#note - i experience intrusive thoughts from time to time but do NOT have ocd

[corvigae]

Okay so I know that after Withers revives Resistant!Durge post Bhaal's temper tantrum they're supposed to be "cured" of the Urge so they don't have it anymore. But I like the idea of Durge having OCD/similar intrusive thoughts, so in my headcanon the way I think of it is like this: The Dark Urge manifests as those violent intrusive thoughts, yes, but pre-curing those thoughts also came with some degree of either desire or compulsion, that when those thoughts came to them they would have to actively suppress themselves to not act upon them. And then post-curing, they still have those intrusive thoughts, but now they don't feel like they have to fight themselves to not do them, they can just mentally go "Okay edgelord" at their own brain and brush them off much more easily. And they're still to some degree disturbed by the ideas that pop into their brain, but they don't have to feel so constantly on edge and hyper-vigilant over whether they'll let their control slip and actually hurt someone based on those thoughts or not.

[stovetoast]

pillow tpot headcanons (long ramble expanding on the ocd part under the cut)

ok so first warning: i am not a psychiatrist. this isnt a super educated essay on ocd, just me projecting my lived experience onto an object show character. this is just an observation. if i get something wrong feel free to correct me, ill add it here. (its also worth noting i am self diagnosed. not "quick google search" self dx though, ive gone over it with a therapist and everything)

and that leads into the second warning: this ramble will get a tad bit personal sorryyyy

and finally the third warning: i put she/it on the ref but im just using she/her for simplicity (+ i forgot LOL(

anyway so yeah i think that pillow has ocd and is basically the embodiment of "letting intrusive thoughts win" except like. actually. this headcanon didnt stem from the killing or the strange impulses though, i think she has it because of her fixation on good and bad luck in tpot 10.

for me it manifests in a few different ways. my main one is counting—i have good luck numbers and bad luck numbers. i need to take a specific number of snacks every time i have a bowl of them. i have to shake medicine bottles a certain amount of times before taking them. i am always counting the "syllables" of whatever im doing, and it always has to land on a multiple/factor of my lucky number. and if i break any of this, i (generally, if i cant convince myself its fine or if i dont notice) have to count to my lucky number otherwise something bad will happen. hell, i added more flags to this ref because the number of them was my unlucky number.

i have a few other things that affect it that are completely unrelated to counting, though. like a particularly bad one is that i straight up cant wear certain articles or clothing anymore because theyre bad luck. or my ungodly long night routine (which is probably more of an autism thing tbh. but certain parts of it are absolutely influenced by the ocd, like having to say goodnight to my dog).

that ^^ is what i saw in pillow. she was distraught that her team lost in 9, because not only did she think she was doing the challenge right, but killing people (bringing death) was good luck for her.

i think her killing people was a compulsion, and her whole thing in 10 was her scrambling to find a new one after that stopped working.

and before anyone tries to be all like "oh thats fucked up why would they portray ocd like that," one: i dont think this was on purpose this was just an observation, two: i mean..... fuck dude if i lived in a world where revival was incredibly accessible and one of my compulsions were to kill people, id do the same thing. death is fairly normal in bfdi, to the point everyone literally has a kill count on the fandom wiki (hers is 13 as of tpot 11 btw, a commonly unlucky number ironically enough. if she gets eliminated in 12 with an unlucky kill count thatd be so funny). once they get past the pain, its. really just an inconvenience to them.

when it comes to ocd, you. HAVE to do these things. its not a choice until you can get some outside help with it, and oftentimes its an inconvenience to those around you. i dont think its right for her to be going around killing her team, but when i get past the fact that is literally what made her my favorite, i get where shes coming from. shes trying to help in a way she "knows" will work.

or maybe shes just silly idk

[asexual-society]

I have known I was asexual for nearly a decade now. That part of my identity has always been clear. I experience zero sexual attraction, and am sex-neutral. (with a slight lean towards sex repulsed) Recently, as in just within the past year, I have begun having sexual intrusive thoughts as I heal my trauma. How do I explain to someone who isn't asexual and quite honestly doesn't understand the difference between romantic and sexual attraction, that the intrusive thoughts are different from sexual attraction?

I know I don't owe anyone an explanation, but I really care about this person, and I want them to understand this about me

Tumblr ate my answer to this, which was. Quite Frustrating. So I'm sorry it took so long to get around to answering it properly.

I don't have a lot of experience with explaining intrusive thoughts I'm afraid, but having resources to hand about what they are as a baseline might be a valuable tool as a starting point, since it can be hard to verbalise your own experiences to someone who has no prior knowledge, especially with something very personal like this. (Here are some which seemed comprehensive, but you might want to find your own if some are more or less relevant to your situation X, Y, Z. Note, the last article discusses negative reactions the author experienced towards their OCD, if you want to give that a miss.)

I think understanding that intrusive thoughts (of any variety) are unwanted is important in distinguishing between them and attraction, so it might help to draw a direct line connecting your intrusive thoughts with non-sexual intrusive thoughts, since they're more similar to each other than sexual intrusive thoughts are to sexual attraction. For someone who experiences sexual attraction, I'd always hope that they could see how this was different from their experiences of attraction, but it can be pretty difficult for people who have never thought about what sexual attraction is to collect those specific feelings under that label (and not catch a bunch of other feelings in with that definition too).

Sexual attraction (because it's helpful to be have a dictionary definition to fall back on, although I'm sure you know) is an attraction that makes someone want to engage in sexual acts with a specific person. It isn't fun or sexy to describe it like that, and it can seem complicated for sex favourable ace people, since they might also decide they want to have sex with someone, while not being attracted to them in that way, but I kind of imagine it like the difference between putting two magnets next to each other and two pennies. Magnets will be attracted to one another, but pennies need some sort of external influence (even if the external feeling is "it seems fun so why not"). But I digress. Thinking about sex isn't the same as wanting sex, and wanting sex isn't the same as attraction, just like thinking about eating a food you're violently allergic to isn't the same as wanting to have an allergic reaction, which isn't the same as actually triggering an allergic reaction, you get the idea.

I hope this is somewhat helpful, if it isn't feel free to send another ask and I'll do my best to get to it a little quicker next time, but I hope you're doing okay.

~ mod key

[nothums-from-tj]

Hi I’ve had this PPG Foster Care AU running in my head and I’m finally putting it out

(just notes/refs/background until I actually have the time/energy to go further)

I’d like to note first and foremost that I’m doing everything I can to research while making these details and I know I can always use more—I’ll come back and edit with any inaccuracies or plot holes another day! I’ve been inspired to just put the idea out even if it’s not a perfectly well-done fic or comic or whatever

Trigger/content warnings (no graphic details, all mentioned): domestic violence, incarceration, unstable parent, severe depression, suicidal ideation, mental hospital (ever so slight mention), family separation, parental death, child neglect, food instability

I couldn’t decide if I wanted to write this in past or present tense and I’m at work as I’m finishing this so. I’m sorry

Ok so the whole point of this is to say the girls are not biological sisters—they’re all foster sisters with varying different bio families (with no powers) and backgrounds (they’re all in the same grade/age group), and so different reasons they’re in the system. Professor looks into fostering for similar reasons to making them in canon: to give some kids a home where they might not have anywhere else, to provide some kind of safe space where it’s needed and he wants to do what he can to make the world a little better in that sense. Besides, he’s got 3 spare rooms he’s not using anyhow. For convenience’s sake, I’m gonna say he starts fostering in 2005, where his first foster kid also happens to be one of his only 3 “long term” kids

Blossom:

