overpowering with his lies but he didn’t mean any harm. Neither did Remus. Did he do something wrong? Was his lies the reason Virgil left him? Was he giving too much of his time to Remus? Virgil had to understand that Remus needed more attention because he did dangerous things, right?

Virgil was in the middle of talking to Roman about Nightmare before Christmas when he suddenly was back in the dark side of Thomas’ mind. For a moment he froze in fear, thinking that maybe he did something to be forced from the light sides. Then he noticed Deceit in the corner, curled up with his knees to his chest. He hesitantly took a step forward and cleared his throat in hopes to gain the others attention.

“H-Hey Dee, is everything alright there?” Virgil crouched down by his once good friend. He could see the tears streaming down his face as Deceit quickly sat up and wiped his eyes.

“Of course not, why are you here?” Deceit’s voice cracked as he lied to the anxious trait. He didn’t want anyone seeing him cry. He had a reputation to uphold.

“You sure about that? You seem upset.” Virgil wasn’t sure how to react, he could see through Deceit’s lies. One of the perks of knowing him for so long. He didn’t want to associate with the dark side for longer than he needed to, but he also knew that even if he left, he’d be teleported right back. When Deceit looked up at him, he saw everything he needed to know. Deceit’s eyes showed all his fear and anxiety even as he stood up.

“Shouldn’t you not be with your new friends? Planning all the ways to keep us around.” The lies didn’t flow as easily as he wanted them to. He still was lost in his thoughts. Why was Virgil here? To rub his betrayal in his face again? Make fun of him for failing at his attempts?

“I uh-had a feeling that something was wrong. I can sense anxiety, it is kinda my thing.” Virgil ran his hand through his hair. He didn’t want to deal with any of this, why would Deceit be anxious about anything. He was cocky about everything he did. Even when they hung out he was always so confident. It was one of the things Virgil admired about him.

“I’m not anxious!” Deceit yelled out accidentally causing Virgil to flinch. He looked down at the ground, of course Virgil left them. They were always too loud, too energetic, too overwhelming. Deceit started to hyperventilate as he thought about more reasons why Virgil left. He assumed that Virgil had already left when he yelled as the anxious boy hadn’t said anything. Everything was messed up because of him, he couldn’t do anything right, he couldn’t even keep his small family together.

Virgil watched as tears started flowing down Deceit’s face again. He hesitated for a moment before pulling the older side into a hug, shocking both of them. Deceit tried to pull away from the hug but Virgil just tightened his hold.

“Shhhh, breathe. Just breathe. Match your breaths with mine.” Virgil led him over to the bed and sat him down. Deceit was starting to have a panic attack and Virgil needed to calm him down now before it got out of control. He put Deceits hand against his own chest to have him feel the anxious traits breathing. By now Deceit was full on sobbing when he realized that Virgil hadn’t left his side.

“Why are you still here? Shouldn’t you be with your friends instead of being here with me?” He couldn’t bring himself to lie about his current feelings with everything going on in his head. After the way Virgil treated him in front of the others it didn’t make sense for him to stay. Virgil shook his head and rubbed Deceit’s back with his free hand.

“I can’t leave you like this. I’m not gonna let you spiral into a panic attack; I know how fun those are.” Virgil tried to crack a joke to make the other side laugh. His attempt was unsuccessful but he did get a small smile in return. Deceit’s breathing was starting to return to normal but he was still crying.

“I can’t imagine how those are any fun at all. Maybe for Remus.” Deceit looked over at Virgil looking for any sign of a lie. All he could see on the anxious trait face was true concern. “Why are you so concerned? Aren’t you supposed to hate me?”

Virgil’s face dropped at Deceit’s words; he didn’t realize that he had hurt Deceit’s feelings so badly. “Dee, I never hated you. I just don’t want the others to hate me again. You’re still my friend, I still care about you.”

“Isn’t this supposed to be the other way around V? I’m supposed to comfort you when you panic, not the other way around.” Deceit chuckled slightly, hiccuping halfway through his statement. It was very reminiscent of the times before Virgil left, only with the roles reversed. Virgil rolled his eyes and gave Deceit a rare smile.

“Part of growing up means I don’t need to rely on you all the time. What’s caused you to panic so badly? Aren’t you always confident?” Deceit’s face fell slightly, he didn’t want to admit his fear to Virgil. He wanted Virgil to still look up to him, especially when the anxious trait called him confident. He pulled away from Virgil slightly and put his hand behind his neck.

“Its stupid really. Nothing you need to be concerned about. You should head back to the others before they realize you’re gone.” Deceit was trying to force Virgil to leave, trying to lie like he’s supposed to be. Virgil simply shook his head; he knew that Roman had assumed he was transported to another side. No one questioned his random disappearances anymore.

“Talk to me Dee, I’m here for you.” Deceit looked at him warily, deciding whether he could trust Virgil. He never questioned the anxious trait before but what if he’s changed after hanging out with the light sides. He wanted to trust Virgil, like how Virgil always trusted him. After deliberating for a few seconds, he sighed.

“I’m just- It’s just- Ugh.” He took off his hat and played with the rim. “I’m not insecure about my position in Thomas’ mind. I’m not thinking that Thomas would be better if I didn’t exist. I’m not wondering if I’ll ever be accepted as a legitimate side. I should just duck out and not come back.” Virgil stared at Deceit in shock. Dee thought that he wasn’t worth enough to be an actual side. Virgil knew how that felt, that’s why he tried to duck out before.