- age 5 when she meets Professor and is brought into his home

- comes from a home with domestic abuse, taught that there are extreme consequences if something is not done “perfectly”

- she herself has never been hit, she’s just seen it happen to her mom few too many times

- that said she develops a habit of doing everything “perfectly” especially under the mindset of “I haven’t been hit bc I’ve done everything right” and carries a small part of that with her throughout her life

- I want to say it’s OCD but is it really an intrusive thought when you’ve known it to happen

- maybe develops DID too which is to be explored at a later date

- even still, every time Professor would raise a hand a little too close or too quickly it’d send her into a fit of tears and he learned to be much slower and more cautious around her in the time being

- unfortunately for Blossom, she got some of the worst of his inexperience and got to witness and go through all of his mistakes given she was literally his first foster and he does everything he can to make up for it after he’s learned/been experienced enough

- she entered the system when her father was finally incarcerated, which also meant her mother wasn’t financially able to support the two of them as a housewife

- she’s also incredibly depressed and keeps having bouts of suicidality and they just can’t keep a child around that too much, not with the risk of her waking up to having no guardian

- as much as she loves and misses her mom, she’s incredibly grateful that someone was willing to take her in and take care of her before visits

- she bonds with Professor almost instantly when she gets curious about his science experiments and he shows her some child-safe ones and they end up doing that together, at least once a week

- after he learned about her interests in reading and when she really started getting interested in science with him he does what he can to introduce new reading suggestions for her age level and things of the sort

- after Blossom there was a few months period of kids only needing a place for a few nights to about 2 weeks before getting sent back home or with another family member, so she tried not to get attached to any other foster siblings until the second long-term kid

- she still wanted a playmate for the few times that she would pick up dolls or whatever, just didn’t really ask for the fear of being “needy” (issues with trauma) or rely on since it’s out of her control

- by the time she’s 12 her mother has been kind of in and out of a mental hospital, so visitation days are wary and sometimes it’s literally just sitting in the room(???? gotta look into how mental hospital visitations work) with her for a few hours

- the second long-term kid is introduced to her about 9 months after being taken in, around 3 months after her 6th birthday

Bubbles:

- had only just recently turned 6 when Professor takes her in

- cried more than any of the other kids Professor had worked with by that time and didn’t really know how to take it

- her parents died suddenly, horrifically, and only had her 16-year-old brother left to take care of her

- since he’s also a minor, he went into the system too, and they got separated along the way (he was placed first)

- she misses him every day, and Professor would often try to get in contact with her brother’s foster home/family to get him to reunite with her

- unfortunately, her brother isn’t as well off as Bubbles is, and there’d be either strict rules from the home or his foster family would refuse to meet

- the last time he tried calling, they had his number blocked, and Bubbles cried for 3 days straight

- she still absolutely adores Blossom, and was always more than happy to color/draw or play with her

- they’re an amazing support system for one another, especially during school

- Bubbles is later adopted providing there’s not much of anywhere else for her to go

- about a year after is when her brother is on his own and is finally able to make contact with Professor again, and he’s not financially able to support Bubbles and himself so he just stops by whenever he can or will babysit or bring the kids to/from school whenever possible

- he’s a good boy

- the period of kids still kinda coming in and out lessens significantly with one room now being filled

- she misses it, a little bit, since it meant she got to make a new friend

- she misses the way her life used to be, her parents and her brother, although she’s still incredibly happy to have Blossom and Professor and to still see her brother every so often

- a year or two after she’s adopted comes a third placed with them, and it takes them a little while to readapt and even longer with someone they don’t have a near-immediate connection with

Buttercup:

- introduced to the Utonium fam about a month after her 10th birthday

- expected to be like a mini adult by the age of like 6

- she’s sheltered and clothed so it took forever for the right people to find out she’s been neglected

- eventually her parents would kinda forget to bathe her or sometimes provide meals so that’s how she got removed from them (I guess like a less drastic/severe “Opal” situation???) (linked: short film by Jack Stauber)

- her mother’s voice is sweet like honey, somehow even more so when asking her to stop screaming for a need to be met (“The whole neighborhood’s going to think I’m a bad mother.”) (0:16) (linked: clip from “Moral Orel”)

- her father’s voice is stern and reflective, he could be a great speaker or narrator so long as no one listens to a word he says (“It’s your problem. I trust you know how to deal with it.” “I’m only 9!” “That’s no excuse.”) (0:43) (linked: same “Moral Orel” clip)

- poor volume control also gets her in a bit of trouble with Professor just of course not nearly as bad/much, even less so when he realizes she can’t control it

- some behavioral issues as well which kinda come with being neglected

- absolutely hates visitations, always comes back in a horrid mood and usually slams the door and won’t leave/allow anyone in for a day and a half if she can allow it

- it gets even worse after she starts getting used to/comfortable with the treatment she gets with Professor vs at home

- it takes a while for the other two to warm up to her, mostly with Bubbles pushing hardest to find ways they can all hang out together

- plus when her brother met her when picking them up from from school one day they got along almost instantly so she wanted to see that charm of her more often

- near constant arguments with Blossom bc negative attention is still attention

- especially when Blossom has to do everything “the right way” and Buttercup likes getting that blow-up reaction (again: negative attention is still attention) when she doesn’t follow her rules/patterns

- anyway after a few months she was looking for a volleyball opponent and so taught her how to play and ended up really liking it so their relationship started improving

- she’d also have some dance parties with Bubbles so their relationship improved too

- otherwise she’d draw/color with them once in a while and played some pretend games on the rare occasion so things started getting easier

- especially when Professor got them (1 to share) an Xbox or PlayStation or something for Buttercup’s first Christmas with them and they all started playing video games together

- her parents have also taught her that she’s just dumb since she struggles to read and quite literally gave up once she started kindergarten and her teachers have had very little say other than that they hope whatever is happening improves (gotta love the educational neglect /s)

- her grades/participation goes up while with rest and Professor actually gets her tested with dyslexia so she can get the help she needs

- it takes a while to learn that she can ask nicely for a need to be met, positive attention can be acquired, she’s not stupid, she can ask for help, and she’s allowed to feel her feelings

I’ve yet to decide if their names are as they are in canon or I might go with the names in the ep “Oops, I Did It Again!” (Bubbles as Bertha, Buttercup as Betty, I don’t remember Blossom’s) or if Blossom and Buttercup get adopted as well. I’ll have to look more into reunification and qualifications for that, and even then develop more of a storyline with each of their families to really get a good idea. Hope it’s ok so far though!! I’ll come back another day to edit/update with any other research or ideas to fill in any gaps

[curiousitycollective]

I've been questioning on and off since i think, 2020? 2021? if im plural or not. At first i decided that no im not, because i dont have did/osdd/etc and I wasnt open to the idea of any other form of plurality bc it was always looked down upon. I stopped thinking about it for a while but more recently I've been having trains of thoughts that dont really feel like they belong to me: im not sure how to explain it, its not a voice, feels more like a thought that was placed into my mind but doesn't belong to *me*; but then i was thinking maybe im just personifying my intrusive thoughts etc + i have a history of experiencing paranoia/delusions too so, yk

We dont really switch either. I space out a lot (i do dissociate, im just quite confident i dont have any form of disordered plurality) and it occasionally it *feels* like im not in control but I know I still am. The most "out of control" i've felt was doing something and feeling that it was *influenced* by someone else, but not actually done by them. A lot of the things I thought were alters (back in 2021) were also more fragments of myself, I would say (minus one guy who's more distinct, but idk if im just making all of that up.)