“Dee, you’re very important to Thomas. Without you he wouldn’t be able to ignore all the negative comments that he gets. Ducking out isn’t the answer, what would Remus and I do without you? You help all of us, without you Remus would be too prominent in Thomas’ mind and I would be too much of a nuisance to him. Don’t you dare talk about ducking out.” Virgil grabbed Deceit’s shoulders as he talked. The anxious trait looked Deceit in his eyes and frowned. “You’re my friend Deceit, I can’t imagine you not being here. I care about you and I’m sorry if I made you feel like you weren’t. I promise I’ll make more time for you, just don’t duck out, please.”

Deceit’s eyes teared up again, Virgil’s eyes showed nothing but the truth. The anxious trait generally cared about him; the reason why didn’t matter. He was just happy to hear it. Virgil pulled him in for another hug and Deceit thought that maybe, just maybe, things weren’t as bad as he thought they were.

#tw panic attack #tw suicidal thoughts #tw self deprecation #virgil sanders #deceit sanders #sympathetic deceit #sanders sides #my writing

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skullsgonehelterskullter · 4 years

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The Onceler’s Real Reasons For Chopping Down the Trees!

The Onceler’s Real Motivation for Cutting Down the Trees!

Hello. My name is Triniti and I speak for the Onceler. Before we get started today, I’d like to teach you a few terms that I’ll be using in this essay.

Most of you have probably heard of emotional abuse before. It’s something I’ve suffered through and something the Onceler has suffered through. Emotional Abuse is any abusive behavior that isn’t physical, which may include verbal aggression, intimidation, manipulation, and humiliation, which most often unfolds as a pattern of behavior over time that aims to diminish another person’s sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth, and which often results in anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts or behaviors, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Well, that’s quite a lot to take in, isn’t it? So let me tell you a few things that emotional abuse can present itself as: Intimidation, Manipulation, Refusal to ever be pleased, Shaming, Name-calling, Insults, Sarcasm, Silent treatment, Trivializing, Sabotage, Gaslighting, Scapegoating, Blame-shifting, Ranking and comparing, Unpredictable inconsistency, Threatening harm, and that’s not at all, but that’s not all this essay is about and I’m probably boring you.

One last term we should cover is gaslighting. This is an important one as I use it in this essay quite a bit. Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. They tell blatant lies; they deny they ever said something; even though you have proof; they use what is near and dear to you as ammunition; they throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you.

So, why was all of that important? You’re just here for more Onceler content, right? Well, all of this has happened to our dear Oncie. My thesis? Emotional abuse was a bigger motivator for the Onceler than corporate greed.

The Onceler’s Family Life.

So, where could the emotional abuse in the Onceler’s life have come from? Simple answer, his family. When we first meet them it sounds like his mom is trying to be supportive and then she laughs his dreams off. “Yes, but just remember, Onesie, if some-how your invention ends up a failure instead of a success, oh it wouldn’t surprise me at all!” After she says this, the rest of the family joins in the laughing. A few things can be drawn from this conclusion.

One, she seems to do this quite often throughout the film and probably his past. This can take a heavy toll on his mental health as I’ll explain later.

Two, she seems to be the ring leader of the abuse because the others never join in unless she starts it. It’s better to make fun of someone else than to be ridiculed yourself right? It’s a come self-defense mechanism. Three, the other people in the family probably suffer to some of the same extent of abuse she places on him. Hence why they jump on the chance for the Onceler to be the victim.

From the line, “Nice wheels! *Punch* Burn!” we can learn that he’s probably been subjected to physical abuse too as he flinches before and after he’s punched. He lunches a lot around his family and they hit him quite a few times in this film. This can pair with the emotional abuse and cause him to be overly cautious around other people.

Another thing I’d like to point out is his weight. Obviously there’s nothing wrong with him. But have you seen his family? Why is he so skinny compared to them? Do they feed him enough? Not supplying basic needs is a form of abuse too. This one can’t be confirmed but it is something I noticed.

“Ha..ha.. Yea, Burn! But you’ll see, okay? I’m going to prove you all wrong!” Right after this line, the old Onceler says he had a completely irrational sense of optimism. Why? Because a lot of his drive came from trying to prove himself worthy and to make his family proud. Yes, he did want to change the world for the better, but when he has these negative feelings surrounding him, he’s going to do nothing but drown in his fear of being the failure his family has always told him he was. When you’ve been emotionally abused you always tend to look at the negative side first because that’s all you’ve ever been told. (You can see a little bit of this in the demo song The Onceler’s Travelling Madness.)

Another, smaller, instance is when he makes his first thneed. He says, “Now there’s a thneed! Nothing unmanly about knitting. No, sir.” Why would he say this unless his family had repeatedly drilled that into his head in order to discourage him from pursuing his dreams?

One more small one is when the Lorax first appears and asks why the Onceler didn’t notie the thunder and lightning. People who live in abusive households get used to chaos very quickly and tend to overlook big and small traumitic events. It’s very possible he didn’t even realize loud noises were going on because he’s so used to them happening around him all the time.