I'm not asking you to tell me "yes, you are definitely plural" or "no definitely not" of course, I'm just wondering if there's any input or anything you could direct me with or anything ? ^^;

first sorry if you have been waiting on a reply, tumblr apparently isn't showing us notifications for asks anymore. Also our answer will be above the read more, and we'll stick some resources, blogs, ect under that we think might be helpful.

So a few things, starting with some general stuff for when you're questioning things plural and otherwise.

On the "am I making this up or not?" we encourage anyone whose questioning to distinguish between "making something up/faking it" and misinterpreting things when looking at their experiences.

If you aren't purposely forcing things or consciously creating them then you aren't making something up, you can misinterpret one thing as another but if you aren't trying to do something then you aren't making it up, making something up/faking it is a conscious choice.

We also encourage anyone questioning anything to worry less about "am I right about this lable?" and focus more on "does this label help me/make my life easier/explain things to me?" It takes the pressure off about being wrong and focusses on what the thing means to you specifically.

If you decide to identify as plural and find that no, this doesn't actually fit there's nothing wrong with going "nope not actually me" and continuing on with your journey.

We've gone through many different sets of identities and pronouns before we found what fits, because often the only way to know is to see if it works. The importance thing is to make sure that whatever you choose fits you, instead of you forcing yourself to fit it.

We definitely recommend journaling or doing some sort of tracking to see how you feel about different things over time. Honestly a small notebook you keep in your pocket and jot down any stray thoughts or influences would probably be a great start.

Its actually something we did when trying to sort out the influence of ocd from schizospec from plural. It can help you see patterns over time that would otherwise be really hard to spot and also having an external record helps avoid a lot of the pitfalls of human memory

Onto the more plural related stuff. So one thing to note is that its not at all uncommon to not directly hear anything or feel others beyond stray thoughts and feeling influences especially with plurals who aren't fully aware of being plural yet.

Internal communication often takes time and practice in order to become reliable. Its not something that you'll regularly see in plural communities online because by their nature most have some degree of awareness and internal communication, otherwise they wouldn't have sought out the community but it is completely normal.

Feeling like others in brain are versions of you, or fragments also is not uncommon. Its another experience that doesn't get spoken of on here but its one many have, smile/Wren/Ghost are some of our oldest members and started as alternate versions of each other before becoming more individual. Some find that as members become more aware and communicate improves members become more differentiated some stay the same, either way its not an unknown or weird experience.

One thing we highly recommend for you is looking into the median community and their experiences. Median falls under the plural umbrella but covers those who feel their system is less differentiated/closer to singlet.

Okay this is already huge and I think we hit on most points but please feel free to ask follow ups about anything we've said

- Everyone

Blogs

@median-culture-is

@multiplicity-positivity

@inclusiveplurality

@pluralpolls <— good for getting an idea of different experiences in the community

We'll also add our #accounts and narratives tag to this post, not everything is plural but its our tag for collecting different experiences so there's probably some stuff there that's useful

[dorianbrightmusic]

Reverse Rapunzel

(TW: Discussion of suicide/suicidal ideation, intrusive thoughts, and anorexia.)

When my anorexia was at its worst, I lost most of my creative functionality, and went from writing like two songs a month to one in all of spring. It's scary watching your ideas dry up, and losing your ability to lose yourself humming a tune that you've never heard in your lifetime. So when I was new-diagnosed and dead inside, I was briefly delighted when, in two days, I finished composing a song that I felt was objectively good, more classical and more melodic than anything I'd made up till that point, I was proud. I called it the Tower for awhile, then Reverse Rapunzel, in that the princess got herself out of her prison this time.

And I was happy, briefly, happy enough that I uploaded it on an otherwise-dead account, since I wanted it to be heard.

Two days later, I took it down, and I spent the next 18 months trying to clear it and everything associated with it from my computer.

I wanna explain why, since it scarcely makes sense that I'd spend years of my life trying to avoid remembering the tune to the song.

Intrusive thoughts are very difficult to describe if you don't have them, because you know they're irrational, but you're helpless to their narrative. I'm not talking 'what if they dislike me', or 'maybe I should throw my glass of water at someone'. I'm talking having a voice in your head that is telling you, vividly, to pick up a knife and be over with it. I'm talking closing your eyes and getting thrown out of your own body for a half-second by the intensity of the image of your own corpse that your imagination conjures up. I'm talking seeing your own headstone for the hour you spend trying and failing to sleep, and seeing the numbers on it very vividly, dead certain that you won't make it to the end of twelfth grade. What these thoughts said was whether you want to live or not, it isn't your choice.

What's scary is the way that intrusive thoughts latch onto other things, and poison things in your life. The way you stop being able to talk to people, because if you explain why, you'll cry. It's terrifying to have your own brain invaded from the inside, and to be able to do nothing to stop it.

Reverse Rapunzel was built around a very repetitive leitmotif. Three notes, over and over and over. Extremely catchy. Problem was, the intrusive thoughts took hold of the way Reverse Rapunzel repeated and repeated, and heard fate. That is, they decided, arbitrarily and awfully, that the repetition signified inevitability. If it gets stuck in your head, you'll kill yourself.

I couldn't bear it, because I could still remember the melody, and I couldn't put it out of my mind. I thought it was going to kill me, and there was nothing I could do. So, in a vain attempt to clear it out, I went through my computer, and deleted as many files as possible associated with the piece, or moved them to a backup drive to rot. I'm fairly certain the original Sibelius score file no longer exists, even on a backup.

This ritual provided brief relief, but even so, the melody stuck in my brain, and continued to haunt me until I recovered.

I've never had a formal OCD diagnosis - I took the intrusive thoughts largely as a corollary of starvation, and since they mostly disappeared when I recovered, I suppose they were - but I can't begin to say how terrifying this experience was. I didn't tell any friends, and I haven't talked about it online before. It was too shameful, and too horrifying.

But last year, I dug back through my computer, and found that one of the score files (though not the original) is still intact. And sometimes, I'll listen to it on repeat, over and over, for an hour or longer. I'm glad it's still around, but even so, it feels cursed. It's bittersweet - I'm relieved that the piece wasn't wiped out so brutally that I can't find it at all, but at the same time, it still feels kinda heavy to listen to. A solo piano song that's almost entirely 3 chords and a simple tune shouldn't do that.

So I'm glad that the piece and I survived this, and I wanted to discuss it, since I don't think people can easily understand just how terrifying and bizarre these things can be. But yeah. It was weird and it was scary and I still can't make sense of the irrationality of it.

[captain-lovelace]

first time rolling and smoking a joint tonight, as previously all my experience has been with edibles

Impressions: was TERRIBLE at rolling it and had a coughing fit, which maybe would have been averted if the filter I made hadn’t been so crappy (or if I’d bought some filters instead of trying to make one). Unlike with edibles this actually seemed to do something for my pain, which is wild. At first I thought I’d done it wrong because I didn’t feel high, but it set in after a little bit and I began to feel sleepy, moderately hungry (as opposed to the ravenous hunger that edibles induce) and super calm and happy. Surprisingly it’s also actually doing something for my OCD, I’m still experiencing intrusive thoughts but they’re much less immediately terrifying and much easier to dismiss and not obsess over— a far cry from the slight paranoia I’d previously experienced. Overall I wouldn’t say I like it better than edibles, which are definitely easier to consume, but I am having a good time.

Future notes: I’m gonna buy some filters so I don’t have to make my own, and I may experiment with pre-rolls in the future as I figure shit out. I found that a damp towel under the doorframe really helps the smell not spread, but I’m unsure of whether or not it’s sticking to my clothes. If anyone has any advice on how to roll a joint that is not dogshit feel free to let me know.

[never-ending-fanfic]

OCD for the WIP ask meme please!

Thank you so much for asking! ♥️

Again, this one is still not even started and also if this one seems OOC for Kallus, I'm sorry, this is just me projecting my experience onto this poor guy

In this one Kallus has OCD- also known as Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. He's had it since he was a kid, obviously, but he had to mask it heavily to get into the Imperial Academy, sometimes it went better, sometimes worse. By some miracle he comes across some normal (by imperial standards) doctor, who prescribes him some meds (the meds are kinda shady, still tested, but he agrees) and it geats easier to cope- he doesn't have as many intrusive thoughts and compulsions, it's all good, on some days he even thinks it went away completely. So what if there are side effects like insomnia, it's nothing a cup of caf can't fix.

Then he defects and after Atollon, he's cut ties with the Empire. And its meds.

It starts off small, at first. Just a few innocent intrusive thoughts once in a while, a compulsion without any meaning to it, that's alright. He's still fine, he sleeps better, doesn't need to remember the meds every morning.

But then one day he sits in the Ghost's cockpit with Hera and he thinks about pulling out his blaster and shooting her. It's so quick he almost misses when the thought starts. His mind is screaming at him, screaming that he can't do that, of course he can't, Hera is his friends, he doesn't want to do that! But he might! What if he does that? He needs to make sure it doesn't happen, it can't happen! Hera shouts a question his way when he bolts from the bridge and runs into his and Zeb's room, into the fresher and aggressively washes his hands. He can breathe again. Hera's safe.

Then he finds himself at the cantina with the kids. He's holding a knife, of course he is, he needs to cut parts of his lunch, after all. But that knife starts to tremble when he thinks of stabbing it through his own hand. He excuses himself, abandons his meal, runs to the Ghost to wash his hands. It's fine. He won't do that. He's alright.

Then it just gets worse. Everytime the Spectres leave on a mission, he needs to tap the ship's outer walls five times, otherwise they'll all die on a supply run. He needs to count to ten before he gets out of the bed every morning. He taps the tips of his fingers in a pattern only he knows whenever he hears Thrawn's name. He washes his hands almost every five minutes, his skin became dry, red and cracked from water.

The constant thoughts rushing through his head don't help. He's in a loop of thought, hand washing, relief, thought, hand washing, relief on and on, all the time.

He's started to slack off at work, Draven noticed. They all did. They ask if he's fine. He's so far from being fine and he wants to tell them, he really does. But how can he do that? They won't understand, he himself barely does. It doesn't make sense even to him, how will it make sense to them?

That's all I have for you, this was long damn, just please take into consideration that this OCD experience is heavily based on my own, everyone has it different cause different obsessions, different compulsions = different experience, everyone will go through it differently

OCD is also not only about being clean and organized and afraid of germs (though it can be, as I said, everyone has it different). It's under the neurodivergent umbrella, it's a real disorder. It seriously messes with the head and the perception of one's self, it makes it hard to do simple tasks, it makes you anxious all the time, it scares you (I remember having it as a kid and not knowing what was happening, it was so scary) so if anyone reading this ever wants to say things like "Oh I have to have my space sprakly clean, I'm so ocd" just... Don't.

P.S. Also worth to note: intrusive thoughts (harming someone, oneself, doing something illegal ect) are not what the person wants to do, it's actually something the person will never do but they're scared they might and a compulsion is a way to reduce the fear/stress that comes with it

P.P.S. I don't think there's real medication for it, that's just my addition for the sake of the plot. I know that it can be kinda muted with some meds, something maybe might make it milder (that's just the experience of my friend though)

Anyway, stay safe besties and take care of your minds! ❤️‍🩹

[somekindofsentience]

Tell me about yourself! :D

what do you wanna know that isn't already on the me post?? jsjsjhshjshj

i'm really not that interesting. my motivation for writing is purely "i can't draw, but must express my batshit insane levels of creativity".

i like biology and chemistry! i'm particularly interested in therapeutic gene editing, but i can speak on a lot of biology and chemistry topics because i have godlike high school notes. if i can't speak on something, i'll research it until i can. i am interested in psychology, but find the levels of uncertainty in the space unstable.

i'm currently doing a research project on S. aureus bacteria and its high salt tolerance, that's been fun. got to pour nutrient agar recently, waiting for bacteria shipment so i can swab it.

i'm australian, which is a jumpscare for some people. i say 'bah-sil'.

i have OCD, at least speculated OCD. i like to refer to my intrusive thoughts as twitch chat (stole that from a twitter meme) because it makes things even slightly more bearable, but otherwise it's a nightmare. i try my best to talk about my real experiences with OCD, because there's a lot of misinformation and public stigma about the condition. i experienced a lot of "non-stereotypical" symptoms (mental compulsions and avoidance behaviours, for example) as i was growing up, and it really felt like i was going insane a lot of the time, so if i can talk about my experiences and maybe help someone even a little, then maybe things will be a bit better. i dunno.

i was a natural at english (the subject) as a kid, which is probably why i can do analyses well. i used to be quite a bit better at being creative, because i could actually write down my little ocs and such, these days i daydream about them doing things to songs and make the very occasional picrew. (maybe i'll introduce them sometime)

i have an anatomically correct model of a heart? it's from my late grandmother.

i play a lot of switch games, so i've got zelda (botw and totk), splatoon 3, omori, pokemon violet, other stuff. i've played all the etherane games, as well. big gamer. i used to be an anime person, but i kinda ran out of steam to watch anime? i occasionally read manga - i'm trying to keep up with oshi no ko and liar satsuki can see death. i also like yoarashi ni warau. i get all my obscure lesbian psychological thriller from a close friend of mine who is very cool.

[hauntedselves]

hi! i looked in your directory and did not find an answer so I hope this is okay to ask. do u have info on what bpd fps are like? and what can be mistaken for being a fp when irs actually a different disorder/experience occurring? and what could those be? I have this experience and I’m wondering if anyone with bpd could relate but I don’t want to share unless u say that’s okay! i don’t want to come off as asking for a diagnosis .. to be more detailed how can u differentiate a fp from hyperfix, ocd obsession/compulsion, or anything else

i don't know if there's any academic stuff on FPs, but from an anecdotal / community perspective:

Favourite Person (FP)

"Someone on whom you are emotionally dependent and with whom you may be infatuated. You may idealize this person excessively, to the point of changing your opinions and other parts of yourself to gain their approval. Not only will you need their approval, but you’ll also require their time and attention in order to remain functional."

Usually talked about in a BPD context but as far as I know any person with any kind of disorder can have a FP (or similar). It's worth noting that these relationships a) can be any type (romantic, platonic, etc.) & b) are inherently unhealthy!

Hyperfixation

An "umbrella term to describe special interests, hyperfocuses, perseverations and other intense ‘obsessions’ in those with developmental, learning or mental disabilities."

So i guess FP could fall under the umbrella term of hyperfixation? I don't think the coiner was thinking about people/relationship-related obsessions when they coined it though

OCD obsessions

"Unwanted and repetitive thoughts, urges and images that quickly spiral from an initial disturbing thought and usually lead to a lot of distress".

OCD compulsions

"A tool someone with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) uses in an attempt to decrease uncomfortable emotions that accompany unwanted intrusive thoughts, doubts, images, or urges".

Neither of these symptoms are related to the kind of intense attachment felt for a FP.