The next bigger point is when he finally makes it big. The first person he calls is his mother. He’s feeling really great about himself because they were wrong! He can amount to something and he can be a success! “Mom? Hey, it’s me! I told you I was going to be a success! You need to bring the whole family here right now. We’re going to be rich!” The only reason his family comes to his aid is because of the money he promises them. We know this because they leave the moment he stops making money. I’ll touch more on this later.

When they arrive in the forest, she runs out of the van singing his praises. “There’s my suddenly successful son! We always knew you’d be a success!” She then uses a hug and kisses to praise him and give him affection, which if you remember is a sign of gaslighting. She’s using affection to ‘prove’ that she loves him.

“But you always said I wouldn’t amount ot anything, remember?” -Onceler. Here you can see that he is desperately trying to get his mother to remember just how badly she treated him. You can hear the hurt in the inflection of his voice. ‘Don’t you remember how you hurt me?’

“Oh, you hush your mouth. I was just trying to motivate you.”-Mother. She’s gaslighting him here. ‘What? No, I never did that. You’re crazy. I loved you this whole time!’

“I’m really glad that you clarified that because it actually hurt my feelings for a really long time.”-Onceler. She never acknowledges this and lets him continue the conversation. He doesn’t get an apology or closure until the end. After he finishes, you can see him flinch when she starts yelling at the other two to set up the RV.

Yelling is also a sign of emotional abuse. It scares and intimidates people into submission. You know that whole joke about if you shout loud enough at a grizzly you can assert your dominance and it will leave you alone? Same thing with yelling and emotional abuse. You can get anyone to do anything if you make them feel inferior enough. Hence the Onceler and his Mother.

The Onceler vs The Lorax.

Let’s take a break from that so you can absorb it. Take some breaths and think about it for a moment.

So, who is the Onceler exactly? Well we know he wants to do something incredible and change the world for the better. “Bout to make a thneed, bout to change the world.” He likes music and is really good at playing the guitar. He likes to play card games. He’s very imaginative and creative. He’s a great problem solver (when his family isn’t around). He thinks nature is really pretty. “Woah! This is the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen!”

He’s also very respectful of nature in the beginning. When he sets up his cottage, he sets it up in a place free of trees and other landmarks. His family goes too far as to harm the animals and the trees when they set up the RV. They throw bears around and Onceler reaches out to protect pipsqueak at his own expense when they are being saved from the river. He never intended to do any harm to the forest of its occupants in the beginning even though he did so by being a bit reckless. He even cooks them pancakes!

So, then why does he keep threatening the forest when the Lorax tells him to stop? I believe it’s because the Lorax reminds him of his mother. The Lorax also uses shaming and gaslighting to try and get the Onceler to do what he wants. For example;

“Hey! Did you chop down this tree?” Right off the bat, the Lorax starts with an accusatory statement. He knows that the Onceler chopped down the tree. It’s like a mother asking her three-year-old if he got into the cookie jar when he’s holding a cookie. He clearly knows that he did, in fact, chop down this tree but now Onceler is being faced with impending disappointment coming from another figure. A common reaction to abuse is to try and immediately escalate the situation and to keep out of trouble so you’re not yelled at or hit.

“Uhhh...no? Who did it? *Gasp* What’s that? I think he did it!” Hence this line. And here comes the inevitable yelling that he was trying to stop.

“Leave! Vacate the premise. Take your ax and get out!”

*Tries to placate the Lorax by giving him the peace offering of a marshmallow* This action shows that he wants to stop the yelling and hopefully make things right. But how can he offer an apology when he’s never been taught how? His whole life presents meant everything was okay now. Hence the marshmallow.

*Lorax start kicking the pegs holding his house up*

“Whoa! Wait! Hey, Mustache! Will you stop that? What’s your deal, man?” He doesn’t start calling names until he’s tried to peacefully ask him to stop first. He’s learned this from his family and does this towards the Lorax a few times in the film. But never towards anyone who didn’t cause him harm first. (It’s still an emotional abuse tactic though.)

“Whoa! Stop right there!”- Lorax

*Immediately stops and takes several steps back*-Onceler

“So, you would hammer one of nature’s innocent creatures?”- Lorax

*Shock and hurt* “What? No! I would never hit this little guy! You, on the other hand, I would gladly pound you and your mustache into the ground!” He is aggressive now because all his other defense mechanisms have not worked to get his aggressor to stop. But this next part is the important part.

“Behold! The intruder and his violent ways. Shame on you. For shame.” *All the other forest creatures start shaking their heads in disappointment* Who does this remind you of? The Onceler’s mother. She did this same thing with his family when he was leaving. The Lorax has shamed him for doing what he thought was a good thing and turned everyone against him. Feeling alone and isolated is a very scary thing, especially when everyone is targetting you. The Onceler has a lot of experience being on this end and never being able to stand up for himself. So, he turns to anger and ‘justifies’ his actions so people will stop targetting him and shaming him.

“All right, you know what? That’s it. You listen here, you furry meatloaf. I’m going to chop down as many trees as I need. Okay? Newsflash! Not going anywhere. End of story!”

After this, the Onceler and the Lorax reach an agreement of not chopping down the trees when Onceler sees just what kind of effect he could have on his new friends and doesn’t want to cause them any harm. But the Lorax keeps bringing up his mistake.