So a FP might be a type of hyperfixation, but it's definitely not an OCD obsession or compulsion.

Other things that are similar:

AvPD & SzPD can both have a 'safe person' and DPD can have a 'depended person'. @shitborderlinesdo has a post differentiating a DPD depended with a BPD FP here.

[trans-axolotl]

for anon

Hi, Anon 💜I’m going to reply in this post so I can answer both your asks at once. Do want to give a quick note to any followers reading that this post will discuss OCD, intrusive thoughts, and compulsions, and any followers who feels like these topics might be activating, please follow your best judgement. 

First off, thank you for sharing and trusting me with your experience. I want to validate that what you’re going through truly does sound so exhausting, terrifying, and laborious to deal with day after day. It makes a lot of sense that you’ve gotten to what feels like a breaking point, and I want to hold space to acknowledge the depths of your pain and crisis right now. And I also want to recognize all the work you’re already doing to survive and get your basic needs met even through the agony you have been experiencing in the past 14 months. I know how hard it is when you’re dealing with this stuff literally 24/7, and how the cycles of intrusive thoughts and compulsions can make it feel impossible to even think about reaching out for support or letting someone know what’s going on. The things you’re already doing--writing to me about your experiences, finding a few possible options for help, being able to admit that you do love life--all of those are important + worth appreciating. 

Your vivid and poetic descriptions of your experience really resonated with me. I don't want to detract from your experiences, but I do want to share that for a few years of my life, my experience was very, very similar in terms of how I experienced my intrusive thoughts, obsessions, and compulsions, and I felt a similar level of distress. It really was around two years of complete hell for me and although it absolutely wasn’t easy or something that happened overnight, my OCD is now considered in remission and is no longer something that brings me that level of distress. I don’t want to invalidate your current experience at all, but rather just make room for this complexity that was true for me: that things became completely awful and felt like my life had been destroyed, and at the same time, there was the possibility that this level of distress would not last forever, and that I would be able to get to a point where I would feel able to engage with my life in a way that felt meaningful again. 

Right now, it might be worth thinking through what feels like the most important short term goal. Maybe one goal might be to try to stabilize the thoughts just enough so that you feel capable of reaching out to a friend or community member in your real life who would be able to help you navigate accessing support. Or maybe a goal is to lessen the distress associated with your thoughts by 5% so that you feel better capable of creating a crisis plan, making sure that your home is as safe as possible in the moments where everything starts to feel very urgent. Or maybe you might want to focus on stabilizing the thoughts enough to reach out to some of the options for help you’ve identified, whether that’s looking into therapy + psychiatry in your area, or whatever other healing options make sense to you.  Whatever feels like a priority right now to you.

I’m going to share a few strategies that have helped me and some other people I know with OCD. These might not work for you right away, or just not resonate with you at all, and that’s completely okay if some of these things don’t feel like they will be helpful for your situation right now. I will say for a lot of these strategies, they did not feel like they helped at all the first dozen times I tried them, and it was only through repetition and practice that they started to feel like they were making a little bit of a difference. 

For me, a really meaningful strategy was working towards radical acceptance. Radical acceptance can seem super counterintuitive, especially when we’ve been living in thought cycles for months, and when our brains seem to be telling us that the only thing that will help us feel better is the compulsions, and but then usually the compulsions just make us feel worse or our thoughts more intense. And especially when the content of our intrusive thoughts doesn't feel in line with our values, I know it can really heighten the distress we experience. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean that we have to like our thoughts, that we have to agree with our thoughts, or that we have to feel positive about our thoughts. Instead, it’s a skill that can help us get a certain level of distance from our thoughts and not feel as completely fused to them. One metaphor that a lot of people use to describe it is thinking about your mind like the sky. Thoughts come into the your mind in the same way that weather can come into the sky--whether it’s thunderstorms, tornados, rain, or a sunny day, the sky is always there, the same way your mind is always there regardless of the thoughts passing through it. The metaphor I use for myself is to think about my mind like a door. To me, my obsessive cycles of intrusive thoughts and mental compulsions made me feel like I was continually opening and shutting a door. Instead of fusing with my thoughts, trying to continually reassure myself, say the right words or do the right compulsions, obsess over morals, trying to just metaphorically force the door to stay open or stay shut, it helped to think about my mind as the door frame that the door, my thoughts, were moving in. This really helped me just get a tiny bit of separation from the obsessive cycles and actually ended up starting to lessen the intensity of the obsessions and compulsions, a tiny bit at a time. 

The practical things that helped me do that were a skill called observe and describe from Dialetical Behavioral Therapy, and a skill called thought defusion from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. I’m also going to link some worksheets for some distress tolerance coping skills that work by changing your physical experience in the moment to try to ground you and pause your brain for a moment, as well as a crisis plan template. Here’s a google drive folder with copies of those therapy worksheets. 

Observe and describe essentially is jut taking a step back from your internal experience, and paying attention to what’s going on in your head using a neutral framework. When I’m using this skill, I’ll say things to myself like “I’m noticing I’m having a thought about (example distressing topic). I’m noticing that this thought is making me feel really anxious. I’m aware that right now I’m getting more anxious the longer I go without doing my compulsion. I’m noticing that this thought feels like it's getting louder.” This can seem super basic, but really helped me turn down my distress like 5%. The describe part of observe and describe is about describing the way you’re interacting with your reality at the moment, again with neutral statements. If you’re doing something like washing the dishes or preparing food, for example, you could say things like “I’m observing that the water is cold. I’m noticing that this food tastes spicy. I can feel that my leg is bouncing against the ground.” This started to help me feel more in touch with my body and reality, and made me feel a little bit more able to engage with the daily tasks I needed to do. And you can adapt in whatever way makes sense to you--I have some friends who write out their observations, some other people who doodle them, or otherwise conceptualize it with images.

The other skill I’m recommending is thought defusion. This is from Acceptance and Commitment therapy, and the worksheets I linked above have a bunch of different mental techniques for visualizing how to do this. Essentially, it’s a bunch of skills that use metaphorical thinking, silly or novel behavior, or visualization techniques to try to add some separation between you and your thoughts. It’s not focused on changing the thoughts or getting rid of them, but changing your relationship with your thoughts.  

For all these skills, I would recommend practicing them for a short period of time at first + using self soothing techniques or preferred distractions afterwards if possible. For example, I set a goal just to practice for 1-5 minutes, and then seeing how I felt afterwards, maybe journaling about it, and continually just practicing it for short periods of time everyday. I would just tell myself that this was something I could do every day--I didn’t have to do it or make it an obligation, but it was something I could try out and be curious about. I know that all of this can seem really trivalizing when the thoughts are this intense, and I know I felt really patronized and frustrated when people told me to try out these techniques. But for me, with enough time, these techniques helped stabilize me enough to do even more in depth work and got me to a point where intrusive thoughts are now an occasional moment rather than my continual experience.

I don’t have all the answers and I wish there was some coping skill or strategy I could share that could instantly make your distress more bearable. I’m here to listen and my inbox will always be open to you, even if you just want to come to give an update, vent, or express how things still feel terrible. I’m sorry that things have gotten so incredibly hard and that you’ve had to deal with this mostly by yourself for so long, and at the same time I’m holding hope here for you that there is a way out of this and that there is the possibility for transformation, even if the way forward doesn’t look the exact same way your life looked before your mind starting moving in this way. 