“You chopped down one of my trees to make that piece of garbage?” He is once again imitating the mother by putting the Onceler down and insulting something precious to him. The Oncelere’s face falls and he holds his thneed close to him as if to protect it. When you constantly bring up someone’s mistakes, it makes them feel worse and worse about themselves and prevents them from moving on and bettering themselves. This creates a cycle of self-hatred that’s hard to break out of. The Onceler has experienced this from his family and from the Lorax. After he destroys the entires forest, he also experiences it from himself as he shuts himself in isolation and refuses to move past his mistakes.

The Family influence on his decisions.

Alright, the part we all really wanted to get to. We have seen that the Onceler is not a greedy person. So, why does he keep chopping down trees to make more money and keep biggering his company? Because his abusive family manipulates him into it and it’s hard for him to break that cycle. He fully intended to keep his promise on not chopping down trees and devised another system to gather the tusks from the trees.

When does he start chopping down the trees?

When his mother tells him to. Breaking his promise didn’t even cross his mind until his mother suggested it and here’s your proof.

Once-ler: I mean, look at this. It's amazing. I am so proud of me.

Once-ler's Mom: Oncie, we've got us a little problem.

Once-ler: Problem?

Once-ler's Mom: Mmm-hmm. See, we're not making Thneeds fast enough.

Once-ler’s Dad: Harvesting the tufts takes too long!

Once-ler: Well, what else can we do? (Didn’t mention chopping down the trees at all. What can he do? He can’t cut them and he has to find a faster way to harvest them. )

Once-ler's Mom: Well, and this just came to me, we could always start chopping down the trees. (Oh, can he?)

Once-ler: What? (What? No, I can’t. I promised.)

Now you're thinking.

That would speed things up!

Once-ler: But… (But I promised!)

Once-ler's Mom: No buts, Oncie. You're running a business now. You have to do what's best for the company and your momma.

Once-ler: Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to chop down a few trees. (Well, I guess if it’s to keep my mom happy and they’re proud of me, how bad can it be if everyone is happy?)

Once-ler's Mom: You've made me so proud, Oncie. Come here!

And here it is. The moment you choose to please an abuser is the moment you lose everything. And what happens after? Exactly.

One more thing I’d like to put in here is that pride also has something to do with it. He’s proud that he overcame adversity and made it big. He’s proud that he’s helping people. He’s proud that his family finally likes him. He’s glad he made his family proud! “Look at this! I’m so proud of me.” “You’ve made me so proud!” “Something good finally happens to me!” “This is all so gratifying! (Because I’m so proud of all that I’ve accomplished and All I’ve built and all I’ve collected!)”

His regret.

After this, his family starts pushing the Lorax and all his forest friends away so that he has no other information or support system so he can only keep making his decisions based on what makes them happy and what fuels his pride.

“I’ve done nothing illegal! I have my rights!” Are these his thoughts or his family trying to keep his guilt in check so he doesn’t compromise their money income? Just saying.

“The last tree. That might stop you.” You can see the guilt hit the Onceler really fast and he desperately tries to win the animals back as he realizes just how bad his actions really were. FOr the first time in his life he doesn’t receive any backlash for a mistake

the animals don’t fight him and the Lorax doesn’t tell him how wrong he was. He just sits in the knowledge that he was wrong. “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.”

The guilt hits him hard and he spends the rest of his life wallowing in his mistake. Not to mention all his efforts were for naught as his family leaves him, slamming him with more disappointment. “You have let me down. Bret! You are now my favorite child!” He tried so hard but they never cared about him and all his mistakes and choices were made in vain because you can’t please abusers. He had to be hurting really really badly after that.

I firmly believe he’s still a good person because I can see just how much he regretted his mistake. In my opinion, O’Hare represents corporate greed much more than the Onceler does because he doesn’t regret any of his actions and he purposely keeps the environment bad and making more smog and making more plastic to keep the people paying him and getting more money. He does all that on purpose.

The Onceler? He made mistakes and he was manipulated. It doesn’t excuse his actions and he does hold accountability because abuse isn’t an excuse. But it was emotional abuse, not corporate greed and that’s my point. Thanks for coming to my essay. Have a lovely day!

#the lorax #the onceler #lorax 2012 #oncie

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ctl-yuejie · 4 years

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opinion on the term bl?

uhhhhhh…very complicated. I might have written a whole rant post before on the topic on this blog on an empty stomach so it was most likely not very nuanced (I think it was about people saying that The Untamed didn’t count as BL).

buckle in, this got suuuper long

tbh i first came into contact with the term in the early 2000s and since the internet didn’t play any role at my age then, the only context I had were magazines (here in Europe) and manga publications.

I knew that BL was a whole genre in Manga and that it featured gay romance and that fans / content creators would refer to themselves at fujoshi. Now, at that time I was only figuring out that I was bi, didn’t know any Japanese and didn’t have any friends with cultural ties to Japan.

So based on the magazines I read, I started to believe that “Fujoshi” literally meant “Rotten Girl” because of the taboo of same-sex relationships and the tantalizing sense of the forbidden that comes with it.

While I read some BL manga (couldn’t tell you the titles anymore), I never referred to myself as a Fujoshi or being into BL because both terms seemed to apply only to Japanese people and the sense of “the forbidden” in regards to same-sex relationships didn’t fit to my reality (having been to a same-sex marriage with my family at age 8 etc) and also felt demeaning to me.

After learning Japanese and living in Japan I didn’t really question my aversion to the terms, since I did have access to the internet now but didn’t think of fact-checking everything I had “learned” pre-internet (I think it is important to note here that the magazines weren’t the highest in quality in terms of journalistic prowess nor scientific in any way. They were just short entertaining articles, aimed at teenagers like me, trying to profit from the still ongoing wave of japanese pop culture in the west) and my only experience with both bl content and real life fujoshi wasn’t that positive:

My feelings on BL and fujoshi culture were heavily influenced by

- the wave of very sad and traumatizing gay movies in Japan that most of the time ended in double suicides of the main characters

- rape storylines getting romanticized in manga

- pretty heavily stereotyped gay characters in main stream tv series that were only there for comedic relief

- the Fujoshi I knew back then being weirded out by the thought of same-sex relationships between women and basing their thought on gay men solely on the content they consumed

- not finding the hailed “subversion of traditional gender roles” or discussion thereof in the BL my friends consumed.

- my gay friends in japan having very frustrating encounters with fujoshi who started to treat them like an open air circus and not making them feel supported in real life

- people around me making judgments based on attractiveness on whether gay people should get supported, while the hint of a celebrity being gay was weaponized against them

now, this pretty much sums up, why I tended to have negative thoughts on the subject and felt more sympathetic to the push from some people in the queer community in japan to please retire terms like “uke” and “seme” when talking about real people.

since then, i didn’t intervene when other female friends in japan would use the term for themselves, because it still was a term coined in japan and those people were actually supportive of queer people so i didn��t see how me being preachy about it just because of my experience and not calling myself a fujoshi or fan of bl would be of any help and/or called for.

jump to 2018/2019 and i started to read more papers about it on a whim because i started to watch Crossing The Line and for the first time in a long while I was in a fandom again where people called the genre “BL” and themselves fujoshi/fudanshi.

I came to know that what I assumed the origin story of the term “Fujoshi” to be had been misreported (shocker) by the magazines back in my youth and that apparently the term was also widely used in Thailand, Taiwan and Mainland China. especially the knowledge that apparently TERFs were behind a pushback of the term made me reevaluate my opinion.

Since I have really no insight into Chinese or Thai culture it is not on me to judge whether it is appropriate for people there to use BL as a genre signifier etc and from all I have read, in some cases it is really about finding a way of creating and distributing queer content in a place that is not lgbtqi+ friendly or use it as means of finding expressions for one’s own sexuality etc.

Obv. there are genre conventions I will get annoyed about and criticize (all female characters are evil etc) but those things are also not BL exclusive so there’s not much sense in condemning a whole genre that at least tries to push some conventions.

With the Internet and a global push for more lgbtqi+ rights there is now definitely a strong symbiotic relationship between queer content and real life social changes. so being harder on queer content (in general) because it isn’t perfect doesn’t make anything better for queer people.

nowadays there has been some wonderful content in japan with a push for real life legal changes as well, taiwan has the marriage for all and thailand is also pushing for a civil union for everyone.

especially in the case of mainland china with strict censorship rules i will congratulate anyone who tries to sneak some ambiguity in. it saddens me that the rules are as strict and that there are even more hardships for lgbtqi+ people in real life but i would never say that not creating any content that could be interpreted as queer should be favoured over trying to do something, regardless of how lacking the result might seem.

The reason why I ranted about BL as a genre term recently was mostly directed at western fans with no cultural ties to any of the aforementioned cultures, but i definitely didn’t stress that enough in my previous post.

Since I still don’t call myself a fujoshi or being into the BL genre I am suspicious of western fans calling themselves as such. because i project my own experience and knowledge on them and there are people out there who definitely emphasize the cheeky “rotten” side of themselves while not knowing (like past me) where the term comes from and that it does’t have to do with any “forbidden fruit”. i assume a certain laziness when straight people will try and convince me that they are allies to me, because they consume BL series, but will still call me “the man” in the relationship etc.

There can definitely be a need for a similar outlet that allows people to write about gender roles, sexualities etc in a similar way but very often the argument of “it is female empowerment to be into BL” is just warping the origin story of the term into an excuse for homophobic statements. I see the term get applied to western shows as well (when there isn’t a need for using a Japanese term, especially not when there’s a missing understanding of its origin) and actual mlm shows in asia being dismissed just because it doesn’t fit the BL genre conventions (point and example: people in the west discounting The Untamed as mlm content because they weren’t explicit about it; What Did You Eat Yesterday getting dismissed because of similar reasons and the diversion from presumed age and beauty standards of BL as a genre). That way western fans made BL feel quite restrictive and not interchangeable with mlm anymore, which just confounds me.

in the end it also comes down to scope: someone writing fanfiction, producing small indie series cannot really be harmful even when they content might seem so. so regardless of what the genre entails it is important to put everything in perspective and whether this is the hill someone wants to die on, instead of leaving space for artistic expression, cultural differences and celebrating the steps into a more loving world for all.

tl;dr: I feel many emotions; there’s always space to learn more and I am grateful to everyone who made posts about the racism in criticizing the terms “Fujoshi” / “BL”; I don’t use the term myself, but only feel wary when westerners use it; personally I prefer to use mlm or wlw as content describers but I am also not 100% satisfied with that as well

ask me my opinion on ______

#ctlyuejie writes #ask game #ctlyuejie rants #long post #lovely mutuals are lovely #this is mostly to sort my own thoughts #thank you for the ask and sorry for the word vomit

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charlie-minion · 4 years

Text

What were the highs and lows of this year?