Sending all the solidarity + best wishes your way, anon 💜💜💜

[facebones]

"i already consider magnus and skwis as characters with ocd" please elaborate

a user made a great tumble about ocd skwisgaar! im in agreement with it, and it can be found here :-) !

headcanoning a diagnosis on magnus is a bit difficult, as parts of his character are flawed from the rushed pace of season 4 and theres a purposeful dramatization of his character being a villain. though personal analysis has led me to believe he could at least have ocd. the judgement is somewhat based on interpretations, but i will have an explanation for ocd mag under the keep reading!

i found myself entertaining the thought of ocd magnus when i came across a study between frued and a patient noted as ratman. ratman was dealing with intrusive thoughts, though his patterns of experiences reminded me of magnus. simplified but, they both started in a situation where they attacked an individual and instantly followed a physical repercussion -> roughly 20 years later they are acting out and projecting feelings from this event -> also this projection is on seemingly uninvolved people? (for ratman, it'd been freud and his girlfriend, though for magnus it'd been toki and abigail.) between ratman and magnus, the projection itself and timing of events (when what happened at which age) does differ, but understanding ratmans processes, and seeing the parallels they have to magnus has led to a conclusion of magnus potentially having ocd. "obsessions" play into the perfectionism and controlling attitudes that got him kicked out of the band, and also the mental drive and replay for revenge that heavily dictated his goals for 20 years. in fact, you could suggest that he was trying to improve himself over the 20 years he was seemingly uninvolved with vengeance, but the still-growing popularity of dethklok would eventually be too overwhelming and triggering towards his already existing obsessions. he would see a single dethklok poster, and itd trigger an intrusive replay of him getting kicked out- and eventually, harsh thinking like this would cause him to shatter like glass. "compulsions" are something we can relate more directly towards known actions. we see a compulsive style of stab -> stitch -> rinse -> repeat with how he treats toki and abi in the doomstar. i think it'd make sense for a character of his personality to hold repetitive indulgences or compulsions. he is also very quick to project his beliefs onto others, hence his keeping of toki and abi. for mma, theyd been mindless bait, but magnus would develop a complex "relationship" with the prisoners. he can only insist that they are also victims, and heavily uses their presence as an external outlet for internal conflicts. i think its safe to add that, with having evident ocd while in the band, we can assume he already feared some sort of social isolation from the others. hes already a bit older, doesnt quite feel like he is always being heard, and overall seems to "disconnect"- he would already feel cast out, leading to a self-sabotage of social relationships that he mistakes to be more negative than they actually are. he would unknowingly punish himself to a "mental obscurity" before dethklok could do anything of it. i also find that his character reflects aspects of paranoia, though i havent looked into it as much. hopefully this was understandable and decently formatted though lol. also thank you for the ask! i love analyzing stupid men in metalocalypse LOL.

[iwannawritelots]

Hb: Mental Prison

Originally written June 2023

Part 1 Part 2

Human AU Masterlist

Characters Active: Asmodeus (15), Solomon (15), Lucifer (23)

Ship(s): Solomon/Asmodeus (not yet active)

Queerplatonic relationships: Solomon & Asmodeus

Trigger/content warnings: OCD depictions (left up to interpretation of what kind of harm the intrusive thought is is), forcing oneself to throw up (not eating disorder related, it is a compulsion)

Headcanons/notes from the author: As with other chapters that have to do with OCD (or any other mental issues for that matter), I can only depict so much with my knowledge and experiences. Keep in mind no one has the same experience with any mental ailment, even if they have the same diagnosis/symptoms.

Brief Blurb: Asmodeus has an OCD-induced panic attack.

Taglist: @graveswrites

The two friends had been cuddled up on the couch for about an hour, watching whichever Star Wars movie it was… Asmodeus wasn’t quite sure. Glancing at Solomon, she bit her lip to keep teeth from showing through her smile. It was weird being able to be close with a friend like this and not have anything else expected. She felt safe, which was new.

Hand tracing circles on Solomon’s shoulder, Asmodeus felt a cut inside her internal monologue. As if someone had throttled her from inside, forced a string of thoughts to choke her. Panic flowed through her veins, making her feel cold and hot all at once.

She… didn’t want to do that, did she? What were her hands doing? She halted her movements, suddenly hyper aware of her body, and where it was touching. Had she… done something to him? Was he safe with her? Was this something she wanted to do? Of course not, she cares about Solomon. She would never do that. She wouldn’t do that to anyone!

“Azzy?” Solomon had stirred into consciousness. He yawned and rubbed his eyes, then cuddled closer, completely oblivious to his friend’s fear. Asmodeus couldn’t stay there anymore. Clearly she was evil, and dangerous, and she couldn’t stop checking if the idea of doing such horrible things to Solomon was enticing. She hurriedly, carefully pushed him off of herself and stood from the couch. They met eyes, and Solomon was slapped out of his sleepiness. “Azzy, what’s wrong?”

“I-I… I gotta go. Lucifer wants me home.” A lie, but it avoided having to tell him how horrible she was. “I’m sorry. We’ll hang out tomorrow, maybe?”

Solomon furrowed his eyebrows and glanced at the clock on the wall. It wasn’t that late, but if Lucifer really wanted her home already… he couldn’t exactly argue. “Of course. I’ll walk you home.”

“No!” Asmodeus picked up her phone from the arm of the couch, then located her jacket on the floor. “I-I got it. It’s fine. I’ll text you when I’m home.”

This didn’t feel right at all. “Are you sure…?”

“Y-Yes,” she assured him, not at all sure. “I just gotta be fast. We walk slow when we’re together.”

“True…”

Asmodeus picked up the stuffed Yoda on the floor and handed it to Solomon before bolting to the foyer, picking up her shoes, then haphazardly throwing herself out the door. Why wouldn’t these images stop? She felt so revolting…

Once she was far enough away, Asmodeus cut into a forested area and found a spot unoccupied by bushes or animals. The horrific thoughts and pictures in her head just wouldn’t cease. After throwing her shoes into the grass, she got onto her knees, then stuck her fingers into her mouth and the back of her throat. After gagging a few times, she threw up onto the grass in front of her. This would make it stop. She kept retching into the flowers and weeds until her mind shut up.

Exhausted, Asmodeus collapsed onto the untainted ground. Her mouth tasted disgusting, but her head wasn’t torturing her anymore. It was quiet. Only nature surrounded her. Birds chirping, leaves rustling… the sounds of the forest were calming. Relief washed over her.

;

A frightened scream scared Asmodeus into consciousness. “Asmodeus! Asmodeus! Are you alright!?” They bolted onto their hands and knees immediately, prepared to run. Realizing it was Lucifer, they relaxed and allowed him to hold their face. He checked for injuries, signs of being attacked, anything… “Asmodeus, why didn’t you come home? Solomon texted me asking if you got home, and you weren’t answering my calls!”

“Luci…” Then she remembered it all. She was imprisoned again. It was a viscous cycle. “I… I’m sorry.”

“Why were you over here?” Lucifer attempted to soften his voice, but to no avail. He was so frightened, for hours, and he only found Asmodeus because Levi knew how to track her phone. He wanted to express his frustration and anger with her for worrying him sick, but… that wouldn’t do a whole lot in this moment. “This isn’t even that far from Solomon’s house. What happened? He said he doesn’t know. Did he hurt you? Is he lying?”

“No! I’m just… I’m…” Tears rolled down Asmodeus’ cheeks. “I’m deceiving you. I’m evil. I’m horrible. I can’t be perfect no matter what I do. I’m just a… I’m…” Soft sobs escaped her and she hurriedly buried herself into Lucifer’s chest. “I want my head to stop, Luci. I want it to fucking sh-shut up.”