I didn’t do journaling on my blog this year, but I didn’t abandon my insightful nature either. I believe this year was better than last year and considerably better than 2017, so I’d like to borrow the last journal entry from last year in order to organize in my head the good and the bad of 2019.

LOWS:

I spent a long time staring at the word “lows” and trying to write something, but every time I came up with an idea, my brain provided a thought that made it seem like it really wasn’t a big deal and that it all worked out for the best, anyway. I guess my psychologist would be very proud of me right now! For instance:

I let go of some friendships and acquaintances.

After uttering this statement, I realized that this was more positive than negative because I learned to invest my time and energy wisely. I learned the importance of giving and taking in a relationship (platonic or otherwise) and the necessity of letting go of those who don’t make an effort. So, in this regard, I regret nothing.

I had another depressive episode and some serious moments of crisis.

This is another low that turned into a high. I started to feel the decline in my mental health again at the end of June and promptly looked for help. I realized the health care system in my country does offer mental health services for free, so I went back to therapy. I had regular weekly sessions with my psychologist for 6 months, and I was properly diagnosed by a psychiatrist. They discovered I had been wrongly diagnosed with major depression the previous times I had hit rock bottom, but in reality, I’ve had bipolar disorder all this time (which makes a lot of sense, truth be told). Without that depressive episode, I wouldn’t have gone back to therapy and many of the highs of the year wouldn’t have happened.

My social service project and master’s thesis took a lot longer than I expected.

However, I can’t complain much about this because everything worked out great in the end. And the fact that my graduation was in September gave my big sister the chance to come to my country and be here with me on such a special occasion.

It took me a long time to sell the missing half of my old property.

But it was worth the wait because a friend of my mom’s bought the house and I don’t carry that burden into 2020 anymore.

I didn’t get a job.

This isn’t true, though. I did get a job. I got a job as the vice-principal of a private school, but I decided not to sign the contract because there were things I didn’t agree with. I was offered two other jobs during the year and I just wasn’t interested in taking them. It took me some time to realize that I didn’t want to get a job because I wasn’t stable enough. I felt pressured to do so because it was expected of me as someone with both a bachelor’s and a master’s degree, but I didn’t really want to, so not getting a job was actually a good thing and the Universe knew better.

I burned the bridge with my ex-girlfriend (whether temporarily or for life).

When I broke up with my girlfriend, I didn’t do it because I didn’t care for her; I did it because I wanted to give her a chance to learn what she truly wanted. She’s still hot and cold and that’s understandable due to her age (there’s an age gap to consider between us). She kind of tried to communicate with me a few times (mostly when she needed something) and I tried to stay friends, but when she approached me a month into my depressive episode of the year, I was not in the right condition to keep playing mind games with her and decided to set very clear boundaries that would leave her out maybe for good. On the one hand, this could be one of the lows of the year, but on the other hand, I simply don’t regret a thing because I had to do what was best for me and my mental and emotional health.

Honestly, there’s not a single low this year that can’t be turned into a good thing. And I know that must have been true in the previous years as well, but I wasn’t in the right state of mind to do so.

HIGHS:

All the aforementioned things are definitely highs, but they are the result of an automatic exercise my brain did to transform something negative into something positive. My therapist spent weeks and weeks working with me on this, and I thought this was the most difficult exercise of all, so that’s why I believe she would be extremely proud of me if she saw me doing this unprompted.

Now if I want to talk specifically about the highs, I can mention:

I had a spiritual awakening on January 28th.

When my depressive episode kicked in, I started to doubt the spiritual awakening had been true. Then when I learned about my mental illness, I thought that maybe what I thought was a spiritual awakening had simply been a hypomanic episode. But the truth is that my level of consciousness shifted and there’s no denying that. I may have a serious mental illness and I may be on meds for the rest of my life, but the fact that, from January on, I’ve been very in tune with my intuition has nothing to do with all that. There’s no need to go deep into this because I don’t feel the need to talk about it or convince anyone anymore, and isn’t that even better?

I got closer to my family.

I realized that I didn’t have to turn my back on my family because not everything is black or white. They may not be perfect, but I’m not either; nobody is. So, I made peace with some relatives and got closer again to some others. I’m a lot better at setting boundaries now, so I’m not a people pleaser, but I’m not nasty either. All in all, I feel good about the fact that I may not be as alone as I thought I was.

I released the two major sources of stress I still had.

When I finished grad school and sold my house, I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. I don’t have any more papers to worry about, professors or classmates to deal with, or fees to pay. I don’t have to clean my old house or continue paying the bills. I’m finally free! And there’s no better way to start a new year and a new decade.

I got diagnosed and was given the proper treatment.

As I mentioned before, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It’s not that I’m happy about it, but I was treated incorrectly for so many fucking years, that it feels wonderful to be taken seriously for the first time in forever. I started medication in November and my psychiatrist has been really helpful. The effect of the meds has been evident! There haven’t been side effects and my brain has reacted beautifully to the treatment. It feels like I can use my rational mind now, and I can even keep it together when other people act in a threatening way (which has happened). I’m amazed at how different life feels like from this perspective. I never quite understood why people liked to be alive because all I felt on a daily basis was despair, so to me being alive used to feel like a burden rather than a blessing. It doesn’t feel that way now. I know both the meds and the changes in my life style have contributed, but I can say with 100% certainty that without the meds, I would not feel the way I do right at this time.

I look freaking fantastic!

I have lost over 80 pounds since I started exercising on March 20, 2018. I have a lot of energy and feel good about myself. It’s not just the fact that I’m not overweight anymore, though. I’m proud of myself because I’ve had the patience and discipline to do something that didn’t give me any immediate benefit. I see the results now and everyone praises me for what I’ve accomplished, but I exercised daily for over a year without seeing much of a change, and despite that, I kept going. So, this is definitely a high! I’m missing just 25 pounds to weigh what I want, and I’m confident I’ll be there soon.

I appreciate the people who are still part of my life.

I haven’t let go of every friend; I just got better at knowing when a cycle is over without taking it personally. Some people have returned to my life, and some others have left. That’s just part of life, I guess. The only thing I know is that those who remain mean a lot to me, and I’m thankful for them.

I finally learned what I want.

It was December of 2017 when my friend Kate asked me what I wanted after yet another failed suicide attempt. I couldn’t answer her question because I didn’t know; no one had ever asked me that, not even me. I’d always done what others wanted me to, or what I thought others wanted or expected from me. Last year, when I had to answer this question in my journal, I had trouble giving a straight answer. It was easier to identify what I DIDN’T want. That was progress, indeed, but still not enough. This year, I’ve continued to progress. I know what I want! I want to live as if I had already retired without feeling guilty about it. I want to feel proud about my academic accomplishments without feeling that I’m obliged to climb a professional ladder because of them. I want to have time to enjoy my hobbies and to enjoy the simplest things in life, even if I can’t eat out at fancy restaurants or buy fancy things as often as I used to. I want a humble, simplified life. And that’s exactly what I have right now!

I may not be where I thought I wanted to be 10 years ago, but at the time, I didn’t even know what I wanted. I was just acting in autopilot, following other people’s beliefs of what I should want. I’m convinced that 2020 will be an amazing year precisely because I am EXACTLY where I want to be, and if that’s not where others expected me to be, all I can say is that I don’t give a single fuck! :’D

Thank you for everything, 2019!

HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone, especially to those who read all of this! ♥♥

#not supernatural #personal #about me #charlie talks #highs and lows #2019 summary #it was a good year

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tiaragqueen · 5 years

Note

a yandere sub jimin pls? its all i want 😔 really gentle smut if that’s possible

Off The Deep End

✂ Pairing: Yandere! Park Jimin x Reader

✂ Word Count: 1,5k

✂ Trigger Warning: Negative thoughts, mention of suicide, self-deprecation, swear words

✂ This story is fictional and for amusement only. I don’t believe any of the members would do this in real life. As always, thank you for reading and I hope you have a good day!

Donot re-upload my writing to another website or use it without mypermission.

***

Like Salem the Cat said: “And let’s give a big warm welcome to sadness.” So, here’s my poor attempt at being angsty.

If you like mywriting, please support me on ko-fi!

“The way I act don’t seem like me. I’m not on top like I used to be. I’ll give in when I know I should be strong. I still give in even though I know it’s wrong, know it’s wrong.” Guess I’m Dumb [Glen Campbell]

“Ugly.”

“Horrible.”

“Fat.”

“Pathetic.”

“Cry-baby.”

The mirror reflected Jimin’s shivering figure as he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to ignore the persistent voices. They reverberated around the room, while in reality they only existed within his head. Jimin whimpered when they began to mock his pathetic attempt to counter them with positive thoughts. Their volumes increased as they kept jeering and bringing up his past insecurities. The insecurities that he had buried deep in the crevices of his brain.

“Do you think she loves you? What a fucking joke.”

“Look at you. Crying like a snotty baby you are.”

“I bet she’s only dating you because of a damn pity.”

“What a weakling. You don’t deserve to be near her in the first place, let alone dating her.”

Jimin wasn’t sure how it happened. One day, he went out to buy a present for your birthday, when he suddenly became uncertain with his choice. He wasn’t sure what you’d like, even though you had repeatedly reassured him that you wouldn’t mind anything he bought. Regardless if it was a mere snack or simple shirt.

But Jimin was a perfectionist. Everything had to proceed smoothly, otherwise he would go crazy. He only wanted the best for you, and he always treated you like a queen you were. Therefore, he refused to buy anything that wasn’t up to your taste. He didn’t want you to fake a smile at him as you received his poor excuse of a gift. He wanted you to leap in joy and, possibly, cry from happiness. He wanted you to hug him and express how lucky you were to have such a perfect boyfriend in your life.

In the end, you got a beautiful silver necklace with his initial. It wasn’t really expensive – something that you didn’t care much considering that you’d still accept anything he gave you – and beamed at him. However, he had mistaken your act of gratitude as one of those ‘fake smile that people only do when they receive something that they don’t like, but feel obligated to do so’. And from that day onwards, those voices from the past had begun to haunt him again.

“Who the fuck do you think you are, huh?”

“She deserves better.”

“You should rot in a gutter instead. Better yet, you should kill yourself right now. It’ll ease her burden.”

“Nobody wants you.”