Lucifer was dumbstruck. What was she even on about? What was he supposed to say to any of this? Carefully, he sat cross legged in the grass and pulled Asmodeus into his lap. She bawled and her breathing hitched or wavered, but he couldn’t think of anything to say. He pet her hair and blinked back building tears. “No one expects you to be perfect, Asmodeus.”

She said nothing, and Lucifer didn’t try to think of anything else to say. They stayed there in the forest, under the protection of trees from the prying sunlight. There was not a single word spoken as he coaxed her into ease with gentle sways and shaky hums. What else was he to do?

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tws: csa, cocsa, suicidal ideation, self-blame, intrusive self harm thoughts hi mods, please call me xueyi i'm returning for some advice i was SA'd by my brother growing up & recently i think some behaviors might be due to those experiences but i'm not sure, and i just wanted to know a second opinion on it, not necessarily a professional one i think one of the hardest parts is trying to acknowledge the SA could very well have been trauma since i'm not professionally diagnosed and can't afford therapy. i constantly think that i "enjoyed" it and let him do it to me so it can't count as trauma & i only try to think of it as such because i somehow want to think i'm a victim? another thing has increased a little over the months or maybe even a year or more, i've noticed that sometimes if things don't go right my first thought can sometimes be "i should just off myself" even when it's something very minor. for the record, i don't intend to do anything risky with my life at all under no circumstances, i don't have the guts for that. but it's intriguing to me because this was not the case with me over a year or two ago. i know that's a long time, but it's seeming to be more recurring lately. for example, say i get a bad grade, do something embarrassing, i'm sure it isn't normal for my first thought to be damn i should just die. i also might see a scissor in the kitchen & randomly think what if i sliced my wrist with it, or if i hurt myself with a razor, so on. i won't act on it, but i don't keep the tools away from me either. the tools don't disturb me, the thoughts do to be accurate. can it have any link to me being SA'd? that's all i wanted to ask. have a good day

Hi xuey,

I'm so sorry about what you went through.

The thing about trauma is that we all have different psychological reactions to certain events, which is why trauma cannot be objectively quantified by the incident, but rather by how traumatized you became. So while something like SA may not result in trauma, it most certainly can, and does for many people (myself included).

If you're unsure whether or not you feel traumatized by this, I find it helpful, as someone with PTSD, to take note of how much space this takes up in your mind, body, and day-to-day life. If it bothers you to think about, if you think about it often, if you find yourself thinking about it even when you don't want to, if it evokes strong emotional responses or induces a feeling of numbness and dissociation, these are all signs that you may be dealing with trauma.

It sounds like you may be dealing with some internalized victim-blaming, wherein you tell yourself that you liked it or deserved it in some way. As someone who has dealt with (and on some level continues to deal with) this, I find it insightful to imagine your situation vicariously. Imagine that someone you love came to you and explained that they went through everything that happened to you. Would you tell them that they must've liked it, or that they let it happen so they don't have the right to feel traumatized by it? If your answer is no, now consider that this hypothetical person is you. You deserve to be treated with as much kindness as you would treat another survivor.

It's also possible that you may be dealing with some intrusive thoughts about self-harming. Some people who experience Harm OCD may resonate with this, although it doesn't necessarily mean that you are dealing with OCD. Either way, it's possible that your trauma may be related, and it's essential to take these thoughts seriously, even if you don't have immediate plans to act on them. They could be signs that you may need additional support.

It can be really hard to consider that you have trauma, and it's definitely not easy to take that first step in exploring the possibilities and opening yourself up to the chance that this is trauma for you. It can be intimidating simply to acknowledge trauma, just as it is understandably intimidating to move past the first stage of grief. There are all sorts of implications and consequences to living with trauma, and it's valid to feel scared by that. But at the same time, for your own mental health and wellbeing, it's important to begin the process of healing.

Ultimately, healing is done best with the guidance of a mental health professional such as a therapist. Just as you would go to the doctor and get a cast to heal properly, therapy can help make sure everything is in place to ensure that you recover comfortably. But it's worth mentioning that unlike the doctor, a therapist is a tool for you to help yourself.

Please know that healing takes time, and you deserve support and care as you navigate your healing journey. If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[kodolite]

An obnoxiously long essay on why I headcanon that Bakugo Katsuki struggles with undiagnosed OCD. Trigger warnings for mental health discussion, intrusive thoughts, self degradation, depression, anxiety and more. As a hefty disclaimer before I go into too much detail, I do not claim to understand what everyone with OCD experiences; I am only speaking from personal experience as someone who was diagnosed with OCD late in life and how I've come to relate to Katsuki through common struggles seen in the show. I don't think Horikoshi intended to write him with OCD at all which is why I am firmly calling it a headcanon and nothing more. So without further ado, enjoy my ramblings and please share your thoughts !!

OCD ( Obsessive-compulsive disorder ) is, by definition, a common, chronic, and long-lasting disorder in which a person has uncontrollable, reoccurring thoughts ("obsessions") and/or behaviors ("compulsions") that an individual feels the urge to repeat over and over. In popular media this might look to most people like the obsessive need to clean, have things organized, or repeat motions a certain number of times. Realistically, however, OCD is much broader than what is commonly seen and Psychologists are still learning about this intrinsically complicate disorder. It has over fifty ' symptoms ' to be considered when diagnosing, and many of them not at all like what anyone would expect. This is why I feel like Bakugo Katsuki would go undiagnosed, because he displays the more non-traditional signs of OCD albeit obvious ones. Here are some examples: MENTAL CONTAMINATION Mental Contamination is evoked when a person feels badly treated by their terms, whether this be an outward or perceived insult, it creates a feeling of internal uncleanliness that turns into an impulsive need to prove said person wrong and / or make them take back what they had said to trigger them in the first place. Mental Contamination does not require any physical touch, and it can spiral into a plethora of reactions based on an individual; shutting down, crying, getting angry and retaliating. Though it sounds like something everyone will go through in their life time, for an individual with OCD it becomes an obsession. Something they can't stop stressing over, thinking about, losing sleep or productivity over it and allowing a simple comment or disrespectful individual completely tear their life apart for months at a time. We see this in Katsuki a lot in his earlier years, specifically anytime Izuku seemingly ' disrespects ' or ' patronizes ' him ( as perceived by Katsuki. )

You can also note that Katsuki holds onto his losses, which to him others beating him is also a perceived point of disrespect ( especially from those he considers lower than him like Izuku ) and agonizes over them to the point of sheer rage. It's a form of anxiety to work oneself up to a point of emotional turmoil over losing. Of course people will argue his pride and ego are what lead him to be so angry when he doesn't come out on top, but OCD and someone's ego are not mutually exclusive. There's something to be said about Katsuki's dissonance as outwardly he appears over confident but inwardly he's well aware of his own misgivings; albeit mostly physical rather than his emotional or personal one's in the beginning of the manga. He shuts down, he fawns, until he is once again perceiving someone as ( in this case Izuku ) as being patronizing towards him and then he immediately responds with rage because it's become a crutch for him.

PHYSICAL CONTAMINATION Far less imposing than mental contamination in Katsuki's case, but still a key point of his personality ( otherwise I doubt it'd be mentioned in the manga at all. ) He is super cleanly, and grows both angry and uncomfortable when things are messy! This is shown often during the dorming period for UA students, and it's clear that even if it can be called out as a moot point as many people are cleanly they're never so obsessed with having a clean space that they force everyone in the vicinity to begin tidying; while also taking full control of how things are done, so that he knows they're done right.