“Unloved.”

Jimin gripped his head with both hands as he gritted his teeth. “Shut up, shut up, shut up.” he muttered, desperately praying for them to just leave him alone.

“You’re just robbing her from her happiness, you know?”

“There are a lot of men in this world that want her. Don’t be so fucking greedy. They’re more interesting than a weakling like you!”

“Stop being delusional and break up already!”

“It’s your fate to die alone. Just accept it and move on like you’re supposed to.”

“You are, and will always be, a lonely man.”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” he yelled at nothing in particular, the loud sound echoing in the otherwise quiet apartment.

Jimin collapsed on to the floor with tears streamed down his flushing cheeks like a small, seemingly never-ending, waterfall. He sobbed against his palms, chest heaving in each inhale he took. In his meltdown, he failed to notice the thundering footfalls that rushed into the room. He couldn’t hear anything, except the sound of his labored breaths and a constant coo.

A pair of arms wrapped around his trembling body and brought him close to someone’s chest. The warmth of a loving hug faltered his cry slightly as he buried himself deeper into the person, seeking the comfort he’d desired. Delicate fingers stroked his cheeks, wiping away any trace of tears that glistened on the reddened skin.

“Shush, it’s okay. Everything’s gonna be okay.” you murmured in his ear, patting his shuddering back. You patiently listened to his blubber and kissed the blond locks.

“Disgusting.”

“You can’t even deal with your own problems and have to drag her into these? You truly are pitiful.”

“So now you want her attention, huh?”

“Once an attention seeker, always an attention seeker.”

“[Name]…” he choked on his sob.

“You’re such a burden, you know that?”

“Am I…” Jimin inhaled shakily, blinking away the tears that stung his pupils. “Am I a burden to you?”

“Hell, yeah!”

You frowned, the corner of your lips curled downwards. “Of course not, Jimin. Whatever made you think that way?” you answered, feeling both concerned and confused with his sudden question.

Since when did he start considering himself like this? And most of all, why did you find out now? To think that you’d finally gotten to know him better, and worked on easing his insecurities. It seemed that the ‘voices’ had only given him a respite before they returned, strong enough to break him down. You could count on one hand the times where he cried, but never this loud and until he had to yell at himself.

“They… they said I’m a burden to you, and that I should just kill myself to ease your burden.”

You unconsciously gripped his petite body as you ground your teeth in silent indignation. “Well,” you huffed, trying to form the right words so he wouldn’t end up misunderstanding you. “You’re not a burden to me, okay? You’re not, and will never be. And no, I won’t let you kill yourself. You’re too precious for me, you know that? Life would be meaningless without you.”

“She’s lying. She only said that to make you feel better. She didn’t say it because she loved you or something. Don’t get your hopes too high.”

“Bet she’s secretly tired from comforting you all the time.”

“Life would be meaningless without you? Ridiculous!”

“Yeah, you’re too precious alright. For a moment, that is.”

“Do you mean that, [Name]?” he asked softly, hanging his head down as if he was a criminal being caught red-handed.

You smiled and caressed his jaw. “Of course, I do. I’ve never lied, haven’t I?”

Jimin mustered a weary smile and looked up through his wet eyelashes, observing your serene face. You were crooning his favorite song, although normally you were too shy to even him in front of him. There was a certain anxiety and fear that came from performing before a professional singer, knowing that your skill was still far from theirs. You knew that Jimin would never judge your voice, no matter how bad and off-tune it sounded, because he himself didn’t have much confidence in his own voice. Still, he had and was still trained in singing. While you? The furthest thing you could do was belting out the ‘la la la’ part from his songs.

“Look at her. She’s a goddess, and you’re just a dirty little peasant. You’re staining her beauty.”

“[Name],” Jimin sighed when he heard you hum in response. “I’m scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“I’m scared that you…” Another tears prickled his bloodshot eyes as he tried to even his breathing. “That you would leave me someday. I’m scared that you would stop loving me like you used to. I-I know I’m a cry-baby, a weakling, and an attention seeker, but I love you. I truly do, with all my heart. I… I don’t think I can live without you. So, please. Don’t leave me, [Name]. Don’t abandon me. I need you, so much I can go crazy.”

There was a short period of silence that sent his heart into a thumping disarray. Maybe he shouldn’t say that. He had been coming on too strong to you – what with all the crying and sobbing – and you clearly hadn’t been prepared for that. He had scared you, and now he had to deal with the consequences. Jimin could only hoped that you didn’t choose to break up with him, because he wouldn’t know what to do if such scenario arise.

You exhaled; the act only served to increase his anxiety even more. “Jimin,” you spoke up, breaking the tension between you.

Gulping, Jimin prepped himself up for the upcoming punishment or whatever decision you’d bestow upon him.

“I know that I’m not really good at expressing my feelings but…” you slowly unbuttoned the white shirt that didn’t cover his chest very well and glanced up. “I want to show you just how much I love you.”

Jimin’s pupils dilated at the lust and affection that reflected on your half-lidded eyes. That was certainly unexpected. He had thought that you were upset by his statement and prepared to leave him. But, as always, you never failed to surprise him.

Pushing him down slowly, indifferent to the coldness of the floor that crept like vines around his bare upper body, Jimin watched you open your own shirt with a shy yet gentle smile.

“Tonight is all about you, baby.”

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