Again this can be considered a moot point, and I'd understand if this was disregarded by many! However, couple it with the remainder of symptoms I'm going to list and it's just another piece to a puzzle of the struggles Katsuki faces. Realistically, a 15 year old boy shouldn't be concerned with the cleanliness of a dorm room and yet here we are. Could it be considered an attempt to humanize his character a bit? Yes, and I'm all here for it. Still proves my point a bit. OCD RAGE ATTACKS

Research has shown that about half of OCD patients receive what is called Rage Attacks or Anger Attacks. They're specified as being triggered by their frustrations over their inability to control their obsessions and compulsions, or through interruptions in their compulsive rituals. This might not remind you of Katsuki initially, but consider these facts carefully; Katsuki is a control freak. Often if things do not go his way he loses his damn mind, and again that can be chalked up to his ego, pride, whatever but when it comes down to it his rage is so out of place and intense that everyone mentions it on a regular basis . . . which only triggers him into an ever deeper rage because he realizes he cannot control said outbursts. Katsuki has an compulsive obsession with becoming the number one hero, it's all he ever talks about to the point of pushing away friends, family, and even his own mentors later in the manga. Whenever this obsession becomes seemingly threatened or unattainable, he is overcome with rage as a response. Often this is due to Izuku constantly challenging him, but later we can also see it with anyone who might be better than him and threatens that compulsion, that need to be the best. Also consider how angry he becomes if he feels he didn't fairly win something, for example his one on one with Todoroki that left Katsuki pissed to the point of needing to be restrained.

In a fight when he cannot control an outcome, he cannot be expected to win or win the way he wants and therefore this throws a wrench in his compulsion to be the best and thus triggers a rage attack. Regularly, when people say rude things or disrespect him or mock him it's not something he can stop or control ( the way they think of him, the violence he is compelled to commit etc.. ) and therefore it triggers a rage attack. It's all about control for him, just like it's all about control for those with OCD who struggle with compulsions and their inability to control those around them or themselves from doing something they may regret. INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS ( VIOLENT STREAM ) Intrusive thoughts are characterized as having repetitive thoughts. Everyone experiences them, though people with OCD are known to experience disturbing and graphic intrusive thoughts that set them apart from the general public. Often they are violent compulsions, even if they have no intentions of following through. It's clear Katsuki has a violent streak, but it's also clear he can hold himself back when he needs to . . . unless he's triggered into acting out his intrusive and violent thoughts. He's often made fun of by readers / viewers for constantly using the catchphrase die during battle with friends; it's obvious he's thinking of killing or maiming in his mind but outwardly he has enough control to not act out on those thoughts. We also can't forgot the infamous line of his: telling Izuku to take a swan dive off the roof is very clearly a point in Katsuki's life where he was at his lowest mentally based solely on his obvious insecurities. His intrusive thoughts commonly turn to violence, because it compliments his rage and is easier than sorting through all the other emotions. It makes sense something so cruel would crop up in his mind, and his decision to say it despite knowing it isn't socially acceptable is the exact reason I theorize his OCD controls him far more than he controls it in his younger years. He's compelled to say nasty out of pocket shit and he just does. But, as expected, when he is a bit older controlling his words is easier and he's far less inclined to say something totally out of line. Because now he knows it's unacceptable and with age comes a self recognition that helps people with OCD understands their thoughts are not who they really are. Which I could go on a spiel about why that is important to Katsuki's character, as he's always being likened to a villain despite his hard as steel moral compass but that's besides the point.

AVOIDANCE

My closing point is probably my strongest, because If I said Bakugo is really damn good at running away from his emotions everyone would hard agree with me. Avoidance is one of the key symptoms of OCD aside from Intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviour; it's when an individual specifically avoids their triggers and when they're faced with it, they either fawn or like Katsuki they rage. Perhaps Katsuki chalks it up to just hating Izuku, but realistically the guy is a trigger for him ( from no fault of his own of course ) due to his own insecurities and inability to reconcile with the fact that Izuku is not trying to destroy him / disrespect him. As a result, he's keen to avoid him as much as possible. So of course he's going to be pissed when he realizes someone he thought was quirkless shows up at the school he's dreamed of going to since he was young, though it isn't exactly reasonable nothing about experiencing trigger avoidance or rage attacks is. This doesn't excuse Katsuki's bullshit, it never will and thankfully canonically he realizes that but his need to isolate himself from others to avoid being triggered is so obvious to me in the way he refuses to make close and meaningful connections. Because despite the fandom outlook, if we're being fair, Katsuki really isn't close to anyone in class 1-A. Not until much later in the manga, as he grows and matures. It's a constant cycle: Izuku chases, and Katsuki avoids.

Another side point that isn't exactly a symptom of OCD but is something I, as someone who does struggle with OCD, can relate to is that Katsuki mentions in the manga that he always felt miles behind Izuku. Clearly he didn't mean in power because he was originally quirkless, but he means emotionally. Katsuki was always the bully, he always saw his own faults and masqueraded them with a false sense of confidence. There's a self hatred that comes with being the only one to know your own shitty thoughts and behaviors, while also not understanding them or being able to control them. Couple that with a hefty sense of pride after spending your entire childhood being told you were born to be something special like Katsuki was . . . and you end up with someone who is dangerously unbalanced. When you struggle with OCD, you always feel one step behind your peers who don't. It's a truth that's hard to come to terms with, and it hurt me to hear Katsuki say those words to Izuku and not really know the weight behind what he's admitting. It's a step in the right direction, but it's also a confession of years of turmoil and pain mistaken for brashness and over confidence. It will never excuse what he's done and who he's hurt, but I understand him. Thank you for reading!

[magratpudifoot]

Finished 31 March 2024:

Sure, I'll Join Your Cult - Maria Bamford

My favorite thing about this book is knowing now that I am not the only one who thinks suicide hotline disclaimers are, while well-meaning, ultimately aggravating, vaguely condescending, and less likely to help me, personally, than if they didn't exist. And I 100% am not saying--or think Bamford is saying--that they shouldn't be there or that they don't help anyone, or even that there would be no circumstance in which they would help me, just that People with Mental Illness is not a monolithic group, and some of us get more healing from hearing someone else's unsanitized experiences than from a bowlderized account with a phone number at the end. I've got some fucked up shit in my head, and reading Bamford's extremely frank discussion of her intrusive OCD was so much better for me than just reading for the 100th time that experts say that intrusive thoughts don't make you a bad person.

(My own disclaimer: My experience with intrusive thoughts has been pretty minor, and while OCD is definitely in the mix for me SELF-DX SELF-DX SELF-DX, my dials are cranked up highest on depression and anxiety. And I'm doing *pretty good*, overall, right now, though I was having a really superbly bad night last night when I started reading this, and can confirm that a memoir was better therapy for me in that moment than reading self-help or scholarship on the subject would have been. My empathy dial is broken off in the fully-on position.

Also, I am not in any danger and have never attempted, which is similar to Bamford's experience, apparently, so our opinions on mandatory hotline disclaimers are...not representative of the opinions of people who most need the hotlines to begin with. This is literally just a statement of personal feelings FOR MYSELF.)

Also worth noting is that, despite my usual reading habits, this is not actually at any point a cult-survivor memoir (although Bamford makes a half-hearted argument that 12-step programs are culty without going into a cult awareness critique and continuing to participate in a seemingly healthy way in several of them).

Strongly recommend this for people who are already fans of Bamford's, and probably not for anyone else who doesn't have a *very similar* outlook on their personal mental health experience. She is not for everyone, but she is 100% for me.